The Best Of (And Unheard Bits) - Part Seven

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Hello, hello, hello.

It's another year and it's not the best of.

Alice, James, we just couldn't stop doing these.

People are so into them.

Yeah, they seem to be going down really well.

Demand is high.

We've had a lot of requests for different themes.

So we thought, let's give the perverts what they want.

It feels like they've been really popular, mainly because it's the only option we've given people.

We've given them the option of listening to best ofs.

If we'd given them worst ofs, I think they would have flown.

Well, we kind of are doing a worst of today because we're doing accents.

Yeah, the voices.

People love them.

It's interesting because you forget that when we started, I didn't do accents at all.

And I actually made a point of saying I can't do them.

The heyday, actually.

They kind of crept in ever so slightly.

Crept like being whacked over the head with a a baseball rap.

I was going to say at what point they were in there.

No, but like, it's funny when you look back at season one, there are no accents at all.

It's just everyone's just got my voice.

Yeah, you get more and more extra as it goes along.

Yeah, I like Jamie's portrayal of himself as like somebody who just really came out of their shell when actually some of these voices you're raring to go.

And like, you know, we always make fun, like, some are better than others, but you can't question the range.

Oh, well, the range of this man.

I get a lot of tweets now because I do a show where I have to do voices.

Yes.

And I get a lot of, well, well, well.

Certainly the chickens have come home to roost, haven't they?

I've often tagged him though, and I'm like, thank you.

And mine's not supposed to be comical, so I'm actually trying to do it.

Yeah, yours is supposed to be good, aren't they?

Yeah.

And yeah, you get a lot of praise and a lot of kind of props for the grief James and I gave you.

I mean, this episode is going to be like a Pixar film.

There's going to be just so many voices.

You're going to be like, wow, God.

Get him his own show.

Yeah, this is essentially a CV for Jamie, isn't it?

Did you know you had this inside you, so to speak?

Did you surprise yourself?

Well, as a man of the theatre, James, obviously you are taught voice work from a very young age.

No, not at all.

I think that's why it was kind of strange because I was quite hesitant to read at all.

And then kind of as I grew in confidence, and I guess as the show got more listeners, I felt emboldened to

really bring

that to you, but to really bring the books alive.

Because I think, you know, you could read these books in a quite a boring way, or you can really infuse them with personality and give everyone their own little vibe because we've known him for what coming up for 20 years coming up for 20 years and before this never knew all these voices were within him no I mean I obviously knew he was a show off that's a given you're going home with that but like I never knew that he wanted to do this sort of one woman show thing one man show thing I what's also kind of amazing about it is that he's claiming that this comes from like a kind of classical training background but you're only there for the projection lesson and then like the rest like the kind of character development bit?

Well, I was told once, I mean, I don't know if I've ever told this story on the show, but one of the

great lessons Val Harris gave me when I was a very small actor,

young actor, was

I was doing a scene from the life and death of almost everybody, the play.

I'm sure you know it well.

And the opening line was dust,

dust.

And then it went on from there.

And so I said, dust,

dust.

And she she said, I'm going to have to stop you, Jamie.

In the theatre, we never enunciate the same word the same way.

Oh.

So she was like, you'd go, dust,

dust.

Okay.

Such stupid advice.

And you know what?

It's honestly stayed with me all these years.

And so I think.

So it doesn't matter how you say it the second time, as long as it's different.

Dust, dust,

dust,

dust, you know, it works either way.

Actually, does work every time.

It does, right?

Um, so I learned that from Val, and from that point on, I've really kind of honed my voice work.

Um, and I think this show is a real kind of culmination of that.

Wow, oh, Val.

Oh,

Val.

How do you find the heart of a character?

Like, how do you find James's voice?

Yeah, could you do me?

No, you two are quite hard.

Obviously, I've edited you both for so many years, you're always in my head, And you've got quite difficult voices to recreate, actually.

James, obviously, you've got your trademark things like

a necklace and we're going around the houses.

But apart from that, you're quite hard.

My laugh.

Could you do my laugh?

No.

Oh, come on.

That was quite good, was it not?

I mean, for my character, I suppose, it's very textured.

Very turt, very sneaky.

Very

mannered.

Does Alice have like a low voice or a high voice?

What are you getting at?

Particularly.

What are you getting at?

Matt, are you getting it?

Do I have a British voice or an American voice?

But you're from Nottingham, but you don't really have a Nottingham twang.

Not as much.

Well...

Do you Nottingham accent?

You've got more of a Nottingham accent than me.

Dreckham.

Dreckham.

Dreckham.

