The Best Of (And Unheard Bits) - Part Four

Coach, the energy out there felt different.

What changed for the team today?

It was the new game day scratchers from the California Lottery.

Play is everything.

Those games sent the team's energy through the roof.

Are you saying it was the off-field play that made the difference on the field?

Hey, a little play makes your day, and today it made the game.

That's all for now.

Coach, one more question.

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Hello, hello, hello, and welcome to the best of my dad road a porno.

We're on our fourth installment, guys.

Um, whizzing through at a really slow pace, once a month isn't the quickest.

I've brought something with me.

Oh, did we arrange to do that?

It's in my bag.

hang on

now since we last recorded we have been

inducted thank you i was gonna say induced

into the british podcast awards hall of fame there you go there's the award that is a quality bit of accolade right there yeah we are the only people in the hall of fame so it's just us kind of wandering around aimlessly in a large room, I think.

Well, large hall.

Hall, yeah, exactly.

We are the inaugural entry, are we?

Yeah, and I also, what it felt like, because I was the only one who could go, you know, like you get that clock when you retire.

Yes, a carriage clock.

Yeah,

this feels like our carriage clock.

This very much feels like.

It's actually in the shape of a carriage clock.

It's almost like the British podcast's equivalent of Immemorium.

Like, podcast we've lost this year.

My dad read a porno, and it's like, just take this and live in your merry wife.

It's also very the Oscars music, like,

it's like kind of like, and move it along, move it along, people.

This is then playing us off the scene of podcasting for a moment.

But yeah, what an honor.

Very, very nice to be recognised.

Thank you.

I actually love that and would love to display it, but sadly, I know they all default to Jamie Morton's house, so I'll never.

Speaking of like eyeing it up, it's called my dad rotaporner.

Oh, you can have this one.

It's called your dad rotor porno.

Sorry, whose phone was that?

Oh, if I did that, he'd be like, why are you not on flight mode?

Jamie, is that your phone?

Yeah, sorry, that will never happen again.

Oh, my God.

Absolutely outrageous.

Do we even need him on the show?

Yeah,

there's a way to remove him from it somehow.

My friend's dad wrote a porno.

My colleague's dad wrote a forno.

Someone I know whose dad wrote the porno.

A guy I went to uni's with dad sweet.

Oh, God.

A friend of my friend James's dad wrote a porno.

Well actually that's quite fitting the alice because we're doing an episode full of the moments in the podcast that we basically lost our shit.

We laughed so much that we couldn't breathe.

This is going to be an annoying episode.

It's going to be full of squawking.

Yeah, I've tried to kind of pepper through some light-hearted, funny bits without it just being constant wheezing and your bird laugh, James, which is popular, but fuck me, very, very screechy.

In your defense, none of us have a Hollywood laugh.

Like we've all got quite grating laughs yeah i've learned as well to like throw my head back from the um because if i if i laugh directly into the mic it's going to distort it it's going to go so i don't know if you notice but i have started to uh throw my head back when i start to laugh because i'm a professional and that's why we won an award he's obsessed with that award it's always the weirdest things that make us like crease as well, isn't it?

It's so often like names.

Yes.

So rarely watch Rocky and 10.

The number of names we've laughed at in this book is too many to count.

Yeah, I think I'm probably thinking of the one that you're thinking of.

You're thinking of what I'm thinking.

On the count of three.

One, two, three.

Three, easy.

Norman Tuggley.

Oh, that's so.

There's so many characters it could be.

Okay, Georgie Porgy, we're gonna go into it now.

Telly was a favourite pastime of Bella's.

Telly?

Oh, Bella, what you like doing?

Telly.

Oh, okay.

That's it.

Any hobbies?

Telly.

Anything in particular?

Just telly.

Well, Amazon.

Telly was a favourite pastime of Bella's.

Everybody says Telly.

But Belinda was unfamiliar with its treasures.

She's unfamiliar with Telly.

Are you serious?

She doesn't know what Telly is.

She much preferred to practice decoupage decoupage in her downtime.

Oh, so, wait, we thought we were maybe in the 80s, but we're in this, I don't know, 1800s.

What's decoupage?

Cutting out things from magazines and sticking them to bits of furniture.

Bella.

No, that's Belinda's last time.

