Monday Morning Podcast 10-14-24

Hey, what's going on? It's Bill Burr, and it's time for the Monday Morning Podcast for Monday. Well, I don't know what October 13th.
We're gonna say this the 13th. I have no idea 2024.
What's going on? How's it going? Oh, Billy fucking biscuits over here. Trying to get back into working out after the flu.
The flu fucked me up. I was on my way to be in, you know, in shape.
And then I just messed up. I put on like another two, three.
So now, you know, I had to stop. You know, fucking old man, Billy.
I got to take a walk. The hill's too steep.
I got to go down it backwards so my knees don't fucking hurt. I mean, what happened? That's something they don't tell you when you get into hiking and you fucking, you see these people like, you ever like you're on a hike and you think you're hiking at a good pace and somebody jogs past you? If you're into Schiedenfreude, like the Germans over there,

that person's fucking knees

are going to be absolute fucking junk

by the time they're like 50.

It's going to be bone on bone.

However, who knows?

With today's technology,

maybe they'll be able to grow

some cartilage for you

while you're down there at the supermarket

or whatever the fuck it is. Why is it so goddamn hot in here? Well, Bill, because you live in a desert, you know, maybe that's what it is.
Oh, my God. How many fucking options could there be on this thing? I don't.
Am I the only person that feels like, is it just me? It just feels like everything is just fucking it's reached its peak. You know what I mean? Like, how many more bells and whistles can they add to a fucking automobile to try and get you to get the new fucking thing? Oh, you fucking cunt.
This stupid door just closed already. I swear to God.
When you live in a city that has earthquakes, like, you know, your fucking house, it says, well, it never really stops settling. And then you just have like doors and they just like open on their own because you didn't quite close it all the way because your house is slightly leaning, but you, you know, you haven't really figured that out, you know? And then, then, then you think your place is haunted.
And next thing you know, you're on one of these stupid shows that like, well, those ghost hunter shows that like fucking 12 at night um you mean midnight bill yes that's what i mean some people say midnight i say 12 at night um anyway so uh back into the whole fucking workout gang i just gotta you know i also was saying like you know what i can have one cup cup of coffee a week i know you guys are sick of this but like i literally have to do this i just go fucking nuts with something right and uh the weekend came and went i was like nah you know you know what i'm good i know me you know although i made some pumpkin bread today i mean you can't tell me having a fucking cup of coffee with that's not going to be the shit. But at my age, I have a cup of coffee and a slice of pumpkin bread for breakfast, and I will be face down on a couch.
I might as well roofie myself. Yeah, it's unreal.
I went to this amazing party Saturday night, and I literally stayed there for like 40 minutes.

I was just like, I love everybody here.

I'm fucking tired.

Tired.

I had a great night.

I had dinner with a buddy of mine,

and then I went over to the comedy store.

And of course, I didn't record it.

And I just was riffing on the new shit that I have,

and it was like just, you know, it was fucking, I pitched the perfect game for me, for where my act is.

And I didn't record any of it.

And then I came home and I tried to tell Nia what the fuck I said.

And she was just staring at me like that.

I was like, well, I forget how I said it.

Oh, well, that's what you do.

You're just like, well, I guess that that was just for that crowd. Or, Bill, you could be organized and you could record it.
You could do that. Speaking of getting organized, I got woefully behind in the MotoGP races.
And I watched like 10 of them in the past week.

It's fucking amazing.

I don't even know where to begin with this season.

How about race number four?

The old day, Mark, it was like the old days with Marquez and Davizioso, except it was Pekka Bignalle.

It's Italian names.

It's so hard to say.

Fabio DG Antonio.

It's like 58 letters. Most of them are vowels.
That's a thing. If you were doing Wheel of Fortune in Italy and you said I would like to buy a vowel, you'd fucking go broke.
You'd have no money. I still feel like the game, I don't know if you guys remember, way back in the day when you won they they you didn't go over and then try to solve the last prize to see you know for a bunch of money um that's a cheap ass show man that show is fucking tight like that last puzzle the clue they give you and how fucking abstract it is like they they they do not like giving away money on that show.
Me and Nia always watch that fucking show, especially when she was like being the third trimester. We would just be watching that show, having a great fuck.
I still love the show, but like whenever they, of course I can't think of an example. It would be like, oh, God.
You know, this is the thing. And it would be like an aspirator tube, which for some reason I still remember because I just got a new muffler on my truck.
And it was still doing that, going down the fucking street. So I had to bring it back.
Yeah, it is a problem. You got a busted aspirator tube.
Oh, is that what the fuck it is well i already paid for a muffler you fucking greasy cunt um well bill maybe you needed both things um anyway back in the day when you won when you were the grant you know you won the most money they just had this fucking it looked a yard sale of shit. And it was just shit.
I've talked about this. I think I've talked about this before.
It was always like a grandfather clock. And then there was a brass bed frame, which for whatever reason, I guess that that was considered like luxurious.
For $700, I'll take the brass bed frame. For $800, I'll take the grandfather clock, which is so funny.
Like a grandfather clock only looks good in one of those old haunted-looking houses. Like, you know those awful Victorians? Is anybody into those houses? I fucking hate a Victorian.
You know, I don't mind a garrison colonial. I'm an East Coast guy.
I can deal with the garrison colonial, especially if you went to New England Brickmaster

and they did something to the front

of it. You know, you got some

aluminum siding.

That was a big move.

You got away from the wood and

you got aluminum siding.

And who would think that

years later, decades later,

you know, drug addicted

zombies would be taking half your house

Thank you. And who would think that years later, decades later, you know, drug addicted zombies would be taking half your house off so they could go get another hit of crack? Because the government let it in for whatever fucking deal they were making with somebody else.
Anyway, where was I even going with that? Oh, I was talking about motorcycle racing. So that race was amazing.
And then I watched every race from like August 10th up to Japan.

And,

um,

just all of this amazing drama. And one of the,

my favorite things was when,

uh,

Jorge Martin,

right.

I forget where the hell they were at.

It started raining and they're all riding around the track.