James and I, by our rights, should have a bit more of a draw, shouldn't we?

We should, shouldn't we?

We should go town, really.

We should probably go town and get a little bit of water in our buckle, shouldn't we?

Pop keckle on.

Keckle.

Popkel on.

Pop keckle on.

No, no, pop keckle on.

What you like.

Oh, I just found out.

Oh my god.

It's really extraordinary.

That's Nottingham.

It's really hard to do.

It's really hard to do.

I mean, thank God no characters.

Everyone with a Nottingham accent is like, no.

So yeah, so we're going to be reliving some of my worst accents today, because none of them are good.

I think we are all in agreement about that.

But at least I try.

They all belong in the universe together.

What I like about the the podcast as well is that Jamie uses the podcast of the forum to try the accent for the first time.

He won't practice it in advance.

He'll do it live.

Just like any good actor.

They just come to set, they read the script for the first time and they just give it a whirl.

So we have listened, and I hope that we've included some of your favourites, but there are going to be a few deep cuts, the things that we kind of have always found quite funny that you may have not remembered at all.

But we're going to start with something that everyone knows.

One of the biggest moments of the show, I think.

A classic.

I can hear this at night when I close my eyes.

This is this rattles around my brain, Renfrew.

Okay, so here we go.

Hello, I'm Petra, Her Bisch's personal assistant.

I love her.

We heard about her, didn't we?

We did.

We are sorry to keep you waiting, but I'm afraid Her Bisch has had one of his chronic asthma attacks.

Pardon?

Asthma attacks.

Is she having one?

Hello.

Hello.

Hello.

Okay.

Hello.

I'm just talking to the hall then.

Give me one second.

Beep beep.

Hello, Aunt Petra.

One of his chronic asthma attacks.

And it's just.

She's delirious.

And it's just been rushed to his private hospital.

Honestly, are you okay?

Why won't you sound out the words?

One of his chronic asthma attacks

has just been

rushed to his private hospital.

No, his private hospital?

Why is she four years old?

She's just using her words.

However, I'm here, so I have a meet with you both.

I hope you understand.

I haven't eaten.

It's my brother.

What do you understand?

No, I don't understand.

Sorry, what did you just say?

Stop listening because of your stupid voice.

Could you write it all down?

Sorry, am I ruining it?

Sorry.

You could put a lot of vowels in, however.

It was the longest.

Considering all the other words were so fast.

Shall I read it as just in my own accents?

No, that's quite right.

No, read it one more time and we won't interrupt.

We'll try not to read it.

Hello!

I'm Petra.

Here Bish's personal assistant.

Via sorry to keep you waiting, but I'm afraid Herbish has had

one of his chronic asthma attacks

and has just been rushed to his private hospital.

His body hospital.

Here.

I'm here, so I will meet with you both.

I hope you understand.

Never has.

I hope you understand been more redundant.

Oh my god.

I say, Mistress Belinda, I'd like to spread my rather longish legs onto the dashboard.

The lady with the longish legs.

She loves a dashboard.

Oh shit.

Screamed the Duchess.

Oh, off you go again.

I say, Mistress Belinda, I'd like to spread my rather longish legs under the dashboard.

Oh, my God.

Jamie just acted that out, screamed the Duchess.

You nearly put your longish legs on the dashboard there.

Why, yes, of course.

How silly of me.

I've always thought this Mercedes model had very short foot wells.

replied Belinda, hospitably.

Oh, for God's sake.

A deep, resonant groan

emanated from the prostrate Duchess.

It sounds like she's turning into some sort of demon.

Something's like coming out of her.

The porthole has opened.

It's like that being Ghostbusters 2.

God, it's a portal to hell.

Oh my god, it was.

One of the nicer reviews we we've

got.

Special vote.

Oh, God.

Oh, it makes the skin crawl.

The horrid voice volumed.

Speaking.

You can't come to the phone right now, replied Giselle as nonchalantly as she could muster.

I want you to dinner with Petra and two other English guests tonight.

Giselle suddenly cried like a stuck piglet in a fence.

That came too easily.

What a party piece.

What is the noise?

Bish demanded not nicely.

I'm petrified of Bish.

Sorry Sir Hare,

Sir Mister.

Sorry Sir Hare.

I have a bit of a dicky belly and bowels.

She's passing that off as bowels.

Disgusting.

I couldn't agree more.

Keep away from my brittle body.

They're 230 meters apart.

Oh my god.

One bout of diarrhea could push him over the edge, couldn't it?

To be fair,

he's very sickly.

He'll turn inside out.

Disgusting.

Keep away from my brittle body mass for all of tonight.

