The Mavrus Chronicles - The Road to Blazing Babe (Part 1)

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This is a headgun podcast.

Hey, everybody, Murph here.

We're putting together a last-minute schedule for November due to Caldwell's early paternity leave.

Over the next two weeks, we'll be posting Hot Boy Summer Blazing Babe to the main feed, DM'd by the dungeon docent Emily Axford herself.

This was originally released two years ago on our Patreon mix bag level.

There are four episodes, so we'll be putting them out for two weeks on Tuesdays and Thursdays, and on Thursdays, the Patreon will be getting short rests, and we've never done short rests for these, so we'll be having fun revisiting this with our friend, Zach Oyama.

Zach is back, baby.

This week will be episodes one and two, and next week we'll get episodes three and four.

We are in the process of recording the end of campaign three, but need a little wiggle room while Caldwell gets things settled.

We'll update you on that as soon as we have updates.

Until then, please enjoy Hot Boy Summer Blazing Babe.

On with the show.

Welcome to the campaign after the campaign.

This is not another DD podcast.

Welcome back to Bahumia.

Bahumia!

Not just any Bahumia, though.

A Bahumia of yore.

Back before the gash of frost wind was air thwacked, before the fabric of fate was torn asunder, before hell and shadow fell found their redemption in unlikely candidates.

A bohumia of aimless reverie, passive-aggressive sidebars, and of course, disc golf.

This is the bohumia of four friends from the party plane who narrowly eked out the best summer of their lives by the best summer ever And evil wizard in her underwater laboratory and winning the Salty Peaks Beer Olympics Drink Cathalon.

That's right, baby.

It's hot boy summer.

Best hot boy summer ever until now.

Yes, that's right.

Summer once more.

We're going to keep topping it.

I'm your dungeon docent, Emily Oxford, joined by Matt, son of Mumford.

Hi.

Shit,

I made fun of other people for

everyone.

Can I sidebar with everyone?

Shut up.

Emily before we recorded.

Let'em drown.

Well, I got thrown off because usually you get thrown to, and it's Brian Murphy, and then I say that I'm Max, so I was thrown off.

I said let him drown when they didn't have their

kick this dude off the Brian's ready.

Everyone shut up.

The IPA brewing, sidebar spewing, Charade Master, Beer Domain Caster.

It's Max, son of Mumford.

There's our our band.

Very good.

And of course, we've got Devanaxius Gilderfang.

Oh, coming out of my cave, and I'm feeling just fine because my name is Hungry Dave, and I really like wine.

What?

Fucking where?

When did you start drinking?

I saw it.

I really never saw that drink.

What's your favorite wine, Dave?

What color is it?

Red one.

Red one.

Red one?

Like a red one.

So, what type of red wine?

Do you like like a Pinot Gregio or what?

Yeah, I love that.

That's fucking white, Danny.

And

who's to forget?

Tread never.

She said, I'm better off, Tread.

You know what?

That's just a new song glory lyric.

Yeah, I know.

That deserves some liege, man.

And the boy that launched the entire crew, Maverick the Unschooled.

As you said, Maveris the Unschooled from the party plane, ready to do one-armed pull-ups like G.I.

James.

Oh, Dave, did you reference it?

It was on TV.

I just checked it out.

Oh, no, it's pretty solid.

Mac, Hungry Dave, Dredd, Mavericks.

Temperatures are rising.

Dude, it's hot.

The sun

is shining.

Right?

Vibes are aligning.

Wow.

Oh, shit.

I've got a little spring in my stuff.

And this summer, the boys are going to Blazing Babe.

Oh, yeah!

Come babe!

Go for it!

You're doing it!

All good summer!

Freaking kicks!

We had that one bicycle delivery service, and we all rode one really long bicycle all around town delivering packages.

What the fuck, we did that!

Yeah!

It cost more to get the one big bike.

You know what?

We spent way too much money on the bike.

We spent too much freaking money on the rocky bike.

But it was four guys on the bike.

Maybe we can bring it.

Blazing Babe is the annual festival in which a circle of druids commence at Phallow or Cursed Earth, have a huge solstice, all-nighter bonfire, and return the land to its forgotten fecundity.

Does, yeah, everyone knows what it is.

I know what fecundity means.

I'm just trying to tell you guys.

Max reading out of a manual

as he drives.

As he keeps reading, he reads, This year's Blazing Babe takes place in the Aberrant Waste, a desert of sand and ash where a stray comet from the astral plane collided, incinerating upon impact and unleashing foul energies into the previously fruitful land.

I actually saw Tread fecunding in his room last night.

No, you didn't.

Close the door, dude.

Come on, dude.

You're going to crank it.

You have to close the door.

I wasn't fecunding anywhere.

I haven't fecunded in a fucking week and a half.

What?

Why?

Really?

That's

doing no fab June.

Not no jerk June?

No jerk June, yeah.

A jerkless June.

All right, we're all doing it.

And a dry July.

No fecund fab.

You're going to celebrate all summer?

Till September, yeah.

Celeboys, right?

All right.

Let's all agree not to crank it at all on this trip.

No promises, dude.

No promises.

You know I can't turn down a a dare.

Well, before we go to this festival where none of you guys are going to jerk off in the chat,

let us actually begin in the party plane.

Look, we know you've all been doing this tandem bike delivery

thing and

lost a lot of money on the quad bike.

It sucks because we all have to work the exact same hours.

It's four guys on one route.

So it minimizes the customers.

It minimizes the customers.

If one of us tries to use the bike without the other ones, it's way more difficult.

We're splitting one paycheck, essentially.

Right, but like the gimmick is so strong.

Dave?

This is really fun because I was originally going to start you guys all out at your summer job and I had four individual summer jobs for all of you, but now that you've committed to being a four-person bike delivery thing, we're just going to start there.

We begin on the poorly paved streets of the party plane.

All four of you are just sweating buckets as you try to pedal this four-person bike uphill.

The party plane is notoriously hot.

You're delivering ice cream to a children's birthday party.

You're behind schedule.

Trent's not, Tread's not pedaling fast enough.

I'm trying to keep the ice cream cool, dude.

Dude, no one has to blow it.

That's with your freaking hands, man.

I'm Travers, blow on it, dude.

No, don't let it up.

My breath is notoriously hot.

Yeah, we are all doing it.

All at the same time,

all of your speaking stones buzz.

Pull over.

We can't pull over.

Can everyone here and no one lie to try to seem cool?

Can everyone here ride without using the handlebars?

Yeah, it's all core.

You gotta go core.

Yeah, I can, but I just know for a fact that Hungry Dave can't, so it shouldn't let go.

Are you kidding me?

My core is notoriously strong.

I'll be flying.

Everyone give me a dexterity save to not wreck into a bush.

Okay.

There's a 19 deception to say that I can't use it.

Mac got a four.

Mac was lying.

Okay.

17 from Dave.

Okay.

Tread got a 22.

13 for Mac.

Okay, so all of you pass except for

Mac, who gets his pant leg caught.

Oh!

You were the one that said you could do it.

I didn't think the pants were gonna.

Oh, dude, you're ripping your cords.

Holy shit, I can actually do it.

Mac falls off while all four of you are speaking so sorry.

His ice cream isn't gonna deliver itself.

You have to fucking wait for me.

You know the address.

It's melting.

spray it just sprint i'm gonna hold this against you guys the whole freaking summer

you will regret this max shakes his fist and he he points at you guys as you guys ride the bike away uh he gives a thumbs down he points back to himself he shakes his head no uh he crosses his arms to show that he's mad he points to his face and does a sad face he points to you guys he mimics being on a bike he makes it so the bike falls over he does wavy hands like he's doing magic down onto the bike.

And then he shakes his head again as he disappears in the dust.

Did he do anything?

Dave watched the whole thing and says, wow, who looks pissed as we crash the bike?

Mag, as your friends leave you in the dust, you take out your phone and you see a group text from Luella, the Crick elf that you guys found on Crick's list, who is going to be driving you to Blazing Babe and giving you shelter in her Winnebago, all for the low price of just some drugs.

All right, girls,

easy exchange.

So, shit, Luella writes, Hey, y'all, can't wait to blaze with you, boys.

I'll be picking y'all up tomorrow at the ass crack of dawn, so be ready.

Now, I know this is y'all's first blaze, so I just wanted to make sure you've coordinated getting everything you need to cultivate only the best vibes.

She's talking about bud, y'all.

Also, in terms of drugs, I'm not picky, but I do prefer uppers to downers, and I try to keep it natural.

See y'all tomorrow.

Okay.

All right.

So do you have who's got some natural uppers?

Yeah.

Who has the sticky icky?

Which one of you guys cured the gonja?

