S6E10 - 'The Winner Takes It All'

Coach, the energy out there felt different.

What changed for the team today?

It was the new game day scratchers from the California Lottery.

Play is everything.

Those games sent the team's energy through the roof.

Are you saying it was the off-field play that made the difference on the field?

Hey, a little play makes your day, and today it made the game.

That's all for now.

Coach, one more question.

Play the new Los Angeles Chargers, San Francisco 49ers, and Los Angeles Rams Scratchers from the California Lottery.

A little play can make your day.

Please play responsibly, must be 18 years or older to purchase play or claim.

The following podcast contains adult themes, sexual content and strong language.

Basically, all the good stuff.

Hello, welcome to the season finale of My Dad Rota Porno.

We're at the end of book six.

How do we feel?

you just sound so happy i'm quite sad i was gonna say you know maybe we should get that cleared for rights but no one know what it was i don't really know what i think it was it was supposed to be dramatic

it's supposed to it was supposed to scream like you know end scene yeah yeah yeah finale

big finish and it screamed tone deaf

out of time improv

no um you're sad james you're you're a bit emotional i am sad just because, I don't know, it's gone by so quickly, hasn't it?

I guess it's only been 10 chapters this time, so it's felt a little shorter.

But

yeah,

it's been sad.

But packed into those nine chapters has been so much confusion and complication and inconsistency and just general madness that it feels like so much longer, you know?

That's true, that's true.

I'm actually intrigued now as well, given that it felt like the whole bish thing's now he's in jail.

On the way to jail.

Oh.

I don't know if that means anything to Oh, right.

It's factually correct to say on his way to jail.

It feels like that now is wrapped up.

I'm like, what's this chapter going to be about?

Who's.?

Because someone was knocking on the door, obviously, as we left.

Oh, yeah.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Well, do you want to know the name of the chapter?

That might help.

Okay.

Well, we kind of want to eke this out as long as possible.

We're going to do a bit more chat.

Okay, then what else do you want to know?

Let's look at the forum.

Alice, this is your forum.

You be yourself.

What do you want to talk about?

No, go on.

Tell me, tell me.

The chapter is called The Winner Takes It All.

Oh my God.

It's Bjorn from ABBA knocking at the door.

The winner takes it all.

Is he allowed to have that chapter title?

Winner is spelt V-I.

Wiener.

The wiener takes it all.

And if you're joining us for the listening party this evening.

Can we hear a whoop?

It echoes a bit.

Can you imagine if we actually heard it in the street?

It doesn't make sense temporarily, but you get my idea.

I can't believe we're just drinking water.

Well, I do have champagne.

Should we crack out some champagne?

Hell is it not open?

Do you want it open now?

Yeah, actually.

Yeah, all right.

Do we think she said champagne, but she means carver?

Oh, oh, no, it is.

Oh, god, it's got a jacket on.

That would have been.

Yeah, no, no, two glasses will be fine.

Just for Jane and I.

Shall I do the honours?

Come on, Jane.

I hereby declare

the season finale of my dad Rotoporno officially

open.

Or started or something.

Odd tradition.

Have you ever been to anywhere?

I've never been to a dinner party, a normal party.

I've had a drink.

I've had a drink.

Be a bit more generous than that.

Oh, all right.

Christ alive.

Oh, well, cheers, guys.

What a fun season it's been.

Cheers, my Joda.

So, yeah, we have finally reached the end of this book.

It's nice, that's it.

Oh, that's lovely.

A lot's happening.

Is this posh?

Okay, we're talking about the shampoos.

It's really posh, yeah.

You didn't tell me when I opened it.

Nice, isn't it?

I've probably got a shit of stuff to give you two.

But no, it's been a really good thing.

It's crisp, isn't it?

There's two little bubbles, but not too many.

It's kind of apple-y.

It's actually.

Oh, sorry, Jamie.

You're like Gilly Goulden and Oz Clark, you two.

Sorry, what were you saying?

I was saying, it's been a really...

It's like a kind of...

It's been a really eventful season because a lot's happened.

And the last chapter, as we discussed on last week's footnotes, it kind of wraps things up.

So I am intrigued to know where we go with this chapter.

Seeing it's called The Winner Takes It All.

It's almost like hearing your thoughts back to you, Jason.

Have you you really said it all?

Have you missed it already?

Want some champagne?

He's on loop.

Talk about houseplaining.

Go on then.

Let's get.

I think we've got everything we need.

Really?

Is that it?

There's nothing else going on with our lives to talk about.

Oh, oh, I'll tell you this.

Go on.

I went somewhere for food last week.

James, if this is that story.

Yes.

Oh, for fuck's sake.

Yeah.

I know.

You're as outrageous as I've talked.

So I went to this place.

It wasn't the best place for food.

It was just some cafe on the side of the road.

Did I have to write?

Ordered on an app my food.

I compiled a sandwich on an app, but basically it was like mozzarella, ham, and tomato.

Wait,

food comes.

I'm like, what's that?

It's mozzarella.

I ordered.

No, we remember.

It was only seconds ago.

It was like a thin yellow block of cheese.

That's like a.

That's Bloody Shedder.

Yeah.

Can you stop guessing the story before I don't know?

You did put this on Instagram, James.

It looked very sweaty, that cheese.

Oh, it was very sweaty.

So I'll say it's a woman.

I'm like.

Why is he telling it like this?

Like an old woman over a fence.

And I said to her, Marion, I said,

I said, excuse me, that's not mozzarella.

She was like, oh, no, it is.

I was like, no, no, no, no, that's Cheddar.

She was like, oh, a lot of people say that, but it is mozzarella.

I was like, if a lot of people say it, then don't you think you've got a bit of a problem?

They're serving Cheddar instead of mozzarella.

And that was it.

And then she went away.

This is finale storytelling.

