Adventure Book Theatre: Goosebumps - The Knight in Screaming Armor

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This is a head gum podcast.

They made a book about a video game.

Game, game, game.

We made a podcast about that

book.

Welcome to Adventure Book Theater, everyone.

Oh,

a date in the theater.

Yes, theater.

Yes.

With an RE instead of an ER.

We're all up in the balcony box just screaming at the person reading a book on stage.

Yeah, that's humor.

Teeny tiny opera glasses.

Yes, slash Apit Book Club.

Welcome to Ape Book Club.

First time on the show, welcome, Jake Hurwitz.

Pleasure to be here.

Glad these schedules worked out.

I know my agents have been trying to hammer this through for five years.

Yeah, they've really put a lot of pressure on us.

Yeah, they actually haven't made it past my spam filter, but good luck to them.

Damn.

Yeah, no, I really have to get to one of the big three agencies.

I thought it was really strategic how you crashed into my car to make this meeting work.

Really cool stuff.

It's all about running.

Yeah.

Your agent did say that they were from one of the big 12 agencies, which I don't think there's that many.

I think that's college football.

Yeah, yeah.

Yeah.

Well, you're probably talking to my uncle-in-law.

Yeah, okay, who's your agent?

Yeah.

Who's my agency?

All right, everybody.

We are reading R.L.

Stein's Give Yourself Goosebumps.

Reader, Beware, You Choose the Scare.

The Knight in Screaming Armor.

You're like the Knight in Shining Armor.

Surely that's what you mean.

No, no, no, no.

The Knight in Screaming Armor.

This is a little sick and twisted.

Yeah.

Screaming in Ecstasy, probably.

Looks like

the Knight in Coming Armor.

Oh, the Knight in Coming Armor.

Yeah.

No, it's very, it has to be the gerund brewery.

No, no, the knight in cum armor.

You can't call it cum armor.

The knight in coming.

That's just so different.

That's so different.

That's so different.

I'm sorry for being crass, everyone.

If the armor comes, it's fine.

If the armor is come, it's not.

Sir, this is the theater.

Okay.

All right, I'm going to start reading it.

Yeah, beware.

Do not read this book from beginning to end.

Prepare yourself to meet the knight in screaming armor.

The knight in coming armor.

Your cousins are coming to visit you.

Oh, Akland.

Sorry.

You all fucking did this.

It's all your fault.

How could we know that they would use the word coming in the book?

Yeah, who would have thought?

And cousins.

They're bringing something with them.

A little surprise.

It's an old suit of armor from your uncle's collection.

Okay, wait, wait, wait.

What?

Sorry, they're visiting from the UK.

Yeah.

And they're bringing a suit of armor.

Yeah, they're checking the bag.

What is that?

What's hard to believe?

You have to ship that on a boat.

I don't think you can fly a suit of armor.

I was going to say, this was the 90s, guys.

I think you're a

There's still a pound limit to checked armor.

And they paid it.

Oh, actually, you know what?

They do it.

You can pay it.

Actually, if you treat the suit of armor like a passenger, you buy it a seat and then you just prop it up.

I think that's fine.

That's great.

You could also go through the carpool.

It's going to set off a metal damage.

Okay, cool.

We're three sentences in.

It has a really cool battle axe and a shield, and it has something else, too.

Orders to destroy you.

You see, there is an ancient curse that was placed upon your family, and the knight is here to deliver it.

And that's what Oh my god, on our 37th birthday?

37th birthday volunteers.

That's when the curse is hatched.

A ghastly looking gardener with three heads, mud-slinging monsters made of goo, made of cum, and some very nasty sheep are all headed your way.

This scary adventure is all about you.

You decide what will happen and you decide how terrifying the scares will be.

Start on page one.

We know.

If you make the right choices, you will defeat the knight in screaming armor and escape its horrible curse.

If you make the wrong choice, beware.

So take a deep breath, cross your fingers, and turn to page one to give yourself goosebumps.

Hey, give yourself goosebumps.

It's liberating.

Yeah.

Okay.

Pip hip, ta-ta, jolly good, telly-hoe, and all that rot, your dad exclaims.

Dad, you plead.

Can you do this?

Can you try to do that more, British?

Pip hip, ta-ta, jolly good.

So this is the exact, they're making fun of the dad in the 90s for doing this that you're making me do.

Don't make me be an iPhone 90s dad.

I was asking asking you to perform it more.

Yeah.

Oh, you're asking me to not do a shit.

I don't know if we need to make fun of dads doing funny voices for their kids.

I don't know if that's where we're going to go with this.

I don't even know if that's that funny.

So sorry.

He apologizes in his best British accents.

We just want your cousins to feel quite at home now, don't we?

It's not every day.

We have visitors from England.

It's been over a year since we've seen them.

Jolly good.

Todd Todd, Pip Pip, your dad says again.

This rocks.

Yeah.

That's so fucking funny.

May I ask a question?

And I'm sure some of our audience knows.

What does pip pip mean?

Oh.

Well, the audience.

Okay.

Are you asking the audience or us?

What are we supposed to do with that?

Should we stop recording?

Yes.

This isn't being live.

We release this much of the episode.

If you're listening at home, just jot it down.

Write it on a little note.

Release the episode.

Do not use a bit of the song.

You want to know.

You want to know what?

If you have an answer, don't actually comment below write it on a piece of paper and flush it down the toilet and that's the direct passage to my brain

yeah um through the plumbing ideally yes your mom adds your uncle will is giving lectures at several important american museums so kip and abby will be staying with us for a whole week isn't that terrific you only half agree kip saxton is your age sometimes he complains too much but mostly 37 he's a pretty cool kid oh yeah he's 30 wait how much is he he's uh is he your age okay so he's your age he's 37.

wow but mostly he's a pretty cool cool guy.

His, okay, 15-year-old sister is another story.

So she's older.

His 41-year-old sister.

That's an age gap.

Wait, what?

Two siblings?

Yeah.

Oh, four years?

No, 37 and 15.

And 15.

Oh, no.

I changed it to 41.

We're aging them up because this is the theater.

Yeah, because this is the theater.

It's very mature.

Abby acts like she's queen of the world, you say.

She can be a royal pain.

Oh, you'll have fun, your dad assures you.

Uncle Will says Kip and Abby are bringing a big surprise with them.

A surprise, you ask?

What surprise?

Go to page two.

Gee, thanks right now.

Tell me how books work.

Oh my God.

Is he bringing Jaffa cakes?

My favorite British treat?

Okay.

Oh, my God.

There's so much shit.

Okay, they show up.

They're here.

You haven't changed a bit, your mom declares as she hugs Abby and Kip.

I hope that's not true, you mutter.

Your tall, blonde cousin is already staring past you and into the mirror behind you.

Hi, you manage to say to her.

Abby primps her long, golden curls before she answers.

Oh, hi, she says as she pats her hair.

So Abby, she's 41.

She's peaking.

Classic self-involved 41-year-old.

Freshly divorced.

So freshly divorced.

She just bleached her hair blonde for the first time.

She's talking to you about intermittent fasting.

Yeah, she's talking about giving yourself goosebumps.

Yeah.

Reclaiming your past.

Still the same old Abby, you have to admit.

