The Best Of (And Unheard Bits) - Part Six

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Deck the halls, trim the tree, burn the roof of your mouth on some microwave mold wine, for it is Christmas.

Yeah.

And it's a tradition.

We have to be back for Christmas.

Ho, ho.

And ho, we're all here.

Hello.

Yeah, done the the register.

I'm wearing a lovely little Santa hat.

It's a little reti.

What do you mean?

I think it's a nice one.

Is it new?

It's a year old.

It looks like you and it have been dragged through a hedge backwards.

Oh my god.

You make an effort.

Oh my God.

No, you look lovely.

Shouldn't have bothered.

Everyone feeling Christmassy?

I actually really am.

Yeah, me too, actually.

I want you to show my tree yet, but I got it early, which I think you can tell because it looks almost dead.

I think it looks nice.

What do you think?

It's very slender.

It's very skinny.

Yeah.

It's beautiful.

It's wonderfully decorated, as we would expect.

Thank you.

I didn't feel Christmassy until there's one thing I have to do every year now to get in the festive spirit.

Oh, God, here we go.

What is it?

I'll just, you'll know what it is when I say it.

We're my background singers.

I haven't watched that yet this year.

Oh, then how are you feeling festive?

For those who don't know, Patty LaBelle singing at the National Tree Lighting Ceremony.

in what, 1992?

It's the Clinton administration.

She's in a very luxurious kind of robe, isn't she?

Like outside coat, but kind of very, like lots of fabric.

She looks fantastic.

It's chaos.

She doesn't know the words to her own song.

They've got the cards in the wrong order.

Her background singers haven't turned up.

If you've never seen it, I recommend it.

It will really put you in the mood for Christmas.

She's having an absolute conniption at whoever, whatever poor Sod with a big pen is trying to quickly write those lyrics because the auto-cue's gone down.

It is, it's one of those things that just warms your heart.

Oh my God.

She is fighting for her life.

It's pure chaos.

It's amazing.

My friend said the other day, because I really want to have a watch-along to a Christmas film that I consider to be up there with the greats, but I don't think gets enough attention.

Oh, The Family Stone.

I haven't seen it.

Oh my God, it's so bad.

It's sad, though.

Is it?

I don't know.

Like, it's no, it's not sad.

It's bad.

There's a bit where, like, Sarah Jessica Parker's just rolling around loads of egg.

Like, it's really, it's really good fun.

If you want something to just sit and absolutely torch this festive period, but my friend said, what's our sort of like trailer or like opener for it?

Is it Patty LaBelle?

So I think we need to lead in with Patty LaBelle.

Oh my God, you should itinerise a day of getting festive.

Patty LaBelle, Family Stone.

What else?

What else would you consume to get you in the festive spirit?

Ironic or not, Jamie.

I bet you've got a lovely Christmas playlist.

I do, actually.

And loads of records.

I haven't put my, well, I was debating whether I should put my decorations up this year.

Why?

Because I was looking at my diary and I'm only in my house one night in December.

What do you mean?

I'm out doing things or

some other places.

Yeah, but I think there's something quite sad about Jamie.

Do you have to stop out?

I presume you come back.

So you didn't put your tree up.

I did now because I was like, that's kind of sad.

You know what he has got out there that he always gets out, which for him is a sort of equivalent of, you know, because he has his garlanding on the stairs.

You decorate very nicely.

But the thing that I feel is the opening ceremony for Jamie is the Christmas tablecloth.

The Christmas tablecloth.

That came out yesterday.

I was like, I haven't put it out yet.

What the fuck?

It's on the Christmas tablecloth.

It's just

a red autumnal scene, isn't it, Alice?

It's kind of like...

Has it got holly?

It's got kind of foliage on it and berries, maybe.

Oh, beautiful.

But that is, that's, it's on.

That's December.

He's one of the only people I know who uses tablecloths.

Oh, yeah.

No, he's really keeping the

Jamie's keeping the tablecloth.

Because my table is such a horrible pine.

It's just a pine-rank table.

How many tablecloths do you got?

Oh, many.

Many for each season.

Oh, my God.

Like

three per season.

Yeah.

What does that mean?

Like a spring one.

Spring three?

Spring three.

You know, just to kind of mix it up.

Wow.

Because, you know, it is the centre point of my kitchen.

So is it a kind of clocks change, switch over the cloth?

There's no regimen.

As I just said, I was very late with the December one.

But anyway, this is really, really boring.

It's lovely insight.

I don't know.

I think it's quite amusing.

Do you have a tablecloth at Christmas?

Please get in touch.

Jamie's going to start a club.

Send us pictures of your tablecloths.

And if it's a runner, don't worry, that's enough.

We've all had a runner.

I've had a runner.

I'm sure Alice has.

Oh, Oh, I've had a runner.

Napkins, you got napkins?

Oh, for God's sake, yeah.

I am the napkins.

That's me.

Jesus.

Don't have a festive tablecloth if you don't want to talk about it.

No secrets here, dear.

Did you realise it was embargoed?

It's not embargoed.

It's just.

You might get a little sponk on out of it.

A bit of a little spon, gone.

Excuse me.

Spunk on the tablecloth.

Spun gone.

Oh, God.

Oh, my God.

Who even said spunk on?

I don't know.

I don't know.

You apparently.

So it is Christmas, and we're going to be looking back at some of our favourite moments from Christmas.

Right, yes.

Obviously, we listen to them to find our favourite moments.

Oh, my God.

I love the Christmas officer.

I was...

Absolutely howling.

My main worry, because I was listening out and about, is that somebody would glance over at my phone and I would like throwing my head back laughing at your show.

Yeah,

that's really embarrassing.

What's also nice listening back to them is all of the Christmas traditions that we partook in as part of a porno Christmas.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

A lot of gift giving, Jamie, from you.

A lot of lovely surprises.

Yeah, you know, I did make the effort back in the day.

Nothing here today.

Yeah, where have you anything in your bag?

He walked in with two Fortnite Masons bags, and I went, oh no, oh god, it's not, is it?

We're not doing presents.

He was like, they're not for you.

I was like, oh.

Like the anti-Santa.

He's like, oh no, don't worry.

Well, I think if I was going to buy Jamie a gift, which I'm not going to,

the perfect gift would be: have you seen this thing that's been doing the rounds?

