S1E1 - 'The Job Interview' REMASTERED

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Hello, it's Jamie Morton here, and it has been 10 years since my dad Rodiporno came kicking and screaming into the world.

I can't believe it.

The time has flown by.

I mean, who would have thought that my dad's erotica would have taken over the world the way it has?

It truly is a damning indictment of the culture.

But to celebrate, we decided to go back to where it all began and remaster season one.

Because I won't lie, it was a dawn of podcasting and we recorded each episode in our really quite noisy kitchens.

And yes, the hum of a fridge may be charming, but the audio quality was about as good as my dad's writing.

So we've given them a bit of a fluffing, but don't worry, the originals are still there in our feed for anyone who has an emotional attachment to terrible production values.

But we thought you might like to listen to a version worthy of Belinda.

And of course, the great Rocky Flintstone.

So sit back and enjoy the whole of Belinda Blink 1 in crisp, clean clarity.

It's a wild ride.

The following podcast contains adult themes, sexual content, and strong language.

Basically, all the good stuff.

Jamie, why are we here?

We're here because my dad's written a porno.

Your dad's written a porno.

Erotic literature.

Why?

James, Alice, thanks very much for doing this with me.

No problem, Jamie.

There aren't that many people I would want to be sat around a kitchen table with reading out my dad's erotic literature.

I can't believe we made the cut.

Well, we go back a long way, Alice.

What can I say?

I can't trust this sort of material with my new friends.

So, guys, this podcast is going to be pretty simple.

It's basically going to be me and you two, and I'm going to be reading a chapter a week of my dad's porno novel.

What's it called?

Well, do you want the full title?

Yes,

because it is called Belinda Blinked.

Belinda Blinked.

Belinda Blinked.

Is that her name?

Belinda's her name.

Hot.

Yeah.

It's a sexy name, isn't it?

I think dinner lady.

And then I think, what's she going to do?

What's she going to serve up?

Sexy dinner lady.

I don't know whether he's confused winking and blinking, because blinking isn't the most sexy.

That makes me think like ophthalmic issue.

It's very alluring, isn't it?

I think cataract.

To blink at someone.

And maybe just because of the alliteration, he wanted it to be B.

And there's no other word that begins with B, so blinked.

But the real title, to give it a full title, is Belinda Blinked One.

A modern story of sex, erotica, and passion.

How the sexiest sales girl in business earned her huge bonus by being the best at removing her high heels.

At removing her high heels.

That's the title.

Whoa.

Yes.

I thought that was the blurb.

No, that's the title.

He's used up a lot of his word count there, hasn't he?

He just couldn't get that on Twitter.

I don't know how I'd feel if my dad wrote porn.

I don't know how I'd feel if anyone I knew wrote porn.

Weirdly, I don't feel that weird about it, which people are quite surprised about.

Evidently, you're like broadcasting it.

I'm loving it.

Well, I do think it's great that he feels comfortable enough to share his innermost fantasies with the world.

He heard about the success of, um,

as he says, 50 colours of grey, 50 shades.

I don't think he actually read it.

I just think he heard that it was very successful.

I think he got a bootleg copy.

Him and my mum have both been quite into the self-publishing.

Oh, goodness, I didn't know how that sentence was going to end.

they got a bit carried away.

And they started off doing like little travel guides, and now they've gone into porn.

Well, he's gone into porn.

Mum's very much against it.

That's the problem with self-publishing, isn't it?

There's no quality control, like anyone can do anything.

What are you suggesting, Jones?

It's not quality literature.

I'm suggesting we're on a roller coaster ride of

quality.

I think it's a bit of fun, isn't it?

For a 60-year-old man to just write about.

So, the 60-year-old man in question is your dad.

Yeah.

We will be referring to him by his pen name.

His pen name is Rocky Flintstone.

How that wasn't taken blows my mind.

And if you Google Rocky Flintstone, he's the first hit.

How did he come to that?

Well,

I think he's a fan of the Flintstones.

And maybe the movie Rocky.

But Rocky Flintstone is genius.

It is quite pornography.

So mine would be Matilda Dartfire.

Yeah, if you will.

We didn't grow up on a street called Flintstone.

And we didn't have a pet called Rocky, so I don't know where he's got it from, but it kind of works.

But he will be referred to henceforth as Rocky.

