Thursday Afternoon Monday Morning Podcast 10-17-24

All right.

Hey, what's going on, everybody?

It's Bill Byrd.

It's time for the Thursday afternoon, just before Friday.

What a camera may be looking at.

Monday morning podcast.

And I'm just checking in on you.

And as always, if we film it, that means we have a special guest.

And yes, we do.

We have a very special guest here.

I even brought notes.

Wow.

Look at me, like fucking Tom Brokaw. Or who was that guy? Who was that guy? Barbara Walters.
Barbara Walters. Brian Gumbel.
No one knows what he's writing. Nope.
This guy, as far as I counted, has been nominated for 19 Grammys. Won six, which is an incredible average.
Four, but I'll take it. Four? Yeah, I'll take six.

I like six.

You know it's way better.

Look at all your awards.

All of that one.

That looks like the Canadians in the 50s.

He's got a new album out called Hi.

I'm not going to say who his wife is.

I don't know why that's on here.

And he's married to so-and-so.

Please welcome Keith Urban, everybody.

Thank you, Bill.

How are you?

Gosh, you're looking in great shape. Oh, thank you.
We were just talking about how both of us slouch. And no matter what shape I get into, I look like I'm 40 pounds overweight.
And then everybody calls me Billy Bitch Tits, Billy fucking this, Billy that. It's never complimentary.
And I can take... Are you good with your posture in general? It's hard, right? I've gotten better.
Right. I've gotten better.
You've got to be mindful of it. I had like, no, you know and i i can take are you good with your posture in general it's hard right i've gotten

better right i've gotten better so what i'm full of it i had like uh no you know it's got it because what everything's like internal rotation driving being at the computer you know you that's true yeah so what happens is your shoulders and then everybody you know the ego stuff your bench your curl all the shit you can see you don't work on your back so what happens is your back it's stronger than the front. This is what I learned through having

rotator cuff issues.

Your shoulders end up coming in like that. So what I've, you know what I've taken? You ever see old Asian guys when they walk? They walk and they have their hands behind their back like that.
Like they're pondering something. And I'm thinking like, no, they're like, this brings your shoulders shoulder see look at that there's there's the pecs wow i fucking sit like this i'm billy bitch tits yeah you went from bitch tits to pecs that's right i did it just took posture if i would just sit like this i don't let money at the gym and just stood better i know if i if i did this on my podcast people would accuse me of being on testosterone, which is my goal.
Or being an old Asian man.

One of the two. I probably don't get

that very much. Well, this is what

fascinates me about what

you do is, like, comedians

are like, oh, you're doing a tour. Like, I go out

and I come back, like, three, four days later.

When you go out, you're like,

out. Nope.
No?

No, it used to be. Because it says until August,

according to my sheet here, which was not supposed to be any lies, August 28th is how long this tour is going. Yeah, but I mean, I do a few shows and then go home.
Do a few shows, go home. So I'm probably going three days in a row.
Oh, okay. Yeah.
What about back in the day? Yeah, I'd be going for weeks and months. Australia, highway to hell, right? Well, yeah.
The whole middle of the country. Yeah, you're going forever.
What's the longest tour you ever did?

Have you ever been in Australia?

Yeah, I was going to bring that up.

We'll bring it up.

I've been there a number of times.

I am terrified of the ocean, but the beaches are so gorgeous.

It's the only time in my life I felt drawn.

And I even went there in the wintertime.

Yeah.

And I was just, wintertime for you guys anyway.

And I was like, I have to go in that water. And it was all like, it was so rough.
It was like foamy. But I was still thinking I need to do it.
So when I went out to Perth, I actually just to go in the Indian Ocean, but I've been there like four or five times. I haven't been there since I had kids.
It's been real tough to try to get back there. But the last time I went there was Australia Day.
day oh wow and um you know usually where you when you travel as an american you go to a country and you're like oh man we're such meatheads why don't we do this this way that way australia day was the only time i ever went to a country being like all right we're not that bad we're not the only ones because the level of drunk meathead and also the amount of el caminos that you guys still have out there. It was like the 70s again.
Everybody looked like a weed dealer. Yep.
And it was 14 hours to get to Sydney, and then it was another brutal six to get all the way out to Perth. Yeah.
It's in the middle of nowhere. It was still going on.
It's beautiful out there, Perth. Oh, it's gorgeous.
Yeah. It's close to the middle of nowhere.
That's why. Yeah.
I like that was like the galway of uh yes of australia yeah and little when i was still drinking the little creatures beer uh-huh was my favorite and they had the brewery was there and so was bond scott's grave and that's in perth yeah i didn't know that yep they have a statue of them and i took a picture of that and i went to his grave and uh it was kind of weird people had all like left booze bottles there and that's like what killed them which i thought was weird enough and then someone had put a miller genuine draft which is one of the worst fucking beers ever but i'm thinking all right it's australia it's an import maybe they think it's fancy but this is this is swill like bond wouldn't drink this man they had all those hit those hit albums. I'm sure he was drinking something better than that.
It is odd that they leave all the booze around there, isn't it? It's a twisted honor. Yeah, it's like, well, you know, you're sort of like, he's like, it was a cartoon character.
They didn't realize that was somebody's son, that was somebody's best friend or something like that. Like, you would never do of the greats.
Yeah, I really was if somebody you know was just like a plumber if he fucking you know Death by misadventure as they say you wouldn't whatever his misadventure was you would not leave that at his great No bunch of ladders lying around Yeah, people today you wouldn't put oxy a little thing like a prescription pill things. Bless his heart.
So, yeah, no, Bond is, that's what I was surprised to hear about you, being a country artist, is that you actually were into metal and all of that type. I guess that makes sense, right? In your position, you listen to everything.
Yeah, especially coming up in the clubs in Australia. Oh, okay.
I mean, that's the only places to play. So they're rough places.
Well, what was that like playing? How does country music do over in Australia? Well, I mean, I grew up playing country music because my dad's record collection was all American country music. So they were all the records I grew up listening to.
Oh, okay. All American country artists.
Like Merle Haggard? Merle Haggard, Johnny Cash, Waylon Jennings, you know Willie, Charlie Pryde all of them and so I just learned those songs when I was picking up guitar. Because I was gonna ask you that that's amazing to me that someone that far away I guess we will but that's it shouldn't be because people play all the great so many great rock bands came out of Australia so I guess it's like whatever to you.
But I do find it funny that you play country music and you're an immigrant. Yeah.
You know, so does the fan get confused? Like, do your show, but then get the fuck out of my country. No, wait a minute.
He's singing about gravel roads. This guy's all right or whatever.
It took a minute to get accepted. I'll tell you that much.
So what did you have? Did you have to kiss the ring, so to speak? Did you have to go to the Grand Ole Opry? You definitely need to let the tribe know that you're the real deal and that you're there for the long haul. Okay.
You know. How did all those tattoos do during when they were like? Well, I didn't have most of these when I was trying to get in the door.
Oh, okay. I didn't have any of them, actually.
Because it was like a big family values thing. I always felt bad for country singers where rock stars were expected to just be totally debaucherous.
And then there was this whole period, I feel like in the 90s and that type of stuff, where you had to be squeaky clean. Yeah.
Like the Osmond family. Yes.

You guys were, you know.

It's so weird because the genre doesn't have,

it's got a history of George Jones and Johnny Cash

and Wiley Jennings and complete screw-ups.

Absolutely.

Absolutely.

So how did you guys handle that?

Did you just like sneak around doing whatever you were doing?

Handle what?

Being what it was.

Well, like you want to like fucking party and bang groupies and be a, you're a rock star. You're just singing country music.
But then you had to also be like, I go to bed at a fucking eight o'clock and you know, I drink milk in the morning in America. Here's the flag.
Like how did you guys, you know, without divulging too much, how did you have your fun? I earned. Oh, I definitely benefited from the fact that I was pre-iPhones, pre-old app, pre-social media.
All my craziness was pretty much pre-social media, so I was really lucky. I was a total loner, stay away from me kind of guy.
Right. Where did you get that from? Traumatic childhood.
Yeah, just abuse. That's all it was was so then you just sort of learned after a while that hey if i'm alone you know this shit kind of stops yeah so then you kind of feel uh safe being alone and then you just stay that way yeah until about 38 and then you kind of go like everybody else is like married with like a 12 year old and uh i'm still fucking sitting here on a futon like what is what is going on well i wasn't 30 i was a little bit younger than that when i i uh met my wife how the hell old was i i can't remember like 36 or something like that but it was like late in the game right and um when i would go back to my hometown and you, if I would run into somebody and see their lady, you know, they had a house.
They had like a fucking minivan and like three kids. Yeah, they're organized.
Well, they had they had moved past adolescence. And that's kind of like like I ran into this guy the other day that I started out with and he never got married or anything like that.
And he's like, dude, I still feel young. I mean, I feel like I'm like, you never got married, never had kids.
He's like, I feel like I'm in this extended adolescence. And it's like, well, you are.
Yeah. You are.
I mean, I'm not good or bad. I'm not judging it.
But it's just like, because I did that long enough where I was just like, I got bored with it. I'm like, you know, I would like to get up and have some sort of responsibility yeah other than trying to figure out you know what where am I gonna I don't know go have a beer today I mean I was literally you know waking up at like 10 in the morning and waiting till eight o'clock at night to do stand-up yeah it was bad I was just yeah and then I got into like writer's block and all of that that type stuff where...
I'm gonna ask you about that. As a songwriter, when you get into writer's block, if you have, you've been doing it long enough.
Do you have any tricks to sort of pull yourself out of the mud when you're just like, oh God, I keep writing about the same stuff or I don't got nothing new you know um I you play drums so playing helps let's be I'm a guitar center dad drummer anyway I sit down and I play when the levy breaks you can and then some people can't play that sounds good man you got a lot of bottom in you I'm just being honest I'm not going to sit here with a professional but. I'm good for a dad that tells jokes with two kids.
You've got an outlet. Separate.
Right. To comedy.
Yes. So you can go and release a bit of your ya-ya's out there and see if that gets a little flow going.
So for me, it's not too dissimilar. I'll just do some other thing to get some flow going.
I think for me, just what,

what's your thing?

I might go for a drive or,

Oh,

you a car guy.

Yeah.

Oh,

that's awesome.

Or I'll just jam.

I just,

I don't write a song.

Just,

just jam,

just play some music.

Just have fun with it.

Right.

You know,

just get back to the basics of having fun with it.

And then maybe something will start flowing.

What I do is I,

uh,

I take all rules of like hacky,

like I'm not doing this. Like that's a hacky topicy topic and i just what do you mean a hacky talk a hacky topic is just something that's been done to death right um it would be like uh i'm trying to think of something i don't know like when i was coming up like going to the dentist airplane getting on an airplane yeah yeah yeah just like oh my god you know yeah.
Just like, oh my God, you know. Yeah.
Dogs do this, cats do that. I just take all of that and I throw it out and I talk about whatever.
And it's weird. It somehow turns into something and I'll try something new or do something that I'm like excited about.
But if you try something new, you feel stupid, you fail and everything like that. like something funny like ends up happening um that ends up turning into like because i'm more like a storyteller than like a like a sort of a a joke you know like i'm fascinated by people who can just like write a great joke me too like monologues and stuff like that yours just comes from sort of riffing and then form.
And then the bits form into something that now is constructed, which you can flow each night, sounding somewhat spontaneous, but there's a center of it. Yeah, and a lot of times it starts off with what you're saying is embarrassing.
It's so bad. But then if you develop it, you can into like this new this offshoot room that someone didn't go into and then what happens is is it's it's almost like in uh goodfellas when jimmy the gent was whacking everybody from the lithuanza heist as a comedian you you chop off that first hacky thing that got into it and then you're in that over there and then test it yeah and then you got rid of the you got rid of the evidence yes you got rid of the body that makes perfect sense yeah well let's say the art of originality is knowing how to hide your sources oh i don't know i always feel like when i hate when people say everything's been done and like no but i would say like you know i think don't you feel like though that that's early on like i'm like i'm sure when you started out like people like oh you listen to this guy this guy this guy but then the longer you do it i don't think it's necessarily like hiding your influences where you found like your sort of recipe thing yeah yeah i think miles davis said it takes a long time to sound like yourself or to play like yourself.
Right. A long time.
I mean, for the longest time, you'll just play like other people and then eventually become your own thing. I'm sure even with comedy, it's the same thing.
Oh, yeah, no. I was, when I started out, who was I doing? I was doing Brian Regan and then people would come, oh, dude, you're like Brian Regan or whatever.
And I'd be'd be thinking like no i'm not and i totally was i totally was like my mannerisms i was like crouching down so you'd watch yourself back and see that and go oh no i i had so much to this day i can't watch myself like the self-loathing how did you know you were doing him because everyone was saying it and then i also knew i was doing it and i kept telling myself to it, but then it became muscle memory, where I was going, he had like this little crouch that he would do, and I was doing it, and I was trying to stop doing it, but I was so afraid of bombing, and it was like working, and it was like this torturous sort of two years, that I went through, and then it took like another five years of not doing it for people to stop saying,

because, you know, their first impression, oh, that guy, he's just fucking, he's just doing Regan.

It took like another five years or so to get away from that, and then I was in my angry years.

