Thursday Afternoon Monday Morning Podcast 10-17-24

Speaker 1 Give it up for Chicago.

Speaker 2 Sebastian Maniscalco's new stand-up special, It Ain't Right, is coming to Hulu on November 21st.

Speaker 1 30 years ago, Jeff Bezos, complete nerd. Bezos now ripped to shreds on his super yacht, and the boxes keep coming.

Speaker 2 Sebastian Maniscalco, It Ain't Right, premieres November 21st, streaming on Hulu and Hulu on Disney Plus for bundle subscribers. Terms apply.

Speaker 1 All right. Hey, what's going on, everybody? It's Bill Bird.
It's time for the Thursday afternoon, just before Friday. What a camera are we looking at? Monday morning podcast.

Speaker 1 And I'm just checking in on you. And as always, if we film it, that means we have a special guest.
And yes, we do. We have a very special guest here.
I even brought notes. Wow.
Look at me.

Speaker 1 Like fucking Tom Brokar or who's that guy? Who's that guy in the world? Barbara Walters. Barbara Walters? Brian Gumble.
No one knows what he's writing. Nope.

Speaker 1 This guy, as far as I counted, has been nominated for 19 Grammys, won six, which is an incredible average. Four, but I'll take it.
Four? Yeah, I'll take six. I'll like six.

Speaker 1 You know, it's a way better.

Speaker 1 Look at all your awards. All of that one.
That looks like the Canadians in the 50s.

Speaker 1 He's got a new album up called Hi.

Speaker 1 I'm not going to say who his wife is. I don't know why that's on here.

Speaker 1 And he's married to so-and-so please welcome keith irvin everybody thank you bill how are you gosh you're looking in great shape oh thank you we were just talking about how both of us slouch and no matter what shape well no matter what shape i get into i look like i'm 40 pounds overweight and then everybody calls me billy bitch tits billy fucking this billy that it's never complimentary you know and i i can take are you good with your posture in general It's hard right now.

Speaker 1 I've gotten better. Right.
I've gotten better. So

Speaker 1 I had like,

Speaker 1 no, you know, it's got to do, because everything's like internal rotation, driving, being at the computer. You know, you walk.
That's true. Yeah.

Speaker 1 So what happens is your shoulders, and then everybody, you know, the ego stuff, your bench, your curl, all this shit you can see, you don't work on your back.

Speaker 1 So what happens is your back gets stronger than the front. This is what I learned through having rotator cuff issues.

Speaker 1 Your shoulders end up coming in like that. So what I've, what I, you know, what I've taken.
You ever see old Asian guys when they walk?

Speaker 1 They walk and they have their hands behind their back like that, like they're pondering something. Right.
And I'm thinking, like, no, they're like, this brings your shoulders. See, look at that.

Speaker 1 There's the pecs. Wow.
I fucking sit like this.

Speaker 1 I'm really bitch tits. Yeah.
You went from bitch tits to pecs. That's right.
I did a fucking. You just took posture.
If I would just sit like this.

Speaker 1 You could have saved all that money at the gym and just stood better. I know.

Speaker 1 If I did this on my podcast, people would accuse me of being on testosterone, which is my goal. Or being an old Asian man.
One of the times.

Speaker 1 We don't get that very much. Well, this is what fascinates me about what you do is like comedians like, oh, you're doing a tour.
Like, I go out and I come back like three, four days later.

Speaker 1 When you go out, you're like, oh. Nope.
No? No. Because it says until August, according to my sheet here, which was not supposed to be any lies, August 28th is how long this tour is going.

Speaker 1 Yeah, but I mean, I do a few shows and then go home, do a few shows, go home. So I'm probably gone three days in a row.
Oh, okay. Yeah.
What about back in the day?

Speaker 1 Yeah, I'd be gone for weeks and months. Australia, Highway to Hell, right? Well, yeah.
The whole middle of the country. Yeah, you're going forever.

Speaker 1 What's the longest tour? Have you ever been to Australia?

Speaker 1 Yeah, I was going to bring that up.

Speaker 1 I've been there a number of times.

Speaker 1 I am terrified of the ocean, but the beaches are so gorgeous. It's the only time in my life I felt drawn.
And I even went there in the wintertime. Yeah.
And I was just wintertime for you guys anyway.

Speaker 1 And I was like... I was like, I have to go in that water.
And it was all like, it was, it was so rough, it was like foamy.

Speaker 1 um but i was still thinking i need to do it so when i went out to perth i actually just to go in the indian ocean but i've been there i like four or five times i haven't been there since i had kids it's been real tough to try to get back there but the last time i went there was australia day oh wow and um you know usually where you when you travel as an american you go to a country and you're like oh man we're such meatheads why don't we do this this way that way australia day

Speaker 1 was the only time i ever went to a country being like all right we're not that bad we're not the only ones Because the level of drunk meathead and also the amount of El Caminos that you guys still have out there.

Speaker 1 It was like the 70s again. Everybody looked like a weed dealer.
Yep. And it was 14 hours to get to Sydney and then it was another brutal six to get all the way out to Perth.
Yeah.

Speaker 1 And it was still going on.

Speaker 1 I was gorgeous. Yeah.
It's because it's in the middle of nowhere. That's why.
Yeah, I kind of felt like that was like the galway of

Speaker 1 Australia. Yeah.
And

Speaker 1 when I I was still drinking, the little creature's beer was my favorite, and they had the brewery was there, and so was Bon Scott's grave.

Speaker 1 That's in Perth. I didn't know that.
Yep, they have a statue of him, and I took a picture of that, and I went to his grave, and it was kind of weird.

Speaker 1 People had all like left booze bottles there, and that's like what killed him, which I thought was...

Speaker 1 weird enough and then someone had put a Miller Genuine Draft, which is one of the worst fucking beers ever. But I'm thinking, all right, it's Australia.
It's an import.

Speaker 1 Maybe they think it's fancy, but this is this is swill.

Speaker 1 Like, Bond wouldn't drink this, man. They had all those hit albums.
I'm sure he was drinking something better than that. It is odd that they leave a labooze around there, isn't it? It's a twisted

Speaker 1 honor. It's, yeah, it's like, well, you know, you're sort of like, he's like, it was a cartoon character.
They didn't realize that was somebody's son.

Speaker 1 That was somebody's best friend or something like that. Like, you would never do that.
One of the greats. Yeah, he really was.

Speaker 1 If somebody, you know, was just like a a plumber, if he fucking, you know, death by misadventure, as they say, you wouldn't, whatever his misadventure was, you would not leave that at his grave. No.

Speaker 1 A bunch of ladders lying around. Yeah, people today, you wouldn't put oxy,

Speaker 1 a little thing, like a prescription pill and things. Yeah.
Bless his heart.

Speaker 1 So, yeah, no, Bon is. That's what I was surprised to hear about you being a country artist.
is

Speaker 1 that you actually were into metal and all of that type. I guess that makes sense, right? As a position, you listen to everything.
Yeah, especially coming up in the clubs in Australia.

Speaker 1 Okay. I mean, that's the only places to play.
So they're rough places. Well, what was that like playing...
How does country music do over in Australia?

Speaker 1 Well, I mean, I grew up playing country music because my dad's record collection was all American country music. So they were all the records I grew up listening to.

Speaker 1 All American country artists. Like Merle Haggard, all of them.
Merle Haggard, Johnny Cash, Waylon Jennings, Willie,

Speaker 1 Charlie Pride, all of them.

Speaker 1 And so I just learned those songs when I was picking up guitar.

Speaker 1 Because I was going to ask you that. That's amazing to me that someone that far away, I guess

Speaker 1 it shouldn't be because people play all the great, so many great rock bands came out of Australia.

Speaker 1 So I guess it's like whatever appeals to you. But I do find it funny that you play country music and you're an immigrant.
Yeah. You know, so does a fan get confused?

Speaker 1 Like, do your show, but then get the fuck out of my country.

Speaker 1 Now, wait a minute. He's singing about gravel roads.
This guy's all right, or whatever.

Speaker 1 It took a minute to get accepted, I'll tell you that.

Speaker 1 So,

Speaker 1 what did you have to do?

Speaker 1 Did you have to kiss the ring, so to speak? Did you have to go to the devil Mopry? You definitely need to let the tribe know that you're the real deal and that you're there for the long haul. Okay.

Speaker 1 You know. How did all those tattoos

Speaker 1 do during when they went to the... Well, I didn't have most of these when I was trying to get in the door.
Oh, okay. I didn't have any of them, actually.
Because it was like a big family values thing.

Speaker 1 I always felt bad for country singers where, like, rock stars were expected to just be totally debaucherous.

Speaker 1 And then there was this whole period, I feel like in the 90s and that type of stuff, where you had to be like squeaky clean. Yeah.
Like the Osmond family. Yeah.
You guys were, you know.

Speaker 1 It's so weird because the genre doesn't have, it's got a history of George Jones and Johnny Cash and Wyoming Jennings and complete screw-ups. Absolutely.
Absolutely. So how did you guys

Speaker 1 handle that? Did you just like sneak around doing whatever you were doing? Handle what? Being what it was? Well, like you want to fucking party and bang groupies and be a fucking, you're a rock star.

Speaker 1 You're just singing country music. But then you had to also be like, I go to bed at a fucking 8 o'clock and, you know, I drink milk in the morning.
And America, here's the flag.

Speaker 1 Like, how did you guys,

Speaker 1 you know, without... divulging too much, how did you have your fun? I burned.
I definitely benefited from the fact that I was pre-iPhones,

Speaker 1 pre-old app, pre-social media.

Speaker 1 Yeah.

Speaker 1 Bull my craziness was pretty much pre-social media. So I was really lucky.
I was like a total like loner, like stay away from me kind of guy. So

Speaker 1 where do you get that from?

Speaker 1 Oh, traumatic childhood. Yeah, just abuse.
That's all it was. So then you just sort of learned after a while that, hey, if I'm alone,

Speaker 1 you know, this shit kind of stops. So then you kind of feel safe being alone.

Speaker 1 And then... You just stay that way.

Speaker 1 Yeah, until about 38 and then you kind of go like everybody else is like married with like a 12 year old and I'm still fucking sitting here on a futon like what is what is going on well I wasn't 38 I was a little bit younger than that when I

Speaker 1 met my wife how the hell old was I I can't remember like 36 or something like that but it was like late in the game right and

Speaker 1 when I would go back to my hometown and you know if I would run into somebody and see their lady they you know they had a house they had like a fucking minivan and like three kids.

Speaker 1 Yeah, they're organized.

Speaker 1 Well, they had moved past adolescence, and that's kind of like, like I ran into this guy the other day that I started out with, and he never got married or anything like that.

Speaker 1 And he's like, dude, I still feel young. I mean, I feel like I'm like, he never got married, never had kids.
And he's like, I feel like I'm in this extended adolescence. And it's like, well, you are.

Speaker 1 Yeah.

Speaker 1 You are. I mean, I'm not good or bad.
I'm not judging it, but it's just like, because I did that long enough where I was just like, I got bored with it. I'm like,

Speaker 1 you know, I would like to get up and have some sort of responsibility

Speaker 1 other than trying to figure out, you know, where am I going to, I don't know, go have a beer today. I mean, I was literally,

Speaker 1 you know, waking up at like 10 in the morning and waiting till 8 o'clock at night to do stand-up.

Speaker 1 It was bad.

Speaker 1 Yeah, and then I got into like writer's block and all of that. that type of stuff where I was going to ask you about that.
As a songwriter,

Speaker 1 when you get into writer's Writer's Block,

Speaker 1 if you have, you've been doing it long enough, do you have any tricks to sort of pull yourself out of the mud when you're just like, oh, God, I keep writing about the same stuff or

Speaker 1 I don't got nothing new, you know?

Speaker 1 You play drums, so playing heavy. Well,

Speaker 1 I'm a guitar-centered dad drummer. Anyway, I sit down and I play when the levee breaks.

Speaker 1 And then some occult people can't do it. Sounds good, man.
You got a lot of bonham in you.

Speaker 1 I'm just being honest. I'm not going to sit here with a professional.

Speaker 1 But anyway, I'm good for a dad that tells jokes with two kids. You've got an outlet separate to comedy, right? Yes.

Speaker 1 So you can go and release a bit of your IRs out there and see if that gets a little flow going, right? So for me, it's not too dissimilar. I'll just do some other thing to get some flow going.

Speaker 1 I think for me, just

Speaker 1 what's your thing? I might go for a drive.

Speaker 1 Oh, you a car guy? Yeah. Oh, Oh, that's awesome.
Or I'll just jam. I just, I don't write a song.
Just jam. Just play some music.
Just have fun with it. Right.

Speaker 1 You know, just get back to the basics of having fun with it. And then maybe something will start flowing.
What I do is I

Speaker 1 take all rules of like hacky. Like, I'm not doing this.
That's a hacky topic. And I just.
What do you mean by a hacky talk? A hacky topic is just something that's been done to death. Right.

Speaker 1 It would be like,

Speaker 1 I'm trying to think of something. I don't know.
Like, when I was coming up, like going to the dentist airplane getting on the airplane topics yeah yeah yeah just like oh my god you know

Speaker 1 dogs do this cats do that I just take all of that and I throw it out and I talk about whatever and it's weird it somehow turns into something and I'll try something new or do something that I'm like excited about but if you try something new you feel stupid, you fail and everything like that.

Speaker 1 So like something funny like ends up happening

Speaker 1 that ends up turning into like, because I'm more like a storyteller than like a sort of a joke, you know.

Speaker 1 Like, I'm fascinated by people who can just write a great joke. Me too.
Like, monologues and stuff like that. Me too.

Speaker 1 Yours just comes from sort of riffing. And then

Speaker 1 the bits form. And then the bits form into something that now is constructed, which can flow each night, sounding somewhat spontaneous, but there's a center of it.

Speaker 1 Yeah, so I, yeah, and it, and a lot of times it starts off with like what you're saying is embarrassing. It's so bad.

Speaker 1 But then if you develop it, you can kind of go into like this new room, this offshoot room that someone didn't go into. And then what happens is

Speaker 1 it's almost like in Goodfellas when Jimmy the Gent was whacking everybody from the Lithuanse Heist.

Speaker 1 As a comedian, you chop off that first hacky thing that got into it, and then you're in that over there. You fantastic.
Yeah, and then you got rid of the

Speaker 1 evidence. Yes, you got rid of the body.
That makes perfect sense. Yeah.
Well, they say the the art of originality is knowing how to hide your sources.

Speaker 1 Oh.

Speaker 1 I don't know. I always feel like when I hate when people say everything's been done.

Speaker 1 And like, no, but I would say, like, you know, I think, don't you feel like, though, that that's early on? Like,

Speaker 1 I'm sure when you started out, like, people like, oh, you listen to this guy, this guy, this guy.

Speaker 1 But then the longer you do it, I don't think it's necessarily like hiding your influences where you found like your sort of recipe.

Speaker 1 Yeah, yeah. And I think Miles Davis said it takes a long time to sound like yourself or to play like yourself.
Right. A long time.

Speaker 1 I mean, for the longest time, you'll just play like other people and then eventually become your own thing. I'm sure even with comedy, it's the same thing.
Oh, yeah.

Speaker 1 No, I was when I started out, who was I doing? I was doing Brian Regan.

Speaker 1 And then, and then people come, oh, dude, you're like Brian Regan or whatever. And I'd be thinking like, no, I'm not.
And I totally was. I totally was.
Like, my mannerisms, I was like crouching down.

Speaker 1 So you'd watch yourself back and see that and go, oh, shit. No, I had so much to this day.
I can't watch myself. Like the self-loathing.
But how did you know you were doing him?

Speaker 1 Because everyone was saying it, and then I also knew I was doing it. And I kept telling myself to stop doing it.

Speaker 1 But then it became muscle memory where I was going, he had like this little crouch that he would do, and I was doing it.

Speaker 1 And I was trying to stop doing it, but I was so afraid of bombing. And it was like working.
And it was like this torturous sort of two years

Speaker 1 that I went through and then it took like another five years of not doing it for people to stop saying because you know their first impression oh that guy he's just fucking he's just doing Regan

Speaker 1 it took like another five years or so to get away from that and then I then I was in my angry years

Speaker 1 And all kinds of things. Was it legit that? Or was it something you were developing?

Speaker 1 No, it was legit anger, but I didn't understand what I was angry about.

Speaker 1 So

Speaker 1 I said a lot of shit to a lot of people that had no business hearing it.

Speaker 1 I call those, yeah, taking out your childhood on the world.

Speaker 1 So I did that until, you know, I fucked up another relationship, and then I was just like, all right, like, this is, you know, I was, yeah, I was in, chicks are psychos. Like,

Speaker 1 that was my big takeaway. 34 years on the world, that was my big takeaway that I learned being on this planet.
Chicks of psycho.

Speaker 1 And then I was kind of like, all right, you just ruined another relationship with a great woman. Like, this has to be you.

Speaker 1 So when I stopped doing this and I started, like, looking at myself, it was the slow

Speaker 1 crawl

Speaker 1 to,

Speaker 1 like, now,

Speaker 1 like, I get along with my wife great. Yeah.
To the point it's making me nervous. I'm just like, this is going really good.
Like, is she thinking about getting the fuck out of here?

Speaker 1 Is that why she's happy? It can't be something I'm doing because I've just, historically speaking,

Speaker 1 I have pissed women off.

Speaker 1 I just,

Speaker 1 I'm trying to stop that. So,

Speaker 1 I don't know. You've been married for a long time.
You got any tips? Eight, ten years. I'm working on it.
Yeah.

Speaker 1 Yeah. It's.

Speaker 1 Every marriage is different. That's why I can't stand marriage advice from people.
Because it's like, well, that's your marriage. That works for you.
It may not work for us. It may not work for them.

Speaker 1 I don't know. I just try to make a laugh every day, and then I try to be easygoing.

Speaker 1 And making a laugh is easy. The easygoing part is like

Speaker 1 that part is hard for me. Right.
You know, because every day I have like a ton of shit that I have to do. And I think part of that goes back to, once again, the trauma thing.
Like, you know,

Speaker 1 like ADD, all of that shit. I'll do this and I'll do this and I'll do that.
Because then you don't have to think about shit that happened to you.

Speaker 1 So, but then, you know, you're a human being and you need to rest. And then I don't.
And then I get irritable. And then, you know, I, you know, I'm snippy around that.

Speaker 1 Like, who wants to be around that?

