The Best Of (And Unheard Bits) - Part Nine

Coach, the energy out there felt different.

What changed for the team today?

It was the new game day scratchers from the California Lottery.

Play is everything.

Those games sent the team's energy through the roof.

Are you saying it was the off-field play that made the difference on the field?

Hey, a little play makes your day, and today it made the game.

That's all for now.

Coach, one more question: play the new Los Angeles Chargers, San Francisco 49ers, and Los Angeles Rams Scratchers from the California Lottery.

A little play can make your day.

Please play responsibly, must be 18 years or older to purchase play or claim.

Hello and welcome.

Sorry, Alice has just made me laugh.

Welcome to the best of my dad road porno.

And this week we are, we're doing it, guys.

We're doing sex.

We're gonna.

Alice, come on.

Take that lovely blouse off.

I guess I'd always sensed it, but I didn't know if you were feeling it.

And, like, okay, this is weird.

Who's top at bottom?

James, you can just watch.

Oh, it's hang on.

We're talking.

I think you've got the roughest end of the deal.

Yeah, my eyes, my eyes.

No,

we're going through the...

And Jamie's into chocolate body paint, as you know, so this is going to be really fun.

We're talking about all of the fun sex stuff that's happened in in Belinda Blink over the years.

Which I'm amazed we haven't done.

Like, in a show called My Dad Wrote A Porno, We've Waited Till Now to do a best of sex.

I'm actually amazed there are enough clips to fill this episode because sex is sometimes thin on the ground.

Yeah.

Do you know what I thought?

Is it erotica?

Was it ever supposed to be?

I guess it depends what the definition is, because if the definition of erotica is that it's erotic, then no.

But if it's that it's trying to be erotic, I do think he's trying.

Well, I just wonder if the sex scenes are there because he thinks they're important to the story.

It's a thrill with some sex scenes.

Well, I just think that, I don't know if we've discussed this before, maybe we have, but I don't think any of us had ever read erotica before we did this podcast.

So I don't know.

Maybe this is standard erotica.

Maybe this is good erotica.

Alice doesn't look convinced.

Well, only because I'm now realising that even though we've dedicated our lives to this, I still haven't read any erotica.

Right, exactly.

So not even before this.

Like, this is my only experience of, to be fair, erotica in the literary form or erotica in the bedroom, baby.

It's been a cold winter.

It has been a long, cold winter.

Speaking of that, in the course of studying these books, and I do think of us as sort of academics now of Rocky Flintstone studies,

we have in turn revealed rather a lot about ourselves.

Someone say too much.

Do you feel that way?

I definitely feel that way and would love a re-edit of the show, Jamie, if I may.

I think I've just said too much about the bedroom over time.

I mean, speaking of bedrooms.

Oh,

Jamie's got a sex story he wants to share.

I actually shared my bedroom with something quite thrilling the other day.

Are you actually good at like father, like son?

I don't talk about my sex life on the podcast unlike you, James.

But no, I was in Kenya

in a tent in the Masai Mara

and discovered.

Sorry.

Carry on.

And discovered that I was sharing the bedroom.

The bedroom?

It's a tent.

With a snake.

Oh.

Like a real fucking snake.

What kind of snake?

Okay.

I didn't know what kind of snake it was.

It was pitch black, obviously.

The snake or the space?

The space.

Lions were walking through the camp while I discovered it, so no one could leave their tents.

And they said that they had a whistle to kind of

use to actually

get people to come and help you.

But I didn't have a whistle.

All I had was a huge bottle of vodka, which I drank.

And then had to, on my own, get rid of this snake.

With after a huge bottle of vodka,

for Dutch courage, yeah.

Oh my gosh.

I love that other people packed a survival kit.

They packed a whistle.

They packed, I presume, like, you know, maps or like compasses or like the stuff that you take on a like DOV, you know, change your clothes.

I imagine a flare gun.

A flare gun on Safari.

Funny hell.

And you took a bottle of vodka.

Look, all I'm saying is that I'm glad I did because I didn't, it kind of numbed me to the horror that was a snake in my tent.

Because the next day I told our guide I had a snake in my tent.

And he was like, haha, whatever.

