My Dad Wrote A Christmas Porno 5 - Part Two

Speaker 1 There's the part of me that everyone sees.

Speaker 2 I'm Howie Mandel the comedian. Apparently, I know what funny is.

Speaker 5 Funny bought me a house, but I also know what isn't funny.

Speaker 7 OCD.

Speaker 9 I've lived with OCD my entire life and people throw the term around like it's no big deal.

Speaker 7 But OCD is severe, often debilitating.

Speaker 12 It's a mental health condition that involves unrelented, unwanted thoughts that can make you question your character, your beliefs, even your safety.

Speaker 15 General therapy can help with some things, but for OCD, it can actually make things worse.

Speaker 18 That's why I want to tell you about No C D.

Speaker 10 No C D is the world's largest treatment provider for OCD and is covered by insurance for over 155 million Americans.

Speaker 20 Their licensed therapists specialize in ERP, the most effective treatment for OCD.

Speaker 1 If you think you might be struggling with OCD, go to nocd.com to book a free 15-minute call.

Speaker 20 They are here to help.

Speaker 21 The following podcast contains adult themes, sexual content, and strong language. Basically, all the good stuff.

Speaker 21 One, two, three.

Speaker 21 On the second day of Christmas.

Speaker 21 It's been so good to me. A second Christmas special that nobody really needs.
That was better in rehearsal.

Speaker 21 Great idea, Alice. Oh yeah, so we're back.
I thought I sounded perfect.

Speaker 21 Yes, welcome to part two of the My Dad Rotoporno Christmas special, where we will be concluding It's a Blinkin' Life.

Speaker 21 It goes without saying if you haven't heard the first half, it's not essential to listen to that first because it's a load of shit.

Speaker 21 It would be depressing though if people chose not to listen this year, given they've got nothing else to do.

Speaker 21 That's like somebody saying, you know, at the moment we're doing a lot of like walk and talks or like exercising with each other outside.

Speaker 21 You know, when someone's like, oh, I can't, it's like, but you can. Yeah.
So the idea that you're choosing. They're self-isolating, Alice.
I got pinged by the app. Sorry, I can't see you.

Speaker 21 Is that your excuse?

Speaker 21 When I have to say goodbye to my mum on the phone now, I'm like, okay, well, I've got to go. And she's like, no, you don't.

Speaker 21 Where are you going?

Speaker 21 The last time she went, you don't have to, you're choosing to. I was like, all right.

Speaker 21 They've got another Zoom to go to. Yeah, Zooms.
So many Zooms. So many Zooms.
If I do another another Zoom quiz. Are you still doing them? No, to be fair, the last time I did one was in lockdown one.

Speaker 21 I never did them. I missed that whole phenomenon.
I would often leave them. Oh, thanks for inviting me to one.
I was going to say I've never invited you. The only one that I did was one of you two.

Speaker 21 Oh, yeah, we did one as well, didn't we? Yeah, but that was that was a porno one. But you're running weekly quizzes that we're not invited to.

Speaker 21 Not anymore, you missed them, sorry. Who were these with? Yeah, quite.
Random different people, friends. Not random.
I've got a lot of friends, guys.

Speaker 21 So wait, they were with random people and we still weren't invited. So you were pulling people, we presume, off the big Zoom directory to do them.

Speaker 21 Yeah, I was just finding odd links and just being like, want to play?

Speaker 21 But the thing is, when did anyone like quizzes before? I used to love a pub quiz. Yeah, me too.
That's the pub bit. You liked that public quiz.
I like having a drink with my friends, yeah.

Speaker 21 Mine got quite sophisticated. I started doing like PowerPoint presentations.
You should have been there, guys.

Speaker 21 PowerPoint presentations. It's like a whole other world.

Speaker 21 My dad did a very accessible round, which was named the artwork, the gallery it hangs in, and the artist.

Speaker 21 Classic. And he was like, no, you fools.
It's the Louvre. Okay, next.
Google it.

Speaker 21 Speaking of like lockdown-y COVID life, has everyone else been like having a bit of a clear-out this year and just rethinking? I have because you're just in the same four walls.

Speaker 21 Yeah, because I feel like at the beginning of all of this madness, I got rid of a lot of stuff that now I'm like, I did actually need that, but I was just so bored of looking at it. I needed my oven.

Speaker 21 So my mum like called me in the summer and she was like, get all she basically wants me out of her house completely She wants any memories out of the house

Speaker 21 She's changed

Speaker 21 Yeah, you used to be the absolute golden child. Oh, that's long gone.
So she was like yeah, there's loads of crap in the loft of yours Come and clear it out.

Speaker 21 I want I want it out, but I found something that is so lol I thought I had to share it with you. Oh right bit of context.

Speaker 21 Do you remember on like a really random footnotes ages ago, I talked that I did drug abuse resistant education at school, Dare. Oh, yes, yes.
Yeah, didn't you like write a song or something?

Speaker 21 I wrote wrote a song, a rap. I've found the lyrics.
Oh, my God. Oh, brilliant.
Okay, now that's it. Merry Christmas, everyone.
I've found the lyrics. Let me get them out.
Oh, wow. It's typed.

Speaker 21 It's simply called Dare Song. I'm just going to read it you bit by bit.
Maybe we can do the same format as I. I don't know.
My dad wrote up porno, where I read a bit, you give me your thoughts.

Speaker 21 Are you going to do it to the rhythm? I think you should do it as a performance piece, really. I don't know what the rhythm was, but I'll give it a try.
Just go for it.

Speaker 21 Oh, sorry, just for context, what was the brief for the song? There wasn't a brief. No one asked me to do this.

Speaker 21 But this is a.

Speaker 21 But But this is about drugs.

Speaker 21 This is about drugs.

Speaker 21 At school.

Speaker 21 No one asked me to do this.

Speaker 21 Story of James's Life. Okay.

Speaker 21 For 17 weeks, we've been learning about drugs. 17 weeks?

Speaker 21 That classic period of time.

Speaker 21 For 17 weeks, we've been learning about drugs and what they can do to you. Assertiveness alternatives and drug abuse too are all in the lessons by the Dare Crew.
What an unusual rhythm.

Speaker 21 It's not iambic pentameter, is it? Drug, abuse, resistance, education, cannabis, speed, and the smoking population.

Speaker 21 Hang on, smoking population. Are they drug users now? Yeah, drug users.

