The Best Of (And Unheard Bits) - Part One

It is Ryan Seacrest here.

There was a recent social media trend, which consisted of flying on a plane with no music, no movies, no entertainment.

But a better trend would be going to chumbacasino.com.

It's like having a mini social casino in your pocket.

Chumba Casino has over 100 online casino-style games, all absolutely free.

It's the most fun you can have online and on a plane.

So grab your free welcome bonus now at chumbacasino.com.

Sponsored by Chumba Casino.

No purchase necessary.

VGW Group void where prohibited by law 21 plus.

Terms and conditions apply.

Hello, and welcome to the best of my dad rotoporno.

This is going to be short, isn't it?

That's it.

Thank you so much.

I mean, you can just listen to the whole back catalogue.

We'd love that.

Am I right in thinking this is due to overwhelming popular demand, James?

Well, you know, I love the social medias you do all of them

i still like to check what's going on on there and people keep it's not illegal you can do that i still check twitter even though you know it's going to the dogs um x now no x

and give it to you um and yeah people are constantly telling us their favorite moments their favorite memories of the show whether it's uh jamie's accents you saying fuck off

uh me and my talking cat which people always email me about hello so yeah we thought wouldn't it be fun to have all those best moments in one place?

I couldn't agree more.

Also, you just reminded me that Logan Roy has stolen my catchphrase.

Now I would say Logan Roy is a more famous fuck-off than me.

Yeah, that's true.

Are you saying that the fuck-offs in succession is an Easter egg of my dad wrote a photo?

Look.

I didn't say it.

You said it, but it seems to make sense.

The way that Kristen Scott Thomas in Fleabag is clearly an homage to Belinda.

What's that?

Well, she plays Belinda, who's like an award-winning businesswoman now.

And they meet at the bar after the event.

Yes, I've never thought about it.

So you're saying all of culture are nods to your

head's got too big for your body, my darling.

Literally impossible.

I'm surprised you get a hat on that head these days.

But yeah, so we thought that we'd do some kind of best of episodes and kind of starting in the most logical place, which is the most embarrassing childhood stories of the three of us.

We really overshare on this show.

You've often talked about this podcast being instead of therapy, Jamie.

And I feel like when you do therapy, you go back to those early years.

Yeah.

And that is what we've done here.

And we're going to be releasing an episode every month with a different theme.

That's the idea, isn't it?

Yeah.

Really loose, awkwardly crowbarred in themes.

Absolutely.

And stuff that's not just Belinda stuff, like the stuff that's like...

our stories, weird things that have happened.

Yeah, because we did the best of book for every series.

So if you want your like favourite lines, they're still there as well.

Go and listen to those.

Listen to whole episodes, maybe.

And for those that know it, Inside Out, Back to Front, 69, The Shape of Two Naked Women, there's also...

Oh, Alice, one naked lady.

Oh, it's even more confusing than that.

It's just one naked lady.

How quickly she forget?

Then there are some new bits, too.

Yeah, if you keep listening to the end of the episode, we might have slotted in something we

have never played before.

I wonder why I didn't make the cut.

No, do you know what?

Time constraints.

Honestly, it is like, because when I've been editing this show over the years, there've been so much stuff that I kind of did want to include that was funny, but the show's kind of got longer and longer as the series have gone on.

And we've always been quite kind of judicious.

Yeah, and just like wanted to put the best stuff in it.

So it isn't that it's just crap that wasn't good enough.

It's just that there really was no place for it.

So I think it's going to be quite fun for people to listen to the stuff that didn't make it.

So you mean all those emails I sent after every episode about like, where's my funny joke about this?

Where's my funny joke about that?

You actually were listening and you were compiling a little sort of like, I guess, scrap spin.

Yes.

So, stay listening to the end for scraps.

What do they call it in a pub?

All that, all the beer that's swill.

The swill.

The sloshy swill pit.

And I'm just so glad that you know, people have been waiting for this thing that we've been teasing that we're not gone forever.

That this isn't that.

We should make that clear as well.

Oh, so this isn't that?

No, this is just something to whet your whistle in the meantime, Alice.

Keep your tip wet.

Thank you.

Keep it wet with that swill.

Lovely.

So, yeah, so this episode is going to be all about kind of the childhood trauma, really, that we shared with you all.

Because we talk a lot about being kids.

For a porn show, yeah.

Well, that did mostly come from you, Jamie, because you probably had the...

the oddest childhood of us all.

The most non-traditional.

Yeah, unconventional.

I mean, we didn't get to the half of it, but yeah, sure.

Well, this is a good opportunity to just scratch the surface a bit more, I suppose, because we'll hear in this episode about your friends, about your pastimes.

But I'm trying to picture you as a young boy in school.

Yeah, set the scene.

Oh,

it'll amaze you that I was quite badly bullied.

Um, and not just because I was, you know, in the air cadets.

And you know, in the what, sorry?

Shut up.

I was in the air cadets.

I don't know what that is.

Is that the red arrows?

It's like, yeah, like youth, I guess, like youth RAF camp, I guess.

No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, my god, how's it happen?

Oh my god, the swills at the front!

There's a thick head of swills!

It was quite big, I think, in like the 90s.

Like to differ, we grew up in the 90s, it was not.

No, no, like the TA, there was like the territorial...

I remember.

It wasn't in the territorial army.

That's my life in Burma.

You weren't there, man.

You weren't there.

We don't talk about it.

It's too traumatic.

No, I remember there being like a youth branch of the army, but the air cadets.

Yeah, so that's that for the air cadets.

Sorry, you know how to pilot a plane.

Right, so no, I left before any of that kind of substantive stuff was learned.

But yeah, I was a member of the air cadets.

What do you do in the air cadets unless you're flying?

