Thursday Afternoon Monday Morning Podcast 12-12-24

Hey, what's going on? It's Bill Burr, and it's time for the Thursday afternoon, just before Friday, Monday morning podcast, and I'm just checking in on you. All right, obviously this is videotape, which means I have a special guest, which, you know, that's what it is.
You know when there's videotaotape i would never make you guys look at my face for no fucking reason all right and my guest today has a new special out called human magic the one and only alana glazier how are you hi bill thanks for having me i we met for the first time the other night at the hilarious. Premiere celebration.
And I told you that I have been a fan for so long, I would watch you on premium blend. That's amazing.
As a child in the 90s, when Comedy Central was the first channel, I would turn on the TV. Yes? I'm 37.
How old are you, Andrew? Okay. 41.
Okay. You turn on the TV.
Square TV. Channel 50.
And Bilber's there saying jokes i shouldn't be watching and just so awesome it's so cool you know what's funny i immediately assumed you would hate me say more no i just feel because i had some like i had i had my my personally professionally creatively just watching my special i just or specials i would

think that you would be like this guy's just always trashing women you know i kind of went through this whole period i forget them well i was just trashing women because i wanted to be married so yeah in my irish german irish brain i'm like i'm gonna shit on what i want and then somehow i'm gonna get there i mean that makes sense given society not like um no you can put it on me you You don't have to blame society.

I actually have to say like what is even more useful than coming out the gate a feminist is being a model for change I'm not even trying to be positive I'm like being for real I'm like Howard Stern too he was so fucking gross and when I was a kid and seeing I just, as a kid, like you have no idea being a child in the 90s, seeing women who were, you know, horribly thin with big fake titties and being like, I guess that's what a woman is and I'll never be it. And you men were so stupid.
You fucking idiots. We're like, they like that.
They don't like me. It's like, yeah.
That wasn't the greatest television. But I have to say, but sticking it out and, you know, now I'm just talking about Howard Stern, but sticking it out in his analytic process, which you should consider.
I'm working on it. I'm trying to get better.
It is incredible. And also, like, yeah, it just is very powerful, the model for change.
So I appreciate it. And even then, I don't know, perhaps I saw a weakness in you that I sympathized with, even as a child, and knew that you would come on the other side.
There's major weaknesses in this package. But you're so funny, and I really appreciate you.
Yes. I'm thrilled.
I'm in a dented can. Anyway, so you have this new special coming out it's on hulu the hulu platform we do hulu people yes bill burr do you love it i love being a hilarious comedian i love being somewhere where they're they're really into me me too and i mean i was kind of uh you know places i've been other places not going to say the other places but i was sort of like monopoly so there's i was yeah you know it's not a monopoly it's consolidation and it's very exciting for all kinds of opportunity in the future with bundling the bundles if you just let us consolidate the the employment that we're going to create they yeah they've been falling for that since the 80s yeah man if you deregulate all of us corporations you know the jobs that we're going to create and the politicians believe them and they didn't.
And next thing you know, a CEO gets whacked. That's what happens.
That is what has happened now. You know what the amazing thing about that is? Is red and blue are on the same side and we're agreeing.
So now I'm going to be fascinated how CNN and Fox News will brand it and pull us back apart again so they can feel comfortable. They will continue to go further right.
And hopefully, my hope is that the people will rise up against income inequality. That is what we're up against.
It's racial, it's gender, but it is income inequality that is growing since the 70s you ever watch fucking mr rogers with i mean when you i just love you said fucking mr rogers yes i fucking mr rogers you watch mr rogers with your leather jacket you're in a badass mood i watch bitch i'm here to crack nuts dogr, dog. But anyway, like Mr.
I watched fucking Mr. Rogers.
What are you going to say about it? Mr. Rogers, it's like you actually have an example of a working class, a healthy working class, and different races, different genders, different classes actually can work together.
People are happy and dignified to work in a factory. Then corporate greed entered the system even further than even more extreme than it's ever been and income inequality has been growing and growing and growing and we're at this point where it's a joke it's a fucking joke and we have been pitted against each other but most people want access to make most people want basic human rights I don't get why they can't just like it's like alright you can have your infinity pool your whores and all of that shit why can't you just let break off a little bit more i completely agree most people all you want can i just i want a house i can afford to have it i can i can support a family and on the weekends we can we can hang out with my family and i can feed them and clothe them and feel safe like why basic human rights that's just what there should be a standard for basic human rights that is what elected officials are that's the intention i believe is for civil servants and public uh civil servants to provide a basic standard of human rights and protect it but what's happening now with a billionaire class coming in and owning a consolidation of companies a consolidation they're buying up houses you can't yeah i know but what yeah there's one yeah and not what how about this last lesson nobody fucking talks about that and what about how democrats and republicans both agreed you can't try them for insider trading they're fucking criminals it's totally corrupt it's like wide it's the kind of shit when i was growing up they tried to say happened in like third world countries dictatorships and, and these guys are like, and now you can, the Supreme Court, I've been talking about this on my podcast, people are probably sick of it, but they- I'm loving it, baby.
Give it to me. They were saying that now it's not a bribe.
You can give a politician a gratuity after. Eat my fucking asshole.
Eat my ass out. It's not a bribe because you, you know, it's like I forget like you're an older man and like this must sound different to you than it does to like my like queer girlies.
But it's just like eat my fucking ass, dude. That's a bribe, bitch.
That's a bribe. Why would you think that that's like you think like I grew up in some prudish time? No, but I'm like a younger woman and you're like, there's ae hee hee hee.
There's a little hee hee hee going on. No, I'm laughing at like when you were like talking about the Howard Stern thing.
Like all of those things. Yeah, I was just dying laughing because dude, that was on basic cable.
It was fucking wild. Like, oh my God, you're so hot.
Will you take your top off? So gross. And then also on MTV.
It was right on after like Billy Bush or that guy, John Tesh would be like, John Tesh. You know new, the new, uh, Indiana Jones, Tomb Raider.
And then they immediately smashed us. Oh my God.
Oh God. I want to fuck you so bad.
I'm married. Also with John Tesh, we were supposed to be happy for him that he could play the piano.
You remember that? We're supposed to congratulate John Tesh. You're a host of Entertainment Tonight, but also, wow, this guy can really tinkle the keys.
I know, but he was crushing it. There's something about Germany.
The White Brothers thing? What I've found in this being an artist is no matter how bad your career sucks, there's always one country. There's enough countries.
There'll be one country that fucking loves you. Oof, I gotta find out what that country is.
Yeah, France loved Jerry Lewis. Not saying they didn't love him here.
You don't like Jerry Lewis? He once said women aren't funny. I'm like, fuck you, shut up, go to bed.
I mean. What? LOL, they're not funny.
No, I'm kidding. LOL, they're not that funny, boo-boo.
Wait, can I just finish the political thing really quick? I just like being a meathead sometimes. That's all.
Okay, but like posing as. What are you, playing football? No, I'm a recovered meathead.
I'm loving it. Can I just talk about it really quick? I'm not doing it for you.
I'm loving it. Keep doing that and get back to me in 10 days.
We'll see where you're at when we go with your review. Wait, can I just say the thing just because I think it is so fucking cool and important that what you're talking about is progressive politics.
I don't know if you know that and claim it, but you're talking about progressive politics and I want to say... Why does it always have to have a name? Take it out if you want.
No labels. Okay, let's get rid of that.
Keep it fluid. I'm saying makes sense yeah but with my summer school brain but wait they should have me fucking run for president honestly fuck i get some fucking shit done honestly even if you are an artist and really successful like you are a working person and like what you're talking about is um what i'm hearing with glee is messaging that reaches like working people and working families.
And I think personally that the answer is in small dollar backed elected officials, especially if they come from activism. He doesn't care.
I've lost him. I've lost him.
No, I'm just like, this is like some, I'm an earnest bitch. Like I'm really earnest.
And I really earnest while I think the system is crooked and obviously founded upon two genocides I think that it's a pretty good system that could be worthwhile if we stuffed it with the right people so I just want to say that while I had the incredible platform of Wilfred Burr. If I was still drinking and we were hanging out in a bar,

the conspiracy spiral that we would fucking go down

and we would probably, you know something?

One time I was on a radio show and there was an ex-CIA guy there

and I was spouting all my fucking opinions and everything.

He's like, well, you know, he's doing that.

And then like when he went to leave when the mics were off going like you know you're not wrong about a lot of that yeah i had that happen to me in a bank one time i went in i was what the fuck bank was it there's only a few left it wasn't wells fargo it was the other blue one what's the blue one not city bank chase i was in a chase and And this guy and this guy was... I was just talking to him.
I go, dude, there's like... Yet again, they were shutting...
They were looking at shutting the government down for a week or just printing more money. Right, right.
And I was talking to the guy. Printing more money.
Oh, my God. And I was giving him all my fucking, you know, Federal Reserve bullshit or whatever.
And he had a worried look on his face going, yeah, I mean, it's crazy, but you just got to.

I was like, no, dude, you were supposed to reassure me and say, dude, you're out of your fucking mind.

Everything's fine.

He didn't.

In his little cubicle in the center of this bank, one of the more chilling moments.

I needed a leather jacket for that moment.

It does help.

I used to say, like, black people's conspiracy theories are true. White people's conspiracy theories are white supremacy because white people are like, you know, crop circles.
They're like, they could never have made the crop circles. Aliens came down to do it.
And it's like, what? Didn't societies before you do it? Not all black people's conspiracies are true. Like their idea that you can curse in front of your mother and she's not going to beat the shit out of you because you're white.
And also their idea that their fucking cookout food, the amount of dry ass chicken I've had. Interesting.
After them talking all of this shit, you under season your food and everything. It's like you guys over season your food.
So there has to be a happy medium between what we're doing and diabetes. I see.
It's like i'll eat that but i don't want to lose a fucking toe i saw this there's a black woman on on instagram was going i'm going to show you how to make french toast but you don't even need syrup and she took like white sugar and brown sugar like a cup of each and dumped it in the bowl to start i'm like well fucking yeah there you go right right right she's making cotton candy but now i think that i think that people have like connected enough on social media that it's like an anti-capitalist conversation and it's not really like black and white anymore people are like all talking and seeing the same shit per the okay well let me let me ask you this how do you think they're gonna because they're gonna divide us again because they're gonna try make i thought that they were going to be so fucking bad for most people we will not be divided it is going to be so fucking bad you're optimist i like that yeah that's my optimistic take it is going to be so rank and so um our basic human rights are going to be stripped away so quickly we're going to be like i i actually have all the hope in the world for the people to rise up and elect someone who's even further left than we've ever seen before, but only if we have elections beyond this. Further left? Yeah, more genuinely progressive.
It's like in the same way that like protests for, you know, anti-war protests are like are messaged or narrated to be crazy, violent radicals. And it's just like, really? Because they don't want war? Like in the same way, progressive values like thinking everyone should have basic human rights is messaged as this radical thing.
But because of social media, even despite the divisive algorithm, I find, as an optimistic person,

people are connecting.

Do you think you're living

in your world on the internet?

For sure.

So they're agreeing with you?

For sure.

Because you have,

I don't know,

there's also everything

from fucking,

I don't even know who these,

I don't even know what they are.

I just keep hearing QAnon.

Oh, he's one of those QAnon guys.

I have no idea what they are.

My town that I grew up in

turned QAnon.

I don't know what that is.

It's like, it's almost like self-selected box store car it's like uh it's so conservative it's like wackadoo it's almost like remember like um jews the lasers and layers it comes back around and you're on tinder for gay people kind of kind of um like i think you know i don I don't think this has been a relevant conspiracy theory for a while. But remember people used to say that Jews buried dinosaur bones? Yes.
And dinosaurs never really existed. That's like QAnon level.
Oh, I thought. Oh, yeah, dude.
I remember that. That's fucking true, too.
Yeah. Don't get me started with the Jews and the Stegosaurus.
Okay? I could fucking talk about that all day. We love our dino bones.
Who do you think is going to win the Super Bowl? Don't even know who's playing. You don't even know who's playing? Beyonce? No, it's not.
I thought it happened. I honestly thought the Super Bowl happened.
Do you think the NFL is rigged? Do you think that the Chiefs are getting more of it? I don't care. Can't you just go along with it and just act like you know? Rigged? Yeah.
I mean, it's so... I have no opinion about the NFL.
Can I ask you a question? What do you do with your weekends then? Because I always sometimes I think if I stopped watching football, if I stopped watching other men achieve things, like what would I be doing with my like what do you.

I look at the faces of my family.

I look at their faces.

You take them in.

I take them in.

And my kids three and a half.

I'm in wonder of the process.

And we watch TV.

We order lox and bagels.

We don't even like make many plans. We live in Brooklyn.
So we'll kind of like step outside and like so much stuff is happening. We don't do much.
Like what? Those things flying off the coast of New Jersey? Is that happening in Brooklyn yet? What is that? You haven't seen those things? No, what is it? I don't know. They kind of look like yeah, car size-sized level drones.
Car-sized drones?

Like SUV-level drones and the government isn't saying anything about it.

It is the government.

That's what I thought.

Oh, fully.

Who the fuck else has that equipment?

People are like, they're like aliens.

And I'm like, and we're just going to sit here?

Isn't it at least Tom Cruise?

That sucks.

That's the government.

Tom Hanks, one of the Toms?

What I imagine to be surveillance equipment.

It's going to get bad for us. You can't do this, man.
The fucking holidays are coming up, you know? Don't you have nine days in a menorah or some shit coming up? Well, eight days and then the ninth candles are Shamas. You know, we just have to be- We're going this dark? We have to be aware and connected.
We have to be aware and connected. She's got a new special out called Human Magic.
I don't know. You bring it out in me.
What else? Don't blame the victim. I was over here getting ready to have a nice silly- The way you dressed today, you were asking for it, Bill Burden.
You know what? I was asking for it. You were asking for conspiracy theories with this.
Is it blue? Is it green? This shirt. I don't know.
Do you know what? I didn't even know I had this shirt. It's just one of these shirts you find when you have to do your laundry, and you're like, what is this? It's nice.
It's like thick. Yeah, like me.

