Thursday Afternoon Monday Morning Podcast 12-5-24

Speaker 1 Give it up for Chicago.

Speaker 2 Sebastian Maniscalco's new stand-up special, It Ain't Right, is coming to Hulu on November 21st.

Speaker 1 30 years ago, Jeff Bezos, complete nerd. Bezos now ripped to shreds on his super yacht, and the boxes keep coming.

Speaker 2 Sebastian Maniscalco, It Ain't Right, premieres November 21st, streaming on Hulu and Hulu on Disney Plus for bundle subscribers. Terms apply.

Speaker 3 Hey, what's going on? It's Bill Burr. It's time for the Thursday afternoon just before Friday, Monday morning podcast.
And I'm just checking in.

Speaker 3 Checking in on you.

Speaker 3 What's going on? How are you?

Speaker 3 Oh my god, it's the fucking holiday season and I haven't even shopped yet. I have yet to open my computer and go onto Amazon and click on things.
When will I find the time?

Speaker 3 Let me tell you you, young people, something. Dude, you never would have survived Christmas shopping in the 80s when I was a kid.

Speaker 3 These fucking generation, whatever they are, oh my god, they couldn't fucking handle the 80s.

Speaker 3 Trying to go buy somebody a fucking itchy sweater while fighting the urge to go to Pewder Pot and get yourself a muffin.

Speaker 3 That's what the fucking streets were like

Speaker 3 out in the suburbs with the malls.

Speaker 3 That's what's wrong with this fucking country, man. That's why everybody's so fucking soft is because you can do your Christmas shopping at home.
Do you have any idea, man?

Speaker 3 Why does everybody think when they grew up was so fucking difficult? Somebody was just commenting on that fucking CEO who got whacked in New York. And somebody wrote, this is Chicago.

Speaker 3 New York is Chicago in the 1930s. It's like, no, it isn't.
Nobody's dying of syphilis. All right?

Speaker 3 And nobody goes to jail for tax evasion.

Speaker 3 Unless you have no money.

Speaker 3 You could never have survived Chicago in the 1930s. Plenty of pussies lived in Chicago in the 1930s.
They were called accountants and they did fine.

Speaker 3 Stop acting like everybody had a fucking Tommy gun and they were working for Capone. They weren't.
There was plenty of fucking... There was nerds back then.

Speaker 3 There's always been nerds. There was browbeating men.

Speaker 3 Okay?

Speaker 3 Just stop it with this.

Speaker 3 I will say, though,

Speaker 3 Christmas shopping in the fucking 80s. Oh my God.

Speaker 3 Oh my God. Oh my lord.
You'd go down to the mall and it would, the people were parking on the grass.

Speaker 3 And it was so. fucking

Speaker 3 stupid.

Speaker 3 Everybody going down there. I got all these people in my life, and I have to go buy them shit.

Speaker 3 And that was the 80s. Guess where all that shit is now? It's out in the fucking ocean.

Speaker 3 All of that fucking, all your parachute pants, all your sweats by EB, BBB, whatever the fucking those things were called. Remember those?

Speaker 3 They were literally slacks that they put like a different colored stripe down the side. And every white kid who thought he could break dance had to go out and go get him.

Speaker 3 So so they could be the suburban white b-boy i i kept it real i always had the fucking levites not because i didn't no no no no no no i had the maroon ones with the gray stripe

Speaker 3 but then what would happen is if you forgot to tie them you'd get fucking pants as you were walking up the stairs someone would come behind you of course when the prettiest girl that you had a crush on was on they'd grab your pants and fucking yank them down

Speaker 3 oh the humiliation and you know what there was no cell phones there was no security cameras. Nothing to fucking record it.
So it was your word against the bully. And then if you told on him, you know,

Speaker 3 then you were the one who went to the teacher and fucking, you were a tattletale.

Speaker 3 Nobody said you were a rat out in the suburbs.

Speaker 3 That was a fucking

Speaker 3 inner city thing. And then enough movies came out where they were saying, this guy, we got a fucking rat in the house.

Speaker 3 I got a bad feeling.

Speaker 3 I think this guy's eating cheese, if you know what I mean. Are you saying he's a rat? I'm saying he's a fucking rat.
I don't know if he, I don't know who the rat is.

Speaker 3 We got a fucking rat in the house.

Speaker 3 All right, this is what I want you to do. I want you to go out to fucking lunch with Mikey, okay?

Speaker 3 It's fucking hot out. If he shows up with another long-sleeve shirt, don't even pat him down.
Just shoot him in the fucking head.

Speaker 3 That's what happened at the food court and the malls when I was growing up, and you had to walk around the blood splatter,

Speaker 3 all right,

Speaker 3 to go buy somebody donkey kong

Speaker 3 um i will tell you the the christmas shopping though was a fucking shit show

Speaker 3 it was a shit show like

Speaker 3 i don't even know how to describe it

Speaker 3 just it was like leaving

Speaker 3 just imagine the crowd leaving a football game

Speaker 3 Okay,

Speaker 3 after a big victory. Not a big victory, whatever.

Speaker 3 I don't even know what the the outcome is, but everybody's just leaving.

Speaker 3 Okay, but nobody's leaving. They're just walking around, and they're just, everybody's going in.
It's not like everybody's walking towards a parking lot. Everybody's walking against one another

Speaker 3 to go in and buy shit that nobody fucking needs.

Speaker 3 I get it. I remember a long time ago, I worked with this comedian.

Speaker 3 And he just said, Christmas is for the kids.

Speaker 3 You know what I mean?

Speaker 3 But the problem is, is you get married, right?

Speaker 3 If you're smart,

Speaker 3 okay,

Speaker 3 as a man, you're gay and you marry a dude.

Speaker 3 Okay, because if you're a man and you marry a woman, that's another child you have to buy a gift for.

Speaker 3 Oh, we're not even five minutes in.

Speaker 3 He's drawing the line.

Speaker 3 I will tell you this. I'll tell you what.

Speaker 3 If I got absolutely nothing for Christmas, it would be the greatest Christmas ever.

Speaker 3 You know what I mean?

Speaker 3 You ever have that conversation with your conversation with your lady, with your lady friend? You go, what do you want for Christmas? And you're like, nothing. I'm good.

Speaker 3 And then they're like, oh, come on.

Speaker 3 You got to want something.

Speaker 3 Nothing, really?

Speaker 3 You don't want anything? Right? They just keep fucking doing that shit. And it's just like, listen, you don't want to get me anything.

Speaker 3 This is just the guilt because you know that you're making me buy something. Like you're fucking seven years old and you still think some fat fucking white guy is coming down the chimney there.

Speaker 3 All right? There's no fat guy coming down the chimney. All right? The fat guy's already in bed.
And guess what? You married it.

Speaker 3 And just because you did, that was your mistake, doesn't mean I got to buy you fucking shit.

Speaker 3 this is what i want to know is there what percentage of men have the

Speaker 3 balls

Speaker 3 to say this holiday seed it's the holiday season

Speaker 3 and guess what i don't want nothing and i ain't getting you shit because it's all fucking made up yeah so i ran out of words and i had to end with yeah

Speaker 3 This is like, you know, the first pass at the track. We kind of like the melody.
We like some of the lyrics, but there was some word that stuck out. Holiday? No.

Speaker 3 Doobie-doobie-doo? No.

Speaker 3 Was it? Yeah. Yeah, that's what it was.
Can we take that out? Okay.

Speaker 3 It's the holiday season, and I ain't getting you shit, because I don't need it, and that's the fucking deal, and ba-bib-ba-da-ba-da-ba. Okay.

Speaker 3 All right, we're getting there. We're getting there.
Okay is better than yeah. No, no, no, no.
This is the process. This is the process.
Stay positive, staying up, staying up.

Speaker 3 All right, let's do another take. Get some more fucking tensile in there.
He's losing his confidence.

Speaker 3 That was a Christmas recording that you guys never heard before. Right here

Speaker 3 on the Thursday afternoon, just before Friday, Monday morning podcast. Who is the fucking

Speaker 3 gonads?

Speaker 3 To say

Speaker 3 to your wife, just be like, listen, I have an idea this

Speaker 3 Christmas. And they're like, really? What? And then they pull their feet up off the floor and they sit like fucking Indian style,

Speaker 3 you know, or maybe they do the side saddle. What? You have an idea? Oh my god, he cares.
He's thinking about me.

Speaker 3 No, me. The yeah comes when they're complaining.
He's thinking about me.

Speaker 3 But when they're upset with you, they add the yeah.

Speaker 3 No, I'm talking about me.

Speaker 3 Um,

Speaker 3 no.

Speaker 3 Um, if you have the fucking balls to say, like, listen, what are we doing?

Speaker 3 We're such and such age.

Speaker 3 Why put ourselves through this shit?

Speaker 3 I don't want anything.

Speaker 3 Okay?

Speaker 3 And

Speaker 3 I believe in a balance of power in the relationship, which means, you know, if I'm not getting anything, then you don't have to get anything.

Speaker 3 And our gift to each other is we get to keep that fucking money in our pocket and we don't have to waste a second of our fucking life

Speaker 3 thinking

Speaker 3 about what stupid ass fucking thing. Rio,

Speaker 3 but I want to use it. I don't want it.
No, no, we're not doing this anymore.

Speaker 3 Why? Why, yeah?

Speaker 3 I'll tell you why, yeah. Because it's not an even trade.

Speaker 3 Because all your shit costs way more than my shit.

Speaker 3 Because the fucking guys who make shit for men know that we have no power in the fucking relationship, right? And

Speaker 3 they also know that, like, if we don't get you what you want, you're going to withhold so they can fucking jack up the price.

Speaker 3 So it's not a fair trade. It's not a good.

Speaker 3 Can you imagine that? Can you imagine if you got some fucking sick ass thing every year?

Speaker 3 And then you came at her with like socks

Speaker 3 or some musk, whatever the dumbass shit is that they get for us.

Speaker 3 What do you want for Christmas? Ah, the day off? I'd be like that. Maybe a couple, two, three days of just fucking sitting here staring at the wall, trying to figure out how another 12 months went by.

Speaker 3 And I still haven't figured out what the meaning of all of this shit is. What about Jesus?

Speaker 3 All of these fucking, the whole fucking year, politicians, country singers, bad shit, crazy people on fucking social media,

Speaker 3 plural media.

Speaker 3 What the fuck did they do? Huh? You don't need to. Relax.
The answer's coming.

Speaker 3 What do they talk about? They talk about Jesus.

Speaker 3 You know?

Speaker 3 And how he's coming and how he's fucking... You got to surrender and you got to admit that you don't know shit and this fucking hippie's going to come down.

Speaker 3 You know why Jesus hasn't come back yet? Because he's a fucking lazy hippie.

Speaker 3 If he had a fucking man's hair cut high and tight, okay, he would have came back sometime during World War II, I would have thought. Would have paid the fucking Nazis a visit.

Speaker 3 The fuck is my point here? Yeah, they don't talk, all of a sudden, it's all Jesus, all the fucking time until right around Thanksgiving. And then all of a sudden, they do the fucking bait and switch.

Speaker 3 The whole fucking year, they scare the shit out of you, telling you that this fucking dude is coming back and you need to repent, and all the fucking bad shit you did is going to come back, and you're going to burn forever.

Speaker 3 And the fucking Dante's Inferno, whatever the fuck it is, right?

Speaker 3 And then the second his birthday comes up,

Speaker 3 right? You want to talk about somebody who doesn't get shit for his birthday. How about Jesus? Well, he's dead, right? Well, I thought he came back.
They never talk about that.

Speaker 3 Three days later, he came back, and then where did he go?

Speaker 3 Is there a third part of the Bible they don't have?

Speaker 3 He was born miraculously.

Speaker 3 God was the baby dad.

Speaker 3 Somebody did an Instagram on that. Joseph, you are not the father.

Speaker 3 And then Joseph was running around the fucking...

Speaker 3 How relieved was he? I mean, they were living in a barn, right?

Speaker 3 Packed in a barn. That must have been at least a studio apartment.

Speaker 3 Let me tell you something right now: you never would have fucking survived back in the day in the barn during the Noel season.

Speaker 3 The fucking three kings coming up. They had a lot of fucking nerve, didn't they? Living in castles and then fucking showing up at a barn,

Speaker 3 acting like the world was fair.

Speaker 3 What happened to him? So he dies, he gets crucified for you,

Speaker 3 all right? For everybody. He dies for our sins, and then what happens?

Speaker 3 He comes back three days later,

Speaker 3 and everybody's like, Holy shit.

Speaker 3 You know,

Speaker 3 I thought those street

Speaker 3 musicians, magicians, I thought those street magicians were amazing, levitating on the sidewalk, making people of color run away as white people try to figure out how to turn it into a weapon that they can use.

Speaker 3 You know, it really is funny how corny white people are depicted in so many comedies. And then you look at what the fuck we're doing around the world.

Speaker 3 It's pretty.

Speaker 3 I don't understand what's going on there.

Speaker 3 Anyway, plowing ahead,

Speaker 3 what happened? He fucking, then he dies and he comes back. Guess who's back? Back again.
Jesus back. Tell a friend.
Guess who's back? Guess who's back?

Speaker 3 And he pushes the fuck. Sorry, I just got off a flight.
I'm in a fucking weird book.

Speaker 3 He fucking pushes the rock back.

Speaker 3 Did he? Did he push the rock back? Did he have the fucking.

Speaker 3 He had more of a yoga body. I don't see him fucking moving a rock.
Oh, he's Jesus. He went,

Speaker 3 the fucking thing just moved out of the way, right? And then Jesus comes back. And everybody was like, oh, shit.
You're not going to believe all I was. Man, you didn't fucking see.

Speaker 3 I swear to God I did.

Speaker 3 He was fucking, I touched the wound on his side.

Speaker 3 And the guy was like, gross. Well, I had to tell it was him.
You know, this is a long time ago. There's no forensic expert.
What am I supposed to take his fingerprints? What put his hand in the sand?

Speaker 3 Second blows, the wind goes, I lose.

Speaker 3 It was his idea.

Speaker 3 So then he comes back, he freaks out all his friends.

Speaker 3 How come he didn't go back and visit the people that stuck him on the cross?

Speaker 3 So you thought you were going to get rid of me, didn't you?

Speaker 3 How come he didn't go to the puke rooms in fucking Rome?

Speaker 3 As they were sitting there, high-fiving, oh, yeah, we showed that fucking hippie a thing of two saying he's the son. What the fuck are you doing here?

Speaker 3 Sorry, puke room. What the fuck are you doing here? Here? Here? Here?