Speaker 21 No, they did always say that was a gateway, didn't they? Oh, it's a gateway drug, of course. Yeah, tobacco is a gateway drug.

Speaker 21 So, cannabis, speed, and the smoking population do not know what's right, but do know what's wrong. And that is the reason we're wrapping this song.
You don't wrap a song, do you? There's no weir.

Speaker 21 It's you on your own.

Speaker 21 Who's the weir? Like, I could rope any other. So did the curtains part and then the gospel choir come out? Like exactly right.
I'll see you.

Speaker 21 We've come to tell you one and all one little important thing. So that's the verse.
And this is the chorus. Okay.
That drugs are wrong and drugs are right.

Speaker 21 It's a very

Speaker 21 confusing message.

Speaker 21 So wait 17 weeks and you still don't know. Dare cannot endorse this message, I'm afraid.
Some people take them to sleep at night. So like, I think I meant like a night nurse or something like that.

Speaker 21 Why are you putting that caveat in? Why do you need to clarify that? I don't know. Some people take them to cure their sickness, and some people take them for the heck of it.

Speaker 21 This is the chorus. The little fuckers.
So, we're just losing the rhythm of that. So, say, just read this chorus bit again, sorry.
Because it's an anthem, so think big, you're in a stadium.

Speaker 21 We should all join in. That drugs are wrong, and drugs are right.
Some people take them to sleep at night, some people take them to cure their sickness, and some people take them for the heck of it.

Speaker 21 We're wrapping this song, it won't take, it won't take long, and it's already taken. It's taking fast too long,

Speaker 21 It's taken 17 weeks, it feels like. But we have a question.
Are drugs right or wrong? I feel like I answered that at the start of the chorus. Well, no, what's it wrong and right?

Speaker 21 I think this is my favourite song in the world.

Speaker 21 And then it just says, I just want you to know one little important thing, and then we go back to the chorus. That drugs are wrong and drugs are right.
Some people take the sleep at night.

Speaker 21 I want you to know one little thing. Drugs are wrong, drugs are right.
You aren't telling us anything. Why are you still on the fence?

Speaker 21 And then it's chorus twice. Wow, it's powerful.
It's powerful. It's like Stan, isn't it, by Eminem? It's one of of those songs that's going to.
James, that was absolutely incredible. Thank you.

Speaker 21 Isn't it absolute nonsense?

Speaker 21 So, can I just say, I was 10 when I wrote that? Sure. Okay, 10.
10. That is the work of a 10-year-old.
I know what you're thinking. That's a professional.

Speaker 21 He's 10, so he's got two years of Santa left when he wrote that.

Speaker 21 Just to really put it in context, God. All I would say is that you have a lot of cheek mocking my dad.

Speaker 21 I mean, he was 10, Jamie.

Speaker 21 Probably nearly 70.

Speaker 21 60, 10. Yeah.
So from one great writer to another, shall we pick up where we left off? What an embarrassment of riches today.

Speaker 21 You really are the true son of Fox, I have to say. It's not me at all.
So, Belinda's in this hospital, and Dr. Studd's just switched off Bella's machine boat.
So, Bella's dead without telling you.

Speaker 21 I just did it. Okay, ready? Okay.
Belinda blinked.

Speaker 21 It's a blink in life, part two.

Speaker 21 And screamed.

Speaker 21 So

Speaker 21 hang on, you had the chance to see me.

Speaker 21 I might have prematurely ended the chapter. Okay, so it was Belinda blinked and screamed.
Okay.

Speaker 21 Save her, James Spooner. As you, an angel of all people, she can't die.
She's my bestie. Aww, it's a bit late, isn't it? And Belinda wants to die, so if she died, then we'd be together forever.

Speaker 21 But Belinda, Spoons replied patiently, you didn't want to be be alive. You didn't want your life.
And this is what happens if you'd never been around for Bella, your bestie.

Speaker 21 But she wasn't like stood by the life machine

Speaker 21 machine, like with a hand over the switch. Spoons shut up.

Speaker 21 Point made.

Speaker 21 And what of the Duchess, please?

Speaker 21 Pray the Norse gods, she is still fifty, frisky, and fabulous. Belinda asked.
And the rest, yeah.

Speaker 21 Fifty.

Speaker 21 You have to see it with your own eyes and ears. Well, yeah, because that's sort of the structure of this chapter, isn't it? Also, you don't see with your ears, but less said about that, the better.

Speaker 21 With an X-Master jingle, the liar zoomed into a puff once more.

Speaker 21 It's all gone, and I know people make these comparisons quite a lot because they're obviously both such well-constructed worlds, but it's very broomstick. It's very Harry Potter, isn't it?

Speaker 21 So Bella's dead. There's no like twist there.
They've gone. No, yeah, Bella's gone.
Because Belinda wasn't there to save her. So she died.

Speaker 21 But also, no stakes whatsoever, because this is essentially a dream sequence. Yeah, yeah, yeah, you're right.
Broomsticks, though, kind of reminds me as well of bed knobs and broomsticks.

Speaker 21 You ever see that as a kid? Yeah, it's spooky. But had kind of weird, multicoloured, like smoke in that as well when they were moving into different worlds.

Speaker 21 Isn't there a line in that as well where the child goes, What about my knob? Yes.

Speaker 21 What about my knob? Yeah, it's a question. There's probably a line in this book as well.
What about my knob?

Speaker 21 So, with an X-Master jingle, the liar zoomed into a puff once more.

Speaker 21 In time, it cleared like the toilet after a big Christmas shit.

Speaker 21 London Linda. Porn.
Supposed to be porn. A big Christmas shit.
This will probably be the 30th time we've talked about it, but you have a big Christmas puke, don't you?

Speaker 21 I do normally have a big Christmas puke and a big Christmas shishu, if I'm totally honest. And let me tell you, they don't clear easily.

Speaker 21 James.

Speaker 21 How is your heart throb? It's just disgusting. He's the one that's lusted after.
I say you have a big Christmas puke, but not like a sort of like Roman vomitorium thing.

Speaker 21 You just can't keep it down, can you? You just go overboard. Well, I just fill myself until I can feel it in my throat.
Can we? Okay, I don't even know why I brought it up. Yeah, fine.
Let's move on.

Speaker 21 So anyway,

Speaker 21 the puff has cleared.

Speaker 21 That's all we need to know.