Forget her, someone says, laughing.

It's Kip.

Kip is still 37.

And still married, actually.

Still married, but they're on their own.

He's here without his wife

from England.

And he brought a suit of armor.

That's the choice between the suit of armor and his wife.

They can't play for three seats.

Okay, forget her, someone says, laughing.

It's Kip.

Can you give me a hand?

We've got some stuff to bring in.

Well, Kip would have a British accent, right?

No, actually.

Really?

He's from England.

Yeah, but he's 37.

Yeah, but he's traveled the world.

He actually was

born here, and then at 32, he moved to the UK.

Yeah, they were born in Dallas.

Yeah.

Wow.

To get away from his wife.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Your sandy-haired cousin moves back out onto the front step and points to two huge wooden crates.

The crates are taller than your dad.

The tallest thing anyone can be.

My dad is nine feet tall.

Let's make sure to tell our dad that.

Yeah.

He's going to really like that.

The crate is taller than you, dad.

What the?

You start to say.

Artifacts, your dad chimes in.

Uncle Will is coming here next week to lecture at the Medieval Museum downtown.

I told him we'd store some exhibits here until he arrives, but I never expected anything this big.

These crates will have to go in the garage.

They're taller than me, and I'm 5'8 ⁇ .

Which is perfectly average.

He's coming to lecture at the Ripley's, believe it or not.

Yeah, I thought they said the museums were prestigious.

Yeah.

What's in the crates anyway, you ask Kip.

Two suits of armor, Kip says.

That's what's in the crates.

They're really old from the 15th century.

We call one of them the Evil Knight.

It's been with the Saxton family forever.

The other suit was Sir Edmund Saxton's.

He's our great, great, great, great.

Well, you get the picture.

The crates are on wheels.

You're kind of lazy.

Sorry.

Just tell me how many graves.

Say how many graves.

Okay, yeah.

You're 37.

Yeah, you're 37.

You have

to notice.

That's when you get a real interest in the past and your family legacy.

You're ignoring that about yourself.

Yeah, actually, I think once the separation becomes official, that's when I think he'll be really getting into genealogy.

Yeah, you notice a label on one of the crates.

Hey, look at this.

You cry.

You read the label aloud.

Beware.

It's our 37th birthday and no one's acknowledging it.

Yeah, true.

It's tomorrow.

Beware, this dark and and evil night cursed still from long ago.

Until a good night fights for right, this night brings misery and woe.

Whoa, whoa.

That's kind of spooky, Ad.

No, don't read that out loud.

Kip cautions too late.

It's an evil curse in the whole Saxton family.

Kip, get off your phone, okay?

The separation will be there when we are ready.

I curse, you laugh.

You don't believe in curses, do you?

Sure, I do.

And so should you if you know what's good for you, Kip whispers.

My marriage was cursed.

Yeah.

I guess you've never heard the tale.

The tale?

Oh my God.

There's so much.

I want to hear the tale, though.

Okay, the tale.

What tale, you ask?

The legend of the curse of the knight in screaming armor, Kip answers.

Years ago, an evil sorceress got angry at the king's best knight, Sir Edmund Saxton.

You know, our ancestor?

She killed her favorite dragon or something.

Anyway, she put a curse on him.

Oh my god.

The curse of the knight in screaming armor.

Wow, spoilers for Skeldova, right?

Yeah, are you kidding me?

She made a special

armor and sent it to him as a gift.

The armor was haunted.

It held the spirit of an evil knight.

That night, horrible screams and cries were heard from Saxon's castle.

In the morning, Sir Edmund and all of his family had been killed.

Kip's eyes grow wide as he goes on.

All of his family was dead except one son.

He had been out hunting.

Anyway, he kept the armor.

He was too scared to throw it away.

The four of you arrive at the garage and your dad reaches down to open the armor.

This is that armor.

Family legend has it.

Oh, thanks.

Can we get the armor we were talking about?

Can we get a physical description of the sorceress?

Did you skim over that?

It feels like we could have really lingered there.

I feel like

I'll hand you the book and you give us the physical description of the sorceress.

Yeah.

Okay, according to the book, super hot.

Whoa, okay.

Oh, fuck.

I knew Emily, that's,

I knew Emily would really go in on the breast side.

Not a day over 39.

A crisp 39.

Wow.

You can tell is only getting crisper with each year.

Belly button piercing.

You can see the belly button piercing, pulsing out from underneath her sheer gown.

Damn, you pierced an Audi.

That's a baller.

Arches on her feet like a ballerina.

Like, whoa.

Wow.

Awesome.

Okay.

Kipside.

Sorry, that was all RL style.

That was all not a word.

That was R.

Stein.

Mine.

This is that armor.

Family Legend has Stein Not Mine.

Everyone, shut the fuck up.

Everyone's shot.

Stein not mine is pretty good.

Everyone?

Yeah.

Shut the fuck up.

This is that armor.

Family legend has it that one day it will wake up again thirsty for Saxon blood.

Then it will destroy all that is good unless a brave and noble Saxon can defeat it.

It has to be a member of the Saxon family.

Ha, you laugh.

I'm related to you, so I'm a Saxon.

What's an evil knight suit of armor got to do with me?

Get your answer.

Turn to page 96.

Okay.

No choice for you.

No choice.

Oh, we got choices coming up.

Here we go.

You can just forget that screaming armor story.

Abby snaps before a kid gets a chance to answer.

It's the intermittent fasting.

She hasn't eaten yet because it's not noon.

She's really cranky.

Yeah, her window is noon to eight.

Yeah.

Abby, have a seltzer or something.

Abby, have a baby carrot.

It's not going to hurt you.

It's totally stupid.

It's not even true.

But long after everyone has gone to sleep, you lie awake thinking about the crates in your garage.

Hours later, you've just dozed off when you are awakened by a chilling scream, and it's coming from the garage.

Yes.

Is it C-U-M-N?

The curse, you guys.

Yes, it is coming from the garage.

The armor is jizzing.

Damn, RL was wild in this.

Knight in jizzing armor.

Okay.

Yeah, I didn't see Stein going for those valerie patches.

If you try to ignore the cum, turn to page 13.

If you'd like to investigate the chilling cum, turn to page 19.

I don't like to investigate the

chilling cum.

We simply must.

Okay.

I'm turning to page 19.

Let's cruise to the splooge.

Yeah.

Okay.

Do we think it's that the armor contains the cum and doesn't stain it?

We'll find out.

Make it calm.

Oh, that's

another cum fills the night.

Kip and Abby are as wide awake as you are.

The piercing cums draw the three together.

Abby, you need to give up on intermittent fasting.

It's simply throwing off your hormones.

The piercing screams draw the three of you together at your bedside.

You grab each of your cousins by the hand.

We have to go out to the garage and investigate, you declare.

We have to find out what's out there.

Another cum pierces the air.

Abby forgets how much cooler than you she is for a moment and clutches one of your arms.

Kip grabs your other one.

You grab a flashlight from your desk and make your way out into the night.

You pull your cousins along behind you.

Eventually, you come to the garage door.

You pause a moment and listen to the jizzing.

Well, here goes, you say.

You reach down, grab the handle, and lift it open.

Turn to page 113.