It's been out for years.

It's a film called.

Wait, Jamie's Head is going to explode.

It's going to puke.

It's called Tea with the Dames.

Oh, I'm fucking aware of it.

I get tagged in it all the time.

Yes.

Who is it?

It's Dame Maggie Smith.

Yes.

Judy Denge.

Yes.

Dame.

Thank you.

Sorry, sorry dame dame maggie smith judy denge joan plowright joan plowright and eileen atkins and they're all sitting around and they're just hagging it up talking about like you know jamie it's your wet dream i'm yet to see it i think it's about 90 minutes 90 minutes of what hagging legends talking about their lives thank you okay over tea he's just jealous seriously that's what that's who got that directing gear

set up yeah

so there must be a dvd of it i'm gonna get you that and wrap it up and a dvd throw in a player.

I need it.

What a fag.

Oh, so you have had that a few times before?

A few times.

I mean, it's obviously very nice that people think that I'm going to appreciate it, but you can stop sending it me now.

I'm aware it exists.

Or should we add that to the pre-Family Stone Patty LaBelle playlist?

True, yeah.

So we can watch the dames having tea, maybe have some tea with them and then watch Patty LaBelle.

That's when you get on the mould wine and then conch out to Sarah Jessica Parker riding around in egg with it.

I think it's actually just wet egg, yeah.

What a day.

Wet egg with Sarah Michelle Geller.

No, no, Sarah Jessica Parker.

God.

That's the family soda, too.

Michelle Geller wants nothing to do with it.

Not even in an ironic way.

That sounds like a lovely afternoon.

Yeah, and then you can finish it off with all of the Mada Verapona Christmas specials through the night.

You know, just fall asleep to them.

We'll be pornoing through the night.

That's my Paleolith impression.

So should we relive?

Should we

get some microwave mold wine in hand and dive in?

Absolutely.

Alice, fire the dial up to 10 and put it on for two minutes longer than necessary.

Do you know what?

I'm going to set it to defrost fish, baby.

38 minutes.

It suddenly felt like Xmas.

Stop!

Would you stop?

It's beginning to look a lot like Exmus!

Really?

Her surrounded by a fucking regional sales manager just makes her feel Christmassy.

We're dreaming of a wide Xmas.

It suddenly felt like Xmas.

And Belinda got up and started to microwave the mold wine.

What a fucking depressing sign!

Why has she got a microwave in the wrong vest?

Oh god.

There's not enough oxygen getting to my brain.

Poor Rockies.

Oh my god.

Okay, that is my favourite line, I think, in Eddie, of the Belinda Blink books.

It suddenly felt like Xmas, and Belinda got up and started to microwave the mold red wine.

Oh my god.

Oh god.

And I mean I couldn't even get the words out, but why is there a microwave in her office?

Oh god.

So she's gonna scrambled egg like between meeting.

A really quick jacket potato.

That is cracking.

Oh my god, that has made my X-Mas.

Oh god, I can't breathe.

Also, mulled red wine, because clearly Rocky's been caught at hot by mulling the the Chardonnay.

It doesn't taste right, Walmart.

He did once try to experiment and just boiled a whole bottle of strong bow one year.

Mulled cider.

Don't think that's about it.

God, that must have been like hot piss.

Horrible.

Oh, hello, Santa.

Chill wow.

Belinda gushed.

So,

so good to see you again.

Do you think she still believes in Santa?

Well, I'm worried what gushed means, to be honest.

So,

so good to see you again.

Again, like it's the same guy.

She does.

She believes in him.

Santa, ho, ho, hoed, and proffered her to sit on his fat lap.

Oh, a fat lap.

She didn't blink once, feeling somehow at home in this plastic environment.

So, how many gifts have you personally wrapped so far, Papa Noel?

I'm embarrassed.

I'm so embarrassed.

I'm embarrassed by this oh my god.

Noel!

Belinda always felt the exotic flourish was the most sexy way to any man's charcoal heart.

On Papa Noel's really exotic, being French and all.

Too many to count.

Oh,

good Santa.

It's fantastic.

You're literally going to ruin Santa for everyone.

But that's not important.

Is it Aslan?

More like Mufasa.

Ho, ho, ho.

The question on my hair-smothered lips is: have you been a good girl this year?

No.

I love this voice, though.

No, she hasn't.

Belinda was aghast.

Was Babo Natale flirting with her?

Sorry.

Babu Natale.

What's Babu Natale?

I'm here to read for the Jame.

Sir James bellowed.

It's got a good dame voice, actually.

Please,

the floor is yours.

Oh my god, you little dick goose.

What am I like?

Behind me?

Oh, you wish.

I wish.

Come behind me.

No, not at all.

I'm a mother.

Going to be sick.

What the fuck was that?

It was his performance.

What on earth?

So did you just do a medley of all the?

I just did a medley of classic pants.

Behind my sheet nearly wasn't a little bit of a picture.

I actually thought you were going to fall out of the chair.

There's a bit of sick here.

Should we break that down?

No, do it exactly like that again.

Oh, my God.

You little dick goose.

What am I like?

Behind me?

Oh, you wish.

I wish.

Come behind me.

No, not at all.

I'm a mother.

Someone's having a break.

Why is he a mother?

Oh, he's a mother goose.

Why is he moving so fast?

Why not spending time on any of it?

Um, I've actually never seen James like this.

Do you again?

Okay, no, yeah, actually, one by one, one by one.

Oh, my gosh.

Oh, my God.

Fine.

You're a little dick goose.

Yeah, little dick goose.

That's my favourite, actually, a little dick goose.

Little dick goose.

What does that mean?

You're not a dick goose.

What am I like?

What's the light?

That's not one.

That was one of them.

No, but that's not one from a panto.

No.

Oh, God.

Behind me.

Because that's the the whole thing, isn't it?

You've made him a bit normal.

No, yeah, sorry.

No, don't change a thing.

But what is it?

He's behind you.

No.

Oh, no, he isn't.

Oh, yeah.

Yeah.

It's all that shit, isn't it?

No, we get it, but this is like the unravelling of a man in front of our eyes.

Oh, my God.

Behind me.

Oh, you wish.

I wish.

