S5E10 - 'Star Crossed Lovin''

We get it.

It's more important than ever to get the most out of your money.

Options are key.

Options like Lyft, where you get great rewards, especially with partners like Dash Pass by DoorDash.

If you're a Dash Pass member, just link your DoorDash account and you'll get 5% off on-demand rides, 10% off scheduled rides to the airport, plus two free priority pickup upgrades every month.

New to Dash Pass?

To sign up for a three-month free trial, check Lyft.

Terms apply.

Coach, the energy out there felt different.

What changed for the team today?

It was the new game day, Scratchers, from the California Lottery.

Play is everything.

Those games sent the team's energy through the roof.

Are you saying it was the off-field play that made the difference on the field?

Hey, a little play makes your day, and today it made the game.

That's all for now.

Coach, one more question.

Play the new Los Angeles Chargers, San Francisco 49ers, and Los Angeles Rams Scratchers from the California Lottery.

A little play can make your day.

Please play responsibly.

Must be 18 years or older to purchase, play, or claim.

The following podcast contains adult themes, sexual content, and strong language.

Basically, all the good stuff.

Hello, everybody, and welcome to My Dad Wrote a Porno.

Alice and James, how are you both?

It's chapter 10.

We're nearing the end of this.

again.

We do indeed.

We're on the home straight.

That's why I'm excited today.

When you say the home straight, we are going to miss this.

Come chapter 13.

Well, you two will.

I'm not sure I will.

And who knows, once we're in Australia, we might really start to enjoy ourselves.

It's nice to have a holiday.

Get a tan.

On vacay.

Well, we're going to be in Australia ourselves come January, very soon, in fact, for our tour.

We start there.

And we're going in the summer this time, which will be lovely.

Yeah, so January there.

And then the next bit of the tour is New Zealand.

Then America.

Don't know if I've mentioned but we're playing Radio City Music Hall.

Are your family coming to that?

Yes, I think I think

I can't keep my mom away.

Yeah,

yes, everyone's coming.

Well that's six seats filled.

Oh few, okay, great.

A lot of my friends are coming.

It's gonna be quite a raucous night I think.

Yeah I don't know that I invited my parents per se.

No, I'm joking.

They are totally invited and if they pay full whack for the tickets how can I stop them?

Then the UK we're playing all over the UK.

A little run at the London Palladium, don't mind if we do.

Jamie treading the boards once again.

Will you be backstage or front of house?

I will flip between the two.

Yeah.

You'll be probably writing a small one-man piece.

Sonnets, yes.

Bestage, yeah.

And Europe, of course.

Yeah, it's going to be really, really fun.

So please do get your tickets if you fancy seeing us chat all things Belinda's 30th birthday on stage.

You can see this waffle live in front of your very eyes.

This, but flabbier?

Yes, please.

If you want to get tickets, you can go to mydadrotaporno.com forward slash live.

You can indeed.

Okay, so we've been in the air.

Hazel and Belinda in the cock pit.

In the literal pit of cock pit.

Yeah,

the most unlikely of meetings.

It's almost as if it was crowbarred in just to get Hazel back into the book somehow, isn't it?

Well, she is a firm favourite with, you know, nobody, so good to see her back.

Yeah, the amount of times people stop me and say, oh, Hazel, lovely.

When will she return?

Who wants to know the chapter title of this one then?

Me, me, me, me.

Star-crossed loving.

Oh, okay.

A little Shakespeare novel.

Homage, yeah.

As we know, Rocky prides himself on having been compared to Shakespeare by Michael Sheen.

He identifies himself as Shakespeare, I think, these days.

He thinks of himself as a modern bard.

Maybe, you know, they were flying at like 70,000 feet.

Maybe this is loving literally in the stars because they're so fucking high up.

Oh my god, and these books go to space.

Nothing would surprise me at this point.

Is your dad, like, I mean, is he into things like science?

Well, he was a geologist, of course.

So actually, he is quite technically minded.

Is he a geologist?

But he doesn't know about high, he just knows about low.

Yeah, very much deep into the core of the Earth.

Yes, magma is his friend.

Not so much the stars.

Was he a qualified geologist, though?

That's what I'm trying to get at you.

Yeah, yeah.

Well, he's got like a...

He's got a degree in it.

He's got a certificate.

He has.

He's got a degree in it.

Yeah.

I forget this.

From a very, very good university as well.

Which one?

I couldn't possibly say.

Sheffield.

They've distanced themselves from the course, from the lecturer, and from the student.

You know that he went to the same school as the Duke of Wellington.

Have we talked about this?

No.

I mean, obviously not at the same time, but the Duke of Wellington went to my dad's school.

Who told you this?

Him?

Yes.

Well, let's fact check that out.

I think it's a target.

It's a title, Tale Jamie.

He does like to say that he's now the most famous ex-student, including the Duke of Wellington.

Not true.

So is the Duke of Wellington a geologist?

No, no, this is his school.

School, right.

School, yes.

Oh, he's like secondary school?

Yeah, in Ireland, yeah.

Oh, not the uni.

Yeah.

That's even better.

Yeah, I'm sure many, many famous people went to Sheffield University.