Was it legit that, or was it something you were developing? No, no it was legit anger but i didn't understand what i was angry about so i i said i said a lot of shit to a lot of people that had no business hearing it um i call those yeah taking out your childhood on the world right um so i did that until uh you know I fucked up another relationship and then I was just like, all right. Like, this is, you know, I was, yeah, I was in, chicks are psychos.
Like, that was my big take. 34 years in the world, that was my big takeaway that I learned being on this planet.
Chicks are psycho. And then I was kind of like, all right, you just ruined another relationship with a great woman.
woman like this has to be you so when i i stopped doing this and i started like looking at myself it was the slow crawl to uh like now uh like i get along with my wife great yeah to the point it's making me nervous i'm just like this is going really good like is she thinking about getting the fuck out of here? Is that why she's happy? It can't be something I'm doing. Because I've always just, historically speaking, I have pissed women off.
I just, I'm trying to stop that. So, I don't know.
You've been married for a long time. You got any tips? 18 years ten years.
I'm working on it. Yeah.
Yeah. Every marriage is different.
That's why I can't stand marriage advice from people. Because it's like, well, that's your marriage.
That works for you. Right.
It may not work for us. It may not work for them.
I don't know. I just try to, like, make a laugh every day.
And then I try to be easygoing. uh making a laugh is easy the easy going part is like uh that part is hard for me right you know because every day I have like a ton of shit that I have to do and I think part of that goes back to once again the trauma thing like you know like ADD all of that shit I'll do this I'll do this and I'll do that.
Cause then you don't have to think about shit that happened to you. So, but then, you know, you're a human being and you need to rest.
And then I don't, and then I get irritable and then, you know, I, you know, I'm snippy around that. Like who wants to be around that? Um, but I've also kind of, my wife has a a great sense of humor like she was being a jerk this morning so i just wrote her a poem that was talking all

of this talking all of this shit about what i was doing and and and then in the end it was like

you still treat me like an ass and she thought it was hilarious and then it just sort of like

resets it but i feel like if you don't have those devices yeah it just starts building yeah up and the next thing you know like you end up going your separate ways how much do you have to work through isms in your personality that make up who you are as an artist and as a creative person sexism what do you know like quirks like anxiety some of these like insecurities uh mood swings whatever it is all these things right i definitely trauma whatever it is swings right yeah but my point is you could work on all that stuff and be a potent you know more whole human being right but maybe just not as funny not as interesting not as edgy that is a myth because there was a thing when i was growing when i was growing up when i was coming up as a comedian they used to always say you know don't get too happy right if you get happy you won't be funny you know uh no facial hair people want to see your expressions oh wow is that a real thing you can't be too in shape you can't be good looking. They had all these fucking things.
Women aren't funny. They had all of these fucking...
All of them were bullshit. They were all fucking bullshit.
And one of them was don't get too happy. Don't get married until you get to a certain point or whatever.
All of it was BS. And it's like if you get happy, what's great about that is if you were like crazy before, is you can revisit all of this stuff you've been through

with a completely different perspective

you can laugh at yourself

your shows become lighter

women start coming to your shows

I mean dude

the first 15 years

of my stand up career

was a sausage fest

and it was just a bunch

just a bunch of morons

and it was just a bunch of morons

This is... of my stand-up career was a sausage fest.
And it was just a bunch of morons. And it was just a bunch of morons who didn't understand themselves or women like me.
And that's what I was doing. So then, and it's funny now, like some people have noticed that I've changed a little bit.
And then what's funny is the people that haven't, you know, sort of gotten out of where I was, they'll say like, you know, you used to be funny like five years ago. And I'm just like, dude, I get it.
I'm not as fucking angry as I was. And if you want to spend your one life being angry, like, you know, more power to you.
You know, I don't want to, I don't want to be, I don't like all of that shit. Don't leave New York, come out to LA.
You're going to lose your edge, which is hilarious. Like, this is an easy city.
This place is brutal. New York is brutal.
L.A. is brutal.
But at least New York, there's trees. There's water.
You know what I mean? Right. There's other people that aren't in this business.
You know what I mean? We're out here. You just feel like everybody you run into, you know, has a podcast or whatever.

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Do you want to talk about your album at all?

Before we, you know, because we're really just sort of.

Just a neat segue, Bill.

I know.

It's amazing.

I don't even know how you got there.

It's an interesting title, though.

High.

Thank you.

So is that sort of a play on, like you're high on life?

It's a great word because a lot of people, everybody interprets it different.

Okay.

And I like all the different interpretations of it.

I've been many interpretations of that.

I've been sober 18 years, but I still...

18 years?

Yeah.

What was your...

Were you a drinker?

What was your deal?

Yeah.

Coke, booze.

Oh, you did it all?

Yeah.

See, all while doing that family values.

That's fucking amazing to me.

That's like a movie, dude.

That's like a movie scene.

So when did you bottom out...

What was your thing where...

Thank you. me that's like a movie dude that's like a movie scene so when how did you when did you like bottom out what was your thing where i'll tell you mine if you want just so it eases into yours i think it was i didn't go as far down the road as you did i was lucky with cocaine where uh i mean it was a tragedy but i learned something when the When the Boston Celtics drafted this kid, Len Bias,

went to Maryland, and the city was overjoyed.

Because we always had slow white guys.

I was like, oh my God, we finally have a black dude that can dunk.

We're going to go up against the Lakers.

They had worthy, that magic.

They just were like, they were showtime Lakers. They were glorious to watch.

And we would look like a bunch of guys at a ymca now so we get this kid uh i once again red hour back this shrewd i don't even know how we were coming off winning a championship i believe and then in 86 and then we got this kid i didn't even know how it happened and two weeks later he was dead uh from a uh i think he's free basin he overdosed And that scared, at least for me, that scared the shit out of me. And I was like, cocaine, bad.
So I just stuck with the booze. So my low point was when my wife finally said something to me and she never broke my balls about anything.
She's going, what's going on with you? You're like drinking every night. How long had you been together? Like eight years.
It'd been a while. And it was, well, the mistake I made is I brought the booze in the house.
Okay. Cause I don't have like that.
I'm sure that wasn't the mistake, but yeah. Well, I, well, I, it's like, that's what, that's what made it at.
Cause I'm more of a habit guy than, I don't have like the addiction, addiction thing. Yeah.
But I am like, you know, I always call it the spectrum of it. I am definitely probably like 2 o'clock on it.
So before, if I didn't have it at home, like Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday, I'm like, I'm not really out. So I wouldn't think about it.
So it didn't get a chance to get a hold of me. But then what happened is I got older, you know, drinking beer.
I was getting a belly and then somebody introduced hard stuff to me, you know, like vodka. I'm like, oh, this little thing has as much alcohol as six beers.
I'll just have one of those instead of drinking a six pack. You know the deal.
Then you have six of those and then you build up a tolerance and then you're fucking knocking out a bottle every three days. So I went to bourbon and I was watching old TV shows shows my wife would go to bed and i would just be up there and i was pouring them like that and i remember she was going like dude look at that thing what and i was going i called them a home pour it's a home pour you know you go out to the bar they give i'm balancing it out so i would have like three or four of those a night and i was just killing bottles like every three days and so she found Kind of sad, isn't it? Yes, by myself.
See that picture. By myself.
Watching old movies. No, that was glorious.
Because they were all drinking and smoking. So it didn't feel like there was anything wrong.
So anyway, I went. My wife told me not to drink.
No, she told me not to have one. You've had enough, okay? You've had enough.
And you come downstairs you come downstairs bedrooms downstairs and you're snoring or whatever just knocking off and i said all right all right you're right and i was like wow she's saying something and i still poured like one more but i knew that she would know that i poured it another one if i didn't come to bed within the next five minutes right so then i was walking down the stairs and I had like this big ice cube when those big ice cubes in it.

And I was like, I was hiding it on the other side of my leg as I came walking in before in case she was still awake. And I'm like, I'm this guy now.

Yeah.

I'm hiding the booze.

Like what's when am I going to have like, you know, the bottle in the back of the toilet?

So the following. So that was when I knew it was out of control.
But then it took, like, another year and having a daughter. And then I was just sitting there going, like, you know, I'm down here.
She was a couple months old. I go, if somebody comes through the door right now, I can barely even stand up.
Like, I'm not even a man right now. Like, what the fuck am so i decided i was taking a break and then um we still working through there you must have been what was i doing stand up oh yeah yeah yeah and that was that helping or hurting um well i never really drank before shows so i never did i never like did that but i was definitely drinking out of loneliness because it was like i don't want to

go back to the empty hotel room so i'm just going to stay out as long as i can to right before i'm going to pass out and then face plant the bed and then i'll be good but um so then anyway all i was doing was taking a break and i just never came back because i don't have to go through quitting again is basically it. And it took me so long to get to that place, to get enough days in a row that I, you know, remember, did you watch that great series on George and Tammy? I didn't see that.
Okay, well, they had this thing that he would do, the actor, when Tammy would look at him and know that George was thinking about drinking, he would kind of go, kind of do this thing with his mouth like he had a taste for it and then she would like get him to like build like a dollhouse like try to distract him like it for me it took like uh you know it took like three weeks to get rid of the initial thing of it and then it took like another like month and a half to start being like to actually be outside of it and and looking at it, being like, what the fuck was I doing? And I don't want to go back to that. And my face looks better and I'm dropping some weight here.
So, you know, vanity helps a lot with not drinking. Yeah.
All of it. So, yeah.
So then I kind of like, I don't know, but I replaced it with other shit. Like during the pandemic, it was ice cream sandwiches and I fucking ballooned up.

Oh my God.

It was the greatest thing ever.

And I was like, California sober.

So I take two hits off a joint because I'm not a big weed guy.

And then I would just eat like an ice cream sandwich.

And, you know, you look at yourself every day in the mirror.

So you don't notice that you're slowly expanding.

And then I stood on the scale.

I was like, oh my God, what the fuck did I do? And do and you know by then i had like two kids and it just you know i don't know i just i just finally got rid of coffee yeah that thing spun why did you do that why did you get rid of coffee because i was drinking like two to four cappuccinos a day let's see the patent here yeah and that's what happens yeah and i i get i like i get get into shit, and so I just gotta watch what I get into. Yeah.
So, like, I... Yeah, I'm a fucking lunatic.
But you have a new album out called High. Thank you.
I know, you're really... I like learning about you, Bill.
I know, yeah, you're a very inquisitive guy here. But, okay, so, okay, i told you my what was your story i mean i know yours was way better well i'm with hank williams

jr you know we fell down the steps of the rhyming what was yours i had several of them but i went

to rehab a few times you know uh over the course of about eight years what's that like when you

get in there and you're still jonesing for whatever you're on and you're in this place that they give

Thank you. over the course of about eight years.
What's that like when you get in there and you're still jonesing for whatever you're on

and you're in this place that they give it

this overly peaceful name

and you don't feel any peace in you whatsoever

and you just want to kill everybody

and get out of there and go do some blow or whatever?

The first one was because a cop told me

it was either there or get arrested.

It was either rehab or arrest. And so I chose rehab.
Easy choice. That was a 28-day program.
First one that I did. How bad was that first few days? Did you have major DTs and all of that? I don't remember that.
I knew I needed help of some sort. All right.
So you were in a good place mentally? Yes. Except I got out of there and I went, oh, I know what the problem is.
The problem is the hard drugs. Drinking's fine.
It's the hard drugs that are ruining my life. That's how I live my life.
So I get out of rehab and I'm back to drinking. Well, of course, you know, fast forward about three years and it's all descended back where it was.
I'm now in my second rehab. And I thought, I'm in a toxic relationship with this particular girlfriend.
That's the problem. So the first one was hard drugs.
The second one is the toxic relationship. I love that.
The third rehab is like, I might be alcoholic. I know.
Yeah. Now, why was it hard for you? There's something about it where you just like, you just feel like weak.
They even say like how I'm lactose intolerant. Like there's something wrong with you genetically.
You can't handle milk. Yeah, yeah, yeah.
No, and I think it's a primal thing with guys to not have anything that makes them a liability to the tribe. Because we'll get pushed out and left behind.
All right. So when you get to I might be an alcoholic.
Yeah. Like how long before? My dad was an alcoholic.
So I genetically predisposed to that. And it doesn't really interest me whether somebody believes that or not.
I totally believe that's a real thing. You get that genetic thing or you don't my brother doesn't have it he's he didn't have that thing i got it yeah there's do you think there's anything to like your father did he drink in front of you yeah of course all right so do you think there's anything to like making that like regular behavior because when i was growing up in massachusetts like you had a son or a daughter and they became like a bartender like like it was unreal like i had friends of mine like at eight years old could make at least 12 different drinks like they would have their friends over the adults would and then it just became was considered like cute like go make me a manhattan or something yeah and like buddy would say, oh yeah, whatever, Manhattan, you know, vodka Collins, what do you need? Like he like knew how to do it at like eight or nine years old.
And I remember being in that environment and thinking that his parents were cool and my parents weren't. And then I realized years later, it's like, oh no, my parents were cool.
Like, they got, like, you know, they didn't do anything. They were, like, no booze, no smoking, nothing at all.
But, like, I just, you know, you're in, like, your teenage years, so you feel like a freak. So everything is like, oh, God, oh, my parents.
And then it's when you're 20s, you look back like, no, they were kind of awesome. They kind of did like a really great job with that.
But, you know, not all of them, but a lot of them that I noticed from that era, like still drink. Where'd you grow up? I grew up in Massachusetts, North Shore when I was really young, and then the South Shore.

Okay.

But, like, drinking was... Yeah.

Yeah, it was...

It's the same with Australia.

Yeah, it was totally just...

An alcoholic would be a very specific definition in Australia.

Be a guy under a bridge with a brown bag, and I'm like, well, I'm not that, so I'm obviously

not an alcoholic.

Yeah, laying in the gutter was us.

If you were, like, laying in the gutter, and even then, you would just call...

You never called an alcoholic. You were the town drunk.
Right. He's a wino.
Yeah. Same in the gutter was us.
If you were laying in the gutter, even then, you were just called... You never called an alcoholic.

You were the town drunk.

Right.

He's a wino.

Yeah.

Like, it's funny.

There was no pedophiles.

It was just dirty old men.

Yep.

Like, everything was just sort of like...

Stay with me.

He's a dirty old man.

He's a wino.

He's a fucking drunk.

Yeah.

And, you know, that's just sort of...

Yeah, it's the characters.

Yeah. So there was...
That's interesting. is there anger issue there's anger issues and i was judged just judging by your sports in australia and and just some of the things i heard i mean wherever there's heavy drinking there's going to be anger issues yeah they pretty much go hand in hand one of the most fucked up things i ever heard anybody say i heard this guy say the first time i went to aust Australia, I was in a bar and these two guys got into it and the guy said, he goes, I'll headbutt your teeth you fucking cunt.
And I was just like, whoa. It was so specific.
And the headbutt too. It's the number one psycho move in a fight.
You're literally like, I have no concerns whatsoever for my own bodily injury. Well, I'm not going to fist but my head's gonna do more damage it's just i know yeah but also like you could like like the like leading with your head who does that in a fight and the fact that he was going right for the teeth and yeah the way he said it i like felt it in in in my own teeth i was just like jesus christ these people are lunatics.
Yeah. And then I.
But I didn't drink like my dad. So I definitely wasn't like trying to be like my dad at all.
I got to Nashville and it was really hard. Harder than I thought it was going to be.
Oh, trying to break in. Oh, God.
Yeah. Well, I know it's difficult.
what's it like coming in from australia the australian accent the whole thing everything yeah i couldn't have checked more boxes of like this is not going to work yeah but i so when did you finally like well you must have had those those i can't imagine moving that far just Just like Sydney to LA. Yeah.

Completely different hemisphere.

14 hours on a plane.

And then you want to call your friends for some support.

And it's like the middle of the night when it's like 11 in the morning.

I can't imagine.

At least if you were in Los Angeles, it's sort of like an international sort of.

