Thursday Afternoon Monday Morning Podcast 11-21-24

Hey, what's going on? It's Bill Burr, and it's time for the Thursday afternoon, just before Friday, Monday morning podcast. And yours truly is just checking in on you.
I'm checking in to see how, how are you doing? You know, sometimes we get so used to just saying things, we don't even know what we're saying. They start meaning things like, gee, I don't know, like, I love you.
I love you becomes love you. Or, you know, somebody says love you and you go, yep.
But what happened? What happens to why do we do that? You know, Jesus once said, got into a big, long debate about the Lord last night with a friend of mine and completely didn't see it the same way but it didn't get into an argument I was just like no I get how it. I mean, I don't fucking see it that way.

The old me would have been like, no, no, no, no. And I would have gotten to some big stupid fight.
It's just like, all right, you know, if you think he's a good shit, that's cool. I don't

I think he's got issues

I think God has issues that's why he keeps fucking creating just keeps throwing himself into his work there's some sort of demon he doesn't want to deal with and I'm not talking about the actual devil because I don't think there is a devil I think God, devil, the whole fucking thing, it's all one thing. That just, whatever.
If you want to say made this fucking thing, okay. But it doesn't give a fuck.
Just made it and it moved on to the next Earth or Saturn or whatever the fuck it's working on. I mean, I've seen this behavior in human beings.
And according to that book, he made us in his image. So he's just some fucking, he's some hurt kid.
Who hurt God? If God was like, who made him? Who made who? I think ACDC. ACDC figured it out a long time ago.
Who made who? He made them and they made you. Who made who?

Anyway, I am working my way up the 99.

I'm having a great time.

Shout out to Mega Texas Barbecue.

Once again, my second time going there.

It's the best barbecue in the goddamn country.

I mean, as far as I'm concerned.

Last time I went there, they tried to kill me. They gave me, Nate Craig, and Club Soda Kenny, they gave us all of this, you know, a whole sample.
My wife knows how to do the sample platter. I don't.
I come from the, you clean your plate or you're going to get smacked in the back of the fucking head generation. So I'm just sitting, I chow.
So this time I go, I'm just going to get the pulled pork and the ribs and two sides. I got the beans and I got some mac and cheese.
And then they're like, well, you know, we got like this smoked turkey. I just want you to try.
Oh my my God. Oh, my God.
Oh, my God.

It was so fucking good.

And then what was amazing was the smoky aftertaste would come like three seconds later.

And we're going like, all right, all right, that's enough.

That's Sassoufi, Sassoufi, right?

And then she fucking, she brought even more of it out and like desserts and all

of that. And next thing you know, I'm leaning a little bit.
Oh my God. It was so fucking good.

And the Texas Twinkie. So I forgot when I described it.
It's a stuffed jalapeno. They

got like cream cheese and brisket inside of it and other seasonings or whatever. And then it's

like triple wrapped with bacon with a little bit of sauce on top. It's fucking bananas.
You gotta go there. If you're anywhere near Fresno and you like barbecue, it's worth the trip.
It is worth the trip. They are artists down there.
Alright? And And then last night, I got to play. I finally got to play the place I wanted.
This is my third time here in Bakersfield. And the first time, I forget where I played.
And then I played a casino. But I wanted to play this, this, this old theater out here, the Warner Theater.
And, interestingly enough, I was going to say ACDC did a show here on the Highway to Hell Tour with Bon Scott. And when you go into the basement of that venue and you're looking at the floors and the sinks, it looks all original.
You're like, oh, my God, did Bon Scott, Malcolm Young, Phil, Cliff, and Angus walk around on these same floors? It just gave me the chills. So I went out there, and the crowd was great.
They were a little rowdy, but they were a lot of fun. And, you know, you got to respect people that are rowdy on a fucking Wednesday, right? But anyway, had a lot of fun.
And I don't know, just having fun, like, playing with both sides of a lot of different subjects and everything. And then trying to get people to understand that there's not two sides in this country.
It's like us against them. But they got us feeling like, you know, like it's a football field and we're playing each other.
It's like, no, dude, we're on the same team and we keep tackling each other. And at this point, the fucking super rich are just sitting in the stands laughing at us.
So I saw this thing, Jim Jeffries did this bit, was saying, uh, so just put it on his Instagram, right? and he was saying how hate doesn't beat hate it just creates more hate the only thing that i'm paraphrasing love is the only thing that beats hate and you just love the other person and they can still hate you but eventually everyone's going to look at them like they're the asshole and then literally literally the first comment someone wrote, we just got signed up for four more years of this. And fortunately, somebody wrote underneath it and you immediately missed the point.
It's like, why would you write that? Like, like people like, so cannot get out of this fucking political argument thing. Unless it's a bot.
You know? Just every fucking other goddamn thing you see on the internet. Somebody figures out how to politicize.
We've literally politicized at this point four women sitting around talking. You know, those fucking shows like The View, they used to just sit around and shoot the shit and now that's politicized.
So now they're going to have a right wing view. That's the thing too.
Is so much of this shit that you don't like politically it's like you create it by doing it on your side stop doing it you want to have a talk show have a fucking talk show don't make it a liberal talk show unless you want to see eventually a conservative one. And all of that, all that does is just fucking divide us.
It's fucking insane. It's fucking insane and people just keep doing it.
Jesus fucking Christ. And now look where the fuck, look where the fuck we're at.
We're just fucking attacking each other. So anyway, that's sort of the challenge right now that I find, like going out on the road.
It's like I don't want to go out there and, you know, add to this. At the very least I can come out here and try to make people forget about them.

I don't know.

But people are so fucking sensitive at this point.

Even if you make fun of both sides.

You know?

In like a lighthearted way.

They still like get so fucking upset.

It's unbelievable.

It's a fucking sickness at this point. Just especially as a comedian.
Like, your job, you just make fun of the standing president. That's what it is.
You know? Back in the day, you did it way more respectful. But, you know, things have changed like that.
But, like, whoever was the president, I i don't know my whole career you just you just fucking made fun of them or whatever they were doing or the weird way they talked or they couldn't remember where the fuck they were you know that was another one you know where they used to host a fucking reality show you know that's what you did People are like posting up now I'll tell you that's the two that's the two things that have changed the most since I've been an adult is you look at like that that company Tesla now. And the Tesla guy.
Can I remember his. Elon Musk right.
That fucking guy. Just politicized a fucking car company.
If that is not the stupidest fucking thing. You could ever do.
The stupidest, and not only that,

I gotta watch out because Dean's doing a bit

about this. It's just like,

you kind of alienated most of,

the majority of your

fan base.

I don't fucking get it.

I don't get watching comedians do it

or actors. I don't,

I just don't fucking get it it it doesn't change anything and all it does it does the exact opposite it makes it worse i think which is why back in the day it's like you didn't say who the fuck you voted for you didn't talk about politics or uh religion. But I really think the, how anonymous you can be online and how back in the day, you know, if you wanted to talk shit to somebody, you had to fucking go over there.
I guess you could call them on the phone, but you'd have to have their phone number, which means you're in their life and they know who the fuck you are. So eventually you'd have to back up what you say.
But like the fucking internet, you can be as rude as you want to be, as fucked up, as tough as you want to be, all of that shit. It's really fucking crazy.
So anyway, I've been coming out here trying to keep it light and trying to fucking, I don't know, walk that fucking light. Another one, too, is artist's brand is something that I don't understand.
I'm just like, I get it, you know, because the whole business folded, So now it's like up to you. Like artists have to be like, you know, managers, like agents and fucking like the industry all at the same time.
But like, I don't know it's that that added burden that now it's like up to you that you have to get it going they used you used to all you used to have to do is just worry about becoming a good comedian or a good actor or something like that i mean you always had to play the game but now it's like you have to be like, all right, I got to be a comedian. I got to market myself.

I got to see what the trends are and blah, blah, blah. Fucking, I don't know.
I'm probably just an old guy who's like just saying the world's changing and I don't understand it, which is I think the typical. It's the typical thing.
if I could use any analogy

it's watching everybody stand still now

when they play football and they kick the ball off when I look at that I'm just like that is not the game I mean it's a good thing I don't want people to get their heads fucking knocked in but like I don't know it's changed changed a lot. Anyway.
Getting back. So I was in Bakersfield after I did Ojai.
Shout out to Cafe Smitten. Gave me a great cup of coffee.
And underrated Bakersfield. What a great fucking city that is.
You know what's great about it is, like, all of these corporate stupid fucking stores haven't taken over the whole downtown area. So there was so many, like, interesting places to look at and businesses.
Like, there was an incredible fucking music store. It was, unfortunately, it wasn't open before, but just going in the window.
Literally had, like, some fucking mannequin holding a guitar, like one of those fucking places. Like this, I don't know, incredible just mix.
And then he had, like, some old vintage drums in there. It's right next to the Fox Theater in Bakersfield.
We were like, you know, me and Dean had our fucking nose pressed up against the window trying to see what was in there. Unfortunately, it wasn't open.
Next time I come up here, I got to check that out. They had a little arena there that was the, it looked like it was the minor league hockey team for the Edmonton Oilers.

Really cool architecture.

We went to that place, Smitten Coffee.

And there wasn't a whole lot of people on the street in the morning.

So the streets were kind of empty.

And I kind of felt like I was in one of those cool early 70s movies that I love watching. But the crowd there was fantastic.
And just like I said, like, so far, Ojai, Bakersfield and Fresno, the people that are like, have been like ridiculously gracious and happy that, you know, me and Dean came out here. And that's something I've been saying.
Like, you know, a lot of people, you know, once you get going, you start selling tickets. You just go to the big cities and then that's it.
And then all these people who live, you know, in these places, smaller places, smaller markets, whatever they call them, you know, they always have to fucking drive. And they get sick of it after a while.
So if you actually come to them, they're like, oh, my God, this is fucking unbelievable. Somebody finally came to me.
Are you serious? And now I get to be home 20 minutes after the show. Oh, another thing about Fresno.
Shout out to the, I hope I say this right, Seland Arena, S-E-L-L-A-N-D Arena. Um, this place looks like every fucking place I saw a heavy metal show when I was growing.
It looked like the Worcester Centrum. It looked like the, uh, the, uh, Providence Civic Center.
I'd love to play either one of those venues at some point. Never done it.
It'd be cool. Especially, I think, Providence.
I always forget. Did I see Judas Priest at Providence or Worcester? It was my first concert.
I can't remember. I think I saw them in Worcester.
And then my next concert was ACDC

on the Who Made Who tour, speaking of which,

with Loudness opening up,

which was a Japanese heavy metal band.

And I think I saw them.

But anyway, this arena, we drove by it,

and Dean Del Rey freaks out.

He's like, oh, fuck, man.

He goes, I saw Van Halen in 81 on the Fair Warning Tour. I go, no, you didn't.
He goes, yeah. I go, did Eddie have the black and yellow guitar? He's like, no, that was the Van Halen 2 tour.
And then we're going like, you know, I think he buried that guitar with Dimebag and just had that great thing. And he goes, yeah.
And then I came back the next year. I saw Cheap Trick.
I was like, dude, I would kill to go in there. And he goes, let me make a phone call.
So he knows somebody up here. Dean knows.
Dean Del Rey fucking knows everybody. So he fucking calls him up.
And two seconds later, because we were in the hotel next door, we just fucking go. We just go in there.
The second I walked in there, I'm like, this literally looks like every fuck, this is like a Randy Rhoads place. You know, this is all of those bands that I, that, I mean, I never saw Randy with Quiet Riot or Ozzy.
Like he was gone by the time I was like 14 or 15 and I didn't start going to shows until I was 18, unfortunately. So I didn't get to see him.
But anyway, I saw it. It was total like fucking heavy metal parking lot.
If you've never seen that, it's incredible. Then they did a follow-up to it that I ended up seeing.
And the follow-up was funny because there's a guy in the first one that he's dressed in this animal print thing. And he's just being how we all were back then.
And they were asking him about music. And he's like, what are you, you know, he's just being a kid.
And at one point they asked him, what do you think of Madonna? He's like, ah, man, ah, fuck Madonna. He goes, she's a dick.
So years later, they tried to find the people that were in that documentary, which I got to tell you, it was a really important documentary, even though it's, ah, fuck, am I catching a cold? Or am I just allergic to something in this room? Oh, boy. Oh, Billy, run down.
Oh, Billy, run down. But anyways, they caught up with the kid that said Madonna was a dick, and you could see he was a dad at that point.
He was a responsible adult, and he was kind of like, he looked like he wasn't comfortable talking about it, which it was like, I get it, but then it's also like, dude, like, I'm not judging you. Like, I would have wanted to be friends with you, like, back then.
Like, you were like, you were the fucking man. I wish I could have pulled off that fucking animal print spandex shit.
I wanted to dress that way. I didn't have the fucking nerve.
Old Billy fucking redhead coming down there just trying to fit in.

I learned early on I wasn't the Fonz.

I was Richie Cunningham.

I was taught that by a sitcom.

You are not the cool person.

Over and over and over again

with the fucking redhead.

The redhead thing.

I don't know how the fuck

I ended up talking about that.

But oh yeah,

I'm going into that venue. So, you know, those guys were saying, like, you know, why don't you play here next time? Why don't you come up here and play? Maybe I will.
I don't know. It's a lot of fucking tickets, though.
But there's, I still want to do the Cow Palace at some point, like, which is another place, which is funny, I never even knew about that place because I lived on the East Coast. And then I just heard that every single band in the 80s, if you were selling tickets, you eventually played that place.
And it just sounds cool as hell. And it's big and it's ugly.
And it's in the fucking giant parking lot around it just you know and it looks like what america looked like when i was growing up like when i grew up i think that's why i love those old movies they were like you know it was an eyesore. It was the post...

What was it?

It was post-Vietnam, World War II,

Industrial Revolution,

the whole fucking...

All of that shit over the last hundred years,

you know, had gone

and then just dropped off.

And all these factories were fucking closing.

And all of these buildings were old.

There was just so much...

Thank you. just dropped off.
And all these factories were fucking closing. And all of these buildings were old.
There was just so much, so much, so many old buildings and houses. There wasn't, like, a lot of new construction.
Like, that racket didn't start, um... Like, I don't know when, like, even, like, when I moved to New York in 95, I mean, there was some new shit there.
But, like, just the level of new shit that is, that came around from, like, 95 to 2007 when I left, they were just knocking down one iconic thing or one cool old place after another. Yeah, they started the glass tower age where everything just has to be this glass fucking thing.
And then real estate agents stopped looking like real estate agents. They started looking like they had their own TV show.
And then they had TV shows. And now there's the weirdness of that.
Like, what do you think has more pressure to be in shape and good looking now? Being a movie star, if that even exists anymore, or being a fucking real estate agent? I mean, even the fucking, you know, they're walking around with their tight-ass clothes,

like the guys with their tight-ass, like, fitted fucking suits.

And you just look at them, you're just like, that real estate agent, that fucking real estate agent is in the gym every day and is eating, like, a microbiotic diet

to go sell a split entry. One of the great things about being a real estate agent is you can have a fucking donut, a cup of coffee, smoke a cigarette, your Ford Fairmont.
Before you went into the garrison colonial and tried to sell the shag rug piece of shit to somebody. Now you gotta go in there.

You gotta look like Brad Pitt's fucking

understudy.

Really is incredible.

I will say this, from around the world,

if you see an American that's fucking

shredded,

you better give him or her their respect. Because our food supply is fucking poison.
To become fucking shredded in Europe, oh my God, I'll never forget that fucking potato I had. The tomato I had in Italy and a fucking potato I had in Paris.

There wasn't even,

it was just like a fucking afterthought.

It was a plate filler.

I'm like, that's what a fucking potato tastes like?

Make sure you eat your vegetables.

Vegetables taste like shit over here.

Like, I love how they're like,

they have like YouTube videos on how to like fucking wash the carcinogens off of the goddamn thing. I don't know, which I get it.
I mean, you got to feed 350 million people. You got to do what you got to do, right? I guess.
But you know they're going too far. They got to be genetically modifying things.
The people that genetically modified our have been, they should have been put in the belly of the beast. Like they deserve that death.
I mean, they are like terrorists, terrorists. Anyway, I'm not gonna go down that depressing road again.
Although I just did. Anyway, so I'm going to Modesto and then I go to Stockton and then Visalia.

