Monday Morning Podcast 11-18-24

Hey, what's going on? It's Bill Burr. It's time for the Monday Morning Podcast for Monday, Monday, Monday, Monday, November 18th, 2024.
What's going on? How are ya? I am podcasting right now from Ojai. The middle of the day, I'm watching the Patriots, you know, competing with the Los Angeles Rams, but the game is slipping away with the, you know, I don't know.
We're a young team, but whatever. I was excited at halftime when Gronk was saying, you know, that Drake May keeps improving because that's what it seems like is happening and that they have to build around this guy.
is the first time in a long time that i feel like we have a solid piece to build around um but you know matthew stafford is just too damn good and whatever the game is slipping away and i am okay with that um whatever you know i mean the more games we lose the higher draft pick we get, right? You win by losing. Isn't that a fun way to watch your teams? Anyway, I'm up in Ojai here.
I have a fucking afternoon show, which I think is going to be amazing. I'm at the Libby Bowl.
I'm in a park during the day. I've been up here for a couple days.
I brought the family up here. I've been having such a great time.
My daughter has been funnier than anybody up here. Just killing me.
She said at breakfast, she goes, Dad, your only talent is telling jokes and cursing. My wife did a spit take and I had like no comeback.
I'm like, that's kind of, uh, is that a joke or a statement? I mean, that's kind of, kind of, uh, kind of what it is. So, um, anyway, you know, the deal, you know, the deal I've been with my wife for three days, so she's over me.
So she's like, do you, you're gonna like, you're going to do your podcast. Are you going to do your podcast, which is like married code? Can you get the fuck out of the room that I'm in? Which I get.
Absence makes the heart fonder, especially when you're talking about me because evidently I'm a lot. Anyway, so I am up here and it's great.
Ojai is one of these places for the first couple of days. You're like, I could fucking live here.
And then after that, you're like, you know, it's great. Ojai is one of these places for like the first couple of days.

You're like, you know, I could fucking live here.

And then after that, you're like, you know, I think I understand the shining a little more than I did.

Oh, my God.

I'm going to have to open with that.

Ojai is this weird combination of earthy, crunchy, liberal, and then people walking around dressed like they're in Tombstone.

I don't know.

I have a major, I have major fucking issues with like people that like dress like they're in a movie.

It's like, I get it.

You're up here.

You're in the mountains.

But like, why are you dressed like fucking Sam Elliott in some cowboy movie? You know what I mean? Pulling up in a fucking escalade. If I see one more douchebag wearing a fucking cowboy hat that doesn't own a horse, you know what I mean? It's like, I get it.
I get it. You like things the way they were.
You know, that's another thing, too. All these fucking idiots going, like, we're living in assimilation.
We're living in assimilation. Yeah, you're part of it.
You're part of it. What is with every fucking thing that you do now has to have, like, an outfit.
You know, back in the day, you just did shit wearing the same clothes and now everybody it is a fucking outfit for everything why does every barista have to have a fucking knitted hat on regardless of how hot it is out inside i don't understand that and i'm fucking standing there waiting for a fucking coffee.

And these guys who are even older than me come walking in like they were just racing Lance Armstrong down the fucking street with their stupid click on shoes.

Oh, if you don't have those on, are your 60 year old legs going to slip out of the pedals because you're going so hard?

You fuck. I don't know.
I don't know. And then I was sitting there and I'm watching.
I'm watching fucking people pouring boxed water into plastic cups. And all I'm doing is thinking about the polarized caps melting as everyone's sitting underneath a heated lamp.
You know? Everybody talks about why this country got soft and no one ever brings up heated lamps. Are you getting a little chilly? Do you need another sun shining on you, you fucking let's just i'm just worried i'm gonna catch cold and go inside go inside to your fucking control i'm sorry i have um i've just been up here a few for a few days and i've yet to get like find the place where really good coffee is you know i'm back onto that shit you know i gotta get off i gotta get back onto the tea i drink the tea i'm fucking i'm relaxed but i i drink coffee and i'm walking around this fucking town and i swear to god if i hear any more fucking folk music which to me is the soundtrack to to uh incest that incest fucking music with the goddamn violin, the fucking banjo, Jimmy Crack Corn, whatever.
And I've been walking around this town, and that's what they're playing up here, which is kind of genius in a way. You know what I mean? If you subtly want to keep your town all white, that's what you do is you just have bands around town with banjos and fiddles and cowboy hats, you know, playing music like we're in fucking Tombstone, which one, and then simultaneously, you got electric cars driving down the street.
Like it's the weirdest, this is just a weird place and I've had enough and I want to fucking go home. But before I do, I have to go to this park and have a show, which I think is going to be great.
I'm not saying it's all bad up here. I'm just I'm a city guy.
I don't know what happened. I grew up in the suburbs and I and I you go one of two ways.
Oh, three ways. You got three ways.
Right. Either either be like, you know what? The suburbs is too suburb for me.

I'm going to go into the city.

Or this is too many fucking people.

I got to get out of here, which I also understand.

And then you go out to the country, right?

You go over the hill and you're just by yourself.

And then every four years, some guy with a comb over tells you that fucking, you know, immigrants and fucking trans people are coming over the fucking hill.

