Monday Morning Podcast 11-11-24

Hey, what's going on? It's Bill Burr and it's time for the Monday Morning Podcast for Monday,

November 11th, 2024. What's going on? I want you.
Ah, geez. Ah, geez, Louise.
I'm back in LA. Oh, Billy.

Who

can turn the world on

with his ass. Sorry, I am like, I am a little loopy.
Big week last week, worked a bunch. My head's still spinning from that amazing experience.
And I'm now back out here in L.A. I turned into right what'd you host snl last guess what life doesn't care this is my day so my wife had a huge um like thing she's got to go do so i'm mr mom and uh today all right what did i deal with uh bathtub The water would not stop.
I couldn't shut it off.

Clog toilet. My son puked.
And, uh, what else? I can't figure out how to shut my fucking wife's car off. She's got this stupid fucking electric car.
Right. And when you walk up to it with the keys on, like, I swear to God, it plays this sustained chord, like, and it just keeps going.
And it's as annoying as just listening to me trying to hold a fucking note. It does that.
It's like a choir, like, like, what the fuck? Why? I just spent 20 minutes on the Internet figuring out how to go into the settings to fucking shut that off. So anyway, I fucking dealing with this stupid fucking goddamn over fucking design car.
Like, there's no need for any of this shit. None of it.
It is just, it weighs a million fucking pounds and it has all of this fucking bells and whistles on it that you don't even need. You don't fucking need any of it.
We were good in the nineties. All it is, is they're just coming up with new technology to get these fucking morons who stand outside stores because they're excited the next smartphone came out, right? You know what would be great? If nobody bought the next smartphone and we just said, this is it.
We're done with this one. We're done with this one.
And then we were like Cuba. We just stayed with the fucking cars we had.
We just kept fixing them up. We're like, fuck you.
We're not getting any more of these. And then we stayed with cash.
Like, fuck you. We're not going into this whole thing where if I want to buy a pack of gum at 7-Eleven, you have to scan my face.
It would be great if we just stopped there, but I don't see us. I don't see it happening.
I don't see a world where we can get on the same page because anybody who says shit like that is, is deemed a conspiracy theorist,

a fucking tinfoil hatted person or whatever. Um, but I think we're going to be all right though.
I think we'll be fine because the guy that starred in The Apprentice is president again,

and he is currently talking to Dr. Phil about national security.
Please tell me, please tell me that video isn't real. Please tell me that two fucking TV stars are not running this country right now.

Please tell me that that's that's that would be like back in the day if one of the hosts from That's Incredible was talking to fucking Mike Douglas about the Cuban Missile, whatever the fuck was going on.

The Iran hostages, the hostages in Iran.

It was like.

Oh, my God.

Stay in your own fucking lane.

Yeah, it's unreal. The last three presidential elections.
Is it just me? Is it just me or the last three presidential elections? I feel like this country was like the Cleveland Browns trying to pick a quarterback. And how about the Democratic Party? This is the third election in a row where you didn't get to decide who you were going to have run.
You know, you chose Bernie Sanders in 2016 and 2020. And they were like, no, fuck you.
Fuck you. You're not getting anybody that's going after the corporations and the banks.
You're getting a career politician. Here is Hillary Clinton.
And here is that weekend at Bernie's guy that we just had for the last fucking four years. And then they wheeled him around for three and a half years.
And at the last second, they're like, all right, the vice president, that's your fucking choice. Who not for nothing, you know, standing on the outside, the guy who always likes the fringe candidate, just saying that like she mopped the floor with in the debates, and he was such a pussy, he wouldn't go back.
But that doesn't count. It doesn't count.
Substance does not count. That's why I was talking about the pantsuit in my fucking monologue.
Just do what you got to do to get that free drink and then have respect for yourself. Speaking of which, I want to thank everybody um obviously lauren michaels everybody over there i had such a i could not have had a better time and the cast was amazing just they have so many friggin ridiculous everybody over there was a beast everyone i did a sketch with and what i loved was they were also all in their own lane.

So there was no overlap and there was plenty of room for everybody.

And,

um,

I don't,

I don't even know how many sketches I did,

but each one of them was easier than the next because of, uh,

the people I was doing the sketches with.

So thank,

thank you to them.

Thank you to the writers,

the whole thing.

