The Best Of (And Unheard Bits) - Part Eight

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Hello, and welcome to The Best of My Dad Rotoporno.

Today we are delving into all things Rocky Flintstone.

Not his writing, The Man.

Mind, Body, and Soul.

Indeed, the myth, the legend.

And And what a mind, what a body, and what a soul.

I've missed him, actually.

I haven't seen him in a while.

I was wondering when was the last time you guys saw him, yeah.

How's he doing?

Probably last summer or something.

How's he doing?

He's currently in Brazil, obviously.

I was going to say, I assumed.

We do email occasionally.

And without me asking, I do get an update on the temperature in Brazil, always.

What he's been doing that day, often sunbathing.

Or actually, he's doing quite a lot of DIY.

A lot of work.

They had a termite infestation.

Because I guess they haven't been there since pre-COVID, I guess.

So

the house was in a bit of

tatters.

Well, and obviously this week, or recently at least, it's been a carnival in Brazil.

Yeah, indeed.

Yeah.

I'm sure he's been wearing a big feather headdress and dancing around the streets.

That'd be more covered up than we're used to seeing him in Brazil, isn't it?

He's usually quite scantily clad.

Only time he wears clothes.

Yeah.

But oh, yeah, he's good, I think.

It's mad to think of him because obviously he is an eccentric Irishman.

in Brazil.

Like, he doesn't scream Brazil, does he?

But then he comes back and he's super tanned and he's wearing the outfits and it's just like that's where he was always meant to be.

Yeah, maybe a right spiritual home.

He's not Brazilian, but he thinks it.

Knows it?

Knows it?

Some bastardization of his work.

Yes, but I thought before we get into the best of kind of clips of dad and the stories that we've had of him over the years, that we could maybe talk about a few of our favourite memories of him that we haven't ever told on the podcast.

Oh, these are the more valuable bits I would have saved for my autobiography or something like that.

Right, exactly.

Yeah, your intimate relationship with Rocky Vincent.

Okay, fine.

Or a tell-all book that we do on Rocky One Day, or maybe even just a tabloid splash.

Oh, in Bella magazine, we could do a little tie-in, couldn't we?

So I was going to go first because there's a story.

I can't believe I never have said this on the podcast.

And it was one of those things I had to text one of my sisters about just to check that it did happen.

Right.

Because I blocked it out and you'll see why.

But it's so oddly fitting.

Uh-oh.

Years ago, I was probably about 14, maybe 13, 14.

We were driving to France on vacation.

That better be in there.

Flunch better be in there.

Oh, Flunch is coming, don't you worry.

Well, yeah, we were driving to France and it was in the dead of night because that's what dad liked to do.

He liked to drive through at the night, you know, maximize the holiday, blah, blah, blah.

Is he a safe driver?

Is he a slightly like a good driver, actually?

Is he?

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Does he drive very fast?

No, he's actually all right.

He would not stop for any sort of toilet break or refreshment break ever.

That's crazy.

Phenomenal.

You would have to just like sit in the car and, like, well, you're in it for about nine hours.

So

anyway, we were driving and it was at night.

And I think we were all kind of like asleep, like dozing off.

He's just driving.

And he was listening to an audio book that he'd, I think, borrowed from a friend.

Oh, how modern.

Yeah.

And then all of a sudden, in the novel, the woman character starts to get aroused.

And she moves over to the male character

and unbuttons his trousers.

How sweet Jesus was

sucking him off.

No, no.

Described in excruciating detail.

That's not true.

This is true, honestly.

And so we're all like asleep and we're like,

am I dreaming this?

What the fuck?

And I'm like, he didn't switch it off.

He was just driving away.

Is your mum asleep at this point?

Mum's asleep.

We're all just like listening.

And I texted my sisters to be like, did I imagine this?

To paint a picture for people if they've forgotten, there's about 30 Mortons.

So there's a car packed full of kids.

Yeah.

It's like the opening scene of Home Alone when they're all like counting them up for the drive.

So one of my sisters was like, yes, this definitely happened.

I'm so sure.

I'm totally forgotten.

Then somebody else was like, I remember this in caps locks.

Oh my.

And they were like, I can't really remember the details.

But I think Dad was quite embarrassed.

Not embarrassed enough to switch it off.

Honestly.

And then someone's like, in between playing N People Bizarre Fruit.

Not that embarrassed.

Was that an album or a track?

I don't know.

Because he did love one track over and over, didn't he?

Famously.

And then someone's like, it was so late he thought we were all asleep.

Well, I assume he did, slash hope.

Yes, mum's feet were up on the dashboard.

I mean, this is saying a lot about our family traveling.

Sorry, I know this is a tangent, but how on earth did your mum have enough room to hutch her legs up onto the dashboard?

I'm quite partial to that position.

Yeah, and the cars were so heavily like packed in with shit that like you...

The foot whales were being used for storage.

Your hoofs can go into like almost...

I don't know, but there's a child behind you.

You're probably crushing them with your seats so far back.

No, because what you're misunderstanding is that your body's quite far forward, but your legs are sort of going into the windscreen.

Oh, right.

And like, like, you have to.

She had stuff under her legs to.

There was so much stuff in the car.

