The Mavrus Chronicles - Blaze Responsibly (Part 2)

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This is a head gun podcast.

Welcome to the campaign after the campaign. This is not another DD podcast.

Welcome back to

Blazing Babe, aka the Mavericks Chronicles, aka Hot Boy Summer. Blazing Babe, Blazing Babe, a.k.
the Mavericks Chronicles.

I'm your dungeon docent, Emily Oxford, joined by Brian Murphy.

A Cleric hipster who's beers rip sir.

You want to say your name too? Mac, son of Mumps.

Let him drown. Let him drown.

Let him drown. My guy's treading water.

And of course, we got Cowwell Danner. Ooh.

Yes, we're all so bad.

Everyone's sucking. Mine sucks so bad.
Mine was great. I still don't have one.

Apprentice to a dentist who is treads. Parentis.
Let's get into this. It's Hungry Dave.
Beautiful. Following that up, we got Jake Hurwitz.
I don't know why I did a dry July.

Tread Never.

And of course, Mavericks the Unschooled. Oh, he's definitely been to Blazing Babe.
And now he's here to rave.

Yes! Yes! He did it!

He landed! Yes! Absolutely shit!

Flawless slant rhyme!

Last session, the Boys of Summer prepared for their trip to Blazing Babe, an annual festival in which a circle of druids commence at Fallow or Cursed Earth, host an an all-night bonfire, and rectify the land via the magic of good vibes.

Right. After abandoning a four-dash delivery to beat up Hungry Dave and make it look like you'd been mugged by a podiatrist.

By a podiatrist, the four of you debated the logistics of cranking it during your vacation and made the bare minimum of preparations.

Tred declared himself to be practicing a dry July and stole laughing gas from his dad's office. Mavres donned a Batman from the Snyder Cut costume.

Mac brewed a coffee stout he hoped would pass for natural uppers. And Hungry Dave professed a new love of wine and dentistry.
Dave's leveling up.

You also had the chilling realization that not only had you forgotten to invite Carl, Carl had actually left the group text.

It's got to be a glitch. Is it

someone's phone? Everyone check your phone. Did he get a freaking drunk? I bet he like fell into a pool.
Yeah.

we either grew apart or he fell into a pool. He got pushed into a pool.
That's what I had.

Did I push him into a pool? That would be hilarious. Maybe that's why he's not talking to us.

The next morning, you rendezvoused with Luella, a crick elf with a janky but heavily armed Winnebago, and made your way through the dangerous dunes of the Aberrant Waste to Blazing Babe.

Tred and his single-strapped backpacked amp got behind the wheel. Hungry Dave and Maveris manned the guns.

And Mac climbed atop the arcane vehicle and made a cow catcher out of the spirits of Budweiser frogs.

After an encounter with a desert worm and some vultures, as well as the Winnebago's leaky septic tank, you pulled into the campground for Blazing Babe.

Upon arriving to the desert festival, you were greeted by all the expected sights: glow sticks, fire jugglers, kinetic sculptures, but the idyllic visage was marred by two unexpected intrusions.

One, a team of brand ambassador dryads wearing keg backpacks of Tris's hard seltzer, and the party plane's best and only dentist, Dr. Ted Nevers, and his camp of aging hippie, better late than Nevers

magic users. And that's where we are now.
The four of you stand in front of a scorched, worm-bitten RV.

You are caked in sweat, sand, septic fluid. Right, right.
Okay, so there's no like Walgreens maveris. There's no Dwayne Reed.
Right.

No right-aid. I can switch my breath to be like an Aqua Beam.
Okay. And I can just blast everybody off.

Can you do that to the shit that I'm covered in? Yeah, man. Yeah, just give Trent a shout.
Dave, you want to blast off your friends? I want to blast my friends. It's a dry July day.
Yeah.

We just can't. Blast it from the waist up.
This is the first impression that a lot of people are going to have as we walk in. We can't be getting bleak in.

As you guys are standing here in front of this broken RV,

looking and presumably smelling like septic fluid, you've caught the eye of a lot of people. Not my dad, right?

No, your dad is sort of at, because like, as you guys are here, like, basically this entire campground is built around this huge plant growth effigy of Malora.

And your dad is right there adding kindling to this effigy that is so embarrassing. All right, everybody lined up and get spumed.
Okay.

Can we, before we do that, just do like a laugh and find out if there are like a shower? Is there a shower here?

Also, we should, I mean, we've been locked out of the Winnebago, so should we try to like tent up with Mr. Nevers or Dr.
Never? Sorry.

Yeah, well, I would not want, I don't want to hang out with my dad, and I don't really understand why everybody here does want to hang out with my dad. Checks in with him at least.
I want to be

out of the elements for a little bit. Well, we need to get, if we get drugs, Luel Luel will let us back in.

I feel like I could offer showers to people, mouth showers. I could just blast people and do mouth showers for

you. Got to get off the mouth shower.

Real quick, I just need to establish good vibes and everything while we're here.

So I walk up to the Trisses who are handing out the seltzer. Hi, I'm sorry.
What is this corporate bullshit? Did Blazing Babe sell out? Fucking get it.

We're trying to improve the vibe here. And we are, because we don't want it to become super corporate, okay?

your vibe is ransom no i've got this no exactly but i'm pretty thirsty uh right yeah and i've got beer here i hand out some blessed brew peanut butter stout of course mac you've you've walked up to these two trisses right they were actually walking to meet you guys you had caught their eye when you showed up so two trisses in crop tops little camel backs that say triss's heart seltzer on them one of them is kind of like a dryad like you would have expect to have seen before.

She's got like the textured barky skin. She's got like maple leaf hair that's like autumnal colors and like pinned up in a little stick bug.

The other one is charred with like leafless twigs

and sort of like a dryad that's been through a wildfire.

So the two of them come up to you and they say, Did you all want a free sample? No, we don't.

Boys, boys, let me let me let me handle this right now. But the vibes.
This is the vibes. And we're trying to keep the vibes up, which is why...
I turned to the dryads.

We shouldn't let Blazing Babe get corporatized. Okay, keep Blazing Babe weird.

Mech, as you say all this, you see that the one who's like more charred and burnt out leans over, whispers something to one of them, and she goes, oh, good idea, Dress.

I think they just sidebarred.

That's our thing. That's not possible.
Okay, full

transparency. We saw you guys and we were kind of thinking, like,

are you guys first-time blazers? Because if you are, we would love to show you around.

Actually, Maveris has been here before.

He's been here a couple times. Tell them.

Mav, why don't you tell them what you usually do here? Because it seems like they come a lot. So you guys could like.
Yeah, this is like our fifth year. Yeah.

But I mean, basically, we just wanted to kind of like approach you guys because, like, sounds like you're a veteran. Yeah.
Yeah. He's our guiding light 500.

Yeah, but I wanted to make sure that the rest of you felt acquainted with the situation and just give you some kind of warnings.

Because it is the desert, and the desert gives you nothing other than what you bring to it and what others give to you as a mercy. We brought one and a half birds.

One and a half birds?

Yeah, we got like one frozen vulture and then like one vulture load. Oh, I saw the vulture feather in your hat and I did think, is that fresh blood? We're locked out of our Winnebago at the moment.

Oh, I don't know if you can smell, but we're covered in shit.

Are you doing anything to try to hide the scent? No, I'm really trying to get a shower. Yeah, Dave wanted to try something, but I'm really sketchy about it.

Maveris is doing a gust cantrip to just kind of blow it away from him suddenly.

Oh, crazy. We like hadn't, I hadn't smelled that.
That's awesome. No, yeah.
I'm like, I'm kind of embarrassed, but I also feel like I need to be up front because I do want to take a shower.

Yeah, I have to just, you know, okay, but if you want to give us like a corporate tour or whatever, yeah, pay anything.

Actually, I mean, this hard seltzer is probably one of the only things that's free here because everything else is kind of, you know, like maybe you've heard it's kind of like an exchange thing, right?

Yeah, and that's why we all brought gifts, like brought such good vibes. AMP, that's the gift of song and vibes.
Yeah, and I've got like a lot of rusted Pinot Grouge, if that's your deal.

I've got beers, but it's just kind of for me and my boys.

Did you just actively not offer me something? Did you go out of your way to dangle something and tell me I got

fire beer? Do you want a beer?

She does the message catch up just to Tread, and she's like, what's with your boy?

Oh,

he doesn't like seltzer.

Okay.

Whatever.

