My Dad Wrote A Christmas Porno 4

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The following podcast contains adult themes, sexual content, and strong language.

Basically, all the good stuff.

Ho ho ho!

Merry Christmas, one and all.

It's the My Dad Reda Porno Christmas special.

Alice, James, happy Christmas.

Thank you.

And to you, and the holidays.

This is the time that makes me feel like Christmas now.

It's become such a tradition to do this.

I haven't really felt Christmassy until we've got together to chat porn.

This is our fourth Christmas special, our fourth year celebrating the festive period with pornography.

And what's lovely, Alice, is you've come dressed as one of the robbers from home alone.

Are you Marv or you Joe Pesci?

I like to think I'm Marv, right?

Yeah, I think you're a bit more.

Well, you've got the bobble hat on, so I think you're a bit more Marv.

And my hair looks like it's attached to the hat.

And you look like you've been hit with an iron in the face.

Yes, thank you.

And what have you come as?

Someone unwell?

Why do you look so peaky?

I think it's the skin coloured top I'm wearing.

It's kind of melting into one who looks.

He looks like he's in the nude.

Oh, it's because you went went to your Christmas party last night, didn't you?

Work Christmas party.

Oh, did you?

How was it?

Yeah, fine.

Any gossip?

Well, no, but just everyone gets a bit over-friendly at those things.

Like, you start hugging people in the tax office.

I've never spoken to you before.

I went to mine last night as well.

How was yours?

Kind of similar, like everybody being quite sort of sentimental.

I don't know if it's because of the booze or the time of.

I'm just fired.

That's why I think.

Do you think that's what it is?

Not renewing the contract.

Well, somebody was like, Can I just say, I really like Alice 2.0?

What does that mean?

What's Alice 2.0?

I don't know, but she needs a reboot already.

Software update.

I've got a surprise for you both.

To get us in the mood before we read the chapter, I thought we could do something a bit festive.

Oh, okay.

I'll just get them out.

Oh, crackers.

Oh, that's a nice touch.

Not just crackers, kinky crackers.

Ew.

Very good.

So the tagline is the most fun you can have with 12 inches.

Lovely.

Nice touch.

There's a blurb on the back.

May I read it?

Oh, indulge.

This box provides the perfect compliment to a date with your desired one.

Simply tear open and reveal a tantalizing treat to spice up your night.

That's famously not how you use a cracker.

I think it's referencing the box, not the cracker.

So let's get them open.

Okay, okay.

Who's going to pull who?

Well, I've got three.

So should we do a three-way

threesome?

You've got to cross your arms.

Oh, for God's sake.

Everything's going to get an october.

Three, two, one.

Oh,

Jesus.

James got neither.

There's always one that gets neither.

Okay, what have we got?

James jump one.

Here you go.

Okay.

Oh, oh, oh.

Okay, so the...

Look at they're all the same.

I don't know.

There's a little satchel of treats.

I've got...

I've got a condom.

Yeah, me too.

Mine's passion fruit flavoured.

I've got one of these.

Is it charged?

What is that?

A vibrator, isn't it?

That's a vibrator.

How'd they fit that in a cracker?

Oh, Alice, snap.

And mine's bright pink.

Mine's bright red.

It looks a bit like a pen.

Let me just see what kind of batteries it takes, just out of interest.

Does it work?

Oh my god.

I'm ready to go.

How vibraty is it?

Can I have a feel?

It's very vibraty.

Jesus Christ.

Is that how fast they are?

Why did you put it on your nose?

Just because I heard somewhere that that's how you feel how fast a vibrator is.

Have you never experienced a vibrator?

No.

And then lube.

Oh, yeah.

What flavours you call it?

Mine's a little vial of lube.

It's just that you get the nose as well.

Oh my god.

It's like a little test tube.

What on earth is this?

Oh, I know what that is.

It's a cochwing.

Oh,

yeah.

So you put it just around the...

I think it's around the base of your

sex bit.

It's like a little bullet bit.

I think that's

for the lady.

I think it's a boy and girl toy.

Yeah, there you go.

This vibrates as well.

Why does everything vibrate?

Why has James never seen a sex toy?

My condom's warming.

That's nice for the winter season.

Man's taste.

Mine's, I think, chocolate, strawberry, blueberry and mint flavour, which sort of grosses me out.

All in what?

What fruit cocktail?

Nipple tassels.

Hey.

They've got like sticky backs.

Oh, please put them on, James.

One.

Two.

Beautiful.

I'm going to wear these for the whole channel.

I kind of want to put them on.

Al, do you want them?

Yeah.

Well, you can take them home.

You're going to put them on your actual nipples.

Yeah, should I?

Oh, my God.

On your actual nipples.

Well, don't look.

One second.

Oh, suddenly the boys wish this was a video podcast.

Are you actually gonna do it?

Yeah, the number

dick.

I can't believe this is happening.

She's literally naked in the room.

