S6E7 - 'HS2'

We get it.

It's more important than ever to get the most out of your money.

Options are key.

Options like Lyft, where you get great rewards, especially with partners like Dash Pass by DoorDash.

If you're a Dash Pass member, just link your DoorDash account and you'll get 5% off on-demand rides, 10% off scheduled rides to the airport, plus two free priority pickup upgrades every month.

New to Dash Pass?

To sign up for a three-month free trial, check Lyft.

Terms apply.

Hey, it's Brian Christopher.

Ready to show the summer?

You're in luck.

I'm hanging out at Chumpa Casino, and you're in for a treat.

Chillax with hundreds of games, daily bonuses, exciting spins, and epic prizes.

It's all here, always free to play.

Kick back, have fun, and head to chumpacasino.com.

Let's make this summer legendary.

Sponsored by Chumba Casino, no purchase necessary.

VGW Group, void where prohibited by law.

CTNC's 21 Plus.

Coach, the energy out there felt different.

What changed for the team today?

It was the new game day scratchers from the California Lottery.

Play is everything.

Those games sent the team's energy through the roof.

Are you saying it was the off-field play that made the difference on the field?

Hey, a little play makes your day, and today it made the game.

That's all for now.

Coach, one more question.

Play the new Los Angeles Chargers, San Francisco 49ers, and Los Angeles Rams Scratchers from the California Lottery.

A little play can make your day.

Please play responsibly.

Must be 18 years or older to purchase play or claim.

The following podcast contains adult themes, sexual content and strong language.

Basically, all the good stuff.

Hello and welcome to my dad wrote a porno.

How are we guys?

It's sunny.

It's lovely.

It's sunny.

It's lovely.

I moved house this week.

Oh yes, many congrats.

Thank you very much.

Thank you very much.

And the weirdest thing happened.

So, the seller, the owner before me, left me a little pack of kind of handover stuff,

a million spare keys and all that sort of thing.

And there was a piece of paper on top of all this stuff with all the

neighbours listed on it.

So, like, who was the names of who was either side?

Please send me those little descriptions of all of them.

Well, and he's gone quite far in both directions, so he knows a lot of the neighbours.

Okay.

But what's interesting is he's marked everyone who is gay as gay.

No!

Stop.

I've got it all here.

Is that legal?

Gay?

And he's just written.

Oh my god.

Gay, gay, gay.

Wait, wait, wait.

Is he gay?

I don't know.

I never met him.

How does he know I'm gay or does he think I'm gay?

James, that is quite a street of gays.

You've got three in a row.

I've got three.

There's four now.

There's four gays in a row.

You've got a three-way there.

Well, actually, it's a four-way because you've got Kevin and Michael next to Terry, next to David.

I know, I think Terry and David should knock through and become a couple.

You've got a kind of straight straight annex or straight ghetto over here.

We've got Claire and Richard, Simon, Samuel, Sarah, and Rachel.

They're the kids.

Oh, they're the kids.

They're the kids.

Of Claire and Richard.

Exactly.

Right, okay.

And there's a gap, which is you, I guess.

You've got this one.

So you're sort of the bridge between the two worlds.

Yes.

I'm the bridge from gay to straight.

You're the bisexual one of the street.

What I find interesting is like he hasn't gone subtle.

Like Kevin and Michael, for example, he hasn't just written like couple.

He's written in big capital letters, gay.

Gay, gay, gay.

But so, like, why tell me this?

Like, did you know who I was?

Did you know I was gay?

Maybe he listens to the podcast.

Oh, well, if you're listening, Tom, hope you will.

This is unbelievable.

I've never seen anything like this.

I don't know how I feel about it.

Because he's outed half the street as well, which is probably some sort of data protection issue.

The thing with this is that it makes it feel like this is a street that's going to know everybody else's business.

So, James, your private life's not your own now.

That's what I thought as well.

I was like, do I have to register somewhere my gayness?

You are right in the middle.

So, I am wondering if it's a kind of.

So, which way are you going to go when you need to borrow that cup of sugar?

It's where community kind of teeters into.

Surveillance?

Yeah.

Oh, yeah, it's neighborhood watch on steroids.

I mean, it's also potentially deeply homophobic, but we don't know, do we?

We just don't know.

I mean, it could be go right because gay, gay, gay.

Or it could be take yourself left because go, go, go.

I've already met Claire.

She's lovely.

Straight.

Straight.

Straight with the kids.

Brackets straight.

She's lovely.

Yeah, there's no brackets straight for the other side.

That's true.

Outrageous.

Yeah.

Yeah, Simon, he's got nothing.

Like, he doesn't have a partner written down.

So we don't...

I mean...

Simon's on his own and, yeah, no sexual preference.

Bracket's single.

Ambiguous?

Anyway, I think I'm going to get it framed.

That's so great.

That is the perfect downstairs toilet piece of art.

Yeah, I might take, when I meet the neighbours, I might take around.

Hi, yeah, Terry.

Yeah, it's just.

a cool game.

Well, James, welcome to the neighborhood.

Thank you.

Thank you.

I'll fit right in, I think.

Well, by the sounds of it, yeah.

Yeah, somewhere between the straits and the gays.

That's where I've always wanted to be.

So we should get on to chapter seven.

Oh, yes, sorry, yes, of course.

That's why we're here.

What happened?

Oh, yeah, because we never do that, do we?

No.

We are so forgetful this year.

