70: Devil Sticks with Are You Garbage? | Soder Podcast | EP 68

California.

Balboa Theater, February 28th.

Then March 2nd, I'm going to be at the Palace of Fine Arts in San Francisco.

March 8th, I'm going to be in Grand Rapids, Michigan for Gilda's Fest.

I'm going to be headlining one show there, so check it out.

March 8th in Grand Rapids, Michigan.

Sodi, will you post up in here and watch a game?

You ever lounge in here?

I fucking.

This is cozy.

I get the fucking.

I got the PS5 in here.

She's watching bad suits.

You're in here doing your own shit.

You know what's so funny?

Is Big J had my favorite joke where he's like, You're in the only relationship I know where she'll leave what you're watching to go watch baseball.

That's funny.

Because she'll be like, I gotta watch this.

Real housewives a gang you put bringing.

Wrestling's on.

You Darvish is throwing a shutout right now.

Yeah, it's um, wait, when does the special come out?

February 25th.

All right.

Uh, Route 66.

Route 66.

Just walked out of our last editing session.

Oh, are you guys happy with it?

Nope.

Not yet.

At this point, who the fuck you watched it so many times?

Yeah, you watched it so many times a year.

We figured out the intro.

We weren't happy with the intro.

But we did it like a voiceover.

Like, you know, guys, welcome to the Route 66 tour.

And it was just like, everybody, like, dude, this is so gay.

Like, did you guys cut it or keep it?

Cut it.

Cut it.

All right.

Yeah.

It is a little, it's not just, it's like, it's a little different in the sense of you're like, you have to convey that we're going Chicago to LA on a bus straight through fucking nine cities, all these shows.

Like, we're just

that's show that, but like, you go, hey, guys, we're going out.

And you're like, this sucks.

We just start recording because that's what I like to, because I think that's the best way to do promo is to talk about something honestly.

Sure.

Like, dude, when I was, we were, we edited my YouTube special in here, and you're just like, I hate everything.

Oh, dude.

The way my stupid hand moves during this joke.

I'm not attractive.

Big man's teeth don't really read on screen.

You're like, can you fucking, can you sex me up?

I need some chompers.

No, don't do it.

I'm doing it.

You're getting veneers?

Eventually.

Yeah.

I'm missing three teeth.

Okay.

I got one over here and two over here.

Eventually, a couple more are going to go.

Dude, I'm not going to lie.

The people that do get them, they look great.

55, 60.

If I got the cash, hopefully the metal takes on my mouth.

You got to look.

I got a Weapon X thing going on.

Plus, I look like you got to save up for fucking for 20 years.

Or veneers?

Yeah.

670.

You make a healthy living.

It is a good amount of money.

A lot.

You also, the most important part no one talks about you need to learn how to talk with them really

because

if you ever hear powder

start whistling on s's and stuff well dude tom brady

his whole his whole katie pointed it out the first game and i couldn't unhear it you know the rest of the nfl season he's like that's a first that's a first down it's funny the beginning of the game i was like

But then by the end, I'm like,

he grew on me, man.

He's not bad.

You also lose the watch.

You go, I kind of.

Come on.

We know you're ready to watch.

I mean, it's crazy.

He can't get a nice Rolex.

Do you think Tom Burkhart gets mad about it?

Where he's like, all right, Tom.

Wait, no, it's KB.

It's Kevin Burkhart.

So he's like, what are you doing?

Which he grew on me, too.

In the beginning, I'm like, these two fucking Bozos.

The person I feel the worst for in this entire NFL season is Greg Olson.

Because

Greg Olson was an unbelievable guy in the booth.

He said he's not going to...

play second fiddle to Brady.

But doesn't Brady have a piece of the Raiders now?

Yeah, he's like a part owner.

So can he still announce

i don't think it's a stock market i mean it's so like it's so funny that brady's the one pelosi's cutting yeah he's not on the board of directors

he's pulling a real pelosi right now but it really is one of those things where he just is has too much of a good thing he's just always got something awesome would you still be working no but you there wouldn't be a goodbye yeah that's why you're not tom brady like that's like that thing of like dude if i made they always go like a billionaire makes a hundred million dollars a day and everybody goes i'd work one one day a year.

Yeah, you're like, well, that's not how they got there.

That's not how they got there, dude.

Well, that's also my favorite thing of it.

Don't you shut it down and throw it in neutral.

The thing I keep laughing about are all these people being like,

billionaires don't want to steal your money.

And you're like, yes, they do.

That's how they became billionaires, you fucking idiot.

That's a child.

That's a childlike way of thinking.

Like, they have money.

They don't want no more money.

And you're like, all they want is money.

Brady, though, I mean, the greatest, I think it's proof of higher existence that Giselle ended up.

He got deep quick.

That Giselle ended up with a Brazilian Jiu-Jitsu instructor.

Because Brady's like, yeah, what is he going to do?

He's like, twist you like a pretzel.

And you're like, fuck.

And his kids like him.

They're like, dad, he taught me that.

He's like, shut the fuck up.

Man.

And then he's just a little bit of a child.

Those two Christmases, though, not too shabby.

No.

That's not a wrestling set in a PlayStation.

Dude, that is

a house.

Tom's like, I bought you your own house.

He's like, I'm seven.

Here's the Raiders.

Here's Here's 5% of the Raiders.

Here's Max Crosby as a bodyguard.

How much is he in?

For the Raiders?

I think he's a minor owner.

Still get to show up to the games and all that.

So you get free drinks and all that shit, right?

Oh, my God.

You own it.

The swag.

You think if Tom Brady didn't own the Raiders, he couldn't get tickets.

He goes, oh, guys, I can't get a ticket.

I also like that Foley has the thought process of an owner, like he's King Ralph.

Yeah.

Where he goes, oh,

once you get access, you can just.

That's what it's all about.

I mean, I would live at the stadium.

I'd be a weird owner.

That's what we're doing.

I would like to live there.

Yeah, you live in the locker room?

You're like, that's Dan.

He hasn't been out of the stadium in 48 days.

You're like Kanye cutting an album.

I got long fingernails and a beard, and I go, guys, lift me.

Lift me out of my seat.

Whenever anybody with a comic would get like a writing job, like an SNL or like on the tonight show, my first question, congratulations, that's awesome.

They buy at lunch.

That's so.

Because that's where my head.

They should be, the spread should be in there every day.

That's if you got hired.

Yeah.

You ask Lawrence, like, that's your first question.

Yeah, you're getting lunch, right?

Not where your office is.

If you pay you for lunch, you're a fucking dickhead.

You buying your own sodas at the stadium?

You're fucking, you own five percent of the joints.

Yeah.

I'll work here, but I want two things to meet Will Farrell and free lunches.

You're driving a paradigm short Sandler wears.

He goes, you know what?

That's actually the Chris Farley deal.

So I understand that.

They, you know, Dan Snyder, my buddy McDaniel, when he worked for Washington,

he was a receiver's coach, and he said it publicly that you had to buy cups of coffee.

Soda money?

Fuck that.

You had to buy coffee at the stadium.

But

I think that's wrong, obviously.

But there is the idea of like, well, everybody in here is millionaires.

But not really.

A lot of the guys that are like backup lining me.

We got to do lunch.

But I mean, I get that, but minimum is also, what, like, three, four hundred?

Well, it used to be $2.50.

I don't know what it is now.

But it used to be $200.

Taxes.

You got the lawyers.

You're also coming in women the second you get drafted.

Listen,

that's bad.

I'll give you that.

But it's also like you got the fifty.

I'm not saying it's right, but it's not like they're like going to like, they're not charging it to the people at the soup kitchen and be like, this is a nickel.

I don't know.

Like, just give it, you know.

I think there's still, like, if you're a billionaire and you go, like, no, two dollars for coffee, you go, God.