And Stockton was the one that I was really excited about because I was saying how I saw the beginning of that movie, Fat City.

And I got the idea or I learned how to like establish, you know, a setting for a movie by watching the beginning of that incredible movie. And, but I sort of Google Earth the place because I'm so excited to see what does it look like now versus what it looked like 50 years ago.
And in that movie, 50 years ago, you could see what it once was. And I'm happy to say I looked at it.

It looks fucking nice.

You know, once again, they built a bunch of glass shit there that nobody can afford.

But, you know, it looks good when you walk down the street.

Eh.

That has been the great thing about riding up the 99 out here is in between these towns,

some of the fucking cars and trucks and shit that you're seeing. One of these car shows like Gas Monkey Garage would have a fucking field day.
Some of the shit that you can pull out because like it's sitting here, it's in the sun or whatever, but like it's not rusted out the way it does back east.

I've yet

to see, you know,

sort of what I feel like the holy grail

truck, the cab over engine,

the COE. I just

fucking love those things.

It's one of those things like for some dumb

reason, you know, if you had all

the money in the world, you buy it and then you're like

two weeks later like, why the fuck did I get this thing? Your wife's just shaking her head. And you just, I know, it's stupid.
It's fun. I'm having fun.
Like, what do you want from me? I don't know what I'm doing. I got a hole in me.
I got to fill it up every day. Well, don't I do that? You do it from the moment I met you on, but you can't fix the shit before.
It happened. I'm trying.
What I did with you was I built a nice emotional house next to the sinkhole that I was in.

That's it, but the sinkhole's still there.

Don't go near it.

Anyway, so this has been one of my favorite tours I've done.

Like, these are just really, like, I gotta be honest with you.

At this point, how long I've been doing this, I'm coming up on 33 fucking years.

I don't know where it went.

It's very rare that I get to go start, I go to places that I've never been to before.

And on this run, Ojai, Visalia, Modesto, and Stockton, I've never been, I've got six dates, and I haven't never been to four of them. So, like, I literally hit the hotel, and I just fucking just start walking down the street just to look at it.
And I was thinking of that Johnny Cash song, that I've been everywhere, man. I've been everywhere.
And every time I listen to that song,

there's a few more cities that I check off.

But then by like the second verse, I'm like, Jesus Christ, this fucking guy.

This guy did the, those guys did the fucking road.

They did the fucking road.

They literally went everywhere. This fucking city's still in that song.
I've never even heard of. I have no idea where they are.
But, uh... I don't know.
I should look those up one time. That's the kind of fucking...
That's the kind of bullshit I have going on. That's the kind of demons I have in my head that I would actually look up all of those cities and then chart them on a map just to occupy my fucking brain.
And then once I checked them off, you know, I'd have to fight sending it to my agent and be like, all right, this is the next thing that I'm going to focus on so I can keep coming out here. I'm going to try to go to the rest of the cities in the Johnny Cash song.
Because I already did, like, all the sports arenas. I still have a few left.
Fucking hockey keeps adding teams. All I had left was Carolina and fucking Utah.
And now I got, not Utah, sorry, Seattle. And now they added a team in Utah, so I got that shit to do too.
So anyway, is that it? I think that's it. I think that's the podcast, everybody.
All right, so that shit I was babbling about, you know, God bless your political opinions and where you think this country should be going but for the love of god wherever you sit you are not helping this country going online and trying to upset people or trying to politicize everything or you know thinking that if you go on there and you you you say your political opinion, all you're doing is you're dividing us. You're dividing the locker room.
And whether you know it or not, those people you're trying to piss off or the people that you fucking hate or you want to rub their nose in it because your color tie went over that one, you're making this place worse. And if you really love this country, you would stop doing that.
And maybe, I don't know, you can focus on the handful of people that are the reason why we're at each other's fucking throats. All right, I'm off my freckled tree stump.
Okay? All right, enjoy the music, and then we're going to have a bonus episode of the Thursday afternoon just before Friday, Monday morning podcast. Don't be a cunt on the internet.
All right. Hey, what's going on? It's Bill Byrne.
It's time for the Monday morning podcast for Monday, November 21st, 2016. What's going on? How are ya? How's it going? Oh, I'm doing good, man.
I hope you guys are doing... Oh, it's a holiday weekend.
Doobie doobie doo. And Scootily Bop, you only have to work three days unless your boss is a fucking cunt.
There's always other ones too. Or if you're fucking self-employed, or if you're not happy with your home life, you'll come up with a reason, right? To go back into work just to fucking avoid it.
Yeah, you know what? This year, because we've been getting the fucking kitchen done, we don't have time to cook or anything, so we're actually going to a's house for uh thanksgiving which is which is great because they live in the same city as us so we don't have to go to the fucking airport right all these fucking people waddling around you know those people just oblivious of other you know it's a great fucking human being just totally being all about yourself oblivious moment is when fucking people

you know there's a whole herd of people just riding down an escalator and people like the second they step off it they don't keep walking and get the fuck out of the way they just they're just all fucking oblivious it's like you you were just on the escalator there's 50 people in front of you, a hundred people behind you.skins sorry I got the game on what a fucking throw what the fuck is going on with the Packers this year man I don't fucking get it anyway sorry about the screaming there you know you got 50 people in front of you you got 100 fucking people behind you you know and people are getting off They're kind of meandering and you're on the escalator thinking, go, go, get out of the way before we all fall down on each other. Right.
If you're any sort of a thinking human being going like, oh, assessing the problem. Well, when in fucking eight seconds, when I become that person, I'm going to get the fuck out of the way.
So whoever the fuck is 20 people behind me will not be having this panic moment because of me.

Going to become part of the solution.

Not the fucking problem, right?

I don't even know what I'm talking about at this point.

I can't even remember the point I was trying to make.

Oh, I know what I'm saying.

Yeah, the kind of fucking people like, you know.

What was I talking about?

I was talking Thanksgiving. That's right, right? So we're going to have fucking people.
I have no idea what point is. You know what I know what I'm saying.
Yeah. The kind of fucking people like, you know, was that how sorry? Thanksgiving.
That's right. Right.
So we're going to fucking. I have no idea what point is.
You know what I mean? I just said a bunch of shit. I hope it was funny because God knows there was no point.
And I think that actually is the point of the Monday morning podcast for all you people out there, you know, who tend to take it unbelievably seriously. Those of you out there who think that I influenced the fucking election.
Isn't that hilarious? $7 billion was spent to get Trump and all these fucking people a chance to get elected. But, you know, that all goes out the window the second some fuckhead who can't even read out loud does a podcast all out the window.
I'll tell you, if that's true, I'm i'm gonna start i'm gonna start charging more for my fucking advertising you know what i mean maybe i'll use that as a selling point 2017 uh evidently i was i was the reason trump got into fucking office oh jesus hey hey trump supporters you liking what you're seeing so far huh you're liking these fucking you know you thought was old. Look at the fucking people he surrounded himself with.
Jesus Christ, if they're not in a Nazi fucking movie, they're like 450 fucking years old. Rudy Giuliani.
This is like when some old hair metal band gets back together again, thinking they're going to put out a fucking relevant album. You're not, it's had your time it's fucking done you know what i mean these guys are going to get the fucking band back together and start singing about what huh girls in a strip club and the devil maybe the pmrc or whatever the fuck people used to sing about back in the day i don't pretend to No.
You know, we were fucked either way. All these fucking people.

By the way, I got to give a shout out to somebody. What's her name? From Cosmopolitan Magazine, Laura Beck, calling out SNL for the horseshit that that was that opening.
Completely agreed. When they were singing, the woman who plays Clinton, Hillary Clinton played Alleluia.
It was kind of confusing. Like, was this a tribute to fucking Leonard Cohen dying or was this a political fucking statement? And she kind of called him out going, didn't you guys have Trump as a fucking host while he was running for president? And all of a sudden, you know, you helped promote the guy, didn't you? I mean, shit, if I did by trashing both fucking people, right? She actually said it was bullshit.
It was fucking hilarious. It's a great read.
I'll give you guys a link to it. But I mean, it's a TV show.
That's what they do. They did that to a buddy of mine.
They did that to fucking Dane Cook. They had him fucking host it twice.
He made him a bunch of fucking money with high ratings. And then all of a sudden, there's a little blip on the fucking internet.
You know, tide turns a little bit. And then they use him as a fucking cheap joke when he wasn't even on the show.
That's what they do over there. That's what they do in this business.
They're not your fucking friends. See, that's why, you know what you do? You stay where I stay, right in my little cave.
You do a podcast by yourself, and then no one can hurt you. Anyways, so every time I do a stand-up special, it ends up being a little bit too long, at least the last couple ones.
So you start thinking, what if we take this out here? What if we do a little fucking thing here? And you end up fucking the whole thing up. What you really have to do is you've got to cut off a limb.
You've got to remove a kidney. Basically, you've just got to take out a chunk.
And I figured out what chunk it was going to be, or I had an idea that that's what I wanted. And then the director, Jay, had the same idea.
We took it out and it flows. And it went from a too long of a special.
Now it's like fucking perfect. And now we're going to.
And all I've seen at this point is just the raw feed of it. So it's not even like in HD.
And it looks way over lit. And on my fucking pasty goddamn white head I look like an asshole and it still looks like a good special so I'm very excited I got that done F is for Family Second Season we're starting to fucking you know tighten these things down for the final fucking edit and then next month I'm going to start the process of what should be a quick edit is editing the audio from what I did Madison Square Garden a year ago for the New York Comedy Festival.

Sorry, hiccups.

New York Comedy Festival.

I didn't almost get emotional there.

New York Comedy Festival.

And then once I get all that shit done, right, then I'm just like done.

I'm done. I can just enjoy the rest of the fucking year.
I got nothing to do really, right, and then it starts all over again in January, you know. It'd be nice if I did cardio for the rest of the week and just, you know, then I can fucking throw down.
That's another good thing about going to somebody's place for the holidays. They got to clean up, you know.
You don't leave with a bunch of fucking food. It's going to be good.
I'm excited about when he wants me to make this fucking stuff. And I knew she wouldn't let me just go over there.
It's like, why can't I just be the 12 pack guy? That's the best guy. You put on a sweater, right? You go over there, you make people fucking laugh.
You show up with like a 12 or fucking whatever, whatever the fuck you want. You know, I tried this IPA lately and I'm really not an IPA guy.

I go in and out of that shit. I usually drink, just drink shit that's considered a white trash beer.
And, um, cause I just like getting fucked up. You know, I'm not into the taste.
I just

want to get fucked up. Right.
And I want you guys to say, well, those IPAs have a fucking high

alcohol content. I don't give a shit.
They fucking they're heavy fucking heavy as hell but i tried this one it was called the green line and i got it i don't even because they only had a couple beers at this place it was this foofy fucking place and i just wanted a beer and that's one of the only ones they had i actually really liked it it. Reminded me of living in Boston, fucking going out to fucking Chestnut Hill and the Green Line, dude.
Kenmore Square, go to the fucking Sox. Rich Gedman, dude.
He's an ex-Carlton Fisk. Gary Allenson.
Oh, Jesus. There's a couple of Red Sox names from way back in the day.
Anyways, I tried that shit. I actually really liked it.
And I don't even want to, you guys, I'm just fucking talking in circles because I haven't been home. I haven't been to my house in like fucking two months.
And I've had it. Me and Nia have been living on top of each other.
And, you know, I don't know about her, but I'm pretty sick of us being this close to one another.

So hopefully Tuesday we get back in the fucking place.

Oh, nice fucking throw. Aaron Rodgers over the top.

DB complaining, saying he fucking pushed off.

Of course you're going to say that.

That's what you say when a guy fucking, when a tight end beats you that deep as a fucking corner.

How the hell does that happen? How do you let that happen? I ask you guys. He pushed them within five yards.
I think that was all right. Anyways, how about those Bruins, huh? Handling Winnipeg.
I was all nervous. They're the top two scorers in the league.
What did we do? We put fucking three of them, three goals in the second period. Right scored fucking marshawn fucking bergy belski whatever the fuck his name is and then i don't know the fuck we actually went up four nothing one four to one that's another thing when i get back i got my bruins and celtics package i can start watching that shit so i can really start boring you guys with the sports talk you know i didn't see the Patriots game today because I've been running around.
I haven't been spending time with my wife, so I took her out someplace today. She'll come on later.
Tell you all about it. But all I know is it's the usual shit.
All my fucking friends who are Pats fans are like, dude, why'd we trade Chandler Jones? Why'd we get rid of Jamie Collins? Our fucking defense stinks, dude. So I think it was, you know, what should have been an easy game.
I guess evidently wasn't, but I didn't see any of that. I watched the boxing though.
Who the fuck, that Russian guy, that Igor Larionov, was that his fucking name? It was a real hacky Russian name, was Sergei Kovalev, which is like every Russian guy in the NHL. Either his first name is Sergei or his last name is Kovalev.
That's really like the John Smith of Russian names. So he's fighting this American dude, so I got to go for the fucking American.
And I got to tell you something. The fucking first fucking round, all right? Igor Arianov comes out and he fucking punches Andre Reid.
Is that the guy's name or is that the guy in the Bills? I can't fucking remember. I'm not a big boxing fan.
I love the sport. I love it, but it's been ruined.
It's been ruined because every three pounds is a new weight class that has yet another fucking champion and then there's like 15 different fucking boxing federations it's a shit show like there's more boxing divisions than there are podcasts and i'll tell you that's ain't something because there's a lot of them out there um you know what i mean when i was a kid it was like it was like flyweight It was like flyweight, featherweight, middleweight, welterweight, heavyweight, something like that. I can't remember.
I can't remember the fucking divisions. Now I have things like this.
There's like 15 offshoots of each one of them. You know what? It's like those superhero movies.
Like back in the day, Superman was in a Superman movie. Batman was in a Batman.

They didn't fucking know each other. They weren't all hanging out at the same place.
Maybe on the

super friends they were super friends. They did at the hall of justice, but they, they only did

that. They, they did that when they drew it, but they never had that in movies.
You know what I

mean? Superman was Christopher Reeves. That was his fucking shit and uh see batman right who'd they have they had michael keaton remember that and he was all sweaty in the locker room with just a towel around him wearing the bat mask and he got in the face of val kilmer and he was like that's right ice man i am dangerous and Val said, clicked his fucking teeth together and then they all played volleyball.
You know, and then they were playing volleyball. Aquaman didn't come out of the ocean, did he? You know what I mean? Looking at Batman being like, take my breath away.
Do-do-do. You know, Kelly McGillis gets in her invisible jet.
I can't remember.

I can't believe the fucking names I remember from that movie.

I saw that movie a bunch of times.

That was one that I owned on VHS.

Right?

I was in high school and everybody went and wanted to get a fucking ninja motorcycle and fucking fly F-16s, you know, inverted.

We all thought we were going to do that.

You know, there's every once in a while like a movie comes out and you're like, you know what? I'm going to fucking do that. Right.
And then what happens? You know what happens? Geometry, algebra two and trig, all of that happens. And then you're like, oh, oh, wait a minute.
Wait, I thought I think I was going to fly jets. Is that what I thought was going to happen? Oh, I'm sorry.
I'm going to be a salesman. You know, I make people laugh.
You know, I, you know, I come into a room. I make people feel good.
What do you got a product? I'll do it. Huh? Are you sick of cutting potatoes like this? What if you had that? I like the guy with the John Riggins fucking Jersey in the crowd at the Redskins game, man.
44 was always a badass fucking number. That was always a fullback number when I was growing up.
John Riggins, Robert Newhouse, you know. Chuck Foreman, I think he was a running back.
Was he 44? That was a badass fucking number. Reggie Jackson, you know.
Now this guy Starks. He's got a...
That's a fucking legendary number. I wonder how many fucking Hall of Famers wore 44.
I fucked that. How many fucking just like skirts wore 44? Not a lot.
Everybody ever wore 44 was a tough motherfucker, right? I like to think. John Riggins broke my heart, man, because I was a big-time Cowboys fan back then.
Before, how about them Cowboys? When they kicked out Tom Landry and Tech Schramm, that was just the worst. You know, I thought Tom Landry was going to be there forever.
You know, I was young. I didn't know.
I didn't know people get old and it passes them by. It's fucked up, right? And I hated the fucking Redskins for beating the Cowboys so much

that when they were in that Super Bowl,

I actually rooted for the Dolphins.

