D&D Court: Sleepy Sorcerers, Celebrity NPCs and The Dice Swiper Dilemma

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This is a head gun podcast.

Welcome to Dungeon Court, everybody.

Dungeon.

Dungeon, Dungeon.

We are your Supreme Crit Justices, Murphy and Tanner, and then sort of a, you know, backup trial, sort of trial within a trial.

A trial within a trial.

Trial justice.

That's cool.

Jake Carlton.

Trial run, trial punch.

Trial run.

Yeah.

Thank you for semi-trusting me to the tripod,

and then the sort of highly regarded bailiff, Emily Expert.

Thank you so much for being here, Emily.

Thanks for taking time out of your day.

There's been a lot of chatter about how people wanted the spalaff back.

So I'm back, guys.

You talked.

I listened.

What if we disrespected her?

That would be interesting.

Yeah, that would be kind of sexist, though, Jake.

Yeah,

to disrespect me.

I don't think it's sexist.

I am going to make a note of that, Justice Hurwitz, though.

I'm going to have to make a note of that.

Yeah.

No, then I strike it from the record.

Okay, here ye, hear ye.

Crit is now in session.

Honorable Justices Tander, Hurwitz, and Murphy presiding.

Wow, that sounds so good.

Our first case comes from Gabriel B.

To the most honorable judges and to the bailiff who went so low that following Pac-Man rules became elevated.

I bring to you the case of Napper's Revenge.

My older cousin invited me to play in a Pathfinder campaign with some of his friends, and even though I'm D ⁇ D's little bitch, I got excited.

Excuse me, that is Merv's title.

You can't take that back.

Come on now.

Everyone knows I just know the one thing.

I got excited, especially about my PC Arthur Pengaton.

Pengaton.

Pengaton.

On the first session, the party was preparing to rest before an invasion that would happen in a few hours, and I started happily interacting with the Magus.

Magus?

Mages?

I don't know.

Magus, Magus.

I don't hear people talk about that.

I haven't read the word.

I also hear Magi.

Oh, Magi

One.

Or Magis.

I think it's Magus, right?

Magus, baby, Magus.

This is the source.

This is what happened to Magus.

Viva M.

Viva Las Magus.

Whoa.

That's a great one-shot.

Las Magus, and it's a bunch of mages going to Las Vegas.

Wow.

Everyone's cheating.

Everyone's cheating at the table.

You can't help but.

Should we restart the record?

Yeah.

Should we just go back?

Let's do a one-shot.

Go ahead.

You enter the casino.

No, I meant just because we're doing a bad job and talking about dumb shit.

Go on.

Okay.

So, the PC Arthur Penguin is happily interacting with the Magus, which is what we're going with for today.

Asking him about magic.

That's when it began.

The sorcerer, impatient to start the long rest, said, you want to see a cool spell and cast sleep on the party.

The spell lasts one minute, so when the magus woke up, he stated that he was attacked and would have his revenge.

They rolled initiative, and in one turn, the magus dropped the sorcerer with punches.

Keep going and kill the guy if the DM, my cousin, wouldn't have said that the invasion was starting and we had to deal with it.

The group was silent.

We never played again, and I miss my unused PC.

Judges, I beg of thee to answer, what the fuck just happened.

Whose fault was it?

P.S.

Love from Sao Paulo, Brazil.

All right.

Shout out to Sao Paulo.

Yeah.

Hello.

It's no Masmegas, but it's fun.

Okay.

So basically, basically, they're all winding down for a long rest, and the sorcerer is annoyed that two players are having a little bit of a role play moment and then casts sleep on everyone.

Great.

Okay.

The mage interpreted that as an attack and then punched them to death.

My takeaway here is that you've got an incredible opportunity for a character on your hands, which is a barbarian who pretends they're a magician and calls themselves something like the illuminated wizard or like the wisest of all, the grand sage.

Oh, you could call them like the master of legend domain, because isn't that like sleight of hand?

Literally, you're just punching people.

Exactly.

I got two magic tricks.

Okay, so this isn't really, you know, pitch your fucking ideas.

This is D and D chord, everyone, okay?

So, like, I'm so sorry.

This isn't Turtle Tank.

Yeah, this isn't in Turtle Tank.

And I'll add that to the record.

Yeah.

Thank you, Jake.

I was trying to impress the exalted axe for it.

I'm so sorry.

Oh, yeah.

She's got to be honest, Justice.

It works.

Yeah.

I immediately followed your tangent.

Thank you, ma'am.

Okay, so I think this is one of those good old-fashioned situations where there are no heroes in this story, except for maybe the person who submitted this.

I think the person person who submitted it is a hero because very first session you're taking time you're asking the pc about their passion not only that but most importantly you listen to our show which makes you a hero

so thank you for doing that and we know you're a patriot

right

thank you that's so brave of you

um but no i i think as far as between the mage

and the sorcerer that casts sleep, I think there are two villains here because interrupting somebody's like roleplay moment and someone's like character introduction moment with a sleep spell is rude as hell.

Especially in like the first session, it's like I could see like friends doing that as a bit.

Yeah, yeah, 60 sessions in, but yeah, so that's that's rude as hell, but you don't also don't punish being rude as hell with beating them to death, which is what the mage then tried to do.

Well, is it possible the fact that the mage was trying to punch rather than cast spells that they were kind of joking, that they were like, I'm gonna punch him, right?

And the punches just landed because they were low-level.

I mean, it sounds like from the description of what happened, that the DM had to like jump in to save the sorcerer's life, right?

Yeah, no, that's true.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, they were ready to kill, yeah, they were ready to kill.

It's a case of two wrongs not making it right for me as well, right?

Yeah, yeah, it's Pathfinder, so they used all three of their actions to strangle the sorcerer, yeah, yeah,

this is, yeah, this is tough, right?

Because I feel like the

person who started all of this is the sorcerer.

Yeah.

And I think that's a major like social faux pas is being at the table with a bunch of people and then just being like, oh, get to my turn.

Like,

I hate that person.

I think that, well, I don't, I don't hate that.

I hate that archetype of person at the table.

You know what I mean?

Yeah, they were trying to like skip the cut scene.

Yeah, which is like, it's not a cut scene of docking, you fucking dick.

Right.

I want you guys to stop enjoying the game before I can sleep.

Yeah.

The point of the first session is just to fight and not get to know each other.

The more we talk about it, the more I think that the sorcerer actually did deserve to get punched to the punches.

I almost kind of feel like the sorcerer deserved to get punched, unless they were very close friends, but they never played again, so I don't think that they're going to be able to do it.

I could see, though, I don't know.

It's rude in and out of character is the thing.

Yeah.

Your character is making an annoying choice, but it's really, it's like metagaming to be like, hey, friends, shut up.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Which is why I'm like, yeah, I think I would have my character punched that.

Right.

I see that as being like an awkward joke about being like, I just cast sleep so we all go to bed.

And that just being kind of like a mood killer to a certain extent.

But then once the other person's like, I attack them.

I keep attacking them.

They're down.

I keep attacking them.

That being a total, like

absolute table destroyer.

How dare you?

I wasn't ready to go to bed.

At the same time, I almost want this sorcerer to know, like, hey, man, what was that?

Yeah.

but you can say, hey, man, politely look sad.

Then I think that someone who does that doesn't get the memo.

No, I get what you mean, but you don't, there's a difference between even if they just knocked them out, even if you're like, if this case was just someone cast sleep on them while they were talking, the wizard woke up, cast fireball, and knocked them out.

You're right.

They should have

once.

Punched them eight, nine times.

You knocked them down.

You should have done, like, you should have punched them just, where's that part on the arm that really hurts

all of it

Like right here in the forearm muscle, right?

What

like the funny bone?

What are you talking about?

What do you mean the part that hurts just getting punched hurts

the flesh you mean just like when you get like when someone gives you like a dead arm when you're like in high school and someone just like punches you in the arm?

Yeah, that's just someone that's just someone punching you mad hard.

Yeah, you said that's just physical attack.

That's just physical attack.

No, I think that they're just trying to hurt you.

I guess it's more like the muscle than it is like the forearm or something like that, right?

It's more like

Achilles tricep, I don't think.

Yeah, I guess they're trying to like bruise your bicep, which sounds nuts.

