D&D Court: Polymorph Romance, Cruel Rakshasas and The Problem with Jaguar Johnny

This is a head gun podcast.

Welcome to the dungeon court, everyone.

Dungeon.

It's been a minute, but we are back.

We are your Supreme Court justices, Murphy, Tanner.

It kills me to say this.

Come on.

Hurwitz.

Ascended the bench.

It just threw, you know,

I deserve your respect.

Pure happenstance to be named.

I don't like him, but he gets results.

Yeah.

He showed up before everyone else.

I guess so.

Yeah.

Okay.

I don't like it, but I have to respect it.

I have to.

All rise.

He brings a bag lunch so that he doesn't even have to leave for lunch.

Yeah, true.

He dry cleans his own robes, which is.

Yeah, he's got squatters' rates.

Yeah, I was going to say, I think it might be he's staking out the chair and doesn't want to give it away.

I haven't left the court since last time.

And And then we have the wonderful, talented bailiff, Emily Axtruy.

What the fuck?

Amazing.

What?

A joy to see you.

What?

Come on.

I think your wife is lowly, dude.

What?

Hey!

You better be happy you're in New York.

Stay there.

Sorry, Warf.

I have to fight for his right to say that.

I don't like it, but god damn it.

You can call your wife a piece of shit if he wants to.

He's on the bench now.

And with that,

we will move into Crit.

Hear ye, hear ye.

Crit is now in session.

Honorable Justices Tanner, Hurwitz, and Murphy presiding.

Our first case comes from Francisco S.

To the highly esteemed Justices Murphy and Tanner, the glorious Bailiff Axford, and the lowly

tie goes to Francisco.

This is what we like.

That was kind of perfect timing for me.

Yeah, perfect.

Good on you, Francisco.

I bring to you the the case of the polymorphed Immaculate Conception.

Okay.

A handful of years ago, I was DMing a homebrew campaign for a group of friends.

One of these friends, let's call her Jake, fell victim to a polymorph spell outside of combat and turned into a chicken.

The party decided to simply wait it out until the polymorph ended, and they did this at a local tavern.

I had the party roll a group persuasion for the tavern owner to allow a chicken into its tavern.

After all, it is a business with a health score to be mindful of.

They failed this due to remarkably bad rolls, which left Jake outside with the other chickens while the rest of the party caused drama inside.

In an effort for Jake to not feel left out of fun RP, I improved a scene with the other chickens and farm animals outside.

Jake was having a blast getting to know these other animals and their stories.

What?

Let's call this chicken Jack.

Let's call the chicken Jack, right?

Well, this chicken seems cool, so we should call it Jack.

Justice is Jake or Jack fell in love with one of the roosters.

She mentioned how much she admired the difficulties this rooster had overcome.

I don't think Polymorph allows you to like innately understand

other animals, but I do like this, I guess.

I was fully invested in his happiness and desire for a family.

She then asked Roll to see if she could lay an egg for this rooster to have a family, and I said no.

The table erupted.

And after many expletives and a few small throned objects, I said, roll a D20 and a D10.

And this would only happen on a Nat 20 and a Nat 10.

Okay.

Justices, she did it.

Holy fuck.

The table lost their goddamn mind.

I was baffled.

My players began chanting, Jake, egg, Jake, egg.

Justices, I did not want a Jake egg, and I assure you, no one wants a Jake egg.

I then realized that Jake was outside for much longer than an hour in-game, and the polymorph should have ended well before this moment.

I ruled that there would be no Jake Egg, and my table still begrudges me to this day.

So I ask the highest court of the land: was I wrong to deprive my table of their Jake egg?

Okay, let's get Murph's wrong opinion out of the way real quick.

Wait, hang on, hang on.

First off, how dare you?

First off, honey, I absolutely

call that back to the future.

I'm writing it out.

I so nice to you at the beginning of this Emily.

I offered to fly across the country and pick Jake's ass for you.

This is wrong.

This is not a thing.

This is not going to be a thing.

It's not okay when we're mean to me on the show.

To call that.

Right.

Okay.

Lowly justice and the

opinion

is actually.

Let the wrong man speak.

Everyone shut the fuck up.

I'm right all the goddamn time.

Here's what I'll say.

Once you start playing in Looney Tunes World, you got to keep playing in Looney Tunes World.

You have established this already.

So I actually am pro these players to maybe people's surprise.

Because I think you already introduced, you had the rooster come out and give a solv story about wanting a family.

You had, I think, the right instinct to kind of be like, you know, you want this player to still have things to do.

Being polymorphed in an animal does not mean that you then have to run like a Riverdale-esque drama with a bunch of chickens.

And you've done that, so you have to keep going.

But you're onto something here with a sexy Charlotte's Webb, I'm sure.

Yeah, really make that work.

Oh, wow.

Oh, Charlotte's Webby.

No, they'll just call it Charlotte.

Yes.

That's cool.

Yeah.

Oh, and it takes place in Charlotte, North Carolina.

Why?

That's fucking nice.

Instead, it's like a girl, but she represents Charlotte of Charlotte's web.

Oh, or it's called Charlotte's web but it's like she's a

seen on her phone no i think no charlotte charlotte is i think we got to stick to the book a little bit charlotte was murdered and now they're uncovering what happens a web of lies yes

oh my gosh and when she and it also takes place in charlotte when she wins a lot yeah it also takes place in charlotte good charlotte doesn't soundtrack oh good charlotte yeah of course you got it oh sick yeah um i think this is incredible i don't believe i don't remember what show we're doing right now but this is this is an incredible idea.

Oh, yes.

This is Turtle Tank now.

Yeah, let's lock that down.

Let's glaze this idea real quick.

For all of my Jake eggs.

But what are your guys' wrong opinions?

I actually,

I agree with you until you said polymorphing your player doesn't mean you have to run a Riverdale of animals.

And that's where I actually started to divert from your opinion.

Sure.

Okay.

So I guess I'm a little confused here because she laid the egg.

And did she want the egg to like just miraculously have a baby chicken inside to present to this rooster?

Is that what the role was for?

I think that the rooster would have to.

Oh, yeah.

Or did they fuck?

Did she fuck in chicken forms?

Do chickens fuck?

I don't know how this works.

How?

It's not like.

Does a chicken egg get fertilized?

I don't want to Google do chickens fuck.

You don't have to, man.

I'm telling you, they do.

They certainly do.

Yeah.

No, it's not like they lay and they fuck, man.

The way that she presented it was almost as if like it was fish rules, which you you lay the egg and then the male fish fertilizes it, which I don't think is what's happening here.

Okay.

Okay, wait, I've got the info.

Thank you.

Roosters fertilize hens through a process called cloacal kiss.

This involves the rooster presenting, pressing his cloaca.

I love that prince.

Hen's cloaca transferring sperm.

I'm looking at the cloakal kiss.

It sounds like fucking ami.

It looks like it looks like fucking.

