Footnotes: Your Sex Stories

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Hello, and welcome to my dad rotor porno.

It's footnote time.

How are you both?

Oh, glorious.

Great.

I've had my laptop stolen, but let's not talk about it.

Oh, I know.

I know.

I know.

It's fine.

That's such sad news.

And that has some quite incriminating recordings on it.

Oh my God, seriously.

All of our outtexts.

Do not open it.

My favourite thing is that they left the bag.

They saw the bag.

They took the laptop out of the bag.

They left the bag.

Well, I don't want the bag.

You should leave the bag with me.

No offence.

So in this week's chapter, Belinda and Bella found themselves in Australia and they had sex in many, many weird and wonderful locations.

A youth hostel, the beach, where else?

Well, everywhere but a bed, basically.

Basically.

They have the giant bed, of course, that they made from Flatpak into a Big 16 persona.

Yeah.

Which we presume they they had the orgy in but yeah they've gone all over the shop yeah so we thought it'd be fun to ask you guys where are the weirdest and strangest places you've ever had sex and my god you aren't shy yeah I put this out on Instagram thinking one or two responses probably thousands I'm not even joking

I couldn't keep up it was ridiculous the amount people want to share that I mean they all want to be anonymous so let's keep everyone's dignity we won't mention any names okay

Jesus Christ right who wants to start off it's just voyeuristic basically isn't it we've hooked it on the theme of being inspired by this week's episode, but honestly, I kind of just like to read this.

We're just all rubbing our legs and gurning.

The thing that struck me most was how many people have had sex in McDonald's.

Oh, it's hard to even use the Lou if you're not a patron.

Other fast food chains are available for sex.

I'm presuming the toilet, or do you just mean by the sources?

Well, here's one.

Used to work in McDonald's and had sex on the children's party table.

It was not while there was a party going on.

God, you'd remember your fifth birthday, wouldn't you?

Why's birthdays in McDonald's?

Why did we do that?

Yeah, I had one of those.

Is it because it was cheap?

It was easy, wasn't it?

And Ronald McDonald was there.

I think I had the hamburgler at mind.

Do you remember the hamburgler?

Yeah, he was very strange.

Wait, said, where was he when your laptop went missing?

Another McDonald's worker.

I used to work at a McDonald's restaurant and have had sex in the storage area in the roof, the freezer.

In the roof.

What?

Why are they all a mendio pigeon?

And the walk-in refrigerator.

Chilly, but the thrill of getting caught added to the excitement.

Don't shag where you eat.

That's what I say.

Some of them only require the headline.

And for me, this is a winner.

Literally outside by the dumpster with a stranger on St.

Patrick's Day.

I don't even need any more information.

And it signed off.

Obviously, I'm a Bella.

This one's quite good.

One time I got very, very drunk.

And a guy that I met in a club asked if I wanted to go back to his place, but he'd lost his keys.

So they ended up climbing through a window and they began their sexual encounter.

And he thought, that's a bit of a strange chair to have in your house, but didn't think anything of it.

And later on, he sobered up, and then he realised that he'd actually climbed through the window of a church hall, and the chair was a church plinth.

Oh, my God.

What, and they had sex in the church hall?

Yeah.

Good lord.

That's obviously not appropriate, but kind of cool.

Yeah.

God did not nod.

What about this one?

Weirdest place I've had sex.

In a goat shed.

I was bent over and a goat nibbled my pomegranate nipple.

And then a group of school children came to visit the goats and my nipple was bleeding and I had to pretend I wasn't in agony.

Wow.

There's a lot there.

Let's unpack.

So she was in a goat, what even is a goat shed, and she got actually nibbled by a real-life animal whilst having sex.

I think she was having sex with a human, and then a goat came up, nibbled her nipple when she was concentrating on other things.

I mean, I don't know how you wouldn't see a goat coming up and approaching you like that.

You'd shoo it before it got to the nipple.

You would think.

Although in that kind of moment, your attention might wander.

Yeah, and then apparently, yeah, a boatload of school kids rocked up.

What is woman doing with her?

Why is everyone doing it at work?

I'm not sure she was working in the goat shed, James.

But why are there school children there?

Yeah, it kind of asks more questions than it answers, doesn't it?

Really?

It does.

I have a kind of a similar one, except not really.