Oh.

Can we get a picture out?

Wait a sec.

No, you cannot get a picture.

But people will want it for Instagram.

Oh, my God.

My

God!

That was 2.0.

She just shook those cans.

Are you drunk?

Oh, that's so sicky.

Ow!

Ow!

I've never seen anything like it.

The Superstar.

Behind the scenes.

Oh, Alice, what a good sport.

So that picture is going to go up on Instagram, what, tomorrow?

Yeah.

View our Instagram story for exclusive behind-the-scenes content.

Wow.

Merry Bloody Christmas.

Right, shall we read some porn?

I just can't believe you saw Alice in nipple tassels.

That is an image I can't get out of my head.

Can you not unsee it?

I feel like it's going to be seared into my memory.

You know, when you close your eyes, when you've looked at a light and all you can see is the light, I feel like every time I close my eyes now, that's all I'm going to be able to see.

Thank you for thinking of them as light bulbs.

I was going to say, look great.

Many thanks.

Congratulations, it's been working out.

Okay.

Not that you look bad before.

Nice muscly boobs.

That was all a ruse to show us your new

2.0 bod.

Oh, is that all it meant?

I stopped eating as much custard.

Right, okay.

So, Belinda's Blinking Exmus.

That's the chapter title.

It does exactly exactly what it says on the tin.

That's what I like.

I don't like any of this figurative, like metaphorical stuff.

Yeah, Belinda, Christmas done.

And she'll probably be blinking.

So, Belinda's Blinking Exmus.

A snowflake tweedled its way down to Earth.

and landed on Belinda's nostril.

Snowflakes aren't from space.

He does know that, doesn't he?

And they rarely tweedle.

What is tweedle?

Not a thing.

And it landed on Belinda's nostril as she spoke.

So the nostril is the hole, lest we forget.

So she's looking up, directly up into the snow.

So it kind of went internal.

Okay.

Listen, Bella.

My parents are off to Germany to see my mum's family.

And I'm staying in London for Xmas.

German family?

I guess Blumenthal, quite German-sounding.

Well, I don't want to ruin this chapter by talking about the other books, but German family.

Bish is German.

Oh, yes, family.

Rocky.

Clever boy.

Clever boy.

Just little Easter eggs for everyone there.

Easter eggs at Christmas.

How old do you think?

Very rocky.

My parents are off to Germany to see mum's family, and I'm staying in London for Xmas.

How about we have Xmas at my penthouse?

It really is Xmasy by St.

Paul's.

Stop saying Xmas.

Oh, Belinda!

You do live such a mysterious life.

But you know, I'm going home to East London.

Why won't you be invited to my parents' place and we'll have a turkey stuffed holiday with all the trimmings?

Why don't you be invited to my parents' place?

Interesting English.

Why don't you be invited?

I mean, it's Bella.

I don't know what to tell you.

That Christmas Eve, Belinda swerved her jag into the address.

So we're going to Bella's for Christmas.

Fuck me.

And she's just crashed into their front garden.

So she just swerved her jag into the address.

But she couldn't view the house.

Why?

Suddenly, she saw Bella's big red jag parked in an old boozer's car park.

So not suddenly then, because it's parked.

Bella's got a jag.

Yeah.

Like a work car.

I'm guessing a travel book.

I just can't see Bella driving a jag.

I can't see Bella driving.

That's true.

That's a test.

It sounds like Belinda can't drive either.

What is wrong with everyone?

So suddenly she saw Bella's bright red jag parked in an old boozer's car park.

The pub itself looked almost decadent in the drab surroundings, with twinkling Xmas lights and a snowman dressed in red clothing climbing up over the barbed wire fence protecting the beer garden.

I have seen those though, that decoration.

You know where it looks like Santa climbing, not usually over barbed wire.

It's conceptually confusing though, isn't it?

Because it's a snowman dressed as Santa.

They kind of clash two concepts there.

Also, the barbed wire fence.

What a lovely part of the world this is.

But I love the owners were like, how are we going to decorate the fence?

Get one of those snowmen dressed as santas and look like it's trying to escape.

Plimey, Belinda thought.

She's nipped in for a quick one.

I'll go and join her.

Or there's no parking on the street and she just parked in the car park of the pub because parking in London is notoriously difficult.

The boozer was dark, but warm inside.

Atmospheric if you like not being able to see what was floating in your pint of bitter.

I do.

Or a glass of shards, she thought.

If this place gone very cash for this one, hasn't he?

Shards.

If this place even did shards.

I'm sure it has shards, my dear.

I'm sure it's got shards at Xmas.

Come on.

Can I get you anything, love?

The 68 and a half-year-old barman with a chest size to match asked.

68 and a half what?

Chest.

That's quite large.

Inches or centimetres.

Well, 68 and a half years old.

Yeah.

68 and a half.

What?

Yeah.

What unit?

What do you measure chests in?

