The Best Of (And Unheard Bits) - Part Three

It's that time of year again, back to school season.

And Instacart knows that the only thing harder than getting back into the swing of things is getting all the back-to-school supplies, snacks, and essentials you need.

So here's your reminder to make your life a little easier this season.

Shop favorites from Staples, Best Buy, and Costco all delivered through Instacart so that you can get some time back and do whatever it is that you need to get your life back on track.

Instacart, we're here.

Coach, the energy out there felt different.

What changed for the team today?

It was the new game day scratchers from the California Lottery.

Play is everything.

Those games sent the team's energy through the roof.

Are you saying it was the off-field play that made the difference on the field?

Hey, a little play makes your day, and today it made the game.

That's all for now.

Coach, one more question.

Play the new Los Angeles Chargers, San Francisco 49ers, and Los Angeles Rams Scratchers from the California Lottery.

A little play can make your day.

Please play responsibly, must be 18 years or older to purchase play or claim.

Thumbtack presents.

Uncertainty strikes.

I was surrounded.

The aisle and the options were closing in.

There were paint rollers, satin and matte finish, angle brushes, and natural bristles.

There were too many choices.

What if I never got my living room painted?

What if I couldn't figure out what type of paint to use?

What if

I just used Thumbtack?

I can hire a top-rated pro in the Bay Area that knows everything about interior paint, easily compare prices, and read reviews.

Thumbtack knows homes.

Download the app today.

Hello and welcome to the best of my dad wrote a porno.

Alice, James, how are we both?

Jamie, it never fails to shock me that we are able to call these episodes that.

I'm not sure what the feedback's been.

James, how are they going down?

Are people listening to them?

Are they enjoying them?

Oh, yeah, and we're getting a lot of people asking for particular themes.

Oh, that's good.

So stay tuned because, believe it or not, there'll be more.

So we might use some of those themes in episodes to come.

That's really outsourcing our job, isn't it?

It's like, what should we theme them on?

If you remember the clips, could you send us the time codes?

Thanks.

No, honestly, that'd be really handy if you could because it saved me a lot of time.

I feel bad for you having to go through all the old timelines and find yourself.

Having to listen to you two squawking on for what, eight years of content?

Not my favourite thing.

I re-listened to the first series to see if there are any gems in there.

Where were we recording and what on?

That's too close.

That's sound quality.

I know.

Well, the very first episode we recorded on like a

dictaphone.

Yeah.

Well, like, we weren't supposed to release it.

Do you remember?

Because here's an interesting thing about Mad Verdaporno.

This wasn't the original format, if you recall, guys.

What do you mean?

Well, I don't want to point fingers, James, but you were not originally going to be in it.

Do you remember?

I was never supposed to be on it.

It was just going to be you two wang.

I was going gonna produce it and you two were just gonna wang on it.

You realised, sorry, Jane, you just put it in, but you realised how amusing I was and thought, we can't afford to lose that voice from the pot.

Quite literally, because our initial thought was like getting guests on each week.

Do you remember to read it?

Oh my god, can you imagine this without James?

Yes, actually.

Shut up.

Wow.

Shut up.

Who'd upload it?

To be fair, who'd hold him to account?

I'm not doing it on my own.

Don't point at me, little red.

Also, it would be slightly weird if it was you you reading your daz porn just to answer no it wasn't just to announce we were gonna have a guest on each week like who like a notable person it was never gonna work oh give me a name episode one series one

who are you gonna get for that

one of jamie's pals yeah one of the many zedlisses in my phone probably it would be somebody from the theatre wouldn't it someone from like loose women wouldn't it what the fuck um no and then i remember because we were gonna

so that was our loose plan even though it wouldn't have worked because we were reading a story and each guest would have been like, What happened last episode?

And it wouldn't have really worked.

But we thought, well, let's just see if it will work as a even in terms of the content.

So we got James to record it with us.

And I remember editing it, guys, and thinking, do you know what?

It pains me to say it, but Cooper's got to stay.

I mean, I was involved from the beginning.

It was just

letting me in.

I think I was sat in the room helping record, and then I just piped in.

No, you were definitely there as a stand-in guest.

How amazing and how, you know, it's interesting that it really kind of revealed itself to be the format that we needed to go down.

The format that nobody knew we wanted, James, I think is what we're talking about.

I wonder if there's any offshoots from that first episode that we, like some terrible gags while we were finding our feet.

Yeah, maybe.

If there's any like gold in that, anyway, so that's a bit of backstory.

But yeah, this month we're doing the best of, and bear with us because these definitions are getting really, really quite woolly.

Oh, Lucifer by the day.

Yeah, the best of what did you just say, Al?

Coming of age.

Coming of age.

That's it.

Kind of stories of our

maturation.

Yeah.

It's like from like teenage to uni.

Kind of from when we met, really.

So from university, and then as we were finding our feet in London and all the stories that we have when we were in our 20s, I guess.

Ah, when we met.

I met Alice on a bus, met Jamie at a Halloween party.

Yeah, yeah.

We have gone through this on the podcast, so don't worry.

That won't be included in this festival.

But there'll be other things.

Not one bit sentimental.

Obviously, he's rushing through this one, anyway.

Come on on and chat today.

Okay, you're right.

How are you, both?

Keep in mind that you could go at any moment because you didn't sign a stand in, okay?

I've always felt my position's precarious.

Rubbish.

No, how are you?

I mean, James, there is a...

I love when we want to dwell on something, he always just goes back to how are you?

Well, I'm just kind of opening the floor to you guys, but I mean, there is an elephant in the room, and it's James's foot.

My big elephant foot.

