Thursday Afternoon Monday Morning Podcast 11-14-24

Hey, what's going on? It's Bill Burr and it's time for the Thursday afternoon just before Monday morning podcast.

What's going on? How are you? I'm recording this late at night. The kiddos are in bed.

And yeah, that's what the fuck I'm doing here.

I'm getting ready to go to Ojai oh hi oh hi everybody makes that joke they

even sell the t-shirt and what's funny is when you go to oh hi before you get there you you think

that you came up with that clever joke until you go to a gift shop and you're like oh oh that's a

sad moment as a comedian when you realize you have parallel thought with a gift shop.

No offense to people who put jokes on T-shirts, but they're pretty, you know, they've never been like high quality. that's so funny you know because you'd think that like the shittier jokes would be in the comedy club because you just say them and then they suck and then it's done.

But like you put a joke on a T-shirt, it's fucking there for the entire duration of that T-shirt.

And people have to keep looking at it.

Like if you wear it to work and the joke is a T-shirt joke, sucks you would think that they would actually make a decent one right they used to be really bad they're not as bad as they used to be they used to be fucking really really fucking bad like when i was growing up they had like you know official bikini inspector and it always be some like fucking guy in his 40s some fat fuck walking around basically saying that he was a creep um it was funny man back then women could fucking handle guys like that they just i don't know what they just fucking knew like knew how to do like mental jujitsu and just fucking i don't know i don't know what they just fucking knew like knew how to do like mental jujitsu just fucking i don't know i don't know how they used to they just maybe they just put up with more i have no idea i remember the first like like funny t-shirt that i saw that actually made me laugh somebody came to work and he had this t-shirt it said mental floss and it was a stick figure and it the floss was going through his ears and passing through his head and i thought that that was hilarious when i was in like 1988 and then i don't think i laughed at another t-shirt until I saw this little gay guy at the fucking movie theater.

He had a... in another t-shirt until I saw this little gay guy at the fucking movie theater.

He had a t-shirt that said, you're retarded. And it was, it was spelt Y-O-U-R, like possessive.
You're retarded. And me and Nia were cracking up when we saw it because that was right like this was a long time ago like 17 years ago or something it was right when we first moved out to LA and it was like that's when um you mean my space was still going and you were reading comments for the first time from complete strangers and you were seeing how bad people's punctuation and spelling was.
And that was a frequently made mistake. The difference between your, like your car and your, you are, you're going there.
Y-O-U-R apostrophe. No, Y-O-U apostrophe R-E.
Like I'm explaining this to you and then fucking it up like you don't understand it. So one of the things that would happen all the time is people would be right, you know, you're a dick.
And they would spell it Y-O-U-R. And occasionally you would see you're retarded.
Y-O-U-R retarded. And anyways, this guy guy had it on a t-shirt and it really made me laugh because it was funny.
Every time I saw it, it was like, it was annoying on MySpace, but when it was on the t-shirt, all of a sudden it was funny because, I don't know, it was just one of those things where it's, all right, I'm not the only one seeing this and everybody's realizing how fucking stupid this is. There's a lot of fucking stupid people out there.
And I don't even mean just like uninformed, just fucking stupid. Anyway, I'm trying to not watch TV and stay off the phone because everybody's fucking freaking out about whatever's about to happen with the guy from The Apprentice.
There's nothing fucking makes sense. You know what I mean? People on the right, they don't like people that are on welfare.
But for some reason, they love the Tesla guy. who is arguably the, I don't know, the biggest offender of somebody on welfare I've ever seen.
That Tesla company has never made money. And he's gotten like seven, eight billion dollars from the government, which is our fucking money.
His company has never made fucking money. And he's on his way to being the first trillionaire like how is your company not making money and taking all of this money from the government and meanwhile you're going to be a fucking trillionaire that right there is fucking classic ceo math like that fucking cunt at starbucks guy signs on to be the CEO and immediately gives himself $120 million fucking signing bonus.
For what? To fucking run a coffee company? That probably could have bought at least dental insurance for every employee in like an entire state. And instead this cunt keeps it for himself.
You know? But white so nobody notices evidently i don't understand i don't get how it goes um anyway plowing ahead here uh moto gp is coming to the end moto gp this is the last race i mean it looks like jorge martin has it um i just hope it's not like i get it if he just rides safe although the last fucking race was amazing him and fucking peco just going back and forth and like the first like i don't know how many laps it was like the end of the fucking race and i'm like are these two guys is this like days of thunder on uh motorcycles i thought they were going to crash a couple of times um and then i think jorge just said all right fuck this shit like he needed like he needed to win by like nine points but um they were saying like uh this saturday when they have the sprint for those of you don't watch the race they do like this half a race on saturday and it actually counts for something like points and everything. It's really fucking cool.
And like those points add up and, um, you know, he could actually, you know, depending on what happens, he could actually win on Saturday. And I would think if he just comes in first and Pecco comes in third or later, he could probably win it.
I don't really know how the points work, but I would guess that. Other than that, I imagine he's going to be on pole.
Oh, Pecco's going to be on pole. And then, you know, they'll be first and second.
And then it's just like, all right, I'll just let you win this fucking race and I'll just ride behind you. And that's going to be it.

And I believe they said this is the first time

it's going to,

a guy could win the championship

and it's not the factory team,

which I still don't quite understand.

Like the Ducati factory team,

like this is the Ducati team

that is representing the company of Ducati.

But then there's like another couple of teams that have Ducatis but they're not the factory team I don't understand it's still a fucking Ducati what are they giving them their shit ones you know like Pecco gets the fucking Z28 and what do I get the rally sport um it's really weird so that's also another thing too is that he's they're both riding Ducatis and he's not on the factory team and he could still win it's pretty cool um anyway um i had a funny thing happen to me last night i was fucking i had leftover mushrooms and this one was supposed to be like medium i don't't know what I was thinking. I just ate one.
I go, I'll eat one, you know. Just sort of like chill, you know.
And I ate it. And I was just fucking watching TV by myself.
All of a sudden I was like, man, that fucking, it was like watching NBA highlights, you know, they have all those crazy like basketball, like the hardwood, you know, it doesn't look like the parquet anymore it looks like fucking european basketball so i'm just looking at go my they got a lot of weird you know very involved basketball court what the fuck do you call it it's the field the pitch what the fuck do you call a it's a basketball court but what do you floor? Did you just call it the floor? I don't fucking know. So I was watching highlights of Clay Thompson coming back as a maverick, going back to the Warriors, going up against Steph Curry.
And everybody's wearing the chef hats. And I'm just fucking sitting there beginning to trip.
And I was sitting there going, what the fuck are they wearing those Ted night hats from Caddyshack?

What's going on?

I didn't realize that guy has a license.

He's a captain,

boat captain.

That's fucking cool as hell.

And also way more terrifying than aviation.

I'm going to say that. And I would love to hear a debate.
Any sea captains out there, any pilots out there, what do you think is more dangerous? I just think going out to fucking sea is fucking insane. Going out and you just don't see land anymore and you're just in the fucking you're out there in the water anything can happen a fucking rogue way a crazy storm and then all of a sudden you're just in the ocean floating waiting for the fucking hoping the coast guard gets there before some fucking sea monster comes up and takes a bite out of your leg to see what's up with you before it comes back to finish you off fuck that fuck that dying at sea is way worse than dying in aviation dying in aviation is 90 seconds of dead right these fucking people out to sea it takes them days to die and then they get dehydrated they start seeing shit and then they fucking you start drinking the water i remember there was a time where i was reading all these classic books if you can believe that how funny is that now what you guys know about me i there was actually a period in the late 90s where i was so sick of people bringing up all of these fucking books or quoting them and so it goes and all of this shit um moment dick dick you know listening to zeppelin it's like i've never read that book so i just fucking read like one year i read like 20 of them everything from the count of monocrystal the prince and the pauper uh what else did i read confederacy of dunces like modern shit mark twain i read all of this shit didn't retain any of it it.
I liked, I liked the Count of Monte Cristo,

the best.

Alexander Dumas,

Dumas,

however the fuck you say it.

And I,

I got like the 700 page book of it with the small print,

the one,

like the original or this close to the original.

And those books are motherfuckers to get through.

Cause the print was so small.

Moby Dick was like that too.

Like he would be telling the story and then just one chapter,

I'm going to go. and those books are motherfuckers to get through because the print was so small Moby Dick was like that too like he would be telling the story and then just one chapter would go off on a tangent and just talk about a certain type of whale and educate you and I just remember reading that going like the fucking amount of time that people had back then because there was no tv, no radio, no fucking smartphones or any of that shit.
Blah, blah, blah, and all of that crap, right? So I read all of these books and the fuck was my point? I don't even remember. What the hell? I don't know.
It's late at night. What do you want from me? Oh yeah.
I read all these books because I was sick of people bringing that shit up.

And I thought it was going to make me smarter. And I realized you're kind of born as smart as you are.
And all you can do is hone,

hone it. You know what I mean? But you can't get smarter.
Well, there's certain areas you can be smarter. You can work smarter.
You can live smarter. You can do that.
But you don't get smarter. It's a really weird thing.
Like, I used to do a bit about that. Like, if you're a dumb guy and you read a bunch of books you're not smarter you're just a dumb guy that read books you're a well-read dumb guy because at the end of the day it all comes down to how you process the information like anybody can read something memorize it and then puke it at the nearest fucking human being that walks by him oh god those aren't those people the fucking worst jesus fucking christ it's like it's like an adult but it's a three-year-old you know where your kid comes home from school when they're really young and they and they start telling you you know about whatever the hell they learned like my son came home and was talking to me about bees it was amazing talking about the queen and all of that was so cute and he goes and they paid the honey and they put it in the house and then then then you then you have it in a parfait can you make me a parfait and he literally abandoned the story then just fucking put in an order um anyway uh so anyway so i'm fucking i'm watching this these highlights right and uh i'm looking at the floor i'm going wow that's really fucking crazy floors.
These basketball courts. And they look really vivid.
And I was like, oh, that's that mushroom. Okay.
Well, that makes sense. On the package, it said it was sort of medium.
And I only ate one. So I get it.
So I'm going to go right up to where the colors are sort of vivid. And then it's going to come back down again.
And that's not what happened. I was watching a little bit longer and then all of a sudden this commercial comes on and I'm looking at this guy's face and I'm going like, what the fuck happened to that guy? I was like, oh shit.
Oh God. Oh, here we go, right? And then fucking shit in the room starts moving.
It was so weird. It was such a weird, such a weird thing to be tripping when you don't want to.
I was talking to my buddy today. It was like, it was like driving and then hitting traffic going, ah, fuck.
And then there's like nothing you can do. So you just kind of go with it.
But, um, I don't know. know as always whenever i take mushrooms i always learn some shit and one of the things i was like i got too much just stuff i gotta get rid of all of this fucking stuff i don't want like and then just thinking like you know one of the nicest things you can do when you die is to be like not have a lot of shit you know what I mean like people come in you got like nice furniture and a couple nice pictures on the wall it's not a big deal you know they come in and you just got like just a house full of shit like what do they do with it i just love that too like they just fucking put a one of those giant blue dumpsters outside and everybody just throws everything in it and your entire life's work is is in a it gets thrown in a fucking dumpster and it's just like this is what you did this is the time you lived on earth and your job was to consume because if you didn't consume the entire thing collapses and for some reason you can't eat anymore because nobody knows how to hunt or fish or it's not like there's no game in the city like you know what i mean even if you knew how to hunt and fish

what are you gonna fucking hunt rodents you can eat some fucking rabid coyote um it is kind of amazing um i don't know these are fucking weird times definitely weird times with these fucking sociopaths,

absolute fucking sociopaths have gotten us to this point and then just cowardly people that just accept bribes and just allowed these fucking and i'm not talking politics here i'm talking about people that run corporations i'm really getting tired of this shit that when a corporation gets tired gets busted for doing some shit like they just like the corporation gets fined it's like why doesn't the individuals that are sitting on the board why don't they go to jail because they're fucking paying them all off is that what it is i don't fucking't fucking know. Listen, I don't pretend to know things.
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So many of them involved being out to sea and the horrors of being out to sea and the things that happened, like running out of food, getting scurvy, being keel hauled.

You know, getting lost.

Ending up in some strange place and the horrible things that human beings did to each other was just fucking nuts.

But anyway, like I was already like.

Like terrified. Terrified of the fucking ocean um like that's the worst story there's a bunch of bad stories on the news but whenever i see somebody falls off a fucking cruise ship oh my god i always just say to myself i hope the water was freezing and like hypothermia kicked in within a minute, you know, and your blood temperature dropped and you just sort of went into like a sleep and that was it.
anyway um yeah so i'm gonna fucking uh i gotta get rid of some shit man i i every time i i like i don't know what happens i get so many you know what i get a bunch of like free fucking t-shirts and clothes and shit and uh people go to give me shit i go i don't want it don't give it to me don't give it like I did this fucking stupid golf thing which by the way did I tell you guys I finally figured out why I don't like golf I thought I hated the sport it isn't what it is I the entire time I'm playing all I'm thinking about is the group of four behind me that's all I'm about. And I'm worried that if I play too slow,

they're going to drive down in the golf cart and beat the shit out of me with

their clubs. Right.
And that's one of those things.

When I finally said it out loud, I'm like, this,

it's pretty ridiculous fear.