And I hated the fucking Dolphins because we can never beat them.

And when Riggins broke through the line

and whoever the fuck that was on the Dolphins that came by

and just grabbed him by the waist and slid down him like a greased fucking pole,

and he just kept running. It killed me.
was it aj dewey i don't fucking remember anyways um how much time have i done here is it time for the fucking regen i don't think so um hey nia you want to come in here and tell people about your day i gotta tell you this you this shit, right? So I haven't been, you know, I've been fucking busting my ass. You know, I was getting ready to do the special and then editing all that bullshit I talked about earlier.
So, you know, if you don't spend time with your wife, all of a sudden your wife gets all upset with you. Like, oh, you don't spend time with me and boo-hoo-hoo, I have fucking needs.
Hey, Nia. Who are you talking about? I'm just, I'm doing a character.
What the fuck did I do with the mic? There's the microphone. There's the microphone.
All right. Hello.
Talk to me. Hello.
Talk to me, Goose. Hello.
So anyways, yeah, I haven't been spending time with you. So I figured today, you know what? I got to go.
I got to do something. I got to do something.
So I took my wife to go see Casablanca today while the Patriots were on. I got to get credit for that.
Okay? So I thought it was at this old theater. I was telling you about these guys on, I think Thursday I was telling them about it.
Like there was all these old theaters out here that I'm obsessed with where they had the Oscars throughout the years.

I just think of all the great comedians and actors and directors and everything that have been on them.

I love that sense of history, right?

So you got the Pantages.

You got the fucking Who's and What's out in Santa Monica.

Kodak Theater.

All these fucking places. So I just remember that one from the 80s that I always saw.
I guess it was in downtown LA. Maybe that's the one down the other way.
I don't fucking know. But I just looked them up.
And I was like, you know what? I'd love to do maybe a show there. Or I might want to do, you know, just go to something.
And I looked up that one downtown. And it said there was just a bunch of orchestras there.
And then it said it was Casablanca. I'm like, I fucking love Humphrey Bogart.
I'll take Nia to go see that shit. So we go down.
And of course, we show up in the theater I want to go into. There's nobody there.
They're like, oh, yeah. Yeah, it's not here.
It's at the theater next door. This little old couple.
So you go up and we're walking around the theater. It's completely deserted.
I'm already starting to curse up a fucking storm. Yeah, Bill's already getting hot.
I'm going, fuck that. I was on the fucking website.
I looked it up twice. And I did.
I looked it up twice. This little old couple who were walking with their little bonnets on because it was raining outside., like, is this where they're having the movie? I was a little more frantic than that.
Yeah. Like, you guys coming from the movie? You're old.
That was my energy. And I said, I was across the street at the concert hall.
And you had one of your classic, you made the mistake,

and so you started having a little meltdown.

I didn't make a mistake,

because if you look the fucking theater up,

and you look at the calendar.

Okay, and it says it was at the Dorothy Chandler Pavilion?

No, you click on calendar events,

and it lists that.

But I think the same person owns the theater.

It's like buying a car. Yeah, we got it at this lot, and all of a sudden you're down the street.
It's like you're in Goodfellas. A little further down.
I don't know, Jimmy. I think I'll pick it up tomorrow.
That's what they did to me. Well, anyway, it was across the street at the Walt Disney Concert Theater.
At this symphony looking thing that looked like a fucking exploded golf ball. It's designed by Frank Gary.
It's like one of the most impressive pieces of architecture. That's like the drummer from Extreme, isn't it? No, it's a very famous architect.
If you don't like what you see here, get the funk out. What? Get the funk out, get the funk out, get the funk out.
What are you singing? We won't try to. It's one of the whitest trying to be funky songs ever.

Get the funk out. That one, and then there's the...
Some big, John is my name. Anyway, this building...
Playing funk is my game. It's one of the worst songs ever.
This building was one of the most impressive pieces of architecture in Los Angeles. It's a beautifully designed space, and Bill was just like, I couldn't help but laugh at you because you were just muttering and cursing and stomping around in the rain.
I don't want to go into this one. I want to go into this theater.
I don't want to see this one. I hate that super modern shit.
I've done shows in those stupid symphony fucking things. You feel like you're in front of the council in one of those Superman movies where you're like down they're all fucking up above you and they're behind you I fucking hate those things so I was like I don't want to fucking go into this thing so I end up showing but it's like I got to take it to this thing it's fucking raining out so Nia's all like well we'll go to that theater another time when it's a different event I'm trying to like calm you down because it's now we another building.
No big deal. We're going to go see...
And then what happened? We go over... So we show up and I go, hey, can I get...
And I literally said to you, now we're going to fucking go to this stupid ass fucking theater. It's probably in some small room.
It's going to be you, me, and four other old people. And the movie's almost ready to start.
right? So we fucking show up. And I go up to the booth and I go, yeah, I need two tickets to Casablanca.
And the person's like, oh, I don't know if there's any tickets left. And I'm like, what are you talking about? It's raining.
It's Sunday. Football's on.
This fucking movie's like 80 years old. Who's going to come see it? I don't know.
I got to check. Right.
And then she finally goes, well, you can't actually be found, too. And I'm like, thank Christ.
Trying to do something romantic here. It's not the right fucking theater.
Now they're going to be sold out. Because you got to go down two windows.
So I say, fine. I kept my cool there.
There. Right.
The rain had rained enough on my steaming head that I walked over. And it cooled you off a little bit.
Cooled me off a little bit. And I walk over and I go, let me get two.
And they go, okay. And then the guy goes, okay, that's going to be $161.
Right. I go, $161.
He goes, each. And we both were like, wait, what are you talking about? What are you talking about? So it turned out.
There's no way. So this is what it turned.
It turns out. I think this is way too loud here.
I got to turn this down here. It turns out that what was happening was the L.A.
Philharmonic was going to be playing the film score while you watched the movie. It turns out this was a major L.A.
cultural event that was basically sold out. Bill thought it was just going to be a movie.
Just like a screening for a few old people and us. It turns out it's this major event.
Everybody's got on like sport coats and fucking dresses and shit. Everyone's all dressed up.
I'm sitting there in my wet hoodie. going $161.
What the fuck?

Humphrey Bogart in there?

What the fuck's going on, right?

We're going to view the body.

Aaron Eckhart introduces the fucking movie.

Yeah, so you know when you just don't give a shit?

I just said, fuck it.

So I light up the card, and I go, let's go in there. And then I start getting this feeling of like, this might be fucking amazing.

And then there's all these ushers walking around hitting these things that are going

boom, boom, like letting people know that, you know, that whole, like, you don't want

to disturb rich white people that, that things are about ready to start, whatever that fucking

instrument is called.

And they fucking go in there.

We go in there and, and like, it's like, holy shit.

Like, we're going to listen to the LA Philharmonic while we watch Casablanca. How fucking great was it? It was amazing.
It was such an awesome experience. Bill kind of fumbled his way into a really amazing Sunday afternoon.
Romantic day, and I get no credit. I get no credit because I picked the wrong fucking theater.
I just totally stumped. So I can't even be like, ah, you see that with the orchestra.
I picked that out on purpose. I completely didn't.
Well, I feel like you definitely get points for you seeing that you saw something cultural going on. You're like, oh, that sounds cool.
Like Nini would like that. And we went and it turned out to be amazing.
So it was, it was great. it was great yeah it was a hail mary it wasn't even a hail mary it was just like the actor came out and introduced the movie oh not the oil man is there another famous aaron eckhart i don't know are you being sarcastic i'm being a dick right now was he in no was he in no no country old man he was in that get out of.
In the company of men. Was that him? And he was in Sully.
Sully. Yeah, he had the mustache.
Yes, he was in that movie. He was in that movie.
Which... That was a movie.
That was a movie. They made up.
Evidently, they made up all of this other shit. That movie was so fucking boring.
Can I just say that? You don't have to say it. I'll say it.
Come on. It's Clint Eastwood.
It was Rappaport's in it. Jerry's in it.
There's a bunch of our buddies. Yes, we have friends that are in that movie.
Oh, aren't we a Hollywood couple? Our friends are in it. That movie was so boring.
Because you know why? Because nobody, this sounds so terrible, but nobody died. Nobody got injured.
No, he nailed it. He nailed it.
He put it right where he was supposed to put it. Yeah, there's no high stakes.
Hey, both my engines went out at 1,500 feet. Should I try to land it in the water or fly back over the most densely populated area in the United States.
So he put it in the water. Everyone survived.
The whole thing took, in real life, 24 minutes for everyone to get rescued. It's like, what is the movie about? Well, they had to have the evil corporate guys going, you couldn't save the jet? Yeah.
Could you push some people out on the way over? It just wasn't exciting. Tom Hanks is a wonderful actor.
All the acting was great in it. I want to see him play a serial killer.
I'm so sick of him always being doing the right thing. That's not his brand.
That's not Tom Hanks' brand. He's not a serial killer.
Did he die in Saving Private Ryan? Spoiler alert. Remember he was just sitting there firing at the tank? You never saw that?

No.

I'm not into those kind of...

I'm not into war movies.

It's not a war movie.

Saving Private Ryan is not about a war?

No.

And soldiers that die in it?

Well, I mean, that's literally what it is, but it's more of a metaphor.

It is?

Yeah.

Saving Private Ryan is a metaphor?

It's a metaphor, yeah.

What is a metaphor for?

Please explain. You don't even know what you're talking about Do you even know what a metaphor is? It's an incredible fucking movie Alright, I believe you Alright Well you kind of just killed your credibility To say Sally's boring and then you're like Yeah, I'm not into war movies Saving Private Ryan is one of the most unbelievable fucking movies I ever saw.
Why does that kill my credibility?

Just because I didn't like Sully. Because I said so.

Oh, I see.

That's how it works.

One thing has to do with the other.

I don't know, Nia.

You've been bugging me lately.

Why?

Yeah, I don't know.

I don't want to be a dick, but are you putting on weight?

Excuse me?

You're like putting on weight.

Every fucking month you're getting bigger.

Yeah.

I keep telling you to fucking do something about it. I have a condition.
You have a condition? What is that condition? And it makes me bigger and bigger every month. I'm having a baby.
Yeah, the Laugh Factory fucking tweeted that out. So I guess we got to announce it.
Yeah, I'm going to be a fucking father. We're going to be parents, everybody.
Are you so excited for us? Do you know what it is? They don't give a shit. I'm actually.
I think they do. People have been very.
People who have. You know who you are.
Who have already tweeted about it. Stay offline.
Stay offline. Don't become that person.
I feel like people care. Listen.
Why? Because it's going to bring out all the people who have nasty things to say about it? No, because people have lives. But people have actually been very sweet.
What? What? What? No, you know what? You're watching those ladies screaming at each other too much. And the ones where they sit around.
You know what was one of the funny things I saw lately? It was when you had the fucking Kardashians onians on with the sound down yeah so much of the footage is them just looking at each other with their fucking mouth kind of open like slack jawed because someone else is talking over the top just going i just feel like when mandy said to sandy that she you know she couldn't go during the nose job trip i felt that she was upset upset. And as the person's talking, they just cut to their faces.

They're like, I can't.

It's a visual.

They look like those little pouty cats.

Okay.

What do you mean okay?

Where did that come from?

I don't know what that has to do.

I don't know.

I just want you to turn this into a Kelly Ripper moment, guys.

And this is what...

Just makes me feel like, you know, I'm starting to understand why Michael Strahan left that show So anyways yeah It's official it is confirmed Alright No it is and I'm just I'm not going to be one of these fucking assholes You're very like you're begrudgingly talking about it And I understand why No because I, because I fucking hate parents. You hate parents? I hate.
Why? The ones on, you know, this is the hardest fucking job. The most rewarding job, like blah, blah, blah.
And then they all say it. They all fuck.
Even like Chuck Yeager would say some shit like that. It's like, really, dude? Flying a fucking jet up into space, like trying to get a kid's fucking backpack on for first grade is more difficult than what the fuck you just went through up there.
You know what I mean? I think that they placate to fucking, is that the right word? To Joe Sixpack, where they got to be like, but the real heroes. Pander.
Pander. The real people out there, the real heroes out there, the people out there, they're, they're, they're making the tuna fish sandwiches, cutting it into four fucking pieces.

You had sex and you didn't use protection. That's what you did.
And now here you are. You're not Tom Hanks pretending to land a fucking plane into the Hudson River.
Okay, you did. It's not exactly the miracle on the Hudson.
No.

So old Billy Boo's bag's going to get a couple more rights and left in

before the little one comes,

and then I'm going to be,

I've got to pick my spots then.

Is that the idea?

Is that what's been happening,

that you're just going to go on

like a little bit of a bender?

Yeah, I've been on a bender

the whole fucking year.

And then when the baby comes,

you're going to just like cut yourself off?

Yeah, I mean, what am I going to do? I'm going to be fucking hungover? I'm going to be that guy? No, I've been on a bender the whole fucking year. And then when the baby comes, you're going to just cut yourself off? Yeah, I mean, what am I going to do?

I'm going to be fucking hungover?

I'm going to be that guy?

No, I hope not.

Yeah, no, I'm not going to do that.

No, it's over.

It's done.

But then I got all this great hooch back at the house, so I got to kill it.

I got to kill it before it comes.

That doesn't mean you have to drink all the alcohol before the baby comes.

It's not like you're never going to have a drink again ever in your life.

Well, I got to make space for like fucking sippy cups and shit, don't I?

Wordle, wordle, wordle.

Sucking my bottles down.

They're not going to go on the bar.

So you don't have to worry about making space.

Well, you know what?

I'll save some of my Pappy Van Winkles.

You're one of the most spoiled kid ever.

When the baby's teething, I'll rub Pappy Van Winkles on his fucking gums. Yeah.
Isn't that what you're supposed to do? I don't know. I don't know.
Is that like, that's an old school thing. But I'm already going to do this shit.
Like every time the kid cries, I'm not fucking going in there. There's this great book that I read on Norwegian parenting that says that, you know, when the kid starts crying, you just kind of, you know the bed and then you kind of look and you just go, knock it off! And then that's it.
You scare the shit out of it and it understands what's going on. You're making fun of what I told you was in the book that I'm reading.
By the way, it's 29-24, fucking Washington. Green Bay just scored.
This is a great game. This reminds me of one of those old San Diego Chiaja games.
Are you watching the football game while you're doing the podcast? I don't know. That's not a push in the back.
Get the fuck out of here. Anyways, what were we talking about? Oh, yeah, having a kid.
Yeah. Only the biggest moment in our relationship ever.
You know, no big deal. Well, let let's see what happens Yes, we've been going to like fucking Lamaze classes and shit Jesus fucking Christ The classes have been great The classes have been great But this is how far the fucking progressive left has gone There's a fucking line for when she comes in It says, Mom, will you sign up? And me, I'm thinking, finally.
It says, name of mother.

Name of mother.

And then I'm like, and then my call, I'm like, I'm finally going to be called a dad

after almost living on this planet for half a fucking century.

And it just says, partner.

Fucking ridiculous.

And what kills me is everybody in there, heterosexual, all in a fucking relationship.

Everybody there was.

It's all straight couples.

Straight couples and all the dads were there.

Yeah.

Yeah, that's true.

I'm sorry. there, heterosexual, all in a fucking relationship.
Everybody there was... It's all straight couples.

Straight couples and all the dads were there.

Yeah, yeah, that's true.

She keeps going, coaches, coaches. She keeps calling them coaches.
I swear to God, dude,

I'm going to show up with a fucking whistle next week.

The fucking Bill Belichick hoodie

and shit. What the fuck are you talking about?

She said dad's last class.