Belinda went home to her mother,

had sex with Clint in the weird sea containers, and discovered that the 3B tree tattoo was a gift from her mother on her 18th birthday.

And yes, it does mean that Bish is in some way family.

Yes, and Rocky, in his inimitable style, left us hanging as to quite what it meant.

Exactly.

Is he her father?

Is he her grandfather?

Is he a long-lost uncle?

And so it doesn't matter at all because he's like sort of 13 times removed and only by marriage.

We don't know.

And we had a lot of fun with her mum.

Oh, she was great.

Quite the singer, was she slash I?

A full-time career burlesque performer.

Mm-hmm.

To mediocre success.

But it's not all about the plaudits and the awards.

You know, she just does it because she loves it.

So what's the next chapter called, dear?

This

chapter is called HS2.

HS2?

HS2?

The high-speed train.

I did think that when I saw it, I was like, HS2 does ring a bell.

International listeners, that's a proposed extension of the regular line in London that goes...

Where's it going?

It's going to go all the way to Birmingham and be like a high-speed rail line between the two, so it connects kind of the Midlands slash north to London a bit more.

Okay, so Belinda Blink 6, Chapter 7, HS2.

Family, Belinda blothered.

Blothered.

Blumenthal.

But but how?

Well,

old mother Blumenthal said.

Oh, I think that is here.

Well,

you are Belinda, which makes you my daughter.

Which in turn makes me your mother.

Oh, God, you're just stalling for time.

And Wolfgang is my stepfather's first son from a previous marriage, many moons before my own conception.

Can I just say, cha-ching, cha-ching, cha-ching, jackpot, order that tell you?

Wait, what?

Is his stepfather's first son?

Stepfather's first son from a previous marriage many moons before my own conception.

So half-brother?

Yeah.

Stepbrother.

Yeah, and there's what, an age gap of...

Well, we imagine 80 years, because he's absolutely ancient.

Although old Mother Blumenthal seems quite old.

Yeah, because he's, what, 40?

He's prehistoric.

Well, she goes on to say.

That explains how I'm a coquettish 53 and he is a decomposing 87.

It really does, doesn't it?

It really does explain that.

Yeah, I love it.

That explains uncovers completely.

No more questions at this time.

But it also makes Herr Wolfgang Bisch your stepuncle, Belinda.

Okay, fine.

But she's also never done anything with him, has she?

So there's nothing dodgy.

Yeah, nothing dodgy there.

Okay, great.

Phew.

I mean, how could you?

How would you?

Sorry.

Also, does that mean I'm sure she's coming to it?

I hate to interrupt.

You know me, Jamie.

I hate to interrupt these books.

I really do.

He's so shy.

Don't look at him.

She's got a tattoo of her stepuncle's name.

Well, it's on her.

I guess it's her name and.

Because he's still part of the family, mate.

I don't.

What are you talking about?

I don't know.

He's still part of the family.

You always make me have to defend Dad.

Oh my God.

Because you choose such a strange defence.

I think because...

He's still part of the family.

I mean, why not tattoo it with your 18-year-old daughter?

I think because I read it and obviously I'm the son of dad.

I just feel like...

Why are you talking like old mother Blumenthal?

I don't have a secret connection to his brain.

There must have been a closer relative to attach it to, though.

It was a business.

I mean, the whole family's Blumenthal.

It could have been just like your grandma who had the same surname as you.

But Bish is your step-uncle, Belinda.

And he has been looking for you since birth.

Why?

Why?

How does he generation this?

It's so easy to find.

Ask old Mother Blumenthal.

She'll say she's just what the muzzle typhoid.

And that's your

Oh no, you're the mother.

And wait, since birth.

So not even in relation to her work in pots and pans.

He's been looking for her since birth.

29 years.

So nothing to do with her work.

Nothing to do with the tattoo.

Nothing to do with her work.

Just looking for her.

But old Mother Blumenthal did say that he was a horrible man.

So maybe she, you know, estranged herself and her children from him.

Maybe.

But we presumed that Bish's interest in Belinda was her connection to Trioxy Brillo, or at least her connection to Pots and Pans.

Yeah, you're right.

Not just like her being a bait, like, not just her being born.

I don't understand.

Also, when she was a baby, we presumed she was just with old Mother Blumenthal.

So I must find her.

Well, she's right there.

So he's been looking for you since birth.

I always feared this day would come, darling.

And it has.

Today.

Now.

She's mad as a box of frogs, isn't she?

He has found you.

And that makes you well and truly fucked.

Well, he hasn't found you.

Mum.

Belinda blinked.

I mean, you would.

Never a truer blink done.

As she chewed-chewed back to her private London paradise.

Belinda's mind was in wretching disgust.

Is she on the HS2?

Exactly.

What's private about her paradise again?

Her own flat, I think.

Right.

It's quite a nice way of thinking about it.

Her own private paradise.

It's not very private, though.

I think it's surrounded by glass.

I think it's surrounded by gays like yours.

Yeah, yours won't be private.

We know that much.

Oh my god.

The parties we'll have.

It's gonna be like Mardi Gras, James.

What is it?

It's gonna be like Heaven Nightclub.

Every day.

Every bloody day.

You should come around.

Breakfast time.

It's gonna be like the club.

We're gonna paint the street in a rainbow.

It'd be lovely.

We were making big assumptions about the gay contingent of the street.

I mean, they might not like clubbing.

It might be really boring.

Oh, I think they'll probably hate me, yeah.

Well, especially when you go around and go, your reputation proceeds here.

