Monday Morning Podcast 12-2-24

Hey, what's going on? It's Bill Burr and it's time for the Monday Morning Podcast for Monday!

December 2nd! Oh, what a fucking pass! No interference. Look at the NFL letting them play.
December 2nd, 2024. What's going on? How are ya? Oh, Billy's back.

He's back.

Oh. what's going on how are ya um oh billy's back he's back oh billy's back back again guess who's back tell a friend um i didn't do a podcast on thanksgiving i plan to but you know i gotta talk We had some friends over and, uh, you know, you ever smoke weed with people who smoke weed all the time? They have different weed.
This dude, I love him to death. He told me this shit was an, he called it an afternoon weed.
Yeah. It's a sativa.
It's, you know, it's an afternoon weed. I took three hits of that fucking thing, and I don't think I was at Thanksgiving, but I wasn't at Thanksgiving.
You know? I was there. I was eating.
But just... Nia said like nine times, don't talk to him, he's useless.
It was like a couple of moments where, you know, it was a dad moment.

And someone was going, oh, you know, blah, blah, blah.

I felt bad the next day.

Like, that's not me.

I never do that shit.

I have a strict rule about that.

That, you know, I'm not, you know, I i don't booze anymore i've laid off the cigars and uh so occasionally i smoke weed i've just never been a weed guy but my rule is my kids have to be in bed they got to be in bed and i broke the rule and oh did i pay for it um oh my god and then i ended up vibing with one of my buddies and we were saying this shit we were fucking laughing our asses off you ever have something just you and you and your buddy get it and nobody else gets it we were doing this thing we were talking about you know Hollywood really hasn't been buying a lot of things this year but they're still taking pitch meetings which is funny so you get these pitch meetings you put it all together you got your tap dance shoes on your top hat and cane and you're fucking you're pitching them this shit right and they're not buying it so i was pitching a show with a buddy of mine who's not really in this business but he came up with a good idea i was like dude let's fucking wrote a pilot we did the whole thing we got artwork did whole thing. We got artwork, did the whole fucking thing, you know, a pitch and pitched all these people.
They're dying laughing. They love it and everything, but nobody buys it.
So I told him, I go, you know, I don't know what's going on. They haven't been buying stuff.
I don't know if they're still pissed from the strike. I don't know.
I don't know what's going on. Right.
So he goes, well, if they're not buying anything, like why are they taking meetings? And I started thinking like, yeah, why are they doing that? Just wasting our time. So that was the jump off point for the joke because i go you know to get them back we should keep taking pitch meetings and just pick some terrible fucking ideas and waste their time back so we started coming up with sequels me and my buddy right we started coming up with sequels to movies that didn't need a sequel and we're just trying to make the worst movie ever and the first one my buddy goes he goes all right he goes he goes to flew over the cuckoo's nest and then i go yeah i go this time he's keeping the sink right which was the funniest shit ever to us if you watch one flew over the Over the Cuckoo's Nest, spoiler alert.
In the end, when Chief breaks out, he fucking yanks this. I don't know what.
This crazy sink for crazy people. So it's like literally double bolted into the ground.
He fucking lifts this thing up and he threw it through the window. And that's how we got out.
And so we were going to pitch the story story of whatever happened to the sink and the whole movie it was going to be like one flew over the cuckoo's nest meets the fugitive and the the the chief the indian was going to be running with the sink the whole movie like a football because it meant something to him because he's nuts right and tommy lee jones was going to be chained chasing him and dude i was this shit was funny as hell to me so i'm like yeah and then you could have that waterfall scene like in the fugitive and he and i'm like the the indians talking like really bad you know white movies that we made about native americans he's going like this one sink means something to me and then tommy lee jones like i don't care he jumps over the fucking waterfall down in the waterfall with the sink I don't know I don't know maybe it wasn't that funny but we were fucking crying laughing and they were just endless big part two this time it isn't statutory rape because that's the thing now the big thing now is for all these young people to be like oh my god you see revenge of the nerds oh my god it's like it's like a fucking rape scene in there hello whoa the 80s were weird but that's because it happened to a woman but no one gives a fuck about the little boy that was a little boy in that fucking adult body that was a 10 year old brain getting some 35 year old hairy puss jumping on his fucking now all of a sudden man-sized dick like that wouldn't fuck him up imagine if that was flipped if big was about a woman and then she went there and some fucking junior executive fucking jumped on and started pounding away i mean that's a that's a completely different movie um the french patient this time he's french listen the whole purpose was to uh was to waste their time michael douglas is back in questionable consent this is what we were doing on thanksgiving and me and my buddy were fucking crying laughing and everybody else was just staring I go this time he keeps the sink that's not funny Nia's just staring at me she's just going Bill yeah hi I go I know I am but that's picture the poster the big Indian chief running like it's a football and fucking Tommy Lee Jones in a police car trying to drive after him it's like the six million dollar man too because he's out running the car um they just weren't having it they weren't having maybe it was woefully miscast um anyway but that's that's like my favorite thing to do now is just come up with these bad pitches just because, I don't know, I had a couple of really good ideas.