And shout out to the musical guests, uh,gee spelt mk space g e e um i was blown away by them how cool they were how great their music was and then their work ethic like the first day they did sound check i was like oh you guys are on the road when's your next gig and they're like tonight we're driving to philly right now so i was like all right well there you go that's why they're that's why they're as good as they are um that's how it's done I know a lot of people don't do it that way anymore but that's how it was done when I was coming up comedians musicians everybody you just road dog every fucking night and that's how you got better at what you did so they were amazing and um and then the lovely Nia came out the first time I did it she stayed in the uh the dressing room and this time she wanted to watch in the audience and I wasn't able to see her until um one of the one sketch I did I forget which one it was I think it was when I was doing the uh the support group guy with the man bun I looked up and I her. She had a big grin on her face.
And, you know, I've told you forever. That's out of everybody I make laugh.
If I make her laugh, that's the big one for me. So it was awesome to have her there.
And, yeah, it just was an amazing experience. And everybody over there could not have made it any easier.
So pretty goddamn cool, man. And there's no way to say how huge that show is.
Oh, and Dana Carvey. Oh, my God.
Dana Carvey doing Elon Musk. And I got to be on that stage with him in the end and having him, you know, say hello and say I did a good job.
It was just like when I first started watching SNL, it was right before he got on the show. It was when Martin Short, Billy Crystal, those years.
um i hate when that happens and then uh what was that character that Martin Short used to do with the spiked hair that crazy dance in the triangle um which by the way he has come up with some of the most insane amazing characters of all time um but But then Dana's class came in with Dennis, Jan Hooks, and all of them. Phil Hartman, rest his soul.
All of them. It was just amazing.
The whole thing was just, I don't know. I've been watching it forever.
And I'm still such a huge fan of the show that at one point I'm sitting there and they're like, they got sort of the, uh, the war room board up there and they're trying to figure out the show. And I'm sitting up there and I'm watching Lorne Michaels, looking at the board and talking to people and everything.
And I was able to be present enough to be like, how nuts is it that I am in this guy's office right now? And I'm hosting this show? This is insane. I used to watch this in high school and I used to come to school on Monday and me and my friends would talk about all the sketches and now I'm on this thing.
And I was thinking, you know, someday I'll be like, God willing, in my seventies or eighties, walking past Rockefeller Center, you know, thinking, oh man, I did that show and it happened right in there. And I was able to think all of that stuff as it was happening.
So it was a great time. All right.
Sorry about that. That's going to seem weird in the edit.
But my kid's a little sick, came in. I had to deal with that.
All right. I'm back.
I'm going to finish this fucking podcast. It's now 11 o'clock at night, East Coast time.
All right, here we go. This is not the Monday morning podcast.
It's the Monday evening podcast. Yeah, I had to put the kids to bed and do all of that.
We watched the end of the Dolphins beating the Rams. I mean, what's up's up with that man um anyway it was uh it was fun to be back in new york they were putting up the christmas tree man and uh after i would be done rehearsing every night i kept going down to the cellar i would do the cellar the village underground and then go back to the cellar run the monologue like three times a night and uh so they had like a car service so i would jump in the car and i would go down fifth avenue and they don't have one bus lane they have two fucking bus lanes and then everybody's just jammed over there with the cars like uh this went back to bloomberg for some reason i think those richy rich people they they look at europe and they just love that everyone rides around on fucking bicycles and everything and uh i think that works well for europe i just don't think we are set up the same way it's really difficult i think to go from horses to cars back to bikes i think if you went from horses to bikes and then to cars like we never really did the bike thing maybe i i don't think so i'm trying to think of a period where there was a but in any of our cities where it was mainly people riding bicycles.
Like, you just don't see that.