Maybe there's an Australian bar. You could watch some.
That could watch some sports, but to go to like Nashville, the level of isolation as an Australian, and you're struggling, people must have thought you were nuts leaving Australia. But they don't tell you that.
They tell you that, they're saying that behind your back and not in front of you. What did they say in front of you? It's fantastic, man.
It's great that you're here, super talented. And then you hear years later, people are like, man, we were saying behind the scenes, we're like, this guy's crazy.
You're never going to do anything in this town. You hear it, you know, all these years later, and I'm like, oh, my God, why didn't you just tell me that? I know.
How embarrassing is that? So how long were you... I got there in 90.
So you weren't selling songs, and then everybody was like, what? What did you say? Yeah. You're dealing with that.
Yeah. You don't have any of your friends from our street.
God, that must have been brutal. Yeah.
That's where drugs came in. And they worked great for me.
Because it allowed me to stay and just keep going at it. Make connections? Year after year.
Exactly. Oh, are you in payola? Yeah, I'll do some blow with you.
So eight or nine years, and then you finally, did you write a hit for somebody else or for yourself? No. Yeah, it was me.
I'd written a song, and I was trying to pitch it around town. And it up on my first solo record And it ended up being my first number one song So how many people did like I imagine when you were shopping that they're like this guy's from Australia This this is this guy's crazy and they just and then when it becomes a hit.
Yeah, they do like a 180 and Then it becomes like what that's a weird moment in the career Right when all of these people that would just slam on the door all of a sudden like hey come on in sit down there was a few more starting to i was really lucky because the writing community the songwriting community were really good to me right out of the gate and then he was the real deal i could i could play i could write i was and i was there for the long haul you know nashville's a small town especially in the early 90s right and they're just making sure that you're not coming in to be a carpetbagger. Right.
You know? Like, what are you here for? I wish I could have gone there in a lot of these places in the early 90s, like Austin, Texas. You know, all these places that Denver, Nashville, Atlanta.
Like, what was Atlanta like before it just became, like, it's like the L.A. of the South.
Like, how big that airport is. Yeah.
The level of traffic. Like, last time I did a gig there.
In Atlanta? Yeah. There was, like, a Braves game going on.
And where I was playing, they had a little theater right off next to the baseball stadium. And we sat in traffic for 45 minutes.
And I could see the stadium and the place where I was performing. It was like, this is like trying to get through the Lincoln Tunnel at 5 o'clock in the afternoon.

How do these people do that?

What was funny was they moved the stadium out of downtown because they didn't like the traffic.

I think it was traffic and also other social issues.

They moved it out there.

It was very Boston where it didn't solve any problem. with the big dig they didn't add any more lanes and then the city just that went on forever that big dig i remember up there early on and it was just always under construction oh yeah forever no the city is much better like the city got like botox is basically what happened but what kills me is you go and there's that there's offshoot that leads to the mystic tobin bridge and it's like the tunnel is so fucking wide and it's one lane and then this whole other lane is just for emergency vehicles only and i guess it's like i guess i understand that but like couldn't we all just sort of squeeze over it just um yeah i don't know i thought that when i saw all the traffic trying to get out of Tampa the other night on the news, and the freeway's completely jammed going one way.
The freeway heading into Tampa, nobody on it. And I'm like, maybe free up a couple of those lanes for people coming this way.
Why not? There you go. It's not rocket science.
That's actually a good solution. I just hope everybody, oh my God, gets out of there.
Oh, unbelievable. Yeah.
Like at some point, even like the lizard people have to address global warming. We got to like, like these storms.
This guy's talking about a 15, nine to 15 foot surge. Yeah.
That's just, it's getting biblical. And then what's crazy about this country is it's so divided politically that like these idiot liberals are actually saying stuff about their own countrymen.
Like it's okay. I get you don't give a shit about them.
You don't share their political views, but you're wishing this disaster, possibly death on them. But then there's people in Florida that would say that about like L.A.
if there was like a big earthquake. It's a really it's a's a strange time it is challenging that's why I love what I get to do because I actually get to find two hours of common ground with everybody yeah it's also what but do you I find it oddly depressing though to go to at least I'm speaking just it's this country to go to all the states and see how similar everybody is oh yeah and then you just you know I'll go get everybody at my console i get maga hats i get liberals i get every pronoun i got everything out there yeah everything and they're all just getting along for two hours at least yeah and when i tell people like some of the cities i go to out here in la they go oh my god like what was that like was it just like was the clan marching down the street the street? It's like, no, it's not like that.
And then even my friends back East are going like, dude, how's LA? All right. They think it's all on fire and everybody's on skid row.
And it's like, no, that's no. Do you think we're all just sitting here like roasting in flames? I mean, there's definitely a fire today.
I don't know what's going on it's pretty cloudy on the way over here um sorry i'm all over the map here i like anyway so you write this song it becomes a hit and all of that did you the way the music business was back then um how many hits did you have to write before they were like all right this guy's a made. And you didn't feel like you had to still like dance for your supper, that you actually had like credibility.
One of the really good things happened, taking a long time to get signed and get success turned out to be the best thing for me. Because I got to do it on my terms, you know, two reasons that happened.
One was because when you got nothing to lose, I had nothing to lose. So I was like, I was almost dictating terms that I wanted, because I'm like, what do I care? I would like to have this, this, this, this, and this.
I'm like, what do you say? No, I'll just go somewhere else, you know. But a guy said to me earlier on when I got there, he goes, what's your goal? I said, to get a record deal.
He goes, no, that's not the goal. I said, what's the goal? He goes, get the right record deal.
I said, what's the difference? He goes, well, the right one's going to give you total artistic control of everything. You should be able to sign off on all the songs, the producers, the players, the name of the album, the photo.
Like, everything should be your final say, everything. Don't let anyone else do that, because you're going to have to live and die by this thing if it fails it's all on you if it succeeds it's all on you oh my god you know i went to go i went to i'm not gonna name the band because it's sad but i went to go see this band and like these guys broke in like 89 or 90 and the lead guitarist was telling me that they are still beholden to a contract.
I bet.

That they signed way back then and they've had all of these hits yeah and these guys just friggin like like stole from them and uh i had this idea for a bit but it never worked out on my act but i was always talking about how you know they always like when they talk about gangsters they always talk about like these famous guys like the john gaudys and the al capones and all of that but like the really smart ones they weren't out in the public and what they were trying to do was not only not be in the public eye but they were trying to go legit they were trying to take all their illegal money and get themselves onto the legal side which i basically call the legal side of stealing because if you look at like how corporations operate banks operate and all of that it's just legalize stealing and like people i go what's the difference between a bank and a loan shop and people like well a bank doesn't break your legs it's like because they don't have to they can just go through the the the legal system and then they can just go get you the the mob had to break your legs because what they were doing was not there was no legal bounding no binding contract so they had they couldn't just take your house yeah they had to they had to show you know an example of you so everybody else, so you would pay and everybody else would, like, pay. So, you know, I kind of, like, I relate to that story where I came in and, like, the amount of shit you just don't know, and nobody's going to tell you unless you ask.
Quite the opposite. Yeah.
The goal is to make sure you don't know about any of this. Yes.
Like, I didn't realize that if your name wasn't on the pilot, like, you don't get, like, whoever's name is on the pilot gets to created by credit. Did you find that out the hard way? Yes.
Yes. They will always forever just set you up with a writer, and you're sitting there, like, writing it with them them um i mean i learned it before i did efforts for family but like like on all those pilots like all of that if you direct the pilot episode yeah you got credit you got paid every episode after that for create helping to create the look of of the thing and that's why like back in the day you would see like these big directors would come in and they would do the pilot was for two reasons one the studio wanted a guy that or a woman that like had success and knew how to make it look good and then two the director was doing it because this was like checks you know this is mailbox money which i don't even know if that exists anymore with um like this business has changed so much with the uh the streaming and also how people like consume content or whatever like right now me and my wife are watching that show the penguin uh-huh is it good oh my god yeah oh it's so much fun and colin ferrell it's the best he's amazing i've only seen like if i i wish i didn't know it was him so i could find whatever, like eight episodes and be like, you know who that was? God, oh my God, you gotta be kidding me.
So, like, but what I like about it... Have you seen Joker yet? The new Joker? I haven't.
I haven't. But like the...
What I like about The Penguin is it comes out every, like this one episode a week rather than just being able to binge all of it. So the whole week, like, me and my wife talk about it.
Oh, that's interesting. Like, man, I can't believe, because, like, he's, oh, man, he's just double-crossing everybody.
And you're just seeing this, it's just, this is becoming this runaway freight train. And it reminded me, like, when Breaking Bad would come on, like on like every week and everyone would be talking about it.
You'd be talking about it online. So it's funny.
I don't even know what channel I'm watching this on because I can't work the TV. So is it on HBO? Yeah.
So I like that they still do that. Yeah.
And I had like a few friends of mine going like, I'm going to wait till the whole series is out and then I'm going to binge it. And it's just like, I always look at that like if it's a really good show, it's like binging a really good show to me is like taking like, this bottle of wine is this all, and you just like, you just take the cork out and you shotgun it.
And you don't even taste it. It's just like.
I'm going to wait till I can drink the whole thing in one city. What is the point of savoring anything? Yeah.
Why wouldn't you want to take this in and appreciate... Nobody savers anything anymore.
I think there's some people out there that still do. Well, that was the funny thing about doing efforts for family.
It was like doing animation. It took like a whole year to make that and it was only six episodes and they were a half hour so within three hours people could watch the whole thing and like i they would come out like at like 11 o'clock at night and then i would get all of this these great emails and and going like oh my god that was fantastic when's the next season coming out yeah yeah it's like i i gotta go back into the mine put on that the the hard hat with the fucking light you know and and yeah i think about that with chefs making meals sometimes and how long they're taking something and it's gone and you're like what's next you're like did you taste all uh you know what's funny i remember one time i was I went to this this crazy restaurant where they it's like

it's like chemistry. So they're just like, they'll hand you something.
It looks like foam or whatever the hell it is. There's one in New York.
Yeah, this is like a steak and cheese sandwich. Like, what the fuck? What is this? And you ate it and all of a sudden you taste it.
It was like being an astronaut. It was really weird.
I'm sure it wasn't healthy. But anyway, so we're at this fancy restaurant and we're going to smoke a cigar afterwards.
And one of the guys was like an addict and he couldn't wait. And he lit his cigar before the food even came.
And he was smoking the cigar and then just wolfing down the food and then going back to the thing. And it was just really, it was like the greatest, like, this is what an addict, like, looks like.
He wasn't savoring anything. He was just, just consuming and just like, oh, food tastes good.
Oh, nicotine high. And like, he wasn't, he was a recovered addict.
Not really. Well, yeah, he just, he just, I was like, oh, this is how, oh my God, because I never saw him when he drank.
I'm like, this is how this guy fucking drank. Yeah.
He was just two fisting, and it was like, and I laughed halfway through the meal. And he's like, what are you doing? I go, dude, you're a fucking animal.
Like, what are you doing? Yeah. Could have just gone in and out or something.
Made me easier. Yeah.
Like, that's what he should have done. And just had like, yeah, wipe the grease on the bag off of your face.
Like, that's essentially it. Anyway, bet the album high.
Yes, because I have a... This has been fantastic.
I was really nervous because, you know, I didn't know what this was going to be like. You know what I mean? I don't get guests as big as you often.
So you've had an incredible career, and you're still, like, you know, you're an upbeat, positive guy. You beat your demons.
You have this new album on it. And you're touring like a human being, which is fantastic.
I'm really happy. I imagine when you had your first songs, like when you went out, you were just gone.
Yeah. Yeah.
Well, that was my life. And I have a life separate to that have a life so were you one of those guys like two pairs of jeans and a t-shirt and you were good like i'm still pretty much i don't feel that much different than when i got started i know that sounds weird but a separate to everything i've done i don't feel or sense any of that at all i relate to that i feel i feel the same way I really don't feel like I'm, I mean, I hope I've grown in a lot of good ways.
But the kind of giddy, inquisitive, excited guy that showed up in Nashville in the 90s, I feel exactly the same. Yeah.
I definitely, I've definitely changed, but I'm not like not like i don't i just saw enough people when i was coming up that they were here and i was like looking up how the fuck do you get there and then all of a sudden they did something or something went away um oh my god there were so many stories like that i bet oh my god i remember this guy he got a pilot he got a pilot and he went out and bought a house and a car and then uh it only went like three weeks and then like right i don't know what he was i mean he acted like he was our big ass house too i'm sure oh yeah yeah oh yeah yeah and the woman he was with at the time was just like we're fucking and it you know, he went right down to the bank with his sitcom for one week, Check Stub, going like, yeah, I'm a star of a new sitcom, and we're going to do, you know, 30 episodes a year, and this is what I'm making, blah, blah, blah. So he bought the big house, the fucking car, and all of that.
And I remember I was young, so I was like, oh, my God, just looking at him like that was cool. And I saw the older comics the older comments so kind of like oh man I think he might have gone a little early yeah on those purchases yeah and I watched him lose all of it and then a few months later I ran into this comedian turned like showrunner who I really respected super smart guy and me and this guy since passed away Patrice O'Neal, was standing there.
We asked him. I said, Wendy, you got to be a hit show, right? Come out of the gate.
It's a hit show. He goes, when do you buy the car? And he sat there.
He's like, ah. He goes, season three.
We go, three? He goes, yeah. Season three.
No matter how big a hit it is, the first two seasons, if they move around the schedule, if you go up against Monday Night Football, that was a thing. That's what happened with my buddy's show.
They had them in the primetime thing, and it was doing well, and then they got cocky with the new show, and they moved it opposite some sort of sports show. Shit.
And it just fucking worked within two weeks. And you got no control over that.
None. But you do have the car that you're now going to take back.
Oh, my God, yeah, the car and the house, and it just like it just fucking worked. Within two weeks.
And you got no control over that. None.
But you do have the car that you're now going to take back. Oh, my God.
Yeah, the car and the house. And it just fucking all went away.
And I remember running into him years. And he never got another show or a shot.
And just seeing him like. My dad always said when I was a kid, he goes, don't get broke looking rich.
There you go. That's pretty good for a raging alcoholic.
Oh, he had a lot of good wisdoms. I love those people who don't apply it to their own life.
They got all this great life. My dad never went broke looking rich.
He was never a looking rich guy. He wasn't into any of that.
No materialism. It wasn't his thing.
Oh, so now I'm getting this romantic idea of your dad that he was that storyteller at the bar. He was a drummer.
Oh, he what? No, I didn't know that. There you go, Bill.
Oh, okay. Now you've got him framed.
I got it. And then guitars are laying around.
You didn't do any drummer jokes to your dad, did you? Nope. They always insult us.
Who's the guy who hangs out with musicians? What do you again drummer because always that you know my favorite drummer joke was you ever hear I'm sure you're this one how do you know there's a drummer at the door because the knocking is out of time is what a knocking speeds up speeds up right or the difference between the drummer and the pizza so the pizza can feed a family of five. Oh, God.
Jesus Christ, those are fucking brutal. They're hilarious.
There's banjo jokes, too. All right.
You know, the difference between a trampoline and a banjo is that you take your shoes off before you jump on a trampoline. Or do you have shoes to take off? The definition of perfect pitch is throwing a banjo in a dumpster without hitting the sides.
Well, that's a good, but it doesn't make me feel better that you had to go from drums to banjo. All right, my guest, Keith Urban, Australian-American.
Are you a dual citizen? Yeah. I like the options.
Actually, I got three. I got New Zealand as well because I was born there.
was born there. That's amazing.
I've got options. You do have options.
I like that. It's always good to have options.
New album. I'm ride or die with America and LA.
I don't give a fuck. I'm not going anywhere.
I'm Nashville through and through. They can download this everywhere.
Hi. H-I-H.
Yeah. 12 new songs.
He's currently on tour in the United States through August 28, 2025. Is there a KeithUrban.com? I love how you've just gone professional right now.
Yeah, no, hey, man, you know. Just your whole posture changed everything.
Well, I know you didn't come in just to talk to me. You got business to do.
I actually did. I come to find out about you.
Oh, you did? Yeah. Yeah, you asked a lot of questions.
Yeah, I learned. Okay.
Well, I hope you learned. a lot of people do so i'm interested in that and how you sit with that wiring is it helpful not helpful it's great for everybody else being detained by but you gotta live with it oh yeah so i was wondering how that's going uh well i immediately went like this and i started tapping my hand so yeah that's that's how i deal with with it.
I, I, uh, I've gotten really good at apologizing. Really? And meaning it.
No, and meaning it. I've had enough practice.
Like, I don't have those two, three day fights, stupid fucking things with my wife anymore. Or anybody else, for that matter.
I just squash it. It's like's like it's stupid i'm sure i did something you did something too who gives a fuck right you know i said this to somebody the other day i just squashed some shit and he's like you know i don't know if we had like a problem or whatever i said yeah we did this and that happened whatever i don't give a fuck and he goes really i go yeah i go dude i'm too old to hate It's like, I don't have enough battery life every day.