Yeah, I stubbed my toe last night, and it's definitely broken.

It's very swollen.

Alice has kindly provided me with two ice packs, which my toe is...

I've got a little toe sandwich going on down here right now.

I am getting worried about James Alice because he is now prone to a fall.

He's decrepit.

He's had like three falls in the last three months.

Well, this wasn't a fall, but yeah, I've had two falls this year.

And like falls, like when you're young, you fall over.

When you're old, you have a fall.

So I'm in the have a fall category now.

But also, I don't want to panic you, but I stub my toe all the time and it doesn't just snap.

Why are your bones so crucky?

Because he's at that age, it's osteoporosis.

Oh, God.

So, in the summer, I was crossing a road quite quickly and I tripped on the curb and went to stop myself with my hands and broke my left wrist.

And then it had just healed, and I was at a wedding on the way to the wedding, and I slipped on my new slippy shoes and I fell on the same wrist and sprained it.

Alice, have you heard who nursed him back to health at this wedding?

Who?

Caroline Quentin.

What?

Who is, is for international listeners a national treasure, sort of thing?

Jonathan Creek.

Kiss me Kate.

Kiss me Kate.

Behaving Badly.

Probably don't have that.

Very, very 90s references.

I'm sure she's done a lot of work since then.

Cornwall with Caroline Quentin, if you're a fan of that.

Oh, there you go.

You clearly are.

So wait, do you have her on speed, dial?

No, she was a guest at the wedding.

And yeah, she kind of heard that I'd hurt my hand and she came to me.

She heard, well, it's a large wedding.

The rumours were just circling.

250 guests, Jamie.

It was a big one.

Well, clearly, if you made the cut and Caroline Caroline Quentin, a broad wedding, or everyone took away the broken body,

right?

Oh, an abroad wedding.

Um, yeah, and she came in, like, nursed, she was so nice.

She like nursed me back to health, she sorted me right out, she got me a bandage.

So, thank you, Caroline.

I'm sure she's not listening.

No, does she have first aid training, or did she just

the go-to?

Just because she's fabulous, she must have played a nurse at some point.

Was she a nurse in men behaving badly?

Was she?

Oh, yes, I think she was.

Yeah, she was a therapist in Kiss Me Case.

You know, this.

Did she give you any good advice?

Um, no, I didn't get any therapy, but clearly, uh, that training still works.

Yeah, although you're not really moving two of your fingers, so no, no, it's fine.

Okay, oh, look at him, so dexterous.

Um, yeah, so you kind of you were going from when we were all young and meeting to you being old and decrepit, really.

I'm not old and decrepit.

Well, you're not different.

No, to be fair to you, James, you're a different generation to James.

I'm not a different generation.

I think you are.

No,

because we're millennials and you're.

I'm a boomer.

I'm a millennial.

Wow.

Okay.

Right, that's

ruined the vibe, hasn't it?

Should we go back to the original idea and just cut him out?

Do millennials shout, I am a millennial?

I don't feel like they did.

They just screamed, I am a millennial in your house.

Yes?

Millennials are born from 1980 onwards.

Is this such a boomer?

I was born in 1984.

So I'm a millennial, thank you.

Hit a nerve, haven't we?

I think so.

Also, you're like an old woman.

Look, this isn't about me.

My bones are intact.

James, we just want to make sure that you are fit and healthy for your 40th birthday, which is incoming.

Next year, thank you.

Can I just check something?

I'm not sat on a cushion.

I don't think you are, Jamie.

Are you sat on a cushion, James?

Okay, that's it.

I rest my case.

Are you really?

Oh, yeah, only because it was on the chair.

Yeah.

Can I talk about the chairs in Alice's house?

You can't sit on any of them.

Listen to this one.

James, don't, that's precarious.

That's Alice's bones.

You don't have to have sex in it, just sit still in it.

Why are you moving your bottom?

What's wrong with you?

It is actually funny to think of a time when we didn't know each other.

I think we've known each other half our lives now.

Oh my god.

Pretty much.

Wow.

I don't know how to feel about that.

Because I introduced you to, yes.

I'm the glue.

And you didn't want me on the podcast.

No, it wasn't that we didn't want you on the podcast.

It was just that, like, we didn't, we were trying to work out what we wanted to do with the show.

Yeah, that's, yeah.

I think we, you know, through the audition process, we really found somebody who fits.

And like, I now find it hard to think of you as a sort of second

choice you know like not impossible just hard I really think of you as being almost integral to it now almost yeah as stand-ins go you're really captured yeah because sometimes you know when people fill in on TV shows or radio shows and you kind of feel like oh wow like that's so at home there and I really feel like that with you

biggest fucking hags in the world

James I just want to say for the record on mic I'm really glad that you decided to be on be a part sorry that we decided to be on the bottom.

Yes, that we decided that you were allowed to be.

We're really thrilled about it.

So, thanks.

You too.

How do you upload an episode of this podcast?

What do you mean?

How does this get on the podcast feed?

Oh, the internet.

Yeah.

Isn't it going there now?

No, it's not a live show.

I've said that before.

It's not a live radio show, despite what some people think.

I'm joking.

You take this audio in your pocket

and you put it on the RSS

feed.

How?

How?

That's what I mean.

Yeah.

She would be useless.

If we both died, there'd be no best ofs, which maybe someone would say a good thing.

You don't know.

Yeah.

Very quiet about how, though, isn't he?

Yeah, exactly.

Well, you go to Acast.com.

Dot com and you log in.

And there are two logins for Podcaster and

somebody else, isn't it?

I don't know what you're talking about.

I love that he's like, you go to ACAST.

