Thursday Afternoon Monday Morning Podcast 10-10-24

Speaker 1 Give it up for Chicago.

Speaker 2 Sebastian Maniscalco's new stand-up special, It Ain't Right, is coming to Hulu on November 21st.

Speaker 1 30 years ago, Jeff Bezos, complete nerd. Bezos now ripped to shreds on his super yacht, and the boxes keep coming.

Speaker 2 Sebastian Maniscalco, It Ain't Right, premieres November 21st, streaming on Hulu and Hulu on Disney Plus for bundle subscribers. Terms apply.

Speaker 1 hey what's going on it's bill burr and it's time for the thursday afternoon just before friday monday morning podcast and i'm just checking in on you

Speaker 1 i'm checking in to see how your week's going and uh obviously when we videotape this you know that i have a special guest and this special guest i've been trying to get on here to be a special guest for a long time and all kinds of crap has happened and i caught the flu and then i had ebola and then there was the pandemic well he's finally on

Speaker 1 He has a new special out called Josh Wolf Four Stories that you can get at fourstories.com. Fourstories Comedy.com.
FourstoriesComedy.com. I never make a minute without making a mistake.

Speaker 1 Please welcome the one and only Josh Wolf. What's going on, man? We finally made it happen.
I know, here we are. This has been years in the making.
It has.

Speaker 1 I feel like it goes back to Big Poppy's Roast or no? Yeah.

Speaker 1 When was that? Was that before the pandemic? Pre-pandemic. By the way, one of the best weekends of my life.
That was such a fun weekend. All right, let's set up.
Big Poppy was getting roasted.

Speaker 1 It was the end of his career, right? End of his career. And he wanted to get roasted, and we did it at the Hard Rock Cafe right across the street from Fenway Park.
And it was,

Speaker 1 you know, oh, God, who did it? We went to... Lenny Clark was on it.
Rob Gronkowski was on it.

Speaker 1 Anthony Mackey, Pedroia, who might have been the funniest one, because he told... Oh, he was hostile.
He told that story about Poppy not not knowing his name.

Speaker 1 Yeah, but he was also like mad at all the comments because they kept making fun of him. They kept making fun of him for being short.

Speaker 1 And then he turns around and he goes, I'm like you guys, I wrote all my jokes. I'm sitting there going, like, fuck you, you little shit.
I wrote my jokes too.

Speaker 1 Yeah. He was fucking.

Speaker 1 Yeah, no, but I also saw why he made into the big leagues. I love Dustin Pedro, but

Speaker 1 he had had enough

Speaker 1 non-athletic fucking miles running about him. Adam Ray dressed up, remember he has an old Yankee fan.
So nobody knew who it was. Oh, it's fantastic.

Speaker 1 And Pedroias was sitting next to me because I was sitting right next to him on the stage. And he was like, who the fuck is this guy?

Speaker 1 And he was so fucking mad that Adam kept referring to him as short. He was like, who's this fucking old dude?

Speaker 1 I got to take shit from you guys and some old dude.

Speaker 1 And the thing was, he wasn't taking that much shit. No.
It's just so many people told him he was short his whole life and that he wasn't going to make it to the big leagues.

Speaker 1 I mean, he had a story about that. I think when he was trying to figure out what college to go to, they brought up like his height.

Speaker 1 And then, like, and then there was like one or two short jokes, and his thermometer just went through the roof. And I didn't say one short joke.
I was like, you know what?

Speaker 1 He like, by the time I get up there, he's going to start swinging. And this guy can hit one over the green monster.

Speaker 1 I don't want to take this. Gronk took the most, without a doubt.
I got Lenny pretty good. By the way, Lenny to me might be the most underrated.
He's so funny, Lenny Clark.

Speaker 1 And by the way,

Speaker 1 my favorite joke I did was talking about his past cocaine use. He said if Lenny sneezed right now, the kids wouldn't have, they wouldn't have school until January.

Speaker 1 And Lenny Clark, he went through eras. That was like sweatpant era, Lenny Clark, when he was just wearing sweats outfits.
No, no, no, he had the crazy outfit.

Speaker 1 He had the Crayola yellow pants with the black thing and then something else yellow. I told him he looked like a Legoland construction worker.

Speaker 1 No, then he got into, yeah, no,

Speaker 1 there was young Lenny with like the 70s hair, and then it was Mullet Lenny. That's a good era.
And then it became Big Lenny.

Speaker 1 And then it became

Speaker 1 there was like two or three more Lennys, and then it became, then there was Pull-Up Lenny. Did you ever see Pull-Up Lenny? Jacked Lenny.

Speaker 1 Dude, this guy, he's like 60 something years old jacked we're doing comics come home and he's on the Bruins pull-up bar and he's he's going up and down like like he it looked like he wouldn't when a young person puts an old man's suit on

Speaker 1 people but he was actually doing it it made no sense I I always wondered also because Lenny I don't know what his top weight was but it he was oh there was cigar lenny but how did coke cigar lenny was so fast lenny finished the cigar lit the other one with that one and just like he was like chain smoking cigars And then the cigars went away.

Speaker 1 Yeah, now it's just workout Lenny.

Speaker 1 That's where he is right now.

Speaker 1 He's workout Lenny right now. That's where he is.
Workout Lenny.

Speaker 1 I've loved all Lenny.

Speaker 1 There's been a lot of Lenny's. There's been a lot of Lennys.

Speaker 1 Yeah, but when I was doing the roast, like as much as I was getting them, see, I, you know, I, you know, coming up in that scene, like, he's one of the Mount Rushmore guys.

Speaker 1 So it's like, also, like, is he going to get mad at me? You know, and he's not a little guy. No.
Yeah.

Speaker 1 All of those guys are like 6'2 ⁇ , 6'3, and he's banging out like 20 pull-ups, like he's looking for his male. And I'm like, do I need,

Speaker 1 do I need old school fucking Lenny to put the, with his grip strength to be grabbing me by the neck? You definitely don't want to get beat up by a 68-year-old. That's tough to explain.

Speaker 1 Who's on your Mount Rushmore

Speaker 1 of those Boston guys? Who would it be? Well, Mount Rushmore is only four people. So I think it would be like, you remember when Tony Soprano did the, James Ganelfini did the cover of Cigar

Speaker 1 Fixionato magazine? He goes, I'm only doing it if everybody's on, and it opened up and there was everybody. If you're going to really do it,

Speaker 1 it would be Leno

Speaker 1 because Leno before there was even comedy clubs. I mean, he's literally the guy that took the beach.

Speaker 1 And then

Speaker 1 there was all the ding-ho guys,

Speaker 1 Sweeney,

Speaker 1 Don,

Speaker 1 Gavin,

Speaker 1 Jesus Christ, DJ Hazard, Tony V,

Speaker 1 Kenny Rogerson, Jimmy Tingle, Stephen Wright. Kenny Rogerson, Kenny Santarelli.

Speaker 1 Was Kenny Rogerson like

Speaker 1 ridiculously funny? I've heard stories about Kenny Rogerson. Oh, yeah, yeah.
And what was great about him was, I don't know if he wasn't from Boston or if he was just on his own wavelength.

Speaker 1 He didn't have like the so-called Boston style. Like, you know, Boston people, we, we, you know, I think we've mellowed, but like as crazy as we were, those guys were fucking maniacs.

Speaker 1 Pull over in the car and beat the shit out of somebody half your fucking age and then continue the conversation. Like that level, crazy.

Speaker 1 Kenny was like, you know, so they all had like that rapid fire.

Speaker 1 You know, there was a lot of like the Don Gavin, Kevin Knox, how did I forget him? That rapid fire.

Speaker 1 You know, and I really feel like all of that is, it's just, you know, people that like think that fast and are going over here and I'm over here. That's all like you had a fucked up childhood.
Yeah.

Speaker 1 And at any second, something could happen. So you just,

Speaker 1 okay, what the fuck was that? Block that out. Hey, let's talk about this over here.
Like the older I get, like, that's really like a lot, you know, oh my God, dad's taken off the belt.

Speaker 1 You know, it was like one of those deals. But like, Kenny had like,

Speaker 1 he had a slower pace, but he was still like a storyteller and everything. But he had like his own

Speaker 1 just at John Finette was another guy. I mean, dude, the level of just standing ovation.
Crazy. Like, I always forget a few guys.
Stephen Ray. I said Stephen Ray.
Yeah. I said Stephen Ray.

Speaker 1 He was my first live comedy concert. I remember seeing him in Hartford.
And I drove from my high school in Amherst.

Speaker 1 And

Speaker 1 that hooked me.

Speaker 1 I mean, that must, but every comedy show must be downhill after that. I mean, there's nobody like that guy.
And that guy has, like, arguably the best jokes. in stand-up history.

Speaker 1 And just think about, like, and I'm just saying, as far as like jokes, not like storytellers or like you know uh social commentary i just mean jokes that guy's fucking jokes it's it's just it but to fill an hour with that many jokes is what got me i'm like this is all punchline it's like 180

Speaker 1 it was crazy possibly two well he talks slow so probably three a minute that was the thing like i used to open for brian kiley another amazing boston comic and he used to sit there going like you know he goes dude i'm not i don't tell stories stories like these other guys.

Speaker 1 He goes, for me to do like 45 minutes, he goes, you got to understand that's like close to like 180, 200 jokes. And I was thinking about, I never fucking thought about that.

Speaker 1 And what's what I always loved about those joke guys is a lot of times there's like no segues. So then, you know, what tethers

Speaker 1 most people's acts together is I talk about this

Speaker 1 for six, seven minutes, and then I go to that and da da da. And there's sort of like this through line where their jokes are so perfect.
Brian Kiley,

Speaker 1 Hedberg, Stephen Wright, their jokes are so perfect that they can go any. Like all of them are closers.
All of them could be openers.

Speaker 1 All of them, you know, you're almost wasted in the middle because that's all they have is great openings and closing, the whole thing. But like, you have to remember

Speaker 1 all of those freaking jokes. Jackie the joke, man.

Speaker 1 I opened the joke, man. I don't know how I remembered all those jokes.
I opened for Cable Guy for about three years.

Speaker 1 And I was just sitting. My brother was like, I'm not going to come.
I don't think he's my sense of humor. I said, he tells 300 punchlines a night.
So if he only hits 50%, you're laughing 150 times.

Speaker 1 And so my brother was like, I go, just come, free tickets. And after the show, he was like, I can't believe how many times I laughed.
Yeah.

Speaker 1 I said, you're not going, there's no way you could laugh at all of them. But there are so many of them.
You're guaranteed 100 laughs. That's a lot of laughs.

Speaker 1 Yeah, I can't do that. No, meaning that.
And I'm not even like a good joke writer. Me neither.
I just go off on shit or I tell stories.

Speaker 1 But like, you know, it's funny, my daughter's really, she's seven now. She's really getting into jokes.
So, you know, she has like, you know, she wants me to do like jokes, like tell some jokes.

Speaker 1 And I got like the level of thinking. It's like, I don't do this.

Speaker 1 I don't think. And then I just make up dumb jokes.
But she's my wife. My wife loves the dumb jokes.
Do you ever open? Like, how did Daryl throw out his back

Speaker 1 From Holland Oats.

Speaker 1 That's a dad joke. It's the worst joke ever.
No, but the thing is, it's so bad.

Speaker 1 It's so fucking bad. She always puts her head down, shakes her head, and then starts laughing.
But she's laughing

Speaker 1 because it is bad. And also, kind of the story of that band.
Like, he probably thinks he was carrying John, you know?

Speaker 1 Yeah, listen. The mustache alone has got to weigh at least 40 pounds.
If there's one guy. Not to get in the middle of that.
I love both of them, and I wish they would be on the same tour bus. Do you?

Speaker 1 And write some more. Yeah.
But if there's one guy. You don't like to see the Everly Brothers not like each other? Are they alive? Huh? The Everly Brothers? Yeah, they died.

Speaker 1 They passed the torch to those Oasis guys. Those guys never get along.
Two of the funniest fucking bastards I've ever seen in my life. Who? Those Oasis guys.
Oh, yeah, dude. I love it.

Speaker 1 Their jokes are better than their music, and their music sells out the O2 arena.

Speaker 1 I hear they're getting back together. I like them so much more when they hate each other.
It's to me so much more entertaining. So much more.

Speaker 1 I would listen to a double album of them just shitting.

Speaker 1 If they made a mixtape where in between every song, they said some shit about each other. You know how, like, whatever.

Speaker 1 I can't imagine if you were like the parents of them and you just remember when they played in a sandbox being like, what the hell happened?

Speaker 1 Did we not take them to the fucking amusement park enough times? Like, how do you, how do you get to this point? And that level of hate for your brother is so... I got three brothers.

Speaker 1 I mean, we disagree, but that level of hate for each other, that's reserved for

Speaker 1 me and everybody in my family at this point, all my relatives, we all know what buttons not to push. And every once in a while, you still do it.
Yep.

Speaker 1 And then you start, all right, all right, all right, all right, forget it, forget it, forget it. Yeah, yeah.
Not worth it, not worth it. You're right, you're right.

Speaker 3 I don't want to do this.

Speaker 1 And I just like,

Speaker 1 but if I don't see them for a while I forget and then we start to get into it again yeah it was like does your daughter has she heard your stand-up

Speaker 1 no she knows she goes she always says daddy are you doing stand-up tonight and I say yeah she goes are you saying the bad words and I go yeah and she goes why do you say the bad words I go because I don't know how to write a joke

Speaker 1 they're the PEDs of stand-up comedy yeah

Speaker 1 you know Jacob started touring with me my youngest son started opening for me and how old is he 27.

Speaker 1 It's been amazing, dude. It really, because, you know, one thing that you...
Now, if he has a better set than you, how does that make you feel as a father? Oh, I just go up and...

Speaker 1 First, I'm proud, and then I make fun of him.

Speaker 1 You know, I can't have him winning the show. No, no, he, he, listen.
You got to go a little great Santini. Yeah.

Speaker 1 But we...

Speaker 1 We do like a Q ⁇ A because so many of my jokes have been about him at the end of the set that he gets a lot of shots in at me. It's just fun.
fun.

Speaker 1 Yeah, yeah, yeah. It's a lot of fun.
All right. You know what you should do? You should bring him up in the end.

Speaker 1 At the end? After your set, you should bring him up, and you guys should just trash each other. That's what we do.
Oh, you do that. All right.
Look at that. That's what we do.

Speaker 1 Give me another non-original idea.

Speaker 1 You know what you should do, Josh? You should do what you're already doing. Well, tell me about this special.
Now, is this special

Speaker 1 what are we talking about here?

Speaker 1 Is this

Speaker 1 an older, wiser Josh Wolf? Let's us in a little bit more.

Speaker 1 Yeah, you know what it is, man? It's something that I was told not to do a million times. I was told, don't, because the whole special is just for somebody.

Speaker 1 No, AIDS. That was the big thing when we were growing up.
Don't bring up AIDS. Don't bring up AIDS.

Speaker 1 Now you can bring up AIDS. Well, they cured it.
Yeah.

Speaker 1 Well, Magic Johnson. Magic Johnson.
Thank God Magic Johnson got it. If Magic Johnson didn't get it, they would still be like, hey, you know, he got about four years.

Speaker 1 When he got AIDS and got healthier, I was like, come on, guys. Yeah, well, he had HIV.
It never went into the thing. Yeah,

Speaker 1 it doesn't even show up in his system anymore. Is that right? Yeah.

Speaker 1 This special, no AIDS.

Speaker 1 I mean, I never looked at his medical records, but that's what they said.

Speaker 1 They were sending the blood test to you. How quickly I just, yes, I can confirm that.

Speaker 1 Didn't everybody kind of become a doctor during the pandemic? Why can't I do that now?

Speaker 1 Have you ever said to your doctor, hey, I Googled and looked at their face? When you tell your doctor, hey, I Googled this,

Speaker 1 all the blood runs out of their face. They must be so mad.
They're like, I went 12 years. I learned shit.
You think Google beats 12 years?

Speaker 1 That would be like if you did your act and then somebody walked up to you with the joke book and being, all right, listen to this one.

Speaker 1 That's basically what it is. But the problem is, is it's not the fucking doctors.

Speaker 1 It's the FDA and the pharmaceutical companies, and the fact that nobody is watching them.

Speaker 1 And yeah, the food supply is making everybody sick, and then they give you these things that fix what the food did to you, but then the side effect gets you into the hospital.

Speaker 1 You're just basically this vehicle for them to make money off. That's right.

Speaker 1 Like, you know, those psycho moms that are slowly killing their kids so they can fucking get attention, you know, when they die?

Speaker 1 I feel like that's what everybody in power is doing to their own people.

Speaker 1 Which I think is fantastic because eventually someone will invade invade this country and they'll have made everybody so fucking sick that they'll actually have to fight the war. Listen,

Speaker 1 I

Speaker 1 look at

Speaker 1 there, there are people in this country that like.

Speaker 1 Who are these people?

Speaker 1 You ever go,

Speaker 1 you work out, and

Speaker 1 I went to the gym recently.

Speaker 1 I was looking for a trainer, and they had this. Were you looking for a blonde 26? No,

Speaker 1 maybe

Speaker 1 32. Bullet tits? Bullet tits, like the 50s.

Speaker 1 Bullet tits. Getting out of the Ford Thunderbird convertible.

Speaker 1 Do you know there was... Hey, Daddy-O.

Speaker 1 Let's go do some jumping jacks.

Speaker 1 Do you know

Speaker 1 the one and only time,

Speaker 1 and I'm telling this story on stage, so I won't get into it, but there was one and only time that I hired, that I called for a hooker. She had one fake tit and one real one.

Speaker 1 And she couldn't, she told me she was like, I couldn't afford to get them both done at the same time. It was the craziest.
They looked so good in the bra, dude.

Speaker 1 They took off the bra, and one of them just kind of. Oh, so one sagged, but they were still the same size.

Speaker 1 Hard to say when one looks like it just had a stroke, you know, and the other one is looking straight ahead at you. It was really hard to really judge the side.
It was so distracting, dude.

Speaker 1 Did you ever set up a benefit so she could put her other titty?

Speaker 1 That would have been amazing. The one titty benefit?

Speaker 1 I did not keep in touch with it.

Speaker 1 I participate in human trafficking, but that doesn't mean I don't help people.

Speaker 1 Yeah.

Speaker 1 Bullet tits is not a tour. There's a lot of God that cares.
Like, when I just hear stories like that, I'm just like, he just makes shit and he just moves on. Yeah.
You know what I mean?

Speaker 1 Like this fucking asshole who fixed the air conditioning in my house. And he just, you know,

Speaker 1 the crawl space to get up, the hole, there wasn't enough. So he just fucking hacks it out with like this hatchet.
And then they put this half-assed thing that they painted while it was in there.

Speaker 1 So the borders are still okay and i asked the guy to come back like nine times he still hasn't come back he's like what's the problem what do you mean what's the problem

Speaker 1 you cut a hole in my throat see toy story when tom hanks loses his arm that's that's what this my my crawl space looks like

Speaker 1 finish it off make it look nice and finish painting the do you have anything in the crawl space

Speaker 1 uh

Speaker 1 no no i have an old house it's costing me a fortune it's just it's that's all it is it's a crawl space you can't put anything up there.

Speaker 1 You know, I have like, you know what I have? I have like my carry-on luggage that I never use. Like any, no comic,

Speaker 1 no, not carry-on, I'm sorry, check luggage. No comic brings that.
That's like what your wife brings when you go on vacation and you're just looking at her like, you're not going to wear that shit.

Speaker 1 Why do you have four suitcases?

Speaker 1 You're going to wear the same fucking outfit every single day. Two nights we're going to go out to dinner and you can just have like two different outfits and you would be good.

Speaker 1 I'm going to wear the same pants and different t-shirts. That's my vacation.
Malcolm Young. That's it.
Malcolm Young. That's the way to go.
Did you have brothers and sisters? Well, they didn't die.

Speaker 1 You have brothers and you do you, brother? Yeah, I do. Did you, because in our attic growing up, we had the only, we had just a couple of trunks that had old

Speaker 1 hand-me-downs. Oh, winter clothes.
Oh, hammy-downs. The winter clothes would go up there, and then we had like hand-me-downs, which, you know, I don't know why.

Speaker 1 I think family's going to start doing that, the way these people at the top are taking all the fucking money. I'm sorry, I mean, these fucking immigrants coming into this country.
How long?

Speaker 1 Every election, they get away with the immigrant thing. It's not the fucking 10 cunts at the top with 15 infinity pools.
It's the guy floating over on a mattress from Cuba.

Speaker 1 Yeah, so we had like, yeah, the winter clothes were up there, and then the winter clothes would come down. You would be psyched.

Speaker 1 And I remember like hand-me-downs were exciting because I was second in line. So they weren't too ratted up.
I was last.

Speaker 1 So I would, yeah, so I would be looking at my older brother and just being like, oh, yeah, man, I'm getting that shirt in two years. That's pretty cool.
I did a benefit recently for this hockey team.

Speaker 1 You know, hockey stuff is expensive. And I was joking about that, how like the families that like hockey families.
If you like weren't rich, you had a bunch of kids.

Speaker 1 So then it like financially made sense. And like the oldest kid got all the new hockey equipment and then it just got passed down through like five or six kids.
That's right.

Speaker 1 And by the end, it would be like 1987.

Speaker 1 You're like the youngest kid and you're still wearing those leather skates with like the steel blades, you know, out there looking like fucking rocket richard and

Speaker 1 you have like a straight stick it didn't even have a fucking bend in it or anything yeah my mom used stand makita she my mom used to try to to sell every she'd be like look try to sell it like they were new clothes look at this i'm like I'm last out of four boys.

Speaker 1 There's a mustard stain. Don't try to sell me like this.
You know, always the best was the three-quarter sleeves, and then they would get holes in the elbows, and then it became a short-sleeve shirt.

