My Dad Wrote A Christmas Porno 5 - Part Two

There's the part of me that everyone sees.

I'm Howie Mandel the comedian.

Apparently, I know what funny is.

Funny bought me a house, but I also know what isn't funny.

OCD.

I've lived with OCD my entire life and people throw the term around like it's no big deal.

But OCD is severe, often debilitating.

It's a mental health condition that involves unrelented, unwanted thoughts that can make you question your character, your beliefs, even your safety.

General therapy can help with some things, but for OCD, it can actually make things worse.

That's why I want to tell you about No C D.

No C D is the world's largest treatment provider for OCD and is covered by insurance for over 155 million Americans.

Their licensed therapists specialize in ERP, the most effective treatment for OCD.

If you think you might be struggling with OCD, go to nocd.com to book a free 15-minute call.

They are here to help.

The following podcast contains adult themes, sexual content, and strong language.

Basically, all the good stuff.

One, two, three.

On the second day of Christmas.

It's been so good to me.

A second Christmas special that nobody really needs.

That was better in rehearsal.

Great idea, Alice.

Oh yeah, so we're back.

I thought I sounded perfect.

Yes, welcome to part two of the My Dad Rotoporno Christmas special, where we will be concluding It's a Blinkin' Life.

It goes without saying if you haven't heard the first half, it's not essential to listen to that first because it's a load of shit.

It would be depressing though if people chose not to listen this year, given they've got nothing else to do.

That's like somebody saying, you know, at the moment we're doing a lot of like walk and talks or like exercising with each other outside.

You know, when someone's like, oh, I can't, it's like, but you can.

Yeah.

So the idea that you're choosing.

They're self-isolating, Alice.

I got pinged by the app.

Sorry, I can't see you.

Is that your excuse?

When I have to say goodbye to my mum on the phone now, I'm like, okay, well, I've got to go.

And she's like, no, you don't.

Where are you going?

The last time she went, you don't have to, you're choosing to.

I was like, all right.

They've got another Zoom to go to.

Yeah, Zooms.

So many Zooms.

So many Zooms.

If I do another another Zoom quiz.

Are you still doing them?

No, to be fair, the last time I did one was in lockdown one.

I never did them.

I missed that whole phenomenon.

I would often leave them.

Oh, thanks for inviting me to one.

I was going to say I've never invited you.

The only one that I did was one of you two.

Oh, yeah, we did one as well, didn't we?

Yeah, but that was that was a porno one.

But you're running weekly quizzes that we're not invited to.

Not anymore, you missed them, sorry.

Who were these with?

Yeah, quite.

Random different people, friends.

Not random.

I've got a lot of friends, guys.

So wait, they were with random people and we still weren't invited.

So you were pulling people, we presume, off the big Zoom directory to do them.

Yeah, I was just finding odd links and just being like, want to play?

But the thing is, when did anyone like quizzes before?

I used to love a pub quiz.

Yeah, me too.

That's the pub bit.

You liked that public quiz.

I like having a drink with my friends, yeah.

Mine got quite sophisticated.

I started doing like PowerPoint presentations.

You should have been there, guys.

PowerPoint presentations.

It's like a whole other world.

My dad did a very accessible round, which was named the artwork, the gallery it hangs in, and the artist.

Classic.

And he was like, no, you fools.

It's the Louvre.

Okay, next.

Google it.

Speaking of like lockdown-y COVID life, has everyone else been like having a bit of a clear-out this year and just rethinking?

I have because you're just in the same four walls.

Yeah, because I feel like at the beginning of all of this madness, I got rid of a lot of stuff that now I'm like, I did actually need that, but I was just so bored of looking at it.

I needed my oven.

So my mum like called me in the summer and she was like, get all she basically wants me out of her house completely She wants any memories out of the house

She's changed

Yeah, you used to be the absolute golden child.

Oh, that's long gone.

So she was like yeah, there's loads of crap in the loft of yours Come and clear it out.

I want I want it out, but I found something that is so lol I thought I had to share it with you.

Oh right bit of context.

Do you remember on like a really random footnotes ages ago, I talked that I did drug abuse resistant education at school, Dare.

Oh, yes, yes.

Yeah, didn't you like write a song or something?

I wrote wrote a song, a rap.

I've found the lyrics.

Oh, my God.

Oh, brilliant.

Okay, now that's it.

Merry Christmas, everyone.

I've found the lyrics.

Let me get them out.

Oh, wow.

It's typed.

It's simply called Dare Song.

I'm just going to read it you bit by bit.

Maybe we can do the same format as I.

I don't know.

My dad wrote up porno, where I read a bit, you give me your thoughts.

Are you going to do it to the rhythm?

I think you should do it as a performance piece, really.

I don't know what the rhythm was, but I'll give it a try.

Just go for it.

Oh, sorry, just for context, what was the brief for the song?

There wasn't a brief.

No one asked me to do this.

But this is a.

But But this is about drugs.

This is about drugs.

At school.

No one asked me to do this.

Story of James's Life.

Okay.

For 17 weeks, we've been learning about drugs.

17 weeks?

That classic period of time.

For 17 weeks, we've been learning about drugs and what they can do to you.

Assertiveness alternatives and drug abuse too are all in the lessons by the Dare Crew.

What an unusual rhythm.

It's not iambic pentameter, is it?

Drug, abuse, resistance, education, cannabis, speed, and the smoking population.

Hang on, smoking population.

Are they drug users now?

Yeah, drug users.

