Footnotes: Dear Joan & Jericha

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Merry Christmas, and welcome to a very special festive footnotes of my dad, wrote a porno.

On this joyous Christmas day, we are joined by the outrageous and legendary Agony Aunts Joan Damri and Jerrica Domain, authors of the hilarious Why He Turns Away, Do's and Don'ts from Dating to Death, and their award-winning comedy podcast, Dear Joan and Jerica.

Hello, hello.

Ding-dong, merrily on high.

How are you?

How are you both?

Fantastic.

Absolutely fantastic.

Stuff to the gills.

Yes.

I've had 17 schooners of sherry and

just having another champagne now.

Yes, it's gorgeous.

Wonderful.

Do you both enjoy this time of year?

I love it.

I mean, I love to wear my most slutty outfits at this time of the year, as you can see.

And

yeah, just make a day of it, really, Crimball Day.

I'm not so keen, unfortunately.

Cardinal has about 37 people that she invites around, and she said she's not going to let coronavirus stop her Christmas.

Thank you very much.

So I've got a house full of guests, and I'm basically going around clothed in a big, a sort of giant plastic bag with holes in it to try and keep off some of this blooming virus.

But anyway,

she's lording it down in the basement with Lord knows what.

So all a bit grim.

Wonderful.

Well, you're both doing a very good thing today because you're offering your professional expertise to help both us, but also the listeners who've been sending in their wide-ranging concerns and conundrums.

Yeah, we've had a lot of problems sent in and we didn't realise quite how messed up our audience was and they really, really need your help today.

So, I'm really glad you're here.

Oh, absolutely.

I mean, there's so many troubled people out there, and Christmas Day really brings out the bigger issues for everybody.

Yes, and lots of nasty infections and what have you tend to develop around this time of year as well.

They will flare up over Christmas dinner, yeah.

They fester, don't they?

Because people keep their houses so warm, and yeah, there's a lot going on.

Um, but we thought we would kick off with something a bit closer to home, actually.

Yeah, because you know, from the day day dot, really, from this podcast, Alice and James have really recommended me to talk to somebody about the fact that my dad has written a porno, you know.

And I've been reading his sexual fantasies.

I don't like the F-word, but fantasies for over five years now.

I'm just worried, is this going to have long-term psychological damage?

I think it's actually very, very healthy.

I mean, I love your dad's writing for one thing.

I think it's absolutely gorgeous.

And I've certainly used it in many of my lovemaking sessions.

Oh, really?

Absolutely.

It's stunning.

And I think, don't you, Jerica, that

it's a good thing for a father and son to share this kind of thing.

Oh, absolutely.

I mean, we know very many, don't we, Joan, very many fathers and sons who swap pornographic literature,

obscene videos,

opinions about other people's girlfriends and wives.

I think it's all terribly healthy and just keeps the whole sort of

life cycle moving, as it were.

And of course, a lot of mums teach young lads about

these sort of things as well.

So, you know, parents can get involved, the more the merrier.

Yes, get your mum to write a porno.

Oh, I don't think that's going to be happening anytime soon.

Well, am I writing and thinking that one of you have written erotic literature?

Yes, I've penned a few in my time, and yes, so I'm all for it, absolutely.

Is there anything that Jamie should avoid, or you think, just being an open mind, you think actually that the more that they can share in that department, the better?

I do, I think so.

Yes, yes.

Absolutely.

And I think, in fact, if Jamie, you started writing perhaps some letters to your father explaining what your own personal fantasies are, and it could be a healthy, red-blooded exchange of thoughts and feelings.

You know, men are very, very shy often about their own proclivities, shall we say.

And it's wonderful to get to that level of communication.

Yeah, it's definitely opened up the dialogue between us about many things.

So it's been nice to bond with him, for sure.

And Christmas Day is a day when you could maybe take a bath with him or something like that.

Yes, absolutely.

Thank you for that image, Joan.

That's lovely.

Yeah, I'll come back to you on that one, Joan.

Thank you.

But we do have listener problems.

Yeah, that was simply a little freebie that we thought we'd throw in there while we had you here.

But, um, we should jump into the listener thoughts and questions.

Um, and this one comes from, we'll just say Lydia.

Lydia writes, I have vaginismus, which means my body doesn't really want anything going into my vag.

Kind of makes my sex life a little drab.

