S6E5 - 'Back To Basics'

Coach, the energy out there felt different.

What changed for the team today?

It was the new game day scratchers from the California Lottery.

Play is everything.

Those games sent the team's energy through the roof.

Are you saying it was the off-field play that made the difference on the field?

Hey, a little play makes your day, and today it made the game.

That's all for now.

Coach, one more question.

Play the new Los Angeles Chargers, San Francisco 49ers, and Los Angeles Rams Scratchers from the California Lottery.

A little play can make your day.

Please play responsibly.

Must be 18 years or older to purchase play or claim.

The following podcast contains adult themes, sexual content, and strong language.

Basically, all the good stuff.

Hello, and welcome to my dad Rhoda Porno.

I'm Jamie.

I've got James and Alice with me.

James, how are you today?

I'm absolutely baffled by Alice today.

Oh, she's a.

She's defying any kind of human logic.

She's gone like

society's rules.

What rules?

I'm not sure what I follow.

And I know it's a bit of a trope that I always comment on your outfit, but today is particularly mad.

Are you sponsored by stripes?

What the fuck's going on?

Like, she's dressed like a rainbow, and I'm not quite sure.

Well, I told you why, because I lost track of time and I went for a run and I've come straight from the run.

You've got leggings on that have got stripes on them.

Then you've got a stripey t-shirt on.

You've got about 12 colours on.

You've got this stripey bag here.

Well, I'm sorry, I didn't get the dress code.

Then we get out of the car.

We've got a car here.

She pulls out of a bag a half-eaten piece of toast with marmalade on it.

I'm like, what are you doing?

Where did you produce that from?

James stopped in his tracks.

Did you eat it?

Yeah, of course.

This is my breakfast.

But a totally straight face, just like, what?

What?

You've never seen somebody in a bit of toast before.

Not a half-eaten piece of it.

What's been in your bag for?

Since this morning.

Your life is chaos.

What's going on?

Are you okay?

Just cry for help.

I will not.

I will not.

I just can't.

You say that you're baffled by me.

Well, I'm going to continue the chain of bafflement.

Jamie said just before we pressed record.

Hang on, wait.

That he was feeling all over the shop.

Yeah, I'm going to do a little bit of a day.

Oh, I think I've got swallows in the attic.

Is that a phrase?

I mean, it's too much time spent with

Rocky's work.

No.

Swallows in the attic.

Because I was setting up the mics and you were showing James a video, I think, that had birds twittering in the background, and I didn't know what it was.

Oh.

And so I asked what it was and you said, oh, it's a video.

I said, oh, I thought I had swallows in the attic.

Swallows it.

It's quite a good phrase, though, isn't it?

Swallows in the attic.

Sorry, I'm all swallows in the attic.

I'm going to start using it.

I think that should be a thing.

That's actually better than any of the Rocky ones.

Okay, fine.

The chain continues.

James, I really don't like your hair today.

No, I do need a cut, to be fair.

It's getting very grey at the sides.

What a lovely, friendly start to the show.

It's not usually James that's full of vitriol.

I know, it's normally you.

It's just like,

it's just like I think she can't, her outfits can't get madder, and then she ramps it up every week.

And she's now in a fucking like Joseph and his technical adrian.

I honestly thought this was innocuous.

I didn't even do this to troll you.

Like, my appearance is not here to be, you know, provocative to you.

I only jest because you are normally such a stylish lady.

I don't want to, I'm going to get cancelled.

Oh, please don't.

These little disclaimers that he does at the end.

I think you're wearing it with authenticity and grace.

God bless you, Joseph.

Yeah, but he's got swallows in the attic, so you don't want to miss him.

Right, so where were we?

It's chapter five time.

Chapter five, swallows in the attic.

Back to basics.

Back to basics.

So hopefully we're going back to Steel's Pots and Pans.

Back to normal.

So quick

emphasis on the brief recap of last episode.

So Belinda got the thing about Berlin and Mr.

Hushman having the blueprints.

She then sold some boxes.

Mr.

Hushman never doesn't make me laugh.

Also, the thing.

So detailed.

She got the thing.

This is why you do it, James.

She got the alert, I mean, from Senor Zip.

No, no, I'm like, this is useful.

I'm like, what?

What about?

She was in the shower and she heard the interception in the middle.

She's on the radio, yeah.

So she has to go to Berlin at some point to get the blueprints off Mr.

Hushman.

And then her, Giselle and Bella started selling some pots and pans at the big...

Oh, the onion knife thing.

Yes.

And then Trixie Forward was buying loads of shit and Belinda said deuced her ass.

So that's where we were.

Okay.

Can I ask actually, how many chapters are in this book?

Ten.

Ten?

This is the halfway point.

If we've called it a pamphlet in the past, what is this?

This is just a poster.

The first four chapters have been basically set up, so I'm wondering how he's going to kind of claw this back.

Welcome to Belinda Blink.

Every chapter's set up of nothing.

We just want a climax.

Is that too much to ask?

You've been pent up for six years, James.

Honestly, I've got blue balls.

Okay, so chapter five then.

Belinda Blinked six.

Chapter five.

You sound surprised.

I couldn't remember what we were on.

Okay, Belinda Blink Six.

Chapter five.

Back to Basics.

As the moon howled.

Must be full.

It's a big, bright moon.

I mean, cut out the middle man.

Don't have the wolf.

Howling at the moon.

I forget it.

I'll do it myself.

As the moon howled.

There is a man in the moon, I guess.