But in Europe... think so i'm trying to think of a period where there was a but in any of our cities where it was mainly people riding bicycles like you just don't see that but in europe they they kind of have had that so i feel like their cities are more set up for that um i was going to pick i was going to pick my kid up kids up from school today and there was a person on a fucking scooter this woman, swear to god young like in her 20s or something and my buddy my writing partner was following me over because we were going to grab something to eat and finish we're working on this scene in the script and then i was gonna you know we go our separate ways and go i go get my kids i look at a few mirror it's two lanes on our side and this person just was like in the left lane and then they just changed to the right lane never looked back and I just laughed to myself thinking like that's the same kind of person that says I would never ride a motorcycle um it was terrifying I was just looking I was going look at this fucking idiot then she went by me and i realized that it was she was only like her 20s and that it was a woman and that's why i was just thinking like i immediately thought of my daughter doing that i was like oh my god i would i would have a heart attack um but anyway so going back to new york is uh yeah i finally I finally gotten myself I wasn't good with New York where I was sort of off my game like I used to know how to navigate it but once those electric bikes came in over the last like 10 years like oh my god the amount of times I almost got clipped and now i'm kind of like used to that bike lane and that's the thing they're not fucking bicycles they're like these a little they're like mopeds except they're electric that's essentially what they are at this point but mopeds made noise so you knew that they were coming these fucking things it's like remember scott stevens move in the nhl you'd be following through on a fucking slap shot and he would come gliding by with his shoulder and just end your fucking career i felt like that's what was gonna happen when i was out there and then what was gonna and then you know typical humanity you blame the person that gets hit not the fucking person that did the hitting.
So this was the first time I was back in New York. And, you know, I felt good about that.
And then like another amazing thing is like Trump Tower is right there. So like there's all of this security there.
Because now he's going to be president again and i was just looking at that building and then seeing like what he has down in florida and i have to be fucking honest with you i don't know what the fuck he's doing why he went out and got another job and not only that think about this this fucking guy is worth like whatever the fuck he's worth you know you never know with him it's not like he ever tells the fucking truth right but like let's just say it's anywhere near what he's suggesting you're going in there to to do a job that pays 400 fucking grand because you're mad at Jimmy Kimmel. I think Jimmy's going to have the last laugh.
If you're like, you own a skyscraper and you live on the top of it and you can fucking golf whenever you want and fly private down to florida why the fuck would you want to go back to this shit oh my god and somebody took a fucking shot at him all right i forgot to put in an airplane mode then somebody called anyways why the fuck would you want that job you know i have no fucking idea i have no fucking idea and don't he give me this shit oh he loves the country give me a fucking break with that shit he loves himself um i don't know it is it is though fascinating having grown up with narcissists and that type of thing, watching this guy's fucking behavior is incredible to me. This is my theory.
I don't think the dude wants the job. I think what he wanted was he wants the attention.
And then I used to know somebody like that. Like, have you ever met somebody like that? If they're not running the show, they, like, try to sabotage the show.
So then you finally then you finally go all right you lead and then it's like they don't do it and don't want to do it it's a very bizarre thing look i look i'm probably fucking projecting this because of some fucking assholes that i grew up with whatever i'm probably wrong who knows but anyway just where my head was at i was walking down and and i was looking at the building and it's like gorgeous in a trump way you know black with gold kind of new money very gaudy like if you're watching the penguin that's you know when he pulls up in his purple maserati with the the fucking gold rims like you could see him like like walking into a place like that but um anyway um it was fun to be back in new york and it was also fun to see it not nearly as fucked up as everybody's trying to make it i know it's not as nice as it was i know there was problems and that type of stuff but i was taking the subway i was not stepping over piles of human shit and everything like they try to make it out on instagram the same way they make out los angeles like los angeles is on fire and it's fucking skid row and people loving living under benches and i mean bridges and it's a third world country and all this shit that people are saying it's like um none of that is true that's just kind of like what they show you on the news so um oh billy freckles is getting ready to uh hit the road i burned some material on snl um but i always believe you go with the best shit that you have.

But like there was stuff that I just wrote that week,

like the McDonald's thing, Trump and McDonald's,

and women wearing pantsuits to run for office.

I swear to God, if they just dressed like they were trying to get into a nightclub, that would be it.

They would win every fucking election.

And then once you get in there, then you can put on the pantsuit and be a beacon of womanhood for all the women out there.

You know. But, you know, you got to get in the club first.

Anyway. what else? Now that I've done, started this, started and stopped with this thing fucking three times.
I have no idea how much time I did. It feels like it's time to start doing, uh, uh, doing what? Let's talk a little football here first, before I do the ad reads and then read you guys questions um how about the kansas city chiefs all right them trying to go undefeated it's it's ridiculously hard to go undefeated and i i think one of the most overrated things ever is that stupid 72 dolphins team would they you know i mean I respect them but the way that they like drank champagne every year when that happened sort of rooting against people I always thought was really douchey so I and um and anyway now to have an undefeated season at this point it's you have 17 and oh just to get out of the regular season the Dolphins back then it was 14 like 17 and 0 that you were done with the playoffs like two rounds of playoff and then the Super Bowl and you were done now it's like you have to go 17 and 0 um and then you got to go you got to go 20 and oh now just to equal a 17-0 team.
It doesn't make any sense. That's like the Patriots.
The year we went 18-1, we won one more game than the fucking Miami Dolphins. And it was a fucking playoff game too.
Way more scrutiny, way more competitiveness and all that type of shit. And then they get to be, you know, drinking their fucking champagne.