But do we know, though?

Because, like, humans can get inseminated in multiple ways.

Sure, of course.

So like could this A,

can a rooster shoot a load on an A?

Jesus.

I think you need a syringe.

The thing is, it can happen because Jake rolled a nat 20 and a nat 10.

Like the DM set the stakes.

Yeah.

Oh, that's all true.

Yeah.

Why am I not even continuing?

You were like, roll a 20, roll a 10.

And that happened.

And then you can't be big on that.

You're trying to backpedal out and get out on a technicality.

We have always said, in my correct opinion,

I'll say that.

Don't ask for a role for something that you don't want to happen.

Because your players will roll in at 20.

It will happen.

Yeah.

And I think you've got like a really tragic story brewing here where, like, you lay this egg, it starts to hatch, and then like you hug this rooster, you like nuzzle your beaks together, and then all of a sudden you transform back into a human and you're ripped out.

And then you're like, I actually am not attracted to this rooster anymore.

Yeah.

It's a whirlwind of snow.

What about our cloakless kiss?

Yeah.

Can I mean

It was only a kiss.

In that event, if I know DD players, your party's going to have a rooster and a fertilized egg now.

Right.

Oh, yeah.

Yeah.

You're going to scoop them.

That's your family name.

By having like a rooster drama outside and having the polymorph chicken be able to talk to everyone, it's already loony teens, right?

It's like being like, roadrunner Wily Coyote.

Okay, I'll allow you to draw a road on a wall and and run through it, but falling off the cliff after walking on air, that doesn't make any sense.

It's all fucking cartoons.

I hate to say this, DM, but this is Zazlaw behavior trying to shut down the Looney Tunes like this.

Once the Looney Tunes are out of the water tower, you got to let them out.

You got to let them do their thing.

Yes, you have released the Animaniacs from the Warner Tower, right?

And you got to let it run its course.

It's true.

Like, these episodes are only 11 minutes long.

Just let it play out and then get back to work.

I also think that Chloe Colchis sounds sounds like a WB

show.

Well, that can come on after Charlotte's web, which is like a little bit more mainstream.

I feel like Chloe Cle Kiss is maybe not hitting

with audiences as hard.

It needs that Charlotte lead-in.

Yeah, it needs that Charlotte lead-in.

Charlotte was murdered and is left behind a web of clues.

CW presents a show that's for the birds.

Yeah.

So let me be clear.

I would have shut this down, I think, a while back for me.

So I think that we've also set the precedent that if a DM allows too many shenanigans, that is their bed and they do have to lie in it.

You know what I mean?

Because you have to cloakele kiss.

You do have to cloakele kiss this idea.

So I think, unfortunately, as much as we loved all of the stuff you said up top about Jake, and as offended as you were, I'm on the half when Caldwell said that mean thing to me, that was frankly uncalled for.

I do think I have to rule against you and with the players because I think you set it up and it's just like the players are already having fun.

You're already in this cartoon world.

You got to deliver now at this point.

And it's just, what are they going to get out of it?

An egg?

They're going to get a chicken.

Would it be nice?

Like, could we even just sentence them to give Jake their egg now, even though they're a human?

Oh, yeah.

A delayed egg.

Okay.

They have to like care for this little chick.

Yeah.

And I also think that chickens are probably just allowed in medieval taverns.

I think that would probably have just been fine.

Yeah, that's true.

Absolutely.

Do you think that this chicken is going to retain some human memories or maybe be a half-human hybrid?

I think let's just keep it to being

the idea of giving them an egg and then having it hatch and be an abyssal chicken.

Definitely an abyssal chicken.

You could turn this.

If you would like to take this and turn this on your players, you can.

Yeah, I think you can do that.

I mean, it's not fair, but you can.

Yeah,

I think you've got a great new DM NPC named Chicken Boy who's going to be following.

Okay, yeah, I definitely sentence you to Chicken Boy.

To plain Chicken Boy as the NPC that you are stuck ass now.

Where are we going, Mom?

Oh, yeah, you just make the worst NPC in the world watch at you.

Your players won't want it anymore.

And I think you're also sentenced to, you can never target Chicken Boy in battle.

Oh, yeah.

He's immune.

So much plot armor.

Okay, so ordered then, chicken boy DMPC.

Next up, we have Reagan S.

To the benevolent justices and bountiful bailiff, I present before the court the case of slurping a god.

I was playing in my first long-term campaign.

The main plot of the campaign was to find godlike creatures that represent the elements called Janasi in this homebrew world.

Cool.

We had to find them before the BBEG could find them and steal their power.

After finding one of the Janasi who represented wind and wisdom, he gave us a large exposition on the Janasi themselves and how they worked to uphold the balance of the world.

Once the Janasi had finished dropping all this juicy fantasy world lore, he suddenly and with no warning turned himself into a chalice.

The chalice was just sitting there on the throne in the middle of the room.

Nothing else was happening.

After some deliberation from our party, I went up to the chalice, saw that there was some glowing liquid inside, and decided to drink it.

When the DM asked how much, I said about a quarter of it.

After consuming the godly goo, I was told that my character's head reared back and my mouth opened to release the sounds of a thousands upon thousands of screams.

It was after this that my character was pronounced dead, with no roles of any kind made.

I assumed this cup was meant for me as a large part of my character was about collecting knowledge.

And at an earlier part in the campaign, our group solved a riddle by answering what our biggest strength was my character's correct answer was wisdom i ask you judges was it a sin to slurp or was i good to gulp

ps my character was later revived and this campaign was spectacular but we still do argue about the decision to drink the divine juice almost five years later wow i think you were good to gulp yeah g2g yeah yeah i think my biggest issue with this uh is that why would you be drinking a wind god that's not something that you drink.

I don't understand why

I think wisdom could be associated with wind gods, wisdom, sure, yeah.

I could see that it was like an air genasi, so it is like, why you should smoke that god for sure, right?

Or inhale it through a balloon, yeah,

yeah, one's maybe cooler than the other, but we can agree.

You see, the god transforms into a paint can.

What do you do?

Uh, I guess I suck up the balloon.

I don't feel any different.

Uh, yeah, so I think the weirdest thing about all of this is just the god abruptly turning into a chalice and there your DM whomping you through nothing.

Yeah, I almost wondered from based on how it went down, like because they asked you, how much did you drink, rather than being like, are you sure you want to do that?

Or rather than expressing any surprise, it makes me wonder if this was a setup.

Yeah.

Well, you also didn't drink that much when the DM said, how much did you drink?

You said a quarter of it.

Yeah.

That's like not a lot.

I would have been like, I drank the whole fucking thing.

You just left a chalice where I thought I was supposed to.

I'm supposed to drink deep from wisdom.

Yeah.

Communions with gods are like a thing in religion.

Yeah.

No save, just the scream of a thousand.

You got to do a save.

And I think that a lot of DMs, I think in the interest of avoiding or out of fear of trying to avoid metagaming, don't set up stakes properly.

