Monday Morning Podcast 12-9-24

Hey, what's going on? It's Bill Burr and it's time for the Monday Morning Podcast for Monday, December 9th, 2024. What's going on? How are ya? How's it going, man? How was your weekend, man? I actually had a great weekend.
I really did. Look at me sounding surprised.
I

actually, you know, I had a weekend and I enjoyed it. God damn it.
I didn't do much of anything. I

took a drum lesson. Finally, I haven't taken a drum lesson in forever.
I've sort of been revisiting

some Alex Van Halen stuff that always confused me. And I'm still confused because he's a beast.
But all of a sudden, you know, a lot more of it makes sense as far as I can understand it or whatever. So I played my drums there.
And I'm trying to have like Billy Chill days, which I don't know how to do. You know, I just fucking try to just sit down and do nothing during the course of a day.
And what happens is then my demons catch up with me. So, you know, if you have somebody in your life and they just cannot fucking sit still and they're always moving around you know what they used to call people

like that oh he's always fidgety he's always fussing about blah blah it's like no he had he or she had a lot of fucked up shit that happened to him when they were a kid like if if there's somebody that you live with and they move about the house like a moth or a bat yeah that means something i look well i don't have any background in psychology all right um obviously but like i'm gonna go out on a limb and say that some fucking shit happened to them and they're trying to avoid it in other words what i do must be what everybody else does that's a classic human point of view you know like these idiots you know i just meet on the road who just like wherever they're from like that's their worldview which is understandable but there's no other worldview under other than their worldview um that was a big thing when i was growing up too you know when I grew up outside of Boston, I was like, this is how the world is. And anything that goes against that is either stupid, wrong, or gay.
Which has got to be the dumbest way you could ever go through life and i did that uh for the first like i can't see well the first 10 years of your life all you do all you're doing the first 10 years of your life you're like gathering information from people who think anything different is stupid whatever the fuck i just said stupid dumb or gay or whatever that fuck that they put all of that shit into your head and then in your teen years you start to apply it and then in your 20s um you begin your journey as a fucked up adult and hopefully you start to turn the ship around in your 30s um if you know if you're if you're you know open to it if you're open to it i don't know if you're open to new information and maybe the way you look at the world isn't the way it should be you know what's annoying me about this this kid who killed this ceo is none of these news programs are talking about the incredible lack of empathy from the general public about this because of how these insurance companies treat people when they are at their most vulnerable. After we've all given them our money every fucking month and now we finally need you and all you do is deny us.
And then these pussies and all of these things are taking the pictures of their ceos off their websites you know i gotta be honest with you okay i love that the that fucking ceos are fucking afraid right now you should be by and large you're all a bunch of selfish greedy fucking pieces of shit and a lot of you are mass murderers you just don't pull the trigger that's why it looks clean that's why these people look oh my god oh he was just you know walking into a hotel it's like okay well what was his job what did he do what was the results of it did i tell you like out here in 2026 like they're gonna not have a sell-by date on food anymore and they're trying to make it like they're trying to save regular people money. It's like, no, they're going to let grocery stores sell food past the fucking sell-by date because they weren't legally allowed to sell it.
And then, I don't know, they probably have to eat that. They have to eat, you know, no pun intended.
They have to eat the cost of that. So now they're going to pass it on to us.
Okay, and that thing went through with Democrats and Republicans once again selling us all out. They don't give a fuck.
I saw this thing on the Internet that was allegedly, it was Al Capone that came up with the the sell by date. I refuse to believe that that's true.
I feel like that lives in the world of Fred Rogers. You remember Mr.
Rogers? And then all of a sudden there was this rumor that he had sleeve tattoos and he was in Vietnam and he fucking killed a bunch of people. That rumor got out there.
Maybe this one's true. I have no idea.
idea all right but you know i will tell you that this country was way better when the italians ran it meaning the mob it was much better because they were because what they were doing was illegal so they were just through the fact that it was illegal they were sort of um um i can never remember the what's what's the proper terminology in business not governed they were uh regulated just by the simple fact that what they were doing wasn't legal and then the problem was they got rid of the mob and then all the corporations took all of the mob scams both the government and these corporations they're running the same scams running the same scams you know the fucking i've talked about this before like the they used to have the month then they used to run the numbers which they stole from black people that became the lottery um loan sharking ridiculous interest rates is what banks are doing um and i always love people oh well you know uh you know what's the difference between a bank and a loan shark what's the difference and they're like well a bank doesn't have to break your legs yeah because they have the law on on their side make no mistake if they didn't they'd be breaking your fucking legs they don't a fuck. And then all of these corporations profiting off a fucking war.
They're they are murderers. The people that fucking poisoned our food supply and giving people cancer.
Those are they're fucking murderers. They're just not standing there with a gun, you know, shoot you in the back when you go into the grocery store.
So it doesn't look that. It's fucking unreal.
And I tell you, it's really annoying how hard they're trying to find this kid that shot that guy. OK, how much they're trying to solve that fucking crime, where if it was just some regular fucking jerk off walking in there, are they trying that hard? I know they're trying to solve it it i'm not shitting on the cops here but i'm saying that the the political pressure would not be there um i don't know i guess one fucking health care person you know company like they didn't cover they only covered anesthesia for a certain amount of time do you realize how fucking evil that is? They sit in meetings and have that.
And now they're like, no, no, we'll cover it for the whole... Oh, you're going to cover the whole operation? Is that what it is? I don't have to wake up halfway through a fucking appendix removal? Appomy um anyway so i feel like if the motive is what they're saying it was inevitable there's only so long that you can go around doing that and treating people that way in the evil way that they treat people before somebody's going to retaliate and get the right person or the wrong person, because I don't know anything about that guy.
I'm just saying. And it's amazing that that story, it isn't amazing.
It's expected that it's not going into mainstream media. They're just treating it like, oh, my God, it was a cold-blooded murder.
And that's fucking it. And they're ignoring the general public's reaction to it.
That's what I think is going on, even though I don't watch the news at all. You know, why don't you watch the news bill? I guess because I was disappointed so many times by it.
I'm making a joke, but it's the truth. Um, all right.
Guess what I did this week on the anything better podcast. I was just like, you know what? I'm just going to bet dumb shit because i don't recognize the game anymore if i watch one more fucking game where some team is up by 25 points and then all of a sudden it's time with a fucking game i mean how many times it's it happens like every fucking weekend every fucking weekend that happens i don't know if they changed the fucking rule.
I don't know if it's because there's so much other shit to watch out there that they just have to make. This is the most incredible fucking game since the one o'clock game.
Oh my God, is the Sunday game going to be even crazier? I just, it's not how football was. Games were over in the third fucking quarter.
They were done and they were done and that was it. It wasn't like a fucking Rocky fight every fucking weekend.
So anyway, I was just like, you know what? I'm just going to bet all dumb shit. I'm going to bet everything that doesn't fucking make sense.
And guess what? Out of the four games, I bet the Monday night game, I'm 3-0. Fucking 3-0.
I bet the Panthers, I didn't remember who they were playing. They're supposed to get the shit kicked out of them.
I'm like, yeah, you know't happen right that won't fucking happen they played the eagles i had the panthers getting like fucking 12 and a half or something like yeah that's not gonna happen some reason the panthers will probably even win this fucking game and they came damn close to doing it but the guy dropped the ball i didn't watch a second of it i don't watch nfl anymore i i don't okay it's just like it's kind of like music. Music has passed me by.
You know, I don't watch NFL anymore. I don't.
Okay. It's just like, it's kind of like music.