And it was like,

you know,

when they do the,

the rider's point of view,

you could see it was significant amount of rain. So they go by the pit lane, and Jorge Martin, who's in second place and was leading by like 10 points for the season for the championship, he's the only guy who goes in to get his rain bike, which doesn't have the slicks on it.
It actually has, you know, the rain tires, right? So he jumps on that thing and goes from second place to 15th. So I'm thinking, oh, this is going to be amazing.
Everybody else is on the slicks on it actually has you know the rain tires right so he jumps on that thing and goes from second place to 15th so i'm thinking oh this is going to be amazing everybody else is on the slicks he's got the rain tires i'm going to get to watch him fucking eating everybody up going through is he going to have enough time because it was like five six laps into the like a 20 i don't 24 lap race or whatever and uh the poor bastard jumps on the fucking rain bike comes back out he's in 15th place goes through like one chicane and the rain just stops and then he couldn't pass for whatever reason like that's how dialed in these bikes are if you just have grooves in your tire for rain and it's not raining and i have slicks and i'm always in 14th place and you're always in first second or third now you can't pass me it was unreal um what else uh pedro costa watching him you know racing great making mistakes but still you know just knowing that that he's going to be looking like the next big star. And then I think, you know what, I think my favorite rider is Bastianini.
I just really respect how smooth he is with how he rides with the throttle. Like somehow the end of the race, like his tires are always fine and everybody else you know starts going wide and whatever and he just somehow like you know he's geese yeah i don't know i like that guy he's got clash they call him the beast but he he's riding like a fucking i don't know what he's out there on a cloud um so i am all caught up and uh the next race is uh next sunday I don't know where it's going to be.
I believe they're in Asia at this point. They were just in Japan.
So I imagine it's going to be somewhere over there. And I will unfortunately be flying to France that day.
But maybe, maybe because they're in Asia, I'll be able to watch it late Saturday night. I have no idea.
Yes, I'm on my way to France next week. I have three shows out there at the Apollo.
I'm bringing my lovely wife. And I can't wait.
My French is the best it's been. I got a Tudor, and I was shooting the shit with her.
That's what we do. We just go out.
I get a cup of tea, old Billy tea bag over here, and we just shoot the shit for like an hour. And a lot of times she's making a face like, I have no idea what the fuck you're talking about.
But then, you know, she corrects me or whatever, and I'm starting to get into the imperfect and the future tense and all that, which is really fucking exciting. Because whenever you learn a language,

I guess you're always in the present tense. So people have to figure out what the hell you're trying to say.
Are you talking about yesterday? Are you talking about right now? The future? What are you saying? I only know one tense. That'd be funny if that was like some sort of, you know, mental disability that you could only speak in the present tense and god knows some big-hearted chick would still fall for you but like you know because she wants to help and she wants to make you better and she'd get about three years into it again and she's just like you know what i just i just can't do this anymore i just i want I need a man that can speak in all three tenses.
I'm tired of figuring out if you mean right now, tomorrow, or yesterday. I just can't.
I can't do that anymore. I can't do this.
I won't do it, and I didn't want to do it yesterday.

You see that right there?

That's all three tenses.

Why don't you go fucking brush up?

Then you can hit them with you.

You're making fun of my disability.

My pronouns are right now.

You had to respect it. Somehow they would turn that into like a political talking point.
Like they only care about the present tense people. They don't care about you living in the past.
How ugly have been these fucking, these commercials been? I love that Trump one when he's going off on, like, immigrants.

There's murderers and rapists.

They're raping and murdering people.

How long are people going to fall for fucking rich people

blaming it on fucking immigrants with fucking a nickel in their pocket?

It's like, dude, you don't even pay your taxes.

You don't fucking pay anybody that fucking works for you.

What the fuck are you talking about?

It's you cunts at the top.

Unreal.

But every four years, every four years,

you just wheel out the old, hey,

these people who aren't white,

these people are coming in.

They want your fucking job.

And it just blows my mind,

the amount of people that are in corporate America

and have seen one of these fucking cunts

Thank you. these people are coming in they want your fucking job and i it just blows my mind the amount of people that are in corporate america and i've seen one of these fucking cunts who gets hired and gives themselves like a 10-figure signing bonus and his job's to come in there and consolidate every department and fire three or four people and then take this their that person the fired person's yearly salary as part of their bonus for saving the company money.

That's not the fucking problem.

They're getting, like, those jobs

are not coming back. They're just fucking taking

them away and then going, hey, there was 10 people

in your department, now there's five. You five got to do

the work at 10, and I'm taking those five

people's fucking salary as my Christmas bonus.

No, that's not who it is. That's not who it is.
It's not those guys. Couldn't be those guys.
They look like me. Oh, Jesus, Bill.
You're going fucking deep early on. You're going deep early on here.
I have not watched one second of football. I watched a little bit of Ohio State losing to Oregon.
Now, this is another thing. You know, I was against these super conferences.
I'm like, why can't they keep it the way it used to be? I think they're fucking amazing. And if the kids are getting paid, because at first they were going to have them and then they weren't going to get paid.
Now they're getting paid. So who gives a fuck? Who gives a fuck? I think it's great that the kids are getting paid now.
I hope they make millions of fucking dollars because most of them don't make it to the NFL, but they make the university millions of dollars. They've been doing it for fucking ever.
I think it's fantastic. And I think it's fantastic to see Michigan playing the Huskies and Ohio State going out there and playing Oregon.

And look at the fucking what's, you know, what used to be the Pac-12.

Coming in, kicking the Big Ten right in their fucking three yards in a cloud of dust ball bag.

Two fucking weekends in a row.

Michigan goes down.