Yeah, she's probably going to get in trouble. She said dad's twice last class.
I didn't hear it. Yeah, because you're too busy muttering under your breath about how she's telling you coach.
Every time she says coaches, I say fathers. Or fathers.
I'm not trying to cut out gay people or people who got banged behind a fucking Carl's Jr. You know what I mean? But what about us? That's the solution? I solution i thought it's inclusive you're supposed to include people i'll take second or third billing behind uh alternative people what did you think of that um birthing video that we watched the last class oh paulie's placenta yeah that was tremendous i don't know i don't even know why i'm there near it's all gonna go out the fucking window the doctors and nurses are gonna tell you what to do I'm just there for you to fucking yell at me it's so fucking stupid if I was going through gallbladder surgery or whatever you would not be in there holding my fucking hand it's so dumb this is just classic you guys you know you got the shit end of the stick on this thing and somehow you figured out a way to drag us in there.
I'll tell you right now, I'm staying north of that fucking sheet. Yeah, I don't want you to be south of the sheet.
Hey, you want to hook up your own cable? No, I don't. That's what the fuck I'm paying you for.
I don't want you to be below the blanket. Below deck? You don't need to be below deck.
I'm talking about performance problems for the next three months because I keep picturing my kid's head Coming out of your twat No I'm not doing that I shouldn't be in there Am I fucking in mash? You said after you No But you said After you watched the movie You leaned over to me And you said I understand now Why the guy is in there You did say that Yeah to get yelled to get yelled at. No, that's not what it was.
It was to provide comfort. You're killing my fucking image here, okay? Oh, fuck your image.
Dad now, get over it. Fuck your image.
No, I'm going to be a sober dad, but on the road, oh, I'll tell you, I'm ripping it up, you know? Yeah. Oh, just like every other comic out there, you fucking hack.
I told you my last podcast, I was going for a Boston accent word, and I realized that I was going to get in trouble if I said it, so that I had to switch to cunts. I was like, all right, I'll talk to you lady.
You fucking quints. Fucking Ben Bailey looks at me.
He's like, quints? I was like, yeah, it's a new day. I'm going to get in trouble if I say it.
I don't mean anything by it. So, anyways.
Yeah, don't end up like Kanye. Don't have everybody be mad at you.
Oh, he's going to be fine.

He knows what the fuck he's doing.

He was yelling.

I'll be honest with you.

I don't understand those shows anyways.

There's no band.

Everybody's standing with their cell phones on,

and there's somebody rapping, and then they're just sticking them.

It's for young kids.

They love it, and I'm not going to go there like,

you think this is music?

I'm not going to be that guy.

Right.

Stay away from them.

Thank you. and they're just sticking them out.
It's for young kids. They love it, and I'm not going to go there like, you think this is music? I'm not going to be that guy.
Stay away from them. I'm going to go see Casablanca in the rain with a bunch of old people.
By the way, Nia, did you see during the break those old people trying to walk? Holy fucking shit. I cannot stress stretching and getting a massage if you can afford to do it brutal.
Jeez. A lot of hunched over people.
Yeah, a lot of people roughly my fucking age, too, having limps and shit. Like, what the fuck do you guys do? You know, look, some of them probably fought in a fucking war.
Who's kidding who? But I'm just saying, generally speaking, you know what I mean? I know. Maybe we should give them a break.
Dude, they didn't all fight in a fucking war. You know what I mean? They weren't all on the front lines, is what I'm saying.
A lot of those people were peeling potatoes, and they're still fucking limping. That makes no sense.
All right, let me read a little bit of advertising here. Peeling potatoes.
Peeling potatoes there. All right.
All right, you want to answer a few questions before we get the fuck out of here? Sure. Before we get the fuck out of here.
What's the score to the game? I didn't buy myself that watch that I have, by the way. I didn't say you did.
You're just taking the bait. I'm just breaking your fucking ovaries over there.
What is the score to the fucking game? I was just showing the highlights. All right.
Hey there, Billy Clairvoyant. You probably didn't notice this because I doubt you listen back to your own podcast, but there have been throwback parallels.
I actually listen to my podcast as I upload them. I'm just listening to them.
I don't know why I do. He loves the sound of his own voice.
That's not true. I've learned to love it.
When you first hear your own voice, you don't like it. Now I can't live without it.
I walk around with headphones in my house just listening to my own podcast. When Andrew cuts together the clips, he uses the same date from eight years ago.
Last Thursday was from November 17, 2008. Oh, he told me he does that.
That's cool. He said in that episode you made a reference to Cash Cab, which was hosted by your guest this week, week ben bailey also a couple weeks ago when you first mentioned watching westworld the throwback clip had you mentioned the original westworld once again eight years ago to the to the day yeah that back then that's when i wanted to buy the rights to it until i realized it was zillions of dollars and i was like oh forget it bye it.
Bye-bye, everybody.

And I had my whole representation all excited, like,

is he going to do something like this?

Are we going to get a piece of this?

And I was like, oh, that's too much money.

He said, I'll be on the lookout for more of these in hopes to exploit your magic.

Love you.

Love Nia.

Well, that's all.

Love you too, boo.

That's all due to, what's his face?

Andrew.

Andrew, like I think he tries to find like the parallel.

So that's his homework, not mine.

All right.

Thanksgiving recipe.

Hey there, Billy White meat.

I liked it.

Billy White meat.

Bill Burr, the other white meat.

The other white meat.

Hey there, Billy White meat.

What are you going to teach us to cook this year? If i don't get another cooking video like the pie crust masterpiece i'm boycotting the season i'm the single one of my siblings and last year i showed up with the pie and waited till everyone was done to let them know i made it then i showed them your video and we had some full fully belly laughs full i think full belly laughs is what you want to say. Don't let me let my family down.
Don't let me let my family down by letting me down. Oh, God.
Thanks for all the free laughs. Hearing you get through that sentence.
I know. My eyes are always 10 words ahead of what I can fucking remember.
I think that's what happens maybe i'm just dumb um it's gonna be sad when our kids are better reader than me fucking six months in our baby's gonna teach you how to read he's gonna read you some book and oh yeah i mean whenever i've read to like my nieces and nephews like there's a point when they stop looking at the book and they just turn around and look at me and then it's like more pressure and i'm literally reading like the rabbit goes hop hop hop hop it doesn't go hop it it hops a cow goes moo maybe that helps you out there fucking old and bald um well i feel like last year like making a pie crust was like a skill that I had. Like, I don't know what else to show you guys how to make.
You know, if Nia lets me get this fucking griddle that I want to get. Oh, my God, this griddle.
Oh, my God, this fucking griddle. It's like you love when I cook, but you don't want to, you know what I mean? It's like you like your freedom, but you don't want to see how it happens.
You're the same way with food. You know? Touchdown fucking Redskins.
God damn it. Because I don't, what are you trying to do here? You're trying to get like every fucking invention that has to do with cooking or grilling or smoking or frying, you want to buy it.
And it's just like, where are we going to put all this shit? Okay. List all the shit that I've bought.
I'm not saying that you've bought it all. I'm saying that you want to buy it all.
And why I do want to buy it all, and why haven't I bought it all? Because there's no room for it. And who determined that? I mean...
Oh, another missed extra point. Who determined that, Nia? You decided that.
I thought it was a mutual. It wasn't.
All right. I had a buddy of mine was going to hook me up with a smoker.
A pellet smoker. You said no.
Well, because he tried to act like he told me it was the size of a typewriter. He was doing me a solid.
Then when he actually showed it to me, he was like, come here, let me show you. Let me show you what it looks like.
And then I looked at it and I'm like, in what universe is this the size of a typewriter? It was the size of a small fridge. I said, it's like a sewing machine.
He goes, oh, yeah, yeah. It's more like a sewing machine.
I'm like, a sewing machine is not a typewriter. Can I tell you something, Nia? That's why guys are great.
That's why I love that dude forever. Because we do that for each other.
I don't know if women do. I won't speak for you guys, but guys do that for each other.
It's the size of a wallet. We need a kitchen the size of his kitchen in order to do all the things that you want to do.
It's a portable thing. It's on fucking wheels.
It's in the back. But we got like three fucking tables in the backyard and I can't get rid of any of those tables for the fucking potato salad.

You know, every piece of furniture I put in the backyard has a function and we have used it in that function.

That doesn't make any sense.

It doesn't mean.

No, you know what you're doing is you've become the dictator of the fucking backyard.

You're the woman.

I own the backyard.

I own the fucking garage. If we had a basement, that's my shit.
You can have the rest of the fucking house. All right? So what are you saying? I'm saying I'm getting that griddle.
Okay. All right? Mm-hmm.
Oh, Jesus Christ. Yeah, you're going to say that until I fucking make you a nice fucking steak and cheese or make some hash browns or make you a Grand Slam breakfast.
You've been making all of those things without the griddle. You've been making all those things without the griddle.
It's because I'm a talented guy. Right.
So exactly. So what do you need all this other stuff for if you're so talented? Because just imagine how good it would taste if I actually had a fucking griddle.
Even those fucking stoves that have a griddle.

The thing sucks because it's one heat source.

So you can't have difference.

You can't move it around.

You can't play with your heat.

It sucks.

It's like this is the temperature.

It's a pain in the fucking ass.

It's one thing if you got a pot or a pan.

You can take it on the heat.

Take it off.

But when you're on your fucking griddle, you want one on, one off, or maybe one a little bit on? Why don't you just get one of those little electric griddles? What am I, a freshman in college? Once you can put on your counter. Well, when you divorce me.
Oh, that's too sad to say. Why would you say that? If you ever do that.
Why would you ever say that? Because you're asking me as a grown fucking man to buy divorcee kitchen products. What the fuck are you talking about? Divorcee.
Yeah, I'll go to McDonald's and grab some extra packets of ketchup for in the future when I need more ketchup. I've done all that, Nia.
I've used chairs for tables. I ate pasta all fucking day and pancakes.
I've done all that. Yes, yes, we know.
Yeah, yeah. You sick of my self-made man shit? It annoys you, doesn't it? I would eat spaghetti with the prego and the bread because it would fill me up and it would last me all night so I could do all my spots.
And I would eat pancakes because it kept me the most full when I was on the road. Filled me up like cement.
And you know who I'm doing that for? The fucking people out there, women included, who want to fucking make something happen. And food's a big thing, because you've got to fucking have it every day.
So you've got to have that shit that fills you up, all right? Listen, don't let this little ray of sunshine fucking rain on your parade, okay? I'm here for all you guys. I'm the positive guy.
I'm the motivational speaker. Hey, speaking of motivational, what the fuck's going on with the P90X guy? Did he become a vegan or something? Well, first of all, he's not doing P90X anymore.
He's got a different thing late night. Yeah, but now Tony Horton, he's looking a little like he's not doing his pull-ups anymore.
He's getting older. He's looking like, I don't know, he's looking all veggie.
Anyways, so I don't know what I'm going to make this year. I told Oh you mean for the people For this guy here I'm not showing my secret family Fucking recipe of the best stuffing you're ever going to have Admit it most people's stuffing fucking sucks This stuffing that Bill makes Oh my god it's so delicious And I've never had good That's the only stuffing I've ever had that I even like Me too I.
I don't ever like stuffing. It's gross.
It's too wet. Or it has that bad aftertaste.
Yeah, this is nice and crispy and buttery. Oh, it's so good.
Yeah, like when you got that fucking barbecue the other night, you didn't like the cornbread? They put that weird ingredient in there? Oh, fumble. You so-and-so.

Read another question.

God damn it.

When the fuck did I become such a Packers fan?

There's just certain old NFL teams I like.

I actually like the Giants.

Can you fucking believe that after what they did to my Patriots twice?

One flew over the cuckoo's nest.

All right.

Hey there, old Billy Bibbit.

That's funny. Who's Bibbit? There's a character in one flew over the cuckoo's nest.
Oh, shit. What's his face downstairs there? An old friend of mine has gone so far down the rabbit hole of conspiracy theories that he really can't even function in society anymore.
Oh, that's relatable. Tell him to start telling he's he is unable to hold a conversation for two minutes without going off on some rambling horse shit about chemtrails freemasons aliens and all of that crap completely oblivious to the fact that none of us are interested in hearing about all that nonsense he reads on the internet it used to be funny

we were driving out west a few years back and he pointed out at some lights moving up in the sky and said those are the aliens that follow me around oh oh this sounds like a mental issue dude i said what does that sign on the right said he said airport next exit and i said yeah those are airplanes, you jackass. And he said, well, maybe some of them.
Wow. He goes, okay, it's been over a decade of that kind of shit, and it's gotten way, way worse.
Because of this obsession and the resulting paranoia, he can't even hold down a menial job, and all of his friends have abandoned ship. He's become addicted to painkillers.
I think he already had a mental issue, man.

Yeah, yeah, of course.

Has been in and out of rehab centers and hospitals

because of bizarre health problems

and is now bordering on full-blown schizophrenia.

That sucks.

Well, you don't get that from reading conspiracy theories, sir.

Yeah, you really kind of did a fucking bait and switch here

with this question.

That whole thing in the beginning was just like a red herring.

It turns out he's got serious mental problems. What's a red herring? It's just a distraction? Exactly.
It's something that you think is the cause of, you know, I'm not going to explain it right because I'm tired. Oh, I got to use that excuse sometimes.
When I use an expression, oh, Jesus, where's the fucking defense? My brain is mush.

Oh, Christ.

How many points does fucking Aaron Rodgers got to put up?

It's like Tom Brady.

Same thing.

How many fucking points does he got to score?

He's got no defense.

I want to respect his right to believe what he wants to believe.

But in the end, it has only caused him to lead an increasingly miserable and lonely life that will end in a tragedy and a sparsely attended funeral unless something changes soon. So how the fuck do you bring someone back from so far over the edge? Okay, well, he might be exaggerating a little bit.
Maybe he's using schizophrenia as like a fucking filler word there. Like, you know, this guy's a narcissist.
This guy's a sociopath. No, but this sounds like paranoid schizophrenia.
This is exactly what it is. Oh, Dr.
Hill, are you going to diagnose that on this fucking wonderfully written fucking email? Well, considering that I had, unfortunately, a member of my family who went through this exact thing, I do feel that I recognize it a little bit. Yes, as a matter of fact, I do.
Okay, but do you feel like that you can make that diagnosis as someone who is not a doctor? No, of course not. Is not a comedian? Is not even a podcaster, that you can, on a podcast, done by a comedian, as not a doctor, diagnose this person that you've never met based on this four-paragraph email.
You asked me to come in here, so I'm giving my opinion. I thought you were going to start a song.
You asked me to come here. Are you annoyed that that lady singing about all the ingredients You get annoyed when black shit goes Fucking mainstream and then white people ruin it Well I got peas, greens, tomatoes, potatoes That's you name it Yeah that thing You name it I swear to god If that's what my It had a nice little week long run before everyone else If that's what my church...
It had a nice little week long run before everyone else. If that's what my church was like, I would go every week if it was only a half hour long.
I just can't get into the fucking... I like the singing part in black churches, but even when the priest, regardless of race, when they get up there and they start saying that this invisible guy gives a shit about me that's i just i tap out i just can't listen to it anyway he wants you to have he jesus jesus won't you have that that second flat screen downstairs your friend needs professional help you're not gonna be i like joel oestein he's he's a very positive guy um well you know something he's been out there long enough'd think if there was a scandal, it would come out by now, right? Mm-hmm.
Your friend needs professional help. This is beyond your pay grade.
Jesus. Don't shit on the guy.
He might have just been being funny just because. No, no, no.
I'm not shitting on him. I'm saying that his friend needs help, and this is not anything that he is qualified to do.
That's a much nicer way of saying it's beyond your pay grade. Hey, buddy, go pick up your broom and keep sweeping up.
This is the job of people with lab coats. Hold on a second.
But what is he said? Like, I respect his right to believe what he wants to believe, but in the end, da, da, da, da. Yeah, I don't even think he necessarily maybe even believes it.
He's just got ... Yeah, he's become addicted to pain clears.
He's been in and out of rehab centers and hospitals because of bizarre health problems. Yeah, he is now bordering on full-blown schizophrenia.
Yeah, I think you just got to be there for him, but maybe just check in on him and say, hey, are you taking your meds? Are you going to see your doctor? That type of thing. But I don't think you're going to be able to help him with this.
This is beyond you. Is that what I just said? Yeah.
You know what's fucking cool as shit? The Redskins still have a band and they actually have a team song. I think that's fucking cool.

It's a professional level.

For some reason that all went away.

I hope our baby doesn't get your ADD.

Why?

It's worked great for me.

Has it?

Yeah.

Yeah, it has.

You name it.

I play drums, fly helicopters, tell jokes.

You name it. ADD is a fucking great thing to have.
It sucks with some shit, but it sucks when you're in school and you're going to do poorly in school and everyone's going to say you're fucking dumb. But when you get out in the world, man, it's fucking tremendous.
It's tremendous. I know.

