S6E1 - 'Dust and Scrub, Scrub and Dust'

Did you know adults 60 plus lose more than 60 billion dollars each year to financial exploitation?

Greenlight's new Family Shield plan empowers you to monitor your accounts for suspicious activity, protect yourself with up to $1 million identity theft coverage, and reassure loved ones that you're safe with location sharing and place alerts.

Get peace of mind today at greenlight.com slash protect.

That's greenlight.com/slash protect.

The following podcast contains adult themes, sexual content, and strong language.

Basically, all the good stuff.

Hello, and welcome to My Dad Wrote a Porno.

It's season six.

How has this happened, guys?

Saffy's sixth birthday, everybody.

Saffy's sixth birthday, yes.

Saisie said it would never come.

They said it was a terrible idea.

And they were us.

And they continue to throw the party line, but here we are.

You've made us cookies.

That was nice.

Yeah, they were stodgy, weren't they?

They were quite stodgy, but very healthy, as well as healthy as a cookie can be.

Yeah, sesame seeds, tahini.

You said they reminded you of what was it, Jamie?

Hot crumbly.

Do you remember hot crumbly, the breakfast?

I've literally never heard of hot in the 90s.

It was nuts and maybe some syrup in there.

And you added a little splash of milk and made it into a sort of porridge-based thing.

But it was basically like baking a cake.

I was going to say, are you sure it wasn't cake mixture?

Yeah.

Watch it be like muesley.

It kind of had a look of muesley, but the way that you...

Engaged with it.

Engaged.

Yes, exactly.

The way that you put it together was very much.

Put it together.

Who's ever described eating cereal like that?

Oh, wow.

I love how you've put that together.

Have you had to put some milk on some corn plates?

Oh, my God.

Here it is.

Kellogg's hot oat.

Oh my god, it's hot crumbly with a K.

I can't take it.

Hot oat crumbly.

Original, deliciously warming oatie clusters.

So yeah, it was kind of like...

James deal with this.

I don't don't know what to say.

Anyway, let's leave that to one side.

Anyway, they were delicious.

Thanks for deleted.

Thank you.

Thank you so much.

And your transition to an old woman is complete.

Is this the longest we've ever not been on air for?

I mean, don't say on air, but you know what I mean?

On air?

Is this the longest part we've ever done for you?

It's been about a year and a half, hasn't it?

Well, you know, stuff's happened, hasn't it?

Well, quite.

But quite a palate cleanser, right?

Because after a while, you do need to just rid your system of rocky.

I had to listen back to the last episode to kind of remember what had happened because I'd gone like you, I'd got kind of rocky amnesia.

I'd kind of wiped it from my memory.

The body's a very clever, responsive unit that wants to protect you from such.

You start giving birth.

You forget all about it.

How have you been in the 18 months since the proper series?

What have you been?

I mean, obviously not much has been going on.

What have you been?

What have you been doing?

Like, have you had hobbies?

You were doing a lot of art, weren't you?

Doing my art, doing my running.

You're becoming quite the artist these days.

Thank you.

Thank you.

I don't like to talk about it.

Available now.

If you go to my Instagram, you can buy any of the original.

Are you selling them?

I've just been giving them as gifts, actually, but maybe I should

include an invoice when I send them to friends and family.

I have one in this kitchen, it's over there, it's framed.

Yeah, what do you draw?

What are your

inspirations?

Naked ladies and flowers mainly.

Okay.

So half of Rocky's passion and half of my own.

Where are you getting the naked ladies?

Oh, just passers-by.

Whoever I can get to strip in front of my window.

On Zoom, actually.

Sorry.

So they strip on Zoom.

Yeah, on Zoom.

But they're just in their houses stripping.

They're not stripping.

Stripping suggests they gradually derodee, but they are nude.

Because I did a

what was it called?

An NVQ, is that?

You've done it.

Oh, here we go.

What?

Jamie, why do you wait until the start of the podcast to reveal all this weird stuff?

What have you done an MVQ in?

This year, you've done a lot of fun.

No, no, no.

This is when I was a kid.

When you were a kid, you did an MVQ.

Just for the international listeners, it's basically a degree.

Is it?

No, I used to baccalaureate when I was four doing life drawing.

You did an NVQ in life drawing when you were a kid.

What?

It was in, I think it was in year 10 or 11 and we used to go to the next town along with my school.

It was kind of like a night class.

I can't look at it.

And it was night class.

Why aren't we at school at night?

Alistair's having a breakdown.

It was like an NVQ.

When it was in year 10, so or 11, so he was doing his GCSEs, but decided to opt into night school.

It was one day a week.

I did it with some friends.

It was fun, but we had to draw.

How old were the friends?

Well, the woman that we had to draw was called Samantha, I remember,

American.

And what was great about it, which is why I mentioned it,

was that you all were in a circle around Samantha.

So everyone's

perspective.

But she was great.

And she just used to strip off.

And then

we would draw her.

But my point being, so when you do it on Zoom, everyone's got the same perspective of your model.

So you're all in competition.

Whereas the good thing when I did my MBQ was that you'd always go for the rear.

Your art was never directly compared to each other's because you all had a slightly different view of it.

That is the beauty of an MBQ, isn't it?

What a fucking roundabout way to tell us he has an MVQ in life drawing.

This is where he tells us that he left school at nine.

Yeah, honestly.

Jamie, get it out of your system now before we start.

I haven't even started reading the bloody book.

I'm so sorry.

I've derailed it twice with Hot Crumbly and an MBQ.

I never thought, I never thought a hidden qualification that he didn't

life drawing.

I mean, he's just gonna surprise us.

I think it was by a salt museum, if I remember.

Shut up.

Shut your goddamn mouth.

I've had quite enough of you.

He's trolling us.

