My Dad Wrote A Christmas Porno 6 - Part One

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The following podcast contains adult themes, sexual content, and strong language.

Basically, all the good stuff.

Hello, and welcome to my dad Rotaporner, and the first of a double helping of Christmas cheer from Rocky's Pavilion.

And this year, we're really pushing the boat out because we're in an iconic venue.

Can you hear?

This sounds a bit different.

Does it sound different?

We haven't switched James's fridge off.

Is that why?

We are recording at Abbey Road Studios.

Yeah, baby.

Why would they let us do this?

It's a good question.

They invited us, they asked us to be here.

They requested our presence?

They requested our presence because it's their 90th anniversary.

Yes.

I didn't know sound was around 90 years ago, let alone Abbey Road Studios.

I thought recorded sound didn't exist until like 20 years ago.

You thought music was invented by Adele.

So, yeah, of course you didn't think this involved.

The Spice Girls, please.

Well, actually, speaking of the Spice Girls, lots of iconic people have recorded in this room.

The Spice Girls did Viva Forever.

Okay, I see why you said that now, yep.

This room, Pink Floyd recorded Dark Side of the Moon.

It's pretty good.

So two very different references there.

Yeah.

Born This Way, Lady Gaga.

He's going with a theme.

Who else, Alice?

Somebody that you have a lot of time for, James.

And I saw a photograph outside, actually, Amy Winehouse in this studio.

Oh, my God.

Yeah, it's pretty cool.

And now us.

So they're they're going down in the world.

Yeah, well, I asked someone earlier, and we are the first act to ever read pornography in Abbey Road studio, which isn't surprising, but it's a claim to fame.

It's something at least.

We've had a lot of funny looks in the corridor, haven't we?

People like, not them.

Well, who let them in?

James, they don't know who we are.

That's just your face.

It's been a string of cancellations then.

Exactly.

This is nice.

They've like made it nice for us.

They've put a tree up.

It's very festive.

It's garlanding.

And we should talk about the pianos that are in the.

Pianos.

John Legend.

No, John Lennon.

Who played the map piano?

John Lennon.

The legend that is John Lennon.

And possibly John Legend, but they haven't made a note of that.

John Lennon played Let It Be on that piano, James, and you can see some of his cigarette burn marks on it, which is quite cool.

I mean, allegedly.

But we are in one of the most iconic places in the world.

Oh my god, we know.

You keep saying it.

Well, I'm just saying, we're actually.

Are you getting a kickback from Happy Brooks Studios?

What's going on?

Did they ask, or did you ask?

This is about to be a seamless transition, guys, because we're also playing some pretty iconic places on our world tour that's finally back on its feet.

Oh, yeah.

That's actually quite clever of it.

Lovely.

You should do this bit.

That's really cool.

Exactly, James.

Radio City Music Hall.

We're coming back.

In fact, we're coming back to America.

We had to cancel that because of COVID.

And now

we're relaunching that whole tour.

So please do come and see us.

I just wish you could be more specific.

I can be, actually.

We start off on my birthday, 16th of June, in Boston.

Oh, it's going to be so extra.

Very excited about that.

And then we're playing all over the States and Canada until the 30th of June, which is Radio City Music Hall in New York.

That'll be the big finale.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

And we're going everywhere.

We're going to LA, San Francisco,

Washington, D.C., we're going up to Vancouver, Toronto, Seattle, all the way up to the city.

LA, San Francisco.

Exactly.

Etc., etc.

I've also remembered all of the places and I could recite them too.

Also, Europe and UK, if you haven't got your tickets for those, I mean, that's you're slacking, aren't you?

If you haven't got those.

Yeah, it's very confusing because they've been rescheduled a couple of times.

But if you go to the website, madadrappoint.com slash live, you'll see my beautiful maintenance.

I do do the website.

All complaints to James.

The iconic website that we're talking about in the iconic of your own studios.

It'll basically tell you where your original date was and then when it was rescheduled to and then when it was rescheduled to again.

So hopefully you can figure out.

Oh my goodness, James, have you done that?

You've manually done that.

But UK, Europe, we're going to Stockholm, Copenhagen, Helsinki, Dublin, Amsterdam, Brighton, London, Manchester, Birmingham, Glasgow.

We're going to go.

Will you both be at all of those?

We will, will, yes.

Right, okay.

Could you come?

Could you make it?

I actually should be.

Could you drag yourself out?

I should put them in the diary.

Yeah, are they night time?

They are, they are.

Right.

Any matinees?

Because I have pushed for this for years.

And if you are new to the podcast, there are a few tickets left in all those places as well.

So don't just think because you hadn't got a ticket last time, you can't get one now.

There are still some available.

Don't just think because you weren't an early adopter that you'll be shunned from the community that is my dad rotoporno.

So yeah, my dadrotoporno.com forward slash live for all the info and tickets.

Speaking of iconic, which I know we've we've barely said today,

but it's become quite iconic to have the My Dad Rottoporno Christmas special in people's lives to get them through what can be, let's be honest, like a really annoying time of year to spend with your family and friends.

I've been really looking forward to this, I have to say.

It's always a bit silly, isn't it?

It's always a bit silly, and that's why it goes down so well with me.

Microwaved mold wine.

We've got the what are the sisters called?

The Hunts Girls.

Oh, the Hunts Girls.

You know, there's so many things that have become part of people's Christmas landscape now.

Well, it's funny.

There was some chatter online.

I did say that.

Chatter online.

About where they all fit.

So there's two schools of thought.

So there's six Christmas specials now.

The Sussex one.

Amazing.

In the canon.

Yeah.

But people think that maybe are they the same Christmas or different Christmases?

Sorry, do you feel like he's gone away and just like googled himself

and like really built himself up?

He's come back with this new Vim.

And why is he talking in sort of like third person?

Like he's nothing to do with it.

There are six Christmas specials in the My Dad, Reporter and Canada.

Yeah, you're in them.

