Rocky Flintstone Revealed

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The following podcast contains adult themes, sexual content, and strong language. Basically, all the good stuff.

Hello, and welcome to the last ever episode of My Dad Wrote A Porno. Guys, we've made it.

That will never not sound weird. I know, but you know, we're fine with it.
It's great. And we couldn't be luckier today because we do have a guest with us.
We couldn't not, really.

We couldn't end the series without this exclusive. Yeah.
I can't believe he's here.

I'm not looking at him. He's just right there.

And he obviously requires no introduction. However, I have prepared a little something.
Okay, yeah.

Just to fluff him up a bit. He deserves the headline.
He does. He does.

Yeah, we are so.

It's actually an honor for me to introduce to the mic for the first time ever, the Banksy of pornography himself, the brilliantly bonkers, genius that is Rocky Flintstone.

Hi, Dad.

Hi, guys.

This is a world exclusive. This is your first interview ever on Mike.
Correct. Wow.
I'm personally very excited to have you here. I'm just going to say, we should have had him on sooner.

Yeah, I'm so, so glad that we're finally doing this.

It feels like a full circle moment. Yeah, well, when Jamie said that we were going to read your books on a podcast, what was your reaction? What's a podcast? Yeah.
That was the first question.

Because they were so new, right? Well, we never thought it would have the success of being probably the biggest podcast in the world. But

mic drop.

But no, happy. Fine.
Use it. You know, let's get on with it.
And you've never minded our constant. We like to say critique.
Yeah.

Some people would be saying ripping to shreds taking the piss you never minded any of that no because my turn will come oh

hang on what you're gonna do a podcast where you critique our critiques it's a damn good idea

somebody's got to do it I tell you because you miss so many lovely little golden eggs you call them

do we oh god it's unbelievable how much you miss and actually the punters the fans do get it yeah because they're listening to this maybe 10 times now, which is wonderful.

I mean, I listened to it once, and that's enough for me.

Put it on the poster. We've got a quote.

Can we go way back to the beginning and just ask a question, which is a question that we started the very first episode with, I think, which is why? Why?

Basically, I'd moved to this lovely place just outside London and we'd finished renovating the property, which hadn't been renovated for 90 years.

And after the pavilion was built, I sat down and started writing this. Belinda blinked.
You're inspired. Oh, yes.
Well, I had nothing else to do, you see. I needed something to start doing.

But why porn?

Well, why not, James? But there is a story grab, and you could answer me in a second.

No, we were driving one day, and of course, as you all know, Wilma and I have written 62 books before this, like How to Buy a House in Brazil, How to Survive the Brazilian World Cup

back in 1916, I think. No, 2016, sorry.

During the war. Yes, and buying a house in Ireland, all these little travel books.
And of course, they were selling absolutely zero.

So as we were in the car going somewhere, Wilma says to me, book sales are terrible. And I said, well, Wilma, as you know, the only thing that sells these days is sex.

And Wilma says to me, yeah, I can't write it. And I said, Yes, I can.
And I did. I see.
So actually, Wilma was the inspiration for you to write porn. Correct.
Wow. That is a revelation.

Yeah, but I don't think she actually thought you'd genuinely write porn, Dad. No.

We've always been a little bit worried about Wilma because I know in the early days when we first started doing the podcast, she wasn't overly keen. She didn't know where it was going to lead to.

No, do you think she's okay now? No.

She makes out like she is when I see her. She's a very good actress.
Right, okay.

A lot of people ask why you shared it with Jamie and not with your daughters. Because Jamie's a male, he can stand this rigorous entertainment.
Is that really why? Absolutely.

This is not for the faint-hearted. This stuff, you know.
Oh, you knew that when you were sending it to him, that this was raunchy stuff. I am the biggest wind-up merchant in the world.

Well, the Irish world.

And I sent it to him

to see: A, would he read it? Because he doesn't read anything I send him. Right.
B, which is true, isn't it?

Not anymore. I read everything now.

Meticulously.

I'm a lawyer on speed tiles. B, Pete, would he get past the first page? Because Belinda blinked.
It wasn't a dream. Someone had just asked her to remove her blouse.

It sort of attracts your attention and you think, well, I've got to read the next sentence. So you might say you were writing those words with Jamie in mind.

And then did you get really into it?

Did you think, I've just got a natural flair for this? I have no natural flair for this, Alice. I can put fireplaces.
I would agree, but I just wonder what you thought.

I can put fireplaces onto walls. That's a flair.
I can do that. But not writing.
No, I'm rubbish.

Well, at least he admits it. I don't think you are, though, because actually, having been able to take a step back, Belinda blinked it wasn't a dream.

The job interviewer had just asked her to be like, That's actually a really good opening to a book. Yeah, and people have said that, yeah.
Oh, very compelling. Kept us reading for eight years.

Well, when we visited the um, you guys played the um

New York City uh radio music hall venue, those words in a different order, yeah. Yeah, for sure.
I mean, I was lucky to get even that one, I can tell you. I found I got the right city.

