Rocky Flintstone Revealed

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Speaker 6 The following podcast contains adult themes, sexual content, and strong language. Basically, all the good stuff.

Speaker 6 Hello, and welcome to the last ever episode of My Dad Wrote A Porno. Guys, we've made it.

Speaker 8 That will never not sound weird.

Speaker 6 I I know, but you know, we're fine with it, it's great, and we couldn't be luckier today because we do have a guest with us. We couldn't not, really.

Speaker 8 We couldn't end the series without this exclusive.

Speaker 6 Yeah, I can't believe he's here.

Speaker 6 I'm not looking at him, he's just right there. Um, and he obviously requires no introduction.
However, I have prepared a little something

Speaker 6 just to fluff him up a bit. He deserves the headline, he does, he does.

Speaker 6 Um, yeah, we are so so it's it's actually an honor for me to introduce to the mic for the first time ever, the Banksy of pornography himself, the brilliantly bonkers, genius that is Rocky Flintstone.

Speaker 6 Hi, Dad.

Speaker 6 Hi, guys.

Speaker 6 This is a world exclusive. This is your first interview ever on Mike.
Correct. Wow.

Speaker 8 I'm personally very excited to have you here.

Speaker 6 I'm just going to say, we should have had him on sooner. Yeah, I'm so, so glad that we're finally doing this.

Speaker 6 It feels like a full circle moment. Yeah, well, when Jamie said that we were going to read your books on a podcast, what was your reaction? What's a podcast? Yeah.
That was the first question.

Speaker 6 Because they were so new, right? Well, we never thought it would have the success of being probably the biggest podcast in the world. But

Speaker 6 mic drop.

Speaker 6 But no, happy. Fine.
Use it. You know, let's get on with it.
And you've never minded our constant. We like to say critique.
Yeah.

Speaker 6 Some people would be saying ripping to shreds taking the piss you've never minded any of that no because my turn will come oh

Speaker 6 hang on what you're gonna do a podcast where you critique our critiques it's a damn good idea

Speaker 6 somebody's got to do it I tell you because you miss so many lovely little golden eggs you call them

Speaker 6 do we oh god it's unbelievable how much you miss and actually the punters the fans do get it yeah because they're listening to this maybe 10 times now which is wonderful I mean, I listened to it once, and that's enough for me.

Speaker 6 Put it on the poster. We've got to quote.

Speaker 8 Can we go way back to the beginning and just ask a question, which is a question that we started the very first episode with, I think, which is why?

Speaker 6 Why?

Speaker 6 Basically, I'd moved to this lovely place just outside London. And we'd finished renovating the property, which hadn't been renovated for 90 years.

Speaker 6 And after the pavilion was built, I sat down and started writing this. Belinda blinked.

Speaker 8 You're inspired.

Speaker 6 Oh, yes. Well, I had nothing else to do, you see.
I needed something to start doing. But why porn?

Speaker 6 Well, why not, James? But there is a story to that, and you could answer me in a second.

Speaker 6 No, we were driving one day, and of course, as you all know, Wilma and I have written 62 books before this, like How to Buy a House in Brazil, How to Survive the Brazilian World Cup

Speaker 6 back in 1916, I think. No, 2016, sorry.

Speaker 6 During the war. Yes, and buying a house in Ireland, all these little travel books.
And of course, they were selling absolutely zero.

Speaker 6 So as we were in the car going somewhere, Wilma says to me, book sales are terrible. And I said, well, Wilma, as you know, the only thing that sells these days is sex.

Speaker 6 And Wilma says to me, yeah, I can't write it. And I said, yes, I can.
And I did. I see.
So actually, Wilma was the inspiration for you to write porn. Correct.
Wow. That is a revelation.

Speaker 6 Yeah, but I don't think she actually thought you'd genuinely write porn, Dad. No.

Speaker 8 We've always been a little bit worried about Wilmer because I know in the early days when we first started doing the podcast, she wasn't overly keen.

Speaker 6 She didn't know where it was going to lead to. No, do you think she's okay now? No.

Speaker 8 She makes out like she is when I see her.

Speaker 6 She's a very good actress. Right, okay.

Speaker 8 A lot of people ask why you shared it with Jamie Jamie and not with your daughters.

Speaker 6 Because Jamie's a male, he can stand this rigorous entertainment.

Speaker 8 Is that really why?

Speaker 6 Absolutely. This is not for the faint-hearted.
This stuff, you know. Oh, you knew that when you were sending it to him, that this was raunchy stuff.
I am the biggest wind-up merchant in the world.

Speaker 6 Well, the Irish world.

Speaker 6 And I sent it to him

Speaker 6 to see: A, would he read it? Because he doesn't read anything I send him. Right.
B, which is true, isn't it?

Speaker 6 Not anymore. I read everything now.

Speaker 6 Meticulously.

Speaker 6 I'm a lawyer on speed tile. B, would he get past the first page? Because Blinda blinked.
It wasn't a dream. Someone had just asked her to remove her blouse.
It sort of attracts your attention.

Speaker 6 You think, well, I've got to read the next sentence.

Speaker 8 So you might say you were writing those words with Jamie in mind.

Speaker 8 And then did you get really into it?

Speaker 8 Did you think, I've just got a natural flair for this?

Speaker 6 I have no natural flair for this.

Speaker 6 I can put fireplaces.

Speaker 8 I would agree, but I just wonder what you thought.

Speaker 6 I can put fireplaces onto walls. That's a flair.
I can do that. But not writing.
No, I'm rubbish.

Speaker 6 Well, at least he admits it. I don't think you are, though, because actually, having been able to take a step back, Belinda blinked.
It wasn't a dream.

Speaker 6 The job interviewer had just asked her to, like, that's actually a really good opening to a book. Yeah.
And people have said that. Yeah.
Oh, very compelling. Kept us reading for eight years.

Speaker 6 Well, when we visited the,

Speaker 6 you guys played the

Speaker 6 New York City Radio Music Hall.