This is the stuff of the final chapter.

So she went away.

You deserve not to have any more books.

He isn't done.

I think we should no platform him.

She went away.

Oh my god, how do you do it?

Never came back.

And that was it.

I just had to eat this.

I was like, either this is.

That was it.

That was it.

Come back to Sella's Apple.

What was like, either this is dodgy mozzarella

or cheap cheddar.

Either way, I'm not going to go.

Either way, I don't care.

So I've had a right week.

So, Belinda blinked six.

Isn't that getting funnier the more I think about it?

The tragedy of him thinking it's a good story is quite amusing.

Chapter 10.

Sorry, sorry.

Fantastic stories aside.

Sorry, which stories are those?

Can I just ask, just for the last time in the series,

what's going on?

Yeah, exactly.

So Belinda was rescued by the Duchess Toffee Apple Chew and Helga, Agent Yonker, and

they sent Bish and Wainbert and Maeve off to the clink.

Yes.

And they went back to Belinda's hotel room and they made sweet, sweet love and had a marvellous time, I think he said.

And then were disturbed just at the end by a knock on the door.

And that was

who's at the door.

I had a theory.

Go on.

I think it's room service.

With, let's just say, a very sub-par sandwich.

Can you imagine?

I asked for Parmesan.

We thought that that was an irrelevant story and then it's somehow absorbed.

Do you know who I think it is?

Who?

I think it's Spooner Back from the Dead.

Shut up.

That's too much.

No.

Much too much.

No, because he didn't actually die.

But he had a fume we saw on TV.

Well, we did.

No, it wasn't an open casket, though, was it?

No, because it wasn't the 1800s.

Just saying.

Okay.

You think Spooner's Back from the Dead?

I don't think that he was dead.

I don't mean Back from the Dead.

I mean like...

Oh, but he...

Right.

Can I ask you why you think that?

And

what purpose it's going to serve for?

Okay, I'll tell you for why.

He's the only character I really remember.

That's the end of this.

And the purpose of it?

It's a party, baby.

To hold your room party.

Tell Toom Party.

Where does the party go after the after party?

Go to the hotel room party.

So it's a no from you both.

I thought I'd at least get like a oh.

Okay, so are we ready?

Are we ready?

Are we actually ready, though?

We're ready.

Okay.

Belinda Blink Six, Chapter 10.

The winner

it all.

Bright and early Monday morning at 11am.

What?

We ended on a knock on the door and it sounds like we're not where we were.

Well, I mean, there is precedent for that.

Unless it was bright and early the morning of the knock on the door.

Oh, right.

Sorry, you're gone.

Finish the sentence.

As we've never said to him this whole book.

Bright and early Monday morning at 11am,

Belinda entered Steel's Pots and Pans, a heroine.

So no, we're never going to know who's knocking on that door.

That had no relevance to anything whatsoever.

It's a classic dad move.

After many kisses and hugs, Tony called a meeting in the commissary.

What's the commissary?

The commissary,

that's a

prison reference, isn't it, commissary?

Wait one sec.

We're going to add this to the Steele's Pots and Pans floor plan.

Oh, absolutely, the commissary, yeah.

It says here, it's a store for equipment and provisions, particularly for military personnel.

A lunchroom, especially in a motion picture studio.

Is Steel's possible has a motion picture studio?

Or a military base.

Could be either.

So the canteen, which they've always referred to as the canteen until now, cool.

After many kissing and hugs, Tony called a meeting in the commissary.

Brothers and sisters of Steeles.

Now it's a cult.

I want to stand up and put my like salute.

Yeah, like Belinda's come back a heroine, apparently.

Brothers and sisters of Steels, please welcome welcome the saviour of our business, the conqueror of our competition, and a true lioness of cookware.

It is rousing.

Belinda Bounty Blumenthal.

Yeah!

What?

Bounty?

The middle name's Bounty?

Oh, we could have got a head rush.

Like a bounty bar.

Like a coconut chocolate bounty bar.

It felt the same way.

Yeah.

Named after the bounty bar.

It's three B's again.

I mean, her mum was probably high when she named her.

Under bounty.

So the three B's could just be her and could have just been her name.

But it's the logo of the beans.

Also, is bounty even a name?

I don't.

It's not a name.

Anything can be a name.

Bounty's quite a nice name.

Gwyneth Paltrow, yes.

I do feel like Alice would call her kids like

weird names.

Celebrate name.

Yeah.

We did talk in the early days about similar vigor levine.

Yeah.

What have you toyed with in the past?

What's the most unusual name you've considered?

Well, you know, I like kookier names.

I like older names.

Oh god, for a second I thought kookia was the one.

Kookia Levine.

I was just shouting that around a spark.

Is it kooki for you?

Kookia.

You can't get kookier than kookier.

You have us and grape sandwiches ready.

Okay don't because my mum actually got a bit upset about that.

I didn't think she still listened.

Unless she does, my brother told her.

When I say still, I mean ever.

I'll start knitting a blanket for Kookia now.

Hey James, it could be another godchild that you forget about.

Hey!

You have to stop saying that.

I would never.

Oh, sip champagne.

So, yeah, so blah, blah, blah.

Belinda Bounty Blumenthal.

The cheers were deafening.

For a lot of people that weren't there.

Even Ethel heard them.

Oh, Ethel risen from the dead through the celebration.

And Belinda fake, bashfully, got up on the demonstration stage.

Sorry, there's a demonstration stage in the commissary.

On the commissary, yeah.

I was like, fake, bashfully, like, oh, guys, like, Tony, understand, skip to Jenkins.

It's kind of the way, though, isn't it?

She's going in.

She knows she's going to be lauded.

Thank you,

Tony.

She beamed.

And thank you,

valued colleagues.

Very personalised.

Yeah, lovely.

So emotional.

Cock

is victorious.