I might just do the Shane Gillis thing and just fucking make the thing and then see if, you know. But that takes big balls because then if you don't sell it, then you're sitting on this fucking thing.
Everybody's always like, just put it on YouTube and you can get your money back. Now, YouTube, if they flag your video, listen to this scam.

If YouTube flags your video, you don't get advertising money on it.

If somebody complains, it gets flagged.

So then I said to them, I go, oh, does that,

so then that means you don't run an ad on it?

They go, no, we still run the ad.

I go, well, then who keeps the money?

And they're like, I don't know. You're keeping it, you cunts.
So now what's stopping you from having a room full of people flagging videos on your own fucking site to make more money? You know, I remember one time I was talking to a streaming service and they were talking about how something I did performed. And they were to like you know I was going I think I should be making this amount of money and they're going like nah it should be this and I go you gotta be fucking kidding me that last thing I did killed and then they're like well you know it didn't do as well as so-and-so's blah blah blah and I go how would I know that how the fuck would I know that information is going to you.
All I know is what you're telling me. What's to prevent you from telling me my thing's underperforming when it isn't? And he literally goes, well, you know, we could get in trouble for fraud.
I'm like, by who? Who the fuck is watching you? Nobody is watching these people. That's what's funny.
There's a booking agency that I'm working for currently for the third time. The government's going after them saying that they're a monopoly and nothing's going to happen.
It's un-fucking-believable. They own the venues.
They own the fucking ticketing. They produce the fucking shows.
I mean, it's open and shut. The whole fucking thing is open and shut.
It's like beyond a monopoly. But what happened is is is they deregulated capitalism deregulated is a fucking nightmare regulated is fantastic now we took the leash off remember those fucking parents those parents that had their kids on leashes that's the way the government used to be with these fucking corporations be like all right all right no no no no you can't buy that other corporation because then you're gonna have too much market share and that's gonna be too fucking crazy that's all they were doing and then the Corporations are like, see, no, no, no, no.
You can't buy that other corporation because then you're going to have too much market share and that's going to be too fucking crazy.

That's all they were doing.

And then the corporations were like,

see, man, like it's things like that that prevents us from doing even more business

and growing even bigger.

Because the bigger we grow,

then we're going to create all these jobs.

And the politicians believed it on both sides.

And now look at it. Now they call monopolies consolidation.
And then they got Democrats and Republicans yelling at each other as if we're playing football against each other. When we're not, we're on the same fucking team.
I'm going to say this every fucking week. It's a public service announcement.
It needs to be said. We are not on opposite teams.
We're on the same fucking fucking team the same dick that is in your ass is in my fucking ass there you go all right it's not me versus you it's us versus them but we're yelling at each other so they're sitting in the stands now just laughing at us as we try to move the ball like ohio state oh that was unnecessary All right, before I get too far into this podcast, this podcasting here, one of my great friends in this business and an incredible comedian and just artist in general and person, Bianca Cristovale's show, Gold Digger. Saturday, December 7th at Union Hall in Brooklyn, 702 Union Street.
Doors open at 7 p.m. I've had a lot of people open for me over the years, and she's right at the top of the list.
And she's just been killing it. I don't want to tell all her business, but she's been out there selling stuff, writing projects and selling stuff.
And I kind of knew from early on, I'm like, there's no way she's not going to make it because she's not sitting around waiting for someone else to give her an opportunity. She is creating her own opportunities by working her ass off day and night.
So I am beyond proud of her. I love her to death.
She's going to be at Union Hall in Brooklyn, New York, Saturday, September 7th. Doors open at 7 p.m.
Go see her show. And I'm loving all her new stuff.
All right. Now, let's move on.
I brought it up. Michigan versus Ohio State.
I'm not going to sit here and act like I had any idea that game was going to go like that. That reminded me of when a brawler gets into the ring with a boxer.
And the boxer knows all I got to do is just box. I'm technically better than this person and I can win this game and Michigan

