Thursday Afternoon Monday Morning Podcast 12-5-24

Hey, what's going on? It's Bill Burr. It's time for Thursday afternoon, just before Friday, Monday morning podcast, and I'm just checking in.
Checking in on you. What's going on? How are you? Oh, my God, it's the fucking holiday season, and I haven't even shopped yet.
I have yet to open my computer and go on to Amazon and click on things. When will I find the time? Let me tell you young people something.
Dude, you never would have survived Christmas shopping in the 80s when I was a kid. These fucking generation whatever they are, oh my God, they couldn't fucking handle the 80s.

Trying to go buy

somebody a fucking itchy sweater

while fighting the urge to go to

PewDiePie and get yourself a muffin.

That's what the fucking

streets were like.

Out in the suburbs with the malls.

That's what's wrong with this fucking

country, man. That's why everybody wrong with this fucking country, man.

That's why everybody's so fucking soft is because you can do your Christmas shopping at home.

Do you have any idea, man?

Why does everybody think when they grew up was so fucking difficult?

Somebody was just commenting on that fucking CEO got whacked in New York.

And somebody wrote, this is Chicago.

New York is Chicago in the 1930s. It's like, no, it isn't.
Nobody's dying of syphilis. All right.
And nobody goes to jail for tax evasion unless you have no money. You could never have survived Chicago in the 1930s.
Plenty of pussies lived in Chicago in the 1930s. They were called accountants and they did fine.
Stop acting like everybody had a fucking Tommy gun and they were working for Capone. They weren't.
There was plenty of fucking. There was nerds back then.
There's always been nerds. There was browbeaten men.
Okay. Just stop it with this.
I will say, though, Christmas shopping in the fucking 80s. Oh, my God.
Oh, my God. Oh, my Lord.
You'd go down to the mall and people were parking on the grass. And it was so fucking stupid everybody going down there i got i got all these people in my life and i have to go buy them shit and that was the 80s guess where all that shit is now it's out in the fucking ocean all of that fucking all your parachute pants all your sweats by eb b b b whatever the fucking those things were called.
Remember those? They were literally slacks that they put like a different colored stripe down the side. And every white kid who thought he could breakdance had to go out and go get him so they could be the suburban white B-boy.
I kept it real. I always had the fucking Levi's.
Not because I didn't. No, no, no, no, no, no.
I had the maroon ones with the gray stripe. But then what would happen is if you forgot to tie them, you'd get fucking pantsed as you were walking up the stairs.
Someone would come behind you. Of course, when the prettiest girl that you had a crush on was on, they'd grab your pants and fucking yank them down.
Oh, the humiliation. And you know what? There was no cell phones.
There was no security cameras. Nothing to fucking record it.
So it was your word against the bully. And then if you told on them, you know, then you were the one who went to the teacher and fucking you were a tattletale.
Nobody said you were a rat out

in the suburbs.

That was a fucking

inner city thing. And then enough movies

came out where they were saying, this guy,

we got a fucking rat in the house.

I got a bad feeling.

I think this guy's

eating cheese, if you know what I mean.

Are you saying he's a rat? I'm saying he's a fucking rat.

I don't know who the rat is.

We got a fucking rat in the house.

Alright, this is what I want you to do. I want you to go out to fucking

lunch with Mikey, okay?

It's fucking hot out. If he shows up with another

long sleeve shirt, don't even pat him down.

Just shoot him in the fucking head. That's

what happened at the food court in the malls

when I was growing up. And you had to walk around the blood splatter.
All right. To go buy somebody Donkey Kong.
I will tell you the the Christmas shopping, though, was a fucking shit show. It was a shit show.
Like. I don't even know how to describe it just it was like leaving just imagine the crowd leaving a football game okay after a big victory not a big victory whatever i don't know what i don't i don't even know what the outcome is but everybody's just leaving okay but nobody's leaving they're just walking around and they're just everybody's going in at It's not like everybody's just leaving.
Okay, but nobody's leaving.

They're just walking around and they're just,

everybody's going in at this.

It's not like everybody's walking towards a parking lot.

Everybody's walking against one another.

To go in and buy shit that nobody fucking needs.

I get it.

I remember a long time ago, I worked with this comedian

and he just said, Christmas is for the kids.

You know what I mean?

But the problem is, is you get married, right?

I mean, if you're smart, okay, as a man, you're gay and you marry a dude.

Okay?

Because if you're a man and you marry a woman, that's another child you have to buy a gift for because like oh we're not even five minutes in he's drawing the line um i will tell you this i I'll tell you what.

If I got absolutely nothing for Christmas, it would be the greatest Christmas ever.

You know what I mean?

You ever get that conversation with your conversation with your lady, with your lady friend?

You go, what do you want for Christmas?

And you're like, nothing.

I'm good.

And they're like, oh, come on. You gotta want something.
Nothing, really? You don't want anything. Right, they just keep fucking doing that shit.
And it's just like, listen, you don't want to get me anything. This is just the guilt, because you know that you're making me buy something.
Like you're fucking seven years old old and you still think some fat fucking white

guy's coming down the chimney there all right there's no fat guy coming down the chimney all right the fat guy's already in bed and guess what you married it and just because you did that was your mistake doesn't mean i gotta buy you fucking shit this is what i want to know is there what percentage of men have the fucking balls to say this holiday season? It's the holiday season. And guess fucking what? I don't want nothing and I ain't getting you shit because it's all fucking made up.
Yeah. Sorry, I ran out of words and I had to end with yeah.
This is like, you know, the first pass at the track. We we kind of like the melody we like some of the lyrics but uh there was some word that stuck out holiday no doobie doobie do no was it yeah yeah that's what it was can we take that out okay it's the holiday season and I ain't getting you shit because I don't need need it, and that's the fucking deal.
And we'll be ba-da-ba-da-ba. Okay.
All right, we're getting there. We're getting there.
Okay is better than yeah. No, no, no, no.
This is the process. This is the process.
Stay positive. Staying up.
Staying up. All right, let's do another take.
Get some more fucking tinsel in there he's losing his confidence um that was a christmas

recording that you guys never heard before right here on the thursday afternoon just before friday

monday morning podcast who is the fucking gonads um to say to your wife just be like listen i have

an idea this this christmas and they're like really what and then they pull their feet up off the floor and they sit like fucking indian style you know maybe they do the side saddle wow you have an idea oh my god he cares he's thinking about me no me the yeah comes when they're complaining he thinking about me. But when they're upset with you, they have the ya.
No, I'm talking about me. No.
Stop. If you have the fucking balls to say, like, listen, what are we doing? We're such and such age.

Why? Why put ourselves through this shit?

I don't want anything. OK.
And I believe in a balance of power in the relationship, which means, you know, if I'm not getting anything, then you don't have to get anything. And our gift to each other is we get to keep that fucking money in our pocket and we don't have to waste a second of our fucking life thinking about what stupid ass fucking thing.
But I want to get you something. I don't want it.
No, no, we're not doing this anymore. Why? Why? I'll tell you why.
Because it's not an even trade. Because all your shit costs way more than my shit.
Because the fucking guys who make shit for men know that we have no power in the fucking relationship, right? And they also know that if we don't get you what you want, you're going to withhold so they can fucking jack up the price. So it's not a fair trade.
Can you imagine that? Can you imagine if you got some fucking sick ass thing every year and then you came at her with like socks or some

musk whatever the dumb ass shit is that

they get for us

what do you want for Christmas

the day off I'd be like that

maybe a couple two three days of just fucking

sitting here staring at the wall trying to figure out

how another 12 months went by

and I still haven't

figured out what the

meaning of all of this shit is what about Jesus

all of these fucking the whole

Thank you. 12 months went by and I still haven't figured out what the meaning of all of this shit is.
What about Jesus? All of these fucking, the whole fucking year, politicians, country singers, that shit, crazy people on, on fucking social medias, plural medias. What the fuck did they do? Huh? You don't need to relax.
The answer is coming.

What do they talk about? They talk about Jesus.

You know, and how he's coming and how he's fucking, you got to surrender and you got to admit that you don't know shit

and this fucking hippie is going to come down.

You know why Jesus hasn't come back yet? Because he's a fucking lazy hippie's gonna come down you know why jesus hasn't come back yet because he's a fucking lazy hippie if he had a fucking man's haircut high and tight okay he would have came back sometime during world war ii i would have thought would have paid the fucking nazis a visit um what the fuck is my point here yeah they don't talk all of a sudden it's all Jesus all the fucking time until right around Thanksgiving and then all of a sudden they do the fucking bait and switch the whole fucking year they scare the shit out of you telling you that this fucking dude is coming back and you need to repent and all the fucking bad shit you did is going to come back and you're going to burn forever.

And the fucking Dante's Inferno, whatever the fuck it is, right?

And then the second his birthday comes up.

You want to talk about somebody who doesn't get shit for his birthday.

How about Jesus?

Well, he's dead, right?

Well, I thought he came back.

They never talk about that.

Three days later, he came back.

And then where did he go

is there a third part of the Bible

they don't have

he was born

miraculously

God was the baby dead

somebody did an Instagram on that

Joseph you are not the father

and then Joseph was running around the fucking... How relieved was he? I mean, they were living in a barn, right? Packed in a barn.
That must have been at least a studio apartment. Let me tell you something right now.
You never would have fucking survived back in the day in the barn during the Noel season.

The fucking three kings coming up.

They had a lot of fucking nerve, didn't they?

Living in castles and then fucking showing up at a barn.

Acting like the world was fair.

What happened to him?

So he dies.

He gets crucified for you. right for everybody he dies for our

sins and then what happens he he comes back three days later and everybody's like holy shit

you know i thought those street music musicians magicians i thought those street magicians were

amazing levitating on the sidewalk making people of color run away is why people try to

Thank you. musicians? I thought those street magicians were amazing levitating on the sidewalk making people of color run away as white people try to figure out how to turn it into a weapon that they can use.
You know, it really is funny how corny white people are depicted in so many comedies. And then you look at what the fuck we're doing around the world uh yeah it's it's pretty uh i don't understand what's going on there um anyway plowing ahead what happened he fucking eats then he dies and he comes back guess who's back back again jesus back tell a friend guess who's back guess back? We're a winner, winner.
And he pushes the fuck. Sorry, I just got off a flight.
I'm in a fucking weird mood. He fucking pushes the rock back.
Did he? Did he push the rock back? Did he have the fucking... He had more of a yoga body.
I don't see him fucking moving a rock. Oh, he's Jesus.
He went,

and the fucking thing just moved out of the way, right?

And then Jesus comes back,

and everybody was like,

oh, shit, you're not going to believe it.

Man, you didn't fucking see.

I swear to God, I did.

He was fucking,

I touched a wound on his side.

And the guy was like, gross.

Well, I had to tell it was him.

You know, this is a long time ago.

There's no forensic expert.

What am I supposed to take his fingerprints?

What, put his hand in the sand?

Second blows, the wind goes, I lose.

It was his idea.

So then he comes back. He freaks out all his friends.

How come he didn't go back and visit the people that stuck him on the cross so you thought you were going to get rid of me didn't you how come he didn't go to the puke rooms in fucking rome as they were sitting there high-fiving oh yeah we showed that fucking hippie a thing or two saying he's a son what the fuck are you doing here sorry puke room what the fuck are you doing here here here here it's really weird he died and then three days later he came back and then they don't talk about anything more about the guy's fucking life and then like uh we're still waiting for him to come back again he's kind of like a one-hit wonder when it comes to returning from the dead right he's sort of like eddie rabbit of the prophets oh i'm driving my life away This guy's got a catchy country pop sound.