Speaker 1 But I've also kind of, my wife has a great sense of humor. Like, she was being a jerk this morning.
So I just wrote her a poem

Speaker 1 that was talking all of this,

Speaker 1 talking all of this shit. about what I was doing

Speaker 1 and and and then in the end it was like but you still treat me like an ass and she thought it was hilarious, and then it just sort of like resets it. But I feel like if you don't have those devices,

Speaker 1 it just starts building up. And then, next thing you know, like you end up going your separate ways.

Speaker 1 How much do you have to work through isms in your personality that make up who you are as an artist and as a creative person?

Speaker 1 Sexism. What do you mean? No, like quirks like anxiety, some of these insecurities,

Speaker 1 mood swings, whatever it is, all these things, right? I definitely am. Trauma, whatever it is, mood swings.
Right?

Speaker 1 Yeah, but my point is, you could work on all that stuff and be a potential, you know, quote-unquote, more whole human being. Right.
But maybe just not as funny, not as interesting, not as exciting.

Speaker 1 It is a myth.

Speaker 1 Because there was a thing when

Speaker 1 I was growing up, when I was coming up as a comedian, they used to always say, you know, don't get too happy. Right.
If you get happy, you won't be funny. You know, no facial hair.

Speaker 1 People want to see your expressions. Oh, wow.
You got a real thing. You can't be too in shape.
You can't be good looking. They had all these fucking things.
Women aren't funny.

Speaker 1 They had all of these fucking, all of them were bullshit. They were all fucking bullshit.
And one of them was

Speaker 1 don't get too happy. Don't get married until you get to a certain point or whatever.
All of it was BS.

Speaker 1 And it's like, if you get happy, what's great about that is if you were like crazy before is you can revisit all of this stuff you've been through with a completely different perspective.

Speaker 1 You can laugh at yourself. Your shows become lighter.

Speaker 1 Women start coming to your shows.

Speaker 1 I mean, dude, the first 15 years of my stand-up career was a sausage fest. And it was just a bunch of,

Speaker 1 just a bunch of morons.

Speaker 1 And it was just a bunch of morons who didn't understand themselves or women like me. And that's what I was doing.
So then,

Speaker 1 and it's funny now, like some people have noticed that I've changed a little bit.

Speaker 1 And then what's funny is the people that haven't, you know, sort of gotten out of where I was, they'll say, like, you know, you used to be funny like five years ago. And I'm just like, dude, I get it.

Speaker 1 I'm not as fucking angry as I was. And if you want to spend your one life being angry, like, you know,

Speaker 1 more power to you. You know, I don't want to, I don't want to be.

Speaker 1 I don't like all of that shit. Don't leave New York.
Come out to LA. You're going to lose your edge, which is hilarious.
Like, this is an easy city. This place is brutal.
New York is brutal.

Speaker 1 LA is brutal, but at least New York, there's trees, there's water. You know what I mean? There's other people that aren't in this business.
You know what I mean? We're out here.

Speaker 1 You just feel like everybody you run into, you know, has a podcast

Speaker 1 or whatever.

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Do you want to talk about your album at all?

Speaker 1 Before we, you know, because we're really just sort of. It's a neat segue, Bill.
I know. It's amazing.
I don't even have to.

Speaker 1 It's an interesting title, though. High.
Thank you. So is that like, you know, is that sort of a play on, like, you're high on life or are you?

Speaker 1 It's a great word because a lot of people, everybody interprets it differently. Okay.
And I like all the different interpretations of it. I've been many interpretations of that.

Speaker 1 I've been sober 18 years, but I still. 18 years? Yeah.

Speaker 1 What was you? Were you a drinker? What was your deal?

Speaker 1 Yeah. Coke booze.
Oh, you did it all? Yeah. See, all while doing that, family values?

Speaker 1 That's fucking amazing to me. That's like a movie, dude.
That's like a movie scene. So

Speaker 1 when did you bottom out?

Speaker 1 What was your thing?

Speaker 1 I'll tell you mine. If you want, just so it eases into yours.

Speaker 1 I didn't go as far down the road as you did. I was lucky with cocaine, where,

Speaker 1 I mean, it was a tragedy, but I learned something.

Speaker 1 When the Boston Celtics drafted this kid, Len Bias, went to Maryland, and like we, the city was like overjoyed, like, oh, because we always had like slow white guys.

Speaker 1 I was like, oh my God, we finally have a black dude that can dunk.

Speaker 1 You know, we're going to go up against the Lakers. You know, they had like worthy that magic.
They just were like,

Speaker 1 you know, they were Showtime Lakers. They were like...
glorious to watch and we would look like a bunch of guys at a YMCA. Man, so we got this kid.

Speaker 1 Once again, Red Arbeck, this shrewd, I don't even know how, we were coming off winning a championship, I believe, and then in 86, and then we got this kid. I didn't even know how it happened.

Speaker 1 And two weeks later, he was dead from a, I think he was free basin. He overdosed or whatever.
And that scared, at least for me, that scared the shit out of me. And I was like, cocaine, bad.

Speaker 1 So I just stuck with the booze. So my low point

Speaker 1 was when my wife finally said something to me. And she never,

Speaker 1 broke my balls about anything. She's going, What's going on with you? You're like drinking every night.
How long had you been together? Um,

Speaker 1 like eight years, it'd been a while, and it was well, the mistake I made is I brought the booze in the house, okay? Because I don't have like that.

Speaker 1 I'm sure that wasn't the mistake, but yeah, well, I well, I, it's like that's what, that's what made it that because I'm more of a habit guy than I don't have like the addiction, addiction thing, yeah, but I am like,

Speaker 1 you know,

Speaker 1 I always call it like the spec, like the spectrum of it. I am like, definitely definitely probably like two o'clock on it.
So

Speaker 1 before, like, I, you know, if I didn't have it at home, like Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday, I'm like, I'm not really out. So I wouldn't think about it.

Speaker 1 So it didn't get a chance to get a hold of me.

Speaker 1 But then what happened is I got older, you know, drinking beer, I was getting a belly. And then somebody introduced hard stuff to me, you know, like vodka.

Speaker 1 And like, oh, this is, this little thing has as much alcohol as six beers. I'll just have one of those instead of drinking a six-pack.
But you know the deal. Yeah.

Speaker 1 Then you have six of those and then you build up a tolerance and then you're fucking knocking out a bottle every three days. So I went to bourbon

Speaker 1 and I was watching old TV shows. My wife would go to bed and I would just be up there and I was pouring them like that.
And I remember she was going like, dude, look at that thing.

Speaker 1 And I was going, I called them a home pour. It's a home pour.
You know, you go out to the bar, they give you, I'm bouncing it out. So I would have like three or four of those a night.

Speaker 1 And I was just killing bottles like every three days.

Speaker 1 And so she finally sad, isn't it? When you're in a picture. By myself.
Watching old movies. Though that was glorious because they were all drinking and smoking.

Speaker 1 So it didn't feel like there was anything wrong.

Speaker 1 So anyway, I went,

Speaker 1 my wife told me not to drink. No, she told me not to have one.
You've had enough, okay? You've had enough.

Speaker 1 And you come downstairs, bedrooms downstairs, and you're snoring and whatever, just knocking off. And I said, all right, all right, you're right.
And I was like, wow, she's saying something.

Speaker 1 And I still poured like one more,

Speaker 1 but I knew that she would know that I poured it another one if I didn't come to bed within the next five minutes.

Speaker 1 So then I was walking down the stairs and I had like this big ice cube, one of those big ice cubes in it, and

Speaker 1 I was hiding it on the other side of my leg as I came walking in before,

Speaker 1 in case she was still awake. And I'm like, I'm this guy now? Yeah.
I'm hiding the booze. Like, when am I going to have like, you know, the bottle in the back of the toilet? So

Speaker 1 the following week. So that was when I knew it was out of control.
But then it took like another year

Speaker 1 and having a daughter. And then I was just sitting there going, like, you know, I'm down here.
She was a couple months old.

Speaker 1 I go, if somebody comes through the door right now, I can barely even stand up. Like, I'm not even a man right now.
Like, what the fuck am I doing? So I decided I was taking a break. And then.

Speaker 1 Were you still working through there? You must have been. Was I doing stand-up? Oh, yeah.
Yeah. Yeah.
And that was. Was that helping or hurting?

Speaker 1 Well, I never really drank before shows. So I never did.

Speaker 1 I never did that, but I was definitely drinking out of loneliness because it was like, I don't want to go back to the empty hotel room, so I'm just going to stay out as long as I can to right before I'm going to pass out and then face plant in the bed, and then I'll be good.

Speaker 1 But

Speaker 1 so then anyway, all I was doing was taking a break,

Speaker 1 and I just never came back because I don't have to go through quitting again is basically it.

Speaker 1 And it took me so long to get to that place, to get enough days in a row that I, you know, remember, did you watch that great series on

Speaker 1 George and Tammy? I didn't see that. Okay, well, they had this thing that he would do, the actor, when Tammy would look at him and know that George was thinking about drinking, he would kind of go,

Speaker 1 kind of do this thing with his mouth, like he had a taste for it. And then she would get him to build like a dollhouse, like try to distract him.
Like for me, it took like,

Speaker 1 you know, it took like three weeks to get rid of the initial thing of it.

Speaker 1 And then it took like like another like month and a half to start being like, to actually be outside of it and looking at it, being like, what the fuck was I doing?

Speaker 1 And I don't want to go back to that. And my face looks better, and I'm dropping some weight here.
So, you know, vanity helps a lot with not drinking. Yeah.

Speaker 1 All of it.

Speaker 1 So, yeah, so then I kind of like,

Speaker 1 I don't know, but I replaced it with other shit. Like during the pandemic, it was ice cream sandwiches and I fucking ballooned up.
Oh my my God, it was the greatest thing ever.

Speaker 1 And I was like, California, you're sober, so I'd take two hits off a joint because I'm not a big weed guy. And then I would just eat like an ice cream sandwich.

Speaker 1 And, you know, you look at yourself every day in the mirror, so you don't notice that you're slowly expanding. And then I stood on the scale.
I was like, oh, my God, what the fuck did I do?

Speaker 1 And, you know, by then I had like two kids. And it just, you know, I don't know.
I just, I just finally got rid of coffee. Yeah.
That thing spun up. Why did you do that? Why did you get rid of coffee?

Speaker 1 Because I was drinking like two to four cappuccinos a day. Let's see the patent here.
Yeah, and that's what happens. Yeah, and

Speaker 1 I get into shit. And so I just gotta, I gotta watch what I get into.
Yeah.

Speaker 1 So, like, I, I,

Speaker 1 yeah, I'm a fucking lunatic. But you have a new album out called High.
Thank you. I know.
You're really.

Speaker 1 I like learning about you. I know, yeah, you're a very inquisitive guy here.

Speaker 1 But okay, so, okay, I told you my, what was your story? I know yours is way better.

Speaker 1 I'm with Hank Williams Jr.

Speaker 1 We fell down the steps of the Ryman.

Speaker 1 What was yours?

Speaker 1 I had several of them, but I went to rehab a few times, you know, over the course of about eight years.

Speaker 1 What's that like when you get in there and you're still Jones and for whatever you're on, and you're in this place that they give it this overly peaceful name, and you don't feel any peace in you whatsoever, and you just want to kill everybody and get out of there and go do some blow or whatever?

Speaker 1 The first one was because a cop told me how to get it was either there or get arrested it was either rehab or arrest and so i chose rehab choice yeah easy choice yeah so

Speaker 1 um

Speaker 1 that was a 28-day program first one that i did and how bad was how bad was that first few days of did you have major dts and all of that i don't remember that um

Speaker 1 i knew i needed help of some sort all right so you were in a good place mentally yes except i got out of there and i went, oh, I know what the problem is. The problem is the hard drugs.

Speaker 1 Drinking's fine. It's the hard drugs that are ruining my life.
That's how I

Speaker 1 so I get out of rehab and I'm back to drinking. Well, of course, you know, fast forward about three years and it's all descended back where it was.
I'm now in my second rehab.

Speaker 1 And I thought, I'm in a toxic relationship with this particular girlfriend. That's the problem.
So the first one was hard drugs. The second one is the toxic relationship.
I love that.

Speaker 1 The third rehab is like, I might be alcoholic.

Speaker 1 I know.

Speaker 1 Yeah.

Speaker 1 Now, why was it hard for you? There's something about it where you just like, you just feel like weak.

Speaker 1 They even say, like, how I'm lactose intolerant, like, there's something wrong with you genetically. You can't eat the milk.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Speaker 1 No, and that's, I think it's a primal thing with guys too, to not have anything that makes them a liability to the tribe because we get pushed out and left behind.

Speaker 1 All right, so when you get to I might be an alcoholic, yeah,

Speaker 1 uh,

Speaker 1 like how long before. My dad was alcoholic, so

Speaker 1 I genetically predisposed to that. And it doesn't really interest me whether somebody believes that or not.
I totally believe that's a real thing. You get that genetic thing or you don't.

Speaker 1 My brother doesn't have it.

Speaker 1 He doesn't have that thing. I got it.
Yeah. Do you think there's anything to, like, to your father, did he drink in front of you? Yeah, of course.
All right. So do you think there's anything to

Speaker 1 like making that like regular behavior? Because when I was growing up in Massachusetts, like

Speaker 1 you had a son or a daughter and they became like a bartender. Like it was unreal.
Like I had friends of mine at eight years old could make at least 12 different drinks.

Speaker 1 Like they would have their friends over, the adults would. And then it just became, it was considered like cute.
Like go make me a Manhattan or something.

Speaker 1 And like my buddy would say, oh yeah, whatever, Manhattan, you know,

Speaker 1 Vodka Collins, what do you need?

Speaker 1 Like he like knew knew how to do it at like eight or nine years old and I remember being in that environment and thinking that his parents were cool and my parents weren't and then I realized years later it's like oh no my parents were cool like they

Speaker 1 got like you know they they didn't do they didn't do anything they were like no booze no smoking nothing

Speaker 1 at all. But like I just, you know, you know, you're in like your teenage years, so you feel like a freak, so everything is like, oh, God, oh, my parents.

Speaker 1 And then when you're 20s, you look back like, no, they were kind of awesome. They kind of did like a really great job with that.
But,

Speaker 1 you know, not all of them, but a lot of them that I noticed from that era, like still drink. Where'd you grow up? I grew up in Massachusetts,

Speaker 1 North Shore when I was really young, and then the South Shore. But like drinking was.
Yeah.

Speaker 1 Yeah, it was. It's the same with Australia.
Yeah, it was totally just. An alcoholic would be a very specific definition in Australia.
He'd be a guy under a bridge, that's right, brown bag.

Speaker 1 And I'm like, well, I'm not that, so I'm obviously not an alcoholic. Yeah, laying in the gutter was us.
If you were like laying in the gutter, and then even then, you would just call.

Speaker 1 You never called an alcoholic. You were the town drunk.
Right. He's a whino.
Yeah.

Speaker 1 Like

Speaker 1 Australia. There was no pedophiles.
It was just dirty old men.

Speaker 1 Like everything was just sort of like

Speaker 1 stay with me. He's a dirty old man.
He's a whino. He's a fucking drunk.
Yeah. And,

Speaker 1 you know, that's just sort of. Yes, the characters.
Yeah, so there was.

Speaker 1 That's interesting. Is there anger issues? There's anger issues.
And I was just judging by your sports in Australia and just some of the things I heard.

Speaker 1 Wherever there's heavy drinking, there's going to be anger issues. Yeah.
They pretty much go hand in hand.

Speaker 1 One of the most fucked up things I ever heard anybody say, I heard this guy say, the first time I went to Australia, I was in a bar and these two guys got into it.

Speaker 1 And the guy said, he goes, I'll head butt your teeth, teeth, you fucking cunt. And I was just like, whoa.

Speaker 1 Like, that was like, it was so specific. And the headbutt, too, is like, it's the number one psycho move in a fight.

Speaker 1 Like, you're literally like, I have no concerns whatsoever for my own body, bodily injury. Well, I'm not going to injure my fist, but my head's going to do more damage.
It's just.

Speaker 1 Yeah, but

Speaker 1 you could, like, like the leading with your head. Who does that in a fight? And the fact that he was going right for the teeth.
And I just, the way he said it, I like felt it

Speaker 1 my own teeth. I was just like, Jesus Christ, these people are, these people are lunatics.
Yeah, and then I, um,

Speaker 1 but I didn't drink like my dad, so I definitely wasn't like trying to be like my dad at all. I got to Nashville, and it was really hard, harder than I thought it was going to be, and

Speaker 1 oh, trying to break in. Oh, God, yeah.
Well, I know it's difficult. What's it like coming in

Speaker 1 from Australia, the Australian? The Argonian accent, the whole thing.

Speaker 1 everything yeah i couldn't have checked more boxes of like this is not gonna work yeah but i so when did you finally like well you must have had those those

Speaker 1 i can't imagine moving that far just

Speaker 1 like sydney to la

Speaker 1 yeah

Speaker 1 completely different hemisphere 14 hours on a plane And then you want to call your friends for some support and it's like the middle of the night when it's like 11 in the morning. I can't imagine,

Speaker 1 at least if you were in

Speaker 1 Los Angeles, it's sort of like an international sort of, maybe you could, maybe there's an Australian bar here, you could watch some

Speaker 1 sports, but to go to like Nashville,

Speaker 1 like the level of isolation as an Australian, like and you're struggling,

Speaker 1 people must have thought you were nuts leaving Australia. But they don't tell you that.
They tell you that they're saying that behind your back, they're not in front of you.

Speaker 1 What did they say in front of you? It's fantastic, man. It's great that you're here, super talented.

Speaker 1 And then you hear years later, people are like, Man, we were saying behind the scenes, we're like, this guy is crazy. He's never going to do anything in this town.

Speaker 1 You hear it, you know, all these years later, and I'm like, oh my God, why do you just tell me that? I know. How embarrassing is that? So, how long, how long

Speaker 1 were you?

Speaker 1 I got that song.

Speaker 1 You weren't selling songs, and then everybody was like, What? What'd you say? Yeah. You're dealing with that.
Yeah.

Speaker 1 You don't have any of your friends from Australia. God, that must have been brutal.
Yeah.

Speaker 1 That's where drugs came in. And they worked great for me because

Speaker 1 it allowed me to stay and just

Speaker 1 keep going at it. Make connections.
Year after year.

Speaker 1 Exactly. Oh, are you in Payola? Yeah, I'll do some blow with you.
So eight or nine years, and then you finally, did you write a hit for somebody else or for yourself? No, yeah, it was me.