Speaker 1 And then then it went into the summer trunk. Jeans became shorts all the time.
Oh, yeah. You know, I think our sneakers were washable.
Oh, my God. Sneakers were washable.

Speaker 1 You started the first day of school in like boats. They were like a size, a size and a half too big.
Everybody was like skating on their new sneakers. By October, they were filthy.

Speaker 1 And around Christmas, they started to fit. And in April, your toes started curling up, and you weren't getting new ones until August.
And it wasn't even like people were broke.

Speaker 1 It was just like, like, there wasn't Instagram with everybody looking brand new. But we had Depression Era parents, dude.

Speaker 1 Our parents were parents from the pits, right? Yeah, so that was a little bit more of we got to use this until the wheel. I think I told you.

Speaker 1 I think white women didn't want big lips when we were growing up. I know.
Or asses. That's all Instagram.
I was at the airport the other day and I saw two women. They had the same lips.

Speaker 1 Like, they literally went to the same, like, oh my God, where did you get that? Like, she liked her fucking dress or something. And they were sitting there.

Speaker 1 They looked fake as shit, and they looked the exact same, and they were hanging out. Maybe they maybe they were related.
Yeah, maybe they were.

Speaker 1 No, no, there's something about when you get work on your face, all of a sudden your face becomes shiny. Like, you always look like you just got out of a steam room.

Speaker 1 I don't know what that is. The Twitter guy looks like that.
The Twitter guy always looks like he just got done playing half-court basketball.

Speaker 1 Also, though.

Speaker 1 Everybody starts to look exactly the same. After one or two plastic surgeries, there's only so much you can do.
Everybody kind of looks like myself. For a while, Frozen Face, which has gone away,

Speaker 1 there was a moment. Frozen face was like a status symbol.
Like you would, like

Speaker 1 Beverly Hills, you go out to like Malibu and stuff. And, you know, my wife breaks all of that shit down.
I'm like, what the fuck are they doing

Speaker 1 with

Speaker 1 these faces? And she's just going, like, you know, that's what rich people do.

Speaker 1 And

Speaker 1 it became like a time, like if you didn't have work done, it was almost like you were driving like an economy car. Yeah,

Speaker 1 that meant you were one of the poorers. Yeah, if you didn't have a shiny face.
But I also think like guys like

Speaker 1 Tom Cruise came back one time where his face was just full and hair still dark. And you're like, just say, I got a bunch of shit in my face.
Don't show up. Oh, did he do something? Oh, dude.

Speaker 1 Tom Cruise came. This was probably pre,

Speaker 1 not the, like two Mission Impossibles ago. And he just came back with full-face Tom.
And you're like, you dude, but what is the problem?

Speaker 1 Like, why just be like, yeah, dude, I know I look completely different. And I know I'm 70 and I don't have any gray hair.
He came back at 60 and looked like he just did the Outsiders. That's right.

Speaker 1 That's right. By the way, one of my all-time favorite movies.
But how about Tom Cruise? Like, he's on top for 40 straight years. I mean, like, there's a handful of people, handful, in 100 years.

Speaker 1 I was thinking about this, too. If you think about the Stones, since the mid-60s, they've been selling 50,000 tickets a night.
That's insanity. No, it is insane.

Speaker 1 I'll tell you what's crazy is their bass player, Bill Wyman, quit the band 30 years in, and they have now gone on and toured longer than he was in the band. That's insane.

Speaker 1 He was probably thinking like, all right, I'm fucking, because he was older than everybody else. He's still alive.
The guy's almost 90. And he was just probably thinking, I got enough money.

Speaker 1 This shit's going to go on another 10 years. Am I even going to be alive in 10 years? Let me just fucking chill out.

Speaker 1 And I'm not saying it was a bad decision, but there's no way he thought, you know, if I,

Speaker 1 like, I think he quit in early, like, I always look at them like they broke in in 64, but they were probably together 63, 62. So he quit around 92.
So he was there the first 30 years. They've gone on.

Speaker 1 Now it's 32 years later. There's no way he was like

Speaker 1 you're right he was probably thinking I can they're gonna tour 10 more years but I got enough money I don't need that 10 years but I bet you he's thought once or twice in the last 30 years what's amazing about that band is Bill Wyman left and they replaced him with the black guy and then Charlie Watts died and replaced him with Steve Jordan another black guy so like that band is slowly becoming

Speaker 1 the four tops no a black band and they've always been when they came out they were doing blues music Yeah. Now,

Speaker 1 they gave credit, but it was just sort of like they were a white band doing black music. And then eventually,

Speaker 1 as all of them die, if they continue this, they're going to become an all-black band doing a white band that was ripping off black music. It's like Robert Downey Jr.'s character.

Speaker 1 Yeah, I'm that dude. Yeah.
I'm going to be another dude. That's the same thing.
I have to go see them.

Speaker 1 I've only seen him once. I saw him on the Steel Wheels tour in 1989 at Sullivan Stadium.
Oh, shit. Yeah, and this is.
Sullivan Stadium.

Speaker 1 Yeah, and this is before they had like the big, the big where the screens would be, it just said Bud Light. And I remember those, oh, fuck, they're selling out because they did that.

Speaker 1 So Mick Jagger was like that big. I didn't really even see him.
Bill Wyman was still in the band. Charlie was still alive.
But

Speaker 1 Steve Jordan is one of my favorite drummers of all time. Yeah.

Speaker 1 Of all time. Like in his entire career.
There's some album he did that I've been trying to find. It's out of print.

Speaker 1 He did a fusion album. Somebody was telling me.
And I've been trying to find that thing because, you know,

Speaker 1 he plays, like, he doesn't play any unnecessary notes. And Fusion, you know, was the opposite of that.

Speaker 1 It wasn't like you were playing too many, but it was definitely really busy. And I just wanted to be like, I just, such a fan.
I want to hear, like, what did that part of his career sound like?

Speaker 1 What year was that?

Speaker 1 It was somewhere in between the Blues Brothers and him getting in the Letterman band. He was the original drummer in the Letterman band.

Speaker 1 And it was either right after he left the Letterman band or right before he got into it. I forget.
But

Speaker 1 there's a couple of Killer Fusion albums out there. There's a band, Brand X, which is Phil Collins.
It was funny, like, our Hulk generation knew him as this Sesudio guy.

Speaker 1 And dude, if you listen to that album, I mean, he's one of the fucking greatest drummers

Speaker 1 of all time. And he...
became like a front man when Peter Gabriel left Genesis. And then they had Mike and the Mechanics.
I can't even keep up with it, like all of those offshoots of those groups.

Speaker 1 But like he is such an insanely talented musician. I don't think I know exactly what you mean by fusion.

Speaker 1 Fusion, okay, the first thing you're going to notice is it's hard to listen to. Okay, that's ringing endorsement.
Yeah, no,

Speaker 1 fusion was basically.

Speaker 1 Jazz musician, I think, I want to say it started with Miles Davis, Bitch's Brew, and what he was doing was he was taking from all of this rock and funk and all that stuff, and he was fusing it together with jazz.

Speaker 1 And then it kind of became, there was this amazing era, some of it not so good, some of it great, where it was like fusion, which I think then led to like

Speaker 1 progressive music, which was, you know, rock music taken to another level that was like in all of this odd time and all of that, which I think a lot of it, even if it wasn't influenced by what Miles was doing, it was just the boredom of like, if you play in a band and every song is in in four and your hand just keeps coming down on two and four,

Speaker 1 it starts to feel like a loveless marriage. Yeah.

Speaker 1 Like Groundhog Day, like, oh my God, how can I do this? Unless you play into something that's really stripped down, like ACDC. Like, I've never gotten tired playing along to like ACDC albums.

Speaker 1 But then, like, a lot of the rock bands that came after that, everything was, like, in four and all that, which I've never understood why you wouldn't, like, in the chorus, just throw in, like, just play in seven or something like that, just to sort of switch it up.

Speaker 1 I think, honestly, like as an artist, I would, that's exactly how I would think.

Speaker 1 But if you were writing music just for people listening, I bet you your idea is like, let's keep it the way they like it. Well, that's the money behind the album, I think, was always

Speaker 1 doing that. But

Speaker 1 I don't know. I listened to.

Speaker 1 The first concert I ever went to. Oh, great one.

Speaker 1 I saw the police and rem opened up for him it was a synchronicity tour oh wow and that's a great one i remember the guy who took me i be my parents wouldn't obviously they were like we don't want to go and you can't go by yourself and i found my one of my oldest brother's friends was like i want to go but i don't want to see the police i want to see the band that's opening up for him and i he was i was like who is that and he said rem and i had never heard of yeah rem but we went early and there were barely anybody in the stadium.

Speaker 1 That's killer. But they were amazing.

Speaker 1 Amazing, amazing. It was the first time in the police live during the synchronicity.
It wasn't a lot to like REM until the 90s.

Speaker 1 I just grew up in a very sports

Speaker 1 job town. It's the end of the world.
It would be the end of me. I would get the shit kicked out of me.
It's just like you could not, you had to listen to all of it was,

Speaker 1 you know, Motley Crew and that type of stuff, which I still, you know, I still love all of that music.

Speaker 1 And I'll tell you, this, you know, grossly underrated Motley Crew album is the one they did with John Karabi, that won in 1994.

Speaker 1 And they didn't want to call the album Motley Crew because Vince wasn't in it.

Speaker 1 And then they gave into the fucking label and blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. I mean, I think if they didn't call it Motley Crew, that could have been so interesting.

Speaker 1 Like, even if they just had a 2-3 album run with that guy, because he was an incredible singer and guitar player.

Speaker 1 So they went from sort of like a power trio to having all of a sudden they had a rhythm guitarist underneath what Mick was playing. And Mick writes, you know, killer riffs.

Speaker 1 We saw Motley Crew at the bowl.

Speaker 1 And

Speaker 1 so Vince Neal, they opened up and they had this giant circular staircase where he was going to run down. And midway down, he started to get a little winded because he was...

Speaker 1 Yeah, this was, you know, in the mid-2000s. He started to get a little winded.
And so he was singing Kickstart My Heart. And he would run to one side of the stage, but he was so winded, he'd go, ah,

Speaker 1 yeah. And he would just lean the microphone out.
So

Speaker 1 people would sing. He was out of breath.
When he tried to run across, he was just grabbing his sides and shit like he was cramping up.

Speaker 1 It's so hard for me to watch. Listen, dude, that guy's been through a lot.
All right. People are going to be a little more appreciative of Vince.
But listen,

Speaker 1 I love

Speaker 1 old school stuff. I love...

Speaker 1 I mean, it's one of the things that I push down my kids' throats. I told you, I think, when I played baseball in Little League, I played with...
I thought you said that like you were angry with it.

Speaker 1 I told you.

Speaker 1 Fucking times I got to go through this. But I played with a four-finger baseball glove that was signed by Warren Spahn.
That was the glove. We had hand-me-downs.
Like, so we've, I've always.

Speaker 1 Oh, wait, you told me that your grandfather made the gloves for the Boston Braves. For the Boston Braves.
He, he, the last time we. Wait, how does a four-finger glove?

Speaker 1 It was like one of those. So it didn't have one for every leg.

Speaker 1 Yeah, it was one of these. It had one big one in the middle, right? It was signed by NWA.
Yeah.

Speaker 1 And Warren Spawn.

Speaker 1 Yeah.

Speaker 1 The last time we took him to Fenway Park, we were sitting up in a box, and he said, you know,

Speaker 1 I saw Babe Ruth pitch here. And I was like, what?

Speaker 1 And he's, which is like saying, I saw Paul Bunyan chop down a tree.

Speaker 1 Saying Babe Ruth.

Speaker 1 And

Speaker 1 we were all like, and then he said, I think he would have been so much better if he hadn't drank so much beer. I was like, I think he was still pretty good.
I think he's still, but it was.

Speaker 1 You know, my theory, I've always teased Yankee Yankee fans going like, dude, you're telling me this fat guy could win a Cy Young and hit fucking 700 home runs.

Speaker 1 I'm like, it was an all-white beer league. Like, what are you doing? What the fuck are we doing here?

Speaker 1 And I always go like how if you notice, like, the last guy to hit 400 is before Jackie Robinson comes in. And if you look back in the late 1890s or whatever, like three guys would do it a year.

Speaker 1 And then by the 1920s, it became like a guy would do it like every two to three years.

Speaker 1 And then it was Ted Williams did it and no one ever did it again because all the Pedros and Gibsons and all that were allowed into the league. And that was my theory.

Speaker 1 And then fucking Otani comes along and it's just like, all right,

Speaker 1 maybe I'm wrong. How awesome is it to watch him play?

Speaker 1 I honestly love it. As a baseball fan, it's amazing.
As a Patriots fan, watching him being like, oh, yeah, it was my interpreter. And maybe he's just like, nothing to see here.

Speaker 1 Yeah, they did sweep that.

Speaker 1 And then with us, they uphold the investigation of the owner of the losing team. Like, oh,

Speaker 1 this is factual. It's like, all right, okay, all right.
Yeah, they really did kind of give him a pass, but he's the whole fucking league. He is the whole league.
And that's what's going on.

Speaker 1 And I'm telling you right now, what's going on with sports right now.

Speaker 1 I feel like with Kansas City, like Kansas City is the whole league right now because they're waiting like

Speaker 1 Patrick Mahomes needs his Peyton or Brady.

Speaker 1 And

Speaker 1 he doesn't have one right now.

Speaker 1 And that's how that the whole time I've been watching this league, it's always been the two top guys going at it, the two top quarterbacks, and then they'd have great teams, and there'd be these epic Super Bowls and playoff games or regular season games.

Speaker 1 I mean, the Colts weren't even in our division, and they made sure that we played them every fucking year. So you'd have another Brady Payton Manning thing.

Speaker 1 And I just feel like right now, like Patrick Mahomes is twiddling his thumbs. There's a bunch of people like at the B-plus.
I think they're trying to do it with Lamar Jackson.

Speaker 1 Like they put, they make sure they play every year, and they're trying to do it with him. He just can't beat Mahomes.
Although, this is the first game this weekend is crazy.

Speaker 1 First of all, the Ravens are going to have to win by at least 17 to beat the Kansas City Chiefs because the amount of money the Chiefs are making. At the end of the day, it's a business.

Speaker 1 Andy got Taylor Swift, and she's making people in the South Pacific watch the fucking game. I mean, they got Lamar Jackson.

Speaker 1 It's a business.

Speaker 1 There's a reason why they can fucking manhandle people on the final drive. I get it.
Yo, some of those calls in the end zone, and I'm not a conspiracy dude, but some of those calls...

Speaker 1 I'm a businessman. Yeah.
That's what it is. Fucking business.
Yeah. And that's it.
As much as there's 50,000 Coca-Cola's, the red can is still the one. That's their moneymaker.
That's it.

Speaker 1 Do you think the league wants a three-peat?

Speaker 1 I think they want the story.

Speaker 1 Because right now, right now, there's just this not like

Speaker 1 the Buffalo thing was exciting, and then it didn't pan out. The Stephon Diggs, Josh Allente.
They're fucking stories, dude.

Speaker 1 Every year there's these stories. That's what the fuck they're selling.
That's the game within the game. So that hasn't worked out.

Speaker 1 They look like they were coming back. And then the last two weeks, they're getting their asses kicked.
So now it's like maybe it's the Ravens.

Speaker 1 They wanted Rodgers to be. They wanted the Jets to do well.
Oh, my God. They wanted the Jets to do well.

Speaker 1 Like, yeah, and I feel like then they probably go into panic mode of like, oh, my God, that massive market, all of these old guys like me, like, I'm a Pats fan. I'm rooting for Aaron Rodgers.

Speaker 1 I don't want to see that people are mortal. I want to see this guy live for fucking ever.
And then the first fucking game, you know, that stuff happens.

Speaker 1 And then all of a sudden, dude, that's like a vacuum. That storyline is gone.
I will say, like, there's a bunch of guys that are amazing.

Speaker 1 Like, like Brock Purdy, it took me a minute and I'm like, no, this guy is the real deal. That guy's a, he's a great quarterback.
I love seeing Geno Smith, you know, finally, after all of these years.

Speaker 1 But I didn't like him when he first came in the league, but I love him now.

Speaker 1 That Seattle Lions game was fantastic. But did you see the Seattle lose to the Giants yesterday? On a blocked field goal?

Speaker 1 I know, but the Giants, historically speaking, dude, they're just a great organization. And they always have a great defense.
But they got Daniel Jones, dude.

Speaker 1 Okay, but Daniel Jones now has protection. I've been shitting all over Daniel Jones going, not that I think he's horrific, but you're going to give the guy $70 million?

Speaker 1 But yeah, I'm a fucking comedian. What the hell do I know? But now I'm seeing like they beefed up their line

Speaker 1 and he has time and he's a big fucking dude. But I always wondered.
And he's got a great arm. He does and he can run.
I always wondered, you know, he has one eye that Googles a little bit.

Speaker 1 I always wondered if that helped him as a quarterback that he could see both sides of the field or if that hurt him a little bit. Oh, geez.

Speaker 1 Well, what hurt him was when he was running for a touchdown and he tripped over nothing. Yeah.

Speaker 1 That became his butt fumble. That's the thing.
You can do that in a different market. Like, what's his face?

Speaker 1 Sanchez, he could have run into the ass of his lineman

Speaker 1 in Carolina. No, nobody would have fucking saw that.
He did that on like a Sunday night game in New York, and that was it. I'm spitting here.
Sorry.

Speaker 1 By the way, you know, those are the kind of things also,

Speaker 1 that butt fumble, I'm sure wherever he goes, he still hears butt fumble. A thousand percent that will follow him until the day he dies, until somebody does something worse in a Jets uniform.

Speaker 1 I feel like until sports fans figure out that sports is not going to fill that void and they actually work out their own shit.

Speaker 1 Because as much as sports fans love seeing success, they also love seeing failure because it gives them something like, dude,

Speaker 1 I went to that Huskies Michigan game.

Speaker 1 And this kid came down at the end of the game when the Huskies locked it up. A kid, 22 years old, and he was yelling shit at the Michigan players that was so bad.
They turned around like.

Speaker 1 For real? Yeah, and then some trainer had to come over and be like, dude, I will fuck you up. And then he turned around.
He's like, what's he getting so mad for?

Speaker 1 And it was like he just completely, like, you just look at him and it's like, dude, you watch sports for that moment. That's right.
You want to, like, those, you know.

Speaker 1 Those fans, like, you watch it so you can, like, rub it in. I hate people like that.
Like, it's like, you're not, you're not like, you're not.

Speaker 1 Again, those guys also, they're the ones that leave with 10 minutes left when their team's getting killed because they can't take the shit. They're just there.

Speaker 1 Yeah. I knew this comic in fucking New York, right? I didn't hear from that guy since game three of 2003.
Yeah. I didn't hear from him for fucking 10 years.

Speaker 1 And then right before we won in 2013, remember we had that year where we just choked in September. We had a bunch of injuries and stuff.
And he out of the fucking...

Speaker 1 Dude, I'm talking like an eight-year gap.

Speaker 1 I don't accept shit talk from people like that. That's what I said.
I haven't talked to him since. I'm like, dude, you're a fucking clown.
Yeah, I don't accept shit. You're a fucking clown.

Speaker 1 Where the fuck have you

Speaker 1 been? Yeah. Where have you been? I don't see.
You know, I call it the whack-a-mole fans. Yeah.
Goes good. They pop up and they talk all that shit.
No, I lost a lot of respect for him. I will.

Speaker 1 I'm so...

Speaker 1 Glad you went and saw a game up there. It's one of my favorite places to see a game up there in Seattle.
It's such a cool stadium.

Speaker 1 Dude, it's right on the water. It's amazing.
It's amazing.

Speaker 1 and you could take dude you could bring your wife there if she if she's not even a fan just just go over on a boat yeah that alone what were you doing up there you doing a show i was up there for the game so when i i played a casino in tacoma because i uh had just i had just played seattle yeah and my wife was up there and you know and me and all the other comics and the crew because i was shooting something up there we all did a day out on this boat And we went through the little channel.

Speaker 1 As you come through the channel, it's funny because they're taking you to see like Bill gates and the

Speaker 1 drive by his house well you're on like the boat so it's funny like there's millionaires on this side of the bridge then you go under the bridge and then it becomes billionaires so we're like riding through and i'm looking at the house i sort of turned around and then like there was the stadium well first off when you go through the canal they have all like the crew yeah you know the the rowing teams and they have like all of this the fraternities and all this stuff written on the side so it was really cool and i was like oh wow this is uh this is where the huskies campus is it's right on the water this is like beautiful and then we came to the other side and I turned around, I saw the stadium.

Speaker 1 Like, that's the Husky Stadium. And I'm like, dude, we got to go to a game.
And my buddy looked it up. You know, we're all like Michigan.
I look at Michigan and LSU.

Speaker 1 And I was like, oh, man, we got to go to that game. We got to go to that game.
So,

Speaker 1 you know, I lived up there when Cobain got, when Cobain killed himself.

Speaker 1 So that was. Allegedly.
Yeah.

Speaker 1 I couldn't get to my house. CIA and Courtney Love working together.

Speaker 1 Yeah. I couldn't get to my house for two days

Speaker 1 because I had a

Speaker 1 New York license at the time. And they weren't letting anyone on the street because there were so many looks he lose.
And I had to park. Oh, you live down the street?

Speaker 1 I lived down the street on a part of

Speaker 1 up there called Leshai. We used to see him out by the water in just this long trench coat and the hat that had flaps and these crazy glasses, just sitting on a park bench.

Speaker 1 And I was like, that's fucking, just by himself. That's fucking fucking Kirk Cobain.

Speaker 1 Joy looking at the water. Who doesn't like to do that? Well, he was probably sweating off some heroin, but

Speaker 1 it was. Jesus, everybody's getting it.