He meant literally, you go to their offices and you go, I don't don't know what to do.

James is...

Hello, can I speak to the head of ACAS, please?

No, look.

Interrupts a board meeting.

Hello, sorry, you don't know me.

Listen,

everyone is integral to the show.

I knew the minute I started editing it that you had to be part of the show because you've made it what it is.

It's fantastic.

I'm saddened that all you could think of to justify your position here is knowing how to upload the episode.

Which also is nothing to do with him being on the show and really a producer's job, which is what you always were.

So I think it's high time we go into the archives and listen to some best of content.

God, the way you treat the elderly is disgracing, quite frankly.

If we'd just listened to you, heard your stories, we could have learned so much.

I once lived with eight people in one flat and it was hell.

I was by the front door and they'd come in.

Hanging out of it most nights.

Quick escape.

They'd come come in at like five in the morning, bang the front door and start playing techno music.

But the straw that broke the camel's back.

Techno music.

You went to the University of Frankfurt.

Heavy vibe music.

Sorry.

The straw that broke the camel's back was one day I came down to the fridge to get my cheese, to make a cheese sandwich.

Oh, God, I know where this is going.

Yeah.

And took my cheese out, and there was a massive bite mark out of my cheese.

So I was marching around the house going, who bit my cheese?

Who bit

my cheese?

Turns out it was this girl.

But I was so mad because

it just felt so disrespectful.

Yeah, you don't just bite someone's cheese.

You do not bite someone's cheese and not expect consequences.

I mean, I feel like you bite someone's cheese, but you take them out for dinner first, you know?

We all lived with kind of horrors when we were at university.

On a varying sliding scale.

What did you have to deal with?

My parents...

gave us a fridge freezer because there were six of us in the flat.

It's a very generous gift.

Yeah, isn't it?

To use for like drinks and a chest freezer or just a regular swing door?

Regular swing door.

One of each.

One for the freezer, one for the free.

And I went down to London to visit some friends one weekend, and when I came back, this girl that I lived with, they'd put it in a skip.

What?

On a road?

No, she'd enlisted the girl on wheels from down the road.

Not actually on wheels.

We used to just call her that because she was like a German U-boat.

She'd suddenly be by your side at a party.

You're like, how did you get here?

I know just the one you mean.

I'd forgotten about her.

So, wait, as a vendetta against you,

she removed your ability to chill things.

I mean, that's dark.

Honestly, Rocky was furious.

To this day, he hates her.

Was it new, the fridge freezer?

It wasn't new, but it was perfectly

unworkable.

It was a well-used fridge freezer at the time.

But

why did she chuck it away?

Was it like in her way?

No, she just hated me.

Jamie stored it in a bedroom.

But, you know, Studentville.

I lived with nice people.

Oh, I know who you're going to say.

My favourite.

She was crackers.

She was absolutely bonky.

She didn't know that carrot didn't come food didn't she used to call things funny food yeah so a lot of stuff she considered funny food and because obviously i was having sort of like mackerel pate on the daily she thought everything i ate was funny food but um She loved potatoes in every form.

So often on a plate, in her words, she'd have like potato smileys, your potato waffles, you'd have your mash, you'd have your

you know the ones where they like scoop the inside, oh the skins, it's just like potato skins that you can buy and they've like

impregnated them with something.

All in one meal.

Oh, that was just the plate.

It was just totally beige.

And she smoked I would say between 100 and 150,000 cigarettes a day.

Her room, honestly.

Oh my god.

It was like an experiment.

I'm so distracted by the notepad on James's fridge which says, fuck off, you stupid talking cat.

Who's that to?

So when I first moved into this flat, it would get to the kind of the middle of the night and I'd just hear this cat in the garden and I'm not joking.

It went, Hello,

hello,

lies.

I'm not, I'm literally not joking.

It used to come in every night and say hello.

Come in, no, come into the garden, all right, say hello.

And I told someone about it, and they wrote it on my fridge, but I thought you'd written it in protest, hoping that it would see when it came in the night.

I assume that's died now, though, because it stopped doing it.

I haven't heard it for a while.

Did a sadness because you didn't say hello back.

Give them a wave.

Do another one more hello.

Hello.

Did it say it in the head?

Literally pronounced the L's.

Hello.

Hello.

Hello.

Do you really think it was a cat?

No, I saw him.

And then the other thing was like,

how do you know?

I'd lift up the blind to see him say hello and he'd just stop talking.

And I'd be like, you crafty little hassle.

You know I could get a viral clip out of this.

It won't be filmed.

Do you remember that time you slept in a bush, James?

Yes, I do.

Thank you, James.

On a work night.

Yeah, on Park Lane, if I remember.

Yeah, well, James, if you're going to sleep in a bush, sleep in Park Lane.

London's Park Lane.

I mean, it doesn't get better.

It's a five-star bush.

Did you sleep within the bush?

Well, it was an out-of-season hindrange at this.

There wasn't much phonies to be found.

It's beautiful blooms that shed.

One of my favourite days of the year is when it's Alice's birthday and she has her annual sherry.

I get very excited about it.

And the day after when I have my annual hangover.

You are so ratty on that day.

No one sees her the day after.

Do you remember your 21st when you were literally bedridden because you were so drunk?

I think it was only about 10 as well.

Yeah, it was midway through the night, it was really embarrassing.

And there was a fight breaking out at the end of your bed.

There were fisticuffs, wasn't there?

Jamie was at the bedside, if I remember.

I think there's a photograph where my eyes are rolling back in my head, and Jamie's, I think it's maybe a damp flannel on my forehead.

I was being a very good Florence Nightingale that night, I was good.