Jack is by himself, scratching his head, wondering what a natural upper is.

I can think of natural downers.

Wait, I mean, well, just to get ahead of it, I blaze, and I totally

have been there.

So I know a lot about this.

Maverick's gonna be a deception.

Yeah, okay.

I'm just not with them, right?

Yes, but Meg, I will say that you can open up a group text, and literally, the last

talking to them, the last message that you sent to the group text went unanswered, unresponded to, and it was you claiming that you don't look like a narc and you can totally get drugs.

I exclamation point my own text that they

didn't respond to as I am up the hill from them.

Maveris, what did you get?

I got a 14.

You got a 14.

Everyone give me a posed insight.

Ooh.

I got an 18.

Fuck.

Oh, that's a nine.

Okay, so Hungry Dave.

Maveris has been to Blazing Babe before.

Trust him.

Whatever he says goes.

He is like the man for this.

Tre, Maveris is fucking full of shit.

I have been.

Yeah, dude, totally.

Tell me everything.

Yeah, tell him everything.

Yeah, well, it's like, I mean, it's such a blur, and it's honestly the best.

But what do you remember?

Well, you learn a lot when you get there for the first time.

That's indescribable.

That's one of the things that you learned when you got there.

Sand.

Shit, actually, maybe he has been.

Do we bring our own sand or is it there?

Yeah, you should probably bring a couple.

Okay.

All right, so we got to get drugs and sand.

Got it.

Got it.

Mac, at this point, they've crashed on their own.

You've probably walked to catch up with them.

Unless you've decided to go in the opposite direction.

I've just passed it aggressively.

Just look at my phone near their crash.

So, seems like you guys need four people on that bike.

Yeah, I think your pant leg actually got caught up in the gears and it kind of derailed us into it.

Is anyone going to eat those ice cream cones?

They're on the ground.

You do get a message from Martha Avery saying, where are the cones?

The The kids are crying.

All right, does anyone have like a spell that can like reconstitute a cone?

Because, like, the parents at these parties always seem pretty chill, and I feel like maybe they could be our hookup.

I can cast Spare the Dying on the ice cream.

Wait,

actually, family would allow that.

You want to cast Spare the Dying on the ice cream?

Yeah, go for it.

I cast Spare the Dying on the ice cream.

Is that a touch spell?

Uh, yeah.

Okay, as you touch the ice cream, it melts faster.

Wait, does it?

what?

What was it?

Why are you touching it?

Can I sidebar with everyone right now?

That's a public

open bar.

Yeah, that's an open lift.

Can we have an open bar for a second?

Because I am trying something.

Okay, right, yeah.

While they're doing that, can I put in my rainbow mouth guard and cast freeze breath on it?

Yeah, so actually, this is a new thing that Hungry Dave just picked up from his dentist who happens to be Mr.

Never's.

Dr.

Never's Dr.

Davanaxius is going for a straighter smile

and was gifted a

actually not gifted, it was reworked, an heirloom retainer.

Yeah, that's rainbow.

That's a heirloom retainer.

Yeah, heirloom retainer.

Obviously, I watched it.

It was my dad's.

It was McArithneax's.

And it's a rainbow thing so that he can change his breath weapon to be other elements.

Right.

So I pop in this retainer.

You see that there's like this rainbow display of bands.

You do see that Mickarithneax has been crossed out and I've written Davinaxius on it.

Sorry, just real quick.

Your dad passed down his retainer.

Yeah, it's nearly

fits in your mouth.

Yeah.

Well, it got to be reworked, obviously.

Yeah, Dr.

Nevers

fixed it up.

Tred's dad does amazing work.

Your dad's going to lose his license, dude.

He barely should be a doctor anyway.

Tred, I'll say that.

You actually know that your dad is going through a rough spot.

Really?

He's going through.

Mary is silent.

Dude, you know my dad is going through a hard time.

He is.

It's not a hard time.

He's having like a slight midlife crisis that's kind of rearing its head in interesting ways because Tread is a tiefling.

And sometimes a tiefling can be born to two humans who have dormant infernal

like bloodline legacies.

So your parents are both human and then in your dad's sort of, I'm a dentist, what am I doing Midlife crisis, he's been getting really into his infernal legacy, and he is now doing a little spell casting on the side.

All right, oh, yeah, he was showing me some cantrips while he did x-rays on my mouth.

Okay, like you're not supposed to do that at work, he does that in the basement after work.

Mac, uh, let me help you with the bike.

Let's hang out over here.

I have to text my mom.

This is like stressing me out.

I think I might have to, I might have to jerk off in August.

you guys want to do august

you have to jackpop every day

up for dry july

and then celebrate september jerkless june what dry july august yeah and then we're back around right then celebrate september i think we should loosen the reins a little bit and just no cranking it in the tent but you can you can crank it well we have the winner you don't want to crank it in public right yeah you You can crank it in the bathroom.

Okay.

Because we're going to be glamping.

While you guys go over all these really important guidelines,

is there anything else you'd like to prepare for this journey?

You know, you've got passage across the desert.

Right.

You know that you could crash in this girl's Winnebago.

Is there anything else you'd like to prepare?

Well, I forgot to pack entirely.

So I got to do that.

Right.

Okay.

So are we just going to your place?

Are we forgetting these like this birthday or whatever?

Yeah.

these things.

We get another message from Martha and Louise Avery

so no one sees us.

Let's just so freaking needy.

We tell everyone that someone stole the bike.

Yeah.

Let's hide the bike and hide the insurance.

We beat up one of us.

So one of us has to get assets.

One of us has to get asses kicked.

Me and Maveris already said it wasn't us.

I'll also say it's not me.

Okay.

Because I don't want to do it.

You have to kick it.

It's got to be me.

Shaka not kicking Dave's ass because I'm like, I'll dip.

No, I don't want him either.

You know what?

I'm going to to do?

I'm going to blindfold myself so I won't know who's kicking my ass.

Okay, and that's the thing.

Okay, so Maveris, you have to do it.

I'll be in there blindfolded and he won't know.

I'm down.

I can hear you speaking, though.

I can hear you having this.

Open up a message.

Can I sidebar with you guys?

Yeah.

Okay, who wants to kick Dave's ass?

Well, it sounds like Tread's got to let some aggression out or something.

It's just like this da my like my dad fucking doing shit to his retainer.

And I feel like Dave knew that that was an issue and kind of was like,

in your face.

Yeah.

in a way.

It's like I don't actually starve because it's in his mouth, and that's it.

I know.

Okay, you got it.

It's a weird request.

You put your dad's career at risk, honestly.

So, to be clear, right now,

I'm trying to understand what's I'm trying to parse together.

You guys are abandoning the ice cream

and beating up.

Okay, okay,

great.

Then, I think

take some attacks at Dave and do a performance check.

I'm going to have a little bit of these.

Yeah, I'll fuck it.

I'll do it.

I'll do it too.

Dave is silently singing to himself.

Okay.

So which one do you want first?

Just like an unarmed strike or my performance?

Unarmed strike, please.

Okay.

Because it doesn't matter how well you perform if you don't make contact.

Well, I don't think I will because I got a seven.

I got a fifteen.

What's your arm I clap, Dave?

That misses.

Both those men.

Dave, he's dodging it.

Both Mavericks and Tread take a swing and miss.

Holy shit.

He's like freaking Neo.

He's the one.

I'm the one.

All right, I'll just cast inflict wounds on Dave.

This is Tread.

What?

Tread, I'll kud you.

Fuck.

I rolled so bad.

Dave, can you lay down so we get a damage?

For my boys, anything.

Blazing beep.

I'll roll that again.

Okay, that one's a 19 to hit.

That does hit.

Okay, that's going to be 15 necrotic damage.

Oh, fuck.

Mac, Mac, what, dude?

Hold on.

Alright, he's fucked up.

It's cat here.

That's right.

He has to look fucked up.

Somebody help.

We have to steal the ice cream or the bike.

Or which one?

What's it for?

Dekist came by and

casts a hex on this dude.

All right.

No, it was a a podiatrist.

Okay, as you guys are yelling for help, a little tiefling man wearing a cute little sun hat and a gardener's apron runs over from a nearby house and says, Hey, what happened here?

What happened here?

Oh, I was trying to deliver ice cream to Martha and Louise.

Do you know them?

Yeah, I do.

Yeah, they have a lovely little daughter who just turned three.

All the kids are at that party.

God, I hope it's going well.

You have to bring this melted ice cream there, stat.

And tell them what happened to you.

A podiatrist came out of the freaking bushes and hexed our friend.

Yeah, give me a description.

21.

Nice.

21.

Okay, this guy says, Oh my gosh, that is awful.