Like a thick-headed moron.

It fits me.

That's what you think I think of you.

But I think you're smart and funny.

I was so relieved.

The first time I met you.

No, because I was such a fan of Broad City.

Me and my wife used to watch it all the time.

Oh, I love it.

And I was like, these fucking broads over here.

Yeah, baby.

They're geniuses

I can't even tell you

that means so much to me

crazy

that's so crazy

like in comedy

you get to meet your heroes

I find the art form

to be like

you get to meet your heroes

quicker and sooner

it's just like

I can't believe it

thank you so much

I have loved your comedy

for so long

you thought I would think

it's like

no but I did feel like

there was a guarded way

that you accepted that

it became very military

thank you

I like it

thank you so much

just now?

yes

just now

Thank you. I like it.
Thank you so much. Just now? Yes.
Yes, just now. So I wasn't sure if that was like the classic comedian that can't take like a compliment.
It's tough. It is, right? Yeah.
I'm trying to get better at that. You know what I do? You know what I do when somebody compliments me? What? I sit still, but my toes are gripping the inside of the sole of my sneakers.

Little shrimp in it. Stop saying nice.

In them sneakers.

Stop saying nice things.

That's so sweet.

But say nice things.

Yeah, but don't stop.

But don't stop.

Because I have a bottomless pit inside that needs your validation.

I fill up my bottomless pit with hobbies.

Wait, I had a question. I'm so sorry, but now I'm interrupting.
I'll ask it later. I with hobbies.
Wait, I had a question.

I'm so sorry, but now I'm interrupting.

I'll ask it later.

I have it now.

No, no, it's fine.

What are your hobbies?

Oh, I know flying, because I listened to the Kevin Pod.

Flying's crazy, and your conspiracy is.

That's how I got into flying helicopters.

Yeah.

In case shit went down, man.

I was going to get in my helicopter.

I don't know where I was going to go.

Where do you store it?

At an airport. Is the gasoline fucking expensive as fuck um aviation is just expensive it's fucking annoyingly expensive like some little stupid thing like they have like on like the uh i guess on the windshield you'd call it they have a little trim string where you stay in trim you know and it's just it's a fucking it's a piece of it's a piece of yarn that that just makes you stay in trim it Let you stay in trim, you know? And it's just a fucking- What? What is it? It's a piece of yarn that just makes you stay in trim.
It lets you know if you, you know- If you're going straight? It adds metal fatigue. If you're going straight, it doesn't add- It's streamlined.
But if you were to the side like that, it's just adding metal fatigue, which you can't really see during a pre-flight. So it's kind of dangerous.
So anyways, it's literally just a just a piece of fucking yarn all right and it's one of those things where i know because it's starting to wear out and i know when i need a new piece because it's going to be on a helicopter it's going to cost like 750 bucks oh my god jesus it's one of those things um do you only fly like on clear days in the morning lol i go in the fog no shut up fog. No, shut up.
I just fucking push it forward. Shut up.
You're never more alive than when you're flying in the clouds without an instrument rating. Do you have a destination to where you would fly? Or I go, yeah.
And then you have, what you just keep doing is you keep expanding the areas where you fly and you're comfortable and you know how to get in and out of airports or transition the airspace.

And it's an amazing- I'm nervous.

I'm nervous.

Oh, okay.

I thought it was boring.

No, it's a-

No, God.

I'm nervous at a global scale,

you know, a global political scale,

you know, and then also personal,

really hoping you're doing everything safely.

Yeah, no, aviation is unbelievably-

As my instructor says, aviation is as safe as you are. All right? Is John Trivel to one of your heroes? Yeah.
Good answer. Fuck yeah.
I mean, Vinny Barbarino is one of the greatest characters. Yeah, baby.
I'm talking about it. Of all time.
Yeah. Okay, my question.
You were talking about... I mean, as far as like, you know, flying a jumbo jet, I have no...
Driving it into my driveway. I don't want a life that big.
Yeah. Having a bunch of toupees.
Crazy. I'm not into that.
I just- Crazy. You know Adele Dazeem.
I think he likes me because he took my fucking look. Yes.
He went shaved head. Do you know Adele Dazeem? I was the first person ever to do that.
I'm kidding. What? Do you know Adele Dazeem? The singer? Oh my God.
Is that her name? Oh you were thinking of Adele. Oh that's so funny.
No you you have to see this clip of John Travolta calling Idina Menzel Adele Dazeem at an award show. It's like weirdly like queer canon now but it's it's so incredible.
What is queer canon? It's like what um. I love how you speak in english and there's so many of these fucking terms you're using i don't know okay what queer canon canon fodder they're into it oh yes honey yes we are here for it when you see this clip you will be making those sounds it's incredible it's incredible john travolta introduces idina menzel feigns um familiarity but says her name completely he had a decency to act like he had any idea who yeah she was that's true that's true and then he butchered her name oh you know it just it happens wait is vinnie barberino my age and john's age you know 56 cool you look great huh yeah i mean i look great for my age that's not that's okay okay great I'm 37 you're like almost 20 years older than me yeah you're a child oh well okay you don't know shit I like get up my niece are like let me tell you how this world is missy no I'm I'm I'm technically officially entering middle age please well 37 times 2 what is that none us know.
We don't have transferable skills. That's 74.
That's 74. Yeah, you're middle-aged.
I'm done. I'm 56 times two.
Drop dead, baby. 56 times two is dead.
Yeah, drop dead yours. Wait, two things.
Is Vinnie Barberino Welcome Back Hotter or Disco Thing? What's that? No. No, same guy, but I'm saying, is it Welcome Back Hotter, Vinnie Barbarino? Or Barbarino? It is.
Yeah. You know, I didn't know if it was Staying Alive.
I forget the fucking movie. No, he was like a fucking juggernaut.
Like that guy. 100%.
Please. In the 90s too.
No, but like the 70s, it was like he became the face of it and then it then ended up having one of the greatest comebacks of all time and how quickly that went because it seemed to me like 77 78 to 83 when i was a kid was a long time so from in 77 76 or 75 he gets on welcome back carter 77 he does staying, no, Saturday Night Fever, and then he does Grease in 79. Oh, my God.
And just, he was a meteor. And then by light, then he did Urban Cowboy, which started a whole fashion movement of white guys in New York City dressing like they had a ranch.
He was so cute. If you can believe that.
He was so fucking cute.

Oh, adorbs.

He was adorbs. Absolutely adorbs in that

gay cannon fire.

Sorry, I won't let that go by. Wait, I have a couple

other things I want to tell you. Welcome back, Clotter.
I would see

on Nickelodeon

and like Late Night, whatever the fuck it was.

Nick at Night and

Juan Epstein was the first time I saw my hair

on television. You know what I mean? I loved Juan Epstein.
So funny. Signed Epstein was the first time I saw my hair on television you know what I mean I loved Juan Epstein so funny signed Epstein's mother so funny and then Horshack too was hysterical he was my uh neighbor right down the street Horshack yeah but he was agoraphobic so he would never come out that makes sense that makes sense he wasn't agoraphobic till I moved in the neighborhood sure and he was just like I'm not coming out anymore sure and was the other thing? Well, just one thing I want to ask you.
How long have you not been drinking? Six years. Wow.
Mazel Tov. Congratulations.
Yeah. Is that seriously? You're like, okay, I can't tell.
I can't tell. You got a poker face.
I barely joke. I am a clown.
You know what I mean? Like I barely am making a joke. So I'm just coming to terms with that.
No, I'm fully serious, fully earnest. And I've like struggled with my drinking and I just haven't been drinking for the past few months.
And I'm like, maybe this is my thing. Maybe this is who I am now.
Yeah, don't struggle. You just stare into it.
Yeah. And just totally ruin your life.
And then you go, ah. There's one ingredient I could eliminate and things wouldn't know i wish i i wish i tried a couple of times to stop i wish i should have stopped oh christ somewhere in my my early 30s i should have stopped i knew it was time to stop and i decided that i was going to go for another 20 years you know you know i just figured you know what what's a couple of decades of having to apologize and regret shit um um yeah all right everybody we have a new advertiser here in the podcast the legendary brand you don't get any more american than this harley davidson thank you to our sponsor Harley Davidson.
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It's like a horse. I look at the thing.
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It's fucking huge. Everybody can see me.
Sometimes I just sit and look at it. How about that? Like it's a frigging painting.
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You know what I mean, Andrew? All right. This is the next one we got.
Oh, look who it is, everybody. It's him.
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Price varies based on product and subscription plan. All right, let's get her and uh do you do anything else

like weed mushrooms whatever yeah i smoke weed you know nothing crazy i'm like a two puff guy

and then i'm just like i don't like that and then like the gummies are too strong um and then every

once in a while i take mushrooms so i took one like once a year or twice a year so i took one

the other day and i thought it was just going to be sort of a body high and i was by myself and it

Thank you. so I took one like once a year or twice a year so I took one the other day and I thought it was just going to be sort of a body high and I was by myself and it it got into vivid color and then it got into like what's going on with that guy's face right and uh and I was going when I was talking about the gloom and doom I remember my trip ended with me laying on my side going it'll all be over soon just repeating that to myself

because sort of the overwhelming uh i don't know what it's why i don't watch the news and i actually find watching people arguing back and forth online i find it depressing oh my god it's meant to dehumanize you is that i don't know what it is absolutely and it's meant to make you feel like there's no hope.

The reason I

I just can't believe people fall for it it's like you watch a video about it's about michael jordan or it's about somebody making like a cake or something and then some of you like yeah thanks joe biden or they're like yeah not in donald trump's thing and then these people just jump on the hook and they just do that and a lot of times guess, they're just bots trying to get you to interact. And if I was running shit, let me tell you something, me and my two by four, oh, Billy's going to clean up the streets.
You tell me what's up. If you had a fucking robot that was out there trying to get people in your own country to argue about politics, about everything, you would be hung in the street for fucking treason.
That's right. I would fucking, all of of those guys on cnn fox news right in fucking jail yeah you make money off of dividing americans every fucking day and and like like that bullshit like cnn was uh was talking about the c the ceo guy and they were all but the reactions yes and people are not into this stuff it's like like they didn't know that and now the only reason why they're talking about it is because everybody's talking about it and they're just using it to get views and make some fucking money i i they are so fucking out of touch like okay so the reason i am in an act why i am an activist and involved in progressive politics is because i am very scared and so desperately need to have hope and i see good people i just thought you wanted to get beaten up in a park.
That's what being an activist is. No that actually works just being a woman.
But I just. I need it.
And there are good smart excellent fucking people. In the right places at the right time.
And here's like. Also like you make me optimistic.
I actually thought you were so funny and great when I was a kid.

But like you saying this right now, I feel empowered to I feel relieved and empowered.

You know, like I didn't I guess part of this is why you thought I would perceive you as some man or whatever.

But it's like fucking meathead.

Yeah.

But it's like, you know, it's it's like you give me hope and those people give me hope and actually when it comes down to the popular vote it was pretty much 50 50 by the final count it was like off by two million that's like pretty much i didn't even watch it and then he gained maybe as a woman you're thinking too much for sure for sure i need to be missy just leave those those big problems for men. I need to like submit and calm down.
I agree. But I can't stop thinking.
And I'm also a masculine woman. So I do just have those wheels turning and I'm doing all those calculations.
He gained three million followers. Okay.
Voters. The guy who won the election.
Listen. But they lost eight million and i think it's because people were so dehumanized seeing all this murder and horrible shit i thought it was because they had mr magoo in office i thought that that was the big problem at the last second that too that too and also that our tax dollars are like going to all this like horrible murder I think was like what was so dehumanizing.
I just think the last three presidential elections like what we were choosing between shouldn't be acceptable to anybody. It should not be acceptable.
It's a fucking joke. It's a fucking joke.
The big money in politics. You got a guy who starts a sentence and by the time he gets to the end of it he can't remember what he said in the beginning and then you have like the biggest con artist ever and you know what about liberals the last three elections they didn't let you pick who you were voting for that's right Bernie Sanders two times in a row they're like no fuck you here's the company man and then they stick with Mr.
Magoo until like fucking three four months out you know I don't know I just I choose I choose to live a small life now that's all i do i try to go to mom and pop places try to stay out of the box stores i don't i don't want and i've gotten to the point not only do i not watch uh politics anymore i'm starting to pull back from sports because now they're all involved in in like entertainment leagues you can pay college players and now I saw some billionaire going in going this is a tremendous opportunity like these college teams are going to be for sale it's just like do you have to fucking own everything I know do you have to fucking own everything why can't you do it and then what if they're alabama to memphis if they don't give them a new fucking stadium like they do at a pro level it's like you can't get away you can't get away that's what i hate is you cannot fucking like where is my escape from all of this shit like i'm watching like the world series and in the middle of it they have this stand up for cancer and everybody stands up sad holding these signs that everybody everybody knows somebody that dies of cancer, but nobody brings up that our food supply is totally fucking poison. And then if you sit there going like, can I just watch a fucking baseball game without being reminded that corporations are killing their own fucking countrymen and nobody's going to do or say anything about it.
But if you stand at a baseball game with fucking tears in your eyes, like Indian with the pollution when I was a kid which they also did nothing about like I'm supposed to somehow feel better it's annoying so now I'm just into music I just listen to music I love it I love it Jesus fucking music that's my wheelhouse I think you're doing exactly what you're supposed to I think you're curling up into a ball yes and also giving peace and focusing on your um personal world and what makes you feel safe and healthy as a you sound like a therapist wrapping up our session and there's some of the well we are out of time no we're not we're. We are out of time and you're putting up healthy boundaries?

I want to stay.

For me, I'm like, I am here to fight for X number of years.

For me, Bill, I'm here to fight.

And there is a progressive movement building and the people are getting smarter and smarter

and smarter and the technology is trying to beat us, but it won't because it's made by us and when you say we and us these are voices in your head or do you actually have some sort of coalition out there i feel i'm somewhat in touch with gen z and millennial culture at large and that i am speaking for i'll call it a vibe i won't go so i like vibe I won't go so far to say the culture or the people but I'm speaking to a vibe what I believe is accurately all right well I just wanted to have you on because I thought you were fucking hilarious I know that you have a new special making you giggle makes me so happy no you make me feel like I need to be better at what I do. I'm not lying.
I love that. Oh, my gosh.