Making like scrapbook spaces.

No, unlike tables and chairs.

Decorating surfaces of furniture with cut-out pictures, generally of flowers, and then putting paper paste over over the top and varnishing it.

So honestly.

This is not true.

We've never known her to do that.

They're the best two women I've ever met.

That's so wonderful.

They're shitty little lives.

I'm so glad she didn't die.

A simple lunch of distressed lettuce leaves.

Oh, I can.

Oh, God.

Oh, no, don't make.

Don't put me with the cars, please.

So, a simple lunch.

Very simple.

A simple lunch of distressed lettuce leaves and blue cheese fish mousse.

Oh, God.

That's disgusting.

Has your dad ever eaten food?

Why does he always choose the rankest stuff we've ever heard of?

That's repulsive.

Oh god.

Blue cheese fish.

Do you think he's just put posh words together?

Blue cheese fish.

On a bed of distressed lettuce lies a blue cheese fish mousse.

Oh god.

I was just sick all over the desk.

And it looked more appetizing than the blue cheese fish mousse.

Bella, international sales director, she is still an international sales director, wasted no time in jumping onto head of marketing Ian Snail.

Oh my god, the snail mice is a bookman.

Ian Snail leaves the trail.

Shut up.

Shut up.

Shut up.

Sorry, we're just talking about Ian Snail at the end of book six.

How have we never heard about Ian before?

Daniel!

I mean, Mark is an Ian Snail.

Carries his office on his back.

He doesn't need to be that.

So she waits.

Jamie, stop the book there.

Stop the book.

That's enough.

Oh, my God.

It cannot be topped.

It shall be tossed.

Oh, Christ, Ian Snail.

Ian

Snail.

As I live and breathe.

Ian Snail.

Sorry.

We have to put a warning on this.

This is just saying.

Ian Snail is allergic to salt.

He's not slug.

I'm never saying.

They are, they're slugs with houses.

Just spat my champagne all over my face.

I would ask why we've never heard about him before.

Because this is the first turn I love.

It takes him so long to get salt.

Oh, Ian Snail's late again.

Oh,

stupid little Ian Snail.

So, so,

wait, wait, what's his job?

Head of marketing.

Head of marketing, okay.

So, Bella, International Sales Director,

wasted no time in jumping onto head of marketing, Ian Snail.

Don't need to jump, walk up to him.

Ian Snail.

Don't crunch him.

Ian Snail's lap.

Oh.

She knew he was a prude who looked down on everyone.

Such a weird description.

This is why he's never at the parties.

Sounds like a dickhead.

Ian Snail, what twat.

She knew he was a prude who looked down on everyone and would no doubt lambasta in his slot on tomorrow's Steels radio broadcast.

What on earth?

This is Ian Snail in the morning.

It's been a damp night, so eat still, Gabell.

Giselle literally skipped back to the interrogation room and sang

Okay, Georgie Porgy

to the tune off

Okay, Georgie poor G, we have only 40 minutes to get out of the boat.

What's it to the tune off?

Would you have a better tune that you would give it to?

Have you just decided that

you're straight to Hades?

I can't

bear him doing it again, but he's going to do it again.

Oh my god.

You won't get past 40.

You won't get past it.

I

Okay, so Giselle literally

literally skipped back to the interrogation room.

So you get ease over Georgie Borg.

He's so excited.

And sang.

Okay, Georgie Porgy, we only have 40 minutes to get out or thereabout.

Pack your stuff and slints.

What is that tune?

Pack your stuff and slints.

Pack your stuff and slints.

We are gathered here today to witness the marriage of Tony Sylvester.

Sylvester.

That's his surname.

Sylvester.

That's so weird.

Okay.

Oh, Giselle.

Oh, God, this is going to be an absolute honker, isn't it?

I'm a good thing I can do it.

And Giselle.

Is it just a lot of consonants?

Mars Charlotte weirds.

I dunks.

Let's see.

What did you even say?

That's Mitch Me every letter of the alphabet.

You didn't say anything before De Klots.

And Giselle

Mars Chalkova De Klots.

This is Sylvester, ladies and gentlemen.

Seriously.

And here are the people that we could request if we so desired.

Oh my god, these names are gonna be fucking amazing.

Strap yourself through.

Oh my god.

