S5E13 - 'Fight or Flight'

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You check your hair and reflective surfaces and the world around you for recession indicators.

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In this economy, next time, check Lyft.

Coach, the energy out there felt different.

What changed for the team today?

It was the new game day scratchers from the California lottery.

Play is everything.

Those games sent the team's energy through the roof.

Are you saying it was the off-field play that made the difference on the field?

Hey, a little play makes your day, and today it made the game.

That's all for now.

Coach, one more question.

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The following podcast contains adult themes, sexual content, and strong language.

Basically, all the good stuff.

Hello, and welcome to my dad, Rota Porno.

It's chapter 13, the last chapter of Melinda Blink Five.

Oh my God.

What a milestone.

We got to five.

This is mad.

I mean, it's mad that we're still talking.

It's mad that you're still talking to Rocky.

It's mad that anybody's still alive.

It's mad that

no STIs have been mentioned.

The whole thing is just absolutely batshit.

It really is.

Could you have imagined a time when you'd have five Belinda Blink books under your belts?

Do you know what?

I was thinking about this the other day.

I actually can't believe we're still doing

when dad first sent me these books.

I honestly wanted to die inside.

The thought of reading five of them to the world.

It's so bizarre that we're here.

But we are going to have a break.

Yes.

Until January.

When we just read porn for the whole year.

Yeah.

Literally every night for 365 days.

No, we're going on tour, obviously, as I'm sure you already know.

We're off to Australia starting in January.

Yeah, America, Europe, all of the UK.

Anywhere, basically, that a character has ever originated from and more.

Yeah, and it's Belinda's 30th birthday.

It's an absolute riot.

It's so much fun.

Yeah, and Rocky's written a very special new kind of chapter.

It's a pick your porno.

You get to decide the narrative and what happens next.

I mean, I don't know why we thought him changing the narrative structure to make it more more complicated would work out.

But we're going to give it a whirl all the same.

He's done it now.

He is struggling with the format somewhat, but you know.

I mean, he can't write from A to B.

Never mind.

From A or B or C.

What you got to do?

So if the thought of a confusing yet wild evening entices you, go to mydaddrewporno.com forward slash live right now to get your tickets.

They're selling out.

Be quick.

Yeah, they are.

Oh, they are, Jamie.

There's no back in our house.

I know.

We actually have to do it now.

Fuck.

You are tied in my darling.

Okay, well, should we finish Blender Blink 5?

No, I don't want to yet.

Yeah, I want to know what happens.

No, I don't.

I don't.

And actually, if we read it, we probably won't find out what happens, so it's fine.

We should do it.

Maybe there's a clue in the chapter title.

Would you care to share?

Would you like to do the honours, sir, for the final time

for book five?

I would be honoured, actually, Alice.

It's called Fight or Flight.

That's the right phrase, isn't it?

Yeah, that's sensible.

Oh, God, he's got good.

Oh, fuck.

I was waiting for like fight or fuck.

Or like fight or clit.

no yeah just fight or flight this just shows you how eroded my brain is from this process i'm like but that sounds correct

that makes sense what's going on dad

okay it has got a semicolon after it just you know be a form of form guys hold my hands oh my hands are really sweaty oh both of your hands are really sweaty okay undo that idea i'm just so excited i feel like james is always secretly turned on but he just hides it really well yeah he's been rubbing his eggs for years Why do you think I sit as close to the table as possible?

It's to hide my boner.

He's got a cheeky rocky boner.

Everybody's got a racky boner.

Where's your little racky boner?

We've all secretly been turned on at one time in.

No, no one.

Are you fucking mad?

Fuck off.

There was actually.

At that time, POLs.

Tamarix Flute.

Really?

Smoke up the ass.

Ass play.

No, no, I'm saying, was it for you?

Oh, for you, James.

Oh, no.

Yeah, that's.

Anyway, what's going on in the chapter?

Have you ever been turned on by Rocky Flintstone's work?

Please email us.

Have you ever been affected by the issues raised in this episode?

It's exactly James' joke, but said again in exactly the same voice, but that's become one of the tropes of the podcast.

I hope you enjoy.

You'll miss this every week.

Do you like that joke?

Just wait 10 seconds, you'll hear it again.

Oh, I've built a career on it.

I really have.

That and just repeating lines from a voice.

Just loud and screaming.

But to be fair, if they don't like that, they wouldn't still be here at this chapter, would they?

So.

Okay.

So, Belinda Blinked 5, Chapter 13.

Fight or Flight.

In the safety of the Safe House, Des Martin, Ken Jewsbury, Patrick.

Taddio Hamlin, Jim Thompson, David Will Wilcox, Bill Philip,

and Tony Sylvester were playing Strip Rummy Cub.

Strip Rummy Cub.

Oh, real game.

So he's not changed the name.

Real game.

Interesting.

A lovely numbers-based game.

What is Rummy Cub, please?

It's the one on tiles, which looks initially a bit like dominoes, but they've got little numbers symbols on.

I mean, I'd say it's quite a sedate game.

Yeah.

And usually nudeness, not a thing.

Sounds like a kind of old manny game, something that might be played in a day centre.

Yeah, exactly.

Yeah.

Bridge and Rummy Cub.

Actually, yes.

Maybe that's what what the safe house is an old people's home it does sound a bit like that actually now you say it um so they're all playing strip rummy cub all the men were half naked or worse or worse

apart from bill from hr who had donned a bobble hat scarf and three shirts for the occasion clever put more layers on

the first time bill's been smart so he's wearing a bobble hat scarf and three shirts this despite being the four times in a row end of year rummy cub champion of the medway towns well that's why he wears many, many layers.