I run around all day long.

You don't have it severely, though.

You are able to focus on things.

You even got the lab glasses on tonight.

Just fucking diagnosing everything.

How do you know what I have it as?

Remember when we tried to do that ADD questionnaire,

and you couldn't even pay attention long enough to answer the question yeah but part of that was because i was annoyed with it you want to revisit that real quick no do an oldie but goodie all right bill my kid is 14 years old 14 years old and he wants a drone for christmas the drone market is huge with kids these days when i was a kid we wanted to fly something for the sake of flying it. Now they all have cameras attached to them and they hover in a real creepy way.
He's not a punk, so he won't flip out if he doesn't get one. His friends have them, so it's not like he'd never use one.
If I did get him one, he's not the type of kid to fly it up to someone's window, so that's not the concern. I'm coming from a place like if i didn't want him to get an earring uh more of don't be that kid i might be overreacting but that's just something but there's just something about drones what do you think uh congrats on the condition uh thank you um i would say uh i agree with you no drones no drones with the cameras that's too much the shit the shit i would have fucking done i No drones.
No drones with the cameras.

That's too much.

The shit I would have fucking done.

I would have the hottest chick in the neighborhood.

I would have had it out there.

Yeah.

Hovering, hovering near her bathroom.

To be perfect.

Of course you would.

If he's not, then his friends are going to.

His friends are going to be like, let's just take it over here and just see.

And this is the thing.

You know that the person watching is jerking off if it immediately crashes. So kids are really using drones? Is that the hot gift this Christmas? Is a drone for a teenager? I mean, it's an amazing fucking thing.
It really is. I mean, i can't imagine like just flying over a neighborhood to see what your neighborhood looks like from the air or your house all of that would be cool but the the the possibilities the shit that you could do with those things uh in a with the juvenile brain i don't know i would be nervous one of the best things my parents did was they never let us play video games they never let us play it they just you're not getting that it's gonna fuck with your schoolwork you know what's funny is i still fucked up in school but the great thing is is i'm not a fucking 48 year old gamer you know like i just think that's that's really like uh i i you know i kind of judge that shit like after a, like, what are you doing? You know what I mean? Don't you want to go outside? Like the amount of time that people spend, you could learn a language, you could learn how to play an instrument.
I'm literally doing whatever your adult says. You could go out and do the things that I find interesting.
Fuck, if you're into video games, go ahead and play them. But I'm glad that I didn't because I waste enough time watching fucking sports.
I can't imagine. I've always said I tapped out after Grand Theft Auto 3.
It literally took over my life. I'm so sick of this fucking commercial where they show the Ford F-150 with the aluminum bed and it doesn't have any bed liner and they drop the fucking toolbox into it and then they show the Chevy with the steel one.
This is such bullshit advertising. What it really is is I bet the Ford gets better gas mileage because it has a lighter bed.
And then all you do is just put the same rubber guard that comes in all pickup trucks. What kind of a fucking asshole buys a pickup truck and you don't have the bed liner? Get the fuck out of here.
Fuck Chevy. Even though I like the Silverado.
All right. Thanksgiving debacle.

Oh, Billy Turkey legs. Don't get your kid a drone if you don't want them to have the drone.
You're the, you're the parent. All right.
Was that another ADD moment? Did I leave it there? I'm in a little debacle with my lady about Thanksgiving. I want my girl to come to my Thanksgiving, but it starts like only an hour before hers.

I'm in a little bit of a debacle, my lady, about Thanksgiving. I want my girl to come to my Thanksgiving, but it starts only an hour before hers.
But they are in the same town, mind you. Mine's at my aunt's house and hers is at her parents'.
Mine starts at 12. Hers starts at 1.30.
I want her to come to mine for a little bit before hers, but she's not having it

because she's got to help her mom cook.

Well, this is easy.

So you just say you'll be over there at fucking 130

and you're just going to make an appearance.

What, you're going to make it not see your family on Thanksgiving?

He said, on one hand, I'm super salty

and want to make a huge

deal about this because I really want her

there and I think she's being selfish. But on the other hand, I understand she's got to help her mom cook and stuff.
At least that's her excuse. I know she loves her family, but it really pisses me off because she's never been to my family's shit, but I've gone to plenty of hers.
Her defense is that she's never made me miss any of my family gatherings to go to hers, my family is a bunch of nut jobs and you get the point uh oh billy burnt dick i could use some words of wisdom i'm a huge fan thanks and go fuck yourself happy holidays huge fan well i mean this is all you're doing so you can undo all of this all right you know you just got to put your foot down just say listen i respect i understand you got to help your mother cook but you know i want to see my aunt my family on thanksgiving so i will go over there i'll be there over for an hour all right and then i'll be over here at 1 30 in time to eat and if she has a problem with that um just ask her why do you have a a problem with that? This is perfect. You don't have to come to my family of nut jobs, as you say.
Yeah, is she trying to get out of going to your families is what I'm wondering. Because most people feel like in the situation you just split it up so if she's got to go help her family cook you could go over there with her while they're doing that talk to the dad or the brothers whatever i don't know if they're going to be cooking or whatever spend that time the meal, and then the two of you then go

to your family's house for dessert and coffee and a movie or game night or whatever.

No, but his starts early.

His starts at 12.

His starts at 1.30.

So I'm saying, I tell, listen, you go over to your mom's house.

You cook.

I'm going over to my aunt's from 12 to 1.

I'll be back at 1.30.

You show up like, and then you show up at like 1.40. You know what I mean? You can't have spent like an hour though.
That's nothing. Because like the food isn't going on the table right at 12.
Everyone's going to like saunter in around 12.30, 12.45, sit down, then eat. I would take it.
He's going to be there for like two or three hours. This is what I would do.
I would say this is a deal. I'm going in there for an hour.
Then I'm going to go over to 1.30, right? 1.30, I'll be at your place. But next year, we're going to my family's.
I'm not going to never see my family on Thanksgiving again. Right.
I would never do that to you. Are you saying I can't see my family anymore on Thanksgiving? You just do that.
Or you should just go to his family's and just say, hey, text me when you guys are about to sit down because she's going to cook and do all this other stuff. So it's like, text me when you guys are about to sit down.
I'll let you know where I'm at with my dinner, and then I'll just come over there. And then what you need to do is say it totally calmly.
Do not trash her. Do not say anything insulting about her family.
Do not let her, and then when you stay calm, if she does that thing where she then tries to bait you into a fight, do not take the bait. Just ask her why she's reacting that way or just just stay calm.
Stay on target. Star Wars, right? You just you just make your points and that's it.
Yeah, that sounds reasonable. Well, there you you go so you like how great a movie was casablanca it was really nice i finally understood the fucking movie i always got confused i understood the love story but i i didn't quite understand you know unoccupied france and they're talking to like nazi germany and shit it's just like they're taking over your country and it's just like i guess guess they hadn't, their power hadn't gotten to that point because it was like Italian soldiers there, there were German soldiers, and there was fucking these German Nazi guys.
I don't know. I'll have to watch it again.
I'll maybe read a little bit of fucking history, but I actually understood the love story this time. It was fucking great.
How beautiful was that woman too, huh? Yeah, she's beautiful.

Yeah, she was like modern day beautiful too.

A lot of them back then

are back then beautiful.

You know what I mean?

Like, hey, what do you say there,

fucking Ellis Island?

Yeah, no, she's a classic.

Ah, there she goes.

There you go.

Sleeping like a damn dog lately.

Oh my God, yes.

Because of your condition.

Because of my condition. Makes me very tired.
I think you're being a jerk about it, personally. I think you're being a jerk about it.
I'm not. Why does my fucking leg hurt? Oh my God, I'm going to end like those fucking people in the orchestra pit.
Just fucking, see that one guy who was like 55, just sitting there. He looked like he just fell off a motorcycle.
Anyways, well, I you had a good time I hope you enjoyed it because I'm watching all the rest of the football Sundays From here on out As I empty the liquor cabinet So is that our last Sunday out? Is that what you're saying? No, I would like to do that I've been looking up museums and shit on the down low, trying to understand art. Really? Because I never understood it.
I find that I like, I forget what period it is. It's the Van Gogh and the period after Van Gogh.
I like that shit. Okay.
That's cool. I like that.
The abstract, I'm starting to understand that. Well, you don't need lines.
You have colors to suggest moods. It's like, all right.
Look at you. It kind of looks like a five-year-old.
It's always going to look like a five-year-old did it. Do you like modern art, do you think? Or do you like the more old classic stuff? Like the Van Gogh versus the Jeff Koons.
I don't know who Jeff Koons is. Andy Warhol.
Andy Warhol was the original hipster and is brutally, brutally fucking overrated. Ooh, hot take.
And was not a nice person. What about Basquiat? Did you like Basquiat? I like Basquiat.
Is that the dude who looks like Savion Glover, but he painted? Savion Glover. Wow.
Oh, my God. Haven't heard that name in a while.
Yes. He sort of like the weekend before he cut his hair, he was doing like an homage to Basquiat.
Yes. Oh, it was.
All right. That's Jean-Michel Basquiat.
That's the most modern person I listen to. Yeah.
The weekend. To the point I pre-ordered his next album.
I know. I love it.
And I got the first two songs. I want to hear it it we should listen to it after this absolutely as i fall asleep because of my condition how far are we talking about my condition not that much right what do you mean like we're not going to get into all like all specifics no we're not i'm doing something's got yeah the sex and all that yeah what it is yeah pictures no none of that shit okay it's just like the kitchen you're just gonna know it got redone just know that's it i share i share enough but there's too many fucking weirdos on the fucking internet i don't i do not understand people that post pictures of their children uh you know because you get excited with your fucking home address right above your fucking head for the for the family.
Because they're so cute and you just want to show off.

But I definitely understand why we will not be doing that.

All right.

This is probably a conversation that should have happened off of the podcast.

All right.

You fucking cool one.

Bill.

What the fuck did I do to my leg? I just laid down and I feel like I hyper extended my knee I can't stop my leg Who is that? That comedian I can't stop my leg What's his name? You always bring him up Richard No Oh Robert. Oh, Robert Klein.
Robert Klein.

Robert Klein.

I can't stop my leg.

Very good.

Look at you.

See, I went saving Glover.

Then you hit me back white style.

Little Robert Klein.

All right.

That's the podcast for this week.

Go fuck yourselves.

Have a wonderful Thanksgiving.

I will be checking in on you on Thanksgiving.

No, you will not.

Yes, I will.

No, you will not. Listen, we're going to eat at 1.30.
I'm going to do a podcast at 12 at my parents' house. You can't take Thanksgiving off.
People will understand. Nia, I believe your people said money never sleeps.
24-7. What is some of that stupid shit? They sleep, we grind.
Yeah, all that dumb shit. Like Bill Gates isn't doing that.
You're going to do a podcast on Thanksgiving. What is wrong with you? Well, maybe you'll do it the day before Thanksgiving.
That's a big pet peeve of mine. When performers talk about how fucking hard they work, they take those pictures of them where they've got their head down like they're fucking exhausted.

And then they just have these fucking self-imposed compliments.

A lot of people would stop.

I feel like I'm just beginning.

But that's essentially what you're doing if you're going to be working on Thanksgiving.

No, I'm not.

No, that was a really weak way to try to manipulate it back.

Yeah, I'm going to do it. So if you want to have the argument now, because I'm going to do it.
No, I'm not. No, that was a really weak way to try to manipulate it back.
Yeah, I'm going to do it.

So if you want to have the argument now, because I'm going to do it.

No, I'm too tired.

There you go.

Go to sleep.

Seriously, you're putting on a lot of weight.

Oh, my God.

I'm not attracted to you right now.

I just don't understand what it is.

That's not true.

Don't say that.

Yeah.

You just told me I look beautiful. You do look beautiful.
You still look great. You're all fucking baby.
I'm all belly. You're all belly.
So anyways. All right.
I'm, I don't know. I'm going to figure out how to make a fucking pan into a griddle and make myself something.
Because I'm an adult and I can't fucking have a griddle. I'm sure you'll figure it out.
No, I'm getting that griddle. I'm getting rid of those fucking tables out there.
There's too many fucking tables. Huh? What did we have in the last supper? Huh? Is Jesus coming back right in our back fucking yard? That long-winded douche is going to sit there and tell him, I fucking did this for you.
I did that. Are you trashing Jesus? Are you trashing Jesus? No, Yeezy.
Yeezy. Is that what Kanye goes by? Yes.
Easy. Hey, radio.
Fuck you. Fuck you, man.
I want to get that big. I'm just yelling at a fucking...
What would you call that? What is radio? A form of communication? Yeah. Yeah.
Just yell at a form of communication and then cancel a show at the fucking Magic Johnson's house. Hey, Internet.
Fuck you, Internet. Fuck you, Internet.
Hey, 10K on a string. Fuck you.
Fuck you, ham radio. Yeah.
We get it. Kevin Hart's funny, but so's...
Oh, who's that kid i saw in fucking the new def jam first of all tony rock crushing it as a host uh tony rock's a fucking star by the way i remember years ago when he had a sketch show the guy fucking pops he pops on tv robert uh i forget his last name you tweet no not tony not tony roberts tony roberts i've known the day. No, the name of the comic that you liked.
You tweeted about him. His name is Robert something.
Oh, yeah. He was fucking hilarious.
Fucking hilarious and didn't give a shit if the crowd liked him. He had the fucking Luther Vandross joke.
Oh, my God. Yeah, I don't want to ruin it.
But, yeah, just definitely check that out because that's how funny that show is. That show is back in a big way, it was great to see Tony Rock getting that gig.
Definitely deserving. Ending on a positive note.
That's right. Go fuck yourselves.
I will talk to you on Thanksgiving and that stomping you hear in the background will be near. Unapprovingly.
Supposed to be making stuffing. Go fuck yourselves.
Have a great week, oh, dude, Wednesday night, the greatest fucking night ever. If you're a young man, right? You go back to your hometown.
What's his face? The thrill ride. The thrill ride did a great rant on that.
Who? The thrill ride. The one man fucking.
Oh, yeah, that guy. I mean, that guy.
That guy should be in the WWE. He's one of the best people on the fucking mic.
I forgot about him.

Yeah, he fucking said that that's the night you go back and all the women you went to high school with

that you weren't afraid to talk to.

Now you come back, you got your little man mustache.

You make something happen.

The night before Thanksgiving?

The night before Thanksgiving.

That's what you make it happen?

That's right.

Okay.

I love Thanksgiving.

You know what I love about Thanksgiving?

If we just rub it in the fucking England, England's face, you know, take that. Right.
What? No, there's a lot of people in this country that think it has to do something with our independence with England. Yeah.
And one of my, well, that's one of my favorite things to do is I say that to fucking, uh, London ears and shit. Um, Oh fuck.
You know what I forgot to bring up there's a i gotta do another benefit uh speaking of that um a buddy of mine who did stand up when i started out and then moved on to writing uh pete cummin uh such a great guy unfortunately uh passed away oh god a couple weeks ago it was an absolute. He's like a fucking year older than me, was in great health, and just had a heart attack, unfortunately.
So we're going to be doing a benefit at the Laugh Factory on December 6th. Tickets will be going on sale soon.
I should probably know by Thanksgiving, but he's got two beautiful twin boys, only 10 years old, and the great thing's going to be, you know what's so great was Jamie Masada put his name up on the marquee, I'll never forget that he did that, that was such a great thing that he did that, because Pete hasn't done stand-up in a number of years, it was great that Jamie remembered him, he's a great guy, Jamie Masada, he remembered him, he put his name up there, And so there's a bunch of Boston guys I haven't seen. We're all going to be on the same fucking show.
And I'm trying to think like the last time we all worked together like that was probably the fucking Kowloon about 20 years ago. So it's going to be a good reunion.
We're all going to be telling great stories about Pete Cummins. So yeah, it's going to be December 6th and I'll get you guys that link as soon as I get it.
If you're in town, you'd like to have a laugh. It's a great cause.
All right, that's it there. Fuckos.
Have a nice Thanksgiving. What's up everybody.
Welcome back to the anything better podcast show NFL edition going into what is it? Week number 12 with your hosts, Paul Verzi over here, Bill Burr over there. Of course, we have Jake the Snake from his undisclosed place with his injury reports.
And we got the Greek freak, the Beverly Hills kid, Andrew Themless. We are all here for week 12, guys.
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There you go. Um, dude, I got to start the show by talking about my New York football Giants and Daniel Jones.
Daniel Jones was a

most I got to start the show by talking about my New York football giants and Daniel Jones. Daniel Jones was emotional yesterday because all of the major teammates backed him and said that this was a weak move by the Giants.
They think maybe the Giants are trying to get the traffic. And then Daniel Jones walked into John Mara's office 20 minutes ago.
This is hot off the press. And he said, guys, they made him not the second string.
They made him the third string. And then yesterday they had him playing safety as like a dummy, like just being a safety.
And he walked in today and he said, guys, do me a favor and please release me. And and apparently release me.
Let me go. And he walked in with a gun to his head and says, guys, it's you or me.
No, he... I don't want to play for the Giants anymore.
So, and I believe they obliged. I believe the Maras and them wished him well and said goodbye.
So Daniel Jones is done. Paul, what did I say? I got to give you credit.
I meant to do that today. You called it.
I was wrong. I held on to it because of that good season he had.
And then he fucking had happy feet because whatever it was, dude, you were right. So, yeah, I didn't say that, you know, he shouldn't be a quarterback.
I just said that's an awful lot of money in an awful long time. Who the fuck's going to pick up that contract? And to not give Saquon Barkley money, but to give him money, and now watch Saquon Barkley be an MVP candidate with the Philadelphia Eagles.
Let's give a slow white guy from Duke a whole bunch of money, and let's give a fucking Jack Black dude no money. Come on, Paul.