Do you have any famous people at your school?

Oh, yeah, I do, actually.

Do you know the designer Sir Paul Smith?

Yes.

He went to your school.

Went to my school when I was.

When you last got one when it was a boys' school.

I didn't go when it was a boys' school.

What about you, Jane?

No one, really.

Who?

No, no one.

Who?

Who?

No, honestly, no one.

No, but who is this?

There was someone that once won a reality show.

She was a few years below me, but we've never crossed paths in real life.

It's the biggest.

Okay, Danielle Hope.

Who?

Who?

There you go.

Thank you.

Moving on.

Oh, James.

No, I don't know who Danielle Hope is.

She's a West End star.

Fabulous Western star.

Very good singer.

Yes.

All right, what is this?

The gathering of the Danielle Hope Bangladesh.

Yes, welcome.

Nobody famous will have gone to James's school.

No, like some cricketer I've never heard of.

I think that's the best.

We've never heard of you either.

Why?

Sorry, how did we get onto this from the Duke of Wellington?

How do we get onto this from porn?

How do we ever get onto anything, guys?

Right, okay, so chapter 10.

Are you ready let's get onto it okay saddle up because we're going to the stars oh my god belinda blinked five chapter 10 star-crossed loving

in her sydney hotel suite thank god for that we've landed i thought we'd be at passport control Belinda was lying naked on her bed.

Can I just say, I actually do love doing that.

You You know, when you get into a hotel and you just like, just strip off.

No.

Okay.

Yeah, I do.

After a long flight or something, you just like get it all out.

Not just lie there naked on the bed sheets.

Well, yeah.

On the bed, not in the bed.

Not in the bed, on the bed.

And wander around.

Yeah, I wander around.

Oh, fabulous.

Lock the door.

Oh, I do lock the door.

Have you ever had it when housekeeping of colouring?

Oh, I've had it.

I'm in the toilet.

But also, I don't know why I don't just go, not right now.

You know, it's fine to just go, in the middle of something.

Full panel.

But it's actually like, oh, sorry.

Um, I just got nothing more.

Somebody has died in here.

Give me five.

She always thought better when naked.

It was just one of her many particular traits which made her so ruthlessly successful.

Well, I would say that's actually an impediment if she thinks best naked, because most of the time you're clothed, aren't you?

Yeah, not great for a brainstorm at work.

Except at steals.

Except at steels, okay.

Belinda flicked and brushed her moister than most crotch, feeling every micro-bump of her fingerprint ridges on her clit.

Sorry.

Is that like female masturbation?

I think it may well be.

Or just masturbation.

Yeah, why is it gendered?

Well, it's not male masturbation, is it?

Lady masturbation occurring.

She's got fingerprint ridges.

Yeah, so I guess your fingerprints have ridges?

Yeah, but they're not that deep that you'd feel it on your clit.

She's got a very sensitive clit, James.

You never know.

Needless to mention, she was glad-filled to the max.

Oh, yes, not a phrase.

Oh, guys,

we are breaking with precedent here.

After a lengthy shower,

she's actually washing her body.

It's a long flight.

You feel filthy after that flight.

That's two showers in one book.

Yeah, but I think the other one doesn't count because she was having sex in the shower.

This is, well, for all we know, just a shower.

Jamie, let's just be glad when she gets near water.

Okay.

After a lengthy shower with both gel and two for the feel of one conditioner.

It's not for the feel.

It's not for the feel.

But it kind of is.

But does he think it's like double conditioner?

Yeah, it's just that we're adding conditioner.

Two for the feel of one conditioner.

There's just conditioner in it.

I just use shower gel myself.

For your hair?

Yeah, I don't bother with like separate.

Dude,

that's very bad, James.

Very bad.

Is it?

That's stripping it of his natural moisture.

It's a one pound shower gel from the shop.

It's always a pound.

Whatever.

I just use it wherever it's needed.

Someone told me the other day, actually, that it's bad to wash your penis with with just regular shower gel.

Is that true?

Because of pH.

I don't know.

Yeah, they were just like, they were quite shocked when I said, oh yeah, just wash my body with shower gel.

What chats are you having in the pub?

But wait, would you have a jar in the shower that's, you know what I mean?

Like a tub, jar, or whatever, bottle that says like live yeast extract.

Penis soap.

Yeah, well, I've never seen penis soap in the shop, so I don't know what he's washing it with.

The only thing that I've almost seen across the board in every boy's shower at some point is that caffeine shampoo that's supposed to make your hair grow?

I feel like all boys have like a tiny bit of paranoia about their hair thinning, and so they all have this like intense caffeine shampoo.

My stepdad has that.

Yeah.

My friend who's got quite a bad hairline has just the other day decided to go fuck it and he's shaved it all off and he's going bald from now on.

Oh my God.

Yes to that, I think.

Good for him.

I think if it stresses you out.

Yeah, yeah, true.

Just a bit of a shock, isn't it?

To see someone so young, so bald.

But then do the curtains match the drapes?

Do you have to just go full bald?

Well, he's got a very big beard now, so I'm like, it's just kind of like his head's reversed.

Right, okay.

