Monday Morning Podcast 10-28-24

Speaker 1 Give it up for Chicago.

Speaker 2 Sebastian Maniscalco's new stand-up special, It Ain't Right, is coming to Hulu on November 21st.

Speaker 1 30 years ago, Jeff Bezos, complete nerd. Bezos now ripped to shreds on his super yacht, and the boxes keep coming.

Speaker 2 Sebastian Maniscalco, It Ain't Right, premieres November 21st, streaming on Hulu and Hulu on Disney Plus for bundle subscribers. Terms apply.

Speaker 1 Hey, what's going on? It's Bill Burr, and it's time for the Monday morning podcast for Monday,

Speaker 1 October 28th, 2024. What's going on? Oh, are you?

Speaker 1 Oh, Billy's back.

Speaker 1 Bonjour tou le

Speaker 1 soi arrive a Los Angeles

Speaker 1 winter. Yes, wai.

Speaker 1 I'm back.

Speaker 1 I'm very happy because

Speaker 1 the rest of the shows last week in Paris went unbelievable. And the final night, the Thursday night,

Speaker 1 was probably my best show in that

Speaker 1 this bit that I just sort of developed this. bit that I was doing in French over the three nights and the last night was it worked

Speaker 1 perfectly And it was what I was telling you guys.

Speaker 1 I just sort of developed that thing about listening to late-night French radio and listening to these French people speaking about relationships and heartache and their lives falling apart.

Speaker 1 And they speak French really slowly, so I can understand it. And then, like, the host doesn't interrupt them because what they're saying is so, you know,

Speaker 1 you know, it's not like the morning zoo.

Speaker 1 So I just did the bit, ended up turning into me just imitating an entire phone call. Not really the entire phone call, it's just the first

Speaker 1 part of it,

Speaker 1 what the person says, and then how

Speaker 1 the host of the show reacts. That's all it was.
It was only

Speaker 1 a couple of minutes long, but it was all in French. And

Speaker 1 on Thursday night,

Speaker 1 when I just did

Speaker 1 the caller,

Speaker 1 I just did that part. It killed and got an applause break.

Speaker 1 And I was, and

Speaker 1 because it was legit funny and and then also because they were like wow he's actually

Speaker 1 he just didn't learn bon jour au voir merci you know I think anyway and then

Speaker 1 and then the

Speaker 1 the house which is a shorter part

Speaker 1 which is just that guy trying to find the words to try and make this person feel better

Speaker 1 about

Speaker 1 you know his wife stepping out on him or whatever the fuck I was doing but

Speaker 1 so it went great. And

Speaker 1 my lovely wife was there. And afterwards, she had some friends and they came back and they were saying, great show.
And they were like, yeah, you know, when

Speaker 1 you were

Speaker 1 doing that radio bit in French, she goes, I was laughing, but I didn't understand one word you were saying, which made me feel really good. And

Speaker 1 it wasn't until like the next day.

Speaker 1 I kind of got, you know, like they always talk about like runners high. I got like comedians high

Speaker 1 like the next day because I just sort of did it. And it was,

Speaker 1 you know, it's been something that I've been thinking about for at least like 10 years wanting to do that. Do stand-up in Paris

Speaker 1 and be able to speak French or whatever. And then there was a time near, like, well, you know, if you start doing shows over here, then people will know who you are.

Speaker 1 Can't we just have a place we go to? And I don't, you know, so I was like, that's a decent point. So I wasn't doing that.
I was like, well, I got to do it over here. Fuck it.

Speaker 1 And she's like, yeah, you're right. So

Speaker 1 that's what led to this gig. So anyway, the next day, I was thinking about it.

Speaker 1 And

Speaker 1 for any comedian out there listening, one of the things that I was

Speaker 1 concerned about, I was going like, all right, so this is another language.

Speaker 1 So is the timing different? Is the comedic timing different because it's different? It's a different language. Like, I was literally in my head when I was thinking about it.
Like, is this,

Speaker 1 you know, I was joking with a buddy of mine, is this like some sort of comedy metric system over here in Europe when I'm speaking a different language? And

Speaker 1 was in my head about it, but when I was just doing my bit, I was sort of flowing. So when I did it, I didn't think and I just did it.
And there is no difference. It's the exact same.

Speaker 1 What it really is, is having command of what you're saying.

Speaker 1 So.

Speaker 1 you understand what you're saying and then you can just slip into whatever

Speaker 1 you know the pocket of whatever you do when you're in English and you know what is funny was

Speaker 1 because you know I don't write jokes out I just work on them on stage so I was riffing in French

Speaker 1 which is another thing like wow I can't believe I fucking did that even though it was only for like a minute a minute and a half was really cool and but it worked for the bit because the guy who was calling up

Speaker 1 was really sad and was devastated and he was trying to wrap his head around what he just saw and

Speaker 1 that was like the vibe of the joke. But me, as a person,

Speaker 1 I was trying to figure out how to say it. So I was doing a lot of rubbing of the face, going,

Speaker 1 you know,

Speaker 1 yesterday, whatever, I was saying all this shit about coming home and finding my wife not home, right?

Speaker 1 And I was just like rubbing my face, and it worked for the character, but I was also trying to figure out how to say it right.

Speaker 1 So anyway, I got to tell you, I've been doing this shit a long time. That is one of the coolest fucking, you know,

Speaker 1 things I've ever gotten to do.

Speaker 1 And

Speaker 1 there's been a lot of things that I've done that have that

Speaker 1 are like surreal. Like, you know, you're,

Speaker 1 you know, whatever you're doing. You're a comedian.
I'm doing stand-up. Someday I want to do stand-up on a late-night talk show.

Speaker 1 And then one day you're standing behind that curtain and you're like, what the fuck?

Speaker 1 I used to watch this show.

Speaker 1 What am I doing here? And they just say your name and you fucking walk out there and you do it.

Speaker 1 And

Speaker 1 I don't know. I'm sure you guys have experienced that and whatever the hell it is that you do.
But like, if it's something you're like sort of working for,

Speaker 1 I'll tell you, though, I never get a letdown after.

Speaker 1 You know, for me, it's always relief. People always like, you know, and I was getting so amped up, like back in the day doing like Letterman or something like that.

Speaker 1 I always just had fucking relief,

Speaker 1 you know.

Speaker 1 The first relief was, I didn't get bumped.

Speaker 1 He didn't go long with the guest, I didn't get bumped, so I don't have to go through the fucking, you know, it's like that was like ice in the kicker, the stand-up comedian version, when he used to just go long with that first or second guest.

Speaker 1 And oh, it's the fucking worst because you're sitting there on pins and needles. Because that happened to me one time.
And then, you know,

Speaker 1 Eddie Brill,

Speaker 1 great Eddie Brill, would come back and be like,

Speaker 1 I still think you're going to get, I don't know, and and there'll be like updates.

Speaker 1 And I lucked out.

Speaker 1 I lucked out. I think the late, great Greg Giraldo, rest his soul,

Speaker 1 I think he had the record one time. He got bumped like eight fucking times in a row.
It was like

Speaker 1 ridiculous.

Speaker 1 To show you what kind of comedian he was was when he finally went out there on like the ninth time, he's still killed.

Speaker 1 Um, like, I don't know how the hell you stay amped up for that.

Speaker 1 Maybe you just get over it after a while. Like,

Speaker 1 go back nine times, eight, nine times. You got to be like, at that point, you know, like the fucking,

Speaker 1 you know, the PA's name, the guy at the door that lets you in, the fucking you and Biff have already had a couple of beers or whatever. Um,

Speaker 1 so anyway, yeah, so that happened. And then I had a couple of nights off in Paris and

Speaker 1 just hanging with my wife and

Speaker 1 Club Soda Kenny and Bianca, who Christophile, who fucking killed.