I'm so sorry.

Make sure that you like file a report or something.

We're definitely going to jump off.

Remember to say that you work for Fordash.

Ford is the company.

This man looks so disappointed, and he just says, The party plane isn't what it used to be.

Oh my god.

What was that guy's deal?

I don't know.

My chest hurts hearing that.

Yeah.

Mine does too, but from the hex.

Yeah.

I'll give you a little healing word.

Oh, thanks, bro.

Yeah, Tread went nuts on you, dude.

I didn't actually.

I was honestly impressive, dude.

That like level of necromancy from you, that is like some serious stuff.

Oh, yeah, actually.

No, yeah.

It was me.

Okay, so you guys have basically,

you could take another job if you wanted to or you could just spend the rest of the night getting whatever you think you need.

Okay, why don't we just get uh prepped?

I have I think I'm gonna do sort of like a performance art thing where like as I serve beer at Blazing Babe, I'm gonna be dancing in like different bodysuits with different colored glow sticks.

Uh, so I need to match my glow sticks to my bodysuits.

Okay, wow, all right, awesome.

Like just to clarify, we do still need to get the drugs though, right?

So we got to figure that out.

Fuck.

What's the matter?

Because Max said he you had the connect.

You had the hookup.

Yeah.

All All right.

I did not write from your text.

Dude, that's you guys read the text.

We read the text, man.

I got it.

And you guys didn't respond to it?

You emphasized it.

I didn't write it.

We were going to see you shortly after.

Okay.

Can I sidebar with you, Tred?

Uh, yeah.

Okay.

What's up, Mac?

Why did you specifically not respond to the text?

I felt like I was just, you knew, I feel like you knew that I'm with you on that type of show.

Okay.

So I was trying to see, like,

for me it was a test to see how hungry gave was gonna hey tread yeah that's two

what for you two for what i walk over to mavericks maveris can i sidebar with you

yeah

why did you specifically not respond to that tag why does this feel like a trap this is two for you today because i found hey you know what this is three for you three for me dude this is three for you what did i get

dave can i sidebar with you dave is currently texting a meme to the group chat okay Dave, that's just one for you.

Part of it.

Part of it.

That's three for you, Matt.

Maybe that's four for you.

All right.

I'm going to go get the drugs.

Okay.

After crashing a bike and having all of this interpersonal drama, I'll say that you each have time to collect one item for your trail.

Okay.

All right.

All right.

Can I get two things if I take a level of exhaustion?

Yes.

Yeah, you absolutely can.

All right.

I've got an idea for a natural upper.

Okay, great.

I just tell everyone I've got it.

okay okay so what would everyone like to get um all right so i need to get um a tank top made of chain mail

and a leather cowboy hat with uh the ability to place feathers within it you go to like a vintage second-hand party plane store sick give me an investigation check okay great

Oh, that's going to be a 18.

Great.

You find a tank top made of chainmail, a cowboy hat, and with a good roll, you also find a pair of cowboy boots if they speak to you.

Whoa!

Wow.

I think these are made for my grandfather.

What about you, Tred?

What do you want to get?

I want to take my Tom DeLong custom Stratocaster, signature strat,

and I want to plug it into an amp backpack.

that I fashioned.

Whoa.

It is pretty cumbersome, but Blazing Babe is all about like living art installations.

Yeah, yeah.

And I am a walking one-man concert now.

Oh, I'm going to be doing flame displays for you.

You're going to be full Doof Warrior over there.

That is absolutely epic.

We will be in the deep desert, and I will be trying to start a party.

That sounds great.

Give me an arcana or a sleight of hand to fashion this backpack.

Okay.

So you can be a traveling minstrel in the desert.

What did you get?

I got an 11.

Okay, one strap works.

Okay.

Messenger bag it, dude.

All right.

Yeah, I'm just a messenger bag.

One shouldering it.

Yeah, dude.

That's got to hurt your shoulder.

It's kind of like a cool way to carry a backpack is one strap.

Yeah, it looks like you broke your clavicle.

You're kind of constantly spinning.

It's so heavy.

It definitely isn't not heavy.

You're just going to have to rotate shoulders.

It's no problem.

Right.

Okay.

Cool.

I love it.

I don't care.

Paint is art.

Maveris, what would you like to get?

Well, Maveris first has to get his costume for the trip.

He's worked on a couple of ideas.

What he's landed on is sort of the

the Batman kind of costume from the Snyder cut where he's in the desert

it's like you know like a desert kind of Batman outfit and it makes it it's like a lot of fake muscles

he was really susceptible to like Snyder cut

so this

shows up in the same so I can best guide you on this project is Mavericks trying to make this for himself or is he trying is he like going on eBay trying to bid?

I think he's on eBay, he doesn't have the skills.

He's like, Can't I get this rash delivered?

If that's the case, I'm gonna say, Give me a persuasion, check.

Okay,

25.

25.

You managed to talk this seller into expediting so that it is gonna come tonight.

This is amazing.

Thank you.

And I'm sorry I can't pay you more

for it.

Damn, dude, did you make that cost?

I did.

Are those your real pecs?

Yeah.

Yeah, yeah.

And was there a second thing that you wanted?

I guess I'll also help look for the natural uppers.

So you're going to take a level of exhaustion.

Yeah.

So I'm going to say you take a level of exhaustion from the eBay version.

Oh, wait.

Can I take a level of exhaustion too and try to get laughing gas from my dad?

Yeah, you guys can totally do that.

You'll be making ability checks, but I think exhaustion is a disadvantage on ability checks.

Yeah.

So do you want to go with Mac?

Yeah, I'll go with Mac.

Okay.

So Mac, what is your game plan?

Okay, so check this out, Maveris.

Technically, alcohol is a drug.

Okay.

And caffeine is a drug, right?

And it's natural.

So I'll do a caffeinated stout, like a coffee brew.

Whoa.

Mac?

Goat scat coffee brew.

Goat scat?

I mean,

it's a pretty sick name.

Hey, I feel like I've been like kind of ragging on you.

And this is mostly a good idea.

Fuck, this is mostly a sick idea.

It's is there anything to like a Pilsner, something a little lighter

in the desert

just stare at back.

Yeah, whatever.

That's great.

That's great.

Tread, you wanted to go try to get laughing gas?

Yeah, I want to sneak into my dad's office.

I know he's in the basement.

You want to sneak in?

Can I distract his dad?

How are you

going to distract your dentist?

All right.

Oh, I have an amazing idea.

I snap Dave's heirloom retainer.

What?

Don't.

Whoa, shoot!

Freaking dick, Tred.

Oh my God, you punched me.

You punched me like seven times.

Remember?

It was Mac.

What?

I missed.

Mac cannot punch that hard, dude.

Go see my dad and see if he can weld the shit back together.

All right, fine, all right.

Okay, so Hungry Dave, you head over to Tred's house right for the basement where you know Tred's dad is.

As you knock on the basement door looking for Dr.

Nevers, you see the handle is is glowing red hot and there is smoke coming out of it.

You know that he is getting in touch with something about himself.

And you see the handle turn and Dr.

Nevers opens the door.

Sweet-smelling smoke curls out and he says,

Oh, hey, Davanaxius.

Dr.

Nevers, first of all, allow me to apologize.

I come to you under dire circumstances.

And I hold up the retainer.

Oh, okay.

Wow.

Yeah.

No worries, kiddo.

Let me just get get out my dentist welding gear.

Sounds normal and thank you.

Yeah.

You know, why don't I take a hot sec and fix it up now?

Because I'm leaving in the morning.

You're leaving?

Okay.

Yeah.

Tonight would be great.

Do you mind if I watch?

Because I'm actually considering going to dental school.

Is this true?

Or do you want to roll a deception?

You're going to have to.

If you say it is true, you will have to commit to this as character bro.

Yeah.

I love teeth.

Great.

No detention.

It was really, it was really nice to watch you say your truth.

You follow Dred's dad down into his basement.

He welds together your retainer and this buys you time.

I'll say, now, even though you're exhausted, you can roll flat.

So give me a stealth check to break into your dad's office.

17.

Great.

You know the passcode because it's your birthday.

Wow.

I didn't think you knew it.

You go in.

After pausing for a second.

You pause and stare at your own birthday.

And then you go in and you enter your dad's dentist office.

You see, it's got a cheery receptionist area with before and after pictures of tieflings and dragonborns and braces.

Um, do you know your way around this dentist's office?

I've been here before, yeah.

I know he keeps the gas canisters.

Do you know where he keeps?

Okay, all right, give me an investigation check.

I'm gonna say this is probably gonna be with disadvantage because Hungry Dave bought you the stealth flat, okay, but you are exhausted.

