The Best Of (And Unheard Bits) - Part Two

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Hello, and welcome to the best of my dad rotoporno. It's part two.
We're still doing this, guys. This is becoming like a little tradition, you know, once a month, we get around the mics again.

So there's still enough stuff to keep going. I didn't say that.
Oh, sorry.

So, last time we kind of delved into childhood stories, if you recall. Yes.

And this time I thought. Sorry, let me just salute the air cadets as they're past the girl.
Oh, yeah.

I'm not talking about anything else for my youth anymore.

Don't say that. Alice, there's more, but there isn't time.
So this time I thought we'd delve into kind of some more kind of sexy stuff. Yes.
It's sex, relationships, bodies, even. Bodies,

dating, all of that sort of shit. Yeah, but us, not the books.

Like, because I think, as I think you said this a lot, Al, that, you know, for people that do a show called My Dad Wrote a Porno, we are maybe the three prudish people in London.

I think we got better as it went along, but certainly, yeah. Our eyes were opened.

Yeah, I've learned a lot. Maybe not.
People share so much. I don't know if you found that.
People, you know, that you meet in the street and they say, oh, I love the show.

And then they talk about their sex life very openly. Yes.

Almost like we're kind of agony aunts so that we can help in some way, but we absolutely can't. Yeah.
I don't even like taking my top off.

No, we don't see that in the street. Just listen to them.
Well, you're famously

a never nude from arrested development. I think we said that before, actually.
No, I'm not a self-proclaimed never nude.

I think you've joked that, like, yeah, but I'm just really funny about like public nude. I mean, I'd never go naked in a sauna or anything like that.
And I feel like a prude.

I feel like I'm the one in the wrong. I wish I was a bit more like, oh yeah, let's just get it all out and run around.

We've been to Scandinavia as a three, and you will remember that you have to be naked in the saunas there. Yeah, well, I just don't go in then.

You on the other hand. I love it.
I love it. You love it.
I don't. Your show, anyone who wants to look.
I went to a naked sauna with my brother, actually.

I'm sorry. What? Sorry.
No, no, no, no, no, no.

Okay. Sorry.
There's a boy and a girl section, so obviously you're separated for that bit. Okay.
And then we're... Yeah, the changing rooms.

But then when you come out to like jump in the lake, to go in the ice lake bit after, that is naked. So we just...
I'm sorry.

i mean we've joked before like i mean you fancy your brother

what is it they always say i really wish i could take my brother but he's gay yeah sadly sadly um uh

it wasn't meant to be i cannot believe you and your brother went in a naked late so to be clear to be clear there are two sets of steps off the jetty into the oh well that's fine then because once you're on the other steps you cannot see your brother's dick

so we made a fact that we'd not look, close our eyes, and get in the water, and then when we got out, go back, not back to back, like body to body, but like turn our backs on each other, then put our robes on, then turn around.

So, you didn't really see anything. I didn't see anything, but what a shame.
What a shame. Oh, God, stop you.
Give me the egg. But yeah, it's

a different thing in Sweden. They're just like there with their families.
They just love it. It's so healthy, though, isn't it? Oh, my God.

It makes you realize how repressed and fucked up we are in Britain. Like, we have such a weird relationship with our bodies.
And I just thought that was like, young people have hang-ups everywhere.

No, no, no.

Britain is mad for it. I was in Spain literally a couple of weeks ago with some friends, and they just couldn't handle the nude beach.

One of them called it the Willy Wash Beach. I'm like, no, no, no, it's just human beings on a beach just being completely normal.
Like, you're the one that's got a weird hang-up here. It's not.

The idea of a tanned penis just like blows my mind. Can you imagine? She's like, look how brown that is.
It's an all-over-tan. Oh, good.
Have you ever thought about that? Yeah.

Would you have to put sun cream on it, surely? Oh, yeah. Oh, God.
Probably like before that as well. Yeah, probably.

Certainly for mine, it's never seen the light. It's never seen the light of Jade.
It's like Quasimodo.

And very sensitive skin. And the balls.
Oh. Lather them up.
Well, they are sh in shade.

Oh, God.

How well-endowed your brother is. Oh, my God.
Star!

Maybe put a little cap on your balls, just to like. A cap.
You know, like you put a hat on your head.

Slip, slap, slop. Just put a little cap on your balls.
A Panama hat, maybe. Yes.
Go full duchess with your penis.

Yeah. I mean, so, yeah, this episode is kind of about this.