But Jamie.

And I think that's all the story.

So, shall we get into the chapter?

You

show your drunkness straight away.

Drunk eyes,

drunk eyes, yeah.

Your eyes kind of,

it's hard to explain.

Are they going in different directions?

Different directions, yeah.

But you also fall asleep.

We were in San Francisco.

Oh my god, I'm an arcader.

And we were in this club, and James literally fell asleep while he was dancing on the dance floor.

So, is he still dancing?

He was, it was a sight to see.

He was still dancing, but he was asleep.

And the banana was like, He's got to get out.

And I was like, No, it's fine.

He's just really into the music.

As you pushed him over, flat on his face.

But we were kicked out, James.

So thanks for that.

Does that happen often?

Can you sleep standing up?

I cannot count how many clubs I've fought holded and sleep in it my time.

It's such a happy place.

I find it very therapeutic.

The

obviously just sends me right off.

Did you see the game last night?

Of course you did, because you used Instacart to do your grocery restock.

Plus, you got snacks for the game, all without missing a single play.

And that's on multitasking.

So we're not saying that Instacart is a hack for game day, but it might be the ultimate play this football season.

Enjoy $0 delivery fees on your first three orders.

Service fees apply.

For three orders in 14 days.

Excludes restaurants.

Instacart, we're here.

Thumbtack presents Project Paralysis.

I was cornered.

Sweat gathered above my furrowed brow and my mind was racing.

I wondered who would be left standing when the droplets fell.

Me or the clawed sink.

Drain cleaner and pipe snake clenched in my weary fist.

I stepped toward the sink and then- Wait, why am I stressing?

I have Thumbtack.

I can easily search for a top-rated plumber in the Bay Area, read reviews, and compare prices, all on the app.

Thumbtack knows homes.

Download the app today.

Coach, the energy out there felt different.

What changed for the team today?

It was the new Game Day Scratchers from the California Lottery.

Play is everything.

Those games sent the team's energy through the roof.

Are you saying it was the off-field play that made the difference on the field?

Hey, a little play makes your day, and today, it made the game.

That's all for now.

Coach, one more question.

Played the new Los Angeles Chargers, San Francisco 49ers, and Los Angeles Rams Scratchers from the California Lottery.

A little play can make your day.

Please play responsibly.

Must be 18 years or older to purchase, play, or claim.

It is IT people who always get a bad rep, but there's a floor in my office, which isn't IT, but it's just full of unusual

circus types.

Do you stop them as they get off the list?

What do you mean?

Well, like, I call them the tours because they always get off at floor two.

Are you really going to say what floor they're on?

They've all got, like, one tooth, or they look like they've got their own hair.

What are you talking about?

Where do you work?

This isn't a thing.

All of them on the same floor.

What's on floor two?

They're so unusual.

I don't know.

I actually don't know what they've got going on down there.

Investigate it immediately.

What are they releasing onto floor two that means everyone's teeth fall out?

And the funny thing is, my past doesn't work for floor two, so I can't investigate.

Is that true?

Okay, that's suspicious.

So, wait, what sexy floor are you on?

Seven.

Oh, I've got rooftop views nearly.

Oh.

Nearly.

Nearly.

Rooftop views nearly so.

I don't know.

There's actually another three floors above me.

Okay.

So what have you got?

Just all the gobbins you can see, can't you?

All the pipes and stuff.

I can see the British Museum.

I'm really pinpointing my office here, aren't you?

This is great.

Oh, I cannot wait for you to go to work tomorrow.

Shout out to the tours.

Jamie used to have a coat that we called the brown.

I don't know if it started brown, but it was certainly brown by the end.

It was a brown coat.

It was rags.

It was nice.

It was rags.

It was once nice.

You used to sleep in it like it was a sleeping bag.

Fuck, what is this?

Like, attack Jamie, you once slept in a bush in it, didn't you?

Oh yeah, you slept in that bush in it.

I didn't sleep in a bush with it because I actually lost my shirt on that night.

So I slept in the bush.

Tops.

Don't you hate it when you lose your shirt on a night out?

See, that was one of the worst nights of my life.

Anyway, it was this coat he'd had for a hundred years?

I can't remember.

It's been passed down through the generations.

It was an old coat.

It was an old coat.

There were holes in it.

I was like, get a new coat.

I've got a particularly good picture of you in it because it was, was it, in my mind, it's made up of the pelt of different animals, but was it not?

It's mainly like old horse like an old book.

There's a bit that's otter, though, because there's a bit that's longer haired.

Yeah, a bit of otter, a little bit of bear.

Oh, my.

Okay, fine.

I'm not known for my fashion.

I'll give you that.

If you've ever seen the

BBC Adapt Adapts' Niche, but the BBC adaptation

of Narnia,

it looked like Jamie.

It was a beaver.

Jamie was one of the beavers.

Now,

I'll just show you, James,

because this really will bring it to life for you.

So, this is essentially what it was, wasn't it?

Oh my god, it was!

Didn't have a hood, but like in the body, that's it.

It was ever so warm, guys.

Whatever happened to it?

I binned it because you met you literally gave me so.

I got a real complex about it, actually.

Good.

You made me feel awful, so I did bin it.

Yeah, that's the brown.

I feel a bit sore, actually, because

I went to a dance class last night.

Oh, excuse me, what?

I'll tell you what it's called.

It's called Learn to Twerk.

With the elderly.

Learn to twerk, but you have no ass, famously.

Okay, well, this is my issue.

And she has an ass.

She just, you know.

I have an ass that won't quit.

it's just been made redundant.

You went to a learn to twerk.

I didn't know that's what it was called.