It's because he's having both sides of the conversation.

You wish, I wish.

He's doing all the parts from all the pantos.

It's a one-man show.

This was his prepared audition.

He's going to leave on a gurney.

It started to snow harder, and Belinda pulled her sheep fluff coat with it.

Why is everyone wearing stupid clothes from the future?

Sheep fluff.

Sheep fluff.

But like the offcuts of sheep.

sheep skin.

Where do you get the fluff from?

Where did you get it from?

It started to snow harder and Belinda pulled her sheep fluff coat with its black goat skin lapels.

Oh God.

Closer to her knockout knockers.

Okay, right.

A few things.

Lapels.

Oh,

on a sheep fluff coat.

I've never seen anything like it.

She's mutton dressed as...

I don't even know what.

She's mutton dressed as goat.

Oh, God.

So that's a look, isn't it?

It's quite the ensemble.

God, God, you wouldn't miss those two walking out together, would you?

But we don't ski, so we don't know.

That might be the attire.

Yeah, sheep fluff is quite big in Valda's air.

I'm not even going to comment on knockout knockers because it's given him attention he doesn't deserve.

Yes, quite.

I still need to get my wings.

You see, every time a bell end comes,

an angel gets the wings.

Very good.

Very good.

Every time a bell end comes.

What?

An angel gets its wings.

Yes.

A bell end comes.

A bell end.

Just the bell end.

Just the end.

Just the tip.

I'm waiting for mine.

So every time someone comes

somewhere, a friend angel gets swings.

Oh, that must be happening a lot.

I was going to say, people are coming last night and said, it's Christmas time, isn't it?

I hope you think about that next time you're having sex.

No, don't, because

I'm going to think, oh, God, an angel's got his wings.

Oh, God.

No, don't.

Everyone who listens to this, genuinely, the next time you masturbate, have sex, you're going to be thinking it, I guarantee.

So true.

That's really going to ruin a lot of fun.

Just a Bellen, though, right?

Not when a woman comes to the best of the menu.

No, just a Bell.

Just a Bellen.

Belinda smiled at the mother, Gloria.

Hi, how are you, Gloria?

Belinda smiled at the mother.

Gloria.

Wondering.

Gloria Ridley.

Gloria Ridley.

My name is Loa Ridley.

Belinda smiled at the

Gloria Ridley.

Wondering what sort of a Christmas Bella had gotten her into.

What was the dad called?

Oh, we don't know yet.

Oh, God.

I bet they've all got like Christmas names.

Here's my sister, Holly, and my dad, Rudolph.

Uncle Frosty's arriving in five.

After a few drinks and socialising, Belinda concluded that Artie and Gloria.

Oh, Artie.

Who's Artie?

The dad.

The dad, Artie.

Artie?

Arthur Christmas.

Just saying.

Belinda concluded that Artie and Gloria Ridley were fine, but dull.

If I'd heard, before I knew Bella and I knew her parents were called Artie and Gloria, I'd have thought she was from a very different stock.

Like, she wasn't the character she is.

But remember, I've made her that character.

Like, on the page, she could be completely different.

A different interpretation.

She'd be really high-end.

I've said it from the beginning.

Do not be led by Jamie.

It's very misleading.

God, can you imagine if we actually met Bella?

She's like, The interpretation of me on the podcast is not entirely.

I find it laughable.

Yes, I like a drink, but don't we all?

And I've never drunk Chardonnay in my life.

Jim Thompson opened the kitchen doors and out stalked the Hunts Girls.

Huh?

Who?

Hunts Girls.

The famous Hunts Girls.

The regional sales managers cheered with delight as the four beauties pushed their way onto the dance floor.

Everybody stop pushing and shoving.

Have some manners?

Cajoling.

Have they been hired or are they invited?

I think they've been hired.

Yeah, they're about to do do an act.

Okay.

The Hunts Girls.

Oh, the Hunts Girls.

Oh, the Hunts Girls.

Sorry, sorry.

The regional sales managers cheered with delight as the four beauties pushed their way onto the dance floor and started to mingle by pushing their ample bosoms everywhere and anywhere.

Pushing, I will not tell you again.

Everywhere and anywhere.

Everywhere and anywhere.

One of the Hunts girls called Doris slapped

Doris Hunt.

How old are they?

One of the hunts girls called Doris

wheeled her way to the stage.

One of the hunts girls called Doris slapped Desmartin lightly on the cheek.

Oh God.

He laughed and apologised and asked.

For what?

Sorry.

For getting it away.

Maybe he was disrespecting his elders.

He laughed and apologised and asked another hunts girl what her name was.

Oh God.

Such a bagload of hunts girls.

Don't be so nosy.

Where are they from?

I've decided they're going to be Scottish.

Oh, yeah.

Don't be so nosy.

That's the first question you ask someone when you meet them their first name.

Nosy nosy.

None of your goddamn business.

The hunts girls are insane.

Hello, what's your name?

Oh, Joe.

Oh, lady, never tell.

Don't be so nosy.

But seeing it's you, sexy, I'm called Joan.

And Joan.

Joan Hunt.

Joan and Doris Hunt.

Oh my god.

It's a wonder they're still alive.

They're 107.

They're older than Cedric.

They're doing songs from the First World War.

Does anyone know this one?

It's Glenn Miller on a loop.

He's my candy ball.

What floor is your sex toy department on?

It's an emergency.

She demanded.

Third floor, ma'am.

Oh, straight away.

Just behind the tassel collection, but before the topri scissors.

Third floor, ma'am.

Just behind the tassel collection, but before the toprie scissors.

Replied a handsome butler in training.

You're a lifesaver.

Merry Christmas!

She shouted as she hopped aboard the escalator.

On floor three, she browsed the collection of bottom plugs and rectal trinkets with concentration.

Bottom bottom plugs and rectal trinkets.

Rectal trinkets does make it sound lovely.

She was quite taken with how tinsel had been ludicrously draped all over them, but as she looked longer, a tightening feeling in her stomach quickly quickly extended to her left breast nipple.

So, what would that be then?

That stomachache is going to heartburn?

Yeah, maybe.

It was always that nipple when something wasn't quite right.

That's the first we've heard of it.

Yeah, we thought we knew her body intimately by this point.

But then Belinda saw the limited edition.