If you're not reading the book, I don't want to see that mouth flapping, all right?

Deal.

Okay.

That's it.

When did I sign up to be part of a podcast that's basically Jamie's autobiography?

The new slice of his life every week.

Why did he opt in?

15, 15 years old.

You're interested in girls, you want to go out, you want to get drunk legally.

Jamie opts in for a night class.

Oh, can I just say, it was one night a a week.

It was a school night.

I mean, I don't disapprove of anybody bettering themselves, learning a new skill, apart from Jamie.

And that is my own category.

You would be an ally in this, Alice.

You also introduced me to the best.

It's the lies.

It's the lies, I can't tell you.

Well, it's not even lies, is it?

It's more...

How is it lies?

Lies of a mission.

Deceptions and withholdings.

Exactly.

It's just a wealth of sin of a mission, you think.

It just never came up.

Who are you?

You know why he's so good at all the voices, don't you?

He's a spy.

I think he is.

I don't think he's our friend at all.

I've said that for years.

Um, right, shall we start reading?

Okay, before we start, shall I give us a quick round-up of uh where we got to?

Okay, I'm going to time you, though.

30 seconds.

Okay, okay.

Yeah, I'm up to the challenge.

Okay, three, two, one, go.

So, Belinda and Bella were in Australia, hot on the tail of Giselle, who had turned against them.

Um, but they got arrested by Giselle and Tony's long-lost brother, George, who were working for Bish,

and they were in the clink, but then they were broken out.

Spooner came along, and Giselle actually ended up breaking them out.

She turned good again because it turned out that her mum was ill and she was doing it all to raise money for her mum's illness.

And oh, she didn't actually kill Slint, Slint's killed himself.

So she's good again.

She's back in the glee team.

In the meantime, Bish was like,

and

that's time.

I'm sorry.

What happened?

What happened next?

He kidnapped Belinda in a hot air balloon.

James, that's time.

They flew off into the Australian skies, and they both had a tattoo that had BBB on it.

And Bish said, yes, family.

And we're like, what?

What does that mean?

Can he hear you when James time?

I mean honestly so over time.

To be fair a very very energetic retelling and and far more coherent than you know I loved when he was doing it see how his hands were over his face like this tunnel vision literally beautiful you were going into your mind palace weren't you?

Yeah thank you thank you well we don't all have an NVQ James

in storytelling

okay well are we ready to delve into book six then yes I think it's long overdue

what's the chapter title please maestro okay the drum roll.

Belinda Blink Six,

chapter one:

Dust and Scrub, Scrub and Dust.

Is that like the hump and skunk?

A dust and scrub.

I feel a song coming on.

Okay, so Belinda Blink Six, Chapter One: Dust and Scrub, Scrub and Dust.

I'm actually more excited than I thought I would be.

We're so lucky to have this in our lives.

Aren't we?

The over-emotional hooves of Toffee Apple Chew

sporting her most solemn rosette.

She's got a rosette on.

Wait, could she be at the

championships called?

Or do you think she's done an MVQ in life?

Life-saving.

Sporting her most solemn rosette.

Not a thing.

Pulled the coach containing Laird Spooner of Gretna Green, posthumous, to his final resting place in Westminster Abbey.

Okay, I have to be honest, I thought we'd pick up exactly where we left off.

It sounds like this is.

Was a funeral?

Yeah, a week, two weeks, three weeks later.

And also, the Toffee Apple Chew, who we've never really known the job of, but is a kind of rescue horse like Skippy the Bush Kangaroo, and also

does funerals?

Bar mitzvahs, funerals, weddings.

A very busy horse.

So is Spuna having like a state funeral?

He's got Westminster Abbey.

Westminster Abbey, yeah.

And a laird.

That's like a Scottish lord.

Yeah.

Just a quick question.

Final resting place will be Westminster Abbey.

Is he a king?

Isn't there where kings are?

Where will he go?

Well, there are tombs, but it's for kings, isn't it?

Tombs?

He's not going to

be burial.

Yeah, you're right, because

he deserves a final resting place.

Yeah, okay.

I can't believe he's having it.

He does not deserve a state funeral.

Who are you to say?

He's rubbish at his job.

Wow.

Wow.

He died, James.

James, you have to read the mood of the nation for these things.

What, you think that it was like Diana, like there was public pressure?

They were like, give Spooner the state funeral he deserves.

Yeah, because if anything, he's undercover in a lot of his work.

So how would anybody...

Surely this is a kind of breach of some kind of secrets that...

It's revealing him to be the spy he always was.

So he's being dragged or pulled to his final resting place in Westminster Abbey.

In his honour, the damp London streets were filled with heartbroken citizens,

all playing Mozart's Requiem on their spoons.

Oh, spoons for spoons.

Spoons for spoons.

I'm sorry, too.

Obviously, RFP, but it doesn't feel quite as I imagined.

Do you mind if I just get some spoons?

Please do.

Right, so I've got the spoons.

Yeah.

Right, here we go, I've got some.

So Mozart's Requiem, do you know that by heart?

Can you give me like a vague blast?

Well, it's a hard one to kind of end.

It's very core.

It's very like, oh, it's like.

It's quite frantic.

It's like, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, exactly.

Okay.

Doesn't quite have the same dramatic.

It'd make me cry.

But it's thousands of people doing that.

That's a rapper.

The streets were covered.

It's not a spoon solo.

You can't really recreate strings with two bits of metal.

It's almost why we use more sophisticated instruments than spoons for orchestras.

What a nice little motif, though.

Lovely motif.

So they're all crying.

The much-honoured James Spooner, Laird of Gretna Green's state funeral, was a small reward for a man who had given up so much to public life and the royals personally.

As the horns burped and the trumpets trumped, Bella Ridley blew every emotion out of her nose.