Ohio State goes down ohio state goes down right how state those players they have like kardashian money i mean they fucking they opened up the checkbook they were like we're going la dodgers on this shit um oh speaking of that too how about the fucking mets how about the mets um i could getway series. I know the Subway series doesn't do well.
Like I know that was one of the lowest rated series because everybody was just like, the rest of us don't live in New York, so we don't give a shit. But that could be fun.
But I just like this Dodgers-Mets thing because I want to say in the early 70s, there was a great play. What the fuck is that thing dinging for? There was a great playoff series between the Dodgers and the Mets, and I want to say the Mets went to the World Series and lost to the A's at the beginning of their dynasty where they won three in a row.
I can't remember. I was talking to a buddy of mine the other day about George Steinbrenner and I said he was basically reverse Billy Bean where Billy Bean didn't want to fucking pay anybody George Steinbrenner was just like fucking just had his checkbook I don't think he ever closed his checkbook I know a promoter like that the guy's the the fucking best.
It takes you forever, forever to fucking sell enough tickets for the guy to book you.

But when he does, he fucking, he treats you right.

Anyway, so I'm really excited about that. And that series is out here.

And if I have the fucking time, I would love to go Wednesday night.

I'm going to try to, if I have the time, I probably won't. But it's kind of, you know, it's kind of cool to go to a fucking NLCS, you know.
And I'm not, I don't have a dog in the, I root for the Mets because I did efforts for family with Mike Price. he was a huge mets fan so is a huge mets fan so i'm rooting for them but uh i was a dodger fan back in the day in the 70s when they won two and then when they won in 81 and i was also a kansas city royals fan while being a red sox fan now what is the common denominator in of that? The Red Sox could not beat the Yankees back then.

And then the Royals, they would always go up against the Royals.

And then the Royals couldn't beat them.

And then they would go up against the Dodgers. And the Dodgers couldn't fucking beat them.

So, like, I would watch my Red Sox during the year.

They would always start off fast.

The Red Sox would get them. And then the Yankees would come back catch up with us inevitably surpass us so my red socks would fail and then i would watch the royals fail and then i would watch the dodgers fail and i would be like fucking exhausted that's like 10 year old billy i didn't you know just rooting against this fucking team and they just you know they had reggie reggie's just a winner right so and ron didry too oh my god that guy was a fucking beast so um and then in 81 fernando valenzuela and all of those guys came in and they finally beat him i couldn't believe it um and that was when they went with dave winfield um Reggie.
I think Reggie went to the Angels.

So fucking nuts I can remember all of that.

But I can't seem to get, I don't know.

I'm trying to stay off the fucking Instagram.

So whatever.

I might end up going that.

And all of this week I've been working on my act.

But I was coming home.

And my lovely wife was watching that Vince McMahon series on Netflixflix right like netflix has some bangers right now and that vince mcmahon thing is she's like you want to watch this and i'm like yeah nah i kind of grew up in the age of angry dads like i don't know if i want to watch but she was like it was funny to watch it with her because she knew nothing about the guy. So she kind of like, this is a weird thing to equate it to.
I used to do that. I used to love looking at a crowd when a great comic was going to go up who hadn't hit yet.
And they didn't know who they were. Right.
And they had heckled me and, of course, kicked my ass and I didn't know who they were right and they had heckled me and of course kicked my ass and i didn't know what to say and then i fucking bombed or whatever and i remember when like like dave attell would go up it was like my favorite thing ever because they would you know the crowd sort of had control of the room and they had no idea that dave attell is like a ninth degree black belt in fucking uh all things comedy and i even after usually when i would bomb i would just want to get out of the club but if dave was going on a couple two three comics after me i would stay there just for the satisfaction to watch him do what i couldn't so So anyway, I would be like just watching him

immediately like destroy somebody that heckled him.

And everybody just realized like,

oh my God, this guy's on a whole other fucking level.

And then watch all of these guys

that were fucking assholes when I was on stage

immediately become like obedient.

Like watching one of those people that's like good with a dog. Like your dog mauling a mailman, and then they just show up, and they go, like that.
The dog fucking sits down, starts fucking cowering, whatever the fuck they do. What did that have to do with what I was talking about oh watching my wife seeing Vince McMahon and I gotta be honest with you I watched wrestling all through the 80s then I got away from it when I started doing comedy and then Patrice O'Neill rest his soul, Keith Robinson, all of those guys started saying it's good again.

I was like when The Rock, Stone Cold, Mankind, The Undertaker, Mankind, all of those guys.

And they were talking about laughing their asses off.

And I started watching.

I was living with Bobby Kelly at the time.

And I started watching like Monday Night Raw.

And it was fucking incredible.

And, but I missed, you know,

when it got really fucking raw.

Like I never saw that shit with Vince

with his fucking pants down

and somebody with their face like in his ass.

I'm not joking.

So my wife is watching it and like it's unbelievable like vince mcmahon is like one of the great success stories and at the same time he's like a dick tracy villain um he took like no responsibility for anything he'd be you know, I didn't see any evidence of a concussion in that fight, you know? And then when Chris Benoit like, you know, killed his whole family and himself, you know, and they started talking about CTE and that type of shit, you know, he was on TV just immediately because people were coming to him like, dude, why are all these dying and he was just going like I mean we had no idea that he was such a monster and he was just throwing people under the fucking bus it was wild it was fucking wild to watch like all of that and it was also great to see all of those clips and there was was this great thing where Stone Cold Steve Austin, who I fucking love, was talking about how, you know, he doesn't believe in concussions. And if you're getting concussed, you don't know how to wrestle or something like that.
And my wife goes, he doesn't believe in concussions? However she said it, I go said it, I go, that's right. And that's the bottom line, because Stone Cold said so.
And she had no idea what I was talking about. That was one of my favorite out of all the catchphrases.
And that's the bottom line, because Stone Cold says so. I don't know what it was about that, but that used to get me up off the couch me and bobby just fucking laughing our asses off and then patrice would call he would literally be on the phone watching it in jersey while we were we were you know wherever the fuck we lived upper east side and uh just be laughing our asses off um but jesus some of those they go vince was there ever a storyline you didn't do it's you you know you wanted to do and people like well you know i don't i don't want to do that and he was like well there was one um i believe the storyline was that i impregnated my daughter.
Well, not me, my character.

I know I shouldnated my daughter. Well, not me, my character.

I know I shouldn't be laughing at this,

but Nia was sitting there and she was just pulling the covers like up over her nose.

And I'm going to be honest with you, I felt bad for his son.