He knows what he's doing.

Group of Sevens, shouted Ken Jewsbury as he peeled off his yellowing underpants.

So that's bad, Group of Sevens.

Well, I thought he meant yellowing underpants.

I was like, it's not good.

No, I think that's good, isn't it?

Oh, I don't know.

What if you win, you take

the aim to be naked?

He loves games, your dad.

Yeah.

But

do you have a Flintstone games night?

Do you do that?

No, we don't really, actually.

No, I think he's probably just channelling all of that into these books.

So not a Christmas even?

No, because half the family don't really like the competitive nature of games oh yes I do know this yeah there's a bit of a division within the ranks half of us are very competitive and half of us aren't at all I do recall it's not a good mix I think I know which one you are

so grouper sevens as he peeled off his yellowing underpants he pranced around his fellow cocks flapping and thrashing his own with smugness sit down

it sounds like you know when kids love being naked and they love just sort of like parading around that's what it sounds like.

Usually just wearing wellies.

Do you remember there's like loads of home movies of you just wearing like a hat and nothing else?

Yeah, I know.

Just as he was showing off his chopper to the group, the secret door chime chimed.

It chime chimed.

It chime chimed.

Like, quick, lads, put your clothes on.

We're not going to be able to explain this one in a hurry.

Bill's like, who looks stupid now when they're 22 bubble hats?

Paddy O'Hamlin gulped as he stretched his legs vertically.

Vertically.

What?

Stood up.

Oh, right.

So I was like, eh?

Don't stand up.

It could be Bish,

hissed Desmartin.

Ringing the doorbell.

And also, standing up's not going to make a difference.

If anything, I'd want to be standing.

It could be Bish, hissed Desmartin, wearing only his tie.

Petrified, the safe house would be compromised and he'd have to return to his dank bedsit and sham of a life.

God, I hope it's not the elderly Bish.

He can barely walk.

He'd probably just want to join in with the rummy club.

Run!

War!

I mean, you'd hear his rasp before you saw him.

But Tony just nodded.

To the jingle-dangle.

What was it called again?

The chime chimes.

The chime chimes.

The pantless Patrick O'Hamlin cautiously went to the hall.

Put your trousers on.

And opened the front door.

Oh, come on.

That DHL delivery man is going to get quite the eyeball.

Sorry, next door wasn't in.

So can I leave this package with you?

They said it was the safe place or is it safe house?

There

sat atop Toffee Apple Chew.

Oh, shut up.

Was the Duchess.

I mean,

we wanted it.

We asked for it.

I mean, what did we expect?

Sat atop.

So, how has she pushed the doorbell?

Toffee Apple Chew's done it.

It's a chime.

So maybe it's just like you pull it.

So who's done that?

She has, he has.

Oh, no, but they're both she.

They're both she, actually.

My apologies, yeah.

Ms.

Toffee Apple Chew.

Solstices stallion.

Oh, my apologies, yeah, of course.

Yeah, tie her up somewhere.

You can't tie Toffee Apple Chew.

You can't tie her down.

Ain't nobody can hold her down.

I'm just picturing the Duchess kind of like hanging off Toffee Apple Chew, trying to reach the doorbell.

Like,

very strong legs.

And then what she's going to do is she tries to go through the door, just like punch, like lie on Toffee Apple Chew.

Yeah, because presumably...

I mean, she's way above the door.

So as you open the door, you're just looking at the chest of Toffee Apple Chew.

The Duchess can probably see into the first floor?

Also, it's not called a chest.

What is it on a horse?

I don't know.

What is that?

I don't know.

The flank?

No, that's the bum, isn't it?

Oh, God, what am I doing?

Breast.

The breast?

Do you ever hear about a horse breast, do you?

I bet Toffee Apple Chew's got a lovely breast.

Paddy bowed as they clopped into the safe.

No, they didn't.

And into the billiard room.

Okay, one thing, right?

Right.

It's a safe house.

We've established it's supposed to be a little bit under the radar.

We've already decided it's not.

But seeing a duchess who we presume is wearing a white suit clop on a horse into a house, that's going to draw a crowd.

With a door opened by a nude.

Yes, exactly.

And isn't it central London?

I think it's Oxford Street.

Yeah, it's basically next to Top Man, which, by the way, is right with the chew.

Have you got a coconut?

They're good for me.

I want to make like

the clip-klop.

Oh, yeah, sorry, my coconuts, are they?

I just want to make the clip-clop of Toppy Apple Chew.

Okay, I've got these.

These are perfect.

Okay.

So, Paddy bowed as they clopped into the safe house.

Very good.

If you want to create your own toffee apple chew, just a couple of wooden bowls from the home.

I'm so glad I bothered to get up for that.

Oh my gosh, actually, as you did the canter, very nice.

Yeah, was she dancing?

Get a dressage there.

Toffee Apple Chew drank from a decanter of finest cider.

He's such a piss head.

Why is Toffee Apple Chew, Bella?

I also feel like we're gonna have lots of complaints from animal activists as well.

You cannot keep

a horse alive on cider.

Toffee Apple Chew drank from a decanter of finest cider as the Duchess spoke to the dishevelled group.

I have had word from Agent Spooner that Belinda and Bella have been captured.

Oh, Bish Bish and Giselle have them, along with your brother, Tony.

No!

Tony cried.

So this is the first Tony's heard that his brother's in coaches for Giselle.

