Thursday Afternoon Monday Morning Podcast 11-21-24

Speaker 1 Give it up for Chicago.

Speaker 2 Sebastian Maniscalco's new stand-up special, It Ain't Right, is coming to Hulu on November 21st.

Speaker 1 30 years ago, Jeff Bezos, complete nerd. Bezos now ripped to shreds on his super yacht, and the boxes keep coming.

Speaker 2 Sebastian Maniscalco, It Ain't Right, premieres November 21st, streaming on Hulu and Hulu on Disney Plus for bundle subscribers. Terms apply.

Speaker 3 Hey, what's going on? It's Bill Burr, and it's time for the Thursday afternoon, just before Friday, Monday morning podcast. And yours truly is just checking in on you.

Speaker 3 I'm checking in to see how, how are you doing?

Speaker 3 You know, sometimes we get so used to just saying things, we don't even know what we're saying. They start meaning things.
Like, gee, I don't know. Like, I love you.

Speaker 3 I love you becomes love you.

Speaker 3 or you know somebody says love you and you go yep

Speaker 3 but what happened what happens to why do we do that you know Jesus once said

Speaker 3 got into a big

Speaker 3 long debate about the Lord last night with a friend of mine

Speaker 3 and

Speaker 3 completely didn't see it the same way but it didn't get into an argument. I was just like, no, I get how you see it.

Speaker 3 I mean, I don't fucking see it that way. The old me would have been like, no, no, no,

Speaker 3 no.

Speaker 3 And I would have gotten some big stupid fight.

Speaker 3 It's just like, all right, you know, if you think he's a good shit, that's cool.

Speaker 3 I don't. I think he's got issues.
I think God has issues. That's why he keeps fucking creating, just keeps throwing himself into his work.
There's some sort of demon he doesn't want to deal with.

Speaker 3 And I'm not talking about the actual devil

Speaker 3 because I don't think there is a devil. I think God, devil, the whole fucking thing, it's all one thing that just, whatever.
If you want to say made this fucking thing, okay.

Speaker 3 But it doesn't give a fuck. Just made it and it moved on to the next Earth or Saturn or whatever the fuck it's working on.

Speaker 3 I mean, I've seen this behavior in human beings. And according to that book, he made us in his image.
So he's just some fucking.

Speaker 3 He's some hurt kid. Who hurt God? If God was like.

Speaker 3 Who made him? Who made who? I think ACDC.

Speaker 3 ACDC figured it out a long time ago. Who made who?

Speaker 3 He made them and they made you. Who picked up a doop-doo? Who made who?

Speaker 3 Anyway, I am working my way up the 99. I'm having a great time.

Speaker 3 Shout out to Mega Texas Barbecue. Once again, my second time going there.
It's the best barbecue in the goddamn country. I mean,

Speaker 3 as far as I'm concerned,

Speaker 3 last time I went there, they tried to kill me.

Speaker 3 They gave me Nate Craig and Club Soda Kenny. They gave us all of this, you know, a whole sample.
Like, my wife knows how to do the sample platter. I don't.

Speaker 3 I come from the, you clean your plate or you're gonna get smacked in the back of the fucking head generation so i'm just sitting i chowed so this time i go i'm just gonna get the pulled pork and the ribs and uh two sides i got the beans and i got some mac and cheese and then they're like well you know we got like this uh

Speaker 3 smoked turkey i just want you to try it oh my god

Speaker 3 Oh my God.

Speaker 3 Oh my God. It was so fucking good.
And then what was amazing was the smoky aftertaste would come like three seconds later.

Speaker 3 And we're going like, all right, all right, that's enough. That's sasufi, sasofi, right? And then she fucking,

Speaker 3 she brought even more of it out and like desserts and all of that. And next thing you know,

Speaker 3 I'm leaning a little bit. Oh my god, it was so fucking good.
And the Texas Twinkie.

Speaker 3 So I forgot when I described it. It's a stuffed jalapeno.
They got like cream cheese and brisket inside of it and other seasonings or whatever.

Speaker 3 And then it's like triple wrapped with bacon with a little bit of sauce on top. It's fucking bananas.

Speaker 3 You got to go there. If you're anywhere near Fresno and you like barbecue,

Speaker 3 it's worth the trip. It is worth the trip.
They are, they are,

Speaker 3 they're artists down there.

Speaker 3 All right.

Speaker 3 And

Speaker 3 then last night,

Speaker 3 I got to play. I finally got to play the place I wanted this is my third time here in Bakersfield and

Speaker 3 the first time I forget where I played and then I played um

Speaker 3 a casino but I wanted to play this this um

Speaker 3 this old theater out here the Warner Theater

Speaker 3 and um

Speaker 3 interestingly enough um

Speaker 3 I was gonna say ACDC

Speaker 3 did a show here on the highway to Hell Tour with Bon Scott. And when you go into the basement of that

Speaker 3 venue and you're looking at the floors and the sinks, it looks all original. You're like,

Speaker 3 like, oh my God, did Bon Scott, Malcolm Young,

Speaker 3 Phil, Cliff, and Angus walk around on these same floors? It just gave me the chills. So I went out there and the crowd was great.
They were a little rowdy, but they were a lot of fun. And,

Speaker 3 you know, you got to respect people that are rowdy on a fucking Wednesday, right?

Speaker 3 But anyway, I had a lot of fun. And

Speaker 3 I don't know. Just having fun, like, playing with both sides of...
a lot of different subjects and everything and then trying to get people to understand

Speaker 3 that

Speaker 3 there's not two sides in this country. It's like us

Speaker 3 against them. But they got us feeling like, you know, like it's a football field and we're playing each other.
It's like, no, dude, we're on the same team and we keep tackling each other.

Speaker 3 And at this point, the fucking super rich are just sitting in the stands laughing at us. So I saw this thing.
Jim Jeffries did this bit.

Speaker 3 was saying,

Speaker 3 he just put it on his Instagram, right? And he was saying how hate doesn't beat hate. It just creates more hate.
The only thing that

Speaker 3 I'm paraphrasing: love is the only thing that beats hate, and you just love the other person, and they can still hate you, but eventually, everyone's going to look at them like they're the asshole.

Speaker 3 And then, literally, the first comment

Speaker 3 someone wrote, We just got signed up for four more years of this.

Speaker 3 And fortunately, somebody wrote underneath it,

Speaker 3 and you immediately missed the point.

Speaker 3 It's like, why would you write that? Like,

Speaker 3 people like so cannot get out

Speaker 3 of this fucking political argument thing, unless it's a bot, you know?

Speaker 3 Just every fucking other goddamn thing you see on the internet, somebody figures out how to politicize. We've literally politicized at this point

Speaker 3 four women sitting around talking.

Speaker 3 You know? Those fucking shows, like The View, they used to just sit around and shoot the shit, and now that's politicized. So now they're going to have a right-wing view.

Speaker 3 That's the thing, too.

Speaker 3 Is so much of this shit

Speaker 3 that

Speaker 3 you don't like politically, it's like you create it by doing it on your side. Stop doing it.

Speaker 3 You want to have a talk show? Have a fucking talk show. Don't make it a liberal talk show unless you want to see eventually a conservative one.

Speaker 3 And

Speaker 3 all that does is just fucking divide us.

Speaker 3 It's fucking insane. It's fucking insane.
And people just keep doing it.

Speaker 3 Jesus fucking Christ. And now look where the fuck, look where the fuck we're at.

Speaker 3 We're just fucking attacking each other. So anyway,

Speaker 3 that's sort of the challenge right now that I find, like going out on the road. It's like, I don't want to go out there and,

Speaker 3 you know,

Speaker 3 add to this.

Speaker 3 Very least, I can come out here and try to make people to like

Speaker 3 forget about them. I don't know, but people are so fucking sensitive at this point, even if you make fun of both sides,

Speaker 3 you know, in like a light-hearted way,

Speaker 3 They still like

Speaker 3 get so fucking upset. It's unbelievable.

Speaker 3 It's literally, it's a fucking sickness at this point.

Speaker 3 Just especially as a comedian, like your job, you just make fun of the standing president. That's what it is.

Speaker 3 You know,

Speaker 3 back in the day, you did it way more respectful.

Speaker 3 But, you know, things have changed like that.

Speaker 3 But, like, whoever was the president, I don't know, my whole career, you just fucking made fun of them or whatever they were were doing, or the weird way they talked, or

Speaker 3 they couldn't remember where the fuck they were. You know, that was another one, you know, where they used to host a fucking reality show.

Speaker 3 You know,

Speaker 3 that's what you did.

Speaker 3 People are like posting up now.

Speaker 3 I'll tell you, that's the two things that have changed the most.

Speaker 3 Since I've been an adult,

Speaker 3 is you look at like that company, Tesla, now, and the Tesla guy, I can't remember his Elon Musk, right? That fucking guy

Speaker 3 just politicized a fucking car company. If that is not the stupidest fucking thing you could ever do.

Speaker 3 The stupidest, and not only that,

Speaker 3 I gotta watch out because Dean's doing a bit about this. It's just like you kind of alienated most of the majority of your fan base.

Speaker 3 I don't fucking get it. I don't get watching comedians do it or actors.

Speaker 3 I just don't fucking get it. Because it doesn't change anything.

Speaker 3 And all it does.

Speaker 3 It does the exact opposite. It makes it worse, I think.

Speaker 3 Which is why back in the day, it's like you didn't say who the fuck you voted for. You didn't talk about politics or religion.
But I really think

Speaker 3 how anonymous you can be online. And how back in the day, you know, if you wanted to talk shit to somebody, you had to fucking go over there.
Bitch you could call them on the phone, but

Speaker 3 you'd have to have their phone number, which means you're in their life and they know who the fuck you are. So eventually, you'd have to back up what you say.

Speaker 3 But like the fucking internet, you can be as rude as you want to be as fucked up as you as tough as you want to be all of that shit it's really fucking crazy

Speaker 3 so

Speaker 3 anyway um

Speaker 3 i've been coming out here trying to keep it light and trying to fucking uh

Speaker 3 i don't know

Speaker 3 walk that fucking like another one too is artist is brand

Speaker 3 is something that i don't understand i'm just like I get it, you know, because

Speaker 3 the whole business

Speaker 3 folded. So now it's like up to you.
Like, artists have to be like,

Speaker 3 you know, managers at

Speaker 3 like agents and fucking like

Speaker 3 the industry all at the same time. But like,

Speaker 3 I don't know.

Speaker 3 It's that added burden that now it's like up to you

Speaker 3 that you have to get it going. They used to, you used to, all you used to have to do is just worry about becoming a good comedian or a good actor or something like that.

Speaker 3 I mean, you always had to play the game, but now it's like you have to be like, all right, I got to be a comedian. I got to market myself.
I got to see what the trends are. And blah, blah, blah.

Speaker 3 It's fucking, I don't know. I'm probably just an old guy who's like just saying the world's changing and I don't understand it, which is, I think, the typical,

Speaker 3 it's the typical thing.

Speaker 3 Um,

Speaker 3 if I could use any analogy, it's watching everybody stand still now when they play football and they kick the ball off. When I look at that, I'm just like,

Speaker 3 that is not the game I reckon. I mean, it's a good thing.
I don't want people to get their heads fucking knocked in, but like,

Speaker 3 I don't know, it's changed a lot. Anyway,

Speaker 3 um,

Speaker 3 getting back. So, um,

Speaker 3 I was in Bakersfield after I did Ojai.

Speaker 3 Shout out to Cafe Smitten. Gave me a great cup of coffee.

Speaker 3 And underrated Bakersfield.

Speaker 3 What a great fucking city that is.

Speaker 3 You know what's great about it is like all of these corporate, stupid fucking stores haven't taken over the whole downtown area.

Speaker 3 So

Speaker 3 there were so many like interesting places to look at

Speaker 3 and businesses. Like there was an incredible fucking music store.
It was unfortunately it wasn't open before, but just going in the window.

Speaker 3 Literally had like some fucking mannequin holding a guitar, like one of those fucking places. Like this,

Speaker 3 I don't know, incredible just mix. And then he had like some old vintage drums in there.

Speaker 3 It's right next to the Fox Theater

Speaker 3 in Bakersfield. We were like, you you know, me and Dean had our fucking nose pressed up against the window trying to see what was in there.
Unfortunately, it wasn't open.

Speaker 3 Next time I come up here, I got to check that out.

Speaker 3 They had a little arena there that was the, it looked like it was the minor league hockey team for the Edmonton Oilers.

Speaker 3 Really cool architecture. We went to that place, Smitten Coffee, and

Speaker 3 And there wasn't a whole lot of people like,

Speaker 3 you know, on the street in the morning. So the streets were kind of empty.
And I kind of felt like I was in one of those cool early 70s movies that I love watching.

Speaker 3 But the crowd there was fantastic. And just like I said, like, so far, Ojai,

Speaker 3 Bakersfield, and Fresno, the people that are like, have been like ridiculously gracious and

Speaker 3 happy that, you know, me and Dean came out here. And that's something I've been saying.
Like, you know, a lot of people, you know, once you get going, you start selling tickets.

Speaker 3 You just go to the big cities and then that's it.

Speaker 3 And then all these people who live, you know, in these places, smaller places, smaller markets, whatever they call them, you know, they always have to fucking drive.

Speaker 3 And they get sick of it after a while. So if you actually come to them, they're like, oh my God, this is fucking unbelievable.
Somebody finally came to me. Are you serious?

Speaker 3 And now I get to be home 20 minutes after the show. Oh, another thing about about Fresno.
Shout out to the,

Speaker 3 I hope I say this right, Seland Arena, S-E-L-L-A-N-D Arena.

Speaker 3 This place looks like every fucking place I saw

Speaker 3 a heavy metal show when I was growing. It looked like the Worcester Centrum.
It looked like the

Speaker 3 Providence Civic Center. I'd love to play either one of those venues at some point.

Speaker 3 Never done it.

Speaker 3 It'd be cool. Especially, I think, Providence.
I always forget, did I see

Speaker 3 Judas Priest at Providence or Worcester? It was my first concert. I can't remember.

Speaker 3 I think I saw him in Worcester. And then my next concert was ACDC on the Who Made Who tour, speaking of which,

Speaker 3 with Loudness opening up, which was a Japanese heavy metal band. And I think I saw them.
But anyway, this arena, we drove by it and Dean Del Rey freaks out. He's like, oh, fuck, man.

Speaker 3 He goes, I saw Van Halen in 81 on the Fair Warning tour. I go, no, you didn't.
He goes, yeah. I go, did any have the black and yellow guitar? He's like, no, that was the Van Halen 2 tour.

Speaker 3 And then we're going like, you know, I think he buried that guitar with Dime Bag and that, I don't know. Just had that great thing.
And he goes, yeah, and then I came back the next year.

Speaker 3 I saw a cheap trick. I was like, dude, I would kill to go in there.
And he goes, let me make a phone call. So he knows somebody up here.
Dean knows, Dean Del Rey fucking knows everybody.

Speaker 3 So he fucking calls him up. And two seconds later, because we were in the hotel next door, we just fucking go,

Speaker 3 we just go in there. And the second I walked in there, I'm like, this literally looks like every fuck, this is like a Randy Rhodes place.

Speaker 3 You know, this is

Speaker 3 all of those bands that I, that, I mean, I never saw Randy with Quiet Riot or Ozzy, unfortunately.

Speaker 3 Like, he was gone by the time I was like 14 or 15 and I didn't start going to shows till I was 18, unfortunately. So I didn't get to see him.
But anyway, I saw it.

Speaker 3 It was total like fucking heavy metal parking lot. If you've never seen that, it's incredible.
Then they did a follow-up to it

Speaker 3 that I ended up seeing. And the follow-up was funny because

Speaker 3 there's a guy in the first one that he's dressed in this animal print thing.

Speaker 3 And he's just being how we all were back then.

Speaker 3 And

Speaker 3 they were asking him about music. And he's like, what are you, you know, he's just being a kid.
And at one point, they asked him, what do you think of Madonna? He's like, ah, man, ah, fuck Madonna.

Speaker 3 He goes, she's a dick.

Speaker 3 So years later, they tried to find the people that were in that documentary. Which I got to tell you was a really important documentary, even though it's...

Speaker 3 Yeah, fuck, am I catching a cold or am I just allergic to something in this room? Oh, boy. Um,

Speaker 3 oh, Billy, run down.

Speaker 3 Oh, Billy, run down. Um, but anyways, they caught up with the kid that said Madonna was a dick, and you could see he was a dad at that point.

Speaker 3 He was a responsible adult, and he was kind of like, he looked like he wasn't comfortable talking about it, which it was like, I get it, but then it's also like,

Speaker 3 dude, like,

Speaker 3 I'm not judging you.

Speaker 3 Like,

Speaker 3 I would have wanted to be friends with you, like, back then like you were like

Speaker 3 you were the fucking man.

Speaker 3 I wish I could have pulled off that fucking Animal Prince spandex shit. I wanted to dress that way.
I didn't have the fucking nerve old Billy fucking redhead coming down there just trying to fit in.

Speaker 3 I learned early on I wasn't the Fonts. I was Richie Cunningham.
I was taught that by a sitcom. You are not the cool person.

Speaker 3 Over and over and over again with the fucking redhead

Speaker 3 the redhead thing.

Speaker 3 i don't know how the fuck i ended up talking about that but oh yeah going into that venue so

Speaker 3 you know those guys were saying like uh you know why don't you play here next time why don't you come up here and play

Speaker 3 maybe i will i don't know it's a lot of fucking tickets though um

Speaker 3 but this there's uh i still want to do the cow palace at some point like um

Speaker 3 Which is another place which is funny. I never even knew about that place because I lived on the East Coast and then I just heard that every single

Speaker 3 band in the 80s, if you were selling tickets, you eventually played that place. And it just sounds cool as hell.

Speaker 3 And it's big and it's ugly. And it's in the fucking giant parking lot around.
It just...

Speaker 3 You know, and it looks like what America looked like when I was growing up. Like, when I grew up, I think that's why I love those old movies.
They were like...

Speaker 3 you know, it was an eyesore. It was just, it was the post,

Speaker 3 what was it? It was post-Vietnam, World War II, Industrial Revolution, the whole fucking, all of that shit over the last hundred years,

Speaker 3 you know, had gone

Speaker 3 and then just dropped off. And all these factories were fucking closing.
And all of these buildings were old.

Speaker 3 There was just

Speaker 3 so many old buildings and houses. There wasn't like a lot of new construction.
Like that racket didn't start.

Speaker 3 Like, I don't know when, like, even like when I moved to New York in 95.

Speaker 3 I mean, there was some new shit there, but like, just the level of new shit that it that is

Speaker 3 that came around from like 95 to 2007 when I left,

Speaker 3 they were just knocking down one iconic thing or one cool old place after another.

Speaker 3 Yeah, they started the glass tower age

Speaker 3 where everything just has to be this glass fucking thing. And then real estate agents stopped looking like real estate agents.
They started looking like they had their own TV show.

Speaker 3 And then they had TV shows.

Speaker 3 And now there's the weirdness of that. Like, what do you think has more pressure to be in shape and good looking now?

Speaker 3 Being a movie star, if that even exists anymore, or being a fucking real estate agent?

Speaker 3 I mean, even the fucking,

Speaker 3 you know, they're walking around with their tight-ass clothes, like the guys with their tight-ass, like, fitted fucking suits.

Speaker 3 And you just look at them, you're just like, that real estate agent, that fucking real estate agent is in the gym every day and is eating like a microbiotic diet

Speaker 3 to go sell a split entry.

Speaker 3 One of the great things about being a real estate agent is you have a fucking donut, a cup of coffee, you'd smoke a cigarette in your Ford Fairmont before you went into the Garrison Colonial and tried to sell this shag rug piece of shit to somebody.

Speaker 3 Now you got to go in there.

Speaker 3 You got to look like Brad Pitt's fucking understudy.

Speaker 3 Really is incredible.

Speaker 3 I will say this, from around the world, you got to get, if you see an American that's fucking shredded,

Speaker 3 you know, you better give him or her their respect because our food supply is fucking poison.

Speaker 3 To become fucking shredded in Europe, oh my God. I'll never forget that fucking potato I had.

Speaker 3 The tomato I had in Italy and a fucking potato I had in Paris. There wasn't even, it was just like a fucking afterthought.
It was a plate filler. I'm like, that's what a fucking potato tastes like?