Whatever happened to Eddie Rabbit?

Whatever happened to the guy that told him,

you know what your last name should be?

We got to get rid of this, you know,

you can't be Eddie Horowitz, all right?

We're trying to sell country music.

They don't go for your kind down there,

if you know what I mean. We got something else they can relate to about a rabbit you know they're always out there shooting those fucking things Eddie he goes from Jewish to Eddie Rabbit they're still going to fucking shoot at me.
It's just, anyway, power in the head. This is just me stressing because I have all of this fucking work to do.
And, um, and I got a fucking Christmas shop. And the funny thing is, is I don't.
I don't have to get anybody anything.

And neither do you.

You are totally in control to not get into this war of the worlds hysteria that happens every stupid fucking...

I get it if you have kids.

All right?

Honey, honey, I think next year we should be more adult. Oh, I like that.
All right, well, it's starting now. We're both too old for Christmas, okay? Let's just not buy each other anything.
How about that? How about that? Well, what's the purpose of me being with you if I don't get stuff every once in a while? Every once in a while? How about every couple of fucking months? You know what they should make women do? You know that little Yahtzee cup that they have? Put the fucking one dice in there. And on one side it says Valentine's Day, the other side it says birthday, the other side it says Mother's Day, and the other side it says Christmas, and then the other two sides say you lose.
And then she rolls the dice. And whatever pops up

is the only time of that year

you got to get a gift.

And if she gets you lose,

then that's it.

She gets nothing that year.

Okay, then you'll see

how much she loves you.

Just out of curiosity,

would you love me if,

would you still love me?

Would you still love me if I didn't buy you shit? Right, would they? Would you? Yeah, I mean, you gotta think of the 1800s. It was fucking Valentine's Day.
You walked out of your love cabin and you grabbed a fucking handful of daisies. Here you go, fucking Jezebel, whatever your fucking name is.
Here you go, Clementine. All right.
Now, let's say we make another farmhand. And that was their life.
How come they got away with it back then, but we can't get away with that now? You know why? It's not because of corporate America. It's because back then you could fucking put your hands on a woman.
You could give her a nice fuck. Why did you fucking ask me? What do you want? You want a three-legged stool? You want me to go over and dig out that fucking tree stump and make you a three three-legged stool get your fucking ass over here darla whatever your name is um all right i'll tell you what's the craziest thing other than that dude whacking that guy with a silencer at seven in the morning today in new york is that they were able to follow that guy with cameras all the way into Central Park.
Am I the only one that finds that fucking disturbing? You know, what the fuck are we going to write scripts about in the future? Like all the great movies have people doing illegal shit. Everything's going to be on camera.
You're going to be caught before the thing is over. The whole fucking movie is just going to be the crime, them watching you on TV, and then they arrest you.
And somehow you've got to stretch that into fucking 100 pages. And if elected, I would take down the cameras so people could get away with crime.
You know what's funny is you shoot somebody in the street. That whole fucking thing is on camera now, right? You're a fucking CEO and you fuck people out of their 401ks.
None of that's on camera. Oh, shit, Bill.
Oh, snap. Are you fucking going deep on the deep state of America with the fucking flat earthers

out there in the moon dust? I've been with my wife for 20 years. 20 years, where they go? 20 years, I don't know.
Sometimes I sit here and wonder where they go. Like a rock rock Did Bob Seger ever sing about a winner? It's unreal Beautiful loser This whole fucking career Nobody loved a sad sack like Bob Seger Was he related To Michael McDonald or did just everybody in the 70s look like that? Everybody in the 70s, every white guy had his fucking hair parted down the middle with a grisly Adams beard.
Did you guys watch that? I almost called it soft rock. That's what they used to call it.
Did you watch that Yacht Rock documentary?

So much great music.

I still don't think that those musicians got their due.

It's so funny.

That is one of the most misunderstood genres of music.

The level of fucking musicianship.

They just look at it like,

no, you know, like soft rock,

like yacht rock was like,

you know,

like I'm not trying to like hurt anybody.

And it's like, no, no, no.

It was a level of musicianship

beyond your fucking ears.

It's so funny.

Like, like Steppenwolf,

you know, people get your motor running,

head out on the highway. It's like, yeah, this is fucking music.
This got fucking balls. And it's like fucking three chords.
Putting gas in the car. Holding on to your nuts.
I can relate to this shit. See, that right there, that right there is a fucking man.
He's singing a song about fucking gasoline. And in that song, it's the first time he made reference to heavy metal.
Is that where that name came for that genre? All of those fucking guys that have been labeled Yacht Rock, they ended up fucking playing on some of the best fucking albums of all fucking time. I know, it's.
It's a strange thing, but I really did enjoy the documentary just to like see all that music. And I love that Donald Fagan told the kid to go fuck himself.
As he should have. You know what I mean? Fucking what are you doing in your life

that's at the level of the musicianship of Steely Dan?

You know, you making cakes?

Oh yeah, you making a Steely Dan level cake?

Well then go fuck yourself,

I'm not wasting my time talking to you.

They didn't even bring up Steve Gadd.

No Bernard Purdy. Nothing.
Anyway. Have I talked long enough? Have I obligated myself in a podcast way? Did anybody else notice Anderson Cooper has a podcast? Is that right? It's not enough.
He's on CNN and he fucking has Vanderbilt money.

He's got to come into my world

and start taking stamps.com money out of my fucking mouth.

You think that guy's a liberal?

I don't know.

He's a fucking capitalist.

I'll tell you that right now.

Someday I'm going to run into him.

I'm going to run into him at that CNN building

right in the cafeteria.

And Dave, I'm going to run into him. I'm going to run into him at that CNN building right in the cafeteria.
Andy! Over here. Hey, Anderson, this is a podcast table.
Podcast only. Okay? We do this because we want it.
I did it way back when there was no money in it. Okay? I didn't show up in a fucking limousine.

Peg, will you come back to me? I have to do some fucking

ad reads here. I didn't even talk.
I got

back from New York.

My kind of town, New

York is, and

I did the Hulu event, the big Hulu event. Hulu's going hard with the stand-up comedy, man.
They got all kinds of big fucking comedians over there. And I was at the party, the big lunch party.
Roy Wood Jr. Jim Gaffigan.
They got Sebastian. I'm over there.
Fuck it. A lot of glaciers over there.
They got all kinds of Bobby Lee. Andrew Santino.
It was a fun party, man. I had a good time.
That's what I was back there doing. I was doing some press.
So what's it like doing stand-up comedy? Do you want to sit down sometimes? Is that against the rules? How do you come up with your material? My favorite thing is when somebody fucking, you're doing an interview, and somebody just hands you a lapel. happen.
The guy handed me a lapel mic like I was going to sit there and fucking hold it, which I did a long time ago because I didn't know what I clipped it on my shirt like a fucking pro. And it was a good interview.
I'm not shitting on the guy, but, you know, just the level of just, you know, I'd all started with dress down Fridays. And now, you know, years later, journalists hand you a fucking lapel mic.
Like you're just going to hold this thing like a fucking acorn and talk into it. Well, I first started doing stand up comedy.
I'm a one time a long time ago. I did this gig.
And all they had was a lapel mic and we were all so inexperienced. It was me, Al Delbeni, Bobby Kelly, and Patrice O'Neill.
And we did this gig and all they had was a lapel mic. And they had it hanging on a mic stand.
And all we needed to do was just clip it on our shirt and then just do like, we were doing like a TED Talk, but none of us knew to do that, and Al was hosting, and Al took it out, and he was talking into it, and he was making fun of, like, why is this microphone so small? What am I supposed to do with this? Because we just had the muscle memory. We all had, like, seven minutes of material, and we didn't know what to do with our hands, so we needed to hold on to something like Linus.
And I remember at one point he put the whole thing in his mouth, and I was sitting there like, dude, we all got to fucking go up there. And we all looked ridiculous.
And my favorite thing ever was Patrice going up there. Six foot five, giant hands, holding this little lapel microphone.
Doing our first five minutes way back in the day. All right.
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That is the podcast, everybody. Enjoy your weekend, you cunts.

And listen to the music picked out by the talented and absolutely just great human being.

Andrew Themless. Then we have a bonus half hour episode of the thursday afternoon just before friday monday body podcast hey what's going on it's bill burn it's time for the monday morning podcast for monday um december 5th 2016 what's going on how are you um You're doing your holiday shopping.
Is that what you're doing? Oh my God. What do I get this person? There's just not enough time.
Slight Ebola, by the way, slight Ebola is still left. Yeah.
You guys are in the same boat as me. You know, I handled some of the shit I needed to to handle uh you know i got fucking nieces and nephews and all this shit i gotta take care of so i don't know what to do you know what i'm gonna do i'm gonna go on billbird.com click on the podcast page and click on the amazon link and go straight to amazon and kick me a little do-re-be huh oh no bill you shouldn't have hey don't worry about it i made a little bit of fucking cash sheesh on this one oh enjoy your remote control lamborghini um anyways uh so i know the podcast is late i was gonna try to do it last night but uh unfortunately i had to go to a memorial service for my friend who died and uh it was a beautiful, beautiful ceremony.
And also one of the saddest things I've ever seen with these young kids and everything. And didn't feel too funny last night.
But I learned a lot, man. I learned a lot by going to that service.
I will tell you that. Because when they did the collage of his life in the end of it, the photos and the videos and everything, like 99% of it was about him with his wife and being a dad.
So it made me feel lucky that I'm going to become a father, definitely. Because I was thinking like, well, what if I died right now? What would the collage look like for me? And it would just be a picture of me and a bunch of different comedy clubs making weird faces.
Obviously, the lovely Nia, but you know what I mean? I was kind of like, what, me playing drums? Like, what the fuck did I do to keep, you know, not to say that you have to have a fucking kid, because definitely, I think if you don't have a kid at this point, if you don't want to, that's a great fucking thing, considering all the shit going on with the environment to uh not just have another person just to have a person but um you know like with all of these things the great thing was i got to see a bunch of comics that i had not seen in a while and uh i will be seeing a bunch more this tuesday night at the uh laugh factory i believe the event is sold out so thank you to everybody that came down and bought tickets i uh or how would the fuck you kids do it nowadays i really appreciate it it's going to be uh the money's going to be going to uh his uh twin boys but um anyway so yeah so i went that was a very very heavy emotional night so i did not feel remotely funny because that was the thing oh typical fucking psycho comic i'm gonna go to a memorial service for a friend of mine that I've known for almost 25 years. And then I'll come home.
Then I'll do my podcast after that. You know, if you think some of my shit is bleak and dark.
Yeah, I'm glad I did not record last night. So I had some shit to do this morning.
I'm a little bit late. We're editing the season two of F is for Family and all that shit.
Have I made you laugh yet? All I'm doing is telling you what I'm laying in my bed and I fucking blah, blah, blah. You know, fully clothed, by the way, fully clothed this episode.
The NC-17 Thursday afternoon, just before Friday, Monday morning podcast did not do well in the ratings as far as the feedback. You know, it was something that we here at Monday morning podcast industries decided was, you know, maybe a different flavor we could throw to the podcast.
Every once in a while I could just be wearing a robe with nothing underneath it that Nia could then comment on. And, um, you know, it was like new Coke.
That's, that would say. I'm kidding.
Actually, it was some of the funniest fucking Photoshop. I don't know if you guys saw them on Twitter.
The Sharon Stone one was fucking, yeah. I don't know how you topped that one.
That was great. So anyways, let's talk about life.
Let's talk about the world. Let's talk about about uh hey congratulations to everybody up there in the dakotas that was fighting against the uh pipeline evidently they've been able at least able to stop it for now you know good lord some of the shit that they were saying those corporations were doing man they were playing for keeps they were saying at nighttime they had drones and they were coming in they had this pepper spray water mixture they were spraying at the protesters um that whole thing is so fucked up because i was just like why can't they just go down to home depot and buy some of those fucking things that makes the pipe make a 90 degree turn go up the street a little bit and go around the shit um evidently all the, the cowboy side, I guess they tried to go through other people's towns and they were like, yeah, you're not running that shit through here.
So even the white people didn't want it. I don't know.
I guess what I'm saying is I should have bought a Tesla until they do the research on what those fucking batteries do once they finally take those out. I remember Michael Jordan telling me not to throw out my batteries.
I believe he was standing next to the children that sewed together his sneakers. There's so much.
You can never not get mud on your shoes, no matter what you do. How the fuck do you just like, no matter what you're doing, I do this and I'm not hurting anybody or the planet.
Just the mere fact that you're fucking here. You know, somebody is crying in a factory somewhere, right? Or the inverse, if you're the kid or the person working in the sweatshop, right? You gotta be doing something.
You're probably taking it home with you. You know, coming home screaming at your wife, that's my part of the cockpit slab to sleep on, right?