You can't pick up your own words.

I think you should say that.

A friend of mine got in touch with me, oh God, about a month ago.

There's no good way to say this, particularly after what you've just said to me.

They Googled my net worth.

A friend Googled his net worth.

Oh, sure.

Sure.

Yeah, a friend got in touch.

You might have heard of it.

She's called Google.

Why would I have done that?

Also, all of his friends are in this room, so which friend is this?

No, I don't know why he wanted to know this.

i'm like did you not buy around christmas presents or something i don't know but um he sent me the article because it is insane okay go on then i wouldn't say it's particularly accurate so jamie morton is the renowned english entertainer chief

chief and and maker who is generally known for his name

Okay, and work all around the planet and acquired a gigantic, gigantic fan base from individuals who love sitcoms.

Did it computer write this?

Computer writing this.

No, that's such odd language.

Like a computer did write this.

Moreover.

I'm so surprised we've not had a mention yet.

Moreover, he is the author, maker, and head of the head.

Head chief?

What's all this like?

Head of the IMF.

Number one, James is clearly the boss.

I know.

If there was a boss, James is clearly the boss, but you're apparently the chief.

Okay, great.

And head of the celebrated parody webcast, my father composed a porno.

Parody webcast!

Which is tuned in around.

This is one of the best parody webcasts, though, to be fair.

We could probably claim it's the number one parody webcast.

Which is tuned in around the planet.

He has been to numerous urban areas on the planet

doing his shows.

What does that mean, my house?

Doing his shows and gathering love from individuals who venerate him.

That sounds like gathering love from the love.

That sounds like he's slept with a lot of people that listen to the show.

Jamie Wharton, net worth or net income is assessed to be between $1 million and $5 million.

$5 million.

I can promise everybody listening to this.

To be fair,

$1 million.

Yeah, seriously, I'd take that.

I mean, I would love that.

Have you seen anything?

My shoes.

Exactly.

Have you seen everything that I own?

He has made such measure of abundance from his essential vocation as Instagram star, capitalized.

I mean, I hardly go on Instagram.

James, do we read the small print enough?

Because is there a chance that he has made 5 million?

And we've made 50p?

Yeah, I thought we were all cut in the same.

Yeah, so did I.

This computer's telling me otherwise.

This computer is very interesting intel.

I'm starting to see the realities of our situation.

Jamie Morton, 37 years of age.

Well, not my age.

Brought into the world on January the 9th, not my birthday.

He has summited Mount Everest on two separate events.

Have you?

What?

No, you've been doing that there from.

They need to bulk it out, obviously.

He has likewise been chief for Through Dark, a famous climbing and outwear-centered organization.

Okay, they're getting the wires crossed here.

They've obviously pulled two different JPs.

This is the thing though.

Yeah.

Do you want to know some of my number one things?

Oh, God.

Not really.

Favourite movie, apparently, is Mrs.

Smith goes to Washington.

That is a great film.

Favourite actress is Deborah Carr.

Deborah Carr.

Favourite book, Button Brooks: The Decline of a Family.

Oh, God.

I haven't seen that out of your hands.

Oh my god.

Favourite colour, Desert sand.

Favourite colour.

Favourite fruit, sweet lime, sweet orange.

Favourite singer, Wilson Pickett.

I do like a bit of Wilson Pickett.

And favourite sport, Winter Guard.

I don't know if that is a sport.

Fuck is Winter Guard?

I thought shoddy rock climbing or mountain climbing.

They do think that I am some sort of summiter, yeah.

And they think you're an outdoorsman.

Which couldn't be further than the truth.

So on that bombshell, should we get reading the book?

I'd never thought we'd want to to read Rocky to hear some proper English.

I know that is nonsense, even by Flintstonian standards.

Okay, so are we ready for My Father Composed a Porno Christmas Special, our popular parody webcast?

Any ideas of what part one could be called?

No, we have literally no point of reference at all.

Steals in the Snow.

It's called Sleep in Heavenly Fleece.

Keen, already so keen.

If I died now, happy.

Okay.

Sleep in Heavenly fleece

exactly that we've just recorded a song at Arby Road

I wouldn't say a song you know what it is James iconic

okay Belinda blinked the Christmas special part one sleep in heavenly fleece

The cold wind of winter pricked Belinda's exposed left hand and upper ass cheek.

Exposed left hand and upper ass cheek.

So she's nae.

Or something's tucked in.

Okay.

We don't know.

We don't have enough information, I think it's fair to say.

Flinging the warm cuddle of her fleece blanket over her skin exposed patuti, she knew today was the day.

So she's naked, but she's wearing a fleece.

On her patuti.

On her no, off her patuti.

On off a patuti.

Her exposed patuti.

Have you ever said patuti patio?

No, patuti.

So nice to say.

It's that like a bastardisation of two other words.

What do you think it, what combination do you do?

Tush and potato.

Does your ass look like a potato?

It's a classic portmanteau of potato and tush, yeah.

Patusi.

Guys, it is Christmas, so Belinda blinked.

Oh, jeez.

Oh,

that was cool.

I didn't even think about it.

I was like, we're drinking in Abirow as well.

I didn't think they'd let us.

Okay, so Belinda blinked.

Minutes less hours later, Belinda Blumenthal switched off her car radio that was playing the timeless pipes of peace.

Could have been recorded here.

I love that we've got like literally.

Where are we?

What's happening?

Are we in a car?

Are we outside?

She's wrapped in blankets.

She's naked.

What's going on?

Also, is it minutes or hours?

Minutes less hours.

Minutes less hours.

I don't know what that means.

Strutting out of her Jaguar 6.9 litre automobile.

That's new, isn't it?

I know nothing about cars, so I don't even...

If I did, I'd probably laugh at that.

6.9 litre.

Oh, God, I didn't even...

Oh, is that laughable?

What even is it?

I've just realised what he's done, though.

69, 6.9.

Oh, God, he's obsessed with that number.