their game plan won out you know what they were going to do is fucking run the ball and eat up the clock this is going to be a possession thing they have they're better than us at every offensive position and I don't know what the fuck you know the defense played fucking great what they have two picks, a bunch deflected balls. Stopped them in the red zone.
I don't even know how many times they came away with no points. And it was a classic Big Ten game.
10-10 at the half. 10-10 into the fourth quarter.
Final score, 13-10. I mean, it was a sloppy game.
It was an ugly game. But like what they did in a very sloppy way was how those early Belichick Brady teams used to beat like the fucking Indianapolis Colts when they had the three headed monster.
We would somehow make it. We would just somehow dominate the time of possession.
And get some turnovers and pressure the quarterback and take away their best guy. You got to beat us with your second guy, all of that.
And it fucking worked like a charm. So with that, for the first time in a long time, unfortunately, there were seniors graduating on that Buckeye team and in the stands who the Buckeyes lost to Michigan all four fucking years.
I mean, now let's be honest. That happened in Michigan for about fucking three generations.
Beginning part of this decade. So the century, I should say.
I feel like from like 2001 until they finally beat them in 2021. Anyway, so congratulations to them.
Alabama stomping all over Auburn in the War Eagle game, whatever, Iron Bowl. Every year I say I'm going to that, and this year I asked my lovely wife Saturday night.
I was like, I'm going to that. And she goes, uh, when is it? I go, it's the Saturday after Thanksgiving.
I go, I'm going to that. She goes, no, you're not.
And then I go, well, that was, it wasn't a question. It was a statement.
And then she just laughed. We were on a date.
We were like a couple's's date right the other couple that she near laughed and goes see that's how i do it he's picking up on my tricks um so anyway i'm gonna go to that and it's in auburn because i've already been been to a game in alabama and i want to see that you know when they let the eagle go and uh who knows you know with all of this payola that's out in the open now, who knows what happens? Who knows what the fuck happens? And then lastly, Notre Dame versus USC, a.k.a. pedophiles versus payola.
Right here. Nobody called it that.
Right here in L.A.um there's fucking nobody there is that he's outside the pocket he has to protect himself he's got to protect himself i will say this i love college football i love lamp i love lamp i love college football because it looks like the football i grew up with but whenever they implement that red light one two three two, three, red light kickoff, and they start, oh my God, they're going to start protecting quarterbacks like that because they're going to have like a $10 million guy on the field. And here's another thing.
If I'm the NFL, you know, this has to be, they got to be sitting around going, you know, a problem we had way back in like the 1930s, 20s and 30s, is when they first got the professional football league going, college football was way more popular. And over the years, maybe, you know, they always credit that Giants-Colts game at Yankee Stadium, the greatest game ever played or whatever, but that put the NFL on the map.
I mean, they were already going by that point. Jim Brown was playing.
They had all these great guys, Bobby Lane, you know, Paul Brown and all of those guys over there, Otto Graham. You know, Midnight Train Lane or whatever the fuck his name was, all of those old school guys guys right um you know it took him a good 20 30 years to to kind of get going right um and before like baseball was a national pastime like the two biggest things was horse racing and boxing were the two big ones it's so amazing and then baseball kind of takes over um and then football starts to kind of put a dent in basketball is sort of like you know this and hockey we're we're we're you know on the outside looking in basketball until the 80s even with the comp with the aba was taken off or whatever but the 80s was when you know bird and magic dr j into jordan and they

are where they are now and then the fight game comes back with the fucking ufc so this shit's all cyclical right and meanwhile soccer worldwide known as football has always been killing it so i feel like the nfl is in this really weird place right now where it's like they're desperately trying to go international.

And I say desperate because I feel like people don't give a fuck about this game. Right.
But they they they've been having shows and shows, games in Berlin. They've been England and whatever, trying to like get some sort of fan base shit going for that NFL Europe thing that they tried a long time ago.
And but meanwhile, here comes college football. Now they're paying people.
And now they have like this fucking 12 team playoff system that starts in December. Now I got to ask you, what the fuck are you watching the end of December? Are you watching games 15, 15 16 17 where most teams are out of the

playoffs are you going to be watching college football's version of March Madness I would be

very concerned about that um you know the NFL how they're like we own fucking Sunday and then you

know and then everybody's like all right man Sunday's your fucking day all right you got

Sunday and then they took Monday they took Monday nights man, Sunday's your fucking day. All right.
You got Sunday. And then they took Monday.

They took Monday nights and now they're taking Thursday. Right.

Like your fucking ex just keeps dragging you back to court, trying to get more fucking money out of you.

Well, now I think that I think this is going to be NFL is going to be the NFL.

But this is going to be one of these things where, you know, the other person's losing the fight.