I've got a snake snake in my boots and he was like that's that's that isn't true it's impossible showed in the video and he was like oh my god that's a black mumba

now I don't know much about snakes but I think a black mumba is not good one of I think the most deadly snake in Africa it was a baby but still I don't care I don't care if it's a toddler I don't care if it's an old man I do not want it in my tent and then he was like oh you were lucky that mummy wasn't near Don't say mumba I know I know by the way you said that with that face as well also mummy would have been near that's the horrible thing oh my god well thank god you're still here takes on a different tone doesn't it when he's like you were lucky that daddy wasn't there

you're lucky to leave me reading oh my god i was at the thing the other day and this woman came up to me really drunk and she goes oh my god your daddy wrote a porner

daddy wrote a porner you are daddy wrote a porno daddy wrote a porno my daddy wrote a porno different show yeah totally different um but yes that was kind of a thrilling bedroom experience uh obviously not sexual i was gonna say you've really uh veered this off course.

We're talking about this.

Well, I just thought I'd share, you know, it was a huge moment in my life.

Because people will be thinking this, how did you get it out?

I

got my bottle of deodorant, which was the longest thing I could find, so not that long, and kind of

ushered it, coaxed it, that's a good word.

Ushered this way, please.

It looks like you're in the stalls.

Thank you.

I'd opened the zip like a little bit, but on lions walking through the, I cannot tell, I was so scared.

I was literally i'm gonna i'm not gonna survive this and i opened up the zip a little bit and luckily it kind of just slithered out and i just closed it and i just shoved loads of deet

like sprayed loads of deets oh god look at him gritting his teeth honestly it was so and then obviously i switched off my torch and it is pitch black and all you can hear are lions and there's a hippo that was sleeping like three feet away from my tent as well no way to speak about other people

and um and i just was like that

there could be anything in this fucking tent jamie you're in the masaimara of course course there's fucking animals around.

If anyone's intruding, it's you.

True, but I didn't think they'd be in my.

There's something about them being in my tent that was kind of just horrible.

The most shocking part of this story, I think, is that Jamie recorded a video whilst the snake was slithering through the tent where he's going, I'm so scared.

I'm so scared.

It's like, put your fucking phone down.

Why are you making content?

I just knew that you wouldn't believe me if I'd have come back and said there was a snake in your body.

It's a very sinister snake.

It is.

You can see its little tongue going,

the serpent tongue.

Well, we're glad you're alive.

Thank you.

Do you know what?

It actually felt really, it was kind of a, it's been a bit of a moment in my life because I think I'm quite a risk-averse person about things that are scary.

And it's really pushed me out of my comfort zone.

I feel like I kind of conquered something, not just the snake, but within myself.

I've come back a changed man, guys.

A baby snake.

A baby snake.

A baby black mumber.

Come on.

Come on.

Come on.

You know this is going to get logged as being a near-death experience.

You know, like this is going to escalate.

It's also also going to turn into, and I nearly got eaten by the lion.

You know, it's going to, it's going to really get snowballed over the years.

I think I'm downplaying it, if anything.

I feel like it's a very Rocky Flintstone-style diversion when I thought I was going to get a sex story to get that story.

I actually think that's very appropriate.

Fair, fair, fair.

I do think over the years, to Rocky's credit, we did learn things.

Oh, absolutely.

And also, he was innovative.

There were sex positions, sex actions, sex activities that he invented, I think.

Yeah.

Well, one of the most famous ones being HS2.

Oh, is that what HS2 starts on?

That's what I found out.

You know, there's been all this speculation of what HS2 is.

Yeah, so there was a chapter called HS2.

Yeah.

And whatever happened in the chapter, it was nothing to do with what we know HS2 is, is like a recently cancelled

policy.

And we were like, what on earth does that mean?

So go on.

Hump and skunk 2.

No.

Apparently.

Well, there you go.

There's a little factoid for the day.

Wow, that was really worth listening for.

I mean, I think that's got to be a fan favourite, hasn't it?

The Hump and Skunk, so we should definitely come to that.

Well, you know that I met somebody that said that they do every single sex thing that's on the podcast.

Shut up.

What?

Yeah, shut up.

No.

Him and his girlfriend, that's their kink that they do.

Obviously, not, you know, exactly, but they try and recreate.

Stop it.

Kink.

Yeah, yeah.

He listened to it in bed with his girlfriend, and then they would try and recreate whatever sex was in that episode.

What?

Oh, man.

Some of them are just not safe.

Like, as far as where you put bits of you and...

Well, exactly.

I think, you know, they did their best to recreate.

I don't think.

What a lot of mess.

He's never done like water sports, has he?

He does have some, like, you know, golden showers.

He's never done anything that's like

showers.

Trust you to bring up golden showers.

It's all quite sanitary, isn't it?

Exactly.

I mean, it's not.

It's absolutely not.

Sanitary?

Absolutely not.

I don't know why I said that.

None of it is sanitary.

And you definitely shouldn't eat any of the food after it's gone through the processes that he talks about.

But I suppose he's not.

he's sort of weirdly vanilla sometimes.