I think I'm about 42 chests.

So what?

68?

Half of you again.

Oh my God.

So, can I get you anything, love?

Wow.

A startled Belinda replied.

Um

yeah.

Um

you walk into a pub and someone asks you for your order.

Oh me

Wow.

Yeah.

I'm looking for my friend,

Bella.

He really does lift it off the page.

He started looking around the room as if he was really.

She's lovely.

I'm looking for my friend, Bella.

Bella Ridley.

As if they're going to know her name.

They're going to know Bella.

Oh, yeah.

Good point.

Ah, that'll be my daughter then.

Mr.

Ridley, the talented Mr.

Ridley.

You must be her guest, Melinda.

At that.

What a dad's like.

At that, he shouted up some stairs.

Bella!

It's your saucy pots and pans, mate.

She's here.

Did Belinda not correct him?

No.

It's not Melinda.

It's very unlike Belinda, actually, she's just to let someone call her Melinda.

Yeah, she used to be like, uh, I sell X amount of pots and pans.

Yes, thank you very much.

You should know my name.

At that moment, a very excited lady rushed in from the kitchen where she was making 200 pigs in blankets for the evening's Monopoly competition.

I'm sorry, what?

I'd love a ticket to the Ridley Family Pub Christmas celebration.

Quite good, huh?

What are the pigs in blankets for?

Are they part of the game or just to eat while you're playing Monopoly?

Well, I'd imagine it's just finger food.

They're not using them as like pieces.

Would you like the boot or the pig in blanket?

Oh my god, someone told me once.

Literally last night at the work Christmas party.

Someone told me once.

It was a cold day in 1982.

It's third down.

Did you see the game last night?

Of course you did, because you used Instacart to do your grocery restock.

Plus, you got snacks for the game, all without missing a single play.

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You check your feed and your account.

You check the score and the restaurant reviews.

You check your hair and reflective surfaces and the world around you for recession indicators.

So you check all that, but you don't check to see what your ride options are.

In this economy, next time, check Lyft.

They said it was Christmas and they were eating sausages out of a bowl, like loads of like honeyed sausages.

They'd made loads of them.

200.

And she was just absent-mindedly eating them.

And then she got really ill and like had like digestive problems for ages because she ate so many sausages.

But what do you mean she was so absent-minded she ate like hundreds?

Hundreds.

It must have been hundreds.

But she was like, but I still love sausages to this.

Still eat sausages to this day.

Still eat them.

But how many must she have eaten to have digestive issues?

And for how long did these digestive issues go on for?

Oh, weeks.

The rest of her life.

No, no, for ages though, but like in one evening, you know.

What?

Sorry.

Be careful out there, guys, over Christmas when you're eating pigs and blankets.

What do you think the upper limit is for a mini sausage?

I mean, I wouldn't have more than 10 in a sitting.

I mean, what's in a sausage?

I mean, it's just full of shit, isn't it?

You don't know what the fuck's in it.

I love sausages.

Yeah, me too, but you know, it's just mini sausages.

You don't usually get good quality mini sausages, do you?

Don't I get those from a butcher?

Yeah, yeah.

Where do they even make them from?

Are they just from the off-cuts of other sausages?

The off-cuts of other sausages.

Sausages have off-cuts.

Do you mean the bits of sausages that other people leave?

How do you make sausages?

When they say you don't want to see how the sausage is made, I kind of do want to see how the sausage is made.

Could someone just show me how a fucking sausage is made?

You know we'll have all the butchers on.

So at that moment, a very excited lady rushed in from the kitchen where she was making 200 pigs in blankets for the evening's Monopoly competition.

I have a comment.

Yes.

It's Bella.

What making the sausages?

Yeah.

Well, because he's just called a name.

A very excited lady's just running.

But But she was upstairs.

So he thought.

You're wrong, Alice.

Oh, for fuck's sake.

I hate this book.

Ah, Melinda.

It's Belinda.

Oh, my God.

It's Wella or Jella or whatever.

She pretty much sang, oh.

Ah, Melinda.

Merry Christmas, darling.

How are you auto-tuning your own voice?

It's amazing.

Thanks.

Belinda smiled at the mother, Gloria.

Gloria.

Hi, how are you, Gloria?

Belinda smiled at the mother.

Gloria.

Wondering.

Gloria Ridley.

Gloria Ridley.

My name is Lloyd Ridley.

Belinda smiled at the.

Gloria Ridley.

Loa Ridley.

Wondering what sort of a Christmas speller had gotten her into.

What was the dad called?

Oh, we don't know yet.

Oh, God.

I bet they've all got like Christmas names.

Here's my sister, Holly, and my dad, Rudolph.

Uncle Frosty's arriving in five.

After a few drinks and socialising, Belinda concluded that Artie and Gla...

Oh, Artie.

Who's Artie?

The dad.

The dad, Artie.

Artie?

Arthur Christmas.