Speaker 8 venue those those words in a different order yeah yeah

Speaker 6 i mean i was lucky to get even that one i

Speaker 6 I thought I got the right city.

Speaker 6 They sent us around this big book because we were in the dressing rooms, and this big book was full of all the people who'd played there over this past three years.

Speaker 8 It was a guest book, wasn't it?

Speaker 6 It was a kind of like visitor's book. And they wanted us to each put in a sentence of what we wanted to say.

Speaker 6 And the one I put in was Belinda Blinked Wasn't a Dream. She just arrived at the Radio City Music Hall Playhouse.

Speaker 6 We just have a whole episode where

Speaker 6 he tries to say the name of Radio City Music Hall.

Speaker 6 Playhouse.

Speaker 6 That was good, wasn't it? Yeah, you were like, but then it wasn't a dream. We just played Radio City.
Yeah.

Speaker 6 That was a good quote.

Speaker 8 It was a kind of rocky remix, wasn't it?

Speaker 6 And I did sign it rocky and give it two kisses. Of course.
I mean, Dad, there's nothing that you haven't signed.

Speaker 6 I mean, if you can find something in the world that Dad hasn't signed, it's worth a fortune.

Speaker 6 He does love giving out those business cards. He really does.
He really does.

Speaker 6 And so, like, obviously, you started writing, you got into the writing and also like you just retired so you're kind of bored as well i'd imagine yes that's correct yeah and it's a good thing to do though of course nobody ever retires really and aren't you the living proof of that dad because the day you retire is the day you die you understand that oh 100 you must never stop doing your thing because that's the thing like i think what is really great about you and your kind of story is that you were a builder you had many jobs actually throughout your life you were in sales back in the 80s you know you've done a lot of things and maybe would i say is it fair to say that your most successful work has come later in life?

Speaker 6 I've matured like a good cheese. Absolutely.
And like, it's a good thing to say, never give up, right? Never count yourself out. Book 65 was Blinda Blinked.

Speaker 8 I don't understand what that means.

Speaker 6 We've written 62, 64 books previously, and none of them were doing anything great. I mean, we were selling three or four

Speaker 6 a year.

Speaker 6 But once Blinda Blink came along and then you guys got the podcast, we started to sell eight a week. It was really big.
It's not eight a week. I'm dizzy.
It's big stuff.

Speaker 2 It really is big stuff.

Speaker 6 I tell you, the

Speaker 6 money coming in from Amazon is really good stuff. Eight a week.
I can take Wilmot for a meal once a year. Wow.

Speaker 6 But that's what's nice about this whole kind of thing is that you've been able to spoil mum and like take her. Like you bought the car, named it Belinda.

Speaker 8 Was the blue number called Belinda?

Speaker 6 I hadn't appreciated that. I do love that mum's been riding Belinda for the past eight years.
It's kind of fitting. How's she served you, old Belinda? Oh, brilliantly.
Very, very good.

Speaker 6 You've been all over world with her. I've been flat tires, that's the only point.
We've been down to spend four times in her.

Speaker 8 Flat tires, I mean, I just immediately think of that from the books. I just always think of that scene

Speaker 6 out in the road. That's right.
That's where it came from. Oh, really? Oh, yeah.
Everything's related in Belinda Blinked. Apart from the sexual activity.
I was going to say, not everything, please.

Speaker 6 Hang on. So it's autobiographical.

Speaker 6 Some of it. I'm 60 plus now, and all my life has been put into these books in some way or another.
Give us another example. I'm trying to think of something else.

Speaker 6 When Jim Sterling meets Belinda in his hotel in the USA, next to his offices,

Speaker 6 and he shows her his monster dick, and she sucks it. She has to flosh her teeth afterwards.
Which happened to me many times. Which bit?

Speaker 6 Her teeth. To get rid of the flaky skin.
I'm sorry, what? You've had to flosh your teeth to get rid of flaky skin. Many times.

Speaker 6 From eating meat. Hey,

Speaker 6 fish.

Speaker 6 Chicken.

Speaker 8 But not the same scenario as is written in the book.

Speaker 6 No, no, give it a little bit of lateral tolerance. Hang on.
That's the first example you give us of how it relates to your life. I also have just...
It's been eight years.

Speaker 6 Turns out reading it and actually looking at my father and hearing him say, suck, suck dick,

Speaker 6 is actually one of the most disgust. I'm so glad we're ending this.
I think, no, I think we've got a new podcast. My dad reads a porno to me.
His own porno to me.

Speaker 6 I chose that example because all the fans, when they do a poll or whatever, Reddit, Twitter, that's the scene they all hate the most. Why? Because it's so gross.

Speaker 6 Flossing of the teeth to get the flaky skin out of it. So you're all over the Reddits and the Twitches.

Speaker 6 I watch everything. I'm watching you all.

Speaker 8 If you've ever listened to the show, Rocky has your details and he's watching you.

Speaker 6 He sounds like Liam Neeson, doesn't he? He's like, I have a particular set of skills and I'm watching you at every turn.

Speaker 6 Well, let's go more into your writing process. So when you're planning the books, because obviously there's a lot of thought goes into them.
Huge amount. I mean, minutes of work.

Speaker 6 James, my writing style is I sit down and write. I don't fuck about.

Speaker 6 Right.

Speaker 8 But it keeps the fucking for the pages.

Speaker 6 Correct.

Speaker 6 So sorry. So you literally just, as we thought, you literally just sit down and go.

Speaker 6 That lovely girl we met in Los Angeles. Rachel Bloom.
Rachel Bloom. I had a pleasure of speaking to Rachel for 10 minutes.

Speaker 8 Many, many hours, I think, yeah. LA.

Speaker 6 And I said to her, you are the only person who has got my writing talent completely correct. You see, I'm a cipher from or the Norse gods, as I like to put it.
I'm a cipher from God.

Speaker 6 Can you imagine? Can you imagine? And it's like our great friend from Wales, Michael Sheen. Michael Sheen.

Speaker 6 So many name drops. And he said, his grandfather was a preacher.
Right. And as he said, he didn't make any preparation.
He just spoke the Lord's name in one full sweep to all the people. Okay.