That's what I mean, exactly.

It is kind of pushing the boundaries, but only within a very, very safe kind of field.

It's all quite willy-wonkery.

Exactly, yeah.

Do you know what I've realised?

There's a bit of a Venn diagram with like sex and food with Rocky.

Like, often characters can't have sex without either incorporating food or swiftly having food afterwards.

Yeah.

So, do you think that that is reflective?

There are obviously Easter eggs, not, um, sorry, in the sex scenes, but there are Easter eggs throughout the books.

You know, they've never had an Easter egg.

I thought you'd

have Kinder Egg bonking through the kinder egg.

There's sometimes sort of little clues, aren't there, to like Rocky's kinks?

And I wonder if that's one.

What?

So you're saying, like, anytime Jamie sees his dad like having a turkey sandwich, maybe he's just, you know, finished.

Well, exactly, like spaghetti bolognese, like whenever he likes to get the best.

Okay, let's just get on with the clips.

Let's just do the clips.

Exactly.

The clips are coming, guys.

Please enjoy.

And do listen for a little unheard bit.

The flamboyant nightclub owner bowed and sat next to the contessa.

Good evening, my creatures of the puff.

What does that mean?

Zachariah cackled

as he retrieved a long, thin

cigar

from the huge sleeves of his scintillating robes.

He breathed in deeply, thoroughly enjoying the smoky goodness.

Rocky has never even smoked a cigarette out of the city.

This is really out of his comfort zone.

Belinda shivered with excitement as he slid his mouth to her lids

and filled her pussy with the hypnotic fumes.

Oh my god, she's got smoke up her chimney.

Oh,

that's a strange form of passive inhalation, isn't it?

Talk about Dick Van Dyke.

Oh my god.

Get a chimney sweep up there, honestly.

I've never heard of that.

I mean, I haven't heard of a Tamarix flute, so.

I don't know if that's how the Tamarix flute works.

Oh, is taking it?

Is it kind of like a vaginal bong?

I don't know.

Taking all ten of his fingers, Zachariah crimped her labia shut.

Crimped.

Oh, like when you're

make dumplings

or like a pie.

You just crimp the pastry.

That's gross.

So he's holding it in, a bit like...

Wait, it's a hot box.

It's literally a hot box.

Oh, my God.

Belinda's hot box.

Zachariah crimped her labia shut so she could feel the magical smoke marinade.

When Zachariah finally let go, Belinda twitched and jiggled on the spot in utter and complete utopia.

Is that where the phrase blowing smoke up someone's art comes from?

I think it is.

There's a variant on that.

Is that what it means all this time?

Yeah, Tamarix flute.

Contessa Lucia was never one to be left out.

And she quickly turned 180 degrees, pushing her perfect rear end into the sky.

Oh my god, they're literally going to blow smoke up her ass.

My God.

Zachariah didn't need telling twice.

and inhaled the cigar like a cavalry trooper.

Like an absolute bloody trooper.

He's a bloody trooper.

Look at that.

He's just inhaling That's it.

Cavalry or otherwise.

Sensually, he pushed a long drag of smoke into her bottom hole.

How long?

Am I crying?

Am I laughing?

I don't even know anymore.

Bottom hole.

Her bottom hole.

Within seconds, he had Belinda's legs wide apart

and he placed his nervous cock

into her pinky.

Into the pinky.

I can't look at either of you.

Oh my god.

It's gone from her understanding to her pinky.

No!

Into the pinky.

This little pinky went to market.

Oh my god.

This little pinky should have stayed at home.

Belinda moaned in pleasure, taking the odd moment to direct the kid's actions.

The kid, don't call him the kid.

Much like a driving instructor on a busy A-road.

Fifth gear, fifth gear.

Clutch!

Watch the pedestrian!

Once his penis was safely inside Belinda's lava.

You're now safe.

Docking complete.

Does she treat it like a safe?

For all of your valuables?

For your jewelry.

Yeah, exactly.

Cash.

Once his penis was safely inside Belinda's vault, sorry, Labia,

he started to gently thrust and took the opportunity to make some small talk.

Oh, brilliant, great time.

So, how are you?

Also, you know, he's just going to get too excited too quick and go a bit too quickly.

What do you do for a job, Belinda?

Oh, come on.

Thrust.

Thrust.

I'm an international sales director for a pots and pans company.

Thrust.

Thrust.

International

thrust.

Oh my god.

That's interesting.

Thrust.

Can I have some work experience?

Thrust.

Sorry?

Thrust.

No, you fucking can't.

Thrust.

I've got to go.

Thrust.

Belinda blinked.

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Coach, the energy out there felt different.