Not necessarily, obviously.

And, you know, like dating stories, all that sort of stuff. I told a lot of dating stories.
You were the most kind of, you share the most on this pod.

I feel like, you know, Al and I don't really share that much about. Well, I mean, in in a kind of sad way, I feel that's because we don't have as much to share as James.

You had a wonderful, what a storied history. Oh, I was a really good run there for a while.

But you were on dates like, like, maybe like five days out of seven. To the point where I was getting texts.
If I would talk about someone on the podcast, I'd then get a text. No.
Was that about me?

No. Oh, my God.

No, not you, dear. Oh, my God.
Someone else.

He's the Taylor Swift of the podcast games. Oh, my God.
And these greatest hits are my eras tour.

Do you think that maybe that stopped people from dating you because they thought they might appear on the podcast? Or encourage it if they wanted their five minutes? Oh, that's so true.

You did date, well, someone once that maybe was into the fame of it all. Did we never talk about that? I don't think we've talked about it.
Well, you were so weird about it. Do you remember?

Okay, so I don't think.

Oh, I didn't think you were going to. Okay.
It's been a long time. Well, we've got time to fill, so I might as well.

Yeah, I dated

porn star is too strong. Oh, my God.
A porn actor. Well, it wasn't like Liza Minelli of porn.
That's the only celebrity I can think of.

Wow. I mean, Liza Minelli.
Who is the most famous actress in the world? He's really true to his brand. Let's give him that.

He wasn't the Liza Minelli of porn. So who was he of porn, would you say? Oh, good question, Alan.
Well, he wasn't an he was just a porn actor. Like the woman that plays Gail Platt of porn.

Yeah, okay, yeah. Let's give him a porn.

No, she, if you're in joey's it's porn actually she's yeah she's very famous like not not a not famous maybe somebody who'd been in like a couple of episodes of like doctors and you know like some daytime like x on the beach yes lovely like a reality star but not quite the love island level of well yeah finding their feet making their name it was still early dawn okay so he never told me

I knew I found out

you never told me he was a performer okay excuse me wait wait wait you found out yes Yes, my friend told me. Sure.
I don't know how they knew.

I was on a website listing the names, but no images of adult performers. So hang on.
Well, let's, sorry. Pull back.
Al. So speaking.

Pull out.

Let's not interrupt for just five seconds. I can't promise that.
Let him kind of give us the whole story. So, how did you meet him? I love that he says that when he's in.
I know. I'm sorry.

I have been doing it. I am as guilty as anyone.
But James. I met him on an app, a dating app.
Yeah. And then, yeah,

I was a few weeks into seeing him, and someone said, oh, you know,

he had a nom de porn. Oh, really? I don't suppose you can.
I can't remember it. I would love to tell you, but I can't.
Actually, I wouldn't love to tell you.

But I feel like it was like Dubois or something. Like,

it was a bit like Frenchy.

It was lovely. Oh, okay.
And that's obviously not what he introduced himself to you as. No, of course not.
I didn't date him for that long, but I just thought it was pretty straightforward.

Obvious question.

Have you watched any of his work? Yes, of course. Like, I had to, like, once I knew his name, Du Bois, I went across.
He had to do his due diligence.

I mean, you'd be seeing it all anyway, I'm assuming. You would, though.
Yeah, no, of course, yeah, yeah. You would absolutely would.
Because he came to a birthday dinner of yours.

Well, that's James's signature move, as we know. Yeah, true.
If James has been on two dates with somebody, they're coming to the birthday meal.

You also know the minute they go to that birthday meal, you're not going to take it again.

And also, I think we date for like eight weeks. We also went away for a weekend.
So, like, we did it all in like how unlike you.

So. The number of people I've met at those birthday meals that I'm like, oh, I actually really like them.
Well, tough, because I'll tell you what, you are not going to see them for done.

But in a way, like, you dated a porn star whilst you were. Not a porn star.
Never a star. But while you were a porn star.
Because you're kind of one of the stars of Monad Roto Porno. Oh, thank you.

And what are you then, Michelle? And

yes.

No, who was the fourth one?

You're not Latoya.

So you were kind of like a porn power couple.

I guess so, for those brief eight weeks, yeah. But yeah, God, I've dated everything.
Magicians, I've dated.

Mainly magicians. Yeah,

floral magicians. It's funny you say that because when I was on that weird dating app, do you remember that weird one I was on where you had to get like approvals and things? It was all a bit much.