Speaker 3 Make sure you eat your vegetables. Vegetables taste like shit over here.

Speaker 3 Like I love how they're like, they have like YouTube videos. on how to like fucking wash the carcinogens off of the goddamn thing.

Speaker 3 I don't know, which I get it. I mean, you got to feed 350 million people, you got to do what you got to do, right? I guess,

Speaker 3 but you know, they're going too far, they got to be going to genetically modifying things.

Speaker 3 The people that genetically modified our fucking food, like they, they, they should have been, they should have been put in the belly of the beast, like they deserve that death.

Speaker 3 I mean, they are like terrorists, terrorists.

Speaker 3 Um, anyway, I'm not gonna go down that depressing road again, um, Although I just did. Anyway,

Speaker 3 so I'm going to Modesto, and then I go to

Speaker 3 Stockton and then Vesalia.

Speaker 3 And

Speaker 3 Stockton was the one that I was really excited about

Speaker 3 because I was saying how I saw the beginning of that movie, Fat City, and I got the idea.

Speaker 3 Or I learned how to establish

Speaker 3 you know a setting for a movie by watching the beginning of that incredible movie And

Speaker 3 but I sort of Google Earth the place because I'm so excited to see what does it look like now versus what it looked like 50 years ago. And in that movie, 50 years ago, you could see what it once was.

Speaker 3 And I'm happy to say, I looked at it, it looks fucking nice.

Speaker 3 You know, once again, they built a bunch of glass shit there that nobody can afford, but you know, it looks good when you walk down the street.

Speaker 3 That has been the great thing about riding up the the 99 out here is uh in between these towns, some of the fucking cars and trucks and shit that you're seeing.

Speaker 3 Um

Speaker 3 one of these car shows like Gas Monkey Garage would have a fucking field day.

Speaker 3 Um some of the shit that you can pull out because like it's sitting there, it's in the sun or whatever, but like it's not rusted out the way it does back east.

Speaker 3 I've yet to see

Speaker 3 you know, sort of what I feel like the holy grail truck, the cab over engine, the COE.

Speaker 3 I just fucking love those things.

Speaker 3 It's one of those things, like for some dumb reason, you know, if you had all the money in the world, you buy it, and then you're like, two weeks later, like, why the fuck did I get this thing?

Speaker 3 Your wife's just shaking her head, and you just, I know, it's stupid. It's fun.
I'm having fun.

Speaker 3 Like, what do you want from me?

Speaker 3 I don't know what I'm doing.

Speaker 3 I got a hole in me. I got to fill it up every day.

Speaker 3 Well, don't I do that?

Speaker 3 You do it from the moment I met you on, but you can't fix the shit before it happened.

Speaker 3 I'm trying. What I did with you was I built a nice emotional house next to the sinkhole that I was in.
That's it, but the sinkhole is still there.

Speaker 3 Don't go near it.

Speaker 3 Anyway, so

Speaker 3 this has been

Speaker 3 one of my favorite tours I've done. Like, this is just really, like,

Speaker 3 I got to be honest with you, at this point, how long I've been doing this, I'm coming up on 33 fucking years. I don't know where it went.

Speaker 3 It's very rare that I get to go start, I go to places that I've never been to before.

Speaker 3 And on this run, Ojai, Vesalia, Modesto, and Stockton, I've never been. I've got six dates and I haven't never been to four of them.

Speaker 3 So,

Speaker 3 like, I literally hit the hotel and I just fucking just start walking down the street just to look at it. And

Speaker 3 I always think of that Johnny Cash song that I've been everywhere, man, I've been everywhere. And every time I listen to that song,

Speaker 3 there's a few more cities that I check off, but then by like the second verse, I'm like, Jesus Christ, this fucking guy, this guy did the, those guys did the fucking road.

Speaker 3 They did the fucking road.

Speaker 3 They literally went everywhere. There's fucking cities still in that song I've never even heard of.

Speaker 3 I have no idea where they are.

Speaker 3 But

Speaker 3 I don't know. I should look those up one time.
That's the kind of fucking...

Speaker 3 bullshit I have going on. That's the kind of demons I have in my head that I would actually look up all of those cities and then chart them on a map just to occupy my fucking brain.

Speaker 3 And then once I checked them off, you know, I'd have to fight sending it to my agent

Speaker 3 and be like, all right, this is the next thing that I'm going to focus on so I can keep coming out here. I'm going to try to go to the rest of the cities in the Johnny Cash song.

Speaker 3 Because I already did like all the sports arenas. I still have a few left.
Fucking hockey keeps adding teams. All I had left was Carolina and fucking Utah.

Speaker 3 And now I got, not Utah, sorry, Seattle. And now they added a team in Utah.
So

Speaker 3 I got that shit to do, too. So anyway.

Speaker 3 Is that it? I think that's it. I think that's the podcast, everybody.
All right. So

Speaker 3 that shit I was babbling about,

Speaker 3 you know, God bless your political opinions and where you think this country should be going. But for the love of God,

Speaker 3 wherever you sit, you are not helping this country going online and trying to upset people

Speaker 3 or trying to politicize everything

Speaker 3 or, you know, thinking that if you go on there and

Speaker 3 you just

Speaker 3 say your political opinion. All you're doing is you're dividing us.
You're dividing the locker room. And whether you know it or not, those people you're trying to piss off

Speaker 3 or the people that you fucking hate or you want to rub their nose in it because

Speaker 3 your color tie went over that one, you're making this place worse.

Speaker 3 And if you really love this country, you would stop doing that.

Speaker 3 And maybe, I don't know, you can focus on the handful of people that are the reason why we're at each other's fucking throats. All right, I'm off my freckled tree stump.

Speaker 3 Okay?

Speaker 3 All right. Enjoy the music, and then we're going to have a bonus episode of the Thursday afternoon, just before Friday, Monday morning podcast.
Don't be a cunt on the internet. All right.

Speaker 1 Give it up for Chicago.

Speaker 2 Sebastian Meniscalco's new stand-up special, It Ain't Right, is coming to Hulu on November 21st.

Speaker 1 30 years ago, Jeff Bezos, complete nerd. Bezos now ripped to shreds on his super yacht, And the boxes keep coming.

Speaker 2 Sebastian Maniscalco, It Ain't Right. Premieres November 21st, streaming on Hulu and Hulu on Disney Plus for bundle subscribers.

Speaker 1 Terms apply.

Speaker 4 Hey, what's going on?

Speaker 1 It's Bill Burr and it's time for the Monday morning podcast for Monday, November 21st, 2016. What's going on? How are you?

Speaker 1 How's it going? Oh,

Speaker 1 i'm doing good man i hope you guys are doing oh it's a holiday weekend doobie doobie do

Speaker 1 in school to leap bop you only have to work three days unless your boss is a fucking cunt

Speaker 1 there's always other ones too or if you're fucking self-employed

Speaker 1 or if you're not happy with your home life you'll come up with a reason right to go back into work just to fucking avoid it.

Speaker 1 Yeah, you know what? This year, because we've been getting the fucking kitchen done, we don't have time to cook or anything.

Speaker 1 So we're actually going to friend's house for Thanksgiving, which is great because

Speaker 1 they live in the same city as us, so we don't have to go to the fucking airport, right? All these fucking people waddling around, you know, those people.

Speaker 1 Just oblivious of other people.

Speaker 1 You know what's a great fucking human being, just totally being all about yourself, oblivious moment, is when fucking people, you know, there's a whole herd of people just riding down an escalator.

Speaker 1 And people, like, the second they step off it, they don't keep walking and get the fuck out of the way. They just, they're just all fucking oblivious.
It's like

Speaker 1 you were just on the escalator.

Speaker 1 There's 50 people in front of you, 100 people behind you. Touchdown, fucking Redskins.

Speaker 1 Sorry, I got the game on. What a fucking throw.
What the fuck is going on with the Packers this year, man?

Speaker 1 I don't fucking get it.

Speaker 1 Anyway, sorry about the screaming there. You know, you got 50 people in front of you, you got 100 fucking people behind you, you know, and people are getting off.

Speaker 1 They're kind of meandering, and you're on the escalator thinking, go, go, get out of the way before we all fall down on each other. Right?

Speaker 1 If you're any sort of a thinking human being going like, oh, assessing the problem. Well,

Speaker 1 in fucking eight seconds, when I become that person, I'm going to get the fuck out of the way.

Speaker 1 So whoever the fuck is 20 people behind me will not be having this panic moment because of me.

Speaker 1 Gonna become part of the solution.

Speaker 1 Not the fucking problem, right?

Speaker 1 I don't even know what I'm talking about at this point. I can't even remember the point I was trying to make.

Speaker 1 But what, oh, I know what I'm saying. Yeah, the kind of fucking people like, you know, what was that talk? I was talking, Thanksgiving.
That's right, right? So we're going to fucking people.

Speaker 1 I have no idea what point is. You know what I mean? I just said a bunch of shit.
I hope it was funny because God knows there was no point.

Speaker 1 And I think that actually is the point of the Monday morning podcast. For all you people out there,

Speaker 1 who tend to take it unbelievably seriously, those of you out there who think that I influenced the fucking election, isn't that hilarious? Seven billion dollars was spent

Speaker 1 to get Trump and all these fucking people a chance to get elected. But that all goes out the window the second some fuckhead who can't even read out loud

Speaker 1 does a podcast. All out the window.
I'll tell you, if that's true,

Speaker 1 I'm going to start charging more for my fucking advertising. You know what I mean? Maybe I'll use that as a selling point in 2017.
Evidently, I was the reason Trump got into fucking office. Oh, Jesus.

Speaker 1 Hey, Trump supporters, you liking what you're seeing so far? Huh? You liking these fucking, you know, you thought Trump was old. Look at the fucking people he surrounded himself with.

Speaker 1 Jesus Christ, if they're not in a Nazi fucking movie, they're like 450 fucking years old. Rudy Giuliani.

Speaker 1 This is like when some old hair metal band gets back together again thinking they're going to put out a fucking relevant album. You're not.
It's over. You had your time.
It's fucking done.

Speaker 1 You know what I mean?

Speaker 1 These guys are going to get the fucking band back together and start singing about what?

Speaker 1 Huh? Girls in a strip club and the devil.

Speaker 1 Maybe the PMRC or whatever the fuck people used to sing about back in the day. I don't pretend to know.

Speaker 1 You know, we were fucked either way, all these fucking people. By the way, I got to give a shout out to somebody,

Speaker 1 what's her name, from Cosmopolitan Magazine, Laura Beck, calling out SNL for the horseshit that

Speaker 1 was that opening. Completely agreed when they were singing that the woman who plays Clinton, Hillary Clinton played Alleluia.

Speaker 1 And it was kind of confusing. Like, was this a tribute to fucking Leonard Cohen dying? Or was this a political fucking statement?

Speaker 1 And she kind of called him out going did you guys have Trump as a fucking host while he was running for president and all of a sudden you know you helped promote the guy didn't you I mean shit if I did by trashing both fucking people right she actually said it was bullshit it was fucking hilarious it's a great read I'll give you guys a

Speaker 1 a link to it but I mean it's a TV show that's what they do they did that to a buddy of mine they did that to fucking Dane Cook they had him fucking host it twice he made him a bunch of fucking money with high ratings and then all of a sudden there's a little blip on the fucking internet.

Speaker 1 You know, tide turns a little bit, and then they use him as a fucking cheap joke when

Speaker 1 he wasn't even on the show. That's what they do over there.
That's what they do in this business. They're not your fucking friends.

Speaker 1 See, that's why, you know, what you do, you stay where I stay, right in my little cave. You do a podcast by yourself, and then no one can hurt you.

Speaker 1 Anyways,

Speaker 1 so I,

Speaker 1 every time I do a stand-up special,

Speaker 1 you know, it ends up being a little bit too long, at least the last couple ones. So you start thinking, what if you take this out here? What if you do a little fucking thing here?

Speaker 1 And you end up fucking the whole thing up. What you really have to do is you just got it, you got to cut off a limb.
You know, you got to remove a kidney. Basically, you just got to take out a chunk.

Speaker 1 And I figured out what chunk it was going to be, or I had an idea that that's what I wanted. And then the director Jay had the same idea.
We took it out and it flows. And it went from a

Speaker 1 too long of a special. Now it's like fucking perfect.
And now we're going to,

Speaker 1 and all I've seen at this point is just the raw

Speaker 1 feed of it. So it's not even like an HD and it looks way overlit.
And I might fucking pasty goddamn whitehead. I look like an asshole and it still looks like a good special.
So I'm very excited.

Speaker 1 I got that done. F is for Family Second Season.
We're starting to fucking,

Speaker 1 you know, tighten these things down for the final fucking edit.

Speaker 1 And

Speaker 1 then next month, I'm going to start the process of what should be a quick edit, is editing the audio from what I did Madison Square Garden a year ago for the New York Comedy Festival. Sorry, hiccups.

Speaker 1 New York Comedy Festival. I didn't almost get emotional there.
New York Comedy Festival.

Speaker 1 And then once I get all that shit done, right, then I'm just like done.

Speaker 1 I'm done. I can just enjoy the rest of the fucking year.
I got nothing to do, really, right?

Speaker 1 And then

Speaker 1 it starts all over again in January. You know?

Speaker 1 It'd be nice if I did cardio for the rest of the week and just, you know, then I can fucking throw down. That's another good thing about going to somebody's place for the holidays.

Speaker 1 They got to clean up. You know, you don't leave with a bunch of fucking food.
It's going to be good.

Speaker 1 I'm excited about it. But Nia wants me to make this fucking stuff.
And I knew she wouldn't let me just go over there. It's like, why can't I just be the 12-pack guy? You know, that's the best guy.

Speaker 1 You put on a sweater, right? You go over there, you make people fucking laugh. You show up with like a 12 or fucking whatever.
Whatever the fuck you want.

Speaker 1 You know, I tried this IPA lately, and I'm really not an IPA guy. I go in and out of that shit.
I usually just drink shit that's considered white trash beer.

Speaker 1 And because I just like getting fucked up, you know, I'm not into the taste. I just want to get fucked up, right? And I know what you guys are saying.

Speaker 1 Well, those IPAs have a fucking high alcohol content. I don't give a shit.
They're fucking, they're heavy.

Speaker 1 Fucking heavy as hell. But I tried this one.
It was called the Green Line, and I got it. I don't even, because they only had a couple

Speaker 1 beers at this place. It was this foofy fucking place, and I just wanted a beer.
And that's one of the only ones they had. I actually really liked it.

Speaker 1 It reminded me of living in Boston, fucking going out to fucking Chestnut Hill. And the Green Line, dude, Kenmore Square, go to the fucking Sox.

Speaker 1 Rich Gedman, dude. He's an ex-Carlton Fisk.

Speaker 1 Gary Allenson.

Speaker 1 Oh, Jesus. There's a couple of Red Sox names from way back in the day.
Anyways,

Speaker 1 I tried that shit. I actually really liked it.
And I don't even want to, guys, I'm just fucking talking in circles because I haven't been home. I haven't been to my house in like fucking two months.

Speaker 1 And I've had it.

Speaker 1 Me and Nia have been living on top of each other. And, you know,

Speaker 1 I don't know about her, but I'm pretty sick of us.

Speaker 1 Being this close to one another. So

Speaker 1 hopefully Tuesday we get back in the fucking place. Oh, nice fucking throw.
Aaron Rodgers over the top.

Speaker 1 DB complaining, Sandy fucking pushed off. Of course you're going to say that.
That's what you say when a guy fucking,

Speaker 1 when a tight end beats you that deep is a fucking corner. How the hell does that happen? How do you let that happen? I ask you guys.

Speaker 1 He pushed him within five yards.

Speaker 1 I think that was all right.

Speaker 1 Anyways, how about those Bruins, huh? Handling Winnipeg. I was all nervous.
They're the top two scorers in the league. What do we do? We put fucking three of them, three goals in the second period.

Speaker 1 Right, who scored? Fucking Mashan, fucking Bergie

Speaker 1 Belski, whatever the fuck his name is.

Speaker 1 And then I don't know who the fucks. We actually went up 4-0, won 4-1.
That's another thing. When I get back, I got my Bruins and Celtics package.

Speaker 1 I can start watching that shit so I can really start boring you guys with the sports talk.

Speaker 1 You know, I didn't see the Patriots game today because I've been running around. I haven't been spending time with my wife, so I took her out someplace today.

Speaker 1 She'll come on later.

Speaker 1 Tell you all about it.

Speaker 1 But all I know is it's the usual shit. All my fucking friends who are Pats fans, like, dude, why'd we trade Chandler Jones? Why'd we get rid of Jamie Collins, our fucking defense stinks, dude?

Speaker 1 So I think it was, you know, what should have been an easy game, I guess, evidently wasn't. But I didn't see any of that.
I watched the boxing, though.

Speaker 1 Who the fuck, that Russian guy, that Igor Lari Aranov? Was that his fucking name? Whoever was a real hacky Russian name. It was Sergei Kovalev,

Speaker 1 which is like every Russian guy in the NHL. He's either his first name is Sergei or his last name is Kovalev.
That's really like the John Smith of Russian names. So he's fighting this American dude.

Speaker 1 So I got to go for the fucking American. And

Speaker 1 I got to tell you something.

Speaker 1 The fucking first fucking round, all right, Igor Lari Aronov comes out and he fucking punches Andre Reid. Is that the guy's name or is that the guy in the Bills? I can't fucking remember.

Speaker 1 I'm not a big boxing fan. I love the sport.
I love it, but it's been ruined. It's been ruined because every three pounds is a new weight class that has yet another fucking champion.

Speaker 1 And then there's like 15 different fucking boxing federations. It's a shit show.
Like there's more boxing divisions than there are podcasts.

Speaker 1 And I'll tell you, that's saying something because there's a lot of them out there.

Speaker 1 You know what I mean? When I was a kid,

Speaker 1 it was like flyweight.

Speaker 1 It was like flyweight, featherweight, middleweight,

Speaker 1 welterweight, heavyweight, something like that. I can't remember.
I can't remember the fucking divisions.

Speaker 1 Now I have things like, there's like 15 offshoots of each one of them. You know what? It's like those superhero movies.
Like back in the day, like Superman was in a Superman movie.

Speaker 1 Batman was in a Batman. They didn't fucking know each other.

Speaker 1 They weren't all hanging out at the same place. Maybe on the Super Friends they were.

Speaker 1 Super friends they did at the Hall of Justice. But they only did that.
They did that when they drew it. But they never had that in movies.
You know what I mean? Superman was Christopher Reeves.

Speaker 1 That was his fucking shit.

Speaker 1 And

Speaker 1 see, Batman, right?

Speaker 1 Who'd they have? They had Michael Keaton. Remember that?

Speaker 1 And he was all sweaty in the locker room with just a towel around him wearing the bat mask and he got in the face of Val Kilmer and he was like that's right Iceman I am dangerous and then Val said clicked his fucking teeth together and then they all played volleyball you know and then they were playing volleyball Aquaman didn't come out of the ocean did he you know what I mean

Speaker 1 looking at Batman being like take my breath away

Speaker 1 doo-doo doo

Speaker 1 you know Kelly McGillis gets in her invisible jet I can't remember the I can't believe the fucking names I remember from that movie I saw that movie a bunch of times that was was one that I owned on VHS.

Speaker 1 I was in high school and everybody went and wanted to get a fucking ninja motorcycle and fucking fly F-16s, you know, inverted. We all thought we were going to do that.

Speaker 1 You know, there's every once in a while like a movie comes out and you're like, you know what? I'm going to fucking do that. Right?

Speaker 1 And then what happens? You know what happens? Geometry. Algebra 2 and Trig, all of that happens.
And then you're like, oh, oh, wait a minute. Wait,

Speaker 1 I think I was going to fly Jets. Is that what I thought was going to happen? Oh, I'm sorry.
I'm going to be a salesman.

Speaker 1 You know, I make people laugh. You know,

Speaker 1 I come into a room. I make people feel good.
Well, you got a product? I'll do it.

Speaker 1 Are you sick of cutting potatoes like this? What if you had that?

Speaker 1 I like the guy with the John Riggins fucking jersey in the crowd at the Redskins game, man. 44 was always a badass fucking number.
That was always a fullback number when I was growing up.