Speaker 1 I remember when I first saw her, like, I already said all of this stuff. She just the whole week

Speaker 1 I was literally seeing her act developing into what the first time I saw her, being like, she could be this level comic if she keeps doing the work, which she did.

Speaker 1 So I was very proud of her, you know. And that always makes me look good, I feel.
You know what I mean? If you come out and you bring a really strong comic

Speaker 1 with you,

Speaker 1 you know, I never understood that. That was a fucking move back in the day when I started out.

Speaker 1 Way back in the day,

Speaker 1 way back in the day.

Speaker 1 You know, when this country wasn't bankrupt. Oh, Bill, don't start that shit.

Speaker 1 That was like a thing where,

Speaker 1 like,

Speaker 1 there was, there wasn't a bunch of comics, but there was comics out there that would bring fucking opening acts out that were fucking horrific.

Speaker 1 Had no business being on a fucking stage at that level in front of a crowd as big as whoever the famous comic was that was drawing. But like.

Speaker 1 They had like this thing like, hey, you know, you don't want someone going on.

Speaker 1 There's all of these fucking rules. You don't want someone going on in front of you that's too strong.
And that's like, you're on a fucking TV show.

Speaker 1 Nobody cares. Nobody cares.
There's like maybe like five comedy nerds, but they got to be at like Star Wars level nerd

Speaker 1 or want to be that person that like

Speaker 1 knows the comic that nobody knows. But other than that, like no one, like they forgot your fucking name.

Speaker 1 It was like more like pleasantly surprised. Like, wow, that was, you know,

Speaker 1 that guy was good, you know? And then it was just like, and now

Speaker 1 the famous person you came to see.

Speaker 1 Because I remember, I remember thinking that as a kid, when I was fucking doing

Speaker 1 the comedy connection in Fanuel Hall, a couple of times,

Speaker 1 you know, I had sets in front of famous, because a lot of, you know, commerce came to stage back then and they didn't necessarily bring openers.

Speaker 1 Some of them did. and the ones who did used to bring like fucking weak-ass guys, right? Or guys that were like, all right, but were really writing for the headliner, right?

Speaker 1 So

Speaker 1 I opened for a couple of famous people, and there was a few times where in my head

Speaker 1 I was actually thinking, like, and you got to stand, dude. Like, this is like fucking three years,

Speaker 1 three and a half years into my stand-up career.

Speaker 1 And I'd be getting off, bringing that guy up, going, like, man, is he going to fire me?

Speaker 1 Because I killed so hard.

Speaker 1 Can this famous person follow the heat?

Speaker 1 Just in the intro, they already followed me.

Speaker 1 First of all, because I wasn't that good. Just in my head, I thought I was.

Speaker 1 Not like in a delusional thing, but like you don't really have perspective of like the where you're where your act is.

Speaker 1 So anyway,

Speaker 1 the person would just come on stage and be over. And then also, like, if somebody was famous, that actually meant something back then.
Like, now it doesn't mean shit.

Speaker 1 You know, everybody's got a podcast and a fucking something and everybody at some, you know. And isn't everybody gone viral that wants to at this point?

Speaker 1 I think what's more interesting at this point would be somebody that isn't.

Speaker 1 You know, like, can you imagine if there's a person out there that a corporation doesn't know anything about? Like, they don't have an email. They still have a fucking house phone.

Speaker 1 They're not listening to this.

Speaker 1 But if for some reason you're walking up to a fucking box store and you hear somebody in a car listening to my podcast, I got respect for you.

Speaker 1 Never been online, not into that shit.

Speaker 1 Still has a square TV.

Speaker 1 I have to be honest with you, I really feel like that is the rebellion that would work at this point.

Speaker 1 It's just complete non-participation.

Speaker 1 Because if you try to go, if you try to match them gun for gun, I mean, the level of shit that they have.

Speaker 1 You know, like someone was trying to tell me London, England, like the whole fucking,

Speaker 1 the whole city at this point has security cameras everywhere.

Speaker 1 And what kills me is it's not going to fucking stop there.

Speaker 1 I feel like in the future, there's going to be cameras everywhere, and then they're going to have one in basically your living room and in your kitchen.

Speaker 1 And it's just like, out of respect, you know, you can have your privacy,

Speaker 1 you know, in the bathrooms.

Speaker 1 And you're allowed, we will shut the camera. If you want to have relations with the person you're with,

Speaker 1 you know, text this number to this number and we will shut the camera off.

Speaker 1 And you have 20 minutes to do your thing.

Speaker 1 Anything after 20 minutes, there's a $3.50 surcharge per minute.

Speaker 1 I feel like that's...

Speaker 1 And then

Speaker 1 that still won't be enough fucking surveillance for them. I think they're just a bunch of weirdos.
I really think that a lot of people that are in security are just fucking weirdos.

Speaker 1 Like don't ever get cameras in your fucking house, by the way. If you hire like a security.
You just have them on the outside of the house.

Speaker 1 All right, once the person's in your house, they're in your fucking house. Like, I don't know what you're doing at that point.
They're taking your shit.

Speaker 1 You have your non-lethal weapon out, or whatever the fuck you have, your zip gun, your Glock, whatever. And then, you know, who knows?

Speaker 1 Maybe you did need to shoot them, but you just felt like it because you always wanted to, so you could have something to talk about down at the gun range. You don't want that on film.

Speaker 1 I mean, if we've learned anything from P. Diddy, you don't want.

Speaker 1 Sorry.

Speaker 1 Anyway,

Speaker 1 I am in such a fucking great mood. It's 5:36 in the morning out here, and I'm sitting in the driveway in my car so I don't wake everybody up.

Speaker 1 Me and my wife, my lovely wife Nini, we flew back yesterday and we didn't sleep on the plane like deliberately. So we would come out here, land at around six, and then

Speaker 1 come home, see the kiddos, which was incredible.

Speaker 1 They gave us a hero's welcome when we came back.

Speaker 1 That was awesome. That's the only thing that sucked about being over there.
Is the level that you miss your kids? But

Speaker 1 next time,

Speaker 1 next time,

Speaker 1 how do I say that in French?

Speaker 1 I don't even know. I forget.

Speaker 1 No, that means absolutely no that means once again

Speaker 1 le premier foi that means the first time i'll figure it out um

Speaker 1 yeah we wanted to make sure we came here and we were like

Speaker 1 you know we fell asleep last night like right after the kids did you know 8 30 9 o'clock um but now i'm like fucking wide awake so anyway i don't want to wake anybody up

Speaker 1 so uh

Speaker 1 Here I sit in my car. So when I was overseas, the first two games of the World Series or the World Serious happened, as Bugs Bunny used to say.
And

Speaker 1 I saw, I mean, there was no way to not hear about that fucking first game. I mean, that was a classic.

Speaker 1 I mean, it's kind of amazing, like the Dodgers, that they've been involved in two of those games.

Speaker 1 These sort of improbable things. I saw he hit a grand slam to win the game, and I saw the score was 6-3.
I was like,

Speaker 1 I thought you got four runs for a grand slam. I didn't realize that the Yankees had scored a run in the top of the 10th.

Speaker 1 That game right there is why you love being a sports fan and why you absolutely hate it. And you question why you do it, depending on what side of

Speaker 1 the one-loss column that you're on.

Speaker 1 So when they lost,

Speaker 1 you know, I was texting Versey because I remember Versey was saying that that walk-off homer against the Cleveland Guardians was a devastating loss. I was like, dude, you're still up 2-1.