Oh, here we go.

Festively wrapped upon purchase.

That's in brackets.

Favourite piece, exclusive to Harolds of London, in the very centre of the sex toy department of Harolds of London.

There's no doubting where we are.

There,

in all its glory, sat on a miniature fake bed, was a very long and very thick dildo.

Oh God, how long and how thick?

Belinda had never seen anything quite like it.

Oh no.

Despite her years of extensive research in the area, in large, thick, Christmassy writing.

Written with a big pen.

The store exclaimed, Behold!

Your lord.

The Yule Log Lover.

Oh lord.

Log.

That sounds very thick.

Well, a log is long as well, isn't it?

The Yule Log Lover.

The Yule Log Lover.

How many people are buying the Yule Log Lover, realistically?

Well, it's limited edition.

I imagine maybe there's even just that one.

Yeah, and it's festively wrapped up on purchase.

So, uh, whether you like it or not.

Belinda dove into his pubes, running the ringlets.

Dove into his pubes.

It's Christmas.

Belinda dove into his pubes, running the ringlets through her fingers like grated carrot.

That is one of the grossest things I've ever heard.

Oh my god.

What?

Oh my god.

What did she dive in there?

Her hand or her face?

Put her hand in his cube.

And it felt like grated carrot.

It's all like twirling.

She's just like twiddling it on her finger.

Do you know when you like peel a bit of like carrot and it like goes like into a rip?

Oh my Christ.

Is that Abby Road Security?

I think we're getting a sculpted out.

Running the ringlet.

The ringlets.

Pubes aren't ringlets.

Well, they kind of are ringlets, aren't they?

I guess it depends how thick or thick it is.

Corkscrew curls for you, James.

Running the the ringlets.

Why would you run your hands through it?

Also, Jamie's hair is in ringlets and has a little ginger

tinge.

So if you imagine that, that sounds.

Look at all that grated carrot.

I don't need to imagine that just as much as the grated carrot.

Running the ring that's.

Grated carrot.

Is that like grated carrot?

Yeah.

Peeled, maybe.

Grated.

I actually thought that you could ask for anything and it was free.

I guess when you're like six, you think that Santa's bringing it.

So So I guess it is free in your mind.

Because obviously it's just your parents.

Not to shatter that illusion for anyone listening to this.

I mean, if you're listening to this podcast,

you know that Santa's not real fast.

Your childhood's already ruined, so I think I got into my teens before I let go of Santa.

Are you fucking joking?

No.

Shut up.

What do you mean when you say let go?

Let go?

Am I saying this?

Were you in denial?

Or did you go?

You were the older sibling, too.

So did your sister.

My sister told me.

I bet Kelly knew it like five.

Oh my god, your little sister being like, James, sit down when you've chosen me.

Yeah,

it was part like wanting to go on.

Like, I was just a child who loved the magic of it all.

James, you weren't a child.

I was just a university student that loved the magic of it all.

Was there a family intervention?

Oh, my God.

Did you believe in Santa when we met you?

No, no, no, no, no, no, no.

But did everybody gather around?

And then did you walk in the room and and it was just loads of members of your family?

No, no, no.

My sister, like, just one day, like, offhand, was just like, James, you know, Santa's not real.

And I was like, of course not.

But yeah,

don't get me wrong, like, I had questions before I was.

But I went, I just.

Don't get me wrong, I was curious.

And I think I've said before, like, the handwriting on Santa's card looks suspiciously like my auntie's and things like that.

But I just went along with it because I liked it.

Jamie, do you know the thing that worries me?

All he said is teen.

He hasn't said whereabouts.

Whereabouts?

I said 12 or 13.

I'm really starting to wish I hadn't said.

No one listened to this today.

Hopefully not.

Not anymore.

A few years ago, yes.

I can't believe you were at secondary school.

That could have been devastating.

Jamie, edit this out.

Sounds like this.

I wish I controlled the edit.

Benny Bella's brother was undressing into his PJs and nightcap.

In nightcap.

He wears a nightcap.

That's such a turn-off.

What would you do if you went to sleep with somebody and they wore a nightcap?

Oh, pajamas, full stop.

I'm a bit like...

There's nothing wrong with pajamas.

I mean, I wear a big woolly jumper famously, so.

Yeah, but do you wear like, I imagine you wear like a shirt and trousers and pajamas, do you?

Yeah.

Eye mask?

Yeah, I did quite a favourite eye mask, yeah.

I knew it.

I knew it.

Nipple tassels?

Only tonight.

It was an Xmas miracle.

Benny Bella's brother was undressing into his PJs and nightcap.

As he bent down to remove his designer smalls, Belinda got a full-blown view of his starker's rump.

Oh.

Rump.

Well, tickle me stink, Belinda de Linda.

Is that a command?

Well, tickle me stink.

Belinda.

Tickle me stink.

That's gross.

Does that mean what I think it means?

What?

Well, why do you think it's gross?

Tickle me stink.

Well, tickle me pink is when you tickle someone until they go red.

Oh, I've never known what that means.

Yeah, tickle me until I'm like, that has tickled me pink.

That has made me go red.

That has made me laugh and go red.

So, tickle me stink.

That's made me laugh and what?

Shit myself or like fart?

Well, I think it's because he's got his bum out, but I don't know.

Oh, I was hearing it as tickle must stink.

Tickle my stink.

Yeah.

But she can see his stink, so why would she be saying tickle me stink?

We all just stop saying stink.

Tickle must stink.

A mighty spruce stood in the great hall as tall as the ceiling.

Is it like the Hogwarts Great Hall?

Yeah, I imagine that.

Oh, lovely.

Very Christmasy, very festive.

Thousands of candles balanced on its branches.

And the

I don't think so.

Woo, woo!

It's the bullshit alarm.

Can we just think about the logistics of lighting and balancing thousands of candles on a tall spruce tree.

Mighty spruce, please.

Mighty.

Even bigger than I thought.

I tell you what, there's nothing like a dried out pine tree to go up.

As oily as fuck, that.

That's just gonna...

That is quite literally...

Kindling.

That's like fanning the flames.

Thousands of candles balanced on its branches.

Oh, God, come on.

Think about it.

Balanced.

If it said like in holders of some sort, the balance.

Balance.