Bella shouldn't be there either.

Like, I know, at a state funeral, Bella Ridley, give me a break.

There's limited seating.

Well, people are lining the streets, guys.

I mean, the public are there.

Anybody can turn up.

Heads of state, you know, presidents, prime ministers, and Bella.

Oh.

She was the first of the mourners following the cortage as it entered the Abbey.

The first.

Why?

She's not his wife.

Well, true to the much-honoured James Spooner, Laird of Gretna Green.

He's just going to call him this the whole time.

True to the much honoured James Spooner, Laird of Gretna Green's wishes, mourners followed in the order.

Mourners?

Mourners.

It's all bloody mourners.

Murners followed in the order he had last ravaged them.

Oh, now you've explained it.

Yeah, fair enough.

No, that is following protocol.

Is that in the will?

Which caused much confusion and bitterness between his many ex-wives.

Also, how do you define ravage?

I mean, like, you know, is it a stroke on the arm or is it like full-on sex?

And how are you comparing notes?

Are you in a WhatsApp group and you're like, well, I remember we last had sex on this date and then somebody one-upmanships it.

I don't know.

But it caused much confusion and bitterness between his many ex-wives.

He'd sworn to Charlene Spooner that he'd only fingered Beryl Spooner after their divorce was signed in his own blood.

How many?

The many, many lives and wives of Spooner.

A drawer full of spooners.

I swear to you, I only fingered her.

Can you imagine that conversation?

I only fingered her after the divorce was signed.

Why is he only fingering women he's divorced?

I'm so confused.

But the sheer number of conquests was playing havoc with the stuffy commentators of BB3 News.

BB3.

Belinda Blink3.

Of Belinda Blink3 News.

Does he mean BBC?

BB3 News.

He can't say BBC, can he?

Oh, sorry, he just said BB3.

He can't say BB3.

That would be illegal.

Good lord.

Oh, so this has got news coverage.

This has got live news coverage.

This is like BBC3, which is like a youth channel.

BB3 News is covering.

The home of Gavin and Stacey.

And two pints of lager and a packet of Chris.

Is doing the coverage.

Okay, well, I guess whoever got the rights.

So they're playing havoc with the stuffy commentators of BB3 News.

Leading the cortage is Miss Bella Ridley, the newly appointed international sales director to a functional lifestyle brand Steel's pots and pens.

Bella's got Belinda's job.

Oh my god.

I couldn't even hear her new title because why is it being delivered like it's the Olympics?

Why is it like now taking to the floor to do her routine as young upstart Bella Ridley?

So presumably, sorry, just filling in the gaps.

Belinda's long gone.

So like they're not going to try and save her.

They just replace her and go with their life.

So, Bella's now Belinda.

Yeah, where's cocks when you need them?

Yeah.

So, Bella, the newly appointed international sales director of functional lifestyle brands, Steel Sports and Pens.

I do love their Ramekins, Jocasta.

And is that the Russian Minister for Propaganda?

For what are they?

Propaganda.

Propaganda.

Propaganda.

The one they call the

Goryak Chiak

of global politics.

The very same

rolls off the tongue, doesn't it?

The one that they call.

Nope.

The one that they call the Goryachaya Zadinsta of global politics.

What are you saying?

Can I see it?

Yeah.

Goryachaya.

Can you Google this on Translate?

So Russian.

Oh, it's not a name.

No, it's so they call this person the Goryachia Zadinstaza of global politics.

I mean, how that could be pronounced wrong when Jamie says it, I just don't know.

So G-O-R-Y-A-C-H-A-Y-A.

Come on.

Slower.

G-O-R-Y-A-C-H-A-Y-A.

New word.

Hot.

Z.

Already excited.

Next word.

Z-A-D-N-I-T-S-A.

Hot ass.

The one they call the hot ass of global politics.

Well, that was worth it, wasn't it?

Jesus.

So the one they call the Goria Tria Zen Zadidsta.

Just say hot ass.

Just hot ass.

The one they call the hot ass of global politics?

It can't be.

My, he did get around.

He absolutely did.

For there's the Grand High Prince of Liechtenstein just behind that milkmaid.

Oh my god, how long is this list going to be?

I can't do a full register of people that attend this bloody funeral.

There's a milkmaid there.

It's a who's who?

A milkmaid?

What is this?

From the grand high prince of Lichtenstein to a milkmaid.

He did get around, didn't he?

Let's be honest.

I don't know what you're talking about.

It's really, really lost.

I'm really sorry.

I don't know what you mean.

Did you know adults 60 plus lose more than $60 billion each year to financial exploitation?

Greenlight's new Family Shield plan empowers you to monitor your accounts for suspicious activity, protect yourself with up to $1 million identity theft coverage, and reassure loved ones that you're safe with location sharing and place alerts.

Get peace of mind mind today at greenlight.com/slash protect.

That's greenlight.com/slash protect.

Tears flowed as Her Majesty Queen Lizzie 2

delivered the eulogy to her favourite wee laddie.

The queen did the eulogy.

So wait, are we really missing something?

I doubt it, spoiler.

But are we underestimating his influence somehow?

I don't think so.

I really, really don't think so.

I think Rocky's just been like, if you're going to do a funeral, go big or go funeral.

Oh my god, go huge.

From outside the biggest church, Toffee Apple Chew wailed a mournful...

You don't really know if it's mournful or celebratory, do you?

It's just a horse.

She's wearing her solemn rosette.

Oh.

Which I'm assuming is like a big black rosette.

And a little veil over her eyes.

Oh, lovely.

Very tasteful.

A bit of lace.

She'd always loved being ridden by James Spooner, and the thought of each of his buttock buddies never again slapping her muscular back made her weep out her impossibly long eyelashes.

Why are we personifying Toffee Applejoo quite so much?

