Monday Morning Podcast 10-7-24

Hey, what's going on? It's Bill Burr, and it's time for the Monday Morning Podcast for Monday, October 7th, 2024. What's going on? Oh, yeah! How's it go? Oh, Jesus.
October 7th. You know what? I'm going to fucking start Christmas shopping right now.
I'm going to knock it out. Right? just knock it out

get it

what do you want? Huh? What do you want now? That's what they should call this time of year. Unless you're shopping for kids.
Okay? But if you've got to buy something for an adult, that should literally be what you say. It's not Merry Christmas.
It's not Happy Hanukkah. Happy Kwanzaa.
It's like, what the fuck do you want now? Don't you have enough shit? Can't you just one year just be like, you know what? I don't want anything. You know what would be great? Just fucking chilling out and having no bills in January.
Wouldn't that be awesome? Oh, it's the holiday season. It starts with Halloween.
And no one really knows that except for kids and gay people. Everybody thinks it starts on fucking Thanksgiving.
It doesn't. It starts October 31st.
So I'm with the kids right now. I'm trying to figure out, you know, what the costumes are.
My son's going to be Angus Young from ACDC. And then my daughter has some ideas.
We went to this costume store and they just have shit. You know i mean some fucking spider man thing superman thing batman and then you walk down the street you know there's like 15 thors 48 batmans you know 26 spider-men and it's just like we all went to the same store didn't we we all went to the same store look at it look at it looks like they the same store.
Look at it. Look at it.
It looks like they go to a private school and say a fucking uniform, except it's Halloween.

You got to come up with your own shit.

So, and that's what I like.

One of the things I like most about Halloween, other than seeing all the adorable kids, is some of the costumes that people come up with.

I always forget them.

I'm trying to think.

I remember one year we used to have, like, before the pandemic and all this bullshit, fucked everything up.

I don forget them. I'm trying to think.
I remember one year we used to have, like, before the pandemic and all this bullshit, fucked everything up, we used to have this kid's Halloween party. And this woman had, like, a toddler.
And he had, you know, his hair was just growing in. And she took, like, cotton balls and put it on the side of his head so he looked like he was bald and then put granny glasses on him and then made, like, a little walker and dressed him up like an old man.
It was one of the coolest and funniest. And the kid was a chill kid, so he didn't try to take the glasses off.
And he was just sitting there all happy, like, eating candy. And he was just sort of walking around like with his walker was that was you know they don't make you know if you try to sell that in a store it's like i really old people with disabilities is a costume to you you know these are the kind of things um i flew back from tacoma today um had a great friggin weekend um even though i threw up my back i threw up my back stretching before i went to the gym so i wouldn't fuck up my back and uh it was literally the first it's an old one it's the first time i ever fucked up my back.
I was 14, playing football. Not organized, you know.
My family was antisocial. So it was just, you know, a bunch of kids playing in your school clothes, running around, beating the shit out of each other.
And it feels like it's right where my kidney is. I was able able to kind of work it out hey work it out huh and uh i went to the uh now of course now it's talking to me fuck um we went to the michigan wolverine washington uh huskies game and i gotta tell you sports fans sports fans one of the most underrated stadiums in the country, Washington Huskies football stadium.
It's right on the water, really unique looking stadium, gorgeous campus, uh, great fans, great atmosphere. The whole thing, it was an amazing game.
Um, you know, Michigan couldn't get anything going. All of a sudden it was like like 14 to nothing.
We were like, oh, man, this is going to be a blowout. What's going on? And they took out Orgy.
I swear to God, that's his name, Orgy. And then they put in Tuttle.
And all of a sudden, they had like an offense. And they came roaring back.
And I want to say it was 17-14 at the half. And I was thinking like, and the Michigan's getting the ball after halftime.
They're going to go down, score a touchdown, make it 24-14, and then get a three and out. And this game's going to be over.
Because once they started moving the ball, all of a sudden, Washington couldn't score a touchdown. And their field goal kicker, you know, missed one, had another one blocked.
You know, he was real shaky and everything. So it was looking like they were good to go.
So then Washington adjusts, and they start doing like this, switching off on like, switching off on the quarterbacks. And I got to tell you, they kept trying to run inside

and there would be nothing there.

And then the guys would bounce to the outside

and Michigan just wasn't setting the edge.

There was nobody staying home.

The second he would look like he was going to go

in the middle of the line, that guy in the end would

start cheating in and then he would bounce it back out

and run around and get like massive gains.

