D&D Court: A Mastermind and an Artist (w/ Ally Beardsley!)

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Dungeon, Dungeon, Dungeon Dungeon,

Dungeon, Dungeon, Dungeon,

Dungeon, Dungeon,

Dungeon.

Welcome to Dungeon Court.

Dun Dun.

we are your supreme crit justices at murphy oxford tanner and joined again by justice allie beardsley welcome back thank you how was your recess how was your sabbatical it was good a lot of people paid for a lot of things for me

happy

reporting we're not supposed to admit to that wow gorgeous painting of myself

you've been flying private a lot justice i've been i've been flying only private yeah all those pictures on a boat that you said mine.

Yeah, I thought that was a joke.

Perfect to downtown LA.

That's a short flight.

No super short flight.

Perfect to LAX.

I didn't know that they let you paint your face on the plane.

I thought they do right on the nose thing.

Yeah, when it's private,

you just get to get it's free range.

Dangerous chemicals, too.

They kind of leak out into the air.

It's pretty fucked up.

Yeah, it is.

I only used lead-based paint, as we all know.

I'm laughing.

You have to.

As boomers, we love lead paint.

And then, of course, lead paint paint is like slightly sweet, and that's why like

the paint chips were kind of like had a sweet taste.

Oh, I thought you were kidding.

No, I thought you were being like a bad influence.

This could be fake.

This could be like a fake fact that just floated into my head.

No, I think you're right, because I think I've been around

lead paint and eating.

What are you admitting to?

I have some memories.

I mean, gasoline smells rad.

Yeah, that's right.

You know, I what's your guilty pleasure?

Yeah, gasoline.

And then, of course, you got the lowly, lowly, lowly, lowly bailiff.

Take her witch, yes, introduced after gasoline.

Thank you.

Yeah,

that's why I only did a few lowlies.

Yeah, because you, yeah, you demoted me enough.

And with that, hear ye, hear ye.

Crit is now in session.

The honorable Supreme Crit Justices Oxford, Murphy, Tanner, and of course, Beardsley presiding.

And our first case comes from Rebi D.

Rebi writes.

That's so pleasurable to say.

Rebid, Rebid,

Rebi D.

Rebi

writes, to the beloved and honorable judges and whimsical bailiffs.

Thanks a lot.

I present to y'all the case of the banishment bungle, an incident that hath conjured a rift betwixt party and DM.

We were a high-level party fighting a homebrew dragon turtle.

Our cleric dedicated nearly every turn of combat to trying to banish said turtle when after a gnarly bite attack, he wound up in its mouth.

On his next turn, he cast banishment again, and it worked.

Now, the question that caused this rift is this.

Does the cleric get banished too?

Whoa.

We ended our session to debate this query and ended up later running our own mock DD court, which I encourage everyone to do at home.

Yeah.

We players rocked up, dressed as lawyers, and our DM got so into the bit that he wrote a 3,000-plus word brief on his ruling.

Oh my God.

Share the brief.

Share the brief.

Leave the brief.

I do ask everyone to keep it brief, but not like that.

A 3,000-word brief on his ruling, which was against the cleric citing a quote vor clause for the fact that our cleric was inside the turtle.

But judges, how do you rule?

Should the banishment have affected our poor cleric?

I just want to start out by saying I actually got really distracted because I thought that this

was a banishment bunghole.

Oh.

And so I've been waiting for a butthole that was banishment brutal.

A butthole that never came.

You really bunghole that one i guess i mean what is banishment but creating a bunghole to another world yeah sure

and what is the mouth but a banishment to the bunghole okay what is the mouth but heaven's bunghole baldwell's holding up his phone i assume he either got an urgent text or he has banishment pulled up oh it's a picture of a turtle's butthole oh

person thanks

oh cool uh my wife is saying need to talk and i'm just like pushing that aside

i've been there brother Trust me, you do not want to have that conversation.

You need to talk zero punctuation is the scariest text or obviously.

Just period.

Or just period.

Or just punctuation.

Or call me.

Oh, yeah.

No punctuation.

I desperately tried to pinch zoom in on the turtle butthole, and those wife texts keep interrupting me.

You need to talk.

The best response to that is, yeah, good luck with that.

I'm learning so much, Piety.

Let's talk paint together.

Okay, I do have the banishment spell pulled up.

I can read it.

It's a long one, so strike it.

I think that we should read it, though, because there might be an answer directly in here.

Okay, let's see.

Range is 60 feet.

Target one creature that you can see with that.

One creature.

One creature.

That's one of the creatures.

It might say anything they're wearing or have eaten.

You didn't need to learn how to tie a Windsor knot and show up to your box.

I was going to do a tutorial on a Windsor.

My instinct was to rule in favor of the cleric.

My knee jerk instantly was not that the cleric goes with them.

You are a different entity, and it was the cleric that cast it, right?

Yes.

Right.

So it's like you're holding your hand out.

You're casting banishment on this thing.

It's a magic spell.

It doesn't have to break.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

The turtle is not wearing you.

I don't think that's how food works.

But go on.

Well, now I'm really thinking about it.

Even though this is totally, this is already buttoned up because of the sentence.

Okay.

So

it's so funny how far, how deep it went.

We all got into costume.

There's a few thousand.

And the first thing to say is one creature and only one creature moving right along there could be there could be a sentence call well said it's long yeah that's true let's keep on all right i'm going to components verbal somatic material uh an item distasteful to the target uh so i guess something i mean it'd be hard to find this is gonna take way too long if we discuss every single little word in you know what we haven't gone deep in a while yeah keep going uh concentration up to one minute let's see you attempt to send one creature that you can see within range to another plane of existence target must succeed on a a charisma saving door or be banished.

If the target is native to the plane of existence you're on, you banish the target to a harmless demi-plane.

While there, the target is incapacitated.

Target remains there until the spell ends, which points the target reappears in the space at left or in the nearest unoccupied space if that space is occupied.

If the target is native to a different plane of existence than the one that you're on, the target is banished with a faint popping noise.

That's fine.

Oh,

that's interesting.

Not relevant, but introduction.

Projection, not relevant.

Like when you stick your finger in the bunghole of your face, you pop it out.

Returning to its home plane.

If the spell ends before one minute is passed, the target reappears in the space at the left or in the nearest unoccupied space.

Sure, if that space is occupied, otherwise, the target doesn't return.

Um, when you cast a spell using a spell slot of fifth or level or higher, yeah, target one additional creature for each uh slot level above four.

Definitely not target, did not target themselves on purpose.

I think, based on the text, yeah, this is cut and dry.

This is pretty cut and dry, yeah.

What was the 3,000 word?

And what was the lore clause?

No, it was a vor claw.

Yeah, which I looked up as kind of like a

eating king.

Yeah, right.

It's like a mum king.

Is it to be eaten?

I think it's to be eaten.

Uh-huh.

Yeah, to be devoured by something.

I don't know what that has to do with banishment.

I think I'm just gonna be aware of it.

I think I just

wanna be aware of that.

This is how we got to the 3000 words.

Yeah, yeah.

Because it's like, you know, you could see like a picture of Sonic and he swallowed Knuckles and Knuckles is like, help, help, I'm in the tummy.

I mean, that is how a lot of people like in like ancient Greece won arguments just by talking more than the other one.

Yeah, no one had to go to bed because it was dark out and there on the candles.

Yeah, this judge was trying to post their way through, which is a risky maneuver.

Yeah, I think this is cut and dry.

There's lots of good punishments on the table right now.

It feels like there's bungholes, there's being devoured, there's being banished.

We could do like a 9,000-word retraction of the voice.

Oh, that's hard.

Oh, maybe they have to do a mea culpa.

The person who wrote the 3,000-word document does a 3,000-word mea Right, yeah.

3,001-words.