Um, they sent us around this big book because we were in the dressing rooms, and um, this big book was full of all the people who'd played there over this past three years.

It was a guest book, wasn't it? It was a kind of like visitor's book, and they wanted us to each put in a sentence of what we wanted to say.

And the one I put in was Belinda Blinked Wasn't a Dream, she just arrived at the Radio City Music Hall Playhouse.

I'm obsessed. We just have a whole episode where Frankie tries to say the name of Radio City Music Hall.

Playhouse.

That was good, wasn't it? Yeah, you were like, Plina Bank wasn't a dream. We just played Radio City.
Yeah.

That was a good quote.

It was a kind of rocky remix, wasn't it? And I did sign it rocky and give it two kisses. Of course.
I mean, Dad, there's nothing that you haven't signed.

I mean, if you can find something in the world that Dad hasn't signed, it's worth a fortune.

He does love giving out those business cards. He really does.
He really does.

And so, like, obviously, you started writing, you got into the writing and also like you just retired so you're kind of bored as well i'd imagine yes that's correct yeah and it's a good thing to do though of course nobody ever retires really and aren't you the living proof of that dad because the day you retire is the day you die you understand that oh 100 you must never stop doing your thing because that's the thing like i think what is really great about you and your kind of story is that you were a builder you had many jobs actually throughout your life you were in sales back in the 80s you know you've done a lot of things and maybe would i say is it fair to say that your most successful work has come later in life i've matured like a good cheese absolutely and like it's a good thing to say never give up right never count yourself out book 65 was blended blinked i don't understand what that means we've written 62 64 books previously and none of them were doing anything great i mean we were selling three or four

a year

um but once blended blink came along and then you guys got the podcast we started to sell eight a week it was really big it's not eight a week I'm dizzy, it's big stuff, it really is big stuff.

I tell you, the uh, the money coming in from Amazon is really good stuff. Eight a week, I can take Wilmot for a meal once a year.

Wow, but that's what's nice about this whole kind of thing: is that you've been able to spoil mum and like take her. Like, you bought the car, named it Belinda.
Was the blue number called Belinda?

I hadn't appreciated that. I do love that mum's been riding Belinda for the past eight years, it's kind of fitting.
How's she served you, old Belinda? Oh, brilliantly, very, very good.

You've been all over the world with flat tires that's the only point we've been able to spend four times in her flat tires i mean i just immediately think of that from the books i just always think of that scene oh yes yes yes out in the road that's right that's where it came from oh really everything's related in belinda blinked apart from the sexual activity i was gonna say not everything please do hang on so it's autobiographical

some of it i'm 60 plus now and um all my life has been put into these books in some way or another give us another example i'm trying to think of something else when jim stirling yeah meets blinda in his hotel in the USA next to his offices, and he shows her his monster dick, and she sucks it.

She has to flosh her teeth afterwards. Which happened to me many times.
Which bit?

Her teeth. To get rid of the flaky skin.
I'm sorry, what? You've had to flosh your teeth to get rid of flaky skin. Many times.

From eating meat. Eh,

fish.

Chicken. But not the same scenario as is written in the book.
No, no, give it a little bit of lateral tolerance. Hang on, that's the first example you give us of how it relates to your life.

I also have just, it's been eight years. Turns out, reading it and actually looking at my father and hearing him say, Suck, suck dick, yeah, is actually one of the most disgusting.

I'm so glad we're ending this. I think, no, I think we've got a new podcast.
My dad reads a porno to me, his own porno to me.

I chose that example because all the fans, when they do a poll or whatever, Reddit, Twitter, that's the scene they all hate the most. Why? Because it's so gross.

Flossing of the teeth to get the flaky skin out of it. So you're all over the Reddits and the Twitches.

I watch everything. I'm watching you all.
If you've ever listened to the show, Rocky has your details and he's watching you. He sounds like Liam Neeson, doesn't he?

He's like, I have a particular set of skills and I'm watching you at every turn.

Well, let's go more into your writing process. So when you're planning the books, because obviously there's a lot of thought goes into them.
Huge amount. I mean, minutes of work.

James, my writing style is I sit down and write. I don't fuck about.

Right. It keeps the fucking for the pages.
Correct.

So sorry. So you literally just, as we thought, you literally just sit down and go.

That lovely girl we met in Los Angeles. Rachel Bloom.
Rachel Bloom. I had the pleasure of speaking to Rachel for 10 minutes.
Many, many hours, I think, yeah. L.A.

And I said to her, you are the only person who has got my writing talent completely correct. You see, I'm a cipher from God, or the Norse gods, as I like to put it.
I'm a cipher from God.

Can you imagine? Can you imagine? And it's like our great friend from Wales. Michael Sheen.
Michael Sheen.

So many name drops. And he said his grandfather was a preacher.
Right. And as he said, he didn't make any preparation.
He just spoke the Lord's name in one full sweep to all the people. Okay.

That's how I get my writing. My writing comes from a divine source or perhaps it's an alien source somewhere at the bottom.
So God is telling you to write Belinda Blinkt. Not God.