I was on it for about 48 hours. But there was a disproportionate amount of illusionists.
Really? So many. All these single illusionists.
What are we doing?

What's the difference between an illusionist and a magician? And a fantasist, because there's a lot of those as well. I don't know, but I didn't.

I wasn't immediately drawn to them, unlike you. I think it's quite...
A magician's quite a single life. Like, you have to be in your little lab creating your magic tricks all the time.

Is that what he told you? I've got to go to the lab.

I also think magicians are a certain type of person, like, that are super smart, but don't... I'm massively generalising about magicians here.
Oh, God, the magic circle is going to cancel.

I was going to say, I'm saying nothing about this conversation. Go on.
No, I don't know. Like, you know.
They're what sort of people? It's a certain type of person.

James, they're going to chop your legs off and they are not going to put them back on.

So I think it's time to delve into the best of Madad Reborno, the sexy bits. Oh, this wasn't that.
This is just a preamble. Right.
Okay, understood.

This is just, as James says, as filling time for you. Fine.

So, yeah, enjoy. And also, there's an unheard bit, we should say, as well.
Oh, yes, at the end, yeah. Yes, so stay tuned, blah, blah, blah.
Some swill.

Her nipples were working overtime, and their ripe shape made him feel even more randy. Like avocados.
You know, when they're ripe. Do they feel like

ripe avocados or is that too hard? Do you think they would? Is that too hard?

Fucking.

Is that too hard? Is a ripe avocado too hard for what? Do you think the exterior of an avocado feels like a human breast? I think crocodile skin is what Alice has underneath her top.

I'm thinking more the consistency than the come on. The consistency?

No, thank you, Alice.

No. Just a little.
Have a little feel. Oh.

A, I've never done that before. I feel really embarrassed.
Have you never touched a breast before? I've never touched Alice's breast before. Look at that.
With two fingers. I've gone from one to two.

It's not petting a dog. Oh my god.
Look at her spongy typewriter. All right.
What do you think?

The reviews are in. Seven!

Firmer than you thought. Alright.

I don't want to leave it.

Perky, right?

You thought they were close together with a great cleavage, yeah.

A lot of air. Air!

That's your first step.

A lot of air. A lot of air.

Feel like you're poking a balloon. Do you know what I mean? Oh.
Give.

Do you need to go get it? Well, I I need one more.

I've never felt more of a third wheel in my entire life. Well, what's your vibe? Not an avocado.
Well, quite right. That's all I want to do.
Is that what we've learned?

More like

a bag of water.

Like a sack

of water. A water balloon is basically what you want.
A water balloon, yes. Yes, like a water balloon.
To be fair, I'll take that.

To be fair, I was only poking it with one finger. What do you want? A full cup? No.
Wow. No, lovely.

Love what you've got going on.

Congratulations. Love what you've done with the place.

Top notch.

How have you guys been? Yes, good, thank you. Very good.
Yeah, not bad. I did get dumped last night.
Oh, Jay!

By text. Sorry, I didn't mean to laugh.

You absolutely.

No, but I just know that it's going to be an absolute scandal. By text.
By text. Two texts.
It's the modern world. It's how it happens now.
Everyone gets dumped by text.

Well, I certainly do more often than not. You know it's coming when you get a text and not a WhatsApp.
Oh my God. SMS.
How cruel.

Yeah, so I've been seeing him for like, I don't know, a couple of months, like off and on.

But he just went quite quiet on me. And then last.
So I was going to ask him, how do you think things are going? Would you like to dump me?

Basically. Preemptively dump.
And then he texts me and he was like, you know, I think you're really great, blah, blah, blah, blah.

But I got out of a relationship quite recently, just a couple of months ago and to be honest i'm not really ready to be seeing anyone what i know and i was like why are we dating

what is the point he knew that all the time though he'd known that the whole time but he didn't tell me deceptive little james well i won't go that far still quite

is he handsome is he really really handsomely the most beautiful boy i've ever seen but anyway i was supposed to be seeing him tomorrow well obviously that's not happening well i was like i won't yeah i won't hold you to it and he was like oh no i'd still quite like to see you for a drink.

And I was like,

I was like, why? Oh, we're meeting.

I was like, honestly, what is the point in all this? So, sorry, what? You're going on a date even though he dumped you. It's well, no, it's more a drink because I want to.
Why are you adorable?

I just want to like quiz him and be like,

where's your head at?