Any advice on how to spice things up without having a lot of unnecessary pain?

So, this condition that we pronounce vaginismus or vaginissimissimus, which is uh the more extreme version.

The sister version.

Yes, that's uh again, this time of year it can really take off um when the vagina just clamps completely shut like a vice, doesn't it?

With anything.

Yes, and uh we've talked about this before, and there's also vagin musnus, which is a condition which uh unfortunately a lot of feminists suffer from these days.

Miserable vagina, really.

Yeah, it's miserable.

Sounds very Christmassy.

We wish you were vaginismus.

Yes, a little uh certainly mistletoe and mustiness.

It's a sort of combo of those two things really, isn't it?

Yeah, sadly, we do know a lot of ladies with this vaginismus, or as Joan says, this vaginismusmuspus.

And often there's a condition, which is another condition very much related to this, which is vagidente mismus nisness.

With the toothy vagina.

Indeed, where the vagina actually grows teeth.

And that, of course, is quite a troubling thing for a young fellow when he's nudging around there with his engorged organ and suddenly gets the end snipped off.

A bit of a nasty surprise.

But yes, this Lydia Lydia lady,

I think probably the truth is that she's trying to put men off.

She's probably subconsciously not really wanting intercourse and urgently needs to go to her GP to get some

therapy.

She does say in her longer letter that I've just snatched to have a quick look at that she has tried lots of carrots, different veg and so forth going up there.

Do you think that's a good idea, Jerrica?

Well, absolutely.

I mean, we know the old aubergine trick, don't we, Joe, where you use one end, the smaller end, and then gradually work up to use the larger end.

You can use common gourds for this, of course, as well, and pumpkins if you're feeling adventurous.

Also, something you often recommend is to sort of woo yourself, isn't it?

And sort of light a few candles.

This is a lovely day to have a glass of bubbly and

just start smearing sort of oils over yourself.

And that might get that...

door, that downstairs door opening up a wee bit.

These wonderful she butters and

you'd use Cornish butter if you haven't got any she butter.

Lovely with big lumps of salt in it.

I suppose it's like oil on a hinge, isn't it?

You're just trying to sort of loosen

that.

WD-40, really.

We've also spoken before that the clitoris hangs off a hinge.

So there are hinges down there if you care to look.

And today's a good day to treat it, I suppose, because there's a lot of root vegetables around the house,

a lot of oils and butters like you were mentioning earlier.

Absolutely.

And there's all those veg that people eat.

Brandy butter.

Brandy butter, all the sprouts that no one wants to eat.

You know, you can make use of all these things, get them in carsnips, chuck it all in, have a go, and just don't be so uptight about it.

I mean, she's obviously a very uptight lady.

Lydia, I hope that helps.

I feel like there's a lot of practical advice there.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

I hope she was taking notes.

There's a lot of uh, yeah, lovely.

Um, the next conundrum is anonymous.

Um, it says, My husband and I play alphabet fucking.

We choose a letter of the alphabet and we have to choose a sex act beginning with that letter.

It's my turn.

I picked Zed and I'm stuck.

Any ideas?

And that's from Anon.

That's from Anon, yeah.

What do you think, Joe?

Well, funny, you should ask me.

I was going to pop it over to you.

But

the first thing that springs to mind probably is the old

zebra whack, which

I think you, I know you've had a lot of experience with that.

Yes, absolutely.

Well, then, of course, Philip came back with this idea of this zebra whack.

He'd been over in Africa, on the African continent to do some charity work.

And he came back and he was very excited and said, Could we try this zebra whack out and uh it turns out it's very closely related to the donkey punch um only you put on a stripey jumper um and uh and bend over and uh you know philip uh had an iron bar i seem to remember but he didn't use it too too it wasn't too harsh he did a tattoo with it a few times and then yes

that's it and when i came to um i'd had six orgasms apparently so um it really does work

yes yes wonderful so they could try that um zoo sex of course you just go around a zoo and have sex in front of monkeys.

They're always keen to show off their genitals, aren't they?

Absolutely.

And I always feel so included with the monkeys because they'll throw bananas and feces at the glass panel.

And

you know, they're bearing their teeth.

I think they're smiling when they do that.

Someone said it's them being very angry and aggressive, but

it's the same flip of the other coin, isn't it?

Just as we know.

I love it when a man bears his teeth during sex.

So absolutely.

