The Finale - Part 1

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The following podcast contains adult themes, sexual content, and strong language.

Basically, all the good stuff.

Six books.

Eight years.

One hundred and twenty-two episodes.

430 million downloads.

But only one, Belinda.

This podcast has been an incredible ride, but all bad porn must come to an end.

It's not without a heavy heart that we say this, but my dad wrote a porno is coming to an end.

It comes.

What?

I know.

You said you were going to email Kenny.

Shit.

Surely this should be a free decision.

No, I'm joking.

But we knew you would do it till our dying day, and we couldn't have that.

Have we told dad?

We have told Dad.

I mean, in a way, we could have that.

Like, we could have been wheeled to our sort of communal pile of books and microphones in the old people's home when we were, I mean, Jamie, you and I, 75, 80.

Yeah, James, 105, 107.

Shut up.

It was...

It was a possibility, wasn't it?

Well, certainly with the amount that Rocky's written, we could have kept going forever.

The books will never end.

Never.

But we have decided we must.

It's time, guys.

It's time.

There are major TV series that don't make it this far.

Name one that has.

Well, quite.

Honestly.

It feels as though there are lots of reasons why we would keep doing it, but we have to draw a line somewhere.

This feels like the right time.

Guys, we want to be like cool and end.

You know, like Fleabag and the office.

Oh, hang on, they had two.

We've had six.

Do you remember when we said that we were like oh yeah faulty towers only had 12

which is my guiding light for all creative projects jamie's right like all of the cool kids they only had like half an episode and we've had a lot but it's sad it's really sad

like i don't think we could have ever ended it and thought Yay, like, it's always going to be like a bit of motion.

Which is why at the end of every book, I mean, you particularly, Jamie, we don't say it until you've said you'll do it.

Yeah.

And a lot of people have been saying, guys, you haven't said, you haven't said book seven.

Book seven, right?

I know.

I check the tweets.

I check the emails.

So I know this will be unwelcome news to a lot of people.

Yeah.

But you know, the back catalogue's there.

Just listen from the start again.

You know, honestly, this.

I wonder how, if you listen back to back to every episode,

how long it would take you?

I haven't actually done that maths.

It would certainly expose us, I think, repeating stories and not knowing how we're doing.

No, hey, come on now.

Um, yeah, I wonder how long that would take.

I haven't done the maths, leave it with me, and I'll figure it out.

You know, I know you will.

Must be a couple of days at least.

Can you imagine?

That's like torture.

Yeah, that's like full-on.

Hearing your squawk for that lot.

I can't, I can't.

Hearing your squawk.

Hearing your squawk.

Hearing your swawk.

This is why it's ending.

So, yeah, so that's, but I've got a point of, you know, we aren't going to be reading any more books, but we're only going to hive because we've got two special episodes that we'll be reading this week and next week.

And guys, and this is really exciting.

This is the bonus.

Unprecedented.

Yes, we will be recording a very special footnotes with the main man himself.

Mr.

Rocky Flintstone will be on mic.

O-M.

I know.

The voice.

of the author himself, the man of mystery.

He finally gets a right to reply.

What are we doing?

Why have we allowed this?

The voice that crashed a thousand cars

um yes so it's it is sad but it's you know it's a happy sadness if that makes any sort of sense you know we're so proud of this show but very rocky

it's a it's a happy kind of sad

um but yeah we just think it's time to hang up the mics uh but not before we read A little bit more, Belinda.

Do we hang them up?

I was going to say, we don't hang them up.

But by the wire, that'll break them.

I think that's actually really not good because these are quite expensive.

So, well, they're not.

They are the cheapest motions.

But I wouldn't hang them by that.

I actually unplug the wire, otherwise, it will break the wire.

So I certainly wouldn't hang them.

I hang them.

Okay, we need to have a word about them.

It's a bit a little too late.

Does anyone feel like it's been, what, eight years we've been doing this?

Yeah.

Do you feel like your life has changed in any way?

I feel like I'm the same person.

I mean, yeah, honestly.

As when I started.

We're still around the kitchen table.

We're still just wanging on about porn.

Yeah, the consistency is admirable.

Shocking, really.

Why haven't we

got married, had children?

Everybody else has had a life in these eight years.

We've always been available to record.

There's never been an episode where it's like, sorry, I can't.

I've got other things to do.

And all the emails we get that are like, you've soundtracked my life.

You've been there on the day that my boyfriend proposed.

You've been there when I moved cities.

You've been there when I got the job promotion.

Where are our big life moments?

Oh, no, come on.

We...

James got locked out that time.

Yeah.

I got dumped a few times.

Yeah, you did.

No, we've had an amazing, amazing run with this show.

You know, we've toured the world.

We did an HBO show.

We've done some good things.

But we're still here.

I thought that was going to change my life.

But obviously, you know, we're laughing through it, guys.

You know, you do have to laugh through trauma.

But there are two specials.

And I think that the next one might be the emotional one, guys.

I think let's, you know, read some porn.

Yeah.

Try and enjoy it.

If you don't laugh, you'll cry, as they say.

I am so going to cry next episode.

Well, for us, this felt like a good time to kind of, for for us to stop reading, right?

Because Belinda's obviously now about to take over Bish Hurstalong.

Yeah.

So it's like she's going into a new chapter, and so are we.

Oh man, very nice.

I feel like that.

It does feel really real.

Yeah, I know.

And also, you know, we can't kind of talk about it with much detail, but we aren't going away forever.

Oh, really?

What's he got planned that we don't know?

There are things a cooking, guys.

Come on.

Yeah, no, you're right.

There are plans afoot, but we can't talk about things.

It's not the end of My Dad Rotoporno.

It's just the end of doing the podcast.

Yes.

Also, you know, we do this, what, once a year?

Yeah, honestly.

I mean, it's not going to change your lives that much, guys.

Come on.

Who do we think we are?

Adele?

I had to get an Adele reference in the finale.

Sorry.

Oh, my God.

There will be people who are like, really?

I have to listen again to one through six.

There are also so many people who come up to us and say, oh, is that still on?

So, you know.

Some people would be crying.

Some people would be like, oh, God, it's finally ending.

I thought that ended years ago.