Music has passed me by. You know, I don't understand.
I don't understand. I, I, I, I,

there's so many people out there with beautiful voices. Why am I listening to it? Like I'm getting

serenaded by a robot. I hate that auto-tune sound.
It just, it fucking drives me insane. And then just knowing that it's probably somebody who can't even fucking sing.
And then they're singing into this auto-tune thing as if they can sing, like going on these runs or whatever. So I don't fuck with that.
Now, I took the Panthers and then I took the Rams because they're playing the Bills and the Bills should kick the shit out of them, right? Three and a half points spread. Why is it so fucking low? Why? Because the Rams end up winning the fucking game.
And then I took the Buccaneers. I don't remember who they were playing, but I just believe in Baker Mayfield.
And, you know, Colin Cowherd went after him, and then he went on his show, and he was still just sitting there, completely unathletic, not getting picked in gym class, telling this pro athlete that he's a complete waste of a pick, fucking with his money, or, you know. And then he's done all these great things that I've yet to see that guy

be like all right I was wrong about this guy this guy's a fucking winner um I was like fuck it I'm

gonna bet on Baker Mayfield and they won and they covered so tonight I don't even know who's playing

but it's the Dallas Cowboys that has my third cousin under center. They're not a redhead coach, and they have a redheaded quarterback now.
Have you noticed that? They're sort of ginger friendly. I feel like they're allies over there.
I don't even know if he's a redhead. Anyway, so I'm taking them.
I forget who they're playing, but they're playing some team that's,

you know, should kick the shit out of them. Um, so that's my new, that's my new way of going.
Oh,

by the way, I shouldn't say that people can't play anymore. That is bullshit.
It's just sort

of like, um, what is happening in all facets of art is the people that are rising to the top are not the most talented people. It's the people that are best at the internet.
Because I'll tell you, I'll tell you this. Old man Billy, through my wife, my wife likes watching those tiny desks on YouTube, the NPR channel.
Hang on a second.

Tiny Desk, sort of like the,

I would say the liberal Austin City Limits,

you know, where like Austin City Limits,

I just assumed it was a conservative show

because it was in Texas.

I've never bought this shit that Austin is liberal.

I think they're liberal for Texas. I've never bought this shit that Austin is liberal.
I think they're liberal for Texas. So anyway, I'm probably going to mess up all of these names.
So Nia goes, can we watch this tiny desk thing? And I was like, absolutely. Because, you know, the bands always play live and they, I've just watched enough of these and they have killer fucking bands so there was this artist who came on dochi i think is how you say the name and she comes on um with one of the best bands i've seen in fucking years like everybody was destroying it and she the she was like just this supernova of talent.
Like one of these people that makes me question, like, how am I also in show business? You know, I'm sort of a one trick pony, right? I tell jokes. I act like an asshole.
I don't apologize. And then I leave, you know, that's kind of, that's, that's, that's the, that's, that's the hallway of talent that I have.
She goes out absolutely destroyed and then had a band that was playing at the level that she was performing at. And I've been trying to get the names of the people in the band because everyone was killing.
All I got so far is the bass player because I hate how bands like nobody knows the players anymore and I've gone to these these fucking concerts with my wife and it's like the star is out on the stage like I went to go see Lady Gaga one time which by the way that was the last concert my wife has ever gone with me because i i you know she didn't like my behavior at it let's do what happened was some of you who listen to this podcast remember this story i was watching the patriots during the day and they lost a playoff game they got smoked by the Ravens. So I was like a six-pack in and a couple of whiskeys.
It's back when old Billy Boo's face,