As Rocky, Mr.

Flintstones.

To admirers.

So you're cool with it.

How does your mum feel about it?

Mum's less cool about it.

Definitely.

Mum's like this uber feminist, and she is not happy.

I think she's mainly unhappy that people are going to think it's about her or about

well.

I want to say right here, right now, she is not.

And she has made that very clear.

I have so many questions.

So, when you first presented this work of art to us.

We should say, I have three sisters, and my dad decided to give me, as the only son, the preview pages of Blender Blink, and I had to share it with you guys the minute I started to read it.

In fact, what an inheritance.

Seriously, you can't tax that.

It was brilliant.

It was Christmas, wasn't it?

We were having a Christmas dinner, and you thought it was wise to bring the draft copy.

Well, we'd had quite a few bottles of wine, and I thought, do you know what?

This party's going nowhere.

So let's get Rocky involved.

We haven't actually read anything beyond the first chapter.

Well, we've read the preliminary draft, we haven't actually heard the finished product.

How that can be polished, I don't know.

It was a work of art, it was.

The version I've heard should not be altered apart from the odd typo.

Rocky, believe it, it's perfect.

So, am I right in thinking that

this is in no way

autobiographical?

Correct.

But

your dad has drawn perhaps on some of his fantasies.

Is it fair to say?

I think that's fair to say.

That's why I think you should feel uncomfortable.

So, should we read the blurb?

Oh my goodness, we haven't even got to the blurb.

I know, seriously.

Okay, ready?

Belinda Blumenthal.

We stop there.

That is the least sexy name I've ever heard.

And that's why I should again.

I think I'm sensing a theme.

Belinda Blumenthal.

Belinda Blumenthal gets exciting, solicited sex regularly.

So regularly, in fact, she makes big bonuses from it.

Based in London, UK, Belinda works for Steel's Pots and Pans as their worldwide.

Whoa, whoa, whoa.

Rewind.

What?

Pots and pans.

Pots and pans.

Again, it is the sexiest of industry.

I don't think if you work in pots and pans, you call them pots and pans.

I feel like there's a more official title, like you'd work in kitchenware.

Hi, I'm head of pots and pans for a major distributor.

Well, she's a sales director, so she doesn't work directly with the pots or pans, to be fair.

My apologies.

You're right, it is sexy.

Sorry.

What kind of men work in the pots and pans business?

I think we're about to find out.

Sexually supported by Giselle and Bella, her head office colleagues,

Belinda always gets the order when it comes down to the bare facts.

The client base is large, so Belinda has the whole world to fuck.

And boy, does she get stuck into it?

Okay, so this is the first book.

This is the blurb.

You haven't even bought the book yet.

Oh, my goodness.

This is the first book in the Belinda Blinked series.

This is the first book.

It's a series.

Of how many?

I mean, sky's the limit.

Oh, my God.

So optimistic.

Dad wants to do,

he wants there to be a series like

Belinda Blinked in Saudi Arabia,

in North Korea.

I think he's interested in mixing his two passions, Belinda and travel.

So this is going to be a franchise.

Oh, yeah.

He's going to be on Oprah in no time.

This is the first book in the Belinda Blink series where she gets hired by Tony, her managing director, and then goes on to make some sales headway by bringing on board a large European customer, Peter Rouse.

Or Peter Rouse.

Oh, maybe it is Rouse.

Peter Rouse.

And makes his initial inroads to the North American market through Jim Sterling.

Has he accidentally copied and pasted like some business blurb in there?

Actually,

when he was telling me about how he was going to market Belinda Blinked one on any sort of internet search, the keywords are lesbian, erotica,

and business and leadership.

That are going to be reams of students on business Studies going, oh my God, Belinda blinked.

So I take off my blouse.

It's like you've just looked at my search history.

Read about the sexual conquests these men make and how the mysterious Duchess makes Belinda alive.

I'm excited about the Duchess.

Wait a sec.

Is it the conquest of the men or is it about Belinda and also the Duchess?

Oh my God.

And how the Mysterious Duchess makes Belinda alive to the sexual fantasies of the hot riding set through supple black riding boots, jodpers and leather-handled whips.

So this turns into kind of an equestrian.

I think on one side he's got E.L.

James, the other side Giddy Cooper.

I think that's where he's mainly.