Yeah, okay, well.

They needed a fun name for it: dead arm Charlie Horace, but it's all just punching your friends.

Yeah, do we think that the sorcerer would have learned the lesson, the same lesson, and got that, like, hey man, that wasn't cool if the mage had woken up and slapped them instead?

Yeah, I guess.

Slapping just sounds so real.

Just being being like i wake up i slap you yeah you're whoa it all it needs to be in the middle because that seems that sounds real yeah it's just like these two people got into an argument and the one person slapped the other

if i were playing the game and someone was like i'm gonna punch your character i would be like i immediately go this is a joke if it was like i slap your character you'd be like whoa

escalation yeah too little of an escalation just feels real and too much of an escalation just makes you a maniac so it just needs to be i wake up and i cast fireball on them they need need to be

able to cast a spell.

I think that since this was the first session and since a mage's punches were able to down this sorcerer, I think they must have had so little hit point that a fireball would have killed them.

Yeah, I guess so.

Yeah.

I think you got to like answer this with a this is a prank or escalation situation.

So you can use a fireball, but you got to use it to like burn up their pants or do something like that.

Sure.

You got to just like get rid of like one item of their clothing.

So you can like have this like you have like a perfect opportunity for like a little rivalry forming there where like you're casting spells on each other you're doing spell pranks back and forth and you just overreact it is what a liar liar pants on fire situation exactly can you take someone else being passive aggressive and turn it into a prank war

that seems like you

know what there's no better playground than pathfinder to find out yeah yeah this is so not pathfinder specific it's very funny that that was mentioned

as you know in pathfinder people are known to put each other to sleep and then murder each other i mean the Pathfinder detail is important though because if the mage punched three times and took the increasing multi-penalty multi-attack penalty and each time it's getting tired

and each time it hit the dice were just like yeah dude yeah oh fuck he killed him with map yeah

geez okay well i think this is the rare time where we can just rule against both of them because we do have people to rule on the side of which is i feel bad for everyone that had to watch this go down because it must have been so awkward the first thing that happened you're just like ooh, kind of a bad joke, kind of just rude, huh?

And then the other person reacting is just like, huh, you're not gonna let this go, huh?

Aw, geez, aw geez, we gotta stop the murder.

It was kind of funny for the DM to because, like, basically, they were going to bed to wake up to fight off an invasion, and the DM literally was just like, actually, the invasion is happening, and you guys have to stop fighting each other.

Yeah, that's good, good call, DM.

Okay, so how, so you guys now have to punish the mage and the sorcerer.

Okay.

Okay, so the DM and their cousin get to go to Mos Magus.

Oh, Magus and the Sorcerer, they have to stay home.

They have to watch Viva Rock Magus,

which is a fan film that we will make

based on Fred being a wizard.

Yeah, which is, I think it's a which just takes away all the stakes because you just wish for all the clamps.

Have you ever said an idea out loud and it immediately sold?

Yeah, yeah, yeah, in the room, in the zoo.

Yeah, Yeah.

That sold in the zoom.

So douchey.

So fucking douchey.

It fucking killed in the zoom.

I had a pitch with Warner.

It sold in the Zoom.

I want to just, oh man, I want to just write regular comedy again so I can have a character say that.

It fucking sold in the Zoom.

It sold in the Zoom.

It killed in the Zoom, then it sold.

Yeah.

Oh, God.

Okay.

So congratulations.

You have to watch our fan film.

Okay.

So ordered.

Next up from Nina, the case of Kevin the Guard, who became James Blunt the Bard.

To the most esteemed and honorable judges Murphy, Tanner, and Oxford, who serve as a constant state of joy and inspiration.

And, oh, hey, Jake, didn't see you there.

You look

well.

Wow.

I'm actually doing great.

I recently sold a project in the Zoom.

In the Zoom.

The spin off of the Flintstones that I don't own, the IV that I don't own.

Okay, I'm the DM of a party.

They picked up a truly random, nothing character called Kevin, who is a guard in a town.

Flash forward, and they are all exchanging secrets around the fire.

They ask Kevin if he has any.

Kevin has no secrets.

Kevin didn't exist two hours ago, but I asked for a persuasion check.

Mac 20.

Panicked, I say, dramatic sigh, I'm international pop sensation James Blunt.

They now love Kevin.

They have knighted Kevin and made him Lord Steward of their castle and town.

My question is: can I brutally and in cold blood kill Kevin or must I live with him now?

I feel it may be relevant that the party were level two for 18 real months, so maybe they deserve Kevin.

What are you doing?

I think that there was a not 20 from the moment.

I know, but they're making their characters James Blunt, and they don't let their characters level up.

Wait, the DM.

The DM didn't let them level up?

This is play for the first time.

This is the DM, right?

And they play up like 18 months at level two.

They got nothing else to live for.

I think the submitter is being honest, being like, I was, I leveled up.

He fucked up multiple times.

Do I owe them this?

I mean,

I guess they're just fighting like bullywugs and goblins.

Or they're role-playing their like servitude to James Blunt.

Right, yeah.

Oh, that's true.

I guess, yeah.

I guess if you're just like adopting guards, then maybe you're not like grinding very much.

They all like kind of become his small council for his kingdom.

It's just kingdom management at this point.

Maybe.

I think they just love Kevin.

I think this is a classic situation of a DM wants to honor a Nat 20 and maybe goes above and beyond in a moment of panic.

And now the players love it.

And the DM is like, how do I get rid of this?

Yeah.

The issue is if you take away Kevin now, you only make a martyr of Kevin slash James Blunt.

They will love him more.

Wait a second.

I just realized it's James Blunt.

He just can go on tour.

That's true.

That's really true.

He's got that song.

He can give them a tearful goodbye.

You're beautiful.

He just says, you're beautiful.

He gives them, he's like, you're beautiful to each single one and gives them each a common magic item.

Yeah.

Right.

You're beautiful.

Yeah, I think you can go out.

You can go out with a big bang too because you can actually play the song and you can be like, he looks at you guys and he says, you know, love is brilliant.

Love is whatever.

I'll have to go rescue my sister, Emily Blunt.

We are.

Cannon.

Canon.

Absolutely.

No, but it is.

It is.

It can be in this iPod.

It can be in this world.

That's the power of fantasy.

Yeah.

In this world, there's no way.

The power of fantasy is that anyone in the real world with the same last name can be related to anyone else.

The power of fantasy is that you have the chance to say, I'm James Blunt, and I need to go back on tour, but also be doing yoga with my hot sister.

What?

He shouldn't call his sister hot.

Defensively, I'm saying I understand other people think of hot.

Okay, yeah, right.

It is hot.

Oh, that even her brother would be able to admit it.

It would be honestly strange if I didn't call her hot.

What a great way to get your players to turn against James Blunt.

Let's just ask them to say, my sister,

and then just go into how she's really defensively talked about her being, quote, objectively attractive.

I'm sorry.

But you said she's hot, so I just agree with you.

Is that wrong?

Oh, so dumb.

So, basically, the heart of this question, though, is my question is, can I brutally and in cold blood kill Kevin or must I live with him now?

I think you have to live with him.

I think you made your bet and you have to

lie.

I mean, you're the DM, so you can be like, if they're bringing this random guard into all kinds of battles.

Although, again, you're level two, so you guys are fighting like challenge-rating one-quarter things.

I don't know that you're going to be able to kill Kevin.

Like, he seems,

he's probably around for the long haul if you keep keeping things so low stakes.

Yeah.

All of this does kind of seem like to be stemming off of choices that you have made, unfortunately.

Yeah.

But in the heat of the moment, so you got to extend that grace.

You've been there before and been like, I need to honor this Nat 20.

And then words come out of your mouth that you regret.

It takes solace in the fact that your players fucking love it.

So

you haven't messed anything up.

I mean, you already said that he's in charge of like your keep or something like that.

So I think you could literally just kind of have James doing side quests in the background.

You can kind of like do James check-ins.

You can kind of like have like a blunt plot going on in the background where like James is like raising crops or like soldiers for you or like maybe he's got his blacksmith working on new weapons.

And you know what?

Honestly, maybe you could just keep track of the tour.

Like have like a tour.

