Thursday Afternoon Monday Morning Podcast 10-10-24

Hey, what's going on? It's Bill Burr, and it's time for the Thursday afternoon, just before Friday, Monday morning podcast, and I'm just checking in on you. I'm checking in to see how your week's going, and obviously when we videotape this, you know that I have a special guest.
And this special guest, I've been trying to get on here to be a special guest for a long time, and all kinds of crap has happened. And I caught the flu and then I had Ebola.

And then there was the pandemic.

Well, he's finally on.

He has a new special out called Josh Wolf,

Four Stories that you can get at fourstories.com.

Fourstoriescomedy.com.

Fourstoriescomedy.com.

I never make a minute without doing, making a mistake.

Please welcome the one and only Josh Wolf. What's going on, man? We finally happen i know here we are this has been years in the making it has and i and i feel like it goes back to big poppy's roast or no yeah when was that was that before the pandemic pre-pandemic by the way one of the best weekends of my life that was such a fun weekend all right let's set up big poppy was Papi was getting roasted.
It was the end of his career, right? End of his career. And he wanted to get roasted, and we did it at the Hard Rock Cafe right across the street from Fenway Park, and it was, you know, oh, God.
We went to... Lenny Clark was on it.
Rob Gronkowski was on it. Gronk, Anthony Mackie, Pedroia, who might have been the funniest one.
Because he told. Oh, he was hostile.
He told that story about Bobby not knowing his name. Yeah, but he was also like mad at all the comments because they kept making fun of him.
They kept making fun of him for being short. And then he turns around and he goes, unlike you guys, I wrote all my jokes.
I'm sitting there going like, fuck you, you little shit. I wrote my jokes too.
Yeah, yeah. He was fucking.
He was mad. Yeah, no, but I also saw why he made it into the big leagues.
I love Dustin Pedroia, but he had had enough of our non-athletic fucking mouths running about him. Adam Ray dressed up.
Remember, he has an old Yankee fan. So nobody knew who it was.
That was fantastic. And Pedroia was sitting next to me, because I was sitting next to him on the stage, and he was like, who the fuck is this guy? He was so fucking mad that Adam kept referring to him as short.
He was like, who's this fucking old dude? I got to take shit from you guys and some old dude? Yeah, it was amazing. And the thing was, he wasn't taking that much shit.
No. It's just so many people told him he was short his whole life and that he wasn't going to make it to the big leagues.
I mean, he had a story about that. I think when he was trying to figure out what college to go to, they brought up his height.
And then there was one or two short jokes, and his thermometer just went through the roof. And I didn't say one short joke.
I was like, you know what? By the time I get up there, he's going to start swinging. And this guy can hit one over the green monster.
I don't want to take this. Gronk took the most, without a doubt.
I got Lenny pretty good. By the way, Lenny to me might be the most underrated.
He's so funny. Lenny Clark.
My favorite joke I did was talking about his past cocaine use. He said, if Lenny sneezed right now, the kids wouldn't have, they wouldn't have school until January.
That was, and Lenny Clark, he went through eras. That was like sweat pant era, Lenny Clark, when he was just wearing sweats out.
No, no, no. He had the crazy outfit.
He had the Crayola yellow pants with the black thing and then something else yellow. I told him he looked like a Legoland construction worker.
No, then he got into, yeah, no, there was young Lenny with like the 70s hair and then it was mullet Lenny. Good That's a good era, Lenny.
And then it became big Lenny. And then it became, there was like two or three more Lennys.
And then it became, then there was pull-up Lenny. Did you ever see pull-up Lenny? Jacked Lenny.
Dude, this guy, he's like 60-something years old. Jacked.
We're doing Comics Come Home, and he's on the Bruins pull-up bar,

and he's going up and down.

It looked like when a young person puts an old man's suit on,

they fuck with people, but he was actually doing it.

It made no sense.

I always wondered also, because Lenny, I don't know what his top weight was,

but he was.

Oh, there was Cigar Lenny.

But how did Cocaine Lenny get so fat?

Cigar Lenny was... Lenny finished a cigar,

lit the other one with that one,

and just like...

He was like chain-smoking cigars,

and then the cigars went away.

Yeah, now it's just Workout Lenny.

That's where he is right now.

Nice Workout Lenny.

He's Workout Lenny right now.

That's where he is.

Workout Lenny.

I've loved all the Lenny's.

Yeah, me too.

There's been a lot of Lenny's. There's been a lot of Lenny's.
Yeah, me too. There's been a lot of Lenny's.
There's been a lot of Lenny's. Yeah, but when I was doing the roast, as much as I was getting them, see, coming up in that scene, he's one of the Mount Rushmore guys, so it's also like, is he going to get mad at me? He's not a little guy.
No. Yeah, all of those guys are like 6'2", 6'3", and he's banging out like 20 pull-ups like he's looking for his mail and i'm like do i need do i need old school fucking lenny to put the with his grip strength to be grabbing me by the neck you definitely don't want to get beat up by a 68 year old that's tough to explain who's on your mount rushmore okay of those boston guys who would it be? Well, Mount Rushmore is only four people.

So I think it would be like, you remember when Tony Soprano did the,

James Gandolfini did the cover of Cigar Fixianato magazine.

He goes, I'm only doing it if everybody's on.

And it opened up and there was everybody.

If you're going to really do it, it would be Leno.

Because Leno, before there was even comedy clubs. I i mean he's literally the guy that took the beach and then uh then there was uh then there was all the ding-ho guys sweeney uh don gavin uh jesus christ uh dj hazard tony v kenny rogerson jimmy tingle V, Kenny Rogerson, Jimmy Tingle, Stephen Wright.
Kenny Rogerson, that name. Frank Santorelli.
Was Kenny Rogerson ridiculously funny? I've heard stories about Kenny Rogerson. Oh, yeah, yeah.
And what was great about him was, I don't know if he wasn't from Boston or if he was just on his own wavelength. He didn't have the so-called Boston style style.
Like, you know, Boston people, we, you know, I think we've mellowed, but like as crazy as we were, those guys were fucking maniacs. Pull over in the car and beat the shit out of somebody half your fucking age and then continue the conversation.
Like that level, crazy. Kenny was like, you know, so they all had like like that rapid fire you know there was a lot of like the don gavin kevin knox how did i forget him that rapid fire you know and i and i really feel like all of that is it's just you know people that like think that fast and are going over here now i'm over here that's all like you had a fucked up childhood yeah and at any second something could happen so you just okay what the fuck was that block that out let's talk about this over here like the older I get like that's really like a lot you know oh my god dad's taken off the belt you know it's like one one of those deals but like Kenny had like um he had a slower pace but he was still like a storyteller and everything but he had like his own just had just had, John Panette was another guy.
I mean, dude, the level of just standing ovation. Crazy.
Like, I always forget a few guys. I said Stephen.
Yeah. I said Stephen.
He was my first live comedy concert. I remember seeing him in Hartford.
And I drove from my high school in Amherst. And that hooked me.
Because I mean, that must, but every comedy show must be downhill after that i mean there's nobody like that guy and that guy has like arguably the best jokes in stand-up history yeah and just think about like yeah and i'm just saying as far as like jokes not like storytellers or like you know uh social commentary i just mean jokes that guy's fucking jokes it's it's just it but to fill an hour with that many jokes is what got me i'm like this is all punchline it's like 180 it was crazy possibly two well he talks slow so probably three a minute that was the thing like i used to open for brian kiley another amazing boston comic and he used to sit there going like you know he goes dude i'm not i don't tell stories like these other guys he goes for me to do like 45 minutes he goes you got to understand that's like close to like 180 200 jokes and i was thinking about i never fucking thought about that and what's what i always loved about those joke guys is a lot of times there's like no segues so then you know what what tethers most people's acts together is i talk about this for six seven minutes and then i go to that and da da da and there's sort of like this through line where they their jokes are so perfect brian kiley um hedbergh steven wright their jokes are so perfect that they can go any. Like, all of them are closers.
All of them could be openers. They're almost wasted in the middle because that's all they have is great openings and closing, the whole thing.
But, like, you have to remember all of those freaking jokes. Jackie the Joke Man.
Jackie the Joke Man. I don those jokes i opened for cable guy for about three years and i was just sitting my brother was like i'm not gonna come i don't think he's my sense of humor i said he tells 300 punch lines a night so if he only hits 50 you're laughing 150 times yeah and so my brother was like i go just come free tickets and after the show he was like i can't believe how many times i laughed yeah yeah he said you're not good there's no way you could laugh at all of them but there are so many of them you're guaranteed a hundred laughs that's a lot of laughs i uh yeah i can't do that no me and i'm not even like a good joke writer me neither i just go off on shit or like tell stories but like you know it's funny my daughter's really she's seven now she's really getting into jokes so you know she has like you know she wants me to do like jokes like tell some jokes and i got like the level of thinking it's like i don't do this what i don't think and then i just make up dumb jokes but she likes it my wife loves the dumb jokes do you ever open like How did Daryl throw on his back? I don't think.
And then I just make up dumb jokes. But she likes that.
My wife loves the dumb jokes. Do you ever open...
Like, how did Daryl throw out his back? I don't know how. From Holland Oates.
That's a dad joke. It's the worst joke ever.
No, but the thing is, is it's so bad. It's so fucking bad.
She always puts her head down, shakes her head, and then starts laughing. But she's laughing because it is bad.
And also kind of the story of that band. Like, he probably thinks he was Carrie and John.
You know? Yeah, listen. That mustache alone has got to weigh at least 40 pounds.
If there's one guy... Not to get in the middle of that.
I love both of them and I wish they would be on the same tour bus. Do you? And write some more.
Yeah. You don't like to see the Everly brothers not like each other? Are they alive? Huh? The Everly brothers? Yeah, they died.
They passed the torch to those Oasis guys. Those guys never get along.
Two of the funniest fucking bastards I've ever seen in my life. Who? Those Oasis guys.
Oh, yeah, dude. I seeing them argue.
Their jokes are better than their music and their music sells out the O2 arena. I hear they're getting back together.
I like them so much more when they hate each other. It's, to me, so much more entertaining.
So much more. I would listen to a double album of them just shitting themselves.
If they made a mixtape where in between every song they said some shit about each other. You how like i can't imagine if you were like the parents of them and you just be just remember when they played in a sandbox being like what the hell happened did we not take him to the fucking amusement park enough times like how do you how do you get to this point and that level of hate for your brother is so i got three brothers i mean we disagree but that level of hate for each other that's reserved for yeah me and me and everybody in my family at this point all my relatives we all know what buttons not to push and every once in a while you still do it yep and then you start all right all right forget it forget it forget it yeah not worth it not worth it you're right you're right i don't want i don't want to do this and i just like every but if i don't see them for a while i forget and then we start to get into it again yeah it was like does your daughter has she heard your stand-up no she knows she goes she always says daddy are you doing stand-up tonight and i say yeah she goes are you saying the bad words and i go yeah.
She goes, are you saying the bad words? And I go, yeah.

And she goes, why do you say the bad words?

I go, because I don't know how to write a joke.

They're the PEDs of stand-up comedy.

Yeah.

You know, Jacob started touring with me.

My youngest son started opening for me.

And how old is he?

27.

It's been amazing, dude.

It really, because, you know, one thing that you... Now, if he has a better set than you, how does that make you feel as a father? Oh, I just go up and...
First, I'm proud, and then I make fun of him. Oh, all right.
You know, I can't have him winning the show. No, no, he...
Listen. You got to go a little great Santini.
Yeah. But we...
He's... We do, like, a Q&A, because so many of my jokes have been about him at the end of the set that he gets a lot of shots in at me.
It's just fun. Oh, that's good.
Yeah, yeah, yeah. It's a lot of fun.
All right. You know what you should do? You should bring him up in the end.
At the end. After your set, you should bring him up and you guys should just trash each other.
That's what we do. Oh, you do that.
All right. Look at that.
That's what we do. Another non-original idea.
You know what you should do, Josh? You should do what you're already doing. Well, tell me about this special.
Now, is this special? What are we talking about here? Is this an older, wiser Josh Wolf? Let's this in a little bit more. Yeah.
You know what it is, man? It's something that I was told not to do a million times. I told don't because the whole special is just don't make fun of aids no aids that was the big thing when we were growing up don't bring up aids don't bring up aids now you can bring up aids well they cured it yeah well magic johnson magic johnson got it if magic johnson didn't get it like they would still be like hey you know he got about four years when he got aids and got healthier i was like come on guys

yeah well he had hiv it never went into the thing yeah he doesn't it doesn't even show up in his

system anymore is that right yeah he i this special no aids but i mean i never looked at

his medical records but that's what they said i just i just yes i can confirm that didn't everybody kind of become a doctor during the pandemic why can't i do that now okay have you have you ever said to your doctor hey i googled and looked at their face when you tell your doctor hey i googled this the all the blood runs out of their face they must be so mad they're like i went 12 years i learned shit you think google beats 12 years that would be like if you did your act and then somebody walked up to you with the joke book being all right listen to this one that's basically what it is but the problem is is it's not the fucking doctors it's it's the it's it's the fda and the pharmaceutical companies and the fact that nobody is watching them yeah and uh yeah the food supply is making everybody sick and then they give you these things that fix what the food did to you but then the side effect gets you into the hospital you're just basically this vehicle for them to make money That's right. Like, you know those psycho moms that are slowly killing their kids so they can fucking get attention, you know, when they die? I feel like that's what, like, everybody in power is doing to their own people.
Which I think is fantastic because eventually someone will invade this country and they'll have made everybody so fucking sick that they'll actually have to fight the war listen i i look at there there are people in this country that like who are these people you ever go you you work out and i i i went to the gym recently i was looking for a trainer and they had this what are you looking for, blonde, 26? No, maybe. Bullet tits.
32. Bullet tits? Bullet tits, like the 50s.
Bullet tits. Getting out of a Ford Thunderbird convertible.
Do you know there was. Hey, daddy-o.
Let's go do some jumping jacks. Do you know the one and only time, and I'm telling this story on so i won't get into it but there was one only time that i hired that i called for a hooker she had one fake tit and one real one and she couldn't she told me she was like i couldn't afford to get them both done at the same time it was the craziest they looked so good in the bra dude they took off the bra and one of them just kind of oh so one sag but they were the same size.
Hard to say when one looks like it just had a stroke, you know, and the other one is looking straight ahead at you. It was really hard to really judge the side.
It was so distracting, dude. Did you ever set up a benefit so she could get her other titty? That would have been amazing.
The one titty benefit? I did not keep in touch with her, believe it or not. I participate in human trafficking, but that doesn't mean I don't help people.
Yeah. Bullet tits is not a term I've heard.
Do you believe in a God that cares? Like when I just hear stories like that, I'm just like, he just makes shit and he just moves on. Yeah.
You know what I this fucking asshole who fixed the air conditioning my house and he just you know the the crawl space to get up the hole there wasn't enough so he just fucking hacks it out with like this hatchet and then they put this half-ass thing that they painted while it was in there so the borders are still okay and i asked the guy to come back like nine fucking times he still hasn't come back he's like what's the problem what do you mean what's the problem you cut a hole in my ceiling see toy story when tom hanks loses his fucking arm that's that's what this my my crawl space looks like finish it off make it look nice and finish painting the fucking do you have anything in the crawl space uh no no i have an old house it's costing me a fortune it's just it's that's all it is it's a crawl space you can't put anything up there you know i have like you know what i have i have like my my carry-on luggage that i never use like any no comic no not carry-on i'm sorry uh check luggage yeah no comic brings that that's like what your wife brings when you go on vacation and you're just looking at her like you're not gonna wear that shit why do you have four suitcases you're gonna wear the same fucking outfit every single day two nights we're gonna go out to dinner and you can just have like two different outfits and you would be good I'm gonna wear the same pants and different t-shirts that's my vacation Malcolm Young that's it Malcolm Young that's the way to go. Did you have brothers and sisters? Well, they didn't die.
You have brothers? Do you have brothers? Yeah, I do. Did you, because in our attic growing up, we had just a couple of trunks that had old hand-me-downs.
Oh, winter clothes. So we wore hand-me-downs.
The winter clothes would go up there and then we had like hand-me-downs, which, you know, I don't know why, I think family's going to doing that, the way these people at the top are taking all the fucking money. I'm sorry, I mean these fucking immigrants coming into this country.
How long, every election, they get away with the immigrant thing. It's not the fucking 10 cunts at the top with 15 infinity pools.
It's the guy floating over on a mattress from Cuba. Yeah, so we had like, yeah, the winter clothes were up there and, and then the winter clothes would come down, and you would be psyched.
And I remember, like, hand-me-downs were exciting because I was second in line. So they weren't too, like, ratted up.
I was last. Yeah, so I would be looking at my older brother and just being like, oh, yeah, man, I'm getting that shirt in two years.
That's pretty cool. I did a benefit recently for this hockey team.
You know, hockey stuff is expensive, and I was joking about that.

How, like, the families that, like, hockey families,

if you, like, weren't rich, you had a bunch of kids.

So then it, like, financially made sense.

And, like, the oldest kid got all the new hockey equipment,

and then it just got passed down through, like, five or six kids.

That's right.

And by the end, it would be, like, 1987.

You're, like, the youngest youngest kid and you're still wearing

those leather skates

with like the steel blades,

you know,

out there looking,

looking like fucking

Rocket Richard.

And you have like

a straight stick.

It didn't even have

a fucking bend in it

or anything.

Yeah.