Speaker 3 It's really weird. He died, and then three days later, he came back, and then they don't talk about anything more about the guy's fucking life.
And then, like,

Speaker 3 we're still waiting for him to come back again.

Speaker 3 He's kind of like a one-hit wonder when it comes to returning from the dead, right?

Speaker 3 He's sort of like Eddie Rabbit

Speaker 3 of the prophets. Ooh, I'm driving my life away.
This guy's got a catchy country pop sound.

Speaker 3 Whatever happened to Eddie Rabbit,

Speaker 3 whatever happened to the guy that told him, you know what your last name should be?

Speaker 3 We got to get rid of this,

Speaker 3 you know,

Speaker 3 you can't be Eddie Horowitz. All right, we're trying to sell country music.
They don't go for your kind down there, if you know what I mean.

Speaker 3 We gotta, we got something else, something they can relate to.

Speaker 3 How about a rabbit?

Speaker 3 You know,

Speaker 3 they're always out there shooting those fucking things. Eddie Rabbit.

Speaker 3 He goes from Jewish to Eddie Rabbit. They're still going to fucking shoot at me.

Speaker 3 It's just, anyway.

Speaker 3 I went ahead. This is just me stressing because I have all of this fucking work to do and

Speaker 3 I got a fucking Christmas shop.

Speaker 3 And the funny thing is, is I don't.

Speaker 3 I don't have to get anybody anything. And neither do you.
You are totally in control to not get into this war of the worlds hysteria that happens every stupid fucking.

Speaker 3 I get it at the F kids.

Speaker 3 All right?

Speaker 3 Honey. Honey.

Speaker 3 I think

Speaker 3 next year we should be more adult.

Speaker 3 Oh, I like that. All right.
Well, it's starting now. We're both too old for Christmas.
Okay?

Speaker 3 Let's just not buy each other anything.

Speaker 3 How about that?

Speaker 3 How about that?

Speaker 3 Well, what's the purpose of me being with you if I don't get stuff every once in a while? Every once in a while. How about every couple of fucking months?

Speaker 3 You know what they should make women do? You know that little Yahtzee cup that they have?

Speaker 3 Put the fucking one dice in there. And on one side it says Valentine's Day.
The other side it says birthday. The other side it says Mother's Day.
And the other side it says Christmas.

Speaker 3 And then the other two sides say you lose.

Speaker 3 And then she rolls the dice. And whatever pops up is the only time of that year you got to get a gift.
And if she gets you lose, then that's it.

Speaker 3 She gets nothing that year.

Speaker 3 Okay, then you'll see how much she loves you.

Speaker 3 Just out of curiosity, would you love me if, would you still love me?

Speaker 3 Would you still love me if I didn't buy you shit? Right, would they?

Speaker 3 Would you?

Speaker 3 Yeah, I mean, you got to think of the 1800s.

Speaker 3 It was fucking Valentine's Day. You walked out of your love cabin and you grabbed a fucking handful of daisies.
Here you go, fucking Jezebel, whatever your fucking name is. Here you go, Clementine.

Speaker 3 All right.

Speaker 3 Now, what say we make another farmhand?

Speaker 3 And that was their life.

Speaker 3 How come they got away with it back then, but we can't get away with that now? You know why? It's not because of corporate America. It's because back then you could fucking put your hands on a woman.

Speaker 3 You could give her a nice fuck. What did you fucking ask me? What did you want?

Speaker 3 You want a three-legged stool you want me to go over and dig out that tree stump and make you a three three-legged stool get your fucking ass over here

Speaker 3 darla whatever your name is um

Speaker 3 all right

Speaker 3 i'll tell you what was the the craziest thing other than that dude whacking that guy with a silencer at seven in the morning today in new york is that they were able to follow that guy with cameras all the way into central park am i the only one that finds that fucking disturbing?

Speaker 3 You know?

Speaker 3 What the fuck are we going to write scripts about in the future? Like, all the great movies have people doing illegal shit. Everything's going to be on camera.

Speaker 3 You're going to be caught before the thing is over.

Speaker 3 The whole fucking movie is just going to be the crime, them watching you on TV, and then they arrest you. And somehow you got to stretch that into fucking 100 pages.

Speaker 3 And if elected, I would take down the cameras so people could

Speaker 3 get away with crime.

Speaker 3 You know what's funny? Is you shoot somebody in the street, that whole fucking thing is on camera now, right?

Speaker 3 You're a fucking CEO and you fuck people out of their 401ks. None of that's on camera.
Oh, shit, Bill. Oh, snap.
Are you fucking going deep?

Speaker 3 On the deep state of America with the fucking flat earthers out there in the moondust.

Speaker 3 I've been with my wife for 20 years. 20 years? Where they go? 20 years? I don't know.

Speaker 3 Sometimes I sit here and wonder, where they go.

Speaker 3 Like a rock.

Speaker 3 Did Bob Seger ever sing about a winner?

Speaker 3 It's unreal. Beautiful loser.
That's whole fucking career.

Speaker 3 Nobody loved a sad sack like Bob Seeger.

Speaker 3 Was he related

Speaker 3 to Michael McDonald, or did just everybody in the 70s look like that? Everybody in the 70s, every white guy had his fucking hair parted down the middle with a grizzly Adams beard.

Speaker 3 Did you guys watch that yacht? I almost called it Soft Rock. That's what they used to call it.
Did you watch that Yacht Rock documentary?

Speaker 3 So much great music. I still don't think that those musicians got their due.

Speaker 3 It's so funny. Like some, that is

Speaker 3 one of like the most misunderstood genres of music. The level of fucking musicianship.

Speaker 3 They just look at it like, no, you know, like soft, like yacht rock was like, you know,

Speaker 3 like, I'm not trying to like hurt anybody. And it's like, no, no, no.

Speaker 3 It was a level of musicianship beyond your fucking ears. It's so funny, like, like Stefan Wolf.

Speaker 3 You know, people get your motor running, babe. Head out on the highway.
He's like, Yeah, this is fucking music. This got fucking balls.
And it's like fucking three chords.

Speaker 3 Putting gas in the car, holding on to your nuts. I can relate to this shit.
See, out right there, that right there is a fucking man. He's singing a song about fucking gasoline.

Speaker 3 And in that song, it's the first time he made reference to heavy metal. Is that where that name came for that genre?

Speaker 3 All of those fucking guys that have been labeled Yacht Rock, they ended up fucking playing on some of the best fucking albums of all fucking time.

Speaker 3 I know it's weird. It's a strange thing, but I really did enjoy the

Speaker 3 documentary just to like see all that music. And I love that Donald Fagan told the kid to go fuck himself.

Speaker 3 As he should have. You know what I mean?

Speaker 3 Fuck a kid.

Speaker 3 What are you doing in your life that's at the level of the musicianship of Steely Dan?

Speaker 3 You know, you making cakes? Oh, yeah, you're making a Steely Dan level cake? Well, then go fuck yourself. I'm not wasting my time talking to you.

Speaker 3 They didn't even bring up Steve Gedd.

Speaker 3 No, Bernard Purdy.

Speaker 3 Nothing.

Speaker 3 Anyway,

Speaker 3 have I talked long enough?

Speaker 3 Have I obligated myself in a podcast way? Did anybody else notice Anderson Cooper has a podcast? Is that right?

Speaker 3 It's not enough. He's on CNN and he fucking has Vanderbilt money.
He's got to come into my world and start taking stamps.com money out of my fucking mouth.

Speaker 3 You think that guy's a liberal? I don't know. He's a fucking capitalist.
I'll tell you that right now. Someday I'm going to run into him.

Speaker 3 I'm going to run into him at that CNN building right in the cafeteria.

Speaker 3 And hey,

Speaker 3 over here.

Speaker 3 Hey, Anderson, this is a podcast table, podcast only.

Speaker 3 Okay?

Speaker 3 We do this because we want it. I did it way back when there was no money in it.
Okay, I didn't show up in a fucking limousine.

Speaker 3 pad will you come back to me um i have to do some fucking ad reads here oh i actually i didn't even talk i got back from new york

Speaker 3 my kind of town new york is and uh

Speaker 3 i did the hulu event the big hulu event

Speaker 3 hulu's going hard with the stand-up comedy man

Speaker 3 They got all kinds of big fucking comedians over there, and I was at the party, the big launch party.

Speaker 3 Roy Wood Jr.

Speaker 3 Jim Gaffigan.

Speaker 3 They got Sebastian. I'm over there.
Fuck it. A lot of Glaziers over there.
They got all kinds of Bobby Lee, Andrew Santino.

Speaker 3 It was a fun party, man. I had a good time.
That's what I was back there doing. I was doing some press.

Speaker 3 So what's it like doing stand-up comedy? Do you want to sit down sometimes? Is that against the rules? How do you come up with your material?

Speaker 3 My favorite thing is when somebody fucking you're doing an interview and somebody just hands you a lapel mic. Let's have a guy handed me a lapel mic.

Speaker 3 Like I was just gonna sit there and fucking hold it, which I did a long time ago because I didn't know what a lapel. I clipped it on my shirt like a fucking pro.
And it was a good interview.

Speaker 3 I'm not shitting on the guy, but you know, just

Speaker 3 the level of just, you know, it all started with dressed down fridays and now you know years later journalists hand you a fucking

Speaker 3 lapel mic like you're just gonna hold this thing like a fucking acorn and talk into it well i first started doing stand-up comedy um

Speaker 3 i remember one time a long time ago

Speaker 3 i did this gig

Speaker 3 And all they had was a lapel mic. And we were all so inexperienced.
It was me, Al Del Benny, Bobby Kelly, and Patrice O'Neal. And we did this gig, and all they had was the lapel mic.

Speaker 3 And they had it hanging on a mic stand.

Speaker 3 And all we needed to do was just clip it on our shirt

Speaker 3 and then just do, like, we were doing like a TED talk, but none of us knew to do that. And Al was hosting, and Al took it out.

Speaker 3 And he was talking into it, and he was making fun of, like, why is this microphone so small? What am I supposed to do with this?

Speaker 3 Because we just had the muscle memory. We all had like seven minutes of material and we didn't know what to do with our hands.
So we needed to hold on to something like Linus.

Speaker 3 And I remember one point he put the whole thing in his mouth and I was sitting there like, dude, we all got to fucking go up there. And we all looked ridiculous.

Speaker 3 And my favorite thing ever was Patrice going up there. Six foot five, giant hands holding this little lapel

Speaker 3 microphone during our first five minutes way back in the day.

Speaker 3 All right, let's do the ad reads here, and then this podcast will mercifully come to an end. Oh, look who it is, everybody.
Mando. Deodorant for your fucking nuts.
Mando, everybody.

Speaker 3 Mando whole body deodorant has been a game changer. It's so versatile.
It's strong enough to keep you feeling fresh all day without being overpowering.

Speaker 3 Great for anywhere on your body that could use a little boost. Plus, it's long-lasting, which I didn't expect.
A simple fix. Put it on my H now.
A simple fix.

Speaker 3 What is that smell? It's my butt crack.

Speaker 3 A simple,

Speaker 3 that's what you're just picturing somebody taking a stick of this and putting in like a vice, you know, at

Speaker 3 your wood shop. And then you just squat on it and you do your fucking undercarriage.
All right, I'm ready to go to work. Plus, it's long-lasting.
Simple fix that really works. Whole body deodorant.

Speaker 3 Safe to use. This is how out of shape this country is at this point.
You need whole body deodorant. Safe to use anywhere on your body.

Speaker 3 I'll tell you what, I wish had whole body deodorant was that stinky motherfucker who got on my flight on the way. It was my flight because I was on it.
All of a sudden, it's mine. Flying to New York.

Speaker 3 This guy had on a fucking hoodie and you could derake.

Speaker 3 Just stunk up the whole back of the fucking plane.

Speaker 3 Unbelievable. They should have fucking taken him down to the tarmac and taken out a fucking, one of those ones they used to, you know,

Speaker 3 they put, when they de-ice a plane, they should have sprayed him.

Speaker 3 They should have de-iced his pits.

Speaker 3 Plus, it's long-lasting. Whole body deodorant, safe to use anywhere on your body.
Pits, balls, thigh folds,

Speaker 3 belly buttons. Jesus Christ, is it like a Swiss Army knife? You have all these different shapes.
How are you going to get it in your belly button? Butt cracks and feet. Fuck.

Speaker 3 Created by a doctor who saw firsthand. Oh, he liked the big girls.
Firsthand how normal BO was being misdiagnosed and mistreated.

Speaker 3 Clinically proven to block odor all day and control odor for up to 72 hours. That's a little frightening.
What the fuck is in it? All products baking soda free and paraben-free. It's all natural.

Speaker 3 Choose from a well, I don't know if it's all natural, but it doesn't have that shit in it. Choose from a variety of fresh scents

Speaker 3 like bourbon leather

Speaker 3 it's they got a picture of ron burgundy on it uh clover woods mount fuji

Speaker 3 or pro sport uh clinically proven to control order odor better than a shower with soap alone um

Speaker 3 12 hours after a shower the average man's grundle odor Level was a five out of 10. Okay, can we just take time out right now?

Speaker 3 I know we're always saluting the troops. Can we salute the people that were sniffing men's underwear

Speaker 3 after 12 hours? And then on top of that, like that wasn't bad. Did you sniff it? Yeah, yeah.
Am I done? No, you have to rate it. What do you mean I got to rate it?

Speaker 3 It was the worst smelling shit I've ever smelled in my life. Well, that's the only first pair.
You're going to compare it to all of the? I'm going to smell all of those.

Speaker 3 With Mando.

Speaker 3 What do you do? I'm a content creator. What do you do? I smell men's underwear after 12 hours and I rate it on a scale of 1 to 10.
How much it stinks. Is that why you shaved off your beard?

Speaker 3 With Mando.

Speaker 3 These people are never going to advertise again. With Mando, the average Grundle odor level is 0 out of 10.

Speaker 3 What's the freak level of the person that's smelling tidy whities? That's got to be a 10 out of 10.

Speaker 3 Jesus Christ, did he get put on a fucking

Speaker 3 neighborhood watch list immediately? Mando's starter pack is perfect for new customers. It comes with a solid stick deodorant, cream tube.
There's your belly button.

Speaker 3 Deodorant, two free products of your choice, like mini body wash and deodorant wipes, and free shipping.

Speaker 3 As a special offer for listeners, new customers get $5 off, $5 off a starter pack with our exclusive code that equates to over 40% off your starter pack use code.

Speaker 3 Use the code white.