It's actually cooler not to have a a podcast these days, so that's why we're stopping.

So, are we ready to dive into Belinda Blinked for the penultimate time?

Oh my god, are we?

I can't believe it.

Yeah, this is weird.

But next week, next week, next week.

Isn't the end?

Okay, Belinda Blinked.

No, I can't.

The official Steels Pots and Pans Belinda Blubenthal leaving party.

Oh, okay.

The brevity of title we've come to love.

I didn't take in enough air to do that.

The official Steals Pots and Pans Belinda Blumenthal Leaving Party.

Okay.

Yeah, it would have been remiss, wouldn't it, to not give her a send up?

Oh, yeah, yeah.

And also, if that's the title of the party, the banner is going to be huge.

Oh, but they're going to run out of, you know, big pen.

Like, it's going to have to go around the corner.

I mean, this is an absolute testament to Rocky's writing that we've probably spent eight years discussing five months of a woman's life.

Wow.

How can it be so in-depth and so specific, yet completely vague and factual?

It's amazing, isn't it?

It's quite a skill.

It's a talent.

It's quite a skill.

A cool winter breeze ruffled the follicles of Belinda's fake mane.

Oh?

What?

She wears a wig.

Is she a furry?

You know, there's people that dress up as furry animals.

Like Mr.

Husband in the background goon.

Oh yeah, he was a furry.

So either she's wearing a full-on wig or she's got extensions.

Do people still wear like clip-on extensions and things like that?

I'm sure they do.

Do they?

Oh, James.

She had long been a fan of extensions.

So she's got clip-ons in.

Be it hair or cocks.

You can't clip on extra cock though, can you?

I think an extension

being an erection.

Oh, okay.

Fine.

Maybe we shouldn't stop.

You're still not getting the really low-hanging fruit, guys.

As there's only two to go, I'll let it pass.

I won't miss that dead-eye seriousness that sometimes addresses you with.

Like an erection.

Well, I just thought that was the obvious way to go, but you still talk about clip-on cocks, but okay, fine.

Her large eyes looked out over the ocean.

Oh, which ocean?

She's got massive eyes and clip-ons, lovely.

A pensive wandering trampling over her beautiful face.

Pardon?

Twampoling.

A pensive.

A pensive fiv.

Twampolin.

Did I say twampolit?

There was some sort of wobble that I wasn't happy with.

So it's just quite an unusual sentence.

Okay.

Her large eyes looked out over the ocean, a pensive wondering trampling over her beautiful face.

Yeah, that's word soup, isn't it?

It was a big day.

Next paragraph.

Of course.

I don't need to know anymore.

After being appointed PCOEO.

P-C-O-E-O.

What will it be something to do with...

CEO.

It's like he's overcomplicated CEO, I think.

And does this mean at Bish?

Yes.

Okay.

So yeah.

After being appointed PCOEO, President and Chief Operating Executive Officer of Bisch Hairsterling.

That's about as high as it gets, surely.

MD PCOEO.

Belinda had summoned her nearest and dearest colleagues for one

last hip-hop hooray.

Hip-hop hooray.

Hip-hop hooray.

It's a hip-hop themed leaving party.

I really hope it is.

Looking forward to Rocky negotiating this.

His area of expertise.

The invite has been vague.

Tense change, okay.

Essential.

Passport.

Oh.

Non-essential.

Bad breath, small talk and clothing.

So she doesn't mean non-essential, she means don't.

Not desirable.

Yeah.

Not desirable, yeah.

Is that all the invite says?

When you say vague, it doesn't say date, location, time.

It just says bring your passport.

To wear?

With you at all times.

Also, like that is beyond a notch.

It's like when people have, like, stag do's abroad and things like that.

Well, as we've discussed before about, like, abroad weddings and things, you have to.

I'm so bad, that's still catching on.

I mean, destination wedding.

No, abroad's better.

I get messages all the time about abroad weddings.

People telling me that they're on abroad weddings, I'm like, please, I don't need to know because I just got in your head.

I've never approved that terminology.

Do you know what I always get messaged about?

Fucking talking cats.

I once referenced a cat that said hello in my garden.

People just send me videos all the time of cats saying hello.

I don't think

so.

It was funny the first time.

But please give us one blast of that cat because I do love that cat voice.

Hello.

Oh, I do remember that.

Yes, yes, yes.

And your old flat.

Old, old flat.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

That's literally all,

yeah.

What do you get, Jamie?

Um, a lot of bottom flannels.

Yeah.

Mainly bottom flannels for me.

What do you mean, a lot of pictures of bottom flannels?

No, just, oh my god, I was around someone's house and they had a bottom flannel.

I'm like, yes, they do exist.

And obviously a lot of stuff about the club theatre in Val Harris.

Oh God.

Well, it'd be good for you wrapping the bottom flannel community.

So good.

Someone asked me on a date once and said, we can play paints.

Oh, but

I hope you said yes.

I did, yeah.

That's good.

Polly knows all the rules.

Famously.

As she tanned her brown skin in the inclement sunshine, her mind reminded her of all the adventures she'd creamed over.

Oh my god.

From Mistress Sweet Juice's acrobatics to RSM fuckfests.

She'd done it all.

God, he's doing the greatest hits.

He's doing his own greatest hits.

It's a montage.

And had zero regrets.

Just to jump back a bit.

What did you say?

Inclement sunshine.

The inclement sunshine, yeah.

Isn't inclement bad?

I think it's damp.

It's like cold.

Wet and wet.

You can still have sunshine in the cold and wet, guys.

Does he mean like, I don't know, temperate?

Does he mean like...

Temperate.

He means temperate.

Temperate.

He means temperate.

Temperate.

So she'd done it all and had zero regrets.

That's hard to believe.

It was time to leave steals behind, the wind told her.

Oh, it's sort of like, you know, the trees are rustling and whispering.

The wind is...

Like that bit in Pocahontas and all the leaves fly around.

Exactly, exactly.

New character alert, the wind.

Gorgia, the wind's talking to her now.

It's time to end it, guys.

For the invitees, the flight had been quite a challenge in blindfold use.

So they had blindfolded on the plane the whole way.

Oh, so maybe that's why it was so vague an invite.

They actually don't know where they're going.