Speaker 1 He goes, it's a devastating. I go, you're going to be fine.
You're going to be fine. So I texted him after game one.

Speaker 1 I was like,

Speaker 1 see,

Speaker 1 now that fucking walk-off home run to the Guardians

Speaker 1 isn't a bad thing. It's a gift because the Yankees, your team had been there and they survived it.
So, as devastating as the game one loss was,

Speaker 1 they've been in this situation before they can come back. See, because at this point, I'm just rooting for a seven-game series.
That's all I'm rooting for. Because,

Speaker 1 you know, I hate New York sports teams and I hate L.A. teams equally.

Speaker 1 And by equally, I just mean the Lakers. I don't give a fuck about any of these other teams.
I don't even watch them. I don't give a shit about the Rams.
I don't give a shit about the Chargers.

Speaker 1 I don't give a fuck about the Clippers and that stupid new fucking arena that they built where there's no cash, which isn't even legal.

Speaker 1 There's no cash. Everything's on your phone and fucking face recognition.

Speaker 1 Is it like, isn't it enough? I'm going to a Clippers game. You got to take my fucking retinas, you cunts.
So I don't give a fuck about them. I like the Kings.

Speaker 1 Who's left?

Speaker 1 I don't know who's left. And the Dodgers, I don't mind because I used to root for them them when the Red Sox couldn't beat the Yankees, 77, 78, and 81.

Speaker 1 And

Speaker 1 it's just the Lakers. But I hate the Lakers.
So I don't even hate the Lakers. I just hate their fans.

Speaker 1 You know?

Speaker 1 When I was living in New York, my hatred of fucking Yankee fans went down considerably.

Speaker 1 Hatred of the Yankees went down considerably because I met Yankee fans and they were fucking baseball fans and they could talk the game. And my problem, that's my fucking issue with Laker fans.

Speaker 1 They just, they got nothing. They can't talk the fucking game.
MVP. They do that and fucking stick three fingers up every time there's a fucking three-pointer.

Speaker 1 Every once in a while, I'll meet an old school guy,

Speaker 1 you know, that was at the forum back in the day. And then

Speaker 1 I'm like, you know, why can't all Laker fans

Speaker 1 just be like this, informed? Because after you're like, yeah, fuck the Lakers, they'll fuck the Celtics, then you want to talk the games. And

Speaker 1 my favorite thing, and this is what, you know, when you leave leave your city and you go into enemy territory, there is a cool thing that happens is

Speaker 1 like

Speaker 1 when you're talking to your rival sports fans, they tell you the players on their team that they fucking hated and used to drive them nuts. And it isn't the obvious people

Speaker 1 necessarily. There's some people they just didn't like their face, or there's some hit you didn't remember because it didn't kill you, but it killed this person, you know, on the other team.

Speaker 1 That's like one of my favorite.

Speaker 1 Like, I like talking to old school Laker fans about how much I hated the Showtime Lakers, but secretly would watch them because they were so entertaining to watch and how much I loved James Worthy.

Speaker 1 Or I'll talk to a Sixers fan and how much I loved Andrew Toney. Oh, my God.
Andrew fucking Tony. That is a fucking name I'm going to say for the rest of my life.
There's no way that that guy.

Speaker 1 Shouldn't be getting more attention. You know, when people make like these clips of athletes back in the day,

Speaker 1 you know, there's a zillion on Larry Bird and Magic and all of that, and Jordan, and all of that shit. I'm telling you that you got to do those other guys.

Speaker 1 Dude, Andrew Fucking Tony, before the three-point line, with his low-cut Converse All-Stars, he was wearing the leather Dr. J's.
When that guy fucking heated up,

Speaker 1 he was unconscious. It was like watching the goddamn Globetrotters in the NBA.
It's like, that's not going in. Swish.

Speaker 1 Here's another one. Swish.
And there was like no three-point line for like like the majority of his career.

Speaker 1 Number 22,

Speaker 1 I believe.

Speaker 1 And that's also another one of those rivalries that kind of gets swept under the rug. Like everybody, you know, they do the series.
It's always like the fucking Celtics and the Lakers.

Speaker 1 You know, you know what the independent movie of the Boston Celtics is?

Speaker 1 You know, like the Celtics, Lakers, that's like the Marvel, that's like a Marvel movie. But the fucking Celtics versus the 76ers

Speaker 1 in the early 80s when we came back down from 3-1 and almost did it two years in a row. But the second year, Dr.
J had Moses Malone, Julius Jams Jinx, cover Sports Illustrated,

Speaker 1 and

Speaker 1 they came back and beat us. And then also, I've never seen him do something.
The 83-76ers almost went undefeated through the fucking playoffs. So I must have that year wrong.

Speaker 1 Because I remember they asked Moses Malone, what's your prediction

Speaker 1 for the playoffs? And he said, faux, faux, faux, which means we're going to sweep fucking, maybe it was four rounds. I forget how many fucking rounds there were, but they were just.

Speaker 1 I've always said I would put the 83 Sixers up against the 96

Speaker 1 Chicago Bulls.

Speaker 1 In a second, I'll take Moses Malone underneath against Luke Longley, and Dr. J

Speaker 1 would it would have done at least three quarters of fucking what

Speaker 1 Michael was going to do and then you had Andrew Toney to match whatever Pippen's doing.

Speaker 1 I don't know. I mean that would be a great fucking series.
I'm just all I'm saying is it's not a foregone conclusion who would have won that thing.

Speaker 1 Anyway,

Speaker 1 I got a ton of energy, man. I've got a good night's sleep and I'm still flying from that Thursday night show.
And Patty,

Speaker 1 what else? Oh, so game two, the Yankees lose. So now the Lakers are up two games to none.
Lakers, the fuck

Speaker 1 the Dodgers are up two games to none. Now,

Speaker 1 oh, by the way, I did love when

Speaker 1 Freddie hit the walk-off home run, and then they immediately played. I love LA.
I love LA, right?

Speaker 1 Which is a song by Randy Newman, and I think he's low-key making fun of the city, which I just think is the funniest shit ever. And people, all they hear is, I love L.A.

Speaker 1 The same way New York is here. If I can wake up in a city, and it's like, dude, that song's not about you.
It's about someone who doesn't live in New York moving there.

Speaker 1 Are you listening to what you're singing?

Speaker 1 But I just love that they immediately played it before we even got to fucking first base. It's the funniest shit ever because then I knew it was annoying Yankee fans, right?

Speaker 1 I'm just a cunt on the sideline.

Speaker 1 My fucking Red Sox were like 81 and 81 this year. Oh, well, win some, lose some.
Something like that.

Speaker 1 But anyway, what I do love, though, is whenever New York plays LA is that East Coast mentality. Boston does it too, where they think LA is soft.

Speaker 1 is fucking hilarious because they base it on Hollywood. They base it if they see like the Emmys or the Grammys and they think that that's what Los Angeles is,

Speaker 1 it isn't. So if you're from the East Coast, if you want to talk shit and say LA is soft, do yourself a favor.
Do that,

Speaker 1 do that just in Hollywood.

Speaker 1 I'm not defending LA. This is just a travel tip.
I am do not say that anywhere else. I wouldn't say that at the Staples Center.

Speaker 1 I certainly would not say that at the in the bleachers in Dodger Stadium. I would not fucking do that.
I would not even wear a different team's fucking jersey.

Speaker 1 Yeah, you don't want to do that shit, all right? Or maybe you do.

Speaker 1 Maybe you're someone who likes to get into a fight and likes to, maybe, maybe you watched enough Steven Seagal movies that you feel like you could win a five-on-one fight.

Speaker 1 Maybe that's who you are. I don't know.
I don't know. But I can tell you, like, what,

Speaker 1 the story on LA, like, did you see that video that went viral?