Speaker 3 Yeah, use the code burr B-U-R-R at shopmando.com. S-H-O-P-M-A-N-D-O.com.
It fucking worked again.

Speaker 3 Is everything like Mississippi the same amount of letters? Please support our show and tell them we sent you. Smell fresher, stay dry, and boost your

Speaker 3 confidence, head to toe with Mando.

Speaker 1 Give it up for Chicago.

Speaker 2 Sebastian Maniscalco's new stand-up special, It Ain't Right, is coming to Hulu on November 21st.

Speaker 1 30 years ago, Jeff Bezos, complete nerd. Bezos now ripped to shreds on his super yacht, and the boxes keep coming.

Speaker 2 Sebastian Maniscalco, It Ain't Right, premieres November 21st, streaming on Hulu and Hulu on Disney Plus for bundle subscribers. Terms apply.

Speaker 3 All right, who is it now? Oh, it's Simply Safe. Last one, people.

Speaker 3 Simply Safe, you ever worry about the safety of your home and family? There's no better time to act now.

Speaker 3 What if they were talking about this psycho you married that they would come in and fucking chloroform rag them and get them out of there? That's no, they're not handling that.

Speaker 3 They're handling people you don't know coming into your house. Right now, Simply Safe is extending its massive Black Friday deal for my listeners.

Speaker 3 Get 50% off new Simply, a new SimplySafe security system. Simply Safe is the home security I trust.
Get 50% off today just by visiting simplysafe.com slash burr. This is your last chance.

Speaker 3 And I'm fucking telling you again, to protect your home at Simply Safe's lowest prices of the year. Simply Safe is a new way to protect your home that stops intruders before they break in.

Speaker 3 Old school systems only take action once somebody's already inside your home. That's too late.
They yell at these guys as they're coming up the driveway.

Speaker 3 Simply Safe's active guard outdoor protection changes the game by preventing crime before it happens. If someone's lurking around your house, hey, you piece of shit, keep it moving.

Speaker 3 Or acting suspiciously, those agents see them in real time, talk to them directly, set off your spotlights, and even call the police before they've had a chance to break in.

Speaker 3 Plus, there are no long-term contracts or no cancellation fees, and it's all around a dollar a day for all this protection.

Speaker 3 Simply Stafe is extending its massive Black Friday deal for my listeners this week only. You can get 50% off any new system with a select professional monitoring plan.
This is your last chance.

Speaker 3 All right?

Speaker 3 I'm not saying this shit again. To claim their best offer of the year, head to simplysafe.com/slash burr.
That's simplysafe.com/slash burr. Hey, there's no safe like simply safe.

Speaker 3 All right, that is the podcast, everybody. Enjoy your weekend, you cons,

Speaker 3 and listen to the music picked out by the talented and absolutely just great human being, Andrew Themlis.

Speaker 3 Then we have a bonus half-hour episode of the Thursday afternoon just before Friday, Monday Audio Podcast.

Speaker 1 Hey, what's going on? It's Bill Byrne. It's time for the Monday morning podcast for Monday,

Speaker 1 December 5th, 2016. What's going on? How are you?

Speaker 1 You're doing your holiday shopping. Is that what you're doing? Oh my God, where do I get this person?

Speaker 1 And there's just not enough time. Sleight of bola, by the way, sleight Ebola is still left.

Speaker 1 Yeah, you guys are in the same boat as me.

Speaker 1 You know, I handled some of the shit I needed to handle.

Speaker 1 You know, I got fucking nieces and nephews and all this shit I got to take care of. So I don't know what to do.
You know what? I'm going to do it.

Speaker 1 I'm going to go on billbird.com, click on the podcast page, and click on the Amazon link and go straight to Amazon and kick me a little dough-ray me.

Speaker 1 Huh? Oh, no, Bill, you shouldn't have. Hey, don't worry about it.
I made a little bit of fucking cashish on this one. Oh,

Speaker 1 enjoy your remote control Lamborghini.

Speaker 1 Anyways,

Speaker 1 so I know the podcast is late. I was going to try to do it last night, but unfortunately I had to go to a memorial service for my friend who died.

Speaker 1 And it was a beautiful, beautiful ceremony and also one of the saddest things I've ever seen with his young kids and everything. And

Speaker 1 didn't feel too funny last night, but

Speaker 1 I learned a lot, man. I learned a lot by going to that service.
I will tell you that, because when they did the collage of his life and the end of it,

Speaker 1 the photos and the videos and everything, like 99% of it was about him with his wife and being a dad.

Speaker 1 So it made me feel lucky that I'm going to become a father, definitely, because I was thinking, well, what if I died right now? What would the collage look like for me?

Speaker 1 And it would just be a picture of me in a bunch of different comedy clubs

Speaker 1 making weird faces.

Speaker 1 Obviously, the lovely Nia, but you know what I mean? I was kind of like, what, me playing drums?

Speaker 1 Like, what the fuck did I do to keep, you know, not to say that you have to have a fucking kid, because definitely, I think if you don't have a kid at this point, if you don't want to, that's a great fucking thing considering all the shit going on with the environment to not just have another person, just to have a person.

Speaker 1 But,

Speaker 1 you know, like with all of these things, the great thing was I got to see a bunch of comics that I had not seen in a while. And I will be seeing a bunch more this Tuesday Tuesday night at the

Speaker 1 Laugh Factory. I believe the event is sold out.
So thank you to everybody that came down and bought tickets.

Speaker 1 Or however the fuck you kids do it nowadays. I really appreciate it.
It's going to be the money is going to be going to

Speaker 1 his twin boys.

Speaker 1 But anyway, so yeah, so I went there. It was a very, very heavy, emotional night, so I did not feel remotely funny because that was a thing.
Oh, typical fucking psycho comic.

Speaker 1 I'm going to go to a memorial service for a friend of mine that I've known for almost 25 years. And and then I'll come home.
Then I'll do my podcast after that.

Speaker 1 You know, if you think some of my shit is bleak and dark,

Speaker 1 yeah, I'm glad I did not record last night. So I had some shit to do this morning.
I'm a little bit late.

Speaker 1 We're editing the season two of F is for Family and all that shit. Have I made you laugh yet? All I'm doing is telling you what an album laid in my bed, and I fucking blah, blah, blah.

Speaker 1 You know, fully clothed, by the way, fully clothed. This episode,

Speaker 1 the NC NC 17 Thursday afternoon, just before Friday, Monday morning podcast, did not do well in the ratings as far as the feedback. You know,

Speaker 1 it was something that we here at Monday Morning Podcast Industries decided was, you know, maybe a different flavor we could throw to the podcast.

Speaker 1 Every once in a while, I could just be wearing a robe with nothing underneath it that Nia could then comment on. And,

Speaker 1 you know, it was like new Coke. That's all I would say.

Speaker 1 I'm kidding. Actually, it was some of the funniest fucking Photoshops.
I don't know if you guys saw them on Twitter.

Speaker 1 The Sharon Stone one was fucking, yeah. That was, I don't know how you taught that one.
That was great. So, anyways, let's talk about life.

Speaker 1 Let's talk about the world.

Speaker 1 Let's talk about,

Speaker 1 hey, congratulations. To everybody up there in the Dakotas that was fighting against the pipeline.
Evidently, they've been at least able to stop it for now.

Speaker 1 You know? Good lord, some of the shit that they were saying those corporations were doing, man, they were playing for keeps.

Speaker 1 They were saying at nighttime they had drones and they were coming in and they had this pepper spray water mixture. They were spraying at the protesters.

Speaker 1 That whole thing is so fucked up because I was just like, why can't they just go down to Home Depot and buy some of those fucking things that makes the pipe make a 90 degree turn, go up the street a little bit and go around the shit?

Speaker 1 Evidently all the white towns,

Speaker 1 the cowboy side, I guess they tried to go through other people's towns and they they were like, Yeah, you're not running that shit through here.

Speaker 1 So even the white people didn't want it.

Speaker 1 I don't know.

Speaker 1 I guess what I'm saying is I should have bought a Tesla

Speaker 1 until they do the research on what those fucking batteries do, once they finally take those out. You know, I remember Michael Jordan telling me not to throw out my batteries,

Speaker 1 you know.

Speaker 1 I believe he was standing next to the children that sew together your sneakers. There's so much, you know,

Speaker 1 you can never not get mud on your shoes, no matter what you do. Like, how the fuck do you just, like, no matter what you're doing, I do this and I'm not hurting anybody or the planet.

Speaker 1 Just the mere fact that you're fucking here, you know, somebody is crying in a factory somewhere, right?

Speaker 1 Or the inverse, if you're the kid or the person working in the sweatshop, right,

Speaker 1 you got to be doing something. You're probably taking it home with you, you know.

Speaker 1 Coming home screaming at your wife, that's my part of the concrete slab to sleep on, right? There's something.

Speaker 1 Who the fuck knows? I I don't know. Maybe I'm just an arrogant cunt in a first world country.
I have no idea. But let's talk about Formula One racing here, everybody.
Nico Rosberg.

Speaker 1 Dude, the level of fucking drama.

Speaker 1 Like, ladies, if you ever wanted to get into a sport, but you just find, you know, the four major ones in the U.S.

Speaker 1 boring or you're not into soccer or whatever the fuck people watch around the world, cricket, you like drama. You like all of that shit.
I highly suggest watching Formula One Racing.

Speaker 1 This whole Nico Rosberg, Lewis Hamilton thing. Nico Rosberg, right?

Speaker 1 He's the upstart guy, as I said. He finally won his first championship after being a bridesmaid the last couple of years.

Speaker 1 This is my first year watching it, so I'm sure a lot of this shit I'll have wrong.

Speaker 1 He wins his first championship,

Speaker 1 all right? And then out of fucking nowhere, out of the fucking blue,

Speaker 1 he retired.

Speaker 1 He just said, that's it, I'm done. And somebody tweeted that to me.
So I looked it up and I saw that it was true. And the only clip I saw

Speaker 1 was him just standing there. And his wife was talking the entire fucking time.
So I'm just sitting there looking, going like, wait a minute. Is this guy?

Speaker 1 Was this her decision? You know, he's got a kid on the way.

Speaker 1 Just like, God, Nico, do you really have to drive again this weekend?

Speaker 1 Where?

Speaker 1 Abu, what?

Speaker 1 It's just so silly. I I mean, you know, I drive a car too, you know.
I don't have to put a number on it and drive around S-turns. It's just such a male testosterone thing.

Speaker 1 You're hurting the environment. I don't know if he got in her ear, like the whole fucking Yoko thing, which people always say Yoko broke up the Beatles, which

Speaker 1 I don't believe that. I think John and Paul kept bringing their work home, bitching about one another.
And after a while, both Linda and Yoko were like, hey, well, why don't you just quit?

Speaker 1 i mean you're not happy right and then they just threw that out there and then the their ego you know like they were called in their bluff they couldn't be like well but damn what would i do i wouldn't have a band

Speaker 1 i don't know if i could write without him right

Speaker 1 so they just they they couldn't do that so they just fucking i don't know what the fuck i'm talking about let's get back to the let's get back to the racing here so i don't know if it was that version and then i read that uh what's his face

Speaker 1 that was it Kiki Lotta or whatever? He was trashing Nico Rossberg. Said he made them look silly and stupid and all of that.
And I'm just sitting there, why the fuck would this guy quit? 31 years old?

Speaker 1 You just won your first one. Now you're going to walk away.

Speaker 1 You know,

Speaker 1 why would you do that? And then I was thinking, maybe it's his wife. He's got a kid coming along.

Speaker 1 He just won it. He was very emotional.
He had the come down afterwards

Speaker 1 where then there's the little bit of a melancholy slash depression and then you're like fuck now i got to do this again and you got to climb back up the mountain again

Speaker 1 i don't think it's you know what i think it is i think that um

Speaker 1 lewis hamilton was the favorite son this is i'm just total fucking guess at mercedes he's sick of dealing with that dynamic you know

Speaker 1 And he wanted to get out of his fucking contract and the only way out was to retire. So he might leave for, I don't know how long

Speaker 1 you know and then he'll come back with a different team there's no fucking way he's not coming back 31 years old there's no fucking way he's not coming back he's gonna take a year off get his kid up and running you know get the kid to be able to use the fucking shit

Speaker 1 right mama dada throttle break right you get it say a few fucking words and then he's gonna be right back out there again

Speaker 1 you know i think he's gonna be out there and he's gonna race for a different team but here's the thing, though.

Speaker 1 Those Mercedes cars were so fucking good that all they had to do was just get to the first turn. Whoever won the first turn, right, won the goddamn race, it seemed.

Speaker 1 So I'm going to guess, I'm going to guess he's going to go with the Red Bull team because that was the only other team that seemed to fucking win anything this year as far as the shit that I watched.

Speaker 1 But

Speaker 1 Jesus Christ, so Nico's getting fucking trashed. People are like, what the fuck? Five reasons why he would quit.

Speaker 1 Kiki Rosberg calls him a cunt or something.

Speaker 1 Nikki Lauda, sorry. Kiki.
Nikki Clauda. I'm like combining names here.
Slams Nico Rossberg for making Mercedes look dumb. Dude, in that last race when Lewis Hamilton slowed down,

Speaker 1 because if Nico Rosberg came in fourth place or worse, Lewis would have won the championship. So he deliberately slowed the fuck down to let the third and fourth place guys catch up.

Speaker 1 And then he disobeyed a direct order from his fucking pit crew. I'm telling you, it's fucking Top Gun.

Speaker 1 You know? You two characters are going to Top Gun, right?

Speaker 1 They tell him to speed up. And Lewis is like, nah, yeah, I'm good.
I can still win this race. Let's just fucking add 40 years of stress to this fucking guy.
Maybe he'll spin out and I'll win. And

Speaker 1 Rosberg's also talked about sometimes, you know, when they're out on the track, he doesn't know how far Lewis is going to go. Is he going to push me off the track? But Rosberg's done the same shit.

Speaker 1 He did that like twice. He has this fucking move where he goes into a turn and it's like goes straight for way too long and then oops at the last second turns away and drives some guy into the gravel.

Speaker 1 Oh, Jesus, Bill. You don't know anything about this sport, do you? Um,

Speaker 1 I don't know. We'll see what the fuck happens.
But that's my call. I think he's gonna stay home for a year with his kid, right?

Speaker 1 He's gonna go out of his fucking mind as much as he's gonna love his kid, as much as he's gonna love his wife, the entire time that Kenny Longin song is gonna be going on in the background.

Speaker 1 Fucking something something.

Speaker 1 Right?

