The Best Of (And Unheard Bits) - Part Five

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Coach, the the energy out there felt different.

What changed for the team today?

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Are you saying it was the off-field play that made the difference on the field?

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Hello, and welcome to the best of Madad Roda Porno.

It's installment five, guys.

Instalment five.

Is that what you're calling it?

Sounds like episode five?

Sounds like deposits for a house or something.

Tranche?

It's the fifth one.

It's the fifth one.

What do you want from me?

And we're talking all about the best of the guests.

The sweet of the guests.

And what guests we've had over the years.

And what experiences with the guests.

Because early doors, and maybe this was just sort of the naivety of youth, but we used to cook for them and sit and have dinner before they sat and did the podcast.

They would have a full three-course meal and then we'd record with them.

Yeah, it was nuts.

Like Daisy Ridley popping around with those two bottles of Prosecco.

Michael Sheen being absolutely famished at your house and then having to rifle in my bag for a half open bag of pop chips to feed him.

And he brought one bottle of red wine.

We obviously drank that within five minutes and said to James, can have another drink.

And you had nothing in your house.

There was nothing

in a single.

I'm never in.

That can't always be your excuse.

It's takeaways or nothing.

Emma Thompson made us dinner.

Lovely fish pie her husband made, didn't he?

Delicious.

And do you remember when Steve Mangan came round and we were like, Can we get you a cab home?

And he was like, No, I just had a baby.

I'm going to walk.

I'm going to take some time.

I think he even said, I'm going to buy a lion bar.

He's like, I just need this moment of freedom.

And then some of them weren't even in the country.

Do you remember that insane night out with Nicholas Hole?

Oh, yeah, Montreal.

Watch out.

Like, such a crazy night.

It went in so many directions.

Then we went to like a one-in-the-morning Kevin Hart gig that we went through.

Oh, yeah, you know, Kevin Hart.

And, like, Nick was like, these are my friends.

They do whatever I for them.

And he's like, okay, cool.

He was very nice.

He was really nice.

Yeah, some really fun adventures we've had with these guys.

We've had one recently.

Alice, I think me and and Jamie need to tell you about this because I don't think we've told you yet.

You've had a guest without me.

No,

but we found out someone else listened to the podcast.

Oh, yeah.

It's a good one.

So we were at the Olivier Awards, which is like a theatre award show.

You two are such darlings of the theatre world.

I prefer the term hag, thank you.

So it was at the Royal Abbott Hall, and we were just walking to our seats, and then someone passed us, or a group of people passed us, and we just heard someone say, Oh my god, I love your podcast.

So we stopped, turned around, and it was Paul Mezcall.

Paul Mezcal.

I nearly fainted.

James screamed, I think.

It was quite a person.

Screamed.

You're like, oh, my God.

I said, you're joking.

He's like, I fucking love your podcast.

Okay, yeah, you shouted.

You're joking.

You're right.

Why wasn't I there?

Because you hate the theatre.

That's true.

No, because I hate the night time.

But if you do it in the daytime.

Well, it starts at four.

I think.

Okay, actually, this is the event for me.

This is unbelievable.

Paul Mescal.

I adore his work.

Oh, yeah, total legend.

But, you know, we're constantly finding out about people who are porno fans.

You know, even if you haven't outed yourself publicly, doesn't mean we don't know that you're a little pervert out there.

The other day, Josh O'Connor came out of the woodwork as a porno fan.

The crown, love him.

Yeah, the crown, yeah.

And of course, Lupita Neongo.

No, I'm sorry I'm cutting you off because actually she posted on Instagram

family.

No, it was.

Okay, this is frankly a conspiracy theory now.

It makes QAnon look mainstream.

You've gone down a rabbit hole and I don't know if I'll ever get you back, okay?

They're litigious in America.

But yes, we've had amazing, amazing people that have decided to, you know, kind of risk their careers and reputations by appearing on Madad Rotoporna, particularly in the early years when crossing the Rubicon.

Yeah, do you remember Daisy Ridley?

Was like, no one knows I'm here.

Yeah, she didn't tell Disney, did she?

Or her agents or her publicists or anyone.

Well, should we cast our minds back and listen to some of the great voices we've had on the show?

Absolutely.

Lynn Manuel Miranda.

Does Belinda Blink the Musical have legs?

It has legs, it has a cervix.

Yeah, I mean, the log line's very simple, right?

In the New York Times edits, you know, one woman sleeps and sings her way to the top of the pots and pans industry.

Great.

Right?

Like, I'm in.

Like, I want to see that musical, like, done.

Yes.

It depends on the story.

I mean, I I don't even know if

just

so many random people just have sex with it.

It's like, what do you focus on?

What strand do you there's too many?

Yeah, I mean, I mean, this could be Nicholas Nickleby if we're not careful.

It'll be eight hours long.

You and Harry Potter do it every two nights, maybe three, four nights.

Yeah, a week of the fit.

Belinda and the cursed child.

I mean, there's something pure about the storytelling of we are in the room, we don't know with who.

Belinda's interviewing for the job.

That is scene one.

Yeah.

Scene one, song one.

She'll do whatever it takes.

I mean, that's almost the name of the first fucking song.

Whatever it takes.

Whatever it takes.

And that's the I want song, right?

