Footnotes: Finale Predictions

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Hello and welcome to the last footnotes of season five. Guys, we've finally made it.
We've made it and there's one chapter to go. Yep.
And no one has any fucking idea how it's going to end.

Including Including dad.

People have been sending in their theories. Are a single two the same? No, everyone's got a different theory.
Some theories are really interesting, stuff I've never thought of.

Some are insane, like this one. The entire chapter will be the slow and excruciating walk of Bish up the beach to where Belinda is eating.

Then at the last moment, the Duchess will pull off a mask, revealing herself as George all along. And Bish will finish the book with, I would have gotten a vet if it weren't for you meddling clits.

Would have was for it. I I would have gotten a wave of it if it weren't for you meddling clits.
I actually see how hard it is now for you to do that. It's really difficult.

It's a little scooby-doo reference there

for a young person there getting in touch with the show.

So, yeah, someone just thinks it's just going to be shitloads of detail, not much happen, as usual.

Christine thinks that Chef Cosmo Macaroon is Slintz's half-brother. And he tries to avenge his.

And he tries to avenge his death by capturing Giselle and forcing her to sing the praises of his brother's last invention, the Tri-Oxy, whatever, Tri-Oxy Brillo, thank you, on live TV.

Then the Duchess rescues Bella and Belinda. Q and Orgy, the end.
A few people think the Duchess is just going to show up last minute. Yes.

Because he has a tendency to just be like, let's put them in Australia. She's not been there in a while.

Someone will shag near Slintz's body and he'll come back to life for fear of missing out. If it can work for Bella's comra, it can work for dead Slints.

Giselle realises now she has Slintz, she no longer needs Belinda, so lets them all out of the cell. But turns out Slintz's death has given him amnesia.
So Steeles wins.

Death has given him amnesia, he's dead. Well, actually, his heart just stopped.
Oh. As in, like, he's been, you know, the FOMO's brought him back.
Okay.

So Steeles wins and applies for a patent on the Trioxy Brilliow range.

Plot twist, Giselle infiltrates the patent office, and the blueprints fall straight into her hands before the patent has been issued. That's brilliant.
Who's that?

Well done to you, Amy 1999. Very good, very good.

Chris says that Geremima Saint Frost first shows up and informs Belinda that everything that's happened since she set foot in the Royal Academy of Drama and stuff has been an elaborate setup as part of her real spy training.

A lot of people saying it's going to be kind of a last-minute twist like we're all in Bella's coma dream or Belinda's been asleep since like the car crash and everything.

Oh my god, to be fair, amazing if it is.

Some people aren't thinking that far ahead.

A bit like Zoe T, who says, either somehow they manage to lubricate the lock on the jail door so it comes off, or they lubricate themselves to squeeze between the bars and then they end up in in some sort of physical combat with Giselle which most likely will end in sex so that's basically just the next sort of 30 minutes planned as opposed to like the end of the book love it where they get in the lube is my big question I think they're self-lubring self-lube yeah oh okay I love this one actually a giant orgy ends with Bish dying of a heart attack that's not good that's sad but then we find out that jailman has been narrating the story this whole time jailman is rocky flintstone so jailman's the one that says we look from aloft yeah exactly because he's such a storyteller isn't he an incredible storyteller, one of the greatest orators of our time.

So he is, yeah, he is rocky. Uh, Lisa's made a good point.
I don't even understand what has happened, let alone what will happen. Yeah, Lisa, preach, sister, honestly.

Abigail thinks that Bish will gentleman woof in the cell, knocking all parties out instantly.

But luckily, Belinda was too busy knushing down on Bella's delicious folds that she's able to escape the toxic smell and stays silent just as Bish enters the cell. And then Belinda blinks.

So she's kind of gas mask. Yeah.
A little little vag mask. Yeah.
Vadge mask. A filter.
Spooner will rip off his mask and reveal that he's Cosmo Macaroon in disguise. Sent in as a distraction.

The real Spooner will rescue them just as Giselle and co-arrive. Belinda will reveal that she's an expert in the ancient art of pots and pans karate and kick some ass.