What changed for the team today?

It was the new game day scratchers from the California Lottery.

Play is everything.

Those games sent the team's energy through the roof.

Are you saying it was the off-field play that made the difference on the field?

Hey, a little play makes your day, and today it made the game.

That's all for now.

Coach, one more question.

Play the new Los Angeles Chargers, San Francisco 49ers, and Los Angeles Rams Scratchers from the California Lottery.

A little play can make your day.

Please play responsibly.

Must be 18 years or older to purchase play or claim.

She's female, don't forget.

Oh, multiples.

Yeah.

Yeah, you're right.

It's multiple in one, isn't it?

Serga.

What?

When women have an orgasm, they have multiple at once in one orgasm.

What do you mean?

Multiple in one.

What, like...

Like a a big one, like a turbo.

Buy one, get one free.

What do you mean?

When a woman orgasms.

Yes.

Yeah.

The reason it's so intense and happens less frequently than a man is to say.

What do you mean, less frequently?

More frequently.

James.

Women orgasm less frequently than men.

No, women can orgasm multiple times and it's not.

In a session.

Yeah, it's not about

fantastic.

Oh, God.

James is now straight.

Then why do women fake it?

Because it doesn't mean you can come when you want to come.

it just means that you in theory in one sitting let's say

in one go in one go

in one game of one sesh you could one roll of yahtzee yeah you could come lots of times you know wow because you know how guys like once you come you've got to have a bit of a rest yeah not so with women just keep going you are fascinating to me put him in a test tube alister me

put him on a petri dish i feel like this is a lot this we need to take this off podcast because there's more that I have more questions.

Should we just go out for a drink?

I think we need to.

No,

I don't mean like, and potentially get together and then I'll go somewhere else.

Yeah, that was more just to fill you in on, you know, everything you need to know.

Look at me till I sparkle.

What?

Belinda questioned internally.

How does that work?

A chubby finger wriggled like a worm, indicating her to come closer.

Oh, yeah, because she's covered entirely in latex.

Belinda teetered in the heels towards the dominatrix.

The closer she got, the better she could see.

Oh, no, what it's not latex, is it?

It's going to be like butter icing or something.

About three and a half paces away, it became clear that Mistress Sweet Juice's suit wasn't latex at all.

Oh, God.

Two and a half paces away showed.

Oh, God, it's mayonnaise.

Showed it was paint.

What kind of paint?

Like white chocolate paint.

Yeah, chocolate body paint.

One and a half paces away.

Why is she walking in half paces?

No.

Smoothed whipped cream.

Warm curdled body cream.

No thanks.

Half a pace away.

Cream cheese.

Right up close.

Not very creme fresh, if you know what I mean.

Belinda sank to her knees and began eating the thin layer of room temperature cream.

Oh my god.

Off her bubbly body.

Oh my god.

What do you mean bubbly?

Oh, you just mean curvaceous.

You don't mean it's got bubbly.

Like welts and boils and stuff.

Oh right, okay, fine.

I thought it was fizzing in the heat.

Oh my god.

The idea of anything other than refrigerated cream really is unpleasant.

The other thing is, how did she do it so quickly?

Didn't they just run upstairs and then she, like, what, ran in a room?

Oh, she'll have a whole team, James.

Come on.

She'll have a whole team.

She is Mistress Sweet Juice.

Jim kept fucking.

Belinda flexed her vagina lightly.

It's just a light flex.

She wanted Jim to fully complete his experience and thought he had had enough thrusting for his first trip out.

I'm just nervous he's going to like come dust or something.

It's just going to, oh my.

And just all just go just

flakes.

So grab it.

Benito tuna flakes.

Stop it.

Tuna flakes.

What?

Fish food.

Fish food.

Like little papery fish.

Yeah.

Oh, yeah, that you dusted on top.

Yeah.

Oh, God.

What?

It happened quickly.

Too quickly for Belinda.

Oh.

And suddenly she was swimming.

Swimming?

What?

Swimming.

In a sea.

What?

Of pale blue semen.

What?

I literally have no words.

Pale blue.

Is he coming bleach?

Toilet duck.

Spray that round the rim.

Get a couple of uses out of you.

Oh, God.

No.

Jim's big cock, now so handsomely matched with his big balls, had exploded.

He's got a monster dick.

He's a monster brick.

He's got a monster dick.

Jim was swaying all over the place.

Oh, God.

Belinda caught his stocky arms and held him firm whilst orgasming herself.

Nothing puts her off either.

Oh it's blue.

I have just come.

That is really creeping me out.

A loud roar engulfed the room.

Stella.

Jim Sterling had come.