Speaker 21 The snowy suburban street was lifeless and monotonous.

Speaker 21 This is an Epsom Hall. I said the Duchess, you deaf, wingless bat out of heaven, Belinda demanded of her friend Angel.
She doesn't work in customer services, does she?

Speaker 21 Well, sadly, the Duchess has had quite the fall from Greece, Spoons replied. Poppycock, Belinda rebuked.
I'm afraid it's true. Because you weren't there, the Bish plot was successful.

Speaker 21 We were the international laughing stock of crockery, and the Duchess was fired from the MI6. But all of this just wouldn't have happened, would it?

Speaker 21 In this world, the acquisition happened like five years ago.

Speaker 21 But Rocky doesn't really think like that, does he? He's just gone,

Speaker 21 what can I make happen? It's a bit worse than what it was before. He's not going to have unpicked it in that way.
He's just gone, like, Bish won.

Speaker 21 Also, he didn't win because, like, in the normal narrative, Bish's plan is to destroy Steele's pots and pans. This just sounds like the standard acquisition of a company that would have to be.

Speaker 21 It's not even a hostile takeover, it's just a takeover.

Speaker 21 Like, like so the duchess has lost a job at mi6 because bish acquired steel's pots and pans well they were an international laughing stock of crockery so that makes sense i mean that wouldn't be nice would it it would be awful to go to crockery conferences and be the laughing stock but again

Speaker 21 did that really all pivot on belinda if it all hinges on one employee to keep the whole thing afloat

Speaker 21 yeah the head of mi6 expired because of belinda blumenthal in a fucking pots and pans company i just feel like it's not sustainable yeah and wasn't Belinda generally oblivious anyway to what was going on?

Speaker 21 So

Speaker 21 didn't really do anything in the real world. So couldn't really have changed anything in this world.

Speaker 21 So just so I understand, MI6

Speaker 21 steals Bish.

Speaker 21 Also, the life so far of one woman, one employee, dear personal friend, that's all down to Belinda.

Speaker 21 God, we've underestimated her.

Speaker 21 To be fair, there are bits in It's Wonderful Life where like George saves his brother as like a kid and then when he's older, his brother saves like a whole boatload of people in the war.

Speaker 21 It's the sort of butterfly effect. Exactly, so I guess dad's just trying to kind of ramp it up.
That idea of, yeah, lives have consequences, Alice. They really do.

Speaker 21 And I suppose I've always just, you know, skipped through mine, not realizing what an impact I've had on everyone. Wow.
Who would be dead if you hadn't have lived? That's the question, Alice.

Speaker 21 I mean, you two would live measly lives.

Speaker 21 Seriously, you wouldn't be living in this house, Jamie. I was going to say, I wouldn't.
Can I just say, though, this world sounds way better than the normal world. Bella's dead.

Speaker 21 Normal business is happening. And there isn't some nutty aristocrat in charge of MI6.

Speaker 21 That's true. Yeah, how do we stay in the Christmas special?

Speaker 21 So the Duchess was fired from MI6.

Speaker 21 Fiction!

Speaker 21 Fact.

Speaker 21 Fiction.

Speaker 21 And barely.

Speaker 21 The scandal rocked the aristocracy, and grand old Duke Clarence divorced her ass. God, she's really gone to her lowest point, hasn't she? The hagfish! It's not a thing.

Speaker 21 Is there such a thing as a hagfish?

Speaker 21 May I? I'm just going to guess.

Speaker 21 Watch it be Dutch for something. The hagfish.
Oh my god, it is a real thing. Oh, my God, it looks like an eel or like a...

Speaker 21 Show me? It looks like a tapeworm. Oh, it looks like a term.
It's like an intestine. What size is it?

Speaker 21 Can be between 30 to 89 centimetres. Christ! That is long, isn't it?

Speaker 21 It's a slime-producing marine fish. They're the only known living animals that have a skull but no vertebral column.

Speaker 21 That's genuinely gross. He is a hagfish.
You're queer hagfish.

Speaker 21 Sorry, you're queen hagfish.

Speaker 21 Merry Christmas, you hagfish.

Speaker 21 You filthy hagfish.

Speaker 21 You slimy hagfish.

Speaker 21 What is it? You've got a skull but no brain. What was it? A skull but no spine.

Speaker 21 Oh my god, I've never met two human embodiments of magfish more accurate than you do.

Speaker 22 It's that time of year again, back to school season.

Speaker 22 And Instacart knows that the only thing harder than getting back into the swing of things is getting all the back-to-school supplies, snacks, and essentials you need.

Speaker 22 So here's your reminder to make your life a little easier this season.

Speaker 22 Shop favorites from Staples, Best Buy, and Costco all delivered through Instacart so that you can get some time back and do whatever it is that you need to get your life back on track.

Speaker 22 Instacart, we're here.

Speaker 1 There's the part of me that everyone sees.

Speaker 2 I'm Howie Mandel, the comedian.

Speaker 3 Apparently, I know what funny is.

Speaker 5 Funny bought me a house, but I also know what isn't funny, OCD.

Speaker 9 I've lived with OCD my entire life and people throw the term around like it's no big deal.

Speaker 7 But OCD is severe, often debilitating.

Speaker 12 It's a mental health condition that involves unrelented, unwanted thoughts that can make you question your character, your beliefs, even your safety.

Speaker 15 General therapy can help with some things, but for OCD, it can actually make things worse.

Speaker 18 That's why I want to tell you about No C D.

Speaker 10 No C D is the world's largest treatment provider for OCD and is covered by insurance for over 155 million Americans.

Speaker 20 Their licensed therapists specialize in ERP, the most effective treatment for OCD.

Speaker 1 If you think you might be struggling with OCD, go to nocd.com to book a free 15 minute call they are here to help

Speaker 21 the hagfish

Speaker 21 she was stripped of her

Speaker 21 sorry it's actually quite an accurate way to describe someone as an in a derogatory term then isn't it I'm using it I'm having it slimy

Speaker 21 she was stripped of her title and forced to wander the streets. Why was she street? Why was she stripped of her title? Because she got divorced, I think.
You still have it, don't you?

Speaker 21 Yeah, well, Princess Diana still got her. Oh, no, did she? Yeah, she was still Princess of Wales, wasn't it? Princess Fergie was still something, wasn't she? Duchess of York? Sure.