Wow.

You really embodied that surprise.

Did I?

Yeah, that was lovely.

Fuck off.

It was kind of raw.

It was...

Visceral.

It really was.

It was vulnerable.

I'm nearly crying.

That was such a beautiful performance.

I hope the Academy are listening because

the Oscars race has just blown wide open.

Absolutely.

All right, you two.

And if there is a best horse category, can I just

drunk?

In the Aussie jail.

We've left.

Okay, fine.

No, next.

Drummer.

In the Aussie jail, there was nothing left for Belinda, Bella, and Spooner to do but bonk the bones off each other.

To be fair, yeah.

If you've got nothing else to do, have a quick fumble.

Bella provided the vagina.

Oh, it's a...

Oh, it's a kind of potchluck.

Yes.

Bella provided the vagina.

Belinda provided the boobs.

And Spoons provided the meat to complete the private part picnic.

Should we have a picnic?

Do you think of boobs as private parts?

I suppose they are.

Well, you wouldn't get them out in Waitrose, would you?

No, true.

I love that Waitrose is the barometer.

There's a lot I wouldn't get out in Waitrose.

Jailman was providing audio commentary of the proceedings.

How do I forget about Jailman?

Brilliant.

Favourite character.

Like a director's commentary.

Oh, it's not going to be, we're looking at the cell from afar, is it?

On this day, it was really difficult actually because it was raining outside.

So you had to do everything.

A lot of people were unionised, so what we were struggling with was daylight hours.

So Jailman was providing audio commentary of the proceedings as he used one of the cell bars and a big book of clink procedures to fuck his cock dry.

What?

What?

He put his cock in a book and like wanked himself off.

Well, he used one of the cell bars and a big book of clink procedures.

What do you mean?

So I think he probably rested his cock between the bar and the book and fucked the two.

That's mental.

That is bonkers.

Have you ever heard of wanking?

Just put it in your hand.

That's what they're there for.

That's the only reason they're there, right?

Put your hands.

Don't worry about a ring-bam folder or whatever he's using.

The clink procedures.

That is.

Bonkers is such the right word.

Have you done that?

I mean, is that a thing that boys do?

What you get like...

What two objects?

No, yeah.

Surely not.

There's like fleshlights and things, isn't there?

You can put them in things like that, but yeah, it's just a recreation of a vagina.

Sure, but to sandwich them between two items.

What does a fleshlight look like, like a vagina?

No, it's kind of like a long thin tube.

It's like a torch, shaped like a torch.

And it's got a vagina at the top of it.

Yeah, as in like, does it have a cylinder and then you put your dick in?

Jamie, it's not a real vagina, just saying.

Yes, I'm aware of that, then.

But there's there's a bit to give that illusion.

Kind of.

It's styled up vagina-esque.

I think you have to.

There's a bit of an imagination involved, but yeah.

Well, it's a big tube, so yeah, probably.

But is there like a, if you like boys' bits, is there like a boy version?

Well, tildos.

No, but is there like a bum version?

Oh, yeah, is there like an ass?

Oh, uh, yeah, probably.

Should we have a look?

Yeah, please.

Might have to go incognito mode for this, guys.

No doubt now on your computer, James.

James, your computer is a den of iniquity.

Your search gay fleshlight did not match any documents.

Oh my god, I haven't seen that forever.

What?

This is so weird.

Shall I try?

It's been blocked in this house.

Alice, have you got printer controls on?

Gay.

Yeah.

Everything that's gay.

It's not getting through.

Oh, comes up for me.

Oh, how do I turn off safe search?

I don't want that one.

There we go, that's what I meant.

Hello.

Like a little puckered bum.

Lovely.

Look at that.

I love that guy's just carrying it under his arm like a clutch bag.

They describe it as a lumberjack male masturbator.

Oh, so you can choose what profession your bum has.

Oh, that's nice.

No but you actually can because you can give your backside a backstory.

Because this one's a lifeguard.

Oh wow.

Oh and this one's a painter decorator.

This one's between jobs.

This one's not freelance and it's finding it quite tough.

Wow, that's amazing.

I think it makes it all the more enjoyable.

I don't like these ones that are just a bum and a penis.

Oh, is that a combo set?

Oh my god.

Oh gosh.

It's connected.

Save that picture for me.

I want to post that.

That's shit.

I don't know where I want to post it.

I just want to post it somewhere.

So that's like the bum that just turns into a massive cock.

That's very extraordinary.

What's that for?

Ones in one.

Yeah, you're using the flashlight and then you're going into your partner's actual bum.

With a dildo.

Yeah, with the dildo part.

Sorry, what?

Well, that's what I'm trying to work out how you'd use that.

Isn't it just so you've got two options at different times?

Honestly.

Sorry.

I don't think we can put that anywhere.

Can that go on Instagram?

It'll get taken down.

Yeah, that's indecent.

That'll get a little bit of a picture.

Can you pixelate it so people just get the idea?

You can put it on Twitter, though.

Porn's allowed on Twitter.

Okay, fine.

What's it called?

It's called Fuck My Cock XL.

Just search for Fuck My CockXL and you can see what we're looking at.

It's made by Piped Dream Extreme.

Well, sales are going to go through the roof now.

I'll let that as a personal endorsement.

Oh, that's it.

It says, fuck my ass while you stroke my cock.

Oh, lovely.

So you

go into.

So you feel breach around.

Yeah, so you go into it and then you feel the penis.

But why?

It would feel just like a silicon dildo.

