S5E11 - 'A B, a B and a Q'

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The following podcast contains adult themes, sexual content, and strong language.

Basically, all the good stuff.

Hello, and welcome to My Dad Road to Porno.

Alice and James, how are you both today?

It is wonderful to be back with you.

Oh, it's nice.

And I very rarely say that or feel that.

So this is really great.

I can't believe we're nearing the end of book five already.

No, it's kind of, I mean, it's not emotional, but it's something.

I feel something.

I mean, it feels like only yesterday that Dick Van Dyke was stood on his own in heaven.

True.

Yeah, R.I.P.

Dick.

I mean, fully alive.

Okay, so who wants a bit of a refresher on what happened?

Oh, yeah, definitely.

Oh, actually, before we do, guess who I saw on the tube yesterday?

Oh, okay.

Pun.

Was it a man?

It was not a man.

Actor.

Russ.

Yes, it is an actor.

We've mentioned them on the podcast more a long time ago than now.

British?

The one.

The only.

He's not answering you anymore.

He just wants to do the reveal.

Miriam Margally.

No, you didn't!

She was reading a script.

Didn't you go talk to her?

I didn't.

She kind of looked at me.

She didn't look the most approachable.

She looked quite cross.

Maybe it was quite an angry script.

She is very cross-woman.

And also, we said she was going to be the voice of Belinda's clit, didn't we?

So that might be why she looked at you angrily.

I don't think she knew who the hell I was, but I was like, oh my god, it's Miriam.

I can't believe you saw Miriam Margolis and you didn't even say hello.

You can't, can you?

It's Miriam Margolies.

What are you going to say on your dying day?

Oh, I didn't talk to Miriam Margulies.

Well, you are now, because you didn't.

You'll probably say, I didn't speak to Miriam Margoyles, or whatever you called her, and bloody book one.

I don't really know who she is, but...

She's a national treasure.

So it's probably a good job you didn't speak to her.

That is a great spot.

Great spot.

Yeah.

Right.

Remind us where we were.

Right, okay.

So Belinda Belinda and Bella are in Australia.

They're in Sydney.

Yes.

Belinda had the interview or the meeting with Cosmo Macaroon's agent, Cornelius Kettle.

Yes.

And

she's not going on dancing in the sky with diamonds or whatever it's called.

And she managed to kind of break into his dressing room in the studio.

And eat his bagels, was it?

No, sold him some pots and pans.

So now I think she managed to get all of the Oxybrillo range to be the official partner of

whatever Cosmo Macaroon's cooking show is, I can't remember.

And it ended with Giselle looking at them from behind like a camera crane.

In a normal sized room.

I don't know where she was.

She was in the gallery.

I don't know.

What an unusual place to pick up.

Do we think we're about to have a standard?

A reunion between Belinda and Giselle.

And Bella's there as well.

The Glee team could be united tonight.

Oh my God, it doesn't make any sense.

Why doesn't it make any sense?

Why doesn't it make sense?

Because, why are they in just like a little green room?

Oh, no, well, yeah, that doesn't make any sense.

And she's hiding behind, like you said, on a giant crane.

But why is this the place where they meet?

Why is this the place where the jewel is?

This will be the setting for the big conference.

It's not really in Gettysburg, is it?

In amazing, like they've been in the castles, exactly.

They've been in so many scenarios where it would feel tense.

Exactly.

Nope, the green room at a TV studio in Sydney.

Okay, well, shall we see if they do meet?

If this is going to actually happen, that the Glee team are united.

This is number 11, right?

Chapter 11, yeah.

It needs to pick up a pace because we're running out of chapters.

Well, Rocky is.

And there needs to be a thing.

There needs to be resolution of some sort.

Something has to happen for God's sake.

Is someone going to die?

In addition to Slint?

Oh, yes.

Wait a sec.

The forgotten man of Belinda Blinks.

Bella didn't even die, and we basically gave her a video funeral online.

Slint, he's dead and buried.

We don't care.

He just disappeared.

He's just gone missing.

He's in a human-shaped bag somewhere.

In the boot of the car still, maybe in Sydney.

Oh, God, no.

They did.

I'm sorry, they didn't get him through fucking security.

You can't get the car ferry to Sydney, Jamie.

Okay, so.

Belinda Blink 5, Chapter 11.

A B, a B, and a Q.

A barbecue.

Barbecue.

It took me a while.

Or Belinda Bella.

And Quentin.

Or maybe Cosmo spelt with a Q.

I actually wouldn't put it past him.

Giselle's eyes turned from emerald envy to ruby lust.

Nah.

At the sight of Belinda and Bella bonking the Tuesday-ness out of Cosmo Cosmo Macaroon.

So she's got pink eye.

It's just bonking just the mundane Tuesday-ness out of him.

Those Tuesday-ness blues.

Very Craig David of him.

Oh yes.

Oh no, what were they doing on Tuesday?

