Surprise Round! - Blue Yoda

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This is a head gum podcast.

Welcome to Surprise Round, everybody.

Whoa!

Surely you all knew that was coming.

Surely you all knew that was coming.

Get out of here!

Emily's acting is too real.

It's too good.

She's scared of you.

Yeah.

Leave, dude.

I'm out.

You betrayed my trust.

Get out.

In fact, I am kind of out because fun announcement.

Coldwall Tanner has written a bunch of submissions this week.

So I'll throw it to you as sort of the surprise round master.

Dumb.

Guess what?

Guess what?

Surprise.

No!

There you go.

Wait a second.

I can't do this last-minute change like this.

Oh, my God.

That's all right.

I provided thunder shirts for everybody.

So you just put those on and they're going to calm you down a little bit.

This is like a nice weighted vest that dogs wear when there's lightning outside.

Really?

Yeah, just put that on.

You're going to feel really good.

I sleep under one of those.

Oh, yeah, like on a weighted blanket?

Yeah.

It's like a weighted blanket you can wear anywhere.

Cool.

So that's going to be in our shop later today.

Yes.

Thank you, all of my rowdy rounders, for joining me here.

I'm your discussion master, Caldwell Tanner.

How would everybody like to hear a scenario?

Please, let's go.

First one.

I'm not even like qualitatively how.

Like loud, quiet, forceful.

Right.

Let's go even-tone.

Okay, great tone.

Perfect.

Yeah.

You and a guest are invited to the red carpet premiere of the Minecraft movie.

Whoa, I love the music.

I say no.

I love the music.

All right, just don't get me on it.

You've gone.

You've never played the game, but your young uncle Binton is a super fan.

So you decide to check it out.

Plus, you think it'd be cool to attend a Hollywood party and maybe get a chance to meet some celebrities.

Whoa, that could be really cool.

After the show, I go meet the person who does the music for Minecraft.

Yeah, okay.

Yeah, that music does rock.

They're probably hanging out there.

Yeah, that like ambient vibey track.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

They actually got a puddle of mud to do the soundtrack for the movie.

Is that true?

No, evidence.

She fucking hates me.

La la la la.

Yes, dude.

After the show, Binton runs off to get pictures with a cast.

You decide to hang back at the bar and enjoy some free drinks.

After a while, a large figure leans next to you and orders a green apple Midori sour, which happens to be the exact same thing you're drinking.

Wow.

Wow.

You look over and see that it's Jason Momoa.

He nods at your drink and smiles.

You laugh and reach out to shake his hand, but as you do, he leans in thinking you want a photo.

Your fingers brush his nose and he violently recoils, dropping his drink and screaming loudly that he's been injured.

Across the room, you see people, including your uncle, all looking up in shock.

Jason is now covering his tear-stained face with a massive hand and screaming about how much it hurts.

Okay.

With a jittery voice, he says, it's broken.

It's definitely broken.

And this guy seriously jacked up my face.

Despite his complaints, though, you don't see any blood or bruising, and you are 90% sure he's faking.

Your young uncle looks up at you and gives you a what's going on expression as Jason Momoa grabs your phone off the counter and demands you record an apology video and post it online right now.

You have full bars.

I'm definitely calling him out.

I'm definitely like, my finger grazed your nose, dude.

Show us your nose if I really hurt you so much.

he won't show you his nose he's just clutching it tighter and tighter i i think i'm confused by this jason mamoa outburst and i think i'm just saying to everyone wait wait what what i think that's the first 10 minutes is me constantly saying what me yeah me what i mean it's getting out one way or the other everyone's got their phones out like jason's freaking out you're not you're not getting painted in a good light thus far i feel like i have to honor his big reaction i have to be like i understand that you got really freaked out and i think I do that in a way that lets me glaze over, like just gloss past this apology video.

Like I can grab my phone from him and almost look like I'm going to record the video.

I'm like, oh, yeah, yeah.

And then I just grab my phone, I put it in my pocket.

I'm so sorry.

I'm so sorry.

I didn't, I didn't even think I touched you, dude.

I let him explain to other people what happened.

But I'm shielding my phone from the apology video.

That's what I want to, you know, to leave the public discussion.

I feel like everyone around you, like the bartender, probably some of the other cast members are going to be like, he's just asking you to record a video.

It's not that big a deal, man.

I think at that point, I'm like, okay, you're all acting insane.

Yes.

Yeah, yeah.

I'm out.

This is a frank.

I think you're all joking.

I'm like, there are literally people actively taking pictures of us right now.

Just show me the picture of me punching Jason Maloma.

And I'll record an apology.

Just anyone out here.

Yeah.

You know, there is, that's true.

There is a Getty Images watermarked picture.

I'm like,

let's check the Getty images.

Let's check the Getty.

All right, yeah, that's a good point.

There is a Getty you can reference, but I feel like Jason is probably so inconsolable.

He's not going to let you check the Getty.

I'm God.

I don't know if it would be a bad thing for my social media presence to record a video apologizing to Jason Momoa with him crying in the background.

That might be okay.

I'm so strong that

I'm not broken Idaho.

Hey, everybody.

I'm so fucking sorry, but I guess I hurt Jason.

It was a total mistake.

I didn't know my own strength.

The crazy thing was, I wasn't even trying.

Yeah.

I just am that strong.

He had an eyelash on his cheek, and I just touched it so gently, but I'm just that jacked.

You think you could spin this?

I guess I'm the new Duncan Idaho.

I think it's more of like an apology for being as strong as I am.

Yeah.

Interesting.

I think I record the video.

I feel like just there's like so many eyes on me.

I like probably, you know, I'm a clumsy motherfucker.

So like there's a slight chance that I could have actually.

But you did actually poke him in the eye.

Yeah, I heard I poked him in the eye or like maybe he's got like an exposed nerve or something.

I would believe that if he said you poked me in the eye.

Yeah.

Yeah.

I would still just be like, I'm sorry, but this is a lot.

This is a lot.

I'd be going into a red carpet event already so uncomfortable that as soon as there was any kind of scene, I'd be like, Jason Mamoa, keep my phone.

I'd mutter sorry, look down at the ground and leave.

I'd just walk home.

Jack Black's just shaking his head at you as you leave.

That's fine.

I might even kind of be like, hey, Momoa, do you think this is good for your career?

Because I don't think you want to be thought of this way.

It's kind of in contrast to how cool you are in lots of movies.

This isn't what Aquaman would do.

Here's some free advice.

Do you think that this is, there's like a 1%, 10% chance, maybe even that this is like a PR stunt that he's trying to pull to show the sensitive side of mamoa to show like a new side of mamoa and he's just like committed too hard yeah it could be interesting could be well i think we've all got our answers in for this one right yeah

i'm running home i'm diving into the video i'm gone i'm trying to heavily involve myself in momoa's life this one i'm definitely just like cool i really think this is a prank yeah that's definitely the second other people start also being like just record the video i'm like this is a prank yeah breaking you're breaking that's so true yeah if it's just him doing and especially it's at a red carpet event.

Yeah.

Literally like this is exactly this is so reminiscent of when Triple H was on punked.

Okay, okay.

So then you all remember that classic episode where Triple H opened a door and someone pretended to break their nose on the other side.

And then they kept just saying that he was like a reckless wrestler who was violent.

And he was just very calmly being like, I'm sorry.

Let's figure this out.

And it was very.

The same thing happened with like Stone Cold, I remember.