Speaker 1 John Riggins, Robert Newhouse, you know,

Speaker 1 Chuck Foreman, I think he was a running back. Was he 44? That was a badass fucking number.
Reggie Jackson,

Speaker 1 you know, no, this guy starks. He's got a live.
That's a fucking legendary number. I wonder how many fucking

Speaker 1 Hall of Famers were 44.

Speaker 1 I fucked that. How many fucking just like skirts were 44? Not a lot.
Everybody ever wore 44 was a tough motherfucker, right? I like to think.

Speaker 1 John Riggins broke my heart, man, because I was a big-time Cowboys fan back then.

Speaker 1 How about them Cowboys? When they kicked out Tom Landry and Tech Schramm, that was just the worst. You know, I thought Tom Landry was going to be there forever.
You know, I was young. I didn't know.

Speaker 1 I didn't know people get old and it passes them by. It's fucked up, right?

Speaker 1 And

Speaker 1 I hated the fucking Redskins for beating the Cowboys so much that when they were in that Super Bowl, I actually rooted for the Dolphins.

Speaker 1 And I hated the fucking Dolphins because we could never beat them. And

Speaker 1 when Riggins broke through the line, and whoever the fuck that was on the Dolphins that came by and just grabbed him by the waist and slid down him like a greased fucking pole, and he just kept running.

Speaker 1 It killed me. Was it AJ Dewey?

Speaker 1 I don't fucking remember. Anyways,

Speaker 1 how much time have I done here? Is it time for the fucking read yet? I don't think so.

Speaker 1 Hey, Nia.

Speaker 1 You want to come in here and tell people about your day?

Speaker 1 I got to tell you this shit, right? So I haven't been, you know,

Speaker 1 I've been fucking busting my ass. You know, I was getting ready to do the special and then editing all that bullshit I talked about earlier.

Speaker 1 So, you know, if you don't spend time with your wife, all of a sudden your wife gets all upset with you. Like, oh, you don't spend time with me and boo-hoo-hoo.
I have fucking needs. Hey, Nia.

Speaker 1 Who are you talking about? I'm just, I'm doing a character. What the fuck did I I do with the microphone? There's the microphone.
There's the microphone. All right.
Hello. Talk to me.
Hello.

Speaker 1 Talk to me, goose. Hello.

Speaker 1 So, anyways, yeah, I haven't been spending time with you, so I figured today, you know what, I got to do something.

Speaker 1 I got to do something. So

Speaker 1 I took my wife to go see Casablanca today while the Patriots were on. I got to get credit for that, okay?

Speaker 1 So

Speaker 1 I thought it was at this old theater. I was telling you you about these guys on,

Speaker 1 I think Thursday, I was telling them about it. Like there were all these old theaters out here that I'm obsessed with where they had the Oscars throughout the years.

Speaker 1 I just think of all the great comedians and actors and directors and everything that have been on them. I love that sense of history, right? So you got the Pantages.

Speaker 1 You got the fucking Who's and What's out in Santa Monica, Kodak Theater, all these fucking places. So

Speaker 1 I just remember that one from the 80s that I always saw. I guess it was in downtown LA.
Maybe that's the one down the other way. I don't fucking know.

Speaker 1 But I just looked them them up and I was like, you know what? I'd love to do maybe a show there or I might want to do,

Speaker 1 you know, just go to something. And I looked up that one downtown and it said there was just a bunch of orchestras there.
And then it said it was Casablanca. I'm like, I fucking love Humphrey Bogart.

Speaker 1 I'll take Nia to go see that shit. So we go down.

Speaker 1 And of course, we show up in the theater I want to go into. There's nobody there.

Speaker 1 They're like, oh, yeah.

Speaker 1 Yeah, it's not here. It's at the theater next door.
This little old couple So you go up and I'm we're walking around the theater. It's completely deserted

Speaker 1 I'm already starting to curse up a fucking storm. Yeah, Bill's already getting hot.
I'm going fuck that. I was on the fucking website.
I looked it up. I looked it up twice.

Speaker 1 I did. I looked it up twice.
There's a little old couple

Speaker 1 who were walking with their little bonnets on because it was raining outside. Yep.

Speaker 1 Bill asked, like, is this where they're having the movie? I was a little more frantic than that. Yeah.

Speaker 1 Like, you guys coming for the movie? You're old.

Speaker 1 And that was my energy. You said, oh, it's across the street at

Speaker 1 the concert hall.

Speaker 1 And you had a, you're one of your classic.

Speaker 1 You made the mistake. And so you started having a little meltdown.
I didn't make a mistake because if you look the fucking theater up and you look at

Speaker 1 the calendar. Okay.
And it says it was at the Dorothy Chandler Pavilion. No, you click on calendar events and then it just, it lists and it lists that.

Speaker 1 But I think the same person owns the theater. It's very fucking, you know, it's like buying a car.
Yeah, we got it this lot and all of a sudden you're down the street. It's like you're at Goodfellas.

Speaker 1 Yeah, a little further down. I don't know, Jimmy, I think I'll pick it up tomorrow.
That's what they did to me. Well, anyway, it was across the street at the Walt Disney Concert Theater.

Speaker 1 It was a symphony-looking thing that looked like a fucking exploded golf. It's designed by Frank Gehry.
It's like one of the most impressive. It's like the drummer from Extreme, isn't it?

Speaker 1 No, it's a very famous famous architect. If you don't like

Speaker 1 what you see here,

Speaker 1 get the funk out.

Speaker 1 What? Get the funk out, get the funk out, get the funk out. What are you saying? We won't try to.
It's one of the whitest trying-to-be-funky songs ever. Get the funk out.

Speaker 1 That one, and then there's the

Speaker 1 something. Big John is my name.
Anyway, this building. This is my game.
It's one of the worst things. This building was one of the most impressive, you know, pieces of architecture in Los Angeles.

Speaker 1 It's a beautifully designed space. And Bill was just like,

Speaker 1 I couldn't help but laugh at you because you were just muttering and cursing and stomping around in the rain.

Speaker 1 Like, I didn't want to go into this one. I want to go into this theater.

Speaker 1 I want to see this one. I hate that super modern shit.
I've done shows in those stupid symphony fucking things.

Speaker 1 You feel like you're in front of like the council in one of those Superman movies where you're like down, they're all fucking up above you and they're behind you. I fucking hate those things.

Speaker 1 So I was like, I don't want to fucking go into this thing. So I end up showing, but it's like, I got to take her to this thing.
It's fucking raining out. So

Speaker 1 Nia's all like, well, we'll go to that theater another time when it's a different event. I'm trying to like calm you down because it's now we're going to another building.
No big deal.

Speaker 1 You know, we're going to go see. And then what happened? We go.

Speaker 1 So we show up and I go, hey, can I get, and I literally said to you, go, now we're going to fucking go to this stupid ass fucking theater. It's probably in some small room.

Speaker 1 It's going to be you, me, and four other old people. And

Speaker 1 the movie's almost ready to start, right? So we fucking show up,

Speaker 1 and

Speaker 1 I go up to the booth and I go,

Speaker 1 yeah, I need two tickets to Casablanca. And the person's like, oh, I don't know if there's any tickets left.

Speaker 1 And I'm like, what are you talking about? It's raining. It's Sunday.
Football's on. This fucking movie's like 80 years old.
Nick, who's going to come see you? You're like, well, I don't know.

Speaker 1 I got a check, right? And then she finally goes, Well, you can't, actually, we found two. And I'm like, thank Christ.

Speaker 1 Trying to do something romantic here. It's not at the right fucking theater.
Now they're going to be sold out. She goes, you got to go down two windows.
So I say, fine. I kept my cool there.

Speaker 1 There. Right? The rain had rained enough on my steaming head that I walked over.
It cools you off a little bit. Cooled me off a little bit.
And I walk over and I go, let me get two. And they go, okay.

Speaker 1 And then the guy goes, okay, that's going to be $161.

Speaker 1 Right. I go, $161.
He goes, each. And we both were like, wait, what are you talking about? What are you talking about? So it turned out...
No way. So this is what it turned out.
It turns out.

Speaker 1 I think this is way too loud here. I got to turn this down here.
It turns out that

Speaker 1 what was happening was the LA Philharmonic was going to be playing the film score while you watched the movie. It turns out this was a major LA cultural event that was basically sold out.

Speaker 1 Bill thought it was just going to be a movie.

Speaker 1 It's a screening for

Speaker 1 a few old people and us. It turns out it's this major event.
Everybody's got on like sport coats and fucking dresses and shit. All dressed up.
I'm sitting there in my wet hoodie

Speaker 1 going on. $161?

Speaker 1 What the fuck?

Speaker 1 Humphrey Bogart in there? What the fuck's going on, right? We

Speaker 1 view the body. Aaron Eckhart introduces the fucking movie.
Yeah, so you know when you just don't give a shit? I just said, fuck it. So I light up the card and I go, let's go in there.

Speaker 1 And then I start getting this feeling of like, this might be,

Speaker 1 this might be fucking amazing. And then there's all these ushers walking around hitting these things that are going, boom,

Speaker 1 boom, boom, like letting people know that, you know, that whole like, you don't want to disturb rich white people that things are about ready to start, whatever that fucking instrument is called.

Speaker 1 And they fucking go in there.

Speaker 1 We go in there and and like it's like holy shit like we're gonna listen to the LA Philharmonic while we watched Casablanca and how fucking great was it? It was amazing.

Speaker 1 It was such an awesome experience. So Bill kind of

Speaker 1 fumbled his way into a really amazing study. Romantic Day.
And I get no credit. I get no credit because I picked the wrong fucking theater.
I just totally stumped.

Speaker 1 So I can't even be like, huh, you see that? With the orchestra. I picked that out on purpose.
I completely didn't.

Speaker 1 Well, I feel like you definitely get points for you seeing that you saw something cultural going on. You're like, oh, that sounds cool.
Like, Nini would like that.

Speaker 1 And we went and it turned out to be amazing. So

Speaker 1 it was great. Yeah, Aaron.
It was a Hail Mary. It wasn't even a Hail Mary.
It was just like the actor came out and introduced the movie. Oh, not the oil man?

Speaker 1 Is there another famous Aaron Eckhart? I don't know. Are you being sarcastic? I'm being a dick right now.
Was he in no country? Was he in no country of old men? He was in that. Get out of here, bitch.

Speaker 1 In the company of men.

Speaker 1 Was that him?

Speaker 1 And he was in Sully.

Speaker 1 Sully! Yeah, he had the mustache, yes, he was

Speaker 1 in that movie, he was in that movie, which

Speaker 1 that was a movie, that was a movie.

Speaker 1 They made up, they made evidently, they made up all of this other shit.

Speaker 1 That movie was so fucking boring. Can I just say that? You don't have to say it, I'll say it.
Ah, come on, it's Corn Eastwood, it was rapids in it, Jerry's in it.

Speaker 1 There's a bunch of our bunch of people.

Speaker 1 Yes, we have friends that are in that movie, but that's a Hollywood couple.

Speaker 1 Our friends are in it. That movie was so boring.
Because you know why? Because nobody, this sounds so terrible, but nobody died. Nobody got

Speaker 1 the cathedral like it was you. He nailed it.
He put it right where he was supposed to put it.

Speaker 1 Yeah, there's no...

Speaker 1 Okay, both my engines went out at 1,500 feet. Should I try to land it in the water or fly back over the most densely populated area in the United States? So he put it in the water.
Everyone survived.

Speaker 1 The whole thing took, in real life, 24 minutes for everyone to get rescued. It's like, what is the movie about?

Speaker 1 Well, they had to have them have, they got to have the evil corporate guys going, you couldn't save the jet.

Speaker 1 Yeah. Could you push some people out on the way over? It just wasn't exciting.
Tom Hanks is a wonderful actor. All the acting was great in it.
I want to see him play a serial killer.

Speaker 1 I'm so sick of him always being doing the right thing.

Speaker 1 That's not his brand. That's not Tom Hanks' brand.
He's not a serial killer. Did he die in Saving Private Ryan? Spoiler alert.
Remember, you were just sitting there firing at the tank.

Speaker 1 You never saw that? No.

Speaker 1 I'm not into those kind of movies. I'm not into war movies.
It's not a war movie.

Speaker 1 Saving Private Ryan is not about a war. No, it's not.
And soldiers that die in it? Well, I mean, that's literally what it is, but it's more of a metaphor. It is? Yeah.

Speaker 1 Saving Private Ryan is a metaphor for. It's a metaphor, yeah.
What is a metaphor for? Please explain.

Speaker 1 You don't even know what you're talking about. Do you even know what a metaphor is?

Speaker 1 It's an incredible fucking movie. All right.
I believe you. All right.
Okay.

Speaker 1 Well, you kind of just killed your credibility. To say Sally's boring, and then you're like, yeah, I'm not into war movies.

Speaker 1 Shaving Private Ryan is one of the most unbelievable fucking movies I ever saw. Why does that kill my credibility? Just because I didn't like Sally? Because I said so.
Oh, I see.

Speaker 1 That's how it works. One thing has to do with the other.
I don't know, Nia. You've been bugging me lately.
Why?

Speaker 1 Yeah, I don't know. I don't want to be a dick, but are you putting on weight? Excuse me? You're like putting on weight every fucking month.
You're getting bigger. And I keep telling you to fucking

Speaker 1 do something about it.

Speaker 1 I have a condition. You have a condition.
What is that condition? It makes me bigger and bigger every month. I'm having a baby.

Speaker 1 Yeah, the Laugh Factory fucking tweeted that out, so I guess we got to announce it. Yeah, I'm going to be a fucking father.
We're going to be parents, everybody.

Speaker 1 Are you so excited for us? Do you know know what it is they don't give a i'm actually

Speaker 1 i think

Speaker 1 people have been

Speaker 1 um people who have you know who you are who have already tweeted stay offline stay offline don't become that person i feel like people care listen why because it's gonna bring out all the people who have nasty things to say about it no because people have lives but people have been actually been very sweet

Speaker 1 What what? What? No, you know what it is? You're watching those fucking, those ladies screaming at each other too much and the ones where they they sit around.

Speaker 1 You know, one of the funny things I saw lately was when you had the fucking Kardashians on with the sound down.

Speaker 1 Yeah. So much of the footage is them just looking at each other with their fucking mouth kind of open like slack jarred because someone else is talking over the top.

Speaker 1 Just going, I just feel like when Mandy said to Sandy that she, you know, she couldn't go during the nose job trip, I felt that she was upset.

Speaker 1 And as the person's talking, they just cut to their faces. They're like,

Speaker 1 I can't, it's a visual. They look like those little pouty cats.
Okay.

Speaker 1 I mean, okay. Where did that come from? I don't know what that has to do with.
I don't know. I just want you to turn this into a Kelly Rippa moment, guys.
And this is what.

Speaker 1 Just makes me feel like, you know, I'm starting to understand why Michael Strahan left that show.

Speaker 1 So, anyways, yeah, it's official. It is confirmed.
All right.

Speaker 1 No, it is. And I'm just, I'm not going to be one of these fucking assholes.
You're very, though, you're like, you're begrudgingly talking about it. And I understand why.

Speaker 1 No, because I fucking hate parents. You hate parents? I hate, like, why? The ones on,

Speaker 1 you know, this is the hardest fucking job. Yeah.
The most rewarding job. Like, blah, blah, blah.
And, you know, and then they all say it. They all fuck.

Speaker 1 Even like Chuck Yeager would say some shit like that.

Speaker 1 It's like, really, dude, flying a fucking jet up into space, like trying to get a kid's fucking backpack on for first grade is more difficult than what the fuck you just went through up there.

Speaker 1 You know what I mean? I think that they placate to fucking, is that the right word? To Joe's six-pack, where they gotta be like, but the real heroes. Pander.
Pander.

Speaker 1 The real people, the real heroes out there. The people out there.
They're there. They're making the tuna fish sandwiches.
They're cutting it into four fucking pieces.

Speaker 1 You had sex and you didn't use protection. That's what you did.
And now here you are. All right.
You're not Tom Hanks pretending to land a fucking plane into the Hudson River. Okay, you did.

Speaker 1 It's not exactly the miracle on the Hudson. No.

Speaker 1 So old Billy Boozbag's going to get a couple more rights and lefts in before the little one comes, and then I'm going to be, I got to be, I got to be so, I got to pick my spots then. Is that the idea?

Speaker 1 Is that what's been happening? That you've just going to go on like a little bit of a bender? Yeah, I've been on a bender the whole fucking year.

Speaker 1 And then when the baby comes, you're going to just like cut yourself off? Yeah, I mean, what am I going to do? I'm going to be fucking hungover and be that guy? No, I hope not.

Speaker 1 Yeah, no, I'm not gonna do that. No, it's over.
It's done. But then I got all this great hooch back at the house, so I gotta kill it.
I gotta kill it before it comes.

Speaker 1 What do you mean you have to like drink all the alcohol before the baby comes? It's not like you're never gonna have a drink. Well, I gotta make space for like fucking sippy cups and shit, don't I?

Speaker 1 Wordle, whirdle, whirdle. Sucking my bottles down.
They're not gonna go on the bar.

Speaker 1 So you don't have to worry about making space for you. Well, you know what? I'll save some of my Pappy Van Winkles.

Speaker 1 The most spoiled kid ever. When the baby's teething, I'll rub Pappy Van Winkles on its fucking gums.
Yeah, isn't that what you're supposed to do?

Speaker 1 I don't know. I don't know.
Because that's an old school thing. But I'm already going to do this shit.
Like, every time the kid cries, I'm not fucking going in there.

Speaker 1 There's this great book that I read on Norwegian.

Speaker 1 parenting that says that you know when the kid starts crying you just you you just kind of you know you creep up to the the bed and then you kind of look in You just go,

Speaker 1 knock it off.

Speaker 1 And then that's it. You scare the shit out of it, and it understands what's going on.
You're making fun of what I told you was in the book that I'm reading. By the way, it's 29-24 fucking Washington.

Speaker 1 Green Bay just scored. This is a great game.
This reminds me of one of those old San Diego Chadji games. Are you watching the football game while you're doing the podcast? Well, I don't know.

Speaker 1 I just thought

Speaker 1 that's not a push in the back. Get the fuck out of it.

Speaker 1 Anyways, what were we talking about? Oh, yeah, having a kid.

Speaker 1 only the biggest moment in our relationship ever you know no big deal well let's see what happens

Speaker 1 yes we've been going to like fucking lamas classes and shit jesus christ

Speaker 1 the classes have been great the classes have been great

Speaker 1 but this just this is how far the fucking progressive left has gone there's a fucking line for when she comes in it says mom will you sign up and me i'm thinking finally name of mother name of mother and then i'm like and then my call i'm like i'm finally gonna to be called a dad after almost living on this planet for half a fucking century.

Speaker 1 And it just says partner.

Speaker 1 Fucking ridiculous. And what kills me is everybody in there, heterosexual, all in a fucking relationship.
Everybody there was, was, there was all straight couples.

Speaker 1 Straight couples, and all the dads were there. Yeah, yeah, that's true.
And then she keeps going coaches, coaches. She keeps calling them coaches.

Speaker 1 I swear to God, dude, I'm going to show up with a fucking whistle next week.

Speaker 1 No fucking Bill Belichick hoodie and shit. What the fuck are you talking about?

Speaker 1 She said daddy. I get

Speaker 1 class.

Speaker 1 She's probably going to get in trouble. She said dad twice last class.
I didn't hear it. I'm just going to die.
Yeah, because you're too busy muttering under your breath about it.

Speaker 1 Every time she says coaches, I say fathers.

Speaker 1 We're fathers. I'm not trying to cut out gay people or people who got banged behind a fucking Carls Jr.

Speaker 1 You know what I mean? But what about us?

Speaker 1 That's the solution? I thought it's inclusive. You're supposed to include people.
I'll take second or third billing behind alternative people.

Speaker 1 What did you think of that birthing video that we watched the last class? Oh, Paulie's placenta.

Speaker 1 Yeah, that was tremendous.

Speaker 1 I don't even know why I'm there, Nia.

Speaker 1 It's all going to go out the fucking window. The doctors and nurses are going to tell you what to do.
I'm just there for you to fucking yell at me. It's so fucking stupid.