Did they do it on Tuesday?

Went for a drink on...

No, Monday.

Took her for a drink.

Tuesday.

Oh, it was Monday.

Took her for a drink on Tuesday.

They were making love by Wednesday.

They chilled.

Oh, they were making love Thursday, Friday, Saturday.

Yeah, and then they chilled on Sunday.

Very Belinda.

I think of it as very James.

I don't think of it as Craig David anymore.

She missed missed the ease of her friendships with these women, but she knew she had crossed the pale when it came to repentance.

Oh, yeah.

It's definitely gone beyond a little sorry and just join in.

Sorry about the bomb and the spying and the fake friendship and the death and the dash.

Can I stick a finger in?

Kissy, kissy.

So she's not really interested in being friends, is she?

She's just feeling a bit horny.

Yeah, yeah.

Belinda awoke with the.

Oh, okay, so we've moved on from there.

Are you joking?

No.

Are you joking?

That.

Are you joking?

He doesn't usually kick off, so he must be mad.

Are you on some sort of repeat?

Like, what do you mean?

Well, it feels like we're about we've just left the studio and it's the next day.

Yeah, what we have.

That's exactly what's happened, yes.

Well, that's very disappointing, isn't it?

I'm not even angry, I'm just disappointed.

So, wait, if this is going to be a bullshit chapter where we go to the Sydney Opera House, though, I love it,

some koala farm.

Is it just gonna be a string of Australian clichés and a day trip?

Alice, it's worse than that.

We're going to a barbecue.

That's all we're doing.

Do you think that's it?

A barbie?

We're just going to be going to a barbecue.

We're going to put some shrimps on the barbie.

Yeah.

Yeah, here we go.

Prediction.

Let's have a barbecue.

There'll be some sausage metaphors.

Everyone will bonk by the condiments.

And I feel like maybe somebody will wear a penny and nothing underneath it.

It would be one of those naked pennies.

Exactly.

So Belinda awoke with the ringing of her work pager.

It was Mr.

Fixit Jim Thompson.

What do you want?

What a callback.

Whenever he pops up again, I'm like, he's not really Mr.

Fix-It though, is he?

Because he's not helped with any of this.

Sounds like he's about to create a problem, if you ask me.

The pager read.

Slash slash star.

After their star appearance on Cooking with Cosmo slash slash star, new line.

Slash slash star.

Can I pause you there?

Don't tell me that the pots and pans have sold out and they're an international sensation.

After their appearance on Cosmo Diablo, whatever he's called, oh my god, they are worth more than gold.

So the page you read, Alice.

Slash slash star.

After their star appearance on Cooking with Cosmo, slash slash star, new line, slash slash star, the Oxy Brillo range had overnight become the fastest, slash slash star, new line, slash slash star.

Selling pots and pans range in Australian history slash slash star end page.

Wow.

Why is that even that title to be held?

Fastest selling pots and pans range in Australian history.

After one night of also, I'm sure it was a preview.

Has it aired?

Yeah, it's not, it isn't like it's a fucking live cooking show.

Guys, let's take this company public.

We have made our money.

Let's stop here.

This is

she could earn her huge bonus.

This could be what she needs.

There's some resolution for you.

Yeah, I mean, that's a pretty good deal.

Well, there aren't that many people in Australia, are there?

It's about 20 mil, right?

Is that have I got that right?

So even if you sell big in Australia, it's not the biggest market.

I mean, a great market, but in size.

But it's word of mouth, owl.

Word of mouth.

Start spreading.

You're the social media.

You heard the pages.

I'm going to spread around the world.

Why is she getting that on a pager?

Also, I love how it's all spelled out.

You know, the new line is spelled out.

It's not even older.

Oh, it says new line.

Yeah.

And the end page is in capitals.

Is that how things display on a pager?

Slash/slash star.

I don't think he's ever seen a pager.

Isn't a pager just like one long line in it?

Like a ticket's along.

Yeah.

And doesn't it usually just say dial 81249 and then get the message?

This is what the message is, does it?

It just says you have a message or someone who's going to talk about it.

That was always the thing that it just said somebody with a telephone number that ends 8190 wants to get in touch with you.

So then you'd have to go and find a phone box and ring them.

No point.

No point.

I mean, life's too short, isn't it?

Post a celebratory phone conversation with the MD Tony Sylvester.

Yes, thank you.

Both in their pajamas, but for different cycles of sleep, laughed Belinda.

I'm getting up.

You're going to bed.

What an upside-down world.

Time zone, bands.

Belinda's such a, what time is it there?

We're an hour ahead.

We're an hour ahead.

They're more than an hour ahead, Donnie.

Both in their pajamas, but for different cycles of sleep, laughed Belinda.

Belinda was given the green to some leisure time.

Given the girl ahead.

Given the green to some

light.

Oh, right.

For some leisure time.

I mean, her whole life's leisure time, but sure.