It was very kind of like training camp kind of vibes, which obviously I wasn't very well equipped for.

When did you have time?

Between your life drawing and your theatre pass, like, where did you have time for air cadets?

Well, I like it.

To serve the country.

Bear in mind, I have

a salute, Alice.

I didn't even know you were a captain in the Air Force.

One of four kids.

I think my parents just wanted us out of the house for as much time as possible.

So we kind of had to do things every night of the week.

Oh my God, please tell me what you wore.

What is it?

There was a uniform.

There was a uniform.

What?

Have you got pictures of this?

I don't know.

Surely on your pilot's license, there's a picture.

I never even got in a plane.

That's the worst thing about it.

What did you do?

I don't really know.

I remember going to this kind of hut outside of the town that we lived in, Manchester.

And we would just like go there after school and like do drills and stuff.

And I guess.

Drill of war.

We like learn about things like survival techniques.

To be fair, he has survived.

Yeah, I was going to say he's alive to this day, so training's worked.

But like, you know, you'd like...

Teach him teachers some tips.

And like navigation and stuff.

And like you do.

Was it like Top Gun?

I'm just going to Google the air cadets because it was obviously years ago.

The fact that this is spilled out of his mouth so quickly.

The Royal Air Force Air Cadets.

Oh, he's added that.

So, like, this isn't me.

Oh,

no.

That's even worse than I imagined.

It's a bearing.

It's a bear.

Bring that closer.

I'm not sure.

Obviously, that's...

the modern uniform.

So like, but...

Did you have all those badges?

I don't think I had badges.

That's when he could fit a hat on his head before it got too big.

Anyway, this is a real tangent.

I didn't even mean this to be a massive thing, but yes.

How long were you in the Air Cadets?

Oh, a couple of years.

I think it was kind of, you know, I don't know if you guys did Cubs and Biebers and stuff.

It was kind of like the next thing along from that, because I was never a scout.

The Air Cadets sounds way more prestigious than Cubs.

It was a proper thing, yeah.

I don't think I was that well suited to it, but I'm glad I was.

I'm really reluctant to come today, but this has already paid dividends.

Like, if we just get this, I'm thrilled.

There's always something, isn't there?

He's an endless well of just like random facts.

Biography, there's always more biography.

I mean, I'll be honest with you, there's more than even I know.

Do you know what I mean?

Like, I forget things like this.

Like, I used to sing in the choir at the local church and having to have to do like funerals and things.

James, I can't.

I can't.

I just don't want to stay.

I just don't want to stay.

And the worst thing about that was I didn't read sheep music.

So on my first day,

the choir master gave me this song and he was like, so just

sing the first note.

Didn't know what I was like so I was in there.

So I went Lord

It was meant to be like Lord.

So I didn't even know anything.

I feel weak.

Anyway, yeah, look, read my autobiography if you're not.

You're seeing me singing Lord at a funeral.

How many funerals must I have ruined?

I do worry about that.

Singing running away from the butcher's dog as somebody's coughing gets carried down the aisle.

And it's like how Whitney Houston started.

Anyway, so yes, this is an episode about our childhood.

I think we just end it there.

Tip of the iceberg.

I don't know this man.

I couldn't stand in a quarter blower and say I know this man.

Well, Al, if you like that, there's plenty more where that came from.

Should we get going with the best of?

Yes, yeah.

And stay tuned at the end for this unheard.

Peace of swill.

When I was a kid, we had a family friend who'd like humiliate you by going, Little Finger laugh at you.

Little finger laugh at you.

And he'd like, little as hell.

He'd wiggle his little finger your way and he'd be like, little finger laugh at you.

I'd be like, Carl!

Get that little finger away from me.

What a strange boy.

Have you ever been laughed at by a little finger?

It's one of the most humiliating humiliating experiences.

Was he a grown man?

He was a grown.

He's my dad's friend.

What?

Oh my god.

I thought he was another child.

No, he's my dad's friend.

And then like my sister would join in.

So it was like a chorus of, oh, Joseph, don't laugh at you.

But why are they laughing at you?

Because I'm probably titting around about something.

Little finger laugh at you.

Little finger laugh at you.

Let's see if he still reacts to it, Jamie.

Little finger laugh at you.

No, don't.

Little finger.

So do you have to waggle it like that?

Up and down.

Like the little finger is like like belly laughing.

Oh my god, that's awful.

It's kind of really creepy and sinister, isn't it?

Little finger laugh at you.

You're doing a strange voice with it.

That's the voice used to.

Little finger laugh at you.

Are you still friends with this gentleman?

Is he in your life?

No, not anymore.

And I'll never forget it, actually.

It really, really bothered me.

It's got that Pavlovian effect to it.

Like when you guys did it then.

Oh, absolutely.

Deep, deep shame.

What's weird about it is it's not the little finger laughs at you.

The conjugation of the phrase is confusing.

Little finger laugh at you.

Little finger laugh at you, Carl.

You're a terrible grammar.

Would this be worse?

Index finger laugh at you.

No, it's the little index finger.

It's like, what have you got to be so happy about?

Even the little fingers laugh at you.

Even the runtime.

Yes, you're right.

It's that, isn't it?

It's that belittling.

With this lovely manicure, does it make it any better?

When I was a kid, we had some friends who had all daughters.

And and we were around playing one day, maybe like dressing up as like a clown or something with makeup and things.

Yeah.

When it was time to go home, I went to the bathroom and found a flannel and started to wipe my face with it.

And then one of the girls rushed in and said, no, stop, Jamie, that's the bottom flannel.

What's a bottom flannel?

Don't think about it too long.

That's the flannel that they used to wash their bottoms.

All of them.

Collectively as a family.

The bottom flannel.

Not one of the bottom flannels.

That's Jilly's bottom flannel.