There's something.

Who the fuck knows?

I don't know.

Maybe I'm just an arrogant cunt in a first world country.

I have no idea.

But let's talk about Formula One racing here, everybody.

Nico Rosberg.

Dude, the level of fucking drama.

Like, ladies, if you ever wanted to get into a sport,

but you just find, you know,

the four major ones in the U.S boring or you're not into uh soccer or whatever the fuck people watch around the world cricket you like drama you like all of that shit i i highly suggest watching formula one racing this whole nico rosberg lewis hamilton thing nico rosberg right he's the he's the up, as I said. He finally won his first championship after being a bridesmaid the last couple years.
This is my first year watching it, so I'm sure a lot of this shit I'll have wrong. He wins his first championship, all right? And then out of fucking nowhere, out of the fucking blue, he retired.
He just said, that's it, I'm done. And somebody tweeted that to me, so I looked it up, and I saw that it was true, and the only clip I saw was him just standing there, and his wife was talking the entire fucking time.
So I'm just sitting there looking, going like, wait a minute. Is this guy, was this her decision? You know, he's got a kid on the way Just like, God, Nico Do you really have to drive again this weekend? Where? Abu, what? It's just so silly I mean, you know, I drive a car too, you know I don't have to put a number on it and drive around S-turns.

It's just such a male testosterone thing.

You're hurting the environment.

I don't know if he got in her ear, like the whole fucking Yoko thing,

which people always say Yoko broke up the Beatles,

which I don't believe that.

I think John and Paul kept bringing their work home,

bitching about one another.

And after a while, both Linda and Yoko were like, Hey, well, why don't you just quit? I mean, you're not happy. Right.
And then they just threw that out there. And then their ego, you know, like they were called in their bluff.
They couldn't be like, well, but then what would I do? I wouldn't have a band. I don't know if I could write without him.
Right. So they just, they couldn't do that.
So they just fucking, I don't know what the fuck I'm talking about. Let's get back to the, let's get back to the racing here.
So I didn't know if it was that version. And then I read that, what's his face? Was it Kiki Lada or whatever? He was trashing Nico Rosberg.
Said he made them look silly and stupid and all of that. And I'm just sitting there, why the fuck would this guy quit? 31 years old, you just won your first one, now you're going to walk away? You know? Why would you do that? And then I was thinking, maybe it's his wife, he's got a kid coming along.
He just won it, he was very emotional. he had the come down afterwards where then there's the little bit of a melancholy slash depression.
And then you're like, fuck, now I got to do this again. And you got to climb back up the mountain again.
I don't think it's, you know what I think it is? I think that, um, Lewis Hamilton was the favorite son.'s just total fucking guess at mercedes he's sick of dealing with that dynamic you know and he wanted to get out of his fucking contract and the only way out was to retire so he might leave for i don't know how long you know and then he'll come back with a different team there's no fucking way he's not coming back 31 years old there's no fucking way he's not coming back. 31 years old.
There's no fucking way he's not coming back. He's going to take a year off, get his kid up and running, you know, get the kid to be able to use the fucking shit up, right? Mama, dada, throttle break, right? You got to say a few fucking words, and then he's going to be right back out there again, you know? I's gonna be out there and he's gonna race for a different team but here's the thing though those mercedes cars were so fucking good that all they had to do was just get to the first turn whoever won the first turn right won the goddamn race it seemed so i'm gonna guess i'm gonna guess he's gonna go with the red bull team because that was the only team that seemed to fucking win anything this year as far as the shit that i watched but uh jesus christ so nico's getting fucking trashed people like what the fuck five reasons why he would quit um kiki rossberg calls him a cunt or something uh nikki lauda sorry Kiki.
Nikki Claude, I'm combining names here, slams Nico Rosberg for

making Mercedes look dumb. Dude, in that last race, when Lewis Hamilton slowed down, because if Nico Rosberg came in fourth place or worse, Lewis would have won the championship, so he deliberately slowed the fuck down to let the third and fourth place guys catch up

and then he disobeyed a direct order

from his fucking pit crew.

I'm telling you, it's fucking Top Gun.

You know?

You two characters are going to Top Gun, right?

They tell him to speed up

and Lewis is like, nah, yeah, I'm good.

I can still win this race.

Let's just fucking add 40 years of stress to this fucking guy maybe he'll he'll spin out and i'll win and um rossberg's also talked about sometimes you know when they're out on the track he doesn't know how far lewis is gonna go is he gonna push me off the track but rossberg's done the same shit he did that like twice he has this fucking move where he goes into a turn it's like goes straight straight for way too long. And then oops, at the last second turns away and drive some guy into the gravel.
Oh Jesus, Bill, you don't know anything about this sport, do you? Um, I don't know. We'll see what the fuck happens, but that's my call.
I think he's going to stay home for a year with this kid, right? He's going to go out of his fucking mind as much as he's going to love his kid, as much as he's going to love his wife, the entire time that Kenny Loggins song is going to be going on in the background. Where is he with me? Where is he with me? Right? Ba-de-doo.
Do-de-doo. Fucking something-something.
Do-ba-da-ba-dee-ba-doo. Eek-bin-ein-in-burnin-a.
Right? Whatever Johnny JFK said, and then that guy in the fucking pump said he said i am a i'm an egg or my cookie or something yeah it's gonna drive him up the fucking wall and he's gonna have to go back out there again and uh you know and then i think he's gonna drive for the rest of his fucking career um that's my guess all right so there you go there's a whole bunch of shit how often do you hear a bunch of Formula One talk on a fucking American podcast you know nothing alright go fuck yourself hey how about that Patriots Rams game you know that's tremendous if anybody ever had trouble sleeping that would have been a great game to fucking watch Jesus Christ I actually did I actually watched you got to watch the game live with me on Facebook. It was something last second we decided to try at All Things Comedy.
So thank you for the 1,500 people or so that tuned in and watched me watch the game. I'm sure they'll put together some sort of clips from that.
So if you guys like it enough, if it gets enough hits, I might start doing that. I want to do it for boring fucking games because if the game matters you're not going to want to listen to me talking but patriots versus rams that's a good one right and all i do is i just do the first half um so anyways i might do it with joe bartnick or somebody like that maybe with paul verzi at some point we'll figure it out so anyway so i have to go to to this memorial service last night.
I was so proud of my friend that, you know, I could really see what a great husband and father he was. So I already knew the suit that I was going to wear.
Because when you get to my age, you know, it fucking sucks, man. You start losing people and you have your funeral suit, you know.
For a lot of people, it was, I'm going to a wedding suit.

And then as you get older, that becomes, I'm going to a funeral.

It fucking sucks.

So you remember last year, I got into the best shape of my fucking life.

And I went to put on the suit that I fucking bought during that time.

Jesus Christ.

I could barely get the pants done. And I couldn't wear a tie to the event because I couldn't get the shirt closed.
And all I did, I put on like 15 fucking pounds. It's like, how skinny was I? And I was just sitting there screaming at myself in the mirror.
My mother, my, I don't know, my mother always told me when I was, you know, she was always like fucking, I don't know. She was always honest about not being fat fuck kids, which is hilarious to me.
Because who wants a fat fuck for a kid, right? So I'm sitting there screaming at myself in the mirror, right? And my wife is just sitting there fucking laughing her ass off at me. I'm going, look at you.
Look, you fucking disgust me. Just completely trashing myself

because that's how I get myself back into shape.

So I remember I mentioned last podcast

that I was going to do a half hour cardio

every fucking day this month

because I'm not putting on the pigs in the blanket,

fucking apple strudel.

What's a Christmas goose?

What do you have?

What do people have?

Chinese food to Jewish people, right? What's the shit that everybody fucking eats this month? Makes you a fat fuck. All of the stuff, the pies, the cookies, the Christmas party, the booze, all of that shit.
You end up putting on all this fucking weight. Then what happens? Everybody joins a fucking gym.
Everybody joins the gym in January.

It's just fucking mobbed.

All you got to do is just hang in there until about the second week of February.

Everybody just starts dropping off like the Baton Death March or some shit.

Such a fucked up reference, but I've been watching a lot of World War II shit.

I probably even said it wrong.

Did I say Baton like what you twirl? The Baton Death March. It was a lot of World War II shit.
I probably even said it wrong. Did I say baton, like what you twirl?

The Baton Death March.

It was a bunch of high school bands that had to walk to the prom that none of them had dates to.

Oh, Bill, do you have to be that mean?

Well, you know what?

I don't.

But it's funny, isn't it?

Isn't it?

Anyways, so you know what's great?

Why don't you beat the fucking new person to the gym rush?

Why don't you do yourself a favor

and not go into the new year 15, 20, 30, 40, 50 pounds overweight?

Let's say you knock that number.

What's that first number?

Huh?

Unless you're in triple digits.

I don't want to fucking give you too much.

But if you got a double-digit figure, you're trying to lose. Let's say you're 20 pounds overweight.
Why don't want to fucking give you too much. But if you got a double digit figure, you're trying to lose.

Let's say you're 20 pounds overweight.

Why don't you try to get that two down to a one?

You know?

Get that 18 down to a fucking nine.

Get that 20 down to a 10.

Just knock it down.

Run some fucking miles off your fucking odometer.

Right?

Come on.

Admit it.

Go ahead.

Nobody's looking. Nobody's looking at cubicle.
Reach down. Reach down.
Grab a handful. I'll look at you.
Huh? That's what you're going to do? You're going to add to that? Jesus Christ, come on. Say it with me.
I'm a fat cunt. Right? Just say it.
One, two, three. I'm a fat cunt.
All right?

Then the first thing you got to do is admitting it to yourself that you've lost control over so many of those fucking Christmas cookies.

But let's be honest, they don't really taste that good.