Um, like the 72 dolphins wouldn't get frigging ass raped by the fucking 2007 Patriots.

It's so stupid.

It's so dumb to compare that far away.

So, um, I would say if the chiefs go 20 and Oh, 20 and Oh, if you went 20 fucking

and I would say if the Chiefs go 20-0, 20-0, if you win 20 fucking NFL games, 17 regular season, three fucking playoff games, and to three-peat, I don't see anybody topping that three-year run. It's insane um and this week the way that they won um you know to go undefeated i watched the patriots do that through the regular right up to the super bowl like we had a lot of luck a lot of things went our way and then people making plays and the chiefs blocking that field goal just just willing themselves, making something happen, somebody stepping up.
This is now looking like, wow, they could actually do this. Even though they had a close game against a division rival, but that always happens.
like I think if they they're going to lose, if they haven't played San Diego twice yet, I think San Diego is good enough. There's something about those division rivalry games.
Like, even when the Patriots were the Patriots, like the Dolphins still got us almost every year one time. So there's always like that one team that just seems to have your number in your division um that you can't sweep or whatever so we shall see and with that let's do the uh the reads for the week here i have no idea where did i put them did i put them in this thing i didn't put them there oh for god's sakes bill i swear to god what is that expression you could fuck up a two-car funeral you could fuck up a free lunch there's all kinds of them but that's what i'm doing right now okay here we go the live reads oh look who it is indochino you know with weddings to galas fall brings dude how much money are you sticking into a politician's pocket if you go to galas the fuck is a gala i don't even know what that is i always just feel like a gala the mayor's there and you you had to pay a certain amount of money for a plate and the the duke and duchess of who gives a fuck is there um with weddings to gala oh you could maybe just look it up fall brings more opportunities to dress up indochino makes it easy to get custom men's and women's wear that will turn heads with made-to-measure suits dress shirts blazers and more their latest fall winter collect you know what's funny is global warming, there's going to be no more spring or fall.

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All right. Now with that, let's get to the reads for the week, man.
All right. Listener from Paraguay.
Hey, Billy Baguette. Honestly, I was surprised that you knew of the existence of

Paraguay. Look at me in my intellectual high horse, on my intellectual high horse, I think you mean.
So I thought I'd write in to let you know that you had a listener here. Holy shit.
I wanted to also tell you that our version of go fuck yourself in Garani, which is our second language. I don't know how to say it.
Terahona, ahapiro, is that J silent? Which means go jerk off. If you want to be more inflammatory, you would say which means go stick a cactus up your ass.
It's very specific. I could also teach you something nice in Guarani.
I'm sorry I'm butchering this, but that's not as fun. Love from Paraguay.
Thank you. And he says in Guarani or whatever, Tarahona, uh, uh, uh, Piro.
Well, all right. Isn't that nice? There's a fucking Billy Redface in Paraguay telling people to shove a cactus up their ass.
I like that. Pilates, dear Bill, regarding the Pilates email you read on Monday, 1028, I was a former Marine Corps paratrooper during the 90s.
And in 2019, dude, that's amazing. It's not enough that you join the Marines.
You also got to jump out of a fucking plane as a Marine. You win the testosterone contest this week, dude.
That's amazing. Oh, and happy Veterans Day.
Is it me? Was Veterans Day ever in fucking November? Wasn't it a different month? Wasn't it in September? Memorial in May Labor Day September wasn't Veterans Day