Speaker 21 Clearly, embarrassing pots and pans is worse than getting your toes sucked by some random person. Have you been watching The Crown, by the way? Oh, yeah.

Speaker 21 Maggie Dutch Dennis. I could have done that wrong.
Oh, do you not like it? Yeah, I just love. I love doing Margaret Thatcher impressions.
She doesn't move her mouth very much, does she, Jillian?

Speaker 21 Because when she's doing that one, The Fall, she's like, we must get the blousers back.

Speaker 21 I'm really worried about doing The Duchess's voice now because all I'm going to hear is Gillian Anderson being Thatcher because it's basically the same voice, isn't it?

Speaker 21 The medicine may be harsh, but the country needs to be.

Speaker 21 Yeah, it's very you actually. Do you think she heard the Duchess? Oh, definitely.
Gillian loves the show, doesn't she? So absolutely. That's probably libelist, but yeah.

Speaker 21 By virtue of their privilege, they lack grit. That's more Prince Charles.

Speaker 21 The wig is doing a lot of the work. That wig is massive.
It gets bigger and bigger. It's huge.

Speaker 21 What's up? Episode 5. It was like twice the size of a break.
You know, sometimes when Jamie jumps on a Zoom call and he's clearly just woken up and he's trying to style it out, yours is...

Speaker 21 Yeah, it's a Maggie Thatcher hair.

Speaker 21 Similar size.

Speaker 21 So she was forced to walk the streets. I just don't buy this.
I should have said that at the beginning.

Speaker 21 Impossible. Belinda trembled as she and Spoons peered through the lace net curtains of number 69 of the street.
Of course, it was 69. There was the Duchess.
Oh, she's.

Speaker 21 Wait, just from the net curtains, is she just going to be standard old lady? Living in suburbia. Living in suburbia.
She's not got the trimmings, has she, of the higher life anymore?

Speaker 21 There was the Duchess, drunk and alone in an orange living room. Orange.

Speaker 21 No, it's really got bad. New choice.
And you've just painted your. Oh my god, I'm not.
Is it lime green? It's come out lime green. It wasn't supposed to.
I'd actually prefer orange. The TV set was on.

Speaker 21 A show about gossip disguised as culture.

Speaker 21 Loose women.

Speaker 21 Byrne was seducing the former lady. A show about gossip disguised as culture.
I mean, that's literally every TV show now.

Speaker 21 Gloria Hunterford wanging on. She was lifeless, like a brain-dead Barbie in sweating clothes.
She's just in her joggers. I mean, that's been me all year, so I'm like, doesn't sound so bad.

Speaker 21 Drunk in her joggers. That's, yeah, that's 2020.
I'm watching brain-dead TV. TV and watching loose women.
And James is like a Kendall, so. Welcome to my mate.

Speaker 21 Oh, it's rotting her brain, poor thing, Belinda said. Well, she doesn't need a brain with her new husband, Buster Broomfinger.
He's quite the twat. Not known to Broomfinger.
He's quite the twat.

Speaker 21 It sounds like it with a name like Buster Broomfinger. What a twat.

Speaker 21 Belinda turns to Spooner, disgusted at her learnings.

Speaker 21 Spoons,

Speaker 21 answer me one thing and don't you dare lie?

Speaker 21 Spoons nodded his sultry nod.

Speaker 21 What a sexy bastard. This

Speaker 21 marriage you speak of, is it

Speaker 21 is it sexless? I'm afraid so.

Speaker 21 Belinda screamed. It's a nightmare

Speaker 21 Is it sexless? I'm afraid, sure.

Speaker 21 No!

Speaker 21 Rocky's writing himself out of a job here. Like, if there's no sex, what do we have?

Speaker 21 Also, he's telling us that that's kind of his idea of a worst-case scenario, which means he's having a lot of sex marriage.

Speaker 21 Well, I'm just saying, like, he wouldn't write it, would he, if that was his situation?

Speaker 21 No!

Speaker 21 Jamie screamed with Belinda. I'm happy for him, though.
Yeah. That's great.
Belinda. I think you are too, Jamie.
Oh, over the moon. Lockdown life.
Fucking move. Yeah.
Literally. Nothing else.

Speaker 21 Belinda screamed as she fell to the cracked tarmac of the unmaintained road, which clearly pointed to this part of town not being a priority for the council.

Speaker 21 Well, and Rocky knows about stuff when it comes to property and like the right areas of town and things like that.

Speaker 21 And he knows about council tax and

Speaker 21 how local authorities are spending their budget. So actually, although very boring, probably very accurate.
The tears filling her eyes froze as they slipped down her cheeks.

Speaker 21 Unlikely, I mean, I know it's cold,

Speaker 21 it's a bad neighbourhood, it's the Arctic. Each one becoming a unique snowflake, for all are different, and none on this endangered planet is the same.

Speaker 21 Little climate changer remark in there. Thank you, Rocky Attenborough.

Speaker 21 Not sure that's how snowflakes are formed, though. From the eyes of sad women, from the eyes of dead ghosts.
I need need to save her. Her smoky breath breathed.

Speaker 21 And Belinda marched up to the door and knocked it once. What kicked it down? Knock it one.

Speaker 21 The Duchess opened it.

Speaker 21 Oh, here we go. Get ready for Thatcher.

Speaker 21 Whence is that goodly fragrance flowing? Oh, it's nice to have her back, isn't it? She said. Sorry, Male

Speaker 21 Old Lady, Belinda stuttered. You say, sorry, old lady.

Speaker 21 Even if you're correcting yourself from my lady. Sorry, hagfish.

Speaker 21 The traditional French go. Sorry? I don't know any of the things that she said so far.
Say that first line again. Whence is that goodly fragrance flowing? From where is that nice smell coming from?

Speaker 21 From the woman in front of the colour. It's in capitals.

Speaker 21 Oh,

Speaker 21 sorry, me, late old lady. In the traditional French go.

Speaker 21 Oh no, I'm not a carol singer, Duchess. Are they in France?

Speaker 21 I think that must be a carol. Whence is that goodly fragrance? James to the machine.

Speaker 21 Whence is that? Oh, yeah, okay. Oh.

Speaker 21 So it's a song. It's a song title of a carol.
So she's essentially using Belinda like a jukebox. She's like, jingle bells, go.

Speaker 21 Which is not generally how you communicate with carol singers, is it? No, you get what you're given on the doorstep. They've prepared a song and they sing it.