But if you don't say it out loud, it's just the amount of shit I realized that I think, and there are laws that were made in my head by the time I was six. I mean, that goes back to like, you know, when I was growing up in the fucking seventies and your parents just let you go outside.
And anytime you ran into big kids, they would just beat you up or throw shit at you or break your toys. And it just kind of made you like thinking like, all right, what's around the next corner and what the fuck is it going to do to me? Anyway, so anyway, I got this tour coming up.
Like I said, I start in Ojai and then i go to bakersfield and i go up the 99

couple of stops then i'm in fresno then two more stops and i'm up in stockton and um i already know this is going to be a great tour because i got uh i got a bunch of new shit that i want to talk about and um it's also I like

going to places

like these cities are like not cities that you necessarily see people touring. And those people usually have to drive to the nearest big city to go see whatever the fuck they want to see.
So when you go to them, they're so fucking fucking psyched you know um and the crowds actually end up being better than like say a crowd like in san francisco where i'm not saying san francisco crowds aren't good but like the fucking rolling stones go there you know jay-z beyonce the biggest fucking acts in show business will do a there. So they sort of expect like, yeah, why wouldn't you be here? But like when you go to these other places, you know, any young comics listening, don't ever discount these fucking cities.
The crowds are fantastic. And like I said, you end up finding these things.
Like the last time I went to Fresno, I ended up getting like the best barbecue. Big Texas barbecue in Fresno.
If you think I'm not fucking going there again, I got another thing. I'm going to fucking, I'm going to eat perfect right to that day.
And then I'm going to go up there and I'm going to get one of those fucking Texas Twinkies that I've been thinking about ever since I had it. Texas Twinkie, what is it? Is that what you said? Is that what you just said to me? You fucking talking to me? Texas Twinkie is a, what the fuck was it? It was like a jalapeno that this guy stuffed with brisket, cream cheese, and a bunch of spices.
And it was fucking insane. It was so delicious, and then also had the nice kick of the jalapeno.
It was fucking amazing. But last time we went up there, we got the sampler plate.
This time I'm just going to order something specific because they totally hooked us up. Who the fuck was with me on that one it was always it's always club soda candy it was me club soda and then uh i don't remember might have been dean delray and we were like you know we fucking shout oh maybe it was nate craig i just remember before the show like being so full i was sitting on the green room couch and i was like sort of slumped at a 15 degree angle i mean i wanted to just completely lay down but i know i knew if i went any further i was not going to be able to get back up and i had this show to do so um anyway so I'm playing a bunch of these Fox theaters on the way up there which is so goddamn cool because um they used to be like movie theaters like back in the day when people would get dressed up and go into the movies was fucking amazing And they would have like premieres of movies

and they would have the stars come out.

Like I bet one of these theaters

that I'm going to do on that run,

I guarantee you somebody like Humphrey Bogart

stood on one of those stages.

Or who is that guy?

Mr. Smith Goes to Washington.

Jimmy Stewart, like one of those guys from the golden age. It's going to be so much fun.
Anyway, how much time have I done here? I got to fucking go to bed soon. I got a bunch of shit I got to do tomorrow, as always.
As fucking always. Hey, here's something I learned.
If you have a favorite taco stand out in L.A., and if they ever switch from cash only to taking credit cards, that means it's not going to be as good anymore. There's a little pro tip for you.
if it goes from cash only to we accept credit cards now and people can fucking apple pay with their goddamn phone it's not going to taste as good um but if you go to one and it's cash only that usually means the grandma's back there making the tortillas

and it's going to be fucking crazy.

It's going to be really fucking good.

Yeah.

So anyway,

you know who had a fucking killer house

and somebody bought it and redid it to the way it was,

was Johnny Cash had a house up in Ojai.

And I was up there there i don't know i think last year i went up there for a wedding and i was in town and i saw this magazine that had johnny cash on the cover and i read this whole story about the person that bought the house and redid it and they showed pictures it was fucking incredible fucking incredible i don't know what it is about la and california the most beautiful houses all different styles but just fucking insanely beautiful like some of the houses out in like palm desert and everything those mid-centuries that like fucking sinatra and elvis presley and that whole era that they had, you know, and they had like the fucking, the designs of them were amazing. And then they'd have like shag carpet and all of that shit.
So Johnny Cash had one and, uh, the bedroom, the master bedroom, he had it all done up for his wife. And I want to say the ceiling was like, almost like, you know, you know, that metal fleck paint that they have.
It's really plastic that they put in there. That sparkle shit.
It was like champagne color. I think it was on the ceiling.
I can't remember what, but like the entire house just visually was just was stunning and i was hoping that they gave tours of it but i didn't see that if they did but i i still have the magazine every once in a while i'll just fucking check it out um but anyway so um what what are my goals here i gotta working on the new hour. I burned a pretty good chunk of it doing SNL and I only was doing partial of the bits and shit.
So I still took a nice fucking 10 minute chunk out of, out of my new act, which is always brutal. So I got some other new shit.
But my goal is,

when I go out there,

is to not be divisive.

Just in general.

I just think that there is enough of that.

Online, people yelling at each other,

these stupid 24-hour news channels these stupid fucking political parties you know sports people yelling at each other that's just it's fucking ridiculous like the level of yelling and arguments amongst human beings and god knows i've been fucking guilty of it more than anybody else like

i would like i would like to uh not do that as much as possible on this thing and and even if i'm talking about something kind of heavier like do it in a light way that's kind of what I loved about loved about that episode of SNL that I did. You know, it was a brutal fucking week.
It was basically half the country was not going to be happy, or a little less than half, because Trump won the popular vote too, right, by like a million votes or whatever. But give or take, like 48% of the country,

whoever won was not going to be happy.

So I think it's so fucking depressing.

Like I remember when Trump won the first time

and all the fucking Republican douchebags

were just enjoying watching like that chick crying on the news channel and rubbing it in and all of that. And then what happens? 2020 fuckhead loses and then says everybody cheated and wouldn't shake hands and caused a fucking riot where two people died.
But evidently that doesn't matter. People are still excited.
More people are excited than not that he's president again. So when he loses to the dementia guy with fucking, you know, the warmonger with dementia, right? I remember liberals were rubbing in it.
And I remember seeing that. And as much as I was happy that that fucking moron wasn't president anymore, I remember thinking, like, that's a stupid i remember thinking like that's a stupid thing to do that's a stupid thing to do because you're just going to make the other side want to do it back to you so you could literally have you know a fucking bucket of shit running and they're going to vote for it the same way liberals you know in 2020 they were so sick of donald trump they were just like i don't give a fuck anything because i remember during that election i was talking to somebody going like they were going anything's better than trump and i'm like anything like anything i'm like this guy can't even finish the sentence and they just will anything anything anything anything anything, anything is better.
You know, so been so bizarre. I'm sure I'm really hoping I'm not the only one that feels this.
Like the last three fucking elections, just watching like somebody actually happy with the results. It's just fucking out of, you know, it's just blown my mind.
And I know I sound like a broken record, but these politicians are so fucking corrupt

and so goddamn rich,

and no one talks about that.

A couple hundred grand a year,

and somehow you're worth $40 million?

How did that happen?

How does that happen?

How are you getting grants from the government

at the tune of $7, $8 billion,

your company's not profitable, and you're on your way to being a trillionaire. Are you putting any of that money into your company? You just stick it in your fucking pocket.
There's another thing about that Tesla guy. What the fuck is he doing with that stupid ass rocket? And why are all these fucking fucking idiots going down there watching it like they think it's the most amazing thing ever?

It's 70 degrees out in November,

and this fucking guy, for his own stupid ego,

is shooting off rockets.

Where are they going?

Where the fuck are you going to go?

Oh, we're going to Mars. Oh, yeah?

That place without an atmosphere? What are you going to do when you get there? Oh my fucking God. Like what sort of psychological fucking test would you have to pass? I love how these, these fucking regular people have just drive down the highway to go to some dead-end job think that they could mentally handle getting into a fucking spaceship leaving the planet you're from and going to fucking mars and at no point at no fucking point during that journey are like at least 15 of the people going to fucking lose their mind and freak out and have i mean you think you have a fucking panic attack about giving a book report can you imagine being a third of the way to mars and there's no way to fucking turn this thing around i mean didn't you learn anything from that fucking guy doing with the bootleg submarine going down to the goddamn Titanic? He was just trying to go underwater.
This fucking guy's trying to go to Mars. Dude, the level of drugs that they're going to have you on.
And that whole fucking thing that if you want to go back, you're not going back. Because there's so much money behind it.
Okay? You're not a person anymore. You're like this commodity.
And you're going to have to get there so they can do the fucking photo up. Okay, here's a question for you conspiracy theorists.
If you don't think that we ever made it to fuck the moon if they fake that if the government faked a moon landing does one laminated welfare recipient that's on his way to being a fucking trillionaire does this guy have the ability to fake a landing on mars um I don't know. You it's fucked up i think they tried to suggest that they've seen evidence that shows that at one point there was water on mars which you know someone who read like 10 20 classic books almost 30 years.
This is how I look at that. Was the sun hotter back then? So the earth wasn't, our planet was not inhabitable.
But it was hot enough and created whatever the fuck is on here on mars and then eventually either the sun cooled or the people that lived on mars destroyed themselves and their planet what if that has been happening from pluto all the way to earth and we're the next ones where we're just going to destroy our planet and it's going to be uninhabitable. And then as the sun, you know, because it's burning out, right? Then another zillion years goes by.
And then all of a sudden, was it Mercury? Venus. Venus will have an Earth atmosphere.
And then the next, whatever those fucking species of people look like. then their Tesla guy goes,

you know, we're going to go to Earth.

We're going to take you guys to fucking Earth.

And it just keeps happening

until it gets to Mercury.

And then once Mercury fucking destroys itself

with whatever

species is on that,

then God's done

with that solar system.

He stomps out the sun and then moves on to the other one sorry i did fucking those mushrooms man fuck me up i was actually thinking is god traumatized because we allegedly killed his kid but then if you kill him then he him again, right? I don't know. That's what I was doing by myself while watching ESPN and wanting to turn the channel.
But I couldn't because I just kept looking at the floors on the basketball court. All right.
This has been a podcast. I'm not saying it's been a good one it's been a little weird um anyway but i'm looking

forward to getting out out there and do america meeting some people and being respectful and not getting into arguments and uh not discussing politics or religion or whatever the fuck it is we have to do i don't know um wildfires in new Jersey I never even heard of that and it's November and we just reelected the guy who walked away from the Paris treaty alright good times good times but there'll be no gender neutral bathrooms.

All right. I'm fucking with you guys.
I will talk to you later. Have a great weekend, you cunts.
And this we have a bonus episode of the Thursday afternoon just before Friday, Monday morning podcast. Hope you enjoy.
All right right I'll see you hey what's going on it's Bill Burr and it's time for the Monday morning podcast for Monday November 14th 2016 what's going on how are you uh my voice is a little messed up here because uh I've been traveling, traveling, traveling. I've been taking my vitamins, as they say over in Europe, oregano, vitamins, tomatoes, basil.
I don't understand why with ingredients. Everything else we pretty much pronounce the same as fucking Great Britain.
But when it comes to spices, everything is different. We say oregano.
We say basil. They say oregano.
Basel. Whatever the fuck they say.
Tomato. Vitamins.
The only time I really experienced that in the United States is we say Carnegie and Pittsburgh says Carnegie. Bill, what are you talking about? I don't fucking know.

I just got off a goddamn plane and I watched all the football on the way out.

Oh my God, underrated flying

on football fucking Sunday

when there was two fucking games back to back

with seven fucking lead changes.

The boring NFL with their ratings down,

how great was Sunday? Fucking amazing. Fucking amazing, man.
That Dallas-Pittsburgh game was incredible. And the Pittsburgh-Seattle game was great.
And I know a lot of people would think, you know what the thing I was most upset about it wasn't the final score it wasn't the the

lack of a call on on the last play with gronk it was the tom brady picture

what the fuck was that with his hand on his hip and his other hand up underneath his jaw

what in the fuck was that that's what happens when you date a supermodel she's in his goddamn

ear just be like tom you're just standing there like everybody else you need to establish your Thank you. in the fuck was that that's what happens when you date a supermodel she's in his goddamn mirror just

be like tom you're just standing there like everybody else you need to establish your brand have fun with it be a little sassy um yes you're probably not gonna hear this from a lot of uh patriots fans but i love the no call at the end of the fucking game i'm forever sticking up for cornerbacks in the NFL when it comes to their right to be there to try and prevent a score. You know how this all started.
Old Jim Irsay out there in Indianapolis couldn't beat the Patriots defense, so he's the one that created the whole, hey, the cornerback can't even look at the receiver past five fucking yards, you know? So I love the no

call. I thought Gronk did that thing where he ran right into him.
He didn't quite push off, but it was one of those gray area things. You usually get a call on that.
I feel like 70% of the time, I'll just throw that stat out there. You know, I don't read, right? I love the no call

I wish that they would do that more

but other than that it was just a great fucking game and I liked it too because Seattle kind of just played the game rather than doing all that peacocking around every time they do something there was one guy that fat guy the nose tackle for Seattle I was fucking dying laughing on the plane that first drive the Patriots had where they just went right down the field and gave him the old right there Fred every fucking play was positive yardage except for one so we had like six seven plays in a row where we're just crushing it 15 yards 10 yards 8 yards 20 yards right down the field if you judge the game on that first fucking drive you'd be like oh my god this is gonna be be a fucking landslide right and then one play i think they handed it off to like le garrett blunt and he just runs in to the offensive line for no gain and that fat dude stands up and he wags a finger like matumbo over at belichick in the patriots bench hey all those other plays are going to work, but not that one. Don't try that one.
It's the funniest shit ever to me. But, you know, it was an amazing game.
And I actually liked the fact that we lost to them, even though they didn't have Bennett. You know, they were kind of hurt, and we still lost to them.
And it was in our house, you know. Did I just say our house? I'm sorry.
It was in our stadium. that didn i just say our house i'm sorry it was in our stadium

um that didn't bug me because if we meet him again in the playoffs i'd rather have lost the regular season game um you know they always say that shit like you know you gotta you always learn more during a loss i liked way better losing you know i think the biggest thing that fucked the 2007 Patriots

undefeated regular season Patriots

was the fact that we were undefeated also spygate everyone was just rooting against us i would have loved it so much more if we went into the playoffs 14 and 2 or 15 and 1 just to you know so everybody didn't like didn't have such a chip on their shoulder to fucking play you. I can't even remember why the fuck I just made that point.
Oh, I know why. Because I've seen so many times, it's like you beat them in the regular season, and then they see you a month or two later, and then they come back and beat you.
Giants did that to us. The Jets did it to us.
We beat them first. No, they beat us first.
Then we destroyed them at home. And then a month later they beat us in the playoffs and it's just kind of how it goes.
So, uh, I'm all right with it. Um, I'm still not too thrilled with our defense and, uh, can somebody by the way, for the love of fucking God.
and I don't want to hear this from a fan.

I need it from a football coach.

Can somebody explain to me the prevent defense?

I know I've asked this before, but for the love of God, can somebody please explain to me?

At the half, the Patriots score a touchdown.

We're playing with these guys.