And on the other side, a kind of like business user manual.

And Fred Finstein.

Okay, so

shall we go for it?

Shall we do chapter one?

Oh my god.

We are going to stop you, Jamie.

You can't stop me too much, though, because, you know, there's a rhythm to these things.

So what's chapter one called?

Chapter one is called The Job Interview.

Nothing sexy about that.

This isn't, I feel like this isn't going to be enough.

You You haven't been applying for the right jobs, James.

Okay, are we ready?

No, I'm not.

I don't know if we are.

Take us a look at beer, Alice, before we've done.

Okay, so Belinda blinked.

Chapter one, The Job Interview.

Belinda blinked.

Sorry.

So that's why it's called Belinda Blinked.

We still don't have much light on the subject, to be honest.

Belinda blinked.

It wasn't a dream.

The job interviewer had just asked her to remove her jacket and silk blouse.

What a great dream that would be.

The managing director across the desk, who had innocently brought her through from reception, smiled and nodded at her.

Slowly, with the hint of a tease, Belinda removed the two garments.

Her black brazier was doing overtime to contain her full breasts.

Okay, right.

Let's pause for thought.

Let's stop there.

Why is she wearing an ill-fitting bra?

I don't think that it's ill-fitting so much as her breasts breasts are so ginormous that it's working hard to contain them.

It's working hard, though.

It's not failing.

It's in overtime.

I've got this image.

I've just got this image of them kind of, I don't know, spilling out a muffin top situation.

Bulging.

Many women, as Trini and Susanna taught us, are wearing the wrong size bra.

So maybe Rocky saw that all those years ago and is kind of weaving that into the narrative.

A bit of social commentary on the way that women dress.

I like that.

Also, love the use of braziere because bra, not as as sexy as brazier.

I mean, to me, so far, nothing's been sexy.

But

you're talking about she blinked right at the beginning.

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Her black brazier was doing overtime to contain her full breasts.

She had worn this one for today as it was tight-fitting on purpose.

She never thought it would be exposed in such a simple way.

Pause.

So it's been exposed in a simple way.

The only way to expose something by taking away the thing that has concealed it until now.

I mean, I think maybe he's getting at the fact that, you know, it wasn't an elaborate situation that got rid of the garment.

She was asked to do it.

She did it.

It was simple.

She's just sat there in a bra.

This is just bizarre.

The MD got up and took her blouse and jacket.

He hung them onto one of two elegant wooden coat racks in the corner and sat back down.

What next, Belinda thought?

The interviewer resumed his questioning of her CV and after about five minutes, asked her to remove her Neiland skirt.

Belinda stood up, removed the offending garment, and passed it with some surprise to the MD.

Surprise?

She's removed everything else.

Why is she not questioning any of this?

Why does she not the offending garment?

She's got a skirt on.

Underneath, she was wearing a skimpy black thong and sexy black stockings, which she didn't apologise for.

The number of times I've felt the need to apologise, and I just haven't about my skimpy underwear.

After all, she was an upmarket woman.

I mean, we've established this.

Every upmarket woman

removes all of her clothes in a job interview.

Belinda has class.

That's what we go.

She does.

She's a classy lady.

She sat down again and crossed her long legs.

She knew they look good, but she really felt she wanted to keep her private pussy area hidden.

I'm sorry, what?

That's like three words for the genitals.

Her private pussy area.

Private pussy area.

Also, what's a public pussy area?

And also, what's area?

How much land does that cover?

A private pussy area.

That could be from knee to hip.

Belinda leaned back on the white leather seat and started to gently sweat.

Erotic.

Oh.

Nothing sexier than a sweaty lady.

After a further ten minutes of questioning, the MD got up and walked around to Belinda.

He gently pulled her stockings down to her ankles.

He removed her bright red high heels and stuffed the stockings inside them.

Oh my god.

They were placed under the coat rack by the interviewer.

Belinda was now feeling exposed.

Because her socks have gone.

She's now exposed.

Now she's exposed.

She's a classy lady, I mean.

She's just like those calves have a chill.

Belinda was now feeling exposed.

With only a bra and thong left, she thought total nakedness was not far away.

Or nakedness, as it's called.

And then what?

And then what?

Her skin?

Are you going to shave her head?

Shave her private pussy area.

Oh, my God.