Two hours and a minute later, she and Bella, protecting her noggin from the ozone-less sun in a cork-decorated hat,

were on a train.

Stereotype one.

Lord above.

Why do I feel like she's she's got like an inflatable kangaroo under her arm as well?

Oh, the full shebang.

And you know, like the kind of green and pink surf sunscreen that you can do in lines on your face.

I mean, the comment about the bush, I just think we should leave aside.

Yeah, whose bush are they going into?

Each other's

somewhere near the Whit Sundays.

How long have they been travelling?

That's quite a long way from Sydney, isn't it?

They're off the east coast, aren't they?

But they're like far out into the sea, obviously Coz Island.

That's far.

Yeah.

Well, and they did that the next day.

Well, they're on a train.

They've got a train.

Let me just see on the

on the map age.

They're on a train into the bush via the Whit Sundays.

I don't know.

Whit Sunday Island?

Yeah, it's in Queensland.

And is that different to Sydney?

Different state.

Right.

You can fly there.

Not many trains.

No, it's not.

It's not suggesting there are any trains.

I mean, the flight is two and a half hours.

Oh, it's not too bad.

No.

Although, what train are they?

It's best not to ask, isn't it?

We're getting a train to the bush.

So somewhere near the Whit Sundays, a youngish backpacker entered their compartment, dodging the fare.

Oio.

Oh, hello, adventurer, sizzled Bella, hungry for cock.

She's very friendly, isn't she?

Like, if it were me, I'd just keep my head down, put my headphones in, and just be like, pretending to read my book or just like on my phone or whatever.

Right.

But she's very open.

Antisocial, you, yeah.

Chatty.

I am very antisocial, yeah.

Hola señorita.

Oh,

said the Spanish backpacker from the Costa del del Sun.

Oh, well, they went for the uh the Hindu, because apparently there's only one region of Spanish.

Have they called it Costa del Sun before?

I think they called it the Costa del Sol before, I think.

Yeah, Sun's new.

Sun's new.

Maybe you're like translating it for Bella and Belinda in the world.

Right.

O la teñoritas.

I hope you're packing me in your backpack.

If you know what I mean.

Egged on Bella with a grin.

Now that is too forward.

I mean, there's a balance.

There's something between totally ignoring them and just being friendly.

Also, meat in your backpack is

unpleasant.

In that heat.

In that heat, that's what I'm thinking about.

It's not going to keep.

It's going to be high.

Oh, I am a thie.

Ha ha.

He responded with mirth.

That probably actually means like some salami.

She's probably hungry.

So he's like, oh, I am the.

Ha ha ha.

What a hoop.

One has got a space.

When did you last shower?

Ask Belinda, no fooler flies her.

Not a phrase.

No fooler flies.

No fooler flies her.

No fooler flies her.

No foola flies her.

No fool of flies.

No foola flies, comma her.

When did you last shower?

Asked Belinda.

No fooler flies her.

Stop saying it, doesn't make it any better.

Alice, no fools of flies, huh?

Have you seen his outfit?

No fool of flies.

Doth de the go in Jim Jim Fove.

I'm sorry, what?

Oh, dear.

He answered.

What did you say?

Once more from the top?

Doth De de Go in Jim Jim Falls.

Two days ago in Jim Jim Falls.

Jim Jim Falls.

No.

No, it doesn't ring a bell.

I presume that's

a beautiful, picturesque waterfall.

That's being sullied by these books.

Should I look it up?

Yeah, look it up.

Yeah.

Because we've fallen foul of Rocky before.

Oh, true, yeah.

It's real.

It's real.

Jim Jim Falls.

Is it near the Whit Sundays?

It's in the middle of the top of Australia.

It really couldn't be further away.

But he is backpacking, guys.

He's backpacking, yeah.

So two days ago, he was in the Jim Jim Fools.

I've never heard of it.

Where does he get these things from?

Guys, it's got good reviews.

It's got 4.6 on Google.

Oh, good.

Oh, great.

You know, I love the reviews.

Oh, yeah.

What are people saying?

The campground and amenities were in good condition and well-maintained.

Oh, it's not that interesting.

Oh, hang on, there's a one-star review.

Oh, yeah, okay, that's more our speed.

The road in is pretty bad.

There is no shade facilities at the car park to have lunch.

There is no water going over the falls.

We went down down a drought, but it was not even a waterfall.

That's what I would have put first.

Yeah, no fucking fucking access road.

There's no bloody fucking waterfall.

There's no water.

He's put the date.

It's the 22nd of August, 2018.

Oh, recently.

And it's a pretty awkward walk in.

The water is cold at the plunge pool.

Well, obviously.

Go to Magook instead, which is a shorter drive, shorter walk, warmer water, and is still a waterfall.

So what's everybody else given five stars to?

Just a great car park.

Well, everyone's like, beautiful, the best waterfall in Kakadu.

