Thursday Afternoon Monday Morning Podcast 10-24-24

Hey, what's going on? It's Bill Burr, and it's time for the Thursday afternoon, just before Friday, Monday morning podcast, and I'm just checking in on you. Oh, what's going on? I apologize for that Monday morning podcast.
I don't even remember what I said. I was fucking out of it.
I am still here in Paris

and tonight is my last show

at the Apollo

I want to thank everyone that came out the last two nights and that's going to come out tonight I had such a great time crowds were amazing and I was speaking a little bit of French or whatever came up with the bit that i do speaking french which is great uh yeah it was crazy it was like a dream that i've been trying to i've been i was like someday i'm gonna go to paris i'm gonna be able to do my shit in french obviously 99 of it was in english but i was started to fuck around with it and uh i got a lot of compliments

afterwards that i my i was speaking like somebody said like it didn't sound like you just memorize shit it sounded like you know that you were just it was just coming out naturally or whatever so that made me feel really good because that's that's what i'm going for i don't want to just I just want to memorize my act in another language

Anyway

So I got the last show tonight and then I am back to the United States, but I've had such a good fucking time here. And I got to tell you, man, the people out here on the Vespas, because I learned, you know, I was making fun of scooters, but scooters are scooters out here, like the ones that you sort of like you stand up on by yourself.
You know, those ones that the kids just fucking discard like litter. I don't know why they just can't put them in like a nice, neat place.
They got to get they're always like thrown down on the ground. It always looks like there was some fucking, you know, know they were all having a good time and then some somebody with a chainsaw showed up and they all just in a panic leaped off of them there's always like a fucking pile of them and they're filthy fucking filthy like i feel like those things are the new pay phones like someday people are going to be like can you fucking believe like my generation is like you remember pay phones can you believe like i remember when i first moved to new york i was calling the leads like glengarry glenn ross going through roommate finders trying to find a room to rent so i could move to new york city and i used the pay phone in times square right next to the howard johnson's obviously that's the howard johnson motor lodge um that's no longer there and i had the thing up to my fucking ear in times square god knows how many people had used it the other thing is like right near your mouth um i don't know.
But I think like those scooters are like the new thing that you just sort of walk up. I don't know.
Somebody just told me like recently, like, you know, at the gym, there's more bacteria on the fucking dumbbells than there is on a public toilet. They always say than a public toilet.
And I don't believe that. I don't believe that there's more germs on a dumbbell than there is on a public toilet seat.
And if by more germs, you just mean regular germs. I think the germs people are really concerned about is shit and piss germs.
Because there is no way the public is shitting and pissing into the same fucking bowl. And that has less bacteria than what's on dumbbells.
Unless people are wiping their ass with their fucking hand.

There's always just some new thing to just fucking scare the shit out of you.

I've been going to gyms forever and using those goddamn things. I've never gotten pink eye or anything like that, knock on wood, from going to the gym.
So it's just like, I get it. Everybody's using it.
but I mean, is there more on like a fucking dumbbell than there is on any door handle walking into a fucking store at that point? I don't know. They're always doing shit like that.
And they're always doing shit like that. And somebody is always shitting on a great TV show.
Nia was reading this review where this person was just ripping the penguin.

You know?

And I get it. Okay, you want to say, alright,

the mob thing's been done a thousand times?

Alright, I'll go with that.

But he didn't even give it up for Colin

Farrell's performance. He's like, oh,

he's just doing, like, fucking

Al Pacino, De Niro, and

Gandolfini. Oh, he's just sort of doing

an amalgam of the three fucking greatest actors of the last fucking 50 years. Is that just what he's doing? You know? He's fucking critics.
It's like, what is it? Can you enjoy anything? Does anything make you... You know what they like? You know what they like? They like shit that nobody knows about.
That's what they like. Oh, you're watching the Penguin.
That sucks. Have you seen the fucking sorcerer? No, I haven't seen that super here.
What's the sorcerer? Oh, it's only available in Croatia. Ah, that's why you like it.
So now we have to listen to you sit here at the table talking about a fuck. You just fucking like it cuts over there.
But I can tell you right now the fucking croatian cunt version of you is in croatia right now shitting on the sorcerer saying that they like the penguin better but then again it's all streaming right so we're all kind of getting the same shows see i got some sleep look at my add's back I'm all over the fucking road here.

La rue.

So anyway, I've been here for the last few days and just been having the best time.

And other than when we locked ourselves out of our apartment.

It's so funny, like the things that you know how to do in your country and then you get here and you just completely fuck them up. You know what I mean? Because it's all just like a little different.
Like how the fuck do I turn on the faucet? How do I turn on the light? Where do you flush the toilet? How does this fucking door lock? Is it fucking door lock? What am I doing wrong here? It's always just, it's just enough of a little left, a right turn to make you fuck it up and then also like not knowing what shit is i keep seeing these green crosses over here and i keep thinking it's a weed store it's a pharmacy um and i learned over here that the pharmacists are actual like sort of low-level doctors unlike in the United States, when you go into a pharmacy and they wear the doctor coat, but they really just sort of weigh pills, put them in a jar like this. they're somewhere like i think they're one level above a hygienist.
Or maybe a dental assistant, which I used to be. Contrary to my Wikipedia page that for years suggested that I was a dental hygienist.
And I never corrected it because I loved that it said that. Because then people would be like, it says there you were a hygienist.
I'd be like, does what was that like i was never a hygienist but but it but it says it right here oh you mean on that fucking site that anybody can just write anything but it says it on the internet um you don't be incredible what if what if human beings just had an inability to lie and then had the ability to say you know what i don't know the answer to that what what would the world be like i bet there'd be a lot less websites on the internet the internet would be like when we first got cable not first got when there was like 40 to 80 chance i'd say when it got to 100 channels um believe it or not when it got up to 100 channels people that were old when i was young were like flipping out you know and bruce springstesteen sang a song, you know, about how there's a hundred channels, but nothing's on. And, um, which I thought was, you know, sort of misdirected sadness.
It's like, Bruce, aren't you really sad because of something that happened when you were a kid? Is it really the TV's fault? Were you happier when there was just three channels? I mean, if I look at your body of work, you've kind of been sad for quite a while. It never mattered how many channels there were.
Oh, look at me, acting like the guy who reviewed the Penguin. You know what it is? Critics make you feel dumb.
Like, you go, go i really like this and then somebody in like a newspaper goes this has got to be the dumbest shit for mouth-breathing fucking morons i've ever they don't say all that but that's what they're saying and you're just reading it like but but i liked it but my brain saw it and said it was good. Anyway, I'm sticking by that show.
I absolutely love it. So anyway, I've been over here.
And I swear to God, if I was over here for three months, three months, I always say this.

I just don't have the time.

If I had three months, I could get it down.

What is going on here?

I could get it down.

Please tell me it recorded all of that.

I hope it recorded all of that.

It just said low battery.

And I'm only 10 minutes in. Did I only do 10 minutes? Well, you know, whatever.
You heard it or you didn't. If I just jumped from one subject to another, that's not my usual AD.
It was letting me know that I had a low battery. Interrupting the recording just to let you know.
That's the phone version of when you're asleep on a plane and the stewardess comes over and wakes you up. That always happens on the international flight.
They wake you up. Excuse me, sir, would you like some breakfast? I was sleeping.
I get it, though, because they've got to plan how many of these things they have to heat up or whatever. We were talking about that last night.
Bianca Cristobal is over here who's been fucking murdering, and her act is at a whole other level. She's literally becoming the comic that I knew she was going to be the first time I saw her.
Like, I swear to God, I could have been a fucking manager in this business. Like, I can see a comic really early on.
And I'm batting about, say, 88% on that. That they're going to, like, you can just, if someone's going to be really good at this shit, you see it early on.
But then there's all the variables. You know are they gonna work hard are they gonna you know fucking get involved in the uh you know the drugs and all of that shit fuck you know waste all of this time god knows that can fucking happen but if you know if they stay on the straight and narrow which she did all of a sudden you're like there it is like the i've listened to her whole act both nights, you know? And I've heard probably a million hours of stand-up, so it's not something that I always do.
But just what she's talking about is really funny, and it's really interesting, and her perspective is really unique. And even got an old fucking jaded comic like me to sit down and listen.
So anyway, the theater has been great. It's a little 300-seater, and they've had a bunch of comics there.
Chris Rock, Dave Chappelle, Tom Segura. I forget who else, but a lot of American comics have come through.
So it's been really cool to... Cool.
As they say over here. Cool.
Super. Cool.
Fantastic. Not all the French people.
Nobody says that. I get it.
I get get it i did finally get to make fun of how they speak english so on stage and that was very satisfying and of course they fucking laughed um that's what i was saying i was saying you know i spent speaking french all this week and even when you guys switch to english i keep speaking french because if i have to listen to you butchering my language, you're going to have to listen to me. Right.
And then I say, by the way, it's the. Pazzy.
Anyway, what else? What else? Oh, yeah, I've been watching watching the moto gp i'm all caught up on that you know what sucks is i finally found a moto g gp magazine because there's the formula one one and i can get that in the states um because they've really been pushing the sport now that it's been on espn and a lot of people are getting into it i guess this season has been been great because someone asked me going, are you watching it? I go, you know, it was like Lewis Hamilton won everything and I got bored with that. And then Max Verstappen came and he won like 20 races.
Like, what am I doing? You know, I'm just waiting for him to show me fourth and fifth play. They go, no, man, this year has been unbelievable.
And I'm like, fuck. All right.
Maybe that's the thing. If I walk away, it gets good.
Maybe that's what it is. But I've been loving the MotoGP.
Oh, but I never even finished what I was trying to say is the people driving Vespas. Okay.
Just so everybody knows the difference. Not like the scooters that the kids leave laying in the fucking grass.
The Vespas. Those ones.
The motorized ones that can go like 60 miles an hour. The way people fucking drive them over here.
I can't believe I haven't seen at least 10 people die already. They're absolutely fearless.
They talk about people splitting lanes back in the States. But over here, like, you know, they split lanes on the highway.
But like here, it's like it's sort of chaos. Like there's not a lot of lines painted in the roads, I've noticed.
Where it's kind of saying like, OK, this lane's yours. This is mine.
There's sort of a there's a lot of vague areas in the roads and a lot of like rotaries and shit and these fucking guys come flying in with a load of something on the back of it just zipping in and out of it you know i gotta be honest with everyone was freaking out the way tom cruise rode that motorcycle through paris but it's just like dude they closed off the streets for you. I want to see you do it real time.
You know, although I am making fun of a guy that duct taped himself to the side of an airplane. He has to go down in history as far as like the highest paid actor.
Maybe Jackie Chan, because Jackie Chan used to get like fucked up all the time. Remember that the outtakes? He broke his ankle on that jump and then they just made like a fake sneaker that he zipped up over the cast and he just finished the whole movie on like a broken ankle i don't know i think tom cruise is america's jackie chan as far as like like dude you don't have to do that man you're making all of this money um was that one he did he did like a dubai or something he was like he jumped off like the building or something like that like the highest building in the world like what is going through your head when you're in the trailer that day you know knowing full well you could get a stunt man to do it most times i'm just sitting in a trailer with my five lines in the movies going like, please don't let me get fired.

Just I'm doing the lines over and over and over and over again.

And he's in there having to learn lines and jump off a fucking building.

Hey, can you run these lines with me?

I want to make sure I have them down before they duct tape me to the outside of a cargo plane it's amazing um anyway uh i don't have any reads this week do i i don't think i do let's check the email out what does the email say the email says no reads this week. Well, there you go.

All right. Well, so I'm not up on anything that's going on in the States right now.
I've watched a little bit of football. That's about it.
But anyway, I am psyched to get this show. There's these gigs behind me just so I know that they all went well.
and then also that means I can go home and see my kids because I miss them terribly and right before I left I was watching this MotoGP race and my son loves motorcycles what little boy doesn't and he was like curled up next to me and he was putting his cheek against my cheek watching it and I I was just like, I'm leaving this. Why would I do this? Like, you know, and it's just like, well, Bill, because you picked this job before you had kids.
You're too far down the road to become a butcher or whatever the hell I would have done. So anyway, I can't wait to get back to see the two of them and show them all the pictures and everything.
But I'm here for such a short amount of time. I haven't even tried to get acclimated to the time.
So I have yet to go to a boulangerie. Je voudrais un, deux, pan au chocolat avec deux.
What else the fuck do they have over there? I guess I want to get the croissant. Croissant.
Bill butter. I kind of miss doing that.
So, anyway, I'm figuring it out. Sorry, I'm all over the goddamn road did the election happen yet have i missed anything i will tell you this i did see a clip of donald trump in mcdonald's and i think that's the first time i've ever seen him truly happy you know most of the time when a politician you know rolls his sleeves up and does like a fucking regular job.
You know, it's just for the photo op.

But like he was genuinely excited.

Like, oh, is this how they make them?

I eat it every day.

This is like, you know, it's like it was like he looked like he was backstage at ACDC,

like the way I would be like, oh, my God, I can't believe I'm back here.

So you guys just like sit around, you have like tea before you go on. And then you, what song are you opening with? He was just back there like, I like when he put the extra fries in going, whoever gets this one's going to be psyched.
I think he found his calling. It's the first time I've ever seen like the light on in his eyes.
He had like passion.

I think that's where he's supposed to be. Like maybe if his dad understood him more, if his dad understood him more, like maybe he could have just been, hey, listen, dad, you wanted to fucking whatever the fuck his dad did.
You know, whatever Joe Kennedy shit he did to get their fucking fortune.

But he did to get their fucking fortune um but he wanted to please him all he wanted to do was work at McDonald's and just see how that magical food was made um anyway oh god I'm just happy the fucking election almost over. And I am really not looking forward to whoever wins and just listening to everybody on the other side acting like the sky is falling now because their candidate didn't win.
You know, and just ignoring that it doesn't fucking matter. It doesn't fucking matter overall.

Like the ship is going in the direction

that a very small group of people

that are beyond the president

that don't pay taxes and all that shit

want it to go in.

That's the direction it's going to continue

to head in like it always has.

And that's the brilliance of having a president

because they're out of there in 48 years. So you can just ride it out no matter what the fuck they're trying to do.
And if they annoy the shit out of you, you can just fucking throw money at the other one and get that person out of there. That's my jaded belief.
And when I say that, I'm speaking on behalf of all centrists. Still annoyed by that fucking person.
On behalf of all people, on behalf, I've deputized myself because of things I read on Reddit to now discuss with you. So I am going to have a little bit of an afternoon before I get back on the plane ride home tomorrow at the mall.
And, uh, I got to try to figure out what I'm going to go do. I did accidentally end up in a part of the city that was where like, they had like all the drum guitar, uh, stores and all that.
And I went to the drum store, man. It was fucking amazing just because, you know, they had a lot of the same stuff, but like, it it's just a different shit like they had a bunch of like electronic kits that were at the level of like v drums which are the top ones you know that brands i've never heard of that are not in the states and um they were really fucking cool drums and they had them all set up where you could sit down and play another one that actually that actually looks like a real drum kit that one you couldn't play but uh i was kind of amazed at how far along that that that is uh that is gone so um but i did comment to nia like we're walking around i'm like where are all the kids you don't see like what are the young people like drinking and having a good time where are finally goes, well, they probably can't afford to live here.

And I'm like, good point. Need to go further, further outside this touristy area.
And I was like, that's kind of like Manhattan. Like when I moved to New York City in 1995, you saw young people all over the place, all over the place.
And during the time that I lived there, it got so fucking expensive that all the young people ended up like out in Brooklyn. Like you go out in Brooklyn.
It's like, oh, here they are. Here's people in their 20s.
Where did they go? All right. So I feel like I'm filibustering here, people.
I've been basically just trying to sleep the last couple of days so I wouldn't have any bad shows or anything like that. I haven't watched any hockey games.
I know my Bruins beat the Canadians about a week ago. Obviously, I'm happy about that.
But I've watched no hockey. I don't know if basketball is starting up.
I'm not paying attention to the LeBron James, Bronny James thing. People are just rooting against his son so fucking hard.
Like, I just look at that, like, now as a dad, going, like, what would it be like if the whole public just hated my kid because their dreams didn't come true? And we're rooting for my kid to fail.

Why don't you go the other way?

You know, it'd be great if he was better than LeBron and he started scoring more points than him

and then seeing if LeBron turned into like the great Santini kind of dad

or if he was actually could be cool with it.

You know, like what if his son doesn't pass him the ball in the crucial moment and takes the shot himself and then hits it? And then people start chanting, Bronny, James, Bron, instead of whatever they chant at LeBron. I don't know.
They're Laker fans. They're not the brightest people out there.
MVP, MVP. The guy doesn't pass the fucking ball.
Anyway, that's how the game of basketball is played in Los Angeles. Bill, do you really have to be that way? Oh, congratulations to the New York Yankees and the Los Angeles Dodgers.
A classic World Series matchup. This is the shit that I grew up on.
77-78, the first two World Series that I ever watched the entirety of. Yeah, this is who the fuck do you vote? Who do you root for here as a Red Sox fan? I mean, you can't root for the Yankees, but am I going to root for a team that also spent like 300 million bucks? And as a guy on it that, you know, looked like he was gambling on baseball.
And he just goes, ah, yeah, hey, it was my interpreter. And everybody's like, nothing to see here.
Anyway, this is, I don't know. I'm just hoping it's going to go seven games.
And I was on Instagram the other day, and I saw this really cool thing where they showed the 1981 New York Yankees starting lineup. They were out in the field, and they were going around the field.
And Reggie was still on the team playing right field uh nettles was still at third and willie randolph was still at second that was what was left of those great teams in 77 and 78 but uh there was no lou pinella thurman was obviously passed away um chris shambliss was gone I wonder who their pitch is I wonder if Ron Guidry was still there I can't remember but one of my favorite players that the Red Sox only had for a season I just loved how he played was Bob Watson and he was on first base and then they had Dave Winfield who was basically a giant Ken Griffey Jr., I felt.

Like, just a, everything was just smooth.

The way he threw the ball, the way he hit and all of that shit.

And also, I saw this a day late.

Rest in peace, Fernando Valenzuela.

I was shocked to find out that he had passed away.

I wasn't aware that he was doing games and he had to step away like a month ago. Speaking of 1981, that was one of the most fun years in baseball when I was growing up.
There was so many fun things. The Pirates in 79, but Fernando Valenzuela in the 1981 Dod dodgers like tommy lasorda you know how excited he was and how excited the fan base was and how fernando's like eyes would roll up in the back of his head and then they'd go to the side when he would go and throw the ball um he was like this is overnight sensation superstar And then he went in and he was part of that Dodger team that finally beat the Yankees after losing to him in 77 and 78 and all the way back to Brooklyn.
You know, I mean, I think they finally beat him once in the fifties, 55 maybe. Um, but sorry for the creaky chair here um yeah just shocked to to uh hear that he passed away so condolences to all his friends and families and his fans and all that shit and um this is why i don't speak at funerals because i would still curse um but uh yeah it's just the worst that guy wasn't that much older than me man that scares the shit out of you after a while the older you get when you start seeing like people like you know i know he was sick so that's one thing but when you just see people die of natural causes that you remember when they were young and then you start going wait a minute how fucking old are they how old were they when i was watching them and how old am i now i'm 30 years older than that guy was when i watched him as a kid what where the fuck did all of this time go um but anyway um he will be a legend forever and i feel like as long as human beings are on the earth who knows how long that is when they bring up the great Dodgers of all time.
He's up there with everyone. Jackie Robinson, Sandy Koufax.
Speaking of Sandy Koufax, do you know one time I was in Caesar's Palace and Pete Rose, the late great Pete Rose rose the hit king was signing his merchandise and i went in there with another comic i was working with and we asked him you know who was the toughest pitcher you ever faced and he sat back and he looked at us and he goes who do you think it was like test i love that he was testing us you know like i'm not just going to give you the fucking answer let me let's see if do you actually watch baseball so i was trying to think like you know his error so i was like gibson he's like no don drysdale no my buddy guessed a couple other people like no and I we go who and he goes Sandy Koufax and I and we both went really you know because he had a brief career dominant career but brief career so I just didn't think to say the name I felt bad when I was like saying why didn't I fucking say that right so he goes saying oh so when he said sandy koufax we went really and then he went like he imitated a ball coming in straight and then just dropping off the table 12 to 6 on both sides because pete was a switch hitter so he was basically saying this guy had the ability to drop it off the table whether you in in an effective way um away from the hitter because it was coming in diagonally and then dropping off to both sides of the plate and uh i don't know that's that's my uh my pete rose story um other than i i had him. I think I told this.
At this point, I must have told all my stories. There was two pictures of him that I bought.
Both of them, his helmet was off and he was diving into third base. One was 75 and one was 76.
And I said, all right, I go, can you write on the 75 one, Bill, I'm sorry. And he got this look in his eye and looked at me and he goes, I'm not like, I'm not sorry.
I go, listen, it's going to make sense. And then on the 76 one, because he beat the Red Sox, big red machine beat the Red Sox in 75.
And in 76, they beat the Yankees. So on the 76 one, I said, can you write Bill write bill you're welcome and then he got the joke and smiled and signed him and i uh i have him somewhere in my office i never i never hung him up because uh you know i never had an office you know i just lived with my wife and you know the wife's not gonna have bill you're welcome bill sorry fucking baseball photos on the wall that's when you can tell like you can fucking tell like who runs a marriage because if men ran the really ran the home anyway like our houses would look like fucking sports bars there'd be sports memorabilia there'd be a fucking beer tap you know those fucking taco holders and all of that bullshit whatever the hell you're into it would look like you know like the fucking man i love the man cave the man cave we're gonna take the garage this yes send the guy out to the garage can you imagine if the guy ran the house and they had like woman caves? They would be fucking bitch moaning.
How come we only get the garage and you get the fucking house? But it works because we don't give a fuck. It's like, take the house.
I don't give a shit. I like the garage.
It's just a guy thing. It's like a guy thing it's like a bunker it's amazing that's something like i get like what i get excited when i see somebody's garage and it's clean and they can actually park a car in it like i i you know and then and they they went out and they got like some special surface on the floor of the garage, I actually get like excited.
I'm more excited, you know, kitchens and bathrooms, cellar house, fuck that. If somebody has a garage that you can eat off the floor and they have some vintage car in there or an old motorcycle or a bunch of tools, whatever the fuck they're into and they're all in their perfect place like there's a level of just respect that i immediately have for the man that owns that garage you know what i mean i don't know whatever i'm babbling uh that's the podcast everybody uh merci beaucoup um i think that's it that's it all right that's the podcast have a great weekend you cunts and i will i will talk to you on monday and uh what else that's right andrew stemless is is going to play some music that he's picked out and then we'll have a bonus episode of the thursday just before Friday Monday morning podcast all right au revoir hey what's going on it's Bill Burr and it's time for the Monday morning podcast for Monday October 24th 2016 oh we're getting down to it oh those little kids are going to be coming by for the candy right oh those cute little kids yep cute until they're about seven and then they start thinking they know shit right and then they fucking start showing up i swear to god you know if they're almost eye level you know you ought to be able to just get the fuck out of here go buy your own goddamn get a fucking paper route you bum right the first hour hour and a half of halloween is great the kids are so fucking cute the parents are all excited it's really what it is like the cutoff for fucking halloween should be roughly about eight years old and then everybody else should just go fuck off go put your fucking you know put your virtual reality glasses on and go shoot a bunch of people.
Whatever it is these kids do nowadays, I don't pretend to understand.