No, they did always say that was a gateway, didn't they?

Oh, it's a gateway drug, of course.

Yeah, tobacco is a gateway drug.

So, cannabis, speed, and the smoking population do not know what's right, but do know what's wrong.

And that is the reason we're wrapping this song.

You don't wrap a song, do you?

There's no weir.

It's you on your own.

Who's the weir?

Like, I could rope any other.

So did the curtains part and then the gospel choir come out?

Like exactly right.

I'll see you.

We've come to tell you one and all one little important thing.

So that's the verse.

And this is the chorus.

Okay.

That drugs are wrong and drugs are right.

It's a very

confusing message.

So wait 17 weeks and you still don't know.

Dare cannot endorse this message, I'm afraid.

Some people take them to sleep at night.

So like, I think I meant like a night nurse or something like that.

Why are you putting that caveat in?

Why do you need to clarify that?

I don't know.

Some people take them to cure their sickness, and some people take them for the heck of it.

This is the chorus.

The little fuckers.

So, we're just losing the rhythm of that.

So, say, just read this chorus bit again, sorry.

Because it's an anthem, so think big, you're in a stadium.

We should all join in.

That drugs are wrong, and drugs are right.

Some people take them to sleep at night, some people take them to cure their sickness, and some people take them for the heck of it.

We're wrapping this song, it won't take, it won't take long, and it's already taken.

It's taking fast too long,

It's taken 17 weeks, it feels like.

But we have a question.

Are drugs right or wrong?

I feel like I answered that at the start of the chorus.

Well, no, what's it wrong and right?

I think this is my favourite song in the world.

And then it just says, I just want you to know one little important thing, and then we go back to the chorus.

That drugs are wrong and drugs are right.

Some people take the sleep at night.

I want you to know one little thing.

Drugs are wrong, drugs are right.

You aren't telling us anything.

Why are you still on the fence?

And then it's chorus twice.

Wow, it's powerful.

It's powerful.

It's like Stan, isn't it, by Eminem?

It's one of of those songs that's going to.

James, that was absolutely incredible.

Thank you.

Isn't it absolute nonsense?

So, can I just say, I was 10 when I wrote that?

Sure.

Okay, 10.

10.

That is the work of a 10-year-old.

I know what you're thinking.

That's a professional.

He's 10, so he's got two years of Santa left when he wrote that.

Just to really put it in context, God.

All I would say is that you have a lot of cheek mocking my dad.

I mean, he was 10, Jamie.

Probably nearly 70.

60, 10.

Yeah.

So from one great writer to another, shall we pick up where we left off?

What an embarrassment of riches today.

You really are the true son of Fox, I have to say.

It's not me at all.

So, Belinda's in this hospital, and Dr.

Studd's just switched off Bella's machine boat.

So, Bella's dead without telling you.

I just did it.

Okay, ready?

Okay.

Belinda blinked.

It's a blink in life, part two.

And screamed.

So

hang on, you had the chance to see me.

I might have prematurely ended the chapter.

Okay, so it was Belinda blinked and screamed.

Okay.

Save her, James Spooner.

As you, an angel of all people, she can't die.

She's my bestie.

Aww, it's a bit late, isn't it?

And Belinda wants to die, so if she died, then we'd be together forever.

But Belinda, Spoons replied patiently, you didn't want to be be alive.

You didn't want your life.

And this is what happens if you'd never been around for Bella, your bestie.

But she wasn't like stood by the life machine

machine, like with a hand over the switch.

Spoons shut up.

Point made.

And what of the Duchess, please?

Pray the Norse gods, she is still fifty, frisky, and fabulous.

Belinda asked.

And the rest, yeah.

Fifty.

You have to see it with your own eyes and ears.

Well, yeah, because that's sort of the structure of this chapter, isn't it?

Also, you don't see with your ears, but less said about that, the better.

With an X-Master jingle, the liar zoomed into a puff once more.

It's all gone, and I know people make these comparisons quite a lot because they're obviously both such well-constructed worlds, but it's very broomstick.

It's very Harry Potter, isn't it?

So Bella's dead.

There's no like twist there.

They've gone.

No, yeah, Bella's gone.

Because Belinda wasn't there to save her.

So she died.

But also, no stakes whatsoever, because this is essentially a dream sequence.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, you're right.

Broomsticks, though, kind of reminds me as well of bed knobs and broomsticks.

You ever see that as a kid?

Yeah, it's spooky.

But had kind of weird, multicoloured, like smoke in that as well when they were moving into different worlds.

Isn't there a line in that as well where the child goes, What about my knob?

Yes.

What about my knob?

Yeah, it's a question.

There's probably a line in this book as well.

What about my knob?

So, with an X-Master jingle, the liar zoomed into a puff once more.

In time, it cleared like the toilet after a big Christmas shit.

London Linda.

Porn.

Supposed to be porn.

A big Christmas shit.

This will probably be the 30th time we've talked about it, but you have a big Christmas puke, don't you?

I do normally have a big Christmas puke and a big Christmas shishu, if I'm totally honest.

And let me tell you, they don't clear easily.

James.

How is your heart throb?

It's just disgusting.

He's the one that's lusted after.

I say you have a big Christmas puke, but not like a sort of like Roman vomitorium thing.

You just can't keep it down, can you?

You just go overboard.

Well, I just fill myself until I can feel it in my throat.

Can we?

Okay, I don't even know why I brought it up.

Yeah, fine.

Let's move on.

So anyway,

the puff has cleared.