So, dust dego in Dim Jim Fools.

Clearly had some water then.

Oh, yes.

It was a flowing then.

Sigh, breathed Belinda.

She'd had many dips in Jim Jim Fools herself.

Oh, still.

It doesn't really work, does it?

Jim Thompson.

It's a bit too much of a leap, isn't it?

I'll be honest, I didn't get it straight away, but I am basically Bella.

Wait, is Rocky being too clever for us?

Join away.

She smiled at her fellow European.

Their first night in the youth hostel was uncomfortable.

She's nearly 30 years old.

Can she not afford to hide out?

Also, she's doing this on the business.

Put it on the company credit card.

Wait, why?

What?

Oh, I'm just so mad that this is where we're at.

Oh, my God.

So her and Bella, and we presume Francois Dubois, what was he called?

Just Backpacker at this point.

Backpacker.

Backpacker, do you sure?

Spanish backpacker.

They're all going to the youth hostel together.

I guess they've kind of met him and they were like, oh, you're fun and kind of, you know, dangerous.

Let's join you in your little adventure.

Why are they actually like uni students, though?

Because they've been given the green.

I bet they're in.

Have you ever stayed in a youth hostel with like 16 beds?

Yeah.

It is fun.

I mean, I wouldn't do it now, but it was fun back when we were younger, wasn't it?

I don't know.

Not when you heard people having sex in another bed.

No, yeah.

What in the dorm?

So their first night in the youth hostel was uncomfortable.

Bella wasn't used to a single bed and bugger it if Belinda was supposed to sleep on the top bunk.

To just second James's thing, I mean of all the times to scrimp.

Yeah, put it on the annex.

After a day of sex in the outback, Belinda had a plan.

That's the bit to probably focus on because we've been quite transport heavy thus far.

So maybe focus on the sex.

So after a day of sex in the outback, Belinda had a plan.

After dinner, but before drinks, she began dismantling all the bunk beds with her portable travel spanner.

People will be.

That's criminal, isn't it?

That's vandalism, essentially, of what she's doing.

She travels with a spanner.

I mean, my dad travels with a spanner, to be fair.

He has his own little toolkit that he travels everywhere with.

How are you getting that through, customs?

Oh, hold luggage.

Oh, fine.

As long as he's not got it on his person.

Yeah.

It's not in the cabin with him.

Have you ever got through security, though, with something a bit dodgy?

Like, have you ever got through and you're like, oh my god, I've got this, like, pin?

Why have you got a pin?

I don't know.

But, like, have you got through with something where you're like, probably shouldn't be able to have this on a plane.

I once went through security with a cake fork in my bag.

Okay, why did you have a cake fork?

I don't know.

I was, I was really living.

Oh, let me guess from your time being a professional patisserie chef at the age of five.

You and Val.

I think I was just eating all the cake, to be honest with you.

But no, yeah, they're really mean to you.

No, Sabbi, why did you have a cake fork?

I don't know.

It was just, it was in my bag.

I think.

What is it that's left over?

What is a cake fork?

Yeah, a cake, but very, very long prongs.

Like, quite a lethal piece of cake.

I'm not keeping so chill again.

Did you insist upon a cake fork anytime you eat a cake?

Well, I'd love to eat this red velvet cake, but I can't see a cake fork anywhere.

I'll have to leave it.

It all goes still.

Mummy, mummy, I know we're going on the big trip, but don't forget to pack my cake fork.

I bloody hell, I've got a cake fork in my bag.

What about lie?

You two are horrible people.

Oh my god, cake fork.

Honest to God.

Every time you learn something like that about him, does it just make you question why we've been friends so long?

I just imagine him when he was a kid, just this little Lord Fauntle Roy.

That's so not true.

That wasn't what I was doing.

Precious little deer.

I feel like he didn't walk, he trotted around

with his fucking nose in the air, holding his cake fork, writing plates,

calling his mum mother

or mummy.

I was incredibly bullied, actually, but uh, you amazed me

So mean.

After a day.

After a day!

After a day of sex in the outback, Belinda had a plan.

After dinner, but before drinks, she began dismantling all the bunk beds with her portable travel spanner.

Quite the dab hand, it only took about three and a half hours to finish the job.

Fucking hell.

After dinner, before drinks.

Yes.

When she was done, she had created one big bed made up of all the rectangular singles.

I'd be furious.

I'd be like, what have you done?

What the fuck?

What is this bizarre thing to think of doing?

So that everybody that shares their dorm has to sleep in the same bed as them.

Weird.

And also, if you came back and you just thought you were having some cheap accommodation,

then I would definitely complain that my bed had been turned into one giant bed.

I'd be like, some fucking lunatic.

Dismantled.

With a travel bed.

With all due respect, real structural integrity and beautifully put together, but still furious.

And she did it in record time.

I can't fault her on that.

Much better.

She said she clapped her hands together at a job well done.