Well, then it would be a public pussy area.

I'm starting to gently sweat now.

The MD then surprised her by saying they wanted to offer her the job as a sales director.

Oh,

surprised me.

Fantastic.

I love that she's the same level as surprised that she got the job as when she's being asked to strip.

She's just like constantly surprised.

And is that the only reason that she got the job as sales director?

Well, this is the question.

I feel like that's what's going to develop.

Oh, hang on.

I didn't finish the sentence.

Oh.

The MD MD then surprised her by saying they wanted to offer her the job as their sales director today on completion of a few further details.

Oh, that's going to be something sexy, surely.

Belinda was surprised.

Oh,

surprise.

Belinda was surprised as the job was worth £85,000 a year, plus the car and all the travel perks.

So she nodded her head.

Didn't even say yes, just nods her head.

Why'd she say passive?

Just say great, dream job, brilliant.

Has she said a word?

Oh, she's not said a single word.

With her agreement given, the MD MD walked behind her and unhooked the tight black bra over.

Whoa, whoa.

Her agreement was given to the job.

She hasn't asked about the bra.

I don't remember him mentioning the bra.

Maybe I missed it in all the excitement, but I swear he just mentioned the £85,000 a year in the travel perks.

Now, if he'd mentioned the bra, I'm not sure she would have been so obliging.

Belinda's breasts plunged to freedom, and her nipples immediately stood under.

Still on end.

What did you see?

Still on an And her nipples immediately stood to attention.

Wow.

How are they plunging?

How old is she?

Can I get a high five for my favourite bit so far?

Thank you.

So.

Her nipples are stood to attention.

But her, yet her breast

plunged.

I just think Rocky is mistaken in thinking that women would like anything on their person to plunge when layers of clothing are removed.

I mean, I dread to think what's going to happen when she takes the knickers off.

The MD sat down and appraised her, whilst the interviewer calmly asked her to stand up and remove her thong.

Sorry, where have two people turned up from?

I almost thought there was just one.

Yeah, we have a brand new character, an MD and an interviewer, and they're separate.

They are, yes.

So the thong is about to come off.

Oh my god, is this where I get sexy?

Her shaven pussy was revealed with.

Oh, sorry.

Good morning.

Her shaven pussy was revealed with just a delicate runway of dark pubic hair guiding any viewer to the top

guiding any viewer to the top of her vagina.

If you need guiding there, you've already gone wrong.

Right.

If you've got that far, where else are you going to go?

Like, it's either thigh, tummy.

I mean, like, you're in the right area, aren't you?

Like, why, like, yeah, why do you need like an arrow pointing to be fair?

It is guiding the viewer to the top of her vagina, right?

So, if you're looking for the top, kind of like a this way up arrow, maybe it's an arrow, maybe that's what it is: an arrow of pubes, or like a dotted kind of like you know like a dotted line on a runway now sit down and relax miss blumenthal obviously said the interviewer yeah now now is the time to relax when you're farmer the cucumber

said the interviewer in fact just spread your legs wide so we can get a good look at your internal attributes internal how far inside do they want this is my little interview i mean it's thorough you know to be fair to them it is an 85 000 pound a year job with a car and travel travel perch yeah and apparently a medical i really hope the MD is a trained gynecologist.

Belinda lay back in the leather chair and spread her legs wide as requested.

Her vaginal lids popped open and her labial pinkness.

Let's stop there.

I mean, I'm no expert on the vagina.

Alice, maybe you can align us.

Does a vagina have lids?

I have never thought of it as a Tupperware box.

The vaginal lids popped open.

Hang on.

Let's just let that percolate for a while.

It gets worse.

Her vaginal lids popped open and her labial pinkness was there for them to assess wow what so much to talk about so not sexy is her vagina a calm boot it's not sexy you don't think this is sexy i'm not that turned on no but it is my father's erotic fantasy of labial pinkness sorry stop here yeah what do you think when you know that your dad wrote that sentence

i think he needs to hang out with my mum a bit more.

I think we should get a rocky, maybe a little, you know, birds and bees book.

Maybe.

But maybe that's what he had, a pop-up sex book.

And that's why I think that the masculine smart.

She quickly became moist and a runnel of liquid trickled down her left lower thigh.

Her left lower thigh.

That's me.

Wow.

So she's sweating.

