Monday Morning Podcast 11-11-24

Speaker 1 Give it up for Chicago.

Speaker 3 Sebastian Maniscalco's new stand-up special, It Ain't Right, is coming to Hulu on November 21st.

Speaker 1 30 years ago, Jeff Bezos, complete nerd. Bezos now ripped to shreds on his super yacht, and the boxes keep coming.

Speaker 3 Sebastian Maniscalco, It Ain't Right, premieres November 21st, streaming on Hulu and Hulu on Disney Plus for bundle subscribers. Terms apply.

Speaker 4 Hey, what's going on? It's Bill Burr and it's time for the Monday morning podcast for Monday,

Speaker 4 November 11th, 2024.

Speaker 1 What's going on? I won't.

Speaker 4 Ah, geez.

Speaker 4 Ah, geez, Louise. I'm back in LA.
Oh, Billy,

Speaker 4 who can turn the world on with his ass.

Speaker 4 Sorry,

Speaker 4 I am like

Speaker 4 I am a little loopy.

Speaker 4 Big week last week,

Speaker 4 worked a bunch. My head's still spinning from that amazing experience.
And I'm now back out here in LA. I turned into a pumpkin.
All right. Would you host SNL?

Speaker 4 Guess what? Life doesn't care. This is my day.
So my wife had a huge

Speaker 4 like thing she's got to go do. So I'm Mr.
Mom.

Speaker 4 And

Speaker 4 today, all right, what did I deal with?

Speaker 4 Bathtub water would not stop.

Speaker 4 I couldn't shut it off.

Speaker 4 Clogged toilet.

Speaker 4 My son puked.

Speaker 4 And what else? I can't figure out how to shut my fucking wife's car off. She's got this stupid fucking electric car, right?

Speaker 4 And when you walk up to it with the keys on, like, I swear to God, it plays this sustained chord, like, oh,

Speaker 4 it just keeps going. And it's as annoying as just listening to me trying to hold a fucking note.

Speaker 4 It does that. It's like a choir.

Speaker 1 Like,

Speaker 1 like, what the fuck?

Speaker 1 Why?

Speaker 4 I just spent 20 minutes on the internet figuring out how to go into the settings to fucking shut that off. So, anyway, I fucking dealing with this stupid fucking goddamn

Speaker 1 over fucking

Speaker 4 design car. Like, there's no need for any of this shit.

Speaker 4 None of it. It is just, it weighs a million fucking pounds and it has all of this fucking bells and whistles on it that you don't even need.
You don't fucking need any of it. We were good in the 90s.

Speaker 4 All it is, is they're just coming up with new technology to get these fucking morons who stand outside stores because they're excited the next smartphone came out, right?

Speaker 4 You know, it'd be great if nobody bought the next smartphone and we just said, this is it, we're done with this one. We're done with this one.
And then we were like Cuba.

Speaker 4 We just stayed with the fucking cars we had. We just kept fixing them up.
And we're like, fuck you, we're not getting any more of these.

Speaker 4 And then we stayed with cash. Like, fuck you.
We're not going into this whole thing where if I want to buy a pack of gum at 7-Eleven, you have to scan my face.

Speaker 4 It would be great if we just stopped there, but I don't see us. I don't see it happening.

Speaker 4 I don't see a world where we can get on the same page because anybody who says shit like that is deemed a conspiracy theorist, a fucking tinfoil-hatted person, or whatever.

Speaker 4 But I think we're going to be all right, though. I think we'll be fine because the guy that starred in The Apprentice is president again, and he is currently talking to Dr.

Speaker 1 Phil

Speaker 4 about national security.

Speaker 1 Please tell me.

Speaker 4 Please tell me that video isn't real. Please tell me

Speaker 4 that

Speaker 4 two fucking TV stars are not running this country right now. Please tell me that that's that's

Speaker 4 that would be like back in the day if one of the hosts from That's Incredible was talking to fucking Mike Douglas about the Cuban miss missile, whatever the fuck was going on the Iran hostages The hostages in Iran.

Speaker 4 It was like,

Speaker 4 oh my God, stay in your own fucking lane.

Speaker 4 Yeah, it's unreal. The last three presidential elections.
Is it just me?

Speaker 4 Is it just me or the last three presidential elections? I feel like this country was like the Cleveland Browns trying to pick a quarterback.

Speaker 4 And how about the Democratic Party? This is the third election in a row where you didn't get to decide who you were going to have run.

Speaker 4 you know you you chose bernie sanders in 2016 and 2020 and they were like no fuck you fuck you you're not getting anybody that's going after the corporations and the banks you're getting a career politician here is hillary clinton here is uh that weekend at bernies guy that we just had for the last fucking four years and then they wheeled him around for three and a half years and at the last second they're like all right you're the vice president that's that's your fucking choice um who not for nothing you know

Speaker 4 Standing on the outside, the guy always likes the fringe candidate, just saying that, like, she mopped the floor with him in the debates, and he was such a pussy he wouldn't go back, but that doesn't count.

Speaker 4 Doesn't count. None of substance does not count.
That's why I'm talking, you know, I was talking about the pantsuit in my fucking monologue.

Speaker 4 Just do what you got to do to get that free drink, and then have respect for yourself.

Speaker 4 Speaking of which, I want to thank everybody.

Speaker 4 Obviously, Lauren Michaels, everybody over there.

Speaker 4 i had such a i could not have had a better time and the cast was amazing just they have so many friggin' ridiculous everybody over there was a beast

Speaker 4 everyone i did a sketch with and what i loved was they were also all in their own lane so there was no overlap and there was plenty of room for everybody and um

Speaker 4 I don't even know how many sketches I did, but each one of them was easier than the next because of the people I was doing the sketches with. So So thank you to them.