Wait, lots of people in the room don't know about Cock because Kock's a secret organisation, isn't isn't it, if I recall?

Yeah,

the confidential order of Cook We're Knights, so yeah, very much so.

But in the context of steel pots and pans, where everyone shags everyone, even if they just thought it meant a cock, I think it'd be fine.

Everyone's like, yeah, Cock is victorious.

I love Cock too.

Big up the dicks.

Okay, yeah, fine.

Cock is victorious.

We defeated evil Bish, and I couldn't have done it without your help.

Okay, so now quite out in the open, isn't it?

Yeah.

Quite unambiguous.

The Cock members present chanted en masse.

Oh, here we go.

I love a chant.

Bish is gone.

Steeles has won.

Work is done for today.

Let's have some fun.

Oh,

are you ready, Dave?

Bish is gone.

Steals has won.

Work is done for today.

Let's have some fun.

Chill.

Cheer in!

Bella and Giselle slinked their sexy bodies around Belinda and started undressing her item of clothing by item of clothing.

On the demonstration stage.

Belinda is our queen bee.

She's an icon.

Who wants her relics?

Bella screamed as she tore Belinda's blouse into little shreds and threw them into the throng.

Is it me or is it louder than usual?

It's so much more shrill, but I don't know how.

Sorry.

It's on the demonstration stage.

And it did say she screamed to be fair.

Hang on, is Bella still

international sales director?

I guess both are true.

Yeah I guess so.

So what's Belinda?

Freelance?

I don't know.

Freelance!

Welcome back as a freelancer.

Belinda!

Well she is doing E-Dad, isn't she?

Oh every day of a different desk.

So she's throwing these little bits of blouse into the throng as if they're like, you know, bits of the crucifix.

Sorry.

That's what relics are, right?

They're like, you know, ancient parts of Jesus.

Right.

I just thought of it in the generic sense as meaning like leftovers.

It's a relic of.

Is that true?

What?

The relic of the blouse they just ripped open.

Yes.

Yeah.

Okay.

Sorry, which is a weirder interpretation.

That or pieces of Jesus?

No, pieces of the crucifix, not pieces of Jesus.

Yeah, but didn't you say they represent like bits of his body or something?

Oh, I don't know.

I'm very lapsed Catholic.

No, the cross.

Do you know that people sell bits of the old cross?

The real one.

Yeah.

So from 2,000 years ago, they've managed to keep bits of old cross, which you can buy.

You're on very, very rocky ground here.

I'm not saying anything, I'm just relaying information.

But lots of people sell it.

This champagne is so strong.

I know.

This is going to be a really weird episode, everyone.

Wait, I'm still confused.

So, like, where did everybody find the bits?

Well, that's a question.

Alice, you're opening a can of worms.

And

Hey, I wasn't brought up with the faith, whereas you two.

You should be defending it.

We've been excommunicated.

Not surprised.

The professionalism went downhill from there as the entire company took a 24-hour sabbatical for fuckfest purposes.

FuckFest 2021, bye-bye.

Don't forget it was therapy.

AAA passes!

It's FuckFest!

Woo!

Literally access all areas of each other.

I think we got it.

Okay.

Okay, we need to stop drinking because we are honestly.

Access all areas of their bodies, of each other.

Oh my goodness.

I hope everyone at home is drinking as well because otherwise.

FuckFest 2021.

Oh my god.

Be there or be square.

In other words, everyone had Latin for six and it felt like old times.

No, now you've lost what?

You're speaking in tongues.

Everyone had Latin for six.

Latin for six.

I don't speak Latin, James.

What?

What?

Because James?

You're a better Catholic than me.

What?

Well, I'm not even a Google.

I've just twigged.

What?

Sex.

That's actually good.

I like that.

I had Latin for six last night.

Fuck first 2021.

Latin for six.

Latin for six, and it felt like old times.

Bella, international sales director, she is still an international sales director, wasted no time in jumping onto head of marketing Ian Snail.

Oh my god, the snail mice is a fuck man.

Ian Snail leaves the trail.

Sorry, we're just talking about Ian Snail at the end of book C.

How have we never heard about Ian before?

Daniel!

Hey, but Mark is an Ian Snail!

Carries his office on his back.

He doesn't need to eat that.

So she waits to go.

Jamie, stop the book there.

Stop it.

That's enough.

Oh, my God.

It cannot be topped.

It shall be tossed.

Oh, Christ, Ian Snail.

Ian fucking snail.

As I live and breathe, Ian Snail.

Sorry.

We have to put a warning on this.

We're just saying.

Ian Snail is allergic to salt.

He's not slug.

I'm not saying.

are slugs with houses.

Just spat my champagne all over my face.

I would ask why we've never heard about him before.

Because this is the first surprise.

It takes him so long to get to the doctor.

Oh, Ian Snail's late again.

Oh,

snail.

Stupid little Ian Snail.

So, so,

wait, wait, what's his job?

Head of marketing.

Head of marketing.

Okay.

So, Ballet is National Sales Director.

He's on the marketing snail.

Wasted no time in jumping onto head of marketing, Ian Snail.

Just slide my arm.

Don't need to jump.

Walk up to him.

Don't crunch him.

Ian Snail's lap.

Oh.

Coach, the energy out there felt different.

What changed for the team today?

It was the new game day scratchers from the California Lottery.

Play is everything.

Those games sent the team's energy through the roof.

Are you saying it was the off-field play that made the difference on the field?

Hey, a little play makes your day, and today it made the game.

That's all for now.

Coach, one more question.

Play the new Los Angeles Chargers, San Francisco 49ers, and Los Angeles Rams Scratchers from the California Lottery.

A little play can make your day.

Please play responsibly.

Must be 18 years or older to purchase, play, or claim.

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She knew he was a prude who looked down on everyone.

Such a weird description.