That's blue.

I'm sorry, guys.

I'm not suggesting it.

I'm just trying to ascertain how it works.

No pun on ascertain.

I thought you were the spokeswoman for fucking my cock's XL.

Oh, God.

Well, that was a fun diversion.

So, yeah, so he's basically fucking his cock dry, the jailman.

But he's also giving the audio commentary.

So.

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You check your feed and your account.

You check the score and the restaurant reviews.

You check your hair and reflective surfaces and the world around you for recession indicators.

So, you check all that, but you don't check to see what your ride options are.

In this economy, next time, check lift.

Coach, the energy out there felt different.

What changed for the team today?

It was the new game day scratchers from the California Lottery.

Play is everything.

Those games sent the team's energy through the roof.

Are you saying it was the off-field play that made the difference on the field?

Hey, a little play makes your day, and today it made the game.

That's all for now.

Coach, one more question.

Play the new Los Angeles Chargers, San Francisco 49ers, and Los Angeles Rams Scratchers from the California Lottery.

A little play can make your day.

Please play responsibly, must be 18 years or older to purchase, play, or claim.

The stupid spy is starting off the foreplay by rubbing Sheila Senior's biggish nips.

Sheila Senior?

Who's Sheila Senior?

Which one's more...

Well, she was providing the boobs, Belinda, so I guess

why is she senior?

Oh, senior.

She's more senior in the seals.

Oh, right, not in age, of course.

Sorry.

By rabbing Sheila Sr.'s biggish nips, and they're growing by the second.

Quite impressively, he's also nibbling Sheila Jr.'s lady salad.

And boy, is she laving his tongue twitch.

I love that we're getting the action through Rocky Flintstone through the jailman.

It's like a double filter of mad.

It's just fucking a book and a bar.

I mean, literally.

So he's saying it to get himself off while he has sex with the terms and conditions section of the jail manual.

Do you want to shut the fuck up?

You're putting me off my licking.

Well, to be fair to Spooner, I'm with him.

Shouted back Spoons as he guided his wood into Bella's

deforestationed forest.

I think deforestationed.

That's just desolate.

A comment on the Amazon rainforest, climate change.

Oh gosh, is that a political?

That's a political comment.

He then just says, do none of you grow your pubes anymore?

So it's actually just a comment on bushes.

And actually, a comment on, we presume, what Rocky thinks about the new trend for hair removal.

These young people.

What's wrong with the Big Seventh is Bush?

Do none of you grow your pubes anymore?

asked Spoons as Belinda squatted on his face to close his mouth with muff.

Shh.

It's gentrification gone mad, isn't it?

All this hair removal.

She gyrated over him like a deity of sex, while Spooner churned Bella's butter with his hips and thrust.

Her butter?

What's her butter?

You know what her butter is.

What's her butter, please?

He's turning her cream to butter.

Yeah, it's disgusting.

Good lord.

Thank God this is the end of the book.

And also, I kind of want to be vegan now.

Upstairs, Bish, his goons and his personal travelling nurse, Gunter.

Hello, Gunter.

Gunter, the nurse.

I feel like there's going to be a Gunther, Gunt.

Like there's going to be some...

Something's going to go on.

So Bish, his goons, and his personal travelling nurse, Gunther, were in town.

Where's she been?

As he's been dying slowly.

Oh, do we think it's a she?

Gunther?

Yeah, Gunther.

Gunther in France.

Oh, actually, yeah, you're right.

Oh.

I presumed it was a male nurse.

Gunda.

Oh, Gunda.

Yeah, Gunda.

Well, say Gunda then.

Oh, did I not say Gunther?

You said Gunther.

Oh, did it?

Oh, sorry.

Was that just your very authentic accent that was leading us astray?

Gunda.

Gunda.

Gunda.

Fine.

Okay, so upstairs, Bish, his goons, and his personal travelling nurse, Gunda, were interrogating George's outfit.

What, like, fashion polices?

Those trousers were that, child.

Gross.

You stole the

killed Zip.

You lost the Trioxibrilloplan.

Not at.

Did you get a word of that?

You

tried you

You stole Z Euros.

Yes.

You killed Z prof.

Yes.

You lost Z trioxy pillow plans with a Z.

Yes.

And I thought you'd woofed your last woof, added Gunda.

Hi Gunda, you're so grey.

I thought you'd woofed your last wolf.

Yeah.

And I thought you'd woofed your last wolf.

Bish looked embarrassed as George spoke a pathetic whimper.

She she

she knows the secrets here

I p p promise

Who is she?

Who is she?

Who is she?

Yeah, thanks.

Blumenthal.

She's in the clink below.

Oh my god.

Exactly.

Grinned Bish

before his face fell like a brown-rimmed lettuce leaf.

Obsessed with lettuce and healthy eating this chapter.

So she's like, he's like,

his face fell.

But one of you

must die.

Why?

I guess it's a punishment, I don't know.

You're looking at me so inquisitively.

I'm not sure why.

Take the special one, Giselle.

She's disposable.

I'm the brains.

She's just the pinky.

Does pinky mean just the vagina?

Yeah, it's just the fleshlight.

Just the girl.

Just the fleshlight.

Oh, my God.

She's just a fleshlight to me.

What a solid duo.

Take her.

Yeah, thanks, George.

I know, what a dick.

If that was a test of solidarity, you'd be like, you failed.

Yeah, so take the special one, Giselle.

Fine.

Bish clicked.

But Giselle...

was nowhere to be seen with eyes or smelt with noses.

