S5E12 - 'Two Clits In The Clink'

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What changed for the team today?

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Hello, and welcome to my dad Rotoporno.

Alice James, how are we?

It's the penultimate chapter of Belinda Blink 5.

It most certainly is and I am on tender hooks because we're on the beach and black ops have landed.

They have indeed.

Oh my goodness.

Giselle's there.

George is there.

Bella and Belinda are now imprisoned.

What the fuck's going to happen?

Well if it's anything like last chapter, we're going to go tourist trailing again.

We're going to go to the fucking, I don't know,

what haven't they been to yet?

Sydney Opera House?

A Wallaby Sanctuary.

Wallaby Sanctuary.

Oh, last time we're in Australia, we held koalas.

We did, yeah.

Did you come with us?

I didn't.

I wasn't invited.

And as they were handing them over, they were like, a lot of koalas have chlamydia.

Yeah, that's true.

Mine sneezed on me.

I don't think you can get it through.

No, but I was a little bit like, oh my god.

Yours sneezed on you.

Yeah, I do remember.

No.

It was quite a cute little sneeze.

It was like,

but how do you get chlamydia from a koala?

You can't.

I think that's just a myth.

Just if you fuck it.

They have.

James.

Oh, sorry.

Why are you fucking koala there?

I'm not.

Why are you asking so many questions about it more to the point?

Yeah, for a friend.

Which ways can I and can I not interact the media for koala?

James, we can talk about this after.

Like, is it in their hands?

Stop it.

Why do you need to know?

Hands.

Come on, James.

Look alive.

Did you tickle it?

Like, what did you do to it?

Just hugged it.

Great huggers.

Oh, lovely.

Well, let's do it again now because it's really good.

I don't know if I want to go with James.

I'll go with you.

James, you can stay in the car.

I feel like he might have a lifetime ban with these questions.

You've had your fun with those koalas.

This is always the point that we feel a bit emotional about.

Not the books, but about the podcast, because it'll be the end soon.

And then...

And then what?

No friendship, no nothing, you know?

No job.

Exactly.

Evenings are our own.

Can't wait.

It'd be great.

A normal relationship with my dad.

Brilliant.

Well, there's still two chapters to go, so maybe he will bring it all together.

Who knows?

And let's not forget how long those chapters feel.

Yes, true.

And let's not forget we are friends beyond this.

So yes, all things to bear in mind.

Yeah, our lives aren't changing at all.

It's all fine.

um okay does anyone want to know what the chapter title is me

wow me yes please the chapter's called two clits in the clink

The clink haven't heard that.

I haven't heard that in so many years.

So medieval.

Okay.

Should we go?

Any other business?

I actually think it was a clit hanger last time.

Like, we don't, we don't usually get those.

No, and he very rarely delivers on it.

But I actually feel like a lot of people will be coming back this chapter thinking, what's what?

So I love your optimism.

James, you're looking very expectantly there.

Sorry, I'm just kind of folding my arms excited.

We're just ready.

Let's do it.

Yeah, right.

Let's do it then.

What are those clits up to?

Belinda Blinked 5, Chapter 12.

Two clits in the clink.

Oh.

Oh, what?

Hair Bisch was squatting on his Teflon throne, furious and freezing.

I'm sorry.

It's made of non-stick material.

You slip right off, wouldn't you?

I mean, you don't usually stick to a throne anyway.

It's not really necessary, is it?

And you're literally not going to be able to get purchased.

You'll just never quite sit where we are.

It might be good for the core or something.

It might be like you know some people sit on those yoga balls at work a teflon throne where the hell do you work no no no sat on yoga balls at the office in trendy hipster places you will find out they do i stand corrected

so hair bisch was squatting on his teflon throne furious and freezing in his schlosch oh so we're back to germany yeah there's a throne in the schlosch in the schlosh

of course there's a throne in the schloosh do you think that's actually a phone in the sloos

it'd be good if there wasn't a throne in the sloch it's not a slosch adventure.

It's really bad, isn't it?

I just do it.

What do you mean they have escaped to the son who is the professor of pots?

Who's escaped with the professor of pots?

So Slintz wouldn't have known.

Oh shit, yeah.

Giselle and George are now in Australia.

Yeah, the last time that he saw them was just before his gentleman's woof.

Yes, and of course he doesn't know that Slintz is dead.

No.

So he thinks Slintz has gone with them to Australia.

And that they've taken Slintz with them to get the blueprints for themselves, probably.

Yeah, sure.

So wait, has the gentleman's woof just cleared and he's come too?

A frail Freuulein was licking his bare feet with her tongue.

Oh.

Is that Petra?

Poor Petra.

That'll push you over the edge if you're frail.