That's crazy, man.

Well, I'm always interested with athletes.

Like, um,

Tyreek Hill has like

six kids with twice.

Last year, it was like five women.

At one point, he had more kids with different women than touchdowns this season.

That's pretty good.

People would bring up that graphic and you're like, oh.

But then he signs like a big deal and you go, well, he's not really that rich because he's going to have to take it.

It's a lot of money.

Dude, I had

my cousin married a dude who was on the Texans and he did it right.

Got a big contract.

Started.

It's just so fucking...

He retired at, I don't know, 33.

Yeah.

And he's just like, I'm chilling.

He's diverse.

It's just like.

I don't remember who anybody is.

Dude, he's like super brain.

But, you know, he goes, I wake up.

God knows what year it is.

I'm like, you just made every good decision.

Yeah, you're going to be in a wheelchair shortly.

Yeah.

But you made a lot of good decisions with it that a lot of people, I wouldn't have.

What's your first move?

You get sick.

No NIL.

Come out of college.

Penn State linebacker.

Woo!

You know,

otherwise, same backstory.

Instead of comedy.

Wearing number 11.

Like LeVar Arrington.

Like Micah Parsons.

I would immediately.

$2 million signing bonus.

I would hire a money manager.

Really?

I would hire a guy.

I would hire a guy.

Maybe on Monday.

I'm talking Friday night.

Let's say you were in gay.

That check just secured your chicks.

A money manager.

I'd probably put most of it in the SP.

It ain't a bad thing.

I would roll it over into an IRA.

If you mean money manager as in Coke guy, I'm with you.

I want my money to work for you.

No, you don't understand.

Money manager is my watch guy.

What's a money manager?

Now make me a watch.

You're definitely getting a chain made.

I would go.

Oh, 100%.

But you're a white guy.

You're doing a white guy chain?

That's a big swing.

You got to get different genes.

You can't rock that.

No, dude.

It depends on the makeup of the player, right?

Okay.

So if we're, am I a white guy from a radio?

You're you?

Yeah, you're, you're, you're a backstory.

Everything's the same.

I would.

Except you went to Penn State and you were also

the blue guy in the locker room.

I mean, I mean, Dave sitting there doing

Dave Chappelle making fun of the team.

I can't believe you blitzed.

I can't believe you blitzed like that.

Show it, man.

Do Cat Williams again.

And I told him, don't ever throw down a check down, baby.

You think you're going to get killed?

It would be like the Apollo.

We'd all killed the talent shit.

Oh, my God, dude.

I'd have so many naked black men laughing.

You're about to do it again.

I'm like, here, dick looks like a damn

armadillo, sucking up ants out of a hill, pimping.

So it's all right, man.

It is all right.

I like him, man.

Also, it's like a missile.

That damn crazy.

He goes, yo, he come in on a blitz like a, that boy a missile.

That was one of the coolest things I saw.

Debo Samuel on a podcast, and they were asking about Mustafa, number six, on the 49ers.

And he, and Debo just goes, that boy a missile.

And I was like, that's one of the coolest ways I've ever heard of football.

Stealing that.

He's going to use that one.

But I think, okay, coming out of college, I'm 22 years old.

What's the car look like?

You're going to get a buying SUV of some sort.

You're currently driving a 96 Corolla.

Yeah, I got a 96 Dodge Stratus, which is what I had.

Okay.

White Dodge Stratus.

I'm getting ready.

You had a white car?

I had a white.

No tins.

No tins.

No tins white car.

Never got pulled over.

True.

Never got pulled over.

They thought I was a city vehicle.

That's funny.

How's my driving demo?

Dude, this guy works for the road.

Oh, 1-800 Dan.

I think I saw one of the guys from the city over there swerving to

the water department.

That's a water department vehicle.

That guy's just going to read meters.

I'm not going to pull him over.

I would, I think, first things first, you want to hook up,

I want to get my mom a house.

Okay.

That's like a legit thing where I just always have a bunch of people.

Okay, so you were talking.

So you got 2 mil.

No, you're right.

All right, hold on.

2 mil.

I think what agents, NFL, depending on when you get drafted, NFL takes you up to like 5%.

It depends on what round you go, I believe.

I wouldn't be surprised if they're up to 10.

But wait,

if the signing bonus bonus is 2 million, what's the contract looking like?

I mean, I don't know.

What are we talking about?

10?

Also, what state is this a state where most of your games aren't paying income?

If I'm drafted by the Bucs or the Dolphins or the Jaguars, then there's no profits.

Province, Cowboys, Texans, Cowboys.

Texans, Cowboys,

Raiders now.

Vegas, yeah.

I think if it's in a state.

Okay.

Let's just say

you got a good chunk, but a house is going to be...

Oh, you don't want her in some fucking store.

What's mom's pack out of it?

You know what?

You're right.

I think instead of a house, I buy mom a car.

I just get her.

Give her to show her.

She got a new.

Nah, nah, nah.

But I'm going to get her like

something.

That's nothing down.

That's a thousand dollar a month payment.

You got two mil.

You're good.

And

are you buying this house in the city you're playing, or are you keeping it in her hometown?

Hometown.

So you're going to go back.

Need my roots.

Okay.

Got to stay level ahead of all this money coming in.

All this pussy getting through now.

Listen,

if I don't have a girlfriend that was really hot at Penn State while I was a linebacker there, You know what I mean?

Oh, you would.

Yeah, but I also feel like those chicks are smart.

I feel like those are starter wives.

They know they're getting clipped.

They know they're getting clipped.

Especially if you go to a city like Miami or Tampa.

But I don't feel like that's the case, though.

I feel like a lot of these guys, they have a good head on their shoulders.

They know the girl is like, loves them for them.

They want to be a part of the team and shit like that.

You know what I mean?

They're holding on to that.

There are women.

They're all cheating, but still.

There are women that excel at being wives and girlfriends.

The wags.

There are women that are born to be wags.

They just know how to dress nice,

be friends with the other wives, and then they'll chat with them.

They're very social.

Yeah, they're very filthy.

Do a dinner for kids without ears.

What?

And then you got to shake hands.

Dinner is ready.

That's what I'm writing a check for.

Or those kids that look old when they're little.

I've been running that commercial a lot.

It stopped.

With the Shriners?

Stop it.

The Shriners do good work.

They do great work.

The Shriners commercials on the Walker, Texas.

I've been watching more Walker Texas Rangers.

It's on.

But that kid in the wheel.

That kid moves tickets.

He's a fucking natural Shriners.

Joey just added a second show in Pittsburgh.

Yeah, he got to see it.

Dude, he is.

Don't forget.

I'm going to be at Carnegie Hall.

You can donate to Shriners.

We're going to hell.

I'll let you do Voice.

You can't do that.

I got the bear blanket at the house.

I want them to start saying spooky shit in those commercials where they go.

With the eyes of a raven.

I've seen your future, warrior.

I would If I were that little shrug.

I steal your breath when you're sleeping.

Send $5.

What?

I'm in your dreams.

I am the third-eye raven.

And you go, oh, fuck.

Oh, my God.

Oh, this fucking little ball.

Turn around.

He's in your house.

What car are you guys getting?

Same situation.

Escalade.

Same situation.

Escalade?

What is this?

05?

The new Escalades are hot.

Dummer.

And that's my, that's, that was

05, 50 cent, spinners, Lambo doors.

I might do that now.

Can I tell you right now?

If I can convince my wife to let me get a maroon Escalade truck with the pickup truck, the EXT or whatever, Doto Lambo doors, couple of spinners or the still rims.

TVs on the back of the headsets.

Yeah, that's the cat.

Also, it has to be the year you would have graduated.

So for me, it would have been 94.

Man, I'd have been hanging.

I'd have been down at the fucking Viper room with Johnny.

That's spiking out.