I felt bad for his son.

I just was like, dude, you got to stop chasing that. That is just whatever happened to him when he was a kid, this is what he is.
And like, but what I loved about his son was watching his son with his own kids. And you could see that he broke whatever dysfunction was in the family.
And you could tell he was a great dad. his kids weren't like fucking in need of a hug um but anyway it's an amazing story um i don't know what's going on with vince mcmahon's eyebrows that's like my biggest question out of all that as far as him you know you know all the craziness that went on i mean we kind of heard about that but like anyway it's just great to watch my wife seeing that for the first time so anyways um uh yeah yeah so it's that time of year hopefully made a little bit of pumpkin bread and uh i also hung out with uh dean del rey today and we uh rode a motorcycle rode mine he rode his over to like this fucking unbelievable taco spot and came back and i gotta tell you i'm like mentally exhausted um it was like a two-hour, hour out and an hour back.

And just it reminds me when I first started soloing, like flying a helicopter, like you would just come back and your brain was so fucking tired from trying to like deal with everything that was going on.

And when we rode the bikes and we parked them and everything, I was like, dude, I am like goes yeah you know that's that's normal because i'm like flying a helicopter is like relaxing it's unbelievable there's like nobody there there's nobody up there you know if there is it's on my screen and i could just see what they're doing and you know like where they're flying how much higher they are at the same altitude i'll just i'll go up four or five hundred feet or i'll go i'll descend if if that's possible i'll change my course i can do all of that but it's like it's a whole other thing um but we had we had a great ride we were all just back roads the whole way oh billy back roads you know and uh but i will tell you i absolutely fucking love that motorcycle um it's just it's uh you know i'm still getting like you know comfortable with it it's funny that bike is the easiest bike to ride up to speed but like riding it slow

you know tight place having to do like a little 180 you know throttle control or whatever you know it's just like that's that you know that's where i get like nervous like i'm gonna fucking t tip this bike over because it weighs a ton and uh

but like once it gets going it's just it is a fucking dream to ride so I'm just gonna practice at the airport going like real slow and like like I said 90% of my riding is just gonna be you know, la-da-da, cruising around the airport.

But, oh my God, it's so much fucking fun. Anyway, let's do some of the reads for the week.
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Let's get into the reads this week. The reads have been like amazing lately.
The landlord debate and me, God forbid, saying that there's actually some good landlords out there. Now, for some reason, I'm on the side of Best Buy.
That's what people are trying to say. It like i'm just saying you know you're speaking in absolutes what do you think you me um it's one of my favorite things to do in the podcast here is trash people for doing exactly what i did five minutes earlier on our previous uh um podcast um all right tea bags hey billy tea time since you have started drinking tea i gotta get it down where i have my pinky up and i'll have a little ascot uh check out russian caravan tea it's a smoky black tea that's a nice change from some of the other flavored tea curious to hear your thoughts thanks for everything you do oh dude are you kidding me smoky black tea.
Curious to hear your thoughts. Thanks for everything you do.
Oh, dude, are you kidding me? Smoky black tea. What does it taste like? Tobacco? Oh, by the way, old Billy Freckles is 76 days into no cigars.
I told you, my daughter said, Dad, stop smoking. It's bad for you.
And I was like, you're right're right and she goes i want you to go 100 days

and i said all right i said then can i have one she goes you can have five like i can't have five you can have five and then you have to go 200 days and i was like all right i'll i'll take that that's a good deal i'll'll take that. Anybody's got a daughter out there.

When your seven-year-old daughter looks in the eye and tells you to fucking stop doing something, I mean, it's over.

Anyway, green tea.

Hey, Billy Greenleaf, you mentioned switching over to drinking green tea as of late of late i almost said as a latte that's how much i'm still stuck in i think you should definitely try gen i just literally had a stroke gen maca maca maca m-a-i-c-h-a it's's G-E-N-M-A-I-C-H-A.

Well, unless you're there to order it for me.

I've made a fool of myself enough in life.

Or Japanese Sensha Tea.

They taste better than jasmine, in my opinion.

Less floral.

I kind of like the floral thing.

Oh, Billy Twinkle Toes over here.

And the caffeine buzz will leave

you feeling lucid and energized. Well, I don't want to be like overly caffeinated, but on a side note, thanks for the hookup.
Somebody tried to tell me there's more caffeine in green tea than in coffee. And I was like, I'm sure drip, it has more than drip, but not the way I was

I was drinking anywhere from

two to four cappuccinos a day and those was a double shot of espresso in each one of them or lattes most of the time so it was a ton of dairy and all of that just just let me be happy okay i feel good it feels right doing it uh something the guy writes or the lady writes thanks and go teabag yourself um yeah i i uh what i liked about coffee was it was fucking delicious and amazingly addictive so i loved all of that and then i loved having it and fucking like going to the gym you know it made me like for like a half hour i felt like i was you know 25 again um and i also just you know i just think you know coffee with eggs and bacon i mean what the what it's fucking However, like, I was drinking so much of it, like, you know, it wasn't good. We'll just leave it at that.
But I find with tea, I drink tea and it, like, relaxes me. It's funny.
It's the exact opposite thing. But there's caffeine in it, so I don't understand.
So, but I will say that there is a lot. Like have all these coffee drinking buddies and when I told them I switched over to tea like they were like disappointed you know that's that's like a that's a that's a big thing that's like switching teams you know like I remember a buddy of mine he was really fat and then he lost a bunch of weight, and, like, all of these fatties were, like, giving him shit, saying he sold out.
It was like, Daddy, it even happens then? Like, they wouldn't be like, hey, man, you know, you're an inspiration or whatever. Whenever I see a fat person walking down the street in workout clothes, I always want to

hear, there you go.

I want to yell that out, but I always feel like they're going to take it the wrong way.

Like, you know, they're going to hear it like, it's about time.

Like they think I'm saying that.

I want to be like, you fucking do that every day.

You do that every day.

You cut out the bread and sugar.