I don't approve of that one bit.

And it was a sentiment shared by Bella in particular.

Bella's sharing a sentiment with Toffee Apple Jew.

With a horse.

To be fair, they're on a level.

And

it was a sentiment shared by Bella in particular.

For her, this was a double morning.

Stop saying mere thing.

Why are you saying saying moule mer mier?

Why are you saying like sole mounier?

What do you say?

We say what people say, morning.

What do you say?

It's got you in it.

It's morning.

Okay.

For her, this was a double morning.

Why does it pain him to just.

God, he's so annoying.

For her, this was a double morning.

Stop it.

I'm going to freak.

I'm going to smack you, COVID or no, I'm coming over there.

I'm going to freak.

For her, this was a double morning.

Her boss and play.

Okay, Okay, I've never ever lost it and turned the table over, but I will.

He's provoking it.

I know he is.

Her boss and playmate, Belinda Blumenthal, was missing, presumed dead.

Well, they've chosen to presume her dead.

I was going to say, they very much saw her flying into the sky.

They know she was fine.

The deputy CEO of Bisch Hairstelung was unable to help the Australian authorities as to her whereabouts, and the matter had quickly been forgotten.

Do you know where she is?

No.

Okay, okay, okay, suppose nothing else we can do.

Just another unlucky tourist lost in the bush full of dust and scrub.

Dust and scrub.

Dust and scrub.

You'd think it would be quite an interesting investigation if somebody escaped in a hot air balloon.

It's like, quite

frenzy, isn't it?

Yeah, in all my years, we've never had something like this.

I want to look into it.

And they're like, I've forgotten.

Half a world away, it had been well over two days as the balloon flew on and on and on and on over the dried-out landscape of scrub and dust.

Okay, right.

So much to talk about.

So, what Rocky's implying is if this is like parallel with what's happening at the funeral, they've got Spoon and his body and organised the state funeral all in two days.

48 hours.

That takes that long to fly to England from Australia.

Well, not quite two days.

It's very efficient, James.

Yeah.

Maybe they got that direct flight from Perth.

Oh, yeah, that's only 18 hours, so then you've got ages left.

True.

Jamie, I haven't finished.

And the other thing is, they've been in the air for two days in this hot, I believe.

Is that what we're led to believe?

Yeah.

Led to believe.

Okay, interesting.

They've had enough fuel to be in the air for two days and they're now flying over the outback, I assume.

Scrubbing dust.

Scrubbing dust.

I imagine they have food in that balloon that's desperately inappropriate to survive.

It's going to be like cold cuts or like oysters or something.

Do you not remember?

It's Bavarian

bread.

Yes.

Oh, no, that does keep, though.

For two days.

Oh, we get keeps.

What, meats?

For bread and under a flame.

Also, how many people are in the higher balloon?

Bish, George, and Belinda.

So they've got

two days, three people.

How are they doing their ablutions?

Oh, God.

Over the side.

That's quite dangerous, isn't it?

Can you imagine Bish hanging over the side trying to get away?

His ramcidinous.

Oh, my God.

His gentleman's wolf knocks everybody out.

God knows what else comes out of it.

At least there's a lot of airflow in a hot air balloon.

Yeah, but there's also flames.

It could set the whole thing on fire.

Belinda was so scared, her asshole was munching through her nicks.

Oh, God.

Oh, he's just skimming over.

That's absolutely disgusting.

He's rancid.

So her bum was eating her knickers.

Yeah,

she was so scared that her asshole was munching through her nicks at a similar rate of knots, about 69.

Belinda Blumenthal peeled back an eyelid just a millimetre.

Through the crack in her eye, she saw the crack of an ass.

George Sylvester, the evil brother in this tale, was bent over.

What a strange change in tone.

Was bent over, rummaging for something secret and no doubt naughty.

She must have taken them, bish!

That special bitch.

She'll see the inside of me, knife.

The inside of your knife?

Menacing and then confusing.

I'm so scared.

No, I'm not.

The sharpest bit of a knife is the inside of the knife.

You vool!

No,

better than that.

You is a ninny hammer.

What?

You vool.

No, better than that.

You is a ninny hammer.

A ninni hammer, okay.

Bish was throthing at the jaws, and Belinda could smell everything he'd ever eaten through his teeth.

This is what I'm saying.

That's just what's coming from his mouth.

Think how big the basket of a balloon is.

Like, it's tinier than this table, really.

Yeah, oh, yeah, definitely.

So, this is a very large table.

This is at least two metres by table.

Two meters by two meters by two metres, you might say.

So, any one time when he's bending over, for example, when George is rummaging, I mean, that's right in her face.

It's a bum in your face, isn't it?

There's no gap.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

So, she could smell everything he'd ever eaten through his teeth, everything he'd ever eaten, not even just the Bavarian meats and cheeses.

She could smell the hot crumbly.

In fact, the pair had been non-stop stuffing their lips with specially imported East German original cheese bars.

Cheese bars.

Cheese bars, beer, etc., etc., etc.

Etc., etc.

Can't be bothered to think.

It's not my place to fill in the gaps, except it is.

That food group tended to make Belinda burp, or even worse, fart.

Why are we doing so much about bottling just processes?

It's supposed to be sexy and we're just talking about people's IPS.

Burping and farting.

Alice, you just missed him say same.

Same.

Yeah, yeah.

I'm a gussie when drinking beer.

And cheese bars.

I hope everyone's enjoying their Belinda beers actually, as a matter of fact.

Wow, see this.

So that food group tended to make Belinda burp or even worse fart.

So she decided to go hungry rather than embarrass herself in front of her two worst enemies.

Well, I mean, that's no way to live, is it?

Like, it's all human.

I mean, we all burp, we all fart.

You know, I sometimes fart.

And you can...