Speaker 1 Whatever Johnny JFK said. And then the guy in the fucking pump said he said, I am an egg or I'm a cookie or something.
Yeah, it's going to drive him up the fucking wall.

Speaker 1 And he's going to have to go back out there again. And, you know, and then I think he's going to drive for the rest of his fucking career.

Speaker 1 That's my guess. All right, so there you go.
There's a whole bunch of shit. How often do you hear a bunch of Formula One talk on a fucking American podcast? You know, nothing.

Speaker 1 All right, go fuck yourself. Hey, how about that Patriots Rams game? You know, that's tremendous.
If anybody ever had trouble sleeping, that would have been a great game to fucking watch.

Speaker 1 Jesus Christ. I actually did, I actually watched, you got to watch the game live with me on Facebook.
It was something last second we decided to try at all things comedy.

Speaker 1 So thank you to the 1,500 people or so that tuned in and watched me watch the game. I'm sure they'll put together some sort of clips from that.

Speaker 1 So, if you guys like it enough, if it gets enough hits, I might start doing that.

Speaker 1 I want to do it for boring fucking games because if the game matters, you're not going to want to listen to me talking. But Patriots vs.
Rams,

Speaker 1 that's a good one, right? And all I do is I just do the first half.

Speaker 1 So, anyways, I might do it with Joe Bartnick or somebody like that, maybe with Paul Versey at some point.

Speaker 3 We'll figure it out.

Speaker 1 So anyway, so I have to go to this memorial service

Speaker 1 last night. I was so proud of my friend that, you know, I could really see what a great husband and father he was.
So I already knew the suit that I was going to wear.

Speaker 1 Because when you get to my age, you know, it's fucking sucks, man. You start losing people.
And you have your funeral suit, you know?

Speaker 1 For a lot of people, it was I'm going to a wedding suit. And then that because as you get older, that becomes I'm going to a funeral.
Fucking sucks.

Speaker 1 So, you remember last year, I got into the best shape of my fucking life, and I went to put on the suit that I fucking bought during that time. Jesus Christ,

Speaker 1 I could barely get the pants done, and I couldn't wear a tie to the event because I couldn't get the shirt closed. And all I did, I put on like 15 fucking pounds.
It's like, how skinny was I?

Speaker 1 And I was just sitting there screaming at myself in the mirror. My mother, my,

Speaker 1 I don't know, my mother always told me when I was, you know, she was always like fucking,

Speaker 1 I don't know, she was always honest about not being fat fuck kids, which is hilarious to me, because who wants a fat fuck for a kid, right?

Speaker 1 So I'm sitting there screaming at myself in the mirror, right?

Speaker 1 And

Speaker 1 my wife is just sitting there fucking laughing her ass off at me.

Speaker 1 I'm going, look at you, look, you fucking disgust me, just completely trashing myself, because that's how I get myself back into shape. So

Speaker 1 I remember I mentioned last podcast that I was going to do a half hour cardio every fucking day this month because I'm not putting on the pigs in the blanket, fucking apple strudel.

Speaker 1 What's a good Christmas goose? What do you have? What do you people have? Chinese food, the Jewish people, right? What's the shit that everybody fucking eats this month?

Speaker 1 Makes you a fat fuck. All of the stuff.
The pies, the cookies, the Christmas party, the booze, all of that shit. You end up putting on all this fucking weight.
Then what happens?

Speaker 1 Everybody joins a fucking gym. Everybody joins the gym in January, right? And it's just fucking mobbed, right?

Speaker 1 And all you got to do is just hang in there to about the second week of February, and everybody just starts dropping off. Like the Baton Death March or some shit, right?

Speaker 1 Such a fucked up reference, but I've been watching a lot of World War II shit. I probably even said it wrong.

Speaker 1 They say baton, like what you twirl. The baton death march.
It was a bunch of high school bands

Speaker 1 that had to walk to the prom that none of them had dates to. Oh, Bill, do you have to be that mean? Well, you know what? I don't.

Speaker 1 But it's funny, isn't it?

Speaker 1 Isn't it?

Speaker 1 Anyways, so you know what's great? Why don't you beat the fucking new person to the gym rush? Why don't you do yourself a favor and not go into the new year 15, 20, 30, 40, 50 pounds overweight?

Speaker 1 Let's say you knock that number. What's that first number?

Speaker 1 Huh? Unless you're in triple digits. You know, I don't want to fucking give you too much.
But if you got a double-digit figure, you're trying to lose. Let's say you're 20 pounds overweight.

Speaker 1 Why don't you try to get that two down to a one?

Speaker 1 You know?

Speaker 1 Get that 18 down to a fucking nine.

Speaker 1 Get that 20 down to a 10. Just knock it down.

Speaker 1 Run some fucking miles off your fucking odometer, right? Come on, admit it. Go ahead.
Nobody's looking. Nobody's looking at cubicle.
Reach down. Reach down.
Grab a handful. I look at you.
Huh?

Speaker 1 That's what you're going to do? You're going to add to that?

Speaker 1 Jesus Christ, come on. Say it with me.
I'm a fat cunt.

Speaker 1 Right? Just say it. One, two, three.
I'm a fat cunt. All right?

Speaker 1 Then the first thing you got to do is admitting it to yourself. That you've lost control over so many of those fucking Christmas cookies, but let's be honest, they don't really taste that good.

Speaker 1 A lot of them are bad shortbread with some shitty frosting and some sprinkles on it, right? You don't need that shit, right?

Speaker 1 Half hour, half hour every day, make a goddamn playlist.

Speaker 1 You know what's funny is I've actually, because I'm so dreading doing cardio, rather than listening to some testosterone aggressive shit, like I actually was listening to like Paul Simon.

Speaker 1 Like my cardio thing starts off with Something So Right by Paul Simon, which when you really listen to that song, I should look up the fucking, my internet doesn't work down here.

Speaker 1 The fucking lyrics are really annoying. He's like, when something goes wrong,

Speaker 1 I'm the first to admit it.

Speaker 1 I'm the first to admit it, but the last one to know, whoa, whoa, right? So he's already said, like, you know, hey, if there's something wrong, like,

Speaker 1 I'm the first one to admit it. I just never know what that is.
I don't know if it, yeah, fuck you, Paul Simon, you cunt.

Speaker 1 I hate when people do that you know what I mean they just they know they they fucking say that they're an asshole and then they take no responsibility for it because hey man I just don't like it's hard for me it's just like hard for me to tell when I'm being a total selfish douche

Speaker 1 come on Paul you know that okay

Speaker 1 If you could do a fucking sound check, okay, and you can hear that the horns are too far down in the mix, you can't tell me that you can't be in a car with somebody else and not hear that you're being a fucking asshole,

Speaker 1 you know?

Speaker 1 And then the rest of it is when something goes right,

Speaker 1 oh, it's like you lose me. It's apt to confuse me.
Like he's just like, oh, oh, oh, let's all stop and help Paul Simon.

Speaker 1 You know? That's why he married that Edie Brickell, I'm telling you. You know what I mean? No fucking broad his age was going to put up with his horse shit.

Speaker 1 He had to find some young chick that was still fucking wide-eye, you know, slightly confused. What I am is what I am, and what you are, or what we are, right? She didn't know what the fuck.

Speaker 1 She didn't know which way was up. Right? Goddamn oversized sweater.
Fucking walking around.

Speaker 1 He fucking shows up. Like, you know, I mean, I mean, if something goes wrong, I'm the first to admit it, but yeah, I never seem to know.
I'm like the last guy to know. Oh, Paul, you're a nice person,

Speaker 1 right?

Speaker 1 Next thing you know, he's behind her, just banging away. His fucking toupee, slapping off the back of his head, right?

Speaker 1 That's how the whole fucking thing went down. And in the meantime, Edie Brickell and the New Bohemians, right? That, you know, for a pop band, I mean, those guys could play.

Speaker 1 Great guitarist. They had a great fucking drummer.
And what happened?

Speaker 1 Fucking Paul Simon comes up with his hat in hand, showing up, you know. Paul Simon got, he got hair plugs right after, I think, Elton John.
And Elton John got the original ones.

Speaker 1 So, like, you know, his head was so scarred up. That's why when he was real coked up in the 80s, he was wearing like those mannequin wigs.
Because

Speaker 1 I don't know, I don't know what I'm talking about. I think, was I at the grocery store and read a few too many us magazines?

Speaker 1 And it's all how the fuck did I get on? Oh, I'm talking about working out.

Speaker 1 Okay, I'm not here to talk about Paul Simon Edie's fucking relationship. I think I overstepped a few lines there, especially during this holiday month.
So I apologize. All right?

Speaker 1 So I start with that, then I go into one trick pony.

Speaker 1 then I go 50 Ways

Speaker 1 to Leave Your Lover

Speaker 1 with Steve Gadd on drums.

Speaker 1 Oh, by the way, he's coming to town with fucking Eric Clapton.

Speaker 1 Somebody offered me a fucking ticket, and I forgot to get back to him. I've seen Steve Gadd live before, but I never saw Eric Clapton.
But anyways, it goes to that.

Speaker 1 And then I listen to,

Speaker 1 what the fuck do I listen to? A couple of Pretenders songs. Then I get into Aerosmith's first fucking album.

Speaker 1 And then I'm done, right? Just like that. I eased my way.

Speaker 1 Eased my way. You know, I start off really easy.
Then I get to mid-range. And then I just get to Aerosmith's first fucking one.
That's what I did. Because what I was doing before, I was

Speaker 1 like regretting, like not regretting, hating doing cardio. And I was starting off with like fucking Iron Maiden or Dr.
Feelgood. You know what I mean?

Speaker 1 Like, that's not like if you're if you're just waking up and you're getting on a fucking elliptical,

Speaker 1 it's all. He's the one that calls out the feel good.
He's gonna be algorithm. It's just like, Jesus, Vince, Vince, for fuck's sakes,

Speaker 1 at least I could start with home, sweet home, right? You know, I'm a dreamer.

Speaker 1 Um,

Speaker 1 you know, I just realized we have company upstairs. Once I put the headphones on, like, I don't even fucking realize I don't give a shit.
So I was listening to that and like Iron Maiden.

Speaker 1 You know,

Speaker 1 it just like creeps you out, like, you're fucking getting on an elliptical,

Speaker 1 half groggy because I got to go into work and shit, right?

Speaker 1 Starting your day off. We want information.

Speaker 1 Information.

Speaker 1 Information. Who are you? The new number two.
Who's number one?

Speaker 1 You are number six, right?

Speaker 1 How about Vincent Price? All the fucking work he got in the early 80s, man. He was fucking crushing it, huh?

Speaker 1 Woe to you, O earth and sea,

Speaker 1 for the devil sends the beast with wrath, because he knows the time is short. Let him who hath understanding reckon the number of the beast.
For it is a human number. Its number is 666.

Speaker 1 Right?

Speaker 1 And then he was on fucking Michael Jackson's thriller, right?

Speaker 1 Ah,

Speaker 1 ah, that old fucking crazy laugh in the end. I can't remember.
The funk of 40,000 years. I never really listened to Michael Jackson.

Speaker 1 Like, I was one of those people who had to pretend to be sad when he died.

Speaker 1 You know what I mean? I'm looking at the man in the mirror. You know, Shamore.

Speaker 1 Right? It just never spoke to me. I liked his shit when he was a kid.

Speaker 1 Oh, baby, give me more and more chance. I liked right up to Off the Wall.

Speaker 1 And somewhere,

Speaker 1 I don't know.

Speaker 1 I guess I liked some. I liked some of,

Speaker 1 like, Billie Jean was okay.

Speaker 1 Thriller, I thought, was stupid.

Speaker 1 You know? You know what? Actually, Thriller isn't stupid. You know what it is? It's fucking, whenever it comes on, everybody has to start doing the Thriller dance.

Speaker 1 And they always start with the same thing where it's the claws up in the air on either side.

Speaker 1 Always.

Speaker 1 Always. There's always somebody doing a fucking Michael Jackson impression.
You know?

Speaker 1 You know what's interesting about that guy, as great as he was, the balls of me to critique this man is like he was one of those guys. He had the sickest fucking dance moves, and then he just stopped.

Speaker 1 And he kept with the loafers, and he kept doing the leg thing, and he kept drabbing his dick, and then everybody kind of caught up and went past him, even though he was still always the greatest dancer of all time.

Speaker 1 It was like he was doing the Charleston his whole fucking life. Bad do, got du.
Here comes the moon walk.

Speaker 1 Right?

Speaker 1 Somebody can't even remotely fucking dance.

Speaker 1 Oh,

Speaker 1 the fucking balls I'm showing on this podcast. Oh, let's keep going.

Speaker 1 What other fucking legend

Speaker 1 can we trash next?

Speaker 1 Yeah, I never got into.

Speaker 1 I never got into, like, when it was always like Prince versus Michael Jackson. Like, to me, it was always Prince.
It wasn't even close.

Speaker 1 And

Speaker 1 I don't know.

Speaker 1 Prince is funny because his bad songs always sound like songs that Molly Ringwald would have danced around to in like 16 candles.

Speaker 1 Like, he's got a couple of those. We're just like, Jesus.
I guess everybody's got those, right?

Speaker 1 And if he has one of those, geez, Bill, can you trash any more dead geniuses? Yeah, I can.

Speaker 1 Let's go. Let's start talking.
Let's talk about Mark Twain and fucking Albert Einstein. Is it me or do they both have the same fucking barber?

Speaker 1 What was it about being a genius back then or someone who was changing the way people were thinking that you just you had to have that fucking that same fucking do?

Speaker 1 It was Sammy, the Sammy Hagar in Van Halen fucking do, except it was white, right? Mark Twain had it.

Speaker 1 Fucking Albert Einstein had it. Frederick Douglass had that with that fucking itchy beard.
Everybody had that. When you fucking are just too goddamn smart,

Speaker 1 you know what I mean? Like, shit, I don't know. You just got too much shit to think about.
There's something about that hairdo that just, it's just the perfect thing.

Speaker 1 I bet Sammy looks back and was like, why did I cut my hair like that? It was, you know, the haircut he got was like when he was younger, when he had the longer hair. That's like the chick you marry.

Speaker 1 And then, like, after she has a couple of kids and she just, I just don't want to deal with it anymore. He got like, literally got that fucking haircut.
You know?

Speaker 1 Just short of, are you sad that you,

Speaker 1 you know, are you moving towards an alternative lifestyle here? Like, what is going on with that thing? That was just a bad fucking period, huh?

Speaker 1 They were wearing those peach fucking flash dance fucking overalls.

Speaker 1 I don't know.