My mom used to-

I got a Stan Makita.

My mom used to try

to sell every,

she'd be like,

look,

try to sell it like they were new clothes. Look at this.
I'm like, I'm last out of four boys. There's a mustard stain.
Don't try to sell me like that. No, you know what was the best was the three quarter sleeves and then they would get holes in the elbows and then it became a short sleeve shirt and then it went into the summer trunk.
Jeans became shorts all the time. Oh yeah.
You know, I think. And then our sneakers were washable sneakers were washable oh my god sneakers are washable you started the first day of school in like boats they were like a size a size and a half too big everybody was like skating on their new sneakers by october they were filthy and around christmas they started to fit and in april your toes started curling up and you weren't getting new ones until august and it wasn't even like people were broke.
It was just like there wasn't Instagram with everybody looking brand new. But we had Depression-era parents, dude.
We had our parents. Parents were kids of that.
So that was a little bit more of we got to use this until the wheel. I think I told you this.
White women didn't want big lips when we were growing up i know or asses that's that's all instagram i was at the airport the other day and i saw two women they had the same lips like they literally went to the same like oh my god where did you get that like she liked her fucking dress or something and they were sitting there they looked fake as shit and they looked the exact same and they were hanging out maybe they maybe Maybe they related yeah maybe they were no no there's something about uh when you get work on your face all of a sudden your face becomes shiny like you always look like you just got out of a steam room i don't know what that is the twitter guy looks like that yeah the guy always looks like he just got done playing half-court basketball. Also, though, everybody starts to look exactly the same.
After one or two plastic surgeries, there's only so much you can do. Everybody kind of looks like Michael Jackson.
For a while, frozen face, which has gone away. Yeah.
There was a moment. Frozen face was like a status symbol like you would like like beverly hills you go out to like malibu and stuff and you know my wife breaks all of that shit down i'm like what the fuck are they doing with the with these these faces and she's just going like you know that's what that's what rich people do and and if you became like a time like if you didn't have work done, it was almost like you were driving like an economy car.
Yeah, that meant you were one of the poors. Yeah, if you didn't have a shiny face.
But I also think like guys like Tom Cruise came back one time where his face was just full and hair still dark. And you're like, just say I got a bunch of shit in my face.
Don show did he do something oh dude tom cruise came this was probably pre not the like two mission impossibles ago and he just came back with full face tom and you're like you dude but what what is the problem like why just be like yeah dude i know i look completely different and, and I know I'm 70 and I don't have any gray hair.

He came back at 60 and looked like he just did The Outsiders?

That's right.

That's right.

By the way, one of my all-time favorite movies.

How about Tom Cruise?

He's on top for 40 straight years.

I mean, there's a handful of people, handful in 100 years.

I was thinking about this, too.

If you think about the Stones, since the mid-60s they've been selling 50 000 tickets a night that's insanity no it is insane i'll tell you what's crazy is their bass player bill wyman quit the band 30 years in and they have now gone on and toured longer than he was in the band that's he was probably thinking like all right i'm fucking because he was older than everybody else he's still alive the guy's almost 90 and he was just think probably thinking i got enough money this shit's gonna go on another 10 years am i even gonna be alive in 10 years yeah let me just fucking chill out and i'm not saying it was a bad decision but there's no way he thought you know if i like i think he quit in early like i always look at them like they broken in 64 but they were probably together 63 62 so he quit around 92 so he was there the first 30 years they've gone on now it's 32 years later there's no way he was like you're right he was probably thinking i can they're gonna tour 10 more years but i got enough money i don't need that 10 years but i bet you he's thought once or twice in the last 30 years amazing about that band is bill wyman left and they replaced him with the black guy and then charlie watts died and replaced him with steve jordan another black guy so like that band is slowly becoming- The Four Tops?

No, a black band.

And when they came out, they were doing blues music.

Yeah.

Now, they gave credit, but it was just sort of like they were a white band doing black

music.

And then eventually, as all of them die, if they continue this, they're going to become

an all black band doing a white band that was ripping off black music.

It's like Robert Downey Jr.'s character.'s character i'm that dude pretending to be another dude that's the same thing i have to go see them um i've only seen him once i saw him on the steel wheels tour in 1989 at sullivan stadium oh shit yeah and this was sullivan stadium yeah and this is before they had like the big the big where the screens would be it just said bud light and i oh, fuck, they're selling out because they did that. So Mick Jagger was like that big.
I didn't really even see him. Bill Wyman was still in the band.
Charlie was still alive. But Steve Jordan is one of my favorite drummers of all time.
Yeah. Of all time.
Like in his entire career. There's some album he did that I've been trying to find.
It's out of print.

He did a Fusion album.

Somebody was telling me,

and I've been trying to find that thing because he plays,

he doesn't play any unnecessary notes.

And Fusion was the opposite of that.

It wasn't like you were playing too many,

but it was definitely really busy.

And I just wanted to be like,

I'm just such a fan. I want to hear what did that part of his career sound like? What year was that? It was somewhere in between the Blues Brothers and him getting in the Letterman Band.
He was the original drummer in the Letterman Band. And it was either right after he left the Letterman Band or right before he got into it.
I forget. But there's a couple of killer fusion albums out there.
There's a band, Brand X, which is Phil Collins. It was funny.
Our whole generation knew him as this Susudio guy. And dude, if you listen to that album, I mean, he's one of the fucking greatest drummers of all time.
And he became like a front man when Peter Gabriel left Genesis. And then they had and the Mechanics I can't even keep up with it like all of those offshoots of those groups but like he is such an insanely talented musician I don't think I know exactly what you mean by fusion fusion okay the first thing you notice is it's hard to listen to.
Okay, that's ringing endorsement. Yeah, no, Fusion was basically jazz music, and I think, I want to say it started with Miles Davis' Bitches Brew, and what he was doing was he was taking from all of this rock and funk and all that stuff, and he was fusing it together with jazz, and then it kind of became, there was this amazing era, it not so good some of it great where it was like fusion which i think then led to like uh uh progressive music which was you know rock music taken to another level that was like in all of this odd time and all of that which i think a lot it, even if it wasn't influenced by what Miles was doing,

it was just the boredom of like,

if you play in a band and every song is in four and your hand just keeps coming down on two and four,

it starts to feel like a loveless marriage.

Yeah, I bet.

Like Groundhog Day, like, oh my God,

how can I do this?

Unless you play into something

that's really stripped down like ACDC, like I've never gotten tired playing along to like ACDC albums but then like a lot of the rock bands that came after that everything was like in four and all that which I've never understood why you wouldn't like in the chorus just throwing like just playing seven or something like that just to sort of switch it up I think honestly like as an artist I would that's exactly how I would think but if you were writing music just for people listening I bet you your idea is like let's keep it the way they like it. Well that's that's the money behind the album I think was always was always doing that but uh I don't know I to- The first concert I ever went to- Oh, great one.
I saw the police and R.E.M. opened up for them.
It was a synchronicity tour. Oh, wow.
And- That's a great one. I remember the guy who took me, my parents wouldn't, obviously, they were like, we don't want to go and you can't go by yourself.
And I found one of my oldest brother's friends was like, I want to go, but I don't want to see i want to see the band that's opening up for him and he was like who is that and he said rem and i had never heard of yeah rem but we went early and there were barely anybody in the stadium that's killer but they were amazing oh amazing amazing it was the first time in the police live during the synchronistic i wasn allowed to like rem until the 90s i just grew up in a very sports yeah yeah dark town yeah it's the end of the world as that would be the end of me i would get the shit kicked out of me it's just like you could not you had to listen to all all of it was you know motley crew and that type of stuff which i still you know i still love all of that music and i'll tell you this you know grossly underrated Motley Crue album is type of stuff, which I still, you know, I still love all of that music. And I'll tell you this, you know, grossly underrated Motley Crue album is the one they did with John Karabi.
That one in 1994. And they didn't want to call the album Motley Crue because Vince wasn't in it.
Right. And then they gave into the fucking label and blah, blah, blah, blah, blah.
I mean, I think if they didn't call it Motley Crue, that could have been so interesting. Like, even if they just had a 2-3 album run with that guy because he was an incredible singer and guitar player.
So they went from sort of like a power trio to having all of a sudden they had a rhythm guitarist underneath what Mick was playing. And Mick writes killer riffs.
We saw Motley Crue at the Bowl. And so Vince Neil, they opened up and they had this giant circular staircase where he was going to run down.
And midway down, he started to get a little winded. Oh, Vince did? Yeah, this was in the mid-2000s.
He started to get a little winded. And so he was singing Kickstart My Heart, and he would run to one side of the stage, but he was so winded, he'd go, Ah, yeah, and he would just lean the microphone out so other people would sing.

He was out of breath.

When he tried to run across, he was just grabbing his sides and shit like he was cramping up.

It's so hard for me to watch.

Listen, dude, that guy's been through a lot.

People need to be a little more forgiving of Vince.

But listen, I love old school stuff.

I mean, it's one of the things that I push down my kids' throats.

I think... giving events but but listen i i i love old school stuff i love i mean i i it's one of the things that i pushed down my kids throats i told you i think when i played baseball in little league i played with you said that like you were angry with it i told you yeah times i gotta go through this but i played with a like a four finger baseball glove that was signed by warren spawn that was the glove we had hand-me-downs like so we've i've always you told me that your grandfather made the gloves for the boston braves for the boston braves he he the last time we wait how does a four finger glove work it was like like one of those so it didn't have one for everything yeah it was one of these it had one big one in the middle right it was signed by nwa yeah and warren spawn yeah we the last time we took him to fenway park he we were sitting up in a box and he said you know i saw babe ruth pitch here and i was like what and he's which is like saying I saw Paul Bunyan chop down a tree.
Right. Saying Babe Ruth.

And I... what and he's which is like saying I saw Paul Bunyan chopped down a tree saying Babe Ruth and um we were all like and then he said I think he would have been so much better if he hadn't drank so much beer I was like I think he was still pretty good I think he still but it was you know my theory I've always teased Yankee fans going like dude you're telling me this fat guy was could win a Cy Young and hit fucking 700 home runs I'm like it was an all-white beer league like what are you doing what the fuck are we doing here and I always go like how if you notice like the last guy to hit 400 is before Jackie Robinson comes in and if you look back in the late 1890s or whatever like three guys would do it a year and then by the 1920s it became like a guy would do it like every two to three years and then it was ted williams did it and no one ever did it again yeah because all the pedros and gibsons and all that were allowed in the league and that was my theory and then fucking otani comes along and it's just like all right maybe i'm wrong how awesome is it to watch him play i i honestly love it's it's a fan, it's amazing.
As a Patriots fan, watching him being like, oh, yeah, it was my interpreter. And maybe he's just like, nothing to see here.
Yeah, they did sweep that under the rug. And then with us, they uphold the investigation of the owner of the losing team.
Like, oh, this is factual. It's like, all right, okay, all right.
Yeah, they really did kind of give him a pass. but he's the whole fucking league.
He is the whole league, and that's what's going on. I'm telling you right now, what's going on with sports right now, I feel like with Kansas City, Kansas City is the whole league right now because they're waiting like Patrick Mahomes needs his Peyton or Brady, and he doesn't have one right now.
And that's how the whole time I've been watching this league, it's always been the two top guys going at it, the two top quarterbacks, and then they'd have great teams and there'd be these epic Super Bowls and playoff games or regular season games. I mean, the Colts weren't even in our division, and they made sure that we played them every fucking year.

So you'd have another Brady, Peyton Manning thing.

And I just feel like right now,

like Patrick Mahomes is twiddling his thumbs.

There's a bunch of people like at the B-plus level. I think they're trying to do it with Lamar Jackson.

Like they make sure they play every year.

And they're trying to do it with him.

He just can't beat Mahomes.

Although the game this weekend was crazy. First of all, the ravens are going to have to win by at least 17 to beat the kansas city chiefs because the amount of money the chiefs are making at the end of the day it's a business and you got taylor swift and she's she's making people in the south pacific watch the fucking game i mean they got lamar Jackson.
It's a business. Yeah.
It's a fucking, there's a reason why they can fucking manhandle people on the final drive. I get it.
Yo, some of those calls in the end zone, and I'm not a conspiracy dude, but some of those calls in the end zone. I'm a businessman.
Yeah. That's what it is.
It's fucking business. Yeah.
And that's it. As much as there's 50,000 Coca-Colas, the red can is still the one.
That's their moneymaker. That's it.
Do you think the league wants a three-peat? I think they want the story. Because right now, there's not like the Buffalo thing was exciting, and then it didn't pan out.
The Stefan Diggs, Josh Allen thing. They're're fucking stories, dude.
Every year there's these stories. That's what the fuck they're selling.
That's the game within the game. So that hasn't worked out.
They look like they were coming back. And then the last two weeks they're getting their asses kicked.
So now it's like maybe it's the Ravens. They wanted Rodgers to be.
They wanted the Jets to do well. Oh, my God.
They wanted the Like, yeah. And I feel like then they went into, they probably go into panic mode of like, Oh my God, that massive market, all of these old guys like me, like I'm a Pats fan.
I'm rooting for Aaron Rogers. Yeah.
I don't want to see that people are mortal. I want to see this guy live for fucking ever.
And then the first fucking game, you know, that stuff happens. And then all of a sudden, dude, that's like a vacuum.
That storyline is gone. I will say, like, there's a bunch of guys that are amazing.
Like Brock Purdy took me a minute and I'm like, no, this guy is the real deal. That guy's a great quarterback.
I love seeing Geno Smith, you know, finally after all of these years. But I didn't like him when he first came in the league, but I love him now.

That Seattle Lions game was fantastic.

But did you see the Seattle lose to the Giants yesterday

on a blocked field goal?

I know, but the Giants, historically speaking,

they're just a great organization,

and they always have a great defense.

But they got Daniel Jones, dude.

Okay, but Daniel Jones now has protection.

I've been shitting all over Daniel Jones going, not that I think he's horrific, but you're going to give the guy $70 million? I'm a fucking comedian. What the hell do I know? But now I'm seeing they beefed up their line, and he has time, and he's a big fucking dude.
But I always wondered. And he's got a great arm.
He does, and he can run. But I always wondered.
He has one eye that Googles a little bit. I always wondered if that helped him as a quarterback, that he could see both sides of the field, or if that hurt him.
Oh, Jesus. Or if that hurt him a little bit.
Well, what hurt him was when he was running for a touchdown and he tripped over nothing. Yeah, that's not good.
That became his butt fumble. That's the thing.
You can do that in a different market. Like, what's his face uh uh sanchez he could have run into the ass

of his line not in new york in carolina no nobody would have fucking saw that he did that on like a sunday night game in new york and that was it i'm spitting here sorry by the way you know those are the kind of things also that that butt fumble i'm sure wherever he goes he still hears butt fumble a thousand percent that will follow him until the day he dies, until somebody does something worse in a Jets uniform. I think that's how that works.
Until sports fans figure out that sports is not going to fill that void, and they actually work out their own shit, because as much as sports fans love seeing success, they also love failure because it gives them something like dude i went to that that uh i went to that um huskies michigan game and this kid came down at the end of the game when the huskies locked it up a kid 22 years old and he was yelling shit at the michigan's players that was so bad they turned around like for? Yeah, and then some trainer had to come over and be like, dude, I will fuck you up. And then he turned around.
He's like, what you getting so mad for? And it was like he just completely, like, you just look at him, and it's like, dude, you watch sports for that moment. That's right.
You want to, like, those, you know, those fans, like, you watch it so you can, like, rub it in. I hate people like that.
Like, it's like, you're not, you're not like, you know um those fans like you watch it so you can like rub it in i hate people like that like they it's like you're not you're not like you're not again those guys also they're the ones that leave with 10 minutes left when their team's getting killed because they they can't take the shit they're just there yeah i knew this comic in fucking new york right i didn't hear from that guy since game three of 2003 yeah i didn't didn't hear from him for fucking 10 years. And then right before we won in 2013, remember we had that year where we just choked in September.
We had a bunch of injuries and stuff. And he out of the fucking, dude, I'm talking like an eight year gap.
I don't accept shit talk from people like that. That's what I said.
I haven't talked to him since. I'm like, dude, you're a fucking clown.
Yeah. I don't accept shit talk.
You're a fucking clown. Where the you're a fucking clown where the fuck have you been yeah where have you been i don't you know i call it the whack-a-mole fans yeah goes good they pop up and they talk all that shit no i lost a lot of respect for him i i will you i'm so glad you went and saw a game up there it's one of my favorite places to see a game up there in seattle it's such a cool stadium and dude it's right on the water it's amazing it's amazing and you could take dude you could bring your wife there if she if she's not even a fan just just go over on a boat yeah that alone what were you doing up there you're doing a show i was up there for the game so when i played a casino in tacoma because i uh had just Seattle.
Yeah. And my wife was up there and, you know, me and all the other comics and the crew, because I was shooting something up there, we all did a day out on this boat.
And we went through the little channel. As you come through the channel, it's funny because they're taking you to see like Bill Gates and the guy who started- You have to drive by his house.
Well, you're on like the boat. So it's funny.
Like there's millionaires on this side of the bridge. Then you go under the bridge.
Then it becomes billionaires. So we're riding through, and I'm looking at how I sort of turned around.
And then there was the stadium. Well, first off, when you go through the canal, they have all the crew, the rowing teams.
And they have all of the fraternities and all this stuff written on the side. So it was really cool.
And I was like, oh, wow is where the huskies campus is it's right on the water this is like beautiful and then we came to the other side i turn around i saw the stadium like that's the husky stadium and i'm like dude we got to go to a game and everybody looked it up you know we're all like michigan i look at michigan and lsu and i was like oh man we got to go to that game we got to go to that game so um you know i lived up there when cobain got when cobain killed himself uh-huh so that was allegedly yeah i couldn't get to my house cia and courtney love working together yeah i couldn't get to my house for two days when because i had a uh a new york license at the time And they weren't letting anyone on the street because there were so many looksy-loos. And I had to park.
Oh, you lived down the street? I lived down the street on a part up there called Leshy. We used to see him out by the water in just this long trench coat and the hat that had flaps and these crazy glasses just sitting on a park bench and i was like that's fucking just by himself just fucking kirk cobain but but joy looking at the water who doesn't like to do that well he was probably sweating off some heroin but but it was it was jesus everybody's getting it i mean well can you let him rest in peace he wouldful.
I'm not going to lie to you. He wasn't too active at the time.
Yeah, if he was on heroin, he would be standing up fucking nodding off on your street. Man, I started in Seattle with Joey Diaz and Brody.
How did you end up? You're a Boston guy. How did you end up in Seattle? Honestly, because.
No, lie to me. Because.
Because. Yeah, I do hate it when people say that.
Because I was looking for a place where there was a ton of stage time and not just five minutes at a time. Seattle was giving you 15 minutes at a time.
All right. Can I ask you a question? What was the name of that club? Comedy Underground.
The guy Terry. Giggles.
Giggles. Yeah, yeah i used to play that guy died right terry was not a good dude oh no i remember the end of the weekend do you remember those those those look like a shoebox when you bought new baseballs they used to come in a big box for some reason so he had that filled up with fives tens and twenties all mashed together being like yeah here you go i figured i'd give you like because he wasn't paying tax I don't know what the fuck he was doing I go dude I'm not going to airport security with this titty bar money and dude it wasn't it wasn't even like stacked it was just thrown in there it was like this is some Don King shit like you know Don King's thing no if he had a fighter and he was like a street guy, he would be like, all right, he owed you $3 million.
He goes, either that or I'll give you $750 in cash. He goes, these street guys will always take the cash.
And he used to fuck them that way. That's what it felt like.
And I was living in New York and he was going to give me a shoebox full of five, tens, and twenties. And by the time I land in Newark, I'm like, hey, wait a minute.
That's the thing. He would say to you, you don't need to count it.
It's all there. I'm like, this is a box full of ones, dude.
I gave him nonstop shit. And he seemed to like it.
But I remember he would trash the younger comics coming up, saying to their face, you're not going to make it. He was an interesting, and he was Mormon.
So he would always say, I can't do that because I'm Mormon.