My friend just said, Do you want to go to a dance class?

So I'm going to go to the next step.

Now that's false advertising.

Well, amen.

I arrived, and everybody's wearing great outfits, but pretty skimpy.

I'm dressed like I'm in Bendit Like Beckham.

I had some football shorts on and a baggy t-shirt, basically peak it.

The first alarm bell that rang was that the lady said, All right, everyone, you're sexy bitches.

God.

I mean, that really got my heart going.

I was like, oh, no.

Then they create a circle, the circle of trust.

No.

I'm afraid so.

And in the circle of trust, you have to freestyle.

The first thing.

Yes.

Yes.

The first thing.

What did you do?

The robot?

Big fish, little fish.

I essentially did the Charleston and other people are putting their hands on the floor and like throwing their ass in the air.

Oh, my God.

Oh, my God.

I wish I'd.

Can we go with you next time?

Okay, wait.

It gets worse.

So then we do the warm-up.

Great.

Got it covered.

I didn't know it was the warm-up.

And then she's like, right now we'll learn the routine.

Jeez.

So I'm like, okay, that's fine.

Like, I like to dance just in the comfort of my own home.

So I was like, I'll just shuffle to the back.

I'll watch.

Is that a dance move?

Shuffle to the back.

Shuffle to the back.

It's work to the back.

I got myself to the back and I was like, it's fine because this way I can watch what everybody else does and I don't need to remember it.

So I got to the back and then she was like, okay, so the first move, it's a turn.

So basically the back was the front.

Awful.

So now I'm in front of the mirror.

So then you can see everyone behind you.

Everything and they can all see me.

And then she said, I want you to feel your ass cheek and then feel underneath it.

And she's like, excuse me.

That's what's got a shake.

I cannot tell you how much of me shook everything but my ass shook because you know there's nothing to move.

Like what's going to shake?

There's nothing underneath it because there's nothing on top.

It's concave.

that's amazing i wish i'd been there can you i mean i know it's audio but could you maybe give us a little uh okay give us a move i can but i'd like you to imagine what the song is that i'm doing it to as i do it what is the song my neck my back

my pussy and also my crack that's so balinder of you she said she was like guys it's a long count enjoy the pussy bit

Every time we record at my flight, I've got this really buzzy fridge right behind you, Jamie.

Yes.

Buzzy, like everyone's talking about it.

Oh my god.

Like it is the talk of the town.

It's the coolest fridge on the street.

It's the fridge of 2018.

So I have to turn it off because it's loud.

So we recorded last week for the...

I would just say, we're that professional.

We switch off.

Oh my god, we close doors.

We close windows.

We really think about this podcast.

We would shut your street if we could.

We'd close it down, wouldn't we?

And I forgot to turn it back on, didn't I?

So all my meat, all my veg, everything in the fridge went rotten and i've had to chuck it away so you've had a very very lean week i haven't eaten i've had to find scraps in the cup eat some mixed herbs james two things you never have any food i was gonna say what could possibly have gone off i know but i i did actually have meat in the freezer that i was keeping for

when the pope came i don't know usually in your fridge you've got an egg a knob of cheese if that's the right measure do you want to have a look now see what's in there have a rubber jalid okay can you hear me from here?

Hang on, I'm going to bring a mic to you because again we're that technical.

Okay there's a small packet of barbecue sauce, the kind that you'd get from a drive-in.

There's three sprouting bulbs of garlic that look like they've been here since the turn of the century.

Why have I ever done this?

Why have I let it go in my fridge?

And some milk that has now become cheese.

Oh, lovely.

What could you make out of that?

It does seem like a cooking show challenge, doesn't it?

I didn't mention the lager, which would make a lovely reduction on top of all of that.

Do you not remember the time we came around and I made some food of my own?

I brought all the ingredients and I said to James, Oh, do you have any salt?

And he said, No, I haven't been shopping this week.

Like you buy salt every week.

He also made you eat it off the floor, if I remember correctly.

Not on a plate, but off the floor.

Yeah, interesting.

There's Pringles in that cupboard.

James, Baroca, the vitamin C supplement, is not food.

I've got flaxseed.

I don't really know what it is, but I've got it.

That's such a sad cupboard.

Close it.

If a cupboard has ever screamed spinster more, honestly it's it brings tears to my eyes i'm never here i'm always out enjoying lives seizing the opportunity

god all the dames if you want to just live your life copying dames you go right ahead jamie he has spent his life just copying dames what's joan flowwright done recently she's been mourning um

despicable do you think when he was a child that's who he had on his wall yeah

maggie smith Judy Dimm.

Maggie Smith in a skimpy bikini rolling in the sand.

Maggie Smith is quite hot back in the day.

No, I'm sure, but she's not really known as a pin-up in that sense.

No, but Helen Mirren still is.

Dame, Helen Mirror.

Dame, exactly.

Dame Helen Mirren.

You had a calendar of dames, didn't you?

No.

You know, like when you see in garages in the 90s, those kind of very raunchy calendars where oiled-up girls in, you know, not very much.

You had the equivalent, didn't you?

But it was in sort of Edwardian garb.

Lots of dames in period dramas.

neck ruffles, Edith Evans, Maggie Smith in The Little Princess.

Trying to think who else is a dame you might like.

Arlene Phillips is about to become a dame.

You'll be pleased about that.

Dame Kelly Holmes, is she a dame?

Oh, so really broadening it out.

It's not just actors, no?

No, yeah.

Are there any more of those like old thespie dames?

Oh, yeah, like Dame Chris and Scott Thomas.

Chris and Scott Thomas.

Yeah.

Dame.