It's me kind of interpreting that.

Well, they're usually bunk beds, aren't they?

So is she saying that it's got two levels?

Or maybe she's taken all the bunk beds off because Bug Rep, she was going to sleep in a bunk bed.

Oh, no, yeah.

She's completely dismantled them.

Everything's on the floor now.

Because I was thinking a two-level orgy.

That's pretty impressive, isn't it?

It's like a little thought.

Yeah, because you can like tap in for the top level and be like, oh, no, it's a bit more chilled underneath.

I'm going to dip it it below deck.

Crazy upstairs.

That night was an intoxicating orgy of fun and females, with figures from various bars joining them from Peggy Mae to Bridget with a B.

Bridget with a.

B.

How else would you spell Bridget?

Bridget.

Bridget.

Okay, sure.

Quince.

I spotted a cue.

Yeah, here we go.

Quince was the sole man.

Quince!

Hang on.

Has he made that try and fit with the.

Did he write the chapter title?

He was like, Don't know what the fuck I'm going to do here.

I was waiting for a name.

And why did I assume it would be a name that exists?

That's a fruit, obviously, isn't it?

Yes.

And also, that classic thing of him not naming them until halfway through the chapter, blah, blah, blah.

Oh, this is our Spanish backpacker.

Well, I assumed it was.

Maybe it's not.

Quince was the sole man.

Yeah, the sole man.

Sole man.

He's the sole man.

Quince was the sole man, and he enjoyed having his Spanish chorizo shared by the giddy working holiday visa holders.

I don't know if I'd...

Chorizo is very like dotty and spotty and quite red, isn't it?

Big bits of fat in it and it's quite oily, spicy,

red raw.

And he enjoyed having his Spanish chorizo shared by the giddy working holiday visa holders.

I know that we're not going to comment on chorizo and him doing the.

I'm just leaning into it now.

Right, fine.

Because you know he's going to say, that's how they say it.

That's how they say it.

It's just like call it chorizo.

Chorizzo.

Chorizzo.

My mum calls jalapenos japolinos.

Japolinos.

Japolinos.

That's what a fun name for them.

And my stepdad calls this Caesar salad a Cesar salad.

Caesar.

Caesar.

Honestly, I don't know how they order food in a restaurant.

So Quince is having a great time.

Good.

Good for him.

The next day was hot to trot, so Quince suggested a day on the white sand.

Why does this chapter feel like a montage?

It really did.

We were very

Going to the islands, coming to the outback, having some sex and moving on.

You forgot the dismantling of the bunk beds.

Oh, yes, yes, yes, yes.

Belinda had never had all-out, top-to-bottom sex at the beach before.

In the sea, yes.

On the white cliffs of Dover, of course.

High wind speeds up there.

She's not an animal.

But this...

was the bit of geological earth between hard land and wet water and she was rampant to try it.

So she's never never shagged on a beach?

Never.

Sex on the beach.

Yeah.

She wriggled out of her bikini bottoms.

She never wore a beach bra and frolicked in the sun-snogged sea.

What does that mean?

Sun-kissed, but like really deeply.

Oh, wow.

Tongs.

The sun is using tongs.

Horrible.

So they were frolicking in the sun-snogged sea.

It was sparkling like your hands after handling something glittery at Christmas.

I know just that feeling.

Do you know what?

A picture painted with words, because I know just that feeling.

Do you ever put PVA glue on your hands when you're a kid and peel it off?

No, did you?

All the time.

I ate paint, so I did all sorts.

It's an ASMR-y type thing, isn't it?

Lovely.

It was sparkling like your hands after holding something glittery at Christmas and was the warmth of fresh wee.

Uh-oh.

Fresh wee, though.

He gives with one hand and he takes with the other one.

He really does.

He really does.

Quince joined, his floppy 11th finger flapping as he skipped and splashed.

I've never heard that.

Have you heard that?

No.

Why would it be part of the finger clamp?

It would also technically be your ninth finger, but you know.

Jamie, at this point.

Very thin.

Yeah.

Not complimentary, is it?

No.

Not if somebody has a finger, a finger dick.

No.

Finger dick.

Which finger as well?

Little finger.

Well, I think.

Sorry, I just remembered something.

When I was a kid, we had a family friend who'd like humiliate you by going, Little finger, finger laugh at you.

Little finger laugh at you.

And he'd like wiggle as hell.

He'd wiggle his little finger your way and he'd be like, Little finger, laugh at you.

I'd be like, Carl!

Get that little finger away from me.

What a strange boy.

Have you ever been laughed at by a little finger?

It's one of the most humiliating experiences.

Was he a grown man?

He was a grown, he's my dad's friend.

What?

Oh my god, I thought he was another child.

No, he's my dad's friend.

Fucking.

And then like my sister would join in.

So it's like a chorus of Little Finger laugh at you.

But why are they laughing at you?

Because I'm probably titting around about something.