You're going to be crushing ass in fucking eight months or whatever you know driving by like billy blanks encouraging people um all right conspiracy theory oh jesus here we go conspiracy bullshit cleared up all right hey bill last week you read an email from someone claiming to have trouble returning to their home or supplying goods for friends after the hurricane. The reason people weren't allowed in certain areas was because they would be endangering themselves even if the hurricane is over.
The idea that people riding around in boats without an organized, top-down coalition of government agencies is insane. Well, what do they...
I mean, if they're just driving around helping people, you know, they're driving by in a boat and they're fucking throwing people out i don't know conflating our military budget with emergency response is unreasonable for obvious reasons no it isn't no it isn't the war in iraq bankrupted this fucking country we're hopelessly in fucking debt so we don't have money for fucking anything health care public school we don't have money for fucking anything. Healthcare, public school,

we don't have money for anything.

That's our number one

fucking expense.

Other than those bankers

down the street

and the Federal Reserve.

Oh, Billy Tennant.

The government can't

hand people money

to fix their homes.

That's why we have insurance. Oh, this is adorable.
This is like, you're either fucking an insurance salesman. Like, have you never put a claim in? Insurance companies are not in the business of paying claims.
They are in the business of collecting premiums. That's what they do.
And then when you have a claim, they sick their lawyers on you and tell you to go fuck yourself. Or my favorite thing is when you put in a claim this is the best like when i had my roof fixed and the fucking assholes didn't re-hook the drain up and for whatever reason the drain off the roof went went into a pipe that went into my cross a.
I have a Charlie Chaplin home.

I have a really old house. And then it went

out the front. Why you would bring water into

the fucking house? It's just how they did it back then.

They unhooked it when they did it and they never

hooked it back up, you know?

You move the headstones

but you didn't move the bodies.

Why?

That's who I was after that when I called up

the fucking roof people. I was like the fucking dad and poltergeist um so anyway uh so i call up the roofing company like yeah no see right there that's the problem this thing was unhooked i'm like yeah you guys unhooked it he was like no we didn't and i was just like all right just get the fuck out of my house because I don't have time.
I'm not doing this with you guys. So I called up my insurance company.
And they're like, oh, my God, that's terrible, right? So then what they did was that what should have happened was I should have just got my fucking money, right? I didn't. The check came and it was made.
The check was made out to me and the bank that owned the mortgage on my house and i had to sign the check over to the mortgage company and then the mortgage company had to come over with inspectors to make sure that i was spending the money on the roof okay and not just pocketing it which is way beyond their fucking jurisdiction what i fucking spend it on is my fucking business. I paid the premium.
That's my fucking payout. If I want to sit there with the thing was, 2008, what happened was is they fucked so many people in houses and so many people were upside down in their house and there was no fucking way they were ever, you know, even if they paid it off, they were going to make their money back.
When they were getting insurance claims, they were just keeping the money.

So then what was happening was when the banks were taking over the house, not only did they get the house, they had to do the repairs.

So they got in bed with the fucking filthy, the filthy bankers got in bed with the filthy insurance companies.

And then they made this little fucking deal that the check is now made out to the person and the mortgage company. And you sign it over to them and then we'll send inspectors over to make sure that they're spending that money on on the damage and i was i was so fucking livid at them i was just like listen i'm not the one who fuck people over i'm a responsible person i'm gonna fix this house i don't need you fucking babysitting me so anyway i go through all of that fucking rigmarole of course who the fuck am i i lose the insurance companies in the banks and i have to have them come over inspect it and then you know what they did in the end they the insurance company raised my premium so that over a you know a certain amount of fucking years the money that they gave me they got it back they get it back they ended up getting it back and now i'm paying all this fucking extra money the whole thing is and they at least gave me the money but then there's other times like you know health insurance my health insurance i don't even fucking use it because whenever i go in it's like we don't take that here.
Well, where do they take it? They take your human health insurance down at the veterinarian. My health insurance sucks.
So I just, you know, I just throw it on the fucking card. Insurance is the biggest fucking scam ever.
My brother told me a long time ago, he said, Bill, you go to any fucking major city, the two tallest fucking buildings is going to be an insurance building and the fucking in a banker building. And we lived in Boston, Massachusetts, outside of Boston and the two biggest buildings, John Hancock building and the Prudential fucking tower.
But now all these Robert Barron's, for whatever reason, want to live like a mile in the sky. So like New York city is now like these fucking apartment buildings.
I don't know what, but, um, you know, that's why we have insurance is, um, I don't, I don't know about that line, buddy. Um, insurance companies, like I said, they're not in the business of paying claims.
They are in the business of collecting premiums and then raising rates.

This person says, also, if you just give all this money to people who are affected,

they may just go buy jet skis with the money as opposed to having money accounted for by

local and federal governments.

All right.

Both of the, okay, that statement is true, but the local and federal government have been ridiculous with fucking money. Ridiculous with money.
All right. OK, so the people who can insider trade, which is not conspiracy theory, they can't be tried for insider trading.
And you now can bribe them with it's called a gratuity. So these are the people that are going to watch the you know it's like who's watching them person he says you are here she says you often claim that citizens need to take care of each other but in my experience living in a major city with the most opportunities to see community come together they almost never do without top-down action or mandates you know what what? That's 100% true.
That's 100% true. No, unfortunately.
And you know what's funny about that? Is I think most people are decent people and would help each other out, but all it takes is one or two selfish cunts to go rogue and the whole pyramid collapses. So I agree with that part.
I don't agree with like, this is why we have insurance. I mean, I don't want to keep going down, because I'm not a political guy or anything.
I don't want to keep going down this road of landlords and insurance companies, but if I wanted to, if I had people write in and say what insurance companies are doing, their experiences with them, I don't know.

Whatever.

You'll see.

You'll see.

Get some insurance.

Put in a claim.

See what happens.

Root shutdowns.

Root shutdowns.

Okay, I have no idea what this is about. Dear Canelo, if he was bald and from Boston.