But despite her best efforts, he was not turned on or even hard.

SPEECH!

He hollowed.

Speech.

S-P-E-I-C-H.

I think it might mean speak, maybe?

Okay.

Speech.

He He hollowed.

Australia, huh?

Spoke goon number three.

What?

No!

We need the trioxy blue secrets.

How does goon number three know more about what's going on than Bish?

Oh, because he needs the goons to be in the loop.

Right, okay.

Loop in your goons.

Loop in the goons, for goodness sake.

Always loop in the goons.

CC your goons in every email.

We must go there.

No!

Bish isn't safe safe to fly to Australia.

He's

not in good health.

He reeks.

They've got to put him in the hold.

No, but he had a heart attack about 12 hours earlier.

It was an asthma of it.

Still.

It was an athlete.

It was an asthma of it.

Still, he's in his 200s.

Are you saying people in their 200s shouldn't enjoy air travel?

There's got to be a cut-off.

I just feel like you could just fold him up in a suitcase and be fine.

Yeah.

I imagine his bones are really soft.

Just don't declare him.

Yeah, he's like salami that you probably shouldn't be bringing into the country.

Although Australia, very, very strict on that stuff.

Very strict.

Alice.

What?

But

but

they don't even let in nuts be afraid.

They don't.

And he is a nut, spoke goon number seven.

How many goons?

Just have one goon make sure they know everything.

But what if that goon gets compromised?

Oh, then two goons.

I think seven's excessive.

We don't even know if that's the top level of goon.

Hair Bish and the seven goons.

You'll never make it through quarantine screening.

Who are these little piggies?

The goons.

The goons.

Wait, what won't make it through quarantine?

Because he's a petri dish of bacteria and disease.

True.

Silence verm.

Bish shrieked.

What?

Silence verm.

Dad spells everything verbatim with...

Bish, so it's silence, which is normal, but then worm is spelt V-U-R-M.

Oh, Verm.

Verm.

silence

it's the verm goon he snapped his finger splinters and goon number seven fell through the trapdoor to a sex dungeon below always got treated well yeah depending on the circumstances could be a reward don't know i mean it's house of bish so probably not what's weird is that's not for bish's benefit the sex dungeon no like he's not going to the sex dungeon is he oh no i bet he loves the sex dungeon i bet that's where he's got all these ailments from over the years he's probably like i don't know snapped his leg in there from

some brace.

Bish kicked aside the wench and creaked his bones, levering himself up to his little legs.

How dare this special one and her madman think they can trick me?

They cashed millions of euros.

I am no fool.

They will pay.

With their lives, we fly to lives.

He sounds like he's a witch.

He's gonna go on a balloon.

Oh my, that took it out of you, didn't it?

Oh, knocked.

So, Spish is after Giselle and George.

Giselle and George are after Bella and Belinda.

Bella and Belinda are after Cosmo Macaroon.

Cosmo Macaroon's after another series of Dancing in the Star with Superstars.

No, he said no to that.

He doesn't want to do it.

Oh my gosh.

Okay, so he's like, I am no fool.

They will pay with their lives.

We fly tonight.

Oh my gosh.

How does that not kill him to do that?

Both Jamie and Albert did.

Half the world away, Belinda and Bella were behind bars and in chains.

In chains.

They hadn't slept a blink.

Very nice.

What was this even about?

Wondered Bella.

God, this is about so much, thought Belinda.

Both ends of the spectrum there.

This is about so much.

Well, what this is about, I think it's about so much.

That really sums them both up in like a sentence.

Look at the tweedledum and tweedled at least.

Then, just after a poultry lunch spread of spread on bread, George Sylvester hobbled into the cell, but not behind the bars.

What?

So how's he in the cell?

Maybe like the wider cell?

The greater cell, the outer cell.

The outer cell, if you will.

That's spread on bread.

A poultry lunch spread of spread on bread.

A poultry lunch?

Poultry.

Sorry, was it a poultry lunch or was it a poultry lunch?

Chicken spread on bread.

I don't like the generic use of spread.

Oh, very disconcerting.

It might be that horrible chicken spread.

Well, I was going to say, I quite like that.

I'd be happy if that was my...

What, that sandwich filling and stuff?

Yeah, lovely.

I used to love luncheon meat, though.

Do you remember lunch and meat?

What's that one?

It was just like, I don't know,

meat is your biggest clue.

The fact it was just called meat.

Yeah.

It was just bits of everything like mashed together.

Oh, that's all right.

Yum, yum.

I think, I guess it was like a modern spam.

A modern spam?

There's nothing modern about lunch and meat, my darling.

Was it in circles?

Yeah.

Yeah, yeah.

And do you remember those bear face pieces of meat?