I mean, if you bought the gift of song, like, I would love to hear some music. Yeah, totally.
I just need to plug this thing in somewhere

do you have a generator yeah or like a big bug that could shock us to death i'm actually like from the fae wild so i mean like i can kind of just like make some fae energy that you could sort of plug into

uh yeah yeah i'll plug into this lady

but it's

this is like in exchange for a shower

oh no i don't have i mean i could shower you with seltzer it It is public. It's effervescent.
That could absolutely work. Anything is better than seltzer.
Yeah, it's better than the shit. Yeah.

All right. Cool.
Yeah, let's do it. Okay.
She basically like warms up her hands and like gifts some magic arcane energy into your broken amp. Okay.

And looks at you waiting for a song.

You got it.

Come on, Trillium. Come on.
Target, you just, you said that you brought all these. Yeah, I did.
I know.

This one is called, your name was what? Trish. Trish.
And that's true. Okay, Trish and Tess.
Trish and Tess.

You got this, dude. I really dug us a hole and I need you to get us out of it.
I'm going to start playing my chest like bongos for you, bro. You don't need to.

I lean over to Trinigo. Hey, name this song Trish.

Use that somehow. I don't know if you're thinking.
What? You're going to have to use Trish and Tess.

Okay. Right.
I don't know if you were thinking of that. Okay, now I got it.
This is my guy, Hungry Dave, and he's a little bit.

But I have a new friend, and her name is Tiri Tish.

What'd you say?

You are a sweet Western.

Freddy I did. Dude, Tiri Tish?

I was like so wrapped up. Can you just do one of your songs?

I'm gonna need you to give me a performance check. And I'm really trying to wrap my head around why I shouldn't make you do it with Disadvantage.
Yeah, totally. So my bongo.

Do it flat, but then roll a D4 and subtract to to that for nice.

All right, that's fine. Can I say

you got bane? You got baned by yourself.

I didn't even get to fucking drop Tess's name. It's because Mavericks is doing such a lot of bane impression right now.
I would bore in the dark.

Fuck, I rolled a four. It's an 18.
Oh, it's 18. 18 is still good.
They kind of dance along like they're feeling it. When you get to Trisha's messed up name,

she just looks excited. Oh my God.
How did you put my name in there so quickly? We just met. Yeah, it's just like my pink.
He gave you a pretty sweet nickname.

He didn't really.

I mean, sort of, right?

Well,

we're definitely going to give you guys self-ster showers if you want it.

And

I have some like kind of, I don't know, like some kind of cool swag or whatever. Like, I feel like an amp looks really good with like a sticker on it.
Do you want

to? Do you want like a seltzer stickers?

Yeah, you see, she takes out a little sticker with like a dryad that looks like a pin-up girl.

I'll take one for my guitar and one for my amp. Can I sidebar with you guys real quick? Absolutely.
You can sidebar with me as soon as I get my TCP. Okay, well, here's the thing.

I'm going to want to take a couple. We can't do the Seltzer stickers.
We can't.

I'm going to misjudge them. Yeah, what?

What kind of stickers do you have, dude?

I don't. Do you have any stickers? I don't have any stickers, dude.
Your job was for a fucking brewery. You should have stickers, man.
Dude. The vibes are off.
They're on. They're on.

These girls are ruining our.

I think I have a song.

Wait, let me fire up.

Okay.

What do you use to hold up pants? Will you use a belt? Sure.

Now, will you please shower me with seltzer?

They give you like literally an unending supply of stickers and shower you with seltzer. Don't get the sticky part of the sticker with it.
It's fine to be showered in seltzer.

We just shouldn't drink it.

I mean,

I'll take the shower and if some gets in my mouth, some gets in my mouth.

Okay, they shower Maveris down into his open mouth. They shower Tread down.
They give him stickers. They shower Davanaxius down.

Would you...

Yeah, I just don't want to drink it.

I'll take this shower.

If you just want water, there's like a guy walking around with like a perpetually refilling mouth. I'll go to the water.

Go take a regular shower. I'm gone for 45 minutes.

Dude, what did you do in that shower? Are you still participating in dry July? It's just because we are like, it's July 31st. It's what? It's July 31st.
At midnight, we can jack it. Oh, my God.

He's right. Look at the sundial.
The vibes are back on.

So,

as you guys talk about vibes, you actually see that they look on approvingly.

Oh, my God. It's like so nice to know that you're being cognizant of the vibes.
I'm so glad you brought that up.

Be really cautious because like this is a party, but it also is sort of like an unstable magic ritual in which the consequences of your actions will echo beyond what's true cameras stands next to them and nods

yeah shred

what i think i just

i made up a song with her name in it so anyway i guess we just wanted to say welcome totally have a good time we'll see you around and and whatnot cool do you know where we could find like a natural upper?

Yeah, I'm trying to think. Like, we all know.
We love

so many of the drugs. Like, a coffee beer would do it.

A beer as a drug? Coffee as a drug. Well, alcohol is a drug.

So,

you're okay. That's wrong.

Hey, Matt, can I side by?

What's up? What's up? Hey, like,

I think your tread's being crazy. No, no, no.

Back. Yeah.
Back.

no dude, no, dude.

We're gonna have to, we're not, I think you're not the opener guy, I think you're the guy that comes in with the beer, right?

Eventually, yeah, yeah, you're like the you know, you're the sensitive soul, right? Yeah, that like it's just hard when everyone's like going in so hard on the seltzers, sure.

And I feel like this was like us like all going on a trip together, and I feel like we're not spending enough time together.

And also, I'm still really mad that you guys let me fall off the bike and just left me.

So, we're just going to need to grapple with that at some point. And I walk away from it.

Okay. So as Mac walks away,

this girl, Trish, is like, okay, so like in terms of like natural uppers, drugs, I mean, there's a lot of options, right?

There's a lot of druids who are attending this festival as it does attract a druidic crowd.

I have heard that there is a necromancer from Shadowfell wandering around, and you know, they're going to have some fucked up shit.

I would imagine everyone is trying to talk to them, though, to try and get a ticket to the Shadowween murder mystery party.

Dude, I'm so good at themed parties.

You guys, you guys know the Shadowfell murder mystery party as part of like this annual celebration that happens in Shadowfell.

But she continues. So, anyways, yeah, I guess like there's probably a necromancer from Shadowfell walking around with some fucked up shit.

There is like a little pop-up grotto of like people from the Fay Wild. They probably have some stuff.

I think there might be like a pop-up cactus garden.

The only people I would say don't approach is there's kind of like this crew of like older people who

are like tread carefully. Yeah, that's ages.

I guess they're like new magic users or something. So they're being very vocal about like it's harder to cast magic at our age and we need to keep it like a pure consciousness.
Right.

That sounds respectful. That's That's it's like that, like crew over there.
You point at the better late than never's t-shirt crew. Yeah,

that's actually Tred's dad.

Are we ashamed of our families now?

Is that what happened this trip? Can I sidebar with everybody here,

including you, Tess?

That is my uncle.

Okay, you have to do deception.

Deception, okay.

That's pretty good. 25.
Wow. I don't even think she can beat that with an insight.
Yeah, she can. Okay.
Trent is charismatic.

Mac glares at you. She looks at Mac and she's like, honest mistake, I guess.
I don't know why you're trying to hurt me. You think that alcohol isn't a drug?

So,

I don't know. Mac, I'm going to chug the beer.
Is that going to make you feel better? Yeah. All right.
Dave chugs six.

Yeah, if you can't get high off beer, then what am I high on? Yeah, what is he doing? I just had six peanut butter coffee staffs, and I'm feeling something. He's sick.

Okay, so Trish perks up like she just remembered something important.

So I guess, like, final word of warning would be, you know, for the three of you who haven't been before,

it's really important.

She leans on Mavrus like they're chummy.

It is imperative that the babe, and she points to this huge effigy of Malora,

Our Lady of Perpetual Indifference, is not ignited before dawn. Okay.
Right. So like if you're going to, you know, smoke or toke or breathe fire.
Be careful not to ignite. Blaze responsibly.

Blaze responsibly. I love that.
Okay, because I'm getting it. Maveris is trying to build up Mac.
Dude, that was awesome. Really? That was, I guess it's true that it's like like

it was cool when you said that positive thing.

Interesting. Maybe I'm like the funny guy.
You guys want me to approach somebody? Let's all approach them together. Yeah.

Why don't you do like test runs on us?

All right. So I was going to, so I figure like this interaction's over, right?

So we are absolutely standing right here.

Oh. She takes one sticker away, and then the two of us are like, oh,

that. I was going to sell that.
That was so harsh. The vibes were not right there, right?

Okay. No, they were a little weird.

Hey, boys. Hey, boys.
Real fast. Yeah.
Yeah.

So I know we're all heated from the road.

We're coming on super aggro, right?

Is that fair to say?

I think I agree with Maveris. All of us

were too much.