Could it be the devil?

Could it be the devil? Well, as you had that Baptist preacher from the USA on footnotes once, and she said she does great works with Belinda Blinkt and her posterising. Yeah.

So just to kind of clarify that, so Emma Thompson called you a fucking genius. Yes.
Michael Sheen, your great friend from Wales, he compared you to Shakespeare. Yes.

Lynn Manuel Miranda said that you had mad libs that could put Tupac to shame. But you're saying that Rachel Bloom thinking that you are getting your books from an alien life form is the most accurate.

Correct. Okay.

Just clarifying. I tend to agree actually at this point.

Do you go into the pavilion to write? Is it always the pavilion? Have you done it when you're on holiday? Where do you find is your kind of ideal setup to write? I write best in the sun, James. Yes.

Paint a picture. You're so good with words.
Paint a picture. If we wandered in and saw you writing, what would we see?

Well, you'd have to avert your eyes because I tend to write with not many clothes on, just nice and warm. But I tend to to write in the afternoons around about two o'clock to four o'clock.

I can push out about 1,200 words in two hours.

Wow.

That's frantic. Yeah, but the story's coming down the line.
So in 120 minutes, you can do 1,200 words. What's that, like 10 words a minute? But with also like just no deleting.

No, no, no, it's all pretty rough stuff, and I'd have to. I agree.
Yeah.

It is editing.

Well, yes, because I'm very keen on good spelling and punctuation.

I love the semicolon. It's a fantastic little beast.
I think you've really single-handedly brought back the semicolon. I've started using the semicolon way more in my writing because of dad.

Can I ask, actually, because I am genuinely intrigued,

what is the correct usage of a semicolon?

It's a pause, really. It's longer than a, it's not quite as long as a full stop, which

Americans call periods. And also, it's a breathing point, and then you can continue without.

the posh comma, isn't it? Yeah, okay, fine. A breathing point is certainly how Rocky uses it.

So, if you're taking a breath while you're writing, whilst you take that breath, you'll just pop a little semicurlon in.

Exactly, because I can't stop the flow, so I've got to keep getting the words on. Once I get going, I can't stop

until that 1200 word is written. We used to joke that you did your writing on a typewriter, but you do have a computer, don't you? Oh, yes, yes, yes.
So, what computer do you do it on?

What do you reckon? Cheapest possible. Great, okay.
That's a good tip for young writers.

It's an ASUS. No.
ASU.

It's an Anus. Something like that.
An Anus computer, yeah.

And the other one is a Lenovo. Because I have two.
What do you mean the other one? He's got two computers. Jeez, you're flashy these days.

Well, when one breaks down, because I've spilt some Chardonnay on it, you've got to have a standby. This is true.
It's the golden rule. This is the money maker.
You've got to have your equipment.

I don't use the brain of the computer. I have an SD card that I slip in.
The brain.

The brain of the computer. Slip in.
God, it's just assuming. Don't trust the brain.
Never trust the brain.

When I have to move to the other computer, because I spoke Shardin in this one, I have to turn upside down and it drained for two months.

I take the card out, the SD card out, and I put it into the other computer. And bingo, I'm up and running inside the card.
I'm writing all this down.

So at any given time, there's a computer in a sack of rice. There's one.
Yeah, I was going to say, Rocky, can I film you using your computer? In a plastic bag in the freezer.

That's what you do with... Isn't that what you do with like murder evidence? And chewing gum on clothes.
Yeah, I don't don't think that's a solution to spilling wine on a keyboard.

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Hi, folks. It's Mark Bittman from the podcast Food with Mark Bittman.

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You've mentioned before about your timeline and how you've actually, because like, you know, we've obviously ribbed you a little bit, but there's been things that have kind of paid off, like the whole special one thing, East Berlin being seeded early.

So you do have like a rough idea of where these books are going. Is that right? Yes.

Do you want to elaborate on that? No. Okay.

Listen, I'm not here as a tutorial guide for you three people because I know you all want to return my place in life and write all these fantastic books like James jumped Jamie jibbed and Alice alphabetted

they sound great

so what you're saying is you know some stuff has to go to go to the grave because otherwise you know that's your magic source that you're not going to

give away his tricks this is true I want to uh talk a little bit about the business aspect of the books yeah because Famously, these books aren't just erotica.

That's a mere portion of what they are. They're also business manuals, and that was always something that you kind of wanted to merge together.

Do you feel like you've really lived up to the business aspect in these books? I think so.

I mean, actually, Belinda, I met Belinda when I was selling ready-mixed concrete in Manchester many, many, many, many, many years ago. And Belinda was selling me

cleaning materials. Now, this girl wasn't called Belinda, but this girl.
She's the inspiration? She's one of the inspirations, yes. She had long black hair flowing,

wore large black leather boots had fantastic breasts okay um

great and and she sold me a lot of stuff i bet she did i bet she did because she kept coming back every week for another order and i would give her an order of cleaning products yes oh wow you were the cleanest ready-mixed concrete depot in the whole of the uk

so so why did the why did uh the world of Belinda end up being pots and pans? Ah, because pots and pans are something that we need to use every single day of our life.