So, yeah, clean your dicks, everyone, gently.

Maybe people were shocked because you were using one of those ones with pearls.

Well, I said that.

Yeah, let's not get kind of

gricked on.

It's not good for the environment, guys.

Really?

It's like plastic, basically, isn't it?

Oh, is it?

Microbeads, micro beads.

Bad for the earth, bad for your girth.

Precisely, as they do say.

So, after a lengthy shower with both gel and two for the feel of one conditioner, she was ready to tie herself into her don't fuck with me i'm a business bitch all in one leather dress

all in one leather dress and she's been tied into it there's a lot going on there yeah because dresses usually are in one piece um but this one's all in one but you don't get tied into them normally do you once safely harnessed in she collected her snakeskin briefcase and left her hotel room for an office somewhere in Sydney.

Shout out to the briefcase.

The briefcase is bad.

Was it snakeskin though?

No, I think this is an upgrade.

And also, would you wear that with a lace-up leather dress?

She's asking to have red paint thrown over, isn't it?

She's really as Peter and not going to be pleased.

A ferry ride later, Belinda was in the office of Cosmo Macaroon's agent.

Which one's Cosmo Macaroon again?

He was the chef.

Yeah, the TV agent.

Oh, of course he was.

Cosmo Macaroon.

On the telly.

I loved Cosmo Macaroon.

Really efficient of her, though.

She saw him on telly probably about 48 hours ago.

She's got a meeting.

It's in the diary.

She's great.

Bear in mind the time difference as well.

Oh, yeah.

So she's been travelling for 24 of those hours.

She is.

She's a sight to behold.

She is a bad business bitch.

So, a ferry ride later, Belinda was in the office of Cosmo Macaroon's agent, Cornelius Kettle.

Oh, shut up.

I've only got so much patience.

Cornelius Kettle.

Is it a kid's book now?

It's actually my granddad's name, awkwardly.

Cornelius Kettle.

Cornelius Kettle.

Well, no, just

Cornelius.

Mine's the kettle.

I thought we would have heard about him.

Here, he growled as he passed her a glass of red liquid.

Do you like pomegranate juice?

Oh, hang on.

You know what's happening here?

It's that little nod.

Do you think because you wrote this, post-series one beginning?

Yeah, yeah.

We always wondered if we would get in this book a few little best ofs, a few little fan favourites.

Great great as it's i'm just waiting for you two to turn up in the books

but linda became friends with alice and james no thank you um to give rocky credit where it's due that is quite a subtle nod to it is a little easter egg there yeah so i'd almost give him credit if it wasn't in the same sentence as cornelius kettle

he has to ruin it for himself doesn't he so do you like pomegranate juice What do you want?

Cosmo.

So no answer instead.

Pomegranate juice off of it.

I assume she shook her head.

Rhetorical.

What do you want?

Cosmo's already said he's not doing another series of dance in the sky with the superstars.

Dance in the sky with the superstars.

Let's just discuss what the format of that show is.

It's not dancing on ice.

It's not strictly come dancing.

It's not dancing with the stars.

We presume you're dancing in the air.

You are held in the air, probably on some sort of harness.

Suspended at 70,000 feet.

70,000 feet on a crane.

And they are all superstars.

We're talking Meryl Streep, The Rock, and it's I love that those are the biggest stars Jamie could think of.

Meryl Streep and the Rock.

And is this, I presume the opening song is Lucy in the Sky with Diamonds.

Yeah, but with the words dance in the sky with superstars, obviously.

So how would that go?

Dance in the sky with superstars.

It really works.

It actually does.

But as Jamie says, they have to be superstars, top-notch talent.

And also it says he's not doing another series, which implies that Cosmo Macaroon's done the series before.

And what is he doing catering it or taking part in it?

Because I would say that he's not a global sensation.

Well maybe he's one of the professional dancers or he's the Wolfgang puck.

You know, like at the Oscars, Wolfgang Puck just does all the food and walks the red carpet to show off.

No, I have no idea what you're talking about.

Okay, good.

We get it.

It's more important than ever to get the most out of your money.

Options are key.

Options like Lyft, where you get great rewards, especially with partners like Dash Pass by DoorDash.

If you're a Dash Pass member, just link your DoorDash account and you'll get 5% off on-demand rides, 10% off scheduled scheduled rides to the airport, plus two free priority pickup upgrades every month.

New to Dash Pass?

To sign up for a three-month free trial, check Lyft.

Terms apply.

Coach, the energy out there felt different.

What changed for the team today?

It was the new game day scratchers from the California lottery.

Play is everything.

Those games sent the team's energy through the roof.

Are you saying it was the off-field play that made the difference on the field?

Hey, a little play makes your day, and today, it made the game.

That's all for now.

Coach, one more question.

Play the new Los Angeles Chargers, San Francisco 49ers, and Los Angeles Rams Scratchers from the California Lottery.

A little play can make your day.

Please play responsibly.

Must be 18 years or older to purchase, play, or claim.

Oh, Cornelius Kettle.

I love your direct style, but you don't understand.

I work for steel's pots and pans, and I want to supply Cosmo's teleshow.

Okay.

Was she not clear about that in her email?