You're even close to the street.

Top or bottom.

And by that I mean I'm new at number 12.

Do you want to watch Drag Race?

No?

Okay, goodbye.

And all other stereotypes available.

At home, she drowned her body in soapy suds, attempting to wash away the reality of her birth.

It's really not like, not a reverber.

It doesn't matter.

Also, stepuncle, not your birth.

It doesn't matter.

I wouldn't worry about it.

I really wouldn't.

As she scrubbed and scratched at her beautiful BBB tree tattoo, the door intercom chimed its pretty little melody.

Fundamentally misunderstanding how a tattoo works.

You're not going to scrub it away, are you?

She's thinking of pen.

And not even permanent marker, just like bio.

Yeah.

Effing and blinding, Belinda hauled herself from the wet room and dragged her sorry ass to the high-tech hall-based communication contraption.

Hall-based?

Wetroom?

And honestly, all of it.

what she demanded her phone manner we've said it before we'll say it again for somebody that's in a semi-public facing role she has no manners on the phone terrible terrible what

she demanded flooding the swirly carpet in her stance oh

sorry i enjoyed that paetch spoke the intercom machine i mean she's met her match in terms of communication oh Enter as you choose.

Floor six, penthouse nine.

Floor six, penthouse nine.

I thought there's only one penthouse.

That was a point of point.

Do with that what you will.

I'll just leave this here and I expect it to be gone by morning.

Floor six, penthouse nine.

How could it possibly work?

That's the point of the penthouse.

Does that mean there's nine penthouses at least?

But are they all on the sixth floor?

And also, aren't they usually on the top floor?

Yeah, there's normally only one because they are

the sixth floor.

The sixth sixth floor could be the top floor.

But then, doesn't it sort of render being in the penthouse a little bit pointless?

Wait, but there's nine of them.

That's what I mean.

There's more penthouses than flats beneath them.

The building is a chode.

It's like very, very wide, but quite short.

Oh, did you get one of the penthouses?

It's all they've got.

Funny.

Belinda hadn't ordered takeaway, but she was always up.

Well, that should ring an alarm bell.

Yeah, go.

Life's in danger.

Ding-dong, pizza.

I didn't order a pizza.

Come on up.

I'm in the penthouse, nine.

No, because you know when like someone rings a flat, if they've got a delivery for a flat and they're not answering, they're like, delivery.

I'm like, well, I'm not letting you in.

You could be anyone.

Did I not tell you about that time that happened recently to me?

No.

And you know, there's a bank of buzzers on my thing.

There's six buzzers.

Six buzzers, nine penthouses.

I'm not in the penthouse.

So this guy buzzed my buzzer and obviously buzzed all the other ones.

I was like, oh, fuck's sake.

You know, like, just if you're having friends around, you know, give them the right number.

And then I went downstairs and he was rifling through the pigeonholes of everybody's posts.

Not the pigeonholes.

The pigeonholes.

And you know they're sacred.

And I said, what are you doing here?

And he said, oh, I'm just visiting a friend.

Do they live in the pigeon holes?

They're a pigeon.

And I said, I'm so sorry.

Be on your way.

The person in question was a pigeon.

I should have started the story with that.

I'm sorry if that was confusing.

But you know, when I get into my sort of vigilante

kind of momentum.

Do we know?

Do we know?

We've experienced it.

So I said,

oh, great.

What flat does your friend live in?

The queen of passive aggression, Alice Devine.

Wonderful.

What's her name?

And he said the number.

There is no number 18.

Oh,

you got that pigeon in its tracks.

And I said, Pidge, get out of here.

Fly away home.

And he was genuinely scared because I said, I never want to see you in here again.

It was a proper, like, soap opera, like, get out of my park moment.

I never want to see you again.

Also the door is quite clunky as you know.

And so then he was trying to get out and I was like, oh, he's scared.

Also, who keeps anything valuable in a pigeonhole?

I mean, what was he doing there?

I guess like maybe somebody got a new debit card delivered or like, you know, it's got your information on bills and things.

Rubbish them.

I didn't really have time to quiz him about his methodology.

Well, you don't speak pigeon.

He was a big fat pigeon.

Yeah, and pigeons are vermin, so it's good to get them out of the house.

So, um, Belinda had an order to takeaway, but she was always up for a just meat delivery, no matter the hour.

Just eat.

Oh, I thought that meant like ordering in some meat.

Meat.

Well, it probably does.

Actually, that's another pawn trope, isn't it?

The pizza delivery boy.

I was going to say, she's so going to shag the delivery guy.

Wrapping her long finger claws on the doorframe architrave, she waited for her banquet to be brought to her.

The doorframe?

What now?

Architrave.

What's an architrave?

That's like the moulding around a a new wall.

Oh, look at Alice pointing.

It's like that.

It's Victoria.

It's like that original feature.

I like that she didn't order it, but she can't wait for her feast.

She doesn't know what it is.

Pizza's not a banquet, is it?

Let's be honest.

Depends how many you are.

The lift was broken, so a good 10 minutes later, she opened the sturdy door with copious security measures.

What do we know about those?

We do.

There, stood there, was a gourmless pizza boy, all of 19 and greasy.

Wait, is Chiara Montague still trapped in this flat?

Oh yeah, she was in the back.

Maybe she ordered the pizza.

Yeah, that's true.

We get it.

It's more important than ever to get the most out of your money.

Options are key.

Options like Lyft, where you get great rewards, especially with partners like Dash Pass by DoorDash.