Made of cheese.

As the moon howled, Trixie Forward constantly high-fived Belinda's pussy lids.

Slapping at them.

I'm trying to think, even if he did that lightly, if that would be nice.

High fiving is an odd motion.

I guess he might be using high-five euphemistically, like five-finger, you know, like five.

For like the palm, like, or the fingers together.

I don't like what you're doing.

Yeah.

She was slapping it against her.

Which was making Belinda gush from every plumped-up pore.

Orgasms from business people really did set the milk from the curdle, regardless.

Honestly, Swallows in the attic, he absolutely lost it.

Orgasms from business people really did set the milk from the curdle, regardless of the continent you were bonking on.

Trixie looked deep into Belinda's show-stopping vagina.

I've always said her vagina was a Prosceni March.

So Trixie looked deep into Belinda's show's stopping vagina.

She had never seen such a beautiful arrangement of damp skin folds.

Oh my

life.

As compliments go, is specific.

Damp skin folds.

Oh.

How deep can you see?

Like, how far can you go?

Not see, not very far.

How do you mean?

Because obviously...

This isn't a literal hole.

Yeah, but can you not like pull it apart so you could like...

You can pull it and then you can

stretch the hole so you can see in stretch.

Okay, so what are you pulling?

The flaps.

Right.

Pull them open, see in.

Like, I'm not stupid.

Like, I know.

Okay, well.

I know you can't.

I know it doesn't just go like straight to the back.

Like, it's not vagina to anus and you can see straight through.

Oh, good lord.

So you don't think that?

That's good.

No, I don't think that.

But like, I'm just wondering.

Why don't people shit out babies?

Can you?

I don't think people shit out come or shit out whatever else goes in?

Or out.

Go on then.

Sorry, yes.

You know that.

He's saying

she can see deep inside.

I'm just wondering how deep she could realistically see.

I think it's more like figuratively, as if you look deep in someone's eyes.

Yeah, because, oh, you actually see into the back of their eye.

That's true.

Deep into the vagina.

Like, wow.

When you look deep into somebody's soul, you don't look through all of the organs to where their soul might live.

Don't take it literally, is what I'm saying.

Okay.

Don't take it.

I don't want it.

I will leave it behind.

So she had never seen such a beautiful arrangement of damp skin folds.

At least not since the pages of her favourite Dick Francis novel have been left out in the rain.

Is it made of skin?

Is the book made of skin?

Do you know when it

looks like the book in Hocus Pocus?

Oh, hoc.

Have you seen Hocus Pocus?

Yeah, horrid.

And it's got an eye in the cover.

And the pages are made of skin.

So wait, she's saying she had a skin-bound Dick Dick Francis first edition.

So, she'd never seen such a beautiful arrangement of damp skin folds.

At least, not since the pages of her favourite Dick Francis novel had been left out in the rain.

Yeah, so he is saying they're made of skin.

Because that's just damp paper, isn't it?

Otherwise,

folded.

I mean, it's not really folded, even, is it?

But when like books get left out in the rain and they go all kind of like mulchy, yeah, and then they get dried and they get this kind of no, I don't.

Sorry, that's what a vagina.

No, no, no, no, no, no, no, pages of a book.

A pulped book.

No, yeah, I'm not sure.

I don't know why I'm defending it.

It makes no sense.

It's a classic.

I know what you're saying, like a paperback that's got wet and dried out again and all the pages are kind of morphed together and there are curves in them rather than it being straight.

That's what he thinks it looks like.

Well, this is what this looked like to Trixie Forward.

It reminded her of it.

Do you know where Trixie Forward comes from?

Your dad's mind.

So it it is actually what he thinks.

Don't say it's what Trixie Forward thought.

this book isn't a documentary

oh no uh um as belinda and trixie lay in the recovery position

is that arm over chest what is that

yeah you've got to put one yeah so if you're sick you don't choke on it oh very good um so they're in the recovery position better to be safe than sorry

trixie spoke i can tell from your tongue movements you're european right Is it that obvious?

I never knew I'd chomped pussy in an accent.

Belinda blushed.

Slightly drunk on fanny juice.

Good lord.

Rocky.

Straight in it, this chocolate.

Chomped.

Chomped.

In the UK, there's a chocolate bar called a chomp, and it was always the one that you got as a kid because it was the cheapest, because it's 10p.

I mean, I'm sure it's like, you know, a pound now.

Am I right?

Inflation.

Were they soft or hard?

They were chocolate-covered.

Fudge, was it?

Fudgy, kind of chewy caramel.

But just chomp, that's I mean, it's amazing the things that he ruins from your childhood, and that's now one of them.

Can we talk about drunk on fanny juice?

Never had that mixer before with a

gin.

You won't ever have been drunk on fanny juice, James.

I've been drunk on many.

I'll drink almost anything.

But fanny juice is one that I no, no, thank you very much.

Gives you an incredible buzz.

So, is it that obvious?

I never knew I'd chomped pussy in an accent.

Belinda blushed, slightly drunk on fanny juice.

But yes, I am European.

British, actually.

English exactly.

This is age well.

This is opening a whole kettle of fish, isn't it?

Ah, I love Europe.

Oh, me too.

So many citizens to indulge in, Belinda implored.

With necessary paperwork.

Trixie continued.

I've read comics and mags about Berlin, but I've never been able to go for obvious reasons.

What reasons?

She's a criminal.

Yeah, maybe far.

That's not obvious then, is it?

Really?

Reclined Belinda.