That's all we need to know.

The snowy suburban street was lifeless and monotonous.

This is an Epsom Hall.

I said the Duchess, you deaf, wingless bat out of heaven, Belinda demanded of her friend Angel.

She doesn't work in customer services, does she?

Well, sadly, the Duchess has had quite the fall from Greece, Spoons replied.

Poppycock, Belinda rebuked.

I'm afraid it's true.

Because you weren't there, the Bish plot was successful.

We were the international laughing stock of crockery, and the Duchess was fired from the MI6.

But all of this just wouldn't have happened, would it?

In this world, the acquisition happened like five years ago.

But Rocky doesn't really think like that, does he?

He's just gone,

what can I make happen?

It's a bit worse than what it was before.

He's not going to have unpicked it in that way.

He's just gone, like, Bish won.

Also, he didn't win because, like, in the normal narrative, Bish's plan is to destroy Steele's pots and pans.

This just sounds like the standard acquisition of a company that would have to be.

It's not even a hostile takeover, it's just a takeover.

Like, like so the duchess has lost a job at mi6 because bish acquired steel's pots and pans well they were an international laughing stock of crockery so that makes sense i mean that wouldn't be nice would it it would be awful to go to crockery conferences and be the laughing stock but again

did that really all pivot on belinda if it all hinges on one employee to keep the whole thing afloat

yeah the head of mi6 expired because of belinda blumenthal in a fucking pots and pans company i just feel like it's not sustainable yeah and wasn't Belinda generally oblivious anyway to what was going on?

So

didn't really do anything in the real world.

So couldn't really have changed anything in this world.

So just so I understand, MI6

steals Bish.

Also, the life so far of one woman, one employee, dear personal friend, that's all down to Belinda.

God, we've underestimated her.

To be fair, there are bits in It's Wonderful Life where like George saves his brother as like a kid and then when he's older, his brother saves like a whole boatload of people in the war.

It's the sort of butterfly effect.

Exactly, so I guess dad's just trying to kind of ramp it up.

That idea of, yeah, lives have consequences, Alice.

They really do.

And I suppose I've always just, you know, skipped through mine, not realizing what an impact I've had on everyone.

Wow.

Who would be dead if you hadn't have lived?

That's the question, Alice.

I mean, you two would live measly lives.

Seriously, you wouldn't be living in this house, Jamie.

I was going to say, I wouldn't.

Can I just say, though, this world sounds way better than the normal world.

Bella's dead.

Normal business is happening.

And there isn't some nutty aristocrat in charge of MI6.

That's true.

Yeah, how do we stay in the Christmas special?

So the Duchess was fired from MI6.

Fiction!

Fact.

Fiction.

And barely.

The scandal rocked the aristocracy, and grand old Duke Clarence divorced her ass.

God, she's really gone to her lowest point, hasn't she?

The hagfish!

It's not a thing.

Is there such a thing as a hagfish?

May I?

I'm just going to guess.

Watch it be Dutch for something.

The hagfish.

Oh my god, it is a real thing.

Oh, my God, it looks like an eel or like a...

Show me?

It looks like a tapeworm.

Oh, it looks like a term.

It's like an intestine.

What size is it?

Can be between 30 to 89 centimetres.

Christ!

That is long, isn't it?

It's a slime-producing marine fish.

They're the only known living animals that have a skull but no vertebral column.

That's genuinely gross.

He is a hagfish.

You're queer hagfish.

Sorry, you're queen hagfish.

Merry Christmas, you hagfish.

You filthy hagfish.

You slimy hagfish.

What is it?

You've got a skull but no brain.

What was it?

A skull but no spine.

Oh my god, I've never met two human embodiments of magfish more accurate than you do.

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There's the part of me that everyone sees.

I'm Howie Mandel, the comedian.

Apparently, I know what funny is.

Funny bought me a house, but I also know what isn't funny, OCD.

I've lived with OCD my entire life and people throw the term around like it's no big deal.

But OCD is severe, often debilitating.

It's a mental health condition that involves unrelented, unwanted thoughts that can make you question your character, your beliefs, even your safety.

General therapy can help with some things, but for OCD, it can actually make things worse.

That's why I want to tell you about No C D.

No C D is the world's largest treatment provider for OCD and is covered by insurance for over 155 million Americans.

Their licensed therapists specialize in ERP, the most effective treatment for OCD.

If you think you might be struggling with OCD, go to nocd.com to book a free 15 minute call they are here to help

the hagfish

she was stripped of her

sorry it's actually quite an accurate way to describe someone as an in a derogatory term then isn't it I'm using it I'm having it slimy

she was stripped of her title and forced to wander the streets.

Why was she street?

Why was she stripped of her title?

Because she got divorced, I think.

You still have it, don't you?

Yeah, well, Princess Diana still got her.

Oh, no, did she?

Yeah, she was still Princess of Wales, wasn't it?

Princess Fergie was still something, wasn't she?

Duchess of York?

Sure.

Clearly, embarrassing pots and pans is worse than getting your toes sucked by some random person.

Have you been watching The Crown, by the way?

Oh, yeah.

Maggie Dutch Dennis.

I could have done that wrong.

Oh, do you not like it?

Yeah, I just love.

I love doing Margaret Thatcher impressions.

She doesn't move her mouth very much, does she, Jillian?

Because when she's doing that one, The Fall, she's like, we must get the blousers back.

I'm really worried about doing The Duchess's voice now because all I'm going to hear is Gillian Anderson being Thatcher because it's basically the same voice, isn't it?