Speaker 1 If I was going through gallbladder surgery or whatever, you would not be in there holding my fucking hand. It's so dumb.
This is just classic, you guys. You know,

Speaker 1 you got the shit end of the stick on this thing, and somehow you figured out a way to drag us in there. I'll tell you right now, I'm staying north of that fucking sheet.
Yeah, yeah.

Speaker 1 And when that guy comes in and goes, hey,

Speaker 1 hey, you want to hook up your own cable? No, I don't. That's what the fuck I'm paying you for.
I don't want you to be below the blanket. Below deck? You don't need to be below deck.

Speaker 1 So I'm going to have performance problems for the next three months because I keep picturing my kid's head coming out of your twat? No, I'm not doing that. I shouldn't be in there.

Speaker 1 Am I fucking in mash?

Speaker 1 You said after you, no, but you said after you watched the movie, you leaned over to me and you said, I understand now why the guy is in there. You did something.
Yeah, to get yelled at. No,

Speaker 1 that's not what it was. It was to provide comfort.

Speaker 1 You're killing my fucking image here, okay? Stop showing me. Fuck your image.

Speaker 1 Dad, now get over it.

Speaker 1 Fuck your image.

Speaker 1 No, so I'm going to be, yeah, I'm going to be a sober dad, but on the road, oh, I'm ripping it up, you know?

Speaker 1 Yeah. Oh, just like every other comic out there, you fucking hack.

Speaker 1 I told you my last podcast, I was going for a Boston accent word, and I realized that I was going to get in trouble if I said it, so that I had to switch to cunts.

Speaker 1 I was like, all right, I'll talk to you later. Oh, yeah.
You fucking kwants.

Speaker 1 Fucking Ben Ben Bailey looks at me. He's like, quants.
I was like, yeah.

Speaker 1 It's a new day. I'm going to get in trouble if I say I don't mean anything by it.

Speaker 1 So,

Speaker 1 don't end up like Kanye and have everybody be mad at you. Oh, he's going to be fine.
He knows what the fuck he's doing.

Speaker 1 He was yelling. I mean, I'll be honest with you, I don't understand those shows anyways.
There's no band.

Speaker 1 Everybody's standing with their cell phones on, and there's somebody rapping, and then they're just sticking them.

Speaker 1 It's for young kids, they love it. And I'm not going to go there like, you think this is music? I'm not going to be that guy.

Speaker 1 Stay away from them. I'm going to go see Casablanca in the rain with a bunch of old people.
By the way, Nia,

Speaker 1 did you see during the break those old people trying to walk? Holy fucking shit. I cannot stress stretching and getting a massage if you can afford to do it once a month.

Speaker 1 Jeez, and there was a lot. A lot of hunched over people.
Yeah, a lot of people roughly my fucking age, too, having limps and shit. Like, what the fuck do you guys do?

Speaker 1 You know, look, some of them probably fought in a fucking war. Who's kidding who? But I'm just saying, generally speaking, you know what I mean? I know.
Maybe we should give them a break.

Speaker 1 Dude, they didn't all fight in a fucking war. You know what I mean? They weren't all on the front lines, is what I'm saying.

Speaker 1 A lot of those people were peeling potatoes, and they're still fucking limping. That makes no sense.
All right, let me

Speaker 1 read a little bit of advertising. Peeling potatoes in this peeling potatoes there.

Speaker 1 All right. All right.
You want to answer a few questions before we get the fuck out of here sure before we get the fuck out of here

Speaker 1 uh what's the score to the game there right I didn't buy myself that watch that I have by the way huh I didn't say you did

Speaker 1 you just taking the bait knee I'm just breaking your fucking ovaries over there

Speaker 1 what is the score to the fucking game I'll just show them the highlights all right hey there Billy Clairvoyant You probably didn't notice this because I doubt you listen back to your own podcast, but there have been throwback parallels.

Speaker 1 I actually listen to my podcast as I upload them. I'm just listening to them, you know.

Speaker 1 I don't know why I do. He loves the sound of his own voice.

Speaker 1 That's not true. I've learned to love it.
When you first hear your own voice, you don't like it. Now, I can't live without it.

Speaker 1 I work around with headphones in my house just listening to my own podcast.

Speaker 1 When Andrew cuts together the clips, he uses the same date from eight years ago. Last Thursday was from November 17th, 2008.
Oh, he told me he does that. That's cool.

Speaker 1 He said in that episode, you made a reference to Cash Cab,

Speaker 1 which was hosted by your guest this week, Ben Bailey. Also, a couple weeks ago, when you first mentioned watching Westworld, the throwback clip had you mention the original Westworld.

Speaker 1 Once again, eight years ago to the day. Yeah, back then, that's when I wanted to buy the rights to it.
Until I realized it was zillions of dollars. And I was like, oh,

Speaker 1 forget it.

Speaker 1 Bye-bye, everybody.

Speaker 1 And I had my whole representation all excited. Like, is he going to do something like this? We're gonna get a piece of this, and I was like, Oh, that's too much money.

Speaker 1 Um, he said, I'll be on the lookout for more of these in hopes to exploit your magic. Love you, love Nia.

Speaker 1 Well, that's all love you too, Boo. That's all due to

Speaker 1 what's his face, uh, Andrew. Andrew, like, I think he tries to find like the parallel.

Speaker 1 So, that's his homework, not mine. All right, Thanksgiving recipe.
Hey, there, Billy White Meat.

Speaker 1 I like that. Billy White Meat.

Speaker 4 Bill Burr, the other white meat.

Speaker 1 The other white meat.

Speaker 1 Hey there, Billy White Meat. What are you going to teach us to cook this year? If I don't get another cooking video like the Pie Crust Masterpiece, I'm boycotting the season.

Speaker 1 I'm the single one of my siblings, and last year I showed up with the pie and waited till everyone was done to let them know I made it.

Speaker 1 Then I showed them your video, and we had some full, fully belly laughs. I think full belly laughs is what you want to say.

Speaker 1 Don't let me make, let my family down. Don't let me let my family down by letting me down.
Okay. God.
Thanks for all the free laughs.

Speaker 1 Hearing you get through that sentence. I know.

Speaker 1 My eyes are always 10 words ahead of what I can fucking remember. I think that's what happens.
Or maybe I'm just dumb.

Speaker 1 It's going to be sad when our kid's a better reader than me fucking six months in.

Speaker 1 Our baby's going to teach you how to read. He's going to read you a book at me.
Oh, yeah.

Speaker 1 Whenever I've read to to like my nieces and nephews, like there's a point when they stop looking at the book and they just turn around and look at me and then it's like more pressure and I'm literally reading like the rabbit goes hop, hop, hop, hop.

Speaker 1 It doesn't go hop, it hops. A cow goes moo.

Speaker 1 Maybe that helps you out there, fucking old and bald.

Speaker 1 Well, I feel like last year, like making a pie crust was like a real fucking skill that I had. Like I don't know what else to show you guys how to make.

Speaker 1 You know, if Nia lets me get this fucking griddle that I want to get. Oh, my God, this griddle.

Speaker 1 Oh, my God, this fucking griddle. It's like you love when I cook, but you don't want to, you don't want to, you know what I mean?

Speaker 1 It's like you like your freedom, but you don't want to see how it happens. You're the same way with food.
You know? Touchdown fucking Redskins. God damn it.

Speaker 1 Because I don't, what are you trying to do here? You're trying to get like every fucking invention that has to do with cooking or grilling or smoking or frying. You want to buy it.

Speaker 1 And it's just like where are we going to put all this shit okay let list all the shit that i've bought

Speaker 1 i'm not saying that you've bought it all i'm saying that you want to buy it all and why i do want to buy it all and why haven't i bought it all because there's no room for it and who determined that

Speaker 1 i mean oh another missed extra point

Speaker 1 Who determined that, Nia?

Speaker 1 You decided that. I thought it was a mutual.
It wasn't. All right.
I had a buddy of of mine who was going to hook me up with a smoker. A pellet smoker.
You said no.

Speaker 1 Well, because he tried to act like he told me it was the size of a typewriter. He was showing me a solid.
And then when he actually showed it to me, he was like, come here,

Speaker 1 let me show you what it looks like. And then I looked at it and I'm like, in what universe is this the size of a typewriter? It was the size of a reference.

Speaker 1 I said, it's a sewing, like a sewing machine. He goes, oh, yeah, yeah, it's more like a sewing machine.
I'm like, a sewing machine is not a typewriter. Can I tell you something, Nia?

Speaker 1 That's why guys guys are great. That's why I love that dude forever.
Because, you know, we do that for each other.

Speaker 1 I don't know if women do, I won't speak for you guys, but guys do that for each other.

Speaker 1 It's the size of a wall. We need a kitchen the size of his kitchen in order to do all the things that you want to do.

Speaker 1 Nia, it's a kitchen. It's a portable thing.
It's on fucking wheels. It's in the back.
But we got like three fucking tables in the backyard, and I can't get rid of any of them.

Speaker 1 Oh, there's tables for the fucking potato salad.

Speaker 1 You know? Every piece of furniture I put in the the backyard has a function, and we have used it

Speaker 1 in that function. That doesn't make any sense, but it does

Speaker 1 no. You're what you're doing is you've become the dictator of the fucking backyard.

Speaker 1 You're the woman. I own the backyard.
I own the fucking garage. If we had a basement, that's my shit.
You can have the rest of the fucking house. All right?

Speaker 1 So, what are you saying? I'm saying I'm getting that griddle. Okay.

Speaker 1 All right? Mm-hmm.

Speaker 1 Oh, Jesus Christ.

Speaker 1 Yeah, you're going to say that until I fucking make you a nice fucking steak and cheese or make some hash browns or make you a Grand Slam breakfast.

Speaker 1 I got my fucking things with the griddle. I got my fucking...
You've been making all those things without the griddle. Because I'm a talented guy.
Right, so exactly.

Speaker 1 So what do you need all this other stuff for if you're so talented? Because just imagine how good it would taste if I actually had a fucking griddle.

Speaker 1 Even those fucking stoves that have a griddle, if the thing sucks because it's one heat source. So you can't have differences.
You can't move it around. You can't play with your heat.
It sucks.

Speaker 1 It's like, this is the temperature. It's a pain in the fucking ass.
It's one thing if you got a pot or a pan, you can take it on the heat, take it off.

Speaker 1 When you're on your fucking griddle, you know, you want one on, one off, or maybe one a little bit on. Why don't you just get one of those little electric griddles?

Speaker 1 What am I, a freshman in college?

Speaker 1 What you can put on your counter. Well, when you divorce me.
Oh, that's too sad to say. If you ever do that.
Say that. If you ever do that, and I'll like that.
Why would you ever divorce?

Speaker 1 Because you're asking me as a grown fucking man to buy divorcee kitchen products.

Speaker 1 Fuck are you talking about? Divorce. Yeah, I'll go to McDonald's and grab some extra packets of ketchup for in the future when I need more ketchup.
I've done all that in here.

Speaker 1 I've used chairs for tables. I ate pasta all fucking day in pancakes.
I've done all that. Yes.
I'm done. Yes, we know.
Yeah. Yeah.
Yo, you sick of my self-made man shit? It annoys you, doesn't it?

Speaker 1 I would eat spaghetti with the prego and and the bread because it would fill me up and it would last me all night that's right do all my spots and I would eat pancakes because it kept me the most full when I was filled me up like cement and you know who I'm doing that for the fucking people out there women included who want to be want to fucking make something happen and food's a big thing because you got to fucking have it every day so you got to have that shit that fills you up all right listen don't let this little ray of sunshine fucking rain on your parade okay I'm here for all you guys I'm the positive guy I'm the motivational speaker hey speaking of motivational, what the fuck's going on with the P90X guy?

Speaker 1 Did he become a vegan or something? Well, first of all, he's not doing P90X anymore. He's got a different thing late night.
Yeah.

Speaker 1 Yeah, but now Tony Horton, he's looking a little like he's not doing his pull-ups anymore. He's getting older.

Speaker 1 He's looking like,

Speaker 1 I don't know, he's looking all veggie.

Speaker 1 Anyways, so I don't know what I'm going to make this year.

Speaker 1 I told you.

Speaker 1 Oh, you mean for the people? For this guy here. Yeah, Yeah, you want me to.
I'm not showing my family, secret family fucking recipe of the best stuffing you're ever going to have.

Speaker 1 Admit it, most people's stuffing fucking sucks. The stuffing that Bill makes, oh my god, it's so delicious.
And I've never had good stuff. That's the only stuffing I've ever had that I even like.

Speaker 1 It's me too. I don't ever like stuffing.
I don't roast it. It's too wet.
Or it has that bad aftertaste. Yeah, this is nice and crispy and like buttery.
Oh, it's so good.

Speaker 1 Yeah, like when you got that fucking barbecue the other night, you didn't like the cornbread. They put that weird ingredient in there?

Speaker 1 Ah!

Speaker 1 Fumble. You

Speaker 1 so-and-so. Read another question.
Damn it.

Speaker 1 When the fuck did I become such a Packers fan? There's just certain old NFL teams I like. I actually like the Giants.
Can you fucking believe that after what they did to my Patriots twice?

Speaker 1 One flew over the cuckoo's nest. All right.
Hey there, old Billy Bibbitt.

Speaker 1 It's funny. Who's Bibbitt? It was a character, and one flew over the cuckoo's nest.
Oh, shit.

Speaker 1 What's his face downstairs there? An old friend of mine

Speaker 1 has gone so far down the rabbit hole of conspiracy theories that he really can't even function in society anymore. Oh, that's relatable.
Tell him to start telling jokes.

Speaker 1 He is unable to hold a conversation for two minutes without going off on some rambling horseshit about chemtrails, Freemasons, aliens, and all of that crap.

Speaker 1 Completely oblivious to the fact that none of us are interested in hearing about all that nonsense he reads on the internet. It used to be funny.

Speaker 1 We were driving out west a few years back, and he pointed out at some lights moving up in the sky and said, those are the aliens that follow me around. Oh.
Oh, this sounds like a mental issue, dude.

Speaker 1 I said,

Speaker 1 what does that sign on the right said? He said, airport next exit. And I said, yeah, those are airplanes, you jackass.
And he said, well, maybe some of them. Wow.

Speaker 1 He goes, okay, it's been over a decade of that kind of shit, and it's gotten way, way worse.

Speaker 1 Because of this obsession and the resulting paranoia, he can't even hold down a menial job, and all of his friends have abandoned ship.

Speaker 1 He's become addicted to painkillers. I think he already had a mental issue, man.
Yeah, yeah, of course.

Speaker 1 Has been in and out of rehab centers and hospitals because of bizarre health problems and is now bordering on full-blown schizophrenia. That's sucked.

Speaker 1 Well, you don't get that from reading conspiracy theory, sir. Yeah, you really kind of did a fucking fate and switch here with this question.

Speaker 1 That whole thing in the beginning was just like a red herring. It turns out he's got like serious mental problems.
What's a red herring? It's just a distraction. Exactly.

Speaker 1 It's something that you think is the cause of, you know,

Speaker 1 I'm not going to explain it right because I'm tired. But.

Speaker 1 Oh, I got to use that excuse sometimes. When I use an expression, then I go, oh, Jesus, what is

Speaker 1 the defense? My brain is mush.

Speaker 1 Ah, Christ.

Speaker 1 How many points does fucking Aaron Rodgers got to put up?

Speaker 1 It's like Tom Brady, same thing. How many fucking points does he got to score? Yeah, yeah, no defense.

Speaker 1 I want to respect his right to believe what he wants to believe, but in the end, it has only caused him to lead an increasingly miserable and lonely life that will end in a tragedy and a sparsely attended funeral unless something changes soon.

Speaker 1 So how the fuck do you bring someone back from so far over the edge? Okay, well, he might be exaggerating a little bit with the, maybe he's using schizophrenia as like a fucking

Speaker 1 filler word there like you know this guy's a narcissist this guy's a sociopath no but this sounds like paranoid schizophrenia this is exactly oh dr hill are you gonna diagnose that on this fucking wonderful

Speaker 1 considering that i've had unfortunately a member of my family who went through this exact thing i do feel that i recognize it a little bit yes as a matter of fact i do okay but do you feel like that you can make that diagnosis as someone who is not a doctor no of course is not a comedian

Speaker 1 is not even a podcaster that you can on a podcast done by a comedian as not a doctor, diagnose this person that you've never met based on this four-paragraph email.

Speaker 1 I asked me to come in here, so I'm giving my opinion. I thought you were going to start a song.
You

Speaker 1 asked me

Speaker 1 to come here. Are you annoyed that that lady singing about all the ingredients?

Speaker 1 You get annoyed when black shit goes fucking mainstream and then white people ruin it. Well,

Speaker 1 I got peas, greens, tomatoes, potatoes. That shit.
You name it. Yeah, that thing.

Speaker 1 You name it.

Speaker 1 I swear to God, if that's what my church. We had a nice little week-long run before everyone else.

Speaker 1 If that's what my church was like,

Speaker 1 I would go every week if it was only a half hour long.

Speaker 1 I just can't get into the fucking.

Speaker 1 I like the singing part in black churches, but even when the priest, regardless of race, when they get up there and they start saying that this invisible guy gives a shit about me,

Speaker 1 I tap out. I just can't listen to it.
Anyway, he wants you

Speaker 1 jesus jesus wants you to have that that's the second flat screen downstairs your friend needs professional help you're not gonna be able i like joel estate he's he's a very positive guy um well you know something he's been out there long enough that you'd think if there was a scandal it would come out by now right

Speaker 1 um this your friend needs professional help this is beyond your um

Speaker 1 This is beyond your pay grade. Jesus, don't shit on the guy.
He might have just been being funny just because. No, no, no, no.
I'm not shitting on him.

Speaker 1 I'm saying that his friend needs help and this is not anything that he is qualified to do. So, because he's.
That's a much nicer way of saying, saying it's beyond your pay grade.

Speaker 1 Hey, buddy, can't you get, go pick up your broom and keep sweeping up?

Speaker 1 This is the job of people with lab coats.

Speaker 1 Hold on a second. But what is he? He said, like.

Speaker 1 I respect his right to believe what he wants to believe, but in the end, da-da-da-da-da. Yeah, I don't even think he necessarily maybe even

Speaker 1 believes it. He's just got, yeah, he's yeah, he's become addicted to pain clears, has been in and out of rehab centers and hospitals because of bizarre health problems.

Speaker 1 Yeah, he is now bordering on full-blown schizophrenia. Yeah, I think you just got to be there for him, but maybe just check in on him and say, hey, are you taking your meds?

Speaker 1 Are you going to see your doctor? That type of thing. But I don't think you're going to be able to help him with this.
It's just

Speaker 1 beyond you.

Speaker 1 Is that what it just?

Speaker 1 You know what's fucking cool as shit? The Redskins still have a band and they actually have a team song. I think that's fucking cool.

Speaker 1 At the professional level, for some reason, that all went away. I hope our baby doesn't get your ADD.

Speaker 1 Why? It's worked great for me. Has it? Yeah.

Speaker 1 Yeah, it has.

Speaker 1 You name it!

Speaker 1 I play drums, fly helicopters, tell jokes. You name it.

Speaker 1 ADD is a fucking great thing to have. It sucks with some shit, but it sucks when you're in school and you're going to do poorly in school and everyone's going to say you're fucking dumb.

Speaker 1 But when you get out in the world, man, it's fucking tremendous. It's tremendous.

Speaker 1 I know. I run around all day long.
You don't have it very, so you don't have it like severely, though. You aren't able to.

Speaker 1 You just get, you know, you even got the lab glasses on tonight, don't you? Just fucking diagnosing everything. How do you know what I have it as?

Speaker 1 Remember when we tried to do that ADD questionnaire and you couldn't even pay attention long enough

Speaker 1 to answer the question? Yeah, but part of that was because I was annoyed with it. You want to revisit that real quick? No.
Do an oldie but goodie? All right, Bill, my kid is

Speaker 1 14 years old, and he wants a drone for Christmas. The drone market is huge with kids these days.
When I was a kid, we wanted to fly something for the sake of flying it.

Speaker 1 Now they all have cameras attached to them, and they hover in a real creepy way. He's not a punk, so he won't flip out if he doesn't get one.

Speaker 1 His friends have them, so it's not like he'd never use one. If I did get him one, he's not the type of kid to fly it up to someone's window, so that's not the concern.