If you're a Dash Pass member, just link your DoorDash account and you'll get 5% off on-demand rides, 10% off scheduled rides to the airport, plus two free priority pickup upgrades every month.

New to Dash Pass?

To sign up for a three-month free trial, check Lyft.

Terms apply.

Coach, the energy out there felt different.

What changed for the team today?

It was the new game day scratchers from the California Lottery.

Play is everything.

Those games sent the team's energy through the roof.

Are you saying it was the off-field play that made the difference on the field?

Hey, a little play makes your day, and today it made the game.

That's all for now.

Coach, one more question.

Play the new Los Angeles Chargers, San Francisco 49ers, and Los Angeles Rams Scratchers from the California Lottery.

A little play can make your day.

Please responsibly.

Must be 18 years or older to purchase play or claim.

He was as blonde as a European beer.

Young.

That's very good.

Young as Febreze.

As Febreze, young as what?

Febreze.

The spray that makes things smell nice.

Well, maybe he's like fresh.

Okay.

You know, like how it freshens clothes.

But he just said he was greasy.

Young as Febreze.

How old's Febreze?

Do you mean when was the brand started?

Yeah, because I remember Febreze has been within my lifetime.

Within your lifetime?

It's 25 years old, born in 1996.

Oh, so he's actually younger than Febreze.

Well, this was written before, but who knows?

I mean,

oh, I see, yes.

We're getting into an absolute birth.

So he's under 30.

He was born within James's lifetime.

That's what they're like.

So he's as blonde as a European beer, young as Febreze, and horny as a ram goat in Eastrus.

I beg your pardon?

In where, sorry?

Eastrus.

What's Eastrus?

Don't look at me, I don't know.

Can you Google it, please?

Yes, I'm Google.

You know, when Jamie gives you the eye, like, go on.

I'm like, I haven't.

Helped me.

I genuinely don't know what you said for the last 10 minutes.

O-E-S-T-R-U-S.

I imagine that's Eastrus.

Eerstris.

I'm serving.

It's empty can.

I mean, it's just.

A recurring period of sexual receptivity and fertility in many female mammals.

Well,

like O-E.

Uh, is like the beginning of like, uh.

Yeah.

And, like, I guess, like, I was going to say estrogen, but it's not how you spell estrogen.

I was going to say ovum, but it's not high to oven.

So is it something to do with reproduction, do you say?

It's like when you're horny.

Right.

Oh,

as horny as a ram goat and Eastress.

Oh, when they're at their most fertile and like

on heat.

And a ram goat has horns.

It works on so many levels.

It works, Rocky.

Very odd.

And the best books are where you have to spend about 10 minutes deciphering the legendary.

Googling the word, deciphering what it means.

Yeah.

Which makes these the best, because we spend so long.

You're naked, he said, steam clouding from both the pizza box and his crotch.

As if.

Don't shag him, Belinda.

You're better than this.

You're right, Belinda sassed as suds fell from both baps and pubic bush zone.

No comment.

So, you're naked.

You're right.

What's your name, young pizza boy?

Belinda vocalised, throwing the pizza box to the ground.

Lots of ways.

Don't you eat that?

Monty Jim.

Monty Jim.

Monty Jim.

And that type of cheese.

That's Montre Jack.

Monty Jim.

He gawked at her quintessential tits.

Monty Jim the Pizza Boys.

Monty Jim.

Here comes seven paragraphs on the back story of Monty Jim that I've just made up and we're never going to hear from him again.

Monty Jim the Pizza Boys overalls and chef's hat were removed as fast as the food.

She said what's your name when he's taking his clothes off?

Well he said you're naked she says you're right.

What's your name Monty Jim?

And he's wearing overalls white and a chef's hat.

He's made the pizza come straight.

It really is a one-stop shop isn't it Monty Jim's?

It had been a trying 35 hours so Belinda's gash was on the lash.

Fantastic.

And Jiz was the poison de jour ce soire

of the day tonight.

You're so right.

Poison de jour ceissoir.

Oh my god.

Read that sentence again.

That was fantastic.

It has been a trying 35 hours, so Belinda's gash was on the lash, and Giz was the poison du jour Ceiso.

That's fantastic.

That is fantastic.

Silly little man.

You fantastic, silly little man.

Belinda, almost air dry, did a headstand.

What?

What are they doing?

Legs akimbo.

You'd be really taken aback, wouldn't you?

If she just suddenly was on a head.

You'd be like, oh.

Belinda, almost air dry, did a headstand.

Legs akimbo, muff well and truly open for business.

Standing on a handy footstool with leather seat and ermine trim, Monty Jim the Pizza Boy found the most forgiving angle for entry.

There's nothing forgiving about this angle.

So she's legs akimbo, but head on the ground.

He's gonna almost enter from above yeah he's gonna like lower himself into her well i'm aghast i'm a gog so that was most forgiving angle for entry apparently there's no way yeah okay folks he popped into this stranger with a bone trembling thrust he bonked and breathed all over the shop and was very satisfied speedily

After a number of moments, he informed her he was to come.

I'm going to come.

I'm to come now.

With comprehension, Belinda repositioned herself to her knees.

Monty Jim, the pizza boy, brought his fizzing cock to Belinda's mouth, and as he lost control, she drunk from his weeping willow.

Wow.

What?

I mean, let's just take a minute for the amount of description, which probably took, what, 12 seconds to write.

I mean, it's just a jumble of words, isn't it?