Speaker 21 You don't go, do you know Destiny's Child? And is it in French? Because she says in traditional French? I've literally never heard of it. Oh, yeah.
So the original is Kelle c'est eau de égreables.

Speaker 21 Okay. Beautifully pronounced.
Hello, France. Merry Christmas.

Speaker 21 Choi a Noel.

Speaker 21 Okay, so. Whence is that goodly fragrance flowing? Sorry, Male.

Speaker 21 Old lady? In the traditional French, go. I mean, that's asking a lot.

Speaker 21 If they've even got it in the songbook, to ask for it in the traditional French. I should give her like 50p for all that.

Speaker 21 Oh, no, I'm not a carol singer, Duchess. I'm no duchess, the duchess said in distress.
I am merely Gertrude. Oh, yeah, Gertrude.
But that would make you go, how do you know that I was a duchess?

Speaker 21 Like, what's your backstory? Who are you? How do you know me? Yeah. Rather than just no, no longer.

Speaker 21 Oh, well, you don't know me, Gertrude, but I'm a spreading Xmas cheer. She didn't ask.
Belinda said, Hey, I like your tiara. Oh, she's wearing a tiara.
She's got chogging buttons on and a tiara.

Speaker 21 Oh, not me, I'm no duchess. Don't be fooled by the tiara, which, by the way, duchesses don't wear, probably.

Speaker 21 Sweating clothes and a tiara. You know what? You've got to make yourself feel special sometimes.
I used to go to the shops in lockdown in like a full suit. Oh, lovely.
Just to wear nice clothes.

Speaker 21 Three-piece pocket watch. Hey, I like your tiara.

Speaker 21 Thank you, it's real twig.

Speaker 21 A twig! Tiara!

Speaker 21 What on earth is she wearing? I don't think you'd say I'd like your tiara. I think you'd say you've got twigs in your hair.
Do you want me to get them out? Also, who says...

Speaker 21 Sorry, are those twigs real? Like, people fake twigs.

Speaker 21 Thank you, it's real twig. They do in this house.
Every plant you say to Jamie is nice, he goes, it's fake. It's fake.
Everything's fake in this house.

Speaker 21 But do you know what? Cost a bloody fortune. Absolute fortune.
It's an investment, James. Is that plant there? Fake.
It's fake. That one's fake up there.
Two grand. That one's real, actually.
Don't.

Speaker 21 Is that one? 500.

Speaker 21 One on its last legs.

Speaker 21 The real twig. The real twig.

Speaker 21 Thank you. It's real twig.

Speaker 21 Oh, I love a good bit of wood myself.

Speaker 21 And with that, Belinda pulled a branch of mistletoe from her ass and held it aloft her once higher-born shag bow. And she had that mistletoe in her ass the whole time.

Speaker 21 What was she wearing that she can access a twig of

Speaker 21 skirt, was it? That she lifted up for the rousers. Yeah.
She's been taking bits off and putting them back. It's hard to know what she's got left on.

Speaker 21 I'm surprised she didn't leave it up there and go kooz.

Speaker 21 The Duchess barked, a slave to tradition and pomp. They kiss.

Speaker 21 They kiss. They kiss

Speaker 21 to black.

Speaker 21 Belinda breathed through her nose, and now it was the Duchess's turn to cry. Moisture filled her eye, and vagina

Speaker 21 and vagina.

Speaker 21 I wasn't expecting it.

Speaker 21 Moisture filled her eyes. Oh, wait, they're going to freeze over.
The vagina's going to freeze over. And vagina lids with equal amounts of cubic millimetres.
Oh, I see.

Speaker 21 I thought she'd cried down to her, and the tears had like trickled down to her. That's quite old school, Rocky, isn't it? When it all just sloshes around together.

Speaker 21 Yes, I think her eyelids are crying and her vagina. Her vagina's crying.
Yeah, not crying, but getting moist. The tears of an angel.
The equal amounts of cubic millimetres. But Belinda was furious.

Speaker 21 Am I that bad a kisser? She demanded. I'll have you know, I won best spooch two years in a row at the Kentish Board Game Society.
Believe me. There's a lot to unpack there.
Yeah.

Speaker 21 Sorry, say it one more time. I won.

Speaker 21 I won Best Smooch two years in a row at the Kentish Board Game Society. The Board Game Society run a competition for kissing.
And she won won two years in a row.

Speaker 21 There's not actually that much to attack.

Speaker 21 It's just ludicrous. Believe me, we were never bored, but there were many, many games.
No, yeah, cool. Yeah, not a very good joke, Belinda.
You know, you know, it was dorky AF, don't you?

Speaker 21 Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. All the guys like, well, let's do a kissing game.

Speaker 21 No wonder Belinda won. I've entered in four categories.
I've never kissed a lady before. Oh, James.
Oh.

Speaker 21 No.

Speaker 21 The Duchess spluttered.

Speaker 21 It's just I

Speaker 21 never thought I'd have another tongue in my mouth that wasn't Sunday lunch at Great Aunt Files.

Speaker 21 That's disgusting.

Speaker 21 Tongue for Sunday lunch. She considers having tongue for Sunday lunch as a kiss.

Speaker 21 What do we got? Chicken, bean boiled, ox's tongue. What? Oh, I'm going to smooch it.
What does that mean? Does that mean they eat tongue or she's been kissing someone at a Sunday dinner?

Speaker 21 No, it means that they're serving tongue and she thinks of that in the same category as being snogged. Fucking hell.
That's dark. That's a loveless marriage, and she's snogging a Sunday roast.

Speaker 21 Come on. No lie.

Speaker 21 I thought I'd never have another tongue in my mouth that wasn't Sunday lunch at Great Aunt Vi's. Although, spin-off for Great Aunt Vi, no.
Come on. You know it's coming.

Speaker 21 You don't have to ask for it.

Speaker 21 Oh, you poor sal.

Speaker 21 My tongue's an explorer. She's been on many adventures.
Oh God. And now it's time to conquer you.

Speaker 21 Within seconds, the two ladies kicked their way into the small pokey house and removed their respective clothing lines. What about Buster Fourfingers? Where's he? Broomfinger.
Broomfinger, what?

Speaker 21 Sort of bottom finger, Broom.

Speaker 21 Don't let him in.

Speaker 21 Kicked their way into the living room. How much clutter's in there?