And then all of a sudden there's that uppercut that just twists the dude's head around almost past his shoulder. And the announcer goes, oh, he heard him.
He is hurt. He's just trying to survive the route.
I think that that's what this is going to be. And I am all for it.
This fucking college football playoff. And they're getting paid now.
So you don't have to feel guilty going, these kids are out of here. Every time you see somebody go down in these extra games, you're like, fuck.
You know, the Willis McGahee thing, right? For no money. And then they get in trouble selling their own jerseys.
Now they're finally fucking paying them. They're finally admitting.
Okay? We'll make a ton of money off of these fucking kids. It's not about the education.
This fucking shit pays for the whole campus and our horse. All right.
We're going to break some something off for the kids. They got this fucking 12 game playoff thing.
I don't know. I don't know.
You know, it takes a lot to get, to get a fucking advanced-aged, bald ginger like me excited. And I am excited about this.

12. a lot to get to get a fucking advanced aged bald ginger like me excited and I I am excited about this 12 fucking teams three weeks go fuck yourself it's going to be unbelievable I am very excited that's all I want to convey to you and if I was the NFL I would be thinking like this could really put a dent well you know what they're doing they're such cunts the NFL you know what they're doing.
They're such cunts, the NFL.

You know what they're doing.

They probably, you could not have your playoff games on Thursdays.

You could not have them on Monday.

You could not have them on Sunday.

Well, what the fuck about you?

You were Sunday.

You took Monday and Thursday, didn't you?

Well, didn't you?

Anyway, I got the New Orleans Saints laying three.

They're up three to nothing.

Second quarter, 9-10 to go.

I put money on a 4-17, people.

That's what I did.

That's what I did.

They got a good defense, though.

Look at that.

Right there.

Is that Cooper Cup?

You know, it was my favorite thing.

I was in this conservative city,

and I heard this woman calling her kid her kid's name was reagan i'm like that is fucking awesome how conservative can you be slash dumb can you be i know so many people think he was a fantastic president oh my god did those corporations just fucking waltz him around? Come on in here, Ronnie. Come on.
Yeah. Sign this.
So this will be a good, this will be good for a working class Americans. He helped ended the cold war.
This is how much, you know, he did for rich people. When Ronald Reagan died, they paraded his body around for like two fucking weeks.
That's how much money he made for rich people. They haven't done that for any other dead president.
Ronald Reagan, they were like one day for like fucking two weeks. It was like, you know, some of these bands, farewell tours, tours like how many they added another leg it's

like you're not fucking going away um all right anyway what else what else two flew over the cuckoo's nest this time he's keeping the sink and my buddy even made a um he made like a poster he sent me a picture of it it's fucking hilarious to me i don't know if it is to you but like if you guys want to pitch some uh and the key is it has to be a movie that you know was so good you wouldn't want to try to redo it or it just it's over like there's no reason the story's done we get it bill you don't have to fucking over explain it all right well i've been working out um and uh getting ready to do my little Broadway show here. What are the actors called doing Broadway? Surfing the boards, gliding on the boards.
I don't know what it is. It's something about the stage.
And it's just gloriously, like, inside the actor's studio. Remember that guy? He guy used to host it like just the level of importance that he could put on things it's something like that where it's just like all right I don't think I'm you know I mean I'm walking on a stage I mean it's elevated so the people in the back can see I think that that's what's happening more than anybody gliding on the board, whatever, whatever they say.
I don't know. It, that really, there's really nothing wrong with what actors say when they say that it just has more to do with my fucking issues.
Surprise, surprise. Um, anyway, once again, go see Bianca.
All right. That would mean the world to me if you would help her, uh,