Not enough time.

Not enough, it doesn't really matter.

I can't be walking around, especially knowing how fucked up I am.

I always think, okay, I probably contributed at least 40%, and that's me giving myself a break.

Easily.

Yeah, that I'm not.

That's what they say about resentment.

Resentment is like lighting yourself on fire and hoping the other guy dies of smoke inhalation.

Jesus.

And on that note.

Where was that 20 years ago?

All right.

Keith Urban, everybody.

Get out there.

See him live.

Thank you so much for watching the podcast.

Have a great weekend, you cunts.

And I'll see you on Monday. Hey, what's going on? It's Bill Burr, and it's time for the Monday Morning Podcast for Monday, October 17th, 2016.
What's going on? How are you? Oh, how are you? Oh, look at you. I am in Washington, D.C.
and I am doing. I got three more shows here before I fly to Nashville and then I take my next special.
And I think I'm ready to go. Saturday night, I was ready to kill myself after the show I did because I was just, even though the show went great, people had a good time, I was just in my head the whole time going, and then I'm going to do this joke, and then I will do this one, and then that will flow into this one.
I was fighting like I just was in my head. And last night i was just like you know what fuck it just go up and whatever joke feels like it wants to come out do it that way that's the way you always do it just do it that way all right how many fucking times do you have to learn this goddamn lesson all right you're not the person that writes it all out and just stands up there with one hand in his pocket and the other one, you know, fucking making gestures.
It's not who I am. I'm a fucking.
I don't know. I got to walk around.
I got to get out there and walk around. So I hope that isn't too loud.
I'm going to turn this down a little bit. Turn down the levels.
I didn't bring any of my recording shit because I'm so fucking psycho-focused for this thing right now. So I don't know.
You know what's weird is I'm going to do this special right before the biggest fucking election of my lifetime, considering these are the two worst goddamn candidates, and I'm really trying to see a light at the end of the fucking tunnel. But what's weird is, you know, by the time my shit comes out, the election's going to be over.
And you know how it is. When the election's over, whoever lost within three days, I mean, it's like boy band fame.
You're just gone. Like, remember how quickly Al Gore disappeared? He just fucking disappeared.
And then months later, he had this mountain man beard. Whatever fucking happened to that guy? I'll tell you what else was fucked up.
You know what? They were bitching about Hillary. they were saying like, why is the media so silent? Because Al Gore got accused of sexual assault.
Why aren't they saying anything? And it's just like, I love how if you just get fucking accused of it. You know, there's all this shit on the side.
They protect women where it's like, don't give up their identities and all of that, which I completely agree with. And I fucking hate Al Gore.
But he was just anybody can just say, yeah, this guy did this shit to me. And then all of a sudden it's it's all over.
The media and. I don't know, I saw something recently.
The fuck story was it? Oh, there's a movie coming out. That beast of a nation.
And the guy who directed it got accused and got acquitted of rape. And everybody's going like, you know, well, what's the deal? It's like, well, he went on trial and they said he was innocent.
You know what I mean? But people that will follow that person for the rest of their life. So my thing is, if you get accused of that shit in the public, you're never innocent.
So that guy got accused. He got acquitted.
They said he was innocent of the crime, you know. but because everybody knows his fucking name you know 20 goddamn years later it's still coming up and tainting

a They said he was innocent of the crime, you know, and but because everybody knows his fucking name, you know, 20 goddamn years later, it's still coming up and tainting of whatever he's doing in his life. So then it becomes, well, I hope he fucking did it because he's getting treated as though he did.
Does that make any fucking sense whatsoever? You know what I mean? And there'll be some. You know, actually, it doesn't mean that he was innocent.
It just means that there wasn't enough evidence to convict, which is yet another thing. But I got to tell you, like the one I will say, and I know he's just been accused, is fucking Donald Trump.
Right. When a bunch of broads came out and said, oh, he did this, he did that, yada, yada, yada.
The Clintons are so fucking filthy. I mean, I'm just like, well, who knows if this is fucking true, right? Like, this is just coming out now.
This guy's been fucking running for office for over a year and a half, and it's just coming out now. So I took it all with a grain of salt, because politics fucking filthy and no one's more filthy than the fucking Clintons.
Right. But one woman finally comes on.
I was riding with the lovely Nia and we're in the car and she goes to tell her story. And rather than it being the usual generic.
And then he did this and he did that. And I felt uncomfortable.
And people like, what the fuck? She goes. Whatever.
She's poor woman's's like in her 20s and then this fucking old creep is coming at her with his orange fucking hair right which i guess that's kind of self-hatred there but i mean at least mine's real um and when he makes a move on her she pushes him away and she goes i said get real and then she goes, he then pushed his genitals in like toward, thrusted his genitals towards me and went, get real. And me and me were like, oh my God, that definitely happened.
That's just too, that's just too fucking specific. So I'm being a little hypocritical here because the person wasn't put on trial.
But anyways, this is what the fuck I wanted to talk about. I got to do my special this week.
And you know something? I don't give a fuck because people are always like, well, the stand-up special, it should be timeless. It should be timeless.
It's like, let me ask you this. I mean, and I'm not putting myself obviously in the same category.
Do you give a fuck? If you listen to an old Kinison thing and he's talking about who are those fucking idiots trying to put warning labels on albums? you know does it matter that it did or like you listen to Richard Pryor

and he's talking about

Muhammad Ali and shit

like I don't mind that it dates itself. Fuck it.
Because I know what it felt like Saturday night when I was just like, do not talk about that shit. By the time this special comes out, that stuff will already be gone.
I don't give a fuck. I'm going to talk about it.
And if it seems dated when we're editing,

that's what the fuck I'll do. I hope this isn't boring to you to take you through the minutia of doing a stand-up special.
But anyways, I'm having a great time here in D.C. I went over to Georgetown yesterday.
I just sort of walked the city a little bit with Joe Bartnick, which was awesome because this is one of the most confusing fucking cities as far as like, you know, trying to figure out basically where you're at. Like there was three areas of this city that I was familiar with, but I didn't know how they connected.
There was the DC Improv. There was the W Hotel near the White House where I've stayed a number of times.
And now there's like the National Theater and where I'm staying this time. And the thing about DC is it's all like, you know, the address is like, you know, whatever, 659 Pennsylvania Avenue.
But then it's like Southwest, Northwest fucking East or whatever. And that's just like, how the fuck do I mean, you need like a goddamn compass, just the way this whole thing is laid out.
So yesterday, I actually did a fucking walk. and I kind of walked to all three of those places.
And like I didn't realize I'm at the National Theater. I'm like, I wonder where the W in the White House is compared to that.
And it was like fucking two blocks over. And then like another two blocks and about six blocks up was the improv.
So I feel like I have that little corridor all memorized. And I finally flew into fucking Reagan airport you know rather than flying out to fucking Dulles which is like 30 miles I think west of the city or some shit like that north I don't know what the fuck it is so I land and I check a bag which I never do I never fucking check a bag like when I went to Europe just for like a month touring and took a quick vacation, I had a little fucking overhead compartment bag.
And you know something? It was fine. Oh, hang on a second.
My breakfast is here. All right, I'm back.
Fucking guy was hilarious. Guy delivering the food.
I was like, hey, what's up? And he was just like, he's like, Hey, where were you? Uh, over there on the table. Be fine.
Okay. Enjoy your breakfast.
Real weird voice. Um, anyways, had a terrorist beard too, you know, pre nine 11, I would call it an abe lincoln beard you know he just got the beard and no mustache that was the abe lincoln the fucking chin strap but the terrorist beard is the fucking no mustache chin strap but then it's sort of frizzed out you know that's a's a terrorist spirit, unless you're black.
If you're black, that just means you're from Philadelphia. Okay, plowing ahead here.
The hell was I talking about? Oh, who gives a shit? Was it even that important? Probably not. Anyways, I had a great week.
Before I came out here, I had a really cool experience. Do you guys remember a couple of years ago I was raving about that Jon Favreau movie, Chef? If you haven't seen the movie, it's phenomenal.
It's just such a great, great movie. And just don't be hungry when you watch it because you will you will consume like 12 000 calories after watching it because uh some of the food basically all of the food that they make looks unbelievable so long story short you know like whenever they have like end credit stuff on like a movie um you know it's usually like outtakes or something from the actors screwing up or whatever.
John had to learn how to basically, I guess, you know, they had to take cooking classes and stuff. So he looked like he was an actual chef.
So the movie's character would ring true, you know, all that actor-y stuff. So there was a guy showing him how to make a grilled cheese sandwich, this guy, Chef Roy Choi, who had the Koji truck, started the whole food truck movement out here in L.A.
and everything. And he was showing him how to do it.
And John just decided to film it when he was making this cheeseburger. And it was like so fucking intense when the guy was like all crouched down looking at it.
And he was moving the grilled cheese sandwich. cheese sandwich you just thinking like this is something like so fucking intense when the guy was, he's like all crouched down looking at it and he was moving the grilled cheese sandwich.
You're just thinking like this is something like a fucking 12-year-old can make. But watching this guy do it and the level of intensity, the game seven fucking intensity that this guy had when he made it, I was just like, what? It like blew me away.
It was like I've never been that into fucking cooking something ever you know I'd never seen it right so uh long story short um I don't know if I'm supposed to say this or anything I'll let him give a shit this would be like a teaser but uh Favreau's been like filming some stuff um of him cooking with this chef and um I ran into him out here and he said, hey, that guy, you know, who made the cheeseburger, I mean, the grilled cheese sandwich is going to be out there. You want to come out and watch him make it? And I was like, yeah, fucking absolutely.
I would love to. So I was hanging off set and I got to watch them make it and everything.
And they pulled me in. Let me fucking make the grilled cheese sandwich with them.

It was one of the coolest, most surreal things I've done in this business. And the fucking grilled cheese sandwich was so good.
Like an idiot. I'm out here on the road and they had a grilled cheese sandwich on the room service of a fucking hotel.
And I order it like it's going to be as good. And it wasn't.
um

times have I learned that fucking lesson

but uh I want to thank him and Chef Roy for letting me hang out. I had such a fucking great time.
I learned so much shit about cooking, and what was funny was he never went like, oh, this is how you do this this so you just kind of went in there and did it and what amazed me was afterwards when I was thinking about all the stuff that I saw him do like um just how he would just like move the grilled cheese sandwich around how he would you know fuck with the temperature I mean I was like a fucking i'm a robot when i cook i'm literally like you know whatever quarter tablespoon of salt and i like take out it out and i measure it and flick the top like these guys none of they don't use any sort of measuring whatsoever they're constantly tasting the shit and uh and then adjusting their temperature up and whatever my temperature is at that's what the fuck we're cooking at, which makes no sense when you really think about it. But I was just like, it's like being completely locked in on your act as opposed to just out there kind of flowing with it.
And, um, what is funny. So they would teach me, no, you got to taste it as you're going, you know? So I was doing that.
And, uh, John mentioned, he goes, yeah, when you cook like this, it tastes great. But by the by the time you're done he goes you don't want to eat it because you've tried it so many times you're actually kind of full a little bit and that was kind of that was kind of the deal with everything except for the grilled cheese sandwich um made a Cuban sandwich it was it was crazy the whole thing was crazy so um so that happened and I'm recording this shit on GarageBand.
And as always, I have no idea how much time has gone by. I should have just looked at the clock up top, but I didn't.
But this is the new me. This is the new calmer me who refuses to let technology piss him off.
Do you know I spent an hour and a half the opening night? Bruins, their opening night, their first fucking game. Who the fuck did they play? They played Toronto Saturday.
I don't even remember. But since like 2007, 2008, I have been, you know, I've had the center ice package.
And I've had an account online online and I'm able to just sign in and watch the fucking games. Lo and behold, this year I can't.
So I don't flip out. I call up.
I spent an hour and a fucking half talking to people from Malaysia. Okay.
Cause I finally got one woman to tell me where she was at. Cause this first guy was going like, you know, he's just talking to me.
And I'm like, yeah, I want to watch the hockey. He's like, hockey? I'm like, yes, hockey.
He goes, like ice hockey? I'm like, yeah, Bruins, original six 2011 Stanley Cup champions. And I was like, don't flip out.
And then finally, I was on the phone with this guy for like 45 minutes. He couldn't figure out the fucking problem was and I got a little heated I was just like dude you know I'm not trying to be a jerk but there's a little bit of a language barrier here and you didn't know what hockey was to start with I should have considered that as an omen I've we're 45 minutes in if we haven't figured it out yet like this this isn't working out okay.
Have a nice evening. And he said, okay, I'm sorry.

And then I felt bad.

And then I just fucking hung up.

And then I call back.

And then I got another person.

And she's going like hockey, like ice hockey, right?

Same fucking thing.

And I was saying, well, this is the problem I'm having.

It's like I'm literally trying to watch something that the person on the other side of the phone doesn't know what it is.

And they're on the other side of the world. I go like, where are you right now? And she goes, Asia.
I go, you're in Asia? And she goes, yes. She goes, I hope that's not going to be a problem, which made me feel like a Trump supporter.
I was like, no, it's not a problem, but you know what I mean? I go, you know, if you were trying to watch cricket, you had to call me up. Am I cricket, like the insect or the sport? Wouldn't you get frustrated? So long story short, I spent an hour and a half.
I spent like half the fucking game on the phone and they still couldn't figure it out. And I just said, you know what? To hell with it.
And I felt my wife watching me. You know, she kept coming in and then she was trying to get upset for me, you know, because she didn't want to see the time bomb go off.

And I actually held it together.

And I didn't get to see one second of the game.

And I guess they have some new thing this year.

You can no longer stream it.

You have to pay for both now.

I don't know.

They got AT&T bought them.

So now you have to pay for both.