I mean, you can name them all.

He's pretending he can't think of them.

Who's July?

Any like older actress is probably a dame if they're British, right?

Emma Thompson, obviously.

Oh, Dame Ensur, yeah, exactly.

Dame Ann.

December.

Jamie, I've googled some dames here.

Let's see how he responds.

Fit or not?

Well, you tell me.

Dame Diana Rigg.

Dead.

That's not the game.

That's not the game.

Well, yeah.

No, these are people I think Jamie had posters of on his.

Okay, can I just say I didn't have posters of dames of the realm.

Calendar then, sorry.

No, but Dame Diana Rigg was hot back in the day.

Dame Diana Rigg, Dame Judy Dench, Dame maggie smith dame helen mirren dame barbara winson there you go

she was saucy wasn't she back in the day elizabeth taylor oh wonderful no doubt angela lansbury

you loved a bit of lansbow a bit of 10-year-old jamie

lying on his bed looking up probably on his ceiling a poster of lansbow uh joan collins obviously is she a dame they're giving them out

dame olivia de haverland don't know who that is i guess she owned a plane she was very very...

She was in like Gone with the Wind and stuff.

She was 104 when she died.

Bloody hell.

104, better Jamie.

Penelope Keith.

Penelope Keith.

Right, we need to stop this list out.

Olivia Newton-John.

I could have got June Winfield.

This list.

Patricia Rootledge, who was in keeping up appearances, which I love.

Well, guys, this has been fun, but we all know that I had that Britney Spears post from my wall.

Dame Brittany.

Dame Britney Spears.

Any day now.

You two would totally lobby for that.

What are you talking about?

To jump from those women to Britney.

It's a gear change, isn't it?

Life-size it was as well.

Did you press yourself up against the door?

Because she was, like, it was at sort of the right height.

It was quite life-size, it was.

Okay, anyway.

So they continued where they left off.

It's no shame in a dame.

Just like we are going to continue where we left off.

There's no shame in a dame.

Endlessly.

That's his motto.

The thing is, this is the least...

joke of a joke we've ever done.

I only sleep with women with titles.

Is that what you're saying?

A bit like Belinda.

Have you been barred from pubs, Jane?

I have been barred from

well.

It's easier to list what he's allowed.

I have been barred from one pub, and this was, oh, God, about 10 years ago.

It actually made national news.

I knew it was going to be something else.

But we haven't mentioned it before.

Why have we never talked about this?

I was in the pub.

It was a a pub in Soho in London.

And next to our table, there was a gay couple on a date.

Not me.

For once.

I didn't know them.

And they started making out because it wasn't even like a makeout, really.

They just kissed each other.

And they got thrown out of the pub.

And then I...

I remember this.

I remember this.

It was like front page of the Guardian stuff.

It was the...

Yes, exactly.

And I've never been...

Well, I was barred famously, but I would never go back anyway.

I wouldn't go back because I saw it in the news.

Yeah, so that was, so that I then started protesting in the pubs to be like, you can't throw someone up for that.

He's an ally.

I am.

Who knew?

And then

you would have known.

And then me and my friend Lucy, we got barred as well.

We got thrown out and then barred.

We were like, you can never come back.

And then, yeah, it was in the press and all sorts.

Oh my god, of course, his barring has to make national media.

It's fucking front page.

Ridiculous.

Was there a picture of you as well, or like a quote from you?

I think there was a quote from me somewhere and Lucy as well.

But I always wonder what happened to that couple couple because they were really nice.

But I mean, it was the first date, so they're probably not still together.

Jamie, on behalf of the gay community, thank you for your tireless efforts to make safer spaces in London.

Look, it was outrageous, and justice had to be served.

And I think it was actually, I think there was a change of management at that pub.

So can we go back here?

I think you can.

I still can't, but go nuts.

Do you think your face is behind the bar?

How do they ever remember?

This is what I just fan about barring people.

Because he was on the cover of The Guardian.

He made sure his face was beginning.

I wasn't on the cover of The Guardian.

But the couple had a photo shoot on the

page, yeah.

Davey provided headshots, but never made the spread.

Thumbtack presents.

Uncertainty strikes.

I was surrounded.

The aisle and the options were closing in.

There were paint rollers, satin and matte finish, angle brushes, and natural bristles.

There were too many choices.

What if I never got my living room painted?

What if I couldn't figure out what type of paint to use?

What if

I just used thumbtack?

I can hire a top-rated pro in the Bay Area that knows everything about interior paint, easily compare prices, and read reviews.

Thumbtack knows homes.

Download the app today.

Coach, the energy out there felt different.

What changed for the team today?

It was the new game Day Scratches from the California Lottery.

Play is everything.

Those games sent the team's energy through the roof.

Are you saying it was the off-field play that made the difference on the field?

Hey, a little play makes your day, and today it made the game.

That's all for now.

Coach, one more question.

Play the new Los Angeles Chargers, San Francisco 49ers, and Los Angeles Rams Scratchers from the California Lottery.

A little play can make your day.

Please play responsibly must be 18 years or older to purchase, play, or claim.

I went to Brazil for New Year once.

She was going to have a great time.

You just watched loads of DVDs.

Yeah, didn't it rain non-stop?

It did.

We were flooded on an island for eight days and the power went off.

And didn't you get diarrhea?

Yes, thank you.

God.

It was really romantic.

It sounds like the worst holiday ever, actually.

Now I remember you retelling it.

No, but on New Year's Eve, Copacabana Beach, fireworks in the sea.

Oh, wow, that's cool.

It was fabulous.

Two million people.

I actually found a used needle on Ipanima Beach.