You know, I understand they can't go outside.

You can't send them outside because, you know, there's a pervert behind every fucking tree, evidently.

So don't have them outside.

Have them inside.

Put on some virtual reality glasses and let them just walk around in this world, know just shooting up people where they're nice and safe right um i don't know i was just reading this there was this psychology magazine that i picked up um during this fucking unbelievable ride back i had from nashville it was all about uh narcissism and that type of stuff and just how easily that word is thrown around now. How everybody, you know, who isn't a psychologist, myself included, somehow that word like hit the mainstream.
I don't know when. It's been around my whole life.
I think the article said sometime in the early 70s and then everybody, oh, this person's not a narcissist, narcissistic, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. And I guess it actually, true narcissists, it only affects a really small portion of the population.
And they were just talking about there's different kinds of it. Like everybody thinks it's the person taking a selfie.
It isn't necessarily that person. Someone could be a total fucking narcissist but like goes the other way and is really like depressed and withdrawn and all that and basically uh their pain and all that becomes their narcissism just fucking sitting around talking about how i don't know how miserable they are i have no fucking idea all i know is i read it and i was just going yep i i do that oh i do that too that's what i have i breed shit on fucking psychos narcissists fucking lunatics whatever the hell it is you know it's like it's you know what it's like it's like reading a fucking horoscope i swear to god you know when you sit there and i've always maintained people who are into astrology you always go you believe in that shit i believe that shit and if you got the fucking paper just say when were you born i was born May the 6th.
Oh, you're a fucking, you're a Taurus. Right? And then go read the fucking Gemini or the Sagittarius or the fucking Blue Bonnet Bowl, whatever the fuck sign they are.
You just read that one instead and you watch them. I know exactly what that means.
Yeah, that was for September. See, you know, it's people like, why can't you just let me believe what I want to believe? So I'm actually recording this Sunday night.
I was going to record it tomorrow morning, but my lovely, beautiful, gorgeous wife is upstairs, and you know what she's doing?'s watching the reality fucking shows and i sit

there i try to hang in there i fucking try to hang in there i can't fucking do it it's it's like it's so fucking depressing i don't understand how she and michael rapaport can watch that fucking shit it's just it's it's fucking she's watching one right now all they do they just sit around talking about stuff, bags and shoes, and this one wants titties because her sister's got bigger titties. I wish I had tits like you.
And it's like these are like, they don't do anything. And then they're always going on vacation to clear their head from doing nothing.
I guess being on the show and being in front of the cameras and stuff yeah i guess that would get fucking annoying after a while but they they don't fucking do anything and then there's this guy with a beard and he comes walking in and he's always acting like he's fucking got all these businesses going he's not fucking doing anything either i get they do the show that's what the fuck they do and uh so i'm hanging in there and I'm trying to watch it. I'm trying to watch it.
And then they do that horror, like, you watch them talk about the shit, and then they cut to the people who you just saw talking about the shit. Then they talk about the shit.
They just talk about what they just did. So, the one of them wants to get a fucking boob job, and probably just had her do it you know just so they could get a fucking episode out of it all I know has been the end when she goes to talk about it this is what I tapped out after listening to these fucking people sitting around talking about themselves you know and just walking around with these fucking $10,000 worth of clothes to walk into a fucking living room and sit down and talk about other clothes right they cut to the one who was going to get her titties done and she sits down and the first thing that she comes out of her mouth she just goes for me and I was just like I gotta get the fuck out of here I gotta get the fuck out of here I can't like What do you mean for me? We just listen to you talk about it Like they should just Why don't they should just Go down to a fucking soup kitchen Go ladle out some shit for a while And I don't even Then they would just talk about How fucking It was so amazing To meet all these different people And it they're just like really, really poor.

And I just felt for me, it was just so great to connect with people. And they would be doing that in full-on fucking makeup with love bracelets going all the way up to their fucking goddamn neck.
And I don't know. just after helping people like that, I just really feel like I need to clear my head and go to San Luis Obisco, whatever the fuck those goddamn people go.
Jesus Christ. I just, I don't know why she watches it.
Why does she watch it? She likes great movies. She's a very smart person.
I don't know. I guess, you know guess you know for me i guess i watch fucking football you know that's just as fucking stupid i watch people sitting there talking about i guess i guess that's the female version of it and i have to accept that's the fucking fact and that um we are staying in this fucking house right now and uh you know what's you know what this house? We thought this fucking creepy ass house was haunted.
All right. We looked at it during the day.
During the day, it looked great. At night, it feels like there's somebody fucking watching you.
And you're hearing all these weird sounds and everything. And, you know, I kind of figured out.
We kind of figured out what it is. There's rodents in the walls of this place.
Like a lot of old houses. If you have an old fucking house, there's inroads there.
If you lived in Buffalo and you bought an old house, would it really surprise you if there was some prohibition error tunnel underneath your fucking house? I mean, the Capone fucking characters were there. Right across the river was Canada.
They bring the fucking booze in well out here you got all these fucking old ass houses mine included which by the way i just went over there to see where the fuck they were and trying to rewire the thing so i won't blow up my house someday and they told me they were done with the wiring and i was all excited and i gloated that there was no more fucking cloth wiring in the goddamn house. And I went on and I look at me now.
I'm talking about my stuff. I go to turn the fucking light on, turn the light on and they go.
What do you call it? The fucking lights that are on the wall, they're not under the ceiling. Right? Whatever the fuck you call it.
It's fucking sitting there, right? And I turn on the light and it just goes, I see this spark just go right up the side and landed on the dog bed. And I just shut it off.
I was like, all right, I'm going to bring that up tomorrow. But no, I got in there and they got the floor and now they're starting to build the cabinet so i'm seeing the fucking light at the end of the tunnel here so uh you know i'll tell you the cloth wiring never did that but once we get this done then the fucking house is it's done it's fucking done and i can just live there quietly and just you know stare at the fucking wall and know that there's no more squirrels in there.
Like this fucking place. I don't know what the fuck are in the walls.
I remember that story I told you a few weeks ago about, I was over at buddy's house and there was a mouse in the house. That was this house.
And the reason why I said it was a friend of mine's house, because I didn't want to tell my wife that there was a fucking rodent in the goddamn house because then she'd be freaking the fuck out

and I'd have to deal with that shit.

All right?

But my father-in-law was over.

It was three weeks later.

We had a couple of beers.

It was a funny story.

I just finally just said, you know what?

My wife brought up that it was haunted

and I finally just said, no, honey, it's not haunted.

There's fucking rodents in the walls. I just heard one.
Came walking by, and I heard a bunch of shit fall down the plaster. And I know that's what it is because when I was a kid, we had that problem in our house.
And I remember we had these squirrels were in the fucking walls. I don't know how they got in there, but they were fucking in there.

And so we somehow cornered one.

It was behind the cabinets, and there was like a hole, like,

not behind the cabinets, like, it was in the wall behind the cabinets.

So all I remember was I had, like, this mop handle,

and I'm fucking, you know, rattling it in the hole,

as my dad had this, you know, the fucking giant butcher knife trying to find this fucking thing, and he's fucking jabbing the knife in the hole, and I got the fucking mop handle going, trying to flush this thing out. All of a sudden, this fucking thing, like a rocket, runs out of the hole right up the fucking mop handle, up my arm, jumps on my shoulder and just leaps off.
And I was just like, the fucking thing. And it had nowhere to go.
And my dad cornered it and he finished the fucking thing off. You know, this is before PETA, you know.
Now I guess we would have been, you you know accused of some sort of hate crime against uh squirrels i have no idea but my dad finished the fucking thing off and um you know we dealt with that there was bats in the fucking anything you know there was an old house the house was older than the house that well i guess it was made earlier i don't think it was old it like 70 years old. Mine's fucking 90.
Anyways, these old fucking houses, it's just, you got to have guests. All right? I'm not a big ghost guy.
Like, I always think it's rodents first. And I don't, these fucking things are all over the goddamn place.
So, I don't know. You know, at least I can say that about my fucking piece of shit of a house.
You know, at least I don't have, I don't have squirrels in the walls. You know, I mean, you turn the fucking light on.
I mean, I'm not saying a spark won't come out and singe off half your fucking mustache at this point. But, you know, you know, it's a it's a process.
That's what it is. All right.
So anyways, as you guys might remember, I was taping a standup special on Friday at the Ryman and I did it. It went great.
Now I have the horrible thing where I have to go back and look at myself, which is not something I don't know. It's the weirdest thing.
Like if I if I just taped a set and I'm just going to watch it, I can look at it. But if I know that this is going to go on to Netflix and that the general public, if they want to, can look at it, then every fucking thing that I hate about myself is just like sticking out like a sore thumb.
So I'm going to have to try to plow my way through this as quickly as possible. But the shows went great.
It was such an amazing night. And I got to tell you, you know, if I don't sound excited, it's kind of like a letdown a couple days later because now I have no fucking act.
And I had such a good time. And it was so weird coming up to that.
I was like, oh, my God, I'm so sick of these fucking jokes. I got to record these and move on because I'm past these jokes.
And then that night I was doing them. I was having so much fun when the night was over.
I was like, oh, my God. I don't get to do this bit anymore.
I don't get to do that bit anymore. I guess I can't for the next couple of months before the thing comes out.
But another one in the can. Another one in the can.
Joe Barton killed. It's going to be cool.
I think we're going to hopefully have a nice look to it uh i don't know i already looked at some pictures of it and i you know i'm already just going like oh why did i do this why did i do that but i think i think it looks good i fucking hate this this is the this is the worst part of it it's the worst part of it i wish i could just take a fucking drug that would make me forget that i was watching myself and I could just sit down and be like, okay, this is somebody else's special.

Put this here, put that there, big bang, boom, and it's done. Then I could fucking walk away from it.

So, um, I don't know. It's the only thing I don't like about it, but other than that, it went

fucking great. So listen to this shit.
So I, um, oh, and thank you for everybody who came out to,

uh, it really was an incredible, incredible night. Um,

Be good. So I, oh, and thank you for everybody who came out to, it really was an incredible, incredible night.
Yeah, it was fucking awesome. And now I'm just sitting in the basement of this fucking rat infested fucking house.
My year is done. I got nothing to do.
I got the comics come home is my last thing. And then I'm just fucking in town because I've been out of town all year and, uh, we got to finish an editing efforts for family.
And, uh, you know, I feel, I feel like, Hey, there's the lovely Nia. What do you know? Um, so I'm going to tell him the story here.
Do you want to jump on? I'm going to tell him the story here do you want to jump on okay uh i'm i'm gonna tell him the story of that flight oh yeah that i had you want me to i'll hit pause here if you want to grab a mic okay well do people really want to listen to you unwrapping that shit all right i'll tell you So anyways, so Nia was supposed to come out and see me, right?

And then for whatever reason, you weren't able to make it out, right?

Right.

For whatever reason.

Whatever reason.

Yeah, whatever reason. The doctor said you're not allowed to fly in your current condition.

That's right.

Yes.

So I'm like, all right. i guess i'm out there by myself and uh so i was gonna i was gonna hang out with her on saturday you know go around doing all the dumb shit you know barbecue yeah we're gonna get barbecue and then we're gonna go to that fucking restaurant that every fucking person goes to that was in that show nash you loved.
The Bluebird Cafe. All right.
The Bluebird Cafe. We're going to do all of that shit.
And then at night, I was either going to go to the Penguins Predators game or I was going to go to the Vanderbilt football game. But you weren't allowed to go.
So I said, fuck it. I'll come back Saturday.
Or as they say in Boston, say!

Right?

That's right.

So I had a...

Hang on, let me turn your fucking mic on here.

You good?

Yeah, can you hear me okay?

You like how I'm able just to put the thing together?

Like I know how to do it now.

Yes, you do.

What I didn't like is that you've been driving that wonderful car that i got you

for a year and you've never checked the oil or had anybody check it i thought you knew to do that to at least i mean i think i knew in in like as a general concept that that's a thing that needs to happen but but yeah thank you but um as a concept this is the thing that i didn't know shit about cars or engines really i just a concept i knew that you had to do it but i just i just went on youtube i went on youtube how does an engine work i just started with that and then i i got all the way up to like you know i started watching gas monkey i started watching eric the car guy eric the car guy is great and you just learn eric the car guy

you'll even learn about electrical i mean that guy fucking knows everything and like you can

uh you know get your head around what's going on underneath the hood right it all needs to stay

lubricated and it needs to stay cool those are the two big things cool and lubricated cool and lubricated if it gets too hot the block could crack you know or the fucking the pistons and everything you literally just seize up the engine okay so you haven't put a lot of miles on it so here's the thing so i i go out there and i'm going to show her you know i'm going to show her how to check the oil right so i go into the cockpit of this fucking thing and i'm trying then it's not even labeled where to do it i finally find the piece of plastic because you don't want to tug too hard on any of it some of it's just parts that come apart you know and then there's like the fuses underneath there so i finally find it i pop the hood and i clearly see where you put the oil in and for the life of me i cannot find any dipstick anywhere and i'm like where the fuck is it where the fuck is it where the fuck is it and i finally googled you know you're making model where where is the dipstick and it's just It's all on the dashboard now yeah it's gonna if you're low on oil it's gonna tell you which i guess is more convenient or whatever but um i don't know i like it told me that my tire pressure was too low but i get nervous as far as like if that fucks up like yeah the dipstick is great you stick it in there well actually you pull it out you wipe it off first that's what i was doing then you stick it in you pull it out and it'll show you if you need you know add it'll say full and then there's this little round thing where you're going too high and you have too much oil a little round uh little circle as they say a little shape of circle that was it and it's just not fucking there so anyways let me you, so leaving Nashville. So I go, all right, you know, she can't fly out.
So I'm going to, I'll fly back Saturday and I'll hang out with her. Right.
So, uh, I go to over the airport. I get there nice and early.
I drop off the car, the rental car. I'm all zippity doodah.
Cause I'm and early i get all the way to the gate long ass fucking

walk and i realized that i didn't you know i didn't give the car keys to the people there at budget i'm like ah fuck so i had to walk all the way back i wasn't on the other side of security i just walked all the way back and then i came nice and i'm like thinking in my head see this is why i leave plenty of time i'm not losing my temper everything's fucking fine this is the new bill right i'm not gonna be a new bill i'm not gonna be i'm trying to find the humor in things okay all right like i had my checks for my gigs this week i go down to the bank tonight because i don't want to deal with the clusterfuck of the bank during the day with a bunch of people who don't understand how to handle their money their money is fucked up and you're standing behind them in line and it takes for fucking ever. And they're always yelling through the bulletproof glass at the other person as if that person went out and bought too much shiny shit with their money.
Basically speaking, all right? I'm not talking about that Wells Fargo crap with those cunts. What they did.
And then they paid off those 5,000 people. Like, all right, get the fuck out of here.

Here's a little confidentiality agreement. You guys all collectively yet individually came up with this fucking scam.
It wasn't me. Anyways, plowing ahead.
So I went down. I go down to the bank, and it takes, you know, I had like three checks.
It takes two out of three, and it won't take the last one. And I started to lose it.
I distinctly remember slapping the ATM machine and hearing my wedding band ring when I did it. And I was just like, I went up to eight, eight for me, 12 for any other normal person, but it was an eight for me.
And I was like, Bill, just fucking relax. It's all fine.
And I thought about my flight and what the fuck happened. And I was just like, this is really pales in comparison.

So here's what happened to my flight.

So I get on this fucking flight, right?

Sitting up there,

first fucking clash.

Right?

First clash.

But I have the stressful first class seat.

It's the fucking front row.

So you got the bulkhead in front of you,

which means I always just have a backpack

and I always shove it underneath the seat.