And it's almost always

better to add the gameplay into it because then everyone knows what the buy-in is and stuff like that.

It's like, you're going to drink from this chalice.

Okay.

This is going to be a pretty profound wisdom saving throw to handle this rush of wisdom in the gods.

And I'm telling you right now, there is a chance this will result in death.

And that would be like a big moment at the table.

Yeah.

Everyone like, you know, sweaty palms deciding if like you can handle this.

And then you try to make a save.

And then if your character dies or something bad happens, it feels cool as opposed to this bullshit, which is like, there's no way of knowing what you're supposed to do with this chalice.

It just appeared out of nowhere.

And then apparently you weren't supposed to drink it and you don't even get a save.

This is like the worst of all worlds.

Your death is just narrated to you.

Yeah.

Yeah, exactly.

I'm trying to wrap my head around if there's ever a time where it's funny to be like, your character dies.

Just nothing.

Where it's earned.

Like, is it just if a player does something so nuts that you're like,

I mean, a power word kill technically kind of does that if you have less than 100 HP.

Well, I'm not talking about a spell.

I'm talking about like a moment in which a DM could do that.

Is there an earned one?

The closest thing is campaign one.

What happened to Beverly's character?

Did Murph make you roll a...

He let you roll.

But I think that, I think that, and also Murph rolled the damage.

Yeah.

Rolled the damage of falling.

Yeah, you did a death save to not get thrown off of the tower.

And then we rolled all the damage.

I was like, and that was me setting up the stakes.

Even at that time, I was like a newer DM, but I was like, if I just say Beverly is dead, everyone at the table will be mad at me.

All of the listeners will be mad at me.

But it will be this tense situation if I'm like, hey, Bev's got 40 HP.

If he takes 80 damage, he's dead flat.

And that makes it more.

Yeah.

We set the stakes there.

Yeah, yeah.

And also, like, you gave me multiple chances

to not do that.

Verbally, yeah, true.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Multiple warnings.

Yeah.

And then you did, you let me roll for it.

There was like a deck save.

Yeah.

Yeah.

It was very fair.

This had like 12 strikes.

This would be like if the bev equivalent of that would be like trying to huff the god while the god was still there.

And I still think I would give bev a constitution saving throw.

I'd be like, Bev swallowed the god.

Yeah.

Now bev needs to make a constitution.

And it's not out of the question.

Like a god made of wind that is like the embodiment of wisdom's like, yeah, I'm going to try and smoke that shit.

Yeah.

Try to smoke the god, and then you have to do a really hard wisdom saving throw.

Yeah.

I get one of those weed volcanoes and I get the god in the little bag trying to inhale it.

You know what might be true, too, is that oftentimes, and this is not always the case, but oftentimes it's more fun to play a character that has been cursed by their own actions than to just re-roll a new character because the character died from their own actions because it's such a good learning moment.

I feel like it kind of set Beth on a weird path.

Yeah,

yeah, give you guys an excuse to like go to the next city to go to later on where your family's from.

Yes, but you know, as far as this, yeah, not giving your players any hint as to what to do sucks.

And it should have been a tempting thing.

It should have been like, I can give you this, but it may come with some kind of side effects, or you may not survive.

And like, good luck getting your players to interact with anything you put in front of them from now on.

Yeah, I would just never touch anything.

Literally, I would just never touch anything ever again.

Oh, will I just be dead?

I'll have to roll a new card.

Oh, there's a sword in the stone.

Is lightning just going to shoot out of the sky and hit it like a lightning rod?

And then I'm just going to fucking die for no reason.

The sword stays in the the sword.

Because you love to do that.

Why didn't you drink the sword?

I'm gonna go to drink the sword.

I'm gonna talk to the chickens outside of the fucking tavern.

I'm gonna go get a coital kid.

Coikle kids.

Cloicle kids.

Okay, so are we ruling against the DM and in favor of the submitter?

I believe so.

Yeah.

Wow.

Okay, so now we must sentence this DM.

Okay.

We could give them a chicken boy, too.

That's true.

True.

Well, no, that's kind of a punishment for Reagan, though, the player.

Oh, true, yeah.

Yeah.

Maybe, you know, there was a PS included that this campaign was spectacular and that the character was later revived.

So we should take that into consideration.

No, I refuse.

You know what?

You know, this DM cannot be trusted with liquids.

No more liquids.

Really?

No more liquids in this DM.

We got to do dry DMing.

It's kind of a death sentence.

The only way that they can drink water is if it's frozen and it melts in the middle.

Yeah, there you go.

This DM is not allowed to describe it.

It cannot be trusted.

I'm going to give you some ice.

I'm going to give you some ice.

Yeah.

Don't tell me what happens with it.

Yeah.

I'm going to give you some ice.

Here's some ice advice.

You can only have ice chips during DMing.

Yeah.

All right.

You're not allowed to hydrate while you DM.

You can have water by yourself, but that's it.

Dehydration and ice chips it is.

Next up from Tommy, esteemed justices and slippery little minks of a bailiff, I present to you the case of, oops, you killed your dad.

I am DMing for a group that has been playing for six years now.

They're brilliant, and I couldn't ask for better players.

The following case is not a real issue, but would still appreciate you weighing in to settle things once and for all.

My players made a mortal enemy of a Rakshasa.

The monster has three relevant abilities to this case.

A shapeshifting ability, the ability to cast detect thoughts and dominate person, and the ability to regenerate when killed.

My players killed Kaya, the Rakshasa, and learned she would regenerate and fixate on destroying them.

She knew about one of the player's family from earlier in the campaign, so my players started a compound to keep their family safe.

They designated passcodes to try to spot the shapeshifter, but they didn't know she had detect thoughts.

So she staked out the place, learned the passcode with Detect Thoughts, and shapeshifted into the Paladin's dad.

We jump forward and the two dads meet in the compound where Kaya, fake dad, used dominate person on Mr.

Krillin, the real dad.

A few moments after, my players walk in, see two dads, and rightfully panic.

Trying to avoid a Spider-Man meme situation, my players ask for the passcode, but Kaya compels Mr.

Krillin to say the wrong phrase.

The Paladin immediately smites and kills his dad.

This makes Kaya so delighted, she shapeshifts back into her normal form and an epic battle ensues.

Mr.

Krillin was revived, the paladin got to play out a very fun, angsty arc after committing patricide, and Kaya was restrained and eventually petrified, which is how she still is to this day.

Amazing.

I think the logic tracks for all of this, and my players begrudgingly agree, but they maintain that it was sociopathic of me to trick my paladin into killing their dad.

Was this all justified for the plot, or should I maybe start journaling and reflecting on myself?

I await your infallible judgment.

This rocks.

NPCs are there for you to kill them.

Yeah.

Okay.

Yeah.

This is some A plus D and D.

Yay!

Yes.

I think you got to have some sociopathic tendencies if you're going to DM right.