Speaker 1 Can you let him rest in peace?

Speaker 1 He would look pretty restful. I'm not going to lie to you.
He wasn't too active at the time.

Speaker 1 Yeah, if he was on heroin, he would be standing up, fucking nodding off on your street. That was, man, I started in Seattle with Joey Diaz and Brody.

Speaker 1 And at a place. How did you end up? You're a Boston guy.
How did you end up in Seattle? Honestly, because... Don't lie to me.

Speaker 1 Because, because.

Speaker 1 Yeah, I do hate it when people say that. Because

Speaker 1 I was looking for a place where there was a ton of stage time. And not just five minutes at a time.
Seattle was giving you 15 minutes at a time. All right, can I ask you a question?

Speaker 1 What was the name of that club? Comedy Underground. The guy Terry.
Giggles. Giggles.
Yeah, I used to play that. That guy died, right? Terry was not a good dude.
Oh, no.

Speaker 1 I remember the end of the weekend. Do you remember those

Speaker 1 look like a shoebox when he bought new baseballs? They used to come in a big box for some reason. So he had that filled up with fives, tens, and 20s all mashed together being like, yeah, here you go.

Speaker 1 I figure I'd give you like because he wasn't paying tax. I wonder what the fuck he was doing.
I go, dude, I'm not going through airport security

Speaker 1 with this titty bar money.

Speaker 1 And, dude,

Speaker 1 it wasn't even like stacked. It was just thrown in there.
It was like, this is some Don King shit. Like, you know, Don King's thing.
No.

Speaker 1 If he had a fighter and he was like a street guy, he would be like, all right,

Speaker 1 he owed you $3 million. He goes, either that or I'll give you $750 in cash.
He goes, these street guys will always take the cash. And he used to fuck him that way.
That's what it felt like.

Speaker 1 And I was living in New York, and he was going to give me a shoebox full of 510s and 20s. And by the time I landed in Newark, I'm like, hey, wait a minute.

Speaker 1 That's the thing. He would say to you, you don't need to count it.
It's all there. I'm like,

Speaker 1 this is a box full of women. I gave him non-stop shit, and he seemed to like it, but I remember he would like trash the younger comics coming up, saying to their face, you're not going to make it.

Speaker 1 He was an interesting, and he was Mormon. So he would always say, I can't do that because I'm Mormon.
I'm like, but you're F-bombing this dude up and down. That's just an excuse.
That's like me.

Speaker 1 I got to go home. I got kids.

Speaker 1 But

Speaker 1 that's not true. It's like, I want to get out of here.
It's the best reason to have it. My wife, I got to do something with my wife tomorrow.
It's just like, no, I just. just got to be up early.

Speaker 1 I got to take the kids somewhere tomorrow. Oh, my God.
My kids, they get up at like five in the morning. They don't.
They sleep till like 7:30. And people are like, dude, your kid's 27.

Speaker 1 I'm like, I know, but

Speaker 1 I got to make sure I'm there for them. Yeah.
Yeah. If you don't have kids and you move to a new city, just say you have a kid.
I'm telling you, it is like, it's the one excuse. Bulletproof.

Speaker 1 Oh, my God. Bulletproof.
I got a kid, man. I got to, you know.
I used to, that was always my excuse.

Speaker 1 If I didn't want, or if I needed to leave somewhere early, oh, yeah, I just got a call from the house. I got to go home.
One of the kids is sick. Yeah, they got the sniffles.
Yeah.

Speaker 1 It's the easiest excuse because nobody's going to be, what are they going to be like, fuck your kids. Nobody's going to say that.
I mean, somebody might, but.

Speaker 1 As opposed to having to, like, you know, listen to these fucking alcoholics. No, come on, man, hang out.
Hang out. It's like, dude, I'm sorry you have nothing to go home for.

Speaker 1 This is my favorite thing. Like the comic, not married, no kids.
Come on, man, hang out. Don't be a pussy.
I'm like, hang out. It's just like, no, dude,

Speaker 1 I got people that like. Like me.
Yeah, I open the door and there's noise.

Speaker 1 hey how are you I don't open door to like a quiet sad apartment yeah and a half-eaten ham sandwich I did that I did that I that and that's when I my drinking was the worst I used to literally when I was on the road

Speaker 1 I would stay out until I was almost gonna fall asleep so I would go back to the hotel and I wouldn't have to deal with the loneliness and then because you know when you for some there's some reason like going to bed alone is lonely.

Speaker 1 Waking up alone, easy. Yeah.

Speaker 1 Waking up alone is, ah, I'm gonna go to the gym gonna get some breakfast i don't have to deal with anybody else's needs waking up alone fantastic going to bed alone brutal i want to tell you the thing that i that has changed the most about me since i started touring with my son is i don't think i realized just how lonely i was out there oh yeah well like you i would go eight hours without talking to a human yeah i've been there do you know where you're i'm like oh i didn't say a word to a human being i used to pride myself on that oh did i used to try to go like the whole day.

Speaker 1 Oh, yes. Can I go the whole day until I meet that college rep where I'd be like, hi, I'm the comedian.
Oh, my God. We're so happy to have you at fucking East Bump, Fuck Community College.

Speaker 1 We don't have a stage, there's no microphone, and no one knows there's a show. Yeah.
And nobody's ever heard of you. This is a free show.
Yes, no one's ever heard of you.

Speaker 1 We just thought you would go up there and just start talking, and everyone would gather around like it was a musical. Like everyone's going to just sit down Indian stuff.
Wow.

Speaker 1 Those college gigs, I think, were were my. Although corporate gigs pay a lot, but some of those can be brutal.

Speaker 1 Because some people don't know they're there for the corporate gig when they make you eat dinner with them and you're their little plaything for these.

Speaker 1 Oh, fuck that. That's a deal breaker.
I don't, like, I did my first corporate gig, and it ended up being a great one. But, like,

Speaker 1 I haven't done one in like, I think, like, 15 years. The last time I did one, I was at the win, and it was a bunch of oil guys

Speaker 1 from like Texas or whatever, and they were fucking hammered, and they were in Vegas.

Speaker 1 They didn't want to see you? No, they just wanted, they wanted me to go up there and tell them all to go fuck themselves. And I was, you know, like an idiot, I was trying to do my act.

Speaker 1 And at one point, I was making fun of them because it was this massive oil spill. And I was just making fun of how much they didn't care.
I'm like, well, you know what?

Speaker 1 That's that fucking bird's fault for landing in the goddamn oil. Am I right? And they didn't get it.
They were all like, yeah.

Speaker 1 And I was just like,

Speaker 1 100 bottles of beer in a wall, 100 bottles of beer. Like, oh, my God, when do I get the fuck out of here? Oh, yeah.
It was like, yeah, it was awful.

Speaker 1 And they didn't, and I remember the way they treated me was unreal. Yeah.
Like, they flew me out there. The wind picked me up.
And they had like a Rolls-Royce. It was funny.
I'm dressed like this.

Speaker 1 I get in the fucking thing. And I remember the back door opened like a suicide door.
And in the door was an umbrella.

Speaker 1 It's a Rolls-Royce umbrella. And I just thought that was the funniest fucking thing.
Just in case? I don't know. I felt like the penguin in Batman.
Like I was gonna,

Speaker 1 I was gonna have this friggin', yeah, in case it rained in the desert, right?

Speaker 1 And then I went, I just knew, like, I knew it was gonna suck. They always suck.
Christmas parties suck. Private gigs suck.

Speaker 1 College gigs were a pick'em. Yep.
That's a puck, puck and a half.

Speaker 1 It's hard now with the college gigs because they have and I stopped doing them because they have all these rules about things you cannot talk about.

Speaker 1 Yeah, and what's funny is the kids don't give a fuck. Nah.
They could completely give a fuck

Speaker 1 and they want you to go up there. But

Speaker 1 what's happening is, though, I feel like they're sitting on these kids' chests and

Speaker 1 they're all going to go Jim Morrison. Hell yeah.
Like this next generation of comedians, I think, is going to be amazing. After the level of

Speaker 1 oppression, it's almost like the 1950s in a way, while not being the 50s.

Speaker 1 And then the 60s, all of a sudden, you know, Lenny Bruce came out in the 50s, and then you had like Carlin and Pryor and all of these guys. And then then it just

Speaker 1 broke open in the 70s. Yeah, it's already like all that cancel shit is, I think, in the past.
Oh, dude, I mean, well, it got so out of control.

Speaker 1 It went from like we need to get people that are sexually assaulting people out of the business to, hey, I don't like the subject matter of your act. Did you say Jew? It's just like, what?

Speaker 1 What just happened? Yeah. What just happened? It really was

Speaker 1 crazy to see how.

Speaker 1 I just feel like you're punching down.

Speaker 1 It's like, yeah. Punching down takes skill.
Punching up, and then you just an echo chamber of fucking... Who wants to stand there? Well, I know somebody does.

Speaker 1 Who wants to stand there and just get applause? No, by the way, also, like... Yay, we all agree.
One of the best things, and you tell me.

Speaker 1 If you think the same, I love making people uncomfortable and people are like, well, there's no way we're ever going to laugh here tonight again.

Speaker 1 And then you figure you bring them all back together.

Speaker 1 That's kind of a fun thing to do, or making them think that you agree with them, and at the last second, you say something really stupid, and they're like,

Speaker 1 Wait a second, he's not on my side, yeah. But then they laugh because it's they know you're being ridiculous and you're just being a dick, and then it becomes like a show.
I don't, uh,

Speaker 1 I don't understand that, like, uh, that echo echo chamber comedy. I don't, I don't get it.
Like, everyone in the crowd is just like you.

Speaker 1 I don't, you know, I don't know. It's also not fun.

Speaker 1 And there's no...

Speaker 1 I kind of like at this point. Irritating people.

Speaker 3 Yeah.

Speaker 1 Yeah. And then getting them on your side.
That's kind of fun to do. I really enjoy it.

Speaker 1 Hey, Josh, that's our love language. You know, toxic people do that.
You call them out on doing some shit. And they go, that's just like my love language.

Speaker 1 It's like, well, why don't you just say you love me? And love it saying that's so such a

Speaker 1 better way for you to do that.

Speaker 1 I like watching some of these. I like watching, like when my son will say, do you think I can say that? I'm like, you could say whatever the fuck you want, dude, as long as it's funny.

Speaker 1 This is our job. Like, it's not funny.
I have it as long as there's nothing malicious behind it. As long as there's

Speaker 1 intent, dude. Yeah.
It's intent. It comes down to like, whatever.

Speaker 1 This has been talked about. Yeah.

Speaker 1 Where are you going to be on tour here? Look at me. Just feeling it.
Feeling coming up on an hour.

Speaker 1 i'm all over the place man i i just want to tell you that i'm all over the place man i didn't fucking i got a bad feeling about this tour man

Speaker 1 i'm all over the place for me dude i just want to this special

Speaker 1 was something that i was told told not to shoot the way i shot it i was told not to they were like i had a bunch of people in my corner like this The story, you're telling me this whole special is just four stories?

Speaker 1 It's just four long stories. And I'm like, yeah, this is how I, and they were like, nobody wants to watch four long stories.
I shot it, dude. And that is based on what?

Speaker 1 What they think people want to watch. Short attention.

Speaker 1 That's how suits burn shit out. They go, that works.
Keep doing that. Keep doing that.
Keep doing that. Keep doing that.
Don't have it evolve. No, no evolution of this.

Speaker 1 And then when it fails, they blame the art form. Like, it's only a matter of time before they're going to be like, oh, the stand-up special is dead.
The stand-up special is dead.

Speaker 1 It's like, well, maybe don't put out fucking $60,000 a year a year. Yeah, maybe don't do that.
This is a good thing. Maybe be a little fucking fucking discerning on what you're doing here.

Speaker 1 Change it up, man. Like, every...

Speaker 1 Change it up, man. Change it?

Speaker 1 Is that Freedom Rock? Turn it up. I made that reference the other day, and I was like, oh, nobody gets it up.
Nobody gets it there. That's one of my favorite late night commercials of all time.

Speaker 1 Is that Freedom Rock? Turn it up.

Speaker 1 I shot this special, not glossy floor, not huge theater. I kept it close the whole time because I was like, I want people.
Full frontal. Full frontal, dick out.
Dick out. But I wanted people.

Speaker 1 You're not aggressive. You weren't erect.
No, there was a smiley face. Flassy.
I had a smiley face. I put the Gargo Mark's glasses on.
Yeah. I liked it.

Speaker 1 But

Speaker 1 I wanted it so you watched it so you felt like you were at the show.

Speaker 1 No wide shots, no shot of the audience. And I shot.

Speaker 1 Yo, this... I kept some.
Wait, you actually made it look good? I tried to.

Speaker 1 Yeah, I tried to. You actually approached it as a piece of art.
Oh, my God. I tried to.

Speaker 1 No one wants to see that.

Speaker 1 I had somebody say to me, dude, I kept a part in where I had to kick somebody out. And I kept the whole thing in.
Yeah, it's fantastic. And I had to stop the show down for five minutes.

Speaker 1 And then I said to the crowd, we're going to see if this joke is funny after I stopped it for five minutes. Yeah.
And I had to win them back.

Speaker 1 And I had people saying, like, take that out, use the first set. I'm like, no, this is what we have to do every weekend

Speaker 1 as a comic. They don't get it.

Speaker 1 They don't get it the way i i would never know how to run a network no and i would never sit there you know what you should do well actually i did that i did say don't put out 50 million a year whatever what are we gonna do so they can see your special forcecomedy.com dot comedy dot dot dot com yeah the worst and where where let's get some dates here uh

Speaker 1 this thursday so what do you got i'm in bozeman tonight i'm in salt lake city friday and saturday and i'm in boise on sunday and the week after that, I'm in Denver.

Speaker 1 That's the three whitest fucking place. It's amazing.
White with a with a Y, white. It's like white.
I thought that was the South. Genuine, white gold.

Speaker 1 Although, I think the whitest place in America is Indiana. Indiana's like...

Speaker 1 Not Indianapolis. No.
Indiana.

Speaker 1 Outside. Indiana is like white, white.

Speaker 1 But the Utah and Boise and Bozeman, definitely some whites there. I know, but they're fun.
Yeah. Because you go there and you make fun of how white it is, and they're like, yeah, you know.

Speaker 1 And I don't know what we got to do here.

Speaker 1 I don't know.

Speaker 1 We got to get some more groovy stuff to attract some non-whites out here. It's just sort of us just fucking.

Speaker 1 But it is what I do like about out there.

Speaker 1 It's gorgeous. And then like the lack of traffic and stuff like that.
But then there's always something you got. Then there's like

Speaker 1 nothing to do, you know. But Monte.
And then you get a gun, you start shooting at shit. I mean,

Speaker 1 they're not gun people. They just don't have.
They're bored. Yeah, the Stones don't go to fucking Bozeman.

Speaker 1 No, I bet you they don't. And I bet you they pick one of the Dakotas.
As much as they try to save the world, they don't go to all of the world. They don't go there.

Speaker 1 They're not going to Casper, Wyoming. Yeah, no, they're not.
No, there's a couple of places. Do you go to Casper, Wyoming? Is that the capital? No idea.
Ooh, the capital of Wyoming.

Speaker 1 I went, I went to Cheyenne. I did Cheyenne one time, and it didn't go well.
It was just sort of,

Speaker 1 it was sort of. uh,

Speaker 1 I don't know if I was talking too fast,

Speaker 1 and I was selling tickets at that point. I did all right, but I remember

Speaker 1 there was so little to do.

Speaker 1 Yeah, the one bar in town

Speaker 1 was the meathead bar, the gay bar, and the military bar. Like the and which one did you go to?

Speaker 1 No, it was all the same place. There was just one place to go, and then they had a drive-through

Speaker 1 liquor store with like a peep show in the back. There was like dancers in the back.
It was fucking wild. That's a crazy combination.

Speaker 1 Yeah, and then I ordered two eggs over easy, dude, and they were almost see-through when the guy dropped. I don't know if it was a new guy on the ground.
I did the gig with Dean Del Ray.

Speaker 1 He goes, dude, you can't eat those. I'm like, I'm starving.
We're going to the fucking airport. Dude, I'm talking like,

Speaker 1 you know, that solution you drop your fucking contacts in?

Speaker 1 It was like that with a yolk.

Speaker 1 I got married in New Orleans, and we had been in New Orleans for like four days, and I hadn't seen a vegetable. So

Speaker 1 we went to a restaurant. I had a movie there for a whole summer, and I didn't see a vegetable.
Dude, with Mike Binder? Yeah. We talked about it on his podcast.

Speaker 1 There was no vegetables. I literally had to, I had to get in an Uber, and I had to fucking go over a bridge to get out of New Orleans to buy a juicer.

Speaker 1 And then Monday, the fucking vegetables would come in, and it was like buying concert tickets back in the day. If he didn't get there by noon, it was gone.

Speaker 1 The place I went to had a broccoli casserole, and I I said to him, I go, what is that? And they were like, it's got cheese and these fried onions. I go, okay, okay.

Speaker 1 I just want, can I just get the broccoli? I go, actually, don't even cook it. Just bring it out raw.
And the server said, you know, that's going to be crunchy, right?

Speaker 1 And I was like, yeah, I know what raw broccoli is. You know, the nutrients are still going to be in it.
Yeah. You know, you know, it's still good for you when it's crunchy, when it's crunchy.

Speaker 1 I remember one weekend, me and Verzi went down there. And

Speaker 1 Friday night, we did a show. Saturday night, we went to LSU, Alabama.
Sunday, we just hung out, ate and drank. And then on Monday night, we went to the Saints Eagles at the Superdome.

Speaker 1 And it's before I had kids, obviously. And dude, I think the heartburn kicked in Friday night.

Speaker 1 And I kept trying to eat something healthy to make it go back down again. And then I couldn't.
Then I would start drinking beer.

Speaker 1 Dude, I'm telling you, like, it was acid reflux, like up to fucking here.

Speaker 1 Like,

Speaker 1 it's, I don't understand that city. No.
I get it, but it's one of those things when you get there, like, you need to have an immunity drink and all of of that. And

Speaker 1 stay away from Bourbon Street. 36 hours max.
Stay away from Bourbon Street. Bourbon Street is one of the grossest places.
It's frightening.

Speaker 1 But the street just south of it or whatever, towards the water, fantastic. That's where we got married on that street.
Fantastic. They got that antique gun store there.
Amazing. It's unreal.

Speaker 1 They'll have a gun from the War of 1812, even with the bayonet.

Speaker 1 And a finger still in there. And a finger's still in there.
You know, blood on the British guy's blood on the other end of it.

Speaker 1 All of that and like these great places to get like those beignets, what are they called? Yeah, beignets. Yeah, beignets.
Cafe Dumont. Yes, yes.

Speaker 1 All of that is fantastic. But the genius of New Orleans is they stick all of their fucking tourists, because everyone blames New Orleans.
It is New Orleans. It's the fucking tourist.
Yeah, of course.

Speaker 1 Dude, I've told this story before. I went there when I was doing the movie, and my wife came to town.

Speaker 1 And I had a day off. It's still when I drank.
So I had a few in me. And

Speaker 1 we were on this bar on Bourbon Street. It was like noon.
Sun's out and everything. Summertime.
It's hot. So the band was playing like Dixie Land, whatever the fuck they were playing.

Speaker 1 So I started dancing with my wife and she thought it was adorable, right, and everything. We're having a great time.

Speaker 1 And then we sit down and she's just feeling like, you know, I romanced her a little bit. You know, I had a little, you know,

Speaker 1 little

Speaker 1 sugar instead of relationship. She's a billy two-shoes.

Speaker 1 That's right. And she was having a great time.
And then we looked across the street.

Speaker 1 This fucking woman,

Speaker 1 just as we used to say, blowing chow, just puking like

Speaker 1 she was Coney Island hot doggy. I don't know what the fuck she tried.
And she was like,

Speaker 1 and she like puked. And then her friends were trying to help her.
And then somehow she slipped and fell in her own puke, ass first, sat down, and then she reached up with her puke hand.

Speaker 1 Oh, I get like...

Speaker 1 And the guy grabbed her and he was hammered. And then he

Speaker 1 pulled it down in it.

Speaker 1 And my wife was doing that. And I was fucking crying, laughing.
It was like that Monty Python skit. Give me another bucket.
I'm going to throw up. And dude, it was like 12.30 in the afternoon.

Speaker 1 Yeah, there are no Quitters down there. There's no Quitters down there.
God, I almost gag telling that fucking story. There was a woman at one of my shows at the Mohegan Sun.
At least you think so.

Speaker 1 You never know now. She, well, I think so.
She was right up front. She had one of those.
I just get back from Istanbul. You have no idea.
It feels like it. Yeah.
She had one of those Istanbul.

Speaker 1 Is that where Tan Bull? That's where everybody goes. Everybody goes for hair plugs, get their teeth done.
For some reason, out of the, like, did. Are you going to Istanbul for medical?

Speaker 1 I got to be honest with you. Somebody, I was on Instagram, and there was like a fucking

Speaker 1 there was this video of this guy got his hair done over there. Joey Fatone went there to get his hair done.
Well, I got this guy, he showed it like three months afterwards.

Speaker 1 I said, dude, that looks like it's from the fucking 90s. That does not look, it didn't look good.

Speaker 1 Did you ever play, did you ever play

Speaker 1 Sanford and Suns in Kansas City with

Speaker 1 Stanford? Stanford and Sons. Sons.
Oh, yeah. Did you play that with Glazer and that dude who sometimes wore his wig backwards and shit? Remember that guy who ran that club?

Speaker 1 When I was there, one of them was in jail. Yes.
And the other guy, and then we came through with the rich bitch. So those guys were like sinister.

Speaker 1 They were, but his wig was always different depending on what time of the day. Are they still alive or no? No, he passed away like three years ago.
They're both dead, right?