This is why he's never at the parties.

Sounds like a dickhead.

Ian Snail, what twat.

She knew he was a prude who looked down on everyone and would no doubt lambasta in his slot on tomorrow's Steeles radio broadcast.

What on earth?

You said I didn't

say Ian Snail in the morning.

It's been a damp night, so Ian Snail's about.

What?

Sorry.

Ian Snail does the breakfast show for Steel Spots and Pans.

Sorry, there is a breakfast show for Steel Spots and Pounds.

There's a radio station.

What is it?

Hospital radio.

Maybe other companies...

What are you talking about?

Ian Snail does hospital radio for Steel Spots and Pounds.

To be fair, DJ Ian Snail does something.

A classic DJ name.

Right, sorry, can you...

Right, now we've got it all.

Yeah.

We've heard it.

Can we hear it in its entirety?

Bella, international sales director, wasted no time in jumping onto head of marketing Ian Snail's lab.

She knew he was a prude who looked down on everyone and would no doubt lambast her in his slot on tomorrow's Steeles Radio broadcast.

How have we never heard the show?

What are all this?

What was all this new information?

Why now?

You've had so long.

Oh my goodness.

But Bella lived by her one and only rule.

Don't listen to Steeles radio.

No shame, no gain.

Doesn't even rise, does it?

What does it mean?

No shame, no gain.

He was one of the...

Oh, sorry.

Oh, we're still on Ian.

Oh, my God.

He was one of the last names on her colleague Bingo card, and she was not about to miss the opportunity.

Oh, so she's working her way through the whole office.

Well, that makes a bit more sense for her character arc.

Do you, please?

Do you think that's a thing?

Do you think people have that in their offices?

Um, no.

Well, we worked in an office together.

Think about that office.

Although they all did, actually.

Oh, what?

Well, then, why were we all left out?

Why weren't we on someone's card?

I never slept with anybody in that office.

Did you?

No.

Did you?

No, no, no.

So everyone was at it apart from the three of us.

Oh, it was quite a promiscuous office.

It was a bit steel spots and pans.

I feel genuinely left out.

For Belinda, it had been a hell of a few weeks.

Tell me about it.

We've been there, sweetheart.

She was ready for Carnal Congress, and she was to be Speaker of the House.

Lovely.

Very nice.

Quite good, dad.

Who is the Speaker of the House?

Nancy Pelosi.

Yeah, currently.

So she's the Nancy Pelosi of sex.

That is quite close.

Sorry.

That is quite close.

I think that's a good one.

Carnal Congress.

Yeah, we've been clicking on it.

Yeah, but then it stands alongside Ian Snails.

You have to weigh these things up.

Peaks and troughs.

Yeah, exactly.

Life is full of, you know, Ian Snails and Carnal Congress.

You know, it's ups and downs.

She giddily ran into the ring-a-ring-a-rosie of her very own RSMs.

Okay, important to note: a nursery rhyme about was it?

Death by measles?

Black death, is it?

Yeah, the plague.

Plague.

Right.

Sexy.

So she giddily ran into the ring-a-ring-a-rosie of her very own RSMs.

Patrick, Dave, Ken, and Des,

or PTKD RSM4, as Belinda had always called them.

Never.

Never.

All together?

Not in her whole life.

As our catchphrase goes.

P-D-K-D-R-S-M-4.

Who were all naked and ready for action.

The mere sight of Belinda's bosom made Paddy's penis puff up.

The sight of her boobs can't.

They're always out.

Yeah.

Puff up.

Puff up.

That's swelling.

Fet antihistamine, sweetheart.

Belinda smiled.

His cock was as inspiring as Patty Boyd, and she hopped on board.

Who's Patty Boyd?

Patty Boyd.

I know who Patty Boyd is.

Patty Boyd is.

I think she.

Does he?

Yeah.

One of the Beatles.

It's either Ringo Starr or.

Patty Boyd is not one of the Beatles.

Or George Harrison's wife.

George John Paul of Patty Boyd.

You know, that fifth Beatle, you quite make the curve.

It was Patty Boyd.

No, I think she was one, yeah, either Ringo or George.

Google her.

Like, wife.

We were going to until you started rambling.

Sorry.

She was married to Eric Clapton.

Is that who you mean?

Oh.

So she was in the Beatles and she was married to Eric Clapton.

Wonderful Tonight is written about her.

Oh.

Are you sure she wasn't married to George Harrison?

Maybe she was married to both of them.

I'm really trying to help you here, Jane, but it's not looking good.

She was more...

Marriage to George Harrison.

And Eric Clapton.

And Eric Clapton.

And Wonderful Tonight was written about her.

Any other songs?

If I Needed Someone

from George Harrison.

If I need somebody, that one.

No, that's Gabrielle.

Shola Rama.

Shola Rama.

Oh my God, can we have a moment's silence for Shola Rama?

She's still with us, but I just miss her.

Something.

Tune.

And For You Blue.

Oh my god.

And Clapton's songs, Layla, Bell Bottom Blues, and Wonderful Tonight.

These are all about Boydie.

This is all about Boydie.

She inspired all of those songs.

All those songs.

So so his dick was in as inspiring as patty boyd oh god

right yes

oh god if his dick starts singing

you might need somebody

singing shoulderama

so um

yeah

so yeah his dick was as his cock was as inspiring as patty boyda very exceptionally prodigious and she hopped on board

it's true that patrick O'Hamlin was very spirited in the sack.

Through bum pushes, he injected her with his Irish cream as he gushed up her twitchel.

Right, don't like most of that.

Injected her with Irish cream.

I'm more fixated on Twitchel myself.

Well, Twitchell's, actually, that's from our neck of the woods, isn't it, James?

What is the Twitchell a little like cut through?

Little gun a little later.

I don't know what that is.

It's just like a little alley down the side of a building.