Can I be real? With you guys? Yeah. Absolutely.
Like,

Mac, I think you're holding on to something from, like, earlier. I'm actually not holding on to anything because I fell off a freaking bike, dude.

The problem is, is I'm not holding on.

And you guys kept going. Mac.
Yeah.

No, no, no. It's just like when they came over, it was like, oh yeah, I want a silter.
I want a sticker.

But I'm like, guys, slow down. I fell off the bike.
Would it feel better if we apologized to you? Yeah. Do you want all of us to just be alone and fall down? We just went down

a hill. Okay.
Okay.

Everyone give me a stealth check or you will attract the attention of Dr. Nevers.

Oh no.

It's a 24 for Trek. I got a 14.

That is a nat 20. I know.

A 10.

Davinaxius is so drunk.

Yeah. We have to take him to like a different area.
It is a party. It's very chaotic.

You would have had to roll pretty poorly, but especially with Davanaxius' nat 20, that buys you some privacy in the chaos and the the cacophony. I think I tried to wave to Dr.

Navers, but fall down a hill.

Now we're at the bottom of the hill. All right, guys, I'm sorry.
It was my vibes were a little bit off as much as everybody else's. And

so I

just need to get in to that murder mystery and just kind of set things right.

Oh, to be clear, what she was talking about with the murder mystery is just an annual event that happens in Shadowfell, not here. What?

Max starts crying.

Hey, dude, you wouldn't have gotten that if you weren't glaring at me while they were talking.

Dude, hey, we can have a murder mystery for your birthday, okay? All right, guy. I'm just going to sit here in the sand all night.

No, you know what? I'll be your freaking bike. Right on me.

What? We've moved past the bike.

You clearly haven't, dude. We were talking.
I'm going to go scope out. Yeah, let's go.

Was there anything else that people were in?

There's a fae grotto, which sounded kind of sick.

Yeah, do you guys want to give perception checks and let me know what you're looking for?

That's a gnat one for Trev.

That's a

shout out to the two crew.

I got a 10. Dave is riding a seven beer high and is feeling great.
That's a dirty 20. Oh, you're in one of those drunk states where you get good at things before you get bad at them.

For most people, it's one and a half beers. For Dave, it's seven peanut butter scouts.

Okay, so the sun is setting. Golden hour.

You guys are looking around. You see, you behold this scene.
All the shadows are kind of like elongating as the sun sets. There's alchemical glow sticks and swarming nanoflies.

They all kind of like pulse as this party is coming to life. Tread, you see nothing.
When you look at the party, all you see is your fucking dad. Yeah.
In his stupid skirt. So yeah,

there's my dad, and over there is my dad, and that one's my fucking dad. Oh, and right by the bed, that's my fucking dad.
Your dad's really literally

in the music. You see?

Your uncle, dude. Even with your, with your, and that one, actually, you see that he is with like a woman in silver robes.
And that's like not my mom. So I don't know.
Okay. That doesn't seem like Dr.

Never would do that. That doesn't seem like something Dr.
Nevers would do. No.
Well, then why is he dancing near her?

It actually seems like something Dr. Nevers is doing.
That's clearly, that's got to be one of the dental technicians from his office. I would recognize

that. That would mean he brought somebody.
This place is like pretty much about the vibes, and maybe they're just connecting on some other plane of people.

Oh, I wonder if my mom would like these vibes. Yeah, maybe, maybe he's just emotionally cheated.

Mac, with your 10, you are trying to look out over the crowd, but you just keep seeing these little dryad stickers.

This is litter.

Staring at you. And Mac, as you look at them, it almost feels like as you move, their eyes move with you.
Okay, I'm going to start picking them off things that I see.

I feel like then you're spending it. Then it's actually litter.

How is it litter? I'm going to keep them in my bag. Hey, Mac, what if we had fun?

Oh, wow, that's an interesting idea.

What if we just fucking had fun? You know the way I don't have fun is by putting fucking stickers all over nature.

Hey, why don't we go slap a tree, guys? I just feel like this is like

messing with other a lot of people. Why don't we see that? Some dryads at the fake rodo hear you say, oh, slap a tree and look over.

No, that's not.

I didn't.

Tred was just saying. Mac, why don't you fucking pitch something? And Hungry Dave, you are in the, you're in the zone.
The party is an organism and you are breathing with it.

You are tapped into the sap of joy. And

you look around. You see a lot of things.
You see this fake grotto that was mentioned, and they're all kind of like looking at Mac right now. Maybe not the time to approach them.

Um, you also just see kind of like these fun, interactive experiences. There's like some dwarfers that set up a little cuddle cave.
Um, there's, uh,

there's like some wildfire druids who are like doing hot yoga with steam methods.

Um, there's these uh silvery moon elves who are kind of like uh waxing these sandboards, but they look like they're from the frigid north. They're like all shades of the moon.

You see a guy who's in a tie-dyed Gladeholm University t-shirt and like jorts that have like all these patches sewn into them. And behind him, you see this like huge, transparent, luminescent,

it's a huge hand, but like on the middle finger, there's like a little sign that says Big B's hug

instead of Big B's hand.

I've never seen a pair of jorts so covered in patches. He actually clocks all of you guys and he keeps looking over at you guys like you've boggled his brain.

Are they trying to step to us? I guess they like mimic the hand gesture that he's holding up. Oh, like the big bee's hand.

The big bee's hand is basically the pinky and the thumb are there to give hugs.

But as soon as you gesture, he comes over. All right.

Dudes, I'm so sorry. This is like so crazy, but I feel like I'm experiencing like a cosmic coincidence or something.
Yeah.

I like just met someone for the first time from the party plane, like two days ago, and I could swear you all are from the party plane. That is freaking guilty.

Right.

That is crazy. Party plane, best plane.

PP.

Who did you meet from there, by the way?

Oh, what was his name? So it's basically like, I go to Glade Home, right? And And I'm about to be like a second year, but I'm like not like the typical Glade Home guy.

Like, I don't know if you can tell. You do see that he has like a spell book, but it looks a little bit more cobbled together.
It's a spell zine.

Um, oh, that's really cool. See, this is underground,

yeah. I'm kind of like part of like the experimental

when we first saw you. I thought we were gonna have to kick your ass.
Just like we thought you were stepping, we thought you were like, we thought you wanted to go. Oh, you're awesome.

Yeah, no, I'm like totally here to wrap up. Patches are the thinking man's sticker.

I've always said that.

Can I tell you? That is amazing. Would you mind if I transcribe that into my spell scene via cut out pieces of magazine? Just giving the proper credit.

But yeah, it's crazy. I can't remember the guy's name.
It was something with a K, I want to say.

Correl? Was it Coral? Was it

Carl? Was it Corl? Yeah, it was someone named Carl. Yeah.
He was like at orientation because he's coming to Glade Hum University in the fall.

Wait, what?

Everyone, give me an insight check.

Did you guys listen when like Carl is talking about his dreams? I thought that was a good idea. But we like agreed not to listen to each other's dreams.
I got a 25 during NFL. 25?

Okay, Mac, of course you would know this. 13.
You guys all had a pact. that you were all going to go to the Party Plains Community College of Divine, Arcane, and Innate Arts.
PPCC.

But it seems like Carl's had a change of heart. What the fuck? Yeah, dude.
More like a change of fart because that decision stinks.

Dude, I'm not going to do that. Make that a fucking song.
Write that down. Write that down.

DGG stand-up. Tread never's T-R-R-E-A-D.

You're not writing anything down. I know I don't get any service out of here, but I'm going to write a wall of text.

Yeah. Yeah.

Wall of the team. And then when you're done, pass it to fucking me because I'm going to write another wall.
I mean, when you're fucking done, pass it to me. And I'm gonna let him fucking have it.

Yeah. And then Trent's gonna add another wall, and that's gonna be a fucking act.
Just like fucking space bars, space, space, space, space, space.

So he knows I'm giving the silent treatment, but I'm like there and just not saying anything. Actively not talking.
Yeah,

actively not. This guy from Glade Home is just watching you amazed.
He's like, this is so crazy. Like, I wonder if I should kill this.
It is crazy. Yeah, that's awesome.

Yeah, you kind of ruined our night.

You've like that was our act.

I'm just really back.

Then I know this is, I can absolutely save the social encounter though, because he gestures to the big B's hand behind him.

This is actually a little spell I'm working on, and I kind of tweaked it for the spirit of this event.

So, would you like a hug?

All right.

Okay, I'll let you roll for him. So, this spell is pretty unstable.

He has a plus five to Arcana, and he needs to make a DC

dubious. So I have to roll through.

Okay, so I'd have to get nine or higher? Yeah. Okay.