Or I will be dining with Hades and not insurance wretch.

Dining with Hesiod?

His heart will come out of his ass.

Oh my god.

I mean, it looks like Jamie's going to die every every time he does the impression.

Bish is horrible, he kind of possesses you when you do.

Possesses you.

Hank, dressed only in his board shorts, threw another large rib-eye steak onto the barbecue, watching the three girls out of the corner of his eye skinny dip in the pool.

He looked over at Jim and winked.

Oh, steak, ass, and tits.

You can't beat it.

Are they all different cuts of meat?

Cow tit.

Steak, ass and tits.

Can't beat it.

Best date ever.

Steak, ass, ass, and tits.

Steak, ass.

Steak, ass.

Steak ass and tits.

What are you singing?

I literally don't know.

Also, we can't sing a song every chapter.

You're turning this podcast into the musicals.

But we're doing the same one, isn't it?

Steak, ass and tits.

Steak, ass and tits.

No, I don't know what you're singing.

I'm just copying you.

I was like, yeah, what is it?

And you're like, I don't know.

Oh my god, Belinda, fuck me sideways and up the wall.

Jesus Christ.

Screeched Frost First.

Belinda did as Belinda does.

I just choked on my own spin.

Belinda did as Belinda does.

and Jeremima St.

Frost first was gagging for it, all delirium and hum.

Do you want to know a secret?

Belinda spoke onto her fizzing face.

Oh my God.

Yes.

Please do tell all

moaned the acting mistress.

I don't find you attractive.

She was acting

And that was it.

You're an ugly bitch.

Surprise.

And that's the end of the performance.

Oh,

Belinda.

So he's like, I don't find you attractive.

You

are truly an actress for the ages.

Give that woman an Oscar.

Dearly beloved, the vicar droned on.

He's just spoken.

Suppose that he said.

It's a fast forward.

We are gathered here today to witness the marriage of.

Oh.

Why is it Alan Carr?

Imagine if they could daughter me old man.

Hello.

Hello.

There's so many lovely people here.

Oh.

Oh, okay.

This is interesting.

What do we think Tony's surname is?

Oh.

Do we not know?

Blinked?

Steals.

No.

Oh, God.

We are gathered here today to witness the marriage.

And why is he so vibrato?

We are gathered here today.

There's a lot of echoing, isn't there?

It's a very theatrical place.

Will you take this woman's hand?

Why is it a West End wedding?

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English, this is the Countess Zara of Leningrad, our host tonight.

Darling, enchanted.

I hope you are giving my little Grigor here on the path to fame and riches.

Yes.

I love her.

I bet she's got a ring on everything, like five rings on everything.

Definitely.

And kind of flowing fabric, like the there'll be a lot of chiffon going on.

Yeah.

Grigor smiled and opened his arms.

Please join us, Countess Zara.

I presume you've been too busy to eat tonight.

Thank you.

I will.

Business is booming, and I'm short staffed again.

My Russian girls just can't keep up with my clients, and the Dutch girls do so know their European working rights.

It's a nightmare.

So, the countess is a madam of a brothel.

Did we know it was a brothel?

If we did, I'd forgotten it was definitely a brothel.

It was in the red light district, so you would assume it was in a brothel.

Fuck me, Grigor.

Belinda, come down on me and give me my feast.

Oh!

She is filth.

She's insatiable.

Her feast.

What, like one of those lollies with hundreds of thousands on them?

Oh my god.

She's very...

Get me a feast.

Just give her a feast, for God's sake.

She's had a screwball.

Pleased to meet thee, Belinda.

Pleased to meet thee, Belinda.

Three A's on the Belinda there.

Sit thee down, please, Ken.

For God's sake.

Andy is my fame.

Ken, Big Titties Matilda at Head Office.

Trade union boss Andy Milston.

Oh my god, it might as well be the 1800s.

This fucking everyday sexism.

Such a dandy.

Big titty Matilda.

Big titty tilde, was it?

Ken, Big Titty's Matilda at head office wants to talk to you on phone about some wrong invoices.

Ken shook his head.

More bloody wrong invoices.

I swear to God, I spend more time with that woman than I do my own wife.

But hang on, Ken.

If there's wrong invoices, surely you're doing the invoices wrong.

Not more wrong invoices, like, yeah, do an invoice right.

Belinda blinked.

Who should be flying the plane?

Only Bloody Hazel the pilot from books two and three.

It doesn't say from books two and three.

Oh my god.

Okay, we didn't remember.

You can't say from books two and three.

That just shatters all any illusion that we're reading against.

Is that even in like brackets or something?