What's that looking like?

If we did that in Boston, Paul, what would the story be?

What would the story be?

Oh, it hurts.

Oh, it hurts.

It's like watching your girlfriend go down on somebody.

Just like, oh.

And they hold your head to watch it.

Wait, what?

Jesus. You went big air on that one.
He's still alive. He's still breathing, Frankie.
He's still breathing. That's the worst.
I will say this to this day. To this day, is there a more uncomfortable scene in any movie than when he...
I didn't watch Casino. I saw Casino in the movie theaters.
I didn't watch it again for 10 years because of that scene. One of the most disturbing scenes I've ever seen.
He's still breathing, Frankie. Frank.
Oh, anyway. Oh, by the way, Paul, what about last week? The Lions lay in 14 and a half, won like 55.
Yeah. Old school Paul Berzy would have texted me bloodbath over like 58 times during that game.

Paul, Paul, I got one for you.

Yeah. Two fucking things

I'm fucking over right now. Beautiful women

and nerds. Opposite ends

of the spectrum. You're done with both

of them. Done with both of them.
I hate

the classic fucking beautiful woman in the front

row. Nothing

you can say to her as long as she's getting the

attention. Every fucking thing I was

saying, she, you know, just like

you know, like those straight women that love

I'll be... row.
Nothing you can say to her as long as she's getting the attention. Every fucking thing I was saying, she, you know, just like, I go, you know, like those straight women that love the gays.
I love the gays. I love the gays.
Oh, no, but I love the gays. I do love the gays.
I love the gays. And then, yeah, I go, will you shut up and be like, oh, I hate that shit, doing the cutesy fucking thing.
It's just like, you know, and it was like, you used to be pretty. Now you're just annoying.
That's the thing about beautiful women. When they're young, they're beautiful.
When they get older, they just get annoying. Because all of us men put up with that fucking behavior because they're going to keep it happy.
Maybe it'll fuck me. And then we raise them.
Yeah. Okay? Men raise beautiful women to be fucking annoying assholes

at comedy shows.

You know what's a good one?

Just go sleep.

And then nerds fall.

Nerds.

I got to get the nerds.

They ruin the fucking world.

Okay, get the nerd thing out.

Go ahead, go ahead.

Yeah, nerds are ruining

the fucking world.

All these years,

they said it was going to be

the frat boy date rapist.

It wasn't.

All right?

They individually ruin lives.

Nerds ruin the fucking world.

Alright, let's go.

That's my theory.

Alright, I got my glasses on, Paul. I got my

glasses so I can see my glasses. You know what you say to that girl?

You know what you say to that woman? Sweetie,

sweetie, you're an alcoholic.

You can't hold your liquor. You're an alcoholic.

Paul, he loves it. You're talking to her.

The whole show stops and you're talking to her.

Then you look at the guy and go, how do you

fuck this annoying thing?

Then it's a whole different thing. Then he has to do

Thank you. Paul, he loves it.
You're talking to her. The whole show stops and you're talking to her.
Then you look at the guy and go, how do you fuck this annoying thing? Then it's a whole different thing. Then he has to do something.
No, I ended up shaking his hand. I said, don't fucking blame him for this on the ride home.
This was you and me. This was you and me.
Oh, fucking awful. I did this great gig in Modesto, California.
Paul, I'm going to the people on this one i like all right oh hi bakersfield modesto uh where am i uh stockton and then the one that begins with v i can't remember visseleo or whatever the fuck it is doing all these fox and warner theaters on the way up here and by the way paul mega texas barbecue in fresno california if you don't do if you don't fucking go there and get yourself a Texas Twinkie and some fucking pulled pork and brisket, I swear to God, it's going to affect our friendship. That's how good it is.
But what's a Texas Twinkie burrito? Dude, it's a stuffed jalapeno. They put they put brisket, green cheese in there and then they triple wrap it with this bacon and put their fucking sauce on top.
Sweet. You got the heat.
It's just like you want to go outside and tell somebody about it after each bite. Dude, I got to tell you something.
I think I told you this. Last year is the first year that I discovered bagel and lox.
Because I never did that. I never, because I like raw sushi.
You have issues with the juice. I get it, Paul.
No, but like, you know, nobody ever said, you know, nobody. How the fuck do you live in New York? You never tried bagels and lox.
It's amazing. No, because you know what it is.
I tried smoked salmon once and didn't like it and I liked the sushi grade of it. And then all of a sudden, dude, I got one and the capers and everything was so delicious and I'm going, what? Did you just say sushi grade? Like sushi type of salmon.
Paul, don't get listen, don't get fucking self-conscious here. I said sushi grade.
Paul, you have elevated yourself. Yeah.
Wait. Are you becoming refined? The way that just rolls up your tongue.
Yeah. Paul, I've known you almost 20 years.
If I was on a game show and it had a bunch of shit that you could have possibly said, sushi grade? Never would have thought that. That's fucking amazing.
Oh, thank you. I tip my cap to you, my kind sir.
I love that you're sitting there in a hoodie talking about the Giants and then you bust out sushi grade salmon. Yeah.
So anyway, but what I don't like sometimes is the bagel is really filling. Right.
So I'm in I'm in Austin, Texas. And this guy goes, dude, one of my favorite places is around the corner.
It's called Cafe Crepe. And he goes, they got great crepes, but they also have great breakfast.
And I'm like, perfect. I'll go to there before I go to the podcast, before I go to the airport.
And I go to this crepe place and I'm looking and I see a picture on the menu of this crepe with all the smoked salmon, a little layer of cream cheese and capers. So I call the lady over and she goes, oh, that's our number one seller.
So I go, I love it. So get it, dude.
It was it. I, I bid, I was alone and I go, I looked around.
I got, I can't believe I was by myself. I can't believe it.
I just, I said, I can't believe it out loud. And the lady goes, it's good.
Right. I go, this is incredible, man.
And it was less filling than the bagel. And it was amazing, dude.

It was amazing. Oh, so you just got the locks.

You didn't get a cream cheese bagel.

You didn't get bagel and locks.

You just got the locks.

No, no, no.

It was a crepe with cream cheese.

Oh, crepe.

Oh, my God.

It was a crepe with the cream cheese layer on it, capers, and the locks.

So it was everything that you get bagel and locks, but just on a crepe.

Dude.

That sounds amazing. That's it.
Over. Oh, Paul Verzi.
Over. Over.
That sounds amazing. It was fucking fantastic, man.
And then I got home and, yeah, off to – dude, I don't even know what happened in November. Well, I got to give another shout-out, Paul.
Yeah. That's turning into a couple of fucking foodies out here.
Um, I went to this

breakfast place. I got to get it here.
I got it in my places to go app, Paul, not app. Uh, uh, Oh my God.
I don't know if I'm gonna say L I B E L U L A liberalula for breakfast right next to the Crest Theater in Fresno.

Got fucking three fried eggs on some kimchi and like one of those tortilla shells with fucking avocado on top, dude. It was fucking insane.
Had the whole, the yolk and then they had the heat thing going there, Paul. Paul, I'm telling you, these mom and pop places, it's the way to go.
All of these fucking fat fucks

with their man tits going to the chain restaurants.

Listen,

here's the thing. You want to change America.

Okay? You don't do it

in the voter booth. You go to mom and pop stores.

We got to get on the same page here.

We got to support each other because

they're not doing it for us. I'm telling you, Paul,

going up to 99 here,

the Central Valley of California,

one of the most depressing things I've ever done.

Great people. The cities are great but in between you look at the farms and these corporate farms and you look at how these people are fucking living i'm telling you they're straight up fucking evil dude they're straight up fucking evil these fucking cunts at the top taking all the money and not paying anybody and not wanting to pay anybody and keep coming up with these excuses and blaming immigrants and all of this shit.
It's like it's like, no, it's you. It's you fucking nerds with your pen and pencils.
All right, Paul, let's talk football. I got a question for you, though, real quick before we get into this.
Where do you stand with avocado? Look, where do I stand with it? Yeah, I got my fucking arm around it saying, what did you fucking say to this avocado? Oh, you love him. You got an avocado's back.
Well, I will, I will, I eat one fucking plain. It's a great source.
It's a great source of what they call it, that fat that you need. The fat that you need.
It's fucking fantastic. The trans fat? Not the trans fat.
That's the shit in McDonald's. You're just a city kid.
You you hear trans transportation you just fucking think this is a good thing there's a lot of transgender i just transmission there's a lot out there which not the trends that makes you lose your career the other trends no uh i heard i i i do like avocado on some things but i don't like it near my eggs that's it i don't like my eggs gotta be you know kind of separate i feel like but i get that it's two mushy things you don't want them together yeah it's a different taste but uh no an avocado you don't like mushy shit you don't like avocado you don't like corn you don't like peas you don't like that shit corn and peas i don't know why they're on earth i don't like corn, you don't like peas, you don't like that shit.

Corn and peas,

I don't know why they're on Earth.

I don't know why they're on Earth.

Corn and the cob in August with fucking butter, salt, and pepper on it. If you don't like that,

Paul, I'll finish the corn and cob

and I'll stab you with the fucking stock.

Hey, what a way

to go, okay?

Oh, he's still breathing. He's still breathing.
That thing over here. Paul, I gotta tell you something.
Yeah, I gotta find a line. He's getting me a fucking whatever, some sort of meat, and I got mashed potatoes with peas right next to them.
My Scottish, Irish, English blood goes through the fucking roof. It's delicious.
It's amazing, Paul, how I can cross the street. Okay.
Into your Italian neighborhood. Well, I mean, it's Italian food.
That's not a fair comparison. I was going to say, I enjoy your cuisine.
It's like, well, you know, it's the fucking best on earth. Hey.
Would you say this? The Japanese are the Italians of Asia. I would say this.
Japanese is second of all time of food. I say Italian-Japanese cuisine is one and two.
Japanese are also the white people of Asia, if you've read your history. Is that right? Let's just say they have a high sense of self, and I'll leave it at that.
I'm better than you. Ever see that? You ever that on the Simpsons, that little kid singing the song about his rich dad? That's great.
He's singing his whole song about how much money his dad has. He goes, my dad can buy and sell.
Yeah, I'm better than you. Andrew, Andrew, can you send me the lines again to my text, please? Because I can't find them.
I believe I go first this week. Paul, I think you should go first every week, the fucking display you're putting on.
Why ruin what it is that you're doing? Let's – Why put the number nine hitter in front of the guy batting cleanup? That's what I say. Oh, here's one that I'm going to give for the show.
By the way, I got a lot of, thank you, Andrew. I got a lot of people reaching out saying this is by far the best sports show because we mix humor with it.
And there were like, we, uh, a lot of people saying, I don't watch football and you guys made me watch it and understand it. I also heard a guy saying you're making me money, but I got to put this out there on the show.
I had a guy tell me, you know, he watched his show and he came out of the closet. I mean, we're just doing all kinds of things here, Paul.
Dude, you know what? Anything better. I use a different bathroom, okay? No, I was going to say, I said something on Twitter yesterday.
I will say it on here since we are a sports leaning show. Juan Soto will not go to the Yankees I'm gonna say that my prediction is the reason why Juan Soto won't go to the Yankees even if the Yankees match a 700 million dollar thing like the Mets are gonna try to do or the Dodgers gonna try to do the reason why Juan Soto and this is just a prediction will not go I will not stay with the Yankees is because I don't believe Juan Soto wants to be a place where Aaron Judge is really the man and the captain and it's his team.

Speaking for everybody who isn't a Yankee fan, who the fuck is Juan Soto?

What do you mean?

I'm just saying, he's fucking acting like he's the lead singer on that team.

He's not.

Right.

You're the rhythm guitarist. And he wants Aaron Judge.
Yeah, that's right. It's fucking Cecil Cooper.
It's Bob Watson. Sorry, interrupted as always.
No, no, no. I think that Aaron Judge being the captain and the Yankee guy, Juan Soto wants to be that somewhere else.
I don't think he liked playing second fiddle to him, and that's my prediction, even if the Yankees match the price. You heard it here on Anything Better.
Let's go. Here's my question, Paul.
How fucking, if that's true, how dumb a mindset is that? I mean, I could be wrong, but I think it's dumb. I think we got to win.
You got to win. Dude, him and Judge could win.
First of all, who the fuck can't play second fiddle to Paul Bunyan? The guy's nine feet tall, massive muscle. He's like a Mickey Mantle stacked on top of Mickey Mantle.
I'm not saying with the stats. Relax, old school Yankee fans.
I'm just saying, it's his fucking team. Yeah.
I do like how he fucking stares at the pitcher. No, he's a great batter, but he's an average fielder.
No, but Paul, the way he takes the pitcher out of his game. It is great.
Because he makes you mad. Because all you want to do is throw the fucking ball right here, and that's going to put him on him on base it's fucking genius i don't know why more guys don't do that dude you realize how amazing baseball would be if every hitter went up there and just had absolutely no fear of getting beaned in the head and just tried to fucking troll the pitcher i'd i was fucking watching the playoffs like i was getting upset watching him i'm i'm always like going like this pitcher's not afraid of you, you fucking asshole.
And then I realized, oh, my God, this is why he does this. This is amazing.
And then I immediately became a huge fan of his. Dude, here's how good the Dodgers were.
Otani was like two for 18, did nothing because he was injured, and they fucking still beat us. That's how good that team is.
Well, Paul, you know, when you spend over $300 million, I mean, but you guys were up there too i can't i haven't looked at uh team salaries in a long time like i remember if you had a 200 million that was it oh fucking yeah 200 million dollar team it's like you guys are you're not even littered with free agents and you're over 300 like how much fucking money are they these guys making dude the dodgers spent a billion on two guys. The two Japanese

guys, they spent a billion. One was $700,

one was $500. Right, Jake?

Is that right?

Alright, let's get into this here. Yeah, over the course of their

career, they're going to pay them a billion dollars.

Yeah, it's over their career. A billion dollars

over their career, but still, that's two fucking guys.

Alright, let's... I mean, that could pay for a week in

Iraq, Paul. I mean, this is fucking crazy.
What are we

doing?

All right.

All right.

Week number 12.

My first pick.

Is it my first pick?

Did Bill go first last week?

Oh, what do we got injury report-wise, Jake the Snake?

The biggest ones are coming from San Francisco.

Nick Bosa, he got hurt last week.

He came out of the game. He's been fucking held.
He's been held for two years. I finally caught up with him.
He's got neck burned from his jersey getting yanked like this. So he might not play, but they're getting George Kittle back.
And Brock Purdy is also questionable, but it sounds like he's going to be out there. My buddy who drives me to the airport, he's a big Niners fan, dude.
It's over for them. I hate to say it, but they're tired.
Three Super Bowls in the last four or five years, and they're breaking down. McCaffrey's hurt.
I heard one analyst go, dude, the Niners are just exhausted, and they are. I hate to say it, but they're finished for a while, I think.
Hey, Paul, guess what? I'm tired too, you know, but I'm showing up for the podcast. Yeah, you don't fucking stop.
I have a wife. You don't think I'm being held back? Huh? Thank you, Jack.
No, that guy. There's always that guy.
Yeah, he said, I got kids, too. I'm fucking tired.
Comparing doing

a podcast to playing professional football.