Giselle's no fool.

She hasn't got this far to be killed by an old fart.

Stinky old bitch.

A bag of old bones, or whatever he described him as before.

Curdled old eggs.

Curdled old eggs, exactly.

Dare I say it, and maybe this isn't the moment, but could she be on the turn?

Could she now be a double agent?

So she's disappeared because she's going to go free the guys.

I know what we said before.

She can't turn back the hands of time.

She can't get them back on side because so much water's passed under the bridge.

But just saying.

The good thing is they're thick as shit, so they'll probably forget everything.

everybody.

But also, Rocky has quite a short memory for stuff.

In these books, he doesn't hold a grudge.

People kind of forgive and forget, so I'm just wondering.

What do you think Giselle's gonna double or triple?

So I guess it would be triple, wouldn't it?

She's gonna have gone from Steel's side to Bishop's side, back to Steel's side.

So, Giselle was nowhere to be seen with eyes or smelt with noses.

Giselle slipped down stair upon stair upon stairs.

She went downstairs, cool.

But she slipped.

She fell downstairs.

She's falling downstairs.

I don't think she's there.

I think she's slipping like a little bag.

Giselle slipped back downstair upon stair upon stair from the word war above deck.

Oh, them having a little to-do.

So she must have been in the room and just literally just walked out the door and no one knows.

Where is Giselle?

She left.

Did you not see?

She opened the door and left.

Did Gunda not see her?

Jailman, leave these bitches and their boy to me.

She barked, sleek in mink.

I'm just saying, why is she going down there?

But I've been told not to leave their side, I special one.

In fact, this reminds me of a little saga involving a used car salesman and a recycling plant.

I love jailman.

Oh, regale me with tales, jailman.

You see, no one.

But the jailman couldn't finish his story.

Oh, thank god for that.

Why did he come in the folder?

Because Giselle had kneed him in the ghoulies and put him in the face.

How?

Is it a book in between the bars of the cell?

Also, ghoulies.

Great shout out.

We haven't had goolies.

Fuck off.

She spat as he shuffled to the ensuite kitchenette to make a tub of spiced water noodles.

Who did?

Jelly.

Joe Mann.

Actually, there are some quite good varieties of instant noodles, so they're not to be sniffed at.

As a quick lunch or a snack, I really wouldn't poo-poo them.

I know, but you know how he changes names to stop saying brand names.

He's come with a really unappetizing one there, spiced water noodles.

Save me a bit.

Belinda, Bella and Spooner looked petrified as Giselle approached their cell.

But

what?

To their utter surprise, not mine, not mine, she began unlocking the clink clink cage.

Oh my god, oh my god, oh my god, oh my god.

You must escape now.

Oh my god.

Bish and his goons, not to mention evil George, will be down soon.

Evil George!

There is no time.

But you're an evil bitch, exclaimed Belinda.

Let's not get into a slangy match now.

Exactly.

Get the fuck out of the cell.

But you're an evil bitch, exclaimed Belinda.

Guilty's charge.

Now off you, Bob.

Thank you, it'd be nice.

I have been.

It's true, those words of yours.

But I was only doing it to save my poor mother.

Oh, for fuck's sake, come on.

This is shoehorned in.

You see, she has a weird illness that's ill-defined and hard to say.

Which I can barely spell or write down here.

And also, I'm Rocky, so I kind of don't want to be too specific in case I get in trouble.

She's got an illness that I don't have time to Google.

You see, she has a weird illness that's ill-defined and hard to say.

Oh god, it is hard to say.

Oh my god, he's gonna say it!

Conchocatis

detritus.

Well, I've had that dessert, it's delicious.

It's a bit like a tiramisu.

Yeah, it's Italian.

Come it, please.

So, C-O-N.

Sorry, why is it basically her surname?

C-H-A-K-K-U-T.

No, it's not.

R-I-T-U-S

hyphen D-E-T-R-I-T-U-S.

You just said all of the letters in all of the orders.

What?

You're not going to believe this.

What?

Your search does not match anything.

Obviously, that's not ludicrous.

So she's right.

It is hard to say.

So conchacaritatus.

Detritus.

Deteritis.

So conchacatritis.

Chacodemus implies detritus.

Conchacatritis deteritis.

Conchacatritis detoritis.

God, it sounds lovely.

Conchacatitis, detoritis.

Conchacatitis, detoritis.

Altogether now.

Conchacatitis, detoritis.

So, Mrs.

Miles Charlotte, Verde de Clott says, Conchacatitis, detoritis.

Bloody hell.

I mean, that'd kill you saying that, wouldn't it?

Sorry, sorry, it's no laughing matter, Jamie.

I'm so sorry.

So, you see, she has a weird illness that's ill-defined and hard to say.

It's fatal without millions of pounds worth of experimental treatment.

Oh, gosh, now I feel terrible.

Bella and Belinda's red hearts pumped harder than before.

That's called sympathy.

Their glee team member wasn't all bad after all.

Jesus, this is going to be so saccharine and disgusting at the end, isn't it?

Also, she's killed people.

Like, bad stuff has happened.

Because, granted, her mum has chonkatoritis, deteritis.

But the thing is, other innocent people have been injured and worse in the process of trying to raise the money for her very experimental surgery.

Why is this turning into a comic relief, BT?

What's wrong with the just giving page?

Seriously!

As they walked out of the cell, Belinda spoke 17 letters.

Conchakaritis deteritis.

Giselle, come with us.

I can't.

I've done too much wrong.

I betrayed you all.