He's dead.

They didn't even.

You would be taking OxyContin not thinking they were addictive.

it's all propaganda.

They're spinning you.

Purdue Pharma would have had your ass.

I move it next door to them.

Yeah, I just chomp.

I'm a chomp machine.

So I'm 05.

So I'll tell you right now what I'd get.

Because listen, I'm coming out of Penn State.

I'm a real

glue guy in the locker room.

Glue guy.

Middle linebacker with a neck roll.

I'm plugging the A gap.

I'm plugging the A gap.

I got a visor.

Sure.

I'm buying an 05

Forest Green Dodge Durango.

Whoa,

a Durango?

My uncle had one.

I thought he was a pimp for a while.

I'm not going to lie.

Even our conversation right now might gas me up if I move out to the country.

In front of those things, man, if they hit you, you're dead.

There's a high center of gravity on that Jones.

You get the high ground.

That's all Sydney.

He'll fuck out, dude.

I have the high ground, Anakin.

Dude, this is.

What do you have to say as I smash into a fucker?

That would crumple Ikea like a core's light.

Crazy.

Dude, a Saturn would be like a fucking.

Oh, my God.

So, okay, so 94,

you're getting.

That's a hot card in, like a Corvette or something with a T-top?

I'll be honest with you.

Stu to Baker or something.

If it was 94, I would get, like, I would get the.

Was that college in 94?

Come on out of the morning.

No, I'd be going in the college.

98.

So, yeah, if I graduated.

I'm leaving a couple years earlier.

Yeah, what are we talking about?

You're leaving as a sophomore.

What are we, nuts?

96.

I probably, at that time, would have gotten a Camry and just murdered it out.

Like, rimmed.

They were so great back then.

Toyota Camry.

96 Camry.

That's like when they used to make soda with real sugar.

Yeah.

You're like, I'd scoop one of those.

Probably.

No way you're making MVP with a fucking Camry.

I think he is, though.

And then they're like, and then the story's like, he's just a guy.

A regular guy.

A hard-working.

Then I'd have a Hummer.

A military one.

Before they switched over.

You're talking about.

The one that Chorcheneg or Fortune.

I was just going to say.

The one where you pull up with the butt of a cigar hood.

Sorry, yeah.

You already did a lot of work that day.

Sorry, traffic's a little heavy.

One One of those, the chain, townhouse with the boys.

Have the boys down there.

So you're padding your house.

That's always the townhouse you die in.

That's like when you keep beside me.

I think you're on to something.

That's always where you get there.

You don't die in there.

Your turtle does.

Your boy dies in there.

I think you're on to something because

I think I'm getting a nice townhouse in the playing city.

Yes.

City I'm playing in.

Something nice.

And I'm moving in my weed man.

That's pretty good.

You're not going to fail a drug test.

You're going to lose your.

You got a a morality clause in your contract i also got a piss guy yeah you get somebody to piss this guy what's his name made it through yeah this guy's pretty bulletproof

who's the kid from the dolphins uh ricky williams yes he needs to go get a piss guy got pinched a couple of times but still he had a pet he quit because he didn't want to quit smoking weed i mean i don't know but have you tried his weed it's really good he's got his own weed this guy's on strain ricky's all about that life yeah dude i love it i

i would love to get hired ricky williams i would love to get higher with ricky williams that conversation has to be brutes i don't know have you ever he's great yeah i just saw something with him.

I was like, I turned up.

I thought he was great.

I just saw that same thing.

I love it when he said he couldn't.

He's like, I couldn't have played those games and done that well if I wasn't smoking weed.

Well, he said, like, there was a moment where he was like in his own head, he was like, and then he got the guy was like, you got to smoke.

And he got high.

And then he was like, like a bad after-school movie.

Yeah, but that it's the opposite of an after-school movie.

He started trucking people.

He started ripping 300 of games.

Sure.

Dude, him at Texas.

I remember.

Yeah, I don't remember the college.

I remember the him at the at the University of Texas was badass.

He was probably doing all

the visor and he was just running through motherfuckers.

Visor for sure.

Oh, orange visor.

Yeah.

Orange mirrored visor.

I'm going visor.

When you're showing up to the, that's a big thing now, the fit check when you're showing up to the stadium.

But back in the 90s, it wasn't.

So you're showing up just like jeans and a t-shirt.

I would do a team's sweatsuit.

Team sweatsuit.

Travis Kelsey showing up in that Saturday Night Fever outfit.

I mean, dude, he's got him growing his hair.

As someone with hair tits,

bless you, as someone with hair tits, I think Kelsey got hair tits.

Really?

I like his hair like that.

I didn't like it when he had the buzzkit.

It's thicker.

It's gonna look good.

I don't know.

You know how, like, women, I say this on stage, but it's true.

You know how women with fake breasts can tell when other women get fake breasts?

Sure.

That's how it is with my hair transplant.

Where now I see people with hair transplants and I go,

he got work done.

Where did you go?

You didn't go to Turkey, did you?

Nah.

Right here in the city, Delaware.

Like a mascar wife.

I've consulted your guy.

I've consulted.

He's been pushed on me a little bit.

Oh, yeah.

He's great.

Did you go in there and have him do the...

No, I poked around a website a little bit.

I just can't.

I don't care enough.

There you go.

It's already too far gone.

You did it when no one went,

the day that you touched up.

Now it would be.

You'll look fine.

Yeah, that's fine.

I have a weird head, dude.

How old were you when you got him?

It was like

three years ago.

Okay.

It's like three and a half years ago.

I don't know.

Also, like, I'm already married.

At this point, we got a little bit bit of success.

I ain't on TV.

YouTube special Route 66 at best.

Out now.

Out now.

Go stream it.

Go watch it.

But it's also like, our brand is we're fat dumb idiots who smoke sigs and drink beers.

Ridge wallet.

I would not have been comfortable getting hair transplants unless I immediately wrote a bit about it.

Sure.

Because I had to make some fun of myself about it.

Which I have to say has never happened.

I've never even heard it happen.

But like, my biggest fear would not be getting them and people being like,

yo, did you get

hair transplant?

It would be me walking into the room, no one saying anything, and then me walking out, and everybody being like, What in the fuck is

that?

That would kill me.

I'm not gonna name that.

His forehead was bleeding.

I'm not gonna

see that picture of the guy on the flight where his head was bleeding, and they were like, Yo, you gotta stop.

And he was like, He's got a hair transplant, and he was like, I can't do anything.

And they're like, They had to like land the plane because his head was bleeding.

Dude, the one guy at the bar stole just did it.

They sent like 10 guys over to get all get it done and made like a series out of it.

Oh, really?

And uh, the one dude's head swilled up too.

So insane.

Show mine.

I would, dude, I would.

That looks great.

I didn't even know you had that.

So mine.

That's fantastic.

When I went and got it done, I got the surgery right.

And then

they were like, you got to ice your head.

You got to ice your head.

But you also worried about the scar because the one I got is where they cut the strip off.

So my doctor was like, just worry about the scar.

I didn't ice my head enough.

And then I went to visit my grandma in

the cranium can do show.

Dude, it came out like I was reading minds.

I had to wear a hat.

I am the third eye Raven.

Do you you wear rude of 45 to Autobahy 16?

I promise you,

I think I could pull up the picture.

That would scare the shit out of me, dude.

But I knew, I looked it up immediately.

I called my doctor.

I was like, yo, my head's fucking swelling.

He's like, holy shit!

What did you do?

Hey, Doc, I can see the future.

Is that normal?

Yeah, he's like, I go,

hold on, I'm getting Powerball.

No, no, it's happening again.

Cherry, Cherry.

Do you want me to tell you what your thing is?

Hey, Doc, watch out.

That car's going to be.

Wait, what do you mean the back of the head, you got sliced?

They pull, they take strips out.