Speaker 21 Bottles everywhere. Belinda helped herself to the Duchess's tits and decided.
Is it a buffet kind of situation

Speaker 21 and decided to dine out. Or should that be in? It should be in.

Speaker 21 It should be in.

Speaker 21 Delete is appropriate.

Speaker 21 Delete it all. Delete it from start to finish.
The Duchess squealed, and wow, did something squirm within her. Sorry, sorry to interrupt.
Very unlike us.

Speaker 21 Somebody turns up at your door. You think they're a carol singer.
They don't have the song that you want.

Speaker 21 But then they're like, alternatively, we can fuck.

Speaker 21 Are you like, I'll go on then? I mean, it seems like

Speaker 21 maybe if you liked what you experienced with the tongue in your mouth, um, so you're saying you would you'd let in a stranger for a fuck that you thought was a bad judge.

Speaker 21 Should we give out his address? Because if that's the situation, somebody's getting a Christmas treat,

Speaker 21 but do you know what I mean? Like, it's no,

Speaker 21 not in the slightest. What's the difference between that and like Tinder, though? Because you don't really know that.
What's the difference between that and Tinder?

Speaker 21 How Tinder works. Just show show up at someone's door? Like,

Speaker 21 show up at their door. Jingle belt.
What's the difference between Tinder? I think you need to be taught about Tinder. Let's do a little tutorial after this.

Speaker 21 So the Duchess squealed, and wow, did something squirm within her. Oh, God, was it a hagfish? Was it a hagfish?

Speaker 21 Like a Christmas miracle, the Duchess became alive once more. Ah.
I almost imagine, you know, in like Christmas ones where like... The colour returns.
You know, like a transformation.

Speaker 21 Like Cinderella, where like the glitter goes up them and they completely imagine

Speaker 21 absolutely, where it's sort of the orgasms breathing life back into her. Belinda knew in the Christmas dew that passion Christmas dew, I thought it was tears are freezing on her face, there's no dew.

Speaker 21 Maybe it's taking them a while to get to this point. Belinda knew in the Christmas dew that passion was a present worthy of an unused vagina.

Speaker 21 If she could do one thing this Christmas, it would be to wetten this wretched woman. Ah, what a beautiful sentiment.
She stroked the Duchess's humped stomach. Humped?

Speaker 21 I've heard of a humped back, a humped stomach. I've heard of a hump whale.
A humped back whale. Why has she got a humped stomach? So it means she's just got a bit of a belly.
A little gunt, maybe.

Speaker 21 Well, we've all got a little belly. Rude, she's like little, some of us.
Why are you looking at me like that? No, me.

Speaker 21 You, you've got a very little belly. I've got a big fleet of mid spies in front of me.
I've just had one. Calm down.

Speaker 21 She stroked the Duchess's humped stomach and made her way down to her plump undercarriage. Well, plump's good.
Yeah, for someone in her age group. Does it drop? It does, apparently.
Does it drop?

Speaker 21 Does what drop? Apparently, your vagina drops. Drops to where? I don't know, but apparently it drops.
Down your leg. You have to tuck it into one of your trouser legs.
What do you mean, drop?

Speaker 21 That's like why they wear longer skirts. Are you basing this on cats, you know, when their stomachs drop? You only see an older lady cat and the stomachs are really low.
Why am I James this way?

Speaker 21 I don't know. What's happened? How low do they go? How low do they go?

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Speaker 21 I swear I heard it on a chat show or something was. I don't know.
Pumped belly and a dropped vagina. I mean, I've got a lot of things to look forward to.

Speaker 21 No, but hers is still lovely and plump, but a bit lower. No, no, it's half as lower.

Speaker 21 It should be. Okay, absolutely.
It's just the underground. Also, it can't be plump and dropped.
Well, that's what I mean.

Speaker 21 What do you mean?

Speaker 21 Like, it deflates and sags. Is that what you're saying?

Speaker 21 No. Honestly.

Speaker 21 Does it turn into like testicles?

Speaker 21 I don't want to be in this club anymore.

Speaker 21 I've done everything I can do.

Speaker 21 It's fucking wrath.

Speaker 21 Questionable knowledge. What women is he allowing to the door on?

Speaker 21 It's dragging. He likes the wagon that they're dragging, but it happens to be their vagina.

Speaker 21 She stroked the Duchess's hump stomach. What? I mean, the logistics of it, where's it going? But it all sounds so sudden.
Like

Speaker 21 such a plunge. I'm going to find it and like.
I'm going to find it.

Speaker 21 I will find my source, and I'm sure you will

Speaker 21 call it fake news.

Speaker 21 So

Speaker 21 she made her way down to Plump Undercarriage.

Speaker 21 Not before long, she plunged her fingers deep and started frigging her figgy pudding.

Speaker 21 Friggy pudding. Friggy pudding.
Friggy pudding is actually quite clever. He didn't write.
He didn't do that, yes.

Speaker 21 That's actually really good. He didn't do that.

Speaker 21 I mean, it was there on the page for him, and he didn't take the opportunity to do that. I feel like this should be treated as a workshop.

Speaker 21 So we should be workshopping the writing and then come up with what the chapter should read. Yeah, yeah.
So she plunged her fingers and gave us some friggy pudding. That's great.
Great. That's great.

Speaker 21 Well done, James. Very good.

Speaker 21 She licked her sopping fingers.

Speaker 21 She murmured, sweet with a festive spice. I said, Now it is just a figgy pudding.

Speaker 21 Plus that earthy element that truly screamed organic.

Speaker 21 It's organic cup.

Speaker 21 It's because it's dropped so low. So that is just

Speaker 21 soil.

Speaker 21 That's just picking up stuff that's in grass. Yeah, twigs.

Speaker 21 Oh my god.

Speaker 21 The insides of your minds, my God.

Speaker 21 Plus that earthy element that truly screamed organic. It was clear the Duchess had grown this vagina herself.
What is happening? And to drown in her homemade cream was a Christmas treat for the ages.

Speaker 21 Homemade cream's pretty gross, isn't it? It's all pretty gross, to be honest. We got off quite lightly in part one.
I wasn't going to say. Well, I forget about the sex.
So I forget that it's a coming.

Speaker 21 Literally. It is a coming.
I also think that Buster Big Balls or whatever, what is he called again?

Speaker 21 Buster Broomfinger. Broomfinger.
What do you think about it? Buster Bottom Finger. I think Buster Bottom Broomfinger will use his broomfinger on one or other of them, surely.