That is the bottom flannel.

Yeah, so I was obviously mortified, dropped it, and I was like,

the bottom flannel.

Honestly, now the word flannel, I can't hear it without having flashbacks, much like blended with a trellis.

You had bottom all over your face.

James.

I know the feeling.

James Leds, so far, so good.

When's the punchline?

I love that story.

The bottom flannel.

Isn't that right?

Can we try and get hashtag bottom flannel trending this week?

Oh my god, that would make my life.

Did you have a bottom flannel growing up?

Yeah, if anybody had a bottom flannel growing up, please do get in touch.

It's the main reason I use a hot cloth or muslin on my face.

I could never go there again with a flannel.

Okay, right.

What is that?

This is niche.

So when we were kids.

James, you sounded like you knew.

I do know this one.

You've told me about this before.

So when we were kids, the parentals were like, right, we're going to go for a week away.

So we thought centre parks, oasis.

Any of the go-tos?

Host seasons.

That would be very appropriate for Belinda.

It really would.

No, we rocked up at Sandy Balls.

Just kind of like a centrepark.

No, you didn't.

No, we really did.

Sandy Balls is real.

Yeah.

Is it?

Yeah, it's real.

Well, I don't know if if it's still around, but it was around.

No, no, no, it is.

It is.

I saw adverts for it on the tube like last year or something.

No.

There you go.

Did Rocky find the card in a kind of disused telephone box?

How did he find out about it?

So weird, right?

But it was actually a really nice place, but just, what a name.

Is it deliberately a bit silly?

It wasn't knowing at the time.

Well, I mean, I was so little, I don't really know, but maybe it was kind of a bit of an II.

Is it a chain of Sandy Balls?

I think there's only one Sandy Ball.

There's only one Sandy Balls.

There's only one Sandy Ball.

So she's like, oh, oh, really?

Oh, no, she said it with all the entertainment value of a week at Sandy Sunday Ball.

Is that a lot of entertainment value?

She's very, very well done, all the entertainment value.

What sort of things are we talking about?

Cabaret nights.

Cabaret nights.

You know, paints.

Paints.

Paints.

Wow.

Paints.

Oh, my goodness.

Cabaret nights, we had paints.

Two nights, ladies and gentlemen.

Paints.

All the paints you can imagine.

We've got red.

We've got blue.

And ladies and gentlemen, we've got green.

We've got canvas.

No, you bring the canvas, we'll bring the paint.

No,

we painted plates.

That's worse.

I like the sound of paint snipes.

I actually just showed you.

I like to think they had a series of tins of wall paint and then they'd open them and go, oh, this pink one.

Guess the colour, guess the colour, guess the colour.

It's called Midnight Express.

What colour, ladies and gents?

That's got to be a blue.

It's got to be a blue.

Do you know what?

It was a blue.

I did so well at paint.

It's like a bingo card.

You put all the samples and you have to get them all.

And all the Flintstones are like, oh, what a great paints night.

Oh, my God.

Just went back every year for paints.

Guys, what is this?

Oh, acrylic?

It's acrylic.

It's acrylic.

You guessed it.

It was eggshell.

Sorry, everyone.

My name's Matt.

Just a little joke.

My name's Matt, and this has been Paints.

I think we really struck on something.

It's the glossiest night at Sunday Morning.

Oh my gosh.

Oh my gosh.

Why does every recipe I try need 18 ingredients, including a jar of something paste I'll never use again, but will sit in my fridge for nine months?

I just want dinner in the oven fast.

That's why I love Blue Aprons new one-pan assemble and bake meals.

They send you fresh ingredients that are already chopped.

All you do is put it all together and bake.

That's it.

No chopping, no weird leftovers, just delicious, easy-to-make meals.

Get 20% off your first two orders with code APRIN20.

Terms and conditions apply.

Visit blueapron.com/slash terms for more.

My brother used to laugh in his sleep.

Oh, that's creepy.

I know.

Also, one time I had a cabin bed, you know, like a bunk bed, but it's raised, nothing underneath.

I had a small desk for my eight-year-old needs in the kind of admin department.

But I had one of those.

And one night I was laughing hysterically.

My dad heard it, woke him up.

That's how loud I was laughing, like down the hall, came in.

I was running up and down the bed,

knowing when to turn around.

Weird.

Like laughing hysterically.

I thought you were a demon.

Running up and down, Dr.

Robin style, like, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom.

And they were worried I was going to like fall off the end of the bed and break my neck.

So my dad lifted me down, just pissed all over him.

You didn't see that twist, did you?

That is some exorcist shit.

Did your head rotate?

Yeah, why?

Well, I think what you both forget about me is that I'm actually an award-nominated actor.

Oh.

So, you know, this is all a bit of a breeze to me.

What was this?

The role again?

I was, Alice, I don't know if you know this about me.

I was nominated for Best Actor in a Leading Role at the Cheshire Warner Act Festival for playing Toad in Toad of Toad Hall in 1996.

This makes so much sense.

Brilliant.

Alice, poop, poop.

Hang on.

I see it.

I see it.

That's the arrogant toad.

And that is what we call you behind your back.

And now I know why.

1996, you would have been like 10?

And you were already nominated.

Did you win?

I didn't win.

It was.

I know I was robbed.

I think an old man.

Wait, was this all ages?

Yeah.

Jimmy, he needed an award before he died.

He was a veteran.

And also, somebody was like, who let the 10-year-old enter?

No, it was the Cheshire One Art Festival.

Everyone could enter.

Everyone's welcome famously at the Cheshire One Art Festival.

Absolutely.

So you're used to the stage.

I mean, this is nothing new to you.

Well, I haven't tread the boards in many years, but...

Shut up!

Well, actually, now you mention it, I should also draw on some stage experience.