Who did he think she was?

Yeah, that's so true.

The producer of Dance in the Sky with Silver Stars.

Dance in the Sky with the Silver Stars.

I feel like her opening Gamber emails must just be like, I'll be at your office at 4 p.m.

Love Belinda.

Like, I don't think there's anything more to it.

But that's quite clever of her, though, isn't it?

To kind of decide to be the official pots and pans of that massive TV show.

I mean, yeah.

I mean, it's quite an obvious collaboration, but sure.

Well, she's never seen Telly before, had she?

She's never seen Telly before, but it's just a basic product placement deal, isn't it?

It's nothing like wildly imaginative.

I also feel like going all the way to Australia on what is essentially a cold call

bold.

Yeah.

Another expense that Steels probably doesn't need at this time since they've just had their offices bombed.

And how many is she going to give to Cornelius and Cosmo?

She's going to give like £10,000, isn't she?

For like one mention.

Oh, they won't even mention it.

It'll just be on screen.

So nobody will even know where they're from.

Like you glance at the pan and go, is that a steels?

I would look at a Le Cruze and say, oh, it's a Le Cruze, to be fair.

That's because they've done a good job at brand recognition.

No one knows what Steels is.

Yeah, but we don't know how iconic the Oxybrillo range is.

It might have a really jazzy kind of, you know, shape.

Jazzy shape.

Jazzy shape.

Like what?

What shape is that?

Square.

Square pan.

Maybe, I don't know.

Like the rim goes really high and low, so stuff just spills out of it or something.

Bad steel.

Something like an Art Deco Gowdy kind of pan.

Completely ineffective, but you you know what it is.

Cornelius leant backwards into his taupe swivel chair.

Can we take bets on whether Belinda's gonna fuck Cornelius Kettle?

Well, do we need to take bets?

Aren't we all gonna bet yes?

Yeah, it's not really how betting works, isn't it?

Pushed back, crossed his long athletic legs and flicked his blonde hair upwards.

His presentation completed.

That was his presentation.

I'm sorry, Miss Belinda, but but we start filming series 324 this very afternoon.

Is there one episode of a series?

There's no time to complete any order.

Hope you understand.

How does he know?

He doesn't work for Steels.

How is he deciding how long it takes for the order to be processed?

When do they start filming?

Today.

This afternoon.

What incredible timing.

You literally get it in this afternoon.

She's an idiot.

This woman's an idiot.

Also, why is he taking meetings today?

This feels like quite a big day.

Why is he offering strange women pomegranate juice?

I'll buy series 324.

You stop caring.

Do you know what I mean?

He's just cashing that check.

Oh, oh, oh, really?

said Belinda, with the entertainment value of a week at Sandy Balls.

I'm sorry, what?

Where's that?

Sandy Balls.

Sandy Balls.

Okay, right.

What is that?

This is niche.

So when we were kids.

James, you sounded like you knew.

I do know this company.

You told me about this before.

So when we were kids, the parentals were like, right, we're gonna go for like a week away so we thought centre parks oasis any of the go-tos hoe seasons that would be very appropriate for billing it really would um no we rocked up at sandy balls uh with

just kind of like a centre parks no you didn't no we know we really did sandy balls is real yeah is it yeah it's real

well i don't know if it's still around but it was around no no no it is it is i saw adverts for it on the tube like last year or something no there you go did rocky find the card in a kind of disused telephone box where How did he find out about it?

So weird, right?

But it was actually a really nice place.

But just, what a name.

Is it deliberately a bit silly?

Um, it wasn't knowing at the time.

Well, I mean, I was so little, I don't really know, but maybe it was kind of a bit of a II.

Is it a chain of Sandy Balls?

I think there's only one Sandy Ball.

There's only one Sandy Ball.

There's only one Sandy Ball.

So she's like, oh, oh, really?

Oh, no, she said it with all the entertainment value of a week at Sandy Ball.

Is that a lot of entertainment value?

Very, very well done, all the entertainment.

What c what sort of things are we talking about?

Cabaret nights.

Cabaret nights.

You know, paints.

Paints.

Paints.

Wow.

Paints.

Oh my goodness.

Cabaret nights, we had paints.

Tonight, ladies and gentlemen, paints.

All the paints you can imagine.

We've got red, we've got blue, and ladies and gentlemen, we've got green.

We've got canvas.

No, you bring the canvas, we'll bring the paint.

No,

we painted plates.

That's worse.

I like the sound of paints night.

I imagine they just showed you.

I like to think they had a series of tins of wall paint and then they'd open them and go, oh, there's a pink one.

Guess the colour, guess the colour, guess the colour.

It's called Midnight Express.

What colour, ladies and gents?

That's got to be a blue.

It's got to be a blue.

Do you know what?

It was a blue.

I did so well at paint.

Oh, God.

It's like a bingo card that you put in the sample and you have to get them all.

And all the Flintstones are like, oh, what a great paints night.

Oh my god, just went back every year for paints,

guys.

What is this?

Oh, acrylic.

It's acrylic.

It's acrylic.

You guessed it.

It was eggshell.

Sorry, everyone.

My name's Matt.