And what do you know?

What do you know?

You're out there.

You're out there with your fucking mailbox that's a quarter of a mile away from your house.

You don't know what the fuck's going on, right?

Or you go into the city and you start going like, well, okay, there's a guy smoking crack on my stoop. Do I step over him? Do I slide down the rail? Like, what is the proper social etiquette here? Is that a pile of human feces? You know, when I first moved to New York, I remember I would come back late at night and I would walk up my stoop and my stoop went up and you could on either side of it below the sidewalk it was like dug out because it was like basement apartments down there and they put the trash down there and i would go down there and there would be people down there smoking crack and i don't know if you guys remember the crack epidemic but when people were really hooked on on that shit, they looked like they were already dead.
And I remember I would come home, and I would fucking look down and lock eyes with them, and it would give you a fucking chill. You know what I mean? Because they looked like they had already passed into the next world, so obviously you have superpowers.
You know what I mean? So I'm thinking they're just going to fucking levitate up, like sort of lunge. Like what was that crouching tiger hidden dragon? Remember that when they were running in the air? Remember that was in like karate movies for half a second, people running in the air.
I remember I saw that movie and it won all these awards, but I've never seen a movie that was being serious. And the crowd laughing at the same time like laughing and how fucking ridiculous that was um so anyway i don't know if i'm gonna do my whole podcast here i'm not really podcasting as much as i'm giving my wife a break from me anyway billy jimbaud hit the hit the goddamn gym today uh gotta get back on my diet um going to france for a week and then doing snl last week um kind of threw me off i got real lazy in france and then i got busy in new york so uh i gotta get back on the grind.
So that's it. I've had no bread today.
I've had no sugar. Fucking crushing the waters.
And all I got to do is phase out the coffee, get myself some tea, which I'm going to do. And then I should be good to go.
I should be good to go. And then old Billy's in the bubble.
Old Billy Bubblehead. Old Charlie Brown.
Old albino Charlie Brown is going to be coming to New York to start that play. Glenn Gary, Glenn Ross.
So I'm going to get myself off book, which means I'm going to know all my lines before I get there because it's murderer's row as far as actors that I'm working with, and I don't want to be the guy that's behind. So I'm going to be doing all I can to keep up with the level of talent that's going to be on stage.
So I've got to make sure I'm overprepared, or else old Billy's going to get bounced. You know what? Hey, Bill, can I talk to you for a second you don't want to get that fucking hey bill you know eyebrows up hey bill uh you want you want to come in here for a second you're like that's it i'm getting fired getting fired um so anyway um i was telling you guys the reason why i don't like I figured out the reason I don't like golf is because the entire time I play, all I'm thinking about is the people behind me.

Right. And all I can think is that if I'm going too slow, they're going to drive down in the cart and beat the shit out of me with their clubs, which I know they're not.

But that like goes on because everybody, you know, I don't know about you guys, but like, you know, my six year old brain made a lot of fucking laws

that still exist. They're still on the books between my ears.
You know what I mean? So unless

they say it out loud, I don't realize how ridiculous it is. So I was going like, you know

what? That's stupid. Nobody's going to do that.
Um, hopefully they won't do that. I mean, I've

seen YouTube videos, but like, hopefully they won't do that i mean i've seen youtube videos but like hopefully they won't do that but like today you know you know we're staying at this hotel that's like part of a fucking golf course and i realize there's another reason why i don't like golf i cannot deal with the fucking the amount of guys that drive the golf cart with their leg hanging out of it i don't know what that is they all fucking do it why can't you bring your leg into the cart why is it like just hanging on like they just have it hanging there i don't i it's it's as irritating as people who have their pants hanging off their ass like we would just fucking pull those things up i remember somebody used to do a bit and they would reach down and they would go to pull them up and then they only pull you oh my god they're gonna finally pull up their pants and they would just pull them up like an eighth of an inch and just oh my god what the fuck right i i get the same you know you just want to go and fucking pull their pants up I feel the fucking same way about people with their fucking legs hanging out of the golf cart. I either want to just take their leg and fucking put it in the cart or twist their foot off.
Or I literally want their foot to hit a curb and spin around backwards. There's no way.
Are there any doctors listening? There are no doctors listening to this dumb shit, but whatever. Anybody who knows a doctor that works on ankles? What's that doctor called? Podiatrist is the foot.
What about the ankle? I don't know. How funny would that be if you're a doctor, some fat fuck right like you know those i always call them algonquin or adirondack whatever those fucking chairs are called atlantic chairs i can never get the right a word there's like this big push but those chairs are fucking great and people say i hate those chairs you know i hate those chairs because you're a fat fuck That's why you hate that chair.
That's why you fucking hate that chair. And I'm going to tell you something else right now.
If you're a man and you're fatter than your wife, you're a fucking disgrace. All right? She had kids.
What did you do? You know what you did? You took up golf because you were a fat fuck and your doctor told you to go start golfing. And what did your fat ass do?

You just went and got a golf cart and some oversized stupid shirts.

And then you're fucking driving around.

And not only are you not walking, you fucking turned your foot around like you were riding a Harley.

And now you're laid up.

And you're getting even fatter.

Do you know they're selling?

