Footnotes: Rocky Answers Your Questions 5

It's third down.

Did you see the game last night?

Of course you did, because you used Instacart to do your grocery restock.

Plus, you got snacks for the game, all without missing a single play.

And that's on multitasking.

So we're not saying that Instacart is a hack for game day, but it might be the ultimate play this football season.

Enjoy $0 delivery fees on your first three orders.

Service fees apply.

For three orders in 14 days.

Excludes restaurants.

Instacart, we're here.

We get it.

It's more important than ever to get the most out of your money.

Options are key.

Options like Lyft, where you get great rewards, especially with partners like Dash Pass by DoorDash.

If you're a Dash Pass member, just link your DoorDash account and you'll get 5% off on-demand rides, 10% off scheduled rides to the airport, plus two free priority pickup upgrades every month.

New to Dash Pass?

To sign up for a three-month free trial, check Lyft.

Terms apply.

Coach, the energy out there felt different.

What changed for the team today?

It was the new game day scratchers from the California Lottery.

Play is everything.

Those games sent the team's energy through the roof.

Are you saying it was the off-field play that made the difference on the field?

Hey, a little play makes your day, and today it made the game.

That's all for now.

Coach, one more question: play the new Los Angeles Chargers, San Francisco 49ers, and Los Angeles Rams Scratchers from the California Lottery.

A little play can make your day.

Please play responsibly, must be 18 years or older to purchase play or claim.

Hello, and welcome to My Dad Wrote A Porn of the Footnotes, and it is time for the traditional Rocky QA.

Ah, the annual time.

It's like Christmas.

Everyone's always got a query for him, a question, and by the end of this, hopefully, although unlikely, those will be answered.

We never really have clarity, do we, after this?

No, and honestly, from reading through them this morning,

more crazy than ever.

Very vague.

So, if you've sent your question in on Instagram, Twitter, there were loads.

There were so many, weren't there?

Yeah, thousands, thousands, millions, millions, millions of questions, tens of thousands.

Mental.

Jamie looks very serious.

I mean, we couldn't believe it.

I was like, you have to wait through all these.

No, lovely.

Thank you for getting me in touch.

Really enjoy it.

Always great to hear from you.

So, should we just crack on?

Let's.

I imagine there are some recurring themes.

There's some quite useful ones.

So, like this first one from Milo.

He asks, Do you have any tips for starting off when writing a book for the first time?

Oh, that's actually quite a good question, I thought.

All the people that Milo could have asked.

Hi, Milo.

Hi, Milo.

People, I forgot that.

You're so polite.

Yeah.

Please address them individually.

Please.

Hi, Milo.

People ask me this a lot.

Do they?

Do they?

And the first thing you need to do is to write in a language you understand.

He's broken his own first rule.

Well, he is.

I only write in English because of this.

But that's not true.

Dad peppers many languages through the books and has from the start.

There was Dutch.

There's...

True, true.

But like...

He's never committed to prose.

No, true.

Can he speak any other languages?

He's very good at Portuguese, because obviously Brazil speaks French pretty well and Spanish.

Really?

I just think it's a moot point.

I don't know how how many people are attempting to write their first book in a language they don't understand.

I don't know how many people are like, oh, that's why I'm struggling.

Okay, yeah, yeah, yeah.

But the second part of his answer is actually a bit more useful.

So, secondly, start and keep going until you've written 600 words.

Oh, okay, something tangible, right?

Yeah.

At that stage, tear it all up and start again.

This time, write down the bits you can remember from your first effort.

That is called editing, and I find it works a treat.

That's not edit.

What?

Tearing up the whole work.

That's what you call insanity.

That's what I mean.

That's interesting, though, isn't it?

To be like, if it's good enough, I'll remember it.

Yeah, to be fair, yeah, I think there's a germ of like a really good suggestion in there.

I think it's too extreme.

Well, like with everything that dad says, you've got to find your own pathway through it.