right? And then I was going to go see Lady Gaga. And I went down there, you know, she's great.
She can sing great. Hold on.
I'm not fucking shitting on her or anything, but like I go there and like the, she has a live band, but they were like in like this castle behind her. And like, they basically put a fucking house in front of the band it was a castle this facade and there was like these little windows so i could see sort of the drummer's head and he was killing it and i couldn't watch him fucking play then she's out there riding on a horse and all of this shit and she's going like i don't give a fuck you give it i don't give a fact she kept saying that right and then she goes to her backup dancer like fucking so-and-so don't give a fuck.
You give a, I don't give a fuck. She kept saying that, right? And then she goes to her backup dancer like, fucking so-and-so, do you give a fuck? He's like, I don't give a fuck.
And they just kept doing that. I understand.
What do you mean you don't give a fuck? I paid for a fucking ticket. You better give a fuck.
Give me a goddamn show. Everybody but the horse was telling me that they didn't give a fuck on stage.
And then I just couldn't take it anymore. And right as it was just bad time and right as the crowd wasn't screaming and it got quiet, I went, Jesus fucking Christ.
So anyway, the rest of the concert happens and then we go home the next morning. I can feel my wife.
She's the cold shoulder there and i knew she heard what i said so i said i'm sorry and she goes yeah all right whatever and i was like come on yeah i i i said i said it once she goes you said it like six times i didn't remember because i was drunk so anyway but that's been my thing like i went see Madonna and she, you know, she's singing to tracks. She doesn't even have a fucking band there.
You know, I go, I just, where is the fucking band? So anyway, now there is a band. So I'm trying to track down the names because these players like the trumpet player, the bass player, the drummer, everybody, the saxophone player, the backup singers, her hype woman, whatever the hell you're supposed to call them.

The only name I tracked down was the bass player who was un-fucking-believable.

I'm not going to say the name right.

Zuri.

Oh, here we go.

A-P-P-L-Y-B-Y. All right.
Look that name up. Zuri.
Z-U-R-I-N-G-O-R-I-N-G-O-R-I-N-G-O-R-I-N-G-O-R-I-N-G-O-R-I-N-G-O-R-I-N-G-O-R-I-N-G-O-R-I-N-G-O-R-I-N-G-O-R-I-N-G-O-R-I-N-G-O-R-I-N-G-O-R-I-N-G-O-R-I-N-G-O-R-I-N-G-O-R-I-N-G-O-R-I-N-G-O-R-I-N-G-O-R-I-N-G-O-R-I-N-G-O-R-I-N-G-O-R-I-N-G-O-R-I-N-G-O-R-I-N-G-O-R-I-N-G-O-R-I-N-G-O-R-I-N-G-O-R-I-N-G-O-R-I-N-G-O-R-I-N-G-O-R-I-N-G-O-R-I-N-G-O-R-I-N-G-O-R-I-N-G-O-R-I-N-G-O-R-I-N-G-O-R-I-N-G-O-R-I-N-G-O-R-I-N-G-O-R-I-N-G-O-R-I-N-G-O-R-I-N-G. A-P-P-L-Y-B-Y.
All right. Look that name up.
Zuri. Z-U-R-I.
And I'm not going to disrespect her by attempting to say her name. This, because I don't, because she played so amazing.
It's like apply by B-Y. A-P-P-L-Y-B-Y.
it's only 25 minutes long

you know there's so much

shit out there. If you just want to see a bunch of artists performing at the highest level, I highly, I highly recommend that.
and like I said this isn't me like I my wife told me about it alright

and I was just sitting there and I was like alright I'll watch

this and I was just sitting there and I was like all right I'll watch this and I was immediately within two seconds I was like oh my god this is this is a whole other level and that's where it started and it just it just kept going up and it was probably the fastest 25 minutes I can remember in a long time so I'm hoping uh that this woman is on tour and she's bringing that band. That's what I'm hoping.
I'm hoping that that's what's happening because I don't want to go to any more shows where I'm watching somebody and there's no fucking band, you know, or they're in a house for whatever fucking reason.

I love that.

Oh yeah, I'm thinking like this castle theme.

It's like a castle theme.

No, it isn't.

It's you're putting a fucking wall between the band and yourself.

I know a guy did a big tour for this artist

and they played underneath the stage.

All eyes must be on me all the time um anyway anyway check that fucking one out it's the tiny desk and check out that whole series the tiny desk series man, it's amazing. And what's funny is my stupid generation is,

is always talking about how nobody can play instruments anymore. And the reality is, is this a million, not a million, there's a whole bunch of people in this generation that are unbelievable players.
You just have to find them, which is hard because like I said, there's like, you know, there's being good at what you do. And then there's being good at the internet.
And, um, you know, the problem I think female artists have right now is there's so many who was walking around in their fucking underwear on Instagram, like getting a zillion clicks. Like, how do you, how do you push, how do you get your shit, you know, in front of that? I don't know.
All I know is I just picked three fucking games this week because I was so sick of trying to like predict what I thought was going to happen. I finally realized that whatever I thought was going to happen wasn't going to happen.
And I am now into this total conspiracy theory that they have manipulated the game with the rules, the officiating and got in bed with gambling now that like most games now are going to come down to the wire on purpose, not because it's better for the game. It's because it's better for their wallets because you're going to watch until the end.
You're not going to change the channel and they're going to get money for all the advertising. All right.
Um, all right. So anyway, I, I had a great weekend here with the kiddos.
I hung with my son, like Saturday I hang with my son. And then on Sunday I hang with my daughter.
That's how I do the weekends, right?