Speaker 1 All three of them are dead. Okay.
The dad's the only one still.

Speaker 1 Yeah, they were. They were such fucking lunatic gangsters, drug dealers that I...

Speaker 1 But that's old school comedy club owner.

Speaker 1 To be dealing drugs, too. I don't know about that.

Speaker 1 Old school was you had a mob connection. If you wanted drugs, they could get you.

Speaker 1 I missed that starting in the early 90s, but there was another guy who was still around, and he had, like, everybody makes fun of his wig, and I had no idea it was a fucking wig. And

Speaker 1 now I look at it.

Speaker 1 I'm not going to say the name. I'm a fucking, you know, as a bald guy.
I can't be fucking out in people. What about that dude who used to run that club in Arizona?

Speaker 1 Dan Murray? Dan Murray. Yeah, he's gone.
He passed away. A lunatic.
All right, that wasn't a wig, though. No, that wasn't a wig.
He was just a fucking lunatic.

Speaker 1 But that old school comedy club owner was a different breed. They're not around.
That was the improv in Tempe, Arizona.

Speaker 1 David Spade shot a special there, and I just saw that black and white tile and all of that, and I was just like, That to me, like all the kids now want to play arenas because it's so blown up.

Speaker 1 When I was coming up, like that was like, oh my God, I can't believe

Speaker 1 will I ever play there. And the first time I played there, I opened for Dave Attell, and I remember he was selling the place out.

Speaker 1 And I was like, I was already in awe of Dave, but seeing that he sold that place out and that he went up there and not only didn't change his act, like, okay, I'm in Tempe.

Speaker 1 I'm not at the cellar doing the 12 o'clock spot. Like, he went even harder.
And

Speaker 1 one of my favorite things about that weekend was there was a lot of people that were brought to the show not knowing who he was, like discovering who he was,

Speaker 1 and people just like that. And then by the end, the amount of people he had like leaning over, just dying, laughing.
If you took the money out of it, what's your favorite size place to play?

Speaker 1 Well,

Speaker 1 probably like a 1500-seater. But like, what's funny is those things are the money.
Like, you'll make more money. Like, what people don't understand, okay, do you play those bits?

Speaker 1 You play Madison Square Garden you play Fenway Park you have to rent it

Speaker 1 You don't just show up and they're like all right Hey, and all the money lands on you No dude, it's just chomp chomp chomp chomp like I made I made more money

Speaker 1 You know doing like two shows across the street in in Newark at I forget the name of the theater than I made doing doing

Speaker 1 Madison Square Garden. I made more money doing four shows at a theater in Arizona than I did doing Fenway Park.
Dude, you have to pay. Like they're fucking the overhead.

Speaker 1 That's why when you go to see these big bands and they're playing in these big places, that's one of the reasons why it's so much fucking money because they're paying to rent a fucking baseball stadium every night.

Speaker 1 And they got to pay all their crew. They got to pay all the...
That's one thing Keeper Guy used to say. They're just fucking air and fucking shit's flipping around.
Yeah, it's nuts.

Speaker 1 I hadn't thought of that. Yeah, so, but if you just go like lean and mean,

Speaker 1 Right, and you do if you can do a theater, if you can do two shows in one night because you only pay to rent it for one night, that's then you can make some fucking money.

Speaker 1 Oh, and because and it's a better experience for like fans. I think so.

Speaker 1 I think comedy, although I will, I will say the way that they have it down now with the sound and like you know, the screens, like they all feel like comedy clubs to me.

Speaker 1 But, like, I remember like when I saw the Stones and The Who at Sullivan Stadium back in the day, I mean, Daltry and Pete Townsend were like this big.

Speaker 1 And now you would, you can see them, so it's like you get to listen in the band, like the sound, you know, the mix and everything is

Speaker 1 incredible. Like, I saw Billy Joel and Stevie Nicks at SoFi Stadium.
It was fucking amazing. When did you see that? When was that? Uh,

Speaker 1 last year. How is Billy Joel now? He's fucking unbelievable, dude.
The guy comes out and he's dressed like he forgot he had a family event.

Speaker 1 You know, he's just wearing this, and then he throws like a blue sport coat on. And, you know, he's got like his sleeve showing, like, not even a long sleeve underneath.
And he comes out.

Speaker 1 He's just been doing it so fucking long. I remember he comes out out and it's just, everything's a number one hit.
It's two hours of hits, right? Yeah. It's like I saw Elton John in Vegas.

Speaker 1 It was just no opener. I'm just going to play three hours of number one hits.
This is what he does. So I was like, I got to see both of these guys.
So he goes out. He does like four or five songs.

Speaker 1 And that place is like 60,000 people, even if you don't have the field. So he has the field too.
And he just sort of leaned, you know, after four or five in everybody's charity. He just goes,

Speaker 1 it's a big fucking place. Yeah.
I mean, that's how chill he was. That's how chill he was.
And his band were, Stevie Nicks, all they were, they were fucking amazing.

Speaker 1 They've been playing places that big

Speaker 1 for almost 50 years, dude. In the history of tickets, I bet you this, well, who knows? Maybe the Dead.
I wonder if The Dead has sold more tickets than The Stones.

Speaker 1 Well, they kind of never got off the road, did they? Right.

Speaker 1 And they probably played way more shows than the Stones.

Speaker 1 But I wonder if the Dead have sold the most tickets in the history of the show. All right, dude, I want people to watch your special.
Sorry, you're just going way, way down. Sorry, sorry.

Speaker 1 I wonder if the.

Speaker 1 I do love. But but I do love it.
Do you think Tony Orlando sold more tickets than

Speaker 1 Captain and Tenniel? Captain and Tennille, I don't think, sold a whole lot of tickets. I loved Captain and Teneal, and I saw Tony Orlando open for fucking

Speaker 1 rickles. Don't tell me you love Captain and Tennille.
Oh, yeah.

Speaker 1 That is not. Well, I had a crush on her in her fucking Dorothy Hamill haircut.
All right, that's it. All right, we got to wrap this up.

Speaker 1 The great Josh Wolf, dude, I'm so psyched. He finally got this guy.
He's one of my favorite people in the business. He's a Boston guy via fucking Seattle.
What's up? FourStoriesComedy.com.

Speaker 3 Check it out.

Speaker 1 He's doing something different. He actually gave a shit.
He shot the thing beautifully.

Speaker 1 I'm very proud of you, buddy. Thanks for you.
Appreciate you. All right.
Thank you guys for listening. Have a great weekend, you cons

Speaker 1 giving up for Chicago.

Speaker 2 Sebastian Meniscalco's new stand-up special, It Ain't Right, is coming to Hulu on November 21st.

Speaker 1 30 years ago, Jeff Bezos, complete nerd. Bezos now ripped to shreds on his super yacht, and the boxes keep coming.

Speaker 2 Sebastian Maniscalco, It Ain't Right, premieres November 21st, streaming on Hulu and Hulu on Disney Plus for bundle subscribers. Terms apply.

Speaker 1 Hey, what's going on?

Speaker 3 It's Bill Burr, and it's time for the Monday morning podcast for Monday, October 10th, 2016.

Speaker 1 Jesus Christ.

Speaker 3 Holy shit.

Speaker 3 Fall on the fucking ball.

Speaker 3 That's what, who else yelled at near Knoxville, Tennessee, when that running back fumbled the ball and your quarterback is trying to, God bless him, is trying to pick the ball up.

Speaker 1 Why won't they fall on the fucking ball?

Speaker 3 Everybody's just like, oh, I can pick it up and then run with it.

Speaker 1 Just fall on the fucking thing.

Speaker 3 It's the shape of the fucking ball too. Even if you fall on it, it somehow fucking squirts out.

Speaker 3 Oh, you die a thousand deaths there's three i was there's three things that have probably brought me closer as far as sports goes just generally speaking week after week like a bad cigarette or drinking fucking problem right the three fucking plays that get me i don't know what gets you i don't pretend to know who you are and i would never speak for you however i am willing to share

Speaker 3 with you oh what the fuck did i just do there it is sorry yeah i swear to god i can't get this fucking thing to do anything but if i brush up against anything, the whole fucking screen disappears.

Speaker 3 You know, like people who suck at playing video games, you know what I mean?

Speaker 3 If you're playing like one of those fight games, the other guy's kicking your ass, you just start fucking hitting a million of them, and all of a sudden, like, these clouds start forming around your guy, and he does a little fucking,

Speaker 3 I don't know, spinning back fist with his foot, whatever the fuck that's called, right?

Speaker 3 Um, that's what happens to me with computers, and that

Speaker 3 you never know how you just did it.

Speaker 1 Everybody was like, oh shit, what the fuck is that?

Speaker 3 I don't, I don't know. So anyways, the three things, how's this for controlling my ADD? I'm going to stick with this here.
The three, going to get back to it.

Speaker 3 The three fucking things that just make me die a thousand deaths is deaths plural.

Speaker 1 Yes.

Speaker 3 Is

Speaker 3 because 1,000 is more than one. Stay on target, Bill.
Stay focused. Is not falling on a fumble.

Speaker 3 Dropping, you know. catching a fucking ball, running to the end zone, returning a punt, returning a kickoff, running with the fucking, running backs rarely do this.

Speaker 3 It's always fucking receivers and people who return kicks. I think they're called kick returners.

Speaker 3 For whatever fucking reasons, reason, I don't understand why these motherfuckers, they get right to the goal line and then they boop, they just drop it right on the half-yard line as if they bet the under.

Speaker 3 That kills me.

Speaker 3 Like how many, like, you would think like the first time you saw somebody do that, you'd be like, oh my god, I'm never fucking, that's not going to be me.

Speaker 3 I'm going to run to the back of the fucking end zone then i'll fucking spike it i'll drop it i'll do my little fucking moon walk whatever the fuck it is all right the freckled fandango whatever my end zone dance would be called i don't even know what fandango means i just know it's an old kevin costa movie um

Speaker 3 that and then finally

Speaker 3 my favorite in yours the prevent defense

Speaker 3 The fucking pre, we'll give away the middle and we'll give them a fucking 30-yard cushion and rather than them scoring on us on one play, they'll score in five plays.

Speaker 3 But the amount of clock that they're going to eat up versus the points that they're going to score is slowly going to kill everybody in our fucking fan base. You know what I mean?

Speaker 3 It's really hard to tell.

Speaker 3 Fucking voice. It's really hard to tell that I'm not through puberty yet.
It's really hard to tell, like, truly, who is a great.

Speaker 3 quarterback in the final two minutes of the game ever since the pre-vent defense because I think back in the day I mean I know that they didn't want you to get behind them.

Speaker 3 They must have done some early version of it, but there was like a few guys that would go down the field.

Speaker 3 You know, your Roger Starbacks, your Terry Bradshaws, Kent Stabler, you know, but everybody else. I mean, there was like three or four guys that could do it.

Speaker 3 And now it's just everybody in the league, because they're just going to,

Speaker 3 I swear to you, you could put, you could put, I'm going to go a little mic and mic here.

Speaker 1 I'll tell you right now, you could put me under center during the pre-vent defense.

Speaker 3 I could definitely, I could complete a fucking pass as long as they didn't know that it was me,

Speaker 3 that that was not a professional quarterback, that this is actually a podcaster slash comedian slash crafter of shit jokes.

Speaker 3 You know, then of course they just play defense, you know, they'd blitz or whatever the fuck they would do. But if they gave me the respect of an NFL quarterback,

Speaker 3 I could dump it off. That shouldn't happen.
on any fucking level. So whatever.
I was watching that

Speaker 3 the Tennessee Texas A ⁇ M game. What a fucking game.
You know, I want to say that Tennessee shot themselves in the foot with their 58 fucking turnovers, but you got to give it up to Texas.

Speaker 3 I mean, they just kept making them happen. You know, I mean, I want to think that somebody on the coaching staff or the volunteers said, hey, guys,

Speaker 3 let's say we protect the football. What's say the next time we gain 80 yards on one fucking play in this team, we tuck the thing away.

Speaker 3 You know, put two hands on the fucking ball.

Speaker 3 I know that they were saying that.

Speaker 3 Yet the turnovers just kept coming. You know, it was just, I don't know.
It was fucking an amazing game. And I have to tell you,

Speaker 3 coming from a professional sports city,

Speaker 3 you know, the safe suburbs, as I always say, ever since Goodwill Hunting, everybody thinks you grew up in Southeast, you stole cars, you're good at math, and you like apples. That's not me.

Speaker 3 That's not the guy I am. I grew up in the safe suburbs.
There was street hockey.

Speaker 3 There was little league baseball. We had a great place to get ice cream, you know.

Speaker 3 Not saying that there weren't fucking maniacs, you know, that later got into fight and accidentally bit people's ears off because they were biting on the ear and the guy would go to push them away and the part of the ear would come off.

Speaker 3 I'm not saying that people like that did not come from my town. I'm just saying more so than not, people did not bite other people's ears off.

Speaker 3 Now, you're getting towards the, you know, downtown area, like the, you know, who knows what the fuck would happen.

Speaker 1 All right?

Speaker 3 That's all I'm saying. Anyways, let me get back to this shit.
So

Speaker 3 coming from

Speaker 3 the safe suburbs of

Speaker 3 a major fucking city that's a professional sports city,

Speaker 3 I can't believe that I haven't watched Called Football.

Speaker 1 Like

Speaker 3 I've been watching it since 2007, so I'm almost a decade in, but the years that I lost, it's a fucking travesty. I'd watch it a little bit, but I have to be honest with you.

Speaker 3 If you watch SEC football, if you watch the Vern Lundquist Gary Danielson, if you just watch that game every week, okay, which is usually a fucking SEC game, you watch an SEC football game.

Speaker 3 I'm telling you, the NFL

Speaker 3 in this time, this particular time, cannot fuck with those games.

Speaker 3 They're unbelievable. They're just fucking...

Speaker 3 Even that last week, that was an ACC game. The Clemson Louisville game was fucking crazy.
I mean, it kind of helps this year.

Speaker 3 Somebody was bringing it up that everybody seems to be scoring 30 and 40 points.

Speaker 1 Speaking of which, what the fuck happened to the Oregon Ducks? Did like the whole school,

Speaker 3 did the whole team from last year just say, yeah, we all want to be eligible for the draft?

Speaker 1 I don't know what happened to them.

Speaker 3 What's going on with you, Cleo?

Speaker 3 You're all fucking itchy.

Speaker 3 All right, just lay down, buddy. Lay down.

Speaker 3 You don't know how to come up on the couch. You don't.
Your idea, you can't just have your part of the couch. You come up here and then you just, you fucking,

Speaker 3 you know,

Speaker 1 you're all over me.

Speaker 3 I understand it. I like it, but I got a podcast to, so go lay down, buddy.

Speaker 1 Go lay down, buddy. Go on.

Speaker 3 There you go.

Speaker 3 Anyway, so

Speaker 3 I ended up watching the Tennessee game

Speaker 3 at home in Los Angeles. Now, some of you, if you listen to this podcast, you're like, well, wait a minute, Bill.
How the fuck were you at home on Saturday?

Speaker 1 Say.

Speaker 3 As they say in the Boston area, why don't you come over on fucking Saturday?

Speaker 3 There's one little consonant in there.

Speaker 3 It's Saturday.

Speaker 3 Come on over on Saturday.

Speaker 3 He was supposed to be down in the swamp at the Florida LSU game, that fucking stadium. I've wanted to go there since Emmett Smith played there.

Speaker 3 I always loved the colors, the blue with the orange helmet. Emmett Smith was the shit.

Speaker 3 It just, I just, I've wanted to go there for fucking ever. They've always had great teams.

Speaker 3 Florida football has always been, it's just my whole, probably since my teens when Jimmy Johnson, how about them Cowboys came into fucking University of Miami?

Speaker 3 Then you had the other guy there at Florida State, Billy Bowden, whatever the fuck his name was, who couldn't, his field goal kickers were always wide left and wide right, you know.

Speaker 3 I've been wanting to go to that stadium forever, but of course the hurricane came in. And,

Speaker 3 you know, one of my buddies was saying, you know, early in that week, like, like, we get so fucking crazy excited because that's like, you got, and you got to have this as

Speaker 3 a guy when you get older. You have to have that thing that you do, the guys' weekend thing.
As fucking corny as they try to make it sound, as much as it sounds like a fucking beer commercial, like

Speaker 3 those are the things, and women should have them too. Whatever it is that they want to fucking go do.

Speaker 3 I know it involves wine, their own way of getting fucked up and everything, and they like, you know, food and all that shit.

Speaker 3 I like to stand out in a parking lot in the elements

Speaker 3 eating stuff that I don't really know what they put in it, like hot dogs and that type of shit. So anyways,

Speaker 3 we're getting so excited to go to this fucking game.

Speaker 3 My buddy got the tickets. Somebody else handled the fucking car service to get over there.
And I went out and

Speaker 3 I got the cigars. All right.
I came in there loaded for beer. I got a hookup.
I'm not going to say who, whatever, whatever. I had some fucking sticks.
All right. I had some fucking,

Speaker 3 just picture every fucking brand of Cuban cigar that you know, Cohibas,

Speaker 3 Pardigas, Partegas, however the fuck you say it, tomato, tomato, I had Monte Cristo's. I just, I had some fucking tremendous sticks.

Speaker 3 And I brought enough, there was five of us, I brought 15 Cuban cigars, right? We could each smoke one every fucking night, and each one was was going to get progressively more insane.

Speaker 3 Start with the mild one Thursday, go a little medium, and then the fucking, you know, we just, I don't know,

Speaker 3 we just fucking won a world war. That's the one you got to smoke on the game, on day game, right? So the beginning of the week, we're all fucking amped up.
We're texting each other and everything.

Speaker 3 And then my buddy, who lives on the East Coast, because everybody out on the West Coast, we don't pay attention to the East Coast. You fucking get up three hours before we do.

Speaker 3 By the time we have a cup of coffee, the day's half over. There's no point of even reading the newspaper.
Everything has already progressed like another 12 hours. So I didn't pay attention.

Speaker 3 My buddy texts me. He goes,

Speaker 3 There would have to be a fucking hurricane this weekend. And I was like, get the fuck out of here, right? And the game plan was we were flying into Atlanta.

Speaker 3 And like assholes, we booked our Atlanta, we were doing a gig, and then we were going to Gainesville to do the show. But like assholes, we didn't book hotels until the last second.

Speaker 3 And already 100,000 people coming in to see the fucking game, there was no hotels. So guess where we got our hotels? Take a wild guess, what Florida city

Speaker 3 we got our hotel rooms: Jacksonville, Florida.

Speaker 3 That's where we were going to go.

Speaker 3 So, we were going to fly down from Atlanta and then pick up a rental car, drive over to Gainesville, do the gig Friday night, drive back, drop off the rental car, go back to the hotel, smoke another stick, fucking jump in the car service, go over there and see fucking a legendary football program in the greatest conference that's out right now, the SEC, right?

Speaker 3 So I hear the hurricane's coming, so I go, all right, you know what? They're probably gonna cancel a bunch of flights. Fuck this.
So I get a rental car.

Speaker 3 I get a rental car. Oh, Cleo, please don't puke on the rug.

Speaker 3 Do you need to go outside, buddy?

Speaker 1 What are you doing?

Speaker 3 Huh? Was that just you? Was that me?

Speaker 1 That was you.

Speaker 3 You okay? Don't step in the recorder.

Speaker 4 Cleo.

Speaker 3 God damn it. Just sit down, dude.
Just sit down. Just sit down, please.
Can you please sit down? Sorry, guys.

Speaker 3 Anybody else's dog eat grass, even if they're not feeling well?

Speaker 3 Even if they're feeling well, they just fucking eat grass. Why do you do that, Cleo?

Speaker 3 Huh? Sometimes you just talk to them, they get so focused on you, and they put their ears up.

Speaker 1 No, no, go lay down. Go lay down.

Speaker 3 Do you need to go upstairs?

Speaker 1 You want to go see mommy? All right, hang on a second. Hang on a second.
All right, come here. Come here.

Speaker 1 Come on, go see mommy. Come on.

Speaker 1 Oh, that was a great move.

Speaker 1 Fuck, she didn't puke.

Speaker 3 Puked up something. Alright.

Speaker 1 There goes that sock.

Speaker 3 There goes that sock.

Speaker 1 All right.

Speaker 3 Anyway, so that was the game plan. So I was like, all right, so, you know, they're going to be overly cautious.
They're going to cancel the fucking flights. And baba ba ba ba.

Speaker 3 So we'll just fucking drive down.

Speaker 3 Well, everybody's leaving the hurricane. We're going going to fucking drive down the 75 South.

Speaker 3 Well, so we fucking land and they're supposed to make a decision Thursday at 1 o'clock and they don't make a decision. So me and Bartnick are in the fucking,

Speaker 3 are in the lobby and we're excited that they didn't make a decision. We're like, yeah, dude, come on, man.
This is fucking... This is the South.
They're playing this fucking game.

Speaker 3 They're playing the game.

Speaker 3 They don't want to cancel this fucking game and have to fucking refund 100,000 tickets or try to figure out when to reschedule. They're fucking playing it.

Speaker 3 And we got excited and we we had hope and then the whole fucking thing it it you know it went up to a category four and it all fucking went to went to shit but i gotta tell you actually if i was even trying

Speaker 3 to drive down to the south like they evacuated so many people smartly by the way i mean only three people died in a category four well you know down in haiti like you know a couple hundred they said even more died uh granted we're first world we have better structures and that type of shit.

Speaker 3 But, you know, back in the day, I mean, that would have been us. Like, I was thinking about that.
Back in the day, like,

Speaker 3 you know, when you didn't know a hurricane was coming. I mean, you saw like signs, but like, by then, you only had like six hours to try to get the fuck out of there.
What am I trying to say?