That's the sets her story.

Unless, I mean, usually in an opening number, you want to set the world.

So do we set the pots and pans in this change?

It's a world of secrets.

It's a world of pots and pans.

Sex lies and Teflon races, I don't know.

Yeah, and then she would sort of come in and she would have one of those dramatic entrances where her back is to the audience first, and then she kind of turns to them, and then we get the entrance applause.

Oh, yeah.

Who's the musical theater actress who plays Belinda?

I'll go to jail for even suggesting anyone.

I think.

I actually have one.

Laura Berante, I think, would be a good idea.

Oh, she's so good.

She's

really funny, too.

Yes.

Yeah, she could have that like Alexander Hamilton moment.

Just says her name.

Right, pots and pots and pots and pans, and then the crowd parts, and there's Belinda.

And it's like, blink!

A A blink.

Oh, the blink.

I mean, what's the musical motif of the blink?

We'll figure it out.

These are the problems I deal with.

We'll figure it out.

You know, what's the

that's the Surratt dot motif.

Yes, in Sunset.

So what is the blinking motif?

Okay.

Right.

And what do you mean by that?

What noise?

Yeah, like what is the musical theme

that accompanies a blink of surprise of the world is about to change?

And there's also so many good visual things about it.

The Tombola is a huge.

The Tombola.

Oh my God.

That's a huge.

that's like everyone on stage, right?

That's the Act One closer.

That's big.

And then the Duchess picks her, and then that's the end of Act One.

Oh, very good.

The Duchess end of Act One.

I love it.

The Wizard will see you now.

Yeah, very easy.

Yeah, that's great.

Plus, we don't need too many sets because most of it's in the maze in Book One, right?

So we just need

the maze.

I forgot all about the maze.

So much has happened.

So much.

Well, it feels like we're talking about book one then.

I mean, we're not, we can't fit it all in.

There's just no way.

Dame Emma Thompson.

Now, Em, you not only have an Oscar for acting, you also have one for writing.

So, as an expert, is my dad any good?

What a face.

Oh,

um,

look,

hands over eyes for the listeners.

We have to go.

Sorry.

Yeah, you're selling out the album haul.

I think we can safely say he's a fucking genius.

I mean, he is.

Come on.

How else have we got here?

It's a good point, actually.

We don't give him enough credit, I don't think.

I don't think you do.

No.

It's a certain style.

It is.

It's a very specific kind of subsect of writing, but he's owned it very much so.

Oh, God, he has.

He has.

It's the regional sales aspect of it all.

It's as though.

Do you remember that film The Fly with Jeff Goldbrum when there were those two pods and there was Jeff and a fly and they got mixed up?

So it's as though there was sort of a Jackie Collins and like motoring for beginners.

or you know they were in those pods and they just got whammed together and and that's what came up like a freak a freak scientific experiment experiment sort of thing

where various different writing styles got just churned up into the horrible frankenstein's monster yeah yeah yeah he did zero research he's never read an erotic novel um and i don't think it shows at all

i think he's really done well i don't think he needed to no did he i think it would have really curtailed curtailed his creativity.

I do too.

I think there's just something he's just extrapolated in the most extraordinary way.

And I mean, all power to him, really.

Yeah.

There's a huge sort of generosity to it.

Sure.

It's incredibly charitable.

Let's unpackage that.

But I think there is a generosity.

I met your dad and he's a generous soul.

He's got it with himself.

You know, he is.

And my mum's an absolute amazing firecracker of a feminist, has raised us all as great feminists.

Not sure where my dad kind of fits into that, but actually, oddly, I think his books are quite feminist.

Yeah, you're right, absolutely.

He is one of the great feminist writers of our time.

Yes,

you know, from Beauvoir to Rocky, he's literally one tiny little

don't Emma.

It's barely a step.

It's a shuffle.

He's basically a Bronte sister.

He really is.

What I worry now is that's going to be in his email signature, Emma Thompson, the greatest feminist author of our time.

Rocky Flintstone is a feminist icon.

Nicholas Holt, we are going on Giselle's Henu

next episode.

I've been on a Henu once.

What?

You went on a Hindu?

Well, no, this is, I don't know if I should get into this story.

I feel like it was a bit of a weird one where I was in LA and then I got a phone call from a friend and they're like, what are you doing?

And this was when I was 19.

I was literally sitting in my hotel room reading scripts and they were like, I'm going out with a few friends if you want to join.

I was like, okay.

And they said, meet at the Saddle Ranch.

You know the Saddle Ranch on Sunset?

Oh, yeah.

We know it well.

Like a Texan cowboy themed bar with like a mechanical ball.

It's the Lazy Pea Ranch, really.

I walked in and I was like, oh, duh,

and then I looked and there was a table with a Hindu, cock paraphernalia everywhere.

And I looked and I was like, oh, that's the group I meet.

And it was all these women.

all like mid-20s to mid-30s and I was 19 I was like oh boy

I walked over and then I won't go into the full story but I was basically meat oh no right hang on come on it was not what I expected

hens are wild yeah

they go absolutely crazy yeah what do you mean you were meat well I was like the only guy there I was also 19 years old and it was just like a novelty for them wasn't it were you torn limb from limb point where they touched you

use the doll to identify the area

anyway wait

how many how many people did you kiss that night um no i was actually very well behaved why did you just put your hand in the air?