A lot of them are bad shortbread with some shitty frosting

and some sprinkles on it, right?

You don't need that shit, right?

Half hour, half hour every day, make a goddamn playlist.

Jesus Christ. frosting and some sprinkles on it, right? You don't need that shit, right? Half hour,

half hour every day, make a goddamn playlist. You know, what's funny is I've actually, because I'm so dreading doing cardio rather than listening to some testosterone aggressive shit.
Like I actually was listening to like Paul Simon, like my cardio thing starts off with Something So right by Paul Simon, which when you really listen to that song, I should look up the fucking, my internet doesn't work down here. The fucking lyrics are really annoying.
He's like, when something goes wrong, I'm the first to admit it. I'm the first to admit it, but the last one to know, right? So he's already said like, you know, Hey, if there's something wrong, Like, I'm the first to admit it, but the last one to know, right? So he's already said, like, you know, hey, if there's something wrong, like, I'm the first one to admit it.
I just never know what that is. I don't know if it, yeah, fuck you, Paul Simon, you cunt.
I hate when people do that, you know what I mean? They just, you know, they fucking say that they're an asshole, and then they take no responsibility for it because, hey, man, I just don't,

like, it's hard for me.

It's just, like, hard for me to tell when I'm being a total selfish douche.

Come on, Paul, you know that, okay?

If you can do a fucking sound check, okay, and you can hear that the horns are too far down in the mix,

you can't tell me that you can't be in a car with somebody else

and not hear that you're being a fucking asshole.

And then the rest of it is,

When something goes right,

Oh, it's like you lose me.

It's apt to confuse me.

He's just like,

Oh, let's all stop and help Paul Simon.

That's why he married that Edie Burkell. I'm telling you.
You know what I mean? No fucking broad his age was going to put up with his horse shit. He had to find some young chick that was still fucking wide eye, you know, slightly confused.
What I am is what I am and what you are or what we are, right? She didn't know what the fuck. She didn't know which way was up.
Right? Goddamn oversized sweater. Fucking walking around.
He fucking shows up. Like, you know, I mean, if something goes wrong, I'm the first to admit it.
But, yeah, I never seem to know. I'm like the last guy to know.
Oh, Paul, you're a nice person. Right? Next thing you know, he's behind her.
Just banging away. His fucking toupee slapping off the back of his head right that's how the whole fucking thing went down and in the meantime edie brachell and the new bohemians right that you know for a pop band i mean those guys could play great guitarist and a great fucking drummer and what happened fucking paul simon comes up with his hat in hand showing up you know paul simon got he got hair plugs right after i think elton john and elton john got the original one so like you know his head was so scarred up that's why when he was real coked up in the 80s he was wearing like those mannequin wigs because i don't i don't know what i'm talking about i think was i at the grocery store and read a few too many us magazines um and as all how the fuck did i get oh we're talking about working out okay i'm not here to talk about paul simon edie's fucking relationship i think i overstepped a few lines there especially during this holiday month so i apologize all right so I start with that.
Then I go into one trick month. So I apologize.
All right. So I start with that.

Then I go into one trick pony.

Then I go 50 ways to,

to,

uh,

to leave your lover with Steve Gadd on drums.

Um,

Oh,

by the way,

he's coming to town with fucking Eric Clapton.

Somebody offered me a fucking ticket and I forgot to get back to him. I got to gotta i've seen steve gad live before but i never saw eric clapton but anyways it goes to that and then i go i listen to uh uh what the fuck do i listen to a couple of pretender songs then i get into aerosmith's first fucking album and then i'm done right just like that i eased my way eased my way you know i start off really easy then i get to mid-range and then i just get to aerosmith's first fucking one that's what i did because what i was doing before i was i was like regretting like not regretting hating and I was starting off with, like, fucking Iron Maiden or Dr.
Feelgood.

You know what I mean?

Like, that's not like if you're just waking up and you're getting on a fucking elliptical.

It's all, he's when the call starts to feel good.

He's when I feel good.

It's just like, Jesus, Vince, Vince, for fuck's sakes.

At least I could start with home sweet home, home right you know i'm a dreamer um you know i just realized we have company upstairs once i put the headphones on like i don't even fucking realize i don't give a shit so i was listening to that and like iron maiden you know it just like creeps you out like you're fucking getting on an elliptical you're groggy because I got to go into work and shit, right? Starting your day off. We want information.
Information. Information.
Who are you? The new number two. Who is number one? You are number six, right? How about Vincent Price? All the fucking work he got in the early 80s, man.
He was fucking crushing it, huh? Woe to you, O earth and sea, for the devil sends the beast with wrath, because he knows that time is short. Let him who hath understanding reckon the number of the beast, for it is a human number.
Its number is 666. Babadoo, babadoo, babadoo, right? And then he was on fucking Michael Jackson's Thriller, right? Ah, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, that old fucking crazy laugh in the end.
I can't remember. The funk of 40,000 years.
I never really listened to Michael Jackson. I was one of those people who had to pretend to be sad when he died.
You know what I mean?

I'm looking at the man in the mirror.

You know?

Shambo!

Uncle God!

It just never spoke to me. I liked his shit

when he was a kid.

Oh baby, give me more and more

chance. I liked right up to Off the Wall.

Somewhere, I don't know i guess i like so i like some of uh like billy jean was okay thriller i thought was stupid you know you know actually thriller isn't stupid you know what it is it's fucking whenever it comes on everybody has doing the Thriller dance, and they always start with the same thing where it's the claws up in the air on either side. Always.
Always. There's always somebody doing a fucking Michael Jackson impression.
You know? You know what's interesting about that guy, as great as he was? The balls of me to critique this man. He was one of those guys he he had the sickest fucking dance moves and then he just stopped and he kept with the loafers and he kept doing the leg thing and he kept grabbing his dick and then everybody kind of caught up and went past him even though he was still always the greatest dancer of all time he she was it was like he was doing the charleston his whole his whole fucking life back do got do here comes the moonwalk right somebody can't even remotely fucking dance um oh the fucking balls i'm showing on this podcast oh let's keep going

what other fucking legend can we keep can we trash next um yeah i never got into uh

I never get like when they always,

it was always like Prince versus Michael Jackson. Like to me,

it was like,

it was like,

it was like,

it was like,

it was like,

it was like,

it was like,

it was like,

it was like,

it was like,

it was like,

it was like,

it was like,

it was like,

it was like,

it was like,

it was like,

it was like,

it was like,

it was like,

it was like,

it was like,

it was like,

it was like,

it was like,

it was like,

it was like,

it was like,

it was like,

it was like,

it was like,

it was like,

it was like,

it was like,

it was like,

it was like,

it was like,

it was like, it was like, it was like, it was always like prince versus michael jackson like to me it was it was always prince it wasn't even close and um i don't know prince is funny because his bad songs always sound like songs that molly ringwald would have danced around to in like 16 candles like he's got a couple of those we just like jesus i guess everybody's got those right and if he has one of those jeez bill can you trash any more dead geniuses yeah i can't let's go let's start talking let's talk about mark twain and fucking albert einstein is it me or did they both have the same fucking baba what was it about being a genius back then or someone who was changing the way people were thinking that you just you had to have that fucking that same fucking do it was sammy the sammy hagar and van hal fucking do, except it was white, right? Mark Twain had it. Fucking Albert Einstein had it.
Frederick Douglass had that with that fucking itchy beard. Everybody had that.
When you fucking are just too goddamn smart, you know what I mean? Like shit, I don't know.

You just got too much shit to think about.

There's something about that hairdo

that it's just the perfect thing.

I bet Sammy looks back and is like,

why did I cut my hair like that?

You know what?

The haircut he got was like when he was younger,

when he had the longer hair,

that's like the chick you marry.

And then like after she has a couple of kids

and she just,

I just don't want to deal with it anymore. He literally got that fucking haircut.
You know? hair that's like the chick you marry and then like after she has a couple of kids and she just i just

don't want to deal with it anymore he got like literally got that fucking haircut you know just short of um are you sad that you you know are you moving towards an alternative lifestyle here like what is going on with that thing that was just a bad fucking period huh they were wearing those those peach fucking flash dance fucking overalls.

Um,

yeah. That was just a bad fucking period, huh? They were wearing those peach fucking flash dance fucking overalls.
I don't know. All right, Sammy Hagar.
I think Sammy Hagar would have been better if he didn't join Van Halen. Oh, I'm going after.
I'm talking about everybody this week. I don't know what I'm doing here.
I think I'm going for fucking a reality show right now.

You ever hear that song, Heavy Metal, by Sammy Hagar?

I like that better.

And you watch him performing with his own fucking...

I'm going to fucking tweet that.

I'm going to tweet that fucking video this week.

You know what I mean?

You tell me that anything he did in Van Halen.

Not trashing Van Halen, because I fucking love those guys. But I'm just saying, Sammy shouldn't have jumped in there.
He should have kept going. He was on a path.
The man could not drive 55. All right? Tall and heavy metal, right? He was fucking great.
I don't know what happened. Then all of a sudden, I got the best of both worlds.
Right? I don't know what happened. My fucking voice is cracking.
Alright, I think I've trashed enough people that are way, way, way more talented than I'll ever be. So now it's time.
Now it's time to say goodbye to all you fucking cunties. I gotta read a little bit of advertising.
Oh, and there's a lot this week. Everybody piling on, trying to get your holiday money.
Trying to get that holiday money. Oh, look who's back.
All right, let's get to some of the questions here for this week. Hey, did you guys see over in England there? They got the fucking...
They got some shit that would even make Snowden go, God damn, I didn't even think think of that they got some snooping thing over there where they're just gonna everybody anything you do on your phone or on the internet or anything like any of that shit they can just look at it it's fucking unbelievable it's unbelievable whole presidential election goes by they never talk about any of that shit. Why the fuck do you think that is?

Oh, fucking Obama, right?

He was in office when all that Snowden shit went through.

The big fucking liberal.

All you pussies who cried when Hillary didn't get in.

You see what the fuck happened when Obama was in?

Ah, bunch of baby scum.

So disappointed.

Anyways, let's read some fucking shit here.

Here we go.

Advice on the future.