That's part of my...

That was the drug section.

Yeah.

It was a dark turn.

Yeah, it was weird.

Didn't you get chased by a dog in the sea in Brazil?

I did, yeah.

Brazil sounds awful.

A demon dog.

It honestly had it in for me.

I had to be saved by a local schoolboy

who jumped in the sea and wrestled the dog to the bottom.

It was honestly horrible.

It was a seabed.

Yeah.

Honestly, apparently the dog was just playing and wanted to have fun with me, but I was like, no, no, no, no.

And I was like trying to, I was like, there's a great picture of him like trying to kick it away.

Like it followed me in the sea and it was like swimming towards me and I was like, oh, and it was huge, this dog.

And I was like, really scared.

And so I was like swimming backwards and like splashing it.

And I could like feel it's like its claws like starting to scratch my body, probably just being nice.

And I was like screaming and like trying to go back.

It was horrible.

Then this little local boy ran in the sea and like grabbed it and like kind of wrestled it under the water.

And I was out of that.

I went straight to like.

You never heard about this.

So this is a near-death experience.

Yeah.

Wait, were you in the dog section?

Because as James said, if you will, stray out of your zone.

I was clearly, I didn't know about the the rules sorry

and for those who've listened to the show endlessly on a loop here's a little bit that you will have never heard before because it was never in the show this is an unheard bit

I actually ran my university, my first year university flat as a video shop.

So my dream kind of came true because people would come and borrow my...

I actually lost a lot of DVDs.

I became the person that everyone borrowed DVDs from.

You borrowed DVDs from me, Alice.

I became known on the campus as the DVD guy.

Can I just say, I knew you and I didn't know that.

So you weren't known as.

Yeah, but you weren't, okay, you weren't on our campus, our like accommodation.

Oh, so you were in the same halls?

Yes.

Yes.

And I was in different halls.

Right, fine.

So, yeah, like people would come around, they'd browse the shelves.

How many did you have?

Hundreds.

I mean, literally hundreds.

Hundreds?

Yeah, yeah.

You brought hundreds of DVDs to university.

Were you not planning on having sex?

No.

There's a film for every night I'll be studying here.

I can tell you, even without hundreds of DVDs, doesn't mean you're having sex.

Yeah, exactly.

Probably because of the hundreds of DVDs, I wasn't having sex.

Is that Ali McMeal?

Goodbye.

Because he got so burnt at uni, even though I would argue that he was buying people's affection by giving them DVDs.

After that, you became very protective of your DVD collection and would not actually loan them out.

Well, they'd start going missing, wouldn't they?

You know?

It was a crime spree.

Did you like sign them out?

No, that was my mistake.

Did you charge or?

No, no, no, no, no.

It was my way of making friends to start with.

Or girlfriends in Alison's case.

Well, hang on.

What, you lent people DVDs to watch without you?

Yeah.

Yes.

And that was a way to make friends.

I hadn't actually thought of that.

Yeah, they would take them to go and watch elsewhere.

With their friends.

And I had a lovely big television in my room that they could have stayed and...

Yeah, but you don't.

It's not like...

I don't think.

It's like buying a TV from Dixon's.

You don't stay in Dixon's to watch your massive TV, do you?

Yeah, you don't sit in H and V and watch.

But then you got an interaction with them when the transaction occurred.

And they left.

But then if they returned returned it and never came back I'm like none of them are friends now James they weren't friends then

I Was used you were god this has turned into a really tragic tale actually

I was used oh my god, but your dream came true which was to run a video shop so

Lucky me James, it's called show business not show friends, you know, you gotta you gotta prioritize your enterprise.

Did you um Drive the night bus to get friends as well?

Like how many of you think I drive the night bus to get friends?

I drove the night bus to save women.

Well, this is the thing.

Altruism is one thing, but I feel it's maybe a slightly ulterior motive, as well as being a good person.

To clarify, for those that don't remember, because we may have talked about it before, James drove a minibus at night, hence the name.

On the hour, every hour.

On the hour, every hour.

He was like clockwork, and it was exclusively for vulnerable women.

Alice, I've made a fucking fortune.

I remember at the time thinking.

It was like £14 an hour.

Bloody hell.

And this was in.

Every hour, on the hour.

So, how many hours did you work a day?

It'd be like 6 p.m.

till 6 a.m.

And

I'd do it like three times a week.

I can't get over what a money bags James was.

And this was the era when we most often accused him of being tight.

Well, he was tight.

I wasn't tight.

But that's how we knew he was tight.

You weren't how much you were earning.

You're not now, but you were then.

Did you two have jobs when you were at uni?

No, but I cleaned the local nursery school all the way through school.

Wait, you cleaned the nursery school through school?

While I was at school.

And that's how I funded university.

Did you have a tabard?

i guess yeah maybe did you wear a hairnet i didn't wear a hairnet you had a tabard it was an honest day's work what i don't understand right is because you're absolutely right it's an honest day's work but jamie doing that little lord fauntleroy cleaning a school it's the tabard i can't get over can we alice jamie in a tabard with velvet post eyes yeah did you have a job at university i did but only in the holes because i was honestly so so dedicated to the work oh shut up um what was it as a waitress oh okay oh my God.

Could you imagine what a pass-ag waitress is?

I was just imagine the sass

I could get a menu in a minute.

Or they're over there.

Yeah, totally.

Oh, my God.

Yeah, I don't remember doing great with tips, actually.

Oh, my God.

Was this in Leeds or in Nottingham?

This was in Nottingham.

I'm back home.

Oh, right.

Can you imagine being able to say you were once served by Alison Bean?

And James, you'd never forget it.