I'm actually heading there later this month, actually.

There's this whole thing with a guy called Mr.

Hushman.

He's potentially got some blueprints or something, but it should be a fun weekend nonetheless.

Belinda leaned in to snog Trixie, and it was tender.

She's just giving away quite a lot of information to somebody she barely knows.

I imagine it's quite important to keep that under your hat, isn't it?

About all that blueprint Hushman stuff.

Considering how few chapters we've got, this chat seems entirely pointless.

Right.

It feels like Philla.

It feels like James has got somewhere to go.

You know what I mean?

Sorry.

I think just a little time out.

We don't want to hear from you again too soon.

Pointless, was it?

You said pointless.

Filler.

Filler.

He said, Philla.

Okay.

About an hour later, as Belinda soggily slept,

Agent XYZ removed her Trixie Bob.

Oh, okay.

I take it back.

Look at Jamie Miss Bob.

I knew she shouldn't have said that stuff.

I knew that that was revealing too much.

Alice, it was Philla.

How does he do it?

He wrote this years ago and he's like, I'm going to fuck that James Cooper.

Not like that.

Oh my God.

Well, this is the thing.

Pillow talk.

Oh, shall we?

We just had a little time.

I swear to God.

Sorry.

I'm so sorry.

It was my bit, Philla.

James is filling his glass.

We're normally so careful about sound.

I just start pouring out.

He's talking, but all of the

They're fine.

It's quite all right.

I'll take my stripey legs and my stripey body where I'm wanted.

I am so sorry about that.

That was totally absent-minded.

I apologise.

Alice, you were saying?

I have nothing to ask.

I thought you were rudely interrupted by that.

I was simply going to say that often Belinda is the victim of intimacy in the sense that pillow talk is when she reveals things.

She does say stuff post-coital quite often.

Alice, if you recall, she was drunk on fanny juice.

Oh, she was out of her mind.

She didn't know what she was was saying.

She's a lightweight.

So about an hour later, Agent XYZ removed her Trixie Bob wig in the mirror.

God, what a dawdle.

Her fake crow's feet told her, even faker chins.

Oh, she's got full...

Fake crow's feet.

Fake chins?

Well, she was an aesthetic.

She was an older lady, if you recall.

Oh, my God.

Yeah.

So she's, it's a bit like Mandy Moore in This Is Us.

Very similar.

But I think you might notice if you fuck Mandy Moore with her makeup on that she wasn't 85 years old.

That's true.

Trixie Ford's meant to be 85 years old.

Well, not 85, but how old's Mandy Moore in that?

Well, it depends which episode, my darling.

There you go.

So she's got like a turkey...

Maybe not turkey neck, but like, you know, kind of when there's a little bit of slide, is it first?

Gravity.

You know,

James, you've seen an older person.

You've seen a mirror.

I know, but I've never thought they've had more than one.

Oh, charming.

Sorry.

I just thought that one.

How dare you?

Oh, you said you were going grey.

So what a doddle her fake crow's feet told her, even faker chins.

If you've seen Mrs.

Doubtfire, it's the, you know.

It's the look.

It's the look.

Get the silicon face, you know, it's the...

You know that bit.

David!

I was going to say, do you think Uncle Frank and Aunt Jack helped her create that?

Be careful with this one.

She's an old lady dink.

Very good.

Thank you.

So her fake crow's feet told her even faker chins.

Next stop, Berlin.

She knew.

Fingers crossed, she had enough months left on her passport.

What, Agent XYZ?

Sorry, so she's an international spy, but she hasn't got the proper documentation because she hasn't updated her passport.

Guys, forward blinked.

So wait, are we calling a Trixie forward now?

No, especially the XYZ at that point.

This is like Smithy and Vander all over again.

So it should really be XYZ blinked, but either way.

So about a week of sunbathing later.

A week of sunbathing?

What a gig.

About a week of sunbathing later, Belinda Blumenthal returned to her natural habitat.

Coach, the energy out there felt different.

What changed for the team today?

It was the new game day scratchers from the California Lottery.

Play is everything.

Those games sent the team's energy through the roof.

Are you saying it was the off-field play that made the difference on the field?

Hey, a little play makes your day, and today it made the game.

That's all for now.

Coach, one more question.

Play the new Los Angeles Chargers, San Francisco 49ers, and Los Angeles Rams Scratchers from the California Lottery.

A little play can make your day.

Please play responsibly.

Must be 18 years or older to purchase, purchase, play, or claim.

If you thought Goldenly breaded McDonald's chicken couldn't get more golden, thank golder, because new sweet and smoky special edition gold sauce is here.

Made for your chicken favorites.

I participated in McDonald's for a limited time.

Oh, God, where's that gonna be?

Of Steel's.

As she strutted into the reception area of Steele's pops and

she's noise.

Oh, she's gonna look great as well.

She's gonna go tam.

Every employee stared at her tits and ass.

She's back.

Not surprising, seeing as her vagina was jiving to Hey Big Spender by Dame Shirley Sassy.

Okay, so you can't say the name of the song and then just tweak the name of the artist.

Like, what?

How does his brain work when it comes to?

She'll never guess it's her.

And wait, is that to the tune in her own head?

Obviously, they're not playing that as she walks in by Hey, Big Spender.

So her vagina was jiving to Hey, Big Spender by dame Shirley Sassy as her hips popped against filing cabinets and inkjet printer sets en route to her office.

Oh, it's like a montage.

She's like closing the cabinet.

She's like, hey, John, I love the new haircut.