Speaker 4 Thank you to the writers, the whole thing. And shout out to the musical guests, McGee, spelt M-K-Space G-E-E.

Speaker 4 I was blown away by them,

Speaker 4 how cool they were, how great their music was, and then their work ethic. Like the first day they did sound check, I was like, oh, you guys are on the road.
When's your next gig?

Speaker 4 And they're like, tonight, we're driving to Philly right now. So I was like, all right, well, there you go.

Speaker 4 That's why they're as good as they are.

Speaker 4 That's how it's done. I know a lot of people don't do it that way anymore, but that's how it was done when I was coming up.
Comedians, musicians, everybody, you just road dog

Speaker 4 every fucking night,

Speaker 4 and that's how you got better at what you did. So, they were amazing.
And

Speaker 4 then the lovely Nia came out. The first time I did it, she stayed in the dressing room, and this time she wanted to watch in the audience.
And I wasn't able to see her until

Speaker 4 one of the one sketch I did. I forget which one it it was.
I think it was when I was doing the

Speaker 4 support group guy with the man bun.

Speaker 4 I looked up and I saw her. She had a big grin on her face.
And, you know, you know, I've told you forever. That's out of everybody I make laugh.
If I make her laugh, that's the big one for me.

Speaker 4 So it was awesome to have her there. And

Speaker 1 yeah,

Speaker 4 it just was an amazing experience. And everybody over there could not have made it any easier.
So

Speaker 4 pretty goddamn cool, man.

Speaker 4 uh, there's no way to say how huge that show is.

Speaker 4 Um, oh, and Dana Carvey, oh my god, Dana Carvey doing Elon Musk, and uh, I got to be on that stage with him in the end and having him, you know, say hello and say I did a good job.

Speaker 4 It was just like when I first started watching SNL,

Speaker 4 um, it was right before he got on the show. It was when um

Speaker 4 Martin Short, Billy Crystal, those years.

Speaker 4 I hate when that happens.

Speaker 4 And then, what was that character that Martin Short used to do with the spiked hair? That crazy dance in the triangle.

Speaker 4 Which, by the way, he has come up with some of the most insane, amazing characters of all time.

Speaker 4 But then

Speaker 4 Dana's class came in with Dennis,

Speaker 4 Jan Hooks and all of them, Phil Hartman, rest his soul, all of them.

Speaker 4 It was just amazing. The whole thing was just,

Speaker 4 I don't know, I've been watching it forever. And like, I'm still such a huge fan of the show that at one point I'm sitting there and they're like, they got sort of the

Speaker 4 war room board up there and they're trying to figure out the show.

Speaker 4 And I'm sitting up there and I'm watching Lorne Michaels looking at the board and talking to people and everything.

Speaker 4 And I was able to be present enough to be like, how nuts is it that I am in this guy's office right now and I'm hosting this show? This is insane.

Speaker 4 I used to watch this in high school and I used to come to school on Monday and me and my friends would talk about all the sketches and now I'm on this thing.

Speaker 4 And I was thinking, you know, someday I'll be like, God willing in my 70s or 80s walking past Rockefeller Center,

Speaker 4 you know.

Speaker 4 Thinking, oh man, I did that show and it happened right in there. And all I was able to think all of that stuff as it was happening.
So it was a great time.

Speaker 4 All right. Sorry about that.
That's going to seem weird in the edit, but my

Speaker 4 kids a little sick came in. I had to deal with that.
All right, I'm back. I'm going to finish this fucking podcast.

Speaker 4 It's now 11 o'clock at night East Coast time. All right, here we go.
This is not the Monday morning podcast. It's the Monday evening podcast.

Speaker 4 Yeah, I didn't put the kids to bed and do all of that. We watched the end of the dolphins beating the rams.
I mean, what's up with that,

Speaker 4 man?

Speaker 4 Anyway,

Speaker 4 it was fun to be back in New York.

Speaker 4 They were putting up the Christmas tree, man.

Speaker 4 And after I would be done rehearsing every night, I kept going down to the cellar. I would do the cellar, the village underground, and then go back to the cellar.

Speaker 4 I'd run the monologue like three times a night. And

Speaker 4 so they had like a car service. So I would jump in the car and I would go down Fifth Avenue.
And they don't have one bus lane. They have two fucking bus lanes.

Speaker 4 And then everybody's just jammed over there with the cars. Like

Speaker 4 this went back to Bloomberg for some reason. I think those richy rich people, they look at Europe and they just love that everyone rides around on fucking bicycles and everything.

Speaker 4 And

Speaker 4 I think that works well for Europe. I just don't think we are set up the same way.
It's really difficult, I think, to go from

Speaker 4 horses to cars back to bikes. I think if you went from horses to bikes and then to cars,

Speaker 4 like we never really did the bike thing.

Speaker 4 Maybe? I don't think so. I'm trying to think of a period where there was a butt in any of our cities where it was mainly people riding bicycles.
Like, you just don't see that.

Speaker 4 But in Europe, they kind of have had that. So I feel like their cities are more set up for that.

Speaker 4 I was going to pick my kids up from school today, and there was a person on a fucking scooter, this woman, I swear to God, young and like in her 20s or something. And

Speaker 4 my buddy, my writing partner, was following me over because we were going to grab something to eat and finish. We were working on this scene in the script.

Speaker 4 And then I was going to, you know, we go our separate ways and go get my kids. I look at the F view mirror.

Speaker 4 It's two lanes on our side. And this person just was like in the left lane, and then they just changed to the right lane, never looked back.

Speaker 4 And I just laughed to myself, thinking like, that's the same kind of person that says, I would never ride a motorcycle.