But there's something that...

I'd say like maybe saving the first draft rather than destroying it would let you refer back.

Yeah, tearing up seems extreme.

Learn from your mistakes.

Okay, so that's why we only see chapters that have really quite memorable moments in them.

There isn't any subtlety or nuance, is there really?

Yeah, but that's what I was going to say.

Like, he doesn't seem to have followed his own advice.

I think what we get is

what we get is the pre-ripped up.

Unless it isn't.

Unless this is the stuff that he's deciding to keep.

God help us.

Fucking hell.

Okay, next up, Anna.

Who would play Rocky in the movie of his life?

Oh, bloody hell, Anna.

Have we never asked this?

I don't think we have.

I guess we always speculate about who'd be in the books, but never about him.

His offerings for those are always niche.

So let's see.

I'm not sure Dad's really grasped the question.

I think he feels like he has to approach them himself for the role because he says, hi, Anna.

I've not met too many male celebs.

He always sees that it has to be in his realm of opportunity.

I think he thinks that he's being asked to actually cast this person.

I've not met too many male celebs, but the one who could do do it is Mr.

Any guesses

Michael Sheen.

Okay.

The only person he's met, but also a fantastic character actor.

Okay, I know I'm a bit of a come down from the British Prime Minister because obviously he famously played Tony Blair in The Queen.

Right.

But him being Welsh and me Irish, I think he could hack it.

He might even start to like drinking shards.

Dot, dot, dot, brackets.

Insider info.

He only drinks red wine.

jills and owing

wow thanks for that exclusive nugget hold the front page hello magazine

um because i don't know if you said um rocky slash dad and michael met backstage at one of our shows and they hit it off amazingly well sure i mean i think michael's a very polite man uh i don't know if they've kept in contact or or holiday together or spent any quality time together but yeah for sure a definite love at first sight moment absolutely actually

not a bad suggestion Like, I actually think

he could do it really, really well.

Indeed, yeah.

So, I imagine he would maybe spend some time with Rocky, some quality time, yeah, um, so that he could kind of method it up.

So, absolutely, I imagine Michael might be moving into the Flintstone of the pavilion, I suppose, for a bit.

Um, so yeah, there you go.

Uh, next up, we've got Thomas here.

Um, who would you prefer to be trapped on a desert island with?

Jamie, Alice, or James?

Now, no offense to you two.

If he doesn't say me, I'm going to be quite offended.

No offence to me.

I know the answer won't be me.

It's definitely going to be James.

That's what I'm worried about.

I drive him up the wall.

That's a good question.

Hey, Thomas, I wouldn't want to be responsible for any of their demises.

Right.

What is he going to kill us on the island?

Is he going to go full Lord of the Flies?

I mean, I'd be boring them rigid with business account info, Excel documents and such stuff.

How's he getting access to that on the desert island?

Just from his head.

You know he'll find a way.

Surely.

Any one of them would have to cut down the nearest palm tree and be paddling for dear life to the next island.

What a politician's answer.

He's not committed.

I think it means you do.

It would be me, wouldn't it?

It would be me.

Yeah.

He'd love it.

He'd love you two to just go on holiday together.

We'd have a whale of a time.

And I think he's like super resourceful.

So I think he'd actually be a real.

I think I'd be shit on a desert island, but I think he'd be a real asset.

He'd be amazing, actually.

He'd be building, you'd have a small civilization in the week without planning permission to get in his way.

Can you imagine?

Oh my God, what he would build.

No constraints.

Wow.

So this one's from Luke.

Hi Luke.

Has Belinda been vaccinated?

Hi, Luke.

Well, actually, no, because she isn't real.

Of much more.

Breaking that fourth wall.

Of much more importance is that Wilmer and I got ours.

The Oxford AZ, and we're just jabba-jabba-dooing.

Jabba-jabba-doing.