Just saying.

Belinda concluded that Artie and Gloria Ridley were fine, but dull.

If I'd heard, before I knew Bella and I knew her parents were called Artie and Gloria, I'd have thought she was from very different stock.

Like, she wasn't the character she is.

But remember, I've made her that character.

Like, on the page, she could be completely different.

A different interpretation.

She could be really high-end.

I've said it from the beginning.

Do not be led by Jamie.

It's very misleading.

God, can you imagine if we actually met Bella and she's like...

The interpretation of me on the podcast is not entirely.

I find it laughable.

Yes, I like a drink, but don't we all?

And I've never drunk Chardonnay in my life.

So after a few drinks and socialising, Belinda concluded that Artie and Gloria Ridley were fine, but dull.

Bella's sister Pamela was quite...

Pamela!

Bella's a much older sister, Pamela.

Pam!

Pam!

Pam!

No one is called Pam under the age of

62.

Yeah.

Bella's sister Pamela was quite mean and not worth paper to describe.

How convenient.

Conveniency exists.

We'll never see paper in its life.

It's very much an online book.

Pamela was quite mean and not worth paper to describe.

And her brother was yet back from Exma shopping.

Bella must have escaped to the circus for all Belinda could understand.

Oh, well, she doesn't recognise her as belonging to this class.

Which is interesting because when you meet people's family, they either really confirm who they are or you're like, where did you come from?

Yeah.

Like, I'd like to think that I kind of make more sense once you know my family.

Oh, you really do.

And James, you'd be in the other, the other camp for me.

Quite different from your family.

Yeah, yeah.

I'm the only one unmarried, alone, no children, no dog, no house.

No creature.

A little black sheep.

I think I'm literally the exact half and half of my mum and dad.

Yeah, you

like looks a little bit.

Like, your mum, young, I've seen pictures of her, is the spit.

I mean, she'll be deeply offended that you're not describing yourself young anymore, but yeah.

Young gur, James.

Young gur is the phrase you were.

Yeah, absolutely.

So she looked like Marv from Home Alone before Home Alone existed.

She created that look.

But then the door went a knocking, as such wooden slabs of dividing materials tend to do at Christmas.

Well, that's not passive, is it?

It's being knocked on.

Yeah.

And also, who knocks on the door of a pub?

And who describes wooden slabs?

I mean, the whole thing's ridiculous.

Knocks on the door of a pub.

But then the door went a knocking, as such wooden slabs of dividing materials tend to do at Christmas.

And in bustled Auntie Bobby

Auntie Bobby is who I want to be in five to ten years and I don't even know who she is yet and in bustled Auntie Bobby Uncle Ariel and their baby Ariel Auntie Bobby the hell

has he run out of names

Bobby's with an eye like Bobby Brown like the cosmetics and Ariel we presume like the little mermaid yes although a man but I think that is a male name isn't it isn't it Hebrew yes it is actually very popular but I wouldn't necessarily expect Rocker to know that.

So in bustled Auntie Bobby, Uncle Ariel and their baby Rock Viola FizzFudge.

Fizzfudge?

Fizzfudge.

Lovely.

Hi, Auntie Bobby.

Yo, Uncle Ariel.

Google, gorgeous, Fizzfudge.

Bella beamed.

This is going to be such a long chapter.

Bella.

Is it Christmas Day yet?

Suddenly, Christmas alone doesn't seem so bad.

Could she have a lie down?

Because she said, I do do a chardonnay because I don't know if I can take this.

Shards, please.

Shards.

Google, that gorgeous fist punch.

Bella beamed, but just as she was rubbing the dog's nose, he bit her hand.

Rubbing the nose.

Don't rub the nose.

I'd bite your hand if you rub the nose.

Ow!

Is the rest of this chapter going to be set in any department while she goes to get a dog bite check?

I honestly don't know if I've got it in me for her to be very talkative.

Finally, my sister, pro-in-law, and pooch are here.

Monopoly time, sang gloria does gloria only sing she seems she seems to sing a lot to to what melody dare i ask i'm trying to make sure that we're not in any copyright infringement situation well that tick okay

you just invented some notes it's gloria like stuck in a musical or something what's going on gloria

Great for bonding, thought Belinda, as she chose the little doggy to play with.

Famously not good for bonding.

Monopoly is the surefire way to fall out with everyone at Christmas.

Also takes forever.

I can't remember the last time.

Who's got the wherewithal to play Monopoly?

Who's got the lifestyle that allows a full game of Monopoly?

Yeah, if you've got time to play a Monopoly game from beginning to end, you are a waste of space.

Oh, wow.

Okay.

We're probably going to get Sub-Waddingtons that make it, but cool.

So great for bonding, she thought.

As she chose the little doggie to play with.

So she's the dog.

Fizzfudge or the dog from the box.

I think the dog from the box.

Oh, my.

The little poo.

Festive fun times.