Speaker 1 I'm coming from a place like if I didn't want him to get an earring,

Speaker 1 more of don't be that kid. I might be overreacting, but that's just something.
But there's just something about drones. What do you think? Congrats on the condition.

Speaker 1 Thank you.

Speaker 1 I would say

Speaker 1 I agree with you. No drones.
No drones with the cameras. That's too much.

Speaker 1 The shit I would have fucking done. I would have the hottest chick in the neighborhood.
I would have had it out there

Speaker 1 hovering near a bathroom. To be perfect.

Speaker 1 Flying up this. Of course you wouldn't.
And if he's not, then his friends are going to. His friends are going to be like, let's just take it over here and just see.
And this is the thing.

Speaker 1 You know that the person watching is jerking off if it immediately crashes.

Speaker 1 So kids are really using drones? Like, are they, is that the hot gift this Christmas is a drone for a teenager? I mean, it's, it's an amazing fucking thing. It really is.

Speaker 1 I mean, I can't imagine like just flying over a neighborhood to see what your neighborhood looks like from the air or your house, all of that would be cool.

Speaker 1 But the possibilities, the shit that you could do with those things

Speaker 1 with a juvenile brain. I don't know, I would be nervous.
One of the best things my parents did was they never let us play video games. They never let us play it.
They just, you're not getting that.

Speaker 1 It's going to fuck with your schoolwork. You know what's funny is I still fucked up in school.
But the great thing is, is I'm not a fucking 48-year-old gamer.

Speaker 1 You know? Like, I just think that's, that's really like.

Speaker 1 You know, I kind of judge that shit. Like after a while, like, what are you doing?

Speaker 1 You know what I mean? Don't you want to go outside?

Speaker 1 Like, the amount of time that people spend, you could learn a language, you could learn how to play an instrument.

Speaker 1 I'm literally doing what every adult says. You could go out and do the things that I find interesting.
The fuck, if you're into video games, go ahead and play it.

Speaker 1 But I'm glad that I didn't because I waste enough time watching fucking sports. I can't imagine.
Because I told you, I've always said I tapped out after Grand Theft Auto III.

Speaker 1 It literally took over my life.

Speaker 1 I'm so sick of this fucking commercial where they show the Ford F-150 with the aluminum bed and it has, it doesn't have any bed liner, and they drop the fucking toolbox into it.

Speaker 1 And then they show the Chevy with the steel one. This is such bullshit advertising.
What it really is, is I bet the Ford gets better gas mileage because it has a lighter bed.

Speaker 1 And then all you do is just put the same rubber guard that comes in all pickup trucks. What kind of a fucking asshole buys a pickup truck and you don't have the bed liner? Get the fuck out of here.

Speaker 1 Fuck Chevy.

Speaker 1 Even though I like the Silverado. All right, Thanksgiving debacle.

Speaker 1 Oh, Billy Turkey Legs.

Speaker 1 Don't get your kid a drone if you don't want them to have the drone.

Speaker 1 You're the parent. All right.
Was that another ADD moment? Did I leave it there? I'm in a little debacle with my lady

Speaker 1 about Thanksgiving. I want my girl to come to my Thanksgiving, but it starts like only an hour before hers.

Speaker 1 I'm in a little bit of a debacle with my lady about Thanksgiving. I want my girl to come to my Thanksgiving, but it starts only an hour before hers.
But they are in the same town, mind you.

Speaker 1 Mine's at my aunt's house, and hers is at her parents'. Mine starts at 12, hers starts at 1.30.

Speaker 1 I want her to come to mine for a little bit before hers, but she's not having it because she's got to help her mom cook. Well, this is easy.

Speaker 1 So you just say you'll be over there at fucking 1.30 and you're just going to make an appearance. What she's going to make and not see your family on Thanksgiving?

Speaker 1 He said, on one hand, I'm super salty and want to be a huge, and want to make a huge deal about this because I really want her there and I think she's being selfish.

Speaker 1 But on the other hand, I understand she's got to help her mom cook and stuff. At least that's her excuse.

Speaker 1 I know she loves her family, but it really pisses me off because she's never been to my family shit, but

Speaker 1 I've gone to plenty of hers. Her defense is that she's never made me miss any of my family gatherings to go to hers, but my family is a bunch of nut jobs, and you get the point.

Speaker 1 Old Billy Burnt Dick, I could use some words of wisdom. I'm a huge fan.
Thanks, and go fuck yourself. Happy holidays, huge fan.
Well, I mean,

Speaker 1 this is all you're doing, so you can undo all of this. All right?

Speaker 1 You know, you just got to put your foot down and just say, listen, I respect, I understand you got to help your mother cook, but I want to see my family on Thanksgiving. So I will go over there.

Speaker 1 I'll be there over for an hour. All right.
And then I'll be over here at 1:30 in time to eat.

Speaker 1 And if she has a problem with that,

Speaker 1 just ask her, why do you have a problem with that?

Speaker 1 This is perfect.

Speaker 1 You don't have to come.

Speaker 1 You don't have to come to

Speaker 1 my family of nut jobs, as you say.

Speaker 1 And

Speaker 1 yeah, is she trying to get out of going to your family's is what I'm wondering.

Speaker 1 Because most people, I feel like in this situation, you just split it up. So if she's got to go help her family cook,

Speaker 1 You could go over there with her while they're doing that talk to the dad or the brothers whatever I don't know if if they're going to be cooking or whatever.

Speaker 1 Spend that time, have the meal, and then the two of you then go to your family's house for dessert and like coffee and a movie or game night or whatever.

Speaker 1 No, but there's his starts early. His starts at 12.
Theirs starts at 1:30. So I'm saying, I just, I tell, listen, you go over to your mom's house, you cook.
I'm going over to my aunt's from 12 to 1.

Speaker 1 I'll be back at 1:30. You show up like, and then you show up at like 1:40.

Speaker 1 You know what I mean? You have to spend like an hour, though. That's nothing.

Speaker 1 Because

Speaker 1 the food isn't going on the table right at 12. Everyone's going to like saunter in around 12.30, 12.45, sit down, then eat.
I would take it. He's going to be there for like two or three minutes.

Speaker 1 This is what I would do. I would say, this is the deal.
I'm going there for an hour. Then I'm going to go over to 1:30, right? 1:30, I'll be at your place.
But next year, we're going to my family's.

Speaker 1 This isn't even, like, I'm not going to never see my family on Thanksgiving again. Right.
I would never do that to you. Are you saying I can't see my family anymore on Thanksgiving? You just have to.

Speaker 1 Or you go, yeah, go to his families and just say, hey, text me when you guys are about to like sit down because she's going to cook and do all this other stuff.

Speaker 1 So it's like, text me when you guys are about to sit down. I'll let you know where I'm at with my dinner and then I'll just come over there.
And then what he needs to do is say it totally calmly.

Speaker 1 Do not trash her. Do not...
Do not say anything insulting about her family. Do not let her,

Speaker 1 and then when you stay calm, if she does that thing where she then tries to bait you into a fight, do not take the bait.

Speaker 1 Just ask her why she's reacting that way or just stay calm.

Speaker 1 Stay on target. Star Wars, right?

Speaker 1 You just make your points, and that's it. Yeah, that sounds reasonable.

Speaker 1 Well, there you go. So you like, how great a movie was Casablanca? It was really nice.
I finally understood the fucking movie. I always got confused.

Speaker 1 I understood the love story, but I didn't quite understand, you know, unoccupied France, and they're talking to like Nazi Germany and shit.

Speaker 1 It's just like they're taking over your country, and it's just like, I guess they hadn't, their power hadn't

Speaker 1 gotten to that point because there was like Italian soldiers there, there were German soldiers, and there was fucking these German Nazi guys.

Speaker 1 I don't know. I'll have to watch it again.
I'd maybe read a little bit of fucking history, but I actually understood the love story this time. It was fucking great.

Speaker 1 How beautiful is that woman, too, huh? Yeah, she's beautiful. Yeah, she was like modern day beautiful, too.
A lot of them back then are back then beautiful.

Speaker 1 You know what I mean? Like, hey, what do you say there, fucking Ellis Island?

Speaker 1 Yeah, no, she's a classic.

Speaker 1 Ah, there she goes.

Speaker 1 There you go. Sleeping like a damn dog lately.

Speaker 1 Because of your condition. Because of my condition.
Makes me very tired.

Speaker 1 I think you're being a jerk about it, personally.

Speaker 1 I think you're being a jerk about it. I'm not.
Why is my fucking leg hurt? Oh, my God. I'm going to end like those fucking people in the orchestra pit.
Just fucking.

Speaker 1 You see that one guy who's like 55, just sitting there. He looked like he just fell off a motorcycle.

Speaker 1 Anyways, well, I'm glad you had a good time. I hope you enjoyed it because I'm watching all the rest of the football Sundays from here on out as I empty the liquor cabinet.

Speaker 1 So is that our last Sunday out? Is that what you're saying? Until.

Speaker 1 No, I would like to do that. I've been actually, and I've been looking up museums and shit on the down low, trying to understand art.

Speaker 1 I never understood it. I find that I like,

Speaker 1 I forget what period it is. It's the Van Gogh and the period after Van Gogh.
I like that shit. Okay, that's cool.
I like that. The abstract, I'm starting to understand that.

Speaker 1 Well, you don't need lines. You have colors to suggest moods.
It's like, all right. Look at you.
It kind of looks like a five-year-old. It's always going to look like a five-year-old, did it?

Speaker 1 Do you like modern art, do you think? Or do you like the more old classic stuff?

Speaker 1 Like the Van Gogh versus the Jeff Koons. I don't know who Jeff Koon is.
Andy Warhol.

Speaker 1 Andy Warhol was the original hipster and his brutally, brutally fucking overrated. Ooh, hot take.
And was not a nice person. What about Basquiat? Did you like Basquiat? I like Basquiat.

Speaker 1 It's not the dude who looks like Savian Glover, but he painted.

Speaker 1 Savion Glover. Wow.
Oh, my God. Haven't heard that name in a while.

Speaker 1 Yeah, see, it's sort of like the weekend before he cut his hair, he was doing like an homage to Basquiat. Yes, that's

Speaker 1 Jean-Michel Basquiat. That's the most modern person I listened to.
Yeah. The weekend.
To the point I pre-ordered his next album. I know.
I know. And

Speaker 1 I got the first two songs.

Speaker 1 I want to hear it. We should listen to it after this.
Absolutely. As I fell asleep because of my condition.
How far are we talking about my condition? Not that much, right? What do you mean?

Speaker 1 Like, we're not going to get into all

Speaker 1 specifics. No, we're not.
And I'm just going to say that. Because something's got the sex and all that.
Yeah, what it is. Yeah.
Pictures. No, none of that shit.
Okay. It's just like the kitchen.

Speaker 1 You're just going to know it got redone.

Speaker 1 Just know it. That's it.
I share enough. But there's too many fucking weirdos on the fucking internet.
I do not understand people that post pictures of their children.

Speaker 1 You know, because you get excited with your fucking home address right above your fucking head for the family photo. Because they're so cute and you just want to show off, you know?

Speaker 1 But I definitely understand why we will not be doing that. All right, this is probably a conversation that should have happened off of the podcast.
All right, you're fucking coolant.

Speaker 1 Bill,

Speaker 1 what the fuck did I do to my leg? I just laid down and I feel like I hyperextended my leg. I guess that my leg.

Speaker 1 Who is that?

Speaker 1 That comedian.

Speaker 1 I guess that's my leg. What's his name?

Speaker 1 Yeah, you always bring him up. Richard Ki.
No.

Speaker 1 Oh, oh, Robert Klein. Robert Klein.

Speaker 1 Robert Klein. I can't stop my leg.
Very good. Look at you.
See, I went Savior Glover. Then you hit me back white style.
Little Robert Klein.

Speaker 1 All right, that's the podcast for this week. Go fuck yourselves.
Have a wonderful Thanksgiving. And I will be checking in on you on Thanksgiving.
No, you will not. Yes, I will.
No, you will not.

Speaker 1 Listen, we're going to eat at 1.30. I'm going to do a podcast at 12 at my parents' house.
You can't take, you can't, you can take Thanksgiving off. People will understand.

Speaker 1 Nia, I believe your people said money never sleeps.

Speaker 1 Right?

Speaker 1 24-7. What is some of that stupid shit? They sleep, we grind.

Speaker 1 Yeah, all that dumb shit. Like,

Speaker 1 like Bill Gates isn't doing that. You're going to do a podcast on Thanksgiving.
What is wrong with you?

Speaker 1 Well, maybe you'll do it the day before Thanksgiving. That's a big pet peeve of mine when performers talk about how fucking hard they work.

Speaker 1 You know, and they take those pictures of them where they've got their head down like they're fucking exhausted, you know.

Speaker 1 And then they just have these fucking self-imposed compliments.

Speaker 1 You know, a lot of people would stop. I feel like I'm just beginning.

Speaker 1 But that's essentially what you're doing if you're going to be working on Thanksgiving. No, I'm not.

Speaker 1 No, that was a really weak way to try to manipulate it back.

Speaker 1 Neh, I'm going to do it. So if you just, you want to have the argument now? Because I'm going to do it.
No, I'm too tired. There you go.
Go to sleep.

Speaker 1 Seriously, you're putting on a lot of weight. Oh, my God.

Speaker 1 I'm not attracted to you right now. I just don't understand what it is.
That's not true. Don't say that.
Yeah.

Speaker 1 You just told me I look beautiful. You do look beautiful.
You still look great. You're all fucking baby.
I'm all belly. You're all belly.

Speaker 1 So anyways.

Speaker 1 All right. I'm, uh, I don't know.
I'm going to figure out how to make a fucking pan into a griddle and make myself something because I'm an adult and I can't fucking have a gridder.

Speaker 1 I'm sure you'll figure it out. No, I'm getting that griddle.
I'm getting rid of those fucking tables out there. There's too many fucking tables.
Huh? What are we having the Last Supper?

Speaker 1 Huh? Is Jesus coming back right in our back fucking yard?

Speaker 1 That long-winded douche is gonna sit there to me. I fucking did this for you.
I did that. Are you trashing Jesus? No, yes.

Speaker 1 Are you trashing Jesus? No, Yeezy. Yeezys.
Is that what Kanye goes by? Yes.

Speaker 1 Easy. Hey, radio, fuck you.

Speaker 1 Fuck you, man.

Speaker 1 I want to get that big. I'm just yelling at a fucking...

Speaker 1 What would you call that? What is radio? Form of communication? Yeah. Yeah.
Just yell at a form of communication and then cancel a show at the fucking

Speaker 1 Magic Johnson. Hey, internet.
Fuck you. Hey, internet.

Speaker 1 Fuck you, internet. Hey, titan on a string.
Fuck you. Fuck you, ham radio.
Yeah.

Speaker 1 We get it. Kevin Hart's funny, but so's.

Speaker 1 Oh, who's that kid I saw in fucking the new Def Jam? First of all, Tony Rock crushing it as a host.

Speaker 1 Tony Rock's a fucking star, by the way. I remember years ago when he had a sketch show, man.
That guy fucking pops.

Speaker 1 He pops on TV. Robert, I forget his last name.
You tweeted. No, not Tony, not Tony Roberts.
Tony Roberts, I'm not sure. No, no, no, no, no.
The name of the comic that you liked. You tweeted about him.

Speaker 1 His name was Robert something.

Speaker 1 Oh, yeah, he was fucking hilarious.

Speaker 1 Fucking hilarious. And didn't give a shit if the crowd liked him.
He had that, the fucking Luther Vandros joke. Oh, my God.
Yeah, I don't want to ruin it.

Speaker 1 But yeah, just definitely check that out because if that's how funny that shows is, that show is back in a big way. And it was great to see Tony Rock get in that gig, you know? Definitely deserving.

Speaker 1 Ending on a positive note. That's right.
Go fuck yourselves. I will talk to you on Thanksgiving.
And that stomping you here in the background will be Nia.

Speaker 1 Unapprovingly. Supposed to be making stuffing.
All right, go fuck yourselves. Have a great week.
Great short week. All right.
And oh, dude, Wednesday night, the greatest fucking night ever.

Speaker 1 If you're a young man, right? You go back to your hometown. What's his face? The Thrill Ride.
The Thrill Ride did a great rant on that. Who? The Thrill Ride.

Speaker 1 One man fucking... Oh, yeah, that guy.
I mean, that guy. That guy should be in the WWE.
He's one of the best people on the fucking mic. I forgot about him.

Speaker 1 Yeah, he fucking said that that's the night you go back and all the women, you know, you went to high school with, that you weren't afraid to talk to, now you come back, you got your little man mustache, you make something happen.

Speaker 1 The night before Thanksgiving. Night before Thanksgiving.

Speaker 1 That's right. Okay.

Speaker 1 I love Thanksgiving. You know what I love about Thanksgiving?

Speaker 1 We just rub it in the fucking

Speaker 1 England's face. You know?

Speaker 1 Take that.

Speaker 1 Right?

Speaker 1 What? No, there's a lot of people in this country that think it has to do something with our independence with England. Yeah, and one of my...

Speaker 1 Well, that's one of my favorite things to do is I say that that to fucking

Speaker 1 Londoners and shit.

Speaker 1 Oh, fuck. You know what I forgot to bring up? There's a, I got to do another benefit.

Speaker 1 Speaking of that, a buddy of mine who did stand-up when I started out and then moved on to writing, Pete Cummin, such a great guy. Unfortunately, passed away.

Speaker 1 Oh, God, a couple weeks ago. It was an absolute shock.

Speaker 1 He's like a fucking year older than me, was in great health and just had a heart attack unfortunately so we're going to be doing a benefit at the laugh factory on december 6th um tickets will be going on sale soon i should probably know by uh thanksgiving but um he's got two beautiful twin boys only 10 years old and um

Speaker 1 The great thing is going to be, you know, what's so great was Jamie Masada put his name up on the

Speaker 1 marquee. I'll never forget that he did that.
That was such a great thing that he did that because Pete hasn't done stand-up in a number of years. It was great that Jamie remembered him.

Speaker 1 He's a great guy, Jamie Masada. He remembered him.
He put his name up there. And so there's a bunch of Boston guys I haven't seen.
We're all going to be on the same fucking show.

Speaker 1 And I'm trying to think like the last time we all worked together like that was probably the fucking cowloon about 20 years ago. So it's going to be a good reunion.

Speaker 1 We're all going to be telling great stories about Pete Cummins. So

Speaker 1 yeah, it's going to be December 6th, and I'll get you guys that link as soon as I get it. If you're in town, you'd like to have a laugh.
It's a great cause. All right.
That's it there, fuckos.

Speaker 1 Have a nice Thanksgiving.

Speaker 4 What's up, everybody? Welcome back to the Anything Better podcast show, NFL edition, going into

Speaker 4 what is it, week number 12 with your hosts, Paul Verzee over here, Bill Burr over there.

Speaker 4 Of course, we have Jake the Snake from his undisclosed or his, yeah, his undisclosed place with his injury reports. And we got the Greek freak, the Beverly Hills kid, Andrew Themlis.

Speaker 4 We are all here for week 12, guys. But before we get into this week's show, we have to shout out our sponsor.

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Speaker 4 Dude, Dude, I got to start the show by talking about my New York football giants and Daniel Jones. Daniel Jones

Speaker 4 was emotional yesterday because all of the major teammates backed him and said that this was a weak move by the Giants. They think maybe the Giants are trying to get the draft pick.

Speaker 4 And then Daniel Jones walked into John Mara's office 20 minutes ago. This is hot off the press.
And he said, guys,

Speaker 4 they made him not the second string. They made him the third string.
And then yesterday they had him playing safety as like a dummy, like just being a safety.

Speaker 4 And he walked in today and he said, guys, do me a favor and please release me.

Speaker 1 And apparently. Please release me.
Let me go.

Speaker 4 And he walked in with a gun to his head and said, guys, it's you or me. No.

Speaker 1 I don't want to play for the Giants anymore.

Speaker 4 So, and I believe they obliged. I believe the Maras and them wished him well and said goodbye.
So Daniel Jones is done.

Speaker 1 And Paul, what did I say?

Speaker 4 I got to give you credit. I meant to do that today.
You called it. I was wrong.
I held on to it because of that good season he had. And then he fucking had happy feet because

Speaker 4 whatever it was, dude, you were right.