Speaker 3 Long story short

Speaker 3 is even if we tried to drive south, they just completely closed off the southbound 75 at some point, and it was just like all of Florida driving up. So it didn't work out.

Speaker 3 So then we were like, okay, how do we save this weekend? Because my buddy, the one who told us about the fucking hurricane, he had not even left yet. So he's at home with his wife and his kids.

Speaker 3 He's a total family man. And once a year, he goes out, you know, has some beer, smokes a stick.
It's just, you know, and he goes, this is the one weekend where his kids didn't have any sports.

Speaker 1 All right?

Speaker 3 We got to make it happen for this guy. So we start looking around.
Where the fuck can we go?

Speaker 3 The Georgia Bulldogs home? No, they're in South Carolina. South Carolina is three and a half hours away.
Let's fucking drive to that one. And then we find out it got fucking moved to Sunday.
Fuck.

Speaker 3 Can't go to that game. What else do we got? UNC.
I just went to UNC. I don't want to watch them play Notre Dame.
Notre Dame Stinks. Or is that NC State? NC State was playing them.

Speaker 3 I was like, look, dude, I'm not driving into the fucking Carolinas. The goddamn, the fucking storm is coming up that way.
All right, what about Tennessee? Let's go to the volunteers. Fuck it.

Speaker 1 We'll do it live, right? Let's go to where we're all fucking. We're in a panic.

Speaker 3 Who's Tennessee playing? Texas AM. The Yankees.
Great fucking game. Where are they playing? College Station.

Speaker 1 Fuck. All right.

Speaker 3 Who's next? Who's next? Alabama.

Speaker 1 Alabama.

Speaker 1 The dream ends tonight.

Speaker 3 Where are they playing? Who are they playing? Where are they? They play in Arkansas. Where are they playing? In Arkansas.

Speaker 1 Fuck. All right.
Auburn. Auburn.
War Eagle. War Eagle.

Speaker 3 Who do they got? Who do they got? Mississippi State? Mississippi State. Where are they playing?

Speaker 1 Auburn? Mississippi State. Shit!

Speaker 3 All right, it was just fucking the three three of us standing at this fucking

Speaker 3 over this sports page trying to salvage this fucking weekend. Looking, everybody was away.

Speaker 3 The only way to get to any of the games that we wanted to go to that weren't in the path of the fucking hurricane was that we were going to have to fucking, you know, we were like, Clemson, what about Clemson?

Speaker 3 They're playing BC. Ah, they're going to kill him.
Where are they playing? Boston College?

Speaker 1 Shit! Right? Over and over and over, right?

Speaker 3 So the only way we're going to get to him is if we fucking,

Speaker 3 you know i don't know if we jumped on a plane and i was already not working the next night so we're just going to hang in atlanta and then jump on a plane it just it got to be too fucking crazy but for half a second we did consider um

Speaker 3 we did consider the the uh alabama arkansas game but uh so it didn't end up happening but um

Speaker 3 you know what the fuck are you gonna do it was still it was still great that you know what was cool when i got home i got to chill with my wife and i got to watch all those great games and I didn't have to be in the path of a fucking hurricane.

Speaker 3 I wasn't another asshole that the poor fire department had to try to fucking rescue because I didn't listen to their warnings. You know what I mean?

Speaker 3 And so, anyways,

Speaker 3 Jesus Christ, that storm is fucking nasty, man. My condolences to anybody down in the Jacksonville area.

Speaker 3 You know, I hope you made it out all right as far as, I mean, pretty much people made it out, but I hope your stuff

Speaker 3 is all right, because God knows those fucking insurance companies, you know,

Speaker 3 they're just oh, yeah, we don't cover that. You ever see that shit, that one that Spike Lee made about New Orleans? Where they're like, they just were looking at the waterline.

Speaker 3 We'll cover anything below the waterline, they're like, anything above it, it's your fault. It's just like, you motherfuckers, man.

Speaker 1 Like,

Speaker 3 like, what, what, what kind of people are you?

Speaker 3 You know,

Speaker 1 I don't know.

Speaker 3 Anyway, sorry, can you tell I'm also typing in my password here? So, anyways, oh, I got some more iPhone stories for you.

Speaker 3 All right, I got time for a quick iPhone story. So, I got the iPhone 7 now, all right?

Speaker 3 And I want to thank everybody who tried to help me out with even the condescending ones or this new generation people who are saying they were cringing.

Speaker 3 Me and my boy, I had a tweet.

Speaker 3 My boyfriend works at the Apple Store, or and I work at the Apple Store, too, and we both cringing as we were listening to you talk about, like, why, why are you cringing for, I wouldn't cringe for you.

Speaker 3 Like, if if I watched you two geniuses try to change a fucking tire or drive a stick shift, as they say you millennials can't do, if that's the truth, I wouldn't cringe.

Speaker 3 I'd try to teach you how to do it.

Speaker 3 Cringing, I felt so bad. I was so awkward.

Speaker 3 I really think this whole generation, the reason why they're always using that term awkward is because they were so sheltered that I don't think that they kind of

Speaker 3 work shit out amongst themselves as kids the way we did. Now, granted, my generation was too far the other way.
They didn't know what the fuck we were doing.

Speaker 3 And I think with millennials, there was an overcorrection. I think this next generation, they're going to get it right.
It's like, you know, you can't have them fucking joining, you know,

Speaker 3 those groups where there's all these pedophiles. You know, you know what they are.
I am not going to say M1 rhymes with the

Speaker 3 rubs louts.

Speaker 3 The rub shouts.

Speaker 3 You also don't want to, They're very young. It's probably not good to have them take a ha-I can't even say it right.

Speaker 3 A Harate class.

Speaker 3 You know, shit like that.

Speaker 3 The kinds of places.

Speaker 3 And then you can just say church groups. Church groups are another big one.
You just can't have them fucking, you know.

Speaker 3 But you have to let them play outside. You got to let them solve shit, you know, interact with each other and shit like that.
Like, you know what I mean?

Speaker 3 Like, I think we went too far the other fucking direction. And I can say that having never had a child.

Speaker 3 So, anyways,

Speaker 3 somebody told me that, you know, when I sat there and I counted all my contacts, I didn't realize, and this is all shit.

Speaker 3 You guys can laugh at me about, but I know there's a lot of you, especially in my generation, do not know this. If you scroll down to the end of your contacts, it'll tell you how many you have.

Speaker 1 I was off by one.

Speaker 3 I said 113. I had 114.
Who knew?

Speaker 1 Who the fuck knew?

Speaker 3 And by the way, if you didn't use the cloud, getting all your contacts back, not a big deal. Not a big deal.
It's just as you need the person's number, you're like, fuck, I don't have the number.

Speaker 3 Who do I know that knows him? You just, you know, by then you have that person's number and you gradually put it all back together again. It's so, it wasn't as bad as I thought.

Speaker 3 And then somebody gave me a great suggestion saying, well, there's these places you can go to that they can retrieve lost

Speaker 3 data or whatever the fuck, whatever the computer term is that so I might try that with my phone I have not turned it on since then I'm gonna try sometime like Tuesday morning hopefully I can turn it on and grab a couple

Speaker 3 because you know the guy used to work on my truck he moved to Arizona and

Speaker 3 he recommended this great place here in California to tune it up and all that type of shit and I lost his fucking number and because he's a crazy car guy like his website still has like a fucking California number so I should probably just give it a try.

Speaker 3 But anyways, anyways, so I had to get the iPhone 7 because

Speaker 3 I fucked up my phone. I got it all wet and shit.
And

Speaker 3 so now this one's waterproof. So they have this little fucking umbilical cord off of it.
And I was sitting there going, there's no fucking way I'm not going to lose this thing.

Speaker 3 I have to be in my best behavior with this. So I was literally carrying that little cord around.

Speaker 3 in the iPhone box with me while I was on the road because I was too paranoid to even leave it into the phone because I was afraid I'd go to put it in my pocket, it'd pop out, out. I wouldn't know.

Speaker 3 I don't know what.

Speaker 3 So

Speaker 3 I somehow make it across this country and back. I still have it.

Speaker 3 I went back to my house to use my gym, you know, I said, finishing up the fucking kitchen, you know.

Speaker 3 And I had it there.

Speaker 3 And I went to grab a few things. And

Speaker 3 I don't know. I got back to the place that I'm renting and it was just gone.

Speaker 3 It was gone. And I started to have a meltdown and I was just like, this drives your wife nuts.
Don't do it. Don't fucking do it.
And I tore apart everything, couldn't find it in the house.

Speaker 3 I drove back to my place. I couldn't find it there.
And I just said, fuck this. And I drove over to the Apple store.
And somewhere over there, I just got into this fucking Zen place.

Speaker 3 I was like, dude, this is 100% your fault. It's not Steve Jobs' fault.
It's your fault. You should have just left the fucking thing in your phone.

Speaker 3 I'm sure you can pick up the phone and fucking shake it.

Speaker 3 And I'm sure nothing, you know, I'm sure it probably doesn't even come out because I probably already knew that that was going to be a fucking concern. So I drive over there.

Speaker 3 You know, I pull in. I just said, fuck it.

Speaker 3 I valet my old Prius, dirty as shit right now because I still have to get the dents taken out from that fucking Road Rage cunt slammed into the person, two people behind me.

Speaker 3 So I just got that thing. It's got dents.
I'm going to get pulled out while I get it washed. So it's really looking bad.

Speaker 3 So I pull in and the valet place at the mall, they go like, yeah, what's your phone number? And I'm just like, yeah, none of your business. I go, I don't give out my phone number.

Speaker 3 That's what I used to say. Now I just go, I don't have a phone because they're just going to call you.

Speaker 3 And it's just, they're just, all of those things, by the way, all of those phone numbers and all of that shit, I'm telling you, all gets bundled and it gets, it gets sold. There was a lobby.

Speaker 3 There was something, the lobby, there was something, something going on in Washington with what they were saying, what I was saying much more intelligently and written down on paper,

Speaker 3 saying that you ought to get a piece of it. Somebody's going to sell your information.

Speaker 1 Shouldn't you get a cut? Right?

Speaker 3 10%?

Speaker 1 Something?

Speaker 3 I'm sure that got shot down. But anyways, so I just pull up and I just say, yeah, I don't have a cell phone.
So then they just take your name down. And there's always ways to get around it.

Speaker 3 You just say, yeah, no, I can't do that, right? So I go into the Apple store and I walk up to one of the geniuses and I said, yeah, hey, I need the little fucking umbilical cord.

Speaker 3 And they say that right there over there on the wall. And I just walked up and I grabbed five of them.

Speaker 3 Okay, I grabbed five of them and I grabbed this other cord where it was for you know where you can plug it into your phone and someone else can also also plug their headphones in while you plug your headphones in and you can both listen to the same song.

Speaker 3 And I did that because whenever I'm on a plane, he's always like, listen to this song. Isn't this a great song? And I was just like, I'll get that one for her, right?

Speaker 3 So I walk up to one of the dudes with the fucking iPad and I just say, yeah, hey, I want to fucking

Speaker 3 buy these, right? So they're all looking at me like, what the fuck, right?

Speaker 3 Why do you have so many? It was two geniuses and one of the one of the people who was just trying to buy some shit there.

Speaker 3 And one of them finally goes to me and goes, I got to ask you, how come you're buying five of these? And I was like,

Speaker 3 because I know what kind of a moron I am.

Speaker 3 And the dude was like, what? I go, everybody's a moron, so you got to include me. So you got to figure out what kind of moron you are.

Speaker 3 So I'm the kind of moron that's going to lose at least four of these in a year. So I'm getting five.
And they all fucking laughed.

Speaker 3 And I joked or I somehow was able to joke my way through the whole fucking experience. I kept it light and I didn't lose my shit.

Speaker 3 Oh, except when I got into it with that one guy.

Speaker 3 I forgot when I was driving back. This guy came barreling up the street and I live on a street where it's one of those streets where it's like it should be one way, but it's two way.

Speaker 3 And he came flying up and I was rushing over. So I just had to slam on the brakes.
I just kind of gestured like, really, dude, and I back up and then he pulls up alongside me.

Speaker 3 He's a big fucking Jaguar. And he goes, he goes, yes, is there a problem? I go, I go, yeah.
I try to stay calm. I go, yeah, man.

Speaker 3 I go, you're driving too fast through the neighborhood here, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. He goes, I go, I go, you know, it's a one-way street.
He goes, it isn't a one-way street.

Speaker 3 I go, yeah, but with the cars parked, you know, you know, I go, you're coming through here like 30, 40 miles an hour. He goes, this car won't go 40, which I don't even know what that means.

Speaker 3 Won't go 40 on this street. I have no idea.
I was just like, dude, there's kids on this street. And then I lied.
I go, dude, I have a kid. Just trying to make my argument better.

Speaker 3 He goes, I got three kids. And he holds up the fingers too.
Like,

Speaker 3 all right.

Speaker 3 And then he just said something.

Speaker 1 He goes, now do you feel stupid?

Speaker 1 That's what he said to me.

Speaker 1 He goes, now do you feel stupid? And I so, I wish I could go back to that moment and just say to him, like, dude, I always feel stupid.

Speaker 3 But this has nothing to do with that. Dude, you're driving like a fucking maniac.
You got three kids. Yeah, I bet they don't live on this street, you cunt.

Speaker 3 And I was trying, I was trying, because I've done this before with people on that street. I just speak in a slow tone.
I'm just going, dude, I got kids.

Speaker 3 You know, I just lie and I say, I got kids, plural. Just totally lie out my ass.

Speaker 3 The reality is, I don't want to have a head-on collision with somebody.

Speaker 3 So,

Speaker 3 you know, last couple of times I did it, even like the young punk kids and shit, you know, with the fucking hats that match their fucking shoelaces, even then, they feel like, all right, all right, cool, all right, sorry.

Speaker 1 You're like, yeah, cool, no problem, you know.

Speaker 3 And this guy just wasn't avid. He just goes, now do you feel stupid? And then I just, once he said that,

Speaker 3 you know, go fuck yourself.

Speaker 1 And we both

Speaker 1 drove away.

Speaker 1 So that did happen on the way over there.

Speaker 3 So anyway, so I go to buy all of these fucking things and I'm making fun of myself. Because guys, I'm really trying not, I mean, it's funny when I do it on stage.

Speaker 3 It's not funny when I do it in real life or around the house. I'm really trying to work on my temper.

Speaker 3 So I was making fun of myself going, yeah, I'm the kind of fucking moron that's going to lose four of these in a year, so I'm buying five. So they all laugh.
And the guy's like, all right.

Speaker 3 And I go, what's that going to be? Like $7,000? And he said, no, it was like $75 or something.

Speaker 3 These little ass fucking wires, five of them, like 25 a whack or 20 a whack whatever the fuck it was but plus i had the other thing so i go to open my wallet to take out my credit card and what is sitting in the fold of my wallet is the fucking attachment i couldn't find i must have put it in the same pocket and i just laughed i go see right here look at this there it is now now i got six i'm a fucking moron they were just all laughing it made me feel good

Speaker 3 Even though they were laughing at me, it just made me feel better that,

Speaker 3 you know,

Speaker 1 I don't know.

Speaker 3 I gotta be, I gotta learn how to fucking do that, man, because I am, uh,

Speaker 3 I am a lot, you know, I'm funny on a podcast. I'm funny for an hour, but after that, dude, I can be a lot to live with.
So, anyways, I'm working on myself.

Speaker 3 I'm actually considering going to speak to somebody.

Speaker 3 And,

Speaker 3 you know, because I swear to God, like, I have two things I want to do.

Speaker 3 I want to just actually sit down and maybe read some instructions on my iPhone and actually make it something that I can use and computers, actually maybe learn about them rather than screaming to anyone who listen about robots and being microchipped, you know?

Speaker 3 And then also I would like to,

Speaker 3 if I could just have the same sense of humor I have about big shit.

Speaker 3 When big shit happens, I do not flip out. Little shit happens, like I lost a fucking little cord on my phone.
I fucking lose my shit. So if I can just somehow,

Speaker 3 you know, not lose my shit in the car and the technology thing, those are my two biggest fucking goals. If I could just laugh my way through that shit, I would be, I'd be a much better person.

Speaker 3 I think I'd be a lot easier to deal with, you know?

Speaker 1 Um,

Speaker 3 and I'll just go after it the way I go after other shit. I've never really tried to fucking

Speaker 3 like full-on try to fix my temper the way I try to lose weight, work out, play drums, or whatever. By the way, dude, I am in a fucking Iron Maiden rabbit hole right now.
Clive Burr,

Speaker 3 the whole fucking number of the beast album. It's just, I can't stop listening to it.
That and peace of mind.

Speaker 3 Nico McBrain, I am fucking,

Speaker 1 yeah,

Speaker 3 that's where I'm at right now.

Speaker 3 But anyways, let me read a little bit of advertising here.

Speaker 3 Speaking of which, has anybody watched Luke Cage yet?

Speaker 3 I love that I brought that fucking dude up a long time ago on this podcast, man.

Speaker 3 That was one of my favorite comic books was the Spider-Man and Power Man one, where it was about the NYPF fire department.

Speaker 3 A buddy of mine actually ordered it on eBay and got it for me, man. I hadn't seen that since like 1978 or 80 when it came out.
And I watched the first episode. I liked it.

Speaker 3 They did the usual shit that they do with superheroes. Like, you know, we just sit there, like, will you fuck this chick already?

Speaker 3 Why are you letting this guy slap you in the head? They always have him do that shit before they just fucking, you know, throw somebody through a wall. I watched that.
And I also watched

Speaker 3 Westworld, which you want to hear something hilarious. I loved that movie when I was a kid.
I loved Euel Brenner was huge. I mean, nobody said draw like him when you draw.

Speaker 3 He did this fucking, he just had the best voice ever. Badass with the fucking shaved head and all that shit.

Speaker 3 I love that movie to the point, I remember like 15 years ago, not 15, it was probably like 10 years ago, I actually called my agent and I said, Hey,

Speaker 3 how much would it cost to buy the rights

Speaker 3 to Westworld? Because they just started redoing all these things. And I'm like, there's no fucking way you could make a killer movie out of that.
And of course, they came back.

Speaker 3 It's like, it's like $9 zillion dollars. I didn't realize it was a Michael Kreig

Speaker 3 book and all that shit. So I obviously didn't have the money.
And thank God I didn't have the fucking rights to it. Because I have to tell you, I watched the first episode.
of Westworld.

Speaker 3 They completely 100% took it to another fucking level, updated it. It's unbelievable.
I actually liked that pilot better than the Luke Cage one, slightly better.

Speaker 3 I thought the Luke Cage one was the shit. So now I got two new shows, bang, bang, to fucking watch.

Speaker 3 Definitely check those out.

Speaker 3 And if you want to laugh, by the way, I ran into a buddy of mine, Willie Barcia, who I haven't seen in fucking forever. He's the real deal.

Speaker 3 He's a fucking hilarious comedian, and he has a stand-up special that he just put out. And I wanted to give him a shout-out if you get a chance to check him out.

Speaker 3 All right, let's get back to the advertising here. All right, Dollar Shave Club, everybody.

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Just pay shipping. That's after that.
It's only a few bucks. Join today.

Speaker 3 Go to dollarshapeclub.com/slash burr. That's dollarshapeclub.com slash burr.
And the next one is, how many more of these are there? I always try to break them up if there's a lot.

Speaker 3 Let's do three and two. All right.
Three against two here. All right.
Blue apron, everybody. No, not all.
Not all ingredients are created equal.

Speaker 3 This is like reverse JFK.

Speaker 3 Fresh, high-quality ingredients ingredients make a real difference. So it's important to know where your food comes from.
Talk about your personal experience with Blue Apron.

Speaker 3 The meal you cooked, the ingredients overall, how it tasted, how

Speaker 3 it felt cooking it, etc. Well, I haven't used it yet, but it sounds amazing.
How about that? That's my experience.

Speaker 3 I made a potato pancake for the first time today, gave it to my wife, put a little salmon on it with some fucking, what's that white shit, sour cream and a little bit of dill on top.

Speaker 1 All right.

Speaker 3 Couple eggs over easy.

Speaker 3 Couple eggs over eash. And I gave it to her and I actually walked out of the room because I knew I had to make my eggs.

Speaker 3 Because how do you make four fucking eggs over easy with the standard frying pan? You can't do it. Somebody has to suffer.

Speaker 3 So I came walking in afterwards and I tried a little potato pancake because I got that taste pretty good. And you know what my wife said? She said that was better than the one that I had at brunch.

Speaker 1 Bam!

Speaker 3 Okay, and I'm going to tell you right now, when you start making meals like that for your lady,

Speaker 3 everything else goes to the next level. All right? I wish that there was a blue apron when I was a kid.

Speaker 3 Christ, we had to grow our own fucking potatoes. These people are going to bring them right to your goddamn door for less than 10 bucks per meal.

Speaker 3 Blue Apron delivers seasonal recipes along with pre-portioned ingredients to make delicious home-cooked meals. What sucks the most when you're fucking making a meal?

Speaker 3 It's taking out the little fucking measuring cup and the little fucking teaspoon.

Speaker 1 Was it a teaspoon or was it a tablespoon? Fuck!

Speaker 3 They eliminate all of that. Blue Apron knows that when you cook with incredible ingredients, you make incredible meals.

Speaker 3 So they set the highest quality standards for their community of artisanal suppliers, family-run farms, fisheries, and ranches.

Speaker 3 Whether it's Japanese ramen noodles, wild-caught Alaskan salmon, or heirloom tomatoes, Blue Apron is bringing you the best. Customize your recipes each week based on your preferences.

Speaker 3 Dude, this is a great fucking way to get in shape, too. You don't have to go to the grocery store.
You're eating well.

Speaker 3 You'd be making the ladies fucking like you. Or the fellas.
Way to his heart, right, ladies? You know? Not trying to be misogynistic.