Excuse me, sir.

It was like I was in court, Your Honour.

No, I was very well behaved.

Okay.

No, you weren't.

I was.

I was.

Well, then, why are you being so shady about it?

Exactly.

Why can't you go into the story if you're so well behaved?

Because all these people still exist and are all alive.

I'm alive.

I was just eight years ago.

What kind of crazy thing is that?

It's only been

eight years.

Okay, one more question.

Okay.

And then I'll leave it alone.

Were you fully clothed for the whole evening?

Pretty much.

I'll give you this.

I'll give you this.

There was a moment when we got in a car and we were travelling somewhere else and I was like pinned down and people were eating salt off of me.

Salt, not salt.

Not down there.

Yeah, not down there.

Not down there.

From where?

From your armpit.

From my nipples.

Oh, no.

I should never have come on there.

Eating salt.

Do you mean like because of shots, like tequila shots?

Well, there weren't any shots in the car, so I'm not sure.

Just all these dehydrated women.

I don't know what to tell you.

I really don't.

Dan Levy.

Obviously, there's been a lot of talk about the movie version of Belinda Blink.

So this is your opportunity to get it.

Get on your knees, start begging.

Who would you like to play?

If nothing, then just a physical descriptor.

I guess thick-brimmed glasses.

Oh!

As soon as that descriptor came up, I was like, well, this is me.

And then I guess it was a very flattering depiction of my body, if that were the case.

Thick-rimmed by name, thick-rimmed by nature, then.

Exactly.

My question to you is: when is this movie actually happening?

Well, that is the question.

I mean, we are having, you know, Spielberg's interested,

Cameron's interested.

He said, after Avatar, he's going to do Belinda Blink.

Just James and Diaz, that is.

You have a cast of actors that would, you would have funding for this movie in a heartbeat.

So we'll talk after this is all done, but I really want to help this get made.

But who would write the screenplay?

Like, Rocky would have to adapt his own book to the screen, like E.L.

James did, I guess, with 50 Shades.

And that worked so well.

So, you know,

history can just repeat itself, right?

How about this, though?

I'm throwing something out there.

I feel like Rocky.

and David Lynch.

Oh, yeah.

Writing something together.

I feel like David Lynch's films exist in that strange space of like, what is happening?

What did I just look at?

It would be artful if we like brought in a David Lynch type figure to really help, how do I describe this, refine maybe some of the rougher edges of Rocky's writing and really

sort of raise the bar in terms of what we could actually do or say with this.

I would just love to be a fly on the wall in that room where Rocky and David Lynch are brainstorming.

Yeah.

that's the documentary that's sort of supplementary content for all of this.

Oh my god, David Lynch is like, Rocky, we need to be more mainstream.

Has there been sort of a common actress that people have pitched for Belinda that is sort of at the forefront of our casting search?

Um, that's the one role we no one wants to play Belinda.

I don't know why.

I will say this: the characters' faces from the artwork on the books, at least from the ones that you can purchase in america it is i'm not gonna lie there's a lot of people in los angeles that look like those characters um

you can find many belindas in the city of los angeles not so shockingly

daisy ridley i know who i'd want to be go on i'd want to be the duchess in prosthetics

oh my nice

i can't actually remember what it is they do together, and now I feel creepy.

Seriously, you may want to read that.

I just feel like it would really push my acting ability.

Oh, my God.

It would be a challenge for you.

Yeah, you need a backstory for that one, I tell you.

Absolutely.

You just want to wear a Panama hat, don't you?

Absolutely, and have a riding crop.

Yeah.

Doesn't something happen on a horsebox?

Yes.

Yeah.

That's how she transports Belinda around, apparently.

Oh, she can't ride up front.

Is that a bad choice?

I mean, not if you like big black dildos.

Sorry, ma'am.

Sorry, Louise, really sorry.

But also, I feel like the Duchess was actually pretty important in the first book.

Oh, yeah.

I think the Duchess informed some of Belinda's choices.

Yeah.

And it led Belinda to where she is today.

Kind of a mentor figure for Belinda Rollins.

Absolutely.

Yeah.

Can you give us your Duchess voice?

Because obviously you'll have to play it at the beginning.

Oh, my God, I can't.

This could be your Oscar role.

Like, you know.

I mean, I didn't want to say

that the transformation,

the commitment.

Do you know what?

Yeah.

I mean, a literary adaptation, it ticks all the boxes.

Absolutely.

Do you know what I mean?

Absolutely.

You're so transparent.

That's what this is all about.

All I want is an Oscar right now.

And I thought, you know the way to get it?

The Duchess.

We get it.

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Terms apply.

Coach, the energy out there felt different.

What changed for the team today?

It was the new game day scratchers from the California Lottery.

Play is everything.

Those games sent the team's energy through the roof.

Are you saying it was the off-field play that made the difference on the field?

Hey, a little play makes your day, and today it made the game.

That's all for now.

Coach, one more question.

Play the new Los Angeles Chargers, San Francisco 49ers, and Los Angeles Rams Scratchers from the California Lottery.

A little play can make your day.

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CSLB number 978152.

Michael Sheen.