Whatever, the daddy-daughter day.

And then I hang with my son the previous day.

So he just wakes up and told me that he wanted to go to the drum store.

Because I was asking him, hey, you want to go out into the garage and go play drums?

He goes, I want to go to the drum store.

I said, all right, let's go. So I took him over to the best drum store in LA professional drum shop on vine just south of Willoughby oh Willoughby and I go in there and uh my son he always has to play like all the drum kits that are on the floor.
And what I absolutely love about my son, and I am like so proud of him, is he is not shy at all. Like little Billy Burr would have been like, you know, playing like quietly and all that stuff.
He doesn't give a shit. He goes in and just plays.
And, and the only problem I have in that store is that once I get him in the store, I can't get him to leave. And then it becomes like a sad thing because he's leaving.
Right. And, uh, You know, what's funny is, you know, Jerry and Stan, the brothers that own it, they're starting to get to know him.
And I just love that. And I just go, you know, one of these days he's going to be coming in there buying drumsticks or a cymbal or something like that.
And they're going to be going, I remember when you were this high, you know, and they've been doing that forever. And that, if you've, if you ever come out to LA and you play drums, you have to go to that store.
And you have to understand that everyone from Max Roach, John Bonham, Tony Williams, oh God, Steve Jordan, Vinnie Kaliuta, all the guys, Steve Gadd, all of these guys, since way back when they first came around, have been going to that shop. And some of the bass drum heads that they have hanging up, it's unbelievable.
It's like a working museum, and it's also at the same time totally up to date. And it's everything that Guitar Center isn't.
Like, it's personable. If your gear's messed up, they can repair it in the back.
They have all these relationships with all these drum companies and everything. It's why I prefer to go to privately owned businesses because the service is just always better.
Always better. And, you know, that's a way to get back at these CEOs.
You don't have to shoot them in the back as they go into a hotel to get a Grand Slam breakfast. You can just start going to mom and pop places and deal with a little more, you know, inconvenience.
You know, I know you like going into the big box stores, but you know, whatever, why don't you try to do both? Start with that and just compare your experiences as you just sit there, you know, like a fucking orphan in a Best Buy walking around trying to find somebody to help you, you know, or you walk into a mom and pop, hey, how are you? Can they're like right there for you so anyway so he's in the drum shop and i'm trying to get him out you know we're in there 40 45 minutes and i'm like all right buddy you know he's like no i want to play you know and then he has to go over to the high hats and hit all the high hats and it's so hard for me to get him out of he has this has this ear to ear grin the entire time he's in there. He just thinks it's the greatest place on earth.
But you know, eventually, you know, it comes, it's like, I got to get him home. I got to get him out of there for nap time.
Or I'm just old and I'm tired of standing up, you know? So I had to bribe him to get him out of there he was like dad i want to play

and i finally just look at him i go hey buddy i go hey buddy i go you want to get a donut and then he looks immediately right over me he goes a donut i almost bursted out laughing and i go like yeah, yeah. You want to get a donut? And he just goes, yeah.
Like super enthusiastic. You know, like the same energy as Will Ferrell in Elf.
Like, Santa! You know, he like immediately like jumped off the stool. And then I just love him.
He just to everybody he shakes hands with everybody he's a little fucking man right and yeah and then we got in the car we went to go get a donut so uh drums and donuts that's what works with my with my son right and then yesterday with my daughter uh I've discovered this new activity because I I always, you know, take her to the playground and stuff. She likes that ninja climbing stuff and all of that.
And she's really good at it. But she also likes going to the mall.
And I was thinking, oh, God, I'm going to buy more shit we don't need. She's totally content to just look at stuff and not buy anything and then go get something get something to eat, you know? So, uh, that's what we ended up doing.
And like, like sweat, it felt like nine times she said to me going like, dad, this is really fun. This is really fun.
Of course she likes the fucking Apple store, which kills me, but you know, they just grow up with these goddamn computers and they just, they just, they relate to them. Um, so I was like, all right, you know.
She went to the Apple store twice. I don't know.
Those fucking people, geniuses. So dumb.
My cell phone's all fucking cracked. So I was asking, how long does it take you to change out a screen?

And they go, well, what phone do you have?

It's just like, dude, just generally speaking,

before you go to the fucking iPad

and try to find my retina or whatever the hell you have on that fucking thing.

He goes, about two hours.

I go, great.

I don't have that time today, but that's good to know.

Thank you.

And then I get the fuck out of there.

So anyway, I had like two great days with that. I discovered all these great new musicians, um, on that, that Dochi, uh, tiny desk.
Um, you know, it's been a while since I've just, I've seen a band playing at that fucking level. I'm just saying, I'm just saying.
So I'm really hoping that I can see that band live. That would be incredible.
But if I can't, that's all right. I can follow each musician and see when they're, when they're playing.
So I can at least go see the individual bands.

All right.

Now, where am I here?