So it's something that everybody can get their heads around. Everybody knows what it is.
If I was saying she was selling Titanic

jet condensers,

it wouldn't have been relatable. It's true.
Because do you feel like people who listen kind of learn business from the book? Of course they do. I do get the odd email that's saying...

Or if you read the Amazon reviews, actually, some of them do say, having read this book, I am now been promoted to managing director.

Wow. You're changing the world.
You're changing life. That's what it's all about.
education. I want to verify those.

I wanted to ask you about Jamie's interpretation of some of your characters and some of the voices he's given to you. Do you mean the Duchess?

Very good.

It runs in the family.

What do you think of them? Do you think it's enhanced the books? Are there some you don't agree with? What's your take on the voices? I enjoy them very, very much.

I think his Irish accent is absolutely crap. Awful.
But never mind. Bella, for example.
Yes, very, very good. I mean, that was Mr.
Middleditch who brought that on initially.

And that's for the inspiration for the voices I truly feel came from. 100%.

And it was very good because he did this yakke, yakki, yakke, going down the high street and said, oh, you've lost your back seal shoes, how would I?

I remember it well. It was perfect for Bella.
Absolutely perfect for Bella. Because Bella is that sort of person.
I mean, Bella is one of my favourite characters, to be honest with you.

And she's just such a... If I wanted a night out, I would go out with Bella.

Oh, yeah, I agree. So much fun.
By gum, you are not going to be. Look at that.
Rocky Bella on a night out. I don't know who drank who under the table.

Well, the champagne would be flowing, that's for sure, because she doesn't drink anything else these days. Yeah, Bella's one of my favourite characters as well.

There was one voice as well that really stood out. Jamie did a German accent for Petra.
Yes. What did you think of that? Yeah, very good, yeah.
I mean,

the fans love Petra. I mean, for some reason,

which beats me because she's really a nasty little git.

They love her. They love her.
They do. They love all the characters.

You've really created some indelible kind of characters for the world that you hear them for like a sentence and then you just pull in love.

I was really sorry to write James Spooner out of it because you never kill your real goodies and you never kill your real baddies. So Bish will live on forever.

I mean, he'll probably have a few hot bypasses and all this sort of business. But you don't get rid of your big baddies and your big goodies in novels.
In show business.

So it's important that you keep these people on stage. Where did you learn that Pearl of Wisdom? How do you know that about killing off your goodies and baddies?

Oh, you just watch all the big TV screen plays and watching Lord of the Rings prequel at the moment. Oh, the Rings of Power.
The Rings of Power.

And they should have killed that bloody elf when they had the chance.

There you go.

But then we wouldn't have had a story, though, to your points. Exactly the point.
A bit like James Bond and Blofeld, like Blofeld never died, he always came back, he's always a thief. Oh, my god.

And the one thing we know about Blofeld is he doesn't have asthma.

Right, okay, okay. That's good.
And do you know how we can deduce that? Because he's always stroking bloody cats. Right, so he's not allergic to cats.

And if you have cats, which is different to asthma, basically. If you don't shed hair, which means if you're asthmatic, it gives you a problem because the hair is very short, it's lovely.

But okay, you have cats with long hair, and they're better for asthmatic. So we've got, perhaps Blofeld's going to be a little bit more...
We're talking about one thing.

He's actually pulled the handbrake on and we've gone full 180. I thought we were somewhere and the tone of voice suggests that we're still on that topic, but we have taken a very hard left-hand turn.

But that answers your question, Oz. It doesn't,

but it certainly was a ride, an absolute ride. I also love that we now have a headline, Rocky Slams Rings with Power.
They should have killed the L.

Can I ask a really basic question, which is, do you think the books are sexy? Some of them, yes. I think the job interview one in the first chapter of the first book is pretty sexy

And suggestive, because nothing actually really happened. Yeah, but she slips off the seat.
I mean, it's more than suggestive. Private pussy area is quite intense.
As is labial pinkness.

Yes, yes. Labial pinkness is.
You put these words like salt and pepper in your food. You need to sprinkle these words in now and again to keep the taste buds going.
Right, I see.

He knows how to pull in a reader. Well, also, we should talk about your kind of iconic phrases, things like her tits hung freely like pomegranates, the rivets on the Titanic, the flesh of mankind.

How do you come up with these? I mean, amazing metaphors. Yes, they are.
Thank you very much.

You're welcome.

I've been wanting to do the rivets on the Titanic ever since I grew up in Northern Ireland, where the Titanic was actually built. And of course, I had a relative who went down with the Titanic.

I think she was actually one of the few who got saved.

So nipples and rivets are very, very similar things.

And you've wanted to, you've been sitting on that metaphor since you were a a child you said oh maybe about 18 18 okay so why i'm just waiting for the right time to use

you can't bring it into buying a house in brazil very easily

or or shifting cement correct yeah as he mixed his cement his nipples shrunk and became as hard as rivets doesn't work i like that he knows what doesn't work

and also that is writing erotica that isn't selling cement so it does work there

um really basic question for you rocky flintstone where did that come from uh That's been dealt with many times before, I do feel. But one more time, yes.
Oh, sorry. It came from Rocky.