17. Okay.
You get this huge hand that is usually made for destruction envelops you and you feel comforted. Wow.
You feel held.

Huh?

I mean, I was holding you before, but like, I guess this is fine too. Let's not try to hold grudges.
Being being held. What if while Mac is being held, we all whisper sweet nothings to to him?

We shouldn't have left you at the side of the road. Yeah.

I agree.

Mac.

Okay.

Mac, the beer tastes really good. Like, my stomach feels like it's been stapled a bunch now.

But I think that's, like, my own thing. That's not the beer.

But, like, it's, you're really talented.

Thanks, Dave Mavericks.

It's okay. It didn't have to be the collection of

Mac. Yeah.

I'll say this.

You are one of the more passionate friends that I have. And you care.
It is important. You care.
Yeah. And it's,

and what you care about sometimes is interesting to me. Dave Maverick.
Huh? That's perfect. Okay.

Mac fully just takes this as a compliment. And you know, I gotta respect it.

I gotta respect it. Thanks, man.
Hey, guys,

the vibes are on. Vibes are absolutely on.
Woo! Dave throws a bunch of sand in the air.

Do you happen to know, so our friend's uncle is over there, and we're kind of worried that he's like cheating on his aunt. I care deeply about my uncle and aunt's relationship.

There's no greater bond.

Nothing would devastate him more than his relationship. Nothing would devastate a nephew more than his uncle and his aunt having marital problems.

If my mom's brother were cheating on his spouse, that would be devastating. Yeah, do you know what's going on over there? What's going on over there? Like a silver robe.

I think she's wearing the robes of like a cleric of

Sehani Moonbow.

She's just like kind of like a moon goddess. That's pretty cool.

Yeah, so I'm guessing she's some kind of like light cleric or something, but she seems to be just hanging out with this crew of kind of adorably pathetic middle-aged people. Right, right.

Careful at my uncle.

But they're trying really hard. They're like expanding their minds.

One of them got their hands on like a Leon's tiny hut scroll.

Oh, guys, we need a place to stay.

From what I could tell, I think they were using it as like a place to ferment a bunch of vegetables

to like give us gifts. That's meant to be vegetables.
So I'm like, kimchi? What are you talking about?

It's like real food, guys. It's not like fucking kids.
I'm saying it was like a layman's tiny hut that just like reeks of fermented vegetables.

I mean, a stink hut.

You said that's better than seltzer? And you don't have any fucking cultures. Do you know if they can, if it's possible to move all the stuff out of it?

Like, just from your just blink on the situation, like, is it movable? Like, is there a cart or something? I didn't walk in. I didn't walk in.
I just heard them kind of talking.

I smelled all the vegetables. They tried to give me a jar of fermented broccoli.

I didn't mind it because it smelled nasty.

And then, yeah. Do you have drugs? Yeah.
Oh, yeah. We're looking to score some, Dave, thanks for a beat.
Yeah. Maragina.

Natural uppers.

Maragina. Did I say that right?

Like cocaine?

Dave looks to me.

Yes. Yes.
We're looking for coke.

We're looking for maragina coke.

I know, honestly, the alchemists are going to be who you want to see for for the code.

I believe a little bit of this thing is called telepathic tipple, and it's kind of just like it lets you read people's minds. Whoa, that sounds toxic for us.
Yeah.

This would ruin our lives.

As you can see, we clearly already know each other's thoughts. It's a really delicate ecosystem that we have going over here.

Because for a lot of people, being able to read each other's minds is like an amazing way to connect, right? Like, if you meet someone, if you're at a party,

we anticipate each other's thoughts right we're like in each other's minds like what greater intimacy is but just to be just to clarify do i have to opt in for that like if someone drinks it and i'm there and i did not drink any can they read my mind by drinking it you opt in you like

you go into cool yeah it's i think it's still kind of a bad idea not for us so if you just want to i think we'll just go to the vegetable tent Yeah, we're going to go to the stink hut.

Let's like, yeah, we'll go there, but like, we might not want to run into everybody that's in that camp. So let's.
Right. Yeah.
We don't want to shock your uncle. Right.
Or see him.

You are super concerned about your uncle's marriage, but you also don't want to see him.

Yeah.

Tred, can I ask you a question?

Sorry, can we sidebar for a second? We're going to basically

push you away for a few minutes. I think we're kind of doing it.
I have a lot more hugs to give out. I was trying to make a graceful exit myself.
Mac.

That was so direct.

We're delivering. As he walks away, though, the big B's hand does give you a whoa.

Can you believe that, dude?

Mac, Mac. We fully earned that.
Hey, I just wanted to do like a quick check-in with you, Trey.

Yeah.

I'm wondering if checking in with your uncle, you can call him my dad.

I don't know. I'm trying to be nice here, okay? Yeah, thank you.
I'm just trying to be nice.

Oh, my God.

Look, all right. Thank you.
Sorry. Is that like good for you right now? Or do you want to check out something that's a little more like obviously chill? That's not so loaded.

Like Matt got a hug.

I could do, I could get, I just want to get like a little twisted, a little turrent maybe, just like, but not too turnt because I don't want to like run into my dad when I'm like faded or anything.

Right. So, um, no, I don't know.
I just don't know what to do. I don't know if I want to go to like the grotto or okay.
There's that cuddle cave, which looked like pretty intense, honestly. Yeah.

Yeah. When you look into the the cuddle cave, it's like a writhing map.
Okay,

we can't see that. A ton of arms.

I mean, I could go check out those alchemists if we're still looking to squirt Coke.

I don't know. Let's just say we're not trying to get Coke.

Dave, do you know what that is?

All right.

Dave, thanks for a second.

It's like a muffin, right?

We could go to the grotto, but we could just go try to like see what's up with the hut.

Okay. Yeah, maybe because maybe we can like spy on your uncle dad.
Yeah, no, it's my dad.

Okay, I'm sorry. I'm getting used to it.

Well, don't. Yeah, I'm trying to not set you off, dude.

Me.

I can't believe your uncle's cheating on your mom.

All right, let's just drop it. Okay, let's just.
Okay.

Let's go see. Let's go check out the vegetable tent.
Yeah. We'll go from there.
All right,

so you guys

pivot you go towards this like sort of center of the camp. I'm gonna

get out my guitar unplugged and I am gonna sing Does anyone notice does anyone care? At least they'll know this that I'm not there

and I'll cast invisibility on myself

Okay, that's great. So we'll act like Tread's not here.
Oh great. We're just we'll just like like we just ran into Mr.
Dr. Never's.
Yeah, yeah.

We'll tell him that we don't fucking like Tread at all.

Oh, we'll try to get him to talk shit about Tread because he doesn't like his son. Why would that be the fucking goal? Dude, I thought you wanted to know.
I want to know if he's cheating on my mom.

Not if he hates me.

That makes sense.

Okay, cool. Like, if he's cheating on my mom, we'll get it.
I'm just saying, don't find out. Don't find out the reason.

I don't want to know why. You don't want to know why.
We just if. Yeah, just

we can get that. Yeah.

Okay. All right.
You guys walk up to the base of this Malora effigy.

You see Dr. Never.
Dr. Nevers?

Do my eyes deceive me? Am I in a dentist's office?

Oh my gosh. Did we eat too much candy again?

Don't be weird.

This is how I normally fucking activate it.

Is that Devonaxius Gilderfank? Yes, sir.

Maveris Bombra. In the flesh, baby.
Cormick, what's your last name? What's his last name? I always forget. Oh, shit.
Darkstout, yeah. You guys don't know either.
Okay, I don't feel bad. Oh, fuck up.

What are all three of you doing here?

That first looks up and is like, I'm going to be paying for this for a while. Fuck.

We were just

kind of hanging out.

We're all kind of in committed relationships, so we're thinking about stepping out tonight.

What about you?

Yeah, win at the babe, right? Yeah, what's your situation in relation to that question?

Oh, was helpful. Can I help it?

Yeah, of course you can. That was so clumsy, bro.
Dude, you invisible.

Talk.

Okay,

15.

He got a four.

Yes. He becomes a five.
Oh.

Kids, come on now. I got to tell you something.
Being in a committed relationship with Trent's mother has been one of the most fortunate things I've ever done in my whole life. That's sick.
I love it.

I love to hear it. Committing to someone, living a life with someone, sharing a life with someone is just a beautiful thing.
I mean, that's sick.

Dave was

saying that he was going to do that.

I have a question.

I just fixed your retainer.

Sorry, I had to break up with my girlfriend because she hated the retainer is the thing. And now I'm ready to just fucking plow through

anyone and everyone.

the way,

that's not even cheating.

I can't abide this kind of language about

nice young women. I have, Mr.
Never, I just wanted to add, or Dr. Never, sorry.