3,001.

The last word measure.

Sorry.

Oh, love that.

Sorry to us, though, specifically.

As an addendum, we could also make them adopt a turtle because they live for a long-ass time.

And that's just like a lot of work.

That's just a lot of work.

Are they a lot of work?

They live forever.

I don't think they're that much for a long time.

My mom just got a lowest.

Iris Corgis, and I'm like, holy shit.

That's your

turtle.

That's your dishing.

That's your name.

Like, you bought me a turtle.

Yeah, exactly.

I need to know everything about this.

Massive, it's name, name, Hillary.

This is something that comes up a lot in DD court where people try to take like real-world things and shit.

Yeah.

There are just mechanics for this.

It's just like the character is grappled in the person's mouth.

They cast a spell.

They're out.

It seems fun to be in the belly of a beast.

Yeah.

And like, because a lot of the times, those situations, how the heck do you get out?

Maybe you just banish the thing that's eaten.

Yeah, I think that's such a fun solution.

If you're watching the movie of this moment, it's not like they both disappear.

Yeah, it's like disappears around them.

they drop

like you're covered in nasty gowns because also it sounds like it failed a couple times right yeah it's like you're building up to this moment and in or and to just be like actually

fuck yeah i actually i got you

you know you actually get hit by your own fire actually

that was so epic we're all gonna stop playing and discuss it now because you crit with your sword you actually also hit yourself

your follow-through was so insane knocked your helmet off um i prefer the story was worse, thank you.

I'm sure there's people listening like slamming their desk being like, but they're inside it when they banish it.

It's fucking magic.

Yeah, it is magic.

The turtle disappeared and you stayed.

But also, like, you're not a part of the turtle until the stomach acid dissolves you.

If you really need to get down to the biology,

if we're going to bring real-world stuff in here, we'll use the turtle body.

If a turtle were to eat you, would you really become part of them?

Or would parts of you nourish the turtle while the rest of you then gets shit into the I actually don't know.

I mean, the part of you that nourished it would become part of the turtle, but that's after your digestive.

But that's the part of you that doesn't get shit.

When you're just in the mouth, your digestion does start in the mouth, though.

Should we take a touchdown break?

I'll do some research.

Should I go back to college?

I have a tie in my car.

We really should get a court turtle just to have the mascot.

So that's a punishment for Rebjer.

For generations, yeah.

So

we're all adopting turtles, and you owe us an apology.

Our next case comes from Anna Zhu.

Anna writes, to the effervescent justices and the whatever, do we be bailiff?

After a close encounter with the BBEG that involved the destruction of a civilization of giants, our party managed to escape via high-speed boat and reunite with old NPC allies.

After experiencing those harrowing events, my PC decided to spend some time alone.

At the time, this didn't seem like a big deal.

But near the end of the session, our DM asked me for a saving throw out of nowhere.

I fail.

My PC is kidnapped by the BBEG, and the session ends.

I was devastated.

I complained and complained, but all the DM said was, quote, I'm a mastermind and an artist.

Well, I was really on their side until that.

And for several sessions, I had to play as my PC's sister.

Whenever I would ask about my kidnapped PC, I would only be reminded by my DM that, quote, he was a mastermind and an artist.

Wow.

Now I'm back on track.

I know I didn't consider it.

It's a rule of threes.

It becomes again like the confidence, you know.

Now, I may have been a little stupid and intoxicated as the BBEG had ways of kidnapping characters from anywhere, and my PC's magic was of special interest to the BBEG.

Okay.

So I ask, Your honors, is our DM a so-called mastermind and artist?

P.S.

The situation was resolved with a high-stakes Indiana Jones-style infiltration into a magic demonic laboratory where my PC absolutely fried the villain with godly fireballs.

So

okay, so look, let's take I'm a mastermind and an artist and put it to the sock.

We do have to come back to exhibit DMs.

We do have to come back to it.

Without that, removing that from the situation, it sounds like your DM was trying to set you up for a badass breakout.

It's also, this is what happens in like a ninja turtle story, right?

It's like whenever Raphael gets upset and goes off by himself, that's when he gets captured.

Yeah, that's the turtle that gets captured.

Today is about turtles, huh?

It really is.

I didn't even realize that.

If you think about the mastermind in an artist thing, when you're

to stop.

She can't keep getting away with that.

Oh, my God.

I need that shirt.

I need that dirt.

Sorry, Jake, what were you saying?

I actually think we should call it.

The episode closes, Pete.

The episode's over.

It's over.

It's Turtle Tursday.

It's Turtsy Turtle Day.

Let's go get a drink.

The mastermind and the artist thing is kind of like you're like asking for your PC back.

And you're like, no, you know, they're gone because I'm a mastermind and artist.

But then as you do the Indiana Jones heist, you realize the DM was maybe saying, don't worry.

Yeah.

I'm a mastermind in charge.

I think that's definitely what they were saying.

Totally.

There's also, I know it seems like railroady or whatever, but there are spells that if you fail them, you are captured.

Yeah.

You know what I mean?

Like a BBEG

would typically have if that big bad evil guy at the end of the campaign would have something like a dominate monster which just means you're charmed and under full control which would mean like you just lose your character yeah for a little bit yeah so that makes sense and it sounds like you're at the end times where a bbeg is destroying a civilization yeah yeah and then you're like all right i'm gonna go for a walk yeah yeah which also they said that they were like intoxicated i feel like a couple of details were hidden about what was going on yeah it's even at the 11th hour it sounds like a cool story moment where it's like you just witnessed this terrible thing.

Your character goes off and is drinking ales looking out over like the sunset being like, why the hell am I doing this?

And then suddenly you get captured.

Yeah.

That's kind of fucking cool.

It's kind of fucking cool.

Okay, so now let's reintroduce I'm a mastermind and an artist.

Yeah, yeah.

Now I think that's just I think that's just saying trust me.

Do we think it's a joke or do we think it's just serious?

I can see a version where someone's being cheeky and they're like, I'm a mastermind and an artist.

And I'm like, okay, you're up to something.

Something's up your sleeve.

But I can see a dead serious version.

I'm a mastermind and an artist.

Yeah.

That really is awful.

If they fumbled it, I wouldn't give them a generous read.

But the fact that this ended well suggests to me that the DM is a good DM.

Do we all agree that the DM cooked?

Yeah, yeah.

The DM cooked.

It sounds like it was mechanically sound.

Yeah.

And then you were able to play a backup or like a sister character.

So you were still very much involved and then huge payoff.

And then you got revenge.

It's great.

Yeah.

Yeah.

If anything, I think that maybe they are a mastermind.

Unfortunately, you're DM.

Yeah.

Like the situation has been proven out that your DM is in fact a mastermind.

Yeah, yeah.

Unfortunately, I agree.

The only alternative here would be if the DM, while you're trying to protest, just slowly put a single finger on your lips and shushed you.

Which I think that saying I'm a mastermind and an artist is actually a little more respectful than that.

Yeah, it is more respectful than I read.

Than physically shutting someone up.

Yeah.

It also is way more, saying I'm a mastermind and an artist is way more respectful than angrily shutting your laptop and saying well then why don't you dm

right so it actually is more respectful

i think it's fun to imagine how long it took between the moment when this person walked off by themself and the dm captured them because i'm sure the second they walked off by themselves the person was like salivating and like yes i can finally do this thing right and so that's the mark of a good dm is how much time passed between them and them and that was natural like if the DM was just like, you're out on your own, BBEG grabs you.

Yeah.

And that sucks.

Like they, they made the bad.

Also, if it was really early in the campaign and it's like, oh, this guy has a dominate monster and I'm level three.

Yeah.

Something like that.

Then it's bullshit.

But it sounds like it was the end of the campaign.

You went off on your own.