It's just gonna be fantastic.

James Peterson.

Isn't he an author?

HR department,

International Clothing Australia.

Oh my god.

Norman Chongwi.

Norman what?

Conga!

Congee!

Norman Togwe!

Excuse me!

Do it again!

What's more for the top?

What's wrong with Felix?

Norman Togwe.

I don't know what you're saying.

University of London Business Tools.

Chongwi.

Pass me the CV.

Give me the CV.

Oh my god.

Do I think I'm gonna cry?

Norman Togwee.

So.

Norman.

Norman T-O-G-U-I.

That's not a name.

Oh, my God.

It is the best name I've ever heard.

Why is he called Norman?

Norman Togwe.

Right, I'm going on Facebook.

I'm going to see if there's a Norman Togwe.

Oh, my God.

There's what, a billion people on Facebook?

Yeah.

Not one Norman Togwe.

Why does he just put loads of letters together?

Coach, the energy out there felt different.

What changed for the team today?

It was the new game day scratchers from the California Lottery.

Play is everything.

Those games sent the team's energy through the roof.

Are you saying it was the off-field play that made the difference on the field?

Hey, a little play makes your day, and today it made the game.

That's all for now.

Coach, one more question.

Play the new Los Angeles Chargers, San Francisco 49ers, and Los Angeles Rams Scratchers from the California Lottery.

A little play can make your day.

Please play responsibly, must be 18 years or older to purchase, play, or claim.

Her nipples hardened with her feeling of freedom, and they were now as large as the three-inch rivets which had held the whole of the fateful Titanic together.

Yay!

The Duchess has got nipples from the Titanic.

Now, Titanic's my favourite film, so I know exactly what he's talking about here.

Iceberg, Iceberg.

So specific.

Here's a reference I can get on board with.

So unsexy, so many people died.

Like, why are you using the Titanic?

Please read that again.

That is amazing.

Her nipples hardened with the feeling of freedom.

And they were now as large as the three-inch rivets which had held the hull of the fateful Titanic together.

The fateful Titanic.

How big are her nipples?

Apart from anything else.

It was the ship of dreams, for fuck's sake.

It was massive.

It really was.

Three inches.

It is factually correct.

This will be good.

Loyal box of detail.

Oh, God, what is this going to be?

I already hard disagree.

It is factually correct

to

say that lust is as powerful a drug as heroin.

And Belinda was an addict scoring on the badass streets of desire.

And the Duchess mounted her beautiful horse, Toffee Apple Chew.

Why are we only into serving about Toffee Apple Chew?

I could do with a Toffee Apple Chew right about now.

She rode a horse.

A stallion.

Well, she brings that to the office every time, does she?

And they're a secret order.

And she's brought a horse to the office.

Hey, Toffee Apple Chew is very, very inconspicuous, Alex.

Let's not draw attention to ourselves.

And then a convoy of every kind of car you've ever seen.

The butler shouted, Avanca!

Again!

Once more!

And red-suited valets appeared in unison and cleared the floor of all the discarded garments.

That was going to ruin it for me.

Unbeknownst to the contestants, the club would immediately send them all to a charity organisation for distribution to its shops throughout Belgium.

What?

Their clothes!

Oh god!

They're not seeing them again.

That's it.

That was a lovely dress.

That's not what they've agreed to.

You're out at the end of the night.

I'm sorry, you've done what?

I'm here to collect their clothes.

Oh, that's in an ox clam in Bruges.

I don't know what they would do.

What are they going to wear at the end of the night?

Also, their dignity, James.

They're all in all their pockets.

They're like their wallets and their blanks.

They're all business people.

They're dirty pants and socks.

Levine's crying.

Unbeknownst to the contestants, the club would immediately send them to a charity organisation for distribution to its shops throughout Belgium.

Immediately as well, that night.

Get them in the van.

Quick.

Seconds later, the butler shouted, Des Sande.

Oh, God.

So what?

Get down.

One.

Get down, one.

Get down.

One.

What does

why?

At that command, all the ladies stepped down from their chairs.

They literally got down, yeah.

They literally got down.

They started boogieing.

What is the game?

Like, why are we on the chair?

What is the game?

It's a song we sing.

What is the game?

No one knows the game.

What is the game?

Where my clothes go?