So I get on the plane fucking relaxed. I don't have to worry about overhead spaces.
Somebody shoves 15 coats up there in a child's seat. But I had the stress because I didn't have the fucking thing in front of me.
So once I got past that stress, I sat down. It's all fucking good.
And we're flying back. And all I'm thinking is, ah, fuck, man, i'm getting back it's fucking football sunday tomorrow i'm gonna watch the uh the fucking uh the formula one race you know i'm gonna watch the patriots game i'm gonna maybe watch a little buffalo miami you know i got the whole fucking i got my whole thing laid out right maybe catch a late college game shit i'll by the time i land it's only gonna be like eight o'clock at night so we fucking go up in the air we're about 45 minutes into the flight and i start smelling what smells like burnt popcorn that's the smell first and then it gets a little more fucking intense and i'm kind of looking at the stewardess as you know i'm in the first fucking row going did one of them burn a meal like i'm smelling a burning smell and it's starting to fuck with my eyes a little bit and i'm not seeing any panic on their faces so i go it must be food because i know i only have a few hours flying with my license but i know you know smoke in the plane is not it's not a good thing right no so everything's going about normally and then all of a sudden i feel us descending you know when i feel like the the fucking wings are doing blah blah doing that shit and i'm like oh wow we must be hitting some rough air because then the smoke wasn't as bad and i was thinking like we must be hitting it wasn't like visible smoke you could smell it I could kind of feel it in my eyes a little bit um how old did I just sound I could smell it I felt it in my eyes it was very uncomfortable um so the fucking wings are like doing that shit and I'm thinking like oh he probably got it you know a report that there was some rough air up and he's going to go underneath it and then we'll go back up again and then like all of a sudden my glass with the water started sliding forward like all of a sudden I was kind of realizing that my chair was kind of we were at like a like not a 45 degree angle but we were at a significant we were fucking descending rapidly and all of a sudden the stewards just came up she goes uh can I take your glasses we're landing and then i was just like oh fuck something's on fire and the the pilot didn't give any like announcement like no because we were like at 30 something thousand feet and the second you smell smoke it's like i don't know i i i guarantee you there were lights lighting up on his little dashboard there and it wasn't saying check the tire pressure i don't know what warning lights they have probably didn't want to make he didn't want everyone to panic so he's just like you know what let me just land this thing no i think he smelt smoke like there's something on fire and i'm 30 000 feet and i have to get this thing on the fucking ground immediately and i mean but that's why he didn't say anything because wouldn't they normally tell you like we're gonna we're going to descend really quickly because of this, that, and the other? I had nothing to do with scaring us.
He didn't have fucking time. Okay.
So he just fucking goes down, and I'm just like, oh, shit, here we go. So the stewardess, you know, I didn't know we were landing because everybody had the shades pulled down.
And it wasn't until my glass fucking slid forward that I was like, guy's really he's really dropping down here like what's going on but so when she came over and she said hey uh we're landing now right we're literally 50 minutes in the flight Nashville to LA right the woman next to me goes like oh my god we're here already and I was like I laughed and I was like no no no i go we're landing she goes where and i said well i looked at my watch ago i don't know she fucking lifted up the shade i saw a river i go maybe that's the mississippi i'm gonna say st louis turned out it was little rock arkansas and uh she goes what why are we landing and i was like well probably had to do with that did you smell that burning smell she's like yeah i go probably has to do with that and uh so she's looking around i go yeah but he really has he had total control of the airplane but my thing that i was worried with about is you know i don't know about the mechanics on planes and shit but like if there was some sort of something whatever it burned through some wire some hydraulic thing and all of a sudden he can't control it and next thing you know we're upside down like in that denzel movie you know yeah yeah when you lose the rear stabilizer the dumbest shit ever that he's able to flip it back over and land you know um hollywood movie yeah he wants it's up like you're fucked nobody can land that not even sully So we start fucking coming in, and we're in Little Rock. I don't know if it's Little Rock, and all I see is this fucking river.
And, you know, those things you can only see out the side. And I'm just thinking, get it on the ground, get it on the ground, just get it on the fucking ground.
And all I'm seeing is this fucking, that's the rodents in the wall. Okay.
There's one like right above your fucking head. Or it ran by.
I think it's a corridor. I don't know if you guys can't hear it.
You just hear plaster falling. I think they ate through the air-conditioned duck, and they just sort of run back and forth.
Do you know? Dude, okay. All right.
So anyway, so I'm almost dying in a plane crash here now. So fucking thing comes down all crap and all i see is the uh the river and that's what i started thinking of like it's if this motherfucker puts this thing in the water all right all i'm thinking is is stay conscious you have to fucking stay conscious and uh that fucking door is right around the corner provided you know he doesn't smash the whole thing up and you can't open the door then i gotta fight my way through all these other fuckers and i'm gonna drown um but then i see the runway he lands the thing and then just like please reverse engines reverse engines oh since kicked in then once we stopped i was like okay all right fine i live right so we go over we taxi over there's a fire engine one of those there's only one because it's little rock arkansas right it's a little fucking fire engine comes over we go to deep plane like deep plane um there was smoke bubble bell the captain came on and he finally says he said i had my hands full up here me uh i'm sorry i didn't make an announcement meaning like it was a serious fucking thing yeah um so i as we go to get off there's two guys in the giant fucking asbestos suits they look ridiculous they look like they they were beekeepers so they didn't look like firefighters and we go to get off and um as we get off you know the ticket agent person like okay they're gonna check to see if the plane is still fine and blah blah blah and all i'm thinking in my head is like dude the fucking thing was on fire something was on fire there's no fucking way we're getting back on that there's people walking in with the beekeeper super suits it's over right so we sit there for about a half an hour and uh they finally come on they say okay here's the deal we need to get a new plane um the plane that we're gonna get is two hours away but the crew is an hour away from getting to the plane so it's going to be about a three hour delay and you know people are kind of cool but there's those you know the 15 percent like oh this is ridiculous giving them shit yeah okay giving them shit it's like dude the fucking thing i don't know what was on fire what was smoldering but it was smoldering at 30 something thousand feet and the fucking pilot just got us on the ground and we like a stud and we didn't die and now you're fucking bitching yeah go up to the bar and shut the fuck up right so there's one guy there with his purple shirt he's fucking was breaking his neck shaking his head like oh's unbelievable.
And you know the deal. You know the deal.
If they say it's going to happen in three hours, that means it's going to be about 12, right? So we go into the bar, and I watch Auburn kicking the shit out of the Razorbacks. Then I watch the Cubs get into the World Series, and they just keep going like, well, now it's looking like 9.30.
And then they do that. It's looking like 1010.
We're thinking 1046. And people just eat more.
Freaking out. Then they change the gate.
And everybody just is gradually more and more like freaking out. And then they're vacuuming up the airport.
It was the Hillary and Bill Clinton airport. The Bill and Hillary Clinton airport, which was, you know it would basic seats you know the clintons they stole so much money there's only so much left for the airport there right so long story short we landed about four o'clock this or five o'clock or something like that the plane we didn't get on the fucking plane to get out of there until like uh like a little bit after 1 a.m and this is the thing like the lady the person goes okay so the plane's here and then everybody's just like so it's going to take us to la now and the person the guy just goes like oh no the plane's gonna take you back to dallas everyone's like no everyone's like dallas we came from nashville this is what kind a way is just to run an airline they're like screaming at this guy and uh and I was I sat the whole time I just sat there laughing my ass off going like who gives a fuck as long as we we're not dead right like I just couldn't like I mean it was fucking scary right so they end up flying us into Dallas and uh we land we're like this is the plane we're taking la right they're like absolutely we land in that in dallas and they go okay we're gonna need everybody to get off the plane everybody says oh james guys gotta fucking kick me there's one guy here this guy they can't possibly think we're ever gonna fly this airline again right i'm like i'm absolutely to fly it again.
One of the guys who works for them just flew a plane that was somehow on fire from 30,000 fucking feet down to the ground. It's a great airline.
It's a great fucking airline. So we get off the fucking plane and I slept on the fucking floor waiting for the get back on.
We ended up getting back on and we ended up landing at like, I think like 10 in the morning. I actually figured it out.
It took 16 hours for me to get back on we ended up getting back on and uh we ended up landing at like i think like 10 in the morning and actually figured it out it took 16 hours for me to get back from nashville and from here to uh sydney australia is 14 hours so i literally could have flown to sydney got a connecting flight got my ass down to melbourne but you know what nia i didn't fucking i didn't burn up in a plane that's all i just kept thinking. The fact that you didn't flip out is still like kind of amazing to me.
But the thing is with you is that when big things like this happen, you are so calm. Like you are just very like relaxed and you have like a lot of perspective about it.
And you're like, well, but this and this and this, so this and this and this. But, like, you know, God forbid there's a new operating system on your phone.

It's like you have the meltdown of, like, you know, a three-year-old sugar crash.

I would put everybody who flipped out about all of that airplane shit, I would have put all of them to shame over, you know.

A new operating system on your phone.

I can lose it. I can sit for 16 hours in an airport i had a great time i went in i sat down i watched the cubs like i'm sitting there going like the cubs literally have not been to a world series they haven't even been there as bad as cleveland is they haven't even fucking gotten to the world series in in 71.
That's almost impossible. If it wasn't for them, it is impossible, because I don't think anybody else has ever fucking done, like, just not been there.
I would have been crying out of frustration. I would have been so tired and hungry and frustrated and, like, all these things.
Nia, the fucking plane was on fire. No, I get it.
Or whatever. It was smoldering.
Something was burning and everyone was sitting there going, who had one of those fucking Galaxy 7 phones in there? Right, exactly. The Samsung.
Yeah, that they checked. That's what I was thinking because there was that thing with Value Jet where something caught on fire underneath there and it burned through whatever controllers they had and that thing crashed into a fucking swamp and some of the bodies got eaten by alligators.
Oh, Jesus. Did you say that somebody- Give a fuck that I'm sleeping on a floor.
Did you say like at the airport somebody asked about that phone? Like they were asking people if anyone had that phone? Oh, when we got back on the plane the second time. Yeah.
They said, if anybody has a Galaxy 7 phone, can you notify the stewardess? Yeah. Which is hilarious to me.
Well, that happened on a plane. That guy's phone started smoking in his pocket.
He went to turn it off. He put it in his pocket or something like that, and it started smoking.
Yeah, but that that's not going to take down a plane if it's in your bag and it starts smoking and then ignites with the shirt or some shit like that and you have a really i guess a bad canvas suitcase why it could not have happened and it eats its way out then i think you're in trouble but what's what's he gonna do just stare at his pocket as it slowly catches on fire going oh my, my God. I think that's.
Oh, my God. What do I do? His pocket's on fire.
We're all going to die. Yeah, I think that's exactly what happened.
Dude, there was a guy that literally tried to light his fucking shoes on fire and everybody just beat the fuck out of him. Like, that's what happened to this guy.
And he was trying to take the fucking plane down. Yeah phones are like fuck they always exaggerate they always exaggerate like like you went through if there's anything smoking on a plane on a pressurized fucking enclosed you know thing in vehicle not vehicle but you know what i'm saying vessel you gotta get everybody out of there better safe than sorry.
I know, but it's like, okay, so your phone starts catching on fire.

I mean, how long are you going to take it out?

Like, oh, my God, what the fuck,

and then take your little complimentary glass of water and dump it on it,

and it's over.

You know what?

I don't know what he did after that.

I'm sure he took it out and was like, oh, shit.

I know exactly what he did.

He grabbed somebody else's phone and took a selfie And said hashtag fuck my life And then he got a deal He got some sort of internet deal And now he makes 400 grand He's the fuck my life guy And he runs around And he does splits in front of people Like the dude with the blonde hair That fucking 60 minute segment really chapped your ass didn't it bill no it didn't know i got bill and i wait a little backup bill and i just watched this 60 minute segment right about social media influencers and so there's these kids on there because you know they're millennials or whatever with the exception of kim kardashian but the other people on there are these young people that have all these viewed vines and Snapchats and everything. And so companies are paying them insane amounts of money to do advertising for.
And one of them is this blonde kid whose name I don't remember. He's fucking hilarious.
And he does these splits. In front of people.
Random locations. He's like at the wall of China, china eiffel tower and everything and he has all these like views so he gets no no i thought all those kids are funny what drove me nuts about it was how the reporter just couldn't get his head around it going like so then you get six million views and people want to advertise in that i told you 60 minutes is for old people it's like fuckhead you're on a tv show there's advertising on your tv show the amount of viewers that you have is how much you can charge for ad space why would this he just couldn't get his fucking head around it he's explaining it He's explaining it to the people that are watching 60 Minutes, which are older people generally.
They have older correspondents. They're explaining it to our parents.
They're not explaining it to us. You're letting them off the hook.
No. You're letting them off the hook.
They're doing it. I'm telling you.
You're letting them off the hook. They're doing it for like 60, 70 plus year old people.
That reporter was exactly who I thought he was.

No.

And you let him off the hook.

I'm telling you.

There is a reason why they're so like going over and over again.

All right.

Well, maybe because I get it.

Maybe because I get it.

Yeah.

You get like impatient with it.

That's for old people that are like, you do what with your phone?

Yeah.

I fucking have a podcast.

It's a radio show on the internet.

Enough people listen.

Explain that to us an oh i shouldn't even say six my dad's 65 and i think he would grasp that concept but like think about the most older people who are not la new york who are just not savvy about that stuff like they don't get it and they probably don don't necessarily still get it. Oh, and then I fucking do this and I wear a Jimmy John shirt.
And he's like, and then they pay you for that? It's like half the fucking bands this guy's going to see. There's advertising at the shows.
The Rolling Stones have Bud Light in the background, right? I know. I really think that they're explaining it for older people who don't understand what it means to go viral.
They don't even know what that word means. It's a new phenomenon for them.
They don't get it. That 60 Minutes is not for people.
No, it's a new word for what the fuck they've been doing. Yeah.
60 Minutes went viral in the 60s. It was a hit show.
Right. It just wasn't viral.

It went fucking.

Because there was no internet.

TVO.

Whatever the fuck you call a hit TV show.

Right.

But viral.

And do you think there was people from the 1800s still alive going like, so you're in

that box and a lot of the more people that watch it, you make more money. Yes.
Yes, that's exactly how that works. Yeah.
It was fucking like, but he said it to every one of them. I know.
Every single. I'm telling you, he was explaining it for the older people at home that don't understand these things And Kim Kardashian Couldn't have broke it down Any more for him And he just couldn't get His fucking head around He's like So you don't sing You don't dance He's like no I just like It's a lifestyle I'm a brand And he's like Dude you're literally literally interviewing her.
You're taking the fucking time to interview her. She obviously has some sort of fucking clout.
I've never seen a guy so in the eye of the storm and he's out there with like sunglasses on, like looking for the sun. It's windy out.
And a tree can hit me in the head. He just couldn't get his fucking head around it.
It was drive me up the fucking wall. Drive me up the wall and then also like people acting like these little things were these high concept fucking bits.
They're not. They're quick little fucking things.
Like that dude going, I can do the whole batman superman what if in four seconds yeah of course yes everybody said that yeah superman would just fuck him up that was it and then the old guy was going like so like that's that's what you think would happen sorry that and when you were watching your reality show i tapped out when that girl finally just goes for me after she'd just been talking about herself and then she's gonna talk about herself talking about herself i had no idea my mom was that frustrated that it affected her that way and I just feel like for for me, I know, I really do hate that.

Just for me, I just feel like, for me, I just feel like is not a great way to start a sentence.

You should just say, I think I feel.

All of that reality show speak that you watch, you know, and that made me feel a certain kind of way.

Some type of way.

Thank you. For me.
All of that reality show speak that you watch. Mm-hmm.
You know, and that made me feel a certain kind of way. Some type of way.
Made me feel some type of way. It's always so fucking vague, but some type of way never means happy.
No. Why can't you just say it fucking pissed you off? I don't know.
Maybe because this is a nicer way to say it. Right.
Maybe because you don't want to get into your specific emotions. So you're like, it just had me feeling some type of way.
Oh, no, no, no. There is not one woman on any of those shows that does not want to get into how they're feeling emotionally.
That is what the entire fucking show is. I don't know.
I think it's just the way young people are speaking now. They don't say that made me frustrated or I was really angry.
No, that was like, that was like, you just say, I'm in my feelings. You say, no, I'm really in my feelings.
This is, she was really in her feelings about it. Or I feel some type of way.
That's what people say now, instead of saying, well, those, those real housewives were talking like that. And they're like, they got like 20 year old kids.
Well, because they're trying to be.

You know what I'm being right now?

I'm being the old guy in 60 minutes.

I just can't get my head around.

Why anybody?

I feel some type of way instead of saying I'm.

So no matter how great their lives are, they're always going to yell at each other and pull each other's hair.

I'm doing that.

Yes, Bill.

That's what the fucking show is. And you enjoy this bill that's why i watch it all right hey hey nia you know what fair enough fair enough you feel some type of way about all this oh my god that guy in 60 minutes.
It was like, I swear to God.

I wanted to eat the glass I was drinking out of. Imagine explaining to your dad that whole concept.

Listen.

That's what that man was doing.

Yeah, and my dad would get it.

Your dad would be like, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, sure, sure, sure.

No, yeah, he wouldn't listen.

Yeah, what did you say?

Okay.

Christ, Bill, I'm tired.

Okay, I wouldn't listen. Yeah, what'd you say? Okay.
Christ, Bill, I'm tired. Okay, I don't need to hear this shit.
Oh, I shouldn't tell this story, but I'm going to. What story? I can't tell it.
I can't tell it. Why? Because there's too many people i have to fucking protect all i can tell you is that the authority figure called the house and said ah shit he said listen i can't prove it but i know your son did some, you know, X, Y, and Z.
Oh, right. And then my dad goes, what do you mean? He goes, what do you mean you can't prove it, but you know he did it.
And he goes, oh, Christ, I don't have time for this shit. And he hung up on it.
It was the exact opposite of I'm going to get involved with this shit. I really love that response no my family we're all loners big family but we all just do our own shit and we i'd last thing like the same way i don't want to like like the way i've been paying for three cell phone numbers for the last i don't even realize it to do the backstory one time i was on the fucking road and nea calls up she goes why do you have like three different cell phone numbers what the fuck are you living a double life yeah and i go i don't i got one she goes no you got three i go no i don't i got one she goes i'm looking at the bill right now and what it was It was back in the the 2000s i was like i was so confused slash angry slash annoyed slash okay maybe it's just not what i think it is or whatever but i'm like paying all the bills since you're on the road so i'm like going through everything and i'm like this has three numbers why why on earth would he have three phone three numbers i've only seen one phone does he have a secret phone like a secret cell phone i got a little flip because i know men do that sometimes they have a secret little bat phone all right this is what it was this is what it was back in like 15 fucking years ago wasn't that maybe 12 12 years ago it was when i was with you i would go on the road and this is before like smartphones and all of that and you had to get the internet and you'd i'd go to these hotels and they were charging me like 12.99 a day 15.99 a day and i wasn't making shit on the road and would fucking it would add up and that was still back when you know you'd get sides for your auditions emailed to you.
Then you had to go down to the thing in the lobby. Business center.
And print it out. So they came up with these little things.
They look like hockey pucks, these little round things that you'd get your own internet. I think Bobby Kelly.
Dude, you got to get this, dude. Oh, yeah.
My dad had one of those. Yeah.
And it came with like a with like a phone number or something okay so i got one of those they explained how to do it i did it one time it worked it didn't work again and then i forgot about it to the point i forgot i even had it and then i got another one and then that one i just you know after a while i just got a, and I never look at my bill. I just look, what does it cost? Yeah.
So then, you know, years later. So you've been paying for this number.
I've been paying extra $50 a month, and they're still on my bill. When are you going to take it off, then? I mean, I don't want to, I would rather pay $50 a fucking month than have to sit there, I'm not going to get upset I can't fucking deal with calling up and going I need to cancel this I'm no longer using that's not how it works though you go in and it goes like you know it's the robot and then it's going like if you want to do this, press one.
If you want to do that, press two. And you always are existing at like one and a half.
It's like a little bit three, but a little bit four. You're just like operator.
Operator, operator. Operator.
You press zero. I'm sorry.
That doesn't fucking work. And then the worst thing ever is you get on and you say, yeah, who am I speaking with today burr can i get your zip code can i get you your fucking first first goldfish's name can i get this can i get that can i get that and then you tell them what the problem is and they go okay i'm gonna have to transfer you to somebody else my cologne and they go okay who am i speaking to what is your zip code what is the name of your god it's like i just fucking told you see here i go just fucking told you.
See, here I go. I fucking told you all that shit.

And yeah, I don't want to deal with that shit.

So you'd rather continue to pay this bill for the rest of your life?

No, I want to take them off.

Of course I want to take them off.

I just, you know, that's not my top priority, Nia, is not fucking call.

You saw when I tried to get the NFL network.

I was on the phone for fucking 90 motherfucking minutes with people in Southeast Asia who didn't even know what hockey was. Yeah, you did really good.
I was very proud of you that day. You were so calm.
You were so polite. You didn't freak out.
You missed part of it when you left. I was just like, listen, yeah, you know, I'm not trying to be a jerk, but like this is your second language and you don't even know what the sport is I'm talking.
This would be like if you called me up, and I Rosetta stoned how you speak,

and you want to watch cricket.

Rosetta stoned.

Yeah, and they would just.

She just goes, I'm sorry, I'm in Asia.

Is that going to be a problem?

And then I felt bad.

I'm like, no, it's not a problem.

You know what I'm saying.

She goes, no, I get it.

She was actually great.

The first person was a fucking idiot. It wasn't't a fucking idiot he just was not a smart person he lacked the tools for that situation so no i have i have to do it there's so many fucking if you knew the amount of fucking money that i throw away because i don't want to deal with the infrastructure right the amount of times i've bought a plane ticket okay i buy a fucking plane ticket and then the thing gets canceled and I don't go.
I don't call up. I just eat the price of the ticket.
I do it all the fucking time. All the fucking time.
Because I am not going to www.delta.org. I'm not fucking doing it.
You have to let your travel person do it. Like when I wasn't able to go to Nashville, I emailed her and I said, I'm not able to go.

And then I'll get it.

Oh, good.

I thought I ate that ticket.

No.

And she's like, I'm going to cancel it.

And I said, I'm going to get a note from my doctor.

And so maybe we'll be able to get reimbursed.

And she's like, yeah, I just canceled it.

Like, let me know and we'll do what we can.

I literally like, I think I'm paying for, I paid for hotel room sunday night because we were going to be there through sunday night yeah and rather than just stopping at the fucking front desk and just dealing with that i just leave you never check out i don't check out you never do like the hi i'm leaving how was your stay enjoyable you just

fucking i leave walk out the door and i'm just like wait don't we have to check out you're like

don't send me the bill they'll figure it out you never take the time to check out there's only you

are the first only person i know that doesn't go down there and is like okay goodbye i'm leaving

here's the key see you later you just fucking no i just leave i've done that with like rental cars

Thank you. doesn't go down there and it's like okay goodbye i'm leaving here's the key see you later you just fucking no i just leave i've done that with like rental cars one time i got so shit-faced so late into the night and i didn't realize that a 6 a.m flight i got up and i was still drunk and i was like i can't fucking i i tried to drive it's like i can't drive and my gps wasn't working Cause I was in like fucking, you know, elk deer, fucking Montana or some shit.