You feel like you need to be a better man.

I fucking love that.

I didn't say that.

I said better at comedy.

You said it so much.

Although, do I win an Oscar if I say that?

Remember those awful 90s fucking movies?

That is so sweet.

Oh, my gosh.

Stop.

I'm just moved and processing.

Listen, we've moved on.

At better comedy?

You know what I mean? Like, you're so good. I just realized I couldn't drive across town with you.
Why? Because I'd have to dominate the conversation. You can't drive and submit in a conversation? Listen, women in my world are there to listen and validate what I just said.
I don't know what I was going to say. You got two kids.

Tell me about...

Are they teens or above teenage?

They're 46 and 37.

I started young.

So when people sit down

to watch your special,

now that you've given us

your fucking manifesto

on what's going to be happening here,

is this going to be like...

Oh my God, I really sold it well, didn't I?

I know, yeah.

Is this special going to be on fucking the Libertarian channel? Like what is this? Ew. Is it going to be on the gay canon? It's going to be on the gay canon progressive movement sector of Hulu.
I am going to see my wife after this and I am going to somehow work gay canon into whatever... Try to sell it too and see what she says.
She's going to call you out so fucking quick though. Are you kidding me? If I come home with her ears, who the fuck are you talking? That's so funny.
Oh my gosh. Gay canon.
Why didn't you call? Somebody should be calling their special. Oh my God.
And that's so funny because it's kind of a euphemism for a butthole or penis no that would be a rocket i don't know now just picturing a gay man's gaping asshole shooting shit out like a penis i think it doesn't matter you know most people they try to do a little bit of research on gay vernacular before they just loosely throw it out there to the masses. Okay.
So when is the special coming out? It's coming out December 20th. Oh my God.
When is this coming out? My heart just skipped. What? She was going to be like, it's already out.
Oh, gosh, no. And you haven't watched that? We would just redo it.
I have no ego, Bill. You never have to watch it.
And I will cherish this experience. Can I tell you something? Yeah.
If you had no ego, there wouldn't be a reason to say that. I feel like what you're trying to do- Noted.
Is like, yeah. Noted.
It's like, you know, people who wear stuff that has spiritual, like they'll have something spiritual written on their shirt. Oh, my God.
Spiritual written is like, girl. But if it's like a necklace with a spiritual symbol, I believe it.
You do?

Yeah.

Somebody wears a cross

or a Jewish star.

Is it negated by dreadlocks

as a white person?

As a white person, yes.

White dreads.

So you see the necklace,

okay,

and you're like,

oh my God, spiritual.

Then you see the dreads.

You're like, oh my God, no.

Yeah.

But then you see them

with a Bernie Sanders tambourine. Yeah, I don't come back around again.
No. First of all, first thing I'm noticing is the dreads for sure on a white person.
I'm like, whoa, you have dreads. And if they're holding a tambourine, I would say that I'm noticing the cross last and I have no conclusion to draw.
What is that white dread thing? Is that have no personality i have to desperately seem like i'm interesting is that what it is your words why can't you come along for the ride i am sure yeah yeah agreed agreed okay no personality yeah i don't i don't know i don't know i don't know what it is but maybe that no so how did you think this tough how do you think this went? This went pretty good, right? Oh, I'm delighted. I could go on and on.
Chatting here with an old man. Now who has the healthy boundaries ending the conversation? No, I have to get back to a writer's room.
Oh my gosh, that's right. It just never stops.
That's right. That's right.
Oh my goodness. If you could just write up until December 24th at midnight, that would be fantastic.
Yeah. Then we'll read it over the break.
Aye, aye, aye. You say Happy New Year and then you get back in the room.
Also, no, you fucking won't read it over the break. You're going to come back to me mid-Jan and be like, well, we're getting to it this weekend.
Mid-Jan. Yeah.
I like how you talk. Mid-Jan.
Cannon fodder. Cannon fodder.
Human magic. Human magic.
December 20th on Hulu and Disney Plus Worldwide. Toronto, Elgin and Winter Garden Theater.
Oh, that's cool. Why Canada? Are you Canadian? No, I had just done everything else.
Oh, all right. You know, I was so lucky though because- You just conquered every other mountain.
You're like, Jesus, I'm done with this country. I am- What is Drake running Toronto? Fuck that bitch, here I come.
But I was so lucky because Toronto is such a good town to perform for. I was oh my god this and I also love that Montreal hates them you know didn't realize that didn't know that yeah yeah it's a hockey thing I just like oh great it's a weird hatred where like they hate Toronto almost as much as they hate the Bruins but at least we've won and we've beat them in series Toronto never makes the fucking playoffs and they hate them.
But what it comes down to,

I think is they're more English speaking

and Montreal thinks they're French,

which is fucking hilarious.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

You know what I mean?

Yeah, like Céline De Jong.

I always tease Rich Voss

for how hard he talks about Israel.

And it's just like-

I don't know that person.

He's just-

A Jew.

You know what he is?

He's a golf hustler in New Jersey,

like weighing in on this- Golf? Yeah, golf hustlers. You know what he is? He's a golf hustler in New Jersey, like weighing in on this.

Golf?

Yeah.

Golf hustlers.

And is he a comedian?

Sort of.

Copy that.

Incredible.

This is all for Rich.

I love it, bitch.

I love it.

It's off what?

Off Rich?

Hysterical.

I told him, I go, Rich, Israel considers you Jewish the way French people consider Montreal

people as French.

That's right.

That's right.

You're not.

You're fucking American. That's right.
They're Canadian. Thank you, sir.
And keep your face out of our business. Yeah.
You're bringing us down. No, I love Rich, but not his comedy.
Love it. I want to make that statement.
That is so funny, and I love that. Okay.
All right. Well, thank you for coming on.
Thanks for having me. I'm so psyched to finally have met you.
Me too. And that, you know, I'm going to just text you annoying shit.

You're going to be like, fuck,

you're going to really regret it.

I'm going to send you.

And progressive like queer canon

is what I'm going to send you.

Well, what I'm going to do

is it's going to be a slow,

slow build towards QAnon.

Nice.

Right?

And I'm just going to do,

but then I'm going to be cool in between

and where you're like,

all right, maybe I didn't get that joke.

Yeah, right, right.

And then I'm just going to sort of curate it

where you think I'm slowly losing my fucking mind.

Just controlling my woman mind. That's right.
I'm going to fall for it so hard. And then I go total flat earth.
All right. You're talking to me, Jack.
Okay. The special is called Human Magic.
It's on Hulu and Disney Plus. Alana Glazer, one of the fucking brilliant comedic minds we have today.
Thank you so much for coming on the podcast. Thank you guys for watching.
Have a wonderful weekend. And that's all I got.
We'll see you. Hey, what's going on? It's Bill Burr and it's time for the Monday Morning Podcast for Monday, December 12th, 2016.
What's going on? on how are you i've got to be a little quiet man it's only like 6 30 in the morning out here my lovely wife is still sleeping and uh so i'm trying not to wake her up i'm upstairs gonna try to be a good boy this fucking week all right i'm still gonna say all the fucked up shit i always say i'm just gonna say it say it at a volume. It's, you know, a little more palatable for so much.
You know, I woke up this morning, I heard this big fucking booming noise. And you ever get that feeling like, you're like, did I just dream that? Or is somebody in the house? Right? And then you immediately start thinking like all right i got kitchen knives

i got a fucking softball bat right next to my bed and uh but the reality is you know as much as people are want gun control and all of that shit i mean that's the first thing you think of you know you, you know, there should be a fucking thing, right? Where if you can, if you, if they can fucking test you one goddamn time, answer like five fucking questions. And then all of a sudden you never have to go through any sort of fucking, you know, major security at the airport.
Cause one time you didn't act like a fucking lunatic. And then I guess you're good for the rest of your life.
Why can't just like one time, they can't come up with the same type of a test, whatever the fuck they're seeing down at the airport. They can't come up with that for fucking regular people.
You know, you know, it'd be perfect. Just have a fucking 38 and they let you have a silencer.
Now, fuck that a G the silencer because you don't want to ruin your ears you just want to kill the person that comes in your house right it'd be great be right there next to your table and the person comes walking in you know give me all your fucking money just reach over they fucking hit the ground you put the gun back down you just go back to sleep and you know a couple hours wake

back up again you're like hey who's this that your brother-in-law came up oh oh that's right

that's right honey yeah while you were sleeping some guy broke in yeah he's dead um you want to

uh you want to call the cops i'll get some uh you know get the coffee going

you know everybody you know they tell you don't have a knife or anything like that you want

Thank you. the cops i'll get some uh you know get the coffee going you know everybody you know they tell you don't have a knife or anything like that you want bat will give you distance but at the end of the day you know what i mean there has to be some sort of test they look at your fucking driving record right how you did in high school jesus i'd be out the window i don't know what the fuck however the fuck they do it okay and you know you just get you get a you get a glock with a fucking silencer you don't hurt your ears you know you aim center mass or whatever it would be a great fucking thing i really think it would be a great thing you know as long as you knew what everybody's feet sounded like on the floor in your house as long as you know what you knew what their walk sounded like that would be the test right there all your loved ones in your house they would from bare feet to fucking snowshoes you just had to be like all right that's my son Mikey okay that's my wife and she's wearing Uggs right you get it all down all right so then you know what the fucking sound I don't know know i'm just saying i had a little fucking i heard a noise i got a little nervous and i was just like what am i jason fucking born over here i'm not you know my wife's been snoring to beat the fucking band now that she's in the third trimester which is understandable the kid's laying on her fucking lungs so i have to go upstairs to sleep and i all of this shit went through my fucking head right like what if somebody came in downstairs took out my wife and left with no fucking fingerprints they're gonna fucking blame me that's the first thing i thought not oh my god my pregnant wife was gonna be dead first thing i thought is i'm gonna go to jail for that shit that's what you know i'm really selfish when i'm in the middle of the night i'm really groggy like like right now i'm awake and i'd be like well i would be too i wouldn't give a fuck what they did to me at that point i'd be so upset that i lost my wife but when i'm laying here nice and toasty under the sheets that's the first thing i thought of like oh man i love this bed i mean i wouldn't have this bed in jail anyways um we're getting down to it people there's only another fucking uh 19 days left in this year dude fuck christmas by the way fuck christmas right up the old fucking yah.
Alright? Fuck that stupid ass fucking holiday. It's for fucking

kids. The level of fucking

pressure I have to run around and buy

fucking adults.

Fucking presents.

What do you want, a choo-choo train?

You fucking cunt. I don't have time

for this shit. I got too much other stuff to do.

You know?

It's fucking brutal, man.

I had one of the worst

Thank you. for this shit i got too much other stuff to do you know it's fucking brutal man i had one of the worst one of the worst fuck i wasn't going to talk about this i had one of the worst fucking weeks of my life and this christmas music in the background is fucking driving me nuts i'm going to gloss over all of this shit because um i've never gotten emotional on the podcast i do not want to do it now uh you know, I told you one of my good friends died.
I went to the memorial service and, you know, his two, you know, he's got two kids, 10 years old, went up and spoke at it. It's the most heart-wrenching thing I ever saw.
And then Thursday, I know this is going to be probably devastating to a lot of you guys. I had to give my dog away.
Yeso i i had to do it i got a baby coming and um the cleo that you hear on the podcast is not the cleo that um unfortunately when anybody else comes to the door and uh you know she tried to attack my parents my brother-in-law my father-in-law all of my friends she bit one of my friends nipped him and was just like uh it you know it was a ticking fucking time bond for seven years with the dog i love the dog to death my wife loves the dog i was fucking devastated it's the most devastating thing i've had to do it's just one of those adult decisions where it was like my brain was like there's no fucking way you can have a baby crawling around that then becomes a toddler and they don't know how to fucking pet a dog and then she gets a little older and then has friends over and their parents come over. It was just a it was a ticking time bomb.
She does not do well adjusting to new things and something horrible was going to happen. And then she was going to get put down.
So I had to do the responsible thing and found her a great home. And this is what kills me is she's totally adjusted now and is fucking happy as shit and i'm fucking devastated because she's a fucking dog and within four days they're like oh is this the new deal you're the guy now all right um so um i'll tell you a quick story dude fucking i had to hand the dog off to my trainer right so the whole morning i don't want to act emotional because i don't want the dog to be nervous and uh so i took her on one last hike it was fucking brutal and um then i was gathering up all her stuff i give it all to the trainer and i go to hand off the fucking dog and it's like i didn't want her to nervous.
So I barely even said goodbye. I was like, all right, buddy.
Okay. See you later.
Cause I didn't want it to be nervous. Cause I love it so much.
And then I fucking, you know, you know, the trainer takes it. And then I went back in the house, went to the bathroom and then fucking cried like a little boy.
It was fucking brutal. Ah, brutal uh brutal you know it's fucking hilarious my the way women handle this fucking emotion like my wife like sobbed like five or six fucking times including the night before and then their ability to fucking move ahead is is fucking astounding like they can they can know it's sad deal with it being sad they fucking cry it out of them and then i'm not saying she's not heartbroken she's fucking devastated but like their ability their fucking ability to handle shit like that versus a guy guys fucking deny deny deny and then they just hold on to the shit you know what i mean everybody's got that fucking buddy of theirs you know what i mean they're married they got a couple of kids but you get like two three scotches in them they talk start talking about some broad from fucking 25 years ago it's like dude when are you gonna let it go because you know we're not allowed like when i cried over my dog the whole time i was fighting it so it was like an eight second cry done all right fight it off just keep it right there in your chest keep it fucking right there and then you know i'm telling you fucking like nine years from now, I'll be at a fucking Christmas party and have a couple too many fucking Zinfandales and I'll lash out at somebody and they'll be like, dude, where the fuck did that come from? And I'm not even going to know.
It's going to be because I didn't hug my dog before. I mean, I definitely, you know, I did with the days coming up and that type of shit, but I should have given it one last fucking hug, knew i couldn't do it you know um so all right let's pass that let's get past that anyways so i went to the rams game yesterday uh by the way i did hit pause to regroup brutal brutal fucking brutal week and the whole fucking time i gotta sit here listen to fucking christmas music everywhere i go you know if i had a hammer i'd hammer is that a fucking christmas song it's kind of a fucking psycho song right second adult says if i had a hammer we all know what a hammer is for dude all right i don't know I always get nervous when I hear that first sentence if I had a hammer um anyway so I went to the Rams versus um Atlanta Falcons game yesterday um a buddy of mine had tickets and uh I was like dude I gotta go because I really wanted to see the Los Angeles Rams playing in the L.A.
Memorial Coliseum.