I don't like to brag, but I was cast because of my portly frame in year five as the butcher in Oliver.

Oh, my God.

Do you have to say anything?

I've seen more meat on a lamb chop, Mr.

Bamble.

Oh that's very good.

Thank you.

Did you have a song?

No, no, just that was it and then I scuttled off.

Oh no, actually now you mention it.

I did join in in the chorus of Consider Yourself but I didn't realise the second time you sang it you only sang it once.

So I went come

and nobody else sang along.

It was awful.

I was the butler in Joseph and his technical dream coat.

The butler?

There is no butler.

There is a butler

in Goko Joseph.

So you like play servants?

Honest, honest folk, and you are the

master of the manor.

When I was a kid, we used to, my mum just used to take us to all the party places for holidays.

I'd be like 12 and we'd be in like Iron Apple.

Magalov.

Magalov.

Cavos, we went to Cavos.

It's cute.

It's a shito.

Is it horrible?

And especially when you're 12, you're like, what do I do here?

Everyone is naked and kissing each other mummy why did those two men hug for so long why are those people hugging on the beach and shaking shaking

is that where you learned some of your tricks of the trade no famously not i was a fat kid and also i was a kid

mainly the first one

Well, I've never trained in the dramatic arts.

James, you have, I imagine.

When I was a kid, I did do free Saturday morning drama near my house.

Actually, I did something similar, like just in the Methodist church.

I mean, it wasn't Methodist acting, it just happened to be in the Methodist church.

Wasn't very good.

I just giggled a lot.

I obviously grew up in the theatre.

Yeah, we know, we know, we know, we know.

I've gone most of my youth backstage at the theatre, the club theatre in Aucklingham.

Not most of his youth onstage, most of his youth backstage.

Doesn't tell you everything you need to know.

Swilling and vodkatonic backstage.

Lingering around.

Cigar in hand, year four.

Why were you backstage at the theatre?

I used to hang out at the theatre because all my mates were that.

You didn't just hang out at the theatre.

Me and my sister, we did and our friends.

What do you mean all your mates were there?

At the weekend?

What do you mean?

What, all of your 40-year-old actor mates?

Hi, mum.

Can my friend come over for dinner?

Yeah, sure, darling.

Who is it?

It's 50-year-old Michael Smith.

Oh, my God.

That was a very camp old man called Mike.

Oh, my God.

He used to walk with a cane.

I don't know whether it was for a prop or he actually had a limp, but he really made that cane.

Work for him.

Yeah.

What?

And you'd just hang out, the two of you.

No, no, no, no.

He was in the club theatre but we would go so there was a there was like a saturday school so confused

why were all your childhood friends 50 year old men they weren't a lot of my friends were were just kids that were my age yeah but then there was an upper tier of um but why are we all hanging out backstage at the theatre that's what i don't understand you can't just wander around no you can that was what was great about it and we would just we'd write plays and we'd write plays what are you talking about

we'd write plays when you know that i was toad of Toad Hall.

We've talked about that.

You were in a play where you were Toad of Toad Hall.

We've heard that till the cows come home.

But I'm with James.

Very unusual behaviour to just be wandering around aimlessly backstage.

Wandering around aimlessly.

I was hanging out.

Seven years off writing plays backstage with 50-year-old Michael Smith on his cane.

Me and Mike, what world were you living in?

We weren't friends, Mike and I.

We weren't not friends, but, you know, it would have been weird to hang out.

Did you invite Widow Twanky to your birthday party when you were eight

it was actually really fun defensive quite defensive about mike isn't it about big mike about uncle mike mike

how is mike getting so much back in air time who's mike i think we've really done a name i haven't heard in many of you

um oh wow we had vicki lane she um

she taught us um val harris these are made-up names

but they do sound like old world dram people yeah val harris val harris they were great they were really fun and dad used to pick us up.

But he'd just leave you there.

Yeah, and then we'd like put on plays and mum and dad would come and see us in them and stuff.

Why is he acting so casual?

Yeah, why is he delivering it so straight?

Alice, some people sing in the choir, others bake bread.

I hung out at the club theatre as a child.

This is mind-boggling that we've never heard this before.

That's bizarre.

What a bizarre childhood.

Yeah.

Well, I mean, you know how ridiculously eccentric my parents are.

Is it much of a...

Is it really a surprise?

Everything's starting to piece together.

It's all starting to make a lot of fun.

They were like, you need to go and be creative and you know, express yourself.

I know, but I thought you had a grasp on how batshit that was, but you don't because you're delivering it in such a weird way.

Why, why won't you come back to us?

Octoenate at the club theatre, Alex.

You know that bit in Home Alone 2 where the homeless woman lives in the roof of the theatre?

That's what I'm imagining for Jamie.

He's just like, he's set up shop at the back of the theatre.

Oh, it's funny.

Oh, my God.

Anyway.

This is a whole, honestly, a side of Jamie I've never heard about.

He's way more thespy than he ever let on.

It's weird.

Yeah, it was an interesting time.

Jamie, say something for the moment.

I can't wait to read his memoirs, honestly.

They're going to be.

We know a fraction of his life.

You know, when they say we know 1% of the things that live under the sea, I feel like we know

the tip of the iceberg about this man.

Yeah, what makes him tick?

Why is he so good at accents?

Exactly.

I'm not.

I'm terrible as everyone tells me on Twitter every day.

Well, we know who to blame.

Val Harris.

There you go.

R.I.P.

Oh, is she, is she left us?

I'm assuming so.

I'm assuming.

She's pretty old.

She's pretty old when they were friends.

He's been to so many funerals.

Oh, my God.

Honestly, you shouldn't have to lose so many friends.

What's the curse of being a seven-year-old with 80-year-old pals?