Sometimes.

It's been known.

The amount we've had to cover cover in the edit.

So

I don't think you should be embarrassed, even in front of your mortal enemies.

So I know how she feels actually.

You are a gassy lady, yeah.

I mean, I don't want to make it public, but you said it first.

Wow.

Okay, I don't think that's completely fair.

I actually think that's defamatory.

But if you put together a montage of all those audio clips you have, people can come to their own conclusions.

On the third day, Bish started to fall ill.

George, you azzole.

Vomit Chunderbath.

You Vomit Chaff.

Vomit Chunderbarf.

Vomit Chunderbath.

Assen.

Vomit Chunderbath.

Vomit Chunderbath.

I thought that was like a German column.

Vomit Chundaba.

Herr Vomit Chunderbath.

Hello, I'm James Vomit Chunderbar.

Oh,

Mrs.

Martial Cassandra Claude.

I'm Herr Vomit Underbath.

Our family's holiday together is simply.

Vomit Chandaba.

I don't understand in the context.

So it goes, George, you asshole.

And then in brackets, it says, vomit Chundaba.

So he vomit Chundabaft.

Yes.

So it goes, George, you asshole.

Vomit Chunderbath.

You have spew sick wretch.

So he's like, George,

you.

Oh, god.

George, you hashle.

Vomit Chunderbath.

You have spew sick wretch.

Poisoned me.

Bouched Bish as he emptied his guts over the side for the umpteenth time.

The idea of being in that basket is...

The idea of being in the garden below when that vomit chunderbath comes down.

You run Sun Lander in your garden and then you're like, oh, I think it's raining.

Oh my god, it's vomit underbath.

Spew sick wretch.

I wasn't supposed to vomit underbath today.

So he's about to.

I will have your ass for this atrocity on my belly tubes.

Crank.

Belly tubes?

It's so visceral.

So stupid.

And it ends with crank, which I assume is another word for being sick.

A crank is ill in German, yeah.

Ig bin crank.

I am ill.

Oh, thank god we've got James with us.

Don't blame me, Herr Wolfgang.

Try that nasty piece of a pot cellar over there.

Or should I say MI6 British intelligence?

Oh, don't do that.

That actually made me nearly vomit.

Well, how did you do that noise?

It's just clubs there.

You don't think leaving cheese and ham out in the sun under that hot, hot fire is going to do something, do you?

That couldn't have possibly have turned bad, could it?

I've got food poisoning or the food in the basket.

Or a diet of cheese, non-stop for three days.

No water, just beer.

They've got scurvy.

Or should I say, MI6 British intelligence?

Oh, stop doing that.

Why is he doing it so realistically?

I bet you she's behind this somehow.

As he was almightily sick, Belinda smiled.

God, Belinda's poisoned them.

Back at Steele's HQ,

Bella was out of her depth with her new duties.

Well, no shit, Sherlock.

Whenever things got tough, she looked at a post-it note on her word processor unit.

unit.

It simply said, switch me on.

Live, laugh, love.

It's just an arrow to the power button.

It simply said, www.

www.google.com.

www.steelspotsandpans.co.uk.

That's where to start.

Just go on the website.

So it simply said, wwbd.

Who would Belinda do?

Oh, who?

I thought it would be what would a client.

Clever.

A manufacturer?

An intern?

Whoever it took.

But that's kind of a good motto, really, because that did do Belinda quite proud.

Bella is not qualified for this job whatsoever.

Just then, Des Martin knocked on her brushed antique brass knob.

It had beautiful gold threading around the bulb bit, and it was stunning to touch and see.

Tell us more about the door house.

Yeah, why has that had two sentences?

Rumours had long circulated that it had been recovered from the Mary Rose, but who knew for real?

The Mary Rose.

That's a Tudor warship.

The home of the sauce, the prawn sauce.

Yeah, the Mary Rose is the sauce, yeah.

But the Mary Rose is definitely a shoogle Mary Rose.

You're absolutely right.

A warship of the English Tudor Navy of King Henry VIII.

She served for 33 years in several wars against France, Scotland and Brittany.

I feel like that's probably the most expensive item in the whole office.

I mean, it would be priceless, probably.

You would imagine it would be in a museum, yeah.

It's worth more than the whole company.

And has she, sorry, I mean, why are we dwelling this wrong?

But has she had that fitted since she's become sales director?

Oh, would you think?

She brought it with her from her office.

I don't think she had an office, did she?

She brought that knob with her from reception.

Dropping a muffin mold prototype, Bella bent down.

Her mini skirt rolled right up her thighs, so Des could see her undergarments clear as sticky back plastic.

I can see next week's washing.

His eyebrows pranced.

It's quite funny, though.

Next week's as well.

Because she's wearing them today, so they're going to get washed next week.

Yeah, I guess.

Is that how people do it?

This chapter's disgusting.

Enter my favourite RSM!

Bella's upside-down head said.

Now that, it's 18 months isn't long enough for a break from that.

What?

Bella's upside-down head.

Because she's like bent over and she's like upside down through her legs.

And is her underwear clear?

What was sticky?

No, he could just see her undergarments as clear as sticky back plastic.

Right.

Oh, unless they are cellophane knickers.

I don't know.

It'd be weird, but

I wouldn't put it past the score.

Enter my favourite RSM.

Bella's upside-down head said.

Not so fast, he smiled.

I'm not.

Bella replied.

What?

But Dez continued.

What's the hang on?

Enter my favourite RSM.

Not so fast.

I'm not.

What?

He's confused himself.

Rocky's confused himself.

But Dez continued.

Basically, you know, Sir James has stepped back from the business business and handed over the chairmanship to Tony Sylvester.

Exposition?

All happened in two days.

Oh yes!

Oh yes!