There's runnels.

She'll be dehydrated as.

The MD then said, my name is Tony.

Now's the time for an introduction.

He's literally just introducing himself.

I love Tony.

What a ledge.

And you will.

My name is Tony, and you will report directly to me.

Bill here is our human resources director, and he's available to you at all times.

You might need him, as you have a direct staff of 28, some of whom may need fucking off.

Okay.

Can you imagine if Belinda was your line manager?

That should be quite, she'd be quite a fun line manager, wouldn't she not?

She doesn't say anything.

Exactly.

Get away with murder, you'll be naked.

She'll have been nodding and blinking.

Imagine you're in a meeting.

You'd be like, put your vagina away, Belinda.

Belinda, babe, put a bra on.

Your lids are popping.

Belinda nodded and asked, which was to her the obvious question.

What an unusual.

The syntax has taken a very unusual turn.

When are you guys going to fuck me?

Now she speaks.

She's been nodding, and that's her first thing that she does.

It must be about 45 minutes since they've met her.

I mean, that's her father's question as well.

Not like, you know, how many thousands of pounds worth of travel perks do I get a year?

As

female protagonists go, she's very passive.

So far, you know, maybe she's a slow burn.

I just feel like

I just feel like she's doing a lot of nodding, a lot of smiling, blinking, blinking, you know.

Blinking turn 40.

That's her calling card, granted.

Yeah, I just, I mean, this is a very forward move for Belinda, but you don't think that that shows that she's quite a strong character, you know.

She's just

she's just got things to do, she just wanted to wrap this up.

So, when are they gonna fucking

sounds like Jamie's got places to be too?

Don't want to be Belinda about it all, but so Belinda is like business, isn't she?

She's like, when are we gonna do this?

Well, this is the story about how a woman got to the top of business, so yeah, all business doesn't say what business, not a specific business, business Business.

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When are you guys going to fuck me?

Tony quickly replied.

Well, Bill here never will, as it's not his area of responsibility.

Responsibility?

Charming.

Is it in his contract?

Also, it's like no one's responsibility.

I don't want like some pity shag from Bill.

Bill will tell you what your pension is, but he will not have so much.

He will observe you stripping in a job interview, and he will also tell you what you should be putting away weekly as a savings scheme.

He has got the employees' interests at heart, that's for sure.

I hate Bill.

Yes, is this the end of Bill?

Say what you think.

I hope Bill gets killed in some weird sex game.

Oh, they've turned.

Well, Bill here never will as it's not his area of responsibility and I might depending on how hard you work for me.

But let's get to the point, Belinda.

The reason we put you through this scenario is to ensure your positive reaction to certain members of our customer base who will definitely try you out so try you out this is ridiculous i'm sorry like when you take it in you don't read you know erotica no i don't read erotica can i stress that as someone who doesn't either but i i would imagine sure you don't you know we aren't looking for catcher in the rye are we like this is this isn't plot isn't the most important thing here yeah but at the same time i mean

I mean, this has to never happen.

It wouldn't happen, but you know.

Maybe this is the pots and pans industry.

Maybe this is is just an area that we just don't know about.

Maybe dance onto something.

It's an expose.

Maybe pots and pans are filthy.

Oh my god.

So I have to ask you here and now: does this give you any problems?

Belinda blinked.

Oh, she's blinked again.

She's definitely got something in her eye.

Belinda blinked, shook her head, and said, as long as I have your and the company's backing, I will do whatever is necessary to make the sales happen.

I think this shows that she's

that, and I have to disagree with you, Alice.

I think this shows that she is a strong character because she knows what she wants and she is unafraid to go an unorthodox route to success.

And I think that should be championed in our society.

Good for her.

She got the job, I suppose.

I mean, it's a success story.

She did wear that brazier on purpose, if we recall from paragraph one.

And she didn't apologise for a stop.

She didn't apologise for it.

And I imagine that's how she means to go on.

Great character.

Well written.

Great.

Better than Bill.

Well done, Belinda, said Tony, as a large smile crossed his rugged features.

Patronising.

Well done.

Tony's starting to sound quite handsome.

Do you like Tony?

I think I do.

I always imagined Tony to be really narther, actually.

I thought he'd be like, well done, Belinda.

Oh, should I be doing voices?

I haven't even thought about it.