You could build a little like homebrew for like how his tour is going and like that could be a lot of data.

The DM wants to do more James Blunt stuff.

They could just become, they could change the whole campaign into their security details.

This is exactly what this DM wants.

The DM wrote in because they want more.

Nina, I think we figured it out.

I do think that would solve the problem, actually.

If you spent like two weeks just crafting like James Blunt mechanics and they did that for your players, they would all lose interest so fast that they would move on.

You'd think that, but players tend to do just the opposite of what you actually want.

So they would just, they would smell it,

they would sense it.

They'd be like,

yeah, you're doing this to double reverse psychology me, and I'm going to triple reverse psychology you by being into it.

Yeah, my new character is James's sister.

Yeah,

I have a new idea.

So instead of just like unceremoniously, surprise, I have a world tour, you have another bard come into town.

Maybe it's that guy.

Good God, I can't remember his name.

He's got orange hair and carrots.

Carrot Ed Sheeran.

Ed Sheeran.

Your thought is Carrot Top when we're talking about James Blunt Caldwell.

That's the only person with red hair that you can think of.

So you have someone like that.

He's such a fucking boomer, man.

I'm just thinking, what was it called?

Chairman of the Boardlesses movie?

It's got to be that guy where he's like a surfer.

You know, he's got a residency in Mas Megas.

Do not denigrate his name.

He does.

He does have.

So

you have like some star like that come into town doing a worldwide tour.

You have to.

For doing press for chairman of the board, 1998's chairman of the board.

That's right.

Sweaty.

Okay.

I don't know that.

Well, it's Carolina.

Sort of surf comedy from the late 90s.

Okay, but no, no, no.

Basically.

We have to watch it for a mixed bag.

Basically, I think you just have some kind of musician come in.

They're doing a show.

The opening act gets killed, right?

So there's like this big dramatic scene.

Maybe they can try to help the opening act not get killed.

Maybe they save the opening act, but the opening act is like scared.

They don't want to do it anymore.

Ed Sheeran or Carrot Top, whatever you feel more inspired by, goes to James Blunt in front of the crew and is like, I need you.

I can't continue the world tour without you.

And you have James Blunt be like,

I could never leave my friends, but like clearly wants to do it.

And then they'll be the ones to say, you know what, James?

I think you should go

just to save Ed Sheeran's door.

You have James Bumpy like, or Carrotop.

I don't know.

Or you're good.

You know what's going to happen, right?

They're going to be like, Ed Sheeran, you should actually come with us.

And then Rolling Matt's showing up.

You know what?

You're 100% right.

That's actually

come with us.

You can't leave the decision in your boy hand.

I think, yeah, ultimately, I think you have kind of made this bed.

That being said, you're the DM, so you can kill a character sort of at any moment, but you have sort of fed this beast.

So don't be surprised if you kill Kevin and instead of it being like a cool, epic moment, it's just everyone sort of sad and mad at you.

Yeah.

I would do what has been lightly pitched here, which is like, leave him, first off, let your characters level up.

Get them to level three so they outlevel Kevin the guard.

Yeah.

And then have Kevin the Guard, aka James Blunt, stay in town and let him kind of be the Charlie of Charlie's Angels.

Let him just like

they can get updates on him or whatever without building mechanics or basing your old campaign around James Blunt.

Leave him home.

He needs to do his stuff for his next year.

He's in the studio.

He's got to work on his next album.

Yeah, even if you were like, hey, actually, the reason I'm going by Kevin the Guard right now is because like I'm scared to sing again.

Well, then they're just going to want to inspire him.

They're just going to to want to fucking inspire him.

There's a real

Kevin the guard.

You guys just have

great threads for James Blunt campaigns.

That's what you all have brought to this.

It's just great ideas to make these players double down.

And Jay, maybe Carrot Top is tormenting James Blunt, and that's why he went into hiding.

So Carrot Top is the big bag.

Yeah, because the guy got true, yeah.

Yeah, I really

kissed by fire.

The only way is to be like, you guys are level three now.

James Blunt still just has 10 HP because he's just a regular ass dude.

James Blunt says, I need to go work on my album.

He goes to work on his album.

They say, we want to check in on him.

James Blunt looks like he's really trying to concentrate on his album.

You ask him.

He says, I have writer's block.

I'm trying to write.

They try to interact with him in a fun way.

He says, I'm working.

I'm really busy right now.

And you just keep doing that until they stop.

And if they want to just keep annoying your made-up NPC, you can just do nothing and let them play by themselves while you say, he's practicing piano in the background.

Also, you can give it a little more flavor, though, by being like,

I'm James Bond.

He doesn't want to do that.

And

I've been creatively blocked, but being around you guys, it's flowing out of me now.

The Bailiff has a great point.

Then they'll be like,

can we hear your new song?

It's flowing out of you.

Can we hear your new song?

And then you pull up Spotify James Bond and then play whatever the most popular.

And then they'll laugh hysterically.

And then be like, that's awesome, James.

You got another one.

And Spotify will yet again have a song.

Yeah, I guess that's true.

That's another way to do it.

It's just like, look, I'll sit here and play James Blunt songs all day if

that's what you all want.

That'll be a damn jukebox.

So who are you guys sentencing?

I think the DM.

Sensing the DM.

Yeah, the DM made this better.

The DM, I mean, yeah.

They're the one that said James Blunt.

Yeah, they could have said anything.

It could have been any secret.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

It's true.

Yeah, at a certain point, you can't fault the players for doubling down.

You've given them a juicy, succulent joke, and they must just strip every piece of meat from the bone.

Yeah.

And what sort of punishment are we thinking?

I think they have to take your guys' advice and just double down and do a blunt campaign, I guess.

Come up with, we'll take some from Caldwell,

make mechanics to see how his tour is doing.

It's all building for a big final show at Mos Megas.

Whoa, yeah.

And maybe you finally get to meet Emily Blunt's husband, John Krasinski, there.

So that's like going to be a huge.

Oh, and you can give some of Kalglow's opinions about that imaginary friend.

That imaginary friend movie.

So Krasinski is like a huge Carrot Top fan.

So you get to Mos Megas, and Carrot Top is headlining one place, and James Blunt is headlining the other place.

And you have to choose between the two shows which you will go to, James Blunt or Carrot Top.

Oh, okay.

So ordered.

So ordered.

Powerful Powerful choice.

Next up, we've got Sydney.

May it please the judges and the other one.

I present the case of the car lake.

Recently, four of my five players went on vacation together using one of their cars.

The owner, this is a real life story.

Okay.

The owner of the car let someone else drive for a while, and she proceeded to drive the car into a lake with all four of them inside.

Wait, is this just a real?

Wait, you're gonna ask us if murder is okay?

No, everyone's okay.

Everyone's okay.

Good.

Okay.

It's an insurance thing.

Yeah.

Okay.

Car into a lake with all four of them inside after missing the first two exits.

Everyone is okay and she apologized, but she regards the situation as basically being over since there's nothing else that can be done.

The owner of the car does not feel the same way.

The two are now extremely mad at each other and refuse to talk about it.

And the one other player who didn't go on vacation just messaged the group chat asking when we're playing again.

Justice is, am I wrong if I let this game die along with the car?

Or should I be pushing harder for my players to work out this issue in-game?

P.S., I was sent a photo of this situation.

I have to be honest, the lake was pretty far from the road.

In parentheses, 15 plus feet.

No, Jesus.

I will say the passengers do have to be like, stop, stop.

They're going into the lake.

Where's everyone else during this?

I think, like, this, the driver simply must have been trying to get to the lake.

They must have wanted to take a detour, right?

They must have wanted to see that lake.

This must be like a really mossy lake or something like that, where it's not

just like driving.

Hallucinatory terrain.

Was it nighttime?

Real lake.

It must have been nighttime.

I think lakes look like a parking lot.

Although there's a picture that shows how close it or how far it was

from the road.

Yeah, so obviously, okay, so you don't need DD court.

You need real court which way.

The driver

is to sue this person, I think, right?

I think that's how this works.

Yeah, or at least some sort of mediation, conflict mediation to decide if money needs to be exchanged.

It is destroying someone's car and then just being like, I'm sorry, but you need to get over this is wild.

You have to.