I thought

you didn't do the dots.

You did the strip.

Yeah, my guy, I did the full one.

That's what I say in the joke.

I ain't a half-stepper.

I fucking worked.

So they pulled, like, rip a strip of your jaw off, your back.

Yeah, they take the back of your head and then they put it up here.

Huh.

And then they plug it in.

That's for like...

So you guys would understand my logic behind this.

The guy goes, we can do the little.

And he goes, it might work.

Or cut the back of your head off.

It works for the rest of your life.

Better to cut it back.

Or for 10 grand more.

I mean, for real.

Yeah.

They were like for 10 grand more, we could fucking do that.

Did it hurt?

Yeah, I mean, there you go.

I look like a fucking...

Dude, that does not look like

I mean, you're cutting off that.

If you showed me that and said, who is this?

Yeah.

Never in a million years would I say Danny Sodes, glue guy in the locker room.

He's not even a hockey game.

Yo, let me show you.

Why do you have the mask on?

Because

I had to wear it for a pandemic.

It was during the pandemic.

I got mine done right at the end of the pandemic.

That's pretty good.

You can fly it.

But dude, let me show you.

I don't know if you could tell the lump in my forehead.

Yeah.

Oh, that's, I mean.

I'll give this to Mike so we can edit into the podcast.

But it's like you can see.

And then the one on the plane is the funniest one because I'm like, oh, dude.

Can you see in the middle where my eyes are?

A little bit, yeah.

It started like losing air.

I see it, but that's not bad.

How far out of sight?

That was like a week after.

that.

Yeah.

But the thing about doing it in Turkey is you have to fly all the way back to the United States.

And that's the thing.

And it's like, I wouldn't want it, though.

And you got to be in Turkey.

Dude, I saw a guy, I was just in

Germany, and I saw a guy, he's like, you're connecting, and he's standing in line.

His head's all swollen.

And he's like, wait,

you're group four for sure.

Like to mid-accurate.

Yeah.

Dude, and the thing is, is you have to soak.

That pressure change, too, on a plane.

Dude, this is one of the funniest parts.

Follicles popping.

So the guy's like, the guy's like, because you can't see my scar now.

I did a really good job of like, but my doctor was like, you got to soak it in warm water.

You got to soak the back of your head in warm water.

You lay in a bathtub?

I do draw a night.

I do love a nice tubby time.

Well, let me tell you,

that was part of figuring it out.

So at first, I bought like a...

See, I'm a tub guy.

My head went right there because I laid in a tub last night and soaked.

I put my ears under.

You got a fish bowl tape to the back of your head.

I had to buy like a tub, like an inflatable tub off Amazon that is like for like old people to like wash their hair.

Uh-huh.

And it's like an inflatable thing that you put on the ground and fill it full of water.

And you can do it.

So my dumbass, the first time I have to do this, I inflate, I inflate it so it's like up, you know, and you put Ebson salt.

That's like the thing.

So it can.

Are you doing just plain?

You're doing like a lavender or something.

No, I'm doing plain Epsom salt.

I just I'm a shea butter honeyman.

What are you talking about?

That gets in the cut.

Yeah, you got to do that.

Yeah, but it relaxes you at the same time.

You're stressed out.

You just had surgery.

Your body's went through trauma.

You're getting infected,

but also relaxed.

You die of jasmine poisoning.

Why,

I haven't seen this since the 16th century.

He's dying of jasmine poisoning.

Listen, if I can't take a tubby, I ain't doing it.

So this is how dumb I am.

And you'll understand how dumb I am.

So I fill this thing up with water.

We're in.

Katie's place in Jersey and I put it in the bathroom floor.

And I go, I'll just lay on the bathroom floor and I'll soak my head.

Totally.

I'm in my fucking Nike shorts, shirtless.

I just lay down and I put my head and the second I put my head down, the water just splashes over the side, comes down my back, down my ass.

I was like, ah, ah, ah,

wake up like inception.

And then I fucking, I was like, oh, I'm an idiot.

I have to go in the tub.

But then what I, but we didn't, I'm too big for the tub.

So I had to go.

We're too big for the tub, too.

We had a standing shower.

I had to put my legs against the wall.

Yeah, that's how you got to do it like i'm also too big

i don't have a king's tub i'm too big for a tub you gotta you gotta go feed up you don't you feel so vulnerable i hope my wife doesn't walk oh my god my asshole's face in the door oh my god the dog will pop and the way your nuts are resting it's bad and your ween

it's just dude your weans like it's like when a baby's getting a diaper change the peas in its mouth

but dude i had to go and uh my grandma was still alive and i was like going to see her so i had to bring my little inflatable pub and then I'd be like, I'm going to take a shower, Nana.

She didn't understand.

You got a bike pump in the garage?

I got a generator hooked up to it.

This thing fucking fills quick.

But I would go up there and fucking soak my dome.

And my grandma would be like, you take so much time in the shower.

And you're like,

I told her.

I was like, I got hair surgery.

And she's like, what's hair surgery?

Yeah, they'd take that can.

Yeah.

I was explaining a 5G to them.

But also, shout out for that generation.

They walked so I could run.

They had to wear fucking toupes and shit.

Wear a rug.

Yeah, I wear a rug.

Was that ever an option?

No.

For me?

Hey, would you ever wear a piece of it?

You know, I'm at the point now where if I just keep it tight, I just keep it short and it's fine and it's just going to go.

I'm just going to keep getting, stay on top of it, just keep getting shorter and shorter and riding into the sunset.

Louis looks good like that.

That's what, dude, my dad had all my uncle.

It's like, that's the head I'm supposed to have.

Look, I'd be going against the fucking.

I'd be going against God if I changed it.

My family is supposed to have this head.

Yeah,

that's the part of my bit where I say I really am defying God's will.

Yeah.

But because

if I had any.

And you're going to hell, but that's your business.

But Satan's going to be like, look at the hair.

I'm going to burn that off first.

But if I had any kind of decent shaped head, I would have gone bald.

I would have just gone bald.

I would have had the cul-de-sac.

I would have had the cul-de-sac and like a goatee.

I'm going to just keep the facial and then just start slowly going.

But dude,

I saw what it looked looked like.

He showed me what it would look like, and I was like, Brother,

cut me open.

Yeah.

The second he said that.

And I was also like, dude, I don't know.

I've always been a fan of fake tits.

Why not get the mail?

If you went that route and did the coat, you would have had to become like a fucking, you know, like a fitness coach for like a high school team or something.

I'd have to get so jacked.

I would have to get so jacked if I had a weird bald head.

Drive a Subaru or something.

Oh my God.

Now drive like a Tacoma and just get fucking into lifting.

Always have chalk on my hands.

Sure.

Sure.

Tight bike shorts.

Oh, my God, dude.

White socks halfway up the ankle.

But the quads would be popping.

Popping.

You ain't lying, dog.

But so if you, so if we come out of college and we sign a deal.

I'm getting hair transplants right away.

I'm spending my money.

You're not in 05.

Didn't have the technology.

Do pay something.

Wear my helmet all day long.

Yeah.

He goes,

done, that.

You got the cash.

You got the muscles.

It didn't matter.

You go, Durang.

That's true.

Yeah.

I am urban.

Yeah, dude.

You are urban.

That's how I get in with the boys in the locker room.

They go, dude,

I can't do the voices.

I got to do something.

They go, hey, KO, KO.

Where do you get that wave cap at?

She.

I like him.

He goes, hit like a motherfucker.

Hit like a missile.

You need a missile.

One gold teeth.

Oh, dude.

I mean.

I'd get a grill.

0-5, 0-5 girls were big.

I'm going to Houston.

I'm talking to Paul Wall.

Bun B or something.

Yeah, dude.

I'm going down and talking to Paul Wall.

Pow Wall.

People champ.