I really wouldn't. I think just cut it dead, to be honest with you.
What are you going to get out of it? Maybe Bojob, I don't know. But a Bojob and a free drink?

Oh, in that that case, go.

But don't litigate it too much, James. Just move on, you know.
Literally, the nicest man in the world gets dumped and then accepts an invitation to go out for drinks the next night.

To be like double-dumped. Yeah.
Oh, wait, will he then break up with you in person? He's doubling down on the dump. Yeah, he'll probably just give me more reasons.
Exactly, don't you?

Why do I just entertain it? It's fine. How great for your ego? Definitely go.
Just think of happier things like Belinda Blinked. Oh, yes, this will take my mind off it.

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Hi, folks. It's Mark Bittman from the podcast Food with Mark Bittman.

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A friend of mine once went on a date with a guy, first date, and ended up going back to his and they had sex. When he came, he shouted, I can see into the future.
Oh my god,

fucking sway.

Shut up. This isn't true.

It's true. It's one of my favorite stories.
I can see into the future.

And could he? Well, I don't think they had a second date, so I assumed that he wouldn't see her again. I see the other side of your front door and me standing holding my clothes.

I love this world we live in!

I've got one here that says, are Jamie and Alice dating?

Cats out of the bag.

Is it that obvious? I wouldn't say dating, just bumping uglies. Oh, haw, hawk.
That's really not pleasant. Haw.
They cannot keep their hands off each other.

Yeah, I don't think we'd be that compatible, would we? I think we'd have a very fiery relationship.

Very passionate.

The highs would be high, and the lows would be low.

Some days we don't speak.

But my God, the kissing would be bitey.

Oh my god, how much would I have to pay you to kiss me?

It's too weird. You're like one of my sisters, no? It's utterly odd, isn't it? Yeah.
But, James, you wouldn't have to pay me for money.

I think round this table, most likely to kiss Jamie and James.

Give me Lucies.

Vagina from behind? What does a vagina look like from behind? You surely can't see a vagina from behind. What's at the front?

This is going to be doggy style, if that helps. You picture it any better.
Okay. And with doggy style,

does the penis go kind of under the carriage and into the vagina? Into the station. There's like, there's the, do you call it the taint or the gooch? You've got to negotiate that.

What do you mean?

You just don't, you wouldn't go near it. Abra cadabra.
You wouldn't go near it.

It's not really relevant. Think of the angle of the body on all fours.
Yeah. Just think of that.
That's all I'm giving you. I mean, that's all you need.

And also a hint here with the word wide, wide open, I believe it was. Can you imagine that? But her legs are wide open.
Yeah, well, it makes other stuff wide open, doesn't it? Display her vagina.

Right, yeah. Oh my god, this is literally like teaching a kid algebra.
I've got the vagina vagina and you carry the vulva, what do you get? To the power of do.

And the taint doesn't come into it. I'm going to help you, Rob.
Can you stop saying taint? Yeah. What are you going to show me? This is terrifying.
What are you googling?

I don't like how serious she is. She's a woman on a mission.
Okay, so this is what you need to be picturing. No.
I noticed that James has crossed his legs very tightly in anticipation.

Well, you really went for that one.

It looks like she's holding a burger between her legs. Oh, for God's sake, James.
She looks like a a quarter pounder between her legs. James you've seen a vagina.
Not from that angle.

What quarter pounders are you eating? Please stop eating down the road. So this sort of vibe.
I mean that's not unfamiliar to me.

What's the position? Oh here you go. This is what we were looking for.
Oh my god.

Yeah, there you go. That's basically it.
So it's a wide ball. Yeah, go right in there.
Yeah.

Okay, right. Wow.
I genuinely didn't know it went back that far. What do you mean went back that far? Like, that is touching asshole.
Yeah, but when you give birth, sometimes it tears all the way up.

Yeah, no, I've heard that.

They're literally right next to each other, aren't they? Next-door neighbours.

Just pop over to the bottom. Do you want me to send you this? I'll send you this.

Her feet are very dirty. Well, she's writhing around on this piece of canvas.
You are really honing in on the most important parts of these pictures.

What is every man's dream thigh? What's your dream thigh, Joe? Yeah, I don't know. What's your dream thigh? Just like a normal slender thigh, I guess.
Definition? Muscle? Not overly, no.

Like, you know, that like side.

That's everyone's thigh, isn't it? Whose thigh doesn't have that? Larger people. Yeah, mine definitely has that.