Speaker 1 where there was that LA guy, and he's like, you know, I tried to, I went like into like a deli and I asked for like a scooped-out bagel with fucking, you know, gluten-free cream cheese.

Speaker 1 And the guy was like, oh, get the fuck out of here.

Speaker 1 And he started saying all the shit that the guy said to him. And then the funniest shit is at the end, he goes, well, I guess on to the next one.

Speaker 1 And what I love was New Yorkers, they just love that because that was totally stroking them about how fucking tough they're fucking city, right? And they missed the life lesson in there.

Speaker 1 There's a very subtle life lesson in that video

Speaker 1 where he goes, Well, you know, I guess it's on like he didn't even let it affect him.

Speaker 1 It's just like, well, you know, good luck being angry your whole life. If that's, if that's how you want, if somebody literally comes into your fucking place,

Speaker 1 that's like Philly. You know, you come to Philly, you order, you got to know how to order a fucking cheese.
No, no, I don't. I don't.
Hello, I would like a Philadelphia cheesesteak.

Speaker 1 Just make the fucking thing or if you can't handle that I said Philadelphia or Philly like

Speaker 1 And I didn't say give me one wit one what the fact that I if you're not gonna make the sandwich I don't give a shit. I know that has nothing to do with me, okay?

Speaker 1 Your dad didn't hug you hug you your uncle touched you. I don't know what the fuck it is, but I will another fucking stupid thing out there

Speaker 1 This is tip number two. All right

Speaker 1 Number one It's a bad luck you go on the road and you bring a fucking cupcake. All right.

Speaker 1 You got to bring somebody that's going to push you, somebody that's writing, someone that wants to be you because they're going to push you and it's going to make you better. All right.

Speaker 1 And then

Speaker 1 tip number two: that fucking East Coast thing, you got to keep your edge. You don't have to keep your edge.
You need to fucking lighten up. All right.
You're exhausting to the people around you.

Speaker 1 Okay?

Speaker 1 You see that sad look on your wife's face? That's from you.

Speaker 1 so maybe every once in a while scoop out a bagel for some blonde highlighted fucking surfing cunt from la

Speaker 1 and just move on with your day

Speaker 1 or don't maybe you don't maybe maybe you know maybe you want to fucking

Speaker 1 yeah you

Speaker 1 get some tickets and fucking in in the bleachers at dodger stadium all right

Speaker 1 we'll see We'll see how that goes.

Speaker 1 Or maybe we won't. This is the new me.
I'm just whatever.

Speaker 1 Maybe we won't. Maybe

Speaker 1 you'll fucking go out there and at the last second you'll come to your senses and be like, you know what?

Speaker 1 I like

Speaker 1 being concussed-free.

Speaker 1 I think my body has enough holes in it.

Speaker 1 So, anyway, I'm going to be watching

Speaker 1 game three.

Speaker 1 And there's a couple things that I hope here. I hope that the Yankees win because I want to see seven games.
And I also hope that Aaron Judge does something because

Speaker 1 I hate the way Yankee fans get on their players. You know what I mean?

Speaker 1 They go fucking extra. They go like

Speaker 1 they do, they can't handle the big stage.

Speaker 1 Yeah, what fucking big stage are you on? The fuck are you doing?

Speaker 1 Other than booing people infinitely more talented than you. All right, Bill, let it go.
All right.

Speaker 1 That was fun, man. I could go on and on with cunty little fucking asides about Los Angeles and New York, even though I've lived in both cities.
This is the thing.

Speaker 1 I've lived in both cities, and I do love both cities.

Speaker 1 Except when sports are on. When sports are on, I just become like

Speaker 1 old Billy foaming at the mouth.

Speaker 1 But I am smart enough to not watch these games in front of my kids.

Speaker 1 I told you guys,

Speaker 1 I didn't watch one second of the NBA Finals and my team won it. I just knew.
I was just like, my kids are here. They're not going to understand what's going to be happening.

Speaker 1 They're going to think this is real, other than one of the most ridiculous behaviors you've ever seen by an adult.

Speaker 1 It's so stupid. Me and Versee have this conversation all the time.
Like, why do we care? Why do we care?

Speaker 1 Like, he was telling me

Speaker 1 on one of those first two games.

Speaker 1 You know, that after the game, he was sick.

Speaker 1 And this is the thing you've got to know about Versey. When he says that, he's not lying.

Speaker 1 He's not speaking and like, you know, he's not exaggerating. Like, that's how much he fucking cares.

Speaker 1 But we've had that conversation a number of times.

Speaker 1 Why do I give a fuck so much? I'm one race behind Moto GP.

Speaker 1 And oh, here's the one. On my flight back from

Speaker 1 Paris, I watched that movie, Amsterdam, and I loved it.

Speaker 1 I think that's all I got. And then, other than that, I was just sort of practicing my French.
I'm like fucking addicted to it.

Speaker 1 I got that little, I got that little fucking heroin high Thursday night of the bit working. So, anyway, let's let's plow ahead.

Speaker 1 Oh, by the way, this weekend, coming up, November 3rd, I'm gonna be at Comics Come Home

Speaker 1 with Dennis Leary,

Speaker 1 Cam Neely,

Speaker 1 Lenny Clack, Bobby Kelly. Who the hell else is on it?

Speaker 1 I don't remember.

Speaker 1 It's always a great lineup and always a great cause. It promotes the Cam Neely house,

Speaker 1 which gives people a place to stay that feels like home while they're battling cancer. It's just really one of the nicest charities anybody's ever come up with.

Speaker 1 And I love doing it. So November 3rd at the TD Bank North Garden.
All right. Okay.
With that,

Speaker 1 let's do the

Speaker 1 reads for the week. Policy Genius.
You know, the heart of the holidays. You know, you know what I need to do? This is, this is, I need to fucking make my cell phone screen a little brighter.

Speaker 1 Well, Bill, why don't you try that with your personality? Oh, come on.

Speaker 1 I'm all right, aren't I? Here we go. All right, there we go.
Now, now, now it's all clear. All right.
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Speaker 1 who left five-star reviews on Google and TrustPilot.

Speaker 1 It's the only place I ever hear that TrustPilot. I've actually used it as a reference when doing stand-up trust pilot.

Speaker 1 Where the hell am I?

Speaker 1 Secure your families tomorrow so you have peace of mind today.

Speaker 1 That's pretty pathetic. Pathetic.
Pretty poetic. Secure

Speaker 1 your families tomorrow so you have peace of mind today. It's a little wordy.

Speaker 1 Secure your families tomorrow

Speaker 1 with peace of mind today. That's how they should have done it.

Speaker 1 And have some old fucking semi-retired actor delivered to you who still has a full head of hair. You know, and that glint in his eyes.

Speaker 1 Head to policygenius.com/slash burr or click the link in the description to get your free life insurance quotes and see how much you could save. That's policygenius.com/slash Bill Burr.

Speaker 1 Wait, is that all I have? Give it up for Chicago.

Speaker 2 Sebastian Meniscalco's new stand-up special, It Ain't Right, is coming to Hulu on November 21st.

Speaker 1 30 years ago, Jeff Bezos, complete nerd. Bezos now ripped to shreds on his super yacht and the boxes keep coming.

Speaker 2 Sebastian Maniscalco, It Ain't Right. Premieres November 21st, streaming on Hulu and Hulu on Disney Plus for bundle subscribers.
Terms apply.

Speaker 1 Am I pissing off ever? I probably am. Jesus Christ.

Speaker 1 Well, you know, I'm not fucking looking. Oh, should I be a professional, Bill? Could you just look? I feel like there was more than that.