Speaker 1 All right. Sammy Hager.
I think Sammy Hager would have been better if he didn't join Van Halen. Oh, I'm going after.
I'm fucking...

Speaker 1 I'm talking about everybody this week. I don't know what I'm doing here.
I think I'm going for fucking a reality show right now.

Speaker 1 You ever hear that song Heavy Metal by Sammy Hager?

Speaker 1 I like that better. And you watch him performing with his own fucking.
I'm going to fucking tweet that.

Speaker 1 I'm going to tweet that fucking video this week. You know what I mean?

Speaker 1 You tell me that anything he did in Van Halen, not trash in Van Halen, because I fucking love those guys, but I'm just saying, Sammy shouldn't have jumped in there. He should have kept going.

Speaker 1 He was on a path.

Speaker 1 The man could not drive 55.

Speaker 1 All right?

Speaker 1 Tall in heavy metal, right?

Speaker 1 He was fucking great. I don't know what happened.
Then all of a sudden, I got the best of

Speaker 1 both worlds. Right? I don't know what happened.

Speaker 1 My fucking voice is cracking. All right.
I think I've trashed enough people that are way, way, way more talented than I'll ever be. So now it's time.

Speaker 1 Now it's time to say goodbye to all you fucking counties.

Speaker 1 I got to read a little bit of advertising. Oh, and there's a lot.
Oh, a lot this week. Everybody piling on, trying to get your holiday money.
Trying to get that holiday money. Oh, look who's back.

Speaker 1 All right, let's get to some of the questions here for this week. Hey, did you guys see over in England there, they got the fucking

Speaker 1 They got some shit that would even make Snowden go, god damn, I didn't even think of that They got some snooping thing over there where they're just gonna everybody anything you do on your phone or on the internet or anything like any of that shit, they can just look at it.

Speaker 1 It's fucking unbelievable.

Speaker 1 It's unbelievable. Whole presidential election goes by, they never talk about any of that shit.
Why the fuck do you think that is? Oh, fucking Obama, right?

Speaker 1 He was in office when all that Snowden shit went through. The big fucking liberal, all you pussies who cried when Hillary didn't get in.
You see what the fuck happened when Obama was in?

Speaker 1 Ah, bunch of babies. I was so disappointed.
Anyways, let's read some fucking shit here. Here we go.
Advice on the future. Dear Bilmer Fudd.

Speaker 1 First of all, congrats on the kid. New special, yada yada.
Thank you. I'm an 18-year-old guy out of high school and need career advice.
I graduated with honors. Good for you.

Speaker 1 Straight A's, Jesus, and all that crap. But I currently don't attend college and I'm working some shit job in a pasta factory.
Sounds like you're burned out on the academics there.

Speaker 1 Oh, he said, this is because what I really want want to do

Speaker 1 is sing, parentheses, classical shit, take piano lessons, and be happy. My dream isn't to be famous or anything, but I love music and want to pursue it.
Problem is, I have zero background.

Speaker 1 Can't sing, can't play anything, literally, zero. There's a great place nearby where I live that gives vocal and piano lessons, and all I want to do

Speaker 1 is start training my voice and start playing, but I feel like there's no point because I have no experience.

Speaker 1 Jesus Christ, dude, you know what it is? You're one of these people. You got straight A's, you're an overachiever, and you're so goddamn smart.

Speaker 1 Every time you come up with the option, you know, when the normal level of fear comes up, smarties like you can come up with, like, rather than just 10 reasons not to do it, you'll come up with a thousand, and you're paralyzed right now, is what's going on.

Speaker 1 He said, I spend my free, you're only 18 years old, dude.

Speaker 1 You know,

Speaker 1 nobody has any experience till they start experiencing it. You're already being way too hard on yourself.
He goes, all right.

Speaker 1 He goes, I spend my free time listening to countless covers of the same song, watching videos on vocal exercises and fantasizing about being a singer one day.

Speaker 1 I feel I can really do it sometimes, but other times I feel like not even trying.

Speaker 1 Yeah, dude. Yeah, that's

Speaker 1 okay.

Speaker 1 That first emotion where you feel like trying to do it, you need to listen to that. That second one that talks you out of it, you need to stop listening to that voice.

Speaker 1 You need to out loud tell that voice to shut the fuck up. That's what I did.
I literally were talking to the, you got to beat the fuck out of that voice.

Speaker 1 That one that goes, no, no, yeah, but what if this happens? Oh, nobody's going to like me. Sit down and shut the fuck up.

Speaker 1 All right? I don't need you on this one.

Speaker 1 I need you when I'm thinking about doing heroin. Then I need you going like, well, what if you get addicted and then you die and you make everybody cry? Yeah, yeah, then I'll listen to you.

Speaker 1 But not when you're going after a dream, you don't listen to any of that negative shit because you'll talk yourself out of it.

Speaker 1 Anyways, I know you always preach about following your dream, but when it actually comes to doing it, it's very scary. Of course it is.

Speaker 1 However, I don't want to be 40 years old and think, man, what if? My 99-year-old aunt always tells me to do what I want and forget about money, but my parents say that I need a real job.

Speaker 1 Well, who has more life experience? Your 99-year-old aunt. And what is she saying? Huh? Your parents, they're too close to you.
You know, they're worried you're going to be homeless and all that shit.

Speaker 1 So they're always going to say, just get a fucking job so you can have enough money to put a roof over your head and eat a sandwich. That's all they're thinking of.

Speaker 3 Nobody dreams of that.

Speaker 1 Nobody dreams about just having a roof over their head and eating a sandwich unless you're, I don't know, unless you live in some fucking squalor, right?

Speaker 1 But even then, after a while, once you have the roof over your head, then you're going to at some point be like, I want to do something,

Speaker 1 right? I don't know. Anyways, I've been in between

Speaker 1 for a year.

Speaker 1 I've been in between for a year now and need help. I don't want to get massively in debt for something I don't really want.
That is so fucking smart.

Speaker 1 All these poor kids coming out of fucking college, hundreds of thousands of dollars in debt at this fucking point, or at least the high 10,000s, you know, that's when you love being a fucking moron, you know, because then you go to community college, doesn't cost shit.

Speaker 1 You want to get dunking donuts.

Speaker 1 Throw a couple of coffees at people, and all of a sudden you got money for your next semester.

Speaker 1 Maybe pursuing music will open doors to majoring in music in the future. I don't know.
What should I do, you pale bitch?

Speaker 1 P.S. Give Cleo a head scratch for me.
Pit bulls are awesome.

Speaker 1 And he says, Asian need advice from Bill Burr. Oh, that's the next person.
Is that it? Oh, all right. Yeah, you know what's fucked up? I was going to say, oh, you're Asian, dude.

Speaker 1 You're going to crush the piano. That's one of those stereotypes that I guess is racist, but it's like positive racism.
You know what I mean?

Speaker 1 Dude, take up the cello. You'll be playing for your fucking

Speaker 1 major cities, Philharmonic.

Speaker 1 All right, this is what I would do.

Speaker 1 I would just start taking lessons immediately. I would sign up immediately.
I would not listen to the rest of this podcast.

Speaker 1 Hit stop, walk over to the phone, call the number, and get a lesson as soon as you can. Go to the lesson, okay? And then keep going and just see what that feels like.

Speaker 1 Don't stop after one and be like, well, I only went to one and I can't even play chopstick yet. Fuck this.
Fuck that voice. Keep going.
All right?

Speaker 1 Just say, I'm going to stick with this for three months.

Speaker 1 All right? That's the big thing with anything. You got to stick with it for three months and really work at it.
Working out, learning an instrument, learning a language.

Speaker 1 God knows I always end up quitting. I can't even get fucking 100 days together.

Speaker 1 Just

Speaker 1 stick with it and see how you feel after three months. If you feel like this isn't for me, you're not going to have that.
Well, what if, what if, bullshit, because you tried it.

Speaker 1 So, this isn't, you're not making a decision that's going to affect the rest of your life. Don't look at it like that.
You're just looking at the next three months.

Speaker 1 The next three months are going to happen. Do you want to, after 90 days,

Speaker 1 still be sitting there going, I have no experience, I don't know what to do working in a pasta place? Or you want to be in this fucking pasta place and you know how to play a couple of songs?

Speaker 1 Dude, you'll be fucking excited, man. If you actually, if this is what you really want to do, you'll be at work thinking about it.
Can't wait to get home and play the fucking piano

Speaker 1 or try my singing some songs or whatever. And then once you get that, then that gets in your DNA.

Speaker 1 And when you have stuff to look forward to in life, all of a sudden shit that you don't look forward to, you start looking at it like, why the fuck am I doing this?

Speaker 1 This sucks. You know? I don't want to do this.
And then that gets you out of that and you start going down a path of what the fuck you want to do then

Speaker 1 the other side of that is then your whole fucking life is nothing but fun shit then when you actually have to do shit that you don't want to do like go down to the fucking dmv and find the title for your goddamn prius right then you can be a big fucking baby about it so there is there's always a price to pay but dude that's what i would do i would i would stop listening right now and sign up for those lessons and go in there And just tell your teacher, say, this is something I've always wanted to do.

Speaker 1 I'm just nervous about it. Just fucking, just say what you said to me.
And they'll be like, all right, all right, well, let's

Speaker 1 get you on that, dude. And you'll be fucking playing piano.

Speaker 1 Boom!

Speaker 1 That's how easy it is to make a change in your life. Just fucking pick up the phone, say what you want to do, and then when it's time, you show up and you do it, and then you're doing it, you know?

Speaker 1 You just got to get around all those mental blocks. So I hope you listen to me, man, because you're only 18 years old.
So it's not like you're 50, 60.

Speaker 1 And even then, I would still tell you to do it, because who gives a fuck whether you get anywhere with it? But if you want to do that,

Speaker 3 you know, you should do it.

Speaker 1 All right.

Speaker 1 That's it for that. Okay.

Speaker 1 Asian needs advice from Bill Burr. Bill, I love your podcast, and you're really awesome.

Speaker 1 Asian male,

Speaker 1 Chinese with squinty fucking eyes and can't drive for shit. Dude, you don't got a shit on yourself.

Speaker 1 Anyways, I need your advice. I came to America.
I guess I always do. I'm a bald, pasty cunt.

Speaker 1 Anyways, I need your advice. I came to America a year ago, and I really love tall, slim, Irish, German girls with red hair.
Jesus Christ, I just missed.

Speaker 1 I just missed being your fucking dream boat. I think they're beautiful.
Well, I'm not tall, am I?

Speaker 1 Blonde is beautiful, too. Never seen such beauty where I'm from.
Holy moly. The problem is, I'm not like tall and confident like white guys, and I live in Texas.

Speaker 1 Jesus Christ, dude, this is a fucking reality show waiting to happen.

Speaker 1 I tried to ask this redhead at the gym out, and she won't take me seriously. All right, time the fuck out.

Speaker 1 Dude, hat off to you

Speaker 1 for the fucking balls you got. You came here from China, you've learned the fucking language, right? You're in Texas, you're at the gym, you're talking shit, right?

Speaker 1 Gives a fuck. You went up to the plate, you didn't get on base.
Who gives a shit? Talk to another redhead. Talk to a blonde.
Talk to whatever the fuck you want to keep talking to him.

Speaker 1 He He said, What do I need to do to date a redhead?

Speaker 1 Oh, Jesus Christ. Wait, because I'm a redhead, like I know there's some secret fucking handshake.

Speaker 1 He said they want me to be their Asian friend, but I really want to marry them, bang them, and have cute kids. This is driving me nuts.
I mean, am I going against nature?

Speaker 1 Is an Asian guy dating white girls frowned upon and not accepted in America? Thanks in advance.

Speaker 1 I don't really cuss that much and don't mean to offend you, but wanted to talk and act like you jimmy chow out um

Speaker 1 yeah yeah okay is is asian guys dating white guys frowned upon like everything is frowned upon in every fucking country generally speaking people are afraid of anything fucking new who gives a shit literally like that guy before me who said he wanted to play piano if he told somebody he wanted to do that you know um

Speaker 1 I think initially people would be encouraging or whatever.

Speaker 1 There's always going to be people telling you not to do shit. Is this what you want to do, sir?

Speaker 1 Yes, then I would go out and do it. All right.

Speaker 1 So it sounds like to me from your email that you've,

Speaker 1 you know, I don't know. It's like you just got into the majors.
Okay. It's the first week.
You haven't gotten your first hit yet. What are you going to do? You're just going to quit baseball?

Speaker 1 Go back down to the minors? Fuck that. I would keep talking.
Every time you hit on a woman, you get better at it. All right? And

Speaker 1 I would just continue. Like, you're doing everything you need to do.
You're going to the gym, you're staying in shape,

Speaker 1 and you're talking shit. I mean,

Speaker 1 I don't see anything wrong with your game plan other than you know, it hasn't happened for you yet. And

Speaker 1 this is something,

Speaker 1 you know, it's going to take a minute. You know, if you just walk up and talk to some chick at the gym and get laid, I mean, then everybody would be fucking doing it.

Speaker 1 The reason why most people don't do it is because they know that 99.9% of the time you're going going to get the fucking Heisman. Hey, easy, easy.
This is my elliptical over here.

Speaker 1 This is your elliptical over there, right? Fuck off, right? And for all the women there going like, can you just like not hit on us at the gym? Can you just fucking not?

Speaker 1 Can I just have this fucking place? Hey, they make gyms for that. They make the all ladies fucking gyms.
All right?

Speaker 1 The fuck, you're going to go there working out looking good and then you're upset that a guy's coming up and hitting on you?

Speaker 1 Someday, ladies, someday they're not gonna want to talk to you take it from somebody okay who the women they don't even they they don't even like

Speaker 1 you don't even like register

Speaker 1 like i'm i'm like i'm a fuck i'm a sir i became a sir or a mister like fucking 15 years ago and it's over

Speaker 1 all right okay boyfriends obsessed with video games now i know somebody's gonna send me an email oh i was fucking they're gonna talk about some borderline sexual assault thing obviously that's not what i'm talking about.

Speaker 1 I'm just talking about a little playful flirtation of someone who wants to fuck you. Boyfriend's obsessed with video games.
How far into this podcast am I? All right.

Speaker 1 This one's going to be a little bit short. I usually go a little over an hour, but that's when I'm going to have to stop today because I got to go into fucking, I got to go to woke.

Speaker 1 Boyfriend's obsessed with video games. Hey, Buffalo Bill.
I love your podcast and I'm a huge fan. My boyfriend and I love,

Speaker 1 both love to listen to your rants about whatever bullshit comes to mind.