So

he's injected Irish cream into her Twitchell.

Actually, it it kind of works because it is sort of like a little...

It is small.

Yeah, it's small and narrow.

Like I think a vagina.

Depend on the vagina.

Yeah, so I think we would say a snicket for that.

What, in Manchester?

Yeah.

Which sounds more vaginary.

Snicket.

A snicket or a twitchel.

Hang on, let me find other words.

Like, because I think every area has its own word for Allie.

Yeah, gunnel, I know.

Gunnel.

Which also sounds quite good for it.

Oh, here we go.

Let's see if any of these are good for vagina.

Okay.

Ginnel.

Oh, Ginnell, I'm thinking of, not gunnell, yeah.

Oh.

What's a gunwal then?

Sally Gunnell, isn't she?

I think you're thinking of Sally Gunnell.

She's an Olympic hurdler.

Diddlum.

Oh.

Oh, I like Diddlum.

I did her in the Diddleum.

Bobola.

Upper Bobola.

Upper Bobola.

Wasn't that the last pandemic?

That's Ebola.

We got it.

Thank God it's sunny today because I need some chicken.

Back in your box, box, you.

Yeah, you too.

Twitem.

Twitem.

That sounds like a bit there's a bit of twattage in Twitter, isn't there?

I don't like this one.

Cheese log.

Oh, my.

Cheese log.

Oh my god, who says that?

In Berkshire.

Oh, wow.

In Berkshire, you rancid little toads.

A dimpsey.

I like dimpsy.

Maybe he's a bitch cutesy.

We know each other so well now.

We could perfectly talk dirty to one another, I think.

Show us your dimpsey.

Dimpsy is too late.

I'm not showing my dimpsy to you.

Put your dimpsy away.

And then finally, from Bristol, Gert.

Well, that's hardcore, isn't it?

Yeah, that's a bit harsh, isn't it?

That one.

Gert.

Right in the girt.

I kicked her in the girt.

Yeah, no, it's not all right.

This dynamite sex act added fuel to her fanny, and Belinda immediately knew the next one was needed.

Turning to Dave Wilcox, she stuffed his drain pipe into a downspout.

Oh,

Someone's been doing DIY, Rocky,

and screamed, Make it rain.

Oh my god, this woman.

He had stamina, rhythm, and quite loud grunts, all of which made Belinda get off within three and a quarter minutes.

What I really enjoy it is Rocky will get down to some quite like gross sex, but he doesn't really know what to do once they're there.

Yeah, he's just moving through them all.

And they did it.

And penetrate and leave.

Penetrate and leave.

Like, he doesn't really know.

And everybody just comes really quickly so he can move on.

I want a face fuck finish.

Belinda screamed.

A face fuck finish.

Are you sure?

Who are we?

Brommy, right?

Dave Falcox, we said.

Yeah, like Dudley

Kiddiminster.

Dudley, though, not the same as Brommy.

Don't get us introduced.

Oh, sorry, I'll black country.

Are you sure?

Dave spluttered.

Obey me.

But avoid my hair, including lashes and brows.

Well, God, is it all fake?

Has she got fake lashes on?

He gunked thick dollops of white cum all over her beautiful face.

We haven't had cum for a while, have we?

No.

On what?

Her hair.

Face.

Face.

Not in beautiful clotted cream dollops.

And he managed to avoid her eyelashes, eyebrows, and hair.

He's an artist.

So his milkshake was thick.

The texture of warm margarine.

I don't like how much he's dwelling on the cum.

Does he think this is the sexiest bit?

The viscosity of the cum.

Warm margarine.

Yeah, it's very cool.

Very liquid warm margarine.

Very oil, like just an oil.

An oil slick.

His milkshake was thick.

The texture of warm margarine.

Has he ever made a milkshake?

It sounds disgusting.

With the scent of bleach.

Bleach.

Bleach margarine.

Cum smells of bleach, would you?

I suppose if you always come in the toilet, then probably smells of bleach.

Do you know what someone revealed to me once?

Pancake batter.

Oh, really?

Smells like cum.

Does it?

Next time you're making pancakes, dick your nose in.

So, loads of teenage boys like, Mum, I was just not making pancakes anyway.

I'm just flipping pancake.

All over this magazine.

I was just making pancakes.

Belinda loved this face mask.

And as she rubbed the proteins and micro-minerals into her skin.

It's not face cream, Madonna.

She moved on.

L'Oreal Paris.

Why is he going into like

peptides?

She is worse.

Maybe she's born with it.

Maybe it's cum

into her skin.

She moved on to her next comrade.

Without missing a beat, Belinda squatted on Des Martin's face.

She never misses a beat.

She is mustard on the beat.

She has never missed a beat.

He was always good for lubrication, whether through tears or dribble.

Oh, Christ.

Neither a good lubricant.

Through advanced aerobic moves, Belinda was able to smear Paddy's sap onto Des's damp patch.

Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait.

Smear?

So they've come from before she's put on.

That's on her face, isn't it?

Yeah, so she's wiped it off her face, which she's.

Oh, no, because Paddy like gushed up a twitchel.

So if she's sitting on his face, she'll still have Paddy's sap.

She can deposit that.

So she waits.

She can deposit Paddy onto who?

Onto Des.

And then her face is covered in who?

Dave.

Wilcox, yeah.

So if she snogs somebody, then they're getting bad.

They'll get Dave.

Oh, lucky them.

So through advanced aerobic moves, Belinda was able to smear Paddy's sap onto Des's damp patch.

And that's how four people father, one child.

They feel maximum titillation.

Is this the prequel to Mamma Mia?

My God.

20 years' time on an island in Crete, Merrill Street.

Mom, tell me how you met my dad.

Really?

Are you sure?

In time, she left one head and supplied another kind.

Right, yeah, blowjob.