wasn't February that was President's Day when the fuck did was that ever in November I don't know anyway um and in 2019 finally had to accept spinal fusion surgery was in my near future at only 47-year only 47 year old at the time three discs fused wow i was extremely overweight at the time going on four or five years prior to the surgery because i couldn't work out as my back was in so much pain so the surgery was necessary after trying bicycling yoga and various other exercise activities for physical therapy, my wife got me hooked on Pilates and it changed my life forever. Dude, you're like the 90th old guy that has told me that Pilates is the shit.
My life changed my life forever. I've lost 45 pounds in gaining muscle mass, the likes I haven't seen since my early 20s when I was in the service.
I really think you should check it out. As the prior email stated, it's a full body workout and you feel incredible afterwards.
Oh, God. Well, I got all the fucking dumbbells.
Now I got to go out and go buy that fucking medieval torture bed. No, Bill, you could go to a class.
I'm antisocial. I got to buy the bed and then get a hookup of VCR to a square TV and I'll do the workout that way.
Okay. Wife or knife? Oh my God.
Hello, you old freckled mozzarella. I have a question how to deal with a relationship i'm in my early 30s and my girlfriend is about the same age we have been together for about four years no children of pets i've started to see more and more things i have trouble to tolerate she has started to gain some weight and lives a bit unhealthy.
I have no problem with the little chubby, but now there is starting to be a bit of a gut. She takes all these over-the-counter medicines every day instead of living healthier.
Started complaining on everyday things such as the weather and walking, started making a lot of

eating noises. Yeah, she's begun the dying process.
She's got to get out off that stuff.

These fucking pharmaceutical companies, they just, they're in bed with the food supply. They turn the

food supply into poison and then they have these fucking pills to keep you living, but not in a

healthy way. So you can keep eating the food and

keep feeling sick and just making money off of you. Started making a lot of eating noises.

She had a small cancer half a year ago, had surgery and is now cured. I have an expensive

chef's knife. I've told her many times how to handle it, not to put it in the sink,