Yes, and eats an apple like the monkeys do and then ejaculates onto the glass in the front of the the the the zoo cage.

But yes, wonderful.

Lots of fun to be had around a zoo.

Other than that, go to Zimbabwe.

Oh yes.

It's more of a travel tip than a sex tip, isn't it?

But yeah.

Good of both.

Good of both.

That's I've never heard of that alphabet sex.

So when you get to Z, do you just start from the beginning again, or that's it?

You're just yeah, there'd be a few letters I'd struggle with.

X would be another one.

That's um Q might be difficult.

Quick, quickie, quiet.

Quiet.

You're absolutely right, Quiet.

Queasy.

Queasy sex.

Queasy sex, one of my favorites on a boat.

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Well, Anonymous, I hope that helped.

Next up, ladies, we have this from Brenda.

Okay, so Brenda says that she purposefully doesn't invite guys back to her place because if we have sex, my pets will either stare at us doing it, or if I lock them outside the door, they'll scratch and scream outside wanting to be let in.

How can I still have sex whilst keeping my pets?

Well very curious that she doesn't want her pets to be in the room.

If they're staring that's incredibly normal.

I think that's a minimal interaction from the pets really considering.

Yes.

I mean she doesn't say what these pets are.

I do know that for example if there are goldfish involved they will have forgotten that anything is going on by the time they've swung around the aquarium anyway so there's nothing to worry about there.

If it's hamsters, small pets, they can just roll around on the bed and join in.

Can't see it.

Absolutely.

If it's an elephant, he'll never forget.

So obviously, that's

not ideal if it was too frightening.

Yes, and the camel will have the hump.

But yes, I don't know.

I mean, a lot of people very much enjoy having their, if it's if it's a little pet dog jumping around.

Yeah, they get all excited, don't they?

And the wee lipstick penis pops out, and everybody's romping around the place.

Just lots of licky business and good boy chocolate drop fun to be had.

So I'd say let them join in.

So you'd say it's a compliment.

I think so.

I mean the scratching at the door, again, that can be quite erotic.

My husband used to do that when I locked him out when I brought lovers back and I'd hear him scratching and knocking away at the door.

That was part of the fun, wasn't it?

It's wonderful.

It just ramps up the tension, really.

I mean, is there something a little bit selfish about sort of locking them out?

I mean, that's...

I think so.

I think so.

It's not inclusive, is it?

I mean, don't have pets if you're not going to involve them.

Yes, if you've got them, it's like children.

I'm not saying they should be invited into the room, but

although they don't usually know what's going on as long as they're asleep, but perhaps we won't go there.

But with the animals, I do think

it's just nice to have them in, isn't it?

I'll say a dog's not just for Christmas, and it feels like, you know, if you're going to welcome them into your home.

Yeah, three's company, you know, even if one is an Alsatian.

I mean, people sleep with their dogs, don't they?

They have them in their bed, snuggle up.

And so, you know, one thing can lead to another.

And they're not shy, these dogs.

You know,

they often can

be quite a good icebreaker, can't they, Joan?

You know, they'll do things that you wouldn't even imagine.

Yeah.

They won't bat an eyelid.

And they won't look at you in an embarrassed way the next day either.

No, they'll just do their usual lovely little look, won't they?

Those lovely dogs.

They're so unjudgmental.

Indeed.

I'm like Brenda by the sounds of it, to be honest.

Yes, oh dear, oh dear.

Advice seems to be get over yourself and just bring them in.

The more the merrier.

Yes, absolutely.

I think also sometimes with these queries and these questions, people are overthinking it.

I think so.

It's the clarity that you two bring, you know, your expertise less natural.

And I think sometimes people just want the permission from us to say,

go for it.

Go for it.

And I think that's what you do.

Absolutely.

Good luck, Brenda.

The next one, this one comes from Catherine.

And Catherine says, first name only, please.

So we've honoured that, Catherine.

What is her surname, incidentally?

Surname's Johnson.

Oh, hello there, Catherine Johnson.

Catherine Johnson.

And it looks like she lives in Devon.

Oh, hello.

So she says, my husband and I are trying to conceive, which means a lot, a lot of sex, usually during a window of five days.

How do you keep it fun and not just something that has to get done?

Oh, goodness.

These ladies are so very selfish, aren't they?

Joan, I mean, you know,

she should be having regular sex with her husband, not just these five days.