But weeping willow kind of is quite good because your cocks weep it.

Well, not weeping, I mean, that sounds like a sore, but.

And what's the willow bit?

Well, it's a tree, so like a trotter.

Whenever weeping willow,

But weeping on it was like that, isn't it?

Sure, I mean, it doesn't fully work, but...

Yeah, no, I don't agree.

Question.

So she went, when did she...

So she dismounted from the headstand, got into a kneeling position.

She's on her knees.

I don't know if I'd let someone who's...

I've just met on my doorstep jizz in my face, but that's just me.

You're a prude, okay?

And I think we should probably put brackets prude under your name, honestly.

Despite his age and career achievements, Monty Jim the Pizza Boy was a man who knew how to knead Belinda's deep pan and stuff her calzone to perfection.

I'm never eating a pizza again.

Belinda had felt secure in opting for a traditional base.

So stupid, leave the metaphor alone.

But was tingled with the extra toppings.

Those being...

Those being affectionate hair stroking, oral encouragement and Bukharaki.

Where's he learned that word?

I worry that that's something that he's been on the internet and seen.

Or learned.

The Bukhaki's come in the face.

Yeah.

Isn't there more to it?

Isn't it like.

It's definitely not on a pizza menu.

I know that.

Don't ask for the Bukaki mushrooms because you'll get a hold of it.

Those little pots of garlic and herb sauce you go.

It's basically.

Well, here it says it's a sex act in which one participant is ejaculated on by multiple participants.

Right, but it's like, it's on the face, I think.

It's like.

It's in and around the face.

Etymology is Japanese.

Just Alice, tell us about the fucking etymology.

It's a noun from the Japanese verb, which means to dash or sprinkle.

So delicate, isn't it?

Just a little dash in the face, darling.

Just a Bukaki of salt.

Bukaki, babe.

As Monty Jim the Pizza Boy clapped out next to the CD rack, Melinda got quite a bit.

A CD rack!

But what do you do with all those CDs?

Get rid.

Have you got rid?

Oh, yeah.

You've still got DVDs.

You've got not a leg to stand on, my friend.

I do have a bookcase of DVDs, but I am going to file them away, I think, into like a holder.

The bin.

Well, some of them you can't get on streaming, so I'm keeping them.

What can't you get on streaming?

You're going to ask me that.

Mighty Ducks 4 or something.

Some vintage porn films is awfully attached to.

Oh, actually, that's what it is, isn't it?

I've got some really random, like, I've got...

Do you remember Starsky and Hutch with Ben Stiller and Owen Wilson?

I could live without it.

Yeah, that's for sure.

I wouldn't be panicking that it wasn't on streaming.

So as Monty Jim the pizza boy collapped out next to the CD rack, Belinda got quite a shock.

The pizza box.

Oh god.

When Jamie tuts, you know you're in trouble.

The pizza box looked like it was pulsating.

Opening it, she was shocked to see the plastic ring divider thing buzzing.

Oh, it's a message or something.

She pressed the center, hoping it would shut up, as she didn't want Monty Jim to wake up and claim his tip.

Priority, sweetheart.

What fucking Jeepscape?

She didn't order it, to be fair.

But just as she did, Senor Zip's gorgeous mouth sounds rang out through mozzarella cheese and slices of pineapples.

Senor Zip loves his communication devices, doesn't he?

So wait, where's the message coming from?

It's called a pizza saver.

Mr.

Huffman.

Belinda blinked.

The sound quality is the same whether it's a radio, a pizza.

It's always very, very hissy.

He's entered into the World Uno Championship in Berlin proper.

What?

He's entered into the championships.

Of Uno.

Oh, I thought it meant one.

No, the first champion.

No, you literally mean Uno.

Card game, Uno, which I love.

Pick up for

reverse Uber.

What?

Belinda mouthed?

Bluer.

Tonight.

Tonight.

Call

on the phone.

Why do you have to be in a fucking pizza saver from Monty Gym?

Tonight.

Belinda gasped.

Better get a move on.

That's the same.

What was the fun you said the first time?

Thought you'd like to know.

Just sign off.

You don't like, you just don't need a last message.

So hang on.

So.

You can't actually mean that Mr.

Hushman is in an Uno championship in Berlin

tonight.

What's Berlin proper?

So tonight.

C'est soi, di jour.

And get a move on.

Without a second to lose, Belinda Blumenthal gently woke up Monty Jim the pizza boy, tipped him, showed him out, packed her bags, watered the houseplants, set the security code, and left the apartment in an unparalleled rush of urgency.

Wow.

Still naked.

Still naked.

So all that and forgot to dress.

Didn't dress.

And probably didn't need the pizza.

No.

It was a high-tech communication device, not a pizza after all.

Sadly for Belinda, her flight was delayed.

She needed a rush.

She could have put clothes on.

Even a frantic Wi-Fi call to Hazel from just over Hanover couldn't help.

Of course not.

You're mid-flight.

What's another pilot supposed to do?

I have a question.

Sorry.

Why do we care about Mr.

Hushman again?

He has the blueprints.

Not for business.

But time to enter an Uno competition.

Your answer to everything they ask is...

Got the blueprints.

These fucking blueprints.

When we get them, can we take a picture of them, upload them to some site, email them to some friends, so just load them.

Copies for God's copy.

Let's get a little PDF going.

By the time she landed in the centre of German productivity, she had almost certainly missed the tournament.