It's fine. I'm a dentist.
I'm used to it. Oh, yeah.
Well,

I have the utmost respect for dentistry.

Absolutely. I have two questions for you.

Just so we know, because we're young guys in relationships who may or may not be cheating. Is it cheating if you just dance with someone If you're just emotionally

dancing. Stepping out.

Yeah, because I told my girlfriend.

Tell us why. I told her we're like on a break, is what I said.
So, like, I'm wondering. So, Dave, like, okay, you know what, kids?

You're asking big questions right now, and you're catching me flat-footed.

I'll be honest, you know, 40 years of marriage to Trent's mother. Oh, God.
Oh, fuck. Oh, fuck.

There's been relationships that I felt curiosity about.

And thank God I never did anything.

But how could you not? 40 years of marriage. Sure.
That's a long time. 40 years.
Okay. Don't drill down on that guy.
Yeah.

I guess I don't want to.

But I imagine that your love for your son probably keeps you together on the straight and arrow.

You know what Davinaxius really does? I'm so proud of that boy. Part two of my question was going to be like, does Tread ever piss you off?

but he just said he was fucking friendly you know you know I think Tred's become quite an emotional young boy and I'm really trying to be there for him you know my bigger fear is that I piss him off wow wow yeah yeah but I mean sometimes and he points to the station wagon that he's like taken the back seats out of to turn into like a little camper for one

All those things on the station wagon, I am kind of like, can't you learn driving a little quicker?

I'll say this. He's gotten kind of good at driving.
That's great. Yeah.
Just to give him problems. I'm glad you heard that.
I'm glad to hear that. He dropped us off here and he left.

He was here and then he left? Yeah, he said a big gig to go to. He was going to a big gig.

He freaked out and said he

freaked out. I kicked Mavericks in the shit.

Ow, for no reason.

Shit. You know, I got to tell you guys, I've been really busy.
I've been really distracted getting into some new hobbies. Now I'm feeling like I haven't been talking to him enough.

I'm going to have have to talk to him when I get back. Yeah.

So, like, what are you? What are you up to here? Yeah. I can smell your hut.
I came here with the bitter late than never's. He gestures to his t-shirt, very proud of it.

Clearly, he ironed on all these like little things himself. It's really psyched that you like have hobbies outside of work.
Yeah. Yeah.
Ironing stuff onto shirts is the thinking man's passion.

It feels like that works better in a different context. Yeah.

No, yeah. No,

me and the crew, we wanted to take our magic on the road. We wanted to get it out there.
We wanted

some field experience, you know? So here we are. And it's my first time engaging in something like this.
I mean, a lowly dentist from the party plane coming to one of the biggest magical

best dentists. You are the best.
And only. And only.
Yeah. Anyway, so yeah, but I didn't know you guys were going to be here.
Yeah.

Who's your crew?

Yeah, would we know who the better late than never?

Not really. They're just kind of like, he points to the hut and he's like, yeah, we got Miriam, Phil,

Jen with two N's, Jen with one N. Okay.
You might have seen them around like at a supermarket. I've seen Jen with two N's.
Yeah, Jen. Jen was my manager.

At the Triple K.

I worked there one summer. I worked at the Piggly Wiggly.

The party plane is blessed.

We have every type of grocery store.

So we're kind of looking for somewhere to kind of, because we got locked out of Orlinabago. So if you, could we stay in your vegetable tent? Are you referring to the Leoman's tiny hut? Yeah.

Oh, yeah, absolutely. I mean, it's floor-to-ceiling mason jars right now.
That's awesome. That's good.
And there's not like a card in there?

No, I don't think so. No, I think if you wanted to bring everything out, you'd have to do it the old-fashioned way.
By hand. Okay.
Gotcha. Okay.

How wide is the station wagon? We could probably all squeeze in there, right? I'd say probably one and a half people could take a short rest in there. Dr.
Hankens. We'll take turns.

No, that's not rest. I'll climb right in.
Yeah, I think we'll...

Wow.

Mavericks is his way.

Mavericks is out. He just wrapped himself in his Batman cape.
All right, Dr. Never's.
Well,

have fun. And maybe we'll see you at the grotto later or something.
Why would you invite him to the fight?

I just say maybe you'd see him. Or make you know I wasn't planning on going, but I guess I will now.
Yeah.

And if you have any like dental wisdom to impart on me, a young learner in the trade, I just feel like the party play needs more dentists. He wants to be a dentist.
Yeah, no, I know that.

Yeah, you told me that last night. He holds your hand.
Here's my dental wisdom.

Sir, if there's so much Novocaine in there that they can't feel it, and you accidentally touch their root with your drill, you gotta come clean. You gotta tell them.
They might need a root canal.

Honesty is the greatest tool of a dentist. Yeah.

All right. Well, are we going? No,

oh, I'm sorry. Sorry, I was fully asleep.

Okay, um, Tread, yeah, your dad's not cheating on your mom. He loves her a lot.
All right, well, yeah, that's what he would say, but there's something else going on, right?

Tred, as you say that, the woman in the silver robes comes by with an armful of kindling, and your dad perks up and says, Oh, I can't even believe I forgot to say this. This is a perfect opportunity.

I wanted to introduce you to my

guru.

Your guru? You have a guru? Yeah,

me and the crew have been studying magic, and you see this woman in her pale, shimmering cloth that's sort of burnt at the hems, puts her bundle down and bows to you. Oh, hello.

Hi. Hello.
So you're teaching people magic? Oh, yeah. So these are Tred's friends.
I don't know why Tred isn't here, but these are Tred's friends. Tell her how to get.
He's got a big gig.

He freaked out in the game.

Yeah.

What are they fucking doing? It's like comparatively big to his other shows, but it's not that big.

He's playing at the Piggly Wiggly.

It's bigger than normal. He's also not impressed.

Yeah. It was in the HomeGoods section where they sell

notebooks and shit.

It was paid, but not much. Yeah.

Parking lot.

He still has to bag stuff after

he's done playing. He still has to finish out the shit.
Yeah. But it's like a pretty busy package.

Wow.

It's so wonderful to meet all of you. It's nice to meet you.

It's very lucky that Tred and his father have each other.

Yeah, we're always saying that. This is how we like to talk about our friend and his dad.

I love gassing up our boy when he's not here by talking about his relationship with his dad.

As you guys say this, Miriam comes out with a huge armload of mason jars, and the door to the tiny hut is open if you want to go in.

Slimes!

Slimes are back! I've seen Miriam before. What? What?

What? What? Look. Vegetable hut.
Look, Trad, we'll go into the vegetable hut. I'm going to hold the flap open for no reason for an extra three seconds.
Okay, I come out of invisibility.

So to recap, since we've been here, we've been covered in shit, sprayed with seltzer. Matt got a hug, and we talked to my dad.

Why is this an interesting party place for us to fucking go? Dude, check it out. Unlimited beats.
Dude, we could have as many beats as we can. Great.
Now we're in a fucking vegetable tent.

Why did you say I was playing the fucking Piggly Wiggly? Oh, I.

What was that? Would you not?

We had to come up with a convincing lie, dude. It didn't have to be that convincing.
Dude, we can't say that, like, you're playing at like Red Rocks or something.

Yeah, there's a, there's in between Piggly Wiggly and Red. I can't think of one playing.
Fucking like Toad's Place or something.

Did you get Toad's Place? Toad's Place? Yeah, you think it's a Toad's Place. Just a fucking small venue.
I was trying to put it to the group. I didn't necessarily...
I'm going to be honest, guys.

I didn't want to come over here and sit around the smelly vegetables.

This sounded like we heard past a bunch of sick stuff that was a little more practical. We're just going to regroup in the hush.
Okay. Oh, yeah, Grant.

Well, why don't we talk about going to the grotto game? Oh, you didn't invite my fucking dad to. I didn't invite your dad.
You did.

He said if we saw him there, it'd be fine. Can you see out the window that Transdad is now walking over to the grotto? Oh, crap.
Maybe you'll forgot his fucking sticker shirt that he made.

All right, can we buy or none, dude? Your dad would never use stickers. Mac, can you open this? Yeah.

Try to open the can,

one of the mason jars. Yeah, you open it up.
Do you want me to crack them with a bunch of these?

No, I don't think they're done.

That's so smart. You see that Dave has opened it with his teeth and it's just jagged as hell.
Yeah, Mac just starts down in pickles.

So yeah, if you guys want to just chill in this fucking pickle hut and take a short rest, you absolutely can. Oh, oh, yeah, I'll take a short rest.

Yeah, I'll take a short rest and eat beets and pickle hooks. Guys, I feel a little disappointed in our performance so far.