Speaker 4 It was terrifying. I was just looking, I was going, look at this fucking idiot.
And then she went by me, and I realized that she was only in like her 20s, and that it was a woman.

Speaker 4 And that's why I was just thinking, like, I immediately thought of my daughter doing that. I was like, oh my god, I would have a heart attack.

Speaker 4 But anyway, so going back to New York is,

Speaker 4 yeah,

Speaker 4 I finally gotten myself.

Speaker 4 I wasn't good with New York

Speaker 4 where

Speaker 4 I was sort of off my game. Like, I used to know how to navigate it.
But once those electric bikes came in over the last like 10 years, like, oh my God, the amount of times I almost got clipped.

Speaker 4 And now I'm kind of like used to that bike lane. And that's the thing.
They're not fucking bicycles. They're like these little, they're like mopeds, except they're electric.

Speaker 4 That's essentially what they are at this point. But mopeds made noise, so you knew that they were coming.
These fucking things.

Speaker 4 It's like, remember Scott Stevens move in the NHL? You'd be following through on a fucking slapshot and he would come gliding by with his shoulder and just end your fucking career.

Speaker 4 I felt like that's what was going to happen when I was out there.

Speaker 4 And then, you know, typical humanity, you blame the person that gets hit, not the fucking person that did the hitting. So

Speaker 4 this is the first time I was back in New York.

Speaker 4 And,

Speaker 4 you know, I felt good about that. And then, like, another amazing thing is like Trump Tower is right there.
So like there's all of this security there

Speaker 4 because now he's going to be president again. And I was just looking at that building and then seeing like what he has down in Florida.
And I have to be fucking honest with you.

Speaker 4 I don't know what the fuck he's doing, why he went out and got another job.

Speaker 4 And not only that, think about this. This fucking guy is worth like whatever the fuck he's worth.
You never know with him. It's not like he ever tells the fucking truth, right?

Speaker 4 But like, let's just say it's anywhere near what he's suggesting. You're going in there to do a job that pays 400 fucking grand because you're mad at Jimmy Kimmel.

Speaker 4 I think Jimmy's going to have the last laugh if you're like

Speaker 4 you own a skyscraper and you live on the top of it and you can fucking golf whenever you want and fly private down to Florida, why the fuck would you want to go back to this shit?

Speaker 4 Oh my god, and somebody took a fucking shot at him. All right, I forgot to put in an airplane mode, and then somebody called.
Anyways, why the fuck

Speaker 4 would you want that job?

Speaker 4 You know,

Speaker 4 I have no fucking idea. I have no

Speaker 4 fucking idea. And don't he give me this shit.
Oh, he loves the country. Give me a fucking break with that shit.

Speaker 4 He loves himself.

Speaker 4 I don't know.

Speaker 4 It is, though, fascinating. Having grown up with narcissists and that type of thing, watching this guy's fucking behavior is incredible to me.

Speaker 4 This is my theory. I don't think the dude wants the job.
I think what he wanted was he wants the attention. And then I used to know somebody like that.
Like, you ever meet somebody like that?

Speaker 4 They, if they're not running the show,

Speaker 4 they like try to sabotage the show.

Speaker 4 So then you finally go, all right, you lead. And then it's like they don't do it and don't want to do it.
It's a very bizarre thing.

Speaker 4 Look, I look at, I'm probably fucking projecting this because of some fucking assholes that I grew up with. Whatever.
I'm probably wrong. Who knows? But anyway.

Speaker 4 Just where my head was at,

Speaker 4 I was walking down and I was looking at the building, and it's like gorgeous in a Trump way, you know, black with gold, kind of new money, very gaudy.

Speaker 4 Like if you're watching the penguin, that's you know, when he pulls up in his purple Maserati with the fucking gold rims, like you could see him like

Speaker 4 walking into a place like that. But

Speaker 4 anyway,

Speaker 4 it was fun to be back in New York. And it was also fun to see it not nearly as fucked up as everybody's trying to make it.
I know it's not as nice as it was.

Speaker 4 I know there is problems and that type of stuff, but I was taking the subway. I was not stepping over piles of human shit and everything.

Speaker 4 Like they try to make it out on Instagram the same way they make out Los Angeles.

Speaker 4 Like Los Angeles is on fire and it's fucking Skid Row and people living under benches and I mean bridges and it's a third world country and all this shit that people are saying. It's like,

Speaker 4 none of that is true. That's just kind of like what they show you on the news.

Speaker 4 So

Speaker 4 old Billy Freckles is getting ready to

Speaker 4 hit the road. I burned some material on SNL.

Speaker 4 But I always believe you go with the best shit that you have. But like,

Speaker 4 there was stuff that I just wrote that week, like the McDonald's thing, Trump and McDonald's, and

Speaker 4 women wearing pantsuits to run for office.

Speaker 4 I swear to God, if they just dressed like they were trying to get into a nightclub, that would be it.

Speaker 4 They would win every fucking election.

Speaker 4 And then once you get in there, then you can put on the pantsuit and be a beacon of womanhood for all the women out there, you know.

Speaker 4 But, you know, you got to get in the club first.

Speaker 4 Anyway,

Speaker 4 what else?

Speaker 4 Now that I've done, started this, started and stopped with this thing fucking three times, I have no idea how much time I did. It feels like it's time to start doing

Speaker 4 what? Let's talk a little football here first before I do the ad reads and then read your guys' questions.

Speaker 4 How about the Kansas City Chiefs?

Speaker 1 All right?

Speaker 4 Them trying to go undefeated. It's...

Speaker 4 ridiculously hard to go undefeated. And I think one of the most overrated things ever is that stupid 72 Dolphins team.
Would they, you know what I mean?

Speaker 4 I respect them, but the way that they like drank champagne every year when that happened, sort of rooting against people, I always thought was really douchey.