Bella will be oblivious to all of this. The book will end mid-sentence.

Oh, Jane, Jane, Jane, Jane, Jane. I like this one actually from Nat.
Cliffhanger. Spooner actually works for Bish, which explains why he's so shit.
He's a double agent. That could be interesting.

That would make sense because it's not clear why, as one of the top spies, he is so ineffective. Yeah.
A lot of predictions that Bish is going to die. So

I mean,

it's going to happen at some point. So why not in the jail? It's wishful thinking, isn't it, really? I think this one's written by a child.
Oh, God.

The Duchess will ride into the jail on toffee apple chew and have sex with everyone and save the day.

Who's that from? That's from Grant. From who's five?

Don't do that voice. If they aren't letting nuts into the country, Toffee Apple II isn't getting to Australia this year.
That's good. Do you think Toffee Apple II walks onto the plane and gets a seat?

Chris Tubbs says the last chapter will just be page 52 of the 1996 Summer Argos catalogue. Probably the most accurate one, yeah.
And also, as arbitrary as anything, you know, like, why not?

A lovely V-neck sweater, Alice. I mean, Matt just thinks that there'll be a turkey sandwich involved somehow.

I mean, this is the kind of thing that we expect from Rocky, just bringing something back that he thinks has been a hit.

Sophie's taken the Australia thing literally, and she said, Kylie Minogue and Jason Donovan run into the clink with Dr. Carl Kennedy and save the day.
International listeners are like, ha. Yeah.

So Dr. Carl Kennedy was in a soap called Neighbours.
Kylie Minogue's a wonderful singer. Jason Donovan is also a singer.

Wow, a shade.

Jason Donovan used to be your pin-up. You used to be...

Yeah, Joseph, the technicolored thing. You love that.
I was a Phillips Gofield. I saw Phillips Gofield.

You saw Phillips Gofield, but you fantasised about those pleasure, darling.

Toffee Apple Chew will be revealed to be the mastermind behind it all.

I'd love a little appearance in Toffee Apple Chew at the end.

Would it kill him to bring him back?

You know, at the end of a musical when there's like everybody on stage,

would it kill him to just do that and then kill a few people off?

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Stephen thinks that the formula of the trioxy brillo range has been written on the back of a pack of tampons in Belinda's bag. Everyone goes, hurrah, and totally forgets about Slints.

The last shot is of Professor Slintz's distraught widow staring up at Belinda's flat window and blinking. Oh wow, that's very moving.
We should hook them up with Rocky. They could help.

A lot of people hoping for an interaction with God, Belinda and God getting

sort of bookending the book. Exactly, yeah.
Slint somehow comes back to life. Some other random stuff happens and Bella eats some chips.

Jenny. Don't you think these theories are such a reflection on the people that have written them? I feel like a psychologist would have a lot to say about why this is their prediction.

Really starting to get an insight into our listeners now. Somebody says, Bish saves the day by killing Giselle, et al., they're not being specific.

In doing so, realises the error of his ways and merges with Steele's. No,

it's difficult, but that would be very Rocky.

Someone's asking, what the hell happened to the confidential order of Cookware Nights? That's a good question. Absolute shit.
Do they even know where Belinda is right now?

They've done a lot of sort of weekends away in nice old houses, but that's about it.

Rosalind says, Obviously, I can't begin to predict what Rocky's going to do, but she's living in hope that it'll somehow feature Des Martin, who's been flown in by Hazel,

especially to put all the hostels' bunk beds back together. So, she's thinking kind of less about the espionage and more about getting the deposit back.
Exactly.

I love that she's worried about that, Lucy. That is the greatest crime in these books, to be fair.
Um, Andy thinks that Belinda and Giselle will fight to the death with only pots and pans as weapons.

Uh, Belinda wins as the Trioxy Billow range immediately boils Giselle, boils, yeah,

Or burns? I don't know. Quite horrible.
Well, they melt her in a pot. You know, what a way to go.
But it's what she would have wanted.