Speaker 1 I'd written a song and I was trying to pitch it around town, and it ended up on my first solo record, and it ended up being my first number one song. So how many many people did like

Speaker 1 I imagine when you were shopping that they're like this guy's from Australia this this is this guy's crazy and they just and then when it becomes a hit Yeah, they do like a 180 and then it becomes like

Speaker 1 that's a weird moment in the career, right? When all of these people that were just slamming the door all of a sudden like hey, come on in, sit out.

Speaker 1 There was a few more starting to I was really lucky because the writing community, the songwriting community were really good to me right out of the gate. And they knew I was the real deal.

Speaker 1 I could play, I could write, and I was there for the long haul. You know, Nashville's a small town, especially in the early 90s.
Right.

Speaker 1 And they're just making sure that you're not coming in to be a carpetbagger. Right.
You know, like, what are you here for?

Speaker 1 I wish I could have gone there and a lot of these places in the early 90s, like Austin, Texas, you know, all these places that Denver,

Speaker 1 Nashville, Atlanta. Like, what was Atlanta like before it just became like it's like the LA of the South, like how, like, how big that airport is, the level of traffic.

Speaker 1 Like, last time I did a gig there

Speaker 1 in Atlanta, yeah, there was like a Braves game going on, and where I was playing, they had a little theater right off next to the baseball stadium, and we sat in traffic for 45 minutes, and I could see the stadium and the place where I was performing.

Speaker 1 It was like, this is like trying to get through the Lincoln tunnel at five o'clock in the afternoon. Like, how do these people do?

Speaker 1 And what was funny was they moved the stadium out of downtown because people, you know, they didn't like the traffic. I think it was traffic and also

Speaker 1 other social issues. So they moved it out there, and they didn't.

Speaker 1 It was very Boston, where it was just like, you know, it didn't solve any problem. Like the big dig, they didn't add any more lanes.

Speaker 1 And then the city just kept it. That went on forever, that big dig.
I remember up there early on, and it was just always under construction. Oh, yeah.
Forever. No, the city is much better.

Speaker 1 Like the city got like Botox is basically what happened. But what kills me is you go and there's that this offshoot that leads to the Mystic Tobin Bridge.

Speaker 1 And it's like the tunnel is so fucking wide, and it's one lane. And then this whole other lane is just for emergency vehicles only.

Speaker 1 And it's like, I guess I understand that, but like, couldn't we all just sort of squeeze over? It's just,

Speaker 1 I don't know. I thought that when I saw all the traffic trying to get out of Tampa the other night on the news, and the freeway is completely jammed, going one way.

Speaker 1 The freeway heading into Tampa, nobody on it. And I'm like, maybe free up a couple of those lanes for people coming this way.
Why not? There you go. It's not

Speaker 1 a good solution. I just hope everybody,

Speaker 1 oh my God, gets out of there. Oh, unbelievable.
Yeah.

Speaker 1 At some point, even like the lizard people have to address global warming. We got to like, like, these storms.
This guy's talking about a nine to 15-foot surge. Yeah.

Speaker 1 That's just,

Speaker 1 it's getting biblical.

Speaker 1 And then what's crazy about this country is it's so divided politically that like these idiot liberals are actually saying stuff about their own countrymen. Like it's okay.

Speaker 1 I get you don't give a shit about them. You don't share their political views, but you're wishing this disaster, possibly death, on them.

Speaker 1 But then

Speaker 1 there's people in Florida that would say that about like LA if there was like a big earthquake. It's a really,

Speaker 1 it's a strange time. It is challenging.
That's why I love what I get to do, because I actually get to find two hours of common ground with everybody.

Speaker 1 Yeah, and it's also what, but do you find it oddly depressing, though, to go to, at least I'm speaking just as this country, to go to all the states and see how similar everybody is. Oh, yeah.

Speaker 1 And then you just, you know, I'll go. I get everybody at my console.
I get MAGA hats. I get liberals.
I get every pronoun. I get everything out there.
Yeah. Everything.

Speaker 1 And they're all just getting along for two hours at least. Yeah.
And when I tell people, like, some of the cities I go to out here in L.A.,

Speaker 1 they go, oh, my God, like, what was that like? Was it just like, was the Klan marching down the street? It's like, no,

Speaker 1 it's not like that. And then, like, you know, even my friends back east are going like, dude, how's LA? All right.
You know, like, they think it's all on fire and everybody's on skid row. Yeah.

Speaker 1 And it's like, no, that's, no.

Speaker 1 Do you think we're all just sitting here like, you know, roasting in flames? Yeah. I mean, there's definitely a fire today.
I don't know what's going on. It's pretty cloudy on the way over here.

Speaker 1 Sorry. I'm all over the map here.

Speaker 1 Anyway, so

Speaker 1 you write this song, it becomes a hit and all of that. Did you,

Speaker 1 the way the music business was back then,

Speaker 1 how many hits did you have to write before they were like all right this guy's a made guy and you didn't feel like you had to still like dance for your supper that you actually had like credibility one of the really good things happened

Speaker 1 taking a long time to get signed and get success turned out to be the best thing for me um

Speaker 1 because i got to do it on my terms you know

Speaker 1 Two reasons that happened. One was because when you got nothing to lose, I had nothing to lose.
So I was like, I was almost dictating terms that I wanted. I'm like, what do I care?

Speaker 1 I would like to have this, this, this, this, and this. I'm like,

Speaker 1 well, you say no, I just go somewhere else, you know.

Speaker 1 But I found, but I said, a guy said to me earlier on when I got there, he goes, what's your goal? I said, to get a record deal. He goes, no, that's not the goal.
I said, what's the goal?

Speaker 1 He goes, get the right record deal. I said, what's the difference? He goes, well, the right one's going to give you.
total artistic control of everything.

Speaker 1 You should be able to sign off on all the songs, the producers, the players, the name of the album, the photo, like everything should be your final say, everything.

Speaker 1 Don't let anyone else do that because you're going to have to live and die by this thing. If it fails, it's all on you.
If it succeeds, it's all on you. Oh, my God.

Speaker 1 You know, I went to go, I went to, I'm not going to name the band because it's sad, but I went to go see this band

Speaker 1 and

Speaker 1 like these guys broke in like 89 or 90.

Speaker 1 And the lead guitarist was telling me that they are still beholden to a contract

Speaker 1 that they signed way back then, and they've had all of these hits. And these guys just friggin' like, like, stole from them.
And

Speaker 1 I had this idea for a bit, but it never worked out on my act.

Speaker 1 But I was always talking about how,

Speaker 1 you know, they always like when they talk about gangsters, they always talk about like these famous guys, like the John Gottis and the Al Capones and all of that.

Speaker 1 But like the really smart ones, they weren't out in the public. And what they were trying to do was not only not be in the public eye, but they were trying to go legit.

Speaker 1 They were trying to take all their

Speaker 1 illegal money

Speaker 1 and get themselves onto the legal side, which I basically call the legal side of stealing.

Speaker 1 Because if you look at how corporations operate, banks operate, and all of that, it's just legalized stealing. And like people, I go, what's the difference between a bank and a loan shop?

Speaker 1 And people are like, well, a bank doesn't break your legs. It's like, because they don't have to.
They can just go through

Speaker 1 the legal system and then they can just go get you. The mob had to break your legs because what they were doing was not, there was no legal

Speaker 1 binding contract. So they had to.
They couldn't just take your house. Yeah,

Speaker 1 they had to show, you know, make an example of you so everybody else, so you would pay and everybody else would like pay. So,

Speaker 1 you know, I kind of like, like,

Speaker 1 I relate to that story where I came in and like the amount of shit you just don't know and nobody's going to tell you unless you ask. Quite the opposite.
Yeah.

Speaker 1 The goal is to make sure you don't know about any of this. Yes.

Speaker 1 Like, I didn't realize that if your name wasn't on the pilot, like, you don't get, like, whoever's name is on the pilot gets to created by

Speaker 1 do you find that out the hard way? Yes.

Speaker 1 Yes. After they will always forever just set you up with a writer, and then you be, and you're sitting there, like, writing it with them.

Speaker 1 I mean, I learned it before I did Efforts for Family, but like, on all of those pilots, like all of that, if you direct the pilot episode, you got credit, you got paid every episode after that for helping to create the look

Speaker 1 of the thing. And that's why back in the day, you would see these big directors would come in and they would do the pilot was for two reasons.
One, the studio wanted a guy or a woman that

Speaker 1 had success and knew how to make it look good.

Speaker 1 And then two, the director was doing it because this was like checks you know this is mailbox money which i don't even know if that exists anymore with um like this business has changed so much with the uh

Speaker 1 the streaming and also how people like

Speaker 1 consume content or whatever like right now me and my wife are watching that show the penguin uh-huh is it good oh my god yeah oh it's so much fun and colin ferrett's bad he's amazing

Speaker 1 i've only seen that like if i i wish i didn't know it was him so i could find after whatever like eight episodes and be like you know who that was oh my god you gotta be kidding me. So

Speaker 1 like, but what I have. The New Jerker yet? The New Jerker? I haven't.
I haven't. But like,

Speaker 1 what I like about the Penguin is

Speaker 1 it comes out every,

Speaker 1 like this one episode a week rather than just being able to binge all of it. So the whole week, like me and my wife talk about it.

Speaker 1 Oh, that's amazing. Man, I can't believe, because like he's, oh man, he's just, he's just double-crossing everybody.
Yeah.

Speaker 1 And you're just seeing this, it's just, this, this becoming this runaway freight train. And it reminded me like when Breaking Bad would come on like every week and everyone would be talking about it.

Speaker 1 He'd be talking about it online. So

Speaker 1 it's funny. I don't even know what channel I'm watching this on because I can't work the TV.
So is it on HBO? Yeah. So I like that they still do that.
Yeah.

Speaker 1 And I had like a few friends of mine going like, oh, I'm going to wait till the whole series is out and then I'm going to binge it.

Speaker 1 And it's just like, I always look at that like if it's a really good show, it's like binging a really good show to me is like taking like

Speaker 1 this bottle of wine is this salt and you just like you just shot, take the cork out and you shotgun it and you don't even taste it.

Speaker 1 It's just like I'm gonna wait till I can drink the whole thing in one. Yeah, it's like what was what is the point

Speaker 1 of

Speaker 1 savoring anything? Yeah,

Speaker 1 why wouldn't you want to like take this in and appreciate it? Nobody savors anything anymore. Like an album.

Speaker 1 I think there's some people out there that still do. Well, that was the funny thing about doing F is a Family.

Speaker 1 It was like, like doing animation, like it took like a whole year to make that, and it was only six episodes, and they were a half hour. So within three hours, people could watch the whole thing.
And

Speaker 1 they would come out at 11 o'clock at night. And then I would get all of these great emails and going, oh my God, that was fantastic.
When's the next season coming out?

Speaker 1 It's like, I got to go back into the mine, put on the hard hat with the fucking light, you know, and

Speaker 1 I think about that with chefs making meals sometimes and how long they're taking something and it's

Speaker 1 gone. And you're like, what's next?

Speaker 1 Did you taste all?

Speaker 1 You know what's funny? I remember one time I was, I went to this

Speaker 1 crazy restaurant where

Speaker 1 it's like chemistry. So they're just like, they're just like, this is a,

Speaker 1 they'll hand you something. It looks like foam or whatever the hell it is.
There's one in New York. Yeah, this is like a steak and cheese sandwich.
Like, what the fuck?

Speaker 1 what is this and you ate it and all of a sudden you tasted it was like it's like being an astronaut it was really weird i'm sure it wasn't wasn't healthy but anyway so we're at this fancy restaurant and we're gonna smoke a cigar afterwards and one of the guys was like an addict and he couldn't wait and he lit his cigar

Speaker 1 before the food even came and he was smoking the cigar and then just wolfing down the food and then going back to the thing and it was just really it was like the greatest like this is what an addict like looks like he wasn't savoring anything he was just just consuming and just like, oh, food tastes good.

Speaker 1 Oh, nicotine high.

Speaker 1 He was a recovered addict.

Speaker 1 Not really. Well, yeah, he just,

Speaker 1 he just, I was like, oh, this is how, oh my God, because I never saw him when he drank. I'm like, this is how this guy fucking drank.
Yeah. He was just two-fisted and it was like.

Speaker 1 And I laughed halfway through the meal. And he's like, what are you doing? I go, dude, you're a fucking animal.
Like, what are you doing? Yeah. Could have just gone in and out or something.

Speaker 1 Made me easier. Yeah.
Like, that's what he should have done. And just had

Speaker 1 wipe the grease on the bag off of your face. Like, that's essentially it.
Well,

Speaker 1 anyway, by the album, yes, I had, because

Speaker 1 I have a,

Speaker 1 this has been fantastic. I was really nervous because, you know, I didn't know what this was going to be like.

Speaker 1 You know what I mean?

Speaker 1 I don't get guests as big as you

Speaker 1 often. So

Speaker 1 you've had an incredible career and you're still like, you know, you're an upbeat, positive guy. You beat your demons.

Speaker 1 you have this new album on and you're touring like a human being which is fantastic i'm really happy i imagine when you had your first songs

Speaker 1 like when you went out you were just gone yeah

Speaker 1 uh yeah that was well that was my life and now i have a life separate now were you one of those guys like two pairs of jeans and a t-shirt and you were good like i'm probably pretty much

Speaker 1 i don't feel that much different than when i got started i know that sounds weird but as separate to everything i've done, I don't feel or sense any of that at all. I relate to that.

Speaker 1 I feel the same way. I really don't feel like I'm, I mean, I hope I've grown in a lot of good ways,

Speaker 1 but

Speaker 1 the kind of giddy, inquisitive, excited guy that showed up in Nashville in the 90s, I feel exactly the same. Yeah.

Speaker 1 I've definitely changed, but I'm not like, I don't know, I just saw enough people when I was coming up that they were here, and I was like, looking up, how the fuck do you get there?

Speaker 1 And then all of a sudden, they did something or something went away.

Speaker 1 Oh, my God, there were so many stories like that. I bet.
Oh, my God. I remember this guy.
He got a pilot.

Speaker 1 He got a pilot. He went out and bought a house and a car.

Speaker 1 And then it only went like three weeks.

Speaker 1 And then, like,

Speaker 1 I don't know what he was. I mean, he acted like he was already.
Big ass house, too, I'm sure. Oh, yeah.
Oh, yeah, yeah.

Speaker 1 And the woman he was with at the time was just like, we're fucking, and it was in, you know, you went right down to the bank with his, with his, his, his sitcom for one week, checkstub, going like, yeah, I'm a star of a new sitcom, and we're going to do, you know, 30 episodes a year, and this is what I'm making, blah, blah, blah.

Speaker 1 So he bought the big house, the fucking car, and all of that. And I remember

Speaker 1 I was young, so I was like, oh my God, just looking at him like, that was cool. And I saw the older commercial, so kind of like,

Speaker 1 oh, man, I think he might have gone a little early on those purchases. And I watched him lose all of it.
And then

Speaker 1 a few months later, I ran into this comedian turned like showrunner who I really respected. Super smart guy.
And

Speaker 1 me and this guy who's since passed away, Patrice O'Neal, was standing there. And we asked him, I said,

Speaker 1 when do you,

Speaker 1 you got to be a hit show, right? Come out of the gate. It's a hit show.

Speaker 1 He goes,

Speaker 1 he goes, when do you buy the car?

Speaker 1 And he sat there. He's like,

Speaker 1 he goes, season three.

Speaker 1 We go, three? He goes, yeah, season three.

Speaker 1 No matter how big a hit it is, the first two seasons, you know, if they move around the schedule, if you go up against Monday night football, that was a thing.

Speaker 1 That's what happened with my buddies showed. Like, they had him in the primetime thing, and it was doing well.

Speaker 1 And then they got cocky with the new show, and they moved it opposite some sort of sports show. Shit.
And it just fucked up

Speaker 1 within two weeks. And you got no control over that.
None. But you do have the car that you're now going to take back.
Oh, my God. Yeah, the car and the house.

Speaker 1 And it's just like, it just fucking all went away. And I remember running into him years, and he never got another show or a shot.

Speaker 1 And just seeing him like. My dad always said when I was kidding, he goes, don't go broke looking rich.

Speaker 1 There you go.

Speaker 1 That's pretty good for a raging alcoholic. Oh, he had a lot of good wisdoms.

Speaker 1 I love those people. He had a lot of good people.
Who don't apply it to their own life? They got all this great life. My dad never went broke looking rich.
Oh, he did. He was never a looking rich guy.

Speaker 1 He wasn't into any of that. No materialism.
It wasn't his thing.

Speaker 1 Oh, so now I'm getting this romantic idea of your dad that he was that storyteller at the bar. He was a drummer.
You know. Oh, he was? No, I didn't know that.
Yeah, there you go, Bill. Oh, okay.

Speaker 1 Now you've got him framed. I got it.
And then

Speaker 1 guitars are laying around.

Speaker 1 You didn't do any drummer jokes to your dad, did you? Nope. They always insult us.

Speaker 1 Who's the guy who hangs out with musicians? What do you call a guy? A drummer. He's always that.
You know what my favorite drummer joke was?

Speaker 1 I'm sure you heard this one. How do you know there's a drummer at the door?

Speaker 1 Because the knocking is out of time.

Speaker 1 The knocking speeds up. Speeds up, right.

Speaker 1 Or the difference between the drummer and the pizza? No. So the pizza can feed a family of five.

Speaker 1 Oh, God.

Speaker 1 Jesus Christ, those are fucking brutal. They're hilarious.
Banjo jokes, too. All right.

Speaker 1 You know.

Speaker 1 The difference between a trampoline and a banjo is that you take your shoes off before you jump on a trampoline.

Speaker 1 And then the definition. Or do you have shoes to take? The definition of perfect pitch is throwing a banjo on a dumpster without hitting the sides.

Speaker 1 Well, that's a good, but it doesn't make me feel better that you had to go from banjo, from drums to banjo.

Speaker 1 All right, my guest, Keith Urban.

Speaker 1 Australian-American. Are you dual citizen? Yeah.
I like the options. I guess I got three.
I got New Zealand as well because I was born there. Yeah.
Oh, so you have options. I've got options.

Speaker 1 You do have options.

Speaker 1 I'm always good to have options. New album, hi.
I'm ride or die with America and L.A. I don't give up.
I'm not going anywhere.