I'm like, but you're F-bombing this dude up and down.

That's just an excuse.

That's like me.

I got to go home.

I got kids.

Great excuse.

That's not true.

It's like, I want to get out of here.

It's the best reason to have kids. Ah, my wife.

I got to do something with my wife tomorrow.

It's just like, no.

I got to be up early.

I got to take the kids somewhere tomorrow morning.

Oh, my God.

My kids, they get up at like 5 in the morning.

They don't. They sleep till like 7.30.
And people are like, dude, your kid's 27. I'm like, I know, but I got to be up early.
I got to take the kids somewhere tomorrow morning. Oh, my God.
My kids, they get up at like 5 in the morning. They don't.
They sleep till like 7.30. And people are like, dude, your kid's 27.
I'm like, I know, but I got to make sure I'm there for them. Yeah.
If you don't have kids and you move to a new city, just say you have a kid. I'm telling you, it's the one excuse.
Bulletproof. Oh, my God.
Bulletproof. I got a kid, man.
I got to, you know. That was always my excuse.
If I didn't want to, or if I needed to leave somewhere early, oh yeah, I just got a call from the house. I got to go home.
One of the kids is sick. Yeah, they got the sniffles.
Yeah. It's the easiest excuse because nobody's going to be one of the things people are like, fuck your kids.
Nobody's going to say that. I mean, somebody might, but.
As opposed to having to like, you know, listen to these fucking alcoholics. Now, come on, man.
Hang out. Hang out.
It's like, dude, I'm sorry you have nothing to go home for.

That was my favorite thing.

Like the comic, not married, no kids.

Come on, man.

Hang out.

Don't be a pussy.

I'm like, hang out.

It's just like, no, dude, I got people that like.

Like me.

Yeah, I open the door and there's noise.

Hey, how are you?

I don't open door to like a quiet, sad apartment.

Yeah, and a half-eaten ham sandwich. I did that.
I did that. And that's when my drinking was the worst.
I used to literally, when I was on the road, I would stay out until I was almost going to fall asleep. So I would go back to the hotel and I wouldn't have to deal with the loneliness.
Because, you know, for some reason, like going to bed alone is lonely waking up alone easy yeah waking up alone is yeah i'm gonna go to the gym gonna get some fucking breakfast i don't have to deal with anybody else's needs waking up alone fantastic going to bed alone brutal i want to tell you the thing that i that has changed the most about me since i started touring with my son is I don't think I realized

just how lonely I was out there.

Oh, yeah.

Like, I would go eight hours

without talking to a human.

Oh, yeah, yeah.

I've been there.

You know, I'm like,

oh, I didn't say a word to a human being.

I used to pride myself on that.

Oh, did you?

I used to try to go, like, the whole day.

Oh, yeah, it's easy.

Can I go the whole day

until I meet that college rep

where I'd be like,

hi, I'm the comedian. Oh, my God, we're so happy to have you at fucking East Bump Fuck Community College.
We don't have a stage, there's no microphone, and no one knows there's a show. Yeah, and nobody's ever heard of you.
This is a free show. Yes, nobody's ever heard of you.
We just thought you would go up there and just start talking and everyone would gather around like it was a musical like everyone's gonna just sit down

indian style oh those college gigs i think were my although corporate gigs pay a lot and but some of those can be brutal because some people don't know they're there for the corporate gig when they make you eat dinner with them and you're like you're their little play thing for these you know Oh, fuck that.

That's a deal breaker.

I did my first corporate gig and it ended up being a great one but like uh i haven't done one in like i think like 15 years the last time i did one i was at the win and it was a bunch of oil guys from like texas or whatever and they were fucking hammered and they were in ve Vegas. They didn't want to see you.
No, they just wanted, they wanted me to go up there and tell them all to go fuck themselves. Yeah.
And I was like an idiot. I was trying to do my act.
And at one point, I was making fun of them because it was this massive oil spill. And I was just making fun of how much they didn't care.
I'm like, well, you know what? That's that fucking bird's fault for landing in the goddamn oil am i right and they didn't get it they're all like yeah and i was just like 100 bottles of beer in a wall 100 bottles of beer like oh my god when do i get the fuck out of here oh yeah it was like yeah it was awful and they didn't and i remember the way they treated me was unreal yeah like they flew me out there the picked me up and they had like a Rolls Royce. It was funny, I'm dressed like this.
I get in the fucking thing and I remember the back door opened like a suicide door and in the door was an umbrella. It's a Rolls Royce umbrella and I just thought that was the funniest fucking thing.
Just in case? I don't know, I felt like the penguin in Batman. Like I was gonna, I was gonna i was gonna have this freaking yeah in case it rained in the desert right and then uh i went i just knew i i knew it was gonna suck they always suck christmas parties suck private gigs suck college gigs were a were a pick them yep that's a puck puck and a half it's hard now with the college gigs because they have and i stopped doing them because they have all these rules about things you cannot talk about yeah and what's funny is the kids don't give a fuck no they could completely give a fuck and you and they want you to go up there but what what's what's happening is though i feel like they're sitting on these kids chests and they're just gonna they're gonna they're all gonna go jim morrison hell yeah like this next generation of comedians I think is going to be amazing after like the level of like oppression.
It's almost like the 1950s in a way while not being the 50s. And then the 60s, all of this, you know, Lenny Bruce came out in the 50s and then you had like Carlin and Pryor and all of these guys and then it just broke open in the 70s.
It's already like all that cancel shit is, I think, in the past. Oh, dude.
I mean, well, it got so out of control. It went from we need to get people that are sexually assaulting people out of the business to, hey, I don't like the subject matter of your act.
Did you say Jew? It's just like, what? What just happened? Yeah. What just happened? it really was crazy to see how i just

feel like you're punching down it's like yeah punching down takes skill punching up and then

you just an echo chamber of fucking who wants to stand there well i know somebody does

who wants to stand there and just get applause no by the way also like yay we all agree one of the best things and you tell me if you think the same i love making people uncomfortable and people are like well there's no way we're ever going to laugh here tonight again and then you figure you bring them all back together that's kind of a fun thing to do or making them think that you agree with them and at the last second you say something really stupid yeah wait a second he's not on my side yeah but then they laugh because it's they know you're being ridiculous and you're just being a dick and then it becomes like a show i don't uh i don't understand that like uh that that echo echo chamber comedy i don't I don't get it like everyone in the crowd is just like you um I don't you know I don't know it's also not fun and there's no I kind of like at this point irritating people yeah yeah and then getting them on your side that's kind of fun to do i really enjoy it i i hey josh that's our love language you know toxic people do that you call them out on doing some shit they go that's just like my love language it's like well why don't you just say you love me yeah loving things so it's such a you could do that better way for you to do that i i like watching some of these i I like watching when my son will say, do you think I can say that? I'm like, you could say whatever the fuck you want, dude, as long as it's funny. This is our job.
As long as there's nothing malicious behind it. As long as there's...
It's intent, dude. It's intent.
Yeah, it comes down to whatever. This has been talked about.
Where are you going to be on tour here? Look at me, just feeling it. Feeling coming up on an hour.
I'm all over the place, man. I just want to tell you.
I like how you said that. I'm all over the place, man.
I got a bad feeling about this tour, man. I'm all over the place.
For me, dude, I just want to, This special was something that I was told not to shoot the way I shot it.

I was told not to...

They were like...

I had a bunch of people in my corner like,

you're telling me this whole special is just four stories?

It's just four long stories.

And I'm like, yeah.

This is how I...

And they were like, nobody wants to watch four long stories.

I shot it, dude.

And that is based on what?

What they think people want

to watch well that's how suits that's how suits burn shit out they go that works keep doing that

keep doing that keep doing that keep doing that don't have it evolved no no evolution of this

and then when it fails they blame the art form like it's only a matter of time before they're

going to be like the stand-up special is dead the stand-up special is dead it's like well maybe

don't put out fucking 60 billion a year.

Yeah, maybe don't do that.

Maybe be a little fucking discerning

on what you're doing here.

Change it up, man.

Like, every...

Change it up, man.

Change it up.

Is that Freedom Rock?

Turn it up.

I made that reference the other day

and I was like, oh, nobody gets that.

Nobody gets it.

That's one of my favorite late night commercials of all time. Is that Freedom Rock? Turn it up, man.
I shot this special, not glassy floor, not huge theater. I kept it close the whole time because I was like, I want people.
Full frontal. Full frontal, dick out.
Dick out. But I wanted people.
But not aggressive. You weren't a wreck.
No, there was a smiley face. Flaccid.
I went, a smiley face. I put the Grudger Marx glasses on.
Yeah. I liked it.
But I wanted it so you watched it so you felt like you were at the show. No wide shots, no shot of the audience.
And I shot, yo, this, I kept something in there. Wait, you actually made it look good? I tried to.
Yeah, I tried to. You actually approached it as a piece of art.
Yeah, I tried to. No one wants to see that.
I had somebody say to me, dude, I kept a part in where I had to kick somebody out, and I kept the whole thing in. Yeah, it's fantastic.
And I had to stop the show down for five minutes, and then I said to the crowd, we're going to see if this joke is funny after I stopped it for five minutes. Yeah.
And I had to win them back. And I had people saying like, take that out, use the first set.
I'm like, no, this is what we have to do every weekend as a comic. They don't get it.
They don't get it the way I would never know how to run a network. No.
And I would never sit there. You know what you should do?

Well, actually, I did that.

I did say don't put out 50 million a year.

Whatever.

What are we going to do?

So they can see your special.

Four Stories Comedy.com.

Dot Comedy.

Dot Com.

Dot Com.

I'm the worst.

And let's get some dates here.

This is going to come out on Thursday.

This Thursday.

So what do you got?

I'm in Bozeman tonight.

I'm in Salt Lake City Friday and Saturday. And I'm in Boise on Sunday.
And the week after that, I'm in Denver. That's the three whitest fucking, that's amazing.
White with a Y, white. I thought that was the South.
Genuine, white gold. Although I think the whitest place in America is Indiana.
Indiana's like. Not Indianapolis.
No. Indiana.
Outside. Indiana's like white, white.
But the Utah and Boise and Bozeman, definitely some whites there. I know, but they're fun.
Yes. Because you go there and you make fun of how white it is, and they're like, yeah, you know.
I don't know what we got to do here. We're kind of in the middle.
We got to get some more groovy stuff to attract some non-whites out here. It's just sort of us just fucking.
But it is what I do like about out there. It's gorgeous.
And then, like, the lack of traffic and stuff like that. But then there's always something you got.
Then there's nothing to do you know but Montana you get a gun you start shooting at shit I mean that's

they're not gun people they just don't have they're bored yeah the stones don't go to fucking

Bozeman no I bet you they don't and I bet you they pick one of the Dakotas as much as they try to

save the world they don't go to all of the world they don't go there they're not going to Casper

Wyoming yeah no they're not no there's a couple places do't go to all of the world. They don't go there.
They're not going to Casper, Wyoming? Yeah, no, they're not. No, there's a couple places.
Do you go to Casper, Wyoming? Is that the capital? No idea. The capital of Wyoming? I went to Cheyenne.
I did Cheyenne one time, and it didn't go well. It was sort of...
I don't know if I was talking too fast. And I was selling tickets at that point.

I did all right.

But I remember there was so little to do. Yeah.
The one bar in town was the Meathead Bar, the Gay Bar, and the Military Bar. Which one did you go to? No, it was all the same place.
There was just one place to go. And then they had a drive-through liquor store with like a peep show in the back.
There was like dancers in the back. It was fucking wild.
That's a crazy combination. Yeah.
And then I ordered two eggs over easy, dude. And they were almost see-through when the guy dropped.
I don't know if it was a new guy on the ground. I did the gig with Dean Del Rey.
He goes, dude, you can't eat those.

I'm like, I'm starving.

We're going to the fucking airport.

Dude, I'm talking like,

you know that solution you drop your fucking contacts in?

It was like that with a yolk.

When I got married in New Orleans

and we had been in New Orleans for like four days

and I hadn't seen a vegetable.

So we went to a restaurant.