Someone was having sex with their boyfriend and started to experiment with outdoor sex.

And they were walking through Hampton Court Palace and they started to have sex in a bush.

And she had no top on and just hoiked up a skirt.

No top on?

Yeah, so she was topless, but had like a skirt on.

This is very Belinda.

And she says, I was in full throttle, on top, shaking my body.

Before we knew it, a young kid was watching us after his football got kicked into the bush.

Now, is that a baby goat or is that a triangle?

Why are there goats everywhere in these stories?

And they had to say they were practicing an old traditional dance

that Henry VIII did to court his six wives.

I mean, that is thinking on your feet.

Yeah.

I mean, maybe on your knees.

Well, quite.

And maybe he well did.

I mean,

I'm sure he did do that traditional dance many times.

although wouldn't you just shoo the kid away rather than being like watch this beautiful presentation don't go this person's interesting um she says my husband and i had sex in my parents closet once they came home and we were right in the middle of it in their bed so they ran into the closet and decided just to finish up

that's Disgusting.

Horrible, right?

Someone had sex in a cinema-disabled toilet, snuck out during Mean Girls as it was a bloody awful film.

I don't know what I'm more offended about there, the fact that I'm afraid of it.

Honestly, Mean Girls is a terrible film.

Pay attention, and you'll learn something in it.

It's meme-tastic for a reason.

Got one here.

My boyfriend and I had sex backstage at a Cirque de Soleil cast party behind the restroom trailer.

I couldn't even enjoy it because I was certain I was going to get fired.

Why is everybody having sex at work?

You're obsessed with the work.

Cirque du Soleil, though.

That'll be very bending.

Very bending.

Oh, my goodness.

Flexible, elastic men and women.

It's inhuman, isn't it?

How much they can bend please keep this anonymous uh and this one is from mandy um

on a couch on the side of a mountain the couch had been there for quite some time oh

francis making me feel so beige a juicy sofa because you can imagine it'd be spongy and full of like stuff wouldn't it yeah what's what's been in it what's been on it clean it this is mad because we've been to some uh landmarks and a half together and very busy places if you go to a major city and you climb a tower.

I've kind of had sex at the top of the CN Tower in Toronto.

The girl I was with at the time and I decided to take a remote control vibrator with us to add a saucy twist to our sightseeing.

They've taken props.

Remote control.

We entered the base of the tower with everything in place and having given the vibrator a few test runs before we arrived.

However, we were both somewhat concerned to see we would have to go through an airport style security check

including body scanners.

Worried that it might lead to awkward questions about the device she was concealing and the trigger for it in my pocket.

Fortunately, we passed through security with no alarms being set off.

Hopefully, the story has not now compromised CN Tower security, like the Cosmo Macaroon Fangla mailing list.

And ended up having a very enjoyable visit to the famous landmark.

We even managed to get some innocent-looking tourist photos taken while she was having to conceal the fact that the vibrator was on full power.

What?

Wowzers.

But to be fair, even if they saw that insecurity, they could...

Why would they take that off you?

You can have a vibrator in the CN Tower, can't you?

It's very wonderful.

What world do we live in if you can't take a vibrator up the CN Tower?

What?

It's a world I don't want to live live in, Alice.

Someone says a pedalo in Corfu that my boyfriend's parents have paid for.

Pedalo!

I love that it matters who paid for it.

It says in brackets, they weren't on board.

Thanks for clarifying.

But who was pedaling?

One of them, I guess.

What, at the same time?

Well, they sailed round the cliffs out of sight of the beach and they made it back in time for the 60-minute limits.

So everybody wins.

But it's always too long, isn't it?

60 minutes on a pedal.

So you're going to have to spend some time doing something else because you don't need...

I'd say 35 minutes max and then you're just waiting to take it back.

Well, do you remember?

We were all on a pedal.

Was it Pedalone?

It was a rowboat.

Yeah, in Central Park in New York.

Really fun for like 10 minutes.

Then we were like, what do we do now?

Just kind of.

Well, then we just made you row us around.

God, it must have been so boring.

This person's very adventurous.

She just kind of lists where she's had sex.

Okay.

God.

The airport.

At the gate, under some coats.

No!

Under some coats.

Whose coats?

Not even theirs.

In a cemetery.

Oh, that's kind of dark.

In a library.