And it also sounds like story-wise, you just witnessed this terrible thing.

Sorry, but there needs to be a new story arc.

This is the new, this is the cold open to the new season.

Yeah, yeah.

And that brings us

you need to learn some responsibility you're gonna get a turtle yeah yeah that's true a baby it's it's dressed as a baby though and your teacher did give it to you and you have to bring it back alive it's a it's a tirsty tursday and adoptions are two for one oh so you get two for one

turtle for whatever

That's true because you do need to need to learn to trust the process, right?

What is more trusting the process than looking after a turtle that you're talking about?

You can't spell trust without turtles.

That is the problem.

you can't spell trust without you can't spell turtles without trust that's true yeah too true that's too true we don't we don't tur true turtles i'm actually gonna go ahead and write that one down and try and remember it for the future you can't spell turtles without trust

make sure you write down tirsty tursday yeah

yeah we're gonna

get that one yeah oh it's a tattoo that she has

tur for one buy one get one tur okay i think you you need to go up to your dm and you need to go you know what you are a mastermind and a genius and you can't spell turtles without Trump.

Oh, you know what?

Your two turtles are going to be named Mastermind and Artist.

Oh,

that's great.

Oh, wow.

That's great.

And then next time they say, I'm a mastermind and an artist, you can say, no, my turtles aren't.

No,

they are.

The turtles are just sitting on the table for all games going forward.

I just live with them.

The turtle shells are painted like they do at the mall and they're really fucked up.

Yeah, where it's just like...

Spray painted.

Yeah, I don't think this is hurting the turtle, but this does look like animal graphics.

Exactly.

It doesn't need to look like a soccer.

Yeah, we don't need

to have this idea.

Let's stop that.

As long as they don't use the lead paint that Beardsley uses.

Yeah, exactly.

That's fine.

Okay.

So good.

There was that episode of Hey Arnold where the turtle had painting on him, and it was really upsetting.

Yeah, but that was a graffiti, though.

Yeah, I don't like it.

I don't like that.

I don't like that.

I don't like that.

I don't like it.

I like when the turtle went better than that.

It's a shell.

It means something different to him than a wall does to us.

Yeah, that's really true.

Yeah.

That's the other touch of the story.

Hey, I don't see you writing that down, though.

If you banish the shell, the turtle's shell is not a wall.

Oh, that's a good question.

If you banish the shell, does the turtle remain?

That's its spine, so it would go.

Okay,

that was crazy.

Um, all right, so ordered.

Unless we're, is there any more?

Shell is a home.

I feel like that got lost.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Okay, any more turtle things?

That's right.

Anybody wants to say that?

It's not a wall, it's four walls and a roof.

Yeah, aka home.

Let's move on.

Our next case comes from

home.

Let's go.

High, nice.

Our next case comes from Highgrove.

To the right honorable judges and the Supreme of the Supreme Crit and the lowliest bailiff, Jake, I bring the case of the goodbye gift, Grift.

In my college years, I had the pleasure of being part of an amazing D ⁇ D campaign that stretched many years.

Big shout out to my DM, Kyle.

You set my imagination on fire.

Oh, my God.

Yes, it's beautiful.

The adventure was a rousing success, but one moment has continued to nag at the back of my mind, the exit of the original party's wizard.

It was a natural, no-bad feeling situation.

He had finished school and was moving, and his exit was justified in lore as his character dedicating himself to studying the portal arcana we would eventually need to rescue another character from bear hell.

Beautiful.

Bear hell?

Bear hell.

Which

bears go.

I don't know if it was like bear hell, like B-A-R-E, is if there's only one hell, not nine hells.

Where bears go when they're bad.

Or like a new hoggle, I was right there with you.

I appreciate the decision.

I don't know what anyone's talking about.

When bears do not make up for their sins, they go to bear health.

Yeah, you go to bear hell.

They don't bear repent.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Does a bear prey in the woods?

Yeah.

You killed too many salmon.

Not once again at bear hell.

Go on.

Okay.

He had his final session, got in his boughs and roses, and exited with the vast majority of the party's cash supply to fund his research.

Okay.

Smash cut to four sessions later, and one of the party members asks the DM if we've heard how this research is progressing.

Imagine our surprise to hear that no research was being done.

The wizard had absconded with nearly all of our gold, not to research how we might confront the bear devil, but to fuck off to a personal retirement plane like some sort of Elminster meets Danny Ocean.

Oh my god, you did a pyramid scheme?

I put it to the court.

Was this a dick move or an objectively hilarious goof?

Were we rightfully fleeced like the sheep we are?

Or should the wizard's retirement plane have been raided by the Interplanar Bureau of Investigation?

I humbly await your judgment.

Okay, so okay, the thing that we don't know here is...

Was it the wizard?

Yeah.

Did the player and DM say, this is a funny end, or did the player say, I'm going to do this, move to another city?

And then the DM said, this happened.

Yeah.

And also, is the bear devil a devil that's a bear or is it a devil that is just fully naked?

What's a naked devil?

It's a fucking devil that is a bear.

That's not where it is.

I don't know where it is.

Thank you, Caldwell.

We're making the clarifications, the verifications that I need.

If you don't fucking apologize for your sins you go to bear hell yeah if you're a bear yeah

don't pray bear jesus died for those sins

they're already forgiven all these

bear jesus bear jesus regular jesus it's bear jesus

guys this is so fucking simple bear jesus died for their sins he's crucified on the honeycomb yeah

there you go

and

and

yeah he was stabbed in the side by a bead yeah multiple bees hands and feet yeah and then this campaign sounds awesome

the band and then then there is Winnie the People.

It's kind of a fucked up Winnie the Pooh.

I've been writing it for years.

People just judicious.

If you're interested, I actually have a lot more.

I have a lot more where that came from.

I've acted out a few of them.

What were we talking about?

So basically, one PC,

like a send-off, and then...

I'm going to assume that this was okayed by the wizard or even the wizard's idea.

If the DM just or was the DM like, you know what, I don't want you guys to find out too much about this portal.

I'm going to hide it from you.

I don't want to.

If that happened, that would be bullshit.

That would be, if that was the case, that would be bullshit because that's a perfect way to be like, all your money and efforts gave you this really cool clue.

Yeah.

It was so easy to come up with just a little bitty clue.

Yeah.

I'm interested how much money factors into this campaign because some of them it doesn't matter that much.

And you're like,

so if this was like a major loss and you needed that money or those items for shit and they're all gone, like it's not just like a percentage of them funny joke.

Yeah.

that's brutal.

Well, the more of them are gone and the more they need them, the funnier it gets to me.

Yeah.

It is funny to have a really nice end-to-end campaign

and then privately message your DM, be like, by the way, I just fucked off after I.

Yeah,

I took everything.

Yeah.

It is kind of nice to be like, some characters, you're like, I don't know, this person just wants to fucking retire.

Yeah.

The retirement part.

But they lied.

I think they were trying to research something.

They did lie.

I know, I know.

That's not okay.

My head canon is that they like tried to research for like a week and were like, oh, this is really hard.

Yeah.

And then they just went to Cabo.

Oh,

that's nice.

That reminds me.

Did you guys ever watch Franklin growing up?

It was on after the turtle shirt.

The big red dog.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Another turtle shirt.

Yeah, it reminds me of like an episode on there where Franklin steals everybody's turtle.

He embezzles like how what?

For retirement.

Franklin is like 10 years old.

Franklin would never.

It was fucked up.

I don't know if you guys remember that episode, but it just popped into my mind as an eye.

Franklin would never.

I wouldn't put it past him.

Yeah.

Really?

It was a devious little shit, Franklin.

No, no.

I think about that episode every day.

He was kind.

Not that I actually remember the show that much.

I have to admit, I have never even seen the show.

Right now, it feels like you guys are talking about a fake show, and I don't know if he's a fan of the family.