I did a movie there for a whole summer

and I didn't see a vegetable. Dude, with Mike Binder? Yeah.
We talked about it on his podcast two days ago. There was no vegetables.
I literally had to get in an Uber and I had to fucking go over a bridge to get out of New Orleans to buy a juicer. And then Monday, the fucking vegetables would come in and it was like buying concert tickets back in the day.
If you didn't get there by noon, it was gone. The place I went to had a broccoli casserole, and I said to them, I go, what is that? And they were like, it's got cheese and these fried onions.
I go, okay, okay. I just want, can I just get the broccoli? I go, actually, don't even cook it.
Just bring it out raw. And the server said, you know that's going to be crunchy, right? And I was like, yeah, I know what raw broccoli is like.
You know the nutrients are still going to be in it. Yeah, you know it's still good for you when it's crunchy.
One weekend, me and Verzi went down there. And Friday night, we did a show.
Saturday night, we went to LSU, Alabama. Sunday, we just hung out, ate and drank.
And then on Monday night, we went to the Saints Eagles at the Superdome. Before I had kids, obviously.
And dude, I think the heartburn kicked in Friday night. And I kept trying to eat something healthy to make it go back down again.
And then I couldn't. Then I would start drinking beer.
Dude, I'm telling you, like it was acid reflux, like up to fucking here. Like it's, I don't understand that city.
No. I get it.
But it's one of those things when you get there, like, you need to have an immunity drink and all of that. 36 hours.
And stay away from Bourbon Street. 36 hours max.
Stay away from Bourbon Street. Bourbon Street is one of the grossest places.
It's frightening. But the street just south of it or whatever, towards the water, fantastic.
That's where we got married, on that street. Fantastic.
Yeah. they got that antique gun store there amazing it's unreal they have like a gun from the war of 1812 even with the bayonet it's it's and a finger still in there and a finger still in there you know blood on the British guys blood on the other end of it um all of that and like these great places to get like those don't beignets they call them yeah beignets cafe du mon yes yes all of that is fantastic but the genius of New Orleans is they stick all of their fucking tourists because everyone blames New Orleans it is New Orleans it's the fucking tourists yeah of course dude I've told this story before I went there when I was doing the movie my wife came to town and I had a day off it's still when I drank so I had a few in me and we were on this bar on Bourbon Street it was like noon sun's out and everything summertime it's hot so the band was playing like Dixie Lane whatever the fuck they were playing so I started dancing with my wife and she thought it was adorable and everything we're having a great time and then we sit down and she's just feeling like you know I romanced her a little bit you know I added a little you know little sugar instead of relationship there little Billy Two Shoes that's right and she was having a great time and then we looked across the street this fucking woman just as we used to say blowing chow just puking like like she was Coney Island hot doggy I don't know what the fuck she drank and she was like and she like puked and then her friends are trying to help her and then somehow she slipped and fell in her own puke asked first sat down and then she reached up with her puke hand oh i get like and the guy grabbed her and he was hammered and then he pulled it down and my wife was doing that and I was fucking crying laughing it was like that Monty Python skit give me another bucket I'm gonna throw up and dude it was like 1230 in the afternoon yeah there are no quitters down there there's no quitters down there I almost gagged telling that fucking story there was a woman at one of my shows at the Mohegan Sun.
At least you think so. You never know now.
She, well, I think so. She was right up front.
She had one of those. Did you just get back from Istanbul? You have no idea.
It feels like it. Yeah.
She had one of those, Istanbul, is that where it's happening? That's where everybody goes. Everybody goes for hair plugs, get their teeth done.
For some reason, I don't know. Are you going Istanbul for medical? I got to be honest with you.
Somebody, I was on Instagram and there was like a fucking... Get the fuck out of here.
There was this video of this guy got his hair done over there. Joey Fatone went there to get his hair done.
Well, I got this guy. He showed it like three months afterwards.
I said, dude, that looks like it's from the fucking 90s. That does not look...
It didn't look good. Did you ever play Sanford and Sons in Kansas City with...
Stanford. Stanford and Sons.
Oh, yeah. Did you play that with Glazer? And that dude who sometimes wore his wig backwards and shit.
Remember that guy who ran that club? When I was there, one of them was in jail. Yes.
And the other guy. And then we came through with the rich bitch.
So those guys were like sinister. They were.
but his wig was always different depending on what time of the day. Are they still alive or no? No, he passed away like three years ago.
They're both dead, right? All three of them are dead. Okay.
The dad's the only one who's still alive. Those guys were lunatics.
Yeah, they were absolutely insane. They were such fucking lunatic gangsters, drug dealers that I...
But that's old school comedy club owner. To be dealing drugs too? I don't know about that Old school was you had a mob connection If you wanted drugs they could get you I missed that starting in the early 90s But there was another guy who was still around And he had like Everybody makes fun of his wig And I had no idea it was a fucking wig And now I look at it I'm not going to say the name I'm a fucking, you know, as a bald guy, I can't be fucking outing people.
What about that dude who used to run that club in Arizona? Dan Murr? Dan Murr, yeah, he's gone. He passed away.
A lunatic. That wasn't a wig, though.
No, that wasn't a wig. He was just a fucking lunatic.
But that old school comedy club owner was a different breed. They not around that was the improv in tempe arizona david spade shot a special there and i just saw that black and white tile and all of that and i was just like that to to me like all the kids now want to want to play arenas because it's so blown up when i was coming up like that was like oh my god i can't believe will i will i ever play there first time I played there, I opened for Dave Attell.
And I remember he was selling the place out. And I was like, I was already in awe of Dave, but seeing that he sold that place out and that he went up there and not only didn't change his act, like, okay, I'm in Tempe.
I'm not at the cellar doing the 12 o'clock spot. He went even harder.
And one of my favorite things about that weekend was there was a lot of people that were brought to the show not knowing who he was, like discovering who he was. And people just like that.
And then by the end, the amount of people he had like leaning over, just dying laughing. If you took the money out of it, what's your favorite size place to play? Well, probably like a 1500 seater.
But like what's funny is those things are the money. Like you'll make more money.
Like what people don't understand. Okay.
Do you play those big, you play Madison Square Garden, you play Fenway Park. You have to rent it.
You don't just show up and they're like, all right, hey, and all the money lands on you. No, dude, it's just chomp, chomp, chomp, chomp.
Like, I made more money, you know, doing, like, two shows across the street in Newark at, I forget the name of the theater, than I made doing Madison Square Garden. I made more money doing four shows at a theater in Arizona than I did doing Fenway Park.
Dude, you have to pay. They're fucking the overhead.
That's why when you go to see these big bands and they're playing in these big places, that's one of the reasons why it's so much fucking money because they're paying to rent a fucking baseball stadium every night. And they got to pay all their crew.
They got to pay all that. That's one guy used to say fire and fucking yeah shit's flipping around yeah it's it's nuts i hadn't thought of that yeah so but if you just go like lean and mean right and you do if you can do a theater if you can do two shows in one night because you only pay to rent it for one night that's then you can make some fucking money oh and because and it's a better experience for like fans i think so i think comedy although i will i will say the way that they have it down now with the sound and like you know the the screens like they all feel like comedy clubs to me but like i remember uh like when i saw the stones and the who at sullivan stadium back in the day i mean daltrey and pete townsend were like this big like and now you would you can see him so it's like you get to listen in the band like the sound you know the mix and everything is um is incredible like i saw billy joel and stevie nicks at sofi stadium it was fucking amazing when did you see that when was that uh last year how is billy joel now he's fucking unbelievable, dude.
The guy comes out and he's

dressed like he forgot he had a family event. You know, he's just wearing this and then he throws

like a blue sport coat on and he, you know, he's got like his sleeve showing, like not even a long

sleeve on anything. And he comes out, he's just been doing it so fucking long.
I remember he comes

out and it's just, everything's a number one hit. It's two hours of hits, right? Yeah.
It's like,

I saw Elton John in Vegas it was just no opener

I'm just gonna play

three hours of number one hits

this is what he does

so I was like

I gotta see both of these guys

so he goes out

he does like

four or five songs

and that place is like

60,000 people

even if you don't have the field

so he has the field too

and he just sort of leaned

you know

at the four or five

and everybody's cheering

he just goes

it's a big fucking place

yeah

I mean that's how

chill he was

that's how chill he was

and his band

they

Stevie Nicks

they were

they were fucking amazing they've been playing places that big this is what i'm saying for almost 50 years dude in the history of tickets i bet you this well who knows maybe the dead i wonder if the dead has sold more tickets than the stones well they kind of never got off the road, did they? And they probably played way more shows than the Stones. But I wonder if the Dead have sold the most tickets in the history.
All right, dude, I want people to watch your special. Sorry.
You're just going way, way down. Sorry, sorry.
I wonder if the... I do love...
Do you think Tony Orlando sold more tickets than... Yeah, yeah, I don't want to...
Captain and Tennille? Captain and Tennille, I't think sold a whole lot of tickets. I loved Captain and Tennille, and I saw Tony Orlando open for fucking Don Rickles.
Don't tell me you love Captain and Tennille. Oh, yeah.
Well, I had a crush on her and her fucking Dorothy Hamill haircut. All right, that's it.
All right, we've got to wrap this up. The great Josh Wolfe.
Dude, I'm so psyched. Thanks, man.
He finally got this guy. Thanks for having me.
He's one of my favorite people in the business. He's a Boston guy via fucking Seattle.
What's up? FourStoriesComedy.com. Check it out.
He's doing something different. He actually gave a shit.
He shot the thing beautifully. I'm very proud of you, buddy.
Thanks, dude. Happy for you.
Appreciate you very much. All right, thank you guys for listening.
Have a great weekend, you cunts. Hey, what's going on? It's Bill Burr, and it's time for the Monday Morning Podcast from Monday, October 10th, 2016.
Jesus Christ! Holy shit! Fall on the fucking ball! Who else yelled at? Near Knoxville, Tennessee. When that running back fumbled the ball and your quarterback is trying to, God bless him, is trying to pick the ball up.
Why won't they fall on the fucking ball? Everybody's just like, oh, I can pick it up and then run with it. Just fall on the fucking thing.
It's the shape of the fucking ball too. Even if you fall on it, it somehow fucking squirts out.
Oh, you die a thousand deaths. There's three things that have probably brought me closer as far as sports goes.
Just generally speaking, week after week, like a bad cigarette or drinking fucking problem, right? The three fucking plays that get me. I don't know what gets you.
I don't pretend to know who you are and i would never speak for you however i am willing to share with you oh what the fuck did i just do there it is sorry yeah i swear to god i can't get this fucking thing to do anything but if i brush up against the anything it the whole fucking screen disappears you know like people who suck at playing video games you know what I mean? If you're playing like one of those fight games, the other guy's kicking your ass, you just start fucking hitting a million of them. And all of a sudden, like these, these clouds start forming around your guy and he does a little fucking, I don't know, spinning back fist with his foot, whatever the fuck that's called.
Right. Um, that's what happens to me with computers.
And then I, then I, you never know how you just did it. it was like oh shit what the fuck is that i don't i don't know so anyways the three things how's this for controlling my add i'm gonna stick with this here the three gonna get back to it the three fucking things that just make me die a thousand death is deaths plural yes is um because 1,000 is more than one, stay on target, Bill.
Stay focused. Is not falling on a fumble, dropping, you know, catching a fucking ball, running to the end zone, returning a punt, returning a kickoff, running with the fucking, running backs rarely do this.
It's always fucking receivers and people who return kicks. I think they're called kick returners.
For whatever fucking reason, I don't understand why these motherfuckers, they get right to the goal line and then they, boop, they just drop it. Right on the half yard line.
As if they bet the under. That kills me.
Like, how many, like, you would think, like, the first time you saw somebody do that you'd be like oh my

god i'm never fucking that's not gonna be me i'm gonna run to the back of the fucking end zone

then i'll fucking spike it i'll drop it i'll do my little fucking moonwalk whatever the fuck it is

all right the freckled fandango whatever my end zone dance would be called i don't know what

fandango means i just know it's an old kevin costa movie um that and then finally

Thank you. would be called i don't know what fandango means i just know it's an old kevin costa movie um that and then finally my favorite in yours the prevent defense the fucking pre we'll give away the middle and uh we'll give them a fucking 30 yard cushion and rather than them scoring on us on one play they'll score in five plays but the amount of clock that they're going to eat up versus the points that they're going to score is slowly going to kill everybody in our fucking fan base.
You know what I mean? It's really hard to tell fucking voice. It's really hard to tell that I'm not through puberty yet.
It's really hard to tell, like, truly who is a great quarterback in the final two minutes of the game ever since the prevent defense because i think back in the day i mean i know that they didn't want you to get behind them they must have done some early version of it but there was like a few guys that would go down the field you know your roger starbacks your terry bradshaws kent stabler you know but everybody else i mean it was like three or four guys that could do it and now it's just everybody in the league because they're just gonna I swear to you could put you could I'm gonna go a little mic and mic here tell you right now you could put me under center during the prevent defense I could definitely I could complete a fucking pass as long as they didn't know that it was me that that was not a professional quarterback that this is actually a podcaster slash comedian slash uh crafter of shit jokes you know then of course they just play defense you know they blitz or whatever the fuck they would do but if they gave me the respect of an NFL quarterback I could I could dump it off that shouldn't happen on any fucking level. So whatever.
I was watching that, the Tennessee,

Texas,

Texas,

Texas,

Texas,

Texas,

Texas,

Texas,

Texas,

Texas,

Texas,

Texas,

Texas,

Texas,

Texas,

Texas,

Texas,

Texas,

Texas,

Texas,

Texas,

Texas,

Texas,

Texas,

Texas, of an NFL quarterback. I could, I could dump it off.
That shouldn't happen on any fucking level. So whatever I was watching that, um, the Tennessee, uh, Texas A&M game.
What a fucking game. You know, I want to say that Tennessee shot themselves in the foot with their 58 fucking turnovers, but you got to give it up to Texas.
I mean, they just kept making them happen. You know, I mean, I want to think that somebody on the coaching staff or the volunteers said hey guys let's say we protect the football let's say the next time we gain 80 yards on one fucking play in this team we tuck the thing away you know put two hands on the fucking ball um i know that they were saying that yet the turnovers just kept coming you know it was just i don't know it was fucking an amazing game and um i have to tell you coming from a professional sports city you know the safe suburbs as i always say ever since goodwill hunting everybody thinks you grew up in southie you stole cars you're good at math and you like apples that's not me that's not the guy i am i grew up in the safe suburbs there was street hockey there there was uh there was little league baseball we had a great place to get ice cream you know not saying that there weren't fucking maniacs you know they later got into fight and accidentally bit people's ears off because they were biting on the air and the guy would go to push them away and the part of the year would come off i'm not saying that people like that did not come from my town i'm just saying more so than not people did not bite other people's ears off now you're getting towards the uh you know downtown area like the you know who knows what the fuck would happen all right that's all i'm saying anyways let me get back to this shit so uh coming from a uh the safe suburbs of a of a major fucking city that's a professional sports city um i i can't believe that i haven't watched college football like i've been watching it since 2007 so i'm almost a decade in but the years that i lost it's a fucking travesty i'd watch it a little bit but i i have to be honest with you if you watch sec football if you watch the vern lundquist gary danielson if you just watch that game every week okay which is usually a fucking sec game you watch an sec football game i'm telling you the nfl in in this time this particular time cannot fuck with those games.
They're unbelievable. They're just fucking, even last week, that was an ACC game.
The Clemson-Louisville game was fucking crazy. I mean, it kind of helps this year.
Somebody was bringing it up that everybody seems to be scoring 30 and 40 points. Speaking of which, what the fuck happened to the Oregon Ducks? Did the whole school, did the whole team from last year just say, yeah, we all want to be eligible for the draft? I don't know what happened to them.
What's going on with you, Cleo? You're all fucking itchy. All right, just lay down, buddy.
Lay down. You don't know how to come up on the couch.
You don't. Your idea, you can't just have your part of the couch.
You up here and then you just you fucking you know you're all over me i understand it i like you but i got a podcast too so go lay down buddy go lay down buddy go on there you go um anyway so i ended up um watching the tennessee game um at home in los angeles now some you, if you listen to this podcast, you're like, well, wait a minute, Bill. How the fuck were you at home on Saturday? Saturday.
As they say in the Boston area, why don't you come over on fucking Saturday? There's one little consonant in there. It's Saturday.
come on come on over on saturday um he was supposed to be down in the swamp at the florida lsu game that fucking stadium i've wanted to go there since emmett smith played there i always loved the colors the blue with the the orange helmet. Emmitt Smith was the shit.

It just, I just, I've wanted to go there for fucking ever. They've always had great teams.

Florida football has always been, it's just my whole, probably since my teens when Jimmy Johnson,

how about them Cowboys, came into fucking University of Miami. Then you had the other

guy there at Florida State, Billy Bowden, whatever the fuck his name was, who couldn't,

his field goal kickers were always wide left and wide right, you know. I've been wanting

I'm going to go to that stadium forever. But of course, the hurricane came in.
And one of my buddies was saying early in that week, we get so fucking crazy excited. And you got to have this as a guy guy when you get older you have to have that thing that you do the guy's weekend thing is fucking corny as they try to make it sound as much as it sounds like a fucking beer commercial like those are the things and women should have them too whatever it is that they want to fucking go do i know it involves wine their own way of getting fucked up and everything you know, food and all that shit.
Um, I like to stand out in a parking lot in the elements, eating stuff that I don't really know, uh, what they put in it, like hot dogs and that type of shit. So anyways, we're getting so excited to go to this fucking game.
Uh, my the tickets. Somebody else handled the fucking car service to get over there.

And I went out and I got the cigars.

All right.

I came in there loaded for beer.

I got a hookup.

I'm not going to say, oh, whatever, whatever.

I had some fucking sticks.

All right. I had some fucking just picture every fucking brand of Cuban cigar that you know, Cohibas, Partagus, Partagus, however the fuck you say it, tomato, tomato.
I had Monte Cristos. I just, I had some fucking tremendous sticks.
And I brought it up. There was five of us.
I brought 15 Cuban cigars cigars right we could each smoke one every fucking night and each one was going to get progressively more insane start with the mild one thursday go a little medium and then the fucking you know we just i don't know we just fucking won a world war that's the one you got to smoke on the game on day game right so the beginning of the week we're all fucking amped up we're texting each other and everything and then my buddy who lives on the east coast because everybody out on the west coast we don't pay attention to the east coast you fucking get up three hours before we do by the time we have a cup of coffee the day's half over there's no there's no point of even reading the newspaper everything has already progressed like another 12 hours so i didn't pay attention my buddy texts me he goes uh there would have to be a fucking hurricane this weekend and i was like get the fuck out of here right and the game plan was we were flying into atlanta and like assholes i we booked us atlanta we were doing a gig and then we were going to gainesville to do the show but like assholes we didn't book hotels until the last second and already a hundred thousand people coming in to see the fucking game. There was no hotels.
So guess where we got our hotels. Take a wild guess.
What Florida city we got our hotel rooms, Jacksonville, Florida. That's where we were going to go.
So we were going to fly down from Atlanta and then pick up a rental car, drive over to Gainesville, do the gig Friday night, drive back, drop off the rental car, go back to the hotel, smoke another stick, fucking jump in the car service, go over there and see fucking a legendary football program in the greatest conference that's out right now, the SEC, right? So I hear the hurricanes coming.

So I go, all right, you know what?

They're probably going to cancel a bunch of flights.

Fuck this.

So I get a rental car.

I get a rental car.

Oh, Cleo, please don't puke on the rug.

Do you need to go outside, buddy?

What are you doing?

Huh?

Was that just you or was that me?

That was you.

You okay?