Can I just talk and just say how fucking funny you guys like these are really good. These are really fucking good insults.
The only thing that was missing if he was bald, didn't know how to fight and was from Boston. That's the only other thing that you could have fucking emasculated me more.
All right. You know what? I tip my fucking comedy hat to you.
That was fantastic. Said, I was heard you were at the Michigan Washington game the other day as a student at UW.
I am glad you had a great time. Unbelievable time.
Gorgeous campus. One of the best fucking stadiums right on the water.
I've been telling anybody who like is from a traditional big 10 team um i think that one of the things that's really going to sell like old heads on this old school guys on these super conferences is go to a game go to a game go to a fucking washington huskies game that's such a great game either you can bring the fellas or bring your wife, your girlfriend or whatever.

Like chicks love Seattle because of Tom Hanks and Meg Ryan.

Yeah, you're in there.

You're in there.

Anyway, I'm glad you had a good time and even complimented how pretty our campus is.

Yeah, I just did it again.

Sorry about the one guy who was being an asshole.

And that's literally what it was.

It was one guy.

I would have gone to your show in Tacoma, but not going to lie, it was mad expensive and I'm kind of broke. My tickets were mad expensive or the scalping site? See, I don't know.
I'll look into that. It shouldn't be mad expensive.
That's how you go from having a fan base to not having a fan base. Anyway, I commute to school from the suburbs southeast of Seattle, which is usually about a 45-minute to one-hour drive during the morning rush hour.
A lot of people may not know this, but Seattle has some of the worst traffic in the country. I didn't know that.
I didn't't know that because i was like i can fucking live up here uh there's a lot of different routes to get to my school but yesterday i took the fastest route which involves going over state road 520 which is the bridge you see on the water from husky stadium little did i know however that a candidate was in town to do a fundraising at hunts point oh yeah yeah that's that's this is that's the area where a bunch of billionaires live and that you mentioned before in your podcast yeah you know where that is out here that's malibu um whenever they have a tfr a temporary flight restrictive over there, that usually means the vice president is out there drumming up money. Anyway, little did I know, however, that it can't.
Oh, sorry, I reread that. Because the Secret Service and security and all of that, they had to close down SR520 as well as southbound I-5 through all of downtown Seattle.
Holy shit. By the time I realized there was closures, it was too late to reroute, and I ended up missing a lab section I had yesterday.
I don't know what that is, but that sounds important. Reasonably, this really upset me, and I was really angry that they had to close down some of the major highways in the area during rush hour just so they could go meet with the billionaires.
I am not much of a political politics person myself, but it honestly seemed like such a politician-esque thing to do, causing absolute traffic chaos for everyone in Seattle area just so you could meet with your billionaire friends for an hour or two. Yeah, and what kind of a person could just sit there in that fucking house knowing that you're causing all that traffic that's the thing i hate about golf it's not golfing it's that group behind me that's always better than me and i always feel like oh my god they're fucking i'm holding them up i'll pick up i don't give a fuck give me give me a fucking snowman i don't give a shit i I was probably going to shoot a nine anyway, right?

To just be sitting there. And you know they're eating fucking great food and all of that.

Anyway, I just wanted to hear what your opinion on this was. I love your podcast.

Sometimes my friends tell me that my sense of humor sounds kind of like yours, so thanks for that.

And go fuck yourself. Well, I got i gotta tell you your opening line was fantastic um what is my feeling on that i mean it seems like overkill to me but then like look what almost happened to trump i mean if you let your guard down for two seconds, it seems like, you know, some fucking lunatic does something.
So, yeah, that seems like excessive. It just seems like they don't want this one person to deal with any sort of traffic at all.
you would think why can't they just like you know that's what you have a helicopter for you're going over a billionaire's house

he has a yard big enough You would think, why can't they just like, you know, that's what you have a helicopter for. You're going over a billionaire's house.

He has a yard big enough.

I don't know.

If I was the politician, I would say, listen, already half the country hates me just because I'm in a party.

You know, I'm not in the party that they like.

All right.

So why don't we just land, I'll get in a fucking helicopter

and we'll land in this rich

cunt's yard.

Or in the back of his fucking yacht.

Something like that.

And then that can be a cool thing because

then nobody even knows I'm in town.

As opposed to doing all this other bullshit.

Are you listening to me?

Are you asleep behind those mirrored sunglasses? Like the you know, the head of security would be like, you just don't understand how much in jeopardy. Yeah, it seems like overkill, but like, what do I know about security? I'm sorry you missed that lab thing.
I'm sure like a bunch of people did, right? I don't know.

Anyway, I do remember one time being in Las Vegas and we had to sit on the fucking tarmac

for like two hours waiting for the fucking vice president.

It was Joe Biden at the time under Obama.

Or maybe it was Al Gore.

Maybe it was that long ago.

Was it that long ago?

Was I playing Vegas?

No, when Al Gore was vice president,

I couldn't afford to fly to gigs.

I had to run.

I was driving the fucking car.

I can't remember who it was,

but I just remember sitting there going like,

this is so fucking ridiculous.

Because he wasn't even at the airport,

according to, they were saying like,

he's going to be arriving. It's like, so why can't we just fucking take off? Anyway, receding top.
Hey, Billy, no cunt belly. It's coming back a little bit, but I'm turning it.
I'm stopping it in its tracks. I just want to pick your brain as a man who has gone through the age old male struggle of losing your hair.
I am 30 years old and have been slowly developing a widow's peak for a few years now. It's still at a point where it looks good.
Think Will Arnett with an extra couple of inches, but it's slowly reaching back and at some point it will cross a line into desperately hanging on. There are a few more options out there now compared to the old days.
Oh my God, are you kidding me? Some of those hair systems, they're fucking amazing. The ones when I was, oh my God, they were horrible.
They were fucking horrible. Like you immediately, immediately, the second you got that fucking hair system eliminated yourself from 60 of the female population

it's just immediately you know like that that thing where they pop the balloon when you walk in that that was it was oh hair plugs were terrible toupees were terrible size spurling i'm not only the hair club president i'm also a client they were fucking horrible those systems were fucking horrible. Now they're