I mean, that's where all the greats played from the Rams history, right?

I believe Eric Dickerson played there before he went to before they moved down to Anaheim.

Probably the last of the greats to play there.

The fearsome foursome, right? Lamar Lundy Merlin Olsen Rosie Greer Deacon Jones who else Roman Gabriel that was all before my time then I came in when it was the fucking quarterback controversy of Pat Hayden Vince Ferragamo Wendell Tyler right Jim and jack youngblood what was crazy about them is back then if somebody had the same always if somebody has the same last name as you they put just your first initial and then a period but it was jack and jim so they had to write their whole names it said jack youngblood on the back it never looked right it looked fucking weird um but anyways um i went there and uh it was the typical la uh sporting experience that you uh a lot of times where there's just as many fans if not more fans because it's a transient city it really has nothing to do with la fans there's just so many people like myself that moved out here, you know, chasing the old Hollywood dream. Or if people are just fucking sick of, you know, just bad weather.
People are just always fucking moving. By the way, dude, I'm telling you right now, dude, this fucking real estate bubble out here of them building all of these fucking luxury apartment buildings.
You know where I fucking go over and play hockey? They got this thing, the Pickwick hockey thing that's also a bowling alley and a function room. They're fucking knocking that whole thing down.
Knocking that whole fucking thing down because they're going to have luxury apartments. There's going to be no place to skate out here.
The one that was over in fucking, what was it?

Century City or some shit.

I always get confused over there.

It begins with a C.

It ain't cut.

I don't know what it is.

They fucking, that one's done.

Now this one's gone.

The only one of the ones I know,

there's one down by the airport

and there's one over near Sherman Oaks Valley Ice Center.

And other than that, I don't know.

I'll have to fucking go buy some rollerblades, right?

Some little fucking short shorts, do that stupid thing, you know,

where you set up the cones and you come up to them and turn around backwards, right?

Anyways, yeah, dude, so they have this this they put up this fucking one building right and uh really impressive building it's over near beverly hills so i was just like oh you know see what that building is about i go on the internet right it's called the 10 000 i'm like all right why is it called the 10 000 it's called the 10 000 because that's the the amount of money you have to pay a month to live there. It gets bare minimum.
How fucking tacky is it? How many times are we going to fucking do this? You know what I mean? It's like we always act, there's always like some sort of crash and everybody fucking loses everything. And by everybody, I mean the the fucking lower 99 gets their fucking asses

kicked and then you know give it a couple years and all of a sudden it just comes right back out around again to the bud fox greed is good dude how fucking tacky is that the name of the building is the minimal this is how much you're paying in rent Jesus Christ have a little bit of fucking class

yeah they're just

every is how much you're paying to rent. Jesus Christ, have a little bit of fucking class.

Yeah, they're just everywhere.

They're putting up luxury apartments.

I don't know where the fuck they're going to find all these people to fill these things,

but I guarantee you they're not going to do it.

Like I was thinking of buying a small apartment building out here,

but everybody's fucking buying them up.

I can't even afford to fucking get in one. Or, you know, just because it's stupid, it's like at the height of the fucking market.
You know, I was thinking of buying like a parking garage or some shit, just a parking lot, you know? The fuck are all these people going to park? I guess they're building parking underneath the goddamn things. Ah, they got it all figured out.
You know, I guess I'll be telling jokes for the rest of my fucking life. I'm trying to have some sort of something, a lemonade stand or something where I get into my older fucking years.
I got some sort of loot coming in that doesn't have to do with me fucking putting on my tap dancing shoes. I don't know.
So anyways, I went to the, um, the, uh, Los Angeles Rams game yesterday and it was so great to see them play there even though they had a fucking brutal game they were down 42 to nothing to maddie ice and fucking uh uh fucking the rams and i i mean the the falcons and evidently their best receiver whoever the fuck that is julio jones or some shit i think i heard that name is that a baseball player i don't know i don't play fantasy sports and i'm too fucking busy to really pay attention as much as i used to he wasn't even playing and they just kicked the shit out of him you know it's funny the rams finally scored a touchdown right to make it 42 to 7 and they lit the olympic torch i'm sure they just light it late at night but it seemed like that's when i first noticed that it was on. And then they also had a, a fumble recovery for a touchdown crowds going nuts.
So whenever that happens live, the first thing I do is try to pick up a referee to see if I see, you know, him going, no, no, no, no, no. It's, it's a dead ball.
Or if he's saying touchdown and as the guy was crossing the goal line, you could see the ref was already going already going no no no pointing at the ground saying it was you know either the guy was down or whatever right and the fucking fireworks guy the fucking fireworks guy shoots the fireworks off on a touchdown that got called back it's fucking hilarious because they're not selling out games you know they're probably i bet that guy got chewed out fucking owner probably came down in his camel-haired coat you know where the fuck is the goddamn fireworks guy i'm sorry mr mr fucking owner i have to shut the fuck up it's coming out of your pay he's down there fucking crying um but it was just such a great stadium it holds 90 000 people for the life of me can somebody explain to me why the los angeles rams need a new football stadium there's a football stadium there's two of them there's the rose bowl and there's the fucking la memorial coliseum why do we have to take more fucking natural resources out of the fucking earth to build another one of these stupid ass fucking stadiums? So they can have luxury boxes and put all the bells and whistles on it, you know, so they can attract people who aren't into sports to go to the fucking event. I love that fucking stadium.
I had a great time. I love that it's a so-called shithole i think it's great do you know there was 62 steps to get from fucking where i was seating sitting back up to the main concourse to fucking walk out of the stadium it's fucking tremendous 62 steps you know it makes you drink less you're burning a bunch of calories there's less fat fucks but now what do they say oh that's a fire hazard the incline's too steep we're fucking we're so soft in this fucking country that's why like everybody's trying to get me all freaked out about having a kid about how difficult it's going to be and i'm not saying it's not going to, but it's like people, women used to have kids and then they'd fucking die.
And then the fucking guy had to go out, bury his wife and get behind a team of oxen, plow some rocky goddamn field. And then fucking, I don't know, feed the kid.
I don't go to milk at that point. I have no idea.
And somehow we did it. You know, people have survived plagues.
I can't fucking be in a house with central air conditioning and heat and all of this shit. I, you know, I mean, how much fucking harder is.
Oh, God, I wish parents from fucking in the past could come and listen to the way people fucking whine and go on and on about themselves you know and the way they lecture people who don't have kids dude you have you have no idea oh my god it's so shut the fuck up these fucking people coming over you know come paddling over from cuba on a fucking refrigerator door fighting off sharks you know and you can't you can't change a couple of diapers i'm telling you people are fucking they're pussies they're fucking soft people are fucking soft they fucking bitch moan and complain yes yes there's things in life you know i'd say at this point with all the modern gadgets all right if you have a job if you're not worried about money as far as you have enough fucking money to make your rent and all that stuff i mean a kid shouldn't be any more difficult considering the love back that you're gonna get other than you know a major fucking adjustment and something that's inconvenient but i mean come on it's difficult yeah compared to the rest and compared to what sitting down and playing playstation at fucking 38 years of age uh i might eat these words but i mean i'm just comparing it to the fact that you know these people used to live in the fucking middle of nowhere they'd have like 14 fucking kids i can't handle one i got all the sports packages, right? I mean, my fucking life's a joke, literally. Anyways, I don't know.
Let's try to stay on top of it. I have no fucking idea why they need a new stadium.
It's, you know, I can't talk and type in my password. Come on.
Stick with the bill. Focus.
Oh, and he does it. Anyway, so we went to the game, and I had a great time, and the fucking Atlanta fans were like, the amount of shit talking.
Dude, there was this one guy, this one fucking guy, he bought those fucking wide receiver gloves you know where they have the logo of the team and then they cross their hands and they put their hands up over the heads you know like when like the fucking franchise player scores a touchdown he does that and it looks cool he was doing that at the end of the game just holding his hands up facing facing the fucking Rams

fans He was doing that at the end of the game, just holding his hands up, facing the fucking Rams fans. I'm telling you, dude, this guy was like 50, all right? You know, all wire thin, you know, street dude, right? 50 years old, and he walked out, and he was doing a selfie video as he walked out, you know, talking shit it's like dude you beat the fucking rams i mean let's fucking relax you're not beating the giants you're not beating seattle you're not beating the cowboys you're not doing shit this year fucking guy running out like they just want to play a game i don't know what it is about me but i fucking hate when the fans from the visiting team take over a stadium even if i don't give a fuck about the team i respect the rams so next thing you know i'm talking all this shit to rams fan i mean to falcons fans in the back of my head i'm like why are you doing this bill you don't give a fuck it's just rams fans they didn't have anything they weren't coming with the shit talk.
They couldn't. They were down 42-7, right? 42-14, I think, was the final.
So at one point, you know, they went up 42-0. All these Falcon fans, they start chanting, A-T-L, A-T-L, A-T-L.
And I just started yelling, You're a hub city. No one goes to Atlanta.
We pass through your city on to our final destination. Started yelling all this shit about Delta Airlines.
I believe that that's the hub there. And afterwards, I just started thinking, why do I care? Oh, and then I also screamed at the fucking Atlanta's punter.
He fucking punted the ball, and this guy had a nice run back, and he comes off the field. Now, granted, he could have been mad that he kicked it to the wrong guy, or he's supposed to kick it away, but he came off the field, and he did the double fucking pulling the chin straps off, and he was like, fuck, and he's screaming all this shit he was all upset i fucking went off on him i don't even remember what the fuck i said i was just so beside myself that a punter would talk that level of shit say don't sit the fuck down have they washed your uniform once this year you fucking dope you're closer to sitting in the stands than you are actually being on that fucking do you know what i mean you know what it'd be like it'd be like if this guy was in the armory and he's he like peels potatoes and he's talking shit because he cut his finger or something like that and meanwhile he's sitting around a bunch of people that just came back from the front lines that's how i look at it i mean i might be a cunt i have no idea.
So anyways, when I was sitting there watching the Rams game, I mentioned to my buddy how there used to be a football stadium. I couldn't remember the name of it.
First I said the Baker Bowl, and I was like, I think that might be in Philly. But there was a stadium for anybody who lives out here in L.A.
A lot of people, you know, LA is really bad about their history. And, um, they had a stadium, uh, that was down where the farmer's market is and on Fairfax and Beverly, it was actually a baseball stadium there too.
I don't know anything about that, but they had a stadium called the Gilmore stadium and called Gilmore stadium. And they had a couple of NFL, like, all-star games there.
And then they had, like, some defunct football league, like the L.A. Bulldogs or some shit played there.
I looked it up on Wikipedia early this morning. I couldn't sleep that well.
A little heartbroken Billy here. I couldn't sleep last night.
And then the baseball field that was next to it if you ever watch those classic um home run derbies well they have like al caline versus like mickey mantle and shit and you know they're in la and you're like where the fuck is that stadium um they filmed a lot of it at the stadium right next to it right now there's like the cbs lot there where they film like the price is right and shit and as i was looking that up i didn't know this they actually had a wrigley field in la that looks like uh from the map it was near or north of watts la which is south of the 10 and east of the 110 and it was built by the same guy that made wrigley field in chicago and comiskey field i'm a fucking nerd i like up that shit. I looked up shit about the Rams.
They've won one Super Bowl. They won it in St.
Louis, obviously, 1999. People wouldn't remember that.
And they won an NFL title in 1945 when they were still in Cleveland, which is where they started. So they've never won an NFL title or a fucking Super Bowl bowl here in la and i gotta tell you after watching them yesterday they don't seem like they're that much closer fucking jeff fisher taking all kinds of shit all kinds of shit um they need to fire him they need to fire his ass all right well who do you think who else is who to replace him with? You got to have a replacement.
I mean, this guy's been in the fucking league forever. Did take a team to the Super Bowl.
However, it was fucking 17 years ago. He did well with Vince Young.
You know, but in defense of him, you know, if you look at the last since the Patriots started going to the Super Bowl. OK, the Patriots have gone to six fucking Super Bowls, all right? And then as far as winning, Patriots have won four.
Steelers won two. Giants won two.
Packers won one. I mean, it's like literally like every fucking decade, there's like two or three teams that just fucking run the table.
In the fucking 90s, it was Cowboys won three. won two there's half the super bowls are fucking gone right there and you knew the 49ers were gonna get one and they won for the previous decade there's just always that steelers won four in um let's look at the 80s the 80 80s, it was 49ers won four.

The Raiders won two.

That's six gone right there.

Giants won one.

Redskins won one.

Redskins won two.

All right, so that's four, two, and two.

You got three teams that won eight of the 10.

And then it was the Bears and whoever the fuck else I just said i can't remember um won the other one uh wait a minute where does it go it goes raiders 49ers redskins raiders 49ers bears giants redskins 49ers 49ers oh giants other ones. Giants and Bears won one.
All right. Sorry.
I'm getting all fucking nerded out here with the fucking sports talk here, which I'll probably do a little bit more of. But I probably should do some advertising here.
But I want to talk to you guys about some shit where I told you I've been starting to get. I found someone, you i fucked up my back last or this year with the sciatic nerd thing sciatica right i went through all of that shit through that i found a great chiropractor and then a great masseuse which has led me to this other person that i just went to who's um you know a former like mr universe bodybuilder and all that he's's a fucking genius and everything.
I went to go see this guy because I fucked up my rotator cuff years ago. I've been trying to just fight through it and all that type of shit.
I finally went to go see this guy. I came walking in.
Those bodybuilders, they spend their lives just looking in the mirror, you know, with fucking clothes on.