Because that's how corporations work.

To make like a zillion dollars.

They now have to make like fucking,

they got to make, you know, two zillion dollars.

It's just like, why can't you cunts just be happy

with the 70-foot yacht? Why do you always have to be happy for a 90-foot yacht? Fucking unbelievable, man. It's just, uh...
I don't know. You know, I was listening to a fucking...
I'm going to stop moving this computer because I know it gets really loud when I do it. Sorry.
I was listening to NPR, right?

Well, my wife was listening to it and I was tolerating it.

I like some of the fucking music, but just like their politics.

It's just, it's, it's, it's so, it's so childlike to just be sitting there

leaning all the way to one fucking side.

It's just like, really?

Nobody with a blue tie does anything wrong.

Everybody with a red tie is an asshole.

It's almost, It's like fucking political

racism in a way.

But everybody thinks that they're a fucking saint.

You know?

One of the dumbest things ever in those Trump rallies,

somebody had a sign

or a t-shirt that says,

fuck your feelings.

I love how people on the right just think they're so fucking

hardcore and people can't handle the truth. You know what I mean? You know what they're like, people on the right that are like that.
They're like those, you know, like, you ever meet some chick and she'll just say some shit like, you know, guys are intimidated by me, you know, they can't, they can't handle me, you know? And then, you know, joke I used to do with my actors, like, yeah, you ever think maybe you're just a cunt, you know? I mean, that's, I'm not saying you are, but that's definitely a possibility, you know? That could be behind door number three, and that could be the fucking answer. You know, you're self-involved shithead.
I just, I don't know. And then, like, people on the left.
I remember one time I was doing it. I was doing

I had a small part in a movie and we were shooting in New Orleans and at our hotel, like this big Republican convention was coming. So they had this big banner.
It was all in red. So one of the producers on on the on the movie was just she was just like, oh, my God, did you see that banner? I was just like, Jesus, am I in like, where am I right now?

And I just looked at her. I was like, you know, people are allowed to be Republicans.
And she just goes, oh, I know. I'm just being that person.
They fucking drive me up the wall. Well, Chico, aren't you just the perfect fucking person? I'm, yeah, you know what I am? I'm a fucking conspiracy theorist.
And once you become that, you know, you lose a lot of friends, you drive people nuts, but you start trying to look behind whatever the fuck they're showing you. And like, I don't think it fucking matters which person wins this because, you know, the people on the other side, because they're making you fucking pay for the center ice package on TV and now on cable.
They got an extra revenue stream. They're selling all your fucking information.
And they got all this money. They put money on both horses.
So it doesn't fucking matter. So I'm listening to NPR with my wife.
And they just sort of casually mentioned that scientists said the Great Barrier Reef is now dead. And you know what they segued into after that? The results of the Dodgers game.
So, I don't know. I just think, well, we're completely fucked.
And I want to thank whoever created the Great Barrier Reef. I'm sorry we finally wrapped it around a fucking tree.
That's what we're like. We're like a bunch of fucking rich kids.
And our parents bought us this beautiful fucking car. And we're just out there doing neutral drops and fucking slamming it into trees.
And we're going to fuck the whole thing up. You know? But unlike rich kids' parents, I don't think mommy's going to get us another car.
Do you know when I was in fucking high school, there was these two kids, right? These two rich kids. One of them got a fucking Pontiac Trans Am, like a brand new one, the F-Body, you know, the one that everybody fucking loved in the 80s

the knight rider version he got the fucking trans am this kid was like a 16 17 year old kid he had a brand new like 19 whatever 85 86 trans am so the other rich kids parents they're like competing, but this other kid of fucking 1985 or 1986, IROC Z.

I mean, they like competing, but this other kid of fucking 1985 or 1986, IROC Z. I mean, they were pulling up to the school.
Their car was worth twice what their teacher's car was worth. I remember there was this teacher, a foreign language teacher, and he had this giant boat from the early 70s.
And the fucking, the door lock was, like the door wouldn't wouldn't close and to this day there's no excuse for this guy not just getting the fucking door closed out fixed he fucking tied like a quarter inch rope around like the handle of the door and then like 15 times around his headrest and he'd have to get out the fucking passenger side. And one of the great

things about getting old is you stop giving a fuck about what people think about you. But for the most part, that's a great thing.
But in that instance, that was not a good thing. That was not a good thing for people to see because being a teacher is a tremendous, the tremendous profession.
but

you can't show up in a piss yellow

fucking

boat that you got the fucking door tied to the headrest. I mean, as much as you love something, you want to be able to support a fucking family.
I always thought, looking at that, looking back years later, that there might have been a half dozen people that were considering being a teacher. Myself, one of them.
And once you saw that, you're like, yeah, you know what? I don't think I want to do do that i don't want to walk around with a dirty sport coat having to get out the passenger side of my fucking car because i can't even afford to get the goddamn door lock fixed you drove like three of the four years i was in high school this guy would pull up in that fucking car um so anyways these two kids got these cars and um so of course they're driving around like maniacs of course Of course, everybody's drinking and driving. This was the 80s.
This was like, this is, you know, this was some sort of, I don't know. It was an activity that was done.
You went out. You found someone of age to buy you a case of beer.
And then you just drove around town. There was nothing to do.
You drove around town and tried to run into other kids you went to high school with. And they would be driving around, you know, with the 12 pack in their car.
And then you'd be like, where are you going? Then you'd find some dead end street and you'd all go down there. And then the cops would come down and break it up.
And then you'd drive around, everybody would gather someplace else. It was weird.
There was no cell phones and somehow everybody figured out where the hell everyone was going. So long story short, the kid who had the Trans Am ended up fucking, you know, going too fast.

Pushed it past the limit and went flying into a bunch of trees.

Fortunately, they were smaller trees, so the trees lost the battle.

But he totaled his fucking car.

That was right as we were graduating.

So you know what his parents did?

To teach him a lesson, they went out and they bought him a corvette so here's the thing now he's got the corvette he fucked up he totaled his car they went out not only bought him a brand new car they bought him an even better car he had a corvette so now the other kid who didn't fuck up his car is now looking at his iROC like it's a piece of shit. So within three months, he then had a Corvette.
And beyond, you know, so he could one up the other kid, he had a custom interior. He had like all this wood put on the inside of it because the 80s Corvettes, the interior was unbelievably plain.
and that was the last I ever saw of either one of them

because then i graduated except for the kid who got the custom corvette he i ran into a bar ran into him in a bar about two years ago and um he was hammered and proceeded to say some of the most racist shit I've ever heard in my life.

I just sort of slowly backed away like, all right, buddy.

See you in another 30 years.

Anyways, let's read some advertising here at this point.

Let me see if I can find where the fuck I'm at.

Oh, I'm an idiot.

I didn't put the fucking advertising out.

Now you have to listen to all these clickings.

I apologize. Sorry.
I didn't put the fucking advertising out. Now you have to listen to all these clickings.
I apologize.

Sorry.

Sorry.

One last click.

And they're all affordable.

This is really starting to feel like a cult.

Reminds me of the time I almost accidentally joined fucking Scientology.

Right now is your chance.

I didn't almost join it.

I just didn't realize what it was.

You know?

I thought it was an acting class.

It was an acting class, but it was run by Scientology. And they were all like, we have our own parking.
We have our own security. I literally said, and I go, Jesus Christ, I feel like I'm joining a cult.
And the guy's eyes did something weird. And he was trying to figure out if I was being a wise ass or if I was fucking around.
And then once I figured out what it was, I blew him off. And then they kept calling me.
And I finally fucking picked up. And it was like, did we lose you? It's like, yeah.
Yeah, you did. Did I ever tell you guys a Scientology story? I'll read the other advertising later.
This is more interesting. Alright? So, this is like fucking, I don't know how many years ago.
This is... Bill Clinton was still in office, I think, when this happened.

And basically, I need to take an acting class.

I'm living in Los Angeles.

And I needed to take an acting class, right?

So, you know, whatever.

So somebody suggested this fucking place.

And I went over there. I think it was the Beverly Hills Playhouse was the name of this fucking place.
And I went over there and I'm show up for the acting class. And the teacher goes, this is so fucking weird.
He just goes, okay, this big class was packed. And it was a well-known actor too.
So I was like, wow, man, this is going to be a fucking great class. And it was a great class other than the fucking creepy vibe.
So to start the class, the guy goes, okay, does anybody have any news they want to share with the class? Hmm. All right.
So people raised their hands. And basically, it was actors talking about what they booked that week and um you know and there's a thing i guess you know amongst actors as you're starting out you get envious and you get jealous so i guess this was a reaction to this what this that was this whole exercise was about people put their hands up this is like you know fucking the mid 90s or some shit and some would be like yeah i just booked um i booked a guest star on on uh on friends and and then the whole class like ridiculously loud and for a ridiculous amount of time would just go whoa whoa like clapping and screaming like somebody just cured cancer And then it all died down.
I was just like, what the fuck was that? And then somebody else goes, oh, yeah, hey, I just, you know, I just booked a reoccurring on Union Square. Whoa, it's crazy.
So then once that shit dies down, I was immediately like, hey, man, I knew L.A. was a little different, but what the fuck is this? They go, hey, we got a couple of new students here auditing the class.
He just moved here from New York City. Please welcome Bill Burr.
And they clapped and cheered just as loud as they did for the other people that book like friends. But here's the thing.
When they were cheering, no one was looking at anyone. They were just sort of staring straight ahead, clapping and screaming as loud as you possibly could.
And I remember my face turned red. I got embarrassed.
Like, what the fuck? And then that's when I, you know, after the class, we took the first break and the actor teaching the class.

And the actors were great, you know, other than the weird vibe, right?

So I fucking go up there and the guy goes, how you doing?

And I looked and I was like, yeah, doing good.

Because he's a great actor.

He totally read me. He goes, the beginning of the class was, was that a little bit too much? I was like, yeah, it might have been.
So I go on the back, you know, now they're going to try to get the money out of me like every acting class does. This is nothing against Scientology.
So that's when I sat down and that's when the guy was just like, you know, we're very self-sufficient. We have our own security.
We have our own parking.

Everything was their own. And that's when I said, I said, Jesus Christ, you know, I just had to

break the tension. It was so fucking weird.
So I just made this joke. Jesus Christ, I feel like I'm joining a cult.
It was me and this other kid sitting there. I don't know what the fuck ever happened to him.
I don't know if he's clear yet or he fucking moved back to Iowa. I have no idea what but um the guy made like this weird face when I said it.
And so I left and I was like, wow, that was fucking weird. But it was still like it was a good class though, you know? And I really liked acting class and that type of shit.
And so I was still kind of on the fence. And I ended up running to somebody later on on that night I think at the laugh factory and I

mentioned and the person was like where where where was the class and I said it was at Beverly Hills Playhouse and he just goes Bill that's Scientology you'll get the fuck out of here it's an acting class they said no but it's yeah they're trying to recruit you into that religion so I got all fucking weirded out

and

you know they just kept calling

leaving trying to recruit you into that religion. So I got all fucking weirded out.
And, you know, they just kept calling, leaving messages on my fucking answer machine. And then that's, you know, finally, they called again.
And I've been ducking them for like three days. And after three days, I was just like, you know, I thought they were watching me and shit.
I got all fucking paranoid. Not saying they were, but I just, you know I'm a fucking conspiracy theorist.
The last thing I need is an actual cult fucking hounding me. That was not good for my psyche.
So finally after three days, they called again. And that's just – I was like, what am I, a fucking bitch? I can't just call these people up and say go fuck yourself.
So I just picked up the phone. I'm like, hello? And they're like, hey, Beverly Hills Playhouse.
I go, yeah, man, I'm all set. And the guy's like, oh, did we lose you? I was like, yeah, you did.
All right. Don't call me anymore.
And he goes, OK, fine. And then that was it.
They left me alone. But I think it was because it was early on.
So I didn't have to deal with Donald Sutherland when I walked out to my car later on that night just pointing at me like an invasion of the body snatches. You know, not to say that Scientology is any more or less fucked up than my religion.
You know, I've always maintained that if the Inquisition was filmed, like my religion wouldn't exist anymore. That's what happened with the Nazis.
They filmed this shit. So no one's ever going to forget it.
The shit that my religion did was never filmed. So it's just like stick figures and drawings and no one cares.
You know what I mean? But to actually have the actual footage of like, oh yes, not only did it really happen, this is what it looked like. It's a fucking rap.
What am I talking about? All right, let's get back to fucking the subjects here i wanted to talk about instead of scientology and in holocaust footage um what what do we got here what do we got here oh you know what i didn't even mention last i didn't even mention i didn't even congratulate the fucking cleveland indians for sweeping the red socks and um you know i'm wondering if i always pick on Dan Shaughnessy, which, you know, to be fair, isn't fair. But for me to just single him out is kind of funny.
So I'm going to continue just trashing him. Fucking.
I wonder if Dan Shaughnessy or any of those other guys who demanded the Red Sox make a change after we had that fucking collapse in 2012? Was it 2012? We had the collapse in September? Or whatever the fuck it was. I can't remember what the hell it was.
All I remember was however we got rid of Terry Francona was we had basically, you know, we didn't win the World Series. We didn't win the playoffs for how many years in a row.
And then everybody demands a fucking change. Like this guy who won two World Series with us.
Oh, by the way, we hadn't won in 86 years. Suddenly does not know how to win a fucking championship anymore.
So we fucking, you know, the sports writers demand a trade. The ownership fucking gives into it or whatever.
I mean, I'm not saying they actually literally listen to these guys.

But, like, I just would love these sports writers that demanded the Red Sox make a fucking move.

You know, at least acknowledge the fact.

Oh, there's Terry Francona all these years later coming back and sweeping our ass.

You know, the first round of the playoffs.

Theo Epstein is running the Cubs right now.

I don't know. These are all like former Red Sox.
They all knew what the fuck they were doing. Why did we get rid of all of these guys? Theo Epstein is a fucking genius.
This guy's going to break the... He already broke the curse of the babe.
He helped do that. Now he's going to break the curse of the goat.
Right? Automatic Hall of Fame. John Lester's pitching for him.
It's like this whole postseason is just littered with former fucking Red Sox. But you know what? What do I care? We won three.
Who gives a fuck? We won three this decade. Am I actually going to complain about that? Oh, I think I am.
No, not really. I don't give a fuck.
You know what it is? I think it's safe to say, I want to see a Cubs-Indians World Series.

I mean, I like the Dodgers.

Blue Jays, I don't mind.

Although Geddy Lee one time talked shit

about the Red Sox and their fans.

And ever since then,

I just hated Toronto Blue Jay fans.

You know, I blame him.