Anyway.

Was your first girlfriend, 60?

Veronica Lane.

She was a beauty.

She left me her entire fortune.

Oh my God.

Okay.

Oh, my God.

Why has he had just a whole other

likes?

Oh my God.

One of my friends from the club theater came to my 30th birthday, actually.

You might have met him, Patrick.

He was the chap in the corner in the wheelchair.

He was the fellow doing the Charleston.

He was in an iron leg.

He had some wonderful stories about the war.

I hope you managed to catch up with him.

It's our age.

Oh my god.

Too fucking funny.

Mal

Harris.

Jamie Morton, you have lived a life and so have your friends

have you ever had a pen pal yeah i did actually did you on a few occasions it's so weird

wrote to imaginary friend well i was really sad to um

i was really sad she's going red this is going to be

your

finally alice's childhood was sunny yeah finally geez i was particularly sad

Okay, you were sad, we get it.

To leave one teacher's class at primary school.

Oh, and so I wrote to her for a bit.

Back and forth, or you'd just send them letters and they wouldn't reply.

No, she would reply.

She replied.

Oh my god, I honestly don't know what to say.

That she wrote them or that she replied.

Quite long letters as well.

Same for all.

Were you just in the next class?

I think.

Do you like to see each other at lunch still in the building?

Wait for the letter.

I caught your reflection through the window today.

I miss you ever so, darling.

It would have love letters.

Great assembly the other day.

I loved it.

Oh, see, see.

Where did you get that skirt?

I'd love one myself.

I love how high-waisted it is.

Yeah, she was a much, obviously, much, much older woman.

How old?

She was very old.

Oh, so she wasn't like one of those young teachers that you had a kinship with.

It was a very strange, it was a very strange time in my life.

But yeah, we went back and forth a bit.

And then I think it, you know, naturally people.

Fizzled out.

Yeah, it it was a fizzled out.

Then she just stopped responding.

What would you write to her?

What would you be saying?

That's what was going on with us, you know, just going on in our lives.

And it ended what when you graduated university, or actually, I'm due to write back.

Um,

and then now I say it out loud: if my kid was writing letters to their teacher, I actually think, like, because now, yeah, it would be considered weird, but I think it's quite sweet.

It is quite sweet, I suppose.

But, like, I also.

Oh, God, how many she got?

I had quite a few.

The Alice Pen Pal episode, everyone.

Quite a few.

I won't go into them all because I don't want to betray any confidences, but

they were all much older.

Elderly.

Much older.

Much older.

And you had the cheek to mock my club theatre friends.

Okay, but you literally were writing to old people.

And

I at least knew these people.

I could just imagine her like letterbombing old people's homes and things, just hoping someone would.

You know, you had to send those parcels of tins on Harvest Festival.

Alice just slipped in loads of notes for all the residents.

I had a pen pal as well, someone my age.

Okay.

My year five teacher was a bit weird.

Like, we'd go around to his house to use the computer and stuff like that.

It was all a bit.

What?

Yeah.

He was lovely.

Nothing dodgy, but it was all a bit like stuff you wouldn't do now.

But he was a Maverick.

He'd like...

I was a ball boy at a test match between England and India because of him.

He was a big cricket fan, so I was a ball boy at that.

Wow.

And what else do you do?

He used to have music lessons with us.

I know all the back catalogue of Sting in the Police because of him.

He'd like play us a Sting song.

Sorry.

He'd play us like Message in in Bolt.

I'm learning so much about you both.

It's hard to compute.

He'd play us like Message in a Bottle and have us like analyze it.

He's like, What do you think this is about?

And I'm like, Message in a Bottle, I guess.

Simply title.

Do we need to listen to this?

Dave's always been very literal.

Yeah.

Anyway, so one thing, one of the things he did was he partnered with a school in West Yorkshire, Hebden Bridge, actually.

Oh, yeah, I know it.

And we'd all have a pen pal in that class.

Very sweet.

I forget the name of mine, but we then went to West Belgium.

Such a bond.

We then went to Hebden Bridge for a week.

For a week?

To live with our pen pals.

Oh my god.

What in year five?

Yeah, but the funniest thing is, so we went, it was almost like a cultural exchange with Yorkshire.

I mean, we're in these Midlands, like

aren't we teaching them?

So we had to prepare for performances to like show each other when we got there.

Yeah.

But we he had us learn Westside's story.

Oh, wow.

Not really your culture, to be fair.

If anything, cultural appropriation.

Yeah, completely a cultural appropriation.

So yeah, I was the lead dancer.

Obviously.

I had to learn the dance off the videotape for America.

Do you know that one?

It's quite quite upbeat and jazzy.

And another track called G Officer Krupke.

Yeah.

This is so special.

And we would learn the dances

off the video, and then we performed them in front of the class in West Yorkshire.

So were you Tony?

I was the lead in both.

I was the lead dancer.

And America is.

Well, I think they're the two different sides, both those songs.

I was the Puerto Rican side.

Well, you were for America, but you were also very much the American side for GF Officer Crockby.

It's very belletic and very...

You know, the people in the film are amazing guys.

Jerome Robbins, he was no slouch.

So the Nottingham people were doing Westside Story.

Yes.

And what were the

people doing?

Oh, I forget.

I forget.

I think they probably just read a poem.

Boring.

They did like a long balance routine.

Have you ever got through security though with something a bit dodgy?

Like, have you ever got through and you're like, oh my god, I've got this like pin.

pin.

Why have you got a pin?

I don't know.

But like, have you ever got through with something where you're like, probably shouldn't be able to have this on a plane?

I once went through security with a cake fork in my bag.

Okay, why did you have a cake?

I don't know.

I was really literally.

Oh, let me guess from your time being a professional patisserie chef at the age of five.