We can handle this, guys.

Okay,

all right.

We have to put on a brave face.

Yeah, we know this.

This armor is not stopping jizzing.

Yeah.

The garage door swings open and out of your way.

Dark was never as dark as this.

Monsters seem to lurk in every corner.

Familiar forms look strange.

The beam of your flashlight cuts past the frightful shadowy figures to the two crates.

They stand like tombstones in the middle of the garage, except that one of them is vibrating, kicking back and forth.

It's coming.

It's coming so hard.

I think that a button got triggered.

Yeah.

What is this, Knight of the Living Cummies?

Stop.

What the hell?

I know.

I thought it was good.

What is Cummies off of?

That's the Knight of the Living Dummies.

It's another R.L.

Steinborn.

Jude, stop.

Whoa, that was so self-referenced.

Everyone in the theater is applauding wildly.

Yeah, Baudriard.

I got it.

I just thought it was too crass.

The light reflects off the jizz stained label on one of the crates.

Now that's a cum joke.

The one with the curse on it.

Then you notice another handwritten label near the top of each crate.

One says jizz night.

The other says good.

Which one should we open?

You say nervously.

Neither Kip replies.

He seems terrified.

Maybe a little too terrified.

You're not sure you buy all this cursed stuff.

Maybe it's all a big trick.

Kip and Abby could have gotten someone to shout and shake the crate around.

Who's really in that Jiznite crate anyway, you wonder?

Then again, those screams of ecstasy do sound pretty spooky.

Maybe you should play it safe and open the crate marked Good Knight.

Assune of Armor could come in handy if there is some crazy curse.

If you open the crate marked Good Knight, turn to page 33.

If you open the crate marked Jiznite, night, turn to page 49.

I was saying a night full of jizz is a good night.

Yeah,

I feel like we have to be the brave one here because Abby's fresh off a divorce and then Kip is in a trial separation and

we've never been in a relationship before.

Wow, 37, yeah.

It feels like we're the one who like has maybe faced the least hurt and so we have to be brave.

Here's the question.

Is that fear holding us back, though?

Because we're afraid to continue.

Right.

Yeah, is it fear or is it perfectionism?

Okay, because we're looking for the perfect sorceress with the perfect

arena, we're trying to find Mrs.

Perfect, and we can't find Mr.

Good enough.

Yeah,

we need to take off our armor, really, that's protecting us.

Do we want to open the good screaming armor?

No, but the question is: do we want the good knight armor first so that we can fight the evil knight armor, aka the coming armor?

Well, what's so evil about Jizz?

I feel like Jizz's armor is fine.

Okay, it does say,

I will confess, that wasn't all Stein.

It does say evil knight.

So, some of it was mine.

Some of it was Emily's, yeah.

No, yours.

Steiner, mine.

No, it's Emily's.

I had to say mine.

Okay, so what does it say in the book?

Okay.

So that we can know how it taps onto our emotional landscape.

If you open the first stage, what does that say with the first draft?

If you open the crate marked good night, turn to page 33.

If you open the crate marked evil knight, turn to page 49.

It seems like we probably want the good armor first.

Okay, but since we've never been in a relationship, we haven't gone through a bad boy phase.

Right, okay.

All right, so I think we're gonna do it.

want to die we want to do a real fast run first is that what we're going to do i'm saying we want to do the fast run we gotta um we want to face our fear okay yeah cool we want to make mistakes page 49 oh we want to make mistakes so we want to do the bad choice understood we're young wild and free we're only 37.

okay

okay okay the fun's over you declare you move over to the crate marked evil night and start to loosen the straps holding it shut it's still shaking a little but the screaming has died down to a faint moan that's actually in the book you really had me going there for a minute you continue.

Those screams sound pretty scary and all that moaning and shaking.

Wow, you guys are good.

Kip and Abby look as if they don't know what you're talking about, but you know better.

Who did you get to help you with this little prank anyway?

My dad, you ask?

Your dad is just the sort of goofball to go in for something like this, too.

Our dad would do this.

He's been like, you need to start dating.

And he's been trying to push us in.

We've said, no, I'm waiting.

He's like, not dating.

I'm waiting.

It's time to move out of the house.

Pip, pip, cheerio, son.

Yeah.

You fumble with the leather straps, but you finally get them undone.

By now, you're chuckling to yourself.

It really was a good prank.

Complete with these oversized crates.

Still, you can't believe you fell for it.

Speaking of falling, that's what the front door to the crate does next.

It's also what your lower jaw does.

It falls open.

You try to scream, but all that comes out is a little whimper.

There in front of you, about a foot from your face.

You stare into the laser-like eyes of the knight in screaming armor.

Turn to page 16 if you dare.

I'm screaming.

I'm screaming.

I do dare.

I do dare.

I think that we need to get a visual of our bad boy.

Okay.

The evil knight's head is a steaming hunk of black metal.

A sparkly medallion hangs around his neck.

Oh, I always knew we would go for someone wearing a chain.

Something about his medallion holds your gaze.

You can't stop looking at it.

With you standing there helpless before him, the evil knight raises his heavy sword and he brings it down and slashes open the crate behind him.

The wood shatters like ice.

In the land of Saxons, you shall be destroyed.

His voice booms over you.

You shiver.

He glances back at you.

I can't wait to do one and you shiver or is it.

No, that's real.

Yeah.

Yeah.

I should do it more like he's jizzing while he says this.

In the land of Saxons, you shall be destroyed.

No, I kind of liked it before because it was like, he's our bad boy fan.

Oh, got you.

Okay.

All right.

I'll do more of a bad boy thing.

You're not sure how long you stand there in shock.

The next thing you know, Abby and Kip are standing next to you.

Did you see that, you stammer?

Yeah, no big deal.

Abby tries to sound cool.

Look, Kip exclaims, this hole in the back of the crate, there are hills in it.

Hills in it?

First off, Abby's going after him too, right?

Oh, yeah.

Oh, my God.

Yeah.

Fuck.

Yeah.

Abby has bad boy eyes.

Abby has

Abby has that like hot like post-divorce thing going right now where you like feel like she's like a wildfire.

Her ex was an accountant too.

She wants to go against she wants to cut loose.

Yeah, yeah.

She's been on 13 wellness retreats.

Okay, let's elbow her out of the way.

Elbow her out of the way.

Okay, we elbow Abby right out of the way.

But he's right.

You peer through the hole.

You see emerald green hills and a pale blue sky.

You feel wind against your face.

You feel yourself drawn to the scene like you were to the medallion.

We'd better go through, you say, without taking your eyes off the scene before you.

If not, we'll never break the curse thing.

You push aside the splinters and step through.

Turn to page 119.

Okay.

Bro, we're just going for it.

This is great.

This is so not us, but, and yet it is.

Yeah.

Kip and Abby follow you through the hole in the back of the crate.

When all three of you are through, something seems to be a bad thing.

Yeah,

it's in here,

Abby.

And Kip, haven't you run far enough?

You turn to look and the crate has disappeared.

All you see around you are hills, soft green rolling hills.

It's so beautiful, you say.

It's a whole new world.

of dating.

You rub your eyes, but it doesn't go away.

It's our world, Abby exclaims.

We're back in England.