Do they all look the same?

They being women?

Like, if you saw your vagina in a lineup,

I'd be like, why has someone produced this and how do I get it off the internet?

You know, if your vagina had robbed you or something and you had to identify it.

Could you spot your vagina?

Well, yeah, I mean, I'm sure you could spot your own, couldn't you, Al, but they do all look different, yeah.

You say that, but you obviously don't see your own vagina that often up close

just because of its location.

But because they've all got different hairstyles, right?

So you can see.

Oh, God.

It's not the Nolan sisters.

Jesus.

No, but some are more unkempt.

Some girls like keep them really close.

Yeah, but it's way more than that, James.

It's like anybody.

You know, is your penis the same as mine?

Oh, no, I could tell mine in a line-up.

You could tell yours in a line-up.

Yeah, number three.

But wait a sec, what are your identifying features?

Well, that I'm not going in.

That's far too personal as I mean.

But are you looking at the balls or the shaft?

A, don't say shaft.

B, I think you'd have to take everything into consideration what what's your most I suppose what's your proudest element

I mean is anyone proud of their balls oh surely not because they're not the one are they no it'd have to be the shaft all right all right full of it James

but no what I'm saying is that vaginas aren't different because of the hairstyle that they choose to wear we all stop saying hairstyle I know I introduced it but they are actually different like everybody is different so you know this has turned into such an after-school special I I love it.

It's like, James, every lady looks different because they're beautiful.

Exactly.

I mean, they all repulse you, like, universally.

So it doesn't matter what they look like.

So, what?

Like, the lips are like different?

Yeah.

Yeah.

Like, different sizes.

Different colours?

Yep.

Some have got a snarl.

Some real in me.

I wouldn't say they're personified, but yeah, sure.

So, you know, when people have designer vaginas, what do they do down there?

That interests me too, because I don't know what the standard is.

Like, I don't know what they're saying looks really good.

I would say, because I think it's quite common for them to not be symmetrical, like perfectly symmetrical.

So, I wonder with a designer vagina, if you're creating like some weird standard that doesn't really exist in life, everything's very

like very neat.

Because vaginas aren't really neat the way that like male genitalia isn't particularly neat.

Yeah.

But I wonder what they're using as a reference.

Because do you flip through a catalogue and go, I love, I love the proportions of A, but like 23, i'm loving like what they've done with the like internal vibes and the hairstyle on 58 is to die for i love the pal i love the hairstyle i'll take it

i'll take it wholesale and is it weird if you see a picture of a vagina in this catalogue that you like everything about it is that weird to completely copy someone's vagina yeah because they say it's like the biggest form of flattery don't they is it cloning somebody else's vag

imagine if you spot it'd be like oh my god that's my vagina just like swimming mats or something someone's getting changed and you're like wait a minute.

You're the crazy girl that stole my vagina.

Look, geez.

Oh my god, we're vagina twins.

So yeah, they all look different, is the answer to your question.

Belinda dove into his pubes, running the ringlets.

Dove into his pubes.

It's Christmas.

Belinda dove into his pubes, running the ringlets through her fingers like grated carrot.

That is one of the grossest things I've ever heard.

Oh my god.

What?

Oh my god.

What did she dive in there?

Her hand on her face.

Put her hand in his cube.

And it felt like grated carrots.

It's all like twirling.

She's just like twiddling it on her finger.

Do you know when you like peel a bit of carrot and it goes like into a rip like?

Oh my Christ.

Is that Abby Road Security?

I think we're getting a scupper out.

Running the ring.

The ringlets.

Pubes aren't ringlets.

Well, they kind of are ringlets, aren't they?

I guess it depends how thick the thicket is.

Corkscrew curls for you, James.

Running the ringlets.

Why would you run your hands through it?

Hank quietly ripped Belinda's evening gown

in two.

In two!

Completely exposing her thighs and pussy.

Oh, God, it's all happening so quickly.

He then took the ladle and trickled the now cooled sauce over belinda's breast oh for god's sake watching it slowly make its way down to her navel like two heaving calzone

this is so inappropriate in a restaurant after about two minutes it stopped and pulled at her shaven vagina oh my god

talk about meat flaps

sorry alison nobody was talking about meat

Once he had a big enough reservoir, he carefully opened her vaginal lids.

And what dropped a little spiral of spaghetti in there?

And let the sauce do its work.

Oh my god, it's going to be like a taco.

Fucking hell.

Belinda studied the operation closely.

Did it require just gravity?

Or was it the source that did the flowing of its own accord?

She decided to question Hank later on this technical matter.

Later, it's always best to ask in the moment.