I actually, they had some on my podcast.

They're selling full body deodorant.

Full body deodorant.

How about you go on a fucking diet?

Like at what point?

All right, when you have to put fucking deodorant mid-thigh.

You know what I mean?

Because your fucking legs look like they're melting. I mean, and this is another thing too.
I'm not blaming you for getting that fat. It's our fucking food supply.
I was just talking to somebody. They said they spent a month over in Europe and when they came back here and they started eating our food again, they had diarrhea in an upset stomach.
You know what diarrhea is besides disgusting? That's your body going, what the fuck is this? Get it out of here immediately. That's what puking and getting the shits is.
It's beyond, oh, that didn't agree with me. Didn't agree.
I don't know. I don't know.
And yet another fucking election has gone by. And what are we focusing on? Freedom.
Whatever the fuck that is. I gotta get fucking free, free, free, freedom.
All these fucking morons with their guns going, I got my guns, make sure I take myself against tyrannical government. It's like, what are you waiting for? Like, how much more do they have to go? How much further are they going to go before you feel like, I don't know what, I guess as long as you got your Fritos and some dip.
You know, that's one of the things I'm really happy I never tried in my life was dip.

Because I can tell you, there is no fucking way I would ever be able to quit that shit. You know what I mean? And God bless the fucking tobacco industry.
You know what I mean? Everybody thinks they're evil. They were environmentalists.
They knew a long time ago there was too many people, and there had to be a fun way to kill people without really, like, you know, having to go full Nazi. You know what I mean? And just fucking have a genocide.
They really did. They had, like, their own sort of, like, genocide.
And they were equal opportunity. They fucking killed everybody.
Poor people, rich people, black, white, the whole fucking... They were just out there killing people.
Can you imagine being in that fucking meeting where they were discussing like dip and be like... Somebody at that big, long fucking oak table was just like, you know, no eye contact.
No eye contact was just like, hey, man, like, what if I'm just going to throw this out there? I don't know if this is like even too crazy for us in this room, considering some of the plans of action.

You know, corporate people always talk around the evil shit that they're doing.

What if, you know,

what if we put like little pieces of glass in there

that caused like microscopic cuts

that the user of our product wouldn't even notice

that would cause the nicotine to go

directly into their bloodstream and give them such a rush that, you know, they would continue using this stuff until they lost their jaw. And everybody's just kind of sitting there looking down, just, you know, it's like a poker game.
You're just waiting for somebody to flinch. And then they do that white guy thing.
You know, you put your eyebrows up while you make a frown. I mean, is there a way to do that? And then you come home.
However that meeting plays out, You then have to go home and look at your wife and kids. She comes through the door.
You come through the door and she says to you, how was your day? Oh, it was good. It was good.
Oh, yeah? Anything exciting happen? Uh, no. Well, yeah, yeah, actually.
Do you know that dip that we make? Oh, yeah, it's disgusting. Yeah, evidently we're going to start putting glass in it.
So it makes microscopic cuts and the nicotine goes straight to the brain oh is that like you know and then she plays like dumb because you know even though she knows it's evil but she likes the lifestyle of fucking and being married to the white guys at that fucking giant oak table is that, is that like the ad? Right?

She doesn't really say bad, but she pronounces it the ad.

So she dumbs herself down so he can feel fucking secure in the relationship that she's too stupid to move on.

Right?

And he's just like, no, no, it's just going to be like microscopic.

It's actually going to improve the, uh, the tobacco consuming experience. Oh, okay.
What are you doing Saturday? Anyway. Sorry.
By the way, you guys are really getting here. You're getting a fucking pre-show.
This is like what I'm going to be doing. Because I burned some shit, some material when I was on SNL.
So I got to improvise. And this is just where I am.
Just being up here. It's really not Ojai's.
Let's be honest about Ojai. It's fucking beautiful.
It's gorgeous. The people are great.
It's just when I'm in a place for more than two or three days and I have time to let the demons in between my ears catch up with me, there's only so long you can sit with your own bullshit before you start lashing out at everyone around you.

Then that's what I'm doing right now. The coffee's been fine.

There's nothing wrong with playing golf. And listen, if you want to hang your fucking leg out there, you know, and just see how much you can stretch your ball bag.

Is that belly full of mistakes pushes down on your dick?

I mean, go ahead and do it. Put on some silly pants.
Put on some silly pants and address the ball. Do that.
Stand over the ball for as long as you like. That's another thing about golf.
You just fucking get on with it. You know it's not going to go straight.
And then after they fuck it up for the 50th time, they then got to have that confused look on their face. Like that doesn't happen 90% of the time.
And then they got to take a couple more practice swings. You know? And then everybody else in the foursome knows what you're doing wrong, even though they're not playing well too.
You picked your head up. You're bringing the club back too far.
You're opening up. You got to make sure your hands are like this.
They need to be like that. Oh, yeah? Why are you talking to me like you're some sort of fucking club champion.
Why am I listening to you? Your shirt

is just as silly as mine. I remember one time somebody gave me advice on a shot and their very

next shot, they went out of the bunker, over the green, into somebody's yard and their ball landed

in their pool. Next hole, they're still giving me advice.
It's like you just sent a sleeve of fucking balls to the fucking deep end. You went from the beach to a fucking diving board.
Like, what are we doing here? What am I doing here? You know what's funny? I saw this thing on Instagram that said, if you're 56 years old, on average, you have like 22 years left in your life. And that's if you take care of yourself.
And then they're showing this old guy, like just on this rowing machine, just vigorously rowing. It's like, what is that? Like, so what is he going to do? What is he doing right now? It's like you could just eat better.
Just eat better and stretch. Why do you have to wear out your fucking joints? You know what's so fucking funny? If you could somehow time travel back to the 1800s and show them a rowing machine? Like the look on people.