Hurt

it.

I'm a child's turtle about financial literacy.

Yeah,

I think he was in bear hell.

That's where I think.

Turtles don't go to fucking bear hell, dude.

You guys know such fucking little about bear hell, it's actually insane.

Not all.

Bears that die, who are bad, go to bear hell.

The bear devil is there.

He's not naked unless he chooses to be.

He is a bear who is a bad person.

You're cutting my wrist.

He stayed neutral when the bear angels are.

You're digging,

dude.

Yeah, you're digging your nails in my wrist.

All turtles are Buddhists.

Who's getting punished here?

I think we have to punish either the wizard.

Or the DM.

That's really hard though, right?

Because it is kind of a funny thing for the right group.

Yeah.

It's also, it feels like a fun way to like reintroduce the wizard for a one-shot or something like that, where it's just like all the way.

Where they just kick his ass.

They find him in retirement.

He's like, what?

Oh, sorry.

Oh, the research is coming along.

Yeah.

Can I actually get some more?

He's on the beach.

Yeah.

Oh, shit.

I know I was going to do the research.

Surrounded by gorgeous.

I think if money factors heavily or you need some of this shit back, a punishment could be you find like a jackpot somewhere in an upcoming session and and get some of that back.

Yeah,

but if it was just like you know if you're just like having gotten fleece, but it didn't really materially matter, then it's kind of funny.

And I think

you're punished.

I think the answer to both of the questions is yes.

Like it was the dick move and it was funny.

So hard.

It almost like cancels each other.

I think the only way that I would be against the wizard here, or not, not against the wizard, is against this idea is if the DM decided that the wizard did that.

Did it on the other side?

Because then that's besmirching the good name of the wizard.

The wizard wanted to have a nice ending for their character.

Actually, your character's a fucking jack.

If the wizard and

that's funny.

And if the wizard intended to go do research and the DM decided that they robbed you, then it's fine.

Maybe we could punish the DM to run a heist where you get your shit back.

Yeah, that's funny.

Yeah, that's interesting.

You have to go to the wizard's tower, which is just a Playboy Mansion.

Yeah, it's like a tower run of the Playboy Mansion.

But

I think we can do a generous read.

I'm going to take a seat for all of the Playboy Mansion.

Sign me up.

Excuse me.

Not to borrow a phrase, but you've lit my imagination on fire.

That's true.

Kyle wouldn't do this, right?

Kyle would not.

Kyle lights imaginations on fire.

Kyle would not decide what this wizard did.

So this must have been the wizard's plan, in which case I think it's fine.

I also think, like, I don't know, I'm all for deprioritizing loot-mindedness loot-mindedness in DD.

It's like, let's.

I love loot.

Yeah, I love loot.

Loot's fun, but sitting there and being like, how much money does he have on him?

How much is it?

What sword does this bandit have?

It's just like, the bandit has a shitty sword.

He's a bandit.

You're a hero.

Oh, the family Eric sword that my father gave me.

Can I hawk this?

Yeah.

How much is it worth?

Do you cut all of that out?

Yeah.

Every single episode?

Especially the desperate.

Yeah, the desperation and the heavy breathing.

I killed the bandit.

I killed the bandit.

What is the bandit's cloak worth?

Nothing.

He has to be a bandit to live.

How many match can I buy?

He didn't want to be a bandit.

He's a bandit because he's not doing great.

Yeah.

Yeah.

He doesn't, you know, you guys like our level 10.

So you have gold teeth?

Are saving the world.

Can I go back to the bandit's teeth?

Yeah, I guess.

Okay, yeah, you probably open this man's mouth.

He has, let's roll.

Okay, he has a gold tooth.

Yay!

Yay!

Is this, are you all enjoying this?

Is this all...

I rip out his jaw.

I flipped the jaw away from the chain.

I stabbed Emily for stealing my gold.

This guy, this guy who was trying to make ends meet, you pull his teeth off his dead body.

We're all going to bear hill, aren't we?

Yeah, I think as long as the wizard plans this, it's a funny thing.

I also was kind of, I don't know, my eyebrow went up when it was like, they needed a lot of our money when they left.

I was like, that's a weird ruling for the DM to make, but if the wizard plans this,

that actually sounds planned by both of us.

Exactly.

Yeah.

In a world where pranks now are like people harassing people in public and just like

smacking them.

Yeah, we'll just like hit someone with a gallon of milk at the Acme or something for TikTok.

It's like

stealing somebody's fake money

in a fake world, I think, is fine.

Feels so gentle.

Yeah, so gentle.

Okay, so is there going to be a punishment for the players?

Yeah, for the hyper players.

Yeah, you have to give the wizard real cash for getting this.

Yeah, memo them $5 and say you got me good dude yeah you got me have real cash you have it spend this on your next video see you in bear hell

uh okay you're going to bear hell with c cash uh so order turtled our next so

turtled yeah

um

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Thanks, everybody.

James B.

writes to the venerated, godlike Supreme Crit justices and the bailiff Johan,

who I'm honestly warming up to.

Is it Johann?

Johan, sure.

No, no, that's your name, right?

Johan?

Johan, yeah.

No, it's Goku's son, Johan.

Oh, I see.

Dude, stop.

Who am I?

You know, I'm a gamer.

You can't just say the stuff in front of me, my ass.

Go on.

Who I'm honestly warming up to, but is still on thin ice.

I present the case of the premeditated brother murder.

My group was preparing for a sequel campaign to the first that we had ever run, Curse of Strahd.

In that campaign, only two PCs made it out of Borovia.

including my ranger.

In session zero, one of the other players whose character, a gunslinger fighter, was lost to the Shadowfell, said he was interested in playing one of my PC's brothers.

In my backstory, My Ranger had a huge family with eight siblings who he cared about more than anything.

I was really excited about this, and he, the DM, and I worked out the details and collaborated to make a new PC, My Ranger's youngest brother, an arcane trickster rogue.

Great.

This song sounds great.

Yeah, we had a great time playing, and everything went well.

Wow.

Amazing.

Session one rolls around.

And for the plot hook, my my ranger and the rogue's family home is invaded by minions of the big bad.

Combat breaks out, and me and the rogue are stuck fighting two minions and a badass warrior henchman in our own burning home.

I immediately engage the warrior in hand-to-hand to give the rogue a chance to knock down the goons and back me up.

On the warrior's turn, they knock me down with a trip attack and immediately made for the rogue.

They then action surged and unload six attacks on the level four rogue.

The first four took them down, and the villain looked at my ranger in the eye and stabbed twice down into the heart of the dying rogue, my ranger's little brother, killing him.

I'm shocked.

A PC death this early?

I role-play my ranger struggling to breathe through the fumes of his burning home and crawling towards his brother's body.

Outnumbered, I stood no chance.

As the villain reared his spear to impale me, the walls shuddered as a shot rang through them.

On the other side, my friend's real character, his gunslinger from the last campaign, who I thought was lost in the Shadowfeld.

What?

Okay.

It turns out that he and the DM planned this from the beginning and used my PC's brother as bait for the reveal.

I could barely speak

for the rest of the second.

Jaws are on the floor in this room.

I was just wanting to know.

There's just so many DMs and players working together to fog over the party.

Hey, dude, how would you like to have one person at the table have an awful time?

Yeah.

This guy's a mastermind and an artist, I gotta say.

That's also so funny to be like, hey, I want to play

your player's little brother.

If we got together with you and status,

I would be earnestly upset.

I think

if someone was like, I'm going to play your little sibling, let's make this backstory together.

And you did all that stuff

on session zero,

it's revealed that they just wanted a big rise.

Because I would be like, hey, man, I've been journaling backstories.

Yeah,

so funny to see the gunslinger like blowing the smoke off his pistols.