Oh, she's trying to share everything.

Yeah, it's exactly where the evil knight wants us to be.

Oh, shit.

She's going to know all the hot spots because she's from jolly old England.

Right.

But we're going to be so exotic to this night with our American accent.

Yes.

You have to really dial up the American accent.

Oh, yeah, they love it.

They love Americans.

Because we're American, we have an American accent, and we also have a cell phone.

So we're going to be very freaked out.

Oh, yeah.

Okay, quick, pull up a fun game on ourselves

to impress us.

I pull up

tiny wings?

Okay, I pull up tiny wings.

It's exactly where the evil knight wants us to be, Kip says softly.

England, the land of the Saxons, England.

Who cares, Abby says?

We're home.

Don't look so happy, Kip Horns.

The evil knight wants to destroy us.

We may be home for good, or should I say, for evil?

You gaze for evil.

You gaze around.

Was that Steiner mime?

Yeah, you gaze around.

It says, do it in a Dr.

Evil voice.

You gaze around, you stunned.

There's no way to explain what's just happened to you.

Hundreds of sheep are grazing on a nearby hill.

One wild-looking ram ram glances up at you.

Your heart jumps.

His eyes are glowing.

You cry out.

Your pulse starts to race.

The horned head of the ram moors into the armored head of the evil knight.

He lowers his head and paws to the ground.

Steam pours through the grill in his helmet.

He's going to ram us, you cry.

Run for your lives.

I push out the street.

I stay ram.

Yeah.

I'll take it.

Led by the evil knight, the whole herd of sheep stamped.

Terror grips you as the thundering herd bears down on the three of you.

You are about to be trampled.

The stampede sounds like a sonic boom.

You wrap your arms around your head and wait to feel the pain of a hundred little hooves pounding you into the grass.

So, this is how he plans to

destroy us, you think.

You open your mouth to scream, but you can't hear anything over the thundering of sheep feet.

Yeah, then suddenly, evil knight,

crush me, sheep.

Then, suddenly, there's nothing but the sound of screaming, your own screaming.

You peek through your arms.

The stampeding herd is gone.

The hills are gone.

All that's left are prickle bushes.

You're buried in prickle bushes and they hurt.

Oh, oh, turn of page 132.

Not a lot of choices here.

Okay.

Yeah.

This is great though.

We're abroad.

We're experiencing new things.

Yes.

I think you need to like find a hostel and like meet some people.

Yeah.

Yeah.

As a 37-year-old.

As a 37-year-old who is potentially embarking on our first bad boy phase.

Yeah.

Ouch, Abby cries.

She breaks herself free from the prickly bush.

You can't help laughing.

Abby's a human pincushion.

She has little prickly leaves stuck all over her.

Ouch, You and Kip say together as you fall out of the bushes.

You find yourselves looking like two porcupines, too.

That's a really good joke.

Say it out loud to Abby and Kip and hope that the bad boy night overhears.

Yeah, yeah, that's good.

I feel like a porcupine.

I feel like a porcupine in an American accent, if you can muster that.

I look like a porcupine.

Perfect.

You hear giggles and then

play Pokemon Go for a peasant.

I say I'm from Dallas in a southern accent.

Hold up my phone and show the Pokemon.

What is this demon?

Yeah, that's Squirtle.

That's Squirtle right there.

You hear giggles and they're not Abbys.

You find yourself a Pikachu.

Get the fuck up, everybody.

Y'all got any nightclubs right now?

Everyone, oh shit, Cubo.

Look around a a lasso of Charizard.

You hear giggles and they're not happies.

You glance over your shoulder and see something you never imagined you'd see.

Two Pokemon?

Holy shit, it's a bulbasaur.

Kill it.

Kill it.

Wait a second, our Pokemon go to Abbeys of the U.S.

Is this the work of Morgan Lafayette?

Two miniature men are laughing and rolling on the ground.

I'm one of them.

Each man

is about the size of a football.

They laugh and smack their knees and point at you.

Pixies, Kip cries.

Pixies, you say.

No, Pokemon, Pokemon, not Pixies, but you're not.

In America, we call Pokemon.

In America, we call Pixies Pokemon.

In America, we have a little saying, Pokemon, go to the pole.

No.

The blood!

The little men disappear for a minute.

They resurface in the bushes close by.

This way out, one giggles, pointing to the left.

No, this way out, says the other, pointing to the right.

Which one can you trust?

Follow the Pixie pointing left.

Turn to page 32.

Follow the Pixie pointing right.

Follow the Pokemon pointing right.

Turn to page.

You can't trust either of these Pokemon.

No.

Is this Minusil and Plusil, the the little like Pikachu clones?

These are meowths.

So you know for them to know.

Talk me.

The little men disappear for a minute.

They resurface in the bushes close by.

I'm trying to read and see if there's any clues here.

This way out, one giggles, pointing to the left.

No, this way out, says the other, pointing to the right.

Which one can you trust?

Oh, says versus giggles.

Says versus giggles.

Here's the thing.

Does the one think it's funny because they're doing freaking double reverse psychology on us or reverse psychology?

No, this is the 1500s.

Double reverse psychology hasn't been invented yet.

But it's actually just reverse psychology, right?

Oh, right.

Yeah, it's only reverse.

Unless it's double reverse and they think we're going to think

that the giggles.

No, I think since it's not double reverse, then it means giggles is good.

I think Renaissance is

when reverse psychology was invented.

Okay.

So I think, yeah, we're good.

We're good for.

So we want to go the giggle route.

We're good to giggle.

Let's go giggle.

We're going to go giggle.

Let's get giggly.

Okay.

Follow the meowth pointing to the left.

Turn to page 32.

We go ahead and catch that meowth as well.

Okay.

Yeah, we do.

Boy, howdy.

So fucking stupid.

Okay.

Let's go to the left, Abby says, pulling thorns out of her arms.

There's a cottage down the hill.

Maybe we can get help there.

Hello?

Am I the only one who thinks there's something weird going on here?

You ask?

Abby and Kip can't hear you.

They're already walking across the windy meadow towards the cottage.

Pokemon, you mumble to yourself.

You take off after Kip and Happy.

You don't get far when you hear a deafening rumble.

It sounds like an earthquake.

You see bits of turf flying in the air.

You turn and look behind you to see hedges!

Killer hedges.

They're growing at an incredible rate.

What would a hedge be?

Like a plant-type Pokemon?

Maybe an Executor?

Okay.

Or, oh, a Snivy?

I don't even know what that looks like.

I said all the Pokemon that I've seen.

Tangella.

Fuck it, be Tangella.

Okay, Tangella.

Actually, they're not so much growing as bursting through the earth in jagged lines.

Okay, it could be a Geodude.

Walls of Geodudes.

And it looks as if, yes, they are heading right for you.

It's time to start sprinting again, and there's no use screaming about it either.

Now's the time to move.

Turn to page 27.

Guys, I think there's a chance that our knowledge of Pokemon is what's holding us back in the dating scene because we just info dump about it.

Or

is it that we like the chase too much?

We've learned to enjoy the chase too much from Pokemon Go.

Oh, we like the catch.

So we can't settle.

So we like the chase, but not the catch.

Yeah, exactly.