Yeah, I'm working on my sideline. Just tense it, Alice, for God's sake.
Mine just looks like that thing they shave kebab meat off of.

That big elephant leg

in a kebab shop with the bag. It's as thick at the top as it is at the bottom.
Oh god, cankles. What an image.

This is like when you're dating someone, you get a WhatsApp and you don't read it straight away so you don't get the two blue tips. You just

keep it grey. Isn't it so great when it pops up on your home screen so you've not actually read it? But you have...
Yes. So good.

Apparently now you can like turn it off so that everything appears unread forever.

So no one knows when you were last online or what you've read and what what you haven't how did you do that i don't know someone did it to me once they were ghosting me at the same time so it's entirely possible they just didn't read my messages but have you ever been ghosted no that's pretty gutting yeah happens quite a lot for you it's happened a few times to me people just stop talking to me

so is that where you're chatting to someone it's all going fine and then one day they just never reply ever again yeah and you have no idea you're like what have i done and i presume it's called ghosting because it's like they've died and turned into a ghost

is that why it's called that you just disappear like a ghost

honestly the politics of it, Alice. I'll have to teach you.
So what do you do then? You're obviously quite the teacher. How many times do you try and get back in touch?

Maybe you give it once, but don't do it more than once. Like, take the hint.
We have a friend when texting used to be a thing, she'd always say, never double green. Never.
Never double green.

What's double green? Oh, I see. Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Oh, my God. On Tinder once,

I was on a night out and I'd matched with someone. And I woke up the next morning with a message from them.
And it was like, hey, handsome. And I was like, oh, hi, how's it going?

So I thought I'll text him back. So I just wrote a message, like, oh, hey, how's it going?

Sent it. I was like, hang on, why is his message blue? And why is my message blue? Oh, God.
I was in a conversation with myself. Oh, God.

I'd called myself handsome and then replied to it.

I had to unmatch immediately. It was so embarrassing.
Even look at you. And you wonder why you get goes.

Jesus. Oh, God.
I'm not sure you're ready to have your own mobile phone.

Seriously.

He grabbed her cervix.

I have to say something here. He's going to kill her.

He's actually going to do some serious internal damage. And if we don't stop him, I don't know who will.
Oh my God.

And he grabbed her dot, dot, dot. Boob, breast nipple,

hand, face, whatever. Grabbed her face.

Bear than cervix.

I don't think Rocky's the only one that's ignorant about the cervix. So I'm just gonna Google for you really quick.
Do you see that bracketed area? That's vagina. Yes, it looks like a map of the UK.

Okay, that we have to deal with later. I'll do geography next time.

So the cervix isn't part of the vagina, guys. Okay.

The cervix, as you can see, is almost grazing the lung. It's quite northerly.

If you're talking about the UK, James, we'd be an Inverness, alright?

Wow. Okay.
That was a useful useful diagram. Thank you, Alice.
You're welcome. And I'll just show you one more thing.
The opening of the cervix is called the Oz.

The cervical Oz allows menstrual blood to flow out from the vagina during menstruation. During pregnancy, the cervical Oz closes to help keep the fetus in the uterus until birth.

Should you be grabbing that?

Should you be compromising the structure of that? God, every day's a school day, isn't it? Well, it is today. I think this is the key bit of information that I feel like Rocky maybe didn't know.
Okay.

Approximately half the cervix length is visible with appropriate medical equipment.

The remainder lies above the vagina, beyond view.

Wow. Okay, guys.

If you're grabbing that,

you've gone wrong. Wow.

Have you guys heard of Goldstar Gays? Oh, this rings a bell. You're a Gold Star Gay if you've never been with a woman.
Never

had vaginal sex.

I don't like the the hand. You just feel like a weird little jazz hand.
It's so ridiculous a name. Have you heard platinum star gay? What's that? No.
Caesarean section gay.

So you've never actually been in the era of a dinner.

That's brilliant. Came out of the sunroom.
So that's when you're pure as driven snow.

Exactly. Platinum

star gay.

What can you get beyond that? I think maybe platinum's the top. Yeah.
I was about to say test tube, but completely misunderstanding that a test tube baby isn't grown in the test tube. Or maybe Jesus.

Yeah, divine conception, probably. So you're gold star.
I'm gold star gay. Well, you have that girlfriend, though.
Who? Who was that girlfriend at school? You got married to her, didn't you?