Just a little joke.

My name's Matt, and this has been Paints.

I think we've really struck on something.

It's the glossiest night at Sunday Morning.

Oh my god.

So that was an interesting tangent.

Okay, so she says, oh really?

said Belinda, with the entertainment value of a week at Sandy Balls.

She stood, clicked her fingerbuds twice,

and her whole dress fell to the ground.

It was laced up super tight.

It was.

So the dress is click operated.

Yes, but by finger buds alone.

Yes, exactly.

And it just falls off.

So she clicked her fingerbuds twice and her whole dress fell to the ground.

It revealed only her body.

But not just her body.

So not only her body.

She was wearing nothing but pot and pan lids covering her nips and very own lids.

People will be so happy about this.

They send us this sort of thing all the time, don't they?

How does she fit them under the dress?

How are they fixed?

She thinks this is going to sell at the 11th hour.

Look here, Mr.

Agent Man.

Oxy, Brillo, range, range, range.

She is demented.

This woman is not all there.

She's got jet lag in a really unusual way.

She chanted as she shaked her bits, bobs, and boobs.

We're not even talking about the past participle of shake.

I can't even go there.

Shaked.

Shook, dad.

Shook.

After her performance, her lips were smiling.

Which ones?

But Cornelius Kettle simply said, No,

get out.

Oh, crikey.

Belinda was flummoxed.

She'd never experienced a thing like this.

Rejection.

What was this?

After being forcibly removed from the office, she wasn't.

With the lids in place or not.

Could you imagine?

I will not leave here until I get my order.

I'm a bad bitch of business.

What was she thinking?

Oh, if I jiggle my bits with some.

Well, it does usually work.

No, no, it does.

It works every time.

It's worked with everybody from international businessmen to down on their luck drama teachers.

Everybody.

This doesn't work down under.

They've got a different work ethic, clearly.

So after being forcibly removed from the office block, Belinda knew one thing and one thing only.

Plan B, it had to be.

If that wasn't plan B, I dread to think what she's cooking up next.

Lots of time and effort went into that plan.

Plan B, it had to be.

And plan B meant Bella.

Is that what the B stands for?

We presume so.

The duo met in the bar atop the Shangri-La Hotel.

Switzerland.

We should go and pay homage when we go.

Oh, yeah.

We'll be there in January.

Poured their Australian Chardonnay and hatched their Plan B.

Oh, they haven't planned Plan B.

No, they're hatching it now.

My shots, time for plan B.

I don't know what it is.

Bella was jet lagged to buggery.

So was tucking into her all-day breakfast lasagna.

All-day breakfast lasagna.

What the hell's in that?

Sausage, egg, egg, beans.

Like a full English.

All that between loads of pasta

and a bechamel.

Oh don't.

Top with a root.

Bella was jet light to buggery so was tucking into her all-day breakfast lasagna with fervor.

Sorry, that's that's really just hit me the all-day breakfast lasagna.

At the Shangri-La as well, that's libelous.

Belinda needed only the sustenance of a good strong cock to get her through the time zone lurgy.

But Bella, she ate and ate well.

I've never heard the phrase time zone lurgy

I've got the time zone lurgy guys also it's a cure of the time zone lurgy just to eat as much as possible it's weird you say that because you're not supposed to eat to avoid jet lag on the plane are you they they say just don't eat on the plane thank god this is an all-day breakfast lasagna because it'll you can eat it it's all day

it's a jet lag lasagna it's a time zone lurgy it's a time zone lurgy lasagna

Now, I know you're a fan, Bella, but do you have an inn with Mr.

Makaroo himself?

Sorry, does nobody have an inn?

And we're here.

Well, she did meet his agent.

That's quite a good inn, to be fair.

The agent just rejected her out of hand.

And also didn't know why she was there.

Yes, Belinda, she said, through layered clumps of egg, sausage, beans, black pud, and bechamel sauce.

I mean, I was almost entirely right, and it's 10 times worse than I could have imagined.

I actually don't, I'm not a no to an all-day breakfast lasagna.

Really?

I'd try it.

Why not?

It doesn't sound disgusting.

As fusion food goes.

What a combo.

I'm chairwoman of the official Cosmo Macaroon fan site.

Not a thing.

Then you're getting nowhere near him, if he's got any sense.

True.

You're not.

This is fictitious rumourville, Bella.

Squealed Belinda.

Wait, did Belinda even know who he was to Bella?

So why is she excited about any of this?

I just love the idea that Bella's got time to be the chairwoman of a fan club.

I mean, it's so 90s.

For an obscure Australian chair.

God, I wonder how the fan club got on while she was in that coma.

Who was sending the newsletter?

Sweet Jesus, it doesn't bear thinking about it.

It doesn't bear thinking about.

They pay £5 a year for that fan club.

Oh, my God.

Do you think memberships dropped below £12?

So, Belinda's like, this is fictitious rumour, Vilbella.

It's not.

And with that, Bella produced her modern mobile device and brought up FacePage.

Stop it.

FacePage.

Stop it.

Don't.

Rocky, next.

Sorry, this is a message for Rocky.

Hi, Rocky.

It's just Alice.