And they ended up coming back and beating the Wolverines. It was a great game.
And everybody there was cool, man. Like, the Washington Huskings fans were really cool, except for one kid.
This kid came down, and he was just screaming. I don't know what the hell he was saying, but, like, four Michigan players turned, what? And, you know, somebody that was down in the field said, I will.
What the hell did he say? He said something. I will fuck you up.
And then the kid was and the kid turned around, looked at everybody else. He goes, why is he so mad? It's just like, dude, like because you don't know.
Like you're crossing all these, you know, like that those sports fans that don't know where the line is it's almost like they watch sports so they can talk about your mother like it has nothing to do with the game um and it was such a great game so that was the only kid that sort of like ruined it but there's always like one idiot there but um just an amazing amazing amazing stadium um all you all you midwest people okay now that washington is in the big 10 when your team plays them 100 go to that game you're not going to be disappointed and uh seattle's one of my favorite cities uh it's all kinds of great stuff to do i mean you could turn it into a whole freaking weekend um i was kind of against the super conferences. But now that they're like paying the kids.
You know. Which I think is great.
Somebody was trying to tell me. Like someone.
Like I don't even know what they're. I'm like what are they making? A couple hundred grand.
Somebody's like no. Somebody's making like 10 million dollars.
I'm like they're making 10 million dollars. That's fucking amazing.
Is that true? Just repeating shit that I heard. So anyway, my back was out.
And fortunately, it was such an exciting game. People stood the whole game.
And it was actually ended up being really good for my back because sitting down was not a good thing. And I brought all these cigars up.
And I was handing them out like I had a kid. And, oh, Billy.
Oh, Billy Freckles did not have a cigar. I had one cup of coffee.
I went to Manifesto Coffee in Tacoma, one of my favorite coffee shops. When I'm out on the road, I went in there, and I got a latte.
I got that on the way to the game. It was delicious.
It was amazing. But I'm a tea guy now.
Old Billy teabag. I'm a fucking teabagger, man.
I'm telling you. I don't know what the hell my life was the last two and a half years once I got addicted to caffeine or whatever was my latest fucking vice.
I just spent the last two and a half years fucking wired out of my mind trying to drink enough water so I could have a fucking normal bowel movement. That's what I did to my body for the last fucking two and a half years.
I was like, what the fuck am I doing? And then fortunately, I went to Nashville with Dean. And on the flight back, I caught fucking influenza A, which put me down for like 10 days.
And during that 10 days, I didn't have any coffee and I came out of it. And I was just like, all right, let me just see.
I mean, maybe I'll just go to the end of the month without it. And I started drinking tea.
And I got to admit, when I first drank tea, it tasted like fucking ass. Just like coffee.
Just like whiskey. Just like beer.
Everything. Every vice tastes like first fucking cigar.
Tastes like ass. And then whatever it is, the fucking alcohol, the caffeine, the fucking tobacco, it just gets in you and you're like, yeah, this is fucking good.
You know, it's like, I don't, I can't remember the last time I had McDonald's. I haven't had McDonald's in like maybe like five years.
I can't even remember. And, uh, I have no craving for it whatsoever.
It doesn't even make sense. Fast food.
I don't eat any of that shit. It's not fucking real food.
But I will say this. If I am in a pinch and I get it, if I get McDonald's for like three, four days, that grease is still in me.
The pink slime, whatever the fuck they have, they scrape up off underneath fucking Ronald McDonald's shoes. And for like four days, I'm like, I want McDonald's.
And it makes no sense. So anyway, I drink green tea with jasmine, everybody.
I told you guys, I texted Nia. I go,

Nia, I have something I need to confess.

She's like, what? What? What? I go,

I like green tea with jasmine. And then

I sent a little rainbow.

So

anyway,

I've been watching the baseball playoffs,

trying to watch the football, but October baseball

is insane. Please tell me you saw that Mets-Phillies game, game two.
It was insane. Absolutely fucking insane.
Mets go up three to nothing. And then Bryce Harper comes up, you know, looking like every older kid that bullied me when I was a kid, minus the beard.
He just looked like he just

has that face.

Don't see me. Don't see me.

All of a sudden he'd be like, hey, carrot top!

I was like, oh, God, here we go.

Hey, Bryce!

He goes up

there and they have this big

fucking meeting

at the mound

to try to figure out how they're going to pitch

Thank you. So he goes up there, and they have this big fucking meeting at the mound to try to figure out how they're going to pitch Bryce.

I believe there was a guy in first base.

They had this big fucking meeting.

And I would think somebody said, whatever you do, don't give up a home run.

Maybe that was just a given.

Maybe they didn't say it.

And then fucking after the meeting, they go up there and Bryce just fucking, was it straight away center? Just crushed the thing. And then the Greek kid after him gets up, hits a fucking home run.
And it was three to nothing. Philly fans were fucking dead silent.
It's like a funeral there. All of a sudden it's three to three.
So then the Mets come up the next inning. I'm like, Jesus.
So I'm rooting for the fucking Mets because F is for family. I did with the great Mike Price from the Simpsons.
And he's the biggest Mets fan ever. And it was so funny.
Like, every year he would come in. He would have a brand new Mets hat.
He'd either have the standard one. I remember one year he had the white one with Mr.
Met on the front. And he would come in, you know, all excited.
They would always start out great. And then somewhere mid-May, beginning of June, he would just walk in.
He would go into his office. And it was all glass, right? So you could just see into the offices.
That's the way we had the offices there, wherever we were renting. It was funny.
They weren't private at all. You could just see in there.
He would walk in, and he would take his hat off, and he would just throw it across the room. And I always felt bad.
Because he's the nicest guy ever, and he would come walking out. And I go, they starting to lose? And he's like, ah, these fucking guys fucking guy every year every year they do this to me i don't know you know just classic diehard sports fan why do i watch why do i do this to myself so i root for them because of him unless they're playing my red socks right so um anyway it's three to three then my daughter goes i want to get i want to get a fucking uh you know, a costume for Halloween.
So then I took it down to the store and I come back and it's like six to six in the bottom of the ninth. I'm like, what the fuck happened? Um, I don't, I don't even know what happened.
And all the announcers were saying it was like the greatest game, you know, the game of the year or something like that. So I definitely got to rewatch it.
If you get a chance, definitely watch the highlights. It's just unreal.
I mean, if the Mets go up two games to none, going back to Shea, I don't give a fuck what the Citibank, whatever the hell, it's Shea. Going back to Shea.
Although I remember in 86, the Red Sox won the first two games in Shea. Still can't believe that.
Like, you win the first two fucking games, the other team has to win four out of the next five. And they did it.
They came to Boston and they won two in a row. Then we win game five and you know the rest.
But anyway, that doesn't happen a lot unless you were playing the red sox before you know during during that era we definitely had the ability to do that um but anyway and uh and i watched a little bit of the dodgers padres before i started this podcast uh i think they're up two to nothing and um i i have this weird thing with sports right now where I just think, like,