Hey, well, guess

what? You got a job, you know?

You think I want to get up every morning

and put my pants on one leg at a time?

I fought for this

country, so guys like

you can play football.

They're going to get it.

They're going to get it.

You fought for this country. You didn't serve.
I was in the Cubs counts. Look, a uniform is a uniform.
I take that discipline with me to work every day. His wife's complaining, my wife's complaining.
You think I don't know my wife's fucking the neighbor?

Because I do.

I'm going to toughen out this holiday season

and not bring it up until after New Year's.

Oh, shit, dude. I'm crying.

Oh,

the guy that compares is one of my

it's one of the fun. He's got kids.

I don't got kids. You know that guy? I don't got kids.

I'll tell you a story. I'll tell you a story.
Guy working for the Brooklyn Fire Department goes up a ladder. There's a cat in a tree.
All right. I think.
Indignant. Whatever the fuck that is.
Why is my face so fucking red? No, you look good. You look healthy.
I look fucking pale. I don't know what's going on with this fucking light.
Oh, dude, you know what we're doing? Paul, you look like the mozzarella. We're going to knock a wall down over here.
I'm going to make a bigger office. All right, let's get into this.
Paul, why don't you just fucking have a yard sale? You know that guy too? Paul, have a yard sale. Don't knock down the wall in your fucking house.
Why are you going to knock a wall down? No, no, just a closet wall. Right here is a closet that we don't use.
So they're just going to make shoes. Yeah.
You know the guy... Paulie, where you put your shoes, you don't have a closet.
You know the guy that... Remember that in every mob movie? Paulie, wait, wait.
Paulie, let's think about this. What if you got your whole future ahead of you? You take that closet closet Where are you going to put your shoes Pauly think about your mother What is this going to do to your mother You take out the closet Come on sit down have a cuddle Sit down have a cuddle Pauly you're breaking my heart As you walk away You You're breaking my heart.
You know what I like?

I like the guy that points to shit in his house that he did.

Yeah, you see up there?

No, no, we were going to – we lowered it.

You know what I mean?

He goes like this.

He goes, no, we lowered it.

We're going to keep – I'm telling you, for the ventilation.

He's catching you right in the middle of a bike.

And then he knows that he's losing it, so he puts that hand on your shoulder. Come on.
Start guiding you around his fucking house. You meet Bill yet? You meet Bill? He's fucking...
The point that he did shit, guys, is my favorite. You could give a my favorite you could give a fuck you could give a fuck no the ventilation wasn't coming through over there there was a we there was like a little air and then you're like yeah all right man it's great you changed some shit i i would have noticed it looks original to the house uh okay here we go week number dude i'm crying this is a great one All right, here we go.
My first pick this week, I have not really looked at these guys, but, uh, oh my God, that's a big line for the commanders, dude. Why are the commanders 10 and a half over the Cowboys? That's a big one.
Um, they have my third cousin under center.

It's on the back of his jersey.

It says, who the fuck is that?

No, wait a minute.

Is that that kid from the long horse?

Jake the snake.

Who's on the center for the... Nobody's on the center.

They're all in shotgun.

Who's taking a long look at the center's ass this week

for the Cowboys?

They got this guy, Cooper Rush, back there. Rush.
Yeah, he's a – I like that. It's a cool name.
All right, my first pick, guys. I'm going to go with the theme I said.
I love, by the way, the 49ers. I met a bunch of them, the great people.
I think it's kind of coming to an end for a little bit. I'm going to take the Green Bay Packers at Lambeau Field minus three.
I think that they're a great team, and I think they're playing a team that's a little beaten up and tired. I like that it's only three, and I like that the Packers are at home.
Jordan Love, everybody over there seems healthy. Packers minus three at home against the reeling San Francisco 49ers.
All right. I'm going to take the Arizona Cardinals minus one going into Seattle because Seattle keeps winning.
And who the fuck do they think they are, Paul? Who do they think they are? They think they're just going to win out the rest of the year. They think you're going to play a division rivalry.
Kyler Murray running around like a fucking water bug. I don't think so.
I think he goes in there. He bangs some white chick in the, and then he goes and he beats the Seahawks.
That's what I'm saying. Did you see Kyler Murray at Joe's Pizza by the Comedy Cellar the other day in that video? Oh, dude.
What is our bet? What's our bet? We have a Kyler Murray bet. We do? We do.
What is it? Well, I can't say it because he's going to see and then get inspired oh yes oh yeah no you're right you're 100 yeah we just gotta say because who gives a fuck no yeah i said at some point he's gonna have a weight issue yeah i agree something about his face he was eating the pizza. He just looks like he goes to Daily Donuts to me.

I don't know why, but he's still in shape.

But there's something about his face.

It just says in the future.

He's going to have a happy offseason.

He does.

But I will say this.

I thought Carmelo Anthony was too.

And Carmelo Anthony is like five, six years removed from the NBA.

And he's fucking nice and thin still. So works out he's holding it together good um ladies man paul you know he knows what he's doing he smokes cigars i think smoking the cigars you know curbs the appetite yes yeah no kyler murray was at joe's pizza and it says this guy doesn't know that he's standing next to kyler murray and kyler murray's got just a hat on and like a jean jacket totally looked like a civilian and he's eating pizza and there's a guy next to him and he goes what's your name man and the guy says oh i'm sharana whatever the guy was from sweden and he goes what's your name and he goes i'm kyler and he's like what kind of pizza did you get they're just eating it hammering it and stuff and uh dude he's little dude he's like five he's regular people's size dude he's like drew breeze drew breeze was 5 10 he's like five.
He's regular people's size. Dude, he's like Drew Brees.
Drew Brees was 5'10". He's like...
Dude, Drew Brees was like your size, Bill. And he's an MVP Super Bowl champion.
Oh, I know. Kyler Murray has a clothing line at the Gap.
Gap kids. Yeah.
Okay. That's...
What did you pick, Bill? You picked the – I picked the fucking Cardinals, Paul.

Okay.

You know why, Paul?

Because I realized it's my life, you know, and I'm not going to be silent anymore.

That's the woman version of the guy going, you know, I put my pants on every day.

I'm going to take the Kansas City Chiefs minus –

I realize the gap in that last thing just bombed.

Go ahead.

I'm not that delusional.

Yeah, but nope.

I'm looking at lines.

Nobody's Jake goes, that was funny.

No, I'm looking at lines.

I'm going to take the chiefs minus 11 after a loss.

Hey Paul, why don't you take everything that I want? You know, you selfish bastard. I didn't know.
What are you trying to do? That was the classic kid from divorce. Like, it's such a ridiculous thing to accuse you of.
You still apologize. I didn't know.
Because of my dad. Because of my dad, man.
Yeah, look, they're playing the Panthers, and they're coming off a loss. I mean, 11's a lot, though, but we'll see.
Hey, I'm going to take the New England Patriots plus seven and a half with Drew Locke. I don't know.
Is that the name of our quarter? Drake May. Sorry.
Drake May. Drew Locke.
Where the fuck did I take that? Drake May. Oh.
Billy, no sleep. I'll take the Patriots, seven and a half, going down to Miami.
You know? Maybe somebody scores an eight ball, they get a little more amped up on fucking defense, and they take it to a tag, to two of a deba-daba, and we fucking cover. Should I do it to be a little fun? I'm going to do it to be a little fun.
I'm going to take the New York football giants, Tommy DeVito, getting six at home against the Buccaneers. Let's see what happens.
I'm not going to fucking say anything, but I swear to God, if I got to fucking deal with the fucking, oh, my God, a third-string quarterback is in the Giants, let's make this a national fucking story because anything that happens in New York is so good. He fucking likes covets.
He likes them this way. He likes them now.
Look at his fucking uncle dressed like he's in The Godfather. Yeah.
Yep. Oh, my God.
Yep. Anyway, whatever.
Whatever. I'm going to go.
I'm going to take the Ravens. Minus three Monday night because who the fuck do the Chargers think they are, Paul? They think he gets going to go around slapping around the Bengals.
And then next week, the Ravens aren't going to come in and bring you back down to earth and remind you you only get one of two things, perfect weather or a good football team. Yeah.
I like it. Paul, you're fucking killing me this week because you haven't looked at the lines.
I'm doing jokes. You're giving me nothing.
Oh, I'm sorry, dude. You know what I feel like right now? I feel like a coach that lost the team.
That's what I feel like. I lost the locker room.
I'm talking. They're looking down.
They're reading shit. And it's not paying attention.
They lost the team. Speaking of which, I haven't watched a second of hockey, but my Bruins have been playing so bad, we already got rid of our coach before Thanksgiving, Paul.
It's pretty early.

Whoa.

Well, I mean, Paul, they haven't even put the Christmas lights up yet.

Okay?

I mean, it's a, what is it, a month old season?

Not even?

Well, the ice was still slushy.

Oh, my God.

And this guy got fired.

Nobody's even caught a cold yet, Paul.

And this guy got fired.

No, he did something to somebody.

He said something rude to somebody's wife. No, no, he lost the locker room.

That quickly? That quickly. It happened very quickly.
That's a tough one. Hey, Paul.
It's going to be, you know, they're going to be playing Silent Night on Thanksgiving Day. All right? I got to.
Sorry, I'm just in a stupid mood. Dude, Angelo Lozado, rest his soul.
Me and him were on a podcast years ago, and we were talking about how the Knicks fired their coach, and we were crying, laughing, going, you're looking for him in the bathroom? And he goes, yo, Mike. He goes, they're asking for you.
He goes, who's asking for you go who's asking yo who's asking dude we were crying you know the worst thing about getting fired at that level is the amount of people that know it before you do you sense it and then people just start acting weird in the in the halls as you walk but it's gotta it's just gotta be but i don't know but But, you know, going back to the Jets, back to the Jets, can I say goodbye to the team? You get your shit! You get the fuck out! You just took the words out of my mouth. Not letting you address your guys is...
I mean, they walked him to the car, they said. Yeah, like holding his fucking arm.
Guys, I know we didn't make the playoffs. It wasn't that bad.
We sold a lot of merch. We sold a lot of merch.
Oh, shit. This isn't my car.
Let me talk to Aaron. Let me just talk to Aaron.
Aaron Rodgers. You tell that thin-faced cunt.
He's the reason why I'm out here right now.

I hope he has a good holiday.

I took the vaccine.

I took the vaccine.

I got it twice.

I got it twice. I got the booster.
I got it twice.

I got the booster.

I got the booster.

Oh, shit.

My wife made a move on me.

It said react.

I blame Monsanto.

I blame Monsanto.

All right.

Sorry.

Oh, God.

If this isn't what I'm going to do.

He doesn't have to take it, but I do.

All right.

He's trying to lower the window yelling as he's leaving.

Oh, shit.

You suck before I got here.

You're going to suck after.

Joe Nabos was a fluke It was a conspiracy To merge the leagues Oh god Bill Oh my god Alright with my fourth Oh my dude this hurts My fourth and final pick I'm going to do I'm going your third. I'm going to do something.
Let's be your third. I've only picked two teams.
I've got the Cardinals and the Ravens. And the Patriots.
You're right. Sorry.
Sorry. Sorry.
Oh, Jesus, Andrew. Did you have to do that to me? Don't you just flash your rung.
All right. I got it.
All right. What do you got to do? I'm going to take – as much as I hate to do this, dude, they're flying.
No pun intended. I'm going to take the Eagles minus three against the Rams.
Saquon Barkley watching what he's doing. What can I say? The Eagles minus three.
All right. Real quick.
Real quick. Real quick.
Jake the Snake. Any of their receivers back for the Rams? I know they had a bunch of – is anybody back? Yeah, they're back.
And then Devontae Smith hasn't been practicing this week

for the Eagles. So that's the other

injury I was going to mention.

So we'll see. Friday will tell us if he's playing

or not.

Look at me looking out for you.

I'm taking the Eagles still. Thank you, Bill.

You know,

Paul, when I come in one and three, I feel

like I've got to spread that around. Just let let people know let people know what's going on I'm just I'm fucking Billy favorites this week you know do I need to take a dog Paul you got the Patriots in there oh I do I'm just Billy confused like I know what.
Patriots. Paul, please don't say my picks again out loud.
You're going to make me cry on the road. I'm just going through mine.
I got Giants, Chiefs, Eagles, and Packers. I'm done.
So you get the last one. Paul, I realize you're done.
You got four, and you're still running your yap. I didn't remember.

Paul, listen, I'm just giving you shit because I don't know what I'm.

All right, here we go.

Let's take out the magic glasses.

Let's see if we can find a fucking winner here.

Jesus Christ.

Now, the Buccaneers, Paul, who do they play for?

Is that New Jersey?

I think I'm going to take the Lions minus seven and a half because I'm a fucking idiot.

Because they had a big game last week.

I know that Richardson kid is back.

Seven and a half.

Why do they got to go seven and a half?

Don't you dare write that yet, Andrew.

Don't you.

You keep your fucking guitar playing fingers away from that.

All right, fuck it.

I'm going Lions.

I'm going Lions. You know what I want to be, Paul?

I want to be the relatable gambler, the guy who can't fucking throw in the ocean.

That's what I got.

Oh, Jesus, Paul.

Look at that.

All right.

I don't know what picks look like this week.

You ever see somebody who's been married five times and you see their first four wives?

What the fuck was he doing?

Then he finally gets it right.

I like those picks.

I like all our picks. We're going to go 8-0 with these picks.
And that's the difference. That's the difference, Paul.
New York and Boston. Yeah.
No, don't put Boston on me. It's Paul and me.
That's right. Okay, let's stop with the New York winner fucking things.
Jets, Mets, guys. Those Jets, Mets, guys.
They dragged it down. Those Jersey Jets, Mets, guys with their shoulders and slumped over that off-track betting thing.
I'm telling you. What Frank Sinatra song does not take away Jets, Mets, fans? Oh, and then if you choose the Knicks or the Rangers, you're still fucked.
You're still fucked. Knicks, hopefully.
But if you go Yankees, Giants, what you get is what you look in there right there. Paul Berzy.
Look at that. Look at the light.
Look at the light in his eye. No.
Come on, Paul. Come on, Paul.
Berzy, not Calgary. Paul, you've seen a lot.
Five World Series.

Yeah.

Four Super Bowls.

Look at you.

Nothing with the Knicks, though.

Hey, Paul.

Don't be a tunt, all right?

It's not how life works.

You don't get everything.

I want one.

I want one.

I need one.

You like that side piece that thinks the guy's going to leave his wife.

It's not happening.

I would take...

The Knicks are done, Paul.

No, they're not.

God doesn't like them.

You see how serious I took it?

No, they're not.

All right.

Monday night special.

Every fucking year, Paul. Breaks my heart.
You made me sound like Dice Clay. Don't you wish you played for the Knicks? Yeah, no.
No, I know. That's for the fans.

Oh, the guy of KD.

Yeah.

This is my impression

of the New York Knicks.

No rings.

I got two.

They were the size of my wedding ring. That's how small those rings were.
Those were mobster pinky rings that they got. No, I'll be honest with you, Paul.
The day the fucking Knicks win, I'm going to be so happy for you. I'm not going to be happy for James Tallon Harris.
I'm not going to be that guy. Oh, my God.
The level of shit that that guy talks that they were winning I gotta be honest with you if they win my son Lucas is going to my son Lucas makes me look like I'm not even a Knicks fan the level he gives a fuck going to his room slamming things happy hugging when they win he's going to break down and I'll be right there guilty that that to him? Dude, I only took him to games. I didn't go that nuts.
He went hard. They're not that far away, Paul.
Listen, I just gave him a little taste. I didn't know he was going to...
I took the kid to the guard. I wet his beak.
You want to know what's funny? Lucas is now 5'10 and lanky and I still hug him and kiss him and tell him I love him like I always did, but now it looks like I'm his son because he just puts his huge arms around me. I'm just picturing you on your tiptoes and your Air Max.
He's kissing the top of your head giving you a lunchbox uh all right son i gotta go gamble okay dad you know what he said to me the other day he goes dad because dude he's like so smart my kid right and he goes he goes dad can i think it's time he makes like high honor roll he's like you know on varsity and basketball young he's just a great well-rounded kid he goes dad i think it's time you and mom get me a gambling account and he goes because i know my i go buddy you're not getting a gambling account he goes why just give me one reason why i go you're 15 years old you're not gambling okay and he goes it would just be little i said you're not and then i go fine fine you want

to know you don't have money and he goes i know that's why i need to gamble i gotta get them oh no he was he was half joking but i just burst it out laughing uh he goes i know that's why i need some money all right we got the monday night special and it is the i'm i'm with bill i like the Ravens minus three. Sorry, Jake the Snake.