Losing the trioxy Brillo blueprints and the death of their inventor Professor Slintz has been very sad for him.

Bella recapped.

Well, Daz continued.

He's still to be involved as a major shareholder, of course.

But his new mission in life is to track down the killer of his first wife, Arabelle.

That and and the people responsible for Belinda Blumenforce's disappearance.

And God help them if he ever found the two crimes were connected to the same person.

So, Sir James has left the chairmanship of Steel's Potsdam to become like some private vigilante

Batman.

Oh my god, he is Batman.

He's a very elderly Batman, a wealthy man in a castle.

So, Arabelle, we know, died in suspicious circumstances.

It was with a parachute.

Very cool.

Yes.

Yeah, but that was never in the book.

That was in like a random bit of extra stuff he wrote.

Oh, right.

So he's referring back to something that he didn't even include in the book.

I think that was a rocky question we asked him once.

So we, as a reader, would be the first time learning that his wife had died.

Survival.

How helpful.

Okay, great.

Okay, so we'll just forget we know that.

Fantastic.

So, yeah, he's gone off to fight crime.

Tony's bumped up.

Bella's bumped up.

And the RSMs have just stayed.

They've already said the same.

They are stagnant.

He's a man on a mission.

So?

Bella responded.

So?

Tony's now chairman, which means I'm the new MD of Steel's Pots and Pens.

What?

You what?

Jess Martin.

Wow.

Yeah, precisely.

All together now.

Bella screamed and immediately pulled down the French bloomers.

French bloomer, aren't they?

Like big, kind of bloomy shorts?

Yeah, they're Regency period.

Yes, aren't they?

They're sort of gathered.

Yeah, they're like a kind of like frilly, old school,

voluminous pedal pusher.

Fucking massive.

Why has she gone from a thong to like a massive French bloomer?

And when she was bent over, I was worried that she'd be revealing all, but she's not revealing a goddamn thing, is she?

No, exactly.

I mean, it'll take a week to wash them, that's why.

Through the old mangle.

So, wow.

As she pulled down her French bloomers.

Good for you.

Now give me a fat cock.

Oh.

Bella climbed up onto the new wooden desk with carved mermaid legs.

She's done a right overhaul of this office.

She's so marathon.

Yeah, why is it so navel?

Rolling onto her backbone, she pulled her legs behind her ear

lobes.

Yeah, lobes.

That's right.

She proffered Des her open vagina like the dessert trolley to Toby Carvery.

So we'll say Toby Carvery, but we won't say BBC.

For those who don't know, a Toby Carvery is like

a buffet, isn't it?

And all you're can get like a full Sunday roast.

Well, you could pre-pandemic.

Will that come back?

Who knows?

Oh, that's true.

That's true.

One of the great losses.

Have you ever been?

I actually haven't.

That was really harsh.

I actually haven't been.

No, no, no good Yorkshire puddings.

Oh, okay.

Good Yorkshire puddings.

And people always rave that you can have all of the meats.

I mean, I don't eat meat, but like all of the meats.

It's basically a British flunch, really.

It's very much.

Yeah, it's a flunch.

Yeah.

They probably had to change the name for legal reasons.

So she's.

So she opened her vagina like the dessert trolley at Toby College.

Is it a trolley, a dessert trolley?

Yeah, there is a trolley.

I can't remember if it's a cabinet or a trolley.

Does it remind you of vagina or a groll?

It doesn't really have the opening mechanism of a vagina.

Anything reminds us.

Please see the first five books.

And boy, was she going to have all the meat she could eat.

Well, there you go, you see, because you can have the pork, the chicken, the beef, you can have it all.

Yeah, but we were talking about the dessert trolley.

So

what meaty desserts is she eating?

Mincey trifle.

Is it very medieval?

I don't know.

Oh, yeah, because they did combine, didn't they?

Oh, it could be, I suppose it could be like a Keston Blumenthal meat fruit.

Yes.

No relation, of course.

Des Martin took his blood-filled joint in both hands.

His blood-filled joint?

Watt?

It's been jointed.

Crikey.

Des Martin took his blood-filled joint in both hands.

Well, one hand and two fingers.

And guided...

That's weirdly, incredibly explicit.

Yeah.

One hand and two fingers.

The two fingers really,

that really brings it to life, doesn't it?

Yeah.

So to speak.

His blood-filled joint in both hands, well, one hand and two fingers, and guided himself into Bella's very own muffin mould with ease and triumph.

So wait, he's shagging the muffin mould.

She was so warm and slippery.

Des was reminded of a creme brulee that had been left to cool for three to five minutes.

Don't ever let Des near the dessert trolley.

Seriously, what's he putting where?

Oh my god, can you imagine him cracking through that sugary top?

As his flappy foreskin rolled up and down his sensitive glands, his liquid affection was trickling loose.

Oh my.

Liquid affection is incredible.

I'm covered in your liquid affection.

Can I say it's odd that this is the most reassuring bit of the chapter so far?

It feels like we're on very kind of familiar ground.

Anchored to something.

Having sex, back at Steele's pots and pans.

It's nice.

Nice to be home.

And I say that.

Knowing how damaged you are.

He left her pleasure dome and aimed his super soaker over Bella's belly.

There's some

kind of childhood references in here that's quite upsetting.

I mean, I used to love a little Super Soaker spice.

Super soaker, yeah.

How does he know what a super soaker is?

The essence of MD flowed all over her like runny cement.

Essence of MD.

So there's no essence of RSM left in him.

It's gone straight to MD.

He's fully MD.

Somehow.

Do you know what's a real kick in the old balls is that Des got it over any of the RSMs.

I think I would have given it to

Paddy, yeah.

No, Paddy's too much fun.

He wouldn't take it seriously.

I think Ken Jewsbury.

No.