I cannot stretch anything.

I was like 30.

30 odds.

I feel like there were some of them like hanging on the side.

One strapped to the roof.

I imagine a sidecar.

And then I was like, you know, how old was, you know, because I was quite young.

So the little ones were way younger when I and one of them was like, I don't remember anything apart from just being really confused.

I didn't really understand what it was, I just thought it was strange.

It was strange.

It was highly strange.

Very strange.

And the other one was like, I remember an awkward feeling and a very soft voice.

That's trauma right there.

This is awful.

And I can't believe I've never

mentioned it on the show.

It's such an obvious link to the show.

Yeah.

We obviously need to know what the book is.

I know.

I really, I haven't asked him what it was.

But it was just like a, it was, you know, it was just a novel that was being read.

And there was obviously a sex scene in it.

But it was so cringe.

And also, switch it off.

Your kids are in the car.

But it's like, you know, when a sex scene comes on on the telly and you're watching it with your whole family, nobody wants to be the one to flinch.

Nobody wants to be the one to switch it off because you're sort of playing a game of chicken.

And I guess he was thinking, I'm just hoping it'll end and like nobody will have detected it.

But when you're on a car journey like that as a kid, you're never properly asleep, are you?

No, you're not.

You're just like, eyes are closed, but you're like.

You're going in and out of consciousness.

So literary porn has been in your life.

like you know if we made the film like the opening scene would be this and then it'd be like 20 years later absolutely well i'm a bit like was that what helped plant the seed for him that like but and for you why me because you made it an audio thing oh yeah you're traumatizing children now on car ride right i hadn't even put those two things together you're right because obviously it was way before podcasting was a thing yeah strange anyway that's my story for today if you'd chirped in from the back seat and been like, oh, chance would be a fine thing, or like, oh, butcher bloody dead, you would have had the pilot.

That is a very sad story.

Thank you for sharing.

These car rides, honestly, how did they get through them?

So when you say you didn't stop at all for a, I just think about how often the Levine stopped on a family holiday drive.

We'd usually go north to Scotland or south to Cornwall, either way.

It's a six-hour drive.

We'd be stopping to Puke, we'd be stopping to wee.

I was not allowed.

So how long would you drive for?

I remember once driving to Prague and needing a weed

so badly that you know when it just begins to start to hurt?

No, because I don't leave it that long.

And I had to get a water bottle.

Oh my God, stop there.

And I pasted a bottle.

I did.

Because he wouldn't stop the car.

With all of your family in the car.

Yeah, but like hidden.

How hidden?

You're sat next to eight of your sisters.

But when I say the car was packed, you don't understand.

I couldn't see any of my sisters.

How could you see the bottle?

Because it would be packed up, like literally the bit between seats, sky high with bedding, with bags.

You're ramped.

You're ramped people.

How many?

There are six of us in one vehicle, but that's also six people's luggage.

Six people's, you know.

And Jamie travels with three trunks alone.

Sounds like six people's we in bottles that they've got to.

This sounds like tortured.

Like, this is the kind of thing.

You're played the same song over and over again.

You're not allowed to use the toilet.

You are packed.

You can't move.

Oh, what a child.

Your mum's trotters are like all those new ways.

She'll love you for that.

I thought she'd listen.

Trotters is your word.

Don't you dare.

Don't you dare.

I'm using a mortonism to try and be in the gang.

Little hoofs.

Oofs.

Let's say hooves.

But yeah, I know.

Very strange.

But you know, character building.

We drove to Prague once and didn't stop.

It's just madness.

Pissed in a bottle.

Pissed in a bottle and what a holiday.

It was pissed, wasn't it?

We did a stop where she weeded in a bottle, nothing else.

What do you mean?

Jesus Christ.

Oh, you mean during the audiobook?

Oh, yeah.

i can imagine what

um my memory is a bit nicer than yours okay yeah go well like he's just very good at doling as we know from the books like he's very good at doling out business advice isn't he yeah yeah he once got me the zurich axioms i don't know if you've heard of this book it's like a book that gives you kind of advice on how to play the stock market i think

like how to make money from money you've clearly enjoyed it i've never read it

but the other thing like i think it was your mum and your dad right once told me me, although they have since denied it.

We were like having drinks one night.

They were talking about how to make money.

They were like, buy rice.

I was like, what?

Buy rice.

Buy rice.

Rice.

Rice is the new gold.

What are you talking about now?

Rice is the new gold.

What do you mean?

Well, I guess like climate change, like food.

Stop saying words without words in between.

When was this?

Oh, this was years ago.

But they have since denied it, but they definitely were like...

Denied it.

It was like on the record.

invest in rice did you no because where am i going to store loads of shitloads of uncle ben's like i know you buy it in bulk but like where am i going to put it all no i think they mean invest in a rice company in their shares

buy loads of rice

oh i thought they meant buy rice what like the way that you would to have gold in a vault you were just going to have loads of rotting rice in a vault or maybe they said buy cheap buy twice what on earth is going on

were you yeah this was this is pre-podcast uh yeah this was pre-podcast But yeah, I mean, I never actually took their advice and they have since denied it.

But guys, if you want to make money, buy rice, get that rice.