You and Val.

I think I was just eating all the cake, to be honest with you.

But no, yeah, they're really mean to you.

No, sorry, why did you have a cake fork?

I don't know.

It was just, it was in my my bag.

I think.

What is it that's left over?

What is a cake fork?

You know, a cake, but very, very long prongs.

Like, quite a lethal piece of cake.

I'm just being so chill again.

And did you insist upon a cake fork anytime you eat a cake?

Well, I'd love to eat this red velvet cake, but I can't see a cake fork anywhere.

I'll have to leave it.

It'll go stale.

Mummy!

Mummy!

I know we're going on the big trip, but don't forget to pack my cake fork.

I bloody hell, I've got a cake fork in my bag.

What about a lie?

You two are horrible people.

Oh my god, cake fork.

Honest to God.

Every time you learn something like that about him, does it just make you question why we've been friends so long?

I just imagine him when he was a kid, just this little Lord Fonteneroy.

That's so not true.

That wasn't what it was.

Precious little deer.

I feel like he didn't walk.

He trotted around

with his fucking nose in the air,

holding his cake fork, writing plains,

calling his mum mother

or mummy.

I was incredibly bullied, actually, but uh, you amazed me.

So mean.

After a day.

After a day.

So my mum called me in the summer and she was like, get all.

She basically wants me out of her house completely.

She wants any memories out of the house.

Oh, my God.

She's changed.

Yeah, you used to be the absolute golden child.

Oh, that's long gone.

So she was like, yeah, there's loads of crap in the loft of yours.

Come and clear it out.

I want it out.

But I found something that is so lol, I thought I had to share it with you.

Oh.

Right, a bit of context.

Do you remember on like a really random footnotes ages ago, I talked that I did drug abuse resistant education at school, Dare.

Oh, yes, yes.

Yeah, didn't you like write a song or something?

I wrote a song.

A rap.

I found the lyrics.

Oh my god.

Oh, brilliant.

Okay.

Merry Christmas, everyone.

I've found the lyrics.

Let me get them out.

Oh, wow.

It's typed.

It's simply called Dare Song.

I'm just going to read it to you bit by bit.

Maybe we can do the same format as I, I don't know, my dad wrote up porno, where I read a bit, bit, you give me your thoughts.

Are you going to do it to the rhythm?

I think you should do it as a performance piece, really.

I don't know what the rhythm was, but I'll give it a try.

Just go for it.

Oh, sorry, just for context.

What was the brief for the song?

There wasn't a brief.

No one asked me to do this.

But this is a

drugs.

This is about drugs.

At school.

At school.

No one asked me to do this.

Story of James's life.

Okay.

For 17 weeks, we've been learning about drugs.

17 weeks?

That classic period of time.

For 17 weeks we've been learning about drugs and what they can do to you.

Assertiveness alternatives and drug abuse too are all in the lessons by the Dare Crew.

What an unusual rhythm.

It's not iambic pentameter, is it?

Drug abuse, resistance education, cannabis speed and the smoking population.

Hang on, smoking population.

Are they drug users now?

Yeah, drug users aren't drug users.

No, they did always say that was a gateway, didn't they?

Oh, it's a gateway drug, of course.

Yeah, tobacco is a gateway drug.

So, cannabis speed and the smoking population do not know what's right, but do know what's wrong.

And that is the reason we're wrapping this song.

You don't wrap a song, do you?

There's no weir.

It's you on your own.

Who's the weir?

Like, I could rope any other.

So, did the curtains part and then the gospel choir come out?

Like, exactly, right?

I'll see you.

We've come to tell you one and all one little important thing.

So, that's the verse, and this is the chorus.

Okay.

That drugs are wrong and drugs are right.

It's a very persuasive message.

So wait 17 weeks and you still don't know.

Dare cannot endorse this message, I'm afraid.

Some people take them to sleep at night.

So like, I think I meant like a night nurse or something like that.

Why are you putting that caveat in?

Why do you need to clarify that?

I don't know.

Some people take them to cure their sickness and some people take them for the heck of it.

This is the chorus.

The little fuckers.

Sorry, we're just losing the rhythm of the...

So just read this chorus bit again, sorry.

Because it's an anthem, so think big.

You're in a stadium.

So we should all join in.

That drugs are wrong and drugs are right.

Some people take them to sleep at night.

Some people take them to cure their sickness.

And some people take them for the heck of it.

We're wrapping this song.

It won't take long.

And it's already taken.

It's taking fast too long.

It's taken 17 weeks, it feels like.

But we have a question.

Are drugs right or wrong?

I feel like I answered that at the start of the chorus.

Well, no, what's it wrong and right?

I think this is my favourite song in the world.

And then it just says, I just want you to to know one little important thing, and then we go back to the chorus.

That drugs are wrong and drugs are right.

Some people take the sleep at night.

I want you to know one little thing.

Drugs are wrong, drugs are right.

You aren't telling us anything.

Why are you still on the fence?

And then it's chorus twice.

Wow, it's powerful.

It's powerful.

It's like Stan, isn't it?

By me.

It's one of those songs that's going to.

James, that was absolutely incredible.

Thank you.

Absolute nonsense.

So, can I just say, I was 10 when I wrote that?

Sure.

Okay, 10.

That is the work of a 10-year-old.

I know what you're thinking.

That's a professional.

He's 10, so he's got two years of Santa left when he wrote that.

Just to really put it in context, God.

What I would say is that you have a lot of cheek mocking my dad.

I mean, he was 10, Jamie, but you're dust.

Probably nearly 70.

60, 10, yeah.

I did a

um

what was it called?

Um an NVQ, is that?

You've done it.

Oh, here we go.

What?

So, Jamie, why do you wait until the start of the podcast to reveal all this weird s- What have you done an MVQ in?