Ken Jewsbury, you know, gets on with the job, you know, good salt of the earth.

It's quite old school, Ken Jewsbury, though, he's true.

This is the future of steals.

Do you want some...

I mean, I don't even know if Paddy's young blood or not.

I just want to

cut off his juice.

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Bella squealed in delight.

The new job had just got unbelievably better.

Well she could do that before, couldn't she?

Yeah, I was gonna say, literally nothing has changed.

As the hot air balloon sailed

exhausted.

Look, I've been on the hot air balloon for two days.

As the hot air balloon sailed to the whims of wind.

That's quite good.

How long has this hot air balloon been in the balloon?

It's easily pleased these days.

As the hot air balloons sailed to the whims of wind, Belinda felt like Richard Branson, but she was no virgin.

I don't think Richard Branson was a virgin.

That's not why he called his company virgin.

Is it not?

Because he was a virgin.

I don't know.

He's like 60.

Yeah, but he wasn't when he set it up, was he?

No, that can't be why.

He would be like, What should I call my company?

Well, I'm a virgin.

What am I?

A virgin, that's the virgin.

It's very bold to put it out there.

Because he did love a hot air balloon, didn't he, in the 90s?

Well, he's done everything, hasn't he?

He was always up in one.

Let's have a look.

Has he ever ventured into pots and pans?

Is that one area he's never done?

I don't know.

Did the Virgin Megastore have pots and pens?

Judge Megastor.

I forgot about the Virgin Megastore.

I mean, I've said, was Richard.

I've written, was Richard Branson a virgin when he set up Virgin?

And weirdly, there's not actually any articles on that.

They're all just about what a successful billionaire he is.

Maybe he called it Virgin because it was his first company.

Yeah, I was going to say, I think we can pretty safely say he didn't call it Virgin.

Wait, how old was he when he set it up?

To be fair, he did set up his first business venture at 16.

So he was pretty young.

But even if he was a virgin when he called it Virgin, I don't think it's because he was a virgin.

Yeah, okay, fine.

He's 70 now.

He's definitely not not a virgin now.

He's got kids, hasn't he?

He's not a virgin now.

So she was no virgin.

And we know this at Belinda.

Her not eating had turned out to be an astute move, as the local Bish caterers had gotten their sell-by dates wrong.

It was obvious the two miscreants were slowly succumbing to the most painful of food poisoning, if not debatable death.

Wow, saved by the sandwiches.

So

Bish had hired some caterers to

stock his getaway balloon.

And and so how often do they replenish it in case it's the day for the getaway clearly not enough well no no they might replenish it enough but they've got the labels wrong oh right so yeah so that's just an admin error but so it didn't sound catered it just sounded like it was a load of ham and cheese it's a catered affair lovely Belinda inched herself slowly across to the gas bottle where the balloon's controls were situated behind the shitting George.

She cast her mind back to Hunter Rue,

the chap she'd once fucked in the Bahamas, who not only taught her the virtues of a well-lubricated bodyboard, but also took her hot air ballooning.

Oh, Hunter.

Wow, he sounds like a romantic

hotty.

Flying it was a fairly simple arrangement.

Fire the gas to go up and don't to go down.

I'd love to know a bit more about the going down.

Can I just say, it's so funny, like a lot of her, like, previous, like, boyfriends taught us.

Didn't one of them teach her how to caravan?

Caravanning, yeah.

One of them taught her how to hot air balloon.

She's very cult, she's a Renaissance woman, really, Belinda.

Yeah, I feel like she's used her dalliances to her advantage, hasn't she?

She just lives a great life, really.

I mean, not this sounds awful, but yeah.

Um, so you fire the gas to go up and you don't to go down.

So she didn't.

Belinda was going down, so she switched off the gas supply.

Yes.

Well, I'm surprised there's any left after three days.

Belinda searched the now too unconscious future jailbirds and deprived them of their knives, cell phones and dignity.

Stripping them both to their bare skins, she threw overboard their blood-soaked spooner garments.

Unnecessary.

Would you do that?

Maybe out of respect?

I don't know.

Respect?

For them.

Oh, the spooner.

I was like, okay.

Belinda had expected George's penis to be the identical twin of Tony's, but brothers didn't wash that way because George was big.

No, huge.

Weight, massive in the trunk department.

It had to explain his evil confidence.

So, what we're supposed to assume if you ever meet anybody who's got bad energy or they're kind of evil, massive schlong.

Well, Belinda had lived long enough to know that the bigger the cock, the bigger the cock.

Oh, very nice.

Little rule of thumb for you there.

Bigger the cock, the bigger the cock.

On the other tit, she pitied the skeletal sack of Bish.

Yeah.

Oh, can you imagine?

Just like hunched, probably covered in, what is it?

Chundisput.

Foam.

He looked like Gollum of the Shire without his nice smile.

Nice smile?

Oh, I guess when Gollum's nice, when he's smeagled, he's got quite a nice smile.

I think I think it's quite menacing.

Smile, it's quite, yeah, creepy, I'd say.

Scary.

Bish is definitely giving golem vibes.

Dobby from Harry Potter.

Yeah.

Who else?

Any goblins, really?

Any goblins.

Any goblins.

Have you seen gremlins or gremlin-y?

Belinda gazed at the matching tattoo on his human rind and began to weep water.

What could it ever mean?

But what did it mean when she got it?

Because she didn't just go do whatever you want, did she?

Oh, well, I'll have page four, whatever's on there.

Unless Bish had been to the same tattoo parlour and they took a picture and it was on the water.

She was like, oh, that's nice.

I'll have that.

The three B's, yeah, lovely.

What could it ever mean?

She demanded to know, but she was just as stumped as herself.

She pointed her beautiful signet ring at it and snapped a photo.

Shut up.

She's got a signet ring with a camera in.