James, I hate to break this to you, but the rice market is absolutely soaring.

Is it booming?

It's absolutely booming.

What do you mean?

Well, Rocky as ever has given you some bonkers advice there that has a kind of kernel, a rice grain of rice.

A grain of rice.

Very good.

There's a question here on Google which says, is rice a good investment?

And it says here, you can include rice in your portfolio as a hedge against potential losses during times of economic uncertainty investors view commodity grains such as rice as attractive options rice's long history and the fact that it's a food staple for over half the world makes it a great long-term play but what am i going to do like sell it from my house no again you're not storing it in your back bedroom james why doesn't he understand about stocks and shares i just don't understand read the zurich axioms you might learn something my rocky memory is less of a story and more of just an appreciation of his ability to not only write indelible characters but to start indelible traditions.

So every year from your dad and your mum, because they share all of their phone devices, email addresses, all of their social medias if they have them, we receive a sort of animated an e-card, isn't it?

It's an e-card.

It's a Christmas e-card.

We all get it.

And it sort of tells me that Christmas is here.

It's like the first thing I get because I usually receive it around November the 12th or something.

And it's a sort of minute-long little video with a Christmas theme.

They're usually quite bonkers, aren't they?

Oh, chintzy as fuck.

Yeah.

This year's told quite a story about a boy on a sledge.

Do you actually watch them?

I'll be honest, I don't watch them.

Oh, wow.

You don't watch them?

You've not got a minute.

Not for that.

Jimmy, best picture nominees.

Do you know what the biggest scandal of those cards are?

That they cost money.

No, they don't.

Yeah.

Like, they pay for a subscription to, I guess, send them.

Because they always, we won't name names because it will make other artists of the card industry feel left out, but they always use the same artist.

Oh, yes.

They've got a very distinct style.

A very distinct style, and they have a preferred supply.

You know, they would never deviate.

They're very loyal.

And the music.

The music.

So tinny.

Okay, now you're just being mean.

I look forward to it every year.

It genuinely tells me that the festive times are upon us.

And me and James obviously have much emptier lives than you because I'm watching it from start to finish.

I get birthday ones as well.

Okay, well, I don't get those.

Oh, what?

Do you not get birthday ones?

No.

I could get a birthday ones.

Oh, my God.

This is just more evidence that he's the favourite.

I think that even I get a birthday one.

I didn't get the rice advice.

I shouldn't invest in rice.

I shouldn't invest in this.

Is that your own e-card?

Your e-card.

I will find you the name of the artist that they always use because you should invest in her.

Yeah.

I would make a fortune.

Right.

Anyway, on to the best of bits.

Now, you're not going to just hear from Isaac, you'll hear from my sister, a couple of other footnotes guests, and even the great man himself.

And there is an unheard bit from the chat that we had with dad at the end of the podcast.

So stay tuned for that.

I bet your dad's booked a CFAX holiday before.

Well, we did go skiing a couple of times when we were kids.

My dad were like, guys,

we're going skiing.

And we were like, I gotta go skiing.

Cross-country.

What?

Skiing.

Not only the most boring skiing you can do, the hardest.

Uphill sometimes.

Oh.

What's skiing?

Uphill?

Yeah.

It's almost like hiking meets skiing.

And so you're kind of like walking.

And then there's like a bit of a hill that you have to go up.

and then now and again there's a big hill that you can go down for like 30 seconds or something.

And there was a time that I was I'd finally reached the top of this hill and I went down and then suddenly this figure was going really fast behind me and all I heard was pad on monsieur.

And he pushed me off the slope and I fell down this little hill into this kind of like frozen bit of

pad on monsieur.

My bloody dad.

Rocky Flintstone near the kill

on a on a cross-country ski slope.

But he did say pad on monsieur.

Yeah, we were in the French arms.

So

we were in Canada.

There was no need for it.

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Play is everything.

Those games sent sent the team's energy through the roof.

Are you saying it was the off-field play that made the difference on the field?

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Somebody tweeted, I can't remember who it is, sorry, whoever you are,

but they said, was it a coincidence that Blender Blinked is 69 pages long?

My dad was just loving that.

Mum was like, I don't really get that.

Like, is that a joke?

And dad was like, oh, for God's sake, Wilmer, of course.

It's.

Did you not get it?

And mum's like, well,

what is it?

I can't wear it.

And he said, it's obvious.

A six and a nine are the shape of a naked lady.

Oh,

you put them together and they look like a naked woman.

That's right.

Honestly,

do they?

A, no, they don't.

B, dad, what are you on?

And I'd just be like, guys, because they were like debating this for a while and I was like, I just have to put them out there.

Meditate.

Did you correct them?

Yeah, I just said, guys, it's actually a sexual position.

I want to take that home with you and

dissect on your own time.

You know that's going to be in the next book.

At 69.

I'm really, really stuck trying to work out if it's an aerial view of a woman or like just like a Belinda-style droopy boob on one side and a hurt one on the other.

I don't know.

It's almost a sphere.

Really, if they're together.

That's so confusing.

Bless him though.

I thought he knew everything there was to know about sex.

Really?

Have you not read the book?

Oh no, you're right.

I knew, yeah, he knows literally nothing.