Next time I see you.

Hey, have a bunch of pig with you.

You're naughty, Rocky.

You're naughty.

In recent times, the concern with legal intervention has become one of my favourite things.

My giddy norces, Belinda exclaimed when she saw that Bella had exclusive access to Cosmo Macaroon's official FacePage account.

No, she doesn't.

She runs the fan account.

Of course she doesn't have access to his face page.

Stop it don't say face page.

What it is.

She's going down the ramp.

Oh Alice.

Okay fine.

Get this out but this is bullshit obviously.

What does this mean?

Yeah.

That is the crucial question.

That sentence could really sum up the entirety of the Belinda Blink song.

And that's the end of the chapter.

What does it all mean?

It means I can get us into his recording tonight.

No, again, even if you had access to his face page, and she doesn't,

then that that wouldn't get you into the recording, would it?

Categorically not.

No.

The bestest, best girls in the southern hemisphere charged their glasses and downed their bottle, excited for the future of the night.

Too many hours to count later, the two B's and their Plan B arrived at the broadcast television studio complex.

Never been near.

a television studio in his life.

I can't wait to hear what he thinks it's like.

Belinda's boobies took care care of the security helper man

and they soon took him out.

Knocked him right out.

And they soon found themselves inside the fake kitchen Bella had wet-dreamed of for over 3,650 days.

Can we find out how long that is?

Because I feel like he's plucked that number out the air.

It's quite obvious how long that is.

Oh, yes.

That would be 10 years, James.

Oh, God!

You got me, Rocky.

You got me good.

Belinda looked cruelly at the bish kitchenware on display all around them.

So Bish supplies Cosmo's show.

Not for long, if Belinda's got anything to do with it.

It was so unfair that horrid lot from East Berlin had worldwide rights to the Cooking with Cosmo show.

Sorry, sorry.

Is this her secret mission?

I thought she was supposed to be getting Giselle and George, but she's faffing around in a TV studio trying to swap out a couple of pots for fans.

But also, what do you mean they have worldwide rights?

What are you talking about?

No, that's a good deal.

But also,

that's a good deal.

They've got worldwide product placement rights for Cosmo.

What's his name?

Cooking with Cosmo.

Cooking with Cosmo.

James, what are you talking about?

I also feel like there are other cooking shows.

Why has this only just occurred to them that this is a good route?

We've got, like, Jamie Oliver in the UK and stuff like that.

Why didn't Delia Smith?

Why didn't she get?

Delia Smith.

Nigella.

Nigella.

Thank you.

Much better.

Like, Delia Smith.

Gordon Ramsey, he's big.

Yeah, but yeah, why didn't she just do a show in the UK and get the worldwide rights there?

Because that would scare dad because they're real people.

Oh, yeah, true.

Cosmo Condiant.

Cosmo.

Condiment is totally fine.

Also, I feel like Rocky just wanted to go to Australia, and this is his way of like going to Australia in his mind.

He's like, oh, Fancy a harlotay.

I'll write it in the books.

We get it.

It's more important than ever to get the most out of your money.

Options are key.

Options like Lyft, where you get great rewards, especially with partners like Dash Pass by DoorDash.

If you're a Dash Pass member, just link your DoorDash account and you'll get 5% off on-demand rides, 10% off scheduled rides to the airport, plus two free priority pickup upgrades every month.

New to Dash Pass?

To sign up for a three-month free trial, check Lyft.

Terms apply.

Coach, the energy out there felt different.

What changed for the team today?

It was the new game day scratchers from the California Lottery.

Play is everything.

Those games sent the team's energy through the roof.

Are you saying it was the off-field play that made the difference on the field?

Hey, a little play makes your day, and today it made the game.

That's all for now.

Coach, one more question.

Play the new Los Angeles Chargers, San Francisco 49ers, and Los Angeles Rams Scratchers from the California Lottery.

A little play can make your day.

Freeplay responsibly must be 18 years or older to purchase, play, or claim.

She spat in each pot pan casserole dish and griddle what kind of sabotage is this that'll show them not proudly but whatever

how did she get onto set

her baby boobies took care of that from the security helper man but there's more than the there's like the floor manager or the cameraman or the director yeah for some girl with juicy boobies going

i feel like she'd be out of there quite quick gobbing on everything

Not proudly, but whatever.

Then the girls nestled themselves into Cosmo Macaroon's dressing room, adorned with the stars.

I mean, Alice and I look at each other.

They spat in his pans and broke into his dressing room.

And no one's about to deny it.

They're going to get arrested.

They are going to get arrested.

They're going to get deported before they've even had time to get Giselle and George.

What are they doing?

James, don't.

It's not worth your tears.

It's not worth vein popping.

It's so ridiculous.

The time flew with a French kiss here and a buttock brush there.

But before not, oh, so long, Bella needed a wee-wee.

She excused herself, but just as she had left, the back door opened, and Cosmo Macaroon himself entered to his own special hideaway.

Bad timing, Bella.

Wasting no minute nor moment, Belinda presented herself to the cook.

How?

Which end?

It's just like legs akimbo on the floor.

Sunny side up.

Hello, Cosmo.