Speaker 1 I'm Nashville through and through. They can download this everywhere.
Hi, H-I-F-H. Yeah.
12 new songs. He's currently on tour in the United States through August 28th, 2025.
Is there a Keithurbin?com.

Speaker 1 I love how you've just gone professional right now. Yeah, no, hey, man.

Speaker 1 Posture changed everything. Well, I know you didn't come here just to talk to me.
You got business. I actually did.
I come to find out about you. Oh, you did? Yeah.
Yeah, you asked a lot of questions.

Speaker 1 Yeah. I learned.
Okay. Well, I hope you're not.
I like how you're wired. I like how you wire it.
A lot of people do. So I'm interested in that.
And how you sit with that wiring.

Speaker 1 Is it helpful, not helpful? It's great for everybody else to be entertained by it, but you've got to live with it. Oh, yeah.
So I was wondering how that's going.

Speaker 1 Well, I immediately went like this, and I started tapping my hand. So, yeah, that's how I deal with it.

Speaker 1 I've gotten really good at apologizing. Really?

Speaker 1 and meaning it I've had enough no and meaning it but I've had a lot enough

Speaker 1 practice like I don't have those

Speaker 1 two three-day fights stupid fucking things with my wife anymore or anybody else for that matter I just I don't do I just squash shit yeah it's like it's stupid I'm sure I did something

Speaker 1 you did something too who gives a fuck right you know I said this to somebody the other day I just squashed some shit And he's like, you know, I don't know if we had like a problem or whatever.

Speaker 1 He said, yeah, we did this and that happened, whatever. I go, I don't give a fuck.
And he goes, really? I go, yeah, I go, dude, I'm too old to hate people.

Speaker 1 It's like, I don't have enough battery life every day. Not enough time.
I just don't. No, it doesn't really matter.

Speaker 1 I can't be walking around,

Speaker 1 especially knowing how fucked up I am.

Speaker 1 I always think like, okay, I probably contributed,

Speaker 1 you know, at least 40%. And that's me giving myself a break.
Easily. Yeah, that I'm not.

Speaker 1 That's what they say about resentment. Resentment is like lighting yourself on fire and hoping the other guy dies of smoke inhalation.

Speaker 1 Jesus.

Speaker 1 And on that note. Where was that 20 years ago? All right, Keith Irving, everybody.
Get out there, see him live.

Speaker 1 Thank you so much for watching the podcast. Have a great weekend, your cunts, and I'll see you on Monday.

Speaker 3 Hey, what's going on? It's Bill Burr, and it's time for the Monday morning podcast for Monday, October 17th, 2016. What's going on? How are you?

Speaker 1 Oh, how are you? Oh, look at you.

Speaker 3 I am in Washington, D.C.,

Speaker 3 and

Speaker 3 I am doing.

Speaker 3 I got three more shows here before I fly to Nashville. And then I take my next special.

Speaker 3 And

Speaker 3 I think I'm ready to go. Saturday night, I was ready to kill myself

Speaker 3 after the show I did because I was just, even though the show went great, people had a good time, I was just in my head the whole time going, and then I'm going to do this joke, and then I will do this one, and then that will flow into this one.

Speaker 3 I was in fucking, I was fighting like I just was in my head, and

Speaker 3 last night I was just like, you know what, fuck it, just go up and whatever joke feels like it wants to come out, do it that way. That's the way you always do it.

Speaker 3 Just do it that way, all right? How many fucking times do you have to learn this goddamn lesson?

Speaker 3 All right, you're not the person that writes it all out and just stands up there with one hand in his pocket and the other one, you know, fucking making gestures.

Speaker 3 It's not who I am. I'm a fucking,

Speaker 3 I don't know. I gotta walk around.

Speaker 1 I gotta get out there and walk around.

Speaker 3 So I hope that isn't too loud. I'm turn this down a little bit.
Turn down the levels. I didn't bring any of my recording shit because I'm so fucking psycho-focused for this thing right now.

Speaker 3 So,

Speaker 1 I don't know.

Speaker 3 You know what's weird?

Speaker 3 Is I'm going to do this special right before the biggest fucking election of my lifetime, considering these are the two worst goddamn candidates, and I'm really trying to see a light at the end of the fucking tunnel here.

Speaker 3 But what's weird is, you know,

Speaker 3 by the time my shit comes out, the election's going to be over. And you know how it is? When the election's over, whoever lost within three days, I mean,

Speaker 3 it's like boy band fame. You're just gone.
Like, remember, remember how quickly Al Gore disappeared?

Speaker 3 He just fucking disappeared, and then, like, you know, months later, he had like this mountain man beard. Like, whatever, whatever fucking happened to that guy.

Speaker 3 You know,

Speaker 3 I'll tell you what else was fucked up. You know what? They were bitching about Hillary, and they were saying, like, why is the media so silent?

Speaker 3 Because Al Gore got accused of sexual assault. Why aren't they saying anything? And it's just like, I love how if you just get fucking accused of it.

Speaker 3 You know, there's all this shit on the side they protect women where it's like, don't give up their identities and all of that, which I completely agree with.

Speaker 1 And I fucking hate Al Gore, but he was just a anybody can just say, yeah, this guy did this shit to me.

Speaker 3 And then all of a sudden, it's all over

Speaker 3 the media. And

Speaker 3 I don't know, I saw something recently. The fuck story was it? Oh, there's a movie coming out.

Speaker 3 That beast of a nation,

Speaker 3 and the guy who directed it got accused and got acquitted of rape.

Speaker 3 And everybody's going, like, you know,

Speaker 3 well,

Speaker 3 what's the deal? It's like, well, he went on trial and they said he was innocent.

Speaker 3 You know what I mean? But people, that will follow that person

Speaker 3 for the rest of their life. So, my thing is, if you get accused of that shit in the public, you're never innocent.
So,

Speaker 3 that guy got accused. He got acquitted.

Speaker 3 They said he was innocent of the crime. You know?

Speaker 3 But because everybody knows his fucking name, you know, 20 goddamn years later, it's still coming up and tainting

Speaker 3 whatever he's doing in his life. So then it becomes, well, I hope he fucking did it because he's getting treated as though he did.

Speaker 3 Does that make any fucking sense whatsoever? You know what I mean?

Speaker 1 And that'll be something.

Speaker 3 Well, you know, actually, it doesn't mean that he was innocent. It just means that there wasn't enough evidence to convict.

Speaker 3 Which is yet another thing.

Speaker 1 But I got to tell you, like,

Speaker 3 the one I will say, and I know he's just been accused, is fucking Donald Trump, right? When a bunch of broads came out and said, oh, he did this, he did that, yada, yada, yada.

Speaker 3 The Clintons are so fucking filthy. I mean,

Speaker 3 I'm just like, well, who knows if this is fucking true, right? Like, this is just coming out now. This guy's been fucking running for office for over a year and a half, and it's just coming out now.

Speaker 3 So I took it all with a grain of salt because politics are fucking filthy, and no one's more filthy than the fucking Clintons,

Speaker 1 right?

Speaker 3 But one woman finally comes on. I was riding with the lovely Nia, and we're in the car, and she goes to tell her story.

Speaker 3 And rather than being the usual generic, and then he did this, and he did that, and I felt uncomfortable. And people are like, What the fuck?

Speaker 3 She goes,

Speaker 3 whatever. She's, this poor woman's like in her 20s, and then this fucking old creep is coming at her with his orange fucking hair, right? Which I guess that's kind of self-hatred there.

Speaker 3 But I mean, at least mine's real.

Speaker 3 And when he makes a move on her, she pushes him away and she goes, I said, get real.

Speaker 3 And then she goes,

Speaker 3 he then pushed his genitals in, like, toward, thrusted his genitals towards me and went, get real.

Speaker 3 And me and Neil are like, oh, my God, that definitely happened.

Speaker 3 That's just too fucking specific. So I'm being a little hypocritical here because the person wasn't put on trial.

Speaker 3 But anyways, this is what the fuck I wanted to talk about.

Speaker 3 I got to do my special this week. And you know something? I don't give a fuck because people are always like, well, the stand-up special, it should be timeless.
It should be timeless.

Speaker 1 It's like, let me ask you this.

Speaker 3 I mean, and I'm not putting myself, obviously, in the same category.

Speaker 1 Do you give a fuck,

Speaker 3 you know, if you listen to an old Kinnison thing and he's talking about, you know,

Speaker 3 who are those fucking idiots trying to put like warning labels on albums? You know, does it matter that it did? Or like you listen to

Speaker 3 Richard Pryor and he's talking about Muhammad Ali and shit. Like, I don't mind that it dates itself.
Fuck it.

Speaker 3 Because I know what it felt like Saturday night when I was just like, do not talk about that shit.

Speaker 3 By the time this special comes out, that stuff will already be gone. I don't give a fuck.
I'm going to talk about it. And if it seems dated when we're editing, that's what the fuck I'll do.

Speaker 3 I hope this isn't boring to you to take you through the minutia

Speaker 3 of doing a stand-up special. But, anyways, I'm having a great time here in

Speaker 3 D.C. I went over to Georgetown yesterday.
I just sort of walked the city a little bit with Joe Bartnick, which was awesome because this is one of the most confusing fucking cities

Speaker 3 as far as like,

Speaker 3 you know, trying to figure out basically where you're at. Like, there were three areas of this city that I was familiar with, but I didn't know how they connected.
There was the DC Improv.

Speaker 3 There was the W Hotel near the White House, where I've stayed a number of times.

Speaker 3 And now there's like the National Theater and where I'm staying this time.

Speaker 3 And

Speaker 3 the thing about DC is it's all like, you know, the address is like, you know, whatever, 659

Speaker 3 Pennsylvania Avenue. But then it's like southwest, northwest, fucking east, or whatever.
And that's just like, how the fuck do I?

Speaker 3 I mean, you need like a goddamn compass, just the way this whole thing is laid out.

Speaker 3 So

Speaker 3 yesterday I actually did a fucking walk and I kind of walked to all three of those places. And like, I didn't realize I'm at the National Theater.

Speaker 3 I'm like, I wonder where the W in the White House is compared to that. And I was like, fucking two blocks over.
And then like another two blocks and about six blocks up was the improv.

Speaker 3 So I feel like I have that little corridor all

Speaker 3 memorized. And I finally flew into fucking Reagan Airport,

Speaker 3 you know, rather rather than flying out to fucking Dulles, which is like 30 miles, I think, west of the city or some shit like that, north. I don't know where the fuck it is.

Speaker 3 So I land and I check a bag, which I never do. I never fucking check a bag.
Like when I went to Europe just for like a month touring and took a quick vacation,

Speaker 3 I had a little fucking overhead compartment bag. And you know something? It was fine.
Oh, hang on a second. My breakfast is here.

Speaker 3 All right, I'm back um

Speaker 3 fucking guy was hilarious guy delivering the food

Speaker 3 I was like hey what's up and he was just like he's like hey where were you when we put it

Speaker 3 uh over there on the table be fine okay enjoy your breakfast real weird voice um

Speaker 1 anyways

Speaker 3 had a terrorist beard too you know

Speaker 3 Pre-9-11, I would call it an Abe Lincoln beard

Speaker 3 You know, he just got the beard and no mustache. That was the Abe Lincoln.

Speaker 3 The fucking chin strap. But the terrorist beard is the fucking

Speaker 3 no mustache, chin strap, but then it's sort of frizzed out. You know?

Speaker 3 That's a terrorist beard, unless you're black. If you're black, that just means you're from Philadelphia.
Okay, plowing ahead here.

Speaker 3 The hell was I talking about?

Speaker 3 Oh, who gives a shit? Was it even that important?

Speaker 3 Probably not.

Speaker 3 Anyways, I had a great week. Before I came out here, I had a really cool experience.

Speaker 3 Do you guys remember

Speaker 3 a couple years ago? I was raving about that Jon Favreau movie,

Speaker 3 Chef.

Speaker 3 If you haven't seen the movie, it's phenomenal. It's just such a great, great movie.

Speaker 3 And just don't be hungry when you watch it because you will consume like 12,000 calories after watching it because some of of the food, basically, all of the food that they make looks unbelievable.

Speaker 3 So, long story short, you know, like whenever they have like end credit stuff on like a movie,

Speaker 3 you know, it's usually like outtakes or something from the actors screwing up or whatever.

Speaker 1 Um,

Speaker 3 John had to learn how to basically, I guess, you know, they had to

Speaker 3 take cooking classes and stuff, so he looked like he was an actual chef, so the movie's character would ring true, you know, all that actory

Speaker 3 stuff. So there was a guy showing him how to make a grilled cheese sandwich, this guy, Chef Roy Choi, who had the Koji truck, started the whole food truck movement out here in L.A.
and everything. And

Speaker 3 he was showing him how to do it and

Speaker 3 John just decided to film it

Speaker 3 when he was making this cheeseburger. And it was like so fucking intense.

Speaker 3 When the guy was like all crouched down looking at it and he was moving the grilled cheese grilled cheese sandwich. You're just thinking like this is something like a fucking 12-year-old could make.

Speaker 3 But watching this guy do it and the level of intensity, the game seven fucking intensity that this guy had when he made it,

Speaker 3 I was just like, what? It like blew me away.

Speaker 3 It was like, I've never been that into fucking cooking something ever.

Speaker 3 You know, I'd never seen it, right? So, long story short,

Speaker 3 I don't know if I'm supposed to say this or anything. Oh, what? Who gives a shit? This would be like a teaser, but

Speaker 3 Favreau's been like filming some stuff

Speaker 3 of him cooking with this chef. And

Speaker 3 I ran into him out here and he said, hey, that guy, you know, who made the cheeseburger, I mean, the grilled cheese sandwich is going to be out there. You want to come out and watch him make it?

Speaker 3 And I was like, yeah, fucking absolutely. I would love to.
So I was hanging off set and I got to watch them make it and everything. And

Speaker 3 they pulled me in, let me fucking make the grilled cheese sandwich with them. It was one of the coolest, most surreal things I've done in this business.
And

Speaker 3 the fucking grilled cheese sandwich was so good.

Speaker 3 Like an idiot, I'm out here on the road and they had a grilled cheese sandwich on the room service of a fucking hotel and I order it like it's going to be as good. And it wasn't.

Speaker 3 Tazar, I learned that fucking lesson. But I want to thank him and

Speaker 3 Chef Roy for letting me hang out. I had such a fucking great time.

Speaker 3 I learned so much shit about cooking and what was funny was he never

Speaker 3 he never went like, oh, this is how you do this.

Speaker 3 He just kind of went in there and did it. And what amazed me

Speaker 3 was afterwards when I was thinking about all the stuff that I saw him do, like

Speaker 3 just how he would just like move the grilled cheese sandwich around, how he would, you know, fuck with the temperature. I mean, I was like a fucking, I'm a robot when I cook.

Speaker 3 I'm literally like, you know, whatever, quarter tablespoon of salt. And I like take out it out and I measure it and flick the top.

Speaker 3 Like these guys, none of them, they don't use any sort of measuring whatsoever. They're constantly tasting the shit and

Speaker 3 then adjusting their temperature. Whatever my temperature is at, that's what the fuck we're cooking at.
Which makes no sense

Speaker 3 when you really think about it. But I was just like, it's like being completely locked in on your rack as opposed to just out there kind of flowing with it.
And

Speaker 3 what is funny, so they would teach me, no, you got to taste it as you're going, you know.

Speaker 3 So I was doing that, and John mentioned, he goes, yeah, when you cook like this, it tastes great, but by the time you're done, he goes, you don't want to eat it because you've tried it so many times, you're actually kind of full a little bit.

Speaker 3 And

Speaker 3 that was kind of the deal with everything except for the grilled cheese sandwich.

Speaker 3 Made a Cuban sandwich. It was crazy.
The whole thing was crazy.

Speaker 3 So that happened. And I'm recording this shit on the GarageBand.
And as always, I have no idea how much time time has gone by. I should have just looked at the clock up top, but I didn't.

Speaker 3 But this is the new me. This is the new calmer me who refuses to let technology piss him off.

Speaker 3 Do you know, I spent an hour and a half the opening night, the Bruins,

Speaker 3 their opening night,

Speaker 3 their first fucking game. Who the fuck did they play? They played Toronto Saturday.

Speaker 1 I don't even remember.

Speaker 3 But since like 2007, 2008, I have been, you know, I've had the center ice package and I've had an account online and I'm able to just sign in and watch the fucking games.

Speaker 3 Lo and behold, this year I can't.

Speaker 3 So I don't flip out. I call up.
I spent an hour and a fucking half talking to people from Malaysia.

Speaker 3 Okay?

Speaker 3 Because I finally got one woman to tell me where she was at. Because this first guy was going like, you know, he's just talking to me.
And I'm like, yeah, I want to watch a hockey. He's like, hockey?

Speaker 3 I'm like, yes, hockey. He goes, just

Speaker 3 like ice hockey? I'm like, yeah, Bruins, original six 2011 Stanley Cup champions. And I was like, don't flip out.

Speaker 3 And then finally, I was on the phone with this guy for like 45 minutes. He couldn't figure out what the fucking problem was.

Speaker 3 And I got a little heated. I was just like, dude, you know, I'm not trying to be a jerk, but there's a little bit of the language barrier here.
And you didn't know what hockey was to start with.

Speaker 3 I should have considered that as an omen.

Speaker 3 We're 45 minutes in. If we haven't figured it out yet,

Speaker 3 this isn't working out. Okay? Have a nice evening.
And he said, okay, I'm sorry. And then I felt bad, and then I just fucking hung up.

Speaker 3 And then I call back, and then I got another person, and she's going like hockey, like ice hockey, right? Same fucking thing. And I was saying, well, this is the problem I'm having.

Speaker 3 It's like I'm literally trying to watch something that the person on the other side of the phone doesn't know what it is, and they're on the other side of the world.

Speaker 1 I go, like, where are you right now?

Speaker 3 And she goes, Asia. I go, you're in Asia? And she goes, yes.
She goes, I hope that's not going to be a problem, which

Speaker 3 made me feel like a Trump supporter. I was like, no, it's not a problem, but you know what I mean.
I go, you know, if you were trying to watch cricket, you had to call me up.

Speaker 3 I'm like, cricket, like the insect or the sport? Wouldn't you get frustrated? So long story short, I spent an hour and a half.

Speaker 3 I spent like half the fucking game on the phone and they still couldn't figure it out.

Speaker 3 And I just said, you know what, to hell with it. And I felt my wife watching me.