the greatest athletes of all time are playing right now.

Like, the condition that they're in, the shit that they're able to do.

Like, that 17-year-old kid on Alabama, that catch he made last week,

did the 360 spin, and then two guys are closing in on him on Georgia,

and he just stops and just hops back, and they bounce into each other.

Thank you. Alabama, that catch he made last week, did the 360 spin, and then two guys are closing in on him on Georgia, and he just stops and just hops back, and they bounce into each other.
Nobody did shit like that when I was a kid. Didn't happen until maybe like Barry Sanders or whatever.
I didn't even know what the fuck I was watching. I was like, this looks like that's real, like a human being can do that.
You know what I mean? So I love seeing all that. And some of these catches, especially at the collegiate level, it seems like every week somebody's doing a catch.
What was that guy in the Giants who made the greatest catch ever? You know the one. He's fucking falling backwards and he just like reached out with his hand.
Didn't even like, it wasn't even the cone of the football hit his palm. He just reached out and grabbed it.
The side of it as it was like coming down from the heavens.

Odell Beckham.

I almost said O to be McDowell.

That's how old I am.

Odell Beckham.

That catch that kid on Minnesota made last week against the Wolverines.

It's insane.

So all of that is insane. But the level of self-congratulatory, I just, I don't get it.
I don't fucking understand it. It's like the Phillies, when Bryce hits a home run and then the Greek kid after him hits a home run, like the level of screaming, and all he did was just, you know, Bryce hit a home run.
You would have thought it was the end of the game. Like the level of celebrating.
Like that happened when you won the pennant when I was a kid. Not you made it.
We went from 3-0 to 3-2. 3-2.
He's fucking screaming. Let's fucking go.
And then the other guy gets up. He hits a home run.
And he's running down the first baseline. He takes something off, throws it at the dugout.

Like, everybody somehow now, like, when I was a kid, you hit a home run,

you just trotted around the bases.

And if you didn't go around fast enough,

the next guy was getting a 100-mile-an-hour fastball right at his fucking chin.

And now, like, everybody turns into Gary Oldman in the state of grace. Remember that? When Sean Penn was the undercover cop and he was delaying.
And Gary wanted to, his character wanted to go down and help out the other guys. And Sean was delaying.
I don't know, I don't know. And then finally just goes, let's go! Every fucking sport.
Everybody's screaming, let's fucking go. I'm here.
I'm watching it. I get it.
It's fucking three to two. You're still down by one.
Like, what are we doing here? But I've just realized that it's just a different, it's it's the game has passed me by i'm an old because i remember when i was a kid you know fucking old men would say that i remember that chuck ben ben derrick ben derrick whatever his name was a great player for the eagles i still remember him on the nfl network and they asked him what he thought about today's game and it was the 1980s he goes what do you think about today's game and he goes i wouldn't watch a football game like he got all like fucking wound up like he was gonna choke a puppy to death um so i'm just falling into what i'm trying not to do that i'm trying not to do that but i i don't understand like the nba nobody's in the paint and you dunk on nobody and then scream like you're in 300 i

don't understand it um let's fucking go where are we going what are we doing what are we doing what

is the dj ever going to stop playing the fucking music they ever going to stop playing the fucking