I'm a psycho in your dressing room.

How are you?

I'm a friend of the chairwoman of the Cosmo Power Club.

Don't mind me.

You don't know me.

I just salivated over all your pans.

How's the show?

My DNA is all over your set.

I love you.

Care to do business?

Hello, Cosmo.

Do I know you?

No.

Oh, God.

Piss off then.

Cosmo.

Belinda was bruised.

He seemed so nice on the one programme she watched that one time.

Great research.

She undid her zipper, revealing her thick cleavage.

Are you diff woman?

Everyone's very shrill, but also, I would say, quite rude in Australia so far.

Alice, he's walked into his own dressing room and there's a stranger in there.

But would you say, sorry, do I know you?

And they go, oh no.

And you go, oh, well, who are you?

You wouldn't go, piss off, would you?

I feel like there'd be a step between that.

Belinda was flummoxed once more.

What was with all these Aussie men?

Luckily for all, Bella was a quick pisser.

Cosmo!

Remember your brandy butter, baby bell?

Oh my God, get her out.

Get her out.

Brandy butter, baby bell.

Sorry, is that what she said?

A brandy butter, baby bell.

What the hell is a brandy butter baby bell?

Well, a baby bell is a mini cheese, and brandy butter is what you have on like Christmas desserts.

So a mini cheese doused in sweet, sweet brandy butter.

That sounds fucking awful.

Baby bells have that weird kind of wax on the outside of them as well.

So, wait, have they met before?

Remember your brandy butter, baby bell?

She chimed as the premier food preparer of prime time

turned round.

That's quite a nice little bit of illustration, isn't it?

It's quite good.

The premier food preparer of primetime.

Buxom Bella Ridley.

Oh, he knows.

What the hell is your body doing here?

Is the mailing list compromised?

I like that he's hands-on all the different parts of his business.

He cares.

He cares about the fans.

Is the mailing list compromised?

What would that even entail?

I don't know.

So they do know each other.

Is the mailing list compromised?

Not a phrase, by the way.

No,

but you're cocked about me.

Compromise.

Cosmo stripped Bella to her bare basics.

Oh, she's bare basic, all right.

Her tits were freed and her clit poked out between her lids like a shy mouse's nose.

That's one of my favourites in a while.

Cooee!

What's up, baby Bill?

Little burning-buttered cover beanie.

Oh, God, brilliant.

Her tits were freed and her clit clip poked out between her lids like a shy mouse's nose.

Just when you want to write him a strongly worded letter, he brings it back, doesn't he?

All is forgiven.

His own nose nuzzled it, and she felt fine.

Oh, that's feel completely fine.

Not so fast, cookie, said Belinda, as she stripped her nothing but her goose bumps of lust.

We want to change the pot.

We want to change the pots and pans.

We want to change the pots and pans you use on your show to the oxy brillo range from steels, pots, and pans.

Seal me, ladies, Cosmo said as he started fucking each vag at a time.

And one and two, and three and two.

Cocking one, cocking the other, cocking one.

They were fucking tightly and there were great slaps of flesh upon asphat.

The touch was pure and silky.

Esp when the sticky pre-come got involved.

And a brev of a specialist.

Yes.

So lazy.

He doesn't have time.

When the sticky pre-cumb got involved.

Oh, sticky pre-cumb.

You know what sticky pre-com is?

Of course I know what sticky pre-com.

Brandy butter.

It's nature's brandy butter.

Cosmo's head leaked a bit of him.

Oh, his

head.

Leaked a bit of him.

Slit of his dick's head.

Cosmo's head leaked a bit of him.

A kind of before the main event leaked.

We know what it is, yes, thank you.

It's like a teaser trailer.

Not dissimilar to a burst of yogurt in a poorly closed lunchbox.

Oh, okay, yeah, quite a bit.

We've all been there.

Enough semen to know he was excited, but not enough to ruin the sexual explosion to come.

We know what pre-come is, thank you, Rocky.

We want pre-come.

We want pre-come.

They're very good,

screamed Belinda, mid-bonk.

They're huff-puff, non-stick, huff-puff, environmentally nice,

puff, light to the touch, huff puff, and only

45 AUD dollars wholesale.

Huff puff, huff puff.

Huff puff.

Huff puff.

Do it again, do it again.

Interesting, this is how Belinda sells the octobillary.

My favourite is environmentally nice.

So they're very good, huff-puff.

They're huff-puff non-stick.

Stop what you're doing with your body!

They're huff-puff non-stick.

Huff-puff environmentally nice.

Huff-puff, light to the touch.

Huff-puff.

And only 45 AUD dollars wholesale.

The D stands for dollars.

You don't have to say AUD dollars.

Also, Jamie, you didn't stop what you were doing with your body.

Sorry.

If you imagine, like, maybe those images of 50s housewives who wear those A-line dresses and their hands.

So their arms are by their side, but their hands are completely horizontal, like doing a little...

But on the huff-puffy, like, thrust his pelvis.

Rhines, yeah.

Huff-puff.

Why don't you tell me get into character?

You see, she's huffing-puffing.

Huff-puff, huff-puff.

Belinda was enjoying the tryst.

