My Dad Wrote A Christmas Porno 5 - Part One

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The following podcast contains adult themes, sexual content, and strong language.

Basically, all the good stuff.

Hello and welcome to the My Dad Rota Porno Christmas Special 2020.

Oh, James, Alice, how have you both been?

Good year?

Hasn't it been quiet?

I have had no anxiety.

I've been totally calm at all times, never panicked.

It's been absolutely fine.

I mean, it feels weird to actually be doing this.

It does, it feels really odd.

We are,

we should say, we are socially distanced.

Oh, we're miles away.

I can barely see you.

I know.

Yeah, we've had to come to the only place that could fit us all in whilst distancing, which is Jamie's Country Pile.

Manor.

Yeah, his manor.

So, we're in your great hall.

Thank you.

It's nice to see you both.

This is so bizarre.

We haven't been in the same room since we celebrated your birthday in September.

Yes, and I nearly burnt my flat down, if I remember.

Even though we ordered in, which was quite strange.

What have been your go-to distraction techniques?

I've completed Netflix.

I've watched everything on there.

I was even watching like something home makeup, Mr.

Christmas's festive home makeovers or whatever.

Are you talking about that?

Honestly, I was desperate.

There was nothing to do.

Do you know what I started watching from the beginning?

And not mad at it.

What?

Dawson's Creek.

Yes.

Shut up.

What is that on?

It's on Netflix, isn't it?

I can quote it.

I used to watch it as a kid growing up.

I loved Dawson's Creek.

That totally missed me.

Like, the whole thing passed me by.

You were either an OC or a Dawson's Creek person.

What if you were in neither?

That wasn't bad thinking about.

Social pariah, I think.

think.

I mean, the whole thing is totally ludicrous and so cheesy, but thrilled, absolutely thrilled by it.

Well, you guys know that Pornhub gave everyone free membership.

Did they?

During lockdown, so that's what I've been doing.

Joking, not joking.

Did they really?

Yeah.

Yeah, because they were saying, like, you couldn't have sex with people.

Even your partner, you had to do it from behind or wear a mask.

Which you mocked before, Alice Levine, but it is true.

You had to do it doggy or nothing.

Oh, that was COVID saying.

Yeah, because you can't breathe on people you see.

So doggy or be as be as far away from each other's mouths.

Or, like against a wall.

I mean, I guess anything where you're just not facing each other.

I mean, doggy or nothing, that's very extreme.

I mean, like, be creative.

It also sounds like a Rocky Flintstone chapter title.

I feel like everybody that's been into gimp masks for years has like finally vindicated.

They're like, I told you.

Jamie, I'm just looking at your lovely Christmas tree.

Oh, yes.

Oh, actually, I have a couple of gifts for you, actually.

Oh, speaking of Christmas tree.

I didn't know we were doing gifts.

Don't Don't get too excited.

They are Christmas decorations for both of your anatomies, but in a festive way.

What does that mean?

I don't know.

So James.

Yes.

Oh, that's amazing.

It's an aubergine emoji.

Is this the right size?

That's beautiful.

Thank you.

You're welcome.

And then Alice, your little avocado for JJ.

There you go.

It's the avocado for Vijay J.

Well, it was the closest I could get.

I think it's technically a taco, isn't it?

I mean, I'm no expert, but it doesn't look like that, I'm sure.

It hasn't got a rotten pip in the middle.

You know what I mean?

It's close enough.

Is it green?

James.

It's definitely glittery.

Alice's is full-on bejazzle.

Explain to me some of these decks on your tree.

I've got a dove, a bird of peace, I see there.

Yeah, there's my eyes drawn to the crab.

It's a crab.

That's like a family joke.

There's actually a reason.

I'm not going to fill you in on.

Because one of the family got crabs one Christmas, and now we always talk about it.

Because my sister lives in Crab Key, so it's a bit of a thing.

And then there's a really cool one of the Royal Albert Hall.

Oh, yeah, and there's a pomegranate I see.

Oh, that's a nice little humble brag.

Hanging on your Christmas tree.

Oh, I've played there, so don't worry about it.

I basically get a decoration from every royal concert hall that I've played in.

No, no, dad got it me to say, well done for playing.

All right, Giltram.

Oh, for God's sake.

Have a laugh once in your life.

I gave him one the same Christmas.

Really?

Yeah.

Have you got Sydney Operaus on there?

Oh, no.

What a smug little family.

Is that you on a bauble?

What's that one up there?

That's mozart

james i bought that with you when we were in salzburg

don't talk about trips i wasn't on

um every decoration on my tree has a story of course it of course it does of course it does no like there's no i bought six from tesco and that's why they're there of course every bauble tells i collect them levine all right i collect them no we're messing but it is a lovely tree james thank you very much well i thought you know festive let's get in the mood because we are reading yet another Christmas Belinda Adventure.

While we're thinking festively, was there a Christmas present that stands out from your youths that really made an impression?

I remember getting the Tracy Island one year.

Do you remember

Thunderbirds?

The Thunderbirds.

Because I'd made the Blue Peter version the year before.

I bet it looked lovely.

It was so shit.

That my parents bought me the real one the next Christmas.

Because they were quite sought after, though.

You couldn't get one for love no money.

They were the Buzz Light Year of the 80s.

I mean, the one that sticks out is getting a bike, and it sticks out because it was so badly wrapped.

I was like, Oh, Angelo, what could it be?

Two handles and wheels.

So, yeah, bike, I guess, is like the best.

Was it the best?

I can't remember what your question was.

Best present, yeah.

Yeah, the one that stood out.

I feel like you asked this so you could just tell us what yours was.

What was yours?

Yeah, well, I actually can't think what I got, but I certainly remember a particular Christmas list that I wrote.