He just saw all of my shit.

It was it.

He just went like, all right, your shoulders are rotated forward.

Your left one is actually closer to your neck than your right one is.

And then he goes, stand in the mirror.

You see that?

Dude, I brush my teeth every fucking twice a day, right?

Two, three times a fucking day.

I've never noticed that.

I'm like, holy shit, he's right, because it's rotated in and turned ever so slightly. It's not like it's like fucking three inches, but you really have to look at it.
And then he goes, all right, do me a favor. Turn your head to the left and turn it to the right.
And then he just started smiling because he knew what my fucking issue was um whatever your that neck muscle is my chest and my trap muscles are too fucking tight and your trapezy muscle whatever it is it goes all the way down to the middle of your back but mine is super tight up top and my chest is tight so it's pulling everything forward and it's making my shoulders go up.

Like my shoulders always go up.

Like, so he gave me this fucking stretch.

Even if you don't have this fucking problem, I got to tell, hopefully I can describe it over the podcast here.

It's just stand up straight.

Right.

And then just lift your chest up.

Put your shoulders back.

Put your fucking shoulders back. Lift your chest up like to like you feel like you're trying to make it go to the ceiling.
And then have your hands, your arms. Bring your arms back behind you.
Palms up. And stretch back as far as you can.
All right? Like you totally open up your chest as you bring your arms back and try to hold that for a minute.

It's been a complete game changer now.

So like my shoulders have come down because I went to my suits.

She beat the fuck out of my neck.

And my shoulders are fucking down a little bit more. But I swear to God, what I used to do like yoga stretches, like on one side, I could totally like, you know, they always be like, reach around and grab your arm or whatever that yoga shit i could totally do it on one side could not do it on the other side and for my whole life like i've had this fucking problem like one shoulder being higher than the other forever you know and some nurse when i was in high school goes oh you got a little bit of scoliosis yeah your spine's a little curved and blah blah blah blah blah and like and this fucking who's i don't fucking who's, I don't even know who the fuck she was.
I was just like, yeah, that's the problem. And it wasn't.
So I talked to this guy. He was just going like, oh yeah.
He goes, I'll have you fucking straightened out in like a month or something. And so he gave me these exercises to strengthen up the lower part of the trapezi or whatever.
And for the first time in my life, I i'm gonna actually be able to sit up straight just naturally and um the amount of shit that it has affected it's given me back problems like playing drums and stuff like i forever having to like adjust shit and wondering why when like i sit down like why i have to bring the snare higher than i should have to bring it, you know, and everybody else would just sit down and be,

no, it seems pretty normal to me.

I had no fucking idea what the deal was.

And evidently I was all crooked up top.

So I got to tell you, that's something that I've learned this year.

One of the biggest things I've learned this year is like how medicine, if you go to a shoulder doctor, he's just going to fucking look at your shoulder. You know what I mean? You go to your back doctor, he's just looking at your fucking back.
But you go to these masseuses and people like that, they understand how the whole fucking body works. And they understand like, oh, this is pulled out of alignment.
It always comes down to balance, where it's like these muscles are too tight and the muscles on the other side are too weak.

So this is either pulling this forward or pulling this back, which is causing you to compensate when you walk.

And that's like you literally have a problem with your left foot because of your right shoulder.

It's fucking amazing.

If you get a good one.

All right.

You go to some rug and rub and tug place. You're still going to have a but oh you're gonna walk out with a smile on your face sorry um all right i know i haven't been this too funny all right i'm going through a lot of shit here all right let me uh let me read the um let me read the uh the advertising here for this week.
Okay. Oh, Jesus.

Here we go.

Anyways, I've been hanging with my wife, you know, barely doing any stand-up, just sitting here waiting for the kid to come.

And poor thing.

She's all really uncomfortable.

She's at the point.

She's been such a trooper.

She's at the point now.

She's just like, let's get this kid out of me, right?

And last night was the first time I saw a kick through this fucking kick. Like, do these exercises.
You know, I have to help me do these exercises so she can try to stay limber. And I just saw like it was literally like it was like a foot just fucking kicked aside.
It was just like it's insane. It's insane that there's a goddamn kid in there.
It's the most amazing fucking thing. And also like, yeah, you just say to your wife, like, there's no way for them to convey it to you.
It's like, what is it like to have a person in you living inside of you? It's like, can you watch Alien now and just be like, I get it. I totally fucking get it.
So anyways, I hung in with her one night, right?

And we watched Rudolph the Red-nosed reindeer then we watched uh frosty the snowman as much as i could watch you know i don't get into frosty the snowman it's too fucking that one just gives me anxiety you watch rudolph the red-nosed reindeer and it's slightly about racism and acceptance you know what i mean his own dad is ashamed of him and then he tells him to fuck off and then there's all the misfit toys there's something going on there there's like this theme about racism and special needs kids i don't really there's just so many fucking other things going on that it's really fucking sad and you watch it and it's 50 years old and you realize so much hasn't changed. And then if you go right into Frosty, the fucking snowman, and then here's this adult that's going to get on a fucking choo-choo train with some little girl.
She doesn't tell her parents she's fucking leaving. And then there's the fucking stress that it's going to melt.
I was just like, you know what? You got to shut. I can't handle this.

Right. I can't fucking handle this.
It's giving me too much anxiety. Right.
And so then we switched over and we watched a little bit of Mary Poppins, which I haven't seen in a long time. But I get all of those movies confused.
You know, the supercalifragilisticexpialidocious. Is that that one? Chitty, chitty, bang, bang.
It's always some fucking old guy, rich guy whose wife died.

And now the new hot piece of ass comes in and she shows him how to fucking loosen up.

You know what I mean?

That role has now been taken over by African-Americans, right?

They come in and they teach the uptight white dude how to fucking, I don't know, do the electric slide.

I never watched those fucking movies, you know. But back in the was a it was a new fucking like chick in the guy's life but this one he was like married but it was dick van dyke you know i singing chim chimeney chim chimeney chim chim charoo the lifer of a fucking sweeper that's what i want to do right they're all fucking happy as hell you know completely romancing blue collar work like rich people are all fucking miserable and these people who are just gonna die at 39 fucking miners lung are somehow dancing around up on the roofs you know covered in fucking soot and i got through as much as that as i could get through and uh you know i bought a christmas tree and i did all the dishes i watched all of that shit and like you know the next morning i was going to the rams game so everything that i did in the last 24 hours is just completely wiped out it's fucking unbelievable but that's how it works man that's how it fucking works.
So anyways, oh, here's something that I did not mention. This is something you have to do as a man, especially if you have a wife and a family.
You got to get life insurance, and I'm doing it this fucking week. I just lost another friend who didn't fucking have it, and you have to fucking do it.
Guys, we don't like dealing with our fucking mortality. I know you've watched enough of the first 48 that you're literally giving your wife a motivation to fucking take you out.
You know what I mean? But you got to do it. You got to fucking do it.
So I'm doing that this week. It's been a brutal fucking week.
This week I learned about loss. You know, like I didn't already have enough fucking examples.
I got the old fucking right there, Fred, this week. Anyways, plowing ahead.
How about the fucking Giants? How fucking amazing are the New York football Giants? Every fucking year. I've been saying it all year.
Eli Manning is bored in September and October. And then, oh, we got to fucking win some games here.
He just the guy just comes to fucking life. They beat the fucking Cowboys again.
They got this amazing fucking defense. This is this is what I'm so jealous of as a Patriots fan.
I don't fucking get how I was first for going like, why do we always have to get rid of our guys that

are getting becoming stars this year chandler jones we got rid of and uh what's his face we

sent over to the fucking browns you know always for the same shit a fucking second round draft pick

you know we got rid of chandler jones and uh what's the other fucking guy's name from fucking

florida university whatever i i'm you guys i'm so fucking busy with my wife right now i don't even

know who the fuck's who right now. But it's just what I hate about the fucking Patriots.
Speaking of balance is we have all our money on the offensive side of the ball. All our stars are on the offensive fucking side.
And we're forever getting rid of these fucking cornerbacks.

Why won't we pay a fucking cornerback?

All the way back to Ty Law and Lawyer Malloy.

We just constantly get rid of those fucking guys.

You know, you watch.

We'll get rid of that fucking kid who made that pick in the fucking Super Bowl against Seattle.

We'll fucking get rid of him when he wants a contract.

I don't fucking get it. Gronk's paid.
Brady's paid. I imagine Edelman's going to get paid if he's not paid already.
And then nobody on the other side of the fucking ball, it seems like. Whenever they do.
Whenever they're fucking. Defense wins fucking championships.
And we fucking are forever doing this. You watch tonight.
How many points is Tom Brady going to have to put up on the fucking scoreboard to beat the Ravens who always have a good defense? I fucking love the Ravens. I love the Giants.
I love the Steelers. I love those fucking teams that just they always have a great fucking defense.
What kills me about the Giants is they got this fucking killer defense and they still have eli they got fucking what's his face there who you know jesus christ what a fucking diva he is even when he's not on the field he's got to be like you know trying to get the crowd going like they're not into the game i fucking hate that shit you know odell beckham it's like we get it we get it you're. It's not enough that you'd had a one-headed 90 yard fucking catch.
Now you got to be sitting there fucking up on the goddamn stands doing the YMCA dance with the fucking crowd. Literally like the defense is out there shutting down the Dallas Cowboys and the fucking cameras on you.
Cause you're fucking doing Christmas carols with the fucking front section. That drives me up the wall, right? They got him.
They got, they still have enough money for that fucking dude. Cruz.
It's, it's, it's amazing, but somehow Bill Belichick trades these fucking guys and gets like three or four second round draft picks that eventually mature into these stars. And then we win a title and then it's like then they want their money and then we fucking get rid of them again so believe it or not as much as the patriots are you know looked upon as a number one or number two seed maybe behind the raiders i don't know i haven't watched the last couple weeks I know the Broncos lost um I don't

know how it fucking works but you got to think that we're one of the favorites right to go to yet another fucking Super Bowl but um this is actually a rebuilding year for us that's how great Bill Belichick is but um I think the Patriots lose tonight unless we we got to put up like I I would say like 38 points because Joe Flacco is no fucking slouch.

I don't know i just don't have any fucking faith in it and i don't think that the patriots defense stinks i just think every fucking year they're good guys you know one or two guys it seems gets the old fucking heave oh um you know what the patriots are really good at we're really good at finding that fucking white dude who for no fucking reason is fucking really fast.

The Wes Welkers.

Right.

The Edelmans, the Amendolas.

That's what the fuck we are good at.

And the Giants are great at finding fucking those guys that are built like are as fast as a linebacker but for some some somehow other size of a defensive end they get all of those fucking guys they spot them a mile away somehow we can't find them you know and i think the ravens and the uh steelers they they they're really good at just getting those hall of fame fucking defensive backs and linebackers. Ed Reeds, Ray Lewis, fucking Steelers.
You can name like 50 goddamn fucking people, right? From the fucking Steel Curtain all the way up to Paul Amalo. I don't know.
They're just fucking good at it. So having said that, I've been also watching my bruins um i'm still trying to see where where we're working towards when we sent the entire stanley cup winning team gave you know over the course of two and a half seasons sent every significant player from those teams out the door except for Chara and Marshawn and Bergy.

I don't know. I don't see we're a year and a half into this shit I don't we're still a fucking eighth seed this is right where we were last year and I swear to god if they make our coach take the fall for this all right we better keep him and at the end we if we think that this doesn't work out, all right, you definitely keep Claude Julien.
You definitely keep Cam Neely. But Mike O'Connell's got to fucking go.
Because he's the guy who made, as far as I know, he's the guy that fucking did all this shit. I don't know.
You know what? The fucking Bruins never want to pay anybody. Unfucking believable.
Dude, Pasternak has 18 fucking goals, right? I watched some of the Toronto game yesterday I know we lost 3-1 I don't know who scored I missed that part And he's got 18 fucking goals Can you imagine if Sagan was there We would have two fucking lines At least we admit we fucked up when we got rid of Sagan But whatever But you know something The Celtics are looking good Al Horford is the fucking real deal. And I think he's a fucking leader.
I think he's like a fucking superstar, and he's not a fucking head case. I'm loving that guy.
You know, we got Isaiah Thomas. We got a point guard.
We got a guy down low who actually can fucking pass the ball. He's brought the ball up the court.
As much as everybody's freaking out about what the Greek freak there, the Bucs, there's a bunch of guys six foot 11 could do that. I'm a fucking LeBron James.
He's been doing everything that that guy does just because he doesn't play the point guard position. Everybody's fucking freaking out.
But that guy is amazing. All right.
But I don't know. I'm loving what Danny Ainge is doing.
And I think we're one guy away. I don't know much about who, whoever that middle guy is between your number one and your number five, the power forward.
I don't know what the fuck we need a two or three. I don't know what the fuck it is, but we could just have another guy.
Our bench, we play great fucking defense. I don't know.
Our bench is a little suspect though, right? Kelly Olenek comes in and that other fucking guy who can't, I swear to God. I think I could literally beat this guy taking foul shots.
He's one of, he's one like, was it smart? The guy with the fucking blonde hair. Anyways, let's, let's get to some of the questions here for this fucking week here.
I got to wrap this up too because the people are putting the, the punch list guys are coming back to put the finishing touches on the kitchen. Oh, by the way, you know, this is free advertising.
And a campfire cooktop, top grill, you got to get one, dude. I got one in my backyard.
My wife was fighting me on that thing. I finally, I shut her the F up.
I went out and I made, steak and cheese is one of her favorite fucking sandwiches.

I went out there.

I went on the internet.

I looked for a simple fucking recipe.

All I did to season the meat

was a little Worcestershire sauce and some salt.

That was it, right?

I had white American cheese.

My wife isn't into peppers and onions.

I was like, fine.

I sauteed a little bit of mushrooms.

I had these fresh French rolls dude fucking game over game over she ate that thing she didn't have time to say how great it was she just fucking wolfed that thing down and i was literally sitting there like you know i need the approval i'm like was it good did you? She's like, how about the fact that I ate it in a minute?