If the person was like, look, I'm so sorry, but I'm absolutely fucked and I can't pay for this.

Like, I'll figure out a way to help you or something, but I can't like completely replace a car.

I don't know.

You could, it still is their fault.

So you could could still be very mad at them, but at least that would be a human response is to be like...

I think they might have had that as a human response.

We don't know the details.

They might have said that.

We can only go off what we have here, which is they said that they're sorry, but there's nothing they can do.

That's wild.

I guess the question that is on the mind of Sydney is

because the fourth member of the campaign who wasn't on the trip

texted the group text and said, when are we playing again?

This is also a mess because why wasn't everyone invited, right?

It just seems weird.

Yeah.

Four of them would go on a trip without maybe this person was busy.

They might have been

like obligations.

Yeah, yeah.

You got to text them off-thread and say, hey,

I don't know if you heard.

Yeah, I think this is an off-thread conversation with the other person.

Be like, we might have to go to the game store and start up a new crew.

On some level, I was like, this problem supersedes DD and you should just let them figure it out.

But on another, I'm like, maybe this has come to such a stalemate and these people are retreated so far into their corners that you need a little innocuous question like, hey, when's the D ⁇ D group getting together?

Yeah.

For them to come back to the table.

The human answer is texting both the guilty and offended party and being like off the group chain and being like, this person suggested this.

Would this feel good for you?

Or do we want to lay this?

I feel like you got to just design.

They can't be friends.

Like, could you be friends with someone that crashed your car and then was like, I'm sorry, could you drop it?

I think the friends have to pick a side.

The person who wrote the person who was wrong, the person who had their car driven in the fucking lake.

Yeah, right, exactly.

So

you choose the side of the of the car owner, sure,

the lake driver.

Okay, and then it's kind of three-on-one.

You're like, hey, everybody feels like you owe more than an apology to some kind of

monetary thing.

Can I suggest that like, Everyone else in the car is partially to blame?

Because like, what are you doing just like watching this person drive towards a lake?

It is true, like, watching someone drive to a TP into a lake.

I would just be like, whoa, ho, ho, ho, ho, whoa, whoa.

Hey, you good?

You good?

Do we mean this?

Yeah.

I think at a certain point, you go for the wheel, right?

You're like, hey, you got to stop.

Yeah.

Well, who knows?

I mean, that might have happened in a park.

That might have happened.

It's not like they're going to raid a D D court being like people were making noises and going, oh, right.

I actually do want more information on all of this.

Yeah, I kind of do, too.

I think there's,

this is pretty open and shut to me.

If you crash someone's car and are just like, dude, get over it,

you're wrong.

I think it sounds like we're going to rule against the lake driver.

I think you just kick it.

I think you guys are right.

You just kick out the lake driver until they figure something out.

Right, because I think this is a pretty batshit, crazy thing to do.

So like they might not be that collaborative and enjoyable.

It's not like the cleric you want in your party.

You know what I mean?

They're not going to.

I'm sorry, there's nothing I can do.

As someone who's not like ass-tapped into gossip, I do feel like sometimes I say something on a group text and I'm like, huh, I was being really weird today.

And then I find out later that everyone is being weird for a road year.

Something crazier is going on.

Yeah.

Okay, so let's give a generous read to Lake Driver.

Okay.

So the best case scenario is that it's that.

It's a swerving to miss roadkill.

Oh, that could have been already

A dead and already.

Sorry, like

swerving to miss so that it doesn't.

Like a squirrel, sure, sure.

Okay.

A lake.

There could have been a turtle crawling across.

That's not what happens.

That's not what I mean.

A turtle crawling.

This is not what I was talking about.

Okay.

To get his eggs fertilized.

This is a roadkill.

It's getting too generous.

They don't do that in lakes that are big.

I think they're not going to be able to do that.

You cannot be interrupting the fertility rides of the turtle.

They did it to the ocean, I thought.

I don't know.

That turtle had a big

deliver them.

I'm sure there's a lake turtle.

Do not fucking at me.

The turtles that lay their eggs in lakes.

But no, what I was saying was this might just be a thing that insurance takes care of, but then this person's like rate gets hiked up.

So you do.

So the lake driver, they do need to help them out monetarily somehow.

Shouldn't it be the lake?

Okay, so now we're actually getting into real court, which is why I mean, we'll have to wrap this up.

But wouldn't it be the lake driver's insurance that covers it?

I oh man, I don't know.

I would need to see both of their policies

and what's covered.

I would say, I would say we are not qualified.

Whoa, okay, no, no, no, we found it.

We found the way the lake driver could be okay.

If the lake driver's insurance is paying for the car, and then they said this was an accident, I'm sorry,

and it still continues to be dramatic.

Yeah, the lake driver does have a point to a certain extent.

If they are paying for it,

and if you let me drive your car and I drive it into a lake, but I pay for it, then it is, and then I say, I'm sorry.

It is like you kind of can't match.

Yeah, you can fight dragons with me again.

Yeah,

yeah, I agree.

If Jake drives my car into a lake

and then is like, don't worry, my insurance has it.

I think I am just like, wait, what the fuck?

Especially if I was swerving to avoid a pregnant turtle.

Yeah.

Visibly pregnant turtle.

Clutch of eggs.

Yeah, it has a bumper sticker that says baby on

burnt on the shelf.

Okay, so that is a good point.

So I think then, since we don't know whose insurance is covering.

Wait, okay, hang on, hang on.

We're going to ask, we're going to ask, if you are driving someone else's car and crash, whose insurance pays?

Oh, wow.

And while you're looking that up, I did look up that it does seem like lake turtles will lay their eggs on land similar to the way that ocean turtles will.

So there's a very real likelihood that the turtle could be going for some like drier, sandier soil to bury.

Okay.

All right.

So it says generally, I'm getting this on Quora.

I'm getting this on Google.

I'm getting this on a random blog from a law officer.

Oh, let's go with the blog.

Let's go with the blog.

If you allow someone else to drive your car.

Do you have, what was the thing that we kept?

Do you have a Wednesday Adams?

The Wednesday Adams subreddit?

I do, yeah.

Okay, so the Wednesday Adam subreddit says, if you allow someone else to drive your car and they get into an accident, your auto insurance will come into play.

Okay.

Wow.

So it is the person that owned the car.

So that's fucked up.

If Jake drives my car into a lake and then says, I'm sorry, this is your problem.

If anything, this is like a warning to be really careful about who you let drive your car in general for all of us.

Yeah.

Okay.

So then in that case, are we punishing?

We're punishing the lake driver.

The lake driver.

Yeah, obviously.

How?

We have to drive their car into a lake okay perfect great perfect and maybe they have to get into they have to foster turtles as well they have to foster turtles

okay so you gotta take some nets yeah yeah and i think their question was also like can i salvage this group the answer of course is no

just kick out the lake driver yeah maybe try that route

three out of four

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Next up, we have Mason N who writes, May it please the Grand Court of Crit and that guy who played Jake from Jake and Amir.

I propose to you all the case of the killer life domain cleric.

I had played in a 10-person campaign and was playing the party's healer, a life domain cleric named Coach Hawk Barski.

As part of his backstory, he was always bullied during school and thus became a coach to end bullying.

While the party was exploring, Coach Hawk Barski noticed a group of teens bullying a kid.

He went over to confront the group and ended up getting punched in the nuts and tabletopped by the teens.

For Flare, DM put my character into a flashback of the same exact thing happening to a young Coach Hawk Barski.

And in the flashback, he retaliated by punching the bully in the face.

But in reality, he chose to be doing a first-level inflict wounds uppercut to the teen bully in charge.

It immediately killed the teen who had commoner stats.

And as a result, another party member, a zealot barbarian, did a reckless attack on Coach Hawk Barski and downed him.

Once the tension settled and Coach Hawk Barski was brought back up, he used all of his money and some of the other PC's money to do a revivify on the teen and we moved along with the campaign.

I get razzed about it from time to time, but I need to ask the court, am I wrong for playing along with the DM's flashback scenario and getting triggered by the drama?

Or should I have taken the high road and not retaliated?

I await the court's decision in shame.

So,

yeah.

Okay.

This is interesting.

It's very funny for the lesson you've learned.

It's like, it was wrong of me to punch back before.