I was up, I can't drive. And my GPS wasn't working because I was in like fucking, you know, elk deer fucking Montana or some shit.
I was up in Canada. Elk deer.
You know, yellow knife. You know, they have all that shit.
They're like us. You know, they wiped out the Indians and then they just named shit after them to make themselves feel better.
Right? No, we didn't do that. Who canadians well like white people right yeah you're

not included no i was gonna say watch a trump rally you're not you're not a part of that so anyways like yeah i remember one time i was and i just i gave the keys to the guy at the hotel i go hey can you take that back for me i'm too drunk yeah don't fucking worry about it and i was so fucking shit faced that like when two weeks later they called me up going yeah where's the car i was sitting there and i always give a fake number right so i'm like what do you mean i brought it back how the fuck did you get this number leave me alone they're like sir it hasn't come back yet i go i i fucking i dropped it off i just kept hanging up on him and i don't know there's something like the third time they called I finally was just like, sir, it hasn't come back yet. I go, I fucking, I dropped it off.
I just kept hanging up on him. And I don't know, there was something, like the third time they called, I finally was just like, started thinking.
I was just like, wait a minute. Did I bring that back? And I called up Verzi.
And I was like, Verzi, did we bring that car back? And he was just like, oh, dude, I don't know. I don't remember.
Because he was, you know, we were all pretty fucking, we were out there.

And Barton couldn't remember. And then I was just like, wait a minute, dude.
There was a gig I did and I gave the keys to someone at the hotel. Was that that gig? And then we figured out that it was that gig.
And then they drove down and it was sitting there. That cost me like $1,200.
bucks.

Do you realize the house we could be living in? You are ridiculous. No, I do it.
It's so ridiculous. I do it all the fucking time.
Because I don't give a shit. I don't.
Money to me is just. You're just writing a number on a piece of paper.
And it's just like, just, if you just get past the fact that it actually has value. Do you know what a privilege position you're in to be even to be saying that? I've always been that way.
$50 a month is a lot to a lot of people to just be throwing away. You know what I mean? Like, that's the thing about it.
Listen, don't guilt me because, Nia, I fucking, time out. You have to have some consciousness about it, though.
Time out. Oh, fuck that, Nia.
Fuck that. I didn't know anybody in this business.
I didn't take the safe fucking route, okay, and go for the fucking... I'm going to go do something else.
You earned the rights to blow $50 a month on numbers. No, it's my fucking money.
I don't want to fucking deal with that shit. I tried to be in the office area.
I wore a fucking tie. I tried to do it.
I sat in on meetings and I literally just, all I would think about is like whoever was talking, I wanted to run right at them, dive over their shoulder right through the fucking window and nosedive into the fucking parking lot. I can't live in that fucking world.
So I picked this shit where 99.9% of people fail. All right.
So I took all of my chips. I put it on the fucking zillion to one shot and it fucking came in.
And one of the perks of my fucking business is I don't check out. I walk out.
I walk out. I don't want to talk to you.
I fucking hate when I get into the fucking, just leave me alone. That's the thing.
Just leave me. You don't want to talk to anybody who's like hi can i help you let me get this right you just you don't ever want to deal with any type of customer service on any level leave me alone they're helping you you don't even want to deal with them just leave me i hate when i check into a hotel and then there's a phone call and you pick up hello oh hey hi mr bird just checking to make sure everything was all right with your room this is so much you hate room you hate uh housekeeping services turn down service you hate all of that oh my god when I my last one like the lady was coming in I'm like she's not gonna do it yeah I'm sorry I'm all right I'm all right she just kept coming I'm like I'm all right like get out of here I feel like I I'm all right.
I'm all right. She just kept coming.
I'm like, I'm all right. Like, get out of here.

I feel like I paid for that fucking room.

I got the sign hanging out on the other.

What do I have to have a guard out there?

He wants to be left alone.

What the fuck?

What the fuck does that mean?

Is everything all right with the room?

First of all, I'm an adult.

If there was.

Yeah, there's.

I'm glad you called.

There's water pouring in. I didn't know what to do.
The fucking room's fine. The bed is on the ground.
There's a mattress. And I lie on it.
I know how to use everything in here. That's it.
That's it. Whenever we go to hotels, if we're on vacation or anything, and I'm And I'm like Bill can you Especially if we're in a foreign country I'm like Bill can you call down And you know ask them if they can Make reservations or whatever If it's like a different language Bill always goes no no no You're better at that stuff than I am And I'm like all you have to do Is ask them to do something And he's like no no no I can't You have to do it I'm not good at it I'm not, all you have to do is ask them to do something.
And he's like, no, no, no, I can't.

I can't.

No, I'm not.

You have to do it.

I'm not good at it.

I'm not good at it.

You know, it's funny.

I actually, I got to Nashville so early, right?

And I went into like the sky lounge thing.

I'm not going to say the airline.

I always fly, right?

But I've, you know, I finally, somebody convinced me to fucking, you know, go into the sky lounge area, right? So I go, all i go all right i'll fucking do that but then the stupid but that thing's fucking stupid because then you have to get to the airport early to make it worth it it's like i don't want to be here i want to get here as late as possible immediately get on the plane and get the fuck out of here right so anyways i got really they're really early to nashville didn't know that my fucking plane was going to catch on fire so i go in there and they go uh i go yeah i got you know i don't have my card on me and then they go you know what's your name what was the name of your goldfish and all of that fucking shit and i go through all of that and then she she looks up she goes oh here you are and um i never use miles either that's another thing i always get miles but i've never used them

yeah because i don't want to go on the fucking website and deal with all that i just how much does it cost i'll write it on this piece of paper and fuck off right so she looks in and their eyes just go like like big as saucers she goes you have 8 I was like I thought you have used You want them Cause I ain't going on the fucking website I thought you used miles in the past When I first started Flying with you to gigs Didn't you use them then When I was making no money When I made no fucking money And then we were then we were going to go on vacation, and I wanted to fly first class, they would use up all of my miles. Right.
But then once I started making money, it's like I don't have to fucking deal with that anymore. I hated doing that because I'd call my travel agent and say, oh, I'm sorry, I can't do that.
You have to log on. Just go to fucking Continental.
I used to fly Continental out of Newark all the time you'd have to go to i i i'm not good at it i fucking hate it i would rather i i would rather just just just give give you the money you have to ask our travel person to do it do you know that when i went to meet you no when i went to chicago hey if i get over a million do the pilots come back and say hello like uh they did George Clooney in that movie? Maybe. I'm getting up there.
You are getting up there. But I got bumped or something like that.
And so they give you the voucher, like it's a $300 voucher and whatever it is, $300 voucher. Do you know I took that, I scanned it and I emailed it to her.
And I said, i said by the way i got this voucher so if you can use it towards bill's next flight and she was like oh great actually i can i'm like so on top of that shit you would have been like this fucking voucher i've never no i i lose it i don't even know where it is. Yeah.
No, I hold on to it. What am I, some old lady eating cat food? Once again, this is something that like most people would be like, oh good, I can use this towards the next thing.
And you're just like wiping your ass with it. I'm not wiping my ass with it.
Look how I dress. Like I live, like I'm dressed like Malcolm Young on the Power Rage tour.
Some old white dudes get that reference. I just...
I live within my fucking means, and it affords me an ability to not have to sit there. He got a voucher! Stand there.
All right, sorry. The batteries just died there.
I had to cut this out. First of all, you're making it seem like I'm this spoiled rich kid who goes around burning like lighting hundred dollar bills on fire yeah i've always fucking been that way i've never like when i when i wasn't making any fucking money and i was staying at the ocho de la super way back in the day right and they'd always have like the continental breakfast and you got to get down here by 10 a.m and i did it like one time and i'm standing in line with all these people with these fucking old loafers hoping they're not going to run out of batter for the fucking waffles and i'm just sitting there going like i can go to denny's like a gentleman and just sit down and order a fucking waffle i don't need a free fucking waffle you know what i mean that's like miserly shit to me i get a voucher all of that shit i'm not i'm like i remember one time i was so fucking mad they fucked me over so bad on this plane that i actually did that old lady shit and i and i walked in and i was like i've been waiting and i paid for this and blah blah blah my bag took all this fucking time and then they were just like all right all right you know you got to go on the website and i was like i know what she because you don't think i'm gonna do it you don't think i'm gonna do it i went home and i fucking did it and i took all of that time and then there was you know they just kept calling you know emailing me back and i kept having to confirm shit and then i finally just said ah fuck it i just i don't have the i don't have that fight in me you know what i mean like i don't wait for sales or any of that shit.
If I need it, I go in and I fucking buy it. And whatever it costs me, if that means I can't do something else in my life, I just won't do that.
But for me, you cannot put a price on getting that over with as quick as fucking possible. Yeah.
No, I'm giving you a hard time, but you do have a very healthy attitude about money. You're really good with money.
You've taught me a lot about being responsible about money, but I think I have definitely that mentality of taking advantage of little stuff like that and like, oh my God, this costs extra. I have to cut it out, even if it does inconvenience me in some way.
Like I just have that. I am a coupon person.
I am a sale person. I'm always like, but it was on sale.
It's discounted. Like that's still, I love that shit.
I love that shit. Yeah.
It was on sale. Yeah.
It was still 700 bucks. So you go the other way.
Yeah. But it was on sale.
All of your, shoes and shit. All this shit.
Everything that I buy, for the most part, is on sale. I use so many discounted websites.
Yeah, but it's still expensive as shit. Yeah, but it's not as expensive.
Jesus Christ. I walk around and American Airlines is going to give me a free peanut butter and jelly sandwich because it was 20 minutes late.
late and i'm like hey dude you know what keep your fucking sandwich i'll buy my own sandwich

and you're making me act like i'm a fucking you know a trump or some shit and you're over there

buying like a thousand dollar pair of shoes oh it's on fucking sale drive me nuts with that shit

all right i gotta read some of the i haven't done any of the advertising let me see something

you've been doing down here this whole time huh listening to the rats in the fucking wall

I'm sorry. I haven't done any of the advertising.
Let me see something. What have you been doing down here this whole time, huh? Listening to the rats in the fucking wall.
For me, I just feel like, for me. All right, where's the advertising here? Here we go.
Here we go. Here we go.
I will tell you, like, I don't know. Like, you know know something There's people that I grew up with That were really miserly like that You know and they didn't leave good tips And they just blah blah blah blah It's just fucking paper Just give it to them Make them happy and let's get the fuck out of here But when you don't Let's just get the fuck out of here But if you don't have a lot of it You have to be miserly You have to find a way to like Survive and get what you want And still have something to live I moved to New York City I ate spaghetti every night I had a chair that became a fucking table I ate, I did that all the fucking time I can live on fucking I did it.
But you know something? I still had money in the bank because I saved up for my day jobs because I knew New York was going to be expensive and I wasn't going to be that fucking guy going, oh, God, you know, I'm down to my last 20 bucks. How are you down to your last 20 bucks? How did you get yourself into that fucking situation? OK, I'm talking about white male heterosexual how the fuck did you get yourself in that situation you fucked up you fucked up your money you're an adult right so you know how much money you're making you know what your fucking bills are but you know you start making money and for the first half of the month you you're walking around acting like you make three times as much and then the end of the fucking month You're going to come To me and act like a fucking pound puppy Like you're you know Like the world did you wrong it's like no You fucked yourself over I believe you guys say you played yourself You played yourself Congratulations you played yourself Yeah that's why I hate going to the bank At the beginning of the month i hate it it's a bunch of people whose money is fucked up okay and it's depressing to see because they should have been educated on how fucking money works what do you mean the first of the month when people get paid and there are paydays saturdays the day when the general fucking public goes in there every fucking fifth person is in there yelling through that bulletproof glass and can't understand it's it's it's basic fucking math you put 200 in there you withdrew 200 so you don't have any money left i don't know it's very rare that i fucking stick up for the banks But when there's fucking people in there, I mean, there's all this information online.
You know what I mean? There's all this. This.
I don't know. I don't know.
I always had a job. I have a paper route since I was in third grade.
And then I had money for my football cards and my candy bars. I had my overhead was fine.
And I remember my friends were always like, oh, I'm broke. Oh, I'm fucking broke.
I'd be like, get a fucking paper route. Oh, I don't want to get up.
Well, then go fuck yourself. Supposed to feel bad for you because you can't get doubles at lunch.
You got to go to your mother. How old are you? Oh, I mean, are we eight years old? Are we eight years old? Oh, I'm on my fucking soapbox.
Everybody should live the way I do. A little enterprising BB.
I wasn't enterprising. I just fucking made money, and then I always had it, and I didn't blow it off.
The idea of you was a paper route, so you had money for football cards and candy. This is the cutest thing I've ever heard.
Oh, it's the greatest thing. I love football cards, and I used to ride my bike up to the corner store.
And I would be, I would sit there, little freckle face, me going, do, do, do, do tops football cards come out yet? And they'd be like, no, I'm sorry. And I would check every single day.
Oh my God. And when they came out, when I came out, me and all my friends would buy them.
And then we'd sit there, trade them and stick in the big fucking piece of shit gum that they had that always fucked up the football card usually the best one in the pack and you'd sit there and cut the roof of your mouth because you're trying to chew it down and we would just sit there and yeah root beer candy just all fucking sugar yeah just going through I got Bob Greasy I got OJ got Walter Payton. All these guys.
Way back then. Randy White.
Jack Lambert. I still remember all their names.
It was fucking great. Robert Newhouse.
Rest his soul. So cute.
Yep. I used to make like $6 a fucking week.
I was loaded. Oh, that's a lot.
I was fucking loaded. How old were you when you started the paper route? Third grade? Third grade.
So you're like eight years old? And I kept it all the way to like freshman in high school to the point of like, you know, when the child star is just not cute anymore? No one wants a six foot paper boy. I wasn't, I'm not six feet tall, but that's just a funny number.
Um, yeah. So then, then I, then I immediately went from that to then I just had like a, there was this

weird time. I just didn't, I didn't have a job cause I was too old to be a paper boy.
I felt

and then I was, but I was too young to have a job. Yeah.
Did you have a job in high school?

Well then this, so when I quit my paper route, I didn't have any fucking money coming in and I was

not used to that. I hadn't dealt with that since i was way back in the second grade

this was a crisis this was my first 2008 that i went through so i actually went down i think it

was to the the principal's office and i got a worker's permit that allowed me to work underage

uh is that what i did yeah to get this job that i wanted and during the summertime i used to caddy

Thank you. and he's really bad when one guy really fucking sucked but if they both sucked it was brutal if one guy sliced the other guy hooked and they both were fucking righties that was going to be a long afternoon for you and um yeah i used to do that you know there was a couple i love hearing about like your childhood stuff that you did i just like it's just so funny to me because now i'm picture at first i pictured you little cutie freckle face with your cards and your bubble gum and your orange hair.
I look like a little fucking there's a such thing as an adorable scarecrow. That's what the fuck I look like.
And now you're like a high school kid running around the golf course with two golf bags on you. So you literally have worked your entire life.
Yeah. got this job at this place called more shoe and we were doing the shoe yeah and it was like we i just meant this was the worst fucking job i ever had as far as just like mind-numbingly fucking it felt like 20 hours it was like two hours at the end of every school day i take the bus over and then i would fucking walk home like two miles or some shit like that.
Back when you used to do that as a kid, just walk along a fucking highway and nobody gave a fuck, right? And they had like these little cards, these computer cards with numbers on them. And you had these order forms and you had these little manila envelopes.
I still don't know what the fuck it was. It was something for them to then feed into this computer.
This was like 1984 or some shit. I hated that job.
Then I got into warehousing. And when I got into warehousing, then I got my first loan.
My dad co-signed the loan. For the car? For the car, yeah.
But I put all the down payment. He didn't pay a dime of it.
I bought the whole fuck. I got a three-year loan from danvers savings bank one conant street i still remember writing the thing it was 138 63 a month still remember that shit paid that whole fucking thing off uh ended up getting another paper route with the truck where i would i would drive in the morning you just went back to the paper route was like your phone but i did the warehousing during the day no then i had two jobs and and i was also uh then i got rid of that thing just because my friends teased me oh what are you a fucking paper boy and it felt stupid it was great like yes no but it's like an extra 100 bucks a week which was huge right so i ended up quitting that and um the fuck did i go from there? I tried selling newspaper subscriptions.
Didn't you have a telemarketing type of job? Yeah, I had that. But when I went to college, I went to college part-time, and I paid for my education.
And all the way to my last year, my parents helped me out with that. And I also got a loan from another family friend but I paid all of them back I paid all of them back before I moved down to New York when I started doing stand up I also had a day job and I was still living at home and I was still driving that piece of shit truck that I bought in 85 the red truck right and I drove that thing for 10 fucking years and I remember when the engine died and I was at work and somebody was going like so now what are you gonna do you know what are you gonna buy and I was thinking of buying and I was gonna buy like a Toyota Corolla just something like a comic car that could you know go like 200,000 miles and I finally was just like fuck this man I know I want to move to New York I can spend like you know like a new car like a Corolla back then 90s, it was like 11, 12 grand, which was a ton of fucking money.
Especially for me at that time. Or I could just spend $1,500 and have them rip the engine out and put a new one in.
So that's what I did. And I just remember this woman at work, I've told this story before, she just said, she goes, where's the new car? They're going to get a new car.
I said, you know what, I just had a new engine put in my truck instead and she just made this face she was just like that was stupid and fucking walked away and she was really beautiful too and i was just like you know what it probably was stupid because i guess if i got the new car i could have banged you i don't know so um so i had that truck and that that was the one like the last my first three years of comedy i drove around doing that thing uh that's when i met patrice he rode everybody i knew from back then rode around on that thing and then uh long story short there was an electrical fire and it burned down right before i moved to new york which was fine because having a car in new york is a pain in the ass so when i moved down in new york i had no debt i paid off my student loans i had no credit card debt i had I had, I got myself out from, I had like 700,

the revolving 700 bucks with the credit card debt.

I just got myself out of it

and I didn't buy anything.

I was like,

Jimmy the jet,

take it back.

Don't buy anything.

Don't fucking,

if I could say any advice

to any young person out there,

okay,

when you're young

is when they give you

those credit cards,

man,

do not fucking rack those.

And if you have, you got to knock those, knock those fucking things down.

Yeah.

Okay.

You know, figure out what the fuck you want to do before you're involved in some sort of serious relationship, which is going to be like, but I want to live here.

Fuck all of that.

Get on the path you want to get on.

Eat your fucking spaghetti in the morning. You know, you gotta Whatever you gotta fucking do If you gotta deliver papers in the fucking morning And all this other shit to do it And who knows Maybe then you too can have fucking nine cell phone numbers And not want to get on the phone Can you help me with that? Can you seriously help me with that? Can you just do that for me? Yes.
I mean, I can get through half of it for you, but then eventually you're going to have to get on the phone. I'll just be in the background when they ask the questions.
Yeah, I will help you do that because it's ridiculous that you're continuing to pay for that. But I also thought, too, because I signed a contract on them.
So I'm worried that I can't get out. There's always ways to negotiate your ways out of that.
Like I'm good at that stuff. Tell him that I died.
No, I'm not going to do that. And that you're taking over the thing because then they'll feel bad.
We'll figure it out without telling anybody that you died. Okay.
Well, I'm done for the fucking year as far as gigs. You want to do that? Let's get rid of those other two.
Yeah. I want to see what my bill's going to do.
Let's get rid of any extra shit you're paying for because you don't want a deal. Yeah, let's take care of that, please.
No, I have a lot of shit like that. There's other things that I put.
I remember when I bought this laptop, they were like, do you want to take any classes or anything like that? And blah, blah. And I signed up for all of them.
What do you mean? Like the Apple store. Classes? To like teach you how to fucking get better at this shit.
Oh God, like you were ever actually going to do that. Nope.
Never even went once. Oh, did you tell, did you tell the listeners how you ordered like 20 of those adapters for your new iPhone 7? No, what I did was I was so mad that I ordered five of them.
And then they were just like, yeah, it's going to be 10 business days. I was like, fuck, I can't listen to my music for 10 days.
How am I going to get through my workout? And then the next day I went, I drove down to the Apple store and then they had a bunch of them so i said fuck it and i bought five there and now when i came back i got another five so now i got ten of them this is what you married me a waste of money again it's not a complete waste of money all right well good well it's a good thing i got advertising here so i can fucking blow it on all my cell phone numbers. Adapters.
All right. All right.
You want to read some fucking questions here for the week? Remember when people would order your CD that people would order emotionally unavailable? Yep. And I would help you mail them out.
Yeah, we'd go right down to the mailbox, et cetera. Yeah, we'd sit there and fill out all the little padded envelopes and put them in there.
And you'd be doing 20, 40 or something at a time. We'd go down to mailboxes, et cetera.
You did it all yourself. Yeah.
Yeah. That was fun.
It was fun. That's what you got to do.
All right, here we go. Website suggestions.
Sorry about that, Nia. I just realized this thing's really long this podcast has been really long you're sitting there reminiscing i was like yep i enjoyed that that was a wonderful moment that i had with you moving on it was in those moments that i knew i wanted to marry you all right true huh is that true uh not you know some shit i don't tell the listeners i know when i was going to decide to marry you all right yeah and they're not going to hear when that one's for us all right website suggestions oh i said you know i always go to the same fucking five websites and now that i've been kicked off facebook unless i give them my fucking passport number that's the thing this is the thing i'm telling you you always you just walk you fucking walk did you talk about the whole uh fingerprint thing oh when i bought the car? Yeah, when I bought my Jaguar, they asked me for a thumbprint.
A fingerprint. Why the fuck? I almost laughed.
What car dealership ever? He was so, I really wish you guys could have seen this guy's face when Bill told him no. He didn't know what to do.
Like he was really, his brain kind of broke for a minute because he was just like, and you're like, yeah, I'm not giving it to him. Yeah, what are they not going to sell me the car? Yeah, no, of course they're going to take it.
But he was just so used to people being like, oh, okay, well, that's weird. Okay, whatever, and just getting it over with.
And you just kept being like, no, no, I'm not doing it. No, I said, I'm not giving my fingerprints to a car dealership.
Yeah, he's like, no, no, no, it's for your security and this and that. And you're just like, I'm not doing it.
And you were right. There's like, there's no reason, no matter what they say about security, someone coming in pretending to be you.
No, that's when I have fun with them. I go, look, if you can give me, if you can justify why I'm going to give you my thumbprint, I'll do it.
And then they sit there and they say dumb shit like, well, in case someone tries to impersonate you and buys the car. No.
That's not going to fucking happen. You dealt with like five different people at that dealership.
They know who you are. They're not going to like, no, it's insane.
No, even if I didn't do what I did for a fucking living, I still wouldn't worry about that. You don't give your fucking fingerprints to a car dealership.
Yeah. Those people lie for a living.
What are they going to do with that thing? And then we met a woman who was like, oh, yeah, they asked you that too. And she just did it because she was just like, okay.
And there it is. That's what they asked for now.
And now it's out there. Now it's out there.
And he was like, I've never had anybody say no to this. And what did you say? Oh, I said, yeah, you never met anybody like me before.
I was just talking shit to make you laugh though i saw you smile it's very hard to get you to laugh though i was just talking shit i love that i was actually very much and usually when you get into like difficult bb mode and you are just like giving the other person like the hardest time i prefer to say i'm informed but go ahead, well, when you're unnecessarily giving somebody a hard time who's just trying to do their job and they're already tired. What, take my fingerprints? No, like when you call up the Time Life people to order the easy listening set and you're so short and rude to them when they're just trying to do their job.
No, that fucking asshole. I forget what he asked me for.
They're always trying to upsell, job i know that's it no that fucking asshole i forget what he asked me for they're always trying to upsell yeah no no no he was trying to get all this information out of me like all this extra information like you know like just send me the goddamn yeah just send me the cds and the guy goes well i can't send you the cds unless you fucking there was like some ridiculous thing like my social security they're all all doing this because they stay sharing the information yeah they do sell the information yes true yeah and they don't give a fuck what they expose me to as far as identity theft so i go i'm not fucking doing then the guy goes this conversation's over i go yeah well then it's over go fuck yourself i hung up i was totally. You always paint me out as a bad guy, Nia.