She laughed as her crotchless knickers started to leak.

She's wearing crotchless knickers to a friend's parents Christmas Eve do.

Sure.

And now he's written dot, dot, dot.

And then there's blank.

You're scrolling a lot.

I'm going down to another page.

Oh, he's written dot, dot, dot.

Is this a cry for help?

Does it mean S-O-S?

No, no, that's dot, dot, dot, dash, dash, dash, isn't it?

So a a passage of time, I think, is what he's trying to get at here because it says, three hours into the classic board game with no limits.

Told you, it's so long.

That's not even halfway.

Three hours into the classic board game with no limits, people were bored, irritable and drunk.

We're addicted.

One, two, three.

Oh, fuck.

Bella cried as she moved her top hat to prison and her triple baileys to her gut.

I just thought she couldn't count to four.

I thought that was what was the problem.

One, two, two, three.

Oh, no.

What's next?

Triple Baileys, you have that same digestive issue as with all those bloody mini sausages.

That's not good, is it?

I can't with that kind of like cream-de-based liqueur.

Oh, no, I know.

I just think it just must curdle inside.

Oh, don't.

Do they have it in other countries?

Because I feel like other countries would feel weird about what is essentially a melted milkshake with really quite potent booze put in afterwards.

Someone poured me one once, but I think they'd had it for a long time and it was all like curdled up.

It was funny.

It was about lumping.

Sometimes we're like, oh, sorry, I've forgotten to put it in the fridge.

It's like, you definitely can't have it at room temperature.

That's really grim.

Yeah, it's basically a pint of milk.

With six shots of ethanol in it.

Shout out to this week's sponsor, Bailey.

So, at least they pay for room and board, reasoned Benny, Bella's brother.

Benny.

Benny Ridley.

Why are they like half Italian-American, sort of like gangster family from a film?

Half East Enders, basically, international listeners, a drama all about the East End.

Drama.

Soap.

Soap opera, yeah.

At least they pay for room and boat, reasoned Benny, Bella's brother.

This older Ridley peaked Belinda's lower left eyelash.

Oh, here we go.

And she knew it was on.

There was a shape in his trousers and a twinkle in his eye.

A shape.

A rectangle.

It might have been his wallet.

While Belinda drooled, Norm from Next Door.

Oh, come on.

These names are totally bonkers, but they're like pedestrian bonkers.

It's not like Mistress Sweet Juice.

It's like

Dwayne.

Norm from Next Door was looking all kinds of goo-goo at Bella, even from behind his Rudolph mask.

A full mask?

Not even just the antlers.

Well, that's petrifying.

Thanks, Norm.

We won't be needing your assistance.

Just staring at her from behind a mask.

Bella blushed beneath her tinsel-twisted bunches, licking the pastry top of a mince pie on a stick.

Norm.

Why has he put mince pie on a stick?

It's nothing.

It's not a thing in my house.

Is it a thing in your house?

On a stick?

What is the point?

Quite hard to put a pie on a stick.

She's just licking the top of the pastry top.

Like a lollipop.

Yeah.

She's got a mince pie on a stick.

Bella must know Norm if he's the next door neighbour.

So kind of creepy for him to be eyeballing her, no?

No, the problem is she's so dense, she thinks it's actually Rudolph.

She thinks it's a reindeer.

She'll take it off.

She'll be like, oh, my God, Norm!

I didn't know you were here.

Fox Wendy playing Nopping with us.

It's like good Bella.

Sure.

Oh, God.

So, Bella blushed beneath her tinsel twizzled bunches, licking the pastry top of a mince pie on a stick.

Belinda threw her an eyebrow, but continued to move.

Is that like throwing shade?

Yeah, I guess, yeah.

I would not be surprised if Belinda's eyebrows were removable.

Belinda threw her an eyebrow, but continued to move her little bitch around the board.

That's accurate, though, isn't it?

You can use it.

You can use it.

Transfixed by Belinda's tits, as buoyant as a couple of volleyballs floating in the Dead Sea.

A bit like yours, Alison.

Don't think about mine.

Don't think about mine.

Benny, Bella's brother, was as hard as a snow-capped mountain underneath his fist full of monopoly money under his fistful so he's got his hand kind of covering his crotch he's hard he's oh I've heard as hard as the mountain range

the Alps he's as hard as the Alps but he bought a hotel on Park Lane to distract his extended family from his own extension oh my god that's so embarrassing having a massive Benny bona while you're playing monopoly with your family so what he bought a hotel on park lane so they wouldn't notice his well I guess that'll be like oh look what he's just got and then he can be like oh

You fatwick fiddle bum.

Bella bellowed as she skipped off to jail for the third time that Christmas.

Well, this is unfortunate.

But isn't Benny's boner lifting the border?

Just one sidewig.

Exactly.

Why are all the hotels rolling off the table?

Norm the neighbour had begun rubbing his stone-washed denim look jeans in sexual design.