Um, and as you can imagine, precocious and um demanding

sprouts

or seriously?

The recipe, by the way, that's all I want.

A bread machine.

I actually thought that you could ask for anything and it was free.

I guess when you're like six, you think that Santa's bringing it.

So I guess it is free in your mind.

Because obviously it's just your parents.

Not to shatter that illusion for anyone listening to.

I mean, if you're listening to this podcast and six years listening, you probably know that Santa's not real.

Your childhood's already ruined, so I think I got into my teens before I let go of Santa.

Are you fucking joking?

No.

Shut up.

What do you mean when you say let go?

Let go?

Am I saying this?

Were you in denial?

You were the older sibling too, so did your sister.

My sister told me.

I bet Kelly knew at like five.

Oh my god, your little sister being like, James, sit down and you've chosen me.

Yeah,

it was part like wanting to go on.

Like, I was just a child who loved the magic of it all.

James, you were a child.

I was just a university student that loved the magic of it all.

Was there a family intervention?

I thought, oh my god, did you believe in Santa when we met you?

No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no.

But did everybody gather around?

And then did you walk in the room and it was just loads of members of your family?

No, no, no.

My sister, like, just one day, like, offhand, was just like, James, you know, Santa's not real.

And I was like, of course not.

But yeah,

don't get me wrong, like, I had questions before I was kidding.

But I went, I just.

don't get me wrong I was curious

and I think I've said before like the handwriting on Santa's card looks suspiciously like my auntie's and things like that but I just went along with it because I liked it Jamie do you know the thing that worries me all he said is teen he hasn't said whereabouts whereabouts I said 12 or 13 I'm really starting to wish I hadn't said no one listens to this do they hopefully not not anymore a few years ago yes I can't believe you were at secondary school That could have been devastating.

James, edit this out.

Sounds like this.

I wish I controlled the edit.

So, um, there's a book, something, a chapter we're reading.

There is a chapter.

Do you know what?

Actually, I have to tell you something.

I'm just imagining James, like the day after Kelly told him, swinging into the room, like, guys, you know, Santa's not real.

Everyone's like, yeah.

Mum, sit down.

You're not going to believe this.

You never guess what I heard.

Can't say my sauce.

Your poor mother was like, finally, we don't have to fucking pretend this ridiculous pretense anymore.

James going to bed at 6 p.m.

She's like, it's fine.

Look, Rudolph has eaten the carrot, mother

angel like i can't bite into another mince pie and drink another bit of brandy

so what we have today i feel it needs a bit of explaining always bigger about the but even more than normal because dad's gone very um what's the word mad ambitious right

concerning yeah he's kind of written an epic which means like a whole book it's really fucking long so i think i'm not sure we're going to get it all in today

just to pre-warn you.

So what?

Split it.

Let's see how we go, but we might have to come back.

I'm up for two.

I've got nothing else to do.

I've got nowhere to be.

You've got today from me, and that's it.

She's a pissy one.

If you could whiz through it, that'd be fun.

Well, hopefully we will get it done, but if we don't, I'm just pre-warning you.

And the conceit.

Oh, that's

a conceit.

He doesn't know what a conceit is.

Lord above.

Sweet baby Jesus in that manger.

He's kind of based it on our family favourite Christmas movie.

Oh god, what?

Are we going to get sued?

I hope not.

What's it called, Agun?

The one about the old man and he's not nice.

What's that one?

Oh, it's Wonderful Life.

That's it.

Is that what it is?

It's called It's a Blinking Life.

Wow, he's really covered his bases there.

We can't have him for it.

Blinking light.

So have you both seen that movie?

Because if you haven't, this could be a very long day.

I saw it for the first time last year.

So it's about a guy who wishes he'd never been born and then he sees what the world would have been like if he had never been born.

So this is about Belinda.

Yes.

But to the tune of it's a wonderful life.

Indeed.

Bella's going to be like that little girl who's like, what did she say?

Every time a bell wings an angel gets his wings.

Yes.

God.

He's visited by his guardian angel basically.

Yeah, it's coming back to me.

I did watch it years ago, but I did fall asleep in a bit of it, so this will be a great reminder.

It is long.

It's long.

It's really long.

And so is this chapter.

Okay.

Are we ready?

So ready.

Merry Christmas, guys.

Merry Christmas, everyone.

Lovely to see you.

See you next Christmas.

This has become a tradition like no other.

This is a tradition that I've kept up more, probably, than any other Christmas tradition.

Yeah.

This I would not miss for the world.

Same.

I'm so excited to be here.

Yeah, it's a fun one, isn't it?

Okay.

Jamie wants to get in and get out.

He's glancing

pointedly at the clock.

He keeps being like,

we haven't started yet.

This fucking chapter is.

That's all.

Okay.

Belinda blinked.

It's a blink in life.

Snow is falling

all around me.

Children playing.

Okay, just copy the place to link.

Having fun.

This is not okay.

We are going to get complaints.

What is that?

That's a Merry Christmas, everyone.

Shaking Stevens.

So snow is falling all around me.

Children playing, having fun.

Belinda thought.

She thinks in song.

Belinda thought as she sat behind the wheel of her swank pants, Jaguar R-Reg, with regimented heat filtering.

But her mind...

was as mad as King George and as scared as a spice girl.

I'm sorry, what?

Scared as a spice girl?

She's scary, she's not scared.

Oh,

but King George was mad.

Mad.

Yeah, famously.

You see, she had stolen a couple of ink cartridges from Steele's pots and pans to print off her festive newsletter.

Oh, God.

A round robin.

Oh, to be on that mailing list.

You know, there's families that do newsletters at Christmas time.

All obsessed with them.

Gertrude has gone to university this year.

We're all very proud of her.

No one cares.

Are they a very British phenomenon?