My world, I'm always a victim.

I'm always a victim.

That's certainly true. All right.

Website suggestions.

Because I was always saying I always go to the exact same website.

All right.

Reddit.

Oh, God, no.

They've also mentioned that you have a Reddit sub page and would love for you to do a AMA someday.

You can't ask me anything.

No. They've asked you to do that years ago.
Yeah, I'm not fucking doing that. You can't ask me anything.
Yeah. I'm not fucking sitting there, hey, you've always been a douchebag.
I'm going to fucking sit through that for two hours waiting for like one legitimate question. Yeah, no.
Hey, Billy Red Balls. Yeah, Bill's never going to do an ask me anything.
I'm not saying never say never. If I got maybe an F maybe an f is for family ask me anything i'll do that i just don't understand like i i they can just go very you just have to know i mean or maybe you'll just have to ignore a lot of like bullshit but once again nia i'm walking by the front desk you're not checking i'm not checking out I'm just fucking.
And if that hurts my career, it hurts my career. There are some people who ask genuine questions.
Yes, they are. Yes, they are.
And those are few and far between. The world, Nia, the world has a sweaty hand and a really hot armpit.
Right. I'd be very surprised.
And they're going to put their hand around you when they go to take the picture and you're going to feel their hand drying off into your shirt and your other shoulder heating up. That's what you're going to run into.
And then all the cool people that you really want to talk to are going to be like, oh, I don't want to bother. I don't want to bother this person.
And they leave. Those are the people that you want to talk to.
Yeah. But if Netflix asked you to do it, would you do it? Do what? An AMA.
Yeah. I mean, I'm in business with them.
If they think it's going to sell the show, you can't be a, that's a jerk off move. Yeah.
To get in business with somebody and then not fucking promote it. I mean, look, if they want me to sit on like a Dunkin' Stool.
Oh, if I had, if you know what, if I could do like that guy Drown the Clown, that guy I saw years ago on the Opie and Anthony show, we went to one of those metal fucking festivals and they had this guy, it was called Drown the Clown and this dude just sat there giving people shit. Right.
And he'd make them so mad. It was like Bull Durham and they couldn't fucking hit it.
And he just had like that Crussy the Clown doing that laugh. And I remember, no, he would do the laugh.
He would give them shit and make fun of how stupid they were. And then they would miss.
And he'd be like. And they'd be like fucking grabbing three.
And he just kept going. Oh, my God.
It was so fucking obnoxious. Yes.
And he just really walking by. Hey, look fat guy look at the fat guy uh hey fatty you ever gonna work out you in the purple shirt yeah you're fat doing that and he would just piss him off i forget who i was with no nia i'm telling you i'm doing a bad impression of it because it was so long ago dude i was fucking i was the combination of crying laughing and and then also sitting going like is this the greatest street performer i've ever seen in my life he was fucking amazing fucking amazing i was actually i was kind of jealous of the job like i was like that's a fucking great job oh my god rest his soul can you imagine patrice in that job oh my god people People't want to drown him just so they could hear what the fuck he was gonna say i was gonna say he'd be too good at it he'd be all right here we go uh barstool sports well barstool sports i go to that one uh here's one uh www.slashfilm.com an easy to read non-snarky movie website okay tumblr hey bill search for i thought that was a dating site tinder oh i was gonna say i don't need that with all my cell phone numbers if you're into antique cars you can uh follow accounts that post pictures of classics i use this this to follow music, photography, and arts.

It's endless, and having the app on your phone is a more stimulating way of killing time instead of Twitter.

Tumblr is a good one.

I like Tumblr.

Okay, cool.

Yeah, and by the way, I'm not the only one who's sick

of the same 10 websites to go into.

So if anybody, you know, in the future,

if you guys find some cool websites or whatever, let me know let me know be a bunch of self-promotion here yeah um what's the kardashian thing what you know for me for me for me.com i just feel like all right uh last i was saying i was getting into punk rock how i kind of missed that and i've always wanted get into it, but I just don't know where to go and who's good or whatever. And I was watching this rancid video that led me to watch one of the guitarists gave an interview.
And he talked about this one band, which I already forget the name of, something 69. And the front man blew me away.
And I just don't know shit about punk rock. It always sounded to me like I was joking.

It sounds like angry karaoke.

You know what I mean?

Where they weren't quite in tune singing and shit.

And I just read up on all of this stuff.

And it just interests me.

And so people would tell me bands.

Okay.

All right.

Punk rock bands.

Obviously, The Clash.

I've heard of them.

Operation Ivy.

Dinosaur Jr.

Dead Kennedy.

Kings of Nothing.

Leftover Crack. The Meteors.
to them operation ivy dinosaur jr dead kennedy kings of nothing uh leftover crack the meteors um all right well you know something the dead kennedys i've listened to i'll have to check out you know black flag and all these bands like my my brother some of my brothers used to listen to this shit and i just couldn't get into it and now i'm really finding that i'm liking'm liking it. So I'm definitely going to check them out.
I'll definitely check out Kings of Nothing, Leftover Crack, and The Meteors, because I never heard of any of them. I've heard of Dinosaur Jr.
I heard of them, too. I thought that they were more like a college band.
Me, too. All right, Nashville.
Maybe somebody's fucking with me. Maybe that'd be funny, too, by the way.
Donnie and Marie. All right, Nashville.
Hey there, Billy Benchmark. I was at your 9.30 Nashville taping and it was amazing.
I remember every minute of it like it was a Super Bowl. Can't wait till it comes out.
When does it come out? Are you watching South Park this season? Go fuck yourself, buddy. Thank you.
Yeah, the 9.30 show was fucking crazy. And I just hope it all comes together well.
I've already looked at some of the pictures and shit and i'm just i fucking i hate going through the editing process you gotta do it i gotta do it all right applause or laughs are you watching south park they asked uh my brother said it's it's been excellent this season just i know why you always tape the simpsons i love the simpsons can we tape south park too it's like the best social commentary for almost 20 years in a row yeah um yeah yeah no i mean i should be watching it too i completely i forget about it okay all right applause or laughs hey bill i was watching one of your older specials because i fucked up and forgot to get tickets to the one you filmed on friday uh by the way congratulations i can't wait see it. Thank you.
Why is my stomach grumbling? I bought all this fucking... I know, because we ate KFC.
Yeah, we ate shit food. And we should not have.
No. Well, I ate so well up to the special.
I kind of went off the rails this weekend. But starting them off, I'm getting back into it.
All right, on this particular special, why do I do this? I notice a lot of people in the crowd cheering versus laughing.

So here's a simple question.

While on stage, what gives you a greater sense of accomplishment,

laughs or applause?

That's a really good question.

Thanks.

And fuck those people who tell you to fuck yourself.

Huh.

That's a really good question. That's a really interesting question.

Well, the applause is an applause break usually like a laugh goes into an applause it's never like you just say something if you just say something and nobody laughs and they just applaud then you kind of made a statement and that's that's like the douche chill moment like i mean what they really need to be doing is spending more money on education right that you're doing that during a comedy show that's a rough one you know so you'd rather laughter yeah I much yeah I like when they're laughing I will say that applause is great too but sometimes during like a taping then that's when it just as a rookie you'll feel weird like oh my god they're clapping and they're all overly amped up because they know they want you to have a good special so they're clapping and then you don't know what to do but they'll always edit around it because they can make it shorter so for the comics out there don't worry about those moments they can also if you have a dumb look on your face like please stop clapping so i can get to my next joke they'll just go to a fucking the master shot and they won't see that look on your face and you'll be fine you'll be fine um but yeah i definitely like i like making people laugh to the point that they can't clap that's what i i would prefer um you know i of course don't always do that but uh there are guys out there that i've seen like like it's hard for like a brian regan level funny guy when i would watch him live to uh for the crowd to even be able to applaud because they're laughing so hard yeah he's the first guy I ever saw made somebody slump over.

Like there was an empty chair next to this lady.

I think the other person fucking went, ran to the back of the room.

He was killing so hard. I like that kind of laugh.

The woman was just fucking.

I like that kind of laugh where you like, you've seen when I laugh really hard

and if I'm sitting down, I get up and I like run away because I'm laughing so hard.

It's too much.

I love that kind of laugh.'s like that Apollo laughter because you know how like black people at the Apollo if they're laughing really hard they're like freaking out and like getting out of their seat and just like waving towels and shit like yeah the whole and like hitting each other like when we think something's funny we think it's really fucking funny yeah and when you don't think it's funny oh you really don't think it's funny yeah that's what i learned during those rooms black crowd's gonna have fun with or without you so you you better basically yeah they're gonna laugh with you or they're gonna laugh at you you. There's no pity laughter.
There's no pity applause. No, we don't do that.
You better be funny. Oh, some of the fucking heckles I got in those rooms.
The worst is when they would just be talking to each other about how not funny you were. I'll never forget, just on stage, just bombing.
It was was just dead silence i just heard this woman in the middle of the crowd she just goes she just looked around at everybody she just goes i ain't laughed yet i'm just like oh my god oh god oh and there was no there was no oh god i love black audiences There was no. It was so much fun because yeah, there's no politeness.

Yeah, if you're in the crowd.

If you're in the crowd.

No, of course.

Yes. If I was on stage.

On stage.

It would be so rough, but it's so enjoyable to be a part of it because nobody cares about

your feelings.

Oh, not at all.

Not even, not even fucking remotely.

Whenever I did a black show. I haven't left yet.
No, just so like. That's hilarious.
But terrible for you. Sorry.
No, she was right though. Whenever I did those shows, yeah, I always felt like in the end, whenever I did the uptown rooms, as they call it, you'd off stage and you you asked yourself one of two questions one why am i not world famous yet or two what the fuck did i ever why the fuck did i ever think i should ever even be in this business because it went one way or the other you either murdered yeah or you wanted to crawl out of there yeah talent you Talent used to have this room, LaBar Bat, on the fucking Upper West Side.

It was after work, Black Crown, and it was every other fucking time.

Every other time I killed, every other time I fucking ate it.

Oh, man, I saw them fucking.

Jimmy Mack, Uncle Jimmy Mack, rest his soul. Yeah.
I saw him one time. He was having a tough set.
I think I bombed. It was just one of those fucking crowds.
They just weren't laughing that week. Every other week they'd laugh.
Every other week they weren't. And he was having a tough set.
And I just remember he was bombing so bad. And this woman was heckling him so bad he had to bring up his career.
He started talking about his IMD to he goes uh he brought up how he did comic view or something like that and like he goes i don't give a shit he's like bitch i don't give a fuck you don't think i'm funny you know i got a career and she just went like uh i can't remember how she said she said n word what career and then just dressed him down i remember i had to go on after it and like Jimmy was the man right he was the fucking man i'm just like this guy's got 10 years on me if he can't handle this fucking crowd what's gonna happen to me and they would just like he got off and then i went up talent went up and talent had this this tag uh where he would get the worst tag that talent could say after of set was with when he would go up he would come on y'all comedy ain't easy when he said that you were the guy who bond was just like oh fuck right so uh he he already did for jimmy come on y'all comedy ain't easy right the only time i ever saw him have to do it for j for Jimmy because he always killed. And then he brought me up there.
Oh, God. Oh.
Oh. I thought about that fucking show for like a month.
I would just think of the shit that people said to me. I'd be in the shower thinking of it and just it would pop into my head and I'd do that thing.
Like trying to shout it out of my head. But here's the thing though, Bill, because you always talk about how heckling like is

a part of standup comedy, right?

Absolutely it is.

But the thing is though, I don't know, maybe I just don't get it, but I just feel like

you don't do that.

You don't fucking heckle.

You let people go up and do their thing and then like that's it. Like you don'tle people At a play You don't Well I guess people do Heckle people at Concerts and shit like that Sort of But for the most part You don't Why is it that stand up That's what makes stand up awesome Creates this environment Where people really feel like They need to interact with you To that level Because you're standing there And you're You not giving a speech.
You're talking to them. Okay.
So like, I think it's that like bands get heckled and all that. I love hecklers.
I did that to me, like. But you're not, but you don't want to encourage people to be heckling to a point of disruption.
No, no, like not, not to that level, but like. Like it's i don't know it's it's i always thought it was it was the most terrifying thing when i started out like what am i gonna do because you knew it was gonna happen what am i gonna do when i get heckled what am i gonna say and blah blah blah blah like what the fuck is going to happen and um and but watching seasoned vets handling it handling hecklers was uh was like this art form it was an art form within the art form so and you're really you're really good at handling hecklers but I can see why some stand-ups wouldn'tups would want those people tossed from the place because they're disrupting the shit.
And what, you're going to spend your hour, your material that you're working on so hard on to have it fucked up by somebody in the crowd. Richard Pryor got heckled in his own stand-up special.
If he didn't whine about it, I don't think anybody else should be okay if if the crowd's gonna heckle him like what are you what are you fucking special like i i look every every comedian can run this shit the way that they want to run this shit but like i look at it like i say a lot of fucked up things on stage that are gonna make you know i always fucking give women shit and like are they really supposed to just sit there And not say anything You know when I go down south I'm always talking I'm always fucking around Going you know when you guys came here You took a shit in your outhouse And you came down here at some point Somebody's gonna So obnoxious You definitely like to push people's buttons that way

That's for sure

Yeah

Cause it's fun

That's what people did

You're a provocateur

No I'm not

It's just

It's breaking balls

And then they bust your balls back

And then it's funny

Okay

Yeah

I guess I understand that

I don't know

I don't

I do get annoyed When some people Like they'll say like, do they heckle at a Broadway play? It's like, dude, you're not doing this isn't Broadway. All right.
All right. Twinkle toes.
Go fucking put on your tap shoes and get a cat suit. That's the way I look at it, though.
You wouldn't you wouldn't heckle a Broadway show. Why are you heckling a comedian? Because you don't go to a Broadway show and somebody, hey, look at this fucking jerk off.
What do you do for a living? That's a good point. Yeah, they don't do that either, right? How long is this podcast? I don't want to be torturing people.
Oh, who gives a shit at this point? I've got to read the rest of these things. All right.
Getting off heroin. Oh, by the way, you know, they were mentioning all those punk rock bands.
I actually found a band that I thought was pretty cool because I was watching a YouTube video. Let me see if I can remember this.
What do you call this kind of music, Nia? Trick hop? Trip hop. Trip hop.
I don't know what the fuck.

This is mid to late 90s, early 2000s.

Mid to late 90s.

This is my college years.

It was all about trip hop

and being... The supreme

beings of leisure.

It was like them. It was like

Porter's Head. Wait, wait, wait.

You just finished that like you knew who the fuck they were.

Now, I downloaded this. It was one of the few times you didn't know who they were.
I did not know who they were. And then you just, no, but you just chimed in like you knew.
Because I'm trying to, oh, Jesus Christ. No, no, no.
I know what you're doing. You know Massive Attack, though, right? No.
You know Porter's Head? I've heard of them, yes. What about Sneaker Pimps? Yep.
Yeah. Was there a reason for any of that? I was just saying, they all sort of lived in that same country.
Oh, okay. Trip Hoppy, Electronica.
All right, let's see what I've downloaded recently. Supreme Beings of Leisure.
Leisure. Oh, I pre-ordered the Pretenders new one, Alone.
It's got Jim Keltner on drums. The fucking album sounds crazy, man.
Leonard Cohen has a new album, and I was listening to some of the songs, and I love Leonard Cohen, though. Well, if you're a Pretenders fan, this is a fucking great album.
I was listening to that shit when I was getting your chicken. I downloaded Rancid.
Did the pretenders sing the theme song to friends? Green Day. Is that them? I thought I'd download.
Oh, it didn't fucking transfer. Then I downloaded that fucking punk band.
Wait, Bill. Oh, you know what I downloaded? Because I was working with T-Rex, Todd Rex.
We were laughing about that song Dream Weaver and we were singing it. Eric Smith?

So,

no, that's Dream On.

Oh.

You know this song, right?

Am I going to have to pay for this?

You know this.

I just closed my eyes today.

This fucking song,

after you did your... Cosmic, man.

This is the shit.

Like, after your day's done, the thing you didn't want to do, and you finally fucking got through it, right, you take your drug of choice, you get behind the wheel of your car, I'm joking, you don't do that, this is, he's so intense here, Jesus fucking Christ, this guy, yay, I've heard this song a million times. I don't know the words.
You know the deal. And then it kicks the fucking drums.
Come in, right? Dream weaver. Did the pretenders sing the theme song to friends? Was that them? Who was that? What? Wasn't that a Wasn't that a kind of...
No. All right.
I don't know. The pretend to Chrissy Hyde.
Oh, that's who that is? If Keith Richards was a chick. Never mind.
How dare you? Chrissy lives in her own lane, though. I mean, she did model herself after, like, Rockstars, of course.
But, like, she exists in her own space. That was a nice recovery.
after you suggested that she did model herself after like rock stars, of course, but like she exists in her own space.

That's that was a nice recovery.

If you suggested that she did the fucking friends.

Didn't she do like third rock from the sun?

I didn't realize that she that was her band.

All right.

Well, you're you're almost a millennial.

That's like that's a new excuse for older people.

I'm fucking with you.

All right.

Let's get through here. Getting off heroin.
Oh, here's a millennial. That's like, that's a new excuse for older people.
I'm fucking with you. All right.
Um,

let's get through here.

Getting off heroin.

Oh,

here's a good one.

Um,

hi,

Bill.

Just wanted to say,

thank you.

Your podcast is a big reason that I am finally having some success in getting off the dope.

Thanks.

PS brotherhood slash TV series equals fantastic.

Uh,

that's great,

man.

I don't know what I'm doing to help you get off dope but uh if you listen to this helps you uh please keep doing it i told you i met i met a kid you know what it is because now he doesn't have to take dope because he listens to one hey hey i'll be here all week i told you i met this kid that told me that he was in a recovery and that you listen your comedy and stuff really helped him get him through because he was having

really dark days and so to be

able to laugh was really helpful. I thought

that was amazing. It is.

Not necessarily funny

but we'll continue

on. I got like three more these I gotta fucking read.