But they didn't even know what airport to go to, so God knows how they got on the plane.

Well, they are very close to Heathrow.

Oh, yeah, probably is Heathrow, to be fair.

But on the plane, when the pilot's like, thank you for boarding the 2404 to Tenerife.

What are they like?

Yeah, don't do it, don't do it.

Also, fucking terrifying.

Like, I need to look out of the window on a plane so I can see what it's doing.

If I'm blindfolded, I can see what it's doing.

Why?

Well, you know, when it gets bumpy and turbulence and things like that, I need to check the wing's not falling off.

See, I'm opposite.

I think you can't change it, just get that blindfold on.

Oh, my God.

I'm asleep, so I don't know if I can.

Yeah, that's true.

I'm asleep on the dharma.

You've used the human blindfold, which are your eyelids.

So it'd be quite a challenge in blindfold use.

But thanks to the Norse gods, the majority of the guests had survived.

Majority?

Who's dead?

Belinda knew from life that that if you know where you're heading, you won't have as much fun when you land.

I think that's definitely not true.

Yeah, I think you need a goal.

You need somewhere to be going.

If you know where you're heading, you don't have as much fun.

That's just, that's just ridiculous.

Get that on a t-shirt.

Belinda knew from life that if you know where you're heading, you won't have as much fun when you land.

So that was that.

And I won't be questionable.

That was that.

It's very like, and please shut up.

It's almost like he's anticipating now that we would tear that down.

Everyone had 23 minutes to freshen up.

And after the full body customs check and without much ado, we're ready for the festivities.

Bang on the allotted spreadsheet time.

Has Rocky ever been on a plane?

Sorry.

Where's the 23 minutes happening?

So everyone had 23 minutes to freshen up.

Where?

Doesn't specify.

But this is still on the plane or in the airport.

I think maybe we've landed.

So everyone had 23 minutes.

They've got the plane toilets.

I don't want 23 minutes to have a plan.

Before they go through customs, they wet, wipe, and change.

In that loo that's always got a massive queue because everyone's got off the plane.

Also, they were advised not to bring clothes.

So what are they changing into?

How are they freshening up just in the sink like a bird bath?

I guess, yeah.

Hoorse bathe.

That's what they say, isn't it?

Bottom flannels unite.

So everyone had 23 minutes to freshen up.

After the full body customs check.

No, why?

What?

Why are they getting a cavity search?

Everyone got that.

The survivors.

Also, just look at, they're naked.

Just look at them.

No, they're not naked.

Are they naked?

They were told not to bring clothes.

They weren't essential.

Oh, it was non-essential.

Okay, yeah.

So just got blindfolds on, completely naked on this flight.

Cool.

It's right in there for you.

Probably charge you to wear clothes.

Yeah.

So they've had all had 23 minutes in what are, frankly, rancid bathrooms.

I don't know where they are, but probs.

Then they go through customs, have an anal program.

Yeah.

And without much ado, we're ready for the festivities.

Bang on the allotted spreadsheet time of 21.37 p.m.

That's very specific.

Mental.

Absolutely mental.

Also, they've had an invite and they've been sent a separate spreadsheet.

With detail.

With very, very specific detail.

Also, 21.37 p.m.

doesn't exist.

Oh, because 21 is.

All right, smart ass.

Wow, you know, PM and AM.

Cool.

With the 24 o'clock, Alice.

I honestly don't.

It's why I say noon and midnight, because I never know.

Yeah.

Belinda had had dear bosom buddy Chiara Montague design her knockout frock.

Oh, lovely.

Honouring her past employment.

As such, Belinda was dressed as a sexy version of the Colander 360.

One of Steel's biggest sellers and Belinda's third favourite thing to flog.

Right, so I already have in mind what that might look like.

You know, like a poofy, like turn the colander upside down.

Yeah.

And it poo, like, with holes as a skirt, with holes in it, but like a poofy kind of.

I actually think 360 is a ranger IKEA, so that feels like dangerous territory.

Well, IKEA have stolen Belinda Blinkt, so I mean, so many things are there called Belinda Blumped.

Oh, yeah, there was a pole called Blum de Blanced or something, and we're like, hmm, seeing

what he did there.

Um, so yes, she was dressed as a sexy version of the Colander 360, one of Steele's biggest sellers, and Belinda's third favorite thing to flog after the non-stick tin wok and her resident sex slave.

Oh, very good.

Flog.

The silver material of her dress sparkled as fractions of light hit it.

Fractions.

Oh, I haven't got time.

James, eight years.

Give yourself a break.

Sooner we could get it done, the sooner we can leave.

The silver material of her dress sparkled as fracts.

Like quarters and eighths and stuff.

As fractions of light hit it.

And it was covered in strategic holes, exposing forbidden flesh.

So like she'll have a boob through one, maybe.

The setting for dinner was extravagant extravagant and elaborate.

Where are we?

Still haven't told us.

I don't know.

That's not on the schedule.

No, yeah.

We know it's coastal because she was on the beach at the beginning.

So the setting for dinner was extravagant and elaborate.

Befitting of a sales director who had given everything from bodily juices to her life.

I mean technically not, but yeah, I mean.

There were velvet strips dribbling from the ceiling.

Velvet strips?

Of what?

Fabric?

Ribbon, does he mean?

I guess.

Ribbon.

Yeah, I just imagine it's like bits of velvet cut into strips and stuck on the ceiling with a cellar table.

How elaborate.

So there were velvet strips dribbling from the ceiling.

Dribbling.

And lovingly well-used chairs decorously thrown along the long MDF top to make it even longer.

Carved table.

Sorry, it's a beautiful carved table and they've put a piece of MDF over the table.

To be fair, if you've ever had like, you know, big Christmas dinner, people will be doing it around this time of year where you have to extend, don't you?

You have to balance another table at the end of your other table and then put a tablecloth over it to make it look like it's a big table.

Yeah, dad has a huge bit of plywood that is just the Christmas table.

Yeah, but they've paid for a venue, like an extravagant venue, and they put MDF on the table and stuck bits of velvet to the ceiling.

And thrown chairs everywhere.

He bloody loves a chair, doesn't he?

He bloody loves a chair.

But why are they scattered and on their side and like upturned?

Decorously thrown along.