Really? I feel like things have really taken a turn for the better. Because last time I was here,

I was in the cuddle party and then I went into the grotto.

And then I went to some of the things. You're just listing all the things I told you that I saw earlier.

Yeah. Yeah.

All that stuff. Yeah.

So it was exactly the same. Okay.
You made it seem like it was really different. Yeah, we could go to the grotto with Tred's dad if you guys want to.

Okay, so my dad's not cheating on my mom, but like something is weird's happening. He's like, yeah, they're best friends with this fucking strange lady.
Yeah.

We still don't know what the fuck is up with Carl. Carl's going to Glade Home University? Yeah, without me knowing us.
We're not fucking talk about that. Everything is backwards right now.

Like my dad is at the grotto and we're in a vegetable tent.

Well, that part's normal. Why? We just got to go to the fairy grotto and get some maragiano and smoke it up.

Okay.

Okay.

He's talking about weed, right? I think so.

He's saying it so different that I think it might be something else.

As long as you're off doing Coke, I think we're good.

Do we even still, I mean, we have the sick vegetable tent. Do we even still need to sleep in the Winnebago? To be fair, the Winnebago is caked in shit on the inside.
So, like, wouldn't we we not

want to go? Okay.

Let's try our bet at the grotto. Maybe we could sleep at the grotto? We could sleep here.

Yeah, we can just come back here. Why don't we just

park up? Yeah, well, I mean, we don't have bedrolls or anything, so we'll just leave and come back. Yeah.
And not brush our teeth or anything. I'm going to take about 10

things or basin jars

and trade them for anything else. Oh, sure.
Yeah, let's just. We had no current.

Did all of the adults go to the grotto or just my dad?

I think he just saw your dad, but presumably they all go everywhere in a crew.

Jen with two ends is going to be there. Right.
It's true. You have like a pretty strong relationship with Jen with Two N's.
I think she's cool. When did you see Jen with Two N's grocery store?

I saw the grocery store. I know one and two.
I know one ends with Jen. You know one and Jen? Yeah.
I don't know. And like I said, I definitely have walked past Miriam before.
Right. Yeah.

I've seen them all around at the various grocery stores. Like, why don't we just combine crews? Yeah.
I understand like while they're gone, we could like,

you you know, raid like their toothbrushes or whatever. Like, I feel like, oh, you want to steal? Why don't you give me an investigation check to see what kind of supplies you could find around here?

They're adults, so they would like, yeah, they would. Can I help?

Sure.

It's true. Any good dentist worth their fluoride would have extra toothbrushes on them.

It's a 21. Okay, yeah, you find toothbrushes.
Yes. Toothpaste, floss, mouthwash.
There's a bathtub in here, so you can all take bathtubs. I'm going to take a bath first.

Yeah, I'm going to take a bath.

Yeah, I am bathing. All right, yeah, let's take a couple hours.

Stocked all with like, you know, like non-alcoholic, buzzy, like kombuchas and all the health food you could want. So many quinoa bowls.

I need the place to myself at midnight.

Okay, I need to go. August 1st, that's when hobbies go.
Aren't they going to come back here, though? No, this is just ours, right?

As long as the bathroom has a lock, it's fine.

I've jerked it in the station wagon before, so I'll just do it there. What? What? In his dad's station wagon.

You've jerked off in Trent's dad station wagon. When?

I don't have to answer that. No, I think you actually do, dude.

Trent squares up the tax.

Where do we want to go? I think you need to answer that right now. On the way to Six Flags, okay?

On my birthday?

Wait, sorry, on the way there?

Not even on the- You don't get the decency to do it on the way home.

Because his dad has one of those old station wagons that have like a backpack backwards in the back, and he freaking jacked it back then.

I heard him shuffling around back then. There was a Lands Inn catalog back then.

There's actually a Landsen catalog in here. I mean, we take it.

We take it for midnight.

Everyone wait till midnight, okay?

Oh, this is the fucking summer issue.

There's one piece of

principle, one piece.

This is

the other boys.

Holy shit. Do you think Jen with two M's is looking up the one piece?

Oh, fuck.

Oh, wow. I need something for the summer house.

Guys are being freaking pathetic.

As Mavra says that, you guys have basically arrived, caused drama in several different locations, and then

retired to a school and made

deep plans to masturbate later. Just tell me now.
Just tell me we are, and I'll take it. Just tell me we're not.

As you say that, you actually hear a huge commotion happening at the Fay Grotto.

What?

What is going on? Everybody chop some beef. Hey, let's go.
Let's go. Eat a pickle on the go.

I grab a toothbrush. All chomped down on pickles and toothbrushes.

And you run out of the hut, and you see that several of the pixies that were hanging around this like pop-up oasis of like, you know, like centaurs and dryads.

A couple of the pixies are going freaking nuts, flinging firebolts at the blazing babe Malora effigy. Oh, whoa! Oh my god! Hey, hey! Hey!

We want to see the babe burn!

Not good! Hey! Everyone roll initiative!

It's not supposed to happen till later.

We took a short rest. Yeah, you took a short rest.

Oh, wow. That's a 21 for triad.
12. Oh, 12? That's pretty good.
I got a 13. I got a sexy little six.
Six. Okay.

I rolled their initiative ahead of time, and the pixies are going to go after all of you. Whoa.
So they're acting as a group. There are four pixies.
Are they all grouped together?

Um, they're all kind of separate, they're all just like holding fistfuls of fire and charging different sides of the effigy. The crew at the at the Fae Grotto is like, What the fuck are you doing?

and they're just like, Ha ha, we want to see the babe blaze. Tred, you are first to act.
All right, okay, I can do that, no problem. Um,

save the vibes, Tread. I got to.
All right, um,

All right. I guess I look at one of the pixies and...

When you look at it, you see she has like fire in her eyes. Wow.
I wonder if they've been possessed.

I look at that fire and I use that as I rip a fearsome solo on my guitar. Okay.
And I cast fear on it. Ooh.
Wait, what's the radius of that?

30 feet. 30 feet? Also, you can get two of them.

Nice.

All right. Yeah.
Cotties playing the freaking bridge from Dumpweed.

Tread it's too good. Save it for the Wiggly.
So scary.

Okay, so. Hunched over.
Yeah, so you hunch over your guitar and you play a fearsome lick. Are there any lyrics to go with it? Um, yeah.
Uh,

thank you, Mac, for the epic beer. And now I will cast be

It's the best song you've ever written.

Okay, so these monstrous notes come out of your guitar.

What kind of save do they do?

That's a wisdom save. Okay.
Whoa.

One of them fails.

The other one gets an 18, so that passes. Okay, so one of them fails.
What does fear do? I project a phantasmal image of a creature's worst fears.

You have to make a saving throw, and while frightened by this spell, a creature must take the dash action and move away from you by the safest available route on each of its turns, unless there is nowhere to move.

If the creature ends its turn in a location where it doesn't have line of sight to you, the creature can make a wisdom saving throw. On a successful save, the spell ends for the creature.

Okay, so these like monstrous, huge notes that you make, they basically like expand and tower over this little pixie who was throwing firebolts, and she kind of shrinks from it.

And she's like, actually, I don't think I'm gonna see the, I don't wanna see, I don't wanna see her.

I didn't think so. Now it's the opening riff to dump weed.

And on her turn, she will take a dash action.

Maveris, that's you. There are still three pixies out there.
Maveris is going to bring back an

oldie but a goodie mouth's minute meteors. Whoa!

Little meteors come up and circle around

Maveris. And let's see what I love these little meatballs.
I create six tiny meteors in space. They float around me, and then as a bonus action on my turn, I will throw one or two meteors.

So I'm going to do

you summon like these little meteors around. You catch the attention of the moon elves, who are like, what's up with this guy? How's he making meteors?

And

do they whirl around your head or how does it work? I don't have to answer that question right now. I'm constantly.

Amazing. His nose is bleeding just a little bit.
Stop. He juggles.

We're not pathetic. He's a juggler.

Nobody just figured it out, okay?

And I'm going to throw...

Let me see.

He learned how to juggle on YouTube.

It only took him four and a half months. I'm a sorcerer.
I learned how to do it on YouTube.

So they make a deck 16 safe. 16? They have a plus 5 to decks.
Oh, shit. Okay.

So one. Wait, so one got an 18 and one got a five.
Okay, so the one that got 18 will take half. Okay, cool.
Okay, so.

Ooh, that's a five and a six.

So one takes 11 and one takes five? Yeah. Okay, so you throw this meteor.
One of them, it completely knocks her out.

Down to the ground. Down.

Shit.

Again, everyone that you've alienated so far rethinks their social interaction with you because of that move. And then another one like takes it to the face and is, uh,

I guess that's a little brutal, but yeah, why not? Because she takes takes it to the face and it's like, oh.