James, if I didn't exist, I'd question whether my dad had ever had sex.

So I don't know where you're getting that idea.

You're adapted.

Oh my god, maybe I am.

What a way to find out.

Oh my god, I'd be really upset, but also quite relieved at the same time.

Then the podcast would be not you would not be an heir to the Belinda fortune.

Well, let's stop right now.

Des Martin support group has asked,

what's your fave just

abreve of Rocky Flintstone Twitter?

Yes, okay, so this is your dad's preferred reply structure, which is just J-U-S apostrophe plus a verb, like just saying, like a just doing.

I have two.

He was once talking about, I think someone asked what his favourite meal was or something, and he said, chokey sandwich, just champion.

That was a good one, which is a good one.

And then someone asked him if he was ever drunk when he wrote the books, and he just said, just hiccuping.

I love him.

I just presumed.

Just use Rocky's real name.

That hasn't never happened before.

I'm so sorry.

That's the first time.

Alice, you are no longer head presenter.

I was going to say, things have really changed.

I don't know how that popped out.

What I meant...

The police are like...

You're going to jail!

You're going to the clink!

I didn't think of you that quick.

Oh, he's on it.

Oh, my God.

Wow.

He really does have contacts everywhere.

In six years, I don't think you've ever said Rocky's real name by accident.

That's unbelievable that none of us have.

Yeah, particularly on stage when we're very, very drunk.

Okay.

my point was my heart's racing so boring it really doesn't matter after all that my point was going to be that rocky rocky rocky rocky probably calls a mini bar that on a plane that was on

what's a word for it

probably calls the trolley a mini bar as well as because

can we get a new alice

do you you know what?

I really didn't think I'd get replaced before six years, so this has been a good inning.

When you think back to your childhood with Jamie and the others and the other gals,

what's the biggest rocky moment that you can think of where he's being a wind-up merchant?

I mean, I know they were constant, right?

Yeah, oh my god.

I mean, so many.

You say that, and I'm bamboozled with options.

So, this is just part of a campaign of trying to screw his kids.

I mean, I remember being a teenager once, and I was allowed to have sort sort of mini, not quite a house party, but a group of people around, and we were all very drunk.

And it must have been about two or three in the morning.

And mum and dad were out, and they came back, and we were in, like, you know, we were allowed in the nice sitting room.

So, obviously, trusted friends, jealous, you know, group of gals and guys, you know, having a very nice time.

We were all quite, quite pissed.

Mum and dad came in.

Obviously, dad absolutely blasted, completely off his tits.

And he comes in and he goes, Everyone, I'm Yuri Geller.

And he pulls,

he pulled a spoon out of his pocket and started to try and bend the spoon to impress my teenage friends.

And I just remember thinking, do I go mortified?

Or all my friends were killing themselves laughing, going, he's an absolute legend.

And that's when I think I just realised he's wonderful.

And I just laughed my head off.

And ever since then, they were like, how's Yuri?

You've got to embrace it.

That's the thing about Rocky.

Like, don't push against it.

Just

let it come into your life.

That spoon not bend because it won't.

Family holidays as well.

Jamie's always told us about how he used to burn CDs with just 20 versions, 20 repetitions of the same song on it.

Oh, yes.

What else would happen on holiday with your dad?

One of my favourite stories is when we had a caravan attached to the car.

So you've got four children and obviously our wonderful mum Wilmer in the front.

And the caravan's attached.

It's all fine, apart from dad decides that he wants to take the scenic route.

Uh-oh.

We're going up this limestone hill basically in rural France with a caravan.

Yeah, you remember this.

Oh, no.

And mum was like, I don't think this is sensible because the water's been high.

We have to go over some kind of little Ford thing.

It was like midnight.

And it was midnight.

And there are lots of children.

I think I was about 16 or so, so everyone's younger than me.

So this is a, you know, this is a troop of youngsters.

It's late at night.

Are you in the car or the caravan?

Is the kids?

We're all in the car.

They're very safe.

You'd never dare put us in the caravan with the vehicle moving, Alice.

Is that not allowed?

With Dan driving.

No.

I think we shouldn't really even be in the car.

The car you take your life at you.

We'd be safer in the roof rack, to be honest.

Anyway, so we're going up this stupid limestone hill, essentially.

And because we've been through the Ford before,

the caravan comes disattached, right?

So the caravan disattaches, it's I've been clunked too much.

Breaked on.

We all have to run up.

We've all got flip-flops on.

It's the summer in France.

It's been raining.

It's all slippery.

We have to try and push a caravan up a limestone hill.

Wait, how old are you?

How old is this band of mechanics?

16 I am.

And then everyone's down from that.

So we've got three years each way.

Yeah.

So what's the youngest?

Like eight?

Seven.

Little seven-year-olds.

I think, actually, no.

I have to say that.

She was no years.

They were put to the side.

They were put on the verge.

The little ones, the little girls.

Sorry, they'll hate that.

But they were put to the side because that was dangerous.

It was imagined for us to risk our lives, but not the little girls.

Imagining like little B, like, oh, so tired, bit of sleep, Little Caravan.

I was like, no, get your gloves on.

You're pushing the caravan.

You want any sleep tonight?