You want to talk about living in assimilation?

You want to talk about living in assimilation?

You're rowing a boat that doesn't exist in a fucking gym.

Because you're afraid of dying.

I don't know why more people don't look at dying

as the biggest relief of life. Why don't you look at it that way? Religion even ruined dying.
They ruined everything. Fucking.
Children. Feeling good about yourself.
Religion is the fucking worst thing.

The biggest mind fuck.

I love how people always trash Scientology.

Why don't you get you and your religion shit together first before you get mad at a bunch of people that think a spaceship is coming back.

Is that any fucking dumber

than thinking some guy that got fucking tortured to death was the son of God? Came from a mom who's still a virgin. I love how she was still a virgin because God forbid she ever got fucked, right? God forbid she had a good time in bed.
Nobody talks about Joseph. Was he a virgin? Was he standing around going like, well, I guess I'm going to be a virgin for life because Mary's not fucking she's not into it that was the original gaslighting in a relationship female to male, listen, you're not fucking me,

but somehow you're pregnant.

Obviously, you cheated

on me, so I'm going to get my sandals

and my one robe, and I'm

hitting the

bricks here. Oh,

you don't understand.

I didn't fuck somebody else.

You're pregnant, Mary. No.
The kid is from God. This is God's son.
And he didn't even bang me. He just was an immaculate conception.
And Joseph was so in love that he fell for it. That was it it.
That was the first De Niro, Sharon Stone. Like, dude, you know all Joseph's.
And this is such hacky material, but what are you going to do? Everybody's mulched this over. But you know Joseph's friends were just like, dude.
Dude, you got to get it. You got to break up with this chick.
Can you at least get a paternity? Well, I don't need to get a paternity. He said it was God's kid.
Oh, yeah, what does God look like? Because I'll tell you right now, your baby looks like that dude down the street. I'm just saying.
Okay? Shouldn't that baby half look like God, half look like Mary? How come it looks like every other long-haired fuck walking down the street? Can you explain that? If you can explain that, I will walk away. I will buy your hum that if you can explain that i i will walk away i will buy your hummus if you can explain that summer breeze makes makes me feel fine sorry uh congratulations to jorge martin the 2024 motor gp champion And it's the first time someone has won the championship not riding a factory sponsored motorcycle.
He was riding a Ducati, but it wasn't the factory team. Which I don't know what that means.
Does that mean you have to buy your own wrenches? Like the team that Bassianini and Bagnaglia are on, Ducati just funds everything. And then Jorge Martin's team, they got to get bootleg shit.
They got the snap-on truck pulling up. They're going over to Midas to get a new muffler.
I don quite understand what that means But congratulations to them And then I also want to thank everyone Who's coming out to the Libby Bowl Forgive me what I say About your town Just know I love it up here There's a reason I picked this place And there's a reason I brought my family up here Because it is fucking awesome I'm just a little Billy Dark days Billy Dark days Dark Days. You know what I mean? So I went to the gym, get the endorphins going.
That's what you do. You get the endorphins going so then you don't think about your demons.
You never deal with your demons, but you kind of keep them at bay. And with that, let's do the reads here.
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Hang on, I gotta fucking hold on.

Hang on a second.

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They went away.

They know what it means.

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Doing the podcast.

Take a fucking walk, all right?

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Hang on a second. Yeah, hey.
Jesus fucking Christ. Like, how many fucking people, man? You fucking tell them I'm doing a fucking podcast.
They keep knocking. People knocking, but you can't come in.
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And I'm just like, wow. That guy could walk to his mailbox, dick out, and he's never going to get arrested because no one's ever going to see it.
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And with that, and with that, and with that, we are into the questions for the week. All right.
Female response. I love when the ladies write in.
Shout out to the ladies. We need more female energy on this fucking podcast.
All you got is me. I'm bringing grumpy old school generations ago.
Male energy. We need to balance it out with a couple of ladies.
All right, female response two. Girlfriend who says I stare too much.