And actually, we have talked many times about that woman that was deep fat fried and that series of spooks. Oh, yeah.
So absolutely gross. Changed a generation, that it really did.

I've not eaten fried food since. That's a lie.
The 20,000 ladies from book three, all rush in with a non-stick tin box to Avent Galinda, the greatest speaker ever to Grace the O2.

It's Millennium Dome Building. Thank you.

This is the definition of being an optimist from J.T. Harlan.
He says, Rocky will probably skip one year into the future where everything is done.

And Cosmo Macaroon's show is such a hit that Steels is the best company in the world and win an award or something.

I love the innocence of that. And they all lived happily ever after.
It's very that, isn't it? This is dark. Someone's just written, Belinda will take her life.
Oh, God. Not her life, a life.

She'll kill someone. There's precedent now for death in these books.
So could there be another death at the end?

I honestly think if we settle on one kind of theory, we're just asking for trouble. Because as soon as we do that, it's like, suddenly, we're in Alaska.
And you're like, what?

And he's like, and it's a little baddie in the snow or something. Like, it's just going to be something so mad.
The moon just got its first cups of bands range. And the lenders there to sell it.

You joke, but it will be that. Well, someone says that Spooner will whip some ridiculous gadget out of his, well, anyway, really,

and blow off the wall, his knickers, and blow off the wall, pick the lock or something, and they'll get teleported away and then they'll go back to UK and they'll get a knighthood for saving British commerce.

If he gets a knighthood, what even is that system? Have we got knighthoods yet? What would I get? I'd get a dame. A dameville.
A dameness. The queen ain't coming anywhere near us, love.

Do you not think? You don't think she listens?

I'd love it if she did. You know how we found out that people listened in Vatican City that time? Can we pinpoint it to like specific areas of London?

Is there like a little hotbed in Buckingham Palace? Well, just in case. Shout out to Lizzie.
Have you good, ma'am.

Merry Christmas. Can't wait for the speech, babe.

Oh, this is charming. Katie's written, Giselle will find the error of her ways, kill George with some weird sex thing, and have a happy, happy orgy.

Oh, and James gets laid off because he did jack shit to help. Someone's replied, For a second, I thought you meant James Cooper.
They both go,

don't at you in it if they're going to laugh at you. Also, I don't think Giselle can just say, like, see the error of my ways, Saw, after all she's done.
No, exactly. It's ridiculous.
What, turncoat?

She's killed somebody. Exactly.
Oh, I could so see Giselle

getting so horny.

You're a very forgiving man. She'd be like, ow, on in.

Someone's hoping the book ends with a musical number.

I'm kind of hoping for that too. As discussed, the big finale.
It's a shell-stabber.

High kick-in.

I mean, that's sort of what we had over all those bodies, didn't we? When the Duchess rode Toffee Opple Chew over all the corpses in the car park.

So that was kind of a sort of, I guess, in a musical, like get everybody on stage number. It's just that everybody was laying dead on the ground.
Yeah, quite an inanimate dance review.

Yeah, the choreography was simple. Yeah, Jamie, you could write the sheet music because of your background in the theatre, obviously.

Do you have a background in the theatre?

Shut up, you. Oh, you mean at the background of the theatre, yeah.
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Oh amen.

So you're going to have to come back on Monday for the last chapter of book five. Oh my god.

Just a reminder as well, we're doing the listening party on Monday, 8 p.m. British time.
Okay.

So if you're in, say, America, what do you do? Oh, God, I don't know, Alice. Check Google.
Google what 8 p.m. UK time is in your time.

Okay, pick somewhere that hasn't got loads of different time zones in of itself. Okay, what do you do in France?

Okay, what if you're in, oh, I don't know.

I can't stress this enough. Google.
Okay.

Yep, we'll all be getting on Twitter at the same time. Hashtag porno day.
Send us pics of where you're listening, and we'll all press play at 8 p.m. So brace yourself, guys.
See you Monday.

Hi, folks. It's Mark Bittman from the podcast Food with Mark Bittman.

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