Hank slightly pushed back the table, got onto his knees and licked Belinda clean.

Oh my god, they're in the middle of a restaurant.

There's nothing less appropriate.

Also, clean.

Clean!

What does that mean in this context?

Do you think she dabs it with a napkin afterwards?

Like when you dab the sides of your mouth, she just dabs the sides of a vagina.

Just goes one up the teeth.

Finished.

He made no sexual advance whatsoever.

That was a sexual advance.

He's licking tomato sauce out of her vagina.

He was hungry.

Dr.

Studd beckoned Belinda to sit down.

Dr.

Studd.

Has she come up with that or is that his name?

Dr.

Studd.

That's his name.

This is a proper porno.

What appears to be the issue, Dr.

Studd?

The issue is she's been in a coma for a week, and this is the first time you've ever spoken to me.

The issue is that James needs to watch more heterosexual pornography.

Are you going to put your thermometer in me, Dr.

Studd?

I've been a very naughty girl.

No, it's not naughty.

You get me naughty in hospital.

I'm presenting.

Very sickly.

I've got thrush, Dr.

Studd.

I've got a low platelet count, Dr.

Studd.

My blood pressure's all over the shop, Dr.

Stud.

I've got this unusual dermatological issue, Dr.

Studd.

Okay, you two are enjoying this way, way too much.

Could it be psoriasis, Dr.

Studd?

I think I need your cream for that, Dr.

Studd.

Was it wrong?

What's she wrong?

Intensive care seems a bit over the top, Dr.

Dr.

Dr.

Studd.

Oh, that's Dr.

Studd.

Coach, the energy out there felt different.

What changed for the team today?

It was the new game day scratchers from the California Lottery.

Play is everything.

Those games sent the team's energy through the roof.

Are you saying it was the off-field play that made the difference on the field?

Hey, a little play makes your day, and today it made the game.

That's all for now.

Coach, one more question.

Play the new Los Angeles Chargers, San Francisco 49ers, and Los Angeles Rams Scratchers from the California Lottery.

A little play can make your day.

Please play responsibly.

Must be 18 years or older to purchase, play, or claim.

Wanna try the hump and skunk?

Maeve asked them.

I dread to think what that is.

The hump and skunk.

The hump and skunk.

Is that going to involve drugs?

What dark magic was this?

Tony thought aloud.

Oh, wait, skunks.

Skunks, bums.

That's what I thought.

Like.

Oh, no.

Oh, don't.

That's the, I would say that's the most famous thing about a skunk.

Oh, what it smells.

The gas.

The gas.

Oh.

She's going to do a little fat.

What dark magic was this?

Tony thought aloud.

Maeve laughed heavily at Tony's sexual ineptitude.

It's simple.

Her teeth tittered.

You hump one of us while the other is eating the

eating

eating what?

A sandwich.

sandwich, please.

What a time to hesitate.

So disgusting.

Sorry, you are one of us while the other is eating.

Eating what?

Finish your sentence.

No, don't make me, please.

Eating

what?

A skunk.

You hump one of us while eating the other's asshole until full.

Until full?

What does that mean?

The full thing bothers me.

The full thing.

Fuck what?

Because precisely.

But how's he filling up?

The Humpenskunk.

Sounds like a dance move.

Do the Humpenskunk.

The Hump and Skunk.

Do the Shaken Vack.

It was true that Tony was yet to visit Kilkenny, but he was always happy to indulge in local customs when invited.

It's not a local Kilkenny custom.

Kilkenny are going to be up in arms.

If you are from Kilkenny, we are deeply sorry.

If you are from Kilkenny, confirm or deny.

Belinda didn't need telling at all.

She gleefully straddled Tony's head and spread her milky cheeks wide and taught.

God.

Fucking hell, your dad is a master of the language.

He really has enough to the moment.

That is an image I won't be forgetting.

That is beautiful.

His tongue entered through the wrinkled flesh rim and snuggled its way deep inside.

Snuggled.

Snuggled.

Why is everything so cutesy?

Wrinkled flesh rim.

You can't like stick your tongue straight in.

You probably can.

It's a bit of a tight squeeze.

I don't know, James.

No, yeah, me neither.

We've never done the hump and skunk.

Maeve, on the other hand, was going mad up front.

Maeve's like, you guys are stalling me.

She was heaving and hoeing like a plowman.

Like a plowman's.

Like a cheese sandwich.

Like a plowman.

Or a plowwoman.

A figure in the field.

A plowperson.

Very woke.

Thank you, guys.

She was heaving and hoeing like a plowman.

And she was a hummer.

Oh, God, what's she going to be humming?