Talking of the classics,

I think there is an argument to be made that there are similarities between

your father's work and Hamlet.

Hear me out.

I'm just going to let you speak.

What a deep breath that was.

So there have been some great works of literature,

theatrical literature, such as Hamlet, such as Look Back in Anger by John Osborne, that were written in a rush, in a feverish rush.

Right.

John Osborne apparently wrote Look Back in Anger in a week.

It just poured out.

Hamlet, I believe Shakespeare wrote in a kind of a frenzy.

And it's almost like they put so much into it so quickly that they're not in control of what goes in there.

So people have talked about Hamlet.

T.S.

Eliot, the famous poet, once criticized Hamlet as being certainly a failure of a play because technically it doesn't hold together.

The timelines are all messed up.

Oh.

Does that ring a bell?

Things seem to take much longer than they actually do in real time or shorter.

You're never quite sure of the geography of anywhere.

It's all a bit like a dream.

Does that ring a bell?

Does that ring a bell?

Oh my God.

And there are certain moments in it where you question the reality of what's going on even.

So I would like to say that I think, you know, Rocky does write these very quickly, we know.

People tend to underestimate the power of the work.

but uh i believe great pieces of literature have been written in this way have you just compared rocky to shakespeare yes i have wow but james both pieces have got iconic lines to be or not to be and the flesh of mankind

i mean you know oh what a piece of work is man and the flesh of mankind i mean it could be if you said to someone where does the flesh of mankind come from i bet one out of three would say hamlet

that's quite a taste of hamlet

i don't want to walk into the museums in years to come and like the flesh of mankind is written on the wall in like italic writing.

This is my greatest fear that actually it's a genuine piece of literature, a milestone of the medium.

I'm terrified.

Yeah, if Federico Fellini, the great Italian master filmmaker, were still alive, he would do such an extraordinary job of this film.

Do you know what?

Eight and a half is similar.

Yeah.

Michael, you have to stop.

I can't.

I can't stop.

It's like a cross between Fellini and Lynch

with

with some Lindsey Anderson thrown in.

I can't stop.

It's just delicious.

George Ezra.

What did you think of the love eggs, by the way?

Well, did you know?

That was an education to me.

I didn't really know what they were.

No.

I knew about them.

Not from like

first-hand experience, but I remember.

Don't say first-hand.

Second-hand works.

Second-hand hand works.

He knows it from first ass experience.

But I've heard, I remember there being a conversation on tour, which started a lot sweeter, which is you can buy a pillow if you've got a loved one that went, you buy two and you travel with it.

And when you put your head on yours, there's lights up.

So they know you're in bed.

Which I thought was really cute.

It's quite cute.

But then everyone was like, yeah, but you could just put bricks on it and be like,

yeah.

Been a great gig, just off to bed.

But then it got onto the conversation of someone said you can get knickers that do the same.

They're underwear that your partner can control from the other side of the world, which was what that kind of.

I think.

I think.

And then it got onto the love eggs.

When you say control.

I think they vibrate.

I think there's like some kind of...

Stop walking you to this shop.

I said I want lasagna.

It's like the rum trousers, honestly glover.

What I mean is with all these things, I'm just like, firstly, how long are you away from home for?

That it's like,

where the love eggs that I can control.

Get a half dozen love eggs away from you in the week.

Anyone want a love omelet?

Oh my God.

How do you like you?

Haley Atwell.

Jamie was in a childhood band

and he wrote a very moving song called Masks.

And one of the incredible lines in it is Masks.

Hiding personalities.

Masks hiding feelings too.

Masks hiding away all your pain.

Personalities hiding away.

Wow, that was really deep.

It was.

I was a very, very traumatised child.

How have we never talked about that?

How old were you?

Oh, like 27.

I have an image of you in your bedroom with your back to the door as your dad like passing it, opening it, seeing the back of you on like a keyboard, having like a

reset demo mode, and you talking about hiding away my pain and the mask.

It was me and my sister, it was, yeah, was your band called?

Yeah, what were the names?

We were called, well, there were two names.

I thought that we were called the universe, but my sister says that we were called two for two, which I don't think we were, but that's what she calls.

Universe, that's quite good.

That reminds me of a DT project that I had to do when I was 14.

Design technology for the international listeners.

And you had to be, that was right, you had to do a package as a music producer.

And you had to come up with a label name.

But

I called my music label Universe.

And the tagline was: Uni is in one verse song.

Universe, there is only one song.

There is only one universe.

There is only one song.

What a great record label.

We have one song.

We're going to take over the world, guys.

So we recorded a song, and I still remember some of the lyrics today.

It was called

I Don't Want to Go to School Today.

And it goes, I don't want to go to school today

because I love you, boy, but I can't pretend that you don't belong to your mother's friend.

I don't want to go to school today.

And you know what?

Baby.

Oh my god, that was great.

Wow, there is only one song.

I remember that.

I've got here we go.

Don't know what I'm supposed to do.

Don't know where I should go.

It's true.

I've been avoiding coming face to face with my emotions.

Coming face to face with you.

I don't want to go to school today.

That's good.

I'm loving it.

I love you, boy, but you can't pretend that you don't belong to mamma's friends.

That's my favorite bit.

That's my favorite bit.

Yeah, but again, dent, that bit, yeah.