Speaker 4 And anyway, now to have an undefeated season

Speaker 4 at this point, you have 17-0 just to get out of the regular season. The Dolphins back then, it was 14, like 17-0 that you were done

Speaker 4 with the playoffs like two rounds of playoff and then the super bowl and you were done now it's like you have to go 17 and oh

Speaker 5 um

Speaker 4 and then you got to go you got to go 20 and oh now to beat to be uh just to equal a 17-0 team it doesn't make any difference that's like the patriots the year we went 18-1 we won one more game than the fucking miami dolphins and it was a fucking playoff game too

Speaker 4 Way more scrutiny, way more competitiveness, and all that type of shit. And then they get to be, you know, drinking their fucking champagne

Speaker 4 like the 72 Dolphins wouldn't get friggin' ass raped by the fucking 2007 Patriots. It's so stupid.
It's so dumb to compare that far away. So

Speaker 4 I would say if the Chiefs go 20-0,

Speaker 4 20-0, if you win 20 fucking NFL games, 17 regular season,

Speaker 4 three fucking playoff games, and to three Pete,

Speaker 4 I don't see anybody topping that three-year run.

Speaker 4 It's insane.

Speaker 4 And this week, the way that they won,

Speaker 4 you know, to go undefeated, I watched the Patriots do that through the regular, right up to the Super Bowl. Like, we had a lot of luck, a lot of things went our way, and then people making plays, and

Speaker 4 the chiefs

Speaker 4 blocking that field goal just willing themselves making something happen somebody stepping up uh this

Speaker 4 is now like looking like wow like they could they could actually

Speaker 4 they could actually do this even though they had like a close game against a division rival but that always happens

Speaker 5 um

Speaker 4 Like, I think if they're going to lose, if they haven't played San Diego twice yet, I think San Diego is good enough. There's something about those division rivalry games, like

Speaker 4 even when the Patriots were the Patriots, like the Dolphins still got us almost every year, one time.

Speaker 4 So there's always like that one team that just seems to have your number in your division that you can't sweep or whatever. So we shall see.

Speaker 1 And with that,

Speaker 4 let's do the

Speaker 4 reads for the week here.

Speaker 4 I have no idea. Where did I put them? Did I put them in this thing? I didn't put them there.

Speaker 4 Oh, for God's sakes, Bill. I swear to God.
What is that expression? You could fuck up a two-car funeral.

Speaker 4 You could fuck up a free lunch.

Speaker 4 There's all kinds of them, but that's what I'm doing right now. Okay, here we go.
The live reads: oh, look who it is. Indochino.
You know, with weddings to galas, fall brings.

Speaker 4 Dude, how much money are you sticking into a politician's pocket if you go to galas?

Speaker 4 The fuck is a gala?

Speaker 4 I don't even know what that is. I always just feel like a gala, the mayor's there, and you had to pay a certain amount of money for a plate.

Speaker 1 And

Speaker 4 the Duke and Duchess of who gives a fuck is there.

Speaker 4 With weddings to gala. Oh, but you could maybe just look it up.
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Speaker 4 Sorry. All right.
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Speaker 1 Give it up for Chicago.

Speaker 3 Sebastian Meniscalco's new stand-up special, It Ain't Right, is coming to Hulu on November 21st.

Speaker 1 30 years ago, Jeff Bezos, complete nerd. Bezos now ripped to shreds on his super yacht.
And the boxes keep coming.

Speaker 2 Sebastian Maniscalco, It Ain't Right.

Speaker 3 Premieres November 21st, streaming on Hulu and Hulu on Disney Plus for bundle subscribers. Terms apply.

Speaker 1 All right.

Speaker 4 Now, with that, let's get to the reads for the week, man.

Speaker 4 All right, listener from Paraguay. Hey, Billy Baguette.
Honestly, I was surprised that you knew of the existence of Paraguay.

Speaker 4 Look at me in my intellectual high horse, on my intellectual high horse, I think you mean. So I thought I'd write in to let you know that you had a listener here.
Holy shit.

Speaker 4 I wanted to also tell you that

Speaker 4 our version of go fuck yourself in

Speaker 4 Garani,

Speaker 4 which is our second language.

Speaker 4 I don't know how to say it. Terrahona,

Speaker 4 ahapiro? Is that J silent? Which means go jerk off.

Speaker 4 If you want to be more inflammatory, you would say

Speaker 4 terrahone ahapiro

Speaker 4 tuner? Tuneri, which means go stick a cactus up your ass.

Speaker 4 It's very specific. I could also teach you something nice in

Speaker 4 Guarni. I'm sorry, I'm I'm butchering this, but that's not as fun.
Love from Paraguay. Thank you.
And

Speaker 4 he says in Guarni or whatever,

Speaker 4 Terra Hona

Speaker 4 Japiro.

Speaker 1 Well, all right.

Speaker 4 Isn't that nice? There's a fucking Billy Redface in Paraguay telling people to shove a cactus up their ass. I like that.

Speaker 4 Pilates. Dear Bill, regarding the Pilates email you read on Monday, 1028, I was a former Marine Corps paratrooper during the 90s.

Speaker 4 And in 2019,

Speaker 4 dude, that's amazing. It's not enough that you join the Marines.
You're also going to jump out of a fucking plane as a Marine. You win the testosterone contest this week, dude.
That's amazing.

Speaker 4 Oh, and happy Veterans Day.

Speaker 4 Is it me? Was Veterans Day ever in fucking November? Wasn't it a different month? Wasn't it in September? Memorial Day is in May. Labor Day, September.
Wasn't Veterans Day

Speaker 4 wasn't February. That was President's Day.
When the fuck was that ever in

Speaker 4 November?