Well, exactly, all the time, anyway.

Plenty of war or plenty of anal

and everything in between.

I noticed as well in the longer letter that is this lady called Catherine, did you see?

Catherine, Catherine Johnson, that was it.

Her mother's quite interesting looking lady.

I'm thinking perhaps she might

join in and certainly

conduct the proceedings somewhat.

She may be able to help, maybe take some photographs.

She says in the longer letter she's been wearing lots of different masks and what have you, but that doesn't seem to be working.

No, face masks, you mean, Joan or?

No, just masks of celebrities, masks of other people he knows that she thinks he likes.

You know, she's aware that he fancies lots of other people and he said he doesn't fancy her at all no well that's tricky isn't it i mean i don't blame him she's a funny looking lady isn't she she's got a picture there the mum the mum actually joan is a much nicer looking lass isn't she

yes she's had some work done thank goodness and uh she might be halfway decent she might have dealt with the crossed eyes but she's she's nice looking generally

she's had some nips and tucks hasn't she but this poor old uh well i've forgotten her name catherine zeta jones was it catherine johnson i beg your pardon

um Yes, down in Devon.

Lovely down in Devon, of course.

That's a nice place to be.

Does it say in the longer letter?

You said she uses celebrity masks.

Does it say who she's using?

Well, this is a problem.

She's using,

she had some leftover ones, so she had Boris Johnson and people like that.

It's Charles.

Apparently, the Boris one did work, funnily enough.

But yes, and then she's trying, you know, everyone from Little Mix right the way through to Carol Vordeman.

A lot of guys like her, of course.

Yes, she's a very sexy lady.

Yes, yes.

And of course, Alfie Bow is a firm favourite, isn't he?

For a

celebrity mask.

And then some of the old ones, Cliff Richard,

Gary Glitter, firm favourite.

Again, she said that was quite effective.

So there's lots of options available to Catherine, really.

And I think she's probably just focusing her time thinking about her, isn't she?

I think there's a common theme here amongst all these ladies writing in, a sort of negativity, a sort of, I can't do it.

Oh, I've got to do five days of scheduled sex, or oh, my vagina's closed up.

You know, it's about stepping outside, for goodness sake, pulling your socks up and just getting on with things.

Oh, your stockings, yes, your stockings.

And please wear stockings, ladies.

None of these stinky tights all sweaty around your crotches.

No, and clinging on to the poor old vaginas, not got a hope.

You know, no wonder this first lady had vaginismusmus, and you know, she's no doubt bundled up with all sorts of layers of chunky tights and woolly thises, and goodness knows.

I mean, you know, getting all these awful, ghastly infections, and

their own worst enemies, aren't they?

Absolutely, and a lot of these women they stuff their pants with these sort of woollen sanitary towels, these big bricks, don't they?

Just for no particular reason, really.

No, even when they don't have the period, Joan.

And no, there's

moaning minis, aren't they?

Really?

Get a pair of stockings and some suspenders and a lovely little thong, and you'll notice these things clear up straight away.

Absolutely.

Lovely.

Next conundrum.

My name is Emily.

Again, just last names.

Hi, Emily.

My current partner has a fetish that I can't wrap my head around.

He has a fetish where he likes to be treated like a tiny man, as in two inches tall.

Says he wants me to put him in his back pocket and sit on him, put him down my top and suffocate him between my tits.

I want to know if this is something you've ever heard of and to give me tips on how to go with it.

It's a little off-putting currently where I have to describe how teeny he is during sex.

Right.

And this is Emily.

This is Emily.

Well,

this is actually something we are familiar with, isn't it, Jerica?

Yes, absolutely.

The tiny man syndrome,

which is a very sexy, actually, a very fun game.

I don't know why this Emily lady is objecting so hugely to this very, very, very, very reasonable request for you.

Absolutely.

With all the, oh, I love your tiny penis.

I love your mini balls.

Your

tiny pinheads.

I love your

wee anus.

I mean, it's gorgeous.

Your hairy, tiny, tiny, hairy legs and your

wee, wee, tiny, weeny head that you can pop all the way up my badge and pleasure me till till the cows come home.

Oh, I can use it as a tampon when I need to, your entire body.

Yes, a very absorbent fellow.

And yes, pop him up and no need to flush.

Obviously, just rinse him out of the tap and use him again.