6.9 litre.

6.9 litre what?

Doesn't even work.

So, strutting out of her Jaguar 6.9 litre automobile and into the grounds of her workplace, she exuded festive cheer in the most sexual of senses.

Which is naked and in the center of the colour.

Wrapped in a blanket, like a fleece blanket.

She was sexily shrouded in a bejewelled hood of ruby-red fake stones.

What the fuck is she wearing?

Well, I think she's wearing like a kind of, you know, like a sexy Santa outfit, you know, like the hooded red velvet, but like somehow it's bejewelled.

Okay, right, right, right.

Yeah, so sexily shrouded in a bejewelled hood of ruby red fake stones with a dirty brown husky look trim.

Ugh.

That's awful.

Her face was smeared with a special type of Vaseline style makeup, which gave her a hazy, dreamy, and exceptionally classy look of Christmas.

No, you don't put Vaseline on the face, isn't that?

You put it on the lens to make people look better.

You don't smear someone's face in Vaseline.

Yeah, you put it on the lens to make them look gauzy.

If you just smear it on your face, you just look like shiny and greasy, don't you?

Yeah, like you're covered in Vaseline.

Yeah, I mean, you look exactly like what you are.

Our heroine, full of Yuletide wonder, bounded into the Office of Operations and addressed the seasonally appropriate administrator, Mary Snowball.

Only there

in December.

Yeah, how have you never heard about her?

She's a seasonal employee.

This also really very much reads like it was written by the same bot that wrote your biography.

So now that makes me think that maybe Rocky has...

Oh, did dad write that?

I don't know.

It just sounds very in keeping.

Okay.

So Belinda's like full of the joys, basically.

She's in a crazy day.

She's dressed.

It sounds like for Christmas, I think from what we can judge.

Yeah.

I love Steel's at Christmas.

Everybody's so in the spirit of things at Christmas.

I agree.

They wind down around like September.

Yeah.

They come back to the office like February.

Yeah, they employ women with names that are appropriate for the season.

They've got Sarah Pumpkin at Halloween.

And it's a lot of budget to put them on the staff to just have them there for say like a week or two.

It is like job share, though.

Do you think?

So she like highs of a season.

High fives out with snowball.

Like, oh, I've your documents on the desk with the handover.

Yeah, they've got to train them.

They've got to like...

Yeah, but worth it, isn't it?

For the morale?

For the joke.

Oh, my God, to have like Genevieve Thanksgiving turkey walking around.

Mrs.

Pumpkin can't be there for that long.

Like, that's only a day, really.

She's not married, Jamie.

Oh, Miss Pumpkin, whatever.

Okay, sorry.

Sarah Pumpkin to you, thank you.

It's Mrs.

Mary Snowball.

That's why I got confused.

So what does snail, why is snail there?

Ian Snail.

Ian Snail's there the whole time.

I guess snails are evergreen, aren't they?

Yeah, all year round.

Or do they pop out at certain times of year?

Well, it feels like Ian Snail does.

We didn't hear about him for years.

So

she goes up.

Is it Deborah?

Did you say Snowball?

Mary.

So she had to marry someone called Mr.

Snowball.

Yeah.

Unless she was Snow.

Mary Snowball.

Well, unless she married like Tony Ball.

Oh, and she's Snow.

Mary Snow.

Oh, you think it's double barrel.

That's not why I imagine.

Okay.

Hello, Mrs.

Mary Snowball.

Belinda said.

It's definitely a name.

Just say Mary.

Jesus.

Hello, Mrs.

Mary Snowball.

Belinda purred.

What?

Snowball said.

Love Snowball already.

More like snowballs.

Well,

hi.

I'm Belinda.

I know who you are.

What do you want?

Oh, Snowball?

Snowball masticated.

I know who you are.

What do you want?

How have they never met?

Also, if you're employed for a season as a joke to cheer up the office, work on your fucking pattern.

Where'd you cheer, sweetheart?

What do you want?

To speak to the whole workforce, please.

What, and Mary's suddenly the gatekeeper?

You ever heard of a round-robin email, Belinda?

Jesus.

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Fine,

said the gum-chewing head of operations of Steel's Pots and Pans.

Fine.

There's the megaphone unit.

The megaphone unit?

Does that ring everybody's?

Oh my god, it's going to ring everybody's phones.

She's going to ring a number and it's going to ring every handset in the building.

The megaphone.

Imagine what the megaphone unit could do.

I thought it was a megaphone.

Oh, the megaphone unit?

Or the megaphone unit?

It's just a megaphone.

Oh my god.

It's not the megaphone that calls every phone in the office.

It's a megaphone.

One, megaphone.

The megaphone unit.

Like a fine tooth comb, fine tooth comb.

It's like how James says necklace.

Did you say necklace?

What do you say?

Necklace.

Necklace.

That sounds like you have no neck.

You're necklace.

I'm necklace.

How do you say it?

Necklace, yeah.

Necklace.

Pardon?

Necklace.

It's a lace around your neck.

Say it in a sentence, though.

It's so weird.

Honestly, it's freaky.

Say it.

What a beautiful necklace.

Not a thing, right?

Have you ever heard such madness?

I've never seen it.

With such a menacing look as well.

What a beautiful necklace.

Why would you say

necklace?

Because that's how you say it.

You say headless.

You don't say headlace.

I don't know about your logic anymore.

Confused yourself.

You're absolutely right.

I don't say a headlace.

This is a potato purdue team situation all over again.

I'd never knew that about him.

He also says, you know, there's that phrase, oh, I'm just going around the...

Yeah.

James, how do you say that?

I'm going around the houses.

Houses?

How do you say it?

Houses.

Houses.

So basically, he can't speak.

But it's not, it's not H-O-U-Z-E-S.

Well, there's lots of words that we don't say exactly as they're written on there.

You know, like necklace.

No, necklace.

Wow.

We've taught him so much.

I know.

Well, clearly not.

He's not learning anything.