sell these last few tickets. Union Hall, um, Brooklyn, New York, December 7th, 7 PM.
All right. With that, with that, and with that, and with that, let's get into, uh, the reads for the week oh would you look who it is it's all zip talk about things that take a long time to do uh i don't know taking a shit when you're constipated you know you squeeze you fucking you know you rock back and forth you know you stick a fire hose up uh sorting through countless email oh i'm sorry i went in the direction every look who it is everybody it's old zip recruiter you know uh some days when i'm looking at my sock drawer i'm like holy jeepers creepers where did i get all these tube socks you know and how come so many of them don't have a matching pair you know it's a pain in the ass.
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And if you have existing numbers with another service open phone will port them over at no extra charge all right now let's get to what you guys really want to hear you really want to hear what you had to say this week what did you have to say um all right modesto dear brick top billy in the behind the scenes of the movie snatch brick top is a cockney slang for a redheaded fella i like that brick top's cool i don't mind that carrot top brickhead. I mean, none of it bugs me.
I knew where it was coming from. I knew where all of that was coming from.
I saw the fear in the pigmented people's eyes. All you people who had brown and black hair, I saw the fear.
That's why you came at the redheads because secretly you were sitting there going like, all right, I was dealt the royal flush of a hand in life. And I don't know what the fuck to do with it.
As opposed to me, you know, was sitting there holding a pair of sixes. And I acted like I had some fucking kings and queens.
And people bought it. I don't know why, but they did.
And here I sit. You know, all happy and freckled.
Central California native here. Oh, nice.
I just did the Central Valley. And I've been a fan since the Chappelle show.
I was at the Modesto show last Thursday. Thank you for coming to our town.
It was a great time. Also, love seeing you deal with that loud lady who just so happened to be my old boss.
My wife and I were going to see Anthony Juslinesk in Stockton, but he canceled. So you were here.
So you were her first live standup. Oh, all right.
How was the booby prize? She wanted to see Anthony. I assumed you would have made it to the American Graffiti Car Museum, seeing as how it's our one, it's one of our only attractions.
That and the Scott Peterson House. Since you have such an appreciation of classic cars, you should check out our annual car show, American Graffiti.
Yes, named after George Lucas's early film about cruising around Modesto. You know, until I went to Modesto, I had no idea they shot it there.
But I did think in the beginning of that movie, when that kid rides up on the scooter, that he fucks up and sideswipes the building. I died laughing and it looks so real.
I'm like that, that had to have been an accident. It was real.
And then Dean Del Rey found information that confirmed that that was, it was a happy accident. It was hilarious.
And they kept it in the movie. movie all right moving on just last year we had to cut the cruise off at a thousand cars and for a few hours the street shut down for regular traffic so they could do a lap around town most of the legit car clubs here post up instead of cruising too bad we just shut down the old a and w that was actually in the movie oh no did you that was an a and w was also a root beer thing there's so many things about that movie now there's another thing i kind of have a rule you know i don't eat fast food or whatever when i get in the middle of nowhere usually, usually Montana, Wyoming or wherever, you know, Idaho, they still have those A&W places.
And I always have to go in. I got to get a burger, man.
And a root beer. It's just, it takes me back to my childhood when I, I don't know what, when I first had a root beer, I just thought it was the greatest, it was the greatest thing I'd ever had.
You know, buying packs of football cards, you know, putting that stale powdered fucking gum in your mouth and then drinking a root beer. They're just like the level of sugar that was involved in my 1970s into the eighties childhoods was fucking amazing.
Uh, my joints are still inflamed from the gum I chewed in those fucking

those football cards um anyway uh hope you can make it to the car show one year please do another close if you do go fuck yourself I had such a great time man I I really loved going to those places. I'd never been to them.
And then I also loved how much you guys appreciated that I came there. Speaking of which, look, here's another part.
Visalia. Hey, Bill, thanks for coming to all the small towns in California.
I saw you at the Fox and my brother saw you in Stockton. The communities in these towns are really and after living in the lost in los angeles for a decade it was a really nice return to americana um it's all americana big cities traffic middle of nowhere with your arm hanging out the window whatever you want we got it here it's already great we don't need some fucking orange-headed cunt with no fucking plan who says he has a plan to make it great again it's already fucking great it's already fucking great if we could just rein in the ceos of these fucking corporations i think that and save what's left of the middle class i think you know be honest, be honest with yourself.
What the fuck do you want in life? You know, you want a fucking, you know, you want a nice house that you could pay off, make the payments, you know, have a nice fucking ride, have a beautiful wife, a husband, whatever you're into. And aren't you content working for somebody? I didn't give a fuck working for somebody else.
It wasn't until i got in this business that i ended up working for myself but like i didn't mind doing that shit and my job was over on friday and i have to fucking think about it until monday that was fantastic let that fucking guy at the top deal with all the bullshit and the stock holders and all of that crap and he can make you stupid fucking money, but not to the point that he fucking squeezes out the middle class. I mean, I think that's a fair, I think that's fair, right? You can still have a yacht and fucking whores and cocaine and, you know, go have breakfast with the president for $5,000 a plate, whatever those fucking people, you can still do that without crushing the middle class.
Why would you do that? It's fucking unreal. Just like real life Grinches.
Anyway, plowing ahead here. With the exception of American pickers and shows like that, I think the actual character of America still exists in our art and architecture.

So thanks for highlighting that. Yeah, no, I loved it.
I loved going there and.

You know, most of those cities, for the most part, still had a nice downtown area.