Well, why don't you just save them for

Thursday? Lady, because you know

what? Oh, great tease. Great thing

you brought that up. Fucking guess who I'm having as a guest? Who? Joe Rogan.
Oh, is he going to bring some elk burgers? Elk meat. Finally making his first appearance.
His first appearance. How exciting.
He'll be on the Thursday afternoon, just before Friday, Monday morning podcast. All right, lady in law school.
All right, Nene, maybe this is for you. What's up, Billy Butterballs? I'm 27 and a fellow Hockamock alum.
I just moved down to CT from Connecticut, okay, from Boston for law school. There's this girl who I hit it off with right away.
She's beautiful and we really click. I found out she had a boyfriend about two weeks into school.
Oh, about two weeks into school and backed off. But there was still little subtle hints that she was into me.
Fast forward to our school Halloween party mid-October. She gets hammered and tells me to man up and make a move.
Me being the sober guy that I am denied her advances because she's still in a relationship the following day she breaks up with her boyfriend and we ended up making out a couple days later she soberly confesses her feelings for me to which i affirm my own this is going good right this is all quality everything was above board literally two days later she tells me she doesn't want anything romantically and needs to focus on herself. No disrespect to the ladies, but I've been through this shit before where a newly single girl flip flops with their feelings.
I think everybody flip flops when they're newly single. My question is, what should I do? I feel like an idiot for telling her I feel and then getting rejected.
You shouldn't. You shouldn't feel.
You know, you were a man. You said how you felt.
Exactly. exactly and you were very respectful of those relationship boundaries so i don't think you've done anything wrong here you said on the one hand i want to say fuck her but on the other hand i want to remain friends i also literally can't avoid her um if you're ever in new haven check out the owl it's a solid cigar bar looking forward to all your new material coming out thanks and go fuck yourself I like this guy Yeah, here's the deal dude It's going solid cigar bar.
Looking forward to all your new material coming out. Thanks and go fuck yourself.
Um, I like this guy. Yeah.
Here's the deal, dude. It's going to take way too much energy to fucking sit there and try and not to look at her and all of that shit.
So just, uh, you know, you said what you fucking felt about her. She's not in that place in her life.
So, you know, that's where she's at. You were both honest.
Just leave it at that. When you see it, just say, hey, how are you? How are you doing? I mean, just keep it at that.
How was your weekend? Oh, that's great. Just keep it like that.
And keep it light, but don't get sucked into the because who knows? Like she might try to suck you into the horse. She's going to.
She feels lonely this weekend. Of course, she's going to.
Let's make. Oh, my God.
Too much back and forth. Like you.
It's a slippery slope. So don't get sucked back into it.
So be cool. Don't like ignore her.
Don't be weird. But don't.
Yeah. But you know how women are going to be.
Don't try to be friends with this girl. And the more he fucking stays, though, don't try to be friends with her.
The more friendly, the more he fucking does that, though, the more she's the more she's gonna fucking want him though that's how it works if he's just if he's

just like look i respected what you said the other day i feel like you're in a very highly emotional

state where you're going to be flip-flopping and i have to protect myself so no i'm busy

you know i definitely want to be friends with you but let's just just leave it at that that that

will fucking drive her nuts of course and when if she keeps saying no she'll to be friends with you. Well, let's just leave it at that.
That will fucking drive her nuts. Of course.
And if she keeps saying no, she'll end up blowing somebody else in that class just to get back at her. Well, let her spiral.
Okay. You know.
I probably shouldn't have said that last shit. I'm just fucking, I'm just trying to be funny.
But no, dude. Okay.
You went in. Look how, look at her.
You got two seconds into knowing that chick. You want to fucking know her for four seconds? You want to keep coming back? I wouldn't.
I would just stay friendly with her and I would leave it at that. Friendly but not friends.
There's a difference. You don't need to be.
That sounds like an Oprah book. Friendly but not friends.
Oh, I like that. Because that's how you get yourself friend zoned as a male or a female.
Doing that thing where we're like, oh, but we're still friends. No, we're really good friends.
And we're actually like really good friends. It's like, no.
If someone has feelings and someone doesn't or someone has feelings and someone's flip flopping, you can't be friends only with that person because it's uneven. A friendship is when two people have mutual respect for each other and you're on the same wavelength.
You can't fully be friends if one is always pining for the other. That shit just doesn't work.
So like at this time in her life, he can't be friends with her. Friendly, what's up? How you doing? How was your weekend? Great.
Boom. Moving on.
That's it. I agree.
He wants to fuck us. That's the problem.
Yeah. We'll let him deal with all of that shit you know we just give out information neither one of us are professionals if you want to listen to it not at all all right killing it at warehouse job hey bill a while back you talked about working at your old warehouse job and going in every day and killing it well inspired me to seek out one of those jobs and i've been at this job for about a month Let me tell you, I fucking love it.
The physical work is great, unloading trucks and taking big pallets of products and stocking them in the back room. I fucking love that job, man.
I love that job. I've been doing so, and the truck drivers are fucking hilarious.
There's so many artists and shit that work in warehouses. There's so many people that played in bands and were just funny.
It was fucking great. All the suits in the carpet area.
area it was terrible um anyways he says uh i've been doing so well that one of the leaders told me that my boss was bragging about me in a meeting with the corporate headquarters they even support me in my music and concert photography career as well i told you it's always artists out there he said i photographed metallica up close and personal here in minneapolis in august i worked worked my way up to getting 40 hours a week and i'm loving the progress now my question is when you think it's an appropriate time to ask for a raise or ask about benefits uh i've only been there a short time but i think i proved myself valuable to the company and want to move forward as quick as i can uh would like to hear your thoughts thank the inspiration. Well, it seems to me that you got this other fucking thing that seems like a way better job.
If you're taking pictures of Metallica, isn't that the direction you want to go in? I mean, I would use this day job as a way to keep yourself afloat financially until you get your photography business to a level where you can do that full time and not need to worry about anything else. But either way, no matter what you want to do with your life, you don't kill it for a month and then be like, hey, all right, I did something for you.
Can I do something for me? I was going to say, I mean, not to be cynical, but I'm sure they love you now. But as soon as you ask for more money, I think that shit's going to flip on you real quick.
Yeah, You got to be careful. They're not your friends.
Wait. What it is is, you know, you got to figure out when the review is.
Yeah. Some places have a six month.
Some have a year. That's when you ask.
You don't dictate your own. Like this guy's acting like he was like a fucking one month free agent.
Yeah. Don't mistake their like encouragement them wanting you to now, and while we're at it, let's give this kid $10 more an hour.
Yeah, but that is going to, they'll probably be like, maybe we can move this guy up for a position or something like that. So it's all good that they're saying that stuff.
Yeah, yeah, for sure. It's definitely positive, but just, I don't know.
breastfeeding in public dear ah yes dear billy crimson tits let me see this is why

don't you ask me anything because this is all it's gonna be there are so many billy like when

you were on the simpsons someone wrote oh billy yellow nips is gonna be on yep uh let me say

congrats i like it i think it's funny let me say congrats on the pats having early season success

Thank you. billy yellow nips is gonna be on yep uh let me say congrats i like it i think it's funny let me say congrats on the pats having early season success i am from the bay area and we are hoping the giants get into the playoffs again to win their fourth even year world series in a row the bay oh the giants the uh okay i see the baseball um well this is an old one they're knocked out of the playoffs recently i was traveling through columbia with my girlfriend we were in the airport when we randomly saw a woman breastfeeding her baby just out in the open in one of the terminal waiting areas uh what was weird is as she was doing it she was looking around making eye contact with everyone who was walking by.
The way a dog looks around a park while it unloads a dump. My initial reaction was saying to my girlfriend, oh, man, that's gross.
She's she is breastfeeding. Apparently, this opened the floodgates of feminism.
My girlfriend responded, why is that gross? That's hypocritical. you men to see boobs uh but when it's for you when it's for nature's purpose you complain i then responded well the ass purpose is to shit and men are turned on by a nice ass are women now going to start taking dumps publicly since that is the butt's primary purpose that's a great fucking point.
No, it isn't. Yeah, it is.
It's not the same at all. What are you talking about? Shitting in public cannot be compared to breastfeeding in public.
They are not the same thing at all. That is what's called a false equivalency.
I don't know. It's both you're excreting something from your body and people don't want to look at it.
She responded that there is an obvious difference. Yeah.
Since then, my girlfriend has been sending me all these pro-public breastfeeding videos of moms defending the action. I find it amusing how women all defend it and encourage it but they know how creepy it is so most of them won't actually publicly breastfeed with their own kids i explained to my girlfriend that it isn't the rack sighting that annoys us obviously since most of us guys enjoy a nice set it's more just the public nature of witnessing a baby drink its dinner off its mother's utters yeah he goes i felt like a chump because i was having trouble explaining why it's not okay to publicly breastfeed no it's okay to do it but like you have the right to look at and be grossed out um could use some ammo in this argument and I'm interested in hearing my favorite comedian rant about this subject.
I have a feeling we might. You just can't have a difference of opinion.
Hey, can you be an adult? Can you be an adult and let me finish reading this? He's got to put it like he needs ammo in this thing. You just fucking disagree.
It's fine. Are you done? Can I have some ammo so I can slap my girlfriend upside the head with some facts, man? Some male facts.
Oh, yeah. As opposed to what? Female facts? Yeah.
We're the ones doing it. And let me just.
I'm just. No, I'm just going to.
Can I just finish the fucking thing? No. Okay.
I'm going to say right now. Okay.
Just because you have found that there are most women who wouldn't just whip it out and breastfeed in public. And it's the same.
A lot of women I know wouldn't feel comfortable doing. I wouldn't feel comfortable doing it.
I would want to cover myself up. But if a woman is not covered up, I support her right in doing that.
So just because we wouldn't do it ourselves personally doesn't mean that we're not going to want it for other people. Shit happens.
That kid's hungry. You don't always have your scarf or your cover-up or whatever.
And this kid is screaming and crying and you're stressed out. Here, put a tit in its mouth and so it'll be quiet and be fed and move on.
It's not that big of a deal. You can avert your eyes and keep it moving.
What is the problem? No, I'm just saying it's fucking weird to look at. It is a little off-putting to be like, oh shit, she's breastfeeding.
But like, move on, get over it. It's literally a second of your life to look, register, and move on.
That's what he did. He doesn't need ammo.
So then why is he writing you needing ammo? Hey, hey, take your voice down, Nia. Take your voice down.
Don't act like me. Needing ammo in order to come back to his girlfriend with, you know, these pearls of wisdom.

Because, no, because he's young and he thinks he's actually going to change your fucking mind.

Like, because he should have just said, hey, fair enough.

Agree to disagree.

Look, all he did was he fucking looked at it and he had the natural, his natural fucking reaction.

Which, of course, feminists are going to say, no, man, that's not the natural reaction that was put into you by the fucking males that run society and all that fucking shit. Like this shit that guys do in public, I am sure that is totally fucking legal.
That is disgusting. Like when you're adjusting your balls.
Yeah. Do men even realize when they're doing doing it like sometimes they're just having a conversation with you and they just like tug on their balls some men know more than others some don't some you know more than others but like here's my thing you know if they're gonna sit there and talk about man spreading like the way we sit on trains but you can fucking whip your titty out and we're supposed to be like hey you know blah blah we can't have a comment on that you guys are just so fucking and when i say you guys i mean feminist like you guys are just so fucking like looking at shit just one fucking way that it's it's i don't know like it it gets you you're doing that classic fucking thing where it starts off it's a good cause and then by the end of it you come out the other side you're not a hundred percent what the fuck you were fighting but you have all like a lot of the same elements of shouting people down not wanting to hear the rest of the fucking guy's stuff you know you want to be listened to but this guy here is just being honest to how he feels and it makes you feel a certain type of way over the fuck you say it and then you fucking shout it down and all right fair enough yeah there you go fair enough there you go and you're right i did shout it down and i did like cut it off because i was annoyed by it but i think what it is is that there is just this this feeling of such like i i don't know i feel like the reaction is disproportionate to what they are reacting to.
I feel like a child being fed from its mother, which is a very natural thing, and the reaction that some men have to it is so disproportionate. It's ridiculous.
What is the reaction, the reaction is that he's comparing it to shitting in public. That to me is disproportionate to a child feeding off its mother.
Really? To me. You think it's like shitting in public, sir? I thought it was, no, he doesn't think, that was a clever fucking comeback to what she said.
It's not that clever. It's fucking hilarious.
It's dumb. That just means you don't have a good comeback for come on you guys why you know what i'll tell you nothing like a fucking feminist to come along and take the suck the laughter out of the room he was the one asking for ammo about how to deal with this fact that like i and listen his yeah his girlfriend probably when she jesus christ we did another hour since I turned this Fucking thing on, this is like a fucking two hour Podcast, this is like the longest one ever Oh no, that's not good, that's too long, right People don't want it to be that long Yeah, it's probably too long Anyways, Nia The end of the day, okay You know, people have a right to fucking react.
They certainly do. They do.
Like, they look at something, they're like, ugh. Okay? The same fucking, like, you're not allowed, you know, with all of that type of shit that falls on the other side of the fence, you're not allowed to have your natural reaction to it.
It's automatically considered that there's something fucking wrong with you and something like that. Dude's a lot of fucking like here's another thing too like there's also there's also like but there's also like teenage kids walking around and all of that type of shit and you're whipping your fucking titty out you can't walk around topless it's considered indecent exposure in this fucking country right okay there's kids walking around blah blah blah blah you're a fucking titty, and then you take a little mini-me at you and you stick it on the end of it.
I mean, yeah, there's something very alien about it. For guys, it's just weird.
I know, but the thing is... And we have a right to feel that way.
I'm not saying we're right in what we're thinking. But nobody says shit on Bourbon Street during Mardi Gras, and that's not as natural as it is to feed a child.
Not to me. What do you mean always says shit? Nobody says shit on Bourbon Street and Mardi Gras when girls are flashing their tits for some like two cent plastic beads made in China.
Then it's all good. Then it's like shots for everybody.
No, but that's what it's like. Someone's feeding their child.
Yeah, but that's not legal. Goddamn airport.
It's not legal. But you don't see men being like, can you believe the way she just like they're into it.
But a woman is feeding her child at the airport And all of a sudden it's like shitting in public No because all of a sudden That is disproportionate Because I can't even fucking give I got such a great example But I can't fucking say it Why not? You're looking at the breast And when they're just shaking their tits or whatever It's like yeah okay And then all of a sudden there's a baby eating off of it. It's like, whoa, what the fuck? To people who don't have babies.
It's weird. It freaks you out.
Like, oh yeah, that's right. They also do that.
And it's also kind of fucking weird. You're just sitting there eating a sandwich and then you look down the thing.
I know, Nia. I know the whole fucking world needs to just be like oh okay fuck all our feelings like that's that's how this this feminist shit is going where it's just your guy's side is 100 right the way you see shit is 100 right and a lot of times most of the shit you're bitching about guys had wrong and i agree with it but but this whole fucking thing that men cannot have fucking opinions you guys can tell us how to sit down on a fucking subway but we can't have a fucking reaction to i look i don't give a fuck if a woman breastfeeds i don't but like when i see some guy who has a reaction to it and then he gets yelled at like he he wants women not to be able to vote anymore i just think it's a bit of a fucking overaction.
I just think that it's interesting that there are certain men who are more comfortable with seeing breasts sexualized than they are for what they are intended for. Stop saying sexualized like they're being exploited.
They are more accepting of seeing a woman's breasts being used in a sexual manner than they are for the purpose of what breasts are for,

which is basically to feed children.

That's not all they're for.

Because otherwise they're just fat deposits.

No, that's not all they're for.

What do you mean that's not all they're for?

It's for the survival of mankind in that nice Iraq

attracted a fucking male,

and he comes over and he bangs you,

and then when you guys die, there's other people there's also that so in other words for like procreation listen there's there's no way to win this fucking argument because women want to be attractive you want attention yeah but you want it when you want it you want it how you want it. And guys have to know exactly when that is or when it isn't.

And if they don't, if they don't fucking guess right, it's like the end of a Tom Cruise movie when he's trying to clip which fucking wire one's going to blow it up.

The other isn't.

And if you don't 100% know when that fucking thing is, then you are like, I don't know what.

You're the worst fucking person on the planet.

So what are you saying? Just shut up and take it? However you get it? No, that's not what I'm saying. Why do you have to go to that level of extreme? And your Tom Cruise analogy, like the red wire or the blue wire is not extreme? No, I'm saying it's just like no matter what the fuck we do,

we're wrong.

It's like you want to fucking put

on a fucking push-up bra and have your

tits in everybody's fucking face so

ladies, we're not paying for drinks

tonight, right?

Your fucking little skirt barely covering your

fucking hoo-ha, okay?

And then all of a sudden

in a blink of a fucking eye is what the fuck are you looking at i'm talking about that shit and you know that shit you know what i'm saying i know what you're saying but i don't know what that has to do with breastfeeding and any of that kind of stuff because that's not what we're talking about well you let it into the whole thing like you know you you you look at like sexualized breasts where all it it always comes steering around well because that is more acceptable than a child being fed off of like the breasts and i don't understand why that is why that's more comfortable because you're not a man to be like you're not a man well then fine maybe that's what it is but like you that's something that i feel like people need to get over i would not breastfeed public without being covered, but if a woman needs to do it, I get it, and it shouldn't offend anybody. I think people can just think what they think.
I think people can just think what they think. I think people maybe need to work on the way that they think and progress a little bit.
That's how we get to find a little bit more understanding between the sexes so we don't have the same goddamn argument

every year. It's like the same fucking argument.
We're not getting anywhere. I don't understand.
All right, but you know how that works? That progressing thing works? The only way there's progression in it is if men see the world the way women want them to see the world. That is the so-called progression between the sexes right now.
That's what's fucking annoying because all of my shit is just considered ignorant and not valid and i'm a caveman and all of your shit is applause break talk show shit 100 and women can literally do exactly to men what the fuck they don't want done to them in different ways and it's just and it always if if a guy gets fucked over by a woman what do they say well he picked her shouldn't have married her you know what i mean you guys aren't necessarily held accountable for your actions when you pick a bad dude if you pick a bad guy and he's a fucking piece of shit then it's you know not only not your fault it's the guy's fault and it's all men's then all men have to sit down and listen to a fucking lecture or read a sign on a fucking subway like we're all walking around dragging women down the street by the fucking hair but there's no signs on the subway or anywhere else about the fucked up behavior that a lot of women display with men. Okay.

So that i can accept that okay so that's all i'm saying so this is another fucking thing where it's like your guys reaction literally to how men sit on the fucking subway is 100 validated i can't be like listen i got balls i don't want to smash them between my thighs fucking get over it i don't i don't have that option you can be like well fuck you i gotta breastfeed my kid get over it the way you look at it is fucked up but our whole shit is we have to be like oh really is this is this is this issue 9 863 of this fucking month that bothers you like you guys are these faultless fucking human beings. Like I said in here, most of that feminist shit, I fucking agree with it.
But, like, it's just every fucking day now, every day now, there's some new fucking thing. It's a fucking lecture.
It's seeped into the comedy clubs. Everything is just so fucking precious now.
It's stupid. Well, I know.
Political correctness is like, across the board, can be... I'm going to have to edit out like nine hours of this shit.
The enemy of creativity and stuff like that. I definitely agree with that.
It's childish. But I just feel like when it comes, I just...
Political correctness is yet another thing. its heart was in the right place, but it solves absolutely nothing.
No, I understand that. All you did was you gave truly horrible people a roadmap of words where they can navigate from one side of the river to the other and still have their fucking job.
But what's in their heart is still in their fucking heart but they can say native american african-american uh um whatever whatever the fuck you're supposed to say post post person milk person it's just it's just fucking annoying to be like hey give me some ammo so i can tell my girlfriend why women shouldn't breastfeed in public like that just sounds like some ignorant shit to me It sounds to me like he's losing the argument and she's probably affecting the mood of the fucking, he's too dumb to just let it go because he's young. That's what he's doing.
And I imagine right now that she's probably using sex as the lack of sex or whatever to now punish him. And now he's walking around like a fucking little puppy that got slapped on the snout with a fucking newspaper like a lot of guys in relationships people that are just modest about that kind of stuff i had a friend over not too long ago and she brought her six month old with her and she had to breastfeed him and when he was off the thing you know when he would drink some and then he'd be sort of like looking around she was like covering her boob and it was just her and i in And there was a part of me that wanted to be like, you don't have to like cover your breasts in front of me, but that was a natural reaction.
I'm not arguing his thing. I don't give a shit if women breastfeed in public.
Yeah. I don't give a shit.
I'm just saying that there are women who are, and I'm sure the reason why she was looking around like, you know, a dog taking a shit is because she's thinking, oh God, who's going to judge gonna judge me when she should in an ideal perfect world just be there with her baby what if she gets off on it feeding and then just why is she a saint in this see how you just said that oh my god oh my god she's gonna judge me she lives no because she was saying he was he was saying that she was looking around she lives in columbia she lives in columbia who knows what the culture is down there what the opinion is i don't know shit about columbia do you no yeah would you watch narcos and all of a sudden you know what these fucking people are thinking no i would never try to speak for columbians i have no fucking idea what they think they might it just might not be that might be totally fucking normal and she was just people watching or she might have been a freak and she was trying to see if anybody you know she's a little exhibitionist Who knows What the fuck She was thinking She was probably like Oh Jesus Christ For people looking at me Like I'm crazy Because I'm breastfeeding Without a cover She's probably really like Having some sort of Anxiety about it I bet It's probably Socially acceptable That's what I would guess So she's just Fucking looking around Okay Yeah Right She's just looking around like normal yeah we got to end this fucking thing this is like two podcasts all right sorry guys i know this was really long but uh we hadn't seen each other for a while we like to talk all right that's right go fuck yourselves i'll see you on thursday what's up everybody and welcome back to the Anything better podcast show NFL edition going into week number.