Like Stone cold just looked awesome on his episode of punked that's oh that makes so much sense this yeah let me tell you something

i'm really sorry stone cold like stood up for a valet or something oh yes i do remember that yes it was like yes the person was like chewing out the valet of his car how dare you talk to him like that

you stomp a mud hole in your ass

there's always a chance that punked is coming back this may be punct and i'm always as soon as yeah, I actually take back all of my answers and I literally am just like, I'm on punked, right?

You guys have to try harder than this.

It's too obvious.

I think there's also like a version where I pivot and I see the cameras.

I see the attention and like the child in me that wanted it hops up on the bar and just starts posing.

Wow.

Oh, yeah.

You think you just like lean in wrestling style.

And

you cut a promo right then and there.

Yeah.

And I'm like, yeah, that's right.

I'm in the bitch that focused on the ball.

I dunked on Duncan.

I dunked on Duncan.

And I'm coming for everybody else.

I'm coming for Batman.

I'm coming for Harvey Quinn.

I'm coming for Duncan.

If you're a superhero, you're about to be a super zero.

Let me tell you something, Jason.

As I do that, we wanna in the ocean right now.

That's the answer right there.

That's how you have to spin it.

Yeah.

Great.

Jake, do you have any fan simmered ones?

Yes, of course.

We've got one from Everest Conclave.

Everest writes: Your partner is a world-renowned scientist.

Wow.

Wow, Murph.

Congrats.

What?

Well, in this hypothetical, you're a world-renowned scientist.

What kind of science do you think you study, Murph?

Cold Fusion, Pro Wrestling.

I can actually tell you, Murph's latest invention, a device that will provide infinite clean energy for the world.

Wow.

Wow.

I was right.

You're invited to see a demonstration of the machine along with members of the press.

As your partner introduces you to the members of their team, you freeze upon hearing one of their names, Dr.

Avi Kintober.

Oh, shit.

No, no, no, no.

Fuck.

He looks nothing like the egg-based Sonic character.

When you try and explain the significance of his name, he simply frowns and says, Sonic?

Like the restaurant?

You chalk it up to a wild coincidence.

I would totally believe that this was...

If I ran into someone, they were like, my name is Dr.

Avi Kintober.

I'd be like, I'm not even going to bring up Sonic with you.

This is clearly,

clearly a coincidence.

As soon as I say Sonic.

Abby Robotnik is based on you or something.

You're such a legit scientist.

As soon as they say Sonic-like the restaurant,

I'm like, you're lying.

You're Dr.

Robotnik, right?

Yeah.

Yeah, I'm looking for more cracks in this egg-like facade.

Okay, well, you chalk it up to a wild coincidence.

Just before the demonstration begins, however, you see Kintober say, whoops, almost forgot, and take an egg out of his lab coat and then place it inside the machine.

Oh my god.

Your partner begins to welcome everyone to the demonstration.

Do you interrupt everything to point out the egg embarrassing your partner in front of the press?

Do you try and stealthily remove the egg and risk damaging the miracle machine?

Or do you let things be knowing that this could be an evil plan by Dr.

Robotnik or even the event that turns him evil in the first place?

I have a really good idea.

Okay.

I take out my phone and I make the flash go off at the same time, like in the direction of the press, at the same time that I dive towards the egg to knock it out.

So they can't.

That sounds like such a scene, Emily.

That sounds like such a fucking scene.

That was preempted by, I have a really good idea.

Yeah, so

that's one of the worst ideas I've ever heard.

That's the worst thing you could do in this situation.

Literally the worst thing you could do in this situation.

Just picture you call attention to yourself and then die.

Everything you've done in this situation is bad.

Take it again.

Take it back.

I think you misunderstand.

No, I'm perfectly understanding.

It sounded like they're giving a speech in a dissertation.

So it sounds like maybe you could sneak up to the device.

And the only danger is that you might break it.

Yeah.

Right.

It sounds like you could do it without being noticed.

You are, A, guaranteeing that you are noticed.

And B, instead of carefully going towards a device, you're diving at it.

I think Emily is almost in the radio.

Yeah, she's almost in the radio.

I'm just gonna say it.

Go on.

The dive and the flash happen concurrently so that no one can take a picture of me.

Okay, that's good.

That's good.

That's a really great tactic.

It almost sounds like your idea is like a distraction for someone else to deal with.

Yeah, it's the thing.

It's for you.

The thing Emily is missing here, the thing that's really gonna happen.

It's time to coordinate with anyone else.

I'm thinking of my feet, okay?

Dr.

Robotnik is real.

Everyone's all dressed up for this event.

I imagine like you're wearing like, you know, a nice gown or something.

Yeah, for sure.

So as soon as you get up on the stage, you kind of like tumble and roll.

You stand up and then voila, you're showing off the merchandise.

You're kind of the,

you're kind of like the person they've hired to like show off all the aspects of the machine.

You're kind of like pointing at things, like someone at like a car show.

Yeah.

And then like you're using just like sleight of hands to just fish that egg out real quick.

What if we combine the two ideas?

Yeah.

I get up on the stage.

The press looks confused.

I say, you don't get it.

I'm like a car model at an auto show.

And I make sure they all get that word.

Just to be clear.

Just to be clear.

The question here was whether or not you interrupt it and embarrass your partner.

You're talking about pretending to be a car model.

What's embarrassing?

Jumping up on stage and making it all about you.

Hey, Murph, Murph, what's embarrassing about highlighting your partner's work, I would say.

True.

Yeah, about showing off all of the great stuff that your partner has made.

Okay, so we're all just saying nuts stuff.

I would say instinctually

stuff that's not answers.

I'm gonna say instinctually, this one has me on edge because this is such a believable origin story for Dr.

Cantobrich that I'm like, was this taken from the

shock his mustache into being big and bristly and this is why he's gonna become obsessed?

Or if he's just like in, if he's just got this evil plan for robots to take over, what better way than to be like, oh, we're doing this for clean energy?

Yeah,

I have a case for not getting involved.

Okay.

Okay.

Okay.

Case number one.

This isn't Dr.

Robotnik, right?

It just could be Dr.

Ivo Kentoba.

Allegedly, just acting kind of strange.

Well, but the egg.

The egg thing is strange.

The egg of it all.

For sure is strange, but I don't know how science is.

And pretending he doesn't know what Sonic is.

For people to be like extremely out of touch isn't that crazy in my experience.

So that's not nuts.

Also, okay, so number one, this might not be Dr.

Robotnik.

Number two, and and like that's just that that would be very embarrassing for me to stand up and say something.

Number two, if it is Dr.

Ivo Kintobra, Dr.

Ivo Kintobra is good and becomes bad later.

So maybe this isn't when he breaks bad.

Maybe this is just more Ivo Kintobra stuff.

And three, the reason that I don't really care is

he comes from like a PG world, maybe even a G world.

So like his bad guy stuff is all very, it's just like, I'm going to turn all of you into robots.

He's like, if that happens, fine, I'll be a fucking robot until Sonic jumps on my head.

It's fine.

Mark, that is actually a really good point, though, that he doesn't start out bad.

Because what if you try to prevent this?

And then you are the inciting instigator.

Oh my God.

Break his device.

Break his well-intentioned device.

And then he says, fuck humanity.

Yeah.

Wow.

A sea of robots is my dream.

Because humans are unreliable.

Look, that one just ruined my clean energy machine.

I'm going to make all humans robots so then I can actually fix global warming.

Maybe that's what he's trying to do.

Maybe he's a good guy.

Maybe this is your evil origin story.