Yes, and he's actually, I've looked at his photo, a very large lad, isn't he?

Yes, he's quite bulky

and pretty tall.

It may well be that perhaps he was teased at school for being such a tall fellow and prefers to be thought of as a two-inch tot.

You know,

it's not really for us to judge, is it?

And this awful woman, what was her name?

Emily.

Emily, yes.

And she's saying she can't wrap her head around it.

I don't really know, in a way, what he's doing, sticking with her, to be honest.

I'm sure there's a million ladies who'd love to get into this tiny sex syndrome.

Absolutely.

I mean, you know, we'd know with Prince Charles, he wanted wanted to be a tampon didn't he joan remember yes um and they covered that story so wonderfully in the crown didn't they glad they covered that bit because everybody knew that that was what we wanted and yes and it was fun wasn't it seeing her get out her packet of lillettes and him actually eating one at one point in the in the filming which was fun

yes i understand the royal family haven't really enjoyed it as much as uh we'd all hoped but yeah so it's i mean you know it's tricky isn't it really but apparently they did enjoy that section, which is wonderful.

Are there any, besides telling him he's small, is there any kind of physical things she can do to create the sensation of being small?

Because you would imagine like frogs, you know, like the borrowers, they made big furniture.

Yes, I think she should spend any savings she has on getting some giant sofas in and getting the windows changed in the house.

Yes, perhaps knitting a giant jumper

for the fellow so that he's absolutely utterly swamped in it.

And

yes, there's all sorts of things you could do.

I think that's really helpful.

And I think, actually,

although it sounds quite rare, probably quite a common

thing.

Yeah, absolutely.

And it's why jockeys never struggle to get a lady.

Very sexy, those jockeys aren't.

Very rich and very sexy.

Yeah, and a lot of practical solutions.

I mean, it costs a fortune, but you know, some real practical.

But it is what it is.

I mean, we're not living, you know, we're not living in a kind of fantasy here.

You've got to do what you've got to do, haven't you?

You do it if you want to hold on to your relationship.

I do think you are holding on by the skin of your teeth here.

Yeah, she absolutely is.

And she's not going to get anyone else, is she?

No.

Not the face like that.

Coach, the energy out there felt different.

What changed for the team today?

It was the new game day scratchers from the California Lottery.

Play is everything.

Those games sent the team's energy through the roof.

Are you saying it was the off-field play that made the difference on the field?

Hey, a little play makes your day, and today it made the game.

That's all for now.

Coach, one more question.

Play the new Los Angeles Chargers, San Francisco 49ers, and Los Angeles Rams Scratchers from the California Lottery.

A little play can make your day.

Please play responsibly.

Must be 18 years or older to purchase, play, or claim.

Okay,

so the next one we have is from a gentleman this time called Jake.

Okay.

Okay, so we're moving away from the women into the men.

So he says, I've been seeing this guy and we've been getting pretty intimate.

But he has asked me to keep it hush-hush.

And I thought that was just because he was shy about seeing another man.

Well, last week he called me and completely out of the blue asked me to be his groomsman for his wedding to a woman.

Should I go?

Gosh, and this is Jake.

Again, a surnameless man.

Yeah, it's open.

It's a lot of cloak and dagger.

Does he have experience with horses?

He's actually on a horse in the photo that he's taking.

Well, that's true, yes.

It's the question here that he wants to ride in on a horse into the church and sort of make a scene maybe he's naked

with a large member engorged both him and the horse yes um

it seems like the the usual story of the sort of closet homosexual having this fake marriage we've seen it all across hollywood haven't we time and again absolutely yes and in the government yes almost every one of them so should he go and reveal what this gentleman's been up to?

Should he

certainly say something at the usual point, you know, where they say if anyone has anything to say or declare or whatever the phrase is, he should certainly pipe up then.

Yes.

He should stand up and shout some obscenities and

if he can vomit at will, I would suggest he just vomits over the congregation in front of the

ride.

He gets back on the horse and gallops out the church.

Yes, I mean, had a fun day out.

If he was going to do a more subtle thing, I think what might be nice is if he's very, very close to the groom throughout the service, the vows, and he's rubbing his bottom from behind and just scooping his hand under his crotch.

What he could do, if he is a bit further away, is get a litter picker, take that along with him, and perhaps attach

a common bathroom sponger on the end, and then just poke up at him whilst he's having taking his vows and try and put him off, perhaps.