Sharon, how are the kids?

Like finishing somebody's typing on their screen, like going photocopy.

Like she's just yeah, she's basically in one of those adverts where you've like sorted out all your like financials and like what is it?

Money supermarket or whatever it is.

Does he go down the street?

He's got a big ass.

Sure.

Yep.

Yep.

So she's en route to her office.

But what she saw upon entrance was Bella prodding croissant crumbs as she flirted long distance with Jim Sterling.

What?

Prodding croissant crumbs.

Or like on a plate, like, you know, kind of picking up the remnants, do you think?

All Belinda's personal effects had been removed from her corner office, complete with window.

I never pictured her having a window, actually.

I never pictured her having effects.

And so, yeah, all of her personal effects had been removed from her office, complete with window.

She was now expected to E-D-A-D-D.

E-D.

A-D-D.

So guess what?

Eat dick all day.

Dude, doesn't it?

You got one word right in there.

Dick.

No.

Oh, day.

Day, yes.

Every day.

Oh.

Ass day.

No, but you're very close.

Every day.

Yeah.

Is it about like hot desking or something?

She's expected to like

every day anywhere.

No.

Every day ask.

No.

Every day ask.

Ask.

Yeah.

Ask.

No.

Oh.

Every day.

Every day allow.

Every day and.

No.

Fun as this is, I might just say.

No, no, we're not done yet.

Yeah.

Every day.

What are the words top of the day?

Every day anal.

Nope.

Can we move on from the A and do the desk?

So it's like every day something.

Desk duty.

Or something or desk.

You're close.

Is desk in it?

Desk is one of the words, yeah.

Everyday alternative desk.

I'm just going to say it.

No, we're not done.

No.

Every day.

To be fair, you'll kick yourselves when you have that.

Oh, God.

It's one of those acronyms you always forget.

So she was now expected to E-D-A-D-D.

Every day a different desk.

Ah!

Ah!

Ah!

But owls!

Every day a different desk.

They call it hot desking.

It's right.

It's not called E-Dad.

No, they they call it Everyday a Different Desk.

I've heard that.

You E-Dadding.

Yeah, me too.

So, yeah, E-Dad.

Good.

She was expected to E-Dad

in the RSM pen.

E-Dad in the RSM pen.

I mean, can you imagine if you didn't work in this world, you'd be like, I beg you're what now?

I also love the idea they're in a pen,

like childcare.

So she was expected to E-D-A-D-D in the RSM pen.

Removing her file effects, a framed picture of Chi Chi, and an all-purpose lube lube from her cardboard box.

Framed picture?

Chi-Chi!

Was that like an old dead parrot?

So she removed her filofax, a framed picture of Chi Chi, and some all-purpose lube from the cardboard box.

She began to dress a battered desk for the day.

But by lunchtime, she was livid.

Why?

You don't care.

Throwing the marble cake Bill from HR had made for her safe return to the floor.

That's Bill trying to cover his ass.

Yeah, we didn't tell anyone you did, but here's a cake.

A marble cake.

A marble cake.

I see if Bill from HR knows how to make a marble cake.

I bet it wasn't supposed to be a marble cake.

This is quite a hard sentence.

Throwing the marble cake Bill from HR had made for her safe return to the floor, Belinda tore a tornado of personality through the office.

She's on the rampage.

Is this how you treat me?

She yelled into the lift shafts.

No one's gonna wear that.

She's yelling into the lift.

The woman who saved you from an exclusivity deal with Okea.

She screamed by the bins.

Okea.

It's going to be some absolute jealousy.

By 4 p.m.

GMT, Belinda had got to the personnel.

She bent down on the desk of Ken Jewsbury, her heaving cleavage bobbing like a sailor lost at sea.

Did you miss me, Ken?

Hmm?

Oh, she's absolutely lost it.

Aye.

Ah, that I did, pet, he responded, trying to cover the confidential phone call he was on with Andy Milston at Factory HQ.

Really?

Oh, thanks, Gorge.

Belinda gushed, snogging Ken with passion.

And you, Paddy?

She swivelled, full of spite.

She's not all there, is she?

But we're getting a lovely little reintroduction and a little hello from all the key RSMs, which I love.

And you, Paddy?

Notice me not here?

Of course, Bart.

I mean, Belinda, I noticed your lack of love every second of every minute of every hour of every day of every oh, just fuck me, O'Hamlin.

Belinda barked as Paddy dutifully stripped to his four-leaf clover.

Okay, okay, then get it in.

His four-leaf clover.

What is that a reference to?

His penis?

Is it like when Adam and Eve had fig leaves?

Is that his equivalent, do you think?

Well, also, I guess, like, the penis and the balls could look like a three-leaf clover.

And then one for good luck.

And then one for.

Yeah, I don't know what the extra bit is.

Cock in mouth, Belinda turned to Dave Wilcox.

Really?

Yeah, we've literally never ever heard from Dave Wilcox.

Never heard him speak.

I wonder where he'll be from.

Yeah, where should he be from?

Birmingham.

Oh, yeah, Brumi.

Should we make him Brumi?

That'd be nice, yeah.

That'd be nice.

Okay, cock in mouth, Belinda turned to Dave Wilcox.

Oi but,

she scoffed, spitting Paddy out.

Oh.

God, hang on.

Shudder.

Oi, but.

Oi, bitch.

I was written off as dead.

Did that not bother you, you piece of shit?

Jesus.

I feel like this book, Rocky's learnt the word bitch.