Because do you receive one?

Yeah,

mainly like from people that we don't see anymore.

It's probably you know, clear in the title.

Did your family send one, Alice?

I feel like no, if everyone present, the Levins would be the ones to do it.

Okay, I resent that.

Sorry if we have a lot of news that we want to share with our loved ones.

Alice is doing her fifth Christmas session, like everyone.

We're all very proud of her.

She hopes to find another vehicle soon.

Yeah, they're always really pedestrian, aren't they?

It's always like, Linda got a new cookbook and she's really enjoying exploring some fantastic recipes.

It's like, oh.

Yeah, it's always people with no lives that share it with everybody that they don't know.

But they still managed to fill two sides of day four.

Like, how much fucking news have you got?

Hopefully, this year they'll be very short.

And also, everyone's pet gets their own paragraphs.

Oh, for sake.

I feel like we're all thinking of a very specific family that they receive it from.

And let's hope they're not listening to this.

So, Belinda's one of those people.

But then, hang on, Belinda's just sending her own.

about herself.

It's not even a family one.

It's just like, I'm fine.

Dear Diary.

Shagged a few people this year.

Here's the thing.

Oh, my God.

Yeah, that's what it'll be, won't it?

Naughty and nice.

So you see, she had stolen a couple of ink cartridges from Steele's pots and pans to print off her festive newsletter.

And that's what she's scared about.

It was wrong, Alice.

It is wrong.

Illegal, even.

And she was sure that Sir James would find out and fire her perfectly shaped ass cheek by cheek.

Jowl by jowl.

It goes straight to Sir James, does it?

When stuff like that happens.

When ink cartridges go missing.

I don't, I mean, I don't know how you feel, but I think that's part and parcel of working in an office.

Maybe not two cartridges.

I mean, how many is she printing off?

But like a few envelopes, a highlighter.

Yeah, but also, aren't they dealing with like corporate espionage and shit?

I think you feel like he's got bigger fish to fucking.

Where's the ink cartridges?

Also, she's fucking in the office.

That will be my first one.

Seriously.

She kept wishing.

She kept wishing she'd never been born.

And the snow, this is part of the.

Yeah, I saw it coming.

Thanks.

Sorry, the ink cartridges.

God, I'm wishing I'd never been born.

I'm such a bloody criminal.

She kept wishing she'd never been born, and the snow was as heavy as her luscious bosoms bouncing on each and every hump bump of the poorly maintained A-road of rural-ish Heathrow.

I beg your pardon, what?

Of ruralish Heathrow, not an area.

Also, not rural at all around Heathrow.

All I'm thinking is about.

Well, is it actually?

Maybe it is.

I mean, well, Heathrow is just the airport, so I don't know if you could describe it as an airport as rural.

It's a landing field, I guess.

There's some grass.

I suppose it's not in a highly built-up urban area because it's an airport.

All of a Christmas sudden.

Nice.

And through her guilty tears.

She's crying over it.

Belinda made a choice.

She quickly swerved off the South Perimeter Road and drove her future straight into the Longford River.

What?

This is the biggest overreaction.

I should say in the film, he he jumps in a river.

But because, like, isn't there a lot more build-up?

Like, his life's really gone to shit.

Yeah, there's like a good two hours worth.

Yeah.

As she slowly drowned in the polluted mess of a waterway not often used for swimming, let alone dying.

Is this water used for dying?

Not that often, no.

Someone grabbed her extended nipples and pulled her up the riverbank to safety.

Who's strolling around by ruralish Heath Row by the river to pull her out by a nips?

Well, James, when you should ask.

Opening her eyes, she was confronted by none other

than James Spooner.

Really?

You sure?

Famously dead, but cool.

Oh,

sorry, I'm twigging.

You're twigging.

I'm twigging.

Writer's note.

Note, everybody, we've got a writer's note.

Writer's note.

Spoons is now spelt with two zeros as he's no longer a double O agent and thus has no number.

What?

Let's just move on from the right.

When has he started slotting in writer's notes?

Well it is odd because James Spooner is spelt SP00NER.

So I think he feels a need to explain that.

Sorry, now he's not a double O agent.

He doesn't have a number but now he's got a number in his name.

It makes no sense.

So weird.

What a weird time we're living in.

Also the best stories are the ones that have to be explained additionally on the side.

You don't usually get a footnote in a novel, that's usually in an academic vis-a-vis.

By the way, the reason I've said this,

you might not have found this funny, but I'll tell you for why.

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Spoons?

I thought you were dead.

We all did.

She cluttered through bog water.

Cluttered.

Is that like she's got a bit of bog water mouth?

Same thing.

Close enough, I guess.

I am.

I'm your friend angel.

I've just twigged.

Yeah.

He's the one who's going to show her her life.

Sure, sure.

I just...

I just thought he'd ignored the fact that he was dead.

Which I won't put past him.

Also, barely reaction to being pulled out of a river by a ghost crying about stealing ink cartridges.

I am.

I'm your friend angel.

Not guardian, just friend.

Friend.

Friend angel, yeah, classic friend angel.

Belinda blinked.

Hooray!

Little sippy sip.

The bog water slowly drained out of her overworked orifices and Belinda Blumenthal.

She'd sucked it up in her orifices.

She'd been in there very long.

Image of it coming like out of her ears.

I didn't picture it coming out of her ears.

Oh yeah, you're right.

Drained out of her overworked orifices and Belinda Blumenthal shook her head, determined to finish it.

I'm truly fucked, Spoons.

And the fact that I'm seeing you talking to you is because I'm dead, isn't it?

So fuck off.

Such an unusual reaction to a guardian angel, friend angel.

And also the fact that she's come to terms with her death almost immediately.

Yeah, she really has.