You have to have a jeweler.

He's having a jeweler somewhere.

You got to have a jeweler somewhere.

Yeah.

Do you remember Jacob the Jeweler?

Go to Jacob, Flossy, Ice My Wrist Up.

So when I was.

He was like.

I mean, he was in every song.

My freshman year.

Their shops were never nice, though.

Isn't that weird?

I mean, Jacob's Jeweler on 57th was a big one.

But his original one, remember, I've seen his original one.

It was like upstairs.

If I'm thinking of the same guy, I don't know.

It was like a regular thing, and he had like $5 million pieces.

You don't got a window or nothing like that.

They don't want street traffic traffic coming in.

It's like, come upstairs on the fifth floor to my fucking, to my vault.

Through several forms of security.

Yeah.

But when I was in between freshman and sophomore year,

McDaniel was at Yale playing wide receiver.

It's pretty good.

Yeah, and he was like.

He was going to the Broncos training camp.

This is before they had like the facilities.

So they were at Northern Colorado, the college.

That's where they would do their training camp up in Greeley.

And McDaniel was like, hey, I'm going to go up to Greeley to work out with the Broncos strength and conditioning coach with Kyle Shanahan, who was playing receiver at Texas.

Right.

So they were going to go work out, which is crazy because they're both head coaches in the NFL.

Yeah.

But he was like, do you want to go up to Greeley?

To watch a Broncos practice, which is like, dude, that linebacking core back then was Al Wilson, DJ Williams, Ian Gold.

Unbelievable.

Jewish kid?

Yeah.

He was like, I'm going to hit you.

It's going to hurt both of us.

You may know my cousin Jacob.

At my bar mitzvah, they said I had a nose for the ball.

That's what they said.

They said he'll sniff out a run.

If there's a pile on, he's going to sniff that.

I need a kosher meal on the flight.

Also, it's got to be kosher.

No berry and meal.

They're on the plane.

I got Ian's meal again.

Hey, man, how best would you be?

Oh, man, this shit tastes weird.

He goes,

it's kosher, so it's okay with garbage.

Is that my Gefilter fish?

Oi Vey, Carla Blitz.

Wait, did you go to college?

Yeah, I went to the University of Arizona.

You went to the.

Oh, okay.

That's pretty good.

Yeah, I mean, it's.

When you guys are in high school, he's taken off to Yale.

You go to the University of Arizona.

I mean, Arizona was...

I was...

That's a good time, though.

Not for me.

I was broke, and I wasn't,

didn't have the Riz.

Didn't have the charisma.

I know the Riz's family.

His grades are that good?

Because there's no scholarships at no thystery.

McDaniel was a great student.

Very good student.

And

he went to Yale.

All of our friends, most of us went to like, most of my friends went to like CSU, Northern Colorado.

But the ones that went out of state, I went to Arizona.

That's pretty good, man.

My friend Johnny went to UNLV.

Our other friend Adam went to Duke.

And then Mike went to...

The Running Rebel.

I've always been petrified of UNLV just from back in the 80s.

Basketball teams.

Larry Johnson.

They were fucking

Tarkanian.

Dude, I would go visit my buddy Johnny at UNLV, and it was like, the way we treat Times Square is the way they treat the strip.

Because you'd be like, let's go to the strip.

And they're like, I'm not going to fucking strip.

That's how I found out about off-the-strip sports books.

Yeah.

Where when, you know, because I had a fake ID, so I'd want to go drink or whatever.

And Johnny, we had a, we had an older friend that went to our high school, Sean, that lived on my block.

And he was living out there.

And he'd be like, no, no, no, we'll go gamble.

And this is before the boom we're in right now where it was like, yeah, gamblers were gamblers.

This is is what you were TBS.

You were the scum of, you were looked down upon.

Yes.

This is sodas and coffee cups.

Yes.

Yeah.

And so we went to

this off-the-strip sports book and I remember drinking like a Corona and being like, yo, these motherfuckers are CD.

Yeah.

They're like CD.

But Johnny would tell me, like, bet on baseball, it's the most consistent.

Sure.

Like, they had all these like Vegas rules where you're like, you learn all the tips.

Dude, for real.

Learned how to play cards by going and visiting him a lot.

And then.

I got a valet that can get us cranked.

Dude, for real.

He'd be like, no, no, no, we'll go down to this place.

I know it's...

Swing by fucking

shit.

They also know like buffet deals.

Yeah.

Johnny's cooking.

And you get steaks.

And you're like, oh, it was awesome.

So we went.

McDaniel was like, hey, do you want to go?

Do you want to go to a Broncos practice?

And I was like, yeah, sure.

And then we made friends with...

This might have been between my senior year and freshman year of college, but we made friends with the special teams coach's son.

Nice.

Derek Bush.

Derek, if you watch this, I hope you're doing well.

We were friends for a brief moment.

Shout out D Money.

D Money, but Derek was the shit.

His dad, Frank Bush, was the special teams coordinator for the Broncos.

And Derek was like a kid from Atlanta.

He's just this cool black kid from Atlanta, moved to Aurora, Colorado, got along with McDaniel and all of us because we were just smoking weed all the time.

And Derek was like, got that.

Atlanta accent.

And he was like, hey, Dan, you want to drive up with me?

Smoke on the way up there?

Smoke up.

He's like, you want to smoke?

And I was like, absolutely.

That's all I want to do.

So, yes.

So, McDaniel and I think our friend Chad drove up in a different car to go to the practice.

And Derek and I drove up in my car, smoked weed the entire drive.

High as fuck.

We get there.

You know how black dudes from the south call their dad daddy?

Sure.

It's like kind of someone without a dad.

I always thought that was weird.

And he's like, hey, we got to go.

I got to drop my stuff off at my daddy's room and then we can go to practice.

And I was like, for sure, no problem.

So we go into the dorms.

He drops his stuff off.

We're so high.

We look like a dare ad.

Like, our eyes are that red.

We're fucking zooted.

You got to talk to the team.

Dude, Foley, I swear to God, we drop the stuff off.

It's in the dorms.

There's an elevator.

We get on the elevator.

We go down a level.

Brian Greasy, Rod Smith, and Shannon Sharp get into the elevator with us.

What's up, Daddy?

Dude, I'm I'm high as fuck.

I'm high as fuck.

Shannon next to me.

He's a massive human being.

Shannon Sharp stood next to me.

I'm 6'3.

He is way bigger than me.

Yeah.

He's cool as fuck.

And he gets on the elevator.

This is seared in my brain because I'm high and I'm like, oh, fuck.

Brian Greasy, Rod Smith.

And I'm a Niners fan.

So I'm just kind of like, but I'm still star scope.

Yeah, it's crazy.

Shannon Sharp looks at Derek and he looks at me and he's standing right next to me and he's like talking to Derek.

So I'm like looking at it and he goes, hey, Derek, I ain't going to tell your daddy what you up to like that.

And I was like,

like the way Shannon Sharp said it, he goes, I ain't going to tell your daddy what you up to.

So I was like, you're the bad news in the situation.

You're hanging out with these white devils.

Scrubby ass white kid.

And dude, I was so fucking scared.

And we got off that elevator.

I was like, are we in trouble?

Because it was like 01.

Weed was still very much illegal.

And I was like, are we in trouble?

Are we going to be in trouble?

And Derek was like, man, shannon cool as don't worry about it and i was like okay all right and i'm like you know white freak out

uh i just feel like if i should leave tell me if i should leave dude we walked around making it real awkward yeah you can't make it worse you can't get out in front of this thing you know you can't get out of the stadium you like begging on lockstep

i hit john elway in the dick he's like oh

um but we Dude, I remember we were like, I was freaking out.

And he's like, no, it's all good.

Let's go in the locker room.

And I was like, what?

And so we just go in the locker room.