music um all right that's it that's my little fucking old man rant there um

Thank you. to stop playing the fucking music they ever gonna stop playing the fucking music um all right that's it that's my little fucking old man rant there um what the hell was i gonna talk about here what else uh oh yeah so the back is uh the back could be better but you know it also could be worse yeah i threw it out i still did the elliptical i still did it i just said fuck it i mean it's just it's gonna be out no matter what i do you know, it also could be worse.
Yeah, I threw it out and I still did the elliptical. I still did it.
I just said, fuck it. I mean, it's just, it's going to be out no matter what I do, you know? Might as well work out, you know? Isn't that how that works? I don't know.
All I know is I'm doing this podcast because the third episode of The Penguin is on tonight. Me and my wife have been watching that.
If you haven't checked that out, Colin Farrell is fucking amazing. There's so many great actors, and it's just they did this series right.
And I like that you got to wait a week. You know, I'm Billy Old Man this week.
In my day, you had to wait a week. You went to work and you talked about the last episode.
And there were only three channels. Yeah, I'm be watching uh i'm gonna be watching that but um sorry i'm adjusting myself i feel like somebody's stabbing me in the kidney um i will tell you this though like drinking tea okay that's not something a lot of americans do right we're coffee I'm not tired.
Don't be tired. Be wired.
That's fucking America. And you just keep going.
And no matter how much you work. You didn't work enough.
And you're still going to get fired. However the fuck everything is working nowadays.
But like. I don't get how tea is so big.
England and they're such a fucking psycho country I find it very relaxing and like peaceful as opposed to like you know coffee's like all right you know let's go to the gym you know but tea's like yeah you know sit here think about life fucking relax it's amazing that they drank tea all of those years while creating all of these genocides around the planet man that's when you know you're evil right you're sitting there eating drinking green tea with jasmine and you're still trying to pit fucking dark-skinned people against lighter-skinned people so that you can come in and run their country and take their fucking natural resources i mean that's amazing um and anybody from england that wants to shit on america it's like hey dude we learned that from you guys okay we stole your playbook we're like the Colts when they stole the Patriots' offense and made how we covered their fucking receivers illegal. And then they won a Super Bowl.
That's what we are. Speaking of which, I got to get back over there.
Oh, I am. I am getting over there.
A couple weeks. I got three shows in Paris.
And I've been brushing up and getting back up, you know,

because I fucking, of course, right the month,

right the month before I'm fucking going to go over there.

I catch the flu. I stop fucking working out.

I eat like shit.

My cunt belly came back just a little bit,

just enough to be noticed, you know.

Slipping back into a dad bod where before, you know, I was starting to look like that guy that never got married.

You know, that's the best shape you can get in as a dad.

You can look like maybe you were never married.

Unless you did hard drugs.

For some reason, if you did heroin in your 20s, if you survive it, you're like wiry for the rest of your life. Like Keith Richards, you know that guy doesn't work out.
He smokes cigarettes. That guy is in fucking amazing shape.
Amazing fucking shape. He's like 80 years old and he's in better shape than most people by the time they're fucking 28 um i don't know what it does um that's gonna be the latest diet the heroin diet well we've taken the addictive part out but the part that makes you lose the weight we've kept that in um all right no they're not gonna do that okay uh let's do's do the reads here for this week.
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Oh, by the way, I also played a casino in Tacoma. And I want to thank everybody that came out.
And I did my new hour. I did 58 minutes before I had to do the last 15 from my last hour.
So I am right on schedule. I'm going to do a bunch of spots this week.
And I can't wait. Looking forward to it.
Such a good time. I fucking love it up there.
Seattle, Tacoma, that whole area. It is so frigging gorgeous.
And I'm also psyched. I think they're going to get a basketball team up there.
And they should go back to calling them the Supersonics, not just the Sonics. All right.
North Carolina. Bill, I've never written a letter or email to anyone I didn't know personally in my life.
Not going to bitch too much because I don't have time because I'm writing this in my car on my way to drive goods to friends. You may have heard that FEMA, our Government Emergency Response Department, said they were out of money for this year's budget.
The current vice president said that they will allot $750 to those who are in need. So last week we sent another $8.5 billion to fight wars.
And then after the hurricane, it was announced billions were being sent to aid for the country that is being bombed by a country whose weapons we're paying for. Yeah.
One side blows it up. The other side builds it.
Yeah, it's the war economy. I'm tired, depressed, not sure why our country doesn't care about us.
And by us, I mean all of us. Don't group me.
No, I understand that. I know.
I'm not talking politics here. I'm shitting on all of them.
There are a lot of people who have mobilized from surrounding areas to help, but FEMA is preventing certain groups to help those who need rescuing. Why are they doing that? We had to drive four hours extra to bring food to our friends who can't get out.
I'll be using a boat to make it around the damaged area. This is all pretty fucked.
Yeah, can I ask you a question? Like, why are we just all sitting back, you know, and just watching this shit happen? And then what do you do? You blame the standing president and whatever party it is. And then the next election, everybody goes to the other side and then the same shit happens.
And then you blame that party. And then somebody else on the other side comes in promising the moon.
Is there a way for anybody in the podcast to like donate to try and help out then you have to watch

out because people use you know these dirt bags will come up with like a fake fucking charity i remember i used to give to that wounded warriors project i used to give a percentage of my podcast money to that and then i found out that that was that was all fucking corrupt i don't know if they fixed it or whatever, but like, how do you do that? Just, I don't know. That's super depressing.
And I'm sorry you're going through that. And, uh, the longer, uh, I'm watching this craziness, I really just think it's up to citizens to help other citizens.
And we need to kind of just walk away from Democrat and Republican parties because they're not doing shit for us. All they're doing is shit for themselves, lining their own pockets and making sure they're going to be all right when there's no drinking water and the sun is fucking burning up the trees.
What? I don't understand. I don't get it.
I don't get it. Oh boy.
All right. Food poisoning response.
A Billy Fruit Loop, did you see the responses to the food hearings? There was an article dismissing all those experts as the woo-woo caucus and right-wingers just because Republicans sponsored the hearings and some of the people on the panel are advising old orange face there.