I mean, it is a bad guy.

It got a big reaction out of your players, and that's what you want.

Yeah.

That's evil shit.

That is absolutely evil, heinous shit that your bad guy did.

And that's what bad guys do.

Yeah.

And I'm sure then your players felt more invested.

And that's their backstory and stuff.

It's also like a gift to your players to kind of give them a tragic backstory and to give them motivation.

You know what I mean?

And an angsty arc with their dad.

I mean, that's the dream.

That's what DD is all about.

Ultimately, they were able to revive the character as well.

So ultimately, no harm, no foul.

There are, you know, I'm quasi-kidding when I say NPCs are just there for you to kill because, like, you can be a bummer if you're just constantly killing all of the players' companions.

But every once in a while, there do need to be stakes, right?

Yeah.

If you're playing in a game with like, you know, some level of mortality.

I could see how this would like would go bad after you had set up the compound and the lengths this character had gone to protect their family.

But since it all worked out, you petrified

somebody and the dad came back.

It's perfect.

Maybe it's worth asking the players, like, next time they're razzing you about this, kind of be like, okay, but do you think that the highs were higher because of how low this low was for you guys?

I would imagine they would agree.

Yeah.

I think you need to keep up this mystique.

Like your players fear you.

They speak about you in hushed whispers.

They would never say something like, let's get Murph's shitty opinion out of me.

Right?

They would never say that.

Too much respect to ever say that.

You're begrudged and beloved.

Yeah.

It's been too long since I've been flung off a tower.

Yeah.

I think this is all above the board.

This logic all completely makes sense.

Yeah, I think so too.

It's just so cinematic hearing it back.

Like wandering into a room and seeing your dad fighting your dad, you can't get better than that.

Yeah.

I also kind of think, like, when they kill your parents in DD, you're like, thank you.

Yeah.

Thanks for giving my character something.

You see me.

Yeah,

it's Star Wars.

You know, Luke's got to leave the farm behind.

Okay, so then we're ruling in favor of this DM.

We're ruling in favor of this DM.

That's good because we were anti-DM the past two cases.

That's true.

That's true.

We're beginning to get a reputation.

The pendulum swings back.

Because, yeah, I'll say, DM, this scenario was a chef's glowacle kiss really yeah wow that's awesome

oh my gosh keep at it that absolutely rocks okay so how would you like to punish this players um well they revived their father npc uh so we do have to kill that npc oh you want to double

we have to kill him you're going to kill this

you have to rat con

killing mr krillin you have to ratcon

too harsh she's going

back

dirt, guys.

Just

make the rules that Caesar there too.

Just banish him to another bird.

No, he has to go in the fucking dirt.

I don't like, this isn't my decision.

It just came to me.

Okay.

Yeah.

And he has to like fall down some stairs.

It can't be epic.

Yeah.

Whoa.

Yeah.

A sad permadeath.

Yeah.

A sad anticlimactic permadeath for Mr.

Krillin.

It is.

Wow.

Sorry.

Yeah.

His last words have to be whoops.

Yeah.

Yeah.

And then you have to coldly look at your players and be like, what?

You said I was mean.

You said I was ruthless.

And now I am.

And now I am.

And now I have become everything you say.

So ordered.

Next up, we've got Jen.

Hello!

They wrote it in a really

great.

Where does cannibalism begin or end for humanoid creatures?

If you served Aracockrel wings at a tavern, is that cannibalism?

The tavern in question that served the wings was a perfectly normal, standard tavern

without a larger plot or mystery.

We had wrapped up the ark nice and neat.

The wings were never mentioned again.

I'm team, that's cannibalism, but I'm the one who got called weird and razzed at the table.

Judges, popes, now philosophers.

I ask, where does cannibalism begin or end for humanoid creatures?

At the term humanoid, humanoid, right?

Moving on.

I I think this one is open and shut, cut and dry.

Yeah.

Suck on your ice chips.

Yeah, just a six foot tall bird man that can speak to you about like his family.

It's weird that your character has a problem with that.

This would be the same problem if you use Chicken Boy's wings.

It's just not okay.

Yeah.

And Chicken Boy is like, I think, personally, I think he's less than humanoid.

But more than chicken, if that more than avian, if that makes sense.

He's an abomination.

Yeah.

He has no place in this world, in this natural world.

I think he sounds like he has the instinct to speak, but lacks the tongue to do so.

Hungry!

Like that.

Yeah, this is just, I'm looking at a picture of an Aracochra.

This is

a guy.

This is absolutely just a dude.

I mean, it's a bird, dude, but

it's fully.

I'll pull one up and see if the wings look tasty.

Oh, they don't look good.

They're like all feather and bone.

An Arococra arm is what would be tasty.

That's what's got the muscle and flesh.

Yeah.

I don't know that I'd want to eat a human arm either because it just looks like this dude's got a human arm.

I think that's what it would be.

I think that's the thing.

You would be eating.

Yeah.

They ate arms.

They ate arms.

This was a wrongful razzing.

This was for sure a wrongful rousing.

Do you think that this player was just trying to bait us into being pro-Arocra this time around?

Yeah, they might be.

Whoa, if so, bait take it.

So you won.

Although I've softened my stance on AeroCockras recently.

Really?

Yeah.

After journaling and personal growth.

After journaling and personal growth.

No, I think I, at first, when I was first DMing, I was like, being able to fly right away is too much.

But then I'm like, I would just shoot them with arrows.

Yeah.

I would just, you would just be like, haha, I jump over the wall of this castle.

It's just like, cool.

They shoot you with a fucking ballista and you're level one.

I do all.

I do all my death saves.

I say to my party, please eat my wings.

Sustain yourselves.

My last cloakle kiss.

May I recommend a bourbon maple?

Back to Grey Google.

Do Aracockras fuck or do they do Cloakle kisses?

Oh, yeah.

Do AeroCochra.

I missed the Cloakle kiss of my wife.

Please tell her I love her.

Eat my wings.

Okay, so we have to punish these other players.

Yeah.

And the DM.

The DM really is the one who put the Erica.

Quite literally, put the Eric Ocker away.

Yeah, and I think the most egregious thing here is that it was just a regular tavern.

Right.

If you wanted to be like, here are the bad guys who are feeding you people.

Yeah.

I guess you can, I guess you can decide to do that.

There's also other fantasy animals you could have chosen.

You could have been like, oh, yeah, it's Griffin Wings.

That's maybe a little more kosher.

I don't know.

Not much.

Or truly anyone from Charlotte's Web.

CW is Charlotte's West.

CW is Charlotte's West.

Charlotte.

Whatever that chicken in that's name was.

Filmed in Charlotte for the tax break of North Carolina.

Yes.

It's so confusing.

People are constantly like, wait, is it called Charlotte because of the city?

Or because of the band doing the soundtrack?

All, all of it.

All of it.

It's a Charlotte-based chicken.

Yeah.

It takes place at

UNC.