We're covering them. They're not getting any big plays we completely abandon that there's 59 seconds to go in the half we completely fucking abandon that we start playing a zone defense or maybe we're playing zone up until then I don't know whatever the fuck we were doing was working we're in a zone defense giving them a 20 yard cushion basically you concede a field goal okay and we just in 59 seconds these fucking guys seven plays seven 75 yards in 59 fucking seconds and the last play for the touchdown watching that wide receiver

going from one zone of the defense to another you know what he looked like you ever see when a fan just runs out on the field and he's just running by players and they're just looking at him you know what i mean because that's a fan security will handle that this fucking guy because of the prevent defense was standing by himself like a yard out from the end zone if not on the end zone line waving his fucking arms i mean he might as well have been dressed in street clothes the level of like non-coverage that is and i understand the concept behind the prevent defense this is basically we'll give we'll give up the middle of the field. We'll protect the sideline.
And they'll make completions. We'll tackle them.
And then they're going to somehow eat up this 59 fucking seconds. It never happens.
I swear to God. I think it's a conspiracy.
It's a business move by the NFL. It's to increase scoring slash add to the drama.

If another team is only up by one fucking score and the other team goes into a prevent,

the game is going to end with three or four shots at the end zone

or they're going to kick a field goal to try and win it.

It just doesn't fucking work.

And you know what's funny?

So we go into the fucking prevent,

and they go right down the field,

give us the old right there, Fred,

score a fucking touchdown.

All right?

Very deflating, no pun intended,

for the Patriots as we go into the locker room.

All right?

Now we got to kick off to Seattle.

We kick off to Seattle.

We play defense.

They go three and out.

It's like, why the fuck didn't we do that before the half? Sorry. Half of this is emotion.
The only half is I smoked two cigars two nights in a row, which I can't fucking do. Um, I don't understand that on any fucking level.
I also don't understand when the end of the game, Seattle scores a touchdown. They go up by seven points.
Why wouldn't you just kick an extra point, go up by eight? You're acting like a two point conversion is a done deal, which is, isn't, which we saw when Seattle went to go for it and didn't get it right. Am I nuts there? Cause I kind of looked away from the screen um they went for two there right and they didn't get it and then they were only up by one maybe i'm maybe i'm wrong here i might be wrong if that's what happened can somebody explain that move that they went to go up by two so they'd be up by a touchdown and a field goal rather than just going let's go with the fucking 90 something percent thing and kick a fucking extra point go up by eight and make the Patriots not only have to score a touchdown, but then convert a fucking two point conversion.
If that is in fact what happened, like I said, I was on a plane and, uh, you know, there is shit to fucking look around at. Um, and also kind of like what I like to do is I like to, uh, I like to listen to like ACDC and shit like that when I'm on a plane.
So I listen to the whole Flick of the Switch album while I was watching the game. It's actually pretty fucking cool.
And also, you can actually just sort of watch the game and not get nearly as emotional. Because when your team is losing, you start thinking that the announcers are against your team and vice versa and all that type of shit so i um i don't know but i i thoroughly enjoyed that game i'm not one of those fucking fans that fucking you know his team loses and then thinks oh we got fucked and blah blah blah and all that bullshit okay i don't uh i don't think that it was a fucking great game and i know you guys didn't have bennett and uh you know and it was great seeing two of the most fucking uh the two biggest cheetahs facing off with one another one guy who gets all the press the other guy doesn't do you know seattle since like 2010 um i think they recently got passed by the redskins they they were the the most they had the most um people busted for uh taking roids you never know that they're in seattle man they make coffee nobody a fuck.
You do that where there's a little bit of foliage and all of a sudden it's a fucking national story for a fucking year and a half. Because you let a cunt's hairs wet the air out of a fucking ball.
It's hilarious. It's amazing to me.
Anyways, let's plow ahead here. I also got to do one of my favorite charitable events, other than the Patrice O'Neill Comedy Benefit.

Tickets are on sale.

They are on sale.

I will tweet out the link again today.

It's going to be at the New York City Center, I believe, February 21st.

I think it's a Tuesday.

Bill, it'd be kind of nice if you had the actual fucking information, wouldn't it?

Clicking on the camera.

Camera?

Clicking on the calendar.

All right. Going in.
It's, yes, February 21st. Bam! I got to do the Comics Come Home event.
And this is a really special event for me because I got to do I did it 20 years ago. It was the first time I did it.
I think it was at the Orpheum. And I got to meet Cam Neely.
Chris Nyland was there. I got to meet Dennis Leary.
And I mean, I was literally three and a half years in my career. And, um, it was such an unbelievable event to be a part of.
And I went out and thank God I, I, I had a good set. And I remember Leary called me and left a message.
I was so bummed I wasn't home when he called me. This is like 20 years ago.
So I didn't have a cell phone. I had an answer machine.
And I, you know, I actually remember listening to the message like over and over again. And he was like, uh, Hey Bill, it's a Dennis.
Uh, I just want to say thank you. Uh, you're really fucking funny and you fucking killed us.
And thank you for, uh, for doing it. All right.
All right. Fuck off.
And he just hung up and I listened to it like fucking 20 times in a row. It was so fucking cool.
And I was also in a panic, like, oh, fuck, I didn't pick up the phone when he called. Was that my big break? We would have talked.
We would have became friends. He would have opened all the doors for me.
You know, those over-the-talk panic moments that you have when you're trying to make it in this business that you think you every every little thing you think you blew it um and you actually what you end up realizing is this is not one thing it's a series of things all just building this fucking snowball that rolls down the hill before you finally get there um so anyway so i got to do it and uh it was jay larson it was his first one. He did great.
Wendy Liebman.

Lenny Clark with his fucking lime green pants.

Probably going to forget some people.

Wanda Sykes.

Nick DiPaolo.

Then me.

Then Bobby Kelly.

And that was cool because me and Bobby were closing it out.

And he's part of my stand-up graduation class.

And I remember when we both first got to do it, we were in the Jay Larson spot, the first guy out, the new guy, which is really hard, because nobody knows who you are enough, and you got to go up, and that was just the Orpheum, and Larson went up at the fucking TD Bank North Garden where the Bruins and Celtics play, and he fucking killed, looked totally relaxed, and I remember watching him going, like, I wasn't that relaxed the first time I did it, and just in a theater and um you know it was cool i had some friends there too that was that was their first uh comedy show they'd ever been to and let me let's just say they saw the gamut of everything that can possibly happen when you go on stage man it was a fucking uh it was a fun night it was a fun fucking night and uh a fun fucking night. And, you know, and then afterwards, everybody hung out.
And I had these cigars that I brought. And I was going, I was saying to the people, I said, hey, man, is there any place we can smoke these? And one of the guys connected with the Bruins was like, okay, there's a room we can go to.
So we ended up going to this, like, half-assed locker room. It wasn't the visitor locker room.
I don't know what the fuck it was. And we went in there and we just let these things up and just told stories for like fucking two hours.
The entire reason I love smoking cigars. And we were in there so long by the time we got out, like, uh, they had broken down the stage and everything and they were setting it up, I think for a Bruins game.
I couldn't tell if it was going to be Bruins or Celtics. It was sort of midway.
And just watching the Bull Gang or whatever they're called, just setting it up was so fucking cool. Our little Uber fucking, our little car service back to the hotel had left.
And we were like, ah, fuck it. We were staying at the Liberty, so we just fucking walked around the corner.
And it was fucking hilarious. Just down the streets of boston at fucking two in the morning on a saturday night and every these fucking people hammered almost a fight here people screaming and yelling and shit and it's just like i don't know it's like god i remember this shit fucking the energy of boston it's just it's so fucking unique.'s really just like uh it took me a long time to pick up on it because i was just in it you know what i mean it's kind of like if your car stinks when they did a commercial where they say you go nose blind you don't see it i kind of was like i don't know i couldn't see how fucking nuts boston is but i've said it before boston is like the sucker punch, like capital of the fucking world.
Like when you go into a bar, you just at past a certain hour, there's this anger that settles in, in the bar. You just feel it.
Somebody's going to fucking, something's going to happen, right? You always say that dude, you hear about OB? Uh, dude, he got fucking suckered in a bar last night. Um kid suckered him he was wearing a fucking clatter ring kid um i'm not saying it's all like that but there's just this that at two in the morning that vibe exists i remember one time walking back from the wilbur theater i can't remember where the fuck i was staying i was walking with derose i was like man i mean i just want to walk you know just walk the city a little bit man I miss it and all the memories you know Back in the day going to Emerson College And commuting and taking the train in To go to fucking Bruins, Celtics, Red Sox games and shit And I was walking And like there was two of the angriest fucking kids I've ever seen in my life There was like these homeless people laying Over the subway grates And they were fucking walking by by them.
And they were just screaming, wake up, get a fucking job. Like, they were like so angry.
They were like 30 yards in front of me, and I was continuing to slow down because I was like, if I'm even anywhere near this guy's orbit, he's going to want to fight me. He was like that level of angry.
And of course, he's got his girlfriend who's trying to calm him down oh my god stop it just just go to the car what are you doing he's fucking screaming and he's all fucking angry she's trying to fucking hold him and he's pulling away and shit so of course eventually he fucking sits down and he's just mean mugging everybody coming by and i remember he yelled yelled at me and DeRosa. I'm just like, just keep walking.
Just keep walking. Just fucking.
I don't know what it is. I don't know if it's in the water.
I don't know what that is, but we felt that vibe. And it was funny.
So we were actually walking back. It was me, Bobby, and a couple of his buddies and um connected with the show right and we fucking walking back and uh we did that thing you know which said don't walk we were kind of standing in the street a little bit and these kids come around the corner in this car the kid and they're jam-packed with kids you know like everybody fucking piled in this kid's fucking in the back seat he's got this awful fucking mustache he comes as you're driving by he's like hey you're standing in the street as he went by and i could tell me and bobby hadn't lived there in a long time and i just looked at bobby and i was just like you know we were standing in the street and he's like like, yeah, he was right.
Now, back in the day, that would have been, fuck you, you fucking mustachioed, whatever. And then they would have pulled over.
And then you want to go? Oh, you want to fucking go? And everybody's taking their gold chains off. That was the 80s.
Remember the 80s when you had gold chains? Right before the fight, everybody's like taking their gold chain off and handing it to your girlfriend. Keep your rings on.
Take your chains off, dude. Yeah, so it was great to be back there.
And I came up there so quickly, I didn't get a chance to go to some of the old food haunts. But my mother made some beef stew before I left, so that was great.
I hung around for like a day, like an asshole. I hung around till like six at night thinking the, I didn't look, I thought the Patriots game was a, uh, was an afternoon game, but I got, like I said, I got to watch it on the, uh, on the, um, on the fucking, uh, on the plane, on the airplane there.
Um, so anyways, all right, let's get into, uh, let's read a little bit of advertising here. I have not watched the fucking Formula One race yet.
I know Lewis Hamilton won, and he's closing the gap. So you people who have not watched fucking Formula One all year, I think the last one's in Abu Dhabi or some shit or Dubai.
I don't know where the fuck it is, all right? But this one is going to determine the fucking winner. I think Nico, all he's got to do is just come in third place.
If he just does that, he's going to win it. And Lewis obviously needs to win the fucking race.
But it's kind of cool that it's coming down to the last one. Anyways, let me to the fucking avatar i have to hum my pipe my password or else i won't be able to talk and fucking um all right we got what do we got two more all right fuck that i'll read those later all right okay back to the podcast so anyways um yeah I didn't get a chance.
The fucking race was in Brazil. I got it taped at home.
I can't wait to see it cause it was raining. And, uh, that's one of the coolest things I find about a formula one racing is that it's like football.
They don't give a shit. You know, if it's raining or not, they're going to keep, they're going to keep racing.
And, uh, I think that's cool. And it adds all this extra, uh, elements to the race.
And, um, you know, it it's like when two teams like one team is favored by 14 and all of a sudden it starts fucking raining out and everybody starts slip sliding around you got yourself a good game I thought that this was going to be a landslide one way or the other like Hillary Clinton I still can't believe Donald Trump won I I still cannot fucking believe that. A reality show TV star got fucking elected.
Oh, Jesus. Two of the worst fucking candidates ever to fucking face each other, in my humble fucking opinion.
But what the fuck do I know? Evidently, I know a lot, considering a lot of the fucking emails I got and all this shit on Twitter. I got a lot of shit from my appearance on Conan, which I got to be honest with you guys, was not a fucking easy one to do.
It was the day after the election. Everyone was in shock, I think including Trump supporters, because I went back East and I talked to a couple friends of mine and they voted for Trump and I was like, dude, I can't believe that guy won.
And they were like, yeah, I can't fucking believe it either. So I don't know.
Maybe this is like when the Patriots beat the Rams. I have no fucking idea.
But anyways, that was not an easy spot to be in, you know? And I stayed true to who I was, an uninformed jackass who can't fucking read out loud, who's into conspiracy theory. I talked about Hillary dressing up like a yak and fucking people under a mountain.
I talked about Trump being a dope and that whole ridiculous shit about building a fucking wall. I trashed them both equally, but people who vote for colors, you got a blue tie, You can say nothing wrong.
You got a red tie. You can't do anything wrong.
Right? I got so much fucking shit. It's so amazing how people hear things.
I actually, my point in all of that was like, you know, it'd be kind of cool if we all just stop yelling at each other. All right.
All right. If you guys, if you want to hear my fucking theories,

this is my theory. Okay.
I think Trump got in because of eight years of Obama and the progressive left. And I think they got in because of eight years of George Bush and I think Bush and Cheney.
And I think they got in because of eight years of Clinton. And I think Clinton got in because of 12 years of Reagan and Bush.

It just

keeps, it goes like way conservative

and in because of eight years of Clinton. And I think Clinton got in because of 12 years of Reagan and Bush.
It just keeps, it goes like way conservative, and then it goes way fucking liberal, and then it goes way conservative. You know what I mean? I mean, think about where America was, right? When Bush and Cheney were there.
Alright? And then six years later or or so during Obama's presidency, like Bruce Jenner transitioned, got her own show and was named woman of the year. Okay.
Now that is not something that you would think could happen in 07, six years later, boom, that's where the fuck it's at. And I don't know.
And what I, my problem with both sides is the way they've rammed their ideology down your fucking throat. And that if you have a difference of an opinion, you know, on the right, it's usually, it means you're against America.
You don't support the troops. And you're a socialist.
And on the left, if you don't agree with them, you're a caveman. You're a fucking sexist.
You're a racist. You're a homophobe.
You're any of those fucking things. But both sides equally try to get you to lose your job.
And they try to destroy your ability to earn a living because of your beliefs. And for the life of me, as confusing as the prevent defense is, can somebody please explain to me how if somebody says something politically or socially that you don't agree with, um, spawning a movement to get them to lose their fucking job,

how that makes that person more supportive of the troops,

America, less of a socialist,

whatever the fuck it is you think they are,

or how that makes them less racist, less homophobic.