Wouldn't this be the time to find common ground and just be happy something is being done?

Yeah, it would.

He says, nope, the powers that be had to have a horn-rimmed journalist dismiss it as fringe.

Oh, dude, like how does that guy go to sleep at night? The good news is that I have a huge amount of people I think a huge amount of people are aware that they should be making better choices, especially with kids. If you add up the numbers, the chronic illness kids have today is worse than smoking deaths in the 70s.

Not all these kids are dying, but they're on the road to bigger problems. Thanks for being you.
Yeah, and here's the thing. Way less people smoke than in the 70s.
So we're going to turn this around. All right? Just keep demanding that you should know what's in your food.
and that, you know, when there's hurricanes, earthquakes, fires, whatever the fuck it is,

you know, when there's hurricanes, earthquakes, fires, whatever the fuck it is, you know, our tax dollars should be, that we've paid should be used to help us. I don't know.
Is that asking too much? Evidently it is. Landlording.
Hey, Mr. Freckledled testicles never thought i would write to the podcast but this really just happened all right so somebody wrote in when was saying that their boyfriend was thinking of buying an investment property and becoming a landlord and his girlfriend was getting the ick because he was going to be making money off the backs of hard-working people and blah blah blah basically the argument was that all landlords are pieces of shit and anybody who rents a place is the salt of the earth most honest fucking respectable person ever so obviously when you speak in absolutes like i love know, there's in the middle is the truth.
So now we're hearing from landlords who are telling us their nightmare stories of what it's like to be a landlord. I own a duplex and rent out the downstairs apartment.
I never wanted to be a landlord and never wanted to rent out the apartment, but my girlfriend insisted. All right, let's just stop there.
If you didn't want to do it, if your girlfriend doesn't want to do something and then you fucking continue to insist that she does it, how does that play out? Huh? I love how no means no with women, but no does not mean no with men i don't want to do this i insist all right well at the end of the day dude you should have just said no i'm not doing it anyway the guy says uh all right my girlfriend insisted so i gave in like we do as males um i don't give in on shit like that. I give in on bullshit.
All right, I'm watching the Mets fucking Phillies game. It's tied up.
It's the playoffs. You know, can you take our daughter out to go get a costume roll? Yes, I give in on that.
I can always tape the fucking game, but I'm not going to, like, change. Like, I don't want to become a fucking landlord.
You know, I'm not doing that. Uh, anyway, I, the guy says, I got home from work the other day and my tenant said he needed new air filters.
Okay. No problem.
I bought new air filters. The size was slightly wrong, but still did the job.
I mean, barely wrong in the size. Two days later, he says he's sick and it's my fault.
He's 32 and we are in our 50s. We, of course, laughed at him.
And then two days later, he comes upstairs, busts into my house and attacked me screaming, you made me sick. He seriously fucked up.
He went to jail and now I have to wait 30 days until he is evicted. Does the ick lady think that this is sitting back and collecting money? Wait, dude, he burst into your house like some crazy Kramer? I hope her man has left her by now.
I love you, Billy boy. Go diddle yourself, you ginger cunt.
Oh, dude, please tell me when your girlfriend was going like, oh my God, that's crazy. And you should have been like, yeah, this is why I didn't want to be a landlord.
But you insisted. You want to go down there and roll around with them on the kitchen floor like I just did? I mean, you at least owe me a handjob, something.
You're right. You know, make me a breakfast.
Are you going to get anything out of this? Fucking unreal. All right, landlord story.
Hey, Billy, the slumlord. What's it say here? Small-time landlord here reaching out with a personal experience.
I rent out an apartment that is attached to my house in a rural town in Vermont. I have a full-time landlord here reaching out with a personal experience.
I rent out an apartment

that is attached to my house in a rural town in Vermont. I have a full-time job and that is not a source and this is not a source of income for me.
The rent helps out with the property taxes and usually covers repairs. I rented my apartment to a young woman a few years ago who ended up having a mental breakdown after signing the lease.
One day, I went in to repair a leak under the sink and was instantly hit in the face by a wave of unbearable stench. Unbeknownst to me, she had gotten three cats despite my no pet policy.
She had a litter box but did not clean it. Cat feces were overflowing onto the ground.
The cats were clearly neglected and starving because they had shredded the blinds trying to get out. Apparently she was also afraid of bugs and never opened the windows for ventilation.
Oh my god, she could die in there. She wasn't taking out her trash and was the worst hoarder I had ever seen.

It took me a few months, but eventually she moved out but left everything she owned. I took 1,700 pounds of trash to the dump and found maggots in her bed.
Oh my God. I had to rip out the flooring underlayment and subflooring

as the cat urine had soaked down through. I had to buy a special odor blocking primer and sealed every inch of the apartment.
I took four weeks of time off of work. Instead of going on vacation with my wife, I spent over 200 hours sweating and smelling like cat piss and mold.
Dude, please tell me you wore some sort of mask for the mold, not even for the cat piss. I billed her for what I thought was a reasonable amount of the damages and ended up getting death threats from her father, who told me he would bring me and my family endless pain and suffering.
They eventually paid up after I contacted the police, but I had to put about $7,500 of my own money into fixing the apartment, and it will take me years to become whole again. Being a landlord has brought me many sleepless nights, not sure the juice is worth the squeeze sometimes lots of people don't understand everything that goes into making a home safe and livable repairs snow removal lawn maintenance trash utilities and then the taxes and insurance keep rising thanks for all the laugh and go evict yourself all right right.
I think we got one more landlord thing here.