I'm so fucking tired.

I could fall asleep in this cozy chair.

Whoa, wow, 215s.

Great.

That is a 21.

You find essentially a canister of laughing gas and a little nozzle to make it accessible.

Okay.

All right.

What's more natural than gas?

And you scurry off home.

Has everyone done everything that they wanted to do?

Yeah.

I've committed to my future and also I bought a hat.

Mac, is the mask too much?

Yeah, you should let me wear it.

I'm just wearing a Batman mask and a silvered bodysuit.

Y'all remember that time that we watched that movie one and a half times

in one night?

Most of it was sick.

So, you guys, basically, you've gathered all your goods.

No one has considered things like goggles, sunscreen, tents, sleeping bags, like all that terrible water.

There's probably a store there.

I remember from last year, there's definitely like a chip.

Yeah, Maverick's there.

There's a store?

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

We don't need water.

No, I really need to bring it up.

Yeah, Mavericks walks you guys through the main street of Blazing Babe and where you, there's a CVS, a Walgreen.

Yeah.

Friday, there's a bunch of stuff.

So

as long as there's a Wawa, I'm cool.

I was going to get a new toothbrush anyway.

Tread unpacks his toothbrush.

Matt throws his pillow out the window.

Good.

They have a pillow store.

That's amazing.

We're just going to upgrade all our gear.

That means we can travel light.

That's so sick.

I'm just going to have a sub.

as soon as we get there.

I'm just gonna buy a sub.

I brought six bottles of Pinot Grigio.

Oh, dude, that's freaking white wine, Dave.

You see, it's a clear bottle.

Oh, the bottle rusted.

That's why it's red.

Shit.

Why?

You don't.

Dave, can I sidebar with you?

Yeah.

You don't have to pretend to like wine for us to like you.

I just, I feel like I'm going to dental school.

I've got to like up my game, man.

How did these two things come?

Guys, did you know, Dave?

Gonna go to dentals?

Are you doing this to fuck with me?

No.

So you're going to have really red wine teeth and be a dentist?

That's what inspired me.

Are you going to be closer with Tred's dad than he is?

What are you trying to fucking pull, dude?

I'm just saying if he would like take me on as an apprentice, that'd be great.

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So all of you, Navris in a Batman uniform,

Mac in a Batman face mask, tread with a canister of laughing gas, and Hungry Dave dressed like a cowboy and newly devoted to becoming a dentist.

Cowboy dentist

goes to sleep for the night.

And then at the crack of dawn, you hear the

of an RV and Luella, a crick elf with a pink mohawk sort of slicked back, homemade nanner fly wings.

She's got a little raccoon curled up, sleeping in her lap, covered head to toe in body glitter.

She's full on, ready to blaze, shows up up in her Winnebago.

You're at the right place.

Luella.

Luella, what's going on?

Hey, y'all, Luella, get on in.

Let's go.

It's going to take

a while to get there.

So you guys get into this crazy Winnebago.

She takes off, and I would say it's probably about five hours drive.

Right, great.

So we can get pretty far on the Lincoln Lawyer audiobook I brought.

That's going to be a persuasion check for me because I'm not trying to listen to an audio book.

Did you bring headphones?

Like, you're listening to an audiobook and becoming a dentist.

Like, you're trying to

do that.

And I'm an elite, established person.

I am very cultured.

Dave,

what is your deal today?

Like, wine, audiobooks, and dentistry.

I don't.

You're fucking with me.

That's the power three of Dave's dad.

It just feels like you're trying to reinvent yourself for

not even reinvent, but like copy copy my dad.

Okay, so you guys bicker about this for probably the entirety of the ride.

Just because you didn't plug in the jack, Dave, doesn't mean we can't hear it playing out of your fucking phone.

Put headphones in.

I'm going to try to like sneak up to where Luella is and be like, hey, thanks so much for driving us all the way there.

Totally.

Do you have any questions?

Yeah, what happens at...

Can you tell me just like what an average weekend is like?

Yeah, it's like a transcendent experience.

The most important thing to know.

Piece of paper and a pencil.

She's driving so recklessly and while she talks to you, not looking at the road.

It is

impossible to take any notes.

Yeah, so the thing you need to know is that it's all about the vibes, right?

Okay, can you look at the road, please?

The magic.

Oh, yeah, sorry.

She swerves to get out of the way of it.

And in the back, in like the little non-operational kitchenette, just like drawers and cabinet.

Wow.

I was looking at

Try to get her back gets really serious and quiet and just holds hands with Dave and Trent.

I'm scared, Dave.

So Luella keeps talking to you.

Her little raccoon comes and sits in your lap.

Oh my god.

So it's like all about the vibes, right?

So like every year, this circle of wildfire druids picks out some piece of cursed land, hosts an all-night rager, cultivates only the best of vibes.

Then when the sun rises, they light this huge effigy of Malora on fire and relieve the land of its curse.

But the reason it's become such a hot spot is that the party is a magical experience in itself.

And those vibes are transformational.

So a lot of times people going there kind of bring their own personal intention because it's a chance to sort of mirror

the purification of the land in one's own self-growth.

Wow.

So a lot of of times people come with something that they're trying to manifest for their life, or sometimes they're just along for the ride and they're there to ride the vibes.

That is absolutely.

So it's crazy.

Anything you're into, if you're into, you know, fire eating or, you know, sound baths or cuddle caves, or it's really just like an artistic experience of radical inclusion.

And there's like a CVS for sure, right?

Absolutely not.

Oh, no, no, no.

It's like, well, it used to be a gifting economy, but too many people took advantage of that.

She kind of looks at you for a a second too long.

She says that.

So now it's kind of more of like...

So now it's kind of more of like a barter economy, right?

So it's like, you can't buy anything with money, but you get what you need for like the price of a poem

or, you know, a song or a ton of stuff.

And no one does the gifting stuff still.

That's done.

The gifting stuff is done.

She looks at you again, completely not paying attention as you guys are driving through a forest.

I mean, it's gifting,

but it's exchange.

It's all about like energy exchange, right?

Because there's not very good vibes in giving without getting a little something in return.

So I'm assuming that y'all brought like presents to give everyone, right?

Because that's kind of part of the

Navris.

I thought we were going to get like subs and shit.

I threw out my toothbrush.

You guys don't bring a pillow.

Can I group sidebar real quick?

Yeah.

Widebar, yeah.

Sounds like a

wide bar.

Wide bar.

Sounds like it's a different place this year it sounds like they've they changed it

yeah okay so there's not gonna be stores and such

like there usually is when you go yeah yeah

wait you've been to a blaze before which one'd you go to

a couple years ago when we started you've been to five right consecutive yeah i've been to five six years ago i went for the first time oh an og blazer that's our guy that was a crazy one right it was like on a volcano in the middle of the ocean you said there was sand there and there was a wawa there there is a wawa there that one well well like they they

it was like one with i have to take a shit

what we have to showering maveris goes in and uses the little toilet

that's for pissing maveris is just standing there that's for wood there's a raccoon in there man i checked

So as you guys are all going, let's just iron out just for the visual.

So you guys are basically, you're in this forest outside of the Aberrant Waste.

You're about to kind of like breach into that territory what's everyone wearing what's everyone thinking oh I mean as Dave gets changed in front of everyone

Dave

Maverick is still standing in the bathroom yeah

in the bathroom for two hours as the RV like swerves to miss a couple of trees the door of the bathroom keeps opening and showing Mavericks just standing there

keep it close keep it close dude are you crank oh we did say you could crank it in the bathroom.

Yeah,

I'm cranking it.

Yeah, that's what I'm doing.

He's just trying to get the Batman stuff off his suit.

He's just standing there.

He cranks it weird.

Sorcerers, you know.

Okay, so what is Davanaxius thinking?

Just, I just don't know how many more dry July's we're going to have together, you know?

So, like, let's really make this one count, right?

Yeah, before you go to dental school.

Yeah.

Yeah.

I guess I'm just feeling like this is probably the

most tension that's ever existed between us.

And I'm hoping that it's just like when we get there,

this tension releases a little bit.

And I know like not all my tension is going to release because this is a dry July for me.

And I'm trying the intention I'm bringing is a clear-headedness that comes with that dryness.

As you talk about this tension, actually, Luella once again completely takes her eyes off the road and she said, i'm sorry y'all are showing up with tension

you realize that this entire event is orchestrated to have good vibes right totally i think once we get there you can barter for like sandwiches or something you didn't bring any food or water how how what's the market for rusty pinot grigio

Rusty Pinot Grigio?

Yeah.

I mean, maybe a Warforge would like that.

Okay.

There's definitely a couple there.

All right, but it's a start.