Houses.

Houses.

You don't say houses.

How do you say mayor?

Oh, God.

Oh, no.

Mayor.

Mayor.

The mayor of London.

Yeah.

I say mayor.

The mayor of London.

Why are you so literal about everything?

Why do you say everything exactly as it's written?

How'd you say this?

Table.

Okay, so it's not written table, is it?

It's written.

Tabla.

Yeah.

Is it true?

Okay, take your point.

How do you say microphone?

How do you say this?

Well, you just said it, microphone.

Oh, so you don't say micropony.

Microave moment.

Anyway, so there's the megaphone unit.

Belinda licked her upper teeth before pouting her luscious lips into the hallowed vessel of communication.

It's a bit of an odd like gurney.

Into the megaphone unit.

Megaphone.

Megaphone.

So seeing as we're at Abbey Road, should we try and do something with the sound desk here?

What do you mean?

Oh, like make a megaphone.

Well, yeah, if she's speaking to the whole office, can have like a sound on the megaphone.

An effect.

Yeah.

Oh, yeah, they're going to do it.

I'm going to try it, okay?

Greetings!

Oh, Wow.

Greetings, all you steely labourers.

This is great.

Greetings, all you steely labourers.

Ha ha ha.

If you've ever dreamed of being the next Marilyn Munro

or Barry Fitzgerald,

now is your chance.

Auditions for the Steels, Pots and Pans, Panto

begin on the morrow morning at 12pm sharp.

Over and out.

Okay, I enjoyed every second of that.

That was good.

I was this place.

I know.

What facilities?

It's so iconic.

That's how they got their great name.

Can I just hear it again though?

Because I was so bowled over to you.

Just what?

Just normally.

Yeah.

Okay.

Greetings, all you steely labourers.

Ha ha ha.

That's a good idea.

If you've ever dreamed of being the next Marilyn Munro

or Barry Fitzgerald.

Never heard of him.

Google who the fuck that is.

Sorry.

Barry Fitzgerald.

Barry Fitzgerald.

Have you heard of him?

I've heard of Ella Fitzgerald.

Could be Ella's brother.

Barry Fitzgerald, Irish stage, film and television actor.

Very umbracky.

He appeared in such notable films as Bringing Up Baby.

Oh, that's a good movie.

How Green Was My Valley.

Oscar winner.

Really?

Mm-hmm.

Oh.

Going My Way.

That also won this picture.

Bloody, huh?

Big deal.

He's like, oh, those are like 430s.

These can't be your dad's era.

Yeah, Barry Fitzgerald was born in 1888.

Oscar is Rocky's era.

None but the Lonely Heart and the Quiet Man.

Wow.

So he's a very famous actor, actually.

He actually won an Oscar himself.

Did he?

I've heard a grand total of one of those.

Which one?

The first one.

Bringing Up Baby.

Yeah.

Yeah, it's a classic.

You're thinking of Baby's Day Out.

I'm thinking Baby's Day Out.

I think you've hit me baby one more time.

I'm so sorry.

So, if you've ever dreamed of being the next Marilyn Monroe or Barry Fitzgerald, auditions for the Steeles Pots and Pans Panto.

Obsessed.

This Panto.

We have to, I mean, you know that James and I are from a city which is known for its panto.

Like, I like to think internationally known for its panto.

Really?

The Nottingham Playhouse Panto is a massive deal, isn't it, James?

Kenneth.

Alan.

Taylor.

Yes, he's a massive deal.

People come from all over the houses to see him.

Honestly, in in their finest jewelry, their finest neckletics.

Even the mayor.

Even the mayor.

In fact, we should probably say what a panto is for our international listeners.

It's very British.

Yeah, how would you describe it?

It's short for pantomime, and it's a play in which.

Is it like vaudeville?

Kind of vaudeville?

Yeah, it's very kind of like bawdy humour, isn't it?

It's a festive thing, like every Christmas.

But it's also quite ahead of its time because it subverts a lot of the gender norms.

So often the woman will play the male lead and a man playing the panto dame.

That won't mean a lot to some people, as you say, outside of the uk but quite um kind of ostentatious like scene grabbing character that just sort of lords it over other people quite camp maybe this is too early but can we speculate on who's going to take what role in the steel's pots and pants panto oh okay panto sorry just got that yes it's an accident yeah steels pots and panto so james you want to cast it first of all panto horse got to be ian snail

because he's got the he's got the he's got the shell and he's got the front but he isn't a snail

his name is ian snail he isn't isn't an actual snail.

Who's the dame?

Tony.

Oh, no.

One of the RSMs has to be the dame.

Yeah, who's like the biggest character?

It has to be the biggest character.

Paddy?

Paddy could be a good dame.

Belinda's like Jack from Jack and the Beanstall.

I think that Bella might wear her, you know, her horse riding outfit and do that.

As the horse.

Oh, as the horse.

Or riding the horse.

No, Bella's an ugly sister.

Well, we don't know what the panto is yet.

I don't care.

Bella's an ugly sister.

Why are you saying that?

It's not kind.

I think it's a bit early to speculate because you don't know what the show is yet.

That's the point.

I'm sorry, you're right.

How silly of me.

James is testing a show.

He doesn't know what it is.

Okay.

Auditions for the Steel Souls Pento begin on the morrow morning at 12pm sharp.

I just want to point out that 12pm is not the morrow morning.

It is midday.

It's technically the afternoon.

I actually do struggle with that.

Over and out.

Belinda stuffed a whole Mrs.

Kipling minced pu-

Kipling.

Mrs.

Kippling.

That's how you'd say it.

Well, it's Mr.

Kipling, so it's Mr.

Kipling.

Yeah, but you'd probably say Mrs.

Kipling.

The name just was a whole Mrs.

Kipling minced pie.

Minced?

It's minced pie, not minced.

Oh my god.

This is going to take forever.

Fucking hell.

Minced pie into her trap in the excitement that pulsated through her ultimate body.