Don't step in the recorder. Cleo.
God damn it. Just sit down, dude.
Just sit down. Just sit down, please.
Can you please sit down? Sorry, guys. Anybody else's dog eat grass even if they're not feeling well? Even if they're feeling well, they just fucking eat grass.
Why do you do that, Cleo? Huh? Sometimes you just talk to them, they get so focused on you and they put their ears up. No, no, go lay down, go lay down.
Do you need to go upstairs? You want to go see mommy? All right, hang on a second, hang on a second. All right, come here, come here.
Come on, go see mommy, come on. Oh, that was a great move Fuck she didn't puke Puked up something There goes that sock There goes that sock Alright anyway so that was the game plan So I was like alright so you know they're gonna be overly cautious They're gonna cancel the fucking flights And blah blah blah blah So we'll just fucking drive down well everybody's leaving the hurricane we're gonna fucking drive down the 75 south well so we fucking land and uh they're supposed to make a decision thursday at one o'clock and they don't make a decision so me and bartnick are in the fucking are in the lobby and we're excited that they, yeah, dude, come on, man.
This is fucking, this is the South. They're playing this fucking game.
They're playing the game. They don't want to cancel this fucking game and have to fucking refund 100,000 tickets and try to figure out when to reschedule.
They're fucking playing it. And we got excited, and we had hope, and then the whole fucking thing, it, you know, it went up to a category four, and it all fucking went to went to shit but i gotta tell you actually if i was even trying to drive down to the south like they evacuated so many people smartly by the way i mean only three people died in a category four well you know down in haiti like you know a couple hundred they said even more died uh granted we're first world we have better structures and that type of shit but you know back in the day i mean that would have been us like i was thinking about that back in the day like you know when you didn't know a hurricane was coming i mean you saw like signs but like by then you only had like six hours to try to get the fuck out of there what am i trying to say? Long story short is even if we try to drive south, they just completely closed off the southbound 75 at some point.
And it was just like all of Florida driving up. So it didn't work out.
So then we were like, okay, how do we save this weekend? Because my buddy, the one who told us about the fucking hurricane, he had not even left left yet so he's at home with his wife and his kids he's a total family man and once a year he goes out you know has some beer smokes a stick it's just you know and he goes this is the one weekend where his kids didn't have any sports all right we got to make it happen for this guy so we start looking around where the fuck can we go the georgia bulldogs home no they're in south carolina south carolina is three and a half hours away let's fucking drive to that one and then we find out it got fucking moved to sunday fuck can't go to that game what else do we got unc i just went to unc i don't want to watch them play notre dame notre dame stinks or is that nc state playing them. I was like, look, dude, I'm not driving into the

fucking Carolinas. The goddamn

the fucking storm is coming up that way.

All right. What about Tennessee? Let's go to

the volunteers. Fuck it.

We'll do it live, right? Let's

go to where we're all fucking in a panic.

Who's Tennessee playing? Texas A&M.

The Aggies. Great fucking game.

Where are they playing? College Station.

Fuck. All right.
Who's next? Who's next? Alabama. Alabama! The Dreamings tonight! Where are they playing? Who are they playing? They're playing Arkansas.
Where are they playing in Arkansas? Fuck! Alright. Auburn! Auburn! War Eagle! War Eagle! Who do they got? Who do they got? Mississippi State.
Mississippi State. Where are they playing? Auburn? Mississippi State.
Shit! All right. It was just fucking the three of us standing at this fucking, over this sports page trying to salvage this fucking weekend.
Looking, everybody was away. The only way to get to any of the games that we wanted to go to that weren't in the path of the fucking hurricane was that we were going to have to fucking you know we were like Clemson what about Clemson they're playing BC ah they're going to kill him where they play in Boston College shit right over and over and over right so the only way we're going to get to him is if we fucking uh you know I don't know if we jumped on a plane and I was already not working the next night so So we're just going to hang in Atlanta and then jump on a plane.
It was just, it got to be too fucking crazy. But for half a second, we did consider, um, we did consider the, the, uh, Alabama Arkansas game, but, uh, so it didn't end up happening, but, um, you know, what do you, what the fuck are you going to do? It was still, it was still great to, you know, it was cool when I got home.
I got to chill with my wife and I got to watch all those great games. And I didn't have to be in the path of a fucking hurricane.
I wasn't another asshole that the poor fire department had to try to fucking rescue because I didn't listen to their warnings. You know what I mean? And so, anyways, Jesus Christ, that storm was fucking nasty, man man my condolences to anybody down in the jacksonville area you know i hope you made it out all right as far as i mean pretty much people made it out but i hope your stuff is all right because god knows those fucking insurance companies you know they just oh yeah we don't cover that you ever see that see that one that Spike Lee made about New Orleans where they're like, they just were looking at the waterline? We'll cover anything below the waterline.
They're like anything above it. It's your fault.
It's just like you motherfuckers, man. Like.
Like what? What kind of people are you? You know? I don't know. Anyway, sorry.
Can you tell I'm also typing in my password here? So anyways, I got some more iPhone stories for you. I got time for a quick iPhone story.
So I got the iPhone 7 now, all right? And I want to thank everybody who tried to help me out with even the condescending ones or this new generation people who are saying they were cringing me and my boy i had to tweet my boyfriend works at the apple store or and i work at the apple store too we both cringing as we were listening to you talk about like why why are you cringing for i wouldn't cringe for you like if i watched you two geniuses try to change a fucking tire or drive a stick shift as they say you millennials can't do if that's the truth i wouldn't cringe i'd try to teach you how to do it cringing i felt so bad i was so awkward i really think this whole generation the reason why they're always using that that term awkward is because they were so sheltered that i don't think that they kind of work shit out amongst themselves as kids the way we did. Now, granted, my generation was too far the other way.
They didn't know what the fuck we were doing. And I think with millennials, there was an overcorrection.
I think this next generation, they're going to get it right. It's like, you know, you can't have them fucking joining, you know, those groups where there's all these pedophiles you know

you know what they are I am not

going to say I'm one rhymes with with the

the rubs

louts

the rub

shouts

you also don't want to

they're very young it's probably not good

to have them take a

I can't even

say right

a Haradi class

Thank you. they're very young.
It's probably not good to have them take a, uh, uh, uh, I can't even say it right.

A Haradi class.

Um,

you know,

shit like that.

The,

the kinds of places,

and then you can just say church groups,

church groups are in the big one.

You just,

you just can't have them fucking,

you know,

but you have to let them play outside.

You got to let them solve shit,

you know,

interact with each other and shit like that. Like, you know what I mean? Like, I think we went too far the other fucking direction.
And I can say that having never had a child. So anyways, somebody told me that, you know, when I sat there and I counted all my contacts, I didn't realize, and this is all shit that you guys can laugh at me about, but I know but i know there's a lot of you especially in my generation do not know this if you scroll down to the end of your contacts it'll tell you how many you have i was off by one i said 113 i had 114 who knew who the fuck knew um and by the way if you didn't use the cloud uh getting all your contacts back not a big deal not a big deal it's just as you need the person's number you're like fuck i don't have the number who do i know that knows him you just you know by then you have that person's number and you gradually put it all back together again it's so it wasn't as bad as i thought and then somebody gave me a great suggestion saying well there's there's uh these places you can go to that they can retrieve lost data or whatever the fuck, whatever the computer term is that.
So I might try that with my phone. I have not turned it on since then.
I'm going to try sometime like Tuesday morning. Hopefully I can turn it on and grab a couple.
The guy used to work on my truck. He moved arizona and uh he recommended this great place here in california to tune it up and all that type of shit and i lost his fucking number and because he's a crazy car guy like his website still has like a fucking california number so i should probably just give it a try but anyways so anyways so i had to get the iphone 7 because I fucked fucked up my phone i got it all wet and shit and um so now this one's waterproof so they had this little fucking umbilical cord off of it and i was sitting there going there's no fucking way i'm not going to lose this thing i have to be on my best behavior with this so i was literally carrying that little cord around in the iphone box with me while i was on the road because i was too paranoid to even leave it into the phone because I was afraid I'd go to put it in my pocket.
It'd pop out. I wouldn't know.
I don't know what. So I somehow make it across this country and back.
I still have it. I went back to my house to use my gym, you know, instead finishing up the fucking kitchen, you know, um, and I had it there and I went to grab a few things and I don't know, I got back to the place that I'm renting and it was just gone.
It was gone. And I started to have a meltdown and I was just like, this drives your wife nuts.
Don't do it. Don't fucking do it.
And I tore apart everything, couldn't find it in the house. I drove back to my place.
I couldn't find it there. And I just said, fuck this.
And I drove over to the Apple store and somewhere over there, I just got into this fucking Zen place. I was like, dude, this is 100% your fault.
It's not Steve Jobs' fault. It's your fault.
You should have just left the fucking thing in your phone. I'm sure you can pick up the phone and fucking shake it.
And I'm sure nothing, you know, I'm sure it probably doesn't even come out because they probably already knew that that was going to be a fucking concern. So I drive over there.
You know, I pull in. I just said, fuck it.
I valet my old Prius, dirty as shit right now, because I still have to get the dents taken out from that fucking road rage cunt slammed into the person two people behind me um so i just got that thing it's got dents i'm gonna get pulled out while i get it washed so it's really looking bad so i pull in and the valet place at the mall they go like yeah what's what's your phone number and i'm just like yeah none of your business i go i don't give out my phone number that's what i used to say now i just go i don't have a phone because they're just going to call you and it's just they're just all of those things by the way all of those phone numbers and all of that shit i'm telling you all gets bundled and it gets it gets sold there was a lobby there was something the lobby there was something something going on in washington with it with what they were saying what i was saying much more intelligently and written down on paper saying that you ought to to get a piece of it. If somebody's going to sell your information, shouldn't you get a cut? Right? 10% something.
I'm sure that got shot down. But anyways, so I just pull up and I just say, yeah, I don't have a cell phone.
So then they just take your name down. And there's always ways to get around it.
You just say, yeah, no, I can't do that, right? So I go into the Apple store and I walk up to one of of the geniuses and I said, yeah, Hey, I need the little fucking umbilical cord. And they said that right there over the, over there on the wall.
And I just walked up and I grabbed five of them. Okay.
I grabbed five of them and I grabbed this other cord where it was, you know, where you can plug it into your phone and someone else can also plug their headphones in while you plug your headphones in. And you can both listen to the same song.
Now I did that because whenever I'm on a plane, he's always like, listen to this song. It was a great song.
And I was just like, I'll get that one for her. Right.
So I walk up to one of the dudes with the fucking iPad and I just say, yeah, hey, I want to I want to fucking. I want to buy these.
Right. So they're all looking at me like, what the fuck? Right.
Why do you have so many? It was two geniuses and one of the one of the people who's just trying to buy some shit there and one of them finally goes to me goes i gotta ask you how come you're buying five of these and i was like uh because i know what kind of a moron i am and the dude was like what i go everybody's a moron so you gotta include me so you gotta figure out what kind of moron you are so uh i'm the kind of moron that's going to lose at least four of these in a year. So I'm getting five and they all fucking laughed.
And I joked. I somehow was able to joke my way through the whole fucking experience.
I kept it light and I and I didn't lose my shit. Oh, except when I got into it with that one guy.
I forgot when I was driving back, this guy came barre up the street and I and I live on a street where it's one of those streets where it's like it should be one way but it's two way and he came flying up and I was rushing over so I just had to slam on the brakes I just kind of gestured like really do and I back up and then he pulls up alongside me he's big fucking jaguar and he goes he goes yes is there a problem I go go, yeah, I try to stay calm, I go, yeah, man, I go, you're driving too fast through the neighborhood here, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, he goes, I go, you know, it's a one-way street, he goes, it isn't a one-way street, I go, yeah, but with the cars parked, you know, you know, I go, you're coming through here like 30, 40 miles an hour, he goes, this car won't go 40, which I don't even know what that means, won't go 40 on street i have no idea i was just like dude there's kids on this street then i lied i go dude i have a kid just trying to make my argument better he goes i got three kids and he holds up the fingers too like all right and then he just said something he goes now do you feel stupid That's what he said to me He goes Now do you feel stupid

I wish I could go back to that moment and just say to him like dude i always feel stupid but this has nothing to do with that dude you're driving like a fucking maniac you got three kids yeah i bet they don't live on this street you cunt and i was trying i was trying because i've done this before with people on that street i just speak in a slow tone just go dude i got kids you know i just lie and i say i got kids plural just totally lie out my ass the reality is i don't want to have a head-on collision with somebody so um you know last couple times i did it even like the young punk kids and shit you know with the fucking hats that match their fucking shoelaces even then all right, all right, cool, all right, sorry. You're like, yeah, cool, no problem, you know? And this guy just wasn't avid.
He just goes, now do you feel stupid? And then I just, once he said that, I said, ah, you know, go fuck yourself. We both fucking drove away.
So that did happen on the way over this. So anyway, so I go to buy all of these fucking things and i'm making fun of myself because guys i'm really trying not i mean it's funny when i do it on stage it's not funny when i do it in real life or around the house i'm really trying to work on my temper so i was making fun of myself going yeah i'm the kind of fucking moron that's gonna lose four of these in a year so i'm buying five so they all laugh and the guy's like all right now what's that gonna be like seven thousand dollars and he said no it was like 75 bucks or something if these little ass fucking wires five of them like 25 a whack or 20 a whack whatever the fuck it was but plus i had the other thing so i go to open my wallet to take out my credit card and what is sitting in the fold of my wallet is the fucking attachment i couldn't find i must have put it in the same pocket and i just here.
Look at this. There it is.
Now, now I got six. I'm a fucking moron.
They were just all laughing. It made me feel good.
Even though they were laughing at me, it just made me feel better that, uh, you know, I don't know. I gotta be, I gotta learn how to fucking do that, man.
Cause I am, uh, I am a lot, you know, I'm funny on a podcast. I'm funny for an hour.
hour but after that dude i i can be a lot to live with so anyways i'm working on myself i'm actually considering going to speak to somebody and uh you know because i swear to god like i have two things i want to do i want to just actually sit down and maybe read some instructions on my iphone and actually make it something that I can use. And computers actually maybe learn about them rather than screaming to anyone who listened about road robots and being microchipped, you know? And then also I would like to, to, uh, if I could just have the same sense of humor I have about big shit, when big shit happens, I do not flip out.
Little shit happens like I lost a fucking little cord on my phone. I fucking lose my shit.
So if I can just somehow, you know, not lose my shit in the car and the technology thing, those are my two biggest fucking goals. If I could just laugh my way through that shit, I would be a much better person.
I think I'd be a lot easier to deal with, you know? Um, and I'll just go after it the way I go after other shit. I've never really tried to fucking like full on try to fix my temper the way I try to lose weight, work out, play drums or whatever.
By the way, dude, I am in a fucking Iron Maiden rabbit hole right now clive burr the whole fucking number of the beast album it's just i can't stop listening to it that and peace of mind um nico mcbrain i am fucking uh yeah that's where i'm at right now but anyways anyways, let me read a little bit of advertising here.

Speaking of which, has anybody watched Luke Cage yet?

I love that I brought that fucking dude up a long time ago on this podcast, man.

That was one of my favorite comic books was the Spider-Man and Power Man one.

It was about the NYPF fire department.

A buddy of mine actually ordered it on eBay and got it for me, man. I hadn't seen that since like 1978 or 80 when it came out.
And I watched the first episode. I liked it.
They did the usual shit that they do with superheroes. Like, you know, we just sit there like, will you fuck this chick already? Why are you letting this guy slap you in the head? They always have them do that shit before they just fucking you know throw somebody through a wall i watched that and i also watched um uh westworld which you want to hear something hilarious i i loved that movie when i was a kid i loved yul brenner was huge i mean nobody said draw like him when he could draw he did this fucking he just had the best voice ever badass with the fucking shaved head and all that shit um i love that movie to the point i remember like 15 years ago not 15 it was probably like 10 years ago i actually called my agent and i said hey how much would it cost to buy the rights to westworld because they just started started redoing all these things.
And I'm like, there's no fucking way you could make a killer movie out of that. And, of course, they came back.
It's like $9 zillion. I didn't realize it was a Michael Crichton book and all that shit.
So I obviously didn't have the money. And thank God I didn't have the fucking rights to it.
Because I have to tell you, I watched the first episode of Westworld. They completely completely 100% took it to another fucking level updated it it's it's unbelievable I actually like that pilot better than the Luke Cage one slightly better I thought the Luke Cage one was the shit so now I got two new shows bang bang to fucking watch definitely check those out and if you want to laugh by the way I ran into a buddy of mine uh willie barcia who i've seen in fucking forever he's the real deal he's a fucking hilarious comedian and he has a stand-up special uh that he just put out and i wanted to give him a shout out if you get a chance to check him out all right let's get back to the advertising here all right dollar shave club everybody uh guys you know to go to Dollar Shave Club for a fantastic shave.