Like, I don't know.

That doesn't work. Yelling at people, taking away their jobs.
You know what I mean? It's like way back when the Dixie Chicks criticized George Bush. The fucking right, all of a sudden, they pressured radio stations to not play their music.
They were fucking running over their CDs with steamrollers. And, you know, people were like, dude, what the fuck? dude what the fuck you're going a little far it's like no they had a right to say that we had a right to respond it's tit for tat it's like that's not tit for tat you know tit for tat is they trash george bush you defend george bush and you trash them trying to systematically destroy their career and their ability to make a living is not tit for tat.
That's like somebody flicked your fucking ear and then you took out a fucking knife and cut that, trying to cut that jugular. So, and personally speaking, I think both sides are, uh, are really guilty of that.
They're really guilty when you get really far left and you get really far right. They're really guilty of just, they bully people and they're so fucking wrapped up in that.
They're so goddamn right about everything that they really become condescending insufferable assholes. And, um, I don't know.
So I try to, I try to stay in the middle cause I would never tell you who the fuck to vote for, nor did I ever on this thing, unlike what most people saw. Dude, I got people on fucking Twitter.
It's hilarious. Like, they're just sitting there.
First of all, they think they know me, because they watch me on a talk show, and then they think they know how I voted. Like, the amount of people that thought I I voted for Trump and then the amount of people that thought I voted for Hillary.
All the Trump people think I voted for fucking Hillary and all the Trump, all the Hillary people think I voted for Trump. I didn't vote for either one of them.
I told you guys right along. Bernie Sanders was my fucking guy.
That was my fucking guy. And watching him getting boxed out by the media because they felt hillary had more of a chance and they didn't give a shit that they were just voting just more of the same more of the same um the only thing i will commend with the right is they got their b Sanders in.
I mean, the guy is a fucking shit show.

But at least, you know, at least they stuck by their rebel.

I wish that they had done that.

I would have loved to have seen Bernie against fucking Donald Trump.

I think Bernie would have had a better shot.

I just think the Clintons had too much fucking baggage.

You know? And even as a Clinton supporter, you know that's fucking true. How little did Bill Clinton talk during that whole fucking time? He didn't talk at all.
This is a former fucking president who had a successful presidency. I mean, even though he got impeached for sticking a cigar, lying about, you know, Monica Lewinsky, he didn't talk like Al Gore lost to George Bush.
You know, he didn't use Bill Clinton. He goes, I got to get the fuck away from you, dude.
You're a fucking nightmare. You're a fucking nightmare.
You're a political fucking nightmare. And the dude's own wife had to do the exact same fucking thing.
I don't know. They had a ton of fucking baggage, you know, and Hillary supporters won't fucking look at it objectively at the same way Trump supporters won't look at that.
I mean, I don't know. It's just it's a fucked up time.
But I will tell you this, though, at the time for screaming and yelling at each other is over, I feel.

And it would be nice is if those people who aren't crazy fucking left and crazy right could kind of maybe break bread a little bit, which I don't think is going to happen because of eight years of Obama and eight years of progressive, the progressive left becoming word police and social police and idea police and all of this stuff telling you what the fuck you're supposed to think about everything and what you're supposed to say and what word you're supposed to use. And I really think it's overly simplifying saying that the right voted the way they did because they want to say homophobic and racial slurs.
Just turning people into it. That's like both of them.
They always turn each other into like a cartoon. Like you ever notice like whenever like a Democrat gets in the right totally overreacts and like it's going to be socialism.
It's going to be like communist Russia. There's going to be terrorists running down the fucking street, you know? And then whenever anybody in the right gets in, it's always like, this is like Germany in 1935.
Every fucking time. They say that every fucking time.
I'm not saying that one of those times it won't be fucking true, but they say it every fucking time and they completely freak the fuck out. And, um, I don't know.
And then when they get in, they ram their ideologies down the other person's throat. They have zero empathy for somebody else.
They have zero empathy for how, uh, people want to raise their kids. And they just both sides, they just like, we're like, we're 100% right and you're going to fucking take this right down the throat.
And I don't know. Each election, I think the pendulum keeps swinging farther and farther.
But even if you're not fucking Democrat, you have to be proud of the last eight fucking years. I mean, at least there was no cigars and pussies.
There was no, have weapons of mass destruction oops we can't find any oh now it's a liberation there was none of that shit right who knows who the fuck i don't know what's gonna happen but uh you know i'm no comfortable with this result than anybody else but you you wouldn't know that from all these fucking things these emails

these i'll read you i'll try to get through these next two emails that i got this is classic

like political shit how people like they just hear what they want to hear right so this guy

writes me and this guy is basically i think uh blaming me in a roundabout way for donald trump

getting in because god knows that's the kind of power the monday morning podcast has you know

Thank you. I think, blaming me in a roundabout way for Donald Trump getting in.

Because God knows that's the kind of power the Monday morning podcast has.

A couple hundred thousand downloads.

I mean, that's it, dude.

That's it.

I can't believe I don't have secret service security right outside my door as I do this.

Literally a podcast where I talk about fucking sports 90% of the time. I talk about conspiracy theory.
I say I'm an idiot. I can't read out loud.
You know, this guy for some reason is choosing to ignore all of this. I'm going to say because the person he wanted didn't get in.
So here we go. Dear Freckles, I'm no rocket scientist.
All right. Immediately going self-deprecating.
Neither are you. Okay.
Agreed. And I think it's safe to assume the large majority of your listeners aren't either.
Unlike you, I would never speak for them. I don't know who they are.
Okay? But, you know, if you want to assume that to continue on with your point, I'll go along with it. Most are like me.
Average middle class person has not done one fucking ounce of research for this but this is this is this is how we build points this is how i build a point most are like me average middle class folk who laugh who like a laugh twice a week from our favorite comedian see this this is laying the groundwork i i feel an overhand right coming um you have swayed my opinion on several things over the years oh jesus most notably i went from a patriot hater to someone who supports them and agrees they are unfairly scrutinized by the league and other teams well isn't that amazing so i guess if i could sway you on the amount of air that should be in a football i could sway you on who you're going to pick for the leader of the free world. Yeah, I can, that's the same.
You know, I, I, I, I totally see that point. I don't think there's any sort of giant body of water that you're leaping over there.
I don't, okay, here we go. When I realized, when I realized how much your opinions influence me, I realized how much they might influence others.
Okay. Here's, here's the big failure here, buddy.
Okay. You didn't agree with me on the Patriots.
I brought you around. You didn't agree with me with my, my political opinion on Hillary Clinton.
You didn't change. You know, I think that I can bring your fucking opinion around about using those savey save fucky fuck cards in your everyday bullshit life but when i think it comes down to electing the leader of the free world i think you go a little bit beyond the monday morning podcast or the thursday afternoon just before friday monday morning podcast where i scream i'm just checking in on you like a fucking idiot for half a minute all right so here we here he goes with this see he's laid see he came out i'm no rocket scientist self-deprecating okay then he goes uh hey then he just goes well i'm going to assume that this is what your listeners are without doing any sort of research and then I'm going to go oh you swayed me on this fucking basic bullshit horse shit that means absolutely nothing therefore you could sway me on something that means you know Jesus Christ dude you walk through the mall and there's somebody sitting there going hey buddy can I talk to you for a second this is a self fan look look at this you can spray some spritzer in and blah blah blah and all of a sudden you buy some little impulse buy thing then then with your theory that guy could also get you to vote for who the fuck he wants you to vote for anyways continuing on when i realized how much your opinion influenced me i realized how much they might influence others and how these influences might have much larger implications than the NFL.

Call me crazy, but it seems like you're going into paranoia now.

After your polls said that your person was going to win, and now you're sitting there with your jaw on the ground, and now you're looking for a scapegoat, and here I am, a

48-year-old, bald, pasty fucking redhead. There's easy target let's go after him i love it buddy let's do it fucking tower and feather me here we go you have consistently and foolishly bashed bashed hillary so much more so much more than you have trump hilarious right so much more than trump i have an entire chunk of material on don Trump and Trump was so fucking easy I felt guilty when I was on stage I did it when I was on Conan about building the fucking wall how ridiculous an idea that is how much money that was going to be I did all of that I always called him a dope I always called him a reality tv show star Didn't even remotely respect him as a businessman.
I said I didn't believe that he was a billionaire. I said I don't think that he could get you six grand in cash if he gave him six or seven weeks.
I thought he was completely leveraged out. I made fun of his hair.
I made fun of how he didn't say anything to anybody. He never said anything.
It was the most fascinating thing I've ever seen. He would go like fucking, I'm going to do this.
I'm going to do that. And someone would be like, how are you going to do that? And he would be like, oh, you'll see.
You'll see. I was doing a bit in my act going, I want to use that with my wife.
Just make all these outrageous claims about what a great husband I'm going to be. And then when she gives me shit, well, what are you going to do to improve yourself? Oh, you'll see.
You'll see. No, you need to tell me.
Well, I'm not going to give away my strategies. Then you'll steal them.
I did all of that. Right? And then Hillary, I said that she was part of the Bilderberg Group.
I talked about the Hillary Foundation and how they fucking been living off of that shit. They threw a $3 million wedding for their daughter.
All of that type of shit. All of her fucking felony charges and everything, which of course all Hillary supporters are like, those were unfounded.
They were not proven. Yet, with fucking Donald Trump, six or seven people say that he sexually assaulted them, which I fucking believe.
I believe that too. That girl when she went, get real, which I also said on the podcast and i was like dude he definitely did that shit you didn't hear all any of this shit did you sir you know why because because you got fucking blue ties stuck in your fucking ears all right let's go continuing to blame me all right um i evidently it's so I trashed Hillary, uh, the entire election.
You have unfairly focused hate on her. And at the end of your tirade, you tack on, Oh, and he's a cunt too.
Uh, you don't seem to realize the influence you have on people who listen to you twice a week, every week, sir, you've done nothing to prove that I have influence. This is all something that you built in your head

when you were hyperventilating

that this fucking monster got into the office.

All right?

And Hillary's a monster too.

Okay?

And that right there was my,

oh, and she's a cunt too.

I didn't like either one of these people

and that was my message throughout all of this.

Okay? And that's just my fucking opinion, which I'm allowed to have. Aren't I? All right.
You most likely, you most likely influenced at least one voter to vote for Donald Trump. And for that, you should be fucking ashamed.
Dude, this is all fucking conspiracy theory. Because you chose, you got somebody to cast one vote for the person that i didn't vote for you should be fucking ashamed because i only see the faults of the guy with the red tie and i don't see any faults with the person with the blue blouse all right you are uh you are so stupid here we go this is always great to get somebody to listen to your opinion.
Usually what you should do, you usually should end with the insult. Say your point and then you tag on, you fucking asshole, because then they'll at least hear your point.
But if you start this, if you front end load, all right, you are so stupid that in one sentence you go from saying how they never talk about this issue or that issue, then conclude by saying, but I haven't watched any of the debates or kept up on this at all. You fucking idiot.
Yeah, exactly. Exactly.
You don't think that Trump supporters didn't say the same thing? They buddy because i got i have the exact same fucking

email from the other side all right which with my theory that i'll now use that also has no research behind it i would say that you guys all sort of canceled each other out so whatever influence i had i influenced somebody the other way too so i am completely exonerated here and if you look at the popular vote it was almost right down the fucking middle so there you go so you he calls me a fucking idiot all right uh they never talk about climate change is something you've said on monday uh the day before the election you have no clue what you're talking about well first of all i said they never do i didn't say that one or the other. So that was an even handed one, right? She goes, Clinton has made it a major point and supports the Paris Agreement.
Nothing I ever saw. She made it a major point.
She's commented on it. It goes to the Paris Agreement.
Not that you even know what the fuck that is. You freckled fuck.
Of course. See, this guy, once again, making assumptions.
I know what the Paris Agreement it is. I've seen it on the Daily Show.
I saw when they all talked about it. I saw when they went there and the right finally said, and I actually talked about this on the podcast, sir, when the right went there, then they finally said, okay, after denying it, they finally said global warming does exist, but it's too late to do

anything about it now. All right.
I believe I compared that to when Pete Rose finally admitted that he'd been on baseball and said, now can you let me in the hall of fame? I distinctly remember saying that. Not that you remember that, sir, because you got your blue bonnets stuffed in your fucking ear.
I also actually looked up weeks ago like when did people first start talking about climate change as i was driving down the street and i was listening and they were saying you know i drove down the street that morning i heard that uh on npr they say scientists say the great barrier reef is now dead and then they went on to talk about theubs, which of course struck me as funny that the whole rest of the report should have been about that. Or that swirl of trash in the Pacific Ocean and all that shit, which none of these guys really talk about.
They do a little bit of lip service. That's about it.
But they're not going to fucking do anything about it. And even if they try to, they can't because these corporations own them, which is why I like the fucking, the lunatic guys.
I never vote for the fucking mean people. I don't know.
Whatever, whatever. Let's just plow ahead.
So anyways, yeah, I actually looked it up and the first time climate change was brought up, somebody had like a theory before it was even happening, was projecting that the population kept growing, that it was, the theory was that we would heat up the planet, they did that in the early 1800s, I couldn't believe it, and then there was a few more things about it, I can't remember, it was weeks ago, but like in the late 50s was the first definitive paper saying, since the 1950s, scientists have been telling people that the pollutions and shit that we've been putting in the air or whatever, like I'm not a scientist, okay? I am just a regular guy, but I read they have known about it or had the attention called to it since the late 1950s, okay? So I'm not as, I am a moron, but I'm not as dumb as you think I am, sir. And one of the reasons why I underplay myself is because I don't want to be another fucking jerk off.
Who's just fucking, you know, getting in your fucking ear like some people in my business. OK.
So anyways, he goes, Trump has said repeatedly that climate change is a hoax that was created by the Chinese. He said he said it repeatedly.
I'm going to look up the Internet, see how many times he repeatedly said that. Usually when people say repeatedly, it means it's a quote that somebody said like seven years ago, one time.
All right. And yet you blindly and ignorantly spew your unfounded bullshit.
Dude, you just defined this podcast. Why are you acting like this is meet the press? He goes, I'm not a genius.
Oh, he's back to being humble again. I'm not a genius as you call me a fucking idiot.
All right. I'm not a political scientist.
Now he's doing humble pie. He's got his hands up.
But I took just a few hours out of my life to research both of their positions on crucial issues and get an understanding of them. Oh yeah.
I never did that. I didn't do that at all.
And I'm not the one speaking to thousands of people twice a week. You should truly be horrified at the thought you had anything to do with this fucking train wreck.
I love how you do you do you think that Hillary has any responsibility for the campaign that she ran? I mean, from day one, her campaign could not use an unbelievable asset, which was former president Bill Clinton. because of all of the shit show that that guy was, both professionally and in his personal life, her husband was a former president that was wildly popular.
She couldn't even use the guy because of all the fucking skeletons in his fucking closet. You know? And together they both had skeletons.
You know? It's a very polarizing candidate that you picked. And I thought in key moments.
You know? Where she really could have come up with something clever to say. She didn't have it.
Look sir. Be honest with me.
What really gets you into office? Your policy or playing the saxophone on fucking Arsenio Hall?