And we're always trading out for new Pokemon.

Yeah.

We're maximizing.

Geodudes are exploding out of the ground, fully grown.

Dug trios.

Others.

Dug trios are spreading towards you with amazing speed.

You're no match for them.

They burst past you, blocking your path.

You try to stop short, but not fast enough to avoid a face full of Dugtrios.

Kipp and Abbey, too.

You start to run the other way, but you don't get far before you come up against another wall of Dug Trios.

It doesn't seem to matter which way you turn.

Any open path is instantly blocked by a solid wall of dug trios.

Dug trios grab at you as you run past.

You shake them off and keep on running.

You have to get out of here.

The dug trios around you grow higher and higher, cutting the sky into lines of dug trios.

The three of you race in every direction, but it's no use.

You stop for a second to catch your breath.

The ground beneath you starts to rumble and shake.

Ah, you scream.

You can imagine the dug trio about to explode through the ground and up through your body.

You brace yourself, but then it stops.

It's quiet again, except for Kip.

We're trapped, he bellows.

What do we do now?

Try to escape.

Turn to page 78.

Kip, you're trapped in your marriage.

Don't extend that to us.

Yeah, we're here.

We're open to dating a Doug trio if it works.

If it's like

with the jacked guy underground, we're up for that.

Hey there, Nad Poles.

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You stare at the walls of Dugtrios surrounding you.

The Dugtrios are too high, you say.

We can't climb over the Dugtrios.

It looks like a Dug Trio, Abby.

You know, Kim, where am I?

I'm just reviving.

Abby, I didn't take you for a Pokemon Go player.

You know, Kip, like they used to to have at royal palaces and stuff, I wonder if there's a way out.

We'll either have to find our way out or break through the Dug Trios.

We can't stay in here forever, you say.

Forever, Kip Wales.

Knock it off, Kip.

You and Abby both cry.

So what will it be?

So death to us part.

Not again.

If you try to find your way out, turn to page 51.

If you try to break through the hedge instead, turn to page 116.

Okay, so I will add

that R.L.

Stein didn't specifically mention Doug Trios.

That was me.

So these are hedges.

We might be able to break through them easier than

the Steiner mine.

That was mine.

In a relationship with the Doug Trio.

Yeah.

Do you want to break through?

Emotionally.

Like, break through the emotional.

I think we're looking for a breakthrough.

Like, we've been lost in a maze.

Yeah.

That was what our 30s was.

Yeah.

Right.

It's time to break through.

And as we approach our 40s, we're like ready for a reinvention.

Yeah.

Yeah.

We want that Abby glow up.

Yeah.

We want that 41.

I think we want a little poke amory.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Okay.

Turn to page 116.

It's It's no use trying to find your way out of the mess of dug trios surrounding you.

We'll have to break through, you decide.

It's our only choice.

But I better not get a scratch, Abby warns.

I've worked too hard for this beautiful complexion, going on several wellness retreats and drinking mineral water.

Three of you turn your backs.

You're in a lot of debt, Abby.

Yeah, you really are.

Let's be honest about it, Abby.

You're burning through your alimony.

The three of you turn your backs to the high, thick dug trios.

On the count of three, we ram it, you say.

You link arms.

One, two three you count all together you throw yourselves backwards against the towering dug trio wall you fall through landing flat on your backs on the other side hooray kip cheers we did it before you and abby can add your own cheers thousands of little animals tumble out of the hedge and cover you their fur is thick and coarse with spines oh i hate dirty critters abby exclaims get out of my hair hedgehogs you cry they're holding us down a lot for those extensions

gotta be cyndaquils uh page Page, turn to page 94.

Not a lot of choices in this one.

Yeah.

I mean, I guess R.L.

Stein was just cooking.

He was just like, no choice.

Yeah, he was doing this one.

He's like, this rocks.

I actually don't trust the audience to not, you know, do your own self-inserts and stuff.

Pokemon, go to the next page.

Thank you.

Thank you.

You guys are both fired.

There are hedgehogs squirming all over you.

They jabber away.

Chitter, chi-chi, chatter, chim, chitter, chi, chim, chim, jeru.

Yeah, they're talking to each other.

They're talking to each other.

You mutter through a mouthful of hedgehog spines.

Ow.

Two hedgehogs are holding a meeting right on your face.

Now that's hot.

All right.

What the hell?

Holy shit.

It doesn't feel very good.

You manage to sit up.

Dozens of the balled up hedgehogs roll off you, then pounce again.

The lead hedgehog squeals.

It is weird that Sonic is like not British because hedgehogs, I feel like, are very like European animal.

And it's weird that they just like totally stripped that from his persona when they invented Sonic the Hedgehog.

Maybe there is a British Sonic.

Like the first draft was supposed to be very British.

He's like, Pit Pip, Cheerio.

Yeah.

Yeah, Pip Pip.

Go fast.

Maybe that's where Pip Pip comes from.

I think actually

the British Sonic Sonic.

Because when Sonic gets a big bubble of water when he's underwater, he goes, Whip Whip.

And that's kind of like Pip Pip.

Yeah, okay.

That's the only thing they change about the games.

I'm glad to have gotten that answer.

Yeah.

Or three hedgehogs nesting in Abby's hair look up.

The ones on Kip's shoulders curl into balls and roll roll down his chest.

Spiny fur balls roll out of your sleeves, off your head, out of Abby's hair, and even out from inside your shoes.

What?

In a flash, they scurry back into the hedges behind you.

What's going on?

You feel a blast of wind.

It's warm, not cold.

You raise your eyes up to the hills.

A dark mist is rolling down over them.

Hey, you say, we better get out of here.

Whatever that mist is, those little animals were scared of it.

Where are we going to go?

Abby asks.

If you return to the hedges, turn to page 23.

If you wait where you are to see what's coming, turn to page 75.

We can't go back in the hedges, right?

We can't.

We also can't wait.

That's a weird choice.

Yeah.

There's not anywhere else we could go.

I want to like sprint towards it.

Yeah.

I'm getting flashbacks to hedgehogs waiting to see what happens and remembering some terrible endings in Metal City Mayhem.

But I do think that's the best option.

Because I do, just as a reader, I don't want to go back in the fucking hedges.

Right.

Although maybe we should ask Abby if this is like natural acupuncture, just like getting like our bodies punctured by hedgehogs.

Is that like good for us?

Would that that like pump our chakras?

That's Abby doesn't have any interest in going back either.

It's all about forward momentum.

That's right, yeah, yeah.

Because the second, she doesn't even want to stop because the second she stops, she has to reflect on if all the money she's spending on self-care is paying off.

Yeah, right.

And she's not ready to have that honest conversation.

And yeah, meanwhile, Kip is just standing still in his life.

So I think we just join him for that.

Yeah.

Okay.

Yeah, let's walk towards this warm fart.

Yeah.

Okay.

The hedges are behind you.

The green hills are in front of you.

There's a warm wind in your face, and something, something is coming over those hills.

A dark black mist is rolling towards you.

It's already halfway to where you're standing.

I don't like the look of this, Kip says.

The warm wind picks up, dark clouds gather, dust whips around in whirlpools.

Dude, is this jizz clouds?

This warm, salty wind.

Jiz is in the air around you.