Apparently, when he got it, Mum told me that he was just running around the house saying, Jabber-jabba-doo!

jabber jabber doo all day can you imagine living with that man can be get quite annoying couldn't it what do you expect can you imagine i mean it's vaguely amusing once a hundred times just yes if he signed off an email with it it would bring a small smile to my face if he was running around my house screaming it i would jump out the window

um

alex in sweden Hi, Alex.

Says, which of Jamie's voices is your favourite and most like what you imagined when writing?

Oh, wow, yeah.

Because we never really know what he intends.

Hi, Alex in Sweden.

For me, it has to be James Spooner, R.I.P.,

closely followed by Bella and the Duchess Tide.

Or should I say handcuffed?

So Bella was what he imagined.

Is that what he's saying?

I don't know.

I think he just likes it, maybe.

Although, James Spooner, to the letter, really, because he sort of gave you all the info you needed.

Yeah.

Spooner, he actually

embellishes on that, actually.

Spooner is so like the greatest spy in our world, Sir Sean Connery, RIP, aka James Bond, and as they're both past, will remain so forever.

It's that time of year again, back to school season.

And Instacart knows that the only thing harder than getting back into the swing of things is getting all the back-to-school supplies, snacks, and essentials you need.

So here's your reminder to make your life a little easier this season.

Shop favorites from Staples, Best Buy, and Costco all delivered through Instacart so that you can get some time back and do whatever it is that you need to get your life back on track.

Instacart, we're here.

It's easy to be a superhero.

You don't need a cape or x-ray vision.

You just need to sign up for PowerSaver Rewards.

That way, when you save energy during a flex alert, you get a credit back on your energy bill.

Visit powersaverrewards.org and become a super power saver.

Why does every recipe I try need 18 ingredients, including a jar of something paste I'll never use again, but will sit in my fridge for nine months?

I just want dinner in the oven fast.

That's why I love Blue Apron's new one-pan assemble and bake meals.

They send you fresh ingredients that are already chopped.

All you do is put it all together and bake.

That's it.

No chopping, no weird leftovers, just delicious, easy-to-make meals.

Get 20% off your first two orders with code APRAN20.

Terms and conditions apply.

Visit blueapron.com/slash terms for more.

You check your feed and your account.

You check the score and the restaurant reviews.

You check your hair and reflective surfaces and the world around you for recession indicators.

So you check all that, but you don't check to see what your ride options are.

In this economy, next time, check Lyft.

Coach, the energy out there felt different.

What changed for the team today?

It was the new game Day Scratchers from the California Lottery.

Play is everything.

Those games sent the team's energy through the roof.

Are you saying it was the off-field play that made the difference on the field?

Hey, a little play makes your day, and today it made the game.

That's all for now.

Coach, one more question.

Play the new Los Angeles Chargers, San Francisco 49ers, and Los Angeles Rams Scratchers from the California Lottery.

A little play can make your day.

Please play responsibly must be 18 years or older to purchase, play, or claim.

What a solemn end to that question.

How long does it typically take you to write a chapter of Belinda Blinked?

And that's from Kip.

Kip in the USA.

Then I tear it up and then I'll write it down again.

Oh, hi.

Oh, hi.

Oh, my God, I've got that, Kip.

Oh, hi.

Two exclamation points.

Oh, hi.

Kip, seriously.

And you won't believe this, but I can get a chapter down in three hours.

Three hours?

It takes in three hours to write some of those.

Usually I do an hour and 27 minutes, a quick bottle of wine, six minutes, and then on to the second.

Shut up.

He's not downing a bottle of wine in six minutes.

Well, I've seen you do it.

Yeah.

We're big drinkers in our family.

And then another hour and 27 minutes worth.

I don't know if all that maths works, but.

He just says, does the maths work?

So I guess.

Yeah, it does.

There's three minutes, one hour, 27, one hour, 27.

There's an additional six minutes.