Norm is disgusting.

Norm's a cool guy.

Norm opened his bum bag and got out.

out.

Stonewashed and a look jeans and a Rudolph went.

Norm doesn't get out much, does he?

Judy Garland had dissolved back to black and white, which meant only one thing in this pub.

What's that mean?

The film?

The Wizard of Oz?

Oh.

Oh, yeah.

So what?

They were timing their game of Monopoly to The Wizard of Oz.

The Wizard of Oz.

Okay, time for bed or home, Artie Ridley blasted as Uncle Ariel forfeited all four rail stations.

As the stragglers scoffed stale Yule log in the holly-covered 100-year-old antique green tiled entrance, Belinda turned on Bella demanding info.

So who's the geek in the antlers?

She demanded.

Norm, crazy Norm.

So who's the geek in the antlers?

She demanded.

Oh, Norm.

He ain't the norm, Bella.

Very good, very good.

He ain't the norm bella.

He's the one.

Know what I mean?

You check your feed and your account.

You check the score and the restaurant reviews.

You check your hair and reflective surfaces and the world around you for recession indicators.

So you check all that, but you don't check to see what your ride options are.

In this economy, next time, check Lyft.

If you thought goldenly breaded McDonald's chicken couldn't get more golden, thank golder.

Because new sweet and smoky special edition gold sauce is here.

Made for your chicken favorites.

I participate in McDonald's for a limited time.

I do, Belinda.

He's lived next door since God was in nappies.

I may pity him, but I fuck him every Christmas Eve.

It's a tradition.

Even losers deserve a bonk in this day and age.

This makes me so sad.

I've just realised I've been playing with the cockroom the whole time.

You've been talking.

On his hands, on his hands.

It's just very spongy.

So, even losers deserve a bonk in this day and age.

You're right, best pal.

Now, what room is your bro stinking out?

Oh, he lives on property upstairs in the back.

Why?

Why do you think?

Asked Bella as she sprayed Chanel number six up her fluff.

Number six.

Is that the one that didn't get approved?

Up her fluff.

Like within herself.

It should really be, asked Bella as she sprayed channel number six up her fluff.

Very good.

No reason.

Belinda sang as she swiped a bottle of Asti from behind the cotton wool draped bar and slinked away above decks.

As the pub melted into a house via the stairs.

What?

Oh,

what is this mad weasley house?

Well, it's gone from being a business to a home, you know.

But it doesn't melt.

No, but I guess they got subsided.

The decor kind of melts from, you know, I don't know, darling forwards and into.

Definitely not.

Melts.

As the pub melted into a house via the stairs,

Belinda amused herself along the landing by judging Bella's baby pictures.

Oh, I like doing that in people's houses.

You've been to my house, haven't you?

Oh, my God.

I mean, have we talked about them before?

The Morton family pictures.

I don't know if we have.

Didn't Jamie used to have like your hair was like bright ginger when you were a kid wasn't yeah yeah but you know when they get in all the formations you must have seen they like all wear denim and then get into a pyramid

clothes have you know they've and they're actually black and there's like a bedrock of like the older ones then another layer of some younger ones and the like youngest on the top so many of us and what these were professional shoots or we did a couple of professional shoots but have you never seen them they're incredible have you seen the promotional pictures for friends you know how there's one where they're like all lying in a bed and one where they're like sat on on a sofa around the like fountain they're like they've done them all it's like season five of the flintstones not that one

so um she was judging bella's baby pictures much like alice levine reaching the end she creeped open the door crack in search of an ass crack

it was an xmas miracle Benny Bella's brother was a I love that he's called Benny Bella's brother every time

very hard to say as well Benny Bella's brother was undressing into his PJs and nightcap.

In nightcap, he wears a nightcap.

We winky.

That's such a turn off.

What would you do if you went to sleep with somebody and they wore a nightcap?

Well, pajamas, full stop.

I'm a bit like.

There's nothing wrong with pajamas.

I mean, I wear a big woolly jumper famously, so.

Yeah, but do you wear, like, I imagine you wear like a shirt and trousers and pajamas, do you?

Yeah.

Eye mask.

Yeah, I do quite favourite eye mask.

Yeah.

I knew it.

I knew it.

Nipple tassels?

Only tonight.

It was an Xmas miracle.

Benny Bella's brother was undressing into his PJs and nightcap.

As he bent down to remove his designer smalls, Belinda got a full-blown view of his starker's rump.

Oh.

Rump.

Well, tickle me stink.

Belinda delivered.

Is that a command?

Well, tickle me stink.

Belinda.

Tickle me stink.

That's gross.

Does that mean what I think it means?

What?

Well, why do you think it's gross?

Tickle me stink.

Well, tickle me pink is when you tickle someone, don't they go red?

Oh, I never know what that means.

Yeah, tickle me until I'm like, that has tickle me pink.

That has made me go red.