If you throw a chair, it doesn't land on on its feet, does it?

So they've thrown them down the hallway, do you say?

Down the table.

They've thrown them down.

Oh my god, it's going to look like it's been ransacked.

It's just a pile of chairs at the end of the chair.

And everything's going to be smashed.

Like you throw a chair at a table, like all that glassware is going to be all over the floor, cutlery everywhere.

Cool.

Oh, that's what she would have wanted.

And has she done this?

Because obviously they've just arrived.

So who's...

No, I imagine it's like an event planner who's like, so obviously we will be throwing the chairs down the table before you arrive.

Is it like smashing plates?

You know, like a girlfriend.

Maybe it's cultural.

Maybe it's cultural.

We don't know where we are.

What do you think?

They set the table and then throw the chairs or do they throw the chairs and set the table?

James, it's not for me to comment, but if that is what happens in your culture, I completely endorse it.

As Belinda entered, the bottoms occupying the chairs

rose to their sequined hoofs and clapped.

It's Toffee Apple Chew.

On the table.

They cheered and cried and generally were nice.

The huge aha.

Don't say aha.

The huge.

We'll judge if it's an aha.

We'll do the reactions here, all right?

You just read the book.

He still doesn't know, does he?

Just say the words.

And what's the format again?

The huge dining hall on the banks of Brazil's majestic capital, Rio de Janeiro.

Aha!

Am I allowed to point out that Rio de Janeiro isn't the capital of Brazil?

Brasilia is but an administrative capital.

It hasn't got the majesty of.

Rio is maybe the, would you say the cultural capital?

I'd say the hub.

So it's on the banks of Rio.

What was it?

The banks of Rio de Janeiro.

Yeah, the majestic.

The banks.

What do you mean, the banks?

The huge dining hall on the banks of Brazil's majestic capital, Rio de Janeiro.

What do you mean the banks?

Not the banks tonight.

I'm not saying the banks.

The banks, like the banks.

The CBD.

Yeah.

The financial art.

It seemed like a branch of Halifax.

The huge dining hall.

On the banks of Brazil's majestic capital.

Please, what do you mean?

Rio de Janeiro looked the money tits.

The banks is generally of a river, right?

Yeah.

Like you would be on the banks of a river.

It's the ocean, isn't it?

Because there's the beach.

Right.

Ipanima beach, Copacabana Beach.

So it's on the beach.

It's on the coast.

It's the banks of the beach.

But it looked the money tits.

Glittering with candles and solid gold crockery.

Wow.

This makes steels look like scrap heap chic, mused Belinda.

Toes vibrating with excitement and sorrow.

What a combo.

We all express our emotions in different ways, don't we?

Excitement?

Because there was ice-cold Chardonnay.

Oh, lovely.

And colleagues.

Sorrow?

Because this was the last time she'd enjoy either.

Yes, from this day, it was German co-workers with their abrupt and direct communication style.

Oh, my God, sorry, Germany.

All washed down with Bavarian beer and Himberges.

Geist.

She can still drink Chardonnay.

They have Chardonnay in Germany.

What's a

Hemblisch Blosch?

What have you said?

Himber Geicht.

Himbergicht.

Oh, God, here we go.

James, come on, you're the German expert.

I wouldn't even know where to start.

Himber Geicht.

So him, then beer, then G-E-I-S-T.

It's an alcoholic drink, isn't it?

I'd imagine so.

It's a raspberry spirit.

Obviously.

God, every time I've been to Germany, they're all just swinging that raspberry liqueur.

Literally, never heard of it.

So, yes.

Never mind the language barrier.

Belinda was most worried about how her new colleagues would prefer to keep their private lives separate.

That is true, actually.

I work with somebody who's German, and there are very strict kind of cultural boundaries between work and social, which I think is actually quite good.

Oh, I would argue that Belinda's falling foul of many people's idea of what is exactly.

It's not just Germany, but

the way that you conduct yourself, dear.

Like, what on earth?

Like, we've got no book if they keep their personal and work life separate.

Like, there's no story.

Oh, we would have had to end anyway.

Yeah.

Productivity is sexy, yes.

But with no vag drilling on company time, was life worth living?

Well, exactly.

That's my sentiment, exactly.

Belinda looked at the plates of asparagus stalks with fish, foam, jew.

I think he means jew.

Has he put jew

D-E-W or J-E-W?

Jew?

Fish, foam, jew.

D.

Dieu.

D-U.

Fish, foam, dew.

The wind's just going to blow that away.

That's not structurally sound.

Has the wind blown it in off the sea?

That's called sea mist.

I think that might just be pollution, you know.

That's

scum foam, yeah.

Belinda had requested this dish specially because asparagus is nature's Viagra.

No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no.

No, it is.

It's an aphrodisiac.

No.

Asparagus?

Yeah.

Or makes it famously.

turn your pea.

Guys, we should really go back in the vault and get at that aphrodisiac episode.

Because I think you'll find that it's...

That's being deleted.

Asparagus is a turn on.

Oh, I do beg your pardon.

I always do it.

Is it not?

I think it is.

Maybe right, maybe right.

I don't know.

Made it reek.

I don't know why it would be, though.

No, Google it.

God, he's making me Google everything.

Oh, no, because now I'm questioning myself.

It's up there with, you know, chocolate and oysters, isn't it?

All right.

In ancient times, asparagus was

renowned as an aphrodisiac, and maybe for good reason.

It contains a stimulating blend of nutrients that help boost energy, cleanse the urinary tract, and neutralize excess ammonia.

Whoa!

Yes, in there.

Okay, so.

Belinda had requested this dish specially because asparagus is nature's Niagara and she needed tonight to end with a good old pounding.

Eat as you meant to go on, her brain reasoned.

What?

Eat as you meant to go on.

They're almost phrases, but they just missed the mark.

And by the time you've realised that they don't make sense, like so much time has, you know, like it's already moved on.

Yeah.

Which I think is what he's banking on.

On the banks every day.

And she's.

What does it mean?

What does he mean?

Looking down the long table.

with MDF top.

Belinda saw her career before her eyes.

Depressing.

Yeah, that motley crew.

Can you imagine?

Hello.

Hello.

Hello.

Why is there an echo?