Or not sticking your head out of a tank and looking like a fucking dope?

Or getting too excited and going,

I mean, that's the kind of shit that brings people down,

more so than anything else.

And dude, that's not my fault, if you want to fucking blame me for that.

But that is the truth.

So you can actually win an election like you just saw that fucking dope Trump do without saying a fucking thing but being good at trashing somebody's fucking shirt, which is basically how he got in. Promising a bunch of shit, not saying what he was going to do, and then look at that guy down there, he's fucking cluel.
And everybody just laughing. Hillary didn't have any of that.

She had no fucking swagger.

She just.

Dude, I remember when she did that hot sauce moment on that fucking radio show.

And the host was going.

Everybody that was African-American.

And she goes, what's your favorite?

You know, what's your go to thing?

What do you always carry around with you?

And she said hot sauce, which evidently was true.

OK, but immediately looked like she was pandering. And and the guy said are you just trying to pander sounds to me like you're just trying to pander to black people and rather than just saying like no man i like it i've been blah blah blah blah she goes is it working i mean that right why the fuck would you say that? Why would you say it? And when I saw her say that, I immediately, I assumed, I said, ah, she is pandering.
And then people were going like, well, actually, it's true. And then I looked it up, and I go, oh, it is fucking true.
But still, this is the thing. If I was really into fucking hot sauce, and I was fucking running, and I was on an all-black radio station, I wouldn't have brought it up because it would have looked like pandering and then if I did bring it up, sorry about my voice I sound like going through puberty here, even if I did brought it up then I would have been honest about it been like no, I know it sounds like I'm pandering but there are some crossover things I actually really enjoy it so you mean you got she has to take some sort of the responsibility that you know she couldn't beat this fucking nitwit um all right over 300 of the top economists um i'm not saying that she's not an evil cunt too over 300 of the top economists including eight nobel uh laureates came together to say i don't know if i said right, that a Trump presidency would mean turmoil in the American and as a result, the world's economy.
Over 350 of the best scientists in the world came together to say his presidency would be a disaster for the entire planet because of his dangerous stance on climate change, not to mention Russia literally threw a party in the parliament building as soon as Trump was elected. That actually, I'm happy.
I like when Russia and the United States are unfriendly fucking terms. It would be nice that we're not going in a direction to fucking keep pointing missiles at one another.
And, you know, for as much as Al Gore, Al Gore, I loved his stance on climate change. He wasn't able to get a fucking thing done.
He wasn't able to stop it. He wanted to fucking, you get a few policies in there.
They just ignore it. And these guys are only in there for 48 years.
They just wait them out. I remember when Al Gore wanted to have a car that got 100 miles to a gallon.
I was excited. I was in my 20s.
I wanted to buy the car. They just kept delaying it and delaying it and delaying it.
And then they got out of office. Al didn't beat Bush.
And then they just scrapped it and it was fucking over. And that's what they do because they don't give a shit.
They don't give a shit. You honestly think Hillary Clinton would have stopped global warming? If you talk, all those 350 scientists that are all experts, you know what else they've said? They said it's too late.
It was too late by the 1980s. Or something in the 90s.
It's been too late. It's almost like not even a fucking issue anymore.
I mean, it is an issue, but the only way to do it was we would all have to fucking go back to living like cavemen, and 90% of us would have to die and just kind of sit there and not do jumping jacks to add to the fucking heat and hope this thing could heal itself. Other than that, I don't know what the fuck you're going to do.
Because everybody's running around just having to get a flat screen TV in every fucking room. I love how it's like the political candidates are responsible for it.
It's like we're just as responsible as anybody else, aren't we? I don't know. Jesus Christ, this christ this is like meet the press here anyway so the next time you open that stupid fucking freckle crusted mouth this guy's like more enlightened than me by the way remember your words have power you are an influential person whether you want to believe it or not i don't expect you to read this tirade on the podcast but i hope you read it and realize a fool you've been.
Why? Because I don't agree with you. Because you have all of this admittedly, that none of this was researched.
If you just did 45 minutes of research, earlier you told me a couple hours, you could see that yes, Hillary made mistakes with the email and Benghazi. Yeah, she made mistakes, okay? But nothing she ever did was criminal.
Exactly. All right, well, Trump, he made some mistakes with women, but none of it was ever criminal or he would have been fucking in jail, right? He would have been brought up on charges, right? The charges would have stuck.
You can do the same thing. You're going to completely, and I like how you don't bring up the fucking Hillary Foundation or any of that type of shit either.
Or any of the other fucking, all that other whatever, the fucking whitewater, all of that fucking crap. You don't bring up any of that shit.
You don't bring up the fact that they're both worth hundreds of millions of fucking dollars. And that's not a red flag to you.
These down to earth Democrats who are men of the people, they're worth a couple hundred million dollars. The presidency pays 500 grand a year.
How do they do it? And don't give me that horse shit about, they give political speeches. Fucking political speeches that they give, okay? Can you at least agree with me on this, sir? That is just, that's just those people washing their bribe money.
Those are the people that put them in office and then they go back and they give a speech and they give him 300 grand, 250 grand to fucking speak there for it. Give me a fucking break.
All right. All right.
So there, that's his fucking thing. So he thinks I'm a moron and I got Trump to be fucking elected.
Okay. Now, now here the exact opposite.
Bill, you really are uneducated on Trump. Bill, you need to run away from the progressives.
This person thinks I'm a progressive liberal. Listen to the exact same podcast, sir.
Move the fuck out of California or whatever liberal spot you're living in. Now, this is what I can tell you immediately is the last person who wrote this email is not listening to this at all.
It's just is already yelling at his fucking windshield about what a dope this guy is. He goes, I just heard your podcast about the tearful Democrats.
He listened to my podcast and he thinks that I'm a progressive liberal. And for instance, you had no clue who is going to pay for the wall.
Dude, I've said all along I have no clue.

I don't know shit about football.

I watch fucking Patriots Seattle.

I can't name half the fucking people.

All right, here we go.

You have no true.

This is the funniest thing I've ever.

One of the funny things I've read.

You have no clue who's going to pay for the wall.

Trump had 100 rallies where he asked the audience,

who's going to pay for the wall? And had a hundred rallies where he, he asked the audience, who's going to pay

for the wall? And everyone would shout Mexico. Do you realize, sir, that all you were doing was just repeating what he said was going to happen, but he never said how he would get Mexico? So, sir, just imagine you didn't like your next door neighbor.

Okay?

And you were sick of him. how he would get Mexico.
Sir, just imagine you didn't like your next door neighbor.

Okay?

And you were sick of him

cutting across your lawn

or whatever the fuck he was doing.

You know, cutting across the corner of your lawn

and making the grass go flat

and you were fucking sick of it.

Now let me ask you this.

Let's say you decided to build a wall

and you decided that he was going to pay for it. How would you go about doing that? Exactly.
Now let's move it up to a fucking country level. So we're going to build this wall and we're going to, how are we, how is he going to make Mexico pay for it? And if you tell me it's only a guess, because as far as I watched, he never said how.
Economic sanctions. You're going to pressure them into fucking doing it? Okay, anyway, so here we go.
How is it that those mobs, mobs, great word, dude, are more educated than you? Who the fuck is saying that the benefit of the walls will be jobs? Who are you listening to? And who said Trump doesn't want healthcare? He's been really left on healthcare, saying people with no insurance should be able to get treatment and care from way back when he was running in the primaries. See, now this guy thinks Trump is left on this.
See, this is why. This is why, sir, the first person that you think I had influence, it's like people just hear the podcast.
You guys already have your fucking minds made up. And then you listen to the podcast, okay? And it's like watching a football game.
And you're listening to Chris Collinsworth. I met him one time when I did Inside the NFL.
Chris Collinsworth goes, everybody thinks I hate their fucking team and like the other team better. And that's what you guys are doing with this podcast.
All right? You guys are listening to this shit. You lean left or you lean right.
And when I trash your guy, you think I'm only trashing your man or woman and I'm trashing it more than the other people. And then if and when your person loses,

you then blame my podcast.

All right?

You guys went out and you voted for

who the fuck you wanted to vote for,

and you listened to the information

that you wanted to listen to,

and you listened to whatever the fuck

you were receptive to that vibed in your life,

which is the exact reason why

when I was doing this bit on stage

talking about Trump supporters going, how can you support this guy? He's got people openly yelling the N word at his rallies. There's video of that.
Doesn't that bother you? And this is what they would say. Well, you know, I'm not, I said this on Conan.
They would be like, you know, I'm not, I'm not, I'm not into that. I'm not into that.
But Hillary, and what it is, is what tracks for people is what's going to affect their fucking life. And unfortunately, when it comes to fucking racism, it doesn't track with white people because it's not a factor in their life.
White people are not victims of racism, despite the fact they say that they are when they talk about like affirmative action. that that's racist because they don't understand that the reason why affirmative action came about was because racist white people would not hire people who were not white.
So they literally had to come up with the law to force white people to give other people a chance. And then what people do is they just look at that moment.
They don't look at the history of it. They just look right then and there.
So I don't know. I think that, look, I understand that right now, believe me, do I understand going to comedy shows and seeing the way the fucking crowd is reacting, that this is a very volatile fucking time.
Um, this guy goes on to talk about how fucking, uh, people thought Republicans were being dramatic when they said no to World War III, vote Trump. But the Democratic National, the DNC, I don't even know what the fuck it stands for, force Russia to, why isn't it DNP, Democratic National Party, make my life easier.
Force Russia to dump tons of money into hypersonic nuclear missiles. They have these fucking hypersonic carriages that can hold 16 nuclear warheads.
They can penetrate our missile shields. Blah, blah, blah, blah, blah.
And all this type of shit. Reputable scholars were saying that we're moving towards World War III if you elect Hillary.
Now they're all changing their tune thanks to President Trump, former host of The Apprentice. Get on board with Trump.
Your annoying your annoying voice should be on our side see he doesn't think i'm fucking on his side you don't think i'm on your side both of you have scholars and scientists that say your point of view is right because what you guys do is you go to i'm right.com and you memorize a bunch of horseshit and then when your person doesn't win you then fucking blame a So there you go. I don't know what to tell you guys.
I respect both of your opinions. I don't agree on either one of them.
I usually don't say who I vote for because I think it's a private matter, but I did not vote for either one of them. I voted for somebody else.
Bernie wasn't on the ballot. I voted for somebody else that I thought was the best candidate, not who the fuck I thought was going to win.
And I think that's a major problem is that people don't want what's right. They want to win, you know? So they will go with a candidate that is a warmonger or a fucking racist or a corrupt piece of shit.
And they don't give a fuck as long as they're wearing the right fucking color tie. All right.
And now I'm done. Um, all right.
Let's be some advertising everybody. Um, but I do have to say this is let's just say whatever Trump is going to do.
Um, all it's doing for me, you know, he appoints this guy and he's got this fucking past where he allegedly said something about Jews, you know, wasn't proven or whatever, but he's got this fucking past where he allegedly said something about Jews, you know, wasn't proven or whatever.

But he's got this fucking background.

Like all that does for me, it's just inspires me to become more of a fucking understanding person and try to listen to people. And as long as you just take that, like that attitude, you know, I don't really don't should, um, make up your mind on who you should be afraid of.
And what we need to do and what these people are going to do to us or what they're not going to do to us just because they fucking said it. I don't, I don't listen to that.
What I like to do is I listen to what the president says. And then I go to the and I go to their fucking thing and I try to find some English story about what the fuck they're saying about us and then I try to figure out what the middle is.
All right? I don't know. I don't give a shit what color your fucking tie is.
All right. So white people, if you're nervous, Okay liberal whites if you're really a fucking good liberal white you'll become even more fucking understanding of people that aren't white and and that are gonna you know bear the brunt of what this guy might fucking do i think it's your your responsibility to become even more understanding.
You know what I mean? And stop making everything about yourself and your fucking world. Because the mainstream is already about that.
All right? There you go. I'm off my, you need to take that, take it or don't.
You know, it's up to fucking you. All right? But I don't want you, I don about thumping somebody, taking your fucking, I can't stand listening to white people talking about, oh, they're taking the country away from us.
It's like, if you looked at a fucking census, you idiot, you know, you're fine. Okay? All the water parks, they're made for you.
No one gives a second look when you show up. Like, what's his element doing here? They're excited you're there.
And within two seconds, there's someone in a mascot outfit fucking hugging you. There you go.
All right. You're going to be fine.
All right. Driving your four wheeler on your property.
All right. Anyways, that's sort of the podcast.
Here's another thing. Like, um, you know, I travel a lot, so I get to talk to all of these fucking people out there.
And, uh, I know somebody that voted for Trump and was like, I think it's exciting. I think it's exciting that he's going to be present obviously he's a white dude he's excited right and this is the same guy he said obama's a fucking idiot all right which you're free to say that you think he's a fucking idiot but you can watch fucking donald trump oh i'm gonna do it it just it't know.
That's what I learned traveling this country. It's just people hear what the fuck they want to hear.
All right. Lingerie.
Let's, let's get off politics. I'll give you guys a breather here.
All right. But please guys, just stop fucking yelling at each other.
All right. It's just stop blaming everybody and just fucking be human beings here.
All right. Let's be honest with you.
Donald Trump and Hillary Clinton are not out for you or for me. They're out there for themselves, and that's why they're worth hundreds of billions of dollars.
Make no mistake, all right? Fucking show up in a radio station with your hot sauce for, what, just during the campaign? And where the fuck are you going to be the rest of the time? You're going to be in the White House, buying up fucking land on aquifers. All right.
Hey, Billy Nippleslip. I recently started dating this girl and we've been messing

around for a few months now. Congratulations.
She's pretty cool and a really sweet girl and

sex is great with her. All right.
Trifecta. However, she's been doing a lot of lingerie

shopping and wants me to go with her one day so we can shop for her lingerie together.