Speaker 3 You know, she kept coming in, and then she was trying to get upset for me, you know, because she didn't want to see the time bomb go off. And I actually held it together.

Speaker 3 And I didn't get to see one second of the game.

Speaker 3 And I guess they have some new thing this year. You can no longer stream it.
You have to pay for both now.

Speaker 3 I don't know. They got ATT bought them, so now you have to pay for both.
Because that's how corporations work.

Speaker 1 To make like a zillion dollars,

Speaker 1 they now have to make like fucking

Speaker 1 they gotta make you know two zillion dollars. It's just like, why can't you consciously be happy

Speaker 1 with the 70-foot yacht? Why do you always have to be good for a 90-foot yacht? It's fucking unbelievable, man.

Speaker 1 It's just uh

Speaker 1 I don't know.

Speaker 3 You know, I was listening to fucking. I'm gonna stop moving this computer because I know that gets really loud when I do it.
Sorry.

Speaker 3 I was listening to NPR, right? Well, my wife was listening to it, and I was tolerating it. I like some of the fucking music, but just like their politics, it's just,

Speaker 3 it's so childlike to just be sitting there leaning all the way to one fucking side. It's just like, really? Nobody with a blue tie does anything wrong.

Speaker 3 Everybody with a red tie is an asshole.

Speaker 3 It's like fucking political racism in a way.

Speaker 3 But everybody thinks that they're a fucking saint. You know? One of the dumbest things ever in those Trump rallies, like, somebody had a sign or a t-shirt that says, fuck your feelings.

Speaker 3 I love how people on the right just think they're so fucking hardcore and like,

Speaker 3 you know, people can't handle the truth. You know what I mean? You know what they're like? People on the right that are like that? They're like those, you know, like...

Speaker 3 You ever meet some chick and she'll just say some shit like, you know, guys are intimidated by me. You know,

Speaker 3 they can't handle me, you know, and then you know, joke I used to do with my actors, like, yeah, you ever think baby you're just a cunt, you know?

Speaker 3 I mean, that's, I'm not saying you are, but that's definitely a possibility.

Speaker 3 You know, that could be behind door number three, and that could be the fucking answer.

Speaker 3 You know, you self-involved shithead. I just, I don't know.

Speaker 3 And then, like, people on the left, I remember one time I was doing it, I was doing a, I had a small part in a movie, and we were shooting in New Orleans, and at our hotel like this big Republican convention was coming so they had this big banner it was all in red so one of the producers on on the uh

Speaker 3 on the movie was just she was just like oh my god did you see that banner I was just like Jesus am I in like where am I right now and I just looked at her I was like you know people are allowed to be Republicans

Speaker 3 And she just goes, oh, I know, I'm just being that person.

Speaker 3 They fucking drive drive me up the wall. Well, G Pill, aren't you just the perfect fucking person? I'm a yeah, you know what I am? I'm a fucking conspiracy theorist.

Speaker 3 And once you become that, you know, you lose a lot of friends, you drive people nuts, but you start trying to look behind

Speaker 3 whatever the fuck they're showing you. And like, I don't think it fucking matters which person wins this because

Speaker 3 you know the people on the other side because they making you fucking pay for the the the center ice package on T V and now on cable.

Speaker 3 They got an extra revenue stream, they're selling all your fucking information, and they got all this money. They put money on both horses, so it doesn't fucking matter.

Speaker 3 So I'm listening to NPR with my wife, and they just sort of casually mentioned that scientists said the Great Barrier Reef is now dead.

Speaker 3 And you know what they segued into after that?

Speaker 3 The results of the Dodgers game.

Speaker 3 So um,

Speaker 3 I don't know. I just think, well, we're completely fucked.
And I want to thank whoever created the Great Barrier Reef. I'm sorry we finally wrapped it around a fucking tree.
That's what we're like.

Speaker 3 We're like a bunch of fucking rich kids. And our parents bought us this beautiful fucking car.
And we're just out there doing neutral drops and fucking slamming it into trees.

Speaker 3 And we're going to fuck the whole thing up.

Speaker 3 You know, but unlike rich kids' parents, I don't think mommy's going to get us another car.

Speaker 3 Do you know when I was in fucking high school? There were these two kids, right? These two rich kids.

Speaker 3 One of them got a fucking Pontiac Trans Am

Speaker 3 like a brand new one, the F-body, you know, the one that everybody fucking loved in the 80s, the Knight Rider version. He got the fucking Trans Am.
This kid was like a 16, 17-year-old kid.

Speaker 3 He had a brand new, like, 19, whatever, 85, 86 Trans Am.

Speaker 3 So the other rich kids' parents, they're like competing, but this other kid of fucking 1985 or 1986 Iraq Z.

Speaker 3 I mean, they were pulling up to this school. Their car was worth twice what their teacher's car was worth.
I remember there was this teacher, a

Speaker 3 foreign language teacher, and he had this giant boat from the early 70s. And the fucking

Speaker 3 the door lock was like the door wouldn't close.

Speaker 3 And to this day, there's no excuse for this guy not just getting the fucking door closed, fixed.

Speaker 3 He fucking tied like a quarter-inch rope around like the handle of the door and then like 15 times around his headrest. And he'd have to get out the fucking passenger's side.

Speaker 3 And one of the great things about getting old is you stop giving a fuck about what people think about you. But for the most part, that's a great thing.
But in that instance, that was not a good thing.

Speaker 3 That was not a good thing for people to see because being a teacher is a tremendous,

Speaker 3 the tremendous profession. But

Speaker 3 you can't show up in a piss yellow fucking

Speaker 3 boat that you got the fucking door tied to the headrest. I mean, as much as you love something, you want to be able to support a fucking family.

Speaker 3 I always thought looking at that, looking back years later, that there might have been a half a dozen people that were considering being a teacher, myself one of them.

Speaker 3 And once you saw that, you're like, yeah, you know what? I don't think I want to do that.

Speaker 3 I don't want to walk around with a dirty sport coat, having to get out the passenger side of my fucking car because I can't even afford to get the goddamn door lock fixed.

Speaker 3 He drove like three of the four years I was in high school. This guy would pull up in that fucking car.

Speaker 3 So anyways, these two kids got these cars. And

Speaker 3 so of course they're driving around like maniacs. Of course everybody's drinking and driving.
This was the 80s.

Speaker 3 This was like, this is, you know, this was some sort of, I don't know, it was an activity that was done.

Speaker 3 You went out, you found someone of age to buy you a case of beer, and then you just drove around town. There was nothing to do.

Speaker 3 You drove around town and tried to run into other kids you went to high school with, and they would be driving around, you know, with the 12-pack in their car, and then you'd be like, Where are you going?

Speaker 3 Then you'd find some dead-end street, and you'd all go down there, and then the cops would come down and break it up, and then you'd drive around, everybody would gather someplace else. It was weird.

Speaker 3 There was no cell phones, and somehow everybody figured out where the hell everyone was going.

Speaker 3 So, long story short, the kid who had the trans am ended up fucking,

Speaker 3 you know, going too fast, pushed it past the limit, and

Speaker 3 went flying into a bunch of trees. Fortunately, there were smaller trees, so the trees lost the battle, but he totaled his fucking car.
That was right as we were graduating.

Speaker 3 So, you know what his parents did?

Speaker 3 To teach him a lesson, they went out and they bought him a Corvette.

Speaker 3 So, here's the thing, now he's got the Corvette. He fucked up.
He totaled his car.

Speaker 3 They went out and not only bought him a brand new car, they bought him an even better car. He had a Corvette.

Speaker 3 So now the other kid who didn't fuck up his car is now looking at his IROC like it's a piece of shit.

Speaker 3 So within three months, he then had a Corvette. And beyond, you know, so he could one-up the other kid,

Speaker 3 he had a custom interior. He had like all this wood put on the inside of it because the 80s Corvettes, the interior was unbelievably plain.

Speaker 3 And

Speaker 3 that was the last I ever saw of either one of them, because then I graduated, Except for the kid who got the custom Corvette. I ran into a bar, ran into him in a bar

Speaker 3 about two years ago.

Speaker 3 And

Speaker 3 he was hammered and proceeded to say some of the most racist shit I've ever heard in my life. And I just sort of slowly backed away, like, all right, buddy.

Speaker 4 See you in another 30 years.

Speaker 3 Anyways, let's read some advertising here at this point. Let me see if I can find where the fuck I'm at.
Oh, I'm an idiot. I didn't put the fucking advertising out.

Speaker 3 Now you have to listen to all these clickings. I apologize.
Sorry.

Speaker 3 Sorry. One last click.

Speaker 3 And they're all the floor affordable. This is really starting to feel like a cult.
Reminds me of the time I almost accidentally joined fucking Scientology.

Speaker 3 Right now is your chance. I didn't almost join it.
I just didn't realize what it was. You know? I thought it was an acting class.
It was an acting class, but it was run by Scientology.

Speaker 3 And they were all like, we have our own parking. We have our own security.
I literally said, and I go, Jesus Christ, I feel like I'm joining a cult.

Speaker 3 And the guy's eyes did something weird, and he was trying to figure out if I was being a wise ass or if I was fucking around.

Speaker 3 And then, once I figured out what it was, I blew him off, and then they kept calling me. And I finally fucking picked up, and they was like, Did we lose you?

Speaker 1 It's like, Yeah, yeah, you did.

Speaker 3 Did I ever tell you guys a Scientology story?

Speaker 3 I'll read the other advertising later. This is more interesting.

Speaker 1 All right,

Speaker 3 so

Speaker 3 this is like fucking, I don't know how many years ago. This is

Speaker 3 Bill Clinton was still in office, I think, when this happened.

Speaker 3 And

Speaker 3 basically, I need to take an acting class. I'm living in Las Jangales.

Speaker 3 And I needed to take an acting class, right? So,

Speaker 3 you know, whatever. So, somebody suggested this fucking place, and I went over there.

Speaker 3 I think it was the Beverly Hills Playhouse was the name of this fucking place. And I went over there and I

Speaker 3 show up for the acting class. And the teacher goes, This is so fucking weird.
He just goes, okay, this big class was packed.

Speaker 3 And it was a well-known actor, too. So I was like, wow, man, this is going to be a fucking great class.
And it was a great class, other than the fucking creepy vibe.

Speaker 3 So to start the class, the guy goes, Okay, does anybody have any news they want to share with the class?

Speaker 1 Hmm.

Speaker 3 All right, so people raised their hands, and basically, it was actors talking about what they booked that week.

Speaker 3 And,

Speaker 3 you know, there's a thing, I guess, you know, amongst actors as you're starting out, you get envious and you get jealous. So, I guess this was a reaction to this.

Speaker 3 What this was, this whole exercise was about. People put their hands up.
This is like, you know, fucking the mid-90s or some shit. And someone would be like, Yeah, I just booked

Speaker 3 a guest star on

Speaker 3 on Friends.

Speaker 3 And then the whole class, like ridiculously loud and for a ridiculous amount of time, would just go, whoa,

Speaker 3 whoa, like clapping and screaming like somebody just cured cancer.

Speaker 3 And then it all died down. I was just like, what the fuck was that? And then somebody else goes, oh, yeah, hey, I just, you know, I just booked a reoccurring on Union Square.
Woo! It'd be crazy.

Speaker 3 So then once that shit dies down, I was immediately like, hey man, I knew LA was a little different, but what the fuck is this? They go, hey, we got a couple of new students here auditing the class.

Speaker 3 He just moved here from New York City. Please welcome Bill Burr.
And

Speaker 3 they clapped and cheered

Speaker 3 just as loud. As they did for the other people that book like friends.
But here's the thing when they were cheering, no one was looking at anyone.

Speaker 3 They were just sort of staring straight ahead, clapping and screaming as loud as you possibly could. And I remember my face turned red.
Like, I got embarrassed, like, what the fuck?

Speaker 3 And then that's when I,

Speaker 3 you know, after the class,

Speaker 3 we took the first break and

Speaker 3 the actor teaching the class. And the actors were great, you know.
Other than the weird vibe, right? So I fucking go up there and the guy goes, how you doing? And I looked at him.

Speaker 3 I was like, doing good. And because he's a great actor, he he totally read me he goes uh he goes the beginning of the class was um

Speaker 3 was that a little bit too much i was like uh yeah it might have been

Speaker 1 so

Speaker 3 i go on the back you know now they're going to try to get the money out of me like every acting class does this is nothing against scientology so that's when i sat down and that's when the guy was just like you know we're very um self-sufficient we have our own security we have our own parking everything was their own and that's when i said i said jesus christ you know i just had to break the tension it was so fucking weird weird.

Speaker 3 So, I just made this joke.

Speaker 3 Jesus Christ, I feel like I've joined in a cult. It was me and this other kid sitting there.
I don't know what the fuck ever happened to him.

Speaker 3 I don't know if he's clear yet or he fucking moved back to Iowa. I have no idea what.

Speaker 1 But

Speaker 3 the guy made like this weird face when I said it, and um,

Speaker 3 so I left, and I was like, Wow, that was fucking weird, but it was still like it was a good class, though, you know.

Speaker 3 And uh, and I really liked acting class and that type of shit. And so, I was still kind of on the fence.

Speaker 3 And I ended up running into somebody

Speaker 3 later on that night, I think at the Laugh Factory. And I mentioned, and the person was like,

Speaker 3 where was the class? And I said, it was at Beverly Hills Playhouse. And he just goes, Bill, that's Scientology.
He goes, get the fuck out of here. It's an acting class.

Speaker 3 They said, no, but it's, yeah, they're trying to recruit you into that religion.

Speaker 3 So I got all fucking weirded out.

Speaker 3 And,

Speaker 3 you know, they just kept calling, leaving messages on my fucking answer machine. And then that's, you know, finally, they called again, and I've been ducking them for like three days.

Speaker 3 And after three days, I was just like,

Speaker 3 you know, I thought they were watching me and shit. I got all fucking paranoid.
Not saying they were, but I just, you know, you know, I mean, I'm a fucking conspiracy theorist.

Speaker 3 Last thing I need is an actual cult fucking hounding me. That was not good for my psyche.
So finally, after three days, they called again.

Speaker 3 And that's just, I was like, what am I? I'm a fucking bitch. I can't just call these people up and say, go fuck yourself.
So I just picked up the phone. I'm like, hello.
And they'll like, hey,

Speaker 3 Beverly Hills Playhouse. I go, yeah, man, I'm all set.
And the guy's like, oh, did we lose you? I was like, yeah, you did.

Speaker 1 All right.

Speaker 3 Don't call me anymore. He goes, okay, fine.
And then that was it. They left me alone.
But that was, I think it was because it was early on.

Speaker 3 You know? So I didn't have to deal with Donald Sutherland, like when I walked out to my car later on that night, just pointing at me, like an invasion of the body snatches.

Speaker 3 You know, not to say that Scientology is any more or less fucked up than my religion, you know?

Speaker 3 I've always maintained that if the Inquisition was filmed, like,

Speaker 3 my religion wouldn't exist anymore. That's what happened with the Nazis.
They filmed this shit, so no one's ever going to forget it.

Speaker 3 The shit that my religion did was never filmed, so it's just like stick figures and drawings, and no one cares. You know what I mean?

Speaker 3 But to actually have the actual footage of like, oh, yes, not only did it really happen, this is what it looked like.

Speaker 3 It's a fucking rap.

Speaker 3 What am I talking about? All right, let's get back to fucking the subjects here I wanted to talk about instead of Scientology and Holocaust footage.

Speaker 3 What do we got here? What do we got here? Oh, you know what? I didn't even mention last, I didn't even mention, I didn't even congratulate the fucking Cleveland Indians for sweeping the Red Sox.

Speaker 3 And,

Speaker 3 you know, I'm wondering if I always pick on Dan Shaughnessy, which, you know, to be fair isn't fair, but for for me to just single him out is kind of funny. So I'm going to continue just trashing him.

Speaker 3 The fucking...

Speaker 3 I wonder if did Dan Shaughnessy or any of those other guys who demanded the Red Sox make a change after we had that fucking collapse in 2012? Was it 2012? We had the collapse in September?

Speaker 3 Or whatever the fuck it was. I can't remember what the hell it was.

Speaker 3 All I remember was however we got rid of Terry Francona was we had basically, you know, we didn't win the World Series, we didn't win the playoffs for how many years in a row, and then everybody demands a fucking change.

Speaker 3 Like this guy who won two World Series with us, oh, by the way, we hadn't won in 86 years, suddenly does not know how to win a fucking championship anymore.

Speaker 3 So we fucking, you know, the sports writers demand a trade, the ownership fucking gives into it or whatever.

Speaker 3 I mean, I'm not saying they actually literally listen to these guys, but like, I just would love these sports writers that demanded the Red Sox make a fucking move, you know, at least acknowledge the fact, oh, there's Terry Francona all these years later coming back and sweeping our ass,

Speaker 1 you know,

Speaker 3 the first round of the playoffs. Theo Epstein's running the Cubs right now.

Speaker 1 I don't know.

Speaker 3 These are all like former Red Sox. They all knew what the fuck they were doing.

Speaker 3 Why did we get rid of all of these guys? Theo Epstein is a fucking genius. This guy's going to break the, he already broke the curse of the babe.
He helped do that.

Speaker 3 Now he's going to break the curse of the goat.

Speaker 3 Right? Automatic Hall of Fame. John Lester's pitching for him.

Speaker 3 It's like this whole postseason is just littered with former fucking Red Sox. But you know what? What do I care? We won three.

Speaker 3 Who gives a fuck? We won three this decade. Am I actually going to complain about that?

Speaker 1 Oh, I think I am.

Speaker 3 No, not really. I don't give a fuck.

Speaker 3 You know what it is?

Speaker 3 I think it's safe to say

Speaker 3 I want to see a Cubs Indians World Series. I mean, I like the Dodgers.

Speaker 3 Blue Jays, I don't mind.

Speaker 3 Although, Getty Lee one time talked shit about

Speaker 3 the Red Sox and their fans, and ever since then, I just hated Toronto Blue Jay fans.

Speaker 3 You know, I blame him, Getty Lee from Rush, the bass player. You know, today's Tom Sawyer's a mean, mean, hmm.

Speaker 3 Yeah, so I would love to see that.

Speaker 3 Both of them. They're already doing like all this.
You know what fucking sucks about being in a drought

Speaker 3 like the Cubs are in? Like the ESPN or all these guys, they just have to fucking sit there and just splice together every fucking horrible thing that happened.