Speaker 6 That's how I get my writing. My writing comes from a divine source or perhaps it's an alien source somewhere else.

Speaker 6 So God is telling you to write Belinda Blink. Not God.
Could it be the devil?

Speaker 8 Could it be the devil?

Speaker 6 Well, as you had that Baptist preacher from the USA on footnotes once, and she said she does great works with Belinda Blinkt and her posterising. Yeah.

Speaker 6 So just to kind of clarify that, so Emma Thompson called you a fucking genius. Yes.
Michael Sheen, your great friend from Wales, he compared you to Shakespeare. Yes.

Speaker 6 Lynn Manuel Miranda said that you had mad libs that could put Tupac to shame.

Speaker 6 But you're saying that Rachel Bloom thinking that you are getting your books from an alien life form, is the most accurate. Correct.
Okay.

Speaker 6 Just clarifying. I tend to agree, actually, at this point.

Speaker 6 Do you go into the pavilion to write? Is it always the pavilion? Have you done it when you're on holiday? Where do you find is your kind of ideal setup to write? I write best in the sun, James. Yes.

Speaker 8 Paint a picture. You're so good with words.
Paint a picture. If we wandered in and saw you writing, what would we see?

Speaker 6 Well, you'd have to avert your eyes because I tend to write with not many clothes on because it's nice and warm. But I tend to write in the afternoons around about two o'clock to four o'clock.

Speaker 6 I can push out about

Speaker 6 1,200 words in two hours.

Speaker 6 Wow.

Speaker 6 That's frantic. Yeah, but the story's coming down the line, I think.

Speaker 8 So in 120 minutes, you can do 1,200 words.

Speaker 6 What's that, like 10 words a minute?

Speaker 8 But with also like just no deleting.

Speaker 6 No, no, no, it's all pretty rough stuff, and I'd have to.

Speaker 8 I agree. Yeah.

Speaker 6 It is editing.

Speaker 6 Well, yes, because because I'm very keen on good spelling and punctuation yeah I love the semicolon it's a fantastic little beast I think you've really single-handedly brought back the semicolon I've started using the semicolon way more in my writing because of dad can I ask actually because I am genuinely intrigued how what is the correct usage of a semicolon

Speaker 6 it's a pause really it's longer than a

Speaker 6 it's not quite as long as a full stop which

Speaker 6 the Americans call periods and also it's a breathing point and then you can continue without okay. So it's a breathing point, yes.
Okay, it's a posh comma, isn't it?

Speaker 8 Yeah, okay, fine. A breathing point is certainly how Rocky uses it.
So if you're taking a breath while you're writing, whilst you take that breath, you'll just pop a little semicolon in.

Speaker 6 Exactly, because I can't stop the flow, so I've got to keep getting the words on. Once I get going, I can't stop

Speaker 6 until that 1200 words is written.

Speaker 8 We used to joke that you did your writing on a typewriter, but you do have a computer, don't you? Oh, yes, yes, yes. So, what computer do you do it on? What do you reckon?

Speaker 6 Cheapest possible.

Speaker 8 Great, okay. That's a good tip for young writers.

Speaker 6 It's an ASUS. No.
ASUS.

Speaker 6 It's an Anus. Something like that.
An Anus computer, yeah.

Speaker 6 And the other one is a Lenovo. Because I have two.
What do you mean the other one? He's got two computers.

Speaker 8 Jeez, you're flashy these days.

Speaker 6 Well, when one breaks down, because I've spilt some Chardonnay on it, you've got to have a standby. This is true.
It's the golden rule. This is the money maker.

Speaker 8 You've got to have your equipment.

Speaker 6 I don't use the brain of the computer. I have an SD card that I slip in.
the brain

Speaker 6 slip in god it's just assuming don't trust the brain never trust the brain when i have to move to the other computer because i split sharden in this one after turn upside down and it drained for two months i took the card out the sd card out and i put it into the other computer and bingo i'm up and running

Speaker 6 i'm writing all this down so at any given time there's a computer in a sack of rice there's one yeah i was gonna say rocky can i film you using your computer in a plastic bag in the freezer that's what you do with isn't that what you do with like mobile phone murder evidence and chewing gum on clothes yeah that's I don't think that's the solution to spilling wine on a keyboard

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Speaker 3 Hi, folks, it's Mark Bittman from the podcast Food with Mark Bittman.

Speaker 3 Whole Foods Market is your holiday headquarters with everything you need, whether you're a guest or hosting the big dinner with show-stopping centerpiece means like bone-in spiral cut ham or bone-in rib roast or even king crab.

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Speaker 6 You've mentioned before about your timeline and how you've actually, because like, you know, we've obviously ribbed you a little bit, but there's been things that have kind of paid off, like the whole special one thing, East Berlin being seeded early.

Speaker 6 So you do have like a rough idea of where these books are going. Is that right? Yes.
Do you want to elaborate on that? No. Okay.

Speaker 6 Listen, I'm not here as a tutorial guide for you three people because I know you all want to take over my place in life and write all these fantastic books like James Junked, Jamie Jibbed and Alice alphabetted.

Speaker 6 They sound great.

Speaker 8 So what you're saying is, you know, some stuff has to go to the grave because otherwise, you know, that's your magic source that you're not going to be.

Speaker 6 A magician doesn't give away his tricks. This is true.
I want to talk a little bit about the business aspect of the books. Yeah.

Speaker 6 Because famously, these books aren't just erotica that's about that's a mere portion of what they are they're also business manuals and that was always something that you kind of wanted to merge together do you feel like you've really lived up to the business aspect in these books i think so i mean um actually belinda i met belinda when i was selling ready mixed concrete in manchester many many many many many years ago and belinda was selling me um

Speaker 6 cleaning materials. No, this girl wasn't called Belinda, but this she's the inspiration? She's one of the inspirations.

Speaker 6 She had long black hair, flowing,

Speaker 6 wore large black leather boots, had fantastic breasts. Okay.