Oh, dude, you guys.

That fucking lady brought them out.

Landlord levity.

Hey, Billy, breadsticks.

Pretty heated debate going on here with the fucking landlords.

Just wanted to add my two cents.

I'm 33 and I've been paying.

Oh, this is from a renter.

And I've been paying my rent solo since literally a week after high school ended.

No mommy, daddy bucks for me as an actual zero.

Not a dime from them.

I can confidently say rent slash housing is nowhere near as affordable as it was when I started out in 2009.

Yeah, gee, I wonder why that is.

You have a never-ending war that cost you $8.5 billion a fucking month. They just keep printing money every fucking August.
That's going to happen. The same exact jobs I worked would not pay the rent at the exact same apartments slash rooms I rented.
Not even close. You're a bit older than me, man.
It's almost laughable how affordable it was for me back then. If you're really honest with yourself, you would say the same and rent slash housing was even more affordable when you were coming up.
Yeah, and what you're going to do now is you're going to blame the landlords. And what it is, is everything went up.
You heard the last guy was saying the insurance goes up, the property tax, everything goes up. They're destroying the middle class is what they're doing with the greed at the top.
And if people could just keep their eye on the handful of rich white people and stop giving into racism and fear of foreigners and all of that, if we could all just get on the same fucking... It's never going to happen.
I mean, the machine is just too fucking good. Look up the exact same apartments you rented in New York when you were starting your career.
I guarantee you couldn't afford them now with the money you were making back then.

Dude, I lived in a fucking walkthrough bedroom.

Okay, I didn't go down and get a fucking one-bedroom apartment.

New York has always been unaffordable.

I lived, the guy had his name on the lease, I had to walk through bedroom and Bobby Kelly lived in the living room. Um, we were like on top of each other.
New York has always been that way. Um, anyways, I said, I guarantee you, you couldn't afford them now with the money made back then.
Then you would have never had a chance to start your career and you'd be another Joe sixpack hucking brick in a cubicle or driving a rig. That's not true, dude.
That's not true. I lived at home until I was 27.
I paid for my own fucking college education. I paid off my fucking student loans and I saved up 10 grand living at home like a fucking loser until I was almost 30.
Because I understood money enough to know that I didn't want to be carrying this debt and moving to the most expensive city in the fucking country. And then I fucking, I ate fucking rigatoni or spaghetti every single fucking night with Prego and Nissen bread.
I did that forever. That's what the fuck I fuck i did all right so let's not romanticize like i i you know i went there and i had a two fucking car garage in a doorman um i get that you don't think corporations like black rock should exist and they shouldn't single family homes should not be owned by corporations at all i agree that.
It's been devastating to not just America, but the world.

The sheer magnitude of it now is not something that the world has even faced before. And it plays a major role in artificially inflating demand and therefore the price of housing.
And it bleeds people dry. Yes, I agree with all of that.
But that's not landlords doing that. I'm talking about like the guy who's renting out the bottom floors of his house or the top floor or whatever.
I wasn't talking about BlackRock. However, smaller landlords become death by a thousand cuts.
An easy solution would be no individual can own more than four single family homes and corporations can't own any.

Yeah, that would have been the easy solution. But a certain somebody deregulated corporations in the 80s.
That guy they paraded around the country for fucking 200 days when he died because he made him so much fucking money by taking all the rules off. And they lied to him, saying that if he deregulated them them it was going to give them the ability to operate you know without any you know buddy pulling on the reins and they were going to create all of this wealth that was going to trickle down to all the regular people and they didn't they kept it um also airbnb shouldn't exist um i like all these points, since these landlords that are writing in are just so busy with their couple of properties and it's a full time job, then four properties should be more than enough.
One to live in and three to rent. The world should be like the one you grew up in, and I got to experience for about a decade of being an adult.
Would you agree with that? If not, then why should we be kicked out? Then why should the latter be kicked down? Yeah, well, it's gotten progressively worse. Like when I was in the 70s, the mailman, the milkman, the diaper man, these were all jobs

and they just drove trucks during the day and they made enough money and had benefits that

they owned a house. They still had one car or whatever and they had a stay-at-home wife.
If

she wanted to work, she could. And there was benefits.
I saw the tail end of that. And in the 70s and 80s, all the industry left this country.
So in my lifetime, I've seen it get worse like four or five times. And I remember know with inflation dude you gotta remember like i was working you know minimum wage was like three dollars and fucking 50 cents an hour and a house was 180 grand where i lived if you're going to get like a get a decent-sized garrison colonial.

Anywhere from 125

up to...

It wasn't mansions or anything like that.

If you got something in the 200,000s.

But they've always been having you

chasing the carrot.