They're on a bank.

It's a long table.

Hello.

Hello.

I imagine them in the open air.

Yeah, what's it?

Banging off?

I don't know, Sugarloaf Mountain.

Does it say that you've got an echo in the book?

Hello, hello, hello, yes.

So she could be going, hello, hello, hello, but you've decided it's an echo.

Yeah, you're right.

Hello, hello, hello.

Hey, hi, woo!

Well, no, because it's quite clever, because the first hello is in capitals.

It's not the second hello is in the colours.

Can you hear me?

That's not the clever tools.

And the third hello is just in all lowercase.

Is your voice getting lost on the window?

No, I use.

It's not covered.

Hello, hello, hello.

Valued colleagues, Eegs, Eagles, Eags.

Okay, it is an echo then.

Or she's saying, valued colleagues, Eggs, Eggs.

Why is it just the end of the word that echoes?

Why doesn't Cole echo?

Thanks for coming all this way, AA.

Way, a.

It's just for every sentence.

Oh my god, for the rest of the book.

It's a fucking speech.

So thanks for coming all this way, AA.

Wee, ee, yay, ye, yay.

We'll be coming for longer than that flight later on.

On, on, on.

Because they're in the same space.

No, Bella's voice is like a duck quack.

It doesn't echo.

Howled Bella, already seven Kaiperinias deep.

Oh wow.

Oh Bella, Ella, Ella.

A, eh, eh.

You're such a monkey's auntie.

Oh, Christ.

Right.

Sorry.

Are we not even into the speech yet?

You're such a monkey's auntie.

I can't even remember.

What did Bella say?

We'll be coming for longer than that flight later.

Right.

So Belinda said,

So Belinda said, thanks for coming all this way.

A-A-A.

We'll be coming for longer than the flight later on.

A-A-A.

Right.

Oh, Bella, Ella, Ella.

You're such a monkey's auntie.

Which is a what is a monkey's uncle?

What is a monkey's uncle?

What context do you use monkey's uncle in?

I just know it from the Lion King.

A monkey's uncle.

Isn't that doesn't scar say so?

Yeah, what does that make me?

A monkey's uncle.

Yeah, what does it even mean?

I don't know.

I've never used it, heard it used in this context.

Let's see what it actually means.

You're such a monkey's uncle.

You just

such a monkey's auntie.

No, well, exactly.

He's put it in the right gate.

It's used to express complete surprise, amazement, or disbelief.

Right.

It means.

Use it in a sentence.

Well, I'll be a monkey's uncle.

You're sort of shocked by something.

Oh, okay.

So, oh, Bella, you're such a monkey's auntie.

No.

You can say it with as much hope in your eyes as you want.

Not misgendering her, that's good.

Yeah, true.

Can you just read that last line again?

Oh, Bella, you're such a monkey's auntie.

Why doesn't that echo?

Yeah, I know.

They've opened the door.

So, Bella, you're such a monkey's auntie, Belinda continued.

But in all seriousness, I wondered how best to celebrate my steely demise and Bish Ascension.

Uh, un.

Oh, it's back.

It's back.

She spoke loudly, so even Ken Jewsbury at the back could hear her.

At first, first, first,

I thought a crack at the Guinness World Record for how how many people you can fucking one go could work.

What?

Are you?

Sorry.

Okay.

Oh, to celebrate her leaving.

She wants to, like, break her Guinness World Record.

But the rules stipulated that although 30 seconds constitutes a fuck, there's no obligation to come, mum, mum.

So what's the jiffing point,

Oint?

I don't imagine that Guinness used the word fuck.

So, basically, she's saying, I was going to do this Skinner's World Record, but there's no point because you can't come.

Oh, because you, oh, right, well, yeah, sure.

What's the jiffing point, oint, oint?

Grunts of agreement made their way down the table like a Brazilian-ish Mexican wave.

But really,

I just want to say thank you.

Thank you for hiring this scrappy little madam with business acumen as killer as her tits.

Echo's gone again.

This is an emotional bit.

Oh, sorry.

I'm just focused on the Echo.

She has business acumen as gilla as her tits.

Please cry.

I wouldn't have been able to achieve all I have without each and every one of you.

We made hay into lemonade.

And

ain't that the truth?

Who is she?

Jesus.

It's like, how did she do that conversion?

I don't remember that chapter.

Even he just made more of what he had, but to turn hay into lemonade, bloody hell.

he's got himself confused with two there hasn't he is she thinking of oat milk what does that what do you mean can you make a milk out of hay um i don't know you're right

i'm trying to help him but also i wouldn't say that here james that might be the next trendy milk keep it to yourself what would you do soak hay yeah

it's the oats it isn't the storks that make the milk dear

hay is just grass right so silage like silage is kind of like fermented hay, which you feed to cows.

But wait, cows eat the hay or the grass.

Yes.

And cows make the milk.

So if we cut out the middleman, which is the cow,

we've got hay milk.

We've got hay milk.

Hilk.

So we made hay into lemonade, and trust me, I'll give you very competitive franchise rights deals for all bish product lines when I take you all over.

Ha ha ha.

I bet that gets a laugh, though.

I'm not sure if that ha ha ha is a ha ha ha or ha ha ha ha on the echo.

Oh, what?

So she says one ha and then the ha.

I don't know.

Ha!

Joking,

inging, Belinda sast, creasing up her mouth like a sexy jack-in-the-box.

I like that Jamie moments ago said it's emotional.

I'm like, is it?

I thought it might be.

I thought it was going that way.

Please don't force me to feel things I don't feel.

And trust me, I'll give give you very competitive franchise rights deals for all Bish product lines when I take you all over.

Oh, I get it now.

It's hilarious, isn't it?

Oh, I'm sorry, I get it.

Oh, there you go.

There you go.

That was one.

Everyone laughed.

Oh, God, the echo is going to be mad.

Oh, my God.

The banks of Rio de Janeiro Janeiro are deafening.

Did they all laugh or did they all do one half?

It sounded like hysterical laughter.

Everyone laughed but knew their days of gameful employment were numbered.

Why?

But they're all going to lose their jobs.

Well, I guess because she's going to be so good at Bish that she'll run steals into the ground.

Right, okay.