Speaker 6 Great. And she sold me a lot of stuff.
I bet she did. I bet she did.
Because she kept coming back every week for another order, and I would give her an order. Of cleaning products.
Yes. Oh, wow.

Speaker 6 You were the cleanest ready-mixed concrete depot in the whole of the UK.

Speaker 6 So

Speaker 6 why did the world of Belinda end up being pots and pans? Ah, because pots and pans are something that we need to use every single day of our life.

Speaker 6 So it's something that e everybody can get their heads around. Everybody knows what it is.
If I was saying she was selling Titanic

Speaker 6 jet condensers,

Speaker 6 it wouldn't have been relatable. It's true.
Because do you feel like people who listen kind of learn business from the book? Of course they do.

Speaker 6 I do get the odd email that's saying, or if you read the Amazon reviews actually, some of them do say, having read this book, I am now been promoted to managing director.

Speaker 6 Wow. You're changing the world.
You're changing life. That's what it's all about, education.
I want to verify those.

Speaker 6 I wanted to ask you about Jamie's interpretation of some of your characters and some of the voices he's given to you. What do you mean the Duchess?

Speaker 6 Very good.

Speaker 6 It runs in the family.

Speaker 6 What do you think of them? Do you think it's enhanced the books? Are there some you don't agree with? What's your take on the voices? I enjoy them very, very much.

Speaker 6 I think his Irish accent is absolutely crap. Awful.
But never mind. Bella, for example.
Yes, very, very good. I mean, that was Mr.
Middleditch who brought that on initially.

Speaker 6 And that's for the inspiration for the voices I truly feel came from. 100%.

Speaker 6 And it was very good because he did this yakke, yaki, yakke, going down the high street and said, oh, you've lost your back seal shoes. How darn.
I remember it well. It was perfect for Bella.

Speaker 6 Absolutely perfect for Bella. Because Bella is that sort of person.
I mean, Bella is one of my favourite characters, to be honest with you.

Speaker 6 And she's just such a, if I wanted an out, I would go out with Bella.

Speaker 6 oh yeah i agree so much fun by gum you are not going to be into that rock

Speaker 6 on a night out i don't know who drink who under the table well the champagne would be flowing that's for sure because she doesn't drink anything else these days yeah bella's one of my favorite characters as well there was one voice as well that really stood out jamie did a uh german accent for petra yes what did you think of that yeah very good yeah i mean

Speaker 6 the fans love petra i mean for some reason

Speaker 6 which beats me because she's really a nasty little git um they love her they love her they do. They love all the characters.

Speaker 6 You've really created some indelible kind of characters for the world that you hear them for like a sentence and then you just fall in love with it.

Speaker 6 James Spooner, I was really sorry to write James Spooner out of it because you never kill your real goodies and you never kill your real baddies. So Bish will live on forever.

Speaker 6 I mean, he'll probably have a few hot bypasses and all this sort of business. But you don't get rid of your big baddies and your big goodies in novels.
In show business.

Speaker 6 In show business. So it's important that you keep these people on street.

Speaker 8 Where did you learn that pearl of wisdom? How do you know that about killing off your goodies and baddies?

Speaker 6 Oh, you just watch all the big TV screen plays

Speaker 6 and watching Lord of the Rings prequel at the moment. Oh, the Rings of Power.
The Rings of Power. And they should have killed that bloody elf when they had the chance.

Speaker 6 There you go.

Speaker 6 But then we wouldn't have had a story, though, to your point. Exactly the point.

Speaker 6 A bit like James Bond and Blofeld, like Blofeld never died, he always came back, he's always a fine. Oh my god.
And the one thing we know about Blofeld is he doesn't have asthma.

Speaker 6 Right, okay.

Speaker 6 And do you know how we can deduce that? Because he's always stroking bloody cats. Right, so he's not allergic to cats.
And if you have cats, which is different to asthma, basically.

Speaker 6 If you don't shed hair, which means if you're asthmatic, it gives you a problem because the hair is very short. It's lovely.
But okay, you have cats with long hair, and they're better for asthmatic.

Speaker 6 Perhaps Blofeld's going to be a little bit more. We're talking about one thing.
I was going to say,

Speaker 6 ear change, We pulled the handbrake on and we've gone full 180.

Speaker 8 I thought we were somewhere, and the tone of voice suggests that we're still on that topic, but we have taken a very hard left-hand turn.

Speaker 6 But that answers your question, Oz. It doesn't, but

Speaker 8 it certainly was a ride, an absolute ride.

Speaker 6 I also love that we now have the headline, Rocky Slams Rings with Power.

Speaker 6 They should have killed the L.

Speaker 8 Can I ask a really basic question, which is, do you think the books are sexy?

Speaker 6 Some of them, yes. I think the job interview one in the first chapter of the first book is pretty sexy.

Speaker 6 And suggestive, because nothing actually really happens. Yeah, but she slips off the seat.

Speaker 8 I mean, it's more than suggestive. Private pussy area is quite intense, as is labial pinkness.

Speaker 6 Yes, yes, yes. Labial pinkness is not.
You need these words like salt and pepper in your food. You need to sprinkle these words in now and again to keep the taste buds going.
Right, I see.

Speaker 6 He knows how to pull in a reader.

Speaker 6 Well, also, we should talk about like your kind of iconic phrases, things like her tits hung freely like pomegranates the rivets on the Titanic the flesh of mankind how do you come up with these I mean amazing metaphors yes um they are thank you very much

Speaker 6 you're welcome

Speaker 6 I've been wanting to do the rivets on the Titanic ever since I grew up in Northern Ireland where the Titanic was actually built and of course I had a relative who went down with the Titanic.

Speaker 6 I think she was actually one of the few who got saved.

Speaker 6 So nipples and rivets are very, very similar things. And you've wanted to, you've been sitting on that metaphor since you were a child, you said? Oh, maybe about 18.
18, okay.

Speaker 6 Wow, just waiting for the right time to use it.

Speaker 6 You can't bring it into buying a house in Brazil very easily. True.

Speaker 8 Or shifting cement.