Maybe chapter two, we can introduce them voices.

Shoes and introduce them.

Tony then dismissed Bill.

Oh, Bill's gone.

Yeah.

I think Tony thinks the same as we do.

Dismissed or fired.

Either way, he's out of there.

Tony then dismissed Bill and said to him as he left the room, send in Giselle with the contract.

Giselle.

I mean, come on.

I think we all know what Giselle's going to look like.

Who works for a pots and pans company?

It's called Giselle.

After a few minutes, a 26-year-old, stunningly attractive, blonde-haired girl joined them with a notebook and a sheaf of papers in hand.

Is Belinda still naked, by the way?

I think we're about to say that.

Affirmative.

Yeah.

Put the paperwork down, Giselle, and meet Belinda, our new sales director.

Belinda stood up, still totally naked.

Okay.

Thank you.

And shook Giselle's hand.

Polite.

Not appropriate, though.

If a naked woman was stood in front of me, I wouldn't go, nice to meet you.

And shake her hand.

I don't think Giselle's got it going on upstairs.

Don't say she doesn't have to.

Pay attention.

Belinda shook Giselle's hand.

Touche.

In response, Giselle held Belinda's face in her hand and kissed her fully square on the lips.

In response.

To a handshake.

To a handshake.

Giselle's not been brought up right.

Can I

This is all one sentence.

So I think I should maybe try.

Yeah, if you do it in one.

I'm going to have to.

In response, Giselle held Belinda's face in her hand and kissed her fully square on the lips.

Belinda instinctively opened her mouth and Giselle's tongue snaked in and they both shared the touching of ecstasy.

At that magical moment, Giselle started to strip off.

It didn't take long as she wasn't wearing any underwear.

And Belinda thought, This girl does this too often for it to be a once-in-a-lifetime event.

I'm with Belinda.

I mean, that's what I was thinking.

Really?

Who removing clothes is a once-in-a-lifetime event?

I think people getting naked in an office should, you know, never happen.

However, Giselle was a magnificent creature.

Tits that were to die for and an ass that was so tight, even Belinda felt tested, though she was equal in every respect, and in all truth, felt she had better shape boobs.

So to me, that kind of says that Belinda, you know, she's young.

She's got, I mean, we were thinking about the plunging before.

Yeah, this is real insight, actually, into Belinda's physique.

Because Giselle's got tits that were to die for, but Belinda feels that her breasts are better shaped do we think that means she's older than Giselle because she's kind of comparing but going actually I'm better

possibly with soft deft actions she soon had Belinda gasping Belinda could only respond by sucking Giselle's breasts and teething her nipples vigorously oh my god there must be other options what do you mean she could only respond that way

Thumbs up, peace sign.

There's loads of ways to respond.

Applause?

Applause.

Teething on her nipples.

Teething.

Giselle's going to be red roar.

It seems to be getting into the kind of

graphics to last sentence.

We're on the last sentence.

Not bad for a final interview for the job of her dreams.

So that was chapter one.

I think at all stages of reading this book, we should never forget that your dad wrote this from his mind.

Yeah.

And that is both scary and no, it's just scary.

It's kind of brilliant as well,

You're jealous that Ken hasn't got it.

Don't you drag Ken into this without offending?

Hell yeah, let's not use people's real names, all right?

So next week, we're going to be tackling chapter two, which is called, General Please,

The Leather Room.

Stop it.

I know.

Wipe clean.

So, are you turned on?

Are you not turned on?

Do you have questions about anatomy?

We can answer them all.

Get in touch with us.

You can either tweet us via at dadrotaporno, email us, mydadrotaporno at gmail.com, or find us on Facebook.

Mydadrotoporno is the name of the page.

How many emails do you think we'll get from people who are in the same boat as you, Jamie?

I'm hoping many.

We can make a fraternity.

And you can buy the book.

You can buy the book.

Yes, you can buy the book.

If you just Google Blinderblinked, the first hit, I think, is Amazon.

You can get it on Amazon.

You can get it on iTunes, I think.

Scribed, you can get it in many different formats.

So, have a download, have a read, read along with us next week.

I think that's the best way to do it.

I think to read along at the same pace, and it's not a lot to read week by week.

But nothing can beat your 60-year-old father writing porn.

Good night, kids.

Thanks for listening.

We get it.

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