But Derek, like, knew Shannon Sharp.

Yeah.

Like, they knew, because he's a coach's kid.

Yeah, he's sitting around.

He's a teenager.

So they, like, talk to him, like, you know, they got jokes with him and shit.

That's got to be fun.

It was really cool.

We walk in the locker room.

Shannon Sharp's getting changed for practice.

You know, he's in his football pants at this time.

So, you know, nothing inappropriate.

But we're in the locker room and Derek's like comfortable with him.

So Derek goes, oh, is that that Jacob the Jeweler watch?

And Shannon Sharp goes, yeah, try it it on.

And he puts it on.

It was one with the yellow, red, and blue in the face.

Heavy.

Heavy.

And, dude, I'll never forget this till the day I die.

Derek's like looking at it.

He's like, oh, shit.

And I'm just standing off to the side.

And Shannon Sharp goes, your white friend want to try it on?

Like that?

That's all he said.

He goes, why don't you let your white friend try it on?

I don't know why I'm just a white friend.

Does that crusty ass hunky want to touch my shit?

Why don't you get that white devil to touch my watch?

Tell him to wash his hands.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Hey, oppressor.

And I was like, oh, fuck.

But, But, dude, I put it on, and there was a moment where I felt like the shit.

I was doing the mason.

I was doing the fucking.

He's flying in a red suit.

Are you wearing a chain during the game?

If I'm in the NFL?

Yes.

Ah,

yeah, but it's Christian.

I can't, of course.

What are we doing?

Of course.

I can't believe more guys do that and that there's like an unwritten rule.

The first thing I would do was rip one of those, would be rip one of those.

Well, that was the Crabtree-Richard Truman thing.

That was their beef.

That was their...

Well, it was Crabtree and someone else.

It was Crabtree and

I forget which corner did it, but they fucking snatched his hair.

You had long hair.

Like, I'd be grabbing kiddles here.

It's like

that's part of the jury.

It's considered part of the jury.

But it's an unwritten rule.

They don't.

Usually.

Cut your fucking hair.

Yeah, dude.

Goddamn, what is a gridiron, dog?

I'd be so caddy.

You think I'm coming out first round out of fucking Penn State without fucking grabbing some hair play?

I'm a white kid trying to make a name for myself.

I look like I sell iguanas in fucking Jacksonville.

I just got fucking long, dreaded, fucking cul-de-sac hair.

I mean, dude,

if you're an NFL player and someone pulls your hair, how tempting is it to go, ah,

oh, fuck.

Hey, man.

Fuck you doing that.

Oh, fuck.

Play that shit here.

He's like, stop doing that.

That's funny.

Yeah, dude.

But, I mean, you come out of the NFL with more than $2 million.

You're getting a chain.

Got to.

If you you were in the 2000s, let's say I wouldn't now.

I'm a little more subtle of a guy.

You switch the sports.

Let's say you're a first-round draft pick in the MLB.

Are you getting

we talking?

Outfielder.

You getting a Cuban link?

I got a big thing about this because

we're just talking about it.

A little more subtle, I feel, baseball.

You got training camp, then you got spring training.

I'd much rather be at spring training.

Oh, my God.

Doesn't it seem like they're just having catches and getting steak and massages and hanging out?

I lived in Tucson where spring break is.

That energy is like, it is down there.

It's warm.

It's cold where the city is where they play.

I got two words: local skanks.

Hanging doing.

Dude, I know a couple T-holes that were just going around spring training looking for some Rockies pussy.

A couple of hostesses that know to keep their mouths shut.

Yeah, they maybe work at the seafood place during the winter.

Spring training coming in hot.

Yeah, dude, I think if

I were a major leaguer, I would get...

I don't like when you see crusty white dudes with chains because that's big right now in MLB.

Everybody's got a necklace.

Everybody's got them.

I have a.

I bought a.

I bought a Cuban link.

You bought a Cuban link?

Yeah.

How much?

It was like one of those cheap ones.

I bought it for something.

It's too big and too.

It's like a joke.

It's too big and too tight for this guy.

He doesn't have the sinker ball to be pulled at all.

You got to get more movement on your pitch, brother.

I was friends with,

back when I was like good friends with Pete Davidson, when he was like young, and he was on Wildin' Out, he spent his money on a Cuban link.

He's like, I bought a pretty expensive Cuban link and it was like a fat, thick one.

And you're like, I respect it.

When we did our first sold-out show at Helium, we wanted to take all the money and rent a helicopter to fly from New York to Philly.

But

it was a bit, because the bit is we couldn't afford to fly back.

So we take the bus back.

Put a Greyhound on the bus.

But But it was just like we were like, let's do this for an Instagram video.

We'll get in a fucking helicopter.

Fly fucking 30 minutes to the show, but then also have to like land.

It wasn't like you'd be landing on top of it.

You're doing helium on it like a Wednesday.

A walnut landing on the fucking roof on Walnut Street.

There's something awesome about spending all the money.

I mean, Shaq's first story.

He's like, I spent all the money.

That was one of my favorite things about young Connor McGregor.

He was like, I used to spend all my money so I had none, so I'd fight like him.

Stay hungry.

Yeah, so you fight like, and now he's crazy.

Yeah.

Now he's just out of his goddamn money.

He's good in the suit, though.

He's on what?

Drugs.

Oh, yeah.

He's all yaked up, yapped out.

He's on stuff we don't even know about.

Uh-huh.

You get that kind of IVs.

IVs.

When you get to the IV game,

when you get to the Michael Jackson level of drugs.

Well, it's like the drugs are just fighting the ups and the downs of life.

So you're like, I'm a little tired.

Let me take something.

Oh, that's kicking in too much.

Let me take something to get it down.

And you're just fucking

a doctor on the payroll coming in at night and putting you in night night.

Have you had the shit that Michael Jackson died from?

I think I might have.

Have you had surgery recently?

Yeah, I might have had a little propofol.

Propofol, that's what it is.

I had an endoscopy and they gave me propofol.

Maybe.

So I just had an endoscopy and a colonoscopy.

They might have given me that.

I'm getting it done in like three weeks.

Nice.

You got them done at the same time?

I haven't done the same time.

Dr.

Ian Gold?

No, I wish.

Sounds good, though.

Ian Goldson.

Dr.

Ian Gold, former outside linebacker from the Denver Broncos.

That's a huge image when he got in.

oh, wow, I'm going to double penetrate you.

I'm going to put one in your ace and one in your fucking mouth.

My gastro guy is about 100 years old.

The lady, the doctor that did my actual procedure was the hottest girl I've ever seen in my life.

And I'm like, man, you're about to see my asshole.

You're about to see.

You got to lay on your side.

Well, they do the endoscopy first.

Right?

Yeah,

then they flip me over.

I just got the stuff from the bottom.

I got a drink the mouth.

Can I be awake for it?

I want to make a bunch of people.

I'll be a dirty bitch

they pull it out I go you don't have to rinse it off

I go propofol I'm saving that for later I pocketed that I tried to play it cool when I came out yeah and everything looks she was like

dude you come out though and you feel it feels awesome you feel I fought it as hard as I could before they put me to sleep too

as hard as I could just to get that little little ride yeah you go

you go 10 98 later dude but I had an angiogram a couple years ago, and they think they used fentanyl.

And this was a Twilight Sleep.

And like halfway through,

I could feel the thing going on my arm.

I had to tell the kid.

I was like, what are you saving this for the weekend?

Fucking you hit me.

The fuck are we doing here?

You just giving thumbs up?

Yeah, dude.

In the middle of the procedure.

Let's go.

A little bit more.

What the fuck?

What is it?

He's still up.

Is your boss here?

What the fuck?

I know.

If you're in the middle of a surgery and you just see a hand go,

hey, turn it off.

And you go, oh, fuck, oh, fuck.