Speaker 6 Correct. Yeah.
As he mixed his cement, his nipples shrunk and became as hard as rivets. Doesn't work.
I like that he knows what doesn't work.

Speaker 8 And also, that is writing erotica that isn't selling cement.

Speaker 6 So it does work there.

Speaker 6 Really basic question for you: Rocky Flintstone, where did that come from? That's been dealt with many times before, I do feel. But one more time, yes.
Oh, sorry. It came from Rocky.

Speaker 6 As you know, I'm a geologist by training, by

Speaker 6 my background in high school.

Speaker 6 So, rock and geology at school.

Speaker 6 Yeah, yeah, I did geology at high school. Did you really? Yeah, I did.

Speaker 6 And then I went on to university to read it further. Yes, Rocky, so rocks.
Rocky.

Speaker 6 In Brazil, we have this friend of ours who's still a very good friend. And

Speaker 6 he had a dog called Rocky, a big black Labrador, beautiful thing.

Speaker 6 Flintstone comes from that lovely cartoon called The Flintstones. And of course, with Wilma comes from The Flintstones.

Speaker 6 And I do love the scene where Rocky, no, Fred, gets left outside at the end of everything and he's hammering on the door to Wilma. Wilma! Let me in because the dog shut the door on him.

Speaker 6 And it all came together very nicely.

Speaker 6 Yeah, they really tie up together lovely they do I mean I think it's a great name like I have to say it's it's so many people say why was that not taken and in fact Hannah Barbara have taken it because I did try for copyright on Rocky Flintstone wouldn't let you have it I got a five-page letter

Speaker 6 Did you really? I did indeed. It's a cracker.
I've kept it.

Speaker 6 Someday I might publish it with their permission. What's funny about it is that they sent this letter to dad and they thought that they'd found his real name, I guess, on the internet or something.

Speaker 6 But it wasn't his name.

Speaker 6 And they think they're being really, really clever, don't they? They're like, I think they called me Jim, actually, which is another one.

Speaker 6 And we were both like, literally, not his name. Where have you even found that?

Speaker 8 Was there a world where you would ever have not written under a pen name and would have written as your real name?

Speaker 6 Never.

Speaker 6 Why is that? You do want to keep a small amount of privacy. I mean, I've got very nice neighbours.

Speaker 6 Do they know they live next door to Rocky Flintstone? Not many of them. Oh.
I mean, the postman knows who I am, but he never says anything.

Speaker 8 They're very discreet postman.

Speaker 6 Very discreet. Discreet, fantastic people.
Oh, because you get mails saying Rocky Flintstone. Yeah.
Oh. I think that's what's been so nice as well, is that everyone's kind of been respectful of that.

Speaker 6 And I thank you all for that because you've been really champion. Fantastic fan base out there.
Thank you, guys. Yeah, they're the best.

Speaker 8 We've all got to know each other pretty well now, so I feel like we've done a lot of critiquing of you over the years, which you've taken very well. I wondered what your impressions are of us.

Speaker 8 How would you describe each of us to somebody else?

Speaker 6 I think you're a very good cement. I mean, very good.
If you look at a ready-mixed concrete product,

Speaker 6 or cement as you guys in the States call it, and in the States, you're really genius because you don't believe in messing about with this stuff.

Speaker 6 You put so much water into it that it's really, really runny.

Speaker 6 But you compensate to make it hard by adding extra cement, which, of course, is an environmental disaster because you're utilizing more. Sorry, guys, I won't go down that route.

Speaker 6 Anyway,

Speaker 6 what did we ask? What is that? Your cement or concrete runny. Our concrete in the UK and Europe is much tougher, much thicker.

Speaker 6 So it comes out of the barrel of the machine, of the truck, and forms a nice little cone as it spills onto the thing. Now, I make a lot of ready-mixed concrete in my...

Speaker 6 It's just about concrete now. And I would say that, Alice,

Speaker 6 you're the rocks. The aggregate.
The aggregate. James is the sand and Jamie is the cement.
And put the three of you together and you get a really hard mixture after 28 days. Oh,

Speaker 6 but it wouldn't work without the water, which is you, Dad. No, I'm the steel.

Speaker 6 Of what? We want to make reinforced concrete. Right.
Oh, so who's the water? We need water, Dad. Well, mum.
Oh, mum's the water, of course, she is. Oh, well, that's very flattering.

Speaker 6 Oh, so there we go. Because, like, I've always felt that, um, because you've known Alison James for years ever, yeah.
But I always feel like you kind of prefer James to me.

Speaker 6 Like, he's definitely the favorite.

Speaker 6 Yay!

Speaker 6 Coming around for Christmas, right, Rocky? Yeah, when?

Speaker 6 Christmas.

Speaker 6 The other Christmas. 25th of December? Like always? Yeah, James, I think, is definitely your favourite.
Then Alice, then me, but that's fine.

Speaker 8 I don't know. I'm like, I'm in and out of favour, aren't I?

Speaker 6 No, Alice, you're the buddy one. You're the...

Speaker 6 Perhaps you should be the steel in the bloody company. Yeah, damn right.

Speaker 6 Why about the sand? I'm not sure. I'm happy being the sand.
We're everywhere, man.

Speaker 8 No, sand is great. If people are sick on the playground, you pour sand on it.

Speaker 6 Exactly.

Speaker 8 Like sand for...

Speaker 6 Sand makes glass. Sand makes glass.
That's true. You should be the steel.
Because, dad, you can be the rocks being rocky. Yes, that's true.
Yes. Oh, let's make it around a bit.
Yeah.

Speaker 6 I've got it around the eyes. What? What a shame.

Speaker 6 So really, it doesn't matter what order. As long as I'm making, you're still the cement.
Concrete. I'm still the cement.
You're cement regardless.

Speaker 8 Whatever happens, you're the cement.

Speaker 6 Okay, thanks. But you are actually in this whole team because you're actually the...
The glue. Yes, same thing.
You're the question master and the reader.