Speaker 1 I myself have ADD and can find myself rambling about something completely different than whatever it was I started to ramble about.

Speaker 1 Anyway, my boyfriend has always been a huge fan of video games and he can play them all day if he could.

Speaker 1 More recently, he has been obsessed with one game in particular. for the last eight plus month and has really put a strain on our relationship.

Speaker 1 He will turn on his Xbox from the second he gets home until about four hours before he has worked the next morning. Jesus.

Speaker 1 So we pretty much spend no time together

Speaker 1 unless it's me watching him play with his friends. He talks to his friends while he plays online, in which case, even if I do say something to him, he either doesn't hear me or just ignores me.

Speaker 1 I've tried talking to him about it, and he refuses to change or compromise. It's even started to affect our sex life.
Well, I imagine it would. because he has no time for sexy time.

Speaker 1 We are both still young and in our late 20s, and I hate that I'm practically begging him to turn off the game so we can canodle in the sheets.

Speaker 1 I've been contemplating just breaking off our relationship of five plus years because it's been this way for months, and it has only gotten worse.

Speaker 1 I'd love to hear what the wise Nia has to say as well. Thanks for all the good laughs, and congratulations on both of you on the new baby birth.
Thank you.

Speaker 1 Unfortunately, Nia's not here. Let me see if I can get her.
Hold on one second.

Speaker 1 Okay, she's on on her way down. I would say, first of all, you've been together for five plus years.

Speaker 1 Initially, my first thought when you were doing this is what I would do if

Speaker 1 what would make me pay attention is I would just start going out with your friends and just start wearing fucking sexy outfits and shit. And he'll get the message immediately.

Speaker 1 If you walk out the door looking good and he's sitting there fucking playing video games and stuff, and he,

Speaker 1 if he doesn't get that that hint, then yeah, you got to be thinking, like, well, what the

Speaker 1 this guy's just, this guy's more interested in this shit than

Speaker 1 what I'm doing over here with my fucking Christmas leggings, going out to a Christmas party, dressed like a fucking hot piece of ash over here. That's that's what the fuck I would do.

Speaker 1 You've already tried to talk to him. I got to be honest with you, I understand people becoming obsessed with video games.
It's why I don't play them. But to me,

Speaker 1 I'm a bit of a cunt when it comes to video games. To me, that's a child activity.
You You know what I mean? Like, what is this person working towards? What do they have for a fucking job?

Speaker 1 They come home from their job and they just play a video game for the whole fucking rest of the day. It does not sound like a driven man.

Speaker 1 That's another fucking red flag.

Speaker 1 So that's what I would. I would just start building a life.

Speaker 1 Initially, I would start building a life without him to see if he notices. And maybe you guys can get back to where you were.

Speaker 1 Or if he doesn't notice, then you already have a head start on getting the fuck away from this guy. So, the lovely Nia's here.
I'm going to hit pause and let her read this email.

Speaker 1 Or, Nia, if you just want to, if you can just read this while I continue to ramble here,

Speaker 1 it starts right here. My boyfriend's been a fan of the video games.
Yada, yada, yada, and all that shit. So, that's basically

Speaker 1 that's what I would do. And as I mentioned a long time ago, the last video game that I played was Grand Theft Auto 3, and it literally consumed my life.
I would be walking

Speaker 1 to the comedy clubs getting on a bunch and I would be thinking about the game when

Speaker 1 I wasn't even at home.

Speaker 1 I'd be waiting to go on stage thinking about, okay, you know, I'll finish this set and I'll go home and I'll use the cheats and I'll just go on a fucking rampage and all that shit.

Speaker 1 And it just kind of took over my life. So here's the lovely Nia with her advice.
Oh.

Speaker 4 First of all, can I just say that this problem really sucks and that's really annoying and that you're both in your 20s and he's like addicted to playing video games.

Speaker 4 I'm sorry, but that's a lame ass and you need to move on. Seriously?

Speaker 4 Five years, five plus years. It's been this way for months and it's only gotten worse.

Speaker 1 Yeah.

Speaker 4 You said you tried to talk to him about it and he refuses to change or compromise. Well, it's just, yeah, he he obviously his priorities are this video game.

Speaker 4 I don't know if he is, is there something else going on in your relationship, or did he have some kind of

Speaker 4 something bad happen recently that he doesn't want to deal with or something? And that's why he's so consumed by the video games.

Speaker 4 Because I'm just trying to think, like, what normal, healthy, happy person just all of a sudden doesn't want to bang his bra. Yeah, and hands over his life to a video game.

Speaker 4 Like, I feel like something happened and he's not able to, like, But you talk too quietly.

Speaker 4 Okay, because you're sticking it in my face.

Speaker 1 Well, because you do this, you start talking all the way over here and the people can't hear you. Oh, okay.
Looking at the levels here. All right.
So

Speaker 1 sorry, that's all.

Speaker 4 Yeah, I would not necessarily say, listen, it's the video games or me, but you can just say something along those lines of like, listen, I feel like I'm not a priority in your life.

Speaker 4 And if that's the case, then we really need to talk about this relationship.

Speaker 4 Because if you're not not into it, then just let me go so I can find somebody who's into me and is going to pay attention to me and not their Xbox.

Speaker 1 This is what I was saying. She should do.
She should just fucking dress like a whore and go out that night and just see if he notices, like, just have like fucking, you know,

Speaker 1 the fucking thigh highs on and all that shit. If he doesn't get it, then thigh highs.
Yeah, just dress like a fucking whore. Thigh highs.

Speaker 1 There's stockings, they go up to your thighs and then they stop, and there's this glorious little fucking

Speaker 1 hint of leg you're so old that you feel like women are going out and like thigh hides like they're like saloon mistresses like on westworld why because i came of age in the 1800s why you guys why are you acting like you guys don't always hoar it up every fucking holiday you whore it up on your birthday you whore it up on halloween you whore it up on christmas sex it up it's called being sexy sexing it up sexing it up sexing it up putting your clam on the fucking platter that's what you guys do it's different

Speaker 4 titties out clam peeking out from underneath the sheet no because i don't i don't believe in that passive aggressive shit it's just like listen motherfucker are you into this or not because if not then i need to move on the thing is though honey he's made his choice that's what i think that you don't necessarily want to fully admit to he's made his choice he's more interested in the video game for whatever reason he won't talk about it he won't compromise he's made his choice maybe he's not into the relationship anymore.

Speaker 4 Is that a possibility? Is it a possibility that he

Speaker 1 maybe she needs to ore it up?

Speaker 4 She's saying she's like trying to, she's trying to like beg him to even have sex, which is ridiculous.

Speaker 4 It could be that he's just not into the relationship anymore and he's such a fucking pussy ass puss that he's waiting for you to be the one to dump him.

Speaker 1 Because a lot of people do that. A pussy ass puss.
What is that? I don't even know.

Speaker 4 But you know, some people are they don't want to be the bad guy or they're just immature and cowardly.

Speaker 4 So they don't want to say, listen, I think we should break up because they feel guilty because it's been five plus years.

Speaker 4 So they do shit like this to like make you be the one to break up with them because they're cowards. You know what I mean? So it is possible.

Speaker 1 So in conclusion, what do you say? I'd say dump his ass. Bye.

Speaker 1 There you go. All right.
See you then.

Speaker 1 All right. You want to listen to me read read out loud? Oh, God.

Speaker 1 I know.

Speaker 1 You know, this will be hilarious.

Speaker 1 A fucking baby realizes that I'm not good at reading. What age do you think they're going to be? Fucking turn around and kind of look up at me like

Speaker 1 mommy doesn't sound like this. You'll be good at reading like children's stories.

Speaker 1 All right, I walked into that one. All right, here's some adult advertising.
Guess what, folks? That's the podcast for this week's, this week's, this week.

Speaker 1 And I got to get the fuck out of here because I got to go to work. I got to go edit, edit, edit, edit, edit, edit.
So

Speaker 1 that's it. Go fuck yourselves, and I will check in on you on Thursday.

Speaker 1 What's up, everybody? Welcome back to the Anything Better podcast show, NFL edition, going into week number 14.

Speaker 1 With your host, Paul Verze, Bill Burr, we got the Greek Freak producer, and of course, Jake the Snake on our injury report.

Speaker 1 before we get started with today's show I got to shout out the BetMGM app the BetMGM best lines out there guys and if you use our code that's burr B-U-R-R you can

Speaker 1 well first of all you got to download the app that's how you get started four easy steps and then you put up to ten dollars in Okay, and then you put a wager in with ten dollars and if your bet loses you'll get fifteen hundred dollars in bonus bets after your first wager is settled very easy gamble responsibly Um, I was lucky this week because I went 4-0, but one of them had me on the fucking one of them had me.

Speaker 1 Actually, I just looked up.

Speaker 1 You're almost four years in a row beating the book. This isn't luck at this point.

Speaker 1 Ah, well, we'll see. It's only, I'm only a couple, you know, I'm not fully up yet.
I got to be like 15 to 20 up. But anyway, well, how far up are you? You just want to be able to do that.

Speaker 1 I think I'm 12 games. I think I'm 12 games above.

Speaker 1 Dude, that's fucking insane. You went down like seven, eight games.

Speaker 1 I was down eight games after week five.

Speaker 1 It's 20-game turnaround, dude. Uh,

Speaker 1 yeah. Well, you know,

Speaker 1 don't fucking play modest. Hey, Bill.
I know you're walking around your house talk. Paul Verde, modest Paul Versey.
I don't know that guy. Bill, I got to tell you something.

Speaker 1 I think it's going to put you in a good mood. You see the hat I'm wearing right now? Does it look familiar? This was the hat I threw off of my head on the 18th green in Vegas.
Oh my God.

Speaker 1 That was one of my favorite things ever. The glasses first.

Speaker 1 You chipped in. And then I hugged a stranger that I just met two hours earlier.
He was your caddy. He was your catty.
He was a caddy, but I hugged him from behind and screamed, yeah.

Speaker 1 Paul, what's going on in New York? We were just talking about it. That CEO got fucking whacked.
Oh, my God, dude. You know what's funny? I was going to read an article guy.

Speaker 1 They go, oh, my God, he's such a great guy. He had a wife and kids, and he's such a great guy.

Speaker 1 And then you find out he and the other guys he's working for are getting sued for 121 million dollars for dumping a stock and not letting the other people know it's like there's your motives dude anytime i hear ceo of one of the biggest health care it's like i i you don't wish it on anybody you feel horrible for his kids and his wife of course but dude when i saw that and i saw what was it what what is more heartless than a ceo of a corporation the decision in healthcare the decisions that they make this is the thing i'm not saying what happened should have happened, but I'm just for them to be like, oh, this is like, why would anybody want to do this?

Speaker 1 It's like they're denying claims and people are dying. The food supply is poisoned.
It's like the fucking motive out there is wild. It's right up there, Paul, with getting life insurance.

Speaker 1 The second you get life insurance, whoever is the beneficiary immediately has motive. You are now worth such and such an amount of money if you're not alive.
And there you are talking.

Speaker 1 That's the first time in my lifetime, in my lifetime, where I saw surveillance of something that was like a fucking movie where the guy just stood out holding the gun, silencer hat, shot him and just went off.

Speaker 1 That was fucking wild to see. My buddy, who's a cop, like, was like, did you see the surveillance? And when I saw him step out, I was like, is this real? That was nuts, dude.

Speaker 1 That's so funny. Is this real? Paul, are you watching the world? I was like, I saw fucking Vladimir Putin.
He's over there. He's got like musk.

Speaker 1 He just, you fucking put the cologne on, and all of a a sudden you start breaking out. And like three days later, you're dead.
It's fucking brutal.

Speaker 1 I thought the most disturbing thing about it was that they had survey, camera surveillance of the guy from there all the way up to Central Park. It's like, what sort of Big Brother City is that?

Speaker 1 Yeah.

Speaker 1 Yeah. And they just, yeah, and then they got him in a bank now.
And they were like, dude, that's not the same fucking guy, like different jacket, different. I don't think they know.

Speaker 1 They got to get him a cup of coffee. Well, this is the thing, Paul.
They did.

Speaker 1 The thing about those those um murders is if there's no connection to you to you and the victim you've never met you've never spoken and you have no priors or anything like that that's that you're in the wind like i don't know how the you would get that they got he's he's covered up like this i don't know it's it's it's you know it's up paul is i've been doing a bit in my act talking about how it was better when the mob was running shit because they were regulated simply because what they were doing was illegal and i know that they were making a bunch of money but they couldn't be flashing around they had wars they whacked each other and i was saying like how great would it be

Speaker 1 to see like you know the head of you know uh walmart gets whacked by the head of the target guy have a nice old-fashioned war just thin the herd and keep everybody honest but the problem is those guys are all on the legal side of stealing And all of those politicians, they give the politicians the heads up and then they turn around,

Speaker 1 they make all these fucking money. Andrew, Andrew, what the fuck were you saying? Nancy Pelosi just made nine million bucks on some.

Speaker 1 They're gangsters, dude. Fucking gangsters.
And then one of them gets whacked or something. They're like, oh, look good.
He was such a good guy. It's a dirty game, Paul.
Healthcare. Healthcare.

Speaker 1 Dirty game. It's a dirty game.
I tweeted last night. I go, the CEO of Aetna called a meeting today.
They're going to re-look at some of those claims they denied. Jesus, dude.
Yeah.

Speaker 1 And but so I heard an ex-military guy go, because two ex-military guys talked, and then John Walsh from America's Most Wanted talked. John Walsh doesn't think it was a professional.

Speaker 1 This ex-military guy said the way he was standing and the way he held his gun was definitely some training involved. But the weird thing was, knowing the guy was going to be there at 6 a.m.

Speaker 1 in the morning, they said the dude knew he'd be there and the dude was there for hours. But here's my question, Paul.
Why is there this level of coverage?

Speaker 1 Somebody gets gunned down in New York every fucking day. Now, all of a sudden, all these experts have to weigh in.

Speaker 1 Yeah. That's because of the status.
We can't have white guys in suits getting whacked.

Speaker 1 Like, we got to find this fucking guy. Dude, that, like, that thing right there, dude,

Speaker 1 that fucking right there, that sent a ripple shockwave.

Speaker 1 Dude, Bill Clinton fucking got up from Epstein Island and said, what happened?

Speaker 1 I think the, no, no, he said, I think the record shows. I think the record, no, no, I'm saying like those people are all talking about it under their mountain or whatever.