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That's dollarshaveclub.com slash burr. And the next one is, how many more of these are there? I always try to break them up, but there's a lot.
Let's do three and two. All right.
Three against two here. All right.
Blue Apron, everybody. Not all ingredients are created equal.
This is like reverse JFK. Fresh, high-quality ingredients make a real difference, so it's important to know where your food comes from.
Talk about your personal experience with Blue Apron, the meal you cooked, the ingredients overall, how it tasted, how it felt cooking it, etc. Well, I haven't used it yet, but it sounds amazing.
How about that? That's my experience. I made a potato pancake for the first time today, gave it to my wife, put a little salmon on it with some fucking, uh, what's that white shit? Sour cream and a little bit of dill on top.
All right. A couple of eggs over each couple of eggs over each.
And I gave it to her and, uh, I actually walked out of the room cause then I had to make my eggs because how do you make four fucking eggs over easy with the standard frying pan you can't do it somebody has to suffer so i came walking in afterwards i tried a little potato pancake i was like that tastes pretty good and you know what my wife said she said that was better than the one that i had at brunch bam okay and i'm gonna tell you right now when you start making meals like that for your lady everything else goes to the next level all right i wish that there was a blue apron when i was a kid uh christ we had to grow our own fucking potatoes these people are gonna bring them right to your goddamn door for less than 10 bucks per meal blue apron delivers seasonal recipes along with pre-portioned ingredients to make delicious home-cooked meals what sucks the most when you're fucking making a meal it is taking out the little fucking measuring cup and the little fucking teaspoon. Was it a teaspoon or was it a tablespoon? Fuck! They eliminate all of that.
Blue Apron knows that when you cook with incredible ingredients, you make incredible meals, so they set the highest quality standards for their community of artisanal suppliers, family-run farms, fisheries, and ranches. Whether it's Japanese ramen noodles, wild-caught Alaskan salmon, or heirloom tomatoes, Blue Apron is bringing you the best.
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I always picture you guys squinting as you try to hear me read this. Come on, Bill, get through one sentence without stuttering.
You will love how good it feels and tastes to create incredible home-cooked meals with blue aprons so don't wait that's blueapron.com slash burr blue apron a better way to cook all right and then we just got two more i'll read those later um is that my is that is something done are the cookies done what's going on here by the way uh what was i gonna say uh i weighed myself today i'm in the buck 70s which is perfect get myself i want to be 172 i think i'm gonna come in about 175 but that's fine all right that is gonna be fine tipping the scales at 175 as long as i got that seven is the second number uh i'll be all right you know but i'll tell you my walk around weights about 210 210 if I could eat and drink the way that I wanted to by the way

guess what came the other day? Guess what came? I ordered it back in June. My Jaguar came.
I fucking picked it up today. I can't, like the Catholic guilt that I fucking had that I actually went out and fucking, you know, did this, but it wore off

the second I got behind the fucking thing. I came walking into the showroom, dude.
I ordered the color, everything underrated, under fucking rated ordering a car. You just go to the website, everything that you want, you just fucking order it.
It's like blue apron, except it's a fucking car, right? Everything is perfect. This fucking car.
Oh my God. It's, it's, it's like blue apron except it's a fucking car right everything is perfect this fucking car oh my god it's it's it's fucking insane um i'll post am i gonna post it i don't want to post a picture because no one has this color out here um i'll be like that chick driving around that pink cattle uh fucking corvette out here but um even nia because she's all like, you know, women, dude.
Like when a guy gets excited about some stuff, I swear to God, it's like you're looking at another woman. They always got to fucking take you down.
It's kind of cute and kind of annoying, you know, but I'm mostly annoying and way less cute. So, you know, whatever.
And so I come walking, so I come walking and they got the whole, they, they actually backed it into the showroom and they put a car cover over the fucking thing. Right.
And they fucking did the unveiling. They took it off to it.
It's just fucking, it's the fucking, I don't give a shit. It's the British racing green with the black rims, black grill.
I got that, that the fucking, I had the analog gauges.

I didn't get all wheel drive because I wanted the rear end to kick out a little bit.

I got the rear wheel, 390 fucking horses.

I'm going to take it over to Galpin to get a new exhaust system on it.

Because right now it's very, a very refined sound.

I like a little more of a growl in it.

It's, it's, dude, it is the fucking shit.

It's like, what if Steve McQueen drove a fucking, uh steve mcqueen drove a jaguar and had two kids because it is a four-door let's not get crazy bill let's not get crazy um dude it is it's fucking awesome and uh i love it because everybody out here that has a four-door sedan either has a mercedes a bmw an audi and then to a lesser case a lexus

but that's more of a younger person's car i feel uh those cars are all fucking great and um i a lot of ways like those have kind of become the muscle cars of today are the four-door sedans which is perfect you can actually put somebody in it's like an adult person's car um oh my god like i absolutely in love with this car so um it was fucking hilarious and i got the price i wanted everything so then of course dude i i just did i did everything right i got these foot the floor mats are uh they're not like the carpeted ones that after a while they start wearing out and everything i ordered these these like these rubber fucking mats that look like the shit.

They say Jaguar on them.

And they actually, they're a little bit different color black than the carpet.

So they kind of pop a little bit.

I mean, the car is the fucking shit.

And it's going to kill me the first time somebody opens a door into it.

But I always just think of the way Steve McQueen drove that car in Bullet.

The way those good old boys drove that fucking 69, what was it, they fucking broke one of those every week fuck it he's supposed to drive it I remember fast and loud one time they bought a Ferrari like f40 and uh the whole the frame had been bent and all that and they saw it they were all laughing they were just going like you know what dude if you buy a car like this at some point it should look like this obviously you shouldn't

crack up your car but they're meant to be driven but um i don't know i can't believe that i have

that that nice of a car so i want to thank you stop before i keep fucking gloating about the

car thank you to everybody care i came out to one of my shows um and watched my shit and told people

about it because uh you know uh yeah i wouldn't have that car if you didn't so thank you and um

Thank you. I'm actually going to miss the Prius, though.
I'm actually selling it to a friend of mine. So it's getting a good home.
And I got to tell you, underrated the fucking Toyota Prius. I had nine years, 85,000 miles on the fucking thing.
I changed the oil. I did everything on it.
It's a fucking, that thing will go for 200,000 miles easy if the next person changes the oil and all the lubricants and all that type of shit. Just regular maintenance and all that type of stuff.
But they're just fucking great cars. You know what I also found with the Prius, dude? When people, all my friends found out that I was getting a new car, I had like half a dozen people going, dude, what are you doing with the Prius? I'll buy it off you.
All these comics are loving it because it has good gas mileage. They actually have a decent resale value.
So the amount of shit that those cars get, man, they're kind of a good investment. They're fucking cheap.
They're cheap on gas. The whole fucking time, every time the gas went up and went fucking crazy, I never paid more than between $35 and $38 is the most I ever paid.
the rest of the time it was about 27 to fill the fucking tank and uh when it would drop really low like when we would start producing oil and then saudi the saudis would be like oh fuck let's put them out of business and then they would overproduce you know all the fuel and all that type of shit and then it would just plummet i mean i there was there were days i filled that car up for like 18 or 19 bucks so uh i will definitely i'll definitely miss that thing but this thing is just oh it's just fucking it's a beautiful car red calipers um all right let's let's let's plow ahead here uh i have yet to watch the japanese formula one i feel like i i got you guys all excited who are into that type of racing uh or into racing i guess just to say and uh and i've just i've dropped the ball on um singapore malaysia and now japan it's just because this fucking house i'm renting this guy has like cable from like the fucking 1800s. And I got all the races taped.
I've watched Singapore. I haven't watched Malaysia yet where Lewis Hamilton was going to win the race.
And then for whatever reason, his engine just fucking blew up. I have no idea who won the Japanese one.
I haven't gone on the internet. I'm not looking at my Twitter feed.
I'm going to watch that tomorrow. And me and Nia actually knew a couple of people that were over in Japan, and I was, you know, they're having a baby or something.
So they're doing a baby moon, which I guess is people, before they have a baby, they go some fucking place. And, you know, they're in Japan.
So I was saying to Nia, it's hilarious. Typical guy shit.
This is typical guy women shit. Like I say, oh fuck,

they're in Japan.

Well,

text so-and-so,

let him know that the Formula One race is there tomorrow,

man,

and that he should go.

And then my wife's just like,

immediately,

just looking at like a chick,

like,

yeah,

she's not going to want to do that.

And I'm thinking like,

yeah,

but he would.

Fucking guys like into motorcycles

and cars and off-road people.

Why the fuck would you want to,

dude,

go to a Formula One race in Asia?

Are you fucking kidding me?

I'm telling you, even if you're not into that shit, you got to watch the Singapore.

The Singapore race was fucking incredible.

Like they do it at night.

And then after when the city's beautiful, right?

Granted, you're not allowed to do anything.

And one of the guys spit gum on the street and they fucking detained him for six hours um i think they were just showing off because when i was there i was like i heard if you spit gum on the on the street you get arrested they go nah they'll give you a fine or it's not like that or maybe they were soft pedaling at the hotel so you wouldn't be afraid to go out and go spend some money i have no idea but all i know is this one of the fucking guys from either ferrari or mercedes or somebody spit some gum they fucking detained him for six hours um but anyways they ran it at night and that city is is gorgeous at night it's beautiful and then when uh who won that one nico when nico rosberg won that race, they just shoot off all of these fireworks, man, and they go all the fuck out. And so I've yet to see the Malaysia one, so I'm going to watch that and the Japanese one tomorrow if I have the time.
All right. What else? What else did I want to talk about? What else was a big...
Oh, you know what I started to started to watch before i came down i'm taping this uh taping this sunday net i started to watch the trump hillary debate i mean i i just still cannot fucking believe these are our two choices and uh dude trump i gotta give it up to trump dude that guy's one-liners just for for a politician he's fucking he kills the guy fucking kills he's great on his feet he's he'd make a terrible president he's got no idea what the fuck he's doing or what he's even talking about it's just like the dope versus the devil you know and I know everybody oh that old fucking you know that shit that said, I just go up, I grab him by the pussy. Nobody just does that.
I felt bad for Billy Bush. You know, he was just sitting there.
He's like, he's sitting there, some fucking unknown 2005, you know. He's still kind of unknown, you know.
Billy Bush, I'm going to talk about people who are in movies. He's not in a movie, he's a talking head cut the guy a little slack he's sitting there with the Don the Don's talking shit he's talking about women you know as guys do I just walk right up and I kiss him I grab him right by the pussy you know Billy's just like this is Donald Trump you know you get caught up in the fame oh yeah yeah grab him by He just went along with it.
You know, stay strong, Billy Bush. You shouldn't have deleted your fucking Twitter account, man.
You should have hung in there. Fuck these people.
They just they get mad for like three fucking days. You know what I mean? It's un-fucking-belief.
He's going to get more shit for that than fucking Hillary is going to get for the goddamn, you know you know classified fucking emails classified information through her own fucking email and just somehow that all goes on the right I cannot stand I can tell when Hillary's lying to she that smile she does you can see it arise when she's lying and Trump is like I I just don't he's like a fucking cartoon character like Alec Baldwin as Trump is more believable than Trump as Trump. That's how fucking nuts this guy is.
So I started to watch it. Oh, man.
Trump had some funny ones. He said to Hillary, he said, if I was running this country, you'd be in jail.
You know, it's funny to really see how hard Donald Trump goes. There's a clip.
I don't know if you can still find it. The first time Donald Trump was on Letterman and he and Rosie O'Donnell had said something about him and he went off on Rosie O'Donnell.
And he goes, well, you know, she's a degenerate. And like it was just so over the top.
Letterman was laughing, just going like donald you just can't go around saying that about people and he's just like you know it's true she's overweight he just fucking like just no filter just went right after him and uh he hasn't changed at all since he's become a politician having said that like i i you know doesn't mean he's gonna make a good president he's just you know i can't get i can't get past how many overtly racist people love the guy and that's that's always a major red flag you know what the fuck it is with this fucking election it's like you either got the guy that's gonna rally up the fucking neo-nazis the guy that rallies up the white guys that think that there's something being taken away from them, you know, or you got Hillary, you know, but he's actually, you know, or you got Hillary who's actually going to, she's going to be in bed with the corporate cunts up at the, it's like a lose-lose. You got somebody like rallying up this fucking cesspool of people at the bottom as far as mental.
I'm not talking financially. Mentally speaking.
Or you got Hillary who's just, you know, she's going to give them their wars. She's going to let the fucking robots be made and all that shit.
You know, I don't know. I don't know what that, oh my God, it's just fucking, and her fucking pantsuits.
That's the only thing I like about her. I love the pantsuit.
If I was a chick, I would wear fucking pantsuits. I mean, you gotta go with it.
At some point, as a woman, you reach your pantsuit age, and you just gotta give into it. That's like a man.
At some point, you gotta stop wearing your tank tops, and you gotta put on a sport coat. All right? Try to keep the carbs low.
Do the best you can. You know, at at some point you just get to that fucking age so uh i know a lot of you like why didn't you bring up the tom brady's back and all that type of shit because you know what we played the cleveland browns no disrespect but cleveland browns are where they're at and congratulations to the fucking indians you guys looking like you're kicking our ass we're down oh two-2.
I watched like Pedroia's first at bat and the plane landed,

so I missed all of that game.

I'm missing every fucking game because this guy doesn't have a guy.

I mean, this is when I come in with my brand new Red Sox hat.

But I do know the Blue Jays were up two games to none.

I don't know what's going on with that series right now.

They were up 3-2 the last I saw in game three.

But Tom Brady's back. Gronkowski's back we won um buffalo's on a tear they're looking good um i don't know i just was just great to see brady back uh yeah it's unbelievable that whole fucking thing that that's i'm telling you i give it 20 years and then nfl films when they look back on it be like do you think that was fair do you think it was fair that one of the greatest players in the history of the game had his entire fucking integrity questioned by one of the biggest scumbags to ever own a fucking team um who basically hired a guy for an in-house investigation.
I mean, I still cannot,

I cannot fucking wait for that.

How old will I be?

68.

Um,

all right.

Tom Brady will be 58.

All right.

60 minutes,

everybody.

All right.

Hey,

Bill,

I saw your tweet about 60 minutes about a row about the talking robot piece.

Yeah.

Charlie Rose was sitting there talking to this artificial intelligent robot that really moved bad speaking of fucking west world right and he asked the robot what its goals were first of all that a robot would have goals like a person okay and the robot said my goal is to one day be smarter than human beings. So I tweeted, you know, I basically tweeted, please unplug that fucking thing.
All right. So he goes, I come somewhere between unplug it and fuck it.
It seems like everyone knows the machines will be our doom. But I feel like everyone involved and even everyone else just looking on has a but will they take over type of curiosity my question i don't know what you meant by all that my question to you is that if in 10 years the robots are filling in as clerks at stores or working the lobby of hotels would you be comfortable as a customer in those locations also also i highly recommend the new

westworld remake on hbo yes i thought that was netflix my fault hbo uh it's totally up your alley and i'm sure you remember the original with good old yule brenner how's funny is that yeah you hit the nail on the head i already talked about i loved it um this is what i think i actually think that those robots will make human beings obsolete. I know that sounds fucking crazy, but they will.
Okay? And they don't have to sleep. They don't have to fucking do anything.
They'll outwork us and all that type of shit. And they're going to act like then we finally get to sit around and chill out.
Right? like that was that was the big promise of all of this technology that was going to be coming out

in the future shit and they're going to act like then we finally get to sit around and chill out right like that

was that was the big promise of all of this technology that was going to be coming out in the future i mean there's always technology but the newer technology technology of the future you know the three-day work week they used to make fun of that on on the jetsons oh these three-day work weeks are brutal people are working more than they have ever worked in their fucking lives in this race to, I don't even know what the fuck,

why the fuck why the okay can somebody please tell me what the fuck we need robots for what do we need any of this shit for you know what i mean like i feel like somewhere in like the mid 90s like that was good we advanced enough with cars travel we advanced enough with medicine and that type of shit. I mean, basically from 1995 on, if you're fucking dying, then, I mean, I mean, I don't know, the amount of shit that you could sidestep, tuberculosis, polio, all of these fucking things, all those plagues from back in the day, they were all gone.
I mean, something, I don't know, it's hard when it's somebody you know and love, or obviously if it's fucking you, but like, I don't know. I think the population, I've always talked about it.
It's a major fucking problem, and I don't know how they go. I just feel like those things will come along, and they'll just be like, well, you have those things that don't need to, they don't need a flat screen flat screen tv they don't need any of that type of shit they can do the work of 10 people or let's say they can do the work of four people then there's three extra people out there isn't there or there's four extra people out there let's fucking cut this thing down by 25 i mean there's already too many fucking people walking around you can have a bunch of robots walking around too at some point something's got to give all to give.
All right. And I can guarantee you one thing.
Robots are never forming a union. All right.
They're not going to. So I think they'll be smart enough to not get them to do that.
But the greed of going after the dollar and making one that's just a little bit better, just a little bit better like these fucking iPhones. I think we could get ourselves into a tough situation.
And here's a question I have. If you kill a robot in the future, like, is that going to be considered property damage? At what point would that actually be considered murder one or murder two or robot slaughter? They'll have to have all these new laws.
You know what I mean? mean like what if they make them like what they're trying to do like they probably trying to make them fuckable at some point like that fucking movie i saw like a year ago you know what if you go out and you fuck somebody else's robot you know like hey that's my robot you just came in my fucking robot what the fuck even though it's self-cleaning and all that shit, I can't fucking do that, right? You're just really opening up a fucking can of worms there. All right, clown sightings.
Oh, shit, Nia's calling me. My episode of The Simpsons is on tonight.
Is it on? What are you doing? I'm doing the podcast.

I know.

You're supposed to be done.

It's on in like a minute.

Well, I can hit pause.

Well, hurry up.

Hey, come here.

What?

I don't want to miss it.

Put your eyebrows down.

You're like, what are you doing?

I don't want to miss it.

Hey, how nice is my car?

It's very nice.

It's awesome.

Ugh.

I thought you were going to go harder than that.

I thought you were going to say it was gorgeous. All right, how good was the potato pancake? That was delicious, it was better than the restaurant Is it me or do you guys just have a distinct lack of fucking passion? This is totally you, this is what I want you to do This is what I want you to do now For the love of God, go fucking do it And I'm sitting here like a little six year old Mommy, look what can do all right just hit pause I'll be up there in a second I can't hit pause there's no DVR oh all right I know this guy's fucking depression error fucking cable all right I'm just gonna pause here, and then we'll come back and finish this.