Yeah.

What were we talking about before we started?

to punish the either the players or the dm or both who all thought that it was not cannibalism to eat the air properly i guess they have to feed them arms is that what yeah i mean okay i would they'll love it they'll love it

that's a cloudy sky man

honestly i'm with jake we've we've sent in some insane stuff no no this is too much it's too much they need to wear they need to wear a pin with a bird guy on it and with the message, this is a person.

And

they need to stare at themselves in the mirror and look at the bird guy and read the sentence out loud 56 times and say, This is a person, this is a person, this is a person.

I think they learn.

It's rare to have a punishment where it's the DM and some of the players.

So that's the best one.

We're all razzing.

When there's a wrongful razzing, there's a wrongful razzing.

Yeah.

There's a lot of piling on it.

Okay.

So ordered.

You got to share pins with a bird that say this is a person on it.

Coming to the NATPOD merch store soon.

The copywritten photo of the very serious Eric Akra guy holding a staff.

Ooh, and maybe

it has glow in the dark, but not

visible when it's not dark.

Cloakle kiss.

Oh, wow.

It's like a secret message.

Right.

So you only see it when you're out at night.

Yeah.

It says, don't eat that bird.

They might be cloakal kissing their wife.

If birds aren't people, why do they fuck?

That's the other pin.

That's the alt pin.

Order.

You can wear that one at night.

You can wear that one to bed.

Oh, my God.

That scares the shit out of me sleeping with a pin on.

Do you have to wear a pin on your pajamas?

That's terrifying.

It's not, I mean, it's not terrifying.

The pin doesn't really

unhook.

It might unhook.

Yeah, it might unhook.

It's not going to unhook.

I don't know.

I'm a thrashy sleeper.

I was going to say,

you know, that I'm an active sleeper.

Yeah, that's true.

I still think you wouldn't pop a pin and stab yourself.

I think it would be uncomfortable just because you don't want to have a pin on.

I don't think it would be that dangerous.

Well, these players in the DM are going to find out.

Yeah, I guess.

They're going to find out.

Let us know.

How scary is it?

Okay.

Wow.

So ordered.

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Hey there, Nadpoles.

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Thanks, everybody.

Next up from Luke W.

If it pleases the judges, may I introduce the case of Jaguar Johnny, the the PC who has never been hit and never missed a shot

our story begins when the DM sounds like he sucks

someone thinks this character rules but I can assure you he sucks not someone Luke W oh no

no you're a submitter

Our story begins when the DM tells us he is running a very deadly one-shot.

Okay.

So we best bring overpowered characters to the table.

Comedic character conceits are also encouraged.

Okay.

With this in mind, I create Jaguar Johnny.

Oh, Johnny is a hyper-serious, gruff and tough human battle master fighter, as well as a staunch flat Fae runer and magic denier.

In the first combat, I shoot my crossbow and do not meet the creature's AC.

The DM announces how Jaguar Johnny misses with his shot.

It is at this point I correct him and introduce my character's jokey flavor.

Canonically, Johnny never misses a shot and has never been hit by an enemy.

When he misses a creature, he is actually hitting them, but failing to damage, i.e., striking shield or armor.

When he loses HP, he is not getting hit, but instead getting fatigued from the battle.

My DM vehemently protests that this is unfair for JJ to be an untouchable badass who never misses.

I respond, flavor is free.

Johnny follows all the rules of D and D, so why can't I flavor him however I want?

It's silly and preposterous, but we are encouraged to make funny characters.

My DM argues flavor for your character is free, but if your flavor is that all the other PCs suck compared to yours, now you're flavoring their PCs.

The debate rages.

Other players also have stupid, jokey character concepts for this one shot, and they have no problem with Johnny's flavor.

Ultimately, we compromise, and that day is the first day Jaguar Johnny suffers the ignominy of missing.

But our beef continues to this day.

The DM roasts me to the other players, calling me a problem player.

Am I entitled to free flavor for this silly one-shot where comedic characters are encouraged, or is describing your character as unhittable and with perfect aim, even as a joke, a dick move?

I throw myself at the mercy of the court.

Okay, here's where I apologize to Murph because he's clearly right about this one.

Okay,

so yeah, yeah, this is.

I do think it is a funny character concede that you came up with, and it was for

I would say this is the perfect scenario to do it.

I do, yeah, there is part of me that likes Jaguar John

because just the idea of a character that follows mechanics, so like he could shoot his crossbow until he is so tired that he dies because

the idea that he never gets hit doesn't like him taking damage.

I get his logic.

He's like, he's flipping out of the way, so it tires him.

So he's not being hit, but he can still die.

The thing I don't like about it, it is a funny conceit, but...

I think what ends up happening here is that this player is doing a lot of narrating on their own.

Yeah.

It probably gets in the way of the flow of the game a little bit.

And you could have pitched this to a DM who was like, yeah, I love that flavor and wants to embrace that.

But I think ultimately you're probably in the wrong because your DM said, I am not on board with what you're asking me to name.

Yeah, it is also objectively hilarious in a game with Tabaxi to name your human Jaguar Johnny.

Why is he a fucking Jaguar Johnny?

I was picturing it, Chester the Cheetos.

Yeah, same.

Yeah, I picture everyone meeting Jaguar Johnny and being like, whoa, not what I pictured.

So that's very funny.

I think this is a very funny goof, but I think it's funnier if you just, the first time you miss, you're like, oh, that's never happened before.

Yeah, I was going to say the compromise doesn't sound bad.

That sounds funny.

because you can still flavor it as like jackwork johnny not thinking he's been hit like getting stabbed to get out of the way and bleeding and being that was close

yeah that's also really funny full denial is good yeah yeah like the fucking brash confidence i yeah i definitely get what you're saying where it's like you're following the uh mechanics and flavor is free but your dm i think is also right in that your dm is a player and if your dm wanted to have because we have stupid characters we have dumb stuff happen, but there are moments where I'm like, I would like this bad guy to seem like kind of a bad guy and actually do something.

And if one of you guys were just like, oh, the finger of death spell actually just makes hard one shit himself, I'd be like, stop.

You can't do that.

That's not.

The arrow stuck in his helmet.

While the finger of death spell doesn't actually kill him, the fact that it scares him so much and he shits so much that he drowns in his own shit.

What actually kills him?

And that's the epic way I want him to go out.

So I think we can all are we all on board here that Jaguar Johnny rocks.

I love Jaguar Johnny.

You do have to rule against you.

Yeah, I think Jaguar Johnny had a chance if you went to your DM ahead of time.

So the DMA.

That's kind of a good call, right?

It was like a big thing to surprise him.

Although the DM, the devil's advocate, Johnny's advocate,

rarely I would have

never guessed.

Well, I'm saying when the DM sets themselves up like this, where it's just like jokey characters, encourage bring it on, bring on your worst, essentially.

It's like combination, all right.

That joke's actually veto.