Speaker 1 So. Yeah, I didn't say that, you know.

Speaker 1 He shouldn't be your quarterback. I just said that's an awful lot of money in an awful long time.
Who the fuck's going to pick up that contract?

Speaker 4 And to not give Saquon Barkley money, but to give him money and now watch Saquon Barkley be an MVB candidate with the Philadelphia.

Speaker 1 Let's give a slow white guy from Duke a whole bunch of money and let's give a fucking Jack Black dude no money. Come on, Paul.
What's that looking like?

Speaker 1 If we did that in Boston, Paul, what would the story be? What would the story be?

Speaker 1 Oh, it hurts. Oh, it hurts.

Speaker 4 It's like watching your girlfriend go down on somebody. Just like, oh.
And they hold your head to watch it.

Speaker 1 Wait, what? Jesus.

Speaker 1 You went big air on that one.

Speaker 4 He's still alive. He's still breathing, Frankie.

Speaker 1 He's still breathing.

Speaker 1 That's the worst.

Speaker 1 I will say this.

Speaker 4 To this day, is there a more uncomfortable scene in any movie than when he I didn't watch Casino.

Speaker 1 I saw Casino in movie theaters. I didn't watch it again for 10 years because of that scene.

Speaker 4 One of the most disturbing scenes I ever seen. He's still breathing, Frankie.
Frankie. Oh,

Speaker 1 anyway.

Speaker 1 um oh by the way paul what about last week the lions laying 14 and a half won like 55 to

Speaker 1 yeah old school paul mersey would have would have texted me bloodbath over like 58 times during that game

Speaker 1 oh paul i got one for you yeah two fucking things i'm over right now beautiful women and nerds Opposite ends of the spectrum.

Speaker 4 You're done with both of them.

Speaker 1 I'm done with both of them. I hate the classic fucking beautiful woman in in the front row.

Speaker 1 Nothing you can say to her as long as she's getting the attention. Every fucking thing I was saying, she, you know, just like,

Speaker 1 you know, like those straight women that love the gays. I love the gays.
I love the gays. Oh.
No, but I love the gays. I do love the gays.
I love the gays. And then I go, will you shut up?

Speaker 1 And she'd be like,

Speaker 1 oh, I hate that.

Speaker 1 Shit, doing the cutesy fucking thing. It's just like, you know.

Speaker 1 And it was like, you used to be pretty.

Speaker 4 Now you're just annoying.

Speaker 1 That's the thing about beautiful women. When they're young, they're beautiful.
When they get older, they just get annoying.

Speaker 1 Because all of us men put up with that fucking behavior because they're going to keep it happy. Maybe it'll fuck me.
And then

Speaker 1 we raise them.

Speaker 1 Yeah. Okay.
Men raise beautiful women to be fucking annoying assholes at comedy shows.

Speaker 4 You know, it's a good one. Just go see it.

Speaker 1 And they're nerd's fault. Nerds.
I got to get the nerd. They're ruining the fair.
Okay, get the nerd thing out. Go ahead.
Go ahead. Yeah, nerds are ruining the fucking world.

Speaker 1 All of these years, they said it was going to to be the frat boy date rapists. It wasn't.
All right. They individually ruin lives.
Nerds ruin the fucking world.

Speaker 1 All right, let's go. That's my theory.
All right. I got my glasses on, Paul.
I got my glasses so I can see myself.

Speaker 4 You know what you say to that girl? You know what you say to that woman? Sweetie, sweetie, you're an alcoholic. You can't hold your liquor.

Speaker 4 You're an alcoholic.

Speaker 1 Paul, she loves it. You're talking to her.
The whole show stops and you're talking to her.

Speaker 4 Then you look at the guy and go, how do you fuck this annoying thing? But then it's a whole different thing.

Speaker 1 Then he has to do something. No, I ended up shaking his hand.
I said, don't fucking blame him for this on the ride home. This was you and me.

Speaker 1 This was you and me.

Speaker 1 Oh, so fucking awful. I did this great gig in Modesto, California.
Paul, I'm going to the people on this one. I like it.

Speaker 1 Ohio, Bakersfield, Modesto,

Speaker 1 where am I? Stockton.

Speaker 1 And then the one that begins with V, I can't remember. Visileo or whatever the fuck it is.
Doing all these Fox and Warner theaters on the way up here.

Speaker 1 And by the way, Paul, mega Texas BBQ in Fresno, California.

Speaker 1 If you don't do, if you don't fucking go there and get yourself a Texas Twinkie and some fucking pulled pork and brisket, I swear to God, it's going to affect our friendship. That's how good it is.

Speaker 4 But what's a Texas Twinkie, a burrito?

Speaker 1 Dude, it's a stuffed jalapeno.

Speaker 1 They put brisket.

Speaker 1 green cheese in there and then they triple wrap it with this bacon and put their fucking sauce on top.

Speaker 1 Sweet, You got the heat. It's just like

Speaker 1 you want to go outside and tell somebody about it after each bite.

Speaker 4 Dude, I got to tell you something. I think I told you this.

Speaker 4 Last year was the first year that I discovered bagel and locks.

Speaker 4 Because I never did that. I never, because I like raw sushi.

Speaker 1 Yeah, it's just with the juice. I get it, Paul.

Speaker 4 No, but like, you know,

Speaker 4 nobody ever said, you know, nobody ever.

Speaker 1 How the fuck do you live in New York? You never tried bagels and locks. It's amazing.

Speaker 4 No, because you know what it is? I tried smoked salmon once and didn't like it, and I liked the sushi grade of it.

Speaker 4 And then all of a sudden, dude, I got one, and the capers and everything was so delicious. And I'm going, what?

Speaker 1 Did you just say sushi grade?

Speaker 4 Like sushi type of salmon.

Speaker 1 Paul, don't get, listen, don't, don't get fucking self-conscious here. I said sushi grade.
Paul, you have elevated yourself. Yeah.

Speaker 1 Wait.

Speaker 1 Are you becoming refined?

Speaker 1 The way that just rolls up your tongue. Yeah.

Speaker 1 Paul, I've known you almost 20 years. If I was on a game show and it's and it had a bunch of shit that you could have possibly said, sushi grade.

Speaker 1 I never would have thought that. That's fucking amazing.

Speaker 4 Oh, thank you.

Speaker 1 I tip my cap to you, my kind sir.

Speaker 1 I love that you're sitting there in a hoodie talking about the Giants and then you bust out sushi grade salmon. Yeah.

Speaker 4 So anyway, but what I don't like sometimes is the bagel is really filling, right? So I'm in, I'm in Austin, Texas. And this guy goes, dude, one of my favorite places is around the corner.

Speaker 4 It's called Cafe Crepe. And he goes, they got great crepes, but they also have great breakfast.
And I'm like, perfect. I'll go to there before I go to the podcast, before I go to the airport.

Speaker 4 And I go to this crepe place and I'm looking and I see a picture on the menu of this crepe with all the smoked salmon, a little layer of cream cheese and capers.

Speaker 4 So I call the lady over and she goes, oh, that's our number one seller. So I go, I love it.
So get it, dude. It was,

Speaker 4 it,

Speaker 4 I, I bit it. I was alone and I go, I looked around.
I go, I can't believe, I was by myself. I go, I can't believe it.
I just like,

Speaker 4 I said, I can't believe it out loud. And the lady goes, it's good, right? I I go, this is incredible, man.

Speaker 4 And it was less filling than the bagel. And it was amazing, dude.
It was amazing.

Speaker 1 So you just got the locks. You didn't get, you didn't get a cream cheese bagel.
You didn't get bagel and locks. You just got the locks.

Speaker 4 No, no, no. It was a crepe with cream cheese.

Speaker 1 Oh my God.

Speaker 4 It was a crepe with the cream cheese layer on it, capers, and the locks.

Speaker 4 So it was everything that you get bagel and locks, but just on a crepe, dude.

Speaker 1 That sounds amazing. That's it.

Speaker 1 Over. Oh, Paul Versey, over.

Speaker 1 Over.

Speaker 1 That sounds amazing.

Speaker 4 It was fucking fantastic, man.

Speaker 4 And then I, yeah, then I got home. And, yeah, off to.

Speaker 1 Dude, I don't even know what happened. Well, I got to give another shout out, Paul.
Yeah. Turning into a couple of fucking foodies out here.

Speaker 1 I went to this breakfast place. I got to get it here.

Speaker 1 I got it in my places to go app, Paul. Not put your app away.

Speaker 1 Oh, my God. I don't know if I'm going to say L-I-B-E-L-U-L-A

Speaker 1 Libalula for breakfast right next to the Crest Theater in

Speaker 1 Fresno

Speaker 1 got fucking three-fried eggs on some kimchi and like one of those tortilla shells with fucking avocado on top dude. It was fucking insane.
Had the whole

Speaker 1 yolk and then they had the heat thing going there, Paul. Paul, I'm telling you, these mom and pop places, it's the way to go.

Speaker 1 All of these fucking fat fucks with their mantits going to the chain restaurants.

Speaker 1 Listen, here's the thing. You want to change America.
Okay, you don't do it in the voter booth. You go to mom and pop stores.

Speaker 1 We got to get on the same page here. We got to support each other because they're not doing it for us.

Speaker 1 I'm telling Paul, going up to 99 here out in the Central Valley, California is one of the most depressing things I've ever done. Great people, the cities are great.

Speaker 1 But in between, you look at the farms and these corporate farms and you look at how these people are fucking living. I'm telling you,

Speaker 1 they're straight up fucking evil, dude. They're straight up fucking evil.

Speaker 1 These fucking cunts at the top, taking all the money and not paying anybody and not wanting to pay anybody and keep coming up with these excuses and blaming immigrants and all of this shit.

Speaker 1 It's like, it's like, no, it's you. It's you fucking nerds with your pen and pencils.
All right, Paul, let's talk football.

Speaker 4 I got a question for you, though, real quick, before we get into this. Where do you stand with avocado?

Speaker 1 Look, where do you get it? Do I stand with it? Yeah. I got my fucking arm around it saying, what did you fucking say to this avocado?

Speaker 4 Oh, you love him. You got an avocado's back.

Speaker 1 Paul, I will, I will, I eat one fucking plane. It's a great source.
It's a great source of

Speaker 1 what they call it. That fat that you need.
The fat that you need. It's fucking fantastic.
The trans fat?

Speaker 1 Not the trans fat. That's the shit in McDonald's.

Speaker 1 You're just a city kid. You hear trans transportation? You just fucking think this is a good thing.

Speaker 4 There's a lot of transgender.

Speaker 1 I just think.

Speaker 1 Transmissions. There's a lot out there.

Speaker 1 Not the trends that makes you lose your career, the other trends.

Speaker 4 No,

Speaker 4 I heard, I do like avocado on some things, but I don't like it near my eggs. That's it.
I don't like my eggs got to be, you know, kind of separate, I feel like.

Speaker 1 No, I get that. It's two mushy things.
You don't want them together.

Speaker 4 Yeah, it's a different taste, but no, an avocado.

Speaker 1 Well, you don't like mushy shit. You don't like avocado.
You don't like corn. You don't like peas.
You don't like that shit.

Speaker 4 Corn and peas, I don't know why they're on earth.

Speaker 1 I don't know why they're on earth. Oh, Oh, dude, corn and the cob in August with fucking butter, salt, and pepper on it.
If you don't like that, Paul, I fuck it.

Speaker 1 I'll finish the corn and cob and I'll stab you with the fucking stock.

Speaker 4 Hey, what a way to go, okay?

Speaker 1 Oh, you're still breathing. I got

Speaker 1 that thing over here. Oh, I gotta tell you something.

Speaker 4 Yeah, I gotta find you.

Speaker 1 He's getting me a fucking, whatever, some sort of meat, and I got mashed potatoes with peas right next to them.

Speaker 1 My Scottish, Irish, english blood goes through the fucking roof it's delicious it's amazing paul how i can cross the street

Speaker 1 okay into your italian neighborhood well i mean it's italian food that's just that's not a fair comparison i was gonna say i enjoy your cuisine it's like well you know it's the fucking best on earth

Speaker 1 hey would you say this the japanese are the italians of asia

Speaker 4 I would say this, Japanese is second of all time of food. I say Italian, Japanese cuisines, one and two.

Speaker 1 Japanese are also the white people of Asia, if you've read your history. Is that right?

Speaker 1 Let's just say they have a high sense of self and I'll leave it at that.

Speaker 1 I'm better than you.

Speaker 1 Ever see that? You ever see that on The Simpsons? That little kid singing the song about his rich dad?

Speaker 1 You think this whole song about how much money his dad has? He goes, my dad can buy and sell. Yeah, I'm better than you.

Speaker 4 Andrew, Andrew, can you send me the

Speaker 4 lines again to my text, please? Because I can't find them.

Speaker 4 I believe I go first this week.

Speaker 1 Paul, I think you should go first every week, the fucking display you're putting on.

Speaker 1 Why ruin what it is that you're doing?

Speaker 4 Let's...

Speaker 1 Why put the number nine hitter in front of the guy bat and cleanup? That's what I say.

Speaker 4 Oh, here's one that I'm going to give for the show. By the way, I got a lot of, thank you, Andrew.

Speaker 4 I got a lot of people reaching out saying this is by far the best sports show because we mix humor with it. And they were like, we

Speaker 4 a lot of people saying, I don't watch football and you guys made me watch it and understand it. I also heard a guy saying you're making me money, but I got to put this out there on the show.

Speaker 1 I had a guy tell me, you know, he watched this show and he came out of the closet. I mean, we're just doing all kinds of things here, ball.

Speaker 4 Dude, you know what? Anything better? I use a different bathroom, okay?

Speaker 4 No, I was going to say, I said something on Twitter yesterday. I will say it on here since we are a sports-leaning show.

Speaker 4 Juan Soto will not go to the Yankees. I'm going to say that.

Speaker 4 My prediction is the reason why Juan Soto won't go to the Yankees, even if the Yankees match a $700 million thing like the Mets are going to try to do or the Dodgers are going to try to do.

Speaker 4 The reason why Juan Soto, and this is just a prediction, will not go, will not stay with the Yankees is because I don't believe Juan Soto wants to be a place where Aaron Judge is really the man and the the captain and it's his team.

Speaker 4 I think Juan.

Speaker 1 Speaking for everybody who isn't a Yankee fan, who the fuck is Juan Soto?

Speaker 4 What do you mean?

Speaker 1 I'm just saying,

Speaker 1 he's fucking acting like he's the lead singer on that team. He's not.
Right. You're the regular guitarist.
And he wants Aaron Judge.

Speaker 4 Yeah.

Speaker 1 That's right. It's fucking Cecil Cooper.
It's Bob Watson.

Speaker 1 Sorry. Not interrupted as always.

Speaker 4 No, no, no.

Speaker 4 I think that Aaron Judge being the captain and the Yankee guy, Juan Soto wants to be that somewhere else. I don't think he liked playing second fiddle to him.

Speaker 4 And that's my prediction, even if the Yankees match the price. You heard it here on anything better.
Let's go.

Speaker 1 Here's my question, Paul. How fucking,

Speaker 1 if that's true, how dumb a mindset is that?

Speaker 4 I mean, I could be wrong, but I think it's dumb. I think we got to win.

Speaker 1 You got to win.

Speaker 1 Dude, him and Judge could win. First of all, who the fuck can't play second fiddle to Paul Bunyan? The guy's nine feet tall, massive muscle.

Speaker 1 He's like a Mickey Mantle stacked on top of Mickey Mantle. I'm not saying with the stats, relax, old school Yankee fans.
I'm just saying,

Speaker 1 it's his fucking team.

Speaker 1 Yeah.

Speaker 1 I do like how he fucking

Speaker 1 stares at the pitcher.

Speaker 4 No, he's a great batter, but he's an average fielder.

Speaker 1 The way he takes the pitcher out of his game. It is great.
Because he makes you mad.

Speaker 1 Because all you want to do is throw the fucking ball right here, and that's going to put him on base. It's fucking genius.
I don't know why more guys don't do that.

Speaker 1 Dude, you realize how amazing baseball would be if every hitter went up there and just had absolutely no fear of getting beamed in the head and just tried to fucking troll the pitcher?

Speaker 1 I was fucking watching the playoffs. Like, I was getting upset watching him.

Speaker 1 I was going like, this pitcher's not afraid of you, you fucking asshole. And then I realized, oh my God, this is why he does this.
This is amazing.

Speaker 1 and then i immediately became a huge fan of his dude here's how good the dodgers were otani was like two for 18 did nothing because he was injured and they fucking still beat us that's how good that team is um well paul you know when you spent over 300 million dollars i mean but you guys were up there too i can't i haven't looked at uh team salaries in a long time like i remember if you had a 200 million dollars oh fucking yankee 200 million dollar team it's like you guys are you're not even littered with free agents and you're over three Like, how much fucking money are they these guys making?

Speaker 4 Dude, the Dodgers spent a billion on two guys, the two Japanese guys, they spent a billion. One was 700, one was 500, right, Jake?

Speaker 1 Is that right?

Speaker 4 All right, let's get into this here.

Speaker 1 Yeah, over the course of their career, they're gonna play him a billion dollars, yeah,

Speaker 4 a billion dollars over their career, but still, that's two fucking guys.

Speaker 1 All right, let's

Speaker 1 pay for a week in Iraq, Paul. I mean, this is fucking crazy.

Speaker 3 What are we doing?

Speaker 1 All right,

Speaker 4 all right, uh, week number 12. My first pick.

Speaker 4 Is it my first pick? Did Bill go first last week? Oh, what do we got injury report-wise, Jake the Snake?

Speaker 6 The biggest ones are coming from San Francisco, Nick Bosa. He got hurt last week.

Speaker 5 He came out of the game.

Speaker 4 He's been fucking held. He's been held for two years.
They finally caught up with him.

Speaker 1 He's got neck burned from his jersey getting yanked like this.

Speaker 6 So he might not play, but they're getting George Kittle back.

Speaker 5 And Brock Purdy is also questionable, but it sounds like he's going to be out there.

Speaker 4 My buddy who drives me to the airport,

Speaker 4 he's a big Niners fan, dude. It's over for them.
I hate to say it, but they're tired.

Speaker 4 Three Super Bowls in the last four or five years, and they're breaking down. McCaffrey's hurt.
I heard one analyst go, dude, the Niners are just exhausted. And they are.

Speaker 4 I hate to say it, but they're finished for a while, I think.

Speaker 1 Hey, Paul, guess what? I'm tired too, you know, but I'm showing up for the podcast.

Speaker 4 Yeah, you don't fucking stop.

Speaker 1 You don't.

Speaker 1 I have a wife. You don't think I'm being held back? Huh?

Speaker 1 Thank you, Jack guy. No, that guy.

Speaker 4 There's always that guy.

Speaker 1 Yeah, he said, I got kids too. I'm fucking tired.

Speaker 1 Comparing doing a podcast to playing professional football.

Speaker 1 Hey, well, guess what? You got a job, you know? You think I want to get up every morning and put my pants on one leg at a time?

Speaker 1 I fought for this country. So guys like you can play football.
They're going on there.

Speaker 1 Wait, you fought for this country. You didn't serve.
I was in the cups counts.

Speaker 1 Look, a uniform is a uniform.

Speaker 1 I take that discipline with me to work every day. His wife's complaining, my wife's complaining.

Speaker 1 You think I don't know my wife's fucking the neighbor? Because I do.

Speaker 1 I'm going going to toughen out this holiday season and not bring it up till after New Year's.

Speaker 4 Oh, shit, dude. I'm crying.

Speaker 4 Oh, the guy that compares is one of my, it's one of the fun. He's got kids.
I don't got kids. You know that guy?

Speaker 1 I don't got kids. I'll tell you a story.
I'll tell you a story. Guy working for the Brooklyn Fire Department goes up a ladder.

Speaker 1 There's a can in the tree.

Speaker 1 All right. I think.

Speaker 1 Indignant. Whatever the fuck that is.
Why is my face so fucking red?

Speaker 4 I just don't know. No, you look good.
You look healthy. I look fucking pale.
I don't know what's going on with this fucking light. Oh, dude, you know what we're doing?

Speaker 1 Paul, you look like the mozzarelle.

Speaker 4 We're going to knock a wall down over here. I'm going to make a bigger offer.
All right, let's get into this.