I'm a geologist by training, by

my background in high school.

So rock and geology. Geology.

Yeah, yeah, I did geology at high school. Did you really? Yeah, I did.

And then I went on to university to read it further. Yes, Rocky, so rocks.
Rocky.

In Brazil, we have this friend of ours who's still a very good friend. And

he had a dog called Rocky, a big black Labrador, beautiful thing. Flintstone comes from that lovely cartoon called The Flintstones.

Of course, Wilma comes from the Flintstones.

And I do love the scene where Rocky, no, Fred, gets left outside at the end of everything, and he's hammering on the door to Wilma.

Net me in because the dog shut the door on him.

And it all came together very nicely. Yeah, they really tie up together lovely.
They do. I mean, I think it's a great name.
Like, I have to say, it's.

So many people say, why was that not taken? And in fact, Hannah Barbara have taken it because I did try for copyright on Rocky Flintstone. They wouldn't let you have it.
I got a five-page letter.

Did you really? I did indeed. It's a cracker.
I've kept it.

Someday I might publish it with their permission. What's funny about it is that they sent this letter to dad and they thought that they'd found his real name, I guess, on the internet or something.

But it wasn't his name.

And they think they're being really, really clever, don't they? They're like, I think they called me Jim, actually, which is the other one.

And we're both like, literally, not his name. Where have you even found that? Was there a world where you would ever have not written under a pen name and would have written as your real name? Never.

Why is that? You do want to keep a small amount of privacy. I mean, I've got very nice neighbours.

Do they know they live next door to Rocky Flintstone? Not many of them. Oh.
I mean, the postman knows who I am, but he never says anything. They're very discreet postmen.
Very discreet.

Absolutely fantastic people. Oh, because you get mails saying Rocky Flintstone.
Yeah.

I think that's what's been so nice as well, is that everyone's kind of been respectful of that. And I thank you all for that because you've been really champion.
Fantastic fan base out there.

Thank you, guys. Yeah, they're the best.
We've all got to know each other pretty well now, so I feel like we've done a lot of critiquing of you over the years, which you've taken very well.

I wondered what your impressions are of us. How would you describe each of us to somebody else?

I think you're a very good cement. I mean, very good.
If you look at a ready-mixed concrete product,

or cement, as you guys in the States call it, and in the States, you're really genius because you don't believe in messing about with this stuff.

You put so much water into it that it's really, really runny. But you compensate to make it hard by adding extra cement, which, of course, is an environmental disaster because you're utilizing more.

Sorry, guys, I won't go down that route. Anyway.
I understand. What did we ask? What is that? Your cement or concrete is runny.
Our concrete in the UK and Europe is much tougher, much thicker.

So it comes out of the barrel of the machine, of the truck, and forms a nice little cone as it spills onto the thing. Now, I make a lot of ready-mixed concrete in my...

It's just about concrete now. And I would say that, Alice,

you're the rocks. The aggregate.
The aggregate. James is the sand, and Jamie is the cement.
And put the three of you together, and you get a really hard mixture after 28 days. Oh,

but it wouldn't work without the water, which is you, Dad. No, I'm the steel.

Of what? We want to make reinforced concrete. Right.
Oh. So, who's the water? We need water, Dad.
Well, mum. Oh, mum's the water, of course, she is.
Oh, well, that's very flattering.

Oh, so there we go. Because, like, I've always felt that because you've known Alison James for years ever, yeah.
But I always feel like you kind of prefer James to me. Like, I'm definitely the fair.

Yay!

Coming around for Christmas, right, Rocky? Yeah, when? Christmas!

The other Christmas. 25th of December, like always.
Yeah, James, I think, is definitely your favourite. Then Alice, then me, but that's fine.
I don't know.

I'm like, I'm in and out of favour, aren't I? No, Alice, you're the buddy one. You're the...

Perhaps you should be the steel in the bloody company. Yeah, damn right.
Yeah, that. Why about the sand? I'm not sure.
I'm happy being the sand. We're everywhere, man.
No, sand is great.

If people are sick on the playground, you pour sand on them. Exactly.
Like sand for... Sand makes glass.
Sand makes glass. That's true.
You should be the steel.

Because, dad, you can be the rocks being rocky. Yes, that's true.
Yes. Oh, let's make it around a bit.
Yeah. I've got an arrow, guys.
What a shame.

So really, it doesn't matter what order. As long as I'm making, you're still the cement.
Concrete. I'm still the cement.
You're cement regardless. Whatever happens, you're the cement.
Okay, thanks.

But you are actually in this whole team because you're actually the... The glue.
Yes, same thing. You are the question master and the reader.
These guys comment with their witticisms and stuff.

And it's purely funny. I just write the original material, and that's it.
That's it. Such a modest man.
Oh, my God. Honestly, like, couldn't have expected a better answer to that question.