You're pushing that caravan up a limestone hill.

But can I just say, we did push it up the hill and we continued on our journey for the next four hours.

We did.

So it was not in vain.

I mean, that's why the Flintstones had so many children, because if you get into those predicaments, you're going to need some kisses.

Absolutely.

But it's literally the Flintstones as well.

You know, when they're on their feet, you just are.

It is.

Maybe that's where it came from.

Maybe that was the inspiration.

What an image.

You know what Rocky used to do with us, though?

Have I told you the story?

Did he write it with his left hand?

No.

On Christmas Eve, we'd all go to bed and then he would dress up as Santa

and creep in to put our stockings in so that if we did wake up, we would see actual Santa.

That's incredible.

And I did see it once.

I kind of peeked and I was like, oh, fucking shit.

So magical.

It was amazing.

That's so cute.

So all the dads out there dress as Santa.

I've met your dad.

This is what I was going to say.

You met me.

You were in the Albert Hall.

You were in the Albert Hall.

I mean, readers,

you have to remember that these people were in the Albert Hall, which is enormous.

It's a huge, bloody great theatre and it's just them being brilliant with three microphones.

I mean it was like watching Fanny Craddock all over it.

Just someone in the middle cooking, you know, just people talking.

I call that extraordinary.

An extraordinary achievement.

Oh, thanks.

Hats off.

Animated ass.

Well this is

and did he terrify you?

Because he kind of ambushed you somewhat in your box.

He did.

I mean feeling his shirt button might have been there might have been one too many undone at the front.

Right.

Yeah, he goes for quite a low,

quite a low decolte.

Yeah, yeah.

And I don't know, was there something nestling there?

Oh, no.

What a medallion, you think?

I don't know.

A third nipple?

Oh,

now you're talking.

He doesn't do jewellery, actually, my dad.

He is quite classic in that.

Yeah, all man, he'd say.

He was very nice, and he's brought me a poster of Belinda and her swollen nips.

There you go.

I mean, you can't ask for anything more more than that.

And the fact that my dad, subconsciously, somewhere, decided to write about women.

Yeah.

Telling sex from a woman's perspective.

That's really rare.

I mean, how many porn films are from the female perspective?

None, and therefore, there's a huge sort of generosity to it.

Sure.

It's incredibly charitable.

Let's unpackage that.

Well,

but I think there is a generosity.

I met your dad, and he's a generous soul.

He's generous.

He ends with himself.

You know, he is.

And my mum's an absolute amazing firecracker of a feminist has raised us all a great feminist not sure where my dad kind of fits into that but actually oddly I think his books are quite feminist yeah you're right absolutely he is one of the great feminist writers of our time yes

you know from Beauvoir to Rocky he's literally one tiny little

don't ever tiny little it's barely a step it's a shuffle he's basically a Bronte sister he really is what I worry now is that's going to be his in his email signature Emma Thompson the greatest feminist author of our time.

Rocky Flintstone is a feminist icon.

It's kind of the level of disguise that your dad was in that time he came to our show.

Oh, my God.

Yeah.

Have we talked about that?

I don't know if we have for a while.

I mean, he dyed his hair a shade darker than it usually is.

Which made it kind of ginger because he's...

got grey hair.

A bit ginge.

And then he wore those wraparound kind of Oakley style sports sunglasses.

Yes.

A very busy shirt.

And a Panama hat.

And a Panama hat.

He couldn't have looked more conspicuous.

Also, no one knows what you look like, so you are your own disguise.

My mum was so fucking livid that day.

Do you remember?

She was like, Look at him.

He dyed his hair.

Think about that process.

He takes his anonymity very seriously.

Clearly.

Well, he did have that look in his eye that said, Don't notice me, don't bother.

It's a bloody giveaway.

He knows that look well.

Doesn't your dad get obsessed with songs as well?

He does.

He just plays them over and over again.

And we once drove from Manchester, where we grew up, to Spain, Malaga.

It's a long way to drive.

We drove.

We drove.

And he made a CD for the journey.

We were like, yes, summer holidays can't wait.

The CD consisted of the Angels Carol, which is a Christmas carol.

And he put it on seven times on one CD and just played the same C D over.

Oh, so there were seven tracks.

Every track was the character.

Every track was the Angel Carol's.

I've had Angel's God, I've had Angel Voices.

Every single three minutes.

And they just made the CD.

That was literally it.

And he was like, God, I do love this song.

Let's play it again, shall we?

Wait for the drop.

That pre-chorus.

My mum was like, is there no Sippy Red in the car?

Is there no Annie Lennox?

No M people?

No.

Okay, cool.

Well, hang on, Jamie.

You were in France recently eating.

A lot.

Yeah, didn't you go to something called Flunch?

Alice, stop outing me as a Flunch eater.

But yeah, I did.

I love Flunch, though.

Sorry, sorry.

What the hell?

Yeah, what is

it?

It's a staple of my childhood.

I used to go a lot as a kid.

It's basically

like a cafeteria that you'd find in supermarkets or kind of motorway service stations in France.

Is it like an IKEA cafeteria?

It is.

It used to be really, really good.

Kind of one of the best

cafeterias going in France.

Stop doing that with your serious face.