Or is that just

fully in the sentence?

Just only Bloody Hazel the pilot from books two and three.

Exclamation point.

Well, I never,

as I live, breathe and fly, it's Belinda Blumenthal.

Was that a voice?

Don't even remember.

I don't remember what a voice was.

What was her voice?

I don't remember her saying very much last time, but maybe you could do like a, well, like a pilot's voice.

I think she'd have to say everything like she was doing the announcement and then

well, I never, as I live, breathe and fly.

It's Belinda Blumenthal.

Oh my god, I'd love it if she talks like this the whole time.

They French kissed with extra tongue, and whose extra tongue?

And Belinda looked at the motherboard of switches, knobs, and buttoned lights with anxiety.

Oh, don't worry about this array, spoke the experienced pilot.

It's perfectly safe.

Most of it is like a game of Sonic the Hedgehog or Golden Eye for the N64.

Did not see her as a gamer.

Yeah.

No.

Or Rocky.

We had a PlayStation and we had great.

No, it wasn't a PlayStation.

We had Sega Mega Drive.

Sega.

With Sonic the Hedgehog.

And he had to jump through loads of...

Yeah, why did you say Sega?

Sega.

Okay, we all said Sega.

Sorry.

A Sega!

A Sega Mega Drive.

A Sega Mega Drive.

Non-Pondar.

Jani, can I pronounce a Sega?

The Mega Drive.

Mom, where's the pestocian?

Suddenly, A loud voice from the left bank interrupted the investigation.

Oh my god, it's me!

Oi!

Oi!

Get out of there!

That's our drinking water, you wretched pair of rats!

I told you!

And you spoiled me fishing!

The thrashing couple looked up and saw an oldish fly fisherman in green wellies up to his waist.

But Spooner couldn't care a fuck.

I couldn't care a fine fuck.

Get out!

Out!

What is the sheep man?

The beautiful Helga grabbed her arm.

Belinda!

Oh.

Helga shouted at her.

I need to talk to you urgently.

Oh my god.

She's been on her troubles.

My voice.

It's gone wrong in World.

Help.

I need to talk to you immediately.

I think someone's harming you with it in my brain.

That's what Dutch people sound like.

Are you insane?

I was partying with Dutch people at the weekend, actually, in Barcelona.

And yeah, they all spoke a little bit like that.

I beg to differ.

I was drunk, so maybe I've misremembered it, but I was very confident they'd talk about some of them from Singapore.

Well, let's try Dutch again from the top.

Well, yeah, good.

I need to talk to you urgently

a bit better, yeah.

Of course, Helga.

Ladies' toilets, the cubicles, cubicle confessions.

It was the toilets.

Cubicle confessions

with the Linda.

And Helga.

Oh my god, it's like sweet baddie hi.

Luckily, Helga understood understood the word toilet.

She knows toilet, swimming pool, and cafe.

Isn't English as like basically a first language there?

Luckily, Helga understood the word toilet, as it was pretty similar to the Dutch word, which was also toilet.

Similar.

The same.

Pretty similar to the identical word.

Belinda.

Belanda.

Yes, what?

Listen to me.

We're listening, yeah.

Helga gasped in fluent English with the hint of yank.

Hint of yank.

Oh, someone got it wrong.

God, here we go.

I'm really sorry, but I have to give you this bad news.

Now she's Siri.

It is really important that you can't tell a soul.

I'm sorry.

I can't help you with that inquiry.

Oh, God.

Well, she is Siri.

The weather in Jakarta is 23 degrees.

No.

Belinda, Tony said sternly, I must introduce you to Giles Cottonsbirth.

You absolutely must, my darling.

Oh, Giles, I'm so sorry.

What a pleasure to meet you acquainted.

Giles Cottonsberg.

Cotton's birth.

Cotton's birth.

Okay.

Brilliant.

Brilliant.

Belinda.

I must introduce you to Giles Cottonsbirth, our latest hire from the Welsh country.

Oh, for fuck's sake.

From the Welsh country.

From anonymous.

Yeah, Wales.

Mr.

Cottonsbirth is an expert in the area of product research and could use some corporate synergy, Belinda, Tony added.

I've had a nightmare trying to gauge the action to a soggy veg project, Miss Blumenthal.

Apparently, you're the one to help.

I don't know.

Michael Sheen's friendship.

Giles Cottonsbirth voiced.

He is an older man, isn't he?

He's an older woman, by by the sounds of Jamie's impression.

Okay.

I've had a nightmare trying to gauge reaction to soggy veg products, Miss Lumenthole.

Apparently, you're the one to help.

I don't know.