Speaker 1 Live read. Oh, one read.

Speaker 1 One read or another. I'm going to find you.

Speaker 1 All right, that's it. Okay, let's get into it.

Speaker 1 All right, well, let's get into the

Speaker 1 Let's get into the goddamn

Speaker 1 questions you guys have. By the way,

Speaker 1 I saw Amsterdam. I watched it.
It was all in French, and I understood a lot of it. So now I have to go back and watch it in English because I want to.
There's so many amazing actors in it.

Speaker 1 I want to see

Speaker 1 their performances.

Speaker 1 And that's some, you know, no disrespect to the French.

Speaker 1 You know, maybe next time I go over there,

Speaker 1 I might stay out in the countryside, like outside, because in Paris enough people speak English.

Speaker 1 Oh, dude, I gotta tell you this fucking hilarious story. I was in this,

Speaker 1 I was in this

Speaker 1 this this cafe right my wife and we're fucking

Speaker 1 ordering food and i'm speaking french and i'm trying you know whatever and the guy's being cool and the waiter is like really funny he's like silly i'm like this guy's a cool guy i got a couple extra tickets at night so i invite the guy to the show i go hey uh i go i'm a stand-up comedian i'm here from america i'm doing three shows at the apollo which that sounds impressive in my world

Speaker 1 and uh

Speaker 1 this is like the most Parisian fucking moment, right? And he's like, none and everything.

Speaker 1 I said, hey, if you and a friend want to come down, you know, come down to see the show, I can hook you up with tickets. You know, I'm there tonight, tomorrow, and Thursday.

Speaker 1 And he just, I go, you want to come down? He's like,

Speaker 1 no.

Speaker 1 I'm like, no, he's like, no. He's like, you know,

Speaker 1 whatever. Yeah.

Speaker 1 I forget how he said it. He was saying in French that I worked from nine to nine,

Speaker 1 you know,

Speaker 1 you know, jai jai etre, attrava, a nouvea, blah, blah, blah, whatever the fuck he was saying. And I'm going, all right, well, um, maitre di soi, je di soi,

Speaker 1 thinking, you know, this guy doesn't work every day. And he was just like, yeah, no.

Speaker 1 It was fucking,

Speaker 1 it was fucking awesome because

Speaker 1 I've met a bunch of people in my life that say they don't give a fuck.

Speaker 1 You know? And what I found is people who walk around saying they don't give a fuck,

Speaker 1 sometimes they're just egomaniacs. And other times it's to hide the fact that they really do give a fuck.
But this guy did not give a fuck. It was legit

Speaker 1 like pure cocaine. This was pure not giving a fuck.
He did not give a fuck. And at no point did he have to say, because you know me,

Speaker 1 I gives no fucks. There was none of that.

Speaker 1 There was none of that. He didn't have to say he didn't give a fuck.
He was,

Speaker 1 I don't give a fuck. It was, it was, it was perfect.
You were just like, that's that. There you go.

Speaker 1 It's like listening to like 10 people fucking, you go to 10 concerts and people are singing along with tapes or whatever the recordings or auto-tune or whatever the fuck it is they're doing.

Speaker 1 And then you actually go out and see somebody sing live into a mic. You're like, there it is.

Speaker 1 That's the real deal right there. So shout out to him.
All right. Exercise options.

Speaker 1 By the way, my Patriots beat the Jets.

Speaker 1 I almost went 0-4.

Speaker 1 I've been just betting against the Patriots every fucking week. It's the only way I can watch them.

Speaker 1 So it's like either I win a little money or they win the fucking game. And they won the goddamn game.

Speaker 1 Jesus Christ, the wheels. The wheels.
Were the wheels ever on? I don't even know. I I don't even know.
I don't understand.

Speaker 1 I don't understand firing your fucking head coach in the middle of the goddamn season and you don't have a replacement.

Speaker 1 And obvious, this guy is head and shoulders above this other guy so he can get out of Aaron Rodgers and all the money that we've spent. Get us on the right track.
They are a fucking headless.

Speaker 1 Yeah, that's just a headless body

Speaker 1 running around, bumping into walls at this point.

Speaker 1 All right, exercise options.

Speaker 1 Hey, Bill,

Speaker 1 like you, I'm a middle-aged dude with two kids and some on and off issues as the years roll on.

Speaker 1 I had an Achilles repair, Jesus, a few years ago and some joint pain being the vintage classic that I am. Well, just be happy that your Achilles was only a couple years ago.

Speaker 1 Dude, that used to just take guys out. You were done.

Speaker 1 You never ran again. When I was a kid,

Speaker 1 these guys would play basketball.

Speaker 1 And back back then like if you played full court hoop till about 35 36 37 it's just like a dad and there was no information about stretching or anything like that you blew out your achilles that was it you never ran again um

Speaker 1 earlier this year i discovered pilates pilates and it's been great oh you know i tried that a long time ago presuming you haven't gone this route it's a good full-body workout focused on stretching joint health and core work there are a variety variety of routines for specific areas of the body, and the crowd is generally older, so the instructors are used to tailoring the exercises.

Speaker 1 If you haven't tried it, discuss with your physician to see if it might be a good fit. I like the disclaimer.
Look at you. Have you been sued before? If you haven't tried it, it wasn't you should.

Speaker 1 Discuss it with your physician.

Speaker 1 I'm not gonna lie that some of the movements are yoga-like and a tad feminine. Oh, Jesus Christ.
What are you twerking?

Speaker 1 It's weighted twerking. It's manly.
But at this point, what do we care exactly? Huge long-time fan of the podcast who appreciates the laughs every week on this and anything better

Speaker 1 and anything better.

Speaker 1 Best of luck in Paris and all the best to Nia and the kids.

Speaker 1 Yeah, I would.

Speaker 1 I would definitely consider doing that.

Speaker 1 Oh, I don't know. I'm a child of the fucking 80s,

Speaker 1 you know? So

Speaker 1 I just, I still have the dumbbells and the flat bench. But I will say, I definitely stretch.

Speaker 1 I do all my yoga stretches. I don't necessarily sit down and do like a yoga class.
I just run through the stretches before I work out. And that kind of works for me.

Speaker 1 I just don't

Speaker 1 have.

Speaker 1 I don't know. I'm a little scatterbrained.
I somehow got super fucking busy,

Speaker 1 As you'll see in the next few weeks, when I'm talking on this thing,

Speaker 1 I probably need to slow down.

Speaker 1 Quiet the mind, as they say.

Speaker 1 Anyway, neighbor's dog. Dear Bill, just looking for some advice.
Anyways,

Speaker 1 I have a question regarding neighborhood dogs. I live in Iowa, the place you'll soon move to when L.A.
gets too hot for your freckled ass.

Speaker 1 Sorry, Jesus Christ.

Speaker 1 I love that joke. The place you'll move to when LA gets too hot for your freckled ass.
Like, this whole fucking idea that people have that they're living on a different earth and that

Speaker 1 global warming, that all of these sociopath corporations, as nobody takes responsibility and everybody puts one toe on the gas pedal towards complete fucking oblivion,

Speaker 1 it's going to affect all of you guys. And I can tell you something, what I like about living out here, as hot as it fucking gets, and you know, and all they show is the fires on fucking,

Speaker 1 there's not a lot of shit to burn down. It's a fucking desert.
I'll tell you right now, when this weather hits the east coast with all those fucking pine trees,

Speaker 1 you know, good luck jumping in that boiling fucking lake of yours.

Speaker 1 I'm telling you, I think this is like Vegas. Everybody forever has been predicting the giant earthquake out here, and we're going to fall in the fucking ocean.
And that's where all the money's laying.