None of them stood a chance with this ruthless new hair S of Bish hairstyling.

That would be clever if it didn't mean Mr.

Mr.

S.

Mr.

S.

Mr.

Mish.

Mr.

S.

Thank you.

Oh, wait a sec.

Is that by mistake, though?

So, sink or swim, fly or fall, suck or fuck, I move on and will forever cherish the memories of this little company in its sad little office outside Heathrow.

Oh, that was so nice just until that end bit.

Although, where's the lie?

To steals pots and pans.

Shall we?

Cheers.

Cheers.

To steal's pots and pans.

To steal the pots and pans.

All present drank on cue.

Their hay lemonade.

Seconds later, Des Martin started rummaging his hand in his trousers and took out his ocarina.

Oh.

In his trousers.

It's massive, isn't it?

An ocarina.

Is it a flute?

I'll show you a picture.

It's not what you think.

Is it like a,

what's that thing that the guy plays in Lady in the Trans?

No, that's a concert.

That's a accordion.

According to an accordion, yeah.

Sorry, that's what I'm thinking of.

An ocarina.

Oh no, an ocarina is that.

Oh no, we're all confused.

What's an ocarina?

What is it?

Show us.

I'm going to.

I have never seen that before in my life.

It's like a...

Why is it a whistle?

It's like a bird whistle.

It's like an ocarina.

It's like a fat little whistle.

It's an ocarina.

It's a four-hole ocarina.

If you're at home, Google Ocarina.

We'll put it on the Instagram.

It's like a sex toy.

It's like a spherical, a small spherical kind of whistle with holes in it.

It almost looks like Belinda's Colander 360 dress.

He's had that in his trousers the whole time.

If anyone listening plays the ocarina, owns an ocarina, we'd love you to get in touch.

Oh, yeah, I wonder how it sounds.

Are you telling me that's not a vibration?

That's a hairdryer.

So it must sound like a.

It must have like flute qualities.

Oh, yeah.

Can we maybe play a bit?

Yeah, let's have a look.

He loves a.

Dad loves a harmonica.

Harmonica, yeah.

So I guess this is like the Brazilian harmonica.

I don't know.

Where's it from?

That's a recorder, essentially.

It's essentially a recorder.

Okay, well, look.

So he got out his ocarina.

That isn't a euphemism.

He literally got out his ocarina.

Does sound like a euphemism.

A song for the best boss ever there was.

I hate hate him so much.

He said on an ocarina.

He said,

That's the tribute she deserves.

He said, before placing his lips to the hole and started to blow.

Of what?

You know, he doesn't like know how to play the ocarina.

I mean, all anybody can play on a recorder is when the saints go marching in.

So, what's he going to play that's appropriate?

The sweetest sound like honey

oozing off the hexagon hive filled the room.

Do we know the song?

Did we get the song title?

Oh, bloody hell.

All the Steel's people present stood once again.

They didn't get ocarinas out.

Saluted to Belinda.

Is it the national anthem?

And began to sing.

Okay.

Are you going to sing?

You play the ocarina.

You play the ocarina along to this.

You have it, I'll play it.

She's a boss.

But more than just a boss.

We're at a loss

for words because

we're losing our boss.

That's it.

I smell a billion streams on Spotify.

Oh my god.

If someone does play the ocarina at home, give us a melody.

If I just sing it again.

I love that you said that at home.

Stay in your house.

you do an accompaniment?

Not that that wasn't brilliant, Al.

Okay, so give us a clean version.

So,

and they're all singing this together.

It's kind of, yeah, like a national anthem.

It's very rousing.

Can you send us the words?

And we couldn't sing it.

And a one, two, three.

She's a boss,

but more than just a boss.

We're at a loss

for words because

we're losing our boss.

Kenny, it's it's not do they know it's Christmas.

Get your fingers out of your ears.

I did stumble there because it doesn't say because.

It says be accusy.

How that will ever sound nice.

He's missed out an A, has he?

I don't know.

No, it's a jumble.

It's an absolute jumble.

Are we in a musical where just everyone just knows this song that doesn't exist?

Have they pre-prepared this?

Well, I think because they all stood and were saluting to Belinda, they must have prepared this.

So, do they sing this every time a boss leaves the company?

Maybe.

Is this like the boss leaving song?

But it's so touchy when you look at the lyrics.

She's a boss, but more than just a boss.

We're at a loss for words because

we're losing our boss.

I like that he's rhymed loss with because.

Yeah.

Yeah.

That's actually really sad.

And we're at a loss for words.

It's kind of continuing the phrase on.

And it sort of explains why the song's only seven seconds long, doesn't it?

Because they're at a loss for words.

Is that a verse or a chorus?

I think that's just the song.

Oh, right, okay.

Everything.

It's a chant, more or less.

Tears were streaming down Belinda's eye holes.

Because it was so bad.

After that, really.

Maybe just the wind blowing into her eyes.

She'd never imagined that someone would write such a beautiful ballad about her one day.

But that one day was today.

Suddenly, all the champagne bottles burst free of their corks and bubbles flowed across the table of diners.

Why is it BRGest?

I was going to say, it's literally me in the beef.

Well, if that's not a sign, I don't know what is.

Yeah, that you've got a poltergeist.

Not that she's like the best boss in the world.

I'm lost for words.

The champagne's off, shortly.

That's not right.

Bella cackled.

It's too wet to soak in.

We'll all get wrinkly bits.

Everybody is stripped.

I thought they were naked.

They've not got any clothes.

Oh, yeah.

Bella wasted zilch time in wriggling out of her brown cocktail dress.

Brown?

It could have been any colour, couldn't it?

Brown.

And everyone everyone assembled followed her lead so we can't get over the brown cock she makes bad choices at every turn she does she really does it's an art form really it's amazing fucking was rudimentary for the steeles family it meant

family in this context yeah

yes family

it meant so much that to not do it would feel slightly odd

a bit like that sentence

it meant so much that to not do it would feel slightly odd.

Sorry, just on the family point, I was on Instagram.

Someone posted a picture with the caption, yes, family.

Oh, Jay.

Do you know who it was?

You're obsessed with this.

Have we not talked about this before?

Because he's always wanging on about it when we're not recording.

Lupita Nyongo.