Yeah, Sonic needs to be here.

I don't want to ruin Dr.

Ivo Kintober's device.

You know, that's really good.

I'm concerned about what if my wife is actually working with Kintober.

If they're complicit, yeah.

Oh my God.

Well, that's why I think my strategy, just to reel it back out of Crazy Town, is I feel like, you know, my partner is sitting next to me.

I'm just like, hey, did you see that egg?

I'm a dummy.

I don't know much about science.

You know that about me, but like you love me all the same.

What's up with the egg?

Explain it to me like I'm a dumb child, which I am.

Caldwell, I told you to not make this day about you.

This is my special day.

Okay, okay.

As soon as she says that, I'm going to the hot dog stand.

I'm getting a big, stinky chili dog.

I'm chuding it slowly to try and like waft Sonic over to this.

I do think I'm looking around.

I'm just looking for Sonic and wait way too long.

And then I get turned into a robot.

I stand by making the flash go off and diving after the egg.

I mean,

it's already crazy town.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Emily's the only one that's saving the day here.

Yeah.

If the day needs saving.

For sure.

A lot of these I find myself rather passive, and this one I feel called to heroism.

I think anyone that's a villain in a cartoon that's not like an anime, I'm just like, you can take over the world.

It's not that bad.

Little cartoon critters are going to beat you up at some point.

Right.

There's greater evil in the world already.

Right.

Yeah.

Are there humans in Sonic the Hedgehog?

Yes.

Yeah.

I mean, unfortunately.

Yeah.

Unfortunately.

Well, Sonic gets a human girlfriend at one point.

I think that's a good thing.

I forget that everybody.

For sure.

We should honestly do like a deal.

With all the Sonic stuff that we've done, there's some truly awesome, terrible Sonic stuff from the mid-aughts.

Oh, yeah.

Yeah, they were really trying some stuff out.

Yeah.

Yeah.

It becomes a werewolf, has a human girlfriend.

That's cool.

Do you think that if you become encased in a robotic shell via robotification, and then when Sonic hits you and like you break free, do you die or are you just kind of like lying on the ground like naked as like kind of like the human power source?

I think it definitely sucks ass.

I think you definitely just are walking around watching through your eyes as you're just like clanking around as a robot.

Yeah.

But they look, the animals like bounce around after you jump on their heads and they escape.

So.

Right.

I think they're grateful.

Right.

Look, I'm just really banking on Sonic doing something here because who am I to stop?

And Dr.

Ivo Kintober.

And I'm banking on myself.

Since it's a press event, I would just raise my hand and be like, what's with the egg?

What's with the egg?

Yeah.

I'm curious about the egg.

I saw Dr.

Kintober put an egg in the machine.

If Kintober can defend the egg, then I'm fine with all of this.

Right.

If everybody is on board with the egg, then I'm just going to let it happen.

For sure.

I feel like I could.

It's my place to ask aloud about it, to wonder about it.

And nobody could be that mad.

I wouldn't be fully ruining anything.

Yeah, that's true.

I could see myself raising my my hand and being like, I'm so sorry.

You guys have made persuasive points, but I still just know I'm buying it.

You need to know

a call to heroism.

It was tough to answer because Emily had the correct speech with that.

And so we all had to kind of find our own dive.

Just imagine you're looking at a stage of people.

Someone jumps onto the stage with a disposable camera.

Not even

my phone flash.

My phone flash.

Flashes the camera.

The flash on your iPhone is so small.

It's so small.

Imagine a giant room will basically look like the little flashlight went off on your phone for a second.

You're right.

They probably still get all the pictures.

I'm just imagining the echoing sounds of as the audience watches you do like a combat roll and start messing with the device.

Okay,

their eyesight recovered instantly.

I grab my partner's phone too because I need a backup for this phone.

Oh my gosh.

And I dual flash,

throw it at the audience.

That's really, if you do, if you dual flash, it's going to be like a stereoscopic flash.

In a well-lit, like laboratory presentation, I think the phone splash would not even register.

Yeah, just like when you held two phones and dove across the stage.

I think it would be my greatest honor in life to be the guy about to eat a chili dog, and then Sonic shows up and I take a chomp, but it's gone, and he's already eating it and on his way to save the day.

I feel like I would be honored to play that role in this event.

But imagine this, though, in real life.

that sonic wouldn't get past the security okay

sonic

saving the day yeah absolutely okay are you kidding me okay hang on i'm looking at this too fast for the naked eye okay so dr ivo kintobur there wasn't like a ideological thing that turned him evil he had a rotten egg and tripped on a wire and um got a surge of energy sent through him in the egg

oh this seems like the event something

could be the event

Fuck.

I think

Emily is the hero here.

If you can get to that egg and give it a sniff, then you could save the day.

All right.

You have.

God damn it.

All right.

God damn it, Emily was right.

I think the person that submitted this might have known Kintober's origin story.

I think almost certainly.

So, yeah, reading this, I'm like, okay, Ivo Kintober is undoubtedly good aligned because nothing bad, the bad thing has not happened yet.

So yeah, I think you got to jump in the path of the machine and take the rotten egg for Ivo Contober.

Yeah.

I think that, yeah, history can't be changed.

Yeah.

This must happen.

You got to send a flash up at the audience and do a combat roll onto the stage.

Shit.

Take the egg out.

Once again,

Emily's bravery saves the day.

Yeah.

The correct answer.

I have one that is kind of thematically linked to this, and you'll figure out why as we get into it.

Okay.

You're walking down the street when suddenly you hear a deep voice whispering at you from a nearby alley.

You peer around the corner and see a person in a life-sized yellow Eminem's costume.

At least, you're pretty sure it's a costume.

It's fairly dark in the alley, but the blink of the suit's eyes looks oddly real.

Whoa.

The Eminem clasps his hands together and says, I really need your help, pal.

They've got my eggs.

What?

Shit.

The Eminem points at a CVS across the street and explains that all Eminems are actually his and the other mascot's eggs.

The MM continues, his face looking frantic.

But those eggs are special.

They're gonna hatch soon.

I just know it.

I just know they will.

He drops to his knees and begs: if you get them back for me, I'll give you anything you want.

He mouths the words anything again for emphasis, then hands you a crisp $100 bill.

Before you can ask any more questions, he runs behind a dumpster, gestures towards the CVS, and gives you a thumbs up.

What do you do?

I just go clean out their MM supply.

Yeah, I guess you can use a hundred.

I think a hundred dollars will get you the MMs that are going to be a lot more.

I think it'll get you every single MM.

You could just clean them out.

Yeah.

I mean, you could just take the money.

I clean them out.

I go.

I clean them out.

No, because like anytime that someone's like, they're my babies, I'm like, all right, I'm going to try and help.

Right.

It's like, if they're eggs or not, this random guy really, really, really wants them.

I think the fact that, yeah, I think the MM is blinking.

I'm, I'm like, I'm sorry.

You have to prove that you're a real MM.

Is this J.K.

Simmons?

Are you the voice of the Min M?

I thought it was John Goodman.

Is that true?

No, I thought it was J.K.

Smith.

I think John Goodman's the yellow one, right?

Who is the yellow?

Let's get to the bottom of this.

Min M.

J.K.

Simmons.

J.K.

Simmons.

Really?

Has been the voice of the yellow MM in commercials since the late 90s.

He took over the role from John Goodman.

Whoa.

He voiced the yellow MM in the original 1995 commercials.

So this is, this is like, you're getting Goodman's timber from this M ⁇ M.

Oh, if that changes anything.