Oh my God.

Is this week number, we're going into week number eight? Is that right, Andrew? Is that right? We're going into week number eight? Yes, we're going into week number eight. That's what it is.
Holy shit. Guys, as you can see, I am not sitting here with my partner, Bill Burr on the show because Bill is in Paris, France, but don't worry because, uh, Bill's picks will be on the show.
You'll even see and hear from Bill from Paris, France on the show. It's just, he can't be with us today.
Um, but we have a great show. Uh, of course we got the injury report.
We got Jake the snake here. We got the Greek freak, aka the Beverly Hills kid, Andrew Themlis is here.
But first, before we get into this week's show, we have to shout out our sponsor. It's the BetMGM sponsor, everybody.
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There you go, guys. All right.
So here we are. Andrew Demlis is here and we're going to get into these picks.
We have to talk about this week though. Okay.
We have to talk about this week because everybody was telling me the Buccaneers were going to beat the Ravens. And I said, not so fast.
I didn't take the Ravens, but I was like, let's not get crazy. And I think the Ravens have now become one of the teams, one of the two teams that I think can take out the Chiefs and the AFC.
I don't know. I also want to apologize.
Not apologize. Listen, it's my fucking show.
I don't apologize to anybody, but I also want to tell people I was wrong about the Eagles. I still don't know if the Eagles are at the level.
The Eagles are not at the level of the Lions and those teams, but I said that the Eagles weren't that good. And you know what? They went into my New York Giants, uh, MetLife stadium and they absolutely put a beat down on them.
Okay Okay. Saquon Barkley had the game that Giants fans had nightmares about.
He actually had that game. Very hard to watch.
Very hard to accept. I don't hate the guy.
I understand what happened. But, dude, it was really tough to watch the kid run for 176, a touchdown.
He could have even went for more.

They benched him late in the game because it was just done horrible. Their defense looked good.
Our offensive line looked terrible. So I was wrong about that.
Also the jets, I thought the jets were going to, you know, I thought it was time. Devontae Adams, Aaron Rodgers, still not playing great.
so I was wrong about those two. And the other one that I do have to say is the Steelers.
I said it was, I said it was the only thing they had was the coach. You know what? They had the defense and you know, so look, I'm glad I didn't, I'm glad I only touched one of those.
Actually, no, I touched both of those games and those are my two losses. And in fact, it would have been my fourth week in a row.
I know it would have, could have, should have. Would have been my fourth week in a row, three and one.
And instead, the Jets go into Pittsburgh. They lose.
And I end up going two and two, which is not a losing record by any stretch. I believe now I am 13 and 15, two games back.
I do not know what Bill did. We will get into that.
But there's a lot of cool stuff going on this week in the NFL. There's a lot of good games.
Jake the Snake, I got to bring you in here for some injury reports, some things that I didn't know. We got some things going on, right? What's cooking? Yeah, there's a bunch of stuff going on.
We'll start off with the – it's mainly a receiver, but I'll start off with a quarterback. Jane Daniels got hurt against the Panthers last week, and we're not sure if he's going to play against the Bears this week.
He didn't practice yesterday, but the coach thinks he's going to be back out there, so that's something to monitor. The line for that is move to the bears opened as underdogs and they're now favored.
So Vegas is prepared for him not to play, but you know, who's Washington's backup. Mariota.
He played the second half. Yeah, that's right.
He played, that's right. He didn't play too bad.
No, he looked good. He looked good.
looked good I was nervous because I was on the commander so but he ended up playing lights out so it worked out um but yeah so the main injuries are at receiver um not only to Tampa get blown out by the Ravens they lost Godwin for the season and Mike Evans is going to be out for an extended period of time as well so just adding insult to injury there that. I know Bill mentioned that the line flipped because Ben, it's because of those two injuries.
And I think those two injuries, if I'm right here, I think that I heard this, that those injuries came late in the game. Both of those injuries came late in the game, dude.
And those are two of their biggest stars. Yeah, the Godwin one, especially.
They were down by a lot so um yeah that that was tough to see he got carded off and yeah it's hard to see someone season in like that but there is some positive injury news uh cooper cup and puka nuku are expected to play tonight against the vikings they've been out since uh week one and two of the season so it's good it's going to be exciting to have both both them back and see if that Rams offense can kind of salvage what's left of their season. The Cooper cup is in trade rumors.
So we'll see how that goes. And then lastly, the chiefs traded for Deandre Hopkins yesterday.
Saw that. Yeah.
Leave it to the chiefs, those sneaky chiefs to get in at the last minute and get a, get a really good player. I mean, the chiefs just, the chiefs have ways to find these veterans.
They're going to, you know, he's going to have a nice little playoff moment. And, uh, I'll be honest with you.
I hate to say this on the show, hate to say this on the show, but I visualize them winning their third Super Bowl and them like up to DeAndre Hopkins going, we're so glad he got his. D-Hop finally got his.
We're so glad. I can see that stupid post-game celebration, and I hope I'm wrong, but I don't know, man.
The Chiefs have ways to do it, and I think that that's a big pickup for them. The Rams tonight is interesting because I'd like to see them fully healthy.
I also heard rumors, don't know if this is true, that Daniel Jones of the New York Giants is in a trade package to get Matthew Stafford. That's kind of been going on.
You don't know if that's going to happen. I think that what I heard was that they didn't know if they needed or wanted Daniel Jones in the package.
And the Giants kind of, if they did do it, would do that. I don't know if that's true or not.
But I don't know. Yeah, I don't think so.
I think that the Stafford stuff, I think that's all bullshit. You think he's staying in Los Angeles? Yeah.
There's no, there's like literally no. Yeah.
I, I, I don't even really know what the ridiculous argument for the Rams trading Stafford is like, I can't even think of like a stupid, I can't even think of a stupid argument. They would have to be getting the first round picks back.
Yeah. I think the Rams know the season is, I think the Rams know that they're not really going to win a Super Bowl this year.
And I think that they, you know, I think that the fact that Cooper Cup is on the market, I think we're looking at a rebuild. I think that they also know Stafford is older.
So I think that they're kind of like a garage sale maybe right now. I don't know.
Yeah, I mean, I did. And obviously, John, does anybody really think that this season is because of Stafford? I mean, obviously, with all the injuries they had, you know, and get to the picks this week is, you know, Cooper Cupp's coming back, and there's a lot of promise there.
But, yeah, no, I mean, for them to get rid of Stafford would be ridiculous. And like you said, it's a rebuilding year.
But, I mean, first off, look at the quarterback market. Look at what young quarterbacks are doing.
You can't be looking around the league going i mean put it this way if you had a choice between jamis winston and joe flacco who would you put in i mean you might just go with flacco yeah you know what i'm saying it's like i don't know i mean winston i'm not talking about a full contract but let's be honest nobody nobody's nobody's you know happy with uh the scene i don't think that they would get rid of stafford chicken he's a problem i i don't think they would get rid of stafford chicken he's a problem i think if they did unload stafford or cup it's just because they're looking at the future and they want to dump age and money that's what i think but then you're gambling because who knows who knows what you get i think cup is more likely going to be the casualty there especially you see all these um quote-unquote aging receivers around you know the same age as cup have been traded around similar money and i think teams are going to get a little desperate like maybe the chargers you see that they don't really have any receivers on monday or the steelers maybe they think oh we can add cup and pair him with pickens and really be special offensively so i think teams are going to start getting aggressive before the deadline for or the Steelers, maybe they think, oh, we can add Cup and pair him with Pickens and really be special offensively. So I think teams are going to start getting aggressive before the deadline for Cup.
Or the Giants. Maybe the Giants get rid of Wanda Robinson for all these drops when we get Cooper Cup in there on the other side of Neighbors.
Who knows? Cup and Neighbors would be nice. Oh, dude, Cup and Neighbors would be – how old is Cup? He's not that old, right? Like early 30s.
I mean, you know, but then I thought, you know, all these NFL owners think, you know, they say they think Amari Cooper is old. They think Hopkins is old.
31. Yeah.
Yeah. See, once an NFL, once an offensive weapon in the NFL hits 30, that's kind of when, like, even if they got a couple years left, that's kind of when it's trade time because they're going, let's go and get somebody in their mid twenties.
I, I get it. Um, you know, I, I think the commanders bears is one of the most interesting games this week.
I do. I think because if Daniel's you do, you rush him back.
You don't want to rush him back. They are playing in Washington.
That's a game. Part of me wants to go.
Let's take the commanders getting points but the other part of me it's like you know what dude just stay away it's uh it's two and a half it stayed two and a half right well yeah so it was funny because I was gonna not to spoil all the picks here but I was gonna take the Bears even when the when it opened as underdogs and um I still like it now as I'm a favorites whether I hope Daniels plays because we can see that Daniels Caleb matchup because they went one and two in the draft so that'd be the one of the funner games of the week but I just think the Bears defense is what makes a difference here they have a really strong defense in Washington does not and I think that ultimately is gonna win the game all right yeah I mean look There's a lot of cool, interesting picks here. And I see the ultimately is going to win the game.
All right. Yeah.
I mean, look,

there's a lot of cool, interesting picks here. And I see the weird thing is this is one of the

weeks where you got three or four giant lines. You got 11, you got 10, you got nine, whatever it is.

And then you also have a bunch of threes and twos. Um, it's a, it's a fun week.
I'm ready

to get into these picks here. Um, last week real quick.
Yes quick yes let's look at last week so last week I don't know what Bill did last week what did Bill do last week 1-3 I went 2-2 which brings me to 13-15 I am 13 you're right there Paul you Paul. What's that? You're right there, Paul.
Right there, hanging. You know, we're hanging around, right middle of the season almost, hanging around.
But look, a lot of work to do. A lot of work to do.
So it can go any way. We got to stay in this thing.
And all right. So look, and listen, if Aaron Rodgers and Devontae Adams together could have fucking done anything, I'm above the book.

That's how quick this is.

But listen, woulda, coulda, shoulda, maybe, none of that shit matters.

You know, I think that teams are starting to become who they are.

I think the Baltimore Ravens, I think the Baltimore Ravens are who they are. I really believe that.
Unfortunately, I hate to say this because now I said this about the Eagles. People get mad at that.
I'm going to say this about the Niners. The Niners with Debo.
And by the way, man, the Niners are great people. I met them, the owners.
They're such a great organization, dude. Good guys.
I got people. I have friends that are mutual friends that are close with George Kittle.
Said he's like the coolest dude. He's hurt.
Deebo's hurt. And listen, to do what they've done, to get back again, it's so exhausting.
And to deal with everything they're dealing with, I just think's tough I just really think the Lions right now I think the Lions in the NFC Packers in the NFC are really the the teams and then I do think Texans Ravens are the only two I think the Texans and the Ravens right now I don't want to shit on Pittsburgh I know Pittsburgh and Buffalo are hanging back there, but as far as getting after the Chiefs, let's be honest, dude. Can we be honest? As much as we want to beat around the bush, the Chiefs are the best team in the league.
They just, even though the games are close and everybody goes, oh, he gets calls. They just, they find ways to win the game.
And that's what championship teams do. And now they added deandre hopkins so it's the it's who can pick off the chiefs can lamar pick off the chiefs can the ravens do it i don't know but i'll tell you what that would be an epic epic afc championship um i'm ready to get in zay zay flowers just noting that zay flowers uh i think he's got like a high ankle sprain, low ankle sprain, but he didn't practice

today's Thursday. He didn't practice yesterday.
So that going into this week, especially looking at them against the Browns, just telling Jake, this is basically the Browns Super Bowl. This is if you're the Browns, you have nothing else this season to really be looking at.
So Jameis Winston coming in the game. Ravens on a short week.
That's a division rivalry. So we can roll Bill's first pick right now.
Cut to that. Yeah, we're going to give Bill first pick from Paris, France, and then I'll get into mine.
Bonjour, oui. Bonjour, Paul.
Salut, Andrew. Au revoir, Jacques Le Serpent.

What's up, everybody? I am in, I am a Paris. And here's my picks for the week.
So I can't

be on the podcast because, you know, because I'm in fucking Paris. All right.
So here we

go. I'm going to take the Jets.
Fucking in seven going into new england uh we are a mess and our coach said we're a soft team and i know that that should inspire them everybody's gonna be booing aaron rogers but uh i just i don't know a fucking spread. I mean, they've been winning for me every week.
It's the only way I can handle what the Patriots are doing this year. Oh, here's a little travel tip for you.
You see that green thing up there? All you Americans, that's not a weed store. That's a pharmacy.
And we're back. Good pick, Bill.
And Bill picks the Jets. I like that pick.
I like that pick. Well, look, here's why I like the pick.
Because it really really is now or never for the Jets The Jets are not going to be able to go 2-6 You're not You got to make it 3-5 And get on course right now Because if you go 2-6 It might be a wrap So I like that pick Okay With my first pick Of the 2024 week 8 Paul Verzi selects No I think What what I'm gonna do with this pick I man the number is high and I just talked about him I hate to do you know what no I'm gonna change I'm gonna change guys I'm gonna take the Atlanta Falcons minus two and a half versus an unfortunately banged up Buccaneers team. No Chris Godwin, no Mike Evans.
Baker did not look good. I think the Falcons will see some things that they can do without those threats in the air.
And it's only two and a half, which means if the Falcons win by three, I'm going to take that pick. I think I would never take the pick if the injuries didn't happen.
And I don't really, I like to say this too about this pick. I don't really like to bet on teams or pick teams based on other teams injuries.
It's not something I usually do, but this is so significant. This is so significant with those two that I have to do it.
So I I'm going to the Atlanta Falcons over the Buccaneers, giving two and a half points. All right.
I'm also going to take, I'm going to take the Panthers getting nine points against the Broncos going into Denver. Both those teams are the petite voiture.
Ha ha. They're très mignon.
I've been doing this all week, just annoying French people. Bill taking the hapless, as he says.
Carolina Panthers getting nine points versus the Broncos. That's a high line.
Update is 10.

When Bill picked it, it was nine and a half.

No, but Bill gets that, right?

Well, we're going to give him the 10 since it goes in his favor,

and we always do it whatever the odds are Thursday when we record.

So we'll give him the 10.

We'll give him the 10.

It went in the direction.

If it went the other way, maybe he would have, you know. He'll need all the points for that team, so definitely.

Yeah, listen, we'll give him what he could get with that team. Okay, with my second pick, man, this is – I'm up in the air with this, man.
I want to take the Browns and Winston because I have a feeling Winston is going to play good. I don't know why.
He's actually a's actually a decent NFL quarterback as crazy as it is to say. Um, and it is nine points, but the way the Ravens are flying right now, I can see that game literally being 31 to 10.
So I'm just going to lay off that one. All right.
Um, of course my eyes go down and see the giants. Uh, I I'm not going to do that to myself again.
Okay. I'm not going to do that to myself again.

Okay.

I'm not going to do that to myself again. I'm going to take the Washington Commanders, dude.
I'm going to take the Washington Commanders, getting two and a half at home. I don't know if Daniels is going to play.
Mariota looked good. and the line is, it's that line where if you had to win by three, I don't know if I'd take the game.
The fact that they're getting two and a half, I don't know. I've rode with them all year.
It's been good for me. I'm going to go with the Washington Commanders.
Now, is Daniels definitely out? It's unclear because the coach was like, oh, you know, he might still play, but he just hasn't practiced so far. So it's just unclear if he's going to play.
I'd say it's 50-50. I'm going to take the chance.
I'm going to take the risk. It's a rib injury.
What's that? It's a rib injury for context, right, Jake? Yes. Quarterbacks have played here before, so, you know, it's not impossible.
Oh, no, I know. But but i just as far as like just paul if you're you know handicapping him on his feet or him yeah listen it's the ball in the spot you know these are it's gonna be one of those different games it's gonna be one of those games where he's gonna have to deal with pain or not it's a rib injury is something that they it only heals with, but I've seen guys play with it and be in pain.

I,

I look,

I know that this is a game where it really is a coin toss.

I'm just going to go with the home team and I'm going to see,

and I don't think Marcus Mariota is a scrub.

So I'm going to take the commanders to,

to get in the points.

Well, with the bears at home,

well, bill will go to his third pick now. Let's get into Bill's third pick.
I'm going to take the fucking Seattle Seahawks getting nine. That's almost double digits.
Why not? Poor Quapa. All right.
There you go. Bill takes the Seattle Seahawks.
Bill is, you know what? Bill always picks. It's funny.
We've been doing this show for a few years and there are certain teams that we just kind of migrate to. And, and Seattle is always one of Bill's green Bay is kind of always one of mine.
Um, oh my God, that fucking Titans lions line is ridiculously high. I mean, you're starting the game as an NFL team with 11.5 points, and I'm still scared of it.
That's how bad the Titans are, and that's how good the Lions are, that I don't even want to fucking touch that. How nuts is that? Any other game, you'd be like, oh, my God.
All right. This is where it gets tricky, okay? And here's my God.
Um, all right. This is where it gets, this is where it gets tricky.
Okay. And here's my philosophy.
Tonight's game is an interesting game and here's why. Okay.
Vikings just lost their first game in, in not good fashion either. They were winning 10, nothing.
And then all of a sudden the lions figured something out and they beat them up pretty good. And Sam Darnold was throwing picks and doing things.
The Rams have Cup back tonight. They got the other kid.
What's the other kid? Puka Nakua. They got Nakua.
They got Cup. The Vikings are either going to have a big bounce back game or they're going to have the two losses in a row and ESPN and everyone's going,

did people figure out the Vikings?

It's a tough one.

Yeah.

It's a tough one.

Now, another game.

Tua Tungavailoa.

Is he playing this week?

He is. I think that's why the Miami Falcons are favored as well.
And that line keeps going up. I'm going to take the Miami Dolphins.
I'm going to take the, I'm going to take, you know what? What's it called? The Marvel characters all come back. I mean, I don't know what I'm talking about.
I tried to do the Disney thing. Now I'm trying to do the superhero thing.
I'm just saying the captain of their team, the leader of their team is back. I think that they're going to be psyched that he's back and feel like they can get on track.
I don't like the half a point at all. But I'm going to just say at home, the Dolphins find a way to win the game, maybe even win the game big.
Is Waddle and Tyreek Hill are both in? Waddle's questionable, but I would expect him to play. Tyreek will be in.
I'm going to take the Dolphins with their quarterback back, rallying around him, minus three and a half in South Florida. There's my third pick.
All right, solid. What do you got, Bill? What do you got from Paris, Bill? Then I'm going to take the 49ers, laying four against the Cowboys.
They're at home. I think they lost to Kansas City.
I traveled last week on Sunday. And then the last one is, ah, shit, who the hell was it? It was the Patriots, Seattle Seahawks, the 49ers.
God damn it. Who else was I taking? Do you know, Monsieur? All all right those are my four paul i tried to stay out of your lane i didn't i didn't take any of the teams that you've been going with um okay here's my thing the uh the trap game for the week i feel is uh whatever's going on with that i don't like that falcons tampa game i don't like that at all.
Tampa has just been kicking everybody's fucking ass. And all of a sudden they're underdogs against the Falcons.
Jake, the snake is somebody hurt. Oh, Bill is going with the banged up.
What's the line on that game for or prime time, Billy. This is the Cow cowboy season right here right now uh the cowboy you know things are bad when the cowboy fans are outside in the parking lot yelling and throwing things at the best player on defense uh did you see that there was a dude in the parking lot and Parsons was coming out.

And the guy's just throwing stuff, going, you suck.

And Parsons yelling, we're angry too.

It's a mess in Dallas, dude.

That's a game. When your owner's calling into radio stations, not just once, but twice.

Right.

Yeah.

That's true.

When the owner is yelling at a radio station, dude, it's yeah don't tell me to do my job crazy i've never on this show okay here this could be history here never in the three and a half seasons of doing this show on bed in mgm have i picked against my new york giants i don't think I have, I don't think I could bring myself to do it. Yeah.
I don't think you did either. No, if anything, I picked them when they were going to lose.
And I'm going to tell you what, fellas, I'm not going to do it now either. Now part of me is going, I kind of like the Giants getting six and a half.

I know that sounds nuts, but I'm not going to touch it.

And this is where I have a problem because I'm having a hard time with this fourth and final pick.

I am.

Take the Giants money line.

Just make a point ball.

Just make a point to everybody.

What did the Jags lose last week?