Such a pity for Belinda Blumenthal was an assassin at Uno.

Was she?

Apparently.

Learn something new every day about her, don't we?

Do you think we'll get sent free Uno?

Oh, I hope so.

I love that.

I love this fresh pack of Uno.

Oh, lovely.

Because the cardboard, it crumbles very quickly.

It will perish if you take it on holiday, if that's near sand or sea.

I think there's an Uno Extreme.

I'd love to play Uno Extreme.

I've never played that.

I don't know what happens in Uno Extreme.

Maybe someone dies.

How extreme can it get?

Yes.

Uno, Rosh and Roulette.

There is only one Uno.

Sorry, this now sounds like an advert.

There is only one Uno.

You're as obsessed as Melinda.

What I mean is, there's only one game you play with Uno, though, isn't there?

Uno.

Uno, yeah.

Yeah.

That's what I mean.

Close the title.

No, but what I mean is Uno Extreme.

Is that just like how fast you go?

I don't know.

Yeah, maybe they add in more trick cards like pick up 10.

Can you imagine pick up 10?

Can you imagine what a night that's going to be?

What do you say when you have one last card?

Oh, I don't know.

Our family says Uno Lascado.

Right.

Oh my god.

Did you just say Uno?

I think we just say uno.

Some people like knock the table.

Oh yeah, we do a little knock on the table.

Oh how civilized?

Yeah.

Yeah, Yeah, Uno Lascado, which is probably some like

inappropriate

Spanish-English hybrid.

Oh my god, that's so great.

Uno Lascardo.

Uno Lascado.

Sounds like something Rocky's written for sure.

At the carousel of False Hopes, a huge man from the Rhine region leaned on Belinda's empty luggage trolley.

Oh god, we've heard him do German before.

You may have missed the game.

German.

Hey, Belinda.

You may have missed the game, but you may.

That's Spuna.

Sooner's back from the dead.

There's a guy in that Bond film.

He goes, I could shoot you from Stuttgart, Mr.

Bond, and still have a great shot.

What is he talking about?

I don't know.

He's made himself laugh, though.

That's the main thing.

He's really enjoyed his own impression.

Some little tee.

Wake up and seen it.

And he's like, what I just did was very good.

It It was terrible.

So channel that then, because that sounds a bit dumb.

You may have missed the game, but you can still win the jackpot, Belinda.

We'll go with it, but.

He stamped a sexy stamp on her hand.

Belinda blinked.

The design thoughtfully had the dress code and address included, so once her blasted case arrived, she freshened and doled up at the hotel.

It was a nice one with a chandelier and 24-hour full-menu room service.

You check your feed and your account.

You check the score and the restaurant reviews.

You check your hair and reflective surfaces and the world around you for recession indicators.

So you check all that, but you don't check to see what your ride options are.

In this economy, next time, check Lyft.

Coach, the energy out there felt different.

What changed for the team today?

It was the new game day scratchers from the the California Lottery.

Play is everything.

Those games sent the team's energy through the roof.

Are you saying it was the off-field play that made the difference on the field?

Hey, a little play makes your day, and today it made the game.

That's all for now.

Coach, one more question.

Play the new Los Angeles Chargers, San Francisco 49ers, and Los Angeles Rams Scratchers from the California Lottery.

A little play can make your day.

Please play responsibly.

Must be 18 years or older to purchase play or claim.

That's what I like to hear.

Because you know when you get in late and you're like, oh, I could murder her, whatever it is, mac and cheese, pepperoni, pizza for you, James.

Club sandwich or bust.

Yeah, there's like three things.

You're like, I don't want that.

Sorry, I think because of my terrible accent, we've missed that.

So you may have missed the game, but you can still win the jackpot.

That might be useful.

So now she's having to go to some something with a stamp.

Oh, just so that she's not going to be able to do it.

So she's missed the Uno championships.

Yeah.

But how can you still win the jackpot?

Oh, it's code.

What?

Well, maybe the jackpot being

still kept the blueprints.

It's always the answer.

It's always the answer.

I fall into the trap every time.

So, a couple of hours of darkness later, and Belinda exited her private automobile dressed head to toe in crystal-encrusted chainmail.

To be fair, sexy as fuck.

That's quite a strong look.

Heavy outfit, though, isn't it?

Really heavy.

Chainmail, isn't that what knights wore?

Yeah, ready for medieval warfare.

Danka, Daz Taxi, she said as she slinked into the sexy Berlin torture garden party.

I'm imagining like dog collars and people on maybe like leads and leather and PVC and that's kind of cool.

Yeah, whips.

Her stamp was viewed and within seconds she was in.

It was dark and smelled of Belinda's favourite stench.

Fresh sex.

Same.

As she delved deeper into the madness.

I hate that we know that.

What are you wearing?

Come.

As she delved deeper into the madness.

She bore witness to sex tourists making body casts out of hot wax, a boob, a ball, an anus.

A ball.

An anus.

How are you getting the...

I guess you're partying the sh-

Scanning the room with her special retina-sensitive shades.

She knows how to party.

At night.

She wondered where the rogue background goon was.

Mr.

Hushman.

Suddenly, the special retina-sensitive shades went into overdrive.

Small neon green typewriting words computerized across her eyes.

There is Mr.

Hushman.

Why wouldn't it just say Mr.

Hushman?

Why would it say there is?

I mean, we've all seen shit technology in films, but this is it, like the idea of.

You know, green text, you know, that kind of...

Like the matrix.

Yeah, very matrix.