Thousands of candles balanced on its branches, and the tree was decorated with artefacts that dated back to Henry VIII's reign of hedonism.

Oh, really?

More wood for the fire.

You'd think they'd be in a museum, but no, stick them on the tree next to all the naked flame.

Can we just remember whose tree it is as well?

It's the Duchess's, so there'll probably be dildos hanging on.

Oh, yeah.

Oh, gorgeous.

Chas dildo necklace, is it?

Or the one, you know, the one with the clamp?

Yeah, so there'll be all this kind of clampage all over it.

All present licked her nipples clean and proceeded to venture deep into her Belinda's secret garden.

Secret garden?

It ain't no secret, sweetheart.

It's the boy in the wheelchair there.

Oh, God.

Please let him out, Maggie Smith.

Mary Lennox needs to get the king to the garden.

How do you even remember that?

I don't know, but I do.

He was a very sickly little boy, wasn't he?

Wasn't he?

He used to cry every night.

Oh my God.

Do you remember that bit which you couldn't understand Yorkshire?

I've never seen it.

I've never read the book.

I don't know what you're talking about.

Oh, it's a classic Christmas movie, actually.

Is there a vagina in it?

Is the secret garden behind the vagina?

I don't think it's a metaphor for a vagina.

I think it's literally just a secret garden, isn't it?

Yeah.

I think it's just a garden no one knows about.

And it was locked up because the man who owns the big manor house, his wife died and it was her favourite garden and he couldn't bear to look at it.

But then Mary Lennox moves in and discovers the key to it because of the groundsman.

Stop watching it so often.

I've not watched it in years.

Me neither.

Basically.

Okay, so she finds the garden.

And she also finds a sickly little boy who basically...

He's trapped in the garden.

Yeah, he's not trapped in the garden, but he lives in the same house.

He's hidden.

He's hidden.

Like the secret.

Why is he hidden?

Oh, he's hidden because he's not well and he can't take any commotion.

And

he's got commotion items.

And they basically have boarded up the windows, which is terrible.

He makes friends with a bird.

What the fuck is this film?

Okay, and then what happens?

He dies.

Does he die?

Oh, does he die?

Or maybe he dies, but then the old man

went into promotion.

Maybe he doesn't die, but does Maggie Smith die?

Someone dies, and then someone gets better, and then the man who owns it finds the garden nice again, and then it's no longer a secret.

That sounds shit.

We've wandered off topic somewhat.

Suffice to say, this is very different to the film.

Who were you guys in the nativity?

Come on.

I was Jesus once as a baby.

How old were you?

A baby.

Oh, right.

Okay.

I was seven years old.

What were you, James?

I was Joseph.

Of course.

I was so smug being Joseph.

So gay.

Well, you know, immaculate conception.

Exactly.

Well, exactly, it all makes sense now.

And also, his hair was always absolutely absolutely perfect on fleek his hair was on fleek honestly and it was really hot in where was it nazareth nazaroth oh man um yeah i played joseph and i remember my line she tells me that she's pregnant and obviously i'm surprised because i'm gay

like not possible

so wait in your version were you just like a great gal pal to mary yeah yeah we'd like go on a gay night owl and so she tells me she's pregnant and then i have to obviously have to react and be surprised.

And I just, I like literally stepped back and leaned back and went, oh, that's great, Mary.

But we have to go to Bethlehem.

And the teacher was like, James, it's a little bit hammy.

It's a little bit too.

So I kept trying to tone it down, but I couldn't.

I mean, it's the performer in me.

I couldn't help it.

I'm just imagining you.

That gas would have been like, oh,

oh, no, she did.

You did.

What?

You did what, girl?

Last queen.

Obviously, Joseph wasn't gay.

We're totally joking.

Yeah, obviously.

But like Metro.

What did you play, Al?

I was.

Oh, this won't surprise you.

Hang on, can we guess?

Okay.

If she was the butcher in Oliver, she'd probably be.

Yeah, were you like a sheep?

A bull.

Some wretched animal that just being dragged out of the manger to make room for the baby.

All right.

A plump sheep ready for the slaughter.

I bet she was a freaking innkeeper who had no room.

You so were.

Do you know what?

My friend at work, she was the PA to the innkeeper.

That's not in the story.

Assistant to the innkeeper.

Literally, like, I've checked and there's no room, my darling.

She was on like bookings.com.

Not even a twin.

Computer says no.

What about a shared bathroom?

But they said no.

They just weren't happy.

I was a narrator.

Oh, of course you were.

Thing is, she wouldn't even have to learn lines.

I bet she just held the book in her hands and just had to read it.

Clipboard.

Or just nail it on.

Clipboard.

I love a clipboard.

James, stop spoiling Christmas Day.

Now, Jamie, you're a man of the theatre.

It's well documented on this show.

So, are there any kind of pre-show rituals we should be doing

to make sure it's a good night at the Panto?

Vocal warm-ups?

Do you do stretches?

Are there things that thesps say to one another?

Because I know obviously you don't call it,

you call it the Scottish plane.

Are there any other superstitions?

You should never whistle in a theatre.

Why is that?

It's bad luck.

So's putting a peacock feather feather on stage.

Guys, please leave your peacock feathers at the door.

Oh, shit.

Do they do a kind of metal detection test and then they go like, and I will actually have to bat you down for peacock feathers.

What are the origins of the peacock thing?

What's the origin of that?

I think it's because they, you know, they have that kind of like circle in them.

And a lot of like, this is old school actors call it the evil eye.

Is that what Paul Harris called it?

Is that who you learned it from?

Vicki Lane said it a lot.

Peak.

Peak on.

How does he say it was such a straight name?

I think it goes back to like Plato and stuff.

It's quite an old ancient tradition, really.

Yeah, Plato, quite old, yeah.

What do they do on like Priscilla Queen of the Desert?

Because that's like full of feathers.

And there are other ones that are from like really old times.

So, well, you're to be fair, all your mates were from really old times, so go on.

So I was taught you can never apply your makeup with a rabbit's foot.

These are just common.

That's common sense.

That's not a true fear to trust.

That's just bad methodology.

Well, because it is good luck to keep a rabbit's foot in the makeup box.

But I also heard that it's bad luck to knit backstage in the wings.