Yeah.

First comes out of the bathroom.

We have some other stuff, too.

Sorry, guys, the bathroom doesn't work at all.

So you just cranked it.

What did you say?

I cranked it into the toilet and it clogged.

Holy shit.

Okay, actually.

I'm not fucking hoggest yet.

That's fucking ech.

That's epic.

If you clogged the toilet with chiz.

Yeah, yeah.

Well, what is your diet?

It is pretty epic.

Listen,

I also

look, we got to get our vibes right.

Yeah, yeah.

Guys, we're the bonfreres.

We're the bonfreres, and I just

like, I know we're trying to get the vibes up, but I just realized that we didn't invite Carl.

And he's going to be.

Mac, as you say this, it occurs to you to look at the group chat between all of you guys.

Oh, fuck.

Okay.

Wait, that can't be right, right?

I look at the group chat.

I mean, you've been looking at it.

Carl has left the group chat.

What?

Come on.

What the?

Scroll back, scroll back, scroll back.

Did he text?

Is there a text?

Does it show when he left?

Say

he hasn't contributed to the group text since last year.

No, no.

Has anyone not even a reaction?

You guys sent a reaction to me.

Has anyone hung out with

there was that one time

we went we went to the square and we all got yogurt, remember?

Right.

Was he there?

Was he there for that one?

Everyone was there that night, but I didn't see Carl there.

We had to have like partied.

Yeah, right.

Was he a Christine?

Did he talk to us?

Do you guys think?

Because, like, we always get into fights with each other and shit.

Yeah.

And, like, Carl doesn't.

All right.

Maybe the vibe is on.

Carl's solid.

He's so solid.

Like, we're not solid?

Like,

what?

I mean, like.

As you guys have this haunting revelation, Luella turns around once again, but this time with a bit more urgency.

Okay, y'all, I see the desert on the horizon blazing, babe.

Here we come, strapping, boys.

We're entering the danger zone in T-minus five, four,

three.

You got the stuff in there, two, one.

The tires skid as they leave the dirt and hit the sand.

Through the front window, you see the aberrant waste.

It's a near-barren expanse of sand and soot and radioactive heat waves that warp the setting sun.

You see worms burrowing in the distance, dunes peppered throughout like ski moguls.

You see a swarm of poisonous snakes overtaken by a swarm of scorpions and vultures just circling, waiting to dive into them.

Yeah.

What?

Why Why did you think there was a CVS here?

It was, I thought,

you know, I thought it was a different spot, but aren't you glad you brought that sand?

Dave is just holding a duffel bag full of sand.

Hey, that's all you brought us, Dan?

Wait a minute, wait a minute.

Dave puts the duffel bag of sand on Tred's other shoulder.

No, it's even.

That's not.

He's being crushed.

All you guys pass sand around in a desert, Luella turns around and says, all right, boys, you're up.

And she hits a button in her Winnebago, and the doors on either side

fold out.

Then

they Transformer style produce two gun turrets.

And Luella says, they should help us clear our path through the aberrant waste.

So I need one of each of y'all on a gun turret.

Wait, really?

Sounds like a Dave thing.

Y'all, one of each, like four gun turrets?

Or like...

I don't have time to debate with y'all.

Actually, the engine's going to start heating up.

So I'm actually going to also need someone to drive because I'm going to be back in the rear cooling down the engine.

All right, actually.

She summons a frosty cam trip, throws a brick on the gas, and

right here.

Oh, my God.

We're all

far.

I have been.

I have been.

I'm not like.

And I jump on a turret.

I'm going to, I'll drive because I'm kind of the leader.

Mac, I thought you read the entire email she sent, dude.

I dude, I read freaking most of it.

What on earth?

I said she had a long signature.

Okay, so who is on what?

You guys need two gunners and someone needs to drive.

So I'm trying.

Okay, I'll get on.

Marcus is on one.

Dave's on the other.

I can do, I'll do like radio.

So if like there's a song that anybody wants to hear, I can do a pop-punk cover of it.

Oh, wait, I thought you were gonna like put on the radio.

No?

Okay, so you guys are 500 feet from the Blazing Babe campground.

However, you do have to traverse this aberrant sand and ash desert with

quite a few creepy crawlers in it before you get there.

Mac, you're driving.

Dave and Mav, you're on the guns to shoot anything out of your way.

Everyone give me a perception check to get a vibe for what's going on.

This thing is all about vibes.

Good vibes now.

I can't believe Carl left the group text.

Oh, I have to do this as a disadvantage.

23.

No, no, no.

You're not exhausted anymore because you've had a sleep.

Okay.

5.

12.

23.

16.

So, Mav and Dave, you're sort of like perched out over these sort of like folded out doors.

The desert air and sand are blowing into your face.

I will say, Mav, you are blinded by the sand.

Ow!

Oh, God.

Fuck, that's awesome.

I have your Batman mask.

Can you...

Fuck.

I'm driving.

Sorry, get to me.

Tred, you're too busy hunched over trying to get your amp to work.

Yeah, I just realized it needs to be plugged into something, so it's not that helpful.

I thought you had like a battery or something.

No, I just like basically fashioned it into a backpack, and I thought I was going to be able to walk around with it, but it's not plugged into it.

I've got to get you some sort of wiry.

Yeah.

Yeah.

But

this got to be like a Home Depot, right?

Dave and Mac.

You see in the distance, you've got this like warped radioactive mirage of the blazing babe campground.

You are 500 feet away from it.

This RV goes 100 feet around.

Oh shit, we're almost there.

You're so close.

You've got the neon lights just enticing you.

It's a neon oasis.

You're about 500 feet away.

300 feet away, the burrowing worm changes its trajectory to come to your vehicle.

100 feet in front of you, you see two things.

You've got, that's when the dunes start, and you've also got these vultures who have also noticed you.

Look in a good way,

okay, guys.

There's vultures.

Um, shoot them.

Uh, I guess I'll go ahead and I got a bunch of little sand in my eyes,

Mavericks.

You good back there?

Crying, you crossed it, yeah, yeah.

So, basically, I'll also tell you, Mac, that this is an arcane vehicle, so it's Arcana checks to drive it.

Okay.

That's very good.

Fuck.

All right.

Actually, I have something I can kind of do if, Tred, if you want to hop in the driver's seat.

Uh, yeah, my dad's been letting me practice on the station wagon driving you.

So I'm down.

Tred, you're like 23, but yeah, but you know I'm afraid of the road.

Okay.

Okay.

Here's what I'm going to do.

I'm going to cast Spirit Guardians on myself

and just stand up near the top of the Winnebago so anyone within 15 feet of it.

You're making a cow catcher of

spirit guardians like around the outside of the car.

Okay, okay.

So you want to make spirit guardians around the outside of the car.

Great.

So then I guess tread.

These first hundred feet is pretty easy sailing.

Just like backing out of the garage.

Just driving forward.

Don't go backwards.

Dave flashes back to seeing the station wagon as he was talking to Dr.

Nevers and it is dinged hell.

Okay, give me an Arcana check to drive this car.

18.

18?

Okay, you know what?

With an 18, you like get into the seat of this RV.

You put your hands on the fuzzy wheel.

All of the hood ornaments are sort of like bobbing in sync with you.

You are feeling it.

And I will say with an 18, you drive in a way that you're able to give your gunners advantage on an attack.

Yes.

Whoa.

Yo, he's like freaking drifting across the fence.

Drift in the sands.

This is like Tokyo drift, dude.

Sick.

So you drive 100 feet and gunners, that is you.

Do you want to do anything?

Do you want to hold it?

You see that there are two vultures.

You see sand dunes.

You see this burrowing worm.

It was 300 feet away.

Now it's about 200 feet away.

I want to hold to shoot the worm.

I don't feel great about just smoking some vultures on this guy.

None of these animals have done anything yet.

It's like coming towards me, but do I blow away a bird?

I mean, that vulture's giving us a real mean look

The worm you are in range to shoot.

You don't have to hold.

Yeah.

If it's coming at us, I will shoot it.

Let's light this thing up, dude.

Let's lock and load.

Click, click, boom.

Oh, shit.

I'm going to put saliva on the radio.

I can sing saliva.

And because Tred drove so expertly, you have advantage on this.

Your gun turrets are plus six to hit, and if you hit, it's 5d6 plus 4.

Shit.

Here's one gun you're allowed to crank, dude.

Let's do it.

Hey, it's August somewhere.

I don't think that's August forever.

Does an 18 hit?

An 18 does hit.

Yes.

Thankfully at advantage because it was a gnat one and then a 17 on the dice so it's 23.

Okay.

Okay.

23 does hit.

So you guys both light up this huge burrow that is coming in your direction.