What tune is she going to be humming?

Oh, God.

The tune was unclear.

Oh my god.

But her musicality was self-evident and joyous.

That's all you can ask for.

More than you can do, Alice.

So, you know.

Belinda was seeing her boss in a whole new universe.

She'd of course fucked his brains out before, but not many people in cookware distribution had their lion manager tating their rectal cavity.

Oh my god, Rocky!

What's got into him?

I don't know.

Why is he saying cavity?

But this was what made Steel's such a wholesome family business.

It is, isn't it?

It's the little cavity.

It's what people love about Steeles.

And here's a little unheard morsel.

But honesty, have you anything?

This is weird.

Just hear me out.

Have either of you ever found anything in the book, Sexy?

I mean, probably not.

That's a very rude question.

Is it confronting for you?

Yeah.

Are you both being honest because i actually have like you've got one yeah i would need a moment to think but go on well only because there is a particular character and actually it is the scenario that i think is it's gonna be so revealing oh my god as i'm saying it i'm like oh my god i have like a saviour kind of prince complex kink spooner a riguez

Oh, okay.

Ariguez, when he comes and saves Belinda from the side of the road, and is she lying in the road?

Are her breasts out or something probably sounds like it yeah it sounds like it um and he comes up and he's just this sort of like

you know knight in shining armor stranger yeah um he's got that lovely voice that you do you know like it's thank you oh so when Jamie does the

Margaret Rego voice you're getting a bit feeling a bit funny downstairs.

I don't know.

I just really like everything about that.

Oh my god.

He's, I know what you mean though.

He's very like cover of the Mills and Boone book, isn't he?

Exactly.

I imagine like the shirt open, very defined muscles, like pec cleavage.

Precisely.

And although I wouldn't have thought that's my bag, I think because the rest of the time, the stuff that Rocky does is he's like, and they're smeared in Vaseline and rolling in stew, and then they spit in each other's ears and like stick a lollipop in it.

Like, I think I just kind of like that it's a bit classic.

Yeah, it's a drop of water in a desert, isn't it?

Like, the moment you can get something to cling on to.

So now I've said that, right?

Like, quite into it.

I guess for that same reason, you've just made me think there's someone I've kind of fancied since the beginning.

Okay.

Oh, what?

Peter Rouse.

Really?

I've always thought he's got like a

Viking-y, Nordic vibe going on.

Like he's always described as quite chiseled.

And you imagine in that sort of like scandy

vermatan, like

yeah, I like a bit of that.

Even though he's Dutch, isn't he?

I'm thinking like Alexander Skarsgård.

His debut as well is very mysterious and powerful and it feels like he's got this sort of enigmatic almost like super nap, you know, with the rooms and everything.

So, there's this other element to him that makes him sort of like a fantasy pin-up.

That was quite strange, actually, thinking about it.

That wasn't.

Do you know what's interesting, though, that you've both gone for characters that are kind of more in the driving seat than Belinda?

Don't you dare psychoanalyze that.

Oh my god, he's trying to peg us.

No, not like that.

He's just trying to peg us.

Put that away.

No, don't peg us like that.

He's trying to peg us again.

Oh my God, why is he always trying to peg us?

Anyway, finish trying to peg us.

You got someone's eye out with that.

So I'm just going to peg you both

as

people that kind of like to be looked after, maybe.

I'm not saying that you're all subs, but.

There's definitely a rouse sub-dom thing going on.

And I guess Orriguez is...

Were you two like...

Was this your plan all along?

Look at me trying to wash my hands.

I'm like, definitely with yours.

Well, no, I think there is more of that because of the runes and the kind kind of yes.

Whereas with Origuez, it was more kind of like, as you say, be saved.

Disney, Knight in Shining Armor, kind of like that.

Maybe that's what you grew up with.

Those kind of fake ideals of what a man could be.

Whereas James, fascinating.

Okay, Jamie.

Well, what's your favorite moment?

What's the moment that gives you a rock solid?

I've never gotten hard enough to peg either of you reading these books, but if there was one

point that I

that may be kind of like, and this,

when I read it are you okay, it reminded me of something that I used to watch.

Oh, I can't wait to label him once he's told us.

So, Dr.

Studd.

Oh, when we discovered that that was a woman, it kind of reminded me of this porno that I watched

when I was really young called

God.

I don't, I was sort of joking, and now this is

like called Nurse Sadie.

I kind of want to look at

Sadie.

Give me a second.

Nurse?

Why was it called Nurse Sadie?

Why does he remember it so distinctly?

Look.

Nurse Sadie.

Was she a real nurse?

Oh, my.

She's not a real nurse.