Like, where does...

He becomes a bit obsessed with things.

Yeah, he's normally like watched to show what's they say bitch like breaking bad.

Has he watched breaking bad or something?

It's quite bro culture, too, isn't it?

Like, yo, bitch, want to play basketball?

I don't know.

I don't know what bros say, but he's certainly seen something and he's gone, that's cool and young.

Or he's misspelt.

It's very,

very possible.

So, what do we say?

Do you say Brummy for Dave?

Why not?

I think that's in your repertoire.

Oh, God, Brummy.

This is the big Brummy moment.

He did miss.

That's it.

Thank you.

Thank you.

Another one for the repertoire.

The people of Dudley thrilled with that, I'm sure.

So I was written off as dead.

Did that not bother you?

It did, miss.

Dave reassured her as his dense dick jammed into her giblets.

Belinda quivered with gratification.

So Dave Bookot's got a dense dick.

A dense dick.

Wow.

Absolutely.

It's a solid thing.

This bollocking of the RSMs was perhaps the biggest turn-on Belinda Blumenthal had ever experienced.

Wow.

It's not really a bollocking.

I mean, she's screaming.

I've never heard her.

It was quite so unhinged.

This is her ultimate fetish.

But she does love power, I suppose.

And now she's not their boss, she's still getting off on it.

She's done very little sort of doming in that case.

Like she's often been sub, hasn't she?

She has, actually, yeah, but she'd be a great dominatrix.

You know how dad's become a bit obsessed with the word bitch?

Yes.

I think Alice has become a bit obsessed with sub-doms.

Yeah, I was going to say, like, sub-doms is ringing a bell.

Have you read a book and you've done it?

Which one are you?

Have you got a new relationship that we need to know about?

She's a big, dense dom.

About 17 minutes later, her vagina was wet enough to drown a small rat, but she wasn't done.

We're obsessed with rats as well because James had his little photographs taken of his broken drain.

Oh, yeah.

And in it, his little red.

So they sent you those photographs of your defective

sewage system.

Can I tell the story?

Honest to God.

This woman.

This woman.

Yes, I had a CCTV drain survey.

So I had a video camera.

Someone's doing well for themselves.

Sexy.

I had a video camera put down my pipes.

Not my, you know.

And yeah, there was a

very clear image, beautifully lit.

I was going to say, he is a performing rat.

It's like a ring lights on him.

He's like Remy from Atatu.

He's a star.

I wish.

But he could cook.

Yeah, so

I've got a rat and I've got a crack in my pipe.

That Bachelor of Life, am I right?

Well, what you need is Belinda, because her vagina could drown that rat and you'd have a free pipe.

They've never suggested that.

That'd be cheaper than what they're asking.

They're offering.

Get around and drown it.

Crawl in there.

Gush, and it'll be gone.

It's very wet this chapter, isn't it?

Very wet.

Sopping, absolutely dripping.

Is that why it's so expensive when you ring rent a kill?

Because I mean, if they're doing that every time, that's quite labour-intensive.

Hasn't you found a turned-on lady?

Do you think it's more humane?

Surely.

Oh, yeah.

And it's all natural.

It's all natural.

It's a natural way to get rid of them.

If you say so.

It's the equivalent of sort of lavender for moths.

Yeah, it's better than putting chemicals down there, is what I mean.

Put your vagina in there.

It's a humane way to drown a rat.

Let's move on.

So her vagina was wet enough to drown a small rat, but she wasn't done.

Oh, wait, who's left?

I Tony!

She squelched into the biggest office on site.

Squelched?

This is what I mean.

Why is it all so.

She'll be dehydrated.

You, the so-called chairman of this operation.

Oh, wow, she is absolutely

out for blood.

Me?

I was left for scrub and dust.

Now, what did you do?

Hmm?

He likes scrub and dust as well, doesn't he?

He loves himself there, yeah.

Belinda, Tony said sternly, I must introduce you to Giles Cottonsberg.

You absolutely must, my darling.

Oh, Giles, I'm so sorry.

What a pleasure to meet you, Aquaint.

Giles, what?

Cotton's birth.

Cotton's birth.

Cotton's birth.

Okay.

Brilliant.

Brilliant.

Belinda, I must introduce you to Giles Cottonsbirth, our latest hire from the Welsh country.

Oh, for fuck's sake.

From the Welsh country.

From Wales.

Yeah, Wales.

Panting, Belinda wiped sweaty strands of hair from her forehead, pushed her tits back into her blouse as she smiled at an elderly lobbyist reclining on Tony's sofa bed.

He's just a sofa bed in the office

for those long nights.

He's lying down on a sofa bed.

It's tucked in.

Sorry.

I'm so sorry.

They've hired a lobbyist.

There's an old man in a bed in his office.

I must introduce you.

What's he lobbying for in the pots and pans industry?

It's like that.

Is it Charlie Chucksman actually?

All the grandparents live in the bed.

Grandpa Joe et al.

Grandpa Joe.

He just lives in that sofa bed.

They have the most random shit in their office.

Like, Belinda had a microwave at one point, didn't she?

He's got a sofa bed.

So he's reclining on the sofa bed.

Hi, Belinda.

He's Welsh, darling.

Maeve waved.

Oh,

surprise, bitch.

I can only apologise.

Maeve waved sexily from the other corner of the room.

How many people are in this room?

Because she didn't see Giles when she first came in.

She was.

Well, he's in the bed, to be fair.

He's horizontal.

He's under the covers.