Be like, were you surprised?

I came up with nicknames for you.

Yeah, totally.

Yeah, did it get I just wanted it to be authentic.

We had six other siblings we talked to.

Was there anything else yet?

The fight resolved, and the minions ran off, but not before kidnapping another member of my Rangers family.

Secession ended, and I was left reeling in real life with the gunslinger and the DM laughing as their delicious plot had shaken me, hook, line, and sinker.

They still razzed me about this

to this day.

You trusted us, you idiot.

Exactly.

Justices, was I the victim of a vicious premeditated murder?

I mean, yeah.

I'm like Eric's brothers.

Yeah.

Or was I just legendarily whomped?

I await your fair and reasonable decisions.

Okay, so.

It's interesting.

It's interesting hearing you all because I think that the way I play PCs is maybe very like DM-minded.

So I'm always thinking of like the macro and maybe not living in the moment as much as I should.

Macro Murphy.

Because that's what they call me.

That's what they call me.

But I do think this is a cool story thing.

So there is part of me that I'm like, this is a cool, actually a cool thing for my back.

And on that, on that

PS, actually.

Oh, okay.

Oh, we read the PS here.

My Ranger's brother was revivified next session, but it still hurt.

So the

player's playing.

I think it takes the sting out a little bit.

Yeah, brother.

It does take the sting out.

I think it just feels like confusion.

It's someone saying, like, do you want to play with me?

And being like, yeah, let's do it.

This will be so funny.

I think if you have a table where people go back behind the DM screen for one-on-one plans together, and everyone kind of gets a chance to have that influence on the story, then this is kind of like, oh, wow, that was pretty epic.

And that's kind of crazy.

But if you haven't really had that opportunity and it just feels like, oh, kind of weird, like

this person kind of mini DM'd at the table, not quite a PC and they did this like, yeah, crazy review.

They'll conspire against you and then raz you that they can't.

Yeah, yeah.

You had no chance of sniffing sniffing that out.

It's like, haha, we were able to lie to you as your friend.

Yeah.

I lied to you, not as my character, but as a person.

Yeah, totally, totally.

I think, yeah, I think it's like if they wanted to do this surprise, they like just didn't need to do the bait and switch.

They did it, yeah.

Because like, I agree, it is a great backstory.

And so, like,

that's a really cool moment.

It's just like, I'm sure that the experiencing it as a PC was almost undercut by the confusion as a player.

Yeah, yeah, totally.

I think you have this in your back pocket, like in case there's a character death.

It just feels like really weird to have this happen so suddenly and have it be so premeditated.

Yeah, I think the weirdest thing about it is the fact that I think ultimately maybe what makes this not work is that it undercuts the reintroduction of this other character, right?

Yeah.

So on the one hand, I am like, I would be surprised and I would be horrified and this would motivate my character.

But as soon as the person's like, here's my real character, I shoot the the thing.

And then they start laughing at me.

I'm like, I'm like, I no longer care about my brother.

I'm just mad at you.

We're being made fun of.

I don't care about this new character that you have.

There's also like extra preferential treatment that not that the DM and this person like conspired against you, but also that they let them bring back their dead character.

Yeah, like special treatment.

So yeah, that's true.

That's like double special.

treatment.

Yeah.

And meanwhile, you just got lied to.

Yeah, yeah.

It's also like this player is getting double dinners.

Like he's having dinners with the DM.

They're having dinners with this player as well.

Like there's too much backroom dealing going on.

Yeah, exactly.

I said this

about another case, but this is a classic, like, is there a group text I'm not on?

Yeah,

dude.

The greatest fear in the world.

And there was.

There was.

I feel like, yeah, I'm coming around to it because it is so dramatic and kind of cool.

I just think some of the dials need to be tweaked.

Maybe not Session Zero.

It undercuts it.

Yeah, it really undercuts it.

The fact that they're like, actually, this is my other guy and then you don't even get to be happy that the other character's there

you tricked me i'm not happy to see this yeah and yeah it's like you fight

i think

i think it's also like it's so rare that it actually works that someone's like i'm gonna make uh a fight you can't win right so it's like the the initial fight was made to be unwinnable so that this other person

could have their big reveal so being in an unwinnable fight is yeah i don't think i've ever felt it feel good it's a little writery it's a it's a little like this has to all go according to plan yeah so we're gonna kind of force it a little bit it's a tough thing because like it works in video games and tv and movies and stuff like that it feels good in like a final fantasy when like you get like trounced you know that you're gonna fight that boss later

it might have worked if the dm was just like hey i'm gonna bring a younger brother of yours into the thing and it wasn't like another pc yeah you were giving it away if you killed an npc at the start of it yeah and then the dm was like like, just kidding, I killed them right away.

You're like, whoa, huge deal, but I don't feel the same about it.

That is, I know there's something about PC.

Yeah, your friend was like, I'm going to play a character.

I'm not going to reveal them yet.

Yeah.

And then it's like, also, the description of like, I described my character choking on the smoke

as they reached for their dead brother.

It's just, Jesus Christ.

And they went, my character got super ripped.

That's like the biggest difference.

I think the reason that unwinnable fights can work in video games and not D ⁇ D is that for me, when I realize it's unwinnable, rolling feels stupid.

Yeah.

It gets to your turn and you're like, all right, I guess I attack.

It doesn't even fucking matter if I crit.

Yeah, and this was like DC 30 to not be charmed.

Okay, I literally can't do that.

Yeah.

Just take my guy.

That was drawn up with other playing games.

And you're still being made

for it.

And they're still being made fun of.

I think that's what really turns it against them is the fact that they're still, it really turns it against them.

is a wrong rattle.

I think it's a wrong race.

It's a wrongful rattle.

It's sure wrongful rats.

Yeah, it's a very wrong.

Yeah.

Well, but

I wish we could see how they celebrated after this.

We were just like, yeah, we got their ass.

Yeah, I should have seen the look on their face.

Yeah, I should have seen your face.

You were going to kill that character.

You were invested in the story, you idiot.

So this is, so we are going to rule against this DM and this player.

I think so.

Which is interesting because we had the opposite ruling on the other one.

I ultimately it's murdering someone's brother versus definitely

yeah yeah less of a prank this is more of a throwing a jug of milk at someone at wall you should have dodged that idiot

you should have been suspecting at all moments that someone might throw a jug of milk at you

but don't worry it's being filmed so you shouldn't be mad yeah i think that beardsly was right when it's like it's just like the dials need to be tweaked on this yeah or or it's the taste issue and maybe that's a different table yeah you want a more you know like gentle table and then there's some like dunk on you tables that people really find fun.

You have to like crossfade all the way to the other direction on this.

Yeah,

I think we treble up a little bit.

Wrongful Raz.

Premeditated murder, but also wrongful Raz.

It's a premeditated, wrongful Raz.

Yeah.

Oh my God, it was a premeditated Raz.

I hadn't thought of that.

Most of them

were premeditated Raz.

No, we had that one person who brought a referee costume.

No, that was a premeditated Raz.

That was a premeditated, really bad joke.

Wow.

They wore a referee costume with the whistle.

To say that somebody was a rules lawyer.

But they were just like overdoing it and the other person wasn't being a rules lawyer.

They showed up in the outfit.

They're like, are you in a referee outfit?

They just had their joke.

And it just didn't really ever come to fruition.

Yeah, the Razzing got rerouted.

Yeah.

Anyway, this one does sound like it worked to their credit.

Yeah.

Well, you know what?

The punishment should be that a referee has to sit at this table.

Oh, we should bring back that player's referee.

Whistle about a rom for Razzing.

This is, since this was premeditated, this is a first-degree Raz.

A first-degree Razzing.

Wow.

A first-degree wrongful Razzing.

First-degree Razzing.