Speaker 1 Not saying that a woman should actually go out and maybe cook her man man a meal every fucking leap year.

Speaker 3 Choose delivery options to find your needs. There's no weekly commitment, so you only get deliveries when you want them.

Speaker 3 Each meal comes with a step-by-step, easy-to-follow recipe card and pre-portioned ingredients and can be prepared in 40 minutes or less. That's the shit.

Speaker 3 Check this week's menu out

Speaker 3 and get your first three meals for free. With shipping, with free shipping, go to blueapron.com slash burr.
I always picture you guys squinting as you try to hear me read this.

Speaker 3 Come on, Bill, get through one sentence without stuttering. You will love how good it feels and tastes to create incredible home-cooked meals with Blue Apron, so don't wait.

Speaker 3 That's blueapron.com slash burr. Blue Apron, a better way to cook.
All right, and then we just got two more. I'll read those later.

Speaker 3 Is that my?

Speaker 3 Is something done? Are the cookies done? What's going on here?

Speaker 3 By the way,

Speaker 3 what was I going to say? I weighed myself today. I'm in the buck 70s, which is perfect.
Get myself. I want to be 172 I think I'm gonna come in about 175 but that's fine

Speaker 3 all right that is gonna be fine tipping the scales at 175 as long as I got that seven is the second number uh I'll be all right you know but I'll tell you my walk around weights about 210

Speaker 3 210 if I could eat and drink the way that I wanted to

Speaker 3 by the way guess what came the other day guess what came I ordered it back in June. My Jaguar came.
I fucking picked it up today.

Speaker 3 I can't, I'd like the Catholic guilt that I fucking had that actually went out and fucking,

Speaker 3 you know, did this, but it wore off the second I got behind the fucking thing. I came walking into the showroom, dude.
I ordered the color, everything

Speaker 3 underrated,

Speaker 3 under fucking rated, ordering a car.

Speaker 3 You just go to the website, everything that you want, you just fucking order it. It's like blue apron, except it's a fucking car, right? Everything is perfect.
This fucking car, oh my God, it's it's

Speaker 3 it's fucking insane.

Speaker 3 I'll post, I'm ain't gonna post a picture. I don't wanna post a picture because no one has this color out here.

Speaker 3 I'll be like that chick driving around that pink cattle fucking Corvette out here.

Speaker 1 But

Speaker 3 even Nia, because she's all like, you know, you know women, dude, like when a guy gets excited about some stuff,

Speaker 3 I swear to God, it's like you're looking at another woman. They always gotta fucking take you down.

Speaker 3 It's kind of cute and kind of annoying, you know, but i'm mostly annoying and way less cute so i let you know whatever and uh so i come walking in they got the whole they they actually backed it into the showroom and they put a car cover over the fucking thing right

Speaker 3 and they fucking did the unveiling they took it off to it it's just fucking it's the fucking i don't give a shit it's the british racing green with the black rims black grille i got that that the fucking

Speaker 3 I had the analog gauges. I didn't get all-wheel drive because I wanted the rear end to kick out a little bit.
I got the rear wheel, 390 fucking horses.

Speaker 3 I'm going to take it over to Galpin to get a new exhaust system on it. Cause right now it's very, very refined sound.
I like a little more of a growl in it. It's, it's, dude, it is the fucking shit.

Speaker 3 It's like, what if Steve McQueen drove a fucking,

Speaker 3 what if Steve McQueen drove a Jaguar and had two kids?

Speaker 1 Because it is a four-door.

Speaker 3 Let's not get crazy, Bill.

Speaker 1 Let's not get crazy.

Speaker 3 Dude, it is, it's fucking awesome.

Speaker 3 And I love it because everybody out here that has a four-door sedan either has a Mercedes, a BMW, an Audi, and then to a lesser case, a Lexus, but that's more of a younger person's car, I feel.

Speaker 3 Those cars are all fucking great. And a lot of ways, like, those have kind of become the muscle cars of today of the four-door sedans, which is perfect.
You can actually put somebody in it.

Speaker 3 It's like an adult person's car.

Speaker 1 Oh, my God.

Speaker 3 Like, I absolutely love with this car. So

Speaker 3 it was fucking hilarious. And I got the the price I wanted, everything.
So then, of course,

Speaker 3 dude, I just did, I did everything right. I got these, the floor mats are,

Speaker 3 they're not like the carpeted ones that after a while they start wearing out and everything. I ordered these, these, like these rubber fucking mats that look like the shit.
They say Jaguar on them.

Speaker 3 And they actually, they're a little bit different color black than the carpet. So they kind of pop a little bit.
I mean, the car is the fucking shit.

Speaker 3 And it's going to kill me the first time somebody opens a door into it.

Speaker 3 But I always just think of the way Steve McQueen drove that car and bullet, the way those good old boys drove that fucking 69, what is it, Challenger?

Speaker 3 They fucking broke one of those every week. Fuck it.
You're supposed to drive it. I remember fast and loud one time, they bought a Ferrari, like F40, and the whole frame had been bent and all that.

Speaker 3 And they saw it and they were all laughing. They were just going like, you know what, dude? If you buy a car like this, at some point, it should look like this.

Speaker 3 Obviously, you shouldn't crack up your car, but

Speaker 3 they're meant to be driven. But

Speaker 3 i don't know i can't believe that i have that that nice of a car so i want to thank stop before i keep fucking gloating about the car thank you to everybody if you ever came out to one of my shows um and watched my shit and told people about it because uh you know

Speaker 3 uh yeah i wouldn't have that car if you didn't so thank you and um i'm actually gonna miss the prius though I'm actually selling it to a friend of mine. So it's getting a good home.

Speaker 3 And I got to tell you, underrated, the fucking Toyota Prius. I had nine years, 85,000 miles on the fucking thing.
I changed the oil. I did everything on it.
It's a fucking

Speaker 3 that thing will go for 200,000 miles easy if the next person changes the oil and all the lubricants and all that type of shit. Just regular maintenance and all that type of stuff.

Speaker 3 But they're just fucking great cars. And you know what? I also found with the Prius, dude.

Speaker 3 When people, all my friends found out that I was getting a new car, I had like half a dozen people going, dude, what are you doing with the Prius? I'll buy it off you.

Speaker 3 All these comics are loving it because it has good gas mileage. They actually have a decent resale value.
So the amount of shit that those cars get, man, they're kind of a good investment.

Speaker 3 They're fucking cheap. They're cheap on gas.
Like I know the whole fucking time, every time the gas went up and went fucking crazy, I never paid more than like

Speaker 3 between 35 and 38 bucks is the most I ever paid. And the rest of the time, it was about $27 to fill the fucking tank.

Speaker 3 And

Speaker 3 when it would drop really low, like when we would start producing oil and then Saudi, the Saudis would be like, oh, fuck, let's put them out of business.

Speaker 3 And then they would overproduce, you know, all the fuel and all that type of shit. And then it would just plummet.
I mean,

Speaker 3 there were days I filled that car up for like 18 or 19 bucks. So

Speaker 3 I will definitely, I'll definitely miss that thing. But this thing is just, oh, it's just fucking, it's a beautiful car.
Red calipers.

Speaker 3 All right, let's, let's, let's plow ahead here.

Speaker 3 I have yet to watch the Japanese Formula One. I feel like I got you guys all excited who are into that type of racing

Speaker 3 or into racing, I guess you should say. And I've just, I've dropped the ball on

Speaker 3 Singapore, Malaysia, and now Japan. It's just because this fucking house I'm renting, this guy has like cable from like the fucking 1800s.
And

Speaker 3 I got all the races taped. I've watched Singapore.
I haven't watched Malaysia yet, where Lewis Hamilton was going to win the race. And then for whatever reason, his engine just fucking blew up.

Speaker 3 I have no idea who won the Japanese one. I haven't gone on the internet.
I'm not looking at my Twitter feed. I'm going to watch that tomorrow.

Speaker 3 And me and Nia actually knew a couple people that were over in Japan and I was, you know,

Speaker 3 they're having a baby or something. So they're doing a baby moon, which I guess is people before they have a baby, they go some fucking place.
And,

Speaker 3 you know, they're in Japan. So I was saying to Nia, it's hilarious.
Typical guy shit. This is typical guy women shit.
Like I say, oh, fuck, they're in Japan. Well, well, text so-and-so.

Speaker 3 Let him know that the Formula One race is there tomorrow, man, and that he should go.

Speaker 3 And then my wife's just like, immediately, just looking at like a chick, like, yeah, she's not going to want to do that. And I'm thinking, like, yeah, but he would.

Speaker 3 Fucking guy's like into motorcycles and cars and off-road. Why the fuck wouldn't you want to dude? Go to a Formula One race in Asia? Are you fucking kidding me?

Speaker 3 I'm telling you,

Speaker 3 even if you're not into that shit, you got to watch the Singapore. The Singapore

Speaker 3 race was fucking incredible.

Speaker 3 Like, they do it at night, and then after when the city's beautiful, right?

Speaker 3 Granted, you're not allowed to do anything. And one of the guys spit gum on the street and they fucking detained him for six hours.

Speaker 3 I think they were just showing off because when I was there, I was like, I heard if you spit gum on the street, you get arrested. They go, nah, they'll give you a fine.

Speaker 3 It's not like that. Or maybe they were soft pedaling at the hotel so you wouldn't be afraid to go out and go spend some money.
I have no idea.

Speaker 3 But all I know is this one of the fucking guys from either Ferrari or Mercedes or somebody spit some gum out. They fucking detained him for six hours.

Speaker 3 But anyways, they ran it at night

Speaker 3 and that city is gorgeous at night. It's beautiful.
And then when,

Speaker 1 who won that one? Nico.

Speaker 3 When Nico Rossberg won that race, they just shoot off all of these fireworks, man, and they go all the fuck out.

Speaker 3 And

Speaker 3 so I've yet to see the

Speaker 3 Malaysia one, so I'm going to watch that and the Japanese one tomorrow if I have the time.

Speaker 1 All right.

Speaker 3 What else? What else did I want to talk about? What else was a big, oh, you know what I started to watch?

Speaker 3 I started to watch, before I came down, I'm taping this,

Speaker 3 taping this Sunday night. I started to watch the Trump-Hillary debate.
I mean, I just still cannot fucking believe these are our two choices. And,

Speaker 3 dude, Trump, I got to give it up to Trump, dude. That guy's one-liners.
Just for a politician. Jesus Christ, he's fucking...

Speaker 3 He kills. The guy fucking kills.
He's great on his feet.

Speaker 3 He'd make a terrible president. He's got no idea what the fuck he's doing or what he's even talking about.

Speaker 1 It's just like the dope versus the devil.

Speaker 3 You know, and I know everybody, oh, that old fucking,

Speaker 3 you know, that shit that he said, I just go up and grab him by the pussy. I mean, nobody just does that.

Speaker 3 I felt bad for Billy Bush. You know, he was just sitting there.
He's like, he's sitting there, some fucking unknown, 2005.

Speaker 1 You know, he's still kind of unknown, you know?

Speaker 3 Billy Bush, I'm going to talk about people who are in movies.

Speaker 1 He's not in a movie, you know? He's a talking head.

Speaker 3 Cut the guy a little slack. He's sitting there with the Don.
The Dawn's talking shit. He's talking about women, you know, as guys do.
I just walk right up and I kiss him.

Speaker 3 I grab him right by the pussy. You know, Billy's just like, this is Donald Trump.

Speaker 3 You know, you get caught up in the fame.

Speaker 1 Oh, yeah, yeah, grab by the pussy.

Speaker 1 He just went along with it.

Speaker 3 You know, stay strong, Billy Bush. You You shouldn't have deleted your fucking Twitter account, man.
You should have hung in there. Fuck these people.

Speaker 3 They just, they get mad for like three fucking days. You know what I mean?

Speaker 3 It's unfucking believe. He's going to get more shit for that than fucking Hillary is going to get for the goddamn, you know,

Speaker 3 classified fucking emails.

Speaker 3 Classified information through her own fucking email. And just somehow that all goes under the right.
I cannot stand. I can tell when Hillary's lying too.

Speaker 3 That smile she does, you can see it in her eyes when she's lying. Trump is like, I

Speaker 3 just don't he's like a fucking cartoon character like Alec Baldwin as Trump is more believable than Trump as Trump that's how fucking nuts this guy is so

Speaker 3 I started to watch it oh man Trump had some funny ones he said to Hillary he said if I was running this country you'd be in jail

Speaker 3 you know what's funny To really see how hard Donald Trump goes, there's a clip. I don't know if you can still find it.

Speaker 3 The first time Donald Trump was on Letterman, and he and Rosie O'Donnell had said something about him, and he went off on Rosie O'Donnell. And he goes, Well, you know, she's a degenerate.

Speaker 3 And like, it was just so over the top. Letterman was laughing, just going, Donald, you just can't go around saying that about people.

Speaker 3 And he's just like, Yeah, no, it's true. She's overweight.
He just fucking, like,

Speaker 3 just no filter,

Speaker 3 just went right after him. And he hasn't changed at all since he's become a politician.
Having said that, like, I, you know,

Speaker 3 doesn't mean he's going to make a good president. He's just,

Speaker 3 you know,

Speaker 3 I can't get past how many overtly racist people love the guy. And that's always a major red flag.
You know what the fuck it is with this fucking election?

Speaker 3 It's like you either got the guy that's going to rally up the fucking neo-Nazis, the guy that rallies up the white guys that think that there's something being taken away from them, you know, or you got Hillary, you know, but he's actually, you know, or you got Hillary who's actually gonna,

Speaker 3 she's gonna be in bed with the corporate cunts up at the fuck. It's like a lose-lose.

Speaker 3 Either you got somebody like rallying up this fucking cesspool of people at the bottom as far as mental, I'm not talking financially, mentally speaking, or you got Hillary who's just, you know, she's gonna give them their wars, she's gonna let the fucking robots be made and all that shit, you know,

Speaker 1 I don't know.

Speaker 3 I don't know what that, oh my God, it's just fucking, it's, and her fucking pantsuits. That's the only thing I like about her.
I love the pantsuit.

Speaker 3 If I was a chick, I would wear fucking pantsuits. I mean, you got to go with it.
At some point, as a woman, you reach your pantsuit age and you just got to give into it. That's like a man.

Speaker 3 At some point, you got to stop wearing your tag tops and you got to put on a sport coat.

Speaker 1 All right?

Speaker 3 Try to keep the carbs low. Do the best you can.
You know, at some point, you just get to that fucking age.

Speaker 3 So I know a a lot of you are like, why didn't you bring up the Tom Brady's back and all that type of shit? Because you know what? We played the Cleveland Browns.

Speaker 3 No disrespect, but the Cleveland Browns are where they're at. And congratulations to the fucking Indians.
You guys looking like you're kicking our ass. We're down 0-2.

Speaker 3 I watched like Perdroya's first at-bat, and the plane landed, so I missed all of that game. I'm missing every fucking game because this guy doesn't have a god.

Speaker 3 I mean, this is when I come in with my brand new Red Sox hat.

Speaker 3 But I do know the Blue Jays were up two games to none. I don't know what's going on with that series right now.
They were up three to two the last I saw in game three. But Tom Brady's back.

Speaker 3 Gronkowski's back. We won.

Speaker 3 Buffalo's on a tear. They're looking good.

Speaker 3 I don't know.

Speaker 3 It was just great to see Brady back.

Speaker 3 It's unbelievable. That whole fucking thing,

Speaker 3 I'm telling you, I give it 20 years. And NFL films, when they look back on it, be like, do you think that was fair?

Speaker 3 Do you think it was fair that one of the greatest players in the history of the game had his entire fucking integrity questioned by one of the biggest scumbags to ever own a fucking team?

Speaker 3 Who basically hired a guy

Speaker 3 for an in-house investigation? I mean, I still cannot, I cannot fucking wait for that. How old will I be? 68.

Speaker 3 All right, Tom Brady will be 58. All right, 60 minutes, everybody.
All right. Hey, Bill,

Speaker 3 I saw your tweet about 60 minutes

Speaker 3 about the talking robot piece. Yeah, Charlie Rose was sitting there talking to this artificial intelligent robot that really moved bad.
Speaking of fucking Westworld, right?

Speaker 3 And he asked the robot what its goals were. First of all, that a robot would have goals, like a person, okay? And the robot said,

Speaker 3 my goal is to one day be smarter than human beings. So I tweeted, you know,

Speaker 3 I basically tweeted, please unplug that fucking thing. All right, so he goes,

Speaker 3 I come somewhere between unplug it and ah, fuck it.

Speaker 3 It seems like everyone knows the machines will be our doom, but I feel like everyone involved and even everyone else just looking on has a, but will they take over type of curiosity?

Speaker 3 My question, I don't know what you meant by all that. My question to you is that if in 10 years the robots are filling in as clerks at stores or working the lobby of hotels?

Speaker 3 Would you be comfortable as a customer in those locations?

Speaker 3 Also, I highly recommend the new Westworld remake on HBO. Yes, I thought that was Netflix.
My fault, HBO. It's totally up your alley, and I'm sure you remember the original with good old Yule Brenner.

Speaker 3 How funny is that? Yeah, you hit the nail on the head. I already talked about it.
I loved it.

Speaker 3 This is what I think. I actually think that

Speaker 3 those

Speaker 3 robots will make human beings obsolete. I know that sounds fucking crazy, but they will, okay?

Speaker 3 And

Speaker 3 they don't have to sleep, they don't have to fucking do anything, they'll outwork us and all that type of shit, and they're going to act like then we finally get to sit around and chill out, right?

Speaker 3 Like that was, that was the big promise of all of this technology that was going to be coming out in the future.

Speaker 3 I mean, there's always technology, but the newer technology, the technology of the future. You know, the three-day workweek.
They used to make fun of that on the Jetsons.

Speaker 3 Ah, these three-day workweeks are brutal. People are working more than they have ever worked in their fucking lives in this race to, I don't even know what the fuck.

Speaker 1 Why the fan?

Speaker 3 Can somebody please tell me what the fuck we need robots for?

Speaker 3 What do we need any of this shit for? You know what I mean? Like, I feel like somewhere in like the mid-90s, like, that was good. We advanced enough with cars.

Speaker 1 Travel.

Speaker 3 We advanced enough with medicine and that type of shit. I mean, basically from 1995 on, if you're fucking dying, then I mean,

Speaker 3 I mean, I don't know, the amount of shit that you could sidestep, tuberculosis, polio, all of these fucking things,

Speaker 3 all those plagues from back in the day, they were all gone. I mean, something,

Speaker 3 I don't know, it's hard when it's somebody you know and love, or obviously if it's fucking you, but like,

Speaker 3 I don't know. I think the population, I've always talked about it.
I always, it's a major fucking problem, and I don't know how they go, like,

Speaker 3 I just feel like those things will come along, and they'll just be like, Well, you have those things that don't need to, they don't need a flat-screen TV, they don't need any of that type of shit, they can do the work of 10 people,

Speaker 3 or let's say they can do the work of four people, then there's three extra people out there, isn't there? Or there's four extra people out there. Let's fucking cut this thing down by 25%.

Speaker 3 I mean, there's already too many fucking people walking around. You're gonna have a bunch of robots walking around too.
At some point, something's got to give.

Speaker 3 All right, and I can guarantee you one thing: robots are never forming a union, all right?

Speaker 3 they're not gonna so

Speaker 3 i think they'll be smart enough to to not get them to do that but the greed of going after the dollar and making one that's just a little bit better just a little bit better like these fucking iphones i think we could get ourselves into a tough situation and um

Speaker 3 here's the question i have uh

Speaker 3 if you kill a robot in the future Like, is that going to be considered property damage? At what point will that actually be considered murder one

Speaker 3 or murder two or robot slaughter? They'll have to have all these new laws. You know what I mean?

Speaker 3 Like, what if they make them like what they're trying to do? Like, they're probably trying to make them fuckable at some point, like that fucking movie I saw, like, a year ago. You know?

Speaker 3 What if you go out and you fuck somebody else's robot, you know?

Speaker 3 Like, hey, that's my robot. You just came in my fucking robot.
What the fuck?

Speaker 3 Even though it's self-cleaning and all that shit, I can't fucking do that, right?

Speaker 3 You're just really opening up a fucking can of worms there.

Speaker 3 All right, clown sightings.

Speaker 3 Oh shit, Nia's calling me. My episode of The Simpsons is on tonight.
Is it on? What are you doing? I'm doing the podcast. I know.
You're supposed to be done. It's on in like a minute.

Speaker 3 Well, I can hit pause.

Speaker 1 Well, hurry up. Hey, come here.

Speaker 3 Put your eyebrows down.

Speaker 1 You're like, what are you doing?

Speaker 3 I don't want to miss it. Hey, how nice is my car?

Speaker 1 It's very nice. It's it's awesome.

Speaker 3 I thought you were gonna go harder than that. I'm gonna say it was like gorgeous.
All right, how good was the potato pancake? That was delicious, it was better than the restaurant.

Speaker 3 Is it me, or do you guys just have like a distinct lack of fucking passion? This is totally you. Like, this is what I want you to do.
This is what I want you to do now.

Speaker 3 For the love of God, go fucking do it.

Speaker 1 And I'm sitting here like a little six-year-old. Mommy, look what I can do.

Speaker 3 All right, just hit pause. I'll be up there in a second.
I can't hit pause.

Speaker 1 There's no TVR.

Speaker 1 Oh, all right.

Speaker 3 I know this guy's fucking

Speaker 3 depression error fucking

Speaker 3 cable. All right, I'm just going to hit pause here and then we'll come back and finish this.

Speaker 3 All right, you know, and after all that, it wasn't even on.

Speaker 3 She fucking went off on how great the potato pancake was. She thought the car was gorgeous.
You see how they do you see what they do? You see what they do?