The medicine may be harsh, but the country needs to be.

Yeah, it's very you actually.

Do you think she heard the Duchess?

Oh, definitely.

Gillian loves the show, doesn't she?

So absolutely.

That's probably libelist, but yeah.

By virtue of their privilege, they lack grit.

That's more Prince Charles.

The wig is doing a lot of the work.

That wig is massive.

It gets bigger and bigger.

It's huge.

What's up?

Episode 5.

It was like twice the size of a break.

You know, sometimes when Jamie jumps on a Zoom call and he's clearly just woken up and he's trying to style it out, yours is...

Yeah, it's a Maggie Thatcher hair.

Similar size.

So she was forced to walk the streets.

I just don't buy this.

I should have said that at the beginning.

Impossible.

Belinda trembled as she and Spoons peered through the lace net curtains of number 69 of the street.

Of course, it was 69.

There was the Duchess.

Oh, she's.

Wait, just from the net curtains, is she just going to be standard old lady?

Living in suburbia.

Living in suburbia.

She's not got the trimmings, has she, of the higher life anymore?

There was the Duchess, drunk and alone in an orange living room.

Orange.

No, it's really got bad.

New choice.

And you've just painted your.

Oh my god, I'm not.

Is it lime green?

It's come out lime green.

It wasn't supposed to.

I'd actually prefer orange.

The TV set was on.

A show about gossip disguised as culture.

Loose women.

Byrne was seducing the former lady.

A show about gossip disguised as culture.

I mean, that's literally every TV show now.

Gloria Hunterford wanging on.

She was lifeless, like a brain-dead Barbie in sweating clothes.

She's just in her joggers.

I mean, that's been me all year, so I'm like, doesn't sound so bad.

Drunk in her joggers.

That's, yeah, that's 2020.

I'm watching brain-dead TV.

TV and watching loose women.

And James is like a Kendall, so.

Welcome to my mate.

Oh, it's rotting her brain, poor thing, Belinda said.

Well, she doesn't need a brain with her new husband, Buster Broomfinger.

He's quite the twat.

Not known to Broomfinger.

He's quite the twat.

It sounds like it with a name like Buster Broomfinger.

What a twat.

Belinda turns to Spooner, disgusted at her learnings.

Spoons,

answer me one thing and don't you dare lie?

Spoons nodded his sultry nod.

What a sexy bastard.

This

marriage you speak of, is it

is it sexless?

I'm afraid so.

Belinda screamed.

It's a nightmare

Is it sexless?

I'm afraid, sure.

No!

Rocky's writing himself out of a job here.

Like, if there's no sex, what do we have?

Also, he's telling us that that's kind of his idea of a worst-case scenario, which means he's having a lot of sex marriage.

Well, I'm just saying, like, he wouldn't write it, would he, if that was his situation?

No!

Jamie screamed with Belinda.

I'm happy for him, though.

Yeah.

That's great.

Belinda.

I think you are too, Jamie.

Oh, over the moon.

Lockdown life.

Fucking move.

Yeah.

Literally.

Nothing else.

Belinda screamed as she fell to the cracked tarmac of the unmaintained road, which clearly pointed to this part of town not being a priority for the council.

Well, and Rocky knows about stuff when it comes to property and like the right areas of town and things like that.

And he knows about council tax and

how local authorities are spending their budget.

So actually, although very boring, probably very accurate.

The tears filling her eyes froze as they slipped down her cheeks.

Unlikely, I mean, I know it's cold,

it's a bad neighbourhood, it's the Arctic.

Each one becoming a unique snowflake, for all are different, and none on this endangered planet is the same.

Little climate changer remark in there.

Thank you, Rocky Attenborough.

Not sure that's how snowflakes are formed, though.

From the eyes of sad women, from the eyes of dead ghosts.

I need need to save her.

Her smoky breath breathed.

And Belinda marched up to the door and knocked it once.

What kicked it down?

Knock it one.

The Duchess opened it.

Oh, here we go.

Get ready for Thatcher.

Whence is that goodly fragrance flowing?

Oh, it's nice to have her back, isn't it?

She said.

Sorry, Male

Old Lady, Belinda stuttered.

You say, sorry, old lady.

Even if you're correcting yourself from my lady.

Sorry, hagfish.

The traditional French go.

Sorry?

I don't know any of the things that she said so far.

Say that first line again.

Whence is that goodly fragrance flowing?

From where is that nice smell coming from?

From the woman in front of the colour.

It's in capitals.

Oh,

sorry, me, late old lady.

In the traditional French go.

Oh no, I'm not a carol singer, Duchess.

Are they in France?

I think that must be a carol.

Whence is that goodly fragrance?

James to the machine.

Whence is that?

Oh, yeah, okay.

Oh.

So it's a song.

It's a song title of a carol.

So she's essentially using Belinda like a jukebox.

She's like, jingle bells, go.

Which is not generally how you communicate with carol singers, is it?

No, you get what you're given on the doorstep.

They've prepared a song and they sing it.

You don't go, do you know Destiny's Child?

And is it in French?

Because she says in traditional French?

I've literally never heard of it.

Oh, yeah.

So the original is Kelle c'est eau de égreables.

Okay.

Beautifully pronounced.

Hello, France.

Merry Christmas.

Choi a Noel.

Okay, so.

Whence is that goodly fragrance flowing?

Sorry, Male.

Old lady?

In the traditional French, go.