Belinda winked her friendly eye at her as her professional eye surveyed the sitting Welshman.

Oh, that's good.

She's got one eye for business and one eye for pleasure.

At least.

At leisure and pleasure.

Yeah.

Mr.

Cottonsberth is an expert in the area of of product research and could use some corporate synergy, Belinda, Tony added.

I've had a nightmare trying to gauge the action to a soggy veg product, Miss Blumenthal.

Apparently, you're the one to help.

I don't know.

Michael Sheen's friendship down the bar.

Giles Cotton's birth voiced.

He is an older man, isn't he?

He's an older woman by the sounds of his Jamie's impression.

Okay.

I've had a nightmare trying to gauge reaction to soggy veg products, Miss Blumenthal.

Apparently, you're the one to help.

I don't know.

Sir Tom Jones?

Is that you?

Oh, my God, that's Villasconey.

Why is he Italian at the end?

I don't know.

I don't know.

I don't know.

Oh, God.

Okay.

A lot of accents to contend with with this chapter.

Horrific.

Of course, let me take you to our product research panel booths.

Belinda helped.

What are you talking about?

I don't even want to like question you guys.

And also, one minute she's on the rampage, the next minute she's just fallen straight back into work.

James, here's your filler.

This is filler.

Thank you, Belinda.

The focus groups are all booked up and ready to go.

Is that Anthony Hopkins?

We're going on a journey.

I'm Cassidy gets a go.

Tom Jones.

Giles Cotton's.

Oh.

Oh.

Oh, watch out.

What's my name?

Sage and XYZ.

Heels off his seven chins.

Thank you, Belinda.

The focus groups are all booked up and ready to go.

So is Burton now.

Giles Cotton's birth limped as he followed Belinda through the bowels of steels.

As they passed the leather room entrance, Giles made small talk for collegial purposes.

Hey, I'm an old school friend of Giselle Mars Jacques de Prods.

You went to school with Giselle.

That's why his accent's so mad, because he went to school in Holland.

Is she in today, do you know?

That's a bigger story, Giles, honestly.

Something didn't feel right about this question to Belinda, so she quick-wittedly but politely answered.

Oh, I haven't smelt stench of her for what feels like a lifetime.

James, you have a question, please.

Coach, the energy out there felt different.

What changed for the team today?

It was the new game, Day Scratches, from the California Lottery.

Players, everything.

Those games sent the team's energy through the roof are you saying it was the off-field play that made the difference on the field hey a little play makes your day and today it made the game that's all for now coach one more question play the new los angeles chargers san francisco 49ers and los angeles rams scratchers from the california lottery a little play can make your day please play responsibly must be 18 years or older to purchase play or claim

Yes, hand up.

I don't know whether I've got a prediction.

Oh, please share with the group.

It's George, isn't it?

It's George in disguise.

No.

Why is he asking about Giselle?

As if he went to school with her.

Yeah, limp.

He's 100.

He's not got a limp.

He did.

He what?

He has a limp.

He's got a limped.

Does he?

Giles Cottonsbirth limped as he followed Belinda through the bowels of steels.

Alice, we need you to listen to the book if the podcast is going to work.

I'm so sorry you're carrying me.

I'm so sorry.

That is incredible.

So he's limped and he's asked James.

James.

I'm only guessing because he literally did that earlier on.

He's done it.

I think he's done it three times in this book.

Who?

George?

No, Rocky.

Having people reveal themselves.

Yeah, you should check everybody's face at the beginning of each scene.

So, oh, I haven't smelled the stench of her for what feels like a lifetime.

That's a shame.

Giles desponded.

New word?

Possibly.

Was despondent?

Desponded.

Just at that second.

Told you, here we go.

Peel us his face off.

Oh, my God.

Giselle exited the payroll room.

Oh, hi, Belinda.

She beamed as she fanned herself with her little brown envelope.

She went into the room to get her face slip.

That's a very old school way of doing it.

You go and get your little envelope with your with your wage in.

Like when I had a paper round, you always paid a little envelope.

Yes, but this is steel pots and hands.

I also love that we're getting more of a feel of the office.

Payroll room.

Payroll room.

Whole room.

Just group booths.

Were they?

You would think finance, but they're like, that's the payroll room.

That's the national insurance room.

That's the tax room.

Exactly.

Research panel booths.

Research panel booths.

The RSM pen.

Yeah, actually, to be fair, a lot of detail.

It's that soft play centre all over again.

So wait, sorry, sorry, sorry, sorry.

Sorry.

I know James already berated me this episode for not listening.

But is Giselle just returning to work as normal?

Yeah, I thought she was in.

Maybe she's still wearing her disguise wig, but

it's not a great disguise, going back to your previous life, is it?

doesn't feel like it no

um so oh hi belinda as she fanned herself a little brown envelope fancy a pentra sesh after clock off

oh

hi giselle belinda's speech staggered out of her awkward mouth those were all individual sentences oh great who's your pal giselle asked as her eyeballs met giles's as they did all four pupils swelled like a waistband in yuletide

All four pupils.

Like, that's how you measure how many people are in the room.

Oh, my God.

Six pupils are freaked.

And they dilated, is what he's saying.

Basically, they swelled like a waistband in Yuletide.

So it got bigger.

Thank you.

Yes, thank you.

Thank you very much.

Oh, my God.

Oh, thank God.

Giles scorned.

It's the special bitch.

This is obsessed.

Giles melted from Welsh to his regular voice as he spoke.

So it was actually George Sylvester.