Little finger laugh at you.

Little finger laugh at you.

Let's see if he still reacts to it, Jamie.

Little finger laugh at you.

No, don't.

Little finger laugh at you.

So do you have to waggle it like that?

Up and down.

Like the little finger is like belly laughing.

Oh my god.

That's awful.

It's kind of really creepy and sinister, isn't it?

Little finger laugh at you.

You're doing a strange voice with it.

That's the voice used to.

Little finger laugh at you.

Are you still friends with this gentleman?

Is he in your life?

No, not anymore.

And I'll never forget it, actually.

It really, really bothered me.

It's got that Pavlovian effect to it.

Like when you guys did it then,

it was a deep, deep shame.

What's weird about it is it's not the little finger laughs at you.

The conjugation of the phrase is confusing.

Little finger laugh at you.

Little finger laugh at you, Carl.

You're a terrible grammar.

Would this be worse?

Index finger laugh at you.

No, it's the little, isn't it?

It's like, what have you got to be so happy about?

Even the little fingers laugh at you.

Even the runtime.

Yes, you're right.

It's that, isn't it?

It's that belittling.

With this lovely manicure, does it make it any better?

So Quince joined his floppy 11th finger flapping as he skipped and splashed.

But Bella...

wouldn't enter the ocean because she was very sensible and scared of sharks, jellyfish, manta rays and eels.

Well actually to be fair in Australia, good to be cautious.

A lot of crazy stuff stuff in that sea.

There was no way she was going to die at sea.

Come on, baby Bella.

Little finger land.

She said so much of it.

That was in the book.

Come on, baby Bella, shouted Belinda from the depths.

There's nothing here to eat you apart from me and Quince.

I mean, I know she's a skillful lover, but going down on somebody in the sea.

That's hard.

That's trickery.

That's a salty, salty mess, isn't it?

You need a snorkel.

You enjoy your death soup, you silly tourists.

Death soup?

Bella yelled back, bronzing her buns.

As fun as the sea was, throwing water at each other got repetitive quickly, and bored to tears, Belinda and Quince returned to land and the beached Bella.

It's true, though.

Like it is true.

Yeah.

Like you can only play batten ball for so long.

Yeah.

You can only build sandcastles for so long.

True.

Only, yeah, the splashing.

I mean, five minutes back.

Five minutes.

Belinda was in the mood for a good old licking out.

Oh, my God.

And Quince was one of the best.

She opened her perfectly the same length legs and allowed the man to sip from her water hole of wonder.

Oh, my.

Lord above.

That's a new one.

Sip from.

I think the sip motion is misleading.

Imagine who's like a buffalo or like a giraffe.

Why is it a watering hole?

I suppose it's kind kind of suggesting like a kind of thirst.

Can I just say, this is massive filler?

Like, what the fuck?

What the fuck happened to Giselle?

What the hell happened to the conference she was supposed to be going to?

This is a copy and paste chapter from any old book, isn't it?

This could be in anything.

Quince sniffed in her pussy perfume with pleasure.

Eau de pussy.

Before getting to work.

Bella had positioned herself underneath the Spanish seigneur because she was more in the mood for balls today.

Oh wait, sorry.

So

explain the geography for me.

So I think Belinda's probably on her back

and Quince is

on his knees licking her out and then Bella's underneath him.

Oh kind of same position as Belinda but shuffled down.

Yeah I guess so yeah.

Through the moans and groans of Belinda in pleasure Bella began thinking about how maligned Bollocks had been on this earth.

Imagine being a forgotten left testis.

The world hardly knew you, yet there will be no world without you.

This is Rocky's music.

What the fuck is this?

I'm sorry.

Is that because sperm is like you need your you need testicles to reproduce?

Are you trying to find meaning in that?

I feel like he's lost it.

I feel like he's.

Yeah.

Bella so often mused on intellectual thoughts such as this.

Yes, she's such a smart girl.

But not on beach days.

What is happening?

It's weirdly melancholy for discussion of balls.

But what, yeah, and what an odd moment of like profundity.

Why is that where he kind of spends some time and starts like musing about the world in between Quince's legs?

I mean, he sees the world through different eyes.

And that is magical.

He sees the world through different balls.

His eyes are much maligned.

No,

Quince's two fertile orbs in their skin sack home

were hanging, love.

We're hanging.

It's absolutely hanging.

So Bella started to teabag them up.

Oh, wow.

Okay, well, that's the end of that.

Teabag them up.

Yeah, I was just saying,

that's the phrase, isn't it?

To teabag something up.

Do people even say teabag?

But do they?

What, in the frozen?

Yeah, I don't think in the moment.

I don't think you go, would you just do a bit of light teabagging, would you?

Yeah, no, I don't think you would.

But what would you say put my balls in your mouth

can there be something between can you do some light tea bagging and budget balls around that

finally it was time for penetration finally and quince slipped into belinda's privately maintained road like an expert parallel parker

The mind boggles as to whether he has a list of the metaphors.