But then she still goes to summon her little fireball. Okay.

Mac, that's you.

Okay. Um,

the one who just got hit by the rock and stayed up.

I guess I'll just run up and take a crack at her with my mace.

Oh my god, dude. What? You brought a maze to stop them.

You just gonna ruin the party.

Pretty dark, dude.

Whoa, you're escalating.

Um, 14?

They're easy as 15.

I beat.

Runs up to this pixie with a mace that he got from a bachelor party, if I recall. Yeah.

Be careful, dude. You're gonna pull something.

As you miss, you like swing your mace, it lands down, and you, as you, like, bend over to pick it up, you make eye contact with one of of the dryad stickers

what the hell i take my next attack on that

and then dave that is your turn there are there's one pixie who's gonna dash one who looks still like she has resolve to throw a fireball and one who's like fully ready to go nuts all right um

dave is going to uh target the one that is about to throw a fireball uh gonna switch to um finally finally finally, finally, gonna use my mouth blast. Gonna use a mouth shower.

Switching to like a slushy, cold breath. Woo!

And as one of my attacks, I'm gonna run over to them and just blast them with some like slushy ice breath. Okay, great.
What does she do?

It's gonna be a DC-14 deck safe, I believe. A deck safe.
Okay, so Dave runs over to this hurt pixie and throws up a slushy. I missed with a dex.

This is an insane series of events.

I'm so sorry. She rolled really well.
She got a 24 on her deck save. Oh, she's a bad thing.
Does she still take half damage? Oh, yeah, I believe so. Roll the damage because she might eat it.

It was like a drinking game.

Dave, with a very full mouth, because it's full of slushy ice, says,

cool out.

That's 17. Oh, you know, half of that.

That's eight damage. That finishes her.

You drown her in a mountain of slushy ice.

Whoa, whoa, this is what you guys are missing.

And what would you like to do with your second attack? With my second attack, I pull out a frisbee that I got from the treat drawer at Dr. Nevers's office.

He never realized we go. Dude, you got enough tokens? You got enough rubber bands changed to be able to get a frisbee? I saved up for years.

You see, it's a frisbee that has a B on it, and the text says, Always be brushing.

Really

emphasizing the bead.

It's a double entendre. I scream as I launch it.

I'm right next to Abe. It echoes through his retainer, his arrow limit retainer.
And I'm going to do a bursting arrow on the fully healthy Pixie. Great.
Make your attack.

13 misses. 13 does miss, yeah.
Do you see where that went?

She went off into the night, dude. I'm sorry.
He's just out in the desert. I saw where it went and it's gone forever.
There's so many tokens. Oh my god.

Years of work. I'm really sad for you.

Yeah, I didn't get you one. Like, you guys don't have to save up the tokens.
I think that it doesn't count that way. I think that's honorable.

She is going to just see Dave do this to her friend, and instead of hurling a firebolt, she will turn to Dave and

try to use her confusing touch on him.

That's so weird. Confusion touch give me

a uh wisdom saving throw

okay

dave's wise

uh as i mentioned before i have a girlfriend we're on the rocks so like there's nothing confusing about this

uh wisdom save yeah 17 you make it

had you had you not made that you would have had to attack one of your friends oh my god that would have been so we would have we wouldn't have come back from that That would have been it.

So she basically is like, don't go after me. Go after one of your friends.
I brush her hand off and say, get your hand off of me. Me and Sterzen are still working it out.

And then the other Pixie who's still standing is going to use her turn to dash, tread its back around to you.

All right, cool. So there's one more.
There's one pixie standing. All right.
I guess I will take out your sword.

I could also sing another song.

See what my sword is. You got a captive audience here, dude.
I'm singing a song, man.

Make your heart beat fast, pitter and patter, then it breaks like glass when I make it shatter. Oh, shatter, shatter, shatter.

Tread, you were fucking ready for the bad.

What kind of save is that? Con.

Whoa.

She got a not one. Nice.
Wow.

There's no way she's going to survive. Shannon cast it at only 80.

Damage.

Okay.

3d8.

It's only 10 damage. That is exactly how many hit points she has.

She explodes into...

You actually see that as she explodes from this shatter, she explodes into

like a thick

ooze.

What? That sort of stinks like bile. Oh, is that

from the Winnebago? Dude, beef.

Yeah, is that do they beef when they when they left? Is that like what happens to pixies when they die? They like beef, like turn into goo and beef.

You see, other, you see, like the other Fae are confused by this, they're like kind of fucked up by this. Like, what the fuck just can I go investigate the who's?

Yeah, Dave's gonna like dip a finger into it. You're gonna dip it through his nose.
Yeah, okay, then I'm going to need you to roll a D-100.

As Hungry Dave is doing this, uh, Maverick speaks to the crowd and says,

Okay, everyone,

people seem to think that we weren't really bringing anything to the table. And I just want everyone to know that we're here to

not, we're not cops.

As you say that, give me a persuasion check, but disadvantage, because nothing makes someone seem more like a cop.

The crowd whispers, Are they cops? Are they cops? Two eights, which becomes

persuasion? Yeah. 16.
Okay, 16. You get away with it.
You say the thing that usually would put a spotlight on. Minor illusions and fireworks.

And everyone's like, whoa, okay. I fucking do drugs.

Tread's dad. What?

Yeah, this guy loves Coke.

You know the name of that one, Dave?

He thinks it's a muffin. That guy seems like he doesn't do drugs, right? The way he said, Coach.

Dave, what did you get on the D100? I accidentally rolled two of the higher number ones,

the multiples of 10 ones, but it's a 60 and an 80, so it can either be 68 or 86. I'm not going to look at the table.
What do you prefer? Ooh, okay.

68, because it's almost 69. I'll just say, yeah, I was just going to say 68.

68. So your

eyes turn black and you get dark vision to a range of 120 feet. Whoa.

What's 86?

86.

Can I eat the goo and take the 86?

Don't take the six. I'm not going to tell you what 86 is, but I think he would have actually preferred it.

Yeah, you want to eat the goo? Yeah. Roll D100.

This is like a sci-fi movie where they're like, clearly it's bad and everybody's just touching it with their hands. It's not necessary.
Goo's on the menu.

Guys, look at this. I have permanent neo glasses.
You guys know it's like. Dave can see it.
Dave can see everything. I found my disc! It's over there.

Yeah, you find your disc. It hovers towards you.

I got an 88.

It smells so rank. Why would you guys want it to be? It tastes fine.
Okay, you were. It just tastes like shit.

Your ears become wings.

My ears?

Yes! I see you have a flying speed of five feet.

I'm walking. No! Dude, dude! Look at my wing here.
The vibe is so right. The vibe is right.

This is drugs. This is a natural upper.
This is natural.

We got it. We got it.

Guys, stop touching it. And Iris looks at it.

Yeah, I know.

I know he can find it.

The price was too high.

The price was too high. Look at him.

You look like fucking Dumbo now, dude.

You're like Mario 64.

Actually, give me a performance check to see how much you're rocking this.

11. 11? He actually looks a little better than you would expect.
Yeah. Can I?

Oh, a couple people clock it. They're all interested.
Oh, fuck. If everyone's going to like it, then I'm going to touch the goo.

Anyone who touches the goo has to roll a D100. Can I sneak up by and try to push him in the goo? Absolutely.

I'm not going to fucking touch the goo. Touch the goo, dude.
Everyone else just touched the goo, and I had to be covered in a fucking world in our head. I touched the doo.

I touched the goo.

Put my hand in it.

33.

This is the one we got at 33.

33. Can I use your D.

No.

This is so sad for Tred. Tre, as you get shoved into the goo,

your ears free themselves from your head and scurry away.

Why is everybody dealing with ear shit?

Catch it all to my ear focus. You're trying to get his ears.

Get my ears. Dave chases the...
Maverick's got a 52. A 52.

Dave, can you see Trent's ears?

The target's arms become tentacles with fingers

and increasing your reach by five. That's it, Greg.
Oh, no.

I'm going to touch the goo again and see if I can get a better one just to be like.

You can't double touch, dude.

Can you double touch? Like, I have fingers on the end of tentacles.

I got an 81 on the double touch, and I'm just trying to touch the one part of the goo that gets my ears to grow back.

The targets had topples inside. Oh my gosh.

Now it's even more obvious.

I found your ears, dude. You wanted to put them back in the back.
Yeah, well, no, I don't want to put that. They don't match.

Help.

As you guys sit here touching this goo, a girl, like a summer Eladron who's like wearing a little name tag that says Amber comes and she's like, oh my God, this is a disaster.