We are reinforced concrete as, like, a gang. I kind of like that.
Yeah, people have tuned into this podcast, and all they're getting is concrete doors. Cement.
Few guys in the States.

A lot of people actually worry about you having your right to reply. They think we're really, really mean to you.
You are. No, we're not.
No, we're not.

And he knows it won't be picked up on the mic.

Do you think we are? Who do you think is the meanest to you? Oh, Ours Levine. Yeah, I would say so.

This is a stitch up. It's too sharp, isn't it? It's when she doesn't add a laugh afterwards.
It sounds like a real... She asks all the interrogative questions.
Oh, so the smartest is what I say.

Well, James Cooper's my friend. We're good mates, aren't we, Rocky? Yes.
We email each other about

such a teacher's pet. I can't believe it.
Excuse me, Rocky. Yes, James.
Who keeps this project on course? James, you're the PR man. You're brilliant.
Thank you. Social media, whatever.

I think that's a compliment.

I know that this is uncomfortable, which is my favourite part of doing this show.

I'm just going to ask it, and I just want you to. You promise to be truthful.
I'll try my best. Okay.

Are the scenes depicted in the book ever taken from your sexual experiences or your awe or your fantasies?

Every single one of them. Oh,

Brockett. That is honestly.
I keep going back to the flossing the teeth bit. It's so true.
Let's do the other one where the blue cum sprinkles over the wedding cake. Do you know how that came about?

Oh, how? No. One of our big supermarket chains produced some hair conditioner which was light blue coloured or medium blue coloured.

And as I was squirting it over my head to do my hair, it spattered down onto my torso. I thought, good God, what a fantastic hair.

Oh, my God.

Oh, my God.

It splattered onto my tool.

It splattered onto it.

And you thought, oh, that would make lovely jizz. That is rough, Dad.

Oh, my God.

Hi, folks. It's Mark Bittman from the podcast Food with Mark Bittman.

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Time. It's always vanishing.
The commute, the errands, the work functions, the meetings, selling your car?

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Let's move on to lighter topics. I just wanted to ask you, obviously, we've done some incredible things on the journey of this podcast.
We've done live tours, we did a physical book of your book,

we did the HBO special. I was just wondering what some of your best memories or highlights of the project have been.
There have been so many, James.

I mean, I think sitting down and writing that first set of words, Blinda blinked. It wasn't a dream.
The job interviewer had just asked her to remove her blouse.

Must be the highlight of the whole thing for me. So right at the beginning, nothing else since.
Yes, yes.

And seeing what that produced

is phenomenal. I mean, it's absolutely unbelievable.
Yeah, like you couldn't have expected where it would be. No, no, no, no.

So beyond the writing of the actual first chapter, which obviously without that, we wouldn't have a show.

What are some other kind of highlights along the way for you? I certainly enjoyed Australia.

That was good touring in Australia because they're very friendly out there. And that's not to say that the UK or the USA aren't.
It's just different because I think we were there, was it springtime?

Yeah,

we unfortunately had those fires, which is a real, real shame. But

because you're never in the audience, are you? You always sit in a very special, secret side of stage bit.

So at Sydney Opera House, uh you don't always have the best view, but I feel like what you get to do is watch the audience. Yeah, I really know I sit behind a big thick curtain and just listen.

So it's really like a podcast for you every night. It is absolutely.

And is it true that mum, like on this last tour, mum would sit with you and you'd listen to it together, and then at a certain point, mum would just slink off and go downstairs to the dressing room because she'd want to listen to it.

She has never, thank God, heard the last five words of the latest

live show. Live show.

It's quite blue. Yeah, it was quite blue.
But you know, that's what's interesting about these books. You know, they are about women, though.
You know, they're about the Glee team.

They're about Belinda. Why did you write pornography from a woman's perspective? Well, you've told me about the Bechter factor.
The Bechtel test, yeah. The Bechtel test was.
The Bechter factor. Yeah.

Well, I prefer to call these things because I always change things a bit just to... stop the lawyers from getting too much

wise. Yes.

So I'm a very big feminist. I mean, I really should have been born a woman, but I wasn't.
So there you go. It had to be about women.
Do you feel like Belinda Blinked is a feminist novel? Yes.

And did you ever have creative ambitions? Because obviously you've always worked in quite labour-intensive jobs. Like, did you always wanted to be creative?

Well, I think I've always been creative in my private life by doing gardens and all this sort of thing. Seemingly, I'm Wilma says I'm one of the best landscape gardeners around.

You are, you've done mine.

You do a beautiful job. Yes, and that's just basically, I mean, I get all the people who do the heavy work now.
Wilmer does all the lifting of the soil.

She's better at all that, yeah. Yeah, yeah, because I do the technical type direction of the walls.

Those little hands, they're good at digging earth, aren't they? Absolutely fantastic.

Not to turn this into a family counselling session, but we've been doing this for a long time together now, the four of us. And I sense a little change in your relationship with Jamie.