And I say, John Goodman, what the fuck are you doing?

Who's that?

Right.

Are you going to be a good man and help me get my ex?

Is what the M ⁇ M says.

I guess, yeah.

Okay, so.

Is there any chance?

I guess, like, before, as I'm walking over there, it's crossing my mind.

Am I being a drug mule?

It would be such bad drug muling to just put it for being available at CVS.

Yeah, but I'm saying, like, is there any way that I'm making myself complicit in trafficking of contrabands?

This is what you have to ask yourself.

You don't know like

what the implications are.

Is this even really low-scale money laundering?

Yes.

I mean that highly likely.

I think the fact that this is such a high quality M ⁇ M costume, I am like, I do want to see where this ends.

Yeah.

No, when I bring it back, I'm like, I'm like, bring them all the M ⁇ Ms and I'm like, so like, what are you up to for the rest of the day?

Yeah, I think first things first is, are you J.K.

Simmons or John Goodman?

If he just says, who's that?

Yeah.

The yellow Eminem.

I give him like a real good look of just being like, is this a suit or are you actually a living cartoon?

You can't touch him.

Can't touch him.

He recedes further and further into the galleyway.

That's fine.

That's fine.

I want him to tap him on the shoulder and be like, don't worry, it's going to be okay.

I'll get your eggs and see what the shell is.

Yeah, yeah, that's a good.

That's okay.

That's a good strategy.

He does have flesh arms.

Yeah.

Oh, my God.

Are they smooth with just a little bit of down on them?

They're smooth.

I I don't think there's a single wrinkle on them, so it does look like some sort of.

Not even in the elbow?

Not even in the elbow.

Well, you know what?

When it bends, I'll say that there's kind of like a silica-esque bend to the elbow.

It almost looks like rubbery.

Whoa.

But when you touch it, I'm going to say it does feel a little warm.

Wow, they really are kind of flesh-looking.

I didn't realize that.

Yeah, no, they got flesh arms and legs.

They got flesh arms for sure.

I mean, looking at this Eminem, he'd be talking like from...

His stomach.

His stomach, basically.

Yeah.

I don't know.

I feel like a convincing costume would be really tough.

He could be so huge and have a human in him, though.

He could be so huge.

Okay, so I think I'm in, right?

So I think I take the $100.

I go, I don't, the way you're saying anything is making me feel weird, but I'm just going to do this for fun because I think cartoons are real now.

So that's cool.

I go into the CVS.

I'm in for like my own $100 on top of this just to see how this is going to be.

That's what I was going to say.

When you were bringing this up and you didn't even say he gives you $100, I was like, yeah, I'll go buy it.

I'll clean it up.

If you come up to me with a good enough M ⁇ M costume and say, buy buy all the MMs at the CVS, I just might do it.

I just might do it.

They're about to hatch.

Yeah.

I'm like,

I guess I want to see this play out.

I want to see this play out.

Seriously.

So he gives me $100.

I meet him at that $100.

I spend $200 on MMs.

I think I'm confident I'm able to clear out the CVS of MMs.

And then I come out and I hand all the MMs to the yellow M ⁇ M.

Okay.

I think I do it, but I like, as I hand them to him, and I really got to get going.

Because I don't want him taking me to different CVSs CBSs and Walgreens and Dwayne Reed's around town.

Yes, that's true.

I do not hit up a second one.

I think, yeah, I think I handed him a not enlisted in this.

I'm not a part of this.

I'll help you out.

I feel like this one, I'm like, maybe I'm money laundering in a way that I don't understand, but it's only $100.

But once he starts taking me to other ones, then I'm like, okay, now I'm just going to go to jail.

Yeah.

There's also a world where like the M ⁇ Ms hatch and they see you and then like these M ⁇ M minis imprint on you.

Good God.

And then you're just kind of like the father or mother to this, like, swarm, this, like, hive.

That would be really nice.

I do not want that kind of stuff.

Really, really bad.

So, you really, yeah, you got to think through like every step of this.

It's much more than $100.

It's a lot of responsibility.

Yeah, well, they hatch and they see the yellow MM.

Yeah.

And then I'm like, right.

That's your dude.

And then the MM's like, I'm naming them after you.

Yeah, that's fine.

You can't do that.

That's cool with you.

Great.

Yeah, for sure.

My name is Caldwell Murphy.

Can I get your number or jake for short and i give him jake's number and then i back out

yeah i do think that i want to go with him on this i i kind of think that this is like a fun wacky adventure and like the curiosity is certainly there i think i throw the hundred dollars in the trash and just keep on with my life really

yeah oh i think it's just too much it's just like too much yeah it's just too much for me yeah yeah and i just like you definitely don't have to put the hundred dollars in the trash right you could just say i don't want to do it i don't know i feel like he's like i don't yeah

but you're scared of the MM.

I'm scared of the MM.

Yeah, that's what I'm getting at.

And I think that there's a chance that, like, the MM, like, if it hatches these other MMs, like, who knows what's going to happen here?

Like, you know what I do?

I ask for a wish that seems like within the MM's power.

Oh, I do.

I'm like,

can you give MMs for me the nutritional value of like chicken with a side salad?

Whoa.

And then I just get so buffed just chugging MMs.

Like meaty MMs.

Yeah.

Imagine just housing MMs for protein.

And I'll know.

And I'd know right away because I would like eat them and I'd be like, well, I feel like shit.

I ate a ton of MMs.

So it's definitely does, it's not chicken and salad.

So, okay.

See, again, this is what I'm talking about.

I forgot entirely about the wish.

Yes.

Yeah.

You could get that.

Absolutely, Murph.

This M ⁇ M, I think, would like lead you into like the sewers where like this M ⁇ M's.

I'm not following him for the sewers, so I'm already.

Yeah, well, that's if you want the protein,

motherfucker, you said if I got the M ⁇ Ms, I'd give me a wish.

You're going to take me to a sewer in due time, brother.

No, no, no.

Then I run away.

I ask him for an MM's-based wish because I believe that's when it's in his power.

As soon as he tries to get me to a second location, I'm gone.

And it's a sewer.

Yeah.

I think we can all agree that our curiosity, we see through the first task, but we are not going to the second location.

I'll go to a public location that's not embarrassing for

you.

Yeah, I'm going to go into a sewer.

I'll go to McDonald's.

I probably have to go to a CVS anyway.

Like, there's, I'll get something for myself in there while I'm getting the M ⁇ Ms.

Yeah.

All right, great.

So you're going with the M ⁇ M, but you're not going to the second location.

How are you doing in the second location?

I'm worried about what I'm getting embroiled in, so I'm saying no to the M ⁇ M.

Okay.

But then the M ⁇ M might seek vengeance on you.

That's why I throw away the $100 bill so that the bond is broken.

He threw away his $100.

Well, maybe I leave it out for someone else.

I feel like whoever.

For someone else, it's the MM.

Yeah.

You just robbed him.

You robbed this MM.

You could just go give it to the CVS cashier.

Maybe.

All right.

You know what I do?

I probably leave it at the edge of the alley, and then I say, I'm sorry.

And then I just just run away really quick.

Run?

Yeah.

And the MM gets on all fours and starts bounding towards you.

Oh my God.

That's that would be so fucking scary because when you look at the yellow M ⁇ M, you're like, okay, red M ⁇ M might catch me.

Yellow M ⁇ M?

He's a fucking tank.

He's a tank.

I can definitely outrun him.

And then he gets down on all fours and you're like, oh, my God, he's a hippo.