You'd never forget it.

It'd be seared on your memory.

I had an absolute dragon of a boss.

And I once burnt my hands on

a plate.

And I was taking it from the hatch, you know, to the table.

And it was red hot.

And they weren't usually red hot.

And I really hurt my hand.

And she said, you stupid girl.

And she sat me on a stool in the kitchen, rubbed oil on it and wrapped it in a tea towel.

Oil?

Like to make it even more sizzle?

She said that'll cool it down.

This will make it sizzle.

Yeah, I was gonna say, we'll serve these.

So now I think we should try and scar my beautiful house.

Why does she do that?

Oh, yeah, that is horrible.

Did it hurt when she well, it just never cooled down because famously, oil ain't gonna do that.

It's literally cooking your house.

I don't know if she was trying to.

It's so weird.

It's really weird.

Was it like, was it extra version of olive oil?

Yeah, I think it was the good stuff.

Oh, lovely.

Okay.

What was the worst thing that happened apart from getting burnt?

Which is how every customer felt with you.

Actually, can we?

Right, Jamie and I are the diners.

Okay.

Oh, God.

We're just seated, and you approach the table.

Okay.

I'm going to wash it.

Some water for you.

Hello, how are you doing?

Yeah, some sparkling would be great.

Thanks.

She's already giving you a look.

Hang on.

So you just come to the table and slam down some water.

Yeah.

Hello?

Welcome to wherever we are.

To be fair, she was actually being quite polite though, and I go spike on the water.

Jimmy, she went like this.

Water for you.

Okay,

I'm bringing you water without you even asking, which I think is a great way to greet somebody.

I actually want a sparkling.

Well, then you can order that, sir.

Wow, I feel like this is the interaction.

Well, then you can order that, sir.

Right, let's start again.

Let's start again.

Okay.

So you don't even say hello, you just slam the wall.

I did say hello.

I said, hi, how are you?

I didn't hear that.

I was talking over it.

Oh, okay, let's start again.

Sorry.

Okay.

afternoon hello how are you doing yeah good thing thanks how are you yeah good thanks can i get you anything to start i already feel like she's being sassy oh my god she likes to scratch her eyebrows she's like yeah good thanks you give a anyway

um i'll get you some menus um any drinks to start uh yeah um what what's the house wine red uh we have a monte pluciano

Where did she pull that from?

I'll have a Monte Pluciano.

And just some sparkling water water for the table, please.

Thank you.

Absolutely no problem.

I think that's very, very nice.

Yeah, okay.

I stand by, Alice.

I really can't see you in hospitality.

I'm just going to

say.

Okay, fine.

I think I could step back into that job tomorrow.

I think you've made the right choice in your career.

Although, lovely spread you've put on for us today, so that's nice.

You just told me the coffee was undrinkable, but yeah.

Okay, fine.

I appreciate the sentiment.

Again, what a great look back at some of our favourite bits.

Yeah, you know, as I get older

and time takes its toll, it'll be nice to use this as a kind of time capsule.

I'm doing this as much for me as for anyone else.

So he remembers.

Exactly.

That's why I take pictures every day now.

So I can literally, because I literally can't remember what I was doing yesterday.

I take pictures every day.

Well, like,

yeah, so I can look in my camera and be like, oh, I did that yesterday.

Okay.

Right.

Oh, my God.

So, anyway, we've got to go.

But thanks so much for listening again.

Come back next month.

Also, he's never taken a photograph of us doing this.

This long is not the event of his day.

He doesn't want to remember it.

This is being recorded, darling.

I'm so confused about how you live your life, but sure.

There isn't time.

Yes, in the meantime, do get in touch if you have any best bits that you want to hear.

You can get us on Instagram at my dadrota.

Twitter, I'm not even going to use the other word.

Twitter at dadrotaporno.

And email us, mydadrotaporno at gmail.com.

And people are sharing it.

It's like the good old days.

Nice seeing it on people's feeds, isn't it?

Yeah, and like people are leaving nice little reviews and things like that.

Oh, stop being so cute.

Liking and subscribing.

Oh, is that still on?

Yeah,

for God's sake.

So you can do all that.

We'd love to hear from you.

Sort of feels like saying set the VCR, doesn't it?

It feels like such a retro thing to say, like and subscribe.

Yeah, it does.

Did we invent that?

People do say, like, give us a review on a whole podcast that really helps our visibility.

I'm not sure if it's true, but people say that, so do that as well.

Thanks.

I mean, it's a bit late for that, isn't it?

It's a bit

older, of this, to be honest.

Okay, we're going to go.

Thank you so much for listening, and we'll see you next month.

Bye.

Coach, the energy out there felt different.

What changed for the team today?

It was the new game day scratches from the California lottery.

Play is everything.

Those games sent the team's energy through the roof.

Are you saying it was the off-field play that made the difference on the field?

Hey, a little play makes your day, and today, it made the game.

That's all for for now.

Coach, one more question.

Play the new Los Angeles Chargers, San Francisco 49ers, and Los Angeles Rams Scratchers from the California Lottery.

A little play can make your day.

Free play responsibly must be 18 years or older to purchase, play, or claim.

Thumbtack presents.

Uncertainty strikes.

I was surrounded.

The aisle and the options were closing in.

There were paint rollers, satin and matte finish, angle brushes, and natural bristles.

There were too many choices.

What if I never got my living room painted?

What if I couldn't figure out what type of paint to use?

What if

I just used Thumbtack?

I can hire a top-rated pro in the Bay Area that knows everything about interior paint, easily compare prices, and read reviews.

Thumbtack knows homes.

Download the app today.