What is the game?

Where my skirt at?

What is the game?

My keys were in there.

What is the game?

That was my grandma's.

What is the game?

Belinda began to prepare her tools to perform a citizen's arrest.

That took my breath away.

What tools?

Can you hammer out?

Wait, are you going to say she's going to handcuff him?

Because that's not what you do on a citizen's arrest.

She's not going to handcuff him, she's going to fashion handcuffs.

Like a blacksmith.

Puts on a welder's mask.

Great.

I also want to personally thank Sir James Godwin for letting us have this opportunity to raise some much needed money for our local charity, the Asses and Donkeys Trust.

What kind of asses are we talking about here?

I can now die happy.

This is my favourite bit of Belinda Blinks.

I've found my new charity to support, I think.

So, once a year, sorry, let me just get this straight.

Once a year, the pots and pans industry get together for a charity event, a charity tombola, hosted by Sir James.

Sir James Godwin, of course.

Sorry.

Knight of the Realm.

For the Asses and Donkey Watt Association.

No Trust.

The Trust.

Oh.

Also, are they?

I don't know if you can ask Rocky this, are they looking for an ambassador?

Because I am willing to take on that role.

You couldn't write it, but apparently you did.

You shouldn't write it.

I think that's what you meant.

George U Azole.

Vomit Chandabar.

You vomit Chanda.

Vomit Chunderbath.

Vomit Chunderbath.

Assen, Vomit Chunderbath.

Vomit Chunderbath.

I thought that was like a German column.

Vomit Chundaba.

Herr Vomit Chunderbath.

Hello, I'm James Vomit Chunderbar.

Oh,

you remember Mrs.

Marshall Cazonsta Claude?

I'm Herr Vomit Underbath.

So it he goes, George, you asshole vomitch underbath, you have spew sick wretch.

So he's like, George,

you

God.

She took him completely into her mouth, tasting the flesh of mankind.

The flesh of mankind.

This is not biblical.

Peter's cock represents the whole of mankind.

How big is it?

Oh my god.

That is such a good phrase.

So his cock

is the creme de la creme of cock.

Don't call it the creme de la creme.

I think that's about to come the creme.

de la creme.

The cume de la cume.

She took him completely into her mouth, tasting the flesh of mankind.

I love that.

That is so stupid.

Oh my god, James is putting that on his fucking grinder profile as we speak.

I am none the wiser.

Fancy tasting the flesh of mankind.

Swag.

Come de la cum.

We have just launched our wonderful new range, the Oxy Brillo range, and it's a very fine range indeed.

Perfect for all your cooking needs.

In fact, everyone here today will go home with a non-stick tin walk.

Did Oprah Wimprey ever wear that outfit?

Is she entirely emulating Oprah?

Oh my god, and also what a disappointing thing to win.

What, a non-stick tin walk?

Is that what she said?

What's non-stick tin?

Yeah, it says, in fact, everyone here today will go home with a non-stick tin wok.

Look under your seats.

How did they hide a non-stick tin wok under everyone's seat without them noticing?

Sorry, Millennium Dome Building.

Oh my god, this is the best night of my life.

You're not going to believe it.

Oh, no what.

20,000 lessons.

Shut up shut up he's researched the capacity

and it's full full full to the brim it's full oh come on

we want to change the pots and pans you use on your show to the oxy brillo range from steels pots and pans seal me ladies Cosmo said as he started fucking each vag at a time.

They're very good,

screamed Belinda mid-bonk.

They're huff-puff, non-stick, huff-puff, environmentally nice, huff-puff, light to the touch,

and only

45 AUD dollars wholesale.

Huff puff, huff puff,

huff-puff.

I have puff.

Do it again.

Do it again.

Interesting.

This is how Belinda sells the octobilla range.

My favourite is environmentally nice.

Her tits hung freely.

Oh, God.

Like pomegranates.

Here we go.

Which famously don't hang

to hang like pomegranates.

They hung like pomegranates.

You know what Rocky thought there?

He was like, not going for melons.

Too obvious.

Way too obvious.

I'm going to have to Google what a pomegranate looks like.

Well, one end is quite spiky.

Her tits hung freely like pomegranates.

Genuinely, my favorite quote.

Coach, the energy out there felt different.

What changed for the team today?