This year, you've been doing it.

No, no, no.

This is when I was a kid.

When you were a kid, you did an MVQ.

Just for the international listeners, it's basically a degree.

Is it?

No, I used a baccalaureate when I was four doing life drawing.

You did an NVQ in life drawing when you were a kid.

What?

It was in, I think it was in year 10 or 11.

And we used to go to the next town along from my school.

It was kind of like a night class.

I can't look at it.

And it was night class.

Why are we at school at night?

It was like a

life extra.

When he was in year 10, so or 11, so he was doing his GCSEs, but decided to opt into night school.

It was one day a week.

I did it with some friends.

It was fun, but we had to draw.

How old were the friends?

Well, the woman that we had to draw was called Samantha, I remember,

American.

And what was great about it, which is why I mentioned it,

was

that you all were in a circle around Samantha to everyone's

But she was great, and she just used to strip off, and then

we would draw her.

But my point being, so when you do it on Zoom, everyone's got the same perspective of your model, so you're all in competition.

Whereas the good thing when I did my MVQ was that

your art was never directly compared to each other's because you all had a slightly different view of it.

That is the beauty of an MVQ, isn't it?

What a fucking roundabout way to tell us he has an MVQ in Life Droid.

This is where he tells us that he left school at nine.

Yeah, honestly.

Jamie, get it out of your system now before we start.

I haven't even started reading the bloody book.

I'm so sorry.

I've derailed it twice with Hot Crumbly and an MBQ.

I never thought, I never thought, a hidden qualification that he didn't

like drawing.

I mean, he's just gonna surprise him.

I think it was by a salt museum, if I remember.

Shut up.

Shut your goddamn mouth.

I've had quite enough of you.

He's trolling us.

If you're not reading the book, I don't want to see that mouth flapping, all right?

Deal.

Okay,

that's it.

When did I sign up to be part of a podcast that's basically Jamie's autobiography?

Where we get a new slice of his life every week.

Why did he opt in?

15.

15 years old.

You're interested in girls.

You want to go out?

You want to get drunk legally?

Jamie opts in for a night class.

Can I just say, it was one night a week.

It was a school night.

I mean, I don't disapprove of anybody bettering themselves, learning a new skill, apart from Jamie.

And

that is my own calendar.

I thought that you would be an ally in this, Alice.

You also introduced me to the ball.

It's the lies.

It's the lies, I can't tell you.

Well, it's not even lies, is it?

It's just, it's more...

How is it lies?

Lines of omission.

Deceptions and withholdings.

Exactly.

It's just a wealth of sin of omission, you feel.

It just never came up.

Who are you?

You know why he's so good at all the voices, don't you?

He's a spy.

I think he is.

I don't think he's our friend at all.

So if you've made it this far, congratulations.

Snap.

And as a little reward, we've got a little unheard gem from the archives.

An uncut jarm.

An uncut uncut jar.

An uncut jar.

Yeah, enjoy.

Have I ever told you my mugging story?

No, I don't think so.

Is this going to be scary?

Was it recent?

Terrifying.

No, I was like 13.

Oh, God.

Yeah.

Could you play some like violin music?

No.

I had a paper round.

I posted the free paper in Nottingham.

The Nottingham shout out to the Nottingham Topper.

I don't know if it still exists.

Nottingham Topper.

Nottingham Topper.

How appropriate for you.

Oh, rude.

Yeah, basically, a weekly free newspaper.

I had a paper out.

I had to deliver to 150 houses in the local area.

250?

150.

Oh, 155.

Yeah, it took me about two hours.

You also had to put that, you get more money if you put the leaflets in the papers.

Did you ever dump him?

I did, actually, yeah.

I think you can say it now, statute of limitations on that.

Didn't even move when he said that.

Is this recording?

Yes, I did.

I'm so glad I'm wearing a wire.

We've got him.

So, yeah, I was doing it one day.

And I just hear behind me, oi!

Oh, God.

Obviously, ignored it because an oi's never, you're not going to look behind and be like, do do you want this teddy?

It's never good, is it?

No, it's never good.

Do you want this teddy?

If you look behind you, they're never going to be offering you something nice.

What?

Because you want a teddy.

What?

It's never good.

It's one of the biggest dreams in the world, like a new teddy.

What I mean is, someone's showering oi at you.

It's never going to be good.

It's going to be a teddy.

All right.

He was 13 and that's what he was dreaming of.

He's like, maybe it's that beautiful bear.

I think about every night before I close my eyes.

Could it be?

Winnie the Pooh?

Is that you?

Do you want a cookie?

So I think we've established it wasn't a teddy.

Surely it was just someone who's like, will you stop fly-tipping my house?

No, but regardless, what I mean is, like, if someone shouts oi at you, you don't look back.

You don't.

You get that Nottingham topper through the letterbox and you move on.

Oh, I'd have dumped those toppers.

What, and just ran?

Yes.

Yeah, but then you'd have never known if it was a teddy.

Alice, I don't have that kind of look.

You just spent your life thinking, what if?

Boy, you can dream.

So they always get closer.

Oh, God.

Turn around and this guy's like, give me 50p for cigarettes or that Walkman.

Because I had a Walkman on.

Oh.

50p or my Walkman?

Like, that's not a pivotal of value.

They don't negotiate like that, do they?

I presume.

I mean, I haven't been mugged, but.

Well, obviously, Alice, I'm on my pay perhaps.

I'm not carrying change.

No.

All I've got is this Walkman.

He only travels with plastic.

Also, like, you had to use to pay 50p for one cigarette.

Do you remember that?

This is old money, though.

So 50p.

It's old money.

I'm not that old.

50p now is 10,000 pounds.

Like, give me thruppence.

But you used to charge 50p for a cigarette.