Can we get a drink or something?

Something stronger.

Yeah.

The propofol, I woke up after my endoscopy.

This is like seven years ago.

And I looked at the nurse and I go, can I get another one?

She was like, no, we're not giving, it's not a drink.

I was like, I'm an addict.

I had that with morphine after a surgery.

I came out fucking, I had that, you know, you get the halo?

Oh, yeah.

I had that around my arm.

It's called an external fixer.

It was like bars coming out.

And I woke up.

It was bad.

I woke up screaming to that to be restrained because I was moving my arm, and they were like, I've grinded.

They came over and they hit me with the first, like, whatever, three cc's of morphine, and that like

a little bit, and I'm like, more.

And then they came

like, dude, the warm, it's like, close as you can get the arrow, and I start hearing the doors,

everything's

like, well, the day discards the night, nine desires today, Saigon.

I'm still in Saigon.

Kiss me.

Kiss me.

We're going to liberate these Vietnamese.

Yeah, you need fucking.

All along the watch, Devon starts.

I don't know.

No, no, no, no, no.

You go, hey, what's your name?

You soft hits.

She's like, leave me alone.

Bombs are going off in the distance.

I suck to football.

So that's why this fantasy of how much you, what do you do with your money?

It's the best.

I would for sure blow it.

At that age, I mean, I blew it up until a year ago.

These kids aren't doing this too.

i'm definitely blowing it at 21.

i uh but i broke my shoulder and i had to have uh like i fractured my humeral head jesus freshman football that's how bad i sucked but uh came in like a missile though came in like a fucking missile

was actually on an on-site kick i'm a pussy i was actually i actually tripped over someone's helmet on the sidelines it was in the log room

but i was at the talent show

i was doing my tap dancing and i said the strobe lights blinded me went for the worm i was it's like butters did i ever tell you that i was dude did the devil sticks at a talent show so embarrassing dude i swear

sixth okay you're okay i'm on the fence but you still don't want pussy that much i was so i was really good at them right but so we did like i was good at my were you doing dueling or was it just you just me right and i'm on fire

can you walk us through can you walk us through the day leading up to the talent i think i yeah because you bring your devil sticks with you.

Do you ride a bus to school?

No,

this is at a camp.

Oh, fuck.

It was even worse.

There was definitely an egg owaffle involved in the morning.

Yeah.

You had an egg a waffle and you go, everything starts right

when I don't let go of my in a napkin.

Yeah.

Sure.

Yeah, dressed.

I remember a steusy shirt, thought it was a performer.

I'm a street performer.

I'm like, you know what I mean?

I'm an artist at this point.

Yeah.

Baggy cargo shorts.

Like, I'm like trying to.

Anything in the side pockets?

Probably not.

No.

Why?

No girls' numbers.

I get that.

So when you're like leaving the cabin and you grab the sticks, are you like, you ready, boys?

Yeah, I'm like.

Let's go, girls.

We do.

I love that.

I love you getting ready and you being like,

stretching out.

Did you think it was going to murder?

Think.

Dude, they were going to carry me out of there.

It was.

It's a devil's sticks, Dan.

This is hacky sack.

This is Holland, Pennsylvania.

Not that many big acts come rolling through.

How much does

a set of those cost, by the way?

Sadly enough, I was borrowing them from my neighbor.

Ooh, where did you get?

I don't know.

It was the night.

You didn't know where to get there.

You had a traveling circus or something to get them.

You couldn't just go buy them at the mall.

You get a talk from the shop.

The devil had to give you his stick.

At the crossroads, fuck a Lucifer.

I'll give you these, but

only if you.

Only if you're sick and you rip it.

Are you going to go to camp and get all the pussy?

Dude, so I could do the one like spinning around the one i could do the double like fucking i could throw it up and fucking bring it back i was good right i was so good did you have music music right what was the song i forget the song he wakes up in the morning goes to me

the news

dude this was probably i'm in sixth grade that's where you get him in the parking lot of a dave matthew that's where you had to go i think that's how dave really made all his money he had to go down to dover you think these people like these songs?

This is just a way to peddle Devil's Day.

Yeah.

Two-Step is an instructional song about Devil's Day.

Two-step's a good thing, though.

I mean, come on, guys.

All right.

Do you act like I'm not a white guy from Colorado?

That thing kicks up.

That and crash.

I don't care who you are.

Rest of it, get me out of here.

It was 98, probably.

90, yeah, something like that.

So it was, you know, something, something of the time, for sure.

Something hot on the radio for.

Widespread Kevin, everybody.

Wide ass, Kevin.

Don't steal my sunshine.

Try to see.

Mad fibs.

Something upbeat, obviously.

You know, keep, get the crowd, engage the crowd.

Oh, you know what?

I'm doing a little bit of this.

Might have been the right time that you could have done.

Hey, now, you're an all-star.

Get your game on.

Go.

Is this you go like this?

Play.

Hey, now.

I'm pointing out the crowd.

I'm throwing it out.

Actually, Kevin 8.

Hey, now.

Wait, wait, start it over again.

I'm sorry.

I lost it in the lights.

That's what happened.

I didn't account for the lights package they were going to run during the show, Dan.

And I mean, I was a little disoriented.

That's when you were from a white snake concert the weekend before.

Did you like tape up your wrists or anything before the performance, or did you just go in?

I just went out.

I'm like, dude, I'm so good at the idea.

You were very confident.

Very confident.

We had done a dry run, like we, you know, when we did a dress rehearsal,

but they didn't do the lights because it was the daytime.

You know, people are still setting up the room, whatever.

Overconfident Devil Sticks Summer Camp Fat Kid.

That is a recipe for Virginia.

I'm going to tell you right now, that's a crash stew.

You're about to crash out, buddy.

Dude, and I'm like, this is, it was a little, I was a little off, a little loud.

You know what I mean?

You know, when you go out for a set, it's just, you're like,

it's just not here tonight?

It's spinning.

And I'm like, everything's a little delight, but it's okay.

And I go up.

And man, it just, the strobe lights hit the stick.

You lost the pop-up.

I just lost it, dude.

I don't know.

It just falls.

It didn't fall on you.

No, it just falls.

All right.

And then people are like, pulled a buckner.

Dude, and I just could.

I mean, I must have dropped it nine or ten times.

Oh, that wasn't it?

No, dude, just fucking.

Then at that point, your confidence is shot.

I can't even do the A plus B over here.

You're walking over, pick it up, go, no, no, no, hold on.

Give me a chance.

All right, that's a good one.

The CD starts skipping.

Hey, Dale.

Hey, now.

Hey, now.

Hey, now.

Hey, now.

That is your first intro to not being able to get it up.

Yeah.

That was like the first intro.

Women will never understand the energy of when you're having sex and your dick just won't work.

That first time in your life.

That never really happened in college.

First time freaked me out.

Dude, fuck me up.

This girl, Jessica, the girl I was dating, if you're watching this, I still want to apologize for you.

You have a lovely family now.

I know that.

I've seen it, but man, oh man.

Explaining this.

She watched the 20-year-old Dan

melt down.

It's weird.

Because you're so not used to to that.

The blood just didn't go through.

Was it who's involved?

Like, was you too?

Stone sober.

Whoa.

Whoa.

Maybe that was it.

I got the yips.

I got the boner yips.

Jesus.

You know what's funny?

Couldn't throw it first.

Dude, I couldn't throw the first.

I couldn't throw it back to the pitcher, dude.

Not blood.

I didn't do anything.

And then I was going home and jerking off, and I was like, well, this is fine.

So it works.

The equipment's fine.

A little bit of stage freight.

How many strobe lights?

It was this one girl I dated.

And then, dude, the funniest part was we broke up.

Like, obviously, she's not going to date a noodle wing.

No kidding.

Especially at that age.

Dude, I remember.