And that wasn't just taken over by fucking 52 starbucks and a lululemon

just in an apple store fuck all those places um

okay speaking of which my my cell phone screen is all cracked

it's funny somebody last night goes did you throw your phone and i just said i did do you remember why of course not of course not um felt good when i did it didn't feel good when i picked it up um all right this person continues to say uh living in a major city made me really cynical about almost everything well yeah that'll happen uh that's faded a lot since then last week i bought a cake from some moms having a bake sale for a charity cake was amazing and i didn't wince at the price so i tipped a little extra for the karma there you go that's great thanks for coming through and that's what we need to be doing

right there fuck these corporate people go to a mom and pop place you know you help them out you're helping yourself out don't always go for the deals at the big box stores fuck those people i went to best buy yesterday who the fuck am i uh sucking on a chili dog this person says

John Cougar's song lyric

refers to an offshoot of a slush puppy pictured included in the email oh shit that's what it is that's what a chili dog is I always thought that was some sort of weird thing, you know,

saying his girlfriend's blowing him while he was eating some junk food.

I had no idea what that meant.

Sucking on chili dog behind a shady tree.

Hey, Diane, why don't you come over here and touch my tree?

And not a traditional chili dog that consists of fart stew and questionable meat byproducts, hence sucking as through a straw enjoying the cold beverage in question. Who the fuck would suck on a meat byproduct chili dog? Aside from the whosome whores in central Indiana, maybe.
Go fuck yourself and keep up the great work.

Well, there you go.

Maybe that was...

I mean, just the way he said it.

It sounded dirty.

Suck it on, chili dog.

He did everything but throw bitch in there.

I mean, for white people,

those were hard motherfucking lyrics in 1981. Bribing politicians.
Hey, Billy Bribes, here's a quick note on U.S. Supreme Court case that you keep alluding to.
Most recently, 38 minutes into the 1021 podcast. Oh, great.
Now I'm on a list. You stated that the Supreme Court legalized bribing officials when the bribe can be considered a gratuity.

The distinction that the majority of the court drew between bribes and gratuities is that bribes are payments made before an official act to influence a public official. officials, wait, before on an official act to influence a public official occurs.
Gratitudes

or payments may... wait, before on an official act to influence a public official occurs.
Gratitudes are payments made to a public official after official act occurs as a token of appreciation. Oh, that's what it is.
This distinction would be insignificant, but for the fact that these gratuities are also illegal. While federal law punishes gratuities less severely than bribes, they are still felonies that carry a maximum two-year prison sentence.
Yeah, at some country club and you're out before Christmas. The maximum sentence for bribery is 15 years.
Congress uses the word gratuity in drafting the law at issue is confusing since most people think of a gratuity as an innocent tip. Now, we're not that dumb.
Everybody knows exactly what it is. It's a bribe.
You're just calling it a gratuity. Like you never talk to the politician.
Hey, I're, you're going to allow my, coincidentally, my company to pollute this fucking river. You know, I appreciate that.
Here's a little something for you. All right.
There you go. Don't spend it all in one place.
Huh? Uh, the case you keep referring to is Snyder versus the United States. It was decided this past June 26th.
Trust me, I'm a lawyer. Smile.
Thanks again for

the laugh. You're the man.
All right. I like he's got a sense of humor that he's a lawyer.

Snyder versus the United States. Who the fuck was this Snyder guy? And what the who does he want to

fucking pay? And for what? You'd think that CNN and Fox News would be interested in this,

how interested they were in that fucking complete nobody that had a garage full of hand sanitizer at the beginning of the pandemic. And they all they dragged that.
Oh, how could you do this to your fellow country? This is disgusting. That's what's wrong with this country.
Right. All right.
And then meanwhile, big drug companies can charge like 600 bucks for a leukemia pill isn't that what they're doing man that never makes the news it's weird i can't i you know if you guys could help me out i can't figure out why that is all right oh my god this guy this guy just sent me a fucking email that is going to change my fucking life. I don't know if, you know,

if you guys send me shit like this, it's going to, it's going to fucking, you know, you know, like when you have a rescue dog and it like fixates on something and then you got to like change the direction of its head or it's going to fucking just go in whatever direction it's looking at this this is what this kid did to me. All right.

I've been everywhere, man.

I've been everywhere, man.

I've been everywhere.

Hey, Billy Pasta Balls.

Pasty Balls.

Sorry, I was like, what the fuck is a pasta ball?

Hey, Billy Pasty Balls.

Love listening to your rants on stage or on your podcast.