Speaker 4 I don't know. Anyway, and in 2019, finally had to accept

Speaker 4 spinal fusion surgery. Was in my near future as only 47 year, at only 47-year-old at the time.
Three discs fused.

Speaker 1 Wow.

Speaker 4 I was extremely overweight at the time going on four or five years prior to the surgery because I couldn't work out as my back was in so much pain so the surgery was necessary.

Speaker 4 After trying bicycling, yoga, and various other exercise activities for physical therapy, my wife got me hooked on Pilates and it changed my life forever.

Speaker 4 Dude, you're like the 90th old guy that has told me that Pilates is the shit.

Speaker 4 My life changed my life forever. I've lost 45 pounds in gaining muscle mass, the likes I haven't seen since my early 20s when I was in the service.

Speaker 4 I really think you should check it out as the prior email stated, it's a full-body workout and you feel incredible afterwards.

Speaker 1 Oh, God.

Speaker 4 Well, I got all the fucking dumbbells. Now I got to go out and go buy that fucking

Speaker 4 medieval torture bed.

Speaker 4 No, Bill, you could go to a class. I'm antisocial.

Speaker 4 I got to buy the bed and then get it to hook up a VCR to a square TV and I'll do the workout that way.

Speaker 4 Okay, wife or knife.

Speaker 1 Oh my god.

Speaker 4 Hello, you old freckled mozzarella. I have a question how to deal with a relationship.
I'm in my early 30s and my girlfriend is about the same age. We have been together for about four years.

Speaker 4 No children of pets. I've started to see more and more things I have trouble to tolerate.
She has started to gain some weight and lives

Speaker 4 a bit unhealthy. I have no problem with the little chubby, chubby, but now there is starting to be a bit of a gut.

Speaker 4 She takes all these over-the-counter medicines every day instead of living healthier. Started complaining on everyday things such as the weather and walking, started making a lot of eating noises.

Speaker 4 Yeah, she's begun the dying process. She's got to get out off that stuff.

Speaker 4 These fucking pharmaceutical companies, they just they're in bed with the food supply.

Speaker 4 They turn the food supply into poison and then they have these fucking pills to keep you living, but not in a healthy way.

Speaker 4 So you can keep eating the food and keep feeling sick and just making money off of you. Started making a lot of eating noises.
She had a small cancer half a year ago, had surgery and is now cured.

Speaker 4 I have an expensive chef's knife. I've told her many times how to handle it.
not to put it in the sink, only cut on a cutting board, which has been disrespected.

Speaker 4 Jesus, dude, you're writing very coldly, making eating noises. I have a very expensive knife.
I told you how to use it, and you've been using it disrespected.

Speaker 4 Okay, yesterday I found her cutting against a metal plate with it. I told her no and handed her another knife.
She told me it's fine. It's just the top and continued cutting until I got more upset.

Speaker 4 I don't care so much about the knife, but more about the disrespectful act. I get that.
She said she was sorry, not sure if i'm being petty

Speaker 4 breaking up over these things as we have a lot of fun together otherwise i'm tired of arguing as i work long shifts and she easily starts crying not sure if i'm an asshole if i bring up the other stuff your pod makes my work easier big fan of the stand-up fuck you and your sports um

Speaker 4 All right, dude, well, I can tell you this right now.

Speaker 4 From the way you're describing describing her, continuing to put on weight and making noises when she's eating, and then complaining about moving around,

Speaker 4 and now she's taking all of these pills and she's had cancer. Like,

Speaker 4 if you're gonna stay with this person,

Speaker 4 I mean,

Speaker 4 how do you lead a horse to water?

Speaker 4 Oh, wait, you can lead him to water. How do you make him drink it?

Speaker 4 How do you lead a cow to a smoothie?

Speaker 4 I'm sorry, to a fucking juice.

Speaker 4 Listen, dude, you're asking a comedian, but there was a lot of medical red flags in there, and I have no expertise, so you shouldn't listen to this.

Speaker 4 This is just a guy sitting on the fucking podcast bar stool next to you.

Speaker 4 That's not going to end well, and it's not going to end well rapidly if she keeps going the direction that she's going it.

Speaker 4 if you're not married yet and you want to have kids and somebody who's a cancer survivor and well on their way to being obese i don't know how that works out so

Speaker 5 um

Speaker 4 if you're going to stay with this person

Speaker 4 um

Speaker 4 that's a lot of work to put in

Speaker 4 if somebody is going off the fucking deep end like that and i would say this to a woman too like if you're dating some guy and and all of a sudden he's doing what this woman is doing,

Speaker 4 you know, as far as her disrespecting your knife, I mean, that's just what it's like.

Speaker 4 I don't know if that's what it's like to live with a woman, but it's at the very least it's what it's like to live with another person. Like, they,

Speaker 4 you know,

Speaker 1 I don't know.

Speaker 4 I think if it was a guy, he thinks like, all right, I gotta like respect this guy's knife before he stabs me with it. Where a woman's just like, oh my God, give me some fucking

Speaker 4 nitpicky for. I don't think that they give a shit.

Speaker 4 But I think the big thing here is her health.

Speaker 1 And

Speaker 4 the question is, is you love this person enough to try and help her turn her life around? Because she's not doing anything.

Speaker 4 She's living her life like a mouth-breathing fucking moron.

Speaker 1 All right.

Speaker 4 She's letting herself go to shit. She's eating awful.
And she's disrespecting. Like, this person seems like a lot, both in the weight department and as a person.

Speaker 4 So I feel like you are definitely at a crossroads.

Speaker 4 And you either hold her hand into the Dairy Queen and watch her just basically kill herself, or she makes the healthier choice and goes to the health food restaurant.