I should have used magic.

Yeah.

I do think your character probably could have tried to use a persuasion check or something like that, but maybe it's the beginning of their story.

And so maybe they, yeah.

I think that when the DM put them into a flashback, that was their intention.

If anything, you were doing what the DM was prompting.

They wanted you to,

they wanted your judgment to be clouded by the past.

And so you reacted as if it was clouded by the past.

I think if you get tabletopped by a teen, you should be doing no less than 10d8 psychic damage to yourself.

You should have been down before you were down.

Yeah, you should have been doing fucking death saving.

Getting tabletopped is so shocking.

You fall back so, so hard.

Yeah, yeah.

I'll say

I'm against the DM here.

I understand why you shouldn't have guest inflict wounds on on random teenagers that were picking on you, but the DM set you up for this.

And also, I kind of hate that gotcha moment of being like, you actually killed them because

really, it says in the rules, like that you're allowed to do like lethal or non-lethal drugs.

Right.

They could have the DM could have been like, oh, shit, I was just trying to do a descriptive moment, but you've gotten lost in the moment and you did this thing.

They could have been like, are you doing lethal or non-lethal?

Right.

It's Raz Entrapment is what it is.

Yes.

Enrazman.

This is Enrasman.

We've had wrongful Razzings.

This is Erasmus.

This is absolutely Erasmus.

Because you didn't, I get that.

Maybe raw, maybe by the rules, non-melee attacks, maybe like a spell.

Maybe you can't like fireball to just knock someone out.

But I do think that...

The fact that you described it as like an uppercut inflict wounds, it's like pretty clear that you didn't want to kill the other character.

You know what I mean?

You just wanted to show, here's my new magic.

Like, yeah, like I'm powerful now.

Yeah.

Right.

I really like where you're starting with this character, too.

Like, you clearly have a long way to go.

You're like a real shithead

bride type who punches a teen with marriage.

Yeah.

You know, that's your arc.

But I think that you could teach that lesson by being like, you cast inflict wounds.

The dude flies up three feet straight in the air from getting uppercut and just lands and horrifically breaks his nose and begins screaming.

That gets the exact same point across.

They could razz you.

That could be a character-building moment.

And they don't have to describe killing teenagers.

Like, what the fuck?

Like, why do that?

Why?

Yeah.

Yeah.

Like, without you walking into that.

Yeah, like, like, tricking people into, like, it's so weird.

It's like that's what they wanted to happen.

Yeah, they wanted to.

Why put you into that flashback to accept to trigger you into attack?

Right.

We did it.

We had a moment like this in campaign one where we had all these like teams that were pretending to be badasses, badasses but weren't actually badasses and then as soon as you guys attack them imagine if I was like you cut their head off instantly the kid is dead it's like what the fuck no but we did it we did a thing we're just like why did you attack me they just like instantly became like winners and it's like that got the exact same point across yeah yeah yeah that didn't make anyone feel bad and didn't make well it did make people it made people feel bad but it made them feel bad in a funny way where we could have a funny reaction and it could just be like cool lesson learned.

I am a powerful spellcaster now.

And now I'm, you know, this, this powerful character.

I need to be above this.

Instead, you're like, I'm going to make your character a murderer and make them basically like unredeemable.

Like without this revivify, you're just like, cool.

Now my character has no backstory because you've tricked me into being a murderer.

Yeah.

Yeah.

So we are ruling against the DM because we think that they could have this was enrasmin.

because though it was a fun thing to show the flashback once it went that far they could have read the room and been like okay you don't fully kill them yeah and I'm gonna drive your car into a lake okay that's a great punishment that's a great punishment or you drive my car into a lake and I sue you to pay for the damage it's also such bullshit too to be like oh they had commoner stats how did they tabletop then so one of them with commoner stats did a stealth check that did better than their passive perception and then the other one landed an attack role that was better than your athletics check.

That's fucking bullshit.

That's not fucking real.

He's getting mad now.

We might need a harsh punishment.

This is absolute erasment.

No, you're absolutely not.

Because

if you just had them there for flavor and you weren't doing proper roles and they got something off on your character, then it's weird to suddenly have them have stats.

A successful tabletop would be the person that is the table has to do a stealth check, maybe even with fucking disadvantage, because you've got to get up behind them.

You're like touching their leg.

Well, you could army crawl.

Okay, so whatever.

You're army crawling.

So whatever.

It's flat.

It's fine.

So Commoner makes a flat stealth check.

After Commoner makes a flat stealth check, other Commoner does a flat shove attack,

which would be against your athletics.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Yeah.

So you should have gotten it.

And you're so powerful that you're murdering them in one hit, and these two quote-unquote commoners destroyed you.

Give me a fucking break.

Yeah.

No, this is absolute harassment.

I'm pissed now okay well

Mason N not only are we ruling in your favor we're driving your DM's car into a lake I'm also now going to read Mason N included a PS

with a question that was actually quite a popular question that GGG and Max H and Christopher Martin G also asked the PS from Mason N that was echoed by others was not a court submission but could we get Murph's opinion of John Cena's heel turn Fucking love it.

It fucking rocks.

It was really it was awesome.

It's so shocking.

It fucking rules.

He played it well.

That man is having fun.

That man is having fun.

Big match John is back, everybody.

Yeah.

Woo!

Here is great.

Yeah.

I had no idea.

Yeah, so for anyone that doesn't watch wrestling, essentially, John Cena was just this unbeatable good guy to the point where adults would boo him, like people that were extremely online.

And, you know, myself as like someone who was like 21 years old watching wrestling would be like they fucking hate john cena he's not technically sound

people would be like booing this dude but then he went away for a while and now he's back and he's been like really embraced by everyone because he's been gone for like five, six years or whatever.

So now everybody's like, oh yeah, I was like immature back then, but John Cena actually rocks.

He's great for the business or whatever.

Yeah.

He's nice to the kids.

And then they made him a bad guy.

And that's so good.

That's incredible.

That rules.

That absolutely fucking rocks.

It was great.

And he sold it really well, too.

You didn't see it coming.

The man's a performer.

The man's a star.

Let's face it.

The man's a star.

You know what?

John Cena's going to throw your car in the lake.

Oh, yeah.

John Cena's going to turn heel on this DM.

Yeah, John Cena.

Yeah, John Cena shows up to your house.

John Cena's going to show up to this DM's house and he's going to be like, hey, I heard you're a really cool DM that does really cool stuff, like trick people into murdering.

Uh, do you mind if I borrow your car?

I want to take cool pictures with it and tell everyone that we're friends.

And then, of course, you say, Of course, Big Match John, I want you to drive around in my Corolla and take pictures of it and say, I'm really good friends with you.

Cool pictures.

I want to take cool pictures.

Tell everyone I'm friends with friends.

I want to tell everyone that we're friends.

Yeah, on so on the social media.

He calls it the social media.

That has really strong bot energy.

Yeah.

Well, he shows up and he is kind of acting quite robotically.

So he says that.

Then he takes your Corolla, he drives it into a lake and he says, bet you didn't see me coming.

He says the you can't see me thing in front of his face.

And he does post it on the social media.

And then he posts it on the social medias.

But he dies.

You can't see.

You can't see me, Yada.

Oh, you can't see me, Yada.

Yeah.

Oh, and then he's in a Miata next to your Corolla sinking.

You can't see Miata is really, really.

You can't see Miata.

He's in a Miata.

Wow.

He's in a Miata.

Your Corolla is sinking in the lake, and then he leaks your social security number.

And it was all a Mazda commercial.

And it was all a fucking Mazda commercial.

She's sponsored by Mazda.

Mazda loves heels.

Oh, my God.

Okay, well, so ordered.

That's so fucking good.

Wow.

That's the best

thing we've ever come up with.

Really has.

Wow.

Okay, so I have a question that is like about a married couple.

Okay.

Okay.

Marriage woes, really.

Okay.

Hugo W.

writes, if it may please the court, they said, please roll on the wild magic surge table to determine what effect this case will have on the bailiff.

Can someone roll on the magic surge table?

Sure.

Wild magic.

Just roll me a D100.

All right, I'll roll the D100.

I have it pulled up.

Okay.

48.