God.

And he's got a nut inside of him.

So he's got like internal armor.

Yeah.

No, he's like, have you eaten any of my eggs?

Are you an egg eater?

I smell my eggs on your breath.

I've never had an M ⁇ M before, sir.

Yeah, okay, no, that's a really good point.

Yeah, I do one task for him and then I'm asking.

I think I don't even ask for the wish.

Maybe the wish would be like, I wish to know why you exist.

Yeah.

Like, did us believing in you make you exist?

Right.

Is it my fault that you're around?

Grant me a rainbow pearl of wisdom.

Yeah.

Turn the M upside down to a W.

Yeah.

I do a low stakes wish.

What happens after death?

That's cool.

I wish to know what happens after death.

Would you believe what the yellow M ⁇ M told you?

I was just going to give you a lot of M ⁇ Ms.

It's a dark void of nothing.

Oh, oh, fuck.

I guess it's comforting in a way.

Shit.

But am I conscious?

Am I conscious to the dark void?

The entire time.

Fuck.

That's so fucking scary, dude.

Well,

perspective I wanted.

Thanks, man.

our bodies don't melt in their hands they melt in the mouth of the world okay new wish can you um bring back the old commercials yeah absolutely we can do that yeah

what if jk simmons and john goodman could be in the commercial at the same time wow like a multiverse yeah you know what just come down to our studio in the super

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Thanks, everybody.

Jake, you have another one?

Yes, I do.

This one's from Ava.

Ava writes, you have been sent to prison due to some serious real-life crimes.

Money laundering for an M ⁇ M.

Yeah, exactly.

MMs.

You shouldn't have gone to that second location.

It was a sting.

You go there, they instantly scan the $100 bill with one of those like infrared things.

It's absolutely counterfeit.

Fucking cuffs in the self-checkout.

Upon your arrival at jail, they say you can serve the full two years in jail or you can leave once you've finished completely eating a wooden door.

Oh my god!

The door is about an inch thick, oak wood, no hardware, just wood.

There is a hole where the knob used to be, so you know it's a door.

God damn it.

You'll get regular utensils, and you can spend as much time working on consuming the door as you would like.

Once you pick a path, you cannot change your mind.

What do you do?

Great one.

Okay, so wait, so

you're not like trapped in a room or anything.

You just have to eat a door for the door.

You're going to eat a little bit every day.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

All right, I'm eating this door.

I'm eating this door.

I'm telling you my strategy.

What if you get intestinal splinters?

Yeah, you would, and you would, but I think here's what, just being gone for two years is a long fucking time.

Here's my strategy for the door.

I was just going to say two years isn't that long.

You think you can eat the door in sub-two years?

Wait, it has to be in two years?

Is that as long as you eat?

No, no, no.

It's as long as you are finished with the door.

Yeah.

If you finish the door, you're out.

But you're in jail.

Oh, you're in jail while you finish it?

Yeah.

Fuck that.

So yeah, you can like shave off your sentence literally by eating the door or you're like every two years.

Your sentence is either two years long or as long as it takes you to eat a door.

My feeling is I got to see what the social scene is.

How bad do I need to get out of it?

Can I use a blender?

Oh,

just regular utensils.

Just regular utensils.

Okay.

Okay, then fuck that.

Yeah, I think there's no way you can eat a door.

Yeah, there's no seasoning either.

Well, you could probably like ground it into sawdust.

With some teriyaki.

You could pulp it maybe with water.

I mean, fully pulpit.

How many shots of sawdust

to eat a door?

Right.

Because you could probably, you could down a shot of sawdust, but you're not going to eat that in two years.

Like 300 years.

And you have to shave it into sawdust with like your knife, your fork, a knife.

You'd have to.

Yeah, that sucks, ass.

If I have access to a blender and could throw some water in there and you just have like a glass of sawdust every day,

nah, I might just use two years to like read and try to get in shape and then like I'll get out and I'll be

a better person versus getting out in like a year and a half with wood poisoning.

Yeah, that's the problem, right?

If it's just like, if I can go on living my life, but I have to eat a door

or something bad happens, I would do that.

But the fact that you're going to be in prison anyway, you can't eat a door in any amount of time that actually shaves off your prison sentence.

Okay, guys, something interesting to consider.

Smoking and flavoring.

Sawdust is commonly used in the food industry for smoking and flavoring purposes.

Yeah,

wood chips or sawdust from different species of trees, such as apple, cherry, and hickory, are often used to add a smoky flavor to food.

Oh, right.

And that's definitely fine, which is why if you just had to eat a door in a given amount of time, then that would be fine because you could just sprinkle it on stuff.

But once it's like you're in prison,

then there's no reason to do that.

Okay, okay.

I think I like basically I'm like, okay, I'm gonna try to just like lay low and see if I can get through this.

I have a terrible day, and then I take one bite of door,

and then I realize I can't do it.

I I don't think I could physically like 365 bites of door if you're biting your door every day.

I feel like that's only getting you a quarter of the way through.

Yeah, I don't even know that you, yeah, you don't even eat the door in a year.

That's why I'm not right.

You get so sick.

You get so sick and hurt.

And I think it kills you if you try to eat the door too fast.

Eat the door is such a weird thing to say about that.

Teeth on wood is like the grossest thing in the world to me.

Yeah, you have to say teeth on.

You just have to feel sick every day.

You have to eat sawdust.

Yeah.

But even just like taking in a a bunch of sawdust isn't good for you, like breathing it away.

So like, yes, if you're just like over 10 years eating a door in the background while living your life, then it's worth it.

To avoid prison, yeah.

To avoid prison is worth it to eat the door.

If you're in prison anyway, shoveling wood into your mouth, that's just prison, but worse.

Do you guys think that you try once, though?

No.

Once you make your choice, you can't go back.

Oh, really?

Oh, yeah.

Okay.

Yeah.

I'm not eating this door.

And I think I probably just have to eat.

You're just in prison.

There is no upside to the eating the door thing.

How serrated is my knife?

Is it like a really good quality steak knife?

Beyond a butter knife, but it's not a steak knife.

It's serrated, but it's not sharp.

Hear me out on this hack, though.

All right, because like if I'm in prison, there is like, you know, usually like a little economy there.

Like I can buy cigarettes.

Yeah.

So like I would have access to a lighter.

Can I like carve a little piece of the door every day, burn it down into charcoal?

Charcoal is good for the body.

It activates and like oxidizes.

So you just like burn it into a charcoal dust powder you mix it in with your smoothie that's fine but you're not consuming enough of the dwarf for you to to get any time back yeah yeah i was gonna say i think this method possibly keeps you in for longer if i'm having a small bonfire every day my allotted bonfire i still you know i do think at a certain if you are shaving it down where you are eating the dust that i think still counts if you're burning it away so it turns to vapor that you're not like consuming then i think you're cheating.

I think that that ceases to be you eating it.

I think I just straight up know I couldn't physically do this.

Yeah.

So I think I can't take this deal.

If it is to consume the door, then I think Caldwell is onto something that you could just huff door fumes.

Right.

Like you just build.

Although if I hotbox it, you know, if you're in fucking prison, they're not going to let you make a bonfire.

What if I'm like, no.

What if I have really good behavior and they're like, okay, you can have one.

You can huff wood.

Oh, you can have a little computer time.

You can have a little huffing.