It has to be very quiet.

Yeah, it would have to be quite unsatisfying sex though, wouldn't it?

Yeah, just shh.

And then one time in a car in a parking garage where I was beeping the horn with my ass.

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Oh, you can imagine.

He or she is, I mean, very Belinda, very Belinda.

This one's quite exotic.

We had sex camped on an unrestored part of the Great Wall of China.

It was way too humid to have sex.

It was like being in a greenhouse.

And this person says, but I got wanked off.

Shrug emoji.

Oh, okay.

Someone here is saying, I actually lost my virginity in a secret room behind a bookcase.

What?

Wow.

The house itself was a historic.

I mean, this feels like a fucking story.

Like a priest toll.

Wait, is this the Duchess's house?

I think it might be.

The house itself was a historic mansion.

Someone was playing Beethoven's Fifth in the other wing of the house.

Shut up.

I spent the entire time trying not to laugh.

My partner didn't seem to notice the music.

I still can't hear it without bursting into a fit of giggles to this day.

I call bullshit.

But also, thank you for your story.

Yeah.

This person did it in a sauna.

It was turned on and they were fully clothed.

I once had sex in the toilet of Blackpool bus station and we broke the toilet.

So if people visit to this very day, you can see that toilet.

A family was waiting outside, having heard it all.

Oh, my God.

Against a wall between a church and an undertaker's during her sister's engagement party.

I like that they're next door to each other.

So efficient.

What is it with people and walls?

I've been bent over Hadrian's wall.

Me and my boyfriend were out on a lovely walk and no one was around.

So one thing led to another.

What do you mean?

Not one thing led to another.

So you went for a lovely pub lunch.

That's what happens.

And we recreated the Henry VIII dance.

Here's one.

Not me getting laid, but I once walked back to to my bed in an 18-bed hostel dorm.

Thought this was very appropriate.

Oh, yes.

To find a couple going at it on my bed.

Oh, come on now.

Thinking I could make it funny, I just perched on the end of the bed and stared at them, which didn't seem to deter them.

I then tried clapping,

which only encouraged it.

Isn't that how you shoo away a raccoon and not stop people having sex on your hostel bed?

I slept on the floor, then one of them trunkly pissed themselves, which got in my hair when it seeped through the sheets.

What a beautiful holiday.

Five stars on TripAdvisor.

Oh my god, there's more goats.

Someone might have sits in a national park.

And it was getting hot and heavy.

And then they heard some weird noises, like a low-pitched scream.

And then they turned around and it was a herd of goats staring.

Is this a king?

Is this something we don't know about?

Have you heard a goat scream, though?

No, I don't think I have.

It's a really high-pitched, like, quite human scream.

Yeah.

It's hilarious.

Yeah, they kind of cut it into videos of people like Ariana Grande singing.

Yeah, it's a good, it's a pitch.

Can you give me a little blast of goat?

That's not even a good idea.

We're going to do that again.

That is literally what it sounds like.

Is it really?

So imagine like a pack of those as you're going at it.

You'd feel like there was competition.

Someone had sex in a smart car.

They're very small.

There's not a lot of room.

That's the weirdest one we've had yet.

I could barely get in that on my own.

The weirdest place I've ever had sex was in a dog run.

I used to work at a veterinary clinic and my boyfriend would go with me on the weekends to take care of the boarding animals and we used to lay down blankets and fool around while the dogs ran around outside.

So strange to be having sex in a room that smells of wet dog urine.

Oh my god, that's not nice.

Jamie, I'm worried this one's from you.

On a set, on stage, in a theatre.

I didn't know it at the time, but the guy was technically living at the theatre.

Oh my god, are you?

And sleeping on set for free in exchange for work.

It's literally a kiss and tablet.

It's you!

What have you been doing?

Theatres are fun, like backstage, I can imagine that being quite a fun place to have sex.

But no, on stage.

Oh, like, fuck.

Out of hours, though, not during a panto.

Very avant-garde.

Jamie, is that where you got all your ideas for your little plays?

All your little conquests.

What about this one?

This is old school.

Videos games aisle at the blockbuster we both worked at.

Oh, retro!

The video game aisle.

But they were very exposed blockbusters.

There was no cover.

No.

But often dead.

Like, often nobody in there.

Yeah, yeah.