Well, you can go to Bear Hell for that.

Yeah.

If you have to actually have to go to Bear Hell.

Yeah, I think you have to.

10 years in Bear Hell.

Yeah.

Maybe I'll walk around with a garbage picker-upper and beautify Bear Hell.

Yeah, you can do that.

You can pick that.

Community service in Bear Hell.

Community Service in Bear Hell.

Take some pride in Bear Hell.

Come on.

Is Bear Hell like.

You live here now.

If you ask one more fucking question about Bear Hell, Caldwell.

I'd say I'd be like, fucking Telba for Bears.

where does fuck

where does smokey the bear fit into this he's a good bear he does not go to hell bear heavy is he preaching against oh my god he backhanded he's a lie he's a lie what do you mean why is he not bringing up bear hell what do you mean

i feel like he should be preaching about he's on fucking billboards and shit he's not in hell he's talking about forest fires he's not talking about bear hell why the fuck would he talk about bear hell

i don't want to go there so then don't be a bear

hell is he agnostic?

What's going on?

Yeah, probably.

We got to get to the bottom.

What do you need to get to the bottom of whether every single person on earth is religious or not?

Spooky, the bear himself, is not religious.

I can't have a macro

gives a shit.

Bear health has bears.

We are not doing this today.

Not on Tirsty Turs Day.

Not on Tirsty Turs Day.

You cannot spell turtles without trust.

I'm so sorry.

Get in the shell with me, man.

Let's work this out.

I swear to God, if you ask one more question about bear health.

I can't make that promise.

Okay, we've got another circle.

I have another question about bear health.

But it's just hell for bears.

How many circles are there?

Fucking, what are there in the original one?

Nine.

Thank you.

Yeah, nine.

Nine circles of bear hell.

Well, it's a bear treachery.

Bear lost.

Sustained.

Bear heresy.

You guys got the last vision.

Yeah.

Limbo, bear limbo.

I have one more question.

I'm so sorry.

God damn it.

It's just hell for bears.

Are the layers shaped?

Bear Dante went to bear hell.

Are the layers shaped like a beehive?

No!

Okay.

Well, yeah, kind of.

I mean, if you think about Dante's Inferno, it's kind of beehive.

It's like the Olympic instead of like a behavior.

Yeah, it's like the fucking circle.

Yes, the circle's going down.

It's like a fucking honeypot.

It's like a Baroli circle.

Go on.

Yeah.

You got a lot of spit on my computer.

I can't really read it.

Jake, Jake, I beg of you, stand down.

We don't want him in this moment.

You don't.

Just freak out of either.

You don't want this smoke.

You do not want to go to bear hell.

Lando M.

writes, may it please the legendary and immortal justices, as well as the bailiff who will die alone and forgotten.

Jesus.

But he won't go to bear hell because he's not a bear.

It's not that hard to understand.

Go on.

They do write just a prediction, not getting it now.

Thank you for that.

I rolled up a bard for a dungeon crawly game with some people I'd met online.

Your first mistake.

After a little role play, the DM narrated thus ominously descending into the pitch-black dungeon on a rickety rope elevator.

You're in the Playboy Mansion?

Playboy Mansion.

Play Bear.

On Tursy Tursday of all days.

To keep everyone's spirit up, my bard played a little tune on his lute as we descended.

There was a short silence on the DM's side after this, but he said, all right.

And we continued.

On reaching the bottom of the elevator shaft, we were immediately ambushed by a bunch of kobolds.

As we fought, I decided to cast Thunder Wave, catching most of the kobolds and dealing a bunch of damage.

Yay!

There was silence on the DM's side again, but we continued until the next round where a couple of goblins entered the fight and the DM made a point of saying they'd been drawn by the noise.

I asked if the DM had rolled the original ambush because of the noise as well.

And he said, yeah, any noise we made would roll for new encounters.

Oh.

I was a bard.

Literally everything I did made noise.

We dragged our way through the three and a half hour combat without ever once leaving the first room of the dungeon.

Oh, oh my god.

I only understood.

That sucks because you don't even get to the grotto.

You don't even ask you.

Are we still?

We're still

there are bears and bunkers there's an open bar

and a turtle hugh hefner

big bag and you really want to meet shaft so many of the survivor contestants in there there's a good media room too it doesn't really have anything to do it's not sexy but it's just like there's like an expensive dv collection incredible and they have hulu yeah

we decided we were too injured to continue and we would just have to turn back but one player wanted to scratch a warning on the secret door that the ambushes had come out of silence from the dm more kobolds

Really?

From a scratch?

From a scratch.

In the six-hour session, half of the party died and we never played together again.

Cool.

I asked the DM.

Awesome job, DM.

I asked the DM why he didn't warn me that making a bard would make me completely useless in the dungeon, and he said that he didn't want to spoil the noise mechanic.

Just as the noise mechanic?

As if it was something that he specifically was like, okay.

Yeah.

What's going to make my DMing different?

The noise mechanic.

You have to understand, this guy, Kyle, set my imagination on fire.

Yeah,

ever since.

Then I've been ablaze.

Yeah, go on.

Was it wrong to have any noise we make bring new foes on us without warning?

Or was this a buttoned-up mechanic that just wrecked some dumb players?

I throw myself at the mercy of the only, the only

way I could see like a DM womping you was a little bit at the beginning.

If you're like, I play a song as I descend the elevator.

It's like, okay, well, now the bad guys are waiting for you at the bottom.

That's

the I think that's the only one.

Yeah, that's the only time where they could have got you.

After that, if you've built your entire dungeon on if there is any noise, more guys will come.

Fighting makes noise.

Like, there's just never-ending dudes forever.

Like, were you trying to do a quiet place?

Is that a problem?

Like, that's interesting.

There's a difference between playing a tune on a lute and scratching something into a door.

Yeah, scratches something you'd hear deep underground and not really like send your breath.

Also, it's just like, yeah, I bashed 10 kobolds' brains in with a mace, and then when I was done doing that, I scratched something into a door, and the scratch sent ripples through the cave.

It's like, as soon as you engage with like one, I mean, I guess maybe you could sneak up on like one kobold and like get him without making any noise.

But as soon as there's like a fight against like troops,

it's fucking over if that's your mechanics.

I think that this person spent so much time finding cool monster stat blocks that they only had like a paragraph to narrate one room.

Yeah.

They couldn't think of anything else.

They were like, maybe the grotto, but that's still a work in progress.

I think some, yeah, some DMs really play adversarially in a way it's like, I'm actually a lot smarter than you.

And a mastermind and an artist.

I'm going to hear it.

I was going to say, this person arrested me.

I'm a mastermind and an artist.

Yeah.

Maybe they just like suffered from, maybe they had this like, you know, noise mechanic, quote unquote.

Someone's playing a little tune on the loot.

You're kind of like, got him.

Maybe that felt so good as a DM.

They were like, I'm still chasing them yeah

and they're never running again and now we're down to i'm scratching a note and you're like got them they were like you've lost your chasing the loot high yeah they're chasing the loot high they're not gonna play l-u-t-e oh yeah l-o-ot

if it was just if it was just a few guys at the time and the mechanic was that this is a stealth mission you have to take them out quietly but the fact that it's like a bunch of cobalts come a bunch of goblins come throw throw some um throw some blow darts let them discover stuff that might help them as they're finding out these new mechanics Or else you just feel stuck.

Yeah, if three guards run forward after you make all this noise and then you kill them and then you're just like, ah, two around the corner run.

You're like, okay, we've got to be quiet now.

Yeah.

I don't think the acoustics of a dungeon are that good either.

Like, there's a lot of stone walls.

That's muffled.

That's it.

The grotto just projects.

That is.

I mean, you're just running water in that grotto.

Yeah.

Also, like, everyone's partying.