Personally, I never got the point of lingerie, nor am I a big fan of it. Really? You just like when they just show up with like your fucking old basketball shorts on? You're one of those guys? As long as there's a pussy underneath it, I don't give a fuck.
All right, personally, I never got the point. Okay, didn't see the point of buying something that was meant for you to take off almost immediately after you put it on all right sir this is the thing about all right so you're you're uh you're one of those no foreplay guys all right if you really want to take it to the next level dude like you ever you ever make a meal for somebody and you set it down and you turn your back to the stove to set the pan back down and when you look back they're already halfway done with it and you're like what the fuck did i do all that work for um i would let her buy that it makes her feel sexy right and then you know gets her all even into the you know the mood a little bit more telling you do you're striking me as somebody who never takes the downtown six, if you know what I mean.

He just fucking rips the clothes off,

puts her on her back, fucking rolls off.

Turns on the fucking TV.

All right, also, I'm not that great at faking my reaction

when her or her girls have broke out their sexy lingerie and I'm unenthused by it. You know what, dude? You're an asshole.
You really are an asshole. And that could be a good thing.
You're going to get what you want in life, but you're going to miss out on a lot in life. It's even got me in trouble a couple times.
The girls I've been dating for the most part have been pretty sexy, but when it comes to lingerie, I just think it makes things awkward. That is the most overused word on the planet.
It's the default emotion of this entire fucking world now. I don't even know what the word means anymore.
It's been applied to everything.

Everything's awkward. I don't know what that means.
Same goes for things like sexting, role-playing, vag and tit-picks, and anything else that's kind of puts you on the spot for things involving sex. Is it weird that that stuff does nothing for me? No, it isn't, but it shouldn't make the other person feel like an asshole.

Should I try to do my best?

You know what? I preempt, should for me no it isn't but it shouldn't make the other person feel like an asshole uh should i try to do

my best to you know what i i preempt i shouldn't have called you an asshole this early because now you're asking questions all right i apologize i'm wrong all right i should should i try my best to continue pretending that my wiener isn't shriveling up like a sock when you pull the strings out the strings out of it.

Oh, the lingerie.

Huge fan of the podcast.

I haven't if you haven't yet please come out i'm not gonna say where he's from just in case his fucking girlfriend recognizes this um you know dude you could just kind of go along with it a little bit like look i think like just saying you're not into sexting and in in role-playing and shit that's like next level shit if you're not into that that's fine okay um but lingerie i think is a simple thing you could put a happy face on i mean as much as guys think the lingerie is for them, and for the most part, the way women dress,

like guys, oh, look at her.

She's hot.

She wants it.

I mean, they're dressing for themselves.

They like to look pretty.

All right?

It makes them feel good.

So I think, hey, Nick, can you come in for a second?

She's giving me a look here.

Come here.

Oh, Jesus.

She literally walked by, stopped, and looked at me.

All right, so this guy, this guy is This guy is Oh my god it's 1036 I gotta get off my fucking day So this guy Could you look less enthused Yeah you shot me a look I thought that meant you wanted to come in I'm just listening but go on What is it What are you Henry Hill I'm. What is it? What do you want me to say? That my wife two times me? All right, so this guy, he's with this great girl.
She's fucking cool. She's sexy.
The sex is great, but she's into wearing sexy lingerie. It does nothing for him.
She wants to fucking, him to go along on it, and like, he thinks it's just stupid. So she puts it on, and she fucking pulls the strings, like, ba-da-da, boo, and he said, I'm supposed to sit there and act like my dick is not shriveling up like a sock.
What? What should I do? He doesn't think lingerie is sexy? He's just done it. He goes, I don't understand the point of just buying that and I'm just going to take it off like two seconds later.
Okay. It makes her feel good.
Just go along with it. It's not going to kill you.
That's my advice. Yeah.
Just go along with it. Now he said, what about like sexting, vag, and titty pics? He goes, I'm not into any of that or role playing.
You are so boring, whoever wrote this in. He's really just, it's like a job.
Fucking prude.ude and you're so boring like loosen up a little bit

send a dick pic to your girlfriend no that's a bad idea yeah i mean you probably should yeah you

never you don't you never send any of that shit because it exists forever yeah he'd be the one

person it would come back to haunt him somehow so maybe don't do that but just open your mind

a little bit it sounds like you're in a little sexual box and maybe you need to no pun intended

Thank you. It would come back to haunt him somehow.
So maybe don't do that. But just open your mind a little bit.
It sounds like you're in a little sexual box and maybe you need to. No pun intended.
No pun intended. You need to break out of this box.
But Nia, here's the thing. And explore something different.
Here's the thing on the dick pic, Nia. Okay.
People think, okay, I'm going to send a dick pic to you from my phone to your phone. Just think of the journey that thing takes.

My dick goes to outer space, goes off a satellite and comes back down.

God knows how much shit is between that and that.

I mean, how many miles did that thing just travel?

And to think that that's just going to go there. And then if you're on Twitter, they say, we want permission to have access to your photos.
And I never say yes. It's like, you can have access to this photo.
You know? Yeah. I mean- All of a sudden, somebody, you know, your avatar is your dick pic.
Somebody else's avatar is your dick pic. You have to send the dick pic, delete the dick pic, and then ask that person to delete the dick pic too.
No, you never send pics. Just don't send pics, period.
What you do is say, where are you? I'll show it to you live. Like in the old days.
In color. Yeah, like the old days.
No satellite dick pics. Yeah.
But yeah, in terms of this guy, I think he should just kind of open his mind a little bit. Like I said, he seems a little brutish.
And it's fine. You don't have to like to like lingerie and all that but i mean if your girl's into it and you like her and she likes lingerie like hey what's the problem you know just like i said it's not i don't see any problem with how do you not like lingerie i don't know that's what i'm saying it's boring as fuck i'm saying he wants to show up wearing his basketball shorts.
He's just like, just be naked.

That's what I was saying.

You know, I was comparing it to like, you know, when you cook somebody a meal and they eat it in two seconds.

You're just like, dude, what the fuck?

Like you do?

Huh?

But not in the bedroom.

Oh.

I do wolf down food.

You do.

Huh?

But that's not the only thing you wolfed out.

Ah, Jesus Christ.

Jesus Christ, Nia.

Why would you say that?

No.

That's disgusting.

You take your time.

A woman in your condition.

In my condition.

In your condition, speaking this way.

That's terrible.

What if other people were to hear it?

I know.

What would they think?

What would they think?

All right. That's the podcast here.
That's it? That's it. Oh.
Oh. No.
Well, you got me here now. Well, I got to go edit my special.
I got to see how my... Especial.
My especial, where I trash both Hillary and Trump. And still get shit for it.
Yeah, no. And then Trump...
You can't win. No, you can't win.

And that's why I don't tell people who to vote for.

But I mean, it is like, you know, it's going on.

So I'm going to fucking talk about it because it's fun.

It's fun to shit on them.

Yeah.

But like, I think this one, people are so upset that their person didn't get in that now they're looking to blame.

So evidently, the Monday Morning Podcast has the ability to sway a presidential election. Right.
Well, you know, you do have a platform, and you have to use it responsibly. I'm going to start using this platform.
I think it's time everybody buys me a new car. This will be good for America.
Yeah, it's completely ridiculous. People know who the fuck they're going to vote for.
Yeah. I think it just needs some time to, I don't know.
I don't know if anyone's ever going to be fully okay with what just happened. Well, Trump supporters are totally okay.
Yeah, they're great. They're totally okay.
They feel good right now, yeah.

But, oh well.

I'm glad she's fucking gone, but I'm not happy that he's here.

There was a lose-lose situation.

It's definitely depressing.

No matter how you slice it, it's fucking depressing.

But life goes on.

It has to.

Yeah, and you know something?

I don't think people should just fucking, like, it doesn't change who you're going to be as a person.

Yeah.

I think if any, you just do what people are saying. You stay here and you pay attention to what's going on and you support the causes that mean a lot to you and just put all your effort behind that.
I feel like that's the way to like really make change. Should you not move to Canada? No.
They don't want us. That was another funny thing, too, where they all acted like they were going to be so accepting.
Yeah, Canada doesn't fucking want us. I feel like it's really arrogant to just be like, oh, I'm just going to move to Canada.
Canada's like, oh, okay, do I have any say in this? Why do I become the place that you come to after your country made a horrible i know but these are these are some of the great artistic minds on the planet would be gracing their country with their songs and their stand-up comedy they should be happy right they should welcome them with open arms okay well you know the ones i like the celebrities were like today my heart is Tonight my heart cries But tomorrow I fight And they get the little fucking muscle thing there It's like, you probably go to your personal trainer first I would think Maybe have your personal chef make you I'm a little guilty of that I put on Twitter that I cried But I felt hopeful Because I did I've never cried after an election before And I did But I But I'm done crying. I'm over crying, and I'm ready to move forward.
There you go. Are you going to? What? I'm just picturing somebody crying with their fucking downtown to ocean views.
What's going to happen to me? Yeah. Isn't it like midterm elections or something come up in like a year and a half or something like that? And it's going to go the other way? Yeah, no, we'll see what happens in four years if he gets reelected or somebody else comes along.
I don't even know how, I don't even understand how the process works. I'm just going to keep throwing that out there because it annoys that fucking Clinton supporter.
Can Bernie run again in four years, do you think? No, Bernie cannot win because he's not owned by the same seven corporations that you need to be owned by. I'm just throwing seven out there.
What if he comes back and he runs in four years against Trump? I would say the media will, the left media will fucking take him out again. But can he win? Can he really win? That's what they did.
They fucked him over. They fucked him over and they left us with this polarizing person and then she fucking lost.
And now people are all going, what the fuck happened? And they're blaming podcasts. It's my fault, Neil.
It's my fault Trump got in. Also, it's also my fault.
What have you done this time? This fucking Trump supporter guy goes like, you're sitting there talking about the cost of the wall how can you be so ignorant about the cost of the wall he goes the mobs of people that show that must have been i it's so fucking dumb i actually think somebody a democratic supporter sent it in he said every time he said who's gonna pay for the wall the whole mob would yell mexico like how can you be so dumb that you didn't realize that? Now that I'm saying that again, I think that I think someone was trolling me there. I can't believe someone was that dumb.
Well, but Trump said that he was like, we're going to build a wall and Mexico is going to pay for it. I know.
Who would be dumb enough to think that you can make another country pay for your shit? We're going to build a wall to keep you out and you're going to pay for it. I was saying that would be like if you didn't like your next-door neighbor and you built a wall and you sent him a bill, and you'd be like, make a paper airplane and just throw it back over.
I have no idea how he plans on enforcing that. I guess we'll see.
You know what I do love is the first lady has fake tits. How do we know they're fake? I thought they were.
They were just too round. How would you possibly know that? I don't know that.
I don't know anything. I don't know anything.
I've said that for fucking years. Yeah, that's true.
He has put it out there that he doesn't know what he's talking about. The president has a trophy wife.
It's fucking hilarious. He's on his third one.
I mean, I don't care about that. Hey, if you fucking act up, don't even think you're going to be sitting here picking out plates during my second term, lady.
His wife doesn't even, I don't know, she doesn't even register for me. I mean, yeah, she's beautiful and all that, but I don't really care about that.
I like that she plagiarized Michelle Obama's speech,

which I think is really related to the millennials,

the way they curate shit that they didn't do

onto their Facebook pages and YouTube pages

and fucking make all this money off of stuff that they didn't really do.

Oh, you mean like sharing of memes and things?

Sharing of stand-up specials and music and videos,

shit that they didn't do and they just take it. I thought that was very millennial of her.
Oh, Grandpa. Is that what the young people do? Yeah, that is what they do.
Oh, I fucking hate how you just exonerated all of them from stealing all that shit. Those specials cost me a bunch of fucking money and everybody just takes them.
I don't think anyone should steal your special or download it illegally. Of course I don't believe that they should do that.
Nia, you have to understand that you have a platform on this podcast. Right.
And all of those people that were already doing it anyways, there's now a bunch of others that are now going to do it because you said it was okay. Hey, you know what's weird is the windscreen is red.
Maybe I am a Trump supporter.

Oh, maybe so.

Maybe that was a subconscious decision on your part.

I like the orange one, but Cleo ate it.

It reminded me of fucking ABC's Wild World of Sports with Jim McKay.

Who knew you were an elephant?

You seem like a jackass to me.

Nothing?

Oh, I didn't get it.

Oh, I didn't get it.