Yes, he could have a go at the vicar as well and see if that.

Oh, yes, absolutely.

And these vicars are game for this sort of thing, aren't they?

Because, of course, they don't wear trousers, do they, Joan, or any underwater?

Well, we know they don't wear pants, no.

No, so you can reach up and round and inside the cassock and grab away with that litter picker and, you know, might be a bit of fun for everybody.

And, you know, I think the rest of the congregation would be awfully grateful because it's very boring.

Sometimes boring.

They're so boring weddings.

They drag on.

We want one of these dramas, don't we, at a wedding?

Yes.

Well, best of luck, Jake, and hope it all goes well.

Yeah, love to hear the results of that.

Absolutely.

You have to go, Jake.

That's

it is bananas in the room.

Yes, you're going, yes, you're going there.

Dress up in something fun.

I'm actually learning so much.

I didn't realise so much of this would apply to my life as well.

So this is really helpful.

That's fabulous.

And what's good is you kind of come at it from an angle that I wouldn't necessarily have thought of or even social human to think about.

Yes, I think it's the humour and the compassion, but it's also all our training.

We don't like to brag about all our sort of qualifications because we don't want to ram it down people's throats.

But that's really where that skill comes from.

And I wonder, because there has been a bit of controversy.

You've got a lot of attention, obviously, for your No Holes Bard kind of very direct approach.

Do you get feedback on your feedback ever?

Do people, people, you know, have opinions on

how it's gone.

Unfortunately, from narrow-minded folk, but we just ignore them, don't we, Joan?

And Joan's got a wonderful bodyguard, Danny.

Danny, he's gorgeous, huge guy.

Yes, I mean, we think they're usually actually old school friends who've got a garage, that kind of thing.

Jealous.

Posing as other people.

Probably women, jealous women.

Oh, yeah, undoubtedly.

It'll be ghastly, frumpy, past-it women who are just very envious of our huge wealth, actually, and fame.

Yeah, well, we both do wear bulletproof vests, don't we?

Quite often I've got to do it.

Yes, and panfits, yes.

This next letter is from Matthew, and he says, I'm buying gifts for a friend with benefits of mine, but I don't want to buy anything that necessarily implies a commitment or that there's going to be a round two.

What gift is the right level of sexy for this?

Socks are too daddish, but sex toys are too much of an invitation.

Love and light, Matt.

Oh, bless you, Matt.

What a very, yes, what a sensible letter.

What should he buy?

Well, should he buy Joan something like the peanie beanie that

we make and sell on our website, which we refer to actually in this.

So I don't know if you know that we've written a book, Joan and I, called Why He Turns Away.

And in it, we have various products.

He might want to have a look through that and

have a think about a little gift from us.

Yes, indeed.

It's a little sort of hat that you put on the end of the penis um to collect bits and bobs that sort of thing and you can get the orlando which is like orlando bloom sort of thing that he might wear and uh it might be something that this guy if it's a guy uh would would feel was well what's he saying by that is he saying uh my willy smells i need to put a hat on the end of it or is he saying um

what is he saying by that you know i mean i think he's saying joan potentially um here's a bit of fun um but don't get too used to me.

And the book, of course, advice and information on lots of different topics.

Absolutely.

And recipes, horoscopes, it's all in there.

Yes.

How to keep a man, how to get a man in the first place and then how to keep hold of him and pleasure him, you know, whilst he increasingly goes off you.

I've got one here.

Again, it's anonymous, but they're from Russia.

Yes.

So it seems that my husband is allergic to sex.

Literally, every time the foreplay starts and we're ready to shag, he sneezes extremely hard.

He nearly bit off my nipple once because he was kissing my breast when this happened.

So, do you think we need to cure this allergy or let it be his special feature?

And that's from Anonymous in Russia.

In Russia, yes.

I see, I see.

Vlad.

Vlad in Russia.

Is it from a lady?

It is a lady, but that is a common feature.

Female name, yeah.

I do beg your pardon.

I thought it was short for Vladimir.

Yeah, but clearly not.

Vladys.

Vladys, yes, that'll be it.

They're quite stout and strong looking, a lot of of these lasses, aren't they, from Russia?

And I would imagine her nipples, much as he nearly bit it off, are quite tough as well.