Speaker 3 And they just try to make it, you know, I got so sick of that as a Red Sox fan. So I have

Speaker 3 a lot of empathy for Cubs fans because they don't do it to the Indians. As much as the Indians try to fans try to act like they're long-suffering Indian fans, it's like, dude, you know,

Speaker 3 it's 1948. You've suffered half as fucking long.
All right?

Speaker 3 And then also, nobody was, and I even say this about the Cubs. Nobody chants 1908 at you.

Speaker 3 You know, the way they chanted 1918. I was at a fucking Devil Rays game back when they were the Devil Rays.

Speaker 3 Before those dopes thought that sounded too evil. Fucking clearwater cunts.

Speaker 3 They chanted 1918 at us when

Speaker 3 I went to a game down in Tampa. And they were chanting.
I was just looking at it like I was like, are you fucking serious?

Speaker 3 Yeah, we haven't won in 86 fucking years, but we still got five more than you.

Speaker 3 They chanted that at us. I went to an interleague game at the old Veteran Stadium in Philadelphia, and I'm like, like these guys went over 100 years.

Speaker 3 They went from like 1880 something, almost 100 years to 1980, but they had won one in 1980, so that gave them the fucking right to chant that shit at us.

Speaker 3 I don't know. And then Cub fans, you're always going there during the day.
You're taking your shirts off. It just looks like a big keg party.
And it almost looks like you don't even give a fuck.

Speaker 3 You know what? Fuck it. Let's see the Dodgers and Blue Jays.
No, I don't give a shit. I'm just, I absolutely love playoff baseball.

Speaker 3 I don't know what happens. The second it becomes October and they throw all those extra microphones and you can just hear the ball hitting the mitt.
It just takes this whole other level of like

Speaker 3 the whole mystique of the national pastime just fucking comes to life.

Speaker 3 Like, I don't, for the fucking life life of me, if they wanted to increase their ratings, keep whatever those playoff microphones are

Speaker 3 where you can just fucking hear everything, you can really hear the sound of the crowd and all of that. If you just would, well, maybe we'd get spoiled.

Speaker 3 I don't fucking know. All I know is it sounds completely different, and

Speaker 3 that adds to the whole thing. And I've missed every second, every fucking pitch, because I've been working.
But I take my special on Friday, and then after that,

Speaker 3 I'm

Speaker 3 I'm going to be just,

Speaker 3 I'm going to watch every fucking pitch. Oh, I can't wait.
I can't fucking wait. Oh,

Speaker 3 I'm putting my feet up, but I'm going to keep working out.

Speaker 3 Because I'm down to basically my, I'm a few pounds. I'm going to be a few pounds over, but I'll be fine for the special.

Speaker 3 But I'm going to keep going and get myself into fucking ridiculous shape like I was last year.

Speaker 3 And

Speaker 3 the next thing I'm adding to my gym are those fucking Swedish bars.

Speaker 3 So

Speaker 3 that's my goal. By the time I'm 50, I want to be able to do the human flag.

Speaker 3 I'm already working on a front lever,

Speaker 3 which is really fucking hard, man. Just because it's just muscles you don't use.

Speaker 3 You know, you ever see somebody do a pull-up and then they just go straight out and they look like they're just like parallel with the ground as they hold onto a pull-up bar.

Speaker 3 I've been gradually building up the strength to do that. I can now hang from the bar with my my knees tucked up into my chest.
It's all about balance.

Speaker 3 And you have to put, you actually have to be pretty much behind the bar. So the weight, especially me with my big head, has to be on one side.

Speaker 3 And then gradually you start to extend one leg a little bit until you can hold the whole fucking thing. And

Speaker 3 I don't know. Whatever.
I have to be working towards shit like that or like workouts just become...

Speaker 3 It's like me trying to write down my jokes. It just becomes like this unbelievably tedious thing.
All right, and with that, let's fucking-is there anything else I wanted to say?

Speaker 3 Tennessee, Alabama, poor Tennessee. Jesus Christ, they were fucking rolling there.
And they just ran into a couple of tough opponents. Dude, Alabama looks like fucking world beaters.

Speaker 3 Wisconsin, Ohio State was an amazing game. I watched that one.
Felt bad for Wisconsin, man. They had that fucking game.

Speaker 3 And then Dak Prescott of the Dallas Cowboys. Jesus Christ.
The guy looks like a five-year vet.

Speaker 3 But anyways, I got to tell you this, man. I've gone almost a week without losing my shit, and it feels pretty good.
Like, I got to,

Speaker 3 I don't know, I got to keep doing this type of stuff because

Speaker 3 I don't want to be a rager my whole fucking life. And I know you guys, oh, that's going to affect your comedy.
No, it isn't. Believe me.
I got plenty left in the reserve tank for when I get on stage.

Speaker 3 All right, let's read some of your questions here for this week. All right.

Speaker 1 All right.

Speaker 3 Oh, here's a note from Andrew. Bill, got tons of emails from people who watched and loved last week's Simpsons episode, as well as this guy who suggests you check it out.

Speaker 3 Oh, this guy didn't know I was in the episode.

Speaker 3 He said, hey, Bill, next time you're trying to get your ginger ass in shape for 20 minutes, turn on the newest Simpsons episode and watch it during between your legs during Pilates.

Speaker 3 There are Patriots and Boston references, and I think you'd really like it. I hope to hear you laugh about it in the podcast, not on the podcast.
Yes, sir. I was actually was in that episode.

Speaker 3 I was the guy who said, we won 12 division titles in the last 10 years, fair and square. I was the guy in the

Speaker 3 tunnel.

Speaker 3 And

Speaker 3 I think I did one other. Neither said I did one other one.
I didn't reckon.

Speaker 3 I think I was in the other room by that.

Speaker 3 Alright, Westworld. Not saying I didn't watch and love the episode, but I have like fucking ADD.
I can only sit there for so goddamn long.

Speaker 3 I'm Scatterbrain. Alright, Westworld.
Hey, Billy Bot, I'm fascinated with artificial intelligence.

Speaker 3 You mentioned Westworld in a 60-minute piece last week, and I wanted to share with you this perspective on AI.

Speaker 3 Westworld is the most compelling aspect of AI's advancement.

Speaker 3 Westworld is the most

Speaker 3 I think he meant to go Westworld. He goes, the most compelling aspect of AI's advancement is that when it does, in fact, surpass the human brain in all aspects and

Speaker 3 begins to consider self-preservation, it will happen almost completely overnight as far as the public is concerned. I suggest you watch this short TED Talk by Sam Harris.
I actually watched that.

Speaker 3 We will put up the link.

Speaker 3 He also talks about the political implications on the world stage, i.e., would China launch an attack if they thought we were dangerously close to losing control of our technology? It seems as if,

Speaker 3 see, this is why, you know, I already can't read. This guy writes a sentence.
It seems as if, though,

Speaker 3 you would need all world leaders. As if, though,

Speaker 3 is that grammatically correct?

Speaker 3 Oh, it seems as if, comma, which isn't there, though you would need all world leaders and tech leaders to focus their efforts on controlling the AI instead of advancing it further, period.

Speaker 3 I don't know how to read that sentence.

Speaker 3 This seems unlikely. It'd be like jerking off to just the point before completion for the rest of eternity.
Good luck out there.

Speaker 3 Oh, yeah, all the world leaders would want to try to control it.

Speaker 1 Yeah, no, yeah, it's not going to happen.

Speaker 3 I don't understand why we're doing it.

Speaker 3 And I don't understand why there has to be these constant technological improvements. It's just all based on money.
I mean, what if it just stopped right here?

Speaker 3 Like, how fucking great is your life right now? If you're in a first world country, you're not the person putting together these devices that makes our lives so great in a third world country.

Speaker 3 It's fine.

Speaker 3 We should have just fucking, we're just sitting at the blackjack table. Rather than just taking our winnings and just going back to our room, we're just fucking sitting here.

Speaker 3 And eventually, we're just going to crap out.

Speaker 1 We're going to lose it all.

Speaker 3 I absolutely believe that 100 fucking percent.

Speaker 3 And I think it is just so fucked up, weird, and bizarre that even if you're not a conspiracy theorist, what is the fucking purpose of making robots to this goddamn level? You know what I mean?

Speaker 3 It's just a bunch of fucking weirdos at the top.

Speaker 3 I'm telling you, they want to phase out the rest of us, and they just want a bunch of zombies that will do whatever the fuck they want them to do, and that they can fuck and do whatever the hell they want to them.

Speaker 3 And then eventually they'll just take them over and they'll fucking kill them.

Speaker 3 Or is that like one of the many movies that I've watched about it?

Speaker 3 Anyways, you know, I'm a paranoid psycho, but I think in this instance, I think it's good to be paranoid.

Speaker 1 All right.

Speaker 3 Roommate psycho. Hey there, you freckly bastard.
I've been living with a guy for about six months. We've known each other for about a year.

Speaker 3 Everything has been good between us with no issues, which is weird because I never have a good experience with roommates.

Speaker 3 Well, if you never have a good experience, you've got to start looking at yourself.

Speaker 3 Either who you're picking or maybe you're the asshole. You know? know, maybe you're a cunt.

Speaker 3 All right, anyways, over the weekend, I went out of town to visit family, and while I was away, he got drunk, went into my room, tore up a body pillow on my bed.

Speaker 3 When I got back, he had a guilty look on his face, told me what happened, and then apologized. Needless to say, it was fucking awkward, and all I could say

Speaker 3 was that strange behavior, and tried to break the awkwardness by kind of jokingly asking him not to kill me. Nothing else has been said since regarding the issue.

Speaker 3 What do you think I should do? I want to talk to a psychiatrist to see what he thinks, but I figure you are the next best option. In other words, you're too cheap to get a professional opinion.

Speaker 3 You're going to ask me.

Speaker 3 First things first, I get a lock on my bedroom door.

Speaker 3 Dude, if you're literally concerned for your safety, I would fucking move out.

Speaker 3 That's what I would do.

Speaker 3 I would basically, I would get another fucking place without telling this fucking person. I would move 80% of my shit over there.

Speaker 3 I would then fucking tell him in the presence of one of my friends that I was leaving.

Speaker 3 And, you know, and I would just, you know, pay for the last half of the month and I would get the fuck out of there.

Speaker 3 Dude, if you're honestly, if you're going to go see a psychiatrist and you're worried that this guy's going to do some sort of bodily harm to you, I would get the fuck out of there.

Speaker 3 I don't care how nice an apartment it is. I don't give a shit if your name's on the fucking lease.
I would just leave.

Speaker 3 The fact that he got drunk and went into your room and like violently attacked a body pillow.

Speaker 3 I mean, and you're sitting there going, like, did what when he was he so drunk that he went in there, he saw that giant lump and he thought it was me under the pillows, and that could have been.

Speaker 3 Yeah, fuck that guy. And why do you have to feel awkward around him? Why do you have to break the tension?

Speaker 3 Yeah, you should have been like, dude, that's completely psychotic behavior. I need you to fucking move out.
You say that after you get rid of all the knives.

Speaker 1 Yeah, I would just, yeah, move on.

Speaker 3 The fuck out of there. All right, Russia readies for war?

Speaker 1 War? War?

Speaker 3 Hey, Bill, did you hear Russia called all its foreign dignitaries back to the homeland?

Speaker 3 This isn't uncommon before an attack, but also probably just a scare tactic. If one day someone came on the news and said Russia threatened to bomb the West Coast, what would your state of mind be?

Speaker 3 I would be completely chill. Would you be like, nah, never going to happen? Or would you get in your new green car and hit the road with the lovely Nia and Cleo in tow?

Speaker 1 No.

Speaker 3 No, if Russia attacks us, I want to be the first person to get killed.

Speaker 3 Yeah, I don't want to live through that. I have no desire to live through a fucking world war.
You know what I mean? It's one thing to actually be in the army, you know what I mean?

Speaker 3 And you got a group of pals and shit, but if you're going to be like the fucking, you know,

Speaker 3 just the old farmer in the town wondering which army's coming up the road next. I don't need that shit.
You know?

Speaker 1 Yeah.

Speaker 3 It's like that fucking fat fuck there in North Korea when he said he was going to shoot a missile at Los Angeles. It's like, great, I hope you shoot it right at my house.

Speaker 3 I like the way the world is right now. And whatever.

Speaker 3 I was going to use the word cataclysmic, but I was worried that I wouldn't say it right. Whatever fucking major thing happens, like, I don't want to survive it.

Speaker 3 I want to be the first person to go and, like, you know,

Speaker 3 yeah, just be sitting there with my fucking little

Speaker 3 downloaded music, listening to it, and then it's over. And then, when, like,

Speaker 3 all the rest of this shit happens, yeah, I don't want to fucking live through it.

Speaker 3 Start all over again,

Speaker 3 you know.

Speaker 3 Fucking people getting polio again in the mumps. All right, Cleo eating grass.
Hello, Bill. I owned a dog for 12 years, passed away in 2014.
Sorry to hear that.

Speaker 3 Sometimes when we were out walking, it would dive into the bushes and chew on grass.

Speaker 3 From my observations, it usually usually exhibited this behavior if its deworming shots were long overdue, four-month intervals. Deworming removes irritating flora that has accumulated in the gut.

Speaker 3 As a result of eating contaminated food or other nasty stuff, your dog may have licked off the floor while you're not around.

Speaker 3 A dog that is due for deworming has poor appetite, may vomit food, and sometimes lay down awkwardly due to intestinal cramps. My dog has shown none of those symptoms.

Speaker 3 My theory at the time was: since dogs are not herbivores,

Speaker 3 herbivores, I don't know, ingesting grass was nature's way of getting fibrous roughage into the gut like a broom to sweep out the irritating gut.

Speaker 3 The end result was that after eating grass, my dog would later throw up a chunk of undigested food or take a huge dump and he would be fine for many weeks after that purge.

Speaker 3 Yeah, but my dog eats grass all the fucking time. I hope my explanation was clear enough.
It may not have been proven scientifically, or maybe it has. You could look it up.

Speaker 3 You could look up dog deworming. But I figured since you've complained about it in more than one podcast, and no listeners have written to you about it yet, I could relate my own experiences with

Speaker 3 that behavior in a dog. Nevertheless, the best solution would be to stick to the dog's deworming shots routine.
I think we do that. Congratulations on your new jag.
Thanks for the podcast.

Speaker 3 Yeah, I always thought it was like some sort of

Speaker 3 I thought they ate grass when they were sick.

Speaker 3 But then she was just kind of doing it all the time.

Speaker 3 Who knows? I mean, who knows what the fuck they put in dog food, so yeah. But we always have her up to date on all her stuff.

Speaker 3 Alright, Road Rage. Dear Billiam,

Speaker 3 I have a solution to your Road Rage. Oh, okay, I'm all ears.
It's a tactic I use to keep my cool when I'm behind the wheel. behind the wheel.

Speaker 3 Bear in mind, this tactic only works if the windows are rolled up. Whenever you feel the urge to curse or yell, just pretend pretend to do so, mouthing curse words and whatever else you want to say.

Speaker 3 Alright, I'm already out, dude. That's just fucking weird.
I'm not doing that. I'm not mouthing fuck you, you fucking cunt.

Speaker 3 Shake your fists in the air and pretend to slam the steering wheel. Don't damage that Corinthian leather there.
That's hilarious.

Speaker 3 Whoever upset you by cutting you off will see you losing your shit and fear for their safety, but the joke's on them. You're just faking it.
You may look like a maniac, but it's also a lot of fun.

Speaker 3 Oh, I guess because it's so silly. It takes so much energy and concentration to just pretend to freak out that you quickly cool down and possibly forget what you got mad about in the first place.

Speaker 3 I hope this tip helps and congrats on the new car. There's a lot to be said for straying from the pack, especially when it comes to European sports sedans.
Best regards.

Speaker 3 Yeah, you know what I do when somebody cuts me off now in public? I just go, ah, you know, nice move. You know, I would have done that.
I try to just, I try to find the fucking humor.

Speaker 1 What I was actually thinking of doing was

Speaker 3 having a post-it or something, a checklist in my car before I got in the car.

Speaker 3 And even if it's as simple as just drawing a smiley face,

Speaker 3 you know, don't let the cunts win underneath it. And just...

Speaker 3 I don't know, just gradually driving down the road. The big thing is

Speaker 3 for me, is if I'm late, because I flip out even when I'm not late, but if I'm fucking late, which is my fault, I start driving like an asshole. I'm flipping the fuck out,

Speaker 3 and

Speaker 1 but

Speaker 3 I'm really going to

Speaker 3 work on it. And I've been great for like the last seven days, but like an asshole, you always hear me on the podcast, too.
I go, did you notice? Did you notice, Nia?

Speaker 3 I'm still like a little fucking kid where I need like the attention and the fucking approval. So

Speaker 3 I'm not doing that anymore.

Speaker 3 I'm not gonna do it for her fucking approval. I have to do this,

Speaker 3 you know,

Speaker 3 because it's the right fucking thing to do, rather than trying to get praise for my fucking wife over the whole over the bullshit. But I am, I've decided I'm gonna I'm gonna beat this thing because

Speaker 3 I think I can because I never um

Speaker 3 I don't know, I never I never tried

Speaker 1 to work on it, really.

Speaker 3 You know what I mean?

Speaker 1 Like,

Speaker 3 I worked on getting better as a comedian, that happened. I worked on better at getting drums, that happened.
I worked on getting a pilot's license, that happened. I never worked on my fucking temper.

Speaker 3 I just viewed it as like, well, that's how I'm wired. I don't know what the fuck you want me to do.
All that shit.

Speaker 1 So,

Speaker 3 I would like to be,

Speaker 3 you know.

Speaker 3 I'm just,

Speaker 3 I'm done being that guy

Speaker 3 I'm trying I can hear all you guys laughing like there's no fucking this is like it's just not gonna happen like sometimes I feel like I can beat my temper and then other times I feel like I'm I'm deciding that I'm gonna like I can't dunk a basketball and it's like well I've decided that I'm going to learn how to dunk a basketball it's just one of those things like dude if you have if you can't jump you can't fucking jump

Speaker 3 Sometimes it feels like that. Like literally I'm trying to like, I'm going to learn how to sing.
Dude, you're tone deaf. You can't fucking sing.
You know, there's just certain things.

Speaker 3 You just weren't born with that gift. And sometimes I feel like my temper is like that.
But

Speaker 3 hopefully, that isn't the case. All right, let me read the last couple of advertisements here.