What do you know about the door deal?

yeah if they if they allow you to tackle the door deal yeah yeah if it's just consume a door i'll huff a freaking door i'd huff a door you could smoke a door maybe

yeah how bad how bad would that be for you to huff a door probably it would not be great i don't i think it would take

it'd be bad for you for sure it would take more than two years off your life right you think so yeah true that's a good yeah good call i believe in myself that i could do this in two years but i think it would fucking ruin me so i'm not going to take this yeah but why would you but if you did it in two years, you would have just eaten a door while in prison for two years.

So, why not just go to prison for two years?

It's got to be like six months or less that really makes it worth it.

I looked it up.

It's not safe to huff a door.

Okay, yeah.

So, then we don't even want to huff a door.

What were your search terms?

It is safe to huff a door, right?

Oh,

hey, try listening to the doors instead.

Yeah, what happens if you inhale a bunch of wood dust?

Would maybe be like where you'd get like.

I feel like anytime you say safe to huff anything, it's not

yeah, yeah that's what happens

if you inhale wood dust

inhaling wood dust in the lungs can cause breathing problems and lead to lung diseases yeah cool

well that's why whenever you see a construction site all of the people working there are just like sawing the wood and they're just going

oh yeah i think i think you'd have to chop it up and dice it up so it was like a coal slaw right

okay okay like hiccup yeah and wet it up like little hiccumo strikes it would it have to be wet apple apple peeler.

You'd have to wet the door.

Maybe you could work in the.

Wet the shaving?

That's right, though.

It's better to have it wet.

Yeah.

Wet the door.

You might be able to have one of your jobs be in the kitchen.

In the potato.

In which case, you could get a little bit of...

Yeah, you can see it.

But still would take so fucking long.

Here's the thing.

They make newspapers from trees every day.

If you have access to enough water, you shave it down thin, you're pulping the strips, and then you're just eating one newspaper every day.

No problem.

That

it would be so bad.

I think I'd rather just be in prison and to be in prison and eating one newspaper like every other day.

Yeah.

Yeah, I just think that time.

The whole thing is that the fact that you're going to prison anyway makes everything else moot.

It's just, I'm not going to try to eat the door to get off.

I'm not going to fill my lungs with wood to shave three months off my sentence.

But, like, also, it's also like when I get out, I need to be in peak physical form to get my revenge on the yellow M ⁇ M for

making me complicit in money laundering.

In this situation, I see it as being the yellow M ⁇ M

says his shtick, gives you the $100.

You go in, they're like, this is a fraudulent $100 bill.

And you go like, no, no, no, I know this is wild, but the yellow M ⁇ M gave it to me.

You go outside and the yellow M ⁇ M is gone.

So it's like, I need those two years to be doing push-ups.

Right.

Be preparing my revenge

on the yellow M ⁇ M.

You need to karate chop right into that almond.

That's the only way.

Yeah, because I'm pretty sure he not only left town, he skipped country.

Yeah.

And I'm going to be traveling all over the world trying to find him.

Yes, M ⁇ Ms float.

Like, you don't even need to take it.

I'm trying to make sure that he doesn't do this to other people.

True.

Too, true.

So, like, I've got stuff to do.

I can't be polluting my body with a door.

Yeah, I'm not eating a fucking door.

Yeah.

Jake had the right of it when he said.

If it takes you more than six months, it ceases to be worth it.

Yeah.

Because you're just commuting like a little bit of your sentence and you've eaten a fucking door.

Like that will kill you.

There's better ways to spend your time.

I mean, if it was a cupboard door, maybe you could have a conversation.

No doubt, no doubt.

Yeah.

Easy.

Easy.

That's not easy, but

it's easy.

Well, you turn it into slaw.

I mean, that's really nice.

A cupboard door slaw.

A cupboard door is.

I might do that.

That'll take you a couple months.

That'll take you a couple months to do it safely.

A cabinet slaw.

Just a wooden croutons and your sweat cabinet slaw when you're out.

Okay, great.

Oh, and think about it.

Your teeth are going to be so strong that when you get out of prison, you can just bite right into that almond to destroy this MM instantly.

Oh, that's great.

Yeah.

Did you know that when an MM goes in water, the little M slides off because it's made of like a different material than the candy coating?

What the fuck?

Yeah, if you like let it float in water, eventually the M will just slide away.

I don't feel good about that.

Yeah, no, the M is cyanide.

What?

It's just a little bit of cyanide.

It's just enough cyanide to make you feel good.

Yeah.

You're only allowed to have 3,000 MMs ⁇ Ms in your lifetime.

Satire.

Not real.

Okay.

Okay.

All right.

It's my turn.

We wound back around to the M ⁇ M.

Y'all want another one?

Yes.

Yes.

Okay.

You're on your way to a Magic the Gathering night and decide to stop at Trader Joe's for some snacks and drinks.

Wow.

Nice.

I'm just that kind of person.

It's so thoughtful, you know?

You pull a bag of chili lime rolled tortilla chips from the shelf.

And to your surprise, you see a small impish creature hiding behind it.

Oh my God.

The creature is wearing a brown cloak and can only be described as Yoda, but painted blue.

Olives I must have, grunts the creature.

You're almost gonna come again?

Olives I must have.

Oh, it needs olives.

Okay.

Okay.

You're almost certain this is an animatronic, but when the monster grabs your hand, it feels scaly and warm.

I prefer, it continues.

The color matters not.

A puppet with a warm hand is terrifying.

That's the most terrifying detail.

So far, no matter what, I'm giving this thing an olive.

Yeah, me too.

Because if it isn't animatronic, then Trader Joe's fucking put it here.

So it's fine if I steal olives from Trader Joe's.

It is true that they, sometimes for kids, will have like a little like mascot up on the rafters in the store for kids to find.

So like this could just be.

You know what?

Maybe Trader Joe's is building animation.

Yeah, I could talk my way out of this.

I could be like, I was going to buy the olives.

I got it for this little fucking guy.

He's part of the store, right?

They'll let you eat a grape as you're walking around the store.

That's not a big issue.

Yeah, who's true?

Really?

Dude, not.

I mean, it's definitely rude, but no one's gonna attack.

Trader Joe's doesn't have an olive bar.

You can't get like a loose olive.

You're gonna have to crack them open in the store.

I feel like people are gonna look at that.

Yeah, people will look at it, but I think you can crack one.

You can actually look, it's totally bad form, but if Yoda needs an olive,

yeah.

Well, hold on, let's continue.

Yeah, let's hear the rest of it.

Okay.

You shake your hand free and go to ask an employee about the Yoda on the shelf.

When you do, they frown and in a dead serious voice say, I don't know who Yoda is, but if I were you, I'd get that thing whatever he wants.

Whoa.

The other customers in the store are equally withholding, but at one point, you do see a woman handing a single olive to the withered blue creature.

However, before you can see if she receives anything in return, she notices you and quickly turns her back to block your view.

You look at your phone and realize you're going to be late for game night if you don't hurry.

What do you do?

Okay, well, Magic of the Gathering, you can always join in the next game.

True, okay.

You can always start something with the person who gets eliminated first.

I think that woman doesn't get a chance to feed him because I'm just so quickly like, yeah.

Yeah, I'm already

as soon as I see, yeah, as soon as I see a little monster and asking for something, I'm like, unless you want me to like kill somebody or something.

It's just asking for a fucking olive.

Yeah, I'm probably in.

I'll probably even buy the olives after that.

If I'm late and this thing's already getting an olive from somebody else, I feel like I'm just like.

The magic is real, Jake.

Yeah.

Yeah, but I'm just like, oh, that thing is satiated, doesn't need me.