Philly bear ham.

Yeah.

Face meat, my friend's mum used to call it.

She goes, do you want cheese or face meat?

What did you have for your packed lunch?

I bet you had fucking fancy shit.

I bet she had school dinners.

I didn't have school dinners.

My mum made a packed lunch, and it was a little bit out of there.

Oh, there we go.

Our favourite sandwich filling.

Our favourite sandwich filling was hummus, grated carrot, and grapes.

Oh, shh.

Oh, my God.

You're as bad as him with his cake.

Can I just say, that is way worse than me?

No, but I think that's just because we were not cos posh, I think cos a bit hippie.

We didn't really have like chocolate bars and stuff in our lunch boxes that often.

We'd have like maybe a figroul.

Homemade figroul.

Sorry, what was it in your sandwich?

Was hummus, carrot, and what?

Grapes.

In a red sandwich.

I actually don't like that either because of the kind of mixture of sweet and savoury.

So So each to their own, obviously.

And sometimes you'd have a bit of bread, stuffed with seasonal leaves,

fresh garden vegetables.

Yeah, grass out in the garden.

You know, maybe a kind of farmhouse cheddar.

I can't.

You really need to take everything that you said to me this series back.

No, but I wore it well.

You wore it like a pretty little pretentious so-and-so, didn't you?

But I didn't do any of the things.

You've created a version of me that never existed.

You actually were like that.

Well, I'll come around to mine tomorrow.

Lunch and meat, tomato ketchup on a sandwich oh you cannot beat it you haven't lived

so george is in the cell but not behind the bars what kind of fork do you eat it with just haven't

bellinda took to her stilettoed feet and spoke the language they all understood to be uk english

australian english very different

well as we learned from our good a Belinka's bloody footnote got all them wrong speaking of goons yeah so it is a box of wine I know that now you can stop tweeting me yeah it's when you take the bag from a box of wine out and you drink it from the bag, that is a goon, everybody.

Not the word for a great invention, though it is a great invention.

I took the website literally, all right?

Excuse me, George, but we've got a cookware conference to be at today.

No, they haven't.

Good one, Belinda.

No, they have.

That's what they're there for.

That's their cover.

Do you remember?

Oh, I thought they were there to sell pots to Cosmo Macaroon.

Yeah, why were they selling pots to Cosmo Macaroon?

I don't know.

They were just moonlighting.

Just doing a deal just because they're being opportunistic, right?

So she's like, we've got a cookware conference to be at today.

What did she think he's going to do?

Like, oh, yeah, of course.

Sorry.

Let me just open the gate.

My bad.

Here's your accreditation in your lanyard.

Have a good one.

Oh, my God, Alice.

You're on Rocky's wavelength so much today.

What?

George replied, Ha ha ha.

I'd burn your accreditation badges if I were you, Bloomin' Thor.

Because you won't be needing them.

Because you won't be going.

Because you're here in jail.

Don't need to burn them.

Just treat them in the bin.

Oh, and please, the clink.

Yeah.

We get it.

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Coach, the energy out there felt different.

What changed for the team today?

It was the new game day scratchers from the California Lottery.

Play is everything.

Those games sent the team's energy through the roof.

Are you saying it was the off-field play that made the difference on the field?

Hey, a little play makes your day, and today, it made the game.

That's all for now.

Coach, one more question.

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But I've got to give a very important presentation on...

But Belinda stopped herself.

Oh, I know, said George.

Aussie's son glinting off his fake silver-backed molar.

It wasn't a real offer to go to the conference.

That was from George George and Giselle to get them to Australia.

No.

Good guess so.

Thank you.

Thanks.

Thanks, James.

Oh, I know.

I know you know all about the trioxy brillo range, don't you?

Belinda Blumenthal.

So is she the only person that knows as much or maybe just a little bit less than Slint's?

Belinda gasped, then blinked.

Why would she know as international sales director?

Because maybe she had to have the inner scoop of what it was to know that.

Yeah, but to sell it, you don't need to know as much as Slint's.

Yeah, she's not going to have all the information in her head about how to physically make it.

Surely not, because that's not really necessary to sell it, is it?

Let's just go with the narrative.

Let's believe it for us.

When have we ever done that?

Yeah, we're not starting that today.

Somewhere far, but not too far away, Spooner was bonking a blonde beach babe with big boobs up the bum.

so Spooner's there he is somewhere far but not too far away well he must be in Australia then yeah they travel together do you remember he was at the airport yeah but there was no reference to him being on the plane he did that thing in the lounge before where he like cleared someone's memory or something and he was yeah but he had to

but he had to go for a ship before he got on the plane remember no

he must have used it on me

No,

he was in Australia.