And I couldn't even talk because my mouth was so full.

That's how good it was.

I was fucking psyched.

I haven't even done.

I haven't even.

You can do Rubens on that fucking thing.

You can make the whole Grand Slam breakfast, hash browns, pancakes, bacon.

The whole thing.

Get the bacon going.

Slide the bacon over.

You put the hash browns in that fucking grease.

Go fuck yourself.

Thank you. Hashbrowns, pancakes, bacon, the whole thing.
Get the bacon going. Slide the bacon over.
You put the hashbrowns in that fucking grease. Go fuck yourself.
Jason Lawhead already gave it the nickname because I'm bringing it to the Rose Bowl. He calls it the game changer.
And he's going to be making Rubens that day. Like he's literally J.
Lawhead is a fucking ridiculous cook. He's unbelievable, unbelievable right he's so excited about that thing he like dropped his voice like three octaves i sent him a picture he was saying i go dude you gotta see what i got for the tailgate tailgate this year he goes i really do what'd you get what'd you get and i showed it to him he's just like oh dude dude you got a cook top.
dude i mean that's fucking limitless i you can do brats you can do rubens you can do breakfast and just fucking rattling all i just started laughing he goes that thing that thing is a game changer it's literally a fucking game changer um he was uh i can't even tell you the ideas that he because he told me i should put out my own one he had all these fucking ideas, but I don't want anybody to steal it. I probably won't put it out anyways.
But so steak and cheese is on the, forget about on the diet. By the way, I've done cardio every day this month.
All right. 11 days in, I got day 12 here.
I'm telling you, go through the holidays. Just do a fucking half hour cardio every fucking day.
All right. And you pick your spots.
We eat like a fucking moron, ate like a moron yesterday. And then today you get right back on it, you know? Um, and that way you start the year, you know, you're not a fat fuck.
You don't got that extra 10 to 15. You don't want to deal with that shit or, you know, or whatever.
Don't listen to me or listen to me. Okay, here we go.
Let's get to the emails for this week. All right.
Mom worried about me traveling. Dear Billy Scrotumhead.
I don't know what. That's just fucking mean for mean sake.
My girlfriend and I have been dating for five years now and finally decided to travel abroad together. You taking your brood abroad um she is a seasoned traveler but i have yet to have traveled internationally well that's great she knows what she's doing just follow her lead uh we recently purchased purchased tickets to greece to pop my cherry uh celebrate her birthday um well that's great uh i just told my mom about the trip and a few days later received a text from her very worried about traveling to greece slash out of the country i'm 27 years old uh mom and scared of me getting uh you left out some words here buddy my mom is scared of me getting killed due to the country's current state and terrorists my mom took a few days to research all the negative things unemployment bankruptcy etc about greece to try to destroy me from going well if she looked up the fucking is it santa rio santa relli what the fuck that's frank santa relli it's the comedian what's that fucking beautiful place you stay it's all every all the buildings are white it's right on the Mediterranean Sea if she looked that up she'd be fine listen if you live in America and you just sit in your if you're going to listen to international news they're not going to talk to you about great shit you got to watch the travel channel if they're going to show the news all you're going to hear is bad shit that.
That's like everybody in England thinks everybody over here weighs 400 pounds and owns 15 guns.

And you walk down the street with them on your hip.

You know what I mean?

I see just as many fat fucks in fucking Great Britain.

Maybe not as much.

But there's a lot of fish and chip eating fucking rotted teeth.

Dirty, dirty white people out there. but that's all that's all you're gonna know tell her to put on the travel channel send her a couple of fucking links all right anyways he goes i understand that she's worried about her son but i'm also aware that she lives in a shell and she's never traveled abroad after hearing on the podcast that you have been to greece recently no I haven't.
I want to go there. I went to Italy recently.
My question for you is, do you think an average Joe first time parentheses nervous travel like myself will feel safe? Any words to put me at ease? I would love to hear what you have to say, good or bad, as this will help in my decision. Dude, the greatest fucking thing is you're going with your girlfriend and she's a seasoned traveler.
She'll know what the fuck to do. So just follow her lead.
But I would encourage you to step out of your shell. Learn a couple of phrases.
The locals love when you make an attempt to speak their language. Even in Paris, as much as they get shit.
If you're really fucking trying and you're showing respect for their culture and you're on your best behavior that's another thing too when you travel abroad you're on your best behavior unlike all these fucking europeans so many of them that come over here they literally start trashing america to you in the united states of america it's like jesus christ what the fuck is wrong with you what I mean? Like as much as I was just teasing England, I go over there. I'm on my best fucking behavior.
All right. I go on stage.
I'll tease him a little bit. But in general, I talk about what a great fucking time I'm having there.
You can easily pick apart any fucking place that you go to. So anyways, I would learn a couple of phrases.
Dude, you're going to eat, you're going to have food over there like you've never had here before. You're going to see things you've never had.
You have to swim in the Mediterranean Sea. It is fucking life changing.
And dude, I'm telling you right now, if you have any sort of stress in your life, if you stay along the Mediterranean from Spain all the way over to greece like you can't fucking miss you know just all i would say is just watch out for pickpockets okay those gypsies are are the fucking bill belichick and tom brady's of pickpocketing i mean they it is a fucking art form they're're so good at it. You almost won't be mad.

Like, how the fuck did they do that?

All right.

So that's the biggest thing that I would worry about.

And especially watch your wife with their big, stupid fucking purses.

And they're all excited and they're fucking looking around.

This is what you do.

All right.

You make a copy of your passport.

OK, copy your fucking passport and you fucking keep you, you know, have it in the safe at the fucking hotel. All right.
Keep it at the hotel. I take my chances with some cleaning lady taking your passport.
She ain't going to fucking do that. Right.
You have a copy of that. All right.
I would definitely wear some sort of fucking like pants that have

zippers on them that you can zip that shit shut. And when a bunch of people start coming up to you,

crowding you, be it on the subway or anything like that, you put your hand on your fucking wallet.

You have it right there. I wouldn't have, don't have any fucking thing of value whatsoever.
And

I'm telling you right now, this is probably making you fucking nervous or whatever. This is just

Thank you. you have it right there.
I wouldn't have, don't have any fucking thing of value whatsoever. And I'm telling you right now, this is probably making you fucking nervous or whatever.
This is just, this is just, you know, Mr. Meaner stealing shit, but we'll make your life fucking miserable because you're going to have your credit cards and all that type of shit and your money and all of that.
It's just, you know, pickpockets is the only fucking thing that I ran into when I was over there. That's the only thing you have to worry about.
And just really, really be super fucking hyper fucking aware when you're walking up to, um, whatever the fuck touristy thing, what do they got over there? They have the ruins, all of that shit. You know, you're going to go any, any of that type of stuff.
Like in Paris, if you go up to the eiffel tower you have your hands on your shit and when people come walking up to you um speaking in english just literally just fucking go no hablo no hablo and just fucking and if they keep coming at you just say get the fuck away from me i'm telling you right now you just tell them to get the fuck away from you. Any of those fucking broads coming up to you,

they want to, you know,

you're at the Eiffel Tower.

What are you going to,

you stand in line,

you go in the Eiffel Tower,

get the fuck away from me.

They're coming up there to steal from you.

Watch out for their kids.

That's the only fucking thing because they are fucking tremendous at it.

That's all.

Anytime you walk out of there

and I would also,

the next advice I'd give you is

like just bring carry on. I'd even say that to your wife, too.
Just bring your girlfriend. Just bring carry on.
You're going to wear the same fucking T-shirt and shorts basically every goddamn day. No one's going to give a fuck.
You're on vacation. Flip-flops and all of that type of shit, okay? All I can say is just like, you know, under pack.
And if you want to buy, um, if you want to buy like some touristy shit, you know what I love? I love magnets. I love those patches, those flags that you're going to sew onto a coat or some shit.
You know, you have the memories, you have the pictures. You know, what are you going to, you know, you go out buy some wooden shoes and a big beer stein.
If you want to buy some shit like that, ship it back. Do that.
Just go there. Have a good time.
Watch your fucking valuables when you're around fucking, if you're on the subway and if you're near anything touristy. Other than that, have a great fucking time.
Chill out. Eat the best fucking food you're ever going to fucking have and swim in the Mediterranean Sea.
And you'll have those memories for your whole fucking life. It's the greatest fucking thing.
And I feel bad for your mom that she's never traveled outside of the country because it's a great thing. All right.
Clingy girlfriend. Clingy girlfriend.
Bum, bum, bum, bum, bum. Hey, Bill, as you may have read from the title of this email, I am dealing with a clingy girlfriend.
We've been dating for three months now and pretty much have only known each other. What? We've been dating for three months now and pretty much have only known each other for three months now.
So it's a pretty new relationship. Okay, so I get it.
You didn't work with her. Gradually work up the balls.
You saw her and you said, bitch, you coming with me. And she was like, oh my God, he's so direct.
Anyways, as I've gotten deeper in the relationship, I've started to notice more and more red flags. I'll tell you this right now.
If you start noticing more and more red flags three months in, I already have my finger on the fucking eject button. Personally, this far into your email.
Okay. Four.
For example, she gets mad and starts crying if I want to go to the gym by myself and not bring her up fuck this uh over over over over fucking over or if i don't reply to her text within five minutes she calls me and asks me why i haven't answered she's even already said I love you to me and I actually said it back

when we were having sex accidentally said I love you only a guy can say that and now she says it

back to me all the time and I haven't and I have to say it back because I don't want to break her

heart and tell her that I don't feel the same way well you already have you already have all right

just give her a three-month broken heart get out dude get out I've even tried to break up with her

Thank you. way well you already have you already have all right just give her a three-month broken heart get out dude get out i've even tried to break up with her like a week ago get out get out and she started to have a breakdown saying how much she needed me and how she can't live with that get out get out get out of here so i told her that we could just stay together because I felt bad, all right, dude, you've basically already broken up with her, she goes, she also just randomly flat out said that she can see us together forever, I don't know why I'm noticing all these things now, but I'm only 19 years of age, well, there you go, dude, to be honest, I i still sorry the fuck is going on with my throat here i screamed too much yesterday and to be honest i still want to live the bachelor lifestyle and not be in a relation dude you know all the answers to your question try all the different fish in the sea sorry if i sound douchey but i just really need help here but i don't know what to do And come back to, I'm not even going to say the name of the state.
This chick's such a psycho. Yeah, dude.
This is what I would do. And I'm taking this from Al Madrigal.
The great Al Madrigal. Who no one knows how to end shit like him.
If you listen to any of our live ATC podcast, he worked in his family business. And at your age, 19, he was already, he was the hatchet man.
He fired adults. And he told me one time, the best way to get out of a relationship.
Okay. If, and this is for everybody, dude, if you have a woman in your life and you have to break up with her, they are going to drag you through the shit.
OK, if you want to expedite the deplaning process, if she has anything over your apartment, get it all together. Put it in a box.
Call her. Say we need to talk.
You show up with the box. You hand her the box.
You tell her it's fucking over right you let her cry you fucking leave now if she has keys to your place you don't even need to ask for him back you already have changed the locks if she offers to give you the keys back you take them but you never offer the information that you have changed the fucking locks. It's out.
It's over. It's done.
Dude, rip this band-aid off. That's your fucking Christmas gift.
And anybody out there right now, male or female, if you're in a relationship you don't want to be in, fucking do it. Do it fucking tonight.
Get your box together. Change your fucking locks.
End the shit. Your Christmas gift.
Don't go to another fucking family event. Someone else's family that you don't want to fucking be with.
You owe it to yourself. Get the fuck out of it.
Alright. Messy girlfriend.
Hey Billy-o. I lived with my girlfriend for the past few years and I've tried and failed repeatedly to get get her to tidy up after herself she lives like a borderline slob with piles of her shit everywhere on most available surfaces instead of putting stuff away after herself she'll just leave it out for days most days I'll come back from work and the bed will be piled high with clothes and the dumb contents of handbags, etc.
In the evening, very underrated Zeppelin song, by the way. This will often just get moved to the sofa and then in the morning move back to the bed.
Every cover and drawer is piled full of her shit. I have a couple of small spaces for my belongings.
Everywhere else is of clothes she hasn't worn for months parentheses question mark years dozens of handbags purchase she doesn't purses she doesn't use bits of paper cards she keeps she's keeping for who knows what dozens of beauty products she get the picture i do try to keep things tidy at best i can for my own sanity but it would be nice would be nice not to have to nag her every so often to just tidy up after herself. If I kept pissing on the toilet seat and she kept telling me how annoying it was, I think she would be right in thinking, what the hell is wrong with this dude? Surely tidying up after yourself is about respect for the other person or people you live with i know the whole accept me for who i am bullshit and all and all that but come on i was wondering what your you were you the lovely nia's um nino's thoughts on this are um well i'll tell you this dude uh that's not gonna get any better she like you got a small-time hoarder on your hands here.
Forget about if you get married and have kids. So you got to ask yourself right now, are you going to marry this person? If you're not, pack up your own box and get the fuck out of there.
And I already have an apartment ready to go, by the way. You pack up your box.
You bring the shit over to the fucking apartment while she's at work then you call her you say listen we need to talk and then you get the fuck out of there you say i'm going for a drive you drive over to your new apartment and then you call her up from a pay phone and you say by the way when i said i was going for a drive what i really should have said was I just moved out. Good luck to you.
And, you know, let's let's try and win in Chicago. You hang up.
You go to Robert Kennedy there. Right.
It's fucking over. I can tell you right now, dude, I couldn't tolerate that.
I couldn't tolerate living with a fucking slob. There's no I fucking hated that when I lived when I guy roommates i was i never understood that like how guys thought it was funny to have like fucking pizza boxes and all this like living like a fucking animal it's like guys we live here it's fucking gross um so you have to decide if you love this person enough to accept this part of them or you have to or maybe an ultimatum.
Like, there's no fucking way I'm living my life like this. This is completely unacceptable.
You have way too much shit. You need to throw out at least 70% of your shit, okay? And if she gives you a rough time and just say, listen, either that shit is going out the door or I am.
Are you saying that you're choosing that over me? Yes. Yes, because I'm telling you right now, I am not going to be happy.
Are you telling me that you love your fucking bags more than you love me? Just turn that stupid psychology shit right back on him.