Dear Bill Murph Fudd. First of all, congrats on the kid.
New special, yada, yada. Thank you.
I'm an 18-year-old guy out of high school and need career advice. I graduated with honors.
Good for you. Straight A's.
Jesus. And all that crap.
But I currently don't attend college and am working some shit job in a pasta factory. Sounds like you're burned out on the academics there.
Oh, he said, this is because what I really want to do is sing, parentheses, classical shit, take piano lessons, and be happy. My dream isn't to be famous or anything, but I love music and want to pursue it.
Problem is, I have zero background. Can't sing, can't play anything, literally zero.
There's a great place nearby where I live that gives vocal and piano lessons, and all I want to do is start training my voice and start playing, but I feel like there's no point because I have no experience. Jesus Christ, dude.
You know what it is? You're one of these people. You got straight A's, you're an overachiever, and you're so goddamn smart.
every time you come up with the option, you know, when is you're one of these people you got straight a's you're an overachiever and you're so goddamn smart every time you come up with the option you know when the the normal level of fear comes up smarties like you can come up with like rather than just 10 reasons not to do it you'll come up with a thousand and you're you're paralyzed right now is what's going on he said i spend my free you're only 18 years old dude you know nobody has any experience till they till they start experiencing it you're already being way too hard on yourself he goes all right he goes i spend my free time listening to countless covers of the same song watching videos on vocal exercises and fantasizing about being a singer one day i feel i can really do it sometimes, but other times I feel like not even trying. Yeah, dude.
Yeah. That's okay.
That first emotion where you feel like trying to do it, you need to listen to that. That second one that talks you out of it, you need to stop listening to that voice.
You need to out loud tell that voice to shut the fuck up. That's what I did.
I literally were talking to the, you gotta beat the fuck out of that voice. That one that goes, no, no, yeah, but what if this happens? Oh, nobody's gonna like me.
Sit down and shut the fuck up. Alright? I don't need you on this one.
I need you when I'm thinking about doing heroin. Then I need you going like, well, what if you get addicted and then you die and you make everybody cry? Yeah, yeah, then I'll listen to you.
But not when you're going after a dream. You don't listen to any of that negative shit because you'll talk yourself out of it.
Anyways, I know you always preach about following your dream, but when it actually comes to doing it, it's very scary. Of course it is.
However, I don't want to be 40 years old and think, man, what if? My 99-year-old aunt always tells me to do what I want and forget about money, but my parents say that I need a real job. Well, who has more life experience? Your 99-year-old aunt, and what is she saying? Huh? Your parents, they're too close to you.
They're worried you're going to be homeless and all that shit, so they're always going to say, just get a fucking job so you can have enough money to put a roof over your head and eat a sandwich. That's all they're thinking of.
Nobody dreams of that. Nobody dreams about just having a roof over their head and eating a sandwich unless you're, I don't know, unless you live in some fucking squalor, right? But even then, after a while, once you have the roof over your head, then you're going to at some point be like, I want to do something.
Right? I don't know. Anyways, I've been in between for a year.
I've been in between for a year now and need help. I don't want to get massively in debt for something I don't really want.
That is so fucking smart. All these poor kids coming out of fucking college, hundreds of thousands of dollars in debt at this fucking point, or at least the high 10,000s.
That's when you love being a fucking moron you know because then you go to community college doesn't cost shit you work at dunkin donuts throw a couple of coffees at people and all of a sudden you got money for your next semester uh maybe pursuing music will open doors to majoring in music in the future i don't know what should i do you pale bitch uh p.s give cleo a head scratch for me pit bulls are awesome um and he says asian need advice from bill burr oh that's the next person is that it oh all right yeah you know what's fucked up i was gonna say oh you're asian dude you're gonna crush the piano that's one of those stereotypes that i guess is racist but but it's like positive racism. You know what I mean?

Dude, take up the cello.

You'll be playing for your fucking major cities, Philharmonic.

All right, this is what I would do.

I would just start taking lessons immediately.

I would sign up immediately.

I would not listen to the rest of this podcast.

Hit stop, walk over to the phone, call the number, and get a lesson as soon as you can. Go to the lesson, okay? And then keep going and just see what that feels like.
Don't stop after one and be like, well, I only went to one and I can't even play chopstick yet. Fuck this, fuck that voice.
Keep going, all right? Just say, I'm gonna stick with this for three months. All right? That's the big thing with anything.
You got to stick with it for three months and really work at it. Working out, learning an instrument, learning a language.
God knows I always end up quitting. I can't even get fucking 100 days together.
Just stick with it and see how you feel after three months. If you feel like this isn't for me, you're not going to have that, well, what if, what if bullshit? Because you tried it.
So this isn't, you're not making a decision that's going to affect the rest of your life. Don't look at it like that.
You're just looking at the next three months. The next three months are going to happen.
Do you want to, after 90 days, still be sitting there going, I have no experience, I don't know what to do, working in a pasta place? Or do you want to be in this fucking pasta place and you know how to play a couple of songs? Dude, you'll be fucking excited, man. If this is what you really want to do, you'll be at work thinking about it.
Can't wait to get home and play the fucking piano or try my singing some songs or whatever. And then once you get that, then that gets in your DNA.
And when you have stuff to look forward to in life, all of a sudden shit that you don't look forward to, you start looking at it like, why the fuck am I doing this? This sucks. You know, I don't want to do this.
And then that gets you out of that. And you start going down a path of what the fuck you want to do.
Then the other side of that is then your whole fucking life is nothing but fun shit. Then when you actually have to do shit that you don't want to do, like go down to the fucking DMV and find the title for your goddamn Prius, right? Then you can be a big fucking baby about it.
So there is, there price to pay. But, dude, that's what I would do.
I would stop listening right now and sign up for those lessons and go in there and just tell your teacher. Say, this is something I've always wanted to do.
I'm just nervous about it. Just fucking just say what you said to me.
And they'll be like, all right, all right. Well, let's get you on there, dude.
And you'll be fucking playing piano. Boom! That's how easy it is to make a change in your life.
Just fucking pick up the phone, say what you want to do, and then when it's time, you show up and you do it, and then you're doing it, you know? You just got to get around all those mental blocks. So I hope you listen to me, man, because you're only 18 years old.
So it's not like not like you're 50 60 and even then i would still tell you to do it because who gives a fuck whether you get anywhere with it but if you want to do that you know you should do it all right that's it for that okay asian needs advice from bill burr bill i love your podcast you're really awesome um asian male Chinese chinese with squinty fucking eyes and can't drive for shit dude you don't gotta shit on yourself um anyways i need your advice i came to america i guess i always do i'm a bald pasty cunt um anyways i need your advice i came to america a year ago and i really love tall, slim Irish German girls with red hair.

Jesus Christ, I just missed being your fucking dreamboat.

I think they're beautiful.

Well, I'm not tall, am I?

Blonde is beautiful, too.

Never seen such beauty where I'm from.

Holy moly.

The problem is I'm not tall and confident like white guys, and I live in Texas.

Jesus Christ, dude. This is a fucking reality show waiting to happen.
I tried to ask this redhead at the gym out and she won't take me seriously. All right time the fuck out.
Dude hat off to you for the fucking balls you got. You came here from China.
You've learned the fucking language, right? You're in Texas. You're at the gym.
You're talking shit, right? Gives a fuck. You went up to the plate.
You didn't get on base. Who gives a shit? Talk to another redhead.
Talk to a blonde. Talk to whatever fuck you want to keep talking to him.
He said, what do I need to do to date a redhead? Oh, Jesus Christ. Wait, because I'm a redhead?

Like I know there's some secret fucking handshake?

He said they want me to be their Asian friend,

but I really want to marry them, bang them, and have cute kids.

This is driving me nuts.

I mean, am I going against nature?

Is an Asian guy dating white girls frowned upon and not accepted in America?

Thanks in advance.

I don't really cuss that much and don't mean to offend you but uh wanted to talk and act like you jimmy chow out um yeah yeah okay is is asian guys dating white guys frowned upon like everything is frowned upon in every fucking country generally speaking people are afraid of anything fucking new gives a shit? Literally, like that guy before me who said he wanted to play piano, if he told somebody he wanted to do that, you know, I think initially people would be encouraging or whatever. There's always going to be people telling you not to do shit.
Is this what you want to do, sir? Yes, then I would go out and do it. All right.
So it sounds like to me from your email that you've, uh, you know, I don't know. It's like, it's like you just got into the majors.
Okay. It's the first week you haven't gotten your first hit yet.
What are you going to do? You're just going to quit baseball, go back down to the minors. Fuck that.
Keep, I would keep talking. Every time you hit on a woman, you get better at it.
All right? And I would just continue. You're doing everything you need to do.
You're going to the gym, you're staying in shape, and you're talking shit. I mean, I don't see anything wrong with your game plan other than it hasn't happened for you yet.
And this is something, it's going's gonna take a minute you know if you just walk up and talk to some chick at the gym and get laid i mean then everybody would be fucking doing it the reason why most people don't do it is because they know that 99.9 percent of the time you're gonna get the fucking heisman hey easy easy this is my elliptical over here this is your elliptical over there, right? Fuck off, right? And for all the women, they're going like, can you just like not hit on us at the gym? Can you just fucking not? Can I just have this fucking place? Hey, they make gyms for that. They make the all ladies fucking gyms.
All right. Fuck, you're going to go there working out, looking good, and then you're upset that a guy's coming up and hitting on you?

Someday, ladies, some days they're not going to want to talk to you.

Take it from somebody, okay?

Who the women, they don't even like, you don't even like register.

Like I'm like, I'm a sir.

I became a sir or a mister like fucking 15 years ago.

And it's over?

I'm not going to do that. like i'm i'm like i'm a fuck i'm a sir i became a sir or a mister like fucking 15 years ago and it's over all right okay boyfriends obsessed with video games now i know somebody's in 70 email well i was fucking they're gonna talk about some borderline sexual assault thing obviously that's not what i'm talking about i'm just talking about a little playful flirtation of someone who wants to fuck you.
Boyfriend's obsessed with video games. How far into this podcast am I? All right.
This one's going to be a little bit short. I usually go a little over an hour, but that's where I'm going to have to stop today because I got to go into fucking, I got to go to Woik.
Boyfriend's obsessed with video games. Hey, Buffalo Bill, I love your podcast and I'm a huge fan.

My boyfriend and I both love to listen to your rants about whatever bullshit comes to mind.

I myself have ADD and can find myself rambling

about something completely different

than whatever it was I started to ramble about.

Anyway, my boyfriend has always been a huge fan of video games

and he can play them all day if he could. More recently, he has been obsessed with one game in particular for the last eight plus month and has really put a strain on our relationship.
He will turn on his Xbox from the second he gets home until about four hours before he has worked the next morning. Jesus.
So we pretty much spend no time together unless it's me watching him play with his friends. He talks to his friends while he plays online, in which case, even if I do say something to him, he either doesn't hear me or just ignores me.
I've tried talking to him about it and he refuses to change or compromise. It's even started to affect our sex life.
Well, I imagine it would because he has no time for sexy time. We are both still young and in our late twenties.
And I hate that I'm practically begging him to turn off the game so we can canoodle in the sheets. I've been contemplating just breaking off our relationship of five plus years because it's been this way for months and it has only gotten worse.
I'd love to hear what the wise nia has to say as well

thanks for all the good laughs and congratulations on both of you's on the new baby birth thank you um unfortunately nia's not here let me see if i can get her hold on one second okay she's on her way down um i would say first of all you've been together for five plus years initially my first thought when you were doing this is what i would do if if what would get make me pay attention is i would just start going out with your friends and just start wearing fucking sexy outfits and shit and he'll get the message immediately if you walk out the door looking good and he's sitting there fucking playing video games and stuff and he, if he doesn't get that hint, then yeah, you got to be thinking like, well, what the, this guy's just, this guy's more interested in this shit than, than what I'm doing over here with my fucking Christmas leggings, going out to a Christmas party dressed like a fucking hot piece of ash over here. That's, that's what the fuck I would do.
You've already tried to talk to him. I got to be honest with you.
I understand people becoming obsessed with video games. It's why I don't play them.
But to me, I'm a bit of a cunt when it comes to video games. To me, that's a child activity.
You know what I mean? Like, what is this person working towards? What do they have for a fucking job? They come home from their job and they just play a video game for the whole fucking rest of the day. It does not sound like a driven man.
That's another fucking red flag. So that's what I would, I would just start building a life.
Initially, I would start building a life without him to see if he notices and maybe you guys can get back to where you were or if he doesn't notice then you already have a head start on getting the fuck away from this guy so the lovely nia is here i'm gonna hit pause and let her read this email um or nia what if you just want to you can just read this while i continue to ramble here um it starts right here my boyfriend's been a fan of the video games yada yada yada and all that shit so that's that's basically uh that's what i would do and as i mentioned a long time ago the last video game that i played was grand theft auto 3 and it literally consumed my life i would be walking to the comedy clubs getting on bike, and I would be thinking about the game when I wasn't even at home. I'd be waiting to go on stage, thinking about, okay, I'll finish this set, and I'll go home, and I'll use the cheats, and I'll just go on a fucking rampage and all that shit.
And it just kind of took over my life. So here's the lovely Nia with her advice.