Speaker 3 Oh, what's today's date, by the way? October 17th. Okay, we're getting close.

Speaker 3 I was just thinking, I pre-ordered the new Pretenders album. I think it's coming out soon.

Speaker 3 You know, if none of you guys got Chrissy Hines' last solo album, Stockholm, highly recommend that. I actually listen to the Pretenders album when I have to fucking work out,

Speaker 3 you know,

Speaker 3 some of their early 80s stuff. And I know you're thinking, like, Bill, don't you listen to like your fucking Guns N' Roses 80s shit? Sometimes it's just so fucking early, and I'm so old.

Speaker 3 Like, I need to fucking, I need something a little more, like, just mellow, you know?

Speaker 3 Just to try to fucking

Speaker 3 ease my way into it. And I've found that, you know, those albums have been great for me so all right there we go I think that is the podcast here for this week

Speaker 3 I'm scrolling now through my whole

Speaker 3 iTunes

Speaker 3 I don't understand you know what I can't play any of my fucking music it says too many devices have already been cleared to

Speaker 3 you know

Speaker 3 to listen to iTunes so it doesn't let me listen to it anymore. I can't, you know, and I don't remember the passwords of anything else on any other device.

Speaker 3 I don't know what other devices they're saying. Does it mean, you know, my old laptops that are dead, I got to turn them back on, find the cord, plug them in, and

Speaker 3 do what?

Speaker 3 You know?

Speaker 3 Unlet them listen to fucking iTunes?

Speaker 3 Or does it mean there's too many devices in the house? I have no fucking idea. As As far as I know, it's just my laptop and my phone.
How can that be too many devices? Whatever.

Speaker 3 Alright, here's the album. Alone.
It hasn't come out yet. The Pretender's Alone.

Speaker 3 I know it's coming out in like a week or so. But lately, when I've been like

Speaker 3 lifting,

Speaker 3 I've been listening to the whole Learning to Crawl album. It's actually fucking great for working out.
Who would have thought? I always thought you had to have this really aggressive shit.

Speaker 3 I don't know. I don't know.
I'm all over the fucking place and I can't figure out. You know, I got kicked off of my own fucking Facebook.

Speaker 3 Somebody sent me something for these fucking pictures. I don't know if I got fished or whatever, but now I can't get into my I can't get into my own account.

Speaker 3 And they said the only way I can turn my account back on is if I send them a picture of myself. And I'm just thinking, like, well, how the fuck do you know what I look like?

Speaker 3 So I'm officially done with Facebook.

Speaker 3 You know?

Speaker 3 Like, let's see. Okay, you know what? Let me see if I can go on to Facebook right now.
Let's see if my computer computer will let me my phone won't

Speaker 3 This is just extra time people. This isn't even the podcast anymore.
This is you just you yeah, see I'm done

Speaker 3 Email or phone. I don't even recognize

Speaker 3 I Fucking hate this shit. Now what I gotta do I gotta spend like another 20 hours trying to figure this out.
It's not even worth it to me

Speaker 3 Why do I care if someone fished my fucking account anyways? What are they gonna do with it? You know what I mean?

Speaker 3 Congratulations.

Speaker 3 You have my Facebook account.

Speaker 1 Fuck. See, there you go.
There's a new me. The old me would have flipped out.

Speaker 3 I just don't give a shit anymore.

Speaker 1 You know what? You win.

Speaker 3 You win, Facebook. You win, technology.
You fucking cunts. All right, that's the podcast for this week.
Thank you for listening.

Speaker 3 Thank you to everybody who's been coming out to my shows this week in DC.

Speaker 3 And I'm really looking forward to putting this thing to bed.

Speaker 1 come

Speaker 3 this Friday at the Ryman in Nashville, Tennessee. And then old Freckles is on fucking vacation for the rest of the year.
Cannot wait. All right, go fuck yourselves.

Speaker 3 And I'll check in on you on Thursday.

Speaker 4 What's up, everybody? Welcome back to the Anything Better podcast NFL edition for week number seven. How the hell is everybody doing with your hosts here, Paul Berzey over here, Bill Burr over there?

Speaker 4 We got Jake the Snake from an undisclosed location. And of course, we got the Beverly Hills kid, aka the Greek freak, Andrew Themlis.

Speaker 4 Guys, before we get into the show, we have to shout out our sponsor. It's the Bet MGM app.
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Okay. How does it work?

Speaker 4 You download the app, okay, on your device, and you use our code. That's code BURR.

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You'll get the money back in bonus bets. So it's all good.
Bet responsibly.

Speaker 4 Guys, the Anything Better podcast had a very good week with myself and Bill going three and one, giving the show a total of six and two for the week. Bill, we're right there.

Speaker 4 We're right there at 11 and 13.

Speaker 1 No, no, no, no. We're not going to gloss over what Paul Versey has been doing doing the last three weeks, what he's been doing the last three years.

Speaker 1 Paul, you're September.

Speaker 1 Your September looks like presidential debates over the last couple of elections.

Speaker 1 But dude, you're October.

Speaker 1 You picked nine of the last 12 games.

Speaker 4 Yeah, if I was a pitcher.

Speaker 1 Every year, Paul, people write you off in September. When are they going to learn? I know.
You're like a great fighter, Paul.

Speaker 1 You come out, you're throwing some jabs, you're just feeling them out, or whatever, a little, little this, little that.

Speaker 1 And then September, okay, round three. Round three comes to paint.

Speaker 4 No, you know what it is? If I'm a baseball pitcher, the skipper calls me in the office and he says, we're going to keep you off

Speaker 4 the division series roster. And then he goes, and we'll see you.
We'll see you in the ALCS.

Speaker 1 That's what he says.

Speaker 4 No, but you got to have your blow-up games first.

Speaker 1 We got to get these things done in the dog days of of uh july and and and august um

Speaker 1 i'm outside today it's a long fucking story

Speaker 1 it's all good

Speaker 1 yeah it's all good it's all good so i got my safari hat out here like i'm on the serengeti you know i've noticed about those animal videos they're slowly starting to realize that you're not part of the car that's what of the truck that's what gets them to stop

Speaker 1 you look like a giant fucking you know rhinoceros with wheels like they don't know what to do with you.

Speaker 1 But now they're starting to like, they're starting to realize that you're not part of the car, that they can kind of snatch you out of the car. Once that goes around the Serengeti, Paul.

Speaker 4 Andrew, right after Bill says that, you have to edit in the picture of that lion, the female lion walking next to the van.

Speaker 4 And the guy is sitting up there looking, and the lion's looking at him, and he just turns his head in slow motion and sees her. And she's just looking at him.
It's incredible, dude.

Speaker 4 I'll say, you got to say that.

Speaker 1 It's terrifying. yeah that's unbelievable

Speaker 1 yeah no those they're starting to figure it out bears can open car doors oh my god these these big cats you know dude they talk you know

Speaker 1 they don't like us the out you know i think that that you know something that could bring the entire animal kingdom together to kill a bunch of people that look like me on a safari

Speaker 1 So they could get a win. You think they like living on that little strip of fucking grass? As everybody gets a pool?

Speaker 4 Yeah, dude, those people are out of their minds. Those people that go in those African safaris and they're like, no, we're in jeeps.
They know where the animals are. The animals, no, fuck that, dude.

Speaker 4 Fuck that.

Speaker 4 That's like getting in a cage with a shark, swimming with it.

Speaker 1 And you're sitting there and the fucking, it's a convertible. You're in a fucking convertible.

Speaker 1 Like, how come I don't get a gun too? Like, what happens if somebody takes you up? Now what? Yep.

Speaker 4 Yeah, I agree. Fucking, you gotta, everyone's gotta have a loaded 12-gauge and know how how to use it.

Speaker 1 If I was on that thing with you, I would elbow you and I would pick out somebody that was just fat enough that we could throw over the side

Speaker 1 just to get enough time. Just get enough time to overpower the driver and get the fuck out of there.

Speaker 4 What did you like this week? You had a good week. What did you see?

Speaker 1 Paul, you saw my text last week. I looked at the lines.
I said, I might as well be reading Chinese. I don't see anything, Paul.

Speaker 1 I don't get anything. I don't get like the fucking Saints are plus three at home against the Broncos.
I mean, I know they got their ass kicked last week. I kind of like that one.

Speaker 1 I don't get the Buccaneers. The Buccaneers scored like fucking 100 points the last two weeks.
Yeah. And now they're at home against the Ravens and their underdogs.
That's basically saying

Speaker 1 the Panthers and the Saints are barely in the NFL, which is essentially. what we've been saying about the NFC South, that it is the DMZ.

Speaker 1 Unless Tom Brady's down there with Wonkowski and half the fucking Patriot roster, like nobody knows what's going on down there. No, and I'm starting to think that's how they like it, Paul.

Speaker 4 Yeah, I think

Speaker 1 right there, Paul.

Speaker 1 What are you looking at? We got to talk to Jake the Snake about some of the

Speaker 1 listen. I think people are starting to be who they are.
I believe in the Ravens, Kansas City Chiefs. I mean, you're going up against the commissioner there.

Speaker 1 I would say,

Speaker 1 who else? Who else did I like?

Speaker 1 The Ravens, the Chiefs, chiefs 49ers they're starting to get healthy believe in brock purdy uh the lions i mean those are sort of the top four right there i feel i think the ravens like you said that was the one i think the ravens are really starting to become the team that everybody thought they were going to be at the beginning of the year um

Speaker 1 that's america's team for the afc i feel they're good like everybody wants that we we gave up on the bills I don't know what's, I feel like the Bills are in like, you know, a post-Stefon Diggs kind of thing where this might be a little bit of a hangover year.

Speaker 1 I'm not saying they're done, Paul. All right.
I would never say that to a group of people that have to deal with Lake Effects Snow. You know, I don't think they're done, done.
I like Josh Allen.

Speaker 1 He's still young, still lowering that shoulder, running over people.

Speaker 1 Enjoy that while that lasts, Paul. Right around 28, he's going to start stepping out of bounds.

Speaker 4 Dude, that Josh Allen throw, that Josh Allen throw where Bill Belichick was watching it with the Manning brothers on on the Manning cast. And Belichick's going, don't let him get out of the pocket.

Speaker 4 Don't let him get out. Don't let him get out.
And he gets out and he just throws like on the run. And it's a perfect pass.

Speaker 4 And Belichick just had to look like they almost didn't let him do it, but he did it. And I was like, yeah.

Speaker 4 And dude, Aaron Rodgers and the Jets, who would have thunk it with their defense, they are in a must-win this week. Must-win.

Speaker 1 I mean, they're in a must-win every week. Yeah.
Well, nobody's really running away with the division. So I don't know that's a must-win.
I think it's a just

Speaker 1 to try, dude, that, that, that,

Speaker 1 I mean, I would feel bad for Aaron Rodgers, but it's like, dude, you joined the Jets. I mean, you knew what you were signing up for.

Speaker 1 Like, what are you doing?

Speaker 4 Jake the Snake, how you doing, buddy?

Speaker 1 Good, good.

Speaker 5 What do you guys think of the trades with Devontae Adams going to the Jets and now Mari Cooper on the Bills? Those are two pretty big moves.

Speaker 4 Big move, really big move. Takes the Bills to another level.

Speaker 1 You know, I think.

Speaker 4 And he's good. Amari Cooper is good.
What's the injury report looking like, Jake?

Speaker 5 Well, for the Saints, I think I see why they're plus three because Carr is going to be out again and their top two receivers are going to be out as well. And Olave and Shaheed.
So I think.

Speaker 1 And Andrew was saying they've played like three games in like the last 17 days.

Speaker 5 Yeah, I saw something. Somebody was saying something about that too.
Three games in 10 days, so they're probably going to be pretty tired. Broncos had a bad loss to the Chargers.

Speaker 5 Um, so I think that's a trap game, yeah, exactly.

Speaker 1 I don't like that game at all. Yeah, Broncos absolutely sucking.
The Saints are exhausted, backup quarterbacks, and all of that shit.

Speaker 3 I don't know, and Sean Payton's going back to New Orleans.

Speaker 1 Oh, he is

Speaker 1 when

Speaker 1 with the Broncos. I'm saying he's he's going,

Speaker 1 I thought he thought that he had brought it. I thought you meant that.

Speaker 1 I got I don't know what said that on. I'm the housewife of this show, everybody.

Speaker 4 We messed up last week. We messed up last week because it was going on if we were doing this for the third season.
This is the fourth. So Bill should have went first last week.

Speaker 4 So, Bill, you're going to go first two weeks in a row. You got the floor, buddy.

Speaker 1 All right. I had the buy last week.

Speaker 1 Let's see here. What am I going to do?

Speaker 1 All right. I'm going to go with the 49ers, minus one and a half at home.

Speaker 1 I think Roger Goodell has heard too much chatter out there that the referees are just always for the Chiefs.

Speaker 1 And I think this is a good look for the NFL if they decide to let the 49ers actually win this game, as opposed to letting the Chiefs hold ridiculously on both sides of the line on the final fucking drive.

Speaker 1 I like the 49ers. The 49ers.

Speaker 1 To get a little bit of the credibility back that the NFL is starting to lose. Paul, are you meditating or do you just freeze up there? All right.
No, no, I'm looking. I'm looking.
All right.

Speaker 1 I think they're going to get some of...

Speaker 1 I like the 49ers at home.

Speaker 4 All right. I like that.

Speaker 4 My pick, my first pick this week, I am going to go with

Speaker 4 Aaron Rodgers getting Devontae Adams back. The reunion they had

Speaker 4 in Green Bay is back, and I think the two, the line two is, I think the Jets should beat them by more than that. I think the,

Speaker 4 you know, the only thing the Steelers have is the coach, but I don't know about the Steelers.

Speaker 4 Yeah, I like the Jets defense, and I like the Jets' weapons, and I think the Jets are pissed after that Bills' loss, and now they have a ridiculously double-headed monster at wide receiver in Garrett Wilson and Devontae Adams.

Speaker 4 So I will be taking the New York Jets. No excuses, A-Rod.
No excuses to Rodgers this week. That's it.
That's it. No crying.

Speaker 1 know what? I believe in Paul Versey in October. I'm doing what I've been doing every week, betting against my Patriots.
They can't take Kevin covered a spread in a fucking month.

Speaker 1 They're playing the Jaguars at home. This is a nice win for the Jags.
They need a friggin' win. I know we got, what's his face?

Speaker 1 Drake May was looking all right, throwing it around the yard a little bit last week, but I still think it's new.

Speaker 4 It's in London, Bill. It's in London, if that makes any difference.
It's in London.

Speaker 1 It doesn't make any difference. Yeah.

Speaker 1 Well, I think more people in New England have the money to go to London than they do in Jacksonville, if I'm to believe the stereotypes.

Speaker 1 Yeah, I'm just going to take the Jaguars.

Speaker 1 Oh, shit. At least the game will be on TV.
I can fucking see it. I'll take the Jaguars minus five.

Speaker 1 Okay.

Speaker 4 Jake, what's the situation with the Colts? Colts quarterback?

Speaker 5 Sounds like it'll be Flacco until further notice, but

Speaker 5 yeah, it's still unclear. But I think we're looking at Flacco again.
Also, I think I messaged the chat, but Russell Wilson said.

Speaker 1 What happened to Anthony Richardson again?

Speaker 5 He got hurt. I think it was his shoulder or a bleak.
I don't really know where that is in the body.

Speaker 1 The oblique, that would be right here. Yeah.
Jake, you're not fooling everybody. We know you got the personal trainer.
We know what's going on. You just mess the hair up when you do the podcast.

Speaker 1 I know what you look like on the weekend.

Speaker 1 um

Speaker 1 gators wear jimmies

Speaker 5 you know uh i watched back to school last night what what a movie oh

Speaker 4 oh it's fantastic back to school is one of my all-time favorite he goes a b c you're in the top three

Speaker 1 uh

Speaker 1 what about how rodney if he's standing up he can't even stay still like his leg is always like shaking He has like restless legs.

Speaker 1 Like the big one was when he did Caddyshack, because I think that was his first sort of big role. Like he was just like, he was just moving around the entire time.

Speaker 4 I like when he goes, I like when he goes, Jason, when I dreamed about going to college, this is exactly what I pictured. He goes, when did you dream about going to college?

Speaker 4 He goes, when I fell asleep in high school.

Speaker 1 He was just doing his act.

Speaker 1 He was just doing his act.

Speaker 4 All right. You know what? I'm going to take,

Speaker 4 I'm going to change it up right now. I'm going to take my Giants getting three points against the Eagles at home.

Speaker 4 We're getting Malik neighbors back.

Speaker 4 Okay.

Speaker 4 We had a heartbreaker with no kicker last week again, and the Eagles aren't that great. I like us getting the points.
I'll take the Giants getting three at home.

Speaker 1 what's going on down in Philadelphia, man?

Speaker 1 Dude, I, you know, I've seen so much shit on Instagram of Eagles fans just losing their minds. Um,

Speaker 1 no, they're saying that

Speaker 1 it was like it all fell apart last year in like November, and they haven't been able to get it going again.

Speaker 4 No, they were saying the coach is like the coach is on the hot seat to the point where, like, he's bringing his kids in the press conference.

Speaker 1 Oh, dude, that, that,

Speaker 1 I mean, how you doing, little buddy?

Speaker 4 Don't touch the mic, don't touch the mic, little buddy. Don't touch the mic, okay? He, you know, he's having a good time, you know, that shit.

Speaker 4 He's happy to be here.

Speaker 1 You want to answer any questions?

Speaker 4 You know, those when they do that, you want to answer any questions? You got any questions for him? Probably knows more than me.

Speaker 1 Yeah.

Speaker 1 This is my neighbor. She's got stage four breast cancer.
Why don't you come over and sit down next to me? Okay, let's talk about the game.

Speaker 1 They're all wearing pink.

Speaker 4 There's a make-a-wish kid, sick, bald.

Speaker 4 Just fucking.

Speaker 1 All right.

Speaker 1 Just to let you guys know, I wanted to show you. This is the newest member of our family.
He pulls out a puppy out of his shirt.

Speaker 1 Oh,

Speaker 5 we might have to move him to homes. Yeah.

Speaker 1 Oh, why did I go for it on fourth down in that situation? Why did I go for it on fourth down, buddy?

Speaker 1 All right. I just met, I'm just delaying here.

Speaker 4 Got a wounded warrior? I'm sorry. All right.

Speaker 1 It's here to get. Oh, yeah.
They would have everything.