I mean, that's asking a lot.

If they've even got it in the songbook, to ask for it in the traditional French.

I should give her like 50p for all that.

Oh, no, I'm not a carol singer, Duchess.

I'm no duchess, the duchess said in distress.

I am merely Gertrude.

Oh, yeah, Gertrude.

But that would make you go, how do you know that I was a duchess?

Like, what's your backstory?

Who are you?

How do you know me?

Yeah.

Rather than just no, no longer.

Oh, well, you don't know me, Gertrude, but I'm a spreading Xmas cheer.

She didn't ask.

Belinda said, Hey, I like your tiara.

Oh, she's wearing a tiara.

She's got chogging buttons on and a tiara.

Oh, not me, I'm no duchess.

Don't be fooled by the tiara, which, by the way, duchesses don't wear, probably.

Sweating clothes and a tiara.

You know what?

You've got to make yourself feel special sometimes.

I used to go to the shops in lockdown in like a full suit.

Oh, lovely.

Just to wear nice clothes.

Three-piece pocket watch.

Hey, I like your tiara.

Thank you, it's real twig.

A twig!

Tiara!

What on earth is she wearing?

I don't think you'd say I'd like your tiara.

I think you'd say you've got twigs in your hair.

Do you want me to get them out?

Also, who says...

Sorry, are those twigs real?

Like, people fake twigs.

Thank you, it's real twig.

They do in this house.

Every plant you say to Jamie is nice, he goes, it's fake.

It's fake.

Everything's fake in this house.

But do you know what?

Cost a bloody fortune.

Absolute fortune.

It's an investment, James.

Is that plant there?

Fake.

It's fake.

That one's fake up there.

Two grand.

That one's real, actually.

Don't.

Is that one?

500.

One on its last legs.

The real twig.

The real twig.

Thank you.

It's real twig.

Oh, I love a good bit of wood myself.

And with that, Belinda pulled a branch of mistletoe from her ass and held it aloft her once higher-born shag bow.

And she had that mistletoe in her ass the whole time.

What was she wearing that she can access a twig of

skirt, was it?

That she lifted up for the rousers.

Yeah.

She's been taking bits off and putting them back.

It's hard to know what she's got left on.

I'm surprised she didn't leave it up there and go kooz.

The Duchess barked, a slave to tradition and pomp.

They kiss.

They kiss.

They kiss

to black.

Belinda breathed through her nose, and now it was the Duchess's turn to cry.

Moisture filled her eye, and vagina

and vagina.

I wasn't expecting it.

Moisture filled her eyes.

Oh, wait, they're going to freeze over.

The vagina's going to freeze over.

And vagina lids with equal amounts of cubic millimetres.

Oh, I see.

I thought she'd cried down to her, and the tears had like trickled down to her.

That's quite old school, Rocky, isn't it?

When it all just sloshes around together.

Yes, I think her eyelids are crying and her vagina.

Her vagina's crying.

Yeah, not crying, but getting moist.

The tears of an angel.

The equal amounts of cubic millimetres.

But Belinda was furious.

Am I that bad a kisser?

She demanded.

I'll have you know, I won best spooch two years in a row at the Kentish Board Game Society.

Believe me.

There's a lot to unpack there.

Yeah.

Sorry, say it one more time.

I won.

I won Best Smooch two years in a row at the Kentish Board Game Society.

The Board Game Society run a competition for kissing.

And she won won two years in a row.

There's not actually that much to attack.

It's just ludicrous.

Believe me, we were never bored, but there were many, many games.

No, yeah, cool.

Yeah, not a very good joke, Belinda.

You know, you know, it was dorky AF, don't you?

Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah.

All the guys like, well, let's do a kissing game.

No wonder Belinda won.

I've entered in four categories.

I've never kissed a lady before.

Oh, James.

Oh.

No.

The Duchess spluttered.

It's just I

never thought I'd have another tongue in my mouth that wasn't Sunday lunch at Great Aunt Files.

That's disgusting.

Tongue for Sunday lunch.

She considers having tongue for Sunday lunch as a kiss.

What do we got?

Chicken, bean boiled, ox's tongue.

What?

Oh, I'm going to smooch it.

What does that mean?

Does that mean they eat tongue or she's been kissing someone at a Sunday dinner?

No, it means that they're serving tongue and she thinks of that in the same category as being snogged.

Fucking hell.

That's dark.

That's a loveless marriage, and she's snogging a Sunday roast.

Come on.

No lie.

I thought I'd never have another tongue in my mouth that wasn't Sunday lunch at Great Aunt Vi's.

Although, spin-off for Great Aunt Vi, no.

Come on.

You know it's coming.

You don't have to ask for it.

Oh, you poor sal.

My tongue's an explorer.

She's been on many adventures.

Oh God.

And now it's time to conquer you.

Within seconds, the two ladies kicked their way into the small pokey house and removed their respective clothing lines.

What about Buster Fourfingers?

Where's he?

Broomfinger.

Broomfinger, what?

Sort of bottom finger, Broom.

Don't let him in.

Kicked their way into the living room.

How much clutter's in there?

Bottles everywhere.

Belinda helped herself to the Duchess's tits and decided.

Is it a buffet kind of situation

and decided to dine out.

Or should that be in?

It should be in.

It should be in.

Delete is appropriate.

Delete it all.

Delete it from start to finish.

The Duchess squealed, and wow, did something squirm within her.

Sorry, sorry to interrupt.

Very unlike us.

Somebody turns up at your door.