only cut on a cutting board, which has been disrespected. Jesus, dude, you're writing very coldly, making eating noises.
I have a very expensive knife. I told you how to use it and you've been using it.
Disrespect. Okay.
Yesterday, I found her cutting against a metal plate with it. I told her no and handed her another knife.
She told me it's fine. It's just the top and continued cutting until I got more upset.
I don't care so much about the knife, but more about the disrespectful act. I get that.
She said she was sorry. Not sure if I'm being petty, breaking up over these things as we have a lot of fun together.
Otherwise, I'm tired of arguing as I work long shifts and she easily starts crying. Not sure if I'm an asshole.
If I bring up the other stuff, your pod makes my work easier. Big fan of the standup.
Fuck you and your sports. All right, dude.
Well, I can tell you this right now um from the way you're describing her continuing to put on weight and making noises when she's eating and then complaining about moving around and now she's taking all of these pills and she's had cancer like um if you're gonna stay with this person mean, how do you how do you lead a horse to water? Oh, wait, you can lead him to water. How do you make him drink it? How do you lead a cow to a smoothie? I'm sorry to fucking juice.
Listen, dude, you're asking a comedian, but there was a lot of medical red flags in there and i have no expertise so you shouldn't listen to this this is just a guy sitting on the fucking podcast bar stool next to you um that's not going to end well and it's not going to end well rapidly if she keeps going the direction that she's going it. If you're not married yet and you want to have kids and somebody who's a cancer survivor and well on their way to being obese, I don't know how that works out.
So if you're going to stay with this person, that's a lot of work to put in. If somebody is going off the fucking deep end like that, and I would say this to a woman too, like if you're dating some guy and all of a sudden he's doing what this woman is doing.
you know, as far as her disrespecting your knife, I mean, that's just what it's like. I don't know if that's what it's like to live with a woman, but it's, at the very least, it's what it's like to live with another person.
Like, they, you know, I don't know. I think if it was a guy, he thinks like, all right, I got to like respect this guy's knife before he stabs me with it.
Where a woman's just like, I'm like, oh, give me some fucking nitpicky for. I don't think that they give a shit.
But I think the big thing here is her health. And the question is, is you love this person enough to try and help her turn her life around because she's not doing any, she's living her life like a mouth-breathing fucking moron, all right? She's letting herself go to shit, she's eating awful, and she's disrespecting, like, this person seems like a lot, both in the weight department and as a person so i feel like you are definitely at a crossroads and you either hold her hand into the dairy queen and watch her just basically kill herself or she makes the healthier choice and goes to the health food restaurant or you let go of her hand and you walk in the opposite direction down the street that's where you're at and that's a decision you have to fucking make um but i noticed this overwhelming thing with men now is they question how they're feeling like am i being like too much am i like making a bigger deal out of this and that's kind of where we are right now publicly where a woman doesn't have to think, am I, is this, am I being like a fucking nag? Am I being a pain in the ass? Am I making a mountain out of a molehill? They don't do that shit.
So, you know, if you're with somebody that does that, then I would extend what I'm trying to say here is respect is a two-way street. All right.
Okay. Good luck with that, sir.
All right. Girlfriend says I have a staring problem.
Dear Billy Speedbag, I have been dating this girl for about six months now and 95% of the time things have been going amazing. Dude, 95% is pretty ridiculous.
She's smart, pretty, and has a good career. She is building for herself.
We have our occasional little arguments about small things from time to time. But have been a few occasions that we have gotten into blowouts that have made me really question the relationship.
All right. Over the past six months, we've had this same argument three separate times, and each time I get more fed up.
Every time it has played out the same way. We go out on a date, everything's going perfect, and then all of a sudden my girlfriend's mood switches like a light switch and instantly I can tell something is wrong.
After asking her multiple times what her deal is, she will finally open up with some passive-aggressive remark along the lines of, you know, if you want to go out, if you want to go get that girl's number, just go for it. Okay.
She insists that I have a bad problem with eye-fucking other girls and that it is embarrassing to her. And that her boyfriend has a staring problem.
bill on every occasion that we've had this argument, I literally couldn't even recall what girl she's accusing me of staring at. Dude, this is so hard because you're going to say that you're not doing it.
She's saying that she's doing it. How the fuck do I answer this? I'm 26 and not new to the dating game, and I have had a few serious relationships in the past, and this girl is the first one to ever bring up this problem and cause arguments about it.
The first two times we had this argument, I gave in and just apologized, even though I knew I did nothing wrong and said something along the lines of, I'm really sorry it appeared that way. I didn't realize I was doing that, and I will do better to try and stop it in the future.
Last night, we had the exact same argument, but this time I stood my ground. Good for you.
And I told her it was bullshit and that she needs to stop projecting insecurities of her past on me and start believing me and trusting me. Okay.
I was going to say to say that if you're not eye fucking people. Number one, I'm not looking at anyone else in a sexual or attracted way.
Number two, I would never intentionally do something to make her uncomfortable or embarrassed in that way. Bill, I'm a little lost here.
Clearly there has to be something from her past or some sort of past relationship trauma she went through that would make her so quick to just assume that I'm staring at other girls while I'm with her. But I can't keep having this argument over and over again when I am generally from the bottom of my heart not staring at anybody else except for her.
Seeing as how this is a repeated problem and these arguments have really been putting a strain around our relationship, do you think it time for me to break up with her or do you think she is valid and it's possible i'm doing this subconsciously and generally not noticing them staring at girls thanks in advance and go fuck yourself um first of all i have no fucking idea what you're doing like how would i know whether you're doing it or not all you're saying you're not doing it. She's saying you are.
I can tell you this. Whatever you're doing is driving her up the fucking wall, whether you're doing it or not.
And the fact that you're saying that 95% of the time it's cool, but you're asking me if you should break up with this person over this shit, I don't think you love them. I don't think it's worth it.
And if this is the deal deal all i can go on is what you said so if if you're not staring and she's doing this shit and not only is she doing this shit she makes you ask five fucking times before she comes up with it um i would make one final attempt and i would do this before you go out and just say, listen, this is the deal. I'm going out tonight.
I'm taking you out. I'm buying you dinner.
Okay. I am out to dinner with you.
You're the person I want to be out to dinner with. But I want to tell you this.
If you start that, you're staring at people again when I'm

fucking not like. I'm not I'm not living my life this way.
What does that mean? And just say, you know, what do you think that means? Because that's what they're going to. Well, what the fuck does that mean? Because you can't put any fucking parameters on them as they're doing it to you or what you do is you just go out with them and you just go out with her and if she accuses you again of it then that's it that's it then it's a fucking wrap um or there's the last option like well you said you asked her if this is some sort of past thing like did some guy cheat on her i have like no idea or she has some sort of insecurity um however if you are you know looking lustfully at women just maybe not do that maybe stop doing that but if you're not um i have to be honest you on the outside of that that just does not sound i don't give a fuck how good looking she is how how much of a good time you're having if somebody is just like that this is what i do with like i always did with like women like that is the i will apologize one or two times depending on how much this person's in my life but then once i have that third dust up this is how i handle females i have a third dust up with them what i do with that and i still have to interact with them what i just kind of do is i'm just like, all right, I'm going to let this person lead.
All right, if they want to talk to me, they can fucking talk. If they don't, then I'm just going to just shut the fuck up because obviously whatever the fuck it is that I'm doing is not, you know, it's not working.
And I'll even do that with my wife like if she's just like fucking annoyed