Speaker 1 See, Vegas doesn't lose. So I like my chances out here.

Speaker 1 And also, I think a bunch of people are going to pussy out and leave, which is going to fucking open up the freeways, which is worth, you know, burning to death someday.

Speaker 1 Anyways, he goes, I go walking with my dog in the evening around the neighborhood. I've been having an issue with two dogs, a German shepherd and some large mixed breed running at me and my dog.

Speaker 1 Just for reference, I have a calm, obedient golden retriever, or at least it's a bigger dog, on leash, walking right beside me on the opposite side of the street.

Speaker 1 On three occasions now, both dogs came bolting across the street, barking aggressively at my dog and myself.

Speaker 1 Every time the owner has been outside in La Lanland, fucking Dimwit doesn't seem to think it's a big deal.

Speaker 1 My dog has been attacked and bitten before and required stitches, so she gets afraid when this occurs. Yeah, that's not a good vibe.

Speaker 1 Um,

Speaker 1 well, you can, I don't know, claim the space. Check with your physician and see if it's okay for you to claim the space, take a step towards him or whatever.
Maybe get him to stop.

Speaker 1 I don't fucking know.

Speaker 1 Anyways, he says, I let it go the first two times, and on the third time, I mentioned that it keeps happening, and I'm not happy. The dogs have even run at us two houses away on different streets.

Speaker 1 Yeah, Yeah, they're getting more confidence, it seems. It happened again just a few nights ago, and one tried biting my dog.
Yes, so that's gonna, that's it. The situation is escalating.

Speaker 1 I tried booting them away with my foot and yelled at the owner who got the dogs in his yards. I then blew up at this piece of shit.
You know what? Good for you.

Speaker 1 Good for you.

Speaker 1 That's called for. If he's fucking standing out there and not doing anything, lots of cursing and said if it happened again, I'm calling the cops.

Speaker 1 I was so pissed and just wanted to bitch slap this dude.

Speaker 1 I know it's not the dog's fault and that it's the owner who's a piece of shit.

Speaker 1 I walk this route because this asshole lives on the opposite side of the horseshoe, and it's the easiest route back to my house. Anyway, where do I go from here?

Speaker 1 I doubt calling and reporting will do anything. Do I just walk a different route and forget about it? I have kids, and if I was walking with them, who knows if they would nip at them.

Speaker 1 I have to imagine this is happening to other people, too. I love dogs, but these dogs haven't been around other dogs and seem aggressive towards us.
What would Bill Burr do?

Speaker 1 You know what I would do at my age? I would walk the other way.

Speaker 1 I would walk the other way because you seem like you're the kind of guy that would fucking slap somebody.

Speaker 1 The fact that you're fucking kicking a German shepherd, trying to kick him with your foot,

Speaker 1 you've had fights before, you have balls, you're not afraid of getting hurt, and you have a fucking temper. So, and this guy's a piece of shit.

Speaker 1 So, what I have found in life life is that the law protects pieces of shit all the way

Speaker 1 from, you know,

Speaker 1 billionaire corporate cunts who don't even fucking pay taxes

Speaker 1 and fuck over the working man, but somehow then become their savior.

Speaker 1 Sorry.

Speaker 1 I had to do one political joke.

Speaker 1 Not saying that the other side, everybody, oh, there's a clear fucking good person. What, the one that's going to be a puppet for these corporations and keep fucking you know warmongering

Speaker 1 we're so fucked we're so fucked she's going to keep the wars going and trump's not going to be able to stop them but what these are not choices

Speaker 1 these are just ideologies wrapped in the color of ties anyway um

Speaker 1 you got to cut the head off the fucking snake That's what you got to do, which I don't know how to do it because all of these politicians are in fucking bed with them. Anyway, back to the dogs.

Speaker 1 Who let the dogs out? Sorry.

Speaker 1 It has been my experience, like, you know,

Speaker 1 I've had people steal money from me like you can't even, like in business deals, like you cannot fucking believe. Like you cannot fucking believe.

Speaker 1 And I'm like, I'm going to fucking tell everybody in town that this person's a fucking thief. And you know what my lawyer says? He goes, be careful with that.
And I said, why?

Speaker 1 He goes, because it's much easier to prove defamation of character and slander than it is to prove that somebody stole from you. How fucked up is that? It's right there on the paper.

Speaker 1 But they can make up a false fucking cost report and explain away everything that they just fucking did.

Speaker 1 But if you walk around and just try to warn somebody, hey, watch out for that guy, it's like, yeah, that's listen.

Speaker 1 Laws are made by thieves to protect thieves, certain thieves, rich, rich thieves, and pieces of shit.

Speaker 1 I don't, there goes that fucking theory, because they would protect this guy. Because what's going to happen is

Speaker 1 you're going going to lose your fucking temper, is what's going to happen. And you know what's going to happen? You know what's going to happen in this situation if you keep going that way?

Speaker 1 What's going to happen is what should fucking happen.

Speaker 1 Is what should happen. Is that guy should get the fucking shit slapped out of him?

Speaker 1 Okay?

Speaker 1 And you should fucking blow out the Achilles on that fucking German Shepherd so he has second thoughts next time you come up there. That's what should happen.

Speaker 1 That's what, in a perfect world, that is what happens.

Speaker 1 And then the piece of shit goes, oh, I deserved that bodily harm. Oh, my dog has a busted fucking leg now because I was an irresponsible person.

Speaker 1 I need to not only get my shit together, I should go over and apologize to the guy who had to deal with my fucking ignorance. But that's not how the world works.
So what I would do,

Speaker 1 because I can tell you this, that the second you leave, that guy's not thinking about you. And this is causing you all kinds of fucking stress.

Speaker 1 This is the worst.

Speaker 1 One of the hardest things in life of being a man is having to be the bigger man. You got to be the bigger man.

Speaker 1 And what you have to do is take comfort in the fact that you're not a piece of shit and that that guy is a piece of shit.

Speaker 1 Now, I'm not going to bring you into fairy tale land where I'm going to say, like, believe me, that guy's a piece of shit. And someday he's going to get his.

Speaker 1 That's not what happens. They don't get theirs.

Speaker 1 Sometimes they do, but most of the times they don't. But

Speaker 1 that dude is a fucking Rubik's Cube.

Speaker 1 Okay? Unless you're a fucking, you know, one of these kids online that can solve it in eight seconds. Like, it's just, it's not, that's not a solvable fucking thing.

Speaker 1 And

Speaker 1 if you just go the other fucking route, you're not going to end up in court. Because I feel like the way you wrote that, you're going to end up in court.
But

Speaker 1 know this, you're 100% right on everything that you want to do, but just don't do it.

Speaker 1 Just go the other way. Just go the other way.

Speaker 1 Yeah, just go the other way.

Speaker 1 Maybe if you want to do anything, maybe file an official complaint. So if something happens to somebody else out there, there will be record that this guy had been warned about his dogs.

Speaker 1 I wouldn't go any further than that. All right.

Speaker 1 Oh, God.

Speaker 1 Can Quentin Tarantino do like, you know, he does like how he does like those revenge movies. Can he write a fucking movie just about somebody doing that?

Speaker 1 Except they fucking get away with it. I guess he did with Once Upon a Time in Hollywood when he killed the whole fucking Manson family.

Speaker 1 Because they were a bunch of lazy fucking hippies who didn't want to work. I just loved that that was the underlying message of that.

Speaker 1 At least that's what I got out of it.

Speaker 1 Great friends,

Speaker 1 except one. Hey, Billy.
Billy Baldsack, longtime listener.