Oh, my God, 29 minutes in.

Oh, Billy Babelface here.

Oh, so the Van Halen song I'm working on is that song, I'm the One,

which was my favorite cut on that album

because they played everything else to death. They running with the devil eruption.
You really got me. And whatever that next song was, they always played that one.
And I always think like, I like, I'm the one, like, I think Eddie's playing on that is just fucking crazy. And then Alex, that double bass, uh, triplet shuffle.
Um. And then he got the Diamond Dave lounge lidship breakdown for no fucking reason.
I just felt like that song out of everything encapsulated sort of like the recipe of that band and Michael Anthony's amazing bass playing and and high harmonies on it. So anyway, I've been working on that and I was leading with my left foot because it made sense to me to come down with the right foot.
And then I went to my drum teacher, Dave Elitch, and he goes, you know what, for whatever fucking reason, it's easy for people to lead with the right and play the downbeat with the left. And we were trying to figure out why that is.
And it's like, oh, that's because, you know, a lot of times you're tapping the downbeat with your left foot on the hi-hat. Now it's just on the bass drum.
And it's not weird to play an offbeat with your right foot, but it's way more weird to play the offbeat, the upbeat upbeat the offbeat or whatever with your left foot

um because you don't do that a lot with the hi-hat but with the bass drum you know that's all you know you do that all the fucking time while you're tapping one two three four one and two and three and four with your your left foot so that was kind of cool um but like uh i don't kind of getting it up to speed and it's exciting because i never thought i'd be able to even attempt that song and then secondly by learning that song i don't have to deal with my fucking demons so it's all working for me all right with that let's uh let's do some of the reads here for the week oh look who it is everybody it's simply safe you know if you ever if you ever worry about the safety of your home and family there's no better time to act hey some ceos ought to get this shit uh right now simply safe is extending its massive black friday deal for my listeners get 50 off a new SimpliSafe security system. SimpliSafe is the home security I trust.
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All right. And with that, and we're back, let's do.
Oh, we got a controversy here. We got we got some reads here.
So anyway, somebody, you know, somehow I brought up John Cougar or John Mellencamp or John Cougar Mellencamp. I mean, tell me that guy shouldn't be investigated going by all those aliases.
You know, I think what it was is he was John Mellencamp. And then the label said, you should go by John Cougar.
They were big on fucking last names that were animals. You know, Eddie Horowitz became Eddie Rabbit.
He wasn't Horowitz. I don't know what his last name was, but Eddie, it was Eddie Rabbit.
It was John Cougar, you know, Freddie Pheasant. I don't know.
There must be another one. You always have to have three though, for people to believe.
As long as you have three, you know, if you have three, if you have three examples, people believe you. Two, they're like, this guy's full of shit.
Four, they're're like shut the fuck up already but three three is a magic number yes it is when you bullshit people i'll give you the father the son and the holy spirit we believe about god people like fucking parrots just just just repeating the shit on the third day he rose again right he said on the on the second day, get the fuck out of here. He didn't come back in two days on the fourth day.
What the fuck was he waiting for? The third day. Oh, my God.
I believe I can fly. So anyway.
I was talking about that. That John Cougar, John Mellencamp, John Cougar, Mellencamp song, Jack and Diane.
And he goes, sucking on chili dog outside the shady tree. Take out my fucking dick.
And then I start to pee, whatever the fuck he says, right? Jack is going to be, oh, football does he, you got to sing the whole song. It's a hit.
Even if you don't know the lyrics. So anyways, I was saying sucking on chili dog.
I always thought that was a fucking disgusting reference for, you know, him getting blown out there in the fields of Indiana. You know, one night in the field, there's corn there.
The next night, there's a cross burning. And the next night, John Cougar Mellencamp fucking pheasant face is getting his dick sucked like I that's what I thought it meant so somebody goes no chili dog was a uh it's like a slush puppy but that's what there was a there was a chain of restaurants called chili dog and uh I guess that was what the drink was called that's what what somebody claimed last week.
But this week, somebody's saying no. No! That is not what happened.
Sucking on chili dog dash correction. Bill, last week that guy was wrong about this.
It's about chili dogs at Tasty Freeze. Diane sits on Jack's lap eating a dog.
Here's the video where she's eating it on John's lap. All right.
I mean, I don't know. The whole, can we just say that it's a fucking really weird lyric? You know, you eat a chili dog.
You don't suck on it. Right.
And to use that as sort of a sexual innuendo, which I know he had to have been. When chili looks like shit.
I mean, he's got to have some German blood in him. No.
Is it a song about scat? I don't know. But I can tell you right now, it's Monday.
I have a bunch bunch of shit to do and the last thing i need to do is fucking spend my time trying to figure out what uh what what that lyric means i have no idea all right you know what it's art it means it means whatever you wanted to mean do you know what i mean i'm just looking for a reaction all right the price of a haircut in boston men versus women all right well i can tell you right now there's a lot of things i don't know how much they cost and a haircut is one of them oh my god i have not had to pay for a haircut whoo i'm going on like a decade It's like I bought an electric car and I have no idea how much gas costs. You know what's funny? Those fucking electric cars.
I was so into those things. Yeah, fuck these oil companies.
It's all the same shit. You're just going into a new kind of evil.
A new kind of waste. A new shit that's bad for the environment.
And now people are saying, like, drive around electric cars like you're riding around on a fucking cell phone.