Oh, and then

what's that bit where it all drops?

We don't know the song, so

I mean, like, when you write a song, what's that bit where you just the bridge?

And it goes, um, wait, hang on.

What's the bit where

And I hope and pray one day it'll be all right.

It'll be all right.

Everything.

When you first kissed me, everything's upside down.

Now I can't face her face in the classroom.

But tonight, pray you'll come around.

Oh my god, I think we could make the whole song out of all that.

Our listeners are really creative, so anyone who wants to go and make that into an actual song will be a little bit more likely to be.

Joe likes it.

My main concern though is that the Duchess in the book, her favourite accessory is a large black dildo that she keeps in a zinc line case.

Yeah, that's about right.

I've got an office in Birmingham and I've been annoying them the neighbours recently because I've got a dildo that I bought for a joke and that's my story and I won't air from it.

Um but it's got a suction pad on the bottom, as dildos often have these days, so that you can attach it to a surface and then sit on it.

And the uh in my office I've got a lot of glass and I've devised a game which is to see if you can throw the dildo and it affixes and you have to sort of grab it from the tip, from the bell end, and then throw it s in a sort of swooping motion so that it spins and lands on the suction bit.

It's like urban welly wanging.

Do you know that one where at like country fates you just throw a Wellington boot, but this is a little bit more yeah?

Yeah, it's like a saucer version of that.

Oh, yeah, it's taken me ages.

But I have I've had a couple of sort of friends in the office for various reasons recently, and we've been playing Throw the Dildo.

And actually, at one point, it nearly went out of an open window into the courtyard, which I would have been really

where old Frank was taking his morning

stroll around.

Constitutional.

So I've been annoying the neighbours because it bangs quite heavily.

It's not a light dildo.

I'm not going to shell out for a dildo.

It isn't at least three stone.

I mean, if you went round somebody's house or apartment or flat to have sex with them and they threw a dildo against a window and it stuck immediately.

And it's smashed.

It's three stone.

I think that would get me going.

I'd be like, yeah, smashing.

Thomas Middleditch.

I was recently in England.

At one point, we went up to York, and every night there was some crazy hen party with just like women who had so much fake tanner on and the most mascara,

like all at the same time.

It's like, get that eyeliner thick and make sure your skin is orange, like Trump style.

We haven't met Thomas, but you've just described me.

Thank you.

Yeah, but I kind of think her uh of Belinda as her.

Like, that's the kind of image I have of just someone clomping around on high heels, like, fucking up their ankles on the cobblestones, being like, Oh, which one are we going to next?

Proper Essex girl.

Yeah, yeah.

Come on, you know.

Oh, my God, that's so Belinda.

You can see the top of her breast, but then also her gut, like,

that's the curve at the beginning.

I really do think those drawings on your Instagram were perfect.

That is so Belinda.

Just like this portly body with her hair and she's just like gung-ho like smiling

oh when they got auctioned off which was like it was after the maze right like she's just brought in covered in like jizz signs and mud yeah like ancient runes ancient like witch runes

And she's just like a total mess.

And she's like, ooh, I wonder who's going to get auctioned off.

And like, it's like, no, Belinda, you from from the get-go.

Of course, it's you, you mess.

And then she gets auctioned off at a crowd of people who have their business with their wives there.

And their wives have just sat around on those chairs.

Yeah, yeah, like, Doug, don't vote.

Oh, come over to the company retreat.

You're supposed to.

It's for charity, baby.

Okay.

And then Doug disappears for 12 hours and comes back.

Red roll.

Put your hand down.

You're not voting.

Oh, Doug is gutted that he didn't get Giselle.

Bold Giselle.

Yeah.

Oh, the motley crew of adventurers.

Rachel Bloom.

I think Belinda Blink takes place in the future.

And I think it takes place in a world, or it's an alternate universe, but I think it takes place in the future.

And it's a world in which sex is now like everyone's fucking all the time and everyone's just kind of cool with it and it's kind of illicit, but kind of not.

But then there's another layer.

So

if we're saying it takes place in like the near future.

Sorry, I love how much thought you put into this recognition.

That's amazing.

Are you okay?

That's really debatable.

But I was thinking about it because I was trying to think about what's so funny about, because erotica's ridiculous.

Like erotica,

it's really, a lot of it is so ridiculous.

And I was trying to think about what makes Belinda Blink more ridiculous.

And I think it's this, that, like, there, there are no rules.

Like, it's like, these are the rules of the world we live in.

It's just kind of like everyone's always fucking.

So then I thought about it even more.

And I was like, ah, Belinda Blinked.

That's interesting.

And okay.

What if it's not just a random title?

Because it's like throughout the book, it's like Belinda Blinks.

What if in the future, in this world, everyone has like a computer chip in their brain?

Bear with me.

And when Belinda, when Belinda blinks, she's taking a snapshot of this specific moment and then, wait, wait,

sending these snapshots back to the past to your dad to write Belinda Blink.

Oh my God.

So you think that Belinda Blumenthal actually exists in the future as a real person?

I mean, do I think it?

I don't know.

Or do I know it?

Or do I know it?

Here's what I'll say: is that your dad suddenly just out of the blue

decided to write that, like, had he ever written before?

No, he hadn't.

It's very fishy.