Speaker 1 Listener,

Speaker 1 he writes, here, and a huge fan. No other comedian has me on the verge of pissing myself with his or her jokes.
Oh, thank you. Keep up the great work.
I have a little dilemma here.

Speaker 1 My wife and I, my lady and I, just moved here to the States and left a really tight group of friends who all stayed in Chile.

Speaker 1 He writes, South America, I specifically. I specify because most people don't even know that country even exists.
No, we know that.

Speaker 1 Well, I can't say all of us, but we know, we know that.

Speaker 1 There's other ones where you'd start to get confused.

Speaker 1 But not Chile. Let me see.

Speaker 1 How many can I name South America? Brazil, Venezuela, Colombia, Ecuador, Chile, Argentina, Belize,

Speaker 1 Paraguay,

Speaker 1 Galapagos Islands, and then the worst named of all time, Turks and Caicos. Is that part of you guys? I don't know.
There you go.

Speaker 1 I know that from watching soccer,

Speaker 1 Formula One, Moto GP, and watching the Mussad hunting down Nazis.

Speaker 1 That's how I learned

Speaker 1 the little knowledge I have. Oh, and ACDC.

Speaker 1 ACDC going down there.

Speaker 1 Okay, anyway. Anyway,

Speaker 1 yeah, that's got to be brutal. Not only are you leaving your country, your language, your tradition, your culture, you're leaving your friends and family.

Speaker 1 Anyways, this hurt like a bitch, and in our 40s, it can be hard to make new friends.

Speaker 1 To make a long story short, we have made a nice group of Latino friends from different countries, mainly Colombians, Dominican Republic, Uruguay, I forgot that one, and a Peruvian.

Speaker 1 They're all awesome people except for the fucking Peruvian. Oh boy.

Speaker 1 Peruvians apparently hate Chileans because Chile has done better economically and culturally, not to mention that historically Peru allied with Bolivia and attacked Chile in the 1800s, but Chile handed both countries their asses back.

Speaker 1 That's the reason why.

Speaker 1 You sounded like an American. Like, why does the Middle East hate? Oh, the Middle East doesn't like us because they're jealous of our blue jeans and our fucking freedom? It's like, I think it might be

Speaker 1 a little bit more than that. I think something else happened.
All right, so you guys had a fight.

Speaker 1 Peru

Speaker 1 allied with Bolivia and attacked Chile in the 1800s.

Speaker 1 There's a movie I'd like to see. Wait a minute.
Can you recommend? Is there a movie that I can watch? I'm sure you guys made a movie about it.

Speaker 1 But Chile handed both countries their asses back to them and even took Peru's capital and then gave it back. Oh my god.

Speaker 1 That's like the war version of indecent proposal.

Speaker 1 Robert Redford bangs Demi Moore and he goes, all right, here you go. Take your fucking money.

Speaker 1 This Peruvian dick loves to fuck with me in front of everyone and always talk shit about Chile and Chile.

Speaker 1 You can't have that. I'm using a good sport and just laugh and fuck around back, but it's gotten to the point where he literally only fucks with me all right

Speaker 1 i already have i already have my advice on top of that he constantly praises and sweet talks my wife who's argentinian in front of me and everyone else while simultaneously talking shit to me and everyone else but constantly says shit like here's a special drink for a special lady oh he says his wife's name

Speaker 1 Or yay, happy birthday to the beautiful, blah, blah, blah, and many other things that make that ugly, oompa-lumpa-looking piece of shit seem like he has the hots for.

Speaker 1 All right, we got the fact that he's ugly.

Speaker 1 You know, and your wife's from Argentina, so she's got to be gorgeous.

Speaker 1 Am I overreacting? Should I call him out on it in front of everyone or privately? Should I just do what my wife says and just ignore him, even though he never stops?

Speaker 1 I'm usually pretty chill and not jealous.

Speaker 1 Homeboy is half my size and ugly as anal hairs but it's really getting on my nerve love everything you do lots of love to you your beautiful family and go fuck yourself um yeah you need i i would take this guy aside

Speaker 1 i would take him aside take him out for take the little shit out for an ice cream

Speaker 1 let him sit on the big boy stool i would just say to him like uh

Speaker 1 hey man i just want to like just check on you you know you say a lot of crazy stuff to me and i'm I'm just making sure you're still joking. Are you still joking?

Speaker 1 And you'll be like, oh, yeah, yeah, yeah, I'm just joking. All right, I'm just checking, because sometimes it sounds like you're not.

Speaker 1 Oh, no, no, bro, bro, we're cool, and it'll fucking, you know, shake your hand in some fancy fucking way that my people, you know, me specifically, don't understand.

Speaker 1 And then

Speaker 1 you got to bring up your wife. Okay.

Speaker 1 So does that also go for the things that you say to my wife?

Speaker 1 You know, you're just sort of overly complimenting her all the time.

Speaker 1 You know?

Speaker 1 Just to let you know, even if your wife was pretty, I wouldn't be talking to her like that. No, you can't say that.

Speaker 1 Yeah,

Speaker 1 this guy, I don't like this guy. I know it's just your description, but like, there's always got to be one.
There's always got to be one who doesn't know where the line is.

Speaker 1 I love your wife, by the way. Just ignore him.
Like, if there was some chick acting like a cunt from her, to her, and it was driving her nuts, and your advice was just ignore her.

Speaker 1 Oh, my God.

Speaker 1 She would be like, can you be there for me? I mean, what the fuck?

Speaker 1 Or,

Speaker 1 or, or,

Speaker 1 give you some options here.

Speaker 1 When he starts talking shit about your country, just say whatever his name is. Just be like, listen, I'm sorry you're short.

Speaker 1 Okay?

Speaker 1 I don't know what was in the water. I don't know what happened.
Okay? I'm sorry.

Speaker 1 I'm sorry. I'm taller and better looking than you.

Speaker 1 And I have a beautiful wife. I get it.
I get it. You're an ugly little tribe.
That gets ugly. It gets ugly, literally.

Speaker 1 Maybe

Speaker 1 you just act like you're being nice to them. I love doing shit like this, just sitting around thinking how to fucking get somebody back.

Speaker 1 It's fun.

Speaker 1 Maybe

Speaker 1 you come back at him.

Speaker 1 Yeah, that was a good one there, little fella.

Speaker 1 Passive aggressive. Passive aggressive is fun.

Speaker 1 Oh, who made a joke? Who's a big boy? Did you put on your big boy pants today there, buddy? I know, there's got to be a way

Speaker 1 to just say, look at him. Isn't he growing up so fast?

Speaker 1 I would just talk to him like he's a little kid. No, I think

Speaker 1 try the second option first.

Speaker 1 Just keep talking about his height.

Speaker 1 You know, just do that. Talk about, nah, you know, it's going to fucking escalate.

Speaker 1 I can tell you this: your wife is wrong.

Speaker 1 Your wife is wrong. You can't ignore somebody like that.
You can't ignore somebody complimenting your fucking wife like that, and it doesn't feel right.

Speaker 1 If it doesn't fucking feel right, you gotta fucking say something. Because eventually, what's gonna happen is you're gonna keep your fucking mouth shut, and then you're gonna snap on your wife.

Speaker 1 And then she's gonna forget that she told you, she gave you bad advice.

Speaker 1 And then

Speaker 1 now you got two fucking problems. Your wife's mad at you.

Speaker 1 Oh my God, I hate this little fucking cunt.

Speaker 1 You know what it it is?

Speaker 1 He's fucking doing it in the perfect environment. Your fucking wife's there.
Everybody else is there. So he's getting away with it.
He's getting away with it. Yeah, you got to, you know what?

Speaker 1 Fuck my second idea. Fuck that pet.
You got to take this guy aside. And stay calm.