Okay, three hours.

It's very precise.

So what?

He says it takes three hours with a wine break in the middle.

Yeah.

Maybe that explains why some of the chapters really go off the right wheel towards the end.

Yeah.

I just honestly can't believe they take that long.

Maybe he spends a lot of it like looking through the thesaurus or.

That must take a long time.

And he's quite an analogue worker, isn't he?

He wouldn't be using an online thesaurus likely.

No, he's probably got a physical one somewhere in there.

Big, big chunky.

I imagine he's someone who's got encyclopedias.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

This next one's from Anon, so it might be someone that's not wanting to be revealed.

Or called Anon.

I mean, there's some weird names these days.

Oh, hi, Anon.

They ask, how do you get over a writer's block?

Hi, Anon.

Thankfully, that's something I've never experienced.

The reason for this is whilst I write extremely rapidly, it's a bit like chasing a car whose handbrakes have failed down a San Francisco street.

You're running so hard to catch up with the damn thing that you've got no time to stop or everything ends a car wreck.

In simple speak.

Yeah, please.

I'm going to just come to this bit.

The words are flooding out so fast, you haven't got time for a block.

So he's just like, he's almost got like blinder blink diarrhea.

It's just always coming up.

That makes sense.

He's never not able to just.

There's a constant toxic flow.

It's just very quick, isn't it?

It's true.

It just suggests there's something he's like, he's been born with this gift, and it's just like constantly, it needs to be expressed.

Yeah, or like, you know, when there's like sewage just kind of like being dumped in the ocean and it's just this constant like gushing from a pipe, sort of like that.

Or a car that's just lost its brakes in San Francisco.

Wow.

I mean, I like the sewage in our little people.

Vera in Finland.

Some of them say where they're from and some don't.

It's very confusing.

But Vera says, what is a day in the life of Rocky like?

Oh, Vera, why?

Why, my dear?

Hey, Vera.

I would say much easier than yours.

No snow to get the reindeer and sleds stuck in each morning.

No sun down at 3pm for half of the year.

No chardonnay at £23 a bottle.

Oh, this is just a kind of fact file about Finland.

Finland, yeah.

No, my life is one of sand, sea, and sex.

Ugh.

That's horrible.

Why uh?

It's uh for me.

Well, and me, I don't want to think about Jamie's dad having sex.

We're six seasons in, James.

I think that's ship sale.

I know, but I always try and disassociate.

I know what you mean.

Yeah, yeah.

So, you want Rocky to be unhappily celibate?

No, I just don't want him to like put it in my face, his heterosexuality in my face.

He did actually mention it on a work call the other day.

Did anybody else notice that when he said he'd uh lost um lost a contact lens?

Because he'd been uh busy.

Do you remember that, Jamie?

I really hope she didn't hear that, actually.

What did he say?

He lost a contact lens because he'd been busy.

Did he, really?

Yeah, and we were on a work call with other people, and I've never known Hazoom to be so silent.

Was he joking?

No.

I hope so.

He was not one bit joking.

He lost a contact lens because he was having sex.

Anyway,

well, now we know.

He said, sorry I'm late for the call.

I lost a contact lens because me and

me and Wilma.

He actually mentioned Wilmer, obviously, because who else would it be?

Oh, my word.

Were you not shocked, Jamie?

I didn't say anything that whole meeting.

Did you not think why?

I was absolutely shaken.

It wasn't with the Americans, was it?

It was with some business people.

Yeah.

Okay, next one.

This one's from Carmela.

Harris?

Here's open.

What's the first thing you're going to do post-pandemic?

Oh, hi, Carmela.

Shouldn't you be running the White House?

Oh, same joke.

I don't know why I'm owing.

Like, oh, what a shit joke.

I literally just made the same one.

I just made it.

Okay, I know this is an important policy issue.

So here it's not actually Kamala Harris.

So here's my take on it.

I'm going to start writing medical books.