Get it the fuck out of here.

It gets the fuck out or I get the fuck out.

And then you put on some Christmas music.

Have a holly jolly Christmas, right?

All right, here we go.

Next one, three stooges.

Hello, Mr. Burr.

I was wondering who's your favorite stooge?

I know most people are curly fans, but I've always been a Shemp fan. Any who have a good day.
Shemp is unbelievably underrated. The fact that he had to follow Curly and Curly was in bad health slash, I think, might have died during his tenure.
I love Shemp. But Curly, yeah, Curly is the best.
But Larry, Larry's under fucking rated too. Larry's fucking hilarious.
And Moe is the bully. I could never get into Moe because I had an older brother.
And I was just like, yeah, that fucking asshole. I used to love it every once in a while when Moe would lose one of those little slap battles.
But I loved all of them. And people always say, you know, you're either a Stooges fan, or you like the Marx Brothers, I fucking hated the Marx Brothers, I thought they were boring as shit, I bet if I got, now that I'm older, maybe I'd enjoy it more, but I don't know, I just thought it was clever shit, where Three Stooges was just fucking, it was hilarious.
They were just beating the fuck out of each other.

I don't know.

As clever as the joke is,

is there anything funnier than seeing somebody walking into a fucking window

or falling down a flight of stairs?

There's nothing funnier than watching somebody hurt themselves.

I don't know.

Maybe I'm just not smart enough.

You know what?

I should look at the Marx Brothers before I trash them. I will tell you that one guy could fucking play the harp like nobody, huh? All right.
All right. That is the podcast for this week.
I hope you guys enjoyed it. It's been a brutal week for me.
You know, I'm very happy that we were able to find a new home for my dog.

They've already sent us texts and pictures and she's totally fine. And it's,

you know,

I'm glad that we didn't have to,

you know,

I was,

there was no fucking way any that,

that dog was not going to continue on living.

Uh,

she's had an amazing life.

She's lived like three different books.

And,

um,

me and my wife were happy to be what we do seven and a half years with her and um i love her to death i'm gonna miss her like hell but i had to do it because you know the alternative was gonna be something horrible and i did not want to have to fucking live through that um but i am devastated and um i would appreciate it if you don't send me any fucking insensitive tweets about it because i'm really on the ropes right here all right that's the podcast go fuck yourselves and i'll uh check in on you on thursday hey what's going on it's bill burr for the uh anything better podcast we got a read here for BetMGM. Oh, geez, Billy's reading here.
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Can I just do that and just take like the $1,490 and walk? You must put it back into the pot. Number four, if the bet does lose, your bonus bets will be available once your initial wager is settled.
I love how they give you $1,500. Like back in the day, the Coke dealer would give you a couple of free bumps.
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Don't be stupid. Make sure

you get the broad, the

dude, the they, whoever's

in your life.

You know, maybe you're asexual. Now who's going to

tell you you're betting too much on the friggin'

Panthers? All right, that's it. Have a nice day.

Andrew, where are you?

There you are.

I was getting scared.

I was so scared. Here we are.
All right. Who did he take? He took the Bengals? I hate that fact.
So, yeah, I'm going to drop in Paul right now with a video of his picks. I'm going to take the Cincinnati Bengals minus five.
All right. I think they're going to make a last-minute run here.
We'll see what happens. But I'm going to take Cincinnati minus five.
I'm going to take the New Orleans Saints plus seven and a half. I am also going to take the Dolphins plus three.
Oh, man, this week. This week is Paulie Underdogs.
The Dolphins, I'm going to take plus three. Then I am going to take the Buffalo Bills getting two and a half against the best team in the NFL, the Detroit Lions.
I think Buffalo can make this a game or even win it. I'm going to see what Josh Allen and them can do.
So those are my picks. He took the Bengals, the Bills, the Dolphins and who else? The Saints.
Oh when those Saints go marching in. 2, 3, 4, 5 Oh when them Saints go marching in.
I want to be along in that number. All right.
Here we go. You ready? All right.
How you doing? It's all Billy Redface all by himself. All by myself.
Paul Verzi is, I don't know, what happened to him? He got arrested for being Italian in Dallas. He's on his way back from Dallas to get to the motherland, New York City.
You know, it's funny. Somebody said to me, I was having this argument with somebody, and they were going like, because I always make fun of New York just to get them going, you know, and he was going, New York is the cultural epicenter of the world.
And I just bursted out laughing. And then he pulled up like shit on the Internet that actually said that.
And my favorite thing goes, there's over 800 different languages spoken here. English is spoken there.
That's it.

And then maybe you hear 800 accents. Stuff acting like you're getting into a cab and the guy's like, Guten Tag, ja? Yeah.
And I also love most of the people I know in New York are just like Boston. We're fucking meatheads.
And I'm just picturing these meatheads in New York just going, New York is the fucking Paris of Americas. Don't you wish you played for the Knicks? Just go get yourself a bacon, egg, and cheese and try to do basic math in your head, you dumb fuck.
All right. No, New York's a great city, but not because of New Yorkers.
I'm talking about white new yorkers most of the great white new yorkers came from somewhere else and dominated your city because you were too busy buying a yankee fitted in some jordan once all right there you go a little roast little roast action all right um but i do love new york you know i I love New York just the way, you know,

I love those glass towers that no one can afford. It's fantastic.

What a cultural epicenter of the Illuminati. All right.
So I'm doing this by myself last week, everybody.

I got frustrated with trying to figure out what was going to happen.

And I decided that I was going to bet the exact opposite of what I thought was going to happen and guess what Jake guess what Andrew I went three and one I was a half a point from going four and oh four and oh Panthers are playing the Eagles the Eagles are going to blow out the Panthers I'll take the Panthers the Bills are playing Rams. Their coach is combing his hair forward at this point.
He's so stressed out trying to run that team. There's no way to beat the Bills.
They take the Rams. I win that one.
Then I took the Buccaneers because I fucking love Baker Mayfield. You know, they win.
And then I had the Cowboys were playing whoever Monday night. Was it the Bengals? Yeah.
Yeah. It was six and a half they they lost by seven so now here's what you do as a gambler you have one good week and then what do you do you like oh dude i cracked the fucking code here we go i'm gonna bet a bunch of shit that doesn't make sense i'm not falling for that trap i'm gonna go back to my dumb picks of not watching the NFL on any level.
All right. Jake the Snake, can you explain to me why a 12-1 team that has the referees in their back pocket, their front pocket, and their fucking lapel is playing a 3-10 team and they're only four-point favorites?

You know, it has nothing to do with injuries.

I think it just has to do – I think Vegas is just tired of them not covering. I think they haven't covered in, like, two months or something.

So I think they're just –

Why would Vegas be tired of that?

They would only be tired if they were losing money on them.

Actually, that's true.

Good point.

Yeah.

But, yeah, the Chiefs haven't covered a number in a long time.

So that could be the only explanation.

I thought you were gonna argue with me and you're like oh you know it's a good point do you know how bad i wish i could do that i fucking love you jake all right minus four chiefs versus the goddamn browns. You know what? I hate that fucking game.

That just seems obvious.

The Chiefs are going to fucking cover that all day long, right?

That seems very obvious.

Well, guess what I'm going to do, Jake?

Because I'm a maverick.

Because I'm a rebel.

Fucking draw a line on the ground.

You watched me cross it.

Whose act am I doing?

Jason, I'm doing a Fred Stoller's act. I'm going to take the Browns, getting four points.
Because why not, Jake? Why not? Why not? Because does it make sense? Does any of this make sense? Verzi took the Saints. What's the funniest way that game opens? Like, just like a fumble, touchdown recovery fumble? Yeah, none of it makes sense.
I feel like the Chiefs will be covering into the fourth quarter. And then Mahomes, hey, they kicked the ball, whatever the fuck.
Dude, what about last week? I mean, Jesus Christ. The guy took his helmet off in the end zone.
Unsportsmanlike conduct. They put his fucking helmet back on.
What is going on? Do the refs know the games on tv that's that's my question it's getting to be like wrestling Patrick Mahomes must make it at least to the AFC championship game you know what it is you know what it is they they don't have they don't have there's nobody else playing at his level. There just isn't.
He doesn't have the Montana Elway, I'm telling you. And until they do, until they do, they're just going to be getting all the calls.
Josh Allen, sort of. God bless them.
Have you ever been to Kansas City? Looks very cold.

All right.

The Ravens are favored by 16 against the Giants.

The Giants going for a number one draft pick.

They should just roll over and show them their belly, right?

Right. They got fucking Eddie fucking Linguini playing under the fucking center,

whatever they're doing, right? That doesn't make any sense to take the 2-11 team versus a team that's fighting for their playoff lives should I do it Jake? should I do it? Paul would be very proud if I take the Giants I'm not going to get crazy here I like the Panthers no I don, I don't. I don't like any of this shit.
Panthers are favorite in that game. I know.
That's kind of a weird thing. God damn it.
All right, I got to go Baker Mayfield. I got to go with my guy here.
Go in there. Yeah, he's going to age captain comeback a couple of years with all of his shenanigans i think this is the time of year the raiders fall apart they're my they're cleft four at home i'm gonna take the falcons i just feel like the raiders fall apart this is the time their christmas gift every year to the ridiculous loyalty of that raider fan base is to just shit the bed.

Shit the bed.

I'll take the Bears getting seven.

I'll fucking take any game.

You pick a game.

I'll fucking – I'll give you a pick.

How many more do I have?

One.

Well, if you take the Bears, that's your fourth.

Dude, how good is that Bill's Lions game?

Oh, the Bears fourth.

Yeah, sorry.

That was my fourth?

Bill's Lions. And what? Have I picked three or four? I'm in a spin here, people.
How many? I picked four. All right.
Well, there you go. Isn't that easy? Bill's Lions is a great game, though.
That's definitely the game of the week. That's going to be awesome.
All right. Now, what do you think, Jake? Okay.
As far as fuck this game. Okay.
This game is just like all the possessions. This game is just like all the possessions in your apartment.
It's meaningless, Jake. Okay.
We don't care about that, Jake. We care about you and what's going on behind those glasses.
Come playoff time. OK, with the refs just fucking back massaging the fucking Chiefs every week.
Now, I don't think that they're going to take them to the promised land. Although what does what what what does the NFL have for a storyline? Let's look at the storylines.
OK, on the back okay on the front burner the main dish you got the chiefs can they three p and fucking uh you know what's her face is going to be up there and travis kelsey and and take your helmet off in the end zone it's okay right they're the hot chick in the nfl you got the lions they haven't won since 55

not a sexy city not making america a lot of money not moving the needle in music they haven't since eminem was there right before that it was motown i don't need to tell you this Jake, okay? You have a

wall of fucking

wax that would scare

Questlove.

Ted Newsom. I don't need to tell you this, Jake, okay? You have a wall of fucking wax that would scare Questlove.

Ted Nugent.

Ted Nugent, right between Motown.

Ted Nugent, there you go.

Ted Nugent, before he got all political.

What happens to every old person?

They just start talking politics and you have to get out of the room.

All right, then I would say, then you got the Bills.

With their lake effect snow. I'm going to be honest with you.
My generation, we just can't care about them anymore. We watched them go to the Super Bowl four years in a row.
We listened to their sad stories. We listened to them building them up that they were somehow heroes because they didn't study in high school and then got blue collar jobs.
All right. And then they come back years later with ravishing Rick rude fucking pants and jump on tables.
All right. It's a fucking clown show up there.
Yeah. And I feel bad for Josh Allen that he has to try to drive that clown car out of the fucking lake so those are the three stories I feel and then for whatever reason the Ravens even though their record isn't that good I think that they could upset somebody gun to your head Jake okay before you say who you think is going to win the Super Bowl just so you you add credibility, can you please take your glasses off and do one of these? And then tell me.
That's the Walter Cronkite. I don't think this war is winnable.
Who do you think is going to win the Super Bowl? I think it's going to come down to the Chiefs and the Bills. Whoever wins that game, I think they're on a collision

course. I think

one of those two, whoever makes

the Super Bowl is going to win. I don't

believe in Detroit just because they have

Jared Goff. I just don't think

he's like a Super Bowl winning quarterback, even though he's made a Super Bowl.

Really? I believe in Jared Goff.

I just get nervous on their fourth

down calls.

They went for it five times last week against Green Bay, I think it was. So it's great when it works, but, you know, it's really risky.
He went for it on his own 30 on one of them. I know.
And was there ever a bigger statement that the prevent defense doesn't work? He was so terrified of giving them the ball back with 41 fucking seconds left that they were going to get the ball in the 20 or wherever they start now and we're somehow i mean realistically you got to get to the other teams at least 35 that's like a 53 anything beyond that if that's like you know it's hitting a moonshot and he in 43 seconds they're going to do that because they're going to give him 20 yards and that bullshit that they cover the sidelines it just doesn't work so um well it's crazy so you're saying no surprises in the afc the afc uh playoffs you're saying it's everybody thinks it's going to be be Bills, Chiefs. You don't think...
You don't think... Nothing in there.
Nobody... No surprise? You don't think the Ravens...
They have the tools to win that... They have the tools to win that one game.
Like, they have... They've got everybody.
They've gotrick henry they got zay flowers they got lamar

jackson it's a physical team it's a physical team they could do it i think they could but that'd be the team andrew you know what you could do you could put a fucking suit on with what you just said and say that on any one of those sports channels and no one would know that you that you weren't supposed to be there to get a contract yeah one game that was fucking amazing the only that was missing was scores on a ticker tape

underneath you.

The only thing that was missing was scores on a ticker tape underneath you.

The only other story there could be is the Eagles.

They won nine in a row.

What a bunch of garbage.

No, it wasn't.

It was good.

It was good stuff.

It was good.

It was very good.

Look, they froze him in the thing.