You think they're a carol singer.

They don't have the song that you want.

But then they're like, alternatively, we can fuck.

Are you like, I'll go on then?

I mean, it seems like

maybe if you liked what you experienced with the tongue in your mouth, um, so you're saying you would you'd let in a stranger for a fuck that you thought was a bad judge.

Should we give out his address?

Because if that's the situation, somebody's getting a Christmas treat,

but do you know what I mean?

Like, it's no,

not in the slightest.

What's the difference between that and like Tinder, though?

Because you don't really know that.

What's the difference between that and Tinder?

How Tinder works.

Just show show up at someone's door?

Like,

show up at their door.

Jingle belt.

What's the difference between Tinder?

I think you need to be taught about Tinder.

Let's do a little tutorial after this.

So the Duchess squealed, and wow, did something squirm within her.

Oh, God, was it a hagfish?

Was it a hagfish?

Like a Christmas miracle, the Duchess became alive once more.

Ah.

I almost imagine, you know, in like Christmas ones where like...

The colour returns.

You know, like a transformation.

Like Cinderella, where like the glitter goes up them and they completely imagine

absolutely, where it's sort of the orgasms breathing life back into her.

Belinda knew in the Christmas dew that passion Christmas dew, I thought it was tears are freezing on her face, there's no dew.

Maybe it's taking them a while to get to this point.

Belinda knew in the Christmas dew that passion was a present worthy of an unused vagina.

If she could do one thing this Christmas, it would be to wetten this wretched woman.

Ah, what a beautiful sentiment.

She stroked the Duchess's humped stomach.

Humped?

I've heard of a humped back, a humped stomach.

I've heard of a hump whale.

A humped back whale.

Why has she got a humped stomach?

So it means she's just got a bit of a belly.

A little gunt, maybe.

Well, we've all got a little belly.

Rude, she's like little, some of us.

Why are you looking at me like that?

No, me.

You, you've got a very little belly.

I've got a big fleet of mid spies in front of me.

I've just had one.

Calm down.

She stroked the Duchess's humped stomach and made her way down to her plump undercarriage.

Well, plump's good.

Yeah, for someone in her age group.

Does it drop?

It does, apparently.

Does it drop?

Does what drop?

Apparently, your vagina drops.

Drops to where?

I don't know, but apparently it drops.

Down your leg.

You have to tuck it into one of your trouser legs.

What do you mean, drop?

That's like why they wear longer skirts.

Are you basing this on cats, you know, when their stomachs drop?

You only see an older lady cat and the stomachs are really low.

Why am I James this way?

I don't know.

What's happened?

How low do they go?

How low do they go?

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I swear I heard it on a chat show or something was.

I don't know.

Pumped belly and a dropped vagina.

I mean, I've got a lot of things to look forward to.

No, but hers is still lovely and plump, but a bit lower.

No, no, it's half as lower.

It should be.

Okay, absolutely.

It's just the underground.

Also, it can't be plump and dropped.

Well, that's what I mean.

What do you mean?

Like, it deflates and sags.

Is that what you're saying?

No.

Honestly.

Does it turn into like testicles?

I don't want to be in this club anymore.

I've done everything I can do.

It's fucking wrath.

Questionable knowledge.

What women is he allowing to the door on?

It's dragging.

He likes the wagon that they're dragging, but it happens to be their vagina.

She stroked the Duchess's hump stomach.

What?

I mean, the logistics of it, where's it going?

But it all sounds so sudden.

Like

such a plunge.

I'm going to find it and like.

I'm going to find it.

I will find my source, and I'm sure you will

call it fake news.

So

she made her way down to Plump Undercarriage.

Not before long, she plunged her fingers deep and started frigging her figgy pudding.

Friggy pudding.

Friggy pudding.

Friggy pudding is actually quite clever.

He didn't write.

He didn't do that, yes.

That's actually really good.

He didn't do that.

I mean, it was there on the page for him, and he didn't take the opportunity to do that.

I feel like this should be treated as a workshop.

So we should be workshopping the writing and then come up with what the chapter should read.

Yeah, yeah.

So she plunged her fingers and gave us some friggy pudding.

That's great.

Great.

That's great.

Well done, James.

Very good.

She licked her sopping fingers.

She murmured, sweet with a festive spice.

I said, Now it is just a figgy pudding.

Plus that earthy element that truly screamed organic.

It's organic cup.

It's because it's dropped so low.

So that is just

soil.

That's just picking up stuff that's in grass.

Yeah, twigs.

Oh my god.

The insides of your minds, my God.

Plus that earthy element that truly screamed organic.

It was clear the Duchess had grown this vagina herself.

What is happening?

And to drown in her homemade cream was a Christmas treat for the ages.

Homemade cream's pretty gross, isn't it?

It's all pretty gross, to be honest.

We got off quite lightly in part one.

I wasn't going to say.

Well, I forget about the sex.

So I forget that it's a coming.

Literally.

It is a coming.

I also think that Buster Big Balls or whatever, what is he called again?

Buster Broomfinger.

Broomfinger.

What do you think about it?

Buster Bottom Finger.

I think Buster Bottom Broomfinger will use his broomfinger on one or other of them, surely.

So yeah, so the homemade cream was a Christmas treat for the ages.

I love when he recaps and said it's so matter-of-factly.

So yeah, the homemade cream was a Christmas tree.

It's very important that you know that, yeah.

Indeed, the Duchess was so pissed, her female ejaculation tasted a bit like squalies.