All right, so just to bring you up to speed on my podcast last week, this poor bastard was dating this broad right now. This is his version of what was going on.
He said he'd be out to dinner with her and he hasn't looked at anybody. And then she would be like like why don't you just go over there and fucking bend her over the goddamn table you fucking pervert and he would be like what are you talking about i'm eating my brussels sprouts she goes you just i fucked half the room over there right so that's and he's like what do i do anyway long term long term not long time long term female listener.
Has it felt like a pregnancy listening to my fucking moron thoughts? I'm a bit late in responding. After hearing this man write in about his girlfriend who is claiming he stares too much when they're out on a date, I immediately wanted to write in to share my opinion and experiences about this situation.
First off, where slash what are you guys eating on your dates? My husband and I regularly have weekly Friday night dates. We eat relatively clean during the week, so date night would be fun food, pizza, burgers, burritos, etc.
Well, isn't that a cool idea? Then you're like excited. It's the weekend.
You get to eat some shit, you know? Anyway, there have been dates where I became angry and sometimes straight up evil afterwards. I'd bicker and nitpick.
In my brain, I wanted to stop myself, but I couldn't help it. Well, first of all, I just want to tip my cap to you that you're actually admitting that.
That takes a lot to admit as an adult, any human, male or female, or they over there, to admit that, you know, you got some. Because I do that when I'm fucking losing my temper.
As I'm doing it, I'm like, don't do this. Don't flip out over this fucking, you fucking you know whatever the fuck i'm dealing with like we have a fucking rental car up here and you know we it was a cadillac escalade and the dude taking the bag out of the back opened the window on the tailgate and it took us 15 minutes to figure out how to fucking close a fucking window because every car is so fucking over designed because they're completely out of ideas you don't need a new car all right throw a new engine in your old fucking car these new cars bang bang boom everything you're doing they're just bells and whistles and all of this shit and they're tracking you and talking to your phone and just trying to suck information out of you fuck new cars gas combustion or fucking electric cars fuck all of them.
I'm done with you. Fuck new cars.
Gas combustion or fucking electric cars.

Fuck all of them.

I'm done with them.

Sorry.

Anyway, we eat relatively clean.

Okay, but I couldn't help it.

I wanted to stop myself, but I couldn't help it.

It took me a very long time to figure it out, but my problem was gluten.

Jesus Christ.

It's not jealousy. It's not overreaction.
It's what you're eating. Women are fucking, I don't know if they're just in tune or they're just fucking beyond complex.
They're like the Jaguars of people. I'm talking about the car.
I've been tested before. I'm not celiac.
I don't even know what that means. Nor do I have a gluten allergy.
Yet if I eat gluten seriously within 10 minutes, I become vicious and mean and it lasts for a few days. It goes straight to my brain.
Once I cut it out, it stopped 90% of my stupid, nonsensical bickering with my husband. So to

the guy who wrote in and slash or any listener, if someone does a 180 mood change after eating something, this is fascinating. Pay attention to what was eaten.
It's obviously not going to be the same for everyone but but you never know. Wow.
That's pretty amazing. Well, I got to pay attention to what the hell I eat every time I fly off the handle.
I know I'm going to do that research. Well, what was it, Bill? That doesn't matter.
Whatever I eat, I still fucking flip out. Second, I'm going to talk about the uncomfortable, but pay attention to where your girlfriend is in her cycle.
I can hear the eye rolls from here, but please let me explain and I will use myself as an example. I was put on birth control when I was 15 and remained on it until early 30s.
Once I got off it, I had zero clue of what the female hormonal cycle is and how it affects the body. It's not really taught anywhere.
I educated myself and it explains so much of my behavior and habits. Wow, this is a fully formed adult.
They're having problems and they're looking inward to see how they're adding to it. Jesus Christ, we should all be like this.
There are four stages to a female cycle. I gotta be honest, as a guy, it feels like 15.
Okay, there's four stages. There are four stages to a female cycle, meaning roughly every week there is a hormone shift.
I don't even know what that means. Okay, with every hormone shift, there is a slight change in mood, energy, libido energy libido etc okay so it's kind of like me going to the gym or just laying on the couch both of those affect my mood um so if this girlfriend is always claiming you are always staring at girls and it's every few weeks note it could be that time of the month how the hell is he supposed to bring that up what are you ragging again sweetheart now before you say that's too much responsibility to pay attention to no not at all this is like you're fucking reading from the playbook here and that's just an excuse for crappy behavior guess what if you're invested a serious relationship with someone, having that information about their hormone cycle in your back pocket can elevate so much self-doubt and questioning.
Yeah, there you go. Finally, if she keeps picking an argument, she's either feeling low self-esteem or she wants out.

But if it's either of the two situation above,

and if you're committed in the relationship,

know that it will pass and bring up either scenario

for discussion with your girlfriend.

Okay, so meaning, was it something you ate?

Or are you, have your hormone, part of your cycle has your hormone shifted?

Anyway, I hope my rambling helps and if not, go fuck yourself.

You weren't rambling.

That was all amazing information that I would never know.

I don't know about people listening, but that was all new to me.

I'm going to ask my wife right now. Basically just kick me out of the other room like where she is in her hormone cycle right now um new cars suck uh dear dear billy sans a belt slacks sans a belt sack slacks without a belt slacks i don't know what that means uh i love the podcast um and i really i'm digging your rants against the new cars and so-called features that not only make driving harder but also dangerous yeah it's completely distracting a few years back i purchased a brand new pickup with all the bells and whistles then ended up trading it in within a year because I couldn't handle the constant conflicts with the computer brain in the name of safety.
It's really not. It's also like just trying to get all any personal information.
Dude, there's cars that are filming you. They're listening to you.
It's like it's fucking creepy. You know, I came up with all of this shit? Nerds.
And all this time, all you stupid-ass feminists have been paying attention to frat boys. What do they do? They walk around with their hats on backwards, throw a football on, and say nice titties? The world should be that safe again.
Forget about these fucking nerds that are trying to get in your house and in your fucking brain. This truck had the lane assist, which would go berserk anytime the highway department was redoing the lines or in construction zones.
Driving in a snowstorm, a chink of ice got stuck in the front of the sensor and the cruise control would not engage until the sensor was cleared.