Look, you remark: sooner or later, we're going to have to face this jizz night.

That's the only way to break the curse, right?

Only a Saxon can defeat him.

I prefer later to sooner, Kip starts to answer back.

He never finishes a sentence.

Oh!

Is it defeating or conquering?

I say, and I look at Abby competitively.

The scream of the evil knight announces his arrival.

Find out what happens next on page 85.

All right, we try to steal some of Abby's moisturizer real quick.

Yeah, we look right for the night.

Okay, let's like, let's rip the Lululemon tag off of her pants and put it on our.

Yeah, and maybe we can get like a strand up her curly blonde hair so we look curly blonde, too.

Yeah,

feel one of her extensions.

Yeah, yeah.

Oh, there we go.

Put it in the Abby extension.

Okay,

we're wearing her clothes and her hair.

Yeah, we use the hedgehog needles to sew ourselves a new costume.

The evil knight screams and comes mingle with the whistling blast of hot calm wind.

You can almost feel his evil breath mixed in with the wind.

You know, he's so close.

The dark mist rushes at you.

Hi, I'm Gabby.

My name is Gabby.

The force.

I yell, shoving Abby aside.

The force of the gale throws the three of you backwards towards the hedge, but you don't feel the prickly leaves.

You don't land on the ground where you were before.

I'm hedging.

I'm hedging.

In fact, you don't land at all.

We're falling.

The three of you cry together.

Falling, falling, falling.

Falling in love?

Yeah, I think so.

If the chair you're sitting on has a cushion, turn to page 48.

If it doesn't have a cushion,

if you're not, doesn't have a cushion or you're not sitting on a chair, turn to page 72.

RL, you are wild for this one.

got cushions.

What is RL?

How many people do you think were just reading his books on like a wooden bench?

Think about it at school.

At school.

Yeah.

I feel like school chairs were like designed to torture you.

Yeah.

Oh, yeah.

They'd keep you awake.

I guess if you're reading this during like indoor recess, yeah.

Okay.

We have a cushion.

Yeah.

Yeah, dude.

It's not raining.

And we're not in fifth grade.

So we're adults.

We have cushions.

Thumb.

You land on something.

It's like 30th grade.

It's a body, a human body.

Please get off me this instant.

A regal-looking 39-year-old dressed in tights and puffy shorts pushes you, Kip, and Abby off of him.

Okay, you all stand up.

What Pokemon is this?

You all stand up and dust yourselves off.

Who are you?

You ask the 39-year-old man.

He looks about two years older than you.

I am a page,

answers the 39-year-old man.

Page 48 in a class of 144.

A page, Abby asks.

What's a page?

That was nothing.

I'm going to lean in and say, a page?

I'd like to take a page out of your book.

No, I think this is perfect because this guy, like, this guy's kind of a wiener.

Like, Abby, this guy's perfect for

you.

Yeah, we already did say that.

We have to lock Abby up, so we're single.

Emily already did say that clean line, though.

So you see,

the page leans in.

Okay, by insane.

He brushes your one blonde tail behind your ear.

And then I think I'm just going to be like, Abby, are you recently single?

And I'm going to walk walk away.

These pants are actually from Aloe.

A page?

Abby asks, what's a page?

We are knights in training, the 39-year-old answers proudly.

And we're trying to get away from a knight, you remind Abby.

Can you show us the way out of it?

Yeah, we do remind her.

We do remind her that.

Page 48 points to a gate that opens by itself.

That's the way out, he says.

It's the valley of rocks.

Hurry, you order Abby and Kip.

The gate is closing.

You make it through just as the gate crashes down behind you.

You look back.

Page 48 is gone.

All you see before you is a night sky in a strange, mysterious valley full of rocks.

Turn to page 72.

Whoa, shit.

Is he dead?

Yeah.

Wait, was that page 48 that we were on?

Yeah.

Good joke.

That is so good.

Good joke, RL.

Wow.

And are there 144 pages total?

There are.

He was cooking.

Dude, he was cooking.

He really was.

That's why there's so little.

Wait, sorry, there aren't 144 pages.

There's only 136.

It's a little undercooked.

I just assumed

that's pretty under.

That's pretty undercooked.

That's pretty undercooked.

Yeah.

Maybe there are 144 in the first draft.

Yeah, maybe he's including like the little things up top.

Y'all,

the fan club thing.

You have to ask him.

You have to ask him.

You have to ask.

Oh, my God.

Who should interview him?

You've landed in a valley, but the green hills.

You'd be Starstruck.

Yeah, I would be Starstruck too, and he'd be really upset at all the liberties we've taken.

Right, yeah.

Don't listen to any of the content we made around.

Yeah, there's a chance you would like hear us and be like, How did you know that I had a perfect draft that was rejected?

You've landed in a valley, but the green hills of a moment ago are long gone.

In fact, there isn't a blade of grass as far as the eye can can see.

It's all rocks, broken up shards, and boulders and stones, and it's dark.

A pale moon shines up above.

Abby tries to move and barely balances on a wobbly platform of stone, despite all those retreats.

Work on your balance, girl.

She shrieks, this is like an avalanche waiting to happen.

Be careful, Kip warns.

These flat rocks aren't as steady as they look.

Yeah, thanks for the tip, Kip, Abby says.

I think we noticed.

They're right.

The rock you're standing on tips and throws you backwards to another flat rock below.

Whoa, you cry as your new rocky floor seesaws back and forth.

You glance down.

There are more jagged rocks waiting to catch you below.

Next, you look up and something flashes high up on the rocky point of the mountain.

Something silvery shimmers in the moonlight.

Seems to be.

Silver, come.

It seems to be calling to you.

Would silver come?

What is it?

Turn to page 28.

Silver.

Here comes silver, dude.

Yeah, dude.

Incredible.

He does the Capri Sun.

He's got that Alex Mag.

The silver circle.

Yeah, he's got that Alex Mac.

Where are you going?

Kip asks as you carefully step off your rocking rock and onto his.

Look up there, you say.

You point to the gleaming gum.

Whatever is up there is something we need.

I don't know why, but I had to find out what it is.

I'm going up to get it.

I'll come with you.

I'll come with you, Kip volunteers.

Stop right there, Abby orders.

Don't take another step.

You're not leaving me alone.

Oh, yeah.

Abby's afraid of heights, Kip mumbles.

I'll go by myself, you declare.

You two stay together here, balancing on all fours.

You move up onto the next rock.

You feel as if you're climbing on eggshells.

One false move, and the rock you're on could crumble away.

This does sound like entering the world of dating.

Yeah, You would tumble all the way to the bottom.

You test each rock before you move to it.

It's amazing how many of them have jagged edges.

Higher and higher you climb.

Then you see it.

A hand sticking up out of the rocks.

Turn to page 133.

Geodude, it's you.

It's Geodude.

You peer closer at the hand sticking out of the rocks.

It's only made of stone.

That's when you notice that the rock you're sitting on has a face.

Ah, you yell.

The stone face is frozen.

Dude, you're sitting on someone's face.

The stone face is frozen in expression of pain.

You move to another rock, but as you look around, all of the broken rocks are shaped like people, broken pieces of people.

Tabby, Kim, you cry, but there's no answer.