And also, would you say fuck off to the one person that's there to guide you?

I'd be like, well, thank God you're here.

Spoons shifted uncomfortably on his strumming lyre and

a liar.

A liar.

Isn't that like an old oldie guitar?

It's like a half, isn't it?

Why has he got a sitar?

What is it?

Yeah, I think it isn't it, yeah.

Oh, so he's fully dressed as an angel.

Isn't it a liar?

Wait, what does Ravi Shankar play?

Liars are what's on the on like a Guinness, right?

Is that a liar?

Oh no, a bit harpy, okay.

Yeah, I think.

Also, did you say sitting on it?

It would be uncomfortable.

Well, I guess because like cherubs perch on on them don't they?

Oh yeah.

They're babies.

He's a full-grown man.

Yeah.

He's like in his 40s with a five o'clock shadow.

He probably still believes in Father Christmas.

Spoons shifted uncomfortably on his strumming lyre and answered through grated teeth.

This is so stupid.

What an image.

This is our favourite tradition.

Belinder.

You're not dead.

Oh gracious, this is even more poignant, isn't it?

What a beautiful tribute to Sean Connery.

Yeah, it's not what he would have wanted.

I think he lives on through Spooner, who is also dead.

Anyway.

Belinda, you're not dead.

It's just that you're not really alive either.

So she is dead.

Spoons trailed off lamely.

Thanks for the clarity, Jimbo.

Wondering if God was still in the office for a bit of an end-of-the-day chat.

The way that your dad thinks that not only the mortal world, but the celestial world is organised is incredible.

I feel like he's laying the groundwork for like a heaven spin-off, where like they're all in this office having a bad thing.

I'm here for it.

Belinda laughed and quickly replied,

You're dead.

I'm dead.

You're a dead loss.

Always have been.

I'm a dead thief.

Always wanted to be.

Well, you're not dead.

You've just been told you're between death and living.

Also, you haven't always wanted to be a dead thief.

When I was a little girl, all I wanted to be was a dead thief.

GG when you grow up.

Dead thief.

A thief and dead.

He has always been a dead loss, though, to be fair.

He is useless.

Can we have that line again?

That was fun.

Yes.

You're dead.

I'm dead.

You're a dead loss.

Always have been.

I'm a dead thief.

Always wanted to be.

I feel like he just did it for the rhythm.

The silence echoed around the muddy riverbanks.

Silence.

All she's done is gab.

Also, how does silence echo?

We haven't got time.

We're only four sentences in.

And the parody is really long, which is all I keep thinking.

Spoons had no answer.

Okay to explain your.

So, Belinda broke the silence after about five minutes.

Oh, that was you being silent.

It just was quite a long bit in the chapter.

That was beautifully performed because I actually thought he was looking for something.

Really nice.

Sorry, is there just like gaps on the page?

How big are we talking?

Oh, good page worth.

A page worth of gap.

So, what's the score?

Do we get luncheon vouchers for the canteen or is it just self-service?

Luncheon vouchers?

That's your first question.

Also, what's a luncheon voucher?

Is that even from this era or country?

That'll have to wait.

For now, we're going to take a little trip.

Hop onto the back of my liar.

It's not a vehicle.

It's an instrument.

Strum a D chord.

Don't knock the L off the learner plate.

Oh my my god, it's an E-class liar.

He's still learning to drive his liar.

Well, he's only recently dead, I suppose, isn't he?

To be honest.

Not how it works.

Yeah, sorry, Java, you're right.

So yeah, they put an L plate on his liar.

Yeah, what world are we doing?

And they're near an A road.

You know he's going to get on that A road.

So for now, we're going to take a little trip.

Hop onto the back of my liar.

Shrum a D chord.

Don't knock off the L for learner plate.

And we'll get going.

Also, can I just say, if I was Blinder, I'd be like, sorry, what's a D on a liar?

Yeah, there's a lot of assumed knowledge there.

You do know how to play a liar, right?

A strummer D.

Go.

What?

I'm not getting on that thing.

I thought you were an angel, Belinda protested.

I still need to get my wings.

Right, okay.

Why is the heaven world?

King James just put his hands together in prayer.

Help me, God.

Why is the heaven world more thought out than the Belinda Blink world?

So much detail.

There's so many rules and so much thought.

I I still need to get my wings.

You see, every time a bell end comes, an angel gets wings.

Oh, very good.

Very good.

Every time a bell end comes.

An angel gets his wings.

Yes.

A bell end comes.

A bell end.

Just the bell end.

Just the end.

Just the tip.

I'm waiting for mine.

So every time someone comes.

Somewhere a friend angel gets swings.

Oh, that must be happening a lot.

I was going to say, people come in last night and said it's Christmas time.

It's 20 as well.

I hope you think about that next time you have a sex.

No, don't, because the next time you're having sex, I'm going to think, oh, God, an angel's got his wings.

Oh, God.

No, don't.

Everyone who listens to this, genuinely, the next time you masturbate, have sex, you're going to be thinking it, I guarantee you.

That's really true.

That's really going to ruin a lot of fun.

Just a Bellen, though, right?

Not when a woman comes just a minute.

No, just a Bellen.

Just a Bellen.

Just a Bellen.

Belinda replied with a sour, whatever spoons, just make it snappy.

Spooner revved up the little 50cc lyre.

I was joking about e-glass, but we are actually getting a full spec.

And off they both chugged through a thick cloud bank of swirling mists.

Cloud bank.

It really evokes an image, doesn't it?

About non-existent cloud bank.

What's a cloud bank?

Suddenly the clouds cleared, like on a screensaver.

And Belinda...

What a screensaver!

On the screensaver of clouds, we presume like the Windows Media Player screensaver you got back in the day.

Yeah,

it did have clouds on it, didn't it?