Yes, because she was with her family.

I need to let it go.

She posted a picture with her family, yeah, but she posted.

Okay, it's an open and showcase.

With her family, yes, family.

No,

the caption was, yes, come a family.

That's not a phrase unless it's it's from Belinda Blink.

I'm just saying, I think she's given us signals.

Lupita, if you're listening,

we love you.

What do you mean it's not a phrase, yes, family?

Yes, family.

When have you said, yes, family?

So you think that she was putting out...

She's reaching out.

Do you know what she could also do on Instagram to reach out?

Reach out.

Like, she could literally find our profile and DM us.

She's not reaching out to you.

It's not a coincidence.

Do you know who is reaching?

James Cooper.

It's not a coincidence.

Literally the definition of a coincidence.

It's quite a long time ago now, and you're still talking about it.

We talk about it every time we see each other, actually.

I mean, we all love Lou Peter and young people.

I would just be thrilled if she did listen.

Yeah, well, she doesn't, so let's move on.

Imagine if Jane slipped into a DMs and was like, I saw the post.

Lou Peter.

I hear you.

I got the signal.

Lou Peter, you're welcome.

But before they could make try their bequest,

but before they could make try their bequest, before they could make try their bequest, Tony stepped forward.

I'm looking at Alice.

She's looking at me.

And I think we're in agreement.

Belinda, it's been an honour.

But you don't think we'd let you leave the company without a big present, do you?

Well, I hadn't thought about it, lied Belinda.

Well, here you go.

Tony handed her a brown envelope, like the ones you dread from HMRC.

I thought you were going to say, like Bella's cocktail dress.

Ripping it open, her eyes filled with water yet again

as she read its contents.

My bonus!

Oh!

I finally got it!

You didn't just get it, Tony smiled.

She did just get it.

You earned it.

Oh my god, I actually do feel emotional.

She caught her butt.

She caught her butt.

How much is it?

It doesn't stay.

He doesn't remember what he promised.

Five pounds.

I am actually shuffled to bits for her.

Oh.

Belinda beamed as the class of steel's pots and pans cheered and whooped her name.

Belinda.

Belinda.

Belinda.

Belinda.

Da, da.

Now let's fuck.

Screeched Bella.

Is there no one else who can speak there?

It's not her day, is it?

Already unhooking the flimsy bits of fabric over her big boobies.

Yes, one last fuck lust for the ages, agreed Giselle as she slinked out of her Belinda-themed dress.

Oh.

Have her face on it all.

So everyone's sort of got a different idea of what the dress code is.

Does that mean she's just wearing Belinda's clothes?

Because she's wearing a colander.

I would argue that actually...

You're more likely to fuck now because you don't work together.

That's how things usually work, isn't it?

Yeah, Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Don't look at me like that, Alice.

It's not going to happen.

Oh, now it all makes sense.

Next week, next week.

You two are the Ross and Rachel of this podcast.

Oh my God, it's been so long together.

I was like, what?

Before there was even a change in ambient lighting.

There's lighting.

Candlelight, surely.

The sun?

I was going to say maybe sunset.

Before there was even a change in ambient lighting.

You wouldn't allow that for very long, wouldn't it?

It's sunset, you know.

There's more holes in this than there are in that dress.

Before there was even a change in ambient lighting, Giselle had opened her never-ending legs.

And

just imagine them like sneaking into the sea.

Why is she such a squid?

Giselle, don't.

And also it doesn't sound like she's widening them, like

plying them apart.

It sounds like she's opening the legs up.

Yeah.

And also, I just imagine like tapering off, like they get really, really big as they go longer.

Giselle had opened her never-ending legs, and Tony had opened her labia with both fingers.

Lovely.

Both fingers.

Why's he only got two fingers?

Oh, so they're back on talking terms.

What, Tony and her labia?

No, Tony and Giselle.

Oh, yeah.

She left him.

We would take this to mean yes, wouldn't we?

This is the olive branch they were looking for.

So yeah, he opened her labby with both fingers.

He finger fucked his lady wife without a care in the world.

That's nice.

Yeah, the

one show.

Played on the ocarina.

Bella was equally accommodating with her vaginal cavity.

Maybe that's where the echo is coming from.

A cavity is an open hole.

Yeah.

Like it's not...

Like, why is it so

dental?

why is it so dental why is it always just so like unprotected and a gape

cover it over please

bella was equally accommodating with her vaginal cavity over the scattered limbs sex haze and moisture thickening the air belinda spied a body.

Oh, twist.

I thought we were just going to have a little fuckfest.

What do you mean a body?

It's got a body that had washed up on the banks.

Sorry, is he about to start a murder mystery?

Oh, God.

I wouldn't put that past him, you know.

He loves it, doesn't he?

He loves the mystery.

Belinda spied a body.

A man-body.

The man-body

she had desired ever since she started at Steel's pots and pans.

Okay, Pause.

Who?

She slept with everybody.

A man-body

who owned a face.

Why are they all like in bits?

Why is he just a potato head?

And all those limbs earlier.

A man-body who owned a face that made Belinda wring out her knickers.

A man.

No, can I have a minute?

Ring out her knickers.

The man-body

that had long been the apple of her ass.

The apple of her ass.

Apple of her ass.

We get it.

She's fancied them for a long time.

She fancies the apple of him.

Peter Rouse walked from the shadows of fate like a man who meant business.

Wait a sec.

I thought that was going to be like a new character.

We haven't seen Peter for a long time, though.

But she's definitely had sex with him.

Yeah.

Well, it said that she desired him ever since she started as

she famously didn't wait a minute.

He has a face that makes a ring out of knickers

and he's long been the apple of her ass.

But she's been back to see him as well.

Oh, yeah, she went to his

office.

His offices, yeah.

She shacked his wife.

Such a bond.

I would argue that she hasn't held back.

We haven't seen him since, like, book two, though.

Yeah, it's the definition of been there, done that.

Wait, do we finally understand what the runes meant that you painted on?

Oh, probably.

Here we go.

Well, I've always felt like out of all of the relationships in the books.

Oh, my God, relationships.