Geddy Lee from Rush, the bass player. You know? Today's Tom Sawyer's a mean, mean, hmm.
Yeah, so I would love to see that. Both of them.
They're already doing like all this. You know what fucking sucks about being in a drought? Like the Cubs are in.
Like ESPN or all these guys, they just have to fucking sit there and just splice together every fucking horrible thing that happened. And they just try to make it.
I got so sick of that as a Red Sox fan. So I have a lot of empathy for Cubs fans because they don't do it to the Indians.
As much as the Indians fans try to act like they're long-suffering Indian fans, it's like, dude, you know, it's 1948. You've suffered half as fucking long, all right? And then also, nobody was, and I even say this about the Cubs, nobody chants 1908 at you.
You know, the way they chanted 1918. I was at a fucking Devil Rays game back when they were the Devil Rays,

before those dopes thought that sounded too evil. Fucking Clearwater cunts.

They chanted 1918 at us when I went to a game down in Tampa. And they were chanting, I was just

looking at the guys like, are you fucking serious? Yeah, we haven't won in 86 fucking years, but we

still got five more than you. They chanted that at us.
I went to an interleague game at the old

Thank you. They chanted that at us.
I went to an interleague game at the old Veterans Stadium in Philadelphia, and I'm like, these guys went over 100 years. They went from like 1880-something, almost 100 years to 1980, but they had won one in 1980, so that gave them the fucking right to chant that shit at us.
I don't know. And then Cubs fans, you always go in there during the day.
You're taking your shirts off. It just looks like a big keg party.
And it almost looks like you don't even give a fuck. You know what? Fuck it.
Let's see the Dodgers and Blue Jays. No, I don't give a shit.
I'm just, I absolutely love playoff baseball. I don't know what happens.
The second it becomes October, and they throw all those extra microphones, and you can just hear the ball hitting the mitt. It just takes this whole other level of like, the whole mystique of the national pastime just fucking comes to life.
Like, I don't, for the fucking life of me, if they wanted to increase their ratings, to keep whatever those playoff microphones are, where you can just fucking hear everything, you can really hear the sound of the crowd and all of that. If you just would, well, maybe we'd get spoiled.
I don't fucking know. All I know is it sounds completely different, and that adds to the whole thing.
And I've missed every second, every fucking pitch, because I've been working. But I tape my special on Friday and then after that, I'm going to be just – I'm going to watch every fucking pitch.
Oh, I can't wait. I can't fucking wait.
Oh, I'm putting my feet up but I'm going to keep working out because I'm down to basically my – I'm a few pounds. I'm going to be a few pounds over, but I'll be fine for the special.
But I'm going to keep going and get myself into fucking ridiculous shape like I was last year. And the next thing I'm adding to my gym are those fucking Swedish bars.
So that's my goal. By the time I'm 50, I want to be able to do the human flag.
I'm already working on a front lever, which is really fucking hard, man. Just because it's just muscles you don't use.
You ever see somebody do a pull-up and then they just go straight out and they look like they're parallel with the ground as they hold on to a pull-up bar? I've been gradually building up the strength to do that. I can now hang from the bar with my knees tucked up into my chest.
It's all about balance. You actually have to be pretty much behind the bar.
The weight, especially me with my big head, has to be on one side. Then gradually, you start to extend one leg a little bit until you can hold the whole fucking thing.

And I don't know.

Whatever.

I have to be working towards shit like that or like workouts just become –

it's like me trying to write down my jokes.

It just becomes like this unbelievably tedious thing.

All right.

And with that, let's fucking –

is there anything else I wanted to say?

Tennessee, Alabama.

Poor Tennessee.

Jesus Christ. They were fucking rolling there and they just ran into a couple of tough opponents.
Dude, Alabama looks like fucking world beaters. Wisconsin, Ohio State was an amazing game.
I watched that one. Felt bad for Wisconsin, man.
They had that fucking game. And then Dak Prescott of the Dallas Cowboys.
Jesus Christ. The guy looks like a five year vet.
But anyways, I got to tell you this, man. I've been almost a week without losing my shit and it feels pretty good.
Like I got to, I don't know. I got to keep doing this type of stuff because I don't want to be, I don't want to be a rage on my whole fucking life.
And I don't know you guys, oh, that's going to affect your comedy. No, it isn't.
Believe me. I got plenty left in the reserve tank for when I get on stage.
All right, let's read some of your questions here for this week. All right.
All right. Well, here's a note from Andrew.
Bill got tons of emails from people who watched and loved last week's Simpsons episode, as well as this guy who suggests you check it out. Oh, this guy didn't know I was in the episode.
He said, hey, Bill, next time you're trying to get your ginger ass in shape for 20 minutes, turn on the newest Simpsons episode and watch it between your legs during Pilates. There are Patriots in Boston references, and I think you'd really like it.
I hope to hear you laugh about it in the podcast, not on the podcast.

Yes, sir.

I was actually in that episode.

I was the guy who said, we won 12 division titles in the last 10 years, fair and square.

I was the guy in the tunnel.

And I think I did one other. Nia said I did one other one.
I didn't reckon. I think I was in the other room by then.
All right. Westworld.
Not saying I didn't watch and love the episode, but I have like fucking ADD. I can only sit there for so goddamn long.
I'm scatterbrained. All right.
Westworld. Hey, Billy Bot, I'm fascinated with artificial intelligence.
You mentioned Westworld in a 60-minute piece last week, and I wanted to share with you this perspective on AI. Westworld is the most compelling aspect of AI's advancement.
um oh westworld is the most i think he meant to go westworld it, the most compelling aspect of AI's advancement is that when it does in fact surpass the human brain in all aspects and begins to consider self-preservation, it will happen almost completely overnight as far as the public is concerned. I suggest you watch this short TED Talk by Sam Harris.
I actually watched that. We will put up the link.
He also talks about the political implications on the world stage, i.e. would China launch an attack if they thought we were dangerously close to losing control of our technology.
It seems as if... See, this is why, you know, I already can't read.
this guy writes a sentence, it seems as if though you would need all world leaders, as if though, is that, is that grammatically correct? Oh, it seems as if, comma, which isn't there, though you would need all world leaders and tech leaders to focus their efforts on controlling the AI instead of advancing it further, period. I don't know how to read that sentence.
This seems unlikely. It'd be like jerking off to just the point before completion for the rest of eternity.
Good luck out there. Oh, yeah, all the world leaders would want to try to control it.
Yeah, no, yeah, it's not going to happen. I don't understand why we're doing it.
And I don't understand why there has to be these constant technological improvements. It's just all based on money.
I mean, what if it just stopped right here? Like, how fucking great is your life right now? If you're in a first world country, you're not the person putting together these devices that makes our lives so great in a third world country. It's fine.
We should have just fucking, we're just sitting at the blackjack table rather than just taking our winnings and just going back to our room. We're just fucking sitting here and eventually we're just going to crap out.
We're going to lose it all. I absolutely believe that 100 fucking percent.
And I think it is just so fucked up, weird, and bizarre that even if you're not a conspiracy theorist, what is the fucking purpose of making robots to this goddamn level? You know what I mean? It's just a bunch of fucking weirdos at the top. I'm telling you, they want to phase out the rest of us and they just want a bunch of zombies that will do whatever the fuck they want them to do and that they can fuck and do whatever the hell they want to them.
Uh, and then eventually they'll just take them over and they'll fucking kill them. Or is that like one of the many movies that I've watched about it? Uh, anyways, I, you know, I'm a paranoid psycho,

but I think in this instance, I think it's good to be paranoid. All right.
Roommate psycho. Hey there, you freckly bastard.
I've been living with a guy for about six months. We've known each other for about a year.
Everything has been good between us with no issues, which is weird because I never have a good experience with roommates. Well, if you never have a good experience, you got to start looking at yourself.
Either who you're picking or maybe you're the asshole. You know, maybe you're a cunt.
All right. Anyways, over the weekend, I went out of town to visit family.
And while I was away, he got drunk, went into my room, tore up a body pillow on my bed. When I got back, he had a guilty look on his face, told me that what happened, and then apologized.
Needless to say, it was fucking awkward, and all I could say was that strange behavior and tried to break the awkwardness by kind of jokingly asking him not to kill me. Nothing else has been said since regarding the issue.
What do you think I should do? I want talk to a psychiatrist to see what he thinks but i figure you are the next best option in other words you're too cheap to get a professional opinion you're going to ask me uh first things first i get a lock on my bedroom door um dude if you're literally concerned for your safety i would would fucking move out. That's what I would do.
I would basically, I would get another fucking place without telling this fucking person. I would move 80% of my shit over there.
I would then fucking tell him in the presence of one of my friends that I was leaving. And, you know, and I would just, you know, pay for the last half of the month and I would get the fuck out of there.
Dude, if you're honestly, if you're going to go see a psychiatrist and you're worried that this guy is going to do some sort of bodily harm to you, I would get the fuck out of there. I don't care how nice an apartment it is.
I don't give a shit if your name's on the fucking lease. I would just leave.
The fact that he got drunk and went into your room and like violently attacked a body pillow. I mean, and you're sitting there going like, did what, when he, was he so drunk that he went in there, he saw that giant lump and he thought it was me under the pillows and that could have been.
Yeah, fuck that guy. And why do you have to feel awkward around him? Why do you have to break the tension? Yeah, you should have been like, dude, that's, that's completely psychotic behavior.
I need you to fucking move out. You say that after you get rid of all the knives.
Yeah, I would just, yeah, move on. The fuck out of there.
All right, Russia readies for war? War? War? Hey, Bill, did you hear Russia called all its foreign dignitaries back to the homeland? This isn't uncommon before an attack, but also probably just a scare tactic.

If one day someone came on the news and said Russia threatened to bomb the West Coast,

what would your state of mind be?

I would be completely chill.

Would you be like, nah, never going to happen?

Or would you get in your new green car and hit the road with the lovely Nia and Cleo in tow?

No.

No, if Russia attacks us, I want to be the first person to get killed. Yeah, I don't want to live through that.
I have no desire to live through a fucking world war. You know what I mean? It's one thing to actually be in the army.
You know what I mean? And you got a group of pals and shit. But if you're going to be like the fucking, you know, just the old farmer in the town wondering which army is coming up the road next, I don't need that shit.
You know? Yeah. That's like that fucking, the fat fuck there in North Korea when he said he was going to shoot a missile at Los Angeles.
It's like, great. I hope you shoot it right at my house.
I like the way the world is right now. And whatever – I was going to use the word cataclysmic, but I was worried that I wouldn't say it right.
Whatever fucking major thing happens, like I don't want to survive it. I want to be the first person to go and like, you know, yeah, just be sitting there with my fucking little downloaded music, listening to it.
And then it's over. And then when like all the rest of this shit happens, yeah, I don't want to fucking live through it.
Start all over again. You know? Fucking people getting polio again in the mumps.
All right. Cleo eating grass.
Hello, Bill. I owned a dog for 12 years.
Passed away in 2014. Sorry to hear that.
Sometimes when we were out walking, it would dive into the bushes and chew on grass. From my observations, it usually exhibited this behavior if its deworming shots were long overdue, four-month intervals.
Deworming removes irritating flora that has accumulated in the gut. As a result of eating contaminated food or other nasty stuff, your dog may have licked off the floor while you're not around.
A dog that is due for deworming has poor appetite, may vomit food, and sometimes lays down awkwardly due to intestinal cramps. My dog has shown none of those symptoms.
My theory at the time was since dogs are not herbivores, herbivores, I don't know, Ingesting grass was nature's way of getting fibrous roughage into the gut like a broom to sweep out the irritating gut. The end result was that after eating grass, my dog would later throw up a chunk of undigested food or take a huge dump and he would be fine for many weeks after that purge.
Yeah, but my dog eats grass all the fucking time. I hope my explanation was clear enough.
It may not have been proven scientifically or maybe it has. You could look it up.
You could look up dog deworming. But I figured since you've complained about it in more than one podcast and no listeners have written to you about it yet, I could relate my own experiences with that behavior in a dog.
Nevertheless, the best solution would be stick to the dog's deworming shots routine i think we do that congratulations on your new jag thanks for the podcast um yeah i always thought it was like some sort of i thought they ate grass when they were sick um but then she was just kind of doing it all the time um who knows i knows? I mean, who knows what the fuck they put in dog food? So yeah, but we, we always have her up to date on all our stuff. Um, all right.
Road rage. Dear Billiam, I have a solution to your road rage.
Oh, okay. I'm all ears.
It's a tactic I use to keep my cool when I'm behind the wheel, behind the wheel. Bear in mind, this tactic only works if the windows are rolled up.
Whenever you feel the urge to curse or yell, just pretend to do so, mouthing curse words and whatever else you want to say. All right, I'm already out, dude.
That's just fucking weird. I'm not doing that.
I'm not mouthing, fuck you, you fucking cunt. Shake your fists in the air and pretend to slam the steering wheel.
Don't damage that Corinthian leather there. That's hilarious.
Whoever upset you by cutting you off will see you losing your shit and fear for their safety. But the joke's on them.
You're just faking it. You may look like a maniac, but it's also a lot of fun.
Oh, I guess because it's so silly. It takes so much energy and concentration to just pretend to freak out that you quickly cool down and possibly forget what you got mad about in the first place.
I hope this tip helps and congrats on the new car. There's a lot to be said for strength from the pack, especially when it comes to European sports sedans.
Best regards. um yeah you know what i do when somebody cuts me off now in public i just go ah you know nice move

you know i would have done that i try just, I try to find the fucking humor. What I was actually thinking of doing was having a post-it or something, a checklist in my car before I got in the car.
And even if it's as simple as just drawing a smiley face, you know, don't let the cunts win underneath it. And just, I don't know, just gradually driving down the road.
The big thing is, for me, is if I'm late. Because I flip out even when I'm not late.
But if I'm fucking late, which is my fault, I start driving like an asshole. I'm flipping the fuck out.
But I'm really going to work on it. And I've been great for like the last seven days.
But like an asshole, you always hear me on the podcast, too. I go, did you notice? Did you notice, Nia? I'm still like a little fucking kid where I need like the attention and the fucking approval.
So I'm not doing that anymore. I'm not going to do it for her fucking approval.
I have to do this, you know, because it's the right fucking thing to do rather than trying to get praise for my fucking wife over the whole, over the bullshit. But I am, I've decided I'm going to, I'm going to beat this thing because I think I can.
Because I never, I don't know. I never, I never tried to work on it.
Really. You know what I mean? Like I worked on getting better as a comedian.

That happened.

I worked on better at getting drums.

That happened.

I worked on getting a pilot's license.

That happened.

I never worked on my fucking temper.

I just viewed it as like, well, that's how I'm wired.

I don't know what the fuck you want me to do.

All that shit.

So I would like to be, you know, I'm just, I'm just, I'm done being that guy. I'm trying.
I can hear all you guys laughing. Like there's no fucking, this is like, it's just not going to happen.
Like sometimes I feel like I can beat my temper. And then other times I feel like I'm, I'm deciding that I'm going to like, I can't dunk a basketball.

And it's like, well, I've decided that I'm going to learn how to dunk a basketball.

It's just one of those things like, dude, if you have, if you can't jump, you can't fucking jump.

Sometimes it feels like that.

Like literally I'm trying to like, I'm going to learn how to sing too.

You're tone deaf.

You can't fucking sing.