There you go.

And Belinda could see Earth beneath her.

More than that, it was somewhere she loved to go.

It was the beloved Pentra Hotel of her glee team days.

Hang on, she's by Heathrow, and she's flown out of the atmosphere to go about half a mile.

If that, Pentra hotels bidey throw.

It is.

As the crow flies, not the quickest route.

Yeah, he needs a few more lessons, I would say.

Food and chardonnay, she instantly thought.

Spooner parked the lyre in the car park,

locked the steering, and they ambled into the Pentra's long bar.

I would say, how sad is it if you've died or nearly died and the thing that you miss is going to the Pentra?

But how much are you missing pubs?

Oh yeah, oh my god, so much.

So, actually, for once, I don't think that that's ridiculous.

I do think to just be sat in a pub with a pine

right now.

Oh, to be in the pentra at the long bar.

Paddy the barman.

Oh, what I wouldn't give.

Well, guys, you're there.

Paddy the Barman was on duty.

Of course.

Well, that's lucky.

And Belinda approached him with a big smile.

Paddy, she shouted, high-fiving him.

Paddy looked up from cleaning a glass and ignored her completely.

Can't see her.

So we're going to find out how Paddy the Barman's doing.

I would say, exactly the same.

Paddy, Gooey, higher, it's me, Belinda, you know, Steele's pots and pans.

Those officers just down the road.

Question: How long is she not going to get it for?

Because if it's any longer than this, I'm going to be livid.

He's already explained what he's doing there.

He's a friend angel.

So cotton on quick.

Paddy looked at her and then said to Spoons, Don't know what her game is, son, but Steele's pots and pans were absorbed into Bish Herstal five years ago.

So what's your poison?

So he didn't ignore her because he can't see her.

Just ignored her.

Fucking glued at the bar going, Cooey, hello.

Terrible barman just totally ignores his patrons.

Not to shatter the logic, but he can see her.

He also remembers her, so it's not like she didn't exist.

No, he's like, who's this woman?

Never seen her before.

So why would he give the update on

her?

She said, hey, Cooey, it's Linda, you know, from Steele's Pots and Pans down the road.

And he's like, I don't know what her game is, son.

But Steele's Pats and Pans were absorbed into Bisch Herschel long over five years ago.

Was he always Northern Irish, Paddy?

Don't know, but I'm making it up.

It's been a year.

I can't remember who's of one Irish.

He was certainly Irish, but I don't know if he's Northern Irish.

Wow, so Steele's is a subsidiary, not even like the controlling company.

It's just a branch of Bish.

Yeah.

Sorry, without Belinda, it would be some kind of concession.

Well, you think about it though, because Belinda.

Don't say you think about it.

Well, no, because you think about it, your brain explodes.

But she's the one that like got Helga from the FBI.

FBI it was all kind of

from the FBI

think about it that's what he says she's the one who got the order from the FBI

that Belinda like spearheaded the whole kind of to tackle the conspiracy I don't know he's full of shit absolutely full of it

what's your poison what's your point more like

spoons replied quickly Two tonic waters ice and lemon, please, Baraman.

You're both dead or nearly dead.

Get what you want.

Yes, exactly.

I bet it's because he's driving.

That's fine.

Belinda blinked.

Several fan.

Belinda blinked.

Cheers.

But Paddy, Paddy Coo, don't you recognise me?

Belinda, look.

Belinda immediately pulled off her jacket and blouse and threw her bra behind Paddy.

She swiggled her wonderful tits in front of his nose and squealed, surely you recognise me now.

She's going to get arrested.

God, you've oggled these tits so many times.

It doesn't bear thinking

Paddy reacted suddenly.

Now, none of this sort of lewd behavior in this hotel, madam.

I try to run a porn-free environment, thank you.

Porn-free.

So, without Belinda, there'd be no porn.

That's the thing, yeah.

This whole world doesn't really operate with the same rules at all.

Get out now.

Oh, wow, this has escalated.

Paddy threw Belinda's bra back over the bar.

And what's more, you barred for life.

Oh, my God.

We don't want your shortened hair fidgeting with my irregulars.

You'll have me in jail.

Out.

Why does everyone think they're going to jail?

Belinda blinked again.

I love that Belinda's still just not getting it.

Spoons put the now half-naked Belinda on the back of his lyre and sped out of the Pentra car park as fast as he could.

What a useless trip.

Belinda was moaning.

Ambition steals.

How did this ever happen, Spoons?

So she does understand that bit.

Yeah, something got in.

But Belinda, you told me you didn't want to work for Steels.

You wanted to be dead.

Actions have consequences.

If you're gonna steal two cartridges, the whole company will go to pot.

Can't you see it now?

But Belinda was in denial.

It was all a dream, and she'd wake up with a massive Xmas hangover.

A massive boner.

Spooner's 50cc liar stop it stop stop giving stop it's like Mario car you know when they drive like really bizarre vehicles Spooner's 50cc liar unsteadily hovered over the Steel's pots and pans car park

well actually it was a bomb blast site Tony's Jaguar had just blown up as everyone had rushed out of the offices very soon after an anonymous warning had been received so sorry sorry, just get my head around this.

Yeah.

We've gone back in time,

which I didn't know the liar could do, by the way.

50cc goes back in time.

To the bomb.

To the bomb, but the bomb wouldn't exist in this reality because Bish already owned the whole thing with the bomb was.

It's taken over five years ago.

Yeah, so we've just gone.

Are we in like some sort of multiverse?

What the fuck is going on?

So, yeah, if it's an alternate universe,

there wouldn't have been any Helga blueprints, any of that.

I mean, would Toffee Apple Chew even be in this world?

Oh, my God.

Oh, God, let's hope so.

But that has happened, apparently.