Sir Tom Jones?

Is that you?

Oh, my God, that's Billisconey.

Why is he Italian at the end?

I don't know.

I don't know.

I don't know.

Oh, God.

Of course.

Let me take you to our product research panel booths.

Belinda helped.

What are you talking about?

I don't even want to like question you guys.

And also, one minute she's on the rampage, the next minute she's just fallen straight back into work.

James, here's your filler.

This is filler.

Thank you, Belinda.

The focus groups are all booked up and ready to go.

Is that Anthony Hopkins?

We're going on a journey.

I'm Cassidy gets a go, Tom Jones.

Thank you, Belinda.

The focus groups are all booked up and ready to go.

So is Burton now.

Jim's PA, Sidney, approached the girls.

Hello, Sydney.

Sidney, it can be boy or girl.

That's true.

Like Poitiers.

Very good.

Ha!

You must be Belanda.

And you're Bella, said the extremely pretty and petite Sydney.

So a girl.

No, actually, it could still be a boy.

What's extremely petite?

3-5?

Linda Hunt, so.

If y'all finished eating, then just follow me to your first meeting.

Oh my god, she sounds like Doris Day.

Is that a catchphrase?

If y'all finished eating, come follow me to your next meeting.

She's channeling Dolly Potter and choosing to be a songstress.

Also, when did you learn to do Southern American?

I've been practicing.

This is your best accent so far.

Thank y'all.

Okay,

iffy.

If y'all finished eating, then just follow me to your first meeting.

The women look down at a smallish, white-coated

grey-bearded gent.

Oh, he's got a beard.

I didn't expect a beard.

Or maybe actually a kind of close beard.

Good morning, Frau Sylvester and Freulein Ridley and Blumenthal.

I am the eminent Professor Slintz.

Okay.

All right.

With the spirit of your grandma, apparently, within.

Inventor extraordinaire of steels, pots, and pens.

Is he

Jem?

Where is he from?

He is whoever I fucking wanted to be, alright?

Two chapters left, let him have it.

Please follow me for your access all areas tour.

Oh, wow!

Now he's very English.

Of a wonderful factory.

Oh, he said wonderful, so he must be German.

The coughing crone turned to Belinda and said, What did the nightingale sing to the dustman?

Sorry, I've got the wrong cue.

My bad.

Belinda looked around herself before answering, Mr.

Bo Jangles.

Oh, shut up.

It's code.

They're having a code chat.

Incorrect.

The crone smiled a toothy smile.

You made it then?

What the hell's going on?

Yes, just as you said.

Suddenly, Belinda was cut off when the crone's tin of cough mint started to beep.

Oh my god, it's a gadget.

It's a gadget.

She flicked it open and brought the box to her ear.

You've been compromised,

she croaked.

Impossible, spluttered Belinda.

I changed at hull.

I did everything I possibly could.

Well, they've followed you.

An evil agent is on your toenails.

There you go, code.

For heels.

We've got to get out of here.

Pronto.

He stopped in his lethargic tracks as he double-tracked the past.

Sorry?

He did what with who now?

He stopped in his lethargic tracks as he double-tracked the past.

Oh, so he saw Belinda.

I would track back and delete that sentence is what I would do.

Belinda,

am I dreaming or just doped?

He said dopeily.

Is everyone on drugs in this?

Everyone's hi.

Could you be both, dearest Clint?

Dearest Clint.

Clint!

Could you be both, dearest Clint?

Belinda flirted casually.

You usually are.

Usually, they've not seen each other for 20 years.

Wow.

I thought you were a mover and a shaker in the big smoke.

I hate that's Manchester.

Yeah.

Wow.

I thought you were a mover and a shaker in the big smoke.

Mick Jagger?

Oh, Belinda, do you want to come to my show tonight?

I'm trying to be a bit.

David Bowie.

I'm trying to be a bit dope, do you see?

Oh, right, yes.

Quite lethargic in.

Lethargic and doped, yep.

Wow.

I thought you were a mover and a shaker in the big smoke.

Actually, Mick Jagger.

I am.

Belinda laughed as she pointed at her rapidly burning cigarette.

Why?

Clint laughed too.

That is funny.

Good one, everyone.

You can see why those two get on.

I don't get it.

What?

I don't.

What she pointed at her cigarette.

Like...

Oh,

that makes...

Wow, I thought you were a mover and a shaker in the big smoke.

I am, as she pointed at a cigarette.

Fucking hell.

Top, nudge, benter.

Tap, nudge, benter.

Belinda laughed as she pointed at her rapidly burning cigarette.

Clint laughed too.