I killed Slintz and I broke my wedding vows.

Wait, do they know that Slintz is dead?

That's going to be a revelation, isn't it?

Yeah, what?

Yeah.

Oh, no, don't come with us.

See ya.

In the clints.

How?

Asked Bella.

I suffocated Slintz with my perfect lids.

You didn't, Giselle.

Oh, shut up.

Is he going to unzip?

Is he going to unzip?

Is he going to unzip?

Is he going to unzip?

Is he going to unzip?

Spooner's voice reigned through the bars.

Oh, my God.

Really?

Is it true that Slintz suffered from a lot of allergies?

Was he allergic to pussy juice?

asked Giselle.

I am.

No, he took a cyanide pill.

No, he took a cyanide pill.

No, I heard you.

Yeah, the question remains.

What?

It was a readout on one of our monitors.

If anything, Giselle, you made his last moments on Earth the best his virgin ass could have asked for.

Okay, so much to pick apart there.

I feel so sad for Slint because he was a 70-year-old virgin.

And he died never knowing.

Well, he did know it because he died, never knowing the joy of sex, though, because for him it was fatal.

So Giselle's in the clear because he was going to die anyway.

Bizarre caveats.

Suddenly have come out of fucking nowhere.

Because apparently he took a cyanide pill.

Convenient.

Her mum's got mar charcoalville diquoxitis.

And apparently, in fact, she's just an incredibly altruistic person.

Wait a sec.

Sorry.

So, why and when did he take the cyanide pill?

I guess when he was in captivity.

Captivity?

He's got panda.

Oh, right, as a kind of fail-safe.

If anybody gets hold of him, I guess.

God, that's fine.

She's saying you don't have a cyanide pill with you at all times in case you get captured.

Take it to East Berlin.

We've always said if anybody captures Jamie and wants to know what happens at the end of the series, he has to cut himself off.

I had my cyanide pill.

You've got to take the cyanide pill.

So.

You check your feed and your account.

You check the score and the restaurant reviews.

You check your hair and reflective surfaces and the world around you for recession indicators.

So you check all that, but you don't check to see what your ride options are.

In this economy, next time, check Lyft.

Coach, the energy out there felt different.

What changed for the team today?

It was the new game day scratches from the California lottery.

Play is everything.

Those games sent the team's energy through the roof.

Are you saying it was the off-field play that made the difference on the field?

Hey, a little play makes your day, and today it made the game.

That's all for now.

Coach, one more question.

Play the new Los Angeles Chargers, San Francisco 49ers, and Los Angeles Rams Scratchers from the California Lottery.

A little play can make your day.

Please play responsibly.

Must be 18 years or older to purchase, play, or claim.

If anything, Giselle, you made his last moments on earth the best his virgin ass could have asked for.

Oh

Giselle breathed.

But just then a scary sound rang out.

You treacherous, not so special one.

Oh, what a beautiful twist on the special one

screamed Herr Wolfgang Bisch from the top of the stairs to the clink.

Oh, he can't take stairs.

Giselle whipped her hair back, a few tufts floating off in the wind resistance.

Oh, yeah, she's got that condition.

Well, she's got an even worse condition than her mum.

Bish jumped from the ropes.

Ropes?

Bish jumped from the ropes.

What is it?

A gymnasium?

A wrestling ring.

Bish jumped from the ropes a long dagger between his yellow to ochre to brown to black teeth.

Where's the dagger?

In his mouth.

What is happening?

This man can't walk.

Never mind jump from some ropes with a dagger in his mouth.

A fart nearly killed him earlier.

Unless, of course, Gunda's given him a big hit of something.

Yeah.

You're as bad as a Stephen Segal film, hair bish.

Now, that's harsh on Stephen.

He was very bankable in his day.

Well, made a fortune.

And I hated giving you head, Giselle shouted.

I'd forgotten that.

Yeah, drummer.

It wasn't a head, was it?

She like licked a bit of cum off his

old Todger.

I guess you get what you can get, don't you?

Jaded it.

And I hated giving you head.

Oh my god, he's got so red.

He cackled his ugly-as-his-face laugh.

That was just Jamie, that wasn't in the book.

It's die time, Fraulein's and Frau.

Die time?

I think we all need to work on our Smack Talk.

It's die time, not so special one.

And Bish and his goons started fighting the glee team, but they gave what's for.

I imagine that do you remember Batman back in the day, like the 60s four?

Yeah.

Shablam!

As Belinda was wrestling goon number four, tall and quite attractive, actually.

Bish.

Have we heard from four?

Four's one of the online.

New character, four.

Just four.

As Belinda was wrestling goon number four, tall and quite handsome, actually, Bish was creeping up behind her.

Diddy, did he, did he?

Come on, guys.

No, no, it's fine.

It's Bish.

You sound like Bish.

That's literally his death rattle.

From her side-eye, Bella saw the little rat man and ran.

Her jugs bounced up and down in slow motion as she made her way across the clink.

Baywatch.

The clink's getting bigger and bigger, isn't it?

Before, it was really quite petite.

Before the bad man could hurt Belinda, Bella smashed into Bish, taking him clean out.

Yes, Bella!

Yes, Bella!

The bodyguard!

She was the bodyguard in Australia!

That's what she's there for.

Go on, Kevin Costner.

He flew across the room, landing in the lap of the slurping jailman.

He's enjoying his water noodles.

Yes, nothing is coming in the way of his pot noodle.

The major incident is going to be a light burn from the pot noodle.

Thanks, Bella.