God, what other one?

There were loads.

I wonder how he knows these.

Do you think he's just been like knitting a jumper from the side of the stage?

Like, Jamie, you can't.

Take your peacock home.

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My Nana would always be fast asleep and would be like, okay, fun, we'll just watch something on TV.

Change the channel.

Immediately, she'd know.

Immediately.

And one year we just decided, you know, we're not going to do it.

We're just going to just power through.

Don't care what Nana says.

So we changed the channel and she was like, what?

Where's downtown?

I want downtown on.

Downtown Abbey, everybody.

No one even looked at her.

We just like, eyes on the TV.

But downtown, I need downtown.

When's it on?

When's it on, Wilmer?

And my auntie was there and she cracked and she goes, It's on now.

Well, why aren't we watching this?

I love it when people snap.

I love it when they break.

They get to breaking point.

It's too good.

Nanas can be superhuman when it comes to the TV.

I remember my grandma used to be sat at the Christmas table for lunch.

She'd hear the first few bars of the Coronation Street theme tune.

She ran like Mo Farrah to the tune.

I've never seen anything like it.

It was the only time we'd ever see her run.

Ah, Christmas.

Ah, Christmas.

For there, sitting there, nervous as a couple of virgins,

sat Peter and Christina Rowse.

In the fertility clinic, okay.

I cannot wait to hear Rocky deal with what I imagine is going to be quite an emotional, delicate subject of difficulty with fertility.

Excuse me, lovely couple who I've ever met.

She winked to Spoons.

Smooth.

Oh, yeah, Good one, B.

May I ask the source of your problem?

No, you may fuck off.

Who are you?

The couple looked up at this stunning stranger.

It is me.

I'm afraid, miss.

I'm impotent.

Peter Rouse is impotent.

Oh, is that all?

Belinda shrugged.

I work with loads of impotent people.

I wouldn't worry.

How does she know?

What is going on?

No.

Cried Christina.

He can't get it up.

Right.

Okay.

Bear with it, guys.

Come on.

Okay.

Keep going.

Keep this train on this track.

Christmas chill.

Christmas chill.

Holidays are coming.

Holidays are coming.

Oh, God.

You must believe in it.

You must believe in it.

So, basically, when Peter has sex in this universe, no friend angels are getting their wings.

No, no, not one.

And she's upset and they're sobbing in Dutch.

Belinda was amazed.

Oh, have no fear, madam.

May I try something on your hub?

She spoke, sure as a soothsayer.

Anything.

We're desperate!

Who's that?

The rousers said in unison.

Oh, God.

We had that together.

Let's hope they never speak in unison ever again.

Should we do it Al?

So you're Christina on Peter.

Anything we're desperate?

Anything we're desperate.

Anything, we're desperate.

Smiling, Belinda pulled up her festive mini skirt and showed Peter her fleshy fruit of fertility.

Her fleshy fruit of fertility.

Oh my wood.

I feel something, Peter exclaimed.

This is so deeply offensive.

The suggestion being that their fertility issue is that Christina can't make Peter half.

Yeah.

And that all that was required was for him to look at someone sexy.

That's not a fertility issue.

A fertility issue isn't like, yeah, we've done the test.

You don't fancy your wife.

Your wife's a minger.

Nothing we can do about that, I'm afraid.

Plastic surgery?

We think a rhinoplasty and an eyelift, and then you should be able to have twins.

Either you go blind or she changes her face completely.

You choose.

The card read, for the juices of your choice.

Love and light, your duchess.

Oh, it read it in the duchess' voice.

It's nice, that.

It's a nice touch.

It's like when people leave a letter for somebody in a soap opera, but it's in their voice.

What did it say?

Love and light.

For the juices of your choice.

I like for the juices of your choice.

Love and and light.

Your duchess.

Namaste, the duchess.

Yeah, love and light's very peace and love, isn't it?

Started yoga or something, apparently.

Belinda nearly dropped the glistening artifact in her shave.

For fuck's sake.

Oh, no.

There's a number one next to the

gift.

Who gives the gods a fresh shift?

Oh, fresh shift.

So,

unless he's writing no one.

Oh maybe.

Oh no one.

So we're going to say that's an exclamation mark.

Oh we've all done that.

Come on.

Yeah.

Especially when you write loads of exclamation marks because there's always a one at the end.

There's quite a lot of O's, so we've just probably got very excited.

It's a tricky business, this typing Malaki.

Versatility was Bella's bro's passion.

And he moved his Christmas cracker into her her front hole.

Front hole, there's no metaphor there.

It's just the front hole.

He's checking out.

The organisms were orgasming.

And with.

I hate them being called organisms.

That sounds like bacteria.

The organisms were orgasming.

And within the next 48 seconds, Benny, Bella's brother, came pre-people.

Came pre-people.

Pre-people.

Oh!

Pre-people!

Pre-people.

Pre-people.

I have no words.

That's awful.

Horrible.

What was he thinking?

I've said sperm.

What's the next stage of sperm?

I feel like he's never said sperm, though.

You could say sperm.

It's always called like

wallpaper paste or bread sauce.

Yeah.

As his salty sauce rushed up her estrogen estuary.

For God's stop it.

Just stop it.

Merry Christmas, everyone.

Goodbye.

Not before long, she plunged her fingers deep and started frigging her figgy pudding.

Friggy pudding.

Friggy pudding.

Friggy pudding is actually quite clever.

He didn't write.

He didn't do that, yes.

That's actually really good.

He didn't do that.

I mean, it was there on the page for him, and he didn't take the opportunity.

I feel like this should be treated as a workshop.

So we should be workshopping the writing and then come up with what the chapter should be doing.

Yeah, yeah.

So she plunged her fingers and gave us some friggy pudding.

That's great.

That's great.

Well done, James.

Very good.

She opened her perfect legs apart.

Opened her perfect legs apart.

Good, yeah, good.

Nothing to see here.

Carry on.

That checks out.

She opened her perfect legs apart, showing off her slowly parting lids.

Seven something apart.

Seven things apart.

Seven things apart.

As they peeled back.

What?

Peeled?

The Duchess thirstily licked her chops.

Chops.

Chops.

Whose chops?

Her own.

Okay.

Oh, I thought you meant the limbstick.