Then Belinda laughed again, thinking, gosh, it was always so natural with this dude.

They're as thick as each other, so I can see why they got on.

Gosh, it was always so natural with this dude.

It's so fucking boring.

We get it.

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Coach, the energy out there felt different.

What changed for the team today?

It was the new game day scratchers from the California Lottery.

Play is everything.

Those games sent the team's energy through the roof.

Are you saying it was the off-field play that made the difference on the field?

Hey, a little play makes your day, and today it made the game.

That's all for now.

Coach, one more question.

Play the new Los Angeles Chargers, San Francisco 49ers, and Los Angeles Rams Scratchers from the California Lottery.

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Damn you, Giselle, shouted George.

I warned you earlier about killing him with that bloody vagina of yours.

And don't kill him with your vag.

I won't warn you again.

How many times?

I warned you earlier about killing him with that bloody vagina of yours, but you just wouldn't listen.

Giselle looked daggers at George and threw her sodden black thong at him.

Fuck you!

Somebody had to push him to the edge, you tosser rotter.

Tosserotta?

Put that on the list.

Tosser rotta, that is in Tuscany, isn't it?

Tosser rotta.

So no remorse from Giselle.

What the hell are we gonna do now?

The second and final tranche of Euros is due to be paid tomorrow when we hand over the blueprints to Bish.

Oh shit.

Bella's personal demonstration of the new Steel's Crynomore knife was a tricky task, but she was determined to try.

Great.

Good day, Pan-Pacific!

She bellowed.

I don't imagine that was the reaction

to Lord.

She bellowed to no one in particular.

Welcome to the cutting-edge onion buster utensil everyone's on about.

On about?

Everyone's on about.

If it works, and I'd love to hear the science behind it i think it's a great idea although i personally love the stylish oxy onion goggles of last season i had a 3d pair myself 3d

why do we need to be 3d life is 3d bellama darling

i could see the whole onion it was great whose idea was that

we didn't know they were producing goggles did we no

this knife what's this knife what's this stupid day

so although i personally love the stylish oxy onion goggles of last season, I had a 3D pair myself.

The boffins that steals pots and pans have now created something better.

I give you a sharp knife that blows air outwards as it slices onions.

Right.

The silence of a hairdryer with a knife strapped to it.

The silence in the fast dispersing crowd worried Belinda.

Oh, it's clearing out.

She's done an absolute rotter.

Who just shouted out, yeah!

Now I know why she wasn't very sure about how to use it.

Forget lighting a candle, Bella continued.

I don't think that's one.

Chewing a teaspoon.

You don't chew it, you just put it in your mouth.

A teaspoon, a metal teaspoon.

Or singing Green Grow the Rashizo backwards.

This is a future.

The horrid and big jailman.

Capital J, capital M.

New character.

I'm the drail man.

Watching them was a lech with bad breath and an annoying habit for talking.

So that was how Mrs.

Millody decided to leave Uncle Fear Fawkes for the hotter climes of Cairns.

But she did find it too hot after a while, you see, and Cor,

I've just noticed, the jailman interrupted himself.

You're a gorgeous couple of Sheila's.

Oh my god.

Can I just apologise?

We're gonna be in Australia soon, and I don't know if we can walk down the street with our heads held high.

Not gonna get in.

Just noticed, he's been there for hours.

Yeah, but he's so busy telling his story.

But hasn't he seen Belinda's magnificent breasts?

They catch the eye from far away.

You're a gorgeous couple of Sheila's.

My name's Bella, said Bella.

Oh, my God.

And I'm Belinda.

No, Sheila's here.

Oh, God.

Look alive, girls, said Belinda, looking around her empty surroundings.

Drinking on the jar, Miss Blumenthal.

Would Sir James approve?

Belinda looked to her left.

One of a group of salesmen.

Shook it to the right.

Slab it to the front.

One of a group of salesmen had detached himself from the edge of his party and was talking to her.

She noticed that someone was talking to her.

Why is he talking for ages?

Leave me alone, chump.

I've got a man to meet.

Belinda barked.

Great bounce.

The very shame.

Do you mind if I join you?

Oh my god.

So you're giving him a Sean Collins voice.

You're better than that.

You're so much better than that.

Like father, like son, honestly.

How excited he got about that.

I was toying with it today.

I was like, Should I do it?

I won't do it.

Oh, fuck it.

I'll do it.

You should be ashamed of yourself.

Sorry.

No, go on.

Belinda took a minute and looked him up and down.

Decent, well-polished shoes.

Goodish physique.

A full head of dark hair.

And to die-for smile.

The name's Spooner.