Yeah, it's so stupid. The other maddening thing, the cruise control would stay at the speed I input until another vehicle would appear ahead of me.

Then it would drop my speed to match theirs.

So I was always on guard to flick it off so I could pass the car on the right, then get back in the left lane and resume cruising speed.

So after a while, I didn't see the point in using the cruise control.

Dude, I'm not going fucking Cadillac Escalade and it just made the decision to turn on the heated seats and the fucking steering wheel. I fucking hate heated seats.
It's disgusting. It's gross.
I don't want to sit in a seat like I feel like a fat person just got up from. You know what I mean? You want to drive around in your car with swamp ass? And why are you heating up the steering wheel? Like, you know, like, I had to like, and of course, once again, there's 50 fucking buttons.
It's like you're sitting behind a mixing board. And what's funny, too, is all of this adds weight to the car, which causes more fuel consumption.
Anyway, what finally put me off new cars for good was the truck sensor never gave me a chance to evaluate hazards ahead and take opportunity appropriate action. For instance, the car in front of me comes to a sudden stop and puts his blinker on for a left turn.
Plenty of room for me to go around him on the right and keep moving. The truck instead scares the crap out of me because it starts chiming and throws up brake in capital letters in the dash and screeches to a halt.
Yeah, it's like somebody screaming fire in a crowded movie theater. Something happened to me with a car crash in front of me.
My instinct is to swerve and accelerate out of trouble and nothing happens when I stomp on the gas. After that, I became Mike Singletary.
I cannot play with them. I cannot win with them.
Cannot coach with them. Can't do it.
So I traded in for a 2011 Ford Ranger and couldn't be happy. Total control.
Same for my commuter car. A 2007 Pontiac vibe.
It even came with the cigarette lighter. That's fantastic.
Sorry if this is too long. It's not.
It's not. I babble for fucking 40 minutes before I get to you guys.
None of your shit's too long. Sorry if it's too long, but I just want you to know that you're fighting the good fight and maybe things will start changing back.
No, we're going to lead to self-driving cars. That's what they want.
And a self-driving car is not your car anymore. It's a fucking police car.
And they will have the ability to override that thing. And if they ever want to bring you in for questioning, you think you're going to the supermarket and it's going to take you to the right and you're down the fucking police station.
It's so stupid. And these fucking people are going to be literally having self-driving cars with American flags on the back of them.
Freedom ain't free. They're still going to be doing that.
Not realizing. It's like that experiment back in the day where they would drop a mouse into boiling water and it would jump out.
But if they slowly turned up the heat, it would stay in there and fucking die. That's what they're doing.
You know, I'll tell you a fucking fucking crazy thing the other day i was driving down the street and i saw it was a flat bed truck with a toyota tundra on it and the person had this custom paint job and the tundra it said tundra on the tailgate and it was written in the red white and blue with the stars of the american flag a foreign truck with the american flag on it anyway see guy says sorry if this is too long. I just want you to let you know you're fighting the American flag.
A foreign truck with the American flag on it. Anyway,

the guy says, sorry if this is too long.

I just want you to let you know you're fighting the good fight and maybe things will change back. I recently

read that Europe is forcing manufacturers

to ditch touch screens

and bring back buttons and dials.

Oh, that's fantastic.

From a fan and a fellow

centrist fuck.

Yeah.

Dude, centrists are what's going to save this country. You know, the pendulum is just swinging too far to the left and to the right.
We're just stuck in this eddy of crazy people running this fucking country, being paid by even crazier fucking people. We got to bring it back to the middle.
All right? Stop telling people how to live their life. And I'm talking to both fucking sides.
And there shouldn't just be two sides. You know, in France, they have like six political parties, and it swings too far to the right or too far to the left.
The ones in the middle, even though they don't get along, they will team up to balance it. That's what's missing in this country.
That's how you go from fucking, you know, walking away from the Paris treaty to giving your kids fucking gender altering hormones at three years of age. Back to fucking, you know, the apprentice guy talking to Dr phil about national security it's fucking insane all of this is insane anyway tesla hey billy red nuts i listen to your podcast all the time you are my favorite comedian oh that's nice of you uh i have to disagree with you on the elon musk thing um his company only took government money He only took in 2010 for a loan that he paid out.
The loan was, dude, that company has never made any money. It's never made any money.
And the car is a piece of shit. The suspension cannot handle the fucking torque.
I own one of those things. I own one of those fucking things.
The loan was to build a Tesla plant in California that provided over 500 jobs in the area. He also sells energy credits to other car manufacturers that the government awards Teslas for being energy sufficient.
They're not energy efficient. How are they energy efficient? Any more than a gas combustion engine.
How are they energy efficient? they're literally disposable cars. They're like laptops.
No one's going to buy a classic Tesla at a Mecham auction. It's like, what if Apple made cars? You know, your old cell phone that you have fucking sitting, you know, you never threw it out from 20 years ago, the flip.
It's not fucking worth anything. I don't know what you're saying.
Anyway, he says, I do share your exact views on CEOs paying themselves millions of dollars in bonuses and salaries when they could take a third of that and pay their employees an honest livable wage. I'm not talking $15 an hour.
You can't live off that anymore. No, no, that fucking guy at Starbucks taking $120 million as a signing bonus, as a fucking signing bonus.
They did my business. I know someone was working at that, like one of these, these fucking basic cable channels.
And you know, the thing is tanking and they fired everybody they fired everybody and the guy at the top gave himself 150 million dollar fucking christmas bonus for a channel that was dying off it's it's legalized stealing and that's why any mobster back in the day anybody that was in the mob smart ones, not only did they keep themselves out of the paper, they were slowly going legit. And they were getting out of these illegal activities and taking the money that they made from air quote crime.
Which it was crime, but there's crime on the there's two types of stealing. there's there's a legal stealing and then there's stealing on the legal side of the law