She took his cock in her sticky jaws and closed her mouth.

It's all very.

I feel like she's like cartwheeling over one person, like jumping on another.

It's like an assault cord.

It's in that like sexy drop she does, doesn't it?

Aerobic moves, guys, you know.

As she sucked him off, Dez was in rapture and spontaneously began to play the drum solo from Phil Collins in the air tonight on her ample ass cheek.

It's a bit like the EastEnders.

When you do it,

you've got a subwoofer in your mouth.

Thank you.

So to speak.

That's another word.

Belinda's subwoofer was.

All of a sudden, Belinda felt a vibration in her thigh region.

Wait, it's not going to be Bloody Senior Zip, is it?

She knew it wasn't part of the song.

So she...

Interception, interception.

So she immediately checked her garter pager.

Oh my god.

Alice.

How do you know?

For the first time in 10 chapters, I actually know what's going on.

Alice, guess what?

What?

Belinda blinked.

Come on.

Can we do garter pager?

Well, it's just a pager and a garter.

I think a garter pager is making it sound more eye tech than it is.

So Belinda blinked.

Never forget, James.

Part of that phrase is pager, which is one of the oldest technologies.

It goes back to Mayan times.

Sir James has requested presents.

Sir James?

She articulated to the throng of colleagues.

Sir James has requested my presence.

Why is she telling everyone so haven't said?

Sir James, but Sir James left the company.

Has he?

Do you remember he's gone like vigilante?

Oh, yeah.

He's gone to like investigate his wife's death or something.

Oh, Arabelle or Arabella or whatever she's called.

So Sir James has requested my presence.

Sir James?

What?

Impossible.

Get off.

Oh my god!

You know what?

I would pay good money for this one-man show.

How did he know the voices to do that?

I just made some up.

Okay.

Sir James.

What?

Impossible.

Get off.

Who's get off?

Who's that little sissy at the end?

That's Ian Snail.

Sweaty voices sounded.

Sweaty voices.

Wet mouths.

Sweat's the least of your worries on those mouths.

No.

Sir James is on a mission to avenge his Mrs.

Mishap of death.

His missus mishap of death?

Yes, which

is not a smart man, is he?

This guy.

Dave.

This Dave.

Also, death's not really a mishap, is it?

Oh, I might have died.

There's been a little bit of a mishap.

Oh, right, yeah.

Your wife's death.

Mishap.

More, won't, wait.

Can you imagine?

The police at the door.

You might want to sit down.

There's been a mishap.

You don't believe this.

It's been a shenanigan.

Coach, the energy out there felt different.

What changed for the team today?

It was the new game day scratchers from the California Lottery.

Play is everything.

Those games sent the team's energy through the roof.

Are you saying it was the off-field play that made the difference on the field?

Hey, a little play makes your day, and today it made the game.

That's all for now.

Coach, one more question.

Play the new Los Angeles Chargers, San Francisco 49ers, and Los Angeles Rams Scratchers from the California Lottery.

A little play can make your day.

Please play responsibly.

Must be 18 years or older to purchase, play, or claim.

Her thigh jiggled again.

She read her paging device with 98% concentration.

The extra two were reserved for the coming Ken in the breakout zone.

He's still coming.

In the breakout zone.

In the breakout zone.

Lovely.

Can't do it at your desk.

That was not the purpose of the breakout zone.

Isn't his desk?

Oh, Ethel.

I'm oozing between your beautiful bits of beef.

Ethel's involved.

Why shouldn't she be?

Well.

No, why shouldn't she be doing?

Why shouldn't Ethel have a good time?

Well, if you're...

I don't think you heard me properly, I said.

Ethel's involved!

Yes, Queen Ethel!

More like it.

Oh, Ethel, I'm oozing between your beautiful bits of beef.

Reading once again, Belinda sprang to her heels.

No, I must answer my mentor, friend, and co-worker when he pages.

Not your co-worker.

I would say he's not your mentor either, really.

Or your friend.

So none of the above.

Good.

He's got no right to reply, has he?

She can say whatever she wants.

Moments later, Belinda was sat in Sir James's office.

It hadn't changed much.

It still had a tottering pile of petty cash slips on the desk and a boar's head on the wall.

A mixture of styles.

Hi, Sir James, Belinda said, trying to wipe the sweat from her erogenous zones.

And the cum.

Oh, he's not happy, is he?

Sir James snorted.

How far?

I thought you were off finding the slayer of your wife.

Slayer.

Slayer of your wife is totally a spin-off.

What's that?

What?

Oh, yes.

No.

Well, yes.

I'm.

I think it's not from a nap.

What was that?

What?

Oh, yes.

Well, no.

Well, yes.

I'm temporarily out of spying action due to a spot of back trouble, if you must know, Blumenthal.

Belinda flashed him a smile from the face and an eye fall from the crotch.

Sir James drooled spit.

Regaining composure, he almost shouted, I understand you aren't happy, Blumenthal.

Oh!

What?

She's gonna get a promotion.

But where can she go?

To the top.

To the very top.

She could be the chairwoman.

She could be the MD.

Wait, wait, wait, wait.

Could she get her bonus?

Oh!

Oh

my god.

The books are, all the bylines were, how's the sexiest woman in pots and pans?

Fucking hell, she's earned it.

If this has earned it.

I understand you aren't happy, Broomenthal.

Excuse me, Sir James.

I'm as happy as Victoria and Albert, thank you.

Were they your famous?

Let's not.

Let's not twelve.

Alice, there's no time.

Something about your title drop.

Oh,

well, yes, sir.

The demotion was a bit of a shock.

Imagine what she looks like for this chap.

She's coated and calm.

She's like, all over her.

Honestly, fake eyelashes stuck to her forehead, one stuck to her chest, pull them all over her from four different people, like dress in tatters, torn to shreds.