First of all all can i just say that this problem really sucks and um that's really annoying and that you're both in your 20s and he's like addicted to playing video games i'm sorry but that's a lame mass and you need to move on. Seriously.
Five years, five plus years. It's been this way for months and it's only gotten worse.
Yeah. You said you tried to talk to him about it and he refuses to change or compromise.
Well, it's just, yeah. He obviously has priorities for this video game.
I don't know if he, is there something else going on in your relationship? Or did he have some kind of... Something bad happened recently that he doesn't want to deal with or something? And that's why he's so consumed by the video games.
Because I'm just trying to think like what normal, healthy, happy person just all of a sudden... Doesn't want to bang his broad.
Yeah, and hands over his life to a video game. Like, I feel like something happened and he's not able to like...
But you talk too quietly. Okay, because you're sticking it in my face.
Well, because you do this and you start talking all the way over here and the people can't hear you. Oh, okay.
Talking at the levels here. Oh, all right.
Sorry, that's all right. Yeah, I would not necessarily say, listen listen it's the video games or me but you can just say something along those lines of like listen i feel like i'm not a priority in your life and if that's the case then we really need to talk about this relationship because if you're not into it then just let me go so i can find somebody who's into me and it's going to pay attention to me and not their xbox this is what i was saying she should do she should just fucking dress like a and go out that night and just see if he notices like just have like fucking you know the fucking thigh highs on and all that shit if he doesn't get it then thigh highs yeah just dress like a fucking whore thigh highs stockings.
They go up to your thighs, and then they stop, and there's this glorious little fucking hint of leg. You're so old that you feel like women are going out in thigh highs like they're saloon mistresses, like on Westworld.
Why, because I came of age in the 1800s? Why are you acting like you guys don't always whore it up every fucking holiday? You whore it up on your birthday. You whore it up on Halloween.
You whore it up on Christmas. Sex it up.
It's called being sexy. Sexing it up.
Sexing it up. When you clam on the fucking platter.
That's what you guys do. It's different.
Titties out. Clam peeking out from underneath the sheet.
No, because I don't believe in in that passive aggressive shit it's just like listen motherfucker are you into this or not because if not then i need to move on the thing is though honey he's made his choice that's what i think that you don't necessarily want to fully admit to he's made his choice he's more interested in the video game for whatever reason he won't talk about it he won't compromise he's made his choice. He's more interested in the video game for whatever reason.
He won't talk about it. He won't compromise.
He's made his choice. Maybe he's not into the relationship anymore.
Is that a possibility? Is it a possibility that he... Maybe she needs to whore it up.
She's saying she's trying to beg him to even have sex, which is ridiculous. It could be that he is just not into the relationship anymore, and he's such a fucking pussy-ass puss that he's waiting for you to be the one to dump him.
Because a lot of people do that. A pussy-ass puss? What is this? I don't even know.
But some people, they don't want to be the bad guy, or they're just immature and cowardly. So they don't want to say, listen, I think we should break up because they feel guilty because it's been five plus years.
So they do shit like this to like make you be the one to break up with them because they're cowards. You know what I mean? So it is possible.
So in conclusion, what are you saying? I'd say dump his ass. Bye.
There you go. All right.
See that? All right. Now, you want to listen to me read out loud? Oh, God.
I know. It must be hilarious.
This fucking baby realizes that I'm not good at reading. What age do you think they're going to be? Fucking turn around, kind of look up at me like, mommy doesn't sound like this you'll be good at reading like children's stories

alright I walked

into that one alright here's some adult

advertising guess what

folks that's a podcast for this week's

this week's this week and I gotta

get the fuck out of here cause I gotta go to work

gotta go edit edit edit edit

edit edit so uh

that's it go fuck yourselves and I will check in on you on Thursday. What's up everybody.
Welcome back to the anything better podcast show NFL edition going into week number 14, uh, with your host, Paul Verzi, Bill Burr. We got the Greek freak producer and of course, Jake the snake on our injury report.
Before we get started with today's show, I got to shout out the BetMGM app, the BetMGM best lines out there guys. And if you use our code, that's Burr, B-U-R-R, you can, well, first of all, you got to download the app.
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I was lucky this week because I went 4-0. But one of them had me on the fucking.
One of them had me. actually, I just looked up.
You're almost four years in a row beating the book. This isn't luck at this point.
Well, we'll see. I'm only a couple – you know, I'm not fully up yet.
I got to be like 15 to 20 up. But anyway.
How far up are you? I think I'm 12 games above. Dude, that's fucking insane.
You went down like seven, eight games.

I was down eight.

I was down eight games after week five.

That's a 20-game turnaround, dude.

Yeah, well, you know.

Don't fucking play modest.

Hey, Bill.

I know you're walking around your house.

Paul Verde, modest Paul Verde.

I don't know that guy.

Bill, I got to tell you something.

I think it's going to put you in a good mood. You see the hat I'm wearing right now? Does it look familiar? This was the hat I threw off of my head on the 18th green in Vegas.
Oh my God. That was one of my favorite things ever.
The glasses first. You chipped in.
And then I hugged a stranger that I just met two hours early. He was your caddy.
He was your caddy. He was a caddy, but I hugged him from behind and screamed, yeah.
Paul, what's going on in New York? We were just talking about it. That CEO got fucking whacked.
Oh, my God, dude. You know what's funny? I was sitting there reading an article of a guy.
They go, oh, my God, he's such a great guy. He had yeah you know wife and kids and he's such a great guy and then if you find out he and the other guys he's working for are getting sued for 121 million dollars for dumping a stock and not letting the other people know it's like there's your motives dude anytime i hear ceo of one of the biggest health care it's like i i you don't wish it on anybody you feel horrible for his kids and his wife, of course.
But dude, when I saw that and I saw- What is more heartless than a fucking CEO of a corporation? The decision in healthcare, the decisions that they make, this is the thing. I'm not saying what happened should have happened, but I'm just, for them to be like, oh, this is like, why would anybody want to do this? It's like they're denying claims and people are dying.
The food supply is poison. It's like the fucking motive out there is wild.
It's right up there, Paul, with getting life insurance. The second you get life insurance, whoever is the beneficiary immediately has motive.
You are now worth such and such amount of money if you're not alive. And there you are talking.
That's the first time in my lifetime, in my lifetime where I saw surveillance of something that was like a fucking movie where the guy just stood out holding the gun, silencer hat, shot him and just went off. That was fucking wild to see.
My buddy who's a cop was like, did you see the surveillance? And when I saw him step out, I was like, is this real? That was nuts, dude. That was so funny.
Is this real? Paul, are you watching the world? I was just fucking Vladimir Putin. He's over there.
He's got like musk. He just, you fucking put the cologne on and all of a sudden you start breaking out and like three days later, you're dead.
It's fucking brutal. I thought the most disturbing thing about it was that they had survey camera surveillance of the guy from there all the way up to central park it's like what sort of big brother city is that it's yeah yeah and they yeah and then they got him in a bank now and they were like dude that's not the same fucking guy like different jacket different i don't think they know they they know.
They got to get him a cup of coffee. Well, this is the thing, Paul.
They did. The thing about those those murders is if there's no fucking connection to you, to you and the victim you've never met, you've never spoken, you have no priors or anything like that.
That's that you're in the wind. Like, I don't know how the fuck you would get that.
They got he's covered up like this. I don't know.
You know what's fucked up, Paul? I've been doing a bit in my act talking about how it was better when the mob was running shit because they were regulated simply because what they were doing was illegal. And I know that they were making a bunch of money but they couldn't be flashing around.
They had wars. They wh each other and shit and I was saying like how fucking great would it be to see like you know the head of fucking you know Walmart gets whacked by the head of the fucking Target guy have a nice old fashioned fucking war and just thin the herd and keep everybody honest but the problem is those guys are all on the legal side of stealing and all of those politicians they give the politicians heads up, and then they turn around, they make all these fucking money.
Andrew, what the fuck were you saying? Nancy Pelosi just made $9 million on some shit? They're gangsters, dude. Fucking gangsters.
And then when one of them gets whacked or something, they're like, oh, look good, he was such a good guy. It's a dirty game, Paul.
Health care. Health care.
Dirty game. It's a dirty game.
I tweeted last night. I go, the CEO of Aetna called a meeting today.
They're going to relook at some of those claims they denied. Jesus, dude.
Yeah. But so I heard an ex-military guy go, because two ex-military guys talked, and then John Walsh from America's Most Wanted talked.
John Walsh doesn't think it was a professional. This ex-military guy said the way he was standing and the way he held his gun was definitely some training involved.
But the weird thing was knowing the guy was going to be there at 6 a.m. in the morning, they said the dude knew he'd be there and the dude was there for hours.
But here's my question, Paul. Why is there this level of coverage? Somebody gets gunned down in New York every fucking day.
Now all of a sudden, all these experts have to weigh in? Yeah. That's because of the status.
We can't have white guys in suits getting whacked. Like we got to find this fucking guy.
Do that. Like that thing right there, dude.
That fucking right there. That sent a ripple shockwave.
Dude, Bill Clinton fucking got up from Epstein Island and said, what happened? I think the... No, no, he said, I think the record shows.
I think the record... No, no.
I'm saying, like, those people are all talking about it. Under their mountain or whatever.
That fucking thing, dude. They don't give a fuck.
Paul, if you came up and you whacked me because I fucking took your fucking whatever, your picks for the week, that's fucking page 19 of the post. You start whacking a fucking CEO when a white guy in a suit can't walk into a five-star fucking hotel without getting shot by a silencer.
Yeah, they get nervous. Yeah, dude.
That was, man. Yeah, it was insane.
I feel bad for his family and all of that type of stuff. I'm not saying that shit, but I'm sitting there, you know, I'm sitting there saying, I ain't going to make coffee here, Paul.
Oh, the lights come on. Gingers do not look good with overhead lighting.
Especially bald ones. I'm just saying, like, this thing that they're showing, the way they're spinning, how dangerous is New York that a white guy in a suit can't walk around? That's not why they're doing that, dude.
It's because, hey, that guy was making us a lot of fucking money. Dude, I bet all those Giuliani guys were going, dude, was that you? Did you call that?

Was that us? Was that us? Because I didn't hear on the meeting.

Am I next? Am I next?

Oh, dude, there was some scared.

They were all nervous going, wait a minute, wait a minute.

That's actually

a great point. Please tell me that was just some

random dude. That's a great point.

That was inside and I didn't know that that was happening?