What? I've never heard of this. Did you have a girlfriend they got married to at primary school? What on earth are you talking about? Primary school? We all got married at primary school.

Hello, Elspeth, if you're listening. You got married to Elspeth.
I did. Yeah.
Do you know where she is now? She was in Belgium.

She sounds like she originally lived in Belgium. She fled the country.
Was it a happy marriage?

It was lovely. It lasted the summer.
Oh, wonderful. For primary school, that's forever.
I know, right? It's like Ruby Bee anniversary.

Oh, nipple tassels.

Hey!

They've got like sticky backs. Oh, please put them on, James.

One.

Two. Beautiful.
I'm going to wear these for the whole channel. I kind of want to put them on.

Al, do you want them? Yeah. Well, you can take them home.
You're going to put them on your actual nipples. Yeah, should I? Oh, my God.

On your actual nipples? Well, don't look. One sec.

Oh, suddenly the boys wished this was a video podcast.

Are you actually gonna do it? Yeah, the number

thing.

I can't believe this is happening.

She's literally naked in the room. Oh,

can we get a picture of her? Wait a sec. No, you cannot get a picture.

But people will want it for Instagram.

Oh my!

Alice 2.0! She just shook those cans.

Are you drunk?

Oh, that's so sticky. Ow! Ow!

I've never seen anything like it. What did you think? The sea must have it.
Behind the scenes!

Oh, Alice, what a good sport. So that picture is going to go up on Instagram, what, tomorrow? Yeah.
View our Instagram story for exclusive behind-the-scenes content.

Wow. I just can't believe you saw Alice in nipple tassels.
That is an image I can't get on my hand. Can you not unsee it? I feel like it's going to be seared into my memory.

You know, when you close your eyes, when you've looked at a light and all you can see is the light. I feel like every time I close my eyes now, that's all I'm going to be able to see.

Thank you for thinking of them as light bulbs. I was going to say, look great.
Many thanks. Congratulations, it's been working out.
Okay.

Not that you look bad before.

Nice, muscly boobs. That was all a ruse to show us your new

2.0 board. Oh, is that all it meant? I stopped eating as much custard.

she's female don't forget oh multiples yeah yeah you're right but it's like it's multiple in one isn't it what's that again what when you have when women have an orgasm they have multiple at once in one orgasm

what do you mean multiple in one what like a big one like a turbo buy one get one free

what do you mean when a woman orgasms yes yeah it's that what's the reason it's so intense and happens less frequently than a man is what you mean less frequently more frequently. James.

Women orgasm less frequently than men. No, women can orgasm multiple times and it's not.
In a session,

it's not about. Really? Yeah.
Yeah. Oh, fantastic.

Oh, God.

James is now straight. Then why do women fake it? Because it doesn't mean you can come when you want to come.
It just means that you, in theory, in one sitting, let's say.

In one go. In one go.

In one game of one sesh. You could come.
In one roll of Yahtzee. Yeah, you could come lots of times.

Wow. Because you know how guys, like, once you come, you've got to have a bit of a rest.
Yeah. Not so with women.
Just keep going. You are fascinating to me.
Put him in a test tube, Alison Bean.

Put him on a Petri dish. I feel like this is a lot of this.
We need to take this off podcast because there's more. I have more questions.
Should we just go out for a drink? I think we need to. No,

I don't mean like and potentially get together and then I'll have them off. Yeah, that was more just to fill you in on everything you need to know.

I'm on Wikifeet. You're on.
I've heard of Wikife. You're on WikiFeet.
Look it up right now and put my name in.

They've been gathering this archive for years. Yeah, it's basically a catalogue of famous people and pictures of their feet, right? Yeah, well, thank you for saying that.

Yes, it's the upper echelons of feet. Oh, sorry.
Zedlases.

It's famous people and me.

And yeah,

you're going to be wowed by the selection they're there.

Okay. what have we got here? Bloody hell.
Wow. Some of them are zoomed in versions of bigger pictures.
You've just got shoes on in some of them. That's okay, apparently.

Oh, guys, at the bottom it says three pictures were removed from this gallery. For indecency.
Two pictures were reported as duplicates. Oh,

okay. And one picture was reported as, and I quote, no feet showing.

It is the founding principle of WikiFeet. Who not measured a picture of your face?

Right, they've got some interesting information here. Can I just say, I love on WikiFeet that a picture of my face is abhorrent.
They're just like disgusting. Get a picture of your feet on there.