Speaker 4 or you let go of her hand and you walk in the opposite direction down the street. That's where you're at.
And that's a decision you have to fucking make.

Speaker 4 But I notice this overwhelming thing with men now is they question how they're feeling. Like, am I being like too much? Am I like making a bigger deal out of this?

Speaker 4 And that's kind of where we are right now publicly, where a woman doesn't have to think,

Speaker 4 am I being like a fucking nag? Am I being a pain in the ass? Am I making a mountain out of a molehill? They don't do that shit. So,

Speaker 4 you know, if you're you're with somebody that does that, then I would extend.

Speaker 4 What I'm trying to say here is respect is a two-way streak.

Speaker 1 All right?

Speaker 4 Okay.

Speaker 4 Good luck with that, sir. All right, girlfriend says, I have a staring problem.

Speaker 4 Dear Billy, Speedbag, I have been dating this girl for about six months now, and 95% of the time, things have been going amazing. Dude, 95% is pretty ridiculous.

Speaker 4 She's smart, pretty, and has a good career. She is building for herself.
We have our occasional little arguments about small things from time to time.

Speaker 4 But have been

Speaker 4 a few occasions that we have gotten into blowouts that have made me really question the relationship.

Speaker 1 All right.

Speaker 4 Over the past six months, we've had this same argument three separate times, and each time I get more fed up. Every time

Speaker 4 it has played out the same way, we go out on a date, everything's going perfect, and then all of a sudden my girlfriend's mood

Speaker 4 switches like a light switch, and instantly I can tell something is wrong.

Speaker 4 After asking her multiple times what her deal is, she will finally open up with some passive-aggressive remark along the lines of, you know, if you want to go out, if you want to go get that girl's number, just go for it.

Speaker 4 Okay, she insists that I have a bad problem with I fucking other girls and that it is embarrassing to her

Speaker 4 and that her boyfriend has a staring problem.

Speaker 4 Bill, on every occasion that we've had this argument, I literally couldn't even recall what girl she's accusing me of staring at.

Speaker 4 Dude, this is so hard because you're going to say that you're not doing it. She's saying that she's doing it.
How the fuck do I answer this?

Speaker 4 I'm 26 and not new to the dating game and I have had a few serious relationships in the past and this girl is the first one to ever bring up this problem and cause arguments about it the first two times we had this argument I gave in and just apologized even though I knew I did nothing wrong and said something along the lines of I'm really sorry it appeared that way I didn't realize I was doing that and I will do better to try and stop it in the future Last night we had the exact same argument, but this time I stood my ground.

Speaker 4 Good for you. And I told her it was bullshit and that she needs to stop projecting insecurities of her past on me and start believing me and trusting me.

Speaker 4 Okay, I was going to say to say that, if you're not, I fucking people.

Speaker 4 Number one, I'm not looking at anyone else in a sexual or attracted way. Number two, I would never intentionally do something to make her uncomfortable or embarrassed in that way.

Speaker 4 Bill, I'm a little lost here.

Speaker 4 Clearly, there has to be something from her past or some sort of past relationship trauma she went through that would make her so quick to just assume that I'm staring at other girls while I'm with her.

Speaker 4 But I can't keep having this argument over and over again when I am generally from the bottom of my heart not staring at anybody else except for her.

Speaker 4 Seeing as how this is r a repeated problem and these arguments have really been putting a strain on our relationship, do you think it's time for me to break up with her?

Speaker 4 Or do you think she is valid and it's possible I'm doing the subconsciously and genuinely not noticing them staring at girls? Thanks in advance and go fuck yourself.

Speaker 4 First of all, I have no fucking idea what you're doing. Like, how would I know whether you're doing it or not? You're saying you're not doing it.
She's saying you are. I can tell you this.

Speaker 4 Whatever you're doing is driving her up the fucking wall, whether you're doing it or not.

Speaker 4 And the fact that you're saying that 95% of the time it's cool, but you're asking me if you should break up with this person over this shit, I don't think you love them.

Speaker 4 I don't think it's worth it. And if this is the deal, all I can go on is what you said.

Speaker 4 So if you're not staring and she's doing this shit, and not only is she doing this shit, she makes you ask five fucking times before she comes up with it.

Speaker 4 I would make one final attempt.

Speaker 4 And I would do this

Speaker 4 before you go out.

Speaker 4 And just say, listen, this is the deal. I'm going out tonight.
I'm taking you out. I'm buying you dinner.

Speaker 4 Okay?

Speaker 4 I am out to dinner with you. You're the person I want to be out to dinner with.
But I want to tell you this. If you start that, you're staring at people again when I'm fucking not,

Speaker 1 like,

Speaker 4 I'm not living my life this way.

Speaker 4 What does that mean? And just say, you know, what do you think that means? Because that's what they're going to say. Well, what the fuck does that mean?

Speaker 4 Because you can't put any fucking parameters on them as they're doing it to you. Or what you do is you just go out with them.

Speaker 4 And you just go out with her. And if she accuses you again of it, then that's it.

Speaker 4 That's it. Then it's a fucking wrap.

Speaker 4 Or there's the last option.

Speaker 4 Well, you said you asked her if this is some sort of past thing. Like, did some guy cheat on her? I have, like, no idea, or she has some sort of insecurity.

Speaker 5 Um,

Speaker 4 however, if you are,

Speaker 4 you know, looking lustfully at women, just maybe not do that, maybe stop doing that.

Speaker 4 But if you're not,

Speaker 1 um,

Speaker 4 I have to be honest with you, on the outside of that, that just does not sound, I don't give a fuck how good looking she is, how much of a good time you're having.