That's made me laugh and go red.

Yeah, that's right, okay.

So tickle me stink.

That's made me laugh and what?

Shit myself?

Or like, fart?

Well, I think it's because he's got his bum out, but I don't know.

Oh, I was hearing it as tickle must stink.

Tickle my stink.

Yeah.

But she can see his stink, so why would she be saying tickle me stink?

We all just stop saying stink.

Tickle must stink.

Well, tickle me stink, Belinda delivered to her thinking space.

And Belinda laughed.

Sorry, what's her thinking space?

Her head.

Yeah.

Oh, my God.

Oi!

He shouted as his face turned to the door.

The hysterical Belinda was bent double and in quite the festive fettle.

Oh, it has tickled us.

Tickled a stink.

As the male looked at the female, the female spoke through chuckles.

Oh, Benny Bella's brother, why don't you get into the X-Master spirit and fondle my ass, hand me home, and squirt in my eye?

I love thick bread sauce over my moist breast.

Oh, my God.

Belinda.

Well, that's Christmas dinner run.

I'm so sorry if you're listening to this before, during, or after.

Imagine if it's during.

No one has this on during, do they?

I love thick bread sauce over my moist breasts.

Thick bread sauce.

I'm sorry, but I have a line and that was about four books ago.

But this is gross.

Over her moist breast, one breast.

Oh, like moist breast, like

turkey.

Oh my god.

Rocky.

She clinked the Asti on her third finger ring and it jingled like a bell on Santa's sleigh.

Well, that's quite nice.

Benny, Bella's brother, stared at her, cock out.

In truth, pussy was his pleasure.

Best to be honest.

I love pussy.

I'm Benny, Bella's brother, and I love pussy.

In truth, pussy was his pleasure, and it was all he'd asked St.

Nicholas for this year.

It's my pleasure.

He wrote a Christmas list just saying pussy on it.

Pussy.

Dear Father, Christmas, this year I'd like.

Pussy, pussy.

That's Benny Bella's brother.

Belinda slinked inside the hovel and stripped amongst the posters of faded pop queens.

What is his room about?

What was not to be expected was the pastiness of the penis.

Oh, okay.

Um, ever sunbathe in the nut?

Belinda asked, turning the phallus over with her long fake fingernail.

Turning it over?

What do you mean?

Not really wanting to handle it, the sounds of it.

Do you think I've ever seen a tanned penis?

No.

I don't know that it would be safe to get it out and I don't mean safe to get it out in direct sunlight, but like burning it would be awful.

Horrible.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

The peeling.

Oh.

Ever sunbathe in the nud?

Belinda asked, turning the phallus over with her long fake fingernail.

Not Christmas.

Benny, Bella's brother, winked.

So he's the brains of the family.

Belinda smiled.

Clearly, the Milky Bar was on him.

Why do I feel like all of that was to crowbar values?

It honestly was.

It still makes sense.

And also an ad ad campaign from about 50 years ago.

The Milky Pot is on his.

Like a little sick-looking child dressed as a cowboy.

So weird.

All in all, a waste of everyone's time, I think it's fair to say.

His fat cock was so pale, Belinda could see every vein throbbing and popping its excitement.

Big, important ones, small, worm-like ones.

Jesus!

Arteries, capillaries, the works.

Sounds like a summer roll, you know, those like...

Don't, because you know someone described me as that.

A summer roll.

What do you mean?

Your whole body.

Somebody I was romantically involved with said my arms are like summer rolls because you can see all of the insides.

Oh, God, you can.

You are very pale, Al.

I guess the Milky Bars are on me.

Yeah, they really are.

Yeah, you're like Benny's dick.

Benny Bella's brother, please.

Sorry, Benny Bella's brother.

That is a tongue twister.

Between my kebab legs and my summer roll arms, I mean, I'm not really painting a very attractive picture.

You're a meal for two.

Starters at the top, mains at the bottom.

If you know what I mean.

Big, important ones, small, worm-like ones, arteries, capillaries, the works.

There aren't multiple arteries in there.

Is there an artery?

I don't know.

His dick was like an internet map route with hundreds of conflicting journeys.

Sounds like he needs to go and get it looked at.

Hmm.

Doesn't sound well.

But she knew the directions she needed.

Oh, very good, very good.

It doesn't sound well, but it does sound well catered for in the blood department.

Oh, yes.

No wonder it was rock solid.

Placing it between her upper and lower lips.

Sorry.

Libs.

Sorry.

Placing it between her upper and lower lips.

The weird thing is, I wouldn't have been surprised if it was limbs.

Placing it between her upper and lower lips, she enjoyed the suck-off.

I'm sure everyone did.

The brother was keen and began to shove himself into Belinda from the most jolly of locations.

Oh, Father Christmas comes down the chimney, and you're going to come up my cellar.

Belinda blabbed.

Come up my what?

Cellar.

Cellar.

Cellar.