I think... I'll be there.

You'll be there?

I do. What's the under over on Lamar Jackson rushing yards, Andrew? Let's do that, dude.
Lamar's going to run. Andrew Themless is, oh, there he is.
Yeah, they'll probably run all over us. Andrew was on the phone with his stockbroker trying to move around his trust fund money.
His total yards is 51, right? Or no? No. I can't click it.
Lamar Jackson, rushing yards. 42.
42. Oh, Paul.
Under? They just...

Listen, dude, I don't want to fuck out.

You don't want to do that one?

All right.

I don't like that one.

Okay.

Are you going Ravens money line to start?

You want to do...

Well, we could do what's it called?

We could do Herbert to throw one and Lamar to throw one?

Herbert throw one. Herbert throw one, definitely.
I like the Lamar one, too. You could go Derrick Henry to run one.
Oh, let's do that. Let's do Herbert to throw one, Derrick Henry to run one.
Derrick Henry is the superhero. He really is.
And then we'll take the Ravens. It's like if Iron Man was playing football.
He's amazing. Or the Hulk.
Yeah, the fact that a man that size that looks like a middle linebacker runs like that is unbelievable, man. Yeah.
I'm amazed limbs don't come off when that guy goes through the fucking line. And I believe candidate for MVP again, man, King Henry.
Yeah, him and Lamar. Was almost out of the NFL.
Was almost out of the NFL after year one or two and then somebody was like, dude, what the fuck are you doing? I think it was Eddie George. If my memory's correct, Eddie George went up to him and goes, dude, what the fuck are you doing, man? You could own this fucking league.
You need to start playing with some heart. And then fucking he just changed.
Wow. I mean, I thought it was an inspiring story, but I don't think this podcast got quiet.
No, you know what I was thinking of? Did you ever see that Barstool sports thing when that kid was gambling? No.

The dude's rooting for him. He's one card away.
He's like, Eddie! You have a 97% chance of winning. And the one fucking cunty card.
I don't understand poker. Flips it over and he goes, and you lost.
And then he didn't want to. But he fucking rolled over and just started laughing, going, I'm sorry.
Sorry. He goes, my favorite thing was, he goes, that shouldn't have happened.
That's the greatest thing ever. Like, it was this fucking tragedy.
Like, that never should have. No, Bill, what about him? What about him with the.
Dave Portnoy. Dave Portnoy.
What about him with the – no, his other guy, his buddy Jerry. He's going, come on, sweetie.
Come on, get him, sweetie. Get him, sweetie.
He goes, she lost. And then he goes, no, she won.
She won. She lost.
Oh, God. What about that dude? Come on, you six.
Come on. He's doing that.
He's got the muffin top. He's standing in his jeans with his fucking belly hanging over.
And before that, he's walking around going, you're so stupid. You don't bet the ponies.
You always lose. You always lose.
Come on, you six. Come on.
He's doing like, what the fuck is like. I love when the guy slaps his own ass with the betting magazine.
Yeah, that guy. Oh, God, he's riding the horse.
That's fucking amazing. A classic.
That's just complete failure as a parent. Bill, that snap of the finger is amazing.
Oh, that's what happens when you're not there to teach your kid how to ride a bike. I'm telling you, that's what it ends up.
By the way, shout out to Andrew Themos, who just made this look like a professional sports show. That was amazing with your graphics there, Andrew.
Oh, wonderful. You had the lineup.
You had the prop bets. You had us in little boxes.
ESPN got nothing on you. All right.
All right, guys. So there you have it.
We're going to take the Monday night special is going to be the Ravens minus three. King Henry.
Sorry, I get it. There's that one.
He goes to the sky. I like to jump.
I love the unathletic jump. Like when he goes, he goes like this.
He goes. I got to watch the jump, Paul.
Watch his leg and his arm. It's like there's a string on it together.
Oh, I'm sorry. I went the wrong way.
It's like this. Oh, this is great.
I love how he goes to riding it, too. Oh, so good.
Hey. Andrew, Andrew, you're on point today, kid.
We should also point out, I don't know if you guys watched the game last night, but Russell Wilson in a Steelers uniform marching down the field in the snow in Cleveland on a Thursday night. It's like this is why the NFL is the best product.
I mean, what a great game that that was. He was starting to look like old school

Russell Jones. I think he just didn't like the altitude

in the Broncos in my life.

I mean, the snow.

How fun was that game?

Well, you know what was great?

The weather channel was going like,

oh my God, these storms are clean.

Because they had it on, for some reason,

the weather channel. And then they cut to

the game and it's still Cleveland and it's just like snow flurries it's like wait a minute I thought the fucking world was ending um Jameis Winston I just have to say this Jameis Winston is going to be a crazy old man because now every time he talks it's getting to a level like he they just go and listen and I love the guy but he goes they go what do you think about this weather and he just goes i just have to thank god in this football weather in the snow in cleveland ohio tonight in this thing started quarter and it's like oh dude he's gonna be he's a few years away dude yeah the first question she asked he was just like you know blah. She's like, okay.
She's like, so that's great. That's why you think we're here.
Okay, so what about the weather? And he goes, God again. It was just like, I love that.
You can just go to that every time. Cleveland, Ohio? It was just like, all right.
Funny. All his teammates said, this is the funniest thing I've ever heard teammates say about a quarterback.
They go quarterback Every time he kneels down in the huddle to give the play It sounds like he's whispering a surprise Like Alright Hey 300 million dollars Right 300 million Yeah keep Bad people away from that guy I'm him. Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Somebody's going to come in and fucking try to get him to invest in a steakhouse or something. Just watch out for that.
Anybody who's handling his money. Alright, well we got the Ravens.
We got the Ravens. We got Iron Man to do what? Score one? Run one? Henry to run one and Herbert to throw one.

And that's it, everybody, for week number 12.

Holy shit, dude.

It's over.

It's over.

Season's over.

Did you see Michigan got the number one quarterback in the country yesterday?

They flipped him from LSU.

Did they?

Yeah.

Ornoy apparently paid $10 million for this guy. I heard you guys bring bring up barstool so i was like that's the game as well wait a second wait portnoy paid apparently barstool offered the kid 10 million dollars that's the rumor but um but yeah he decommitted from lsu he's going to michigan can i ask you a question what the fuck is happening to this country that's got to's got to be legal.
At least he's getting some money and not the fucking boosters. That's true, too.
But I'm just saying, dude, it's like this used to be backroom shit, dude. Right? I'm not shitting on Barstool.
What they did, fucking God bless them. That's always been done, but you did it in the woods.
You did it behind an IHOP. That's how it fucking went down on the hood of a fucking gold Trans Am.
That's how you fucking did it. That's how Dion did it.
A politician's openly saying we can insider trade. The Supreme Court going, you can fucking bribe a politician now.
It's called a gratuity, Paul. These are fucking...
What did we get rid of the mob for, Paul? So all of these white-collar guys could do it legally?

Right when the mob left, everything went to hell.

Just saying.

It was all smooth before that.

No, no.

Yeah, I bet it.

Listen, this is the thing.

He was the best guy around.

The mob was regulated. The mob was regulated because what they were doing was fucking illegal.
Bill, Bill. Corporations, corporations.
What murder? Bill, he was the best guy around. What about all the people he murdered? What murder? There you go.
He was the best guy around. What?

What?

Like, what was he trying to do?

He was just trying to make noise.

All right, guys.

Well, listen.

I was the best husband around.

What about all the side whores?

White whores.

It works.

Paul, it works for any subject oh no I got the best diet around what about all that McDonald's what McDonald's it's got all the empty containers in the back alright alright hey I to type all like this fucking tours, but one of my favorite tours I've ever done. I started in Ojai.
I did a three in the afternoon show at a little fucking amphitheater. And like the whole fucking town showed up.
That's awesome. And I literally go, I did some joke.
I go, Jesus Christ, this lady's going to go tell the mayor. And they go, he's here.
Oh, that's great. It felt like it was in a Christmas movie.
then I did some joke. I go, Jesus Christ, this lady's going to go tell the mayor.
They go, he's here. Oh, that's great.
It felt like it was in a Christmas movie. Then I did Bakersfield, low-key, ridiculously amazing town.
There's no corporate shit up there. You walk down the street, there's all these cool, like, guitar stores and fucking auto bodies and just fucking regular people with their own businesses that, you know, some pep boys didn't come in and take away.
Did Modesto last night. Nice.
And tonight I'm in Stockton. Home of the Diaz brothers.
And who's that musician? I will always love you. I'm not going to try to hit that high note.
Whitney Houston? Not Whitney Houston. No, Whitney Houston was from New Jersey.
No, I know, but I will always love you. Dolly Parton wrote it.
No, no, no. No, I will never fall.
No, I will never fall. Oh, my God.
I know. Chris Isaac.
I yelled so much on stage this week. I can't even.
Chris Isaac. I think he's right.
Yeah, that's what it is. All right.

I sound like I ruptured my spleen halfway through there.

This has been one of the funniest anything better.

This is the best.

This is the best.

And guess what?

You people got the best team.

You got the best injury report guy.

You got the best producer.

You got the best host.

What more do you want?

The best sports show around. What about all those losses? What losses? I was just thinking that.
What about the times they went 0-4? What 0-4? Never. Daniel Jones, he's the best quarterback around.
They just put in Tommy Cutlass. What Cutlass? Paul, what about your Mark Sanchez prediction? What prediction? You said this guy's special.
No, I said he's a star. He's a star.
And then who did you have? mine was Sanchez. You had Sam.
Who was Sam? He went to Oklahoma.

Oh, Bradford.

Sam Bradford. I believe that

Sam Bradford. And Paul,

you and I will never walk away from

those. It's just, it's going to follow us.

I knew Sam Bradford wasn't

when he was in street clothes. They

were like Pete Carroll khakis and he was

in his 20s. I was like, oh.
Come on,

that's Eli Ware.

Maybe that was it. It was

Thank you. When he was in street clothes, they were like Pete Carroll khakis, and he was in his 20s.
I was like, oh. Come on, that's Eli wear.
Maybe that was it. It was residual from losing to the Giants.
I thought this guy dresses like Eli. I believe in him.
What khakis? Oh, by the way, by the way, Eli should be first fucking ballot Hall of Famer. Why'd you have to do that? Don't do that now.
Did it already come and go? No, no, it didn't come and go. But if he doesn't, it's going to be your dude.
Just clear your text. Hey, clear your text.
If he doesn't. Well, if he doesn't get in, it's because of the New York sports media that never fucking appreciated him.
They didn't like him because he was a southerner. That's what the fuck it was.
And then also they're fucking lazy in New York york the sports writers they want you to come in with a fur coat dressed like joe namath and going out in the town so it fucking the article writes itself that's what it is and that fucking guy dude i'm telling you the bigger the game the better he fucking played and those fat cunts and the sports writers all they ever did dude the guy had two rings on his finger and they were still coming after him. Still coming after him.
I was at a Monday night football game at the Giants place with a guy next to me, Giants fan. They're playing the Rams and he just goes, I don't know if he's the guy.
After the fucking Super Bowl. I mean, it's...
After the fucking Super Bowl. You hopped out of your chair on that one, Paul.
How about this? Skip Bayless saying it was luck.

How about this?

He's more clutch than his brother ever was.

How about that?

He's more clutch than Peyton.

100% he was.

100% as a Patriots fan.

I don't want to see Eli.

I want to see Peyton getting all upset with his team.

We have protection issues.

Dude, this is how good Eli is.

When I did that fucking show,

all Peyton kept doing was bringing up

was the shit that Eli did to us.

Yeah. Because he

had nothing!

And I'm not trying to be a dick because I never want to

highlight somebody's negative shit, but he

threw a pick to lose a Super Bowl,

man. Eli went to two

and played. But dude, I don't want to shit on

Peyton because I love Peyton because you know what?

That fucking guy showed up on Tom Brady Day

and everybody gave him a fucking standing ovation

and he was funny as fucking hell and

he was self-deprecating about it. That guy's cool as

shit. However, when I

did that show, the only way

he could try to get to me was bringing up what his little

brother did. So maybe he's just a proud older brother,

Paul. There you go.
It's the holiday season.

Let's spin it in a positive way. I love Peyton, man.
I love when you used to sing that, Bill. When you used to go doobie doobie doo.
What was that? The holiday season. Oh, it's the holiday season.
Doobie doobie doo. All right, guys, listen.
And avoiding your dad as you go in the back door. Because he's a fucking lunatic who bangs your mom.
Sorry. What about when you didn't show up on the holidays? What holidays? I gave you the best toys around.
All right, we're killing that. Let's go.
Let's get out of here. All right, here we go, guys.
Thank you. Those are our picks.
Go to download the BetMGM bed MGM app on your, uh, device and use our code burr B U R R. You put up to, uh, you put a minimum of $10 in there.
And, uh, if the bet loses, you'll get, uh, if you get a 1500 in bonus bets back, uh, also the first touchdown offer guys is, uh, you do a prop bet. You pick, uh, anybody on any NFL team to score the first touchdown of any game.
And if they do, you win. If they don't, but they're second, you'll still get your cash back.
So that's a good deal. Bet responsibly.
We always say just bet to have fun. And we will see you next week.
Oh, guys, if you're watching this tonight, this comes out today, right? Andrew? Yes. I will be at the new, the newly renovated Providence Comedy Connection.
I'll be there tonight for two. And I'm hearing that shows are selling out, starting to sell out tomorrow of two.
So check that out. Go to PaulBerzi.com.
Hey, send me a video. I came up in that room, dude.
I want to see what they did to it. Oh, I will.
Yeah, I will.

And we'll...

I saw Bill there in 2000.

I saw Bill, I saw you there in 2008.

There you go.

I was there in 2008.

And the guys, dude, the guys bought it.

You know what? We had tickets.

My ex had a death

in the family, and I'm like, we're going to

still go. It's like the next day.

It'll cheer you up. Dude,

we went.

Thank you. My ex had a death in the family.
And I'm like, we're going to still go. It's like the next day.
It'll cheer you up. Dude, we went.
Let's just say we went. Okay.
And I died the whole time. And then I got home.
I'm like repeating jokes. It's like still this somber atmosphere.
Oh, Jesus. That room had the worst fucking sound for like 10 years And then they finally fixed it and the room became magic No, they bought it They bought it from the guy that owned it And now they bought it from, what's his name? Bill Blumenreich They bought it from him and it was great They fixed a lot of things I'm gonna get you down on that Providence book I'll blow it out And now it's amazing And then they just bought the Apollo Theater that's in Providence.
So these guys are making moves. It's a great room.
I'll see you there this weekend. Shout out to Bill Blumenreich, man.
He's one of my favorite promoters in the country. Bill, you can stay at my house.
You can drive my car. I don't give a fuck.
I just want to get you my room. Good impression.
Remember he gave me his keys to his car? goes he goes you like S550s go go and I just drove it and he's like yeah go take it for a spin yeah no he's he dude he's a fucking old school gangster I remember the fucking Aspen comedy festival he showed up with a cowboy hat and a fur length, a floor length, full length, what did you say, fur coat. It was just standing there.
It was a club owner. It was hilarious.
That's awesome. Most club owners try to act like they don't have any money, you know, so when they fuck you at the end of the week, it makes sense.
But Bill always, that's what I love about Bill.

It takes you forever to impress him.

But when you do, that guy fucking pays you.

Pays you handsomely.

Nothing but good things to say about him.

All right, that's it.

Let's jump off here.

All right, we'll see you guys next week.

Those are the picks.

Enjoy the Monday night special.

And we'll see you next week for week 13.