There's boners you could swing from walking around every block.

And I don't mean to be too erotic about it.

It's a protein, dog.

I know.

So funny is she was like,

We were like, I don't know.

I was like, maybe it's just, we like how she was like sweet about it.

She's like, maybe it's just like not right that we do it or whatever.

So let's just, you know, let's just go back to being friends or whatever.

Then we had sex on her back porch after we broke up.

My dick was like, I'm right here.

Yeah, so it was like the emotional.

No.

Was there any risk of getting caught?

No.

It was, I think, literally the freedom of breaking up.

And my dick was like, I'm in.

Yeah, yeah.

There's no emotional connection.

Yeah, not emotional, but there's no.

It was water.

There's no, it's a clean set of circumstances.

It was just, but immediately, she goes, let's break up.

And then I was like, all right, they were all horrid.

Are you horny right now?

For real.

And she's like, what?

Is it me?

Is there something in the air?

I don't know.

I feel look at how hard I am.

I've never been this, but dude, that's it.

Tell me you never want to see me again.

Dude, honestly, that was for my 20s.

If a girl's like, I don't want to see you again, you're like, whoop, you're about to get the best sex of your life.

But it really was like the first time it happens.

Because women, I'm sure, they like they're dry or they're just not, you know, they get rubber, rubber hooch.

Sure.

But when you're dick.

That's usually you.

That's usually us, too.

You're the prime pump.

You got to prime the pump.

Get down there, mouth to mouth.

Sure.

Mouth to lips.

Prime the pump is hilarious.

Jesus Christ, pump's prime.

She goes, these are romantic.

Come on, babe, how's the pump tonight?

Come on, you go.

It's running.

How's she running?

She's running.

Ready to go.

Had to play with the choke a little bit, but I got there.

I had to flip the hood.

Went from turtle to rabbit real quick.

I had to press that thing to put the hood.

What are you eating?

The gas in there.

What are you eating?

It's tangy.

But the idea of men, of like not being able to get your dick to work when you know it works is.

I've never had it.

And it's like, I mean, like, I guess like now as I've gotten older, like the second time around is like, I'm like, I'm one.

It's like I'm the second time at this age, this weight just ain't fucking happening.

Yeah.

So like, I'll like make a joke.

I'm like, it's, I'll be like, there's nothing.

This is, this is science.

It ain't.

Ticket is good for one ride.

Yeah.

Like, I just, I'm like, I'll laugh about it and be like, we're moving on.

What am I Latin?

I'm not going to fucking get it back up here.

I'm like two for 10 at this point yeah man i'm operating at a deficit

i'll have that sometimes not to be too vulgar when i'm jerking off i'll miss it yeah does that make sense

i'll like be like super charged up and i'll be right there and then something will happen dude and i'll just miss it and i'll know when you're like all right that happens in the shower y'all know what happened and you're like this ain't happening young men you're sweating in the shower you're looking at the three of us going There's no way it'll ever happen to you.

Then you hit your mid-30s.

There's this one day you're in a hotel room and you're jerking off and you go, what i don't even care about any of this i used to have that feeling what is it

that that hit me that hit me last night that's adult that's adulthood when you i was just like ah maybe i could fuck in my wife was sleeping i'm like maybe i could fucking snap one off real quick and i was literally locking i had to like check the front door to make sure it was locked i'm like yeah what's the point what do you think is like i'm gonna have to get like paper tag

more excited for a sandwich tomorrow you go you know what i could have a turkey just throw in the news for a minute

you go what is going on with palestine and you go fuck you over there.

Fuck, you know what?

I'm not into it anymore.

But I remember the feeling like when you were a kid and you jerk off and then afterwards, you know, Irish cat, you feel the guilt.

Oh.

But

it's so worse when you do it as an adult and then nothing in there, like it just comes and it goes.

You're just like,

yeah, you really are.

It's just this moment of like, I'm old.

I am old.

Gross.

That's why it's always boggled my mind.

My grandma was in a nursing home for the last couple of months of her life.

And they always talk about how those places are just like hedonistic boning.

It's just like old people boning.

But I think what happens is, just to bring it back to when I was 20 and I, my dick didn't work, I think their brains leave, so their body's like, oh, we still got

it.

They're not like, I work and whatever.

So I see different things.

I reached my Emma.

She died 15 years ago.

Their brain's gone and they're just like, who are you?

And then they're smashing into each other.

You've seen Ruth and Four B?

You go,

I lost to her in bingo, and it drove me wild.

Those guys were just more men, I think, than we are as well.

They also fought in wars.

Yeah.

They weren't doing talent show Devil Sticks.

Dude, the idea of you losing it and that being like, I lost it.

Like you can't get your Devil Stick boner hard.

I was such a gay performance, dude.

I told Tommy Pope and Chris O'Connor this too.

I did, I got a karaoke machine one Christmas and went to my Uncle Den's house and rapped Puffy and Mace all around the world, been around the world or something.

I remember my whole family, like Pipe Fitters, just going, What the fuck is wrong with it?

Looking at my mom, like, you let him sing this music in here.

You know, I'll dig in there.

And they're like, Yeah, anyways, they said the union's gonna let him go.

Denise's boy.

They go, Yeah, Denise's son's gonna do a little, I don't know, one of them fucking black songs, but uh that smoke session outside when you weren't around.

What the fuck?

You go, what do you think?

Well, he's the gay one.

Yeah, well, he's gonna be gay, or I don't know, maybe get some black white next one.

They go, well, at least we can go to, at least we can gay to the north side and feel a little safer.

They're also going like, well, she's a single mother.

She's trying.

Sure.

Yeah, is she dating black dudes?

Things ain't been the same since Dan left.

That's the lighting.

That's the lighting in the corner of the mouth.

They go, hey, quick question.

Denise dating black dudes now?

That's coming from somewhere.

I mean, the call's coming from inside the house.

The house.

I know they don't got cable, so it ain't empty there.

The call's coming from inside the house.

I don't think anyone's even him when he gets home from school.

Yeah, what is he watching?

MTV?

MTV all day, course and daily.

That's the problem.

It's

so fucking funny, dude.

Route 66 is out now on YouTube.

Go watch their special.

Go, obviously, if you don't watch their podcast, you're fucking stupid.

Thank you.

Are you garbage?

Top-tier material.

Thank you, buddy.

Recent episode of Danny Soto.

I like how he said Route 66.

Route 66.

Route.

Route 66.

Is it Detroit or is it Detroit or Detroit?

Detroit.

Detroit.

How do you say Oregon?

Oregon.

Oregon.

Oregon.

How do you say Illinois?

Illinois.

Illinois.

All right.

I call that Chicago.

Okay.

Chicago.

But it's funny when you meet people that call it Oregon.

Or is it Caribbean or Caribbean?

Caribbean.

Multiple feet.

Is it six foot or six feet?

It's about six foot.

Six feet.

Six foot.

That's good.

Six feet, yeah.

Six feet.

It's about six foot away.

Hamburger meat or ground beef?

You're a hamburger.

Hamburger patty.

Hamburger patty.

Hamburger patty.

Yeah.

Were you a patty kid?

Were you frozen patties in the freezer?

Yeah.

Crack them open with the butter knife.

My mom was pretty good at making them too.

Trish could cook.

So

there wasn't a.

Could your mom make a decent hamburger when you were a kid?

Yeah.

It took my mom 30 years.

I know you're watching this, Trish, so I'm going to get a text about that.

Shout out to Trish.

She sometimes used back in the day would put onions and peppers in

the patty.

I like it.

I hated it.

Really?

I used to try to dig it out when it'd be like, and then it would have like a little hole in it.

Like, get it out of here.

It just fucking is.

And you're not putting cheese in it?

You're going to put cheese, and then I understand the juicy loosey.

Yeah.

But yeah.