Sorry, is this somewhere you went with Rocky?

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Rocky used to love a flunche.

What is flunch, though?

Because is that free lunch?

That's food lunch.

French lunch.

French lunch.

French lunch.

It's unclear.

Such an awful word.

It sounds like flunge or like...

like.

Gunge, yeah.

It doesn't sound nice.

It doesn't sound like somewhere hygienic for eating food.

No, much like the setting we're in now.

So do you think that Rocky's inspired by the flunch has gone by?

I don't know if that's the right use of flunch, but is it a verb or a noun?

Do you flunch or is it a flunch?

I think you can go and flunch.

You guys want to come flunch with me?

Go flunch yourself.

Don't flunch with my heart.

Take with a flunch.

Oh my.

So, So, yeah, so maybe on this table, there could be, yeah, well, stecache, of course,

some tatiflette, some salad pericodine,

some riete, racalette, fondue, of course.

Oh, there'll definitely be fondue on that.

Ile flatante, of course, you know, for something sweet.

What's an ile flaton?

An ile flatonte is Rocky's favourite pudding ever.

It's basically custard with a floating bit of meringue on it.

Egg white in it.

Ile flaton.

Sounds lovely.

Oh, that's some real insight.

That's got to have formed a like big part of his, what he thinks of as a French menu.

It was hugely influential for all of us.

Okay.

So she's just going to eat shitloads of flunch.

You guys must have been like the Brady flunch.

Bad.

It didn't deserve a laugh.

I've been sitting on it, Richie.

I bloody love a raclette.

I've been to Brazil with them because I used to work out there.

And honestly, it is a hoot.

Anything you imagine is nowhere near as funny as the actual situation that you get.

Brilliant story.

So he needed to get some kind of rat trap or rat poison or something for a friend.

He can't wait to come stay.

For a friend.

For a friend.

And he did this whole charade.

He was doing that.

He pushed his lips up, was doing the teeth, was doing the claws at the face.

Finally, Mike was scuttling along with his fingers along the counter to try and get this product.

And then the word is rattos.

Ratos is.

And that was the word.

Same thing happened when he acted out diarrhea in the pharmacy.

The word is giahia.

It's literally like, and then I was like, gia, gia here, doing all the pointing.

Never last so much in my life.

Vomito was the same.

Spent all the time acting being sick.

Repeat it, babe.

The word was vomito.

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Those games sent the team's energy through the roof.

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Your dad's been trying to palm off a boat to me for the last couple of months.

Is he still on about that?

Yeah, he's got this old rickety fucking boat, like no engine.

I think the roof's rotting off.

Yeah, that's Little Nelly.

Yeah.

Little Nelly, that's the one.

I don't think it's been seabound for many years, has it?

No.

He told me you just use it to drink hot chocolate in.

And a lot of wine at New Year.

Fine.

And basically, he doesn't know where to put it anymore.

So he's like, James, you can have it for free.

And I was like, I don't want to.

I think one day I said I like the sea, and he was like, James, you must have a boat.

So now he's been trying to palm this boat off to me.

But I found someone at work today who wants the boat.

Did you joke?

Yeah, so I've passed it on to them.

So now him and Rocky can kind of do a deal with it.

Hang on, hang on.

Wait, it's part of my inheritance, little Nelly.

Little Nelly's sailing away, Jamie.

If you want it, you better.

Say goodbye to Nellie, Jamie.

I mean, I don't really want Nelly, I just don't want anybody else.

So, were you going to be like one of those people in the 80s that won a speedboat on a game show and had to have it on their front garden?

I was like, I don't know where I'm going to put it.

I don't know what I'm going to do with it.

You live in central London.

Exactly.

Dad goes everywhere brandishing his business cards.

So Rocky for you.

I actually have one for you.

He gave me one.

He actually signed one for you.

Has he signed one for anyone else?

A couple of people, like waiters and stuff.

Oh, oh, well, then, that's fine.

So it's limited edition.

He likes to sign the check and he goes, I'll sign this as well.

So here it is.

This is for you.

Have you seen one of these before?

No, I haven't.

There you go.

So that is yours to keep.

Oh, my goodness.

All of its contact details.

Oh, it really is.

You've got a a direct line.

Private number to the leather room.

For the benefit of the tape, he's just turned it over.

I turned it around,

and there is the signature on a very lithe, young, I'm gonna guess, female body.

She's Mrs.

Felds, isn't she?

A lot of rib-on shape.

Look at those pomegranates.

Look at those pomegranates.

That's amazing.

I'm gonna get that laminated

immediately.

Why?

Why do you need it laminated?

Never you mind.

He did recently get a new laptop that he bought in Spain because he didn't want to pay the prices in England.

And the keyboard's all in Spanish.

So

last time I saw him, he couldn't work out what was the full stop.

How is the Spanish full stop different?

It's not the same.

It's quite extraordinary.

They're in a different place.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

And I thought, do you know what?

If you'd have had a Spanish keyboard this whole time, maybe your writing could have been excused.

So Belinda's now like, Belinda, or something like there's accents all over it.

Wervers has asked, What's the inside of your shed/slash pavilion like?

We've talked about this a little bit before, haven't we?