Roll your damage.

Amazing.

Oh, buddy.

Shit, you got to get it.

So Fred, you are just like driving along, getting your boys into perfect line of sight on this huge burrowing worm.

Late breaking, smooth corners.

Did you roll all sixes?

I rolled four sixes in one.

Whoa.

Holy shit.

That was 25 on the dive.

So 29 damage.

Wow, that's maybe the best roll I've ever had.

Mav, you get behind this and you are Batman.

Batman doesn't use guns, but this Batman does.

Let's blaze.

That's what I love about Snyder's Batman.

He'll use a gun.

Yeah.

Snyder gun.

That's going to be 22 damage for me as well.

22 damage.

Woo!

Off to a good start.

Yeah, I swifled back to say, great shot, but I am pointing my gun at that.

Gun etiquette, gun etiquette.

Whoa.

Okay, so as you guys unleash into this burrowing worm, gunners, give me a deck safe because inside the RV, all the drawers in the kitchenette have flung out and utensils are flying everywhere.

Oh, it's all knives.

No spoons.

A lot of knives.

Maverse rolls nine.

Oh, that's a 10 for Dave.

Okay, you both fail and take 13 damage.

KD.

Oh, why do you need so many shrimp prongs?

Mac looks at Tre deadly serious and goes, if they fall out and you stop for them, it means you like them more than me.

And that would be three.

I know, Matt, two.

Wow, that is true because when you fell from the bike, you were like

identical situations.

I'm just staring at that trail.

Now, before you guys get to keep going, the vultures descend on the gunners.

No.

Can the spirit guardians hit them?

What is the range of spirit guardians?

15 feet.

15 feet?

Yeah.

Around myself.

I think I'm kind of like

hanging near the window.

I think I've got the window rolled up, but I'm hanging near it.

And I think, unfortunately, my spirit guardians are the Budweiser frogs.

Okay.

The ghost of them.

If you want to do this, Mac, I think it means that you're going to have to get on top of the RV, which means you're going to have to hang on for dear life sometimes.

Okay.

Tread?

Yeah.

If I fall off,

you stop.

If they fall off, straight.

Keep going because you guys owe me one.

Okay.

Can you hear them, Beverse?

Sounds like they're getting along, dude.

You would have just been ditched and they would die.

Well, we don't, we don't know that 100%.

So, Mag, you heroically climb out the window and get on the top of the car as these vultures come down.

What is Spirit Guardian?

Uh, wisdom saving throw.

Okay, yeah,

but why

have a plus two?

I know Dave loves it.

One rolls a nat one,

the other rolls a 15.

15 passes.

Uh, one who saves takes half.

Other one takes full 12 damage.

Okay.

They're dead, right?

Get back in the car.

Me and the frogs got this.

Mag

your Budweiser frogs nip at these vultures.

Nip harder.

They recoil, but go after the gunners because they're frogs and brutes.

They're ghost frogs.

So, Hungry Day.

Yeah.

First one's going to beak you.

Does an 18 hit?

An 18 does hit.

It hits my shoulder, which is not covered in armor now.

Pierces you for seven.

Shoulder the cloak of displacement.

Coming at you, Hungry Day, still with the talons.

13, I'm guessing, misses.

Misses.

Okay.

Maverick, what does the cloak of displacement mean?

So that means they swing with disadvantage until they hit me.

Yeah.

Okay.

Don't fall off.

15 hit.

15 does hit me.

No, really?

Try to hit me.

Dodge this.

He hits you for seven piercing damage.

And then 15 again.

That'll hit.

He hits you for another eight damage.

Just yelling out through the sandstorm.

Are you guys like hurt?

I'm really fucking hurt.

You really hurt?

All right.

My costume.

Okay, as protective as I thought it would be.

Fuck, fine.

Tread, if he falls off, we can stop for him, but I'm still mad at everyone.

Yelling at the vultures.

I trusted you.

Tred, you are now 400 feet away from the destination of Blazing Babe.

It's so close.

You can feel the glow sticks in your grip.

In front of you is a huge sand dune.

Oh, fuck.

How do you want to approach this?

Trev?

Yeah, well, my dad, my dad taught me in the Volvo that it's not good to stop short and it's not good to swerve.

You You have to just go straight through.

No stopping short.

You got this trick.

Okay, so you're going to jump.

We're jump.

You're taking the jump.

Okay.

Give me an Arcana check.

Gladly.

Punch it.

That is an eight.

Eight.

You soar 60 feet into the air and then crash for 66 falling damage.

Not you, the car.

The RV.

All right.

Am I okay?

I'm on top.

That's a good point, Mac.

I'm going to need you to give me a deck save to not fall.

Frogs, go to him.

Okay, wait, can I can I do a can I give myself a bonus action?

Oh, yeah, this is normal action economy.

You guys can do everything.

Okay, so yeah, I'd like as a bonus action to release my hands off the steering wheel for just one second,

strum on my Tom DeLong strat and sing,

getting hot in here, I feel your perspiration but listen to my song for some inspiration

yes dude and that that's gonna be everyone has a um a bardic inspiration on their next

round okay i'm gonna use a bonus action as well to uh quicken spell and cast uh chaos bolt at one of the one of the vultures oh yeah yeah that's great okay so also just once you get to blazing babe things will be good but right now you are in this kind of cursed earth with lingering, aberrant energies.

So actually, both of you who cast a spell, roll me a D20 and just let me know if you hit a 1 or a 20.

14, so I'm at in.

19.

Okay, nothing happens.

Great.

Great.

Tred, don't like destroy the birds because I think we can use them for bartering later.

I could cook, I could put together sort of a broth and then make like a risotto.

I don't want to eat vulture risotto.

Tred?

Wait, what?

We don't.

There's no wahwah.

Okay.

We have to eat what the earth gives us.

The vibes we're looking for.

I'm so sorry, Mac.

I threw out your risotto to make room for more sand.

Guys, hold me back.

I can't.

I have to do it.

What did your chaos bolt do to?

Yeah, it's a plus-nine to hit.

So I will.

It's 11.

I think you miss.

I'm real hurt and I'm having a bad time.

Sorry.

Okay,

so another thing that we have to resolve.

I didn't know this was all going to come up so soon.

Your

RV, as you jump 60 feet into the air and then land for 66 damage, you took 22 damage, which the threshold is 20 for a mishap.

So I need one of you to roll me a D6 to find out what sort of mishap could happen to this RV.

Trey, you're the driver.

I'll do it.

It's my responsibility.

That's what your dad always says.

It's a two.

Your speed is halved.

So you land and now you guys are only going at 50.

Can we fix it?

Luella!

I can.

One time I was riding my bike past Tred's house and I saw Tred's dad working on the station wagon and I asked him what he was doing and he actually taught me quite a bit about fixing cars.

Can you kind of like back off from Tred's dad?

Why did he teach you about fixing cars?

cars?

I just asked him a question, he was just super helpful.

Your dad's real awesome, dude.

Yeah,

I don't know how I feel about everyone else like encroaching on him, but like, yeah, he's really cool.

It's a little time to work on the car because he had to work.

I'll say, Mag, if you want to crawl to the back of the car and like put a spell slot into it, you can get it back up too.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

I think on my turn, I will just crawl around, just covered in dust and dirt from being on the top, just swivel into like the engine.

What are you doing, man?

Get in the car.

I don't know.

My dad, my dad taught you that.

Gret's dad rules.

So now

so fast.

You've taken this jump.

Gunners, what do you want to do?

You have these two vultures.

You have this worm.

The worm is now closing in on you and it will attack you.

Okay.

So Maveris, you're looking hurt.

My boy's looking hurt.

You're looking awesome.

All right, great.

Can I bonus action healing word if I put a spell slot into the truck of that?

Yeah, because I'm going to say the spell slot is like a neutral action.

All right, I'll do second level healing word on Maveris.

Thank you.

Hey, it's only what Tred's dad would have done.

Why is everyone getting close to my father?

It's Dr.

Never's behavior.

So one of your Budweiser frogs lands on Maveris's shoulder.

Oh, it's wet.

Nice.

And then I actually rolled two fours.

So that's going to be 13.

Whoa, that's great.

Great.

Gunners, what do you want to do?

You have these two vultures.

You've got this worm that's about to close in.

Okay, great.

So I'm going to action surge.

I'm going to fire up my breath weapon, and I'm going to blast it at the vultures to try and get them to steer clear of my boy.

Okay.

And then as this blaze of frosty energy is exploding into the sky, I'm going to swivel around and just unload lead into the worm.

And if you'd allow me, I would like to use a arcane arrow ability on the virtue.

Hell yeah.

Okay.

So let me do the breath weapon first.