So

with all those Russian winds and, you know, the chapping and chafing, they get very, very sturdy nipples, a lot of these Russian natural girls.

Oh, and all the potatoes, yes, and headscarves that they wear.

Vodka.

Yes, absolutely.

She needn't worry too much about that.

It would take quite a big chomp to get a Russian nipple off.

So I wouldn't worry too much.

I just wonder, though, this sneezing, I mean, that seems like a little bit of a bit of a guise to me, don't you think, of some sort of.

Well, it's tricky, isn't it, Joan?

Because of course, as we know, a lot of men can be very allergic to their girlfriends and wives.

And increasingly, as they uh get older, they can uh start to come out in hives when they see them.

And if they take a layer of clothing off, a lot of the men can actually be physically sick.

Um I know what you said.

Philip used to do that a lot too.

Yes, we had to keep a bucket by the bed, and uh, oh, you know, poor Philip, you know, he's a troubled fellow, and I we it was just a phase in the end.

And as long as I we turned all the lights off and I turned on to my front there were no problems

but this Vladys lady

yeah she sounds to me rather a complainer yet another one and also the thing she says as soon as foreplay starts so what's happening here is why are you expecting foreplay anyway Vladys from this gorgeous guy I mean he's he looks I mean have you seen the size of his hands there in this photo I hope you've got that up on your screen Jerry huge yes I have huge hands and an enormous penis.

Very, very ruddy.

And these wonderful Russian boots and this Cossack hat and nothing else.

Quite a striking fellow.

Stunning.

Stunning.

Yes, yes.

I mean, she's lucky to have him, isn't she?

And I wouldn't be surprised if he's already moved on by the time we're answering this letter.

He's only got three teeth there, so I don't think that she, you know, he's not going to take that much off anyway when he's jumping down, is he?

No, absolutely.

If anything, it's a graze, isn't it?

Exactly.

It's a sexy graze.

It's a sexy graze.

It's part of common sex play, that is.

I don't know what she's complaining about.

I think she's got herself mixed up there in the sneezing.

I mean, we've all had a man sneeze phlegm all over a face before, or nipples, or down below, haven't we?

That's just a bit of moisture, really.

Yeah, it's part of the sex play, really.

And,

you know, she doesn't say, but a lot of men have these penis colds, don't they, Joan, as well, where they sneeze repeatedly out of the organ.

And that can be confusing if the lady's not expecting that.

But again, that's a very sexy, very, very, very, very, very turn-on

sort of mechanism.

Are you acknowledging that?

Are you saying, bless me?

You know, bless you.

I think that's a nice thing to say,

but you make sure you say it in a very husky way.

You don't want it to be too mumsy because that will turn him right off and

that will cause the mucus to turn into little dry bogeys very quickly.

Are you ever faced with a query or a question or a problem that you just don't feel qualified to answer?

No.

Not really.

Good.

I suppose because of your combined expertise over the years, I mean, you've got all the bases covered.

We both have such high IQs as well, again, something we don't brag about, but combined, it's going up towards the six or seven hundred, isn't it, Jerica?

Yes, if not more.

To both of you, I think, I mean, this has just been such an enlightening time.

It really has.

On behalf of our listeners, just thank you.

Thank you for your time.

Thank you.

We know you have to.

Thank you, guys.

Honestly,

God bless you.

Yes.

And we're going to have our Christmas dinner together, I understand.

Absolutely, yes, yes.

And the gravy.

And we got your kind of list of dietary requirements.

Thank you.

Oh, yes.

Yes.

Mine's all gluten-free, I'm afraid, with this exploding gut syndrome.

So

I have to be careful easy on the stuffing.

No pun intended.

Well, thank you so much, Joan and Jerica.

And Merry Christmas, one and all.

Merry, Merry Christmas.

Merry, Merry Christmas, and happy, happy new year.

Yes, indeed.

Coach, the energy out there felt different.

What changed for the team today?

It was the new game day scratchers from the California Lottery.

Play is everything.

Those games sent the team's energy through the roof.

Are you saying it was the off-field play that made the difference on the field?

Hey, a little play makes your day, and today it made the game.

That's all for now.

Coach, one more question.

Play the new Los Angeles Chargers, San Francisco 49ers, and Los Angeles Rams Scratchers from the California Lottery.

A little play can make your day.

Please play responsibly.

Must be 18 years or older to purchase play or claim.

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