You can't see them from where you are without losing your balance.

What if they're turning into stone or something, you think?

Doesn't call out again.

They don't make sense, though, because people, they get their heart broken, and then they let their hearts turn to stone.

Yeah,

you harden yourself to the world.

I think that in this moment, aren't we like, maybe we should turn around and stay open?

Is every geo dude just a broken heart?

Damn.

I want to look at the face of the guy that I was sitting on and kiss him and say, who hurt you?

Yeah, yeah, I mean, we do that.

We do that.

You kiss the rock, man.

Great.

What's going on?

Maybe they just, so you yell for your cousins.

They can't hear you.

What's going on?

Maybe they just can't hear you from down below, but maybe you could climb back down and check on them just to be safe.

If you keep climbing for the shimmering object, turn to page 124.

If you scramble down the mountain to help your cousins, turn to page 35.

We don't want to scramble down the mountain to help our cousins.

We do want to kiss the stone beneath us.

Is there any consequence from that?

Yeah, right.

So we kiss it, and that makes us climb upwards.

And we say, who hurt you?

Let me fix it.

Who hurt you?

Let me fix it.

Okay.

In this other, who hurt you?

Let me fix it.

God damn it.

And flash Pokemon Goat.

Yeah, we flash Pokemon Goat.

It's time for you to evolve your relationship.

You may be climbing on pieces of people, but as rocks, they're not going to hurt you or you, them, for that matter.

Kip and Abby are probably fine.

Maybe they just can't hear you.

If they are turning to stone, they're not going anywhere, are they?

And you're not sure of what you could do to help them anyway.

I feel like we're gonna die.

You decide to keep climbing the last little bit up the slope.

You'll grab that shining object, whatever it is, while you've got the chance.

You're almost there.

The rock you're standing on is totally unstable.

You have to do a real balancing act to keep from crashing down on the rocks below.

Slowly, carefully, you reach for the silver object.

It's long and shiny.

When you've got a hold of it, you try to lift it up, but it lifts you up into the air.

The shiny thing is a metal finger that's attached to a metal hand.

that that's attached to the knight in screaming armor turn a page coming up 66

You lifted me up You lifted me up.

No

You don't know who's screaming louder.

You are the bad boy knight.

You stare in his glowing eyes you feel the steam of his breath on your face and then he reaches out lifts you up and flings you over the mountainside

down down you tumble your arms and legs bash against the sharp rocks.

You can feel the bumps and bruises starting to swell even before you reach the rocky bottom of the mountain.

At last, you tumble to a stop next to the motionless figures of Kip and Abby.

What?

You don't move a muscle because you can't.

You're stiff all over and getting stiffer and stiffer and stiffer.

Eternally stiff with no release.

You're hard as a rock with blue balls.

The end.

Oh,

that's so painful.

We got so much.

Bad blue blue balls.

Wow.

I think there was a moment.

He was lifting us up.

Yeah.

And then when he was like, and he flings you, it was like, oh, like, we're going on a fling together.

Yeah, the language,

the language of that was really like, reach out.

I was hoping to get an object that could then maybe reverse the curse of the valley here.

And instead, it was, no, you're supposed to go down.

We should realize every once in a while that these are to teach lessons to children.

So whenever it's like, go go back and help your friends, you should always just go that way.

Right, right.

Oh, okay.

Yeah, but that's interesting.

Children also need to learn lessons about taking chances romantically and not letting it turn you to stone.

True.

Grabbing life by its shiny finger.

Yeah, that's true.

And 37-year-olds need to realize that sometimes their friends are holding them back.

Yes.

You have to check through.

Actually, I have no regrets on what happened.

I'm glad we returned to stone.

Don't focus too much on your cousins and what their lives are all about.

Yeah.

You know what?

We got so caught up in competing with our hot divorcee cousin that we forgot to be ourselves.

Yeah, we literally wore

her hair.

Yeah, we think

we think that she, you know, she was divorced, but really we were divorced from our true self.

Yeah,

that's so true.

Also, we forgot to do a

southern accent and talk about Pokemon Go when we met the night.

That was God.

That was

so impressed.

Yeah.

Yeah, because we kissed that that face earlier on, and they probably saw that.

Because if you saw the surfing Alolan Raichu that we have, you would have just been like head over heels.

Oh, the knight was in the sky.

So probably also, yeah, saw, like Jake was saying, saw us flirting with the 39-year-old guy.

And that's been the story of our lives because we're giving ourselves away.

We're afraid to settle down.

And a lot of times, the bad boy is really only a bad boy because he got hurt in the past, right?

So his armor is essentially hardening himself.

So he saw us flirting with someone else and was like not another person who is all over the place.

Right.

And so maybe if we harden ourselves, we'll sort of become the bad boy as well.

Shit.

Do we need to get a chain medallion?

We need to get a sick medallion.

A chain medallion and a chain wallet.

Yeah.

You need to get double chain.

Screaming chain wallet.

Thank you all so much for listening.

We're going to go ahead and wrap this one up.

You know, we're going to do something kind of fun that we did during the D ⁇ D court month where we do do one of our series in the main feed and then something different in the patreon so over on the patreon i've come up with a bunch of new surprise rounds so surprise rounds

are going to be uh over there it's going to be really fun head on over there to patreon.com slash nadpod that's n-a-d-d-p-od don't sing yet

uh does anyone have anything to plug i do we've got dimension 20 shows coming up uh june 1st at the hollywood bowl be on the lookout for that We're also going to be in Seattle in July on July 20th, and we're going to be in Vegas in November.

Search Dimension 20 live to get your tickets for those.

Anyone else have anything?

I do have something to plug.

Nice.

I did a little voice for a video game called Date Everything.

And in June, it's going into like proper console.

So be on the lookout for that.

Yeah, once I get a proper date.

Yeah, it's called Date Everything.

Once I get a proper date, I'll plug it again.

Keep your eyes on this space.

Sounds like Adventure Book Theater.

It is romantic.

Yeah.

It is romantic.

I think if you enjoy our weird meandering where we try to date, you know, suits of armor while eating Goosebumps books, what people like dating.

It is very thematic.

That's probably why it popped in my head.

Anybody else?

Yeah, speaking of video games, I'll plug Claire Obscure Expedition 33.

Oh, wow.

Iraq.

People have been talking about that.

It's so fun.

We're currently playing Blueprints, but whenever we're done, I'm going to try that.

Nice.

Jake, you got anything?

Yeah.

Check me out over at Substack.

Substack.com slash At Jackson.

You're going to get one one of these days.

Emily's going going to get one.

I had the thought that I was like, what if I did something?

Because I have like all this like random music that I work on.

And I was like, if I had a sub stack, but then how often do you release yours, Jake?

I put one out every Friday.

Every Friday.

Every Friday.

But I do like, I write like a long column.

I feel like Substack would be great for your music thing because you could give all of the tracks so much context and stuff like that.

Yeah, but would that feel interesting even?

What did you talk about this most recent one on your most recent Friday one?

On my most recent one, somebody asked about how they stay present in the social internet while

kind of wanting to disengage and stay in the loop with people.

Ooh,

okay.

I'd be interested in finding that out because I don't know.

Well, check it out.