I wanted to provide you with the Johnny Cash song, I've Been Everywhere. I've included all the information you need to get the tour of tours started.
I've added historical locations that you can perform at along with seating capacities. I also did a breakdown to three to six show loops at a time so you don't get fucking tuckered out.
Dude, you did my agent's job. If you need more help, let me know.
Now go out and get it done and go fuck yourself. This fucking guy, this fucking guy, he listened to the Johnnyny cash i've been everywhere song and then he listed every city that he talks about in it and where i could play i mean now i have to do this and i would break it i break it up into about six legs there's no fucking way i'm doing all this at kiddos here.
All right. And then I'm not going, you know, and then the places I've already been to are not making the tour.
I do them anyway. Okay.
The first one, Reno, been there. Chicago, been there.
Fargo, been there. Minneapolis, been there.
Buffalo, been there. Toronto, yes.
Sarasota. I've been there, but I've never performed there.

So I would do one there.

Wichita.

I believe I've been there.

But I'd throw that one there anyway.

Tulsa, I've been there.

Tampa, done that.

Ottawa, yes.

Oklahoma City.

I've been to Oklahoma City, but I did stand up in the Tulsa area.

No, wait.

I did Tulsa.

The Brady Theater.

I love that fucking place.

All right, so Oklahoma City, I would have.

Tampa done that.

Panama City, never.

What the fuck is Mattawa?

Mattawa, Washington.

I'm copying and pasting this.

And I'm sending this to my agent. This one here is a motherfucker.
Bangor, Washington. I'm copying and pasting this.
And I'm sending this to my agent.

This one here is a motherfucker.

Bangor, Maine.

I should have knocked this one out

a long time ago.

30 years ago when I was still in Boston.

I just never got booked on the gig.

There was a gig up there.

And I remember there was this comedian

who used to do a joke

talking about, you know,

you'd get directions. How do I get there? And it was like, take 95 north to the end.
That's like when I used to do what they used to call the uptown rooms, the black rooms. I remember this guy, a good friend of mine, Drew Frazier, had this room, Manhattan proper.

And I remember you got on the E train and you took it to the end.

You rode it all the way out to Jamaica, Queens.

All right, let's see what I got here.

La Paloma, California.

That's easy.

I could knock that one out.

Bangor, Maine.

Baltimore, been there salvador brazil brazil you want me to go to fucking brazil oh my god i mean i would go down there i go down there when the f1's there a moto gp um oh god that's a long flight um amarillo tex. I don't think I've ever done Amarillo.
I've done Dallas. Tocopia, Chile.
Now, come on, man. He didn't go to these fucking places.
He just said this shit because it rhymed. Barranquilla, Colombia.
I mean, I would just go to these places just to look at the beautiful women and just sit there like an old creep. That's what the fuck I would do.
Smoking cigars. Going, why the fuck didn't I come here 40 years ago? It's too late for me.
I used to be somebody.

Boston.

Okay.

Charleston done that.

Dayton done that.

Louisiana done that.

Washington, D.C. did that.

Houston.

Kingston.

New York.

Never done that.

Texarkana.

Never did that.

All right.

Oscar Luska. What'sA is that Iowa yeah I think that's Iowa Nashville done that oh my god Chicopee I've done that Spirit Lake Iowa Devil's Lake North Dakota listen I gotta be with you.
I had so much fucking fun doing that Central Valley and, you know, Bakersfield and all of those places. I had so much fucking fun going there.
I felt like I was, you know, it was the only thing left from those Jack Kerouac books, how you would go to a town. There would just be all these crazy fucking unique businesses and, and, and architecture and all of that stuff that you just didn't see before these fucking soulless corporate cunts just turned everything into, into the fucking 10 businesses.
Um, anyway, I, um, I'm going gonna copy and paste this list i'm gonna take out some of these this shit that i've already been to uh the south america thing i don't wouldn't even know how to pull that off uh because believe me i've tried i've tried to do gigs in cub and a few other places. And it's never been a situation where my agency felt comfortable with the person they were working with down there and vice versa.
Because nobody knows each other. There's a fucking language barrier and whatever, you know.
So I don't know. But anyway, we will figure it out.

But there's no fucking way

I'm not going to go to South America at some point.

Those are...

It's just some of the most beautiful...

Everything.

The music, the people,

the landscape, the architecture, everything.