You know, there's just certain things you just weren't born with that gift.

And sometimes I feel like my temper is like that, but hopefully, hopefully that isn't the case. All right, let me read the last couple of advertisements here.
Oh, what's today's date, by the way? October 17th. Okay, we're getting close.
I was just thinking I pre-ordered the new Pretenders album. I think it's coming out soon.
You know, if none of you guys got Chrissy Hines' last solo album, Stockholm, highly recommend that. I actually listened to the Pretenders album when I have to fucking work out, you know, some of their early 80s stuff.
And I know you're thinking like, Bill, don't you listen to like your fucking Guns N' Roses 80s shit? Sometimes it's just so fucking early and I'm so old. Like I need to fucking, I need something a little more like just mellow, you know? Just to try to fucking ease my way into it.
And I've found that, you know, those albums have been great for me. So, all right, there we go.
I think that is the podcast here for this week um i'm scrolling now through my whole itunes i don't understand you know what i can't play any of my fucking music it says too many devices have already been cleared to uh you know to listen to iTunes

so it doesn't let me listen to it anymore. I can't, and I don't remember the passwords of anything else on any other device.
I don't know what other devices they're saying. Does it mean my old laptops that are dead, I got to turn them back on, find the cord, plug them in and do what? You know? Unlet them listen to fucking iTunes? Or does it mean there's too many devices in the house? I have no fucking idea.
As far as I know, it's just my laptop and my phone. How can that be too many devices? But whatever.
All

right, here's the album. Alone.
It hasn't come out yet. The Pretenders Alone.
I know it's coming out in like a week or so. But lately when I've been like lifting, I've been listening to like the whole Learning to Crawl album.
It's actually fucking great for working out. Who would have thought I always always thought you had to have this really aggressive shit.
I don't know. I don't know.
I'm all over the fucking place and I can't figure out. You know, I got kicked off of my own fucking Facebook.
Somebody sent me something for these fucking pictures. I don't know if I got phished or whatever, but now I can't get into my own account.
And they said, the only way I can turn my account back on is if I send them a picture of myself.

And I'm just thinking like,

well, how the fuck do you know what I look like?

So I'm officially done with Facebook.

You know?

Like, let's see.

Okay, you know what?

Let me see if I can go onto Facebook right now.

Let's see if my computer will let me.

My phone won't.

This is just extra time, people.

This isn't even the podcast anymore.

This is just you. Yeah people.
This isn't even the podcast anymore. This is just you.

Yeah, see? I'm done.

Email or phone. I don't even recognize.

I fucking hate this shit. Now what I gotta do?

I gotta spend like another 20 hours trying to figure this out? It's not even worth it to me.

Why do I

care if someone phish my fucking account anyways?

What are they going to do with it? You know what I mean?

Congratulations.

You have my Facebook account.

See? There you go.

There's a new me. The old me would have flipped out.

I just don't give a shit anymore.

You know what? You win.

You win, Facebook. You win,

technology, you fucking cunts.

Alright, that's the podcast for this week.

Thank you for listening.

Thank you to everybody who's been coming out to my shows this week in D.C.

And I'm really looking forward to putting this thing to bed come this Friday at the Ryman in Nashville, Tennessee.

And then old Freckles is on fucking vacation for the rest of the year.

Cannot wait.

All right, go fuck yourselves.

And I'll check in on you on Thursday. What's up, everybody? Welcome back to the Anything Better podcast, NFL edition for week number seven.
How the hell is everybody doing with your hosts here? Paul Berzi over here, Bill Burr over there. We got Jake the Snake from an undisclosed location.
And of course, we got the Beverly Hills kid, aka the Greek freak, Andrew Themblis. Guys, before we get into the show, we have to shout out our sponsor.
It's the BetMGM app. You guys know it.
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How does it work? You download the app, okay, on your device and you use our code. That's code burr.
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than that. Uh, you'll get the money back in bonus bets.
So it's all good. Bet responsibly guys, the anything better podcast had a very good week with myself and bill going three in one, giving the show a total of six and two for the week bill.
We're right there. We're right there at 11 and 13.

No, no, no, no.

We're not going to gloss over

what Paul Verzi has been doing

the last three weeks, what he's been doing the last three years. Paul, you're September.
You're September. September looks like presidential debates over the last couple of elections.

But dude, you're October.

You picked nine of the last 12 games.

Yeah, if I was a pitcher.

Every year, Paul, people write you off in September.

When are they going to learn?

I know.

You're like a great fighter, Paul. You come out, you're throwing some jabs,

you're just feeling them out or whatever.

You're a little this, a little that. And then September.
Okay. Round three, round three

comes to paint. No, you know what it is? If I'm a baseball pitcher, the skipper calls me in the

office and he says, we're going to keep you off the, the, the, uh, the division series roster.

And then he goes and we'll see it. We'll see in the ALCS.
That's what he said.

No, but you got to have your blow up games first. That's true.
We got to get these things done in the dog days of July and August. Sorry, but I'm outside today.
It's a long fucking story. It's all good.
Yeah, it's all good. It's all good.
So I got my safari hat out here like I'm on the Serengeti. You know what I've noticed about those animal videos? They're slowly starting to realize that you're not part of the car.
That's what the truck, that's what gets them to stop. You look like a giant fucking, you know, rhinoceros with wheels like they don't know what to do with you.
But now they're starting to like they're starting to realize that you're not part of the car, that they can kind of snatch you out of the car.

Once that goes around the Serengeti,

Paul.

Andrew,

right after Bill says that you have to edit in the picture of that lion,

the female lion walking next to the van.

And the guy is sitting up there looking and the lion's looking at him and he

just turns his head in slow motion and sees her. And she's just looking at him.'s incredible, dude.
I'll say, you got to see. It's terrifying.
Yeah. That's unbelievable.
Yeah. No, they're starting to figure it out.
Bears can open car doors. Oh my God, dude.
These big cats, you know, dude, they talk, you know, they don't like us. The, you know, I think that that, you know, something that could bring the entire animal kingdom together to kill a bunch of fucking people that look like me on a safari.
So they could get a win. You think they like living on that little strip of fucking grass as everybody gets a pool? Yeah, dude, those people are out of their minds.
Those people that go on those African safaris and they're they're like no we're in jeeps they know where the animals are the animals know fuck that dude fuck yeah that's that's like getting in a cage with a shark swimming with dude and you're sitting there in the fucking if you're it's a convertible you're in a fucking convertible this like how come i don't get a gun too like what happens if if somebody takes you out now? What? Yep. Yeah.

I agree.

Fucking you gotta,

everyone's gotta have a loaded 12 gauge and know how to use it.

I was on that thing with you.

I would elbow you and I would pick out somebody that was just fat enough

that we could throw over the side just to get enough time.

Just get enough time to overpower the driver and get the fuck out of

there.

What did you like? And what did you like this week? You had a good week. What did you see? Paul, you saw my text last week.
I looked at the lines and said I might as well be reading Chinese. I don't see anything, Paul.
I don't get anything. I don't get like the fucking Saints are plus three at home against the Broncos.

I mean,

I know they got their ass kicked last week.

I kind of like that one.

I don't,

I don't get,

I don't get the Buccaneers.

The Buccaneers scored like fucking a hundred points the last two weeks.

Yeah.

And now they're at home against the Ravens and their underdogs.

That's basically saying the Panthers and the saints are barely in the NFL,

which is essentially what we've been saying about the NFC South, that it is the DMZ.

Unless Tom Brady's down there with Blankowski and half the fucking Patriot roster, like nobody knows what's going on down there.

No.

And I'm starting to think that's how they like it, Paul.

Yeah, I think.

There are lines right there, Paul.

What are you looking at?

We got to talk to Jake the Snake about some of the. Listen, I think people are starting to be who they are.
I believe in the Ravens, Kansas City Chiefs. I mean, you're going up against the commissioner there.
I would say – who else did I like? Ravens, the Chiefs, 49ers. They're starting to get healthy.
Believe in Brock Purdy. The Lions.
I mean, those are sort of the top four right there I feel I think the Ravens like you said that was the one I think the Ravens are really starting to become the team that everybody thought they were going to be at the beginning of the year um that's America's team for the AFC I feel they're good like everybody wants that we we gave up on the bills I don what's, I feel like the bills are in like, you know, a post Stefan digs kind of thing where this might be a little bit of a hangover year. I'm not saying they're done, Paul.
All right. I would never say that to a group of people that have to deal with Lake effect snow.
You know, I don't think they're done, done. I think I like Josh Allen.
He's still young, still lowering that shoulder, running over people. Enjoy that while that last fall.
Right around 28, he's going to start stepping out of bounds. Dude, that Josh Allen throw.
That Josh Allen throw where Bill Belichick was watching it with the Manning brothers on the Manning cast. And Belichick's going, don't let him get out of the pocket.
Don't let him get out. Don't let him get out.
And he gets out and he just throws like on the run and it's a perfect pass. And Belichick just had to look like they almost didn't let him do it, but he did it.
And I was like, yeah. And dude, Aaron Rodgers and the jets, who would have thunk it with their defense? They are in a must win this week.
Must win. I mean, they're in a must win every week.
Yeah. Well, no one's really running away with the division.
So I don't know that it's a must win. I think it's a just to try to do that, that, that.
I mean, I would feel bad for Aaron Rodgers, but it's like, dude, you joined the Jets. I mean, you knew what you were signing up for.
Like, what are you doing? Jake the Snake, how you doing, buddy? Good, good. What do you guys think of the trades with Devonta Adams going to the Jets and now Amari Cooper on the Bills? Those are two pretty big moves.
Big move, really big move. Takes the Bills to another level, you know, I think think And he's good, Amari Cooper is good What's the injury report looking like, Jake? Well, for the Saints I think I see why they're plus three Because Carr is going to be out again Their top two receivers are going to be out as well And Olave and Shahid And Andrew was saying they've played like three games In like the last 17 days Yeah yeah i saw something somebody was saying something about that too three games in 10 days so they're probably going to be pretty tired broncos had a bad loss to the chargers um so i think that's a trap game yeah exactly i don't like i don't like that game at all yeah those absolutely suck and the saints are fucking exhausted backup Backup quarterbacks and all of that shit.
I don't know. And Sean Payton's going back to New Orleans.
Oh, he is? When? With the Broncos, I'm saying he's going. Oh, I thought that he had run the fourth.
I don't know what's going on. I'm the housewife of this show, everybody.
We messed up last week. We messed up last week because it was going on if we were doing this for the third season.
This is the fourth. So Bill should have went first last week.
So Bill, you're going to go first two weeks in a row. You got the floor, buddy.
All right. I had the bye last week.
Let's see here. What am I going to do? All right.
I'm going to go with the 49ers minus one and a half at home. I think Roger Goodell has heard too much chatter out there that the referees are just always for the Chiefs.
And I think this is a good look for the NFL if they decide to let the 49ers actually win this game. As opposed to letting the Chiefs hold ridiculously on both sides of the line on the final fucking.
I like the 49ers, the 49ers to, to get a little bit of the credibility back that the NFL is starting to lose. Paul, are you meditating or did you just freeze up there? All right.
I'm looking. All right.
That, that, that, uh, I think they're going to get some of, uh, I like the 49ers at home. All right.
I think they're going to get some of – I like the 49ers at home.

All right.

I like that.

My pick, my first pick this week, I am going to go with –

I'm going to go with Aaron Rodgers getting Devontae Adams back.

The reunion they had in Green Bay is back,

and I think the line two is –

I think the Jets should beat them by more than that.

I'll see you next time. Reunion they had in Green Bay is back, and I think the line two is – I think the Jets should beat them by more than that.
I think the – you know, the only thing the Steelers have is the coach, but I don't know about this new coach. Yeah, defense too.
Yeah, I like the Jets' defense, and I like the Jets' weapons, and I think the Jets are pissed after that B's loss. And now they have a ridiculously double-headed monster at wide receiver in Garrett Wilson and Devontae Adams.

So I will be taking the New York Jets.

No excuses, A-Rod.

No excuses to Rodgers this week.

That's it.

That's it.

No crying. You know what?

I believe in Paul Verzi in October.

I'm doing what I've been doing every week, betting against my Patriots. They can't take cabin cover to spread in a fucking month.
They're playing the Jaguars at home. This is a nice win for the Jags.
They need a frigging win. I know we got, what's his face, Drake May was looking all right, throwing it around the yard a little bit last week, but I still think it's new.
It's in London, Bill. It's in London, if that makes any difference.
it's in London. It doesn't make any difference.
Yeah. Um, well, I think more people in new England have the money to go to London than they do in Jacksonville.
If I'm to believe the stereotypes, um, yeah, I'm just, I'm going to take the Jaguars. Oh shit.
At least the game will be on TV. I can fucking see it.
I'll take the Jaguars minus five. Okay.
Jake, what's the situation with the Colts? Colts quarterback? Sounds like it'll be Flacco until further notice. But yeah, it's still unclear.
But I think we're looking at Flacco again. Also, I think I messaged the chat, but Russell Wilson said it's still unclear but i think we're looking at flacco again also i think i messaged the chap but russell wilson what happened to anthony richardson again he got hurt uh i think it was the shoulder or oblique i don't really know where that is in the body um but yeah the oblique that would be right here yeah jake you're not fooling everybody we know you got the personal trainer we know what's going on you just messed the hair up when you do the podcast.
I know what you look not fooling everybody. We know you got the personal trainer.
We know what's going on.

You just messed the hair up when you do the podcast.

I know what you look like on the weekend.

Gators, bitches, where'd Jimmy's?

You know, I watched Back to School last night.

What a movie.

Oh, it's fantastic. Back to School is one of my all-time favorites.
He goes, A, B, C, you're in the top three. What about how Rodney, if he's standing up, he can't even stay still.
Like, his leg is always, like, shaking. He has, like, restless legs.
Like, the big one was when he did Caddy Shack, because I think that was his first sort of big role. Like he was just like, he was just moving around the entire time.
I like when he goes, I like when he goes, Jason, when I, when I dreamed about going to college, this is exactly what I pictured. He goes, when did you dream about going to college? He goes, when I fell asleep in high school.
He was just doing his act. All right.
You know what? I'm going to change it up right now. I'm going to take my Giants getting three points against the Eagles at home.
We're getting Malik neighbors back. We had a heartbreaker with no kicker last week again, and the Eagles aren't that great.
I like us getting the points. I'll take the Giants getting three at home.
What's going on down in Philadelphia, man? Dude, I've seen so much shit on Instagram of Eagles fans just losing their minds. No, they're saying that the coaches.
It was like it all fell apart last year in like November and they haven't been able to get it going again. No, they were saying the coaches like the coaches on the hot seat to the point where like he's bringing his kids in the press conference.

Oh, dude, that, that.

I mean.

How you doing, little buddy?

Any course of the storm, I guess.

But Jesus.

Don't touch the mic.

Don't touch the mic, little buddy.

Don't touch the mic, okay?

You know, he's having a good time.

You know that shit?

He's happy to be here.