What I'm getting, though, from a lot of these is people aren't really bothering to hide.

Like, they're just kind of.

But that's kind of part of the kink, isn't it?

Doing it outside and dangerous being caught.

Right.

I just don't get that, though.

Because you know, sometimes when people are against the clock, that can affect performance.

Yeah.

I think thinking that somebody's going to burst in, surely that's going to have an impact, but obviously not.

Obviously, not.

Once had a blowjob in the back of my dad's car whilst he was driving.

That's awful.

That makes me want to cry.

Pretty sure he hadn't a clue.

Pretty sure.

Someone was sat next to someone on a flight and they both jerked off together.

On a flight?

Wait, they were like turned on by the other person.

They didn't go to like a toilet or anything.

That's mad.

Yeah.

Wait, with those airline blankets, because I think they're grim.

I know they put them in plastic, but where have they come from?

Yeah.

Why are they being recycled?

It's strange.

And also, I hate the use of plastic.

Come on, guys.

I've got a good one here.

We can all relate to this.

Train toilet whilst drunk.

Can we now?

Well, wait.

Which may not not sound original, but here's the add of trauma.

It was one of those big cubicles with the automatic door button, which opens really slightly.

I have such anxiety about those.

So when a young girl and her mates came on and pressed the button, all either of us could do was stand there with our pants down, looking really sad and sorry, and repeatedly jabbing the door close buttons.

Then had to hide in there until the end of the live.

They were just hiding in the toilet when everyone else got off because of the shame.

But I've been to the toilet just to do normal toilet things, not to have sex on those.

And you do panic that they're just going to open it.

But they do.

I swear they don't lock.

And also, why do they talk to you now?

Do you have that?

I'm trying to get sexy and like turned on.

Hello, I'm a toilet.

Oh, yes.

Please be kind to me.

Is that what it says?

Yeah, they literally talk to you now.

It's the weirdest thing.

I actually can't think of anything unsexier than a British train toilet anyway.

They're so repulsive.

I did once open a door on an old lady in the toilet.

In the toilet?

Yeah.

What do you mean in?

She fell in.

She was on the toilet.

Oh, on the toilet.

Sorry, sorry.

Semantics.

She was on the toilet.

James, this whole show is semantics.

What do you mean?

Why did you do that?

I didn't, not on purpose.

She just hadn't locked it properly.

And I was like, oh, I'm sorry.

And she kind of made a whimper noise.

I was like,

at least it was me.

What's that supposed to be?

Well, I'm a good person.

So I just closed the door again and went on my merry way.

And I never spoke of it again until this podcast.

I'm sure she'll be very pleased to be on a footnote.

Shout out to Maggie.

This one, I feel like you two will like one specific detail of because there seems to be a lot of these stories, which is just having sex outside, which I get, I get.

Went for a walk along some cliffs near the sea and proceeded to have sexy times with my man in a secluded bit next to the sea.

And a curious seal stayed to watch the show.

Seal the artist?

Just from her own seal.

I don't know why he was there, but it's his prerogative to have a little peek.

This was pre-Heidi Klume.

Okay, so...

There seems to be themes building at work, outside, in the car.

This takes a turn that that I didn't expect.

Setting, friend's cottage on the dining table, think rustic Canadian.

My then boyfriend and I bought new anal beads, more like balls though, think tennis ball size.

And then he was, well, pulling them out of me.

The silicon connector broke off and I was left with one tennis size?

One tennis size solid glass ball in my ass.

So I had to go into the outhouse.

Not a washroom.

Again, think rustic and literally fish the ball out with my hand.

With a lot of dedication and and lube, I was successful in retrieving the lost ball.

The end, says somebody like it's a beautiful story.

Oh my god.

These stories just make me think, Belinda Blink, not that raw?

Yes.

Actually, people get up to way kinkier stuff.

I feel so beige.

Oh, they were so good.

Thank you so much.

And also, can I just say on a serious note, thank you so much for actually trusting us with all these stories.

It's kind of amazing that you did that.

Yeah, we've posted them publicly on Reddit where they're all available.

No, thank you for sending them in.

They're hilarious.

And there's loads more, so I'm just going to carry on reading them.

Yeah, definitely.

I'm also thrilled that all the Blinkas are getting some.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Well, our listeners are a sexy bunch, Alice.

You can't rein them in.

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