That still happened somehow.

We're now in a world where that has happened exactly.

And where's Slints?

All I hope is that he's safe, okay?

Wherever he is.

I only wish he was.

My God, breathed Belinda.

Oh, God, we were all so lucky to have survived.

All?

Asked Spoons tersely.

You're sure about that?

In an instant.

I love how clever he thinks he's being,

it just makes no sense,

also because she's not getting it, so he's like, have another look, and she's like, what?

In an instant, the scene changed in multicoloured hues to that of a hospital ward, right in front of a sign that read Fertility Clinic.

Exposition isn't as easy as you think.

Oops, wrong floor.

Chuckle speaks.

Oh, for God's sake.

Oh, love a little red herring.

Little gag.

Little Christmas.

Cheer for us from.

Oops, wrong floor.

Chuckled spoons.

But Belinda stopped him, revving up the chord C.

She's apparently really proficient now.

Prodigy.

Did not know she was a liner player, so.

No, no, wait, she said.

For there.

For there.

There.

For there.

For there.

For there.

Sounds like for there.

Are you saying feather?

For there.

For there.

For there.

You know, when you say something too much, you might forget the meaning.

Semantic satiation, yeah.

Consider this your sign to skip the what's for dinner debate tonight.

Outback Steakhouse has a three-course meal starting at just $14.99.

Start with soup or salad, then take your pick of down-under entrees, like our juicy towering burger or flame-grilled shrimp.

And for dessert, New York-style cheesecake, plus $8 cocktails all day, every day.

Three courses, starting at $14.99.

Tell the group chat you'll see them at Outback.

Price and participation may vary.

For there, sitting there, nervous as a couple of virgins,

sat Peter and Christina Rouse.

In the fertility clinic, okay.

Bear in mind me we're going to skip past this so this can't be important because she said no actually let me look

there we're going somewhere else so this isn't part of her education this isn't part of showing her what would have happened this is just by the by so this is not going to be important

they were sobbing into each other in Dutch obviously out of their depth obviously Belinda approached them now knowing the score I cannot wait to hear Rocky deal with what I imagine is going to be quite an emotional, delicate subject of difficulty with fertility.

Excuse me, lovely couple who I've ever met.

She winked to Spoons.

Smooth.

Oh, yeah, good one, B.

May I ask the source of your problem?

No, you may fuck off.

Who are you?

The couple looked up at this stunning stranger.

It is me.

I'm afraid, miss.

I'm impotent.

Peter Rouse is impotent.

Oh, is that all?

Belinda shrugged.

I work with loads of impotent people.

I wouldn't worry.

How does she know?

What's going on?

No,

cried Christina.

He can't get it up.

Right.

Okay.

Bear with it, guys.

Come on.

Okay, keep going.

Keep this train on the track.

Christmas cheer, Christmas chill.

Holidays are coming.

Holidays are coming.

Oh, God, you must believe in it.

You must believe in it.

So basically, when Peter has sex in this universe, no friend angels are getting their wings.

No, not one.

And she's upset and they're sobbing in Dutch.

Belinda was amazed.

How could this be the same Peter Rouse who fucked her senseless in a medium-sized maze?

Because we're in an alternative reality.

What don't you get, Belinda?

You fucking idiot woman.

Sorry.

Also, why is that the thing that shakes her from her belief system?

Like, she's fine with Steel's been part of Bish.

She's fine flying on a liar.

But as soon as Krita can't get a boner,

what's happening?

How could this be the same Peter Rouse who fucked her senseless in a medium-sized maze?

But she kept her corporate cool.

Oh, have no fear, madam.

May I try something on your hub?

Oh, my God.

Can I just say the dialogue is even weirder than usual?

Like the way they're talking to each other.

May I try something on your hub?

She spoke, sure as a soothsayer.

Anything!

We're desperate.

Who's that?

The Rouse has said in unison.

Oh, God.

We put that together.

Let's hope they never speak in unison ever again.

Should we do it Al?

So you're Christina and Peter.

Anything we're desperate?

Anything we're desperate.

Okay.

Analyzing with desperate.

Smiling, Belinda pulled up her festive mini skirt and showed Peter her fleshy fruit of fertility.

Her fleshy fruit of fertility.

Not terrible, actually.

Rubbing it in, though, in a fertility clinic.

She's rubbing it in.

Oh, sorry, sorry, sorry, sorry.

Yeah, a little bit insensitive.

Oh, my wood.

I feel something, Peter exclaimed.

This is so deeply offensive.

The suggestion being that their fertility issue is that Christina can't make Peter half.

Yeah.

And that all that was required was for him to look at someone sexy.

That's not a fertility issue.

A fertility issue isn't like, yeah, we've done the test.

You don't fancy your wife.

Your wife's a minger.

Nothing we can do about that, I'm afraid.

Plastic surgery?

We think a rhinoplasty and an eyelift, and then you should be able to have twins.

Either you go blind or she changes her face completely.

You choose.

Belinda blushed while taking his long Dutch donkey dick in her lady hands

and brushing it against her bush.

Straight into that fruit salad.

Peter's friend tingled and thumped from stump to tip.

Sorry.

What's Peter's friend?

His penis.

His angel friend, yeah.

His angel friend.

His angel friend.

His little angel friend.

Belinda smiled at passing patience as she began working his prick in her lady hands.

Afternoon, how are you?

It's a rather unorthodox treatment that we offer here.

His thick outer skin decorated with.

Thick?

Why is it so thick?

Thick outer skin.

Like an armadillo.

Banana skin.

His thick outer skin decorated with bulging worms of blood.

Oh my word.

Worms of blood.

Worms of blood.

Does he mean veiny?

I guess.

Worms of blood.

His thick outer skin, decorated with bulging worms of blood.