Also, the crosshairs, probably yeah

scanning the face 100 and a bit like a TLC video where they do the lattice you know the sort of like grid structure over each person like voodoo scanning so

there is Mr.

Hush

he is in disguise

this technology is amazing so sophisticated

and also so casual and yet so improbable so what are these these are just retina these are her special retina retina-sensitive shades.

Retina-sensitive.

Well, they're sunglasses by the sounds of it.

So, she's scanning scanning the work in a tree.

We presume Mr.

Zip, Senior Zip to you and I, has created this device.

Yes, maybe it's in his voice, who knows?

No, please don't do it in his voice.

I'd love to know how Rocky has written the sound that you did.

Doobie-dooby-dooby-doo.

Well, it says that.

Doobie-dooby-dooby-doo.

Doobie-dooby-dooby-dee-doo.

Typical goon, Belinda Below told Belinda above.

Always hiding and not facing reality.

Get with it, goon.

She worked her way through the darkness, guided by her special retina-sensitive shades.

I thought you all knew the

guided by her special retina sensitive shades.

Suddenly, they spelled out the word

danger.

Jackpot.

With a little binary cartoon of Senor Zip saying good luck in a tech speech bubble.

This is incredibly distracting if you're trying to go on your mission.

It's like, jing jing, news once I bounce.

Jing ding.

Good luck.

Belinda Bluebenthal was a woman of the world and not easily second footed.

Uh-oh.

But before her was a man dressed in the most unusual cat up.

I mean, you are at a party for kind of BDSM vibes.

I mean, don't expect suits.

Obviously, she had sex experience on the London fetish scene.

Sexperience.

So costumes were nothing special.

If anything, they were a bit prosaic to Belinda's cultured clit.

But this mountain of fluff before her was commitment made real.

What?

Oh, so she's not anti-costumes or props, but she wants people to go like full-on.

She wants James Cooper.

Yeah, I was going to say, because guessed this last episode, yeah.

Like, James levels a fancy dress.

To fuck a rather large mouse would be a departure for any human.

So, someone dressed as a mouse.

And Belinda, well, Mr.

Husband, presumably.

And Belinda.

Mr.

Husband's disguised as a mouse, and the glasses could tell.

Now that's vermin.

Not disguised.

I think, you know, what is it called that king?

Oh, it's called being a plushie.

No, being a furry.

Furry, that's it.

Furry, furry.

So to fuck a rather large mouse would be a departure for any human.

And Belinda.

No, shit.

That's a big Tuesday.

And Belinda was anything if human.

Being a game girl, Belinda flashed him her fluorescent smile.

Fluorescent smile.

Or maybe there's like UV lights in there when it hits your teeth.

Okay.

James has been to the clubs.

Yeah, I think you're a torch.

He knows what goes on.

In response, the man-mouse spoke with the highest pitched voice.

I cannot wait.

Go on.

Belinda's ears had ever been privy to.

Oh my god, I've got to set up straight for this.

Highest pitch you can go, James.

Oh my God.

I am man.

I am man.

Okay, I'm going to ask you to come away from the microphone because that's so unpleasant.

Ah, man!

Here for fun!

He squeaked.

Where's he from?

Oh, Harold, he's a background goon.

Oh, not fucking German again.

High-pitched German.

Oh, my, this is excellent.

Oh, mom!

Oh, wow, something really unusual happened there.

I'm breaking.

The mouse's balls dropped.

Okay, I'd say we could get less volume higher in German.

So everything.

What's it like that?

I am man here for

he squeaked.

I am woman.

Here for sin.

Belinda winced, secretly hoping the city dogs were all tied up.

Winced at her own cheese ballness.

Oh God, can you imagine though?

A pack of dogs just like running at him at the big mouth.

Oh my god, please say there's more.

Please say there's more.

I am bright-eyed and bushy-tailed.

I am bright-eyed and bushy-tailed.

Hushman uttered.

I mean, Hushman, maybe.

Now, Belinda normally loved oversized body parts of the body.

Yep.

But these buck teeth look nasty.

Oh, buck teeth.

Oh, yeah, I guess it's a bit like an...

Is he wearing fake teeth or are those his teeth?

It doesn't specify.

What excellent multitasking, Belinda answered.

A killer kink plus protection from the Berlin chill.

How does this relate to Uno?

We've left Uno.

He's probably won the jackpot.

Hushman laughed as he led her to a privatish corner for a dential for a rodential pounding.

A rodential pounding, like like a rodent pounding.

Ugh.

How?

A rodent.

The reason he couldn't say it is because we've never heard the phrase rodential pounding.

I'm wondering, then, is there some kind of hatch or flap?

Because if he's in a big mouse,

how are you pounding anything?

As he got out his massive piece of cheese.

Oh, mouse.

Oh, stop.

It shouldn't be cheesy.

Yeah, don't call a cock cheese.

Big slababree.

Belinda stopped the proceedings.

Oh.

Sorry, squeaky, she said.

Squeaky.

Sorry, squeaky.

But this fluff will get into every hole.

Chinese manufacturing screams, corners cut.

And though I vow to raise the subject at my next East Asia cookware conference, I can't.

Fair enough.

I mean, she's a quality gal.

What's she raising?

That the costume, I think, is low quality.

And that when they pound, like, she's just going to get...

Is it fibers all over?