This time of year always changed her on a molecular level.

Jesus.

Her inner Warren Buffett left her for dead and was replaced.

Warren Buffett.

Is he the philanthropist?

Massive entrepreneur, entrepreneur, yeah, like billionaire.

I'm not entirely sure what that means then, because she's not particularly charitable, is she?

I don't think it's about the philanthropy.

I think it's about being a businessman, a business person.

So her business instincts leave her?

Yeah, and she just turns into what?

Santa.

Well,

her inner Warren Buffett left her for dead and was replaced by grease paint-filled veins and spot-lit-lit brains.

Beg your pardon?

She's covered in Vaseline.

She's got grease in her veins.

Grease coursing through her veins.

She's going to die.

I think it means that she becomes greasy.

Oh, like Pam style.

As a theatre person, grease paint is what you...

Here we go.

Ever heard of the smell of the grease paint, the roar of the crowd?

Ever heard of that?

Nope.

It's like an old theatre thing.

It means that you're...

So, wait, did you wear grease paint to sit backstage and write plays?

When you're on stage, you would have grease paint as the, as makeup.

It's basically stage makeup.

Grease paint.

Grease paint.

Grease paint.

Did you say that then?

She was a creative type from earlyish November to the end of business Xmas Eve.

So that's the thing.

So basically.

Yeah, we got it.

We can heal her.

Her business person leaves her creativity.

Yeah, thank you.

We're not idiots.

Courses to her bones.

Okay.

As part of her increased work portfolio, Belinda was the point lady for Panto season.

This company is an absolute mess.

Every year since the early 1970s, with Steel's Pots and Pans, London Office had put on a pantomime to raise much-needed funds for the chairman's chosen charity, the Asses and Donkeys Trust.

Oh, good.

How many events do they do a year for the fucking Asses and and Donkeys Trust?

The next lunchtime-ish, Belinda was sat behind a beautifully proportioned yellow pine with resin streaks trestle table.

Oh, it's like X-Factor.

They're going to do auditions.

Oh, oh, brilliant.

They're going to be brutal.

The Duchess was to her right and Mistress Sweet Juice her left.

They've flown her over from Paris.

She's nothing to do with the organisation.

Oh, I think she's a guest judge.

She's a guest judge because she knows her field.

Because of the Moulin Maron.

Yeah, she does know performance.

Yeah, you're right.

Oh, wow.

So it's kind of glitzy that they've got a professional in.

The sign above the door...

Oh, James.

What?

We're going to know what the panto is.

Oh, here we go.

The sign above the door read, Dick Whittington's Mother Goose auditions.

One of my least favourite.

No, that's a mashup.

Oh.

That's two.

I hate both of those, yeah.

They're two of my least favourite.

Dick Whittington's Mother Goose.

Yeah, you're absolutely right.

Who's the pussy?

That's my question.

Well, quite.

Dick Whittington had his cat.

Because he went to London where the streets were paved for gold, and mother goose laid golden eggs.

So, did they make the streets out of eggs?

Eggy streets.

Golden eggs.

To be fair, the streets of London are more likely to be paved with egg, like old egg, and like just like rubbish than gold.

Dick Whittington's mother goose.

Okay.

So the sign above the door read: Dick Whittington's Mother Goose Auditions.

Closed set.

Close set.

Who wants to be on the fucking set?

It's not even a set.

That's sexy.

Close set!

Next!

The Duchess's authoritative tone boomed.

Does she have to be so sultry?

She's going to be unbearable.

Oh my god, guys.

Guess who's coming in?

Oh, God, here we go.

Paddy O'Hamlin.

Oh, good.

Yeah.

Shuvelled in.

Shuffled.

Sorry.

Shuffled.

Duck his way into the room.

It's a closed set.

Paddy O'Hamlin shuffled into the canteen comfort.

Spelt.

Don't say comf theatre.

It spelt C-U-M.

Top of the morning tea as our ladies.

Hello, Patrick.

Oh, because she has to be Steely, because she's not his friend or his colleague anymore.

She's a judge.

Can you actually act?

Oh.

This makes me think he's going to absolutely blow out the water.

To be

or not to be.

Or not.

That is the question.

Whether it is nobler in the mind to suffer the slings and arrows of outrageous fortune or to take arms against a sea of troubles and by opposing anthem to die thank you darling the duchess interrupted him wait a minute

to die thank you darling chorus i think the duchess

chorus you didn't hear him sing that's a good point

it's caught like you guys like musical theatre it is chorus like the ultimate diss it's not a diss it's just not a lead it's like it's the ensemble but it does mean you're not getting any solo time it does and you're normally singing like they haven't haven't even heard him sing.

They just heard him do like three sentences with Shakespeare.

But I guess you're hidden in a choir.

Thank you, darling.

Chorus, I think.

The Duchess interrupted and whispered to Belinda.

What a wonderful interpretation, Paddy.

Thank you.

Much like with a C V we'll call you.

Once Paddy had skipped out, Belinda spoke freely.

Gosh, it's as tough as a cheap bit of beef, isn't it?

Hmm hmm hmm hmm Mistress Sweet Juice added Well, thank God but they've flown her over.

What fantastic between audition chat?

That's all.

Next to Grace the Judges was Sir James Godwin.

Sorry, the Godwin's auditioning.

The founder of the company, the chairman of the company, has to audit, you'd give the boss a role.

What's he gonna be?

Hello, boss man, Belinda said.

Ciao, bello,

the Duchess growled, kissing the air as the last O left her lips.

I'm here to read for the Jame,

Sir James bellowed.

He's got a good dame voice, actually.

Okay.

The Duchess coughed.

Oh, fabulous, Belinda cooed, secretly hoping he had the skin that could take a lot of lipstick.

I'd worried no one would put their balls to the wall and offer.

Leading by example as ever, Sir James.

Sorry.

That's exactly the same.

You've just got what James Godwin's got.

It's going round.