Or maybe it is.

I don't know.

I've heard of beef curtains.

I've never heard of lamb chops.

What are they called?

The knockers and chops.

As they peeled back, the Duchess thirstily licked her chops.

As Belinda groaned, the Duchess hummed, watching her perspiring pussy meat.

Disgusting

Sweaty pussy meat.

Chops meat.

Pussy meat and chops.

Oh my god.

There's just an offal down there.

That is cat meat that's been left on every fire for a week.

For days.

Oh my god, that just genuinely made some sick come into my mouth.

Aspiring pussy meat is actually making meat.

Oh, it just came off again.

I can't stop it.

Dad, that is, that is.

So it's clammy.

That's

as much as.

Oh my god.

Here's Here's what I picture: spam.

A bit of hacked up spam.

You know how you need the key to open the can.

Oh my god.

Comes out in a cube.

That's what I'm picturing.

And it's sweaty when it comes out of the can.

It's perspiring.

Don't.

Honestly, I'm getting something.

Your eyes are watering.

So the Duchess hummed watching.

It hummed.

That meat hummed.

Honestly.

It's straight up.

It's very high.

Very high, that meat.

The Duchess hummed, watching her perspiring.

I'm so sorry.

I'm not joking.

I have just a sip of water.

I'm so sorry.

I'm so sorry.

One sec.

That's not making me feel well at all.

Just when it was deemed wet enough,

the Duchess twisted the thick candy cane into her mistress.

I do so love the Xmas traditions.

I'm sorry.

It's an Xmas tradition

in anyone's house.

Oh my God.

I honestly, I don't feel good.

Belinda's tits shook with lust

for Santa!

Whilst her nipples harded in anticipation.

My nipples have harded.

Whilst her nipples harded in anticipation of what Mr.

Claus was about to do with her body.

Oh god.

Her cervix tightened automatically.

Don't.

I mean, that's the least of my worries.

We wish you a merry cervix and a happy uterus.

Each one of them needed a fuck as much as the other, and no one, yes, no one, was going to stop them now.

Okay, two things.

One, I'm pretty sure that Santa needs more of a fuck than Belinda.

I don't want to cast aspersions on his sex life.

But I'm going to say,

Papa Noel probably needs more than a moment.

Santa comes comes but once a year

that's what it needs.

No!

Arthur Christmas comes but once a year.

Oh, very good.

They lay there, sweat dripping down their curves.

It was the Duchess to break the hush of breathing.

I can't remember the last time I was touched like that.

But

I'm confused.

Does this make me a lesbian?

Sorry.

I spat everywhere, sorry.

Thanks for that.

Does it make her a lesbian?

No, it makes you bisexual.

So she's like, but I'm confused.

Does this make me a lesbian?

Oh, Gertrude, Belinda replied.

Labels are for gifts under the tree, never for those who are sexually free.

Yes, Rocky.

Slash Rocky.

Yeah, I love that.

I put that on a t-shirt.

What was it?

Labels are for gifts under the tree.

Never for those who are sexually free.

I really like that.

Really like that.

It's their time to add that to the Christmas merch line.

Seriously.

Not fly off the shelves.

He's learning.

He's learning, isn't he?

And poetry.

Yeah, it's quite good, though, I think.

Yeah.

Better than some of your rhymes, actually, James.

Howdy.

How day I was telling.

With credit to him, though, he's always been about the labelless life.

Totally.

I think mainly because it probably just all confuses him quite a lot.

So he's like, I just won't comment on it.

You be whatever you want to be.

It's easier for me, that way.

More material.

It was Christmas.

Yes.

Have a good one.

Sorry.

Was this a whole thing?

Basically, in our own office.

It was Christmas.

Have a good one.

Weirdest Christmas card.

ever.

And here's a little bit of Christmas unheard content.

Actually, speaking of that, in your house when you were younger, and actually now,

were you taught that it was very important that when you bought somebody a present, it was a surprise?

Well, we were never encouraged to ask for anything specific, actually.

We always would ask for surprises, mainly because my parents couldn't afford the things that we'd have wanted.

So it's like, you'll get surprises.

Then no one's disappointed that way.

Because I remember my brother being really excited that he bought me a present.

And my the present for me was just getting him into trouble.

So I said, Oh, like, just so you know, like, Nana's got me the Louise album on CD.

So as long as you've not got me that, because it felt like that, you know, like under the tree, it was like square.

It's Louise, Louise.

The uh, Louise the Naked Era.

It was naked, yeah.

It was the album Naked.

International listeners, um, I think her only album.

I think so, yeah.

Although she has come back recently.

Oh, fantastic.

She was in Eternal, right?

Big fan of Eternal.

I was a big fan.

And Max was like, oh no.

Oh, but...

And I went, so you've got it for me.

And then I went, ma'am.

Max has just told me what he's got.

He lived.

He had.

I'm so not surprised.

That is how you live your life.

Oh, via little rat.

And he hasn't forgotten it.

Because he was so devastated because he'd really like hyped up to the grand reveal of Louise Naked.

Speaking of gifts, I actually have your birthday present still in this house, which I know was six months ago, but I forgot to give it to you.

Do you want it now?

Is this a joke?

It is real.

You'll think it's a joke, but it had a heartfelt meaning to me.

Is this a rotten basket of fruit or something?

Bear with.

You better not have got me Louise on CD.

It's funny what that story reminded me of.

It's not Louise on CD.

Quite fair.

It's Britney Spears on vinyl.

Britney Spears on vinyl.

Do you know why?

What a good point.

Thank you.

Because.

I cannot wait for this explanation.

When we're backstage before a show,

Alice's go-to song to play is Sometimes.

Yes, we do love Sometimes.

And I was like, just to always remember that you now can play it on your vinyl machine.

Sometimes I ran.

And it's got a picture of Brittany printed on the actual vinyl.

It's quite an iconic image.

Super rare, this is what I had to get it from America.

Super rare.

Super rare.

Well, free Brittany.

She's free.

Oh, my goodness.

Thank you so much, Jamie.

And I will, of course, bring a vinyl player with us on tour so that we can play from the original.

As she intended for it to be heard on the crackly vinyl.

Just going back to the surprises as presents.

Oh, sorry, yes.

That doesn't really happen in my house.