Speaker 4 If somebody is just like that, this is what I do with like

Speaker 4 I always did with like women like that

Speaker 4 is the I will apologize one or two times

Speaker 4 depending on how much this person's in my life. But then once I have that third dust up

Speaker 4 this is how I handle females. I have a third dust up with them.
What I do with that and I still have to interact with them. What I just kind of do is I'm just like, all right.

Speaker 4 I'm going to let this person lead.

Speaker 4 All right, if they want to talk to me, they can fucking talk. If they don't, then I'm just going to just shut the fuck up because obviously, whatever the fuck it is that I'm doing is not,

Speaker 1 you know,

Speaker 4 is not working.

Speaker 4 And I'll even do that with my wife. Like, if she's just like fucking annoyed with me, I just go, all right, well, then I'm just going to, I will be here.
I'm not going to be like here and angry

Speaker 4 or here and sad. I'm just going to, I'm just like here.

Speaker 4 Not happy, not sad, not disappointed, not anything. Just fucking

Speaker 4 just here.

Speaker 1 Is everything all right?

Speaker 4 Yeah, everything's cool.

Speaker 4 And then they just do that. Well, you're not talking.
It's like, well, when I open my mouth, you just get mad at me. So, like, what the fuck am I supposed to, you know?

Speaker 4 This is the thing about women. They're a fucking Rubik's Cube, all right? And you're not going to, you just,

Speaker 4 you're not going to figure them out.

Speaker 4 So

Speaker 4 you got to get one that

Speaker 4 is worth the annoyance.

Speaker 4 Not to say that men aren't annoying, but you know, I don't date men. I'm sure women could say the exact same fucking thing.

Speaker 4 That's what it is. So like

Speaker 4 I will say, though,

Speaker 4 when fucking women get mad and then they won't tell you why they're fucking mad and they just keep me, they're just constantly tech. How much does he care about me?

Speaker 4 Is he willing to ask me 17 times what the fucking problem is? And then what's funny is once you fucking, they just play games with you.

Speaker 4 And then once you stop playing the game, then they become the cool chick that you fucking fell in love with. And they stop being a fucking asshole.

Speaker 4 But that's just to get you to fucking sign up for another Tour of Duty.

Speaker 5 All right, I'm going off of

Speaker 1 here.

Speaker 4 But

Speaker 4 I don't know. Just my gut says the fact that you're considering breaking, if 95% of this cool, but this is so fucking annoying, I don't think you love this chick.

Speaker 4 I don't. And

Speaker 4 I don't like, but what are you supposed to? Here's another thing, too. Fucking beautiful woman walks by.
We're not supposed to fucking do the side glance.

Speaker 4 I mean, you can't, like, the second, like, every guy,

Speaker 4 just like, notice this, if high heels are on a linoleum floor behind a table full of men, they're all going to turn around, look, and not even know they're fucking doing it. You know,

Speaker 4 it's just,

Speaker 1 I don't know,

Speaker 4 it's just how we are. So

Speaker 4 I don't know.

Speaker 4 That does not sound like a fun situation. And reading it, I was hoping that you were going to get out of it, either by working it out with her or getting out of the relationship.

Speaker 4 But the fact that you wrote in, it's enough of an issue in the relationship that it needs to be handled. So you got to just have a conversation.
Like, listen, we're talking about this one last time.

Speaker 4 Okay? Because I'm not doing this shit. And if whatever the fuck you think it is that I am doing is bothering you at this level, then you need to move on to another guy.
Okay?

Speaker 4 Because I'm not going to fucking sit. What do you want me to do? Come to the table with blinders on like a fucking horse?

Speaker 1 All right?

Speaker 4 Look at any guy in here. I don't give a fuck.

Speaker 4 You're looking at him. Why wouldn't you look at him? There's better looking guys than him.
I don't give a shit.

Speaker 4 I honestly don't give a fuck. I'll tell you not to look at somebody.

Speaker 4 I'm not going to tell you what to do. And then fucking extend that to me.
Don't tell me what to do.

Speaker 4 Then we can kind of be in a relationship, but not feel like somebody's sitting on somebody else's chest.

Speaker 1 I don't know.

Speaker 4 I don't know, but I have noticed in the last few years, men writing in more and more going like,

Speaker 4 am I making too big a deal of this?

Speaker 4 She's still hanging out with her ex-boyfriend. Am I, is there something wrong with? I mean, I'm trying to give her her space.

Speaker 4 It's fucking hilarious. They're getting away with murder right now.
All right, house husband.

Speaker 4 Dear Billy, Brazilian butt lift.

Speaker 4 My wife is lazy and I'm kind of at my wit's end. Can some woman write in and bitch about her boyfriend so I can balance this out?

Speaker 4 Uh, fear not, this will be a proofread email because I'm not an ignorant cunt.

Speaker 1 All right,

Speaker 4 she's lazy, and I'm kind of at my wits' end.

Speaker 4 All right, for my background, I'm the breadwinner at a stay-at-home tech job and have been providing us with amazing experiences like trips to Asia, fancy dinners, and other nice things that a good salary brings.

Speaker 4 My wife works with children with autism, which I think is fucking hot.

Speaker 4 That's a weird way to describe it. I I wasn't saying she's a saint.
You're like, oh, dude.

Speaker 4 I love chick. You ever meet a chick that fucking works with kids with autism?

Speaker 4 Whatever. That's what you're into.

Speaker 4 That turns you on. Hey, and brings in a salary,

Speaker 4 common new rate,

Speaker 4 I don't know what that means, with how much our society values that worth

Speaker 4 next to nothing.

Speaker 4 Isn't that unbelievable? I mean, she must come home fucking exhausted.

Speaker 4 That's all good because I joke with her that I'm the bloodless capitalist who will make sure

Speaker 4 we will retire not in poverty. And I fund her saving the world.