And, you know, your cell phone you keep in your pocket.

They're starting to do studies that can cause cancer of the bulls there.

You're sitting on that giant fucking battery.

I don't know.

I'm telling you.

Oh, Billy's having a sale on his vehicles.

Everything must go.

And I'm going to drive a fucking analog car, gas combustion engine, five speed. Okay, I'm starting off maybe looking at a BMW, but I'm not going to buy a car until I know like, until I don't know, it really gets me excited.
I haven't found one yet, but I'm going to start with an older German car because I still remember I rented a BMW 3 Series in the 2000s, and it was one of the most fun cars I ever drove. I loved the size of it.
And it was, it was just an automatic and it was so much fucking fun. And it was tight as a drum.
This is before they started like, you know, trying to, trying to lease their cars out to college age kids and they weren't making them right. Like there's a period in the, uh, I think it was last decade where they weren't making them right there.
I guess they're making them right again, but they got a little American car in the 80s type of deal, which was really bad for the brand. Speaking of which, what about Jaguar with their new logo? Talk about in what fucking world are we bringing all of that shit into buying a car? And like, you're a corporation.
You give a, you, you, you, your, your ally is money. All right.
So I don't give, give a fuck what your bullshit. All the leaves are brown and our sign is pink.
You don't give a fuck. All right.
You give a fuck about fucking British racing green cash. Um, fuck out of here.
Trying to be fucking socially active with a new car label. All I hear is your cars aren't selling well so now you got to like

brand yourself um anyway where the fuck are where the hell are all the goddamn this always happens to me i touch my phone and it goes back to the top i touch my phone when i think about you all right the price of a haircut in boston men versus women. Dear Billy Balderdash.
I've heard that word before, Balderdash. Is that an insult? Is it a character in a classic tale? I don't know.
All right. I, a man, recently instigated a fight against nine women about the cost of haircuts.
Oh, really? I like this guy. That's great instinct.
My wife, he says, had a bunch of female friends over and they were all talking about how expensive it is to get a haircut. We're all drinking wine.
I'm being quiet. We live in Boston, USA, where things are very expensive.
I sat there listening to them complaining about how much it costs to get a haircut. My wife said she paid $450 for her last haircut.
My wife's hair is about halfway down her back and it's blonde and beautiful. Her friends all agreed on the price and they have a variety of hair.
Black women with different styles, white women with short hair, native women with long black hair down to their butt. While they all bemoan the cost of hair, I was doing mental math.
I'm a regular white male with boring brown hair. Don't say that about yourself.
You're a special white guy and your brown hair isn't boring. It's all how you wear it, honey.
I get a haircut about every four weeks. A haircut in Boston, including a tip, costs anywhere between $40 and $65.
So the average price is $52.50. But let's round that down to $50.
Sir, what you're doing right now is you're presenting a rational argument.

Now, this is going to make sense to all the men out there. This is not going to make sense to them.
And a lot of times, both men and women, when they're complaining, they just want to get it out. Okay? And everybody feels that whatever is happening to them, generally speaking, is the worst fucking thing happening and the most important thing right now.
But what are you going to do? You're sitting there, six against one, and you're going to come at them with logic. Gee, you've gotten to an argument with them? Anyways, 50 bucks, 52 weeks a year, times a haircut every four weeks equals 13 haircuts a year.
$50 per cut times 13 is 650 bucks. I'm a hairy Irish potato guy.
So toss in a few times where I need to pay $10 to get my neck cleaned up for a wedding or an event. And even as a conservative estimate, I'm spending close to $700 a year on haircuts as a basic man.
Okay. So rather than just keeping that information to yourself and then calling one of your guy friends and laughing about it, which is what an older guy does, if they're mature, because I'll be honest with you, I would do the same fucking thing.
But there's a 20% chance now that I wouldn't, where before it was 100%, I was all in. Boots on the ground, as they say in military.
The military. I finally spoke up and made this point to all the women, and they all berated me.
Oh, what a surprise. They said, there's no way I spend that much.
I presented my math and explained it. Then they switched their argument.
Oh yeah, there you go. From you don't spend that much to we would get haircuts more frequently if they were affordable.
I said, maybe if you went in and just got the ends cut a few times a year, you wouldn't have to spend $450 to get a full cut color, champagne, and all of that bullshit. They hated that.
I sat back knowing that $700 is more than $450 while they all hollered about how expensive women's hair came. Oh, dude, I love what you did.
You fucking threw a rock at the hornet's nest and then just sat back in your beekeeper outfit and watched