Let's go.

Oh, James.

It was George all along.

You know what I want to hear?

I want to hear it melt from Welsh into George.

Yeah, that's what I want to hear.

So

across the course of, oh, thank God, is it?

Oh, thank God it's a special bitch.

I have to go just across the border, actually.

Just cross border to Manchester.

Oh, thank God.

It's the special bitch.

Very good.

Thank you.

We're very proud of you.

Belinda was disgusted in such deception, especially within the sanctuary of steel's pots and pans.

Shut up.

And particularly at a time when the product research team really was in need of extra help.

Come on, guys.

They're working the socks off in there.

We needed those panel booths filled.

Thank you.

Belinda, this man isn't who he plays.

He has no reason to do it.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

we've got that.

Giselle panicked.

He is George Sylvester.

Yes, we know him.

My brother-in-law, who is in need of law enforcement quite swiftly, actually.

She knows who he is.

She's seen him before.

She knows what's going on.

Also, his voice just changed, so awkward.

Belinda began to prepare her tools to perform a citizen's arrest.

That took my breath away.

What tools?

What tools?

Can you hammer out?

Wait, are you going to say she's going to handcuff him?

Because that's not what you do on a citizen's arrest.

She's not going to handcuff him.

She's going to fashion handcuffs.

Like a blacksmith.

Puts on a welder's mask.

Great.

But what is a citizen's arrest?

I used to be obsessed with this when I was a kid.

The idea that anybody could arrest anybody.

And how do you do it?

I think you just go, I'm arresting you.

I don't think.

You have to have proof that they did something wrong.

And what gives you the authority?

Exactly.

This is what baffled me when I was younger.

You don't have the authority, Jackie Weaver.

James, can you do a little pitter-patter on the old internet?

Okay, ready?

This is how you make a citizen's arrest.

Okay.

One, tell the person you're making a citizen's arrest.

Yes, now I know that, but you have to go like, I'm doing a citizen's arrest right now.

There's no specific wording, but you must inform the person you are arresting as soon as possible what you're doing.

Two, explain the reason for the arrest and the suspected offence.

Okay.

So being a murderer in this case, you know.

You want who you say you are and who you are is a murderer.

Yeah.

Exactly.

Three, carry out the arrest using only reasonable force.

And your own tools.

Well, no, I would say that's not reasonable force.

Okay.

Being so careful when you get the tools out.

Number four, call and deliver the suspect to police immediately.

So call the police.

Yeah.

So once you're in the middle of the style,

because I think what you're doing is you're capturing them so they don't run away.

Yeah.

We don't want fugitives.

Yeah.

So I guess the idea is that you don't, citizens arrest them, pop them in your car and leave them there overnight.

You've got to go get them to the authorities.

Wow.

So Belinda began to prepare her tools to perform a citizen's arrest until something happens.

And that is the...

No, Jake, no, Joking, I'm joking.

Giles slash George ex- Just call him George.

It's George.

Yeah.

Giles slash George, delete is appropriate.

Extracted an extra long slice knife from his cane.

Fucking hell.

Oh, okay.

Oh, okay.

A slice knife.

Like a little sort of thin sword.

Give me the blueprints, Giselle.

He shouted.

If you do, I'll let you live your long life of mediocre existence.

Question.

How does he not know that they're with Mr.

Hushman or whatever?

Well, I guess because Agent XYZ isn't communicating with George.

So actually, he's behind what the Bish organisation knows at this point.

So he's still thinking that Giselle's got them.

I remember why now, because Bish set Agent XYZ off with her list of requirements.

And we thought at some point he was going to kill off George so he didn't have to share the kind of proceeds of this whole thing.

And so actually, he was trying to get XYZ ahead of George.

So George thinks he's on a mission for Bish, but really...

He's not.

Well, really, he's a target as soon as he's got any information.

Um, give me the blueprints, Giselle.

If you do, I'll let you live your long life of mediocre existence.

He's so sassy.

Bollocks, Georgie.

You won't rest until you slice me from eyelash to toenail, Giselle bravely announced.

Besides, I don't have the preprints, so leave me alone.

So shoo!

Don't call him Georgie either.

Why are you being so familiar and cutesy?

George approached her slowly with a sneer.

But Belinda had an epiphany.

All right.

She was no longer the international sales director of Steel's Pots and Pans, but she was still Belinda Blumenthal.

And that meant something to somebody every night of the week.

I feel like this is a Dead Poet Society moment, like everybody up on their chairs, like, yeah, to your right.

So, why not today?

Without a second's doubt, Belinda placed her whole body beautiful in front of her glee team co-founder.

She's taking a bullet for her.

She's taking the slice knife.

Nothing could touch her special friend without first first hacking through her first.

Wow, that is gruesome.

And also, maybe just like call the police.

I don't know.

We'll make the sit in's arrest that you were about to fucking do.

Well, he's got a slice knife now.

Oh, of course, but her tools.

Her tools.

I hear you.

George laughed a nasty little laugh with throaty notes.

Please.

As he coughed through his post-hack wheeze, Bella bounded down the corridor, ass cheeks thumping against each other in their power.

Just imagine like a big Saint Bernard dog just like running.

Jumping into formation,

she planted her feet straight in front of Belinda, who was in front of Giselle.

So now we have to get through Bella to get to Belinda to get to Giselle.

I mean this is a better order for my liking.

This Russian doll of friendship was as.

How does she even know?

Also, Russian dolls are not just one in front of the other.