Okay, so what is this having?

this is you and up to three creatures you choose within 30 feet of you have the invisible condition for one minute, so I'm invisible.

Can't see me out of the you can't see me out

okay.

I am writing today asking the court to issue an injunction against my wife stealing my dice.

When we started playing DD together, I bought her a set of metal dice.

This was about two years ago, and in this time she has become an absolute magpie for dice and brings six full sets to each session we play, plus a spare D20.

She has gone so far as to buy me a set of new dice so as to justify taking sets of my dice that she particularly likes.

In a game two weeks earlier, I was setting up my DM screen when she asked to see the new D20 I bought earlier this week.

It was blue and has the one ring from Lord of the Rings suspended inside of it.

She attempted to pocket the new die,

claiming she liked it and tried to trade me back.

She is trying to trade me back a die she had stolen from me three months ago

was it her birthday that's a good you have to ask was it her as long as it's her birthday

it's not in this but the the dice that she tried to give back that she had stolen was a nad pod pawpaw d20.

Whoa, hey, those are actually pretty cool.

Those are actually awesome.

That's why it was so cool.

Yeah.

Where can I get one of those?

Though I successfully recovered my precious new D20.

I am asking for an end to the polyhedral shenanigans via an official court ruling.

Wow.

Thank you and may dice Christ bless us all.

When you take your marriage vows, do you not say what's mine is yours?

Wow.

But

is not the reverse true?

Because it sounds like she is hoarding dice.

You're right.

You know, so if there's a dice pool, if we're all, oh, if we're all sharing from one dice pool, that's fine.

But if one person is very particular about dice and one person's not.

That's right.

You have to go to your wife and you have to say, look, we either have three pools, the shared one and our individual ones, or we have

shared.

It's all shared.

But what is going on right now is we have two pools, a shared one and yours.

Yeah.

This is why I'm a big advocate for prenups.

I already drag this stuff out.

Yeah, geez, you really should have.

You should have gotten this inviting up top.

Yeah.

Because we don't really have, I feel like you don't steal dice, but you care more than I do.

Like, I will literally, oftentimes, when we do live shows, I will either forget my dice or I will want to support a local game shop, mostly Wolf.

When we go to a city, I'll go to a local game shop and I'll buy a few sets of dice.

Or Jake and Caldwell have done this.

We buy them for each other.

I'll often pick last, especially before Emily, and I'll just be like, who wants this one?

I'll take whatever one you don't want.

And M's the opposite where she'll be like, this one feels magical.

This one has bad energy.

You know, it's like really like a spiritual thing for emily in a way that it's not having a wandering eye at your dice really you have this like pearl set with gold numbers and i'm always like

is it this one no no it's like pearl oh like a whitish pearliness she doesn't even know where they are that's so that is the thing if emily were to steal it it is like i am treating my dice badly that's true that's right giving it a better life but i always whenever i see it i am like never even pickles them yeah

i will be like, let me just give an exploratory roll and see if there's some chemistry here.

And there's never been chemistry.

Oh.

But you go over and you like roll my dice when you're by yourself.

Of course.

You try to entice the dice.

I see if anyone actually is responding to me more than you.

But I also am generous, though.

I take your dice that you're going to use for D20 seasons and I put them in the full moon.

Yeah, you do try to help me.

Oh, yeah.

See, that's so giving.

Honestly, like, she's doing so much for your dice.

Let her take whatever she wants.

I kind of, I mean, I do.

Yeah, yeah.

This is not a

problem that we have.

Okay, so I am on Hugo's side to start this because, like, like we've seen.

Hugo W, something you've never had, Murph.

Sure.

Hey, I've had some tiny, I've had a couple tiny W's over the years.

But I would say Hugo's side, because if it is a shared dice pool, it should be a true shared dice pool.

You shouldn't have to hold dice hostage to do hostage negotiations with, right?

Either it's shared or it's not on the other hand i could see the wife's point because like like we're saying here i'm someone that doesn't give a shit about my dice so emily is like those pearl dice of yours are beautiful i don't even know which one she's talking about because i probably lost them and if i was really particular about my dice but also didn't give a shit about them and emily had them all laid out perfectly and brought the perfect ones to each session or whatever and she was like you're treating your dice like shit i could give them a better life.

She does have a point, she would have a valid point to steal my dice.

But I also think

I don't think I've ever seen you with a dice in your hand and been like, Can I have that?

Or tried to have a damage.

That's true.

That's true.

Yeah.

I think you have to just like lean fully into this.

I think that if you can't handle her at her golem, you don't deserve her at her smeagel.

And you need to just start buying duplicates of all your dice.

Yeah, and honestly, lean into it.

Like, buy little gifts for your wife and be like, oh, no, did you want that one darn but secretly you bought it for her the whole time you gotta just like you you have found a love language you've like found a love language trap and now you can activate it that's a nice way to look at it you know a way to make her day which is like to have a cool die and then she apparently doesn't want to buy it for herself she wants to steal it

yeah and if you do that enough then some of the dice are going to start coming back to you eventually

yeah you have to buy new dice to get your old dice that's true it did it did come back to trade trade them, yeah.

I just feel like, but also like Hugo does deserve to get dice that they want to use is the problem.

Okay, so yeah, so what are we going to rule against?

I think we have to rule against the troll wife as much as it hurts my heart.

Usually I recuse myself with a troll wife, but I just feel so sad that

in order to get your old dice back that have been stolen, you have to sacrifice your new one.

But isn't this kind of, okay, so here's the thing, though.

Like, who are we to get in the way of love because this to me

feels like a flirtation right yeah so this feels like they've escalated it by bringing it to dnd court and it's going to be kind of like a funny thing like ha ha yeah i got all the crit justices to say that you're wrong i got the solution here do you i got the solution the solution is to introduce a third and that third is a bird

What the fuck?

What?

I knew as soon as he raised his hand, as soon as he fucking raised his hand and started nodding,

I knew he was going to have

I knew his idea was fucked.

I knew it was fucked.

You need to introduce a third of birds.

I know where you're headed.

Let me cut you off right there.

So basically you like leave your window open and you try to like lure a curtain.

Dangerous dangerous for serial killers, but yeah.

Yes.

Yeah, I guess like, sorry, you still have like, you know, maybe like a camera set up or something like that.

But yeah, you, you leave your window open so that a crow can like hop in and then steal some of your wife's dice.

So she gets kind of a sense of how it feels.

And you're like, dang, I guess that's what it's like.

I watched Murph die inside as you were.

What are you saying now?

I was going to say that you have a really easy way.

If the two of you could get on the same page, you could just be like, when she wants one of your dice, easy.

It's a dice roll off.

You each roll off.

Whoever it rolls higher for, that's who the dice feels like rolling with that day.

Wow.

So that or the bird thing, I guess.

Yeah.

Because here's the thing.

I think I don't want to.

I think

I want to recuse myself because I think this push-pull is fun.

Yeah.

I think this is good for

me.

I also love a troll wife, so I'm pretty endeared by this, but I think that maybe I'm ruling against the troll wife, but the punishment is when you want

one of your partner's dice, you have to be willing to be like, all right, roll off and see if you

win.

In response to Emily as a troll wife ruling against troll wife, I will rule in favor of the troll wife because I think it's about that.

Because I can tell from the, as someone who likes to be razzed and who likes to be trolled by the troll wife,

I'm reading into this.

I'm reading into this submission, and I think Hugo likes being trolled by the troll wife to a certain extent.

This is a case for you two to settle.

So I'm going to, me and Caldwell are recusing ourselves.

Okay,

don't speak for me.

Yeah.

No, we can't.

Just as Hurwitz, are you setting new precedent?

I think the bird thing recuses.

The bird thing was a recusal.

That was absolutely recusal.

I think that's recusable.

Yeah.

I think he.

You don't deserve me, honestly.

Yeah.

If you can't handle me, I might go.

If you don't deserve me, I'm my spoon.

Thank you.

Yeah.

Neither of them were particularly good.

Jake, let me buy you a drink, man.

Come on, let's go.

So, I'm going to, I like this idea of solving this with roll-offs.

Okay.

I think that keeps this fun troll energy back and forth,

but allows the shared dice pool to become a thing.