I feel like having a project together has been a nice thing. Absolutely.
The last project we had together was when he plastered or pointed the walls of our house in France, which was a three-year job.

Yeah. And quite a different job to reading your pornography last year.
It's artistic, very autistic. I mean, I tell you, you think building is not artistic.

It's one of the most artistic things in the world you can do. That's what this episode's about, man.
You're creating something for a long time in the future. Yeah.

Which is what we've done with these books and this podcast and all the live shows and all the rest of the stuff that you guys will be doing in the future. Oh, oh, oh, that was very restrained of you.

Very good.

So, do you think that because a lot of people I hear think it's kind of laughable that a son reading his dad's pornography out loud would be something that would bring you closer together, but I think it has.

I mean, how would you describe how your relationship is now eight years on?

Um, Jamie is a very complex individual. Oh, my goodness, could not agree more.
Could not preach, preach, and as a result, he has to be approached gently

about many things.

I give you the analogy of walking over eggshells without trying to make a noise. Wow.
Diva. Diva, are you talking about?

I mean, just before you arrived this morning, I would say he was having a bit of one of those moments. He should have been here last night when we were putting the gate on.
My God.

Oh, I was telling him about that fucking gate, Dad.

So, yeah, he's a complex character, but at the end of the day, he has a very, very, very attuned sense of humour. Yes, he does.
Yes. and that's what brings him his

genius in putting all this lot together and delivering it to our fans. Oh, there we go.
Okay, so that's nice. So, you're hard work, but you're funny.
Diva, but you have a kind of superpower.

I never said diva.

I said

complex eggshells.

Complex eggshells. You're a complex egg.

You're a complex humpty-dumpty. Okay.
I suppose that's fair. And if I am that way, there's only one place I got it from, and that's you.

And it's very complex. Indeed.
I mean, everyone's complex. And I think that's the thing that, yeah, we've learned so much more about each other in every way imaginable during this show.

Like you say, Al, we've been travelling the world together. We're business partners.
I read your porn. There's many levels that we're working at here.

But I'm really glad that we did it. Are you glad that you wrote these books? Absolutely.
And, you know, Belinda Blink is cathartic.

I had to get all this stuff written down that I had experienced in my lifetime before I forgot it all.

So it's essentially a diary, is what you say. It's an autobiography.
Autobiography, no, it's not, Dad. Don't be silly.
But some of it is autobiographical. It's all true, Alice.
Yeah.

Even the Hump and Skunk. Absolutely.
That would wore her books.

I mean, poor old Des Martin. He doesn't stand a chance in the real world, that guy.

And he's my favourite RSM, by the way, if you want to ask that question. Okay, good to know.
Ken Hughes was a close second. I love his cellar in Leeds.
That was a real story, actually.

We actually lived above that cellar. when we lived in Leeds.

Well thanks for telling the authorities. Turned out the guy below was actually a copper.
Oh my god.

Got him sacked.

Really? Oh God Christ.

Is there anything you'd like to say? Obviously everyone's going to be listening to this episode. Everyone finally wants to hear Rocky Flintstone's voice.

What would you like to say to all the readers, the listeners out there? This is your platform. It's been a privilege, to be honest with you, to help people through the sadder times of their lives.

The pandemic, of course, wrought havoc with people.

They didn't get to see any of their friends for maybe two years because they couldn't leave the building, because they're one way or another affected by this horrible

thing.

So, no, it's been a privilege to be of service to mankind in that, and you guys have helped spread the message really, really good. I agree with you, though.
Privilege is a good word.

I think we've sort of accidentally, I don't think we could necessarily have predicted it, created a community, created a big gang, and people come to us for escape, and that feels like something really special that we can offer, doesn't it?

Yeah, and one of the things about the podcast coming to a conclusion is you can't keep going forever.

It's a fantastic time to bring the podcast to an end because Belinda has succeeded beyond her wildest dreams. She's now in charge of this mega maniac business corporation.
You said it. Yeah, yeah.
And

it's amazing. And I don't want the fandom to think that's the end.
It's not the end. Something else will happen in a different, slightly different way.
Exactly.

And whilst we may not release the podcast anymore because it's a really good place to end, I don't see any reason why I should stop doing what I do. Absolutely not.
Well, we've tried stopping you.

If we haven't stopped you by now, we're not going to stop you from here on in, are we? So, watch this space, guys. There you go.
There's a tease. There's a thread.

Do you feel like, as a writer, you're going to leave a legacy behind? Yes, because anyone who writes anything will leave it behind because you...

We are not staying in this earth forever. I've got another 10 years approximately before I lose my marbles.

Maybe some of them. Seems that happened a while ago.
Well, exactly.

You've got to find them first.

So that's an inevitable situation. But in the meantime, I can do a lot of stuff.
What an adventure though, hey, Rocky. Hasn't it been amazing? That's been amazing.

Because like, you know, to Alice's point.

So many people around the world have read your books and been inspired by Belinda, whether it's through artwork, people have recorded their own songs. Do you remember that pomegranates and rivers?

What does it feel like to kind of have created a piece of work that has inspired other people? And not just people that you know, people that you'll never meet. I think it's your duty.