I got a green light on me. He starts dying his hair again.
Yeah, man, that was, uh, I just feel, I just feel for the kids. That's all I give them.
I do too. And I feel for his wife.
And I also feel for that guy because I looked at his, his dumb face and I'm like, this guy just did this career. And it it's just as you're moving up and you're moving up, you hit more of your soul has to fucking go away.
That's a soulless fucking business, dude. Yeah.
Yeah. And I believe United is the biggest health care company in the world.
Dude, that's a big whacking. It's a big one.
I'm telling you, Paul, like they, you know, whatever they were talking about today, you know, in their big Illuminati meeting, that was definitely, you know, is there over there drinking virgin blood? Like, dude, you see that fucking CEO? Dude, you got to do a bit. That's a funny bit how guys are going, hey, like trying to feel their friends out.
Hey, did you see what happened? Is that us? That was us. Was that us? That's funny.
Hey, man, like I know that was kind of a public thing and you can't tell too many people,

but like, you know, I kind of thought I was in the circle.

I thought I was in the circle of trust.

Like at 730.

Hey, dude, you see the news this morning?

You don't even say what it was.

You just find that.

He goes to the Illuminati Mountain and he's got his pass card.

He says, please work.

Please work.

Please work.

He puts a card up. Fuck.
Dude, that's... Yeah, man, that's...
Look, I just want... Am I in or am I out? Okay.
I just want to know. That's why this show is the funniest.
It's the best. Paul, is there anything better than when you had a busy morning you didn't have coffee and you have the caffeine headache that first fucking sip i understand heroin oh i mean you're a different man from when we first logged on no but that's oh when i was driving oh and i took the wrong fucking highway to get over here well fuck i mean come on those those were some extreme uh that was lake effect snow the emotional version of that um yeah dude i was i was my buddy sent me that and they were and then the guys got it it's so funny how everybody knows everyone's dude his gun jammed three times i'm like well he fucking got he did what he had to do which is horrible nobody unjammed it i was talking to an ex-cot and he was talking about that going like, no, but he cleared it.
But then he was also saying, but like, would a pro have a fucking gun that, what is it, dirty or fucked up or whatever? I said, I don't know. Might have been one of those fucking stupid guns you make.
Who knows, Paul? But I got to tell you, this is the biggest whacking I feel since that fucking guy outside his farm steakhouse. But is this the first one you ever saw? What do you mean? I was saying before, I think this is the first whacking that you actually saw.
Like with Paul Castellano, there were no cameras. So you just saw his body.
It was the eighties. Yeah.
Cadillac converters. The fucking Cadillac was this big.
There was nowhere for him to hide. Yeah.
And you just saw like a hand. With all those crime videos, those mob, oh, mom, would you just see like fat fingers under a car? You don't see.
This was the first time I actually saw the guy walk up and do it, which was actually creepy to me to see that. Well, it should be.
Well, I don't watch any of those beheading videos. I never watch that shit.
No, no. I never watch that shit.
So... You know why I'll never get killed in the morning? Hey, because I'm sleeping, alright? You gotta wait till lunchtime to get me.
Now, wait a minute, Paul. He came home at 7 a.m., and you've been known to go till 9 a.m.
drinking. That's true.
No blow. No PEDs.
Not like these other guys that fucking... No.
No, no. I'll go...
I just picture a hitman trying to get me like, dude, this guy sleeps. Is this the one? They would know, though.
They would be watching you. They'd be like, alright, he gets up at fucking 11.31 every day.
He stands in front of his mirror.

I love that your daughter does that impression of you.

My son and daughter.

My whole family.

They do the mouth.

They do the whole fucking thing.

God forbid, dude.

God forbid.

You know what's creepy?

Is that guy new days before? Like I'm going to New York. That's what's wild.
But yeah, dude, there's motive with healthcare. Paul, I'm going to tell you something.
It's like all of these, the corporations that profit off of war, these people that have covered things up, these corporations that have killed people, all of those people, there's motive for all of that. It's just, they got it all fucking sewed up where CNN and Fox News, they never rat those guys out, ever, ever.
They never talk about that shit. They'll go political, they'll fuck over, you know, oh my God, Joe Biden's son, he's pardoning fucking Joe Biden.
How dumb is that? How dumb is the right-wing outrage that? It's so fucking stupid. It's like your guy is going to go in and pardon himself.
Oh, it's just like your team cheats. Mine doesn't.
It's so dumb. It's the dude.
If my son beat somebody to death in a fucking Macy's and I'm the president, he's walking. He's walking.
I don't know.

No, I would say he's getting mentally ill. We got to do something about it.

We'll put them away somewhere. I'll get a protective custody, but you know,

my kid kills somebody. No, you can't have, you can't have that.

You can't have that out there. No, no.

And I got to walk away from you. Yeah.

I have no fucking. Yeah.
Yeah. Andrew.
Let's get into the picks here. I believe it's week 14, which means – is it Bill's pick? It's Bill's pick, I believe.
Yes, Bill, it's your pick. I thought I picked first last week.
What did I just do? What did I just do? All's all the picks are over here. Andrew, are you there?

Yes.

Did Bill go first last week?

You know, you guys had swapped it once.

I'm trying to remember.

You were due.

Bill was going first this year, which is odd.

So, but then you had swapped this.

I think, I think.

You went for it.

Give a guy a chance here.

Yeah. Yeah.

Bill.

Bill.

The fucking Lions winning by 20 points and then almost losing the game. No game's ever over, Paul.
Watch all those commercials. Andrew, I need the lines up if you can.
And we have no Jake the Snake? Yeah, true. We got Jake.
Oh, there he is. Jake, what's going on? Jake, I was wondering if you had one of your bitches in there.
What movie? What movie?

Come on, guys. What movie?

I know exactly what...

He's talking to what's-his-face.

Stacks. Yes.

Sam Jackson. He goes, I thought you had one of your

bitches in here. He goes, I did.

Shit, where'd she go?

The way he says bitches, you can tell how racist

his character is.

I thought you had one of your bitches in here. Jake, what do we got? Any injuries, big ones other than McCaffrey? Yeah, no big ones.
Trevor Lawrence is out for the year for the Jags after that hit he took last week. And then Christian McCaffrey is also out for the year.
His season is over after the injury he had against Buffalo. And then

the good news is Matt Stafford, there's

a report saying he sprained his ankle, but he

practiced fully yesterday, so he's going to be

out there. So those are the big ones that I

saw. Underrated Hall

of Fame career and great career, Matt

Stafford. Yeah, for sure.
Super Bowl champion.

Underrated on this

podcast, Jake the Snake.

I mean, Jake comes in, look, Jake comes in and he just gives you the goods right out of the gate. He's backlit.
I always loved that he's backlit, like he's some holy deity. And then you know what he does, Paul? He brings a professionalism.
He's got the aura behind him. He is.
We're going to lose him to ESPN any day now. I just want to say, you know, it's a kid's day.
Go get the bag, all right? It's going to be Stephen A. Smith yelling.
You wrap that thing, Jake. You stay away from them who is.
It's going to be Stephen A. Smith yelling, and then Jake just going, I disagree.
I would be heartbroken if I saw Stephen A. Smith yelling at Jake.
Jake, are you out of your mind? Jake's like, I want to go back to anything better. But I was feeling Stephen A.
Smith is kind of cartoony upset. It's that other guy.
Flip. Flip.
Skip. Oh, Skip.
Skip. Skip Stevenson.
What's his name? Skip Bayless. Skip, yeah, that fucking guy.
It's just like I would be surprised if he didn't watch the sports. No, he got fired from everywhere.
Andrew, can you put the lines up? Wait, Skip Bayless got fired? Well, he got fired from ESPN. They didn't renew his first take contract.
They didn't renew his first take contract, and Shannon Sharp left him because he didn't. I mean, the guy, you know, the guy's a mess.
Shannon Sharp, that was the smartest move ever because, you know, there was only so long Shannon could handle a skip in his life before he'd have assault charges. I don't know how you could sit across as a man who played the game at the level that he did, talking to some little shit named Skip in a fucking suit who was telling me he didn't know what you were talking about.
I mean, the level of patience that Shannon showed, it was a level of maturity, that's what they say. Hey, Paul, guess what game's sticking out to me because I don't know shit about football anymore.
I'm going to take the Dolphins. Oh.
Lay in. Lay in.
What did I do last week? Did I go 0-4 mercifully? Was it a two behind the year? No, you won. You definitely won one, I saw.
One and three. Yeah! Hell yeah.
You know what I'm on this show for, Paul, is to give people realistic expectations. Andrew Themless, a rare one and three for Themless.
Jake the Snake, two and two. Jake the Snake, holding 500.
Dude, what's his face? Andrew is stealthily. He's running right there with you.
And you know what it is, Paul? But everybody talks about you because you're in the New York market. Andrew's feed is in the middle of L.A., so nobody cares.
And there's Paul, you know, all Sicilian. He's got the hat.
Pie Cutlets. It writes itself.
Somebody got flat right on the screen from you. It's fucking exciting.
All right. I'm not taking the Dolphins lane six.
Fuck that. Fuck that.
What do you got? I'll tell you what I got, Paul. I got nothing.
I'm just looking at whoever's got a plus sign. I'm not going to lie.
I hate this week. Really tough week.
This is a tough week. Oh, you guys are bitches.
What are we doing? We're picking numbers there. Come on.
I don't like it, man. I got a bad feeling about this one, Sarge.
I would go with the – I just love Baker Mayfield. I fucking love that guy.
He's a winner. He proved Colin Cowherd wrong time and time again.
And we're still waiting for him to apologize, and he hasn't. Therefore, I'm taking Baker Mayfield, laying six and a half at home, against the Raiders.
I do love the Ra Raiders though. Somewhere along the line, Paul, I became a big Raiders fan.
Why is I not around their fans? I'm a big Raider fan. I'm going to take the Cardinals at home, minus two and a half against the Seahawks.
I just don't think the Seahawks are that good. And if the game was in Seattle, I may not do it with this line.
But at home, I think the Cardinals can win by three. I'm going to take the Cardinals.
All right. I'm going to go Monday night, Paul.
And I'm going to take the Cowboys, plus six and a half. That's the shit show that is the Cowboys.

I'm going to take them plus six and a half,

because that's a classic fucking game where you're like,

Joe Burrow's going to come in there.

The Cowboys are a fucking mess.

He's going to throw it all over the yard.

Yeah, he's going to do that in the first half,

and then inexplicably the Cowboys are going to come back and cover.

Sorry, I'm a little fucking, I'm a little hurt this week

with what the Lions did to me. Not only did they do it to me, I got no phone call from that organization going up by 20 points, making me all excited.
You know, the Lions play the Packers tonight and the Packers are getting three and a half and I just don't want to touch it. I don't know why, because the Lions are at home.
I just don't like it, but I'll tell you what. Maybe you want to enjoy your Thursday night.
I'll tell you what I do like. I'll tell you what I do like.
This is the one game I looked at and I go, maybe. I'm going to take the Chargers getting four against the Chiefs in Kansas City.
I think everybody and their mother thinks the Chiefs are going to win this game. And they may win the game.
I like the four points. And I think the Chargers need to hang with them to show that they could go on a little run.
Who knows? Jim Harbaugh likes these kind of games. He gets his guys up for these kind of games.
I'm expecting a big game from Justin Herbert. I got the Chargers on the road, dude.
The Raiders lost that game. The Raiders weren't.
The quarterback wasn't looking at the snap or the game's over. I like the Chargers.
Alright. I'm just feeling suicidal this week, so I'm going to fucking take the Panthers.
Oh! They burned me bad last week. I can't even say this without laughing.
I'm going to take the Panthers. Getting 12 and a half against that fucking head case in his team.
Saquon Barkley, who's just playing like a frigging superhero. And I just feel like they come out and they fucking stomp the shit out of him in the first fucking half.
And then they just sort of crawl back and they're going to cover. There's no sports show that gives picks funnier than this.
It just doesn't exist. Dude, that fucking guy.
Old Nicky down there.