And she's like, oh yeah, no, actually, yeah, it would be great to talk about

the company right now.

So the demotion was a bit of a shock.

Belinda's lips moved.

Why?

Sir James gobbled, half distracted by his desktop toasty maker.

You would be.

Why do they all have like devices to make snacks in their office?

Because it's a pots and pans company.

I don't know.

I just don't think any of them ever go home, so that's the only way they can eat.

That's true, yeah.

Medical's not on duty with a bloody beef flaps or whatever it is.

And Tony's got like a sofa bed in his office.

It's a very sad company when you think about it.

Terrible work-life balance.

Thank God for Ian Snail's show.

He really raises everyone's spirits.

Couldn't get through a morning without that breakfast show.

He really is the jester of the company, isn't he?

My favourite feature is Snail's Nail, where he reads...

He reads all the texts and emails from the snow.

And letters from the post bag.

Oh my god, it's also gotta be like a 10-hour show because nobody else is doing one.

Also, he's very slow.

Oh my gosh, he speaks when he's like,

Hello and welcome to Steel's Radio.

100%, that is how we talk.

Here's Snail's Smail.

I mean, that's just a bonus episode, isn't it?

Jamie doing, Ian doing.

Whole footnotes.

Yeah.

Snails radio.

Snails radio.

Oh my god, yeah.

so he's like why

well

because i really do feel it's a bit of an insult given but sir james cut her off

look

business is brutal blumenthal it's not personal

it's a job and you need to stop looking at it like an extension of your lifestyle Two things.

What has happened to Sir James?

It's not his voice.

So very snarly and gnarly.

Secondly, they make you live, eat, breathe pots and pans.

What does he expect?

Yeah, this is what they've demanded of her.

Her lifestyle is her job, like there's no distinction.

And most companies would applaud that mentality.

Yeah, I don't like his manner at all.

But Sir James, I've given everything to this company.

Exactly.

I nearly died twice for the love of the Norse dogs.

I nearly died twice.

She's got a point.

And in so doing, you missed valuable trading time.

Are you fucking kidding me?

Sir James.

If you can't sell a pan, get out of the kitchen.

That's what I say.

Yeah, that's right.

That's true.

Don't sell them in kitchens because you're probably in the wrong place.

But Sir James.

Silence!

I never want to hear about your complaining game, Blueberth.

Oh, my God.

Do you understand me?

Oh, my God.

Get off his face, see who's underneath.

You should be glad of any job at all in this economy.

In this economy?

Not in this economy.

You are nothing but a worker aunt and are as replaceable.

What?

Aunt Aunt.

Aunt.

Aunt.

Aunt?

Aunt is she?

Not even punt people say aunt.

The aunts who've got an aunt problem.

An aunt's expenses by aunt.

Somebody left the jam out.

There's aunts everywhere.

There's aunts in my pants.

You are nothing but a worker aunt and are as replaceable as a used toilet roll.

I mean, there's more delicate ways to say that, aren't there?

Belinda was flummoxed.

Yep.

You're not going to cry, are you?

What has happened to him?

Is he drunk?

What, Jamie or?

Yeah, as I said.

Because business is brutal and there's no room for emotions.

He's gone off to avenge the death of his long-dead wife, Arabelle, or whatever.

Moments later, Belinda was in the ladies' lose.

Crying.

Not to cry.

Oh,

never.

Instead, Belinda took out her personal nutwork telephone device.

Telephony.

Sir James's words were still bellowing around her head.

Business is bruised, Bloom and Thor.

Oh yes, the meeting was in a cave.

I love an echo in this book.

Ensuring her aloneness by looking from the powder room bit to the toilet bit, she dialed.

Who's she calling?

Wait, what do you who do you think?

I don't know.

Sorry, I keep having me.

Well, the last theory worked so well, I thought I'll throw in another.

Rewind.

Oh no, not another rewind.

Do you remember who did a rewind before?

Is it a fucking flashback?

Rewind.

The sun beads scattered across Belinda's Berlin hotel room.

She gazed down.

It's the knock.

It's the knock at the door.

It's going to be the knock at the door.

It's going to be the knock.

Oh my god.

Oh my god.

Oh my god.

Everyone, sit up straight.

Sit up straight.

She gazed down.

We turn her down.

Pause.

She gazed down at two of the bravest women on land, sea or space.

How lucky she was to have an MI5 duchess and an FBI agent in her corner of life.

An efficient rap on the door startled her.

I'm so pissed now.

Surely Bish hadn't escaped from the jailhouse already.

Tentatively Belinda crossed the room.

She picked up the handle.

There's no time.

She picked up the handle and turned.

She opened the door, crossing all fingers and toes for hospitality.

But instead, why can this woman not even open a door?

But instead of a bellhop,

there stood a Petra.

Petra.

Herr Bisch's personal system

is very explicit.

Petra.

Hang on, we're not going to get Petra's voice away.

You can't redo it.

Yes, you can.

I see the Freulein Sniffy.

I'm sorry.

Well, Clara.

I see

the Freulein Smithy

is not so true for

you.

Oh, because you're Smithy and she's not you.

Belinda Bromovo.

What do you want, Belinda bark?

What do you want?

Belinda barked, not wanting to entertain the enemy.

Petra watched every inch of Belinda's naked body, taking in tits, tumbling flaps.

Eyes lingering on the upper thigh bone, Petra kind of whispered, Oh,

it's true.

Belinda looked where Petra looked.

The beautiful bee tree tattoo was stunning in the morning hue.

So,

here's the deal.

Petra

the deal.

So,

here's the deal.

It's very hard for her to be menacing because she's completely like you just can't can't hear a word she's saying.

Petra continued back to normal volume.

So, here's the deal.

Due to the unforeseen circumstances of last night, and the fact that you are here's only here,

she's taking over Bish hairstalon.