I'll give you an in-depth answer on it.

All right.

You can follow us on social media there, Remy Remay.

Use at Season RushMe, I call these Caldwell, at XRS Emily and at Jake Gurtz Jake.

And you can talk about the show online using hashtag NATPOT.

That's N-A-D-D-P-O-D.

We are, we are,

youth of the nation, we are, we are,

youth of the nation.

It's the end of our show, y'all, which means it's time to shout out our benevolent Council of Elders.

Here they come:

Brad D, Jeffrey S, Lord of the Fjord, later Mick Skater, Matt M, Cutter W, Jeff C, Daniel G, Danielle, the dastardly dame, Dame, Carpe Liam, Victor T, aka Balnor's Boy, Hoyt's friend, Justin I, Danny Danster, TJM, Trele the Cray, Christopher B.

Damiel R., Jordan L, Cyborg Version of Josh the Cobalt, Beep Boop, Tar Got, Stevie Wags, Hellish Rebuker, the NBDMPHD,

Princess Yar, Jory S, Jack L.

Nicholas C, star of every film ever made in Bohemia.

Mike H.

Alka Smeltzer Plus, Great Value Jimmer.

Tyler F.

Carborough Chapel Hill FPV.

Cece Lulu, Old Cobb's Duncle, Older Burn.

Hercules Poir, the Rabbit Folk Detective.

Timmy R.

Reiko.

Jake's Jerk Jelly.

Hashtag CCC.

Oh boy.

Taylor B.

Insert Rin's.

Oh,

laugh here.

Cass, Strong, Granch.

Steven, shout out to Boy the Troll, C.

Mike K, Nick W, William W.

Big Bad Leirdo the Mad, Eric McD, Ananarama, Percival Fredrikson, von Mussel, Klasowski, Derolo III, Jay Dragonborn, Guardian of the Vibe, honoring the

Cock,

Pithy Witch, Ben A.

Dave H.

Dustin S.

Not that Nick, Danny F.

Hawkeye Pierce, Book Vars Assistant, Izzy F, Big Bad John, DPC is awesome

Shoan, the shade tree mechanic of Zebuldar,

Summer Rose, aka Granter,

Mark, the Dark Lord Staint, Cat C, Misa of House in Zunza, Ariel, the occasional mermaid, Selena N, aka Velacyraptor, B.

Perky Always, Pat L, Lauren H, Serve 16, Annie the Faywild Therapist, Pierogi Frenzy,

Connor S., Salil, BioCourt 7, Amber Dextress, Bean Rat Was Innocent, Trub

Hopdropper, Jack Hubert, King of the Mole People, Under Iron Deep, dressed in blue and fighting his way through a bracket-style tournament, Valen, Paj, the bitch and bunny bard, druidic Peyton, Carlin C.

Noah the Bullywug Boy, hashtag honor the cock, James G, everything Bago the Eladron who just wants to hang out with his pet badger, Stripey, Reverend Chatterbones, Ha-cha-cha-cha-cha-cha-cha!

Han, Eric B.

Marcos, Learns the Balanced Druid, Frida M, Maggie, Holly, the green laughing hyena, Cal misses the D5s with all her heart.

Aaron B., Russell H.

A monk named Dilgo.

Yes, the whole thing.

Yes, every time.

Cody Care, Lorelei, the succubi, and Kira the succulent.

Snack.

McKenna Stout, your friendly neighborhood yaunt and yunkle, Andrew and Sid.

John Adams, we can be done with presidential puns.

Meg, the mail carrier of Bahumia.

James F., Austin S.

Wayfarer, now has to do something with the trolls.

To get rid of them, turn to page 42.

To keep them, turn to page 69.

Oreo, Shane C.

Barpo Good Barrel, Bard Barian, Garrett G, aka one big curd, Charlie Brown's best friend, Renee the Monster Captain, Olivia the Enchanting Bard, and Jared the Soap Opera Cleric, who will be auditioning for Callie's acting troop.

Blue Ash, Fico, Garrett the Artificer, Valkyrie, the Girt Sea Brother, Anthony, the rattest of dudes, J!

The fairies have all amended their ways and are volunteering at their local petting zoo.

Cantrip Dumbledore, the bare onesie-wearing barbarian.

Lexi loves the two crew.

Thank you, Lexi,

MJ, the BFG, Roger L.

Nadrog, the pass-a-fist barbarian.

John Luka, Leon Kumori, legendary hero of Bahumia from a future campaign, Shenanigans O'Connor, Joshua S., Alexander, Linz W, Sky the Wise, aka the lone dungeon master, Johnny Dudeke,

the mischief of Nadpod's familiars, Pavu Eskenor, the Goliath Paladin, providing service with a smile, Kit and their cat, Tim M,

Tiles Lamar, T.R., MLG Cheeto,

Shelby, Kenneth's first favorite sprite girl.

Thank you, DM Her Crits, for this beautifully poetic romp in Skaldova.

By the Ender's Light, we shall return.

Snailis, who's infecting Worcester for Within.

A bone flute literally tells a story when played.

Papa Skydays, Mima Skydays, Megan N.

Kayson, the Jester-Jouster, Anthony Baxley, Savannah H., Balnor's best friend, Steve, Benjamin A.

Gimli the Corgi, Pawpaw and Foster's canine friend, Mikel A.

Josh Hole, pilot of the Nightmare Verse Flight, the two crew,

blew through,

Jennery, Kelsey A.

Ethan the Mailman, Maple the Shy Bookworm, Ashosaurus, Billy Batson, Tori the Tungsten Dragoose, Accidental Sharer of Recipes, Michael L.

S.

II, Carl B.

Plumber of the Realm.

Dex Riddlewell.

Hannah A., Ace Dregg's High Lord of Critzburg.

Darius Davis, the guy from That One Thing.

Vin Diagram.

Cadmilius, the Consumed.

Clinton B.

Cam the Frogman.

Dean, Jake W.

Hi Mom.

Tuesday Cross, the Choose Your Own Adventure Writer, not the Pornstar.

Steve L.

Tyler M.

Alex G.

Zibitibakery, Kaylee, Katarina C, Misty, the crispy kitty, really hates flame skulls.

Oof, who doesn't?

Greg W, whose satyr-barred whisker is basically a crick elf.

Is that cultural appropriation or just fan art?

By the way, thank you, Emily.

Baruch Thunderhelm, fifth generation Minotaur working as an abandoned labyrinth tour guide.

Chupacabri, Boney is dead.

Cohen Pace, the Duke of Silk's missing son,

The Waterworth, Nick, Amy, Aegis Kunari, Ignition Class Pedal Storm, Nadia the Dice Druid, a distant relative of both Welly and Moonshine.

It turns out it all comes back to the crick.

Charlemagne, not the god.

DJ Dramamine,

Aulrik von Tsarevich.

My favorite patron makes me say penis on my show.

Well played.

And finally, Jessica with a G.

Woo, that was a pleasure.

Thank you all so, so much for listening.

It's always an honor getting to shout out your names.

If you would like to join this illustrious council, you can do so by going to patreon.com/slash nadpod.

That's going to be it for us today, but we will catch you here again next week.

Thanks so much.

Farewell.

That was a hit gum podcast.