Speaker 1 That fucking thing, dude, they don't give a fuck. Paul, if you came up and you whacked me because I fucking took your fucking whatever, your picks for the week,

Speaker 1 that just, yeah, that's fucking page 19 of the post. You start whacking a fucking CEO

Speaker 1 when a white guy in his suit can't walk into a five-star fucking hotel without getting shot by a silencer. Yeah, they get nervous.
Yeah, dude. That was, man.

Speaker 1 Yeah, it was insane. It's insane.
I feel bad for his family and all of that type of stuff. I'm not saying that shit, but I'm sitting sitting there, you know,

Speaker 1 I'm sitting there saying, I ain't gonna make coffee get well.

Speaker 1 Oh, the lights come on. Gingers do not look good with overhead lighting.

Speaker 1 Especially bald ones. I'm just saying, like,

Speaker 1 this thing that they're showing, the way they're spinning, like, how dangerous is New York? that a white guy in a suit can't walk around. It's like, that's not why they're doing that, dude.

Speaker 1 That's because, hey, that guy was making us a lot of money.

Speaker 1 Dude, I bet all those Giuliani guys were going, dude, was that you? Did you call that? Was that us? Was that us? Because I didn't hear on the meeting. Am I next? Am I next?

Speaker 1 Oh, dude, there was some like they were all nervous. Going, wait a minute, wait a minute.

Speaker 1 That's actually a great point. Please tell me that was just some random dude.
That's it. That was inside, and I didn't know that that was happening.

Speaker 1 I got a green light on me.

Speaker 1 He starts dying his hair again.

Speaker 1 Yeah, man. That was.

Speaker 1 Oh, is there anything else?

Speaker 1 I just feel for the kids. That's all I give a fan.
I do too. And I feel for his wife.
And I also feel for that guy because I looked at his dumb face and I'm like, this guy just did this career.

Speaker 1 And it's just as you're moving up and you're moving up, more of your soul has to fucking go away. That's a soulless fucking business, dude.
Yeah.

Speaker 1 Yeah. And I healthcare.
United is the biggest healthcare company in the world. Dude, that's a big whacking.
It's a big one.

Speaker 1 I'm telling you, Paul, like they, they, you know, whatever they were talking about today,

Speaker 1 you know, in their big Illuminati meeting, that was definitely, you know,

Speaker 1 is there over there drinking virgin blood? Like, dude, you see that fucking CEO? Dude, you got to do a bit. That's a funny bit how guys are going, hey, like trying to feel their friends out.

Speaker 1 Hey, did you see what happened? Is that us? That was us. Was that us?

Speaker 1 That's funny. Hey, man, like, I know that was kind of a public thing and you can't tell too many people, but like, you know, I

Speaker 1 kind of thought I was in the circle. I thought I was in the circle of trust.
Like at 7:30. Hey, dude, you see the news this morning? You don't even say what it was.
You just find

Speaker 1 he goes to the Illuminati Mountain and he's got his passcard. He goes, please work, please work, please work.

Speaker 1 He puts a card up. Fuck.

Speaker 1 Dude, that's.

Speaker 1 Yeah, man. That's.
Look, I just want my in and my out. Okay.

Speaker 1 I just want enough.

Speaker 1 that's why this show is the funniest it's the best paul is there anything better than when you had a busy morning you didn't have coffee and you have the caffeine headache that first sip i understand heroin oh i mean you're a different man from when we first logged on

Speaker 1 no but that's oh oh when i was driving oh and i took the wrong highway to get over here well i mean come on those those were some extreme uh that was like effect snow the emotional version of that um

Speaker 1 yeah dude i was i was my buddy sent me that and they were and then the guy's gun it's so funny how everybody knows everyone's dude is gun jammed three times i'm like well he fucking got he did what he had to do which is horrible no but he unjammed it i was talking to an ex-cot and he was talking about that going like no but he cleared it but then he was also saying but like would a pro have a fucking gun that what is it dirty or fucked up or whatever and i said i don't know might have been one of those fucking stupid guns you make who knows paul but i gotta tell you this is the biggest whacking I feel since that fucking guy outside his Fox Steakhouse.

Speaker 1 But is this the first one you ever saw?

Speaker 1 What do you mean?

Speaker 1 I was saying before, I think this is the first whacking that you actually saw. Like with Paul Castellano, there were no cameras.
So you just saw his body. Oh, yeah, Paul.
It was the 80s. Yeah.

Speaker 1 Catalytic converters. The fucking Cadillac was this big.
There was nowhere for him to hide. Yeah, and you just saw like a hand.

Speaker 1 With all those crime video, those mob, old mobs, you just see like fat fingers under a car.

Speaker 1 You don't see, but this was the first time I actually saw the guy walk up and do it, which was actually creepy to me to see that. Well, it should be.
Well, I don't watch any of those beheading videos.

Speaker 1 I never watched that shit. No, no, I never watched that shit.
So, um, you know, why I'll never get killed in the morning? Hey, because I'm sleeping, all right?

Speaker 1 You got to wait till lunchtime to get me. Now, wait a minute, Paul.
He came home at 7 a.m. and you've been known to go till 9 a.m.
drinking.

Speaker 1 That's true. No blow, no PEDs, not like these other guys that fucking.

Speaker 1 No, no, no, I'll go.

Speaker 1 I just picture a hitman trying to get me like, dude, this guy sleeps. He's yawning.

Speaker 1 Is this the one?

Speaker 1 They would know, though. They would be watching you.

Speaker 1 They'd be like, all right, he gets up at

Speaker 1 fucking 11:31

Speaker 1 every day.

Speaker 1 He's calling it. He stands in front of this mirror.

Speaker 1 I love that your daughter does that impression.

Speaker 1 Oh, my son and daughter. They all, my whole family,

Speaker 1 they do the mouth. They do the whole fucking, they do the whole thing.
God forbid, dude. God forbid.
So, you know what's creepy is that guy knew days before, like, I'm going to New York.

Speaker 1 That's what's wild.

Speaker 1 But yeah, dude, there's motive with healthcare. Paul, I got to tell you something.
Like, all of these, the corporations that profit off of war,

Speaker 1 these people that have covered things up, these corporations that have killed people, all of those people, there's motive for all of that.

Speaker 1 It's just they got it all fucking sewed up where CNN and Fox News, they never rat those guys out, ever, ever. They never talk about that shit.
They'll go political.

Speaker 1 They'll fuck over, you know, oh my God, Joe Biden's son, he's pardoning fucking Joe Biden. How dumb is that? How dumb is the right-wing outrage about that?

Speaker 1 It's so fucking stupid. It's like your guy is going to go in and pardon himself.
Oh, fucking that's because the liberal. It's just like your team cheats, mine doesn't.
It's so dumb.

Speaker 1 It's the dude, if my son beats somebody to death in a fucking Macy's and I'm the president, he's walking. He's just walking.

Speaker 1 I don't know what you're talking about. You can't go with me on that one.
No, I'll say he's getting mentally ill. We got to do something about it.
We'll put him away somewhere.

Speaker 1 I'm in a protective custody, but you know, if my kid kills somebody, no, you can't have, you can't have that. You can't have that out there.
No, no,

Speaker 1 and I got to walk away from you.

Speaker 1 Yeah,

Speaker 1 I have no fucking

Speaker 1 Andrew. Uh, let's get into the picks here.
I believe it's week 14, which means

Speaker 1 is it Bill's pick? It's Bill's pick, I believe.

Speaker 1 Yeah, it's Bill. It's your pick.
I thought I picked first last week. Oh, what did I just do? What did I just do?

Speaker 1 Where's where are the oh, the picks are over here? Andrew, are you there?

Speaker 1 Yes.

Speaker 1 Did Bill go first last week?

Speaker 1 You know, you guys had swapped it once. I'm trying to remember.

Speaker 1 Bill was going first this year, which is odd. So, but then you had swapped this.

Speaker 1 I think you went 4-0.

Speaker 1 Give a guy a chance here. Yeah, yeah.
Bill

Speaker 1 Lions went in by 20 points and then almost losing the game. No games ever over, Paul.
Watch all those commercials. Andrew, I need the lines up if you can.
And we have no Jake to snake.

Speaker 1 We got Jake. Oh, there he is.

Speaker 1 Jake, what's going on?

Speaker 1 Jake, I was wondering if you had one of your bitches in there. What movie? What movie? Come on, guys.
What movie?

Speaker 1 I know exactly what he's talking to. What's his face?

Speaker 1 Stacks. Yes, Sam Jackson.
He goes, I thought you had one of your bitches in here.

Speaker 1 He goes, I did. Shit, where'd she go?

Speaker 1 The way he says bitches, you can tell how racist this character is.

Speaker 3 That's one of your bitches in here.

Speaker 1 Jake, what do we got? Any

Speaker 1 injuries, injuries, big ones, other than McCaffrey?

Speaker 3 Yeah, we got big ones. Trevor Lawrence is out for the year for the Jags after that hit he took last week.
And then Christian McCaffrey is also out for the year.

Speaker 3 His season is over after the injury he had against Buffalo. And then the good news is Matt Stafford, there's a report saying he sprained his ankle, but he practiced full yesterday.

Speaker 3 So he's going to be out there. So those are the big ones that I saw.

Speaker 1 Underrated Hall of Fame career and great career, Matt Stafford. Yeah.
Super Bowl champion. Underrated on this podcast, Jake the Snake.
I mean, Jake comes in.

Speaker 1 Look, Jake comes in and he just gives you the goods right out of the gate.

Speaker 1 He's backlit. I always love that he's backlit like he's some holy deity.
And then he, you know what he does, Paul? He brings a professionalism. He's got the aura behind him.
He is.

Speaker 1 We're going to lose him to ESPN any day now. Well, I just want to say, you know, go, it's a kid's day.
Go get the bag. All right.
It's going to be, it's gonna be Steve, Stephen A. Smith.

Speaker 1 You wrap that thing, Jake. You stay away from them.
Hoo-ah.

Speaker 1 It's gonna be Stephen A. Smith yelling, Stephen A.
Smith yelling, and then Paul just going, Well, I just Jake just going, I disagree. Oh, I would be heartbroken if I saw Stephen A.

Speaker 1 Smith yelling at Jake.

Speaker 1 Jake, are you out of your mind? Jake's like, I want to go back to anything better. But I was feeling Stephen A.
Smith is kind of cartoony upset. It's that other guy.

Speaker 1 Shannon was a little scared.

Speaker 1 Oh, whatever.

Speaker 1 Skip.

Speaker 1 Skip Stevenson. What's his name? Skip Bayless.
Skip, yeah, that fucking guy. It's just like, I wouldn't be surprised if you even watched his sports.
No, he got fired from everywhere.

Speaker 1 Andrew, can you put the lines up? Wait, there we go. Skip Bayless got fired.
Well, he got fired. Yeah, he got fired from him.

Speaker 1 Yeah, they didn't renew his first take contract. They didn't renew his first take contract, then Shannon Sharp left him because he didn't, I mean, the guy, you know, the guy's a mess.

Speaker 1 Shannon Sharp, that was the smartest move ever because, you know, there was only so long Shannon could handle a skip in his life before he had assault charges.

Speaker 1 I don't know how you could sit across as a man who played the game at the level that he did, talking to some little shit named Skip in a fucking suit who's telling you you didn't know what you were talking about.

Speaker 1 I mean, the level of patience that Shannon showed, it was a level of maturity. That's what they say.
Hey, Paul, guess what? Game's sticking out to me because I don't know shit about football anymore.

Speaker 1 I'm going to say the Dolphins. Oh,

Speaker 1 Leigh.

Speaker 1 What did I do last week? Did I go 0-4 mercifully? Was it a 2 behind the year? No, you won. You definitely won one, I saw.

Speaker 1 One and three. Yeah.

Speaker 3 Hell yeah.

Speaker 1 Andrew Smith. You know what I'm on this show for, Paul, is to give people realistic expectations.
Andrew Themlis be a rare one in three for Themless. Jake the Snake two and two.

Speaker 1 Jake the Snake holding 500. Dude, what's his face? Andrew is stealthily.

Speaker 1 He's running right there with you. And you know what it is, Paul? But everybody talks talks about you because you're in the New York market.

Speaker 1 Andrew's feed is in the middle of LA, so nobody cares. And there's Paul, you know, all Sicilian.
He's got the hat, Pauly Cutlets.

Speaker 1 It writes itself. Somebody got black right down the street.

Speaker 1 It's fucking exciting. All right, I'm not taking the Dolphins lane six.
Fuck that.

Speaker 3 Fuck that.

Speaker 1 What do you got?

Speaker 1 i'll tell you what i got all i got nothing i'm just looking at whatever whoever's got a plus sign i'm not gonna lie i hate this week really tough week it's a tough week oh you guys are bitches um

Speaker 1 what are we doing we're picking numbers there come on i don't like it man i got a bad feeling about this one sarge i would go with the um

Speaker 1 I just love Baker Mayfield. I fucking love that guy.
He's a winner. He proved Colin Cowherd wrong time and time again, and we're still waiting for him to apologize.
And he hasn't.

Speaker 3 Therefore,

Speaker 1 I'm taking

Speaker 1 Baker Mayfield laying six and a half at home against the Raiders.

Speaker 1 I do love the Raiders, though. Somewhere along the line, Paul, I became a big Raiders fan.

Speaker 1 Why is I'm not around there, fans?

Speaker 3 I'm a big Raiders fan.

Speaker 1 I'm going to take the Cardinals at home minus two and a half against the Seahawks.

Speaker 1 I just don't think the Seahawks are that good. And if the game was in Seattle, I may not do it with this line.
But at home, I think the Cardinals can win by three. I'm going to take the Cardinals.

Speaker 1 All right, I'm going to go Monday night, Paul, and I'm going to take the Cowboys plus six and a half. That's the shit show that is the Cowboys.

Speaker 1 Oh, I'm going to take them plus six and a half because that's a classic fucking game where you're like, Joe Burr is going to come in there. The Cowboys are a fucking mess.

Speaker 1 He's going to throw it all over the yard. Yeah, he's going to do that in the first half.
And then inexplicably, the Cowboys are going to come back and cover.

Speaker 1 Sorry, I'm a little fucking, I'm a little, you know, I'm a little hurt this week with what the Lions did to me.

Speaker 1 Not only did they do it to me, I got no phone call from that organization going up by 20 points, making me all excited.

Speaker 1 You know, the Lions play the Packers tonight, and the Packers are getting three and a half, and I just don't want to touch it. I don't know why, because the Lions are at home.

Speaker 1 I just don't like it, but I'll tell you what. Well, maybe you want to enjoy your Thursday night.
I'll tell you what I do like.