So you know, you can rate people's feet on here. You've got ratings.
Oh my god. Oh.
90 out of 187 votes, the results are in.

Nilbois.

91 people said you were beautiful. Feet.

You were beautiful. Feet.

46%.

Sorry, 46 people said nice.

No.

Now that's a bit of a rinse nut. Oh my goodness.
Faint praise. 29 said okay.

15 said bad. Bad feet.
Get this.

Six said ugly.

Oh my god. And the comments section's quite interesting.
Oh my god. I didn't see any of this.

So someone said, love the souls of redheads. They always look amazing.
She's not a redhead. She's famously a fake redhead.
Okay, we don't need to keep saying it.

People might not have heard that episode. There's one of you with like a bloody leg here with your foot in it.
Like, it looks like you've hurt yourself.

Oh, yeah, that's when I got bashed up in the sea. They're so nice, these people.
Someone said her foot movements seemed charmingly precise and careful.

No, can I just say the Wikifeet community, wonderful, wonderful bunch. I would hang out with them over YouTube any goddamn day.

And also, I'd just like to say to everybody that voted for me, thank you to the Academy,

to my mum and dad. I I wouldn't have these little tootsies without you.
And anybody that's enjoyed my feet over the years, appreciate it.

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Hi folks, it's Mark Bittman from the podcast Food with Mark Bittman.

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There's something I want to bring up. I want to get resolved.
Oh, we had an email. Oh God, I dread these.
Do you know what? I love that James is the only person that knows the login to our email.

Didn't even know we had an email. It's just something I want to resolve.
It's from Eric. Hi, Eric.
The title of the email is As a a Virgin. Okay.
So

the title of the email leads into the email. You caught my attention, Eric.
Go on.

As a virgin, it is nice to have apparent virgin James Cooper in the studio

to represent us

and say stupid stuff while pretending he knows things. Eric.
James, you are rumbled. And also, studio.
He wishes. We're in a kitchen.
Eric is an anagram of Alice and Jamie.

Does everyone think I'm a virgin? Well, Eric does. I mean, I wouldn't say everyone.
But you're part of his team. Right, I'm not a virgin.
Just to clarify.

I feel like you have to say whether you are or aren't. Don't feel precious.
He has a right to response.

Eric, I'm not a virgin or I. So we don't know whether James is a virgin or not.
Let's just say that. We don't know.
It's ambiguous. Nothing wrong with you being a virgin, Eric, obviously, but I'm not.

So I just wanted to clear this. Have you ever heard someone protest too much more than this?

The fact that he felt the need to bring it up in the first place speaks volumes, James. This is obviously because of your perceived lack of knowledge about, I presume, the female form.

Not your area of expertise, and you never said it was. No.
But your naive charm is what draws people to you. Other virgins.

But maybe people don't understand that you're actually gay. Maybe that's the thing.
That is true. Thank you for asking.
Oh, wow. So you scouted him as a virgin and now as gay.
I'm a gay virgin, and

that's why I don't have that much knowledge about the female anatomy anatomy because it's not what

he enjoys. I enjoy!

Well I'm glad that we've cleared that up. It's not to my taste, so to speak.
And also James's mum listens, so that's the first time Shawno as well.

I'll talk to you when I get home.

And now your award for listening to all this stuff that you've probably heard before.

Here is this episode's unheard bit.

My issue is that I... Oh, here we go.

How long you got? She's on a soapbox. What's your issue, Levine?

Oh, it's not so much an issue. I just, I don't know if other people have experienced this.
This boy I was seeing kisses way too slowly. Oh.
I mean, what do you mean, like slow motion?

Okay, I'm going to have to

demo it and then I'll explain. On who? Jamie, do do it.
No,

I'll demo it on my hand, okay? Okay. Here's how quick.
Oh, gutted.

Oh my god, that is. For the benefit of the table, Alice is still opening her lips to instigate the kiss.
That's how long this is taking. And what are you doing in this time? Like, you're ready to go.

I mean, initially, I was like jabbing my tongue in there, and I was like, oh no, we're like going really slow.

Sensual. That is, but that's snail slow.
That's snail slow. And my thing is, I didn't know it.

I just didn't know when it had started or finished. So I was like,

initially, I was like, okay, let's get that tongue in there. Let's do some exploration.
Yeah. But then I was like, oh, no, we're at such different tempos.
He's waltzing and I'm like.

I'm doing Irish dancing. A little jig.

Jenny, she didn't know it finished.