No, they played New England and London. They won.
I'm trying to remember what the score was. That's Bill's strategy.
It's fade the Patriots every week and it's worked out so far. 32-16.
Jeez. 32-16, Jags won? I went 4-0 last week, Paul, just picking obvious teams that are going to lose I was like, I just picked against after going 1-3 the week before I was like, you know what, the Saints are going to lose the Patriots are going to lose the Falcons are going to lose, maybe not that obvious and the Panthers excuse me, the Eagles against the Giants it all seems obvious in hindsight for sure it all seems obvious, well that's that's what I needed.
I needed it not. I needed it for obvious after trying to get cute the week before, picking the fucking Broncos.
Should I go head-to-head with him with that? I kind of see what you're saying, Paul, because the Cowboys' season is definitely on the line, and the Niners are really banged up. But it's also really hard to pick the Cowboys because of their quarterback um so that's that's my i think i beat i beat bill on the first head-to-head we did this year i think that was week one i don't know it was early i think i'm gonna go head-to-head with him here and i think i'm gonna take the buffalo bills are the buffalo bills coming off a week? No, they played Tennessee.
Well, I guess sort of a bye week then. They played Tennessee.
They started that game down too. I know, that was funny.
What came down? They started the game behind and everybody was looking at the score going, oh my God, is this really happening? But they ended up crushing them. Yeah, I mean, I'm sorry to take, sorry that I'm taking so long.
This is really tough, man, because the four and a half with the Jags, I don't like, these lines are like right perfect, of course. And then it just comes down to, the buffalo bills a better team than um are the buffalo bills a better team than the seahawks and they also have amari cooper right now right yeah i'm gonna take the buffalo bills minus three i think they have a better team i think they probably don't like the start they got off to against tennessee last week so they're probably going to try to get after the Seahawks fast.
And here's the deal. Do you like Josh Allen more than you like Geno Smith? Although Geno Smith is good, the answer to that question is yes.
So I am going to go head to head with my partner here on the show. And I am going to take the Buffalo Bills for my fourth and final pick minus three to beat the Seattle Seahawks in the fake noise stadium.
I forgot about that. What'd you say? I forgot about that whole scandal.
That's funny. Yeah, I don't know.
But so those so those are my people. Let me just get this straight.
What I got. I got the Dolphins.
I have the Buffalo Bills. I have the Atlanta Falcons.
And I have – Commanders. And I have the Commanders over the Bears getting points.
All right. You know what? I'm shaky on one, maybe two.
The other two I think I like. So we'll see what happens.
You never know, man. I'm two games back.
I'm two games back. You never, never know what happens.
Um, and, and, and tonight's game is going to be a good one. I wish we could have done, I wish we could have done something as a show with tonight's game, but, uh, let's get into the Monday night special.
If anybody's looking at props on the, that ton tonight's game, uh, I would go, uh, go uh cooper cup over over i would just take him at at every level um he's he's gonna i think it was i said the line was i think it was 10 on uh receptions i mean oh for receptions well that's a lot of receptions but but i see no i don't think he's gonna get 10 receptions i would look at yardage like you're saying though i think well i like yardage obviously but i'm saying you can look at receptions too because he's going to be going to what else is but i i think also i don't know if a coach wants to work a kid like that right when he gets back i don't know though you never know but like i know like malik neighbors when malik neighbors came back he was target you know he ended up up with four catches for whatever, 41 yards or whatever, after getting 13, 14 targets at the beginning of the season. But you never know.
But here's the thing. Cup opens it up for the other guy, too, and vice versa.
So if there was a way you could do that. It was six and a half, not ten.
Oh, okay. That's a better term.
Six and a half, yeah. a half yeah because the other kid's gonna eat too but let's get into the monday night special this week's monday night special we have the my my don't ever forget this listen to me i know we're doing bad i got my eli bobblehead my two ring eli bobblehead and listen to that my new york football giants, they were in some games.
Their record should be better, but I know coulda, woulda, shoulda. And they looked God awful.
Without Andrew Thomas at left tackle, the New York giants could not block anybody. It's amazing how that left side completely collapsed on Jones with one guy out.
But that tells you if one guy is going to do that, it means you don't have the personnel. It's just because you got to be able to put another guy in there to pick up the slack.
Just didn't do it. But I like the Giants with the points.
Do I think the Giants are going to win the game in Pittsburgh? Gun to my head, no. Do I think the Giants could lose the game by 5-3? Yes.
But let's have fun with it. Let's have fun with it.
Let's do a parlay without picking the game. Can we do that? Yeah.
Yeah, absolutely. What do you think of Russell Wilson? Totals are 36 and a half.
It's 36 and a half. I mean, you have no idea what you're doing there.
I mean, if the Steelers put up points, if Russell Wilson can move the ball then, you know. Will BetMGM allow us? We can do whatever we want.
Because this year everybody's building these parlays a la carte, however they want. Alright, so we'll put together an a la carte thing.
I say the New York Giants, I mean, we're the number one defensive line sacks-wise in the league. I think we have 29 or 30-something sacks in the league.
Our defensive line can stop Russell Wilson because I don't think he runs the way he used to run. I think that's a fair statement.
Oh, yeah. yeah.
Because I think if Russell Wilson, they even said last week, if he was able to run the way he could run, he had some opportunities. Man, you want to do, can we do giant sacks? Can we do like, can we do like the, or is sacks an available thing? Cause I think, I think they'll do three or more.
I think they'll do three or more. But if we can three but if we can't do that we don't have to do that i think what you're describing is definitely probably an under if it's 36 and a half because you know the steelers defense is gonna get to daniel jones throughout the game and if you think the giants defense is gonna slow down the steelers you know maybe they it's like um it's like a you know 24 um the 10 kind of, I don't know, or something like that.

Or maybe the Giants cover and it's a little bit less like a 17-13 type of game. If you think the Giants beat that's not quite well.
The odds are good too. I could see the game 26-20.
It's one of those games, I think. I think it's going to be one of those games.
And listen, other than Philadelphia and the Vikings week one,

the Giants weren in striking distance of every game they played should if they had a kicker they had a kicker they have a two two more wins and I really believe I'm not just saying that if the Giants have a kicker they have two more wins than they have right now I believe that well the commanders the commanders game for sure that's that is factual the commanders game one it never happened in history where a team had three touchdowns and another team had none and the team that had none won. So definitely the Commanders, but I also think, too, the Cowboy game, they were right there.
I don't know. This is tough.
Do you want to do – oh, by the way, by the way. What's up? Oh, my God.
How did we not talk about that? know you're gonna i know we're gonna go we hit the monday night special two weeks in a row did you know that we hit the we hit three by the way this is going into week eight out of seven weeks we hit the monday night special three times and the last two in a row so if you guys were rocking with us where it's ironic that it's not up on the site, but that's what you got to do. You got to rock with us right now.
I think we do this. Let's get a little crazy with this.
Okay. Let's get a little crazy with this.
Since we did win the Monday night special the last two weeks in a row, let's take the giants with the points, not saying the giants are going to win, but let's take the Giants getting six and a row. Let's take the Giants with the points.
Not saying the Giants are going to win,

but let's take the Giants getting six and a half. Actually, Andrew, how about this? Can we tease

that to seven and a half? I'll say, why don't you tease that in the total? Yeah. I would just tease

that full six and then, yeah, I would go plus 12, Giants plus 12. It'll be plus 12 and a half.
Same difference, I guess. Say it again? It'll be Giants plus 12 and a half.
I think it's plus 12. The spread's six right now.
Because it's six, yeah. Oh, I have six and a half.
Oh, no. Yeah, sorry.
The update line is six.

It moved to six this morning.

Oh, so that means a lot of people are taking the Giants.

Okay.

Well, that doesn't mean a lot of people are taking the Giants.

Right now, 97% of the Moneyline bet is on, obviously, the Moneyline bet's on Seattle. Oh, the Steelers.

Yeah, yeah.

Yeah.

The Moneyline, that makes sense.

87% on the over.

Really? I don't like that. That's a don't like that.
What's the under over? 36 and a half. That's why Jake was saying if we just tease that up, six.
No, let's tease it down. You want to lower it and then go over? Yeah, 30 points in a fuck hell yeah.
I guess you're right. Yeah, in an NFL game, that would be really low.
Yeah, I see what you're saying. Take it down from 36 to 30.
Right. Thursday night games can be a little trickier with that because teams are on less rest.
Actually, yeah, Thursday night games or Monday night games because – oh, no, yeah, that's right. I keep thinking we're doing the Thursday night games.
Sorry. I'll also tell you this.
There's going to be a defensive, I think, there's going to be a defensive score or a big defense. This is a game where a defense is going to make a play, either get somebody pinned in the red zone.
I think I like it teasing down. So let's do this.
Let's take the Giants getting 12 in a two-team tease. over 30 okay and then should we throw one more in there should we throw should we say uh do you want either of them to throw it like well who do you think's more likely to turn it over um in your opinion the Steelers or the Giants maybe it's tough because both defensive lines cause so much shit you know it's it's it It could happen.
It could happen to, you know, like Dexter Lawrence could Dexter Lawrence or Brian Burns could, you know, knock it out of Russell's hands. Uh, the giants weak left side could make, uh, you know, make the Pittsburgh do it.
So I think that we don't have to go turnover. Maybe we just go, who do we think is going to score? Who do we think is definitely going to score in this game? Maybe George Pickens or Najee on offense.
On defense, I don't know. It's always hard to predict if any of them are going to score on defense.
Who's scored? I guess neighbors on the Giants. You know who I like? You guys have that running back now.
Uh, Tracy. Um, I like Tracy.
Tracy, Tracy, another one. Yeah.
Uh, Tyrone Tracy, the third. I love that kid.
Um, yeah. I mean, we can do, I think neighbors neighbors is going to be the target, but so is pickings.
So we could just pick one of those. What do you think? i like pickens i like pickens a lot russell wilson was throwing it at him and like in that last game um but um that's that's who i would take um okay look you know what i i took the giants getting 12 i'll do that so let's do let's do that let's do the giants getting 12 uh in 12 in a tease with the over 30 in the same tease.
How about we make it easier, Paul? Maybe we do Russell Wilson or Jones to throw a touchdown. Would you rather do that? Take the odds hit? I'd take a running back touchdown over a passing touchdown in this game.
But, I mean, Russell Wilson, I think you're better off with him than Daniel Jones, especially in the red zone. Okay, if you want to do Russell to throw one.
Yeah, well, what are the odds on that, Andrew? Maybe it's, like, worse than Pickens. Yeah, it's over.
Well, once you get into parlay territory, adding any bet will bring it up, but obviously not as much. So, uh, passing touchdowns, Russell Wilson over one and a half is plus one 50.
Uh, you're right. That's just what they're giving out.
And then Daniel Jones, uh, if you book with somebody else, you might be able to find it lower or find the option to get it. I got it.
I got it. I got it.
Let's make some money for people. I got it.
Okay. Let's make some money for people.

We already did it two weeks in a row.

Let's get crazy and fun with this one.

You know,

Bill's in Europe.

What's that?

I do over a half,

over at least one or over a half of an interception for both QBs.

You were talking about QBs before.

I would consider that. So wait a minute.
So what does that mean? So that means that either quarterback throws one? We need both to throw one interception, which I don't see. Daniel Jones doesn't throw.
Daniel Jones doesn't. I mean, I know he did the last time.
He scrambles first. I know.
He doesn't really throw interceptions unless it's like a bad read. He did last season.
Yeah, I mean, look,'s weird it's like daniel jones is one of those where you'll know in the first quarter if he's like on and you'll be like oh he's good or he could fucking be a mess um what about if we did a what if we did this what if we pick a quarterback and a receiver because if they throw to like what if we did daniel jones to throw one to malik neighbors so malikors catches one, Daniel Jones throws one. Because that's who he's going to throw it to.
Do you know what I mean? Or like Russell to Pickens. That's who he's going to throw it to.
So then basically what we're doing is we got the tease, and if we hit the tease, we just need the quarterback to throw to their guy for a touchdown on Monday night football. It's Monday night football, right? Monday night football, yeah.
Right, it's Monday night football, man. These guys, does Malik Neighbors catch a touchdown on his Monday night football debut? I say a 1,000% he does.
All right, let's roll with it. Let's roll with it.
Let's just do Malik then because then you don't have to worry. Well, I guess obviously it would be the same.
So, yeah, I'm with it. Let's roll.
Listen, we did it three. We did it.
Yeah, you guys are hot this year, man. I love it.
be the same. So, um, yeah, I'm, I'm with it.
Let's, let's, let's roll. Listen, we did a three.
We did it. Uh,

you guys are hot this year, man. I love it.

We hit three of them, man. We last year, I think we didn't,

we didn't hit one or we'd hit one. So, um, so let's do that.

Let's do giants getting 12 over 30 Jones to throw one neighbors to catch one.

All right. That's gotta make somebody make get $600, $700, right?

Oh, yeah.

And what are those odds, Andrew?

Well, because I'm not in the proper state,

it won't actually give me the odds.

But repeat it again.

I'll do the math.

You got Daniel Jones to throw one.

Malik Neighbors to catch one.

Over 30, so it's minus.

And then the Giants to the 12 um in the teaser cover the 12 that'll bring it down it was over 30 still doing the over 30 daniel jones malik neighbors i think that over 30 is a really smart play by the way that was a really good way to look at that number um yeah you're you're gotta be at like four at least at least four to one with especially with that yeah all right so that's a fun that's a fun monday night special you have um you have bill's picks which is the jets 49ers seahawks and who panthers panthers and you have my picks the Dolphins, Commanders, Bills, and Falcons. So there you go.
Those are the picks for week eight. Bill will be back next week.
And there you go. I mean, I don't know anything else we have.
Well, actually. You got any Yankees thoughts? Oh, yeah.
yeah let's do that for a second we'll talk about the world series for five minutes um look me and jake the snake we're talking about it before we went you know recording recording i i think it's such an even lineup with with um otani right uh mookie betts freddie freeman Then you have Juan Soto, Aaron Judge, Giancarlo Stanton. We do have Glaber.
I will tell you this. I think the Yankees have a tiny edge with the bats.
I'm saying this. If all is perfect in the world and everybody is hitting, I think Giancarlo St it makes a difference because he's just a power hitter that could just get a three run shot anytime.
But so can Otani. I think Jake is right.
It comes down to the bullpen. I think this is a very evenly matched World Series.
I think this is probably the best World Series, best case scenario for the MLB. I think you got the West Coast, you got the East Coast, you got the Yankees, Dodgers, old rivalry.
Nobody would have cared about Giants. Believe it or not, nobody would have cared about Yankees, Mets, because when it was Yankees, Mets, it was a regional, you know, people think they cared.
Nobody really cared. It's like the lowest rated World Series in history.
Yeah, you got like the West Coast, California going against the East Coast, New York. You got Otani, Judge, two sluggers.
I think it's great. I think it just comes down to what you said, bullpen, starting pitching.
But I will say this, Gary Cole tomorrow night has to get game one for the Yankees as our ace because I think if we lose that start and lose that game, especially not having home field, it's bad for the Yankees. The Yankees need to bring home field back.
And the way to do that is obviously you got to get one. And I think getting the first one.
So it should be a great world series. It's stress that I don't need in my life.
I don't need it. The Knicks, my New York Knicks got absolutely torched in game one of the ring ceremony of the Celtics.

I'd never seen it.

By the way, I got to talk about this for a second.

They were like, oh, this is like a video game. No, no, no, no.
No, no, no. You're right.
Video games won't hit shots like that. I have never in my life seen a basketball team from their starters to their bench not miss three-point field goals for three quarters.
And the ironic part is the Celtics, they tie the, the, the NBA games with three pointers at 29. And then the whole fucking TD garden is chanting one more three to, and they went over 13 on their last 13 in the biggest three point game ever.
It was wild. So in a weird way, they left slightly disappointed, which was the only thing that I could take because it was such a beatdown.
The Knicks looked confused. They asked Josh Hart.
They said to Josh Hart, they go, hey man, what'd you think? He's like, yo, check them for drug use, man, because I never seen some shit like that. So between the Knicks now, wanting to watch the Knicks bounce back, okay, My daughter's volleyball games, which I have to go to today, which the level of stress at that you guys have no idea until you've been to six through eight grade girl volleyball games.
It's the most intense shit. I got to video it.
I got to video it and put it on the show because every point is a Superbowl win and every non point is not. And it is so intense.
And now I have the Yankees going against the Dodgers and I'm going to be performing at the stand in New York city tomorrow. And that game is going to be on in the green room.
So there's going to be, there's stress everywhere. I just want to sit down, relax, do my shows.
There's everywhere. Go Yankees, um, go giants, go Knicks.
And, uh, there you go. Uh, and i know for you jake you're going for the the dodgers and the and the chargers this week yeah andrew you got the celtics at least no matter what's going on in your world you got the celtics dude i'm enjoying listen i i i you know the patriots like yeah i mean i'm just i'm enjoying seeing what what's happening here i think it'll be a whole different team in two years, for better or worse.
Hopefully for better. Yeah, hopefully for better.
Yeah, I mean, it can't get much worse. But, no, I mean, yeah, no, I'm okay.
Listen, I'm enjoying the NFL. I'm enjoying all these games.
Every complaint about, you know, it being a wacky season, I just think it's more all these games are just way more fun. Not making a lot of money.
I went seven, eight, six for eight and an 18 parlay going on Monday night. I thought, you know, thought I had that, thought I had some money, but now nothing.
Looking at first touchdown tonight, Aaron Jones. So I'm looking at tonight, but we'll see.
We'll see. Yeah.
See what we got. And listen, guys, if you're watching and you're taking our picks the anything better show is is is strong right now we are alive and well we're coming back uh you know uh we're we're right there we're right there in middle of the season we're in mid-season form jake jake do you want to throw out what picks you like so far this week jake and i usually submit our picks right after the show, but Jake, you already got yours and we got a minute.
Yeah, I'm finally rounding the corner here. I was just getting killed in the first month of the season, but similar to Pauly there, I'm heating up in October.
I hate to fade Pauly in October too, but I'm doing it twice, unfortunately. I got the Cardinals.
I like the three and a half. I know two is back but i just don't believe in miami uh at the moment and then i got the bears um i think we discussed a little bit earlier but i just think their defense is really solid and i was surprised when we took this team um i love the packers this week i think the jackars are hapless as the show would say and i think Green Bay looks really good right now, and Jordan Love has played spectacular.
So I think they would cruise that one. And then I'm riding with Paul on the Buffalo Bills.
I just think they're going to start incorporating Marty Cooper a little more. And then Seattle looked kind of fraudulent in some of these games, but they had a nice bounce back win last week.
And it's tough to win in the fake crowd in Noyes Stadium, like Paul was saying, but I like Buffalo there. So those are my four.
I like those. And look, yeah, I mean, Miami's – Kenneth Walker's the only thing that gets in the way of the Bills a complete blowout.
Kenneth Walker's just been pounding right through the line. Yeah, I mean, look, I think Miami is a coin toss.
I think Tua can come out and light it up and be great. And all of a sudden Miami's back or you go, Oh shit.
Like, and you worry about the kid's health. You hope the kid doesn't take a hit, you know, you, you, you know, but he wouldn't be in an NFL game if his, if his head wasn't, if they didn't, you know, feel like, you know, I just hope that for the love of God, the kid doesn't get't get another concussion and if he does it's in like five years do you know what i mean like i i just don't want the kid to get another one because that that's another one for him would have to be people that love him to sit down and go hey dude let's let's get a couple dealerships in miami and let's let's thing.
Yeah. I can't believe he's not wearing the guardian cap either.

I was going to go with Tampa, but those injuries,

like we talked about took,

took me off of it.

And so I had to find a new fourth team.

I really liked Tampa before the injuries.

Cause I don't buy Atlanta,

but like now that,

I mean,

like you were,

like we talked about with those injuries,

I feel like my picks could go.

I don't like these weeks and I don't like to say this, but I feel like picks could go four and oh oh four but listen it's the nfl dude you never know you could go two and two one three whatever it is um what do you got andrew um i gotta look at a few more yours aren't done yet all right yeah you usually say you just send them to you guys before i last season i picked the thursday night game like every week just because I like picking Thursday night games. But, yeah.
Guys, that's why the kid is the brains behind the show. That's why Andrew Temlos is the brains behind the show.
He waits. He waits.
You know what he does? He sits in his quarters in Beverly Hills, and he listens to us dummies. He listens to us dummies, and he takes it all in, and then he evaluates, and then then he looks and he makes his decision later.
And that's why he, that's why he does well. I know what you do.
You're a, you're the Greek freak. That's what you do.
Listen, listen, I, I always say this, if I had put money on the teams that I pick in this, I'd probably be doing better, but I'm more of a, you know, six leg parlay guy. Um, but all right, everybody, there you go.
Those are the picks for myself, for Bill, for Andrew, for Jake. Guys, download the BetMGM app.
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So there you go, guys. Thank you guys so much for listening to the anything better podcast for our picks for week number eight on behalf of, uh, you know, Andrew Demlis, Jake, the snake, snake bill burr i'm paul bursey we will see you guys next week for week number nine as we always say on the show guys i know we talk betting and we talk gambling and all that stuff please one thing we really do on the show is what we want is you to be responsible bet responsibly have fun you know know, and enjoy it the way we enjoy it.

We'll see you next week.

Enjoy the week of football.