Those are the animals, right? Oh, Jesus. Democrats are really donkeys.
Yeah. Why would they pick that? I don't know.
There's a reason behind it. We just haven't Wikipedia yet.
It Googled it. Whatever.
Well, I'm sure someone will tell me why. Preempting it.
Hey, you fucking moron. All right.
That's the podcast. I'm sorry for Donald Trump trump um next time i will try to uh i haven't made up my mind who i want to be president yet uh the next time i think i'm already over trump and i'll figure it out yeah i hope so so this doesn't happen again you fucking election rigger you election rigger you alright that's it I gotta I gotta fucking

upload yeah i hope so so this doesn't happen again you fucking election rigger you all right that's it i gotta i gotta fucking upload this shit i gotta go edit my goddamn special this is gonna be the worst fucking thing ever all right go fuck yourselves i'll talk to you on thursday what's up everybody welcome back to the anything better podcast nfl edition for week number holy shit, guys. Week 11, dude.
I'm Paul Verzi over here. That's Bill Burr over there.
We got Jake. What do you say there? What do you say there? We got Jake the Snake.
We got Andrew Thimless. And we have another.
This. Actually, I don't really.
I don't really. I glanced at these.
I didn't look, but I saw a couple and I go, don't like that. You can't miss.
You're fucking unconscious. For those not paying attention, Paul Verzi went four and oh.
Still early. This is, this is how much Paul Verzi's crushing it.
He's humble. He has crushed it for so many weeks in a row.
He's out of shit to talk. Speaking of crushed it, congratulations on Saturday night live.
Cause you, my friend crushed it. Oh, I had a great time.
I had a great time. Dude, that cast is ridiculous.
Yeah. Cast is fucking ridiculous.
They are so funny and everybody's in their own lane. So there's this room for everybody.
Like you could have seen some of the shit that we didn't even do. There was a sketch we didn't get to this one.
We were going to do with Heidi Gardner about river whitewater rafting. She's just she's she's so funny.
But the one that got me, the one that got me, dude. And I don't really laugh that i grew up on saturnite live and there takes a couple to get me like i gotta you gotta get me because of all the brilliance i've seen dude the shit where you were a fireman and you were looking at mike wazowski's ass and then and then you go all right all right you go all right dude come on come on i got this one i got this one and she goes what is it you go i don't bluey's dad with the ball gag in his mouth, dude.
I, that was so, come on. I got this one.
I got this one. She goes, what is it? You go, I don't.
Bluey's dad with a ball gag in his mouth. Dude, I that was so it was so ridiculous and fuck.
And she goes, that's getting snuck up all week. I was looking at that one going like, I don't know.
Oh, I don't know. She goes, that's what you got from that.
And it was like a butterfly. I think that's what it was was because I couldn't see what they were cutting back and forth to.

So when they opened with that one, I was like, oh, all right, I guess I'm seeing that one wrong.

And then we did it in front of the crowd and it murdered.

Oh, dude, when the one kid goes, I don't know, it's just the other fireman.

He goes, I don't know, just like a blur, a blob.

And she goes, what about you?

And you go, Mike Wazowski holding his ass. Yeah, he's holding his little green ass there.
That's great. All right, guys.
I like the bald guys. The bald guys was fun.
Just singing and acting like an idiot was fun. The whole thing was fun.
Yeah, that's awesome, man. Well, congratulations, buddy.
You crushed. Okay, before we get into the show, we have to shout out our BetMGM sponsor, guys.
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Yeah. If I'm watching it just at home, I'm just taking your picks, dude.
Well, look, some guys. Paul, there's being hot.
And then there's Paul Verzi. And I can't even October anymore.
October and November. Dude, you went 3-1, 3-1, 3-1, 3-1, 3-1, 4-0.
No, it was 3-1, 3-1, 2-2, 3-1, 3-1, 4-0. But I was eight back, and now I'm six up.
So one of our fans goes, Verzi, you're putting my kid through school. I said, hey, go easy, okay? Dude, are the Cincinnati Bengals coming back? Is Joe Burrow coming back? Paul, I haven't seen a second of football.
I saw the Dolphins game. I haven't watched any.
I was overseas, and then I was doing the show last week,

so I don't know what's going on.

I know Kansas City's still undefeated,

and I feel like they should have lost that game,

and the fact that they didn't, they figured out a way to win it.

They got a shot.

But, dude, they got to put, like, fuck the 72 Dolphins.

I mean, 17-0 was the perfect season back then. 17-0 gets you out of the regular season.
See, tell me the Chiefs have to go 20-0. Wait, so what was regular season back then? 14? It was 14 games.
Oh, okay. It was 14 games.
And then when we went, we went 18-0. We won one more game than them but lost to you guys and then for some reason they're still considered a better team yeah no like you know a bunch of white guys on defense like give me a fucking break with this no i was in toronto i was in toronto watching and the buccaneers had them the buccaneers had the chiefs and then i looked and i go.
There's two minutes, a minute 40. I go.
This is going to overtime or the Chiefs are going to figure it out. And they did.
But real quick, I got one for you. Best meal you had in Paris this time.
Oh, that's a that's a tough one. I had the best Italian dish of my life in Paris.
I actually, this is another thing too.

There was right next to our apartment.

Don't you see, sorry, these moments here was this, this oyster place was right next to our apartment.

And we walked by.

My wife is just like, the way she moves through like life.

She like, she's like, like vibes.

So she just saw the place and like, I'm looking out, it's an oyster place. She's looking at it going like that's lunchtime and it's mobbed in here.
So she walked in and then goes, Hey, what's the stories place? They're like, you need a reservation. She goes, even during lunch.
And they were like, yeah, she's like, all right, that spots the spot. And we went there, dude.
And it, it didn't even make sense. It didn't even make sense.
And I'll tell you something else, which is why I'm so depressed about this fucking election, is both of these idiots ran, and neither one of them brought up our fucking food supply. Dude, I wasn't over there.
I had a potato that was an afterthought. We were eating the fish eggs.
I always forget if that's escargot or caviar. Caviar.
I'm an idiot, dude. I thought escargot and caviar was the same thing.
So something's like, yes. Wait, escargot was snails, right? Snails.
I didn't know that. Dude, it's like eating a fucking butter and garlic gasket.
It's like they took a fucking washer. Dude, it's a slug without the shell.
It's gross. Yeah.
It's unreal. So, yeah, dude, they seasoned the shit out of that thing.
They add heat to it. Everything trying to make you feel like you're not eating a fucking piece of gum off a sidewalk.
So we were eating this, uh, S car go, right. Oh, Billy fancy pants in Paris eating S car go.
I mean, who am I Paul? Who am I? I'm telling shit jokes over here. What do I know? So as part of the thing, you know, sort of like a plate filler because the eggs are so small.
They just had this little round. It was like this big, like the size, not even the size of a golf ball.
And they had a little, little seasoning on top of it. Dude, it was so good.
I was upset. I'm like, this is what a fucking potato is supposed to taste like.
Oh, dude. This country, dude, I'm telling you, it like if if if we could just turn around the food supply can we just do that dude can we just can we just do that now that like tv celebrities are going to be running dude this guy gets elected and i'm seeing fucking the guy from the apprentice dr phil and the tesla guy i I'm just waiting for Eric Estrada to show up in his chips outfit.
I'm going to be running the economy. Dude, Stacey and I went to a Michelin star French restaurant by our house.
And I don't know if you like anchovies, but I'm a sucker for anchovies, dude. Dude, they came, these anchovies from Spain came this long on bread with a little butter thing on them.
Dude, I bite it and I just fucking sat back and I just pointed to it. That's why I love Italians, what you guys can communicate with no words.
I still remember. I got to recreate this.
I don't have a cigar. Just imagine I have a cigar in my mouth.
And I was, we were going to some college football game. This fucking piece.
This fucking apple. Can you give me an extension cord that makes it to the fucking wall in my desk? You fucking greedy cunts.
Dude, you were sitting there and I was describing about how much you know, smoking a cigar, blah, blah, blah. Dude, all that.
I was trying to like explain how great it was as an Irish guy. And you were sitting there, you had it in your mouth, get ready to light it.
And as you listen to it, you just go. And I just see what that meant like over.
It's over. And you had this fucking hat on.
And I was just like, uh, everything I was trying to say, you just did with, with the, you remember that we were in Tampa and I just started laughing. I, yeah, you said it and I just went like this and you, there you go.
Um, all right, Bill, well, you have the honors this week, my friend, you are up first. Um, by the way, dude, can I tell you something? I hate Michelin star restaurants.
Yeah. It's the process.
Yeah. To fucking get in there.
Oh, my God. To get a fucking table.
And then you get in there. And then the waiter has to come over and tell you every fucking ingredient.
And you're just sitting there like, dude, I came here because I was hungry. Not because i wanted to listen to a speech yeah okay this is our fucking salmon the salmon come from the douchey river there's a crusty fucking bread that for three days we did this with it i don't give a fuck what you i'm not listening to any of this yeah yeah i'm smelling this i want to eat it shut up i go yeah my buddy goes dude he goes i went to the greatest restaurant on the planet in Copenhagen.
He goes, it was 27 courses. And I go, yeah, it was one of them, a rock with moss on it and a little thing.
And he goes, yeah. I did one of those one time in Norway.
It looked like we were in like somebody's fucking house. I started drinking that night.
I was a year off and I was just so fucking just sitting there. Like I can't do it.

It's like death by a thousand little cuts.

They just kept bringing these things. And, and, and, um, I remember it was something weird, like just how they view cheese.
Like it was towards the end. And like the cheese was like the dessert, meat and cheese.
And then dude, it was just like fucking, it was the, the, the rankest. Oh, Oh dude.
It was, it was like, this is, uh, it was the rankest. Oh.
Oh, dude. It was like, this is awful.
All right. Let me pick something.
I'm going to go with the Seahawks. Oh, Billy loves Seahawks.
No, I just like a division rivalry game. I feel like they're playing great.
I like their quarterback. I just like that he got a shot finally.
And he's getting points.

I like the points.

Six and a half.

Six and a half.

Division rivalry.

The 49ers.

I don't know if they're banged up or whatever,

but I felt like the Buccaneers played with them last week.

Dude, does anybody get held more than Bosa in the fucking league?

No.

Every time I watch the game, he's got both his hands up,

and some guy's got his hands full of his fucking shirt.

Nobody's doing anything. That guy gets – dude, the Super Bowl was a ridiculous example of that.
All right. That guy was inside his jersey.
All right. Bill's got Seattle.
I don't know. I'll be honest with you.
I really hate this fucking week. I'm going to go.
Four and oh. That's what you're going to do.
You're going to go three and1. Oh, we got to get Jake the Snake in here.
Jake the Snake, what do we got injury-wise? And Bill could take that back if there's, God forbid, something with Seattle. What do we got? Jake the Snake, by the way, just got back from a wonderful weekend at the Playboy Club.
They just reopened it in Chicago because they realized there's men like him in the world again absolutely right um um um well trevor lawrence is gonna be out again um they announced that yesterday so i mean detroit's already the biggest favorite on the board so i don't know if that's like something you were picking anyway and then i saw the darnold is questionable with the hand injury it kind of explains why he was so bad last week. And then, um,

and the bills had a couple of injuries at receiver, uh, with Amari Cooper.

So those are kind of the big ones, um, that caught my eye. Um,

hopefully nothing else changes.

Is there a reason the bills,

is there a reason the bills are favored over the chiefs?

I wondered me and my friends were wondering the same thing when we saw it.

It was money on both sides of the line. So always remember that.

Thank you. the Chiefs? I wondered, me and my friends were wondering the same thing when we saw it.
Vegas has to get money on both sides of the line, so always remember that. I mean, how can you not take the Chiefs in that spot? How are they underdogs? The Bills are coming off a bye week at home? Is that what's going on? No, the Bills played in Indianapolis last week.
It's nothing crazy, but yeah, no bye weeks for either of them.

Seahawks are coming off a bye, though.

I'm going to do something.

I'm going to take tonight's game,

and I'm going to take the Washington Commanders getting three and a half.

I like the half a point, and I like this kid, Jaden Daniels, is starting to really – they're starting to click.

There's no injuries with Washington, so I'm going to take the Commanders with the half a point. I think the half a point is going to save me.
I love that pick. I feel like they're playing their best football they've played in decades.
People are actually excited. I'll be honest with you, dude.
I like the name the Commanders. Yeah, it's growing on me too.
I do too. Yeah, it's a night commanding the thing.
You're running shit.

I like it. It's a lot better than the, what are the Cleveland Indians now?

The Guardians?

The Guardians.

Oof.

Trash.

That sounds like a romantic comedy.

Oof, yeah.

Like what's-his-face is carrying Whitney Houston out of a fucking building.

Whatever the hell happened.

All right.

I'm going to, I don't know what I'm taking, Paul. I don't know who's shot.
I don't know who's not. What's the worst team names in history? Hey, go to the WNBA for that.
I'm just kidding. Dude, I love the WNBA, and these fucking broads are still not showing up.
As much as they keep trying to ram it down our throats, it's going to take men. It's going to take men going to.
Paul, they're going to get better at the game. They just are.
I'm talking about names. I don't like names like the sky or like, I don't know.
All right, Paul, I got one for you. I got one.
You're starting a new league. Yeah.
All the ferocious animal names are already taken. All the disturbing weather is gone.
Hurricanes. Fucking Oklahoma.
What is it? Oklahoma. Thunder.
You got thunder, lightning, hurricane. The monsoons.
What are you going with? I got one. The meteors.
And it's just like rocks rushing. You're going out of space.
I like that. Nobody's gone out of space.
The Rochester rogue wave. We come out.
You think it's calm, man. We come out of nowhere.
In the side of the head. Aftershock.
Earthquake. The worst name is the Pelicans.
That's got to be the worst name in sports, who's, who's afraid of a Pelican? I like Pelicans because it sounds like a minor league baseball team. It's a terrible name.
Oh, the Pelicans is a minor league baseball team in South Carolina. That's what I think about you.
A hundred percent, right. Do you know what their logo should be? But their logo, they should somehow make that Pelican jowl like somebody's ball bag like you're standing over the pelican to try to do something to make it intimidating we're gonna fucking nutsack you whatever they call that dip my balls on you um oh andrew all right all right well we did that for a while and i should have fucking been looking at this.
I am. Sorry, it was my fault.
No, it's all right, Paul. You know, Paul, the way you're playing right now, you're like LT.
You could go to sleep under the table during this whole fucking day. What are we going to do? You're going to diagram the four fucking winners.
Oh, Jesus Christ. What am I going to do here? I don't know, Paul.
How do you not take the Chiefs getting points? I did that in the Super Bowl. I'm just going to take the Chiefs.
I'm going to take the Chiefs, and I'm going to root for the Bills. So I'll take the Chiefs, get in two and a half.
And that's going to be a fun game to watch because if they cover, if the Bills hand them their first, like this is probably like the best thing if you're a Chiefs fan, the best thing that could happen right now is you lose to the fucking Bills because that means you're going to beat them in January. But like, I don't know, this just seems like how it works.
So I'm going to take the Chiefs, get two and a half. Paul, I'm a housewife this year.
I'm folding laundry. I'm just, I don't know what I'm doing here.
Oh, you know, the Chiefs are going to go in there, piss their dogs.

I love that pick.

All right.

All right, you motherfucker.

Jake, what did you, Jake, what, the Ravens won?