Fucking hell.

Moved up and down with each motion.

It took an age, as if she were shaking hands with every board member of a Fortune 500 company.

It's so unrelatable.

I mean, all of this is unrelatable, but who's about to go...

Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah, now I can picture it.

Peter became a bit wobbly as he sensed a volcanic eruption from his boulders.

Oh my god, if he hasn't come in a while, she's going to drown.

They better make a call to the wing factory.

There's going to be a big organ.

Like flying ant season, really.

As he sensed a volcanic...

Let's get on to air traffic control because let me tell you, the skies are going to be full.

That's very funny.

Flying ant season.

I'm writing that down.

That was a good one.

As he sensed a volcanic eruption from his boulders, he began grunting words with a native flourish.

Is

in

Kurtzwander.

Oh, is that Dutch?

Yeah, would you want to maybe.

Did you say Kuntzwander?

Because then I think I know what it means.

I can Google it, Jamie, but I almost don't want to know.

Do you need the spelling?

Of course I do.

So H-E-T.

H-T.

H.

I didn't expect H.

It's detected Dutch.

Good news, everyone.

Next word, word, R-S is.

Oh, right, sorry, right, fine.

Okay, so far we've got it is.

Next word, E-E-N.

A.

And then, okay, it is a.

And then next word.

This is the one we're worried about.

Yeah, this is the one I couldn't work out.

K-E-R.

S-T-W-O-N-D-E-R.

W-O.

Wonder.

I'll wonder.

It's a Christmas wonder.

Couldn't agree more.

It's a Christmas wonder.

Oh, that's quite a fun bit of language.

Het is in Kurstwunder.

That's lovely.

Nice.

And now say it as if you're coming.

Het is in Kurstwunder.

I mean, that's not me.

That's an impression.

For the record.

So, maybe, James, do you want to just do that again?

And then I'll be Belinda.

So you're Peter.

You're meeting me, Peter.

Nice.

I'm going to be really embarrassed if I get turned on.

Go on.

Het is in Kurstwunder.

Excuse me, Chris.

Can I bring you a handbag?

He's coming in the handbag, requested Belinda between wanks.

Excuse me, Chris.

Can I bring you a hand?

I'm just wipe it off her husband.

Sorry, can I just bring her a wet wipe?

Because this is going to blow.

The indignity of it.

I'm making your husband come, who you've not been able to make come for however long, and it's going to come in your handbag.

Of course, Mrs.

Rouse replied, handing over her Christmas pudding-shaped bag.

Well, at least she's keeping it cheery in these difficult times.

I would question where Christina's spunk's gone.

She used to have, you know, something about her.

Yeah, she showed her ass.

She did.

Just as she handed it over, Peter served his own special brandy sauce.

Oh, would you stop it?

Pumping it from the slit into the bag.

Into the bag.

Into the handbag.

And a bit over it in the most traditional fashion.

So she's got a handbag full of...

A Christmas pudding handbag full of jizz.

Well, maybe that's what they want, to be fair.

Belinda turned to look at spoons expectantly.

No wings.

Damn, she thought.

No wings.

Oh, somebody else got them.

So Belinda's mission now is to wank off as many men as she can so that Scooby gets his wings.

Oh, no, isn't she just trying to help them out?

You know how I thought it was going to be like, it's a wonderful life.

This is veered way off path.

Yeah.

It's just going to be a wank fest then.

It's a wank fest.

What we're looking at here is a two-part wank fest.

I really hope you've not tuned in for anything else.

Part two.

And she wanked him off.

Well, so that's yours now.

So do with that what you will.

Good luck.

So does she think they're going to use use the sample that's been provided that's in the pudding bag and they're going to go back into we presume the doctor's office and be like

think we're all right if you could just give us a funnel or whatever you do it with

turkey baster.

Turkey baster, yeah, very festive.

You know when people say a turkey baster

they don't actually mean a turkey.

I don't really know what a turkey baster is.

It's like a big pipette, isn't it?

What they squeeze there.

Yes, you like pull it up.

That can't be the most technical or most effective mechanism, surely, anymore.

What would you use now?

Like a straw, like blow through a straw.

Oh yeah, that's the technology, yeah.

Like a pea shooter.

I don't even know why I asked.

Good luck, she shouted as she and Spoons took the liar to the next floor.

They were suddenly in a beautifully decorated in barrow and fall paints

private hospital room.

Sir James Godwin was sparing no expense.

for one of his key account managers.

So this is the important bit.

What we've just experienced was like just kind of filler or or kind of a bit of colour.

And now this is going to be a really important life lesson.

You know how we talked about how this chapter was really long?

I'm already finding bits we can just cut.

We can just like fucking pull out.

If we started here, we've missed nothing.

Yes, Bella Ridley lay there,

stricken from the after effects of the bomb blast.

planted by George Sylvester in cahoots with the special one, none other than Giselle Marscharkova de Klotz, nay Sylvester.

We love a recap.

Again though, refer to earlier comment, doesn't make sense.

Bella was in a coma.

Make of that what you will.

Little Hope was present in the room.

That's the spirit, guys.

I'm imagining a monitor with like heart rate and then one that just says hope and it's like do

Little Hope was present in the room where her besties were gathered.

Des Martin, Ken Jewsbury.

These are Bella's besties.

Benny, her brother.

Oh, shout out to Benny.

Bella's mum and dad.

The pub would remain closed this Christmas.

That's very good of them in her honour as their daughter is dying in bed.

The pub would remain closed this Christmas whilst the Close family dealt with a potential tragedy.

To be fair, all pubs are closed this Christmas, so they're not.

Do you know what?

It's the first time I've ever wanted to be in the Belinda Blink World.

I'm like, oh, they sound very close to each other.

That sounds lovely.