That says a lot about you

does it um does it kind of i've always felt that like they were the the maybe the love match that there was something slightly deeper going on there yeah i know what you mean and she's very sort of throwaway with a lot of the people that she has sex with yeah and happily so but peter has i mean he lingered he's sustained hasn't he so peter rouse walked from the shadows of fate i'm imagining him walking out of the water Like sort of Ursula Andres style.

Like a man who meant business.

As he approached the throng, Belinda's pussy lit up like the black pool illuminations.

Well it is going to get dark so they will need a light.

He issued each Steel's employee a solid metal business card as he navigated their naked forms.

That's heavy to carry around isn't it?

That's slick though, right?

Yeah, but a quantity of them in your pocket will pull your trousers down.

That's what he wants.

That's true.

More the merrier.

Dialing in on Belinda's perfect eyeballs,

Peter Rowse stopped.

For Belinda herself, she was sworn that she had romantic closure with this human male.

Okay, look, I know that we're all saying, oh, we sort of saw this written in the stars, and like there was, you know, a description early on that suggested there's something else going on here.

He has let this go quite cold.

If this is

exactly

your dad for Peter, Rocky, like he's not exactly kept this one

on the heat, has he?

She hasn't seen him in about three months.

We haven't seen him in six years.

That's what I mean.

Because in the books, she probably has seen him relatively recently.

But yes, we haven't.

But what do you mean in the books?

Like, I don't give a fuck about in the books.

Like, I've basically forgotten about it.

Whom is Peter Frouse?

As the writer, you need to care what the reader feels too.

For Belinda herself, she was sworn that she had romantic closure with this human male.

Her wits felt similar, and even a contrarian brain agreed.

Sometimes I just can't get my head around it.

I'm like, what?

She hadn't seen him

since he had smeared her with odd mud symbols.

No, that's what she had.

Yeah, she's seen him in Amsterdam.

That's completely wrong.

Get your facts right, Rocky.

Oh my god.

But you know what?

Do you know what Jamie's defence is going to be?

No, that's what she remembers.

It's her truth.

It's her truth.

She had a whole trip to Amsterdam that was half of book two.

And it was essentially only spent with them.

I'm sorry.

I'm sorry.

The author disagrees with you.

The browsers formed a huge part of her sexual awakening.

She hadn't seen him since he had smeared her with odd mud symbols and entered her tenderly and passionately on the polystyrene sofa of the horse and jockey.

Polystyrene.

I think he means polyester.

Okay, come on, Rocky.

Come on.

The fact check is falling off a cliff in these last few sentences.

I would argue that other things have fallen off a cliff in this chapter as well.

All of a sudden, Peter Rouse did something to shut up even Belinda's interior chums.

Interior chums.

That'd be her wits and her contrarian brain.

Right.

Her eyes blew up up as she bore witness to him.

They blew up.

Blew up.

What do you mean?

What would that even mean?

Even though he doesn't mean it literally, what does it mean?

They lit up.

It means lit up.

Blew up like you blow up a balloon, maybe.

They get bigger.

Her vagina has lit up, but her eyes have blown up.

Her eyes blew up

as she bore witness to him coughing.

What the hell is going on?

And then folding his tall body southward.

His tall body south in half.

Bent in half, or he just fell over.

Bent in half.

Folded.

At the waist, like bent in the back.

Yeah, so that touched his toes.

So he

fell.

A very tall man.

I'm picturing a sort of Jacob Rhys Morgan sort of style of character.

Like a very long pencil bending over.

So she's agog.

Her eyes have blown up and all he's done is cough and bend over.

Sounds like he's having a medical.

And then folding his tall body southward, her gob opened uninvited.

Oh, God.

As Peter Rowse

got down on one

knee.

Shut up.

Wait, he's married already.

Right, hang on.

Rocky's going to pull the rug from under us.

He hasn't seen her.

We haven't seen him.

She hasn't seen him.

He's married.

He lives in Amsterdam.

Where's he been?

He could be tying his laces.

Oh no.

Belinda blinked.

Oh, Belinda blinked.

Has she blinked yet?

Oh, no.

No, drink, cheers.

Yes, yes.

Has anyone actually ever proposed to her before?

Not while we've known her.

That's all I care about.

Check the CV.

Belinda blinked.

Belinda,

will you marry me?

Wow.

James.

She's got a bonus and a proposal.

And that

is the end

of the chapter.

Jamie, describe what you see.

Oh, my God.

She's literally got goosebumps.

I was going to say goost.

Oh, we have had a wedding.

Not hers.

Tony and Giselle got married.

Yes, but they were already engaged, I think, before the books.

She's got chills.

She's got chills.

They're multiplying.

So, this whole thing could end on a wedding.

This whole thing could end in tears.

Is that Shakespeare, that a comedy ends in a wedding and a tragedy ends in death?

Well, this ain't Shakespeare, so who cares?

Those rules do not.

Michael Sheen would beg to differ.

I don't know.

I can't gauge whether she'll say yes or no.

We did meet Peter a couple of Christmases ago because he was trying for a baby, but that was in her mind.

Yeah, that was.

Yeah, so that doesn't count.

That was in her alter ego world.

Yeah.

So do join us next week, next Monday.

For the final bit of Rocky's writing that we'll ever read.

It's the final, final.

Final

thing.

Yeah, it's the final bit of Rocky will ever read.

Okay, let's make next week like that's that's the goodbye.

Should we dress up?

Should we get?

Well, should we have to get some drinks in as well?

Get some drinks in.

Should we have a party?

Should we do a listening party?

Like old time.

Yeah.

We have to.

Oh my god.

Guys, I'm honestly going to cry.

I don't know why, but it's not really hitting me yet.

I think next week I'm going to be on the floor.

I mean, I'd hope so, Al.

It's been eight years.

Okay, so keep an eye on socials for details of the listening party.

Yes.

Yes.

That's at Dad Rotiporno on Twitter, at MyDadRotat on Instagram.

Search My Dad Rotiporno on Facebook, all that shit.

And our email is and has always been my dadreporno at gmail.com.

I love that we never changed it from gmail.

Okay, so join us next week where we open Belinda Blinked for the very last time.

And then close Belinda Blinked.

And then we'll be closing it after.

Yes.

So you open it to read it, then close it.

That's how you read a book, James.

Yes.

And then see that.

See you next week.