And then when it comes to needing to write about it, does he cross it off?

Is he like, okay, we've done the private motor?

Yeah, exactly.

My worry, though, is the list ran out a long time ago.

Oh, yeah.

It's when he's like, you know, like the conveyor belt at the checkout when you've done the big shop or whatever.

You're like, where the fuck has this come from?

So Belinda's privately maintained road like an expert parallel parker.

In and around and out and in again, flush to the sides and gorgeous to the feel.

You can't parallel park your penis in a vagina.

No.

You absolutely can't.

What are you parking it parallel to?

How are you doing the sort of diagonal out motion?

The only issue was that sand was everywhere and the windbreak kept blowing over.

We've got a windbreak!

Are they even on a private beach?

I mean, I don't mean officially private, but is it concealed?

Oh, I'm sure there's people everywhere.

Oh, I have no doubt.

Yeah, I bet it's a Saturday.

The beach is rammed.

Quince had to intermittently reverse out of the languid ladies to straighten the towel, too.

I don't care.

I don't care about the towel.

I don't care about the windbreaker.

I don't think you would either if you were in that position.

I don't think you'd be like, oh, loving the thorough tea bagging.

I'm supping up from this water hole.

Oh, God, the towel's all askew.

Of course it is.

Of course it bloody is.

Three bodies wriggling all over the place.

No matter.

The sex was as powerful as the sun's rays, sizzling their nudeness like a good old-fashioned Aussie Barbie

Bella Belinda and Quincy

Very what?

Go on, very what?

Now that was a hot riddled barbecue, all right?

Nice butt barbecue BBQ.

Hot riddled.

Griddled.

No, just riddled up.

Riddled.

Riddled with heat.

Hot riddled.

It's riddled with heat.

now that was a hot riddled bbq all right

just then oh no giselle's still looking through the green room

this all happened in the green room there's a little beach in the green room

just then quince seemed to get upset

seemed to

sorry

he mumbled

it's okay quince purred Belinda kindly baby boy don't worry premature coming is nothing to be ashamed of In fact, a recent study found that between one out of three men have experienced this problem at one time or another.

Oh my god.

All right, we're keep getting into facts.

After school special.

You could try taking a break from those beauties and think about something ugly, Bella proffered.

Oh, he's come now, it's too late.

Rubbing her clitoral skin tag.

Oh!

Oh my.

Look alive, look alive.

A skin tag.

Or just take a deep breath when you feel it happening, added Belinda.

I don't think that works.

This is, again, an unusual point to kind of make a point about an issue suffered by men.

No, he will, you know, when he's not teaching about business, there's other takeout from these books.

Yeah.

And it's men's sexual health.

And I'm, you know.

Sure.

I guess I was just thinking if you were using it as intended to get your rocks off and obviously to get your business started, in all senses of the phrase, that might slightly throw you.

That might be something you don't really want to be thinking about.

I don't know.

Also, that's the only time he's done it.

They haven't known him for very long.

He might have just got very excited in that way.

It might not be a chronic problem of his.

Although he does look upset.

Yeah, and sorry, I guess.

So what advice are they actually giving him?

So Bella says that you should think about something ugly.

Belinda says, just take a deep breath.

And then Bella comes back with something else.

Did you come quickly as a teenager to avoid being caught wanking?

It might be hard to break the habit, said Bella, now tucking into a bag of spud pops.

Well, she's just eating crisps.

She's still between his legs, just ramming in.

What are they called?

Spud pops.

What are they?

They're probably just whole potatoes.

Baked.

Just a bag of baked potatoes.

There's no definition for how long straightforward sex should last.

Belinda rounded off the peptol.

Why is this

showing?

Like, alright, we get it.

Everyone's really chill about everything.

Also, he's still gotten about the blocks.

What the fuck is going on?

I don't care.

Oh, how's the towel, by the way?

Is it still straight?

Good God.

So she's like, and there's no definition for how long straightforward sex should last.

No, you weird women.

Quince replied, standing tall.

I'm thy for this.

Oh no.

Oh god.

He's gonna peel a mask off and he's giselle underneath.

And just then,

the beach was flooded with black ops, with rifles

and modern-looking bayonets drawn

oh my god shut up so quince was a plant the terrified Belinda and Bella screamed for mercy of course I did so so sorry it's the who the special um black ops with rifles and modern looking bayonets drawn bayonets the terrified Belinda and Bella screamed for mercy as a helicopter descended from the sky come on now Landed in front of them, spraying sand all over their naked forms.

Sorry, what's the charge?

No, I imagine it's controlled by Giselle.

Black ops?

Well, she's got her own army.

Just you wait, I bet.

He's not really fucking thought about it.

She's got her own police fucking force.

What's going on?

Bella cried.

Are these navy sea lions?

But they have to get us.