Speaker 3 All of a sudden, I'm fucking bragging a little bit. Ah,

Speaker 3 all goes out they're always trying to fuck you knock knock you down a little bit all right here we go clown sightings

Speaker 3 you're listening to one right now all right clown sightings dear freckles

Speaker 3 have you heard about this clown hysteria sorry have you heard about this clown hysteria

Speaker 3 um freaks are dressing up as creepy clowns and going out in public trying to scare people I've seen those.

Speaker 3 Just search creepy clown sightings as a bunch of shit and a bunch of shit pops up uh other people are now starting to go out to go clown hunting and beating the shit out of clowns that they see in public

Speaker 3 now how the fuck do you go about doing that isn't it there's like nine people in the country that have done that

Speaker 3 let's go out clown hunting like like where do clowns hang out Do they have a natural habitat? Is there a bush you can go to? The clown bush, shake it a little bit, throw some rocks into it?

Speaker 3 Anyways, my question is, one of,

Speaker 3 is if one of these clowns charged at you,

Speaker 3 what would you do? Do you think it would be legal to run over/slash beat the shit out of the fuckers, or should you let the misfit go without harming him? Thanks and go fuck yourself.

Speaker 3 I think at this point I've seen enough of those videos that somebody, if one of them came running at me with like dragging the body and just so fucking over the top,

Speaker 3 I don't know. But you'd have to, just out of respect for yourself, yourself, your own safety, you'd have to fucking back up or run away.

Speaker 3 Yeah, I mean, if a guy came running at me, because with my luck, this would be the guy who isn't fucking around.

Speaker 1 I'd be like, yo, what's up, YouTube world star, whatever.

Speaker 3 Take a fucking axe to the head.

Speaker 3 But, you know, I don't think that you should go. I don't, like, clown hunting to me is hilarious.
Like, how the fuck would you even remotely begin to know where to look? You know what I mean?

Speaker 3 Like, there was that thing for a while where people were putting train horns in their vehicles, and those people

Speaker 3 should be prosecuted because, you know, my ears are fucked up from years of going to concerts and playing drums and shit. And, like, somebody did that one time when I went by.

Speaker 3 And, you know, it's funny watching people jump and shit, but like, it was close enough that it did even more damage to my left ear, which is fucked up.

Speaker 3 And it's like, that's something now that I have to live with because this person wanted to have a laugh. I mean, the ringing went away, but they definitely,

Speaker 3 when you do shit like that, I mean, you are kind of asking.

Speaker 3 You are asking for it. You shouldn't do it.
Like the other people, you shouldn't go beat the shit out of the person. They're just fucking around trying to make a funny video.

Speaker 3 I mean, you really have to go beat the fuck out of them.

Speaker 3 But when you do scare somebody to that level,

Speaker 3 maybe that is a thing that

Speaker 3 you can kind of expect. I don't fucking, I don't know what the rules of clowning is.
All right, now she's teching me saying that it's starting. All right, hang on.
Stopping again.

Speaker 3 Every time I get momentum, you know, we get a fucking holding call and it just kills the drive.

Speaker 3 All right, I'm back again. Guess what? It wasn't even the episode.
It was the wrong episode. It was a pre-episode to the episode that they're going to show that I'm on.

Speaker 1 All right.

Speaker 3 Anyways.

Speaker 1 All right.

Speaker 3 Waterproof electronics.

Speaker 3 Waterproof electronics. All right.

Speaker 3 Dear Billy, wet phone.

Speaker 3 Just to let you know, the waterproof or water resistance rating on electronics is bullshit. The same goes for watches and any other water-resistant item.

Speaker 3 Here's how they determine the water resistance. I mean, that makes sense.
I mean, you pour water onto anything, it's gonna gradually seep through, right?

Speaker 3 Although boats don't.

Speaker 3 That must have been the dumbest I've ever sound.

Speaker 1 Boats do okay.

Speaker 3 They stick the phone in water in a water-filled tank and then increase the pressure until the phone has problems. The water in the tank is perfectly still and the pressure

Speaker 3 stimulates the depth below sea level.

Speaker 3 It's a bullshit test because the water you drop your phone into is probably splashing all about and your phone is going to move in the water as it sinks.

Speaker 3 If you don't drop your phone into an ocean or a river, you might drop it into the kitchen full of detergent or some other situation that isn't perfectly still water pressurized under test conditions.

Speaker 3 It's another marketing trick, which technically legally correct for the fine print, but is bullshit for the day-to-day life.

Speaker 3 I don't know.

Speaker 3 It's got to be better than the shit that isn't waterproof where you just fucking sneeze on it and doesn't work.

Speaker 3 I know my watch, I kept wearing it while I was doing catio, and all of a sudden it was fucked up, and it was just because it was on my wrist. I'm just sweating every day.
It got wet.

Speaker 3 I don't fucking know. I have no idea.
It's probably all bullshit. I know when, like, when they do miles, you know, how much a car gets miles per gallon.

Speaker 3 They drive it like one mile an hour with no headwind for most of the fucking test.

Speaker 3 Clear, what is going on with you, buddy? What is going on with you? Go lay down. Jesus Christ.

Speaker 3 Are you allergic to the rug? Every time you come down here, you start flipping out.

Speaker 1 All right.

Speaker 3 Let me do these last couple of reads and then I can finish with the questions here. Sorry for the whole fucking pause pause and then going this week.
All right, MVMT watches, everybody.

Speaker 3 Pronounced movement.

Speaker 3 Oh, that's what I'm supposed to say. All right, Movement Watches, everybody, was founded on the belief that style shouldn't break the bank.

Speaker 3 The watchmaker's

Speaker 3 goal is to change the way consumers think about fashion by offering high-quality, minimalist products at revolutionary prices.

Speaker 3 With over 500,000 watches sold to customers in 160-plus countries around the world, Movement Watches has solidified itself as the world's fastest-growing watch company.

Speaker 3 Podcast/slash radio evergreen copy.

Speaker 3 Why would you tell me that? What's the difference between this and what you'd say on television, I guess?

Speaker 3 The company started by two broke college kids that wanted to wear stylish watches, but they couldn't afford them.

Speaker 3 So they started their own company. That sentence never makes sense to me.
They're two broke college kids. They can't afford a watch, a stylish watch, so they start a company.

Speaker 3 I can't afford a G5 jet. I think I'll start a jet company.

Speaker 3 How is this like how you started, built a following, launched into podcasts, YouTube, radio, et cetera? I'm not supposed to be reading this shit.

Speaker 3 Oh, I'm supposed to be like, oh, these guys remind me of

Speaker 1 how I did it.

Speaker 3 Movement Watches started. I don't know where I am in this copy right now.
This is a shit show. Movement Watches start at just $95 at a department store.

Speaker 3 You're looking at $400 to $500.

Speaker 3 Movement figured out that by selling online, they were able to cut out the middleman and retail markup, providing the best possible price. All right, we're making sense again.

Speaker 3 Over 500,000 watches sold over 160 countries. Good for you.
Get 15% off today with free shipping and free returns. Go by going to movementwatches.com/slash burr.
That's M-V-M-T watches.com/slash burr.

Speaker 3 This watch has a really clean design. Seriously, you're going to love it.
If you put it on, you're going to get compliments. Now's the time to step up your watch game without breaking the bank.

Speaker 3 Go to mvmtwatches.com slash burr.

Speaker 3 It's fucking hilarious, right?

Speaker 3 I want a purebred dog. I can't afford one.
So I started purebreeding dogs. That's not even a good example.
I wouldn't even know how you'd fucking do that.

Speaker 3 I wanted my own island, but I couldn't afford one. So I bought islands.

Speaker 3 I started a company that made islands. Bill, we get it.
All right. All right.
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Speaker 1 Like next weekend,

Speaker 3 Saturday through fucking Wednesday in Washington, D.C., I'll have a poster. The tune-up, the tune-up for my special.

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Speaker 3 Go to stamps.com before you do anything else. You click on the microphone at the top of the homepage and type in Burr.
B-U-R-R, that's stamps.com. Enter Burr.

Speaker 3 There's no reason to keep going to the post office. All right.

Speaker 1 Okay.

Speaker 3 Let's get back to the fucking questions here.

Speaker 1 Let's see, where the hell was I?

Speaker 1 Okay, water.

Speaker 3 Dear Billy, wet phone.

Speaker 3 All right, we did that one. Okay.

Speaker 3 That's all you listening said. P.S.

Speaker 3 Keep a little black book full of your phone numbers from now on so that you never lose another contact. I'm actually doing that with a couple of little red books.
I couldn't find the black ones.

Speaker 3 All right. CEO.

Speaker 3 Hey, there, Billy Boss. If you could become CEO of any company for a couple of months, which company would it be and what would you try to change? Monsanto, and I'd stop poisoning the food.

Speaker 1 Oh, Anthony Monsanto, which is now owned by Bear.

Speaker 1 Bear doesn't care.

Speaker 3 Imagine you have a few months, so it's not like you get to get fired day one for joining Apple and changing the name to orange for selfish purposes.

Speaker 3 Also, you pick Apple and can also pick any other company you talk less about as well. Ha ha, thanks for everything.
I think I answered it.

Speaker 3 I think I also, my dyslexia kicked in, and none of those sentences made sense to anybody. Those last two ones.

Speaker 3 What did it say? Oh, who gives a shit? Yeah, that's what I would do.

Speaker 1 I would, I don't know.

Speaker 3 It would be nice if the way corporations were run, you know, at some point you made enough money and at some point you thought, well, hey, what would this be doing to the environment?

Speaker 3 What would this be? You know, I actually heard that they're lobbying. They got all these lobbies going on right now

Speaker 3 to

Speaker 3 make marijuana illegal again at the state level because allegedly

Speaker 3 prescriptions medication has dropped drastically

Speaker 3 in states where marijuana use is legal.

Speaker 3 And so they want to make it

Speaker 3 illegal again, evidently. My question is, well, why don't the big pharmaceutical companies just start making weed?

Speaker 3 You know, and phase out these other fucking pills. They're not working anyways.
You know, they don't work. You know all those fucking side effects.
I mean, it's fucking nuts.

Speaker 3 This is shit that you can take, literally, that's just for something like really basic.

Speaker 3 And if you get on it for a while, if you come off it, if you come off it too fast, there's the chance you might kill yourself. I mean, they never had stuff like that when I was a kid.

Speaker 3 You know?

Speaker 3 Somebody was all over the place. They were, they were fucking...

Speaker 3 They were called a spaz.

Speaker 3 The dude's a fucking spaz, man. He's all over the fucking place.
You know what I mean? I know that's a bad word in Scotland. My apologies, but that doesn't mean shit to us.

Speaker 3 You guys say cunt every other word.

Speaker 3 Yeah, I guess,

Speaker 1 I don't know.

Speaker 3 That's one of those super depressing kind of questions, because when you really think about it, there's really no fucking reason for our behavior towards one another. You know what I mean?

Speaker 3 And I don't know. I think it just comes down to this just really,

Speaker 3 you know, you know, remember when you watched like Planet of the apes it was like the chimps they were the fucking doctors then you had the orange ones they were the old ones and then you had the gorillas and they were like the fucking maniacs or whatever um which was sort of oddly racist they were the darkest of all the apes you know what i mean they were the worst and i guess what the chips were suddenly supposed to i guess the orange ones were supposed to be gingers and we were supposed to be the best of people i don't know you can you can always read into all of this shit but like

Speaker 3 I don't know.

Speaker 3 I think people are kind of like that. You know what I mean? You got fucking nice kind of, hey, man, you know, whatever you're fucking yapping, yeah.

Speaker 3 You know, and then you just got fucking complete psychos who will literally stab a baby in the head to get another inch forward. And I think those people really succeed in life.

Speaker 3 Like when you just don't give a shit about, you know, and I'm not saying I'm a fucking perfect person because I've done some horrific shit, but I'm just saying,

Speaker 3 you know,

Speaker 3 that's just the pain that I've caused on an individual level. Forget about if you're doing it at the fucking corporate level.

Speaker 3 I don't know. I just love those people who go, well, if I didn't do it, someone else would be doing it.

Speaker 3 That's That's usually a nice red flag that you're doing something fucked up. But

Speaker 3 I really think that we are,

Speaker 3 this is depressing. You might want to shut it off now.
I think we are,

Speaker 3 there's a flaw in our design and the way we are wired, it's inevitable that we're going to destroy ourselves.

Speaker 3 It's just,

Speaker 3 you know.

Speaker 3 And I really don't think that it's even necessary human thing. It would be like whatever the next thing on the food chain was.
If we weren't here, it would be taking too much.

Speaker 3 And in its own fucking way, it would be fucking up the balance of nature and all that type of shit. But

Speaker 3 I don't know if I 100% believe that, but I just look at it that way because then I don't, I can just, I can deal with some of the shit

Speaker 3 that I see. I do have to say, though, this presidential election and these two choices is one of the most depressing fucking things

Speaker 3 I've been around in a long fucking time. I can't believe,

Speaker 3 I just can't fucking believe it. It's a reality TV show star or the fucking devil.

Speaker 1 Oh, boy, oh, boy, oh, boy.

Speaker 3 All right, Halloween costume. Let's get off that topic.
Hey, Bill, when was the last time you dressed up for Halloween?

Speaker 3 Two years ago. I dressed up as John Bonham.

Speaker 3 If you had to go to one of these celebrity dress-up parties, like where Heidi Klum goes all out every year and shows up looking like an extra from the Tom Cruise movie Legend, what would you dress up as?

Speaker 3 When millions of women look at a U.S. weekly at the hair salon, who will they see Billy Redface dressed up as when they get to the celebrities wear stupid costumes, just like us

Speaker 3 section?

Speaker 3 Well, first of all, those are all the beautiful people, so I'm out. I'm not in that section, so I don't think they were.

Speaker 3 But let's just say all the beautiful people got hit by a truck and it got all the way down to I, you know,

Speaker 3 was in that thing.

Speaker 1 Let's see,

Speaker 3 I would probably, John Bonham, I've done that one enough.

Speaker 3 Who would I dress up as?

Speaker 3 Somebody like that's known but sort of obscure.

Speaker 3 Because you don't want to be like the 12th douche to show up, you know, dressed as like Donald Trump is going to be like everybody's doing that, or Hillary. You don't want to dress up as Steve Jobs.

Speaker 3 I still think he's fucking known well enough.

Speaker 3 You got to dress up like

Speaker 3 let's see here.

Speaker 3 Who'd be a good one? Who's a good fucking.

Speaker 3 They were the shh.

Speaker 3 You know what I mean? Like, if you were going to dress up like somebody in.

Speaker 3 You know what? You got me. This is so.
I would have to. This is something.
You just can't fucking pull this gem out.

Speaker 3 Like, you know what? Dressing up like the professor instead of Gilligan. It's basically that formula, but not that example.

Speaker 3 You know what I mean?

Speaker 3 Like, who the fuck lost the last presidential race?

Speaker 3 Obama ran against who?

Speaker 3 Was it McCain?

Speaker 3 I don't know, but Tina Faye did the fucking, the chick, she did that one to death.

Speaker 3 I don't know. You know something? Bill Belichick might be a good one.
For as well known as he is, I was out in here in L.A. and I just dressed like him.
I think people would love it.

Speaker 3 A hoodie with the fucking cutoff sleeves. You just have it up, you know?

Speaker 3 Maybe him.

Speaker 3 You know what? I would go Vince Lombardi. Maybe an old football coach.
Go out as Tom Landry, but I got to pick somebody with a fucking block head like mine.

Speaker 3 Something like that.

Speaker 3 Something along those lines. Rather than like the hacky ones.
You don't want to go out as fucking Chewbacca. Anything from Star Wars, any superhero.
I mean, that's just fucking lame.

Speaker 3 Trump, Hillary, that's fucking lame. Obama, if you're me, you're going to get in trouble for being in blackface.
So you got to to leave them alone.

Speaker 3 Shit.

Speaker 3 That's a good question. I'd go out as like Phil Rudd, drummer for ACDC.

Speaker 3 And people say, who are you? I'd say Phil Rudd. And people said, who's that? And I'd be like,

Speaker 3 you ought to be ashamed of yourself. And you just walk away.
So you get to have a cool costume and scold people. There's a way to go.

Speaker 3 You know?

Speaker 3 Pick somebody who people you feel should know, but they don't know.

Speaker 3 Addresses Clive Burr.

Speaker 3 I don't know. I don't know what the fuck I'm talking about anymore.
All right, that's the podcast for this week, everybody. I'm going to watch those Formula One races.

Speaker 3 I'm hoping the Red Sox can come back. I just want to be able to sit down and watch a fucking game.
I don't know anybody on the team. I know Pedroia, and I know Big Poppy.

Speaker 3 And when he leaves, I'm just going to know Pedroa.

Speaker 3 Plus this one Cleveland fan was like fucking talking shit to me. A buddy of mine.
He's going, look, oh, fucking, you know, Tito's playing a chess game with the fucking Red Sox.

Speaker 3 And I jokingly wrote back, like, you don't need to talk to me.

Speaker 3 You don't need to talk to a Red Sox fan about Tito playing chess. I saw him play chess a few times when he was here.
It just completely went over the guy's head. You know what I mean? I don't know.

Speaker 3 I'm just sitting there going, like, hey, man, you guys are looking pretty good. Nothing.

Speaker 1 Are bullpens dominating? We're fucking, we

Speaker 3 have a couple of injuries. And then, me, it's like, I hope you cunts don't win another one in 60 years.
I was fucking rooting for you.

Speaker 3 Ah, fuck. Do I have another phoner tomorrow?

Speaker 3 I have one phoner. This is when you call in.

Speaker 1 Oh, shit.

Speaker 3 I'll get up that early for these guys. Hey, I'm going to be on the sports junkies.
I love these guys. I haven't talked to these guys in fucking forever.
The sports junkies.

Speaker 3 I remember Lurch would always be fucking sitting there all splailed, like 6'10 guy.

Speaker 3 Always in sweatpants. I'm going to be calling in at 6.20 a.m., which is 9.20 Eastern Time.
Gonna be calling that. And it's to

Speaker 3 promote my shows at the National Theater October 15th through the 19th. 15th, 16th, 17, 18, 19.
Five nights running my fucking mouth, getting ready for my special.

Speaker 3 And then I do the special, and then my fucking year is basically over.

Speaker 3 I'm just going to edit the rest of fucking season two.

Speaker 3 I'm going to be doing Comics Come Home in Boston.

Speaker 3 And that's going to be about it. That's going to be about it.
All right. Well, that's the podcast for this week.
Once again, I really meant that about being able to buy that car.

Speaker 3 Thank you to everybody who came out to my shows throughout the fucking years. And

Speaker 3 that's it. Jacksonville, I hope you guys can dig yourselves out nice and quick.
I bet the weather's nice now, now that it's fucking over.

Speaker 3 And I hope the insurance companies don't fuck you too bad.

Speaker 3 But either way, when you can go back to that city again, when I get my next hour, I'm definitely going to come through because Jacksonville is always going to be on my tour schedule.

Speaker 3 I always have a good time when I run through there. And who's kidding who?

Speaker 3 I got to get back to Gainesville to make that up, which I think I might be doing in February because in February, I'm going to be going to the Daytona 500. I've always wanted to go to that thing.

Speaker 3 Way back since Rusty Wallace, Harry Gantt, Eric Waltrip, Kale Yarlborough, Bill Elliott, Rusty Wallace, right?

Speaker 3 Dale Earnark.

Speaker 3 Who else ran back then? Dick Trickle.

Speaker 1 All right.

Speaker 3 That's the podcast. Fuckos.
I will talk to you. I'll check check in on you on Thursday.

Speaker 3 I really had to try not to make a noise when I sat up there

Speaker 3 doing that shit. All right.

Speaker 1 What's up, everybody?

Speaker 4 And welcome back to the Anything Better podcast show, NFL Edition, going into week number six.

Speaker 4 Hope everybody's doing good in between shows. We are back this week.
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Speaker 5 yeah paule went three and one all his doubters all his doubters pauly oh you're on the hot seat and all that i've been telling you for years

Speaker 1 he's ice cold in september

Speaker 5 he catches fire he catches fire in october and here's what i got with you paule i'm wearing my glasses this whole episode you know why i can't see it paul I'm looking at the lines this week.

Speaker 5 I might as well be reading Chinese. I'd have a better chance picking a CFL game right now.
Who do you like, Paul? The Winnipeg Blue Bombers or the fucking BC Eagles?

Speaker 1 Dude, I don't even like.

Speaker 4 I don't think Vegas even knows, dude. This year is just,

Speaker 3 I gotta, I gotta thank,

Speaker 4 I gotta thank,

Speaker 4 I gotta thank the Anything Better fans, dude. I gotta thank everybody who watched my special, dude.
I put my special out my-Paul.

Speaker 1 Yeah, big week.

Speaker 4 I put my special out yesterday, a day. It's 24, it's a day old.
I put it out yesterday. I put my own money up for it.
Dude, over 200 comments came in. People saying

Speaker 4 best of his three. Somebody goes, I'm two minutes in and I just screamed in my living room, Verzi don't miss.
And they were like, nothing but net.

Speaker 4 They were saying 10 out of 10 classic. So I really, really appreciate it.

Speaker 5 Well, if you put that special out in September, it would have bombed.

Speaker 1 Verse 10. You missed Rectober.
You're the Mr. October.

Speaker 5 What a week you you had. You went three and one.

Speaker 5 The Yankees, big victory last night.

Speaker 1 Yep.

Speaker 5 Big victory, dude. I mean, fucking three takes it.
You got to, it's 1-1. You got to win last night.
They came back. They tied it up.
2-2. I was watching.
Paul, he's a pet peeve of mine.

Speaker 5 I don't like those guys, the hybrid pitchers. It's not overhand and it's not sidearmed.
I feel like those fucking guys, they're like cockeyed. They can't throw a strike.

Speaker 4 Yeah.

Speaker 5 I feel like you had one of those guys.