The vital organs monitor was a racket going beep, beep, beep.

But the silence was broken.

I don't think it's a vital organs monitor.

I think it's a heart monitor, but it's not like kidneys, liver.

Also, it's a racket.

Also, the only thing that's saying that they're alive.

Quite that down, please.

Is there a mute on this?

Turn it off.

But the silence was broken as the door opened and Dr.

Studd walked in.

But studd wasn't an ordinary doctor.

She was a coma specialist and she had a job to do.

She slowly went over to the life support machine device and switched off the machine.

Okay, that's one method.

Belinda.

Well, because it was beeping, sorry.

Because it's an annoying beep.

Bella Ridley was dead.

Oh my gosh.

Oh,

I thought she was like, this is an experimental approach.

I switch it off, switch it on again.

Alice, Bella's dead.

Happy Christmas.

Thank you so much.

This is a Christmas miracle.

This is a...

Oh, a curse funder.

A curse funder.

That might be a good place to pause proceedings.

Sorry, I mean, that's me being glib.

Like, this is quite shocking, obviously.

Alice, we're in some weird.

Don't worry too much.

She'll probably wake up in the next sentence.

Can you imagine, though, if you just walked into a room as a doctor?

So all of her best friends, Nat, are there.

Her parents, Benny, thank God.

You just wander over and switch it off.

You wouldn't say a word.

Yeah.

Well, she's a specialist.

She knows what she's doing.

Excuse me, guys.

You've chosen a little cliffhanger moment there, yeah.

It's the best.

She's going to go.

I mean, walking over and stopping there and hovering by the lifeboard machine would have been a cliffhanger.

I mean, we've dropped off the cliff, haven't we?

Yeah, she's dead.

Yeah.

It's a very rocky way to deal with a cliffhanger.

Give you the reveal.

Oh, that was fun.

Yeah, so come back.

They're going to come back.

After that.

Well, you two are coming back.

Whether anybody else will join us in that is up to them.

Next week?

Yeah, should we do another pawno Monday?

Yeah, fuck it.

Why not?

That's the spirit.

No, more than ever before, what else have we got to do?

Yeah, well, exactly.

That's true.

So.

To clarify, there's another half of that.

Yes.

Which did feel long, and it was just half.

Don't see.

But you say there's more.

Wow.

Yeah, that's what I mean.

Wow.

We can't do it all in one.

Well, there was a page, Alice, of just pause.

If you don't know what it is.

I'm hoping most of it to come is just pause.

Right.

Okay.

So Porno Monday's back for another time.

Yeah, absolutely.

Let's do it.

Let us know what you thought of this mess.

Should I come?

Can I call it a mess?

Usual ways.

What is it?

Twitter at dadrota.

I've forgotten them, to be honest.

At dadroot or porno?

Instagram at my dadrota.

You could email us.

Drop us a text.

I don't know.

I mean, all the normal ways, you know how to.

If you don't know by now what you're playing at, if this is the first introduction you've got to my Davreta porno,

why have you lasted this far?

Absolutely ludicrous.

And when you listen to part two, we're also going to announce when we're coming back for book six.

Yes, we are.

Very exciting.

There have been a lot of emails and a lot of DMs about what it is.

Do you know what?

It's the vaccine we all bloody need.

And just like the actual vaccine, it's taken a year to happen.

We've been in development, and it is 100% effective at making you sick.

And speaking of it being such a shocking year for everybody, we thought we would do our little bit to put some good back in the world.

Yes, it's important at Christmas time, particularly.

Yes, so we thought we would raise some money for the charity Med Sin Sans Frontières.

Beautifully pronounced.

I don't know if it was.

Med Saint Saint-Frontière, or Doctors Without Borders.

And they work in over 65 countries delivering emergency medical care to to vulnerable people, which is obviously extremely important right now.

Absolutely.

They're experts in working in pandemics, epidemics, everything that the past year basically has been about.

They do all kinds of things.

So, whatever it is you feel you can give, it will make a massive difference.

The best way we thought to do that was that you guys go to their website.

Oh, Alice, what is the website?

I'll write it down.

Well, it's msf for medsams on frontier.org.uk.

Oh, that's so easy.

You can make a donation there, whatever you can afford, whatever suits you, we would really appreciate it.

Then just email us the confirmation of your donation and we will enter you into a very special raffle to get a bespoke message from guess who?

Well, it's just from the three of us, but that's quite exciting, right?

You can do it for you, you can do it for somebody that loves my dad rotoporno, whatever you want.

Am I doing the T's and C's?

You're so good at them.

Oh, thanks, guys.

So, you need to email us the screen grab to mydadrotoporno at gmail.com.

You've got until 11:59 on Sunday, the 13th of December.

British time, British, yes, we mean GMT, BST, who knows?

And include in the subject line MSF donation.

We'll choose 10 winners at random, so keep an eye on your inbox.

Specifically on your junk mail, because it's weird how our email address goes into junk, isn't it?

Check your spam, check your spam.

We'll get the ball rolling with a donation of £10,000, so please do give whatever you can.

And just one more time, the website is msf.org.uk, and there's a big red button that says donate on the homepage.

So see you next Monday for It's a Blinkin' Life Continued.

Now, in the words of Paddy the Barman YouTube, this is a porn-free zone.

Get the hell out.

And we're back live during a flex alert.

Dialed in on the thermostat.

Oh, we're pre-cooling before 4 p.m.

folks.

And that's the end of the third.

Time to set it back to 78 from 4 to 9 p.m.

Clutch move by the home team.

What's the game plan from here on out?

Laundry?

Not today.

Dishwasher?

Sidelined.

What a performance by Team California.

The power truly is ours.

During a flex alert, pre-cool, power down, and let's beat the heat together.