James Spooner.

Oh, for God's sake.

James Spooner.

Now, Belinda, I need just five minutes of your ear before the show to talk about our business opportunity.

Five minutes.

Oh, God, she's not going to breastfeed, or is she?

said Penelope.

Show?

Stammered Belinda.

Please tell me we're catching a play at the Moulin Rouge.

No, for fuck's sake.

Or maybe we're seeing an exhibition at the Louvre.

Or maybe we're going to the Seine.

I have always longed to go and watch the Nicholas dancing whores.

You gotta love those dancing whores.

Penelope Pollay spat some of her very French martini into her face.

It's getting Frencher by the minute.

No, no, no, you simple bitch.

Oh, wow.

I feel like they've met their match manners-wise.

Someone's got Belinda's number for sure.

No, no, no, you simple bitch.

It is all about La Moulin Maron.

The maroon windmill.

Windmill.

The brown

windmill gawked Belinda's perfect translation.

For her, this was a double morning.

Stop saying mer thing.

Why are you saying moule merier?

Why are you saying like sole mounier?

What do you say?

We say what people say, morning.

What do you say?

It's got a you in it, it's morning.

Okay.

For her, this was a double morning.

Why does it pain him to just

god?

He's so annoying.

For her, this was a double morning.

Stop it.

I'm gonna freak.

I'm gonna smack you, COVID or no, I'm coming over there.

I'm gonna freak.

For her, this was a double morning.

Her boss boss and playmate.

Okay, I've never ever lost it and turned the table over, but I will.

He's provoking it.

I know he is.

Her boss and playmate, Belinda Blumenthal, was missing, presumed dead.

Morning, miss.

I need to microphone you up for the show.

The small man dressed in black said in an even tinier voice.

An even tinier voice than more.

Than being small himself.

Oh, but

that's so conceptually confusing.

How small is he?

Funny, Belinda thought, that a man so quiet was in charge of all the sound in the whole of the Millennium Dome building.

It's a comic, isn't it?

It's almost like there's so much sound in his life that he doesn't want to create anymore.

I guess you'll need to thread the wire under my outer clothing.

Is that correct?

She said wickedly.

Outer clothing?

Yes, miss.

That would be super duper.

Super duper.

Super fucking duper.

I thought as much, said Belinda, as she ripped off her blouse.

No, no, sorry.

Not how it works.

No, you can untuck your blouse and push it up under.

You don't have to open your blouse.

The smallish man dressed in black oggled her chest.

He's my fave.

The milk tray man is lit the best.

Sorry, do you need more space to work with, Mr.

Soundman?

No, that's fine.

The small man dressed in black sound with bat.

Good evening, Duchess, Belinda.

Nodding his head at them both.

Good evening, Sir James, said Belinda, attempting to make small talk.

Well,

good evening's a great start, then

she's already stumbled.

I've used used up all my topics, like good evening.

She just stands there,

nervously and silent.

Good evening, Sir James.

Have you motored down from Windsor this evening?

Why is everyone motor?

It feels like he's used that phrase before.

I feel like it's the dawn of the motor car, wherever they are.

Poop, poop.

Poop, poop.

No, no.

Clarence and I were doing a bit of clay pigeon shooting down in Dorset.

Had a devil of a time getting back up here.

Traffic's terrible.

Always terrible.

Someone's head in government will roll for it.

He is good at small talk.

Bert held his hand up and interrupted.

You see, you sure as hell came close to bursting our beautiful little record, Belinda.

No, she didn't.

Wayne smirked.

But sadly for you, close is no saga.

Now,

before you die, get on your knees and suck my nice-sized cock.

That was horrible.

Did someone say cock?

So,

whenever anybody says cock, even if it's not a member of the cock, she appears, I presume, on a horse.

And here's a little unheard gem.

So, why do you talk like this?

Because you didn't talk like this when we met.

Yeah,

okay, fine.

Grass, bath, France, like France is like egregious.

Don't say France.

Okay, well, we'll take that to the Hague.

But the issue is, when did it flip?

Why did it flip?

And can it flip back?

I think he's had like elocution lessons.

No, no, I haven't had elocution.

No, no,

I haven't had elocution.

lessons, but I did change my accent.

Yes.

Yeah.

Just because I didn't feel like my accent before was particularly...

Did you have a proper Manchester accent?

In first year of uni, I don't know if you remember.

I mean, we weren't

hugely friendly in first year of life.

Just be careful now because a lot of people listening will have a Manchester accent.

Yes, it just wasn't right for my voice.

I don't know, it just didn't suit me.

It just didn't fit.

No, but you know what I mean?