Speaker 6 These guys comment with their witticisms and stuff. And it's purely functional.
You just write the original material and that's it. That's it.
Such a modest man. Oh my God.

Speaker 6 Honestly, like, couldn't have expected a better answer to that question.

Speaker 6 We are reinforced concrete. As like a gang.
I kind of like that. Yeah, people have tuned into this podcast and all they're getting is concrete doors.
Cement for you guys in the States.

Speaker 8 A lot of people actually worry about you having your right to reply. They think we're really, really mean to you.

Speaker 6 You are. No, we're not.
No, we're not.

Speaker 6 be picked up on the mic.

Speaker 8 Do you think we are? Who do you think is the meanest to you?

Speaker 6 Our Slavine. Yep.
I would say so.

Speaker 6 This is a stitch up. It's too sharp, isn't it? It's when she doesn't add a laugh afterwards.
It sounds like a real... She asks all the interrogative questions.

Speaker 8 Oh, so the smartest is what I say.

Speaker 6 Well, James Cooper's my friend. We're good mates, aren't we, Rocky? Yes.
We email each other about

Speaker 6 such a teacher's pet. I can't believe it.
Excuse me, Rocky. Yes, James.
Who keeps this project on course? James, you're the PR man. You're brilliant.
Thank you. Social media, whatever.

Speaker 6 I think that's a compliment.

Speaker 8 I know that this is uncomfortable, which is my favourite part of doing this show.

Speaker 8 I'm just going to ask it, and I just want you to. You promise to be truthful.

Speaker 6 I'll try my best. Okay.

Speaker 8 Are the scenes depicted in the book ever taken from your sexual experiences or your awe or your fantasies.

Speaker 6 Every single one of them. Oh,

Speaker 6 Brock. That is honestly.

Speaker 6 I keep going back to the flossing the teeth bit. It's so true.
Let's do the other one where the blue cum sprinkles over the wedding cake. Do you know how that came about? Oh, how? No.

Speaker 6 One of our big supermarket chains produced some hair conditioner, which was light blue coloured or medium blue coloured.

Speaker 6 And as I was squirting it over my head to do my hair, it spattered down onto my torso. I thought, good God, what a fantastic.
Oh.

Speaker 6 Oh, my God.

Speaker 6 Oh, my God.

Speaker 6 It splattered onto my torso.

Speaker 6 It spotted me.

Speaker 6 And you thought, oh, that would make lovely jizz. That is rough, dad.

Speaker 6 Oh, my God.

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Speaker 6 Should we let's move on to lighter topics. I just wanted to ask you, obviously, we've done some incredible things on the journey of this podcast.

Speaker 6 We've done live tours, we did a physical book of your book,

Speaker 6 we did the HBO special. I was just wondering what some of your best memories or highlights of the project have been.
There have been so many, James.

Speaker 6 I mean, I think sitting down and writing that first set of words, Blinda blinked. It wasn't a dream.
The job interviewer had just asked her to remove her blouse.

Speaker 6 Must be the highlight of the whole thing for me. So right at the beginning, nothing else since.
Yes, yes. I mean, and seeing what that produced is phenomenal.
I mean, it's absolutely unbelievable.

Speaker 6 Yeah, like you couldn't have expected where it would go. No, no.
So, beyond the writing of the actual first chapter, which obviously, without that, we wouldn't have a show.

Speaker 6 What are some other kind of highlights along the way for you? I certainly enjoyed Australia.

Speaker 6 That was good touring in Australia because they're very friendly out there. And that's not to say that the UK or the USA aren't.
It's just different because I think we were there, was it springtime?

Speaker 6 Yeah,

Speaker 6 we unfortunately had those fires, which is a real, real shame. But

Speaker 8 yeah, that's. Because you're never in the audience, are you? You You always sit in a very special, secret side of stage bits.

Speaker 8 So at Sydney Opera House, you don't always have the best view, but I feel like what you get to do is watch the audience.

Speaker 6 Yeah, I really know. I sit behind a big thick curtain and just listen.
So it's really like a podcast for you every night. It is, absolutely.

Speaker 6 And is it true that mum, like on this last tour, mum would sit with you and you'd listen to it together, and then at a certain point, mum would just

Speaker 6 slink off and go downstairs to the dressing room because she didn't want to listen to it. She has never, thank God, heard the last five words of the latest

Speaker 6 live show.

Speaker 8 It's quite blue.

Speaker 6 Yeah, it was quite blue. But, you know, that's what's interesting about these books.
You know, they are about women, though. You know, they're about the Glee team, they're about Belinda.

Speaker 6 Why did you write pornography from a woman's perspective? Well, you've told me about the Bechter factor. The Bechtel test, yeah.
The Bechtel test, yes. The Bechter factor, yeah.

Speaker 6 Well, I prefer to call these things because I always change things a bit just to stop the lawyers from getting too unhappy. Absolutely, got you.
Wise. Yes.

Speaker 6 So I'm a very big feminist. I mean, I really should have been born a woman, but I wasn't.
So there you go. It had to be about women.

Speaker 8 Do you feel like Belinda Blinked is a feminist novel?

Speaker 6 Yes. And did you ever have creative ambitions? Because obviously you've always worked in quite labor-intensive jobs.
Like, did you always wanted to be creative?

Speaker 6 Well, I think I've always been creative in my private life by doing gardens and all this sort of thing. Seemingly,

Speaker 6 Wilmer says I'm one of the best landscape gardeners around. You are, you've done mine.

Speaker 8 You do a beautiful job.

Speaker 6 Yes, and that's just basically, I mean, I get other people who do the heavy work now. Wilmer does all the lifting of the soil.

Speaker 6 She's better at all that, yeah. Yeah, yeah, because I do the technical type direction of the walls.

Speaker 8 Those little hands, they're good at digging earth, aren't they?

Speaker 6 Absolutely fantastic.

Speaker 8 Not to turn this into a family counselling session, but we've been doing this for a long time together now, the four of us. And I sense a little change in your relationship with Jamie.

Speaker 8 I feel like having a project together has been a nice thing.