You saved my life.

She did, shouted Belinda Belinda as she jaw-kicked the goon into last week.

When did everybody get so good at martial arts?

I'll never not have my eye on your backside, Belinda.

We're the fucking glee team.

Now that's a lie, Bella.

That's a good lie.

That's the strap line, isn't it?

Of the Glee Team movie.

I'll never not have my eye on your backside.

The Glee Team.

Then they high-fived.

And of course, it's a double negative.

Very rocky.

I'll never not, never be not having my iron never on your backside.

And they both looked at the goon punching Giselle, and the three smiled at the three.

This is so ridiculously tied up with a bow, it makes me want to cry.

The fight between George and Spooner was really not nice.

No matter how much George tries to slash at Her Majesty's favourite, Spoons used his MI5-trained capoeira to kick him down.

Interesting use of tense there.

So we were suddenly like present tense with tries.

Yes.

And then back to normal again.

I mean, great.

I mean, just keeping us on that toast.

Capoeira as well.

What a beautiful hypnotic movement thing.

I'd love to see that.

It's Brazilian, isn't it?

Oh, well, that'll be why if Corridor's probably done it.

Probably thought he was doing it.

Oh, it's very authentic capoeira, actually.

It is Brazilian, and he knows it.

But Spoons,

he was flagging.

You're a second-rate spy spooner.

You're the laughing stock of the intelligence services and I fucked your secretary behind the bins.

Oh.

Now that's just dirty play, isn't it?

I thought we were doing some nice capoeira.

I thought we were being gentlemen about this fight.

Not Peggy Loveleaf.

Not my Peg.

Not Peggy Lovelaf and don't drag Peggy into this.

And also, Peggy Loveleaf isn't shagging by the bins.

She's a classy lady.

I don't know who the fuck Peggy Lovelaf is.

Yeah.

Peggy Loveleaf.

Dry old bird, isn't she?

Okay, okay, okay.

So, A, rude, but B, he's supposedly a well-oiled spy machine, right?

So, he's had training to withstand interrogation, to be effective in so many different scenarios.

A bit of like talk about his secretary isn't gonna throw him off the case, is it?

Bawling his eyes at the same time.

Yeah,

he's not a delicate flower.

Dry old bird, isn't she?

How dare you?

Spoons yelled as he lunged to punch George.

But George was quicker than most with a rotten leg.

Rotten.

Oh, yes,

he's been war-wounded, this man.

He'd pulled out a smallish dagger.

Is everyone fighting with daggers?

What shop are they getting these daggers from?

Bella's got a butter knife.

What's everyone doing?

He'd pulled out a smallish dagger and killed him there and then.

Oh my god, sir!

Women scream.

Oh my god.

Spooner fell to the ground, dead as the lost kings of England.

Oh my god, really?

Dead?

Yeah, done.

Dead.

Dead as a dadager.

Spooner's got up.

Yeah, he's over.

James over.

He's over.

Spooner's cancelled.

To be fair.

To be fair, what?

He was shit, wasn't he?

I'm not going to miss him.

That's all I'm saying.

In the line of duty, do you think he'll get a kind of, you know, a national.

Yeah, maybe that's where his night is going to come from.

Yeah.

He's earned it now.

Sir James Spooner.

Yeah.

Not over my dead body.

Not over his dead body, apparently.

James, so cold.

I'm over it.

Move on.

What's next?

So Spooner fell to the ground, dead as the lost kings of England.

Bish started cackling like a possessed demon at the death.

But suddenly the clink was filled with cocks.

Oh, oh, C-O-C-K-A.

C-O-C-K-A.

Sophia Trump and Rescue.

I mean, I would say a little bit late because Spoons is dead, but.

yeah don't worry Olna.

Sorry you got a bit held up.

The RSMs took the lead as they fought and captured goon after goon.

A helium balloon rose from below ground with a little basket full of Bavarian treats and steins of beer.

In jumped Bish.

In jumped George.

What?

They hit a hot air balloon under the clink.

I don't understand.

An escape hot air balloon.

The slowest way to escape from anything.

Fucking hot air balloon.

But they've had so much of a head start that they've had time to pack Bavarian cheeses and hams and breads.

For the journey.

No, I understand why.

I just don't understand why they've had so long to prepare.

Same place they got the daggers.

A one-stop shop.

So a helium balloon rose from

a hit.

It's a blimp, is it?

Stop not one helium balloon.

With a little basket full of Bavarian treats and steins of beer.

Oh, yum, yum, yum.

In jumped Bish.

He didn't jump.

This man is just...

He's honestly a sack of shit.

Like, he didn't jump.

In jumped Bish, in jumped George.

And just as they were taking off,

They grabbed Belinda and hoisted her inside.

No.

Do you understand?

What?

They've kidnapped Belinda.

So they must have dragged her out of the room where the clink is.

They didn't just grab her.

What through the window?

Sorry, Bish did that.

He can't even lift his own hand.

What do you mean while you're just accepting it?

What's the geography of this?

As they flew into the orange sky, Belinda looked down at her crying friends as Bish scrappled for purchase.

Oh, he didn't scrapple, did he?

Scrapple.

Lord above, don't scrapple.

As Bish scrappled for purchase, his laderhosen had ridden up his scrawny grey bum.

He's wearing laderhosen.

Duffuck.

Guys, what?

Belinda gasped.

On his rotten little leg.

Wait, who's got the rotten leg?

They've all got rotten legs.

On his rotten little leg.

Why has everyone got gangrene?