And I remember

guys I worked with in the warehouse

and kids I went to high school with

Thank you. They've always been having you chasing the carrot.
And I remember guys I worked with in the warehouse and kids I went to high school with were all buying nice cars because they were like, I'm never going to be able to afford a house. It was already starting back then.
And now it's got, but there was still enough leftover and there was still enough union jobs and all of that. And then the 90s was pretty prosperous.
But still, also in the 90s, like Clinton was the guy that did the last deregulation of the banks that led to 2008. And I don't think we've ever recovered from that.
That just took so many people out. Their life savings, everything that they worked for, and none of those bankers went to jail.
Once again, that small group of white people at the top that controls the fucking narrative and has half this country thinking one thing, the other half thinks the other, and we're just at each other's throats, Hatfield and fucking McCoy's. So I will tell you this, it was never easy.
All right? And, you know, I bounced around a bunch of jobs before I figured out what the fuck I wanted to do. And I really had no plan on how the fuck I was ever going to own a house.
Um, I just started doing comedy and I, I got lucky and I cut some breaks and I started selling tickets. That's basically how it went.
But like, um, I just, I don't know. It's just gotten progressively worse and worse and worse.
And what's funny is all we do is blame each other. Like now generations are like doing what you're doing, going, yeah, hey, it was way easier when you were coming up.
And then it just like creates fucking arguments when we're all living right now. We're all getting fucked by that same group of people but all we do is it's genius we just always end up fucking yelling at each other um i think it's terrible that like you know if these this corporations were buying up houses you know when i was coming up if that was going up back then by the time i could afford a house which was in 2011 when I was coming up, if that was going up back then, by the time I could afford a house, which was in 2011, when I was 43 years old, was when I first bought a house, I wouldn't have been able to afford it.
And I think it's fucking ridiculous. You watch.
Kamala's not going to bring it up. Trump's never going to bring it up.
And they're not going to bring up the food supply. They're not.
It's just. Just forget those people.
They're working for that small group of white people at the top. All right.
And we should all be like helping each other out. I don't know how the fuck to do it.
But at least we could stop yelling at each other. You know.
I was kind of thinking. You know what would be amazing if just nobody voted we never said anything somehow we all got organized and just nobody fucking voted um because this is just going to be more of the same with these two idiots that they have right and if nobody fucking voted but nobody talked about not voting like how fucking freaked out that 1% at the top would be like, what's going on? And would just be fascinating if we all knew that we weren't voting.
And then watching CNN and Fox News watch if they report that nobody's voting or just see if it's just a show. And they just go through it and they just start acting like, oh, Kamala won New Hampshire.
Trump got Vermont.

Would the show still go on?

Like, what would happen?

Or would they freak out and then there would magically be some sort of, you know, attack on this country or whatever the fuck just so they could.

I don't know.

I'm jaded.

Don't listen to me.

Anyways, the land of what is this guy? Okay. That landlady talking about her old landlord that rented to her with no background check and didn't raise her rent for five years is either a lie or a complete outlier.
No, believe it or not,

there's people out there like that.

There's actually honest people.

They're just not corporations.

Dude, you're a pragmatic guy.

Even if that is true,

you're really going to use an outlier antidote

to be like, well, see,

that landlord provided a service

and is one of the good ones.

But he is he is there's good comedians there's bad comedians there's honest politicians there's corrupt politicians there's good cops there's terrible cops this you're speaking in absolutes like all of these like these fucking people this this, these people, they're renting out part of their house. Why are they doing it? Because they need the income.
They're not doing it because they're going to become filthy fucking rich off of your hard-earned dollars. You're lumping everybody into these giant conglomerates that own fucking apartment buildings.
I just don't, I don't agree with that. He says, come on now, how many fucking landlords you think would do shit like that? Zero.
The answer is zero. It's not zero.
It's a small amount. Like what, what study did you do? You did no study and you just, like zero.
The answer is zero. Bill, don't be ridiculous.
You've been out of the working class for a long time. I knew that was coming.
The fuck are you talking about? How have I been out of the working class for a long time? How have I been out of the working class? I go to every fucking state, I go to every fucking city, and I perform in front of fucking working class people. My job is working class.
It is. Being a stand-up comedian is a fucking working class job.
But then if you're fucking lucky enough to get to the level that I'm at, you finally fucking make money. But, dude, you're skipping over.
You're skipping over when I was in my 30s and had no fucking manager, agent, no wife, no kids, sleeping on a fucking futon, having to beat down the thoughts that I might be the guy that doesn't make it because 99% of us don't. Dude, go fuck yourself.
If you're going to pull that fucking card that I don't know what it's like to fucking work for, I'm a fucking self-made man. All right.
And you think I don't have relatives that are struggling and I don't listen to them. You don't think I don't talk to people after fucking shows.
Dude, you started off like really reasonable and now you're just being, now you're just a douche. Now you're somebody I'm just, I would walk away from if I was in a bar.
Been out of the working class for a long time. It took me into my 40s to fucking make it, you asshole.
Spent 20 fucking years on the road. You go fucking do that.
You go fucking play Chilkoot Charlies

and fucking Anchorage, Alaska

and sleep in a fucking bed

that is literally broken in half

fucking the long way.

Go fuck yourself.

I fucking hate when people do that shit.