which is what white collar people do all the fucking time.

It's what these corporate people in these fucking, in these positions of power, what they're doing and the way that they're treating their employees.

And all they have to do is just buy ad time on CNN and Fox News and pay off politicians and no one's going to fucking touch them. And then they can actually go out and buy these gaudy houses.
You could never do that as a gangster. You saw those guys, like the five families that were running New York City.
You look at their house, you'd never know they were doing it. All right? And that was the thing that sucked about what they did was they had zillions of dollars, but they had to keep in the fucking walls and then meanwhile they're looking across the street at their neighbor right he's a fucking banker and he gets to drive down the street in a fucking top hat you know driving a fucking limousine or having somebody drive him so I don't know that's what I'm trying to do on this next tour.

I'm not going to go out there and be this. I'm going to try to get people.
You got to look past the political parties and you have to look at the people that pay them. Anyway, I strongly believe that these people working at Amazon should make $25 to $35 an hour.
Amazon is a great example of the CEO slash owner Jeff Bezos making a billion dollars a year while paying while most of his employees struggle to pay bills. Yeah, that's fucking wrong.
And that shouldn't be legal. Sorry.
And you know what's killing me is young people look at that and they've just been brought up on that. They go, well, you know, he started the company out of his garage, so he ought to be able to plug.
And like they're getting trained that this is what you do. Come up with an idea where you can make a billion dollars and then everybody else has to fucking huddle around a fire.
The same fire to try to be warm in the wintertime. I don't know.
I't understand you know what's the point of making all that money if you're not trying to help people out if you're not trying to help out your own country your own countrymen and make it a better place and what's going on in this country where the middle class is disappearing because of these fucking billionaires and the out of control corporate greed is you know the greatest one of the greatest things ever about this country was middle class middle class was always where you wanted to be you know what i mean you had a you had a 40 hour work week you had benefits and when you went home on friday you left the fucking job and you know and you had enough money to feed your family and have a fucking house. What else did you need? For whatever reason, these fucking people at the top just cannot have enough money, cannot have enough power, cannot have enough control, cannot have enough information and they don't care who suffers and they are completely out of control.
And I didn't hear either candidate, anybody talking about how they wanted to do that. I heard RFK Jr.
talking about it, and they tarred and feathered that guy very quickly. Bernie Sanders talked about it, tarred and feathered him.
Ralph Nader, tarred and feathered him. Ross Perot, tarred and feathered him.

That's all they do.

He's crazy.

He's out of his mind.

He's a quackpot.

Anyway, sorry for the punctuation in this.

I'm talking to my techs while I'm on my way to work.

I love the podcast.

You inspire me every day as a father and just as a human being.

So go fuck yourself and have a great day.

All right.

Thank you. All right.
Here we go. Wrapping it up here.
The last one. Oh, I got two more here.
Old Billy Babbles here. Kid Sports.
Hey, Hollywood Bill. Long time fan going back to the racial draft.
Whoa. And World Series of Dice on Chappelle's show.
Got a dad slash sports related question for you. My son has played basketball for a few years now.

He's been working one-on-one with a private coach who's also a former G League player.

Okay.

The past two years, he's made the local travel team but hasn't gotten much playing time.

He's been the second string to both of the coach's kids who are rarely pulled out unless they get hurt.