We haven't seen him yet, but I think he's supposed to have been there the whole time.

Right.

Sure.

So, somewhere far, but not too far away,

Spooner was bonking a blonde beach babe with big boobs up the bump.

Up the bum.

No harm done.

At least someone's having fun.

Can you really keep me in the state opening of Parliament, Mr.

Spoons?

She yelled as her ass shagged him right back.

She's a power bottom.

Remind me, power bottom just means you're really into it, or it's lots of people that you've

that you bottom.

What, that you collect yeah power over time yeah do you

do they just kind of energize you up no a power bottom is someone that is actively involved in the anal sex as much like they push back yeah sometimes you can just lie there and the power bottom will do all the work oh

we'll just do the up and downing and the thrusting so that's quite a bottom that is a power bottom so you don't get the title power bottom for nothing no you don't and with great power bottom comes great responsibility oh my goodness use it wisely, of course.

So she's a power bottom.

Thanks for clearing that up, James.

Power bottom.

Go, go, power bottom.

Engage.

Turbo.

Which power bottom are you?

You're the red power bottom.

Oh, that's not good, is it?

No one wants the red power bottom.

The baboon.

The rosebud purple.

You don't want to be the brown power bottom.

You don't really want to be the pink power bottom.

Or the purple one, really.

Yellow?

No.

Oh, God.

Can you really keep me in at the the state opening of Parliament, Mr.

Spoons?

She yelled as her ass shagged him right back.

Oh yes.

He panted to the rhythm of a ticking clock.

Just behind the Queen's milk muff.

Sorry?

Is that a clock?

Is that what you're worried about?

Sorry, is it the Queen's mink muff or something?

What did you say?

Just behind the Queen's mink muff.

Which is perfectly fine to say.

Completely legit, nothing sexual about that.

He can get her stood behind the Queen at the state opening of Parliament.

What a weird, sexy offer.

Can I shag you on the beach?

But also, you'll never guess where I can catch her.

Just behind the Queen's mink muff.

Ah!

She orgasmed.

But then.

But then, Spooner stopped fucking the living daylights out of her and pulled out of her backward pussy.

Living Daylights, isn't that a film?

Out of her backward pussy.

Backward pussy.

Oh, so he's so it's not not anal it's just from behind from behind oh he did say up the bum didn't he unless he's saying he's calling the anus the backward pussy kind of is the backward pussy i mean it's not it's famously not front bum back bum

oh lord

that's not

balinder

he shouted fuck you

shouted the owner of the ass My name's Fanny Driller.

It was last night, and it is now.

How dare you get me mixed up with another midnight lady?

Fanny Driller.

Well, that seems like quite a trad porn name, right?

Yeah.

But that's the first actual porn name we've had because everybody has such unsexy names in these books.

Also quite Bond girly, like Pussy Galore.

Yes, actually.

There was one called Chew Me.

Chew Me?

Was there?

Roger Moore's like, oh, and who are you?

She's like, Chew Me.

And you're like, oh, God, that hasn't aged well.

Woof.

What's your porn name?

So it's the name of your first pet and the first street you lived on.

First pet.

Okay, so mine would be Rocket Trafalgar.

Jesus.

That's quite good.

It's quite good, isn't it?

You sound like a detective.

I do of it, yeah.

A sexy, non-sexy detective.

Many thanks, James.

Snowy bins.

Oh.

Snowy bins.

All old and dirty.

Yeah.

What about you?

We never had a pet.

My mum's had too many children to have a pet as well.

So what's yours?

Just have the street name.

So I'd have been called Ashley.

Ashley!

They call me Ashley.

To be fair, quite good.

Singular.

I feel like you'd have to be a really famous porn star to go by one name.

Yeah, like Madonna or Cher.

Not many men have only one name.

It's always like Cher, Madonna.

Seal.

Okay.

God, twice in two podcasts.

Prince.

Prince, that's a good one.

Okay, fine.

Anyway, Ashley, come on.

Back to the book.

How dare you get me mixed up with some other midnight lady?

No, she's a business associate.

And a terrific fuck in the sheet sack if truth are being true to its namesake.

A beggar pun

and a terrific fuck in the sheet sack if truth were being true to its namesake.

Jesus Christ, you did well with that.

Thank you.

And a terrific fuck in the sheet sack if truth are being true to its namesake.

But I have to go.

You'd be like, what are you mumbling under your breath?

Fine.

You see, Belinda had been meant to meet Spooner last night, but 10 martinis too many had made him forget 100%.

He's on a mission.

Yeah, rubbish.

Shit spy.

So he's just got drunk last night while Belinda's been in prison.

Well, yeah, he's supposed to, I guess she was supposed to do a check-in.