Speaker 1 Paul, why don't you just get fucking have a yard sale?

Speaker 4 You know that guy, too? That guy?

Speaker 1 No, have a yard sale. Don't knock down the wall in your fucking house.
Why are you going to knock a wall down?

Speaker 4 No, no, just a closet wall. Right here is a closet that we don't use.

Speaker 1 So they're just going to make shoes.

Speaker 1 Pauly, Paulie, where you put your shoes. You don't have a closet.

Speaker 4 You know,

Speaker 1 remember that every mob movie? Paulie, wait, wait. Paulie, let's think about this.

Speaker 1 You got your whole future ahead of you.

Speaker 1 You take that closet. Where are you going to put your shoes?

Speaker 1 Paulie, think about your mother. What is this going to do to your mother? You take out the closet.

Speaker 1 Come on, sit down, have a cutlet. Sit down, have a cutlet.

Speaker 1 Paula, you're breaking my heart as you walk away. You're breaking my heart.

Speaker 4 You know what I like? I like the guy that points to shit in his house that he did. Yeah, you see up there? No, no, we were gonna, we, we, we lowered it.

Speaker 1 You know, that guy goes like this.

Speaker 4 He goes, no, we lowered it. We're gonna keep, I'm telling you, for the benefit.

Speaker 1 Right in the middle of a bike.

Speaker 1 And then he knows that he's he's losing it, so he puts that hand on your shoulder.

Speaker 1 Come on, come on.

Speaker 1 start guiding you around his house

Speaker 1 uh

Speaker 1 anyway you meet bill yet you meet bills

Speaker 4 uh the point that he did guys my favorite

Speaker 1 you could give a

Speaker 1 you could give a

Speaker 4 No, the ventilation wasn't coming through over there.

Speaker 4 There was like a little air and then he's like, yeah, all right, man.

Speaker 1 It changed some shit. I would have noticed.
It looks original to the house.

Speaker 4 Okay, here we go. Week number, dude, I'm crying.
This is a great one. All right, here we go.
My first pick this week, I have not really looked at these guys, but

Speaker 4 oh my God, that's a big line for the Commanders, dude.

Speaker 1 Why are the Commanders 10 and a half over the Cowboys?

Speaker 4 That's a big one.

Speaker 1 Because they have my third cousin under center.

Speaker 1 On the back of his jersey, it says, who the fuck is that? No, wait a minute. Is that that kid from the Longhorns? Jake the Snake.

Speaker 1 Who's on the center for the... Nobody's on the center.
They're all in shotgun.

Speaker 1 Who's taking a long look at the center's ass this week

Speaker 1 for the Cowboys?

Speaker 6 They got this guy, Cooper Rush, back up.

Speaker 1 Cooper Rush.

Speaker 5 Yeah, he's...

Speaker 1 I like that.

Speaker 5 It's a cool name.

Speaker 4 All right, my first pick, guys. I'm going to go with the theme I said.
I love, by the way, the 49ers. I met a bunch of them.
Great people. I think it's kind of coming to an end for a little bit.

Speaker 4 I'm going to take the Green Bay Packers at Lambeau Field minus three.

Speaker 4 I think that

Speaker 4 they're a great team, and I think they're playing a team that's a little beaten up and tired. I like that it's only three, and I like that the Packers are at home.

Speaker 4 Jordan Love, everybody over there seems healthy. Packers minus three at home against the reeling.

Speaker 4 San Francisco 49ers.

Speaker 1 All right. I'm going to take the Arizona Cardinals minus one going into Seattle because Seattle keeps winning.
And who the fuck do they think they are, Paul? Who do they think they are?

Speaker 1 They think they're just going to win out the rest of the year? They think you're going to play a division rivalry. Kyler Murray running around like a fucking water bug? I don't think so.

Speaker 1 I think he goes in there, he bangs some white chick in the rain, and then he goes and he beats the Seahawks. That's what I'm saying.

Speaker 4 Did you see Kyler Murray at Joe's Pizza by the comedy seller the other day in that video?

Speaker 1 Oh, dude, what is our bet?

Speaker 4 What's our bet?

Speaker 1 We have a Kyler Murray bet.

Speaker 1 We do?

Speaker 3 We do.

Speaker 4 What is it?

Speaker 1 Well, I can't say it because he's going to see this and then get inspired.

Speaker 4 Oh, yes. Oh, yeah.
No, you're right. You're 100%.

Speaker 1 We just got to say it because who gives a fuck? No, yeah. I said at some point, he's going to have a weight issue.

Speaker 1 Yeah.

Speaker 1 I agree.

Speaker 1 Something about his face.

Speaker 4 He was eating the pizza and he looked.

Speaker 1 It just looks like he goes to daily donuts to me. I don't know why, but he's still in shape.
But there's something about his face. It just says in the future yeah he's gonna have a happy offseason

Speaker 4 but i will say this i thought carmelo anthony was too and carmelo anthony's like five six years removed from the nba and he's nice and thin still so he works out he's holding it together good um ladies man paul you know he knows what he's doing he smokes cigars i think smoking the cigars you know curbs the appetite yes yeah no kyler murray was at joe's pizza and it says

Speaker 4 this guy doesn't know who that he's standing next to Kyler Murray. And Kyler Murray's got just a hat on and like a jean jacket, totally looked like a civilian.

Speaker 4 And he's eating pizza, and there's a guy next to him, and he goes, What's your name, man? And the guy says, Oh, I'm Shirana or whatever. The guy was from Sweden.
And he goes, What's your name?

Speaker 4 And he goes, I'm Kyler. And he's like, What kind of pizza did you get? They're just eating it, hammering it, and stuff.
And dude, he's little, dude. He's like five.

Speaker 1 He's regular people's size.

Speaker 4 Dude, he's like Drew Brees. Drew Brees was 5'10.
He's like, dude, Drew Brees was like your size, Bill. And he's an MVP Super Bowl champion.

Speaker 1 Oh, I know.

Speaker 1 Carla Murray has a clothing line at the Gap.

Speaker 4 Gap kids.

Speaker 1 Okay.

Speaker 4 That's... What did you pick, Bill?

Speaker 1 You picked the fucking Cardinals, Paul. Okay.
You know why, Paul? Because I realized it's my life.

Speaker 1 You know?

Speaker 1 And I'm not going to be silent anymore.

Speaker 1 That's the woman version of the guy going, you know, I put my pants on every day.

Speaker 1 I got I'm gonna take the Kansas City Chiefs minus 11 and I realized both the gap and that last thing just bombed. Go ahead.
I'm not that delusional.

Speaker 4 I'm looking at lines. Nobody's Jacob's.
That was funny.

Speaker 1 No, I'm looking at lines.

Speaker 4 I'm gonna take the Chiefs minus 11

Speaker 4 after a loss.

Speaker 1 Hey, Paul, why don't you take everything that I want? You know, you selfish bastard. I didn't know.
What are you trying?

Speaker 1 Dude, that was the classic kid from divorce. Like, it's such a ridiculous thing to accuse you of.
You still apologize.

Speaker 1 I didn't know. Because of my dad.
Because of my dad, man.

Speaker 4 Yeah, I look, they're playing the Panthers and they're coming off a loss. I mean, 11's a lot, though, but we'll see.

Speaker 1 Hey, I'm going to take the New England Patriots plus seven and a half with Drew Locke.

Speaker 1 I don't know. Is that the name of our quarter? Drake May.
Sorry. Drew Locke.
Where the fuck did I take that? Drake May.

Speaker 1 Oh, Billy, no sleep. I'll take the Patriots seven and a half.
Going down to Miami.

Speaker 1 You know, maybe somebody scores an eight ball. They get a little more amped up on fucking defense.
And they take it to attack a Tatuba Diiba Daba. And we fucking cover.

Speaker 4 Should I do it to be a little fun? I'm going to do it to be a little fun. I'm going to take the New York Football Giants, Tommy DeVito,

Speaker 4 getting six at home against the Buccaneers. Let's see what happens.

Speaker 1 I'm not going to fucking say anything, but I swear to God, if I got to fucking deal with the fucking, oh my God, a third string quarterback is in the Giants. Let's make this a national fucking story.

Speaker 1 Because anything that happens in New York is so God.

Speaker 1 He fucking, he likes coverts. He likes them this way.
He likes them now. Look at his fucking uncle dressed like he's in the godfather.
Yeah. Yep.

Speaker 1 Oh my God.

Speaker 4 Yep.

Speaker 1 Anyway,

Speaker 1 yeah, whatever, whatever.

Speaker 1 I'm going to go, I'm going to take the Ravens. Mine is three Monday night because who the fuck do the Chargers think they are, Paul?

Speaker 1 They think you're just going to go around slapping around the Bengals.

Speaker 1 And then next week, the Ravens, I'm going to come in and bring you back down to earth and remind you you only get one of two things, perfect weather or a good football team.

Speaker 3 Yeah.

Speaker 4 I like it.

Speaker 1 Paul, you're fucking killing me this week because you haven't looked at the lines. I'm doing jokes.
You're not fucking doing, you're not, you're giving me nothing.

Speaker 4 Oh, I'm sorry, dude.

Speaker 1 You know what I feel like right now? I feel like a coach that lost the team. That's what I feel like.

Speaker 1 I lost a lot.

Speaker 1 I'm talking. They're looking down.
They're reading shit. And it's not paying attention.

Speaker 1 They lost the team. They're taking away shit.
I haven't watched the second of hockey, but my Bruins Bruins have been playing so bad, we already got rid of our coach before Thanksgiving, Paul.

Speaker 1 It's pretty old.

Speaker 1 Whoa. Well, I mean, Paul, they haven't even put the Christmas lights up yet.
Okay.

Speaker 4 I mean, it's a what is it, a month-old season?

Speaker 1 Not even? Well, the ice was still slushy. Oh, my God.
This guy got fired.

Speaker 1 Nobody's even caught a cold yet, Paul. And this guy got fired.

Speaker 4 No, he did something to somebody's. He said something rude to somebody's wife.

Speaker 1 He lost the locker room.

Speaker 4 That quickly?

Speaker 1 That quick. It happened very quickly.

Speaker 1 Oof.

Speaker 1 That's a tough one. Hey, Paul, it's going to be,

Speaker 1 you know, they're going to be playing Silent Night on Thanksgiving Day. All right.

Speaker 4 I got to.

Speaker 1 I'm sorry. I'm just in a stupid mood.

Speaker 4 Dude, Angelo Lozato, rest his soul.

Speaker 4 Me and him were on a podcast years ago, and we were talking about how the Knicks fired their coach, and we were crying, laughing, going, you're looking for him in the bathroom and he goes yo mike he goes yeah they're asking for who's asking

Speaker 1 yo who's asking dude we were

Speaker 1 crying you know what the worst thing about getting fired at that level is the amount of people that know it before you do

Speaker 1 you sense it and then people just start acting weird in the in the halls as you walk it's got to be it's just got to be But I know, no, but you know, going back to the Jets, nobody did it.

Speaker 1 Can I say goodbye to the team? You get your shit. You get the fuck up.

Speaker 4 That was, you just took the words out of my mouth. Not letting you address your guys is.
I mean, they walked him to the car, they said.

Speaker 1 Yeah, like holding his fucking arm.

Speaker 1 Guys, I know we didn't make the class, it wasn't that bad.

Speaker 1 We stole a lot of merch.

Speaker 1 We stole a lot of merch.

Speaker 1 Oh, shit. This is in my car.

Speaker 1 Let me talk to Aaron. Let me just talk to Aaron.

Speaker 1 Aaron Rodgers.

Speaker 1 He killed that thin-faced cunt, he's the reason why I'm out here right now. I hope he has a good holiday.

Speaker 1 I took the vaccine. I took the vaccine.

Speaker 1 I got it twice.

Speaker 1 I made it twice. I got the booster.
I got the booster.

Speaker 4 Oh, shit.

Speaker 1 My wife made a move on me. It didn't react.

Speaker 1 I blame on Santo.

Speaker 1 I blame on Santo.

Speaker 1 All right. Sorry.
Ah, ah.

Speaker 4 Oh, God.

Speaker 1 If this isn't. He doesn't have to take it, but I do.

Speaker 1 The window.

Speaker 4 He's trying to lower the window, yelling as he's leaving.

Speaker 1 Oh,

Speaker 1 you before i'm out of here you're gonna suck after

Speaker 1 joe davis was a fluke

Speaker 1 it was a conspiracy to merge the leagues

Speaker 4 oh god bill all right oh my god all right with my fourth oh my dude this hurts my fourth and final pick

Speaker 1 I'm gonna do

Speaker 1 I'm gonna do something.

Speaker 4 I'm gonna be a third.

Speaker 1 I've only picked two teams. I got the Cardinals and and the Ribbons.
I'm the Patriots. You're right.
Sorry. Sorry.
Sorry. Oh, Jesus, Andrew.
Do you have to do that to me?

Speaker 1 But you just flash. You're wrong.
All right. I got it.
All right. What do you want?

Speaker 4 I'm going to take, as much as I hate to do this, dude, they're flying. No pun intended.
I'm going to take the Eagles minus three against the Rams.

Speaker 4 Saquon Barkley, watching what he's doing. What could I say? The Eagles minus three.

Speaker 1 All right, real quick, real quick, real quick.

Speaker 1 Jake the Snake, it's any of their receivers back for the rams i know they had a bunch of uh

Speaker 6 is anybody back yeah they're back and then uh devontae smith hasn't been practicing this week for the eagles so that's the other injury i was going to mention but um so we'll see on friday will tell us if he's playing or not uh all right there you go paul look at me look at me looking out for you i'm taking i'm taking the eagles still thank you though bill

Speaker 1 You know, Paul, when I come in one and three, you know, I feel I got to spread that around, you know, just let people know. Let people know what's going on.
Um,

Speaker 1 oh, I'm just feeling, I'm fucking Billy's favorites this week, you know. Do I need to take a dog, Paul?

Speaker 5 You got the Patriots in there.

Speaker 1 Oh, I do. I'm just Billy confused.
Like, I don't even know what

Speaker 1 Patriots.

Speaker 1 Paul, please don't say my picks again out loud. I'm just going to make me cry on the road.

Speaker 4 I'm just going through mine. I got Giants, Chiefs, Eagles, and Packers.

Speaker 1 I'm done. So you got the last one.

Speaker 1 Paul, I realize you're done. You got four and you were still running your yap.

Speaker 1 I didn't remember. Paul, listen, I'm just giving you shit because I don't know what I'm...
All right, here we go. Let's take out the magic glasses.

Speaker 1 Let's see if we can find, see if we can find a fucking winner here. Jesus Christ.

Speaker 1 Now, the Buccaneers, Paul, who do they play for?

Speaker 1 Is that New Jersey?

Speaker 1 I think I'm going to take the Lions, minus seven and a half, because I'm a fucking idiot. Because they had a big game last week.
I know that Richardson kid is back.

Speaker 1 Ah, seven and a half. Why do they gotta go seven and a half? Don't you dare write that yet, Andrew.
Don't you. You keep your fucking guitar playing fingers away from them.

Speaker 1 All right, fuck it. I'm going Lions.
I'm going Lions. You know what I want to be, Paul? This year, I want to be the relatable gambler.
The guy who can't fucking throw it in the ocean.

Speaker 1 That's what I got. Oh, Jesus, Paul.
Look at that.

Speaker 1 All right.

Speaker 1 I don't know what pics look like this week. You ever see somebody who's been married five times and you see their first four wives? You're like, what the fuck was he doing?

Speaker 1 Then he finally gets it right.

Speaker 1 I like those picks.

Speaker 1 I like all our picks.

Speaker 4 We're going to go 8-0 with these picks.

Speaker 1 And that's the difference. That's the difference, Paul.

Speaker 5 New York among all.

Speaker 1 Yeah.

Speaker 1 No, don't put Boston on me.

Speaker 1 It's Paul and me.

Speaker 1 That's right. Okay, let's stop with the New York winner fucking things.
Jet Smets guy, those Jet Smets guys.

Speaker 1 They dragged,

Speaker 1 drag it down. Those Jersey Jets Mets guys with their shoulders and slumped over, that off-track betting thing.
I'm telling you.

Speaker 1 My Frag Sinatra song does not take away Jets Mets fans.

Speaker 1 Oh, and then if you choose the Knicks or the Rangers, you're still fucked. You're still fucked.

Speaker 1 Knicks, hopefully.

Speaker 1 If you go Yankees, Giants, what you get is what you're looking there right there. Paul Bersey.
Look at that. Look at the light.
Look at the light in his eye.

Speaker 4 No.

Speaker 1 I'm on the come up, Paul.

Speaker 1 Paul,

Speaker 1 you've seen a lot. Five World Series.

Speaker 1 Yeah. Four Super Bowls.

Speaker 1 Look at you.

Speaker 1 Nothing with the Knicks, though.

Speaker 1 Hey, Paul, don't be a cunt. All right.
It's not how life works. You don't get everything.

Speaker 1 I want one. I want one.

Speaker 1 I need one. You like that side piece that

Speaker 1 thinks the guy's going to leave his wife. It's not happening.

Speaker 4 I would take.

Speaker 1 the Knicks are done, Paul. I would, no, they're not.
God, God doesn't like them.

Speaker 4 You see how serious I took it? No, they're not.

Speaker 1 They're

Speaker 1 all right.

Speaker 1 Every fucking year, Paul breaks my heart.

Speaker 4 You just made me sound like dice clay.

Speaker 1 Don't you wish you played for the Knicks? Yeah, no, no, I know.

Speaker 1 That's for the fans.

Speaker 4 Oh, the guy, the guy KD.

Speaker 1 Yeah. Yo, KD.

Speaker 1 Paul, this is my impression. This is my impression of the New York Knicks.

Speaker 1 No rings. Oh.

Speaker 1 I got two.

Speaker 4 They were the size of my wedding ring.

Speaker 1 That's how small those rings were. Those were mobster pinky rings that they got.

Speaker 1 No,

Speaker 1 I'll be Osby Paul. The day the fucking Knicks win.
Oh, I'm going to be so happy for you. I'm not going to be happy for James Talon Harris.
I'm not going to be that guy.

Speaker 1 Oh, my God. The level of shit that that guy talks.
You'd think that they were winning.

Speaker 4 I got to be honest with you. If they win, my son Lucas is going to.

Speaker 4 My son Lucas makes me look like I'm not even a Knicks fan.

Speaker 4 The level he gives a fuck, going to his room, slamming things, happy hugging when they win. He's going to break down.

Speaker 4 And I'll be right there.

Speaker 1 Do you feel guilty that you did that to him?

Speaker 4 Dude, I only took him to games. I didn't go that nuts.
He went hard.

Speaker 1 They're not that far away, Paul. Listen, I just gave him a little taste.
I didn't know. I didn't know he was gonna.

Speaker 4 I took the kid to the garden. I wet his beak.

Speaker 4 You want to know what's funny? Lucas is now 5'10 and lanky, and I still hug him and kiss him and tell him I love him like I always did.

Speaker 4 But now it looks like I'm his son because he just puts his huge arms around me.

Speaker 1 I'm just picturing you on your tiptoes and your air max.

Speaker 1 He's kissing the top of your head,

Speaker 1 giving you a lunchbox.

Speaker 1 All right, son, I got to go gamble.

Speaker 4 Okay, dad.

Speaker 4 You know what he said to me the other day? He goes, dad, because dude, he's like so smart, my kid, right?

Speaker 4 And he goes, he goes, goes dad can i think it's time he makes like high honor role he's like you know on varsity and basketball young he's just a great well-rounded kid he goes dad i think it's time you and mom get me a gambling account and he goes because i know my i go buddy you're not getting a gambling account he goes why just give me one reason why I go, you're 15 years old.

Speaker 4 You're not gambling.

Speaker 1 Okay.

Speaker 4 And he goes, it would just be little. I said, you're not.
And then I go, fine, fine. You want to know that? You don't have money.
And he goes, I know. That's why I need to gamble.
I got to get them.

Speaker 1 Oh, no.

Speaker 4 He was half joking, but I just bursted out laughing.

Speaker 4 He goes, I know.

Speaker 1 That's why I need some money.

Speaker 4 All right, we got the Monday night special, and it is the, I'm with Bill. I like the Ravens minus three.
Sorry, Jake the Snake.