Like, I don't think everyone's listening to what's happening at the beginning.

Exactly.

The speakers are on.

Yeah.

Like, the bass is playing.

Pitbull is playing.

Mr.

Worldwide is there.

He's a turtle now.

I do think.

Mr.

Turtwide, go ahead.

You kind of...

If you're introducing a new mechanic, you almost have to run your players through like a tutorial where they learn

as they go.

Like Beardsley was just saying, like, have them discover things that play into the mechanics naturally.

Like if they see that the other guys are using blow darts or something like that, or they've got, you see people that are knocked out because you're like capturing guards

to be quiet.

You have to teach.

the breadcrumb

you have to teach players as they go through or else they're just going to be like i'm just going to do the stuff that's on my character sheet yeah uh and yeah especially when you're like

has to play it yeah if you're really in love with the noise mechanic trademarked uh

then i think that you like have to be like okay i introduced it and now as the borrowed pitch me ways you want to get around it yeah you know like do you want to shove your flute into the dirt so that it like creates like the sound waves but not actually sound?

Yeah, do a deception check so it seems like an actual earthquake or something like that.

Totally.

I think like some DMs just need to take on the table responsibility in a way where you're like, if all my players are hitting a wall, that means I'm hitting the side.

Yes, I'm actually.

If one or two people are being jackasses, you might just be getting trolled.

Then it's just like, cool, yeah, you can keep throwing goblins at that card.

But if your players are talking about turning around before they've actually been in the city, exactly.

You're like, you're the only one with the ability to be like, now you find find the key.

Yeah.

And everyone fell asleep.

No, everyone's insight checks.

And I'll just tell you, you have to be quiet.

Isn't it possible that they got hit with a ceased assist from Hugh Hefner?

Yeah.

From Beyond the Grave.

Oh, yeah.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Hughes Estate.

His estate.

From Bear Hell.

Yeah.

He doesn't go to Bear Hell, dude.

He goes to Bear.

Only Bears go to Bear.

Would he get invited there?

I just, dude,

have to stop.

I mean, have to stop.

It's like a guest of honor.

Hugh Hef Bear would go to Bear Hell.

Thank you, Durance.

QF Bear is alive, though.

Okay.

Yeah.

He goes to Wild Chase.

QF Bear is 34.

We are against the

DM here, of course.

Yeah.

Yeah.

The DM.

What does DM need to do?

Well, it sounds like they already lost turtle tape.

Also, run a proper dungeon crawl of the Playboy Mansion.

Where you can make noise because

you're a young people as there.

Mr.

Turt Wyatt is playing live.

And Turtle from Entourage is there.

Oh, wow.

That actually got dubbed.

The way that I chose Franklin the Turtle over a Turtle from Entourage reference, it was bad.

I just thought I would leave some meat on the bone, but I went off the bone.

God bless you.

They're both deeply dated.

I reached out to you.

But

Turtle is new.

Turtle is new.

Yeah,

Turtle absolutely went to Playboy Mansion.

Yeah.

Or whatever the version of that was.

Yeah, yeah.

Both the character and the actor.

And the actor.

You have to believe it.

We sentenced you to play Turtle Gear Solid, where you're infiltrating the Playboy Manchin.

Turtle Gear Solid.

Okay.

So tortured.

And with that, shall we step into church?

Yeah.

So we can save ourselves from bear hello.

Wait, bear hell.

Well, we don't have to save ourselves.

Guys, we don't have to save ourselves from bear church from bear hell because we're not.

I prayed.

We can't go to bear church.

God damn it.

Let's go to bear church.

Let's go to bear.

Our bear church.

All right.

Who are in bear hell?

Sorry, I've won out.

All right.

Yeah, that's true.

Honey, be thy name.

If you really,

I guess a human could go to bear hell if they converted to bear religion.

Okay.

And I'm

going to,

I don't know.

Yeah.

All right, so let's do this in bear church.

TJ Maddie Lil Kritz writes, dear deacons of the dice domain, I beseech a blessing for blasphemy.

I have betrayed.

I've been.

We're all bears, right?

I've been running a game.

Murphy, you all right?

No.

I've been running a game for a few months for friends and some newbies.

Among these players is my favorite person, Carly, who has been in every game I've ever run and is my emotional rock.

Carly and Kyle, two solid players in the games.

Some of the players have had attendance difficulties and prefer combat to roleplay.

So I started a second side game with the sci-fi setting that is episodic and doesn't need full attendance.

Cool.

The problem is Dice Christ cursed Carly.

Their new level 8 puss and boots barred with Commoner stats.

She rolled only a 12 charisma and less than a 10 average in everything else.

I have begged her to re-roll.

But in true Oxford fashion, she has insisted that it's funny.

In true Murph fashion, I disagree.

I want my players to be cool.

Since then, she has commented on how hard it is to shoot and how few bardics she has.

Yeah, it does.

Oh, wow.

God bless.

God bless.

I mean, bear blessed.

Bear blessed.

Yeah, that's true.

This is a good lesson, though.

It's only funny to occasionally fail persuasion checks.

It's not funny to like look at your character sheet and be like, okay, I can't give anyone bardic inspiration.

I'll sit here.

Oh, shit.

I have a minus one to medicine check.

Yeah.

Okay.

The person dies.

But she continues to deny rolling new stats.

Wow.

My plan now is to give her a full sailor suit ensemble to give bonuses for max charisma.

So far, she loved the plus two hat of cuteness, which I see as implicit permission.

Yeah.

I do not care for the whims of dice deities, but implore the two crew's advice.

Is it okay to leave items with the knowledge that if she doesn't want the stats, she can just not use the items from an aggressively helpful DM?

I think you can definitely do that.

I mean, be aware that another player could come in and take them.

Oh, that's true.

I assume it is.

It's a sailor suit for a little cat.

So I do think it's cat size.

Yeah, I'm a size of a dollar bill.

Oh, yeah.

Make it all squeeze.

Can my barbarians squeeze into it?

It is.

I mean, like, it's a sailor suit, but it's a cat and a hat.

So, like, you're kind of mixing your stories a little bit.

And it's also puss in boots.

So, like, this is a hat on a hat and a hat.

So, like, that's my umbrage.

Hat on a cat.

Oh,

a hat on a hat on a cat.

Yeah.

That takes a good

cat on a hot hat roof.

Oh,

that was awesome.

Thank you.

I was wondering where you're going.

Yeah.

Yeah.

I like that.

You landed it.

I was too, actually.

No.

No way.

I think that Ursus Christ has blessed you, and you are on the right path.

Yeah.

I think it honestly sounds like you guys have a really fun table.

Yeah, it all sounds crazy.

You for sure are not going to bear hell because you are humans and also cats who don't go to bear hell.

Only bad bears go to bear hell.

Yeah.

Yeah.

So you have to worry about that.

The only warning I would give is that anything that you give to Carly that they don't take, someone else might take.

Just be wary.

And if Carly, if you're listening, that's really funny to just start giving them all away.

Don't say, don't tell me little big chris that we said.

A Goliath wearing a tiny cat-sized hat, that's fucking really funny.

That's really funny.

That is true.

A hat doesn't have a specific size.

Right, you wear a treadmill.

A chin strap can get any hats.

As someone with a huge forehead, I can tell you, you can't wear a hat.

No, no, no, I'm not going to be able to get it.

Just a chin strap a little bit.

You can get the tiniest hat on you.

No,

it'll hurt.

It'll hurt.

It'll hurt.

Hey, crazy.

If you had a big head, you'd know.

It gives you a headache when you wear a little hat.

I wear big hats.

Okay, so that's for, so that's for little.

If somebody steals Carly's hat, you can give them a migraine.

You got a headache.

Oh, yeah, that's happy damage.

And you're now rolling disadvantaged because of your migraine.