Yeah,

this is a little bit the cloakle kiss situation of like once you've just opened up the floodgates, you kind of can't put it all back in.

That being said, that being said, unkiss a cloak.

I think, I think, had the DM had a problem with you calling yourself Jaguar Johnny and saying that you never missed and having this cocky attitude, if the DM had a problem with that, they would be wrong.

But I think the DMs within their rights to be like you can't just deny what i'm saying is happening happens ultimately ultimately i do think we have to rule with the dm here as much as much as we like jaguar johnny jaguar johnny unfortunately is going to get hit by us well

i mean like like with a hit with a ruling yeah and we're going to hit on jaguar johnny because we love him yeah that's true

okay what would you like to sentence jaguar johnny's gonna have to sleep with a bunch of pins on him

whoa cp gets hit by one of them so fucking scary to me.

I can't believe it does.

Unfully pinned pins.

Unfully pinned pins.

He's got to sleep.

Hey, sorry.

I make the rules.

No.

I mean, I do, but I don't.

We're going to put a pin with his attack bonus, a pin with his AC on it.

He's got to sleep with those.

Yeah, yeah.

And we'll see.

You, if you never get hit.

We'll see.

So ordered.

Next up from Pookie.

Thank you, Bailiff Oxford.

Just a nice, really,

really nice Emily.

He's really worthy this, Jake.

No one ever thanked me.

She whizzed to the honorable justices Murphy, Tanner, and Jake Kurwitz.

I think that's your name.

Okay, I bring to you the case of

my.

Oh, sorry, they spelled it Jay Kurwitz.

I see.

Okay, that's off.

Yeah.

That's close enough.

I bring to you the case of my loot that I made for me.

A few years ago, I was playing in a campaign DM'd by my housemate at the time.

One day, while he was prepping, he asked me if there was any magical items I was interested in.

I asked if we could homebrew something that would allow my Era Cakra, Shadow Monk, to use a flurry of blows at range.

Together, we agreed upon a set of gauntlets that could rapid-fire shuriken in place of punches.

Cool.

Cut to the end of our next session, and the party stumbles upon some loot.

There was one item for each party member, each intended for their respective class.

A spellbook for the wizard, a bow for the ranger, etc.

The DM described my cool gauntlets, and another player excitedly called Dibs.

In character, I suggested that maybe I could make pretty good use of those.

She responded somewhat dejectedly with, but I got them first.

Now, out of character, I explained that I literally designed them for me.

They're intended for my character, and one of these other things is meant for you.

I got my thing, she got hers, but she seemed disappointed.

Additionally, this is also almost certainly metagaming.

Judges, was I wrong to metagame and insist on getting my tailor-made loot?

Or should I have stayed in character and let my gauntlets go?

Love, Pookie.

This is the first time I think anyone said love.

And that's nice.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Never happened to me.

Never happened to me.

We've been doing D ⁇ D Core for a while now.

I'm ready to commit.

Okay, so this one's interesting.

I think saying dibs and just grabbing magic items is weird.

I do find it really difficult.

Like, maybe this is from performing DD, but I do find it very difficult.

Whenever the DM hands out magic items, I'm always like, Who's this for?

I don't want to touch it.

We have the opposite table.

We have the opposite table.

Something cool happens.

They're like, Is that for somebody else?

Yeah, we try to dole it out.

We're sitting there with like a sword and just being like, Is this uh, does anyone use one-handed uh slashing?

Like, I could, but also, maybe, but also, this has it has shield of faith.

So, for a paladin, is that you, Bev?

Or I could never.

Yeah,

I'm not worthy.

Yeah, which ultimately I feel like that is kind of how the table should play.

I also understand why this player was put in an awkward position because it is fun to work with your DM on stuff.

I was going to say it's maybe a little bit overkill to completely like design something with your player and DM, but I think we have kind of done that.

Yeah, I think that's fun because you also have to, you don't know necessarily all of the abilities that some of your players have.

I've done that before, like, and been like, hey, like, what do you want to like lean into more with your character right you know and like so that i can make sure that i give something that makes sense for that and also this doesn't feel the most overpowered it's just giving them a range option for their flurry of blows yeah yeah which sounds like fun and it doesn't sound overpowered right yeah i think that maybe it's the dm's responsibility to step in a little bit here oh yeah that's what i'm wondering like that is interesting yeah if i was the dm in this situation i would be like go ahead and roll me an insight check You see that these have the same symbol as this character.

It's monk order.

Yeah, I was going to say, I don't even know that I would leave it to an insight check.

I would be like, as you reach for it, the god that the Arab

worship

blazes across the street.

Yeah, would just like not fit the player, you know what I mean?

Or not fit the person who yelled dibs.

Yeah, they're covered in feathers, dumbass.

Yeah, this fits winged fists.

Yeah, the dibs thing is weird the dm not stepping in and making you kind of describe anything everything is is kind of strange although there are like random treasure tables so i can understand being like oh this is all just like random shit especially like a less experienced player that's true which is why i do think that the onus does fall even though the dm on the dm right on the dm even though the dm like worked collaboratively with this player to make them awesome loot yeah and should they also needed to defend yeah this might be mostly the dm's fault

i think so because my read on the player that called Dibs too is like, they might not have been like annoyed that you got the gauntlets.

They might have just been like a little shy that they called Dibs.

Yeah.

You know, basically

social faux pas at the table.

Yeah.

Which I think also goes up to the DM.

Yeah.

And it also might, I don't want to extrapolate too much from the little information that we have, but it is possible if you designed these gauntlets or something that maybe you don't want to play that like role play that too hard where you're just like oh these are for me you know what i mean

because it is you know there is a metagaming aspect to it that's okay we've definitely done stuff like this we've talked about i think it's more fun yeah to like make it personal yes yeah it makes your character invested in the game yeah i think that's just like good world building i would also say this that putting it on the dm a little bit sorry to pick up

who maybe because personalize lose you are setting up this confusion, right?

By just being like, here's a random stash of treasure, and you are just allowing your players to kind of call dibs on it.

You very easily could have been like, right, narrate which person finds it.

Right.

While you're sleeping that night or something, like you get a sign that this, there's this thing, like, or while this character is by themselves, they find it.

Or have everyone roll their own investigation checks.

The Aricakra finds the gauntlets over here.

This person finds their thing, you know?

This didn't need to be left up to interpretation.

You know what they also could have done, too?

Is like, let's say they're in over their head.

The player has just said dibs.

The DM is like, shit, how do I stop this?

Easy way to solve it later, first time they put on the gauntlets.

Oh, give me a constitution save.

Wow.

If they fail, you're dead.

A thousand screens or something.

A thousand back of your head.

Tiny needles hidden in the gauntlets.

You weren't supposed to wear the gloves.

And Jaguar Johnny drops dead.

Yeah, it's true.

There are like, now that I'm thinking about it, there are like three times that the DM could have stopped this from happening.

I think so.