Alice, can you always do the huchumpfs, please?

Happily.

Yes, well, quite.

Traditions must be upheld.

Please,

the floor is yours.

The Duchess breathed.

Is the Duchess a ghost now?

Lovely vibrato.

Proffering Sir James the floor.

Oh my god, you little dick goose.

What am I like?

Behind me?

Oh, you wish.

I wish.

Come behind me.

No, not at all.

I'm a mother.

Going

sick.

What the fuck was that?

It was his performance.

What on earth?

So, did you just do a medley of all the things?

I just did a medley of classic pants.

My cheat nearly was sick.

There's a bit of sick in here.

Should we break that down?

No, do it exactly like that again.

Oh my god, you little dick goose.

What am I like?

Behind me?

Oh, you wish.

I wish.

Come behind me.

No, not at all.

I'm a mother.

Someone's having a breakdown.

Why is he a mother?

Oh, he's a mother goose.

Why is he moving so fast?

Why got so many time on any of it?

I've actually never seen James like this.

Do it again.

Okay, no, yeah, actually, one by one.

One by one.

Okay.

Oh, my gosh.

Oh, my God.

Fine.

You're a little dick goose.

You're a little dick goose.

That's my favourite, actually, a little dick goose.

A little dick goose.

What does that mean?

You're little dick goose.

What am I like?

What's the love?

That's not one.

That was one of them.

No, but that's not one from a panton.

Oh, God.

Behind me.

Because that's the whole thing, isn't it?

You've made him a bit normal.

No, yeah, sorry.

No, don't change a thing.

But what is it?

He's behind you.

No.

Oh, no, he isn't.

Oh, yeah.

Yeah.

It's all that shit, isn't it?

No, we get it, but this is like the unraveling of a man in front of our eyes.

Oh, my god, behind me.

Oh, you wish, I wish, you wish.

He's having both sides of the conversation.

You wish, I wish.

What does he want?

He's doing all the parts from all the pantos.

It's a one-man show.

This was his prepared audition.

He's gonna leave on a game.

It's third down.

Did you see the game last night?

Of course you did, because you used Instacart to do your grocery restock.

Plus, you got snacks for the game, all without missing a single play.

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Gurney.

Behind me.

Oh, you wish.

I wish.

Come behind me.

Come behind me.

Come behind me.

No, not at all.

I'm among.

I mean.

Do you think people stood up and went?

Because it's so avant-garde.

Well.

Merci, Cherie.

Oh, we've seen all we need to see.

We really have, gal.

Sweet juice spoke.

Call security.

She started to sweat profusely.

The auditions went on all day.

And by the end of the day, Belinda felt she had the perfect cast to stun the Steel's pots and pans employees, many clients, industry representatives, and royalty who will be present to watch it.

Imagine a royal.

You're the queen.

You haven't got much time left.

You want to make sure you're using every day to your best.

You go to the Steeles.

Pots and Pans, Manto.

I think Sir James got.

Abdication's easier.

I'll do it.

Seriously.

And you imagine it's held in the canteen as well.

Oh, yeah.

They like deck it out.

They've got a few likes.

But only a bit.

Yeah, exactly.

It's not very nice.

Okay, so I imagine we're about to hear who got what part.

part.

Well, you're not going to know today because...

What do you mean?

However, when Belinda returned to her designated desk area with walls and door, she was confronted by a familiar face.

Oh.

Paddy O'Hamlin was there.

He had read the casting roll call and was desperate.

Do you imagine it's like when they pin it up?

Like your results at uni.

Yeah, on the court board.

Please, let me be Dick's pussy or an egg of gold.

Oh, you could play an egg.

That's That's the kind of thing that they invent in a school place and everybody has a role.

Um so she's like, please let me be dick's pussy or an egg of gold.

Patty, please, Belinda tersely replied, rolling her eyes upwards.

No, just give me a chance to shine, I'm begging you.

Belinda flicked her zip fly and allowed her skirt to be eaten by gravity.

Zi flicked her zip fly.

Oh, fine.

And the skirt drops.

Sorry, sorry, sorry.

It's so It's so unnecessarily wordy sometimes.

It's like it annoys me.

There were.

We know.

Have I never made that clear?

Oh, I have.

Good.

There were no panties or thongs, which meant her pubic green belt was open for all to see and explore.

Green belt?

You can't build on that.

You bloody can't.

That is protected, my friend.

That's protected land.

I don't want to know what, because isn't there...

I'm not even going there.

What's the other belt of land called?

What way you can build on it?

Yeah.

What?

Red belt?

What's the brown belt?

Brown belt.

Brown belt.

Isn't that like that's a karate thing, isn't it?

Not a black belt.

Sorry.

Isn't that like the swamp or something that you can't build on because it's not safe?

I don't know.

Oh, wait a sec.

I'm trying to remember it from GCSE geography.

She's Greenbelt, which is protected land from pristine.

Well, it's the edge of the city, right?

Greenbelt.

But you can't build on it.

I think you can.

No, you can't.

Greenbelt's protected.

We'll see about that.

So, brown belt land in urban planning is any previously developed land that's not currently in use that may be potentially contaminated.

Oh, no.

Well, thank God she's not that.

Okay, so greenbelt land you guys think is protected.

Let's see.

So the greenbelt is to prevent urban sprawl by keeping land permanently open.

Yes, protected.

However, there's not necessarily a right of access there.

Actually, there's a very good analogy.

So her legs are always open, but there's not a right of access.

Yes, you have to invite someone onto your greenbelt.

Love that.

Rocky.

The only analogy that has ever worked.

Coroni.

Paddy O'Hamlin spoke with words.

It was December, and Paddy had always struck Belinda as a festive type of chap.

His Jerry's chocolate orange hair was as.

Jerry's chocolate orange.

Okay,

Terry's chocolate orange.

Uh, A, A.

James is such a patient man, but these really aggravate him.

His Jerry's chocolate orange hair was as bright as tinsel.