It is fucking gorgeous. it's gorgeous down there um i gotta go down there and like the level of fucking music fans like how nuts they go at concerts you know how great they are in the world cup how much they like moto gp and f1 you know all right they hid some nazis every continent has some shit that you know maybe they shouldn't have done but um yeah good god almighty yeah those that's all happy thoughts thinking of galapagos islands there's so much shit down there cocaine.
I mean, there's fucking shit to do. All right.
Well, that is the podcast. Oh, Billy, oh, Billy Capskins.
I'm back. I've been playing the drums a lot.
You know, Alex Van Halen has a new amazing book out and just made me go back for the umpteenth time and listen to his body of work and i've been playing along to his trying to the guy's just so fucking good and so original and i just love the sound of his snare drum um i don't know it leans towards tony williams to me when tony Tony was playing with the black dot on the head of his snare. And Tony Williams, I mean, to me, Tony Williams is the greatest drummer of all time.
I just think nobody, the way he expressed himself and the fucking power and then also the fact that they had to come up like he's so changed drumming that they they literally had to come up with like new names to describe what he like metric modulation i mean i might be wrong here i'm just a comedian fucking dad drummer here but as far as i know he came up with that shit um and i just find like out of all the drummers i've ever listened to i've never seen a guy play with the creativity the power and then also his drum solos every single one of them is different and they are all captivating.

Like the amount of times like I've been like getting ready to go on a plane, you know, can you power it on your phone or whatever?

And if I start to watch a Tony Williams, I can't I can't shut it off.

He's unreal. He's unreal.

The only other person I've ever been that mesmerized by is John Bonham. Just watching him play going, how the fuck is he getting that sound? And his groove was just incredible.
But, you know, there are so many guys. There are so many.
Now I'm just going to go down some fucking rabbit hole and name it everybody that's ever blown me away on the drums but um i'll stop with those two um so anyway yeah i've been like big time into that and uh i'm trying to get that double bass shuffle down that he plays and i'm the one you know and it's a song i haven't listened to in a long time and i've've been playing a lot of drums since the last time I played. So it's funny to revisit these songs that just sounded impossible.
And now you can kind of be like, okay, all right, what's going on here? All right. This is a swing.
It's a triplet feel. He's doing that Billy Cobham, you know, Simon Phillips.
Those are the two guys that I saw first saw doing that. And these fills all triplet-based and all of that.
And then, of course, with YouTube, I can go on there. I saw, you know, somebody breaking down the song.
But I didn't want to watch too much of it because I was like, I don't want to have all the answers to the test. But the person was just breaking down how to, you know, build up that double-based triplet, and, uh, I'll be honest with you, man.
I think it's good for your brain is what I've been reading as far as like playing drums and that type of stuff. Um, as, as you get, as it been doing more research, they're talking about how your brain is like a muscle and yeah, uh, you know, you stop going to the gym, your body, your body gets flabby.
Brain the same way so um i don't know i've had people in my family have like you know cognitive issues and shit like that so you know i might as well fucking try to do something right rather than just being a fucking meathead watching uh watching all of these sports look at gronk, man. Holy shit.
I never thought I'd ever see that. You know what's so crazy? I'm watching this NFL thing and everybody who's on the panel, I watch them play.
And most of them, I saw their entire careers, except for Terry Bradshaw. He was just a little before my time.
But I saw his last two Super Bow last two super i basically been watching the nfl

religiously since 1978 so he came in early 70s i'm gonna say 72

um i bought that whole year of football cards by the way and they're like astronomically expensive

but i just bought the one in good condition but if you had like if there's like a mint condition

one last time i saw it was like fucking five six grand but then i saw a complete set you know the

Thank you. but I just bought the one in good condition.
But if you had like, if there's like a mint condition one, last time I saw it was like fucking five, six grand.

But then I saw a complete set,

you know, the corners were like fucked up or whatever.

It's like, well, those are the cars I want so I can like look at them and hold on to them

instead of fucking have them behind like plastic.

Never understood that.

It's like people who buy a Ferrari, you know?

And then 20 years later, they sell it at Mecham.

They're like, well, the 87 original miles. It's like, well, you didn't fucking use it.
Or even worse, you drove it around town. Take it to a fucking track.
Go to one of these fucking schools. They'll teach you how to drive like you're in a fucking action movie.
Drive like Tom Cruise in Paris on a motorcycle. That's what the fuck I want to learn how to do.
You know, why?

Because I got demons and I don't want to face them.

So I just keep learning how to do new shit so I don't turn around.

And look at the horror behind me.

All right.

That's it.

Everybody go fuck yourselves.

I hope you had a wonderful Thanksgiving.

I did.

I want to thank everybody who came out to my house.

Our house, I should say.

And it was the best Thanksgiving in that everybody who brought food crushed it there wasn't one bad thing every dessert crushed it every side crushed it the turkey was fucking amazing um i was also high as shit okay take that with a grain of salt but i ate i ate the last three days, and it's all tasted amazing.

So thank you to everybody who brought food.

Just a great time.

All right, that's it.

I will check in on you on Thursday.