Speaker 1 I'll tell you what I do like.

Speaker 1 This is the one game I looked at, and I go, eh, maybe.

Speaker 1 I'm going to take the Chargers getting four against the Chiefs in Kansas City. I think everybody and their mother thinks the Chiefs are going to win this game, and they may win the game.

Speaker 1 I like the four points, and I think the Chargers need to hang with them to show that they could go on a little run. Um, who knows?

Speaker 1 Jim Harbaugh likes these kinds of games, he gets his guys up for these kinds of games. I'm expecting a big game from Justin Herbert.
I got the Chargers on the road, dude.

Speaker 1 The Raiders lost them that game. The Raiders weren't.
The quarterback wasn't looking at the snap or the game's over. I like the Chargers.

Speaker 1 All right.

Speaker 1 All right.

Speaker 1 I'm just feeling suicidal this week, so I'm going to fucking take the Panthers. Oh!

Speaker 3 They burned me bad last week.

Speaker 1 I can't even say this without laughing. I'm going to take the Panthers getting 12 and a half against that fucking head case and his team.

Speaker 1 Saquon Barkley, who's just playing like a friggin superhero.

Speaker 1 And I just feel like they come out and they fucking stomp the shit out of him in the first fucking half. And then they just sort of crawl back and they're going to cover.

Speaker 1 There's no sports show that gives pics funnier than this. It just doesn't exist.
Dude, that fucking guy, he's all Nikki down there.

Speaker 1 Old Nikki, Nikki voices.

Speaker 1 You want to know why? Because

Speaker 1 when Nick puts his head on the pillow at night, ball, it takes a lot of fucking pharmaceutical work to get that fucking brain to go to sleep. Nikki voices.

Speaker 1 you're not good enough yes i am i am good

Speaker 1 he's just arguing with himself as his wife's rubbing his head

Speaker 1 no other show will start laughing before a pick it's great um all right let me see here i used to know a club owner that looked like him when he uh i'm not gonna say who it's way back it was a satellite room but when he had his winter hat on and he looked at the camera and did that fucking nod dude that was like i was just like this this guy is, he's, he's insane.

Speaker 1 Did they take this guy out of a casino? Like, who does, who does that?

Speaker 1 As a coach, when he was going like, and he looked at the thing, yeah. No, they nodded vigorously.
Like, you know, like those fucking non-athletic fat fucks in the crowd, and the game's about to start.

Speaker 1 And they're going,

Speaker 1 and they're nodding because they saw a blue chip wide receiver do it. And now they're like, they've got that man tits fucking jiggling.
Like, that's, oh, fuck. Is the guy in seat 28A? Is he amped up

Speaker 1 remember he looked at the fans and he goes see ya when they won because they were yelling at him he goes oh

Speaker 1 i love that because paul you gotta understand in life it's never about what somebody says it's the subtext yeah it's the what what they were saying to him

Speaker 1 was so like lining up to what the voices in his head say

Speaker 3 Okay, and then he won.

Speaker 1 He wasn't yelling at them.

Speaker 1 He was yelling at his inner turmoil.

Speaker 1 no you called rex ryan dude you called rex ryan like week five of that four of that guy's career you called him i dude listen game recognizes game okay

Speaker 1 i can i can spot somebody out of their mind struggling as they're smiling for a family photo. I'm like, that guy's barely hanging on.

Speaker 1 I feel you. You want a cup of coffee? You want to dump your your day on me? Because I know your wife's sick of hearing it.
You fucking unload it.

Speaker 1 You call, dude, you called him early and we're right.

Speaker 1 I know. And if he wasn't, if he wasn't head coach of the Jets and we weren't rivals, there still was a part of me rooting for him because, you know, I just, I, you know, I see, I just

Speaker 1 fucking,

Speaker 3 you needed a hug.

Speaker 1 We go out there and show them we're the best fucking team and just

Speaker 1 leaning and he's dropping all those f-bombs trying to just trying we're gonna go out there and kick the shit out of him that's what we're gonna do and we're and it was just

Speaker 1 we're gonna show all these sports providers that i'm just as good as my dad

Speaker 1 even though he was too busy coaching football to hug me or my brother

Speaker 1 imagine if he did that he's like we're gonna go kick the shit out of him now the meeting's over and he just went in his office and he sat down and went like this

Speaker 1 dude that's an SNL sketch. Remember Sub Liminal, man?

Speaker 1 You just have the subtext guy right next to him.

Speaker 1 Hey, man, you ready for this? Absolutely. Like, the guy's like, dude, I am shitting myself right now.

Speaker 1 If I could go into a closet right now and just cry and have a robot do this job for me, I think. I think I would feel better.
Oh, my God. All right, I'm done.
No, no, that's... All right.

Speaker 1 Well, I got to pick pick game three here.

Speaker 1 I'm thinking, um, Jake the Snake, what are the Bears' record, Chicago's record?

Speaker 3 Uh, I think they're still stuck on four wins. Um,

Speaker 3 they've got they uh had a couple tough losses in a row to every team in the division.

Speaker 1 Um, pretty historic, but yeah, I think they're like everything that comes out of Jake's mouth, the tone, the delivery, I just, it's just, it's amazing, soothing. It is.

Speaker 1 I'm gonna take the Atlanta Falcons.

Speaker 1 I'm I'm going to take the Atlanta Falcons getting five and a half against the Vikings.

Speaker 1 Kirk Cousins, they're going to be in that game. And I like it.
I like the five and a half, too. All right.

Speaker 1 Hey, Andrew, on this next one, can you play some music underneath me when I go to pick it? Can you play that song? Make a wish, baby.

Speaker 1 Are you going to take the points? Make a wish, baby.

Speaker 1 Paul, how the fuck does Alabama get in with three losses? Oh, my God.

Speaker 1 What do they have to fucking do? What does Alabama have on these fucking guys?

Speaker 1 They wouldn't even listen. I'm going big here.
They wouldn't even let Ohio State in with three fucking losses. Even Ohio State Buckeye fans would be like, all right, it wasn't our best fucking year.

Speaker 1 Dude, I'm telling you, man,

Speaker 1 that is old money. That's validation money, Paul.
Can I say this?

Speaker 1 I have to say that that Michigan-Ohio State game was the worst played football game and worst quarterback play I've ever seen on any level in my entire life.

Speaker 1 I've never true, but it had the greatest results. That wasn't the worst game you've ever seen.
Come on. No, quarterback play, dude.
I've never seen it. I mean, it was one guy had eight completions.

Speaker 1 I mean, it was terrible, man. Well, Michigan didn't have a quarterback all year.
Yeah. I'd love to see Dave Courtnoy

Speaker 1 running out of his house, dying loud. It was the funniest shit ever.
Yeah, he loves Michigan. Oh, yeah, he went there.
Oh, my God, dude.

Speaker 1 Like, can you imagine not only do you fucking lose, you got to listen to Dave Portnoy just crashing you, laughing. That's the half, I think it's the happiest I've ever seen the guy.

Speaker 1 And then he jumped in his pool. I mean, that was, he was just like, oh, I missed that part.
That was his Super Bowl. That was his Super Bowl.
Oh, it's fucking great. That fucking video is.

Speaker 1 That's, it's just why. It's so fun.
Why do we care? But I relate it to the whole thing. I was so happy for him.

Speaker 1 But if he was a Buckeye fan, I'd be like, fuck this guy. There's just something about Buckeye fans.
They're just, ah, the cunts. They're such, all right.

Speaker 1 I don't like anybody who's more whiny than me. I think that that's my issue with them.
All right.

Speaker 1 The Bills going into the Rams. The Rams getting three and a half.
I'm going to take the Rams getting three and a half, Paul. This is opposite week.
Oh.

Speaker 1 Because I feel like Josh Allen's going to go in there, right?

Speaker 1 He's going to go. Dude, this is what's fucking hilarious.
I saw this fucking thing. Some lady, like, he just got engaged.
So I'm, you know, I'm scrolling through, and it's a football thing.

Speaker 1 So all of a sudden, there was some lady there talking about his ex-girlfriend and some shady thing she tweeted about his engagement.

Speaker 1 And I swear to God, she goes, okay, guys, there's a lot to unpack here. And I was like, is there?

Speaker 1 Why do you give a fuck about his ex-girlfriend? I know. Did you see what she said?

Speaker 1 No, and I don't give a fuck. Let me sketch.
It was just because it was about

Speaker 1 she was like good luck with this cte stricken guy she's like i'd rather date an owner anyways and people are like the youngest owner in the league is like 52 and he's married like what owner of what are you talking about

Speaker 1 then she said oh i got hacked

Speaker 1 i think you hacked yourself and i i think with that tweet you probably said why the guy broke up with you that just sounded like

Speaker 1 that sounds like an absolute nightmare well just motivated by money but i'm trying to stay on topic here is the fact that somebody who doesn't know anybody involved

Speaker 1 does a deep dive.

Speaker 1 Like, you know, something? Andrew, you got married, right? I never thought to look into your past.

Speaker 1 You know what I mean? Thoughts on back here. Yeah.

Speaker 1 Well, you wait. When Jake the snake finally gets fucking married, you watch all his exes are going to be throwing.

Speaker 1 Jake lets them down easy. Imagine that we're on the conference call.
We're on a conference call without Jake going, dude, his injury reports haven't been the same. Dude, is he all right?

Speaker 1 What's going on? Is he slipping?

Speaker 3 I met somebody.

Speaker 1 There's a chick in the background grabbing stuff. So he takes a cell phone picture.
He's got a Hawaiian shirt and a cigar and two fucking whores.

Speaker 1 Jake, come on, man. We're not saying you can't have fun, but you got to come back.

Speaker 3 You know?

Speaker 1 You can do the podcast from the poolside.

Speaker 1 It's like the last dance when Rodman went to Vegas. Mike's like, he's not coming back.
We have to knock on his door.

Speaker 1 Jake Pinch is way of Jimmy's.

Speaker 1 Oh, fuck, Mike. Mike, Mike laptop's going to die here.
What do you got, Paul? What do you got? All right. All right.

Speaker 1 All right, man. I'm going to go.

Speaker 1 I'm going to take the Chicago Bears getting four in San Francisco.

Speaker 1 You know, I think if San Francisco needs a win so bad, I think if they win, it's by a field goal. McCaffrey is out.
It just seems like they're going down.

Speaker 1 I hate to say that every week to Niner fans, but let's just see. You know,

Speaker 1 this is literally the last hurdle. Who's arguing with you? Yeah.
Who's arguing with you? You had a 20-game fucking turnaround.

Speaker 1 I haven't seen a turnaround like this since Clemens went to the fucking Blue Jays.

Speaker 1 That guy was a donut-eating fucking son of a bitch in 96, and then he goes over there, and all of a sudden he's yoke paul hey back-to-back cy young's he got in the gym a lot of a lot of miracle supplements out there hey you know what i mean

Speaker 1 but you got to know the right ones you still got to do the work paul

Speaker 1 uh still got to be in the gym splitting your slacks doing squats

Speaker 1 all right let's uh let's do the monday night special i agree with bill i agree with bill i like the cowboys getting six and a half at home at jerry's World.

Speaker 1 I think they got to at least be competitive. So I like the points.

Speaker 1 They got that stiff at quarterback, though. I swear to God, dude.

Speaker 1 Oh, Rush. Oh, my God.
He should have mannequin hair.

Speaker 1 Sorry, that was totally funny to me. There was something about him.
He just looked like

Speaker 1 a Lego. He was wearing a suit, you know, store window.
All right, so we're going to go.

Speaker 1 We'll go Cowboys getting six and a half. Over-under's 49 and a half.

Speaker 3 No cow.

Speaker 1 Overunders 49 and a half.

Speaker 1 Go under. Andrew's going to go under.
I don't know. Don't listen to me.
But I just,

Speaker 1 what are they going to do?

Speaker 1 Unless it's just an offensive game.

Speaker 1 The under has hurt this show most.

Speaker 1 Cowboys, the under.

Speaker 1 We're basically saying you guys are going to watch a boring game here. Cowboys, the under and Joe Burrow to throw one.

Speaker 3 Let's do that.

Speaker 1 All right.

Speaker 1 There you go, everybody. Those are our picks.
Bill has the Panthers getting plus 12 and a half. He's got the Buccaneers minus six and a half.
He's got the Rams plus three and a half.

Speaker 1 And he's got the Cowboys plus six and a half. Your boys got the Falcons plus five and a half.
The Cardinals minus two and a half. The Bears plus four.
And the Chargers plus four.

Speaker 1 Those are our picks for the week. You could go on and see Jake the Snakes and Andrew Themlis's picks.
Thank you guys so much. I can't believe the season's basically almost over, guys.

Speaker 1 We got three more of these and it's a wrap. It happens.

Speaker 1 The college playoff is coming up, Paul. You're not even going to watch the last three weeks of the fucking NFL.
It's going to be unbelievable. The college playoff with 12 games, 12 teams is amazing.

Speaker 1 March madness in December. March Madness of football.

Speaker 1 March Madness of football?

Speaker 1 You sound like you were in a booth. Paul, give me three reads.
March Madness of football. March Madness of football? All right, give me one more.
March madness of football. One more, more intense.

Speaker 1 I need it.

Speaker 1 Really sell it this time.

Speaker 1 All right, guys, go to the Bet MGM app and download the app. Of course, here at the show, we want you guys to have fun, bet responsibly.

Speaker 1 By the way, thanks to all the listeners and everybody saying that this show is kind of making some people money. And we really appreciate you guys following us and watching us.

Speaker 1 But be responsible. Don't bet like a douche.
Have a good time about it. Download the app and use our code, the Burr, B-U-R-R, very easy.
You put up to $10 in there,

Speaker 1 and you guys can get bonus bets. If the bet loses, you'll get $1,500 in bonus bets after your original wager is settled.
They also have the first touchdown.

Speaker 1 You pick a player to get the first touchdown of any NFL game.

Speaker 1 If that doesn't happen and you get the second touchdown, you'll get

Speaker 1 your cash back. All right.
So there you go. Have a good time with it.
We're only doing, there's only a few more weeks of this. Enjoy it.
And we will see you next time.

Speaker 1 Oh, real quick announcement. New Year's Eve, guys.
New Year's Eve, I will be, I just added Levity Live in West Nyack, New York. It's the same room I did my Netflix special in.

Speaker 1 Two shows, seven and 10 o'clock. And go to paulversey.com for everything else.

Speaker 1 And we'll see you guys next week. We'll see you guys next week.
Make a wish, baby.

Speaker 1 All right. We'll see you.
All right.