No, it's inside, isn't it?

It's inside, yeah.

This Russian doll dollar friendship was an imperious mass of human flesh.

It's nice to see the glee team, like, protecting each other and standing together once more.

Do you really think you can save her?

George cackled.

You bet you're saggy ass, harmonized Belinda and Bella.

Go on, you two.

Oh, wait, one of us has to be squawky.

You'll have to be Bella.

Okay, ready?

Yes, you bet you're saggy ass.

Beautiful.

Behind them, Giselle's heart swelled to the size of Meryl Streep's talent.

I'm a big Meryl Streep fan, though, there.

He actually swelled it with a B.

Beryl Streep.

No, he doesn't.

Beryl Streep and Shirley Sassy.

To be fair, Shirley Sassy is a good name for Shirley Bassey.

Yeah, she should have been Shirley Sassy.

That's a great drag name for a drag act that's a tribute to Shirley Bassey, but.

Beryl Streep, not so much.

Wouldn't have had the career, I don't think.

You're all stupid, George sneered as he took out a long-barrelled pistol.

So he's got a slice knife.

A slightly long pistol and his slice knife.

Bullets can fire through all three of you.

Even Bella, he raged.

Rude?

Excuse me?

You rude person.

Giselle pronounced.

Belinda screamed.

How pathetic that you think Bella's fuller figure is a flaw, you tragic loser.

Yes.

Okay, not the time.

I mean, good point, but not the time or the place.

Love this moment of body positivity.

Bella laughed.

Belinda, don't even bother.

I know a sex starved saddle when I see one.

Okay, this is great.

Like, this is like, oh, okay.

Like, we're all sticking up for each other.

Of course, all bodies are great bodies.

Like, we love our bodies, we love each other.

But, like, he is about to murder you.

So, like, shall we?

Don't call him a sex starved saddle.

He's got a gun.

Urgency-wise, I feel like we've lost our focus.

They all laughed.

Yeah, oh, good.

Oh, good.

Okay.

What a moment of levity.

Confused, George flipped.

Whatever.

It's over, tramps.

Oh, sorry.

I mean, ladies.

This is just old-fashioned name calling.

I've not heard that in a while.

As George raised his gun, the glee team accepted their fate.

as a trio of titty-totty.

But as he squeezed the trigger, another shot was fired

down the corridor.

The glee team blinked.

And that is the end of the chapter.

What do you say to that?

What'd you say?

What do you say?

I mean, to be fair, shitloads happened.

Yeah.

A lot happened.

Not quite so filler now, eh?

No, no.

I take that back.

I'll eat my words.

But who's fired the gun?

Obviously, we we know who's fired George's gun, but who's fired the other gun?

Yeah, this is like who shot JR.

A reference that all the young people listening will know.

Who could it be?

It could be Tony.

Could be Maeve.

Could be any of the RSMs.

Could be Toffee Apple Chew.

Could be Betty Wilkes.

Could be Betty Wilkes.

Could be.

Could be Alphonse Sturbacher.

Oh, my God.

All.

I mean, this.

Could be Adam.

He loves the best of, in a way.

So, like, if we saw a sort of carousel of our favourite character, I wouldn't be surprised.

But who do you think it is?

We want to hear your thoughts.

Yes, absolutely.

Theories.

You can tweet us at Dad Rotaporno.

Yeah, get in touch on Instagram too at my dadrotar.

And if you'd like to write something a little bit longer, like a complaint about Jamie's accent or the like, it's mydadrotaporno at gmail.com.

And also, don't forget to follow and subscribe us on all of your podcast platforms wherever you listen to us.

And we are going on tour in 2022.

Go to mydadrotaporno.com/slash live for all of the dates.

It's Belinda's Dirty 30.

Yes, she still hasn't turned 30 yet.

Oh, and our Belinda beers are on sale now.

Oh, Oh, I've got mine with me.

Oh, what have you got?

The Gin and Tonic IPA.

Belinda's Ruin.

Very nice.

And this one, Nectar of the Norse Gods.

Which is a pomegranate pale ale.

The Chardonnay one's my favourite.

It's called Heaven on a Hat Stand.

And it is.

It's Heaven on a Hat Stand, guys.

If you want to get your hands on some cans, which are UK only at the moment because international shipping is shit because of COVID and whatever else.

Hopefully that will change.

We are looking at it daily.

Hourly.

Hourly.

Dad's on it, guys.

Just go to alphabetbrewing.co.uk, click on the beers tab, and then go to specials, and we're in there.

Yeah, we're in the top eight, and the artwork is so cool.

They are literally collectors' items now.

I'm just drinking mine and then putting mine on the shelf.

There's no way I'm recycling those.

They're such a perfect Prezi as well.

If you're looking for something for the Blinker in your life, for the just the perv generally in your life, then these are just so excellent.

They're the best.

Guys, I should probably go actually because I'm just going to pop to the pavilion and do a citizen's arrest on Rocky for crimes against literature.

Don't forget your tools.

Coach, the energy out there felt different.

What changed for the team today?

It was the new game day scratchers from the California Lottery.

Play is everything.

Those games sent the team's energy through the roof.

Are you saying it was the off-field play that made the difference on the field?

Hey, a little play makes your day, and today it made the game.

That's all for now.

Coach, one more question.

Play the new Los Angeles Chargers, San Francisco 49ers, and Los Angeles Rams Scratchers from the California Lottery.

A little play can make your day.

Please play responsibly, must be 18 years or older to purchase, play, or claim.