She could be a real nurse.

That outfit doesn't look like a real nurse, is it?

1998.

Okay, that's it.

I mean, that is how I would imagine Dr.

Studd.

Right, exactly.

So, describe it, Alice.

She's leaning over a bit um so the strapline so it says nurse sadie and the strapline says no you didn't die

but you did go to heaven

excellent and it's a lovely woman with a sort of and i did many times so it's a sort of uh woman in a kind of bleached blonde crop she's wearing i think she's wearing a sailor's hat not a nurse's hat um whatever a nurse's hat is and she's got a very skimpy sort of white shirt dress on which unfortunately has opened to the navel and her bare breasts are showing.

She's also wearing a kind of garter or a sort of stocking with a lacy top.

Is that?

That's not

regulation for the NXS anyway.

What I'm finding distracting is there's a huge skeleton behind her.

It's very like first kind of sexual awakening vibes.

You know, like she's very kind of bombshell, isn't she?

Sorry, there's a cast list on the front that I just have to read out.

Starring Sadie, obviously.

Obviously.

Oh, is that the actual...

Seems so.

What just Sadie, like Madonna?

Oh, sorry.

Sadie Sexton.

That sounds like a Belinda Blink character.

Brittany Andrews,

Missy,

Shanna McCulloch.

Why is it a combination of stage names and like people we went to school with?

Randy Storm, Bobby Bliss, and Dee and Randy Lee.

Bobby Bliss.

What a cat.

Dee Lee is

Dee and Randy Lee.

Is that two people?

Yeah, I think they're sisters.

Oh.

The Huntsgards.

So what's the storyline?

What's it about?

I'm imagining Dr.

Quinn Medicine Woman.

Are you?

Wasn't she like a Frontiers woman?

Well, I can tell you exactly what it's about because it's on the back of the VHS.

So Nurse Sadie and her colleagues attempt to outsmart a vicious hospital administrator who puts profit above care for patients.

This is literally Rocky Flintstone material.

Can even hot babes.

It's so badly written.

There's like...

Yeah, it's hard to read, isn't it?

Can even hot.

No, sorry.

Can seven hot babes defeat one man who thinks with his dick?

God, I'm in.

I think it sounds pretty good, right?

Do you remember it?

I mean not the storyline, obviously.

But yeah.

So we think the man goes around the hospital and has sex with all seven and I quote hot babes.

I guess it's kind of like nine to five but set in hospital and you know a porno.

So sorry why are we talking about Nurse Age?

No, I'm just saying

I'm just saying that the Dr.

Studd element reminded me of Nurse Sadie.

I guess because it was such a formative sexual moment in my life.

Like, maybe on one of the first pornos I watched as a kid.

Why is he doing such serious fancy?

Why is he saying it like these are the things that inspired him

as an artist?

And he brings his hands together like he's...

He does a sort of like Tony Blair, you know, like the indexing from the map.

Don't cry for me, Nurse Sadie.

Look, what can I say?

It was the days before the internet.

You had to get your kicks where you could.

Hang on, where were you getting it from then?

You get it from on VHS.

You didn't have like people at school who, like, you would all swap pornos and like stuff.

No, that was nothing.

Gay and a girl over here in the 90s.

You were just playing hop scotch, both of you.

Getting that kicks the natural way.

Oh my god, I'm full abogastic.

What did he even ask that got us onto that?

You asked it,

anyway.

Ert Nee Way

That was probably an overshare.

Yeah.

Agree.

I can see why that's unheard.

Maybe it should have stayed that way.

And unsaid.

I mean, it probably should have stayed in my mind.

So apologies for that.

Oh, my God.

Can you imagine if Nurse Sadie listens to this podcast?

Oh, my God.

Footnotes, guys.

Anyone?

I couldn't meet her.

I'd be far too starstruck.

Don't meet your childhood heroes, eh, Jamie?

But thanks for listening.

That was another really fun kind of trip down memory lane and

maybe a longer trip for some of us and others.

But yeah, we'll see later on.

Can I just say the body language in this room right now is so changed.

We're all arms crossed.

I thought pegging was the low.

Coach, the energy out there felt different.

What changed for the team today?

It was the new game, Day Scratchers from the California Lottery.

Play is everything.

Those games sent the team's energy through the roof.

Are you saying it was the off-field play that made the difference on the field?

Hey, a little play makes your day, and today it made the game.

That's all for now.

Coach, one more question.

Play the new Los Angeles Chargers, San Francisco 49ers, and Los Angeles Rams scratchers from the California Lottery.

A little play can make your day.

Please play responsibly.

Must be 18 years or older to purchase, play, or claim.