I think you're right.

You're onto something here.

Very fishy, right?

And he has such a specific view of like who she is, what she looks like.

And he'd literally never written in his life.

All I'm saying is maybe it's the future trying to warn us about a potential sex dystopia.

You've absolutely thought about this more than my dad ever has thought about it, is what I would say.

Ben Barnes.

I bought Rocky something, a gift.

Oh.

It's not actually from me.

Oh.

But you're not the only one.

We're in a similar-ish sort of position.

You see this book?

A Woman's Guide to Loving Sex by Patricia Barnes.

No.

Oh my gosh.

This book was published in 1991 when I was

10 years old.

She can't breathe.

Thanks very much, mum.

And you can see in the front, she wrote, Dear Rocky, I hope Belinda finds love.

Best wishes, Tricia.

Oh, Tricia.

And

she crossed out

15 years' experience and put 40 years' experience as a sexual emeritor counselor because this book is so old.

And she was like, well, I have to change it.

I have to update the Bible.

Yeah, legend.

But there are some tidbits in here, which I feel A, A, are very helpful for Rocky, but also some quite good advice for Belinda.

And I remembered this when you guys texted me.

I was joking.

What do you read as the blurb?

Yeah.

A Woman's Guide to Loving Sex is the book every woman will want to read.

Companion to a major video setting new standards in this controversial field.

A major video?

A VHS.

It was a VHS.

I saw it when I was 11.

It is specifically for women and about women examining relationships from the female perspective.

And then I remember finding the VHS and like trying to play it.

And I remember it being, there being like soft core, like

reenactments, but then it would suddenly cut to my mum talking about it.

So I was like,

even at 10 or 11, I was like, turn it off, turn it off.

Josh Groban.

Are you inspired to write a song?

I mean, have you, when you've been listening, have you been thinking, oh, pots and pans, oh, there's something in the kind of business sphere?

Wow.

And you just grab a pen.

Blinking.

Belinda's always blinking.

Okay, blinking's dark.

Write that down, Alice.

Yeah, but that's not an opener.

That's like deep into the second act.

Okay.

I feel like in retrospect,

it's like a soliloquy.

It's a sad, melancholy

retrospect of the fact that, oh my gosh, what the blinking, what does it all mean?

Maybe it's Morse code.

That was quite Sun-Time-esque.

Oh, it was very Sun-Time-eye.

Yeah, yeah.

I was like, oh, it could be quite highbrow.

I feel like that could be a Chicago-y-type one for when she's stripping.

Oh, you think.

Yeah.

a big can-can number almost or something like that.

Or something from Gypsy.

Yeah.

The whole brass section working really, really hard.

Literally.

What's the I want?

There's always an I Want song at the beginning, isn't there, that establishes what the main character wants.

So it'd be Belinda talking about making some sort of big deal or getting the trouble.

A big bonus.

That's her main motivation, I think.

Right.

She wants to be noticed.

Yeah.

Yeah, she's not supposed to be seen in those busy pubs and restaurants.

What's the matter?

You make it so much deeper.

She just wants a voice.

She just wants to be seen.

I'm listening and I'm just thinking, yes, yes, yes, it's all very funny.

But

there's a woman screaming, screaming

for attention here.

Look, can we not see?

So it is, in fact, a classic tale.

I think it is.

I think it's a tale as old as time.

Right.

Thank you.

Has that been used?

I don't know.

Did you talk about that?

It's just coming.

I don't know where this is coming from.

I'm a vessel right now.

I'm a vessel.

I'll just go with it.

I'm a story as old as time or is it tale as old as time.

Yes, yes, yes.

Brilliant.

T-A-I-L.

It's a sex pun.

Do they sell teapots at Steel's?

I don't know.

We can make it work.

We can make it work.

Send pans.

Send pans.

Clink, clank, clink, clank.

We get stomp to come in and just

hit her pans.

That's a really great shout.

Yeah.

People love that as well.

So basically, Belinda Blinked the music will be like nude stomp.

We've nailed it.

We've nailed it.

We hit it.

Oh, man.

We We went a little sideways for a minute, but we hit the volume.

Because the worst thing about stomp is the clothes.

Is the lack of nudity.

Am I right?

I totally agree.

And the noise, but

they'll still need boots.

Yes, for the stomping and all.

But I'm guessing rather than bin lids, it's pan lids.

Yeah, it would have to be.

Yeah, okay.

Wooden spoons.

Yeah, for legal reasons, we'll have to change a few things.

Okay, so Taylor sold his time, nude stomp.

Yeah, romp.

Romp!

There you go.

This is why he gets paid the big bucks.

Come on.

Okay.

Well, now I know what to talk about tomorrow on stage.

We get it.

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Coach, the energy out there felt different.

What changed for the team today?

It was the new game day scratchers from the California Lottery.

Play is everything.

Those games sent the team's energy through the roof.

Are you saying it was the off-field play that made the difference on the field?

Hey, a little play makes your day, and today it made the game.

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Samara Weaving.

We have a house in the south coast in Maruia, Australia.

Oh, nice.

And there's not like a big creative studios or anything.

There's no casting directors that live there.

So I got an audition for 50 Shades of Grey.

This is like 10 years ago or something.

to be the lead.

Yeah.

Oh, okay.