Sat a tattoo of three bees intertwined in fancy writing.

Belinda pulled up her own sundress

and revealed the exact same

press

on her upper thigh.

Bish, Belinda, and who's the third bee?

Yes,

family.

Herr Bish hissed as they flew far from anywhere.

Belinda

blinked.

What?

What?

What?

And that is the end of Belinda Blinked 5.

Fucking hell.

You could have put that in the rest of the book.

We've never heard about a tattoo before, nah.

I'm exhausted!

Like 13 chapters for one eventful chapter.

I know her ass better than mine, and I've never seen a tattoo before.

Fuck, so they're somehow related.

Yes, family, they're somehow related.

Do we know Bish is?

Oh, Bish is the surname.

Yes, he's Wolfgang Bish, isn't he?

So Bish, Blumenthal.

Blumenthal, and there's another B somewhere.

Oh, well, that's Think.

Yeah, it could be Bill Mitchell.

How does one mark a clot?

There's a lot of silent B at the beginning.

Bella, but that's her first name.

Ridley, isn't she?

Yeah, yeah, shit.

What's Hazel's last name?

Lou Tanza?

I don't know.

Any of the RSMs?

Klaus Bloch.

Oh, the Bloch?

I can't really remember what his deal is.

What's the Duchess called?

We do know Gertrude of Epsom.

Oh, my God, this is mad.

So the suggestion being, obviously, that she's somehow choreographed this from the very beginning.

No, no, that she has a connection to Bish that she's never known about.

Oh, because she's shocked for him to reveal.

Fuck, Bishop.

Fuck, fuck.

Okay.

But when did she get the tattoo?

When she got the tattoo, was she not like, this is weird?

She's got the urge to get three B's.

Well, no, I think that that's kind of like maybe...

From birth.

Yeah.

What?

A birth branding.

A coat of arms.

Who's tattooing a baby?

And also, has she never questioned it?

Yeah.

She's like,

birthmark.

Wow.

Okay.

So, Giselle went good again.

Yeah.

Spoon is dead.

Yeah.

Belinda's in a hot air balloon with that tattoo and with Bish.

A family member.

And you can wank using a folder and a pole.

Yeah, I just have one question.

Did the jailman finish his pot noodle?

I'm keeping everything crossed.

If that's not a cliffhanger for book six, I don't know what is.

I have a question as well.

Does anyone care about the Trioxi Brillo range anymore?

Brillo range.

That could be the last bit.

Oh my god, yeah.

Wow.

Rocky.

Yeah.

Wow.

I mean, so many watts.

So many watts.

But that was, that was, that was brilliant.

That was one of the best chapters we've ever had, is it fair to say?

I can't breathe.

I feel winded.

Yeah.

Life can't really be the same again.

Well, there you go.

End of book five.

Wow.

Crazy.

But you know, there's going to be a Christmas episode.

So there is.

Jimmy, you just did an announcement.

Do it with a bit more gusto.

Okay.

There will be a Christmas Belinda Blink chapter.

Yeah, that's going to be fun.

Yeah, it'll be out on Monday, the 16th of December.

Yeah.

Oh, yeah, and those always come from God knows where and when.

So that'll be a nice possible flashback, flash forward.

Yeah.

Belinda's 60 60 years old with her own grandkids.

Yeah, don't expect any questions to be answered in that, but it will be jolly festive fun as usual.

Yes.

What a book it's been.

Yeah, it's been really fun, hasn't it?

I've enjoyed this one.

And we've had a really fun time with the footnotes.

So nice to talk to some listeners this time.

Yeah.

Yeah.

We've got to do that again.

Definitely.

Thank you to our footnotes guests as well.

Lynn Manuel Miranda, Josh Groban, Dan Levy, and your sister Alexa as well.

Lovely Alexa.

And thank you guys for listening.

We really, really do appreciate you that you come on this batshit crazy journey with us every year.

And I hope you've had as much fun as we have.

Yeah, it's just nice to know we're not on our own and we get all that fan art and loving theories, aggressive corrections.

You know, we welcome it all.

We read it all.

We ignore most of it.

Thank you so much.

You will have so many thoughts, feelings, emotions, all of them negative, I'm sure.

So if you want to sum up your thoughts on book five, my dadrotaporno at gmail.com.

And we're on all the socials as usual, Instagram at my dadrotaur.

Twitter at dadrotaporno.

And we're on Facebook too.

And see you on the road.

Well, you'll see us.

We'll be just in a hot air balloon kind of of bobbing about all the countries.

My stand-up moment, though, I mean, it's obvious from this chapter, surely.

I mean, Toffee Apple Chew trotting into that house.

I mean, I won't forget that in a hurry.

One last time, James.

Go on.

Oh, okay.

It'll be my pleasure.

And you can do it to the distance.

You check your feed and your account.

You check the score and the restaurant reviews.

You check your hair and reflective surfaces and the world around you for recession indicators.

So you check all that, but you don't check to see what your ride options are.

In this economy, next time, check Lyft.

Coach, the energy out there felt different.

What changed for the team today?

It was the new game day scratches from the California Lottery.

Play is everything.

Those games sent the team's energy through the roof.

Are you saying it it was the off-field play that made the difference on the field?

Hey, a little play makes your day, and today it made the game.

That's all for now.

Coach, one more question.

Play the new Los Angeles Chargers, San Francisco 49ers, and Los Angeles Rams Scratchers from the California Lottery.

A little play can make your day.

Please play responsibly, must be 18 years or older to purchase, play, or claim.