You want to answer any questions? You know, those, you want to answer any questions? You got any questions for him? Probably knows more than me. Yeah.
This is my neighbor. She's got stage four breast cancer.
Why don't you come over and sit down next to me? Okay, let's talk about the game. They're all wearing pink.
There's a make-a-wish kid. Sick.
Bald.

Just fucking.

All right.

Just to let you guys know, I wanted to show you,

this is the newest member of our family.

He pulls out a puppy out of his shirt.

We might have to move into homes.

Yeah.

Oh, shit. Why did I go for it on fourth down in that situation?

Why did I go for it on fourth down In that situation Why did I go for it on fourth down buddy Alright I'm just Delaying here Wounded warrior They would have everything Some fucking feminist saying something It's Halloween everybody We're going to bring out transitioning nick sirianni to answer your questions i can't give him the hard-hitting ones i'll look trans-a-phobic all right i i got nothing paul do you want to take the next pick i i don't have anything okay uh i should have done my homework here but last week it didn't matter. I love the Ravens, dude.
But I don't know. This just seems like that seems obvious.
I know. You know what, Paul? I'm just being weird lately.
I'm just going into DMZ, you know? I'm like that guy after a divorce who goes out and buys a fucking motorcycle or something. Just fuck it.
I'm going to get out. I'm going to take the Buccaneers plus three and a half at home.
Oh, oh, oh, yeah. That makes no sense, Paul.
It makes no sense. It does.
It does. Because the Buccaneers are good.
And I love that half a point in your favor. They're really good out there.
You've always been a great friend. But sometimes, you know, you got to give me tough love.

I am a good friend.

You're a fantastic friend.

I mean, I'm there, dude.

I'm there.

You need me, I'm there.

Phone call in person, I'll hop on a fucking flight, dude.

You never had a friend like me.

It's like Lion King.

You ain't never had a friend like me.

That's Aladdin, dude.

Aladdin, whatever.

You said it was such confidence i believe for people watching at home he's not exaggerating even remotely no no no i'm not even remotely that's one of the first things he said to me he's like bill i love you i'll help you move a body you think I can I go I said I'll help you move a body. You think I can just watch it? He's like, wow, that escalated.
I said, I'll help you move the body, and then I'll ask you later at the diner. Hey, what was that about? As I'm eating my eggs.
What did that guy do? All right. I like the Buccaneers pick.
The half a point in your favor just gives you a good feeling, doesn't it? I love getting that. The Bills are minus nine and a half, dude.
That line is really high, dude. It's too high.

It jumped up, too. It jumped up,

and I just, yeah.

I mean, the Titans are bad, but are they that bad?

I don't know.

Everybody's jumping on it because he got the new

fucking wide receiver, so everybody's thinking,

oh my God, dude, they're going to light it up.

Only one of

those teams. Maybe your Jets will light it up.
How about this? How about this? I'm going to take the Lions over the undefeated Vikings, getting one and a half. I love that.
Sam Darnold has still not had a clunker. But you know what? The Lions are really good.
I'm going to take the Lions to beat their division rival. Yeah.
Well, I just want to commend you on a one and a half spread. That at no point did you say, I mean, it's a pick-em.
I know. I mean, that's your catchphrase.
This is basically a pick. I've seen you go all the way up to three points.
It's basically a pick. No, two and a half.
I think two and a half of that. It's four and a half.
How much is he up? Jake, what were you saying? I'm going to take the Packers at home. I was going to say that Lions defensive end broke his leg at the end of the Cowboy game.
I don't know if you tell them. The Lions are still an awesome team.

I like that pick a lot, actually.

Jake, you know what you are in this country? You're like the fucking

money manager.

You know what I mean? I'm going to get that fucking

boat. Actually, a boat is a really

bad investment.

I mean, everything you were saying

about the Lions beating the Vikings totally made sense

because I'll just let you know their about the Lions beating the Vikings totally made sense. And it comes out, just to let you know,

they're best defensive and broke his leg.

They're a really tight-knit group, all four of them.

And the other three defensive linemen are devastating.

All right.

I don't know why I just said I just like it.

Jake, I'm going to get a hooker and some Coke in Vegas.

I mean, have a good time, but you are married with children.

It could be really bad if your wife finds it.

I know you haven't been

hearing the stories lately, but the fentanyl

issue in cocaine is still a real thing.

Just because we're close to the presidential election

that they're bringing it up.

Jake, we love you, dude.

You're one of the reasons why we've been picking well. Jake, always with that information, Paul.
Every great sports show needs a Jake the Snake. But you know what? Not our Jake the Snake.
He's with us. He's with us.
That's right. That's right.
And you don't get fired like fucking TBS. All right.
Packers minus two and a half over the Texans. I don't give a fuck.
I don't know why I'm just taking the game, Paul.

That's three now. That was three on the updated lines I sent.

It's three. Packers are given three.

Not on the updated one. The updated ones say two and a half.

Oh, all right. Okay.

I think that was the one that I said, let me see,

the one that switched back that I texted you guys What, that switched back to three? Yeah, it went back Dude, my brain hurts, I don't give a fuck I'm taking the Packers What are we doing here? Taking a three What's the worst case scenario, Andrew? I watched the Packers-Texans game It's going to be fantastic fantastic. It's, you know, you got birds singing either way.
Good. All right, Jake the Snake, do we have any injuries for the Washington Commanders? I believe we don't.
I believe we don't. I'm going to take the Washington...
Oh, why do I look like I'm in an NSYNC video right now with like that halo on my head? It looks good. You look good, dude.
All you need to do is chip out. The shine is on another level.
I might have to go as Kojak for Halloween. I'm going to take the Commander's minus eight and I'm going to use my good friend Bill Burr's word over the hapless, hapless.
Bill, you taught me hapless. I'm going to take the Commanders minus eight over the hapless Carolina Panthers.
I was thinking about that game, dude. I like that.
I like that pick, dude. Yeah.
I like Paul Bursey in October. You know, I mean, we'll see.
I did take the Giants. I don't answer the call calls me in September.
I don't pick up the phone. It's all like, dude, I don't know what's going on.
It's just, it's gloom and doom. Bill's just privately, secretly writing the opposite thing of what I'm saying in September to make his money.
Dude, that's what I'm going to do next year. Next year, you get to pick first and I'm'm just going the opposite of whatever you're doing.
Listen, Bill. Then it'll all fall apart for me in October.
You know what it is? It's the foliage on the trees. When those colors come, Paulie sees it better.
Hey, Bill, you know what? I like weather. I love weather.
I'm a weather guy. I am.
That's another classic Ferzie quote. I like weather.
I mean, who doesn't like a storm, dude? What are we doing here? There's something wrong with you if you don't like a storm. Yes.
Like, listen, not that shit that happened in Tampa and North Carolina. I don't want biblical stuff, Paul.
No. No.
I don't need Jesus going by in a jet ski flipping me the bird as I'm bailing out my fucking living room. I don't need that, Paul.

No.

But I'm just saying.

No, you're saying.

A nice nor'easter.

A nice nor'easter, Paul.

How about dark and gloomy 2 o'clock in the afternoon rainstorm?

You hear it hitting the fucking roof and the windows.

It's nice.

Dark.

It's beautiful.

Oh, Paul, you're fucking asleep with your mouth open on a Davenport.

Oh, dude.

One dark sock on. Oh, dude, I got a pillow between my knees, fetal position, watching a movie.
Kidding me? Dude, the amount of mobsters that got whacked during an afternoon nap. They always seem to be smoking a cigar out on a patio.
I can never tell if it's just Italians know how to live or they wait till you when you're nice and relaxed before they whacked you. But the amount of guys, they're out to dinner.
You guys are smoking cigars. You're taking a nap.
You're with your mistress. I mean, there's always something great happening right before they whack you.
No, Italians let you eat. They let you eat the meal.
They have to the affogato. Then we come in guns blazing all right? Because, listen, the kid's got the antipasta.
Let him finish the antipasta before. Oh, by the way, not only, not only.
Oh, they asked you first. How was the veal? Is the veal all right? All right, I'm going to get that.
All right, get in the front seat. Dude, not only did Bill go 3-1 and I go 3-1, we hit a Monday night special.

We hit it.

Oh, Paul, we got him on the run here.

Is that our second one of the year?

Second one in six weeks.

That's right.

Once every month and a half.

I mean, why would you watch another sports show?

I mean, what are we doing here?

All right, so what's the Monday night special this week? Two games. Ravens, Bucks, Chargers, Cardinals.
Two good games. What's the – oh, the Cardinals line is what is that, two and a half or three and a half? Three and a half? Two and a half.
I like how the Cardinals are playing, Paul. Do you? Wow.
Yeah, they've been playing great. Kyler Murray's back, and he's not, like, fucking having to run around like around like a water bug He can actually throw the ball he's got a little bit of protection I think they did a lot of good things down there Paul I think people might be a little bit too high On the charges Look you know what I'll go with that You want to take the car Sorry Jake Jake is twitching in his seat.
I literally just thought, what do I need? Kyler Murray actually lost his right arm. What happened? Well, they are down a pretty key receiver, but you know, other than that.
Wait, wait. No Marvin Harrison? No Marvin Harrison, yeah.
Oh. Oh, that's a biggie.
That is a biggie biggie. All right, fuck that game.
All right, Paul, what about the Ravens-Buccaneers? I know I'm just the Buccaneers, but I don't give a shit. That's just me.
Okay, that's me driving it into the wall. I want to win these people some money.
Well, you knows. We could take the Ravens money line, which means you could still win your bet.
Paul, I want to make a highlight video of your picks in October and have that Mark Wahlberg thing, you know, from boogie nights. You got the touch.
You got the power.

Yeah.

But then in September,

you just see all the horrible things. Remember in Naked Gun when he went to the...

No, but that's September. After all

is said and done,

this is something.

You're a winner.

No, it's like a great movie. All right.
let's get back to it. What do you think? You know, sometimes when I see you guys on the West Coast, Bill, me and you, why I mean, me and you need to be sitting a Cuban seat right now, laughing our balls off, smoking a stick.
I mean, a stick I mean what's that's good for our longevity that we don't live down the street from each other oh yeah dude I would still be drinking I would be like 40 pounds heavier if I lived in the same zip code as you dude I'd be knocking on your door if we were like neighbors or like even like a like a like a town away like a little couple like blocks away. And I'd knock on your door when Stacy and I fought and I would just go, dude, you want to smoke these? And I would just have two cigars.
Yeah. Paul, we would be divorced sharing a fucking two bedroom within 18 months.
Yeah. But it'd be a nice two bedroom.
It would be a nice two bedroom. That led, that living room would be fucking hooked up.
Dude, our wives would be coming over being like, you don't even miss, I mean, you're just over here having the time of your life, aren't you? Well, yeah, kind of. I would use the pool more than you.
Paul, he's easy to live with. I mean, I don't want to say, he's asleep most of the times.
It's like, I don't even have a roommate oh i'm an easy roommate yeah i would be all that not paul's better not cricket what do you know about cricket bill would tell a little more than i used to bill would tell his friends he'd be like no no he's he's in his room till one don't worry about him don't don't don't you know you don't get paul you let paul come to you you let Paul, that's what I learned doing the road with Paul. I never knock on it.
Let him sleep. Let Paul wake up.
You can stay in a motel six. If you let Paul wake up, he'll come walking out like, dude, how big were those beds? I mean, I could live here.
That was like, no, you guys don't think so. That was one of the most comfortable beds ever.
But you know what? It's better than the other thing. The other thing is that guy you go on the road with that's like, hey, dude, you want eggs at like seven? Yeah, nah, dude.
Have fun, dude. I'll see you at lunch.
The drug guy or the pussy hound. All of those guys.
Yeah. All of those guys.
Yeah, yeah. Bill, we worked.
We worked. We were a match made in heaven.
We did our work and now look at us. All right.
Okay. We'll do Baker Mayfield to throw one? Yes.
What's the rushing under over for Lamar Jackson? Do you want to do Lamar or Derek Henry? No, I just want to see Lamar because we hit it with Josh Allen.

Let me see.

My guess is going to be 26.

Lamar Jackson, Derrick Henry.

What the fuck was I thinking?

You know what?

Because it makes no sense.

After all is said and done.

Oh, wow. Puzzle win.
Lamar Jacksonar Jackson 51 and a half Is it really? That's a lot dude Let's go under You gotta go under Alright we'll go under Lamar Jackson 51 and a half yards to rush We'll do Baker Mayfield to throw one And what do you want to do Bill? Ravens money line, which means you could still win your bet. I know I don't give a shit to it.
I listen. This is about the making the people, the listeners money here.
All right. So let's do that.
We'll do Ravens money line, Lamar Jackson under 51 and a half rushing yards and Baker Mayfield to throw a touchdown for the bill. You didn't sing it.
You haven't sung it in a couple of weeks.

Oh, well, maybe that was the jinx.

Okay.

Maybe me not singing.

All right.

All right.

That could be.

Well, we'll put it out to the fans.

You want me to fucking sing out of tune again?

I already did the fucking boogie nights.

Remember, we need to switch it up.

That's true.

I think they definitely want you to sing.

If you leave it up to the fans.

We'll just switch up the lyrics.

Paul's got the touch.

Paul's got the motion.

Well, we're both 11 and 13, Bill,

which means me and you could come out of this week ahead of the book

going into week eight, baby.

All right.

Yeah.

We'll see.

All right, guys. There you have it.
Andrew, are we still doing the touchdown special? Yeah. All right.
So guys, the BetMGM does a cool thing with the touchdown special. You pick and bet on the person you think that's going to get the first touchdown in the game.
And guess what BetMGM does for you? If that person does not get the first touchdown of the game, but in fact gets the second touchdown, you still get your stack. I mean, that's your money back.
You get your money back. You get your money back.
Okay. You don't lose the stack.
Take it easy. Take it easy.
Give you a stack. Okay.
No, you get your money back. Download the BetMGM app guys on your device.
Use our code, the anything better code, which is Burr. B-U-u-r-r it's very simple all you do is put up to ten dollars deposit and um you get fifteen hundred dollars in bonus bets uh even if the bet loses if the bet does lose you just put you know you put the code in and you get the the bonus bets right andrew fifteen hundred yes there you go those are our picks for week number seven, everybody.
On behalf of myself and Jake the Snake and Bill Burr out there and the Beverly Hills kid, we'll see you next week. And guess what? We want you guys to be responsible, right, Bill? Isn't that what we're doing? We're doing this for fun.
Yeah, don't be a moron. No.
Just bet what you can lose. We might have a special guest next week.
Look what I found. Really? Oh, we might have a special guest.
We might have a special guest. Look what I found.
Really?

Oh,

Oh,

we might have a fun guest next week.

We're going to have a fun guest who knows football next week.

If I,

if I,

yeah.

Right.

Yeah.

Um,

okay.

So there we go.

Uh,

we'll see you guys next week.

Thank you guys tune for tuning in and,

uh,

good luck.

Paul's got the touch. All right.
See you.