unbelievable. I know a couple people got they're they're incredible they're fucking incredible uh there are a few more options out there now compared to the days you speak of in the past just stapling ant legs on your head yeah uh yeah antennas there is the the medicinal root but from what i've read and heard it only parentheses maybe stops male pattern baldness when you start it so you need to get on it early because there won't be a return of any lost hair yeah and then also the second you stop taking it then you know and it could could also, that's why they haven't cured baldness, by the way.
That's why they haven't cured, it's fucking ridiculous. Like, the stuff that doctors can do is insane.
Like, you can, a heart transplant? Like, at what point, like, what is keeping the air coming in and the blood circulating when you swap out, you know, a small block for a new one? Like, how do you do that? Like when you take an engine out of a car, the car's not running and then you got to put the new engine in, like the car's dead. But they know how to do that, but you can't fucking make hair stop falling out.
I don't know. But I would think that like super rich people would have access to it.
I don't know. I've always wondered about that.
A person goes on to say, and it could also have some not so great side effects for a guy like lower testosterone and lower sex drive and or and more weight gain or you can fly to turkey and pay thousands for a transplant apparently but i just want to ask you if you had these options back in the day would you have taken the chemical risks in or spent the money or just accept it and go bald and how long did it take you to accept this change great question um no i tried like rogaine i remember i put it on my head and i felt like my fucking heart started speeding up and i was like i'm not i don't want to do that and then i i had like alopecia in the back of my head because you know i you know i had a lot of fucked up shit happen to me and i never dealt with it so it had to come out somehow so i was just like lose clumps of hair and shit and you know it would come throughout all my childhood that would happen and then as i got older um the fallout of all the shit that happened to me i would it would and i never really paid attention to it was like oh it's always going to grow back but then it kind of didn't so it's the hair in the back of your head that is you know is what they use to put on top so i didn't have that option um and i have to say i'm kind of glad that i didn't because i love having a shaved head um you know once you do it it's it's fucking amazing and it's also fucking liberating because I'll tell you this going bald sucks but once you just fucking shave your head and it's over like within 10 days people can't remember what you look like with hair it's really not that big a deal and I also think it's it's a confident thing it's it's a big thing in the confidence column. And there's a lot of women that like that look.
So there's some who don't, but who gives a shit? There's some who don't like you right now and you have hair. Who gives a fuck? I don't know.
If I had to do all of that, even if I didn't have alopecia too, I would still go the route that I did. I kind of, I'm not going to lie to you, I fucking love it.
And also, it really helped my acting roles. When I had hair, and I was clean shaven, and looked like howdy fucking do duty, that was the roles I was getting.
But when I shaved my head and I had the beard, I started to get to play more assholes, which is, you know, what I am. I mean, I'm naturally an asshole.
So, you know, I just look like, aw shucks, the other way. So it worked out for me.
It it's like i know where you are right now because you're like what the fuck i mean the first day you realize like oh my god am i losing my hair i'm gonna be that fucking guy i'm gonna be bald what the fuck yeah you freak out it's a really big like like i'm not young anymore type of thing but um you know once you get past that dude you know you shave your head you fucking got a nice little beard going you keep yourself fucking ripped you know you start dressing nice which i never did but you add that to the whole thunket thing you're gonna be fine you're gonna be fine it's it's really not that big a deal and i gotta be honest with honest with you. To this day, a lot of those

hair systems

are still pretty awful. I saw some guy

he was doing some Instagram thing about

his hair transplant he got in Turkey.

And it was three months later and it did not

look good. Although people

are saying it's amazing

over there.

But I don't think there's anything

wrong with doing it. If it makes you feel good to go do it, go do it.
But it's also, it's not the end of the fucking world. But that's what sales is all about, right? They make everything seem like it's the fuck, you got to do this or it's the end of the fucking world.
Anyway, both sides, Bill. Oh boy, here we go.
This happens to me every election year. You're a centrist.
Bill, I'm writing to you on behalf of all the people who can't stand you trashing both sides. No, you're not.
You're writing me on behalf of you. Stop acting like there was a vote and they decided that you should pick up the flag.
Okay, this is a major red flag. When anybody tries to make a point and they try to act like they have some coalition of invisible people behind them, you should start a religion, buddy.
A large portion of the commenters, the commenters think you're just trying to maintain ticket sales because of your newly expressed right-leaning opinions and conspiracies. I don't know what that means.
What was my right-leaning thing, saying that the food is fucking poisoned? I don't know what you guys are talking about. You guys, you fucking political people, I swear to God, you guys are out of your fucking minds.
God forbid somebody sort of agrees with you but also feels something on the other side.

Why can't you just accept that?

You know what I mean?

Why do you have to fucking label everybody?

You know, you're a centrist.

You're a liberal.

You're a conservative.

You're a fucking asshole.

All right?

There's certain shit.

There's a lot of shit that liberals, like liberals' views on people who aren't white, I fucking totally align with that. Gays, all of that shit.
I don't have any fucking problem with that whatsoever. I got no fucking problem with any of that.
I think the way that I was raised was wrong. Screaming and yelling and all that shit, it doesn it doesn't work if you want an angry kid like what the fuck i ended up being who has clumps of hair falling out of his fucking head by all means do that all of this bullshit on the right now like you're back with men we're fucking men we just threw your kid in a fucking pool and either drowned or swam that's all fucking stupid and people like like romanticizing the past and wanting to do all this traumatic shit to children.
I don't fucking buy into that at all. All right? And then there's on the other fucking side, like, you know, there's a time to be conservative.
There's a time to be liberal. You just have to know when to fucking apply it.
You know, I'm conservative. Like, get off the fucking iPad.
No, you're not getting a phone. What are you, running a company? You're not getting a fucking phone.
That's it. You're not.
You're not. I don't have a problem.
I don't have a problem if a responsible person gets a gun. I don't have a fucking problem with that.
I don't think a citizen needs a semi-automatic weapon. You know?

It's a joke I do in my act.

Like, how much do you suck at shooting that you need that many opportunities to hit your fucking target?

You know?

So, I don't know.

I don't know what the fuck to tell you.

I don't, like, I don't, like, look at liberals and be like, yes, everything you say.

All right?