Speaker 6 Absolutely. The last project we had together was when he plastered or pointed the walls of our house in France, which was a three-year job.
Yeah.

Speaker 8 And quite a different job to reading your pornography.

Speaker 6 It's artistic, very autistic. I mean, I tell you, you think building is not artistic.
It's one of the most artistic things in the world you can do. Well, that's what this episode's about, man.

Speaker 6 We're creating something for a long time in the future. Yeah.

Speaker 6 Which is what we've done with these books and this podcast and all the live shows and all the rest of the stuff that you guys will be doing in the future. Oh, oh, oh, that was very restrained of you.

Speaker 6 Very good.

Speaker 8 So, do you think that because a lot of people I hear think it's kind of laughable that a son reading his dad's pornography out loud would be something that would bring you closer together.

Speaker 8 But I think it has. I mean, how would you describe how your relationship is now eight years on?

Speaker 6 Jamie is a very complex individual.

Speaker 8 Oh, my goodness, could not agree more.

Speaker 6 Could not preach. Preach.
And as a result, he has to be approached gently

Speaker 6 about many things.

Speaker 6 I give you the analogy of walking over eggshells without trying to make a noise.

Speaker 6 Wow. Diva.
Diva, are you talking about?

Speaker 8 I mean, just before you arrived this morning, I would say he was having a bit of one of those moments.

Speaker 6 He should have been here last night when we were putting the gate on. My God.
Oh, I was telling you about that fucking gate, Dad.

Speaker 6 So, yeah, he's a complex character, but at the end of the day, he has a a very, very, very attuned sense of humour. Yes, he does.
Yes, and that's what brings him his

Speaker 6 genius in putting all this lot together and delivering it to our fans. Oh, there we go.
Okay, that's nice. So, you're a hard work, but you're funny.

Speaker 8 You're not diva, but you have a kind of superpower.

Speaker 6 I never said diva.

Speaker 6 I said,

Speaker 6 complex eggshells.

Speaker 6 Complex eggshells. You're a complex egg.

Speaker 8 You're a complex humpty-dumpty.

Speaker 6 Okay. I suppose that's fair.
And if I am that way, there's only one place I got it from, and that's you.

Speaker 6 And it's very complex. Indeed.
I mean, everyone's complex. And I think that's the thing that, yeah, we've learned so much more about each other in every way imaginable during this show.

Speaker 6 Like you say, Al, we've been travelling the world together. We're business partners.
I read your porn. There's many levels that we're working at here.

Speaker 6 But I'm really glad that we did it. Are you glad that you wrote these books? Absolutely.
And, you know, Belinda Blink is cathartic.

Speaker 6 I had to get all this stuff written down that I had experienced in my lifetime before I forgot it all.

Speaker 6 So it's essentially a diary, is what you say. It's an autobiography.
Autobiography, you know? No, it's not, Dad. Don't be silly.

Speaker 8 But some of it is autobiographical.

Speaker 6 It's all true, Alice. Yeah.
Even the hump and skunk. Absolutely.
That would wore her most.

Speaker 6 I mean, poor old Des Martin. He doesn't stand a chance in the real world, that guy.

Speaker 6 And he's my favourite RSM, by the way, if you want to ask that question. Okay, good to know.
Ken Hughes was a close second. I love his cellar in Leeds.
That was a real story, actually.

Speaker 6 We actually lived above that cellar for me. Lived in Leeds.

Speaker 6 Wilma and I. Well, thanks for telling the authorities.
Turned out the guy below was actually a copper. Oh, my God.
Twizzed.

Speaker 6 Got him sacked.

Speaker 6 Really? Oh, God, Chris.

Speaker 6 Is there anything you'd like to say? Obviously, everyone's going to be listening to this episode. Everyone finally wants to hear Rocky Flintstone's voice.

Speaker 6 What would you like to say to all the readers, the listeners out there? This is your platform. It's been a privilege, to be honest with you, to help people through the sadder times of their lives.

Speaker 6 The pandemic, of course, wrought havoc with people.

Speaker 6 They didn't get to see any of their friends for maybe two years because they couldn't leave the building, because they're one way or another affected by this horrible thing.

Speaker 6 So, no, it's been a privilege to be of service to mankind in that, and you guys have helped spread the message really, really good.

Speaker 8 I agree with you, though. Privilege is a good word.

Speaker 8 I think we've sort of accidentally, I don't think we could necessarily have predicted it, created a community, created a big gang, and people come to us for escape.

Speaker 8 And that feels like something really special that we can offer, doesn't it?

Speaker 6 Yeah, and one of the things about the podcast coming to a conclusion is you can't keep going forever.

Speaker 6 It's a fantastic time to bring the podcast to an end because Belinda has succeeded beyond her wildest dreams. She's now in charge of this mega-maniac business corporation.
You said it. Yeah, yeah.
And

Speaker 6 it's amazing. And I don't want the fandom to think that's the end.
It's not the end. Something else will happen in a different, slightly different way.
Exactly.

Speaker 6 And whilst we may not release the podcast anymore because it's a really good place to end, I don't see any reason why I should stop doing what I do. Absolutely not.

Speaker 8 Well, we've tried stopping you. If we haven't stopped you by now, we're not going to stop you from here on in, are we?

Speaker 6 So watch this space, guys. There you go.
There's a tease. There's a thread.

Speaker 8 Do you feel like, as a writer, you're going to leave a legacy behind?

Speaker 6 Yes, because anyone who writes anything will leave it behind. Because

Speaker 6 we are not staying in this earth forever. I've got another 10 years approximately before I lose my marbles.

Speaker 6 Maybe something

Speaker 6 happened a while ago. Well, exactly.

Speaker 6 You've got to find them first.

Speaker 6 So that's an inevitable situation. But in the meantime, I can do a lot of stuff.

Speaker 8 What an adventure, though, hey, Rocky.