Yeah, I don't understand that. The starting thing, I get you.
How did you not know it's finished? Because it's all just nothing.

It's so slow. Like, it was imperceptible.
Like, the movement, like, if I really concentrated, I could feel. I could feel the.

Hang on. So you've just got like a kind of a flaccid static tongue in your mouth.
No, there's no, I mean, there was tongue, but only because I'd sort of invigorated it with my tongue.

You pulled it in with yours. You hooked it in.
You were flapping it like a dead fish. So I was.
I was like a breeze on your lips.

I was giving like mouth to mouth to his mouth, but to like get the tongue going, to to create a current.

Wow. You know when you waft a tablecloth and the first bit ripples and then the end ripples.
Enough like pressure so that kind of everything just starts moving. Wow.

So hang on, wait, wait, wait. Oh God, why have I said this? Not to get too intimate, but was everything slow? Like, how? Yeah, that's true.
Did it continue?

Was he generally like a slow-moving person? Yes.

Oh, that doesn't match you because you walk like a teacher on like a field trip who's like really stressed. She's like, come on, everyone.
I've got to get to the coach before it leaves without us.

He told me to walk slower. No, he didn't.

And you told him to kiss Buster. He was literally, I was like, okay, well, while we're having an amnesty, he was like literally trotting behind me.
Like, I was always a bit ahead.

Dating a turtle. This turtle man.

Do you think he knows that he's a slow kisser? He'll be slowly reaching for his phone.

We'll get that email email in about 10 to 12 weeks. Obviously, when you first start seeing somebody, you're like learning who they are.
You're learning how their body works.

Like there's stuff that you'll become more compatible with, right? Yeah. But that is tricky because we're just on a tempo mismatch.
Is he elderly?

Did I not say so? He's 86.

And my God, it's quick for an 86-year-old. Yeah, to be fair.
He put his teeth back in. Let's judge people on their own terms.

I feel like. Did he talk like this?

Alice,

give

me a smooch.

A smooch. He's not really 87.
He's also not a robot.

But like, was he. It got quicker.
Because, you know, you need a certain amount of tempo to kind of

do stuff. I would say that on the graph of speeds.
Ah, the famous graph of speeds. Yes, pull that one out.

He's near the lower end. Yes.
In everything. Some speeds.
Oh, wow. But like, sometimes, like, don't get me wrong, like, slow doesn't equal bad.
No. But if you're slow at everything, life is long.

And it's nice to mix up tempos. I think that's where a lot of, you know, sometimes you want a Kaylee, sometimes you want a street dance parade, you know?

Yeah, and this guy does seem like, you know, the really extreme end of like

slow. Like almost not moving.
Like one time i did think i don't have time to kiss you

i'd love to kiss you i've got a meeting in 30 minutes

i honestly was like this is gonna take

Did you have to allocate time in your day? Oh my gosh. I just knew how long it would take.
That must be so annoying. It's always there like rage inside you like hurry the fuck up.
No, I love snogging.

Like I think snogging is one of life's great joys. But I just think there's a bit of dynamism in there, isn't there? Well, the way I do it, anyway, it's

an absolute roller coaster ride. You don't really know what's going to happen next.
How long were you with him? It was, it wasn't long at all. Felt like two years.

Time moved at a different place.

Two weeks. Okay, so that's Alice's dating story with Grandfather Time.

Lovely.

Oh my god, I don't remember that conversation. I do.

I wish I did. Now I will remember it forever.
I'll treasure it. Oh my god, too funny.

Again, really fun. It's nice to kind of relive some of this.
Surprise.

No, I mean the whole thing, not just your slow kissing story. I mean, there was some rough stuff in there.

It's quite confronting in some ways, isn't it, to have all your terrible dating stories in one 40-minute place. Some people keep lifelong diaries.
We have this to haunt us.

I mean, it will live forever. But it was fun.
That was fun. We'll be back next month for another slice of Best Bits and Unheard Gems.

So, yeah, in the meantime, do let us know if there are any bits that you want to include in one of these episodes, actually. It's very nice to kind of listen to you guys.

Yeah, and it's been very helpful. We have had some correspondence, so we'll bear those in mind for the future.
The usual channels, you know, your Instagrams. At my Dadrotta.
Yeah, emails.

Mydadrototporno at gmail.com. If Twitter still exists, slash X.
At Dadra Porner. Great.
Amazing. See you guys next time.
Bye. Bye.
Goodbye.

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