Yeah.

You know, when they hired Spooner, was he literally the only person available?

I think he just sounded like James Bond, and they were like, well, you must be good.

You sound like one of the most famous spies in the world.

Well, remember, he was actually hired by Jim Walters, right?

He was just someone that someone knew from somewhere.

It wasn't like he was properly appointed.

Like, everything he's done has been a massive cock-up.

Yeah.

Literally.

He pulled on his bush shorts and cargo top and left Fanny Driller spitting feathers on the bed.

What an unpleasant collection of words.

Back in the place in Australia where Bella and Belinda are being held hostage, which we could all say because we all remember.

Giselle was nakedly wanking up the not-so-pleasant George.

Wanking up.

Wanking up.

What else?

What other options are there?

Wank down.

Wanking up.

See, that's up the shaft.

So like only going up and not doing down.

Oh.

Oh.

Oh, I'm back to base.

I'm back to base.

Yeah, exactly.

Oh, okay.

Let go at the top.

Back to the bottom.

Very flamboyant there, Jeff.

Or do you kind of, when you get to the top, do you do a kind of like

with the hands back down, but you're not, but you're not wanking.

You're just...

No, just kind of running your fingernails down.

Yeah.

Interesting.

I don't know.

I can't wait for this plan to start working.

That makes all of us I mean the good thing is at least everyone's a shit at each other they're all just bungling up their plans yeah just loads of people who just don't know what they're doing quite true to life really like everyone just like fumbles their way through life don't they I mean look at us for fuck's sake fake it till you make it

I can't wait for this plan to start working ah yeah but what will make bloom and

but what will make blumenthal talk oh yeah like

so that's just a little aside in between the sentences here

In brackets.

Hyphens, actually.

Oh, sorry, hyphens.

I can't wait for this plan to start working.

Ah, yeah.

But what will make Blumenthal talk?

Oh, I like that.

Shall we feed the other one to a croc?

Ow!

Not so vigorous, Giselle.

You know my frenulum of pre-puce of penis is tighter than most.

What?

If I had a found.

If I had a found.

What is a frenulum, please?

Is that foreskin?

Frenulum of pre-puce of penis.

Well, I'm guessing it's that bit that connects

to the banjo string.

Is that what it's called?

Colloquially.

Because this is the frenulum.

And you're tight.

Yeah, I'm pretty sure that's the frenulum.

Because you can have that pierced, can't you?

An elastic band of tissue under the glands

that connects it to the prepuce.

Oh.

So his is smaller than most.

It's tighter, right?

Tighter.

That's what you said.

So she's really going for it and yanking it.

And he's like, ow.

Oh, that's quite horrible.

The main thing I wonder about that is when did they have that conversation?

Like, he's just said she knows that.

You know.

That's like frenulum.

Yeah, when do you introduce that?

Midway through date one?

Giselle, I told you my frenulum of free fruits of penis is short.

But I thought you said we wouldn't harm them, Georgie.

That they were just bait.

Bait gets eaten, jizzages.

It's so silly.

All together now.

One, two, three.

Eaton, jizzy jizz.

That's what I want to say.

It's like sausages.

And that's spelt J-I-Z-Z-Y-G-I-S.

Jizzy Jizz.

Oh, he's done every possible spelling.

Jizzigiz.

Jizzy Jizz.

Oh, wow.

Jizzell, I guess.

No, no, no, I fully got it.

Thank you so much.

Thank you.

Man's plain one of our

thousand apologies.

Okay, so Jazzy Jeff is wanking on.

Don't drag Jazzy Jeff into this yet again.

But you said we'd feed them to bish to save our skins, not to a bloodthirsty crocodile.

I say a lot of things, Giselle.

I'm a serial liar and fantasist.

They're so self-aware.

And I also tell the truth.

Think of me as a game of veracity Russian roulette.

You never know what you're going to get.

Veracity, Russian roulette.

Oh, wow.

What a lovely little.

Yeah, I really like that as a little kind of concept.

Why is George Sylvester the most fleshed-out character in these books?

And eloquent.

Think of me as a game of veracity, Russian roulette.

You never know what you're going to get.

He ejaculated.

You never know what you're going to get.

What?

Okay.

Giselle mumbled.

I'm not really listening.

As white spermatoza glooped down her knuckles.

Oh, yeah.

Book five.

He knows it.

He knows it well.

Yeah, that will happen.

Gross.

Sperbitosa, though.

Come on.

Well, I was going to say, book five, chapter 12, he's finally run out of ways to describe Spunk.

By calling it its proper name.

Yeah.

Well, I think that's what he falls back on, doesn't it?

The Latinate or whatever it is.

Finned out.