Yeah.

This is one of the things that a DM does at the table is like make sure that there isn't confusion that leads to awkwardness between the parties.

And I get it.

DMs have to do a lot, but you are kind of, you know, the metaphor would be like you're hosting a party, right?

So like you just by default do have to do a little bit more work.

Yeah, when you hear someone call dibs, that should be like DM like activated in my brain yeah settle this yeah i have to figure this out though at the same time i could picture them having a stack of notes and just being like these are the items you find and then the players talk while they're going over the notes for what's going to happen then in which case they miss this entire interaction yeah the giant worm that's about to swallow them all one chamber over yeah maybe the dm should have like a little fly swatter uh and whenever somebody does this they can just be like no no no and they should give him like a little a little tap yeah a little tap on the just a tap.

Yeah.

Just a tap with it.

Don't not be swatting your play.

Borderline flirty.

Yeah.

Right.

If it's pink, it can have some frills on it.

Maybe it's got a little pom-pom at the end, so maybe it's perfect.

Hydosexual.

A cloakal tap.

That sounds medical.

Yeah.

You do need to say naughty in a British accent.

You know what?

I do think we're giving too much of a generous read to the player saying dibs.

That's weird.

I think it's strange.

Yeah, but it could be a new player.

Yeah, true.

I guess.

And like Caldwell said, like, there's often random loot.

I guess it depends on what character I was playing.

If I was playing like Zudrick or something, there was like a bird-focused thing.

I would just be like, dibs, absolutely dibs on that.

But that's based off of, oh, this.

Right.

Yeah, yeah.

I could see in Hot Boy Summer, I could see Hungry Dave calling dibs on something that's clearly not his.

I mean, I would hope that you guys would, but I also feel like Hot Boy Summer is breaking all the rules.

Yeah, I guess.

Hot Boy Summer is we learned all the rules and then Hot Boy Summer made intentionally.

Yeah,

we're scrolling dibs on my guitar.

Yeah.

Yeah.

It could also have been a confusion of like maybe this character is like a fighter or something like that.

And so they're like, oh, I want gauntlets to be able to punch people or something like that.

Okay.

So are you guys thinking sentence the DM?

I think sentence the DM.

Just the DM?

Okay.

I'll do that to sentence the bed.

We could do a little sentence to just one pin to bed.

Oh, that's a nice idea.

Just one pin to bed.

So the DM is wearing long pajamas with pins everywhere.

Everywhere.

Long pajamas made of pins.

Oh, my God.

You got to wear chainmail to bed.

Yes.

Pin, chainmail.

Pin, chainmail.

To bed.

That is and one random pin is unhooked.

Oh, we don't know which one.

We'll never know.

We won't know which one.

Oh, you'll know.

You'll find out.

Maybe it's the pin you got for reading all those books in sixth grade.

Who knows?

Ooh.

Okay.

Chainmail, footy pajamas.

Jeez.

Footy pajama.

Coming soon to the Nad Pod store.

Okay.

and with that, shall we move into church?

Yes, I'm ready.

I meet Coakle Christ.

S writes to the high priests of Dice Christ.

I come before you with a confession not on my behalf, but upon my entire parties.

Wow.

I have been DMing for a group of my college friends for several years now.

The party was in the middle of a tournament arc, and we had to take a short break for the finale.

During the break, my birthday passed.

High priests.

What?

All of my players forgot this, despite several social media posts from mutual friends.

I let this go, but Dice Christ did not.

In the next session, my players felt the wrath of Dice Christ.

They rolled not one, not two, not three, but seven natural ones.

They struggled all night to roll above a 10.

Meanwhile, I rolled five crits, downing multiple players.

The party ended up losing a six versus three fight, which lost them a critical magic item.

High priests, I ask, what must my players do to redeem themselves in the eyes of Jice Christ?

We humbly await your holy judges.

This is not a confession.

You're just mad at your friends that they forgot your birthday.

It is a religious consultation.

True.

It's a religious consultation.

I'm going to come down with a MRF flavor take here.

Okay.

I think as an adult, it's your responsibility to let people know it's your birthday.

I think that as soon as you're like out of college, you are done with birthdays.

You have to like take on the birthday burden yourself.

Maybe if you've got a significant other, it becomes their problem a little bit.

But I do think that when you're an adult, you got to be like, hey, we're hanging out.

It's my birthday.

You got to be excited about it.

You got to reclaim the birthday a little bit.

Yeah, is it?

Well, it said, did it say they were in college or that they'd been playing since they were in college?

Because I think if you're in college, you're still kind of a kid.

So it is kind of like, yeah, you get the pass.

I have been DMing for a group of my college friends for several years now.

Okay.

But also, in career, you should know.

Maybe out of college, who knows?

I think if you're in college, then that makes sense that your friends still need to remember your birthday.

The second people start having kids or nieces and nephews, it's like, cool, all of my birthday energy goes to the children remembering their birthdays.

Yeah, I understand this.

Like, I pretty much last week I asked Suze.

I was like, how old am I turning in a month?

It's just, it gets harder the older you get.

Yeah, I ask Jill that all the time.

And now I kind of know because now we know because we're all about to be 40.

Right.

Yeah.

Or not Caldwell.

Caldwell.

You're about to turn 39.

Wow, he's so young.

I'm a spring chicken ready.

Well, here's showing how, here's how little we know about each other's birthdays.

Caldwell, yours is like around now, right?

It's coming up.

It's so soon.

It's soon, right?

And I'm going to be so pissed.

I don't know when.

I just know it's soon.

It's May 19th.

There we go.

Really?

That's later than I thought.

I was going to guess late April.

Oh.

But that's, yeah.

We absolutely could be hanging out on May 19th, and I would have no idea.

I think we've recorded on your birthday, and I was like, oh, fuck.

Yeah, that's too certain.

Yeah.

Yeah.

I think we've recorded on all of our birthdays.

It's totally forgivable.

As families get bigger, like your birthday registry, your birthday decks get like overloaded.

We are old, though.

You have to prioritize, in my opinion, it's just you have to prioritize the kids because it means so much to them.

Yeah.

And then also, like, they come out with a new Pokemon game, and then you learn all the new Pokemon names, and that's just going to

push out.

Yeah, you're right.

I'm with Galdwell.

I think your birthday is your responsibility.

That's your day.

Yeah.

Wait, can you guys pinpoint what year?

Because maybe that will be helpful because we don't know the age of this person.

Is there an age?

Or is there literally college, right?

Because when you're in college, that's when you're meeting all new people.

When you're living with your friends, you're like, I'm around you all the time.

Yeah, you're right.

I'm going to be generous.

I'm going to be generous and say 26.

Up until your 25th birthday, you're allowed to have friends remember it.

And if they don't, you can get miffed.

I think 26 is like when that magic starts to play.

But when you're a kid in like elementary school and stuff,

they're like, everyone stop.

It's Caldwell's birthday.