This past season, literally knew when he'd be in uh the last two minutes the last two minutes of the first quarter the last 30 seconds of the second none of the third and depending if they were in the lead he might see some action in the last two minutes of the fourth this This has destroyed his confidence and his ability. Yeah, this is terrible that this has happened to sports.
He won't try out for the middle school team this year because he says he sucks at basketball, despite his private coach saying he's easily 80% from the three-point line and 90% on free throws. But you've got to get him on another team, I guess.
His private coach came to two of his games and had to leave out of frustration because he wanted to light up the two coaches. My question as a dad, what do you do from here? He's agreed to play a year in the local rec league, which should be a joke, one practice a week and one game a week on Saturday mornings for five weeks.
It's frustrating to know your kid is good and putting in the work, but being benched because of nepotism. Anyways, I hope you and the family are well.
Love hearing the dad stories. You're crushing it, my man, with love and old dads too.
Listen, the reason why you're supposed to play sports is you're supposed to have fun. That was the reason.
That was the reason we collected football cards and all of that shit. It was all to have fun.
Now everything is like a money move, get the bag and all of that shit. I don't know.
Unless you think your kid's going to make it to the NBA, I think your main goal right now should be to get your kid in some sort of league where he's going to get to play and have fun and learn the great lessons that organized sports treat you. How to handle the ups and downs, winning and losing, how to get along with other people, how to squash it, how to like, you know, dig down and find something in you that you didn't even know you had.
I mean, it's an incredible, it's an incredible thing to play organized sports. Don't let these fucking nerds and feminists, the way they talk about sports, they didn't play sports, they don't know what the fuck they're talking about.
And they speak in these giant generalizations. Athletes are some of the great fucking people you're going to run into.
I mean, the amount of them that have fucking charities and give back. Any of these fucking nerds that start streaming services and fucking places to download music? Are they giving back? They're keeping it all for themselves.
Where's the pressure on them to do something? But anyways, getting back to those other those other two people you know if there's something you want to do about that um maybe add a team maybe add a team and you coach it and fucking you know or just approach him just say like dude this is ridiculous my kid is a good player and you've got your kid in the whole game. It's just awful.
I just fucking, that's the type of shit out of everything that really just makes me hate human beings. That you can take something as innocent and great as that, and you're sitting there, you know, like those hyper-competitive fucking douche.
I'm going to coach the team, and'm going to put my kid in there. It's like your fucking kid's not going to make the NBA.

You fucking douche. I hate people like that.
That's what it is. Every fucking thing becomes that.

These fucking people with no morals just get in there and rig the game and they don't give a fuck

about anything but themselves and their own kids. I got to be honest with you to watch parents

I'm going to go ahead with you to watch parents. It's bad enough to do that before you like settle down and have like a wife and kids or a husband, whatever your deal is like to fucking do that shit after you have kids.
You know what I mean? And you still live in life like that. That that fucking move is not on the kid.
That's on the dad. And he's still doing.
He should be wise. Just becoming a parent should put you beyond that.
And you should be. Your main concern is that the kids go out there and have fun.
And this fucking bullshit that these toxic fucking do. Life isn't fun.
And they need to learn early on. Let's say shut the fuck up.
The fuck, you know, sitting there talking like you climbed a mountain and achieve something. You're coaching kids and you're being a douche about it.
Anyway, I'm sorry you're going through that, dude. I don't know how to go around that.
You know what I would do? I would talk to other dads and see you guys can get like some something going on and get rid of those two fucking coaches um because they're just coaches there's got to be somebody running the league um anyway girlfriend doesn't want to have sex ever well if you want to have sex then i would get out of the relationship hey bill i've been put through the ringer i'm 23 and my girlfriend is 27 we've been together for six months she recently dropped on me that she doesn't want to have sex all right she either wants to break up with you she's gay or something fucking happened to her and she's having some sort of issue um she said she feels ashamed and gross about having sex from what she tells me we had sex twice in the first couple months months, but nothing since. I love this girl and don't want it to end, but no sex isn't an easy thing to accept.
Nor should you accept it. I would...
Yeah, you just sit down. She has to go to therapy.
She's got to figure out what's going on. Because she shouldn't be feeling that way.
Something terrible probably happened to her, unfortunately. not to mention she grabs my junk a lot which seems contradictory to what she says about not wanting sex maybe that's her like conciliatory fucking thing she's doing anyway we talked about this a couple times and she usually starts crying i'm sympathetic because she has a lot of trauma but i can't seem to bring it up without her getting upset.
I would love to hear what you would do in this situation and what you think. Love the podcast and go fuck yourself.
I would just say, listen, I love you to death, but I can't be in a relationship where we're not having sex. But I love you enough to work through this with you.
All right? And as long as you're going to therapy and you're trying to figure this out,

I am willing to stay with you.

But like, if this is how it is,

this doesn't work for me.

All right?

And that's not you being selfish.

I don't care how much she cries.

Okay?

You have a right to say what you need also.

You wouldn't know that

watching all of these stupid Dr. Phil people

who just make it seem

like guys are always wrong and women are always right. It's so fucking stupid.

There's nothing wrong with how you feel. There's nothing wrong with how she feels.
But what you

have to do is you got to get on the same fucking page here. So just say what the fuck I said,

because I'm not going to be able to say it better than that or some version of it. All right.
And

once again, I'm just a fucking comedian. I am not trained in any of these things.
I have a degree in failure. That's how I've learned everything I've learned.
All right. That is the podcast.
Go fuck yourselves. And I will check in on you on Thursday.
And hey, you know, go out there and be nice to people.

All right?

Just because the world's crazy doesn't mean you got to give in to that fucking energy.

All right?

And I'm just going to go buy something and just say something nice to somebody behind the fucking counter.

All right?

They're getting fucked over too.

They're not getting paid with their worth either.

All right?

Maybe turn their mood around.

Who knows?

All right?

Grassroots here.

All right.

I'll see you.