Because you're migraine from the little hat.

And it's daytime, so it's disadvantaged because you have a light sensitivity.

Because you fund up.

It's funded up.

You're all good.

It's really smart.

Great word.

Triple disadvantage.

So forgiven.

So forgiven.

Thank you, Allie Beardsley, for joining us.

Thank you.

This has been great.

We're going to be doing something fun over on the Patreon.

Allie's going to be joining us for surprise rounds.

We're going to be doing some classic surprise rounds to get Allie Beardsley's reaction to them.

And then we're also, i've got a few new ones whoa

that's a surprise to me as well

so head on over to patreon.com slash nadpod that's n-d-p-od don't sing anywhere so just don't listen to that

pandas go to bear hell what about pandas what of course pandas go to bear hello what about red pandas what about red pandas they're fucking bears they're not technically bears what are you not getting i don't know he just tried to he just tried to gotcha he sure did he just tried to gotcha he sure did

i've straightened it

I'm not taking the baby.

Should I say some hillberries?

No, because you're not a goddamn bear.

Goddamn it.

Anyway, Allie, do you have anything you'd like to plug?

No, we've got our D20 tours coming up.

Very excited about that.

I guess I'll say this and then cut it if we have to, but I will be at MagicCon in Chicago

in February.

Very excited about that.

Fucking happy.

And I want to go also.

I just have to see if my schedule will work out.

I will be going in the way that Beardsley's going.

Beardsley's going to do a show.

I keep trying to convince Emily to co-play a deck with me.

Which would be my dream.

That would be so sick.

Two Mothmans.

So be on the lookout for that.

You can follow us on social media that Remy or May Not Use at Siege vs.

Me at Calde's Call of Ball.

At EXTREST EMELE, at J Curricz Jake.

And Beardsley, what are your socials?

At Allie Beardsley.

And at Allie Beardsley is Allie Beardsley.

And you can talk about the show using hashtag nadpod.

That's NEDDPOD.

We are reynod.

The youth of the nation.

We are rear the youth of the nation.

We forgot about that, did you?

Wow.

Wow.

Got him.

It's the end of the show, and you you know what that means?

It's time to shout out our benevolent council of elders, starting with Brad D.

Jeffrey S, Lord of the Fjord, later Mixed Skater, Matt M, Cutter W, Jeff C, Daniel G, Danielle the Dastardly Dame, Carpe Liam, Victor T.

Balnor's Boy, Hued's friend, Justin I, Danny Danster, TJM, Trele the Cray Fay, Christopher B, Daniel R.

Jordan L., Cyborg Version of Josh the Cobald, Targot, Stevie Wags, Hellish Rebuker, PhD, Princess Yar, Jory Strach, Rachel from Animorphs,

Jack L., Nicholas C., Star of Every Film Ever Made in Bohumia, Mike H., Alka Smeltzer Plus, Great Value Jamaa, Tyler F., Heratrian, Carborough Chapel Hill, F.P.

V Rex Thaniel The White

Cece Lulu Old Cop Stunkle Older Burn Erkio Praro Sachabitz Folk Detective Timmy R.

Reiko Calder Comes Cold Shout out to the cold companions Frosty Facial Taylor B maybe the real treasure was the friends we made along the way Cass Strong Grinch Stephen A B C

Mike K.

Nick W.

William W.

Big Bad Bear of the Mad Eric McD Ananorama Percival Frederick Stein van Muser Glazowski DeRolo III

Jay Dragonborn Guardian of the Vibe Honoring the Cock Jocelyn M.

Ben A Dave H Dustin S Danny F Hawkeye Pierce Book Vars Assistant Izzy F.

Big Bad John.

DPC is Awesome.

Hashtag Honor the Cock.

Shown the Shady Mechanic of Zeldar.

Summer Rose Grantaire.

Mark the Dark Lord's Taint.

Cat C, Misa of House and Zunza.

Ariel the Occasional Mermaid.

Selena and Valaciraptor.

B.

Perky.

Oways.

Pat L.

Maxwell J.

Lauren H.

Serve 16 Annie the Fay Wild therapist Connor S Salil BioCourt 7 Amber Dextrous Bean Rat Was and I said

Trubop Dropper Jack H king of the mole people under iron deep dressed in blue and fighting his way through a bracket style tournament Valen Paj the bitch and bunny bard

Carlin C Noah the Bullywog Boy hashtag honor the cock James G.

Everything Bago, the Eladron who just wants to hang out with his pet badger Stripey, Reverend Chatterbones, Han, Eric B.

Marcos, learns the balance druid, Frida M.

Maggie,

Holly the Green, Laughing Hyena, Akash the Car, Cal knows you're listening, Ricarda,

Aaron Bagwell, Russell H., a monk named Dilgo, Cody C, Lorelei the Succubi, and Kira the succulent snack, McKenna Stout, your friendly neighborhood, Yantan, Yonkle Andrew, and Sid, John A didn't win the vote, but won your heart.

Meg, the male carrier of Bohumia, James F.

Austin S.

Wayfarer now has to do something with the trolls.

Get rid of them, turn to page 42, keep them, turn to page 69,

Shane, C, Barpo, Good Barrel, Barbarian, Welshlander, Garrett, G, one big curd, Renee, the monster captain, Olivia, the Enchanting Bard, and Jared, the soap opera cleric, who are playing stick it to the man down with the monarchy, Winter Slade, Fico, Garrett, the artificer, Damon, son of that one merchant named John, Anthony, the rattest of dudes, Jay, the fairies have amended all their ways and are volunteering at their local petting zoo.

Cantrip Dumbledore, the bare onesie-wearing barbarian.

Lexi loves the two crew.

Roger L.

Nodrog, the pass-a-fist barbarian.

Gino T, John Luca, Tristan, the talentless honk.

Leon K, legendary hero of Bahumia from a future campaign.

Shenanigans O'Connor, Mios the Great, Joshua S.

Alexander, Lins W.

Johnny, Dude K, Pavu Eskinar, the Goliath Paladin providing service with a smile, Tim M.

MLG Cheeto, Shelby Kenna's first favorite sprite girl, blown away by the MSG show, Staten Island Facts and Stone Cold Stars.

Y'all should be proud.

Thank you.

Thank you so much for coming.

Jackson R.

Snailess, who's infecting Worshister from within.

I'll never learn to say that word.

Captain Morgan, pirate, wizard, Mima, Sky Days, Megan N.

Anthony B, Savannah H., Balnor's best friend, Steve, Stephanie of House and Zunza, Benjamin A.

Gimli the Corgi, Papa and Foster's canine friend, Michael A.

Josh Hole, a pilot of the nightmare flight, Froky, the two crew blew through,

Jennery,

Ethan the Mailman, Maple the Shy Bookworm, Ashasaurus, Seth E., Billy Batson, Tori the tungsten dragoose, Michael Lylesprow the second, Carl B.

Plumber of the Realm, Dex Rittlewell, Hannah A.

Ra, Ace Dreggs, High Lord of Critzburg, Darius Davis, the guy from that one thing,

Troy's Mom, Vin Diagram, GKC T He T He Catamilius, the Consumed Bard of Holding, Clinton P.

Grinchful Cam, the Grinch Frog Man, Dean, Jake W.

Hi Mom, Tis Day Cross, the Choose Your Own Adventure Writer, not the porn star, Steve Law, Tyler M.

Alex G, Zibita Backery, Nicole, Katarina C, Lady Jacqueline P of Castle Whitestone, Greg W wants the D20 truck nuts Jake thought of.

Okay,

Baruch Thunderhelm, fifth generation Minotaur working as an abandoned labyrinth tour guide.

And finally, Trupac Aubrey.

Thank you all so much for supporting us.

We love you.

Goodbye, sweeties.

That was a headgun podcast.