I'll finally pick up a book.

Burgled of their freedom down the hall, Belinda and Bella were getting shocked and sad.

Oh, no.

Shocked and sad.

That's definitely two things you don't want to feel in porn.

Like,

shocked, maybe a little bit, sad, gonna kill it.

I just imagine them sat in a room just shifting between the emotions quite quickly, like,

oh, me,

oh no,

like that would be awful.

What an awful combination.

The horrid and big jailman.

Capital J, capital M.

New character.

And the Drailman.

Watching them was a lech with bad breath and an annoying habit for talking.

So that was how Mrs.

Melody decided to leave Uncle Fear Forks for the hotter climes of Cairns.

But she did find it too hot after a while, you see, and Cor,

I've just noticed, the jailman interrupted himself.

You are a gorgeous couple of Sheilas.

You check your feed and your account.

You check the score and the restaurant reviews.

You check your hair and reflective surfaces and and the world around you for recession indicators.

So you check all that, but you don't check to see what your ride options are.

In this economy, next time, check Lyft.

Coach, the energy out there felt different.

What changed for the team today?

It was the new game day scratchers from the California Lottery.

Play is everything.

Those games sent the team's energy through the roof.

Are you saying it was the off-field play that made the difference on the field?

Hey, a little play makes your day, and today, it made the game.

That's all for now.

Coach, one more question.

Play the new Los Angeles Chargers, San Francisco 49ers, and Los Angeles Rams Scratchers from the California Lottery.

A little play can make your day.

Please play responsibly.

Must be 18 years or older to purchase, play, or claim.

Oh my God.

Can I just apologize?

We're going to be in Australia soon, and I don't know if we can walk down the street with our heads held high.

Not going to get in.

Just noticed he's been there for hours.

Yeah, but he's so busy telling his story.

But hasn't he seen Belinda's magnificent breasts?

They catch the eye from far away.

What are they wearing as well?

Because they weren't wearing an awful lot on the beach, so aren't they naked?

Well, she definitely got her stilettos on because she stood up on those earlier.

Yeah, and she, but she never wears a top on the beach.

We know that for a fact.

He says a beach bro is non-existent.

Yeah.

You're a gorgeous couple of Sheila's.

My name's Bella, said Bella.

Oh my god.

And I'm Belinda.

No, Sheila's here.

Oh, God.

Look alive, girls.

Said Belinda, looking around her empty surroundings.

Bella's like, Where's Sheila?

Stupid, stupid.

But then she looked at Bella, the same thought throthing between them.

Throthing?

Throthing.

Frothing?

Frothing.

Throthing.

Throthing.

Frothing?

Or throthing.

How's this spelled?

T-H.

Oh, God.

It's throthing.

But if you want us to be called Sheila, we can be called Sheila, Belinda purred.

The guy must be like, no, it's still in a phrase.

Like, Sheila's in a collective term for women.

Oh, Sheila, you look hot.

Oh, Christ.

Oh, I am quite warm, Sheila.

Oh, my God.

Stop calling each other Sheila.

I think I could lose some of these layers, Sheila.

They've not got any layers on.

Let Sheila help you, Sheila.

Oh, my my god.

What is this?

What is this awful sketch comedy?

Never let those clits out the clink.

Life sentence.

And with that sexy talk, Bella stripped Belinda of her buttercup and dandelion patterned sundress.

She must have been given that by the black ox.

Cover yourself up.

We've got this lovely dandelion.

What is it

table, Dodd?

Dandelion and Burdock!

Her exposed titties rose to her chin as her double nipples grew like they were suffering from anaphylactic shock.

Her double nipples.

Double nipples.

That's a disgusting thought.

One on top of the other or side by side.

I don't know what would they be?

Side by side, sure.

Or more like, I was thinking like a snake tongue where they split into like a double.

Bella's big lips clamped onto those nozzles of flesh and sucked hard.

Why is it like the nipple stuff that just gets so much attention?

I honestly feel ill every time.

Because you just know he's into it.

Yeah.

Nipples are his favorite.

Nipples are his fave.

Sorry, Jamie.

I can't help it, and neither can James.

That's just a fact.

Jamie.

Okay.

Can you just, Jamie, look at me.

Your dad loves nipples.

Oh my god.

Just say it.

No.

Why?

No.

Your dad loves nipples.

Okay, your dad loves nipples.

Sucking them, tweezin' them, flickin' them.

Jamie.

I'm not doing it for the good of my health.

Oh, Sheila, you're good at that.

Stop saying, Sheila.

Mouse trip.

Bella obliged and stood in her bare beauty while the jailman's tongue wobbled and splashed saliva over the cell.

Over the cells?

Buckets of it.