Speaker 1 And then just tell him. Just say, listen, well,

Speaker 1 I don't want to listen to that stuff anymore. Because it's making me upset.
And I also feel like you're just, just, you know what? Fuck that. Just tell him.

Speaker 1 And I feel like the way you overly compliment my wife is disrespectful to me and disrespectful to her. So I'm asking you nicely to stop doing that.

Speaker 1 And then that's it.

Speaker 1 That's it. That's what I would do.
Tell him, don't ask him. Fuck that shit.
Bad advice. That was the old me three minutes ago.
The new me. Just take the guy aside.
Just say, listen.

Speaker 1 You know, I know we all break balls and all of that stuff, but, you know, the way that you do it to me and you just do it to me specifically, it makes me feel like you have some sort of issue.

Speaker 1 No, no, no, no, no. I don't want to.
I've heard you talk enough.

Speaker 1 Okay?

Speaker 1 I don't want to listen to that stuff anymore. And stop complimenting my wife and telling me that she tells her that she's beautiful.
I don't want to hear that anymore. All right?

Speaker 1 You fucking little shit.

Speaker 1 You keep doing that shit. I'm going to put my foot on top of your head and make you small as that fire hydrant across the street.
Oh, I fucking hate that little cunt.

Speaker 1 Oh, man.

Speaker 1 If I had a dime for every time some midget has been complimenting my wife, no, I'm kidding.

Speaker 1 Imagine if that was a thing. Some little person.

Speaker 1 All right, dump girlfriend or not. Dear Billy Freckled Pubes,

Speaker 1 I'm a 16-year-old from the great. Dumper, you got your whole life ahead of you.
Jesus Christ, that was the easiest one ever. Listen, everybody, that's the podcast.
No, I'm kidding.

Speaker 1 All right, 16-year-old from the great state of Massachusetts, and

Speaker 1 I have a bit of a problem.

Speaker 1 Dude, you are 16 years old living in Massachusetts. You have no fucking problems.

Speaker 1 You just haven't lived enough life. This is easy.
This is a phone call. This is a note stuffed in a locker.
This is a fucking quick conversation

Speaker 1 in a 20-year-old car

Speaker 1 that your dad gave you. Me and my girl have been together now, going on seven months, and we've had our ups and downs, but all is well.
Over the summer, we had a pregnancy scare, and her mom banned.

Speaker 1 Oh, fuck, you're not talking about breaking up with her. Oh, no, sorry.
And her mom banned her.

Speaker 1 Oh, Billy, jumped the gun here. And her mom banned her from coming over to my house.

Speaker 1 This means I'm stuck going over to her house. Let me give you a little visual.
She has two sisters, two dogs, and about nine cats. Let me give you a fucking visual.

Speaker 1 You almost knocked up her fucking daughter, you asshole.

Speaker 1 The fuck is wrong with you?

Speaker 1 Use protection.

Speaker 1 She has two sisters, two dogs, and nights, so fucking break up with this chick.

Speaker 1 Dude, her mom is not the issue.

Speaker 1 Her mom is not the issue. Her mom and stepdad are in the middle of a divorce and a fight non-stop, which brings back bad memories from my childhood.
Ah, Jesus, now I'm feel bad for you again.

Speaker 1 Now, Billy jumping the gun twice. One more time.
Yeah, they take a point away.

Speaker 1 Bill, stop spitting out the the mouthpiece, Bill. Bill, I don't know what to do here.

Speaker 1 Her mom won't let up and just let her come over to my house, and I'm just not happy going over to hers, and I'm running out of places to go to.

Speaker 1 Love the podcast. You've helped me through some dark times.
Ah, Jesus.

Speaker 1 All right, dude. Well, let me tell you some dark times you don't want.
Being a fucking 16-year-old father-to-be.

Speaker 1 All right?

Speaker 1 You're 16 years old.

Speaker 1 I don't know. All you just said was you had a girlfriend.
You never said that you love her to death.

Speaker 1 You never said that this is something special, that I know we're young, and that I didn't hear any of that.

Speaker 1 So,

Speaker 1 I don't know, man. This is a bad time of year to do it, but there's really no good time of year to break up with somebody.
I would just get out of it.

Speaker 1 I would get out of it, and I would. The two biggest things you need to do.
First, the biggest thing you need to do is start wearing a fucking condom.

Speaker 1 All right? The second thing you need to to do is

Speaker 1 I would get out of this.

Speaker 1 Unless you just don't feel comfortable saying that you love this person. I mean if you love him or whatever,

Speaker 1 I don't know what this seems like

Speaker 1 you've dealt with a lot here. Possibly becoming a dad.

Speaker 1 Your parents divorced. This person's divorced.
Two sisters, two dogs, and about nine cats. I mean, I can smell that through my fucking phone.

Speaker 1 Her mom and her stepdad, so she's got some sort of trauma going on. She keeps picking these assholes.

Speaker 1 I don't know what to do here. Mom won't let up and just let me come.
Well, her mom, listen, her mom is not the problem. Have you ever apologized to her mom for almost knocking up her daughter?

Speaker 1 Not to mention, she knows you're fucking her daughter. I mean, that relationship is over.

Speaker 1 Like, even if you fucking married her, she would have to wait to you'd have to be like 34 before before she'd be like, all right, I guess he is a good guy, especially with her track record with men.

Speaker 1 I'm not going to lie to you, dude. You got yourself in a situation here.

Speaker 1 What do you do here? Well, it doesn't sound like you want to break up with her.

Speaker 1 So don't. If you don't want to break up with her, don't break up with her.

Speaker 1 And wear a condom. So those are the two biggest things.
So then all you got to worry about is,

Speaker 1 I mean, can you guys go to the movies?

Speaker 1 I'm running out of places to go to.

Speaker 1 You know what? Have you thought about talking to your girlfriend?

Speaker 1 And just talked about how it's frustrating and all of that type of shit. I don't know.
I don't know.

Speaker 1 I don't know who's shot on. Dude, this is a tough one, dude.
This is a real tough one because you almost fucking knocked her up.

Speaker 1 So you're kind of

Speaker 1 fighting on one leg here.

Speaker 1 Listen, okay,

Speaker 1 here's a positive way to look at it.

Speaker 1 All right. Her mother's not going to live forever.
No, I'm kidding.

Speaker 1 This is going to pass.

Speaker 1 All right?

Speaker 1 This will pass. You're not going to be in this situation forever.
The rest of your life is not going to involve you going over and trying to have unprotected sex.

Speaker 1 in a cat, in a cat, in a house with nine cats, two dogs, and a divorce going on. All right.
This is just a period of time in your life, and you kind of got to see if, you know,

Speaker 1 if you can stick this out. Like,

Speaker 1 how does your girlfriend feel about it? I think you guys really need to talk about this.

Speaker 1 You vented to me. I said some funny shit, but at the end of the day, you got to talk to her about it and just tell her how you're feeling.

Speaker 1 And if she gets upset, just be like, all right, I get what I said upset you, but like, I'm also just being honest with how I'm feeling and don't don't get upset too. Like, what the fuck?

Speaker 1 I can't fucking tell you how I'm fucking feeling. You know, you can't do that.
You just

Speaker 1 gotta just gotta let them do what they're gonna do.

Speaker 1 All right, that is the podcast. Those are great questions this week.

Speaker 1 Fucking brain is tired on a couple of those. Oh, Billy jumping the gun.
Maybe I should read the whole fucking thing, but that's not what I do. That's not what I do.

Speaker 1 I just jump to conclusions and try to move forward so I don't have to look what's behind me. All right, that's it.
Go fuck yourselves. I'll check in on you on Thursday.