Cold, empty cellar.

Father Christmas comes down the chimney and you're going to come up my cellar.

Belinda blabbed.

But versatility was Bella's bro's passion.

And he moved his Christmas cracker into her front hole.

Front hole?

There's no metaphor there.

It's just the front hole.

He's checking out.

The organisms were orgasming.

I hate the meaning called organisms.

That sounds like bacteria.

The organisms were orgasming.

And within the next 48 seconds, Benny, Bella's brother, came pre-people.

Came pre-people.

Pre-people!

Oh!

Pre-people!

Pre-people.

Pre-people.

I have no words.

That's awful.

Horrible.

What was was he thinking?

I've said sperm.

What's the next stage of sperm?

I feel like he's never said sperm, though.

You could say sperm.

It's always called like

wallpaper paste or bread sauce.

Yeah.

As his salty sauce rushed up her estrogen estuary.

Oh my god, stop it.

Just stop it.

Merry Christmas, everyone.

Goodbye.

As his salty sauce rushed up her Eastrogen estuary, the clock hands waved at the panting and sweating couple.

Midnight.

Why are you waving?

Kooey!

Midnight, Grandmaster Time whispered from the face.

So if they're waving...

If it's waving, then it's going between midnight and not.

One past, two minutes to...

Midnight.

Hang on, what's happening here?

Are they like conceiving a baby on the stroke of midnight?

Why is Grandmaster Flash there?

What did it say?

Grandmaster Time.

Right, different one.

Midnight, Grandmaster Time whispered from the face.

I mean a creepy talking clock.

That's worse than norm.

Woo!

Goody Gumtits.

It's Christmas Day.

Aww, happy Christmas, everyone.

Oh, goody gum tits.

This is nice.

Goody gumtits.

What the fuck?

Cuddle me a while?

Benny, Bella's brother begged.

Benny, you thick, soppy so-and-so.

Belinda wrapped the fleece bedspread over her perfect curves and glittered her trademark smile.

Never too early for turkey.

Oh, she loves a turkey.

Oh, it's her time of year, isn't it?

Of course.

Benny Bella's brother blinked.

Oh, come on.

She's not giving him a cuddle.

No, there's no cuddle.

She's just trotted off for a butter turkey and salt sandwich.

She's not a cuddler, though, is she?

She's.

We don't know of much embracing, no.

It's kind of usually a shag and go.

An in-and-out, yeah.

And that was a total of 48 seconds, so everyone's had a great time.

So, Benny Bella's brother blinked.

It was Christmas.

Yes.

Have a good one.

Sorry.

Was this a whole thing?

Basically, in our office.

It was Christmas.

Have a good one.

Weirdest Christmas card ever.

That's the end of the the chapter.

He was half a foot out the door, wasn't he?

We had places to go.

Because he mixed an email

with a chapter.

What the hell?

That is basically, I will not be responding to anything until the 5th of January.

Goodbye.

Kind regards, Rocky.

Oh, well, there you go.

Happy Christmas, everybody.

Oh, I mean, most presents will seem wonderful and generous in comparison to that.

Oh, where does he cook it up from?

Where does he get it from?

Honestly.

So, well, it was nice to meet all of Bella's family.

Yeah, brief, though it was.

And I actually had thought before I didn't really, well, I didn't like Bella.

No.

And it turns out I don't really like her family either.

I thought she was an only child.

I know she carries on.

Yes, there you go.

That's Christmas.

Should we take this opportunity to raise our glasses and thank Rocky for such a year in porn.

I mean,

what a time to be alive.

Cheers, everybody.

So that's it for us for 2019.

Yeah, much like Rocky, we're saying, have a good one.

We're moseying off.

But you will see us in 2020 if you come and see us live.

Are we going on tour?

We're going on tour, James.

We never mentioned it.

No, no.

And we're really getting down to the last tickets now.

Loads of venues have already sold out.

So if you want to celebrate Belinda's 30th birthday, you've got to move fast.

Do you know what?

We're going to have to start releasing the two rows that Rocky insists on having at every show.

Make a lovely Christmas present.

Just to suggest.

Wouldn't it just, James?

Not sure what to get someone, get them porn, absolutely.

And also, if you haven't actually been to the shop yet and you're listening to this on like the 22nd of December or something, don't worry.

Online, baby.

Am I ready?

You don't even have to go to the shop.

If their list just says pussy, this would be the perfect present.

Just go to my dadrotoporno.com/slash live to get all the dates and info on how to get your tickets.

Well, all that remains is to wish you all a very Merry Xmas.

Yes, indeed.

Thanks for sticking with us in 2019.

We love your support and we're off now for a Baileys.

Point them out.

You check your feed and your account.

You check the score and the restaurant reviews.

You check your hair and reflective surfaces and the world around you for recession indicators.

So you check all that, but you don't check to see what your ride options options are.

In this economy, next time, check Lyft.