A bit like what?

Squalies.

What's squalies?

A drink similar to another well-selling Irish apparet, but in no way the same or similar, actually.

What does that mean?

So squalies are spelt capital S, Q U A I L E Y S.

Squales.

Before you Google it, oh.

Bailey's.

Oh, for fuck's sake.

A drink similar to another well-selling Irish aperitif, but in no way the same or similar.

That just makes me angry.

He's been so much more convoluted than that in the past.

Special J, though.

I mean, he's just changing letters, isn't he?

If I were him, I'd just start saying the brand names, because don't they send you stuff?

You start like promoting.

Not to be associated with this brand, I don't think.

Yeah, do you think Baileys are going to be like, what a fantastic scene that we could link to?

He's equated it with Cub.

We should send him some.

But we didn't write it, so if Baileys want to send us a picture of it.

Oh, I should say Baileys.

If PlayStation 5 are listening, I'd rather play.

Indeed, the Duchess's human cream was best sipped by the fireside of passion and on the hairy rug of puberty.

Can we stop talking about the Duchess's cream?

Why are we talking about puberty?

I guess the hairy rug.

Of puberty.

But who's going to be puberty?

Nobody in this scene, I hope.

So the Duchess's human cream, so that's we know what that is.

It's best sipped by the fireside of passion.

Because you would drink Baileys by a fire, wouldn't you?

So there's an actual fire.

But this is the fireside of like the fiery passion, maybe.

Yeah.

And on a hairy rug of puberty.

Does he just mean pubes?

Like not puberty.

Don't know.

So who serve Baileys.

Swaleys.

Chilled.

No, you serve Baileys.

Yeah.

Chilled by a fire.

On a rug, maybe.

On a rug, maybe.

Squalies, you serve in a passionate situation on pubes of somebody, again, I really hope of age.

And then

if you're, I mean,

you would be drinking it, drinking it.

I mean, you know,

consuming it from the vagina so that you are on the rug of puberty, to quote dad.

Can I just say we're giving this far too much care?

Don't dwell.

Honestly, move on, because we've all got lives to lead.

Do you know what I mean?

I also love it when Jamie goes, So it would actually be the rug of puberty.

Oh, would it?

Okay, my bad.

Sorry, I feel like quite the fool.

They lay there, sweat dripping down their curves.

It was the Duchess to break the hush of breathing.

I can't remember the last time I was touched like that.

But

I'm confused.

Does this make me a lesbian?

Sorry.

I spat everywhere.

Sorry.

Thanks for that.

Does it make her a lesbian?

No, it makes you bisexual.

So she's like, but I'm confused.

Does this make me a lesbian?

Oh, Gertrude, Belinda replied.

Labels are for gifts under the tree, never for those who are sexually free.

Yes, Rocky.

Slash Rocky.

I love that.

I put that on a t-shirt.

What was it?

Labels are for gifts under under the tree, never for those who are sexually free.

I really like that.

Really like that.

It's their time to add that to the Christmas merch line.

Seriously, not fly off the shelves.

He's learning.

He's learning, isn't he?

And poetry.

Yeah, it's quite good, though, I think.

Yeah.

Better than some of your rhymes, actually, James.

How did How Day I was 10?

With credit to him, though, he's always been about the labelless life.

Totally.

I think mainly because it probably just all confuses him quite a lot.

So he's like, I just won't comment on it.

You be whatever you want to be.

It's easier for me, that wing

more material

um so yeah so labels are the gifts under the tree never for those who are sexually free although one label she's an adulterer yes it's quite an important one

she is a big fat cheat

the duchess grinned in fact You shall henceforth be known as Gertrude the Great Shag.

Very nice.

Well, it's better than Gertrude Broomfinger, isn't it?

No, she'd take its name, did she?

But Gertrude Broomfinger, sorry, that's just hit me.

Gertie Broomfinger.

Dirty Broomfinger.

Dirty Gertie Broomfinger.

But just then, footsteps sounded from upstairs.

A terror, unacceptable to Belinda, flashed across the Duchess's cheeks, front and back.

Your buttocks look terrified.

You must go, or Buster's got bust you.

I'm gonna get you.

So Buster's been upstairs this whole time.

I guess.

And he hasn't heard a thing.

You must go, or Buster's gonna bust you.

Stop saying it.

The Duchess's diction, Tremp.

I love that.

Buster's gonna bust you.

I love the consistency in the tone of voice of the character.

Buster's gonna bust you.

Get the billy hard out of you.

I'd love to see him try, Belinda retorted.

First fight scene.

Belinda retorted, miming, rolling up her sleeves.

She minded it.

Why are we being so slapstick now?

Get out of there.

Please,

the Duchess begged.

It had been a while since Belinda had borne witness to a woman pleading for anything other than a spreadsheet, and it wrenched her back to the here and now.

Scurrying out of the house like an unwanted pest, Belinda.

Very accurate.

First accurate description we've heard of it.

Belinda rejoined Spoons on the pavement.

He opened his fingers wide and turned to her.

Opened his fingers wide.

Like that.

Spread his hand.

Like a double five to ten.

But like a nothing in my hands.

Nothing in my hands.

Watch this.

Pulls the gilder out of his sleeve.

Pulled out of Belinda's rolled up sleeves.

So, you see, Belinda, because you don't want to be alive or work for Steel's pots and pans, the Duchess lost everything.

And not just those I've shown you, no.

The ones I can't be bothered to write.

The ones we don't have time for.