And so I was in the middle of nowhere and none of my friends were around.

And it was just me, mum and dad.

And they were like, the deadline is you've got two days.

So you've got to get this done.

And I tried doing it, like recording the other person's lines on my phone and trying to match the timing, but it just wasn't working.

And I was like, oh my God, okay, okay, okay.

And the scenes were like gossiping about their sex lives.

Filthy.

So I asked my mom, I was like, mom, can you just like, just don't, don't, don't look at me.

Just don't look at me.

Just read it.

But then she kept like staring at me and she was like, what are you doing with your face?

Like, what?

You're like, I'm being sexy, mother.

Like, I'm, I'm a mam acting.

She was like, you don't need that much lipstick or, you know, so I like, was like, oh, no, no, no.

Hey, dad.

Oh, no.

Hey, dad, can you pause spying for a sec?

Can you just pause spying just for one minute?

I just need your help.

And I said the same, I was like, just don't look at me.

Just say the line.

Like, this is going to, I'm going to be in so much therapy for this.

But he got so into it.

He was.

Because he's a spy.

He's a spy.

He was like, tell me everything.

And I was, oh, he was like, was he any good?

Just like getting so, like, he became like

sexy little lady character, this 50-year-old man.

Did he get the part and you didn't?

Yes.

He plays the cute best friend.

Yeah, he's the best friend.

Stephen Mangan.

Dare we ask where you listen and when you listen?

I listen anywhere, really.

I hate to use the word, but it's seeped into every area of my life.

I have a one-year-old,

a few children.

My one-year-old, I've caught myself the other day humming, not singing.

And I thought, where have I heard?

Oh, no.

So, yeah, it does, it does permeate.

That could be damaging.

Could be, couldn't it?

Don't sing the monster prick song to yourself.

Listen, luckily, it was without words, but one day.

Does your wife listen?

No, she doesn't.

She's like, Where are you going tonight?

And I was like,

Some people do a podcast about a porn thing that one of their dad has written.

She's like, what?

I said, bye.

Jesse, where?

Apparently, a turkey slap is a thing.

Some people have tweeted us this week.

Oh, we didn't know that, did we?

A turkey slap is something.

That's what Jesse knows.

Do you know what it is?

Okay, guess what it is?

Is it like you just slap somebody around the face with a turkey?

Turkey porn.

Nearly.

Nearly.

On your bottom.

You slap someone around the face with your dick.

Oh!

Oh my god.

I wanted that reaction on video.

I also enjoy James going with your dick to Jesse Ware.

Just get your dick out.

With Jesse's massive schlong.

Isn't that just called a willy slap?

A willy slap?

Isn't the words just called that a willy slap?

Maybe it isn't your house, love.

I've been saying it wrong for years.

I was just saying, Sam, don't do a willy slap.

I'm sorry, why is it not called a sausage slap?

Yeah, yeah, why turkey?

Why turkey?

Yeah, good point.

I don't know, but yeah, we got loads of sweet slashes.

I guess so it's kosher for all, surely.

Sorry, I just googled turkey slap, the act of lovingly slapping your partner in the face with an erect or semi-erect penis.

How is that lovingly to...

Oh, it was like, yeah, catch this.

I love you.

So that was erect then.

I think people would prefer a semi-erect, because surely it hurts if it's erect.

You either get like a broken jaw or with an erect, or you may get like that almost whipping effect with a semi-erect, and then that could actually have more of a sting or like a kind of bounce.

Yeah, yeah.

What about like just flaccid?

You didn't talk about this shit with my machine.

You bring out the worst in us.

My god.

Elijah Wood.

We mustn't forget at any point that Jamie's dad wrote this.

Yeah.

He did actually ask me because I did tell him that we were talking to you today and he got very excited.

Yeah, he said, and this is a direct quote: he said, this is such an honour to have him on our show.

Please remind him to stand up straight.

So I hope you stood up straight, Elijah.

What does it mean?

God knows.

But he also said,

he asked a question to you and he said, Do you think, Elijah, that Rocky's future could be as bright as Tolkien's?

What do you think?

Ooh,

absolutely.

Said with such conviction.

Wow, pregnant pause.

Absolutely.

Well, he'll have a different kind of legacy.

No less impactful, I think, by indication of how many people listen to this podcast.

And if that is an indication of the influence that he's had and the legacy that he will potentially have, then

it's looking bright for Rocky Flintstone.

It certainly is.

He also asked another question, Jamie.

What was the other question?

What was the other question?

Oh, God.

He also asked, were you Bilbo or Frodo?

I can't quite remember.

Incredible.

Oh, that's brilliant.

It's quite an impressive roster, if we may say so ourselves.

It's like a bloody Wes Anderson film.

Massive cameos all over the place.

Go with me on this.

The Belinda Blink movie would be an equivalent kind of.

Where we get Wes Anderson as a director.

Oh, beautiful.

I guess the only difference being he works with the same people often, time and time again.

And when was the last time you guys heard from?

No, I won't.

I won't.

Busy people.

Busy people.

One thing I realized we never talked about, but it's a great story.

And it is guest related.

We get an email a couple of years ago.

Shoe horning in that caveat.

It is guest related.

There's a link.