with me i just all right well then i'm just going to i will be here i'm not going to be like here and angry or here and sad i'm just gonna i'm just like here not happy not sad not disappointed not anything just fucking just. Is there anything all right? Yeah, everything's cool.
And then they just do that. Well, you're not talking.
It's like, well, when I open my mouth, you just get mad at me. So like, what the fuck am I supposed, you know? This is the thing about women.
They're a fucking Rubik's Cube, all right? And you're not going to figure them out. So you got to get one that is worth the annoyance.
Not to say that men aren't annoying, but, you know, I don't date men. I'm sure women could say the exact same fucking thing.
That's what it is. So, like, I will say, though, when fucking women get mad and then they won't tell you why they're fucking mad and they just keep me.
They're just constantly. How much does he care about me? Is he willing to ask me 17 times what the fucking problem is? And then what's funny is once you fucking, they just play games with you.
And then once you stop playing the game, then they become the cool chick that you fucking fell in love with. And they stop being a fucking asshole.
But that's just to get you to fucking sign up for another tour of duty. All right, I'm going off of here, but, um, I don't know.
Just my gut says the fact that you're considering breaking, if, if 95% of this is cool, but this is so fucking annoying. I don't think you love this chick.
I don't. And, um, I don't like, what are you supposed to do? There's nothing too fucking beautiful woman walks by we're not supposed to fucking do the side glance i mean you can't like the second like every guy just like notices if if high heels are on a linoleum floor behind a table full of men they're all going to turn around look and not even know they're fucking it.
You know, it's just, I don't know. It's just how we are.
So I don't, I don't know. That does not sound like a fun situation.
And, uh, reading it, I was hoping that you were going to get out of it either by working it out with her or getting out of the relationship. But, um, the fact that you wrote in, it's enough of an issue in the relationship that it needs to be handled.
So you got to just have a conversation. Like, listen, we're talking about this one last time.
Okay. Cause I'm not doing this shit.
And if whatever the fuck you think it is that I am doing is bothering you at this level, then, um, you need to move on to another guy. Okay.
Because I'm not going to fucking say, what do you want me to do? Come to the table with blinders on like a fucking horse? All right? Look at any guy in here. I don't give a fuck.
You're looking at him. Why wouldn't you look at him? There's better looking guys than him.
I don't give a shit. I honestly don't give a fuck.
Tell you not to look at somebody. I'm not going to tell you what to do and then fucking extend that to me.
Don't tell me what to do. Then we can kind of be in a relationship, but not feel like somebody sitting on somebody else's chest.
I don't know. I don't know, but I have noticed in the last in the last few years men writing in more and more going like i am am i making too big a deal of this she's still hanging out with her ex-boyfriend am i is there something wrong with i mean i i'm trying to give her her space it's fucking hilarious we're getting away with murder right now.
All right. House husband.
Dear Billy Brazilian butt lift. My wife is lazy and I'm kind of at my wits end.
Can some woman write in and bitch about her boyfriend so I can balance this out? Uh, fear not. This will be a proofread email because I'm not an ignorant cunt.
Uh, all right. She's lazy and I'm kind of my wits end.
All right. For background, I'm the breadwinner at a stay-at-home tech job and have been providing us with amazing experiences like trips to Asia, fancy dinners, and other nice things that a good salary brings.
My wife works with children with autism, which I think is fucking hot. That's a weird way to describe it.
I wasn't saying she's a saint. You're like, oh, dude, I love you.
You ever meet a chick that fucking works with kids with autism? That's whatever. That's what you're into.
That turns you on hey and brings in a salary

common new rate i don't know what that means with how much our society values that worth next to nothing isn't that unbelievable i mean she must come home fucking exhausted.