Yeah, they beat the Bengals on Thursday.

They didn't cover those pricks.

I know.

Brutal.

I could have gone three- one fall. I could have been

in your fucking stratosphere, but instead

still on the ground, two and two.

I'm going to try something I haven't tried

in a while. I'm going to take the Steelers two weeks in a

row getting three. I'm going to take

the Steelers at home getting

three against the Ravens.

I like that too.

The Steelers are starting to click a little

bit. They gave me a win last week.
I'll take them getting three. Oh, Paulie, dogs this week.
I'm taking dogs. This is not the Paul that I grew up with.
No, it's not. Paul's first pick this week, old school Paul 10 years ago, would take the Lions laying 14.
It's going to be a bloodbath. It's going to be a bloodbath.
That is so true. I would call Bill and go, Bill,

they're supposed to win. They're the better team.
They're a favorite for a reason. They were at home.
They were at home. And then they would be covering through three and take their starters out.
Then that's when my phone would start lighting up. Dude, they won the game and then they just fucking gave it back.
No, remember you would get the text thread and then all of a sudden And the last one would say sick.

I'm sick.

Oh, Mike, no.

I was out to breakfast with... game and then they just fucking gave it back.
No, remember you would get the text thread and then all of a sudden the last one would say, sick.

I'm sick.

No, I was out to breakfast with

my wife at that Eagles-Giants game

when they kept kicking it to that dude who kept running it

back. Oh my God.

I missed all your text

messages and it started in small

print and by the end it was all capitals

and it was just like one word.

The fuck are they doing? Are they serious? Fuck. I was just I was crying laughing.
It's like I binge I binge watch that game through your text messages. All right.
I like the Falcons get two and a half against the Broncos going in there. Who the fuck do the Broncos think they are? Do they think they're good all of a sudden? Is their guy still playing there, Kirk Cousins? You like that.
You like that. Is he playing? Yeah.
Yep. Yeah.
I think he's going to go in there and fucking knock the dirty sandals off those Colorado people. Falcons.
Falcons. This is how I know I suck at this.
When I do my picks, it's always quiet. No, I was looking at it.
Oh, Paul, I like what you did there. No, no, I was looking at the thing.
I never go against Kirk Cousins, man, in a tight game. Oh, the Jaguars are bad.
Oh, the Jaguars are bad. Jaguars had a rough one this year, okay? is starting too.
What about the Cowboys being done? They're terrible. They need to stop looking at their players.
They got to get rid of their owner. Sorry, dropping my thing in.
They need to have a hostile takeover. It's got to be a dude.
You have to stop meddling. You have to, like, he's like, like George Steinbrenner.
Like, I'm so fucking stupid. Why are you talking? Why are you talking to the media? You lost.
Let me get, you're upset. I always hated that.
The boss is going to issue a statement today at 417. Let me guess, you're not happy that they're losing? Yeah.
Well, you get this guy fucking winning. This big dumb head.
Mike and the mad dog would always go, we got a missive from George M. Steinbrenner.
And then they would start playing music and read it. He was fun, though.
Yeah. He was definitely fun.
Rest his big fucking head. Rest his soul.
All right, dude. How did you feel about the sun blinding those players' eyes at the Cowboys Stadium? You know what my favorite thing was? Was that the game Troy Aikman was doing where he was making fun of him, or was that the – I don't think so.
I think that was the Dolphins game where the guy was like – Dolphins played the Rams last week? Yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah.
One guy, like he just like it went right through his hands, and he started pointing to his eyes. And just Troy being a quarterback, he goes, all right, it's his son.
He goes, all right, well, next week they're playing indoors. So, you know, I don't want to see anybody doing that.
I'm going to take the New Orleans Saints. It's a pick-em.
Might as well be a pick-em. That what i always say one point at home can you beat the cleveland browns by one at home we're gonna find out that's my pick i like how none of us answered you and then you answered it yourself can they beat the cleveland browns at We're going to find out when we come back.

Did you take the Bengals?

I did not.

I'm going to take the Bengals, Paul, because I have nothing better to do.

That'll be a good game.

Oh.

Jake is going to be televised in my area.

Yeah.

I keep forgetting they're not down in San Diego.

Yeah, they'll be on Sunday night now.

Okay.

Thank you. area yeah i keep forgetting they're not down in san diego yeah they'll be on sunday night now um okay got moved um what's it called dak prescott is out yeah season's over uh he just had season ending surgery what happened to him something with his hamstring uh some sort of torn hamstring.
Yeah.

Feel bad for the guy,

but he hasn't worn out his hip yet doing that shit before the game.

The Dolphins minus eight or the Texans minus seven and a half.

Oh,

Paul is going to take a favorite.

I got to take a favorite.

I'm going to take the Texans Monday night football against a bad, no, you know, no starting quarterback. The Cowboys are in complete disarray and the Texans are just such a great team.
They should win that game by 10 or 14. I'm going to take Texas.
What about that? This is the battle for Texas, Paul, the pride. I mean, then that's, then it's more in favor of Houston.
Yeah. I don't know.
Cowboys and pride. Not seeing a lot of that.
Oh, wow. I got to walk that comment.
Like what has happened to them franchise? Oh, dude, Jerry Jones. Did you see him with his shirt? I never thought I'd see Jerry Jones that heavy.
He's all heavy now, yelling, going on radio stations. It's not going to be pretty, man.
This is not going to be a good ending. This is not going to be a good ending.
Dude, he's like a psycho chick who's just blaming you for everything in the relationship. It's like, Jerry, it's you.
It's you. He's got an elevator.
When you were winning championships, he had – what's his face?

Jimmy Johnson.

Jimmy Johnson, right?

You chased him out of town.

And he was so fucking good, Barry won with his team two years later.

And they haven't snipped it since. And then after that, he just got yes-men, yes-men, yes-men, yes-men,

other than Bill Parcells.

Yeah.

Brett Ernst, buddy of ours, he's a big Cowboy fan.

He's disgusted.

Because we suck.

We suck.

We stay.

You know, and you know when your team's on.

Dude, I saw them in the 70s, dude.

With those fucking, when the cheerleaders made it, it was unreal.

Roger Staubach, Harry Muffs, no bras.

I mean, it was fucking amazing, Paul.

There's Texans. Yeah, I don't know where they are amazing Paul I don't know where they are now I don't know where they are Bill I'll tell you what your Patriots are starting to turn a page I think I love you Paul what you just always combine it's turn the corner or get on the same page your Patriots man starting, man.
They're starting to turn. No, I think, isn't that great? You know who else does that? Maureen.
Yeah. She told me the other night, she goes, I would never steer you down the wrong street.
I'm like, no, it's I would never steer you wrong. I don't know what this street shit is.
No, it's me with that and you with names. Oh, I can't remember names to save my life.
But, Paul, you're like Miles Davis with fusion, except you do it with safe expressions. Dude, how about Yogi Berra? It's getting early late.
No, it's getting late early. That's a great one, dude.
Like he had those yogi-isms. Yeah.
He must have done that on purpose. You can't get that luck because they were amazing.
Dude, it's getting, what is it? It's getting early. It's getting late early.
What was it? I can't even get that right. Wait.
Yeah, it's getting late. They probably turned the clocks back or something.
No, it would be in a game where like the game is going by fast and he'd go, oh man, it's getting late early or something. Yeah, they don't make guys like that anymore.
Oh no, Yogi was great. Everybody's on the internet looking at the same 10 fucking videos.
Everybody has the same accent. Dude, if I go on Instagram one more time and click on a video, how many fucking times can you use? They're just like, dude, they're like robots.
Remember 10 years ago on YouTube? Let the bodies hit the floor. Every fucking video.
It's like, can you pick a different fucking song? Oh, Andrew got it right here. Yeah.
It gets late early out there. Yogi said it gets late early out there.

And you just, it's like, it's so it's like, oh, it's the seventh inning already is what that means.

It's amazing.

But it's like, there's something about it.

It's like fun to listen to.

Oh yeah.

It ain't over till it's over.

But I mean, that like totally makes sense.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Bill, you got one more, right?

Or no?

Please tell me I don't have to do this again. Do I have one more? No.
Oh no. No.
Okay. You're done.
No, no. I have, I have, I've been done since week three of this season.
Dude, you're like two weeks. You're two weeks away from being back.
Dude. I was down.
I can't get my head above water. I'm going down the last time.

You know, the lifeguard,

you know, the lifeguard

sits up for a little,

like, is that guy fucking around?

Is he serious?

That's where I am right now.

No, Andrew, I have,

I'm not, Andrew, Bill went first.

I have the Commanders, the Saints,

the Steelers, and the Texans.

Says four.

What do you have, Bill?

Bill's got the Seahawks.

I got the Bengals, the Chiefs, the seahawks i got the bengals the chiefs the seahawks so you might have one more oh christ i know he's got the falcons i got the falcons yes i got the dirty birds i got two dirty birds i'm going with the birds this week paul all right birds love it all right there we go all right we got our picks. And now it's time for the Monday night show.
That's the Monday night's best show. Oh, there it is.
With some money for you. Come on, Paul.
We need a slump buster here. It's the Texans and the Cowboys at Jerry's World, which is another show.
And the narrative is the Cowboys season is over.

Everybody's saying this, Paul.

Every fat, man-titted fucking cunt out there who's sitting there with a beer in one hand and fucking free porn in the other is all saying this, Paul. Are we going to go with the ignorant masses who the last three elections picked the host of the apprentice,

a warmonger with dementia, and back to the apprentice guy. I was joking in my act.
We're picking presidents the way the Browns pick quarterbacks. And then after a while, it's like,

wait, is it the quarterbacks or is it the Browns? Under over this week is 42. What do you think? I think it's an under.
You love the under. Yeah, I just – these are two fucking boring-ass teams.
The Cowboys aren't an NFL team, Paul. Yeah, that's true.
They're just hanging on to fucking Houston so that squinty creature doesn't take it over. He already bought one of the arenas.
Squinty creature. Who's a squinty creature? Texans.
All right, let's do... You want to do Texans and the under? I like Houston.
That's my favorite guitar store in America. Southpaw Gars, all lefties.
Underrated Comedy Town. Underrated.
They're amazing out there. Great people.
Underrated, Paul. That place was a mecca when I came up.
Really? Bill Hicks, Sam Kinison. Oh, yeah.
Oh, I thought they were Austin. No.
How dare you? How dare I? Rest their soul. How dare you ron shock you know who ron shock was eddie bananas i mean they had some killers out there dude ron shock would do a story ron shock came up with bill hicks and dude ron shock they said was the greatest american storyteller and i worked with him in vegas at brad garratt's club and somebody goes

i think this kid from philadelphia pad house comic funny kid he goes watch run watch ron shock it's like a magic trick you're not gonna believe it dude i swear to god i'm not even joking it was like fitting we were in vegas because it was like an illusion i went out and i watched this man tell a story a comedy story and it felt like i was in there for 10 minutes and 40 minutes went by it was fucking incredible.

It was incredible, man. Oh, dude, it was

amazing. You can tell the story better than Ron white.
Uh, dude, it was, yeah, I hate, yes. I gotta see that.
Ron. I saw this, this comic, this English comic from way back in the day.
Yeah. And he came out on this variety show to sing a song.
And he was talking about how he was singing live. And he did this shit backstage and he was clearly singing to a tape.
But it was really him singing. So the tape starts like slow.
He was doing it all with his voice. He was like, and then he would go, he would like go like, he could do this thing with his voice and then move really fast, and then start singing normally, and then he was looking off stage like he was pissed, it was fucking brilliant dude, it's like one of those things, that I feel like, got lost over the years in stand up, where it's like, the bit, it's like a concept, that this guy came up.
Like and then be able to do all of that with your voice. I was fucking dying when I was I thought I posted it in my stories there on the Instagram.
Yeah, it's like the what's the guy's name from Police Academy with the voices, Michael Winslow. But dude, did you see the British kid who goes, all right, guys.
He goes, I'm going to give you guys a soccer goal, a header in slow motion. That's amazing.
And, dude, he's doing it. Dude, it was like I thought it was in slow motion for a second.
It's amazing. I think I said that.
You see that other English comic where he goes, you know, fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, shame on me.

Fool me again, the shame's back on you.

Like, why would you keep doing that to me?

And he just gets it up to like six.

By number six, he's like, the shame's on you because you don't realize this is just a game.

And I'm playing gullible.

And now you're super confident.

So he goes, Jamie, set him time. Now the shame's back on me because you figured out my game.
It was ridiculous. Oh, dude, he did it like psychological.
That is so great. He got like a five minute bit out of it.
I was just watching. How the fuck do you come up with this shit? All right, let's do this, Paul, because I got to get to work.
All right, so we're going to do, we're going to do, we're going to take the Texans. Got to win by eight.
Laying eight. Laying down like a whore, Paul.
All right. Seven and a half.
Under four – Sidewalk mattress, Paul. We need one more, Bill.
We need one more. Jake likes sidewalk mattress.
Do Stroud to throw one. Yeah.
There we go. CJ Stroud to throw one.
Texans minus seven and a half under 42. Bingo.
Oh, great. Jake's like a mob lawyer.
Except he doesn't whisper in the ear. He just says it.
But that's, you know, he keeps this on the straight and narrow. Yeah.
He's like Kevin Pollak in Casino. Yeah.
All right. Paul, once you fucking beat the book again, I want you dress like ray leota including the wig shave your beard i don't want you to get i beat the book again and then you take your pills and be like all right now take me to the casino let it ride baby at what point is i mean if i do do it again does bet mgm let me in there making the lines with these guys um well you're having a you're you're having a career like you like you're gonna end up owning a team you're gonna end up owning like the tangiers like be a part owner uh yeah i hope they don't blow up my car okay yeah i can still pick them i got the glasses all right guys that right, guys, that's it.
You guys know, download the bed MGM app guys, put at least $10 in there and you will get up to 1500 and bonus bets. If the bet loses.
Also, we have the first touchdown, pick any player to get the first touchdown of any NFL game. If they don't, but in fact, at the second touchdown, you'll still get your stack of cash back and bet responsibly, guys.

Enjoy it. Have fun this week.
We will see you after week 11.

And oh, check me out. I'll be in Providence, Rhode Island this this weekend.

There you go. There you go.
All right, guys. Thank you so much.

We'll talk to you next week. All right.

All right. See you next week.
Alright. Alright.
Thank you.