Speaker 5 This guy was half Dan Quisenberry last night.

Speaker 4 Yeah, I mean, dude, it's both New York teams. Both New York teams seem like they're good.
Imagine another Yankees and Mets, another Yankees message.

Speaker 5 The Mets will serve out the fucking Phillies.

Speaker 4 Yeah, well, the Mets on fire series, dude.

Speaker 1 Huh?

Speaker 4 The Mets are just really like caught. caught a nice fire at the right time.

Speaker 5 Yeah, you know what I like on Kansas City? I don't know his name. I love their catcher.
He just looks like a catcher, like an old school catcher, too.

Speaker 5 Not like Joe Girardi, who looked like a catcher because he was jacked. Yeah.
He just looks like, he looks like Roy Campanella or something like like on a classic baseball card.

Speaker 5 And he had that big single when they were trying to get the rally going. He hits after Bobby Witt Jr.
Dude, I love October baseball.

Speaker 1 Yeah.

Speaker 3 I love it.

Speaker 5 I don't know why people, and I get it because, you know, basketball, hockey, and all of that, it's really a fucking shame if baseball had any brains paul they would shorten their regular season 100 gotta be shorter they would get their playoffs out of the way before hockey and before the nba

Speaker 5 i mean marriages break up this time of year paul it's

Speaker 4 all four are going 162 games is way too it's like and that's why when you listen to sports talk and radio they're like what's happening to this team it's like what's happening to the team is they're five months into the season and people that's what's happening to the team.

Speaker 4 All right, let's get into these picks because we are both short on time. But thank you guys for watching the special reasonable man on my YouTube page.
I'm completely overwhelmed by the first day.

Speaker 1 Let's keep it coming.

Speaker 5 Let's shut it up, Paul, and do my podcast. We're going to blow you out.
Paul, this is what you guys don't know. Paulie is so close to making some fucking

Speaker 5 stupid money in this business. And he's going to come on here shirtless with the fur coat, challenging somebody.

Speaker 4 You know what I love?

Speaker 5 Paul Merzi with some money is going to be one of the funnest things i ever

Speaker 5 seen oh you know convertible you get divorced this

Speaker 4 paulet you like to spend you know what i like to spend you know what i knew that the special was doing way good was they were looking for things they were like this is hilarious but is the sound good like that's what i knew but one of my haters goes one of my haters goes you know paulie's starting to grow on me this is hilarious i was like all right let's go Let's go.

Speaker 5 Oh, my God. You even got the old man up in the balcony.

Speaker 4 My favorite one was, though, he hits a swish all that Verse, he hit nothing but net, and he never misses. But anyway, thank you.
And Bill, you helped.

Speaker 5 I'm so proud of you and I'm so fucking happy for you.

Speaker 1 It's about time.

Speaker 5 And you

Speaker 4 shared it. I really appreciate that.
Same thing with Demlis and everybody else. All right.
We're into week six. We're into week six.

Speaker 4 I saw these lines. Andrew, can you throw these lines up? Because this was.

Speaker 5 I know we're pressed for time, but we got to talk about how the Jets got rid of their coach. He doesn't even let them say goodbye.

Speaker 1 I mean, dude,

Speaker 5 I mean, that's like ghosting a chick. You know what I mean? Be a man, look her in the eye, and just say, look, I want to fuck somebody else.
I'm sorry. I just, you know, I didn't want to cheat on you.

Speaker 1 It's not you. It's me and my dick.
You know, it's

Speaker 4 walking into his car.

Speaker 4 Dude, walking him to his,

Speaker 4 walking him to his car?

Speaker 1 Like, he goes.

Speaker 4 Can I say goodbye to my guys? Nah, nah. I mean,

Speaker 4 I was joking. I just did Jim and Sam, and I was joking that they had his car started and warmed up for him when he walked out.

Speaker 5 Dude, you know how frustrating it must be to be a coach of a Jet and Jets and get walked out like that when they're acting like it's you.

Speaker 5 It's like, buddy, you haven't won since 1969. Don't fucking escort me out

Speaker 5 like you guys were over here winning championships.

Speaker 4 Blindside me like that. And then I can't say goodbye to the players that love me that I love.

Speaker 5 Dude, he's going to be sitting in a bar talking about that 20 years from now.

Speaker 5 I'm not saying he's not going to have other successes, but that's going to be the one, like that one chick who just fucking, you know, extra ripped your heart out. You never forget him.

Speaker 5 The Jets just did that. You know what?

Speaker 1 They got an enemy in that guy.

Speaker 4 Oh, dude. Tell me that guy is not going to get another job and mark the Jets on the calendar.
Although I don't think he was a great head coach. I think he's a great defensive coordinator.

Speaker 5 But Paul, can I ask you a question? How can you gauge anybody on the Jets?

Speaker 1 It's true.

Speaker 5 What's he got above him?

Speaker 1 Shit.

Speaker 5 What's he got below him?

Speaker 1 Yeah.

Speaker 5 You always make the wrong fucking choice. It's a shit sandwich, Paul.

Speaker 5 A shit sandwich. And

Speaker 5 he's the fucking baloney in the middle of it. And then they always fucking blame him.

Speaker 5 I think you're right about this. Take a head coaching job with the Jets.
You're basically, you might as well just send a fucking, you fill out a job application at ESPN to sit there.

Speaker 5 They all end up there.

Speaker 5 All the Jets.

Speaker 5 Herman Edwards, Rex Ryan, they just end up on TV wearing a suit.

Speaker 4 That's hysterical. Imagine it was like, he was like, all right, now where's the like as he's signing the contract for the Jets? He goes, yeah, it's the ESPN thing.
Dwight, should we just do that?

Speaker 5 That's how bad that job is.

Speaker 1 That's how bad that job is.

Speaker 5 They have to like give you the best job in football, which is just talking football.

Speaker 5 All of those fucking guys, Jimmy Johnson, once he starts talking football, it doesn't have to deal with the hot seat. He's like, fuck this.
I'm staying here.

Speaker 1 Once a week.

Speaker 5 What are they doing in Baltimore? All right, Jimmy. Here's your check.

Speaker 5 Go back to your boat. All right, let's get into the picks here, Paul.

Speaker 1 Who's going first?

Speaker 4 It's week six. So hold on a second.
You went, you went

Speaker 4 year one. I went year two.

Speaker 4 Oh, thank you. You went year one.
I went year two. you went year three

Speaker 4 oh no the week week three one

Speaker 4 so it's me so it's my it's my first it's it's i think it's my it's your month i mean what are we doing here you should be picking first of all month

Speaker 4 jake the snake can we get an injury report

Speaker 6 uh sure for which game

Speaker 5 any any big ones jake don't think i don't notice you've been going to the gym i'm seeing those packs starting to peek through the t-shirt this guy's doing he's doing a makeover this season thanks bill um well the texans lost uh their top receiver, Nico Collins.

Speaker 6 That was the biggest one that went on IR yesterday.

Speaker 6 So that's one to watch out for.

Speaker 4 Is he done for the year?

Speaker 1 No, just for

Speaker 6 like a month.

Speaker 1 Okay. Yeah.

Speaker 6 So that hurts. He's the leading man.

Speaker 5 He wanted to take the month off, Paul, to watch you special.

Speaker 1 That's that's how hard. There you go.
That's right.

Speaker 5 A reasonable man right now.

Speaker 1 Did you come up?

Speaker 4 You want to hear something?

Speaker 4 You want to hear something nuts? I swear to God,

Speaker 4 I got an up-to-date

Speaker 4 breaking news right now. The assistant general manager of the New York Giants just texted me during this.

Speaker 4 I swear to God, the assistant general manager of the New York Giants just texted me during this stream.

Speaker 4 No, he said, I'm watching your special this weekend. I swear to God.

Speaker 4 I swear to God, dude, how nuts is that?

Speaker 5 Oh, Christmas comes early every year for Paul Versey.

Speaker 1 Dude, this is your month. Absolutely.

Speaker 5 Black people have January, gays have June, and Paul Versey has October.

Speaker 1 Andrew,

Speaker 4 can we get the lines? Can we get the lines for all the games up? Is that a possibility? Because I think I go first.

Speaker 5 What you do is you put it on your fucking phone, and then

Speaker 5 you go into this display in brightness and just say, never shut off the screen. And you're right there, Paul.

Speaker 5 Andrew, you've taught me things.

Speaker 1 Yeah, hey.

Speaker 5 The boy genius from Beverly Hills. His rich parents didn't pay attention to him as a kid, and his best friends were his computers.

Speaker 3 We had so many houses that we just never ran into each other.

Speaker 5 His friends were his computers, and he should be working at NASA right now, but he's trying to stick it to his dad by doing a podcast.

Speaker 1 This is your backstory. I threw the 4.0 away.

Speaker 3 Yeah, I'm going to try and share the screen here and see.

Speaker 5 dude by the way bryce harper man that guy is fun to watch in the playoffs dude just delivers

Speaker 5 i know they got shut down or whatever but like he turned that one game around looked like the mets were going to sweep him game two

Speaker 4 i'm sure dodgers didn't choke just yet but there's still time probably tomorrow what's that 2-1 padres 2-2 goddess had it yesterday I'm in I'm in Sirius XM and I have to do it this way because I'm running plus two versus the bears just talk to me Paul I like the Jaguars I think that the Bears had a good week last week, but they played the Carolina Panthers.

Speaker 4 And I saw

Speaker 4 the Jags came back and won that game. I think, there we go.

Speaker 6 The game is in London, Paulie, by the way.

Speaker 3 Just letting you know.

Speaker 4 Yeah,

Speaker 4 I like Jacksonville. I'm going to take Jacksonville getting points in London against the Bears.
I know the Bears are good, but I think Trevor Lawrence and them figured something out last week.

Speaker 4 And I like them getting the points. So let's do that.

Speaker 5 All right. Oh, Billy boys going with the Buffalo Bills Monday night.
Minus two and a half against the Jets

Speaker 5 in the Meadowlands or wherever the fuck you guys play over there.

Speaker 5 You know, the Jets are in flux right now. I don't think they're turning around in a week.
I'm sure, Jake, you're going to say somebody's injured. I don't give a fuck.

Speaker 5 Minus two and a half. I like it.
I like it.

Speaker 1 I think they're going to beat them.

Speaker 3 And

Speaker 5 I don't know. I just think, I think the Jets are cursed.

Speaker 1 Yeah.

Speaker 5 Not even Aaron Rodgers or fucking Brett Favre or any of these guys that go there can turn him around.

Speaker 1 All right. I like it.

Speaker 5 You know what? He's good on that coach. Good for him.
He got out of that fucking haunted house. The Amityville horror of the NFL.

Speaker 4 All right, I'm going to do something I normally don't do, but I'm going to take a lot of points. And I am going to take the Cleveland Browns getting nine

Speaker 4 i don't think the philadelphia eagles are that good of a team yet not saying they can't turn it around but jalen hurts looks different i i think the browns

Speaker 5 sort of quitting on the team last week

Speaker 1 uh

Speaker 4 well i think that everybody's yeah i think everybody's saying he stinks and all this stuff i think he's gonna i think he's if the competitor's gonna bounce back nine points is a lot they could lose the game and still get some garbage points at the end i'm gonna take the browns

Speaker 5 I like all against the Grain Polly. I'm going to take the Texans, even with that big injury, minus seven over my New England Patriots.
It's just like

Speaker 5 we are fucking hapless. I hate to say it.
We're just, we haven't found our footing with the new crew. And it's also a way that I can watch the Patriots and get a positive.
Either they fucking.

Speaker 5 The worst is when you bet against your team, they cover and they still lose. This is a big enough spread, obviously.
This is very doable. But I'm taking the Texans.

Speaker 5 Oh, Billy wins some, lose some. Two and two last week.

Speaker 1 Um,

Speaker 1 I am going

Speaker 5 off this week, Paul. That's always my lot.
The NFL, that's their story this year.

Speaker 4 What is that? Uh, what is the Chargers line? Are the Chargers getting two and a half or they minus two and a half?

Speaker 6 Minus two and a half.

Speaker 4 I'm going to take the Chargers to beat the Broncos.

Speaker 5 You bastard.

Speaker 4 I uh, well, hey, you took mine. You took my Texans.
It's even.

Speaker 5 Don't do that tit-for-tat shit with me.

Speaker 1 Hey, how did I know? How did I

Speaker 4 know you were going to pick them? But yeah, I like the Chargers.

Speaker 5 I think they're better. All right.

Speaker 1 I like the Steelers going into the Raiders.

Speaker 5 Minus three and a half. That's another team.
I don't know. I'm just betting against teams that can't seem to get their shit together.

Speaker 1 It's three now.

Speaker 5 That's what I have there.

Speaker 3 Oh, okay. They said three and a half.
Cool.

Speaker 5 Oh, did I? Maybe I said that.

Speaker 1 Yeah, no, no problem.

Speaker 5 Listen, you're the boy genius from Beverly Hills. I'm not going to go against you.

Speaker 5 Are the oh, I'm so sorry your parents never paid attention to you like that.

Speaker 5 Your real parents are the salt of the earth. They're going to see this.

Speaker 1 Why was he saying that?

Speaker 4 I'm going to take, dude, I can't see or hear on this one. I feel like I'm losing my senses.
I'm going to take the Lions minus three

Speaker 4 over the Cowboys.

Speaker 4 i just think golf is so good and uh i think they're well coached by the way they're playing the bengals no lions no they're not the giants are playing the bengals i'm sorry i'm sorry i thought you said the giants lions lions lions those are my four i'm taking the lions minus three

Speaker 5 why did you just yell those are my four

Speaker 5 You feel like you're on shifty ground. I love it.
The second you did it. I didn't get to do it yellow.

Speaker 1 Those are my four. All right, that's it.

Speaker 5 Fucking sticking winter.

Speaker 1 Paul, I'm not going to lie to you right now.

Speaker 4 I am fucking, I am

Speaker 4 in the fucking middle.

Speaker 4 Bill, I'm like a dealer in Vegas. I go, those are my four.
Here we go, like this.

Speaker 5 You just went like this.

Speaker 1 No more bets. You just went like that.
The fucking roulette wheel. I'm off.
I'm off. No more bets.

Speaker 1 Oh,

Speaker 5 goddammit, Paul. God damn it, Paul.
Am I going to go? Am I going to go into the DMZ

Speaker 5 of the NFL? Am I going to go NFC South?

Speaker 1 Oh,

Speaker 4 nobody knows what happens down here.

Speaker 5 Why's it got to be three and a half?

Speaker 4 Because they know, Bill.

Speaker 1 They know.

Speaker 5 They know. They fucking know.
I'm staying away from that. I think the Saints are going to play strong at home.

Speaker 1 It's going to be a,

Speaker 5 I know, but who the fuck are they, dude?

Speaker 5 Who are they? And then you got the Falcons of like minus six going into the Saints also.

Speaker 6 Saints don't have Derek Carr.

Speaker 1 Yeah.

Speaker 1 Go with you.

Speaker 5 So who do they got? Jameson Winston?

Speaker 6 Some rookie, Spencer Rattler.

Speaker 1 Spencer. Oh, Rattler, Oklahoma last year.

Speaker 6 Yeah, yeah, a long time ago.

Speaker 1 Spencer.

Speaker 5 Okay.

Speaker 4 Guys, I got five minutes, just so you know, five minutes I got.

Speaker 5 Oh, don't rush me. Come on.
You know this. Don't rush me, Taylor Dane.

Speaker 1 I heard that fucking thing before.

Speaker 3 Don't rush me.

Speaker 5 Remember that? Taylor Dane. Why does it got to be minus five? The fucking Packers at home.
Why do they have to pick the perfect number? You know what? Fuck this, Paul.

Speaker 5 I'm going to see the goddamn Saints. I'm going to take the fucking Saints, three and a half, getting three and a half at home.
No one knows who this Spencer for hire kid is.

Speaker 5 What kind of kid named Spencer comes out of Oklahoma?

Speaker 1 He's in an enigma, Paul, and he's going to confuse them.

Speaker 5 Okay? They're all going to be worried with this tornado coming or whatever the fuck it is, this biblical thing. That's coming.
At what point, Paul, are we going to address global warming?

Speaker 5 Does Florida literally have to fall off like an appendix off of this country?

Speaker 5 You know what kills me? Is people are so fucking divided, liberals wouldn't care. The same way

Speaker 5 people on the right wouldn't give a shit if LA or California fell into the fucking ocean. That's how we're like rooting against fellow countrymen.

Speaker 1 Horrible.

Speaker 5 I've seen comments about that, about it coming there. Good, man.
Wash them all away. How could you say that about your fellow countrymen, Paul?

Speaker 5 The locker room is divided. I like Florida, Paul.

Speaker 4 Some people in this world should just be killed.

Speaker 1 Segue.

Speaker 5 I mean, I feel like we could close the podcast on that one.

Speaker 3 Quick Monday night special, Bills and Jets, Monday night.

Speaker 5 What do you think?

Speaker 1 Any

Speaker 4 hey, Paul, I like that saying.

Speaker 5 My wife was being moody.

Speaker 1 You know what I mean?

Speaker 5 And this morning, I just been a, I feel like I've been a good guy. So I wrote her a poem.

Speaker 1 It all rhymed.

Speaker 5 And I wrote, no, it all rhymed about all the shit I was doing for her. And then in the end was the punchline.
I just got it. She laughed her ass off.
That's why I married him.

Speaker 3 That's great.

Speaker 5 I said,

Speaker 5 I'm taking you to Paris. I'm hitting it like Maris.

Speaker 1 It was an epic fucking pulp.

Speaker 4 That's a good one. I like that.

Speaker 4 And I like that Saints pick. You know why? Because that was your gut.
So now you can sleep with it. It's all about sleeping with it.

Speaker 5 Oh, that was you last year. You know what, Bill? I can sleep with

Speaker 1 my picks.

Speaker 4 I could sleep. Yeah, it's like if I lose, I could sleep with it.
Um, I think we go Monday night special. We got to do uh bills, right? We got to take the bills, Monday night special.

Speaker 5 We got to do that. We got to do Monday night special, and then everybody's got to watch Paul Verse.
Come on, you got to watch Paul Verse's special.

Speaker 1 Reasonable man, baby.

Speaker 4 Reasonable man, baby.

Speaker 5 Yep, he's a reasonable man.

Speaker 4 Let's go. What do you think, Bill? Bills minus two and a Josh Allen to throw one.

Speaker 1 Josh Allen to throw one.

Speaker 5 100%. I love all of that.

Speaker 4 James Cook to run one.

Speaker 6 He's injured at the moment. So maybe someone else.

Speaker 5 Jake the snake.

Speaker 1 Jake the snake. All right.
Jake the snake.

Speaker 5 He's not viable.

Speaker 6 We don't know.

Speaker 4 All right. So then we won't do anything.

Speaker 1 Jake, you know what?

Speaker 5 You are on this. You're like our financial advisor.
And every week we're sitting there going, I'm buying a boat. You're like, hey, you know, you might want to just rent one this weekend.

Speaker 4 What else do we do?

Speaker 1 Josh Allen

Speaker 1 over.

Speaker 1 Over under?

Speaker 3 Over 15 rushing yards. I mean, that's

Speaker 1 what's the over-under this week?

Speaker 1 A million to have something.

Speaker 4 Dude, I like Josh Allen to run for 15 yards, don't you?

Speaker 1 41.

Speaker 5 I like that bet, Paul. God damn it.

Speaker 4 Which one?

Speaker 5 I like what you just said.

Speaker 4 Yeah, Josh Allen to run, to rush over 15 yards.

Speaker 5 Hey, Paul, it's October. I'm drafting behind you like a bike race.
I'm not going to question you.

Speaker 4 So we'll do this. Josh Allen, anytime touchdown.

Speaker 4 Josh Allen to rush for 15, more than 15 yards, and Bills to win by a field goal.

Speaker 5 I love it.

Speaker 4 Let's do it. There it is.
There it is.

Speaker 1 Let's do it.

Speaker 4 There it is. All right, guys.

Speaker 4 This is our picks for week number six.

Speaker 4 Next time, I'll be normally in my normal studio, but there you go. There you have it.

Speaker 4 Please download the Bet MGM app on your device, put a minimum as low as $10, a minimum of $10 in deposit, and you will get $1,500 in bonus bets. We're still doing the touchdown thing, right?

Speaker 4 Touchdown, the first touchdown. You bet on who's going to get the first touchdown.

Speaker 4 If that person does not get the first touchdown, but in fact, they get the second touchdown, you will still get the bet, right, Andrew?

Speaker 5 Hey, real quick, shout out to Washington Huskies.

Speaker 1 Great win last week.

Speaker 4 Oh, great win. Michigan.

Speaker 5 Underrated stadium. All you people out there that live in the Midwest, now that the Huskies are in the Big Ten, if your team plays them out there, you won't regret going to go see them.

Speaker 5 And shame on all those fucking rats that uploaded that video of that guy in Michigan saying that telling that fucking kid, I'll beat the fuck out of you. That's exactly what he should have said.

Speaker 5 And all you fucking assholes, quit ratting out, people.

Speaker 5 Threaten someone that deserves to be threatened. All right, I said my piece.
That's it. All right.
We'll see you next week. Happy gambling, everybody.

Speaker 4 They should have thrown that kid to the whole Michigan.

Speaker 5 You know what I wish I did when he was yelling at all those Michigan kids? I wish I just grabbed his legs and fucking sent him over down with the lines. Be like, now talk some shit.

Speaker 1 Fucking pussy.

Speaker 1 All right.

Speaker 4 Great way to end. I agree.
Great way to end the show.

Speaker 4 There's the pics. Check out Reasonable Man on my YouTube channel right now.
Enjoy the rest of the week. Enjoy football.
Bet responsibly.

Speaker 5 Take care, guys.

Speaker 3 All right, we'll see you.