Belinda squatted like a crab and moved towards Bella, who was in the squat.

The same pose.

Just like two crabs, like moving around the cells, like

scuttling, like.

they bent their front bottoms into one another and dangled their clits together.

Sorry, what's with all this front bottom-back bottom business?

Dangled their bottoms.

Dangled their clits, Alice.

Dangled their clits.

Mamma Mia.

Electrical excitement fused their systems,

but they didn't stop wiggling.

Fused!

So we can go back to the dangly clit.

Yeah.

They're never that long, are they?

Well, I mean, they can be long, but they're not dangly.

No, they're not dangly.

They can be long.

Well, they vary.

Every woman's is different.

It's like a penis.

Every sign of it.

Some protrude, some don't really, but like...

But they're never dangly.

I wouldn't say...

Yeah.

You've not got floor draggers like this.

Floor draggers.

That's come on.

I'm sorry, I'm in the wrong.

So they're dangling their clits together, but they won't stop wriggling.

The jailman just stared at the phenomenon.

Well, you would, wouldn't you?

You'd be like, what the fuck is going on?

What are these crab women with the long clits?

What are the new station Sheila's doing?

Newly conjoined twins connected by the clitoris.

Come on, baby.

Clitorouses.

They're fused?

They've literally fused.

I don't know what it is.

Conjoined twins isn't isn't a pleasant.

That's not a pleasant comparison when they're being sexual, is it?

Take some of Rocky's like insaneness out of the way.

So does that mean they're just like scissoring or something?

Standing up, scissoring.

Standing up scissoring.

Like squatting scissoring.

Crabby scissoring?

Krabby.

Oh, my God.

Again, Krabby, not a nice image.

Won't you join us, please?

Bella asked the jailman.

But you can't touch us, can you?

Oh, I know what's coming.

Belinda prattled.

You want to touch us?

Deep.

Oh, God.

Barth, can you please mess up the barth bucket?

What do you think is going to happen?

They're going to get him to open the door and then they're going to scuttle out like little crabs.

Oh, my God.

So, you want to touch us?

Deep.

This is the longest I haven't said anything since July of 1974.

I love him.

I love jailman.

The jailman goggs as he took his fat little helper out of his undies and began to jerk at work.

Fat little helper.

Sounds like a dance class I'd go to.

Come on, plant that thick courgette in our vegetable patch.

Belinda breathed over the bars.

I mean, that's actually quite wholesome for Rocky.

The jailman succumbed and decoded the rusty combination lock.

But just as he did, spoons jumped out of the shadow nowhere and shouted, Don't worry, ladies!

In the name of Her Majesty, I'll save your bottoms.

I didn't see that coming.

I didn't, actually.

Why did we just say, in the name of Her Majesty?

Just do what you were doing.

Don't need the speech.

It's a strange disclaimer, isn't it?

How did he know where they were?

He was nearby, wasn't he?

He was nearby.

Yeah, but he didn't know he was nearby.

He didn't even know they'd been captured.

He's a spy.

He knows everything.

I don't know why you're being so pannickety.

Yeah, there's no point in questioning it.

Carry on, sorry.

The jailman immediately snapped out of his sex days, moved to the side, pushed the cell door open and watched as Spoons missed him and jumped straight inside.

Sorry, one sec.

So they'd nearly saved themselves.

Spooner was watching all of this, so he must have seen that they'd nearly saved themselves in that jailman was going to open the gate.

What Spooner's actually done is jumped inside the cell and jailman's gonna just clink it shut.

He's in the clink.

Are you joking?

The jailman slammed the cell door shut and used his thumb to smudge the metal-ridged digits into a jumble.

This locked the combination.

Yes, well, quite, of course.

Okay, it's official.

Spooner is the worst spy

ever.

He's a liability.

Ever, ever, ever.

You're incompetent, mate.

Yeah,

jailman.

This is what I'm saying.

Jailman is where it's at.

He He gets you.

He's on your level.

We're on the same page.

I think we need a jailman spin-off.

Honestly.

You're...

Can you imagine the stories?

You're incompetent, mate.

And incarcerated.

Wait till I tell Mr.

Skipper George we got one more.

Jailman, he's got good quips, he's smart.

He told a good story?

Yeah.

Shut.

Yes, shut indeed.

Absolute shut.

Shut.

Spooner spoke, unable to look at either Bella or Belinda in the eyeballs due to shame.

You really are, James Spooner, Belinda mouthed.

You really are quite shit.

Thank you.

Everyone's very chill about the fact that he's basically just sealed the deal on them dying and being fed to a croc or a crab.

We look at the hideaway complex from afar away and see a small, frail foot stand on the bushland.

Who does we do?