But she was mad as a mongoose about the rudeness she'd encountered earlier.

What a weird way of voicing your displeasure at rudeness.

A huff-puff.

A huff-puff.

Of course, she'd met celebrities like him before and knew them oh so well on a mental level.

It was clear that Cosmo Macaroon was a man who would always fuck you in the asshole but never look you in the eye hole.

Look you in the eye.

Gush.

I don't like your dad saying fuck you in the arsehole, look you in the eye hole.

No.

I mean Belinda is a celebrity in herself, so you know she's used to these types of people.

I wouldn't say she's a celebrity.

Maybe not in her world but out here.

In her head she is.

You know those people that like superimpose themselves on the cover of Vogue and things and put them on the Facebook for their Facebook show.

Yeah, exactly.

So one of those.

This, Belinda reassured herself, was the lot of a well-known television cook.

Basically, you get dead famous, you become a bit of a dick.

I guess that's what dad's saying.

Right.

It really is a kind of a moral for our time, isn't it?

It will go to your head.

Being one of the biggest TV chefs in the world.

Yeah.

Hey girls half path

i think half path

that's so piercing when he does it you got a deal half path

so they've got it they've got

congratulations everyone you know

the rumpy pumpy was heavenly i thought it was half puffing

the huff puff rumpy pumpy was heavenly but they were in fact not alone oh wait they're not on set a thing's not gonna like like a curtain's not gonna open and they're in front of the studio audience.

From behind a big old camera crane, the sparklingly jealous and treacherous and dangerous eyeballs of Giselle Mars Charcova de Klots seared into their body parts.

I don't understand.

Why is she there?

On a crane cam.

She got a new life as a cameraman.

Then blinked.

I would be tense and

but I just don't understand.

Who blinked?

Giselle.

Giselle's eyeballs.

So she's undercover on the set of one of Australia's premier food shows.

And they just happen to be in the same location at the same time.

Well, you don't know, they just happen to be.

What?

You suggesting...

Maybe Giselle's out for revenge on those two.

And she's rocked up with a crane cam just in time.

We're talking about

a crane cam in a dressing room.

You'd see it, for sure.

Well.

No, don't weld geysers.

I don't care about well guys.

Answer our question.

You can weld geysers all you want.

That is the end.

That's the end of the chat.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

We know.

Half puff, good.

You can half and puff and blow my house down, but I'll still want to know where that bloody massive crane cam came from.

So Giselle's in the dressing room, which is probably quite a small room.

With a crane cam.

With a crane cam, spying on Bella.

This is quite serious, though.

Giselle has found Belinda and Bella before Belinda and Bella have found Giselle.

and she's looking treacherously, dangerously at them.

No, no one cares.

Wow, we care, we just don't understand.

Well, park that, you know, this is Belinda Blink, but you know, interesting, no, James, come on, you're normally really big on the story, sure, but this is quite baffling.

And one of Rocky's like, oh god, how do I get them all together again?

And then just kind of crashes every it.

I mean, it was literally the last sentence of the chapter, so he's obviously just gone, um, uh, Crane Cam in the dressing room.

I really wouldn't be surprised if Hazel crashes a plane into the dressing room.

It's one of those.

And George is Coco Chanela.

What's his name?

Cosmo the Cell

Cosmo the Clown or whatever.

Cosmo Macaroon.

Cosmo Macaroo.

Sorry, of course.

I should respect one of the most famous chefs in the world.

And his age and whatever, Penny Crayon turns out to be.

Who even knows Bill for Michael?

Well, that was great.

I really enjoyed that.

You did?

I can't say I did.

It's infuriating to the max.

You're very good at Australian accents as as well.

I mean, it's the same for every male character, but it's a good accent.

I thought it was a bit different for them both, actually.

No, no, no, no.

No, no, not different.

No, but impressively similar, yeah.

Okay.

Okay, I'll work on that for next time.

Thanks for the note.

So if you'd like to send an email, and I'm sure there'll be lots this week, people will be furious about numerous things.

My dad wrote a porno at gmail.com.

If you like pictures in that, we're on Instagram.

My dad wrote a.

Yeah, and on Twitter at dad wrote a porno and we're on Facebook as well.

Just look for my dad wrote a porno.

Right, okay.

Anyone fancy a breakfast, lasagna?

James, it's nighttime.

Yeah.

All-day breakfast.

Oh, then yes.

Extra black pudding, please.

You check your feed and your account.

You check the score and the restaurant reviews.

You check your hair and reflective surfaces and the world around you for recession indicators.

So you check all that, but you don't check to see what your ride options are.

In this economy, next time, check lift.

Coach, the energy out there felt different.

What changed for the team today?

It was the new game day scratchers from the California Lottery.

Play is everything.

Those games sent the team's energy through the roof.

Are you saying it was the off-field play that made the difference on the field?

Hey, a little play makes your day, and today it made the game.

That's all for now.

Coach, one more question.

Play the new Los Angeles Chargers, San Francisco 49ers, and Los Angeles Rams Scratchers from the California Lottery.

A little play can make your day.

Please play responsibly, must be 18 years or older to purchase, play, or claim.