Why doesn't he just say orange hair?

I don't know.

Because it's Christmas.

James, I'm on your side, you know I am.

It's dad's favourite chocolate at Christmas, a child.

Jerry's chocolate.

Jerry's chocolate orange.

Jerry's chocolate orange could be blue for all we know, because it's not a thing.

His hair was as bright as tinsel and his laugh as cheerful as a brandy-butter-filled brandy snap basket.

A what?

And

so his Jerry's chocolate orange hair was as bright as tinsel and his laugh as cheerful as a brandy-butter-filled brandy snap basket with a glass of brandy on the side.

Very brandy.

They kissed like a couple of turtle doves and Belinda's brains scattered to the west coast of Ireland where poems are read and Flora is sat on.

He, in those two sentences, has gone nuts with his metaphors, similes, analogies.

He's used everything.

And he's in a sort of like dreamscape now.

Merry Xmas, bass babe.

Paddy purred like a hard James Joyce.

That was a purr actually.

I just did a little purr.

When he pulled down his togs, Belinda was shocked, but not surprised, that his carpet matched the curtains.

His secret hair region looked like a bit of iron that had been exposed to oxygen and water over a substantial amount of time.

Don't say he doesn't teach you anything.

A little bit of science there, please.

Oh my god.

All right.

What?

I don't like secret hair area.

What is it?

Secret hair region.

Hair region.

Secret hair region.

I think that's what we can deduce from this episode.

He's the same colour as the Jerry's chocolate orange.

He's got oxidised pubes or whatever you just said.

Iron that had been exposed to oxygen and water over a substantial amount of time.

Rust.

Yeah, rust-coloured pubes.

It glinted like.

Merry Christmas, everyone.

Yeah, it's a long way of saying orange pubes.

It glinted like the star of Bethlehem.

What?

What did?

This is blasphemous.

It glinted like the star of Bethlehem.

Why is it so shiny, the hair?

As the throbbing, incandescent light strips of the office hit his winkle with a twinkle.

So wait, the the winkle shined like a star.

Oh.

I worry because because wasn't the star of Bethlehem what the three wise men used to follow to find the baby Jesus.

Star of wonders, star of light.

Belinda dove into his pubes, running the ringlets.

Look at his pubes.

It's Christmas.

Belinda dove into his pubes, running the ringlets through her fingers like grated carrot.

That is one of the grossest things I've ever heard.

Oh my god.

What?

Oh my god.

What did she dive in there?

Her hand on her face.

Put her hand in his cube.

And it felt like grated carrots.

It's all like twirling.

Running her fingers.

She's just like twiddling it on her finger.

But you know when you like peel a bit of like carrot and it like goes like into a rip like oh my Christ.

Is that Abby Road Security?

I think we're getting a scroll without.

Running the ringlets.

The ringlets.

Pubes aren't ringlets.

Well, they kind of are ringlets, aren't they?

I guess it depends how thick the thick it is.

Corkscrew curls for you, Jenny.

Running the the ringlets.

Why would you run your hands through it?

Also, Jamie's hair is in ringlets and has a little ginger top

tinge.

So if you imagine that, that's a sal.

Look at all that grated carrot.

I don't need to imagine that, just imagine the grated carrot.

Running the ringlets through it.

Great carrot.

It's not like grated carrot.

Yeah.

Peeled, maybe.

Grated.

His skin was pale, which really set off the contrast with a zing.

And his cock was stiff and twitching for playtime.

Oh, I do love some Irish sausage at Christmas time, Paddy OH.

I can't wait to beat your banger.

I hate meeting James.

I just caught your eye.

So we've got like sausage and carrot, basically.

That's dinner tonight.

Sausage and grated carrot, anybody?

Ha ha ha.

Ha had, Paddy.

My willy will willingly wiggle inside you like a worm, but bigger, much bigger, Bars Babe.

Why have we gone from terrorist chocolate orange to carrot to sausage to worm?

I mean, I guess it's all the same.

It's all a compost teapot, isn't it?

There There was green belt in there at some point.

Yeah, there was some town planning.

This was more than enough talk dirty for one afternoon.

And the two colleagues with privileges began to bonk.

In her, he slid, and she welcomed him with a hospitable smile and encouraging grunt.

Because it was Xmas, and Xmas shopping is busy and stressful, Patty got a little bit tired in the second trimester of passion.

Isn't that a pregnancy thing?

Yeah, where you're quite nauseous.

But he soldiered on by sitting down on the other side.

Sorry, don't stop us with your little finger.

Do you see that finger lift?

We've got to say something about second trimester

because it's not a thing.

Put that little finger down.

Little finger laugh at you.

Little finger shut you up.

No, I think trimester just means like

I thought it was exclusively pregnancy.

I think it's famous.

I think that's how it's famed.

It's exclusive to be pregnancy.

It's famed.

The hills that he's willing to die on sometimes.

That finger.

I don't want want to see that finger again.

Because it was Xmas and Xmas shopping was busy and stressful.

Paddy got a little bit tired in the second trimester of passion, but he sold it on by sitting down on the ink-squirched 69 printer.

In case we missed the first one with the car.

It was nice too because it meant that he got a good look at her bottom as it bounced up and down his big thick cockshaft.

Right here, that has taken a different turn.

It was very cartoonish and now

that's hardcore.

Yeah.

Now, I have a printer, but it's quite small.

James wasn't proud by that at all.

That's just an everyday occurrence.

No, no, this is nothing new to me.

But I have a printer, but it's quite small.

And if someone was to bonk on it, it would get quite damaged.

Well, this is an office-based ink squirt 69.

It would at least crack the paper tray.

Yeah.

It was nice, too, because it meant that he got a good look at her bottom as it bounced up and down his big thick cockshaft.

Do you have to keep saying it?

It was so good.

This is your dad at the same time.

This is your dad.

I was just getting rid of it.

It was so good.

Getting rid of it.