He can hand out a cupcake to everyone.

There are like calendars on the wall at school.

Like, these are the birthdays.

Exactly.

But this is what I'm saying.

I think that we need to bring that back.

I think, like, as an adult, you're responsible for bringing cupcakes because everyone likes eating a cupcake.

Your parents make a big deal out of your birthday, which then makes your friends make a big deal out of your birthday when you're a kid because they all know about it

because your parents are like inviting them to like your birthday party or whatever.

And then as you get older, Caldwell's right.

You do have to kind of take responsibility for your own birthday, right?

Yeah.

So anyway, you're going to hell.

Yeah.

Wait, but there was a very real consequence on the dice rolls.

True.

This person, S wasn't even writing in saying, I'm mad at my friends.

They were writing in saying the dice were punishing the friends.

The dice were mad.

Yeah.

And what do they have to do to get their friends back at their dice?

I don't know how to get mad at their friends.

Yeah.

I think that like you're letting your negative emotions impact the game and dice Christ.

I don't think this is Dice Christ.

I think maybe the Dice Devil is.

Oh, the Dice Devil was tempting you into this false opinion.

I mean, I guess it depends.

I do have a few friends that if I've known for a long time, that if I didn't give them a call or text them on their birthday, it would be kind of fucked up.

I think we all met as adults, so there is a level of expectation where we're all just like, we all got our own stuff going on, right?

Well, for the record, for the record, me and Murph always remember each other's birthday, but that's because we are married to each other.

Yes, we are married to each other.

That's a loophole.

You should, you are responsible for remembering your partner's birthday.

And I know that Jake's is in August.

Yep.

Okay.

August 5th.

And I know yours is October 3rd.

Fuck.

Wow.

Wow.

Sometimes I do the passports when we travel, so

I've got scammed.

All right.

I only know Murph's because it's so close to Susan.

Yeah, I know Susan's as well.

Emily's is a practical unknown to me.

Yeah.

There's a chance that we're all just bad friends and we're wrong.

I think that's part of it.

That's a huge part of it.

Everyone listening better remember our birthdays, though.

That's a huge part of it, is that we're bad friends and we're wrong.

So take this all with a bigger one.

It's more we're bad friends and we're old.

And so to us, we're just like, it's my birthday.

Who gives a shit?

But like 18-year-olds might really care about their birthdays, you know?

Okay.

Because you're hitting more milestones than.

Yeah,

you're 21.

That's big.

The argument was just after 26, it's on your shoulders to have other people remember your birthday.

Yeah, a person could be 26, though, or they could be college friends, as in.

And that's why we will live in the unknown.

Look deeply into your heart and recognize if you're 26.

And if you are, then it's on you.

So, we're gonna give you two, we're gonna give you two pieces of advice.

Okay, we're gonna give you two pieces of advice: if you're 26, you gotta listen to Caldwell.

Your birthday is your responsibility.

That's right.

You met these people in college, presumably.

There wasn't a big deal made about your birthday, although there were social media stuff.

But as someone who like does not look at social media at all, I would have no fucking step up and make yourself a cupcake.

I was gonna to say that what we could do, because they want to figure out how to fix the dice, you could baptize your friends' dice in cupcake.

Put dice on top of cupcakes and give them your friends.

Be so careful, though, that you don't swallow them.

Be so careful.

They're like candles, okay?

Have them on top like a candle.

It is the exact size of your esophagus.

Be careful.

But that could be like essentially a baptism for these, or like a cupcake.

Celebrate your birthday together.

Hand out the cupcakes.

This is only if you're under 26.

Of course.

You have two roads to walk.

Or wait, no, I guess this would be you taking responsibility for your own birthday.

So this actually applies to both, okay?

But this is just about the other advice of whether or not you should be mad at your friends.

If you're younger than 26, you can be mad at your friends.

Okay, that adds up.

Emily, I love what you're at here, though, because we've been pickling our dice.

I think it's 2025.

Let's sweeten those dice, baby.

Yeah, I think so.

Ice those dice.

Ice them.

Ice those dice.

Ice the dice.

All right.

Ice those dice.

There are apps, there are great friend groups that are just aghast that we don't care about each other's birthdays.

I mean, I do, but no, no, I do know about all of my friends' birthdays and we celebrate them, but they say, What are you guys up to?

It's like a lot of times it will be like maybe two people are romantically together.

So it'll be like, oh, it's this person's birthday.

What do we want to do celebrate?

Right.

It is ultimately their responsibility.

It's very rare that it's more like, yeah, it's the 26th thing, right?

If you meet someone when you're 30, you're probably not going to like spark their birthday celebration

unless they're your absolute best friend or something like that.

But anyway, yeah, this is just very, it's hard to relate to an old man.

Well, we got through Murph's garbage opinion.

Whoa, wow.

I guess

that actually wasn't.

Just kidding.

No, that trip to the dump.

Well, we all know based on Total Tank, how I feel about birthdays, which is just too many birthdays.

Too many birthdays.

Too many birthdays, though.

Also, as you get older, you just know too many fucking people.

Everyone's got one.

Come on.

If over 26, you'd be no birthdays do you see?

Yes.

Think about that.

There you go.

All right.

So forgiven.

So forgiven.

So long as you ice those dice.

Ice those dice and you are forgiven.

Yeah.

And, you know, based on whether you're 26 or not, you can take or leave our advice.

And with that, we'll go ahead and wrap this one up.

Thank you all so much for listening.

You can head on over to our Patreon, patreon.com slash NADPOD.

That's NADD POD.

Don't sing yet.

Don't

do it.

Don't do it.

We have some things we'd like to plug.

Dimension 20 has got a bunch of live shows.

You can search Dimension 20 live.

We're going to be at the Hollywood Bowl on June 1st.

We're going to be in Seattle on July 20th.

And we are going to be in Las Vegas in November.

So be on the lookout for that.

I'll also shout out the person who came to the MSG show with the Hey You Up book.

And I

have to like drive by, sign it because they sent a note to the P.O.

box.

Oh, yeah.

So, thank you for that.

Also,

I would love to plug.

Trevor Lyons, who helps us out with the editing on the show,

has a new short film out called The Price of a Used Car.

It's on YouTube.

It's actually released through Amaletto, which is a showcase of award-winning short films.

Sick.

So, go check out Trevor's short film, The Price of a Used Car.

Awesome.

Check it out.

Yeah.

Check it out.

And also, check out my sub stack, substack.com/slash at jakeurwitz.

My first issue went out last week so they're coming fast and furious now baby cut off the press

and they're all about fast and the furious franchise that's right and how about yes we're all family exactly and be on the lookout for that uh in the meantime you could follow us on social media that we may or may not use mostly do not use i'm on blue sky i'll say it are you fucking cave

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We don't even know what we are.

But that's how much we love social media.

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Thank you, Emily.

No, I think it is homage.

You know, or maybe even parallel thinking.

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That was a head gum podcast.