My natural accent wasn't right for me.

Some people just like really suit it, like Liam Gallagher.

Great.

Me, it just never really sat well.

Do you want to hear it?

I actually have it.

You can do it.

I have a video of me when I was at uni first year.

So when we met around that time, I've got to find it.

With your voice.

Yeah, yeah, with how I used to speak back then, okay?

As in your real voice.

The voice you have.

The real voice.

You're also duped.

Who's this?

I know.

I am a construct.

It's true.

Okay.

Are you ready?

Half a bottle of gin, gin, half a bottle of enclava.

Jamie's finally arrived.

Okay, first of all, half a bottle of gin, half a bottle of vodka.

Please don't judge the drinking.

Also, are you scouse?

I mean, I don't even, I can't, I would never have identified that as you.

That's your real, that's authentic Jamie.

Well, that was me really drunk in first year, so, you know, do the maths on that.

I, dare I say, prefer.

At least you know who you're dealing with.

Exactly.

This, this trumped-up looked twerp, who's this?

And I kind of feel like it's a bit catch me if you can.

Like, if this isn't real, what else is not real?

Right, exactly.

Everything is real.

It's just like people change their voices.

Voices are constantly homogenizing, aren't they?

Especially when you go to a university or something.

I mean, neither of you have got a Nottingham accent, do you?

Yeah, but that is so that is drastic.

Classic collection.

Yeah, you know me.

What about isn't it?

It's very,

aren't we all just one global village?

But I'm also the sort of person that, when I'm in different countries, I do kind of take on their accent and people think they're taking the piss.

I just really like God, that must go down well.

He's just a sponge.

I mean, a sponge.

Okay, fine.

This is never making it.

Okay.

See you in Council Book.

I can't help it.

I'm just, I suppose I'm just constantly gathering all these influences and it makes me who I am.

You know, I'm somehow French, somehow, English, and many of them are Russian.

Anyway.

What he means is, Arnois.

Ardois.

Half a battle of Jed.

Half a battle of.

David has arrived.

Oh my God.

Okay, right.

Come on.

God, you guys are so mean sometimes.

Way back, even back in the day.

I like to think we keep you honest.

Okay, yes, that's one way of looking at it.

Alice, what's your your excuse?

No excuse, the proof's in the pudding.

I stand by it.

I absolutely stand by it.

Who are you?

What have you done with Jamie?

The thing about baby Jamie there was, we're not comparing like for like, because he's only had half a bottle of vodka today and none of the gin.

Right, that's true.

So

it's not a scientific experiment.

It is when you mix white liquor.

That's when it really comes into its own.

But that was fun.

I enjoyed that one.

Yeah, it's funny how he enjoyed the one, which is just a showcase of all of his skills.

This is actually the Jamie episode.

He's like, yeah, really strange that.

I lapped it up.

I was actually going to say, it was quite embarrassing reliving how many terrible actors I've done, and it is a bit humiliating.

Oh, God, quite enjoy that show, real up.

Anything for you guys, you know.

So, yeah, that was for you guys.

Be careful what you ask for because we will give it to you.

You know, if you do want anything that Alice or I have done, yeah, we've done lots of good work.

Oh, come on, you've been all over these best stores.

You're the funny ones.

I just read the books.

Swigs bottle

of water.

Of water.

Oh my god.

I'm going to trade my Alice.

Fuck off.

If you do have any more themes you think we should be covering, we just like getting together to do these.

So we're all ears.

Yeah, any projects?

Any books you just want us to read aloud?

I mean, we're here.

We might as well get it done.

Yeah, yeah.

And as always, thanks for listening.

And yeah, we'll see you soon.

We get it.

It's more important than ever to get the most out of your money.

Options are key.

Options like Lyft, where you get great rewards, especially with partners like Dash Pass by DoorDash.

If you're a Dash Pass member, just link your DoorDash account and you'll get 5% off on-demand rides, 10% off scheduled rides to the airport, plus two free priority pickup upgrades every month.

New to Dash Pass?

To sign up for a three-month free trial, check Lyft.

Terms apply.

Coach, the energy out there felt different.

What changed for the team today?

It was the the new game day scratchers from the California Lottery.

Play is everything.

Those games sent the team's energy through the roof.

Are you saying it was the off-field play that made the difference on the field?

Hey, a little play makes your day, and today it made the game.

That's all for now.

Coach, one more question: play the new Los Angeles Chargers, San Francisco 49ers, and Los Angeles Rams Scratchers from the California Lottery.

A little play can make your day.

Please play responsibly, must be 18 years or older to purchase, play, or claim.