So it's a 15-foot cone.

So if both the vultures are near Mavericks, they're both going to need to make a

one is on the left, one is on the right.

However, if you're cool to scorch up the RV a bit, you can hit both.

Okay.

The car's already fucked, right, guys?

I'm actively fixing it.

So like the car's like a lost cause, right?

Car spots.

What are you guys saying back there?

The car is like basically gone the way of the bike.

Their car.

Because if people are dancing and like up in the air,

we need to flee.

We need it to work so we can flee.

Hey, hey, Hungry Dave?

Smoke him if you got.

Matt Mac is on a moving car on the hood with it, Bob Topen.

Let's fucking crank it, bro.

Not till August.

Okay, so it's going to be a DC 14 deck save for the birds.

10 fails.

Nat one fails.

Both fail.

All right, so that's going to be 2d10 for each of them.

One second.

that is going to be 18 damage oh hungry dude you smoke one of the birds catch it catch it

catch the bird catch the bird decks check to try to catch a vulture out of my yeah you got it my risotto dude i can make a vulture broth great so now it's not even

rice 13 i'm gonna say this is a huge bird you can absolutely grab something from this bird just like a wing i think you grab like a little foot

A vulture foot.

Oh, a charm.

Oh, nasty.

Okay, toss it because we're not going to be able to eat anything.

Don't toss it.

That's crap.

Tread, catch.

Dude!

Dude, you can use that for arts and crafts.

You can make like a charm.

But unfortunately, your vehicle also takes 18, but that does not trigger the mishap.

All right.

I'm thinking, Dave, if you were thinking.

Okay.

My teeth are cold now.

Now you're action surging to do two attacks.

Yeah, and I'm going to blast on the worm.

Yeah.

That's just an 11.

11 plus 6?

No, just an 11.

It's 5 plus 6.

No!

I mean, you smoked one of these vultures, so you're good.

I'm going to do another machine gun shot at the

worm and then bonus action vulture attack.

Great, great.

Great, great, great.

That's 16.

Okay, so you missed the worm.

It's still barreling at you.

It's like, at this point, it's emerging from the sand where it was burrowing.

Huge teeth ready to sink into your vehicle.

Mac, our guns.

Our guns are broken, Mac.

You got to face it.

My dad, I'm on the engine right now.

Dred, watch out.

The worm's coming up.

Your dad said if you slam on the brakes too hard, it's going to wear out the pads.

Why is he talking to you about the car?

I just asked him about the car.

Why are you asking him about the car?

Have you tried to dog your shit?

Just ask your dad about the car.

I asked my dad questions.

We like to come around the house.

Do you do with an attitude?

No, I don't do it with an attitude.

You have kind of an attitude.

How do I have an attitude?

Guys, we got to get the vibes up and we got to do this for Trent's dad.

Why for my dad?

And say 17 hit the bird with.

Yeah, yeah.

So the first, this will be

as we're driving.

I just text my dad and say, hey.

You get one of those auto responses that someone's like, this person is driving right now.

Fuck, I should put that on too.

13 cold damage from a chaos bowl.

Okay, so now you freeze this other vulture.

Grab it.

It's a cold vulture.

We're going to make it off.

He's just remembering the foot that came off into his hand.

And just pretends to grab it.

Did you fake it?

I rolled an 18 on the die for a deception check to let it go.

Oh fuck, I missed it.

I'll say Mac backboy, you might be able to try and grab the frozen vulture.

Grab it, Mac.

Okay, I actually did pretty good.

Athletics 18.

Great.

You grab the vulture and you get a frozen head.

Oh, don't make a pothole to have it bounce out.

Yeah, that's it.

Give me an Arcana check.

Dirty 20.

Dirty 20?

Okay, yeah, you hit that pothole.

You're trying to hit a pothole.

Now,

as you hit the pothole, the bathroom door swings open and all of the septic fluid flies out.

Everyone, give me a con save to not be poisoned.

That's Tread.

Tread!

Intentionally hits a pot.

Guys, guys, do not drink this even as a joke.

Trust me on this.

I think everybody could have used a bardic on their last bowl.

I got a 24, and I think it just means that I stood in the bathroom so long that I got used to the smell.

Does Mac have to make it if he's up by the end?

No, you don't.

No, you don't.

Tred got a four.

Okay.

Dave got a 12.

Dave got a 12.

Do you want to use your bardic, though?

Ooh,

I said I got a 12 plus six.

18.

Okay, Dave, you pass.

Tred, you are poisoned for a round.

Of course.

My dad told me not to inhale shit, at least.

As you expertly hit that pothole.

Neil did.

You hit the pothole.

We're like going downhill.

The septic fluid just rolls down past everybody and then splashes up on you.

Let's go.

I run the windshield wipers, but they're outside the car.

Tread got slimed.

that slime dude this is absolutely fucked now the worm is going to take two attacks its speed is slower than yours but it's going to try to grapple and like hang on so it can be doing like tail attacks at you

shout out to the true crew for the first one but it does have another attack oh

that is oh yeah that's absolutely gonna hit okay so the worm is unable to do any damage but it clings on to the rv

get off our car.

Get off.

Now that is back around to

the vultures, they are totally gone.

That is back around to you, Tread.

All right, so I wasted my good driving on hitting a pothole and getting covered in fecal matter.

Oh, yeah, you're poisoned now.

So do any ability check to sit down.

Damn it.

Oh my god.

I crit a net 20 and a dirty 20.

Whoa.

Oh,

okay.

You breathe in the septic fumes and are stronger than ever.

Why is this good for me?

You, did you just.

You took in a big sniff and then you smiled.

I know.

Uh-uh.

Dread, I'm so proud of you.

Do I like shit?

And now the gunners will have advantage on their attacks.

Nice

role.

Luella, what's up with your shit?

What?

I mean, anything that's in there is what y'all put in there this morning.

Oh, man.

It's...

Forgot that it's not shit.

All right.

Modify memory.

Who's got it?

Who's got the spell?

So, gunners,

you are shooting with advantage with your guns because of Tred's expert driving, despite

I'm going to unload on the worm.

We're offloading in the mud now.

I'm gonna, it's a d8, is the bardic?

That's right.

All right.

14 doesn't hit, does it?

No, it doesn't hit.

Okay.

Despite all that.

The smell is really strong.

Woo!

Is it okay if I crit on this one?

Yeah, dude.

Absolutely.

It would be 10d6.

It'd be six.

Wow.

All right, dude.

That's a shout out to the two crew, but it is going to be a dirty 24.

That hits.

Yeah.

Damn it.

Okay, great.

So this is going to be 5d6.

5d6 plus 4, yeah.

Okay.

Ooh.

20 damage.

20 damage.

Okay, it's a 25 damage to get him to release his grip on the vehicle so he hangs on.

Oh, wait.

Can I use...

I didn't use my bursting arrow last time.

Can I use it this time?

Hell yeah.

Hell yeah.

All right.

So that's going to be.

Yeah, that's going to be an extra 2d6 force damage.

Woo!

That might get him to release his hold.

I visualize the worm as a basket full of frisbee discs.

Each of my bullets just blasting this beautiful basket, just scoring point after point for Hungry Dave.

Let's see.

Hey, Tread, I was looking over at Dave and I saw him mouthing basket to himself.

Do you know what that's about?

I rolled two ones.

You rolled two ones?

That is two damage.

Oh, so you still didn't.

I mean, it's still more damage, but you do not get him to release his grip.

Does anyone else have anything they want to do?

Yeah, I'm going to go ahead and cast Bane on, as with my batman mask i'm gonna cast bane on the worm um up to three creatures of your choice that you can see oh make a charisma saving throw first off okay to charisma he has plus zero

15 god damn it yeah

he passes

okay man no

okay so now he's going to try to do a tail attack at the rv He gets an at one.

So that's that.

Yeah, it stinks in here, dude.

Get away.

Using one of his attacks to keep grappling the RV.

That is back around to

tread.

Am I still poisoned?

Yeah.

Okay.

You are 200 feet away.

Mac, actually, give me a deck save because you might fall off.

You've been outside of the RV this entire time.

15?

You're hanging on.

What level spell did you put in to get the speed back up?

I did it at one, but if I have to do it at higher, I can do that.

You need two to get it back up.

I'll do a two then.

Okay, so it's back up at full speed.

Tread, what would you like to do?

I'm going to crack a window just to try to get some of the smell out of the chair.

And I'll just keep on driving, I guess.

Okay.

That's a 16 and shout out to the two crew.

Shout out to the two crew.

What does that become?

It becomes a six.

Okay, your gunners have disadvantage on their attacks.

Oh, sorry, guys.