It was the new game day scratchers from the California Lottery.

Play is everything.

Those games sent the team's energy through the roof.

Are you saying it was the off-field play that made the difference on the field?

Hey, a little play makes your day, and today it made the game.

That's all for now.

Coach, one more question.

Play the new Los Angeles Chargers, San Francisco 49ers, and Los Angeles Rams Scratchers from the California Lottery.

A little play can make your day.

Please play responsibly.

Must be 18 years or older to purchase play or claim.

The duo walked through the doors of a German fast food establishment called It Curry Beverst.

It's not even a good play on words.

It curry bevers.

It curry bevers.

It curry

Actually, it starts to really work as you let it seep in, does it?

It's like Curry Beverse, which is obviously a play on it couldn't be worse,

which is not the sort of thing you'd want.

That's really because it couldn't be worse.

I figured that if things aren't mentioned, you can plausibly say that they.

Don't look at me like that.

I can't defend you if you're going to be silly.

But if dad definitively says they aren't somewhere, then we know they aren't.

But if he just doesn't mention that they are or not, they could have been there.

So, is that now a rule for everything?

Mickey Mouse is there.

We've never mentioned him, but he's been following Belinda this whole time.

What are you on about?

Bella's covered in

shit.

We've never mentioned it, but it's fair.

I haven't said she isn't.

I didn't say Belinda wasn't a dolphin.

The Duchess has 27 lip piercings.

Okay, point taking.

Fine.

Steel Spots and Pans is on the moon.

You should have asked.

What did I never say?

Oh good, it just slipped my mind while it was there all along.

He thought himself a bit of a dandy when it came to women.

A dandy?

Why is a dandy?

A very, very flamboyant man from the 1800s.

And quite camped.

It wasn't Byron and Oscar Wilde, aren't they?

Dandies.

Sure.

He doesn't sound like what I imagine a dandy to be.

Big fat, red.

Beer belly.

Don't they wear like flouncy blouses and things?

But luckily, he's got very well-trimmed fingernails, so he's all good.

That's textbook dandy, actually.

Andy started to concentrate big time on her tits, sucking them, rolling his fingers up and down her extending nipples, pulling them and eating them as best he could.

He was like a horny pig in muck.

He sounds like he looks like a pig.

A pig with a huge hat with a feather in it.

Such a dandy.

Pig with a mustache.

pig with a cigarillo

pig wearing a winkle finger

pig penning poetry on the moors

oh my god a pig in a hat with a feather in it

they all shrieked formed a little circle and sang g for gin

T for tonic our six titties are supersonic

God.

We don't mind men.

We don't like fuss.

We're the glee team.

Come and get us.

Oh, my God.

Okay, right.

Send that to all of our phones so that we can see the light.

Wow, wow.

We don't mind men.

We don't like fuss.

That's a very important distinction, huh?

I feel like it's going to be the anthem of a generation.

Mr.

Hushman, the background goon, had felt the shift in weight from the tail being removed from his costume.

The blueprint!

The blueprints are in the tail!

Why?

Why?

Why?

Oh, well, I'll just put this in my tail for the sex party.

What the fuck?

If these blueprints are on normal paper, I'm gonna freak out.

They're not still intact.

They've been all over the fucking shop.

He squealed

as his eyes rolled from the back of his head to rejoin the scene.

Oh, so stupid.

How does the secret woman with a smelly pussy or whatever she's called me?

How does she know that they're in a smelly pussy?

Oh my god.

Was it tasty, tasty crotch?

Was it?

It was tasty, not smelly.

Scented or whatever.

It was exactly as she had always imagined it to be like.

Why?

What?

She's in heaven.

She's in heaven.

Biggish, goldish gates.

Oh, fuck off.

If she gets dragged from the gates of heaven back to earth, I'm going to freak.

She's not in heaven.

She's not in heaven.

Biggish, goldish gates.

Biggish, goldish.

Harps and harmonicas.

She didn't imagine harmonicas.

Just because Rocky plays the harmonica.

Shut up.

She's at a Flintstone Christmas party.

She is.

And they were all there.

Who?

Everyone who ever was.

Oh,

I cannot wait for the roll call of names.

I cannot wait for who he thinks we care about her having seen.

She could see her grade three bassoon teacher.