Is she still eating the pops, butts?

Just put those down.

She's clutching onto those for dear life.

But Belinda knew the answers, and all her worldly fears were proved right when George Sylvester limped out of the Leonardo da Vinci-designed air vehicle.

Doubt it.

Brilliant.

He was special ops, wasn't he?

Oh, yes.

I engaged the black ops to...

But you don't, you can't just engage the black ops.

It's not like, I don't even know what black ops is.

Maybe they're like retired black ops.

Maybe they're like all quite old and ask us all to stop saying black ops.

I think even if you were one or you were special ops or whatever, I don't think you can just be like, guys, can't do us a favor, can you?

Can 80 to 100 of you descend on three people on a beach having sex?

I don't think you can do that.

Well, you don't know how much money they've got.

They've got millions in the bank.

Well, they haven't yet.

They've only had one tranche, haven't they?

Ta Quince.

I bet Quince wasn't even his real name.

That was the first red flag.

Oh my god.

Ta Quince sneered George as he slipped five bucks into the Spaniard's hand.

Five bucks.

He's paid for all these fucking helicopters and all this personnel.

Here's a fiver.

Go and buy yourself a pick and mix.

Belinda Blumenthal and Bella Ridley.

As I live, breathe and limp.

He's self-aware if nothing else.

They're just naked at this point.

Naked.

Eating spud pops, yep.

Oh, thank god, george are you here to save her

screeched bella oh gosh it's even more annoying when she's distressed

so wait do they know each other from the wedding yeah but i guess bella doesn't know that he's evil because she just thinks that he's tony's brother so what does she think he's there to save them from the black orbs

he's got out of the helicopter or whatever i don't know oh

She's not all there, is she?

George Sylvester laughed like a man man possessed by an evil Tommy Cooper.

Wow, what a look.

So like...

Try the opposite, sweet cheeks.

She's not going to get that.

You're going to have to split it out.

I've got nothing against you personally, George, but you're a bastard.

Belinda uttered, just as a beautiful

blonde

woman in a cat suit leather

in a cat suit leather exited the chopper.

Catsuit leather, what?

A blonde woman in a catsuit leather exited the chopper.

Oh my god.

Giselle sneered at her former colleagues and glee team members.

Little things.

Oh.

Look what the pussy dragged in.

Belinda spat.

Very good.

Save your breath to warm your hands in the cell you'll soon call home, Bloom and Thor.

Oh, good comeback.

Oh, wow, it is really

quite the sparring match.

What a teta tet.

Seize them,

shouted George, and the many upon many black op goons descended on the girls.

So many goons in this book.

So many goons.

Seize them, and we presume take them somewhere to kill them.

Belinda blinked.

Oh.

And that is the end of the chapter.

I mean, this with all due respect.

Holy fucking shit.

What is going on?

There's your plot, James.

You were getting very agitated, weren't you?

You're right, he did.

But then I wonder if he was writing it and he was like, oh, shit, the plot.

And he was like, just descended loads of helicopters on the scene.

Because why did he...

Like, he had the setup at the beginning of the chapter, like, Giselle, Belinda,

and then he just took us entirely out of that, played out this frankly pointless scenario.

False sense of security, though, James, is a classic literary device.

And obviously, if I just wanted to see a lot of Australia and you know, the experience get a feel for the place.

I have to check something.

I have to check what black ops are exactly.

Yes, that's a good idea.

Talk about a roller coaster of a few days.

Started, they've done the deal of their lives, and now

they could be dead.

Sorry, totally listening to you, but also

black ops,

they're a covert or clandestine operation by a government agency, a military unit or a paramilitary organisation.

It can include activities by private companies or groups.

Key features of a black operation are that it's secret and not attributable to the organisation carrying it out.

Oh, so they could feasibly employ black ops.

It could be just Bish's people.

Well, it says here, such operations are known to have been carried out by the FBI, CIA, MI6.

Oh my God.

And Bish Hersalon.

And Bish Hersselon.

Fuck.

So now they're in captivity.

What's going to happen?

Two chapters to go.

It's all to play for.

It's anybody's game.

Okay, so come back next week.

And in the meantime, get in touch.

My dadrotaporno at gmail.com for your longer theories.

Twitter at dadrotaporno.

Instagram, if you like the pictures, at my dadrota.

Or on Facebook.

And also, don't forget, we're going on tour.

We're going all over the world.

It's Belinda's 30th birthday.

If she survives.

Oh my God, that's the point.

You can't celebrate your birthday for your dad.

It's a brand new chapter from Rocky.

It's going to be a wild night.

And you can get your tickets now at mydrotaporno.com forward slash live.

Just saying a lot of venues sold out, so get on it.

Yeah, right, okay.

Um, guys, you're gonna have to go.

I'm off to bed.

Actually, before you leave, could you just help me turn my four singles into one giant double?

I have brought my travel spanner and his cake fork.