I think it's all our duties to inspire all the people. Why should we're lucky? We've been rewarded financially in a small way by doing it.

But the bigger goal is to bring people love and laughter, which is what I think we've done. Absolutely.
Couldn't agree more.

And hope that one day they too will rise above life is shit, but we all move on. There's another blend of big reference.
That's true.

I've got that in my toilet. It's a big inspiration.
And also, because it's like, you know, you were in your 60s when this all happened.

What would you say to people whose lives maybe hadn't panned out the way they'd hoped and that they think that their time's past? No, you have to have supreme confidence in yourself.

There's no doubt about it. And you guys have it because you do other things outside of this podcast, which you have to stick your neck above the parapet and do every day of your lives.

So it's all about being confident in what you do. Now

you will never be 100% successful, anything you do, but if you need that 1% grain of success and challenge it correctly and guide it and make it work for you, be it buying your retirement home in the countryside or buying yourself a horse that you can love and ride and all this sort of stuff.

achieving your small goals which might then lead to bigger goals you might decide you buy your horse then you've got to buy a little field for it to live in so you buy a little field then you think, oh, I'm enjoying this.

I'll do a podcast on riding horses in my field and become a multi-million dollar YouTuber. There you go.
I'm going to buy a horse. It's decided.
Toffee apple chew. Yes.
So never give up, basically.

Never give up a message for Robert Flitstone. And buy a horse.
And buy a horse. And never bank on where you think the answer's going.
I mean, never.

I mean, I hope that this has really given context to the books. You can almost see the moment it starts to go off the tracks, can't you? Yeah, what's it called? Is it called aquaplaning?

You know, when the car is just sort of like it hits the skids runaway train runaway for sure you are a runaway train in human form now dad have you brought your harmonica with you i have i never go anywhere

we can't end the episode without a blast from rocky all right now i might be a bit rusty that's all right i asked you earlier like have you ever played the theme tune and you don't think you have but you thought you might be able to have a crack at it yeah but i don't know the theme too well i only listened to the podcast once so i don't know the theme tune very well at all rocky flintson is going to play us out with his combos.

I think it's the only way. And he can play an old favourite to warm up with, maybe.
Oh, that's brilliant. Oh, oh, he's back.
He's got it.

It's so shiny. What's in the repertoire? A lot of Irish stuff, a lot of Austrian Irish stuff,

a bit of French stuff.

Anything with names or just stuff? No, just stuff. Okay, okay.

Because you won't recognise if I do stuff. Well, because it's a famous song from the books.
I don't suppose you can play Will You Go, Lassie Go. I could try and do that sort of stuff.
Okay.

Oh, wow.

It's really good. And sort of the right level of kind of melancholy as well.
Bittersweet. It is.

Okay. I mean, I guess that brings us to the end, then, right? Yeah.
We've asked the questions, we've done the the harmonica, that's everything. We can't top that.

So yeah, Dad, I just want to say... Have you prepared some words? I have, of course.
Speech, speech.

I just want to say a massive thank you, Dad, for coming and joining us today, but also a massive thank you for Belinda.

And thank you for letting us do this show. You know, from the first time...
I mentioned the possibility of maybe reading your interesting erotica to the world, you've been nothing but supportive.

supportive. And Emma Thompson said when she met you that you had a great generosity of spirit and Dame Mem pretty much nailed it, I think.

You've always been so gracious and an incredible sport, no matter how much we've ribbed you and taken the piss a little bit.

And I think what maybe people don't know out there is that we're a family. You know, it's not just me and you, but these two as well.

We've shared some incredible experiences together from playing Yahtzee on a balcony in Boston to getting quite drunk in the dressing rooms of the Sydney Opera House.

House, remember that, and it has just been the greatest adventure. So, I'm so proud of you, Dad.
I've loved working with you and getting to know you even better over the past eight years.

It really has been an incredible privilege to travel the world with you and mum and to see you being adored by millions of people all over the globe. You really do deserve it.

And you've shown that it's never too late to make an impact on the world. And the amount of joy that you've brought so many people is pretty inspiring.

And I'm really proud that I get to call you my dad. And

with that,

try and do the theme tune, dad. Do your best.

Wow, that was terrible. Terrible.
To Rocky Blake's third, everybody. Cheers.
Cheers, Rocky. Thank you so much.
It's been a pleasure. No, it's been our pleasure.

And so that's it. We've reached the end.
So, for me, Jamie, Alice, James, and Rocky, thank you so, so much for listening. And that is the end of my dad wrote a porno.

Hi, folks, it's Mark Bittman from the podcast Food with Mark Bittman.

Whole Foods Market is your holiday headquarters with everything you need, whether you're a guest or hosting the big dinner, with show-stopping centerpiece means like bone-in spiral cut ham or bone-in rib roast or even king crab.

And if you want to take a few shortcuts, no one is looking after all, try the heat-neat sides from the prepared foods department.

Shop for everything you need at Whole Foods Market, your holiday headquarters.

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