Speaker 1 Oh, yeah. Some fucking feminist saying something.

Speaker 1 It's Halloween, everybody. We're going to bring out transitioning Nick Siriani to answer your questions.

Speaker 1 I can't give him the hard-hitting ones. I'll look transiphobic.
All right.

Speaker 1 I got nothing, Paul. Do you want to take the next pick? I don't have anything.
I'm kidding.

Speaker 1 I should have done my homework here, but last week it didn't matter. I love the Ravens, dude.

Speaker 1 But

Speaker 1 I don't know. This just seems like that seems obvious.
I know what, but you know what, Paul? It's being weird lately. I'm just what I'm going into DMZ, you know?

Speaker 1 I'm like that guy after a divorce who goes out and buys a fucking motorcycle or something. Just fuck it.
I'm going to get out. I'm going to take the Buccaneers plus three and a half at home.
Oh.

Speaker 1 Oh,

Speaker 1 oh,

Speaker 1 yeah, that makes no sense, Paul. It makes no sense.

Speaker 4 It does. It does because the Buccaneers are good, and I love that half a point in your favor.

Speaker 1 Bigger looks good out there. You've always been a great friend.

Speaker 1 But sometimes, you know, you got to give me tough luck.

Speaker 4 I am a good friend.

Speaker 1 You're a fantastic friend.

Speaker 4 I mean, I'm there, dude. I'm there.
You need me? I'm there.

Speaker 4 Phone call in person, I'll hop on a fucking flight, dude. You never had a friend like me.
It's like Lion King. You ain't ain't never had a friend like me

Speaker 1 that's aladdin dude aladdin whatever

Speaker 5 you said it was at compense i believe

Speaker 1 for people watching at home he's not exaggerating even remotely no no no no i'm not even remotely

Speaker 1 that's one of the first things he said to me he's like bill i love you i'll help you move a body you think i can

Speaker 1 like

Speaker 1 it's like wow that escalated

Speaker 4 i go i said i'll help you move the body and then i'll ask you later at the diner.

Speaker 1 Hey, what was that about?

Speaker 4 As I'm eating my eggs, what was that? What'd that guy do? All right.

Speaker 4 I like the Buccaneers pick. The half a point in your favor just gives you a good feeling, doesn't it? I love getting that.
The Bills are minus nine and a half, dude. That line is really high, dude.

Speaker 4 It's too high.

Speaker 5 It jumped up, too.

Speaker 4 It jumped up. And I just, yeah, I mean, the Titans are bad, but are they that bad? I don't know.

Speaker 1 Well, dude, everybody's jumping on it because he got the new fucking wide receiver. So everybody's thinking, thinking, oh, my God, they're going to light it up.

Speaker 1 Only one of those teams. Maybe

Speaker 1 your Jets will light it up. How about this?

Speaker 4 How about this? I'm going to take the Lions over the undefeated Vikings, getting one and a half.

Speaker 4 Sam Darnold has still not had a clunker.

Speaker 4 But you know what? The Lions are really good. I'm going to take the Lions to beat their division rival.

Speaker 1 Yeah. Well, I just want to commend you on a one and a half

Speaker 1 spread.

Speaker 1 That at no point did you say, I mean, it's a pickup.

Speaker 1 I know. I mean, that's your catchphrase.
That is. This is basically a pick.
I've seen you go all the way up to three points. It's basically a pickup.

Speaker 4 No, two and a half.

Speaker 1 I think two and a half with that makes.

Speaker 1 It's four and a half.

Speaker 1 Jake, what were you saying? Jake pegged the Packers.

Speaker 5 I was going to say that Lions defensive end broke his leg at the end of the Cowboy game. I don't know if you saw that.

Speaker 5 But yeah, the Lions are still an awesome team.

Speaker 5 I like that pick a lot, actually.

Speaker 1 Jake, you know what you are on this car? You're like the fucking money manager. You know what I mean? Paul, you want to get that? I'm going to get that fucking boat.

Speaker 1 Actually, a boat is a really bad, really bad investment.

Speaker 1 I mean, everything you were saying about the Lions beating the Vikings totally made sense. And it comes out just to let you know their

Speaker 1 best defensive end

Speaker 1 broke his leg.

Speaker 1 They're a real, really tight-knit group,

Speaker 1 all four of them. And the other three defensive linemen are devastating.

Speaker 1 All right. I don't know why, but I just like it.
I'm going to take a look at. Jake,

Speaker 4 I'm going to get a hooker and some Coke in Vegas. I mean, have a good time, but you are married with children.
It could be really bad if your wife finds.

Speaker 1 I know you haven't been hearing the stories lately, but the fentanyl issue in cocaine is still a real thing.

Speaker 1 Just because we're close to the presidential election that they're

Speaker 1 bringing it up. Jake, we love you, dude.

Speaker 1 You're one of the reasons why we've been picking well. Yeah, Jake goes with that information, Paul.

Speaker 4 Every great sports show needs a Jake the Snake, but you know what? Not our Jake the Snake. He's with us.

Speaker 1 He's with us. That's right.

Speaker 1 That's right. And you don't get fired like fucking TBS.

Speaker 1 All right, Packers minus two and a half over the Texans. I don't give a fuck.
I don't know why I'm just taking the game, Paul. That's three now.
That was three on the the updated lines I sent.

Speaker 1 It's three. Packers are given three.

Speaker 4 Not on the updated one. The updated ones say two and a half.

Speaker 1 Oh, all right.

Speaker 1 Okay.

Speaker 1 I think that was the one that I said. Let me see.
The one that switched back that I texted you guys.

Speaker 1 What? That switched back to three?

Speaker 1 Yeah, it went back. Yeah, it's at my frame hurts.
I don't give a fuck. I'm taking the Packers.

Speaker 1 What are we doing here? Take it at three. All right.
Yeah.

Speaker 1 What's the worst case scenario, Andrew? I watched the Packers Texans game. It's going to be fantastic.
It's, you know, you got birds singing either way.

Speaker 1 You're good.

Speaker 4 All right, Jake the snake, do we have any

Speaker 4 injuries for the Washington Commanders? I believe we don't.

Speaker 1 I believe we don't.

Speaker 4 I'm going to take the Washington.

Speaker 1 Oh, why do I look like I'm in an in-sync video right now with like that halo on my head?

Speaker 4 It looks good. You look good, dude.

Speaker 1 All you need to do

Speaker 1 All you need to do is chip. The giant is on another level.

Speaker 1 You might have to go as Kojak for Halloween.

Speaker 4 I'm going to take the Commanders minus eight, and I'm going to use my good friend Bill Burr's word over the hapless. Hapless.
Bill, you taught me hapless.

Speaker 4 I'm going to take the Commanders minus eight over the hapless Carolina Panthers.

Speaker 1 I was thinking about that game, dude. I like that.
I like that pick, dude. Yeah.

Speaker 1 I like paul berzee in october you know i mean we'll see i did take the giant answer paul calls me in september i i don't pick up the phone

Speaker 1 it's all like dude i don't know what's going on it's it's just it's gloom and doom

Speaker 1 bill's just privately secretly writing the opposite thing of what i'm saying in september to make his money dude that's what i'm going to do next year Next year, you get to pick first and I'm just going the opposite of whatever you're doing.

Speaker 1 It's listening all fall apart for me in October.

Speaker 4 You know what it is? It's the foliage on the trees. When those colors come, Paulie sees it better.

Speaker 1 Hey, Bill, you know what? I like weather. I love weather.
I'm a weather guy. I am.
That's another classic Furze quote. I like weather.

Speaker 4 I mean, who doesn't like a storm, dude? What are we doing here?

Speaker 1 There's something wrong with you if you don't like a storm.

Speaker 4 Yes.

Speaker 1 Like, listen, not that shit that happened in Tampa, North Carolina.

Speaker 1 I don't want biblical stuff, Paul. No.

Speaker 1 No. I don't need Jesus going by in a jet ski, flipping me the bird as I'm bailing out my fucking living room.
I don't need that, Paul. No.
But I'm just saying.

Speaker 1 No, you're not. Nice Nor'easter.
A nice Nor'easter, Paul.

Speaker 4 How about dark and gloomy two o'clock in the afternoon rainstorm? You hear it hitting the fucking roof and the windows? It's nice. Dark.

Speaker 1 It's beautiful. Oh, Paul, you're fucking asleep with your mouth open on a Davenport.

Speaker 1 Oh, dude. One dark sock on.

Speaker 4 Oh, dude. I got a pillow between my knees, fetal position, watching a movie.
movie kidding me

Speaker 1 um dude the amount of mobsters that got whacked during an afternoon nap

Speaker 1 they always seem to be smoking a cigar out on a patio i i can never tell if it's just italians know how to live or they they wait till you when you're nice and relaxed before they whack you

Speaker 1 but the amount of guys they're out to dinner You guys are smoking cigars. You're taking a nap.
You're with your mistress. I mean, there's always something great happening right before they whack you.

Speaker 4 No, Italians let you eat. They let you eat the meal.

Speaker 4 They have to the avogado. Then we come in guns blazing, all right? Because, listen, the kids got the antipasta.
Let them finish the antipasta before.

Speaker 4 Oh, by the way, not only, not only.

Speaker 1 Oh, they asked you first. How was the veal? Does the veal all right? All right, we're going to get there.

Speaker 4 All right, get in the front seat.

Speaker 4 Dude, not only did Bill go 3-1 and I go 3-1, we hit a Monday night special. We hit it.

Speaker 1 Oh, Paul, we got him on the run here. Is that our second one of the year?

Speaker 4 Second one in six weeks.

Speaker 1 That's right.

Speaker 1 Once every month and a half. I mean, why would you watch another sports show?

Speaker 4 I mean, what are we doing here? All right, so what's the Monday night special this week?

Speaker 1 Two games.

Speaker 3 Ravens, Bucks, Chargers, Cardinals.

Speaker 5 Two good games.

Speaker 4 What's the Cardinals' line is what is that, two and a half or three and a half? Three and a half?

Speaker 1 Two and a half. I like how the Cardinals are playing, Paul.

Speaker 4 Do you?

Speaker 1 Wow.

Speaker 1 Yeah, they've been playing great. Kyler Murray's back, and he's not like fucking having to run around like a water bug.
He can actually throw the ball. He's got a little bit of protection.

Speaker 1 I think they did a lot of good things down there, Paul. I think people may be a little bit too high on the

Speaker 1 Chargers.

Speaker 1 Look, you know what?

Speaker 4 I'll go with that. You want to take the car.
Sorry, Jake. Jake, look at Jake.
I can see Jake is twitching in his seat. I literally just saw.

Speaker 1 What do I need now? Kyler Murray actually

Speaker 1 lost his right arm.

Speaker 1 What happened?

Speaker 5 Well, they are down a pretty key receiver, but, you know, other than that.

Speaker 4 Wait, wait, no, Marvin Harrison?

Speaker 5 No Marvin Harrison, yeah.

Speaker 1 Oh, that's a biggie. Yeah, that is a biggie.

Speaker 1 That's

Speaker 1 that game. Yeah.
All right, Paul.

Speaker 1 What about the

Speaker 1 Ravens Buccaneers?

Speaker 1 I want to get the Buccaneers, but I don't give a shit. That's just me.
Okay. That's me driving it into the wall.
I want to win these people some money.

Speaker 1 Um,

Speaker 4 well, the you know what? We could take the Ravens, we could take the Ravens' money line, which means you could still win your bet.

Speaker 1 Paul, I want to make a highlight video of your picks in October and have that Mark Wahlberg thing, you know, from Boogie Nights. You got the touch,

Speaker 1 you got the power,

Speaker 4 yeah.

Speaker 4 But then, but then in September, you just see all the horrible things. Like, remember in Naked Gun when he went to the booth.

Speaker 1 Oh, but that's September after all is said and done

Speaker 1 something

Speaker 1 you're a winner

Speaker 1 It's like a great movie. All right, let's let's get back to it.
So what do you think? What do you think?

Speaker 1 Ah You know,

Speaker 4 sometimes when I see you guys on the West Coast, Bill, me and you, why? I mean, me and you need to be sitting a Cuban seed right now, laughing our balls off, smoking a stick. I mean, what's that's

Speaker 1 good?

Speaker 1 It's good for our longevity that we don't live down the street from each other. Oh, yeah.
Dude, I would still be drinking. I would drink

Speaker 1 four pounds heavier if I lived in the same zip code as you.

Speaker 4 Dude, I'd be knocking on your door if we were like neighbors or like even like a, like a, like a town away, like a little couple like blocks away. And I'd knock on your door when Stacey and I fought.

Speaker 4 And I would just go, dude, you want want to smoke these?

Speaker 1 And I would just have two cigars. Yeah.
Paul, we would be divorced sharing a fucking two-bedroom within 18 months.

Speaker 4 Yeah, but it'd be a nice two-bedroom.

Speaker 1 It would be a nice two-bedroom. That living room would be fucking hooked up.

Speaker 1 Dude, I wise would be coming over being like, you don't even miss. I mean,

Speaker 1 you're just over here having the time of your life, aren't you? Well, yeah, kind of.

Speaker 4 I would use the pool more than you.

Speaker 1 He's easy to live with. I mean, I I don't want to say

Speaker 1 he's asleep most of the times. It's like I don't even have a roommate.

Speaker 4 Oh, I'm an easy roommate. Yeah, I would be.

Speaker 1 Paul's betting on cricket.

Speaker 1 Paul, what do you know about cricket? Bill would tell his friends. A little more than I used to.

Speaker 4 Bill would tell his friends. He'd be like, nah, nah, he's in his room till one.
Don't worry about him.

Speaker 1 Don't, don't, don't, you don't, you don't get Paul. You let Paul come to you.

Speaker 1 You let Paul. That's what I learned doing the road with Paul.
I never knock on it. Let him sleep.
Let Paul wake up.

Speaker 1 You could stay in a motel six. If you let Paul wake up, he'll come walking out like, dude, how big were those beds? I mean, I could live here.
That was like,

Speaker 1 no,

Speaker 1 you guys don't think so? That was one of the most comfortable beds ever.

Speaker 4 But you know what? It's better than the other thing. The other thing is that guy you go on the road with that's like, hey, dude, you want eggs at like seven?

Speaker 1 I'm like, yeah, no, dude. I'm not.
Have fun, dude.

Speaker 4 I'll see you at lunch.

Speaker 1 Or the drug guy or the pussyhound, or not, all of those guys. Yeah.
All of those guys. Yeah, yeah.

Speaker 1 Bill, we were. All right.

Speaker 4 We worked. We were a matchmaker.

Speaker 1 We did our work. And now look at us.

Speaker 1 All right.

Speaker 1 Okay.

Speaker 4 We'll do

Speaker 4 Baker Mayfield to throw one.

Speaker 1 Yes.

Speaker 4 What's the rushing under over for Lamar Jackson?

Speaker 5 You want to do Lamar or Derrick Henry?

Speaker 4 No, I just want to see Lamar because we hit it with Josh Allen.

Speaker 1 Let me see.

Speaker 4 My guess is going to be 26.

Speaker 1 Lamar Jackson, Derrick Henry. What the fuck was I thinking? You know what? Because it makes no sense.

Speaker 1 After all is said and done.

Speaker 1 Because a winner.

Speaker 4 Lamar Jackson, 51.5.

Speaker 3 Is it really?

Speaker 4 That's a lot, dude.

Speaker 1 Let's go under.

Speaker 1 You got to go under on that.

Speaker 4 All right, we'll go under Lamar Jackson, 51.5 yards to rush. We'll do Baker Baker Mayfield to throw one.

Speaker 4 And what do you want to do, Bill? Ravens money line, which means you could still win your bet?

Speaker 1 No, I don't give a shit, dude.

Speaker 1 This is about making the people, the listeners, money here.

Speaker 4 All right, so let's do that. We'll do Ravens money line.
Lamar Jackson under 51 and a half rushing yards and Baker Mayfield to throw a touchdown for the Bill. You didn't sing it.

Speaker 4 You haven't sung it in a couple of weeks.

Speaker 1 Oh, well, maybe that was the Jinx.

Speaker 1 Okay.

Speaker 1 maybe me not singing all right all right that could be well we'll we'll put it out to the fans you want me to sing out of tune again i already did the boogie nights maybe we need to switch it up that's true if we win another one

Speaker 1 if you leave it up to the fans we'll just switch up the lyrics paul's got the touch

Speaker 4 uh well we're both 11 and 13 bill which means me and you could come out of this week ahead of the book going into week eight, baby.

Speaker 1 All right, yeah.

Speaker 1 We'll see.

Speaker 1 All right, guys.

Speaker 4 There you have it. Andrew, are we still doing the touchdown special?

Speaker 1 Yeah.

Speaker 4 All right. So, guys, the Bet MGM does a cool thing with the touchdown special.
You pick and bet on the person you think that's going to get the first touchdown in the game.

Speaker 4 And guess what Bet MGM does for you? If that person does not get the first touchdown of the game, but in fact, gets the second touchdown, you still get your stack.

Speaker 1 I mean, that's. You get your money back.

Speaker 4 You get your money back. you get your money back okay you you don't lose the stack take it easy huh take it easy yeah

Speaker 4 i give you a stack okay no you get your money back um download the bet mgm app uh guys on your device use our code the anything better code which is burr b-urr it's very simple all you do is put up to ten dollars deposit and um you get fifteen hundred dollars in bonus bets uh even if the bet loses if the bet does lose you just put you know you put the code in and you get the the bonus bets, right, Andrew?

Speaker 4 1,500?

Speaker 1 Yes.

Speaker 4 There you go. Those are our picks for week number seven, everybody.
On behalf of myself and Jake the Snake and Bill Burr out there and the Beverly Hills kid,

Speaker 4 we'll see you next week. And guess what? We want you guys to be responsible, right, Bill? Isn't that what we do? We're doing this for fun.

Speaker 1 Yeah, don't be a moron. No.

Speaker 1 That will lose.

Speaker 1 We might have a special guest. Look what I found.

Speaker 1 Really?

Speaker 1 Oh,

Speaker 4 we might have a special guest.

Speaker 1 We might have a fun guest next week.

Speaker 4 We're going to have a fun guest who knows football next week. If I, if I, yeah, right?

Speaker 1 Yeah. Okay.

Speaker 4 Okay. So there we go.

Speaker 4 We'll see you guys next week. Thank you guys

Speaker 4 for tuning in and

Speaker 1 good luck. Paul's got the touch.
All right. See ya.