We've all had the good fortune to visit it now, haven't we?

Yeah, I wonder if he'll describe it as we experienced it.

Well, he's said big,

so no, just boasting.

Is that what he said?

Oh my god, it is big, but he's filled it with with so much crap.

So much crap.

That's hardly any room to move.

Yeah.

There are also so many features of the pavilion that you can discuss.

I can't believe he's not gone into them.

It's as cluttered as his mind.

I think it kind of is like a representation of him as a writer.

People won't believe that there's two rooms.

He's throwing a bed in there.

Is it three rooms?

Has it got a secret dungeon?

It's got the leather room.

Yeah, he's got a bed in there.

He thinks you can sleep.

I would never sleep in there.

It's uninhabitable.

Well, I think my dad sleeps in there when mum's thrown him out of the house.

So I think it's more

needs over desire.

Right, sure.

James, that's outrageous.

They sleep in there at Christmas.

I have slept in the pavilion, yeah.

It was so fucking cold because there's no heating, there's no electricity.

There's barely walls, James.

Famously, the windows are made of bottles.

I mean, I

it is honestly going to be some sort of English heritage site one day.

Should we put the museum in there one day, the Rocky Flintstone Museum?

Yeah.

How's Rocky?

How is he?

Oh, he's great.

Yeah, no, he's good.

He um he's just finished building a a conservatory.

He's already...

Where's the conservatory?

Because that would connect the house to the pavilion, surely.

It's off the back of the house, like one side of the house.

It's got like a big arse now, the house.

Like a one-sided, one-sided arse.

A hot tub room, exactly.

Sorry, what?

He's built it with his own hands.

Yeah.

As always, surely.

But the hot tub that he chose is so massive, it just eats the whole thing.

It's like a 10-man hot tub.

Basically, business meetings in the future in the hot tub, guys.

Can you imagine?

First First on the agenda, everybody, when he's just bubbles.

Have you tried this St.

Alice movie rise?

Get over here.

Next on the agenda are jets.

Next, lights.

But he's been very worried because you know that the theft craze that's sweeping the nation this year is hot tub.

People stealing hot tubs.

Yes.

How?

You'd have to be very inobservant to not notice somebody going, did you do through your living room carrying your four, what do you say, 40 person hot tubs?

How'd you get it out of someone's house or garden?

But don't worry, dad's dad's made his conservatory like fortnox so um

let alone out built the pool into the building like it's part of the structure of the building was it a conservatory just for the hot tub yes because you know obviously the couple of years we've had you know no travel dad furious that he couldn't get to brazil because he loves brazil as we know so he thought he'd take brazil to him to him uh and it's nice it's really cool in there it's just very very very i was gonna say nothing says brazil like a hot tub in a conservatory

part of the culture?

They've made a tropical wing of the house, basically.

Has it got a little bar in it?

I can just imagine.

It does have a bar, yeah.

No.

Yeah, and some hanging plants.

It's very nice.

To give people some context, it's a beautiful, but kind of modest.

Quite small house.

Like,

it's not a mansion.

The pavilion gives it the sense of grandeur that we've described before, but it's a family home.

And I would say, no, a big chunk of that family home is water.

Do you know what?

I actually, I remember I called him once and your mum answered because he was in the hot tub.

She was like, can you call back?

He's just in the hot tub.

It was like 11 in the morning.

I was like, what's he doing?

He's pickled in there.

I cannot wait for the big office day out that we have where we get to go in the hot tub.

It's going to be like a scene from Melinda Blinks.

Summer party.

Awful.

Do you know the first time he played me an episode of the podcast, I was in Spain with mum and dad and he went, Lecture, just listen to her.

They've just made it magnificent.

I can't believe it.

He was so proud.

He, when you were ripping the piss out of him, you were wincing him for everything it was worth.

He was in hysterics.

Watching him listen to it is brilliant.

Yeah.

Like when I got back and played the Lynn episode, he was literally bouncing off the walls.

He was so excited.

I mean, he was writing more songs, but I've never seen him listen to an episode.

Oh, you should.

It's absolutely adorable.

Because that's the thing we get asked most.

Like, how does he take it?

Because obviously, we do occasionally criticise him.

Every now and then.

And people are always like, is he not upset?

But he's just...

The phrase I always use is impervious to offence.

Like, he's just somebody who...

But he loves it.

Yeah, and he really thinks it's funny, like, because he can see his own flaws.

He's not stupid.

Like, he's literally like, that's, that's fucking true.

She's got me there.

Yeah.

We've all got to know each other pretty well now.

So I feel like we've done a lot of critiquing of you over the years, which you've taken very well.

I wondered what your impressions are of us.

How would you describe each of us to somebody else?

I think you're a very good cement.

I mean, very good.

If you look at a ready-mixed concrete product,

or cement, as you guys in the States call it, and in the States, you're really genius because you don't believe in messing about with this stuff.

You put so much water into it that it's really, really runny.

But you compensate to make it hard by adding extra cement, which of course is an environmental disaster because you're utilizing more...

Sorry, guys, I won't go down that route.

Anyway,

what did we ask?

What is that?

Your cement or concrete is runny.

Our concrete in the UK and Europe is much tougher, much thicker.