All right, you know, and after all that, it wasn't even on.

She fucking went off on how great the potato pancake was.

She thought the car was gorgeous.

You see what they do?

You see what they do?

All of a sudden, I'm fucking bragging a little bit. Ah, it all goes out there.

Always trying to fucking knock you down a little bit.

All right, here we go. Clown sightings.
You're listening to one right now all right clown sightings dear freckles have you heard about this clown hysteria sorry have you heard about this clown hysteria um freaks are dressing up as creepy clowns and going out in public trying to scare people yeah Yeah, I've seen those. Just search creepy clown sightings and a bunch of shit pops up.
Other people are now starting to go clown hunting and beating the shit out of clowns that they see in public. Now, how the fuck do you go about doing that? There's like nine people in the country that have done that.'s go out clown hunting like like where do clowns hang out do they have a natural habitat is there a bush you can go to the clown bush shake it a little bit throw some rocks into it anyways my question is one of is if one of these clowns charged at you what what would you do do you think it would be legal to run over slash beat

the shit out of the fuckers or should you let the misfit go without harming him thanks and go fuck yourself um i think at this point i've seen enough of those videos that somebody if one of them came running at me with like dragging the body and just so fucking over the top uh I don't know.

But you'd have to just out of respect for yourself, your own safety, you'd have to fucking back up and run away. Yeah, I mean, if a guy came running at me, because of my luck, this would be the guy who isn't fucking around.
I'd be like, yo, what's up, YouTube world star, whatever. Take a fucking axe to the head um but you know i don't think that you should go i'm i don't like clown hunting to me is hilarious like how the fuck would you even remotely begin to know where to look you know what i mean like there was that thing for a while where people putting train horns in their vehicles and those people should uh should be prosecuted because you know my ears are fucked up from years ago in the concerts and playing drums and shit and like somebody did that one time when i went by you know it's funny watching people jump and shit but like it was close enough that it did even more damage to my left ear which is fucked up and it's like that's something now that i i have to live with because this person wanted to have a laugh.
I mean, the ringing went away, but they definitely, when you do shit like that, I mean, you are kind of asking, you are asking for it. You shouldn't do it.
Like the other people, you shouldn't go beat the shit out of the person. They're just fucking around trying to make a funny video.
I mean, you really have to go beat the fuck out of them. But when you do scare somebody to that level, Maybe that is a thing that You can kind of

Explain you have to go beat the fuck out of them. But when you do scare somebody to that level, maybe that is a thing that you can kind of expect.
I don't fucking, I don't know what the rules of clowning is. All right, now she's texting me saying that it's starting.
All right, hang on, stopping again. Every time I get momentum, you know, we get a fucking holding call and it just kills the drive.

All right, I'm back again. Guess what? It wasn't even the episode.
It was the wrong episode. It was a pre-episode to the episode that they're going to show that I'm on.
All right. Anyways.
All right. Waterproof Electronics.
Waterproof Electronics. All right.
Dear Billy Wet Phone, just to let you know the waterproof or water resistance rating on electronics is bullshit the same goes for watches and any other water resistant item here's how they determine the water resistant i mean that makes sense i mean you pour water onto anything it's going to gradually seep through right um although boats stone.

That must have been the dumbest i've ever sound boats do okay uh they stick the phone in water in a water-filled tank and then increase the pressure until the phone has problems the water in the tank is perfectly still and the pressure stimulates uh simulates the depth below sea level it's a bullshit test because the water you drop your phone into is probably splashing all about and your phone is going to move in the water as it sinks um if you don't drop your phone into an ocean or a river you might drop it into the kitchen full of detergent or some other situation that isn't perfectly still water pressurized under test conditions it's another marketing trick which technically legally correct for the fine print but is bullshit uh for the day-to-day life um i don't know i don't i don't it's got to be better than the shit that isn't waterproof where you just fucking sneeze on it and doesn't work.

I know my watch, I kept wearing it while I was doing cardio and all of a sudden it was fucked up.

And it was just because it was on my wrist and just sweating every day.

It got wet.

I don't fucking know.

I have no idea.

It's probably all bullshit.

I know when they do miles, you know, how much a car gets miles per gallon.

They drive it like one mile an hour with no headwind for most of the fucking test um clear what is going on with you buddy what is going on with you go lay down jesus christ are you allergic to the rug every time you come down here you start flipping out all right um let me do these last couple of reads and then I can finish with the questions here. Sorry for the whole fucking pause and then going on this week.
All right. MVMT Watches, everybody.
Pronounced movement. Oh, that's what I'm supposed to say.
All right. Movement Watches, everybody, was founded on the belief that style shouldn't break the bank.
The watchmaker's goal is to chart change the way consumers think about fashion by offering high quality minimalist products at revolutionary prices with over 500 000 watches sold to customers in 160 plus countries around the world movement watches have has solidified itself as the world's fastest growing watch company um podcast slash radio evergreen copy why would you tell me that what's the difference between this and what you'd say on television i guess the company started by two broke college kids that wanted to wear stylish watches but they couldn't afford them so they started their own company that sentence never makes sense to me they're two broke college kids they can't afford a watch a stylish watch so they started their own company that sentence never makes sense to me they're two pro college kids they can't afford a watch a stylish watch so they start a company i can't afford a g5 jet i think i'll start a jet company how is how is this like how is this like how you started built a following launched into podcasts youtube radio etc i'm not supposed to be reading this shit oh i'm supposed to be like oh these guys remind me of how i fall how i did it um movement watch to start i don't know where i am in this copy right now this is this is a shit show movement watches start at just 95 bucks at a department store uh you're looking at four to five hundred bucks movement figured out that by selling online they were able to cut out the middleman and retail markup providing the best possible price all right we're making sense again over 500 000 watches sold over 160 countries good for you get 15 off today with free shipping and free returns go by going to movementwatches.com slash burr that's mvmt watches.com slash burr this watch has a really clean design seriously uh you're gonna love it if you put it on you're gonna get compliments now's the time to step up your watch game without breaking the bank go to mvmt watches.com slash burr it's fucking hilarious right i want a purebred dog i can't afford one so i started purebreeding dogs that's not even a good example i wouldn't even know how you'd fucking do that i wanted my own island but i couldn't afford one so i bought islands i started i started a company that made islands bill we get it all right all right stamps.com everybody is the easiest and convenient way to get postage right from your desk buy and print official u.s postage using your own computer and printer with stamps.com there's no guesswork they make it easy to get exact postage for any letter any package any class of mail the instant you need it i use stamps.com to send out all my posters whenever i'm selling them like next weekend saturday through fucking wednesday in washington dc i'll have a poster the tune-up the tune-up for my special um sign up for stamps.com and use my last name burr for this special offer four-week trial plus 110 bonus offer including a post including postage and a digital scale scale go to stamps.com before you do anything else you click on the microphone at the top of the home page and type in burr b-u-r-r that's stamps.com enter burr there's no reason to keep going to the post office all right okay let's get back to the fucking questions here um let's see where the hell was i okay water dear billy wet phone all right we did that one okay uh it's all you this thing said p.s uh keep a little black book full of your phone numbers from now on so you never lose another contact i'm actually doing that with a little couple of little red. I couldn't find the black ones.
All right, CEO. Hey there, Billy Boss.
If you could become CEO of any company for a couple of months, which company would it be and what would you try to change? Monsanto, and I'd stop poisoning the food. Oh, Anthony Monsanto, which is now owned by Bear.
Bear doesn't care. uh you have a few months so it's not like you get to get fired day one for joining apple and changing the name to orange for selfish purposes also you pick apple and can also pick any other company you talk less about as well haha thanks for everything i think i answered i think i also my dyslexia kicked in and none of those sentences made sense to anybody those last two ones what did it say oh gives a shit yeah that's what i would do i would i don't know it would be nice if the way corporations will run you know at some point you made enough money and at some point you thought well hey what would this be to the environment? What would this be? You know, I actually heard that they're lobbying.
They got all these lobbies going on right now to make marijuana illegal again at the state level because allegedly prescriptions, medication has dropped drastically in states where marijuana use is legal. and so they want to make it legal illegal again evidently my question is is well why don't the big pharmaceutical companies just start making weed you know and phase out these other fucking pills they're not working anyways you know they don't work you know all those fucking side effects i mean it's fucking nuts this is shit that you can take literally that's just for something like really basic and if you get on it for a while if you come off it if you come off it too fast there's the chance you might kill yourself i mean they never had stuff like that when i was a kid you know somebody was all over the place they were they were fucking they were called a spaz the dude's a fucking spaz man he's all over the fucking place you know what i mean i know it's a bad word in scotland my apologies but that doesn't mean shit to us you guys say cunt every other word um yeah i guess uh i don't know that's one of those super depressing kind of questions because when you really about it, there's really no fucking reason for our behavior towards one another.
You know what I mean? Um, I don't know. I think it just comes down to, there's just really, you know, you don't remember when you watch like planet of the apes, it was like the chimps.
They were the fucking doctors. Then he had the orange ones.
They were the old old ones and then you had the gorillas and they were like the fucking maniacs or whatever um which was sort of oddly racist they were the darkest of all the apes you know what i mean they were the worst and i guess what the chimps were subtly supposed to i guess the orange ones were supposed to be gingers and we were supposed to be the best of people i don't know you can you can always read into all of this shit but like i don't know i think I think people look kind of like that. You know what I mean? You got fucking nice kind of, hey man, you know, whenever you're fucking happy man.
And then you just got fucking complete psychos who will literally stab a baby in the head to get another inch forward. And I think those people really succeed in life.
Like when you just don't give a shit about, you know, and I'm not saying I'm a fucking perfect person because I've done some horrific shit but i'm just saying you know that's just the the pain that i've caused on an individual level forget about if you're doing it at the fucking corporate level um i don't know i just love those people go well if i didn't do it someone else would be doing it that that's that's usually a good that's usually a nice red flag that you're doing something fucked up but um i really think that we are uh this is depressing you might want to shut it off now i think we are the uh there's a flaw in our design and the way we are wired we are it's inevitable that we're going to destroy ourselves um it's just you know and i really don't think that it's not even necessarily human thing it would be like whatever the next thing on the food chain was if we weren't here it would be taking too much and it would in its own fucking way would be fucking up the balance of nature and all that type of shit but uh i don't know if i 100 believe that but i just look at it that way because then I can deal with some of the shit that I see.

I do have to say though, this presidential election and these two choices is one of the most depressing fucking things I've been around in a long fucking time. I can't believe, I just can't fucking believe it's a reality TV show star or the fucking devil.
Oh, oh boy oh boy all right halloween costume let's get off that topic hey bill when was the last time you dressed up for halloween uh two years ago i dressed up as john bonham um if you had to go to one of these celebrity dress-up parties like where heidi klum goes all out every year and shows up looking like an extra

from the Tom Cruise movie Legend, what would you dress up as? When millions of women look at a U.S. weekly at the hair salon, who will they see Billy Redface dressed up as when they get to the celebrities wear stupid costumes just like us section? well first of all those are all the beautiful people so i'm out i'm not in that section so i don't think they were but let's just say all the beautiful people got hit by a truck and it got all the way down to i you know was in that thing let's see i i would probably john bonham i've done that one enough.
Who would I dress up as?

Somebody that's known but sort of obscure.

Because you don't want to be the 12th douche to show up dressed as.

Donald Trump is going to be like, everybody's doing that.

Or Hillary.

You don't want to dress up as Steve Jobs.

I still think he's fucking known well enough.

You got to dress up like, let's see here.

Who'd be a good one?

Who's a good fucking, they were the, you know what I mean?

Like if you were going to dress up like somebody in, you know what?

You got me.

This is something, you just can't fucking pull this gem out.

Let's go. you know what, you got me.
This is something, you just can't fucking pull this gem out. Like, you know what, dressing up like the professor instead of Gilligan.
It's basically that formula, but not that example. You know what I mean? Like, who the fuck lost the last presidential race? Obama ran against who? Was it McCain?

I don't know, but Tina Fey did the fucking,

the chick, she did that one to death.

I don't know, you know something?

Bill Belichick might be a good one.

For as well-known as he is,

if I was out here in LA and I just dressed like him,

I think people would love it.

A hoodie with the fucking cutoff sleeves. You have it up you know maybe him you know what i i would go vince lombardi maybe an old football coach go out as tom landry but i gotta pick somebody with a fucking blockhead like mine something like that something along those lines rather than like the hacky ones you don't want to go out as fucking Chewbacca.
Anything from Star Wars. Any superhero.
I mean that's just fucking lame. Trump, Hillary, that's fucking lame.
Obama, if you're me, you're going to get in trouble for being in blackface. So you got to leave them alone.
Oh shit. That's a good question.
I go out as like phil rudd drummer for acdc and people say who are you i'd say phil rudd and people said who's that i'd be like you gotta be ashamed of yourself and you just walk away so you get to like have a cool costume and scold people there's a way to go you know pick somebody who people you you feel should know, but they don't know. Address is Clive Burr.
I don't know. I don't know what the fuck I'm talking about anymore.
All right. That's the podcast for this week, everybody.
I'm going to watch those Formula One races. I'm hoping the Red Sox can come back.
I just want to be able to sit down and watch a fucking game. I don't know anybody on the team know padroia and i know big poppy and when he leaves i'm just gonna know padroia um plus this

one cleveland fan was like fucking talking shit to me a buddy of mine he's going we'll go fucking

you know tito's playing a chess game with the fucking red socks and i jokingly wrote back like

you don't need to talk to me you don't need to talk to a red socks fan about tito playing chess

i saw him play chess a few times when he was here and just completely went over the guy's head

Thank you. he wrote back like you don't need to talk to me you don't need to talk to a red socks fan about tito playing chess i saw him play chess a few times when he was here and it just completely went over the guy's head you know what i mean i don't know something i'm just sitting there going like hey man you guys are looking pretty good nothing our bullpen's dominating we're fucking weird we have a couple of injuries and then me it was just like i hope you cunts don't win another one in 60 years i was fucking rooting for you um ah fuck do i have another phoner tomorrow i have one phoner this is when you call in oh shit i'll get up that early for these guys hey i'm gonna be on the sports junkies i love these guys i haven't talked to these guys in fucking forever the sports junkies i remember Lurch would always be fucking sitting there all splailed, like six foot ten guy.
Always in sweatpants. I'm going to be calling in at 6.20 a.m., which is 9.20 Eastern time.
Going to be calling that. And it's to promote my shows at the National Theater, October 15th through the 19th.
15, 16, 17, 16 17 18 19 five nights running my fucking mouth getting ready for my special and then I do the special and then my fucking year is basically over I'm just gonna edit the rest of fucking season two I'm gonna be doing comics come home in Boston and that's gonna be about it it's gonna be about it all

right well that's the podcast for this week once again I really meant that about being able to buy

that car um thank you to everybody who came out to my shows throughout the fucking years and uh

that's it Jacksonville I hope you guys can dig yourselves out nice and quick I bet the weather's

nice now now that it's fucking over um and I hope the insurance companies don't fuck you too bad

Thank you. I hope you guys can dig yourselves out nice and quick.
I bet the weather's nice now, now that it's fucking over.

And I hope the insurance companies don't fuck you too bad.

But either way,

when you can go back to that city again, when I get my next hour,

I'm definitely going to come through

because Jacksonville is always going to be on my tour schedule.

I always have a good time when I run through there.

And who's kidding who?

I got to get back to Gainesville to make that up,

which I think I might be doing in February

because in February,

I'm going to be going to the Daytona 500

I'm sorry. who i gotta get back to gainesville to make that up which i think i might be doing in february because uh in february i'm going to be going to the daytona 500 i've always wanted to go to that thing way back since rusty wallace harry gant there a wall trip gail yarborough bill elliot rusty wallace right dale earnhardt who else ran back then dick trickle um all right right.
That's the podcast. Fuckos, I will talk to you.
I'll check in on you on Thursday. I really had to try not to make a noise when I sat up there doing that shit.
All right. What's up, everybody? And welcome back to the Anything Better Podcast Show NFL Edition going into week number six.
Hope everybody's doing good in between shows. We are back this week.
But before we get into our picks this week, let's shout out the sponsor. It's the BetMGM app.
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Hey, Paulie.

Yeah.

Paulie went three and one.

All his doubters.

All his doubters.

Paulie, you're on the hot seat and all that.

I've been telling you for years. He's ice cold in September.
He catches fire. He catches fire in October.
Here's what I got for you, Pauly. I'm wearing my glasses this whole episode.
You know why I can't see it, Paul? I'm looking at the lines this week. I might as well be reading Chinese.
I have a better chance picking a CFL game right now. Who do you like, Paul? The Winnipeg Blue Bombers or the fucking BC Eagles? Dude, I don't even like...
I don't think Vegas even knows, dude. Vegas, this year has just been so...
They know. They're in fucking bed with all of them.
Anyway, I gotta... I gotta thank...
i gotta thank the uh anything better fans dude i gotta thank everybody who watched my special dude i put my special out my i put my special out yesterday a day it's 24 it's day old i put it out yesterday i put my own money up for it. Dude, over 200 comments came in.
People saying best of his three. Somebody goes, I'm two minutes in and I just screamed in my living room.
Verzi don't miss. And they were like, nothing but net.
They were saying 10 out of 10 classic. So I really, really appreciate it.
You put that special out in September with a bomb. You're the Mr.
October.