I used to have a ring with a watch on it.

Oh, yeah.

Remember that?

What?

It had a kind of.

It was a watch, but it was a ring.

I've never heard of that.

It was a very small face.

Very small face.

Yeah, it's part of the spot.

But young eyes.

Mood rings.

Do you ever have a mood ring?

I wanted them.

After I saw my girl, I wanted a mood ring so bad.

I had one.

I was perpetually sad.

Like, every time I liked it, it it was like dark black dark black is that thing um yeah I was always miserable you had a mood ring I mean for a brief period oh my god that's a that's a look isn't it's old I once had a braid you know those like colourful braids you can get on holiday I do I had one of those once that's appropriation I had a yin-yang uh necklace oh my god yin yang and braids well You could be cancelled, James.

No, but they were all like the things you bought, all like the tap you bought on holiday at that time.

Wow, now it's tap.

Um, how quickly he turns.

Look at that.

Where did you go on holiday to, though?

Like Dorset?

No, like Tenery from like Greek islands and things like that.

And they had all these like touristy.

I mean, again, it's I mean, it's a bit like Jamie's revelations.

You were jet-setting at a young age, weren't you?

Oh, we used to go to all the um

for some reason, I was like 10.

Our parents would take us to like the party cities in like so Cyprus, we went to Ayanapa, Corfu, we went to Cavos.

Does your mum love a rave?

No.

And she complained about how noisy the hotel sounds.

I was like, Mum, we're literally in the like party tower.

Oh god, it was awful, awful holidays.

But they always insisted where else do we go?

But lovely jewelry, and that's what's important, I think, for now.

Yeah, so she pointed a ring at this and snapped a photo.

As the negative printed from the band of gold look metal, she pushed the gas lever to fire and jumped out of the balloon basket.

Belinda blinked.

And that's the end of the chapter.

Jesus, so she threw the clothes overboard.

She set the balloon off up into the sky and she's jumped out.

God knows how high up she is.

Well, she made it go down, if you remember.

No, no, she didn't, because you can't.

The only thing you can do is.

Because she switched off the gas to make it go down a bit.

No, you can't.

If you fur back, you can't make it go down.

You can only make it go up.

Right, okay.

So she just jumped to her death.

But what are you suggesting?

She took it right to the ground, like what?

Six feet's probably as safe as you can be

to jump out.

And then she sets it straight back off in the air again.

How?

Because you have to be in it.

Yeah, it's not a car.

It's not like...

Yeah, I mean, I don't know.

I've never been holidaying with Hunter Roo, so I wouldn't know.

So a lot of promotions.

A lot of things within the company structure at Steels.

Yeah, absolutely.

Belinda's now free of bish if she hasn't broken her legs.

So that's good.

But we don't know if they're dead.

No, but they're very ill and naked.

And she's taken a picture of the tattoo, so she's clearly wanting answers there.

She's got it on the table.

Yeah, she doesn't need the picture, of course, because she has it.

They're identical tattoos.

So that was a waste of time.

And who gave her the ring?

We presumed the spooner.

That may never be answered, Alice.

I wouldn't worry too much about that.

Well, well, well, well.

Here we are.

What's it like to be back, guys?

Regretting it, yeah?

Confusing.

It's hard to know where we're going to go from here, like where the story's going to take us now.

So Belinda's still in Australia, presumed dead.

Well, actually, the balloon's been in the air for nearly three days, so where could we have got to?

Yeah, I bet he thinks we're flying.

I bet we're somewhere in Europe, as far as rockets are concerned.

He thinks that a balloon travels at the same speed as an aeroplane, doesn't he?

She's going to drop down and land in the chimney of the safe house, and just

and somebody's going to be like, What's the racket?

And she'll be like, Hi, guys.

I'm back.

So, come back next week because we will be reading chapter two.

Do you want to know the title?

We used to do that, didn't we?

Yeah, share the title.

Yeah, give us the title.

A little preview.

Chapter two is called The Flying Doctor.

Oh.

Oh.

No idea what that's about.

Do we know any doctor?

Oh, Dr.

Robins?

Robbins, yeah.

Dr.

Studd.

Oh, yeah, Dr.

Studd.

Oh, now he's interesting.

Oh.

So, yes, go back next Monday.

Porno Day is back once more.

Yes, and I don't think we've said this before, but you can follow or subscribe to us wherever you listen to your podcast so you never miss an episode.

You'll get an alert as soon as it's out.

Yeah, and it helps us out, and you can write a little review.

For some reason, we only accept five-star ones.

Oh, yeah, yeah, you can only click the five-star button.

So, unfortunately, that's the only function available.

But, yeah, we never ask for that.

So, thank you if you take the time to do that.

Absolutely.

You can find us on social media as well.

It's at dadrotaporno on Twitter.

It's my dadrota on Instagram.

And it's some variation of that on the other ones.

You can email us to at mydadrotaporno at gmail.com.

We should probably mention as well the tour.

Oh, yes, of course.

Oh, yeah, the long postponed tour.

I mean, Belinda will be 45 by the time we get back on the road.

But yes, we are coming back.

Do not worry.

Yes, we've pushed the tour into 2022 and we're keeping everything crossed that it'll be okay.

A lot of dates have sold out, but there are some tickets still available.

So if you just go to the website, my dadritaporno.com forward slash live.

And also, people might not be able to make the new date, so there probably will be tickets in most places.

So do please check in your area.

And she'll be like one of those basics, won't you, where she's like, still 30 or still 21.

And I hope you've had a good listening party.

However you've been doing it.

Yes.

We're back in the groove now.

I know.

This is fun.

Send us your listening party pictures or what you've been up to.

We'd love to see it.

So see you.

Next.

They...

Gross.

Porno's back, basically.

Sorry, that'll be the cookies.

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