them all buzz around the room. That's entertainment where I come from.
So I sat back knowing that $700 is more than $450 while they all hollered about how expensive women's hair care is and acted like men don't spend a dime on haircuts. Well, I would also say this.
My wife doesn't just get her hair done once a year. She's going in there quite frequently.
So I have no idea. I have I would I have no idea what she spends, but I know.
Depending on what hairstyle you have. You know.
And then how you want to keep it or whatever, like they're not just going in once a year. All right.
So you can't treat them all like they're Crystal Gale, like they're just fucking hair down to their ankles. Just not getting it cut for years and years.
I wonder what Crystal Gale has spent on haircuts over the years. You know, it's funny.
all the money she spent, she saved in not getting a haircut. She, she then spent in time washing her fucking hair.
Uh, all right. Anyways, while they all hollered how expensive women haircut is and acted like men don't spend a dime on haircuts.
Um, my conclusion, Oh, but black guys go to the fucking barber like once a week, it seems. So it all, it all, you know, it all depends on where you are.
That's actually a fascinating fucking argument, which could have been, you could have presented it in a more fun way. But what's more fun if you're just sitting there listening to six women bitching to throw logic in the middle of it just to piss them all off that's also there's a lot of fun to be having this to be having this my conclusion was that I spend more than women in Boston on haircuts they don't believe me they hate it they think they're they're victims getting swindled even though they spend less than me a regular looking guy with blonde boring hair on haircuts well i can also tell you this there's a lot of men paying for those women's haircuts there's not a lot of women paying for like a guy goes to the barbershop there's not some fucking uh what is it not a sugar daddy sugar mama paying for the fucking thing i just want you to fly off about this because it's an example of women defying logic because they've already made up their minds about something well sir I would also say so of you because you're acting you by your math a woman goes to the beauty salon once a year and that is not fucking true um I would think that they go in there every like three to four months uh white women and then i don't know i don't know what black women do i'm just basing it on my wife my wife goes more than that and i know and it's a fucking not only that it's a fucking all-day event um but then if you want to sure up your your argument you then have to ask black guys how many times they go.
You know, as far as my experience, black dudes go there on average once every 10 days, I would guess. Oh, you know what? Why do I need to guess i have listeners you know what what the fuck let's let's open this up to everybody all right ladies how many times and don't be honest so we can get a good fucking answer stop trying to fucking win i just want to know how often you go i don't want to listen to you fucking talking about how much it cost, because how much it costs also depends on where you go.
All right. You get your hair highlighted in Beverly Hills.
So if you're getting it fucking highlighted at the South Shore Plaza, that's the same procedure. It's two different prices.
All right. So just tell me how often you go.
White guys, how often you go? Once a month, once every six weeks. It all depends.
Then there's other people, they buy those fucking clippers with a guide and then they don't go at all. I don't know.
That's interesting. But it's also interesting too, if out of all those six women there, I would be willing to bet that one of them doesn't pay for their beauty visits.
One of them, at least one of them has a man that is paying for their, if they're married, a hundred fucking percent, they're not paying for it. The guy's paying for it.
All right. And you can call that sexist or you can call that the God's truth.
I don't give a fuck. I'm just saying my reality.
I love when my wife goes to the beauty salon. She comes home, she's fucking happy, you know? And then I'm psyched to see her.
She was gone for most of the day. Absent makes the heart grow fonder.
And she comes in, she looks even more gorgeous than she did when she left. I don't give a fuck.
All right. Shitty sequel idea.
Oh yeah. Here we go.
This was the thing that I was talking about when I was on Thanksgiving. We were joking about like doing sequels to movies that didn't need sequels and then just making them the worst fucking movie ever.
So we came up with One Flew Over the Cuckoo's Nest. We came up with Two Flew Over the Cuckoo's Nest.
This time he's keeping the sink. All right.
And the whole movie was about the Indian after he threw the sink through the fucking window, you know, whatever happened to the sink. And it turns out the Indian is emotionally connected to the sink and he runs away with it like a football.
And then Tommy Lee Jones, like in The Fugitive, is chasing him around the country. You know, I mean, who doesn't want to see that movie? Anyway, shitty sequel idea.
Hey, Billy Batts got stoned with some good old Puerto Rican premium ganja and got a plot for you.

I present Doofellas.

In Doofellas, the wacky sequel to Goodfellas.

Oh, my God.

Can you imagine doing that?

Like Johnny Dangerously meets Goodfellas.

An older washed up noodles with ketchup eating Henry Hill watches in horror as his inept son, Jimmy, tries to rebuild the family's mob legacy despite having no skills. Wasn't this the Sammy the Bull story? Connections or common sense? Teaming up with his two equally clueless friends, Tony Two Left Feet and Vinny the Vegan.
Vinny the Vegan! Oh! There's a question. Have you ever met a full-blooded Italian that was ever a vegan? How could you walk away from the mastery that is Italian cooking? Jimmy embarks on a series of ridiculously low stakes crimes,

from robbing porch packages to attempting a heist on a truck full of Black Friday toasters.

Henry reluctantly steps in to help only to make things worse.

In a chaotic comedy of errors, the hills must navigate their way out of the mess,

proving that sometimes the only thing

more dangerous than crime is sheer incompetence. He said, how about it? Complete shit, right? I'm going to get the papers.
Get the papers. Go fuck yourself, amigo.
I love that. Oh God.
Shitty sequel idea. Schindler's wrist.

A sequel to Schindler's wrist.

A sequel to Schindler's list about a man's struggle with carpal tunnel syndrome after writing a list.

Oh my God.

That's better than any of the shit I came up with.

Dude, I have this theory that regular people are becoming funnier than fucking comedians. The comments section on Instagram is second to none.
It's, it's funnier than, than the Dave Letterman top 10 list. And that was professional writers back in the day.
All right. Letting go.
Uh, Hey, old Billy Green shirt writing from, uh, Canberra, the unknown capital of Australia.

Probably even said it wrong. Need some advice.
That's the capital of Australia? I would have guessed Sydney or Melbourne. Need some advice.
All is well in my life, but one thing that kills me on a daily basis is not letting things go. Oh yeah.
Oh yeah. I'm sitting here, roasted, baking, boiling.
It's like a sauna. Without going into details, I just struggle to forget old arguments or how I've acted in certain situations.
I find myself reliving these arguments or situations situations to the point. Where these people are in my dreams.