Speaker 4 So you got a sense of humor. You guys got a nice sense of humor in the relationship.
This is our relationship bargain. We have no kids and don't plan on any.

Speaker 4 Yet she goes to work every day helping out special needs kids. I'm trying to find out where she's lazy.

Speaker 4 But here's where I keep getting annoyed throughout the years. And it's not that she's straight up not doing chores or something.
It's the quiet quitting of the household chores.

Speaker 4 For instance, we have an automated cat litter box, but she never checks the app that tells you when to take out the litter. It falls on me every time to do it.

Speaker 4 When she's asked to do the dishes, I always do half of it for her first, there's huffing and puffing, and she'll just rinse the easy shit, put it into the appliance, and leave the hand washing of pots and pans to me.

Speaker 4 She's perpetually tired whenever chores come up.

Speaker 4 She's been trying for her master's in her field since before the pandemic. This would basically double her salary, and four years later, she's still struggling to finish this thing.

Speaker 4 It's not anything to do with the academic rigor. It's completely due to her not caring enough to re-sign for her classes to continue her degree.

Speaker 4 Doubling her salary could be an amazing thing for us, but she's been lackadaisical about this degree for six years now.

Speaker 4 I literally told her it's disrespectful for her to fuck off on this while I'm busting my ass trying to improve our lives by making more money, and she's still nowhere near finishing this degree.

Speaker 4 This fucking gets me because I'm waking up every morning thinking about how can I make our lives easier.

Speaker 4 All right, well, dude, how much money do you need to make if you're fucking, you don't have any kids and you're flying to Asia? I mean, it seems like you're doing really well.

Speaker 4 Maybe, maybe you're working too hard. I don't know.
So I feel like I'm the 40s house

Speaker 4 spouse that does every fucking thing

Speaker 4 to keep the household together and I'm not seeing the support.

Speaker 4 When I try to bring this up to her, it takes for a month, maybe, and then we're back to the same old shit. I love her, she's my partner, and I want to make this work, but how in the fuck do I get

Speaker 1 through to her?

Speaker 4 Anyway, I love your comedy. I take only bits of your advice because I'm a fully functioning adult and hope you have a helpful perspective here.
Or not, go fuck yourself. Yours truly, male housewife.

Speaker 5 Um,

Speaker 4 yeah, I mean, I

Speaker 4 once again, you're trying to change somebody.

Speaker 4 You can't change somebody, they have to want to change.

Speaker 4 So,

Speaker 1 I mean,

Speaker 4 I've had a million roommates that didn't do their fucking dishes, and there was nothing you could do to make them do their dishes.

Speaker 4 Or then they would do them, and they wouldn't do a good job, and then you have to redo a third of them. They're fucking children.

Speaker 1 All right?

Speaker 4 And

Speaker 4 I think you just have to put your foot down.

Speaker 4 It's basically what has to happen.

Speaker 4 And you have to be like, listen, you want to go to Asia? You have to fucking do your dishes. You have to do your dishes half the time.
I am not your maid.

Speaker 4 And I have to be honest with you, the fucking balls of somebody, if you're with somebody and they're making more money and you're not making any fucking money,

Speaker 4 anywhere near that money, and this is what sustaining your lifestyle is and you're not doing the dishes you you should be fucking homeless um

Speaker 4 i i think it's ridiculous that that you should that you should have to tolerate that um

Speaker 1 and

Speaker 4 i can tell you at let me ask you this if it was the other way around

Speaker 4 okay

Speaker 4 if she was making all that fucking money

Speaker 4 And you had a job that for whatever reason wasn't paying that money, you were

Speaker 4 dragging your feet to get a piece of paper that's going to double your money, and then you weren't doing your dishes. How long would any woman put up with that?

Speaker 4 I think

Speaker 4 you got to put your foot down there, dude.

Speaker 4 And just say, listen, I've talked to you about this time and again, and it goes good for a month, and then we're right back to it. And I am not tolerating it anymore.

Speaker 4 I'm not going to make all of this money, pay for this house, and take us to Asia, and and then you also do all the dishes. It's not fair to me.

Speaker 1 All right?

Speaker 4 And

Speaker 4 yeah, that's it.

Speaker 4 And if you want to not do your fucking dishes, go get your fucking degree.

Speaker 4 Go get your degree, and with that extra money, we'll fucking, I don't know what we'll do. We'll get some fucking, we'll buy a robot to do the fucking dishes.

Speaker 4 I have no idea, but you shouldn't have to put up with that. If you're basically paying for the lifestyle and all of that, you you shouldn't have to.

Speaker 4 And I would just give her a fucking ultimatum.

Speaker 4 Like, this is not, I'm not living the rest of my life doing your fucking dishes and paying all the bills and flying us to fucking Asia. That's not what's happening.

Speaker 4 So I respect the fact that you don't like doing dishes. If you think that is worth

Speaker 4 sending this relationship into a direction where it's going to end,

Speaker 5 then

Speaker 4 let me know right now. because I'm, you know, what the fuck, dude? You have one life.
You're not living your life doing another adult's dishes and paying all the fucking bills. That's it.

Speaker 4 That is a completely understandable point to be at.

Speaker 4 But the thing is, is you can't be all talk because if she just agrees and does this other thing, then you have to walk.

Speaker 4 That's how that works. And watch when you walk.
Watch how quick she gets her fucking degree. All right.
That is the podcast, everybody. Go fuck yourselves.

Speaker 4 Once again, thank you for everyone who watched SNL. SNL, and thank you so much to all the writers, the entire cast, everybody

Speaker 4 that works on the show. Thank you so much.
I could not have had a better time.

Speaker 4 It really was one of the high points of my career. So,

Speaker 4 thank you so much. And I'll talk to you guys on Thursday.