Everyone very specifically knows what they want and asks for it and expects it.

Okay.

In fact, we do like a round-robin email chain where everyone puts their Christmas list on it.

And I had my stepdad's request

for this year.

For this year, the other day.

Oh my god, amazing.

Both of these, I was like, what are they?

First of all, bike carrier Fakia hatchback for two times bikes.

Oh!

That's so dad.

How brand specific.

Second, card models from Brookfield Garden Centre.

Card models?

What's a card model?

Card model.

That's it.

That is it.

From where?

Brookfield Garden Centre.

It's near.

Congratulations for the shout-out.

It's in Nottingham.

It's a lovely garden centre.

James is hoping to get a little dizzy on that one.

He just read those out, so they'll bring them to him for free.

He doesn't have to pay for them.

Oh, look, we just got a DM from Kia.

I've got some hanging baskets.

Does that not take all the excitement out of Christmas morning, though?

Yes.

You know what you've opened?

Yeah, what's the point?

Because I'm like, buy me a surprise.

Yeah.

Just like one person gets somebody, and then somebody.

So everyone only gets one gift.

Oh, yeah.

It's a secret Santa situation.

Right.

Okay.

Got even less exciting.

Get one thing that you know what it is.

Great.

It all came out there, didn't it?

Oh, good.

So

hang on, here's the ultimate test.

You still got that vinyl?

I actually do.

Oh, she's got it.

Yeah, I do.

I've got all the vinyls because Rocky's a big vinyl gifter as well.

Also, it's a very good vinyl, actually.

You'd think it would be sort of novelty.

Right, no, no.

It's good stuff.

Do you have a vinyl player?

I do.

Do you have a CD player for Louise?

Sadly, no.

I couldn't tell you where that is now.

Although my brother will be completely thrilled that justice has been served and everybody knows what a vicious little toad I am.

You finally come clean.

He actually talks about it quite often.

Like, he refers to.

He's Max.

Go over it.

You need to let it go, babe.

But

it was a nasty thing to do.

It's a nasty thing to do.

Nasty woman.

Nasty woman.

And James, did you buy the Kia bike hair?

I think that was from 2021, if that helped.

Oh, God.

All right, archivist.

Jesus.

Thank God someone's on it.

Well, just because we were about to go on tour.

Do you mean you know from the audio or you always know because you know what James's stepdad gets for Christmas?

Do you know what?

I've got him again this year.

Oh god, I shouldn't say that because.

Oh, James, he's not listening to this.

That's true.

Well, this year he wants a coffee machine.

Oh, bloody coffee.

Oh, wow.

A Bosch coffee machine.

What do you want?

Some cardboard.

Cardboard last year.

I'm like, what happened to the stepdad of the past?

He wants a bloody sage so he can do his barista impression.

Seriously?

I said he wants a bloody sage so he can get his barista impression.

Alice, stop trying to spunk on Mike.

She's jizzing everywhere today.

I haven't done my secret Santa list this year.

I need to send mine to you.

What do you want?

What do I want?

Alice, I've got everything I need.

Hashtag blessed.

You like smelly things, don't you?

You like like expensive, smelly things.

I feel like you like quite expensive clothes.

I have got into candles recently.

What I will say is: if you do get a posh candle this Christmas, you only need to burn it for half an hour at a time.

Okay, that is my recommendation.

That is as they are designed to be used.

You are wasting your own money if you're continuing to burn them after that.

They will.

Hang on.

That's actually a massive life hack.

What?

You're supposed to burn them for half an hour and blow them out.

Why?

Really?

Because they're supposed to...

That's supposed to emit.

That gives you all you need.

For a bit.

Yeah.

To keep burning it is to sort of like overdo it so just emit for a bit emit for a bit is my mantra so hang on so how long does that bit last for look how interest i've literally never seen him so interesting he's writing things down i'm so out of my depth already and they're like so what's the science behind that and i'm like burning so like for you you would burn it for half an hour then leave it but suppose you've got people like here all evening

Would you leave it for two hours then start burning it again for half an hour?

No, I think I might set fire to it while they're here.

Set fire to it.

Okay, that's my proper parlance.

parlance.

Pop it out half an hour after that.

I don't think I'll be relighting that.

Really?

I might have a decorative non-centred candle out for everyone to enjoy.

But I don't need to be burning that.

She'd swap it out, you sneaky little bitch.

So don't listen to take that.

Don't relight your fire.

Don't, for God's sake, don't.

Don't relight your fire.

And we're full circle.

From Brittany to Louise to take that.

It really is Christmas.

And Patty LaBelle.

Yeah.

It's been the musical episode everyone.

You just checked it.

What?

I think it might be bullish.

What, the omit for a bit?

Forbes says I'm wrong.

Oh, what does it say?

It says, first time you burn it, it should be for two to three hours.

And then it says, make sure you're never burning for just 20 minutes.

Oh my.

Try to get at least an hour.

You're talking out your ass.

I don't know.

Where did I get that from?

Do you have any Christmas tips?

Well, actually, Christmas Eve, we always do a beef wellington, and the secret to to that is chopping your mushrooms so tiny that it basically becomes a paste

and you do a lovely wellington actually what you need to get is the wellington tool i'm sorry there's a special tool that goes over your pastry you know when you do the little dashed lines in it yeah there's a roller which makes the dashed lines very even so when you open up the pastry jacket that goes on the wellington it's perfect oh wow that's a great tip but i don't believe a word that comes out of your mouth

And you must never cook a Wellington for more than half an hour.

Turkey can be eaten raw.

Sushi turkey, anybody?

I'm going straight to Dipteek to ask them where I got this from.

There we go.

Knew there'd be a fucking shout out at the end.

Right.

Well, our gift to you was this hour away from your family, or maybe it brings the families together, who knows?

But we've got to wrap it up at some point.

So I think all that remains to say is...

Merry Christmas.

Merry Christmas.

And Alice?

Happy New Year?

Yes.

Oh.

And happy holidays, etc.

Happy holidays.

Yeah.

To you and yours.

To you and yours.

One, two, three.

To you and yours.

Consider this your sign to skip the what's for dinner debate tonight.

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Three courses, starting at $14.99.

Tell the group chat you'll see them at Outback.

Price and participation may vary.