Belinda blinked.

Do you understand?

I hope she does.

I hope you understand.

Do you understand?

You inherited all.

Can you give us a hope you understand for old time's sake?

I hope you understand.

Can you please make it that in the book?

You inherited all.

You are now president and chief operating executive officer of Bish Herstung.

Fucking.

Oh

my god, what a twist.

Emotions chugged through Belinda's body like Thomas the Tank Engine on a coal binge.

This is my first Thomas the Tank Engine, Rare.

Also, I'm not sure you can say Thomas the Tank Engine on any kind of binge.

She finally managed to settle her stomach and spoke.

You snivelling disgrace of a schnitzel.

Oh God.

What on earth makes you think that I would ever take that job?

I am a loyal team member of Steel's Pots and Pans.

We love each other.

We support each other.

And we have each other's backsides.

I mean, she's just been given what we imagine is multi-multi-million pound conglomerate.

Yeah, but Belinda's loyal.

She's nothing if not loyal.

Listen here, Petra.

We will destroy you on the free market economy of crockery, Belinda said with authority.

She slammed the door on Petra and blew out of her mouth.

Fast forward.

Business is brutal.

Sir James's talk clattered around Belinda's cerebral matter, holding her nose with a slight stench of the steel's toilets.

Spell a bit in that.

Belinda finished dialing.

Nervous-like, she held the phone to her right earhole.

Hello, is that Petra?

Est Belinda.

I've changed my mind.

How soon can I start?

Oh,

holy shit.

Belinda blink.

Oh my god.

And that is the end of book six.

The third one.

Fucking smashed it.

Really, seriously?

Absolutely smashed it.

Twist after twist.

Twist after fucking twist.

Twist, baby, twist, baby.

Twist.

And Ian Snail.

So we got everything we ever wanted.

Oh, I didn't care about anything after Ian Snail.

Yeah, I stopped listening.

Sorry.

So, wow, wow, wow, that's so good.

She's officially the queen of pots and pans.

Like, before, she was sort of a big fish in a small pond.

Now she's a big, fat cup in a fucking ocean.

She's a shark at this stage.

All her loyalties are gone.

But she was so loyal.

She was, like you said, Al, she was offered the biggest job you could ever even imagine.

And she said no because she was loyal.

Yeah.

Business is brutal.

Well, it is now.

Fuck me.

This is full Game of Thrones.

Okay, two things.

One, Trioxy Brillo.

Two, Chrono More Knife.

That's all in there, isn't it?

She's got all that upset.

No.

Three.

That's how to sink Bishop Seling really, really quickly.

No, no, no.

This is all too much.

This is like...

It's a head rush, isn't it?

Yeah.

Yeah, so now she is the head.

What was she again?

She was the...

CFO or CEO.

The C-O-E-O.

C-I-E-I-O.

She was the P-C-O-E-O.

I beg your pardon.

President and Chief Operating Executive Officer of Bisch Hairsterling.

Wow.

Belinda is like the biggest

mogul in the world.

She's the pots and pans.

Godfather.

She's got a whole new team to bed in.

Oh my god.

Who's she going to take with her?

I mean, the only royal one really is Ian Snail.

How will she live without his bulletins?

Jimmy, I'm worried about how much Germany there might be in the future.

Oh, no.

She's got to rename it, though.

That's got to be the first pork.

Oh, yeah.

Just put her name on it.

That has got to be one of the best chapters he's ever written.

That was absolute gold.

That was amazing.

That was amazing.

And it makes it all worth it somehow.

No, no.

What it does mean is that the tattoo actually was a thing.

Because if that's the thing that Petra looked at to be like, Zachary, she's true so it has proved that although anyone can get a tattoo but it's proved

the heir of the company oh my god i'm gonna get the apple logo on my arm

see you two jobs later

you're like i've got nike i've got apple tell cook is he all right

oh my gosh well let us know what you thought of the big finale yeah i'm amazed i'm bowled over i'm a gog i'm a gog and let us know what you think is going to happen next with belinda And we should just say as well that book six is available to buy as an e-book and also as an actual real-life book.

I think dad does those now.

Just go to Amazon and type in Belinda Blinked.

And if there's going to be a big Belinda-shaped hole in your life now, then you should come see us on tour in 2022.

Yes, all over.

All over.

And back to US and Canada.

Come on.

Yes, we've finally rerouted it, so we're going to come back.

Brand new dates, keep your eyes open when they go on sale from our Instagram.

That's probably the best place.

Instagram, Twitter, we'll tell you with there.

Or my dadporner.com and our UK Europe dates were obviously rescheduled so if you've got your ticket already then you're fine but otherwise there are some left in a few cities so get yours now we checked a few extras in you know

and we will be coming back for Christmas of course it's not Christmas without Belinda oh yes this has just been the best please play Rocky next time you see him I will dad what an amazing amazing book

just brilliant as always he he always delivers he always always somehow weirdly and thanks to all the listeners for all your contributions all your fan art, anything we've used in the show.

We love it all.

So, thank you for being so involved.

You really are the best, best people to do this with.

We love it.

Keep it coming.

We've got plenty of time now till Christmas.

Yeah, keep us entertained, yeah.

And if you really can't wait for the tour, just rewind, just go back to the beginning

and then quickly fast forward.

Ta-ra.

Coach, the energy energy out there felt different.

What changed for the team today?

It was the new game day scratchers from the California Lottery.

Play is everything.

Those games sent the team's energy through the roof.

Are you saying it was the off-field play that made the difference on the field?

Hey, a little play makes your day, and today it made the game.

That's all for now.

Coach, one more question: play the new Los Angeles Chargers, San Francisco 49ers, and Los Angeles Rams Scratchers from the California Lottery.

A little play can make your day.

Please play responsibly, must be 18 years or older to purchase, play, or claim.