Speaker 6 Hasn't it been amazing? It's been amazing. Because, like, you know, to Alice's point,

Speaker 6 so many people around the world have read your books and been inspired by belinda whether it's through artwork people have recorded their own songs remember that pomegranates and rivers that we love what does it feel like to kind of have created a piece of work that has inspired other people and not just people that you know people that you'll never meet i think it's your duty i think it's all our duties to inspire all the people why should we're lucky we've been rewarded financially in a small way by doing it but the bigger goal is to bring people love and laughter which is what i think we've done absolutely couldn't agree more And hope that one day they too will rise above life is shit, but we all move on.

Speaker 6 There's another blend of big reference. That's true.

Speaker 6 I've got that in my toilet. It's a big inspiration.
And also, because it's like, you know, you were in your 60s when this all happened.

Speaker 6 What would you say to people whose lives maybe hadn't panned out the way they'd hoped and that they think that their time's past? No, you have to have supreme confidence in yourself.

Speaker 6 There's no doubt about it. And you guys have it because you do other things outside of this podcast, which you have to stick your neck above the the parapet and do every day of your lives.

Speaker 6 So it's all about being confident in what you do. Now,

Speaker 6 you will never be 100% successful, anything you do, but if you need that 1% grain of success and challenge it correctly and guide it and make it work for you, be it buying your retirement home in the countryside or...

Speaker 6 buying yourself a horse that you can love and ride and all this sort of stuff achieving your small goals which might then lead to bigger goals you might decide you buy your horse, then you've got to buy a little field for it to live in.

Speaker 6 So you buy a little field, then you think, oh, I'm enjoying this. I'll do a podcast on riding horses in my field and become a multi-million dollar YouTuber.
There you go. I'm going to buy a horse.

Speaker 6 It's decided. Toffee apple chew.
Yes. So never give up, basically.

Speaker 6 Never give up a message to Robert Flintstone. And buy a horse.

Speaker 8 And buy a horse. And never bank on where you think the answer's going.
I mean, never.

Speaker 6 I mean, I hope that this has really given context to the books. You can almost see the moment it starts to go off the tracks, can't you? Yeah, what's it called?

Speaker 8 Is it called aquaplaning?

Speaker 6 You know, when the car is just sort of like it hits the skids. Runaway train.
Runaway, for sure. You are a runaway train in human form.
Now, Dad, have you brought your harmonica with you? I have.

Speaker 6 I never go anywhere. How do you order harmonica? We can't end the episode without a blast from Rocky.
All right, now, I might be a bit rusty. That's all right.

Speaker 6 I asked you earlier, like, have you ever played the theme tune? And you don't think you have, but you thought you might be able to have a crack at it. Yeah, but I don't know the theme tune.

Speaker 6 I only listened to the podcast once I didn't

Speaker 6 tune very well at all. Rocky Flinton is going to play us out with his humble.
I think it's the only way and he can play an old favourite to warm up with maybe. Oh that's brilliant.
Oh he's back.

Speaker 6 He's got it.

Speaker 6 It's so shiny.

Speaker 8 What's in the repertoire?

Speaker 6 A lot of Irish stuff. A lot of Australian Irish stuff.

Speaker 6 A bit of French stuff.

Speaker 6 Anything with names or just stuff? No, just stuff. Okay, okay.

Speaker 6 Because you won't recognise us when I do stuff. Well, because it's a famous song from the books.
I don't suppose you can play Will You Go, Lassie Go. I could try and do that sort of stuff.
Okay. Ish.

Speaker 6 Oh, wow. Wonderful.
It's really good.

Speaker 8 And sort of the right level of kind of melancholy as well.

Speaker 6 Bittersweet. It is.
Okay.

Speaker 6 i mean i guess that brings us to the end then right yeah we've asked the questions we've done the harmonica that's everything you can't top that um so yeah dad i just want to say have you prepared some words i have of course speech speech

Speaker 6 um i just want to say a massive thank you dad uh for coming and joining us today but also a massive thank you for belinda uh and thank you for letting us do this show you know from the first time i mentioned the possibility of maybe reading your interesting erotica to the world, you've been nothing but supportive.

Speaker 6 And Emma Thompson said when she met you that you had a great generosity of spirit, and Dame M pretty much nailed it, I think.

Speaker 6 You've always been so gracious and an incredible sport, no matter how much we've ribbed you and taken the piss a little bit.

Speaker 6 And I think what maybe people don't know out there is that we're a family. You know, it's not just me and you, but these two as well.

Speaker 6 We've shared some incredible experiences together from playing Yahtzee on a balcony in Boston to getting quite drunk in the dressing rooms of the Sydney Opera House. Do you remember that?

Speaker 6 And it has just been the greatest adventure. So I'm so proud of you, Dad.
I've loved working with you and getting to know you even better over the past eight years.

Speaker 6 It really has been an incredible privilege to travel the world with you and mum and to see you being adored by millions of people all over the globe. You really do deserve it.

Speaker 6 And you've shown that it's never too late to make an impact on the world. And the amount of joy that you've brought so many people is pretty inspiring

Speaker 6 and I'm really proud that I get to call you my dad and

Speaker 6 with that

Speaker 6 try and do the theme tune dad do your best

Speaker 6 wow that was terrible to Rocky Flickersburg everybody cheers

Speaker 6 thank you so much it's been a pleasure no it's been our pleasure

Speaker 6 and so that's it we've reached the end. So for me, Jamie, Alice, James, and Rocky, thank you so, so much for listening.
And that is the end of my dad wrote a porno.

Speaker 9 What are you reaching for?

Speaker 11 If you're a smoker or vapor, you could be reaching for so much more with Zin nicotine pouches.

Speaker 12 When you reach for Zen, you're reaching for 10 satisfying varieties and two strengths for a smoke-free experience that lets you lean in for chances to break free from your routine and a unique nationwide community.

Speaker 16 Whatever you're reaching for, reach for it with America's number one nicotine pouch brand.

Speaker 15 Find your Zen wherever nicotine products are sold near you.

Speaker 17 Morning, this product contains nicotine. Nicotine is an addictive chemical.

Speaker 3 Hi folks, it's Mark Bittman from the podcast Food with Mark Bittman.

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