And then, we also have a thing, though, since there is a bit of a cat burglar thing going on, if the troll wife successfully steals it, then Hugo can be like, okay, actually, I want that dice back roll-off.

Yeah.

Okay.

All right.

Okay.

So ordered.

Shall we move into church?

Let's do it.

Okay.

Please.

All right.

Let's drive our car into church.

Oh, my God.

There's a lake in front of the chapel.

Okay.

Cars need to be baptized too.

Go on.

Tobin writes to us, howdy to our holy dice Christ clergy, baby Jake included.

Oh, okay.

A little too casual for church, but go on.

I play a Murph.

Brace yourself.

Pigeon, Eric Akra, Carl.

Oh, okay.

There we go.

Of El Matar and the Shattered Obelisk Campaign.

No respect.

no respect for the church, no respect for the game.

Pigeons are my favorite, and I had been planning to play this character for a long time.

During the session zero, our DM had no problem with my proposed character and seemed to trust me when I said Rue would be more inclined to walk, as pigeons in real life spend a lot of time on the ground pecking around for food.

Okay,

I should say, I have not betrayed that trust as Rue uses her flight for very short distances, like scouting up a cliff or helping our gnome monk across a crevice in a cave.

Before a session, I was joking with my sweetheart and other players that pigeons' eyes, despite being on the sides of their head, like most prey creatures, actually can see in nearly 360 degrees.

This had me thinking that maybe my character should have a boost to her passive perception, since sneaking up on pigeons in the wild is damn near impossible.

I brought it up to my DM before we got started, and he said, Sure, I can add a plus one to my pigeon Aracockra's passive perception.

And I have to say, I do not regret that instance of bringing animal facts into D and D for a second.

But I ask, have I, a self-proclaimed Columbidologist, I actually don't know what that means, sinned for bringing animal facts into the game to get a plus one to my character's passive perception?

I await penance as you see fit.

Yes, you have.

I do think it's funny to start this and be like, I just want to say I have no regret about this.

Should I?

Is this a case or is this

more confession, but

I don't get a

sort of self-flagellatory note.

Right.

This is a confession like when someone is in court and like gleefully details their murder or something like that.

They're just down to go to jail.

I know I shouldn't have done it, but it all worked out.

Yeah.

How do you feel about this, Merv?

I think I feel like Aericakras already get to fly and you already get your stuff, so you don't get to bring more things

to the table.

Yeah, okay.

So, do you have any penance to suggest?

Yeah, give back your plus one reception.

And

Eric Cockra is also,

their eyes aren't to the side like prey animals either.

Like, I don't know.

But I guess I okay.

So, the point is that pigeons, I guess, can see 360, but fucking whatever.

I don't know.

You already, you're, yeah, your characters are already fucking bullshit.

Like,

it's late to bring this to the table.

If your DM's cool with it, then, like, I guess whatever.

I think, you know what?

Honestly, I don't think it's going to come up because a plus one to passive is pretty minimal.

Yeah.

Yeah.

So I think this is pretty tame, but like this, this might be your DM's first encounter with a lesson that they need to learn, which is that sometimes you give your players too many treats and then they womp your ass.

Yeah.

It's also like now anytime anyone asks that, they're just going to be like, well, I'm like part fish.

Shouldn't I be able to completely breathe underwater no matter what?

And I can't drown and this this happens and this happens and it's like that's dnd has mechanics based on like you're a pigeon you're a reskinned arrochocra so you're not an actual like pigeon mechanically you're an arrococra so you don't get an actual perception you already got a fly speed you already got all your stuff and then on top of that i love the description of like i just use it for regular stuff like a regular pigeon you know how pigeons just mostly walk around and eat like seeds and shit well what i do is i carry gnomes around and i climb mountains by flying over them it's just like yeah you're just

using all the mechanics.

I do think that the only way this works is if there's also like a curse element where like anytime you see a bagel, you just have to like peck at it for an hour minimum.

Oh, okay.

Maybe that's the penance.

It is hard to forgive you since you like borderline cheated within the rules of your game.

Like

you told your DM and you got okayed.

Yeah.

I don't even know what you're asking for here.

I guess it's fine.

Yeah.

I think this is animal.

I'm not forgiving question marks.

I think, I mean, you don't, you're not asking for forgiveness.

Truth.

True.

Not forgive.

I think you're incorrect.

I think animal facts have no place in D and D.

I think if bullywugs wouldn't have teeth if we followed animal facts.

And we all know bullywugs have perfect teeth.

They do have beautiful teeth.

They have perfect smiles.

Perhaps more appropriately, so ordered.

Yeah, there we go.

Okay.

I think so.

And for fun, one more.

One more in church while we're double church.

Double church.

Well,

we do need someone who's actually confessing, right?

Well, we're gonna be able to get a little bit of a game, though.

We're gonna miss the football game.

Look, I'm just a little pigeon.

All I do is pick and eat crumbs and climb mountains with party members hanging on to me.

I sneak ahead with my buffed up passive perception.

Okay,

so to end on an actual confession, we've got Aaron G, who says, to the holy priests and priestess of the church, I have been forsaken by Dice Christ and fear the heavenly retribution will never end.

I am new to D and D and I am a player in one campaign and a DM in another.

During my third session as a DM, my third level bard player Timothy thought it would be wise to convince every enemy they encountered for the entire session to meet them at the same place so he could throw them a concert.

After back-to-back nat 20s, Tim had convinced five bandits, three thugs, and one acolyte to congregate in the bandit captain's fort.

My players then threw a single alchemist fire into the room with them.

I asked if they had locked the door, to which they replied, no.

During the ensuing fight, every player and friendly NPC was downed except for Tim.

I had rolled eight Nat 20s, four of which were in a row, and instead changed them to 12 to 14s to give them some kind of a chance.

The PCs were barely able to survive the encounter.

I did not feel bad about my decision to not have a TPK on my third session as a DM and my players' third session ever.

However, cuts my other campaign where I play a paladin.

Over the past two sessions, typically four-ish hours long, I have not rolled above a 10, even with advantage.

I have yet to land a hit or pass an ability check.

I prostrate myself before the church and before Dice Christ.

What must I do?

for penance?

Must I kill my players?

I humbly await your judgment.

Wow.

Now that's a confession.

Now that's a confession.

That is also someone down and out pleading.

Pleading with dice criticism.

There's a lot of supplication there, which I love.

Which is how we love this.

Saying I have yet to land a hit or pass an ability check for two sessions.

That's eight hours.

That sucks.

Yeah.

That's right.

Yeah, that's tough.

I will say, yeah, I think as a DM, I think if you are going to fudge roles, it is with brand new players and it's just stopping yourself from critting.

Because

two bandits critting on a wizard is a death, and you might be like, maybe the best way to get you know, this person into DD isn't to kill them in the first encounter.

So, I think that level of fudging is fine.

I think you stop, you know, you ideally never have to fudge, but if you're ever going to fudge, that is the time to do it.

And then you stop once people know how to play.

So, I don't think your instinct is wrong there.

But I will say, I will say

you could get better as a DM of doing, are you sure?

Given looks like sometimes you got to do the little like,

you got to do the little like hint, hint.

If you're doing this plan, are you sure this is how you want to do it?

If there's like, although

you did ask, did you lock the door?

Yeah, which is like a very fair thing.

You were being very fair to them.

You were like, they didn't explicitly say this, but I'm going to give them the alley oop for their trick to work.

Is it possible that Dice Christ was bloodthirsty and you didn't feed?

Oh, interesting.

That is, we don't talk about that much, but yes, there is a sacrifice required.

How absolutely bloodthirsty Dice Christ is.

You have to sacrifice your players to Dice Christ.

Yeah.

That's wild.

And the fresher the player, the more tasty they are to Dice Christ.

Yeah.

I think that when they specifically didn't lock the door, I think that did give you carte blanche to, you know, just go nuts.

But I also, I also understand that you kind kind of pulling back a little bit.

So I think

right now, I think you're going to go through some rough times for a little bit.

I think your palate is going to suffer for a little bit, but I do think the rolls will come back.

Yeah, and you know, when in doubt, put your dice and pickle juice under a full moon.

Yeah, there you go.

Pickle your dice and you'll be good.

So forgiven.

So forgiveness.

So forgiveness.