It kills me.

How do you let shit go from your past?

As always go fuck yourself.

Get some hobbies brother.

Learn how to play some Van Halen on drums.

You'll be preoccupied.

How do you let go of things in your past? Um, I would talk to somebody about it. Uh, I think the thing you want to do first is to figure out why you're still holding onto that stuff.
Like basically where that comes from. Um, because a lot of things like you got to let go of it, just breathe in, breathe out, write it down on a piece of paper and then you just crumple it up and throw it into the wastebasket.
And it's like, that doesn't work. It doesn't work.
So the best thing you got going for yourself right now is that you are aware that you're doing this and you're aware that that's a problem. And that is a major step to solving any problem, believe it or not.
Because a lot of times you're in denial or whatever the problem is, it's so encompassing that you don't even know you have it. So I would, I would talk to a therapist, dude, if it's to the point that they're in your dreams, I would definitely go talk to a therapist and, you know, and therapists are just like comedians.
Like not all of them are good. Prime example, the one you're listening to right now.
So you got to make sure that you get the Dave Attell of therapists as close as closely as you can right so um that stuff is is um that's a really important thing to do for your quality of life because that shit will affect the one life you have and it also uh you know that can lead to like health problems and stuff carrying stuff like that i used to do that i don't anymore um and i went to years of therapy and that type of stuff but i how did you know i don't really carry a lot of shit i I will say, you know, the times I've had problems with people is, you know, I used to do that. You're dead to me.
And I can tell you when you do that, when you say somebody's dead to you, they are going to live on in you. That's what happens with that.
You're dead to me. Fuck that guy.
He's fucking dead to me. Fuck her he's fucking dead to me fuck her she's dead to me it's like they're not you what you need to do is you know what I find is uh you know if I run into them I squash it you say, listen, man, you know, I'm sorry this didn't work out or anything.
And then you shake hands and it's over and it really helps you, you know? So if you have all of these people that, you know, did something to you and like, if you, if you, if you're of that ilk, which kind of you know always have vibed with people from australia because they have you know there's an anger down there there's they they deal with their problems physically a lot you know they get into fights and shit like that and that like massachusetts like australia is very. You know, a bunch of fucking hilarious people, a lot of them drinking too much and a lot of them solving their problems physically.
And, you know, you know, there's a lot of fucking trauma down there. I mean, you think that the kinds of people that they brought down there to settle, you know, all these people that were like, know from the prisons in england they'd already gone through that and then they came there and then there was already people there and then you know the usual fucking white guy shit happens with the fucking genocide you know there's a lot of uh a lot of stuff going on there so you live in a country like that like there's usually a lot of repressive solutions to problems.
So, you know, I learned this in like my 30s. If I ran into an ex-girlfriend, I used to just like totally ghost them and not talk to them.
And the energy that that took. And then afterward, you know, when they reacted to me not talking to

them, then they would do something like I was being a dick and then they would be cunty. And then it just, it just got it going again.
And then I would be walking down the street out of the bar talking to myself. Do you fucking think I give a fuck? I don't give a, you know, I'd be saying that you think I give a fuck as I'm walking down the street, still talking to this person who's not even there.
So, um, I would make like an effort, uh, even if you're not going to run into him to just in your head, forgive him. And like, think about like, all right, so they did this to me and empathize.
Like, you know, I've done shit like that, or I've done something like that, or, or you know what they did to me or said to me really had nothing to do with me it's the shit that they're going through and then say a prayer for them like i hope they get you know whatever it is that's going on in their life and i know none of that fucking makes sense i'm not fucking praying for that fucking asshole and i'm telling you you you're gonna carry it forever and then they end up having this grip on your life and you know what's amazing is none of them are thinking about you they're moving on you know unless you had like a real thing but a lot of times they don't even like like I remember those shows where they had these talk shows and these people would confront their high school bully. And it was just, I could see it was just so not satisfying for the person that got bullied because they would go there and the bully was just sitting there with this fucking look on his face.
And they would say, and I was in class and you said this about me and the bully would start laughing and just being like, oh, I said, I don't remember saying that. And then they're laughing like, yeah, that's a good joke.
And then they still don't realize that it hurt you or whatever. And it's like, like the person that got bullied just walks around and carries it for fucking decades.
And the bully doesn't even remember they even did it. Like that's how much it didn't mean to him, which ends up making the victim even madder.
Like, how could you walk around doing shit like that? And it's just like, you're not going to get what you want from this person. It's an internal thing, which is a good thing for you because you can work all of this out by yourself.
And I don't know. that's kind of like what I was able to do.
And I'm actually proud to say like, um, I still get into it with people, but I don't like, I don't carry it. And I don't have like this, uh, you know, now I just look at it like going like, all right, that was probably half me or maybe the way I joke.
This person doesn't joke that way. You know, that person's a mess.
I'm a mess. It didn't work out.
But God bless them. I hope everything that they want in life comes true.
And I'm telling you, it's a light feeling as opposed to being like, no, no, fuck that guy.

I hope that fucking guy, he can die of fucking ass cancer, that fucking guy.

Yeah, that shit, you're the one who's going to get ass cancer.

And that's one of the funny things about life.

All right.

Okay, that's the podcast.

I will check in on you on Thursday.

Go fuck yourselves.

And that's it.

That's all I got.