Old Nicky voices.

You want to know why?

When Nick puts his head on the pillow

at night, Paul, it takes a lot of

fucking pharmaceutical work

to get that fucking brain to go to

Nicky voices.

You're not good enough. Yes, I am.

I am good enough.

He's just arguing with himself as his wife's rubbing his head no other show will start laughing before a pick it's great um all right let me see here i used to know a club owner that looked like him when he fucking uh i'm not gonna say who's way back it was a satellite room but when he had his fucking winter hat on and he looked at the camera and did that fucking nod that was like i was just like this guy's he's he's insane did they take this guy out of a casino like who does who does that as a coach when he was going like and he looked at the thing yeah no he nodded vigorously like you know like those fucking non-athletic fat fucks in the crowd and the game's about to start and they're going and they're nodding because they saw a blue chip wide receiver do it and now they've got their man tits fucking jiggling like, oh fuck, is the guy in seat 28A, is he amped up? Remember he looked at the fans and he goes, see ya! When they won were yelling i love that because paul you gotta understand in life it's never about what somebody says it's the subtext yeah it's just what what they were saying to him was so like lining up to what the voices in his head say. Okay? And then he wasn't yelling at them.

He was yelling at his inner turmoil.

No, you called Rex Ryan, dude.

You called Rex Ryan like week five of that,

four of that guy's career, you called him.

Dude, listen, game recognizes game.

Okay?

I can spot somebody out of their fucking mind struggling. As they're smiling for a family photo.
I'm like, that guy's barely hanging on. I feel you.
You want a cup of coffee? You want to dump your day on me? Because I know your wife's sick of hearing it. Just fucking unload it.
Dude, you called him early and were right. I know, and if he wasn't head coach of the Jets and we weren't rivals, there still was a part of me rooting for him because, you know, I just you know, I see, I just fucking you needed a hug.
Go out there and show them we're the best fucking team in this fucking, fucking league and he's dropping all those F-bombs, trying to just try it. We're going to go out there and kick the fucking shit out of him.
That's what we're going to do. And it was just.
We're going to show all these sports writers that I'm just as good as my dad.

Even though he was too busy coaching football to hunt me or my brother.

Imagine if he did that.

He's like, we're going to go and kick the shit out of him.

Now the meeting's over.

And he just went in his office and he sat down and went like this.

Dude, that's an SNL sketch.

Remember subliminal, man?

You just have the subtext guy right next to him. Hey, man, you ready for this? Absolutely.
The guy's like, dude, I am shitting myself right now. If I could go into a closet right now and just cry and have a robot do this job for me, I think I would feel better.
Oh, my God. All right, I'm done.
No, no, that's – all right, well, I got to pick game three here. I'm thinking, Jake the Snake, what are the Bears' record, Chicago's record? I think they're still stuck on four wins.
They've got – they had a couple tough losses in a row to every team in the division division. Pretty historic, but yeah, I think they're like everything that comes out of Jake's mouth, the tone, the delivery.
I just, it's just, it's amazing. It is.
I'm going to take the Atlanta Falcons. I'm going to take the Atlanta Falcons getting five and a half against the Vikings.
I, I, Kirk cousins, they're going to be in that game. And I like it.
I like getting five and a half against the Vikings. Kirk Cousins,

they're going to be in that game.

And I like it. I like the five and a

half too. All right.

Hey, Andrew, on this next one, can you

play some music underneath me when I go

to pick it? Can you play that

song? Make a wish, baby.

Are you gonna take the

points? Make a wish baby Paul How the fuck does Alabama get in with three losses Oh my god What do they have to fucking do What does Alabama have On these fucking guys They wouldn't even Listen I going big here. They wouldn't even let Ohio State in with three fucking losses.
Even Ohio State Buckeye fans would be like, all right, it wasn't our best fucking year. Dude, I'm telling you, man, that is old money.
That's plantation money, Paul. Can I say this? I have to say that that Michigan-Ohio State game was the worst played football game

and worst quarterback play I've ever seen on any level in my entire life.

Not true, but it had the greatest results.

That wasn't the worst game you've ever seen.

Come on.

No, quarterback play, dude.

I've never seen it.

I mean, one guy had eight completion.

I mean, it was terrible, man.

Well, Michigan didn't have a quarterback all year.

Yeah.

You didn't see Dave Portnoy running out of his house, dying. That was the funniest shit ever.
Yeah. He loves Michigan.
Well, yeah, he went there. Oh my God, dude.
Like, can you imagine not only do you fucking lose, you got to listen to Dave Portnoy just crashing you. Laughing.
I think it's the happiest I've ever seen the guy. And then he jumped in his pool.
I mean, that was, he was Oh, I missed that part. That was his Super Bowl.
That was his Super Bowl. Oh, it's fucking great.
That fucking video is... It's just why it's so...
Why do we care? But I relate it to the whole thing. I was so happy for him.
But if he was a Buckeye fan, I'd be like, fuck this guy. There's just something about Buckeye fans.
They're just cunts. All right.
I don't like anybody who's more whiny than me. I think that that's my issue with them.
All right. The Bills going into the Rams.
The Rams getting three and a half. I'm going to take the Rams getting three and a half, Paul.
This is the opposite week. Oh.
Because I feel like Josh Allen's going to go in there, right?

He's going to go.

Dude, this is what's fucking hilarious.

I saw this fucking thing.

Some lady, like he just got engaged.

So, you know, I'm scrolling through and it's a football thing.

So all of a sudden there was some lady there talking about his ex-girlfriend

and some shady thing she tweeted about his engagement.

And I swear to God, she goes, okay, guys, there's a lot to unpack here. And I was like, is there? Why do you give a fuck about his ex-girlfriend? I know.
Did you see what she said? No, and I don't give a fuck. Let me guess.
It was just because it was about CTE. She was like, good luck with this CTE stricken guy.
She's like, I'd rather date an owner anyway. Some and people are like the youngest owner in the league is like 52 when he's married like what owner of what are you talking about and then she said she got hacked and she said oh i got hacked i think you hacked yourself and i think with that tweet you probably said why the guy broke up with you that just sounded like that sounds like an absolute nightmare well just motivated by money but i'm trying to stay on topic here is the fact that somebody who doesn't know anybody involved is does a deep dive like you know something andrew you got married right i i never thought to look into your past.

You know what I mean?

Lots on back here.

Well, you wait. When Jake the Snake finally gets fucking married,

you watch all his exes

are going to be throwing...

Jake lets them down easy.

Imagine that.

We're on a conference call without Jake

going, dude, his injury reports haven't been the same. Is he all right? What's going on? Is he just slipping? I met somebody.
Jake is just slipping. There's a chick in the background grabbing stuff.
Somebody takes his cell phone picture. He's got a Hawaiian shirt and a cigar and two fucking whores.
Jake, come on, man. We're not saying you can't have fun, but you got to come back.
You know? You can do the podcast from the poolside. It's like the last dance when Rodman went to Vegas.
Mike's like, he's not coming back. Like, we have to knock on his door.
Jake's bitch is wearing jimmies. Oh, fuck, Mike.
Mike, my laptop's going to die here. What do you got, Paul? All right.
All right. All right, man.
I'm going to go. I'm going to take the Chicago Bears getting four in San Francisco.
You know, I think if San Francisco needs to win so bad, I think if they win, it's by a field goal. McCaffrey is out.
It just seems like they're going down. I hate to say that every week to Niner fans, but let's just see.
This is literally the last hurrah. Who's arguing with you? Who's arguing with you? You had a 20-game fucking turnaround.
I haven't seen a turnaround like this since Clemens went to the fucking Blue Jays. That guy was a donut-eating fucking son of a bitch in 96, and then he goes over there, and all of a sudden, he's fucking yoked, Paul.
Hey. With the back-to-back Cy Youngs.
He got in the gym. A lot of miracle supplements out there.
Hey, you know what I mean? But you got to know the right ones. You still got to do the work, Paul.
You still got to be in the gym splitting your slacks, doing the squats. All right, let's do the Monday night special.
I agree with Bill. I agree with Bill.
I like the Cowboys getting six and a half at home at Jerry's World. I think they got to at least be competitive, so I like the points.
They got that stiff at quarterback, though. I swear to God, do I all rush? Oh, my God.
He should have mannequin hair. Sorry, that was totally funny to me.
There was something about him. He just looked like a Lego.
He's wearing a suit in a store window. All right, so we're going to go.
We getting six and a half. Over-under is 49 and a half.
Oh, gosh. Over-under is 49 and a half.
Go under? Andrew's going to go under. I don't know.
Don't listen to me. But I just – what are they going to do? Unless it's just an offensive game.
The under has hurt this show. Cowboys, the under.
We're basically saying you guys are going to watch a boring game here. Cowboys, the under, and Joe Burrow to throw one.
Let's do that. All right.
There you go, everybody. Those are our picks.
Bill has the Panthers getting plus 12.5. He's got the Buccaneers minus 6.5.
He's got the Rams plus 3.5, and he's got the Cowboys plus 6.5. Your boys got the Falcons plus 5.5, the Cardinals minus 2.5, the Bears plus 4, and the Chargers plus 4.
Those are our picks for the week. You could go on and see Jake the Snakes

and Andrew Themless's picks. Thank you guys so much.
I can't believe the season's basically

almost over, guys. We got three more of these and it's a wrap.
It happened like that. The college

playoff is coming up, Paul. You're not even going to watch the last three weeks of the fucking NFL.

It's going to be unbelievable. The college playoff with 12 teams is amazing.

March Madness in December. March Madness of football.
March Madness of football? You sound like you were in a booth. Paul, give me three reads.
March Madness of football. March Madness of football? All right, give me one more.
March Madness of football. One more.
More intense. I need it.
Really sell it this time. All right, guys, go to the BetMGM app and download the app.
Of course, here at the show, we want you guys to have fun, bet responsibly. By the way, thanks to all the listeners and everybody saying that this show is kind of making some people money and we really appreciate you guys following us and watching us.
But be responsible. Don't bet like a douche.
Have a good time about it. Download the app and use our code, the BRRR, B-U-R-R, very easy.
You put up to $10 in there and you guys can get bonus bets. If the bet loses, you'll get 1,500 in bonus bets after your original wager is settled.
They also have the first touchdown. You pick a player to get the first touchdown of any NFL game.
If that doesn't happen and you get the second touchdown, you'll get your cash back.

All right. So there you go.
Have a good time with it. There's only a few more weeks of this.

Enjoy it. And we will see you next time.
Oh, real quick announcement. New Year's Eve, guys.

New Year's Eve. I just added Levity Live in West Nyack, New York.
It's the same room I did my

Netflix special in. Two shows, 7 and 10 o's the same room I did my Netflix special in.

Two shows,

seven and ten o'clock.

And go to paulverzi.com

for everything else.

And we'll see you guys next week.

We'll see you guys next week.

Make a wish, baby.

All right.

We'll see you.

All right. Thank you.