I have somewhere to go.

I definitely don't.

Do you want to be friends with Blue Yoda?

I don't know why I'm like there for the yellow M ⁇ M if not Yoda.

Something about this exchange is rubbing me the wrong way.

He has a warm little hand, Jake.

He reached out to you with a warm hand.

Jake, some of these, I feel like there's like a life or death stakes to them.

And this one, I thought it'd be fun if it was just like, do you want to feed this Blue Yoda or not?

That's a pretty simple question.

Definitely feed it.

And I guess I'm an asshole because I feel like I want to be on time to game it.

If he fucking hissed at me, if he like hissed at me and snapped at me and said like grip me an olive or i'll kill you or kill you i will he might yeah if he did that i would be like no and then i'd go up to the employee and i'd be like your little mascot is rude

but since he was nice i mean he wasn't nice he just like asked he just like made his needs known yeah hiding behind the chips see my thought when uh thinking about this question when immersing myself in this world was that like i do think that maybe trader joes has implemented some sort of morality system where there are like hidden objectives now within the Trader Joe's.

So I think that like, if you don't give this Bloada, this Blue Yoda, the olive that it needs, it's going to like, you're going to have to pay more.

I think that to get like the employee discount or like, you know, to get like the Trader Joe's club discount, you got to help the Yoda.

I'm going to stop and shop.

I'm not signing on to their moral code thing.

I think from my experience with stray cats, any little creature that comes up to me with imploring eyes, let alone imploring words, I'm like, yeah, let's get you fed.

Yeah.

Let's get you fed.

This is much more reasonable.

I mean, the MM scares me.

I mean, obviously, I get scared seeing blue Yoda like just in the grocery store.

Yeah.

But the MM is way scarier because the MM, A, is huge.

It's trying to take you to second locations.

Yeah.

This is has a crisp $100 bill.

Where the fuck did MMs get money?

It's calling MM's eggs.

Way scarier situation where I'm way more on edge.

As soon as I accept, I'm like, okay, magic is real and Yoda is blue.

Right.

You're does that give you pause, though?

The fact that Yoda is blue in this situation, it's definitely strange.

I honestly don't know Star Wars well enough to be

blue Yoda.

I probably just say, Yoda,

are you real?

But do you think that, like, is Trader Joe's?

Is Yoda here?

Clearly, he's not here against his will.

Trader Joda, that's who

Trader Joda.

Yeah, so I'm like,

if I'm being pranked, this is incredible special effects.

Yeah, I want to see this out.

I want to see the full range of things that this animatronic blue Yoda can do.

And also, are they doing a Yoshi's Island but for Yoda where there are a bunch of different color Yodas, in which case I would like to be involved.

Yeah, it's true.

I tried to make this a little more sinister, but this one's just kind of fun all the way down.

Yeah, if anything, I'm gaping my tote bag, seeing if it'll jump inside and come with me to game night.

What do you do just to like tack on a little more of like just a little extra wrinkle on this one?

What if you like you give the Yoda the olive and he just fucking bites your hand?

He just chomps down.

Then I leave.

Then at that point I just

pull my, I pull my hand back and I exit the store.

Yeah, I think I wordlessly exit the store.

My experience with, again, stray cats is that they can abuse me all they want and I will continue to feed them.

Damn.

So I'll probably, I probably just like am hurt, but then like respond maybe with neutrality and coldness and walk away.

See, that's great.

That's very kind.

I think I am more aligned with Jake, where like I ignore it, then go home and just type in Trader Joe's.

Blue Yoda.

Blue Yoda.

Blue Yoda,

is Trader Joda real?

It'd be really funny if there was just like two posts.

Completely unanswered.

Yeah, I'm just imagining trying to sneak a picture of Blue Yoda until he doesn't see me.

So I'm like, I think I go get the olives and then I'm trying to like low-key take a video of it.

Well, you need to do a distracting flash first.

Yeah, true.

Yeah, that's a good idea.

All right.

All right.

Great.

Okay.

Solve.

We have one more from Rebecca H.

Rebecca writes, you're washing your hands at a rest stop when your wedding ring somehow falls down the sink drain.

Uh-oh.

Oh, no.

Yeah.

You run to the manager and he's dressed in a Mario costume from the live-action Mario.

Okay.

Okay.

The costume is so realistic.

You could be the real Italian plumber.

Hell.

Mario starts unscrewing the S-pipe to try to get your ring when you are both sucked down the pipe and transported to a magic mushroom.

Here we go.

This is fun.

The manager becomes fully animated and voiced by Chris Pratt, while you are still you.

The mushroom kingdom is a paradise.

Cute toad people, a pretty princess, easily defeated Koopas for you to pwn,

and a shit ton of gold that you think you might actually be able to take home with you.

However, you don't know if time passes differently between Earth and whatever dimension you find yourself in.

When you ask Mario, he simply says, how the hell should I know?

Okay, that's that sassy Mario from the movie for sure.

Do you A, go on an epic journey through the magical realm to find your ring before trying to return home?

B, forget the ring and immediately try to return home, or C, settle in the mushroom kingdom, or D, something else.

I would love to say that it would even occur to me to worry about the passing of time.

I don't think it does.

Yeah.

I'm definitely on Zillow the moment I get there.

Just like absolutely check.

Because like these like mushroom bungalows, are you kidding me?

Yeah.

Like it's, and also like if the pipe is like centrally located for like public transit purposes, yeah.

And I can just like get back to my job to record here while also like commuting for the mushroom banking.

Yeah, I think it's like time to do one adventure.

Yeah.

Yeah.

I don't think the time difference, like the way the passage of time wouldn't occur to me.

Yeah.

But if for some reason it came up and there was confusion, then I think maybe I would think about it a lot.

Yeah, exactly.

If Mario was like, Boy, I hope a second here isn't a year out there.

Yeah, I would be like, I'd be really scared.

What?

I'd be so sad if I was just like eating magical mushrooms and I came home with a bunch of gold and I found out that Jill had died 200 years ago.

Yeah, I know.

That's what I, I think the second it came up and Mario was like, haha, boy, I hope the time doesn't move differently here.

I'd be like,

let's skip back to find out.

Because it feels like we could just come back down here, right?

It's just that scene in Interstellar, but I'm sadly munching on a mushroom.

Yeah, that's true.

Yeah, you could just take the risk of being like, I'll try to jump out and then come back down.

Because it is true.

Like, I would love to just kill one of the Koopalings.

Just one.

Maybe Iggy.

Yeah, you just run out and just beat the shit out of Iggy and then jump back up.

And like get a medal from Princess Peach for doing so.

That's a great day.

And then, yeah, maybe, hopefully, not too much time has passed, but we'll see.

Yeah.

And if everyone I know and loved is dead, it was worth it.

Wow.

Then I guess I start over.

Yeah, I guess I, I think I would like start the adventure.

And then if it was like a really arduous adventure and it seemed like it was going to take a really long time and I kept thinking about this time thing, I might be like, Mario, I might, I might bounce.

I might go back just in case like 10 years have passed.

I don't want like 10 more to pass.

I might just check in on some things back on Earth.

I think that it would drive you nuts thinking about time passing by in the real world while you're going.

But it would also drive you nuts if you got to the Mushroom Kingdom, instantly went back to Earth, and then everything was fine.

But then the Mushroom Kingdom was gone.

You could never go back.

That would suck.

So I think you do need to.

You have to do a little bit of it.

I think you got to do your adventure.

And you got to go on an adventure, try to get your ring back.