Shut up.

She could see.

Grade three?

Oh, no.

She could see.

Not just bassoon teacher, because she had a different one for her.

How many bassoon teachers were there in her town?

Oh no, sorry, you're on grade four now, my darling.

You'll have to call Derek.

Onwards and upwards.

I'll miss you.

Oh my god.

She could see her grade three bassoon teacher, Mrs.

Huddlesbird, knocking...

Huddlesbird.

Huddlesbird.

She could see her grade three bassoon teacher, Mrs.

Huddlesbird, knocking back shots with Nelson Mandela.

Rocky, behave yourself.

Behave yourself.

Oh my god.

Huddlebird and Mandela together at last.

A duo we never knew we wanted.

Oh my god, does that mean in heaven Mandela's playing bassoon?

What an image.

Maybe she's teaching him green three.

Well it would have to be she can't teach anything else.

Mandela!

Mandela!

Vodkar Tiquiva!

I hope they're not involved in the bums, boobs and thighs or whatever it was.

Yeah.

So Mrs.

Huddlesbird was knocking back shots with Nelson Mandela.

Freddie Mercury was teaching Anne Boleyn the Charleston shuffleback.

Come on.

And Dick Van Dyke was humming alone by the lose.

Oh, Dick Van Dyke's dead.

Dick Van Dyke's alive.

He's alive.

No, he's not.

It's sent him to an early grave.

To be fair, he is nearly dead.

Is he honestly not dead?

He's so making films.

He's just Mary Bobbins.

And he's Mary Robbins.

Oh my god.

In dad's world, he's gone.

And he's alone.

Is he dead?

He's just not with anyone.

He's just in the corner.

Surely in heaven you're always with people.

Yeah, your loved ones

drinking with some random bassoon teacher.

Oh my gosh.

Not with Winnie.

I really hope that's not a premonition about Dick Van Dyke.

Oh my god, that actually was quite...

The serotonin really hits you when you listen to it all back.

Listening to us laugh makes me laugh.

What it does to other people, I'm not sure.

Is it a very specific experience listening to you and your friends laugh?

I mean, apparently not, because people say that, colleagues, thank you, that James's laugh is infectious.

Yeah, there is actually a cream for my laugh available.

Have you been affected by James's laugh?

Visit my dadraporno.com for help and advice.

And it's funny, actually, talking about corpsing and reliving all these corpsing moments because it does happen quite often with us.

Even today, actually, we sat down to a,

I'm even looking at it now, and Alice has had a beautiful haircut to her.

Shut up,

and I referenced it.

I think you just sat down, James.

He doesn't want anything to do with it.

I'm keeping quiet.

And this happened.

It will look better once I've styled it myself.

You think that, do you?

Oh,

what's that?

What's going on?

I was like,

she said um

oh um

I think it'll look better when I'm when I've styled it and I was like do you and she the look she gave my I mean

really little nest

I'd stay quiet if I were you

I haven't scrunched it out yet

No how scrunchie can say that my love

What a little beast, what a witch.

Okay, yeah, okay, it's not looking its best either.

I will give you you that.

It's the way he says it under his breath.

Anything else?

Yeah, yeah, I know.

No, I said you were like, oh no, it will definitely look better when I've styled it.

And I know what I said.

And I know what you said.

And the reaction remains.

So there you have it.

Shall we wrap things up?

We have fun, don't we?

I think it looks lovely, Alice.

Thank you, James.

Such a suck-up.

Unbelievable.

Maybe he means it.

I'll just be nice to anyone who's made me a cup of tea.

Oh, sorry, maybe he doesn't mean it.

Okay.

Okay, well, that was really fun.

I really enjoyed this one.

And yeah, come back next month for some more best of moments.

See ya.

Coach, the energy out there felt different.

What changed for the team today?

It was the new game, Day Scratchers from the California Lottery.

Play is everything.

Those games sent the team's energy through the roof.

Are you saying it was the off-field play that made the difference on the field?

Hey, a little play makes your day, and today it made the game.

That's all for now.

Coach, one more question: play the new Los Angeles Chargers, San Francisco 49ers, and Los Angeles Rams Scratchers from the California Lottery.

A little play can make your day.

Please play responsibly, must be 18 years or older to purchase play or claim.