Yeah, we get an email from NASA.

do you remember this oh yeah what does nasa stand for james the national aeronautics and space administration i actually didn't know that acronym i actually didn't either and i don't really know i asked you sorry what's sad is i know what e dad is but i don't know what that is i don't know what nasa is what is e dad everybody is yeah yeah uh burnt into the memory so we got an email from nasa we got an email from nasa just a few years ago yes that said

they are the kind of mental health support team for their staff.

Yeah, behavioural and like morale sort of department, wasn't it?

And what it turned out was astronauts on the International Space Station, while they're up there, get two calls to Earth with anyone that they choose.

You could be like, Beyoncé, I want to talk to Obama.

Obama.

Anyone.

They do have to answer the phone, though.

Yes.

And it's supposed to kind of help them connect with Earth.

It's supposed to help with their mental health.

It's a bit of a distraction from the daily grind, I suppose, of being in space, you know, that boring life of space.

Anyway, turns out one of the astronauts asked to speak to us.

Yeah, because she'd been listening to my dad Robert Porno in space.

Like that to me blows my little tiny brain that my dad's pornography has literally gone stratospheric.

It's in the universe.

You know, Belinda's flirting with the Milky Way.

It's so weird to me.

Well, we obviously said yes to a video call and we were asking NASA if we could have Rosa Ford's nest.

And guess what?

They said no.

Which I still think was kind of mean.

Well, I think they were worried we were going to reveal international secrets or something.

I don't know what I thought would happen when we logged on, but that first image, we should say, her name's Kayla Barron.

She's an incredible woman, has done so much amazing stuff with NASA, as well as several trips.

And has become like a friend, like came to our show in Seattle.

We hung out with her in London.

Like, it's, yeah, she's amazing.

She's probably our favourite astronaut friend.

So when it connected...

She's there in front of the camera and all of her hair is floating all around her.

Obviously, of course it is, but I just hadn't prepared myself for that.

That was one of the coolest things I've ever done in my time.

Then she floated through the ship and said, Do you want to see the sun rising over Earth?

Who says no to that?

And we all said, Oh my god, we've timed this so brilliantly.

I can't believe this is happening.

And didn't she say something like, Well, it does happen sort of 18 times a day or something?

Yeah.

Was it eight?

Eight times a day, I think she said.

What I loved is like, we were there for her mental health, and we were just like, show us out the window.

What does that knob do?

We were just asking all the questions.

And also, like, you have an image of NASA, don't you?

that you know they're the most technologically advanced company in the world they literally send people to the moon and to space this whole thing was conducted on microsoft teams yeah crazy couldn't have been less lo-fi one of the most infuriating bits of technology i think we have i had to download it i was like what the fuck's this

so yeah we spoke to an astronaut on microsoft

that's so silly

space

in space i mean it almost feels like we've been to space because when you're talking to them and as you say our like you can see it all you are like this is so incredible that you're communicating with the International Space Station.

It was mad.

We saw her little sleeping bag and she sleeps.

It's kind of attached to the wall.

She sleeps sort of

stood up almost.

Your legs can, if you want, they can just sort of waft.

Yeah.

I mean there is a current that runs through the ship.

She told us initially when you get on board you tend to like put a tool down forgetting about the zero gravity and then because there is this current it's just gone and like days later she'd float through the ship and in the middle of the cabin, if you like, would just be like the spanner or the pen just floating in mid-air.

It's like mad.

I just, I actually just can't get my head around it.

I still can't really go over the fact that she could have talked to anybody on the planet and she chose us three.

I mean, two calls.

Who would yours be?

Oh, good question.

Um,

Mike Nichols.

He's dead, unfortunately.

It would be Mike Nichols, but he isn't with us.

Dame, would he talk to?

I don't know, maybe like Bob Dylan or someone like that.

Although, would he be good chat?

I don't know.

It's a hard one.

That's the thing.

You want someone you can actually talk to.

Yeah, so you'd like Biggins.

Biggins.

The flip side of it as well is, you know, when you have to schedule a phone call, like, you know, if somebody's on a different time zone or like, you know, people got busy lives, you're like, oh, talk Thursday evening.

You have to really be in the mood, don't you?

So what have you planned to do your big conference call?

Then you're like, I'm just not good.

I can't be asked.

I just want to watch TV.

Well, her other one was Brene Brown, I think.

So like, that's way more prestigious than

us.

Yeah.

So I think it's fair to say she's the best guest we nearly got.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Would have made a great episode, but say Levy.

It's just so cool.

Anyway, thank you so much for listening.

And do come back next month because we're doing a special best bits of Christmas.

Oh,

that's going to be juicy.

And some unheard stuff as well about presents.

Just a good bit of a spoiler there.

So yeah, see you next time.

We get it.

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Terms apply.

Coach, the energy out there felt different.

What changed for the team today?

It was the new game day scratchers from the California lottery.

Play is everything.

Those games sent the team's energy through the roof.

Are you saying it was the off-field play that made the difference on the field?

Hey, a little play makes your day, and today it made the game.

That's all for now.

Coach, one more question.

Play the new Los Angeles Chargers, San Francisco 49ers, and Los Angeles Rams Scratchers from the California Lottery.

A little play can make your day.

Please play responsibly.

Must be 18 years or older to purchase, play, or claim.