What do you mean?

So if you wanted to bum a cigarette,

bum a cigarette.

You would have, it would,

the going rate was 50p.

That's mad.

That feels so arbitrary, though.

Like, that was, that's not like the street rate.

Someone could just charge you whatever they want for one cigarette.

No, no, but there was a there was an etiquette thing, I think.

It was like, if you have a packet of cigarettes and someone wants one, they'll be like, I'll give you 50p for it.

But he was mugging, James, to be fair.

Sure, sure, sure.

So there was no etiquette involved, I I don't think.

No, there was no etiquette.

And I was like, but you have to respect that he was only stealing from you what the going rate was of having to be.

Exactly.

Okay, for whatever.

He wasn't fleecing you as well.

He's mugging you.

That's the point.

So, in many ways, we're on his side.

I just wanted one cigarette, man.

So he, as he was confronting me, he was on the pavement and I was on someone's drive, having just inserted the topper through their slot.

So to speak.

Stop saying you inserted the topper.

And I was like, well, I'm not going to give him a Walkman.

It was a good Walkman.

Yeah.

Tape or CD?

It was a tape.

Which I always found found were easier to cycle with when I did my paper round.

Yeah.

Because, you know, CDs just jumped.

C D's were jumping all the time on Walkman.

So I'm like, okay, well, I'm not going to go out on the pavement because then I'll be like confronting him.

So I cross the front garden into the next front garden.

I start to cry.

Oh, James Cooper.

Sweet little James Cooper.

All you need is a little cuddle of your teddy, wasn't it?

I'm like, leave me alone, leave me alone.

And I think I get so...

wound up and cryy that he he flees.

Oh, he's over because of toxic masculinity, he's overwhelmed by the emotion.

Yeah, he's like, this guy's like too much, even too much for me, and just like runs off and leaves me.

And that's kind of the end of the story.

And was it a negotiation tactic?

Well, it was all I had, Al.

I mean, like, I always think, like, if you're ever confronted with a situation, the crazy you act, the more likely you're kind of to get out of it.

I had a very similar thing happen to me once.

Oh, my God.

Admittedly, much, much older.

I was quite drunk in Brixton, actually.

And I was leaving a club and I'd like had a bit of a rough night.

I think I'd had a row with a mate or whatever.

And I was like storming through, you know, the bit outside the Ritzy.

I do.

Yeah.

And

this drug dealer was like, mate, do you want some gear weapon?

And I was like, drugs.

And I just give you for a single.

They're all the same.

And I just turned around to him and I was like, no, I fucking don't, you fucking prick.

Whoa.

And then kind of.

He's just a vendor.

Right.

And then immediately realized who the hell I'd said that to.

And he wasn't the king drug dealer.

He was a king thing.

And I...

Does Jamie think he's like a Guy Richie movie?

No, it's so unlike me.

I know.

But I literally, he was like, what the fuck did you say to me?

And honestly, I crumbled.

He cried about you, James.

And I just started to cry.

I was so drunk, highly emotional.

I was like, I'm really sorry.

I was like, I'm wrong, mate.

And he just takes me, gives me the biggest hug.

Gives me the biggest teddy.

James, he was the teddy.

He was the teddy I was looking for.

I just didn't know it.

He did not have it.

He gave me the biggest hug.

Like, I was like sobbing sobbing into his t-shirt his t-shirt was soaking wet and he was like look do you want some weed and i was like yeah and then

no you didn't take it did you jamie you said no thank you oh yeah no and i said no that's fine i've had a lovely evening uh and we went on my way so i can understand it actually it does help in those moments and then it like humanizes people or just scares them off well just i think you you showing vulnerability is a good thing so if you're ever confronted again we maybe take an onion out with you and just like rub it under your eyes and you're gonna be safe forever and you know who that man was the young boy that mugged jay oh my god oh my god can't you imagine who you it keeps happening to me he learned his lesson and he comforted me did he did he try and run after you like how did it end no no no i i think i was just like embarrassing him so he just kind of walked off in the wow kept the walkman oh we did take the walkman no i kept my walkman it's a success story so i thought that was going to just be a funny story but actually a genuinely useful one so pop a little onion in your back pocket

and next time you vote you'll be safe i think it's just a sign that don't don't be afraid afraid to show your vulnerability.

I think that is the lesson of that story.

Although, to be fair, vulnerability is what got you in that situation in the first place.

Yeah.

I mean, I kind of don't know why we didn't include it now.

It must have been a length thing.

I don't know.

Was that just sat on a timeline somewhere that you...

Yeah, so in each episode, I would edit stuff.

And then if I wasn't sure about something, I'd put it at the end of the timeline.

And if there was space at the end, I'd be like, okay, it's not your TED talk.

Yeah, that's what each thing.

You're on Steve Lee Spielberg.

Tell me a schoolmaker, story.

Yes, that was fun.

That was good.

We should do more of these.

So fun.

We'll be back in four whole weeks for another one of these.

And it'll be a different theme.

It will be a different theme.

I'm thinking James's Best Bits.

Well, I mean, that's basically what the show is as it stands.

Thank you.

James's tropical bird laugh on a loop for half an hour.

Rude.

Jamie's boring stories about how he edits the podcast.

Oh, okay.

I think we need to go.

If you have some favourite bits of the podcast that you think we should include, please do get in touch with us.

Normanplaces, my dadrotaporno at gmail.com.

My dad wrote on Instagram at dad wrote a porno on Twitter slash X.

Are we on?

Threads, James.

No.

Should I get us on threads?

I should get on threads.

Should I do us a TikTok?

Oh, for God's sake, do us a TikTok.

Okay, I'll try and figure out TikTok in the past.

We've said it now.

And yes, thanks so much for listening and see you next month.