This is a

screen screen direction.

Yes, sort of camera direction.

Then another foot

step.

It's a space between the words.

I don't know.

Sorry, is this for when we turn it into a Hollywood masterpiece?

Why is it written like this?

Because he's being cinematic now, isn't he?

He's kind of like pulling it back.

Yeah, but he's shifted into an entirely different style.

So we look at the hideaway comedy

from afar away and see a small, frail foot stand on the bushland.

Then another foot step.

So strange.

Hair Bish

blinked.

And that

of the chapter.

I have never felt more cheated.

Oh my goodness.

So, what an incompetent bunch.

I would say goons, but they're not even as good as the goons.

They almost don't deserve a story because they're so crap.

I actually dream of the Cosmo macaroon days because it actually felt like there was promise.

Whereas now, are they all going to end up in the cell?

Yeah.

Like, you know, will Tony jump in there too?

How do these people dress themselves in the morning?

Honestly, how do they wake up?

How have they got the biggest selling pots and pans range in Australian history?

To be fair.

Okay, so.

To be fair, I hate his sentences at start, to be fair.

We have Belinda and Bella and Spooner in the cell.

Yes.

We've got Giselle.

Why is he saying it like this?

And George.

Yes.

Hair Bish has just arrived.

Yes.

So Bish wants Giselle and George, but George and Giselle want to feed Belinda and Bella to Bish to escape.

I think there's something that can happen here.

I think, I don't know.

So he's got everyone in one place.

Yeah.

Yeah, in that cell.

Literally in one place.

I feel like Gelman's going to unzip his body and inside's going to be, you know, Des Martin.

Precisely.

Precisely.

So, yeah, you're right.

It's good that he's got everyone in one location.

But suddenly, he's managed to find a way to get everyone into one place for a showdown.

That's quite good.

Implausible, and I would say impossible.

But he's covered that by saying that people were just nearby or within arm's reach.

He's used very vague language about people's locations.

I mean, how has Herr Bisch got there from Germany to Australia?

In like 25 minutes after that, I mean, that is the last question on my mind.

There were so many more before that.

Okay.

But I guess, like, whereas in book four, we kind of thought/slash-hoped that the special one would be revealed in the last chapter.

I really have no idea how this book's going to end, or even if it'll end it satisfactorily.

So, yeah.

Last chapter next week.

The grand finale.

We'll be having a listening party, as we always do, 8 p.m.

Monday, the 2nd of December.

8 p.m.

GMT, sorry.

So, whatever time that is in your part of the world.

We'll all get on Twitter at the same time.

Hashtag Pornoday.

People are so funny with what they tweet and they always find the best gifts.

It's always so, so much fun.

Send us your pictures of you, whatever you're having for dinner or wherever you're having your party.

We want to see where you're getting involved and we'll all be pressing play at the same time.

Some people listen to it on their commute because they can't wait.

So just listen to it again for the party.

Yes, exactly.

Exactly.

This feels like...

One big setup for our trip to Australia.

I'm expecting everything that's happened in the books to happen to us.

Oh, God, don't say that.

Aren't we going to hunt out Cosmo Macaroon, surely?

I want to meet Jailman.

I mean, Jailman's top of my list.

Yes, so we're going on tours starting in Australia.

We've sold out both Sydney Opera House, both Brisbans,

one of our Melbourne's.

The tickets are flying off the shelves.

So they start to go everywhere, so please do get them while you can.

They're the Oxy Brillo range of comedy tickets.

You can get yours now at mydadrotaporno.com forward slash live.

America, UK, Europe.

We're going everywhere.

And it's Belinda's 30th birthday.

You cannot miss it.

The crazy thing about this show compared to the last one is that Rocky's written a pick your porno chapter.

So you guys will decide.

You'll kind of make a bespoke pornographic piece.

Don't say piece.

Sorry.

To your requirements.

I mean, that is, if it all works out, I mean, Rocky's written it, so probably not.

Honestly, it is so ambitious.

I can't wait to see how he's fucked it up.

Expect an eight-hour show?

But every show is going to be different this year, which is really exciting.

So, you bunch of Sheilas, we'll see you next week for the big finale.

We get it.

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Coach, the energy out there felt different.

What changed for the team today?

It was the new game day scratchers from the California Lottery.

Play is everything.

Those games sent the team's energy through the roof.

Are you saying it was the off-field play that made the difference on the field?

Hey, a little play makes your day, and today it made the game.

That's all for now.

Coach, one more question.

Play the new Los Angeles Chargers, San Francisco 49ers, and Los Angeles Rams Scratchers from the California Lottery.

A little play can make your day.

Please play responsibly, must be 18 years or older to purchase, play, or claim.