Ones that I could probably do now, but I want to go in and eat my dinner.

Giselle never married Tony.

She became a spinster, actually, working casual pay jobs.

Tony married Jane, two kids and one daughter.

The catch-up.

Just a random woman.

Also, why do we give a fuck what Giselle did?

Good riddance to bad rubbish.

Tony married Jane, two kids, one dog, nice house in Tuckenham.

And as they say, Belinda.

This is the ram robin we were talking about.

And as they say, Belinda, the rest is history.

Well, no, the rest is like the present, isn't it?

Yeah, the rest is reality.

The rest is very much the future.

Please, screamed Belinda.

Take me back to the river where I crashed my car Spoons.

I loved my life and really my life loved me.

Take her back to the river, put her in the driving seat, put the child lock on, and let's just not think about this ever again.

Sometimes we just have to appreciate what we have, Spoons wisely whistled.

Wow, what a clunky message.

Hammered over the head to us many, many times.

But thank you for clarifying.

Belinda nodded in the snow globe of life.

Yeah.

I promise.

James can really feel the end of his night.

He's like, I'm not even going to comment.

What gets me through the quickest?

I promise to appreciate all the tits and ass and cock and bum holes I know.

But I need you, you fabulous friend angel, to help me help me.

Spoons blinked.

Back in the safety of life and free from all regrets she may have once entertained, Belinda was fucking Desmartin who had delivered her turkey.

So sorry, she's been given a new chance at life and she decides to fuck Desmartin.

Runs straight to Desmartin.

Come on.

I want some dribbly sex.

Fresh from the farm, he had bits of straw in his ass crack and was plowing her with all the sexual trimmings of Christmas.

Desmartin lives on a farm.

I thought he lived on a farm.

No, he's just delivered the turkey.

He went, what, slaughtered it on the farm himself.

Or just went to collect it from the farm.

Why are you saying it like it's so matter of fact?

Because that's where you get your turkeys from, isn't it?

I don't know, actually, because mother usually deals with turkeys.

What, you go to a farm to get your turkey?

Yeah, do you not do that now?

I presume like testing.

I don't eat meat, Des.

Oh, of course, yeah.

I mean, I have done everything.

It's like two weeks ago.

Again, you know, I'm not doing that bit of the process.

So, Des Martin went to the farm to collect the turkey to hand to Belinda and then fucked her.

And somehow got straw stuck in his arse.

So, was he like running around the barn, like trying to grab the turkey?

Yeah, I think they do it for you.

I think it's like,

you collect it in a box, yeah.

It's not like you have to kill it yourself.

Whichever one you can chase and capture, you get to get covered.

So he had bits of straw in his ass crack and was ploughing her with all the sexual trimmings of Christmas.

Lovely.

His big old cock was ready to spew.

E-I-E-I-O.

Rocky's given up, hasn't he?

He backed out of her, flipped Belinda over, and came a long dribble of silver tinsel all over her tummy.

Oh, lovely.

Really exhaustive.

Really nice.

But all Belinda could think think of was Spoons' speech pattern.

Every time a bell end comes, an angel gets their way.

Of course.

I thought you'd forgotten about that.

Lying flat on her back, Belinda gazed to the heavens.

Atta boy, Spoons.

Oh, God.

I'm getting weirdly emotional.

What a beautiful ending.

Belinda blinked.

Is that the end?

And that's the end of It's a Blink in Life.

We've had blue come, we've had silver come.

What beautiful character arcs.

Like Belinda learned to appreciate her life again.

James Spooner got his wings.

Yeah.

Desmond came.

I don't know.

What a beautiful, fully rounded,

insane Christmas tale.

Yeah, exactly.

You know, I'm always the first to stand in line, to slam anything that Rocky's done.

But really, I mean, although he copied something that already existed and so

can be given no credit, I think really, really quite brilliant.

Yeah, good job, Dad.

Well done.

Good job, Rocky.

Merry Christmas.

Merry Christmas, Rocky.

Merry Christmas.

Merry Christmas, everyone.

Cheers.

Can't reach you.

Two meters at all.

I can't reach you.

We're too socially distant.

And you thought that was the last of us for this year, but we have an extra special bonus up our sleeve.

Yes, there'll be a little certain thing in your Christmas stocking on Christmas Day.

A collaboration which was just born to happen, really.

Yeah, it does feel like a really good fit.

My dad wrote a porno.

Welcomes Joan and Jerica to the footnote.

The world's greatest agony aunts.

We've got problems, you've got problems, and they are the only women equipped to deal with them.

Rocky's got many problems, so hopefully, he can learn something from them.

Really excited.

So, a treat for Christmas Day.

My dad retoporno meets Joan and Jerrica.

Lovely.

Cannot wait.

And the one thing you've all been waiting for, the reason you've listened this long, let's face it, you want to know when book six is coming.

Well, we have an answer, don't we?

We do.

New Year, New Porn.

We will be opening Belinda Blinked Six

on Monday, the 24th of May, 2021.

Let's be having you.

Hashtag pornoday shall return.

What will happen to Belinda?

She's in that random hot air balloon with Bish.

There's the tattoos of the three bees.

Will any of these questions get answered?

Probably not.

Thanks for that recap because I'd already forgotten all about that.

Honestly, I was like, that sounds new to me.

I'm going to go listen again.

Thanks so much, as always, for listening.

It's been so nice to be back.

It is.

Yeah.

Merry Christmas, everybody, and see you on Christmas Day for a little festive filth.