Speaker 21 So yeah, so the homemade cream was a Christmas treat for the ages.

Speaker 21 I love when he recaps and said it's so matter-of-factly. So yeah, the homemade cream was a Christmas tree.
It's very important that you know that, yeah.

Speaker 21 Indeed, the Duchess was so pissed, her female ejaculation tasted a bit like squalies. A bit like what? Squalies.
What's squalies?

Speaker 21 A drink similar to another well-selling Irish apparet, but in no way the same or similar, actually. What does that mean? So squalies are spelt capital S, Q U A I L E Y S.
Squales.

Speaker 21 Before you Google it, oh. Bailey's.
Oh, for fuck's sake.

Speaker 21 A drink similar to another well-selling Irish aperitif, but in no way the same or similar. That just makes me angry.
He's been so much more convoluted than that in the past. Special J, though.

Speaker 21 I mean, he's just changing letters, isn't he? If I were him, I'd just start saying the brand names, because don't they send you stuff? You start like promoting.

Speaker 21 Not to be associated with this brand, I don't think. Yeah, do you think Baileys are going to be like, what a fantastic scene that we could link to? He's equated it with Cub.
We should send him some.

Speaker 21 But we didn't write it, so if Baileys want to send us a picture of it. Oh, I should say Baileys.
If PlayStation 5 are listening, I'd rather play.

Speaker 21 Indeed, the Duchess's human cream was best sipped by the fireside of passion and on the hairy rug of puberty. Can we stop talking about the Duchess's cream?

Speaker 21 Why are we talking about puberty? I guess the hairy rug. Of puberty.
But who's going to be puberty? Nobody in this scene, I hope. So the Duchess's human cream, so that's we know what that is.

Speaker 21 It's best sipped by the fireside of passion. Because you would drink Baileys by a fire, wouldn't you? So there's an actual fire.
But this is the fireside of like the fiery passion, maybe. Yeah.

Speaker 21 And on a hairy rug of puberty.

Speaker 21 Does he just mean pubes? Like not puberty.

Speaker 21 Don't know. So who serve Baileys.
Swaleys. Chilled.
No, you serve Baileys. Yeah.
Chilled by a fire. On a rug, maybe.
On a rug, maybe.

Speaker 21 Squalies, you serve in a passionate situation on pubes of somebody, again, I really hope of age.

Speaker 21 And then

Speaker 21 if you're, I mean,

Speaker 21 you would be drinking it, drinking it. I mean, you know,

Speaker 21 consuming it from the vagina so that you are on the rug of puberty, to quote dad. Can I just say we're giving this far too much care?

Speaker 21 Don't dwell. Honestly, move on, because we've all got lives to lead.
Do you know what I mean?

Speaker 21 I also love it when Jamie goes, So it would actually be the rug of puberty. Oh, would it? Okay, my bad.
Sorry, I feel like quite the fool.

Speaker 21 They lay there, sweat dripping down their curves. It was the Duchess to break the hush of breathing.
I can't remember the last time I was touched like that.

Speaker 21 But

Speaker 21 I'm confused. Does this make me a lesbian?

Speaker 21 Sorry. I spat everywhere.
Sorry. Thanks for that.
Does it make her a lesbian? No, it makes you bisexual. So she's like, but I'm confused.
Does this make me a lesbian?

Speaker 21 Oh, Gertrude, Belinda replied. Labels are for gifts under the tree, never for those who are sexually free.
Yes, Rocky.

Speaker 21 Slash Rocky. I love that.
I put that on a t-shirt. What was it? Labels are for gifts under under the tree, never for those who are sexually free.
I really like that. Really like that.

Speaker 21 It's their time to add that to the Christmas merch line.

Speaker 21 Seriously, not fly off the shelves. He's learning.
He's learning, isn't he?

Speaker 21 And poetry. Yeah, it's quite good, though, I think.
Yeah. Better than some of your rhymes, actually, James.

Speaker 21 How did How Day I was 10? With credit to him, though, he's always been about the labelless life. Totally.
I think mainly because it probably just all confuses him quite a lot.

Speaker 21 So he's like, I just won't comment on it. You be whatever you want to be.
It's easier for me, that wing

Speaker 21 more material

Speaker 21 um so yeah so labels are the gifts under the tree never for those who are sexually free although one label she's an adulterer yes it's quite an important one

Speaker 21 she is a big fat cheat

Speaker 21 the duchess grinned in fact You shall henceforth be known as Gertrude the Great Shag. Very nice.
Well, it's better than Gertrude Broomfinger, isn't it?

Speaker 21 No, she'd take its name, did she? But Gertrude Broomfinger, sorry, that's just hit me. Gertie Broomfinger.

Speaker 21 Dirty Broomfinger. Dirty Gertie Broomfinger.
But just then, footsteps sounded from upstairs. A terror, unacceptable to Belinda, flashed across the Duchess's cheeks, front and back.

Speaker 21 Your buttocks look terrified. You must go, or Buster's got bust you.

Speaker 21 I'm gonna get you.

Speaker 21 So Buster's been upstairs this whole time. I guess.
And he hasn't heard a thing. You must go, or Buster's gonna bust you.
Stop saying it. The Duchess's diction, Tremp.
I love that.

Speaker 21 Buster's gonna bust you. I love the consistency in the tone of voice of the character.
Buster's gonna bust you. Get the billy hard out of you.
I'd love to see him try, Belinda retorted.

Speaker 21 First fight scene.

Speaker 21 Belinda retorted, miming, rolling up her sleeves.

Speaker 21 She minded it. Why are we being so slapstick now? Get out of there.

Speaker 21 Please,

Speaker 21 the Duchess begged. It had been a while since Belinda had borne witness to a woman pleading for anything other than a spreadsheet, and it wrenched her back to the here and now.

Speaker 21 Scurrying out of the house like an unwanted pest, Belinda.

Speaker 21 Very accurate. First accurate description we've heard of it.

Speaker 21 Belinda rejoined Spoons on the pavement. He opened his fingers wide and turned to her.
Opened his fingers wide. Like that.

Speaker 21 Spread his hand. Like a double five to ten.
But like a nothing in my hands. Nothing in my hands.
Watch this.

Speaker 21 Pulls the gilder out of his sleeve. Pulled out of Belinda's rolled up sleeves.