Anyway, you were griping that people get upset

over landlords and rent slash housing prices when they should be upset with bankers and the food supply and whatnot, which they totally should. That shit is outrageous.
But you're kind of spaced from the immediate reality of coughing up nearly a mortgage for rent at some shitty place now. I'm not spaced from that.
I'm not spaced from that. Let me tell you something, you fucking cunt.
Do you know what happens when you make money? People that need it ask for it. You think I'm just fucking sitting here? You don't think I'm helping anybody out? You don't think I know what the fuck's going on? You're talking out your fucking ass.
I'm done with this fucking email. Fuck this guy.
Fuck this guy. I fucking hate that shit.
I fuck. I didn't.
All of a sudden, I never unloaded trucks. All of a sudden, I didn't have a pay proof from the time I was in third grade.
I kept delivering papers when I had a fucking car. I paid for my own fucking college education.
Go fuck yourself. I've been like, I'm fucking sitting here.
Well, I am drinking tea now. Oh.
Oh, my God. I, oh, my God.
I fucking. That reminds me of something somebody said to me one fucking time.
I can't get into the fucking details, but they found out a detail of my fucking life. And they go, oh, so this whole guy that you are is bullshit.
I wanted to reach across and rip the fucking voice box right out of their fucking neck. It's like, this is the thing about people.
You have no idea who they are or what the fuck they went through okay and you don't go around doing what that fucking cunt just did been out of the fucking working class for a long time go i i literally i i want to meet this fucking guy and i'm going to sit down and tell him some fucking stories of what the fuck you have to do.

And what's going on in the housing market right now is going on in this business.

In my business.

My business is over.

It's fucking over.

It was taken over by three tech nerds.

And all of these fucking content people that have been making shit for 100 years are going to go out of business. And there's going to be three fucking people.
And they're going to run all of it and they're not going to pay any of us shit. And making a movie or making a TV show is as difficult as it's ever been.
And they're just going to pay costs for everything and they're going to keep all the fucking money. That's what's going on.
Does that sound familiar? Doesn't that sound like whatever business you're in? It's just shrinking and there's like five people at the top making all the money and everybody else can go fuck themselves. But whatever, yeah.
Talk about me, talk about my fucking life and my fucking job because you know, because you know, because you do studies. Zero bill.
The answer is zero. All right all right girlfriend feels trapped by cuddles

well how how hard are you holding on to her hey oh this one might be the best one ever and very fitting of this podcast hey raging carrot catastrophe.

That's probably the most accurate description of me ever.

I need some of your wisdom here because my girlfriend just dropped a bomb on me.

Apparently, I'm smothering her with cuddles.

Well, then fucking back off.

Yeah, cuddles. I thought I was just being affectionate, but she says it's like being trapped in a warm, sweaty prison every night.
Her words, not mine. Yeah, dude.
There's a fine line between cuddling and holding somebody captive. I know exactly what she's talking about.
It usually goes the other way. You know when your girlfriend's just laying on your chest with her fucking hair on your face, and after a while it's will you fucking get off of me so i can i haven't i haven't had a decent breath of oxygen in like 17 minutes he goes look i'm trying to be the good boyfriend i go for the classic spooning thinking we're all having a nice cozy moment but no she's lying there plotting her escape like she's in the Shawshank Redemption.

Jesus Christ.

Just picturing a cat playing with a mouse.

Every time I wrap my arms around her, I feel like she's going to tunnel through the mattress to freedom.

So why don't you take the hint?

So now I'm stuck.

Do I ease up on the cuddles?

Yes!

And risk being called emotionally distant? You're not going to with her. She's clearly not a cuddle person.
Or do I keep going and get accused of being the clingiest guy since Velcro was invented? I'm sure you got a take on this. I could use some of your no BS advice before she declares a no cuddle zone.
Thanks and go fuck yourself. Our heat stroke hero.
Yeah, like. I don't I don't even know where to begin with this.
OK, this is for men and women. OK.
When you're in a relationship. Okay.
And the person says, stop that. I don't like it.
You stop. That's, that's basically it.
Now there's a lot of information out there for men about that. Not a lot for women.
I don't want to be a landlord. I don't give't give a shit be a landlord you know she should have been out there helping you clean that fucking place out um anyway i'm fucking upset with myself that i got let that guy get me so fucking upset but like you know we're supposed to all be on this is why we're human beings we can never get on the same page he couldn't just say what the fuck he felt without just inventing numbers and then trying to make me feel guilty because i bet on the fucking two zillion to one horse and it came in then all of a sudden i'm like fucking you know i'm out of touch with fucking reality anyway anyway you know what i'll be honest with you i think we're all kind of out of touch with reality because we're all living in our own fucking world on our phones it's a whole other fucking argument um anyway evidently i didn't drink enough tea today um this has been the podcast.
This is a fucking heated one. Started off silly, and then it got upset, you know? Got very upsetting.
It's like taking that family drive on a vacation. Your dad's all manic and excited for the first fucking half estate.
Then by the end of it, your mom's crying. All right.
I think I had that podcast. All right.
That didn't trigger you.

All right. That's the podcast.
Everybody go fuck yourself. I didn't even talk football this week.

I talked college football. I did do that.
Um, all right, I got to go. Um, that's it.