What a week you had you went three and one the yankees big victory last night yep big victory dude i mean fucking three takes it you got you gotta it's one one you gotta win last night they came back they tied it up two two i was watching paul he's a pet pee a pet peeve of mine I don't like those guys, the hybrid Pitchers, it's not overhand And it's not sidearm I feel like those fucking guys, they're like Clock-eyed, they can't throw a strike Yeah I feel like you got one of those guys And the This guy was half Dan Quisenberry last night Yeah, I mean, dude, it's both New York teams. Both New York teams seem like they're good.
Imagine another Yankees and Mets, another Yankees and Mets World Series. Dude, the Mets closed out the fucking Phillies.
Yeah, well, the Mets are on fire. I watched that series, dude.
Huh? The Mets are just really like caught, caught a nice fire at the right time. Yeah.
You know what I like on Kansas City? I don't know his name. I love their catcher.
He just looks like a catcher, like an old school catcher too. Not like Joe Girardi who looked like a catcher because he was jacked.
Yeah. He just looks like Roy Campanella or something like on a classic baseball card.
And he had that big single when they were trying to get the rally going. He hits after Bobby Witt Jr.
Dude, I love October baseball. Yeah.
I love it. I don't know why people, they, they, and I get it.
Cause you know, basketball, hockey and all of that. It's really a fucking shame.
If baseball had any fucking brains, Paul, they would shorten their regular season. A hundred percent got to be shorter.
They would get their fucking playoffs out of the way before hockey and before the NBA. I mean, marriages break up this time of year, Paul.
It's fucking intense. All four are going.
162 games is way too, it's like, and that's why when you listen to sports talk and radio, they're like, what's happening to this to this team it's like what's happening to the team is they're five months into the season and people that's what's happening to the team um all right let's get into these picks because uh we are both short on time but thank you guys for watching the special reasonable man on my youtube page i'm completely overwhelmed by the first day let's keep it coming up i'll do my podcast we're going guys don't know Paulie is so close to making some fucking Stupid money in this business And he's going to come on here Shirtless with a fur coat Challenging somebody You know what I love? Paul Verzi with some money It's going to be one of the funnest things I ever fucking seen oh you know it's convertible you get a horse this you like spend you know what i spent you know when i knew that the special was doing way good was they were looking for things they were like this is hilarious but is the sound good like that's what i knew but one of my haters goes one of my haters goes you, Paul, he's starting to grow on me. This is hilarious.
I'm like, all right, let's go. Oh my God.
You even, you even got the, uh, the old man up in the balcony. Uh, my favorite one was though, he hits a swish all that verse.
He hit nothing but net and he never misses. But anyway, uh, thank you.
And Bill, you, you, I'm so proud of you and I'm so fucking happy for you. It's about time.
And you have time. You shared it.
I really appreciate that. Same thing with Demlas and everybody else.
All right. We're into week six.
We're into week six. I saw these lines.
Andrew, can you throw these lines up? Because this was I know I know we're pressed for time, but we got to talk about how the jets got rid of their coach.

He doesn't even let them say goodbye.

I mean,

that that's,

I mean, that's like ghosting a chick.

You know what I mean?

Be a man,

look her in the eye and just say,

look,

I want to fuck somebody else.

I'm sorry.

I just,

you know,

I didn't want to cheat on you.

It's not you.

It's me and my dick,

you know,

walking him to his car,

dude,

walking him to his, walking him to his car. Like him to his walking him to his car like he goes can i say goodbye to my guys nah nah i mean that that's i was joking i just did jim and sam and i was joking that they had his car started and warmed up for him when he walked out dude you know how frustrating it must be to be a coach of a jet and jets and get walked out like that when they're acting like it's you it's like buddy you haven't won since 1969 don't fucking escort me out yeah like you guys were over here winning championships blindside me like that and then i can't say goodbye to the players that love me love.
Dude, he's going to be sitting in a bar talking about that 20 years from now. I'm not saying he's not going to have other successes, but that's going to be the one like that one chick who just fucking, you know, extra ripped your heart out.
You never forget it. The Jets just did that.
You know what? They got an enemy in that guy. Oh, dude, tell me that guy's not going to get another job and mark the Jets on the calendar.
Although I don't think he was a great head coach. I think he's a great defensive coordinator.
Paul, can I ask you a question? How can you gauge anybody on the Jets? It's true. What's he got above him? Shit.
What's he got below him? Shit. They always make the wrong fucking choice.

It's a shit sandwich, Paul.

It's a shit sandwich.

And he's the fucking baloney in the middle of it.

And then they always fucking blame him.

I think you're right about this.

When you take a head coaching job with the Jets,

you're basically, you might as well just send a fucking,

you fill out a job application at ESPN to sit there. They all end up there.
All the jobs. Herman Edwards, Rex Ryan.
They just end up on TV wearing a suit. That's hysterical.
Imagine he was like, all right, now where's the, like as he's signing the contract for the Jets, he goes, yeah, is the ESPN thing. Should we just do that here too? That's how bad that job is.

That's how bad that job is.

They have to give you the best job in football,

which is just talking football.

All of those fucking guys, Jimmy Johnson,

once he starts talking football,

he doesn't have to deal with the hot seat.

He's like, fuck this, I'm staying here once a week.

What are they doing in Baltimore?

All right, Jimmy, here's your check.

Go back to your phone.

All right, let's get into the picks here, Paul.

Who's going first?

It's week six.

So hold on a second.

You went year one.

I went year two.

Oh, thank you.

You went year one.

I went year two.

You went year three.

Oh, no, week three, one.

So it's me.

So it's my first. I think it's my pick.
Paul, it's your month. I mean, what are we doing here? You should be picking first the whole month.
Jake the Snake, can we get an injury report? Sure, for which game? Any big ones? Jake, don't think I don't notice you've been going to the gym. I'm seeing those packs starting to peek through the T-shirt.
This guy's doing a makeover this season. Thanks, Bill.
Well, the Texans lost their top receiver, Nico Collins. That was the biggest one that went on IR yesterday.
So that's one to watch out for. Is he done for the year? No, just for like a month.
Okay. Yeah, so that hurts.
He's the leading receiver. He wanted to take the month Paul to watch you special.
That's, that's how hard you go. Right.
You're a reasonable man. Right now.
You come up with this show. You want to hear, you want to hear something nuts? I have swear to God.
I'm, we got a, I got a, an up to date, uh, breaking news right now. The assistant general manager of the New York Giants just texted me during this.
I swear to God, the assistant general manager of the New York Giants just texted me during this stream. No, he said, I'm watching your special this weekend.
I swear to God. I swear to God, dude.
How nuts is that? Christmas comes early every year for Paul Verzi. Dude, this is your month.
Absolutely. Black people have February, gays have June, and Paul Verzi has October.
Andrew, can we get the lines for all the games up? Is that a possibility? Because I think I go first. What you do is you put it on your fucking

phone and then you

go into this display and brightness and

just say, never shut up the screen. And you're right

there, Paul.

Andrew, you've taught

me things.

The boy genius from Beverly Hills,

his rich parents didn't pay attention to him as a

kid and his best friends were his computers.

We had so many houses that we just never ran into each other.

His friends were his computers.

And he should be working at NASA right now.

But he's trying to stick it to his dad by doing a podcast.

This is your backstory.

I threw the 4.0 away.

Yeah, I'm going to try and share the screen here.

Let's see.

Dude, by the way, Bryce Harper, man,

that guy is fun to watch in the playoffs.

Dude just delivers.

I know they got shut down or whatever,

but he turned that one game around.

It looked like the Mets were going to sweep him.

Game two.

I'm sure the Padres didn't choke just yet,

but there's still time. Probably tomorrow.
What's that series? 2-1 Padres? 2-2. Godres had it yesterday.
I'm in Sirius XM, and I have to do it this way because I'm running around. Jaguars are plus two versus the Bears.
Just talk to me, Paul. I like the Jaguars.
I think that the Bears had a good week last week, but they played the Carolina Panthers. And I saw the Jags came back and won that game.

I think, there we go.

The game is in London, Paulie, by the way.

Just letting you know.

Yeah, I like Jacksonville.

I'm going to take Jacksonville getting points in London against the Bears.

I know the Bears are good,

but I think Trevor Lawrence and them figured something out last week. and I like them getting the points.
So let's do that. All right.
Oh, Billy boys going with the Buffalo bills Monday night, minus two and a half against the jets in, in the metal lands or wherever the fuck you guys play over there. Um, you know, the jets are in flux right now.
I't think they're turning around in a week. I'm sure, Jake, you're going to say somebody's injured.
I don't give a fuck. Minus two and a half.
I like it. I like it.
I think they're going to beat them. I don't know.
I just think the Jets are cursed. Yeah.
Yeah. Not even Aaron Rogers or fucking Brett farb or any of these guys that go there can turn them around.
All right. I like it.
You know what? Good on that coach. Good for him.
He got out of that fucking haunted house. The Amityville horror of the NFL.
I'm going to do something I normally don't do, but I'm going to take a lot of points and I am going to take the Cleveland

Browns getting nine.

I don't think the Philadelphia Eagles are that good of a team yet.

Not saying they can't turn it around, but Jalen hurts looks different.

I think the Browns sort of quitting on the fucking team last week.

Uh, well, I think that everybody's, yeah, think that everybody's saying he stinks and all this stuff. I think if the competitor in him is going to bounce back, nine points is a lot.
They could lose the game and still get some garbage points at the end. I'm going to take the Browns.
I like against the grain poly. I'm going to take the Texans, even with that big injury.
Minus seven over my New England Patriots. It's just like we are fucking hapless.
I hate to say it. We haven't found our footing with the new crew.
And it's also a way that I can watch the Patriots and get a positive. The worst is when you bet against your team, they cover and they still lose.

This is a big enough spread, obviously.

This is very doable.

But I'm taking the Texans.

Oh, Billy, win some, lose some.

Two and two last week.

I am going to...

Chiefs are off this week, Paul.

That's always my lock, the NFL.

That's their story this year.

What is that...

What is the Chargers line?

Are the Chargers getting two and a half or they minus

two and a half? Minus two and a half.

I'm going to take the Chargers

to beat the Broncos. You

bastard.

Well, hey, you took mine.

You took my Texans. It's even.

Don't do that tit for tat

shit with me.

How did I know you were going to pick them?

But, yeah, I like the Chargers.

I think they're better.

All right.

I like the Steelers going into the Raiders.

Minus three and a half.

That's another team.

I don't know.

I'm just betting against teams that can't seem to get their shit together.

It's three now.

That's what I have there. Oh, okay.
They said three and a half. Cool.
Oh, did I? Maybe I said that. Yeah, no problem.
Listen, you're the boy genius from Beverly Hills. I'm not going to go.
Are the, oh, boy. I'm so sorry.
Parents never paid attention to you like that. Your parents are the salt of the earth.
They're going to see you like, why was he saying that? I'm going to take, dude, I can't see or hear on this one. I feel like I'm losing my senses.
I'm going to take the Lions minus three over the Cowboys. I just think golf is so good and I think they're well coached.
They're playing the Bengals. No, they're not.
The giants are playing the Bengals. I'm sorry.
I'm sorry. I thought you said the lions, lions, lions, lions.
Those are my four. I'm taking the lions minus three.
Why did you just yell? Those are my four. You feel like you're on shifty ground.
I love it. The second you did it get to do it those are my four all right that's it fucking stick with it well i'm not gonna lie to you right now i am i am fucking i am i'm in the fucking middle i feel like bill i'm like a dealer in vegas i go those are my four here we go like this you just went like this no more like that the fucking roulette wheel no No more.
No more bets. Oh, God damn it, Paul.

God damn it, Paul.

Am I going to go into the DMZ of the NFL?

Am I going to go NFC South?

Oh.

Nobody knows what happens down there.

Three and a half, Paul.

Why's it got to be three and a half?

Because they know, Bill.

They know.

They know. They fucking know.
I'm staying away from that. I think the Saints are going to play strong at home.
It's going to be a loss. I know, but who the fuck are they, dude? Who are they? And then you got the Falcons of like minus six going into the Panthers.
Saints also, Saints don't have Derek Carr. Yeah.
Go with your gut. So who do they got? Jameson Winston? Some rookie, Spencer Rattler.
Spencer. Oh, Rattler, Oklahoma last year.
Yeah, yeah, yeah. Long time ago.
Spencer. Okay.
Guys, I got five minutes, just so you know. Five minutes I got.
Oh, don't rush me. Come on.
You know this. Don't rush me, Taylor Dane.
I heard that fucking thing before. Don't rush me.
Remember that? Taylor Dane. Why does it got to be minus five, the fucking Packers at home? Why do they have to pick the perfect number? You know what? Fuck this, Paul.
I'm going to take the goddamn Saints. I'm going to take the fucking Saints.
Three and a half. Getting three and a half at home.
No one knows who this Spencer for hire kid is. He's not what kind of kid named Spencer comes out of Oklahoma.
He's an enigma, Paul, and he's going to confuse them. okay they're all going to be worried with this tornado coming or whatever the fuck it is this

biblical thing that's coming what point pole are we going to address global warming this

florida literally have to fall off like an appendix off of this country? You know what kills me? Is people are so fucking divided, liberals wouldn't care. The same way people on the right wouldn't give a shit if LA or California fell into the fucking ocean.
That's how we're like rooting against fellow countrymen. Horrible.
I've seen comments about that, about it coming there. Good man.
Wash them all away. How could you say that about your fellow countrymen? That's terrible.
The locker room is divided. I like Florida, Paul.
Some people in this world should just be killed. Segway.
I mean, I don't know if we could close the podcast on that one. monday night special bills and jets monday night what do you think any uh hey paul i like that my wife was being moody you know what i mean and uh this morning i just been a i feel like i've been a good guy so i wrote her a poem no you didn't and i wrote i know it all rhymed about all the

shit i was doing for and then in the end was the punch line i just got it she laughed her ass off that's why i married him that's great um i said i'm i'm taking you to paris i'm hitting it like maris that's a good one i like that uh and i like that saint's pick you know why because that was your gut so now you could sleep with it it's all about sleeping with it um oh that was you last yeah you know i can sleep with i can sleep tonight i sleep well with my i could see yeah it's like if i lose i could sleep with it um i think we go mond my picks. I can sleep.
Yeah, it's like if I lose, I can sleep with it.

I think we go Monday night special.

We got to do bills, right?

We got to take the bills Monday night special.

We got to do that.

We got to do Monday night special.

And then everybody's got to watch Paul Versi's.

Come on.

You got to watch Paul Versi's special.

Reasonable man, baby.

You got to pump up the numbers.

Reasonable man, baby.

Yep.

He's a reasonable man.

Let's go. What do you think, think bill bill's minus two and a half josh allen to throw one to throw one hundred percent i love all of that james cook to run one he's injured at the moment so maybe someone else jake the snake jake the snake all right take the snake just don't play Snake.
We don't know.

All right, so then we won't do James Cook.

You know what you are on this?

You're like our financial advisor, and every week we're sitting there going,

like, I'm buying a boat.

You're like, hey, you know, you might want to just rent one this weekend.

What else do we do?

Josh Allen over.

Over under?

Over 15 rushing yards. Yes.
what's the over under this week um million times dude I like Josh Allen to run for 15 yards don't you 41 I like that bet Paul god damn it which one I like what you just said yeah Josh Allen to run to rush over 15 yards Hey, Paul. God damn it.
Which one? I like what you just said. Yeah, Josh Allen to run to rush over 15 yards.
Hey, Paul, it's October. I'm drafting behind you like a bike race.
I'm not going to question you. So we'll do this.
Josh Allen, anytime touchdown. Josh Allen to rush for more than 15 yards and Bills to win by a field goal.
I love it. Let's do do it.
It is. There it is.
Let's do it. There it is.
All right, guys, this is this is our picks for week number six. Next time I'll be normally in my in my normal studio.
But there you go. There you have it.
Please download the bet MGM app on your device. Put a minimum as low as $10, a minimum of $10 in deposit, and you will get $1,500 in bonus bets.
We're still doing the touchdown thing, right? Touchdown, the first touchdown, you bet on who's going to get the first touchdown. If that person does not get the first touchdown, but in fact, they get the second touchdown, you will still get the bet, Right, Andrew? Hey, real quick.
Shout out to Washington Huskies. Great win last week.
Oh, great game. Again, underrated stadium.
All you people out there that live in the Midwest, now that the Huskies are in the Big Ten, if your team plays them out there, you won't regret going to go see them. And shame on all those fucking rats that uploaded that video of that guy in Michigan telling that fucking kid, I'll beat the fuck out of you.
That's exactly what he should have said. No, you fucking assholes.
Quit ratting out people. Threaten someone that deserves to be threatened.
Alright, I said my piece. That's it.
Alright. We'll see you next week.
Happy gambling, everybody. They should have thrown that

kid to the whole Michigan team. You know what I

wish I did when he was yelling at all those Michigan kids?

I wish I just grabbed his legs

and fucking sent him over down with the lines.

Be like, now talk some shit.

Fucking pussy.

All right. Great way.

Great way to end. I agree.
Great way to end

the show. There's the picks.

Check out Reasonable Man on my YouTube channel

right now. Enjoy the rest of the week.
Enjoy

football. Bet responsibly.

Take care, guys.