Speaker 21 So, you see, Belinda, because you don't want to be alive or work for Steel's pots and pans, the Duchess lost everything.

Speaker 21 And not just those I've shown you, no.

Speaker 21 The ones I can't be bothered to write. The ones we don't have time for.

Speaker 21 Ones that I could probably do now, but I want to go in and eat my dinner.

Speaker 21 Giselle never married Tony. She became a spinster, actually, working casual pay jobs.

Speaker 21 Tony married Jane, two kids and one daughter. The catch-up.

Speaker 21 Just a random woman. Also, why do we give a fuck what Giselle did? Good riddance to bad rubbish.
Tony married Jane, two kids, one dog, nice house in Tuckenham.

Speaker 21 And as they say, Belinda. This is the ram robin we were talking about.

Speaker 21 And as they say, Belinda, the rest is history. Well, no, the rest is like the present, isn't it? Yeah, the rest is reality.
The rest is very much the future.

Speaker 21 Please, screamed Belinda. Take me back to the river where I crashed my car Spoons.
I loved my life and really my life loved me.

Speaker 21 Take her back to the river, put her in the driving seat, put the child lock on, and let's just not think about this ever again.

Speaker 21 Sometimes we just have to appreciate what we have, Spoons wisely whistled. Wow, what a clunky message.

Speaker 21 Hammered over the head to us many, many times. But thank you for clarifying.

Speaker 21 Belinda nodded in the snow globe of life. Yeah.

Speaker 21 I promise. James can really feel the end of his night.
He's like, I'm not even going to comment. What gets me through the quickest?

Speaker 21 I promise to appreciate all the tits and ass and cock and bum holes I know. But I need you, you fabulous friend angel, to help me help me.

Speaker 21 Spoons blinked.

Speaker 21 Back in the safety of life and free from all regrets she may have once entertained, Belinda was fucking Desmartin who had delivered her turkey.

Speaker 21 So sorry, she's been given a new chance at life and she decides to fuck Desmartin. Runs straight to Desmartin.
Come on. I want some dribbly sex.

Speaker 21 Fresh from the farm, he had bits of straw in his ass crack and was plowing her with all the sexual trimmings of Christmas. Desmartin lives on a farm.
I thought he lived on a farm.

Speaker 21 No, he's just delivered the turkey. He went, what, slaughtered it on the farm himself.
Or just went to collect it from the farm. Why are you saying it like it's so matter of fact?

Speaker 21 Because that's where you get your turkeys from, isn't it? I don't know, actually, because mother usually deals with turkeys.

Speaker 21 What, you go to a farm to get your turkey? Yeah, do you not do that now?

Speaker 21 I presume like testing. I don't eat meat, Des.
Oh, of course, yeah. I mean, I have done everything.

Speaker 21 It's like two weeks ago.

Speaker 21 Again, you know, I'm not doing that bit of the process. So, Des Martin went to the farm to collect the turkey to hand to Belinda and then fucked her.
And somehow got straw stuck in his arse.

Speaker 21 So, was he like running around the barn, like trying to grab the turkey? Yeah, I think they do it for you. I think it's like,

Speaker 21 you collect it in a box, yeah. It's not like you have to kill it yourself.

Speaker 21 Whichever one you can chase and capture, you get to get covered.

Speaker 21 So he had bits of straw in his ass crack and was ploughing her with all the sexual trimmings of Christmas. Lovely.
His big old cock was ready to spew. E-I-E-I-O.

Speaker 21 Rocky's given up, hasn't he? He backed out of her, flipped Belinda over, and came a long dribble of silver tinsel all over her tummy. Oh, lovely.
Really exhaustive.

Speaker 21 Really nice. But all Belinda could think think of was Spoons' speech pattern.
Every time a bell end comes, an angel gets their way. Of course.
I thought you'd forgotten about that.

Speaker 21 Lying flat on her back, Belinda gazed to the heavens. Atta boy, Spoons.
Oh, God.

Speaker 21 I'm getting weirdly emotional. What a beautiful ending.
Belinda blinked. Is that the end? And that's the end of It's a Blink in Life.

Speaker 21 We've had blue come, we've had silver come. What beautiful character arcs.
Like Belinda learned to appreciate her life again. James Spooner got his wings.
Yeah. Desmond came.
I don't know.

Speaker 21 What a beautiful, fully rounded,

Speaker 21 insane Christmas tale. Yeah, exactly.
You know, I'm always the first to stand in line, to slam anything that Rocky's done. But really, I mean, although he copied something that already existed and so

Speaker 21 can be given no credit, I think really, really quite brilliant. Yeah, good job, Dad.
Well done. Good job, Rocky.
Merry Christmas. Merry Christmas, Rocky.
Merry Christmas.

Speaker 21 Merry Christmas, everyone. Cheers.
Can't reach you.

Speaker 21 Two meters at all. I can't reach you.
We're too socially distant.

Speaker 21 And you thought that was the last of us for this year, but we have an extra special bonus up our sleeve. Yes, there'll be a little certain thing in your Christmas stocking on Christmas Day.

Speaker 21 A collaboration which was just born to happen, really. Yeah, it does feel like a really good fit.
My dad wrote a porno. Welcomes Joan and Jerica to the footnote.
The world's greatest agony aunts.

Speaker 21 We've got problems, you've got problems, and they are the only women equipped to deal with them. Rocky's got many problems, so hopefully, he can learn something from them.
Really excited.

Speaker 21 So, a treat for Christmas Day. My dad retoporno meets Joan and Jerrica.
Lovely. Cannot wait.

Speaker 21 And the one thing you've all been waiting for, the reason you've listened this long, let's face it, you want to know when book six is coming. Well, we have an answer, don't we? We do.

Speaker 21 New Year, New Porn. We will be opening Belinda Blinked Six

Speaker 21 on Monday, the 24th of May, 2021.

Speaker 21 Let's be having you. Hashtag pornoday shall return.
What will happen to Belinda? She's in that random hot air balloon with Bish. There's the tattoos of the three bees.

Speaker 21 Will any of these questions get answered? Probably not. Thanks for that recap because I'd already forgotten all about that.
Honestly, I was like, that sounds new to me. I'm going to go listen again.

Speaker 21 Thanks so much, as always, for listening. It's been so nice to be back.
It is. Yeah.
Merry Christmas, everybody, and see you on Christmas Day for a little festive filth.