You guys did some horrible fucking shit, these last few fucking years you know trying to like fucking bully people to say pronouns and talk about certain things in their act and have like you know lean this way politically or else we're not working with you and we're going to cancel you remember that whole fucking fucking scenario? That was you guys. And then on the right, you remember the right when the fucking Dixie Chips said fucking George W.
Bush, that moron was a fucking moron. And then all the countries say, we're not fucking playing your fucking music anymore.
Yeah, I thought that was fucking stupid too. Are you going to sit there and tell me that both of those things weren't stupid that the left isn't capable of being just as stupid as the right can or and the left can't be just as right as the right can be at some point it's fucking dumb it's a childish way of going through the fucking world as far as i'm concerned but if you don't agree with that i'm willing to listen to your fucking point all right but don't just don't say I'm writing on behalf Jesus Christ do you put a little stripe on your shirt before you type this fucking thing um anyway I think you're probably you've probably been radicalized by your friends and family Jesus Christ dude and what are you

how You're medicalized by your friends and family. Jesus Christ, dude.

And what do you...

How did you come up with that?

You don't know me.

You don't even know who I hang out with.

You don't know how much I interact with.

It's like...

Dude, I have a seven and a four-year-old.

That's my fucking life.

Okay?

I woke up this morning and I got my son.

I bought him his first fucking train set.

And I don't know what happened.

It worked fine.

And now it doesn't work. And I'm on the floor at fucking 6.48 in the morning trying to figure out how that's going.
You know? I don't know if my son at some point whispered some radicalized shit to me that changed my political opinions. But, you know, maybe you're right.
your managers and producers

probably won't let this email get to you because they all have a piece of that pie you bring home. You think my managers and producers of what? I guess the podcast.
In defense of me, my producer sent me this email.

But I had to ask you this anyway.

You have a really powerful voice.

Oh, shut the fuck up.

About what? Sports?

And I think there's clearly a group of good guys and a group of bad.

There it is.

Oh, are you seeing it clearly?

I can see clearly now I'm on Facebook. Fucking dust on my phone.
I get it, buddy. Unless anybody agrees with you.
There's clearly a group of good guys and clearly a group of bad guys. Well, listen.
OK, I'll tell you this. The liberals talk a good game.
All right? They talk a good game when it comes to gay people, minorities, all of that. I hate that word, but whatever.
Non-white people. All right? It's...
I agree with them on that type of shit. But if you're fucking looking at liberals thinking that they are not owned by the same fucking bankers and corporations that are really the ones that are running this far that are too big to fail that are bigger than this country that's what the fucking problem is and my problem with both political parties is neither one brings that shit up and if a candidate in either one of those parties does bring it up they're immediately labeled a communist a socialist an anti-semite a fucking homophobe.
They just tar and feather him and it's over. And then did you watch the DNC? Fucking my wife had that on.
It was the most bizarre thing I've ever seen in my life. What were all those politicians smiling about? We're bankrupt.
Our food has so much hormones in it. It's giving little girls their periods as young as eight and nine.
What the fuck are you smiling about? And then they bring Stevie Wonder out to play a song that everybody likes and that's supposed to convince me? And then on the other side, you got this fucking racist lunatic who's a complete piece of shit and he's talking to people that he has historically fucked over in his life. All of those working class people, he doesn't pay any of them.
He doesn't pay taxes. He doesn't pay his bills.
He's a complete fucking piece of shit. So I think, once again, this is a lose-lose.
And I think that there's always been people early on in the election actually talking about what's going on, and they are immediately just ignored by both their party and CNN and Fox News. And if you want to argue with me and say that that's different, I would love to hear it.
But this guy thinks there's clearly a group of good guys and a group of bad guys. Okay.
I think you would greatly benefit from endorsing a candidate and aligning yourself with real product i would how would i greatly benefit from that how would i greatly benefit that first of all who i'm voting for is none of your fucking business all right and secondly i am a stand-up comedian my job is not to stump for a political candidate my job is to make fun of everything I'm a fucking clown I write jokes I'm a dancing fucking monkey that's what I do all right you know what my favorite thing is too is people always go these fucking celebrities need to shut the fuck up about politics. And then the same person is on Facebook or Instagram talking about politics like, oh, but you can do it.
You're a teacher, so you can talk about it. I don't.
I trash all of it. And here's the thing.
I like regular people. I like mom and pop places.
I don't like this new world that we're living in where every business seems to get beginning consolidated by one tech nerd. Like that fucking Spotify guy.
He how did he can't even play a ukulele and he took all the music and he gets he gets all the money. I don't know.
I don't I'm not into that type of shit. So whatever.
I don't that. I got to tell you that that whole fucking.
The only thing I can say about that last thing that I just read, like this is literally the reason why I avoid politics. This person, I'm writing you on behalf of all the people who can't stand you trashing both sides like that fucking like self-appointed authority.
I think you would greatly benefit from endorsing a candidate and aligning yourself with real progress. What is real progress? What you believe is progress? That's what I should do? Like you're speaking in such vague fucking terms.

You didn't even like

I don't know what your fucking thing is.

I mean you're

obviously saying Kamala. I think that's what you

were talking about. You want to listen to a woman who talks through her nose

for four fucking years

and can accept gratuities?

Alright.

I guess that's the way to go. don't know i don't know okay i'm not endorsing i i already told you who the fuck i the people that i liked and then i i just got you and you guys just say that i'm a fucking whack job and all you know so i'm supposed to just vote for another company man or a fucking reality show tv star once again these are our choices our choices.
That was our choice in fucking 2020, and that was our choice in 2016. A reality show TV star or a fucking company man? 2020.
Reality show TV star, company man. Reality show TV star, company man.
I don't know. Donald Trump is like the Buffalo Bills.
He keeps going to the Super Bowl although he did win one

he did win one

the first one

Scott Norwood

it went through the fucking uprights

see

I think that's a good joke

that's what I do

that's what I do

alright so whatever

if you want to take my podcast seriously

and think that I'm actually affecting this fucking country

I don't know

I don't know what to tell you

I don't know what to tell you

other than say go fuck yourself

and I'll check it on you on Thursday