Speaker 1 I think.

Speaker 1 I'll be there. You'll be there?

Speaker 1 Dude, when I made that joke about perfect weather, I still think they're in San Diego. I'm never going to get past that.

Speaker 6 LA's close enough.

Speaker 1 Tell that the people in San Diego that grew up with Dan Fox and all those San Diego superchargers.

Speaker 1 All right.

Speaker 4 What's the under over on Lamar Jackson rushing yards, Andrew? Let's do that, dude. Lamar's gonna run.

Speaker 4 Andrew Themlis is. Oh, there he is.

Speaker 5 Yeah, they'll probably run all over us.

Speaker 1 Andrew was on the phone with the stockbroker trying to move around his trust fund money.

Speaker 4 His total yards is 51, right? Or no? No.

Speaker 5 I can't click it.

Speaker 4 Lamar Jackson, rushing yards.

Speaker 3 42.

Speaker 3 42.

Speaker 1 Oh, Paul. Under?

Speaker 1 They just.

Speaker 1 Listen, dude, I don't want to fucking.

Speaker 1 You don't want to do that one? All right. I don't like that one.
Okay.

Speaker 6 Ravens money line to start?

Speaker 1 You want to do weakness?

Speaker 4 Well, we could do, what's it called? We could do Herbert to throw one and Lamar to throw one.

Speaker 5 Herbert throw one, Herbert throw one, definitely.

Speaker 6 I like the Lamar one, too.

Speaker 6 You can go Derrick Henry to run one.

Speaker 1 Oh, let's do that.

Speaker 4 Let's do Herbert to throw one, Derrick Henry to Derrick Henry to run one.

Speaker 1 Derrick Henry is the superhero.

Speaker 4 And then we'll take the Ravens.

Speaker 1 It's like if Iron Man was playing football, he's amazing. Or the Hulk.

Speaker 4 Yeah, the fact that a man that size that looks like a middle linebacker runs like that is unbelievable, man.

Speaker 1 Yeah,

Speaker 1 I'm amazed limbs don't come off when that guy goes through the fucking line.

Speaker 4 And I believe candidate for MVP again, man, King Henry.

Speaker 3 Yeah, him and Lamar.

Speaker 4 Was almost out of the NFL. Was almost out of the NFL after year one or two, and then somebody was like, dude, what the fuck are you doing?

Speaker 4 I think it was Eddie George.

Speaker 4 If my memory's correct.

Speaker 1 Eddie.

Speaker 4 Eddie George went up to him and goes, dude, what the fuck are you doing, man? You could own this fucking league. You need to start playing with some heart.
And then fucking, he just changed.

Speaker 1 Wow.

Speaker 4 I mean, I thought it was an inspiring story, but I don't think this podcast got quiet.

Speaker 1 No, you know what I was thinking of? Did you ever see that barstool sports thing when that kid was gambling?

Speaker 1 The dude's rooting for him.

Speaker 4 He's one card away. He's like, Eddie,

Speaker 1 you you have like a 97% chance of winning.

Speaker 1 And the one fucking county card. I don't understand poker.
Flips it over and he goes, and you lost.

Speaker 1 And then he didn't want to.

Speaker 1 But he fucking rolled over and just started laughing, going, I'm sorry, sorry. He goes, my favorite thing,

Speaker 1 he goes, that shouldn't have happened.

Speaker 1 That's the greatest thing ever. Like, it was this fucking tragedy.
Like, that never should have happened. No, Bill,

Speaker 4 what about him with the

Speaker 4 other guy, his buddy Jerry? He's going, come on, sweetie.

Speaker 1 Come on, get him, sweetie. Get him, sweetie.

Speaker 1 He goes,

Speaker 1 she lost. And then he goes, no, she won.

Speaker 4 She won.

Speaker 4 She lost.

Speaker 1 Oh, God.

Speaker 1 What about that dude? Come on, you six.

Speaker 1 Come on.

Speaker 1 He's got the muffin top. He's standing in in his jeans with his fucking belly hanging over.

Speaker 1 And before he's walking around going, it's so stupid.

Speaker 1 You don't bet the ponies. You always lose.
You always lose. Come on, you six.
Come on. He's doing like, like, what the fuck is like?

Speaker 4 I love when the guy slaps his own ass with the betting magazine.

Speaker 1 Yeah, that guy. Oh, God, he's riding the horse.
That's fucking amazing.

Speaker 6 A classic.

Speaker 1 That's just complete failure as a parent.

Speaker 4 Bill, that snap of the finger is amazing.

Speaker 1 Oh, that's what happens when you're not there to teach a kid how to ride a bike. I'm telling you,

Speaker 1 that's what it ends up.

Speaker 4 By the way, shout out to Andrew Themlos, who just made this look like a professional sports show. That was amazing with your graphics there, Andrew.

Speaker 1 Oh, wonderful.

Speaker 4 You had the lineup, you had the prop bets, you had us in little boxes.

Speaker 1 ESP, I got nothing on you.

Speaker 1 All right.

Speaker 4 All right, guys. So there you have it.
We're going to take the Monday night special is going to be the Ravens minus three, King Harry

Speaker 1 goes either side.

Speaker 1 I like the jump. I love the unathletic jump.
Like when he goes, he goes like this. He goes,

Speaker 1 I got watch the jump, Paul.

Speaker 1 Watch his leg and his arm.

Speaker 1 It's like there's a string on them together. Oh, sorry, I went the wrong way.
It's like just

Speaker 1 oh, this is great.

Speaker 4 I love how he goes to riding it, too. Oh, so good.

Speaker 1 Hey.

Speaker 4 Andrew, Andrew, you're on point today, kid.

Speaker 1 We should also point out, I don't know if you guys watched the game last night, but Russell Wilson in a Steelers uniform, marching down the field in the snow in Cleveland on a Thursday night.

Speaker 1 It's like, this is why the NFL is the best product. Like, I don't know, I mean, what a great game that was.
And he was starting to look like old school Russell Jones.

Speaker 1 I think he just didn't like the altitude in the Broncos and a mile high. i mean the the snow i mean how much how fun was that game i mean yeah well you know what was great

Speaker 1 was the weather channel was going like oh my god he storms in cleveland

Speaker 4 because they had it on for some reason the weather channel and then they cut to the game and it's still cleveland and it's just like snow flurries it's like wait a minute i thought the world was ending um jameis winston i just have to say this jameis winston is going to be a crazy old man because now every time he talks it's it's getting to a level like they just go, and listen, and I love the guy, but he goes, they go, what do you think about this weather?

Speaker 1 And he just goes, I just have to thank God when I am playing in this football weather, in the snow, in Cleveland, Ohio,

Speaker 4 tonight, in this thing, starting corner. And it's like, oh, dude, he's going to be, he's a few years away, dude.

Speaker 1 Yeah, the first question she asked, he was just like, you know, just going to thank God, blah, blah, blah. And she's like, okay.
She's like, so that's great. That's why you think we're here.
Okay.

Speaker 1 So what about the weather? And he goes, God, again.

Speaker 1 It was just like,

Speaker 1 look up,

Speaker 1 go to that every time. Cleveland, Ohio.

Speaker 1 It was just like, all right.

Speaker 4 All his teammates said, this is the funniest thing I've ever heard a teammate say about a quarterback.

Speaker 4 They go, every time he kneels down in the huddle to give the play, it sounds like he's whispering a surprise.

Speaker 1 Like,

Speaker 1 all right.

Speaker 1 Hey, $300 million.

Speaker 1 Was it right? $300 million?

Speaker 1 Yeah,

Speaker 1 keep bad people away from that guy. I'm rooting for him.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Speaker 1 Yeah, somebody's going to come in and fucking try to get him to invest in a steakhouse or something. Just watch out for that.
Anybody who's handling his money, just

Speaker 1 all right. Well, we got the Ravens.
We got the Ravens.

Speaker 1 We got Iron Man to do what? Score one? Run one?

Speaker 4 Henry to run one and Herbert to throw one.

Speaker 1 And

Speaker 4 that's it, everybody, for week number 12. Holy shit, dude.
It's over.

Speaker 1 It's over. Season's over.

Speaker 6 Did you see Michigan got the number one quarterback in the country yesterday? They flipped him from LSU.

Speaker 4 Did they?

Speaker 1 Yeah.

Speaker 6 Portnoy apparently paid $10 million

Speaker 5 for this guy.

Speaker 6 That's why I'd heard you guys bring up Barstool.

Speaker 7 So I was like, that's the game's rubber.

Speaker 1 Wait a second. Wait, Portnoy paid?

Speaker 6 Apparently, Barstool offered the kid $10 million.

Speaker 5 That's the rumor.

Speaker 6 But yeah, he decommitted from LSU. He's going to Michigan.
Dude, can I ask you a question?

Speaker 1 What the fuck is happening to this country?

Speaker 1 That's got to be illegal.

Speaker 1 At least he's getting some money and not the fucking boosters.

Speaker 1 That's true, too. That's true.
But I'm just saying, dude, it's like

Speaker 1 this used to be backroom shit, dude.

Speaker 1 Right?

Speaker 1 I'm not shitting on Barstool. What they did, fucking, God bless them.
That's always been done. But

Speaker 1 you did it in the woods. You didn't get into behind an IHOP.
That's how it fucking went down on the hood of a fucking gold transam. That's how you fucking did it.
That's how Dion

Speaker 1 Politicians openly saying we can inside a trade. The Supreme Court going you can fucking bribe a politician now.
It's called a gratuity, Paul. These are fucking.

Speaker 1 This is crazy.

Speaker 1 What did we get rid of the mob for, Paul?

Speaker 1 So all

Speaker 1 so all of these white-collar guys could do it legally

Speaker 4 right when the mob left, everything went to hell. Just saying

Speaker 1 it was all smooth before that. No, no, but yeah, I bet it.

Speaker 1 Listen, this is the thing.

Speaker 4 He was the best guy around.

Speaker 1 The mob was regulated. The mob was regulated because what they were doing was fucking illegal.
Bill, Bill. Corporations, corporations.

Speaker 1 What murder?

Speaker 4 Bill, he was the best guy around. What about all the people he murdered?

Speaker 1 What murders?

Speaker 1 There you go. He was the best guy around.

Speaker 1 What murders?

Speaker 1 Like, what was he trying to do? do? He was just trying to make noise.

Speaker 4 All right, guys. Well, listen.

Speaker 1 I was the best husband around.

Speaker 1 What about all the side horse? What, ho.

Speaker 1 It works, Paul. It works for any subject.

Speaker 4 Oh, no.

Speaker 1 I got the best diet around.

Speaker 1 What about all that McDonald's? What, McDonald's?

Speaker 1 It's got all the empty containers in the back.

Speaker 1 All right.

Speaker 1 All right. Hey, I got to tell you, Paul, like,

Speaker 1 this fucking tour has been one of my favorite tours I've ever done. I started in Ojai.
I did a three-in-the-afternoon show at a little fucking amphitheater, and like the whole fucking town showed up.

Speaker 1 That's awesome. And I literally go, I did some joke.
I go, Jesus Christ, this lady's going to go tell the mayor. And they go, he's here.
Oh, that's great.

Speaker 1 I felt like I was in a Christmas movie. Then I did Bakersfield, low-key, ridiculously amazing town.
There's no corporate shit up there. You walk down the street.
There's all these cool, like,

Speaker 1 guitar stores and fucking auto bodies and just fucking regular people with their own businesses that, you know, some pet boys didn't come in and take away.

Speaker 1 Did Modesto last night. Nice.
And tonight, I'm in Stockton.

Speaker 1 Home of the Diaz brothers. And

Speaker 1 who's that musician? I will always love you. I'm not going to try to hit that high note.

Speaker 1 Whitney Houston.

Speaker 1 Not Whitney Houston.

Speaker 1 Whitney Houston wears some new jersey. Yeah.
Yeah. No, I know, but I will always love you.
Dolly Parker wrote it. No, no, no.
No, I will never. No, no, I

Speaker 1 will never fall.

Speaker 1 Oh, my God. I know.
Dude, I respect Chris Heisden. I've yelled so much on stage this week.
I can't even. Chris Heisdick.
I think he's from.

Speaker 5 Yeah, that's what it is.

Speaker 1 All right.

Speaker 1 I sound like I ruptured my spleen halfway through that.

Speaker 4 This has been one of the funniest anything betters.

Speaker 4 This is the best. This is the best.
And guess what? You people got the best team. You got the best injury report guy.
You got the best producer. You got the best host.
What more do you want?

Speaker 1 The best sports show around.

Speaker 1 What about all those losses? What losses?

Speaker 4 I was just thinking of that.

Speaker 4 What about the times they went 0-4?

Speaker 1 What 0-4? Never.

Speaker 1 uh daniel jones he's the best quarterback around

Speaker 1 they just put it tommy cutlass what cutlass

Speaker 4 paul what about your mark sanchez prediction what prediction

Speaker 1 you said this guy's special no i said he's a star he's a star

Speaker 4 and then who did you have i had mine was sanchez you had sam who was sam he went to oklahoma oh bradford Sam Bradford.

Speaker 1 Sam Bradford. I believe that's Sam Bradford.

Speaker 1 And Paul, you and I will never walk away from those.

Speaker 1 It's going to follow us.

Speaker 4 I knew Sam Bradford wasn't when he was in street clothes. They were like Pete Carroll khakis and he was in his 20s.

Speaker 1 I was like, oh, come on. That's Eli wear.

Speaker 1 Maybe that was it.

Speaker 1 It was residual from losing to the Giants. I thought this guy dresses like Eli.
I believe in him.

Speaker 1 What khakis? Oh, by the way, by the way, if Eli should be first, first fucking ballot Hall of Famer.

Speaker 4 Why'd you have to do that? Don't do that now.

Speaker 1 Did it already come and go?

Speaker 4 No, no, it didn't come and go. But if he doesn't, it's going to be your dude.
Just clear your text, hey. Clear your text if he doesn't.

Speaker 1 Well, if he doesn't get in, it's because of the New York sports media that never fucking appreciated him. They didn't like him because he was a southerner.
That's what the fuck it was.

Speaker 1 And then also, They're fucking lazy in New York, the sports writers. They want you to come in with a fur crow, dressed like Joe Namath and going out in the town.

Speaker 1 So it fucking, the article writes itself. That's what it is.
And that fucking guy, dude, I'm telling you, the bigger the game, the better he fucking played.

Speaker 1 And those fat cunts and the sports writers, all they ever did, dude, the guy had two rings on his finger and they were still coming after him.

Speaker 1 Still coming after him.

Speaker 4 I was at a Monday night football game

Speaker 4 at the Giants place with a guy next to me, Giants fan, they're playing the Rams. And he just goes,

Speaker 4 I don't know if he's the guy after the fucking Super Bowl. I mean, it's, it's.

Speaker 1 After the fucking Super Bowl.

Speaker 4 You hopped out of your chair on that one.

Speaker 1 How about this?

Speaker 1 Skip Bayless saying it was luck.

Speaker 4 How about this?

Speaker 4 He's more clutch than his brother ever was. How about that? He's more clutch than Peyton.
He just was.

Speaker 1 100% he was. 100% is a Patriots fan.
I don't want to see Eli. I want to see Peyton getting all upset with this team.
We have protection issues. Dude, this is how good Eli is.

Speaker 1 When I did that fucking show, all Peyton kept doing was to bring it up was the shit that Eli did to us. Yeah.

Speaker 1 Because he had nothing.

Speaker 4 And I'm not trying to be a dick because I never want to highlight somebody's negative shit, but he threw a pick to lose a Super Bowl, man. Eli went to two and played.

Speaker 1 But dude, I don't want to shit on Peyton because I love Peyton because you know what? That fucking guy showed up on Tom Brady Day and everybody gave him a fucking standing ovation.

Speaker 1 And he was funny as fucking hell and he was self-deprecating about that. Guy's cool as shit.
I would never question him.

Speaker 1 However, when I did that show, the only way he could try to get to me was bringing up what his little brother did. So maybe he's just a proud older brother, Paul.
There you go.

Speaker 1 It's the holiday season. Let's spin it in a positive way.

Speaker 4 I love Peyton. I love when you used to sing that, Bill.
When you used to go, doobie-dooby-doo.

Speaker 1 What was that?

Speaker 4 The holiday season.

Speaker 1 Oh, it's the holiday season.

Speaker 1 Doobie-dooby-doo. And fucking this.

Speaker 4 All right, guys, listen.

Speaker 1 And avoiding your dad. There's you going the back door because he's a fucking lunatic.
Who banged your mom? Sorry.

Speaker 4 What about when you didn't show up on the holidays?

Speaker 1 What holidays?

Speaker 1 I gave you the best toys around.

Speaker 1 All right, we're killing that. Let's go.
Let's get out of here.

Speaker 4 All right, here we go, guys.

Speaker 4 Thank you. Those are our picks.
Go to download the Bet MGM app on your device and use our code Burr. B-U-R-R.

Speaker 4 You put a minimum of... $10 in there.
And if the bet loses,

Speaker 4 you'll get $1,500 in bonus bets back. Also, the first touchdown offer, guys, is you do a prop bet.
You pick anybody on any NFL team to score the first touchdown of any game. And if they do, you win.

Speaker 4 If they don't, but they're second, you'll still get your cash back. So that's a good deal.

Speaker 4 Bet responsibly. We always say just bet to have fun.
And we will see you next week. Oh, guys, if you're watching this tonight, this comes out today, right?

Speaker 4 Andrew?

Speaker 1 Yes.

Speaker 4 I will be at the

Speaker 4 new, the newly renovated Providence Comedy Comedy Connection. I'll be there tonight for two and I'm hearing that shows are selling out starting to sell out tomorrow too.

Speaker 4 So check that out. Go to Paul Rosy.

Speaker 1 Hey, look, send me a video. I came up in that room, dude.
I want to see what they did to it. Oh, I will.
Yeah, yeah, I will.

Speaker 1 And we'll

Speaker 1 saw you there in 2008.

Speaker 1 There you go. I was there in 2008.
Wow.

Speaker 4 And the guys, dude, the guys bought it.

Speaker 1 You know what? We had tickets. I said, my ex had a death in the family, and I'm like, yeah, like, we're going to still go.
It's like the next day.

Speaker 1 It'll cheer you up. Dude,

Speaker 1 we went. Let's just say we went.
Okay.

Speaker 1 I died the whole time. And then I got home.
I'm like repeating jokes. It's like, still the somber atmosphere.
Oh, Jesus.

Speaker 1 No,

Speaker 1 that bro had the worst fucking sound for like 10 years. And then they finally fixed it and the room became magic.

Speaker 4 No,

Speaker 4 they bought it from the guy that owned it, and now they bought it from what's his name?

Speaker 1 Bill Blumenreich.

Speaker 4 They bought it from him, and it was great.

Speaker 1 They fixed a lot of it.

Speaker 4 And now it's amazing. And then they just bought the Apollo Theater that's in Providence.
So these guys are making moves. It's a great room.
I'll see you there this weekend.

Speaker 1 Shout out to Bill Blumenreich, man. He's one of my favorite promoters in the country.
Bill, you can stay at my house. You can drive my car.
I don't give a fuck. I just want to get you my room.

Speaker 4 Good impression. Remember, he gave me his keys to his car?

Speaker 1 He goes, oh,

Speaker 4 he goes, do you like

Speaker 4 S550s? Go, go. And I just drove it.
And he's like, yeah, go take it for a spin.

Speaker 1 Yeah, no, he's, he, dude, he's a fucking old school gangster. I remember the fucking

Speaker 1 Aspen Comedy Festival. He showed up with a cowboy hat and a fur length, a floor length,

Speaker 1 full length, whatever you say, fur coat. It was just standing there.

Speaker 1 It was a club owner. It was hilarious.
That's awesome.

Speaker 1 Most club owners try to act like they don't have any money, you know, so when they fuck you at the end of the week, it makes sense.

Speaker 1 But Bill always, that's what I love about Bill. It takes you forever to impress him, but when you do, that guy fucking pays you.
Pays you handsomely.

Speaker 1 Nothing but good things to say about him.

Speaker 1 All right, that's it. Let's jump off here.

Speaker 4 All right, we'll see you guys next week. Those are the picks.
Enjoy the Monday night special, and we'll see you next week for week 13. Until next time, we are out.