So it comes out of the barrel of the machine, of the truck, and forms a nice little cone as it spills onto the thing.

Now, I make a lot of ready-mixed concrete in my...

It's just about concrete now.

And I would say that, Alice,

you're the rocks.

The aggregate.

The aggregate.

James is the sand, and Jamie is the cement.

And put the three of you together, and you get a really hard mixture after 28 days.

Oh,

okay.

I like that.

But it wouldn't work without the water, which is you, Dad.

No, I'm the steel.

Of what?

We want to make reinforced concrete.

Right.

Oh.

So who's the water?

We need water, dad.

Well, mum.

Oh, mum's the water, of course, she is.

Oh, well, that's very flattering.

Rocky's harmonica goes with him wherever he goes.

I remember I used to live with you,

and we'd be like watching Telly, just watching a movie or something.

And you'd just hear behind you,

you'd just start playing, unannounced, unasked.

He'd just start playing the hip.

He loves it.

I wonder if he can do the porno theme tune on the harmonica.

Oh, that would be good to learn.

There you go, dad.

Little festive project for you.

If he manages that, should we put that out?

Yeah.

Well, I don't want to put the pressure on for him.

Do you know what?

I reckon he's got it in him.

He's certainly got the free time.

Try and do the theme tune, Dad.

Do your best.

Wow, that was terrible.

Terrible.

To Rocky Flickstone, everybody.

Cheers.

Cheers, Rocky.

Thank you so much.

It's been a pleasure.

And here's a little bit of Dad's interview that we didn't include in the podcast.

Probably for good reason.

Probably.

Okay, I have a little game that I thought would be fun.

Ooh,

we love a game.

Based on some of the characters.

Okay, so it's a game called Shag Marry Cruise Dad.

Have you heard of this game?

Not really.

So you can sleep with one of them.

Yeah.

You can marry one of them.

Okay.

Or you have to spend a year on a cruise with them.

Okay.

Okay, so you'd have to do anything.

Yeah, have you never played this version?

I've never heard this version.

I don't like the killing one because he can't kill his characters, he just said.

I mean, it's hell.

Yeah, that's what means.

I'd rather be dead.

You don't have to sleep with them, but you have to be with them non-stop.

Okay, so let's start with an easy one: Belinda, Bella, and Giselle, the glee team.

Right.

Well, I'd obviously sleep with Belinda any day because she's my creation, so it's not good if you're your fantasy.

Yeah, exactly.

Bella and Giselle, right?

Well, Giselle has to be

the middle one.

You couldn't spend a year with Bella.

You couldn't.

Oh, yeah.

Party every night.

Yes, yes, yes.

Obviously, fantastic.

Yeah, Bella for the cruise and Giselle Ford.

What was the second one?

Marry.

So when you want to marry Belinda, Giselle's a good looker.

Don't get her wrong.

She's got alopecia, but I'll sort of go

out the alopecia.

Okay, good.

Bella on a cruise.

Honestly, shoot me in the head.

Okay, the Duchess, Hazel, and Mistress Sweet Juice.

Ooh.

Ah, right.

Duchess, definitely Mary.

Yeah, she's my sort of.

And you're marrying up as well.

You're marrying into the aristocracy.

Hazel out would go on the cruise with, because I think Hazel could be quite good for.

Great company, actually.

And Sweet Juice would be the

last one.

Maeve Petra or Helga.

Ooh.

That's interesting.

I don't know.

Maeve, Petra, Helga.

That voice, that Petra voice is going to be great after a while, isn't it?

I get that.

Yeah, best get over and done.

Yeah, yeah.

Best get over and done with.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

That's that's my reasoning for the other two choices.

Whom can I hate the least?

So we'll shag Petra then.

Yes, okay.

And then we'd marry probably Maeve because she's Irish and she understands my strange ways of doing it.

She's evil.

Oh, I don't care about that.

If you didn't marry people because they were evil, you'd never get married, Jamie.

Oh, I mean, that is just a great bit of advice, sort of by accident, there, really, isn't it?

It's like, marry the person that can understand your foibles.

I mean, your politics don't have to be the same.

Yeah, she's a murderous, you know, maniac, but don't worry about that.

Hump and skunk for days.

Brilliant.

We should really get a drink in with Rocky.

Well, he's back from Brazil, which I think is soon.

He could come to London.

Fabulous.

Or we could go and hang out in that hot tub.

Would it fit all of us in, Jamie?

At a push, yeah.

Okay.

This is a man who's been in a car with six people.

Fair, fair.

Can I just say, I don't want to be in a hot tub at a push with all of you.

Is that a fair thing to say?

That's fair.

Okay, fine.

London it is.

Then he can come our way.

I loved that one.

I really loved that one.

Fum, fun, fun, fun.

He is a good aqueous, isn't he?

I feel like Jamie's revisiting trauma for the most part with that one.

It was fun.

It was fun.

Sort of dissociated and zoned out.

Yeah, okay, fine.

And yeah, thanks for listening, and we'll see you soon.

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What changed for the team today?

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Coach, one more question: play the new Los Angeles Chargers, San Francisco 49ers, and Los Angeles Rams Scratchers from the California Lottery.

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