They're so nervous about what he was saying. I actually, I'll tell you, I believe in Jared Goff.
I think what people are forgetting is last year, last year Jared Goff was a victim of a call. Like going forward on that fourth down and not getting it change the momentum of that game and all of that stuff and then they all got happy feet i think jared got with with the tools he has and all of that type of stuff my only thing is that this going forward on fourth down shit you know like every drive you're acting like there's two minutes left in the game and you're down by four points.
That, to me, is their Achilles heel. But I 100% believe in Jared Goff, and I think he could be a Super Bowl-winning quarterback.
I don't believe in the Bills. I feel like they had their team a few years ago, and I don't know.
They've just been really fucking erratic this year. So, who knows? What do you think on the NFC side, Jake? It's tough.
I mean, Detroit should make it, but Philadelphia looks really good. It all just depends on how the bracket shapes up because I think there are certain teams that match up better with Detroit.
How i think how can you say philadelphia looks really good they they haven't had a good season they almost lost to the panthers this past week jake where's your head in a row you know they've won nine in a row and say a little bit of two two thousand yards um they're they're gonna be a tough out in the playoffs and i think green bay is a sneaky team as well. Yeah, Green Bay could upset somebody.
I go back and forth with that Nick Siriano guy. Sometimes I'm rooting for him because I see the mental mess he is and I relate to it.
But what I don't like is when he wins. I don't like all that shit talk and he does like, yeah, like I just, that's why I almost don't want him to win because if he does that, like I was so nervous when he, whatever play he called and then he went to the camera and went and fucking nodded like that.
I'm like, Oh my God, are all coaches, all the Bill Belichick's of tomorrow, all the next Nick Serianos and all that, did they see that and they're going to be like, that's what I'm going to do? And the funny thing is, is he's nodding like that, and so much of their shit is just analytics. It's some nerd with a fucking computer told him what to do in that point of the game, then you're gonna knock so it's our we got to the point when i was growing up there was a half dozen guys that that were like sort of flashy guys billy white shoes johnson hollywood henderson butch johnson there was a handful of guys that had end zone celebrations and fucking whatever and And then it became everybody when you went to the end zone.
You know, within 10 years of that, you had the icky shuffle. Everybody had like the Dion doing his little fucking thing.
And everybody had their thing. And then the Jerome Bettis generation, you celebrated a first down.
Right. And then somewhere in there, a field goal kicker celebrated something, jumped up the air and blew out his ACL.
But there was always been a hard line between the players and the coaches, and the coaches never did it. Although Rex Ryan came close until he threw his foot, sat down on the ground and and got a death job, right? Dan Campbell's doing it now.
Well, dude, by the way, did he have a cold last week? He looked like fucking Rudolph with that red nose. He looked like he drank a whole bottle of bourbon.
No, no, I don't think the Lions coach is going to do it. My prediction is if the Eagles ever win it, the amount of sideline nodding and celebrating that Nick Soriano, Siriano, however you say his name, is going to do, within two generations of coaches, they're all going to be doing it.
And then your generations are going to be like, I missed the old NFL where you just quietly called plays. And people only did the moonwalk when they got a three-yard rush.
He's going to dance in the end zone with the team. That's the new coach.
Oh, yeah. He'll get – instead of a sneaker deal, you get like a headset deal.
Yeah. Anyway, yeah, that's where I – that's kind of where i'm not to lie to you guys like i i i missed the nfl last week i didn't watch any of it i just uh i'm slipping away the same way i stopped watching the news i feel like i'm just sort of falling away i don't relate to it anymore the nba the nba an nba game to me like a fucking shoot-around for people to guard you.

It's like they're just running from the three-pointer.

And listen, I'm not being a dick here.

It's the greatest error of shooting I've ever seen.

Some eight-foot goof can hit like a three-pointer like 10 feet behind the line.

It's incredible.

But it's just like they go down the court, three-pointer, down the court, three-pointer, down the court. It's same shot, same shot, same shot, same shot.
Euro step, drop step. I still can't watch the amount of traveling in the NBA.
And I remember I have said that to people. And actually Bartnick had a funny line.
He was just like, he goes, yeah, he goes, but that's like my dad's complaint i'm like i don't know man like that's that if you grew up in the 80s 90s like that's a travel like that's a travel like i just it is no it's good you know what i miss hearing his creativity around the basket and that's when you would go in there there was another set there It was a seven-footer from the other team, maybe a power forward, and your seven-footer. And you had to fucking go in.
When was the last time you saw a double pump? This side of the rim, underneath, reverse layup. In fucking traffic, somebody trying to take your head off.
I missed the physicality of the game. It's because they all take charges now.
They'll take a charge hoping to get an offensive foul, and then the guy going in is on his third step, so he doesn't have I don't know, maybe he's got more inertia. The paint's a whole different game.
They used to work it in and out of the paint, like semi-pro there, when he keeps passing back for it. I don't have it.
But they used to do that. Yeah, pick and roll or something.
Well, I think what really changed the game, though, was the fact that the defensive player can get called for three seconds in his own end. That's like telling the goalie he can only be between the pipes for fucking the post for three seconds.
It's insane. I can't guard my own goal.
All five guys should be able to stand in there with their hands up no no no no no because there was a point in the 80s where that's why they that's why they initially came up with the three second rule for the offensive player because the guys got so big they i remember that sports illustrated did an article saying are they outgrowing the game? And it showed the Celtics' front three, where it was Bird, it was 6'9", McHale was 6'11", and Parrish was seven foot tall, which was like a big deal back then. And so it was getting rid of some of that.
So I'm not saying there weren't problems in the game when i was growing up but um you know that i think they'll fix it if if i hope they do because it's it's i love basketball it's an incredible i love all the sports they're incredible games but i feel like the owners are uh you know they've reached maximum density of with their fan bases and offense sells the game so they're just i don't i't know what they're doing with it. Or you know what? I'm probably just old is what it is.
Anyway. Yeah.
The talent's there, though. The talent is 100% there.
Steph Curry is... I think Steph Curry is the Jordan of this era because he changed the game.
Do you think he's past Magic? You got to game like whenever they say kobe rest his soul or lebron is better than jordan it's like what i always is he didn't change the game the game is still the same but then also when people from my generation say lebron couldn't pay playback and he oh you fucking guy looks like a defensive lineman he'd be playing the game physically and he would be of the mindset of the era right and he would basically be like uh like anthony mason scoring you know 40 points like lebron would have been great on those early knicks team those early 90s knicks teams and he's just playing the game the way it's played today. He definitely would have adjusted because he would have had to.
What's he going to be? Some seven-foot goof working at the gap? He would be like, all right, this is how the game's played. I'm going to play it this way.
It's also the era where players take a little more liberty over, like, the coach's orders, which I feel like probably maybe happened, like, in the 90s. But, like, LeBron lebron literally plays every position like you can watch a different possession and he's playing a different position with you're not always under center but i'm just saying like he right he's taking the ball in every way uh do you guys want to do a quick uh monday night special it's uh raiders falcons all right i'm gonna go i'm gonna bet.
Go against me. What is the spread? Is it four? Is it three? Four.
Four. Falcons are giving four to the Raiders.
We got Kirk Cousins. And is it Carr? No.
No. Carr is.
Mark Egan Jr. It's got to be O'Connell.
Carr is with the Saints, man. Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Sorry. Mitch Trubisky? I think they have Aiden O'Connell or somebody bad.
That's right. All right.
Kirk Cousins scores points. Okay.
He did it in Indianapolis. He did it in Minnesota, right? Is that what this guy's career's been? I'll take Kirk Cousins to throw one.
What if we took one to throw an interception? Because he does turn it over quite a lot. It's Desmond R ritter uh for the uh for the raiders i like the first name i don't like the second name the first name sounds like a touchdown the second name sounds like a sitcom star desmond ritter no relation to to John.
Rest his soul.

Do you ever watch the pilot of Three's Company?

Like Chrissy totally wanted to bang him and they fucking got rid of that storyline

because she was so coming on to him,

he would have fucked her by the third episode.

And then where do you go?

Nowhere to go.

Nowhere to go.

Yeah.

He should have gone after Janet.

That's my opinion.

All right.

All right. Kirk C my opinion.
All right. All right.

Kirk Custis has to throw one.

I can't go wild like with an interception because that's not fair to Verzi.

Verzi wants to win here, but he's not here to tell me the names of the players.

Right.

Who's there?

William Andrews right now, running back.

Yeah, Bijon.

The Falcons have Bijon Robinson.

Do they ever run it in anymore?

What's the over-under?

What's the over-under?

The housewife bet.

44.

Under? Under? Most of the money's on the over i like the under then this has boring game this has boring game written all over i think under is great yeah okay so cousins the under um oh we need a third um what's the odds of streaker makes it out to the 15 yard line if it's in Vegas we can get probably a good money on that dude that's a prop bet we could fix that man Jake if you're willing to do it wear one of those Mexican wrestling masks and have a cape on and just run out there and we'll just bury the streak of that um just a little insider training yeah that's all we're politicians it's an entertainment league vegas it's an entertainment league but was that not are you not entertained yeah that would be entertaining dude if you put your glasses on on the outside of the mask, immediate legend. All right.
What else? Give me something to bet. So we got – you want to do under Kirk Cousins.
Under Kirk Cousins. And then – Well, they have – we could do receivers, maybe their yards or running backs.
Raiders have a good tight end.

Drake London.

Yeah, that's on the Falcons.

Brock Bowers.

I'll let you guys pick one.

Pick one.

Pick something because I have no ideas on this.

What do you guys like for the last thing?

I'd do something with Bajon Robinson.

He's a really good player, but I don't know what the yards are.

It's 80 and a half, so you can go over 80 and a half rushing yards. What's the anytime touchdown? Under.
80's a big number, yeah. 80's a big number.
So that'll be the three. Hey, by the way, I was hanging with this old school guy who used to work in Vegas when the mob was there.
And he told me, you know what they called the half a point? The hook? Yes, I'd never heard that. The hook.
And I can't say what he said, but he said the hook, and you can fill in the blanks. The hook has killed more so-and-sos than so-and-so.
You just go into history and just fill in those blanks. That would be the end of my crits not my saying but i don't even want to repeat it but that was the saying out there cnn is how the show made cnn last week we can uh oh yeah gross was that that those fucking assholes on cnn sat around acting like they actually were confused uh or surprised by the reaction that people don't like ceos and then them sitting there like they were going to get down to the bottom of it it's like these ceos are behaving the way they are because guys like you are not doing your job because you're not journalists on cnn or fox you're not you guys are treasonous people who are sucking the corporate cock and you're fucking looking the other way.
And then when like, you know, an athlete says something or a fucking soap opera star tweets something or some regular guy hoards hand sanitizer in their fucking garage, you act like you act like that's the reason the country's going to shit. But meanwhile, you can still charge 600 bucks for a pill when you're going when you got leukemia go fuck yourselves cnn and fox news fuck all of those pieces of shit it did say promo code burr which is hilarious because it was the it was it was right on cnn it's like benfgm promo code burr and it's just like bounce pass i gotta say one of the funniest things ever to me is that Anderson Cooper has a podcast.
It's like, you don't have enough money. It's like you're on CNN.
You're a Vanderbilt. You get hammered in Times Square every year with what's his face? You got to go into Amazon.com, money out of some feature X pocket.
Jesus, Anderson. And I love the headphones, too.
So you know it's his podcast. The average CNN show gets like, and the numbers that they report is like, I'll say less than, most of the shows less than the average Monday morning podcast.
It's insane. Shots fired.
Anyways, all right. So it was...
Listen, I'm just saying. You know what I mean? What are you going to do next? Are you going to put together 20 minutes and start going on the fucking road? This week we got Anderson Cooper.
Next week we got Anderson Cooper next week we got we got Bill Burr coming here and then I show up too Anderson had to add shows I'm like what the fuck hey Bill can you do some morning radio we had Anderson Cooper here last week he's doing stand doing stand-up? No, he did a live podcast. He sold out this arena twice.
He's selling out so hard. He's just doing bits about his wife, even though he's not married and he's gay.
You know, if he did a live podcast, they would have that little fucking Oriental rug with the chair. And he would have some sort of drink.
And no ties. You know that he's fucking loosening up, right? This is CNN's Anderson Cooper.
This is, this is hanging out Anderson Cooper. Who's still not going to call out these fucking pieces, pieces of shit.
I just, it's, it's, it is depressing and it was fucking great. You watch though.
You watch, they're already starting to say this Luigi kid was an anti-capitalist because what they want to do is they don't want us to identify with him. They don't want red and blue came together.
Working class red and blue came together. Fuck CEOs.
OK, and now what they're going to do is try to divide us again. And this box probably already doing it on Instagram.
I'm telling you, these people should be in jail for treasonason somebody said they already said it's the first it's somebody said it's the first radical centrist shooting that was kind of funny because because both people they were trying to pin him they were like look at all these right-wing people he follows then too like well look at all the left-wing people like the guy the guy was quoting ted bundy like they're not ted bundy uh kaczynski but whatever it doesn't matter like you know yeah they're trying to make him seem like he's mentally insane to make it look like, oh, this is some crazy murderer, but I don't know. He might have been a little off.
Well, I mean, I guess you have to be. Hey, dude, you gotta be a little off to do it, you know, to succeed in life.
You gotta be a little crazy. You gotta have a little delusionment.
You wanna leave a legacy? I mean, he a whole hit list like he was going to get to those other guys well scratch that guy off the list doopie doopie doo like he was going to you know what I love about people is people are complicated and you can't put them down somebody posted like wow he was really well spoken and well thought and then they posted a picture of him with a beer can hitting against his head cracking it and pounding it not even around friends just like in the corner of like a party i'm just like yeah everybody's everybody yeah yeah it's called layers yeah he's an intellect no people who watch my act they think I just walk around

the whole fucking day

it's like no I don't

sometimes I'm just sitting in the corner quietly

wondering what the fuck happened in the last 40 years

alright I have to go I got bullshit I gotta do

alright that's the podcast

God bless all you on both sides

don't let them divide you

don't trust those fucking news channels

alright think for yourselves you dumb cunts

alright

I include myself in that

Thank you. Don't trust those fucking news channels, alright? Think for yourselves, you dumb cunts.

Alright.

I include myself in that.

Alright, I'll see you guys later. ...

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