Fluff into every hole.

she's gonna raise that as a talking point at the next cookware meeting in china you gotta have some stuff to add to that agenda otherwise you just don't look active any other business actually yeah

your furries costumes shoddley made them be like me she said as her glittering chain mail fell to the ground with a clunk strip do you think he's gonna have the blueprints on him right now like in his ass crack or something i don't want to hear about it i don't want to hear about the blueprints sorry sorry

the mousy hushman was surprisingly obedient.

And as his huge bodybuilder body squeezed out of the animal's skin,

Belinda got wet downwind.

What an unpleasant chapter for language.

But Belinda wasn't stupid.

She was really hunting about for any sign of the blueprint.

Oh, was she?

Oh,

well, brilliant.

Pretending to find a hanger, she discreetly inspected the mouse suit.

Nothing.

Mr.

Hushman chirped.

What is you about?

What is you about?

With a thinking beat, Belinda prodded her finger at the label.

Guangzhou, told ya.

Oh, so it's a Chinese pr okay.

The bafflement on Alice's face.

Okay, great.

Guangzhou, told ya.

Guangzhou told you.

Guangzhou told you.

Oh.

He's a man, don't forget.

Next was to search every inch of this background goon's person.

Oh, no.

Check his arse, check his arse.

As they fucked like a couple of ferrets in a field, her hands went up and in everywhere.

Just then, a sultry stranger slinked towards them.

This was standard practice at a sexy torture garden party, and Belinda knew the saying well.

I love the way you delivered that.

Like, the standard practice, nothing to be worried about, this is completely normal.

Somebody's slinking up to you, you shouldn't be alarmed.

This was standard practice at a sexy torture garden party, and Belinda knew the saying well.

Two's company, three's a fuck fest.

It's true.

Who was it that said that famously?

I think it was Churchill or something.

And boy, oh, the sex was wild.

Belinda could feel twenty fingers and twenty toes all over her body at any given moment and writhed in sucking off Hushman while licking out the third wheel.

Is that the newcomer?

That's the newcomer.

She particularly liked the bit where Mr.

Hushman was yapping at the ecstasy of fucking between her titties while she brushed her snatch against the other pussy present.

Lovely.

Can we get the yapping?

I think even higher.

This sounds like a lot of fun.

But Belinda couldn't believe her vagina.

It had never lied to her before.

She's chatting away to the brain.

She's chatting away to the vagina.

She's got the specs that are chatting to her.

I mean, how does she get anything done?

It had never lied to her before, but there was a first time for everything.

This fanny was neither fish nor foul.

Oh,

God.

Cheesy dicks and fishy fannies.

Fouley fannies.

This fanny.

It was neither fish nor foul.

This fanny.

Don't even bring it on then.

I don't want to think about it.

I don't know if you're hurting to say it.

I didn't say it wasn't fish nor fowl.

I did say it wasn't.

This fanny was neither fish nor fowl.

Disgusting.

But there was a zing that reminded her of a taste bud explosion that took her back to a beach.

Beach, beach, beach.

Which led to a salty ocean.

Salty ocean.

Who was she on the beach with when all those secret cops came down?

A Bella?

That in time had lapped around her own luscious ladylids.

Yes, she had tasted this vulva before.

No mistake.

What a strange skill.

Her mind flicked through its booklet of sexual encounters.

Booklet?

Fucking encyclopedia.

Jesus Christ, like a full-on directory.

Her mind flicked through its booklet of sexual encounters, fishing for identity.

Belinda blinked.

And that's the end of the chapter.

A lot of sex in that one.

Yeah.

I am.

Oh, knackered, but satisfied.

I'd say one of my favours in a while, actually.

It just had a bit of everything.

It had like the intrigue, the travel.

Exactly.

We started where we'd left off, so you know, he didn't leave us, you know, hanging over the mum stuff.

Yeah, really very nice.

Hanging like a big dick on a new to speech, but you know, kept the story going.

Absolutely, absolutely.

So, who do you think that vagina is?

Would you recognise it if it walked past you in the street?

Have you ever tasted genitals and known who it was?

You can get in contact with us.

You can tweet us at Dadrotaporna.

You can send us something a little bit longer if you want.

MyDadRotaporno at gmail.com.

Yeah, and don't forget to follow and subscribe to us on all of your podcast apps.

And we are going on tour in 2022.

It is Belinda's 30th birthday.

Yes, I think there's still some tickets available if you want to come see us.

All the details are on mydadroporno.com.

It's going to be well fun.

And Instagram.

Anyway, so

poor Instagram.

Poor Instagram.

My dad wrote her.

And poor Facebook never gets a look at him.

Oh, God.

Well, it's dead.

Anyway,

see you next week.

Anyone for a game of Uno?

Oh, yeah.

And I'm actually in training for the championships.

That would be great.

Woo!

Uno, Las Cardo.

You check your feed and your account.

You check the score and the restaurant reviews.

You check your hair and reflective surfaces and the world around you for recession indicators.

So you check all that, but you don't check to see what your ride options are.

In this economy, next time, check Lyft.

Coach, the energy out there felt different.

What changed for the team today?

It was the new game day day, Scratchers, from the California Lottery.

Play is everything.

Those games sent the team's energy through the roof.

Are you saying it was the off-field play that made the difference on the field?

Hey, a little play makes your day, and today it made the game.

That's all for now.

Coach, one more question: play the new Los Angeles Chargers, San Francisco 49ers, and Los Angeles Rams Scratchers from the California Lottery.

A little play can make your day.

Please play responsibly, must be 18 years or older to purchase play or claim.