Please stop touching the goo. Clearly something horrible has happened.
Because we double touched it, that's why.

I shouldn't double-touch him. Obviously, we saved the day, so somebody has to kind of like

stop. I'm so sorry to point this out, but now that your head is so huge, even if we find your ears, are they going to fit? They're not going to fit at all.

So we need to reverse everything that happens. Well, Trace,

except for my wing ears. We have some broccoli, we have some pickles, we have some carrots.
Yeah, because if I put my beanie on, then like Dave said, I do look like winged cat Mario.

And I'm going to, you know,

I'm going to look for some longer sleeves, maybe.

They're just hanging out of your... cloak of displacement.

So as you guys are touching this goo, I think that this girl, who's kind of like an authoritative figure here, is like, something weird is going on. Everyone just step away from the goo.

But like if I triple touch it, maybe everything will go back to normal. You want to touch it again? Touch it again.

Long arms. I'm a triple goof.

He's triple touching. This is honestly epic.
That's an 89.

89?

You are. Oh, your ears become wings, giving you a flying speed, but you don't know where they are.

They're flying away! They're flying away!

Fuck me!

Flying away.

I'll go get him. I fly after him.

Why is everything easier?

You guys both have a speed of five feet.

I'm just going off into the desert. Try to predict the direction you're going to go in.

Are you going straight? Should have carried me in my reach.

So, Tred, your ears fly off. They're fucking gone.

Mac is flying after them.

Mac, if you carried me, you'd have a lot. I could reach them.

All right. We can try.
Well, no, you're now you're coming back for him. You're never going to catch them.
I'll guide you. Look, to the left.
There they are. As you all do this,

Dave. As you all do this, this woman who's clearly some sort of kind of like authoritative figure is like, okay, something went terribly wrong, but you guys helped us out.

So I'm going to bring you to a med tent and get this sorted out. All right.
In the meantime,

she like pours some of this like icher into like a little tube without herself touching it. Um, sort of analogous to it.
You shouldn't touch it, you shouldn't touch it, right? Or you should

touch it again,

but if you do touch it once, touch it twice or thrice.

Um, uh, she looks at it and she goes, This is so weird because they were just these pixies that were, you know, transported in from the Fey Wild, but this is fiend Iker.

What? Wait,

and like they're not like from the infernal planes. Wow.
Wait, what?

And that's where we'll end this mixed bag.

I guess we're going to have to have a part three.

Hell yeah. Sorry, we spent too much time in the vegetable tent.
And now the two-parter is the three-parter.

Oops.

You spent too much time standing still arguing.

It was really funny to be like, here's all these things. And you guys were like, no, I think we would like to yell at someone for us.
We need to yell at someone and find a land's end magazine.

And now it's time to thank our benevolent council of elders.

They are Brad D., Jeffrey S., Lord of the Fjord, later Mick Skater, Matt M, Cutter W, Jeff C., Daniel G, Danielle the Dastardly Dane, Beardman Dan, Carpe Liam, Bryant, who is worthy of a first-class Grinching.

Yes, you are. Victor T.
Balnor's Boy, Hoyt's Friend, Justin I.

Danny Danster, TJM, Trele the Cray, Christopher B, Damiel R., Jordan L., Cyborg Version of Josh the Kobald, Targott, Stevie Waggs, Hellish Rebuker, Ph.D., Princess Yar, Jory S., Rachel from Animorphs, Jack L., Nicholas C., Star of Every Film Ever Made in Bohumia, Mike, High Tower, Alka Smeltzer Plus, Great Value Gemma, Tyler F., Fighting Favorites, The Favorite Things, Podcast, Ni Badger, Heradrian, Carborough Chapel Hill FPV, Rex Daniel the White, White, Cece Lulu, Ol Cobb's Dunkel, Older Byrne, Heracule Poirot, the Rabbit Folk Detective, Timmy R., Rayco, Calder, Comes Cold, shout out to the Cold Come Companions, Frosty Facial, of course, Taylor B, the Vengeful One-Winged Angel, Cass, Strong Grinch, Stephen, Awkward Silence, Then Quietly, No C, Mike K, Lady Taco, Ya Girl, Got Knocked Up, Congrats!

Nick W, William W, Big Bad, Beardo the Mad, Eric McD, Anorama, Percival, Fredrikstein von Mussel Klowowski Di Rolo the Third Jay Dragonborn Guardian of the Vibe Honoring the Cock Flux Rue Ben A Dave H Dustin S Danny F Hawkeye Pierce, Bookvar's Assistant Izzy F Big Bad John DPC is Awesome Hashtag Honor the Cock Sean the Shade Tree Mechanic of Zeldar Summer RG Cat C Misa of House and Zunza Ariel the Occasional Mermaid Selena N, aka Velacie Raptor B Perky Always, Pat L, Maxwell J, Lauren H, Serve 16, Annie, the Faywild Therapist, Connor, Savage, Salil, BioCourt 7, Amber, Dextrous, Bean Rat, Was Innocent, Trub Hop Dropper, Jack H, King of the Mole People Andra Iron Deep, dressed in blue and fighting his way through a bracket style tournament, Valen Paj the Bitchin' Bunny Bard, Carlin C, Noah the Bullywog Boy, hashtag Arnold the Cock, James G, Everything Bago, the Eladron who just wants to hang out with his pet badger, Stripey, Daddy, Master Dandy, Han, Han, Eric B., Marcos, learns the balance, Druid, Frida M, Pagos, self-proclaimed fake king, asking you to watch the Disruptors starring Allie Beardsley and Grant O'Brien, Tracy P, the Crick Elf Librarian, Maggie, Holly, the green laughing hyena, finally caught up to the duck team, Akash Thakar, Cal, just Cal, Aaron B., Russell H, a monk named Dilgo, yes, the whole thing, yes, every time, Cody C, Lorelei the succubi, and Kira the succulent snack, McKenna S, your friendly neighborhood yacht and young, Andrew and Sid, John Adams, the write-in candidate for 2024, I wish, Meg, the mail carrier manager of Bahumia, James F.

Austin S. Wayfarer now has to do something with the trolls, get rid of them, turn to page 42, keep them, turn to page 69, Shane C.

Barpo, Good Barrel, Bard Barian, Welsh Lander, Garrett G, one big curd, Renee the Monster Captain, Box Clifton, Olivia the Enchanting Bard, and Jared the Soap Opera Cleric who are playing Stick It to the Man Down with the Monarchy, Winter Slade, Fico, Garrett the Artificer, Damon J, Anthony the Raddest of Dudes, Jay, the Fairies Say, Kakaw, congratulations to Susanna and Caldwell on their new baby.

That's right. Cantrip, Dumbledore, the Bear Onesie Wearing Barbarian, Lexi H.
Roger L.

Nodrog, the pass-a-fist, barbarian, Gino T, Jianluka, Tristan the talentless hunk, Leon K, legendary hero of Bohumia from a future campaign, shenanigans, O'Connor, Mios the Great, Joshua S.

Alexander, Lins W.

Johnny Dude K, Pavo Eskinor, the Goliath Paladin providing service with a smile, Tim M, a catnapping in a sunbeam, listening to a podcast, MLG, Cheeto, CJ, Hampton, Shell B, Ken is now first favorite sprite girl, Triss Hard Seltzer, more like Piss Hard Seltzer, congrats, Tanner Wolf, Fam.

Jackson R. Snailess, who is infecting Worcestershire for within.

Captain Morgan, Pirate Wizard, Pawpaw Skydays, Mima Skydays, Megan N., Anthony B, Savannah H., Balnor's best friend, Steve, Stephanie of House and Zunza, Benjamin A, Gimley the Corky, Pawpaw and Foster's canine friend, Michael A.

Josh Hole, pilot of the Nightmareverse flight, Frokey, the two crew, Blue Through, Jennery, Ethan the Mailman, Maple, the Shy Bookworm, Ashosaurus, Seth E., Billy Batson, Tori the Tungsten Dragoose, Michael L.

S. II, Jacob the Purveyor of shenanigans, Carl B.

Plumber of the Realm, Parcel, Dex Riddlewell, Hannah A., Ra, Ace Dregs, High Lord of Critzburg, Darius D, Troy's Mom, Finn Diagram, GKC, T He T He, Catamilius the Consumed, Bart of Holding, Clinton P, Thankful Cam the Frog Man, Dean Jake W., Hi Mom, Hello, Tuesday Cross, the Choose Your Own Adventure Writer, not the porn star, Steve L.

Alex G, Zibby DeBaccery, Nicole Katerina C., Lady Jacqueline P. of Castle Whitestone, and of course, Potato Punk.
Thank you, everybody.

That was a Head Gum Podcast.