I mean, you have to hope this that it's Narnia rules, right?

Yeah.

Yeah.

Narnia is the opposite.

Narnia is, you can live like a whole lifetime and it's like an hour.

Yeah.

Really?

Yeah.

Oh, yeah.

That's great.

Yeah.

You have to like ask everyone you meet.

Be like

spoilers.

Yeah,

they become like kings and queens and then they go back and they're just like kids again.

Yeah.

Wait, so, but aren't they like, do their bodies become kids again?

Yeah.

Yeah.

And they have the memories of the time that they spent there.

Oh, but they kind of forget it.

They're just

like, they forget it pretty quickly.

They like sort of remember it.

Wow, spoilers for the Dawn Treader.

Yeah, holy shit.

Yeah, that's trippy shit.

Yeah.

The lion is Jesus.

It's true.

I think I have heard that there's a heavy-handed allegory in there.

Interesting.

I read it when I was a kid, and I, like, those children, don't remember any of it.

Yeah, maybe you went to Narnia Jake.

Maybe it was a metaphor for reading the book.

Yeah.

It's different than the lion, the witch, and the wardrobe, or it's the same.

No, it's the same.

I mean, it's one of those books.

Yeah.

Okay.

What's the food situation like?

Let's be honest.

It's tough because, like you can't eat the mushrooms.

Maybe there are some you can't eat.

They look

the most tempting.

Yeah.

I don't know.

When Mario takes like a big bite out of them when he's like 3D Mario, they look pretty good.

Really?

I haven't seen that.

Yeah, and he never trips on the mushrooms.

So I think the mushrooms are like, they look pretty filling out.

Oh, just nutritious.

And also, you could become a cat.

There's one of the mushrooms that'll turn you into a cat, so that's fun.

Oh, that's fun.

And you can climb up walls and stuff.

I think I honestly do it until I need a proper snack.

I think most magical worlds, I'm trying to think of how the rules are, but usually, with the exception of like interstellar, which wasn't like this.

Right.

If you don't go through a black hole, you're fine.

So like when you're going through the tube, when you're going through that like transparent magic pipe, just make sure there are no collapsing stars.

Then you're good.

In most fantasy worlds, things are the same or no time has passed.

Right.

Those worlds, like, you know, there needs to be some kind of plausible reason for people to just like...

maybe escape from the main thing.

Yeah, because you're going to have woken up and they're going to be like, hey, you like knocked your head on the side of the toilet and then passed out.

You were passed out.

You almost drowned in the toilet water.

Okay.

You know, you had a secret adventure.

I think I would convince myself of this really quick.

I'd be like, okay, yeah, Lion Witch in the wardrobe.

Right.

Over the garden wall.

I would just like start going through all this stuff and I'd be like, yeah, it's generally like you go on like a long adventure and it's only been a day.

I think I'm cool.

I would hash this out with Mario.

Yeah.

What if Mario keeps bringing up Interstellar?

I'd be like, what if Interstellar?

Why are you obsessed with that movie?

It was pretty good, but it came out like 10 years ago.

I'm adjusted awarded.

We're going to get stuck up behind the bookshelf.

I just love a moon.

I'm just curious why you keep bringing it up, Mario.

Like, do you, yeah, Mario, what about other fantasy stuff?

Yeah.

What makes you so sure it's going to be interstellar rule?

You could sit down to watch tin it with Mario and like 300 years could pass on Earth and you wouldn't even know.

Oh my god.

Look, if it's that, if the timing is that ridiculous, then like the seconds you've spent already, you're already fucked.

Yeah, you're right.

If it's that wild where it's like 10 years every minute, then you've already, every second.

And already the world is going to be so different when you're right.

Yeah.

As soon as you're there, it's either going to be fine or worst case scenario is already happening.

True.

Yeah, because you're going to stay and think about it.

You're going to look around at the Mushroom Kingdom.

You're going to spend half an hour there.

There's no way you show up and are instantly like, oh no, time might be passing.

And you jump back up the pipe.

I'm killing a wiggler as soon as I can.

Yeah.

I think we've proved that we'll all be very sensible if we're ever in an is a guy.

Yeah.

The only remaining wrinkle here, and this is very important, is that you like, you have to make sure you do not bring up your family back home.

Because as soon as you do that, you are marked.

Because Mario is clearly the main character here, and you are just marked for noble sacrifice.

As soon as you're like, man, I can't wait to get home to my family.

But I feel like I can't bring it up.

Well, the whole thing is about your wedding.

Yeah, my ring.

I do think that, look, if magical worlds are real, I do feel like there would be some logic to the story here.

I do imagine I'm just like, okay, magic is real.

I'm in a storybook.

If I find my ring and at the end of all of this, it's 300 years later.

I guess that'd be a good story.

I guess then it would be really tragic.

Yeah.

Okay.

Yeah.

All right.

Yeah.

No, that does nothing for me.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Wow.

Oh, Bowser's using your ring to try and marry Peach.

It's really tight.

It's actually really tight.

So you got to commit to this narrative.

I think I just commit to the narrative and going through all the fantasy tropes I know.

I most likely actually passed out head down in a toilet.

Right.

Yeah.

When I think has happened.

And you want to come too with the wedding ring, not without it.

So you have to go on the adventure.

Yeah, with the wedding ring in your mouth.

Yeah.

Like, how did that get there?

I guess everything I just lived on.

Yeah,

did I actually go?

Yeah, the question at the end of the film is, did Merf stick his head into the toilet and almost drown getting his wedding ring out with his mouth?

Or did he go on an adventure with Mario?

We don't know.

Right.

You awake, yeah.

400 years later on a revolving space station.

Your ancient daughter, daughter, who is now 10 times older than you, holds your hand, shoves one last mushroom in your mouth.

Wow.

Beautiful.

It's a me.

I was your ghost, Murph.

What?

Then I go back to the Mushroom Kingdom.

All right.

Solved.

We figured it out.

Everyone's going on the adventure, right?

Nobody's turning around right away.

We do one adventure and then we go home.

I don't think I'm

renting an apartment in Mushroom Kingdom.

We go home and we bury Luigi, who is aged horribly in the meantime.

Oh, Luigi.

Yeah, we forgot about Luigi.

He's dead.

Luigi is dead.

Oh, I would think he would just be in the Mushroom Kingdom.

No.

No.

No, he's died.

Okay.

We had to nudge the bookshelf so that Luigi would figure out how to figure out space travel.

It's all.

Oh, so it is interstellar.

It's fully interstellar.

So that's why Mario keeps bringing it up.

Okay, yeah.

So he knows it's interstellar.

He knows.

Yeah.

Yeah, this is like that other Chris Pratt movie where he's on the spaceship.

He like knows all the time.

Yeah, there you go.

Okay.

we're getting confused with

all this stuff.

Anyway, let's go ahead and wrap this one up.

Thank you all so much for all of your submissions.

Thank you to Caldwell for a great surprise round and prompts.

I'll be doing more of them over on the short rest over on patreon.com/slash nadpod.

That's N-E-D-P-O-Don'sing.

Caldwell's got a fun rolling mechanic one where we could do kind of like a Mad Lib surprise round.

I'm excited.

I'm sure we'll see some of our favorite characters.

In the meantime, you could follow us on social media that we may or may not use at Siege vs.

Me, at Caldey Scaldwell, Addie Extras Emily, and at Jake vs.

Jake.

And you can tweet about the show using hashtag NADPOT.

That's NADD POD.

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That was a Hitgum podcast.