Deeply forgiven.

With that, let's go ahead and wrap this one up.

We'll have more cases, bonus cases over on our Patreon, patreon.com slash nadpod.

N-A-V-E-P-O-D.

Don't sing yet.

Don't do it.

Don't even try.

I will freak the fuck out.

Does anyone have anything they'd like to plug?

I actually do.

Dimension 20 has got a bunch of live shows.

Yeah.

Soonest of which is on June 1st.

We will be at Hollywood Bowl.

So check out Dimension 20 at Hollywood Bowl.

We've also got over the summer, we're going to be at Climate Pledge Arena in Seattle, and we're going to be in Las Vegas in November.

So search Dimension 20 live and check that out.

All right.

Oh, speaking of live shows, I'll plug again this little thing I'm doing with Matt Mercer and Freddie Wong.

We're doing a creator karaoke competition.

It's going to be very fun on April 4th at the Vermont in Hollywood.

We're going to be singing songs with everyone, and it's going to be a fun little competition.

It's going to be definitely embarrassing on my part, but I think it's going to be a lot of fun.

It's going to be super weird.

So please come out and check it out.

Do you know what song you're singing?

I guess don't tease me.

But just if you have recommendations for a song,

you're beautiful.

Yeah, that's perfect.

Yes, I'm going to do that.

For sure.

I actually feel like New Metal really kills.

But maybe it's just the crew that I do it with.

But like, if you do, you know, you're a tough thing.

I know.

You're kind of like.

Oh, and Evanescence?

Oh, Evanescence will kill you, dude.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Oh, and then you turn the mic out to the crowd for the wake me, wake me up.

Yeah.

Yeah.

That might be it.

We might have just figured it out.

We might have just figured it out.

Come watch me just absolutely crush it with some new metal early 2000s rock jams

at karaoke.

So be on the lookout for that.

In the meantime, you can follow us on social media that Remay or MayNetUs at Sage Versus Me.

I call these Caldwell, Addie Extra Demo, and Achiegrutes Jake.

And you can talk about the show online using hashtag NADPOD.

That's NEDDPOD.

We are, we are.

Youth of the nation.

We are, we are.

Youth of the nation.

It's the end of the show, everybody, and that means I need to shout out our benevolent council of elders, starting with Brad D, Jeffrey S, Lord of the Fjord, Later McSkater, Matt M, Cutter W, Jeff C, Daniel G, Danielle the Dastardly Dame, Carpe Liam, Victor T, aka Balnor's Boy, Hoyd's Friend, Justin I, Danny Danster, TJM, Trele the Cray, Christopher B., Damiel R, Jordan L, Cyborg version of Josh the Cobald, Targot, Stevie Wags, Hellish Rebuker, the NBDM Ph.D.,

Princess Yar, Jory S, Jack L, Nicholas C, Star of Every Film Ever Made in Bahumia, Mike H, Alka Smeltzer Plus, Great Value Gemma, Tyler F, Herodrian, Carborough Chapel Hill FPV, Cece Lulu, Ol Cobb's Dunkel Older Burn, Hercule Poirot the Rabbit Folk Detective, Timmy R, Raikou,

Calder Comes Cold, shout out to the cold come companions, Frosty Facial, Taylor B, maybe the real treasure was the friends we made along the way, Cass Strong Grinch, Steven, shout out to Bowie the Troll C, Mike K, Nick W, William W, Big Bad Beardo the Mad, Ananorama, Percival, Frederickstein, Von Mussel, Klazowski, De Rolo III, Jay Dragonborn, Guardian of the Vibe, Honoring the Cock, Manes, Hegemony, Ben A, Dave H, Not That Nick, Danny F, Hawkeye Pierce, Bookvar's Assistant Issy F, Big Bad John, DPC is Awesome, Hashtag HonorTheCock, Sean, the Shade Tree Mechanic of Zelbaldar, Summer Rose aka Grand Tear Mark the Dark Lord's Taint Cat C, Misa of House and Zunza Ariel the Occasional Mermaid Selena N, aka Velay C Raptor, B Perky Always, Pat L, Maxwell J, Lauren H, Serve 16, Annie the Fae Wild Therapist, Connor S, Salil, BioQuirt 7, Amber Dextrus, Bean Rat Was Innocent, Trub Hopdropper, Jack H, King of of the mole people under Iron Deep, dressed in blue and fighting his way through a bracket-style tournament, Valen, Podge, the bitchin' bunny bard, Carlin C, Noah the Bullywug Boy, hashtag honor the cock, James G, everything bago, the Eladron, who just wants to hang out with his pet badger, Stripey, Reverend Chatterbones, Han,

Eric B, Marcos, learns the balance druid, Frida M, Maggie,

Holly, the green laughing hyena, Cal misses the D5s with all her heart, Aaron B, Russell H, a monk named Dilgo, yes, the whole thing, yes, every time, Cody C, Lorelei the succubi, and Kyra the succulent snack, McKenna Stout, your friendly neighborhood yaunt and young, Andrew and Sid, John Adams, we can be done with the presidential puns, Meg the mail carrier of Bahumia, James F, Austin S, Wayfarer now has to do something with the trolls, get rid of them, turn to page 42, keep them, Turn to page 69.

Shane C, Barpo Good Barrel Barbarian.

Garrett G, One Big Curd.

Renee the Monster Captain.

Olivia the Enchanting Bard.

And Jared the Soap Opera Cleric, who will be auditioning for Callie's acting troop.

Blue Ash, Fico, Garrett the Artificer.

Damon, son of that one merchant named John.

Valkyrie, the Gert C brother.

Anthony, the raddest of dudes.

Jay, the fairies have amended all their ways and are volunteering at their local petting zoo.

Yeet,

Cantrip Dumbledore, the Bear Onesie wearing barbarian.

Lexi loves the two crew.

Thank you, Lexi.

Roger L, Nodrog, the pass-a-fist barbarian.

Gino T, John Luca, Tristan the talentless hunk.

Leon K, legendary hero of Bahumia from a future campaign.

Shenanigans O'Connor, Mios the Great, Joshua S., Lins W, Johnny Dude K, Pavu Eskinar, the Goliath Paladin providing service with a smile.

Tim M, T.R., MLG Cheeto, Shell B., Kenna's first favorite spray girl, writing a non-sexual sonnet about nature for the Order of the Oaken or It's Not Going Well.

Snailis, who's infecting Worcester from within.

Walter, the Wetlands Wizard, wrought with Wonderlust.

Pawpaw Sky Days, Mima Skydays, Megan N., Anthony B., Savannah H., Balnor's best friend Steve, Stephanie of House and Zunza, Benjamin A., Gimli the Corgi, Pawpaw and Foster's canine friend, Mikael A, Josh H, Pilot of the Nightmareverse Flight, The Two Crew Blew Through, Jennery, Ethan the Mailman, Maple the Shy Bookworm, Ashosaurus, Seth E, Billy Batson, Tori the Tungsten Dragoose, Accidental Sharer of Recipes, Michael L.

S.

II, Carl B.

Plumber of the Realm, Dex Riddlewell, Hannah A.

Ra, Ace Dreggs, High Lord of Critzburg, Darius D, the guy from that one thing, Vin Diagram, Catamilius the Consumed, A Gun, Banjo Boy of the Flatlands with two working kidneys, Bard of Holding, Clinton P, Grinchful Cam, the Grinch Frogman, Dean, Jake W says, Hi, Mom, Tuesday Cross, the choose your own adventure writer, not the porn star, Steve L, Tyler McM, Alex G, Zibodabachery, Nicole, Kaylee of the Order of the Oaken Ore, Lady Jacqueline P of Castle Whitestone, Greg W wants the D20 truck nuts, Jake thought up, Baruch Thunderhelm, fifth generation Minotaur working as an abandoned labyrinth tour guide, literally Satan, Chupac Aubrey, Boney is Dead, Cohen P, the Duke of Silk's missing son, The Waterworth, Nick, and finally Amy.

Thank you all so much for listening.

Thank you to all of our Patreon subscribers and all of our benevolent council of elders.

We'll be over on our Patreon, patreon.com/slash nadpod talking about the show.

In the meantime, we'll catch you all next time.

That was a head gum podcast.