I'm covering Naverse's shit or come.

And it's kind of making me a worse driver.

Don't say it out loud, man.

Say it like I had any idea this would happen.

Shout out to the number two crew.

I'm going to say it to you guys that you are so close.

However, I don't know if you want to roll up and bring this worm into the Blazing Babe campground.

Can we just keep the brake down and just let the RV ride off into the sunset?

I'm just gonna be our second vehicle abandoned.

We can't use the I mean, it's covered in shit.

It's covered in shit.

It's pretty broken.

Yeah.

The guns are fucked up.

We abandoned the RV.

The RV is where you are supposed to be.

We don't have a place to sleep.

Trey hit a freaking bottle.

I'm going to bonus action,

quicken spell, and do Scorching Ray on the worm.

Okay.

Try to get it off.

I'm gonna hype him up.

Oh, you fucked up.

You fucked up.

My guy's gonna do his ray now.

22 on the first one to hit.

Hits.

24 on the second one.

Hits.

11 on the third one.

Misses.

Okay.

First ray.

On my first scorching ray, I did five damage.

I'm using my elemental affinity to add five to that.

Yeah, so that's 10.

So that was 10 on that first ray.

Because it's five plus five.

Okay, five plus five.

So it's ten.

And then second ray,

eight.

So 18 points of damage.

Can you do anything to?

Okay, yeah, no.

I mean, that's good.

The number to get the worm to release its grip is 25.

So is there anything else you guys want to do to get there?

Can I make a spell attack?

Yeah.

Okay.

Go for it.

All right.

Windows cracked.

I'm going to

target the worm.

Yeah.

And I'm going to say, listen up, motherfucker.

Here's the sitch.

You're about to get hit by a bolt from a witch.

And I'm going to cast witch bolts.

Okay.

The worm took 18 points of damage.

If you can hit 25 damage, then he will release his grip on the RV.

Yes.

Oh, shit.

Come on.

Can we say that Matt got back inside?

No, in fact, give me a dexterity sick.

What?

For what?

We didn't hit anything.

We didn't get in here, man.

We didn't hit anything.

15.

Yeah.

Okay, you're fine.

You keep hanging on.

Okay.

You gotta get inside, dude.

What are you doing out there, man?

It's just that it's once you commit to being outside, it's hard to move out here.

That's a 26 to hit.

That hit

3d 12.

Wow.

Good rolls.

Wow.

Yeah.

31 damage.

That's a bull from a witch.

Oh, wow.

Okay, you guys.

So you guys see Tred abandons driving, leans out the window,

narrowly missing Max, hangs onto the side, onto a little ladder, shoots a witch bolt.

This worm recoils, loses its grip, and your RV

slides into the campground at Blazing.

Dr.

Nevers said to keep the hands at 10 and 2, but that was just around the cul-de-sac.

It wasn't when like a worm.

Your dad makes you call him dr nevers

uh what do you call your dad

call him dad dread that was daddy some absolutely sick i should say dude i think you're ready for your permit

you could drive like with another adult in the car that's not your dad all right yeah we drive with you dude yeah you can hang out with my dad too if you want i don't want dad's the way i don't want to hang out with your dad and you guys want to hang out with mine so You guys,

you arrive kicking up sand, which like creates a crazy mist.

You guys look so badass arriving.

The sun is setting over the desert.

It's bleeding purples and reds into the sky.

The night is brewing.

In front of you, you see the crater that was left by this astral impact.

And inside of it is a huge fucking party.

Dude, can we barter someone for a shower?

You actually can.

People from all over Bahumia are setting up richly fabriced, colorful tents and camper vans at the heart of the Blazing Babe Festival.

The campground is circular.

It almost looks like a sundial with a huge effigy of Malora in the middle, made of twigs and some kind of plant growth spell.

Wildfire druids are juggling and eating fire.

Warforged are blowing little glass trinkets at the forge.

A gnome with goggles and a bandana plays with flaming devil sticks.

Everyone is dressed to the nines.

You guys in all your costumes.

What are you wearing?

A silver bodysuit and a bathing mask.

Great.

What about you, Tred?

Black denim jeans.

Okay, you don't fit in.

What are you wearing?

Sort of a Snyder-cut Batman costume without all the Batman stuff on it.

What's left?

It's sort of just like a gray suit.

A gray suit with like a brown duster.

What about you, Hunger Dave?

Dave's got his leather cowboy hat.

He did snag a feather from the vulture to put into it.

Oh, that's sick.

That's actually really sick.

Dave looks really good.

So all of you except for Trent.

He's wearing jeans and an amp.

Totally fit in because everyone is like dressed to the nines in like glittering body suits, tasseled top hats, capes, fishnets, feather boas, booty shorts.

There's a large kinetic sculpture of a dragon that's like roaring fire.

There's glass tubes of nanor flies that hum and glow, spelling out vibey messages like be here and like get lost to find yourself.

Hi, we're looking for a Dwayne Reed.

And you know what?

As you all arrive, everyone give me a perception check.

All right.

Okay, I don't see a Dwayne Reed.

Yeah, if you're, so you're all looking for a Dwayne Reed, I'm a streaming.

Wow, that's a 19 on the die per settle for a writer.

24.

17.

17.

Eight.

Eight.

Scunners.

Gunners.

So the gunners just still have like tons of sand in their eyes because they did not read the Blazing Bay memo and they don't have goxes.

They're all pinograms.

Get it out of my eyes.

No, come on.

It's mostly rust.

But the driver and Mac, who's been surfing this RV the entire time.

He's working on this engine.

You both kind of behold this whole experience.

There's like strobing fungus on the floor.

Mac starts doing that dance where it's like you have an invisible orb in your hands.

Pass it to me.

Pass it to Tread.

It passes to Tread.

Tread does it around the back.

Yeah.

Toss it this way.

Throws it to Mac.

Don't throw it to me.

I'll drop it.

Maveris still has sand in his eyes and he somehow fumbles.

Dude, he's dropped the invisible orb.

Can't find it.

Where is it?

Tabe steps on it.

I'm going to say, Mac, you with a 17, you see something.

You see a group of dryads wearing camel backs that are full of something called Triss's hard seltzer.

What?

The Fae Seltzer sensation that has been sweeping Bahumia.

Oh my God, this is so corporate.

This is so fucking corporate.

I could go for a fucking selfie.

I started yelling.

Corporations go.

The vibes are off.

Your vibes are off.

I tackle Mac.

You're the one yelling at everybody.

And Tread with a 24.

You see a man.

Human man.

Glasses,

a mustache, an ill-fitting t-shirt that says, better late than Never's, which you know to be the name of your dad's midlife crisis.

It's never too late to learn magic club.

Dr.

Nevers?

It's your dad.

Why is my dad here?

He's here

with a bunch of other sort of middle-aged people who are getting in touch with magic late in their life.

No.

Dave waves.

It's corporations and dads at Blinks and Game.

Okay, this place has jumped the fucking shark.

Now you're on my side.

Just because your fucking cool ass dad's here?

Is that cool?

Maverse, was it better when you came last time?

Yeah!

That's pretty much better.

It is sick.

Emerging from the smoking RV is Luella, and she's like, whoo, that was a ride.

Y'all did a good job.

I kept the engine cold like I said I would.

Now, there's a little subject of payment

right i know we liaised on crick's list that y'all would be paying me in drugs so i'm ready to get up so hand them over okay i think you're gonna love what we got yeah so caffeine is a drug and beer is a drug if someone asks you for drugs And you give them a beer.

Okay, but it's like a controlled substance.

Let's sidebar it real fast.

Here we go.

She's going to fucking wind up

okay i also have i took laughing gas for my dad

incredible that's awesome okay dude but your dad's here what if he sees people with laughing gas and then sees you that's all right we'll distract tread's dad and he can give the laughing gas to a what are you gonna do to distract well you don't talk how about you don't talk to my dad you can't tell me not to talk to your dad he's distracted enough i'll talk to your fucking dad if i want to while you guys argue luella says you know what?

Why don't y'all just make sure to get me some real drugs and then you can use my RV?

And she clicks a little button and the RV locks.

And she walks into Blazing Babe, and that's where we'll end.

All right.

You guys have arrived to Blazing Babe without anything you need and now without shelter.

Also, Tred's dad.

No food, no water.

We did not know that.

No sundown.

You didn't tell us we were going to need food.

We had no idea that Tred's dad was going to be important, and we talked about him so much.

So great.

Yeah, now we can go over and see if he'll shelter us.

I was really like, I guess I wish I just had more time with Tred's dad

to develop a relationship.

I was feeling a little jealous.

We're going to have to get on there next time.

I'm really excited to get into it with Tred's dad.

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