No, no, no, no.

What?

What do you mean, medical books?

I'm going to start writing medical books on how to avoid being caught in another pandemic.

Inside will be tips on how to convert your thong into a mask.

How to buy your wine cheaply from online sources, how to avoid answering your front door, what pharmaceuticals.

I think he's overestimating how much space he needs for these tips.

A beer mat would be fine.

How to avoid answering your front door and what pharmaceutical companies to invest in, so on.

Oh, wow, that's a leap from how not to answer your front door to stock market investment tips.

I'm not sure there's a massive gap in the market for that.

I mean, he had me at the like thong into a mask.

That's quite good.

Yeah.

Really?

You want to wear a thong as a mask?

I don't, but you know, know, if times got tough.

What was the second one?

How to order wine online?

Yes.

But they need a book for that.

Cheaply.

Cheaply, sorry, cheaply.

Also, it's not really pertinent to a pandemic situation.

Oh, I guess it depends what you consider essential, but yeah.

They did make off-licenses essential here.

Did they?

Yeah.

I mean, at best, this is like a little list of tips and tricks.

A book, a series of books.

Yeah, I'm going to start writing medical books.

Medical, they're also not medical.

Oh, Carmela.

Last question from Steph.

Have you ever ridden a horse?

What?

Have you ever ridden a horse?

Steph's is not so rocky.

This got through from all the questions we have.

There are tens of thousands.

But I thought, you know, Toffee Apple chewed, like, you know, he's so good at writing a horse.

I thought maybe it would be good to know.

He's so good at writing a horse.

Why did we let Jamie pick these?

Oh, hi, Steph.

On the horse thing.

Yes.

On the horse thing, which you asked about.

On the horse thing.

Yes.

But not as a jockey or when they jump over fences and stuff like that.

No shit.

Your dad's not been a jockey.

He's about six foot five.

I'm much more comfortable on an elephant.

Has your dad ever been on an elephant?

I don't know.

So is he saying he hasn't ridden a horse, but he has ridden an elephant?

He enjoys horses, but not in any kind of professional context, but he's more comfortable on an elephant.

What does that mean?

Is there any more?

Is that it?

That's it.

Yeah, that's it.

What does he think this exercise is?

Uh, I think he likes to keep the mystery up.

You know, he is an enigma.

Or mission accomplishment, you know.

Mystery intact.

I mean, I say it every time.

This increases the mystery, really, doesn't he?

Yeah, I say it every year.

Why do we bother?

Like, what is that about?

I feel sorry for the people who got their question answered, not the people that didn't.

Yeah.

But, you know, a few tips in there, how to write a book, you know, how to write the answer front door.

You know,

there were things to gleam.

And that was free.

So you got all of that insight for free.

Lucky doubles.

And I mean, I guess I'll just leave you with the thought of that missing content lens.

Okay, yes.

Thank you.

We'll see you on Monday for another chapter of Belinda Blinkt.

We get it.

It's more important than ever to get the most out of your money.

Options are key.

Options like Lyft, where you get great rewards, especially with partners like Dash Pass by DoorDash.

If you're a Dash Pass member, just link your DoorDash account and you'll get 5% off on-demand rides, 10% off scheduled rides to the airport, plus two free priority pickup upgrades every month.

New to Dash Pass?

To sign up for a three-month free trial, check Lyft.

Terms apply.

Coach, the energy out there felt different.

What changed for the team today?

It was the new game day scratches from the California Lottery.

Play is everything.

Those games sent the team's energy through the roof.

Are you saying it it was the off-field play that made the difference on the field?

Hey, a little play makes your day, and today it made the game.

That's all for now.

Coach, one more question.

Play the new Los Angeles Chargers, San Francisco 49ers, and Los Angeles Rams Scratchers from the California Lottery.

A little play can make your day.

Please play responsibly, must be 18 years or older to purchase, play, or claim.