That's all good because I joke with her that I'm the bloodless capitalist who will make sure we will retire not in poverty. And I fund her saving the world.
So you got a sense of humor. You guys got a nice sense of humor in the relationship.
This is our relationship bargain. We have no kids and don't plan on any.
Yet she goes to work every day helping out special needs kids. I'm trying to find out where she's lazy.
But here's where I keep getting annoyed throughout the years. And it's not that she's straight up not doing chores or something.
It's the quiet quitting of the household chores. For instance, we have an automated cat litter box, but she never checks the app that tells you when to take out the litter.
It falls on me every time to do it. When she's asked to do the dishes, I always do half of it for her first.
There's huffing and puffing, and she'll just rinse the easy shit, put it into the appliance and leave the hand washing of pots and pans to me. She's perpetually tired whenever chores come up.
She's been trying for her master's in her field since before the pandemic. This would basically double her salary.
And four years later, she's still struggling to finish this thing. It's not anything to do with the academic rigor.
It's completely due to her not caring enough to re-sign for her classes to continue her degree. Doubling her salary could be an amazing thing for us, but she's been lackadaisical about this degree for six years now.
I literally told her it's disrespectful for her to fuck off on this while I'm busting my ass, trying to improve our lives by making more money.

And she's still nowhere near finishing this degree.

This fucking gets me because I'm waking up every morning thinking about how can I make our lives easier?

All right. Well, dude, how much money do you need to make if you're fucking you don't have any kids and you're flying to Asia I mean it seems like you're doing really well maybe maybe you're working too hard I don't know so I feel like I'm the 40s house spice spouse that does every fucking thing to to keep the household together and I'm not seeing the support when I try to bring this up to her for a month, maybe, and then we're back to the same old shit.
I love her. She's my partner and I want to make this work, but how in the fuck do I get through to her? Anyway, I love your comedy.
I take only bits of your advice because I'm a fully functioning adult and hope you have a helpful perspective here or not. Go fuck yourself.
Yours truly, male housewife. Yeah, I mean, I.
Once again, you're trying to change somebody. You can't change somebody.
They have to want to change. So, I mean, I've had a million roommates that didn't do their fucking dishes and there was nothing you could do to make them do the dishes.
Or then they would do them and they wouldn't do a good job. And then you have to redo a third of them.
They're fucking children. All right.
And I think you just have to put your foot down. It's basically what has to happen.
And you have to be like, listen, you want to go to Asia? You have to fucking do your dishes. You have to do your dishes half the time i am not your maid

and i have to be honest with you the fucking balls of somebody if you're with somebody and they're making more money and you're not making any fucking money anywhere near that money and this is what sustaining your lifestyle is and you're not doing the dishes you should be fucking homeless. I think it's ridiculous that you should have to tolerate that.
And I can tell you, let me ask you this. If it was the other way around, okay? If she was making all that fucking money and you had a job that for whatever reason wasn't paying that money, you were dragging your feet to get, you know, a piece of paper that's going to double your money.
And then you weren't doing your dishes. How long would any woman put up with that? I think you got to you got to put your foot down there, dude.
and just say, listen, I've talked to you about this time and again, and it goes good for a month. And then we're right back to it.
And I am not tolerating it anymore. I'm not going to make all of this money, pay for this house, and take us to Asia.
And then you also do all the dishes. It's not fair to me.
All right. And, um, yeah, that's it.
And if you want to not do your fucking dishes, go get your fucking degree, go get your degree. And with that extra money, we'll fucking, I don't know what we'll do.
We'll get some fucking, we'll buy a robot to do the fucking dishes. I have no idea, but you shouldn't have to put up with that.
If you're basically paying for the lifestyle and all of that, you shouldn't have to. And I would just give her a fucking ultimatum.
Like this is not, I'm not living the rest of my life doing your fucking dishes and paying all the bills and flying us to fucking Asia. That's not what's happening.
So I respect the fact that you don't like doing dishes. If you think that is worth sending this relationship into a direction where it's going to end, then let me know right now.
Because I'm, you know, what the fuck, dude? You have one life. You're not living your life doing another adult's dishes and paying all the fucking bills.
That's it. That is a completely understandable point to be at.
But the thing is, is you can't be all talk because if she just agrees and does this other thing, then you have to walk. That's how that works.
And watch when you walk, watch how quick she gets her fucking degree. right that is the podcast everybody go fuck yourselves uh once again thank you for everyone who watched

snl and thank you so much to all the writers the entire cast everybody um that works on the show

thank you so much i could not have had a better time um it really was one of the high points of

uh my career so thank. Thank you so much.

And I'll talk to you guys on Thursday.