It was out of me.

It was so good that he ejaculated ahead of his scheduled arrival time.

What do you mean?

Came too quickly.

Is that a thing?

Not a scheduled time.

No, you don't know.

I'll be coming at 1917.

Yeah, no.

You can't live your life like that.

Despite Paddy's best efforts and on-the-spot problem-solving, which he did get points for, Belinda wondered if he was really ready for a starring role.

Oh, God, this is all about getting a role in the Panto.

He's doing all this to get an egg.

James, this is the Steeles Panto.

Okay.

After you've been in this, it's straight to Broadway.

You can do whatever you want.

Are these eligible for the Tonies?

This production would make Belinda's name and she couldn't afford any fuck-uppers.

But he is fucking upper.

Very good.

Thank you.

Okay, Paddy, Belinda spoke through the sweat and hard humping.

You're in.

Yippee!

Paddy jumped and he proceeded to do a little jig on the paper shredder.

A week of rehearsals and a total change of panto later.

They changed the panto.

They're getting through them.

It was two before.

Belinda gathered the cast of principal roles and extras and understudy extras together in Steel's Pots and Pans canteen zone.

Okay, you actors in name only,

she bellowed through a bullhorn.

Oh, not even a megaphone note.

What's a bullhorn?

Like a

isn't that the sort of thing that a director, like in the old, like the 50s?

In Barry Fitzgerald's era, a director would have like shouted through a bullhorn, wouldn't he?

Or she, but mainly he, because it was a sexist world.

Oh, right.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

So, should we try and do that sound again?

Okay, for a bullhorn.

Have you got bullhorn?

Okay, you actors in name only.

Tomorrow is the biggest day of your short-lived careers.

In other words, our opening and closing night performance.

So it's one night only.

Also, really convenient for us that bullhorn sounds very, very likely.

Nervous rumblings bounce back at her in an unfestive show of unconfidence.

Now, I have arranged for Santa's sleigh to pick us up at 11am sharp.

Remember to clock in as if working.

Otherwise, you will lose a day's worth of pay.

The performing arts are not eligible for loo day payments as this is a god-forsaken, creatively ignorant company.

We will also be sitting sitting on bales of hay.

So I recommend bringing hardwearing Anoraks or wax-finished Macs to sit on.

Okay?

Over and out.

That is so much information.

That was so boring.

What are you on about?

So what?

It's a day's work and they don't get it in lieu.

So first of all, Santa's Slay is picking them up.

Santa's Slay is picking them up.

11 o'clock.

And they have to clock in because I guess they need to pretend that they're working.

Even though they're announcing it to the whole office over whatever this is called born.

So anybody that's their manager will hear that.

Fine.

And then in Santa Slay, they're sitting on hay bales and they have to bring a coat to sit on

because they're wet.

I don't know.

Or spiky.

Sorry, where are they going?

To the play.

What do you mean to the play?

To the pento.

You've got to drive to the office

in the trailer, I assume.

Sort of like a sleigh.

It's not a sleigh.

Stop saying slay.

It's not a sleigh.

I'm just saying what it's written in the book.

Bella asked a troop of players.

Anyone fancy a mauled wine at the Pentra?

It might settle our nerves.

The collection of, oh, yeses, why not?

And capital, implied agreement.

Okay, Belinda also agreed.

But only a mug and a half each.

We don't want to be old drunkards on that stage.

Otherwise, you really will break a leg, Bella.

The actors all laughed.

And other actors now.

The actors all laughed.

And Bella pretended to drag a dead leg behind her as they ventured out of the automobile.

Oh, God, she's such a card.

I bet you guys did that, didn't you?

Bella pretended to drag a dead leg behind her as they ventured out of the automatic revolving doors into the festive snowfall.

Belinda breathed in the cinnamon and snowflakes.

That's weird.

Why does it smell a cinnamon at the airport?

I think that's jet fuel.

Gosh, in just one more fleece-cradled sleep, sleep in heavenly fleece, she would be taking her bows in her first ever pantomime triumph, Cinderella the intern.

Belinda's ambitions blinked.

And that is the end of part one.

I'm going to leave Abbey Road tonight, and all I'm thinking about is grated carrot.

I'm running your hands through some beautiful ringlets.

Do you think, in the way that seminal albums that were recorded in this room are still spoken about in years and years to come, do you think that analogy about the carrot will be whispered in the halls and people say, This is the room where that was first said?

Can you imagine imagine if they mount like a little bag of grated carrot on the wall?

That'd be so nice, wouldn't it?

Yeah, yeah, that's the Rocky Grated Carrot.

I think you're living in a dream world, Lucy.

Well, the cleaners look like they're coming in to wash the room down, so we better get out of here.

They're deleting the files as we speak.

Oh, they forgot to press record.

But yes, do join us next week for part two, and we will actually get said Panto.

What an incredible cliffhanger.

I don't think people can't wait to hear that.

Who's going to play who?

What the fuck's the show can't wait a week can't wait a week you better brush upon your voices because i imagine you'd have a busy one next week oh god i think we used abbey road to its like to its

greatest literally any fucking where we could have done it on the street for all anyone new

on our phone it's so disrespectful to have done what we've done and i am so sorry oh i'm sad to end but this has been really fun so do join us next week if you want to see the Panto, or here at least.

And in the meantime, you can get in touch with us.

Let us know what you think.

Who do you think is going to play who?

Get involved on Twitter at Dad Rotoporno, Instagram at my dadroteh.

And lots of people will actually, this will be bringing back sort of nativity Christmas plays and memories.

And so I'm sure that you will furnish us with those.

You can get in touch at mydadrotaporno at gmail.com.

And if this is wet your appetite, don't forget about the live tour.

Mydadrotoporno.com forward slash live.

Make a great Christmas present, dare I say.

Imagine if this is what your appetite is.

This is our advert for the live show.

So we'll see you next Monday when the curtain goes up on Cinderella the intern.

No refunds.